If Lucy Fell (1996) Movie Script
Another wish didn't work out
Another nothing
we can scream about
All fall down.
Wake up, please, sir.
It's calendar day.
Mmm, Lucy.
Forget about calendar day.
All fall down.
Wrong answer, Dick.
She's so tall
with her hands up
I'm so small
whenever she's around
Someday soon
I'm gonna tell her but
I'm not twenty-one
Another dream didn't work out
So you found a way
to let it out
All fall down.
What are you doing?
It's calendar day. Wake up.
What time is it?
She's gone already, Joe.
One more wasted day.
Not true, Devil Girl!
All fall down
Come on, baby, be there. Come on, Janey.
Come on, baby.
Please, sweetheart.
She's probably got
some gorgeous man's face
in an unspeakable place.
Oh, Lucy, come on. Come on.
Yeah, hello.
My girlfriend Jane.
So who...
What's that, right there?
What's goin' on?
Oh, that's, uh...
That's... That's nothing.
That's... That's just
her brother.
That's her, uh... That's her...
That's her gay brother.
What's her gay brother
doing to her?
Because I, I don't have my glasses.
I can't see.
Oh, my god.
Why, that's just... Oh.
I mean, that should be illegal.
You just can't have naked
men wandering around.
That's just disgusting.
So, Joe,
don't you think
that this, this painting
you've done of Jane here
in the kitchen
is a tad incomplete?
That there might... Joe?
Okay. I, I can't really hear
any assholes talking!
And if she, and if she
comes again and scares me
I'm gonna conjure up
a prayer to be stronger.
Okay, Dick.
Rise and shine, and leave.
Come on, Lucy.
It's Saturday. Let's snuggle.
Come on, dick.
Here's $5, all right?
I'm so small
whenever she's around.
Go buy yourself
a nice breakfast.
She's so tall
with her hands up
Al.
My best friend! I love you!
I love you!
Joe! Get the hell off me.
I'll be right back.
Dick, Richie, Rich, Ricardo.
Joe, have you seen my shoe?
Have I seen your shoe? No.
Come on, Lucy,
man, let's do this.
You all dressed?
Uh... Well, my, my shoe.
Oh, you can get it next time.
You are too brutal, Lucy.
Give the guy a break.
Bye, Dick. Have a nice time.
I'll call you.
You know,
you're doin' it again.
What am I doing?
Mushing my head out the door.
Could you not
mush my head out the door?
I wasn't mushing you.
You were leaving.
I can't take this anymore.
Lucy, I want you to decide.
After two and a half years
of sleeping with you,
uh, goin' to dinner,
um, uh,
not seein' anyone else,
meeting families,
I think I... I... I think I may
have given you a ring at one point?
Am I... Are we... Uh... Do...
Are we boyfriend and girlfriend, or no?
That's it.
Let me see.
Oh, Lucy.
Not the hug test again.
No, Dick.
What?
No.
Oh. I...
Bye, Lucy.
Goodbye.
Bye, Dick.
Missed a spot.
What is up with that guy, Lucy?
Dick? You know, Dick is Dick.
We're friends.
Listen, did you guys
used to, uh...
We used to.
Did you, uh...
Did you go down on him, or...
Sometimes.
Really?
Listen, I was wondering, do
guys like that better than...
Definitely.
Really? Absolutely.
You'd take that over that?
Any day of the week.
Huh.
Listen,
Does he have a, uh,
a big, uh...
Mmm. It's average.
Bigger than me?
Well, I don't know.
I've never...
Yeah, you have.
After I take a shower.
Yeah, but never in its full...
About 10.
Five.
No.
I said 10.
Five. Guys always double it.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
So if, uh...
If I had said, uh, six...
Three.
Really?
Mmm-hmm, three.
Jesus!
I know, uh... I know a lot
of guys that say six.
Three.
Joe?
Yes?
Remember that death pact
that we made in college?
Excuse me?
The death pact
that we made in college.
No.
That guy, Billy Gash,
had just dumped me,
and that girl
that you were so mad for,
she wouldn't even look at you,
talk to you or anything.
Her name was, um,
Betsy or, uh...
Belinda!
Belinda Slaughter. I was
completely in love with her.
She wouldn't even look at me.
I know.
I was devastated.
I know.
All right, Lucy.
What did we say?
That if, uh... If we didn't have
wonderful, intimate relationships
with serious familial possibilities
by the time you turned 30,
we would kill ourselves?
Yeah!
I am so happy to be an adult
and not have to suffer through
painful nights like that.
Yeah. That was pretty bad.
Can you believe that?
A death pact?
I know.
How old are you now,
anyway, Lucy?
What are you, like...
You're like, what, 26, 27?
Nope. 29.
When's your birthday?
It's like, uh, November 20th?
March 1st.
We have one month to go.
What?
Joe, we are two
disgruntled people,
dissatisfied
with our present lives.
Now, all I'm sayin' is that we should
kill ourselves to get ourselves going.
Okay, okay, Lucy? I'm going.
I don't need to die, okay?
I'm already going.
No, you're not going, Joe.
And neither am I.
The world is a scary place.
It's becoming painfully clear you're
the most scary thing in it...
Joe, Joe, listen to me. Listen.
We can't waste any more time.
You have to meet somebody
by the time that you're 30
so that you're together
for a few years,
so you know you have staying
power in the relationship
so you don't mess up
your children with divorce.
That makes you 33 by the time
you have your first kid,
which is the perfect age,
because then you don't hit menopause
until that child is at college.
Any other plan is a disaster, and
that's why we agreed on the pact.
Lucy, come on!
All right, we're coming.
Hold on.
You stay there, kids.
Now, we both believe in God and
reincarnation and all that stuff, right?
Yeah. Of course. Okay.
So why bother playing out
the rest of a sad life?
Divorce, unhappy children,
unrealized ambitions.
We're going to say, "If we don't hit
it in 28 days, we just end it."
Let God start fresh with us.
It's selfish of us
to think any other way.
Come on, Lucy! Come on!
Look, I don't want you kids listening to
her any longer. She's no longer stable.
Shut up, Joe.
Be quiet!
Thank you. Okay. Who's first?
Mmm, I think...
Eddy.
I like this guy Billy, but I'm
too afraid to talk to him.
Send him a note and tell
him exactly how you feel.
20 cents, please.
Oh, okay. I'll take
it in a second.
Okay. Let's see. Who might be next?
Sam, please.
I left a tooth under my pillow and the
tooth fairy only left me a quarter.
Okay. You go to your mother,
and you say,
"Mommy, if this is all
the tooth fairy can afford,
"I think she needs it
more than I do."
15 cents, please. Thank you.
I can't believe you take
money from these kids.
They like giving it to me. It
makes them feel like adults.
All right, kids. Class time.
You have therapy now?
Yes.
Thank God.
Come on, you little creeps!
Get in there!
Get in there, you nutty kids!
I have nothing to say.
Don't you think
that this whole process
is about getting to your
feelings of ambivalence?
Look, what I say isn't important.
It's what you say.
I'm sure that's what you think.
But I have nothing to say.
And I think we're out of time.
Ooh.
All right.
I might have something to say.
Well, maybe you can
say it next week.
Maybe.
Mmm.
Thanks, Lucy.
You've been a great help.
Uh, Picasso.
Molly.
Hmm.
People with heads
like water balloons
and eyes in the middle
of their faces?
Sweet. Very nice.
Oh. A tough one for our
little expert over there.
Gauguin. Emily.
That really gross guy who sent his
ear in the mail to his brother
and then he killed himself.
No that's close, though. That was
Van Gogh, Gauguin's best friend.
All right, listen. Pair up, all you little
munchkins, and, uh, start painting.
Come with me! Come with me!
I called again.
I can't believe I called again,
making my lover my authoritarian
parental scapegoat,
thus digressing in my analysis.
This clear, sort of Edwardian,
mystical martyrdom that I...
Did you just yawn?
Am I boring you?
Oh, well, I'm so sorry
my problems bore you, Lucy.
Yes, you do bore me, Ted.
This story of yours bores me. Every
week, for an hour, it's the same thing.
"I didn't want to call.
He made me feel like shit.
"It made me feel like shit,
but I called."
It bores me.
Well, it bores me, too!
This ultimate Faustian prison.
I want to stop. Why the hell
do you think I see you?
I don't know.
Maybe you're bored?
I look at the phone.
I stare at the phone.
Then I pick up the phone.
I feel I am the phone.
I'm imprisoned by the phone.
Therefore, I am a prison,
with the phone as my bars.
Where's your partner?
No?
Couldn't find a partner?
Man, I know how you feel.
I don't have a partner, either.
Do you wanna be my partner?
Really? Uh-huh.
You serious? Uh-huh.
All right.
What do you wanna paint?
A rainbow.
Yeah? Mmm-hmm.
All right.
Start with what?
A little red over here?
Who would...
A person could...
Oh, goodness. Who would leave
this phone here like this?
God!
Hi.
Hi.
How was class?
Okay.
Good.
Do you think you help
people in therapy, Lucy?
Well, I try.
I think it's possible.
The pain of these little kids
sometimes is, uh...
Just, uh, makes me sad.
Another
deep-painting-subject day?
Why do you always do that?
Why do you act flippant about
things that are important to me?
You've reconsidered
the death pact, I hope?
You are so afraid
that I may be right
you will not answer one
simple question, will you?
What I really hear you saying is that
you're frightened about something, Joe.
So, do you want
to tell me about it
or do you want to continue
to project your fears onto me?
I'm not projecting shit.
Why do you act flippant about
things that are important to me?
Well, I don't feel that I do.
Well, I'm telling you, you do.
Well, that's your perception.
It's not perception, Lucy.
You make me feel like shit
when you act like you don't care about
things that are important to me.
Period. That's how I feel.
That's no perception.
What, is this about Jane? Are
you having a crisis about Jane?
Because I could understand...
If I were celibate,
if I were saving myself
for five years for somebody.
If I was obsessing over
somebody for five years
and I didn't even have the
courage to speak to them,
I can imagine that I might be in a
bit of a crisis about this person.
You just have a glib little
response for everything, don't you?
You're, like, in this
little, protected shell.
You hide behind your smug, pseudo-intellectual,
you know, psycho-babble humor.
I mean, you wanna talk about being afraid, Lucy?
Why don't we talk about Dick?
Why don't we talk about two and a
half years of you hiding behind Dick,
a man that you don't
give a shit about,
you could care less
about how he feels,
and turned down
everything that's come along.
I mean, if you want to talk about
being afraid, Lucy, forget about me.
I mean, let's talk about you.
If everybody weren't afraid,
Joe, then nobody would know
how nice it feels to be safe.
All right, Lucy. 28 days.
I'm gonna talk to Jane.
You're gonna go out
with anyone that asks.
At the end of this month,
if nothing changes,
you and I jump off
the Brooklyn Bridge.
Fine.
Fine.
This is it. You take it.
I can't look at it.
Oh, my god!
All right. "The New York
City Board of Education
"is pleased to inform you that, having
met the necessary requirements...
"B.A. in Education."
Yeah, we have that.
"Recommendations, commitment of
enrolment." We have that already.
"Your application has
been accepted." Oh!
"Just answer the following questions,"
blah, blah... What questions?
They're tryin' to tell me that
they're gonna give us our school!
What are the questions, Joe?
What are the questions?
Uh, "What is your projected
teaching philosophy?"
Progressive but honest.
What, like teaching kids
how to kill themselves
if they don't have
boyfriends by 4th grade?
That's not fair. Taxi!
When do we actually get the
building to put our school in?
As soon as we get the money.
When do we get the money?
Right now. Simon. Excellent.
"Bwick Elias." Yeah, whatever.
How's Joe?
He's terrific. He's good.
He still infatuated with that woman
who lives across the street?
Mmm-hmm.
Did you hate
grade school, Daddy?
No. Did you?
Yeah.
Oh!
And actually, that's what I, I sort
of wanted to talk to you about.
See, I've really
been thinking a lot...
Well, actually, Joe and
I were talking about...
What?
Come on, Lucy. No, never mind.
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
Really, it's nothing.
You got your stuff in to Harvard, right?
Mmm-hmm, yeah.
Good.
Yeah.
You know, Mom used to
tell me that if I...
If I sat here on this mushroom
and I wished really hard,
that Alice would take me
to Wonderland with her.
Yeah? Yeah, but I would
get really discouraged.
I must have come here after
school every day for months,
and I would stand here and...
Actually, I'd sit right here,
desperately hoping,
you know, wishing.
Nothing. She never showed.
Then one day, this...
By the way, I have, um... I have
some mail for you at the house.
You know, they keep
sending it to my address.
Well, you can have it
forwarded to me.
Sure.
Well, it's great seeing you.
You look terrific, sweetheart.
Thanks.
I love you.
See you next week.
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Grabbed my favorite dress
But it's so ordinary
So I slashed my jeans
Yeah, yeah my hair's a mess
It's very arbitrary
Pass the scissors please
He said
"Baby, I think you need
a long vacation"
I said
"I think I need
a little levitation"
I'm the only one
I'm the only one
Spinning like the barrel
of a shotgun
I'm the only one
In an ordinary life
Fuck.
You're mine!
Any guy.
You look very pretty today.
Oh.
Thank you.
You look like an idiot.
Excuse me?
Savant!
I meant you looked
like an idiot savant.
I mean, I think you have, probably,
I believe, savantian qualities.
I think we all have savantian qualities.
I just...
May I take you
on a date tonight?
Food for thought.
Ooh! Gotta run.
Maybe I'll see you around. I...
Tomorrow night, 8:00?
Great.
Oh, fuck.
Okay, okay! Okay.
Fuck.
Hey, Al.
Good morning.
How you doin', buddy?
She's in there, right?
No, she's not in there.
Oh, come on. You saw her go in.
No, I didn't see her.
I'm gonna talk to her today.
Yeah, I heard that before.
You are my best friend, man.
Yeah, yeah. I love you.
Yeah. I love you too.
Yeah, yeah. Eat shit.
Okay, here we go. Good.
How you been?
Good. And you?
Fine. Long time no see you.
Uh, tell me something. Do you... Do
you reckon these things really work?
Just talk to her, man.
You gotta fuckin' talk to her!
What are these for? Ginseng.
They is for men.
What does it do for men?
You know.
Okay. What does it
do for women?
You just walk over,
and you talk to the woman.
Okay? It's not
a big production,
it doesn't have to be
all dramatic all the time.
You just walk over and you...
And you die.
You walk over and you die,
because you're so...
Here you go. See you.
Thanks, guys. Have a good one.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Hi!
It's bad.
"Hi!"
Shut up!
"Hi!"
Look, Lucy. Come on.
I said I'd kill myself up
here with you in three weeks,
the least thing you can do
is do my picnic thing.
I mean, we might as well get
used to the place, you know?
What if people see us?
I hate this, Joe.
I'm freezing. I'm very cold.
Lucy, I think if we jump, people are gonna see.
You know what I mean?
Hot chocolate? Thank you.
So you were telling me
that you spoke to Jane?
Uh, yes. I did.
Really? What'd she say?
Nothing. She had left
the deli already.
Oh, Joe.
Come on. It was close, Lucy.
Anyway, listen, I don't know what I was thinking.
I thought of a genius plan.
What's that?
I have an art opening.
I invite her. She comes.
She sees how huge I am.
She's mine.
Oh, that's very sweet.
You know me, baby.
This is nice.
Thank you.
It's pretty.
Joe?
Yeah?
Would you drink my spit?
Oh, come on! Can you just take your
weird survey somewhere else? Please.
Please answer the question.
All right. I'm gonna
answer your question,
but this is the last time I
ever want to talk about this.
The last time. Forever.
Okay. You swear?
All right, now, what
are you talking about?
You know Mother Teresa and the
missionaries, they drink the lepers' spit?
Yeah.
I was just wondering
if you'd drink mine.
Now, now, how would we actually do it, again?
I mean, you would just...
I would just open my mouth and
you'd just spit right in there?
Or would you spit in a cup and
I'd just drink it out of a cup?
No, no. I'd be, like...
You know, I'd pucker my lips, and I'd
gather the spit in my lips like this:
Like that, you know? And then you'd
kiss me, and you'd suck it up.
Um...
No, I don't think
I'd be interested in that.
Really? Yeah.
What, you don't love me enough?
Of course I love you.
It's not that.
But you, you don't really
want to kiss me.
You're gorgeous. I'd make
out with you right now.
I just don't wanna
drink your spit.
Well, when people kiss a lot, they
basically drink each other's spit.
I know.
But that, that's different.
That's involuntary
mutual spit exchange.
Huh.
I have a date tomorrow night.
What? I have a date
tomorrow night.
With who?
Just this really cute
idiot-savant guy I met.
What, he started...
He started talkin' to you?
Where? Like on the street
or something?
In a coffee shop.
And you liked him?
Mmm.
No, but you had to go out with
him 'cause of our death pact!
I told you
it would all work out!
I love this life! I love it!
Hi.
Hi.
Well, thanks
for walking me home.
Oh, please. It was my pleasure.
I had a wonderful time.
Yeah. It was fun.
So give me a call
next week or whatever.
I'd like that.
Good.
May I use your bathroom?
Sure. It's that door,
right behind you.
Thanks.
In sports, the Nuggets
just got by the Knicks, 114 to 112.
The Lakers had no hope
against the Rockets...
So tell me
about your date last night.
Well, he was very nice.
He was a perfect gentleman.
He took me to dinner and, and
dessert and cappuccino, and...
Then he walked me home, and...
Yeah?
And then, then...
Well, he went into the bathroom,
and he didn't come out
for a very long time.
He went into the bathroom,
and he didn't come out
for a very long time.
Huh.
Well, like, like how long? Like, like,
how long was he in there, like an hour?
Mmm, like 20 minutes.
Really?
All right. Go ahead, go ahead.
Come on. Go ahead!
It was... It was nothing.
It just was strange.
What happened in our bathroom? Were
there gesticulations? I mean, were...
No! Did you hear noises?
He just went to the bathroom. That's all.
It was nothing. It just seemed odd to me.
He just went to the bathroom?
Yes, that's all.
See? Just weird.
What, number two?
Oh, Joe! I don't want to
talk about this anymore!
Wait.
He took some stanky shit
in our bathroom?
Is that what you're trying to say?
Oh, my god!
That man took you
out for dinner,
bought you a cappuccino
and everything,
and walked you home,
perfect gentleman,
went into our house, into our
bathroom, stayed there for an hour,
taking some stanky,
foul-smelling shit,
and then just...
Then just left.
That is so disgusting.
I can't believe that.
God! What is that...
I mean, what is that about?
I mean, was he, like,
trying to leave his mark?
I mean...
God!
You gonna see him again?
Yeah. Yeah.
You probably would. You are gonna
see that guy again, aren't you?
You're probably
seeing him right now.
Oh, Jane.
How the hell will I get you.
To my opening?
Will you send me away.
Oh, Jane.
Will you kiss me and stop me.
From jumping off
the Brooklyn Bridge?
'Cause I need...
Need you to...
I've been wanting to meet you
for such a long time now.
No, I... I don't put menu.
You don't put menu?
No, no, no.
What would this be, then, sir?
I don't know.
You don't know what this is?
No, no.
Oh. You don't know
what that is.
That's menu! That's menu.
No, no. Not a menu. No.
Oh, just...
All right, good. Fine.
What? Don't wave at me.
I'm in a whole
other league here, baby.
Whole other league!
What the... What're you doin'?
Run normal!
Okay. This would be the path
where normal people run, sir!
Okay? The weird triathlete training
complex is somewhere else.
Okay?
Run normal here.
Okay, get off my path!
Get off it!
Oh. Oh, pretty fast, huh? Huh?
Run around the block, huh? Who
couldn't run around the block?
You don't think I can run that fast
running around the fuckin' block? Huh?
Try runnin' 15 miles. Huh?
See how fast you run that!
Huh? Fifteen...
Suntan lotion, baby
Suntan lotion, baby
I'm gonna shoot you in the
face if you don't stop. Now...
Gotta look sexy
Get off me, you maniac!
Get the hell away from me!
Get out of here.
...for the girl tonight.
Gotta look sexy
for the girl, tonight.
Gotta look good for
the big date tonight, kids.
Suntan lotion, baby
Gentlemen. How are you today?
I'm beautiful. How are you?
Fine.
Listen, I'd like to purchase
some suntan products.
S.P. factor?
Excuse me?
S.P. factor?
Uh, no. That's okay. I'll
just have suntan lotion.
What sun protection
factor do you need?
Oh, sun protection factor.
"S.P." Sun protection.
Yes.
I don't know,
what do you guys suggest?
For you? Yeah.
30. 30?
Yeah.
Give me a four. Actually, better
yet, gimme that deep, uh,
that deep-tanning tropical oil.
That's only 2. Excellent.
At least get the total sun
blocks for your nose and lips.
Whatever the fuck it is you think
you're doing, do it away from me.
Al.
Why can't we
just love each other?
Come on, Joe.
We have to be there in half an hour.
We're gonna be late.
I'm not going.
Oh, please, Joe.
Come on, will you just...
Will you let me see it, at least?
Just lift your chin a little...
Five years I wait to meet Jane.
Five years.
Will you let me see it?
Can I look at it?
I'll tell you if you
should worry or not.
No. Just lift your face.
Come on. We have to go.
Please?
It's... It's not bad.
I... I barely see anything.
Lucy, come on! You...
It's so minimal.
You barely...
The white... The white
ring, I'm talking about.
I know what you're talking
about, and it's nothing.
No one's gonna even notice it.
It's totally... It's fine.
No one'll notice it?
Uh-uh.
Doesn't look weird?
No.
It's gonna be fine. Come on, let's go.
You have to get dressed still.
Okay? You're gonna look great.
Don't worry about it.
What if I put some makeup on?
No, don't put makeup on.
Do not put makeup on.
You're gonna look great. Just
leave it alone and let's go.
All right? Get dressed. All
right, all right. Thanks, Lucy.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll just be a sec.
How am I gonna explain?
What was I thinking?
How will I explain to her that
she's in all my paintings?
She's gonna think I'm a, a freaky
peeping tom freaker. Freakman.
You're the only one
that can see that, all right?
You're saying you can't see my girlfriend,
Jane, in that painting right there?
You can't see Jane in this painting?
In that painting?
Jane kissing God.
Jane and the elephants.
Jane and the Jane.
The big-love Jane.
You can't see that
in any of them?
What about that one? You see
her face there, her clothes?
She has clothes?
All right. Great, fine.
No. Oh, good, fine. Okay, good.
No one can see. Only me.
Only me. Okay, good.
What is wrong with you?
Boy, this is stupid.
This is dumb.
Relax!
Interview loves it. And I think
the Voice does, as well.
Whatever!
It's over 50% sold, Joe!
Whatever, Rene. I mean, the girl's not coming.
It's just dumb.
Joe. Joe!
This one I'm going to buy.
Really?
Yeah, I think it sums up
the historical sexual struggle
so completely
that it's inspiring.
So you would
consider yourself...
"Limp cock man"? Yeah. Proudly.
Maybe they'll start
to believe it
Who's leavin' who?
Who's leavin' who?
If I'm leavin' you
And you insist that's true
Who's the fool?
You say my eyes are too blue
I used to listen to you
Some things I know
got rearranged
Let me out
of these sugar chains
Jesus.
Lucy. Lucy. Lucy...
Oh, my god.
Oh...
Excuse me.
Okay.
Do you know where I can
find Joe MacGonaughgill?
Oh!
You're... Jane.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, Jane, I know.
I know lots of Janes.
Well, I... I'd...
I don't know lots of Janes,
but, I have one very
good friend named Jane.
That's nice.
Wow.
You really are pretty.
Thank you. Thanks.
I mean, you look fantastic.
That, that, uh...
Your dress is pretty.
So I think that... I think Joe is...
Oh! Yep, there he is.
Good.
So... Okay.
Joe.
This is Jane.
Jane Lindquist.
Hey.
Joe MacGonaughgill.
It's good to meet you.
I see you met Lucy already.
Yeah, we met over there.
I have herpes. I... I mean,
I...I don't get it downstairs,
you know, I just get very, uh,
violent herpetic outbreaks
on, on my mouth.
I wanted to look, you know, especially nice for...
for the opening tonight.
So today I did this,
like, tanning thing.
So I, I put this sun
block around my mouth
especially, so I wouldn't
get, uh, any cold sores.
I, uh, I... I didn't...
I didn't get any cold sores.
I did get this ridiculous white
ring around my mouth, though,
which, uh...
I didn't notice it.
Here's the thing.
See, I'm aware
that you find me
extremely attractive.
There's a... There's a...
There's a heat.
You know, there's a thing.
And, uh, I know that this might be
sort of eating into that moment a bit.
Sort of eating into that...
that thing, you know.
But I want you to know
that it will go away soon,
and I will go back to being
the incredibly dashing,
handsome, you know,
Newman-Brando-esque, you know,
looking, uh, guy.
Shh.
Excuse me.
I'm Bwick.
I've been watching you.
I know you see me,
us, together tonight.
Don't think here.
I want to go out now with you all
around the city, just you and me.
I want to paint you, innocent,
us, out, joyful, good,
pleasant, deep.
He's, uh... He's Bwick. Bwick Elias.
He's a... He's a painter.
You paint, right?
I... I... Art.
Okay. Oh.
You'll be all right, Lucy.
He's harmless.
Okay. So then I guess that, uh,
Bwick and I are just...
Out... Out, and...
Night and, and... And light. Us.
And asphalt and, and...
Lighting.
All right. Fine.
Well, congratulations, Joe.
Thanks, Lucy.
Hey, listen, uh,
Mac... Knockadick?
Excuse me?
MacKnickknack.
MacDick... trick?
MacDicka... MacDickatrick?
MacGonaughgill.
MacDonaughgill.
MacGonaughgill. MacGonaughgill.
Joe MacGonaughgill.
MacGonaughgill.
Joe... MacGonaughgill.
You have a, um,
art show.
Good. Okay.
Thanks so much.
Bye.
I love your paintings.
Really?
Yeah. Really.
Can I ask you somethin'?
Yeah.
Are you involved with anyone?
Yes.
Who?
Him.
Really?
He does have quite a limp dick,
but he gives the best
damn head I've ever had.
Ouch! Good.
That's not good.
That makes me feel not good.
Ring the bell,
make a wish. $20 more
and I get a room
and dinner tonight.
But please, anything will do.
Your wish'll still come true.
Ah. Oh.
You wanna try?
Sure.
That's the way to do it.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, hey! It worked! Bye,
thanks for everything. Bye!
Taxi!
So, how was it?
Lucy, my imagined ideals
were like tiny,
insignificant bits
of nothingness
compared to the magnificence
which was her beauty.
Okay? I am completely
in love with her.
She is God's woman.
And he has...
He has given her to me.
Wow. That sounds great.
You should be very happy.
You think?
Yeah, you should, because she's not
a fantasy anymore to you, Joe.
She's a real woman.
She is a perfect, real woman.
Come on.
That's nice.
Listen, by the way, what was
up with, uh, you leaving with.
Bwick Elias?
Oh, I don't know, he's funny.
He's an idiot, but he's funny.
You know, I like this dating thing.
I'm sort of getting the thing here.
What I do is sit back and watch
as these strange men
try to impress you
in weird and stupid ways.
And then you just, you pick the
least disgusting one, I guess.
All I can say is, you better pick one
of those least disgusting guys in, uh,
the next 13 days.
Know what I'm sayin'?
You just worry about
closin' your own deal.
Listen, if we get the school,
which I think we're gonna get,
but we don't get the weird
boyfriends and girlfriends,
do we have to jump anyway?
Good night, Joe.
Wait a minute.
Could I get some specifics
on that weird Bwick thing?
See you tomorrow. No, no, no, no.
I told you everything.
Come on, that's
not fair, you dog.
You were brilliant
tonight, Joe.
I hate you.
Sweet dreams.
No, wait.
What? What?
Was I okay tonight?
You were the best.
Really?
Good night.
Wait, Lucy, I was...
Go to sleep.
Lucy, come on.
I was okay, really?
I love you. Good night.
See you in the morning.
Good night.
Night-night.
Good night, moon.
What?
Good night, moon.
Good night, moonie-moonie.
Good night, fish.
Good night, spoon.
Hello?
Joe?
Yes. I am Joe.
Joe MacGonaughgill.
It's Jane.
Jane? We met last
night at your opening.
Jane?
Hello? Hi. Hi. Hi. Uh...
Hi, Jane? How's it goin'?
Great.
Um, what are you doin'?
Just hangin' out.
Um, listen,
can I ask, uh,
can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
Would you like
to have dinner with me?
I'd love to.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, great.
Um, I guess I'll just, uh,
I'll just give you a call.
Okay, why don't you
just do that?
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
Yes!
Oh, I guess I'm not dating my
new girlfriend now. Bullshit.
I'm dating her. We're dating.
I got a date with her.
You're a hero. Piss off.
Why can't you ever
be happy for me?
Why can't you be happy?
Piss off!
Lucy!
Oh, hi. I'll be down
after my session, okay?
Lucy, wait.
What? I'm late. What is it?
Bwick Elias, Lucy.
You know, the painter? Bwick?
He's nice. We talked,
and he'd like to call you.
I'd like to call you.
Unfortunately, he was too
overwhelmed with, um, sadness
by your untimely
departure last night,
and, um, he couldn't ask
for your number.
Too overwhelmed with sadness by
your untimely departure last night,
he couldn't ask
for your number.
But, but stalking me was apparently
well within your comfort zone.
I made this for you.
Oh.
You can have it.
Or we could trade.
Little birdie for your number?
Thank you.
555-6745. Cellular.
Hush! Little child speaks
what we dare not say.
I dare for you
not to have me call you.
I dare you!
Which one?
Well, I think I like this.
I like this. This is nice.
Yeah. It's pretty.
Yeah, I like that on you.
It doesn't really matter, 'cause
he's not gonna call, anyway.
Well, if you'd shut up
about it, he'd call.
And if I don't?
Then he won't.
Oh.
If I wear these with it, do you
think it's too dark? Hello?
No, I kind of like the dark-light...
Hi, Bwick.
Is she free tonight?
Yes, she is.
Well.
I guess I'll be
wearing this tonight
on my date, 'cause...
'cause he called me.
Okay, bye.
And down. Slowly.
Slowly. Lower, lower.
Good. Good.
Saturation, saturation.
And vanquish!
Vanquish! Vanquish. Good.
Rotate right.
Rotate right. Slowly.
Attitude adjustment.
Good. And stab!
Ha! Drop. Door.
Bica!
Water.
Oh. Come in. It's open.
I've gotta go. Bye.
Hi.
You bought me a shrubbery?
Well, I was at the, uh,
the flower store,
and roses just seemed
a little boring.
So you bought me a shrubbery.
I wouldn't really call it
a shrubbery, Jane.
It's a... It's a ficus tree. It's
a very rare and exotic plant.
Well...
How wonderfully
'80s of you, Joe.
Fine, I'll just kill it.
No, no, no, no!
Don't! Don't! Don't.
No, no! Don't! No.
I love it. I love it.
You sure?
It's beautiful.
We can put it
in my dentist's office.
Stop!
I've never done this
in front of anyone before.
I haven't felt
comfortable enough.
Red.
Purple!
I hate this! You, put
purple, all around. Smear.
Smear red!
Red.
Position 3!
Now, up. Go. Knees! Down.
Sugar?
Yeah. Two, please.
What are you smiling about?
Nothin'.
I'm just happy to be here.
I find it really hard
to concentrate around you
'cause I'm, I'm so into you.
Do you find it at all hard
to concentrate around me?
A little bit? Now and then?
It's symbolic.
Life equals love,
which actually equals death.
Life equals death.
It's symbolic?
Yeah.
Symbolic death?
Symbols of life
and death and love.
Life equals death,
which is in the middle.
The subset is love,
which is really
what the symbol is: Love.
Life equals love equals death.
It's symbolic.
Wait.
You have a woman with
life painted on her, uh,
area, and she's
stabbing to death
a man with a knife
that says love on it.
And then in big,
bold letters it says,
"life equals love
equals death."
I don't know that
it's very symbolic, Bwick.
It's kind of spelled out.
So it sucks.
Hans.
No, it doesn't suck. It's
just that it's not really...
You know, it's...
It's a literal painting.
It's not symbolic,
which is fine.
Mmm-hmm.
It's literal.
Right. Just literally sucks.
No.
No, you're right. You're right.
It just symbolically sucks.
Hans!
It certainly isn't very
literal anymore, is it?
No. It's... It's symbolic.
Do you believe in a big love?
Is that a serious question?
Look, when I was 16,
I was in love with this
guy called William.
I was completely
absorbed by him.
I felt like I had
no sense of autonomy,
no sense of being.
It was almost like I
didn't exist without him.
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't
eat, I couldn't do anything
unless he was around.
It was like I was
just the same person,
and I thought that was
being madly in love.
Or the big love, as you'd say.
You know, I wrote
an article just recently
about how overrated the sense
of falling in love is.
People just seem to think it's all
about, like, the initial thing,
the, the flowers,
and the explosions
and the... And the symphonies
and that excitement when you
see somebody, and then...
And then what?
You know? Nobody seems to
be able to maintain that.
That's what I think
the big love is,
the capacity to be... To be able
to reinvent the relationship
to be able to, to grow and to
expand and to maintain that feeling
and not feel that
if you don't have it,
then it's not working,
you know,
and you just walk out
and you find it elsewhere.
No, that big love
you're talking about,
I think that's... That's...
That's just for lovers.
So, you have some
feelings on this issue?
Huh?
Mmm, deep-seated feelings.
I need to tell you,
you went crazy earlier.
Sometimes I feel things, Lucy.
What you feel, I treat.
Do you feel that?
Maybe.
Flesh.
Is symbolic.
Love
is flesh.
Flesh
equals
symbolic.
Our paintings
and our fingers
equal symbolic.
Flesh.
All right, one kiss,
but that's all.
So you don't think that someone
could, like, see someone
from afar,
fall hopelessly in love with them,
and live happily ever after?
One looks everywhere
for something to lean on.
One is charmed by the
hope of having found it.
It turns out to be a dream
in which the harsh facts
are scattered
with a rude awakening.
Who said that? Cher?
No. Marie Anne du Deffand.
She's a writer.
You really are funny, you know.
You know what you are?
You're a girl
who stands
zero chance
of ever being kissed
by any other man.
That's what you are.
I got your message,
couldn't call you back
I was busy gettin' you
off my mind.
Joe?
I saw your girlfriend
I think she thinks
I want you back
God, you surely
take your time
I don't wanna be
in your fantasy
I wish you'd move
to China or the moon
Positive
Capital "p"
Positive,
you don't belong to me
I'm kinda scattered
like the pieces of a puzzle
But our pieces
never seem to fit
And I talk to the mirror
looking deep into my eyes
But I only see this
I don't want to be
in your diary
I didn't mean it
when I wished you away
Now I'm positive
Capital "p"
So, Joe, how's
that girlfriend of yours?
The one you have all those, uh,
passive-aggressive, voyeuristic fantasies about?
With all due respect, Simon, I'd really
rather not hear your opinion about it.
Well, Joe, you should
let him help you.
He gets paid a lot of money
to help people.
That's all right.
Wasn't there something important that
you needed to discuss with your father?
Joe, come on.
What is it, Lucy?
Oh...
Joe and I had been discussing,
very, very superficially,
really, just
this idea that we, we had
for opening a kids' school.
A school for kids.
Huh!
Well, that's
a fine idea, sweetheart.
And if you weren't going to Harvard in the
fall and then taking over the clinic,
I'd help you any way I could.
No, no, of course.
I didn't... I was...
Just explain to me how you're going
to Harvard and our school is history.
What do you suggest that I do, Joe?
It's all arranged.
Well, it can all
easily be unarranged.
Don't you mean rearranged?
What?
"Unarranged" isn't a word.
Rearranged. It can all
easily be rearranged.
Rearranged.
You don't just rearrange a relationship, Joe.
It doesn't work like that.
Whatever. I have a date.
So do I.
Great. Five days to go,
and we both have dates.
Then again, your credibility
is pretty shot, Lucy.
Halfway down, you'll want
to turn around and go back.
That's not true. I've
never been more resolved.
Whatever.
You lied to me.
Fuck.
It's always like Mickey
Rourke or somebody that
can't make it to the bed, and they have
to do it when they come in the door
standing up against
some pillar or something.
Put you up here
like a contortionist
and do plies and releves
and keep it in there
and get it in there
and be effective,
all at the same time.
I will be perfectly happy
to blow your mind,
but can we just lie down?
In a minute.
Have you had an aids test?
Negative.
And you?
15 for 15.
You've had 15 aids tests?
Every 4 months
for the last 5 years.
Do you shoot drugs?
No.
Do you fuck guys?
No.
Do you sodomize
junkie prostitutes?
Without a condom?
Yeah.
No.
When was the last time
you had sex?
Five years ago.
Then why all the aids tests?
I don't want to talk about it.
Joe!
What?
I need to know.
I'm a little embarrassed about it.
Can we just not talk about it?
Why all the aids tests?
What is it?
I masturbated.
But you can't even
get it from kissing,
let alone jerking off.
I don't know.
What about phone sex?
I'll have another test
on Thursday.
I think we're safe now.
I cannot maneuver like this.
I need to be able
to deal with you properly.
We have to lie down now.
Okay, but it has to be
in the kitchen.
I don't care where it is.
I'll throw your sorry ass on the floor
right here and fuck your brains out.
But you can't see the floor
from your apartment.
I know. God, I always hated that
I couldn't see your ankles.
Wait. What did you just say?
You can't see the floor
here from your apartment.
You know that
I've been watching you?
All this time, all these years,
you know that
I've been watching you?
Of course. You knew that, Joe.
Um...
No, really, uh,
I didn't.
I was watching you watching me.
I liked it.
What's the problem?
It wasn't like that.
I've been smitten.
I mean, uh...
I don't want you to be
some... some fantasy, I...
I want you to be my girlfriend.
I want you to be a reality.
Come on, Joe.
You never wanted me
to be your reality.
And if you do,
you'd better have a look at
who's standing in front of you.
We're not reality material.
I didn't know that.
Joe, what's a cute,
smart, sexy,
good-looking guy...
Why haven't you slept with a
girl for the last 5 years?
I've been savin' myself.
For who?
I guess I don't know.
See you.
Come on.
Joe.
Come on.
Looking through
the wrong lens
With shadows in my eyes
You were hiding in the open
Standing by my side
All we needed
was a river to follow
And dance in
Lay down, Athena
In your sea of wine.
Lucy? Lucy!
Lay down, Athena
Lay down, lay down
Lay down
Crimson river we follow
We collide, we collide
We'll be safe in tomorrow
Hey.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
How is everything?
It's fine. It's great.
Yeah? Great.
You?
I'm having fun.
I'm really havin' a great time.
Obviously.
What's wrong with you?
What are you wearin'?
What do you mean?
What's that?
You slapped some paint on it?
It's very creative. How'd
it go over with old Bwicky?
I don't want to talk about it.
You don't want
to talk about it?
I don't like your attitude.
Come on, Lucy.
What happened on your date?
I mean, come on. Tell me. Talk.
We finger-painted, all right?
He made me dinner,
we finger-painted,
and we talked all night.
I thought you'd be happy
that I had a nice time,
I thought you'd be happy that we could
call off this stupid death pact thing
and not kill ourselves.
Why would we call off
the death pact?
Because you and Jane
and, and me and Bwick.
I like him.
You like him well enough
to call off the death pact?
Yeah.
No, no, excuse me. I, uh, I didn't
realize he was so special, Lucy.
I don't understand
what this is all about.
Wait a minute, are you and
Jane not getting along?
Is, is that what this is?
What?
What?
A fuckin' painter.
You're in love
with a fucking painter.
Bwick Elias.
I mean, it's just
too fuckin' perfect.
I just don't believe it
that, that...
I mean, that...
Stupid,
pseudo-intellectual,
you know, like,
counting-crows-headed, "love
equals life equals death,"
you know, pop bullshit.
Fuckin'... Fuck!
If you think that
that fucking guy
is coming into my house...
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Your house?
Oh. Excuse me.
Your house. Sorry.
I'm out of here. Whatever.
Hello, darling.
Hi. Hi.
How are you?
I'm gonna open a grade
school for children.
I'm not gonna go to Harvard.
Maybe, maybe you'll help me,
and maybe you won't,
but this is really...
This is what I want to do,
so I hope that
you'll support me.
Why do you always do that?
Do what?
You always chuckle whenever I tell you
something that's important to me.
Oh, honey.
That's your perception.
No, that's not my perception.
It's what happens.
I tell you something
that matters to me,
that's important and...
I don't want to wait until one
of us dies to get closer.
So you want to be around kids
who want to be adults
instead of adults
who want to be kids, huh?
Yes, exactly.
I hope you know
how proud of you I am.
I hope you know how proud
I've always been of you.
And how much
I have always loved you.
Thank you, Daddy.
I love you, too. Really.
Okay, listen up. If mopey-boy
is painting upside down,
does that mean you have to look at the
painting upside down to understand it?
Yes. No.
You guys think about it, and we'll
talk about it next time, all right?
Get out of here.
I'll see you guys
all next, uh...
I'll see you...
I'll see you soon.
Hey, what are you
hoodlums up to?
What are you doin'?
Putting money
in the piggy bank.
Why?
Earning money
for our new school.
Oh, mope.
I don't want you to do that.
I want you to keep your money.
You look even more
pathetic than usual.
Hey, stop. Wait. I'm kiddin'.
Jane again?
I don't care about that girl.
You whine about her
all these years.
Now that you got her,
you don't want her.
What an asshole
you turned out to be.
I've been living with
this girl, this friend.
My best friend.
I'm proud of you, Joe.
Why?
You finally figured out
the girl in your heart
isn't the girl in your dreams.
Some people don't figure
it out all their lives.
What are you, Mr. Fuckin'
philosopher all of a sudden?
Is she in love with you?
No.
Not anymore.
I mean, not like that.
Not like... Not like anything.
I ruined it.
I once had a girl.
I'll never forget
the day she told me,
"I don't love you anymore."
I never wanted to feel the
way my gut felt that day,
so I never took a chance.
I stopped breathing, for Christ's sake, Joe.
That's how much it hurt.
So you can sit here with me and not
breathe the rest of your life,
or you can give it a try.
Come on, look.
Paint her a picture,
give her some roses.
Write her a cute little note,
and she's yours.
Thanks, Al.
Piss off.
Lucy?
Early Jane.
Bwick Elias.
He's cute.
He's sweet. He's talented.
He makes me giggle.
He's rich.
But come on, Lucy.
Let's face it, he's a Dick.
I mean, he's like
your old boyfriend Dick.
He's not like a Joe.
He's more like a Dick.
Joe.
Why would I bring up Joe
right now?
Joe?
No. Joe's in love with Jane.
Beautiful, lovely, tall Jane.
I hate Jane.
I'd like to get her in therapy,
fuck her up real good.
Joe.
No.
You didn't kiss me
How can I fall asleep?
Joe?
You think?
Bingo. 25 cents, please.
I know you're there
But don't pick up.
Joe?
'Cause I'll say everything.
Joe?
I know you don't care
You made that clear enough
As I was leaving
I took your favorite overcoat
I just wanted to return it
And I know it's late
You're probably out
That's what you wanted anyway
I know how you hate it
When I get too loud
But, John, you know I'm crazy
I'm wrapped around
your favorite overcoat
Don't think I can return it.
Joe? Joe!
No. Not Joe.
Hey. Bwick.
I think you're really neat, but I
don't want to see you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I wanna show you something.
What do you see
in this painting?
I don't know. Immature.
Paint. Lots of ugly paint.
It's a beautiful girl,
and I hope it's me.
Hey, wait. Lucy.
I... I really like you.
I like you, too, Bwick,
but I'm pretty sure I'm in
love with someone else.
Hate your laugh,
hate your lies
Hate the chance I took on you
Hate the past in your eyes
Hate the war
you put me through
Hate myself for believing
This could come
to anything at all
Mmm, mmm
I'm wrapped around
your favorite overcoat
Don't think I can return it.
Hi, excuse me.
Hi. How do you do?
You didn't kiss me
How could I fall asleep?
You didn't wish me very well
To say the least
Do you miss me?
If you said so,
should I believe you?
You didn't kiss me
How could I fall asleep?
You didn't wish me very well
To say the least
Do you miss me?
If you said so,
should I believe you?
You didn't kiss me
Joe!
Joe!
We should go jump out there,
because if we jump here
there's a chance that the
highway might break our fall.
Out there it's just a straight shot
right down into the icy-cold water.
I thought you were
gonna break my fall.
What happened to old Bwicky?
I wasn't interested.
Where's Jane?
I don't know.
I'm scared, Joe.
Me, too.
What are you scared about?
What are you scared about?
I asked you first.
Are you scared 'cause
you're in love with me?
Are you scared because
you're in love with me?
I asked you first.
Hey. Hey. Wait a minute.
Don't even try that hug test on me.
I'm serious.
I mean... No. No. If you don't
know after that kiss...
Joe?
Yeah?
Doesn't this feel
a little incestuous?
I know. Isn't it great?
It reminds me of when I was six
and I would play seven minutes in
heaven with my little cousins.
That's gross.
Lucy?
Yes.
If I'd have fallen,
would you have caught me?
Hmm... I would have tried.
Lucy!
But who knows
my physical capabilities?
Straddling a bridge, gravity...
Trying to think. Uh, two
plus two plus one...
Lucy? Listen, Lucy...
...minus a man who...
...if you can free yourself
from your brain for two seconds
and allow me off of your couch...
Mmm-hmm?
...I will take
your crazy spit test.
Really?
I love you so much, Lucy.
I love you, too, Joe.
Says I need direction
I head for the door
I take apart his hourglass
and fill it up with candy
I don't mind suggestions
Don't give me any more
Don't get twisted
You don't like it
You don't buy it.
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
What have I got
What have I got
What have I
What have I got to lose?
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
What have I got
What have I got
What have I
What have I got to lose?
What have I got
What have I got
What have I
What have I got to lose?
What would it take to find
the shape to cure me?
Who do I pay to sell
this celluloid rosary?
They're right when they say
the lions got the best of me
I jump from chair to chair
But is anybody satisfied?
Not me
You know he dreams
about tornadoes
Tumbleweeds and hurricanes
I could blame it on his halos
Always gettin' in the way
If I'd known his wings
were crooked
I'd have pressed them
into shape
I hopped a Greyhound,
left his hometown
1,726 and change
Sixty bucks,
a broken suitcase
His bad luck was my lucky day
I kinda thought
we had a mess of time
Another nothing
we can scream about
All fall down.
Wake up, please, sir.
It's calendar day.
Mmm, Lucy.
Forget about calendar day.
All fall down.
Wrong answer, Dick.
She's so tall
with her hands up
I'm so small
whenever she's around
Someday soon
I'm gonna tell her but
I'm not twenty-one
Another dream didn't work out
So you found a way
to let it out
All fall down.
What are you doing?
It's calendar day. Wake up.
What time is it?
She's gone already, Joe.
One more wasted day.
Not true, Devil Girl!
All fall down
Come on, baby, be there. Come on, Janey.
Come on, baby.
Please, sweetheart.
She's probably got
some gorgeous man's face
in an unspeakable place.
Oh, Lucy, come on. Come on.
Yeah, hello.
My girlfriend Jane.
So who...
What's that, right there?
What's goin' on?
Oh, that's, uh...
That's... That's nothing.
That's... That's just
her brother.
That's her, uh... That's her...
That's her gay brother.
What's her gay brother
doing to her?
Because I, I don't have my glasses.
I can't see.
Oh, my god.
Why, that's just... Oh.
I mean, that should be illegal.
You just can't have naked
men wandering around.
That's just disgusting.
So, Joe,
don't you think
that this, this painting
you've done of Jane here
in the kitchen
is a tad incomplete?
That there might... Joe?
Okay. I, I can't really hear
any assholes talking!
And if she, and if she
comes again and scares me
I'm gonna conjure up
a prayer to be stronger.
Okay, Dick.
Rise and shine, and leave.
Come on, Lucy.
It's Saturday. Let's snuggle.
Come on, dick.
Here's $5, all right?
I'm so small
whenever she's around.
Go buy yourself
a nice breakfast.
She's so tall
with her hands up
Al.
My best friend! I love you!
I love you!
Joe! Get the hell off me.
I'll be right back.
Dick, Richie, Rich, Ricardo.
Joe, have you seen my shoe?
Have I seen your shoe? No.
Come on, Lucy,
man, let's do this.
You all dressed?
Uh... Well, my, my shoe.
Oh, you can get it next time.
You are too brutal, Lucy.
Give the guy a break.
Bye, Dick. Have a nice time.
I'll call you.
You know,
you're doin' it again.
What am I doing?
Mushing my head out the door.
Could you not
mush my head out the door?
I wasn't mushing you.
You were leaving.
I can't take this anymore.
Lucy, I want you to decide.
After two and a half years
of sleeping with you,
uh, goin' to dinner,
um, uh,
not seein' anyone else,
meeting families,
I think I... I... I think I may
have given you a ring at one point?
Am I... Are we... Uh... Do...
Are we boyfriend and girlfriend, or no?
That's it.
Let me see.
Oh, Lucy.
Not the hug test again.
No, Dick.
What?
No.
Oh. I...
Bye, Lucy.
Goodbye.
Bye, Dick.
Missed a spot.
What is up with that guy, Lucy?
Dick? You know, Dick is Dick.
We're friends.
Listen, did you guys
used to, uh...
We used to.
Did you, uh...
Did you go down on him, or...
Sometimes.
Really?
Listen, I was wondering, do
guys like that better than...
Definitely.
Really? Absolutely.
You'd take that over that?
Any day of the week.
Huh.
Listen,
Does he have a, uh,
a big, uh...
Mmm. It's average.
Bigger than me?
Well, I don't know.
I've never...
Yeah, you have.
After I take a shower.
Yeah, but never in its full...
About 10.
Five.
No.
I said 10.
Five. Guys always double it.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
So if, uh...
If I had said, uh, six...
Three.
Really?
Mmm-hmm, three.
Jesus!
I know, uh... I know a lot
of guys that say six.
Three.
Joe?
Yes?
Remember that death pact
that we made in college?
Excuse me?
The death pact
that we made in college.
No.
That guy, Billy Gash,
had just dumped me,
and that girl
that you were so mad for,
she wouldn't even look at you,
talk to you or anything.
Her name was, um,
Betsy or, uh...
Belinda!
Belinda Slaughter. I was
completely in love with her.
She wouldn't even look at me.
I know.
I was devastated.
I know.
All right, Lucy.
What did we say?
That if, uh... If we didn't have
wonderful, intimate relationships
with serious familial possibilities
by the time you turned 30,
we would kill ourselves?
Yeah!
I am so happy to be an adult
and not have to suffer through
painful nights like that.
Yeah. That was pretty bad.
Can you believe that?
A death pact?
I know.
How old are you now,
anyway, Lucy?
What are you, like...
You're like, what, 26, 27?
Nope. 29.
When's your birthday?
It's like, uh, November 20th?
March 1st.
We have one month to go.
What?
Joe, we are two
disgruntled people,
dissatisfied
with our present lives.
Now, all I'm sayin' is that we should
kill ourselves to get ourselves going.
Okay, okay, Lucy? I'm going.
I don't need to die, okay?
I'm already going.
No, you're not going, Joe.
And neither am I.
The world is a scary place.
It's becoming painfully clear you're
the most scary thing in it...
Joe, Joe, listen to me. Listen.
We can't waste any more time.
You have to meet somebody
by the time that you're 30
so that you're together
for a few years,
so you know you have staying
power in the relationship
so you don't mess up
your children with divorce.
That makes you 33 by the time
you have your first kid,
which is the perfect age,
because then you don't hit menopause
until that child is at college.
Any other plan is a disaster, and
that's why we agreed on the pact.
Lucy, come on!
All right, we're coming.
Hold on.
You stay there, kids.
Now, we both believe in God and
reincarnation and all that stuff, right?
Yeah. Of course. Okay.
So why bother playing out
the rest of a sad life?
Divorce, unhappy children,
unrealized ambitions.
We're going to say, "If we don't hit
it in 28 days, we just end it."
Let God start fresh with us.
It's selfish of us
to think any other way.
Come on, Lucy! Come on!
Look, I don't want you kids listening to
her any longer. She's no longer stable.
Shut up, Joe.
Be quiet!
Thank you. Okay. Who's first?
Mmm, I think...
Eddy.
I like this guy Billy, but I'm
too afraid to talk to him.
Send him a note and tell
him exactly how you feel.
20 cents, please.
Oh, okay. I'll take
it in a second.
Okay. Let's see. Who might be next?
Sam, please.
I left a tooth under my pillow and the
tooth fairy only left me a quarter.
Okay. You go to your mother,
and you say,
"Mommy, if this is all
the tooth fairy can afford,
"I think she needs it
more than I do."
15 cents, please. Thank you.
I can't believe you take
money from these kids.
They like giving it to me. It
makes them feel like adults.
All right, kids. Class time.
You have therapy now?
Yes.
Thank God.
Come on, you little creeps!
Get in there!
Get in there, you nutty kids!
I have nothing to say.
Don't you think
that this whole process
is about getting to your
feelings of ambivalence?
Look, what I say isn't important.
It's what you say.
I'm sure that's what you think.
But I have nothing to say.
And I think we're out of time.
Ooh.
All right.
I might have something to say.
Well, maybe you can
say it next week.
Maybe.
Mmm.
Thanks, Lucy.
You've been a great help.
Uh, Picasso.
Molly.
Hmm.
People with heads
like water balloons
and eyes in the middle
of their faces?
Sweet. Very nice.
Oh. A tough one for our
little expert over there.
Gauguin. Emily.
That really gross guy who sent his
ear in the mail to his brother
and then he killed himself.
No that's close, though. That was
Van Gogh, Gauguin's best friend.
All right, listen. Pair up, all you little
munchkins, and, uh, start painting.
Come with me! Come with me!
I called again.
I can't believe I called again,
making my lover my authoritarian
parental scapegoat,
thus digressing in my analysis.
This clear, sort of Edwardian,
mystical martyrdom that I...
Did you just yawn?
Am I boring you?
Oh, well, I'm so sorry
my problems bore you, Lucy.
Yes, you do bore me, Ted.
This story of yours bores me. Every
week, for an hour, it's the same thing.
"I didn't want to call.
He made me feel like shit.
"It made me feel like shit,
but I called."
It bores me.
Well, it bores me, too!
This ultimate Faustian prison.
I want to stop. Why the hell
do you think I see you?
I don't know.
Maybe you're bored?
I look at the phone.
I stare at the phone.
Then I pick up the phone.
I feel I am the phone.
I'm imprisoned by the phone.
Therefore, I am a prison,
with the phone as my bars.
Where's your partner?
No?
Couldn't find a partner?
Man, I know how you feel.
I don't have a partner, either.
Do you wanna be my partner?
Really? Uh-huh.
You serious? Uh-huh.
All right.
What do you wanna paint?
A rainbow.
Yeah? Mmm-hmm.
All right.
Start with what?
A little red over here?
Who would...
A person could...
Oh, goodness. Who would leave
this phone here like this?
God!
Hi.
Hi.
How was class?
Okay.
Good.
Do you think you help
people in therapy, Lucy?
Well, I try.
I think it's possible.
The pain of these little kids
sometimes is, uh...
Just, uh, makes me sad.
Another
deep-painting-subject day?
Why do you always do that?
Why do you act flippant about
things that are important to me?
You've reconsidered
the death pact, I hope?
You are so afraid
that I may be right
you will not answer one
simple question, will you?
What I really hear you saying is that
you're frightened about something, Joe.
So, do you want
to tell me about it
or do you want to continue
to project your fears onto me?
I'm not projecting shit.
Why do you act flippant about
things that are important to me?
Well, I don't feel that I do.
Well, I'm telling you, you do.
Well, that's your perception.
It's not perception, Lucy.
You make me feel like shit
when you act like you don't care about
things that are important to me.
Period. That's how I feel.
That's no perception.
What, is this about Jane? Are
you having a crisis about Jane?
Because I could understand...
If I were celibate,
if I were saving myself
for five years for somebody.
If I was obsessing over
somebody for five years
and I didn't even have the
courage to speak to them,
I can imagine that I might be in a
bit of a crisis about this person.
You just have a glib little
response for everything, don't you?
You're, like, in this
little, protected shell.
You hide behind your smug, pseudo-intellectual,
you know, psycho-babble humor.
I mean, you wanna talk about being afraid, Lucy?
Why don't we talk about Dick?
Why don't we talk about two and a
half years of you hiding behind Dick,
a man that you don't
give a shit about,
you could care less
about how he feels,
and turned down
everything that's come along.
I mean, if you want to talk about
being afraid, Lucy, forget about me.
I mean, let's talk about you.
If everybody weren't afraid,
Joe, then nobody would know
how nice it feels to be safe.
All right, Lucy. 28 days.
I'm gonna talk to Jane.
You're gonna go out
with anyone that asks.
At the end of this month,
if nothing changes,
you and I jump off
the Brooklyn Bridge.
Fine.
Fine.
This is it. You take it.
I can't look at it.
Oh, my god!
All right. "The New York
City Board of Education
"is pleased to inform you that, having
met the necessary requirements...
"B.A. in Education."
Yeah, we have that.
"Recommendations, commitment of
enrolment." We have that already.
"Your application has
been accepted." Oh!
"Just answer the following questions,"
blah, blah... What questions?
They're tryin' to tell me that
they're gonna give us our school!
What are the questions, Joe?
What are the questions?
Uh, "What is your projected
teaching philosophy?"
Progressive but honest.
What, like teaching kids
how to kill themselves
if they don't have
boyfriends by 4th grade?
That's not fair. Taxi!
When do we actually get the
building to put our school in?
As soon as we get the money.
When do we get the money?
Right now. Simon. Excellent.
"Bwick Elias." Yeah, whatever.
How's Joe?
He's terrific. He's good.
He still infatuated with that woman
who lives across the street?
Mmm-hmm.
Did you hate
grade school, Daddy?
No. Did you?
Yeah.
Oh!
And actually, that's what I, I sort
of wanted to talk to you about.
See, I've really
been thinking a lot...
Well, actually, Joe and
I were talking about...
What?
Come on, Lucy. No, never mind.
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
Really, it's nothing.
You got your stuff in to Harvard, right?
Mmm-hmm, yeah.
Good.
Yeah.
You know, Mom used to
tell me that if I...
If I sat here on this mushroom
and I wished really hard,
that Alice would take me
to Wonderland with her.
Yeah? Yeah, but I would
get really discouraged.
I must have come here after
school every day for months,
and I would stand here and...
Actually, I'd sit right here,
desperately hoping,
you know, wishing.
Nothing. She never showed.
Then one day, this...
By the way, I have, um... I have
some mail for you at the house.
You know, they keep
sending it to my address.
Well, you can have it
forwarded to me.
Sure.
Well, it's great seeing you.
You look terrific, sweetheart.
Thanks.
I love you.
See you next week.
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Grabbed my favorite dress
But it's so ordinary
So I slashed my jeans
Yeah, yeah my hair's a mess
It's very arbitrary
Pass the scissors please
He said
"Baby, I think you need
a long vacation"
I said
"I think I need
a little levitation"
I'm the only one
I'm the only one
Spinning like the barrel
of a shotgun
I'm the only one
In an ordinary life
Fuck.
You're mine!
Any guy.
You look very pretty today.
Oh.
Thank you.
You look like an idiot.
Excuse me?
Savant!
I meant you looked
like an idiot savant.
I mean, I think you have, probably,
I believe, savantian qualities.
I think we all have savantian qualities.
I just...
May I take you
on a date tonight?
Food for thought.
Ooh! Gotta run.
Maybe I'll see you around. I...
Tomorrow night, 8:00?
Great.
Oh, fuck.
Okay, okay! Okay.
Fuck.
Hey, Al.
Good morning.
How you doin', buddy?
She's in there, right?
No, she's not in there.
Oh, come on. You saw her go in.
No, I didn't see her.
I'm gonna talk to her today.
Yeah, I heard that before.
You are my best friend, man.
Yeah, yeah. I love you.
Yeah. I love you too.
Yeah, yeah. Eat shit.
Okay, here we go. Good.
How you been?
Good. And you?
Fine. Long time no see you.
Uh, tell me something. Do you... Do
you reckon these things really work?
Just talk to her, man.
You gotta fuckin' talk to her!
What are these for? Ginseng.
They is for men.
What does it do for men?
You know.
Okay. What does it
do for women?
You just walk over,
and you talk to the woman.
Okay? It's not
a big production,
it doesn't have to be
all dramatic all the time.
You just walk over and you...
And you die.
You walk over and you die,
because you're so...
Here you go. See you.
Thanks, guys. Have a good one.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Hi!
It's bad.
"Hi!"
Shut up!
"Hi!"
Look, Lucy. Come on.
I said I'd kill myself up
here with you in three weeks,
the least thing you can do
is do my picnic thing.
I mean, we might as well get
used to the place, you know?
What if people see us?
I hate this, Joe.
I'm freezing. I'm very cold.
Lucy, I think if we jump, people are gonna see.
You know what I mean?
Hot chocolate? Thank you.
So you were telling me
that you spoke to Jane?
Uh, yes. I did.
Really? What'd she say?
Nothing. She had left
the deli already.
Oh, Joe.
Come on. It was close, Lucy.
Anyway, listen, I don't know what I was thinking.
I thought of a genius plan.
What's that?
I have an art opening.
I invite her. She comes.
She sees how huge I am.
She's mine.
Oh, that's very sweet.
You know me, baby.
This is nice.
Thank you.
It's pretty.
Joe?
Yeah?
Would you drink my spit?
Oh, come on! Can you just take your
weird survey somewhere else? Please.
Please answer the question.
All right. I'm gonna
answer your question,
but this is the last time I
ever want to talk about this.
The last time. Forever.
Okay. You swear?
All right, now, what
are you talking about?
You know Mother Teresa and the
missionaries, they drink the lepers' spit?
Yeah.
I was just wondering
if you'd drink mine.
Now, now, how would we actually do it, again?
I mean, you would just...
I would just open my mouth and
you'd just spit right in there?
Or would you spit in a cup and
I'd just drink it out of a cup?
No, no. I'd be, like...
You know, I'd pucker my lips, and I'd
gather the spit in my lips like this:
Like that, you know? And then you'd
kiss me, and you'd suck it up.
Um...
No, I don't think
I'd be interested in that.
Really? Yeah.
What, you don't love me enough?
Of course I love you.
It's not that.
But you, you don't really
want to kiss me.
You're gorgeous. I'd make
out with you right now.
I just don't wanna
drink your spit.
Well, when people kiss a lot, they
basically drink each other's spit.
I know.
But that, that's different.
That's involuntary
mutual spit exchange.
Huh.
I have a date tomorrow night.
What? I have a date
tomorrow night.
With who?
Just this really cute
idiot-savant guy I met.
What, he started...
He started talkin' to you?
Where? Like on the street
or something?
In a coffee shop.
And you liked him?
Mmm.
No, but you had to go out with
him 'cause of our death pact!
I told you
it would all work out!
I love this life! I love it!
Hi.
Hi.
Well, thanks
for walking me home.
Oh, please. It was my pleasure.
I had a wonderful time.
Yeah. It was fun.
So give me a call
next week or whatever.
I'd like that.
Good.
May I use your bathroom?
Sure. It's that door,
right behind you.
Thanks.
In sports, the Nuggets
just got by the Knicks, 114 to 112.
The Lakers had no hope
against the Rockets...
So tell me
about your date last night.
Well, he was very nice.
He was a perfect gentleman.
He took me to dinner and, and
dessert and cappuccino, and...
Then he walked me home, and...
Yeah?
And then, then...
Well, he went into the bathroom,
and he didn't come out
for a very long time.
He went into the bathroom,
and he didn't come out
for a very long time.
Huh.
Well, like, like how long? Like, like,
how long was he in there, like an hour?
Mmm, like 20 minutes.
Really?
All right. Go ahead, go ahead.
Come on. Go ahead!
It was... It was nothing.
It just was strange.
What happened in our bathroom? Were
there gesticulations? I mean, were...
No! Did you hear noises?
He just went to the bathroom. That's all.
It was nothing. It just seemed odd to me.
He just went to the bathroom?
Yes, that's all.
See? Just weird.
What, number two?
Oh, Joe! I don't want to
talk about this anymore!
Wait.
He took some stanky shit
in our bathroom?
Is that what you're trying to say?
Oh, my god!
That man took you
out for dinner,
bought you a cappuccino
and everything,
and walked you home,
perfect gentleman,
went into our house, into our
bathroom, stayed there for an hour,
taking some stanky,
foul-smelling shit,
and then just...
Then just left.
That is so disgusting.
I can't believe that.
God! What is that...
I mean, what is that about?
I mean, was he, like,
trying to leave his mark?
I mean...
God!
You gonna see him again?
Yeah. Yeah.
You probably would. You are gonna
see that guy again, aren't you?
You're probably
seeing him right now.
Oh, Jane.
How the hell will I get you.
To my opening?
Will you send me away.
Oh, Jane.
Will you kiss me and stop me.
From jumping off
the Brooklyn Bridge?
'Cause I need...
Need you to...
I've been wanting to meet you
for such a long time now.
No, I... I don't put menu.
You don't put menu?
No, no, no.
What would this be, then, sir?
I don't know.
You don't know what this is?
No, no.
Oh. You don't know
what that is.
That's menu! That's menu.
No, no. Not a menu. No.
Oh, just...
All right, good. Fine.
What? Don't wave at me.
I'm in a whole
other league here, baby.
Whole other league!
What the... What're you doin'?
Run normal!
Okay. This would be the path
where normal people run, sir!
Okay? The weird triathlete training
complex is somewhere else.
Okay?
Run normal here.
Okay, get off my path!
Get off it!
Oh. Oh, pretty fast, huh? Huh?
Run around the block, huh? Who
couldn't run around the block?
You don't think I can run that fast
running around the fuckin' block? Huh?
Try runnin' 15 miles. Huh?
See how fast you run that!
Huh? Fifteen...
Suntan lotion, baby
Suntan lotion, baby
I'm gonna shoot you in the
face if you don't stop. Now...
Gotta look sexy
Get off me, you maniac!
Get the hell away from me!
Get out of here.
...for the girl tonight.
Gotta look sexy
for the girl, tonight.
Gotta look good for
the big date tonight, kids.
Suntan lotion, baby
Gentlemen. How are you today?
I'm beautiful. How are you?
Fine.
Listen, I'd like to purchase
some suntan products.
S.P. factor?
Excuse me?
S.P. factor?
Uh, no. That's okay. I'll
just have suntan lotion.
What sun protection
factor do you need?
Oh, sun protection factor.
"S.P." Sun protection.
Yes.
I don't know,
what do you guys suggest?
For you? Yeah.
30. 30?
Yeah.
Give me a four. Actually, better
yet, gimme that deep, uh,
that deep-tanning tropical oil.
That's only 2. Excellent.
At least get the total sun
blocks for your nose and lips.
Whatever the fuck it is you think
you're doing, do it away from me.
Al.
Why can't we
just love each other?
Come on, Joe.
We have to be there in half an hour.
We're gonna be late.
I'm not going.
Oh, please, Joe.
Come on, will you just...
Will you let me see it, at least?
Just lift your chin a little...
Five years I wait to meet Jane.
Five years.
Will you let me see it?
Can I look at it?
I'll tell you if you
should worry or not.
No. Just lift your face.
Come on. We have to go.
Please?
It's... It's not bad.
I... I barely see anything.
Lucy, come on! You...
It's so minimal.
You barely...
The white... The white
ring, I'm talking about.
I know what you're talking
about, and it's nothing.
No one's gonna even notice it.
It's totally... It's fine.
No one'll notice it?
Uh-uh.
Doesn't look weird?
No.
It's gonna be fine. Come on, let's go.
You have to get dressed still.
Okay? You're gonna look great.
Don't worry about it.
What if I put some makeup on?
No, don't put makeup on.
Do not put makeup on.
You're gonna look great. Just
leave it alone and let's go.
All right? Get dressed. All
right, all right. Thanks, Lucy.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll just be a sec.
How am I gonna explain?
What was I thinking?
How will I explain to her that
she's in all my paintings?
She's gonna think I'm a, a freaky
peeping tom freaker. Freakman.
You're the only one
that can see that, all right?
You're saying you can't see my girlfriend,
Jane, in that painting right there?
You can't see Jane in this painting?
In that painting?
Jane kissing God.
Jane and the elephants.
Jane and the Jane.
The big-love Jane.
You can't see that
in any of them?
What about that one? You see
her face there, her clothes?
She has clothes?
All right. Great, fine.
No. Oh, good, fine. Okay, good.
No one can see. Only me.
Only me. Okay, good.
What is wrong with you?
Boy, this is stupid.
This is dumb.
Relax!
Interview loves it. And I think
the Voice does, as well.
Whatever!
It's over 50% sold, Joe!
Whatever, Rene. I mean, the girl's not coming.
It's just dumb.
Joe. Joe!
This one I'm going to buy.
Really?
Yeah, I think it sums up
the historical sexual struggle
so completely
that it's inspiring.
So you would
consider yourself...
"Limp cock man"? Yeah. Proudly.
Maybe they'll start
to believe it
Who's leavin' who?
Who's leavin' who?
If I'm leavin' you
And you insist that's true
Who's the fool?
You say my eyes are too blue
I used to listen to you
Some things I know
got rearranged
Let me out
of these sugar chains
Jesus.
Lucy. Lucy. Lucy...
Oh, my god.
Oh...
Excuse me.
Okay.
Do you know where I can
find Joe MacGonaughgill?
Oh!
You're... Jane.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, Jane, I know.
I know lots of Janes.
Well, I... I'd...
I don't know lots of Janes,
but, I have one very
good friend named Jane.
That's nice.
Wow.
You really are pretty.
Thank you. Thanks.
I mean, you look fantastic.
That, that, uh...
Your dress is pretty.
So I think that... I think Joe is...
Oh! Yep, there he is.
Good.
So... Okay.
Joe.
This is Jane.
Jane Lindquist.
Hey.
Joe MacGonaughgill.
It's good to meet you.
I see you met Lucy already.
Yeah, we met over there.
I have herpes. I... I mean,
I...I don't get it downstairs,
you know, I just get very, uh,
violent herpetic outbreaks
on, on my mouth.
I wanted to look, you know, especially nice for...
for the opening tonight.
So today I did this,
like, tanning thing.
So I, I put this sun
block around my mouth
especially, so I wouldn't
get, uh, any cold sores.
I, uh, I... I didn't...
I didn't get any cold sores.
I did get this ridiculous white
ring around my mouth, though,
which, uh...
I didn't notice it.
Here's the thing.
See, I'm aware
that you find me
extremely attractive.
There's a... There's a...
There's a heat.
You know, there's a thing.
And, uh, I know that this might be
sort of eating into that moment a bit.
Sort of eating into that...
that thing, you know.
But I want you to know
that it will go away soon,
and I will go back to being
the incredibly dashing,
handsome, you know,
Newman-Brando-esque, you know,
looking, uh, guy.
Shh.
Excuse me.
I'm Bwick.
I've been watching you.
I know you see me,
us, together tonight.
Don't think here.
I want to go out now with you all
around the city, just you and me.
I want to paint you, innocent,
us, out, joyful, good,
pleasant, deep.
He's, uh... He's Bwick. Bwick Elias.
He's a... He's a painter.
You paint, right?
I... I... Art.
Okay. Oh.
You'll be all right, Lucy.
He's harmless.
Okay. So then I guess that, uh,
Bwick and I are just...
Out... Out, and...
Night and, and... And light. Us.
And asphalt and, and...
Lighting.
All right. Fine.
Well, congratulations, Joe.
Thanks, Lucy.
Hey, listen, uh,
Mac... Knockadick?
Excuse me?
MacKnickknack.
MacDick... trick?
MacDicka... MacDickatrick?
MacGonaughgill.
MacDonaughgill.
MacGonaughgill. MacGonaughgill.
Joe MacGonaughgill.
MacGonaughgill.
Joe... MacGonaughgill.
You have a, um,
art show.
Good. Okay.
Thanks so much.
Bye.
I love your paintings.
Really?
Yeah. Really.
Can I ask you somethin'?
Yeah.
Are you involved with anyone?
Yes.
Who?
Him.
Really?
He does have quite a limp dick,
but he gives the best
damn head I've ever had.
Ouch! Good.
That's not good.
That makes me feel not good.
Ring the bell,
make a wish. $20 more
and I get a room
and dinner tonight.
But please, anything will do.
Your wish'll still come true.
Ah. Oh.
You wanna try?
Sure.
That's the way to do it.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, hey! It worked! Bye,
thanks for everything. Bye!
Taxi!
So, how was it?
Lucy, my imagined ideals
were like tiny,
insignificant bits
of nothingness
compared to the magnificence
which was her beauty.
Okay? I am completely
in love with her.
She is God's woman.
And he has...
He has given her to me.
Wow. That sounds great.
You should be very happy.
You think?
Yeah, you should, because she's not
a fantasy anymore to you, Joe.
She's a real woman.
She is a perfect, real woman.
Come on.
That's nice.
Listen, by the way, what was
up with, uh, you leaving with.
Bwick Elias?
Oh, I don't know, he's funny.
He's an idiot, but he's funny.
You know, I like this dating thing.
I'm sort of getting the thing here.
What I do is sit back and watch
as these strange men
try to impress you
in weird and stupid ways.
And then you just, you pick the
least disgusting one, I guess.
All I can say is, you better pick one
of those least disgusting guys in, uh,
the next 13 days.
Know what I'm sayin'?
You just worry about
closin' your own deal.
Listen, if we get the school,
which I think we're gonna get,
but we don't get the weird
boyfriends and girlfriends,
do we have to jump anyway?
Good night, Joe.
Wait a minute.
Could I get some specifics
on that weird Bwick thing?
See you tomorrow. No, no, no, no.
I told you everything.
Come on, that's
not fair, you dog.
You were brilliant
tonight, Joe.
I hate you.
Sweet dreams.
No, wait.
What? What?
Was I okay tonight?
You were the best.
Really?
Good night.
Wait, Lucy, I was...
Go to sleep.
Lucy, come on.
I was okay, really?
I love you. Good night.
See you in the morning.
Good night.
Night-night.
Good night, moon.
What?
Good night, moon.
Good night, moonie-moonie.
Good night, fish.
Good night, spoon.
Hello?
Joe?
Yes. I am Joe.
Joe MacGonaughgill.
It's Jane.
Jane? We met last
night at your opening.
Jane?
Hello? Hi. Hi. Hi. Uh...
Hi, Jane? How's it goin'?
Great.
Um, what are you doin'?
Just hangin' out.
Um, listen,
can I ask, uh,
can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
Would you like
to have dinner with me?
I'd love to.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, great.
Um, I guess I'll just, uh,
I'll just give you a call.
Okay, why don't you
just do that?
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
Yes!
Oh, I guess I'm not dating my
new girlfriend now. Bullshit.
I'm dating her. We're dating.
I got a date with her.
You're a hero. Piss off.
Why can't you ever
be happy for me?
Why can't you be happy?
Piss off!
Lucy!
Oh, hi. I'll be down
after my session, okay?
Lucy, wait.
What? I'm late. What is it?
Bwick Elias, Lucy.
You know, the painter? Bwick?
He's nice. We talked,
and he'd like to call you.
I'd like to call you.
Unfortunately, he was too
overwhelmed with, um, sadness
by your untimely
departure last night,
and, um, he couldn't ask
for your number.
Too overwhelmed with sadness by
your untimely departure last night,
he couldn't ask
for your number.
But, but stalking me was apparently
well within your comfort zone.
I made this for you.
Oh.
You can have it.
Or we could trade.
Little birdie for your number?
Thank you.
555-6745. Cellular.
Hush! Little child speaks
what we dare not say.
I dare for you
not to have me call you.
I dare you!
Which one?
Well, I think I like this.
I like this. This is nice.
Yeah. It's pretty.
Yeah, I like that on you.
It doesn't really matter, 'cause
he's not gonna call, anyway.
Well, if you'd shut up
about it, he'd call.
And if I don't?
Then he won't.
Oh.
If I wear these with it, do you
think it's too dark? Hello?
No, I kind of like the dark-light...
Hi, Bwick.
Is she free tonight?
Yes, she is.
Well.
I guess I'll be
wearing this tonight
on my date, 'cause...
'cause he called me.
Okay, bye.
And down. Slowly.
Slowly. Lower, lower.
Good. Good.
Saturation, saturation.
And vanquish!
Vanquish! Vanquish. Good.
Rotate right.
Rotate right. Slowly.
Attitude adjustment.
Good. And stab!
Ha! Drop. Door.
Bica!
Water.
Oh. Come in. It's open.
I've gotta go. Bye.
Hi.
You bought me a shrubbery?
Well, I was at the, uh,
the flower store,
and roses just seemed
a little boring.
So you bought me a shrubbery.
I wouldn't really call it
a shrubbery, Jane.
It's a... It's a ficus tree. It's
a very rare and exotic plant.
Well...
How wonderfully
'80s of you, Joe.
Fine, I'll just kill it.
No, no, no, no!
Don't! Don't! Don't.
No, no! Don't! No.
I love it. I love it.
You sure?
It's beautiful.
We can put it
in my dentist's office.
Stop!
I've never done this
in front of anyone before.
I haven't felt
comfortable enough.
Red.
Purple!
I hate this! You, put
purple, all around. Smear.
Smear red!
Red.
Position 3!
Now, up. Go. Knees! Down.
Sugar?
Yeah. Two, please.
What are you smiling about?
Nothin'.
I'm just happy to be here.
I find it really hard
to concentrate around you
'cause I'm, I'm so into you.
Do you find it at all hard
to concentrate around me?
A little bit? Now and then?
It's symbolic.
Life equals love,
which actually equals death.
Life equals death.
It's symbolic?
Yeah.
Symbolic death?
Symbols of life
and death and love.
Life equals death,
which is in the middle.
The subset is love,
which is really
what the symbol is: Love.
Life equals love equals death.
It's symbolic.
Wait.
You have a woman with
life painted on her, uh,
area, and she's
stabbing to death
a man with a knife
that says love on it.
And then in big,
bold letters it says,
"life equals love
equals death."
I don't know that
it's very symbolic, Bwick.
It's kind of spelled out.
So it sucks.
Hans.
No, it doesn't suck. It's
just that it's not really...
You know, it's...
It's a literal painting.
It's not symbolic,
which is fine.
Mmm-hmm.
It's literal.
Right. Just literally sucks.
No.
No, you're right. You're right.
It just symbolically sucks.
Hans!
It certainly isn't very
literal anymore, is it?
No. It's... It's symbolic.
Do you believe in a big love?
Is that a serious question?
Look, when I was 16,
I was in love with this
guy called William.
I was completely
absorbed by him.
I felt like I had
no sense of autonomy,
no sense of being.
It was almost like I
didn't exist without him.
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't
eat, I couldn't do anything
unless he was around.
It was like I was
just the same person,
and I thought that was
being madly in love.
Or the big love, as you'd say.
You know, I wrote
an article just recently
about how overrated the sense
of falling in love is.
People just seem to think it's all
about, like, the initial thing,
the, the flowers,
and the explosions
and the... And the symphonies
and that excitement when you
see somebody, and then...
And then what?
You know? Nobody seems to
be able to maintain that.
That's what I think
the big love is,
the capacity to be... To be able
to reinvent the relationship
to be able to, to grow and to
expand and to maintain that feeling
and not feel that
if you don't have it,
then it's not working,
you know,
and you just walk out
and you find it elsewhere.
No, that big love
you're talking about,
I think that's... That's...
That's just for lovers.
So, you have some
feelings on this issue?
Huh?
Mmm, deep-seated feelings.
I need to tell you,
you went crazy earlier.
Sometimes I feel things, Lucy.
What you feel, I treat.
Do you feel that?
Maybe.
Flesh.
Is symbolic.
Love
is flesh.
Flesh
equals
symbolic.
Our paintings
and our fingers
equal symbolic.
Flesh.
All right, one kiss,
but that's all.
So you don't think that someone
could, like, see someone
from afar,
fall hopelessly in love with them,
and live happily ever after?
One looks everywhere
for something to lean on.
One is charmed by the
hope of having found it.
It turns out to be a dream
in which the harsh facts
are scattered
with a rude awakening.
Who said that? Cher?
No. Marie Anne du Deffand.
She's a writer.
You really are funny, you know.
You know what you are?
You're a girl
who stands
zero chance
of ever being kissed
by any other man.
That's what you are.
I got your message,
couldn't call you back
I was busy gettin' you
off my mind.
Joe?
I saw your girlfriend
I think she thinks
I want you back
God, you surely
take your time
I don't wanna be
in your fantasy
I wish you'd move
to China or the moon
Positive
Capital "p"
Positive,
you don't belong to me
I'm kinda scattered
like the pieces of a puzzle
But our pieces
never seem to fit
And I talk to the mirror
looking deep into my eyes
But I only see this
I don't want to be
in your diary
I didn't mean it
when I wished you away
Now I'm positive
Capital "p"
So, Joe, how's
that girlfriend of yours?
The one you have all those, uh,
passive-aggressive, voyeuristic fantasies about?
With all due respect, Simon, I'd really
rather not hear your opinion about it.
Well, Joe, you should
let him help you.
He gets paid a lot of money
to help people.
That's all right.
Wasn't there something important that
you needed to discuss with your father?
Joe, come on.
What is it, Lucy?
Oh...
Joe and I had been discussing,
very, very superficially,
really, just
this idea that we, we had
for opening a kids' school.
A school for kids.
Huh!
Well, that's
a fine idea, sweetheart.
And if you weren't going to Harvard in the
fall and then taking over the clinic,
I'd help you any way I could.
No, no, of course.
I didn't... I was...
Just explain to me how you're going
to Harvard and our school is history.
What do you suggest that I do, Joe?
It's all arranged.
Well, it can all
easily be unarranged.
Don't you mean rearranged?
What?
"Unarranged" isn't a word.
Rearranged. It can all
easily be rearranged.
Rearranged.
You don't just rearrange a relationship, Joe.
It doesn't work like that.
Whatever. I have a date.
So do I.
Great. Five days to go,
and we both have dates.
Then again, your credibility
is pretty shot, Lucy.
Halfway down, you'll want
to turn around and go back.
That's not true. I've
never been more resolved.
Whatever.
You lied to me.
Fuck.
It's always like Mickey
Rourke or somebody that
can't make it to the bed, and they have
to do it when they come in the door
standing up against
some pillar or something.
Put you up here
like a contortionist
and do plies and releves
and keep it in there
and get it in there
and be effective,
all at the same time.
I will be perfectly happy
to blow your mind,
but can we just lie down?
In a minute.
Have you had an aids test?
Negative.
And you?
15 for 15.
You've had 15 aids tests?
Every 4 months
for the last 5 years.
Do you shoot drugs?
No.
Do you fuck guys?
No.
Do you sodomize
junkie prostitutes?
Without a condom?
Yeah.
No.
When was the last time
you had sex?
Five years ago.
Then why all the aids tests?
I don't want to talk about it.
Joe!
What?
I need to know.
I'm a little embarrassed about it.
Can we just not talk about it?
Why all the aids tests?
What is it?
I masturbated.
But you can't even
get it from kissing,
let alone jerking off.
I don't know.
What about phone sex?
I'll have another test
on Thursday.
I think we're safe now.
I cannot maneuver like this.
I need to be able
to deal with you properly.
We have to lie down now.
Okay, but it has to be
in the kitchen.
I don't care where it is.
I'll throw your sorry ass on the floor
right here and fuck your brains out.
But you can't see the floor
from your apartment.
I know. God, I always hated that
I couldn't see your ankles.
Wait. What did you just say?
You can't see the floor
here from your apartment.
You know that
I've been watching you?
All this time, all these years,
you know that
I've been watching you?
Of course. You knew that, Joe.
Um...
No, really, uh,
I didn't.
I was watching you watching me.
I liked it.
What's the problem?
It wasn't like that.
I've been smitten.
I mean, uh...
I don't want you to be
some... some fantasy, I...
I want you to be my girlfriend.
I want you to be a reality.
Come on, Joe.
You never wanted me
to be your reality.
And if you do,
you'd better have a look at
who's standing in front of you.
We're not reality material.
I didn't know that.
Joe, what's a cute,
smart, sexy,
good-looking guy...
Why haven't you slept with a
girl for the last 5 years?
I've been savin' myself.
For who?
I guess I don't know.
See you.
Come on.
Joe.
Come on.
Looking through
the wrong lens
With shadows in my eyes
You were hiding in the open
Standing by my side
All we needed
was a river to follow
And dance in
Lay down, Athena
In your sea of wine.
Lucy? Lucy!
Lay down, Athena
Lay down, lay down
Lay down
Crimson river we follow
We collide, we collide
We'll be safe in tomorrow
Hey.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
How is everything?
It's fine. It's great.
Yeah? Great.
You?
I'm having fun.
I'm really havin' a great time.
Obviously.
What's wrong with you?
What are you wearin'?
What do you mean?
What's that?
You slapped some paint on it?
It's very creative. How'd
it go over with old Bwicky?
I don't want to talk about it.
You don't want
to talk about it?
I don't like your attitude.
Come on, Lucy.
What happened on your date?
I mean, come on. Tell me. Talk.
We finger-painted, all right?
He made me dinner,
we finger-painted,
and we talked all night.
I thought you'd be happy
that I had a nice time,
I thought you'd be happy that we could
call off this stupid death pact thing
and not kill ourselves.
Why would we call off
the death pact?
Because you and Jane
and, and me and Bwick.
I like him.
You like him well enough
to call off the death pact?
Yeah.
No, no, excuse me. I, uh, I didn't
realize he was so special, Lucy.
I don't understand
what this is all about.
Wait a minute, are you and
Jane not getting along?
Is, is that what this is?
What?
What?
A fuckin' painter.
You're in love
with a fucking painter.
Bwick Elias.
I mean, it's just
too fuckin' perfect.
I just don't believe it
that, that...
I mean, that...
Stupid,
pseudo-intellectual,
you know, like,
counting-crows-headed, "love
equals life equals death,"
you know, pop bullshit.
Fuckin'... Fuck!
If you think that
that fucking guy
is coming into my house...
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Your house?
Oh. Excuse me.
Your house. Sorry.
I'm out of here. Whatever.
Hello, darling.
Hi. Hi.
How are you?
I'm gonna open a grade
school for children.
I'm not gonna go to Harvard.
Maybe, maybe you'll help me,
and maybe you won't,
but this is really...
This is what I want to do,
so I hope that
you'll support me.
Why do you always do that?
Do what?
You always chuckle whenever I tell you
something that's important to me.
Oh, honey.
That's your perception.
No, that's not my perception.
It's what happens.
I tell you something
that matters to me,
that's important and...
I don't want to wait until one
of us dies to get closer.
So you want to be around kids
who want to be adults
instead of adults
who want to be kids, huh?
Yes, exactly.
I hope you know
how proud of you I am.
I hope you know how proud
I've always been of you.
And how much
I have always loved you.
Thank you, Daddy.
I love you, too. Really.
Okay, listen up. If mopey-boy
is painting upside down,
does that mean you have to look at the
painting upside down to understand it?
Yes. No.
You guys think about it, and we'll
talk about it next time, all right?
Get out of here.
I'll see you guys
all next, uh...
I'll see you...
I'll see you soon.
Hey, what are you
hoodlums up to?
What are you doin'?
Putting money
in the piggy bank.
Why?
Earning money
for our new school.
Oh, mope.
I don't want you to do that.
I want you to keep your money.
You look even more
pathetic than usual.
Hey, stop. Wait. I'm kiddin'.
Jane again?
I don't care about that girl.
You whine about her
all these years.
Now that you got her,
you don't want her.
What an asshole
you turned out to be.
I've been living with
this girl, this friend.
My best friend.
I'm proud of you, Joe.
Why?
You finally figured out
the girl in your heart
isn't the girl in your dreams.
Some people don't figure
it out all their lives.
What are you, Mr. Fuckin'
philosopher all of a sudden?
Is she in love with you?
No.
Not anymore.
I mean, not like that.
Not like... Not like anything.
I ruined it.
I once had a girl.
I'll never forget
the day she told me,
"I don't love you anymore."
I never wanted to feel the
way my gut felt that day,
so I never took a chance.
I stopped breathing, for Christ's sake, Joe.
That's how much it hurt.
So you can sit here with me and not
breathe the rest of your life,
or you can give it a try.
Come on, look.
Paint her a picture,
give her some roses.
Write her a cute little note,
and she's yours.
Thanks, Al.
Piss off.
Lucy?
Early Jane.
Bwick Elias.
He's cute.
He's sweet. He's talented.
He makes me giggle.
He's rich.
But come on, Lucy.
Let's face it, he's a Dick.
I mean, he's like
your old boyfriend Dick.
He's not like a Joe.
He's more like a Dick.
Joe.
Why would I bring up Joe
right now?
Joe?
No. Joe's in love with Jane.
Beautiful, lovely, tall Jane.
I hate Jane.
I'd like to get her in therapy,
fuck her up real good.
Joe.
No.
You didn't kiss me
How can I fall asleep?
Joe?
You think?
Bingo. 25 cents, please.
I know you're there
But don't pick up.
Joe?
'Cause I'll say everything.
Joe?
I know you don't care
You made that clear enough
As I was leaving
I took your favorite overcoat
I just wanted to return it
And I know it's late
You're probably out
That's what you wanted anyway
I know how you hate it
When I get too loud
But, John, you know I'm crazy
I'm wrapped around
your favorite overcoat
Don't think I can return it.
Joe? Joe!
No. Not Joe.
Hey. Bwick.
I think you're really neat, but I
don't want to see you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I wanna show you something.
What do you see
in this painting?
I don't know. Immature.
Paint. Lots of ugly paint.
It's a beautiful girl,
and I hope it's me.
Hey, wait. Lucy.
I... I really like you.
I like you, too, Bwick,
but I'm pretty sure I'm in
love with someone else.
Hate your laugh,
hate your lies
Hate the chance I took on you
Hate the past in your eyes
Hate the war
you put me through
Hate myself for believing
This could come
to anything at all
Mmm, mmm
I'm wrapped around
your favorite overcoat
Don't think I can return it.
Hi, excuse me.
Hi. How do you do?
You didn't kiss me
How could I fall asleep?
You didn't wish me very well
To say the least
Do you miss me?
If you said so,
should I believe you?
You didn't kiss me
How could I fall asleep?
You didn't wish me very well
To say the least
Do you miss me?
If you said so,
should I believe you?
You didn't kiss me
Joe!
Joe!
We should go jump out there,
because if we jump here
there's a chance that the
highway might break our fall.
Out there it's just a straight shot
right down into the icy-cold water.
I thought you were
gonna break my fall.
What happened to old Bwicky?
I wasn't interested.
Where's Jane?
I don't know.
I'm scared, Joe.
Me, too.
What are you scared about?
What are you scared about?
I asked you first.
Are you scared 'cause
you're in love with me?
Are you scared because
you're in love with me?
I asked you first.
Hey. Hey. Wait a minute.
Don't even try that hug test on me.
I'm serious.
I mean... No. No. If you don't
know after that kiss...
Joe?
Yeah?
Doesn't this feel
a little incestuous?
I know. Isn't it great?
It reminds me of when I was six
and I would play seven minutes in
heaven with my little cousins.
That's gross.
Lucy?
Yes.
If I'd have fallen,
would you have caught me?
Hmm... I would have tried.
Lucy!
But who knows
my physical capabilities?
Straddling a bridge, gravity...
Trying to think. Uh, two
plus two plus one...
Lucy? Listen, Lucy...
...minus a man who...
...if you can free yourself
from your brain for two seconds
and allow me off of your couch...
Mmm-hmm?
...I will take
your crazy spit test.
Really?
I love you so much, Lucy.
I love you, too, Joe.
Says I need direction
I head for the door
I take apart his hourglass
and fill it up with candy
I don't mind suggestions
Don't give me any more
Don't get twisted
You don't like it
You don't buy it.
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
What have I got
What have I got
What have I
What have I got to lose?
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
I'm a bad
I'm a bad loser
What have I got
What have I got
What have I
What have I got to lose?
What have I got
What have I got
What have I
What have I got to lose?
What would it take to find
the shape to cure me?
Who do I pay to sell
this celluloid rosary?
They're right when they say
the lions got the best of me
I jump from chair to chair
But is anybody satisfied?
Not me
You know he dreams
about tornadoes
Tumbleweeds and hurricanes
I could blame it on his halos
Always gettin' in the way
If I'd known his wings
were crooked
I'd have pressed them
into shape
I hopped a Greyhound,
left his hometown
1,726 and change
Sixty bucks,
a broken suitcase
His bad luck was my lucky day
I kinda thought
we had a mess of time