If You Could Only Cook (1935) Movie Script

And do you, Evelyn Fletcher, take the
Buchanan millions to have and to hold now?
And as long as the dough lasts.
And now what happens?
-Make sure Bob has the ring.
And listen,
there'll be three steps up to the altar.
Be sure you don't stumble.
And take that smelly pipe
out of your pocket.
Check. And then what?
-And then you just keep saying, "l do."
-Until you're done.
Very funny.
Now, back down the center aisle.
Dear, I'm sorry. Bob and I have to run along.
We've got a board meeting at 1:30.
I'll see you tonight, won't l?
-Oh, no, not tonight.
-Oh, why not?
Let's dine somewhere alone, and talk.
-Talk? About what?
-About nothing. That's the whole idea.
Or maybe just walk in the park,
hold hands and swing them.
Don't be boyish.
All right, run along if you have to.
Tell me, Bob.
Would you say this was
a marriage made in heaven?
Well, maybe a little this side,
but very logical, Jim.
-Evelyn has family. You have money.
-ldeal, I know.
Oh, but where's the romance, the glow,
I don't know, the silly careless rapture
that's supposed to go
with the whole darned thing?
That's just a little youthful, isn't it, Jim?
You mean boyish.
That's what Evelyn calls it.
I was quite a boy, as I remember,
making $20 a week,
spending the twilight hours on a park bench
and wondering what she'd be like
when I met her.
And sure of just one thing,
that I'd be crazy in love with her,
and she'd be crazy in love with me
and it would go on like that forever.
You're supposed to grow up
and get over that sort of thing, aren't you?
Well, most of them do.
I think a good tough board meeting
is just what you need.
Oh, what a session that's going to be.
Putting out a new type of car at this time,
Jim, would be a great mistake.
I agree with Henry.
It's too much of a departure.
That's what you said
about the first Buchanan Eight,
those very words, but I fought you all down,
and what happened?
I made a fortune for every one of us
and together we made automobile history.
Now I'm asking you to string along
with me again
with an idea that
will revolutionize the business.
Jim, this country is in no condition
to spend money on wild ideas in car design.
This country's on its feet again and soon
it'll be spending as it never did before.
They'll be looking for something new
and different.
We've got to be the first on the market
with the newest
and finest automobile we know how to make.
Oh, what's the use, Jim?
We've been going over this thing for days
and you know very well the majority
still stands against you.
Well, who is with me?
Only Bob and Howard.
Just two, and the majority stops me.
Well, gentlemen,
you evidently know what you want to do.
I don't.
So go ahead and do it yourselves.
Go on, go on, run the business.
And when you get into trouble, call on me,
and for this delightful vacation,
gentlemen, many thanks.
-Now that's no way, Jim.
-Can't help it. It's just how I feel.
I'm sick and tired of everything.
-Wait a minute. Where are you going?
-Some place to think.
-Oh, sorry.
-Oh, that's quite all right.
Thank you, thank you.
Jobs are hard to find, aren't they?
Well, you just have to
keep reading the ads and hoping.
Oh, would you
care for "Help Wanted, Male"?
Oh, thank you.
An ad you can answer?
No, I was just wondering,
what does "passementerie workers" mean?
I'm not sure.
I think it has something to do with beads.
-Then why don't they say beads?
-Oh, I don't know.
-Can you find anything?
-No, no. Nothing for my peculiar talents.
How about that snappy opportunity
for young man with money
to peddle an invention that does things
that's never been done before.
-Where's that?
-Oh, it's there somewhere, it always is.
Why do they put in ads
that require money to invest?
I'm afraid that's your question.
-lf you had any money, you...
-You wouldn't be reading the want ads.
Oh, it's tough these days.
About 200 people for every position.
How long is it since you've
been interviewed for a job?
I can't remember.
The only good ads are for couples.
Here's one for cook and butler,
"Must be able to do housework,
"attractive surroundings,
servant's quarters over garage.
"Cook must be exceptional
or don't bother to apply.
"Salary, $175 a month.
Rossini Manor, Longhaven."
$175. That's real money.
-Now, if you could only cook.
-Oh, I can cook. I'm a marvelous cook.
-Maybe there's an ad for a cook alone.
-I never thought of that...
Cook, cook, cook.
Well, better luck tomorrow.
I've been saying that every day.
Say, can you buttle?
Well, I can say, "Very good, sir"
and, "Dinner is served, madam."
You're swell.
Why don't we answer this ad together?
It could be done.
Oh, how does it sound to you?
What is it? Your pride?
You know, you can't be choosy about a job.
You think you're too good
to wield a broom?
Well, it's a little different
from what I've been doing.
So what?
Maybe it's the thing you're best fitted for.
Don't you realize
we can make this our lucky day?
Lucky day.
Mister, I'm going to sell you this idea
if we have to sit here all day,
because my landlady and I have
just come to the parting of the ways
and I don't feel like sleeping
in the park tonight.
Don't you realize?
It's a meal ticket for both of us.
If we landed this job,
you'd feel differently about everything.
-You guarantee that?
-What do you say?
Now you listen to me, mister.
The worst thing in the world is to get
where you close your mind to a new idea.
Any man who is up against it
and just sits back and does nothing
and is afraid to try something new,
why he's better off dead.
He is dead.
He doesn't know enough to lie down.
We are the new cooks and butler.
Right up the drive to the end of the house.
You been looking cook's job?
My wife, she cooks, I am the butler.
Man who lives there just crazy. Good luck.
Soon she will be ready.
Then we add the garlic.
Now we're coming to it, Flash.
We see what she gonna do with the garlic.
What I'd like to know is, can she fry an egg?
That's the trouble with you.
Food is just food!
But my stomach lives for good things.
For sauce flourney for six people,
a medium-sized piece of garlic, like this.
-I drop it in the sauce.
-You put the garlic in the sauce?
Not in my house
you don't put the garlic in the sauce!
Get out, get out, get out, get out!
-Can you imagine garlic in the sauce?
-Garlic in the sauce.
What are you doing hanging around?
What are you doing?
Get out, get out.
Will you give me
a small piece of garlic, please?
And you drop the garlic in the sauce, eh?
What do you mean, drop it in?
Well, all the cooks usually drop the garlic
in the sauce.
Garlic should never be used lavishly
in this particular sauce.
You want only the ghost of a shadow
of the flavor of garlic.
-Oh, just the ghost of a shadow, eh?
Of course, the proper thing is not to put
the garlic into the sauce at all.
You merely hold it suspended
between finger and thumb
6 inches above the saucepan,
and gently waft it back and forth like this.
You see? Not 2 inches, not 3 inches, but 6.
Taste that.
Give him a taste.
The job is yours.
Now, besides the other stuff
I want you to do around the house,
I want you to drive my car.
-You know anything about the cars?
-Oh, yes, sir.
Well, I just bought myself a Buchanan Eight.
I think I should be able to handle that, sir.
You got references, ain't you?
-Well, ain't you got references?
Or ain't you got no references?
You know, letters from the last place
where you work.
Well, unfortunately, sir, our trunks were lost
when we arrived on the boat
this morning from England.
-Surely you've heard of England, sir?
-What boat did you come on?
-The Mauretania.
-Who did you work for in England?
Why, it was Lady Blythe-Coffin.
Undoubtedly you've heard
of her ladyship, sir?
-How long were you on the job?
-About two years, I think. Wasn't it, dear?
-lt seemed as long as that, dear.
-Then why did you leave?
Well, I think I'd better let
my husband tell you that.
Well, you see, certain events occurred
which made me feel that the place
was not quite suitable
for a young person like my wife.
Oh, I see, Lord Blythe-Coffin, eh?
Oh, no, it wasn't Lord Blythe-Coffin,
it was Lady Blythe-Coffin. She drank.
Well, you don't object to drinking, do you?
Oh, no, no, sir, not at all,
but, you see, when Lady Blythe-Coffin
was under the influence
her behavior was simply shocking, sir.
For example, she'd receive her guests
by sliding down the banister.
You wouldn't do that, would you, sir?
Nobody'd ever catch me
sliding down the banisters.
-That's enough of that.
-What is your name?
That's a nice name.
-That's good enough, but yours?
-James, sir.
James. You know, I always wanted a butler
with the name of James!
That makes everything ducky.
Come on, I'll show you your rooms.
They're over the garage.
-Thank you.
-Thank you, sir.
Place to put your clothes, bathroom,
porch on the outside.
Is that the only bed?
What's the matter with it?
It's very comfortable.
Soft, springy, why, you even got the same
mattress as we got in the main house.
Here, Jamesie, you try it.
But, well, I thought the advertisement
said servants' quarters, Mr. Flash.
-Quarters, quarters.
Well, these are them.
What's wrong with them?
You get Thursdays
and every other Sunday off.
We ain't eating in tonight,
so you don't got to make dinner.
I hope you last longer than the others.
Well, it's not bad at all.
We ought to be very happy here, dear.
-Cozy and comfortable.
-You think so?
No, seriously, Joan,
it was a nice idea while it lasted.
-You're all ready to give up, aren't you?
-No, no, not at all.
The arrangement suits me all right.
-Here you are. Come on, give me a hand.
-What do you wanna do?
Put this out on the porch.
It'll make a swell bed.
Come on, come on, don't sit there gaping.
We'll alternate nights on the porch.
I know.
Yours when it's clear, mine when it rains.
Better yet, we'll flip a coin
and see which one gets the room.
-And which one gets pneumonia.
-It's better than a park bench.
Tell you what, heads you get the room,
tails I get it. All right?
All right.
-Heads, you get the room.
You know,
I think this is going to be all right.
It's almost better than Lady Blythe-Coffin's,
isn't it?
Tell me, how did you ever come
to think of her?
I had to. I had to do something
to get a roof over our heads.
Joan, you are the most eloquent liar
I've ever met.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-ls your name really James?
-Jim to you.
-Jim Burns.
-Well, that makes me Mrs. Burns, doesn't it?
You know, this is like the view from
the porch of the Westmore Country Club.
What do you know
about the Westmore Country Club?
Oh, I used to hang around there.
I see. The same season
I had the box at the Metropolitan, huh?
All right, you don't believe me.
I was the clerk there for a while.
Well, that's a pretty good job.
-Why did you leave?
-Oh, I don't know.
I didn't like some of the stuffed shirts
that hung around.
Besides, the hours were too long.
Well, they'll be longer here and you'll like it.
Why don't you stop picking on me
and tell me something about yourself?
Oh, there isn't much to tell,
except a lot of hard luck.
-Where did you learn to cook?
-I kept house for Dad.
That was at Hanover.
He was a college professor.
Then I came to New York
to look for a job after he died.
I see.
And it's been pretty tough sledding, has it?
I think cooking was the only thing
I didn't think of.
It was your idea.
The first good break I've had in months.
I think you've brought me luck.
Well, that's fine.
-Oh, I'm awfully tired. Let's turn in, huh?
-Well, good night.
-Good night.
Oh, you won't have to lock the door.
-Thanks. Good night.
-Good night.
-Why, good evening, sir.
-Good evening.
-How are you, Jennings?
-Quite well, sir.
-Did you forget your key, sir?
-And your hat, sir?
-No, I've got my key.
-l... Well, I mislaid my hat.
-Yes, sir.
I was worried about you, sir.
Mr. and Mrs. Hobart were here for dinner
and when you failed to appear...
-Look, get me a coat and hat, will you?
-Yes, sir.
-Leaving, sir?
-No, l...
I'm going to make another entrance
and I want to observe carefully
exactly what you do.
-I did something to displease you, sir?
-Oh, no, no, no, you were perfect.
-Good evening, sir.
-Good evening, Jennings. What's new?
Not much, sir.
Though I was worried about you, sir.
Mr. and Mrs. Hobart were here for dinner.
And when you failed to appear...
Now let's see how I do it.
-You take the hat and coat.
-Me, sir?
You're being me and I'm being you.
As you say, sir.
I must learn to be a perfect butler
in one lesson.
I want you to watch me carefully,
I don't want to do anything wrong.
-Oh, now I see, sir. A masquerade, sir?
-Yes, masquerade.
-Good evening, sir.
-Good evening, Jennings.
-Anything new?
-I was worried about you, sir.
Mr. and Mrs. Hobart were here for dinner,
but when you failed to appear...
How am I doing?
If I may say so, sir, a little clumsy, sir.
The outstanding characteristic
of a butler is unobtrusiveness
and your presence, sir, was very apparent
when you relieved me of the right sleeve.
But there are butlers in service
who do worse than you, sir.
-That's all I want to know.
-Yes, sir.
Any more tips on what
the well-mannered butler should do?
Well, sir, it's mostly a matter
of exercising good judgment,
except no matter what you think,
you never say it.
Oh, that's important.
You never say what you think,
but you do think what you say.
Well put, sir.
Then, too, sir, you must know your man.
You must know the master
of the house like a book.
Most times, sir, you'll find it
a very uninteresting and uninspiring book,
but it's all part of the job, sir.
Even though your instincts,
your background,
your impulses are finer,
you must always make him think he is right.
Absolutely right, sir.
You must give him the impression
you are hanging
on every word he says,
even though it is dribble, sir.
-Oh, is that what you do?
-Why, yes, sir.
-No, sir.
-It's all right, Jennings.
Don't worry. It's all off the record.
Would you like to have your messages, sir?
There have been a number of inquiries,
Tell them all I've gone fishing.
-Your secretary has been calling, sir.
-Miss Fletcher is constantly enquiring, sir.
-Fishing where, sir?
-You don't know.
It's miles away from here. Another world.
I'm fishing for something I've been missing.
Fishing for a certain sort of happiness.
-Yes, sir.
-But don't tell them that.
-Just say I've gone fishing for fish.
-Fishing for fish. Yes, sir.
And pack a few of my things,
will you, Jennings?
-Just what I shall need for buttling.
-Yes, sir.
-And a whiskey and soda.
-Yes, sir.
Mr. Buchanan's residence.
Oh, yes. Miss Fletcher.
I just heard from him, miss. He's fishing.
Yes, miss, fishing for fish.
Of all the insane things.
With the wedding a week away, he's fishing.
As long as I've known Jim Buchanan,
he's never been the slightest bit
interested in fish.
Why, he doesn't know a swordfish
from a trout.
Oh, I wish the wedding were over.
This sudden fishing trip.
There's something funny about it.
When Jim gets a crazy notion into his head,
there's no telling what he might do.
He's got me worried.
I don't know what you're worrying about.
As long as he's not worrying about you
and asking a lot of questions,
Iet him fish.
Jennings, frankly,
do you think I'm out of my mind?
I'm hoping for the best, sir.
Jim, it's time to get up.
-Where have you been?
-Right here all the time.
You weren't here a minute ago.
-Are you certain?
I thought you'd walked out on me.
Walked out on you?
My dear, Joan, you're talking to Jim Burns,
of the true-blue Burnses.
Well, look, please don't let this happen
again unless you give me warning.
Fair enough. Sorry.
Oh, Joan, I went to town to get my bag.
None of your clothes would fit me.
Look, here are a couple of uniforms for you.
Where'd you get them?
From the Customs' Office.
They found our luggage.
These are waffles.
That's what Mr. Rossini said.
If this is a sample of your cooking,
I think we ought to ask for a raise.
If this is a sample of your appetite,
we'll be lucky if we keep the job.
How about giving me a hand
with these dishes?
-All right, boss.
Thank you.
I worked my way through college doing this.
Next you'll be telling me you went to Yale.
Smile when you say that. It was Harvard.
From Harvard to dishwashing.
You probably went through Harvard
on a rubberneck bus.
Is that so?
I've got an engineer's degree.
Yes, and what has it gotten you?
I tinker about with automobiles.
You should see my automotive designs.
You and Mr. Chrysler and James Buchanan.
And who?
Buchanan. Don't tell me
you've never heard of him?
I've heard of him.
He didn't have any better start than you.
But he made something of himself.
What do you know
about this Buchanan fellow?
-I know him well.
-You know James Buchanan well?
You think you're the only man I've ever met.
How did you come to meet Buchanan?
-You'd be surprised.
-I would.
Tell me, how was it
you ever let him get engaged to this girl?
Well, that was a mistake,
because he's just my type.
Your type?
I always heard he was fat and 40
with a wart on his nose.
Well, there's nothing the matter
with his millions.
Is money the only thing
that really matters to you?
Not everything. But it does help.
Just how much would you be satisfied with?
Enough to pay the butcher and the baker
and keep love from flying out the window.
That's how much?
Well, I'd settle for $5 million.
Would you take $1 million
if the right man came with it?
I'll tell you what I'll do.
-Make it two and I'll take a chance.
-No, no. One million's all you can have.
Go on, give her the $2 million.
What can you lose?
And after you do that, big shot,
the boss wants you to bring out the car.
That's cooking sherry.
I know, but it'll have to do.
I've got to get up nerve
to receive the guests.
Just who's coming? Do you know?
Four extra. That's all he told me.
Will you come in, sir?
May I take your hat, sir?
What name shall I say, sir?
Very good, sir.
-What are you doing?
-Rehearsing, madam.
There's the front door.
Wish me luck.
Flip over the lid.
Well, boys, we've got a lot to talk about.
How about it?
-Go ahead.
-Deal it right out.
Well, I told Flash, I told Flash that
if I'm gonna do a big job,
I want to surround myself with the creams.
That's why you're here.
Well, some of them ain't exactly pasteurized,
but it's the best I could do in a pinch.
You see, what I've got on my mind is that...
You see, boys, it's this way.
Since they put the can on the prohibition,
I've been sitting around doing nothing.
In the old days,
there wasn't a bootlegger in my class,
even if I do say it myself.
But this laying off is killing me.
I got to get going again.
I got a craving for excitement.
So I say to myself, well...
I gather that Mr. Rossini
is not one of our best people.
Why? What have you heard?
Do you know, today has been the
coldest day since the 10th of June, 1895?
So you won't talk?
I'll say this much.
I think we ought to get out of here.
And go back to a park bench?
You're a sissy.
What do you want us to do?
Embark on a life of crime?
Look, all we have to do is say nothing,
see nothing and hear nothing,
until we find another job.
That is, of course,
unless you die of fright in the meantime.
And there's just one thing
that's got to be clear.
Mike Rossini is in the driver's seat
and you guys just giddyup
when I crack the whip.
And if there is anybody here
who don't understand,
now is the time to get your hat.
Is this lobster thermidor
or is that lobster thermidor?
I don't know. Is it?
Where is that guy? James. James.
I'm sorry, sir, James is putting the car away.
That's all right.
All we wanted was two whiskeys and a soda.
I'll get them for you, sir.
I wonder why a dame like that
falls for a butler?
The lucky stiff.
You know, I don't think
I'm going to like that guy.
For my money, I wouldn't have
either one of them around the joint.
If you ask me,
I don't think they're really servants.
Did you notice her hands?
Her hands? Sure. They're very pretty.
Too pretty for dishwater and brooms.
If she's ever done housework before,
I'm an embroidery designer.
-Shall I mix them for you, sir?
No wonder that Lady What's-her-name
slid down the banisters.
-Will that be all, sir?
-That's all, thanks.
If she was your wife,
would you sleep on the porch?
No, why?
Our James sleeps on the porch.
The whole thing ain't kosher.
Something is wrong.
-How do you know all about this?
-I was snooping around.
I'm surprised.
I'm ashamed you'd do a thing like that.
If that's the kind of a life they want to live,
that's their business,
and I don't want no more snooping.
-Did you ring, sir?
-Yes, Joan.
Sit down. Go on, sit down.
You know, I can't tell you
how satisfied I am with your services here.
-Thank you.
-You're a good cook, excellent cook.
-And believe me, from me, that is something.
-Yes, sir.
That lobster thermidor you made last night
was beautiful.
And to show you I appreciate the real talent,
I got a little present for you.
-Look at this.
-Mr. Rossini.
-You like that?
-Of course I like it.
-It's beautiful, but I couldn't accept it.
-Why not?
Well, I'm afraid
you don't know my husband, sir.
Well, if he can't afford something like this,
then why should he deprive you of it?
-You two are happy?
-Yes, sir.
But he sleeps on the porch.
Well, that's what he likes, sir.
That's a crazy idea.
-I've a roast in the oven and...
-You got a roast in the oven?
-Yes, and if you'll excuse me, I think l...
-But the roast can wait a minute?
You know, I think you're a silly little girl
not to take me up on this.
No strings, I promise. Now go try it on.
What's the use?
Well, this is made for a pretty girl like you
and I'm dying to see it on you.
Come on. Put it on over your uniform.
Well, I guess there's no harm in that.
It's really lovely.
Yes. But no more than you.
Mr. Rossini.
-I'm not hard to take, l...
-Stop, please.
I beg pardon, sir.
I was just trying to persuade your wife
to accept this little present.
I like her cooking
and I want to show her my appreciation.
So I noticed, sir.
But you're not going to appreciate
any more of my wife's cooking,
-'cause we're leaving at once.
-But, James, you don't understand.
-Does he, Joan?
-I understand plenty.
Come on,
before I knock this fellow on the nose.
Well, I'm all packed. How about you?
Will you please sit down and discuss this
like a sensible human being?
No, I will not. We're leaving.
And that's all there is to it.
He's lucky he didn't get a punch in the nose,
the oily so-and-so.
Get packed. Come on.
And lose a perfectly swell job?
Where's your self-respect?
Look, I've been trying to tell you,
there's nothing vicious about Rossini.
I know a little something about myself
and he's as harmless as a kitten.
You mean you liked it?
Why didn't you say so?
You act as though I rushed into his arms.
Well, how do I know? Maybe you did.
Well, I didn't and I didn't like it.
You weren't doing very much about it
when I saw you.
I couldn't bite him, could l?
No. Women never do at times like that.
They're too busy feeling
pleased and flattered.
And in conclusion, let me tell you this.
You may feel that you wish to ignore
an insult hurled into your teeth,
but I'm not going on working for a man
who spends his time figuring out ways
to paw my wife behind my back.
Your wife?
And he took her by the arms
and he walked right out with her.
All I make out of it is
you made a sap of yourself.
But she must not quit.
I will get in my cage and behave myself
if she will only keep on cooking for me.
-And if she won't?
-Well, we'll never get another cook as good.
You mean we've got to go through
all those garlic tests again?
-Listen, chief, anything but that.
I'll sell them this job if I have to give them
your apologies and double salary.
Flash, you're a pal.
And triple it if you have to.
You know, at double the salary I find
I can polish a shoe three times as fast.
How about you?
I'll need double the salary.
Here's my big bankroll leaving me flat.
Only three more days before the marriage.
-What marriage?
-James Buchanan.
Oh, well, a girl has to bear up.
Just gave you the air?
No, not exactly. He was pretty fond of me,
even though he wasn't downright serious.
Funny he gave you up
without even a struggle.
Don't you believe it. He struggled plenty.
Poor James,
he just couldn't make up his mind.
I'll never forget how he came to me
after he was engaged and said,
"Joan, dear, I can't give you up for her."
I settled it for him.
You did?
I showed him how
he and I could never hit it off together.
Evelyn was his kind. I wasn't.
Anyway, it was too late.
No gentleman would practically
leave his bride waiting at the church.
Just wasn't supposed to be, that's all.
It's my luck to catch somebody like you.
Well, I hope it won't be as bad as that.
Well, drop the other one
and get it over with.
Nice time to be coming home.
How time flies.
Go ahead. Why don't you tell me
you've been out on the porch all this time?
No, I never use the same line twice.
You know you can't get away with it.
Really, I don't know why
you bother to come home at all.
Why don't you just stay out all night?
Because I was all through.
Well, that's being frank enough.
Just how long do you think
I'm going to put up with this sort of thing?
-Well, why don't you say something?
-No intention of explaining yourself.
-I can.
Do you think I'd believe you?
Where have you been?
To town to get these.
Would you like to see them?
Don't bother. You've made it plain enough
that it's none of my business.
Pussyfooting around with
whatever it is at this hour of the morning.
What kind of a fool
do you think that makes out of me?
Do you think I want Flash
or anybody feeling sorry for me?
There's a fine type of man
to be worrying about.
For all you know, he's a good, decent,
clean-living man outside of his profession.
Wouldn't dream of treating his wife this way.
When were we married?
But really, Jim,
we've got to keep up appearances.
I appreciate that.
Now, if you just tell me
when you want to do these sort of things,
why, then I wouldn't worry, you see?
You mean worry about appearances, or me?
It's too early in the morning to be playful.
You have a couple of hours to sleep
and I hope it's good and cold out there.
Thank you so very much.
What's in that package?
These? They're just a few portraits
of some women I've known
I got lonesome for, you know?
-Let me see them.
-I don't know that I'd care to do that.
-lt'd seem like bragging.
-Come on, come on.
This is one of my greatest flames.
But isn't that beautiful.
Whose are they?
Well, mine.
Those are the designs I told you about.
I like the expression. Very nice compliment.
-lt makes my trip to town so worthwhile.
-My goodness.
What do you expect me to do?
Springing something like this on me.
Why, they're perfectly gorgeous.
Hey, Mike, wake up, wake up.
Come on, wake up.
Come on, pal, collect yourself. I got news.
Come on, wake up.
Come on.
Come on, get up.
-Hey, what's the matter?
-Plenty's the matter.
-Well, what happened?
-Did I ever go to sleep on a job?
That's a crazy question
at this time of the morning.
Well, get a load of this.
The Mauretania was junked two months ago.
Mauretania? I don't even know the guy.
-It's a boat.
-Whose boat?
How do I know?
Well, get out of here, get out of here.
Go on, get out.
Listen to this.
If them two was on the Mauretania...
-What two?
-The cook and the butler.
Listen, if them two was on the Mauretania
like they said,
then they're still in England. Get it?
Well, so what?
They lied because they needed the job.
Now listen, Flash, that girl can cook.
Now once and for all, you've got to quit
snooping around those two.
It's too late. I did my snooping.
Get this. It's the middle of the night.
He climbs down the porch, he sneaks out.
I follow him.
-And where do you think he winds up?
-Don't ask me riddles.
The Buchanan Building.
As cool as a cucumber,
he walks into the company's office
with a skeleton key. I'm still following
right behind him, old faithful.
Then what do you think he does?
He turns on the lights.
-Can you top that?
-He must be crazy.
Crazy as a fox.
Then he walks right to the safe.
You should've seen him.
Without that much hesitation,
with a twist this way and a twist that,
he's got it as open as a baby's face.
Why, he makes guys like Al
look like amateurs.
Then he helps himself to some papers
and breezes out of the joint
as if he owned it.
Tell me, is that a butler
or is that a wise guy?
He's a very smart guy
and he's using this job to cover up.
Well, I hate to say, "l told you so."
Say, Flash, I got an idea.
You better snoop around
and watch that fellow.
Mr. Burns, will you help me to decide
which car to take?
With pleasure, madam.
There's the sedan now. A car for all uses.
Indispensable to the active woman.
I would suggest it in an opalescent yellow
to match the indescribably
beautiful gold of your hair.
My, my, I just must have the sedan.
And the limousine in deepest black
to set you off as the beauty you really are.
I can't resist the limousine.
And above all, the sports roadster
to carry you along over the open road
on a sparkling day with your hair
streaming back from your adorable brow.
I'll take all three and the salesman, too,
if he'll only come down to Earth.
Madam, we aim to please.
Jim, I just can't get over them.
I won't believe they can't be sold.
-Have you really tried to sell them?
-I certainly have.
-The big shots wouldn't see me.
-I don't understand it.
You know, Jim, I have an idea that someday
we'll see these cars all over New York.
What a day that'll be for you.
I don't know.
I couldn't be any happier
than I am now, Joan.
Well, tomorrow morning arrived just in time.
Our day off and this is the day
we spend together as planned.
Yes, Jim.
I'm so sorry,
I won't be able to make it after all.
Why not?
Well, something came up
that I just must attend to.
Come on now. I've been counting on this.
I've a lot to talk about.
Well, you'll have to do it in an hour.
I'll meet you for lunch.
There's a little restaurant on 43rd Street,
the Spic and Span.
12:00, and see that you're prompt.
-ls that the best you can do?
-The best.
Now you go get some sleep
and I'll serve breakfast to Rossini.
Why, Mr. Buchanan,
it's good to see you back.
I'm not back.
-ls Bob Howard here?
-Yes, sir.
I want to see him in my office at once.
He's not to tell anyone I'm here.
-I'm still fishing.
-Yes, sir.
You're the first one to see these designs,
Mr. Balderson.
I put the Atlas Company
at the head of my list.
Now, if you accept them, the Atlas Company
will create a new style in automobiles.
Jim, that's my husband,
is just full of original ideas like these.
I thought that if you're interested
you might like to have him come in
and talk to you.
If you don't mind my criticizing,
Mr. Balderson,
the Atlas car has been the same
year after year.
Now, if you came out with an entirely
new series, it would stimulate sales.
I knew you'd like them.
What's this chap's name? This designer?
Jim Burns. See? There's his initials, there.
Jim Burns?
Do you mind sitting here for a while?
I'll be back shortly.
Well, I have a luncheon engagement
at 12:00,
but if you want to show them to someone,
I'd be glad to leave them here.
No, no. You sit right there.
All right, Frank. I'll send them over to you
the first thing in the morning.
Do you think you'd know
a James Buchanan design if you saw one?
Who wouldn't?
He's got a style you can't mistake.
Take a look at these.
Yes. That's Buchanan's touch, all right.
He's even initialed them.
Get me James Buchanan.
I knew those were Buchanan's
the minute I laid eyes on them.
-I don't understand.
-Neither do l.
I've seen some brazen confidence men,
but that girl in there is...
Yes, Mr. Buchanan's secretary?
Well, there's someone here offering me
some automobile designs
that I think belong to Mr. Buchanan.
-Do you know anything about them?
-Why, yes, Mr. Balderson.
We've been turning the office upside down
looking for them.
They've been missing from the safe.
I thought it was something like that.
I'll get the designs back to you right away,
and I think the best thing to do
with the young lady
is to turn her over to the police. Goodbye.
You must be crazy, Jim.
You can't go off on a park bench
and get hooked up
with some dame and then...
She's no dame.
All right, all right,
she's a diamond in the rough,
but it's impossible.
No, it's my marriage to Evelyn
that's impossible.
You've made up your mind to that,
have you?
Well, now that's nice, but wait
till you see tomorrow's newspapers.
"Auto Magnate Jilts Society Bride
on Eve of Wedding.
"Gives Socialite the Air for Kitchen Slavey."
Had his stomach
where his heart should have been.
-You're a great help.
-And what about this?
"Buchanan Motor Stock
Dumped on the Market.
"President Rumored lnsane."
Don't you worry, Jim.
You're young, you can start all over again
and if things get too bad,
you can buttle now.
Will you stop it?
Well, then for heaven's sakes, Jim,
come to your senses.
I really must be going now, Mr. Balderson,
to keep my...
Yeah, you're going with me, sister.
You've got a little explaining to do
about those automobile designs
down at police headquarters.
You're a policeman?
Come on.
Let me go. What do you mean?
Now, Mrs. Burns, please don't make a scene.
-But, Mr. Balderson, l...
-Save your breath.
If you must talk, tell me where
I can find that husband of yours.
-My husband?
-Yeah. I want him, too.
You mean the police are looking for Jim?
Yeah. Where is he?
I don't know. I haven't any husband.
Really, I'm not married. I was just lying. I...
Come on.
Of course you realize
the seriousness of this offense.
The sketches were stolen from the safe
of the Buchanan Company.
-But I didn't take them, I tell you.
-Who did?
-I don't know.
-You know where you got them, don't you?
Well, I won't tell. I can't.
Didn't you tell Mr. Balderson
your husband gave them to you?
-I haven't any husband.
-We won't quibble about it.
-Maybe it was your boyfriend.
-Look, nobody took them.
I found them and I thought that
if I could sell them and get some money,
it might be a good idea.
Well, where did you find them?
Won't you please believe me?
I've told you my story.
We want the truth and we're going to get it.
Lock her up, Bill.
I've been looking all over town for you.
Say, on the cook's night out
you'll always find me at this,
the best place in town to get roast beef.
Come on, have some.
No, thanks.
I hate to disturb your digestion,
but I got to tell you this.
-Your cook is in the jug.
J-A-l-L. Jug.
I had one of the boys tagging her.
She was pinched
at the Atlas Motor Company.
Pinched? What for? What did she do?
Maybe the inspector didn't appreciate
her sauce flourney,
and to make that roast beef
even more indigestible,
friend-husband took a runout powder on her
and left her this little poetic sprig.
The dirty rat. He pulled a fast one on her.
And left her holding the bag. Poor kid.
-Well, shall I put an ad in for another cook?
You get Hopkins on the phone
and he'll bail her out right away.
Now, come on. Come on, get it going.
Get it going, get it going.
Quick. Come on, hurry up. Go on. Hurry up.
I wish I could tell you
how much I appreciate this, Mr. Rossini.
I ain't started yet.
When it comes to the trial,
you won't have nothing to worry about.
The finest lawyers
in the country behind you.
But I haven't done anything.
Really, I haven't.
I'm terribly worried about Jim.
Don't worry about that guy.
He can take care of himself.
Show her that letter, Mike.
There, there,
everything is going to be all right.
Now he's not worth worrying about.
Didn't you know about his racket
when you married him?
I never married him.
Well, how a nice girl like you happen to
get hooked up with a mug like that?
He isn't a mug.
Well, how he happen to
sell you that bill of goods?
How you happen to fall for him?
The Depression.
I've heard a lot of things
blamed on the Depression.
-This omelet is burned.
-I'm sorry, sir.
That's all right. I understand.
Come sit down. I want to talk to you.
You know, no girl's got a reason
to go around moping, eating out her heart.
No man's worth that.
Even if it isn't James, there's plenty of fish
in the sea and better fish.
It's very nice of you to console me, sir.
Console you? Nobody's dead.
Just think of the whole thing
as a good riddance.
Only be careful don't make another mistake.
Put your bet on a good horse next time.
Next time.
You know, I had a hunch
you wasn't married,
that's why I made a play for you.
And I still think you're pretty swell.
You make it very difficult for me to stay, sir,
unless you treat me like a cook.
But I don't want to treat you like no cook.
I want to treat you like you was a...
Well, like you was Mrs. Rossini.
Yes, I'm re-proposing to you.
When I make up my mind, I make it up fast.
You really don't mean that, Mr. Rossini.
I'm afraid your stomach's gotten
the better of your heart.
No, sir.
You just say the word
and you can have anything in the world.
Townhouse, country house, cars, yachts.
I'll even turn my whole life around.
I'll quit the rackets and start clean.
And that's more than James did for you.
I'm sorry.
When I make up my mind,
I don't make it up so fast.
Mike. Mike, take a gander at this.
"James Buchanan to Marry Evelyn Fletcher
at High Noon Today." So what?
Take a look at the picture.
-Why, that's James.
-That's Buchanan.
But then why should a guy like that
pass himself off to me as a butler?
Because he's nuts.
Or maybe he wants to be near that tomato.
You know, some guys do very funny things
when there's a lady in the case.
And all the time
he was fooling around with her,
he was going to marry this pain in the neck?
You know, a guy like that
ought to be rubbed out.
Rubbed out.
-Flash, you're going to a wedding.
-I'm going to a wedding?
-Whose wedding?
And what do I do? Give away the bride?
Yeah, but this wedding's
not going to happen.
Buchanan's going to meet
with a very serious accident.
That's carrying things pretty far.
-Yeah, but he deserves it.
-But she's only your cook.
I'm going to marry her, Flash.
And what I'm asking you to do is
-just a part of the wedding present.
-Well, that sort of changes things.
And you ain't got much time.
Better pick up some of the boys.
-Would you care for some hot coffee, sir?
-No, thanks, Joan.
Wait a minute, Joan.
What would you say if I told you that
James' real name was Buchanan?
James Buchanan.
-James Buchanan?
It is Jim.
James Buchanan.
What a monkey he made out of me.
Why, he must have been laughing at me
all the time.
Getting a great kick out of kidding me along.
Bet he's telling his friends
about me right now.
Thinks it's a swell joke.
That's his rotten idea of a joke.
And I was sap enough to fall for him.
Sweating down at the inspector's office.
Going through a third degree
to save him from jail.
Save him from jail
for stealing his own designs.
I'd like to get my hands on him.
I bet he'd laugh
out of the other side of his face.
I hate him. I wish I'd never known him.
There ought to be a law
against parks and benches.
There ought to be a law against him.
He ain't gonna worry you no more.
You just leave it to me.
I'd like to see you
wipe up the floor with him.
That's just the way I feel about it.
I'm way ahead of you.
He ain't going to blow hot and cold
with a sweet kid like you
and get away with it.
But he is getting away with it and how.
Didn't I tell you to leave it to me?
I'm going the limit for you, Joan,
and no matter what I do,
it's better than the skunk deserves.
I got it all fixed.
There's going to be no wedding
and no Buchanans.
No Buchanan?
You... You don't mean
you're going to kill him?
Flash is giving my order to the boys
right now,
and once he gives an order
it's as good as done.
So Buchanan is off your mind. Forget him!
-But this is horrible.
-Well, those things are never nice.
Mr. Rossini, you've got to stop Flash.
You've got to stop him fast.
What's the idea?
Didn't you just say
you'd leave Buchanan to me?
I didn't know what I was talking about.
If anything happened to Jim, I'd die.
Don't you see
what I was saying was only words?
I don't care what he's done, I love him.
Well, you can't let this happen.
Now look, this is my affair
and you keep out of it.
Only get Flash and stop him
before anything happens, please.
He can marry her. I don't care, really.
-All right. I'll fix it.
Thanks. You're very sweet.
Keep the change.
Stick 'em up. Stick 'em up. Come on.
All right, you monkeys, stick 'em up.
Come on, get 'em up. Get 'em up.
Stick 'em up. Didn't you hear the boss?
Come on, stick 'em up, fancy pants.
You putting them up or ain't you?
Stick 'em up.
Hiya, James.
-What's the meaning...
-Shut up.
James, you're going
on a little honeymoon with us.
-You'll find the wedding presents...
-Shut up.
He's the only present we want.
Come on, Jamesie.
Well, do something, can't you?
-I'm open to any suggestions...
-Come on, get going.
Come on.
I got a car spotted out back.
-I'll get everything ready.
Get 'em up! Get 'em up!
In one way, boys, I don't mind this at all.
-But I would like to know...
-Relax, Romeo.
We're just going to take you for a little ride.
Hey, Flash, here comes the boss.
-It's off.
The rubout is off. It's going to be a grab.
-A grab?
-That's all.
-Take him to my house.
-Gee, this job gets pleasanter every minute.
-Come on, get going, quick.
-Okay. Come on.
Pull down the shade.
-I got a car.
Get in my car. Come on, quick.
How much do you want?
We may as well get this over fast.
In a hurry to get back to the blushing bride?
Well, I can't say I relish this company.
And I don't relish yours.
But the boss wants to see you.
He's funny that way.
Come on. Stop moping. Speed it up.
Sorry, buddy, but you can't get away with it.
What do you mean, I can't get away with it?
Look, up in the city they have an ordinance
against unnecessary noise.
The cans, they've got to come off.
-Do I have to?
-Yeah, come on. We'll give you a hand.
Now don't, darling, please.
Come on, honeybunch,
put your head on daddy's shoulder.
Don't, darling. Please don't.
Come on, honeybunch, let me see you smile.
Now, sugarplum,
put your head on daddy's shoulder.
That's the girlie.
Now give popsie-wopsie a itty-bitty kiss.
Okay, boys, take her away.
I hope all your troubles are little ones.
I'll arrange the details.
Well, just in time for a little wedding?
All you got to do to save your hide
is to say "l do" in the right places.
-Am I marrying somebody?
-No cracks.
-May I ask...
-You ask nothing.
I'm running the whole works.
Boys, bring him in. Come on.
Hello, cookie. The chief wants to see you
in the living room.
-What for?
-I wouldn't know. You'll be surprised.
These three are my boys,
Al, Swig and Chesty.
The groom's in here.
-That's one of my boys, Pete.
-Hello, Pete.
-And the groom.
-Where's the bride?
-I'm mildly interested myself.
-Hey, pipe it down, you.
Hey, Mike, the bride.
Rossini, you're a genius.
I couldn't have planned this better myself.
Thanks, old man.
Hey, Pete, keep him covered.
Maybe he'll try to pull a fast one on us.
What'd you come back for?
Our blessings and congratulations
on your marriage?
But he couldn't be married, my dear,
without a bride.
That's where you come in! You're the bride.
It seems the bride wasn't consulted.
Didn't I tell you I'd fix this thing up?
Here's your man
and there's the justice of the peace
and we're here to see that it comes off
without a hitch. Now, let's get going.
So I'm the bride? Well, isn't that lovely?
Didn't it occur to anyone
to consult me about this?
Well, it's all right with you, ain't it?
You told me you loved him.
-She did?
-Hey, what's the big idea, sister?
-Trying to give us the runaround?
-You just don't understand.
I'm not in love with him.
He's James Buchanan.
I was talking to you about Jim Burns.
Who's goofy now?
Jim Burns is his phony handle.
Sure. Jim Burns and James Buchanan
is the same man.
Not to me.
He isn't the man I was talking to you about.
-Well, what are you going to do now?
-I'm going to have a drink.
-I need it.
Come on, boys. Have a little drink.
Come on, drink it.
-Have a little bit, sir?
Gentlemen. Gentlemen!
It's very bad policy to drink
when you have business to attend to.
Well, I have no business, I'm through.
Go on home.
No. You're far from through.
On the contrary, you're only just beginning.
Somebody's got to find me a bride.
You heard her say she didn't want you.
Now scram.
Well, I guess I'll just wait
until the police come.
-The police?
-What do you mean, police?
You gentlemen seem to have forgotten.
I've been snatched away
from in front of 350 people.
Fortunately, my friend Bob knows
where I am.
When the police arrive, I shall have
to tell them I've been held here by force.
It's a federal offense, gentlemen.
I think they string people up
for such peccadilloes nowadays.
-You can't do that.
-We ain't holding you here.
I doubt whether the police will believe that.
-What do you expect us to do?
-Find me another bride.
I told you my mind is set
on getting married today.
-You're crazy.
-I know, but I still want to get married.
You've dragged me away from one wedding,
now you'll have to furnish me with another.
We can't do nothing. She don't want you.
I'm afraid you'll have to convince her, boys,
you'll just have to convince her.
If you can't...
Please, Joan, you've got to do it for me.
He ain't a bad guy.
Won't you please marry him?
No, I won't. I'm going away from here.
Open the door, please.
Let's talk this thing over sensible. Please.
Well, how are you doing, boys?
-Well, she don't want no part of you.
-And I don't blame her.
What's the idea of
palming yourself off as a butler
and busting the girl's heart?
I bust her heart?
Look what she's doing to me.
The only reason I stayed here so long
was because I loved her.
-But you're too late.
-I'm not late at all.
You get her to marry me or I'll turn
the bunch of you over to the police.
You think you will?
You know what we do to squealers?
You can't frighten me.
Before the cops get here,
you'll be a dead herring.
Is that so? Well, go ahead and fire away.
You don't think we mean business?
Well, let him have it, boys.
-I guess that'll hold you.
-I didn't believe it.
Oh, my darling! Darling!