Ice Breaker (2017) Movie Script

Here come the rain
Here come the rain
I'll get high
You'll get high
We'll get high
You'll get high
You'll get high
You'll get high
I'll get high
Oh the little thing When you roll
Is like a nice little girl I know
Just a brush through her human hair
It's just a touch of desire to spare
You'll get high
We'll get high
We'll get high
I'll get high
You'll get high
We'll get high
We'll get high
We'll get high
We'll get high
We'll be high
I'll get high
We'll get high
I'll get high
We'll get high
We'll get high
All through the night
- [Kevin] Okay, so imagine that this piece
of paper right here is the app, okay.
- [Guy] What's an app?
- [Kevin] An application,
you know, you use it to interface
with electronic devices.
- [Guy] What?
- [Kevin] Those little games
you play in your phone,
does that ringing any bells?
- [Guy] Like a gizmo?
- [Male 1] Yeah, sure.
Whatever works for you.
- [Guy] What's the point?
- [Kevin] Well I mean the point is
it introduce yourself an
like an interesting way.
You know.
- [Guy] Why don't you just
go up and talk to her.
- [Kevin] Because that's not cool.
I mean you can't just walk up to her,
so I write her a note instead.
You just want to write a note.
That's more interesting, you know.
So you do this, watch, watch.
- [Guy] Hey, yodi, I'm Kevin.
- [Kevin] Yeah, yeah.
- [Guy] What's a yodi?
- [Kevin] Alright, just no
more questions please, please.
Alright, so what I'm gonna do is
I'm just going to rip this guy right here.
Do that.
Do this.
so I'm gonna throw it over to her.
- You're gonna throw it.
- Yeah, and it's gonna
land next to her hand.
And then she's gonna see it,
and she's gonna open it up
and be like "oh my God,
"this beautiful man
just wrote this for me,
"he must be so attractive
and probably owns
"like really nice cars."
So just get ready, alright.
Here I go.
No, no, trust me.
- Where's my shake?
- This guy's been bothering me all day.
No, no, let me throw it.
- Don't.
- Oh my God, okay.
Um, um, um, oh my God.
Okay, I'm gonna go do that.
And I'm gonna be right back.
- Kevin.
- Sir.
- Did you clean the men's room?
- Yes sir, yes, it is pristine.
- So that's why the toilet
is covered with poo?
- Sir, I promise I will get done with it
as soon as possible,
but really I need to get over there.
- No, no, you need to do it now.
- No, no, no please sir.
Oh, oh my God.
- Kevin?
What's a yodi?
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Oh, oh, oh Bertha.
Bertha, no, no, no honey.
You remember all the times
that we've gone together,
and we've done great things,
but please, come on please.
You're gone.
Oh my God.
Son of a (horn beeps)
oh shit.
Oh that's hot.
Hey guys.
My car broke down.
- Hey Kevin, catch.
(boys laugh)
I got him boys.
- Hey, hey, Tyler.
It's your favorite cousin.
Kevin Cassidy.
Yeah, yeah, that's me.
So the reason why I'm calling
is because I have this new app
and it's called Ice Breaker
and everyone loves it,
and I need to live in Austin.
And you live in Austin,
so I need to live with you for free.
Yeah, really?
Oh my God.
This is so exciting.
Well I just got halfway done
rolling my socks.
No, don't worry about,
I'll take a bus.
I'll take a train.
I will piggyback with the hobo.
I will do anything.
I will be there, okay.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
I'll see you then.
Okay, goodbye.
Poor Bertha.
See, it's not hard to talk to people.
You can do it.
My name's Mr. Sock.
I'm gonna go to Austin.
Yay, yay, yay.
I'm going too.
This year's gonna be the year
That I get ahead,
Get a life and get a job
I'll move on,
Move forward,
And network and get it right
Oh this year's gonna be the year
That my dreams come true
I'm gonna read the paper in the morning,
Do the crossword
And talk to my neighbor
But I'll be the same guy
That I was last year
And the year before
I'll be the same guy
That I was the last year
And the year before
I'm gonna stop right now
Baby walk it out the door
- Hey, hey, hey what the hell man.
What the hell.
- [Kevin] Don't worry about it.
- Jumped out of my trunk.
Knew I shouldn't have
taken my meds this morning.
- [Radio Man] Are people fake as shit?
Do you want to just quit your job
and move to India?
Join me.
My name's Matt Carlson.
And I'm picking up people
from all over the country
to fly into India with me.
- Hey, hey Tyler.
- [Tyler] Hey what's up man?
- I well I think I'm here.
I'm just calling to make sure
that everything's lined up.
Are we good?
- [Tyler] Ah, I don't know man.
I'm just sick of all these fake people.
- Tyler?
- [Tyler] All day I'm in this nice suit,
just sucking up to
these plastic mannequins
with dead eyes--
(dial tone)
- How about that one coming
out of the ballet studio?
- You know ballerina's are graceful,
that's my kind of thing.
Like graceful women, you know.
With a smooth walk.
- Oh man, I see a cougar
coming back from sixth street.
What do you think of that?
- I don't know, I can't really
handle cougars right now.
They want money,
and let's be realistic,
it's not that time for me.
I'm kind of in a rough time.
But I can play that off.
That's why I got you, Rocky,
we're all good.
- Oh yeah.
Oh shit, is that a roller derby girl.
- Oh my gosh, they're rough.
But that's cool.
I mean I could play that game too.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Play it cool.
Hey, ask about me lifting
weights when we walk by.
Hey, hey,
you want a ride on me?
- Excuse me?
- Do you want a free ride?
What a nice day.
- Great.
- So, where are you going?
You know some say love is blind.
But I think it's deaf actually.
- Whoa.
- Hey are you alright man?
- Yeah I'm fine.
I'm just trying to find the 12 Seasons,
but my app is all...
- 12 Seasons is like right over there.
- oh it's working now, it's working.
- No, you can literally see it.
- Oh, huh,
well look at that.
That's cool.
Well, can you hold this for me?
- Ah, no.
- I just thought that maybe if it was cool
that I could just ride with y'all.
Wouldn't that be fun.
- Not really.
- Can you scooch it for me?
- You know what, there's
so much room anyways, so.
- This is pretty cozy.
Thank you so much.
Chariots away.
- That's cool.
- I've never been on one
of these things before.
How fast can you go?
Like 20 miles per hour.
- You have like the luggage
of like a 1920s grandpa.
- Yeah, yeah,
it's vintage.
(calming music)
- I'm Kevin Cassidy.
- Hi Kevin.
- Hi.
So, uh...
So you from here?
I'm not from here.
- Born and raised.
- I don't live in this neighborhood.
Is it really as weird as everyone says?
- Not really.
- You know weird isn't enough.
That's how I'd put it, honestly.
- Gotcha.
Um, you know I actually,
uh, I don't live here.
I just work here.
- I had no idea you weren't from here.
I couldn't tell at all.
- I'm actually here to sell my app.
- That's really creative.
- That's genius, it's genius man.
- It's like if you know, if you wanted
to talk to a girl and
you wanted to, you know,
talk with here without
actually having to talk to her,
you do the ice breaker and you
(car horn honks)
break the ice.
You're able to talk to her,
maybe take her on a date.
- Can you scoot over or something?
- I legitimately can't.
- Welp, here we are.
- Wow.
- Heaven on Earth, 12 Seasons.
- Very cool, how much?
- It's about five bucks.
- It's about 20 bucks.
Hey listen, we kick ass.
We're a squad, we're a team, okay?
We make money, I get a
split, I got 20%, it's cool.
- Yeah, 20.
- Twenty'll do.
- Well there you go.
- Want any change?
- Uh, nah.
Nah I'm good.
So, um, I was thinking that...
So I'll see you around?
- Maybe.
- You sure?
- No I'm good, don't worry about it.
- Alright.
Let's get outta here.
- Toodle-do, bitch.
- Hi, how may I help you?
- Hi, I'm Kevin Cassidy.
My cousin said he would
schedule me an interview
- And who might your cousin be?
- Tyler Williams.
- Tyler no longer works here.
- Really, since when?
- This morning.
(record scratch)
- 12 Seasons, can I got
your continental breakfast?
Maybe a banana up your ass!?
- Interview? Yes?
No? Okay.
Well, um, you have a great day.
Are you sure?
I didn't even know him that well.
Tyler, come on.
Answer the door.
I rolled my socks for you man, I'm tired.
I had to go into a truck,
it's been really tiring.
I know stuff's rough.
Whoa, jeez.
Whoa, whoa.
- [Tyler] My sweet dear boy, Kevin.
I've escaped this
madhouse you call society.
I'm sick of all the posers
flaking their way through life.
India is calling my name.
The name of Tyler.
- Son of a...
Hey petty, pedi-cab guy?
- Oh shit.
- What're you doing here?
Do you live here?
- Next door, unfortunately.
What're you doing here?
- I was supposed to live here.
Like right there.
- Do you know Tyler?
- Yeah, he's my cousin.
But, uh, apparently he moved to India.
- Yeah, he said something actually about
leaving his key.
- Howdy, neighbor.
Want to trade foot massages?
Hey there neighbor, I
found a wart on my sole.
Well hey there neighbor.
Hey there neighbor.
Hey there neighbor.
I love you so much.
You're my favorite neighbor.
- His cousin's stranded.
- That's what he did?
- Sorry about that.
That sucks.
You know, I actually
know a ton of cool places
you can stay that are not
right here next door to me.
- Could you maybe give me a ride?
Yeah, let's go.
- Sure.
I don't care.
I don't care about my wife.
- Oh, thank you.
- It's 30 bucks a night, can't beat that.
- I got 16.
- 16 total?
- Yeah.
- Okay, this whole me
carrying your bags thing?
Ends right now.
Thought I was getting a tip for this.
- Oh, uh...
- Kevin, here's the 20
you gave me Daddy Warbags.
You can pay me back by coming to my show.
- Oh, thank you so much.
Great, when is it so I
can put it in my phone?
- It's 22nd, Friday.
- Okay yeah, I'll do that right now.
- Yeah, do whatever you want bud.
Don't forget.
They kick you out after seven days.
- Okay, well thank you.
- Yeah, you can thank me.
And I hope you do, big time.
- [Kevin] Yep.
- So where you from Kevin?
- Oh, I'm from Lubbock.
- Well Lubbock or leave it.
Arlgiht, you're all set, room three,
down the hall on the right.
- So where is it, sorry?
- It's across from the
space cowboy armadillo.
He's the only one who smokes inside,
don't get any ideas now.
- I'll try not to.
(acoustic guitar music)
Hey there.
- Hello.
- What're you reading there?
- Ginsberg.
- I didn't know you
guys had two paintings.
- Yeah dude, they all do.
- Okay boys.
- What're you homos doing
inside, it's a Friday night.
I mean, unless you are homos.
That's cool.
We're going drinking, if you're thirsty.
- Sorry, I just, I gotta work on this app.
- At night?
- You got any razors, Eric?
- Nah sorry Dave, I shaved before we came.
- No worries.
- How about you, Wowza?
- I have a poetry slam to attend.
- Alright.
- Quickest shave ever, you ready?
- Let's do this.
- Aroo, see you boys.
- Gosh, they're even more
brutish than I'd imagined.
- Who them?
- Yes them.
Modern day dinosaurs.
Pooping and eating without
any intelligent thought.
- So then why are you here?
- My father used to
hostel when he was young.
Thinks it's supposed to
build character or something.
Sure you don't wanna come?
- Oh, uh, sorry.
I just gotta work on this app.
- Suit yourself.
- Oh yes, I did it.
- Did what?
- Oh uh, nothing.
- You sell your app yet?
- Get your shit off my bed, man.
- Apparently there's a sick party
for you tonight, if you want to come.
- Oh, I'm way too busy or I would.
- Doing what?
Beating your Angry Dog score?
Dude, you need to relax.
- Oh, I don't have a glass.
- Yeah, strike one buddy.
Strike one.
- Oh yeah, that's mine.
- You guys just share out
of the same thing, okay.
- What'd you think man, ready
to have a good time, eh?
- You know you want to.
- Alright, it can't be that bad.
- That's what I like to see.
- Wow, that...
Looks like we're gonna go to a party.
("We'll Get High" by Willy McGee)
- Here we go again, cigarettes and gin
- Only feels right 'cause
some might accept it tonight.
- Oh, ho.
- I know, that's stupid, but I wrote it
and I feel like it could be a hit.
- I love it, it's a hit.
- You think so?
My first hit single.
- This is a hit.
- That's a hit?
- Is it a spliff?
- Maybe.
You know a French guy left it on my table.
- I can't believe you just grabbed a guy
from the party and took
him up to your room.
- Yeah.
Grabbed the French one.
That's what happened
- When is it the right time to shake
someone's hand at a party?
- What're you talking about,
no one shakes hands at a party.
Wait, what?
Oh my God.
You think he's undercover?
- Either that or he's the
most awkward dude ever.
I kina wanna mess with him.
- Wait, wait guys, seriously
I don't know anyone here,
- Dude, dude!
- I'm freaking out.
- You need to relax.
- That's strike three, bro.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
I did not see you there.
- It's okay.
It's alright.
- Do you need a light?
- Oh, oh no.
I don't smoke.
- Oh, okay.
So who are you?
- Oh, I'm Kevin Cassidy.
That's my first and last name.
I'm here to sell my app, yeah.
- Oh, you came to a
party to sell your app.
- Oh, oh not in particular.
It's like, um, it's like
a phone that helps you
talk with strangers.
- That's a really bad idea.
It's a really fucking bad idea.
- I thought it was...
- I mean, I'm sorry.
It's like making an app that has sex
with your girlfriend for you.
- I'd pay for that, yeah.
- I thought I was weird.
- What?
- Do you want to make
friends at this party?
- Well yeah.
- You think this is fedorable?
It's not.
- Hey, that was like 20 bucks.
- Listen, listen.
Dude, go get some beer
and talk to some girls.
- Talk to them about what?
- I don't know, isn't
there an app for that?
- Oh God.
("We'll Get High" by Willie McGee)
- What the hell, man.
What do you think you're doing?
- Can I just pee in peace for one sec--
Hi, um.
I, got.
That this was the pee spot.
- Oh okay, then I'll just
go pee on your house later?
- That's not what I meant,
it's just that's where they--
- You know what, get outta here.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Ah, it was just number one.
That's all I did.
How do I get outta here?
- Hey man, I'm sorry.
- Okay, I guess I was...
- It was a joke.
- No it's cool, I was just
confused because you kicked
me out with your foot onto my
bottom, so that's why I was--
- (laughs) Your bottom.
- I just thought.
- You know what, I'm sorry.
I'm Lana.
- Kevin, Kevin Cassidy.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- You wanna go back to the party?
(electronic dance music)
- Why don't you get us some beers and try
not to get drugged by the time I get back.
- Hey guys, what's hopping?
- I like him.
- Oh, you're clever.
- Come here.
- Come here.
- Oh, oh okay. Alright.
- What's your name?
- Oh, it's Kevin Cassidy.
Do y'all know where to
find some beers or alcohol?
- Yeah!
Open your mouth.
- Close your eyes.
- Oh no, oh okay you know what?
I think I'll, I'll pass, I'll come back.
Oh don't worry, I'll be there.
Oh yeah.
- Come back.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't even see you there.
- Yeah, yeah actually.
I don't mean to be rude,
but could I have two?
Thank you.
You know, it is just so
nice to finally be talking
with someone, ya know?
Those people in there are
just a bunch of horn dogs.
- It's a little queer
for my taste, ya know.
Just sissies taking shots, lotta mollie.
- Yeah.
- I'm more a man's man.
Let's go check my bike out.
- Oh well, my friend is over--
I'm sorry.
Lana? Lana!
Excuse me, excuse me.
Lana, Lana we need to go now.
We need to leave.
- Whoa, we just got here.
- You don't understand,
you don't understand.
- Where's that little shit at!?
- Right there.
- Oh, okay.
- Let's go, go, go, go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It seriously looks like someone needs
an attitude adjustment.
- Alright, let's go check my bike.
- Yeah.
(balloon pops)
- Shh.
- What if, what if they have guns?
- Take your shoes off.
- Okay, okay.
Taking off my shoes,
I'm taking off my shoes
- Well don't just stare.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not looking.
Oh my God!
(upbeat romantic music)
Oh wow.
You got it.
- I got it.
Want some?
- Oh, I don't smoke.
- Really? Why not?
- I have to get a job.
- Dude, my professors smoke weed.
- Alright.
(Kevin coughs)
Nope, that's you.
Oh God, I haven't smoked
since high school.
- Really?
I smoke like everyday now.
I miss smoking back then, though.
- Why?
- I don't know, it was
more ceremonial, I guess.
I'd get all my friends
together and we'd find
a secret spot, try to hide from my parents
so they wouldn't catch us stoned.
It's funny.
Can't even see my parents
without being high now.
- Having a little trouble there?
- You know, I feel like
if I do this art show
and nobody buys anything...
I'm gonna feel like a loser.
- Loser?
What do you even have to lose, hun?
- 50 bucks!
And my dignity.
- Your dignity?
Your dignity went out the
window a long time ago, hun.
Besides, what if people
see it and they think
it's like the best
thing they've ever seen.
- Or what if I stand there like a goober
at the mall selling handbags?
- When did you get so self-conscious?
Did that awkward boy rub
off on you all night?
- No.
- Why not?
(rock music)
(water splashes)
- So you've been waiting
tables for three years?
- So you've been a bar
back for three years?
- Is this scented?
- Listen, I am fashion.
Oh baby, what you gonna do
When your man gon' come through
Oh baby what you gonna say
When your man comes by
Ooo baby what you gonna do
When your man gon' come out today
Ooo baby what you tryin' get
'Bout what your man did
Ooo baby what you tryin' get
About what your man did
Ooo baby what you gonna do
When your man
Gonna get outta bed
- What's this?
- Oh, that's my resume.
- Thanks.
Do I know you from somewhere?
- I don't think so.
- Ah, whatever.
Okay, why do you wanna work here?
- Well I need a job.
I really, really need a job.
- God, I just thought you
had a love of mac and cheese.
- I thought this was a pizza place.
- Honey, all things cheese.
Have you ever worked in
a food trailer before?
- Yes, yes I have.
No, no I haven't.
- You're hired.
- What!?
- Yep.
- Wait...
Oh, wow.
- Wow.
- That is amazing.
You just don't know what I've been through
trying to get a job.
It's really hard to get one here.
- You have to have some
skills here, to work here.
- Oh, I'll do anything.
- Half a brain, maybe one ball.
- Remember the time we saw
George Bush at the party?
He was wasted, man.
Have you ever had sex with a kangaroo?
- Um...
Not yet.
What is that, where did you get that?
- I dunno, found it last
night on the street.
- Six pockets.
- Nice tits though, eh.
- I definitely got laid, I think?
- You didn't get laid, man.
- No, I definitely got laid, I think.
- That's not true.
- Like--
- What?
- Like I helped.
- This sheila I helped Friday night?
- Hey guys, guess who just got a new job?
- Oh that's sick, man.
- Yeah.
Wanna go like swimming or something?
- Oh, we're heading back to the island.
- What the hell am I supposed to do?
Like who am I supposed
to hang out with now?
- Really, man?
This is like the easiest
place in the world
to meet people, just go talk to someone.
- [Dude] I was delivering
this guy like a sack
of oranges right?
(Kevin laughs)
No seriously, this is a true story.
- Wow, dude nice throw.
That was good.
- That disk is warped,
anyways like I was saying,
I had the win, I had the win at the 2012
International Invitational but uh,
you know, I broke my back
while I was spelunking,
so my mom wouldn't let me go.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh no, that's cool bro.
I got lots of stuff going on.
I got my delivery service,
I've got these lessons,
these pay pretty well.
I got lots of stuff going on.
I got lots of things.
- What do you deliver?
- What was that?
- Oh, yeah.
What do you deliver?
- Oh you know, just like anything.
Anything you need, like we can go get it.
- Literally anything?
- Yeah, yeah totally bro.
Like what do you want, what do you need?
- I need to poop.
- Oh, you got a case of the gurglies bro?
I got something that'll cure it, dude.
It's in my back pocket, right here.
- Oh no, uh.
- Oh really?
Okay, well you know the
porta potties are back
in the very front, but
there's a better spot.
If you take the trail, alright?
Back over past hole five, and you get into
the thicket behind the
trees, you can right there
and there's plenty of nice
big leaves for you to use.
- I don't need the imagery, I just to know
where it's gonna be.
- Yeah, but watch out
'cause lots of joggers
come by and they got dogs
and they can smell that shit.
- I'm just gonna go find
it, I'm just gonna go find.
- Alright, good luck bro!
(Shea screams)
- Oh no, it's me Kevin.
I'm from the cab.
I'm here to sell--
- Sell your app.
- To sell my app, exactly.
- What're you doing
hiding in the grass for?
- For uh, for uh, the app.
You know, we're doing our
target audience, yeah.
- I'm your target audience?
- No, not you specifically.
We're just looking for
attractive girls in general.
- So you think I'm attractive?
- No, no, no, no.
We're just looking for a
girl for our ad campaign
and that would be, preferably,
someone attractive.
- So like a model?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I did modeling in high school.
It was just for graduation photos,
but I still modeled.
- Huh.
- You can use me if you want.
- Really?
- My profile pic has like 200 likes.
It's not a big deal.
- Alright, well how do I contact you?
- Give me your phone.
- So call you later?
- Um, I'm busy tonight
but maybe we could go
grab drinks tomorrow?
- Definitely.
- Are you okay?
- Golden.
- I guess I'm gonna go now.
- Yeah, totally.
Yeah you just, um.
You just keep on, keep on jogging.
Jog away, like a,
like a jogger.
- Okay? Bye.
- Cya.
- Kate, Kate please.
- Kevin, I can't give you an advance.
- Why not?
- Oh, well for one, you
worked like 30 minutes.
(Kevin groans)
- There's gotta be something I can do.
- You want to make money?
- Well how would I do that?
(ominous music)
- Hello?
- Are you Linda?
- Yeah, you're--
- You don't need to know my name, okay?
- It's Kevin, Kate told
me you were coming.
- Dammit!
Well do you have the money?
- Yeah, it's in my pocket.
- Mom, I'm going outside.
- Stay out of the street.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
I am not dealing drugs to a parent, okay?
That is just irresponsible.
Kevin, it's pot. Relax.
- What if the FBI is
listening to me right now?
I'm done, I'm screwed.
- Uh, Kevin.
- I don't wanna be caught by the police
and go to prison for life, okay?
That's what they all say.
- Oh yellow, good choice.
- Bye Kevin!
Thanks for the pot.
- Stop saying my name.
- Ah, shit.
- Bye Kevin!
- Stop saying my name, okay?
It's not Kevin Cassidy,
it's George Palitroni.
- Come back and see us seen.
- You never saw me, you never saw me.
- Bye Kevin!
- Stop it, stop it!
Go back to your mother.
I'm never, ever doing that again.
Okay? It's not happening.
- Why, did she hit on you?
- What? No, no.
I'm just really uncomfortable
with selling drugs, okay?
I ripped my shirt, too.
- You know it's actually
kinda coming back into style,
you can probably sell it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Huh.
You know what?
You're a saint.
- That's what they call me.
- This guy again?
Somebody get the fire extinguisher,
we're gonna need it.
("Let's Talk About the
Heat" by Willie McGee)
- Hey girl, it's your best friend.
His name is Kevin Cassidy
and he's about to take
you on a date.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'll be right there.
Alright, I got my caulk,
I got my peanut butter,
I got my dollar, I got my
recorder, and I got a sock.
How fun, a sock and a caulk.
(jazzy piano)
- Oh my gosh, these scallops are like
the best scallops ever.
- Yeah, I just wish I
wasn't allergic to seafood.
- You should've told me, we
could've gone somewhere else.
- We could go to like get fast food
and just eat it really slow.
- That's so funny.
- Hello, how are we doing this evening?
- [Kevin] Very good.
- That's fine, how are you?
- Good.
- Excellent, what can I get for you?
- Oh, I'll just have water.
- I'm sorry.
- What would you suggest for the Pinot?
- What's really expensive.
- Perfect.
- I just, I think we just
need a minute, you know,
get some more time.
- Frn Sois.
- Great, there were two
options and he chose
the most expensive one, so...
Oh wow. Okay.
It just gets worse as you turn the page.
So the way I started my app was uh...
Well, I don't really
tell many people this,
but sometimes I doubt myself.
I don't really know who I am.
I guess I'm insecure.
- Oh my God, look at this text.
- I'm actually really glad
you weren't listening to that.
- Hold on one second.
You wanna go?
- Yeah, sure.
Sounds great.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
- So...
- Uh, you know I wanted
to talk to you about this.
I didn't want to say
this while she was here,
but there was actually a bug in my food.
I mean...
- A bug?
- I just thought this
establishment was better
than to have bugs in their food.
- Okay.
What dish?
- Oh well, actually the wine.
He was just swimming in here.
He's like the next
Michael Phelps, but uh...
- You're still gonna have
to pay for everything else.
- Oh here it is, just go crazy with it.
Just put that right there.
- There you go.
- Thank you so much.
I'm gonna go.
Oh shit!
Alright, let's get outta here.
Come on, come on, come on.
Alrighty, we're having come.
Okay, let's go, let's go.
- Do you want to hail a cab or?
- We should probably just walk, let's go.
- No!
Dammit, not in my section!
(deep electronic music)
- Wow, so this is your place?
- Yeah.
You can make yourself cozy,
I'm gonna go get more comfortable.
- Okay.
That's terrible.
Oh, that's so stupid.
- Oh Kevin?
Are you sleeping?
(deep electronic music)
- Wow.
Oh, wow.
- Kevin?
- Ah, that tickles.
Got me right on my tickle spot.
- What's wrong with you?
Why are you all dazed and confused?
- What?
What're you talking about?
- Please, you look like
you're on cloud nine.
Are you high?
- No, no, I don't do that stuff.
You know I don't.
That's gross.
- Okay, well you can if you want to,
I don't need you here today.
- Come on, okay, okay.
I'm awake, I'm awake.
I'm not dazed and confused anymore.
- That's fine, I still
don't need you here today,
we haven't had a customer
in like three hours.
- Well where am I supposed to go?
I don't wanna go back to
the hostel, it's boring
and just really, really, dirty there.
- Kevin why don't you stop asking people
what to do and just follow your gut.
- Follow my gut?
What does that even mean?
Am I supposed to follow my gut and just go
wherever I want to go and
turn left, turn right?
I mean so if my gut tells me to just walk
all the way to Wisconsin,
I'm supposed to do that?
- Yes Kevin.
If your gut tells you
to walk to Wisconsin,
walk to Wisconsin.
If your gut tells you to walk on a table,
walk a table.
- Hey, get off the table--
- If your gut tells you
to poke your employee.
Like this?
Is it dirty like my broom?
- You don't know where
that's been, it's been in
- Is that dirty?
- Dirty places.
- I know exactly where it's been, Kevin.
Go to Wisconsin, Kevin!
("Drooling" by Growl)
- Oh man, disgusting.
- Thanks for painting my wall brown.
- Oh sir, sir.
I'm so sorry
- Step in a landmine?
Come on over and sit
down, clean your boot off.
- Okay, I'm just, I feel terrible.
I'm so sorry, I just--
- Oh that's alright.
Nice view from here.
Me and my wife used to sit out here
and talk about, uh...
Well hell, I forgot.
Where you heading?
- Nowhere, really.
- Well, you're always heading some place.
You just may not know where it is.
Yeah, the key,
is to keep on walking.
- You know I have this one girl,
and she's kinda terrifying,
to be honest, but I feel
like I'm in quicksand.
- You honest with her?
- No.
- You gotta show her your rough
side and your good side too.
But you're walking, huh?
Come on, let me show you something.
There it is.
- Wow.
- That's yours, son.
- Sir, no, no.
- No, no, go and take.
- I can't take your bike from you.
- No, this beats walking.
It ain't a beauty, but it'll work.
Never had no children to give it to.
Go ahead and take it.
That's what it's for.
Somebody who needs it.
Yeah, that'll get you there.
Take care, son.
- Thank you so much!
("Drooling" by Growl)
(water splashes)
- Kevin?
- Lana?
- Hey.
- Oh my gosh.
- What're you doing here?
- Well you know, I come here often.
So hanging out.
- Is that your shirt?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Can I use it?
- Sure.
- See those turtles?
- Oh my God, they're so cute.
- Yeah, they're really cute.
- So are you hear alone?
- Yeah. Are you?
- Yeah, I come here all the time.
- I heard you were living at a hostel.
- My dad says it like, builds
character, or something.
- What does he do?
- He's an attorney.
- That's cool, I guess.
- What about you?
- What about me?
- What do you do?
- That's a good question.
I guess sometimes I paint.
- You paint?
- Yeah.
- That's so cool.
You know what?
I wish I could paint, but
the only thing I'm good for
is coding stupid apps.
- Well at least apps are worth something.
- Now I bet your paintings
are worth like a bajillion
dollars, that's how much I'd buy it for.
- How would you know,
you never even seen 'em.
- I dunno, you seem pretty cool.
(cell phone rings)
Hey, um, that's um, it's business.
Do you mind?
- Go for it.
- Okay.
Hey mom.
- [Kevin's Mom] Kevin, where are you?
I've been calling, you just
left without saying good-bye.
- Mom, mom.
- I was worried you might
be in a ditch somewhere.
- Mom, mom everything's fine.
I'm living in Austin right now.
- God, I thought you were dead.
- Mom, I'm gonna do it, okay?
I'm gonna sell our app, I'm
gonna buy us a new home.
- Well, as long as it has wheels.
Is Tyler letting you stay with him.
- No, I'm actually living in a hostel.
- A hostel!?
Son, are you smoking pot?
- Lana!?
What's up!
- Hey.
- Dude, you shoulda seen it.
I just busted the gnarliest
belly flop over there,
it was sick.
What you been up to?
- Oh, you know. School.
- Word, I've just been skating a ton,
just living it up.
I dunno, Austin's sick.
Yeah, yeah.
- Have you been out a lot?
- Yeah, I've been partying a lot.
Like a lot, a lot.
- Yeah?
- A lot, a lot.
- Well maybe I'll like, see
you around at some parties.
- I hope so, I haven't
been seeing you around.
- Yeah, it's a been a while.
I've been kinda busy.
- Word, word.
Keeping busy.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Shea.
Oh yeah, yeah.
I'm free.
I'll be right over, okay.
- You know, I'm actually
here with a friend,
so I should probably go.
- Yeah no worries, whatever.
- Yeah you know, I'm really little,
but I can eat a lot.
- Oh perfect, perfect.
- I can drink a lot too.
I don't know, I can drink wine like water.
- Oh great, yeah.
So where'd you park?
Oh, wow.
That is...
That is very nice.
- We're gonna go to my dad's.
He's out of town for
the weekend, so we have
the place to ourselves.
That's okay with you, right?
- S'yeah.
This place is really nice.
What does your dad do?
Is he like the president, or something?
Oh, hi there.
Oh okay.
- Shea?
- [Kevin] I am so, so sorry.
Oh my goodness.
This is uh, this is quite awkward.
- Hey daddy.
- Hey sweetie.
- I thought you were out of town?
- I was, just got back.
- Are you going somewhere?
- No, I've got investors in town
for the weekend conference.
We're gonna grab a couple of drinks.
So what do you do?
- Oh...
Um, I like a, I do like a, appy stuff.
- He's an app designer.
- Yeah, app designer.
- Really?
What kind of apps do you develop?
- Oh, it's silly stuff.
- No, no, my company develops apps.
I'm interested.
- Oh, well it's called...
- Oh, break the ice with Ice Breaker.
- Yes, exactly.
- I love it.
- Really?
- It's genius.
- Oh my God, thank you so much.
- It's a shame you already sold the idea.
- Well, I actually haven't.
- But I thought that Shea said--
- Yeah, honestly I just told her that
to think I was successful.
- Alright, listen son.
I don't wanna hear about
you lying to my daughter,
but I am interested in your idea.
You mind if I keep this?
- Well that's the only hard drive I have.
- Kevin, I can show
this to a lot of people.
I'm about to go meet investors right now.
Don't you want a lot
of people to see this?
Don't you wanna sell your idea?
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what?
You go it, you just hang onto it.
- Daddy, your car's ready.
- I gotta go, we'll be in touch.
- Alright, great.
- Bye.
What do you wanna do, Kev?
- Well...
Good job, buddy.
- I'm gonna hop in the
shower, you can go swim
in the pool if you want to rinse off.
- Alright.
- Okay, get out.
- Okay?
Well thanks for the ride.
Well this sucks.
("In the Backseat" by Jonas Alaska)
- Hey, Lana!
- So what did you get your
undergraduate degree in?
- Political science.
I wasn't really sure
what to do so I did that.
- Yeah?
Well that's cool.
- I'm coming up.
Be there soon.
- Wait, is he waving at you?
- Yeah.
I know that guy.
- What? How?
- I met him at a party a few days ago.
- Whoo, I can feel it in my thighs.
I can feel it in my thighs.
I'm a coming, don't you worry.
- But he is, he's a sweetheart.
- [Kevin] I like your dress.
- I trust you, but good luck with that.
I gotta go.
- I'm right over here.
Hi, hi.
If you had some water, that'd be great.
Get ready for some big
thighs when I get there.
Hey, Lana.
How's it going?
- What're following me?
- No! No!
I mean, uh, yeah, but uh.
I was just riding around and, I dunno,
what, what're you doing?
- Just cruising.
- Oh, cruisin' for a brusin'?
- Good one, Kevin.
- Where are you going?
- Think you can keep up?
("Colors" by Eric Burton)
- This is incredible.
- Yeah.
- You know, one day I'm
gonna buy a huge house
that has a view just like this.
- What if you didn't?
- What do you mean?
- Imagine never getting the big house.
How would your life be any different?
- I dunno, I mean I'd feel like a failure.
- Failure to who?
- To myself, to the people I care about.
- Is that what you
think people care about?
Mansions and pet tigers?
Jet skis and...
What do you care about, Kevin?
("In the Summer" by Jordan Hull)
Kevin, no!
Oh my God, stop it!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh no (yells).
- Oh, hold on.
You need me to move?
Where is it?
- Come sit with me.
- So did you let Lana paint you naked?
- Funny.
- You know she's my best friend, right?
You mess it up with here
and you're out of a job.
And I'll kick your ass.
There's that.
- Hey, hey relax.
I really, really like Lana.
And besides, I'm helping
with her art show tomorrow.
- She's gonna do it?
- Mm-hmm.
- You must've said something right,
I could never get her to do anything.
I'll let you off early from Pitch Fest.
- What is that thing anyways?
I feel like there's a
festival every week in here.
- Well this one is
basically a bunch of nerds
like you trying to sell
their souls to developers.
It's actually pretty entertaining.
Some people have some really bad ideas.
- I bet, I bet.
- Anyway yeah, I'll let you off early.
- Cool, cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(rockabilly music)
(phone rings)
- [Phone] Kevin, Kevin, your phone.
- What's crack-a-lackin'?
- Oh nothing, just at my house painting.
What's up with you?
- Just finishing up some work right now.
- That's cool.
You wanna come over later?
- Yeah, no I'm sorry I can't.
Kate and I, we have to
wake up like super early
for this catering thing.
- So you're gonna ditch me?
- No, no of course not.
I'm probably gonna finish on time.
- Okay, 'cause I need
you to help me setup.
- Consider it done.
- So it's called the Friend Zone app.
It let guys--
oh sorry.
- How many more of these?
How many more?
- It lets guys know when
they're in the friend zone,
'cause obviously they don't know
and they keep trying to call
(phone buzzes)
and call.
(phone buzzes)
And they still try to call me.
- Okay, thank you.
So how does this work?
- I dunno.
- Okay,
next we have Avery Smocklestocks,
with the smart phone breathalyzer.
- Now, look up now.
- What?
- You see that guy?
That guy in the pink shirt?
Yeah, I know him.
All I need is a badge, that's it.
- Well I need a career.
- Well we both do.
This is ridiculous.
We shoulda done pizza.
- Blow into it and it tells
you how trashed you are.
- So, how does it work.
- I mean I dunno, I thought you guys
were supposed to tell me.
- Oh my God...
Okay, thank you.
(crowd applauds)
- Hi, how can I help you?
- I'm here to get my badge.
- Your name?
- Uh, Dillard?
- Gotcha.
- Oh, thank you.
- Next, we have Pinky Stinkelhiemer
with True Superhero.
- Hello, my name is Pinky Noodlebaker
and I am here to show you my new app,
True Superhero.
- Is this your nephew or something?
- True Superhero is able to be
able to show you, even you, your favorite
super human and the possibility that he
can be your best friend.
From the low price of 2.99, even you
could exist as a super human in real life.
(crowd applauds)
- Dillard?
Psst, Dillard. Dillard!
You're up after this speech.
- Cool, thanks.
Oh don't, don't worry about it.
- We are lucky to be in the presence
in one of the godfathers
of web development.
Next, give it up for our
host, Steve Carmichael.
(crowd applauds)
- Youth hold the key to our future.
I met a kid the other day
that reminded me of myself.
He was young, bright,
he was full of ambition.
- Hey, he's talking about me
I was impressed.
There's only one difference.
He was so socially awkward.
His body language was like a
dog trapped in a sleeping bag.
- I don't understand that.
- And I thought, "How
could a guy like this ever
"get the nerve up to talk to girls?"
I mean how could this
guy ever have the balls
to talk to a women and
have any chance at all.
After talking to him
for a while I realized
he wasn't completely hopeless.
All he needed was a way to break the ice,
with Ice Breaker.
(man sneezes)
Bless you.
- [TV] Ever imagine yourself
on a deserted island with a
blonde, brunette, redhead?
- [Kevin] Shea, I'm coming in.
Shea where are you?
Where are you?
- Whoa, what're you doing?
What're you doing?
We need to talk about
your dad right now, okay?
Wait, who the hell are you!?
Who is this?
Wait seriously, you're cheating on me?
This is what's going on right now?
- Cheating on you?
Who do you think you are?
- Well we hooked up like three days ago
and you can't even contain yourself?
Who are you, man?
- You want a drink?
- No I don't want a drink.
You know what?
You know what, okay.
You and your dad deserve
each other, alright?
And you know what, you
see this stupid pear?
Yeah that stupid pear and you're as fake
as this little tiny fake apple, alright?
Oh, and you see the world through fake,
stupid sunglasses and that's why you don't
deserve them because they're stupid.
Yeah, catch!
- Are you done?
- Oh yeah, and I'm not
even close to being done.
You see this right here?
You see this Jenga?
Well Jenga, bitch.
Okay, let's do this.
- Are you done yet?
- Oh, okay?
You probably don't play
the freakin' guitar.
- No, okay, it was a gift!
- Oh, it was a gift?
Well watch this!
- Y'all get the cops over here,
I'm outta here.
- Oh, oh.
Don't you dare!
Don't you dare, I will call the cops.
I will call the cops on you.
Do not, don't.
(police siren wails)
(melancholic guitar music)
- Lana it's just--
- Just stop.
Just tell me the truth.
Who's Shea?
- Lana, I mean Shea is just--
Her dad was supposed to--
- Just stop.
I trusted you, Kevin.
- Lana, come on.
- Here's the money I made last night.
Minus your bail, of course.
Don't call me.
- I don't need this money, okay.
I'm just hanging onto it for you.
- No buddy, don't buy things online.
I once tried to get a
phone and they showed up
with a Swiss cheese package.
No, like the whole deal.
Knives and all.
Hold on one second.
- Hey, I tried to use my key.
- I tried to call you last night,
your week's up.
- What am I supposed to do?
- I mean I would love to have you stay,
but rules are rules.
You just gotta move on, bud.
- Okay, well here.
- I watched your bags for ya.
- Okay. Um...
- Well good luck out there.
You'll make it.
Just smile for 'em.
Be yourself.
Be that sweet little
prince I know you are.
- Stupid, stupid.
I mean like freakin' Nora Jones?
I mean she's probably just...
Voice is okay, I guess.
I mean it's better than mine.
Who's that guy with the fedora?
And he probably has a good
app, it's probably great.
Willy Nelson?
I mean what did he do?
He just smokes pot, but
I can't make an app.
I mean who am I?
I mean really, I mean please, please.
Lana! No!
(Kevin screams)
Oh sorry, I didn't see you there,
I'll just...
(Kevin sobs)
- You couldn't put more
babes in a single radius.
- Hey, can you y'all give me a ride?
- Whoa hang on, whoa, whoa, dude.
Where are you headed?
- I dunno, Lubbock.
Let's say that.
- Now we're talking.
- Wait, are you done?
- Yeah man, I'm done.
Going home.
- What you couldn't find
a couch to sleep on?
No one?
- No, I cannot.
- Wow, you know God invented
the world in seven days
and you couldn't make
one friend in a week.
- Thank you.
- I'm getting a bigger cut of this, Rocky.
- You really don't have to
worry, a lot of babes at bay.
- She bailed you out of jail!?
Oh my God, you blew it.
Okay, let's spitball some ideas here.
What do girls like?
Ryan Gosling, free
drinks, 80s dance parties.
- Wait, wait, what're we spitballing?
- Mimosas?
- Mimosas.
- Why are you spitballing ideas?
- Because you want to get her back, right?
- No, dude--
- You blew it.
- No, you don't understand.
This is a lose-lose situation.
She hates me, okay.
And I just gotta get outta here.
- Look, I know it's scary to put yourself
out there and be vulnerable, but like
if there's something you want,
you got to take risks.
Like there's a sacrifice you have to make
to find what you love.
Rocky, we've embarrassed ourselves.
- Absolutely.
- We embarrass ourselves everyday.
- Everyday.
- Every single day.
We're embarrassing ourselves right now,
as we speak.
- You wanna go to Lubbock?
- Okay, I'm not going on like a two-seater
Lubbock ride with Rocky.
I might.
(spiritual Indian music)
- Thank you for driving
me from the airport.
- Namaste, man.
- I just feel like the
universe is coming together,
we're getting back to Pangaea.
I really appreciate it.
I feel like the world has given its gift.
- Figured it's all karam.
You got a ride, and I
just got my girlfriend
back in New York after
she finagled a ticket
from some goober.
- Whoa, hold on.
- She's a spiritual goddess.
Makes me feel like a little child again.
She's like the mist from the alpine snow.
- Are you talking about Lampshade?
- You know Lampshade?
You met her.
- Yeah, I know Lampshade.
I'm the goober!
I bought the ticket.
- I'm sorry, look that stuff happens.
I was at this girl's house the other day,
she lives in a high-rise and I was about
to nut my load, and
that's probably bad karma,
but it's good karma for us.
I was just about to get
off when her boyfriend
smashes in and starts breaking everything
and the cops show up, I got
a warrant for my arrest.
I straight up based jumped out of there.
You just paid a little ticket price
and got to spend time with
a spiritual goddess, man.
Who's holy.
It's all good man.
I got blocked, okay?
Just like you.
- What goes around, comes around.
- Sure you got spiritual--
- I'm done.
- You're back.
- Are you leaving?
- I'm not, I've been waiting for you since
I got kicked out of the hostel, man.
- Why did you stay in a hostel for?
- 'Cause it's the only
place I could afford.
- Why didn't you just stay here?
You didn't see my note?
- What?
Yeah, I saw the note, but
the only thing it said
was that you left for India.
- No, like on the back of the note.
How did you not see that?
- Oh my God.
- So I've met the lead singer of this band
like 10 times, but he never remembers me.
I think he's always drunk
every time I meet him
and he hit on me once.
Gave me a free ride though,
that was pretty cool.
Okay, so which one are you gonna wear?
You gonna wear red with me?
We could both wear red.
- I went by his hotel and
all of his stuff was gone.
- Okay, so you like the purple one too?
That's what I heard, purple.
You gonna wear purple?
- Should I call him?
- Okay, so none of these, this.
Good, and no.
You're gonna stop worrying about it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Should I call him?
- Let me see.
No, you should put that dress on
and come to this concert
and get drunk with me.
Get a little silly,
you gonna get a little silly?
- How silly? How drunk?
- How drunk?
Like this drunk.
Like this drunk.
- Like this drunk?
- Kinda like this drunk.
We're gonna have a good time.
People be like, "Y'all
having a good time?"
We'll be like, "We're having a good time."
We're having such a good time.
You're stupid, put the
dress on, put this on.
(bong water splashes)
(Tyler coughs)
- Dude, she bailed you out of jail!
- Yeah.
- Damn, that is rough.
(video game noises)
That reminds me
of something my dad said.
He said love is like a fart.
You try to force it and you're
just gonna shit yourself.
He's divorced now, anyway.
- Have you ever been in love?
- Yeah, one time.
- So what'd you do?
- I never told her.
- Why not?
- She never told me.
I mean I made the right
moves, look at me, dude.
- Oh...
- You wanna go slip and slide, man?
You wanna set shit on fire or...
You wanna have a noodle race?
(phone rings)
- [Phone] Kevin.
- Honey, men are pigs.
What you need is a good woman.
- Amen to that.
(phone buzzes)
- Kate?
Hey, hey, where's Lana?
- We're at a concert.
Where are you?
- Wait, what concert are you at?
Dang it, Dadnobit, Lloyd
Doggit, son-of-a...
- Kevin?
- Dabnabbit, Doggotit,
biscuit eating bulldog!
Every freaking time.
You know it's never died,
but now it dies today!
- Hey, find your center man.
What's going on?
- My phone, it's freaking dead, okay?
- Just use mine.
- I can't, I don't know her phone number.
Wait, wait no.
She said she was at a concert somewhere.
- Alright, what concert?
- I dunno.
- Good luck man, there's like
40 concerts a night here.
- I gotta try, at least.
- Try what?
- I just don't know, okay?
- Just don't do what you're gonna do.
It's all about love, man.
("Jive Babe" by Mikhael Paskalev)
- So what did he say?
- Nothing really, he just asked
where you were and hung up.
- Well let me call him back.
- No, I tried Lana.
I think his phone's dead.
- Maybe he--
- No, no.
Lana, shh.
Forget about it, okay?
If he cared about you--
Gross Lana.
If he cared about you, he would be here.
- You know, he probably has a small dick.
- What?
You haven't seen it?
I bet he has a tiny penis.
- She blew him!
- It's like tootsie roll.
- He slept with another girl!
It's so, what's that about?
- He's a jerk.
- You know, you're probably right.
- I know, I know.
- I enjoy paying for art.
- Hey, hey.
- Sir, sir, okay.
Just let me explain.
- Wait, wait.
- Hey, Lana!
- Hey.
- She's right there!
- $15 to get in.
- Okay, okay. Fine.
Well you know what, I
don't have any money, okay?
But what I do have is a heart.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
You just made the biggest
mistake of your life, buddy.
- I doubt that.
(knuckles crack)
Get out!
- Let's just go dance.
- Yeah.
(crowd cheers)
- Oh my God!
What the--
Oh my God.
Get outta here.
It's a madman.
- I can't believe you did that.
- Lana, I don't know if you're there
or if you're in the bathroom or something,
but there's something I need to tell you
so please just listen to me.
- [Guy] Dork!
- Okay, you know what, I
can handle being a dork,
but what I can't handle is
never seeing Lana again,
so please just let me talk.
(organ piano)
Oh, thank you.
For all you people out
there, if you're with someone
you care about, someone that showed you
how to be yourself, then keep them
because that, my friends, is valuable.
That feeling is worth
far more than any car
or stupid app on your phone.
I met this girl this--
- [Lana] Kevin.
- Lana.
I don't know what you ever saw in me,
but I know what I see in you.
- Oh yeah, what's that?
(crowd cheers)
("We'll Get High" by Willie McGee)
- Sweet pink shirt, Kevin.
It's not pink, it's salmon.
(crowd cheers)
- Buster.
He's such a good guy.
He was so young.
I knew he had it in him!