Idiot's Delight (1939) Movie Script

Private Van, you ride with the driver.
Okay, pal.
You can't cross 5th Ave.
till the parade is finished.
How long will that be ?
Don't ask me, buddy.
Goodbye, babe.
We'll miss you terribly.
Yeah, don't kid the troupe.
Goodbye, honey.
Remember, you promised to write.
Sure, every day.
Goodbye, beautiful.
Goodbye, Harry.
What's the new address ?
Karen B. A. National Vaudeville Artists.
They'll know where I am.
You've been swell to me.
You've been wonderful to us, Harry.
Yeah, yeah, sure. Goodbye.
Don't forget, Harry.
One of these days we're gonna
see his name up in electric lights.
Biggest star on Broadway.
You oughta realize, Harry,
that this is the wrong season
to be looking for openings in outdoors stuff.
Every Carnival attraction is set.
You should have come back sooner.
I know, I shouldn't have let
the war last so long.
But you ain't licked.
No, I ain't licked.
No, all your friends, and you got a million of them,
they all have the utmost respect for you, Harry.
Sure, plenty of respect, but no job.
Don't be like that, you'll get a job.
You with your talent and fine war record.
All we gotta do is slap a little add
on the billboard and before you know it...
So you went into a speakeasy
and told the man you wanted a cocktail, did you ?
And I suppose you drank the cocktail ?
Hm ?
I merely asked did you drink the cocktail ?
Come now. You can't expect me
to believe you went into a speakeasy...
... told a man you wanted a cocktail
and then didn't drink it.
I couldn't.
Why not, were you paralyzed ?
I didn't drink it because...
Because why ?
Because the man hadn't any.
By the light of the silvery moon
I want to croon
to my honey I'll croon love's tune.
Honeymoon, keep a-shining in June
Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams,
We'll be cuddling soon
By the silvery moon.
And there you are, friends...
Now, the miracle remedy,
old Dr. Maltese's marvelous elixir...
... discovered in the desert of Arizona
by Wahoo, Chief of the Kickapoo Indians.
Right, chief ?
Unfortunately, Chief Wahoo
doesn't speak a word of English
or he'd tell you all about it.
But words don't mean a thing, friends.
You'll have to try the medicine
to find out the marvelous results.
Here come the cops.
Well, what do you want ?
Madam, I bring you the
golden book of knowledge.
The New University Encyclopedia.
Tells you the facts of life.
I don't want any facts.
I got too many of them already.
As I pass among you I shall ask you to produce some objects,
either from your pockets or wearing apparel.
These will be identified instantly by Madame Zuleika.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
Please note that I have no
radio broadcasting sets concealed.
This is entirely mental.
All I ask of you is that you concentrate.
Come anyone, any object.
Oh, thank you, madam.
Speak. Hurry up. What is it ?
Say something. Hurry up.
What am I holding ?
It's a...
... a medicine.
What kind ? Concentrate.
Headache powders.
Very good, Zuleika.
Thank you, madam.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I just want to say...
... that charges have been made
that all these articles which I obtained...
... and which are identified instantly
by the telepathic genius of Madame Zuleika...
... had been handed to me by confederates of mine
previously planted in the audience.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want once and for all to disprove these ridiculous charges...
before you,
the good citizens of this fair city of Omaha.
We have the good fortune
to have with us tonight, sitting right up here...
... the honorable Thomas McCreevy
and his very charming wife, Mrs. McCreevy.
I shall ask them to furnish me with an object.
I'm sure that you all know
that the honorable Thomas McCreevy
and his very lovely wife...
... are no confederates of mine.
We don't know no such thing !
I shall treat that remark
with the contempt it so richly deserves.
Now, Mr. McCreevy, if you would be so kind.
Or perhaps Mrs. McCreevy will oblige.
Thank you very kindly.
Now we can get it.
Concentrate, concentrate.
See that water she's drinking ?
It's gin.
Now, you can't keep Mrs. McCreevy waiting.
There's a... disturbance here.
Telepathic waves are all ... all confused.
She's drunk.
We must dispel this confusion.
The waves must get through.
Umm.. everybody concentrate.
Now, can't you concentrate ?
Now, can't you concentrate ? Concentrate.
It's a vanity case.
What ?
A vanity case.
It's a vanity case.
Tell them to ring down that curtain.
Can I have your attention for just one moment.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Now please remember that the greatest scientists
sometimes slip up with their experiments.
So, with your kind indulgence,
we will continue with our performance
and attempt to demonstrate...
Get a hold of her
Quiet !
Some dame. Where is she ? I'll break her neck !
Was it you ?
Me ?
Yes, you, you cheap little acrobat.
You were standing in the wings
when we went on.
Why, I was talking to this gentleman, wasn't I ?
I wasn't even watching your stupid act.
I'll find out who it was.
And when I do I'll beat the living crown out of her !
Shut up, Madame. !
What I want to know is
who rung that curtain down.
I did. What about it ?
Nothing. I just wanted to know.
Well, now you do know.
Come on, next act. Strike the orchestra.
They're deliberately trying to ruin us.
Excuse me, Mr. Van.
Clear the stage.
Let's get out of here.
Ready Fellara ? Take it away.
Who do you suppose hollered to Zuleika from the wings ?
I don't know. Probably the ghost of
P.T. Barnum trying to help out a pal.
What's gonna happen to you now, Harry ?
She'll have a fine hangover tomorrow,
then she'll take the pledge and swear
she'll never take another drink so help her.
Then next week in Little Rock
she'll feel another cold coming on
and it'll be the same thing all over again.
Then one day you'll look at the billboard
and see "Harry Van at Liberty, Again".
That's show business.
Yes, yes, the gay, carefree world of entertainment.
Come on, old lady.
Good night, Harry.
Good night, Jim. Good night, Mumpo. Be a good girl.
Well, what can I do for you ?
If it's an autograph, I'm sorry.
I never learned how to read or write.
No, I'm not collecting autographs, Mr. Van.
I have something rather important to tell you.
What is it, babe ?
Do you mind if I sit down ?
As a matter of fact I do. But anyway, have a seat.
And if you see a bottle of champagne
sitting around, open her up.
Now, what's on your mind ?
I want to confess.
You'll find a church right around the corner.
I was the one who prompted Madame Zuleika.
You ?
Yes, I couldn't help it, Mr. Van.
Who are you anyway ?
I'm one of the Fellara troupe.
I know you're an acrobat, but...
Oh, you noticed me.
We've been on the same bill a week, haven't we ?
Yes, but you never seem
to pay any attention to anyone.
Why did you holler out like that
tonight and ruin the act ?
Anybody could see
that she was in an alcoholic fog.
So thick that your signals couldn't get through.
I knew what you were trying to say.
How did you know that ?
I've been watching your act, Mr. Van.
I couldn't help picking up some of the code.
I mean, your tone of voice when you say...
... "Concentrate".
There are subtle changes that mean different things.
Where did you learn words like "subtle" ?
I haven't always been an acrobat, Mr. Van.
I attended the University in Vienna.
I worked with Freud, Jung, all the great teachers.
From the University in Vienna to the Eldorado in Omaha.
Some jump.
That's been my whole life.
Today the mountain tops, tomorrow the Dead Sea.
Yeah, I guess you're right, sister.
But you haven't yet explained
why you tried to please Madame Zuleika.
I had to, Mr. Van, because...
... because I have a great admiration for you.
You liked my electrical personality, hm ?
No, nothing as obvious as that.
I think you have a very remarkable brain.
So you've noticed that too, eh ?
I also have a very remarkable brain.
Yeah, but a very remarkable way of talking
for a girl who makes her living swinging by her teeth.
I was born for excitement, adventure, danger.
I've had all of them.
I'll have a lot more
before I come to a violent death.
So you've even got that arranged.
So what are your plans for supper ?
Oh, Mr. Van.
Are you inviting me ?
Don't look at me like that.
I'm only offering to buy you a cup of coffee...
... because I appreciate your kind motives
in busting up our act tonight.
That's very sweet of you, Mr. Van.
I'll get dressed right away.
I'll be proud to be seen in a restaurant with you.
This place, "Eats".
What beautiful simplicity in those words.
They tell a whole story.
How you are, Mr Van ?
You are, lady ?
Special tonight, corned bee hash.
Corned beef hash is always special.
Give me a cup of coffee and some donuts.
What'll you have, babe ?
Oyster stew.
Are the oysters strictly fresh ?
Sure, we fly them in every day
from Baltimore in aeroplane.
Oyster stew.
Oyster stew.
And I'll have corned beef hash with two poached eggs,
whole wheat toast butter then grade A milk.
Aren't you gonna have some dessert ?
Oh, yes. I'll order that later.
I guess you have to eat a lot to keep
your teeth in training for that iron jaw act, eh ?
In old Russia we used to serve an entire roast ox before lunch.
Just as an hors d'oeuvre.
You certainly lived on a big scale, babe.
My name isn't Babe.
It's Irene.
Don't worry about that. I call everybody babe.
Perhaps that's why I don't like it.
I'm not everybody.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
I should have realized, you're pretty exclusive.
I am.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Mr. Van.
That's all right. I'm not seriously injured.
You see, I was really born to live in a palace.
So it isn't always easy to adjust myself to as dark a place as Eats.
Well, here's your food.
Perhaps that'll help the adjustment.
85 cents.
She hasn't finished ordering yet.
Careful how you handle those knees.
Ouch !
Yeah, you gotta do it like this.
That's a technique you learn
after you get the Ritz out of your mind.
Oh, I haven't got a table napkin.
I'll get one.
Ain't one napkin enough ?
Not for a repast like this.
Thank you very much, Mr. Van.
Listen, Irene, you can discard the Mr. Van.
My name's Harry.
But I don't like Harry.
What's the matter with it ?
It sounds cheap.
Isn't your name Henry ?
No. And it isn't Harold either.
Very well, Harry.
Whatever I call you, I think you're sweet.
Eat your stew.
Where did you get your education, Harry ?
What makes you think I got one ?
Oh, I know you have. You're like me.
You're a student of life.
Well, I worked my way
through college selling encyclopedias.
I knew you had culture.
What college was it ?
No college in particular.
You know, my line of selling talk was so good
I fell for it myself.
I bought the whole bunch of encyclopedias
and read them cover to cover.
Here. Try the hash.
Oh, there isn't any ketchup.
No, so there isn't.
Excuse me, babe.
You're so very kind.
Yeah, I think you're right.
You know, it makes my blood boil.
I mean, it makes me so furious to think that you're only a...
What is the word for it ?
Word for what ?
Stooge. That's it.
A stooge for that drunken old hag.
Hey, choose your words more carefully, babe.
I tell you my name is Irene.
Whatever it is, no cracks out of you about Madame Zuleika.
She's a very wonderful, wonderful woman.
A genius.
And besides that, I'm not a stooge.
I'm the one who does the real brain work in the act.
You know, Harry, I could learn that code easily.
You think so ?
I know I could.
I don't know. It's a very deep, complicated scientific problem.
We'd be perfect together, you and me.
I can see the electric sign
shining over Picadilly Circus in London.
It reads Irene, Irene the Great.
Assisted by Harry Van.
You got a nice billing there.
You'd love London.
I was there as a little girl
after I escaped from the Soviets.
That was a terrible exerience.
I must tell you about it, Mr. Van.
All right, but you've got four shows tomorrow,
and seeing as you're still an acrobat
you'd better get some sleep.
Do you know that song ?
It's Kaak Strana. It's Russian.
It's so lovely.
It takes me back so far
to the Winter Palace in Petersburg.
That means "How Strange."
It tells such a sad, beautiful story
about two people who meet...
... and fall in love for one exquisite moment.
And then they part.
Like ships that pass in the night.
How strange.
When will you teach me the code, Harry ?
We'll get together soon
and run over the fundamentals.
Hiya, Frank.
Good evening, Mr. Van.
Good evening, Miss Irene.
Hello, Harry.
Hi, Ed. Hi, Bert.
Well, good night, babe.
Do we have to say good night ?
Yes, we do. I'm going to join the boys
for a little political discussion.
All right, Harry. Good night.
Good night.
Thanks for giving me such a good time.
Oh, thank you, Irene.
I always enjoy seeing a woman eat.
Don't forget now.
Brush your teeth carefully, tuck yourself in
and have sweet dreams of old Russia.
Hod did the show go tonight ?
Just as usual. A sensation.
It's always warm, Harry.
Yes, we got a very warm reception tonight.
In fact, I'm still burning.
Go for a little drink ?
Bert here's got some pre-war rye.
Yeah, pre to the next war.
But it's all right, though.
I know the guy who made it.
No, thanks, Bert. I'm going to bed.
I gotta think about my art.
Yeah, we know all about your art...
Good night.
Good night.
Thank you very much, sir.
It will be returned imediately.
Now, what is it ?
What am I holding, Madame ?
A key.
What kind of a key ?
A key to a room.
A man's room.
Very good, Madame.
What else can you tell me about it ?
Come, come, Madame. Concentrate.
There are numbers on it.
Magic, mystic numbres.
Yes, yes.
I read in the book of fate 274.
Very good, Madame. Very good.
Thank you very much, sir.
Who gave you permission
to wrap my best sock around your head ?
When it comes to that,
how did you get in here at all ?
All the keys in this hotel fit all those doors.
So you've been experimenting, huh ?
Well, what do you want now ?
Please teach me the code, Harry.
I tell you I could learn it. I know I could.
I know part of it already.
When you were talking about
Mr. McCreevy's wife in the audience...
... and you said... Now...
... that means the number is 1.
"Can't" means 2.
When you said "Now, can't you concentrate ?",
that is 1-2, which is 12 and 12 is a vanity case.
And "Concentrate" means...
Where did you find out all these things ?
Well, I... just figured it out by psychology.
You're lying through those pretty teeth.
You've been snooping.
Where did you get that coat ?
I suppose I might as well tell you.
You'd better.
So you stole it, huh ?
Don't you realize the American Society of Magicians
could put thieves like you in jail ?
Why Harry, I only went into the dressing room to see Mr. Barzek...
... and I made friends with little Mumpo
and the coat was lying there so I just...
... well... I just borrowed it.
Please forgive me, Harry.
Can't you understand
that I just want to improve myself ?
I want to be someone.
And if I could only work with you,
be your partner then I...
Sure. You'd have your name up in lights in London.
"Assisted by Harry Van."
You're a funny kid at that.
I gotta admit it. And maybe you're right.
Maybe you do deserve something better
than just being an acrobat.
But unfortunately I haven't the time to teach you the whole code.
However, I'll tell you what I'll do.
What, Harry ?
I'll read you something out of the encyclopedia.
This is the article about the subject of truth.
"Truth is the ideal of perfection for which all artists,
scientists and philosophers have striven.
The poet Keats wrote: Beauty is truth. Truth beauty.
That's all you know on earth
and all you need to know.
However, various philosophers,
notably the early Greeks, have argued that..."
Watch yourself, please.
How much is this piece of junk ?
75 cents.
75c... six bits ?
That's right.
That thing isn't worth more than a nickle.
Are you crazy ?
I'm sorry, brother. I didn't write the prices.
I'm only here to repeat them.
OK, pal. I'll take the phony thing.
Which proves I'm crazy too.
You're right again.
Don't mention it.
Well, babe, it seems we have to say goodbye.
You're going north to Sioux Falls
and I'm heading south on the Interstate.
Train's pulling out in a few minutes.
Do you think we'll ever see each other again, Harry ?
Maybe we will and maybe we won't.
You can't predict anything in show business.
Or in any other kind of a life, I suppose.
No, I guess not.
But I'll be thinking about you, babe.
Oh, I'm sure you will.
As a matter of fact
I'd like to know that you're thinking
about me a little bit too.
I guess it's a mistake in show business
to remember anything except the part
you're about to play.
Yep. Well, even so...
I got you something.
What is it ?
I don't know what it is.
You hang neckties on it, I guess.
It's just a souvenir, see ? Says so here: Souvenir Omaha.
Did you buy it for me, Harry ?
Yes. Certainly I did.
What's more, it cost 75c.
That's the most expensive present I ever bought for any dame.
What made you want to buy a present for me, Harry ?
I don't know. It's against my principles.
But you know, Irene ?
I've met a lot of dames in my time...
... and most of them are so dumb
you have to talk to them in sign language.
You're the only one I've met I couldn't answer.
That's because I'm the only one that recognizes you
for the great man that you are.
Great man, huh ?
Great bust.
Tried everything, failed at everything.
But you don't see it that way, babe,
because the world you live in
isn't a world of facts and figures...
It's a world of dreams.
That's what I like about you, Irene.
You're so beautifully phony.
And maybe you're wrong, my darling.
Maybe we two cheap people with our cheap lives...
... maybe we're the only ones
in this crazy world who are real.
12:34 train for Sioux City,
Sioux Falls
We gotta be pulling out now, babe.
We gotta be pulling out, I know,
but not together.
No, not together, you go your way and I go mine.
But I got a hunch we'll see each other again, some time.
Yes, Harry.
Goodbye, Harry.
Goodbye, Irene.
Thanks for the souvenir.
Hello, Harry, dear.
Hello, Madame.
Goodbye, Irene.
What are they talking about, Harry ?
How should I know ?
But you're always saying you know the language.
The last time I said that was when we were in Romania
and that was six countries ago.
When are we gonna get to a decent place to sleep ?
When we get to Geneva.
Excuse me, countess.
What's the trouble now ?
Another frontier, I guess.
That's my analysis of what's the trouble with Europe,
there are too many frontiers that keep waking you up.
Skip it.
What did he say, Harry ?
I'll ask him.
So what's the word, pal ?
I guess we're supposed to get out here.
Come on, we gotta get the baggage, girls.
Is this Geneva ?
Does it look like Geneva ?
I don't know.
Oh, Harry, I'm so cold.
I'm freezing...
I'm so glad to know you, Mr. and Mrs. Cherry.
It was awfully kind of you
to come down and meet us.
It was a pleasure, I assure you.
And I think I can assure you that your stay
at the Montaloda Hotel will be a thouroughly enjoyable one.
Civilized people at last.
Come on girls, follow me.
The hotel porters are attending to your luggage.
If you'll just step into the bus...
Hey, listen pal, you're an American, aren't you ?
I am, Don Navadel's the name.
Harry Van's mine.
Mr. Van, I sure am glad to know you.
Glad to see you.
Anything I can do for you ?
Yeah, we'd like to know what's the idea.
The idea ? Of what ?
Kicking us off the train, pushing us around.
Are you all here, girls ?
Wait a minute, one two, three, four, five...
Six. Yes. we're all here.
We're entertainers at nightclubs,
we're trying to get to Geneva, Switzerland.
Well, there's rather serious trouble just now here at this frontier.
Say, perhaps you and the young ladies
would like to come up to our hotel for a little while...
... till this situation has been cleared up.
Yeah, Harry, let's go to the hotel.
We'd like to sleep in a bed for a change.
No, we're not stopping at any hotel. We got to get to Geneva.
Look, Harry.
Look what they're doing to our trunks.
Excuse me.
Wait here, girls.
Hey, hey !
Would you please be a little more
careful with those trunks ?
They contain the wardrobe of my act.
Yeah, I'll take vanilla.
Hey, listen buddy,
will you please tell me
what I'm supposed to do with these trunks ?
Excuse me, my friend.
Another white man in this jungle ?
How do you do ?
My name's Harry Van.
My name is Quillary.
I've got 6 girls with me, I'm in terrible trouble.
The whole world is in terrible trouble, Mr. Van.
Well, what are we all gonna do about it ?
Who can tell ?
I just talked to one of the officials here
who can speak a little French...
... and he said that there are orders
that no one is permitted to cross the frontier.
Look, I must get back to my country.
I must get back to Italy.
I'm a German. They have no right to deny me.
I shall make a protest to our Embassy.
There's an American here.
I think he's connected to the local hotel.
Let's go see him. Maybe he can tell us something.
Harry, Mr. Navadel is telling us all about the hotel.
They have winter sports here.
They're in the skiing business.
Never mind the winter sports.
But can't we go up there, Harry ?
We're sick of those smelly day coaches.
Shut up !
These three gentlemen and I
want to know where we can find
the head man around here.
There must be somebody who can tell us when we do get across that border.
The Commander of the Frontier Post is
Captain Kirvline and he's stopping at the hotel.
Let's go up to see him, Harry.
Yes, let's go up and get a drink.
All right.
What about the baggage ?
Our porter will attend to that.
Here we are, folks.
Quick, quick, take the luggage.
Say, this place is a berry.
We can have a swell time here.
After the way we've been betrayed in the Balkans
we can't afford to have a swell time any place.
This is our cocktail lounge.
Rather a magnificent view, isn't it ?
It's great.
What's that big bare patch down there ?
It's an airport.
We have a great deal of flying around here.
That's swell. I love aviators.
You do ?
This place looks to me like it's laying an egg.
Laying a what ?
I mean, you aren't doing much business,
I don't see many customers around.
This is between seasons.
Do you own this hotel ?
I'm the social manager.
A professional breeder, huh ?
How did you happen to get here ?
I'm a specialist in resort hotel business
all the way from Santa Barbara to St. Moritz.
Perhaps the gentlemen and ladies
would care to register now ?
No. I'm not registering until I find out what's going on.
Come on, Harry, let's settle down.
We can go to Geneva some other time.
Relax, girls. I'll attend to the bookings.
Then you do not want rooms ?
No, pal, I just came up for the view.
Evidently, Mr. Van, you're not fully aware of the current international situation.
I'm aware that the international situaton is always regrettable.
What's wrong now ?
Haven't you been reading the papers ?
In Bulgaria and Yugoslavia ? No.
We're on the verge of a war.
What ? Another one ?
When's that scheduled to begin ?
Any minute now.
That's why they've closed every frontier in Europe.
Mr. Van, I advise you to be careful how you talk.
Why ?
I'm an American citizen, I can say what I please.
There's Captain Kirvline now.
I tell you I must go across that frontier.
I cannot delay.
I only obey my orders, Dr. Waldersee.
I can't permit anyone to cross.
I must go into neutral territory to continue my experiments.
I'm a scientist.
A servant of the whole stupid human race.
I'm working on a cure for cancer, a disease of civilization.
If I delay, my experiments are ruined.
I am deeply sorry, but I have no choice.
Captain Kirvline, this is a fellow countryman of mine, Mr. Harry Van.
Will you please tell him that the train
for Switzerland will not leave tonight.
Yes, Mr. Van, that's the unhappy fact.
Listen, Captain, I've got my passports,
all seven of them. Look.
You're travelling with a large family.
It isn't exactly a family.
There they are in there. They're blondes.
Lovely girls they are too, Captain, and very intelligent.
In fact, the mothers of tomorrow.
Well, the first good thing that's happened around here in years.
Hey, girls, come here. I want you to meet the head man.
Captain Kirvline, this is Miss Shirley Laughlin,
owner of the best voice in the two continents.
Hiya, Captain.
And Miss Beulah Tremayne.
How do you do ?
Beulah's our bubble dancer. And quite a dreamer.
And next, Miss Francine Merle.
A daughter of the old South.
Very alluring, eh Captain ?
Thank you ever so much, I...
Turn it off, honey.
Next, Miss Edna Creech. She's as good as gold and twice as tough.
Hiya, toots.
Next, Miss Elaine Messiger.
I've heard she's a debutante, but she won't talk.
And next, Miss Bebe Gould,
a very, very lovely little number.
Aw, Harry...
Yeah, Bebe's our hula artist.
Come on, shake it for the Captain.
Hold it, hold it. Not at these prices.
That's very beautiful.
I congratulate you.
No, it's purely business with me, Captain.
You see, we're an act. Harry Van and Les Blondes, it's called.
Oh, he's cute.
Hm, I'll say.
Now, we've got some very attractive bookings
at a night spot in Geneva.
But we've got to be there by Thursday or else we lose the time.
Mr. Van, under these circumstances,
it's a pleasure for me to tell you
that I cannot let you pass.
But perhaps in the meantime
you will permit me to buy the young ladies a drink.
Well, all right, but only one apiece.
Oh, thank you, Captain. We'd love it.
Do you have any more soldiers around here, Captain ?
Thousands of them.
Well, I guess I might as well register.
I'll need three double rooms, two girls to a room.
And a single for me.
I promised their mothers I'd always be within earshot.
What's that ?
What is it ?
Hey, hey, what's all these sirens ? Is there a fire ?
That's the warning from the airfield down there.
They're testing combat planes in case of war.
They look pretty tough, don't they ?
Yes, they are the wings of death.
Maniacs. Obscene maniacs.
All right, all right. Finish your drinks and come on upstairs.
I'm gonna give you all a bath.
I gotta get us in Geneva,
So don't run up any bills in this dump.
There's a hairdresser here, Harry,
can't I get a finger wave ?
No !
Can we go skiing ?
And risk breaking those pretty legs ?
But it's healthy.
But you're not sick, those gambs of yours are my bread and butter.
Now remember...
... we get breakfast free here with our roommates,
so we eat plenty of that...
... to lay off on the other meals.
I'm going down to see if there are any more news.
And get off my bed.
Harry, see if there's a movie in town.
Harry, don't play informant with the Captain.
Look, Mr. Van, they're bringing out the big planes.
They're full of bombs to drop on people.
They can fly from here to Rome, Berlin or Paris.
Even all the way to London.
I like the looks of the mountains better.
You belong here in this country ?
Yes, sir. That is to say, I didn't use to.
That's my country over there.
You see, after the last war they decided
those mountains must be taken away from my country.
And I went with them.
Then one day I became a foreigner.
Even my old father, he's dead.
But all the writing on the gravestones,
they rubbed it out and translated it.
So now he's a foreigner too.
Excuse me, Mr. Van, that fine car
coming up the road must be rich people.
I'll be needed at the door.
Excuse me, please.
We have your reservation.
Thank you. Pardon me.
You're gonna be with us for a long stay, madame ?
Oh, no. I'm afraid Mr. Weber must go on at once.
But I should love to stay here in these mountains.
They're so quiet, so cold and impersonal.
We have a marvelous view from here.
This is our cocktail longe.
Very nice.
Achille, you must come and see this charming crew.
In a moment, my dear.
And from our terrace,
on a clear day you can see for 50 miles.
It really is a view of unparalelled beauty.
Oh, magnificent !
Covered with the beautiful white snow.
I think the whole world
should always be covered with snow.
It would be so much more clean, wouldn't it ?
Like in my Russia.
White Russia.
You should see the snow from the terrace, madame.
Oh, and how exciting. A flying field.
Look. All those big bombers.
There are so many of them.
Isn't it miraculous ?
Madame is interested in aviation ?
No, no.
Just ordinary flying, sportsy.
But there is no experience in life quite so thrilling...
... as a parachute jump, is there ?
I've never had that thrill, I'm ashamed to say.
Once I had to jump when I was flying over the jungle.
It was indescribable.
Frisking down, sinking into that great
green sea of enchantment and hidden danger.
And you weren't afraid ?
No, no. In moment like that,
one is given the sense of eternity.
Yes, sir.
Hm ?
Oh, get me a scotch.
And put ice in it.
If you haven't got any ice,
go out and scoop up some of that beautiful, white snow.
Yes, sir.
But your place is really charming.
I must tell everyone in Paris about it.
We are rather proud of it.
There is something about this design.
It suggests...
... an amusing kind of horror.
It is like somebody's tomb, isn't it ?
What's that ?
It's merely some kind of warning. They're testing it.
Warning ? Warning against what ?
I believe it's for use in case of war.
War ?
But there will be no war.
Yes, Irena.
There will be no war, will there ?
No, there'll be no war.
They're all too much well prepared.
Ah, there, you see ?
They will not fight.
Mr. Weber say so, and he know.
Wish to see your suite now, Mr. Weber ?
Yes, if you please.
Achille, I am mad about this place.
We must be sure to tell everyone about this place.
We must make it fashionable at once.
Say, who is that ?
That's Achille Weber,
one of the biggest men in Europe.
I used to see him often at St. Moritz.
No, who's the dame ?
I assume she's his wife.
You only assume it, eh ?
Are you implying that she's not ?
No, I'm not implying anything.
I'm just being kind of bewildered.
White Russia.
Parachute jumper.
Put it down there.
Very good, sir.
Thanks, pal.
Bitte, mineral wasser.
Ya wohl, herr doktor.
Old museum piece. Period of Louis XV.
You gotta hoard your gum over here.
What is that you're playing ?
It's an old Russian song entitled Kaak Strana
Meaning "How Strange".
One of those morose ballads about
how once we met for one immortal moment.
Like ships that pass in the night.
Or maybe like a couple of drunks sideswiping each other.
And now, I got a hunch we meet again.
How strange.
I'm afraid I was rude to you before.
Aw, that's all right, pal.
I've been rude to lots of people and never regretted it.
Sorry you should worry about a punk like me.
You've got important work to do for the benefit of humanity.
You too work for humanity, Mr. Van.
Me ?
Yes, you are a musician.
That's a nice name for it.
I used to play piano in picture theatres
when that was the only sound they had...
... except for peanuts.
Listen to this.
The waters of the Minetawk...
... suitable for scenics, Niagara Falls by moonlight.
Or if you can play it like this...
Goes fine with the scene when the young Indian Chief
turns out to be a Yale man.
I've turned my head to about everything,
including your line of business.
My business ?
Yeah, Dr. Maltese's elixir, the medical remedy.
A remedy for what, may I ask ?
It was a cure for almost everything.
All my life I've been selling phony goods
to people of meager intelligence and great faith.
Hey Harry, have those officers come up here yet ?
Not yet.
Don't be discouraged.
Sit down.
I'm feeling in a generous mood.
I'm gonna buy you all a drink.
What ?
It's only my bracelet, Achille.
Because you like them.
My dear, there's certainly nobody else
in this dismal hotel who can appreciate your charms.
We'll have dinner in there.
Did you get your telephone call ?
Yes, I spoke to Falvero.
He was very apologetic over this delay.
But everything is arranged for us to proceed tomorrow.
I think I shall go downstairs and have a glass of vodka.
But why, we can have it sent up here.
No, Achille...
... I would prefer to have it down there.
With all those gentle people gaping at you ?
I don't mind. I love people.
I shall come right back.
I will go with you. It may be amusing.
Good afternoon, madame.
Good afternoon, Mr. Weber.
Good afternoon, Mr. Navadel.
It is a lovely view.
It is like a landscape on the moon.
Get a load of that.
Isn't she gorgeous ?
I bet you she's a duchess.
Well, anyway, a princess.
Hey, Harry, what are you looking at ?
She looks to me like a phony.
Hi, Cap.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Where's all of your boyfriends, Cap ?
Excuse me a moment, please.
Mr. Weber, Madame.
Captain Kirvline, Commandant of the frontier station.
How do you do ?
Just received instructions that you were here, Mr. Weber.
I am to be of assistance to you in every possibe way.
Thank you very much. Won't you join us ?
Thank you, sir.
What would you like ?
Brandy and soda, please.
Irena ?
Vodka, if you please.
Vermouth for me.
If you please, sir.
Where are they going, Achille ?
Probably moving to another airbase farther from the frontier.
Isn't that so, Captain ?
Yes, I imagine so.
Are they gonna keep that up forever ?
They're gonna have to get us some ear muffs, Harry.
Hello, Mr. Quillary. Sit down and have one.
I'm buying.
Keep drinking and be merry, for tomorrow we starve.
Except for breakfast.
I've just heard some very ugly rumors down in town.
They say that war has already been declared.
Rumors, rumors, everything's rumors.
When are we going to know ?
Soon enough, heaven help us.
But we'll stop this war.
We'll save the human race from plunging
into a mass murder, mass suicide.
Say, what's your line of business, Mr. Quillary ?
I'm a preacher, Mr. Van.
You don't say so, a preacher, huh ?
But not in a church.
I used to be a worker in an industry that made poison gas.
It gave me ideas.
Since then I've gone about the world preaching
the message of peace, the brotherhood of man.
You've got a great idea there, pal. Stick to it.
Did you hear what they're saying ?
I heard, but I couldn't understand.
About the war. It's already been declared.
That means I'll go and demand
that they let me cross the border at once.
That's right, pal. If you're gonna save the world,
you've got no time to lose.
Harry, what's it all about ?
I'll tell you later.
Hey, Don. Set up the music,
some of these young people wanna dance.
Come on boys, give us a tune with a lot of oomph.
Come on, babe.
Nothing from Berlin, except Wagner.
Try Paris, perhaps we can get some news from there.
There... that's from the Paris station.
Silent. I'll try another.
Try at 1016, Captain Kirvline, that's also Paris.
Thank you.
Probably code messages
from the Ministry of War to the Army.
If we could only read them.
Seems to me everybody would be much happier in here
if they only knew how to make coffee.
There. That's a station at Prague.
Do you understand any of that, Achille ?
No, not a word.
Neither do I.
Can I suggest you try London ?
"And now to conclude our news program,
we shall give you the results of the day's
more important football matches.
Sheffield United 2, Birmingham 1.
England is England still.
I'll try and get through.
Will the wires be open, Captain ?
Yes, I'll try to arrange it, Mr. Weber.
I'll be up presently, Achille.
You look unhappy, Mr. and Mrs. Cherry.
I'm afraid so, but it's difficult to be
cheerful under these circumstances, isn't it ?
You must forget the circumstances.
Come here and drink some vodka with me.
We'd love to.
I've never tasted vodka before.
Then it is high time.
And your friend, I do not know his name.
Oh, Mr. Van, may I present Madame... Madame...
How do you do ?
Glad to make your acquaintance, Madame.
You will join us in a glass of vodka ?
Thank you.
Three glasses, August.
Yes, Madame.
Please sit down, Mr. Van.
I know why you're depressed, Mrs. Cherry.
It is the altitude.
After the first exhileration,
... there comes a depressive reaction
Especially for you, who are accostumed to the heavy
"Pigwigean" atmosphere of England.
"Pigwiggean" ?
Yes, "Pigwig". Oliver Twist.
You know, your Dickens.
You know England, Madame ?
Of course I know England.
My governess was a sweet old ogre from your north country.
And when I was a little girl, I used to visit often at Sandringham.
Sandringham ?
Yes, but that was before your time.
It was in the reign of dear, gay King Edward
and his beautiful Alexandra.
I used to have such fun playing with my cousin David.
He used to try to teach me to play cricket.
And when I couldn't swing the bat properly he said,
"Oh, you Russians will never be civilized."
And when I went home to Petersburg,
I told to my uncle what David had said
and he was so amused.
But now we must drink our vodka.
With your permission.
I drink to his most gracious majesty the King,
... and the President of your United States.
Thanks, I'm sure he'll appreciate that.
No, no. You must drink it right down.
Like this.
There, you see ?
The second glass will go more easily.
I hope so.
You are not married for a long time ?
We were married the day before yesterday.
No ! How thrilling !
Let me offer my congratulations.
Thank you very much.
We were married in Florence, you see.
I've been studying painting there.
We both love Italy.
How wonderful.
Florence is the most perfect place to be married in.
Don't you think so, Mr. Van ?
I guess any place is perfect for that purpose.
Oh, no. Not your America.
Too dull. Too much business. Not enough romance.
You've been in America ?
Oh, yes.
I have seen it all.
New York, Washington, Palm Beach.
No, no, I said America.
Have you ever been in the West ?
Certainly, I have.
I flew across your continent.
Did you ever make any parachute landings
in any places like Kansas or Iowa ?
Or Nebraska ?
No. On that flight I had no parachute.
You like the vodka now ?
It feels marvelous. In here.
I used to laugh so at your funny British Tommies in your country.
They all hated vodka
until one of them thought of mixing it with beer.
How awful !
It was.
But I shall be forever grateful to them, those Tommies.
They saved my life when I escaped from the Soviets.
For days and nights, I don't know how many...
... I was driving through the snow.
Snow, snow, snow, snow...
... in a little sleigh...
... with the dead body of my father beside me.
I was in agony from the bayonet boons of the Bolsheviki.
And the wolves were running along like an escort of dragoons.
You must have been dreadfully afraid.
Oh, no.
I was not afraid for myself.
It was the thought of my father.
Oh, please. I know you don't want to talk about it any more.
Oh, no. It is so far away now.
But I shall never forget the moment
when I came to through the haze of delirium...
... and saw the faces of those Tommies...
... those simple, friendly faces.
And the snow, the wolves and the terrible cold,
they were all gone.
And I was looking at Kew Gardens.
It was a Sunday afternoon.
A sea of golden daffodils
fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
In the face of real danger,
one forgets to be afraid, don't you think so, Mr. Van ?
I don't know.
I was scared stiff once.
It was when I was working with a mindreading act.
Really ?
You mean you read people's minds ?
I can see right through'em.
Oh !
How embarassing.
I was playing a week in Omaha.
Have you ever been in Omaha, Madame ?
Omaha ?
Where is that ?
Persia ?
It's in Nebraska.
That's one of our States.
If you please, madame,
Mr. Weber would like to see you, if convenient.
Thank you.
You must tell me later about that mindreading, Mr. Van.
Whenever you're free.
And do finish the vodka, all of it.
Thank you very much, Madame.
It will help you both so much.
She's an amazing woman, isn't she ?
Amazing is a feeble word for her.
Well did you get them to call off the war ?
I only learned that
when the borders are opened we'll be notified.
Is there any news ?
Not in this patriotic journal.
Unconfirmed reports from Vienna,
London, Rome, Berlin, Moscow, Tokyo.
Not a confirmed line from the local censored press.
If you want to know what is really happening
you must ask the great Mr. Achille Weber upstairs
He can give you all the war news because he made it.
You don't know who the great Mr. Achille Weber is, do you ?
Well, I'll tell you.
He's been organizing the arms industry.
Munitions for murder.
In every part of the world,
the good desires of men for peace and decency
is undermined by the dynamite of ingenuism.
So it takes only a spark set off anywhere to send it up into one fatal explosion.
Then love becomes hatred,
courage becomes terror and hope becomes despair.
And it's very nice for Mr. Achille Weber,
because he is master of the one real League of Nations...
... the League of the Merchants of Death.
Who speaks ?
I speak.
The eminent Dr. Hugo Waldersee.
If you love your country so much,
why aren't you there now with your rats ?
I am not concerned with politics, I'm a scientist.
That's right, Herr Doktor, you are a scientist.
And a servant of the people.
And yet you know that if you were in your own country,
you'd have to abandon your cure for cancer.
It might benefit too many people.
Your duty would be not to cure, but to kill.
You and your fight against disease and death
would be a Judas goat in a slaughterhouse.
I say, Quillary, do you have to have
so much talk about blood just before dinner ?
Just before dinner ?
That's all you worry about.
What do you care that civilization is falling to pieces,
as long as you have your dinner in your dinner jacket ?
I'm sorry, Quillary, I think we'd better conclude the discussion out on the terrace.
Jimmy, don't be a fool, you'll gain nothing by this discussion.
Mr. Cherry, I'm at your disposal.
If you can't discuss this as a gentleman, Mr. Quillary...
Now listen, folks. There's no reason for any heat
under the collar. We're all buddies here.
Mr. Van is right. There's no reason for any heat.
My apologies, Mr. Cherry.
That's all right, old man.
Come and have a drink.
Thank you.
My apologies to you too, Herr Doktor.
I ask for no apologizing.
I let my speach run away with me
because I have hatred for certain things.
You should hate them too.
They are the things that make us blind.
And ignorant, and dirty.
How would it be if I and the girls
put on part of our acts here tonight ?
For the purpose of wholesome merriment.
And relieveing the general tension.
What kind of an act is it ?
Don't say what kind of act is it in that tone of voice.
Good enough for this place.
We'll omit the bubble dance.
But I can have Bebe do the hula number
if there's a special request for it.
Do you expect to get paid for this ?
Certainly not. I'm offering this
out of the the goodness of my heart.
Of course if you care to make any
appropriate adjustments on the hotel bills...
Ok, Mr. Van, if you think you can entertain us.
I'll get the girls ready.
What time do you want the show to go on ?
After we eat.
They've what ?
Just as I thought.
Those bombers have gone off on an air raid.
The one mad dog act of violence
all Europe has been fearing.
The the next war has started, Achille ?
With avengeance.
But I thought you said they will not fight.
No one could predict what they would do in their desperation.
We must get out of here quickly.
I will send some telegrams.
It'll soon be found out that some of the bombers
came from this airbase.
Tomorrow night they'll come over here for revenge.
That will be exciting to see.
What, an air raid ?
Yes. With bombs bursting in the snow.
Sending up great great geysers of diamonds.
Great geysers of us perhaps.
No, my dear, we leave at once for Biarritz.
It's healthier there.
I can imagine how thrilling it must be in Paris at this moment.
Just like 1914.
All the lovely soldiers singing, marching, marching.
I am so happy for you, Achille.
What, my dear ?
I said I am so happy for you.
Happy, why ?
All this wonderful death and destruction everywhere
And you promoted it.
You have a superb imagination, my dear.
It's the quality in you that fascinates me most.
It's what has made you such a brilliant and admirable liar,
and all very helpful to me.
Am I right ?
Of course you're right, Achille.
Had I been bound by any self-respect for the truth
I should never have escaped from the Soviets.
I'm sure of it.
Did I ever tell of my escape from the Soviets ?
You've told me about it at least eleven times
and every time it was different.
... I made several escapes.
I am always making escapes, Achille.
When I'm worrying about you and your career,
... I have to run away from the terror of my own thoughts.
I amuse myself by studying the faces of the people I see.
Ordinary, casual, dull people.
That little English couple, for instance.
I was watching them during dinner,
sitting there close together holding hands.
And I saw him in his nice, smart British uniform...
... shooting a little pistol at a huge tank.
And a tank rolls over him...
... and his fine, strong body
that was so full of the capacity for ecstasy...
... is a mass of mashed flesh and bones...
... a smear of purple blood, like a stepped-on snail.
But before the moment of death,
he consoles himself by thinking...
... thank God she is safe.
She is bearing the child I gave her.
And he will live to see a better world.
But I know where she is.
She is under a house that has been wrecked by an air raid.
She is as dead as he is.
But he died in action against the enemy gloriously.
But she died in a cellar....
... not so very gloriously.
There will be many who will die that way in this war,
won't there, Achille ?
You don't say anything.
Probably you are bored.
But I like to think about these things, Achille.
And it makes me so proud to think that I am so close to you...
... who makes all this possible.
That's all very interesting, my dear.
But before you waste too much sympathy
on these little people, like your English friends,
just ask yourself this:
Why shouldn't they die ?
And who are the greater criminals ?
Those who sell the instruments of death
or those who buy them and use them ?
It is they who make war seem noble and heroic.
And what does it all amount to ?
Mistrust of the motives of everyone else. A dog in the manger in defense of all they've got.
Greed for the other fellow's possessions.
I assure you, Irena.
For such little people,
the deadliest weapons are the most merciful.
Quiet. Ladies and gentlemen, quiet, please.
Thank you so much.
The management of the hotel Montaloda
has the privilege and the pleasure
of presenting for your entertainment tonight...
A troupe of outstanding American artists...
... who have lately been touring Europe scoring notable triumphs
in Monte Carlo and other centers of gaiety.
I know that you will join with us in giving a
really rousing, rip-roaring reception...
... to Harry Van and Les Blondes.
Mr. Van.
Hello, people, and thank you Don for
the very lovely introduction you gave us...
All I can say is thanks a million
and I won't settle for a cent less.
In our modest act tonight we'll be ably assisted
by Professor Polovan and his talented little team.
Give him a hand, folks.
Please remember, we haven't have much time for rehearsal
so I pray for your indulgence as the rhythm isn't all strictly kosher.
Thanks for that laugh, pal.
Thank you very much indeed.
All I ask of you is that Christian pearl of charity,
to quote our great American poet John Greenleaf Wittier.
Give him a hand, folks.
Okeedokee, play it away.
It will be amusing, Achille.
I hope so.
If you're blue
And you dont know where to go to
Why don't you go where Harlem sits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Spangled gowns upon a bevy of high browns
From down the levee, all misfits
Puttin' on the Ritz
That's where each and every lulubelle goes
Ev'ry Thursday evening with her swell beaus
Rubbing elbows
Come with me and we'll attend their jubilee
And see them spend their last two bits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Bravo ! Bravo !
Hear that applause ?
Come on.
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
Why don't you go where Harlem sits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Spangled gowns upon a bevy of high browns
From down the levee, all misfits
Puttin' on the Ritz
That's where each and every lulubelle goes...
I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Van,
for interrupting your entertainment like this but...
.. after your charming young ladies have changed, I wonder...
... do you think they could be persuaded
to have a drink with my comrades ?
Yes, I think they could.
Tell the boys to sit down.
After this next number girls, you can join the army.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, our next number...
... will be a solo presentation by Miss Bebe Gould entitled
"Shame on You ".
Hit it again.
Shame on you
you loveless lover...
I wake up so you discover
someone making eyes and taking you right out of my blue arms.
Shame on you
It isn't funny
Have you heard the news ?
No. What happened ?
There's been an air raid. A terrible air raid.
Shh. There's an entertainment going on here.
Entertainment ?
While tens of thousands of innocent
people are dead or dying, an entertainment ?
If you cannot keep quiet, I must ask you to leave.
Keep it up girls, keep it up.
Tonight they dropped 50.000 kilos of terrible death...
This is no time for a news bulletin.
How do you know this ?
It's on the wire, it's everywhere.
And I just talked to one of the mechanics...
The planes from that very field down there...
Sit down, will you, pal ?
We're trying to give a little entertainment.
While you sit here eating and drinking,
airplanes drop 50.000 kilos of bombs on innocent people.
Heaven knows how many were killed.
How much of life and beauty is forever destroyed...
... and you sit here eating and drinking with them, the murderers.
With their planes from that very field down there.
Assassins !
Here, here, we can't have any skull cracking in this club.
Captain, speak to your men before they attack him.
I'll take charge.
Jimmy, you keep out of this.
I curse you, assassins !
Now, listen, pal.
Harry, don't get yourself mixed up in this mess.
We stand together.
It's all right, Captain. I can handle this.
Now stop shooting off your face.
We curse you and curse the villain wthat sent you
on this errand of death.
Mr. Quillary, if you don't shut your mouth
I'll be forced to arrest you.
Go on, you toy soldiers, commit national suicide.
It's the last gesture left to you.
It's all right, Captain.
Mr. Quillary's for peace.
He's going home to stop the war.
You're not authorized to speak for me.
I'm competent to say what I feel.
And what I say is he that taketh up the sword
shall die by the sword.
And you too shall die, murderers !
Mr. Quillary, you are under arrest.
Go on, call out the firing squads !
Shoot me dead.
But don't think you can silence the truth that's in me.
Down with your Germany murderers.
Shoot me ! Go on, shoot me.
Excuse me, my dear. Some important business.
I'll leave you with your charming friends.
Better carry on your turn, old man.
No, the act is called.
Hey, maestro, give us some dance music.
Let dancing become general.
Will you dance with me ?
Why, yes. I should love it.
The horrors of that terrible journey had broken his body.
but his spirit was strong.
The spirit that is Russian.
He lay there in that little boat...
... and he looked up at me...
Never can I forget his face.
So pale, so white.
So beautiful in the starry night.
And he said to me...
Irena, little daughter...
And then... he died.
For four days I was alone with his body.
Sailing through the storms of the Black Sea.
I had no food, no water.
I was in agony from the
bayonet boons of the Bolsheviki,
I knew I must die.
But then an American cruiser rescued me.
May heaven bless those good men.
Excuse me, madame, but it seems to me
the last time you told me about your escape
it was different.
Well, I made several escapes.
But I have talked too much about myself.
What about you, my friend ?
I'm not very interesting.
I'm just what I seem to be.
Really ?
Why do you waste yourself in degraded work ?
You think I'm fitted for something
that requires more mentality ?
Of course.
How do you know so much about me ?
For one thing, I saw your performance tonight.
You thought it was rotten ?
I thought it was unworthy.
Unfortunately it was interrupted.
I saw enough.
You are a very bad dancer.
In Romania they thought I was pretty good.
Do you know that you can be extremely rude ?
Me ? How ?
Why do you stare at me so ?
Was I staring ?
Steadily. Ever since I arrived here this morning.
Why do you do it ?
Well, I thought I detected a funny kind of resemblance
to somebody I used to know.
You should know better than to tell any woman
that she resembles someone else.
We none of us like to think that our appearence is commonplace.
The one you looked like wasn't commonplace.
Oh !
She was someone dear and dear to you ?
She occupies a unique shrine in the temple of my memory.
Really ?
That is a glowing tribute.
The temple of your memory must be so crowded.
Are you sure you've never been in Omaha, Madame ?
Oh, yes !
That is where you said you did...
What was it ?
Mind reading.
Of course.
No, I'm afraid I do not know your Omaha.
But I have seen enough of your countrymen
to know that you are typical.
I'm not typical of anything.
Oh, yes you are.
You are an ingenious, sentimental idealist.
You believe in the goodness of human nature, don't you ?
You can call that sentimental, Mrs. Weber, but it's true.
Forgive me, but that is not my name.
Oh, I thought you...
I know what you thought.
Mr. Weber and I are associated
in a sort of business way.
I see. Business is pretty good, isn't it ?
But it is getting late,
and I am keeping you from your duties.
I haven't got any duties.
Hello, Harry. How are we doing ?
Shouldn't you be worried about your young ladies ?
I thought you were supposed to be the chaperone.
I leave the girls to their own resources.
Of which they have plenty.
There you are, staring at me again.
I was just thinking.
You said you were interested in aviation.
So was the girl I knew in Omaha.
She swung from the tail of a tin aeroplane by her teeth.
What an extraordinary way to make a living.
Excuse me, were you always a blonde ?
Why, yes. As far back as I can remember.
But that other one, the one I remind you of,
was she blond ?
She had red hair.
But I suspected even that.
Tell me, what was she like ?
She said she was a graduate of the University of Vienna.
And she was the fanciest liar I ever knew.
She sounds fascinating.
She was a pest.
One night she broke up the mindreading act.
And then she had the nerve
to ask me to teach her the code.
I had a terrible time getting rid of her.
She even forced her way into my room at the hotel.
Oh, dear !
I hope you didn't teach her the code.
But I really must go now.
Do you know any Russian songs ?
Oh, yes. When I was a little girl, my father
used to engage Chaliapin to come often to our house.
He taught me many songs.
Hm, Chaliapin. Your father spared no expense.
That was in old Russia.
Do you know this one ?
Oh ! Kaak Strana.
How Strange.
How strange...
What did you say your name was ?
How do you spell it ?
That's it. Irene !
But why ?
I knew it. You're the one.
What one ?
That redheaded liar, Irene. I knew I couldn't be mistaken.
Ah, there are so many by that name.
Not like you, babe.
Everything fits, the name, the face,
the voice, Chaliapin, old Russia...
Certainly it's you.
And there's no use shaking your head...
No matter how much you lie you can't wipe out
the memory of the Royal Grand Hotel in Omaha.
The what Hotel ?
Go ahead and laugh,
that blond hair had me fooled for a minute...
... but it's just as phony as that parachute jump into the jungle.
Oh, you amuse me.
It's a pleasure to be entertaining,
but you can't get away with it.
You amuse me very much indeed.
Here we are, on a mountain peak in bedlam.
Tonight war is breaking over the world...
And all you worry about is whether
I am a girl you once met casually in Omahahaha.
Hahaha, did I say it was casual ?
Oh, it is amusing. Sure it is, it's absolutely sizefitting.
but don't think for one minute there's any more doubt in my mind.
I've got you tagged.
Good night, my friend, my bonnie friend.
Good night.
And thank you for making me laugh so much tonight.
And what did you say was the name of that hotel ?
The Royal Grand.
Oh, yes...
The Royal Grand.
You may recall it had one of those
old air-conditioned elevators just like this one.
The Royal Grand.
The Royal Grand.
They're mine. Thank you, Harry dear.
I couldn't believe we were leaving a place
without one of you overlooking something.
Now, we're going to Geneva, girls.
It's a very important city and we've gotta make good.
If we're good there, we're all set for London and Paris.
Maybe we'll make enough money to get us home.
Oh, don't speak of such a thing.
To give our real decent head a rest again.
I reached a decision last night about the act.
What is it, Harry ?
From now on I do no more dancing.
Why ? What ?
We gotta have you in the routine, Harry.
I've decided hoofing hurts me. It's undignified.
From now on I devote myself to the more intelectual side of the act.
And, of course, the negotiations of contract.
What made you decide that, Harry ?
I'm a thinker, not a performer.
Say, what were you talking about to that Russian number ?
We discussed world conditions.
Oh. And how are world conditions ?
Hello, girls. I just want to tell you that orders have come through.
The frontier will be open at 5 o'clock and we'll all be allowed to pass.
You're going too, Don ?
I cetainly am.
But you got a swell job here.
This place is finished.
They know where those planes came from last night
and the same thing'll happen here.
Boom, boom. So it's California here I come.
And run right into the Japs.
You'd better stop off in Oklahoma City.
I'm going down to see about the passports.
Harry, can't we go too. I'm afraid.
No, wait here till I call you.
Mr. and Mrs. Cherry, here you are.
Thank you, Captain.
You're leaving, Mr. Cherry ?
Our country is coming into this business and
so there's nothing for it.
The honeymoon's over, eh ?
Yes, Jimmy feels he has to do his bit.
Don't worry, darling.
The war will be over before I even get into a uniform.
That's what they said in 1914.
Goodbye, Captain.
Goodbye, and good luck and hapiness to both of you.
Thank you, Captain.
Come, my sweet.
See you on the bus, Mr. Van.
Frankly, Captain, my heart bleeds for them.
They come up here to spend their honeymoon on skis...
... and now they have to go back and fight
to make the world safe for democracy.
It is a tragedy.
Mr. Van, here are your passports.
With my compliments, you'll find them duly stamped.
Thank you, Captain.
How about Mr. Weber and the Madame,
are they leaving too ?
Oh, yes, their passports are right here.
If I may advise you, Mr. Van, better make ready to leave.
The train will be leaving in about 45 minutes.
Ok, Captain, I'll see about the trunks.
Is everything in order ?
Quite, Mr. Weber. Here it is.
Thank you. And Madame's ?
Oh, Mr. Weber...
... this is an unusual kind of passport.
It has given us quite some worry.
She was born in Russia, so she says.
But ever since she was a child
she has been wandering around the world
belonging to no country.
I secured this passport for her from the League of Nations.
I see. Well, since Madame is traveling with you,
I'll be glad to approve her visa.
But Madame is not traveling with me.
... wasn't it understood that you vouched for her ?
No one need vouch for Madame.
She's quite capable of taking care of herself.
If her passport is not in order, that's no affair of mine.
But Mr. Weber...
... you put me in a very embarassing position.
I'll be forced to detain her.
You're a soldier, my dear Captain.
You should be used to being placed in embarassing positions.
No doubt you were in a very embarassed
when you had to shoot that confused little pacifist Quillary, huh ?
This is war, Captain, and...
Thank you, I'll look after my luggage.
You have my passport visa ?
Yes, Mr. Waldersee.
Hi, doctor. You get your rats packed ?
There you are.
I can tell you, doctor.
I'm gonna be proud to have known you.
When I read in the papers that you've wiped out cancer...
... and won the Nobel Prize,
and you're the greatest hero in the world...
... I'll be able to say: He's a personal friend of mine.
He once admired my music.
Thank you very much.
This visa is good for crossing all borders ?
Yes, certainly, doctor.
But you're going to Zurich, aren't you ?
I've changed my plans. I'm going back to my home.
We are at war. Maybe I shall be needed.
Needed for what ?
I shall offer my services for what they are worth.
What about your rats ?
Why should I save people who don't want to be saved ?
So they can go out and exterminate each other ?
As for my rats, maybe they will be useful.
There will be another blockade of my country
and we will be starving.
Maybe I will cut my rats into filets...
... and eat them.
Now, wait a minute, doctor.
You're not thinking what you're doing.
I'm thinking that probably
the remedy you sold is better than mine.
Hasten to apply it.
We are all diseased.
I'm sorry to disappoint you about the Nobel Prize.
Goodbye, Doctor.
Good Luck.
Why can't anybody answer the question everybody's asking ?
I know the obvious answers, but that's not good enough.
Weber and a million like them can't take the credit for all of this.
Who is it that does a dirty trick like this
to a lot of decent people ?
Why do you let them get away with, that's what I'd like to know.
My friend, we have avalanches up here.
They're disastrous.
They start with a tiny little crack in the ice,
so small you can't even see it.
Until suddenly it bursts wide open and then it's too late.
That's a very slick explanation, Captain, but it doesn't satisfy me.
Because this avalanche isn't made of ice,
it's made of flesh and blood, and brains.
Yes, I know.
Feel a lot better about the situation, Mr. Van ?
Good afternoon, my dear Captain Kirvline.
Good afternoon, madame.
I've had the most superb rest here.
The atmosphere here is so calm, so soothing.
I can't bear to think that we are going to Biarritz
with the dull, dismal old sea pounding in my ears.
We are leaving now, Achille ?
I believe some difficulties have arisen.
What difficulties ?
Yes, Madame.
Madame, this passport of yours presents certain problems...
Mr. Weber will settle the problems
whatever they are, won't you, Achille ?
There seems to be some question about your nationality.
It states here that your birthplace is uncertain, but assumed to be Armenia.
I have never before had the slightest difficulty about my passport.
It was issued by the League of Nations.
Madame, the fact is that circumstances
over which I have no control...
... compel me to deny you permission
to cross the frontier at this time.
I'm sure you'll appreciate the delicacy of my position.
Perhaps we'll be able to adjust this matter tomorrow.
I should stay over, of course, my dear...
... but you know how dangerous that would be
even if I delayed my return for even so much as one day.
I've been in touch with our agents...
... and the War Ministry is demanding
that production of all munitions be doubled, trebled at once.
Of course.
I'm sure this will take care of all necessary expenses.
And I don't think you'll be inconvenienced very long.
I suggest you go towards the East, Athens, possibly.
There's no danger there.
Thank you, Achille.
Thank you for having managed this so very, very tactfully.
You are a genuinely superior person, my dear.
It is a privilege to have known you.
Thank you again, Achille.
Goodbye, Irena.
Tough luck, babe.
It's no matter.
I talked to the Captain.
He can't explain what went wrong.
But you can trust him.
He won't be as ruthless as the Bolsheviki were.
I mean, you won't suffer any bayonet boons.
He'll see that you get through tomorrow.
You want to be encouraging, my friend,
but that could be of no use.
Hey, Harry, it's time to go.
I'll be right there.
Go away, go away with your friends.
If I am to remain here, it's no concern of yours.
Listen, babe, I haven't any wish to...
Please don't call me babe.
Even if I don't believe anything you say
I can see pretty plainly that you're in a tough spot.
Considering our friendship back in The Royal Grand Hotel...
Must you always be in Omaha ?
I wanna help you Irene.
Isn't there something I can do ?
You are very kind and very gallant,
but unfortunately you are no match for Achille Weber.
He has decided that I shall remain here.
And the decision is final.
Harry, come on !
What's he got against you ?
He's afraid of me.
I know too much about his methods
of promoting his own business.
Everybody knows about his methods.
Even Quillary was talking about them last night.
Yes, and what happened to Quillary ?
That's what happens to everyone who dares to criticize him.
Last night I did the one thing he could never forgive.
I told him the truth.
At last I told him just what I think.
And now you see how quickly he strikes back ?
Harry, the bus is gonna leave.
All right, all right.
But we gotta go this minute.
I'll be right there. Get out.
How do you like that. He stops everything
to make another pass at that Russian.
Go ahead. You can't help me. No one can.
... if it will make you any happier
in your future travels with Les Blondes...
... I will tell you, yes...
... I did know you slightly in Omaha.
So you've decided to break down and admit it at last.
I can't believe it.
Perhaps you're lying again.
It was room 274.
Does that convince you ?
How can I remember what room it was ?
Then you will never be sure, Mr. Van.
Harry !
We can't wait another instant.
They're gonna go off without us.
We'll get stuck here.
Hurry, you're letting down the act.
Goodbye, Harry.
Goodbye again.
Oh, Harry, come on.
Let's go.
Oh, all right.
Why, Dumpsty.
Good afternoon, madame.
What is that costume ?
They called me up.
Look. I'm a soldier.
You look splendid.
If you please, madame.
But why didn't you go on that bus ?
I have decided to stay here and enjoy the winter sports.
This isn't a good place any more, madame.
They said the war is very big.
Bigger than the last time.
The enemy will be over here with the bombs.
It will be thrilling for us if they do, Dumpsty.
Maybe it will, madame,
but I came to say goodbye to Auguste, the barman.
He's a cousin of mine.
He will laugh when he sees me in these clothes.
Thank you, madame.
Bring bottle of champagne and two glasses.
We'll have drink together.
If you please, madame.
Your luggage is in the hall, madame.
Will you wish it taken to the same suite ?
No, thank you.
Have you anything smaller ?
Smaller ?
We have smaller rooms on the other side of the hotel.
I will have the smallest. It will be cosier.
Wish to go to it now ?
No, thank you. You can send up the luggage,
I will look at it later.
Very well.
I was right, madame.
August laughed very much.
You'll enjoy being a soldier, Dumpsty.
Oh yes, madame. If I'm taken prisoner soon enough.
Go ahead and pour yourself one.
Thank you so much, madame.
I wasn't sure I heard you correctly.
Here's to you, Dumpsty.
And to you, madame, if you please.
Thank you.
Who do you think will win this war, Dumpsty ?
I know nothing of that, madame.
I expect it will be like the last time.
Whoever wins, my country will lose.
They will all lose, Dumpsty.
If you please, madame.
Now I must go, if you will excuse me.
Here's for you.
Goodbye, and God bless you.
Thank you so much, madame.
Did you have some trouble ?
Whose is that champagne ?
Mine, won't you have some ?
Dumpsty used that glass.
That's all right.
What happened ?
Didn't you get across the border ?
The girls did.
There was a train waiting on the other side.
Mr. and Mrs. Cherry promised to look out for them.
They'll be okay.
And you came back to me.
It seems fairly obvious that I did come back.
You meant it when you said you wanted to help me.
You said I'd never be sure.
Well, I came back to tell you that I am sure.
I got to thinking it over in the bus
and I came to the conclusion that it was room 274.
Or close to it anyway.
Somehow or other, I couldn't help feeling touched to think
of all the sordid hotels you've been in
you should have remembered that one.
The age of chivalry still lives.
What ?
I said romance is not dead.
Somewhere in that funny music hall soul of yours
is the spirit of a knight in shining armour.
You give up everything, risk your life,
walk unafraid into the valley of the shadows...
... to aid and comfort a damsel in distress. Isn't that the truth ?
Yes, that's the truth. Plainly and simply put.
Give me some more champagne.
Another bottle of champagne.
Hi, Captain.
Mr. Van. What's happened ?
Was there some mistake at the frontier ?
No, no mistake.
It's just that I'm an incurable sap, I guess.
I'll be seeing you, Captain.
Look, Harry.
The souvenir of Omaha.
I told you then that I wasn't everybody.
And it's true. I'm nobody.
But I learned that it's no use telling the truth
to people whose whole life is a lie.
So I thought if I told lies big enough, I'd make myself big.
But I can't lie to you, Harry.
You're different from all the rest.
All these years you've been surrounded by blondes
and you've loved only me.
Quit pawing me, will you ?
If you're hooking up with me
it's for professional reasons only, see ?
Yes, I see.
And what's more, I'm the manager.
I'll fix it with the Captain
so we can get across the border tomorrow.
Or the next day, or soon.
We'll join up with the girls in Geneva.
And while we're working there,
you and I will rehearse the code.
The code ?
Of course, the code.
I'll learn it easily.
I shall be the greatest mind reader in the world.
If you're gonna qualify for this act with me you gotta lay off the liquor.
I mean, after this is gone.
It's a well known fact that booze and science don't mix.
I don't think I shall use my own name. No.
Americans would mispronounce it horribly.
I shall call myself Namura.
Namura, the Great.
Assisted by Harry Van.
I shall wear a black velvet dress, very plain.
My skin, of course, ivory white.
I must have something to hold.
One white flower.
No, a little white prayer book.
That's it. A little white...
What's that ?
What is it, Captain ?
Enemy airplanes. Reprisal for last night.
They have come to destroy our base here.
I see.
They have no reason to attack this hotel,
but accidents might easily happen. I advise the cellar.
Please, madame. Please, do come.
In a moment, Captain.
I entreat you, madame, not to be reckless.
I have enough on my conscience right now
without having to add to it your innocent life.
Don't worry, Captain. Death and I are old friends.
God be with you, Madame.
They are bombing us.
Everyone is going to the cellar.
Thanks, pal.
I wouldn't like to die in a cellar, would you, Harry ?
No, but that's where we're going. Come on.
I love you, Harry.
And you adore me, don't you, darling ?
Did I ever say so ?
No, of course not. You'd never admit it.
We won't have to die in the cellar after all, Harry.
Nor in any other place if I can help it.
Harry !
Do you realize the whole world has gone to war ?
The whole world.
I realize it, but don't ask me why.
I've stopped trying to figure it out.
I know why it is.
The intention to kill us, you and me, is because we are the little people.
And for us, the deadliest weapons are the most merciful.
I never cared before, Harry, but now I want to live.
So do I, but if we don't, let's hope we make a fast exit.
And together.
Nice try, buddy, but you missed it.
Do you know any hymns ?
What ?
Do you know any hymns ?
Sure. Sure I do.
Which one ?
Any one.
Something you used to sing when you were a little boy.
"Abide with me; fast falls the eventide"
"The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide"
"When other helpers fail and comforts flee"
"Help of the helpless..."
I loved you all the time, Irene.
Thanks for telling me, darling.
I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness
Where is deaths sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.
Look, Harry !
They've gone away.