If I Were a Boy (2017) Movie Script

My name is Jeanne Claire.
I am 38 years old,
have two wonderful children
and of course the perfect father.
He is a dentist and handsome as a god.
Like all couples, we have some trouble, but in the end we always get along.
I've thought a lot about us.
The two-month separation has opened my eyes.
For years I was not there for you.
It was always all about the kids.
You did imagined otherwise.
I finally started the pelvic floor muscles.
I've changed. Marry me.
I've got to know someone.
- Huh? - I've got to know someone.
You mean ... another woman?
- She is pregnant. - What?
- Pregnant by whom? - It'll be a boy.
- How long is that? - From me.
- Something from me? - No, from me.
- Ah, of you. - Yes. I'll put her in front of the children.
- What? - We hire an attorney.
- As usual. - Anton.
I want joint custody.
- Pardon, I understand ... - Jeanne.
- What does that mean? - I have to go.
My name is Jeanne Claire, am 38th
- My life is a nightmare. - Mummy!
Fortunately, I have my angel, Paul and Lau.
Have I also have a second room and more toys?
Joint custody? I'd rather croak.
We expect record temperatures for Christmas.
France is flooded, and soon Paris.
In the afternoon, heavy thunderstorms and storms.
Because of weather warnings all embankments were locked.
As a child I was afraid of thunderstorms.
Do not worry, you'll get sole custody after all.
That's Marcelle, my great neighbor. She is afraid of nothing.
I have a one-night stand tasted. I could still throw up.
But no one forced you to get drunk.
You do not even vertr?gst alcoholic beer.
What if I see him again?
Perhaps this Merlin found the evening great.
Your things.
Let's push you. Do not forget, Dad pick you up.
I am an architect.
I did my dream school, my biggest project.
- Please wait. - Not the. Press the button.
"Building with positive energy," good day?
Finally I can take refuge in my office.
- Jeanne. - Hey.
You must immediately to the site.
- Is what? - The boss is prevented.
Thou shalt not make the loss.
You have to work control, with ...
Monsieur... Kracovik.
Come on. Did you with boots?
- Ah, Merlin! - Oh...
- I think for the elevator. Coffee? - Many Thanks.
Kiss, my beauty.
I have to go.
Promised. See you.
- Let's go have a drink. - Gladly.
That's my one-night stand.
Hello, Jane.
Alles before?
Married, mate, womanizer.
Worse things went just.
Would you like to have a coffee?
Come on.
There are days when it is better to stay in bed.
Can we help you?
Are you lost?
watch beautiful, wet and muddy!
Need boots?
Let's get started.
So I...
So this work ...
I mean, the installations were not executed so professionally.
What is this' ne mess? As you can swim when washing your hands.
But what the heck, fits well with the green concept.
Kracovik, is on every floor so?
- Water ... - What? "Some water comes out"?
I take the loss. Drive back to the office.
No, the boss has asked me ...
They speak so again. What's the matter with you?
It's ... I ...
It is the time ... Sorry.
One moment. Wait.
- Hello? - Yes?
- Did your lawyer call? - No but...
What's this?
I'm sorry, I won. We will share custody.
Our baby is coming! The contractions started one at five.
We are all but happy.
You have to pick up to four children.
- I'm on a ... - Honestly, look here.
- You tell the kids. - Wait, what about Christmas?
- We need to agree. - I want her with me.
The baby is coming! Salut!
Jeanne, I do not want to interfere, but Kracovik has finished repair.
Now make the loss?
- Jeanne. What ... - Let me ...
I have to pick up the kids, go.
My name is Jeanne Claire. With men I'm done.
Has certainly fucked the judge.
He tramples' on me.
The make all types, is just that. After all, you know it.
Stop it, that's silly.
The flash does not already meet you.
My father was right. Without the tail, you are nothing.
- Nothing at all. - I renounce my sex date.
- You are afraid, I'll stay. - No.
- All good. I just need ... sleep. - Sleep?
No no no!
Stays outside. Go into your room.
Leave me alone.
Are you okay, Mom?
I, uh ... That is climate change, nothing else.
But now going to play. Thanks, kids.
Take it easy. Everything will be fine.
"Paulo is there now.
He is sure basketball again. "
One two Three.
Is he there now?
- What? Who? - Is he get out?
- What? - Is he there yet?
- Who? What? - The baby.
- My little brother. - Ah ...
Yes, he's there. It seems that a very large baby.
- Yes! Yes! - Holt cornflakes you before.
Mama coming.
School. You have to get dressed.
Get dressed for school.
Does not fit in.
That never fits.
Whether he fits in there? He sticks out.
My Sweet,
I wish you beautiful day ... with dad.
See you next week, okay?
Mama loves you. Mom pushes you.
- Everything okay? - Everything great.
Everything is wonderful.
Hello, Monsieur masses, it's me, Jeanne.
I can not come to work today.
No, not because of it. I have a fat virus.
Maybe not fat, but substantial.
I would say Monday if all goes well. The very latest.
Mme Claire, Dr. Pace Thursday but no office.
It is really very, very urgent.
Will not you tell me what happened?
No no no.
I have a son who log.
You have to call me before.
Then I get down, taking the rose, and finished.
Jane? Alles klar, Jeanne?
We see you, okay?
- Adam, Jeanne. Jeanne, Adam. - Good day.
You It's really not good, huh?
- You are great, thanks. - You also. Bye for now.
perhaps you would have something very strong to drink?
In your condition? Take prefer vegetable juice.
A glass of wine knocks you down yet.
The thing with the custody makes you really ready.
You're a wreck.
Who pays you, so you go around like that?
Honestly, this skirt is terrible.
- I think I've got a penis. - Oh really?
No, no fun. I have a tail.
- You want to see it? - Yeah, right.
I know, disgusting, disgusting, repulsive. I want to get rid of him.
Then take it off yet.
Are you crazy?
- What ... - It hurts like hell!
- What's this? - Do I have to die?
- Clear the way! - But you can not.
- Take that off! - It does not work!
My mother.
- Crap. - Be natural.
Of course, please!
- And then ... - Good evening.
- I gave him nothing done. - No ...
- But. - Hello.
How are you?
Bring him in already.
Ceases to smoking joints, girls.
We then go get out and discuss everything there, huh?
Na the. The.
Can I see him again?
I had just seen him properly.
I was so surprised and scared.
- He is not like the others. - So?
He is unique.
Simply unique.
Certainly not baroque, but not classic ...
What can I say? A bit of Scandinavian furniture.
So clean lines and beautiful shiny.
I find it heavenly.
Now he is no longer there, because of the cold.
When I imagine, after a hot bath ... amazing.
- Jeanne. Do you think it works? - Be quiet.
That's so gross.
A woman's head with male gender.
What could you do everything. I envy you.
If only I had died.
What woman does not want to know what that is?
- I renounce. - You are mutation and superhero.
So kind of a cross with a bisexual nature. This gives it.
Oh yes, there are the oysters and snails.
This is our food: antibiotics, pesticides, genetic engineering.
The fish have two heads, you just a dick.
A dick. Come on.
Throw yourself down. I bet you can fly.
- I'm a monster, and you ... - are you not a monster.
You're the Joan of Arc of modernity.
- Nonsense. - But.
- Maybe a growing me. - You think so?
- And other women. Tomorrow, who knows? - Do you think?
That's why hair Jeanne us grow on the chin.
- You're the Urexemplar the prototype. - Yes?
Is that clear to you? Hey, girls!
Girls! They say we need a to be respected!
We show it! We push them in the ass!
Mrs? Mrs.
- Madame Claire wherever you want? - I need to Dr. Pace.
You can not clean easily.
It's about life and death. I have to see the doctor.
I'll give you an appointment. Pretty hat.
- It's urgent. - I will look. Wednesday would go.
What shoud that?
Mme Claire, come back!
but it does not burst just in here. Marinette!
I need to show you something. But do not tell anyone.
I am subject to confidentiality. But we had no appointment.
It suddenly occurred yesterday morning.
And now it hurts.
Dont move.
- It's the water? - Yes.
This is water.
- Doctor? - I'm taking the day off.
- See you tomorrow. - Why?
- Promised. - I've been waiting for two hours.
- All right. You're welcome. - Yes?
- There is a solution for everything. - Yes?
- A disaster. - You scare me.
Clear should read: Now do not panic. It is all good.
- I am confident. - Oh?
- Very confident. - Maybe psychosomatic?
In rare cases, severe shocks can even attack certain organs.
However, if this is psychosomatic, then a lot of pleasure.
- Is it the new pill? - Definitely not, definitely not.
- You may Take hormones? - Oh no, no, no.
Were there other cases? Her mother, grandmother?
But how do you say that, Doctor? Spin?
Do not complain, I'm looking.
- Are you saying we can do it? - What him?
- You're welcome. - That will not do.
There's sex change. I want one.
- You're welcome. - This one is very clear:
So serious intervention is very painful.
Just because it occurred so suddenly. He could instantly grow back.
Ow! Now do not bite me!
- I'm going crazy. - Tell me about it!
Please contact Mme Claire.
This really is not my area of ??expertise.
- Hm? - I'll send you to a specialist ...
Oh no. No one should know about it.
Everyone will be after me.
I'm not a circus monster only mother.
You are my gynecologist. You must help me.
- I ask you. - Take it easy.
He could disappear as it has emerged.
When? I can live another day like that.
- It disgusts me. - Understand.
I can not touch it him.
Also... also... also...
Please calm down, ma'am.
I ask you. Did you used to be a stuffed animal?
Yes why?
- What was it called? - Pinpin Monsieur.
- A rabbit? - Why?
To be call him Monsieur Pinpin.
That reminds you of your friend.
- But he was loving, wanted no evil? - He was.
If you touch it, you think you touch the rabbit Pinpin.
Now let me go.
- Let us examine him times. We must. - For real?
Everything seems to function normally. That's a comfort.
It attracts quite terrible.
It feels like a grenade just before ... explode.
That is normal.
Pardon the expression, but Pinpins little bag is full.
- The need to get out. - No way.
- I'm afraid. - You're welcome?
- I'm afraid. - But now...
I have a Pinpin between the legs for 50 years.
He has never bitten.
- but I'm not a man. - Do not be afraid.
Unpack Pinpin, and off you go!
- That los, los. - Okay.
- He remains flaccid, is this normal? - Nothing is normal.
Listen, maybe it helps:
Think of something you excited.
Madame? All I have to do here.
Imagine, you are ...
- In a chalet ... - Yes.
In front of the fireplace. It is warm and cozy.
- Do what is? - Uh, no.
An attractive man ...
lolling on a coat before you.
He growls ...
- And? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - I think it's disgusting.
A woman?
He moves.
- What is this lady? - It stands in high boots.
With a lustful smile.
And now...
- Be careful. - Yes?
She spreads her legs ...
And you ... and you ...
I have everything covered with sperm.
Well, I'm waiting in the parlor.
Mme Claire, I'm exhausted.
I'll call you if I have your blood, okay?
Please send me sick for quite a long time.
But you are not sick.
You have until Monday off. Life goes on.
Stand up. With momentum.
There you go, ma'am. Fine. Do not go that way.
- What do I do now? - Buy more underpants.
And pamper Pinpin. Several times a day.
- Everything will be fine. - Sure, Doctor?
- You look very helpless. - What. That's not me.
- Are you reach over the phone? - Clear.
- Yes. - Yes? Then I'll call.
Positive. Think positive. Goodbye.
- Wow, that looks really strong out. - And if so.
Stop whining. It's great, what happened to you.
You have a turbine between the legs.
- Sch ... - The lit a village.
No rule, no spiral, no tampons, no menopause.
Maybe another break, not so bad.
- And you can rumklatschen it. - Ah.
- And so on. - Sch.
That's sharp.
If you have to, you bring it out and pee off.
- Sch... - Hey. Hey, hey.
The journey is just beginning.
You'll have fun, you do focus.
- This is Merlin. - ran go.
- Hallo? - Ja, hallo, Jeanne. Hello.
Still speechless. I'm sorry to bother, but I have no choice.
The decrease is due to, a disaster.
To avoid further delays,
we need to bring forward the customer appointment on Tuesday.
How does the recalculation?
- How can I say ... - What?
- I'm on sick leave. - Jeanne.
Herbal 'n suppositories and get to work.
- That will not be enough ... - Tuesday, that's not negotiable.
- Once asshole ... - ... always asshole.
Was you serious?
Jeanne, look at me.
- Come between my legs. - What?
Everything okay?
All good?
I have to go. I can not anymore.
Oh damn, that's her.
Phew, so I need to keep my distance. Not lose weight, right.
- Hello? I can hardly hear you. - Here is Jeanne.
- I feel bad. - I do not hear anything.
- If the tail? say "tail" -.
I do not, I'm confused.
It will be allright. Drink something.
- And what? - No matter, 'nen Whiskey, a double.
- Hello? I do not listen. - I wonder...
Not possible, I'm afraid.
Weapons Ding Ding weapons ...
Jeanne? Jeanne.
What did you do?
What's this?
You're sick.
- It is quite hot. - Who then?
- I'm afraid ... - Slow. I do not understand anything.
Since this morning, he's red, purple. A whole new color.
I can not imagine that. Send a photo.
It's burning...
- Oh yeah, that ... - Herv? darling.
- I thought ... - DC, treasure, a phone call.
Only a swelling. That will pass.
But now times calm, damn it!
- creams it on with ointment. - ointment?
Creams Give him one, then everything is back to normal.
Good luck.
I love you.
Mom, we miss you.
I look forward to see you again tomorrow.
Yes me too.
- Nice day. - kisses, I love you.
Tomorrow evening? Holy shit.
When I cook, I think of sex.
While brushing your teeth I think of sex.
No matter what I do, I think of sex.
And if I do not do anything, then ...
- Is that so, if you're a man? - I also have such thoughts.
If this happens to me, I'll get it all out.
As soon as I have time, I'll call Adam, and bang.
I had one, I allowed myself a blow every day in front of the telly.
The full asocial, Marcelle.
I have no more time.
The children come tomorrow, I have to work again.
- What am I doing? A disaster. - What.
Do it like this: You pull up pretty on, doing on female.
No one remembers what.
All men should wear skirts.
Only a dork wearing pants with a tail between the legs.
You smoke? Are you full of surprises.
Not habit.
- And if he surprised me again? - As?
You know, yesterday, there ...
As I sat in the metro, and there was a woman ...
Who was not even pretty. She sat a little too close.
You were sharp? Do you get 'nen stand at work?
This is no longer I, Marcelle.
You do not understand that.
As well as a woman?
One type is never alone, always in pairs. He and his tail.
Schwanzschrubben done.
Come on, now tell everything. What about Pinpin?
It's great, believe me.
It's so funny and kind of strange.
Funny, it's hard ...
and lightweight.
It is, how shall I say?
A lead weight with wings.
That's really cool. And when you...
Compared with us?
That's funny. I do not remember how it was before.
That's crazy, it's like a ...
A black hole.
Uh, and secondly to Pinpin, you know ...
With Pinpin, it's as if ...
As if you brush a burnt pan, you know?
You rubbelst, and then the crust dissolves.
- Yes. - If it dissolves, you rejoice.
- You are satisfied. - Content, yes.
You rubbelst until it gleams. The more, the more are you looking forward.
Eventually you rubbelst without knowing why.
You rubbelst, rubbelst ...
Rubbelst ... Without end, you know?
And suddenly: boom.
Do you understand? As a...
- Like a tube which is free. - As a pipe.
The only problem is, it's temporary.
You want to start all over again.
- You want to again and again. - You'll get in old age.
Maybe not.
What do you do to your hand?
- Stop looking at me so horny. - But Marcelle ...
- Yes? - We're great neighbors.
And you're standing on Versautes and everything is new.
You said you like Pinpin.
Sure, I think Pinpin great. This is not a problem.
But rather turn to a guy.
- Stop it. - Can not you see? I have pressure.
- But. - Marcelle ...
Hey, hey, Jeanne, hello! Stop doing that.
I get up Pinpin, I love women, no problem.
But not together, that's too much. I think I'm going nuts.
You never kiffst!
"Building with positive energy," good day.
Ah yes, very much. He calls her back.
Speak to you soon.
- Good day. - Day. Do you still go to 'this party?
Uh, no.
- Did you have an accident? - Tiny problem, not bad.
- The was packed hard. - Looks like.
Sweet, NEN buy you 'comb and make me a latte.
I beg your pardon? Do you have a problem? A little more respect.
Keep your mouth shut. Be quiet.
Go away.
And you with the stupid fly, show me what a jerk you are.
Hello, Jeanne, uh ...
Uh ... The boss is waiting for you in the office.
Because of his mother, her does not get any better.
- This means? - She died, Jeanne.
I have brought out the documents, it is not too complicated.
It is important that we pass the building to the 4th.
Otherwise we are at the end. So done ....
- We can not give up now. - Good day, sir.
- My condolences. - Yes, good afternoon, Jeanne. You're welcome.
Jeanne represent me, oversees everything. With you.
You will be a good team.
- No. - Please do not.
- Not at all. - We are not.
Can you stop that?
- Rather not. - I like working with Jacques.
- Jacques does it with. - He knows where it's at.
- No. - But.
But Jacques does not know the project.
Jeanne has made the designs and plans.
But Jacques ... He still has a lot more practical experience.
- I'm sitting in the office but only ... - She's a office mouse.
- Jacques ... - Ja ...
That's enough! Stop it, now!
There you are. Get up and shake hands.
And you work together.
Get up now.
Give yourself a hand.
- There you are. Thank you. - So okay.
- I'm sorry. - Jeanne?
- You can do it with ease. - Nice from you.
What else are you okay?
- And. - And?
Oh Jeanne, I do not bite so.
I just wonder, I do not know, you look so ...
- Strange. - Who I? How so?
I am in top form. Everything great.
I see. I just had a feeling.
Uh, so ...
Because I had 'ne question, as asshole. Because of the numbers.
For the meeting tomorrow. What is about the amount?
- It is a surprise. - Understand.
In life there is a lack of surprises.
And surprises are important, so ...
La, la, la ... Stay tuned.
- Sweetheart, what's up? - "My sweetheart"...
That must wait. I can not at the moment.
- Is bad. - "It will have to wait" ...
We speak later if ...
I'm not...
Has almost ... almost killed us.
Such a stupid asshole!
- Stay here! - nerve!
- Do not get out. - asshole!
Switching kindly one your brain!
- Or ride Metro! - Jeanne, all right.
- Is that clear? - Nothing happens.
Excuse me.
- I am sorry. - She behaves strangely.
- Not meant seriously. - Yes.
Everything okay? I could not possibly know.
Ah ... Jeanne, Jeanne.
- You know, what we do from now? - No.
keep safe distance. As if we were surrounded by barbed wire.
All around.
- You see him? - Roger that.
- Oh, oh, oh... - Ja?
We ... we ...
There is a sewage problem. We need to replace pipes.
- Are you kidding? - So...
- The decrease was three days ago. - I ...
- The chief jumped off, we toil all. - So, if I ...
- Misfortunes never come singly. - If I...
- What now? - How should I know?
- This damage occurs so suddenly. - May I...
- Beautiful assistance. - Not my problem.
"Was nun? Was nun?"
Perhaps you would listen to me.
According to me. We are listening.
I wanted to say it was already all taken into account.
I have a safety margin provided.
Ah, the amount you did not call.
- As I said, a surprise. - Ah right.
Hey, hey, hey!
What about the safety distance, the barbed wire?
In theory, I should be pierced.
What's the matter with you? You have it certainly difficult.
- I'm good. - But that will not do, no.
No differences in front of the team. That's rule number one.
Pardon if I repeat.
Now you make the estimate.
- Are you crazy? But he's done! - Ah okay.
Marcelle, Marcelle, Marcelle. Bekamst du meine SMS?
- What do you do? - Can you now look after the children?
- What? - I demand a lot from you, yes.
I have to be sure to work.
I'm not to blame. It is up to Pinpin.
He makes a totally crazy. What are you doing there?
- Yes. You scared me. - Hot ... Thanks.
I have to go. Thank you, thank you. Goodbye.
My sacrum is blocked.
Do you see?
So it's good when I bend.
But then it goes no further.
So it still goes well, but when I ...
- The sees you yet. - That's not me.
- You have to go. - This is Pinpin.
You have to fuck. I've got one for you.
- What did you tell? - That you 'ne Transe are.
- A transvestite? - Excuse me, so ...
You're acting just like a man.
- I'm not a guy! - Sch.
All right?
I am caring mother ... with male gender.
- A big difference. - Yes.
- Do the so tight outfits wear? - Stop it.
Sorry sir.
My God!
Jeanne, I ...
Damn, oh no!
Another one?
- Want another one? - Uh ... Yes.
This is really crazy.
Joe, Joe...
Nobody knows. Can I trust you?
Yes, I am silent as the grave. I would never tell.
It would anyway not believe.
I also have a secret.
- Oh yes? - Yes.
Yes, but ... It's not as big as ...
as your secret, but ...
I'm still virgin.
- I know. - Excuse me.
I'm sure I'm the only one from all the staff.
But no. I do not quite mean ....
I have been ... well never done it.
- Pinpin So hat's never done before. - Ah, ah like that.
I am a mother and virgin.
- Half virgin. - Well ...
That makes half virgins in operation. This increases the statistics.
- Jeanne, was... - Hm?
- Do you think we ... - No.
- we both thought not of the same? - No.
- Maybe yes.
- Oh, and. And. - Oh, and.
And if I do not bring it? Maybe I'm bad.
- I do not know how to do it. - I'm equally bad way.
- So? - So ... we do it.
I'm sorry, oh dear.
I do not know what he has. I'm sorry.
Oh, excuse me.
- Maybe I did not like Pinpin. - No, definitely not.
Wait, I'll be right back.
Sure I slept.
What should I do otherwise? Wait a second.
Do not be to the act fixed.
- Your head is connected to Pinpin. - Is not he.
If you run a marathon and think about 42 km,
You are done, in the end, dead, ko
Focus on the steps. Step by step, right?
I am doing, but he does not obey. Do you understand?
Pinpin not the problem, but your head.
I think he ... is under enormous pressure, so it fails.
Her head. Think of the chalet, the woman.
The high boots.
The animal fur.
Wait Ch?ie. It's not how you think.
- Have you ever walked Marathon? - Uh, no.
Introduce yourself...
A chalet.
And then...
Many Thanks!
Thank you, thank you. Incredible what you've done for me.
Not worth talking about.
But times say ...
How you found my rhythm? Were you satisfied?
The main thing we have done it.
Yes, but how did you think ...
the pace and ...
the movement and everything was ...
- I'm not a virgin, I ... - Okay, darling.
- I ... - There you liked.
It's crazy, completely crazy.
It is believed that some things will never happen.
And then so what. It was as if I were in prison.
When I would serve a sentence forever.
Absolutely innocent. Life imprisonment.
And now, Jeanne ... The madness.
Now I can say.
Um ... Jeanne?
Wow, your mother is beautiful.
Oh, you have well said.
- You look really great. - Do you find?
Mom, we're late!
- Hopps. - You can not wear them yet.
I always eat my spinach.
- I have no teeth cleaned. - You have not signed.
We have no school bread.
Everything goes down the drain.
Get up.
So. Now I wish you much fun in school.
- When you go to the seaside? - I want one, too.
- What makes you think that? - Mom, do not cry.
But Dad is flying Christmas with us to Costa Rica.
Just to talk in peace about the children, without stress.
Promised. That's great.
Kisses, until tonight.
He takes away the children away, and you say "kiss"?
Do not worry. Do not worry!
I understand only station.
- Still a nice day! - You too!
Look, here comes ... Oh.
Good day. Good day.
Good day. Hello everybody.
Hello, Merlin.
Ready for the meeting?
Um, I'm ready. Are you probably good again.
- Yes, I'm in shape. In top form. - Jeanne.
We have to work Christmas. No choice.
No problem, I have taken into account.
- Hey, your helmet. - Ah yes, the helmet. Clear.
We need the solar modules. When will they come?
We better ask Merlin.
- Uh, Merlin? - I was not listening, but yes.
- Ja was? - Ja... was?
- When the solar panels come from? - Understand.
The coming end of the week.
- Perfect. Fits exactly. - Wonderful.
- Okay. - They are there. The customer, Jeanne.
My dear friends...
How are you today us? Welcome to the site.
- Good day, sir. - Good day.
- Good day. - Good day.
Good day. Oh, firm handshake.
Good day ... Good day, madame.
Very pleased. Oh how beautiful.
Coffee and cookies waiting in there for you.
Let's go inside.
Come here, Merlin. Merlin.
Attention barbed wire. I remember my rules in no time.
You can safely recommend a romantic restaurant me?
- No. - No?
I only know hooker bars, like all assholes.
Monsieur, two, please.
Is not bad.
I have, is also important New Year's Eve.
Next year we turn it over, huh?
Everything great.
And, um ...
Your girlfriend? How is she?
Oh, very good, yes. Super, so ...
- A little tired certainly? - But that's quite normal.
Clearly this is normal, what do you think?
I have behind me.
Twice, as you know.
All the time the baby ...
Breastfeeding, changing diapers, breastfeeding, changing diapers ...
But where are you?
Who cares about you?
- Anton ... - What are you doing?
Do not play shy. I like to meet you.
You want it too, sweetheart.
You are so strong. Good...
Take a seat.
And listen carefully.
You know, when I told you I had changed ...
Since I have the really serious.
- Do you want to see? - Yes.
- Ja? - Ja, Jeanne. Na the.
Oh, and ...
Is something wrong?
Do you have a headache?
I take the champagne. This is probably too much for you.
Move out.
- You want to see more? - Yes.
- Get dressed further. - No, Anton.
You have to ask a lot friendlier.
- Bitte, Joan, Cherie. - Ja?
- Please Strip. - Good boy, so good.
- Sure, you want me to see? - Oh yeah.
- Then beg. - Oh please.
You're close. Want to really see it?
And now say hello to Pinpin.
Yes, yes, yes.
After 18 years together, you surprise me yet.
You're so generous and open to everything.
In short, what a mad night.
We deserved a proper farewell, right?
Thank you. Jeanne, your ex.
- Nice day. - Incredible.
These are your androgen and testosterone levels.
The male hormone, 35 nanomoles. Amazingly, really.
These are your ?stregen- and progesterone levels.
The female, right? 315 pg.
This is overwhelming, explode the values.
This means that you are like a teenager.
But both in one.
So really, this is really a case for textbook.
Did you notice more changes?
I am very muscular. And like I said.
I'm so glad, so that Pinpin ...
I could immediately. Too cool to have a tail.
Please not so vulgar. we remain scientifically.
I did research and found a case like yours.
- For real? - In the 16th century.
A peasant girl named Marie.
One day she guards her pigs. Running away.
She runs after them. She runs and runs.
She wants to jump over a ditch.
She takes off, jumping in the air, doing a balancing act ...
On landing, boom. As.
- So? - Little Marie.
Except for the pigs and the balancing act.
This is strictly scientific, by Ambroise Par?
He's anatomy expert. He dissected corpses against church will.
An outstanding pioneer, a forerunner of today's medicine.
Is Maries thing eventually leave?
She tied her breasts down, wore pants and called itself Jermain.
You forgot she was even Mrs.
They also had a beard, like Conchita Wurst.
- You, incidentally, not yet. - No.
- maybe Come up. - Please do not.
You always have to do more research. Often we only think they know something.
We do not know anything, just believe it. And suddenly someone like you shows up.
Roll up to the gender issue. I think my thesis.
The theses about bisexuality ...
I will ... I'm still wondering about.
- Are you all right? - Fine. I do not sleep.
- Finished. - But...
A colleague you have to make. A specialist in genetic disorders.
For science. Your case is symbolic.
No. No one should know about it.
Clear? A mother with tail, that's embarrassing.
Do not say "tail". Tell us what else.
There are better expressions. Should I list them?
- Think? - Maybe.
- Think about and we'll talk again. - Clear.
And hop, little angel.
Yes, come in. Ah, Daddy's here. Come in, come in.
Goes briefly into your room. We need to talk briefly.
- But do not forget anything. - I've got a list.
- Come in. Make yourself at home. - Is good.
- How are you? - I'll get the kids.
Do not worry, they are the same.
- Children, are you from? - Are right there.
I can cancel the tickets of the children.
You will not be reimbursed, but that's not bad, so ...
Will you, I'll bring it tomorrow.
I'm not saying their trip a day from before. They look forward to that.
- That would be cruel. - As you wish.
I celebrate Christmas alone.
Sometimes beautiful.
Come on, kids!
You do not hear so good on you.
Children, please!
No power, you're too soft. Come on.
Come on, kids!
Children, if you do not at three here are ...
- Mummy! - Come, my sweet.
You are the greatest. I like you.
You will miss you very doll.
Do not forget: Santa Claus comes to ...
- Mummy. - I agree.
Have fun.
- Come on. Happy Holidays. - See you, Dad ... uh, Mama.
Hello you two.
- Dad, we go to the sea? - Juhu!
- That could perhaps because the rear. - Okay.
- Bruno, helmet on. - Man...
Well, keep it up, it rolls out. Roll out.
Continue until the end! Yes, that's good.
Merlin ... Oje, pole, pole.
Great. Madness. Well done.
Bravo, wa ... What must that needs.
Los admits the Sauhaufen on here. Immediately. Okay, folks.
- Jeanne! - Yes immediately.
- What's wrong now? - What? Nothing.
- I thought you're not a man? - I'm not a man, I ...
That one ... just ... a new look.
You want to come across as a man to faster ...
Oh no. It has nothing to do with it.
I think that's ... smart.
- As long as you do not want to fuck me. - That was the joint.
- interpretive nothing pure. - No matter.
You imitating your father, I see.
- We are no longer in the 50s. - As?
You want to be a man? Pull the stick out of your ass.
You standing there. No.
- The tie does not go. - This has seriously.
- So? - unbutton shirt.
- But I have no hair. - So what?
- There are also hairless men. - Right.
- Yeah, right. - Wait...
- pull 'nen of sweater. - Which?
- With turtleneck, what do I know? - Okay.
No. The outfit is not the problem, you're female.
For real?
Why you stretch out your butt? Are you Beyonc?
Standing to give yourself male. Much better.
Oh Mann...
Your first steps on Mars. How wicked is that?
- We call you Jean. - Jean ...
Jeanne, Jean, almost the same. Sounds male.
We women are always there so shy.
We act quietly and are always afraid of offending.
And we say, "Yes, I like to help."
The men on the other hand ... the men take their time to sit with legs apart.
They run vulgar and shit on everything that happens around them.
How so? They think the world belongs to them.
Look at Adam. That is a man. Pure testosterone.
Thinking "male potent, potent".
Excuse me.
- The tail makes the man, huh? - Or not.
That makes...
- Let's talk about it? - Hm?
- About what? - Let's make a clean sweep.
- What? - There you are charged yet.
But ... charged me nothing. Why?
The seminar, remember? A fiasco. we talk about it?
- Oh, that. - Yes, exactly.
No, no, I assure you ...
- What? - No problem.
I see how you scramble up as if we were competitors.
I do not compete with you, with anyone.
- I'm just competent. - Right.
They are your husband at the office and on site. All over.
You can manage anywhere.
Oh, I am for you just an asshole, I know.
I'm sorry, I was lousy.
That is no reason to exaggerate.
And in view of our little story ...
Obviously I was a zero.
What did I do wrong?
I interrupt you prefer the same.
I can not remember anything. The total blackout.
- I am sorry. I was pathetic. - No no no...
- No track record like you. - track record?
- Merlin ... Now that everything is clear. - Yes?
- You betrayed your tricks in women? - What?
- I mean, how you get them around? - Jeanne ...
- No. - Hm?
I have no tricks.
And I get it either, "rum".
- It's good. - No way, no tricks.
Of course, who believe it, will be saved.
- I do not come over. - Let us...
Please stop with the barbed-nonsense.
Madame, you do not want to get off?
- Jeanne, I have a helmet for you. - Thank you.
What should I do with a 3-meter crane?
I need 15 m. What should I do with three meters?
Hi guys!
If he is not there tomorrow, you will hear from my lawyer.
- Oh ... - Oh, hi.
What is? Again the Stach ...
Hello, Jeanne!
- I'm waiting for 20 minutes. - There they are.
For 20 minutes I hear me on hold!
I need immediately the crane.
All good?
we want ... name terms?
- Taipans, Jeanne! - Bravo!
have continued to research and patience. I've been doing progress.
Maybe I can really fly.
- Are you talking to yourself? - Hm?
No, how come? Pardon, Jean-Paul, I'll call back.
What's happening?
I mutate.
I have just said nothing, but thank you. For real.
Is still normal.
- Nothing to thank for. - You do not know it well, but ...
I also have children. Would be terrible.
All right, Superman. There's' a mother.
Yes, yes, but they live apart. Helmet on.
- What is her mother? - Is complicated.
Helmet on. Has previously not been enough to you?
The boss was right, we make a good team.
- 'n comic team. - Yes, but successful.
Though not in all areas.
You become more beautiful.
Pardon, pardon, forgiveness. Was not meant like that.
I meant just ... We're friends.
All right, we are friends, real friends.
- Well, friends. - friends.
I think about circumcision.
Do not look so I do not have to pay attention.
I can feed what I want. I suppose to a single gram.
Uh-oh, I miss the kids, it's a nightmare.
Fortunately, I've Jean, when I'm sad.
At night, I roam alone about, do not be afraid, shut your eyes open.
- I breathe through. - For this you need no tail.
Fortunately, there's Merlin.
- That's really nice. - The asshole?
You're too strict.
- How's your friend? - That's my lover.
Cute, you flennst in "Bridget Jones"
But the man whom you see every day, for 10 minutes, is just your lover?
It is my firm sex relationship. I cry because Bridget is so stupid.
Wait, I'll help you.
What are you doing?
- Still a? - Gladly.
Na gut.
- Something else? - No thanks.
- Do not mention it, Mademoiselle. - Thank you very much.
She smiled at me.
I'm on it's.
Hey, at least apologize! So a full post.
- asshole. - What shoud that?
I can defend myself.
Women can carry water kids, shopping and school bags.
- Does testosterone amnesia? - Are you crazy?
's nice to help others. Do not be absurd.
I'm silly? Because I did not have a tail?
- Sch. - Oh let.
What is wrong with you? It's me, your friend.
- Not just any man. - Look at yourself times.
Soon you will see itself as such an asshole.
Sorry, I forgot that all men are assholes.
You have a guy away a child from whom he should never know.
That does not itch you, because men are shit.
But you have a son, right? What a bummer well.
but he did not explain to him once that all men are shit.
You are not a man. You are much worse.
Even worse than your ex! Voil? satisfied?
And believe me, that was a huge asshole!
- Madame ... - Do not touch me! Out of the way!
I'm sorry, that hurts a lot.
I know, monsieur.
I'm sorry.
They wanted to call me.
I had suggested to consult a specialist.
Merry Christmas, you and Pinpin. Goodbye.
Do not come without registration. Let me!
I love you.
- I've had enough of this crap! - Then cut it but off!
Merry Christmas, asshole!
My mother in law shot down the bird.
They stuck to 'nen Bart and did when she came down the chimney.
Jeanne. Happy Holiday.
- The kids are freaked out. - Class.
- You have raged for joy. - Clear.
- unstoppable goods. - Great.
- How was your Christmas Eve? - I was alone, like an idiot.
- Honestly? - My wife is gone.
I see my children every second weekend and Christmas.
- What only? - Why no joint custody?
I applied for it, but it was rejected.
My apartment is too small because I pay the my wife.
Why do you both pay?
I left her apartment and pay.
Is your ex-wife handicapped?
We men do not get right to the children.
If there is a man requires so. Believe me.
If he has money.
We can not afford any great attorneys.
When love is over, keeping it out or goes.
And who is going to dispense with the children.
I know what I'm talking about.
No wonder that men simulate.
- Pardon. - No problem.
- I'm sorry. - No problem.
Since when simulate men?
Since women are in power, boss.
Where is Merlin? Us it can work on the 25th, and he is not there?
- Did you see him? - No, boss!
- Where are you then? - Excuse me.
- Is what? Everyone is waiting for you. - No.
- I just ... I've stress. - What is?
- How so? - The babysitter is sick.
- What should I do? - Yes Dad.
Yes, daddy's here.
Take it easy, honey. Do not pull on the hair.
Papa brings you back, he has to work. Be good.
Behave, remains in the room.
Not so loud, plays quietly.
- Merlin? - Be nice. What?
I stay with them, we take turns.
Joint custody, okay? Children, this is Jeanne.
- Jeanne, my children. - Hello.
I'll stay with you, while Dad has his appointment.
Now you save me again life.
- Father? - Because a picnic is inside. What?
Who's the boss, you or them?
Boss is always Dad, but she also.
See you later. Do not fret, Jeanne you.
Which is great. See you later ... Oh, not better.
- Be nice, are you listening? - Where does it come from?
- Did your father do that? - Yeah, right.
What is in the bag?
- He forgot the brownies. - Bad?
- That we have baked today. - Pity.
- Papa baked with you? - Clear.
Merlin... Woah.
What do I do now?
- How are you? - Hi, Jeanne.
I wanted to invite you to a glass to thank you.
Yes? Uh ...
- And who guards tonight the children? - Her mother.
Oh, I see, so if the mom is here today, then ...
- Then I'm like. - Well I am waiting.
Okay I...
Damn it.
- Health. - Hi, health.
- Currently, you're crazy. - And you blue.
- Uh ... Yes? - Tell me ... Hm?
Um ... you?
Why do not you live with his wife and children?
- We're just separated. - But...
Oh ... That ...
- I did not know that. - you do not Could.
- And you? Do you have anyone? - Uh ...
Is currently 'a funny phase. No men.
If you say "no men", it means that you're bi?
- Oh no, definitely not. - You are totally ...
In any case, I'm straight total.
- Definitely? - A Straight.
- Thoroughly. - Thoroughly?
Oh, there go some. Two stools are free.
- Is not easy to approach women. - The you?
but you always say "my beautiful" and "treasure".
Do you know who I last ...
- No, how come? - That was you.
Oh, wait. No.
- Oh, no, sorry. I'm sorry. - No.
I am sorry. But I have at the moment a bad ...
How should I say? Skin irritation.
An annoying and repetitive ... cat allergy.
I have to go, but it was a really great evening.
But now ... Phew ... Will it ...
Oh no. Oh crap. Damn it.
I'm coming!
I'll get away!
Mama come on.
Mama ... Why are you crying?
- Santa Claus was right there. - Hooray!
Oh yes...
Take care.
- Everyone okay? - Oh yes, everyone's super.
- I'm not doing good. See you. - He never sleeps.
- No? - No way.
My girlfriend has currently postnatal depression.
She went to her mother to be, you know, relax.
And I'm alone ...
Papa has no milk.
you take it? I can not anymore!
The first three months are the worst.
Then it's heavenly. Bye.
I was never there for Paul and Lou. Never!
You were all alone. Forgive me.
We all do what we can.
- Please help me. Do you understand me? - Yes / Yes.
What could be in there?
Why do you watschelst like a penguin?
Penguins are fond of. I do it for pleasure.
now see what's inside.
I gave birth to two children.
Where does it end, Pinpin?
Okay, fine.
We're going to eat. As friends.
And you give rest.
maybe you sure you want oysters?
Since we now have friends ...
can you say, what about your wife to me, yes.
- What happened? - Well ...
In the office, no one knows, so this is us under.
Your secrets are safe with me.
I've known some other intimate details.
She ran away.
When she learned that her father loves men, they went crazy.
Until then, everything went well between us, but then ...
she woke up in the morning crying on and was gone.
She had disappeared nearly seven months. It was hard.
Especially for the little one, she was two.
- And how old is she now? - Now she's four.
Her mother visited from time to time.
She goes with them to the movies, like last night.
So my need explained to drink.
I do not understand the past two years ...
do you do at work as if you were still married?
Is that stupid?
Do you know how to call a man who rears four children?
Mami. What do you think?
I would like a woman who earns more than I do.
I would stay home with the children.
That would be great. Really.
Then stand to it, Merlin.
The women come to terms with it. Why do not we? I mean, you.
- What? - What? What do you think?
Funny, your slip of the tongue.
But, very funny.
Somehow you're a funny guy.
But you're a woman. The always get along.
Do not be afraid.
The men have more muscle, but not all.
but that does not make them stronger.
You know that.
It's snowing. Look. Oh no.
- Jeanne. - Hm?
You do not remember, but ... The one time meant to me something.
- Ah, and? - And.
And what you told me for things that was beautiful.
- And? - And.
- you really do not remember? - No, I...
It's ... I want ...
Oh no.
I was wondering ...
You ... You do not have to respond.
I asked myself the question,
if you have what had once with a man?
- Season yet, you're bisexual. - No, no, no way.
- But you know? - That's what worries you.
Listen, what can I say?
No matter how you respond, I'm straight total.
Straight ... from scratch.
No no.
No no. So no, Merlin.
Stop it.
We are friends. Kiss Friends is about?
to friends kiss on the mouth? Think of the consequences.
What would the colleague in the office over us?
You pull already four children alone.
You act like you're married. I'm a ... I'm a ...
We're friends, right?
Do you understand?
Just friends, man.
Listen here, please!
I want to toast with you
on the completion of France's first school,
the only renewable energy uses.
My special thanks go to my wonderful staff Jeanne ...
and Merlin.
Thank you both, thank you.
I wanted to tell you, you look great.
- Where's Joe? - She quit.
- How so? - Ausgewandert on a mystical trip.
Or aromatherapy or meditation ...
- Chief, we come to? - With pleasure.
- Thank you for everything. - Likewise.
I did everything alone.
And I the salad. I'm ...
- May I ask you something? - Yeah, right.
We hold women's mouth, you did something about it.
And we say something, it does not fit you.
How a woman should best behave?
Does anyone have an answer?
I knew you have no office mouse. They were perfect.
More than perfect. As a woman you's always difficult.
The helmet is the best to you and ...
Jeanne, Jeanne ... Jeanne warte.
- What is? - Can we talk?
No, I must be gone to, to ...
Jeanne. Nein, Jeanne. Jeanne.
- Stay where you are. What do you do? - Nothing.
- You're running away again. All the time. - I do not do.
Damn, stay standing.
Tell me that. I'll go crazy.
I do not understand anything anymore. Damn, I stand naked before you.
I should run away, but I can not.
I feel with you, it is something special.
I've never felt.
Jeanne, tell me what's going on. I beg you.
I'll take you with your men underpants and tantrums.
I'll take you just the way you are.
Although a voice tells me: "Leave it, cut it off."
But I can not, I just can not.
I can not. And you know what's the funniest?
You're the one who will cut off again.
Mrs. Clair?
I go to the colleagues, but then to Bangkok!
- How dare you? - I want to be like before.
- Take me to Bangkok. - Your case is special.
- That could take years. - What?
This is no worse than 'n piercing.
- Chill out! - A cut and ready! Here...
- Sun - Lie down the! Stop!
Let the scissors go!
Madame Lemarchand has fainted.
- Jeanne. - What will become of me?
- I am a circus attraction. - No, not really.
Unless in a very famous circus, but ...
- Hello. - Hello.
- Want 'n handkerchief? - Why not.
- Thank you. - Nothing to thank for.
- Why are you crying? - I do not cry.
- Okay. - If only 'n heavy cold.
A strong head cold ...
no more calls since the ass Adam.
He's just gone.
- He does not annoy you at least. - No.
Call him and tell him that he is missing you.
Never in my life. I gave him 'a text message written.
- He did not answer. - Tell him you miss him.
It's easy.
Tom is looking forward not only would you be.
we get along?
Stop crying.
Except Pinpin you just a big heart.
I am not normal.
- You know who that is? - No.
Who is this?
- Jeanne Claire? - She is here.
You must answer it when I call.
I'm too old to worry.
- She's in love. - In love? That's great.
- I agree. - Man or woman?
A man, of course. So Doctor, really.
I'm sorry. But, of course, is not.
Talk to her, will you?
- he really love her, it does not matter. - Why, surely.
- Naturally. Needless to say -. You see?
- Although, if I ... - So?
If I were him, I would not ...
Do not say that. Are you nuts?
Moderate your tone, young woman.
I say this because it is not out of the woods.
Na, na, na, Jeanne.
Jeanne, you're a guy ... no, a woman,
which is very special.
This is like "Pretty Woman", with an extra tail.
They now? Where they had just calmed down.
- Say no "tail". Embarrassing. - All right.
Imagine times the possibilities for two.
But I do not want to.
I just want to live like a woman.
- I am a real woman. - A real woman.
So, this man is he doing nice?
Oh, and.
- Fine. Chill out. - He's so wonderful.
- I'm so fancy him. - Nice.
- I have never desired anyone like that. - Is still fantastic.
- Is that love? - But now times well.
Excuse me, but do not you have any balls?
- He's not wrong. - You can risk surely.
What are you waiting for? You have nothing to lose. Come on.
- I agree. - Come on.
Yes, give you a jerk.
I love you. But...
But? What, Jeanne?
What's happening? You ... You ... are a bigamist?
maybe you're ... my sister?
No, Merlin.
Jeanne, no, no, no.
Jeanne, all right?
There is nothing.
It is only...
I love thunderstorms!
This is so cool!
You are so pretty. Beautiful, my love.
For a moment I thought, it's up to me you always ...
- You said "but". - There is no ... But more.
Ah, too late.
You shoot with arrows on the TV. That will not do.
- bottle is ready. - Your Little grows 2 cm per minute.
- That was on purpose. - I'm sorry.
- Can I pass? - Excuse me.
- May I? - Where to go?
- No matter, the main thing through. - Just go.
- Ha. - Hey.
What do the empty yogurt cups here? Kick them off yet.
- Should we have a child? - No, that's enough me.
- Right now. - Immediately?
I'll go back.
Children, the cake is waiting for you!
Not all at once.
And since you want more children?
- In a number. - Impossible.
Who wants cake?
Oh, Joe.
Say "good day, Dad."