If I Were You (2012) Movie Script
Hey. I'm on my way home. I just have
to stop off and pick up some groceries
Give me a call if you hear back.
I can pick up the dry cleaning.
Hey Paul, I was just calling you.
No, no, I had a client meeting outside
so I'm out of the office. I'm at...
What?
Again?
No. No, no.
It's okay.
You're the one who's gonna have
the horrible evening.
God, that audit is
going on forever.
Ah. No, I won't wait up for you.
I'll probably just fall asleep
in front of the TV.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Hi. Table for one?
- Oh, no, I just want to take out.
Do you still have that chocolate cake
with the crushed almonds. - Yes.
My husband used to love that. If I could
get a takeout for two, that'd be great.
I'll check if we have any left.
I'm so sorry.
We just sold our last... slice.
Hello? - Sorry, I don't know what
came over me, but, I just forgot
what time you said you
would be home. - Late.
Oh... late.
Yeah... right. Okey.
Well, let me let you get
back to your audit.
Okey.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Paul!
Paul, wait!
Paul! Wait! You' re not serious?!
- Stop it, Lucy.
Paul, you can't go!
- Stop it!
Lady, are you buying something?
- Y-yes. Sure, sure. - What?
A newspaper.
Hi.
Huh?
What?
A rope.
- Hey, what is she saying?
What would you like?
I want...
- Hey, what is she saying?
What would you like?
- I want a rope.
I want a rope!
Rope.
- Rope?
Okeydokey.
One rope is coming up.
Is it a good length?
- Yeah.
I'll take this too.
Oh, no, no. Listen, this is not for sale.
I'm saving it for tonight...
- How much do you want?
Just take it.
Who cares?
She gave you over $200.
Why she would do that?
What can I say?
People like me. - What on earth
would she want a rope for?
Are you gonna pay for that?
Excu... are you all right?
What difference does it make?!
Yeah?! - I... we just met in the
hallway just now, and, I think
I saw you earlier in the store
and I just want to make
sure that you're all right.
I'm fine.
But you, you don't seem fine.
- I'm fine! - Sorry.
Okey.
Listen. This is gonna sound really
strange, but how do I know that
you're not standing on a chair
with a noose around your neck?
I really, really, really don't
want to get involved, but...
Oh, good god.
Okay.
It's... it's all right.
Nothing is ever gonna
be all right again.
Ever.
Oh, no. Stop that... young lady,
stop! Stop drinking. Give me that.
I'll get you some water.
Alcohol is a depressant.
It's the last thing in the world
you need right now.
Y-you're, like, the nicest
person I've ever met.
Why would you do this for a
complete stranger?
Oh, well, enough about me.
Okay.
What happened to make you so... sad?
I can't... I can't talk about it.
- Well, sometimes it's good to talk.
No, really open up, spill
out all the gory details.
I'm itching to.
- I'm absolutely sure.
There's this man.
I love him...
and I thought we were
gonna get married,
have children, a life together, but..
But... - If I tell you this, you're
not gonna like me anymore.
Well, I'm sure I'll like you just as
much as I... like you right now.
Are you married?
- Yes.
But I'm a big girl.
- He's married, too.
Small world.
- But he doesn't love his wife.
Paul and her got married when
they were practically children,
and it hasn't meant anything in years,
so I thought he was gonna leave her.
But tonight she kept
phoning and phoning and
he thought she sounded suspicious.
So he said he had to go home
before she checked up on his alibi,
and I said, "Well, why
not tell her the truth?" Right?
Isn't it meaner to let her
think she's paranoid
and then in a month say, "Guess what,
I love someone else", right?
I mean, a clean break
hurts less, right?
W-what do you think?
Well, what I think has
no... relevance.
But you must have an opinion.
- What did he say?
He said I can't understand
what it's like to be married.
And whose fault is that?
How could he go home to her?
We should be making love on this couch
like all those other, wonderful times
and he...
Do you think this means he
doesn't really love me?
Well... he said that his marriage to...
I don't know her name.
He calls her "the wife."
Ah. The wife. - He doesn't like talking
about her. It makes him uncomfortable.
I'm sure it would.
But, he did say they haven't
had sex in two years.
What kind of a woman
must she be, right?
I can't go two days without sex.
Who can?
I mean, II've been
multiorgasmic since I was 8.
How nice for you.
Are you sure that he's telling
you the truth? I mean, I know marriage.
I know marriage
and I'm sure that
they still have sex
sometimes.
Well, that's...
You think he...
He's been lying to me?
If he's just been using me,
I don't think I could take it.
I-I'm just gonna take it in...
Hello?!
No, no, I'm not at home.
Well, when you said that you
were gonna work late,
I decided to, to go visit my mom.
Join me? No. No,
that's not a good idea.
Oh, when will I be home?
So many questions.
Well... it'll be a while.
Yeah, I'll be right there, mom.
I got to go. Bye.
Okay.
So, you were just
getting ready to tell... oh, no!
Just let me die, please.
Young lady, listen.
Listen, listen, listen, please.
Suicide is an impulse act.
If you'd just wait a little while,
I'm sure you'll change your mind.
That's right, I should do it
really fast, okay?
Just, can I ask you a favor?
If I just get brain damage
do you promise to hold
a pillow over my face? - Oh, my God!
I feel dizzy.
What's wrong?
I haven't eaten yet.
- I'm so sorry.
Do you want some grapes?
Oh, my God.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's Paul. What do I do? - What?
Oh, you're asking me? - You're so wise...
Don't answer it.
- Hi. I'm sorry.
He wants to come over.
- I guess his wife isn't home after all.
What about your wife?
Yeah.
He says he doesn't
care what she thinks.
Well, then why doesn't he
just ask her for a divorce
instead of coming over here...
for...
You're so right.
Paul, I refuse
to see you again until you ask
your wife for a divorce.
That was smart, right?
Yeah. I hope so.
I've always been attracted
to older men.
I slept with my english
teacher when I was in Madrid.
And when I came here as an
au pair, the dads...
Well, the au pair thing
didn't work out.
But, just between you and I,
I'm not as young as I seem.
Oh, no. You couldn't be.
When Paul and I get married,
I don't want one of
those dead marriages, you know
where those couples have
nothing to talk about.
but what chores to do,
what TV show to watch.
I'm gonna have sex three
times a day until we die.
Jesus, three times a day.
How would you even find the time?
What do you do?
- I don't know.
How can you not
know what you do?
Well, really, I'm an actress.
But I haven't had a part in a
while, so I do temp work in offices.
That's how I met Paul.
I was taking some papers into his office.
The door was closed, so I
thought they'd gone out for lunch.
You know, I just opened the door,
and he was just there at his
desk, his head in his hands, crying.
He was crying?
Yeah, he was crying.
He told me later that he felt
like his life meant nothing,
like he might as well
be dead already.
Well, we all feel like that sometimes.
I mean, even I feel like that sometimes.
But do I screw the office temp? No. I-I...
I wake up every morning and I do the
laundry and I cook and I go to work
and I visit my mother, who doesn't
even remember who I am.
Okay, sometimes I... watch TV.
I talk about what groceries
I'm gonna buy.
But you're nothing,
nothing like Paul's wife.
You're so different.
You're so kind.
Your husband must love you so much.
No.
He doesn't.
Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Does he have affairs?
Yes. At least one.
Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Is it still going on?
- Yes.
Oh, shit.
Well, what are you gonna do?
You mean am I gonna go
buy a bottle of scotch
and drink it straight
from the bottle? No.
Am I gonna put a noose
around my neck? No.
Pills, I can get pills.
Women can always get pills.
And who cares if one day you just happen to
take too many? Not your husband. No, no.
Then he can live happily ever
after with a bouncing bimbo.
No. I can't die.
I need to stay alive so that I
can destroy his future happiness.
I actually have a reason to live.
For a minute there, I thought I didn't.
Oh, my God.
You're not who you've been
pretending to be tonight.
What?!
I recognize you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- I-I'm sorry.
I thought you were one of those
people that are, you know
happy with a nothing life, a
boring marriage, an office job.
But you're not. You're like me,
and you're so much like me!
I am nothing like you.
We are exact opposites.
Give us any situation, situation "x",
and you would choose to do "b,"
while I would do "a."
And even when I was your age, I
would not have slept with a
sobbing businessman.
I would not ever be an actress.
I would never be a poet or an astrologer.
Actress and astrologer are not equivalent.
- Well, they're close enough.
It's true, there was a moment there
where I was a foot reflexologist.
But that's scientifically
proven, so it's...
My point is, that I would do
everything differently if I were you
and you would do everything
differently if you were me, too.
Although it's hard to imagine
that our lives could be
any worse than
they are right now.
So how much worse would our lives
be if I would do what you would do
and you would do
what I would do?
That's such a brilliant idea!
- What idea? I haven't had an idea.
No, but you're right.
We've been feeling and thinking
and deciding for ourselves,
and our lives are a mess.
We should try the opposite!
- Decide one thing and then do the other?
I mean like, like I get to
think what you should do, and
you get to think what I should do,
like when you told me to
stop drinking and not kill myself.
I would be drunk and dead
if I'd made up my own mind instead of
letting you make up my mind for me.
Maybe that just means that...
I make better decisions than you do.
No offense, Madelyn, but
your life sounds crappier than mine.
My life sounds crappier than yours?
I'm not the one married to a
man who's cheating on me.
Look at it this way, we're
both self-destructive people or
we wouldn't be involved with men
that treat us like shit.
But we would not be
self-destructive if we were
making decisions for someone
else, 'cause I don't want to destroy
your life and you don't
want to destroy my life.
No, of course not.
So, the way to fix our lives is to
stop making our own decisions
and let the other one
make them instead.
Not on little things, like
"what color lipstick should I wear?"
I'd go pinker if I were you,
but on, on, on the big stuff, you know?
We call each other before we
decide anything major.
You would really do
anything I said?
Thank you so much.
I didn't realize I didn't have any money.
No, no, it's okay. I got it.
So, should you stay with your
husband or should you leave him?
I should...
- I get to decide. I'm the objective one.
Subjective.
I always get those two mixed up.
- Obje... objective.
Objective.
Okay. Think.
Okay, if he loves her, you
should kick him out.
If he loves her, you're gonna
get dumped soon anyway.
But maybe... maybe
he doesn't love her.
Maybe she's just some bimbo. You know,
how long have you been married?
A long time. - And would you throw all
those years away over some silly fling?
Yes. - No. - No.
- No. You're such a nice person.
If he still loves you, you'll
find a way to make things work.
And if not, once the bimbo is out
of the picture, you dump the creep.
So, first step...
You have to find out who he
loves - you or his girlfriend.
Okay? So you go home and ask
your husband, what's his name?
Fred. - Fred. You say,
"Fred, do you still love me?"
And then call and tell me what
he said and I'll tell you what to do next.
Okay. - Okay.
- I feel a little bit like
Alice in wonderland.
Oh, my god! I spent half
my life feeling like that girl.
Isn't that incredible?
- Yes.
Wow! We're so much alike.
- No, we're nothing alike.
There you go.
That's your mission.
And when I hear from Paul,
you'll get to tell me what to do.
Okay. I go this way.
I have to take the subway.
You don't live in my building?
No.
I... I saw you buying the rope,
and I-I followed you home.
Oh, my God.
You really are the kindest
person I've ever met.
Hug?
I'm gonna work so hard
to make you happy.
Bye!
- Okay. Bye-bye.
Good night.
Don't... Call me.
What are you looking at?!
Hi, mom.
Henry?
No. It's me.
I got you something.
Do you want it?
I got you some ice cream.
Here you go.
Now...
It's your favorite.
Thank you, Henry.
Hey. I'm in here.
You've been working
late a lot of evenings.
Yeah. Work's been rough.
Are you...
Are...
Do you still love me?
Of course I love you.
God, visits to your mother
always get you down.
Uh, where's my sweatshirt?
On the chair.
I'm just gonna go catch the
end of the game.
Okey, I've asked him.
- And what did he say?
He said he loved me, but I don't know
that I believed him. And frankly,
I don't know that I care.
So, now let's talk about what I
want you to say to your married man.
I've got it! You have to tell your husband
you're in love with someone else.
Why on earth would I do that?
- To see if he gets jealous.
If he doesn't love you anymore,
it won't be that big a deal,
other than the male ego - you
know, "is my penis bigger than his?"
If penis size comes up, just
tell him they're both the same.
That takes the whole penis
issue off the table.
But if he gets really angry and
the penis thing if off the table,
that means he loves you.
Then call me, but not till after
midnight so I can tell you what
Paul said about the ultimatum.
Wait. Uh, u-under this,
the rules of this pact thingy,
you're not allowed to call him
until I give my permission.
Well, I'm not calling him.
Every night, when his wife
is brushing her teeth,
he calls me
to say he loves me.
You didn't brush your teeth.
- I don't feel like brush my teeth.
You always brush your teeth.
- Well, not tonight.
But you never miss.
You use your electric toothbrush.
You said your dad had gum disease.
You want to be safe. - Good night.
It's three o'clock.
- Oh, my god! The nursing home... my mother!
Hello?
- He didn't call me.
I'll be right back.
- Is it the nursing home?
No.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
- He didn't call.
And you were supposed to call me
after you told your husband you
were having an affair.
Well, I haven't told him yet.
- Why not? - Because I got sleepy.
How can you sleep
when you don't know if
you're gonna be married tomorrow or not?
Well, maybe now it won't be so easy.
- Why do you think he didn't call?
Maybe his wife forgot.
to brush her teeth.
Oh, no, no, no.
She always brushes her teeth.
She's got, like, this obsessive
thing about her gums.
Paul thinks it's stupid, but
he's afraid to tell her
'cause he thinks she will make him
listen to more gross stories
about her dad's teeth falling out.
No wonder he doesn't
love her anymore, right?
Who would want to live with
someone like that?
Hello?
Hello?
Madelyn?
Who was that?
Who was it?
- That was a man, a man I am seeing,
a man who's so crazy about me,
he calls me in the middle of the night.
A man who loves every
single thing about me!
Hej!
Hey, I made breakfast...
Your favorites - french toast,
coffee, orange juice.
I think I'll just go straight to the office.
- Oh. Okay.
I'll see you tonight, then,
right?
Hey, we should, go for dinner.
We haven't done that in a while.
Just tell me who he is!
French toast.
Oh, my god!
Oh, you're his first choice.
I'm so happy for you.
I really hope this plan works
out for me, too.
I wanted to be his only choice.
Oh, yeah. Well, I want to be the only
choice, too, but, you know,
maybe that doesn't happen -
the whole soul-mate thing.
I don't need a soul mate.
But if there's going to be a second,
at least let it be a distant second,
You know, "distant enough that
you don't have sex with" second.
Okay.
Maybe a... drunken kiss at the
christmas party. But that's my limit.
And now I'm supposed to
stay married to a man
who has a really close second and has
suddenly decided that he wants me
because he's jealous of
an imaginary somebody.
It's a fake fuck!
It just seems like a really puny life.
Well, maybe he was lonely or
busy with work, and she was
right there saying, "hey, big boy.
You look like you need a hug."
We're all human.
But to risk... everything...
for a...
- A slut.
It's hard. I know.
You know, when we retire...
were going to move to Asia...
For a little bit, for a year.
Do you know where that is, Asia?
We've been saving
and saving for it.
We even talked about moving to
the south of France.
Do you know that if you live, more
than commuting distance to Paris
it doesn't cost any
more than living here?
But you're way too young to
think about retirement.
Retirement is what people
like us look forward to.
Retirement is, you know, when you finally
get to do what makes you happy.
Our goal is to retire as soon as
humanly possible.
And now I won't even be able to
have my home.
I will grow old alone.
You live your life according to
certain ideas and expectations.
And then suddenly...
It's gone.
But why not forgive him?
He was willing to
forgive your affair.
You'd be even.
- I didn't have an affair.
Well, yeah, but that's
so easy to fix.
It's not like it's hard to find
a man who wants to fuck.
I don't want to fuck another man.
- But it would fix everything.
And sometimes, you have to
think outside the box.
Oh, I-I've got to get to work.
But w-we haven't
talked about me yet.
Paul hasn't called.
Should I call him?
No. Definitely do not call him.
I was afraid you'd say that.
I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum.
You know what? Being a second
choice is not that bad
and gradually you can work
your way up closer and closer
to the first choice until
maybe, one day, you get to be her.
What if he's dead? That's the worst
thing of being the other woman.
We never know when they're dead.
Who's gonna send us an
invitation to the funeral?
Oh, my god.
Do you think he's dead?
Men who don't call are never dead.
- Okay.
And you have to
get on with your life.
You can't keep waiting
for him to call.
He is my life.
What about your career?
Well, that's a big word,
for a tv commercial and a walk-on
in a fringe festival play.
Oh, my God. Career.
I'm so late!
Okay, but what
do I do today?
I want you to...
think... right?
Think. About...
How to make your career something
that is more than just imaginary.
Okay, I can do, okay.
And what else?
I'll call you. - When?
- Soon. - Soon? Okey!
Hi.
- They're all waiting.
Shit. This... this put in my office.
- Yes.
Here she is.
- We had to start without you.
You know I hate talking
to these people.
Hi, hi, hi.
I'm Madelyn Reed.
I'm here at Jameson research,
we conduct research on...
everything from the,
latest economic trends to
marketing strategies to...
and this is where you come in,
individual purchasing decisions.
Okay.
So...
My colleague Keith here...
- Hi. - Hi.
Is going to show you some...
covers for the latest cookbook.
"Smart heart meals
for the happy family."
Okay, let's start off with some
general questions.
Maggie, is this the kind of
cookbook you would buy?
Yes. I would definitely buy it.
I love their kitchen.
Their kitchen... good.
Kit-chen.
How about you, Tyler?
I think it could be a good
birthday present for my mom.
My dad's had heart problems.
What about you, Sam?
I don't like the wife.
What do you think of the wife, Sarah?
- I love her earrings.
Earrings.
- I just don't think she's very hot.
Well, she's making lunch for her husband,
so how hot would she be?
Another opinion. Carla.
- She's smiling, but I don't think
she looks happy.
Well, again, making lunch for
the husband, okay?
So what do we think
about the husband?
He's kind of cute.
- Yeah.
Cute. Well, it's easy to be cute when you're
the one being waited on hand and foot.
But, what does she have to do to
get him to make lunch for her, huh?
Sleep with the mailman?
Madelyn?
- Can we get another opinion? Lindy.
I like his smile.
Really?
Well, I think that he looks
just a little bit smug.
See here in the second one?
Right there?
I don't know...
- No. Look, look, look.
Do you really think that he
appreciates her?
Here she's gone to all the
trouble to make him this really
lifesaving meal, and he's probably
sitting there like Sam over here, thinking
"Oh, wait. She's not hot anymore.
And if I'm gonna stay alive,
what I need to do is shtup that bimbo."
What bimbo?
- I don't see a bimbo.
There's always a bimbo.
And even if you get over the first bimbo,
there's gonna be another bimbo,
because, you know, it's not
like people fall for the bimbo
because of the uniqueness
of the bimbo.
But that doesn't mean that the
bimbo will last forever, because
the illusion of immortality is not
the same as immortality itself!
Okay? Mr. Smug face over there can
fuck all the bimbos he can get,
and at the end of the day, he
will still end up alone.
If you think
that once the bimbos go to
wherever it is that bimbos go,
that you can crawl
back to that wonderful,
wonderful wife who has made you
all those beautiful lunches,
then, you've got another thing
coming, you bastard!
Madelyn, are you... all right?
Why don't you go to my office?
- Excuse me.
I'm just gonna go get something
I left in my coat pocket.
I'm very sorry.
Madelyn?
- I know how to open the door!
This is most unexpected,
but don't move.
We'll be serving coffee.
Bimbo.
Just a minute.
What's wrong?
- Nothing. I just... I got thirsty.
You're our most reliable employee.
- Don't call me reliable!
Reliable is good!
I used to think so, but I'm
not so sure anymore.
Okay, I know I shouldn't drink,
but life feels so painful drunk
that I don't want to know what
it feels like sober.
These just came for you.
Aren't you lucky?
Pretty secretary.
They're always so pretty.
Ah. "To the love of my life. Paul."
- Is it your anniversary?
Nope.
Oh, my god. He was unfaithful
with some bimbo.
Yes.
Oh, my god. Yes.
I'm being traded in
like an old car.
Oh, it is so good to finally have
someone sane to talk about this with.
This is the best
day of my life.
Surely not.
I've known that these
are bad times, Keith, but
I've never thought of you
as a cruel man.
I have something to confess.
Well, can it wait for an even
more wonderful day?
Oh, shit. My phone's ringing.
This is not soon!
Was that Paul?
- No.
It's just someone that I made
a really strange contract with.
It's complicated.
It's really complicated.
Oh, Madelyn.
I've wanted to say this
since the first day
you walked into the
office, looking for a job.
The moment I saw you
all decked out
in your gray suit and
black pumps, I knew it!
I love you.
You love me?
- With all my heart and soul.
You love me?
Well, I mean, I've always known
that, you like chatting with me,
but I never knew that
you loved me.
There's so many things about my
life I don't know.
What else don't I know?
Maybe I have secret superpowers.
Let's seize the moment!
What... what moment exactly?
They go by so quickly.
Oh, Madelyn, just say the word.
- What word would that be?
Say yes!
- But to what, exactly?
To me.
But...
- No, no, no. No buts.
But, but, but...
You're married!
Madelyn, one word from you
and Lydia's gone, history.
Oh, look. My bottle's empty.
I'm just gonna take a...
A mental-health day.
You know, seldom more deserved,
but under the circumstances, a
highly unachievable goal. - You...
You will at least think
about it, will you?
Honestly, I'll do my very
best not to think about it,
but I'll p-probably fail.
So this is the best
that I can do.
Yes!
If this man you're seeing...
Paul.
I love to say his name.
Paul.
- Yes, if this Paul...
and his wife decided that
starting a whole new life
with whole new people
was just too exhausting,
what would you do?
- I'd kill myself.
But wouldn't you think,
"Wow! A whole new start"?
No, I'd kill myself.
- Okay.
How did that thinking
on your career go?
Well, I looked at the list
for this week's auditions,
even for parts that don't pay,
and there's nothing.
Okay.
Well, let me look at it.
Here.
You're so nice.
I thought you'd forgotten
all about my problems, and you've
been thinking so much about me.
Thank you.
Let me see here.
Get out the old...
Okay. You don't need these.
Okay.
Aha.
Gang member...
Carjacker, hit man, hooker...
Aha! Shakespeare.
Ha! What could be better?
A TV commercial?
- Ah, but a play!
It's long!
And commercials you don't
have to learn so many lines,
and I can use my speciality.
Your speciality?
Want to see?
- Oh, yeah.
See, I turn away and then look
back and give a little smile.
It used to have a wink in it, too,
but this director told me
it was too much.
Just tell me which one
you prefer. I'll show you.
No wink.
Wink.
But you can do
more than that.
Not that much, no.
I flunked dance classes, and...
You flunked dance classes.
Okay. Okay.
Well, you just have to
keep trying.
We can all do more.
No, that's what we do.
We work hard,
we get better, then we analyze our
mistakes, we work hard again,
and we get even better.
That's life!
And then somebody pulls
the rug out from under us
and we wish we were dead,
but let's not think about that.
Okey.
The relevant point is that if
you were in a play right now,
you would not be pining over...
- Paul?
Oh, look.
Auditions at 7:00 tonight.
Maybe you'll be discovered.
Maybe you'll
move to California.
They'll laugh at me.
- You're just nervous.
I hate auditions.
Just sitting there all alone,
waiting for someone to call your name
and then they just say,
"Stop! Stop!"
And what if Paul comes
and I'm not home?
You have to do what I say.
Remember, I did what you said.
I asked my husband if he loved me
and then I told him I was
sleeping with an imaginary man.
Going to an audition is a lot
less than that.
I'll go if you come with me.
- Nope. That is not part of...
Wait a minute.
That is actually a great idea,
because if I go and
I see that they
do laugh at you...
- Yeah.
We can start looking at
alternate career options.
Because you do not need to
spend the rest of your life
waiting for a man to call.
Oh, excuse me.
Is that Fred?
- No. Keith.
He's a co-worker who just told
me that he's in love with me.
Oh, my God.
See? I told you.
It's so easy to find
someone to fuck,
and he loves you,
so it's great!
You just fuck this, Keith,
and then you and your
husband will be even for real.
You can't
make me fuck him!
That's just too much of a pact.
Oh, please don't be sad.
We'll find someone for you to
fuck that you like.
Maybe we'll meet someone
special at the audition.
down from the waist,
they are centaurs,
though woman all above.
Don't even think about it.
but to the girdle
do the gods inherit,
beneath all are fiends
there's hell, there's
sulfurous, there's the pit
burning, scalding,
stench, consumption!
Fie! Fie!
Phones off!
Just pick it up anywhere.
Anywhere at all.
Keith, can't talk.
say 'aye' and 'no' to every...
Why do we need a breakfast meeting?
We can cover that campaign at the office.
No, we don't need
alone time, Keith.
when the rain came...
Could we have silence, please?
- Sorry.
Goodbye. Don't call back.
the wind to make me chatter...
and the thunder would not
peace at my bidding.
there...
I'm just gonna put it on vibrate, okay?
- Yeah.
there, I smelt them out.
Next!
What shall Cordelia do?
Love and be silent. Oop!
Then poor Cordelia!
And yet not so, since I am sure
that my love is more richer
than my mouth.
Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing, my lord.
nothing shall come of
nothing, speak again!
They are so much
better than me.
unhappy that I am,
I cannot heave my heart...
You can't be as bad as that.
You really think so?
Sure.
Some people are born
with more talent, but
it's not rocket science.
It's just pretending.
You're pretty.
And you're...
Pretty.
Any no-talent idiot that works hard
is bound to be better than that.
Wow!
If my family had given me that
kind of encouragement,
my whole life
would be different.
those duties back as I as
are fit, obey you, love you...
I'd be the one sleeping next
to Brad Pitt right now.
why have my sisters husbands,
if they say they love you all?
happily, when I shall wed...
That lord whose hand...
What? Keith, what?
What? No. No.
It's not great news that my husband
is in love with another woman.
No, I don't think that's how
God answers prayers.
I must have silence!
I'm sorry.
So young.
Oh, my god.
So young and so untender?
Thank you. Thank you.
That will be all. Thanks.
Stop. Stop!
Next.
Where am I?
Fair daylight?
I am mightily abused.
What's this play
about anyway?
I should even die with pity,
to see another thus.
I will not swear these
on my hands.
Oh, it's my husband.
- Let me talk to him.
I don't know what to say.
- Let me talk to him.
Why?
I'll tell him what a bastard he
is for cheating on a saint like you.
Give me the phone.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, I can't talk right now.
No, not because I'm in
bed with someone.
Not yet.
I know I'm not at home.
So what? You go out all the time.
Why can't I go out sometimes?
not an hour more...
No. I did not agree to
have dinner with you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You said, 'let's have dinner.'
and I said, I don't know what
I said, but it wasn't 'yes.'
I am not with my lover.
No, I'm definitely not naked!
You cannot tell by my
voice that I'm naked.
Okay. Why should I?
You don't tell me everywhere you go.
Why should I tell
you where I go?
No, please don't say
that you love me!
Because!
I don't believe you anymore,
and I am so sick of your lies!
No. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I like your lies.
Bring on the lies.
What?
Because I didn't know that life
was this shitty little nasty thing
and I don't want to know!
So just spoon me full of ice cream
and tell me...
That love lasts forever.
And that all dreams
come true.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Just like my mom. Aha.
Hello, dementia.
I'm over here.
What?
No. No.
Don't... Shut up!
Just shut up! I am not
the love of anyone's life
and this is not about
who I'm fucking!
You're hired!
The audacity of it!
Just bursting into character!
I hadn't even thought
about a woman playing Lear.
I'm sorry, but I...
- She wants top billing.
And the whole
businessperson look, I like it.
She gets to keep the wardrobe.
That's a deal-breaker.
The corporate empire is
collapsing.
Lear is reduced to begging
on Wall Street.
The madness of capitalism!
- You don't... - She loves your ideas!
You have to suck up to the director.
You're young for the part,
but that's been done before.
Laurence Olivier played it at 39,
Gielgud at 26,
and people had their children much
younger in Shakespeare's day.
So, so, so... Should they
still be daughters or sons?
And who should play the fool?
Speciality.
Thank you, yes! Yes!
And, of course, I want to thank God.
Thank you.
I have a part in a play!
Shakespeare!
Does the fool has lots of lines?
You're gonna be nice and busy.
I want to play with my new
best friend. You can't quit.
And you have to do
whatever I say.
I thought that...
Mainly it was gonna be me
telling you what to do.
I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm...
better equipped to have information.
and, in this case,
I'm a big bitcher, pig bicture.
Big... Kind of person.
But you were so right.
I haven't thought about Paul...
For the last 20 minutes.
I haven't gone 20 minutes
without thinking about him
since the first time
he kissed me.
Do you want to hear
about our first kiss?
It was like the
best first kiss ever.
Maybe another time.
- Okay.
I really, really want to
kiss him right now.
Do you really think I
should not call him?
I'm sure.
Absolutely.
Start thinking about the play,
learning all the lines.
Well, maybe tonight when the
wicked witch of the west is
brushing her yucky teeth,
he will call me.
It just seems so strange.
You've always brushed
your teeth before bed.
Can't we just go to sleep?
Is...
his penis bigger than mine?
No, no.
It's an amazing coincidence.
They're exactly the same size.
You've measured them?
Why won't you tell me what you
were doing last night?
You wouldn't believe me
if I told you.
Oh, I'll be home late,
again, tonight.
Who is he?!
It's the office.
I better take it.
Well, you're heading out.
We'll talk later.
Oh, no. I'll wait for you
to finish your call.
You don't have to wait.
- I don't mind.
Go ahead - take it.
Where'd I leave the notes
on that audit?
I think they're upstairs.
This is Paul.
Damn it.
I got to work late tonight.
Yeah?
I'll talk to you later.
Who was that?
We need to talk.
No.
I'm not having the talk, okay?
You're not telling me you're
leaving me for another man.
Sit down.
I can't keep this up.
So... There is no other man.
Yeah, right. Well, then who
keeps calling you, then?
Just a... friend.
Just a friend. Okay.
What does that mean? Huh?
That you've seen him but you
haven't had sex yet?
Madelyn.
How far have you gone?
And where did you do it? Huh? Here?
Upstairs, in our home?
In our bed?
Why does the thought of someone else
wanting me suddenly make me irresistible?
I should go.
What's your hurry? Huh?
Is he somebody you work with?
I would like to think that if
I were having an affair,
it would be with someone
more interesting
than the men
with whom I work.
So help me god, if that's
him, I'll kill him.
It can't be him.
He doesn't exist!
Oh, fuck!
I knew I should have spent
more on the flowers.
It was so unexpected.
The phone just rang,
and it was Paul.
I would have called you to see
if I should see him or not, but
he was in such a hurry, and
really, I mean, I have to see
him again someday, right?
It's not like our paths will
never cross again and
we could be really old and, "Oh, my God.
You were the love of my life."
So, he's coming
over here tonight.
Is it okay if I have sex with him?
If he called you, sure.
Yeah. Okay.
But if you called him... I
know you didn't, but if you had,
that would be different.
It would?
You wouldn't want to be a
home wrecker, would you, Lucy?
Okay, see you at
rehearsal tonight.
If you're not too busy.
Is this...
I'm confused.
Oh, my god.
Yellow roses?
His favorite?
My god.
I knew something was up.
This morning he was singing.
He only sings when he's happy.
I went online to check the
credit card, a florist,
but I had no idea.
My husband is gay?!
In my heart, I knew it.
I knew it the first
time we had sex.
Wait. Your husband is the one
who sent my wife flowers?
You have a wife?
He isn't gay?
Oh. Well, who is she?
Madelyn Reed.
Rings a bell,
but just a tinkle.
Do you have a photo?
Yeah.
That Madelyn?!
My husband is Keith Halbertson.
I knew it was a co-worker.
Don't tell her you know.
She'll just deny it.
And we need proof so that we can
soak them in the divorce.
Wait. Well...
What do we know?
Do you think they've slept
together yet, or...
Did we catch
them in time?
He... He calls her in the
middle of the night.
Oh, shit!
Just shit, shit, shit.
I don't mean to be rude,
but I was just heading out.
How can they do this to us? Don't they
know how much they're hurting us?
Have they no morals?
To perform such
an act of cruelty, of...
selfishness, of lust,
a sin against good people
who promised 'for better
of worse, till death do you part,'
who'd look after them if they
had cancer or they went blind or...
or who would give
them a kidney.
What kind of scum
would do that?
Sneak around, lie,
have sex for kicks just
'cause they were bored?
My God.
There is nothing more
disgusting than infidelity.
Don't you agree?
I must love you.
And sue to know you better.
Sir, I shall study...
Deserving.
He hath been out nine years,
and away he shall again.
Ah, the king is coming.
The king is coming.
Your line.
Oh... Can you carry on
without me?
You're Lear.
Oh, I know.
Can I speak to you in private?
We have no secrets here.
We are a team.
One for all and all for one.
Team! Hurrah!
- Okay.
Well, I know you're depending
on me to play Lear,
because, well, I mean,
all the other Lears sucked.
And I'm usually very reliable,
and I'm usually sober, but,
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
We believe in you.
We believe in you.
Okay.
What I mean is that I'm going
through something right now
with someone you know, and if
you only knew what it was,
you would
understand, okay?
And everything that I had...
everything,
everything is suddenly just gone!
You know, kaput! Pow!
And it's all been replaced
by madness.
Hold that feeling.
Why would I hold it?
It hurts.
You're so lucky.
You're already there.
Shh! She's coming.
Okay, don't say
anything that I said.
Did I say anything? Okay,
just act natural, act natural.
You're actors.
You know how to do that.
Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
What happened?
- He didn't come.
I guess he loves
his wife more.
I don't know how I'd get through
this without you.
I adore subtext.
She needs a script.
Thank you.
Aren't you gonna answer that?
- No.
What does that mean?
- It means I'm asleep.
Did you split up with him?
- He doesn't exist.
I know more than
you think I know.
I'll answer it. I'll tell the bastard what
I think of him fucking my wife.
Hold it.
What?!
Hey.
I called the pastor for
you. He's on his way.
I don't really want to...
Speak to a complete stranger.
I'm sure he'll make you feel better.
He's a lot of fun.
He did card tricks at the
christmas party.
Well, in that case,
I think I'll just head down the hall and
get some coffe and make some phone calls.
If he does show up, tell him not
to wait around on my account.
Thanks for taking care of her.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I haven't turned
this thing off, day or night,
for the past two years,
just in case I got the call.
I got the call.
Me too.
Mother or father?
- Mother.
You?
Father.
Last one?
Yeah.
It's...
It's scary.
Why? We've been the
adults for a long time.
Maybe because we're next.
Do I feel more mortal? Yes, but,
little, little, little, too, you know?
Huh.
- Like a kid who can't go home
when she screws up because
home just died in her sleep.
Dad, I need money.
Mom, I quit school.
Dad, could you explain
women to me?
Mom, he broke my heart.
Those... were the days.
You?
- Oh, yes, please.
Favorite memories?
When I was 30,
I'd had a really bad miscarriage.
I had really wanted kids.
And everybody was saying
the right things,
you'll have other chances,
cheer up.
my husband said,
he was trying
to make me feel better,
he said, maybe we should
just save enough money
for a down payment first.
And I thought I had to say
all that same kind of crap.
So then, my mother came
to visit me in the hospital,
and, I said,
"I'll be fine."
and she just climbed up
onto my hospital bed
and held me and
just let me cry and cry.
That's my mom.
Wow.
You?
Well...
I decided on my 16th birthday
that I was gonna quit high school
and just hitchhike
all over South America
and nobody was gonna stop me.
Now, suddenly, I'm the
coolest guy in the school,
where I was
not popular at all.
I went home, and I'm packing up
everything in my backpack in my room.
My old man walks in.
He says, You know,
you can tell them
I wouldn't let you.
And I thought, how did he know?
I mean, I was petrified.
And I said, Dad, they're just gonna say,
'you should have gone anyway.
He said, Then you tell them,
I'll break every bone in your
body if you go.
This man had never even
laid a finger on me.
So I went back to school the
next day, and I said, my dad
stormed into my room with his
belt out, threatening to beat me
to a pulp if I dared...
He saved my honor.
What do you think is
happening to them?
You mean, like,
where are they?
Right now?
Right now.
- Or is this it?
It's over, the only
chance you get.
What do you like best
about being alive?
Less and less.
No, really, I mean, maybe
this is how it works.
If you're lucky and
you die old,
that your life has just become
so disappointing and so lonely,
so loveless, so empty,
so achy-breaky painful, that when
death finally does come along,
you say...
Where have you been?
Oh, come on. You're just
saying that to cheer me up.
But come on.
Give up spiked whiskey coffee
and nursing-home
waiting rooms?
Ice cream.
I like ice cream.
Wind.
I like, I love windy days.
Well, kisses.
Not, you know, kiss-kiss,
'see you later' kiss, but kisses like...
Like...
Like the first time you ever
kiss somebody.
You know? Kisses.
When was our last first kiss?
And did we even know
it was our last?
Then our first kisses were
gone forever.
I just had drunk sex with a stranger
in a nursing-home waiting room.
What do you do after
sex with a stranger
in a nursing-home...
waiting room?
I know. It's kind of...
Awkward.
Well, we're gonna have to...
Have to see each other again -
breakfast or something,
otherwise it'll be the most
surrealist experience of our lives.
Well, it would have some
competition for me.
Now, I've got a-a busy day.
I've got a funeral to plan.
Oh, shit. So do I.
Do you have any recommendations
on people who work...
I think, I'm gonna
use... Amberson's.
That's where I buried my dad.
- Amberson's?
Amberson's on Hunter?
- Yes. Yeah.
Maybe I'll see you there.
That is potent stuff. I mean,
I'm actually gonna, grab a cab,
leave my car here.
Do you want to share a cab?
No. No, thanks.
I just, I have phone calls
to make and...
I'll just... stay.
Okay.
Well...
Thanks. Bye.
- Thanks.
Don't say thanks.
- No, no.
I told you it'd be easy.
- I didn't even ask his name.
A complete stranger.
I love sex like that.
You had me at 'hello.'
Oh, and now you and your husband
can stay married, 'cause you'll be even.
I don't even know why I'm
doing the things I'm doing.
I don't know why
I just told you that
but who else would
I admit it to?
Well, you told me 'cause that's
what best friends do, right?
Uh, yeah.
And I have something to confess.
Paul didn't call me yesterday
morning. I called him.
You could tell, right?
Wow. You know me so well.
That's why I've always
wanted a best friend.
But he did call me today.
- He... called you today?
His mother-in-law died, so
now the 'wife' really needs him.
The wife.
How long do you
think he has to wait
until he tells her
he's leaving her?
Two weeks?
Well, I don't know that there's a
set time for that kind of thing.
Maybe I can google it.
But wouldn't it be great if he
came to the opening night?
And my dream is coming true,
I'm an actress!
Google it?
We that are young shall
never see so much
nor live.
So long.
We made it all the way to the
end of the play!
I can't believe I only fell off
the stage once.
Oh, it was twice.
That was...
That was...
That was...
So horrible.
So, so horrible!
Except for my star.
Bless you.
All of you were bad!
But then...
there was you.
Yeah. What was that
thing you did
when Lear says,
Oh, ho! 'tis foul?
You have no talent whatsoever.
Not a single drop.
You are a talentless void!
An empty pit of ineptitude!
Well, Madelyn says life is
not about talent.
Life is about working hard and
getting better bit by bit.
So I just have to keep trying.
And trying.
And trying.
You were great. Do you want
to hang out at my place?
I got to go home to Fred.
You can say it.
I should give up acting.
Maybe...
We shoud go hang out.
Court holy water indoors is
so much better than this
rainwater out of doors.
Good nuncle, ask thy daughters
forgiveness, for here's a...
something pities...
something...
night.
- I couldn't even do easy acting.
You know what?
I only got the commercial 'cause
I have nice breasts. See?
Lucy, come on now.
Take it from the top.
And this time remember,
it's night.
She's cold. - I'm never gonna
get it right. - Just keep at it.
How long is it gonna take?
Years! It's too hard.
Lucy, you were so happy
when you thought that you
were going to be a real actress.
I'm not happy now,
so I give up.
No. I decide, and
you're not giving up.
Now, come on.
Take it from the top.
Think about the words.
Fuck!
So you stayed out all night. That's great.
- Thank you so much for coming.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not as stupid as you
think I am, okay?
Thank you so much for coming.
- She will be missed.
Thank you so much for coming.
I know who he is, Madelyn.
Thank you so much for coming.
It was her time.
- We have a time?
Oh, yes.
I believe that.
That's nice for you.
- I fucking know who he is.
This is a blessing.
- Really?
She's out of her misery now.
But... no more ice cream.
Thank... Oh, Keith and, your wife.
I didn't expect you.
Of course you didn't, but I
wouldn't have missed
this for the world.
Really?
Oh, Madelyn, Madelyn.
Oh, my goodness.
Okay.
If you need anything... anything,
you have my number.
Call me day or night.
We... will do anything we can.
But I'm sure what you most need
right now is time with your husband.
For this to happen to you
now, of all times.
But just remember, God doesn't
give us any more than we can carry.
Oh, God has some formula
where he can calculate exactly
how much pain to inflict
on each individual?
Isn't it interesting that things
that are supposed to be
mindlessly comforting are
really, really horrible,
you know, when you
think about it?
That's my Madelyn -
no bullshit. I love it.
Come on. Come on.
Give me another hug. Come on.
Take as much
time off as you need.
That doesn't mean we don't
miss you at the office.
We miss you so much.
- Well...
Speaking of 'no bullshit,' you
know, everybody's mother dies.
What is the big deal here?
Lydia! Show some respect,
for Christ's sake.
The old lady's lying dead in
that box over there.
Thank you so much for coming.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be,
world without end.
Now, I'm sure Margaret's
daughter would like to share
some memories of
her beloved mother.
Madelyn?
Would you like to say
a few words?
Well... I guess...
I didnt realy have
anything prepared.
I keep expecting her to walk
through the door and say, Hi.
Hi!
- Hi!
What can I say?
She's in a better place.
Her time... has come.
She lived a good life.
Oh, ye are men of stones.
Had I your eyes
and tongues, I'd use them to crack...
Heaven's vaults.
She's gone forever.
I know when one is dead and
when one lives.
She's dead...
As earth.
Keith always said you were
very good at your job, but
I didn't realize you
were such a talker.
Excuse me.
I am so sorry.
How are you? Are you okay?
Is there anything I can do?
- Yes. - Okey.
Do you have the time to go
someplace with me? - Yeah.
Want to duck in the coatroom
and have a quick go?
Death, be not proud.
No. I have another idea.
You better come over.
Hello.
I'm just gonna pop out and,
get some ice cream with...
I don't know your name.
Derek.
Derek.
- Derek.
Derek, this is my
husband, Paul.
Husband?
Paul.
Derek.
And you're...
Madelyn.
- Madelyn.
I'm Keith.
- Keith. - I'm Lydia.
Lydia. I hope I don't have to
remember all these.
Nice to meet you all.
- See you later.
Is that the undertaker?
- I don't think so.
This is really good.
Good ice cream.
It is. It is.
Oh, my God.
I got to go.
I'm gonna be late
for rehearsal.
I'm in a play.
Wait, wait.
What?
You're an actress?
No, no, no.
I'm just... this is just something
that my husband's girlfriend
wanted me to do.
Your husband's girlfriend
wanted you to...
It's not as bonkers
as that sounds.
Yes, it is.
What's the play?
King Lear.
I play Lear.
I've got to go.
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You can't just...
Wait, wait, wait.
You can't just walk off like that.
You're starring in King Lear.
You're one in a billion.
If you only knew.
Listen, if you're free,
tomorrow night's
my dad's funeral.
It should be a rockin' good time.
It should be.
Will you join me?
I don't think that I can.
I just don't.
I'm sorry.
That's all right. I've been
turned down by lesser women.
I know what I want it
to say on my grave!
He slept with King Lear.
So farewell to you both.
- Prescribe not us our duties.
Let your study
be to content your lord
who hath received you
at fortune's alms.
You have...
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm sick of people waltzing in
here whenever they feel like it.
You better have one hell of a
good reason for being late.
Well, what is it?
You're wearing black.
Let's hope somebody died.
It's a tragedy,
everybody dies.
That's why I prefer
comedies, happy endings.
Kisses.
We're waiting, Lucy.
Oh, nuncle, court holy water
indoors is so much better
than this rainwater out of doors.
Good nuncle, in ask thy
daughter's forgiveness.
Here's a night pities neither
wise men nor fool.
That's...
That is a remarkable
improvement.
Damn, I'm such a good director.
We should celebrate,
go out to dinner.
Today I ran into the stranger that
I had drunk sex with. - Okey.
My job is not yet done.
I officially forbid you from
seeing a guy you had sex with
when you didn't know each
other's names.
One day it's the hottest sex you
ever had, and the next day it's,
you play the accordion!
Really, it doesn't work.
- That's what I thought.
That's what you, we're
starting to think alike?
Isn't that great?
Let me try it.
Okay, so what would
you say if I told you
I really felt like calling
Paul and asking him,
Hey, how was your
mother-in-law's funeral?
You'd say... - Yes.
- What? - Call him.
Call him?
- Yes. Call him.
Funerals - that's the time when we
start thinking about our own lives
time slipping away,
'if only', 'if only'...
wouldn't it be nice to finally
know what's in his heart?
Yeah, but I don't know.
To me, it just seems...
a little bit rude.
Won't they be sharing snacks and
memories about the dead lady?
You'll know the truth.
Don't you want to finally know the truth?
Yeah.
Do it.
- Okay.
Okay.
He's not picking up. Hi.
What do I say?
What do you want
to say to him?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm here.
Sorry.
I'm just calling you...
I just want you to know
that I love you.
What happened?
He said, Jesus Christ. Leave
me alone. I'm a married man.
He loves his wife.
Are you going to be all right?
I'll be okay.
All right!
We've been through so much
together, I forgot how we met.
I'm not gonna kill myself when I
just landed a juicy role.
Shakespeare.
And I think I can do
a really good job at it.
And I'll become a star.
And he'll spend the rest
of his life missing me.
I'm okay.
So, who was the
man at the funeral,
and what have you been
doing with him for six hours?
You're not quite yourself, are you?
- That's true.
I don't know that I owe anybody
an explanation, but,
for the record, that man's dad died
the same night as my mother, and
we got to... talking.
And today I felt like he was the only
one who understood what I was feeling.
Oh, and how long has this
been going on?
Yes. You've been a busy girl.
I swear I met him for the
first time the night my mom died.
I said that Madelyn wouldn't
have sex with a man
whose name she didn't know.
She's no cheap slut,
for Christ's sake.
Wait, wait.
So Lydia was right.
He's not the one you've
been sleeping with?
What are you talking about?
- You bet I'm right.
Why are they even here?
Hard to get rid of.
You might think you're so smart,
but we know everything.
Oh, surely not.
Yes. We do.
The phone calls, the late nights that
all started before your mother died.
We said we'd keep it secret till we
had proof, but I've had enough.
We know you two
are having an affair!
No, we're not!
I didn't even know she wanted an affair.
- I...
You should have told me.
Though I know what
you were up to.
Oh, no.
Wait. Listen, please.
Can we just not
get into all that?
I buried my mother today.
Yellow roses!
On our credit card.
Yes, I sent her flowers because
her mother was dead, well, was dying.
Right?
Yes. Sure. Right. I told Keith
that my mother was dying.
You never told me that.
Because you were
busy being audited.
So... The man at the
funeral's dad died and
and Keith sent me flowers
because my mother was dying.
Questions all answered?
Great.
Good night.
- Wait. I have a question.
I am so tired, Paul.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Because I love you, and I want
to know if our marriage can be saved.
Ask your question.
If it's not Keith and it's not
the man at the funeral,
who is it that calls you
in the middle of the night?
Do you really want to save
this marriage?
More than anything.
Then let's talk in the morning.
Lucy!
Lucy!
Oh, Paul, I missed you so much!
- Stop it. Get off.
How did you get her number? Huh?
I was so careful.
I didn't even tell you her name.
What? - Did you look at my
phone when I was sleeping?
How dare you do that!
What are you talking about?
- I know what you've been doing, Lucy.
You know about the play?
- Oh, stop playing games.
I know you've been
calling my wife.
Your wife?
- Oh, come on!
You might be an idiot,
but I'm not.
I checked her cell to see
who's been calling her.
What did I find, lucy?
Huh?
Your number!
I've never called
your wife.
Again and again.
When she's at work, in the
middle of the night...
In the middle of the...
What's your wife's name?
You know my wife is Madelyn Reed.
Why else would you be calling her?
But your last name is Jefferson.
She uses her own name.
Look, and will you stop trying
to come up with some excuse?
What? Like, you're just
randomly calling some woman
who happens
to be my wife. Jesus!
Why else would you be calling
her countless fucking times?
We're friends.
Come on!
Really.
But I'm telling you the truth!
- Oh, sure. Absolutely.
You just happened by sheer chance
to become best buddies with my wife.
She must have seen us
the day we had the fight.
She said she followed me home,
but she never, never told me
she was your wife.
We made a pact.
She had to do whatever I told
her, and I've been doing...
Jesus. Okay, you have lost your mind.
This is like some fucking
fatal attraction here.
Never call my wife again!
You understand?
And never call me or
I'll phone the police.
I'm gonna go home and just pray
to God my wife forgives me.
I'm sure she will.
I mean, after all, she
cheated on you, too...
With that guy she met
a couple of nights ago.
She saw him again yesterday.
What's his name?
Oh, right.
She doesn't know his name.
You know about him?
She tells me everything.
She said she didn't
have sex with him.
And what did she tell you about
her co-worker Keith?
Keith? She said she didn't have
sex with him either.
Really?
I can't believe you did that.
Lovely home. You're gonna miss it.
You do not play me like a game.
Yeah, I cheated on you, Madelyn,
but you know what?
Now I realize why I took up with Lucy
because deep down I sensed
you were already cheating on me.
What?!
Don't give me any more of your lies!
Lucy told me everything.
Oh, everything?
- Oh, yeah. And I'm not just talking about
the stranger you
had sex with, Madelyn.
My god, you didn't even
know his name!
I know all about Keith, too.
Keith?
I know you've been sleeping
with him for over a year.
Yeah. Just hoping I'd have an affair
so that you can get a
better divorce settlement.
Well, it's not gonna happen,
Madelyn! Okay?
I'm fighting you for everything!
- Okay.
Absolutely out of your mind.
Here. There you go.
I'll pack that.
Take these.
You can have someone to clean up
after yourself, pack your pillow
so you can snore all you
want with Lucy!
What do you mean, Madelyn's not coming?
- Well, I'm not certain,
but I'd be very surprised if
she showed up.
Is she ill?
- No.
Could you call her?
- No. I'm not calling her.
But we need our Lear.
- Can't you find someone else?
No, you can't just have
anybody play Lear.
We'll have to cancel the play.
She seemed so reliable!
What happened?
Well, she's not even an actress.
I'm the actress. I'm the one
that has the right to be here.
And frankly, she was here
just for one reason,
she had this scheme to distract me
so I'd forget about the man I love.
Would that be her husband?
Yeah.
- I thought so.
Perhaps we could call her husband.
Presumably, you have his number.
He could tell us where she is.
- No, he could not.
He's living with me now.
Now I understand.
Are you sure that
Madelyn is all right?
If her husband left her today,
for you, presumably she'd be upset.
We've all read the tragedies.
Oh, no! She wouldn't.
I don't think so.
- You don't think.
Knock harder.
- Do it again. - Is she hurt?
I think we should call the police.
Seriously?
- Oh! Thank God.
Come on.
Thank god you're here.
I don't know what we would
have done if you hadn't been home.
Are you all right?
Of course. I'm fine.
Well, when we heard what
happened, we...
It's just life.
50% of marriages
end up in divorce.
And everybody's mother dies.
To tell you the truth, I'll be
glad to get rid of this house.
I swear I've spent the last 10
years doing housework.
I just...
Need a day to deal with it.
Then you'll be at
rehearsal tomorrow?
No.
I'm not doing the play.
You can't quit!
If you quit, they have to cancel.
I don't know how much
she's told you.
Everything.
Oh, well, then you know we
can't be on the stage together.
I can if she can.
I'll get some coffee.
You shouldn't be drinking
alcohol is a depressant.
Well, and if we have to choose,
we'd rather get rid of Lucy than you.
Definitely.
Look, I know this isn't
the best time,
but I wouldn't ask you to
do this if I didn't believe
it was the best thing for you...
I don't want to disappoint
everybody, but... I'm exhausted.
I mean, maybe if I was
their age, you know...
No, no. If you were their age, you
wouldn't understand the part.
Gielgud was a horrible Lear at 26.
That's the best thing
about being old.
Look, you have learned so
much more about life
love never works out,
we're all going to... die.
So you can finally
play the juicy roles.
Well, men can.
Please don't make us cancel it.
I memorized all my lines!
My grandmother's already
paid for her plane ticket.
It's only three weeks till
opening night.
Yeah, and the play will
probably close after the first night.
Yes. We've only sold 17 tickets.
Look, I know this might
mean nothing to you, but
it's the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
Three weeks.
Wonderful, wonderful!
Look, you take today to do
whatever it is that you need to
do, and we'll see you tomorrow.
I promise this is
just what you need.
Oh, I'm so happy.
You get some sleep.
Are you eating?
You have to take
care of yourself.
And if you need anything,
anything at all,
you just let us know, all right?
We did it!
I can't believe it!
It's so wonderful!
You remember the day we met,
you told me,
If you give yourself a little time,
an impulse will go away?
Yes.
Now go away.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I was... just a...
waiting for someone
I thought might... show up.
Taxi dropped this
off for you, sir.
Thank you.
Other way.
Lion face. Mouse face.
Lion face. Release the jaw.
And shake it out.
Shake it out.
No, no, no. She's a
C.E.O.'s daughter, not a hooker.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
It's five minutes to places.
Let's go out there and
make magic tonight.
Magic!
No, just a little closer.
that's my motivation.
They look good.
- You're making me really uncomfortable.
Lear, Lear, Lear, Lear!
Go, Shakespeare!
It's time.
Are you still worried about
your acting abilities?
I think you've proved that
they're pretty good.
Let's just get on with it, okay?
Do you still love him?
- Fuck off.
Do you miss him?
- Fuck off!
We were married for
a long time, Lucy.
We shared each other's lives.
My mother's gone, I'm about to
lose my home, and the only thing
that's gotten me through these
last few weeks is this play, and
we're just about to be laughed
off the stage.
So don't expect me to make
you feel better, okay?
It's all Madelyn this and
Madelyn that.
What?
I knew he didn't love me.
I just wanted to get back
at you for tricking me.
So let's hope you were right
when you said I could do better.
Tonight I'll tell him the truth.
I'll tell him you never slept
with that guy you work with.
And I'll tell him you didn't
sleep with the other one, too.
I mean, only married people
think one fuck matters anyway.
We're starting!
I get it...
Why you would hate the woman
who's trying to steal your husband.
I get it.
But then why...
Why did you help me?
Because I started to like you.
Just remember, this entire
play is resting on your shoulders.
Now relax.
The queen is coming.
Go.
Attend the lords of...
of... France,
Burgundy, Gloucester.
- I shall, my liege.
Meantime...
Meantime, we shall express our
darker purpose. Give me the map there.
Know that we have divided
in three our kingdom, and
'tis our fast intent to shake all cares
and business from our age,
conferring them on younger
strengths while we, unburdened,
crawl toward death.
I did her wrong.
Can't you tell me how an
oyster make his shell?
No. - Nor I neither, but I can tell
you why a snail has a house. - Why?
Why, to put her head in it, not
to give it away to her daughters
and leave her horns
without a case.
I shall forget my nature,
so kind a mother.
Be my cars ready?
- Thy asses are gone about them.
To take it again, perforce!
Monster ingratitude!
If thou were my fool,
I'd have thee beaten...
For being old before thy time.
- How is that?
Thou shouldst not have been
old till thou hadst been wise.
You see me here, you Gods,
an old woman, full of grief as age
wretched in both.
If it be you that stir these
daughters' hearts against their mother,
fool not to bear it tamely.
Touch me with noble anger, and
let not women's weapons, water drops,
stain my cheeks.
No, you unnatural hags,
I will have such revenges on you both
that all the world shall...
I will do such things, yet I
know not what I will do, but
they shall be the terrors
of the earth.
You think I'll weep?
No. I'll not weep.
I have full cause of weeping.
But this heart shall break into
a hundred thousand
pieces or ere I'll weep.
Singe my head!
Auntie, court holy water
indoors is much better than
this rainwater out of doors.
And that all-shaking thunder,
strike.
Here's a night pities neither
wise man nor fool.
With a heigh-ho, the wind and
the rain must make content with
his fortunes fit, for the rain,
it raineth every day.
Never, never.
Never, never.
Do you see this?
Look upon her.
Look her lips.
Look there.
Look there.
There.
Bravo!
Bravo!
Let's do another one.
to stop off and pick up some groceries
Give me a call if you hear back.
I can pick up the dry cleaning.
Hey Paul, I was just calling you.
No, no, I had a client meeting outside
so I'm out of the office. I'm at...
What?
Again?
No. No, no.
It's okay.
You're the one who's gonna have
the horrible evening.
God, that audit is
going on forever.
Ah. No, I won't wait up for you.
I'll probably just fall asleep
in front of the TV.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Hi. Table for one?
- Oh, no, I just want to take out.
Do you still have that chocolate cake
with the crushed almonds. - Yes.
My husband used to love that. If I could
get a takeout for two, that'd be great.
I'll check if we have any left.
I'm so sorry.
We just sold our last... slice.
Hello? - Sorry, I don't know what
came over me, but, I just forgot
what time you said you
would be home. - Late.
Oh... late.
Yeah... right. Okey.
Well, let me let you get
back to your audit.
Okey.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Paul!
Paul, wait!
Paul! Wait! You' re not serious?!
- Stop it, Lucy.
Paul, you can't go!
- Stop it!
Lady, are you buying something?
- Y-yes. Sure, sure. - What?
A newspaper.
Hi.
Huh?
What?
A rope.
- Hey, what is she saying?
What would you like?
I want...
- Hey, what is she saying?
What would you like?
- I want a rope.
I want a rope!
Rope.
- Rope?
Okeydokey.
One rope is coming up.
Is it a good length?
- Yeah.
I'll take this too.
Oh, no, no. Listen, this is not for sale.
I'm saving it for tonight...
- How much do you want?
Just take it.
Who cares?
She gave you over $200.
Why she would do that?
What can I say?
People like me. - What on earth
would she want a rope for?
Are you gonna pay for that?
Excu... are you all right?
What difference does it make?!
Yeah?! - I... we just met in the
hallway just now, and, I think
I saw you earlier in the store
and I just want to make
sure that you're all right.
I'm fine.
But you, you don't seem fine.
- I'm fine! - Sorry.
Okey.
Listen. This is gonna sound really
strange, but how do I know that
you're not standing on a chair
with a noose around your neck?
I really, really, really don't
want to get involved, but...
Oh, good god.
Okay.
It's... it's all right.
Nothing is ever gonna
be all right again.
Ever.
Oh, no. Stop that... young lady,
stop! Stop drinking. Give me that.
I'll get you some water.
Alcohol is a depressant.
It's the last thing in the world
you need right now.
Y-you're, like, the nicest
person I've ever met.
Why would you do this for a
complete stranger?
Oh, well, enough about me.
Okay.
What happened to make you so... sad?
I can't... I can't talk about it.
- Well, sometimes it's good to talk.
No, really open up, spill
out all the gory details.
I'm itching to.
- I'm absolutely sure.
There's this man.
I love him...
and I thought we were
gonna get married,
have children, a life together, but..
But... - If I tell you this, you're
not gonna like me anymore.
Well, I'm sure I'll like you just as
much as I... like you right now.
Are you married?
- Yes.
But I'm a big girl.
- He's married, too.
Small world.
- But he doesn't love his wife.
Paul and her got married when
they were practically children,
and it hasn't meant anything in years,
so I thought he was gonna leave her.
But tonight she kept
phoning and phoning and
he thought she sounded suspicious.
So he said he had to go home
before she checked up on his alibi,
and I said, "Well, why
not tell her the truth?" Right?
Isn't it meaner to let her
think she's paranoid
and then in a month say, "Guess what,
I love someone else", right?
I mean, a clean break
hurts less, right?
W-what do you think?
Well, what I think has
no... relevance.
But you must have an opinion.
- What did he say?
He said I can't understand
what it's like to be married.
And whose fault is that?
How could he go home to her?
We should be making love on this couch
like all those other, wonderful times
and he...
Do you think this means he
doesn't really love me?
Well... he said that his marriage to...
I don't know her name.
He calls her "the wife."
Ah. The wife. - He doesn't like talking
about her. It makes him uncomfortable.
I'm sure it would.
But, he did say they haven't
had sex in two years.
What kind of a woman
must she be, right?
I can't go two days without sex.
Who can?
I mean, II've been
multiorgasmic since I was 8.
How nice for you.
Are you sure that he's telling
you the truth? I mean, I know marriage.
I know marriage
and I'm sure that
they still have sex
sometimes.
Well, that's...
You think he...
He's been lying to me?
If he's just been using me,
I don't think I could take it.
I-I'm just gonna take it in...
Hello?!
No, no, I'm not at home.
Well, when you said that you
were gonna work late,
I decided to, to go visit my mom.
Join me? No. No,
that's not a good idea.
Oh, when will I be home?
So many questions.
Well... it'll be a while.
Yeah, I'll be right there, mom.
I got to go. Bye.
Okay.
So, you were just
getting ready to tell... oh, no!
Just let me die, please.
Young lady, listen.
Listen, listen, listen, please.
Suicide is an impulse act.
If you'd just wait a little while,
I'm sure you'll change your mind.
That's right, I should do it
really fast, okay?
Just, can I ask you a favor?
If I just get brain damage
do you promise to hold
a pillow over my face? - Oh, my God!
I feel dizzy.
What's wrong?
I haven't eaten yet.
- I'm so sorry.
Do you want some grapes?
Oh, my God.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's Paul. What do I do? - What?
Oh, you're asking me? - You're so wise...
Don't answer it.
- Hi. I'm sorry.
He wants to come over.
- I guess his wife isn't home after all.
What about your wife?
Yeah.
He says he doesn't
care what she thinks.
Well, then why doesn't he
just ask her for a divorce
instead of coming over here...
for...
You're so right.
Paul, I refuse
to see you again until you ask
your wife for a divorce.
That was smart, right?
Yeah. I hope so.
I've always been attracted
to older men.
I slept with my english
teacher when I was in Madrid.
And when I came here as an
au pair, the dads...
Well, the au pair thing
didn't work out.
But, just between you and I,
I'm not as young as I seem.
Oh, no. You couldn't be.
When Paul and I get married,
I don't want one of
those dead marriages, you know
where those couples have
nothing to talk about.
but what chores to do,
what TV show to watch.
I'm gonna have sex three
times a day until we die.
Jesus, three times a day.
How would you even find the time?
What do you do?
- I don't know.
How can you not
know what you do?
Well, really, I'm an actress.
But I haven't had a part in a
while, so I do temp work in offices.
That's how I met Paul.
I was taking some papers into his office.
The door was closed, so I
thought they'd gone out for lunch.
You know, I just opened the door,
and he was just there at his
desk, his head in his hands, crying.
He was crying?
Yeah, he was crying.
He told me later that he felt
like his life meant nothing,
like he might as well
be dead already.
Well, we all feel like that sometimes.
I mean, even I feel like that sometimes.
But do I screw the office temp? No. I-I...
I wake up every morning and I do the
laundry and I cook and I go to work
and I visit my mother, who doesn't
even remember who I am.
Okay, sometimes I... watch TV.
I talk about what groceries
I'm gonna buy.
But you're nothing,
nothing like Paul's wife.
You're so different.
You're so kind.
Your husband must love you so much.
No.
He doesn't.
Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Does he have affairs?
Yes. At least one.
Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Is it still going on?
- Yes.
Oh, shit.
Well, what are you gonna do?
You mean am I gonna go
buy a bottle of scotch
and drink it straight
from the bottle? No.
Am I gonna put a noose
around my neck? No.
Pills, I can get pills.
Women can always get pills.
And who cares if one day you just happen to
take too many? Not your husband. No, no.
Then he can live happily ever
after with a bouncing bimbo.
No. I can't die.
I need to stay alive so that I
can destroy his future happiness.
I actually have a reason to live.
For a minute there, I thought I didn't.
Oh, my God.
You're not who you've been
pretending to be tonight.
What?!
I recognize you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- I-I'm sorry.
I thought you were one of those
people that are, you know
happy with a nothing life, a
boring marriage, an office job.
But you're not. You're like me,
and you're so much like me!
I am nothing like you.
We are exact opposites.
Give us any situation, situation "x",
and you would choose to do "b,"
while I would do "a."
And even when I was your age, I
would not have slept with a
sobbing businessman.
I would not ever be an actress.
I would never be a poet or an astrologer.
Actress and astrologer are not equivalent.
- Well, they're close enough.
It's true, there was a moment there
where I was a foot reflexologist.
But that's scientifically
proven, so it's...
My point is, that I would do
everything differently if I were you
and you would do everything
differently if you were me, too.
Although it's hard to imagine
that our lives could be
any worse than
they are right now.
So how much worse would our lives
be if I would do what you would do
and you would do
what I would do?
That's such a brilliant idea!
- What idea? I haven't had an idea.
No, but you're right.
We've been feeling and thinking
and deciding for ourselves,
and our lives are a mess.
We should try the opposite!
- Decide one thing and then do the other?
I mean like, like I get to
think what you should do, and
you get to think what I should do,
like when you told me to
stop drinking and not kill myself.
I would be drunk and dead
if I'd made up my own mind instead of
letting you make up my mind for me.
Maybe that just means that...
I make better decisions than you do.
No offense, Madelyn, but
your life sounds crappier than mine.
My life sounds crappier than yours?
I'm not the one married to a
man who's cheating on me.
Look at it this way, we're
both self-destructive people or
we wouldn't be involved with men
that treat us like shit.
But we would not be
self-destructive if we were
making decisions for someone
else, 'cause I don't want to destroy
your life and you don't
want to destroy my life.
No, of course not.
So, the way to fix our lives is to
stop making our own decisions
and let the other one
make them instead.
Not on little things, like
"what color lipstick should I wear?"
I'd go pinker if I were you,
but on, on, on the big stuff, you know?
We call each other before we
decide anything major.
You would really do
anything I said?
Thank you so much.
I didn't realize I didn't have any money.
No, no, it's okay. I got it.
So, should you stay with your
husband or should you leave him?
I should...
- I get to decide. I'm the objective one.
Subjective.
I always get those two mixed up.
- Obje... objective.
Objective.
Okay. Think.
Okay, if he loves her, you
should kick him out.
If he loves her, you're gonna
get dumped soon anyway.
But maybe... maybe
he doesn't love her.
Maybe she's just some bimbo. You know,
how long have you been married?
A long time. - And would you throw all
those years away over some silly fling?
Yes. - No. - No.
- No. You're such a nice person.
If he still loves you, you'll
find a way to make things work.
And if not, once the bimbo is out
of the picture, you dump the creep.
So, first step...
You have to find out who he
loves - you or his girlfriend.
Okay? So you go home and ask
your husband, what's his name?
Fred. - Fred. You say,
"Fred, do you still love me?"
And then call and tell me what
he said and I'll tell you what to do next.
Okay. - Okay.
- I feel a little bit like
Alice in wonderland.
Oh, my god! I spent half
my life feeling like that girl.
Isn't that incredible?
- Yes.
Wow! We're so much alike.
- No, we're nothing alike.
There you go.
That's your mission.
And when I hear from Paul,
you'll get to tell me what to do.
Okay. I go this way.
I have to take the subway.
You don't live in my building?
No.
I... I saw you buying the rope,
and I-I followed you home.
Oh, my God.
You really are the kindest
person I've ever met.
Hug?
I'm gonna work so hard
to make you happy.
Bye!
- Okay. Bye-bye.
Good night.
Don't... Call me.
What are you looking at?!
Hi, mom.
Henry?
No. It's me.
I got you something.
Do you want it?
I got you some ice cream.
Here you go.
Now...
It's your favorite.
Thank you, Henry.
Hey. I'm in here.
You've been working
late a lot of evenings.
Yeah. Work's been rough.
Are you...
Are...
Do you still love me?
Of course I love you.
God, visits to your mother
always get you down.
Uh, where's my sweatshirt?
On the chair.
I'm just gonna go catch the
end of the game.
Okey, I've asked him.
- And what did he say?
He said he loved me, but I don't know
that I believed him. And frankly,
I don't know that I care.
So, now let's talk about what I
want you to say to your married man.
I've got it! You have to tell your husband
you're in love with someone else.
Why on earth would I do that?
- To see if he gets jealous.
If he doesn't love you anymore,
it won't be that big a deal,
other than the male ego - you
know, "is my penis bigger than his?"
If penis size comes up, just
tell him they're both the same.
That takes the whole penis
issue off the table.
But if he gets really angry and
the penis thing if off the table,
that means he loves you.
Then call me, but not till after
midnight so I can tell you what
Paul said about the ultimatum.
Wait. Uh, u-under this,
the rules of this pact thingy,
you're not allowed to call him
until I give my permission.
Well, I'm not calling him.
Every night, when his wife
is brushing her teeth,
he calls me
to say he loves me.
You didn't brush your teeth.
- I don't feel like brush my teeth.
You always brush your teeth.
- Well, not tonight.
But you never miss.
You use your electric toothbrush.
You said your dad had gum disease.
You want to be safe. - Good night.
It's three o'clock.
- Oh, my god! The nursing home... my mother!
Hello?
- He didn't call me.
I'll be right back.
- Is it the nursing home?
No.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
- He didn't call.
And you were supposed to call me
after you told your husband you
were having an affair.
Well, I haven't told him yet.
- Why not? - Because I got sleepy.
How can you sleep
when you don't know if
you're gonna be married tomorrow or not?
Well, maybe now it won't be so easy.
- Why do you think he didn't call?
Maybe his wife forgot.
to brush her teeth.
Oh, no, no, no.
She always brushes her teeth.
She's got, like, this obsessive
thing about her gums.
Paul thinks it's stupid, but
he's afraid to tell her
'cause he thinks she will make him
listen to more gross stories
about her dad's teeth falling out.
No wonder he doesn't
love her anymore, right?
Who would want to live with
someone like that?
Hello?
Hello?
Madelyn?
Who was that?
Who was it?
- That was a man, a man I am seeing,
a man who's so crazy about me,
he calls me in the middle of the night.
A man who loves every
single thing about me!
Hej!
Hey, I made breakfast...
Your favorites - french toast,
coffee, orange juice.
I think I'll just go straight to the office.
- Oh. Okay.
I'll see you tonight, then,
right?
Hey, we should, go for dinner.
We haven't done that in a while.
Just tell me who he is!
French toast.
Oh, my god!
Oh, you're his first choice.
I'm so happy for you.
I really hope this plan works
out for me, too.
I wanted to be his only choice.
Oh, yeah. Well, I want to be the only
choice, too, but, you know,
maybe that doesn't happen -
the whole soul-mate thing.
I don't need a soul mate.
But if there's going to be a second,
at least let it be a distant second,
You know, "distant enough that
you don't have sex with" second.
Okay.
Maybe a... drunken kiss at the
christmas party. But that's my limit.
And now I'm supposed to
stay married to a man
who has a really close second and has
suddenly decided that he wants me
because he's jealous of
an imaginary somebody.
It's a fake fuck!
It just seems like a really puny life.
Well, maybe he was lonely or
busy with work, and she was
right there saying, "hey, big boy.
You look like you need a hug."
We're all human.
But to risk... everything...
for a...
- A slut.
It's hard. I know.
You know, when we retire...
were going to move to Asia...
For a little bit, for a year.
Do you know where that is, Asia?
We've been saving
and saving for it.
We even talked about moving to
the south of France.
Do you know that if you live, more
than commuting distance to Paris
it doesn't cost any
more than living here?
But you're way too young to
think about retirement.
Retirement is what people
like us look forward to.
Retirement is, you know, when you finally
get to do what makes you happy.
Our goal is to retire as soon as
humanly possible.
And now I won't even be able to
have my home.
I will grow old alone.
You live your life according to
certain ideas and expectations.
And then suddenly...
It's gone.
But why not forgive him?
He was willing to
forgive your affair.
You'd be even.
- I didn't have an affair.
Well, yeah, but that's
so easy to fix.
It's not like it's hard to find
a man who wants to fuck.
I don't want to fuck another man.
- But it would fix everything.
And sometimes, you have to
think outside the box.
Oh, I-I've got to get to work.
But w-we haven't
talked about me yet.
Paul hasn't called.
Should I call him?
No. Definitely do not call him.
I was afraid you'd say that.
I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum.
You know what? Being a second
choice is not that bad
and gradually you can work
your way up closer and closer
to the first choice until
maybe, one day, you get to be her.
What if he's dead? That's the worst
thing of being the other woman.
We never know when they're dead.
Who's gonna send us an
invitation to the funeral?
Oh, my god.
Do you think he's dead?
Men who don't call are never dead.
- Okay.
And you have to
get on with your life.
You can't keep waiting
for him to call.
He is my life.
What about your career?
Well, that's a big word,
for a tv commercial and a walk-on
in a fringe festival play.
Oh, my God. Career.
I'm so late!
Okay, but what
do I do today?
I want you to...
think... right?
Think. About...
How to make your career something
that is more than just imaginary.
Okay, I can do, okay.
And what else?
I'll call you. - When?
- Soon. - Soon? Okey!
Hi.
- They're all waiting.
Shit. This... this put in my office.
- Yes.
Here she is.
- We had to start without you.
You know I hate talking
to these people.
Hi, hi, hi.
I'm Madelyn Reed.
I'm here at Jameson research,
we conduct research on...
everything from the,
latest economic trends to
marketing strategies to...
and this is where you come in,
individual purchasing decisions.
Okay.
So...
My colleague Keith here...
- Hi. - Hi.
Is going to show you some...
covers for the latest cookbook.
"Smart heart meals
for the happy family."
Okay, let's start off with some
general questions.
Maggie, is this the kind of
cookbook you would buy?
Yes. I would definitely buy it.
I love their kitchen.
Their kitchen... good.
Kit-chen.
How about you, Tyler?
I think it could be a good
birthday present for my mom.
My dad's had heart problems.
What about you, Sam?
I don't like the wife.
What do you think of the wife, Sarah?
- I love her earrings.
Earrings.
- I just don't think she's very hot.
Well, she's making lunch for her husband,
so how hot would she be?
Another opinion. Carla.
- She's smiling, but I don't think
she looks happy.
Well, again, making lunch for
the husband, okay?
So what do we think
about the husband?
He's kind of cute.
- Yeah.
Cute. Well, it's easy to be cute when you're
the one being waited on hand and foot.
But, what does she have to do to
get him to make lunch for her, huh?
Sleep with the mailman?
Madelyn?
- Can we get another opinion? Lindy.
I like his smile.
Really?
Well, I think that he looks
just a little bit smug.
See here in the second one?
Right there?
I don't know...
- No. Look, look, look.
Do you really think that he
appreciates her?
Here she's gone to all the
trouble to make him this really
lifesaving meal, and he's probably
sitting there like Sam over here, thinking
"Oh, wait. She's not hot anymore.
And if I'm gonna stay alive,
what I need to do is shtup that bimbo."
What bimbo?
- I don't see a bimbo.
There's always a bimbo.
And even if you get over the first bimbo,
there's gonna be another bimbo,
because, you know, it's not
like people fall for the bimbo
because of the uniqueness
of the bimbo.
But that doesn't mean that the
bimbo will last forever, because
the illusion of immortality is not
the same as immortality itself!
Okay? Mr. Smug face over there can
fuck all the bimbos he can get,
and at the end of the day, he
will still end up alone.
If you think
that once the bimbos go to
wherever it is that bimbos go,
that you can crawl
back to that wonderful,
wonderful wife who has made you
all those beautiful lunches,
then, you've got another thing
coming, you bastard!
Madelyn, are you... all right?
Why don't you go to my office?
- Excuse me.
I'm just gonna go get something
I left in my coat pocket.
I'm very sorry.
Madelyn?
- I know how to open the door!
This is most unexpected,
but don't move.
We'll be serving coffee.
Bimbo.
Just a minute.
What's wrong?
- Nothing. I just... I got thirsty.
You're our most reliable employee.
- Don't call me reliable!
Reliable is good!
I used to think so, but I'm
not so sure anymore.
Okay, I know I shouldn't drink,
but life feels so painful drunk
that I don't want to know what
it feels like sober.
These just came for you.
Aren't you lucky?
Pretty secretary.
They're always so pretty.
Ah. "To the love of my life. Paul."
- Is it your anniversary?
Nope.
Oh, my god. He was unfaithful
with some bimbo.
Yes.
Oh, my god. Yes.
I'm being traded in
like an old car.
Oh, it is so good to finally have
someone sane to talk about this with.
This is the best
day of my life.
Surely not.
I've known that these
are bad times, Keith, but
I've never thought of you
as a cruel man.
I have something to confess.
Well, can it wait for an even
more wonderful day?
Oh, shit. My phone's ringing.
This is not soon!
Was that Paul?
- No.
It's just someone that I made
a really strange contract with.
It's complicated.
It's really complicated.
Oh, Madelyn.
I've wanted to say this
since the first day
you walked into the
office, looking for a job.
The moment I saw you
all decked out
in your gray suit and
black pumps, I knew it!
I love you.
You love me?
- With all my heart and soul.
You love me?
Well, I mean, I've always known
that, you like chatting with me,
but I never knew that
you loved me.
There's so many things about my
life I don't know.
What else don't I know?
Maybe I have secret superpowers.
Let's seize the moment!
What... what moment exactly?
They go by so quickly.
Oh, Madelyn, just say the word.
- What word would that be?
Say yes!
- But to what, exactly?
To me.
But...
- No, no, no. No buts.
But, but, but...
You're married!
Madelyn, one word from you
and Lydia's gone, history.
Oh, look. My bottle's empty.
I'm just gonna take a...
A mental-health day.
You know, seldom more deserved,
but under the circumstances, a
highly unachievable goal. - You...
You will at least think
about it, will you?
Honestly, I'll do my very
best not to think about it,
but I'll p-probably fail.
So this is the best
that I can do.
Yes!
If this man you're seeing...
Paul.
I love to say his name.
Paul.
- Yes, if this Paul...
and his wife decided that
starting a whole new life
with whole new people
was just too exhausting,
what would you do?
- I'd kill myself.
But wouldn't you think,
"Wow! A whole new start"?
No, I'd kill myself.
- Okay.
How did that thinking
on your career go?
Well, I looked at the list
for this week's auditions,
even for parts that don't pay,
and there's nothing.
Okay.
Well, let me look at it.
Here.
You're so nice.
I thought you'd forgotten
all about my problems, and you've
been thinking so much about me.
Thank you.
Let me see here.
Get out the old...
Okay. You don't need these.
Okay.
Aha.
Gang member...
Carjacker, hit man, hooker...
Aha! Shakespeare.
Ha! What could be better?
A TV commercial?
- Ah, but a play!
It's long!
And commercials you don't
have to learn so many lines,
and I can use my speciality.
Your speciality?
Want to see?
- Oh, yeah.
See, I turn away and then look
back and give a little smile.
It used to have a wink in it, too,
but this director told me
it was too much.
Just tell me which one
you prefer. I'll show you.
No wink.
Wink.
But you can do
more than that.
Not that much, no.
I flunked dance classes, and...
You flunked dance classes.
Okay. Okay.
Well, you just have to
keep trying.
We can all do more.
No, that's what we do.
We work hard,
we get better, then we analyze our
mistakes, we work hard again,
and we get even better.
That's life!
And then somebody pulls
the rug out from under us
and we wish we were dead,
but let's not think about that.
Okey.
The relevant point is that if
you were in a play right now,
you would not be pining over...
- Paul?
Oh, look.
Auditions at 7:00 tonight.
Maybe you'll be discovered.
Maybe you'll
move to California.
They'll laugh at me.
- You're just nervous.
I hate auditions.
Just sitting there all alone,
waiting for someone to call your name
and then they just say,
"Stop! Stop!"
And what if Paul comes
and I'm not home?
You have to do what I say.
Remember, I did what you said.
I asked my husband if he loved me
and then I told him I was
sleeping with an imaginary man.
Going to an audition is a lot
less than that.
I'll go if you come with me.
- Nope. That is not part of...
Wait a minute.
That is actually a great idea,
because if I go and
I see that they
do laugh at you...
- Yeah.
We can start looking at
alternate career options.
Because you do not need to
spend the rest of your life
waiting for a man to call.
Oh, excuse me.
Is that Fred?
- No. Keith.
He's a co-worker who just told
me that he's in love with me.
Oh, my God.
See? I told you.
It's so easy to find
someone to fuck,
and he loves you,
so it's great!
You just fuck this, Keith,
and then you and your
husband will be even for real.
You can't
make me fuck him!
That's just too much of a pact.
Oh, please don't be sad.
We'll find someone for you to
fuck that you like.
Maybe we'll meet someone
special at the audition.
down from the waist,
they are centaurs,
though woman all above.
Don't even think about it.
but to the girdle
do the gods inherit,
beneath all are fiends
there's hell, there's
sulfurous, there's the pit
burning, scalding,
stench, consumption!
Fie! Fie!
Phones off!
Just pick it up anywhere.
Anywhere at all.
Keith, can't talk.
say 'aye' and 'no' to every...
Why do we need a breakfast meeting?
We can cover that campaign at the office.
No, we don't need
alone time, Keith.
when the rain came...
Could we have silence, please?
- Sorry.
Goodbye. Don't call back.
the wind to make me chatter...
and the thunder would not
peace at my bidding.
there...
I'm just gonna put it on vibrate, okay?
- Yeah.
there, I smelt them out.
Next!
What shall Cordelia do?
Love and be silent. Oop!
Then poor Cordelia!
And yet not so, since I am sure
that my love is more richer
than my mouth.
Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing, my lord.
nothing shall come of
nothing, speak again!
They are so much
better than me.
unhappy that I am,
I cannot heave my heart...
You can't be as bad as that.
You really think so?
Sure.
Some people are born
with more talent, but
it's not rocket science.
It's just pretending.
You're pretty.
And you're...
Pretty.
Any no-talent idiot that works hard
is bound to be better than that.
Wow!
If my family had given me that
kind of encouragement,
my whole life
would be different.
those duties back as I as
are fit, obey you, love you...
I'd be the one sleeping next
to Brad Pitt right now.
why have my sisters husbands,
if they say they love you all?
happily, when I shall wed...
That lord whose hand...
What? Keith, what?
What? No. No.
It's not great news that my husband
is in love with another woman.
No, I don't think that's how
God answers prayers.
I must have silence!
I'm sorry.
So young.
Oh, my god.
So young and so untender?
Thank you. Thank you.
That will be all. Thanks.
Stop. Stop!
Next.
Where am I?
Fair daylight?
I am mightily abused.
What's this play
about anyway?
I should even die with pity,
to see another thus.
I will not swear these
on my hands.
Oh, it's my husband.
- Let me talk to him.
I don't know what to say.
- Let me talk to him.
Why?
I'll tell him what a bastard he
is for cheating on a saint like you.
Give me the phone.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, I can't talk right now.
No, not because I'm in
bed with someone.
Not yet.
I know I'm not at home.
So what? You go out all the time.
Why can't I go out sometimes?
not an hour more...
No. I did not agree to
have dinner with you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You said, 'let's have dinner.'
and I said, I don't know what
I said, but it wasn't 'yes.'
I am not with my lover.
No, I'm definitely not naked!
You cannot tell by my
voice that I'm naked.
Okay. Why should I?
You don't tell me everywhere you go.
Why should I tell
you where I go?
No, please don't say
that you love me!
Because!
I don't believe you anymore,
and I am so sick of your lies!
No. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I like your lies.
Bring on the lies.
What?
Because I didn't know that life
was this shitty little nasty thing
and I don't want to know!
So just spoon me full of ice cream
and tell me...
That love lasts forever.
And that all dreams
come true.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Just like my mom. Aha.
Hello, dementia.
I'm over here.
What?
No. No.
Don't... Shut up!
Just shut up! I am not
the love of anyone's life
and this is not about
who I'm fucking!
You're hired!
The audacity of it!
Just bursting into character!
I hadn't even thought
about a woman playing Lear.
I'm sorry, but I...
- She wants top billing.
And the whole
businessperson look, I like it.
She gets to keep the wardrobe.
That's a deal-breaker.
The corporate empire is
collapsing.
Lear is reduced to begging
on Wall Street.
The madness of capitalism!
- You don't... - She loves your ideas!
You have to suck up to the director.
You're young for the part,
but that's been done before.
Laurence Olivier played it at 39,
Gielgud at 26,
and people had their children much
younger in Shakespeare's day.
So, so, so... Should they
still be daughters or sons?
And who should play the fool?
Speciality.
Thank you, yes! Yes!
And, of course, I want to thank God.
Thank you.
I have a part in a play!
Shakespeare!
Does the fool has lots of lines?
You're gonna be nice and busy.
I want to play with my new
best friend. You can't quit.
And you have to do
whatever I say.
I thought that...
Mainly it was gonna be me
telling you what to do.
I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm...
better equipped to have information.
and, in this case,
I'm a big bitcher, pig bicture.
Big... Kind of person.
But you were so right.
I haven't thought about Paul...
For the last 20 minutes.
I haven't gone 20 minutes
without thinking about him
since the first time
he kissed me.
Do you want to hear
about our first kiss?
It was like the
best first kiss ever.
Maybe another time.
- Okay.
I really, really want to
kiss him right now.
Do you really think I
should not call him?
I'm sure.
Absolutely.
Start thinking about the play,
learning all the lines.
Well, maybe tonight when the
wicked witch of the west is
brushing her yucky teeth,
he will call me.
It just seems so strange.
You've always brushed
your teeth before bed.
Can't we just go to sleep?
Is...
his penis bigger than mine?
No, no.
It's an amazing coincidence.
They're exactly the same size.
You've measured them?
Why won't you tell me what you
were doing last night?
You wouldn't believe me
if I told you.
Oh, I'll be home late,
again, tonight.
Who is he?!
It's the office.
I better take it.
Well, you're heading out.
We'll talk later.
Oh, no. I'll wait for you
to finish your call.
You don't have to wait.
- I don't mind.
Go ahead - take it.
Where'd I leave the notes
on that audit?
I think they're upstairs.
This is Paul.
Damn it.
I got to work late tonight.
Yeah?
I'll talk to you later.
Who was that?
We need to talk.
No.
I'm not having the talk, okay?
You're not telling me you're
leaving me for another man.
Sit down.
I can't keep this up.
So... There is no other man.
Yeah, right. Well, then who
keeps calling you, then?
Just a... friend.
Just a friend. Okay.
What does that mean? Huh?
That you've seen him but you
haven't had sex yet?
Madelyn.
How far have you gone?
And where did you do it? Huh? Here?
Upstairs, in our home?
In our bed?
Why does the thought of someone else
wanting me suddenly make me irresistible?
I should go.
What's your hurry? Huh?
Is he somebody you work with?
I would like to think that if
I were having an affair,
it would be with someone
more interesting
than the men
with whom I work.
So help me god, if that's
him, I'll kill him.
It can't be him.
He doesn't exist!
Oh, fuck!
I knew I should have spent
more on the flowers.
It was so unexpected.
The phone just rang,
and it was Paul.
I would have called you to see
if I should see him or not, but
he was in such a hurry, and
really, I mean, I have to see
him again someday, right?
It's not like our paths will
never cross again and
we could be really old and, "Oh, my God.
You were the love of my life."
So, he's coming
over here tonight.
Is it okay if I have sex with him?
If he called you, sure.
Yeah. Okay.
But if you called him... I
know you didn't, but if you had,
that would be different.
It would?
You wouldn't want to be a
home wrecker, would you, Lucy?
Okay, see you at
rehearsal tonight.
If you're not too busy.
Is this...
I'm confused.
Oh, my god.
Yellow roses?
His favorite?
My god.
I knew something was up.
This morning he was singing.
He only sings when he's happy.
I went online to check the
credit card, a florist,
but I had no idea.
My husband is gay?!
In my heart, I knew it.
I knew it the first
time we had sex.
Wait. Your husband is the one
who sent my wife flowers?
You have a wife?
He isn't gay?
Oh. Well, who is she?
Madelyn Reed.
Rings a bell,
but just a tinkle.
Do you have a photo?
Yeah.
That Madelyn?!
My husband is Keith Halbertson.
I knew it was a co-worker.
Don't tell her you know.
She'll just deny it.
And we need proof so that we can
soak them in the divorce.
Wait. Well...
What do we know?
Do you think they've slept
together yet, or...
Did we catch
them in time?
He... He calls her in the
middle of the night.
Oh, shit!
Just shit, shit, shit.
I don't mean to be rude,
but I was just heading out.
How can they do this to us? Don't they
know how much they're hurting us?
Have they no morals?
To perform such
an act of cruelty, of...
selfishness, of lust,
a sin against good people
who promised 'for better
of worse, till death do you part,'
who'd look after them if they
had cancer or they went blind or...
or who would give
them a kidney.
What kind of scum
would do that?
Sneak around, lie,
have sex for kicks just
'cause they were bored?
My God.
There is nothing more
disgusting than infidelity.
Don't you agree?
I must love you.
And sue to know you better.
Sir, I shall study...
Deserving.
He hath been out nine years,
and away he shall again.
Ah, the king is coming.
The king is coming.
Your line.
Oh... Can you carry on
without me?
You're Lear.
Oh, I know.
Can I speak to you in private?
We have no secrets here.
We are a team.
One for all and all for one.
Team! Hurrah!
- Okay.
Well, I know you're depending
on me to play Lear,
because, well, I mean,
all the other Lears sucked.
And I'm usually very reliable,
and I'm usually sober, but,
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
We believe in you.
We believe in you.
Okay.
What I mean is that I'm going
through something right now
with someone you know, and if
you only knew what it was,
you would
understand, okay?
And everything that I had...
everything,
everything is suddenly just gone!
You know, kaput! Pow!
And it's all been replaced
by madness.
Hold that feeling.
Why would I hold it?
It hurts.
You're so lucky.
You're already there.
Shh! She's coming.
Okay, don't say
anything that I said.
Did I say anything? Okay,
just act natural, act natural.
You're actors.
You know how to do that.
Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
What happened?
- He didn't come.
I guess he loves
his wife more.
I don't know how I'd get through
this without you.
I adore subtext.
She needs a script.
Thank you.
Aren't you gonna answer that?
- No.
What does that mean?
- It means I'm asleep.
Did you split up with him?
- He doesn't exist.
I know more than
you think I know.
I'll answer it. I'll tell the bastard what
I think of him fucking my wife.
Hold it.
What?!
Hey.
I called the pastor for
you. He's on his way.
I don't really want to...
Speak to a complete stranger.
I'm sure he'll make you feel better.
He's a lot of fun.
He did card tricks at the
christmas party.
Well, in that case,
I think I'll just head down the hall and
get some coffe and make some phone calls.
If he does show up, tell him not
to wait around on my account.
Thanks for taking care of her.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I haven't turned
this thing off, day or night,
for the past two years,
just in case I got the call.
I got the call.
Me too.
Mother or father?
- Mother.
You?
Father.
Last one?
Yeah.
It's...
It's scary.
Why? We've been the
adults for a long time.
Maybe because we're next.
Do I feel more mortal? Yes, but,
little, little, little, too, you know?
Huh.
- Like a kid who can't go home
when she screws up because
home just died in her sleep.
Dad, I need money.
Mom, I quit school.
Dad, could you explain
women to me?
Mom, he broke my heart.
Those... were the days.
You?
- Oh, yes, please.
Favorite memories?
When I was 30,
I'd had a really bad miscarriage.
I had really wanted kids.
And everybody was saying
the right things,
you'll have other chances,
cheer up.
my husband said,
he was trying
to make me feel better,
he said, maybe we should
just save enough money
for a down payment first.
And I thought I had to say
all that same kind of crap.
So then, my mother came
to visit me in the hospital,
and, I said,
"I'll be fine."
and she just climbed up
onto my hospital bed
and held me and
just let me cry and cry.
That's my mom.
Wow.
You?
Well...
I decided on my 16th birthday
that I was gonna quit high school
and just hitchhike
all over South America
and nobody was gonna stop me.
Now, suddenly, I'm the
coolest guy in the school,
where I was
not popular at all.
I went home, and I'm packing up
everything in my backpack in my room.
My old man walks in.
He says, You know,
you can tell them
I wouldn't let you.
And I thought, how did he know?
I mean, I was petrified.
And I said, Dad, they're just gonna say,
'you should have gone anyway.
He said, Then you tell them,
I'll break every bone in your
body if you go.
This man had never even
laid a finger on me.
So I went back to school the
next day, and I said, my dad
stormed into my room with his
belt out, threatening to beat me
to a pulp if I dared...
He saved my honor.
What do you think is
happening to them?
You mean, like,
where are they?
Right now?
Right now.
- Or is this it?
It's over, the only
chance you get.
What do you like best
about being alive?
Less and less.
No, really, I mean, maybe
this is how it works.
If you're lucky and
you die old,
that your life has just become
so disappointing and so lonely,
so loveless, so empty,
so achy-breaky painful, that when
death finally does come along,
you say...
Where have you been?
Oh, come on. You're just
saying that to cheer me up.
But come on.
Give up spiked whiskey coffee
and nursing-home
waiting rooms?
Ice cream.
I like ice cream.
Wind.
I like, I love windy days.
Well, kisses.
Not, you know, kiss-kiss,
'see you later' kiss, but kisses like...
Like...
Like the first time you ever
kiss somebody.
You know? Kisses.
When was our last first kiss?
And did we even know
it was our last?
Then our first kisses were
gone forever.
I just had drunk sex with a stranger
in a nursing-home waiting room.
What do you do after
sex with a stranger
in a nursing-home...
waiting room?
I know. It's kind of...
Awkward.
Well, we're gonna have to...
Have to see each other again -
breakfast or something,
otherwise it'll be the most
surrealist experience of our lives.
Well, it would have some
competition for me.
Now, I've got a-a busy day.
I've got a funeral to plan.
Oh, shit. So do I.
Do you have any recommendations
on people who work...
I think, I'm gonna
use... Amberson's.
That's where I buried my dad.
- Amberson's?
Amberson's on Hunter?
- Yes. Yeah.
Maybe I'll see you there.
That is potent stuff. I mean,
I'm actually gonna, grab a cab,
leave my car here.
Do you want to share a cab?
No. No, thanks.
I just, I have phone calls
to make and...
I'll just... stay.
Okay.
Well...
Thanks. Bye.
- Thanks.
Don't say thanks.
- No, no.
I told you it'd be easy.
- I didn't even ask his name.
A complete stranger.
I love sex like that.
You had me at 'hello.'
Oh, and now you and your husband
can stay married, 'cause you'll be even.
I don't even know why I'm
doing the things I'm doing.
I don't know why
I just told you that
but who else would
I admit it to?
Well, you told me 'cause that's
what best friends do, right?
Uh, yeah.
And I have something to confess.
Paul didn't call me yesterday
morning. I called him.
You could tell, right?
Wow. You know me so well.
That's why I've always
wanted a best friend.
But he did call me today.
- He... called you today?
His mother-in-law died, so
now the 'wife' really needs him.
The wife.
How long do you
think he has to wait
until he tells her
he's leaving her?
Two weeks?
Well, I don't know that there's a
set time for that kind of thing.
Maybe I can google it.
But wouldn't it be great if he
came to the opening night?
And my dream is coming true,
I'm an actress!
Google it?
We that are young shall
never see so much
nor live.
So long.
We made it all the way to the
end of the play!
I can't believe I only fell off
the stage once.
Oh, it was twice.
That was...
That was...
That was...
So horrible.
So, so horrible!
Except for my star.
Bless you.
All of you were bad!
But then...
there was you.
Yeah. What was that
thing you did
when Lear says,
Oh, ho! 'tis foul?
You have no talent whatsoever.
Not a single drop.
You are a talentless void!
An empty pit of ineptitude!
Well, Madelyn says life is
not about talent.
Life is about working hard and
getting better bit by bit.
So I just have to keep trying.
And trying.
And trying.
You were great. Do you want
to hang out at my place?
I got to go home to Fred.
You can say it.
I should give up acting.
Maybe...
We shoud go hang out.
Court holy water indoors is
so much better than this
rainwater out of doors.
Good nuncle, ask thy daughters
forgiveness, for here's a...
something pities...
something...
night.
- I couldn't even do easy acting.
You know what?
I only got the commercial 'cause
I have nice breasts. See?
Lucy, come on now.
Take it from the top.
And this time remember,
it's night.
She's cold. - I'm never gonna
get it right. - Just keep at it.
How long is it gonna take?
Years! It's too hard.
Lucy, you were so happy
when you thought that you
were going to be a real actress.
I'm not happy now,
so I give up.
No. I decide, and
you're not giving up.
Now, come on.
Take it from the top.
Think about the words.
Fuck!
So you stayed out all night. That's great.
- Thank you so much for coming.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not as stupid as you
think I am, okay?
Thank you so much for coming.
- She will be missed.
Thank you so much for coming.
I know who he is, Madelyn.
Thank you so much for coming.
It was her time.
- We have a time?
Oh, yes.
I believe that.
That's nice for you.
- I fucking know who he is.
This is a blessing.
- Really?
She's out of her misery now.
But... no more ice cream.
Thank... Oh, Keith and, your wife.
I didn't expect you.
Of course you didn't, but I
wouldn't have missed
this for the world.
Really?
Oh, Madelyn, Madelyn.
Oh, my goodness.
Okay.
If you need anything... anything,
you have my number.
Call me day or night.
We... will do anything we can.
But I'm sure what you most need
right now is time with your husband.
For this to happen to you
now, of all times.
But just remember, God doesn't
give us any more than we can carry.
Oh, God has some formula
where he can calculate exactly
how much pain to inflict
on each individual?
Isn't it interesting that things
that are supposed to be
mindlessly comforting are
really, really horrible,
you know, when you
think about it?
That's my Madelyn -
no bullshit. I love it.
Come on. Come on.
Give me another hug. Come on.
Take as much
time off as you need.
That doesn't mean we don't
miss you at the office.
We miss you so much.
- Well...
Speaking of 'no bullshit,' you
know, everybody's mother dies.
What is the big deal here?
Lydia! Show some respect,
for Christ's sake.
The old lady's lying dead in
that box over there.
Thank you so much for coming.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be,
world without end.
Now, I'm sure Margaret's
daughter would like to share
some memories of
her beloved mother.
Madelyn?
Would you like to say
a few words?
Well... I guess...
I didnt realy have
anything prepared.
I keep expecting her to walk
through the door and say, Hi.
Hi!
- Hi!
What can I say?
She's in a better place.
Her time... has come.
She lived a good life.
Oh, ye are men of stones.
Had I your eyes
and tongues, I'd use them to crack...
Heaven's vaults.
She's gone forever.
I know when one is dead and
when one lives.
She's dead...
As earth.
Keith always said you were
very good at your job, but
I didn't realize you
were such a talker.
Excuse me.
I am so sorry.
How are you? Are you okay?
Is there anything I can do?
- Yes. - Okey.
Do you have the time to go
someplace with me? - Yeah.
Want to duck in the coatroom
and have a quick go?
Death, be not proud.
No. I have another idea.
You better come over.
Hello.
I'm just gonna pop out and,
get some ice cream with...
I don't know your name.
Derek.
Derek.
- Derek.
Derek, this is my
husband, Paul.
Husband?
Paul.
Derek.
And you're...
Madelyn.
- Madelyn.
I'm Keith.
- Keith. - I'm Lydia.
Lydia. I hope I don't have to
remember all these.
Nice to meet you all.
- See you later.
Is that the undertaker?
- I don't think so.
This is really good.
Good ice cream.
It is. It is.
Oh, my God.
I got to go.
I'm gonna be late
for rehearsal.
I'm in a play.
Wait, wait.
What?
You're an actress?
No, no, no.
I'm just... this is just something
that my husband's girlfriend
wanted me to do.
Your husband's girlfriend
wanted you to...
It's not as bonkers
as that sounds.
Yes, it is.
What's the play?
King Lear.
I play Lear.
I've got to go.
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You can't just...
Wait, wait, wait.
You can't just walk off like that.
You're starring in King Lear.
You're one in a billion.
If you only knew.
Listen, if you're free,
tomorrow night's
my dad's funeral.
It should be a rockin' good time.
It should be.
Will you join me?
I don't think that I can.
I just don't.
I'm sorry.
That's all right. I've been
turned down by lesser women.
I know what I want it
to say on my grave!
He slept with King Lear.
So farewell to you both.
- Prescribe not us our duties.
Let your study
be to content your lord
who hath received you
at fortune's alms.
You have...
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm sick of people waltzing in
here whenever they feel like it.
You better have one hell of a
good reason for being late.
Well, what is it?
You're wearing black.
Let's hope somebody died.
It's a tragedy,
everybody dies.
That's why I prefer
comedies, happy endings.
Kisses.
We're waiting, Lucy.
Oh, nuncle, court holy water
indoors is so much better
than this rainwater out of doors.
Good nuncle, in ask thy
daughter's forgiveness.
Here's a night pities neither
wise men nor fool.
That's...
That is a remarkable
improvement.
Damn, I'm such a good director.
We should celebrate,
go out to dinner.
Today I ran into the stranger that
I had drunk sex with. - Okey.
My job is not yet done.
I officially forbid you from
seeing a guy you had sex with
when you didn't know each
other's names.
One day it's the hottest sex you
ever had, and the next day it's,
you play the accordion!
Really, it doesn't work.
- That's what I thought.
That's what you, we're
starting to think alike?
Isn't that great?
Let me try it.
Okay, so what would
you say if I told you
I really felt like calling
Paul and asking him,
Hey, how was your
mother-in-law's funeral?
You'd say... - Yes.
- What? - Call him.
Call him?
- Yes. Call him.
Funerals - that's the time when we
start thinking about our own lives
time slipping away,
'if only', 'if only'...
wouldn't it be nice to finally
know what's in his heart?
Yeah, but I don't know.
To me, it just seems...
a little bit rude.
Won't they be sharing snacks and
memories about the dead lady?
You'll know the truth.
Don't you want to finally know the truth?
Yeah.
Do it.
- Okay.
Okay.
He's not picking up. Hi.
What do I say?
What do you want
to say to him?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm here.
Sorry.
I'm just calling you...
I just want you to know
that I love you.
What happened?
He said, Jesus Christ. Leave
me alone. I'm a married man.
He loves his wife.
Are you going to be all right?
I'll be okay.
All right!
We've been through so much
together, I forgot how we met.
I'm not gonna kill myself when I
just landed a juicy role.
Shakespeare.
And I think I can do
a really good job at it.
And I'll become a star.
And he'll spend the rest
of his life missing me.
I'm okay.
So, who was the
man at the funeral,
and what have you been
doing with him for six hours?
You're not quite yourself, are you?
- That's true.
I don't know that I owe anybody
an explanation, but,
for the record, that man's dad died
the same night as my mother, and
we got to... talking.
And today I felt like he was the only
one who understood what I was feeling.
Oh, and how long has this
been going on?
Yes. You've been a busy girl.
I swear I met him for the
first time the night my mom died.
I said that Madelyn wouldn't
have sex with a man
whose name she didn't know.
She's no cheap slut,
for Christ's sake.
Wait, wait.
So Lydia was right.
He's not the one you've
been sleeping with?
What are you talking about?
- You bet I'm right.
Why are they even here?
Hard to get rid of.
You might think you're so smart,
but we know everything.
Oh, surely not.
Yes. We do.
The phone calls, the late nights that
all started before your mother died.
We said we'd keep it secret till we
had proof, but I've had enough.
We know you two
are having an affair!
No, we're not!
I didn't even know she wanted an affair.
- I...
You should have told me.
Though I know what
you were up to.
Oh, no.
Wait. Listen, please.
Can we just not
get into all that?
I buried my mother today.
Yellow roses!
On our credit card.
Yes, I sent her flowers because
her mother was dead, well, was dying.
Right?
Yes. Sure. Right. I told Keith
that my mother was dying.
You never told me that.
Because you were
busy being audited.
So... The man at the
funeral's dad died and
and Keith sent me flowers
because my mother was dying.
Questions all answered?
Great.
Good night.
- Wait. I have a question.
I am so tired, Paul.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Because I love you, and I want
to know if our marriage can be saved.
Ask your question.
If it's not Keith and it's not
the man at the funeral,
who is it that calls you
in the middle of the night?
Do you really want to save
this marriage?
More than anything.
Then let's talk in the morning.
Lucy!
Lucy!
Oh, Paul, I missed you so much!
- Stop it. Get off.
How did you get her number? Huh?
I was so careful.
I didn't even tell you her name.
What? - Did you look at my
phone when I was sleeping?
How dare you do that!
What are you talking about?
- I know what you've been doing, Lucy.
You know about the play?
- Oh, stop playing games.
I know you've been
calling my wife.
Your wife?
- Oh, come on!
You might be an idiot,
but I'm not.
I checked her cell to see
who's been calling her.
What did I find, lucy?
Huh?
Your number!
I've never called
your wife.
Again and again.
When she's at work, in the
middle of the night...
In the middle of the...
What's your wife's name?
You know my wife is Madelyn Reed.
Why else would you be calling her?
But your last name is Jefferson.
She uses her own name.
Look, and will you stop trying
to come up with some excuse?
What? Like, you're just
randomly calling some woman
who happens
to be my wife. Jesus!
Why else would you be calling
her countless fucking times?
We're friends.
Come on!
Really.
But I'm telling you the truth!
- Oh, sure. Absolutely.
You just happened by sheer chance
to become best buddies with my wife.
She must have seen us
the day we had the fight.
She said she followed me home,
but she never, never told me
she was your wife.
We made a pact.
She had to do whatever I told
her, and I've been doing...
Jesus. Okay, you have lost your mind.
This is like some fucking
fatal attraction here.
Never call my wife again!
You understand?
And never call me or
I'll phone the police.
I'm gonna go home and just pray
to God my wife forgives me.
I'm sure she will.
I mean, after all, she
cheated on you, too...
With that guy she met
a couple of nights ago.
She saw him again yesterday.
What's his name?
Oh, right.
She doesn't know his name.
You know about him?
She tells me everything.
She said she didn't
have sex with him.
And what did she tell you about
her co-worker Keith?
Keith? She said she didn't have
sex with him either.
Really?
I can't believe you did that.
Lovely home. You're gonna miss it.
You do not play me like a game.
Yeah, I cheated on you, Madelyn,
but you know what?
Now I realize why I took up with Lucy
because deep down I sensed
you were already cheating on me.
What?!
Don't give me any more of your lies!
Lucy told me everything.
Oh, everything?
- Oh, yeah. And I'm not just talking about
the stranger you
had sex with, Madelyn.
My god, you didn't even
know his name!
I know all about Keith, too.
Keith?
I know you've been sleeping
with him for over a year.
Yeah. Just hoping I'd have an affair
so that you can get a
better divorce settlement.
Well, it's not gonna happen,
Madelyn! Okay?
I'm fighting you for everything!
- Okay.
Absolutely out of your mind.
Here. There you go.
I'll pack that.
Take these.
You can have someone to clean up
after yourself, pack your pillow
so you can snore all you
want with Lucy!
What do you mean, Madelyn's not coming?
- Well, I'm not certain,
but I'd be very surprised if
she showed up.
Is she ill?
- No.
Could you call her?
- No. I'm not calling her.
But we need our Lear.
- Can't you find someone else?
No, you can't just have
anybody play Lear.
We'll have to cancel the play.
She seemed so reliable!
What happened?
Well, she's not even an actress.
I'm the actress. I'm the one
that has the right to be here.
And frankly, she was here
just for one reason,
she had this scheme to distract me
so I'd forget about the man I love.
Would that be her husband?
Yeah.
- I thought so.
Perhaps we could call her husband.
Presumably, you have his number.
He could tell us where she is.
- No, he could not.
He's living with me now.
Now I understand.
Are you sure that
Madelyn is all right?
If her husband left her today,
for you, presumably she'd be upset.
We've all read the tragedies.
Oh, no! She wouldn't.
I don't think so.
- You don't think.
Knock harder.
- Do it again. - Is she hurt?
I think we should call the police.
Seriously?
- Oh! Thank God.
Come on.
Thank god you're here.
I don't know what we would
have done if you hadn't been home.
Are you all right?
Of course. I'm fine.
Well, when we heard what
happened, we...
It's just life.
50% of marriages
end up in divorce.
And everybody's mother dies.
To tell you the truth, I'll be
glad to get rid of this house.
I swear I've spent the last 10
years doing housework.
I just...
Need a day to deal with it.
Then you'll be at
rehearsal tomorrow?
No.
I'm not doing the play.
You can't quit!
If you quit, they have to cancel.
I don't know how much
she's told you.
Everything.
Oh, well, then you know we
can't be on the stage together.
I can if she can.
I'll get some coffee.
You shouldn't be drinking
alcohol is a depressant.
Well, and if we have to choose,
we'd rather get rid of Lucy than you.
Definitely.
Look, I know this isn't
the best time,
but I wouldn't ask you to
do this if I didn't believe
it was the best thing for you...
I don't want to disappoint
everybody, but... I'm exhausted.
I mean, maybe if I was
their age, you know...
No, no. If you were their age, you
wouldn't understand the part.
Gielgud was a horrible Lear at 26.
That's the best thing
about being old.
Look, you have learned so
much more about life
love never works out,
we're all going to... die.
So you can finally
play the juicy roles.
Well, men can.
Please don't make us cancel it.
I memorized all my lines!
My grandmother's already
paid for her plane ticket.
It's only three weeks till
opening night.
Yeah, and the play will
probably close after the first night.
Yes. We've only sold 17 tickets.
Look, I know this might
mean nothing to you, but
it's the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
Three weeks.
Wonderful, wonderful!
Look, you take today to do
whatever it is that you need to
do, and we'll see you tomorrow.
I promise this is
just what you need.
Oh, I'm so happy.
You get some sleep.
Are you eating?
You have to take
care of yourself.
And if you need anything,
anything at all,
you just let us know, all right?
We did it!
I can't believe it!
It's so wonderful!
You remember the day we met,
you told me,
If you give yourself a little time,
an impulse will go away?
Yes.
Now go away.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I was... just a...
waiting for someone
I thought might... show up.
Taxi dropped this
off for you, sir.
Thank you.
Other way.
Lion face. Mouse face.
Lion face. Release the jaw.
And shake it out.
Shake it out.
No, no, no. She's a
C.E.O.'s daughter, not a hooker.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
It's five minutes to places.
Let's go out there and
make magic tonight.
Magic!
No, just a little closer.
that's my motivation.
They look good.
- You're making me really uncomfortable.
Lear, Lear, Lear, Lear!
Go, Shakespeare!
It's time.
Are you still worried about
your acting abilities?
I think you've proved that
they're pretty good.
Let's just get on with it, okay?
Do you still love him?
- Fuck off.
Do you miss him?
- Fuck off!
We were married for
a long time, Lucy.
We shared each other's lives.
My mother's gone, I'm about to
lose my home, and the only thing
that's gotten me through these
last few weeks is this play, and
we're just about to be laughed
off the stage.
So don't expect me to make
you feel better, okay?
It's all Madelyn this and
Madelyn that.
What?
I knew he didn't love me.
I just wanted to get back
at you for tricking me.
So let's hope you were right
when you said I could do better.
Tonight I'll tell him the truth.
I'll tell him you never slept
with that guy you work with.
And I'll tell him you didn't
sleep with the other one, too.
I mean, only married people
think one fuck matters anyway.
We're starting!
I get it...
Why you would hate the woman
who's trying to steal your husband.
I get it.
But then why...
Why did you help me?
Because I started to like you.
Just remember, this entire
play is resting on your shoulders.
Now relax.
The queen is coming.
Go.
Attend the lords of...
of... France,
Burgundy, Gloucester.
- I shall, my liege.
Meantime...
Meantime, we shall express our
darker purpose. Give me the map there.
Know that we have divided
in three our kingdom, and
'tis our fast intent to shake all cares
and business from our age,
conferring them on younger
strengths while we, unburdened,
crawl toward death.
I did her wrong.
Can't you tell me how an
oyster make his shell?
No. - Nor I neither, but I can tell
you why a snail has a house. - Why?
Why, to put her head in it, not
to give it away to her daughters
and leave her horns
without a case.
I shall forget my nature,
so kind a mother.
Be my cars ready?
- Thy asses are gone about them.
To take it again, perforce!
Monster ingratitude!
If thou were my fool,
I'd have thee beaten...
For being old before thy time.
- How is that?
Thou shouldst not have been
old till thou hadst been wise.
You see me here, you Gods,
an old woman, full of grief as age
wretched in both.
If it be you that stir these
daughters' hearts against their mother,
fool not to bear it tamely.
Touch me with noble anger, and
let not women's weapons, water drops,
stain my cheeks.
No, you unnatural hags,
I will have such revenges on you both
that all the world shall...
I will do such things, yet I
know not what I will do, but
they shall be the terrors
of the earth.
You think I'll weep?
No. I'll not weep.
I have full cause of weeping.
But this heart shall break into
a hundred thousand
pieces or ere I'll weep.
Singe my head!
Auntie, court holy water
indoors is much better than
this rainwater out of doors.
And that all-shaking thunder,
strike.
Here's a night pities neither
wise man nor fool.
With a heigh-ho, the wind and
the rain must make content with
his fortunes fit, for the rain,
it raineth every day.
Never, never.
Never, never.
Do you see this?
Look upon her.
Look her lips.
Look there.
Look there.
There.
Bravo!
Bravo!
Let's do another one.