I Was Monty's Double (1958) Movie Script

As you pass by.
Here you are, sir.
All right, lads.
So long, guv.
Will all Signals personnel
arriving on the 8:22 from Taunton
report to the RTO for onward routing.
Will all Signals personnel arriving
on the 8:22 from Taunton
report to the RTO for onward routing.
Left, right, left, right.
Hurry up at the back there!
Pick 'em up!
Consolidated Industries.
Good morning.
Personal manager, Export, please.
What is your enquiry, sir?
- I have an insurance problem.
- One moment, sir.
Putting you through.
Harvey, been expecting you
since last night.
The ferry boat was late.
Look, I'm going to be a bit longer.
I've got a character tailing me.
Yes, well, don't worry about him.
He's a new boy just learning the trade.
- What?
- He picked you up as soon as you landed.
So don't hang around anymore.
Drafty places, stations.
This is going to cost you
a very large drink.
Drinks are rationed.
There's a war on, you know.
Oh, sorry. Must have
tripped over your cloak.
Well, how about this for a...
What? Oh.
I had run out, as a matter of fact.
Well, you can't say I don't
think about you while I'm away.
Expected you last night.
Don't overdo the welcome home, will you?
It embarrasses me.
What was the idea of having me tailed?
Oh, just policy. Wanted to make sure
that you came straight here.
I see.
- Uh, where's Peggy, by the way?
- Who?
Peggy, you know, the one
who was out there before I left.
- Wore seamless legs.
- Oh, her.
Yes, well...
I don't keep track of them.
We've had about four since she went.
You mean, she's gone?
Now listen, we had a deal, remember?
You said you'd keep her.
She had some sort of reason for
wanting to go. Can't remember what.
- Sounded valid enough at the time.
- Yes, but where to?
I had some unfinished business there.
I want to make the most of this leave.
Oh. That's cancelled.
- What is?
- Your leave.
Now listen, I know
you're the Colonel and all that,
but I've got it due to me,
it's on the cards.
Yes, I know, but it's still cancelled.
- Filthy taste these things.
- What do you mean, cancelled?
Just that. I need you here.
Oh, I see.
Well, why didn't you say so before?
Of course, that makes all the difference.
You need me here.
Now listen, don't give me the mystery
routine. I've just had a bellyful of that.
No mystery. They tell me, I pass the buck.
Is this on the level?
Well, I'm not doing another drop,
that's for sure.
- Nobody said you were.
- Well, I'm just telling you.
Well, this one calls for brains,
not a parachute.
You weren't the obvious choice,
of course.
No, no, of course.
As you know, I like to surround myself
with lesser talents.
You basket!
I'm glad you're back in one piece.
One of these days,
I'm going to try my hand at that.
- Try what?
- I've always fancied myself as an author.
You should see
the uncensored version in the men's room.
Mm. It's nearer than most
of our anonymous friends think.
How near?
I see.
Is this new job connected with it,
directly, I mean?
I'll tell you how directly.
Invasion without tears.
There we are and there,
in due course, we undoubtedly go.
As everyone expects us to.
Now, the question is, can we persuade
the Germans that we might,
just might, do something different?
Here. No.
Here. Bloody fools if we did.
Here. Possibility. Could be.
Could mount an invasion
from North Africa, agreed?
Mm, I suppose so.
You're supposed to say yes.
So, yes, we could, just.
Now, that's the seed of suspicion.
Has to be planted in Berlin.
Well, that is the problem.
The War Cabinet gave it to Deception.
Deception, very wisely,
threw it under the table to Intelligence.
Us, to be exact.
You're not serious?
Oh, yes. Top priority.
They wanted it yesterday.
But how do you kid the Germans
where we're going? They know.
They've known for the last two years.
Oh, of course, they don't know the date,
they don't know the map reading,
but it's got to be here, or here, or here.
Course, we could go round by the Cape
and sneak up on them by the way of Tibet.
Good point.
Do you mind if I make notes?
Hey, put that light out!
All right, let's go back to the beginning.
The Germans know we're
going to invade this year, right?
- Right.
- Right.
They also know we'll go to any lengths
to conceal the actual time
- and place of the invasion, right?
- Right.
Therefore... What was I saying?
The Germans will expect us
to try to fool them.
- Who are you ringing?
- I'm trying to trace Peggy.
Now look, don't let's
go through all that again.
- Do... Do you mind?
- Hello?
Hello, Peggy?
Oh, I see. The theatre?
Do you know the name of the show?
"Khaki Kapers". Yes, sounds great.
I see. Thanks so much.
Sorry to have troubled you. Goodbye.
So, listening?
We've got two choices.
We either fool the Germans
with something so big, so real,
that it even confuses Eisenhower,
or something tiny, unimportant, trivial.
Something that might conceivably have
been overlooked in the heat of the moment.
- Something human, in fact.
- Yes, I follow you.
Well, I don't where to.
That's my contribution for the night.
I know what human problem
I'm going to solve, right now.
Good idea. I'll join you.
I feel a bit peckish myself.
With all due respect to your rank, sir,
no, you will not.
And I'll give you two good reasons.
You're too old and you're the wrong sex.
See you in the morning.
Through there, sir.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Whht! Peggy.
Wrap up, can't you?
- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything, darling.
Just a minute, ladies and gentlemen,
a very special visitor has
just arrived and would
like to say a few words to you.
- Why don't you take a powder?
- I just took one.
It's not him!
Officers only. Anyway, we're full up.
I booked in earlier - Major Harvey.
- What number?
- 528.
Harvey. Right.
Too late for a meal, of course?
Kitchen closed ten o'clock.
- No chance of a drink?
- Bar closed 10:30.
- You haven't got an evening paper?
- You have to order one.
Did you want it to read?
That was the idea.
You can borrow mine if I get it back.
Thanks. I'll take good care of it.
Not that it's worth reading.
Load of rubbish.
Believe anything, some people.
- Oh, sorry about the noise.
- Yes, so am I.
Well, aren't you going to ask me in?
- Help yourself.
- Thanks.
- What's the time?
- Oh, it's not late.
Just as well.
Don't want to die in bed, do you?
- Mind the blackout!
- Oh, sorry.
All right.
Look, I, uh...
I want to ask you a question.
Who would you say is certain to
command our land forces in the invasion?
- Where have you been tonight?
- No, no, stay with it. Who would you say?
Well, at a long shot,
I'd guess at Montgomery.
Here, don't smoke your own.
That's it, Monty.
Now, a commanding General
would have to be with his forces
on the eve of the said invasion, right?
How long is it since you had leave?
So if Monty was somewhere else,
out of the country,
in the Mediterranean, say,
just before D-Day,
what would the German reaction be?
I know what the War Office's
reaction would be.
They might think the invasion
was going in there, right?
- Possibly.
- Put it this way.
If we produce Montgomery
in the Middle East
and made sure the Germans knew about it -
you know, an open top secret -
there's a fair chance they'd buy it.
- That's a big if.
- Listen...
I, uh... I saw Monty tonight.
- You what?
- Not officially. I went to the theatre.
Monty made an appearance on the stage.
Big reaction, audience went wild.
Or at least, somebody so like Monty
that he fooled me and about 1,200 others.
- Is the penny beginning to drop?
- Give it to me again.
Look, if this character that I saw tonight
can be made to give a repeat
performance on a bigger scale...
- we might be in business.
- Who was he?
I don't know. It was an army show.
Shouldn't be too difficult to trace him.
- Who's our contact in public relations?
- Old Dick Coppard. He'll find out for us.
- Discreetly?
- He invented the word.
Well, that's it then.
We'll get on to it
first thing in the morning.
- Was it worth waking you up for?
- I hate to admit it.
On the whole, I think it was.
The big question is not so much
whether this chap
- can look the part off stage...
- Well, he's got to look it.
...but actually think it.
I mean, all you've seen him do
is to walk on stage,
face the audience and salute.
- Well, that's a start, isn't it?
- Mind the step.
Couldn't you have these things switched?
And another thing, we don't know
that he's not a raving pony.
- Oh, good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
- I mean, after all...
- Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
- Is that ours?
- What?
Hello? Yes. Extension 4-2.
Oh, good morning, Mr Coppard.
Yes, I suppose so.
They're always circulating.
- We get them from the typist pool.
- Oh, really? That's interesting.
Oh, I remembered about that other girl.
You know, uh, Peggy.
- Yes, she got married, that was it.
- Thanks very much.
A Mr Coppard just came through
with the information...
- Thank you.
- ...you wanted.
- Uh... What's your name, by the way?
- Angela, sir.
Good, good.
Nice to have you with us, Angela.
Thank you.
- Oh, Angela, uh...
- Yes, sir?
- Uh, that's all for the moment, thank you.
- Right.
Have they traced him?
- Hmm?
- Have they traced him?
Oh, yes. Um... Yes. Lieutenant
Clifton James, Pay Corps, Leicester.
Pay Corps.
Just where you'd expect
the army to put an actor.
Matthews, I'm still out
on the final balance.
- I'll run the old eye over it, sir.
- Oh, terribly good of you.
You know, it's a bit of liberty
putting you here in the first place.
I mean, you being an actor, you don't
want to be bothered with finance.
Ah, there it is, sir.
Forgot to go with that total forward.
Oh, really? Thanks a lot.
Lieutenant James here. Yes?
Oh, James,
we want you for an army film.
Could you say that again, sir?
I said we might be able to use you
in one of our army training films.
Look, I'm coming through
Leicester tomorrow.
- I thought we might have a word about it.
- Could I have your name again, sir?
- Major Harvey.
- Major Harvey.
- I'll meet you tomorrow at...
- 12:30, tomorrow.
Queen's Hotel.
Could you tell me anything
about the part, sir?
- What will you have?
- Bitter, please, sir.
- Pint of bitter, large Scotch, please.
- Single only. We're rationed, you know.
- Oh.
- I've brought along some stills.
- Stills?
- Photographs.
I didn't know what you want,
so I've brought a good selection, sir.
- Is this your sister?
- No.
I was Charley's Aunt there.
Must have just slipped in.
Yes. Yes, well,
it's a very good collection.
You always wear
the old moustache, do you?
Well, I do, but I wouldn't mind shaving it
off. I mean, if the part calls for it.
Yes. Yes, of course.
- Let's sit over here, shall we?
- Of course, sir.
I, uh... I've got some cuttings here, sir.
They're mostly provincial papers.
But I always think that
the local dramatic critics
are tougher than the West End ones.
Yes, I'm... I'm sure. Yes.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, sir.
- You don't drink much, do you?
- No, not much.
- Now, this notice might interest you.
- Ever gone on the wagon altogether?
Well, I can do. Take it or leave it.
You know, I've often wondered
whether actors need a drink.
You know, first night
and things like that.
Oh, I'm usually too sick.
You get nervous, do you?
No, no, no, not more than anybody.
Get the old butterflies, you know.
Yeah, but you're in
pretty good health as a rule.
Oh, yes, I think so, touch wood.
- Why? Do I look a bit...
- No, no, no. I just mentioned it.
Films cost a great deal of money. Tricky
if an actor goes sick in the middle.
No... No understudy, I mean.
Oh, you needn't worry about me, sir.
I've never missed a performance yet.
Oh, I realise you can't give me an answer
now, sir, but do you see me in this film?
Well, that's a little bit difficult to say
just at the moment. You see,
we haven't finalised the script yet.
Documentary, I suppose?
- Broadly speaking, yes.
- Is it...? Would it be a large part?
Yes, yes, it will be a very large part
if it turns out the way we want it to.
- Good Lord, is that the right time?
- I make it a quarter two.
Well, I must dash.
I'm only between trains really.
- It's been very nice, uh, seeing you.
- Are you going to take these, sir?
Oh, yes, yes, jolly useful. Well...
- Hope we meet again. Goodbye.
- I hope so too, sir. Goodbye, sir.
Oh, sir!
I agree about the likeness, fantastic.
Well, what now?
Assuming we get the go-ahead.
Well, the first thing would be
to have him posted to HQ staff,
so that he could study Monty
at close quarters.
And in that case, he mustn't
look like Monty or Clifton James.
- Have to disguise him in some way.
- Within reason.
It doesn't have to be plastic surgery.
Well, let's, uh, let's run through
what we've got so far.
- Is he a drunk?
- Wouldn't say so.
No, but, of course, he's bound to be
on his best behaviour with strangers.
- He smokes.
- Yeah, he'll have to cut that out.
What about his hair?
That's need fixing.
This is all supposing
he wants to play ball.
- Oh, he'll play.
- Yes.
Now, one point.
You handle the roughing up.
I want to stay in the background
for the time being.
I've got a suggestion there.
If we take the moustache off
that will help a lot.
I'll carve him up so his
own mother won't recognise him.
You stand by then
to receive progress reports.
- I'm going straight to the War Office.
- It's going take an awful lot of selling.
Don't worry about that.
It's just a question of deciding
whose head to go over.
All right, driver.
Two lumps for me, please, Angela.
Or perhaps you think
I'm sweet enough already.
You know, you're obviously a girl
who anticipates a man's needs...
I like to do my best, Major,
but unfortunately at the moment
we don't possess two teacups.
Uh, thank you, uh, Miss, uh...?
- Bearing.
- Bearing.
- Are you with us now?
- Yes, Major.
Miss Cook has taken her undoubted
talents further down the corridor.
I am what is known
as a permanent replacement.
Are you?
Yes, well, I'm sure that...
that will be very nice for all of us.
Thank you, Major.
Harvey, this isn't going to be easy.
I've bulldozed them into approving it in
principle but that doesn't mean a thing.
No, no, I've left there.
A jungle. Absolutely hopeless.
I'll have to jump a few paces,
so keep on the phone.
Oh, by the way, there's
a permanent new girl turning up.
Very efficient. She'll look after you.
Yes, well, thanks very much for...
Marvellous, Miss B! An egg too?
They're still being laid, Major,
if you know where to find them.
- Any word from the Colonel?
- Uh, no, nothing yet, no.
I expect he's laying a few himself.
Uh, Miss B, you might get on to Records,
will you, as soon they're awake
and ask for everything
they got on Montgomery.
- Photographs, biographical details...
- That's already been seen to, Major.
They're being sent round
by special messenger.
Meanwhile, here's the material
on Lieutenant James.
Oh, thank you.
- Who gave it that heading?
- I did, Major.
- Just a suggestion.
- Operation Hambone.
Mm, I like it, Miss B.
Extension 4-3.
One moment, Colonel. It's for you, sir.
Thank you.
Any joy?
You have? How did you manage it?
Well, I finally got to the right man.
Great. Look, you get yourself some sleep.
I'll take it from here.
Good boy. Goodbye.
Miss B?
- It's on the menu.
- What is?
That Hambone of yours.
Get on to the Pay Corps, Leicester.
- You sent for me, sir?
- What's the explanation, James?
The mistake was in
the transfer account, sir.
- I was checking it when you sent for me...
- What are you talking about?
I want to know how this character -
Harvey, is it?
- got in touch with you in the first place.
I won't have my officers
going behind my back.
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, sir.
I've just had a call from the Army
Kinematograph Unit, whatever that is,
asking me to grant you seven days
unofficial leave to undergo a film test.
- Now do you follow me?
- Oh, that, sir.
Coming back to you now, is it?
They did approach me
about a week ago, sir,
but I thought nothing would come of it.
Getting on a phone,
telling me how to run this place.
You know, you want to forget
you're an actor, James,
and put away the bloody motley
for the duration.
- Yes, sir.
- I don't like films, I don't like actors,
and most of all
I don't like War Office actors.
Just because you pulled a fast one doesn't
mean you're going to get away with it.
Seven days is seven days
and you'll be back on the dot.
- Otherwise, I'll throw the book at you.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you, sir.
- That's all.
Can... Can I put in
for a railway warrant, sir?
- Well, don't ask me, ask the CSM.
- Yes, sir.
I'm surprised they're not
sending a car for you.
That's usual, isn't it? With film stars.
- Would you wait in here, please?
- Thank you.
Well, we can be sure of one thing,
he's an actor, all right.
Shall I break it to him?
I suppose so.
That's the worst part
of all these schemes.
The time always comes when
someone has to be let in on the secret.
All right, go ahead.
- Hello, James.
- Oh.
- How are you?
- Fine, thank you, sir.
- Good. Come and sit down.
- Thank you.
Well, how are your old nerves?
- Oh, not too bad.
- Good.
Cos I've got some rather odd news for you.
You're not going to make that film for us.
Oh, I see.
On the other hand, we're going to
offer you just about the best part
you've ever had
or probably ever will have.
Look, before I go any further,
I, uh, I want you to read this.
It's not a contract, I'm afraid. It's
an extract from the Official Secrets Act.
Just the part that matters. When
you've read it, I want you to sign it.
- Finished?
- Yes. Have I...
Have I done anything wrong anywhere?
No, no, no. That's just
a formality for what comes next.
Thank you.
You know, if I thought you were really
a security risk, you wouldn't be here.
I've got quite a big file on you.
I know where you went to school,
who your friends are,
what books you read, the lot.
Oh, really?
I suppose I, um... I owe you an apology.
You see, I'm nothing
to do with army films.
I'm an intelligence officer
and you've just been recruited.
- What as?
- A very big noise.
You may not be God's gift to the theatre,
but you've got one special talent
we need very badly.
- You look like Monty.
- Oh, Monty, that one.
I only did that appearance as a gag.
Well, we're going to
make that gag pay off.
You're going to act as
Monty's double before D-Day.
Well, don't look so shattered. You've
done it before, you can do it again.
Only this time, you're going to play it
straight and to a much bigger audience.
- But this is fantastic.
- That's right.
It so fantastic, it's going to work.
Between us, we're going to
trick the Germans and, uh,
probably save the lives of a lot of men.
You won't get many more
of those when the job starts.
Monty doesn't use them.
That goes for drink too.
But I don't know what to say.
From now on you don't exist as
Lieutenant Clifton James of the Pay Corps.
You won't write any letters,
make any private phone calls
or contact anybody you know.
You'll live and sleep here.
And don't worry about your chum
the adjutant, that's all taken care of.
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Do I have to do it?
- What do you mean?
- Well, is it an order?
No, I can't say
that it's an order, exactly.
But... What are you getting at?
Well, I can't stay here now.
I'm expected home.
- I mean, I...
- You want to do it, don't you?
I don't know. It's quite a thing
to decide just like that.
I haven't played many big parts.
I've understudied a few, of course,
but that's completely different.
- Well, James, it's up to you.
- I'll have to think about it.
Well, what have you to think about?
Absolute gift to any actor.
- My name's Logan. How do you do?
- How do you do, sir?
- I'd no idea. I mean, in Leicester...
- Don't worry about that.
You did very well.
Uh, sit down, James, sit down.
But what's happened to you now then?
I mean, this is a big opportunity for you.
You'll do it standing on your head,
of course you will.
The reception you got
that night in the theatre.
The audience were completely
fooled from the word go!
Of course! Why, most actors would give
their right arm for a chance like this.
- Both arms, most of them.
- Yes!
Hmm, I think it's rather good.
I always wanted to play
a dashing juvenile.
- Sit down here, Jimmy.
- What?
You may have to sprinkle fertiliser
on your upper lip a bit later on
to get it back in time
but right now it's perfect.
Now for the hair.
- You're not going to shave my head?
- No, no, nothing to be afraid of. Look.
Take years off you.
- All set, Miss B?
- I think so, Major.
Here you are, Jimmy, get this on.
- Oh, it's a bit tight under the arms.
- What? Well, it's not meant to fit.
You look marvellous. Do the buttons up.
I say, I feel like something
out of the Boer War.
- Oh, that'll wear off by tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
- Is that all the time I've got?
- Effective midnight tonight,
you are on the strings
of Monty's personal staff.
- Does he know I'm coming?
- Of course he knows you're coming.
Don't forget, when you get down there,
watch him like a hawk wherever he goes.
Try and get his mannerisms,
the way he walks, everything.
You can't tell me anything
about understudy.
I say, look at this coat.
I mean, it's hopeless.
That's it. Yes, you're...
you're fit for active service.
- Here are your documents, Corporal.
- Walker! Talking to you.
- Quite right, Miss B, keep him at it.
- AB64, driving licence,
restricted area permit,
headquarters permit,
railway warrant and movement order.
- Portsmouth?
- That's where Monty is at the moment.
You'll travelling on the 11:30 from Leeds.
11:30? We'd better get
to the station, hadn't we?
A car's laid on, Major, and I've had
some travel rations made up.
- Come along with me, Corporal.
- Hey, don't forget this.
I say, who's going to meet me
when I get down there?
A Dawson - Colonel Dawson.
Now, if you get in a jam, just go to him.
- I'm worried about the time, Major.
- Right.
Hey, Jimmy, good luck!
See you when you get back.
- Daw..?
- Dawson.
- Oh, yeah, Dawson.
- I'll be back in a moment, Major.
Come on now, lads.
Come on, lads, let's have
your feet on the floor.
Hey, you, out of it!
Hey, come on, or I'll have
your guts for bootlaces.
What do you think you're doing,
you clumsy...
Yes, go on.
- Nothing, Sergeant.
- "Staff Sergeant" to you.
- You're the new boy, aren't you?
- Yes, Staff Sergeant.
Well, the first thing we got to do is to
learn to get up in the morning, got it?
- Yes, Staff Sergeant.
- Right.
What are you staring at?
Come on, let's have you.
I'll be back in ten minutes. I want to see
you washed, shaved and shined, got it?
- You ought to get a mention in Dispatches.
- Cor blimey! Did you see his face?
'Ere, what was it you called him,
Corp, a clot?
Drivers, attention!
Drivers ready for your inspection, sir!
Drivers, dismissed!
Corporal Walker...
You'll be driving me today.
That Humber over there.
Yes, sir.
My name's Dawson.
Stay as close to the General
as you can without attracting attention.
Yes, sir.
Right, Corporal, let's go.
Come on, sort 'em out, man!
What's your game, Corp?
Watch it.
Well done, Walker.
'Ere, are trying to land us in it?
- I beg your pardon?
- All this polishing lark.
Turn it up or we'll do you.
Well, even if you can't impersonate him,
at least you'll be fit!
- Knock next time.
- I did knock.
Cloth ears!
- This has just arrived, Colonel.
- Oh, thank you, uh, Miss, um...
A-huh, they've given us the itinerary.
First stop Gibraltar, then on to Algiers.
- Do they mention a date?
- Yes, you leave a week today.
Oh, they've bought it
with a vengeance, haven't they?
Excuse me, Colonel.
Lieutenant James is back.
Oh, fine. Show him in.
- Hello, Jimmy, how are you?
- Fine, thanks.
Bet you weren't sorry to say
goodbye to Corporal Walker, eh?
Come and sit yourself down.
Dawson told us they gave you
a bit of a rough time down there.
It wasn't too bad.
Well, did you get what you want?
That's the point.
I was able to study him pretty thoroughly.
I don't know.
I don't know if it's going to work.
It isn't that I don't think I can
imitate his voice and mannerisms.
They're more or less tricks.
I can get them all right.
It's the actual personality.
- Well, that'll come too.
- I don't know that it will.
It's one thing getting up on
the stage for a couple of minutes,
but I've watched him close to,
seen the effect he has on people.
You're a professional actor. You
learn to do it just like any other part.
Well, if you can handle Charley's Aunt,
Monty will be a cakewalk.
I know I can look like him
but that isn't enough.
I've never commanded,
not even a platoon, let alone an army.
There's no question
of your actually commanding.
But it's got to be there, inside,
the ability to, don't you see?
Now, listen, James,
I would never have asked you
to do this job
if I hadn't complete confidence
in you as an actor.
So stop worrying.
I'd like to do it.
I liked to play Hamlet at the Old Vic,
but it doesn't mean I'd be any good.
You better go and change, anyway.
I had to say it, didn't I?
Yes, that's all right, Jimmy.
Yes, well, I suppose that's better
than being overconfident.
Is it? With a week to go we haven't
time for any prima-donna stuff.
- I'll get him back into it.
- You'll have to do better than that.
Keep him working night and day.
Don't give him time to think.
Yes, all right, but let's give him
a few hours breather.
No, start him off straight away.
Just don't give him time to think.
That's the way to tackle it.
...which is about to begin,
will be one of the most
important battles in...
in English history.
Go on, Jimmy, go on!
It's coming, it's coming!
All that is necessary is that every
officer and man... Oh, it's terrible!
It's fine, Jimmy, fine.
What school did you go to
when you were 14?
- St Paul's.
- Good.
- What were you captain of?
- Rugby, First XV.
- Mm-hm.
- Do you mind?
- Thanks.
- Mm, sorry.
- What are your two favourite books?
- The Bible and, uh...
Pilgrim's Progress.
See that? Typical stance.
Uses it time and time again
when he's listening to people.
Now, work on that one, Jimmy.
There you are, look. There it is again.
...did you hold at the end
of the First World War?
- Captain.
- No.
- Lieutenant Colonel then.
- Mm. Not much difference, is there?
- I shall get indigestion, you know.
- That's out. Monty doesn't suffer from it.
All right, Jimmy.
Now, that's the aircraft.
Line of waiting officers -
navy, army, air force.
Now, all we need's
the governor's residence.
Leave that till later. Let's rehearse
the arrival at Gibraltar first.
Now listen, Jimmy, point one, the
Governor won't be at the airport himself.
Instead he'll send his ADC,
a Major Tennant.
- Tennant.
- Point two.
You'll be met by the Garrison Commander,
in this case an Admiral.
Point three. Don't rush it.
Take your time. Make it human.
- Yes, but who else will be there?
- We've got a list.
Now, there's one man in particular...
- Carlton, Lieutenant Colonel.
- That's him, Carlton.
He served with you
in South Eastern Command.
- You'd have a special word for him.
- Yes, but how will I recognise him?
- He'll be presented to you by the Admiral.
- Look, let's try it once.
- Come on, Jimmy.
- Miss B, you're Colonel Carlton.
Now, stand to attention.
Now, all set?
Now, the plane has just taxied to a stop.
The guard presents arms.
Short pause and out you come, Jimmy.
I'm the Admiral now.
- Welcome to Gibraltar, sir.
- Glad to be back.
- Major Tennant, I believe?
- Yes, sir. Good trip, sir?
- Very smooth.
- This way, sir.
Uh, this is my Chief of Staff,
Captain Knowles.
Commander Baker. Colonel Carlton.
- Oh, nice to see you again, Carlton.
- Thank you, General.
- Bit warmer than when we last met.
- Yes, indeed, sir.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
- Oh, don't apologise!
If you do that on the day,
which, God forbid...
Just give him a look.
The ground will open up for him.
All right, Jimmy.
Relax for five minutes.
Harvey, I'd like a word with you.
I mean, fancy apologising.
If he's only progressed that far, well...
- He just hasn't got it, has he?
- It's just nerves.
I told them we were ready this morning.
We're obviously not.
If we send him off like this,
he won't get out of the plane.
Don't let's panic.
I've got a vague idea.
It is lit.
You know, you're in a bad way.
Come and have a glass of water
in your office. I think this may work.
Can't you tell me where we're going?
Jimmy, you trust me, don't you?
Well, of course, I do. Why?
And yet you won't believe me when
I tell you that you can do this show.
You think I'm just kidding you along.
Well, I'm taking you to see somebody
who's going to convince you.
The only person, in fact, who really can.
Will you say that again?
Monty's sent for you.
You see he doesn't share
your lack of confidence.
He wants to tell you face to face.
- He sent for me?
- Yes.
He's got the authority, you know.
Thank you, sir.
All right, Corporal.
All right, Jimmy?
He's only flesh and blood, you know.
Come in.
Well, it's been a wonderful evening.
Pleasant change from homework.
I feel good. Really relaxed
for the first time in ages.
- You hear that, Logie? Good, isn't it?
- Yes, very good.
Glad to hear it, Jimmy.
Fit for anything, eh?
- Top of the world.
- Good.
Because this is it,
you're leaving tonight.
It's all right, Jimmy. Now, just relax.
You've got a whole hour.
- Whole... An hour? But is that all?
- Come along, Jimmy.
- But we'll never make it in time.
- Yes, we'll make it.
- I say, this feels a bit big.
- Nonsense, it's perfect.
- Why, it fits like one of mine.
- Don't go too far, Colonel.
- Here's the Major.
- Miss B.
- Sorry, Brigadier!
- Ooh, you've done all right for yourself!
I want a gold chain
that goes across here, please.
What for?
You've got a wrist watch, haven't you?
Fine pair of intelligence officers. Monty
always has a gold chain across his chest?
Now, don't panic, General,
I've got a chain bag.
Oh, Miss B, don't forget
the handkerchiefs.
We've had some handkerchiefs done
with Monty's initials on them.
- You want me to drop them, I suppose.
- I say, the boy's really caught on!
Handkerchiefs. Now, there's a key
on one end and a penknife on the other.
- So don't try and tell anybody the time.
- Well, time's getting nearer.
- I'll check outside.
- Oh, Jimmy, just one thing more.
Whilst you're on the job, you'll draw
General's pay. Monty's own suggestion.
He said if James is good enough to wear my
uniform, he's good enough to draw my pay.
- That's was very kind of him.
- How much does he get, by the way?
- I'm afraid I don't know.
- You're in the Pay Corps, aren't you?
Excuse me helping myself
to your glasses, Colonel,
but I've brought along
a little something of my own,
just to speed the parting guest.
I'm awfully sorry. I should
have thought of that, you know.
Hey, Miss B, what's going on here?
Oh, it's quite safe - vodka.
No trace on the breath, you know.
Oh, marvellous, Miss B, marvellous!
Jimmy, Logie.
Miss B's favourite tipple,
keeps it in the bathroom cupboard.
- Well, cheers, everyone!
- Cheers!
- Dosvedanya! Russian, you know.
- Polish, actually.
Delicious, isn't it?
Well, Hester, we'd better
say our goodbyes here.
We shan't have
an opportunity at the airport.
- Good luck, General.
- Thank you, Miss B.
Good luck, Brigadier.
Take care of yourself.
Of course I will, Miss B.
I'm all I've got.
Come on.
Chocks away!
Come on, Hester,
let's go and polish off that vodka.
- How you feeling?
- All right.
Don't worry, Jimmy, they're feeling
much more nervous than you are.
You're on.
You're on!
Guard of honour!
Glad to have you with us, sir.
You were lucky to get here
in one of those.
Oh, I don't know.
I think they're here to stay.
Do you know Harvey?
- How do you do?
- How do you do, sir?
- Major Tennant, sir.
- Yes, sir. Smooth trip, sir?
No trouble at all.
I say...
Our Chief Staff Officer, Captain Morton.
My Secretary, Commander Higgs.
Captain Brand.
Commander Blakely.
Colonel Wentworth. Colonel Carlton.
- Major Evans.
- You know, Colonel Carlton, sir.
Oh, yes, yes, Carlton. We're old friends.
- Nice to see you again, Carlton.
- Thank you, General.
We've lost a few enemies
since we last met.
- Yes, indeed, sir.
- Took us a bit of time.
Got there in the end.
We haven't stopped yet.
- We'll save some for you.
- I hope so, sir.
Thank you, gentlemen.
- Tennant.
- Sir?
Open a window.
Someone's been smoking in here.
Yes, sir.
Honour guard...
Honour guard, slope arms!
- Hello, Monty. Good to see you again.
- Rusty, looking very fit.
Yes, and you too.
You have a good trip?
Excellent. Fine weather all the way.
We shan't need you for some time,
Sergeant, but you'd better stick around.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, sir,
I found this on the airfield.
Oh, very observant of you, Lieutenant.
I simply can't get over it.
It's really staggering.
- I'm glad you think I look the part, sir.
- How about me?
- Did I sound all right?
- Oh, yes, of course, sir.
Do you really think so?
I was as nervous as anything
before you arrived. Cigarette?
I'm afraid that would be
quite out of character, sir.
Oh, good Lord, yes, of course. I forgot.
You must pull me up
if I make a slip like that again.
Well, would you like to have a shower
and settle down in your room before...
Come in.
- Brigadier Harvey, sir.
- Ah, Harvey.
- How do you do?
- How do you do, sir?
And, Tennant, show the General
to his quarters, will you?
Thank you, Rusty.
General's looking fit, sir.
You know, it's quite extraordinary.
I've known old Monty for years.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- I shall dine out on this after the war.
- Well, come along and sit down.
- Thank you, sir.
Now then, what's the form?
Well, now we've got Monty here, sir,
we'd like the rumours to start
in as big a way as possible.
They started days ago.
Your boys have seen to that too.
It's a small place, you know.
Well, the quicker they get
to Berlin, the better, sir.
If you could think of
any shortcuts, sir.
Oh, let me think.
Yes, I wonder... Come and have
a look at my rogue's gallery.
- That might give you a lead.
- Right, sir.
Plenty of choice, you know.
More enemy agents perching on the Rock
- than there are monkeys.
- Well, I hope they're tamed, sir.
Oh, yes. We've got them all on
the end of a chain, quite a long one,
so as they can't feel it dragging.
Here they are.
Carl Nielson.
Jolly useful bloke.
We feed him no end of rubbish.
Quicker than phoning Berlin in most cases.
I wonder, sir, could you, um,
stretch a point socially
and invite him to Government House?
That's easy. He dines here, quite often.
How long since his last visit?
He was up here about a fortnight ago.
Perhaps it's time
he made another call, sir.
Yes, not a bad idea.
Get me Mr Carl Nielson, will you?
Is it him?
- Just arrived.
- Oh, Lord.
Now, take it easy.
You'll do it in your head.
Now, just remember, speaking without
thinking is like shooting without aiming.
- I read that somewhere.
- It's all right for you.
The fact is, I must ask you
to treat our dinner party tonight
- in the strictest confidence.
- You intrigue me, Your Excellency.
I've got what they call a VIP
staying under my roof.
He's passing through on his way
to a top secret rendezvous,
but in view of our friendship
and the quite extraordinary contributions
you've made to our cause, I felt that
we could relax security for this evening.
- Of course. Who is it?
- General Montgomery.
Really? It will be delightful
to see the General again.
Our last meeting was most stimulating.
Well, here we are, Monty.
A very good friend of ours, as you know.
Mr Carl Nielson, General Montgomery.
- Delighted, Mr Nielson.
- It is I who am honoured, General.
Brigadier Harvey.
How do you do?
Carl reminds me that you've
met before, Monty. Carl.
Will you drink?
What will you have, sherry?
Thank you, Your Excellency.
Some of your delicious Fino.
- I'll get them, sir?
- What about you, Harvey?
- I'm all right, thank you, sir.
- And for you, sir?
- Whisky, I think.
- Right, sir.
I, uh... I thought I recognised you
the moment you came in, Mr Nielson.
Didn't connect the name at first though.
I feel very flattered.
I didn't expect you to
return the compliment.
I was a very humble citizen in those days.
I don't often forget a face,
just trying to place where it was.
- Sir.
- Thank you.
- Where were we?
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Your health. General.
Remember all that fuss about the
Skofer gun? We had quite a chat about it.
I tried very hard to
impress your government.
Oh, yes, the Skofer gun,
not a bad weapon that.
I tried to get the War Office to test it,
you may remember?
Did you, sir? Oh, yes.
Of course, in 1938, there was
quite a lot of sales resistance
in, uh, certain countries,
if you don't mind my saying so.
Yes, I hope I didn't seem disinterested.
Not at all, you were very polite.
It was I who was rude,
in trying to combine business
with pleasure. An old failing of mine.
Of course,
a Buckingham Palace garden party
is hardly a place to try and sell guns.
Oh, no. No, quite so.
Those were happier days and let's
hope they come back again soon.
Well, I know one thing,
you've, both of you, come up
a few places since then.
Carl's a very influential man, Monty.
And what's more, he's far from being
neutral where we're concerned.
- Oh, well, shall we go in?
- Right.
Tell me, General, do you think the war's
going to last much longer?
I never make prophecies, Mr Nielson.
English history is littered with enough
Generals who made the wrong guesses.
But you do see the end in sight?
The end is always in sight.
Trouble is, sometimes
the enemy gets in the way.
Yes, there's no doubt about it,
these thousands bomber raids
must be having a devastating effect.
Don't you agree, Monty?
Hit them for six with all you got,
that's always been my contention.
Uh, Carl, don't smoke your own.
Oh, forgive me, but these
are something rather special.
I don't use them, I'm afraid.
- Don't let me stop anybody else, please.
- No, thank you, sir.
Haven't seen one of those
since before the war.
You must have a secret contact, Carl.
Well, if you'll all excuse me,
I think I'll turn in.
I have a certain amount of paperwork
to get through before leaving tomorrow.
Yes, of course, Monty, I'm sorry.
But it's your own fault, you know.
- You shouldn't be such a good talker.
- Oh, General? One last favour.
Surely, what is it?
My youngster would love an autograph.
Of course, delighted.
I think we can do better
than that for the young man, sir.
If you excuse me just for a moment.
Well, I don't know what Harvey's
got up his sleeve,
but I expect he'll take care of your boy.
- He collects autographs, does he?
- Yes, he's very keen.
Some time ago, I was able
to get him Churchill's.
Yes? Yes, I used to collect stamps,
once upon a time.
- Never kept it up though.
- One should never neglect a hobby.
I hope you don't mind, sir.
I remembered we had one of these.
Oh, good.
Here, I have a pen, thank you, sir.
- There we are.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh, thank you. My boy will be thrilled.
- Goodnight, General.
- Goodnight, Mr Nielson.
- Goodnight, Brigadier.
- Goodnight.
Thank you, Your Excellency.
It's been a memorable evening.
Yes, it has indeed.
- You saved the day then, all right.
- Me?
What about you and your ruddy Skofer gun.
I was ready to jump out of the window.
Do you think he bought it?
I don't know.
He's a pretty smooth customer.
Come on, Jimmy.
You deserve a good night's rest.
We've got an early start in the morning.
Sir, just had a radio message. Two
German fighters milling about somewhere.
Routine stuff. They have been engaged.
- Right. Thank you, Flight Lieutenant.
- Sir.
- Well, they've got a good day for it.
- Yes, sir.
- Hey, Skipper, we're in luck.
- You don't have to tell me.
I said we were in luck.
Bandits heading for home,
chased by our gallant comrades.
- On the level?
- Yeah, panic over.
We're now taking reservations for dinner.
Bit of a false alarm, sir.
- Apparently, it's all clear now.
- Glad to hear it.
Flight Lieutenant,
I don't want to contradict you,
- but is that anything to worry about?
- Excuse me, sir.
- What's that, sir?
- That.
I'll just check, sir.
There's something coming in, Skip.
- Looks like he's bought it.
- Think he wants to know, Skipper?
The clot's turning in.
He's still coming on!
I haven't got the speed!
He can't pull up.
He's not going to make it!
Well, it proves one thing,
Berlin swallowed the bait all right.
- Well, that's what we want, isn't it?
- Yes, afraid it is.
Here you are, sir.
- Ready for act two?
- Fit for anything.
Just follow me, Harvey,
and you won't get hurt.
All right, now, you guys, listen.
Your job is to escort
General Montgomery to Allied HQ
and to make sure
that he gets there, period!
We've a tip-off enemy agents are
looking out for him, so it's up to you.
A word of encouragement,
if anything should happen to the General,
every last one of you
will be court-martialled, period!
Squad, 'ten!
Hello, sir. This way, sir.
Squad, fall out, on the double!
Okay, boys!
What's going on, Corporal?
Don't worry, sir, we're
carrying out safety precautions.
That was quite a ride you chaps gave me.
Sorry about that, sir.
Couldn't take any chances.
Excuse me, sir, this way.
Ah, there you are.
Yes, they told me the plane had got in.
Have trouble with
the Customs or something?
- He's pleased to see us.
- You can tell.
How are you, sir?
What dragged you away from home,
run out of cigarettes?
No. I can offer you one, if you like.
- Not in front of me, Logan.
- What?
Quite right, you keep
yourself in check, we have to.
Both flushed with success, I see.
Very dangerous state of mind.
Sit down, Jimmy.
- Thank you, sir.
- I...
I suppose you've come all this way
to tell us they've called it off, eh?
Quite the reverse. It's going over big.
- It is?
- Bigger than anyone ever expected.
I've been sent to broaden things
out still further.
- I hope you're both feeling fit.
- Well, it depends what you've got in mind.
Well, a whistle-stop tour of North Africa,
inspecting troops, the lot.
By the time you've finished,
Jerry's really going to believe
that something's up.
When do we start?
You're leaving tonight.
Look, I don't know about Jimmy,
but I could do with a breather.
Well, you're not going to get it,
I'm afraid.
Monty's due to address
a meeting of Staff Officers here
in exactly two hours' time.
Thanks for telling me.
Have I got to say all this?
Yes, really, it's all typed out for you.
The Allied forces will be present and,
what's more, the Americans will be there.
So a wrong word could be
politically explosive as well.
What are you trying to do,
build up his confidence?
No deviations, Jimmy,
it's got to be exactly as written.
But this is a three-act play.
All right. Okay.
- Hey, Mac, no smoking.
- Huh?
Orders from the General, no smoking.
All right.
- Well, very good house.
- I should think so, nobody's paying.
Cosmopolitan bunch.
I've seen one or two already
that look like security risks.
- Yes, I spotted one too.
- Really? Where?
Standing to one side, British Colonel,
wearing his Sam Browne belt
the wrong way round.
Better keep an eye on him. Where?
Let me have your attention.
This meeting is to be treated
as top secret.
Our distinguished visitor is here
for an obvious reason.
Now, let's make sure
that reason stays in the family.
There's no necessity for me
to introduce him by name,
because you're all going
to find his face very familiar.
That's all.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's take-off.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Can you all hear me at the back?
- No!
Very well, I'll speak up then.
How is that?
We all know,
we all have a pretty good idea,
why we're gathered here today.
Very soon
we're going to send out invitations...
to a party...
uh, to a party we're going to throw.
These invitations are going out
on a large scale,
a very large scale.
We have the fine young men...
Can you all hear me clearly?
Seeing your faces reminds me
of some of the stories
that were going the rounds
a short time back.
What's he blurbing about?
That's not in the script.
- He's forgotten his lines.
- One of them I remember was,
that it took no time at all
to train the American army
because you only have
to train them to go one way.
Another, that the English were
prepared to fight to the last American.
I agree with you, they're rotten stories.
And I'm delighted you didn't laugh.
They implied that
we're on different sides,
we're fighting separate wars.
We're not. We're in the same war...
and we're in it together to the finish.
Hear, hear.
We may wear different uniforms
and some of us don't draw as much pay,
and that applies
right the way to the top.
I can speak with some authority.
I see that found its mark.
Of course, we don't always see eye to eye.
We can't expect you to understand
anything about cricket.
And it goes without saying
that baseball remains to us
one of the unexplained mysteries.
I remember an American colleague
once inquiring if I'd seen
a certain "pitcher".
I thought he was asking me
about a new film.
That's the sort of thing that could
lead to an international incident.
Because, as we all know,
we both take our sport
more seriously than we do war.
Hear, hear!
But whatever our material differences,
we share one common belief,
and that is that freedom
is worth fighting for.
Hear, hear!
I hope you get to the coming party
and I hope you to live to talk about it
and make sure the invitations
never go out again.
If you'll excuse an American expression,
"Let's make it heaven, hell
or Hoboken by Christmas!"
How much further, Sarge?
We'll be back at headquarters
within the hour, sir.
- Keep going, Sergeant!
- Right, sir.
Well, it was a mine.
Whether it was planted or merely
a stray, we'll never know.
Anyway, that's beside the point.
As far as you're concerned, Jimmy,
the show is virtually over.
Over? Is that official?
I'll have to wait for confirmation from
London but barring the shouting, yes.
And what then?
We're putting you into solitary,
more or less.
But I've made sure
that the cell is comfortable
and you'll have that old lag Harvey
for company.
And after that?
Back to Corporal Walker.
A troop ship from Alex
and home via the back door.
And then the Pay Corps.
Ah, well, any time.
Always open to offers.
At least I shan't have to pay
anybody ten percent.
Okay, Jimmy, I'll drive you up, eh?
Goodbye, sir.
That's the place, Jimmy.
You'd never know there's a war on.
Thank you, sir.
Open up!
Thought there was something odd.
This ruddy thing's three months' old.
Just about suits my mood.
Any news from HQ?
Nothing official.
Do you know something?
I don't see why I can't tell you.
The old man got
definite word through today.
The Germans have held back 60,000 men
and one Panzer division in the south.
- Is that because of us?
- Directly because of us.
Or, rather, because of you.
Not bad for an amateur.
Second relief, take post!
Message from HQ for Brigadier Harvey.
Very good, sir.
Squad commander!
Excuse me, sir.
Message for the Brigadier.
Thank you, Adams.
- Brought up from the gate, sir.
- Mm-hm.
- All right, thank you.
- Sir.
Anything important?
Don't know. The old man
wants me down in town.
Never mind, a young chap like you
should get out a bit more.
- You'll be all right, yeah?
- I won't stir.
Don't relax too much. He might have
thought up an epilogue. See you later.
Can I get you anything, sir?
No, thank you, Sergeant.
Very good, sir.
- Adams.
- Sir?
I expect you're surprised
at finding me like this.
No, sir.
I got all the confidential jobs, sir.
I think the general feeling is
that Adam's cooking's not so hot,
but his security's 100 percent.
If that's the case,
perhaps security wouldn't mind
if you had a drink with me.
- I hate drinking alone.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Where will I find Colonel Logan?
- You might try the officer's mess, sir.
Did he leave a message for me -
Brigadier Harvey?
- Not that I know of, sir.
- Thanks.
Well, hi there! Hi!
Let me buy you a drink.
Hello. Seen Logan?
I've got a date with him.
- Oh, you've got yourself a long wait.
- Why? Is he out?
Well, I wouldn't put it as strong as that.
He got slightly cut.
Boy, can he hold it.
I put him to bed about an hour ago.
Did he mention sending for me?
I got a message up at the villa.
No, he never mentioned it.
Hey, something wrong?
Get me Jupiter 4-0.
What's going on?
Are you quite sure?
Well, keep trying.
Line's dead. Now, look...
get Logan and tell him
exactly what I told you.
I'm going back to the villa.
- Hey, you.
- Sir?
- Get in this car.
- Well, I've just...
- Get in the car!
- I've just come off duty, sir.
- Well, I've just put you on again.
- Could I ask what for, sir?
Get in!
Remember that?
Remember it, I was in it.
Don't tell me you were a pro?
Only one thing stopped me from having
a great musical comedy career.
It doesn't matter what we find when
we get there, keep your mouth shut.
Right, sir.
What's your name, by the way?
Butterfield, sir.
Where's that door to? I going to
need it in a minute. Do you know?
- Oh, it's up here.
- Oh! Why didn't you tell me so before?
Good thing that didn't happen
the night you appeared.
Coo, yes, sir.
I've got some old stage photos
and press cuttings in my room, sir.
- Don't know if you'd care to see them?
- Yes, I'd like to.
I'll get 'em.
- Shouldn't there be a guard, sir?
- Shut up!
The Colonel says to the General
that he will be treated
in accordance with international law.
He wishes to interrogate you.
I will answer precisely two questions.
My name and my rank.
The Colonel says you will soon be
in German-occupied territory
where you will be meeting an old
friend of yours, Feldmarschall Rommel.
Get off! Get away!
Go on, get out of here!
Come on!
They're leaving the hut. Make for
the open beach. We want clear targets.
- They're coming, sir.
- How many are there?
- Looks like half a dozen.
- Right.
Better get started.
- When I shout, hit the deck.
- Right, sir.
They'll spot our uniforms, sir.
It's possible.
They're getting very close, sir.
They're getting bloody close.
Wait for the word.
Jimmy, get down!
Is he dead?
No, his heart's beating
like a sledgehammer.
Oh, better late than never, I suppose.
D-Day plus one.
Under cover of constant
sea and air support,
the build-up goes on.
From hundreds of landing craft,
wave after wave of troops pour ashore.
A bridgehead, now extending over 15 miles,
is being consolidated as the German
defences continue to crumble.
Troops on the beach were
confronted by a familiar figure.
Wearing his famous beret
and fur-lined coat,
General Montgomery was there
to see for himself.
Why don't you watch were you're going?
Who do you think you are?
Yes, who do you think you are - Monty?
Oh, I see!