I Wanna be a Criminal (2023) Movie Script
(lighter clicking)
Emily, I can't hold it in any longer.
You have no real purpose, no direction,
no drive, no passion.
By this time, I expected you to figure out
what the fuck you were gonna do.
Even if I have to drill it in your head,
you will figure out what
you're gonna do with your life.
On this day, your birthday,
it changes for you, my daughter.
This is the day you grow up
and seize life for what it really is.
I bought this for you.
This book holds the key
to finding your passion.
This book's helped me through
some really tough times,
so I definitely think it can help you
become less of a loser.
Here, happy birthday.
Can I blow out my candles now?
(chair creaking)
(dramatic guitar music)
(coffee machine gurgling)
(phone ringing)
Emily's house.
Emily.
What time are you coming in today?
Same time I always get there.
(laughs) Always with the one liners.
So what time?
3:15.
Okay. Remember, have
a smile on that face.
The parents are always watching.
(phone rings)
Hello?
Isn't it your birthday today?
Yeah.
Nice.
Turning 21 finally, huh?
Nope, just 20.
Oh. Bummer.
Weird.
[Charlie] Emily.
Good morning, Charlie.
Same to you, neighbor.
So how's everything at school?
I graduated, remember?
Oh, well then, how are things at work?
The same.
- Boyfriend?
- Nope.
- Girlfriend?
- Also no.
Well, I heard it was your
birthday. Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
- 21 finally?
No, just 20. And I'm
sorry, but I got to go.
Oh, well before you go,
I baked this cherry pie.
Would you like some?
No thanks, Charlie. Bye.
(sighs) Okay, you're awesome.
You've got a great job,
you get to work with kids,
and you get to tell people what to do.
(somber guitar music)
Hi, Connie.
- You are disgusting.
You're a bad instructor.
I like Willy better than you.
- Amelia, hey.
- Hi, Willy.
Ow. I think I just
got kicked in the face.
How could you let him
get kicked in the face?
Look, I didn't mean
to kick him in the face.
Why can't you be more like Willy?
Emily, how's it going?
Stop looking at me like that.
Ow.
You're an idiot.
You suck.
Emily, my office!
What's your job, Emily?
To teach karate.
Okay. But what's your other job?
To recruit new students.
Sure, but what's your other other job?
I don't know, why
don't you just tell me?
That's not how...
Okay, I'll tell you.
You are responsible for cleaning, right?
Yep.
And that includes the toilets, right?
Yeah.
So then why did I find this rubber duck
stuffed down the toilet?
I don't know, that
must have just happened!
I expect 100% efficiency, no excuses.
If you can't do that, then
I'll just have to let you go.
You'd fire me because of a rubber duck?
I'd fire you 'cause you
didn't get the job done.
Well maybe if Willy just
helped me out a little bit.
Willy has a disability.
He's colorblind!
Don't take your anger
out on Willy, okay?
Got it.
Now take the rest of
the day off, unpaid.
(Emily sighs)
- Bye, Emily.
- Bye, Willy.
God, I love that girl.
She's the best.
(tense guitar music)
Success doesn't find you,
you have to go out and get it.
But first, you need to know your why.
Why do you want to accomplish your goals?
Once you know your why,
you can start focusing
on actually accomplishing things,
and then you're one step
closing to answering
those two important questions.
What do you want, and how do you get it?
It's not gonna be easy, but
persistence breaks resistance.
You can't let people tell you
what you can and cannot do.
You are
(exciting music)
[Narrator] Does a killer
stalk suburban South Florida?
Learn tonight. Killer in the suburbs.
(tense western music)
(gun fires)
(gun fires)
I bet he never has to
worry about getting fired.
(tense guitar music)
Freeze.
(gun clicking)
You'll never take me alive.
(paper rustling)
No, I'm not that desperate.
(upbeat guitar music)
[Rony] Hi, my name is Rony Tobbins,
and this is my book, "Unleash
Your Limitless Mediocrity".
If you're reading this book,
there are only two questions
you need to answer.
What do you want and how do you get it?
Get out a notebook and
write these questions down.
Now!
(pencil scratching)
(chalk scraping)
Hey Emily, what are you drawing?
Just some bad guys.
What kind of bad guys?
Just some criminals, I guess.
Criminals?
Yeah, I want to be like them one day.
You want to be like a criminal?
Okay, well, whatever you are in life,
you just try your best to
be the best at it, okay?
[Emily] Mom!
Emily, have you drawing
in the street again?
This one's pretty good,
but you know I don't like
you drawing in the street 'cause
you could get hit by a car.
(car thuds and screeches)
Mommy?
(pencil scratching)
(dramatic guitar music)
Is that really what you want?
Well?
You're Rony Tobbins.
Yes.
- That's not possible.
- Of course it is.
Anything's possible if
you work hard enough.
And personally,
I think you'd be wasting
your potential, Emily.
How would you know?
I know everything about you.
Okay. Then why are you here?
To do this.
Ow! You can't do that!
Ow! Why?
Because you need to get it together.
You need to take your goal and go after it
with confidence and vigor.
But I don't have a goal.
That was just a hypothetical exercise.
I can't just up and become a criminal.
Yes you can. Don't you see?
That's your problem. You
need to believe in yourself.
And with my help, you
can accomplish anything.
Okay, but I'm not even
sure being a criminal
is something I really want.
It's just a fantasy.
What do you like about criminals?
They're free. They
do whatever they want.
- Do you want to be free?
- Yeah.
Say it, say it. I want to be free.
I want to be free.
Do you want to become a criminal?
Maybe.
No, you need to give me a solid answer.
You know why you want to
become a criminal, right?
Why do you want it?
- To be free.
So do you want to become a criminal?
- Yes.
- Then say it.
I want to be a criminal.
With vigor. Again.
I want to be a criminal!
Again!
I want to be a criminal!
(Emily's voice echoing)
Excellent.
So now what?
Well, if you want to become a criminal,
then you should start by looking the part.
(tense guitar music)
So, what do you think?
Maybe a hat.
There we go.
What now?
Now you need to find a
mentor, an expert criminal.
Where are we gonna
find someone like that?
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Of course it is.
We don't even know if there
are any criminals in here.
Emily, success doesn't find you.
You have to go out and get it.
No point arguing, I guess.
(tense guitar music)
Hello. Is anyone in here a criminal?
I am.
That was easy.
So, you're a criminal?
Yeah.
What's the worst crime
you've ever committed?
Well, I robbed a convenience store once.
What'd you take?
Just some Pop-Tarts.
No way! You did that?
Yeah, it wasn't that big of a deal.
Not a big deal? I can't
even imagine doing that.
I can show you, if you want.
(upbeat guitar music)
Okay, so what's the plan?
All right, so you go
in, steal the Pop-Tart,
meet me out front here,
and then we take off.
Okay, but how do I steal the Pop-Tart?
[Ally] Just take it
when no one's looking.
Oh, and don't make eye
contact on the way out.
- No eye contact?
- Never.
Making eye contact makes you
stand out in someone's memory.
What you need to do is
to be like a chameleon.
Like a chameleon, invisible,
merely a leaf in the winds.
Sure. You ready?
Yeah.
(bell rings)
(bags rustling)
How're you doing?
Good, thanks.
Let me know if you need anything.
(tense guitar music)
Have a nice day.
- Thank you.
(clerk sneezes)
Bless you.
You bought it?
Yeah, but it was
cheaper than I expected.
I mean, you're hopeless!
If you can't even do
this, I can't help you.
What are you doing?
She'll make a great mentor.
- But she
Go after her. Go.
Wait! Wait, I promise
I can do it, please.
Just give me another chance.
Fine, but you got to
promise me one thing.
What?
You got to lose the hat.
(upbeat guitar music)
Two root beers, please.
So.
- So.
You really want to be a criminal.
- Yeah.
- Why?
Well, it's kind of hard to explain.
Try.
Okay, well, I just
kind of always wanted to.
That's a terrible explanation.
Yeah, I know.
Well, what kind of criminal
do you want to become?
That's the problem.
All right, why don't you write down
all the different types that you know
and we'll go from there?
That is a great idea!
Oh, thank you.
Can I have a straw with mine? Thank you.
Here.
Okay, robber, arsonist,
insurance scammer, drug dealer, and...
Really? Serial killer?
Hey, you never know.
Whatever, either way, we
can try some of those out
and if you don't like them,
then you cross it off the list.
Like, we tried robbery
already, so cross that off.
Well, I wouldn't mind trying again.
You want to rob another
convenience store?
Maybe something bigger, like a house.
Okay, well, we can work up to that,
but why don't we start
with the smaller stuff?
Like what?
(melancholy guitar music)
Just drop it and walk away.
I don't know how I
feel about this, Ally.
All you have to do is
leave it on the ground!
What if somebody sees us?
They won't care!
What about the sea turtles?
- Just drop the bottle.
- Okay.
(upbeat guitar music)
(bottles clattering)
Sorry, Ally. Guess I can't miss.
Ugh!
(melancholy guitar music)
All right, now this is
much harder to screw up.
All you have to do is cross the road.
Okay, but the crosswalk
is right over there.
Crossing at the crosswalk
isn't a crime, Emily.
But what if a car hits us?
Then we'll die criminals, okay?
We're gonna go in three, two, one.
(car thumping and screeching)
Nope.
(upbeat guitar music)
You can do this, just park the car.
What if an actually
disabled person comes?
That won't happen. You can do this.
Okay, I can do this. I can do this.
I did it!
- You did it!
Oh my god, finally!
- I know!
At first I was like, can
I do this? Can I do this?
And then I just did it!
- So amazing.
Ally!
What do I do?
- Go! Get out of here!
Oh my god, did you see his eyes?
They were judging us so harshly.
That might have been the worst thing
that I've ever done in my entire life.
Oh yeah, that was terrible.
It was almost criminal.
You really think so?
I really do.
In fact, I think it's time we
move on to some bigger things.
It's time for me to
introduce you to some people.
- Really?
- Yeah. Come on.
(Jackie chewing)
Who the fuck is this?
I'm Emily, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Now,
why the fuck are you here?
Um, I want in on your next score.
What? You said you wanted some help.
I asked for your help, not
some asshole I don't know.
No offense.
- None taken.
Like, what the fuck?
Well, you can still have my help,
but only if you let her in on it.
Fine. Follow me.
(door creaking)
So, what's the plan?
I'll tell you on the way. Hold this.
Um, are these water guns?
Shut up.
(upbeat guitar music)
Are you sure this is
the best house to rob?
I told you, I've had this
house scoped out for months.
This girl's got some serious cash.
But doesn't it make more sense
to do it when no one's home?
Well technically, Emily,
it wouldn't be a robbery
if no one was home.
It would be a burglary.
Who cares, Ally? This
is the easiest way.
Break in, threaten to kill the
owner and all her relatives,
she tells us where to find the money,
bing bang boom, successful robbery.
Is this how you always do it?
Yeah, sure, I mean,
technically speaking, the
other times nobody was home,
but it can't be too different.
We ready?
I guess.
(doors opening)
Wait, what are you doing?
We got to make sure she's home first,
or the plan's no good.
(door knocking)
Get out of my property!
We're good, she's home.
But we haven't even told
you why we're here yet.
I don't know you, so I don't care.
But what if we're having an emergency?
I don't know you, so I don't care.
- But-
- Listen,
I have a shotgun and I
have a guard dog, so leave!
Leave!
(door slams)
Well, guess that's over.
What? Hell no.
We're just gonna go
through the window is all.
But what about the
shotgun and the guard dog?
That's all BS, man.
No one's ever serious about that stuff.
Is it really BS?
I guess we'll see.
(tense guitar music)
[All] Don't move, this is a robbery!
I could say the same to you!
You mean you're robbing us?
Wait, what?
She means that she could
tell us not to move too
since she has the shotgun!
- Oh, that makes sense.
- Shut up!
Listen, just tell us where the cash is
and we'll be on our way.
Who told you about that?
Doesn't matter!
Give us the cash or we'll
blow your brains out!
Yeah, we'll blow your brains out.
What? Is that a water gun?
(gun squirting)
Guys, wait!
(vase clinking)
- Where's Emily?
- I thought she was with you.
Oh, there she is.
(gun cocking)
(both gasp)
(gun firing)
Come on! Come on, Emily!
Go, go go go.
(gun firing)
Shit, shit, I can't
believe she had a shotgun!
What the hell am I going to tell them?
What are you talking about?
We failed! I don't just do this for fun!
I was hired to do this,
and the guys that hired me
don't take failure very well.
Okay, well, lucky for
you, we didn't fail.
When on Earth did you grab that?
Who cares? We did it!
I love you guys.
Wow, you really saved me there, Emily.
I don't even know how to thank you.
How about I introduce you
to the guys that hired me for this?
They're some real criminals.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I mean, she's better off
sticking with the small stuff.
Yeah, I'm better off
sticking with the small stuff.
Really? You sure?
Okay, well, if you change
your mind, here's my number.
I really owe you one.
Okay.
(door shuts)
Hey, um, so are you cool
sticking with the small stuff?
It got kind of dangerous.
Yeah, but you know we can't grow
if we don't take risks, right?
Ugh, you sound just like my dad.
Well, maybe he has a point.
Emily, the guys that Jackie
work for are dangerous.
Promise me that you
won't meet up with them.
Okay, I promise. See you tomorrow?
But Emily, I'm serious about this.
Okay, I won't. Stop worrying.
I freaking robbed somebody.
I could go to jail. This is incredible!
Congratulations.
But what the hell was with Ally tonight?
I don't know. I guess
she's just worried about me.
It's kind of sweet, really.
Sweet? Does sweet help you
accomplish this goal, Emily?
- No, but-
- Listen.
I think it might be
time to cut Ally loose.
I don't think I'm ready to do that.
Fine, keep Ally, but
at least text Jackie.
Get introduced to some more people.
I don't know, Ally
doesn't seem to think that
Emily, what did you tell Ally earlier?
We can't grow if we don't take risks.
Do you want to grow?
To find your passion,
accomplish your goals?
- Yeah.
- Call Jackie.
Hey Jackie, it's Emily.
(upbeat guitar music)
You've gotten really good at littering.
Yeah, it's become one of
my more favorite crimes.
Jaywalking's still a no, though.
So you still have no idea
what kind of criminal you want to become?
Nope, but I know I
really want to become one.
I know I asked you this
already, but, like, why?
Well, like, why are you even helping me?
I don't know.
I just like being around you, I guess.
Oh.
Hey, do you still work for that guy?
Yeah.
Good. I know just what we need to do.
(door opening)
Mother
(both laughing)
Oh my god, that was amazing!
I can't even imagine his face.
I know, right? That was good.
(dramatic guitar music)
Here it is, here's the money.
[Don Alfredo] Well done.
There's your cut. You did bueno.
Now, leave.
Thank you, sir, but I have
one more thing to discuss.
[Don Alfredo] What?
A buddy of mine helped me
out on the job and, anyways,
I thought you might be interested.
[Don Alfredo] Is she with the FBI?
No, definitely not.
[Don Alfredo] She helped with the job?
Yeah.
[Don Alfredo] Very well.
Calvin and Ike will evaluate her
and then maybe bring her to meet me.
I have been talking about
expansion, haven't I boys?
[Both] Yes, sir.
No, that's wrong.
It's like this. Hee-ya!
That's, like, exactly what I did.
Ally, this is a complex move.
A direct hit like this
will stop a man's heart,
so the little nuances matter a lot.
Now, try again.
(phone dings)
No, that's...
That's what?
Oh, that's better.
Um, you can keep practicing
if you want, but I got to go.
What? Where are you going?
Oh, you know.
No, I don't know.
(door knocking)
Jackie?
I'm here.
Where are they?
- We're right here, Emily.
Oh, hi.
Hey, Jackie.
Hey, Emily. Sorry about this.
It's okay, as long
as he doesn't kill me.
You're not gonna kill me, right?
That depends. Why did
you want to meet us?
Well, I didn't really
want to meet you guys,
but Jackie thought it'd be good for me,
so here I am.
Wait, why would meeting
us be good for you?
I recently quit my job
and decided to pursue
a life in crime, but I
haven't had much luck
in making a living out of it yet.
So you're in it for the
money. That seems good enough.
I guess we can test you out.
Thanks.
Hold your thanks.
I'm still not convinced
you'll be good for us.
If you can last three
minutes with Big Cal,
then maybe I'll introduce you to the boss.
Sounds good?
I guess.
I'm Emily.
I'm Calvin.
Okay, fight starts in three
Wait, can't we do this outside?
No. Okay, three, two
Wait wait wait, legally
I'm required to tell you
that I'm a 3rd degree
black belt in karate.
- Okay, three, two-
- Wait!
Are you really a black belt?
- Yeah.
That's really cool, because
Shut up!
Any more interruptions? No?
Okay, three, two, one, fight!
(tense guitar music)
(Calvin shouting)
(Calvin grunts)
(cat meowing)
It still counts, right?
I guess so.
(melancholy guitar music)
Damn, you really knocked me out, girl.
Yep.
That's weird, I don't remember
throwing the first punch.
It must've been a good fight, though.
You slipped and fell, Calvin.
It's more like a "Peanuts"
episode than a fight.
And you're a...
Good fight, kid.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
(door shuts)
[Don Alfredo] Take a seat.
So, what's your name?
Emily.
You look young, Emily. How old are you?
- 20.
- That is young.
Your friend Jackie says you
might be of use to my family.
Do you agree?
Well, I don't have much
experience being a criminal,
but I'm a really fast learner.
[Don Alfredo] So why would
you want even to learn?
Well, because my dream
is to become a criminal.
What?
I want to become a
criminal. It's my life goal.
So you're not in this for the money?
Money.
I mean, money's nice, but
I'm really just looking
for more experience under my belt.
What about power?
You want power?
Power. I mean, power's nice.
Okay.
So, are you gonna accept me, or?
I will allow you to join the family,
but you need to know,
this is not a small
thing you're agreeing to.
If you betray me, I will hunt you down.
You, your friends, and your family.
Is that acceptable?
Yeah.
Bueno. Go see Ike and
he'll get you all set up.
Yes, sir!
Oh, do I get a uniform?
No. Get out.
Okay.
Thanks!
(dramatic guitar music)
You what?
I got a new job.
You quit your job as a teacher to what?
Become a waiter?
In a nutshell, yes.
And you chose to do
this? You weren't fired?
I wasn't fired.
You want to work in a restaurant?
I want to work in a restaurant.
- A restaurant.
- A restaurant.
Fine, if that's what you want.
But don't half-ass it. I expect 100%.
Okay, dad.
I don't see why you have to
tell him what you're doing.
He's my dad, I have to tell him.
You haven't told him
you joined the mafia.
That's a different story.
Whatever. So when are
you gonna tell Ally?
Tell Ally what?
That you joined the mafia.
You think I should tell her?
Yeah, I probably should.
(apple crunching)
(melancholy guitar music)
I really think that spray paint
would be much more effective.
Spray paint can be traced
back to us. Chalk can't.
Real graffiti artists use spray paint.
I don't really think we could
call this art, Ally, do you?
Yeah, probably not.
Ally, I have to tell you something.
Oh no, don't tell me
you're in love with me or
No.
- Are you pregnant?
- No!
My god, you killed someone, didn't you?
No.
I just wanted to tell
you that I joined the...
The workforce.
- As what?
- A waiter.
Is that a big deal?
No, I just, um, I won't
be able to see you as much.
Oh. Okay.
It's official, you're an idiot.
Shut up.
Fine, but don't blame me
when everything goes to shit.
I don't like Ally as your mentor anymore,
but she deserves to know what's going on.
I'm gonna tell her.
Sure you are.
Good morning, neighbor!
Where are you off to so early?
New job.
Wow, good for you.
Here, why don't you take
some cherry pie to celebrate?
It's fresh from the oven.
Maybe next time. Bye.
(melancholy guitar music)
Hello?
[All] Surprise!
Welcome to the family.
Oh my god!
Welcome to the family,
Emily. Make a wish.
Awesome, now what?
Now we party! Break open the beer, boys.
Wait, I'm 20, not 21.
We're criminals, Emily! Who cares?
Let's party!
Yeah!
(all cheer)
(cheerful guitar music)
And that's when I knew I
wanted to become a criminal.
Wow, that is so inspiring
that you're following
your dreams like that.
And to think some people warned me
not to join up with you guys.
This is everything I ever dreamed of,
to do whatever I want, whenever I want.
It is not easy. This is
some dangerous kind of work.
To think Ally would
try to keep me from this.
How dare she?
It's like Rony Tobbins always said,
never let anyone get in
the way of your dreams.
I won't let her do it.
I won't let her stop me.
In fact, I'm calling her up right now.
(phone buzzes)
Ally!
Emily. How was your
first day of waiting?
It was (hiccups) awesome.
Are you drunk?
No. Anyway, I have
to tell you something.
I...
I've joined the mafia.
What? Are you
But guess what? They're not
as bad as you said they are.
They threw me a party and gave me beer.
Is the beer all it took to win you over?
No. They also had whiskey.
Anyways, I was just calling
to tell you how wrong you are.
Great. Thanks for letting me know.
You're welcome.
And while you're at it,
why don't you delete
me from your contacts?
Okay. You sound mad.
Mad? No.
You just ignored all the
advice that I gave you
and went and did the exact opposite!
But I was just
You promised me that
you wouldn't do this.
That's not fair.
Have fun with your new friends,
because you just lost this one.
I think I messed up.
Yep.
Deal with it tomorrow.
(both laugh)
(Ally weeping)
[Ally's Father] Are you okay, sweetie?
[Ike] Hey.
Hey, Emily.
Wake up.
What?
It's time for work.
Oh.
(upbeat music)
Why are you standing there?
Stop talking and get to work.
Take out the trash, and
by the trash, I mean you.
You're an idiot.
Stop slacking.
Your face makes me sick.
I don't think you belong here.
Yo, Emily, where's my knife?
You make me sick.
Why do you look so stupid?
Your shoes make me sick.
Did they really pick
you to be in the mafia?
Never mind, I got it.
You look so ugly today.
I thought you wanted to join the family.
You're like an extended
cousin at this point.
Go with Calvin! Teach that guy a lesson!
What?
Go with Calvin.
Teach that guy a lesson.
Yes, sir.
(gun cocks)
Please, please, I didn't
mean it, it was just a joke.
Please, I already told you, it was a joke.
You ought to be grateful
that they sent me and not the others.
Get out of here.
What?
I thought we were gonna beat him up.
Well, we were supposed to kill him,
but that's between you and I.
(dramatic guitar music)
So, gun exchange.
Yep.
Anything I should know beforehand?
Nope. Just do whatever we do.
Gotcha.
We're here.
Shouldn't he take the
keys out of the ignition?
No, girl.
First rule of gun exchange
is to keep the car running
in case you need to make a quick escape.
But you waste so much gas.
Girl, just get out of the car!
Okay.
(doors opening)
Emily, you stay in the back!
Want a Twizzler?
No thanks.
Man, I'm surprised the
Russians ain't here yet.
They're usually more punctual.
Yep, normally they are.
Not to get emotional, Calvin,
but I really enjoy working with you.
I knew you had a soft heart in there!
Come here, homie.
I like working with you too, man. Yes!
I'm sorry, man.
(melancholy guitar music)
(gun fires)
(Emily gasps)
(body thudding)
You know what, Emily?
This is what happens
when you disobey orders.
Now, take care of it.
Okay.
What are you waiting
for? Chop up that body.
What?
Oh, duh, I forgot to put the tarp down.
(tarp rustling)
There you go. Now get chopping.
Sure.
Come on, I put the
tarp down and everything.
You do want to be part of the team, right?
Of course! I just, uh
Just what?
I just get stage fright.
I can't chop up a body
with someone watching me.
Oh, I got you,
I was the same way when
I first got started.
I'm gonna be over there,
I got to piss anyways.
I'm sorry, Calvin.
(Ike sighs)
So Emily, are we ready?
Mother
What did I do?
Okay, it's not as bad as I think it is.
(melancholy guitar music)
Hey, neighbor.
Oh, how's it going, Charlie?
I'm doing well, thanks. How are you?
Not so good.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah.
Well, I just got done
baking this cherry pie
if you want it.
Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.
(melancholy guitar music)
Well, actually, that looks kind of good.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Splendid.
(melancholy guitar music)
I'll hunt you down.
You, your friends, and your family.
I expect 100%.
No excuses.
I thought you wanted to join the family.
- I'll hunt you down.
- I expect 100%.
- No excuses.
- You, your friends.
I thought you wanted to join the family.
[Don Alfredo] Your family.
(Emily whimpers)
(metal scraping)
Oh, welcome back.
Nice to see you finally tried the pie.
I had just about given up on you, too.
You're confused.
Mm-hm.
I think I can help.
You see, some people are
addicted to painkillers,
or cocaine, or food.
Me, I'm addicted to feeding
people drug infused pies
and killing them.
(Emily whimpers)
Yeah, that's the pie that I gave to you,
which is laced with chemicals.
And the other, I eat as I watch you die.
It's my little treat.
Anyways, I'm only telling
you this as a courtesy.
You've been a good neighbor
to me for the past five years.
Any last request?
(Emily whimpers)
Here, let me.
Can I try some of the other pie?
- Some of mine?
- Yeah.
I guess.
Hm.
What?
Yeah, this is not as good
as the other one you made for me.
Excuse me?
Yeah, the other one you
made was so much better.
- They taste the same!
- No they don't.
Have you ever tried any?
- No, but-
- Then you can't argue.
Fine, I'll prove it to you.
Yeah, it tastes exactly the same.
The chemicals don't even add any...
Oh, shit.
Child's play.
(chair thumping)
(ax clattering)
Yeah, definitely not for me.
(door opening)
Thanks, neighbor.
(engine starting)
(phone buzzing)
Emily, I didn't think you'd
be dumb enough to answer.
Well, obviously you were wrong.
Apparently.
So, what is this call in reference to?
Oh, I just thought I could
give you a little heads up.
Abandoning me is the same as
declaring war on the family.
I'm coming after your father
and your little girlfriend Ally.
See you soon, Emily.
What do I do?
Take your goal and crush it.
How does that apply to this situation?
I don't know, I'm you.
I know what you know.
What do you think you should do?
I don't know.
Wait, what was that thing
that you said to me earlier?
Persistence breaks resistance?
No.
Actions speak louder than words.
No.
Know your numbers, grow your numbers.
No! It's not like math is
gonna help us solve this.
Success doesn't find you,
you have to go out and get it.
That's it!
If I want to protect them,
I have to go and get them.
Dad? Hey, do you want to go to dinner?
Okay, I'll come get you.
Wait out front, okay?
Emily, I might be going senile,
but this does not look like a restaurant.
I'm just picking up a dinner guest, dad.
I'll be right back, but you
stay here, okay? Please?
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Wait, what if they're here already?
Then we're screwed.
Shouldn't you have a weapon?
I should, but I don't.
Then go get a knife or something.
Does it look like I have
time to go get a knife?
My daughter is going insane.
Do you have anything?
You're in my head, you know what I have.
Hey, don't get snappy.
Just trying to help.
I mean, it could work.
It's sharp.
In theory, with enough
pressure, it could kill.
I think you've seen "The Dark
Knight" one too many times.
It's the only thing we have.
You should go to the
store and buy a knife.
Nah, too risky. I'll go with the pencil.
(door opens)
Be back in a jiffy, dad.
All right, Em.
(door shuts)
Yep, definitely a psycho.
What if they're here
already and this is a trap?
Good point, you should
sneak around the back.
Well, after you.
Is that one of them?
I don't know.
[Emily] Don't move,
or I stick this all the
way through your neck.
Okay.
Is that a pencil?
That doesn't matter.
Keep your voice down.
Okay, but before you stab
me to death with a pencil,
can I put the remote down?
Yeah.
Okay, what do you want?
Money? Advice? What is it?
I want to know what
you've done with Ally.
What have done with Ally?
What the hell are you talking about?
Turn around.
(dramatic guitar music)
Oh, this is strange.
I don't like this.
Oh my gosh, it's you. You're real?
Of course I'm real,
what else would I be?
You live in the suburbs?
Yes.
Hey dad, where's my...
Dad? Rony Tobbins is your dad?
Yeah, what are you doing here?
Right. I messed up.
I have to get you guys
out of here right now.
(door knocking)
Are we expecting someone?
I don't think so.
You know, you should lock your door.
You never know who could show up.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Ike. These are my goons.
Say hi, goons.
- Hi.
Now stay quiet and nobody will get hurt.
You do realize I know where
your secret base is, right?
Yes, but this is an intimidation thing,
and you would know that
if you had just done
what I told you to do.
I could have taught you so much.
Hello, it's a pleasure
to have so many people
at my place of work.
I've gathered you here because
Emily!
What's going on and why are we here?
I was wondering the same thing.
Are you...
I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself.
Rony Tobbins, nice meeting
you. You're Emily's dad?
Yeah, I'm Roger.
Okay, now that we've
finished introductions,
as I was saying, I've
gathered you here because
How did you know my name?
Oh, Ally told me she had a falling out
with a new friend named Emily.
I assumed it was you.
So you talk about me.
Don't let it go to your head.
- Okay, I won't.
- Shut up!
You have been gathered here to die,
because this idiot
(bell dings)
Abandoned her post and lied to me.
What post? You mean her waiting job?
It's not a waiting job,
she joined the mafia.
The mafia?
Yes, but I'm obviously
no longer a member.
(laughs) Definitely not.
Before I slaughter four people,
I like to be sure I'm
doing the right thing.
Emily, I'm going to ask
you a few questions.
If I don't like your answers,
then I will kill you,
your friends, and your family
one by one,
and then I finish with you.
Understand?
I guess.
So why did you abandon Ike?
Yeah, why did you abandon me?
Because blood makes me
squeamish, and I liked Calvin.
So you decide to betray
the family and leave?
(Rony clears throat)
Actually, if I could interrupt
Dad, don't.
This is what I do for a living, Ally.
What?
Well, I think a better
question for Emily would be,
why did she join the
mafia in the first place
if she's squeamish about blood?
That's a better question.
Wait, there's something about you.
I know, you're that
motivational guy, Rony Tobbins.
Yep, that's me.
(bell dings)
It's about time we
got a celebrity in here.
We have to put your
picture up on the wall.
Would you mind giving us an autograph?
Of course not.
Okay, we'll do that later.
Now, back to the matter at hand.
Emily, answer the question.
Which question?
His question.
Why'd I join the mafia if
I'm squeamish about blood?
Because becoming a
criminal is my life goal.
Okay, so why do you
want to become a criminal?
Is this really relevant, sir?
Yes, yes, of course it is.
Why, Emily?
I don't know, I just
admire that criminals
do whatever they want
and answer to nobody.
You admire how criminals act,
not the criminal acts themselves.
I never thought about
it that way. You're right.
Which means that everything
I've just done is a complete...
Ally, I'm so sorry. I was so stupid and
- Idiotic.
- Yes.
And stubborn.
I suppose so.
- And an asshole!
- Ally!
Don't curse in front of the mafia.
I'm sorry, dad. I forgive you, Emily.
Still friends?
Of course. Friends.
Friendship's so beautiful.
Rony, what does Emily
do now that she knows
she only admires one
aspect of being a criminal?
Well, I think Emily should
stop working for other people.
Become an entrepreneur immediately.
You're so right.
Well, I guess this was a
big misunderstanding, then.
You don't really want to
be part of this family,
do you, Emily?
No, sir.
Your story has moved me.
I will let you four go, on
condition that you tell no one
of this encounter, and Mr. Rony sends me
an autographed copy of his book.
Bueno?
- Bueno.
Ike, untie them.
We can't! She abandoned me!
She knows all of our secrets!
Ike, are you disobeying me?
Only for your own good!
I don't want you to appear weak.
Weak? Weak?
You son of a bitch! You doubt my strength?
They need to die!
Son, put the gun down.
Yeah, don't be stupid.
Shut up! They die now.
(tense guitar music)
(Ike screams)
You stabbed me with a
pencil, Emily! What the
Idiot!
(dramatic guitar music)
Don't forget my signed copy!
- I won't.
Well, we still need to eat.
You guys want to join us?
(upbeat guitar music)
Thank you for hosting us.
No problem, Mr. Tobbins.
Well, your hospitality's
greatly appreciated,
and I hope you know what an
amazing daughter you have.
I mean, she almost got us killed,
but she was a very good
influence on my daughter.
And you should be proud of
the way she handled herself.
- I am.
- Good.
So Emily, what do think you'll do next?
I have no idea,
but I do know that I'm not
cut out to be a criminal.
(all laugh)
(dramatic guitar music)
Emily, I can't hold it in any longer.
You have no real purpose, no direction,
no drive, no passion.
By this time, I expected you to figure out
what the fuck you were gonna do.
Even if I have to drill it in your head,
you will figure out what
you're gonna do with your life.
On this day, your birthday,
it changes for you, my daughter.
This is the day you grow up
and seize life for what it really is.
I bought this for you.
This book holds the key
to finding your passion.
This book's helped me through
some really tough times,
so I definitely think it can help you
become less of a loser.
Here, happy birthday.
Can I blow out my candles now?
(chair creaking)
(dramatic guitar music)
(coffee machine gurgling)
(phone ringing)
Emily's house.
Emily.
What time are you coming in today?
Same time I always get there.
(laughs) Always with the one liners.
So what time?
3:15.
Okay. Remember, have
a smile on that face.
The parents are always watching.
(phone rings)
Hello?
Isn't it your birthday today?
Yeah.
Nice.
Turning 21 finally, huh?
Nope, just 20.
Oh. Bummer.
Weird.
[Charlie] Emily.
Good morning, Charlie.
Same to you, neighbor.
So how's everything at school?
I graduated, remember?
Oh, well then, how are things at work?
The same.
- Boyfriend?
- Nope.
- Girlfriend?
- Also no.
Well, I heard it was your
birthday. Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
- 21 finally?
No, just 20. And I'm
sorry, but I got to go.
Oh, well before you go,
I baked this cherry pie.
Would you like some?
No thanks, Charlie. Bye.
(sighs) Okay, you're awesome.
You've got a great job,
you get to work with kids,
and you get to tell people what to do.
(somber guitar music)
Hi, Connie.
- You are disgusting.
You're a bad instructor.
I like Willy better than you.
- Amelia, hey.
- Hi, Willy.
Ow. I think I just
got kicked in the face.
How could you let him
get kicked in the face?
Look, I didn't mean
to kick him in the face.
Why can't you be more like Willy?
Emily, how's it going?
Stop looking at me like that.
Ow.
You're an idiot.
You suck.
Emily, my office!
What's your job, Emily?
To teach karate.
Okay. But what's your other job?
To recruit new students.
Sure, but what's your other other job?
I don't know, why
don't you just tell me?
That's not how...
Okay, I'll tell you.
You are responsible for cleaning, right?
Yep.
And that includes the toilets, right?
Yeah.
So then why did I find this rubber duck
stuffed down the toilet?
I don't know, that
must have just happened!
I expect 100% efficiency, no excuses.
If you can't do that, then
I'll just have to let you go.
You'd fire me because of a rubber duck?
I'd fire you 'cause you
didn't get the job done.
Well maybe if Willy just
helped me out a little bit.
Willy has a disability.
He's colorblind!
Don't take your anger
out on Willy, okay?
Got it.
Now take the rest of
the day off, unpaid.
(Emily sighs)
- Bye, Emily.
- Bye, Willy.
God, I love that girl.
She's the best.
(tense guitar music)
Success doesn't find you,
you have to go out and get it.
But first, you need to know your why.
Why do you want to accomplish your goals?
Once you know your why,
you can start focusing
on actually accomplishing things,
and then you're one step
closing to answering
those two important questions.
What do you want, and how do you get it?
It's not gonna be easy, but
persistence breaks resistance.
You can't let people tell you
what you can and cannot do.
You are
(exciting music)
[Narrator] Does a killer
stalk suburban South Florida?
Learn tonight. Killer in the suburbs.
(tense western music)
(gun fires)
(gun fires)
I bet he never has to
worry about getting fired.
(tense guitar music)
Freeze.
(gun clicking)
You'll never take me alive.
(paper rustling)
No, I'm not that desperate.
(upbeat guitar music)
[Rony] Hi, my name is Rony Tobbins,
and this is my book, "Unleash
Your Limitless Mediocrity".
If you're reading this book,
there are only two questions
you need to answer.
What do you want and how do you get it?
Get out a notebook and
write these questions down.
Now!
(pencil scratching)
(chalk scraping)
Hey Emily, what are you drawing?
Just some bad guys.
What kind of bad guys?
Just some criminals, I guess.
Criminals?
Yeah, I want to be like them one day.
You want to be like a criminal?
Okay, well, whatever you are in life,
you just try your best to
be the best at it, okay?
[Emily] Mom!
Emily, have you drawing
in the street again?
This one's pretty good,
but you know I don't like
you drawing in the street 'cause
you could get hit by a car.
(car thuds and screeches)
Mommy?
(pencil scratching)
(dramatic guitar music)
Is that really what you want?
Well?
You're Rony Tobbins.
Yes.
- That's not possible.
- Of course it is.
Anything's possible if
you work hard enough.
And personally,
I think you'd be wasting
your potential, Emily.
How would you know?
I know everything about you.
Okay. Then why are you here?
To do this.
Ow! You can't do that!
Ow! Why?
Because you need to get it together.
You need to take your goal and go after it
with confidence and vigor.
But I don't have a goal.
That was just a hypothetical exercise.
I can't just up and become a criminal.
Yes you can. Don't you see?
That's your problem. You
need to believe in yourself.
And with my help, you
can accomplish anything.
Okay, but I'm not even
sure being a criminal
is something I really want.
It's just a fantasy.
What do you like about criminals?
They're free. They
do whatever they want.
- Do you want to be free?
- Yeah.
Say it, say it. I want to be free.
I want to be free.
Do you want to become a criminal?
Maybe.
No, you need to give me a solid answer.
You know why you want to
become a criminal, right?
Why do you want it?
- To be free.
So do you want to become a criminal?
- Yes.
- Then say it.
I want to be a criminal.
With vigor. Again.
I want to be a criminal!
Again!
I want to be a criminal!
(Emily's voice echoing)
Excellent.
So now what?
Well, if you want to become a criminal,
then you should start by looking the part.
(tense guitar music)
So, what do you think?
Maybe a hat.
There we go.
What now?
Now you need to find a
mentor, an expert criminal.
Where are we gonna
find someone like that?
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Of course it is.
We don't even know if there
are any criminals in here.
Emily, success doesn't find you.
You have to go out and get it.
No point arguing, I guess.
(tense guitar music)
Hello. Is anyone in here a criminal?
I am.
That was easy.
So, you're a criminal?
Yeah.
What's the worst crime
you've ever committed?
Well, I robbed a convenience store once.
What'd you take?
Just some Pop-Tarts.
No way! You did that?
Yeah, it wasn't that big of a deal.
Not a big deal? I can't
even imagine doing that.
I can show you, if you want.
(upbeat guitar music)
Okay, so what's the plan?
All right, so you go
in, steal the Pop-Tart,
meet me out front here,
and then we take off.
Okay, but how do I steal the Pop-Tart?
[Ally] Just take it
when no one's looking.
Oh, and don't make eye
contact on the way out.
- No eye contact?
- Never.
Making eye contact makes you
stand out in someone's memory.
What you need to do is
to be like a chameleon.
Like a chameleon, invisible,
merely a leaf in the winds.
Sure. You ready?
Yeah.
(bell rings)
(bags rustling)
How're you doing?
Good, thanks.
Let me know if you need anything.
(tense guitar music)
Have a nice day.
- Thank you.
(clerk sneezes)
Bless you.
You bought it?
Yeah, but it was
cheaper than I expected.
I mean, you're hopeless!
If you can't even do
this, I can't help you.
What are you doing?
She'll make a great mentor.
- But she
Go after her. Go.
Wait! Wait, I promise
I can do it, please.
Just give me another chance.
Fine, but you got to
promise me one thing.
What?
You got to lose the hat.
(upbeat guitar music)
Two root beers, please.
So.
- So.
You really want to be a criminal.
- Yeah.
- Why?
Well, it's kind of hard to explain.
Try.
Okay, well, I just
kind of always wanted to.
That's a terrible explanation.
Yeah, I know.
Well, what kind of criminal
do you want to become?
That's the problem.
All right, why don't you write down
all the different types that you know
and we'll go from there?
That is a great idea!
Oh, thank you.
Can I have a straw with mine? Thank you.
Here.
Okay, robber, arsonist,
insurance scammer, drug dealer, and...
Really? Serial killer?
Hey, you never know.
Whatever, either way, we
can try some of those out
and if you don't like them,
then you cross it off the list.
Like, we tried robbery
already, so cross that off.
Well, I wouldn't mind trying again.
You want to rob another
convenience store?
Maybe something bigger, like a house.
Okay, well, we can work up to that,
but why don't we start
with the smaller stuff?
Like what?
(melancholy guitar music)
Just drop it and walk away.
I don't know how I
feel about this, Ally.
All you have to do is
leave it on the ground!
What if somebody sees us?
They won't care!
What about the sea turtles?
- Just drop the bottle.
- Okay.
(upbeat guitar music)
(bottles clattering)
Sorry, Ally. Guess I can't miss.
Ugh!
(melancholy guitar music)
All right, now this is
much harder to screw up.
All you have to do is cross the road.
Okay, but the crosswalk
is right over there.
Crossing at the crosswalk
isn't a crime, Emily.
But what if a car hits us?
Then we'll die criminals, okay?
We're gonna go in three, two, one.
(car thumping and screeching)
Nope.
(upbeat guitar music)
You can do this, just park the car.
What if an actually
disabled person comes?
That won't happen. You can do this.
Okay, I can do this. I can do this.
I did it!
- You did it!
Oh my god, finally!
- I know!
At first I was like, can
I do this? Can I do this?
And then I just did it!
- So amazing.
Ally!
What do I do?
- Go! Get out of here!
Oh my god, did you see his eyes?
They were judging us so harshly.
That might have been the worst thing
that I've ever done in my entire life.
Oh yeah, that was terrible.
It was almost criminal.
You really think so?
I really do.
In fact, I think it's time we
move on to some bigger things.
It's time for me to
introduce you to some people.
- Really?
- Yeah. Come on.
(Jackie chewing)
Who the fuck is this?
I'm Emily, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Now,
why the fuck are you here?
Um, I want in on your next score.
What? You said you wanted some help.
I asked for your help, not
some asshole I don't know.
No offense.
- None taken.
Like, what the fuck?
Well, you can still have my help,
but only if you let her in on it.
Fine. Follow me.
(door creaking)
So, what's the plan?
I'll tell you on the way. Hold this.
Um, are these water guns?
Shut up.
(upbeat guitar music)
Are you sure this is
the best house to rob?
I told you, I've had this
house scoped out for months.
This girl's got some serious cash.
But doesn't it make more sense
to do it when no one's home?
Well technically, Emily,
it wouldn't be a robbery
if no one was home.
It would be a burglary.
Who cares, Ally? This
is the easiest way.
Break in, threaten to kill the
owner and all her relatives,
she tells us where to find the money,
bing bang boom, successful robbery.
Is this how you always do it?
Yeah, sure, I mean,
technically speaking, the
other times nobody was home,
but it can't be too different.
We ready?
I guess.
(doors opening)
Wait, what are you doing?
We got to make sure she's home first,
or the plan's no good.
(door knocking)
Get out of my property!
We're good, she's home.
But we haven't even told
you why we're here yet.
I don't know you, so I don't care.
But what if we're having an emergency?
I don't know you, so I don't care.
- But-
- Listen,
I have a shotgun and I
have a guard dog, so leave!
Leave!
(door slams)
Well, guess that's over.
What? Hell no.
We're just gonna go
through the window is all.
But what about the
shotgun and the guard dog?
That's all BS, man.
No one's ever serious about that stuff.
Is it really BS?
I guess we'll see.
(tense guitar music)
[All] Don't move, this is a robbery!
I could say the same to you!
You mean you're robbing us?
Wait, what?
She means that she could
tell us not to move too
since she has the shotgun!
- Oh, that makes sense.
- Shut up!
Listen, just tell us where the cash is
and we'll be on our way.
Who told you about that?
Doesn't matter!
Give us the cash or we'll
blow your brains out!
Yeah, we'll blow your brains out.
What? Is that a water gun?
(gun squirting)
Guys, wait!
(vase clinking)
- Where's Emily?
- I thought she was with you.
Oh, there she is.
(gun cocking)
(both gasp)
(gun firing)
Come on! Come on, Emily!
Go, go go go.
(gun firing)
Shit, shit, I can't
believe she had a shotgun!
What the hell am I going to tell them?
What are you talking about?
We failed! I don't just do this for fun!
I was hired to do this,
and the guys that hired me
don't take failure very well.
Okay, well, lucky for
you, we didn't fail.
When on Earth did you grab that?
Who cares? We did it!
I love you guys.
Wow, you really saved me there, Emily.
I don't even know how to thank you.
How about I introduce you
to the guys that hired me for this?
They're some real criminals.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I mean, she's better off
sticking with the small stuff.
Yeah, I'm better off
sticking with the small stuff.
Really? You sure?
Okay, well, if you change
your mind, here's my number.
I really owe you one.
Okay.
(door shuts)
Hey, um, so are you cool
sticking with the small stuff?
It got kind of dangerous.
Yeah, but you know we can't grow
if we don't take risks, right?
Ugh, you sound just like my dad.
Well, maybe he has a point.
Emily, the guys that Jackie
work for are dangerous.
Promise me that you
won't meet up with them.
Okay, I promise. See you tomorrow?
But Emily, I'm serious about this.
Okay, I won't. Stop worrying.
I freaking robbed somebody.
I could go to jail. This is incredible!
Congratulations.
But what the hell was with Ally tonight?
I don't know. I guess
she's just worried about me.
It's kind of sweet, really.
Sweet? Does sweet help you
accomplish this goal, Emily?
- No, but-
- Listen.
I think it might be
time to cut Ally loose.
I don't think I'm ready to do that.
Fine, keep Ally, but
at least text Jackie.
Get introduced to some more people.
I don't know, Ally
doesn't seem to think that
Emily, what did you tell Ally earlier?
We can't grow if we don't take risks.
Do you want to grow?
To find your passion,
accomplish your goals?
- Yeah.
- Call Jackie.
Hey Jackie, it's Emily.
(upbeat guitar music)
You've gotten really good at littering.
Yeah, it's become one of
my more favorite crimes.
Jaywalking's still a no, though.
So you still have no idea
what kind of criminal you want to become?
Nope, but I know I
really want to become one.
I know I asked you this
already, but, like, why?
Well, like, why are you even helping me?
I don't know.
I just like being around you, I guess.
Oh.
Hey, do you still work for that guy?
Yeah.
Good. I know just what we need to do.
(door opening)
Mother
(both laughing)
Oh my god, that was amazing!
I can't even imagine his face.
I know, right? That was good.
(dramatic guitar music)
Here it is, here's the money.
[Don Alfredo] Well done.
There's your cut. You did bueno.
Now, leave.
Thank you, sir, but I have
one more thing to discuss.
[Don Alfredo] What?
A buddy of mine helped me
out on the job and, anyways,
I thought you might be interested.
[Don Alfredo] Is she with the FBI?
No, definitely not.
[Don Alfredo] She helped with the job?
Yeah.
[Don Alfredo] Very well.
Calvin and Ike will evaluate her
and then maybe bring her to meet me.
I have been talking about
expansion, haven't I boys?
[Both] Yes, sir.
No, that's wrong.
It's like this. Hee-ya!
That's, like, exactly what I did.
Ally, this is a complex move.
A direct hit like this
will stop a man's heart,
so the little nuances matter a lot.
Now, try again.
(phone dings)
No, that's...
That's what?
Oh, that's better.
Um, you can keep practicing
if you want, but I got to go.
What? Where are you going?
Oh, you know.
No, I don't know.
(door knocking)
Jackie?
I'm here.
Where are they?
- We're right here, Emily.
Oh, hi.
Hey, Jackie.
Hey, Emily. Sorry about this.
It's okay, as long
as he doesn't kill me.
You're not gonna kill me, right?
That depends. Why did
you want to meet us?
Well, I didn't really
want to meet you guys,
but Jackie thought it'd be good for me,
so here I am.
Wait, why would meeting
us be good for you?
I recently quit my job
and decided to pursue
a life in crime, but I
haven't had much luck
in making a living out of it yet.
So you're in it for the
money. That seems good enough.
I guess we can test you out.
Thanks.
Hold your thanks.
I'm still not convinced
you'll be good for us.
If you can last three
minutes with Big Cal,
then maybe I'll introduce you to the boss.
Sounds good?
I guess.
I'm Emily.
I'm Calvin.
Okay, fight starts in three
Wait, can't we do this outside?
No. Okay, three, two
Wait wait wait, legally
I'm required to tell you
that I'm a 3rd degree
black belt in karate.
- Okay, three, two-
- Wait!
Are you really a black belt?
- Yeah.
That's really cool, because
Shut up!
Any more interruptions? No?
Okay, three, two, one, fight!
(tense guitar music)
(Calvin shouting)
(Calvin grunts)
(cat meowing)
It still counts, right?
I guess so.
(melancholy guitar music)
Damn, you really knocked me out, girl.
Yep.
That's weird, I don't remember
throwing the first punch.
It must've been a good fight, though.
You slipped and fell, Calvin.
It's more like a "Peanuts"
episode than a fight.
And you're a...
Good fight, kid.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
(door shuts)
[Don Alfredo] Take a seat.
So, what's your name?
Emily.
You look young, Emily. How old are you?
- 20.
- That is young.
Your friend Jackie says you
might be of use to my family.
Do you agree?
Well, I don't have much
experience being a criminal,
but I'm a really fast learner.
[Don Alfredo] So why would
you want even to learn?
Well, because my dream
is to become a criminal.
What?
I want to become a
criminal. It's my life goal.
So you're not in this for the money?
Money.
I mean, money's nice, but
I'm really just looking
for more experience under my belt.
What about power?
You want power?
Power. I mean, power's nice.
Okay.
So, are you gonna accept me, or?
I will allow you to join the family,
but you need to know,
this is not a small
thing you're agreeing to.
If you betray me, I will hunt you down.
You, your friends, and your family.
Is that acceptable?
Yeah.
Bueno. Go see Ike and
he'll get you all set up.
Yes, sir!
Oh, do I get a uniform?
No. Get out.
Okay.
Thanks!
(dramatic guitar music)
You what?
I got a new job.
You quit your job as a teacher to what?
Become a waiter?
In a nutshell, yes.
And you chose to do
this? You weren't fired?
I wasn't fired.
You want to work in a restaurant?
I want to work in a restaurant.
- A restaurant.
- A restaurant.
Fine, if that's what you want.
But don't half-ass it. I expect 100%.
Okay, dad.
I don't see why you have to
tell him what you're doing.
He's my dad, I have to tell him.
You haven't told him
you joined the mafia.
That's a different story.
Whatever. So when are
you gonna tell Ally?
Tell Ally what?
That you joined the mafia.
You think I should tell her?
Yeah, I probably should.
(apple crunching)
(melancholy guitar music)
I really think that spray paint
would be much more effective.
Spray paint can be traced
back to us. Chalk can't.
Real graffiti artists use spray paint.
I don't really think we could
call this art, Ally, do you?
Yeah, probably not.
Ally, I have to tell you something.
Oh no, don't tell me
you're in love with me or
No.
- Are you pregnant?
- No!
My god, you killed someone, didn't you?
No.
I just wanted to tell
you that I joined the...
The workforce.
- As what?
- A waiter.
Is that a big deal?
No, I just, um, I won't
be able to see you as much.
Oh. Okay.
It's official, you're an idiot.
Shut up.
Fine, but don't blame me
when everything goes to shit.
I don't like Ally as your mentor anymore,
but she deserves to know what's going on.
I'm gonna tell her.
Sure you are.
Good morning, neighbor!
Where are you off to so early?
New job.
Wow, good for you.
Here, why don't you take
some cherry pie to celebrate?
It's fresh from the oven.
Maybe next time. Bye.
(melancholy guitar music)
Hello?
[All] Surprise!
Welcome to the family.
Oh my god!
Welcome to the family,
Emily. Make a wish.
Awesome, now what?
Now we party! Break open the beer, boys.
Wait, I'm 20, not 21.
We're criminals, Emily! Who cares?
Let's party!
Yeah!
(all cheer)
(cheerful guitar music)
And that's when I knew I
wanted to become a criminal.
Wow, that is so inspiring
that you're following
your dreams like that.
And to think some people warned me
not to join up with you guys.
This is everything I ever dreamed of,
to do whatever I want, whenever I want.
It is not easy. This is
some dangerous kind of work.
To think Ally would
try to keep me from this.
How dare she?
It's like Rony Tobbins always said,
never let anyone get in
the way of your dreams.
I won't let her do it.
I won't let her stop me.
In fact, I'm calling her up right now.
(phone buzzes)
Ally!
Emily. How was your
first day of waiting?
It was (hiccups) awesome.
Are you drunk?
No. Anyway, I have
to tell you something.
I...
I've joined the mafia.
What? Are you
But guess what? They're not
as bad as you said they are.
They threw me a party and gave me beer.
Is the beer all it took to win you over?
No. They also had whiskey.
Anyways, I was just calling
to tell you how wrong you are.
Great. Thanks for letting me know.
You're welcome.
And while you're at it,
why don't you delete
me from your contacts?
Okay. You sound mad.
Mad? No.
You just ignored all the
advice that I gave you
and went and did the exact opposite!
But I was just
You promised me that
you wouldn't do this.
That's not fair.
Have fun with your new friends,
because you just lost this one.
I think I messed up.
Yep.
Deal with it tomorrow.
(both laugh)
(Ally weeping)
[Ally's Father] Are you okay, sweetie?
[Ike] Hey.
Hey, Emily.
Wake up.
What?
It's time for work.
Oh.
(upbeat music)
Why are you standing there?
Stop talking and get to work.
Take out the trash, and
by the trash, I mean you.
You're an idiot.
Stop slacking.
Your face makes me sick.
I don't think you belong here.
Yo, Emily, where's my knife?
You make me sick.
Why do you look so stupid?
Your shoes make me sick.
Did they really pick
you to be in the mafia?
Never mind, I got it.
You look so ugly today.
I thought you wanted to join the family.
You're like an extended
cousin at this point.
Go with Calvin! Teach that guy a lesson!
What?
Go with Calvin.
Teach that guy a lesson.
Yes, sir.
(gun cocks)
Please, please, I didn't
mean it, it was just a joke.
Please, I already told you, it was a joke.
You ought to be grateful
that they sent me and not the others.
Get out of here.
What?
I thought we were gonna beat him up.
Well, we were supposed to kill him,
but that's between you and I.
(dramatic guitar music)
So, gun exchange.
Yep.
Anything I should know beforehand?
Nope. Just do whatever we do.
Gotcha.
We're here.
Shouldn't he take the
keys out of the ignition?
No, girl.
First rule of gun exchange
is to keep the car running
in case you need to make a quick escape.
But you waste so much gas.
Girl, just get out of the car!
Okay.
(doors opening)
Emily, you stay in the back!
Want a Twizzler?
No thanks.
Man, I'm surprised the
Russians ain't here yet.
They're usually more punctual.
Yep, normally they are.
Not to get emotional, Calvin,
but I really enjoy working with you.
I knew you had a soft heart in there!
Come here, homie.
I like working with you too, man. Yes!
I'm sorry, man.
(melancholy guitar music)
(gun fires)
(Emily gasps)
(body thudding)
You know what, Emily?
This is what happens
when you disobey orders.
Now, take care of it.
Okay.
What are you waiting
for? Chop up that body.
What?
Oh, duh, I forgot to put the tarp down.
(tarp rustling)
There you go. Now get chopping.
Sure.
Come on, I put the
tarp down and everything.
You do want to be part of the team, right?
Of course! I just, uh
Just what?
I just get stage fright.
I can't chop up a body
with someone watching me.
Oh, I got you,
I was the same way when
I first got started.
I'm gonna be over there,
I got to piss anyways.
I'm sorry, Calvin.
(Ike sighs)
So Emily, are we ready?
Mother
What did I do?
Okay, it's not as bad as I think it is.
(melancholy guitar music)
Hey, neighbor.
Oh, how's it going, Charlie?
I'm doing well, thanks. How are you?
Not so good.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah.
Well, I just got done
baking this cherry pie
if you want it.
Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.
(melancholy guitar music)
Well, actually, that looks kind of good.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Splendid.
(melancholy guitar music)
I'll hunt you down.
You, your friends, and your family.
I expect 100%.
No excuses.
I thought you wanted to join the family.
- I'll hunt you down.
- I expect 100%.
- No excuses.
- You, your friends.
I thought you wanted to join the family.
[Don Alfredo] Your family.
(Emily whimpers)
(metal scraping)
Oh, welcome back.
Nice to see you finally tried the pie.
I had just about given up on you, too.
You're confused.
Mm-hm.
I think I can help.
You see, some people are
addicted to painkillers,
or cocaine, or food.
Me, I'm addicted to feeding
people drug infused pies
and killing them.
(Emily whimpers)
Yeah, that's the pie that I gave to you,
which is laced with chemicals.
And the other, I eat as I watch you die.
It's my little treat.
Anyways, I'm only telling
you this as a courtesy.
You've been a good neighbor
to me for the past five years.
Any last request?
(Emily whimpers)
Here, let me.
Can I try some of the other pie?
- Some of mine?
- Yeah.
I guess.
Hm.
What?
Yeah, this is not as good
as the other one you made for me.
Excuse me?
Yeah, the other one you
made was so much better.
- They taste the same!
- No they don't.
Have you ever tried any?
- No, but-
- Then you can't argue.
Fine, I'll prove it to you.
Yeah, it tastes exactly the same.
The chemicals don't even add any...
Oh, shit.
Child's play.
(chair thumping)
(ax clattering)
Yeah, definitely not for me.
(door opening)
Thanks, neighbor.
(engine starting)
(phone buzzing)
Emily, I didn't think you'd
be dumb enough to answer.
Well, obviously you were wrong.
Apparently.
So, what is this call in reference to?
Oh, I just thought I could
give you a little heads up.
Abandoning me is the same as
declaring war on the family.
I'm coming after your father
and your little girlfriend Ally.
See you soon, Emily.
What do I do?
Take your goal and crush it.
How does that apply to this situation?
I don't know, I'm you.
I know what you know.
What do you think you should do?
I don't know.
Wait, what was that thing
that you said to me earlier?
Persistence breaks resistance?
No.
Actions speak louder than words.
No.
Know your numbers, grow your numbers.
No! It's not like math is
gonna help us solve this.
Success doesn't find you,
you have to go out and get it.
That's it!
If I want to protect them,
I have to go and get them.
Dad? Hey, do you want to go to dinner?
Okay, I'll come get you.
Wait out front, okay?
Emily, I might be going senile,
but this does not look like a restaurant.
I'm just picking up a dinner guest, dad.
I'll be right back, but you
stay here, okay? Please?
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Wait, what if they're here already?
Then we're screwed.
Shouldn't you have a weapon?
I should, but I don't.
Then go get a knife or something.
Does it look like I have
time to go get a knife?
My daughter is going insane.
Do you have anything?
You're in my head, you know what I have.
Hey, don't get snappy.
Just trying to help.
I mean, it could work.
It's sharp.
In theory, with enough
pressure, it could kill.
I think you've seen "The Dark
Knight" one too many times.
It's the only thing we have.
You should go to the
store and buy a knife.
Nah, too risky. I'll go with the pencil.
(door opens)
Be back in a jiffy, dad.
All right, Em.
(door shuts)
Yep, definitely a psycho.
What if they're here
already and this is a trap?
Good point, you should
sneak around the back.
Well, after you.
Is that one of them?
I don't know.
[Emily] Don't move,
or I stick this all the
way through your neck.
Okay.
Is that a pencil?
That doesn't matter.
Keep your voice down.
Okay, but before you stab
me to death with a pencil,
can I put the remote down?
Yeah.
Okay, what do you want?
Money? Advice? What is it?
I want to know what
you've done with Ally.
What have done with Ally?
What the hell are you talking about?
Turn around.
(dramatic guitar music)
Oh, this is strange.
I don't like this.
Oh my gosh, it's you. You're real?
Of course I'm real,
what else would I be?
You live in the suburbs?
Yes.
Hey dad, where's my...
Dad? Rony Tobbins is your dad?
Yeah, what are you doing here?
Right. I messed up.
I have to get you guys
out of here right now.
(door knocking)
Are we expecting someone?
I don't think so.
You know, you should lock your door.
You never know who could show up.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Ike. These are my goons.
Say hi, goons.
- Hi.
Now stay quiet and nobody will get hurt.
You do realize I know where
your secret base is, right?
Yes, but this is an intimidation thing,
and you would know that
if you had just done
what I told you to do.
I could have taught you so much.
Hello, it's a pleasure
to have so many people
at my place of work.
I've gathered you here because
Emily!
What's going on and why are we here?
I was wondering the same thing.
Are you...
I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself.
Rony Tobbins, nice meeting
you. You're Emily's dad?
Yeah, I'm Roger.
Okay, now that we've
finished introductions,
as I was saying, I've
gathered you here because
How did you know my name?
Oh, Ally told me she had a falling out
with a new friend named Emily.
I assumed it was you.
So you talk about me.
Don't let it go to your head.
- Okay, I won't.
- Shut up!
You have been gathered here to die,
because this idiot
(bell dings)
Abandoned her post and lied to me.
What post? You mean her waiting job?
It's not a waiting job,
she joined the mafia.
The mafia?
Yes, but I'm obviously
no longer a member.
(laughs) Definitely not.
Before I slaughter four people,
I like to be sure I'm
doing the right thing.
Emily, I'm going to ask
you a few questions.
If I don't like your answers,
then I will kill you,
your friends, and your family
one by one,
and then I finish with you.
Understand?
I guess.
So why did you abandon Ike?
Yeah, why did you abandon me?
Because blood makes me
squeamish, and I liked Calvin.
So you decide to betray
the family and leave?
(Rony clears throat)
Actually, if I could interrupt
Dad, don't.
This is what I do for a living, Ally.
What?
Well, I think a better
question for Emily would be,
why did she join the
mafia in the first place
if she's squeamish about blood?
That's a better question.
Wait, there's something about you.
I know, you're that
motivational guy, Rony Tobbins.
Yep, that's me.
(bell dings)
It's about time we
got a celebrity in here.
We have to put your
picture up on the wall.
Would you mind giving us an autograph?
Of course not.
Okay, we'll do that later.
Now, back to the matter at hand.
Emily, answer the question.
Which question?
His question.
Why'd I join the mafia if
I'm squeamish about blood?
Because becoming a
criminal is my life goal.
Okay, so why do you
want to become a criminal?
Is this really relevant, sir?
Yes, yes, of course it is.
Why, Emily?
I don't know, I just
admire that criminals
do whatever they want
and answer to nobody.
You admire how criminals act,
not the criminal acts themselves.
I never thought about
it that way. You're right.
Which means that everything
I've just done is a complete...
Ally, I'm so sorry. I was so stupid and
- Idiotic.
- Yes.
And stubborn.
I suppose so.
- And an asshole!
- Ally!
Don't curse in front of the mafia.
I'm sorry, dad. I forgive you, Emily.
Still friends?
Of course. Friends.
Friendship's so beautiful.
Rony, what does Emily
do now that she knows
she only admires one
aspect of being a criminal?
Well, I think Emily should
stop working for other people.
Become an entrepreneur immediately.
You're so right.
Well, I guess this was a
big misunderstanding, then.
You don't really want to
be part of this family,
do you, Emily?
No, sir.
Your story has moved me.
I will let you four go, on
condition that you tell no one
of this encounter, and Mr. Rony sends me
an autographed copy of his book.
Bueno?
- Bueno.
Ike, untie them.
We can't! She abandoned me!
She knows all of our secrets!
Ike, are you disobeying me?
Only for your own good!
I don't want you to appear weak.
Weak? Weak?
You son of a bitch! You doubt my strength?
They need to die!
Son, put the gun down.
Yeah, don't be stupid.
Shut up! They die now.
(tense guitar music)
(Ike screams)
You stabbed me with a
pencil, Emily! What the
Idiot!
(dramatic guitar music)
Don't forget my signed copy!
- I won't.
Well, we still need to eat.
You guys want to join us?
(upbeat guitar music)
Thank you for hosting us.
No problem, Mr. Tobbins.
Well, your hospitality's
greatly appreciated,
and I hope you know what an
amazing daughter you have.
I mean, she almost got us killed,
but she was a very good
influence on my daughter.
And you should be proud of
the way she handled herself.
- I am.
- Good.
So Emily, what do think you'll do next?
I have no idea,
but I do know that I'm not
cut out to be a criminal.
(all laugh)
(dramatic guitar music)