If.... (1968) Movie Script
Stand up, stand up
For College
Each manly voice upraise
Clasp each the hand
In brotherhood
And raise the roof
With praise
And when these days of school
Are past
Though we'll be near or far
We'll stand again for College
Who made us what we are
- Get that trunk out of the wayl
- Hey! Hey!
Machin, you bloody shag!
Where's my hockey stick?
Oil Where's my hockey stick?
Run in the corridor! Run!
Biles, you freak, where are you?
Excuse me.
I can't see my name. I'm new.
You don't speak to us.
You're a scum, aren't you?
- I don't know.
- Of course he's a scum.
You're blocking my view, scum.
Scuml
Biles, Markland.
Biles, take these to my study.
And this.
And watch those eggs.
Markland, warm a lavatory seat for me.
I'll be ready in three minutes.
- And who are you?
- Please, sir, I'm Jute.
Are you indeed?
Brunning!
This is Jute.
You'reJute's bumf tutor.
Take him to the sweat room.
And, Jute.
You don't call me "sir. "
Run! Run in the corridor!
No! Mercy! Plead mercy!
Jutel
Here. Jute.
This is your place.
Books and magazines here.
Food in the locker.
Pinups over here, okay?
Silence in the sweat room!
I would like to remind the sweat room
that no tinned or potted foods are allowed...
except tinned fruit
and baked beans without meat.
Shut up!
Duty scumming list now up.
Junior table and exercise list
up in five minutes.
Get on with it.
- Come on up, Bobby.
- We want to stroke you.
You twol
Get upstairs and behave yourselves.
And you, Philips, stop tarting.
I'm not tarting.
You need a haircut.
Right! Get a move on. You've got 30 minutes to
get out and get your trunks up into the loft.
God. It's Guy Fawkes back again.
- Hello, Michael.
- Hello, Mick.
You've got 29 minutes left.
Oh, can it, bog face.
Lay off it, Stephans.
You're monotonous already.
Being lippy, Knightly?
Tidy this disgusting mess.
What the hell's that?
Hey! Peanuts has come back
with a bloody ray gun.
It's a bloody ray gun.
God, Stephans, you're so ignorant.
Anyone can see it's a shag spot burner.
Clear your face up
in a couple of seconds.
Actually, it's a six-inch
standard reflecting telescope.
Well, get it out of here.
Knightly, stop preening yourself
in that mirror.
Preen, preen, preen and pride.
Travis, you're in the house.
Take that crap off!
Go onl Catch him.
- Travis!
- Sorry, Denson.
God, you're ugly. You look evil.
Yeah. My face is a never-fading
source of wonder to me.
What did you grow it for?
To hide my sins.
Scuml
What do you think ofhim?
Fantastic.
Put him right in the middle.
Fantastic.
Do you know what I did this summer?
Built a hut in the woods.
Lived there for three weeks by myself,
till I ran out of food.
It was an experiment in asceticism.
Penetrating the inner core of my being.
You do anything good?
I...
met this fantastic bird in the East End,
went round all the pubs.
You ever been to those pubs?
You should see those old loves dancing...
showing their knickers.
Take 'em off near the end.
She had a weird religion -
only kiss on Thursdays.
Took me home to meet her mum and dad.
Well, that finished it.
Practically married us off, they did,
over the Sunday joint.
When do we live?
That's what I want to know.
- Wally!
- Hey, Wallace! Wally-Bum, come with us.
Come on. We're gonna have
our tiny parts inspected.
Here, he's not wearing
a vest already, is he?
Pass the message down to Biles:
Biles, why are you a freak?
Biles, why are you a freak?
Biles, why are you a freak?
Shag off, you creeps!
Shhl
Now listen. You've got to know all
the seniors' names. Ask me who someone is.
Brunning, damn you! Stop talking!
This term I've just
one thing to say to you.
One rule.
Follow it, and you won't go wrong.
And it is this:
Work...
play...
but don't mix the two.
Perhaps some of you new boys
are a little bewildered...
by the rapid succession of events
which has overtaken you since your arrival.
But you'll soon find your way about.
Just remember that life here
is a matter of give and take.
We are your new family...
and you must expect the rough-and-tumble
that goes with any family life.
We're all here to help each other.
You will find here in College House...
a discipline not only to help others,
but also to help yourselves.
Help the house,
and you will be helped by the house.
Now I'd like to extend a warm welcome
to our new undermaster, Mr. Thomas.
I'm sure you'll all
help him to find his feet.
Last summer...
this house got itself a reputation
for being disgustingly slack.
This term,
things are going to be different.
If there's any repetition
of that deplorable lack of spirit...
I shall come crashing down
on offenders.
We don't intend to carry passengers.
I'd like to remind the house
that it's winter term...
and that lockup is at 5:00 p. m.
Anyone leaving the house after that time
must have a leave signed by a whip.
The town, of course,
is out of bounds.
Line up in the usual way
for medical inspection!
- Line up here!
- Alphabetical order!
- Stop talking!
- Be quiet!
- Health certificate? Ringworm?
- No.
- Ringworm?
- Eye disease? V. D?
- Eye disease?
- Confirmation class?
- Confirmation class? Next.
- Next.
- Next.
- Confirmation class? Ringworm?
- No.
- Eye disease? V. D?
- Confirmation class?
- No.
- Confirmation class?
- Wake up, you!
- Next.
- Certificate.
- Ringworm? Eye disease.
- No.
- V. D? Confirmation class?
- Eye disease?
V. D? Confirmation class?
- Ringworm?
- Right. Nextl
Sit down, sit down forJesus
The buggers at the back can't see
- Quiet in the dormitory!
- Sit down, sit down forJesus
Quiet!
Look at Fatso's blubber!
It's disgusting. It's a disease.
Christ! I'm infected.
I've got "elephantitis"!
Come on. Get out of it.
Get out. Get -
Come on. Move it.
Come on, Keating. Get out!
Fatso hasn't got elephantiasis.
He's just a fatJew.
Watch it, spotty.
You're not a whip yet.
Look, any more lip from you two,
you'll be down for a cold shower.
Dormitory inspection
in three minutes!
Central heating doesn't come this far,
I'm afraid...
but the room itself is quite warm.
It's a little bare,
but Mr. Britton made it very snug.
The marvelous thing is,
you're completely quiet up here.
You can see the chapel spire
when the leaves fall.
Have you a shilling?
Yes.
Do come down and see us
if you're at all lonely.
Thank you so much, Mrs. Kemp.
Junior dormitory inspection nowl
- What's this?
- My diary.
Well, keep it downstairs
in the sweat room.
All right. Good standard, Machin.
Keep it up. Good night.
Good night.
Come on, Travis. Stop showing off.
Senior dormitory inspection nowl
- Good evening.
- Evening.
Your hair's still long.
Get it cut.
Otherwise, very good, Stephans.
Lights out in 30 seconds.
- Good night.
- No talking.
Silence!
Jolly, jolly good, Stephans.
Jolly, jolly good, Stephans.
Jolly, jolly good.
Oh, jolly, jolly good, Stephans.
Jolly, jolly good.
You three had better watch it.
Don't push us, Stephans.
The day's coming.
What day?
One night we're gonna massacre you,
Stephans. I'll do you for free.
Townside windows
and skylights open tonightl
Lights outl
Stephans.
Whatever you're doing now, don't.
Quiet.
Hey, Peanuts. Peanuts.
- Is it true you've become a Buddhist?
- What?
Christl Don't you know
Buddhists believe in being immoral?
They worship sex.
You mean Hindus. Hindus worship sex.
Shut up. Go to sleep.
Paradise is for the blessed,
not for the sex-obsessed.
He who would
True valor see
Let him come hither
Out here will constant be
Come wind, come weather
There's no discouragement
Shall make him once relent
His first avowed intent
To be a pilgrim
Since, Lord
Thou dost defend us
With thy spirit
We know we at the end
Shall life inherit
Then fancies flee away
I'll fear not what men say
I'll labor night and day
To be a pilgrim
Let us pray.
I'll do what I can. I can't promise anything.
I'll see if there's a space for you.
Ah, Rowntree!
That'll be all. Thank you, Finchley.
I want to see all whips in my study after break.
- Right, sir.
- Oh, how was India? Enjoy it?
- Jolly good.
- Bridges.
Bridges, I shall be taking the modern sixth
for business management this term.
- I hope you don't mind.
- Yes. Yes, of course, Headmaster.
- Headmaster-
- Just a moment, Kemp.
I've made it late school Thursdays, okay?
Yes, Kemp. Sorry.
Headmaster, may the Dramatic Society
use your study for their Monday readings?
Oh, well, I'll have to come back to you
on that one, Kemp.
Padre, that was a super voluntary
you gave us this morning.
- What was it, 18th century?
- Buxtehude, Headmaster.
Really? Well, it was lovely.
Ahl
Here, you've heard what's happened
to the orchestra this term.
No girls from Springfield.
Complete ban.
Not fair. Why?
Oh, their breasts were getting too big.
Temptations of the devil.
How will we survive?
Excuse me. Do you mind
not picking your shag spots in here?
I think it best
if we ignore each other this term.
How the hell can we,
with you spewing pus all over the room?
You drips.
Shut up, Travis.
Then fancies flee away
I'll fear not what men say
I'll labor night and day
To be a pilgrim
Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum
Dum, dum
Dum-dum-dum-dum
Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum
Dum, dum
Dum-dum-dum-dum
Your holiday essays.
Graves - charming.
Keating - good.
Making an effort at last.
Denson - bad.
Cox, Stephans - Distribute.
I'm afraid, Michael Travis, I lost your essay
somewhere in the Mont Blanc Tunnel...
but I'm sure it was good.
Right.
Europe in the 19th century
and the growth of nationalism.
In studying the 19th century,
one thing will be clear:
That the growth of technology-
telegraph, cheap newspapers,
railways, transport -
is matched by a failure
of imagination, Denson...
a fatal inability to understand
the meaning and consequences...
of all these levers,
wires and railways.
Climaxing in 1914 when the German
kaiser is told by his generals...
that he cannot stop
the war he has started...
because it would spoil
the railway timetables...
upon which victory depended.
Or perhaps you fashionably
and happily believe...
that it's all a simple matter
of evil dictators...
rather than whole populations
of evil people like...
ourselves?
Do you disagree?
Don't you find this view of history facile?
No?
Do you have a view?
Well, if you insist on staring at me
like a load of Christmas puddings...
you can at least write.
Perhaps you'll allow me to teach you,
Travis, to make drudgery divine.
It has been said of George the Third...
that he was a mollusk
who never found his rock.
Said by whom, uh, Travis?
Plumb. J.H. Plumb?
Possibly.
What were the failures of the British
constitution and the political parties...
that prevented the mollusk king
from finding his rock?
A 20- minute essay, uh, without notes.
What's a mollusk, for God's sake?
Two triangles are congruent
when one fits exactly over the other.
The sides of the one
equal the sides of the other.
The angles of the one
equal the angles of the other.
- Understand, Brunning?
- Yes, sir.
Good!
Sine "A" equals B-C over A-B...
equals the perpendicular
over the hypotenuse.
- Right, Jute?
- Yes, sir.
College is a symbol of many things -
scholarship, integrity in public office...
high standards in the television
and entertainment worlds...
huge sacrifice in Britain's wars.
Eyes left!
Of course, some of our customs are silly.
You could say we were middle class.
But a large part of the population is
in the process of becoming middle class...
and many of the middle class's moral values
are values that the country cannot do without.
We must not expect to be thanked.
Education in Britain
is a nubile Cinderella...
sparsely clad
and much interfered with.
Britain today is a powerhouse...
of ideas, experiment, imagination -
on everything from pop music
to pig breeding...
from atom power stations
to miniskirts.
And that's the challenge
we've got to meet.
There are boys in college...
in whom the muscles
of creativeness are flexing...
the pinions of imagination twitching.
That's what makes my job worth doing.
That's what makes college
an exciting place.
- John Thomas.
- Tom Thomas.
- The headmaster?
- Flossie.
- The chaplain?
- Um, Chippy Wood.
- No, it isn't, "Um, Chippy Wood. "
- It's Chippy Wood.
When Rowntree tests you,
you've got to be word-perfect.
Any "um-ing"and "er-ing,"and you're
done for. Now, the town, and no mistakes.
- Town girls.
- Town tarts.
- Grammar school?
- Smudges.
- All others?
- Bloody oiks.
Oiksl Listen.
You do realize it's not just a matter of
knowing the answers. It's how you say it.
- One word wrong, and you fail the whole test.
- And we get beaten.
And you have to take the test
all over again.
Right. Raising boaters?
Boaters must be raised to masters,
wives and friends of College.
No! Masters, their wives
and the friends of College.
Masters, their wives
and the friends of College.
I'm sorry, Brunning.
Say it! Say it!
- Come on! To the loo!
- Ready? Up.
- You love this. You love it.
- Little shit!
- All right. Get his trousers.
- Get his trousers!
I'm eating him. I'm eating him.
Hold him!
- Oh, dirty! You've been dirty!
- Dirty habits.
- All right! Let's wash him!
- Wash him!
Come on. Upsy-daisy.
Up we go.
- No!
- Oh, turn it up!
- We got it, Biles.
- We're gonna clean him.
How do you like that, Biles?
- Come on.
- There we are.
- You love it.
- You like it.
You're loving this, aren't you?
Love it, Bilesl You love itl
- Shut up!
- You like it, don't you? Enjoying it.
- Like that?
- No! No!
Come on. Let's go!
Whoo!
For God's sake, Biles.
Excuse me, please.
You're standing on my clothes.
Stand up.
Fortissimo. All together.
Onel Twol Threel
Stand up, stand up for College
Each manly voice upraise
- Clasp each the hand in brotherhood
- I keep having them, sir- these thoughts.
- And raise the roof with praise
- What kind of thoughts?
- And when these days of school are past
- Dirty thoughts.
- We all have temptations to withstand.
- Though we'll be near or far
It's too strong for me, sir.
We'll stand again for College
Fight the good fight, Stephans.
- Who made us
- Yes, sir.
What we are
On, on, on, on, on, on, onl
Feet, feet, feetl
Balll Ball, Jutel
On, on, on, on, on, onl
Feet, feetl
Get it out, lad! Better.
Forward pass!
Forward pass!
Go low! Go low!
Go low! Go low!
Go low - Oh!
Travis, Cox, Graves.
Jackson, Pearce and Keating.
I've told all the boys
it's going to be a white Christmas...
and I'm always right.
It's my seaweed.
Fisher.
Page.
A bit closer.
Thank you, Philips.
- What are these?
- Muffins.
I thought I specifically
ordered crumpets.
I couldn't get any.
I thought these would do.
- It's not up to you to think.
- Sorry, Rowntree.
Oh, go away.
Lazy sod.
- He gets a little lovelier each day.
- Lazy little bugger.
I'll swap you.
Ah, muffins. I like muffins.
You and your wholesome Bobby Philips -
you're driving us all mad with jealousy.
Do you know what Partridge
in Haig House said to me?
He said, " Why don't you send Bobby Philips
on a scum call to us one night...
and we'll send you our Taylor?"
- Which one's Taylor?
- You know, that little blond.
- Oh, don't be disgusting.
- What's the matter, Denson? Aren't you keen?
Denson's not like the rest of us.
He's got standards.
Purity, Denson.
It's just a matter of setting an example.
If we can't set an example, who can?
That's why we're given our privileges.
Admirable sentiments.
Anyway, this homosexual flirtatiousness
is so adolescent.
Let's just see.
- Philips!
- Oh, for God's sake, Rowntree.
Come on, Machin. We're waiting.
Right. Biles's is ready. Here.
Both sides done.
Okay. Okay, freak?
Mmm. Lovely.
Hey, watch mine.
Big one in the middle.
Hey.
Philips. Philips, you're wanted.
Rowntree.
Yeah. Go, Philips.
Mmm. Here.
Here. I'll have some more then.
Come in.
Well?
You'll be scumming for Denson
from now on.
All right with you, Richard?
Very well. You may go.
Say "thank you. "
Aries. That's Mick.
"No matter how strong the urge...
"resist any temptation
to go into battle this month.
"Otherwise, you run the risk
of not only being on the wrong side...
but possibly in the wrong war. "
So now you know.
The whole world will end very soon -
black, brittle bodies peeling into ash.
I'm going bald.
Must be something
they put in the soup.
I'll look senile
before I even leave this dump.
"My husband
seems to feel it's all right...
"to make love anywhere in the house.
"I cannot agree.
Surely the bedroom is the right and only
place for this very private happening. "
Have I got bad breath?
There's no such thing as a wrong war.
Violence and revolution...
are the only pure acts.
Do you know, in Calcutta...
somebody dies of starvation
every eight minutes?
Eight minutes is a long time.
Every morning I wake up dreaming
I've got bad breath.
My whole body's rotting.
War is the last possible creative act.
Isn't she beautiful?
Hello, sweetheart.
There's only one thing you can do
with a girl like this.
Walk naked into the sea together
as the sun sets...
make love once...
then die.
Fantastic.
What makes me nervous about girls
is you never know what they're thinking.
I don't think they do think.
Hey! Quick!
You've been drinking alcohol.
No, we haven't.
- Where's the bottle?
- What bottle?
Breathe.
Stand up when a whip's in your study.
Get your hands out of your pockets.
Your hair's too long, all of you.
You'll have a two-minute cold shower
tomorrow morning.
What in hell are those?
They're my teeth.
They're my good luck.
There's still blood on them.
They're a breeding ground for bacteria.
I'm confiscating them.
You're a degenerate, Travis.
Rightl Knightly, out.
Wallace, get under.
Right.
Wallace, out. Travis, get in.
Go on. In the middle.
Back a bit.
Forward a bit.
My time's up, you bastard.
Stay there till I get back.
Glory be to the Father
And to the Son
And to the Holy Ghost
As it was in the beginning
Is now and ever shall be
World without end
Amen
The book of Deuteronomy...
chapter four, the first verse.
"Now, therefore...
"hearken, O Israel...
"unto the statutes
and unto the judgments which I teach you...
"that ye may live and go in
and possess the land...
"which the Lord God of your fathers
giveth unto you.
"Ye shall not add unto the word
which I command you...
"neither shall ye diminish
aught from it...
"that ye keep the commandments
of the Lord, your God...
"which I command you.
"Behold, I have taught you
statutes and judgments...
"even as the Lord, my God,
commanded me.
"Keep, therefore, and do them...
"for this is your wisdom and your
understanding in the sight of the nations...
"which shall hear all these statutes
and say...
'Surely this nation is a wise
and understanding people. "'
Here endeth the lesson.
Right! Through vault. Biles!
Feet together!
Right. Good, good!
It's a through vault, Machin.
Right!
Come on, keep your head up!
Head up!
Come on. More effort.
More effort, Philips. Come on.
Need more push up. Good.
Jute, come on!
Come on, Jute.
Jutel Come onl
All right. Right! All of you on your toes!
Get your sweaters.
Get your sweaters.
Back to the housel
Hupl Hupl Out you gol
Hup, hup, hup, hupl Come on, Philips.
Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl
Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl
Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl
Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl
War!
War. Even to the knife!
England, awakel
Give me another horse!
We are not commons to you at alll
- Some love England and have only yet-
- Doomsday is near! Die, all, die!
Death to tyrants!
What stands, if freedom falls?
Who dies, if England lives? Aha!
Blood.
Real blood!
Water, Mrs. Kemp?
Lovely day, Mrs. Kemp.
Salt, Mrs. Kemp?
Spring greens, Mrs. Kemp?
Dead man's leg today, Mrs. Kemp.
Do you need this, Mrs. Kemp?
No, thank you.
Quietl
Cheering at College matches
has degenerated completely.
This will cease.
The house will attend the match
this afternoon and cheer...
loudly.
Fight! Fight, fight!
Fight, College! Fight! Fight!
Stopl Bring it back nowl
Stop!
Yes?
Two coffees, please.
Black or white?
White.
Black.
Sugar.
Go on. Look at me.
I'll kill you.
Look at my eyes.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror...
and my eyes get bigger and bigger.
And I'm like a tiger.
I like tigers.
I likeJohnny.
Scissors.
Stone.
Paper.
Scissors.
Stone.
Paper.
- Anything wrong?
- No. It's all right, sir. Just duty rounds.
- You won't be long, will you, sir?
- Sorry, Denson. I didn't know it was so late.
Good night, sir.
Good night, Denson.
You know, if I pass all the tests,
I'm definitely going to California.
I'm going to be a criminal lawyer.
Of course, it all takes about 20 years.
- We'll all be dead by then.
- Well, I believe in having a goal.
That way you succeed.
Actually, that's your trouble.
You have no ambition.
Oh, I know.
Is your mum coming for Founder's Day?
Yes. She's bringing her new husband.
My new dad.
- What's he like?
- Actually, I don't think they're married.
I don't care.
I don't mind at all
about that sort of thing.
I shouldn't mind, should I?
No.
Oh, hell. I don't know.
Quick! Out the back.
That way.
Can you explain yourself?
- What are you up to?
- Nothing.
Who was with you?
No one.
- What did it feel like?
- Like drowning.
What's the most horrible way to die?
Getting a moth caught in your eardrum.
You can hear it as it eats into your brain.
Being flayed alive.
That's what the Crusaders did
to their enemies.
Used to send the neatly folded skins
back to their victims' wives.
Cancer's worse.
My mother took six months.
The night's dead.
You can hardly breathe outside.
The thing I'd really hate...
is to have a nail bang through
the back of my neck.
Slowly.
I don't see what difference
the speed makes.
The speed of the nail.
The -The -The nail's speed!
The nail's speed.
The s-speed.
Thank you, my dear.
Of course,
there's - there's always a lunatic fringe.
There's a certain hard core
in the studies.
- Oh, dear.
- Yes.
I will have to deal firmly with it
in certain instances.
It may be necessary
to make a few examples.
The headmaster doesn't like
too much thrashing.
He wouldn't like College
to get a reputation for decadence.
- Hear! Hear!
- Of course. Of course.
And the juniors. How are the juniors?
On the whole, dull.
- Oh, dear.
- Of course, it's just a matter of proportion.
Unruly elements threaten
the stability of the house.
It's best to nip them in the bud.
Yes.
Well, you -you must do
what you think best.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.
Love so amazing
So divine
Demands my heart
My life
My all
The grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ...
the love of God
and the fellowship of the Holy Ghost...
be with us all evermore.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Senior table.
Quiet.
As soon as you've finished...
juniors to the sweat room
and seniors to their studies.
And wait in silence.
Carry on.
Fisher. That's your second bun!
I saw you. Put it back!
Travisl
Wallacel
Knightlyl
Come in.
Good evening.
I imagine you know why you're here.
No.
For being a nuisance.
A general nuisance in the house.
What do you mean, being a nuisance?
What have we done?
Done?
It's your general attitude.
You know exactly what I mean.
Attitude?
And we've decided to beat you for it.
Stand up properly when
the head of house addresses you.
There's something
indecent about you, Travis.
The way you slouch about.
You think we don't notice you
with your hands in your pockets.
The way you just sit there
looking at everyone.
You three have become a danger
to the morale of the whole house.
You can take that
cheap little grin off your mouthl
I serve the nation.
You haven't the slightest idea
what it means, have you?
To you it's just one bloody joke.
You mean that bit of wool on your tit?
- Christ.
- You're in the sixth form now.
You should be prepared
to set an example of responsibility.
- You're a nuisance.
- You're pathetic.
And as such, you must be punished.
Well, have you anything to say?
Any of you?
Yes. I have.
The thing I hate about you, Rowntree...
is the way you give Coca-Cola
to your scum...
and your best teddy bear to Oxfam...
and expect us to lick
your frigid fingers...
for the rest of your frigid life.
Go down to the gym.
Wait outside.
Wallace.
Get up.
Thank you, Rowntree.
- Only four.
- Knightly.
Done.
Christ, that was a bit low.
Hey, Mick.
Blood?
Yeah. Blood.
Get up.
Thank you, Rowntree.
Travis.
Get your coat off.
Go to the bars.
Bend over.
Wait till you're told!
Get down.
Get up.
- Thank you, Rowntree.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Fortinbras.
Translate, please.
"'And do you not remember, 'I said...
"'that we also said that we must...
"'conduct the children
to war on horseback...
"'to- to be spectators...
"'and wherever it may be safe...
"'bring them to the front
and give them a taste of blood...
as we do with, uh - "'
Uh, "as we do with horses. "
A creditable guess, but no.
Anyone else?
Ayoung she-goat?
Look it up, Rowntree.
"Ayoung dog. A whelp. Puppy. "
For the first time in 13 years...
College House has won
the Bigley Memorial Marathon Chalice.
This house has seen great days.
It's going to see them again.
We're back on the right track at last.
But I don't want you to think
you can relax.
It's up to everyone to pull together.
I want to see each one of you
going all out.
I know you've got it in you.
So let's see College House back on top.
All right.
Right. House thump!
College House!
College House!
College House!
College House!
We're on our own now.
What are we going to do?
Trust me?
Of course.
When are we going to do it?
When I say.
Death to the oppressor.
The resistance.
Liberty.
One man can change the world
with a bullet in the right place.
Real bullets.
Fairest isle
All isles excelling
Seat of pleasure
And of love
Venus here
Shall choose her dwelling
And forsake
Her Cyprian groves
Space, you see, Michael,
is all expanding...
at the speed of light.
It's a mathematical certainty...
that somewhere,
among all those million of stars...
there's another planet
where they speak English.
Have a look.
"The Son of God goes forth to war...
a kingly crown to gain. "
We are all corrupt.
We are all sinful.
We are all meat to be punished.
If a soldier doesn't do his duty,
he expects to be punished.
There are failures great and small...
and there are punishments
great and small.
But there is one failure, one crime...
one betrayal...
that can never be forgiven.
And that betrayal is called desertion.
The deserter in the face of the enemy
must expect to be shot.
Jesus Christ is our commanding officer.
And if we desert him,
we can expect no mercy.
And... we are all deserters.
All right. Corporal, over here.
That's our objective,
where that tree is. Right.
Listen, "D" Section. Come on. Listen.
Hedge junction, 4:00,
bushy top tree.
We will attack and destroy that tree.
Right. Bren gun left.
Go on! Move!
Single filel
Single filel
Come on, Peter. Keep it up.
Well done, that man on the Brenl
Rabbit crawl all the way back to basel
Rabbit crawl, manl
Stop. What are you doing?
It's awful.
You forgot to yell.
The yell of hate.
It's the yell that counts.
Everybody back. At the double.
Ready? Charge!
Chargel
Stop there.
Get down! Get down! Get down!
You're all dead. I've won.
Sergeant's coming round. Re-form your men.
"A"Company, get into line.
Come onl Movel
- All right, Denson.
Bring your men over here. Hurry up.
- Don't dawdle. Now march properly.
- Left, right, left.
- Left. Left.
- That's right. Pick up a set.
At the double.
Get a move on. Don't hang around.
- Hurry up.
- Who left his rifle here?
All right. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.
"D" Section over here.
This is an order.
Put your rifles down
and get over to the tea queue.
Go on, you. Go on. Move.
- All right, boy?
- You keep going.
That's the lad.
Take coverl
Take coverl
Who's there?
Who's there?
Show yourself, whoever you are!
Come out of there!
Empty those rifles at once.
Hand over those rifles instantly!
Come on. Hand them over.
For the love of God, don't shoot!
No. No. No.
I take this seriously.
Very seriously indeed.
Reverend Woods
might have been quite badly hurt.
Do you realize that?
Now I want you to apologize to him.
Is that clear?
Now, you mustn't think
that I don't understand.
It's a natural characteristic of adolescence
to want to proclaim individuality.
There's nothing unhealthy about that.
It's a quite blameless form
of existentialism.
This, for instance, is what lies
at the heart of the great hair problem.
I think you boys know that I keep
an open mind on most things.
And of one thing I am certain:
Short hair is no indication of merit.
So often I've noticed that...
it's the hair rebels who step into the breach
when there's a crisis...
whether it be a fire in the house...
or to sacrifice a week's holiday...
in order to give a party of slum children
seven days in the country.
But, of course, there are limits.
Scruffiness of any kind is deplorable.
I think you'd go that far with me.
Now, the fees here are at present...
Which works out
at about 15 guineas a week.
This is no mean sum.
It is the salary, for instance, of the average
trainee supermarket manager.
But on the other hand,
it's no more than the cost...
of keeping
a juvenile delinquent in Borstal.
However, this is merely to look at the matter
in terms of hard cash...
which is not the only consideration.
There is above all the question of service.
Those who are given most
also have most to give.
Now you boys are intelligent.
You're too intelligent to be rebels.
That's too easy.
And it would be easy to punish you
in the normal way.
But I'm going to give you a privilege.
Work. Real work.
And I want you to think of this
not as a punishment...
but as an opportunity to give...
to serve.
Guard ofhonor, 'shunl
Guard, shoulder... armsl
Guard, present... armsl
Guard, shoulder... arms!
Guard, order armsl
- How do you do, sir? Nice to have you at College.
- Yes. So nice.
- You know the bishop.
- Bishop!
- General. How very nice to see you.
- Nice to see you after all this time.
- It's a long time.
- Twenty-seven years?
- Twenty-seven years it's been?
- I've got to leave now.
Yes. Right.
Each manly voice upraise
Clasp each the hand in brotherhood
And raise the roof with praise
And when these days of school are past
Though we'll be near or far
We'll cherish still her memory
Gainst fire and flood and foe
We'll serve her still
through good and ill
As through the world we'll go
And when these days of school are past
Though we'll be near or far
We'll stand again for College
Who made us what we are
Your Royal Highness...
my lord bishop...
General Denson...
my lords, ladies and gentlemen...
today is a day for the future...
and also a day for the past.
Any institution which has
half a thousand years -
one-quarter of the Christian era
stretching behind it-
is bound to have a sense of the past.
But in point of fact,
there can be few places...
where tradition is examined
with such a critical eye as this college.
A constant self-appraisal is going on.
And indeed,
changes are happening so fast...
that even as I speak,
these words are out of date.
But first I want to introduce
General Denson...
who, of course,
needs no introduction...
either as a national hero
or as an old boy.
General Denson.
Thank you, Headmaster.
Your Royal Highness,
my lord bishop...
my lords, ladies and gentlemen.
Men of College, now,
you chaps are probably thinking...
there's nothing much
an old soldier like me can teach you.
Well, you may be right.
All the same, I'm going to
have a shot at it.
First thing, you're lucky.
Yes. A lot of men would give their eyeteeth
to be sitting where you're sitting now.
You are privileged.
Now, for heaven's sake, don't get me wrong.
There is nothing the matter
with privilege-
as long as we're ready to pay for it.
It's a very sad thing,
but today it is fashionable...
to belittle tradition.
The old orders that made
our nation a-a living force...
are for the most part scorned...
by modern psychiatrists, priests,
pundits of all sorts.
But what have they got
to put in their place, hmm?
Oh, politicians talk a lot about freedom.
Well, freedom is the heritage of
every Englishman...
who speaks with the tongue
that Shakespeare spoke.
But, you know, we won't stay free
unless we're ready to fight.
And you won't be any good as fighters...
unless you know something
about discipline-
the habit of obedience-
how to give orders...
and how to take them.
Never mind the sneers of the cynics.
Let us just be true to honor,
duty, national pride.
We still need loyalty.
We still need tradition.
If we look around us at the world today,
what do we see?
We see bloodshed, confusion, decay.
I know the world has changed
a great deal in the past 50 years -
But England-
our England doesn't change so easily.
And back here in College today I feel -
and it makes me jolly proud -
that there is still a tradition here
which has not changed...
and by God, it isn't going to changel
It's up to all of you chaps
to give the world a lead.
It is Britain's tradition
that you have learnt here.
Self-reliance, service, self-sacrifice.
A tradition of College.
And it's up to all of us to reassure
the world by our unquestioning obedience...
that we still hope -
My God, we're on fire!
Now don't panic. Don't panic.
Women first.
Break open the windows.
Don't shout.
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Women and children-
Oh, my God.
Come on. Stand up. Stand up.
Stand up for College.
Each manly voice upraise.
- Mum, where are you?
- Outl God, let us outl
Come on. Come on.
Ammunition, quick!
Break open the armory.
Every man a rifle.
Now keep low! Keep low!
Rabbit crawl!
Infiltrate their flank. Get a Bren gun
on their flank. Come on. Jump to it.
Bastards! Bastards!
Bastards!
Stop! Stop!
Stop firing!
Cease fire.
Cease firing.
Boys! Boys!
I understand you!
Listen to reason and trust me!
Trust me!
For College
Each manly voice upraise
Clasp each the hand
In brotherhood
And raise the roof
With praise
And when these days of school
Are past
Though we'll be near or far
We'll stand again for College
Who made us what we are
- Get that trunk out of the wayl
- Hey! Hey!
Machin, you bloody shag!
Where's my hockey stick?
Oil Where's my hockey stick?
Run in the corridor! Run!
Biles, you freak, where are you?
Excuse me.
I can't see my name. I'm new.
You don't speak to us.
You're a scum, aren't you?
- I don't know.
- Of course he's a scum.
You're blocking my view, scum.
Scuml
Biles, Markland.
Biles, take these to my study.
And this.
And watch those eggs.
Markland, warm a lavatory seat for me.
I'll be ready in three minutes.
- And who are you?
- Please, sir, I'm Jute.
Are you indeed?
Brunning!
This is Jute.
You'reJute's bumf tutor.
Take him to the sweat room.
And, Jute.
You don't call me "sir. "
Run! Run in the corridor!
No! Mercy! Plead mercy!
Jutel
Here. Jute.
This is your place.
Books and magazines here.
Food in the locker.
Pinups over here, okay?
Silence in the sweat room!
I would like to remind the sweat room
that no tinned or potted foods are allowed...
except tinned fruit
and baked beans without meat.
Shut up!
Duty scumming list now up.
Junior table and exercise list
up in five minutes.
Get on with it.
- Come on up, Bobby.
- We want to stroke you.
You twol
Get upstairs and behave yourselves.
And you, Philips, stop tarting.
I'm not tarting.
You need a haircut.
Right! Get a move on. You've got 30 minutes to
get out and get your trunks up into the loft.
God. It's Guy Fawkes back again.
- Hello, Michael.
- Hello, Mick.
You've got 29 minutes left.
Oh, can it, bog face.
Lay off it, Stephans.
You're monotonous already.
Being lippy, Knightly?
Tidy this disgusting mess.
What the hell's that?
Hey! Peanuts has come back
with a bloody ray gun.
It's a bloody ray gun.
God, Stephans, you're so ignorant.
Anyone can see it's a shag spot burner.
Clear your face up
in a couple of seconds.
Actually, it's a six-inch
standard reflecting telescope.
Well, get it out of here.
Knightly, stop preening yourself
in that mirror.
Preen, preen, preen and pride.
Travis, you're in the house.
Take that crap off!
Go onl Catch him.
- Travis!
- Sorry, Denson.
God, you're ugly. You look evil.
Yeah. My face is a never-fading
source of wonder to me.
What did you grow it for?
To hide my sins.
Scuml
What do you think ofhim?
Fantastic.
Put him right in the middle.
Fantastic.
Do you know what I did this summer?
Built a hut in the woods.
Lived there for three weeks by myself,
till I ran out of food.
It was an experiment in asceticism.
Penetrating the inner core of my being.
You do anything good?
I...
met this fantastic bird in the East End,
went round all the pubs.
You ever been to those pubs?
You should see those old loves dancing...
showing their knickers.
Take 'em off near the end.
She had a weird religion -
only kiss on Thursdays.
Took me home to meet her mum and dad.
Well, that finished it.
Practically married us off, they did,
over the Sunday joint.
When do we live?
That's what I want to know.
- Wally!
- Hey, Wallace! Wally-Bum, come with us.
Come on. We're gonna have
our tiny parts inspected.
Here, he's not wearing
a vest already, is he?
Pass the message down to Biles:
Biles, why are you a freak?
Biles, why are you a freak?
Biles, why are you a freak?
Shag off, you creeps!
Shhl
Now listen. You've got to know all
the seniors' names. Ask me who someone is.
Brunning, damn you! Stop talking!
This term I've just
one thing to say to you.
One rule.
Follow it, and you won't go wrong.
And it is this:
Work...
play...
but don't mix the two.
Perhaps some of you new boys
are a little bewildered...
by the rapid succession of events
which has overtaken you since your arrival.
But you'll soon find your way about.
Just remember that life here
is a matter of give and take.
We are your new family...
and you must expect the rough-and-tumble
that goes with any family life.
We're all here to help each other.
You will find here in College House...
a discipline not only to help others,
but also to help yourselves.
Help the house,
and you will be helped by the house.
Now I'd like to extend a warm welcome
to our new undermaster, Mr. Thomas.
I'm sure you'll all
help him to find his feet.
Last summer...
this house got itself a reputation
for being disgustingly slack.
This term,
things are going to be different.
If there's any repetition
of that deplorable lack of spirit...
I shall come crashing down
on offenders.
We don't intend to carry passengers.
I'd like to remind the house
that it's winter term...
and that lockup is at 5:00 p. m.
Anyone leaving the house after that time
must have a leave signed by a whip.
The town, of course,
is out of bounds.
Line up in the usual way
for medical inspection!
- Line up here!
- Alphabetical order!
- Stop talking!
- Be quiet!
- Health certificate? Ringworm?
- No.
- Ringworm?
- Eye disease? V. D?
- Eye disease?
- Confirmation class?
- Confirmation class? Next.
- Next.
- Next.
- Confirmation class? Ringworm?
- No.
- Eye disease? V. D?
- Confirmation class?
- No.
- Confirmation class?
- Wake up, you!
- Next.
- Certificate.
- Ringworm? Eye disease.
- No.
- V. D? Confirmation class?
- Eye disease?
V. D? Confirmation class?
- Ringworm?
- Right. Nextl
Sit down, sit down forJesus
The buggers at the back can't see
- Quiet in the dormitory!
- Sit down, sit down forJesus
Quiet!
Look at Fatso's blubber!
It's disgusting. It's a disease.
Christ! I'm infected.
I've got "elephantitis"!
Come on. Get out of it.
Get out. Get -
Come on. Move it.
Come on, Keating. Get out!
Fatso hasn't got elephantiasis.
He's just a fatJew.
Watch it, spotty.
You're not a whip yet.
Look, any more lip from you two,
you'll be down for a cold shower.
Dormitory inspection
in three minutes!
Central heating doesn't come this far,
I'm afraid...
but the room itself is quite warm.
It's a little bare,
but Mr. Britton made it very snug.
The marvelous thing is,
you're completely quiet up here.
You can see the chapel spire
when the leaves fall.
Have you a shilling?
Yes.
Do come down and see us
if you're at all lonely.
Thank you so much, Mrs. Kemp.
Junior dormitory inspection nowl
- What's this?
- My diary.
Well, keep it downstairs
in the sweat room.
All right. Good standard, Machin.
Keep it up. Good night.
Good night.
Come on, Travis. Stop showing off.
Senior dormitory inspection nowl
- Good evening.
- Evening.
Your hair's still long.
Get it cut.
Otherwise, very good, Stephans.
Lights out in 30 seconds.
- Good night.
- No talking.
Silence!
Jolly, jolly good, Stephans.
Jolly, jolly good, Stephans.
Jolly, jolly good.
Oh, jolly, jolly good, Stephans.
Jolly, jolly good.
You three had better watch it.
Don't push us, Stephans.
The day's coming.
What day?
One night we're gonna massacre you,
Stephans. I'll do you for free.
Townside windows
and skylights open tonightl
Lights outl
Stephans.
Whatever you're doing now, don't.
Quiet.
Hey, Peanuts. Peanuts.
- Is it true you've become a Buddhist?
- What?
Christl Don't you know
Buddhists believe in being immoral?
They worship sex.
You mean Hindus. Hindus worship sex.
Shut up. Go to sleep.
Paradise is for the blessed,
not for the sex-obsessed.
He who would
True valor see
Let him come hither
Out here will constant be
Come wind, come weather
There's no discouragement
Shall make him once relent
His first avowed intent
To be a pilgrim
Since, Lord
Thou dost defend us
With thy spirit
We know we at the end
Shall life inherit
Then fancies flee away
I'll fear not what men say
I'll labor night and day
To be a pilgrim
Let us pray.
I'll do what I can. I can't promise anything.
I'll see if there's a space for you.
Ah, Rowntree!
That'll be all. Thank you, Finchley.
I want to see all whips in my study after break.
- Right, sir.
- Oh, how was India? Enjoy it?
- Jolly good.
- Bridges.
Bridges, I shall be taking the modern sixth
for business management this term.
- I hope you don't mind.
- Yes. Yes, of course, Headmaster.
- Headmaster-
- Just a moment, Kemp.
I've made it late school Thursdays, okay?
Yes, Kemp. Sorry.
Headmaster, may the Dramatic Society
use your study for their Monday readings?
Oh, well, I'll have to come back to you
on that one, Kemp.
Padre, that was a super voluntary
you gave us this morning.
- What was it, 18th century?
- Buxtehude, Headmaster.
Really? Well, it was lovely.
Ahl
Here, you've heard what's happened
to the orchestra this term.
No girls from Springfield.
Complete ban.
Not fair. Why?
Oh, their breasts were getting too big.
Temptations of the devil.
How will we survive?
Excuse me. Do you mind
not picking your shag spots in here?
I think it best
if we ignore each other this term.
How the hell can we,
with you spewing pus all over the room?
You drips.
Shut up, Travis.
Then fancies flee away
I'll fear not what men say
I'll labor night and day
To be a pilgrim
Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum
Dum, dum
Dum-dum-dum-dum
Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum
Dum, dum
Dum-dum-dum-dum
Your holiday essays.
Graves - charming.
Keating - good.
Making an effort at last.
Denson - bad.
Cox, Stephans - Distribute.
I'm afraid, Michael Travis, I lost your essay
somewhere in the Mont Blanc Tunnel...
but I'm sure it was good.
Right.
Europe in the 19th century
and the growth of nationalism.
In studying the 19th century,
one thing will be clear:
That the growth of technology-
telegraph, cheap newspapers,
railways, transport -
is matched by a failure
of imagination, Denson...
a fatal inability to understand
the meaning and consequences...
of all these levers,
wires and railways.
Climaxing in 1914 when the German
kaiser is told by his generals...
that he cannot stop
the war he has started...
because it would spoil
the railway timetables...
upon which victory depended.
Or perhaps you fashionably
and happily believe...
that it's all a simple matter
of evil dictators...
rather than whole populations
of evil people like...
ourselves?
Do you disagree?
Don't you find this view of history facile?
No?
Do you have a view?
Well, if you insist on staring at me
like a load of Christmas puddings...
you can at least write.
Perhaps you'll allow me to teach you,
Travis, to make drudgery divine.
It has been said of George the Third...
that he was a mollusk
who never found his rock.
Said by whom, uh, Travis?
Plumb. J.H. Plumb?
Possibly.
What were the failures of the British
constitution and the political parties...
that prevented the mollusk king
from finding his rock?
A 20- minute essay, uh, without notes.
What's a mollusk, for God's sake?
Two triangles are congruent
when one fits exactly over the other.
The sides of the one
equal the sides of the other.
The angles of the one
equal the angles of the other.
- Understand, Brunning?
- Yes, sir.
Good!
Sine "A" equals B-C over A-B...
equals the perpendicular
over the hypotenuse.
- Right, Jute?
- Yes, sir.
College is a symbol of many things -
scholarship, integrity in public office...
high standards in the television
and entertainment worlds...
huge sacrifice in Britain's wars.
Eyes left!
Of course, some of our customs are silly.
You could say we were middle class.
But a large part of the population is
in the process of becoming middle class...
and many of the middle class's moral values
are values that the country cannot do without.
We must not expect to be thanked.
Education in Britain
is a nubile Cinderella...
sparsely clad
and much interfered with.
Britain today is a powerhouse...
of ideas, experiment, imagination -
on everything from pop music
to pig breeding...
from atom power stations
to miniskirts.
And that's the challenge
we've got to meet.
There are boys in college...
in whom the muscles
of creativeness are flexing...
the pinions of imagination twitching.
That's what makes my job worth doing.
That's what makes college
an exciting place.
- John Thomas.
- Tom Thomas.
- The headmaster?
- Flossie.
- The chaplain?
- Um, Chippy Wood.
- No, it isn't, "Um, Chippy Wood. "
- It's Chippy Wood.
When Rowntree tests you,
you've got to be word-perfect.
Any "um-ing"and "er-ing,"and you're
done for. Now, the town, and no mistakes.
- Town girls.
- Town tarts.
- Grammar school?
- Smudges.
- All others?
- Bloody oiks.
Oiksl Listen.
You do realize it's not just a matter of
knowing the answers. It's how you say it.
- One word wrong, and you fail the whole test.
- And we get beaten.
And you have to take the test
all over again.
Right. Raising boaters?
Boaters must be raised to masters,
wives and friends of College.
No! Masters, their wives
and the friends of College.
Masters, their wives
and the friends of College.
I'm sorry, Brunning.
Say it! Say it!
- Come on! To the loo!
- Ready? Up.
- You love this. You love it.
- Little shit!
- All right. Get his trousers.
- Get his trousers!
I'm eating him. I'm eating him.
Hold him!
- Oh, dirty! You've been dirty!
- Dirty habits.
- All right! Let's wash him!
- Wash him!
Come on. Upsy-daisy.
Up we go.
- No!
- Oh, turn it up!
- We got it, Biles.
- We're gonna clean him.
How do you like that, Biles?
- Come on.
- There we are.
- You love it.
- You like it.
You're loving this, aren't you?
Love it, Bilesl You love itl
- Shut up!
- You like it, don't you? Enjoying it.
- Like that?
- No! No!
Come on. Let's go!
Whoo!
For God's sake, Biles.
Excuse me, please.
You're standing on my clothes.
Stand up.
Fortissimo. All together.
Onel Twol Threel
Stand up, stand up for College
Each manly voice upraise
- Clasp each the hand in brotherhood
- I keep having them, sir- these thoughts.
- And raise the roof with praise
- What kind of thoughts?
- And when these days of school are past
- Dirty thoughts.
- We all have temptations to withstand.
- Though we'll be near or far
It's too strong for me, sir.
We'll stand again for College
Fight the good fight, Stephans.
- Who made us
- Yes, sir.
What we are
On, on, on, on, on, on, onl
Feet, feet, feetl
Balll Ball, Jutel
On, on, on, on, on, onl
Feet, feetl
Get it out, lad! Better.
Forward pass!
Forward pass!
Go low! Go low!
Go low! Go low!
Go low - Oh!
Travis, Cox, Graves.
Jackson, Pearce and Keating.
I've told all the boys
it's going to be a white Christmas...
and I'm always right.
It's my seaweed.
Fisher.
Page.
A bit closer.
Thank you, Philips.
- What are these?
- Muffins.
I thought I specifically
ordered crumpets.
I couldn't get any.
I thought these would do.
- It's not up to you to think.
- Sorry, Rowntree.
Oh, go away.
Lazy sod.
- He gets a little lovelier each day.
- Lazy little bugger.
I'll swap you.
Ah, muffins. I like muffins.
You and your wholesome Bobby Philips -
you're driving us all mad with jealousy.
Do you know what Partridge
in Haig House said to me?
He said, " Why don't you send Bobby Philips
on a scum call to us one night...
and we'll send you our Taylor?"
- Which one's Taylor?
- You know, that little blond.
- Oh, don't be disgusting.
- What's the matter, Denson? Aren't you keen?
Denson's not like the rest of us.
He's got standards.
Purity, Denson.
It's just a matter of setting an example.
If we can't set an example, who can?
That's why we're given our privileges.
Admirable sentiments.
Anyway, this homosexual flirtatiousness
is so adolescent.
Let's just see.
- Philips!
- Oh, for God's sake, Rowntree.
Come on, Machin. We're waiting.
Right. Biles's is ready. Here.
Both sides done.
Okay. Okay, freak?
Mmm. Lovely.
Hey, watch mine.
Big one in the middle.
Hey.
Philips. Philips, you're wanted.
Rowntree.
Yeah. Go, Philips.
Mmm. Here.
Here. I'll have some more then.
Come in.
Well?
You'll be scumming for Denson
from now on.
All right with you, Richard?
Very well. You may go.
Say "thank you. "
Aries. That's Mick.
"No matter how strong the urge...
"resist any temptation
to go into battle this month.
"Otherwise, you run the risk
of not only being on the wrong side...
but possibly in the wrong war. "
So now you know.
The whole world will end very soon -
black, brittle bodies peeling into ash.
I'm going bald.
Must be something
they put in the soup.
I'll look senile
before I even leave this dump.
"My husband
seems to feel it's all right...
"to make love anywhere in the house.
"I cannot agree.
Surely the bedroom is the right and only
place for this very private happening. "
Have I got bad breath?
There's no such thing as a wrong war.
Violence and revolution...
are the only pure acts.
Do you know, in Calcutta...
somebody dies of starvation
every eight minutes?
Eight minutes is a long time.
Every morning I wake up dreaming
I've got bad breath.
My whole body's rotting.
War is the last possible creative act.
Isn't she beautiful?
Hello, sweetheart.
There's only one thing you can do
with a girl like this.
Walk naked into the sea together
as the sun sets...
make love once...
then die.
Fantastic.
What makes me nervous about girls
is you never know what they're thinking.
I don't think they do think.
Hey! Quick!
You've been drinking alcohol.
No, we haven't.
- Where's the bottle?
- What bottle?
Breathe.
Stand up when a whip's in your study.
Get your hands out of your pockets.
Your hair's too long, all of you.
You'll have a two-minute cold shower
tomorrow morning.
What in hell are those?
They're my teeth.
They're my good luck.
There's still blood on them.
They're a breeding ground for bacteria.
I'm confiscating them.
You're a degenerate, Travis.
Rightl Knightly, out.
Wallace, get under.
Right.
Wallace, out. Travis, get in.
Go on. In the middle.
Back a bit.
Forward a bit.
My time's up, you bastard.
Stay there till I get back.
Glory be to the Father
And to the Son
And to the Holy Ghost
As it was in the beginning
Is now and ever shall be
World without end
Amen
The book of Deuteronomy...
chapter four, the first verse.
"Now, therefore...
"hearken, O Israel...
"unto the statutes
and unto the judgments which I teach you...
"that ye may live and go in
and possess the land...
"which the Lord God of your fathers
giveth unto you.
"Ye shall not add unto the word
which I command you...
"neither shall ye diminish
aught from it...
"that ye keep the commandments
of the Lord, your God...
"which I command you.
"Behold, I have taught you
statutes and judgments...
"even as the Lord, my God,
commanded me.
"Keep, therefore, and do them...
"for this is your wisdom and your
understanding in the sight of the nations...
"which shall hear all these statutes
and say...
'Surely this nation is a wise
and understanding people. "'
Here endeth the lesson.
Right! Through vault. Biles!
Feet together!
Right. Good, good!
It's a through vault, Machin.
Right!
Come on, keep your head up!
Head up!
Come on. More effort.
More effort, Philips. Come on.
Need more push up. Good.
Jute, come on!
Come on, Jute.
Jutel Come onl
All right. Right! All of you on your toes!
Get your sweaters.
Get your sweaters.
Back to the housel
Hupl Hupl Out you gol
Hup, hup, hup, hupl Come on, Philips.
Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl
Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl
Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl
Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl Hupl
War!
War. Even to the knife!
England, awakel
Give me another horse!
We are not commons to you at alll
- Some love England and have only yet-
- Doomsday is near! Die, all, die!
Death to tyrants!
What stands, if freedom falls?
Who dies, if England lives? Aha!
Blood.
Real blood!
Water, Mrs. Kemp?
Lovely day, Mrs. Kemp.
Salt, Mrs. Kemp?
Spring greens, Mrs. Kemp?
Dead man's leg today, Mrs. Kemp.
Do you need this, Mrs. Kemp?
No, thank you.
Quietl
Cheering at College matches
has degenerated completely.
This will cease.
The house will attend the match
this afternoon and cheer...
loudly.
Fight! Fight, fight!
Fight, College! Fight! Fight!
Stopl Bring it back nowl
Stop!
Yes?
Two coffees, please.
Black or white?
White.
Black.
Sugar.
Go on. Look at me.
I'll kill you.
Look at my eyes.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror...
and my eyes get bigger and bigger.
And I'm like a tiger.
I like tigers.
I likeJohnny.
Scissors.
Stone.
Paper.
Scissors.
Stone.
Paper.
- Anything wrong?
- No. It's all right, sir. Just duty rounds.
- You won't be long, will you, sir?
- Sorry, Denson. I didn't know it was so late.
Good night, sir.
Good night, Denson.
You know, if I pass all the tests,
I'm definitely going to California.
I'm going to be a criminal lawyer.
Of course, it all takes about 20 years.
- We'll all be dead by then.
- Well, I believe in having a goal.
That way you succeed.
Actually, that's your trouble.
You have no ambition.
Oh, I know.
Is your mum coming for Founder's Day?
Yes. She's bringing her new husband.
My new dad.
- What's he like?
- Actually, I don't think they're married.
I don't care.
I don't mind at all
about that sort of thing.
I shouldn't mind, should I?
No.
Oh, hell. I don't know.
Quick! Out the back.
That way.
Can you explain yourself?
- What are you up to?
- Nothing.
Who was with you?
No one.
- What did it feel like?
- Like drowning.
What's the most horrible way to die?
Getting a moth caught in your eardrum.
You can hear it as it eats into your brain.
Being flayed alive.
That's what the Crusaders did
to their enemies.
Used to send the neatly folded skins
back to their victims' wives.
Cancer's worse.
My mother took six months.
The night's dead.
You can hardly breathe outside.
The thing I'd really hate...
is to have a nail bang through
the back of my neck.
Slowly.
I don't see what difference
the speed makes.
The speed of the nail.
The -The -The nail's speed!
The nail's speed.
The s-speed.
Thank you, my dear.
Of course,
there's - there's always a lunatic fringe.
There's a certain hard core
in the studies.
- Oh, dear.
- Yes.
I will have to deal firmly with it
in certain instances.
It may be necessary
to make a few examples.
The headmaster doesn't like
too much thrashing.
He wouldn't like College
to get a reputation for decadence.
- Hear! Hear!
- Of course. Of course.
And the juniors. How are the juniors?
On the whole, dull.
- Oh, dear.
- Of course, it's just a matter of proportion.
Unruly elements threaten
the stability of the house.
It's best to nip them in the bud.
Yes.
Well, you -you must do
what you think best.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.
Love so amazing
So divine
Demands my heart
My life
My all
The grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ...
the love of God
and the fellowship of the Holy Ghost...
be with us all evermore.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Senior table.
Quiet.
As soon as you've finished...
juniors to the sweat room
and seniors to their studies.
And wait in silence.
Carry on.
Fisher. That's your second bun!
I saw you. Put it back!
Travisl
Wallacel
Knightlyl
Come in.
Good evening.
I imagine you know why you're here.
No.
For being a nuisance.
A general nuisance in the house.
What do you mean, being a nuisance?
What have we done?
Done?
It's your general attitude.
You know exactly what I mean.
Attitude?
And we've decided to beat you for it.
Stand up properly when
the head of house addresses you.
There's something
indecent about you, Travis.
The way you slouch about.
You think we don't notice you
with your hands in your pockets.
The way you just sit there
looking at everyone.
You three have become a danger
to the morale of the whole house.
You can take that
cheap little grin off your mouthl
I serve the nation.
You haven't the slightest idea
what it means, have you?
To you it's just one bloody joke.
You mean that bit of wool on your tit?
- Christ.
- You're in the sixth form now.
You should be prepared
to set an example of responsibility.
- You're a nuisance.
- You're pathetic.
And as such, you must be punished.
Well, have you anything to say?
Any of you?
Yes. I have.
The thing I hate about you, Rowntree...
is the way you give Coca-Cola
to your scum...
and your best teddy bear to Oxfam...
and expect us to lick
your frigid fingers...
for the rest of your frigid life.
Go down to the gym.
Wait outside.
Wallace.
Get up.
Thank you, Rowntree.
- Only four.
- Knightly.
Done.
Christ, that was a bit low.
Hey, Mick.
Blood?
Yeah. Blood.
Get up.
Thank you, Rowntree.
Travis.
Get your coat off.
Go to the bars.
Bend over.
Wait till you're told!
Get down.
Get up.
- Thank you, Rowntree.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Fortinbras.
Translate, please.
"'And do you not remember, 'I said...
"'that we also said that we must...
"'conduct the children
to war on horseback...
"'to- to be spectators...
"'and wherever it may be safe...
"'bring them to the front
and give them a taste of blood...
as we do with, uh - "'
Uh, "as we do with horses. "
A creditable guess, but no.
Anyone else?
Ayoung she-goat?
Look it up, Rowntree.
"Ayoung dog. A whelp. Puppy. "
For the first time in 13 years...
College House has won
the Bigley Memorial Marathon Chalice.
This house has seen great days.
It's going to see them again.
We're back on the right track at last.
But I don't want you to think
you can relax.
It's up to everyone to pull together.
I want to see each one of you
going all out.
I know you've got it in you.
So let's see College House back on top.
All right.
Right. House thump!
College House!
College House!
College House!
College House!
We're on our own now.
What are we going to do?
Trust me?
Of course.
When are we going to do it?
When I say.
Death to the oppressor.
The resistance.
Liberty.
One man can change the world
with a bullet in the right place.
Real bullets.
Fairest isle
All isles excelling
Seat of pleasure
And of love
Venus here
Shall choose her dwelling
And forsake
Her Cyprian groves
Space, you see, Michael,
is all expanding...
at the speed of light.
It's a mathematical certainty...
that somewhere,
among all those million of stars...
there's another planet
where they speak English.
Have a look.
"The Son of God goes forth to war...
a kingly crown to gain. "
We are all corrupt.
We are all sinful.
We are all meat to be punished.
If a soldier doesn't do his duty,
he expects to be punished.
There are failures great and small...
and there are punishments
great and small.
But there is one failure, one crime...
one betrayal...
that can never be forgiven.
And that betrayal is called desertion.
The deserter in the face of the enemy
must expect to be shot.
Jesus Christ is our commanding officer.
And if we desert him,
we can expect no mercy.
And... we are all deserters.
All right. Corporal, over here.
That's our objective,
where that tree is. Right.
Listen, "D" Section. Come on. Listen.
Hedge junction, 4:00,
bushy top tree.
We will attack and destroy that tree.
Right. Bren gun left.
Go on! Move!
Single filel
Single filel
Come on, Peter. Keep it up.
Well done, that man on the Brenl
Rabbit crawl all the way back to basel
Rabbit crawl, manl
Stop. What are you doing?
It's awful.
You forgot to yell.
The yell of hate.
It's the yell that counts.
Everybody back. At the double.
Ready? Charge!
Chargel
Stop there.
Get down! Get down! Get down!
You're all dead. I've won.
Sergeant's coming round. Re-form your men.
"A"Company, get into line.
Come onl Movel
- All right, Denson.
Bring your men over here. Hurry up.
- Don't dawdle. Now march properly.
- Left, right, left.
- Left. Left.
- That's right. Pick up a set.
At the double.
Get a move on. Don't hang around.
- Hurry up.
- Who left his rifle here?
All right. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.
"D" Section over here.
This is an order.
Put your rifles down
and get over to the tea queue.
Go on, you. Go on. Move.
- All right, boy?
- You keep going.
That's the lad.
Take coverl
Take coverl
Who's there?
Who's there?
Show yourself, whoever you are!
Come out of there!
Empty those rifles at once.
Hand over those rifles instantly!
Come on. Hand them over.
For the love of God, don't shoot!
No. No. No.
I take this seriously.
Very seriously indeed.
Reverend Woods
might have been quite badly hurt.
Do you realize that?
Now I want you to apologize to him.
Is that clear?
Now, you mustn't think
that I don't understand.
It's a natural characteristic of adolescence
to want to proclaim individuality.
There's nothing unhealthy about that.
It's a quite blameless form
of existentialism.
This, for instance, is what lies
at the heart of the great hair problem.
I think you boys know that I keep
an open mind on most things.
And of one thing I am certain:
Short hair is no indication of merit.
So often I've noticed that...
it's the hair rebels who step into the breach
when there's a crisis...
whether it be a fire in the house...
or to sacrifice a week's holiday...
in order to give a party of slum children
seven days in the country.
But, of course, there are limits.
Scruffiness of any kind is deplorable.
I think you'd go that far with me.
Now, the fees here are at present...
Which works out
at about 15 guineas a week.
This is no mean sum.
It is the salary, for instance, of the average
trainee supermarket manager.
But on the other hand,
it's no more than the cost...
of keeping
a juvenile delinquent in Borstal.
However, this is merely to look at the matter
in terms of hard cash...
which is not the only consideration.
There is above all the question of service.
Those who are given most
also have most to give.
Now you boys are intelligent.
You're too intelligent to be rebels.
That's too easy.
And it would be easy to punish you
in the normal way.
But I'm going to give you a privilege.
Work. Real work.
And I want you to think of this
not as a punishment...
but as an opportunity to give...
to serve.
Guard ofhonor, 'shunl
Guard, shoulder... armsl
Guard, present... armsl
Guard, shoulder... arms!
Guard, order armsl
- How do you do, sir? Nice to have you at College.
- Yes. So nice.
- You know the bishop.
- Bishop!
- General. How very nice to see you.
- Nice to see you after all this time.
- It's a long time.
- Twenty-seven years?
- Twenty-seven years it's been?
- I've got to leave now.
Yes. Right.
Each manly voice upraise
Clasp each the hand in brotherhood
And raise the roof with praise
And when these days of school are past
Though we'll be near or far
We'll cherish still her memory
Gainst fire and flood and foe
We'll serve her still
through good and ill
As through the world we'll go
And when these days of school are past
Though we'll be near or far
We'll stand again for College
Who made us what we are
Your Royal Highness...
my lord bishop...
General Denson...
my lords, ladies and gentlemen...
today is a day for the future...
and also a day for the past.
Any institution which has
half a thousand years -
one-quarter of the Christian era
stretching behind it-
is bound to have a sense of the past.
But in point of fact,
there can be few places...
where tradition is examined
with such a critical eye as this college.
A constant self-appraisal is going on.
And indeed,
changes are happening so fast...
that even as I speak,
these words are out of date.
But first I want to introduce
General Denson...
who, of course,
needs no introduction...
either as a national hero
or as an old boy.
General Denson.
Thank you, Headmaster.
Your Royal Highness,
my lord bishop...
my lords, ladies and gentlemen.
Men of College, now,
you chaps are probably thinking...
there's nothing much
an old soldier like me can teach you.
Well, you may be right.
All the same, I'm going to
have a shot at it.
First thing, you're lucky.
Yes. A lot of men would give their eyeteeth
to be sitting where you're sitting now.
You are privileged.
Now, for heaven's sake, don't get me wrong.
There is nothing the matter
with privilege-
as long as we're ready to pay for it.
It's a very sad thing,
but today it is fashionable...
to belittle tradition.
The old orders that made
our nation a-a living force...
are for the most part scorned...
by modern psychiatrists, priests,
pundits of all sorts.
But what have they got
to put in their place, hmm?
Oh, politicians talk a lot about freedom.
Well, freedom is the heritage of
every Englishman...
who speaks with the tongue
that Shakespeare spoke.
But, you know, we won't stay free
unless we're ready to fight.
And you won't be any good as fighters...
unless you know something
about discipline-
the habit of obedience-
how to give orders...
and how to take them.
Never mind the sneers of the cynics.
Let us just be true to honor,
duty, national pride.
We still need loyalty.
We still need tradition.
If we look around us at the world today,
what do we see?
We see bloodshed, confusion, decay.
I know the world has changed
a great deal in the past 50 years -
But England-
our England doesn't change so easily.
And back here in College today I feel -
and it makes me jolly proud -
that there is still a tradition here
which has not changed...
and by God, it isn't going to changel
It's up to all of you chaps
to give the world a lead.
It is Britain's tradition
that you have learnt here.
Self-reliance, service, self-sacrifice.
A tradition of College.
And it's up to all of us to reassure
the world by our unquestioning obedience...
that we still hope -
My God, we're on fire!
Now don't panic. Don't panic.
Women first.
Break open the windows.
Don't shout.
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Women and children-
Oh, my God.
Come on. Stand up. Stand up.
Stand up for College.
Each manly voice upraise.
- Mum, where are you?
- Outl God, let us outl
Come on. Come on.
Ammunition, quick!
Break open the armory.
Every man a rifle.
Now keep low! Keep low!
Rabbit crawl!
Infiltrate their flank. Get a Bren gun
on their flank. Come on. Jump to it.
Bastards! Bastards!
Bastards!
Stop! Stop!
Stop firing!
Cease fire.
Cease firing.
Boys! Boys!
I understand you!
Listen to reason and trust me!
Trust me!