I Need You to Kill (2017) Movie Script

1
I remember the first night
I got paid real money
I worked at a place inMinniapolis
called "The AcmeComedy Club,"
um, run by a guy named Louis Lee
and it was a club
I've worked at a lot
and it was always,
like, half-full, you know,
and you pour your heart
into these shows,
and then they give you like,
800 buck... maybe a 1,000,
and then you go onto
the next place.
It's a sad life, you know?
But this one week I sold the place
out... I packed every show...
And I had never really
done that before,
and at the end of the week, Louis
handed me an envelope
with $10,000 in it.
And he said, "This is yours."
And I said,
"Why are you giving me this?"
And he said, "It's your money.
You brought the people in."
This is where you're at now.
"You, this is how much
you should be making a week."
And he gave that to me and Ijust
started crying like a baby.
'Cause I got $10,000
for telling jokes, you know?
Emcee: Acme has a podcast. We encourage
you to check out called "No Laugh Track."
It's available on Pod
being in its interviews
with all the headliners
including the fantastic one
we have for you this evening
he was a writer/producer
of "Freaks and Geeks,"
and one of the founders of"Mystery
Science Theater 3000,".
Please put your hands
togetherfor Josh Weinstein.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Josh Weinstein.
Josh Weinstein: So hopefully you put
together that this is "Acme Comedy Co."
That's me onstage
with the unfortunate hair.
Thank you very much.
Josh: I've been headlining
here for over 20 years
and while I've never
literallycried with joy
over my paycheck
like some people,
it's still my favroite place
in the world to do standup.
I don't know if there are, like,
spirits that haunt this room,
but if there are
they love comedy
because this room
is just always electric.
You never really know how
lucky you are to start at Acme
until you go on the road
and everybody's like,
"How the fuck
do you get to play Acme?"
It's just a special place.
We opened in November 1991.
I come from, you know,
the clubs out of business,
mostly, you know,
from the '80s to the mid '90s.
I've seen comic
suffer through a lot.
I mean, it was a shame,
you know, how people run clubs.
And when I see
how bitter the comics were
and I feel like somebody
got to do something about it
and make the whole
comedy experience
much better for the performer.
The whole week
when I first worked it,
I could not believe what was
happening at these shows.
Like, I was like, "Why isn't every
show like this everywhere?"
He has spent all this time
kind of shaping and molding
his crowd how he wants them.
There's not that many clubs
that have comedy audiences.
Because Louis has trained
them to do that,
they come here to hear ideas.
They come here to hear
somethingthat they're like,
"Oh my God.
I haven't heard that before."
You do shit... hack stuff...
The laughs go down,
you can hear it.
People are like,
"Nah, this is easier."
I call myself "business man."
If I wanna make money,
I'd better make sure
I have a good product.
But if the person's who
performare bitter about it,
the audience will know.
Man: Wendy Liebman's over.
Or Bobcat.
Louise Lee: If I book YZY
the first week of March
is he or she is not gonna
burn another press
for the following couple weeks.
Or the couple weeks before that.
Both of them are far enough,
you know, two weeks after Jake.
And Jake's been here
every year for awhile.
- Mm-hmm.
- So...
I think that we'll go Liebman
first and then Bobcat second.
Yeah, I think it's good.
Great.
He actually loves comedy.
Imagine that, somebody in comedy
that actually loves comics.
Tom: Do you think is an Acme
brand of comedy at this point?
No, I don't think so.
That's a brand of the
comiccreate himself.
Just remember one thing.
Comedy is not a factory.
Comedy is all about
the indidual, who they are,
how they discovered themselves,
have the voice,
and communicate with the mass.
And, Acme is, hopefully,
I want it to be
a good inspiration
for all this artists.
He's a fucking Chinese guy.
It doesn't make any sense.
Josh: So not long ago, said
"FuckingChinese guy" tells me
he's planning something I mightbe
interested in as a filmmaker.
He was putting together
the first ever Acme comedy tour,
which frankly, didn't seem
that interesting to me
until he told me
where he'd be taking that tour.
Tom: So what were your
thoughts when Louis said,
"Hey Chad,
I want go take you to Asia"?
Immediately I thought, I'm in.
I got the call from my agent
and he goes,
"Hey, Louis is doing
this tour to Asia,"
um, you're not his first choice,
but the other guy backed out.
"Do you wanna do it?" I was like,
"First of all,
I didn't need to know that,"
like, you coulda
just given me the offer.
Didn't need to know
that somebody turned it down...
I don't know why you
just mentioned that...
"But, yes, I would love to
go as a second choice."
I remember I was in a hotel
roomin De Moines, lowa,
and I think I ran around
the hotel room like,
"Oh my God! I'm going to China.
This is crazy."
Like, this is crazy.
I'm going to...
Like, the Lee's
are going to China.
First time going on the roadwith
comics for a week.
[Asian rap music playing]
Josh: This is Hong Kong.
Officially, it's part of China,
but you won't find a more
capitalist place on the planet.
It's one of the world's
mostdensily populated cities.
There's over seven millionpeople
here,
almost all of them
seeminglyworking their asses off
all the time.
As a global hub
for both trade and finance,
people come here to work
from all over the world.
Bankers, brokers,
manufactures, English teachers,
and recently,
the occasional comedian.
- Tommy.
- [speaking Chinese]
[laughs]
Where did you learn that from?
I wanted to have something
to say to you.
- How are you, man?
- That was pretty good.
- Was that right?
- Yeah.
The decision to come here
really had nothing to do
with performing.
I just wanted to see
Hong Kong and Singapore.
- So, I call AT&T...
- Yeah.
Before I get...
Before I leave and I go,
"Hey, I'm going to Hong Kong
and then to Singapore."
I want to have some plan
just in case I use my phone,
do I need separate plans
"for Hong Kong
and for Singapore?"
And the AT&T lady goes,
"No, they're both in Japan,
so you're fine."
[laughs] Oh my God.
- Oh.
- And I was like,
"What do you mean?"
And she goes, "Oh, I'm not
really good at geography."
Is that wrong?"
And I was like, "Yeah.
Not both...
Their not both in Japan."
Hello.
- Mr. Daniels, how're you doing?
- How are you? Good.
I figured, like, he's...
You know, grew up here,
if he asked me to do it,
he must've had a reason.
So if I was gonna be the jackass
that doesn't get a laugh
the whole week,
then that's it.
Do we know anything about Pete?
Is he okay? Is he here?
Well, he's find out
if he checked in right now.
Hello? 'Herro.'
- 'Herro, ' I can't hear...
- He's doing himself.
Can you guys pack up and leave?
We don't like Caucasian
have a Chinese name here.
We'll talk about who's gonna
go first, second, third.
Each show I would say draw,
unless you guys
want to fight it over.
- I don't care either.
- I definitely don't care so.
We might have to send wonder
boyto the back of the line
so he can clean up our mess.
He's so likeable.
Plus, he walks on stage like,
"Finally. One of us."
And then he gets up there like,
- "God damnit."
- Disappointment, yeah.
- Oh, look who it is.
- Ha, ha, ha.
What time did you guys get in?
Chad:
We got in at 'sick' o'clock.
Six... 'sick' o'clock.
So I went to the doctor
in New York
because I was concerned
about sleeping on this trip.
I already have sleep apnea.
I travel with the machine.
Sleep is the worst for me.
So I got a prescription
for Ambien,
uh, and my doctor said... I go,
"Should I do a test of this,
you know, before we leave?"
And she goes,
"No, you should stay up"
and then just it on the plane
at around the time
you would sleep in Hong Kong
"so you're on
the right schedule."
I go, "Should I take
a half of one?"
And she's like,
"Take a whole one."
She's like, "I... because I tooka
whole one on a flight",
and it did nothing to me."
So, um, I took a whole one.
And I... I freaked the fuck out.
Like, I thought she was a wolf.
I thought the stewardess
was a wolf-faced woman.
The walls were talking to me.
Like, I... I took a whole pill.
I should've taken
- like a quarter.
- Wait. Did you get restrained?
- No, no, no, because she was there.
Jamie: Almost.
I had just fallen asleep,
and then I wake up,
and he's staring at me.
And I was like, what's going on?
And then like...
You were scared
of a sleeping wolf?
- [Pete laughs hysterically]
- All you have to do is pet her
instead of getting
all weird about it.
- By the way, I'm gonna hug you.
- Yes, let's.
Chad: Pete and I have
been friends for so long,
and to get to work with him
a week in Asia touring around,
I feel like a fucking rock star.
- Hey, we're hugging, too.
- All right, let's do it.
All right, listen. Sorry, sorry.
Tom: I met Pete at the hotel.
Uh, I'd never met
either guy before.
I was super suspect of Petebecause
he was nice, and, like,
I was like, I'm al... whenever
I meet, like, a... like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
person, I'm like,
"All right, like,
what's up with you?"
So are you guys feelingjetlagged, or
are you feeling insane right now?
OoSod? A g
re you guys So are you guys feelingjetlagged,
or are you feeling insane right now?
I'm not beyond normal tired.
Nobody looks like wolves
if that's what you meant.
Pete: I need food.
[Asian rap music playing]
I'm gonna climb
and have a fight...
I mean, I feel like I
can climb up here.
Pete:
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Segura!
Nothing about this looks like it's
gonna collapse, like, right now.
Can we climb up there
and get pictures?
You wanna get pictures
on that dragon?
- You wanna go up there?
- Well, I mean, like,
- tourist pictures. I'm being serious.
- Sure.
But right after the picture
with the dragon,
we're gonna find food, right?
Do you think we'll go to jailfor
doing this?
Uh, I have no idea.
- I don't want to go up there.
- I do.
I just want to stand right here.
I wanna go up here, and you
take a picture on the dragon.
- I want to ride the dragon.
- You want to get on the dragon?
- Kinda.
- I'll take a picture of you.
Well, do you guys just want to
stand up here and take a picture?
Yeah. That's what I want.
Like we like each other? Okay.
I feel like food is everywhere,
and we should be able
to find it.
[man speaking native language]
[speaking native language]
Louis: I grow up in Hong Kong.
My father worked for my
grandfather and have eight kids.
And my grandparents, my father,
uh, generation and all the kids
all live in a
four-bedroom apartment.
- [speaking native language]
- Standup comedy.
Yeah, standup comedy.
[speaking native language]
Louis: My parents, they
weren't rich at all,
and all they can do
is save up enough money
to send a couple kids overseasto
get a college education.
And when it come to me,
I'm fifth of the family.
They were thinking, okay,
I don't think we should invest in
Louis, which I don't blame 'em.
You know, to them I wasn't
that good in school,
and I start dating too early.
I wasn't like my brothers
who are engineer,
uh, dental school,
and all that stuff.
And I'm gonna be in the lower
middle income the rest of my life.
That's what I believe in.
So in 1976, my mother... sister,
who live in Chicago
who married an American,
uh, decided,
hey, why don't you immigrateover
the United States?
And that's when
my parents qualified
to move over to US,
and then, uh,
all the kids who was
under 21 moved to US.
And kind of saved my life...
And saved my education process
from Hong Kong dead end
to United States.
Jami Gong:
Nice to meet you guys.
Welcome to Hong Kong,
and welcome to our club.
- Thank you.
- So we're gonna have so much fun.
Should we do the meeting?
Where's Louis?
A few years ago when I came
herefor vacation with my family,
I decided meet up with Jami,
and then went to visit his club.
And we have a good talk.
Him being Chinese,
me being Chinese,
we're probably the only Chinese
comedy club owners in the world.
- You said you went to Syracuse, right?
- I went to Syracuse.
- But where did you grow up?
- New York City.
Uh, just raised in Chinatown,
running around
with my other five siblings.
There's six of us,
so I'm number three.
And growing up in New York
City, I always loved to laugh
and everything, uh, just growing
up with the "Tonight Show."
Okay, so a couple things.
Just this week, um,
like I mentioned earlier,
it's gonna be a fun, fun week.
I mean, jetlag's a bitch.
We know. So, um, tomorrow
you're in Singapore.
So you guys have your itinerary.
Umar... you're... you guys
are landing different times.
So Umar, who's running Comedy
Masala, will meet you.
If not, we'll send someone
to meet at airport.
When I did South Africa
and when I did Australia,
we would land, and they're like,
"Your first show
is in four days."
Like, these first few days
"are just for you
to get used to being here."
Not this fucking
Louis Lee trip, uh, uh.
It was land and they're like,
"So tomorrow's show,"
and you're like, "Excuse me?"
And then it was like, "the next day,
we're gonna get on another plane."
And you're gonna fly
three-and-a-half-hours to another country.
Singapore.
Behave. You know.
It's got its reputation. No gum.
Singapore, you don't want to
mess around in Singapore so.
- No, they don't play around.
- They don't play around.
Then early morning, you guys
coming back here Thursday.
Then I'll be at
Champs Thursday by 6:00.
Then big crowd Thursday,
Friday, and Saturday then Macau.
They have no idea about Macau,
so we're gonna have fun
in Macau.
To be clear, these shows
are in English, right?
- Yes.
- All of 'em?
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
- Okay, cool.
But if you...
Will you speak another language?
I'm pretty good at Cantonese,
but I'm just wanting
to make sure.
The show stuff I had like
so much anxiety about
when we were
starting the week off.
I just didn't know
what the shows would be like.
Like, I didn't know
if it was going to be
these huge cultural differences,
huge language difference.
I was so happy to find out
that I was going to China
that I didn't even consider the fact
that I mightnot be funny over here.
I tell this to every comic
first time I'm meeting them...
This is my first time
meeting them...
And again, I'm freaking
excited to meet you guys.
You won't believe how much fun we're
gonna havethis week, all right?
And Everyone so.
No offense, you're gonna
have fun in Hong Kong.
You're gonna
have fun in Singapore,
- but I need you guys to kill.
- Yeah.
That's all I need you to do.
That's all I need you to do.
I don't know you. Louis Lee brings
you over. I know Louis Lee, right?
Take no offense.
I just need you to kill,
'cause I'll be honest with you.
This is not
an ordinary road trip
where you can go
to South Dakota, North Carolina
and Florida on a little
tour in the States.
This is not
an ordinary road trip.
This is... the people you
meet, they are well-off.
They have connections here.
You're gonna meet
so many people.
So if you've got business cards,
you gon... at the end,
give it to people.
A big thing in Hong Kong
and in Asia,
if you don't know,
is all relationships.
And you have a business card,
if Louis didn't tell
you guys this...
- Louis didn't tell us shit.
- Louis: I didn't.
If you are gonna give... if you are
gonna give out a business card.
Chad, to anybody here, especially
around the world,
- two hands.
- Oh, okay.
I'll give you a little tip.
Do you have a... here.
Here's my card.
You need to do this.
Okay, let me put this down.
Let me put this stuff down.
Let's say I first met you,
right, I'm giving you my card.
So.
You notice.
I made sure my card faces you.
- Right.
- Right. So you can read it.
So if was your card,
okay, reverse it.
- Give it to me.
- You also put your head down.
- Yes.
- You also did this.
So I do this... oh...
You flip it around.
Oh, nice map.
You say something to acknowledgethat
you noticed the card.
You don't put it
in your back pocket
'cause it's considered rude.
I like the colors that you used.
Very good, very good.
You don't put it
in you back pocket
'cause it's considered rude.
You sit down, right.
Or you can put it in
your shirt, whatever.
This small business etiquette,
you should do it everywhere,
even New York City,
around the world,
because Mainland China,
everyone's doing business
- with Mainland Chinese...
- Say something! D.
Jami Gong from Hong Kong.
Front pocket.
This small business etiquettewill
close deals for you.
So what happened... just out of
curiosity, like give me the card.
If you were...
If somebody's like this,
like, it would just
be seen as rude?
- Yes.
- It's like you're being rude.
It's a culture thing.
It's rude, and people know...
Like, this guy
doesn't have a clue.
Exactly.
Chad, here is a direct condom
for when you're over
in Singapore.
Oh, it's expired.
Is that what... is that good?
It's comedy time.
Make some noise.
Welcome, everyone.
Welcome to TakeOut Comedy Club.
It is the first
fulltime comedy club in Asia,
and according to a new panel,
the number one entertainment
in all of Hong Kong
thanks to you guys.
Yes. It's a special,
special night.
So, yes, make some
noise, young man.
My first stab at standup
comedywas, uh, 1989 on a dare
at Syracuse University
on a standup comedy competition.
I made a fool of myself,
uh, but fell in love.
Uh, went back to New York
City, hit the open-mics,
then, uh, one night in 1992,
packed room, doing a show,
I took it for granted,
uh, a bit arrogant.
Blanked on stage.
Nothing came out
of my mouth, right.
Could not do it again
until 1999.
My wife is British, uh, so polite
the first time we went on a date.
She got money from the ATM
machine, and she said,
"Thank you."
She's actually white,
and I'm Chinese.
It's rare to see a Chinese
guywith a white girl.
We change each other's status.
She's raised mine.
I've lowered hers.
I decided to open up the
firstfulltime comedy club in Asia
before we had comedians.
Before ever opened
February of '07.
Plus she works for Mandarin
Oriental, which is great.
Whenever we travel, she gets
us a upgrade to nice rooms
and everything.
I feel bad. I want to help us
out through my connections.
So last month we flew
the Hainan Island,
and through my connections
I got us upgraded to economy.
Tom: Who are your comedy idols?
Johnny Carson, Bob Hope.
What a great crowd. Are you
guys ready to laugh some more?
We got so many funny,
funny comedians.
I think you guys can do itbetter
than that.
You guys ready
to laugh some more?
In the beginning we had people
up there doing 20 minutes
when they barely had
three minutes of material.
We had to do that,
and people walked...
I know that people said,
"That was a terrible show,"
but we had to do that
to give them the stage time.
Seven and a half years later,
we... I could have about
20 people in my rotation nowthat
can kill
for eight to ten minutes.
I guarantee that like
most of you were like me
when you came
to Hong Kong, right.
You came to Hong Kong
you're like,
I am gonna kick this language
in the ass, right?
And then you went to your first
lesson, and it was over.
Yeah. No, the same
thing happened to me.
I went to my first
Cantonese lesson.
The teacher's like,
"Cantonese has nine tones,"
and I was like,
"Fuuuuck."
And she was like,
"No, no, no, no."
Faa-uck.
"It means prosperity."
I'm actually from Hong Kong,
and I'm half Chinese.
My mom's, uh... my mom's Chinese.
And I've got my parents
staying with me at the moment,
and as I'm walking out of my house
tonight, my mom kinda stops me
and she said,
"Benjamin, are you standing up?"
Yeah.
"Are you going
to make the jokes?"
I was like,
"Oh, am I doing standup?"
"That's what I just say.
You don't listen."
"Yes, mom,
I'm doing standup comedy."
"Tsk. You are so funny, Ben,
because you know how
to take a piss on yourself."
"Mom, I know how to take a
pissout of myself."
"Benjamin, don't be
a smart anal."
Any black people
in the audience?
Make some noise. Exactly.
This is Hong Kong, man.
Only one of us is allowed
out at a time.
Any Indian people
in the audience make some noise.
All right,
I miss black people so much.
You guys are close enough.
Jami:
Comics have different goals.
Some of our comedians
want to be a pro.
Some do it as a hobby.
Some just love it.
They have already a good paying job
they knowthey're not gonna leave,
but they just love
to get this out of their system
that the arts, right.
I grew up in a very tough,
Irish Catholic neighborhood.
Where I grew up,
the kids molested the priests.
Tough place.
So I started dating a white girl
because I wanted a change of pace.
And we were sexting
'cause that's how I role,
and I said to her, "Baby, what's
your favoritesexual position?"
And she said, "Sam",
I really love it
when I'm bent down like this,
"and you're in London."
We have less Chinese comedians.
Why? Couple reasons.
The Chinese people,
"Oh, I could do that."
They go up there and do it,
and then they fail.
They lose face.
They don't want to do it again.
Remember. They're taught not to fail.
It's a culture thing.
The Chinese, they're taught
not to fail, right.
I gotta succeed.
I gotta succeed, all right.
So the moment, we know standup
comedy takesyears to perfect.
You will fail, but you will
fail to succeed, right?
They fail and don't
believe in the payoff.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
I am actually...
Not trying to dress up
for you guys...
Black is the only color I know.
I'm colorblind.
I have, uh... now, I've known I
was colorblindsince I was 12,
but up until 12 I thought
I was a genius at Rubik's Cube.
My hope in the beginning
was to find the next Hong Kong.
Jerry Seinfeld, the next
Hong Kong Billy Connolly,
the next Hong Kong Chris Rock.
We are.
Because if you can speakCantonese
and you're Chinese,
it's like a superpower, right?
You leave your house,
and you're eavesdropping man.
Probably our biggest discoveryis,
uh, Vivek Mahbubani.
He's performing tonight.
He's an Indian local
comedianthat speaks perfect.
Cantonese and English.
He's been in movies
now, commercials,
a ring announcer
for mixed martial arts now.
So he has made almost
a career out of this.
I go take the MTR train,
and I'll purposefully just sit in
the middle of three empty seats
and just sit there
and just wait, right.
And two friends
will come sit next to me,
and they'll talk over me
like I don't exist, right.
I'll be sitting there.
They'll be like,
[speaking foreign language]
Right, the whole time,
I'm sitting there going like...
[laughs to self]
And what I'll do is, right,
I'll wait for let's say
two stations.
And I'll just
whip out my phone and go,
[speaks foreign language].
Right, guarantee like,
[babbling]
I'm trying to discover
new talent and at the same time
bring over pros like
Chad, Pete, uh, Tom.
- Where are you from?
- Man: Puerto Rico.
Puerto R... are you serious?
You guys come here?
Huh.
Are you visiting,
or you live here?
Shut up. Are you the
only one, or are there?
- Man: There's two.
- There's two of you.
You and Juan Jose?
Or what's his name?
Hm?
Fred.
Hablas... hablas espanol?
[speaking Spanish]
No, you guys have been doing
this shit all fucking day
in other languages so.
[laughter, applause]
Yeah, this is what
it feels like.
It fucking sucks, doesn't it?
Going into it I thought,
well, I perform in New York,
and I pretty much perform
for a lot of expatriates
that are English speaking
all around, you know,
from all around the world
in clubs every night.
So I thought that maybe I had
a little bit of a leg up
'cause I'd adjusted my act
to that already.
But I just...
I... I still didn't...
I still didn't know.
I, um, I'm from America,
but you can't tell
'cause I'm thin.
You know, like, you're like,
"No, you're not. Really?"
Like, you live and eat there?
"Right, no you don't."
When I got my first laugh,
which was like...
I think it was one of my
firstlines, I was like,
"Oh, this trip
is gonna be great."
I, uh, went golfing
three weeks ago
and finally beat my girlfriend.
Those are two separate things.
[laughter]
When I got home, she was like,
"Were you golfing again?"
And I lost my mind.
I said, "I'm dressed like an asshole.
What do you think?"
Pete: Louis, smile.
Where's Louis?
Ready, one, two...
[Asian rap music playing]
Tom: The next morning we took
the three-and-a-half hour flight
to the authoritarian paradise
that is Singapore.
This place went from a
Third World country
to the best educated
and most expensive place
on the planet in under 50 years.
And, apparently, you don't pull
something like that off without
a whole bunch of strict rulesfor
your people.
You can tell a country means
business when they great you
on the plane before you landwith
a death threat.
I got scared.
Like, I had this...
Like this almost
illogical, nonsensical
- panic attack...
- Uh-huh.
About that I have weed
in my backpack,
like, that I know I didn't have.
But I was like,
"What if weed's in there?"
- Now, at some point I did.
- Yeah, like...
[Asian rap music playing]
Tom: The show that evening
was at a nightclub
called The Vault, a club that used to
not even be open on a Tuesday night
until they started
hostingstandup comedy.
It's a nice place to have
an $18 beer and enjoy a show.
- Emcee: Hello!
- Audience: Hello!
Ladies and gentleman,
welcome to the Acme
ComedyCompany Asia Tour 2014
preview show.
Everyone, please make
somefucking noise.
[cheering]
My name is Umar.
I run Comedy Masala Singapore.
I'm 39 years old, and I've been
doing standup for about five years.
Now with the count of three,
only the Singaporeans
give me a cheer.
- Three, two, one.
- [cheering]
See? That's why
I love doing comedy
because you fuckers
follow instructions perfectly,
I tell ya.
People have often told me
that the way to really find
out what Singapore's like
is to actually come to a comedy
show, like, namely Comedy Masala.
- And you're Singaporean?
- Man: No, I'm not.
- Where you from?
- Man: America.
America doesn't matter.
All right, so...
[laughter, applause]
Went to high school there,
went to college in the US.
Went back to Pakistan,
startedworking at a bank, hated it.
Did a lot of improv in Pakistan.
There was no improv
in Singapore,
and Jami Gong, the founder
ofTakeOut Comedy Hong Kong,
he ran a standup comedy class
in Singapore in 20... 2009.
I attended it,
never looked back since.
Give it up for Umar, yeah.
A very clear example of
whatPakistani women look like.
Uh, it's cool,
and... and my name is Fuzz.
My full name is Muhammed
Fadzri Bin AbdulRasheed, okay,
but I do not do that.
I don't use that name because I don't
want whitepeople to panic, okay.
Yeah, seriously.
I get Americans coming up to
me, and they go like,
"Oh my God, Fuzz, you're name's
MuhammedFadzri Bin Abdul Rasheed.
Oh my God, are you a terrorist?
Are you a terrorist?"
I say, "No, bro. I'm Malay.
It's different."
I'm not Arab, okay?
There's difference
betweenMalay's and Arabs.
During Ramadan, the Arabs,
they fast.
The Malays, we slow. Okay, uh...
It definitely felt like
a newer scene.
It was a less developed
standup scene,
and like I felt like we were...
We were...
At least that first night
we were jumping on an open
mic, you know.
But the open mic'ers
were slaughtering.
So I was like... you ha...
And you have to be like...
You have to acknowledge that
and kind of respect that
that like, well, this audience,
this is whatthey're used to seeing.
A lot of things
are fresh to the audience now
because, ah, man, we're
hearingthis for the first time.
It's almost like
back in the days of like,
you know... I don't know.
It's like Pryor and Foxx and all
that, you know, they go like,
"Oh, white people be like this,
or black people be like that."
You know, it's almost like
it's at that stage over here
where you can talk about things like
that, and it's fresh to them, man.
Now nothing makes you feel
more proud of being Singaporean
than a fucking trip
to Malaysia, okay.
I was in Malaysia,
and people told me, they said,
"Fuzz, don't walk down
the streets of KL
and night, bro, it's dangerous."
I said, "Bro, bro, bro,
I'm Malay, okay?"
If I get robbed,
he's probably my cousin.
"Okay, I can get my money back.
No problem."
I got robbed
at knife point, okay,
and that wasn't even
the weird part.
It's after the guy robbed me he
said, "You better be careful."
It's quite dangerous over here."
I'm like, "What are you ta... ".
One of the hardest parts
about comedy on stage here
is that... is the flash.
I call the first two minutesyour
flash,
and that's where you just...
You go up there,
and it doesn't have to be
a high energy thing
or anything like that.
But the flash
is where you make 'em...
You blow it out,
and you make 'em love you.
And you hook 'em
with whatever material it is
and so that they know
exactly what's funny about you,
and then they trust you.
And, um,
it's been weird to adjust what...
What the flash is here.
Oh my God, you guys are the best looking
crowd I've ever seen in my life.
Like, you're... you're reallygood
looking people.
Like, I am having
a blood diversion right now,
and this is ridiculous.
Um, by the way,
my name is Pete Lee,
and like don't feel bad.
I'm disappointed
that I'm not Asian, too.
Right?
You guys are like,
"Oh, he's white.
"All right, okay." Right?
All growing up, all my friends,
they would be like,
"Well, if your... if yourfamily's
not Asian,
then what are they?"
And I'm like, "Alcoholics."
I'm from America, but you
can't tell because I'm thin.
People are like, "Do you eat
there, too?" Um, yeah, I do.
Uh, we were in Hong
Kongyesterday.
Do you guys... have you ever been there?
Um, right?
Uh, that city's
just like Singapore,
except for it's
a giant shithole.
Have you guys been there?
Like, Hong Kong means, like,
weird water that drips
on you randomly
that's made of AIDS. Right?
It's the grossest city
I've ever been in in my life.
Like, there's a smell
in Hong Kong that's like...
It's like nail polish
removermixed with farts and fish.
Is this too edgy for you guys?
Um, uh, this my hair,
by the way,
uh, just to let you guys know.
I look like Superman
with a perm.
Have you guys ever been
growing out your hair
because you wanted to try out like
a shaggy, edgy thing, you know?
But then you had lunch
with your family last Wednesday,
and you looked across the table
and you're like,
"Oh my God, I have the same
exact hairstyle as my mom."
Right, I thought this was
likethe rocker, but I was like,
"No, that's the Susan."
This hairstyle doesn't rock.
It drinks Sauvignon blanc
and does crafts.
Now every time I look in the
mirror, my hair's like,
"Where are my grandkids?"
I'm like, "Shut up, Susan."
You had a turning moment.
Like, you were the first,
uh, you know, foreigner,
you know, and you
were ramping up.
And then there was...
You hooked 'em.
You hooked them on, uh,
when you said Susan and
stuff, right, with the hair?
And then you got
an applause break,
and then they were like, "Yes."
And you had to follow
Fast and Furious 6.
Pete: Yeah, I did.
I did follow Asian Dane
Cook, Da-nane Cook.
I just came back from where these guys
come from, and I went to do some spots
in the Acme Comedy Club
in Minneapolis.
And when I landed,
somebody came up to me and said,
"Are you Rishi
Budhrani?" I said, "Wow,
people know me in Minneapolis."
They said, "Oh, no, no,
we were told to pick up the guy"
who looks like the love child
of Borat and Jay Leno."
I've always thought
about standup as something...
It's a dream that I never knew...
Or rather I never dared dream
because of where I was
'cause if you're a funny kid
in Singapore,
no one encourages you to be funny...
no one tells you growing up
that, hey, you know,
you're funny.
You could make a career out of...
This could be something that...
That feeds your family one day.
No one ever says that.
Singapore has one
of the best zoos in the world,
and I say that doesn't make
any fucking sense, right?
How can Singapore have one
of the best zoos in the world?
We don't have any wildlife.
We don't have any jungles.
How can it be
one of the best zoos?
And then I realize, okay,
this is a fucking zoo, right?
Why does Singapore have one
of the best zoos in the world?
Because our nation
specializes in exerting control
over living things in captivity.
Standup is one of the few,
well, I dare say,
only artforms in Singapore,
which is not regulated
to that extent.
Now if you're doing a theatrical
show, if you'redoing a play
or if you're doing
an original piece,
you've gotta submit your work...
The script... to the
mediadevelopment authority.
And they have to approve it,
and they will rate it.
Is it an NC-16 rating,
or is it a M-18 or 21?
So they do that
for theater pieces.
Standup for some reason
has escaped all that so far.
The worst thing about the
Middle East is that women there
are not allowed to speak
freely, and that really upset me.
And that's why I say women
inSingapore are much better off.
In Singapore, there's no such
thing as gender discrimination.
In Singapore it doesn't matterwhether
you're a man or woman.
Nobody is allowed
to speak freely.
Tom: Is there a sense of fear
among you that it might,
you know, get onto the radar
of the sensors?
I've... I... I get a feeling
that a bunch of us
might already be.
There might be a file
of most comics at some point.
We've had government officialscome
down to our shows, man.
We've had that.
I mean, we've had, uh,
undercover government officials
as well.
We've had people come to us
and not even in these shows.
I mean, they've got theater
shows where they have, um...
Where they talk about,
um, provocative topics, you know,
or they talk about,
like, controversial topics
that relates to the government,
and we'll have like the media
development authority.
This is gonna be edited in
the US, so I don't care.
So the media developmentauthority,
they will come downand just to vet.
But they pick
their battles really.
Some things
I would say on stage,
but I would never post
on Facebook.
Thank you for having me.
I just wanted to come up
and say, uh, I did standup
in Singapore because, uh,
your reputation is hilarious
by the way.
People just scare the shit out of
me when I said I was coming here.
"Don't bring drugs!
They'll fucking kill you!"
"Don't watch porn.
They'll cane your dick."
"Don't spit. They'll shoot
you in the fucking head."
Listen.
I don't know the rules here.
I fucking almost brought
gum here.
So if anyone wants to fucking...
I don't know any of the rules.
What a weird...
I'm not gonna make fun
of your fucking place,
but you can fucking buy
hookers but not gum?
That's a thing that you did?
That's what you guys
decided to do?
I'm quite a nerd, you know,
I like superhero movies.
I recently watched the
newCaptain America movie.
I watched that movie, and, uh,
I really wish there
was a Chinese superhero,
you know, like Captain China.
Because you see Captain America has
a shieldthat he can throw, right?
So maybe Captain China
can throw pirated DVDs,
you know?
And Captain China's superpower
would be lending money
to Captain America.
[laughter, applause]
When Jinx went on the stage
I was like, yes, I love him.
I'm feeling love,
and I feel like
a good person again
because I love one
of the local comics.
But this year there was a new
Spiderman movie, and, you know,
if you follow
the Spiderman movies,
you notice Spiderman's
enemy is usually
some kind of animal,
you know, like,
Doctor Octopus or the Lizard, and
then now they have
the Rhino, you know.
Well, if Spiderman was Chinese,
he would just eat
all his enemies, you know.
[laughter]
They'll be no more
superhero movie.
It will just be a cooking show.
[laughter]
Yeah, I live in the States
for a couple years.
Uh, I studied there
for a couple years,
uh, then before I dropped out
of college so.
He dropped out of, uh...
That place... Caltech.
- You know Caltech?
- Yeah.
- He dropped out of Caltech?
- He dropped out of Ca...
He's a fucking genius this guy...
He dropped out of Caltech.
His parents hated him,
and he just wanted to come
backand just do copy writing
and now he's doing comedy.
Uh, but I also watched
the musical movie.
Les Misrables, you know.
And there being
Singaporean, I realized,
"Wow, you can never have
"a Singaporean production
of Les Misrables," you know,
because the Les Misrables
songswould not work in Singapore.
It would be like,
"Do you hear the people sing?"
No, cannot.
Police coming.
"Because more than three peopleis
an illegal gathering."
Or maybe it will be like,
"Do you hear the people sing?"
No. Singaporean's cannot sing.
If we need to sing,
"we hire people
from the Philippines."
There's a part of me
that thinks that, you know,
if there's something that's
notallowed to be talked about,
uh, thi... this is...
Uh, I guess how should I put it?
Uh, some of the things that
are most worth talking about
are the things
that are a bit taboo
and... and... and...
And so, yeah, that's...
That's...
That's generally how I feel.
I'm sure there
are some couples here
who are thinking
of getting married.
Okay, so here's a tip, okay.
If you're thinking
of getting married,
uh, remember to take
lots of wedding photos, okay.
See, uh, taking wedding photosis
very important because, uh,
taking wedding photos is kind of
like taking pictures of your food.
You are capturing the moment
before everythingturns into shit.
That first show,
completely out of my mind.
I felt so exhausted.
Uh, it's great to be here.
I love your country.
I've been here five hours.
I love the rules.
You know why?
'Cause it fucking works.
Freedom is overrated.
Liberal thoughts are overrated.
Throwing shit on the ground
is overrated.
I wish you guys had more rules.
I wish, like, if you made
eye contact with somebody,
a cop could just snap your
fucking neck right on the spot.
This is a great country.
Like, I had so much
anxietybefore I went up there.
Yeah.
Like, just because of
the length of the show
and watching people and then...
And not knowing
how things are gonna go.
I was in a full fucking panicand
not knowing...
Uh, not remembering.
Like, all that shit was like, uh,
was not like,
"Oh, here's what
I'll go into next."
It was all like scrambling,
scrambling, scrambling,
and then say something.
Holy shit.
Um, I took a crazy shit
earlier today.
Is... is pooping universal?
Is that a thing?
Here's something
I just found out.
I just found out that not
everybody has diarrhea every day.
I didn't know that.
Seriously.
Here's how I found out.
We moved. My wife and I
moved to a new place.
In the new place,
the living room couch
is closer to the bathroom
than it was in the old place.
So the second day we're there,
I go in there. I do my thing.
When I walk out,
my wife is no longer
sitting on the couch.
She's now standing
holding car keys, and she goes,
"Do you need
to go to the hospital?"
And I go, "For what?"
And she goes, "For what
just happened in there."
And I go,
"What just happened in there?"
And she goes,
"Is that normal for you?"
And I was like, "I don't remember
what happened. So I guess so."
And she goes, "Jesus, how
often do you shit like that?"
I was like, "Every day."
And she goes, "Oh my God,
is there blood in there?"
And I was like, "There could be.
I don't know."
Like, I just go, Bop!,
and then I hit flush, you know?"
And she goes,
"You don't look at it?"
And I'm like, "Where am I supposed to look?
It's everywhere."
You want me to look at
each individual piece? No.
"I fucking paint the bowl,
and then I wash it away."
That's how I found out that not
everybody has diarrhea every day.
I just didn't like that first set,
and, uh, I was bummed about it.
I didn't like, like, that, like,
they seemed like
too bothered by something,
and then I felt like a guy
that didn't even speak
Englishburned me.
And like
I didn't even have the...
Like the speed to say
something back.
You remember the last time
you had diarrhea?
- Man: Yeah.
- When was it?
- Man: It is quite often.
- It's quite often, too?
Lactose intolerant?
Is that a wild guess?
What is it? What causes it?
- Stress?
- Man: I don't know how to answer this.
You don't know
how to answer this?
What made you shit crazy?
- Man: Bad humor.
- Bad humor?
Oh, fuck. You're shitting on me?
That's bad?
Did you laugh at the other
stuffearlier or no?
Today's a good day?
A guy who I don't think
speaks good English,
uh, burned me, and I couldn't
even fuckingthink of rebuttal.
Like, I was like, "You don't even
speak English,"and he was like,
"Nah." Like, he was like,
"Yo, this humor sucks."
And I was like, "Really?"
That's what I had for him.
What's your primary language?
- Man: English.
- English?
Oh, fuck, this is gonna be
a really bad set.
All right.
I got nothing.
So like the whole night
I was like,
yeah, I was totally
bummed by that.
You're being very hard
on yourself.
- Yes, you are.
- And you were incredible.
Like, dude, we've had four
hoursof sleep in three days.
No, I know.
And then you just went up
in front of people.
This is what
you're supposed to do.
What I'm doing is what you're
supposed to do is hate yourself.
But that's... if I didn't hate
myself, I wouldn't do standup.
My therapist, you know,
she basically told me.
She's like, hating myself
and being mean to myself
has got me to this level.
And she's like,
you'll never get past this level
unless you start
to love yourself
and unlock the rest
of the creativity.
- Completely disagree.
- What?
Because if you look at
the best creativity,
if you look at the best musicand
the best comedy,
comedians, the funnier you are,
you should get more leeway
to be a fucking lunatic.
- Oh.
- I think.
But here's the thing.
Your therapist
is talking about being
a healthy and happy human being.
- True.
- That's her...
That's what
her ultimate goal is.
He doesn't give a fuck what
happens to you as a human being.
No. I just want the funny.
I'm still mad that that hookerhurt
my feelings last night.
- Um, and I...
- That's why I'm wearing a hat today.
Everyone I've talked to today,
I've told that story to them.
- The hooker hurt my feelings?
- Everyone.
- Huh?
- What happened?
I was walking to 7-Eleven,
when I had my low blood sugar
moment last night.
And, um, the hookers just like...
They like grabbed my arms,
you know.
It was almost like a Disney movie
where like just a haram of women
like grab your arms,
and they're like,
"Come. Come sit with us.
Come have conversation."
And I'm like, "No, I'm really hungry.
I have to go here."
And then as soon as like
we disconnected physically,
they're like, "Wow,
your hair fucking is weird."
You have clown hair."
And I was like,
"That..." I was like,
"That was really unfair of
you,"is what I said to them.
I'm like, I didn't wanna... like,
'cause I could've been like,
"You're whores,"
or like something.
You know, like,
I could've just... but like...
I didn't want
to say anything mean to them
because I know that like...
Like... like 15 minutes from now
they're gonna be doing
an awful thing to some man
that they don't
want to be doing that to.
Probably with better hair
than you.
Yeah.
[Asian rap music playing]
Tom: At some point the concept
of street food vendors
became just too chaotic
for Singapore.
So the government created
thesefood hawker centers
to get them all off the street and
under onefully regulated roof.
Pete: Wow, this is like insane.
Tom: Good news when it
comes to food safety.
Bad news when it comes to makinga
decision about what to eat.
I've got to find my jam.
Tom: Granted, some choices are
easierto rule out than others.
Thank you very much.
Curry rice with curry chickenand
an egg.
And you?
Roast duck, roast pork.
Why don't I not just
fuckingfollow you around?
- I would if I were you.
- 'Cause now I want that.
I'm gonna go back and get that.
This isn't gonna fill me up.
There's some places
where you go,
"Am I ordering lunch or just
scheduling diarrhea?"
I'm gonna go get something
from China.
Bye, Louis.
Have fun with your people.
[laughter]
We're playing a game, right?
Yes.
What, we're like openmindedenough
to come over here
but closeminded enough to like make
racist comments the whole time?
Is that what we're doing?
Louis: I started dating
American girlin 1981,
and so she took me
to a comedy show.
And I walk in there,
and I only get half the show.
But the crowd was so good,
and it's like, wow.
What about the other half?
I mean, I... I get the half
that I thought is really funny,
and then the other half is,
"Huh, this is how
peoplecommunicate to each other."
Nothing like you read
from a textbook.
It... it's different.
It's even kind of differencethan
you see a movie
because movie
are so well-scripted.
And here, you know,
people just talk naturally.
Huh, this is interesting.
That's how I can learn
more English,
and I try...
I can try to be funny
when I talk to other people
by stealing jokes from...
From the comics.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
Acme ComedyCompany Asia Tour 2014.
Everyone, please make
somefucking noise.
The next night it felt like
it was on in that room.
Folks, by way of an intro,
for those of you that don't
know me, my name is Umar.
I'm your emcee for the night.
I am from Pakistan.
I see some white people here.
Just relax.
Everything will be okay.
I see some white people here.
Just relax.
That, you know, not all Pakistanis
areterrorists, for example.
You know, we 're just...
There are some of us
who just wanna make you laughand
have a good time.
Holy shit, with the beard,
a fucking terrorist
right in the front fucking row.
Where are you from by the way?
Where are you from?
- I'm from fuckking Karachi.
- From... from Karachi.
You're from Pakistan?
You're from Pakistan.
What the fuck have they told
youin training camp?
You never sit in the front.
You sit...
You sit in the fucking center.
It maximizes the blast
fucking radius.
Happy 9/11 tomorrow, boys.
[laughter, oh's]
- Good burn.
- Man: It wasn't us.
I know it wasn't you.
You'd fucking be dead, jackass.
We didn't see any fuckingparachutes
out of the plane.
There's be building! [Fwah!]
Oh my God, get my GoPro.
"It wasn't us." Jesus Christ.
Yeah, 10-4, I got it.
I'd heard a lot about Chadbefore
I came here,
like, a... a lot.
Um, if you talk to a lot of
good comics, they mention him,
which is always like the...
The sign of... you're like,
if this many good comics
talk about somebody being good.
One time, uh, a guy asked me
if I would die for my kids,
and I know that as a man
I'm supposed to say yes
right away
without thinking about it,
but that's not my answer.
My answer is I probably
would die for my kids,
but I have some questions first.
Like, what kind of death
are we talking about?
Would my son die quickly,
but if I choose to save him,
I'm going to have to suffer?
Because you can ship that
shitright on down the line.
If my son's standing over
hereand I'm over here
and a piano
is falling towards my son
and he doesn't see it but I do,
you want me to go
push him out of the way?
No.
'Cause my last thought is gonna be,
"Oh my God, this is gonna hurt."
It's a fucking piano."
He doesn't even see the piano.
So I can help him
with his last thought, right?
"Isaac, what's your
favorite ice cream?"
"Cookies and..." Smash!
Now his last thought
is his favorite ice cream.
I'll take my
Father Of The Year mug
whenever it's out of the kiln.
I think maybe
my attitude in Singapore
wasn't everybody's favorite,
but tough shit,
it's my attitude.
Why are you shaking
your head at me?
I shouldn't have to go
push him out of the way
just 'cause he
came out of my dick hole.
I was very careful
to not get AIDS,
and I'm still gonna die
from fucking?
Have they not told you guysabout
AIDS here?
I know sometimes you don't
getall the news here.
The second and third day,
I started just going to like
old material
because I just felt like
older stuff had a certain
beat and rhythm
that I felt like... I don't know.
I was just confident
that it would work.
Every family...
Every family in the world...
Has at least one profoundly
stupid person in the family,
okay, every family.
And this... this goes even
for really successful families.
Like, you ever meet
a family where it's like
a doctor married a lawyer,
and they're like,
"You know, our three
kids, they're all doctores, too."
And you're like,
"Yeah, but you have four kids."
And they're like, "Ah, yeah."
He's out back."
And they're, "What's he doing?"
And they're, "Just trying
to figure shit out."
"What kinda shit? Like, don't stare
at the sun? Shit like that?"
I bought one of my old albums
on iTunes to listen to.
- Interviewer: Really?
- Yeah,
before that second show
'cause I couldn't remember.
I like... I was like,
I know that'll work,
but I wanted to hear, you
know, how did you used to do it?
I haven't said it out loud
in a long time.
In my family,
it's my cousin Brian.
Without a doubt,
it's my cousin Brian.
Like, every time
we go out to eat
if I order first and I'm like,
"Uh, let me get the, uh, Teriyaki
Chicken,"
he'll be like, "Ah, man,
that's what I was gonna get."
You still can...
because we're at a restaurant.
I didn't order the last one.
And he'll be like, "Yeah, but then
we'll both be eating the same thing."
Yeah, I know.
He's like, "That's
weird." No, it's not.
You're fucking weird.
It's not weird at all.
It's weird if I go, "I'm gonna
go propose to Christie",
and then you go, 'I'm gonna
propose to Christie too.'"
That's weird.
Then we have to have
a conversation.
Like, what are we gonna eat
at the wedding?
Teriyaki Chicken?
I don't fucking know.
Singapore, you guys
are the friendliest people
in the world here,
like, especially like the women
that like hang out
on the street, you know.
Like, this was the first placethat
I went after we landed,
and I was like,
"Everybody's so friendly here."
Oh my God, they're like,
"Let me sit on your lap,"
and, you know, like, whatever.
And then when you're like,
"Idon't have any money,"
they get mean,
and, uh, like, really mean.
And, um, okay, uh...
So, yeah, my name is Pete
Lee, and like don't feel bad.
I thought I was gonna be
Asiantoo, right?
I think the Asian scene
is gonna explode even further.
It... all... the...
The recipe is there.
You've got comedians.
You've got comedy promoters.
You've got venues now
who are excited about comedy.
We're filling up.
You know, there are bars.
There are clubs.
All of a sudden on a week night.
The economics
of standup comedy business
is, uh, they're no different
than in the US
in the early '80s.
Uh, there's not
too many real clubs,
and you just go to bar
and restaurant.
Hopefully, you can get
a night here, a night there.
And then... and, of
course, because of that,
that's not much money out there.
But when the comedy itselfstarted
to draw the bigger crowd
and more consistently,
then you're talking about
full-time club.
I know very developing scenes,
very good scenes in Thailand,
Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia,
Hong Kong, and the Philippines,
and... and Japan.
And I know comedians
in all of these markets.
They're all either running
open mics or weekly shows
or monthly shows,
and some of them
are really good.
Tom: We headed back to Hong
Kong the next morning.
I waited until we left
Singapore airspace
to do some serious
littering on the plane.
One of the characters
of the week is exhaustion.
The only thing that's tough
for me is the sleep.
In Singapore I felt caught upfor
one day,
and then we basically
had to stay up all night
and then fly back to Hong Kong.
We're playing this room TakeOut,
but my friend
was here last month.
And he didn't play that room.
He played a different room.
So there's already like,
you know, there's that
little bit of competition.
So we do a few
paid shows a month,
um, two weekly shows
every single week
that are open mic shows.
And then we'll do
headliners as well.
I've always appreciated
the time that you've had.
I mean, the first time we
talkedwas about three hours.
- Right.
- Of just, you know,
- all about comedy.
- Right.
Tom: Back at the hotel,
Louis caught up with
Michael Dorsher,
another local comedy producerand
American expat,
to learn about
how the local scene
is starting to shape up.
We always go in
and approach places with,
if this is interesting to you,
what night of the week
is it dead here?
Right.
When do you guys
have nobody that comes in?
- Monday night comedy, everyone.
- [cheers, applause]
Tom: I went to check out one of
theComedy HK open mic nights,
which happened to coincide
with what was declared
a T8 level typhoon.
So the crowd was small
but hearty.
All right, cool.
I see a lot of new faces.
I see a lot of old faces.
What's up, Roj?
If Jami Gong is the, uh,
godfather of Hong Kong comedy,
uh, these guys are the abandoned
stepchild of Hong Kong comedy.
Uh! Uh!
Yeah. I'm still
learning how to smile.
Uh!
That's as close as I can get.
When I'm on dates,
I always like to date like
older men 'cause then
there's a higher chance
that their mothers are dead.
It's the kinda heat there
you expect like
a prosecuting attorney
to just speak to a little girl
on a stand and be like,
"Excuse me.
Could you point to the doll
where the humidity
has touched you today?"
She's like,
"In my bathing suit regions."
Starting our own room
was never a goal of mine.
It was... it was kinda something
where the need was really there.
As people started getting
kicked out of TakeOut Comedy
and the other
established clubs, um,
for the same reason they get kicked out
of any otherclub in any other scene,
like, individual
personalityclash or politics.
I've created a
professionalatmosphere in our club.
Everyone's happy, supportive.
I've kind of weeded out
the weak comics.
I've weeded out the people
who are basically dicks, right?
I said this in the beginning.
Don't be a dick, all right?
I've weeded out the people
who are not gonna help us.
They told me you have no future in comedy.
Don't waste your time.
And so it was really thatimpetus
that got us to kick off
and got me to move from
the comedian's seat
into a producer role.
And like,
how can we run a good show?
How can we find a good space,
and how can we do this
so that we all have a chance
to perform together,
um, you know, if we can't do it
in this other place anymore?
A lot of the people
in this group are expats,
um, or even...
Even the people who are locals,
they've also lived abroad.
So we all have that
kind of connection
and the fact that in some
waywe're all away from home.
So it's kind of a way
to create home
within this foreign country.
The first girl I ever
thought, uh, about marrying,
uh, messaged me today,
and she said
no hello, no nothing just, uh,
"My wedding's in October."
Can you film a short
videocongratulating me
"in front of a landmark
and send it to me?"
Audience member: Oh.
But you know the worst part?
I'm gonna do it.
I'm a... like, I'm gonna do
itbecause I'm an idiot.
There's like this little part
of my male brain that's like,
"If I give her like the best
congratulations wedding video ever,
maybe she'll see it
and then fuck me."
I mean, it's not...
It's not gonna happen.
I don't know what these guys
are talking about at the gym.
They come up to me like,
"Hey, man, hey.
Can you spot me?"
I'm like, "Yeah, you're right there.
Are you kidding?"
That's easy.
You must suck at hide and seek.
Seriously. I'll try anyway.
"One, two... I'm gonna find
you... three, four."
If you're an expat in Hong Kong,
most likely you have
a large worldview.
You're from around the world.
You have graduated from college.
Uh, most of the scenes
in all of Asia
have been set up by, you know,
British people moving to
Asia, Americans moving to Asia.
So it's... it's a lot morediverse
than you'd think.
Like, you know,
some scenes would only have
a particular type of
comedy, whereas we...
We have nothing to look up to.
So we just do whatever
we think is funny,
and hopefully
the aaudience responds to it.
We're part of a community,
uh, with very smart people
who enjoy making
each other laugh.
We had a fight, my wife and
I, the other night,
and she asked me, she goes,
"Tamby, do you ever wish
you married someone else?"
I was like, "Oh, God, no."
That's like asking
someone in prison
if they wished they were
in a different prison, you know?
Who gives a shit?
We wish we were free.
I've always been funny,
expect I guess like recentlyl've
been able to, like, hone it
and fine tune it so that
it's like socially acceptable
and not just like
weird and awkward, you know.
I went to Tiananmen's Square.
I learned that, uh,
China has a tagline
for the Tiananmen Square
incident like other tragedies,
you know, um, like 9/11,
never forget, right?
Uh, the holocaust, never again.
Tiananmen Square,
never happened.
It's all about what gets laughs.
You know, like, it's not w...
There's no part of it
where I'm like,
"Man, I've gotta like get this
shit into people'sears, you know?
Like, I gotta like
share these ideas."
I just want to get laughs
and like...
Yeah, that's actually
the end of it.
Hi. Uh, my name is Cherry.
I came back from Canada.
I've got a friend
whose name is Sean.
Now most people think Canadians are
very friendly, not racist at all.
That's not true.
Sean's a bit racist.
I say, "Sean,
you need to go to Asia"
and learn about our culture."
And he came back telling me.
He said, "Hey, Cherry,
it's true."
You Asian all look the same."
I'm like,
"Because you went to Korea."
My mom think
being a standup comedian
is the same as being
a prostitute.
Cherry Wong, everyone.
Isn't she lovely?
Cherry Wong, good job,
and look at this
transactionright here.
Bam, free drink, yeah.
It's kinda like a boy's club, but
it's fine.
Um, I'm just, uh,
concentrating on my stage time
and writing better jokes.
Yeah, my doctor told me I haveto
be angry or be depressed.
Um, the world's
so fucked up now,
if I tell people I'm
depressed, they'll say,
"Me, too," and start talking
about their own problems.
I cannot let that happen.
Yeah, I'm not funny.
I'm not funny.
Yeah, I just want
to make enemies
so we can hate each other.
Yeah, so I can hate myself less.
This is the one thing
that give you as a human being
a real power to like
saysomething that may matter,
like George Carlin,
like Bill Hicks.
What he said,
like, 20 years before,
still ring true on some level.
You can influence people
on that.
Like, you know,
make them less alone.
In Bill Hicks term less alone, or
they are more perceptive,
like, more perception
about the bullshit.
What else? Yeah, it's so tough
to live in Chinese, um,
to be a Chinese,
um, because we are
very family orientated.
Yeah, if they're not in a
family, fuck you, all right.
I always bomb.
I'm... I think I'm...
My bombed rate is kind of like
the highest among the people.
It's great to see you people out
sticking it out
through an open stage
'cause this is where
comedy starts and, uh,
some of these people
are gonna be fucking stars.
Can't tell you which one yet,
but they're gonna be stars.
With my past experience
and hopefully talking to all...
Bringing this tour
here this time...
Let them know that,
"Hey, standup comedy
can be at this level."
And make sure the comics and the
audience both look at this as a,
"Oh, this is one way
to look at comedy, too."
It's not showing off.
It is a culture crossover.
The headliners are
importantbecause it gives them
a view of where
they've got to go.
I mean, I've...
I've been to and performed on
some of the competitions
out here in past years
where you're like,
"Man, everybody had
a killer set tonight."
And you've got
the headliner who's doing
the ten minute interlude,
and you're like,
"There's a difference."
But to me what's more important
is how the Asia comedy scene
is gonna turn into
the next wave of...
Just turn into 2000 of U.S.
or 2010 U.S.
without going through
the downside of the '90s.
You know, the '90s is a
lostdecade for standup comedy.
If the comics are not ready
andyou sell it to another market,
you say, "Oh, this guy's
good," or, "This gal's great."
Yeah.
They only have ten,
and now they have to do 20.
Yeah.
That's what happened
in the '90s.
I think it was just
grow too fast, not enough talent
and try to grab your money
too fast
without carrying your product
or carrying your customers.
You got to do both.
You know, now you have
to look beyond just one year.
Right.
You know, look for
the three and five-year plan.
Be an Asia for a change.
You live in Asia long enough.
Tell me about the other
guysperforming with you
- if you would.
- Uh, oh, they're, um,
they're like me but not as good.
Deejay: That's right.
That's what I heard.
That's exactly what one
of the other fellows said.
Yeah, um, well,
it's, uh, Tom Segura, um,
he's a guy that I just met,
um, and he's, uh,
he's like a podcast legend
over in the United States.
Like a lot of people...
Like, he landed in Singapore,
and there was a guy
waiting for him there
that listens to his podcasts
in Singapore.
- Deejay: That's freaky though.
- Yeah, that's a little,
um, yeah, am I gonna end
up in your basement
chained to wall kind of stuff.
Uh, but then Chad Daniels and I
actually started in
comedy16-and-a-half years ago
in the same month as each
otherat Acme Comedy Club.
I'm a fan of Pete's,
but I haven't ever thought about
if we've progressed at the
samelevel or anything like that.
I think that we've both gotten
breaks, and I think that, uh,
Louis has kinda nurtured
the both of us.
Louis is like... we call him
comedy Yoda because he's...
He's a little dude,
and he just like...
He says very few words,
but what he says
is just so poignant.
You know, for a long time
Louis was sort of like
a disapproving father figure
that was also supportive.
You know, he would
tell me that... he's like,
"Your writing is strong."
He's like,
"Your stage presence sucks."
And I'd be like, "What do I
do to improve that, Louis?"
And he'd be like...
He'd be like, "Time."
So six months after I started,
I went to Grand Forks,
North Dakota
and did a house emcee,
um, gig there.
You took a job in, uh,
North Dakota.
Four nights a week,
uh, six shows a week,
karaoke you'd have to host after
the last show of every night.
And so it was...
It was hell kind of.
He just saw too many
small city headliners' act.
Then I moved back,
um, and I asked him.
I said, "Hey, I was
justwondering, you know",
I've been emceeing now
for a while.
I need to know, uh, what I nee...
"What I can do
to emcee your club."
I look at Chad and said,
"Look. I smell road."
I can smell the road
on you, you know.
You have to make it about you.
You have to make it real
because your emotions
have to connect to the material
or people can see
right through it.
I certainly think that
the best way to do comedy
is learn
how to listen to yourself
and write for yourself
instead of, you know,
I mean, I'm sure there are
tonsof people around you
that are gonna tell you,
"If you do this,
you're gonna kill."
Uh, it doesn't matter
whether you kill or not.
Are you writing for yourself?
We're also filming a
documentaryover here on this tour,
and I don't what...
I don't know if the documentary
is gonna be about us.
I don't know
if it's gonna be about Jami.
I don't know if it's
gonna be about Louis...
- Deejay: We'll wait and see.
- A combination of...
Yeah, documentaries end up...
The story ends up being told
in the editing, which is...
Before the set.
After the set.
- Parents, make some noise.
- [scattered cheering]
Some unhappy parents.
But here in Hong Kong,
it's great.
Three year-olds,
they're great as you know.
Right now is the time to teach 'em
how to be more polite and courteous,
and here in Hong Kong,
it's great.
It's so easy.
All you have to do
is take your child
to Hong Kong Disneyland
on a Sunday.
Show 'em all
the Chinese mainlanders,
and tell 'em to do
everything opposite them.
Chinese mainlanders,
make some noise.
- [silence]
- Good.
And if you are here and hiding,
this place is not for sale.
My first girlfriend
in college was black.
Yeah.
That happens.
We were making out one night, and
she said,
"Whisper something
crazy in my ear."
So I said,
And then she said, "Me neither."
And we laughed.
We dated for eight months,
and we are still friends.
Uh, and I think that's 'cause
we had great communication.
I always knew
when she was mad at me.
I'd say something,
and she'd go, "Mm-hm."
I'm like, "Okay, she did not
like what I just said,"
but it also sounded like
Jaws was right behind me.
Especially, she'd walked
at me, she be like,
"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm."
Like, oh my God,
there's a shark behind me!
That's a very scary
situation to be in
'cause I don't know if
she was gonna jump in and help
'cause lots of black people
don't like to swim in the ocean.
No, you guys don't...
You're not okay with that
some of ya?
If you're black and you're
madthat I said that,
stop telling your white friends
stuff youdon't want them to repeat
because that is where
I got that information.
If you are white and you're nervous
that I said that, don't be.
I chose those words
very carefully.
I said "'lots' of black
people" not all.
I said "don't 'like' to swim
in the ocean" not can't.
All right, that would be racist.
If you are Asian or
Hispanic, mind your own business.
That wasn't about you.
Not everything's
always about you.
Some things
are black and white only.
By the fourth and fifth day,
it was like,
"Oh, I can do the stuff that I'm
actually doing right now back home,"
uh, but I didn't
start off like that.
I started off old stuff
and then changed
as the week progressed.
Interviewer: Right.
Well, I think that's normal
- for comics, too.
- Yeah.
Where their first hour
is sort of written
- to please people?
- Exactly.
And then your second hour
is written to please yourself.
Exactly. And that's
exactly what happened.
I love learning different
thingsabout different cultures.
Like, you know,
you're from America.
You always feel like,
"Oh, we're fucking...
Our big problem is race,
dealing with race and racism."
But you travel,
and you realize, "Oh, no."
Every race is racist."
Every race...
We're the best at it,
but every race is racist.
Who's super racist?
Asians against each other.
I didn't know about this.
It's a whole fucking hierarchy
I didn't know about.
Like, did you
know about that? No?
Did you know that it's true?
You do.
Did you learn it on this trip?
And now you feel better
about how racist you are or no?
Good.
Here's the order. Japanese,
they're like the
self-proclaimed Aryan nation
of your world, okay.
They're number one
in their eyes, which is weird,
because they have
blurry genitals.
- And then...
- [laughter, applause]
Then there's a tie.
There's a tie for second place.
It's like 2A and 2B.
That's Chinese and Koreans.
Okay, that's the second.
And then everybody else,
everybody who's tan...
Thai and Vietnamese,
you guys are like,
[pfoot], fuck you!
True or not?
- Woman: I'm American.
- You're American?
Okay. Where are your
mom and dad from?
You have American parents,
or are you one those like,
"Oh, that's cute.
Let's get one of those"?
From where I'm sitting,
I want one of those, too.
So just like...
I'll just tell you.
Woman: That's cute.
I'm the one of those.
You're... you're that's cute.
I want one of those?
So you have white parents?
Cool. All right.
- What's... what about you?
- Man: You're Korean.
You're Korean. That's good.
That's really high. That's like number two.
That's awesome.
That's really good.
- You're American?
- Yeah.
Yeah, but you're...
You're Korean American.
All right, let's fucking...
You know where you are, okay?
Do you hate Japanese people?
No? They fucking hate you.
A lot.
Very, very much.
Sex is the most insane thingthat
we do, right,
because it's the only thing we
do where we're making something
that we don't want to make.
Right? That's insane behavior.
That's like mixing up a bunch of
like, flour and sugar and milk
and eggs up in a pan
and the putting it in the oven,
and then like 45 minutes
later being like,
"Oh, thank God,
there's not a cake."
I... I don't know what we would have
done if there was a cake in there.
You know, and call me
immature, but I just...
I just wish that like... sex is the most
amazing thing in the world, right,
and I just wish
that something came out of sex
that was as amazing
as sex, right.
'Cause like sex is amazing
and like babies are not.
They're just not like I wishthat
you could have sex
and then nine months later
you'd be like,
"Oh my God an iPhone."
And it's not even weird
that it's black.
Thanks for coming. I appreciate
you guys being here.
- Thank you so much.
- I appreciate it.
- Hello.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, man, appreciate it.
- Thank you.
So far nobody's
wanted to fight us.
All right,
everybody get the fuck out!
Oh sorry,
that was for the cameras.
It was only for the cameras.
Louis?
French fries, the iPhone
and the thing about sexual
things being an iPhone.
- Oh yeah.
- Is... is...
completely ready for air.
- Oh, thank you.
- It's a late-night set.
You know that, right?
I was hoping, I mean,
like you saying that
makes me go, yeah,
but like I said, I...
- You absolutely have to.
- I just wrote that
within the last couple weeks.
- So like I...
- That's crazy.
- That's great.
- I'm still trying to get
- the timing right and stuff.
- It's totally ready.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, it's right here,
the stairs are right...
Have a good one,
thanks for coming.
You're a dick.
- You're a dick.
- Chad: What an asshole.
Do you know
what I was thinking about,
watching the two of you,
it is literally
the opposite, like,
the opposite ends
of the spectrum of likeability,
like Chad is like
inherently unlikable on stage
and then you ooze likeability,
like people watch you like this,
and they watch Chad like...
We're busting each other's chops
just about as hard as
I've ever seen.
I mean, we've had a lot of fun.
It's so fun to fuckin'
break his balls.
It's the most fun I've had
in a long time.
Chad and Tom said
that they met on the flight,
but I felt like they were like
two peas in a pod
and really bonded.
It's cool because you
don't get to hang out
with like...
With headliners usually.
That's the thing you realize, you
know,
like you hang out with
your opening acts sometimes,
but like it's different
like hanging out
with like headliners.
Do you think if I fart
he'll kick us out of the cab?
I think I'll kick you out
of the cab.
Today Tom Segura and I went
to get our suits measured again
so the final fitting
or whatever.
I've like really
romanticized the idea
of having a tailor-made suit,
like it's... it's
borderline an obsession.
Um, and I don't wear suits,
so I don't know where the
fuckthis is coming from.
So you brought up
suits and stuff
- and I had no clue.
- Uh-huh.
But then yesterday
do you remember telling me
that you watched
a documentary about suits?
Yeah.
- And I was like...
- Just about tailors.
"Oh, you jerk off to suits.
So of course you like this."
Yeah.
Oh, here it is.
I'm a little nervous.
I did the thing
that you shouldn't do
which is I had a recommendation
of a proven place
that people have gone to
and I went to a place next door.
Hey, Danny, how are you?
- Good to see you.
- Thank you.
How are you? Good to see you.
Hong Kong is like one of the...
The world's leading, uh,
suit, shirt making,
tailor places
where it's like,
it's affordable.
You know, it's not cheap.
Yeah, it's one
of the biggest three, right?
Yeah, I think Savile Row in,
you know, London,
uh, Naples, Italy
and Hong Kong are like,
they have big, huge markets
for this stuff
so it's kind
of the thing that we...
One of the fun things to do
and all three of us
ended up doing it here
is getting our suits made.
- How do I not shoot heroin?
- That's incredible.
Isn't that not a great
entry point for heroin?
- Oh man.
- Look at that.
You'd think it was a night
crawler in my hand.
I got nothin' like that.
San Miguel.
- That is what's up, Danny.
- Ah, you know it.
- Danny.
- I'll do it in one round.
- Let me ask you something.
- Please.
How long have you
had this place?
Uh, I completed 40 years
and seven months.
40 years.
And seven months in that shop?
And when you got here
40 years ago
was there a big
establishment of, like,
were there a lot of tailorsdoing
this already?
- Oh, yes, there were...
- It was big already.
This tailoring has been here
for over 100 years.
- Really?
- Yes.
I romanticized the idea of like
the artists and workers,
you know,
sewing and then making
their adjustments.
Chad: "Especially made for Thomas W.
Segura,"
and it's the number of the suit.
Crazy, right?
- Sit down?
- Yes, please.
Sure.
Sir, if you could just lift
up little bit of your leg
and allow this
to be comfortable.
- No, here.
- Here?
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah?
Yeah, good.
Yeah?
Chad: You look like a
completelydifferent human being.
Like normally you look. May I?
- Yeah.
- Like a piece of shit.
You look like a street thug
and right now
it looks like you just
killed the boss
and now you're him.
I'm not kidding.
God, that is like,
it's manufactured
for your ass those pants.
It looks like a peach.
[indistinct]
Yeah, I can see that, I mean,
I definitely have to like...
Yes, yes.
What it looks purportedly
I cut into the chest.
This has been taken in too much,
- it's tapered.
- Okay.
Hey, so out of Tom and I,
who did you think was gonna have
to get theirjacket made bigger?
- [laughter]
- Wow.
This is embarrassing.
Comic: The other
thing that happens
is that no matter what you say
they can't or won't understand.
Now I get into Fanling the other
night to the train station,
and get in a taxi
and I tell the guy
what I thought
was in good Cantonese
where I wanted to go.
[Mimicking Cantonese]
Remember nine tones.
So I have to try
81 fucking tonal combinations
while it loads
in my Google maps.
[Mimicking Cantonese]
As my local friends say,
uh, in fact,
it is because you
havemispronounced one of the...
Fuck you!
It was close enough.
This was an old-fashioned
ball breaking, plain and simple.
The equivalent would have been
if someone were to come
to New York City and say, uh,
Excuse me.
Can you tell me where
the 'Umpire' State Building is?
Never heard of it.
Uh, 'Umpire' State Building,
uh, very tall,
very famous building
in New York.
Never head of it.
Uh, 'Umpire' State Building,
uh, King Kong, uh,
climb to the top,
swatted down the airplanes.
Never heard of it.
Swatted down the airplanes.
Ball breaker.
Last night I went up and did
some material about my last name
which I thought, you know, talking
about being a Lee in Hong Kong
would be really funny to them.
And that was mildly funny
to them.
So tonight I'm gonna
adjust my flash
because now I'm learning.
Oh my God it's been so fun
to be in Hong Kong, right.
This city is amazing 'cause you
get to play my favorite game now
called "What's That Smell?"
It's a great game 'cause you're
walking around and you're like,
this smells great
and then you're like,
oh, God, everything changed.
Everything is worse.
Did that smell come from
Shirtless Man on Stairs?
Have you guys seen Shirtless
Man on Stairs down here?
It's like, just...
You're like,
Right, he's the most unhappy
manon the planet.
He's just...
One day I was eating
it 15 minutes in
and I just thought,
I'm done giving a shit.
Like I was just like,
oh these people don't like me.
And I was like, who cares?
You have friends.
It's not like
you're here to make friends,
be more honest and so I was,
and it started working better,
and so not caring
actually has helped me.
I'm a father,
that's exciting, right?
You guys are like,
oh, you are raising children?
Yeah, that's right. What's that?
- Are they mine?
- [audience groans]
They are mine. I don't under...
I don't... why is that funny?
I don't get it.
Because some people back
therefucking started clapping,
like they thought you and I were
gonna go upstairs and fight.
I don't... Yeah, they
are mine, I, uh...
I had sex with a gal.
And then I got a back cramp,
and you can't pull out...
when you get a back cramp.
Are we all okay
with that explanation?
Right, like we were having
sex... sexual intercourse...
And then I was like,
I got three, three left, right,
and I was like one,
right, it was almost like
you're fucking gonna jump off
a building or something,
one, two, oh fuck my back!
And then it was over
and then I had a baby.
And I yelled at her, I was like,
get out from under me
and jump up and down,
fuck, help, please.
We need a chiropractor
and a hanger now.
[laughter, oh's]
No, no abortion jokes?
No abortion jokes in China.
Is that right?
No, don't allow it.
What if I told you
it was a girl?
Would that change your mind?
- [audience member boos]
- Boo?
Yeah, I fucking, I'm your
government, let's go, ready?
I'm the government.
Yell, everybody yell at once.
Suck my fucking dick.
Seriously.
Boo.
There's a lot of emotion in
Chadwhen he's on stage
and I love that and I think
it's brilliant and super funny.
I enjoy that he
harnesses his anger
and... and just unleashes it
with an outlet.
My favorite part
about this trip so far
is gonna be watching the footage
from when I just said "suck my
fucking dick" and you guys laughed
and we're all pretending
you know I was kidding.
And then watching my face
in slow motion go from
fucking pure inner rage
to all right, I'd better smile.
Sorry about Chad, everybody.
Um...
It's kind of
a work release program.
You know how many...
You know how many prisons
we have back home, right?
It's part of his probation so.
You guys are good sports,
really good sports, thanks.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, thanks.
Thanks, brilliant. Loved it.
Thank you.
Yay! Thank you.
- You met him before so he...
- Yeah, right.
He is from the Ivory Coast.
He's a real refugee
here in Hong Kong
that a mutual friend of
oursintroduced us that he,
uh, needs some help...
Get some confidence.
This is what we do.
He's already performed
for over a year...
To gain the confidence
to have him develop
into now such
a funny, funny comedian
when he couldn't have dreamed
of being this,
- this is what we do.
- Oh, that's great.
And he has a great,
great style sense.
[laughter]
15 year-old, he's a comedian.
Wow.
15 years, have been
performingfor five year already.
Holy shit. You guys were
all... blew my mind.
[overlapping conversation]
And it's good to see
some of you guys performing.
We learned a lot from you.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, thanks for having us,
for real, yeah.
We appreciate it.
It was really...
You guys were super gracious
and hospitable all week
so thanks for everything, man.
It's a pleasure.
It's a pleasure.
And you're welcome
to Macau tomorrow.
Tom: On Sunday the
last day of the tour,
we all met up at
the Hong Kong Ferry Terminal
to catch the one
o'clockhydrofoil to Macau.
Please spread the word
about TakeOut Comedy,
about what we're doing...
I get emails all the time...
If someone says,
"Oh, Tom Segura recommended me,"
I would email them
and I will always email you.
Chad: Okay, that's cool.
And you gotta be... just bestraight
out with me, yes or no,
'cause I get emails
all the time from comics and...
Chad: I'm not gonna
give anybody your name
'cause then it's gonna lessen
the chance of me coming back.
Pete: You know how you guys, um,
you know how you two
seem to have bonded, like,
harder than I've seem to
have bonded with you guys?
No, I don't.
I don't notice that.
- No, like, I feel like...
- I picked up on it.
I feel like you guys, like,
I feel like we've all bonded.
And I really wanted to bond...
You and I already have a bond
from years
and years ago where, like,
I feel like the bond of you twois
just like insane, you know,
and like, 'cause you went
to get suits together
and you almost died
in that alley.
No, there's, um...
You're... you're... you're
notgiving fair to the fact
that you brought your spouse.
Yeah, it ruined everything.
Not... you didn't ruin anything
for having a companion
for your trip.
You have a companion
for your trip.
Like just from Macau,
should I get rid of Jami.
I mean, if you want
the last day to be awesome.
Rose, right?
Yeah, dude,
you know the expression.
- Yeah.
- Fuck your wife.
Tom: Macau was a colony of
Portugalfor well over a century
before being handed back
to the Chinese in 1999.
You can still see Portuguesearchitecture
all over the place
along with what seems to be
a Nevada influence.
Tonight's show is at
the MGM Grand in the Lounge.
- There's a big bus over here guys.
- Where's our bag?
We're kind of like New York City and
Boston in the '80s, I guess '70s now.
So that's why we're so excited.
Ten years from now
that's where we'll be.
Right, but, you know,
you have to be careful
because U.S. '80s... boom!
- '90s go down.
- Yes, I agree.
Because the quality is not there
and because nobody is trying
to nurture new comics
and then you have
too many rooms...
That's what I'm trying
to do, all that... yeah.
So, you know, we gotta becareful
about that, you know.
You money grab,
the money will go fast.
Don't grab the money,
grab the talent.
The money will come.
The money will come.
The money will come
sooner or later.
It doesn't matter.
Don't count on it, you know?
You're right. You're right.
You know, we gonna,
you know, you don't count
your money when...
When you're gambling.
Pete: I always see stuff
like this where, like,
some comedian will be
standing in front of their sign
to Vegas, but like I never
like it on Facebook
'cause I'm like,
you're just an asshole.
Well, I just want to make
itclear of doing it,
I... I... I don't care.
This is not for me.
- I'm doing this for...
- We're doing it...
I hope we're doing it for him.
Like he wants it.
I don't want it.
We're doing it so that
Jamie can document the...
There I am, the face of Macau.
I don't know, man.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Don't think,
uh, we didn't notice
that you had that poster
made out front.
That's the Pete Lee show
with the background singers.
Tom and fucking Chad.
This is it.
This is the poster
and then we're like...
Today is, um, the lost stop
of your, of your tour.
So how do you feel so far
of your Asian tour?
- Feels amazing.
- Yeah?
Yeah, not only have the
showsbeen incredible,
which was a surprise to learn that
we're funny over in Asia, too?
Um, but just everything
that my eyes have seen so farhas
been incredible.
It's almost like I loaned
my eyes out to someone else
and got to see everything
of like a world traveler
would see.
Okay.
- Chad?
- I haven't...
I haven't left my hotel room.
I've been watching
a lot of American movies
and I wish that I could
rent out Pete Lee's eyes
to see the world
as a world traveler.
- Tom: I'm tired.
- Yeah?
I'm very tired.
I am still tired.
I've been very tried
the entire time.
- The entire time?
- The entire time.
- Even on the stage?
- On stage, off stage,
- right now.
- Right now.
I'm very, very tired,
but I've had the best time.
It's been an amazing experience.
I mean, I would have
liked to do it alone,
but I still
even with these guys,
it was still...
Still an experience.
Guys, you cannot buy
your girlfriend a dildo
that's bigger than you.
That's just paying money
to emasculate yourself.
You can't buy your girlfriend
a dildo that's smaller than you.
That's just a shitty gift.
So really it's a snatch 22.
[audience groans]
Not quite laughter,
but I'll take, "Ahhh!"
Tom: To put it in gambling terms
a Sunday night show
in a casino lounge
in a foreign country
is pretty much
the hell gig trifecta,
but that doesn't mean
there wasn't some fun to be had.
I'm American.
Uh, you can probably tellbecause
I'm thin.
- [laughter]
- Oh.
I, uh,
I finally played golf
and beat my wife.
Those are two separatesentences.
I got home and she was like,
uh, were you playing golf?
And I just lost my fucking mind.
I'm dressed like an asshole,
what the fuck
do you think lady, Jesus?
Segura going up
and doing my first joke
and Pete Lee's first joke
combined with Pete's look,
the look on Pete's face
when he realized
what he was doing
is one of the funnier
things I've seen,
and I was already laughing
at the fact
that Tom was doing it
and then I looked at Pete like,
isn't this funny?
And he was so mad that that just
made me almostshit in my pants
I was laughing so hard.
And thank you guys,
this is my last show in Asia,
um, and, uh, thank you guys,
uh, thank you guys
for being such a great crowd.
I appreciate you guys,
thank you, thank you guys.
Yeah.
Man: Yeah!
That was Tom.
He was like, stay!
I'm like, fuck you.
I don't know if you guys
knowwhat Tom did out front,
but he went up and did Chad
and I's opening jokes,
that like, make the crowd
love us and he's an asshole.
Like he took away our spark
at the beginning of the show
so we both have to come up
herewith our dick in our hand
and be like, I don't know
what I'm gonna open with.
So if you see him later
punch him in his dick,
but, like, punch a lot
'cause it's small.
[laughter, applause]
Keep it going
for Pete Lee everybody.
And Tom Segura.
Man: Yay.
Yep, that was
the right response.
Tom wasn't supposed
to be on this tour,
but he had to leave Americabecause
he raped a waitress.
So he's actually
running from the law.
Well, not running, I mean you
saw him, he doesn't run.
He's eating from the law.
Tom: Probably a good thing the
tourdidn't go another night
or things might have
started to get harsh.
This is such
a great night, folks.
This is the biggest crowd
we've ever had over two years,
so I'm gonna take a littlepanoramic
picture, everyone.
So everyone put your hands
up, put your hands up,
put your hands up.
You know for me, I don't know
what happens in the future.
I'm just so glad
that we were somehow
part of the history
of stand-up comedy in Asia.
Don't move, don't move,
don't move.
Yay!
Tom: You're so lucky
to be able to...
To get on a plane
and just talk about your dick
in a different continent,
you know.
Everyone have a good time?
Please, one more big hand
for Tom Segura, Pete Lee
and Chad Daniels.
Come on up here,
come on up here.
I think that I now know
that I can do comedy anywhere
and it's gonna be fine.
It was...
It was just a great time.
It was definitely, like,
leaving summer camp for sure.
When I got off the plane
I was just like,
where are you guys...?
My dad's here to pick me up.
On the way back
I feel like energized
and... and this is, you know,
exactly what I done
for other people,
uh, what I envisioned
I do to myself.
- You guys are the best.
- [cheers, whistles]

[Asian rap music playing]