Ideal Home (2018) Movie Script

[knocking on door]
[police siren blaring
in distance]
[pounding on door]
[police radio chatter]
[man] Albuquerque police.
Open the door, please.
Dad, wake up, wake up.
Wake up!
- [sighs]
- [pounding on door]
Albuquerque police, open up.
All right, we gotta go.
All right.
Get your shoes on.
- [man] Open up.
- [pounding on door]
Piece of shit knocks me around,
then steals my Chanel purse?
That was real fucking Chanel!
I have some Chanel loafers
that I love,
so I totally get it.
Open up, please, right now.
- Why am I doing this?
- Stop asking questions.
- [siren wailing in distance]
- That's good. That's good.
[both grunt]
- Oh, goddamn it.
- What's happening?
Oh. Goddamn it.
Inside the cover of that Bible,
there's an address in Santa Fe.
- Get in a cab and go there.
- No!
Listen, it's better than
Child Protective Services.
You gotta trust me on that one.
All right, hey, look at me.
I know I'm not the best dad
in the world,
all right, but I love you.
[both grunt]
Goddamn it.
What the hell was that for?
You fucked everything up!
Get down on the ground!
Down on the ground!
I'm not resisting!
I'm not resisting!
Oh, hello!
And good morning.
Have you never been invited
to a ranchero breakfast?
Well, my friends, on this
glorious day, you are in luck.
- Because we...
- [man] Are you okay?
You're leaning.
It's a Western saddle.
I can't sit forward
like the English.
Cowboys sit back on their
haunches up against the cantle.
Oh! Ugh!
Oh, God.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I think so.
You know, we don't have to do
the scene on horseback.
I want to.
It's... it's important.
It adds to the masculinity.
It adds to the grandeur.
Well, that's true.
- Are you being facetious?
- Mm-hmm.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You are a gentleman.
You really are.
God knows they're in short
supply around here.
Oh, my God.
Would you quit flirting
with him?
It makes him feel awkward,
and he's straight.
No, it makes you feel awkward,
and he's gay.
Well, it makes everyone
feel awkward
watching you act
like a weird old woman.
No, you're a weird
old woman.
You want
to know something?
I could've worked for
Rachel Ray, and she's nice.
[vocalizes in mocking tone]
How about we just take it
from the first line?
I'd be delighted.
[male AD] All right,
everyone back to one.
Step aside, son.
[engine starts]
[siren whoops]
[siren wails, fades]
This is a Basque oven paddle
that I have repurposed
as a tapas tray.
I like to serve
my stuffed paquillo peppers
on the back of a horse.
Mind you, a vaquero breakfast
needn't be on a vast rancho.
When we return,
I'll show you how you can cook
some of this gorgeous food
in your own little kitchen.
Dig in, amigos.
Manny, you old cock hound.
I didn't see you there.
You can't say "cock hound"
on basic cable.
Get rid of
the terra-cotta pots. Yuck.
Ditto the galvanized tin.
Please, please remove the ghastly
bandannas from the goblets.
You, young man, put your camera
there pointing that way.
Look at him.
He's like
the gay Butch Cassidy
except not Butch.
If only we had a producer
who understood that objects
exist in a space.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
If only you came
to production meetings
to communicate
your ideas in advance.
Oh, but that would cut
into your rigorous drinking
and masturbation schedule.
Do you guys do this at home?
Oh, no, we don't get along
this well at home.
Why don't you leave him?
I probably will.
But, you know,
part of me wants
to stick around
just to watch him die.
Oh, can we call a truce?
Thank you.
When have you ever
called for a truce?
You realize you're starting
an argument about a truce.
I think you are manipulative
and passive-aggressive,
and the truce starts now.
Ah! My favorite Mexicans.
Me llamo Mexico.
[woman] So we just got back
from Machu Picchu,
and there's nothing there.
Not impressed. Not impressed.
It just looks like
the Flintstones village.
I'm like, "This is it?
This is it?"
- Not impressed. Zero stars.
- What do you like?
- I like Epcot.
- [scoffs]
Bobby Flay,
I like him as a person.
You know he's
one of my best friends.
No, no,
no don't get me wrong.
He's got a wonderful face
and, you know...
[stammers] marvelous chutzpah.
Are you from LA?
I'm the mayor.
Wait, what?
- Of Santa Fe.
- Oh, I love that.
This close
to the border of Syria.
You can hear the gunfire.
You hear people screaming.
But the za'atar chicken
was the best I've ever had.
- Mouthwatering.
- And the screaming children
didn't bother
the food at all?
- Apples and oranges.
- You got to eat.
It's the city of holy faith...
- Oh.
- Santa Fe.
That's so cool.
I love that.
And I'm like, "Hey, asshole,
the fucking Dalai Lama
gave me that purse."
[glass clinks]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please join me in a toast
to two of the finest
hosts in Santa Fe.
What am I talking about?
The world.
Paul, Erasmus.
And if I may interrupt there,
Mr. Mayor,
let's not forget
all the little people,
all the worker bees
out there whoever they are.
- The little people.
- [all] Hear, hear.
Well put.
- I am with such an asshole.
- [laughter]
I love an asshole.
So to speak.
Cheers to that.
- Cheers to that!
- Double cheers!
[indistinct conversations]
[woman 1] I mean, it is Santa Fe, right?
It's a little on the nose.
I just get sick
of all the turquoise.
It gets a little over...
I mean, no disrespect.
- You look great.
- [woman 2] Thanks.
Oh, hello, who are you?
Oh. Erasmus.
Well, someone can't spell
my name.
"Dear Arosmus.
This is your grandson."
Is... Is your father here?
Was he here?
Has he gone? Wh...?
What's your name?
Um, do you have a name?
Um, can we get
another chair, please?
- [woman chuckles]
- [man] Please.
Is that all you have
with you?
Well, we've got a Bible.
Some cash.
And a bag of cocaine.
All anyone really
needs in life, eh?
- [people chuckle]
- No clothes, I see.
I'll call the store.
They're about to close.
Oh. Oh, good.
[clears throat]
Um, everyone,
it would appear
this little chap
is my grandson.
The truth is,
Sandy Koufax had a huge dong.
- [man] Really?
- [woman] Huge dong. Legendary.
- Legendarily huge dong.
- [woman 2] Is that true?
That is true. For a Jew.
Excuse me.
You have a grandson?
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
I mean, look.
I've had no work done.
I only found out you had
a son a few years ago.
He's estranged.
I told you about him.
No, not really.
Well, back in the '80s
when I was experimenting,
I had a liaison with a woman
which resulted in a baby...
which she wanted to keep.
And... This is
all very murky.
I was probably off my tits
on Quaaludes.
Remember them?
What a blast.
Anywho, before you came along,
darling, I had a son called Bo
who dropped out of school,
developed a drug problem.
He even OD'ed at my book launch
in New York.
No. How embarrassing
for you.
Well, it was.
Anna Wintour was there.
Where's the father?
According to the note,
he's in jail.
Yes, he's in jail.
- So he's moving in?
- Just keep an eye on him.
We can't have a kid.
We couldn't even handle
that little rat bastard
Yorkshire Terrier.
Thank God for that coyote.
Problem solved,
but a kid's too much.
Calm down, I'm sure someone
from Social Services
will turn up on the doorstep
and tell us where we stand.
Just take one of your pills.
Why don't you take
one of your pills?
That reminds me.
What are we going
to do about this?
I mean,
I don't do cocaine anymore,
but it seems such
a dreadful waste.
We could put it in one
of Tatyana's charity auctions.
- Perfect.
- I'm kidding.
We'd go to jail.
Do you want a blow job?
- We have guests.
- Yes, you're right.
[man] Have a good night, guys.
Thanks so much.
Hey. So people are going
so you can deal with the kid.
No. Don't go, Kate.
No. I have a bleaching
in the morning.
For my teeth.
Everyone is leaving.
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.
Just tell us
what you want,
and someone will make it
for you.
I want Taco Bell.
Let's just go to the kitchen.
Maybe we can...
Don't touch me!
It's all right.
It's okay.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Okay, would you
nut up for second?
Here's what
you're going to do.
You're going to get
the mayor a shot of mescal.
You're going to ask the editor
of El Decor to dance.
I'm going to tell Gustavo
to play some tangos
and get Tino to take
that feral child the Taco Bell.
Then you're going to go
to the front door,
tell everybody to come back
because you got me
a birthday cake,
we're going to sing,
and there's cocaine.
Yes, but I haven't,
and it's not your birthday.
It is your birthday.
Go. Go. Go.
Hey, everyone!
I've got cocaine
and birthday cake!
[dance music playing
over speakers]
[dance music fades]
[Erasmus] Well, this would be
the point where you say,
"Erasmus, it's marvelous!"
It's like staying
at a five-star resort!
I look like
a fucking asshole in these.
All right, come on.
Bedtime. Let's go.
Lights on or off?
I don't care.
Hey, hey...
Never say that.
You should always
care passionately
about every single choice
you make in your life.
Good night.
We're locking our doors.
That kid scares
the shit out of me.
- Oh, I think he's sweet.
- Really?
Well, people thought
Jeffrey Dahmer was sweet
till he raped them
and ate them.
I'm sure it's just
a temporary arrangement.
What if it's not?
Well, would that be
such a bad thing?
My parents were
such drunkaholic messes.
I was 11 years old before
I realized my father's name
"that fucking bastard."
Heh. You told me
that joke before.
I'm so sorry. I'll try
and work on some new material.
Thank you.
They were terrible parents,
and I don't want
to be a terrible parent.
- No one's asking you to be.
- Oh, God.
I feel like I'm going to have
one of my things.
- What things?
- My panic things.
I shouldn't have done blow.
I'm such a douchebag.
- Well, take one of your pills.
- I did.
You know, the editor
of El Decor was dancing
like her
life depended on it.
If she'd gone home early,
the party would've been
a disaster.
We should check in,
make sure everything's okay.
What, with the editor?
Hmm? No, the kid.
Oh, he'll be fast asleep.
We should check in,
make sure
he hasn't stolen anything.
What the hell?
Hey, kid?
What's his name again?
I told you a dozen times,
I don't know.
Kid! K...
Should I call the police?
[Erasmus] No, it's okay,
they're all here. They're safe.
No, not because of your
kachina doll collection.
- Because the kid is missing.
- Oh. Paul.
[Erasmus] Maybe one of us
should take the car into town
- and have a look around.
- Meaning me?
Well, one of us
has got to stay here.
Meaning you?
Thank God.
I need a drink.
Oh, God.
Hey, hey.
- [groans]
- It's okay.
You gave us a scare, kid.
Get away from me, you fag.
[door opens]
So what'd the lawyer say?
Nothing, really, just that
the father is in custody,
the mother is dead,
and they're gonna send
someone round
from Social Services.
We can't have a kid.
We don't like kids.
Stop calling him a kid.
He's a child. A kid a baby goat.
I'd rather have a baby goat.
Baby goats are cute.
Baby goats won't come and visit
you when you're old and lonely.
Besides, didn't you organize
that Mexican
children charity
or something?
Look, I love helping
children in the abstract,
but I don't want one
in the house.
Well, at any rate, we have
to send it to school.
- Really?
- Yeah, it's the law.
And it gets him out
of the house for the day.
Oh, hello.
We would like to enroll
this young man.
All right.
And what is his name?
Would you excuse us,
Oh, I see you've discovered
one of my favorite contraptions.
These are such fun.
Let's have a look.
Hmm. You might want to vary
your expression a bit.
Scoot along.
Join in with me if you like.
I like to do one happy...
one angry...
one silly...
and one just looking off
into the middle distance,
about something.
Now we've got
a bit of an awkward wait.
Oh, look at those.
We're hilarious.
What would you like
to do now?
[scanner beeping]
Having a party?
And where have you been?
Ugh. In the editing room.
Trying to make something viable
out of your insane
on-camera ramblings.
Paul, do you know that
huge store called Way Mart
or Mall Mart,
something on Cirrillos?
Yeah, of course. It's owned
by some crazy conservatives.
You shouldn't shop there.
I thought it was nirvana.
Everything was so inexpensive.
The effect was intoxicating.
As intoxicating as that
giant tumbler of tequila?
But in a different way.
- [Paul] He should be in bed.
- Why?
Because it's 2:00
in the morning.
He doesn't have school
in the morning.
I know, because
we haven't enrolled him
because we don't know
his name.
Have a tequila.
Oh. I'm so tired.
Oh. I'm so tired.
[Erasmus and boy laugh]
Hey, kid.
I know you're having fun,
but it's very late.
Why don't you turn off the TV?
Let's get you to bed.
Thanks, buddy.
Maana, piranha.
Are you mad at me?
Getting a nightcap?
Some tea.
Did you see the photo
for the dust jacket?
Yes, I did.
What do you think?
This is why you need me.
You really, really should have
let me look over these
before you chose the cover,
because you look like
a person with a mental handicap.
No creature smiles this hard
in all of nature.
I do.
When you make me laugh.
[makes retching sound]
That was cruel.
[tea kettle whistling]
The kettle's boiling.
So to speak.
[whistling stops]
Fuck the tea.
[door buzzer buzzes
in distance]
[door buzzer buzzes]
Well, hello.
I assume the kid
got to you okay.
Yes. Yes, he's here
with me now.
You brought him here?
Yes, of course.
He wants to see you.
What, are you insane?
He can't see me like this.
Don't be ridiculous.
Want a Rolo?
That's littering.
So, we don't do that.
Pick it up.
Pick it up.
Don't bring him back here. It's
gonna screw him up in the head.
Like every decision
you haven't made already
hasn't screwed him up.
Hey, I don't need any shit
from you.
You're going to take it,
young man,
because Paul and I
are looking after your child.
- Who is Paul?
- Paul is my male companion,
and he has been
for the last 10 years.
You have the problem
with that?
Well, anyway,
we brought him here
so that
you could see each other
and to reassure you
that he's being
well taken care of
in your absence.
You're welcome.
What would I thank you for?
Where were you
when I was 10 years old?
I could've used you then.
And now you come back here
with your scarf
around your neck and think
you're saving the day?
It's called kerchief.
You're not the hero of me
and my son's story, all right?
You're a last resort.
Wait. What's his name?
[door buzzer buzzes]
I wrote it in the Bible.
Wait. What?
So, it turns out
the county
won't allow visits
from children today.
But the lady out front
said that it was...
additional paperwork.
- [sighs]
- I have a great idea.
Why don't we go
to a video arcade
- and then get some ice cream?
- [Erasmus] Yeah.
Or we could go to
the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum,
and afterwards
have a nice salad.
- [boy] Yes! Yes!
- [Paul] Yes! Fuck you!
- You saw that, didn't you?!
- Nice shot! Nice shot!
- Yes!
- [gunfire]
Excuse me... sweetheart.
We don't fold throws.
It's too fussy.
We want it be more casual,
so we drape it
like a woman reclining, thus.
Yes, you mustn't make it
seem as if you put
- too much thought into it.
- Exactly so.
It shouldn't look like
it's been placed there.
- It should look like it's...
- [both] Just appeared.
- Yes, like a...
- Cyst.
- ...rainbow or a...
- Cancer cell.
- Perfect.
- That's wrong.
Excuse us.
Uh. Excuse me.
Look, the Bible.
From Bo, remember?
He said he left a note.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I thought you'd found God.
Um, "It's Bo. Remember me?
This is grandson.
"Mother is dead.
I got trouble/jail.
Take care of him.
He's Angel."
He's really got something
against articles of speech.
[electronic explosions]
Is your name Angel?
Why didn't you tell us?
I don't like it.
No one likes their name.
No, can you imagine
how I felt
on my first day at school
when the teacher
called out
a Erasmus Dickey Brumble?
- What's wrong with Angel?
- It's gay.
It is a little gay.
What would you like
to be called?
- [laughs]
- Then Bill you shall be.
You can't just change his name
because he wants to change it.
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?
All right, fine, Bill it is.
But one question.
Why didn't you just tell us
you wanted to be called Bill
from the outset?
Because I just thought of it.
I've been trying
to think of a name.
What difference does it make?
It makes a difference
because for two weeks,
we've been calling him "kid"
and we haven't
put him in school.
No problem, just
from now on, communicate.
Yeah, communicate.
- Don't, don't, don't, don't!
- [Bill laughs]
Don't do that!
All the fucking time
you do that!
You make me look like an idiot
in front of the crew,
in front of the kid!
The kid's got a name.
He's call...
Sorry, what was your name?
It's Bill!
Uh, Paul?
Paul, wait, we need you.
[woman singing operatically
in distance over speakers]
Well, can you make an exception
in my case?
Perhaps it would make a
difference if I was to tell you
my name was Erasmus Bumble.
I present to cookery program
and... Oh, sod it.
Taco Bell don't deliver.
I can't get a hold of Paul.
Hello, Paul, it's me.
You made your point
quite eloquently.
Please come home.
[opera music continues]
I have made you cochinita pibil
with homemade tortilla.
I've offered
to make you anything
from the finest ingredients
known to man.
Taco Bell.
[sighs] Fine.
All right.
Total capitulation.
This is raccoon.
[Bill] It's by the building
that's brown,
and its square,
and it has these
little logs on the roof.
In case you hadn't noticed,
you just described every
fucking building in Santa Fe.
Wait, there it is!
Oh, great.
[Bill] I'm glad we made it
To Taco Bell
Come on, come on, come on!
Hi, welcome to Taco Bell.
My name's Leticia.
How can I help you?
Hello, Leticia.
My name is Erasmus.
And this is my grandson Bill.
Can I have the Crunch Wrap
Supreme with bacon
and the Nachos BellGrande?
And for you, sir?
I'm sorry,
I am mesmerized
by the divergent culinary
concepts at play here.
Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
Fiery Doritos Locos
Tacos Supreme.
I mean, it's like
Mexican jazz music.
- Are you a Erasmus Brumble?
- I am indeed.
I heard that you called earlier.
I love your books
and your TV show, and, well,
what are you doing here?
Well, if you like my books
and my TV show,
what are you doing here?
[laughs] Are you going
to order something?
I'd love to see
the wine list first, please.
He wasn't joking.
You like it?
Oh, Bill,
I've seen the light.
Well, have a think.
What's the happiest
you've ever been?
One time with my dad,
he took me to the mountains,
and we shot squirrels.
Well, for me, sitting here
sharing this taco with you,
is that good.
[sighs] But there's got to be
a better table than this.
[door close]
How long have you been sitting
alone here in the dark?
Uh... 10 years.
It's been a nightmare
since you've been away.
Bill and I have been
crying our eyes out.
- Isn't that right, Bill?
- No, it was fine.
We went to Taco Bell.
Why don't you trot off to bed,
little man?
We can't have a kid.
We are kids.
Well, that's not true.
You're more of a kid
than me.
Do I have a sense of play?
Oh, uh, yeah.
[both laugh]
But you're a man.
You're a great big hulking
Paleolithic beast of a man.
You're talking about my ass.
Look at me.
You have the biggest heart
of any man I know.
[Erasmus grunting]
Is everything all right?
Yes, everything's fine.
Can I have Chunky Monkey?
Yes, of course.
[Bill] Where is it?
It's in the freezer
in the kitchen.
There isn't any there.
I looked.
No, it's in the freezer
in the garage!
It's in the garage!
The one with all
the Kevin Costner magnets on it!
Who's Kevin "Coster"?
He was in that film.
What was it called?
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matt...
It's doesn't matter.
It's the only freezer
that's in the garage.
Good night.
Do you want some?
[both] No, thank you.
Oh, Dances with Wolves!
[alarm clock blaring]
[alarm stops]
We gotta make him lunch.
We have to make him lunch.
We have to make him lunch.
[Bill] Taco Bell.
- Pepperoni pizza.
- No.
Come on, man, look.
It's got...
tongue twisters, jokes,
and more mixed-up fun inside.
Oh, God...
All right.
Last offer.
A 2-pound bag
of Sour Patch Kids for lunch.
Candy is for dessert.
You got all the flavors.
[muffled scream]
Uh, we're still
serving breakfast.
For how long?
Another 45 minutes.
Oh, fuck you.
Has it been
45 minutes yet?
- No, it's been two.
- [passing truck horn blares]
I want 20 crunch wraps
with bacon, please.
- Twenty?
- Twenty.
Why'd you get 20 of 'em?
Because I'm gonna freeze them
and then thaw them out
every morning.
That's... not going to work.
And it's weird.
Why can't I just take them
to school in a Taco Bell bag?
[clears throat]
Because I've written articles
for Server magazine.
- Do you know what that is?
- No.
Get the fuck out of my car.
[children chattering]
[school bell rings]
[Paul] So the bartender says,
"No? You don't know?
You walk him
and pitch to the rhino."
Why are you wearing chaps
at dinner?
These used to belong
to Roy Rogers.
[both imitate
bullet ricocheting]
- Please.
- [Erasmus] Even though
I don't believe
in reincarnation,
I am becoming more
and more convinced
that in a previous life,
I was a cattle rustler.
You just said you don't believe
in reincarnation.
I can rustle cattle.
I roped a steer.
You couldn't rope Ethel Merman.
Bill, do you like the place?
Seriously, tell them
what time you go to bed.
- Whenever I want.
- Oh...
I want Erasmus and Paul
to be my granddaddys.
- You like Erasmus's cooking?
- No, it's gross.
Where is your dad?
He's in jail
for beating up a hooker.
Where does he get this stuff?
He's actually not kidding
about that.
Oh. Heh.
Um, well,
where's your mom?
She was a drug addict.
And she took
too many drugs one night.
And she fell off the balcony.
It was four stories high.
Where were you
when this happened?
In the next room.
Well, the good news
is I've made a pear tart.
[doorbell rings]
[doorbell rings]
I'm Melissa Enright
with Child Protective Services.
Hi. Hey, come...
come... come on in.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
This is the first
of several mandated visits
by the CPS of New Mexico.
When a single parent
is arrested,
there's an inquiry
initiated by CPS.
He's been here
for 10 weeks.
We're backlogged.
So is he here?
[all sigh]
Who's that?
this is, uh...
- Melissa.
- Melissa.
From Child
Protective Services.
Oh, shit.
Uh, hello, Melissa,
I'm Erasmus.
So, yeah, Bill's around.
And you haven't seen...
[whispers indistinctly]
I don't know.
I just got up.
Is anything wrong?
No, Melissa.
Welcome to our humble
country abode.
I'll just going to put
some coffee on.
It's good coffee.
Yes, also good
if we find the child.
[indistinct cartoon noises
playing on computer]
Oh, here he is.
Right where we
sometimes find him.
Yeah, he likes
to be called Bill.
So they take me to school
every morning,
and then they pick me up
every afternoon.
Together? They both go?
It's usually Paul.
No, it's always Paul.
Has anything happened here
at home
that frightened
or disturbed you?
Are you sure?
Like what?
Like any hitting or yelling?
Mm, not really.
Not really?
You're not sure?
I mean no.
Have you seen anything
that confused you?
Certain kinds of touching
that made you uncomfortable?
It seems like
something happened
that you don't want
to talk to me about.
But you can tell me
Can't I just show you?
Of course.
Those flat shoes.
Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.
They're so flat,
it actually makes her shorter.
It's not even an inch.
It's completely flat.
Everything all right?
Totally fine.
What a large room.
The hell does that mean?
I hate her.
Excuse me...
Would both of you
come this way, please?
Do you think she heard us
calling her a dumb bitch?
Hope she hasn't found
the porn. Heh.
Yeah, I mean, most of the places
I go are really horrific.
So when I saw this house,
I was like, "Lucky kid."
But you can't give
a kid porno.
Yes, but the thing is,
they are all Paul's.
What? No, they're not.
Some of them.
You know,
we keep this locked up.
The thing about a lock is,
it has no meaning
if there's a key in it.
Is that Confucius? Heh.
No, that's true.
I was just trying to find ET.
- [Erasmus] Hey. ET.
- [Paul] Bill!
- Classic Spielberg. Weaver of dreams.
- Oh.
[Paul] I love when
his finger lights up.
That's how you can tell
he's an alien.
- And his face.
- And his face.
Bill, would you give us
a moment?
Sex Wars: Phantom Ass.
It's just a phase
he was going through.
Yeah, I'm kind of
a Star Wars guy.
[mockingly groans]
Bareback Mountain?
What they do is take
a recognized title
and just give it a bit
of a cheeky twist.
- I get it.
- [Erasmus] It's unusual in that
the source material
is also... gay.
We're throwing them all out.
There's so much online.
What did I just say?
Is it okay if I come back?
Yes, any time.
Great, good,
because I will be back.
We long for you to return.
Late mornings
generally are best.
One last thing.
It really feels like
you should be cooking
something nutritious
for Bill at home,
not just grabbing fast food,
especially given
your line of work.
- It's not me. It's him.
- That's great advice.
Thank you so much
for that input.
Have a good day.
What a queer fish.
Uh, yeah.
Does he have friends
outside of school?
Uh, two of us.
Household employees.
Anyone his age?
Uh, well, there's Tino.
Oh, good, Tino.
How old is Tino?
[both] 24.
No, he doesn't really.
I would like to refer you
to a developmental therapist
here in Santa Fe.
- Are you saying he's insane?
- No, no, no, of course not.
But treatment
can benefit someone
who's been living with
an unstable personality.
Maybe I should get
some treatment.
Of course,
if you feel that you...
- He's joking.
- I...
In any event,
I have a very important
harvest-abundance episode of
my television program to record.
So if you've nothing further
to say, I'll take my leave,
and if you could find the time
to teach him how to spell,
add and subtract,
that would suffice.
She's just trying
to do her job, Paul.
Not her. You, you dumb dick.
- What?
- He should be making friends.
My God, after
everything he's been...
- What concern is it of yours?
- Excuse me?
You've expressed how little
interest you have in him.
Mm-hmm, and I pick him up
from school every day.
And I appreciate your efforts,
but you made it abundantly clear
you don't want to be saddled
with the responsibility.
Well, I am saddled
with the responsibility.
When he first arrived
I thought, oh, I don't know
- how we're going to handle...
- Paul...
Can you make a mental note
of all this,
and we can sort it out
over a smart cocktail?
I have something
at stake here.
- What?
- When he got here,
I thought, oh, great,
you know what?
I'm going to be stuck
with all the responsibility.
And surprise,
I am stuck with it,
but I will not wake up
early every day,
wake him up, pack his lunch,
help him with his homework...
yeah, by the way,
he has homework...
and have you tell me
it has nothing to do with me.
[door closes]
You know what? I am so sick
of being this furious.
I... I give up.
What am I doing?
You have to tape.
I have to stay here
and pick him up.
No, Tino can pick him up.
- I'll pick him up.
- Don't be a martyr.
Oh, God. This.
This, I never imagined
for myself.
I went to Wesleyan.
My contemporaries
are scions of industry.
I should be living in New York
running the Food Network,
not sitting here
in this dusty pueblo
babysitting the boy
from The Shining.
Yeah, and I went to Oxford
and all my friends...
You went to cooking school
in the town of Oxford.
- What's your point?
- It's a very different thing.
What's your point?
My friends
at The Rachel Ray Show
called me again and told me
there's still a job there
for me if I want it.
Idle threat.
- [children laughing]
- [boy] Wait up, wait up!
Wait, what do we do best?
Drink and argue.
Throw parties.
We just need to give Bill
a proper birthday.
- It's his birthday?
- Doesn't matter.
But we do need to freshen up
the genre.
We need a theme,
something stunning.
I thought we were
in the middle of a fight.
Forget "Pin the Tail
on the Donkey."
Try "Pinning the Tail
on Ganesh,"
the elephant-headed Hindu deity
at your next children's party.
I'm going to take you on a tour
of the Indian subcontinent,
where we're going
to discover the secrets
of tandoori lobster dogs,
saffron cupcakes,
and tamarind ice cream.
This is your passage to India.
I'm a Erasmus Brumble,
and this is Ideal Home.
[children chattering]
One of the staples
of authentic Indian cuisine
is of course naan,
the indigenous flatbread.
But I need someone
to help me roll the dough.
- Heather...
- My name's not Heather.
- It's Whitney.
- That's all right.
Bill, would you like
to help me grind
some tamarind paste
with this pestle and mortar?
No. Let's get Taco Bell.
- [both] Yeah! Taco Bell!
- Cut!
Taco Bell! Taco Bell!
Taco Bell! Taco Bell!
[lively Indian pop music
playing over speakers]
[Bill roars]
- Hey.
- What?
- Is this your party?
- Yeah.
Do you have two dads?
No. Well, I don't know.
Sort of.
That's littering.
So what?
We don't do that here.
[lively music continues]
[girl] Wow!
Oh, my gosh,
this has been so amazing.
Um, Chelsea's got
a birthday next weekend.
- [Erasmus] Mmm...
- And we would so love
to have you guys come.
- Well, fantastic.
- Yeah?
- Try and keep us away.
- [laughs]
[electronic dance music playing
over speakers]
See, the Spurs need to stick
to what they do best,
work as a team.
I mean, you got Ginobili,
you got Leonard, small ball.
Thanks, hon.
I don't really know
who those people are.
I don't even know what sport
you're talking about.
[Erasmus] I think
it's baseball, is it?
[Paul] That's the one
with a small ball.
I know that.
- We're not really sporty types.
- No.
["Everybody Dance Now" playing]
Oh... Holy shit! Heh.
I got my first blowie
when this song was playing.
Um. She was...
She was...
A girl?
Did she have
big old tits?
We just got the couch.
You can have ice in there.
You can have beer in there.
You can sit back, relax.
Functional, stylish, comfy.
What more could you ask for?
[children screaming]
You know, it's not like
on your TV show but...
Oh, no...
But... I mean...
Well... [stammers]
Everyone's different,
aren't they?
The world would be a pretty dull
place if we were all the same.
- Hear, hear.
- Right?
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
Would you...
Would you rather
have white wine?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
Sorry about that.
[Paul] You know what,
they seem like a nice family.
They seem happy.
Yeah, well,
I'd rather be all fucked up
and live in a nice house.
Well, then, dreams
really do come true.
And of that song
has invaded my mind.
Oh, that fucking song.
[imitates dance beat
from "Everybody Dance Now"]
- All right, bye.
- See you tomorrow, Bill.
Well, they seem like nice boys.
What are their names?
One is named Lantem...
Lathem... Lathem!
And the other is named...
I don't know.
Okay. Well, I had to park
on the other block.
- [engine revving]
- It was so crowded.
- [tires screeching]
- Idiot!
Not... Not you, him.
Are you all right?
Oh! Why don't you hold
my hand for now?
Bill, take my hand.
- I don't want to.
- You were almost killed.
- I don't care!
- I do! I'm the adult!
You're the child!
And you're gonna do as I say!
Fuck you!
What's the matter?
I c-can't... I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
[cell phone buttons beeping]
[phone dialing out]
I need an ambulance.
[siren wailing]
- Are you having chest pain now?
- Yeah.
Are you going to be okay?
I don't know.
[heart monitor beeping]
[medic] Your blood pressure
is a little high,
but I don't see anything else.
Have you ever had
a panic attack?
Do you have any history
of anxiety or panic attacks?
I do. I, uh...
I... I think
I'm having a heart attack,
and it, uh...
it turns out to be anxiety.
So you've called
an ambulance before?
How many times?
Nine times maybe?
About nine times.
[softly] Yeah.
But you saved his life.
You get a coupon for redemption
when you arrive
at the gates of heaven.
Mmm. It was so disturbing,
watching the kid
almost get killed,
and then the screaming match,
and then I had one of my things.
What things?
My panic things.
You didn't call an ambulance.
Oh, no.
It was humiliating.
We didn't even make it
to the hospital.
The EMT just told me
to take it easy.
And death is cheated once more.
Away, you shadowy specter.
Where are my pills?
Hey, hey, just, you know,
have a tequila
and think pleasant thoughts.
Oh, God, I can't.
Every night my dreams end
in the Apocalypse,
alien invasions,
and mega tsunamis.
Your dreams are
so big-budget.
I just dream I'm naked
and people are laughing at me.
Oh. I dream that, too.
You know,
eventually, you just have to
[goofy voice]
make a decision to be happy.
Never do that voice again.
Rise and shine.
Come on, kiddo.
Time to get up.
[Bill grunting]
School. Did you finish
your book report?
You want to tell me
what my anxiety medication
is doing in your backpack?
Have you taken
any of these?
Well, where are they?
The entire bottle
is missing.
I don't have them.
What have you done with them?
Out with it, young man.
This is serious.
I sold them to this kid
in the middle school.
- Thank God for that.
- Thank God?
Well, at least he hasn't
taken them himself.
Wh-? Where would you get an idea
to do something like that?
[mumbles softly]
His father.
Your father.
[Paul] Oh, well, yeah.
I mean, that's... Okay.
Why did you feel
the need to do this?
- I needed money.
- [Paul] For what?
Don't we buy you
everything you could ask for?
I need money in case...
In case what?
In case I'm not here.
In case that Melissa lady
takes me or something.
Listen to me.
You're not going
anywhere, okay?
I won't let it happen.
We won't let it happen.
Look at me.
We promise.
Do you understand?
And if you promise
not to deal drugs...
we'll give you $100
a week.
Wait, no. 50.
I'll do it for 100.
- Okay. All right, yeah.
- Oh.
- Okay, Great. Great!
- Yay!
All right!
High fives all around.
- Good job.
- [Paul] Crisis averted.
Bring it. We did it.
[all] Yay!
Good dinner. Good.
- Come on, Bill.
- [Bill shrieks, laughing]
No, you're not gonna
make me do it.
[song ends]
"In conclusion, my parents
have taught me about recycling
"because they love me,
and they love the Earth.
The end."
All right.
Thank you, Symphony.
And next is Bill.
"I live with Paul and Erasmus."
Bill, remember, look
your audience in the eye.
Okay? And let's try it
a little louder.
[loudly] "I live with Paul and
Erasmus. They are not my dads.
"But they do
all the stuff dads do.
"They are gay.
"In the olden days,
it was illegal to be gay.
"There are some words
you should never use
"when you are talking
to someone who is gay.
"Never say 'faggot.'
[children giggle]
- "Never say 'cocksucker.'
- Bill!
"And never, ever, ever say..."
Bill, please stop! No!
"In the olden days,
it was illegal to be gay."
- [Paul laughing quietly]
- Indeed it was.
"Some words you should
never say
"when you are talking
to someone who is gay.
"Never say 'faggot.'
Never say 'cocksucker.'"
the school district
doesn't find quite
the same sense of humor
in this situation.
He... He said this aloud
in, in class?
Up to and including that word.
Did he say "buttfucking"?
Did he say "buttfucking"?
[both laughing]
- Never, ever say "buttfucking."
- Gentlemen!
Where do you think
he's learning these terms?
Um... It's... it's...
We don't make a habit
of using words like that,
I have to say.
Um, unless it...
unless it's in context.
I see where he gets it.
[Erasmus] I hate to say this,
but I do think it's a case
of pot calling the kettle black?
I did notice the word "felching"
on your classroom wall,
which I thought was highly
inappropriate in a classroom.
That is "felting."
[Paul] Oh, yeah,
that makes more sense.
Felching isn't
until middle school.
I am so not into that.
Can't speak for him.
- Guilty as charged.
- [cell phone buzzes]
- This is serious.
- Hello? Oh, yes.
We were wondering when we were
going to hear from you.
How's it going, Angel?
How you doing?
Tell them how
you're doing, Bill.
- Good.
- He likes to be called Bill.
Bill? Is that right?
Well, you know, angels were one
of your mom's favorite things.
So that's why
we named you Angel.
That's still his name legally,
of course.
But he's been doing great
at school.
Uh, a whole spate of friends,
Would you like
to tell your father
about your new friends,
young man?
Well, it sounds like
you're doing really good.
And, you know, I've been
doing really good in here.
I've been going to church.
I feel a lot better now.
I'm so clearheaded.
The big news is the minister's
really gone all out
for me to get an early release.
So I'm gonna be out of here
before New Year's.
- Bravo.
- And the church has also
set me up with
a sponsor in Arizona.
So when I do get out of here,
me and Angel
are gonna go to Arizona,
and we're gonna start working
for a minister there.
- Arizona?
- Yeah, that's right.
I think we need consider
how the boy
has settled in
at school here in Santa Fe.
He has a lot of friends.
There's a school at the church.
He'll make new friends.
Well, I think, I think
we need to consider
- all this very carefully.
- He's my boy.
I thank you both
for taking care of him.
But there is a plan in place.
And it's a good plan.
What if I want to stay?
All is well,
and all will be well.
- But do I have to go?
- Okay, look.
If I tell you something,
will you promise
to remember it
for as long as you can?
Everything is temporary.
Except herpes.
- What's herpes?
- Paul...
[Erasmus] I'm not trying
to arrange permanent custody.
I'm just trying to see
if I can somehow delay
the child going to him.
He finally has some stability.
It must count for something.
[man on phone] Well, there just
isn't a court in the country
that is gonna separate
a child from his parent.
There just isn't,
unless the child
is in some kind of
quantifiable danger.
I'm sorry, Erasmus, you really
don't have any leverage.
Well, thank you
for what has effectively been
a $400 phone call
for you to say no.
- Piss off.
- Era...
the lot of them!
[whispers] We should probably
watch our language here.
- Why?
- Because it's a fucking church.
I'm just trying to get the boy
away from his idiotic father.
Well, you might not get that.
You might not get what you want.
Well, why not, Paul?
Because God hates you.
Look, we have him
through the holidays.
All right?
Come on.
Let's put on a show.
- I was going to say that.
- I know.
[Erasmus on TV] In Mexico and
many Latin American countries,
Christmas Eve is celebrated
even more than the day itself.
In my home, I like to prepare
a flavorful Mexican supper
of fresh-made
green-corn tamales,
whole roast pig
and [speaks Spanish]
for dessert.
Afterwards, we'll attend
a traditional pageant
known as La Posadas,
which retells the story
of Mary and Joseph
looking for shelter
in Bethlehem.
Then we cross the Atlantic
for a proper English dinner.
No, further out.
Further out.
[both speaking indistinctly]
[Paul] I'll say,
you look handsome.
[indistinct conversation]
You're allowed
to take one present.
Well, how about three?
- [Erasmus] Oh, okay.
- [Bill] Okay.
- [Paul] Yeah?
- O.M.G.
Do we have more?
[choir singing in Spanish]
Okay, and cue the harem.
And heavenly glow.
[singing continues]
[people chattering]
[Erasmus sighs] This really is
the land of enchantment.
[Paul] Oh, so nice.
They let you out.
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Hey, bud.
Come on, you want to come
over here and give me a hug?
How you doing?
You okay? Oh, God.
- This is absurd!
- It's just the way it is!
This was never supposed
to be permanent.
Why are you doing this?!
You trying to infuriate me?!
You trying to cause as much
anguish as you possibly can?
Oh, stop it, the world
doesn't spin around you.
No, it spins around the boy,
and you're trying
to yank him away from the one
decent Christmas he's ever had
in the middle
of the fucking night!
That's what this is all about
isn't it, some big spectacle!
Do you know that presents
and all the decorations
in the world,
that doesn't make Christmas.
For a little boy, it does.
No, family makes Christmas.
And I'm his father.
You seem to have forgotten
that I'm your father.
[chuckles] Oh.
Do you want to go there?
Please, at least
stay the night.
["Jingle Bells"
blaring over speakers]
Why is the music so loud?!
[mouths words]
- What?!
- [music turns down]
You were shouting.
Oh, yes.
Yes! Yes!
Well, this Christmas looks epic.
Santa has come early.
I'll believe in Santa
if this is what it gets me.
Smokin' board.
Why don't we have
a proper breakfast tomorrow?
Um, we should start a brioche.
And then perhaps
something sweet,
a nutty sticky bun.
That means,
"Paul, go make brioche
and a sticky, nutty bun."
Don't I know it?
Who would like a drink?
I'm sober.
Ah, yes. So am I.
Unlike you, however, I'm going
to do something about it.
- I'll have a...
- I know.
[car doors close]
[engine starts]
[vehicle departs]
What? What? What is it?
They're gone.
They're gone.
I didn't even get
to say goodbye.
I know.
Me either.
We drove 200 miles
to get here.
You said you would meet us.
All right,
we've been here for hours.
We look like a couple
of child predators.
The only thing we're missing
is a white van.
I apologize for my friend.
We're quite normal.
Do you want some candy?
Are you all right?
Well, you sound like
you may have relapsed.
[Bo speaking indistinctly
in phone]
Don't get me wrong.
I used to love cocaine.
Let's talk about
what we have in common. Heh.
All right, let's not.
I'm just saying
that if you need help,
I know a very good
rehab facility
in Tucson, Arizona.
Um, it has a high failure rate,
but the food's terrific,
and the group sessions
are hilarious.
[phone splashes]
[blues music playing on stereo]
Shall I move the orchid?
It's fine.
[cell phone buzzing]
[Erasmus] Wherever we go,
it's so depressing.
He feels like he has
to pass it on to other people.
It's like having a broom
up his ass.
- [Tino laughs]
- [Erasmus] What's going on...?
What's going on in here?
I was in the kitchen,
and I suddenly got very upset.
- Didn't I?
- Yeah.
And Tino was comforting me.
Why is the door closed?
It's not like that, Paul.
Why is the door closed?
Nothing happened, Paul.
I'm bereft about
the child being gone.
So am I.
You didn't even
want him here.
How can you say that?
Shame on you.
You know, you dismiss me
left and right.
But I did all the work.
I was the parent.
You clowned around.
Well, all right then.
You know what,
it doesn't matter.
We're not talking
about the kid.
This is about that.
Has it been going on
since you hired him?
I didn't touch Tino.
Nothing happened.
He was just a shoulder
to cry on.
I'm your shoulder
to cry on.
Anyway, you know what?
It doesn't matter
what happened in there.
It happened before.
Which you admit.
With that gardener.
You admit.
Yes, I admit.
Well, it's going
to happen again.
It won't happen again.
Look, I think
you and I both know
things have been pretty
fucked up between us
for a long time.
When the kid showed up,
I pretended everything was...
But I can't pretend anymore.
I can't.
- Paul...
- Listen to me.
You know
that if you were dying,
I would cut the heart
out of my chest for you.
I would die
so that you would live.
That's how much I love you.
That's how much I worship you.
And I think that you
actually know.
You know that.
- And it doesn't matter to you.
- It does matter to me.
It doesn't matter.
And I can't stand it anymore.
You know, I, uh...
I didn't tell you,
but I got a call
the other day from Rachel Ray.
What's she like?
I hear she's really nice.
No, not from her.
From my friends
who produce her show.
They, uh... They offered me
a job in New York.
I'm going to take it.
Well, I'm almost done
up here.
I just need to get my books
from your office.
Yeah, I boxed them all up
last night.
Thanks for your help.
[sighs, clears throat]
Did you get a spray tan?
Jemima, had me at
"ski in, ski out."
I'll be there Friday.
No, I can't come Thursday.
I've got to see my lawyer.
Oh, just stupid stuff.
Yeah. You can have
all these bags.
I don't really need them.
Because they're mine.
I... I think this might be
the best thing for both of us.
Well, we had a good run.
Oh, and remember to keep an eye
on the tile guy tomorrow.
I think
he's overbilling us.
I don't give a fuck
what you think
about the fucking tile guy,
you fucking cunt!
Oh. And you were
doing so well.
[struggles with handle;
pounds on window]
Please don't leave me.
I can't live without you.
Don't go.
Don't go, please,
please, please, please.
I love you.
I sure hope
he's not talking to me.
[knocks on window]
[pulls on door handle]
Keep driving.
[plane passes overhead]
[thunder rumbling]
And this motion will be accepted
by the court at this time.
The child shall remain
in the custody
of Erasmus Brumble
and Paul Morgan.
Oh, well, I must say,
all that courtroom melodrama
makes a man very hungry.
- [Paul] How are you doing?
- [Bill] I'm hungry, too.
So what shall we eat?
[Paul] Let's not do a whole
thing tonight. I'm exhausted.
Why don't we just pick up
some sushi?
You know, supermarket sushi
is like God shitting
on mankind.
It is everything that
is wrong with this country.
I didn't say
supermarket sushi.
I've never had
supermarket sushi in my life.
Unless it was late at night
and I was blackout drunk
and I don't remember,
and that probably happened.
I could make some sushi.
I did train
with one of the world's
leading sushi chefs.
That was at a demo
at Williams-Sonoma
in Albuquerque.
I was with you.
You know, your version
of events is so pedestrian.
Also known as reality.
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
Well, why don't we just do
a pasta at home?
I'm trying to avoid wheat
and dairy, Paul.
Oh, really,
is that since you had
the grilled cheese sandwich
for lunch?
It's a constant struggle.
Yes, it most
certainly is.
- [Paul chuckles]
- Guys.
Why don't you ask me
what I want for dinner?
Well, we just assumed
it was Taco Bell.
No, I still love it,
but I'd like
something else tonight.
- Really?
- What would you like?
I'd like to have
pork tenderloin
with caramelized apples
and ginger.
What the hell?
What the fuck?
All right.
Let's get this kid
a pork tenderloin.
Maybe some polenta.
With goat cheese.
Oh, my God.
We've created a monster.
I created a monster.
No, you are a monster.
And now I have to contend
with two of you. Good God.
Oh, Jesus.
There's a fucking rainbow.