I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007) Movie Script

Nice shot. Nice pass, here we go... ball in. Come on man, come on chuck! Yeah! Yeah! Come on, Come on... Uhhh! Feel the power! Foul! That wasn't a foul! Chuck! Chuck! Chuck! I need to talk to you! Hey Darla, what's the matter with you? You sound so upset. You slept with my twin sister on Saturday that's why I'm so upset! How do you know for sure it wasn't you? Cause I wasn't there! It sure looked like you were there to me. Ohh, he's dead! Come on, let's figure this out together this is a tricky situation. Do me a favor, say, "Oh Chuck, keep buttering my biscuit". Get outta here. No, I'm trying to do detective work here so we can both be happy. I'm confused too! I feel violated. Chuck... keep buttering my biscuit... You're right, that wasn't you. You are such a loser Chuck! Let it go Darla. Hey look who's here. He has moved up from Marshall's to Bloomingdale's. He didn't even know it was you that night, Donna. Ha Ha, that's joke! He thought it was me! He knew it wasn't you because you would never do half the freaky stuff that we did! Tell me I don't know how to satisfy a man! You shut your mouth you fat ass! Whoa, whoa, whoa... Come on! Now don't fight you two, you're sisters give each other a kiss and make up. You're the only sisters you got... use your tongues. Dare us to? Unless that's too freaky for Darla over here... You'd be surprised just how freaky I can get. I'm sorry, right now you gotta prove it to me. Come forward. That's right. Uhhhhhh! Say bye, the bell girls. Hear the bell gentleman? Let's go, time to make a living. Somewhere something is burning! Larry, Larry... let's go. Alright, somebody call Larry a cab. Shut up. Chuck, you said you were going to sign Mr. February for me! I will I just got to go save the city first. I'll call you! No! I'm going to call him! Hey, who's this guy? He's a transfer from engine company 12. His name's Duncan. They say he put his captain through a wall. For what? Don't know, don't want to know and my advice... don't ask him. Hey you... my friend Carl here says you're an axe murderer is that true? See... you're wrong Carl. This is Carl by the way. He lives at 845 Rutland Rd. Apartment 4C, right? We need more ladders up here... Going in alive... ...Coming out the same way, let's go. Please! My son is up there! My baby! Alright, alright, we'll get your baby we'll get your baby, calm down, calm down. Please! Please! Chuck, you got the keys, use them. It's not a chase, alright? Pain in my ass! It's open. Show off. Bernie! Bernie! I'm up here! Hang in there little man! ...up the stairs. Let me hear that voice... I'm up here in my room! Alright, try and stay calm. Hold on man! Oh, Oh, Oh... Where you at buddy? Let's hear that voice! I'm over here! Alright, let's find a new way in. Oh God! Please help me... help me! Alright, Alright... Oh! Thank God! Holy Shamu. I'm sorry, I can't get out of bed. There's a bed under there? Can you walk at all? I haven't walked in 5 years! Alright, maybe if we strap a rocket ship on this guy we'll get him out of here. No, no we can do this... people with cars, it's adrenaline, you know? Well cars, this guy's more like a freaking minivan. Hey, hey buddy we're going to help you out here. Come on. How's my Mom? In life, she survived the birthing process nothing's going to take her down. Come on... uh, just grab a side Chuck what do you mean get him, what are we going to do... Come on. Come on! Let me chop him up, we'll take him down in pieces. What?! Get real here... Alright alright! Just grab the back of our coats. Turn around Chuck. Hey, hey did you start this fire by lighting one of your farts? That's funny! Hold on to us. Hold on, start running go! Ahhh, ahhh... I'm running Momma! I'm running like the wind! Slow down! Slow down! Momma! Oh, ouch! Chuck, Chuck are you alright? Thank God. Oh my God! Oh sweet Lord! Broccoli! Oh my God! You saved me! Those two! They're my heroes! I love you, I love you! Oh, get me a hero... I'm starving! Oh get me out of here, bring me to a deli... So, how the kids doing? Oh, Tori's just great man. Playing soccer, scoring goals. It's awesome. And Eric? He starting Little League? Yeah, I don't think that's happening. Why not? May Me My Mo Moo Moo Me My Mo May... Eric, that's enough sit down get ready for dinner. Okay. Dad, you smell like smoke. Did you put out a fire? I wasn't roasting marshmallows. That's so cool. You're so cool. Oh, could you help me out Teresa and uh, just grab that spaghetti sauce out of the microwave? No, I have train... Would you please? I... I just need a hand I don't really know what I'm doing here. Is last train for 15 minutes. Alright, you can go. Ohhh! Oh God. Ahh! Bowlin A's. Looks more like bowl of shit. Yeah, thanks for all your help. Ok guys, so... what is new? I'm auditioning for the school musical. Pippen. You uh, you like that huh? The uh, musical thing. Yeah, I love it I think it's my calling. That's what you said about hopscotch. You're just jealous cause I can do the splits. Isn't that supposed to hurt his testicles? Yes... you don't talk like that, you get back in your chair and finish your hotdog salad. Oh boy... Brownies are ready! Will you stop using my easy bake oven? But I like to bake. Guys will you... Eric why don't you watch the Met game, huh? ...employee and planning department please tell me your name. Larry Valentine. I'm sorry I didn't quite get that. Larry Valentine. You said Barry Smalinpine is that right? Smalinpine? You said Smalinpine is that right? I was enunciating! You said I was enunciating is that right? Woooo! You said Woooo! is that right? Dad, you have to try my brownies, they're fabulous! Enough with the splits! Watch baseball! Then it took 45 minutes for this robot to stop calling me Barry... then it starts asking me if I'm calling from Gooklyn. Look all I'm trying to do is change my beneficiary from my wife to my kids. Okay, you would have to file a request to do that. Great. Let's do it. That's going to take awhile. Look lady I don't have awhile alright I'm a fireman, I could die tomorrow. I guess if that happened, you would be burned. Are you trying to make a funny? Sort of... anywho sir, beneficiaries can only be changed for three events, births, deaths, and marriages. According to our records we did contact you when your wife passed away, you had a year you should have responded. Oh, like a crazy person I was busy mourning the death of my wife. Off the record I could suggest something that's a little more simple and perhaps more fulfilling to speed things up. That would be great, what do you got? Should you remarry, your new wife at that time could be named your primary beneficiary. So, if there's somebody special in your life I mean who knows, maybe even someone you just met and you are ready to make a commitment. Maybe now's the time. Just go crazy. Look how pretty she is. Going in alive... ...coming out the same way. Alright baby. Come on buddy. Levine, Valentine, can we finish this secondary search so I can get home to my wife and be denied sex. Yeah absolutely. So he's auditioning for a musical? Yeah... Pippen. Pippen, that ain't so bad. Is it about Scotty Pippen? I don't know, he practices singing a lot. Hey, Sinatra sang a lot. Yeah, that's true. Better than dancing. Yeah, it's just when I was his age all I did was sports, you know? Maybe they'll make skipping an olympic event, there's still hope. Come on man, I don't have enough problems? Baton swallowing, I bet he'd be great at that. Yeah, you're an idiot. I'm just busting your balls, come on. Ladder 223 roof, secondary search negative going upstairs. At least your whole pension thing's working out for you buddy. Yeah, hey, you know what? Why don't you come back down here I'll stick this pole up your ass and turn you into a lollipop. Are you talking to me or your son? Get down here now I'll give you an ass beating! I will destroy you. Ha ha ha ha. Hey Larry, good news, I found you something to eat. Oh cool man, I will devour that. You want? Alright, I'll give you a thousand bucks you eat this things head. For a thousand bucks, I'll start at the ass and work my way to the head. Aha! This I gotta see baby! Come on! Nothing but net! Here you go buddy. Chuck! Larry! Mayday, mayday! Ladder Holy shit! I dropped the rat dude, we'll have to do that another time! That's alright buddy, just relax, stay calm. Ohhh! This things going to break man, get the hell out of here! No hey man, we came in alive, we're going out the same way! Come on! Oh! Go! I got it! We got him over here! We need a scope! Chuck, come on man. Heads up! Two members down! Mr. Levine, Mr. Levine? Do you know where you are? Am I in a Motley Crue video? Cause you're hot. Honey, how's my buddy doing? Honey? Uh, we're expecting a full recovery. And, Mr. Levine, please address me as doctor. Dr. Honey, yeah okay, you got it. Chuck, what's going on man? Brace yourself Larry, what I'm going to tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now. What? They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're going to be alright. Oh, you know, you're such a dick. What's going on is you saved my life, man. I would have died if you didn't do what you did. Ah, would you stop being so melodramatic. No, I owe you... that's the code. Whatever you want, whenever you want it. Whatever, whenever. Whatever? Yes! I'll take that rat. You want to find that rat for me? Cause I'm hungry as hell. Hi Dad. Eric, Tori... hey guys, come on in. They called me into class and nobody would tell me for like a really long time what was wrong. Did you die? Oh, no Daddy's fine buddy. I could go home right now if I wanted to. I'm only staying here because your Uncle Chucky he's afraid to sleep alone. It's true Eric if he don't sleep with me then I got to sleep with Dr. Honey and you never know with Dr. Honey what kind of mood she's going to be in. What are you? Six years old? Ahh! Where you going? Come here lay down next to me! I'll split a vicodin with you, we'll have some fun! Aha! You little tease! Sweetie, what's the matter? Come here, it's okay. This is the same hospital, you know? Mom... I'm not going to leave you, you hear me? I'm never going to leave you. I'm quitting the department. Get outta here, man. No, Renaldo's cousin's got an Acura dealership down in Trenton. You want to sell cars? Acuras? I don't want to. But everytime I run into a fire, where's my head going to be? I'm all my kids got left. If I die... I just don't want to leave them with nothing. Your father was a fireman, his father was a fireman. You are a fireman, man. One of the best Brooklyn's ever seen. That's it. You can't do nothing else. Like I have any other choice. We'll come up with something, alright? Come on, I promise ya. Ah, poor Chuck! Hey, hey my girls are here. How are you?! My leg hurts. How are you feeling? Oh God, we got different lives. I need some help out of here. Let's get in there. Hey who want to massage my ass muscle? Me! Larry! What time is it? It's 4:00. I saved your life, you said you owed me. You remember that? Yeah, you saved my life then got me out of bed at 4 in the morning. We're even now. Hey, look, I'm going to throw something out here and it's going to sound a little bit crazy. You're getting a breast reduction? Would you... no, shut up. No, I figured out how to solve this pension problem and I don't have to quit the department! Great! How? What we're going to do is we're going to set things up so that you inherit my benefits if I die. That way you'll be the one responsible for Eric and Tori. Absolutely, that's a great idea. How do we do that? Yeah. Domestic partnership. Domestic partnership? You mean like faggots? No, I mean yeah, but not us obviously, you know... uh, it's just on paper really. Paper faggots. Okay look, the accepted vernacular is gay, but yeah. I got to get something to drink. I'm going to have to pass. You can't! Why don't you pay some chick to marry you if you need this set up? Some chick? Like who? Give me the phone, I know plenty of chicks who could use the cash. What do you want, a blonde? a puerto rican? I'll get you a heavy girl, she'll make you feel better about yourself. Hey, it doesn't matter, I don't have any extra cash. Look man, you're the only person I can trust. Hey, you know who you could trust? Your maid. Teresa. She steals! She steals? Why don't you fire her? I'm afraid. I think she's into voo doo, I don't know. Oh God. Look this is the only way I can keep doing what I do and make sure my kids are protected. Larry! Look at us! We're not gay! But if we were gay, don't you think I'd be with someone a little hotter looking than you? I'm Mr. February for godsake. It would be like the prom king fooling around with a tuba player. Oh great, I played tuba. Larry, I love you, but I'm not in love with you if that makes any sense. I still want to be friends. Alright, do me a favor... just picture this please, alright? You're at my funeral and you're looking for my kids but they're not there. Because they're in some factor in Bangledash making sneakers for six cents an hour. And you go home to nail some chick you met at my gravesite and you look up and right there in your window are my kids. Just tapping on the glass and tears just streaming down their faces. You think of that and now you give me your answer. How would they be tapping on my window if they're in Bangledash? Oh my God, you're not following me here. I'm serious. Chuck, I'm thirsty, do have anything to drink? Yeah, there's Gatorade in the fridge. The girls are here... the girls, they want the Gatorade. Oh, they're thirsty! Larry, Larry watch this... Girls, actually, it's down low... the Gatorade. Oh, thank you... yeah. I can't be gay Larry. I can be a lesbian for you, but that's about it. I am so lonely in here. Hurry up Chuck. Dr. Honey, Dr. Honey... you know Dr. Honey. Yeah, I do. How are you feeling Mr. Valentine? It's still stiff when I go to the right. That's normal. Hey, who untied you? What? What? We have rules around here girls! Now I'm going to go Charlie Chaplin on your ass! Use the cane! Use it! Use it! Whack em, Whack em! A ha ha! You're just an animal, man. I am not an animal, I'm a whore. You don't want to marry the town whore. Believe me, you're better than that. What I'm talking about is no more involved than co-signing a loan or joining a gym! How do we know nobody's going to find out about this? Because privacy laws are super strict nowadays. Look, all we got to do is just forward your mail to my house for awhile. That's it! I don't know. I saved your life bitch. Partners? Partners. Shake on it. You should have let me die asshole. You're partners now fellas. Oh, Teresa brought in the mail. That's a first. Me, Chuck, that's me... Chuck. Chuck... Chuck. Chuck. Chuck. You got to be kidding me, they send these things blown up now? Is that doll for me? No, no, no sweetheart, it's for me... it's uh, a training doll, you know for CPR, they're testing us again, you know... ...to make sure, you remember Daddy did the test to make sure the air, the passageway is clear and you... to see if they're breathing... sweetheart, go to your room please, go to your room okay? It's for me. She's fine, she's fine. We're dancing. Whoa! Fire under control, all units. Great to have you back Larry. Great to be back, Captain. Captain, found out what started the fire an old fashioned doobie. Hey brother, that's my weed. Can I get that back? You want this back? I can't give you it back but you know what? I got something better for you. Whoa, man! Do that again! Ha ha! He liked it. Looks like a powdered donut! Mr. Valentine? Yeah. Hi, I'm Glen Aldrich from the pension department. I'd like to talk to you about your recently filed domestic partnership. Oh! Hey. Are you okay? No, yeah, no I'm fine. That's how I always get down, it's just faster... you know, steps... Is your partner home? Uh, Mr. Charles Levine? Uh, no, he uh... how did you find out that we uh... Oh, it's standard procedure. You see, when a previously registered portfolio shifts over to a domestic partnership filing in the insurance log, there's an information sharing system that notifies us of the adjustment to make sure it's not a mistake. Why do you ask? Were you keeping your partnership secret? Secret? Are you kidding me?! Hell no! Now we're telling everbody! It's a party! Telling everbody what? Butt out Ron! I hope you don't think we have any reason to doubt your situation, Mr. Valentine. But the sad truth is some people have used homosexual lifestyles as a cover to reap illegal benefits. Wow. Who's that? That's Paula, uh she's my late wife. So you haven't always been gay. No, I'm uh, I'm newly gay. When she died I knew I'd never find another woman who'd make me as happy and uh, that's when I boarded the dude train. Would you excuse me one second? Sure. Hey homo, did you see the moon balloons on that chick? They're a jiggle away from falling out. Chuck, don't tell me lost your key again sweetheart. What key? Baby! How about a free show?! Why don't you shake them for me? Oh, you mean Ron, the mailman. Yeah, Ron you look great man, love the moon balloons shake em! Shake em! Hey Chuck, come on in. This is Glen Aldrich from the penis... the pension department our pension department. Hi. Oh, hey. Yeah. He uh, he knows about our partnership and uh just here checking up on us making sure we're not running a scam to collect illegal benefits. People do that? What is with the world? It just makes me so sad and gay to think of that kind of behavior. I'm going to go to my room right now and listen to Boy George records calm down. So, you've moved your relationship to the next level how's it been going? Ah great, we've just been having sex with each other all the time. Loads of sex. Gay crazy sex. Man on man, loving every minute of it! Balls and wieners all the way, right there! Well I won't take up anymore of your time... Bring the funk! Okay, thank you. So that's it? You don't have any other questions for us? No, that's not really how we do it. See if my report says I thought something was out of the ordinary then the department assigns a special investigator and he or she will just drop in from time to time unannounced. Over the next three or four months. No big deal. I'm just asking, was there anything that you saw that was out of the ordinary? Oh, I can't tell you that. Alright, have a great day. Oh we will. Wooo! Ha ha! Nice seeing you. Take care. Nice seeing you. We love your pants by the way, very nice! Are those wrinkle free? I think they are! They look great! They do! No one's going to find out about this? Oh! Ah! He likes it rough! Yeah! Bye bye now! Take care. You made a promise to me. Alright, we're going to have sex now! Okay, we are! Here we go! Woooo! Why are we even seeing this lawyer guy? I just want to find out how much trouble were in here. Maybe it's no big deal. This guy will be able to tell us. Just give me your hand maybe we should be snuggling a little bit. You mean to look... Yeah, just a little bit like that... Yeah that's good, does this work too? Get away from me! Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Meet to nice you. What was that, Japanese? What, what are talking about? No, no, no I didn't do that. Yeah, you did say it. You did. Okay, just come on in. Yeah, yeah sure. So, my assistant says your domestic partnership is being challenged by the city. Not exactly challenged yet but they're definitely sniffing around. Home visit? Yeah. You're being targeted. Targeted? It's like an audit. Who'd they send? It was a Glen somebody. Probably the initial interviewer but if you get a follow up from a funny little guy named Clint Fitzer, then we've got real trouble. Yeah, the city's really been cracking down ever since the Bensley case. What's that? In Colorado, a heterosexual government employee married his gay friend so the friend could be covered under Bensley's health insurance. The state found out about it, fired Bensley and prosecuted them both for fraud. Really? Oh yeah. These people needed to be made an example of. I mean gays and lesbians have not been fighting for these rights for forty years to be made a mockery of. You guys have nothing to worry about because you're a legitimate gay couple, right? Oh yeah, we're big time fruits. I used to wrestle in high school and I loved it. Okay. Curiosity kicking up again, what exactly did they get, the hetero bastards? Well Bensley got five years and his gay friend got three and a co-worker of Bensley's got 18 months. Why? What did he do? Bensley told him what was going on and he never reported it to the so he was convicted of obstructing justice and conspiracy to commit fraud. Pretty rough, huh? When I used to climb the rope in gym class I wished it was a guy. There is a secret weapon that really might help get these guys off your back. Oh great, well we love secrets. Yeah, we do them all the time. That was a key he was throwing away he likes that... Leave a trail. You know the strongest evidence for genuinely demonstrating is to take a quick drive on up to Canada and legitimize your relationship. Legitimize? Get married. Marry Larry? Alright, where do two guys get married? Hey, what do we got here? Wedding Balls. I do, I do love Clay Aiken. Great Rearendings. Till Dicks Do Us Part. Where we going to do this sweetheart? What's the matter you getting cold nuts? No, it's just Paula always wanted to go to Niagra Falls and I never got the chance to take her, you know? You were great to her. It's been three years already man, just, just... she would want you to be happy, she would want you to move on with your life find somebody new, I'm telling you. You know what? I did find somebody new and I'm marrying him today. Oh yeah, I'm a lucky girl. Queers. What was that? I said uh, tears... your love for each other brings tears to my eyes. That's what I thought you said buddy. You better watch what you say my friend. Why don't you just drive the car, you want to get beaten? You want a Brooklyn beating, moron, huh? You want to get him nuts? Smacked around? Then shut your mouth. Faggots. What the... bitch... Hold him down, hold him down. Hey! I'm sorry! You're not going to drive now, moron. Wheel man... just hold him. Stupid cow. Sorry. Hey, may I help you? Yes, we're um... we're um... Gay? Yeah, we're uh, marrying each other. Gay. Civil or religious? Religious. I'm jewish, I don't want to piss my mother off. I'm catholic, I don't want to piss Mel Gibson off. Religious is more expensive, we have hire a clergyman. You know what? We'll just do civil then, okay? Will you at least wear the yamaca? Yeah, okay sure. It's important. Yeah I will. We want a traditional wedding too, one with a lot of photographs for evidence. Evidence... for our future children so they can see what a beautiful chapel this is. Yeah. That's nice. I think chebrock needs a dress, am I right? No that's okay. Come on, no? What size? Five times XL? No, no... that's fine really. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go with a tux. Like Liza Minnelli, I saw her wear one at the Oscars. At least have garter belts underneath, please? Okay. You will need to have a witness, we can supply one for 100 dollars. A hundred doll hairs? That's a lot of doll hairs. Come again? Do dolls come with that many hairs? Doll hairs... like dollars... Doll hairs... He likes that. I never heard that one. Okay, sorry, sorry... can I write that down? We'll get our own witness by the way so don't worry about that. Will you be needing a room? A what? A loom? For romantic time together. Oh whoa, whoa, whoa... no. We're good. We'll take two looms by the way. Yeah, we're old fashioned. Oh, that's very nice. I will give you key in case you want to sneak. That's okay, yeah. But I'll give you key. Do you have the rings? Yeah. Now the rings are a symbol of eternity because the ring, there's no beginning there is no end. Because it's a circle. That's kind of nice. It's not like a triangle, a triangle has like a corner and the ends, this one is a circle. Okay we get it. Three corners. Please exchange the rings. Alright, take that. Alright, here. Thanks. It's a promise of your love forever together. Beautiful. For all eternity because it's a circle. Yes we heard about the circle, yeah. Yes, we're familiar with shapes. I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss the husband. We gotta do this... What do you mean? We gotta do it. Kiss the husband. Yeah, we heard you. He's going to take a picture, we just got to do this. Oooh! That's how we roll in our house baby. Oh yeah. Ohhh! Ho, Ho... Do you do me? You couldn't handle it little man. Yeah. I think your witness please himself. Ahhh... Kink, kink, kink, kink... The wire's are all in place and they have tapped all of our phones. Chinese government's in on it. And Elizabeth Taylor is big foot. Turn off my brain. Here here. Ohhh... There's a microphone in the cake. They moved it. He smell like a dead water buffalo. Oh yeah, that was jewish. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... Ahh! I've been hit! He broke his leg. Hey, how come your maid ain't helping us out. She's working on something else, alright? Yeah, right. How you doing there Phil Collins? She's working hard with Bob Barker. Hey, she doesn't like when you talk during her shows, come on. Hey, big ragu, I smell your feet from here, I like it. Ohh, he thinks my feet stink. Now that's a stink. See I knew you were going to overcook this man, I told you. It's salisbury steak, it's supposed to be black. It stinks like manure. It's supposed to. I can't believe you're going to serve this to the kids... shit. Language! Kids, shit is a bad word. Seriously though, I am not eating this crap if I'm living here, I'm cooking. How long is Uncle Chuck staying? Just for a little bit, okay, until his apartment is fixed. What happened to your place? Uh... roaches, yeah, big giant roaches, they ate my dog. Bastards. Language! Roaches are so ewwwy! Did you hear that? Roaches are ewwwy. Ewwwy is another word not allowed in this house, okay? I think Ewwwy is a nice word. Shutup. Ewwwwy! Funny. Real smooth. Why? What happened? You broke Tori's chair! No, no, no, it was like that when I got here I'm not kidding you, I think she did it. What the hell is that on your face? I'm exfoliating, it's good for my skin. That's a great idea man, in case the gay inspector comes by. Yeah, yeah that's why I was doing it. Daddy! Help! Tori! Somebody left the seat up! Real smooth, again. Why? What happened? It was like that when I got here, she... she did it. It's okay sweetheart, you see Uncle Chuck's not used to living in a house with a young lady. True that. Slow, slow, slow, slow... don't leave her intestines in there. Oh, whoa. You're father's just jealous cause he can't get his butt in that thing. He got his butt stuck in a king size jacuzzi one time, I seen that. Stop. Uncle Chuck, you left this in the kitchen. Hey, don't you look at that! I didn't! Know what give me that, maybe he should look at it. Stop it Chuck. This is an experiment, seriously. Eric, see how this makes you feel. Open it up. Ahhhh! Alright, that didn't go well. Yo, you got any tequila in this house? I want to fall right asleep. No I don't. What the hell is this, you got a dog I don't know about? No, that's your bed. I worked hard on that. That ain't a bed. That's a bed, the thing you're about to cave in. No, look you're not sleeping here, okay? Nobody's slept on that side since Paula. But sweetheart it's our honeymoon, of course I'm sleeping in the same bed as you. No. How about if I put Paula's pajamas on, would that get me in the sack with you? Don't you dare touch her pj's. You're kidding me, you still keep her pj's? That's sick Larry. Seriously, you gotta call the shrink. I'm coming in the bed Larry. Look at this, you made me a little bowling ball ashtray, that's sweet of you I'll smoke that in the morning. I don't feel comfortable with this buddy, at all. Would it help if I gave you the pose? Hey, get your foot off that side of the bed. Have some respect, would you please? I'll be respectful you won't even know I'm here, you won't know I'm here. Okay, why don't you turn the light off, you won't even see me. I'm not around Larry, yeah, yeah... see, yeah. You're alone, make yourself comfortable. That's right. You got cinemax in here? No I do not. What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Keep it away from me. Will you lend me your foot for a second? I'm kidding. Larry... you betrayed me Larry. You made a promise no one would sleep on my side of the... Alright, I swear to you I will beat you with the end table! Larry... if it was me I would stop it man, it was some one else. Scared me too, Larry. Good morning Daddy. Oh, hey kids. Good morning Uncle Chuck. What's doing guys? Good morning Teresa. Good morning. Ahhh! Why's Teresa in the bed? Uh, she was uh, just cleaning it... great job Teresa. Spotless, thank you, you can go now. Hey, this is what got us in trouble in the first place! Come on kids, fix me breakfast. Come on, come on, come on, come on. You're going to burn for that. Get cinemax. While I'm sleeping in the same bed? Hey, you weren't sleeping the whole time. You threw in some moves. I did not! Yep, smell your thumb. It smells like plastic! Hey, big guy. What the hell you doing going through our garbage? Oh, once it's out on the street ready for pick up it's public property. Lawrence Valentine, I presume? Yeah, that's me. Clint Fitzer from financial services. You know, funny thing, you put these moving boxes out for recycling after you'd already been living together for so long. I found that interesting. And your garbage, Mr. Valentine... well, from my experience it's not very homosexual garbage. Uh, can I see some indentification please? Well that's just one zip away. Mr. Valentine the law takes a dim view of those who cheat... a very dim view, big guy. Shit. What are you doing? I'm putting a pillow case on my pillow. You know what, that's not a pillow case, it's my underwear you idiot. No! Would you stop? I just ran into Clint Fitzer out front, that big city investigator. The one that hot ass lawyer was talking about? We got to make this place more gay. More gay? Yeah, he went through our trash, he said it's not gay enough. Well let's gay that shit up then. Gay trash, gay trash, gay trash... Let's see... Heh, heh? Yeah. What else? Anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything better than you. Perfect. Hey! Eric, are those the cleats I just bought you? Uncle Chuck helped me turn them into tap shoes. Yeah, he didn't get Pippen, so we're going to prime him for his next audition. For the Annie Get Your Gun thing... go ahead, tap away. Sinatra tap danced, come on. Nice, nice... big finish. Yeah! You want to throw him in the garbage? I'm kidding, come on. Think like a gay guy, we're gay, we're gay... Oh here we go look at this, shampoo for permed hair, that's pretty gay. Put it in there. Okay. Bandages? Nah, that's too rugged. Really? Q- tips! Get Q-tips. Gay guys like clean ears for the licking and what not... smart. What do you got? Maxi pads. Now we have vaginas? Put it back! Get some Streisand shit or something, just walk away man. Gay. Very gay. Oober gay. The gayest. And the mothership. Oh! Chuck! Alex. Hi! Wow. Oh hey, did Larry tell you I talked to him about Fitzer stopping by? That guy is an infection, but don't you worry about because I'm going to handle it. Oh, it's all good... it's all gay. All the way. Are you doing anything on Saturday night? No, why? Well, I'm invoved with this group and it's our big fund raiser thing and look, I know it's a little bit last minute, but... No, no, no... hey, let's do this. Let's party, wow! Awesome! Awesome! Okay. It's going to be a lot of fun... I'm sure! and here's the info... Hell yeah. and don't forget to bring your husband. My husband... yes, of course. I don't go anywhere without him, he's like uh, he's like an infection too. Are you going to be bringing your significant other, person thing? Oh, I'm not gay if that's what you mean. And I just broke up with my boyfriend, so... Oooh! I mean oooh. It's fine, so am I going to see you there? I'll be there. Okay. Oh, you want to go... Yeah. See ya. Yeah. Hell yeah! Sorry, did you say something? No, they got uh uh, KY Jelly two for a dollar... hell, yeah! Okay... bye! Bye. This does work. Got some mail for you Mr. Valentine. Oh, okay... thanks Ron. Something I can do for you? I uh, couldn't help overhearing you and Mr. Levine talking about your arrangement the other day. Oh yeah uh... we're, we're a couple so... Right. I also caught a bit of what you said pertaining to me. What, I'm sorry? I heard you mention to the gentleman that you thought I was a hotty. Oh yeah, you know I'm sorry if that came off a little weird... Oh no no no no, it's nothing to worry about sir. I don't bite. Oh okay. Listen, just so you know, if you're ever home alone in the afternoons I make drop offs. Oh boy. And I always deliver. You know, I'm pretty loyal to Chuck. Right, I understand. I'm just saying if you ever want to uh explore your other feelings. There's no extra postage and it's always first class. Alright, anything else you feel you need to say there? I handle with care. Okay Ron, thank you very much I appreciate it. I'd be happy to come in through the back door. I'm sure you would. I'm used to holding large packages. This actually ain't going to bad man. Just some regular gay folks having a party. Aha ha ha... I'm dirty, I'm dirty! Oh my God! It's homopalooza! You know what, find Alex, say hello and let's get the hell out of here. I'm going to take a leak. You're going to go to the men's room? Here? What's wrong with that? I peed three times before I got here. It'll be fine. Apple martini? Oh yeah, there's my lawyer. Look at that perfection. I want to suck your blood! Aha ha ha! Suck my what? Nothing. No, it's cool, you want to suck something. I uh, was talking to somebody else. Hey, don't go bitch... don't be a tease! You whore! Hello? Anybody here? Oh my God. Alright, let's do this. Chuck, hey! I'm so glad you made it! Alex, that's you, right? Yeah... I'm cat woman. Oh ho... Wow, so I had no idea Dracula could look so fierce. I like Betty Butterfly the most. That's my brother Kevin. Your brother? You're related to him? Yes! He's got to come out of the closet already, I feel bad it must beat him up inside knowing he's got so many secrets. Shut up! My underwear's just riding up my core. Seriously, I got some apple sauce going on down there. I can't wait to launder that load. What's up apple dumpling? What's crack-a-lackin? What's crack-a-what, I'm sorry who are you? Do I know you? Oh, I'm sorry I'm Kevin, Alex's brother. Oh, oh hey man! Larry... um Chuck's better half. Better two-thirds actually. So I got a question, I know you know it's coming. Don't do it! I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it! Don't do it! Who's pitching and who's catching? You mean who's the chick and who's the guy and that kind of thing? Please don't feel obligated to answer that, it's none of our business. I know it's not, but it's fun to know. Not a problem. Let's see, this is going to be a cool experiment. Who do you think is the chick out of us two? One, two, three... Chuck! It's so Chuck! I know! What do you mean, Chuck? Ohhh! Why, why would you think I'm the chick? Well, he's an apple, very masculine... very solid fruit. And you're uh Count Suckula with a straw in your beer. I'm drinking through a straw because I don't want to smear my lipstick. Oh yeah, that was worse, alright. I also think it's because you have very sweet sensitive eyes and that's very rare to find in a guy. Well you have very sweet and sensitive eyes too. I do? Us chicks should stick together, huh? Take it easy buddy. Girls rule and boys drool! Yeah. Oh my God! Are you okay? Breathe! This is my jam! This is my jam, you know that this is my jam, watch my drink, okay? This is my jam! So... you going to show me your moves? Oh my God he's got the flags out. I can't dance to this shit, can you? Hell no! Look at these guys man, they're freakin Travolta's. Gay guys know how to dance good, it's like the law or some shit. Get in the circle right now! Any second! I can't wait! I can't wait! Look at this. Hey the butterfly's coming out of his cocoon again. That's my brother! This is his jam, it is his jam! Ah, Kevin's having fun. I didn't need to see that. I'm flying! This is not good, look at this. It's show time boys! Sorry... Alright Larry get up, that's it, that's it. Come on! We're busted dude, we're busted. Let's go junior high on their ass. Junior high? Yeah, let's do this! Okay. Is it working? I don't know I'm afraid to look up. I think it is, I think it is. Oh my God, we really pulled this one out of our asses! Bad choice of words there Larry. Bad choice of words. Hey Chuck, Larry we got a basketball game every Tuesday night at six, if you want to play the butterfly knows how to get a hold of us. Okay, right on, thank you, thank you. We'll give you a buzz, nice to meet you guys. Sinners and fornicators! We are not here in anger! We are here to save you from eternal damnation! Wait, wait. Come on already this is a private event, now give it a rest. Aren't you worried about where you'll spend eternity?! Is this what these guys do on a Saturday night? They just want every one to be as miserable as they are. Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way! It's okay baby. Hey, hey, hey... you heard the man, it's private party so take a walk. This is a public sidewalk, we have every right to be here. And we have every right to be queer! Yeah! Homosexuality is an abomination. Hey uh, news flash man, that jacket's an abomination! Gay is the way! Gay is the way! Hey, what makes you think you have the right to dictate how other people live their lives? I'm a minister, I'm allowed to preach in any public forum. Well, I'm a fireman and I say you're blocking emergency access let's call it a night guys. Whoa, whoa, whoa... you're a fireman? You are a disgrace. You're a flamer is what you are. There's no reasoning with these people, just let it go. Let it go, just let it go. Have a good day. See you later! Faggots. I'm sorry, what did you call me? Oh I called you a faggot... faggot. For your information the accepted vernacular is gay. Wooooo! Homo's one... crazy people zero, official score! Gentleman I have a very simple philosophy. What you shove up your ass is your own business. Captain. Shut up. Now, it's not my style to get involved in the personal lives of my firemen and if sometimes I've given you the impression that I'm your friend I apologize. However, I seriously doubt that you two are banging each other. You and Paula were the most beautiful couple I ever laid eyes on. And you, if my pencil sharpner had a skirt I'd have to hide it. Look, do you have any idea the stress an administrative position entails? I've already got a prostate the size of a cantelope. And now thanks to you two bozos I've got the pension department pissing up my chimney. Not to mention every flaming fruit bat south of Poughkeepsie that wants to come down here to our house and slide up and down our pole. We should tell him. We're telling the truth, we're telling the truth. Ixnay on the uthtray. I don't want to hear about it. And if this marriage is something you've cooked up in response to this pension problem, you are not taking me down with you. I will report you, you will go to jail. Where you won't have to pretend to be gay because your asses will be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory. I just wanted to thank you again for what you did at the fund raiser. Oh yeah, that... that was no big deal. You sound a little down, where's Larry? He's at school with the kids doing the career day thing. So does that mean that you can have a girl's day with me? A girl's day? Yeah, I need some new shoes, new underwear... A girl's day! Uh huh! Oooo Oooo, girl's day! Sure! I'll pick you up. So, by trading in prerefunded municipal bonds we can offer our clients triple tax exempt returns. Any questions? There never are. Thank you Mr. Auerbach for that very nice trip down Wall Street. Our next parent is Larry Valentine, Tori's father. Hi everybody, I am a firefighter and I'm proud to be one because it's my job to protect the community and make sure it's a safe environment for all. Whoa! You got some questions already. Yeah. I don't like girls either, does that mean I'm gay too? Uh, uh... no, no. You were married to a woman, right? Yes. Does that mean you're half lesbian? Kids, Mr. Valentine is here to talk about his career today, okay? Mr. Valentine, you said you were a fireman. Yes, that is correct. Do you have two jobs? Because my Dad said that you're also a butt pirate. Larry. Steve. Rough crowd, huh? Kids. Yeah. So listen, we're all set for the boyscout overnight this month. Oh great, we're all set? No, we're all set like we don't need anymore fathers. Alright, well I guess I'll see you at Little League then, alright? Oh you know what? We're good. We are good? No, no, no, no... we're not good. We don't need you for Little League, we're good. Okay Steve, what's going on? I signed up to coach three months ago. Lar... I don't want to get into this with you here. Hey, you know what Steve? You're really starting to piss me off. I'm trying to get Eric interested in baseball. That kid interested in baseball? You got a better chance getting Colonel Sanders interested in a hamburger, buddy. Fight! Fight! Fight! Ohhh! Your Dad's gay and so are you. Oh! Hold my hand! Hold my hand! Go back to Jersey! Go back to Jersey! Oh, whoa whoa, nice pad! Oh, thank you. Hey you are soaked, do you want to borrow a sweatshirt or something? No no no, I'm great, I'm great... Thank you. Okay, but I am freezing so... What are doing there? Oh... I'm all wet. Actually, you know what? I'll take that sweatshirt. Oh yeah. Thanks. So uh, that's a great body you got there. I mean, it could be the best body I've ever seen in my life. Shut up! Besides Larry's. But yours, your tush looks like it's made of muscle and Larry's is made of pudding and quarter pounders and God knows what. Well, these are real by the way. I mean, nobody thinks they are, everyone thinks they're fake but they are real. Alex, you're going to lie to me? We're two girls hanging out, come on! Are you kidding me? There's no silicone here I swear. Well no big deal if they are or not, I don't care. I've got nothing to hide... feel them. Feel them? Feel them. I mean I uh, uh uhh, uhh, I have a uh I'd rather feel a flabby man pec, to be honest with you. But, in the name of science if you need me to hold your bodacious bahama mamas or whatever the guys call them nowadays I'll do it. Yes, go ahead. Oh! Ummm... Well? Yeah, they're real. Told ya. And creamy and fun for someone who would like something like this. But to me this is like ewwww! I just got a little nauseous there touching them. You want a bite? No no no, feeling them's enough, I'll do that again. No, I meant food, are you hungry? Oh! I'm sorry yeah, no I uh just... that was funny! Nice, nice... Wait wait wait, me and Nootzie against you three guys. You don't want to play? Hey Chuckie I gotta be honest with you, you play real physical defense and none of want you copping a feel or uh rubbing up against the ole bushkadush here. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're horny for every guy you meet. Oh really? Cause everytime you covered me in the past I feel like you were grab assing on me. Yeah, let the WNBA play. Come on. Fine... go. Unbelievable. Oh God. What? You want to mess with me too? Huh, you want to mess with the queer? Cause this queer don't take shit from nobody. Let's go then. You ready? I'm a fireman man, I ain't afraid of nothing! Put your fists down. Me too. You too? You too what? I'm gay. I can't believe I finally said it. Oh God, it feels so good. It's like a wave is crashing over me. Ooo! It's so liberating. Oh yeah. Do you remember the first time you said it? The first time I said... yeah, yeah I was with Larry. Your lover. Yeah. Who, by the way, is absolutely gorgeous. Ah thanks, uh he's mine though, so... I know, that's your man... mmm hmm. Yeah. My whole life I've been living a lie. But you and Larry have given me the strength to be true to myself. To thine ownself be true. There's nothing worse than pretending to be something that you're not. Yeah, yeah well I'm glad... I'm glad we helped you out and uh, anything else we can do, you don't hesitate to ask. Would you help me tell my parents? I guess. Yes! Oh! Whoa, whoa! Oh yes yes yes girl! Hey, you guys catch that Met game last night? They got a shot of my cousing throwing a beer at the ump. I missed it, I took my sister to the electrolysis place for a second opinion. They said there's nothing they can do. What the hell is so funny? Noooo! Pick that up would you? I ain't picking that up. Want my soap Renaldo? Right here. Hey Tony, give me your soap. No, I don't share soap, too many germs. Come on, give me the damn bar of soap, give it to me! Who's going to do it? Hey, how you doing? Hey Duncan. Tell you about that later. Whoa whoa whoa... Whoa whoa whoa... Alright, yours is done. Yours too. Alright take a look. Okay. Girls rule with a z. This is so awesome. I hope you like yours. Let's see here. Friends forever. Anything with forever and you in it sounds pretty good to me. This is great. Slide her on. You know what's still bugging me though? That those guidos wouldn't let you play basketball with them. We could get a court order and have them suspened in two seconds. Court order... no no no, these guys are good guys they're just having problems adjusting. Calm down, relax, finish your wine, come on. Okay. You're right. Yeah. You're right. But you know what would really help me to relax? Is a foot rub. Please, Please? You'll be my bestest friend. Oh, they're good. I can handle it. You know I love that you're a chubby chaser by the way. Chubby what, what? Well you know, Larry's heavy set. I mean is that always the type of guy you've been attracted to? Uh, no, he's my first fatty. Yeah, you guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry. I float his boat and he sinks mine. Yeah, I've never had that, really had that with anybody before. I just... I don't even know if I know what I'm doing. What? I'm serious. Come on, give me some moves. How do you turn Larry on? How do I turn Larry on? I uh... I mean, to get him in the bed of course, I just lay a pizza out. No! Really, seriously. Well he likes it when I rub his big hairy earlobe. That gets him crazy. Really? Yeah, it's a spot of his. Try it on me. Try it on you? Yeah yeah, you know I just grab it and usually when I do this to Larry he's like boing. I love it. You do? Yeah. Like that? Sure sure, yeah, work both hands I like that. Then you can go to some hair pulling, right about like that. Like that? Yeah, ooo, yeah let him know you're there, know what I mean? And a slap out of nowhere is good. That is good. Uh huh. Yeah, not ultimate fighting kind of smacking just light and sexual and fun. How did you, how did you get to be so good at all this? I don't know, just a lot of practice I guess. I used to be kind of a, kind of a jerk. But uh, then you meet somebody special, makes you not want to be a jerk anymore. Actually makes you want to give everything you've got to that one person. Yeah, you know it's true when women say that all of the good men are either gay or married. And of course I'm hanging out with one who's both. Oh, yeah yeah. Just for the record though if I wasn't so into chubby hubbies or uh chunky monkies, what did you say again? Chubby chaser. Oh yeah yeah. I would just be so all over you. Oh come on, no way. Are you kidding me? Look at you. You're gorgeous and you're smart, passionate, funny. I'm just... I'm just so happy I met you. Oh yeah, yeah, friends... friends forever. Oh yeah. Oh my God... oh my God, what are we doing? Whoa whoa whoa, hey hey, Alex. I just never felt this way about a woman before. Because you're gay and you're married and you're my client. This is so wrong! No! It's not about right or wrong or gay or straight or hard or soft... Wow. No! I can't see you. I can't see you except as a client. Alex don't, don't say that please. I believe in marriage, I believe in what it represents. I betrayed you, I betrayed Larry... oh my God, poor Larry. Larry, he's a great guy. But I got to be honest with you. Our marriage is... all he does is watch his baseball games like I don't even exist anymore! You have to go I'm sorry. He hits me though. I'm so sorry, please... please go. Hey! What the hell's going on out here? Nothing I'm just trading a few buckets with Eric and Tori. Over here making small talk, you know? You'd think on such a nice day, your husband would want to spend time with his family. Where is he anyway? Is he out straight bashing again? No, he's at his mother's he's taking her to the movies. No Daddy. He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady he always talks about when you're not around. He is? Ahhh! I just felt a breeze Mr. Valentine and that breeze is blowing straight toward justice. Oh! Hey guys we got a perpetrator lodged in the air duct. Apparently tried to break in last night, got stuck. You're the guys from the newpaper, right? Yeah, that's us. Alright then, you're going to love this. The guy got stuck upside down so his ass is still hanging out for you. That's pretty funny, did your mustache come up with that? Oh I'm sorry, I don't speak gayinese. Hey, anybody, you got to get me out of here. I just peed on my face. Alright, relax buddy I'm here to help. Unlike some people around here who only help themselves. Who you talking about? You. Why, what happened? Fitzer came by today and Tori told him about your obsession with our hot ass lawyer. Obsession! What, what is she talking about? Oh don't even give me that... Mr. I'm taking my mom to a movie. You know what, maybe if you were around today Fitzer would actually think that I don't know, you like me. Hey man, I got to lie to you. Thanks to you I got to lie to everybody! Especially Alex, I can't be honest with her. I can't get close to her, I can't even have freakin fun with her. Why can't you have fun with me? We always used to have fun. Because you've changed, ever since you force me to marry you, you're so God damn controlling, you don't act like my freaking husband. You act like my boss. You do this, you do that. Hey, what time you coming home tonight? You're smothering me man I can't freaking breathe! What you guys need is a bubble bath. Shut up! Idiot! The only reason you're feeling that way is because you're afraid of feeling trapped. That's what happens when you get married! Fat ass, we're not really married! I'm just in some gay crazy nightmare! That you can't commit to because you can't commit to anything. I swear to God, I'm feel like I'm the only one who's trying to make this thing work. Work! That's right it's become work! This relationship is work! Face it, we are not supposed to be together. I found somebody I really want to be with. Instead of being jealous of that why don't you do the same? Because I still love my wife. Well move on already. Your house is like a freaking shrine to Paula. One of these days you got to get a real wife. One that your kids don't got to lie about every two seconds. Nah, you can't keep it in your pants for five minutes and that's why we're so screwed up now! Oh whoa, back up buddy. You know why we're in this jam! Cause you can't open your freaking mail! Everything with Paula's name on it gets tossed in a desk and filed under "too painful to deal with"! Guys, could you at least call another fire department? What is your rush idiot? You're going straight to jail anyway! You know I can't deal with sleeping next to your stupid ugly face tonight so don't bother coming in the bedroom. Oh wouldn't dream of it honey! You are a lousy best friend and a shitty husband! Hey, for the record, everytime I laughed at one of your jokes I was faking it. You're a monster! Oh my God it's Mr. February! I love you, I love you, I love you! Wow, that's a gay bracelet. I hope Fitzer sees that. Shut up. You needed to see us? Shut the door. You know for the first time this month I pissed without spraying it in all three urinals at once, so I was in a relatively good mood. Until I received this. Seems the guys in the company took a meeting and they all signed that petition requesting I transfer you both out of here. What? Are you going to listen to these idiots?! I'm not going to do it, but I have to do something to keep the peace. Now personally I think it's just a matter of time before your little act gets busted. Until then, you're on separate shifts. What? Separate shifts? Hey, we've been together forever! So were my balls, and now I only have one of them. Wow. Valentine go to work, Levine go home. Hey fellas. Hey, heard you guys have been circulating a petition. You mind if I take a look at it? Oh, what do you now, I got it right here. It's impressive, a lot of names, let's go down the list see who we got here. Nootzie! Hey remember that time Chuck and I ran back into that textile plant and dragged your limp body out? Even though Chuck's leg was broken like in three different places. Man, that was pretty freaking gay of Chuck, huh? Wow! Renaldo, man I remember your first day on the job. Remember you were so scared you actually crapped yourself? And Chuck and I we snuck you back in here, we cleaned you up so nobody'd find out. You begged us not tell anyone. And did we? Let's ask. You guys hear that story before right now? Show of hands. No, but it's hilarious. Yeah, it is hilarious. Tony! Nice signature. Hey is that the same one you used to endorse the check that Chuck gave you when you gambled away your mortgage payment on college football? I guess his money wasn't too gay to bail you out or keep your wife from leaving you again. Again? I guess Chuck's not a enough of a man to work next to work next to big strong heroes like you guys. Oh look at that, a fire, well I hope it's not a bad one. Because the faggot who's been saving your sorry asses is now thanks to you, working on another shift. Let's go. That's when Sadie said, "Love will always help you find your way home". Sleeping... sleeping. Huh, that was easy. Oh you know I love you, but I got to... Hey. I'm sorry. Me too. That stuff I said... I know. Can I sleep in the bed tonight? I'd like that. Come here. Yeah. Handle with care. Larry... don't let him sleep on top of me again... Larry. Don't do the voice, I will kill you I swear. Hey! Hey hey. You ready for your big day little man? Big day? My audition Dad. Me and Uncle Chuck have been practicing for weeks. He wanted to work with you but I was around so... Why don't you do one last rehearsal, let your father play the Annie role? Fabulicious, I'll get my music. Did you hear that? It's fabulicious! Ahh, come on, come on. Okay. May Me Mi Mo Moo Me Mi Mo May... Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. No you can't. Yes I can. No you can't. Yes I can. No you can't. Yes I can, yes I can! Yes he can! Hit it! There's my star! Turn around and a flip, flip, flip, flippity flip and a skip. Go now! Oh! And a russian split! Oh, you nailed it! My kid is pretty awesome. Hey, there's only one guy I know that can dance better than that. Who? The homeless guy from our wedding. That dude was pretty good. Balls and weiners... Is it true? Alex? Look at this. who have claimed to have slept with you over the last year and half. Just 16? Thank God the 500 other ones couldn't read or write. Wait a minute. You knew about him and all these women? Alex, you know what it is? We've been through this before. Chuck's got a bit of a problem, he messes around with women because he's ashamed of being gay. Now is it all just about you or do you really just don't consider anybody elses feelings? No I don't. I'm just a big gay jerk. Ow! What are you doing? You know you like that. Guys, guys... the shit is about to hit the fan, okay? If I'm going to defend you I have to know the truth. You have to look me in the eyes and tell me that you are gay and that this marriage is legitimate. Alex, we're gay. Okay and we are married. It's real. Can you help us out? Okay. Okay, this investigation is going to get rough. They are going to quiz you about every detail of your lives, every aspect of your relationship. But since you guys are telling the truth... then I'm sure you'll be fine. Just for the record, I thought this was a man when I was with her. Does that help us out at all? Let's go over it again. Your birthdate? April 26th, taurus. Got it. Yours? September 9th, virgo. How about your favorite brand of underwear? That would be Mr. Calvin Klein. I can tell you my least favorite... Whoa! I love you Mr. February! I'm on fire, help me! Alright, Mr. February, let's go show these guys how married we are. Ah, what the heck. What are you guys doing here? We're here to apologize and back you up. Like you always did for us. Yeah, we've all lost a lot of friends in this job that we will never get back. We don't want to lose two more because we were being thick headed. Yeah, we're partners for life. Not partners like you's two, but... you know what I mean. Yeah. I love you's guys. Molest the... I'm just kidding you... Hey Chuckie... Yeah. I got to ask you something, I mean... What's up? Why did you pick Larry? I mean, I work out, I tweeze my unibrow... am I not good looking enough for you or some shit? No no no, Renaldo, you're just not my type. You're a 10. I just like them chubby. That's my thing. I'm a 10! You hear that? I'm a 10! Woo! On a scale to a hundred. You're just jealous, cause gay guys like me! Good morning everyone, I'm Daniel Banks, city council president and I'll be presiding over these precedings. It's going to be a long day so let's dispense with the preliminaries and just get started. Mr. Fitzer... Thank you, your councilship. That's for later. Mr. Valentine, please tell us why you married Mr. Levine. Love. Yeah yeah, that's what I'm talking about... gay love! Please sit down sir. Sorry. Mr. Levine... Yeah. Sixteen local women claimed to have had sexual relations with you as recently as mid April. Including four Canadian strippers the morning of your marriage. It's true, I did have sexual relationships with them girls, but uh, I was kind of having a commitment issue... Larry's forgiven me for that and that's all that counts to me is what Larry thinks. That's right Fitzer, you suck! One more and you're out, sir. Sorry sir, you're cool... he sucks, I'm gay. Gentleman, at this time we'd like to interview you individually. Mr. Levine, please step outside. Yeah, no problem. I'll miss you. I'll miss you too buddy. Ahh! I like it rough! One for the road. I did the cooking until Chuck moved in, the toilet was thankful. He ain't the greatest chef in the world. I'm Wolfgang Puck to his Wolfgang Suck. We met back in the fire academy in 1987. I was top of our class. He burned off his eyebrows first day... gone. Larry tried to eat the fire, I remember that. His favorite song, Don't Fear The Reaper... Blue Oyster Cult. You're Beautiful by James Blunt and people think I'm the woman. You're beautiful... just gets me everytime. You're beautiful... that is, that is a nice song. The thing he likes most about me is probably my love handles, all of them. I'd say my sweet sensitive eyes, like that of a kitten. The worst day we ever had on the job... This little kid fell in a swimming pool. Chuck was the first one there. I dove in. He pulled him out. I worked on him. Worked on him, worked on him... Larry stayed with me all that night. I just couldn't get that kid out of my head. When my wife died. Ah, that was the worst. I collapsed. He knew it was coming, but... What we have is beyond friendship. He's the best man I know. I'd do anything for him. I love him. What's going on? How'd you do? It was good, no problem. Want me to grab those see if they're real again? I'm sorry? I says, are we done yet? Not quite, they want to talk to the kids. Why don't you tell us about their sleeping arrangements? Dad and Uncle Chuck sleep in the same bed. Do you know why? Because they do everything together. Just like Will and Grace. It is kind of an unusual situation, isn't it? Having two fathers. I don't have two fathers. I have my Daddy and Uncle Chuck is more like a Mommy cause to me he seems like a girl. Why am I the woman? I don't get it. Okay, that's all thank you. Bottlenose Dolphins, Orcas, Gray Whales, Harbor Seals and West Indian Manatees. Huh? Species that sometime mate with the same sex. Bottlenose Dolphins, Orcas, Gray Whales, Harbor Seals and West Indian Manatees. I didn't know that, but now I'm glad I do. Thank you my dear. Remind me never to go skinny dipping with the Bottlenosed Dolphins. I just have to say that as a fellow gay fireman. That's right fellas I'm gay. You guys have a problem with that? Chuck and Larry, you've inspired me to want to find my soul mate. Where ever he may be. Hey, I'm a 10. I'm a 10. You're not my type, sorry. Fitzer, can we wrap this up? I just have one more question to ask if these gentleman would indulge me for a moment. By all means Mr. Fitzer. Chuck, Larry, would you say that there's a fair amount of passion in your relationship? Absolutely. More passion than you could imagine, boy. Yes. How wonderful. Now if you'd be so kind, I'd like you to kiss each other. You'd like, what was that? Councilman Banks my clients have been more than accomodating and to ask for a display of intimacy in the middle of a crowded room is simply demeaning. I'm afraid I have to agree. We seem to have gone from a hearing about fraud to some kind of weird gay witch hunt. I'm just saying your excellence, if these two men are as in love as they say they are, I don't see why this should be a problem. I'm just asking for one kiss, councilman. Yeah come on fellas. Show them how real men kiss. Come on! I will not stand for it, this is unbelievable, no! Absolutely not! Hey, come on... no. The councilman agreed it's demeaning to us. Plus we don't want to get you all horny. Me and this guy, we can get steamy. Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Order... order! You know what? Just go for it. Well... I guess it's show time. Going in straight... Coming out gay? Enough! I'd rather change my grandfather's diapers than see two straight guys kissing. But we're not straight. We're not, we're in gay love Captain, can't you deal with that? Oh shut up. If these gentleman are gay than I'm a one legged parrot. Anybody seen me with a crutch and a cracker? I didn't think so. And who might you be sir? Captain Finneas J. Tucker councilman, you may search my record. I hold multiple citations from Mayor Dickens, Mayor Cotch and of course, the great Mayor Giuliani. Let me tell you something, these men definitely broke the rules. They lied on a government form and they swore it was true. Which is despicable. But, interestingly enough excellency, even though they were deceitful to us all, I actually believe they ended up doing some good. What good are you speaking of Captain? Well, first off they let us know that when a friend is need you go beyond extraordinary lengths to help out. Whenever, whatever... that's the code. Then, they apparently inspired fellow firefighter Fred G. Duncan to come out of his super sized closet. Thus releasing his rage. And preventing what looked like to be an inevitable killing spree. And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a balloon. It has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people. It's true Councilman Banks. We're not gay. No, unfortunately we hurt people, people we wouldn't want to hurt in a million years by uh, doing what we did. For the record, the word faggot, that's a bad word. Don't use it, I used to say it more than anybody but I was ignorant. It's hurtful. It's like, uh kipe for me. Or fat boy for me. It stings a little when you poke fun of my weight. I didn't know that. Yeah, sometimes. I only do it, cause you do it. I know but I work hard... What is this? Gays of our lives? Should we cue the violins? This isn't a folk concert, it's a hearing and I believe I hear the sound of two felons going to jail for stealing from the city of New York. What exactly have we stolen? Nothing. Due to a weird rule in a flawed system my friend Larry here had to create this lie. The system may be flawed at times, Mr. Feb-blueberry, I'm in a calendar... woo! But it's the law and we all have abide by it. I'm sorry, but you did break the law. Ahh, God. Daddy... Councilman Banks, Councilman... Well you better have cuffs for three, because I'm going to jail with them. How's that Captain? I'm a co-conspirator. I knew all about this little scam from day one and I didn't say a thing about it. Captain! You don't have to do this, please. Yeah, he didn't know nothing. Fine, I'll have all three of you arrested. Slap some cuffs on me, cause I helped them plan the wedding. I drove them to the airport. I picked out Chuck's dress. Dress, why does everybody assume I'm the woman? Is it the way I walk? What is it? And I caught the bouquet in my mouth, I liked it. See, that's the way works with us fireman sir, you throw one of us in the fire we all go rushing in. Yeah! You throw one of us in jail, you got to throw the whole lot of us in jail. So... what's it going to be? Everything would have been fine if you'd just let me and Larry make out like we were gonna. Then you had to go all Newt Rockley on us. I am your commanding officer, I will not be addressed in that manner. Not in here you're not you bookie pine head. No, in here you're the big mouth who got us locked up. We should whoop your ass. Yeah! Hey Chuck. What? Free Chuck and Larry! Free Chuck and Larry! What?! Yo, dum dum... you got a visitor. Well, gentleman. That was quite a hearing. Mr. Levine, Mr. Valentine. Alright. The city would like to offer you a deal. We're willing to drop all charges and allow you to keep your benefits with two conditions. One, you plead guilty to falsifying a government form. The charges are reduced to a misdemeanor, you get a slap on the wrist and the city saves face. Done. Done. Two, you're celebrities in the gay community now. They've obviously not only accepted your apology, they think you're heroes. Now, raising money for AIDS research is still very crucial and the community has figured out a way for you all to help. Whatever it takes. Yeah. What do you need us to do? We're in. These two guys right here talking about doing something pretty serious. Making a commitment to love each other forever. Now, before they were on the down low, living a life that was lie. Now a lie is like a circle, it never ends. You know it's not like a rectangle that has a bunch of places that stop this one is a big circle... Okay, you know wrap up the circle thing, come on. Moving on. I'm going to move quicker now. Do you Kevin Butterfly McDonald take Fred G. Duncan to be your lawful wedded partner? I dizoo! And do you, Fred G. Duncan take this guy over here to be your lawfully wedded partner? I do. Well then, by the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Canada and the Province of Ontario which has always been very pro gay unlike that uptight country to the south, it's my pleasure to now pronounce you husband and husband, partners for life. There's my lawyer, you don't want to dance, do you? I don't think so. Your brother forgave me, now why can't you? Well, my brother wasn't the one that you felt up under false pretenses. You mean you only let me touch your boobs because you thought I was gay? That's sexist, I could bring that to the court room... you could be my lawyer. Look at Larry though, it looks like he took my advice and moved on. Which is great for him, but I don't have anybody to hang out with anymore. I mean these bracelets here says friends forever... I haven't taken this thing off since we made them that day, you? Yeah, that's what I thought. Ahh... Well, you've got about 30 seconds before I come to my senses. Really? Yes. And this is my jam too. Come on. What a delicious looking cake. Oh, maybe Tori would like to try it. That's nice, you're gay... you have daughter, that's nice. No, I'm not gay. This is Larry's daughter, Tori. Oh it's okay man, you can come out of the down low. I don't have to come out, I'm married. Where's your husband, point him out. No no, the lady in there. Which guy? No guy. Hey you know when you lie it's like a circle. I'm not lying.