Ick (2024) Movie Script
Wallace! What are you waiting on? A
trail of rose petals, princess?
Let's go!
We got a game to win!
Get your hand here!
A giant mansion with a giant pool that
has a bad hot tub that's connected to
this giant pool so I can swim from hot
to cold whenever I want.
Yes.
I love you, Cesar.
It holds ten songs.
I put all our favorites on it.
Let us change your life, kid.
Our little secret.
Can't move across the whole country.
I only left Eastbrook twice. Once for a
game in Bicklesburg and then once in
Bicklesburg by accident.
I should probably mark Bicklesburg
better.
Son, let me tell you a little story
about the Beatles.
They played about 250 shows in all these
little shitholes in and around the city
of Hamburg.
And you know how they became the biggest
band in the world?
In fact, they left him.
Hey,
why
don't you go dance with Ted Kemp?
Are you serious?
Yeah. He looks lonely.
America needs its traditions.
In words, it's just that I've had more
holes filled in her grandpa's bowling
ball. Take me home. Yeah.
Probably shouldn't, because, um, you
know, I'm, I'm thinking of you.
Going to Dr.
Jones. I can drive you.
on this drive.
Eastbrook needs this W against
Picklesburg. And break.
we're not fighting could it be
structure that's been apart from other
single -celled organisms.
Hello,
my old friend.
Living in the past, Hank?
You were a bright kid, even if you
didn't apply yourself.
I bet there's a lot more you could offer
Eastbrook High.
Uh, forget.
Forget your preconceptions about
bacterial reproduction.
Because most of it's asexual, which, you
know, you kids should all be.
You know, until true love or whatever.
And use protection.
Okay, let's see what kind of nasty bugs
live in our mouths.
I just need everybody to spit in this.
That's what your mom said.
Hey, come on, guys. Phones away. We have
important things to do.
Mr. Wallace?
Yeah, Grace?
What's on our phones is important.
Why aren't we talking about the ick?
Okay, great.
Let's talk about the ick.
There's no origin story for ick.
We didn't watch it arrive on a meteor or
escape from a government lab.
It's just here.
First, we hardly noticed.
But each day, year by year, it kept
growing.
It doesn't move, at least we don't
think.
It's stationary as a plant, growing,
spreading slowly.
It's omnipresent, but not bothersome
enough that cars can't drive down the
street. People can't go about their
usual routines.
Most folks choose to ignore the ick
altogether, hoping it just goes away.
Especially with rumors swirling that
it's starting to attack.
All right.
Bring up your future dishes on the desk,
please.
Have a good day.
Hey, Grace.
How's your mom?
Fine, Mr. Wallace.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
How's your mom?
Dead.
Despite protests by the school's safety
officer, this year's prompting the
millennial to get in the problematic
spirit by only consenting to 2000's
Did you see Charlie's TikTok about how
the ick is pure gluten?
What's gluten?
Check this out, Jasmine.
Straight up video of the asteroid that
brought the ink. That's the scene from
the movie Armageddon. We have to take
this problem seriously, not turn it into
meme.
Look, the ink is just frankenfood GMOs
set free from Monsanto Labs.
That's why I only eat organic.
Bro!
Cultural appropriate much?
I'm a 64th Cherokee with receipts, and
I'm telling you, Jay Guava wouldn't
approve of your capitalistic colonial
mindset, son.
Come on.
Almost lost my appetite.
We're joined now by our political panel.
Clearly, the ick disproportionately
affects black and brown voters. Well, I
heard the ick started in China.
Bad eating weirdos.
Maybe the government will send a team to
help clean it up.
Well, we're definitely not getting any
help.
Hola, Mr.
Hank.
Hola, Senora Diaz. Mi abuela.
She's, um, how do you say bruja? Your
grandma likes to make beer?
What a surprise. It's coming from the
ick -worshipping leftist cabal. You
kidding me?
Bruja is a witch. Mi abuela Bruja says
the ick is a gift from the gods. If
you're over in front of global warming.
Go.
The ick won't save us, Sofia.
It's vicious.
Are you staring at my boobs? No, I
wasn't staring at your boobs. That is so
inappropriate. You're a teacher.
You're kidding me again.
The ick does not move, mi amor.
Well, I know what I saw.
on the American voters is government
overreach. Well, you're right,
when the data is clear that vitamin D is
an effective... Oh, my God, I'm
pregnant. Have some class, you piece
of... Prom tickets are now available,
so am I. Taking all offers, even
gestures, I'm very lonely.
Well, Griffin, if he takes you to prom,
you'll let him play with your boots.
Okay. Wait, what? No. You want to spend
another summer doing steampunk cosplay
at the Ren Faire? How are we friends?
Hi.
Hey.
Watch your drawing.
Wow, that's really good.
What kind of monkey is that?
Uh, it's a regular monkey.
Huh.
Problems come up. I'll let you play with
my... Never mind.
This week's film close rating is Bella
Tarr's low cinema masterpiece, Sock and
Tango. Enjoy seven hours of Bulgarians
being sad in black and white. Or don't.
Let's go!
You ladies are moving slower than these
tar tentacles!
That's racist.
Attaboy.
I'm bored.
Is the ick gonna do anything?
It's been here, like, two months.
Jocelyn, the ick's been here for years.
Huh. I guess I just never really noticed
what it's doing here. What's anything
doing here?
This town sucks.
You girls smoking? No.
I'm good.
This takes a second.
I wrote a new poem.
Industrial Love Stink, number three.
Going for that Ginsberg vibe.
I mean, it's what I've... We're on,
like, 13 seconds, so I don't, like, care
anything.
But I'll probably minor in poetry when
we get to Overland next year.
I'm not going.
Babe. What, you're going to get off the
wait list? A wait list is a slow motion
swipe left of college admissions.
I'm not leaving Eastbrook. I'm staying
here.
So you just want to grow fat and old
eating Velveeta sandwiches like the rest
the proletariat?
Don't be off with my parents.
Hank, heaven knows I hate to jinx a
sale, but doesn't it seem kind of stupid
a... D -R -U -N -K.
To buy B -A -R.
Honey, Hank's smarter than he looks.
Thanks.
Hank. Do you guys think the ick is in
the plumbing and we're all drinking it?
Probably. Congratulations, Hank.
Cool. Thank you. Are we done? Can we go
home now? Grace, don't be rude.
Grace has been down in the dumps ever
since she got weightless to that
Thanks, Dad.
Tell the world what a loser I am. There
is no shame here.
As an Asian American, Grace had to score
150 points higher on the SATs than her
Caucasian counterparts just to be
considered for the same Ivy League. Now
wants to skip college entirely.
Yes, parents. Tell me more about me.
Delaying life never really works out.
That's why we see the dentist every six
months.
Fade with them from here.
Totes fave teach.
Mrs. Brown is my totes fave teach. Mrs.
Brown has booing gums. Grace is a
Capricorn. January 10th, she hates unmet
goals.
January? No, Grace is born in February.
Grace, are you not a python?
Don't tell Ted!
We're closed!
Why don't we celebrate?
December, November, October.
Fish, mercury, rice, carbs.
Chinese. She was conceived in April, not
May. MSG. All Asian food will kill you,
hon. We're Asian, dad.
I don't think so.
I don't think that Asian food is so bad.
You know?
I read it.
Oh, shoot. Well, you never know.
So I said to the salesman, this doesn't
look like Mojave ivory metallic to me.
And he said, Ted, you've got a real nose
for detail.
This is...
is iridium ivory metallic.
And since we fouled up and sold the
Mojave ivory metallic to a coke dealer
Wickelsburg, you can have the iridium
ivory metallic intended for him with
bulletproof UV protected windows at no
extra charge.
Louis Vuitton pepper spray for you to
fend off handsy college boys.
Hopefully you still get to use it. Think
about what you're saying for just
like... One goddamn second, Mom.
Great. Wouldn't you agree you need to
invest in your future? Sweetheart, Dr.
Kirk asks you to stop lecturing in the
form of a question. Darling, do you
recall Dr.
Kirk asking you to recognize my need to
process information my way?
That's wonderful, dear. It's delightful
having an expert's opinion on your
compulsive need for expensive toys.
Angel, Dr.
Kirk says my desire for beautiful things
is natural and healthy.
Well, I hope your car doesn't turn into
a pumpkin. Pumpkin.
Jesus!
Stop nice fighting.
Who cares about tans and luxury cars?
There's a monster on the lawn.
Monster swing?
UV light.
Fascinating, Captain.
All right, Hank.
It's go time.
Live from
NYC. Challenge.
Despite the viral TikTok trends we've
seen in America, school health officials
ask you to not lick the ick. And for the
love of God, do not do the ick.
This is what we in the industry call a
kick -ass letter of recommendation from
your toe -thick babe teach.
After some such a joy.
Grace,
no, it's to help you get off the wait
list.
My parents must be super desperate to
talk you into this.
Grace, hey, you know the Beatles, right?
The what?
The Beatles.
The Beatles spent three years in
Hamburg, okay?
But do you know how they became the best
band in the world? They had a unique
dual songwriting team in Lennon and
McCartney that accepted constructive
criticism resulting in albums with few
fillers alongside innovative marketing
with concept albums and music videos.
That's good.
Grace, you have so much potential.
That's the polite way of saying I'm not
good enough the way I am.
Yachtoon, you're old.
You know, Sofia, I've been practicing my
Spanish.
And I thought, maybe, perhaps you might
tutor me?
Paquito.
Paquito.
Quiero montar esta noche en mi cuchillo.
Do you use such filthy words to seduce
great Kim?
I will not go. Turn the lights off.
Carry me home.
Hey, Meowie.
I know you're still alive.
Buddy?
That's better, right?
Well,
hey. Long time, friend.
But, uh, bar's not even open yet.
Don't even have any booze.
Where's the key?
Okay. One more.
Then I'm cutting you off.
Never mind.
I'm gonna call you a doctor, right?
Thank you.
this nectar of the gun.
Fear not the plague. Use the rubber.
Bro, you gotta tell me which of these
bitches are legal.
Sarah Q, Ashley T, Tia, Tara, Mackenzie
G, Mackenzie F, Tori, Zoe, Amber, Why
does Mr. Wallace even give a shit
anyway?
Who does he think he is?
Maybe she's had enough. I'm fine.
Why don't you go find Heather? She is
madly in love with you.
Don't be a cop.
Hey, guys, guys.
Hank Walden?
Ah, man!
Guys, if you won't believe it, I can't
even explain it. There was a cat and a
man and a hick.
A hick. A hick.
A hick is horrible.
Hey, why don't you take a ride with us?
We're about to bust up a high school
kicker at the whole boy's house and
steal their beer. Party like we're 18
We even brought an old friend.
Yo.
The ancient one.
Oh, well,
we did have fun back in the day, boys,
but I'm going to have to say that I'm a
little too old for that these days.
And, you know, just saying this as a
friend, sometimes you got to admit when
have a problem.
I'm afraid we cannot allow you to be
such a wet blanket.
The old Hank Wallace was a dope bro.
What's with all this wee -wee -wee?
He never turned down the opportunity to
get turned up.
Not a lot of the old Hank Maffei things,
boys.
I've got a big surprise for you.
Hank.
She's been asking for you, Hank.
Sophia. Mr. Hank.
Mi amor.
I don't think so.
En espaol, por favor.
Just one.
What?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Possessed is an ugly word for such a
beautiful experience.
The icksies are valued. We were chosen.
For those it does not value, it
consumes.
You can't take it off me. I'll never
move to the Cowboys again.
It's overwhelming and numbing.
Yeah. That's why we gotta leave
Eastbrook.
Eastbrook? No.
I'm talking about the ick.
I think the ick is watching us.
Did you see Celeste is rocking cornrows
on Insta?
Someone has to stop her.
This isn't a joke, Dylan.
No, it isn't, Grace.
Cultural colonialism is literal
violence.
The ick never stole the hair of my
people.
Look, I'm gonna go make a round.
Who are you snapping?
Was it that nose guard from Wittelsburg?
Backstabbing, ho.
Great, listen to me. The cops are coming
to break up the party at Hobart's. If
you're there, you need to leave now.
Okay, you're in danger. In case I never
see you again, I need you to know that
I... I might be your dad.
Hey, oh, we had sex that one time, and
trust me, you ain't nobody's daddy,
Didn't you say you was moving to Kansas?
This is gross.
Yeah, this is not a good time. I gotta
go. I'm in Kansas.
Hypnotizing I am.
Captivated I am.
Vindicated! I am selfish!
I am wrong!
I am right! I swear I'm right!
Thanks
for
saying you liked my monkey.
Your regular monkey?
All right, Darcy.
10 minutes of heat from you to me.
It's killing people. It's eating them
alive.
Everyone has to get to safety.
Mr. Wallace, I know a man who could use
a beer when I see one. Just grab
yourself a cup. God damn it.
Do you kids all want to be zombies?
And not the cool, sexy kind like in
Harry Potter?
Take it rolling, thug.
I'm talking the demonic, soulless type.
Grace, Grace.
Get out of here. We gotta go. What the
hell?
Take your pervy minutes off her.
Look, Dylan, I don't expect you to
understand.
I just have to get her out of here.
Oh, I get it.
Screwed the mom, now you've got to screw
the daughter.
That's some real Freudian noise.
Weird old damn.
Hey, don't be ableist. Okay.
Look, just because you threw a ball a
billion years ago doesn't make you
special. I can throw a ball, and when
I'm gone, someone else will throw a
Nothing means nothing.
Go.
Please.
when it was just getting good.
That's gotta hurt.
Am I right?
I think the way Jason talks to you is
totally misogynistic.
I mean, calling you a hoe?
Personally, I don't see gender. If I
did, I would worship women.
That doesn't make any sense.
Gender binary doesn't make sense to me.
Monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy to
keep women oppressed and survive.
Now let's get nasty.
You are going to bang a teenager, stud.
How much are you going to miss all these
knuckleheads after you graduate?
Well, my favorite French modernist, my
fellow shard, said,
we give each other memories when we
leave each other.
Yeah, I have no idea what you just said.
And that is why you are the coolest girl
in Eastbrook.
I'm not calling for that again, douche
novel.
No, I'm just kidding!
I think I'm going to Picklesburg next
weekend. I've never been.
It's a capuchin.
What? My regular monkey.
It's called a capuchin.
I like that.
It wasn't me.
W, is someone watching you tinkle?
Listen up, scum suck.
Exposing pedos is extremely our shit.
Don't let it touch you. Obviously.
Whoa, Mr. Wallace?
Oh,
man.
Debra, I'm sorry I called you a hoe.
Hey, what's the most important location
in this town?
My name is Dr.
Althea Prentiss, and I am in charge of
the federal response in this state. Now,
the governor has spoken to your mayor,
and we have been ordered out of
to our main mission. We are not
abandoning you, Eastbrook. I'm leaving
contingent to fortify this building.
I suggest that you stay inside there.
We cannot help you if you go outside.
What could be more important than the
taxpayers of Eastbrook?
We're headed to Wickelsburg to protect
their hydroelectric dam.
Dang. Wickelsburg.
Here's what we know so far.
After decades in stasis, the
intercellular kinoplasm known as ICK
has reached its kinetic state.
How long will that last? We don't know
for certain, but we are estimating
four to eight years.
No, please, people, listen to me, listen
to me. The government cannot save you
right now, okay? We simply do not have
the resources, not without raising
Big government socialism.
Oh, come on, coach.
You come to the school at $5 ,000 to get
a jacuzzi in the boys' locker room.
Oh, so football is socialism now, Hank?
You make me sick. People of East, listen
to me, okay?
Barricade your doors and your windows,
okay?
Stop up your sinks and your drains.
And for God's sake, please, again, do
not go outside.
Our kids can still go to prom tomorrow,
right?
Uh, yeah. You should definitely cancel
prom.
My daughter is going to be prom queen.
How dare you try to take that away from
us? Ma 'am, I am not trying to take
anything away from anybody.
I am just merely saying that this
information... Children died last night.
False flag.
Process actors.
Ted Kim.
Kim Real Estate. If I may.
What? I think we're all on the same page
here, Doctor.
East Brookings need our lives to proceed
as normal.
Otherwise, see it win.
Wouldn't you agree, Doctor Prentiss?
No.
Well, I'm sure we agree that's just your
opinion.
And wouldn't you also agree that we are
entitled to our opinions?
Hell no!
Don't go outside!
But the fact that an average Joe like me
can step up and have his ideas
respected as equal to an expert, that's
what makes this country really super.
Listen up, you ruse.
You've got to take responsibility for
your own...
If they wanted to build a mosque, they'd
take it
seriously. Oh, Dr. Prentiss, please
wait.
You're absolutely right about the
dangers of the ick. I've experienced
firsthand. I'm Hank Wallace, a science
teacher here in Eastbrook. I have a
theory about the ick.
Please. You're right about the ick going
through a new stage of growth.
But it's also going through a stage of
active cellular respiration. However, it
still maintains a stage of
photosynthesis.
Meaning, it still has to hibernate.
And that is how we kill the ick.
See, because it's eukaryote. And it
collects UV light, converts it into
energy.
But it can't convert and collect at the
same time.
That's why it only grows in the dark,
outside and inside.
But UV light, UV light, man, stops dead
in its tracks.
Wow. Yeah.
Hold that thought. Okay.
Phone. Keep going.
Hello, Mr. President.
My God.
Yes. Eastbrook High School science
teacher has presented the precise
breakthrough we need to win this whole
damn war.
UV light, sir.
No, no one has considered it before.
All right.
You think he deserves a Nobel Prize?
Well, please, sir, transfer me to the
King of Sweden.
You can stop now. Hello? Is this Carl
Gustav, King of Sweden and presenter of
Nobel Prizes? I'll just go.
Sir, what do you mean there's no Nobel
Prize for super obvious shit we figured
out from day one?
We know about the UV light dipshit.
It's a goddamn plant.
Unfortunately, due to our supply chain,
we have a limited quantity of bulbs.
And all of our surplus has been shipped
to... Don't say it.
Nicholsburg.
Her name is Noelle.
I have a dream about her. She rings my
bell.
I got you in class in half an hour. Oh,
how she rocks.
But she doesn't know who I am.
What the globalists don't want you to
know is that eating it gives men
extreme sexual...
You will gain technical power!
I'll show you! I'll prove it to you
right now! You gotta take a look at
We're skipping the vaccine. The it
boosts all of our immune systems by
positive gut probiotics or whatever into
the air.
Oh. Oh.
I think I got it on my shoe.
Look, I know what y 'all are going to
say.
Hank, you're an alcoholic.
What the hell are you doing opening a
bar?
On the contrary, Hank.
We want you to do whatever makes you
happy. Live a little. Let go.
Surrender to a higher power.
Come.
Never crave alcohol again.
No pee.
No bliss.
Suck it up on me!
The sun was way too bright today.
I've been thinking, babe, I support your
decision to stay in Eastbrook.
This is a wonderful town.
What's gotten into you?
One way up in the backseat.
Don't take that the wrong way, but you
totally look like shit.
My appearance is all that matters.
So sexually normative, babe.
We shouldn't be out here at night.
It's just Fugo's panopticon.
Fear gets you from joy.
Stay down, kid.
You, Mr. Waller.
Hey, you okay?
Want a ride?
Green!
I'm sorry!
Okay? Hey, go throw a ball, kid.
You know, Grace, some boys in the animal
kingdom... Oh, I don't need to hear
about the birds and the bees, Mr.
Waller. I'm 18.
Not the birds and the bees.
The wasp and the tarantula.
The female hawk wasp, when she is ready
to lay her eggs, she paralyzes the
tarantula with her stinger that then
lays her eggs in its abdomen.
When the larvae are ready to hatch, they
eat the tarantula from the inside out.
You know what I mean? That being
pregnant is like getting eaten alive by
parasite?
What I mean is, I think Dylan is trying
to put something inside you.
He's already put it inside me.
Ah, did not need to hear that.
I think Dylan is infected.
With what?
Did you see his athletic physical?
I swear, he gave me the clap after he
promised.
What's happening?
It's in the engine.
Are you okay?
I think so.
Shit. Fuck.
I surround you.
Please don't post this.
I'm texting my cousin. He dragged the
tow truck.
Oh, nice.
Well, in the meantime, we could get to
know each other a little. You know, have
a... A bonding sesh. Oh, my gosh.
So awkward.
Well, you know, we might have a lot in
common. You know, like, um... What's
fave animal?
Um, mine is... Mine's a narwhal.
Penguins are also... Keep coming on to
Wallace, and you'll be sorry. No warning
shots.
I could never, ever... I'm incapable of
thinking of you that way.
Hmm.
It all makes sense now.
It does.
Right? You're gay.
Hard to believe you could take an hour
over dial -up to get a video. Was that
before or after your family died of
cholera? Ha ha, laugh it up.
One day you'll be explaining Instagram
to your cyborg children. Got any food?
Starving.
Weird.
Oh, yeah. Well, ever been to a
steakhouse? You know, aged beef that
tenderness and the flavor?
I can't believe you're a science
teacher. I wanted to be an English
all the positions were filled.
It was a wait list.
Not enough science degrees.
It's really lame.
Maybe Daddy.
Are you maybe somebody's baby daddy, Mr.
Wallace?
Knock up a cheerleader back in your
swinging dick days.
No, this can't be happening.
My asshole dad is my asshole dad, not
this upside -down asshole.
There's no easy way to explain this,
Grace.
But you don't exactly look, you know,
and your dad is, you know, and you are,
you know, and you better hold on to
something.
So 18 years later, it finally occurred
to you that I might be your daughter?
I just thought it was impossible.
I thought that you were conceived too
late, and I figured that half the town
could be your father. Wow. I just mean
that your mom probably had sex with a
of people. Yeah, yeah, I got that.
Thanks.
Hey, you could just think about me as
like your cool uncle, right? Who takes
to Disney World and Parenthood. Stop it.
I'm not some dude bro's fugitive
chromosome. Dude bro?
But, but... But nothing.
You're not my dad.
And even if you are, you never will be.
Wow.
I'm having, like, total dj vu.
No, it's not worse.
Luke, Darth, Father.
Please, God, say I'm not related to this
moron.
You know, I didn't want this. I didn't
mean for this to happen. Cool.
Never happened.
My cousin's on his way. Oh, cool, cool.
You know, but... Shut up. We don't have
to talk, you know. Silence is golden.
Silence is golden.
But, um...
Great. Itch.
Leave me alone!
You should leave.
No, shit!
You should leave Eastbrook and you
should change your mind about going to
college. Why? I'm not leaving. You
leave.
Yeah, I... I tried.
Are you dadding me right now?
I know it's scary to think about
leaving.
I get that. Really, I do.
But, you know, big cities are filled
with amazing things.
You know, like museums and... Fancy
restaurants and Dave and... Busters?
You are dadding me right now.
What do you want with a teenage daughter
anyway? We're complicated and mean.
I don't think I really have much of a
choice here. Will you stop saying that?
Look, do you really want to be the only
florist with a 1500 on her SATs?
Look, moron.
You can't come into my life after 18
years and suddenly claim me like a value
-backed coupon.
Where were you when I skinned my knee?
Or when my guinea pig died?
Or when the boy I like asked another
girl to homecoming?
You can't beat Disney dad, Mr. Wallace.
You don't know shit about me.
And you sure as hell don't know shit
about family.
Family is why I stayed in Eastbrook.
Don't make the same mistake that I did,
Grace.
You know, it took me a long time to
realize that family and Eastbrook are
the same thing.
In fact, Eastbrook kind of sucks.
How does family?
Sometimes.
But you know, family is kind of like a
band, and Eastbrook is like the best
of all time. The Beatles.
Creep.
It's hard to imagine a more perfect
album than Human Clay.
But then the band broke up soon after.
Band always breaks up.
But you, Grace, you.
Our Scott staff.
Who the fuck is Creed?
I'm not your daughter.
Are you kidding me, young lady?
Shut up, Jack. Mr.
Waller.
The mole. What? The penicillin. What are
you saying?
See?
Penicillin was created when moles got
into a petri dish and released a toxin
into the bacteria that the scientists
were growing.
Ha -ha! Eat your poison!
Uh, we're not working.
Quit thinking, Dr. Science.
Let it go!
I'll let it go this time, Grace, but
cigarettes?
The ick, you idiot! Let it go!
Plane thrower, please.
I'm out.
Chris,
are you okay?
Let's get the hell out of here.
And stay away from my mom if she ends up
single.
I thought I found the road somewhere.
Is this possible?
It's the ick.
It absorbed me into the earth all those
years ago.
This town.
This country.
This whole rotten planet.
It's fallen apart at the seams.
The ick is the thread that will pull it
back together.
Well, good luck.
It's going to take a lot more than some
lab -grown goo to...
Fix all that.
Or maybe you're bacteria.
I don't know.
Alien.
It's a program, son.
And I'll tell you what that program is.
Yeah.
A program of chaos that rewrites itself,
breaks its rules, creates
the fear of the random.
You will never know how it works.
Its goal is contradiction and confusion.
No rhyme or reason. Because it
overwhelms.
Some it devours.
Some it resurrects.
You will ignore it and do nothing.
From a world of many, we all become ick.
It can fix anything, son.
Anything.
It can even fix that leg of yours.
It's not my leg that's broken.
Not your first swing and miss.
What I want to know is why nobody cares
that we're in danger.
Danger from what?
The ick attacked me.
Babe, the ick attacked everyone.
The very
best moments of my life were on this
field.
And the very worst.
Dreams of going to college, NFL, owning
a mansion in Beverly Hills, a vacation
house in France, and a series of Viagra
commercials, wearing a flannel,
chopping wood for Crystal Blue Lake.
And you.
I lost it all right here.
Don't be so dramatic.
Disgrace my daughter.
What?
No.
Is that why you dragged me out here?
Daisy, just wait, please.
Hey.
Can you just give me this one thing,
please?
Just tell me that's possible.
It's absolutely impossible.
Grace, don't ever think my death is your
fault.
I've wanted this for a long time.
Consider me your cautionary tale.
Don't repeat my mistakes.
Find happiness wherever you can.
Grab it.
And never let go.
Dead frickin' Kim.
Hello, Eastboro guys.
We're gonna start this night off right.
This next song takes me back to 2002.
Paris Hilton recorded her first thick
tape.
American Steel really? 9 -11?
Never forget!
What a prick.
Live and let live.
Nice shirt.
You think maybe we should barricade the
doors, you know, in case of the ick? No,
the government will take care of it. The
ick is an agent of natural selection.
Next generation is going to be faster,
smarter, probably get some good
cornerbacks out of it.
Baby, the rubber broke.
Baby, there was no rubber.
Heather,
ask him to dance now.
Would you like that?
I'd love to.
I'm... I'm not going over the next year.
What?
I'm staying here.
I... I want to be with you forever.
God damn this song, Rips.
Great.
you do them
What the heck are you wearing? Ted, you
gotta get out of here. No can do, buddy.
Gotta make sure the kids do Dairy Queen
and get home safe. That's an EDM outfit,
isn't it?
Ted, the ick is coming.
The ick?
It's already here.
Besides, where will we go?
It's everywhere else, too.
Ted, let's get my daughter into safety.
You're the daughter?
Maybe.
Ted.
About Stacy.
Grace, my daughter.
Hey, we're going to die. Maybe now's a
good time to get something up. You're
Jeff. Yeah.
The egg.
Oh, damn it. The windows are UV
protected.
Screw you, Mercedes.
I'll break the glass.
Bulletproof glass.
It needs bulletproof glass.
And it is broke. You threw it in free.
Fuck, Mercedes.
Look, Hank.
About Grace.
She...
No for ick or no for green.
Yes, just for wick.
America needs its traditions.
Don't you love me? I'm staying in
Eastbrook for you.
Dylan. You're right, babe.
We need to fix this town, not run from
it. No.
Are you serious?
Grace.
Don't have sex with him. Are you
serious? You can have sex with a million
that's what you want. It's not. Just not
with him, okay? He is it.
The old white guy saving the virginity
of a helpless female?
No.
I'm okay with it.
That's mouth -to -mouth football, kid.
Sorry about your bra.
Hey, Grace, I really do want you to have
a meaningful, safe relationship with
boys, you know?
So not the time for this talk.
They say we're infected, but I'll show
you them the ones who are truly
Infected by anger, by pain, insecurity,
jealousy.
Inside.
More playing around, Grace.
Time to embrace our future.
Hey!
Hey, kid.
That might sting a little.
Mr. Wallace, I'm going to reach down
your throat, squeeze your colon, and
you inside out.
You know what your problem is, Dylan?
You're a phony.
You haven't read half the shit you
quote.
You summarize for Wikipedia and we'll
book this like a weapon.
You're a sad...
Pathetic asshole without an original
thought.
You're just like everyone else.
I need to tell you something. Yeah, I
know. You might be my dad. You told me
already. No.
It's about your real parents.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We're gonna die.
Not here. Where?
No, I mean, we're leaving Eastbrook.
Alive. You and me and the regular monkey
It feels like the heartbreak will never
end.
But, um, I'm here for you, Grace.
Heather! Griffin! You're a couple!
Mr. Wolfe.
All right.
Better get out of here. Find some place
to be.
Allergen. Stadium lights emit UV
radiation.
Not as much as the sun or a black light,
but...
Hopefully enough to keep us safe.
Arm yourselves.
Whatever you can carry.
Get ready for a fight!
Come on.
You could have just opened it.
I mean, that was super dramatic and all,
but... Now I have to crawl over broken
glass.
Patch the wires.
Flip all the switches.
Where are you going?
I have to go back out. Turn on the
circuit breakers. Without them, there's
power flowing to the halogens.
Good luck.
Don't die.
That was super weird.
Are you a Mr. Wallace?
It's complicated.
None of my business.
You can do better.
So much snow.
Oh, hey!
Thanks for looking after our little
girl!
Hi,
sweetie. Time to join.
Daddy!
I can't, you know, relatively.
Come to the light!
I want it to be over. He's dead. He
should be at peace.
It's not him, Grace.
Everything's going to be okay.
We have to go!
I've been chipping them forever.
Come on.
Real quick.
Second base.
Grace, I need to tell you something.
Whether or not you're my actual
daughter, I'm so proud of you.
I'm so glad.
That you're in my life.
Are we done now, or... Hey!
High school okay?
Definitely not.
Y 'all hear what happened to
Gigglesburg?
Damn close.
Hotel was washed away.
Dang.
Gigglesburg.
What now?
So, how's the new job?
Lucrative. Yeah.
Turns out all the economy needed was
math suffering.
I'm leaving.
Yeah.
I figured.
After all this time, I still don't know
what to call you.
Mr. Wallace.
Dad.
Don't say teach.
I don't know.
Well, technically, we still don't know.
Maybe it's better not to know.
Yeah.
Maybe it's not.
Like father, like maybe daughter.
Hey, hey!
Well, I knew you'd be here.
Got something for you. Hold on. All
right. Hit, hit!
Oh, come on! Because he played football!
I was a quarterback.
The government's in turmoil.
Nobody's seen the president in two
months.
And yet, the mailman delivers.
Neither rain, nor sleep, nor ick.
I nailed it in.
Grace.
Are you ready?
No.
But what the hell.
Let's open it anyway.
trail of rose petals, princess?
Let's go!
We got a game to win!
Get your hand here!
A giant mansion with a giant pool that
has a bad hot tub that's connected to
this giant pool so I can swim from hot
to cold whenever I want.
Yes.
I love you, Cesar.
It holds ten songs.
I put all our favorites on it.
Let us change your life, kid.
Our little secret.
Can't move across the whole country.
I only left Eastbrook twice. Once for a
game in Bicklesburg and then once in
Bicklesburg by accident.
I should probably mark Bicklesburg
better.
Son, let me tell you a little story
about the Beatles.
They played about 250 shows in all these
little shitholes in and around the city
of Hamburg.
And you know how they became the biggest
band in the world?
In fact, they left him.
Hey,
why
don't you go dance with Ted Kemp?
Are you serious?
Yeah. He looks lonely.
America needs its traditions.
In words, it's just that I've had more
holes filled in her grandpa's bowling
ball. Take me home. Yeah.
Probably shouldn't, because, um, you
know, I'm, I'm thinking of you.
Going to Dr.
Jones. I can drive you.
on this drive.
Eastbrook needs this W against
Picklesburg. And break.
we're not fighting could it be
structure that's been apart from other
single -celled organisms.
Hello,
my old friend.
Living in the past, Hank?
You were a bright kid, even if you
didn't apply yourself.
I bet there's a lot more you could offer
Eastbrook High.
Uh, forget.
Forget your preconceptions about
bacterial reproduction.
Because most of it's asexual, which, you
know, you kids should all be.
You know, until true love or whatever.
And use protection.
Okay, let's see what kind of nasty bugs
live in our mouths.
I just need everybody to spit in this.
That's what your mom said.
Hey, come on, guys. Phones away. We have
important things to do.
Mr. Wallace?
Yeah, Grace?
What's on our phones is important.
Why aren't we talking about the ick?
Okay, great.
Let's talk about the ick.
There's no origin story for ick.
We didn't watch it arrive on a meteor or
escape from a government lab.
It's just here.
First, we hardly noticed.
But each day, year by year, it kept
growing.
It doesn't move, at least we don't
think.
It's stationary as a plant, growing,
spreading slowly.
It's omnipresent, but not bothersome
enough that cars can't drive down the
street. People can't go about their
usual routines.
Most folks choose to ignore the ick
altogether, hoping it just goes away.
Especially with rumors swirling that
it's starting to attack.
All right.
Bring up your future dishes on the desk,
please.
Have a good day.
Hey, Grace.
How's your mom?
Fine, Mr. Wallace.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
How's your mom?
Dead.
Despite protests by the school's safety
officer, this year's prompting the
millennial to get in the problematic
spirit by only consenting to 2000's
Did you see Charlie's TikTok about how
the ick is pure gluten?
What's gluten?
Check this out, Jasmine.
Straight up video of the asteroid that
brought the ink. That's the scene from
the movie Armageddon. We have to take
this problem seriously, not turn it into
meme.
Look, the ink is just frankenfood GMOs
set free from Monsanto Labs.
That's why I only eat organic.
Bro!
Cultural appropriate much?
I'm a 64th Cherokee with receipts, and
I'm telling you, Jay Guava wouldn't
approve of your capitalistic colonial
mindset, son.
Come on.
Almost lost my appetite.
We're joined now by our political panel.
Clearly, the ick disproportionately
affects black and brown voters. Well, I
heard the ick started in China.
Bad eating weirdos.
Maybe the government will send a team to
help clean it up.
Well, we're definitely not getting any
help.
Hola, Mr.
Hank.
Hola, Senora Diaz. Mi abuela.
She's, um, how do you say bruja? Your
grandma likes to make beer?
What a surprise. It's coming from the
ick -worshipping leftist cabal. You
kidding me?
Bruja is a witch. Mi abuela Bruja says
the ick is a gift from the gods. If
you're over in front of global warming.
Go.
The ick won't save us, Sofia.
It's vicious.
Are you staring at my boobs? No, I
wasn't staring at your boobs. That is so
inappropriate. You're a teacher.
You're kidding me again.
The ick does not move, mi amor.
Well, I know what I saw.
on the American voters is government
overreach. Well, you're right,
when the data is clear that vitamin D is
an effective... Oh, my God, I'm
pregnant. Have some class, you piece
of... Prom tickets are now available,
so am I. Taking all offers, even
gestures, I'm very lonely.
Well, Griffin, if he takes you to prom,
you'll let him play with your boots.
Okay. Wait, what? No. You want to spend
another summer doing steampunk cosplay
at the Ren Faire? How are we friends?
Hi.
Hey.
Watch your drawing.
Wow, that's really good.
What kind of monkey is that?
Uh, it's a regular monkey.
Huh.
Problems come up. I'll let you play with
my... Never mind.
This week's film close rating is Bella
Tarr's low cinema masterpiece, Sock and
Tango. Enjoy seven hours of Bulgarians
being sad in black and white. Or don't.
Let's go!
You ladies are moving slower than these
tar tentacles!
That's racist.
Attaboy.
I'm bored.
Is the ick gonna do anything?
It's been here, like, two months.
Jocelyn, the ick's been here for years.
Huh. I guess I just never really noticed
what it's doing here. What's anything
doing here?
This town sucks.
You girls smoking? No.
I'm good.
This takes a second.
I wrote a new poem.
Industrial Love Stink, number three.
Going for that Ginsberg vibe.
I mean, it's what I've... We're on,
like, 13 seconds, so I don't, like, care
anything.
But I'll probably minor in poetry when
we get to Overland next year.
I'm not going.
Babe. What, you're going to get off the
wait list? A wait list is a slow motion
swipe left of college admissions.
I'm not leaving Eastbrook. I'm staying
here.
So you just want to grow fat and old
eating Velveeta sandwiches like the rest
the proletariat?
Don't be off with my parents.
Hank, heaven knows I hate to jinx a
sale, but doesn't it seem kind of stupid
a... D -R -U -N -K.
To buy B -A -R.
Honey, Hank's smarter than he looks.
Thanks.
Hank. Do you guys think the ick is in
the plumbing and we're all drinking it?
Probably. Congratulations, Hank.
Cool. Thank you. Are we done? Can we go
home now? Grace, don't be rude.
Grace has been down in the dumps ever
since she got weightless to that
Thanks, Dad.
Tell the world what a loser I am. There
is no shame here.
As an Asian American, Grace had to score
150 points higher on the SATs than her
Caucasian counterparts just to be
considered for the same Ivy League. Now
wants to skip college entirely.
Yes, parents. Tell me more about me.
Delaying life never really works out.
That's why we see the dentist every six
months.
Fade with them from here.
Totes fave teach.
Mrs. Brown is my totes fave teach. Mrs.
Brown has booing gums. Grace is a
Capricorn. January 10th, she hates unmet
goals.
January? No, Grace is born in February.
Grace, are you not a python?
Don't tell Ted!
We're closed!
Why don't we celebrate?
December, November, October.
Fish, mercury, rice, carbs.
Chinese. She was conceived in April, not
May. MSG. All Asian food will kill you,
hon. We're Asian, dad.
I don't think so.
I don't think that Asian food is so bad.
You know?
I read it.
Oh, shoot. Well, you never know.
So I said to the salesman, this doesn't
look like Mojave ivory metallic to me.
And he said, Ted, you've got a real nose
for detail.
This is...
is iridium ivory metallic.
And since we fouled up and sold the
Mojave ivory metallic to a coke dealer
Wickelsburg, you can have the iridium
ivory metallic intended for him with
bulletproof UV protected windows at no
extra charge.
Louis Vuitton pepper spray for you to
fend off handsy college boys.
Hopefully you still get to use it. Think
about what you're saying for just
like... One goddamn second, Mom.
Great. Wouldn't you agree you need to
invest in your future? Sweetheart, Dr.
Kirk asks you to stop lecturing in the
form of a question. Darling, do you
recall Dr.
Kirk asking you to recognize my need to
process information my way?
That's wonderful, dear. It's delightful
having an expert's opinion on your
compulsive need for expensive toys.
Angel, Dr.
Kirk says my desire for beautiful things
is natural and healthy.
Well, I hope your car doesn't turn into
a pumpkin. Pumpkin.
Jesus!
Stop nice fighting.
Who cares about tans and luxury cars?
There's a monster on the lawn.
Monster swing?
UV light.
Fascinating, Captain.
All right, Hank.
It's go time.
Live from
NYC. Challenge.
Despite the viral TikTok trends we've
seen in America, school health officials
ask you to not lick the ick. And for the
love of God, do not do the ick.
This is what we in the industry call a
kick -ass letter of recommendation from
your toe -thick babe teach.
After some such a joy.
Grace,
no, it's to help you get off the wait
list.
My parents must be super desperate to
talk you into this.
Grace, hey, you know the Beatles, right?
The what?
The Beatles.
The Beatles spent three years in
Hamburg, okay?
But do you know how they became the best
band in the world? They had a unique
dual songwriting team in Lennon and
McCartney that accepted constructive
criticism resulting in albums with few
fillers alongside innovative marketing
with concept albums and music videos.
That's good.
Grace, you have so much potential.
That's the polite way of saying I'm not
good enough the way I am.
Yachtoon, you're old.
You know, Sofia, I've been practicing my
Spanish.
And I thought, maybe, perhaps you might
tutor me?
Paquito.
Paquito.
Quiero montar esta noche en mi cuchillo.
Do you use such filthy words to seduce
great Kim?
I will not go. Turn the lights off.
Carry me home.
Hey, Meowie.
I know you're still alive.
Buddy?
That's better, right?
Well,
hey. Long time, friend.
But, uh, bar's not even open yet.
Don't even have any booze.
Where's the key?
Okay. One more.
Then I'm cutting you off.
Never mind.
I'm gonna call you a doctor, right?
Thank you.
this nectar of the gun.
Fear not the plague. Use the rubber.
Bro, you gotta tell me which of these
bitches are legal.
Sarah Q, Ashley T, Tia, Tara, Mackenzie
G, Mackenzie F, Tori, Zoe, Amber, Why
does Mr. Wallace even give a shit
anyway?
Who does he think he is?
Maybe she's had enough. I'm fine.
Why don't you go find Heather? She is
madly in love with you.
Don't be a cop.
Hey, guys, guys.
Hank Walden?
Ah, man!
Guys, if you won't believe it, I can't
even explain it. There was a cat and a
man and a hick.
A hick. A hick.
A hick is horrible.
Hey, why don't you take a ride with us?
We're about to bust up a high school
kicker at the whole boy's house and
steal their beer. Party like we're 18
We even brought an old friend.
Yo.
The ancient one.
Oh, well,
we did have fun back in the day, boys,
but I'm going to have to say that I'm a
little too old for that these days.
And, you know, just saying this as a
friend, sometimes you got to admit when
have a problem.
I'm afraid we cannot allow you to be
such a wet blanket.
The old Hank Wallace was a dope bro.
What's with all this wee -wee -wee?
He never turned down the opportunity to
get turned up.
Not a lot of the old Hank Maffei things,
boys.
I've got a big surprise for you.
Hank.
She's been asking for you, Hank.
Sophia. Mr. Hank.
Mi amor.
I don't think so.
En espaol, por favor.
Just one.
What?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Possessed is an ugly word for such a
beautiful experience.
The icksies are valued. We were chosen.
For those it does not value, it
consumes.
You can't take it off me. I'll never
move to the Cowboys again.
It's overwhelming and numbing.
Yeah. That's why we gotta leave
Eastbrook.
Eastbrook? No.
I'm talking about the ick.
I think the ick is watching us.
Did you see Celeste is rocking cornrows
on Insta?
Someone has to stop her.
This isn't a joke, Dylan.
No, it isn't, Grace.
Cultural colonialism is literal
violence.
The ick never stole the hair of my
people.
Look, I'm gonna go make a round.
Who are you snapping?
Was it that nose guard from Wittelsburg?
Backstabbing, ho.
Great, listen to me. The cops are coming
to break up the party at Hobart's. If
you're there, you need to leave now.
Okay, you're in danger. In case I never
see you again, I need you to know that
I... I might be your dad.
Hey, oh, we had sex that one time, and
trust me, you ain't nobody's daddy,
Didn't you say you was moving to Kansas?
This is gross.
Yeah, this is not a good time. I gotta
go. I'm in Kansas.
Hypnotizing I am.
Captivated I am.
Vindicated! I am selfish!
I am wrong!
I am right! I swear I'm right!
Thanks
for
saying you liked my monkey.
Your regular monkey?
All right, Darcy.
10 minutes of heat from you to me.
It's killing people. It's eating them
alive.
Everyone has to get to safety.
Mr. Wallace, I know a man who could use
a beer when I see one. Just grab
yourself a cup. God damn it.
Do you kids all want to be zombies?
And not the cool, sexy kind like in
Harry Potter?
Take it rolling, thug.
I'm talking the demonic, soulless type.
Grace, Grace.
Get out of here. We gotta go. What the
hell?
Take your pervy minutes off her.
Look, Dylan, I don't expect you to
understand.
I just have to get her out of here.
Oh, I get it.
Screwed the mom, now you've got to screw
the daughter.
That's some real Freudian noise.
Weird old damn.
Hey, don't be ableist. Okay.
Look, just because you threw a ball a
billion years ago doesn't make you
special. I can throw a ball, and when
I'm gone, someone else will throw a
Nothing means nothing.
Go.
Please.
when it was just getting good.
That's gotta hurt.
Am I right?
I think the way Jason talks to you is
totally misogynistic.
I mean, calling you a hoe?
Personally, I don't see gender. If I
did, I would worship women.
That doesn't make any sense.
Gender binary doesn't make sense to me.
Monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy to
keep women oppressed and survive.
Now let's get nasty.
You are going to bang a teenager, stud.
How much are you going to miss all these
knuckleheads after you graduate?
Well, my favorite French modernist, my
fellow shard, said,
we give each other memories when we
leave each other.
Yeah, I have no idea what you just said.
And that is why you are the coolest girl
in Eastbrook.
I'm not calling for that again, douche
novel.
No, I'm just kidding!
I think I'm going to Picklesburg next
weekend. I've never been.
It's a capuchin.
What? My regular monkey.
It's called a capuchin.
I like that.
It wasn't me.
W, is someone watching you tinkle?
Listen up, scum suck.
Exposing pedos is extremely our shit.
Don't let it touch you. Obviously.
Whoa, Mr. Wallace?
Oh,
man.
Debra, I'm sorry I called you a hoe.
Hey, what's the most important location
in this town?
My name is Dr.
Althea Prentiss, and I am in charge of
the federal response in this state. Now,
the governor has spoken to your mayor,
and we have been ordered out of
to our main mission. We are not
abandoning you, Eastbrook. I'm leaving
contingent to fortify this building.
I suggest that you stay inside there.
We cannot help you if you go outside.
What could be more important than the
taxpayers of Eastbrook?
We're headed to Wickelsburg to protect
their hydroelectric dam.
Dang. Wickelsburg.
Here's what we know so far.
After decades in stasis, the
intercellular kinoplasm known as ICK
has reached its kinetic state.
How long will that last? We don't know
for certain, but we are estimating
four to eight years.
No, please, people, listen to me, listen
to me. The government cannot save you
right now, okay? We simply do not have
the resources, not without raising
Big government socialism.
Oh, come on, coach.
You come to the school at $5 ,000 to get
a jacuzzi in the boys' locker room.
Oh, so football is socialism now, Hank?
You make me sick. People of East, listen
to me, okay?
Barricade your doors and your windows,
okay?
Stop up your sinks and your drains.
And for God's sake, please, again, do
not go outside.
Our kids can still go to prom tomorrow,
right?
Uh, yeah. You should definitely cancel
prom.
My daughter is going to be prom queen.
How dare you try to take that away from
us? Ma 'am, I am not trying to take
anything away from anybody.
I am just merely saying that this
information... Children died last night.
False flag.
Process actors.
Ted Kim.
Kim Real Estate. If I may.
What? I think we're all on the same page
here, Doctor.
East Brookings need our lives to proceed
as normal.
Otherwise, see it win.
Wouldn't you agree, Doctor Prentiss?
No.
Well, I'm sure we agree that's just your
opinion.
And wouldn't you also agree that we are
entitled to our opinions?
Hell no!
Don't go outside!
But the fact that an average Joe like me
can step up and have his ideas
respected as equal to an expert, that's
what makes this country really super.
Listen up, you ruse.
You've got to take responsibility for
your own...
If they wanted to build a mosque, they'd
take it
seriously. Oh, Dr. Prentiss, please
wait.
You're absolutely right about the
dangers of the ick. I've experienced
firsthand. I'm Hank Wallace, a science
teacher here in Eastbrook. I have a
theory about the ick.
Please. You're right about the ick going
through a new stage of growth.
But it's also going through a stage of
active cellular respiration. However, it
still maintains a stage of
photosynthesis.
Meaning, it still has to hibernate.
And that is how we kill the ick.
See, because it's eukaryote. And it
collects UV light, converts it into
energy.
But it can't convert and collect at the
same time.
That's why it only grows in the dark,
outside and inside.
But UV light, UV light, man, stops dead
in its tracks.
Wow. Yeah.
Hold that thought. Okay.
Phone. Keep going.
Hello, Mr. President.
My God.
Yes. Eastbrook High School science
teacher has presented the precise
breakthrough we need to win this whole
damn war.
UV light, sir.
No, no one has considered it before.
All right.
You think he deserves a Nobel Prize?
Well, please, sir, transfer me to the
King of Sweden.
You can stop now. Hello? Is this Carl
Gustav, King of Sweden and presenter of
Nobel Prizes? I'll just go.
Sir, what do you mean there's no Nobel
Prize for super obvious shit we figured
out from day one?
We know about the UV light dipshit.
It's a goddamn plant.
Unfortunately, due to our supply chain,
we have a limited quantity of bulbs.
And all of our surplus has been shipped
to... Don't say it.
Nicholsburg.
Her name is Noelle.
I have a dream about her. She rings my
bell.
I got you in class in half an hour. Oh,
how she rocks.
But she doesn't know who I am.
What the globalists don't want you to
know is that eating it gives men
extreme sexual...
You will gain technical power!
I'll show you! I'll prove it to you
right now! You gotta take a look at
We're skipping the vaccine. The it
boosts all of our immune systems by
positive gut probiotics or whatever into
the air.
Oh. Oh.
I think I got it on my shoe.
Look, I know what y 'all are going to
say.
Hank, you're an alcoholic.
What the hell are you doing opening a
bar?
On the contrary, Hank.
We want you to do whatever makes you
happy. Live a little. Let go.
Surrender to a higher power.
Come.
Never crave alcohol again.
No pee.
No bliss.
Suck it up on me!
The sun was way too bright today.
I've been thinking, babe, I support your
decision to stay in Eastbrook.
This is a wonderful town.
What's gotten into you?
One way up in the backseat.
Don't take that the wrong way, but you
totally look like shit.
My appearance is all that matters.
So sexually normative, babe.
We shouldn't be out here at night.
It's just Fugo's panopticon.
Fear gets you from joy.
Stay down, kid.
You, Mr. Waller.
Hey, you okay?
Want a ride?
Green!
I'm sorry!
Okay? Hey, go throw a ball, kid.
You know, Grace, some boys in the animal
kingdom... Oh, I don't need to hear
about the birds and the bees, Mr.
Waller. I'm 18.
Not the birds and the bees.
The wasp and the tarantula.
The female hawk wasp, when she is ready
to lay her eggs, she paralyzes the
tarantula with her stinger that then
lays her eggs in its abdomen.
When the larvae are ready to hatch, they
eat the tarantula from the inside out.
You know what I mean? That being
pregnant is like getting eaten alive by
parasite?
What I mean is, I think Dylan is trying
to put something inside you.
He's already put it inside me.
Ah, did not need to hear that.
I think Dylan is infected.
With what?
Did you see his athletic physical?
I swear, he gave me the clap after he
promised.
What's happening?
It's in the engine.
Are you okay?
I think so.
Shit. Fuck.
I surround you.
Please don't post this.
I'm texting my cousin. He dragged the
tow truck.
Oh, nice.
Well, in the meantime, we could get to
know each other a little. You know, have
a... A bonding sesh. Oh, my gosh.
So awkward.
Well, you know, we might have a lot in
common. You know, like, um... What's
fave animal?
Um, mine is... Mine's a narwhal.
Penguins are also... Keep coming on to
Wallace, and you'll be sorry. No warning
shots.
I could never, ever... I'm incapable of
thinking of you that way.
Hmm.
It all makes sense now.
It does.
Right? You're gay.
Hard to believe you could take an hour
over dial -up to get a video. Was that
before or after your family died of
cholera? Ha ha, laugh it up.
One day you'll be explaining Instagram
to your cyborg children. Got any food?
Starving.
Weird.
Oh, yeah. Well, ever been to a
steakhouse? You know, aged beef that
tenderness and the flavor?
I can't believe you're a science
teacher. I wanted to be an English
all the positions were filled.
It was a wait list.
Not enough science degrees.
It's really lame.
Maybe Daddy.
Are you maybe somebody's baby daddy, Mr.
Wallace?
Knock up a cheerleader back in your
swinging dick days.
No, this can't be happening.
My asshole dad is my asshole dad, not
this upside -down asshole.
There's no easy way to explain this,
Grace.
But you don't exactly look, you know,
and your dad is, you know, and you are,
you know, and you better hold on to
something.
So 18 years later, it finally occurred
to you that I might be your daughter?
I just thought it was impossible.
I thought that you were conceived too
late, and I figured that half the town
could be your father. Wow. I just mean
that your mom probably had sex with a
of people. Yeah, yeah, I got that.
Thanks.
Hey, you could just think about me as
like your cool uncle, right? Who takes
to Disney World and Parenthood. Stop it.
I'm not some dude bro's fugitive
chromosome. Dude bro?
But, but... But nothing.
You're not my dad.
And even if you are, you never will be.
Wow.
I'm having, like, total dj vu.
No, it's not worse.
Luke, Darth, Father.
Please, God, say I'm not related to this
moron.
You know, I didn't want this. I didn't
mean for this to happen. Cool.
Never happened.
My cousin's on his way. Oh, cool, cool.
You know, but... Shut up. We don't have
to talk, you know. Silence is golden.
Silence is golden.
But, um...
Great. Itch.
Leave me alone!
You should leave.
No, shit!
You should leave Eastbrook and you
should change your mind about going to
college. Why? I'm not leaving. You
leave.
Yeah, I... I tried.
Are you dadding me right now?
I know it's scary to think about
leaving.
I get that. Really, I do.
But, you know, big cities are filled
with amazing things.
You know, like museums and... Fancy
restaurants and Dave and... Busters?
You are dadding me right now.
What do you want with a teenage daughter
anyway? We're complicated and mean.
I don't think I really have much of a
choice here. Will you stop saying that?
Look, do you really want to be the only
florist with a 1500 on her SATs?
Look, moron.
You can't come into my life after 18
years and suddenly claim me like a value
-backed coupon.
Where were you when I skinned my knee?
Or when my guinea pig died?
Or when the boy I like asked another
girl to homecoming?
You can't beat Disney dad, Mr. Wallace.
You don't know shit about me.
And you sure as hell don't know shit
about family.
Family is why I stayed in Eastbrook.
Don't make the same mistake that I did,
Grace.
You know, it took me a long time to
realize that family and Eastbrook are
the same thing.
In fact, Eastbrook kind of sucks.
How does family?
Sometimes.
But you know, family is kind of like a
band, and Eastbrook is like the best
of all time. The Beatles.
Creep.
It's hard to imagine a more perfect
album than Human Clay.
But then the band broke up soon after.
Band always breaks up.
But you, Grace, you.
Our Scott staff.
Who the fuck is Creed?
I'm not your daughter.
Are you kidding me, young lady?
Shut up, Jack. Mr.
Waller.
The mole. What? The penicillin. What are
you saying?
See?
Penicillin was created when moles got
into a petri dish and released a toxin
into the bacteria that the scientists
were growing.
Ha -ha! Eat your poison!
Uh, we're not working.
Quit thinking, Dr. Science.
Let it go!
I'll let it go this time, Grace, but
cigarettes?
The ick, you idiot! Let it go!
Plane thrower, please.
I'm out.
Chris,
are you okay?
Let's get the hell out of here.
And stay away from my mom if she ends up
single.
I thought I found the road somewhere.
Is this possible?
It's the ick.
It absorbed me into the earth all those
years ago.
This town.
This country.
This whole rotten planet.
It's fallen apart at the seams.
The ick is the thread that will pull it
back together.
Well, good luck.
It's going to take a lot more than some
lab -grown goo to...
Fix all that.
Or maybe you're bacteria.
I don't know.
Alien.
It's a program, son.
And I'll tell you what that program is.
Yeah.
A program of chaos that rewrites itself,
breaks its rules, creates
the fear of the random.
You will never know how it works.
Its goal is contradiction and confusion.
No rhyme or reason. Because it
overwhelms.
Some it devours.
Some it resurrects.
You will ignore it and do nothing.
From a world of many, we all become ick.
It can fix anything, son.
Anything.
It can even fix that leg of yours.
It's not my leg that's broken.
Not your first swing and miss.
What I want to know is why nobody cares
that we're in danger.
Danger from what?
The ick attacked me.
Babe, the ick attacked everyone.
The very
best moments of my life were on this
field.
And the very worst.
Dreams of going to college, NFL, owning
a mansion in Beverly Hills, a vacation
house in France, and a series of Viagra
commercials, wearing a flannel,
chopping wood for Crystal Blue Lake.
And you.
I lost it all right here.
Don't be so dramatic.
Disgrace my daughter.
What?
No.
Is that why you dragged me out here?
Daisy, just wait, please.
Hey.
Can you just give me this one thing,
please?
Just tell me that's possible.
It's absolutely impossible.
Grace, don't ever think my death is your
fault.
I've wanted this for a long time.
Consider me your cautionary tale.
Don't repeat my mistakes.
Find happiness wherever you can.
Grab it.
And never let go.
Dead frickin' Kim.
Hello, Eastboro guys.
We're gonna start this night off right.
This next song takes me back to 2002.
Paris Hilton recorded her first thick
tape.
American Steel really? 9 -11?
Never forget!
What a prick.
Live and let live.
Nice shirt.
You think maybe we should barricade the
doors, you know, in case of the ick? No,
the government will take care of it. The
ick is an agent of natural selection.
Next generation is going to be faster,
smarter, probably get some good
cornerbacks out of it.
Baby, the rubber broke.
Baby, there was no rubber.
Heather,
ask him to dance now.
Would you like that?
I'd love to.
I'm... I'm not going over the next year.
What?
I'm staying here.
I... I want to be with you forever.
God damn this song, Rips.
Great.
you do them
What the heck are you wearing? Ted, you
gotta get out of here. No can do, buddy.
Gotta make sure the kids do Dairy Queen
and get home safe. That's an EDM outfit,
isn't it?
Ted, the ick is coming.
The ick?
It's already here.
Besides, where will we go?
It's everywhere else, too.
Ted, let's get my daughter into safety.
You're the daughter?
Maybe.
Ted.
About Stacy.
Grace, my daughter.
Hey, we're going to die. Maybe now's a
good time to get something up. You're
Jeff. Yeah.
The egg.
Oh, damn it. The windows are UV
protected.
Screw you, Mercedes.
I'll break the glass.
Bulletproof glass.
It needs bulletproof glass.
And it is broke. You threw it in free.
Fuck, Mercedes.
Look, Hank.
About Grace.
She...
No for ick or no for green.
Yes, just for wick.
America needs its traditions.
Don't you love me? I'm staying in
Eastbrook for you.
Dylan. You're right, babe.
We need to fix this town, not run from
it. No.
Are you serious?
Grace.
Don't have sex with him. Are you
serious? You can have sex with a million
that's what you want. It's not. Just not
with him, okay? He is it.
The old white guy saving the virginity
of a helpless female?
No.
I'm okay with it.
That's mouth -to -mouth football, kid.
Sorry about your bra.
Hey, Grace, I really do want you to have
a meaningful, safe relationship with
boys, you know?
So not the time for this talk.
They say we're infected, but I'll show
you them the ones who are truly
Infected by anger, by pain, insecurity,
jealousy.
Inside.
More playing around, Grace.
Time to embrace our future.
Hey!
Hey, kid.
That might sting a little.
Mr. Wallace, I'm going to reach down
your throat, squeeze your colon, and
you inside out.
You know what your problem is, Dylan?
You're a phony.
You haven't read half the shit you
quote.
You summarize for Wikipedia and we'll
book this like a weapon.
You're a sad...
Pathetic asshole without an original
thought.
You're just like everyone else.
I need to tell you something. Yeah, I
know. You might be my dad. You told me
already. No.
It's about your real parents.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We're gonna die.
Not here. Where?
No, I mean, we're leaving Eastbrook.
Alive. You and me and the regular monkey
It feels like the heartbreak will never
end.
But, um, I'm here for you, Grace.
Heather! Griffin! You're a couple!
Mr. Wolfe.
All right.
Better get out of here. Find some place
to be.
Allergen. Stadium lights emit UV
radiation.
Not as much as the sun or a black light,
but...
Hopefully enough to keep us safe.
Arm yourselves.
Whatever you can carry.
Get ready for a fight!
Come on.
You could have just opened it.
I mean, that was super dramatic and all,
but... Now I have to crawl over broken
glass.
Patch the wires.
Flip all the switches.
Where are you going?
I have to go back out. Turn on the
circuit breakers. Without them, there's
power flowing to the halogens.
Good luck.
Don't die.
That was super weird.
Are you a Mr. Wallace?
It's complicated.
None of my business.
You can do better.
So much snow.
Oh, hey!
Thanks for looking after our little
girl!
Hi,
sweetie. Time to join.
Daddy!
I can't, you know, relatively.
Come to the light!
I want it to be over. He's dead. He
should be at peace.
It's not him, Grace.
Everything's going to be okay.
We have to go!
I've been chipping them forever.
Come on.
Real quick.
Second base.
Grace, I need to tell you something.
Whether or not you're my actual
daughter, I'm so proud of you.
I'm so glad.
That you're in my life.
Are we done now, or... Hey!
High school okay?
Definitely not.
Y 'all hear what happened to
Gigglesburg?
Damn close.
Hotel was washed away.
Dang.
Gigglesburg.
What now?
So, how's the new job?
Lucrative. Yeah.
Turns out all the economy needed was
math suffering.
I'm leaving.
Yeah.
I figured.
After all this time, I still don't know
what to call you.
Mr. Wallace.
Dad.
Don't say teach.
I don't know.
Well, technically, we still don't know.
Maybe it's better not to know.
Yeah.
Maybe it's not.
Like father, like maybe daughter.
Hey, hey!
Well, I knew you'd be here.
Got something for you. Hold on. All
right. Hit, hit!
Oh, come on! Because he played football!
I was a quarterback.
The government's in turmoil.
Nobody's seen the president in two
months.
And yet, the mailman delivers.
Neither rain, nor sleep, nor ick.
I nailed it in.
Grace.
Are you ready?
No.
But what the hell.
Let's open it anyway.