If You Were the Last (2023) Movie Script


It was irresponsible.
- Irresponsible?
- Absolutely.
They spent what?
A trillion dollars plus countless man hours,
not to mention political capital,
trying to get one dude back from Mars.
- Political capital?
- It united the world.
Yeah, for a hot second, but what if they failed?
Everyone would have been like, um, excuse me,
you know there are people dying here, right?
People are always dying on Earth.
You can't change that.
But if you get the opportunity
to bring back Matt Damon--
No, screw Matt Damon.
That's just harsh.
Dude, it costs an average
of $1,200 to save a life.
When you give money to charity--
the ones that are actually gonna save lives
are the ones that clean water and give out
medicine and stuff, right?
Matt Damon's charity literally cleans water.
So when you factor in administrative costs,
and how many people would
actually die without help,
that works out to 1,200 bucks per life.
Okay, so what you're saying
is, you take a trillion
and divided by 1,200 and you can save
833 million people's lives on Earth?
You just do that math right now?
I'm wicked smart.
I know, it's just, you look like so dumb.
- Dang.
- Boom.

You really don't think
they're sending anybody to save us?
I mean...
I'm sure they're doing what they can.
Within reason.
Benson would probably take your side.
Yeah, well, Benson went crazy.
- Play again?
- You wanna lose again?
I just don't think we should wait around
to be saved, you know?
We gotta save ourselves.
Or accept the inevitability of our fates.
One of the two.
Two of the three.
- Three of the four.
- Comme ci, comme a.
Girl, it feels so good
To know you're mine

You've got the love that keeps me going
Forever and ever
You've got the love
You've got the love that keeps me going
Forever and ever
Hope you
enjoy the

- Come on! Come on!
- Come on! Come on!
You might as well give up now.
I'm clearly dominating you.
I'll dominate your face!

Wait, two?
Don't you only have, like, ten left?
Yeah, I know, but...
my blueberry and marijuana hybrid won't flower,
so blowing off some steam.
Well, go nuts, kid.
But don't pop and drive.

Your mama called!
She said she doesn't miss you
and you're gonna lose.
Oh. Your mama called.
And she said she's your sister,
you smell like poop, and you're gonna lose.
My mom is my sister?

Come on, we gon' watch a movie.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
- Okay.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- "Die Hard."
- "Casablanca."
- "Die Hard."
- "Casablanca." Come on.
"Casablanca" is the best love story ever.
I want Hans Gruber.
Why would you do that?
Hans Gruber.
"Sense and Sensibility."
It's Hans Gruber in a love story.
Come on.
- Okay.
- Boom. Look at that.
Get comfortable.
This is kinda great.

Hey, girl.
Error. Comms fail.
Please contact your nearest NASA representative.
It's your girl DJ J-J-Jane.
Coming to you live from outer space.
And we've got a sick lineup for you all,
so buckle up and enjoy the ride.
Navigation failed.
I wanna be
As free as that white line in the sky
You can stay
In these last evil days if you want to
You ready?
Well, have you tried the
raspberries or the blackberry?
Yes, I've tried everything.
But the blueberry is the one
that's most genetically in line
with the marijuana plant, so it should work.
Well, I believe in you.
You'll figure it out.
Thanks, Mom.
- All right.
- What's the verdict?
Oh, you're gonna see.
Oh, no.
No, not the cowboy hat.
Can you at least play Dolly?
Not gonna happen.
When you played Bieber, I didn't say anything.
It's my turn, and I wanna two-step.
We can two-step, that is fine,
but could we do it to something
less soul suckingly awful?
- No.
- Please?
Come on, I'm sure you have something in there
that's actually good.
- Oh.
- Now you go forward.
Bring it back.
Then it's one, two, three, jump rope.
- That's cute.
- Then you turn.
- You did this lots, right?
- Yeah.
One, two, three, then you jump.
- Hey.
- Okay, okay.
- Turn. Oh.
- Oh.
- Uh, uh, uh, ah!
- Hey.
Ha, ha, ha, turn.
An old-fashioned girl
But her style was hard to beat
Hey! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Clap. Oh, oh, oh, bang!
Give me that snake.
Oh. Oh.
Pause. Get it. Get it.
Whoo! Ah.
There it is. There it is.
Go back, go back.
Under cover lover, baby
Mm. Mm.
- Oh.
- Oh, we're turning.
Mm. Mm.
I need to call you out on something.
I was walking through the greenhouse this morning,
and I stepped in some milky goop.
- Oh.
- My bad.
- Dude.
- What?
I thought I cleaned it all up.
That's where our food grows.
That's where the girls sleep.
Oh, my God, were they...
Watching you?
They're chickens.
- Ew.
- All right.
That's enough slut shaming.
I am not shaming you.
Masturbation is, like, super healthy.
But I keep it in my room
because I'm not a dirty ho.
Dirty ho?
Maybe we should do it.
Do what?
- What?
- What?
What? I'm serious.
Oh, man. He's lost it.
Look, in case you haven't noticed,
we're doomed to spend the
rest of our miserable lives
floating around on this ship.
So it would be crazy for us not to bang, right?
Well, when you put it like that.
So you're in?
- No.
- Why not?
Look, first of all,
I don't need a reason not to sleep with you.
I need a reason to have sex with you.
Uh, floating through space.
Uh, boredom.
The fact that, other than Benson,
I'm your only viable option.
See, I can think of three excellent reasons
right off the top of my head why we shouldn't,
as you put it so romantically, bang.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Well, moment of clarification.
I'm not talking about romance, okay?
This is completely void of emotion.
All right?
This is all about us
using sex as a stress reliever.
Oh, no, I get it.
Okay, so what are your three great--
Ow! Oh.
- Sorry. No, actually--
- Are you okay?
It's nothing. Yeah.
- What were you saying?
- What happened?
It's really--it's just a little scratch.
That's not a scratch.
It was just the freaking tool cart.
Look, you need some antibiotics.
No, we only have one course left.
I am not using it on this little cut.
Well, what if the infection spreads?
People don't die from little cuts.
Yeah, because they use antibiotics.
It's fine.
So you were saying?
You were saying why we
shouldn't do sex on each other.
Well, number one, I'm not attracted to you.
That's an argument for, not against.
Because if we were attracted to each other,
then "banging" could possibly turn into something
and it would get messy.
- Super messy.
- Right.
So the fact that you're not attracted to me
is a benefit because we don't have to worry
about getting messy.
Quick pinch.
So wait.
You are not attracted to me, either?
Absolutely not.
- Do you want me to be?
- No.
Obviously, not.
I'm just surprised this is the first time
us "banging" has occurred to you.
I didn't say that.
You've never thought about it?
I mean, you have the only
penis for a million miles.
There you go.
So let's keep this dry and clean.
And if it starts to hurt, you let me know ASAP.
So was this a debate, or are
you making a formal proposal?
Ah, it's a debate.
Unless I'm convincing you,
then we definitely should do it.
My point still stands.
How so?
Well, we're not attracted now,
but if we started having sex,
even if we just said it was "banging,"
our hormones would eventually take over
and we would emotionally attach.
And when you say attach, you mean fall in love?
That's the whole reason why
arranged marriages work.
Maybe you think the other person's gross
when you meet them, but your
brain knows you're stuck.
Biology takes over.
You're such a romantic.
Dude, it's science.
You are a scientist.
Yeah, and as a scientist, I can point out
all sorts of evolutionary benefits
to emotional connection.
But that doesn't mean I think
love is a chemical reaction.
No, not at all.
People are meant to be together.
And it has nothing to do with
scent or a primal instinct
or unavoidable circumstances, it's just...
I don't know, they just, like,
belong together, you know?
- Oh, sorry.
- Is this--is this on?
Can I get a lame?
Uh, yes, because we are all just robots.
Yeah, and by your logic, it doesn't matter
if we have sex or not, because we're emotionally
attached anyhow, because our
monkey brains will tell us
that's our best chance at survival.
Or one of us kills the other to gain full control
over our limited resources.
What's number two?
Reason number two.
We're both married.
Like I was saying, I don't
see what the problem is.
You don't think the fact that we're both married
should have an impact
on whether we sleep together?
I mean, granted, I haven't read
my marriage license in a while,
but I'm sure being adrift in space
with no hope of rescue gives you a hall pass.
Okay, first of all, there's
not no possibility of rescue.
We literally talked about this yesterday.
That was two weeks ago.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Man, time out here is whacked.
Look, maybe we don't get saved,
but I, for one, still think we can fix this.
Ah, how's that working out for you?
You know, I'm so glad you asked,
because it would be better if someone helped.
There are hundreds of wires over there.
That means there's billions
of possible combinations.
It's a waste of time.
What else am I supposed to be doing?
Okay. You have a hall pass.
I don't want one.
What, because your brain
chemically reacts with Todd's?
Tom and I have been together since college
and we are very committed to each other.
And how much of that time did
you spend deployed or in space?
What has that got to do with anything?
I had a job to do.
Okay. All right. Sorry.
And are you seriously going
to claim to love Atlanta...
More than I love Tom, while you are
begging me to cheat with you?
I'm not begging you to do anything.
This is a debate between friends to pass time.

Okay, flip them.
- Both?
- Yep.
All right.
Testing navigation.
Error. Navigation failed.
Test fail.
Testing comms.
Please contact your nearest NASA representative.
Test fail.
Why didn't they just label these goddamn wires?
- How's your cut doing?
- It's fine.
You know what you wanna watch tonight?
I don't know.
Something upbeat?
- "Princess Bride"?
- Ugh.
Huh? What?
I've watched it, like, a thousand times.
- Well, let's watch it 1,001.
- It works.
Plus you always spend the whole next day all...
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
I'm really not seeing the problem here.
Can we please just try something different?
I have, like, ten movies
we haven't watched at all yet.
Okay, all right. Okay.
Great. Thank you.
Ooh, "Alien"?
Never seen it.
You have never seen "Alien"?
I've never seen it, no.
Bro, you are in for a serious treat.
Oh, my God.
Sweet. Okay.
Oh, Sigourney Weaver.
I know.
Why the hell did we watch that movie?
Can you walk me to the bathroom?
Yeah. Okay, sure.

What are you doing?
- Sleeping.
- You didn't hear me call you?
I'm scared.
And I don't think the girls can protect me,
so I think I'ma just sleep in here?
Whatever. Just stop talking.
Use this.
Make a wall, your side.
Not doing anything.
Good morning, Jane.
It's day 1,022.

So those squishy round thingamabobs
that were pressed against my chest, I guess--
Yeah, yep, my boobs.
Um, when you came in, I may have forgotten
my general lack of clothing.
Are you feeling better after--
Oh, stop it.
I'm fine.
- Get out of here.
- Right. Thanks.
Chickies, Gertie.

All right. Now sit.

One, two, go get!
Come on.

So I've been thinking about the other morning.
How you squished your boobs against me.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
It was pretty great, right?
Come on, let me look at your leg.
Come on.
- Look at that.
- Told you.
It's 'cause of my mad hydrogen peroxide skills.
So, like, from a mental health perspective,
skin on skin contact is crazy good for you.
Increased serotonin and dopamine and oxytocin,
lowered blood pressure.
Is this your excessively clinical way
of telling me you wanna naked cuddle more?
Well, I mean--
What are your thoughts?
Well, I'm just surprised that you're so willing
to cede the moral high ground.
- Moral high ground?
- It's a mental health issue.
For you, but it's a stress relief issue for me.
So if we get to cuddle naked, then I--
So, like, cuddling is on the
same sliding scale as banging?
I'm glad you agree.
So we shouldn't do either?
That's not where I expected that to go.
Shall we?

We haven't discussed reason number three.
What's three?
You could knock me up.
So you don't have birth control?
Well, I had an IUD, but it
was giving me weird cramps,
so Benson removed it from me
before the, you know...
- both: The crazy.
- Yeah.
There's no condoms or Plan B in Medical?
Amazingly, the government didn't send
three married astronauts into space
with a supply of condoms.
Bad planning.
No, it's like the gray wire
situation all over again.
Let's just say, like, for argument's sake,
you did get knocked up,
would it be that bad?
I said for argument's sake.
You want to raise a child adrift in space?
It's beautiful out here.
All of our life support and food sources
are self-sustainable.
We have movies.
What kid doesn't like space?
So you're losing your mind.
I didn't wanna say it, but it should be mentioned.
As long as we've been out here
with all the radiation,
you're probably sterile anyway.
You're such a jerk.
I told you I didn't wanna say it!
I mean, can you believe it?
All the man can think about is sex.
And before you say anything, yes, obviously,
I think about it too.
Did I turn four different
electric drills into vibrators?
That was more about innovation.
You've gotta be rational about it, you know?
He's like my big brother and my little sister.
Yo, and he's kind of like my dog.
Am I really supposed to believe
that he's not into this?
Really? Come on.
And all these quote, unquote,
"reasons" she's throwing out
is complete BS.
And even if we did make it home,
which we're not, by the way...
There's no way Savannah wouldn't understand that.
Yeah, I think about it every day.
Work is good.
Not to brag, but I am kind of rocking
this whole mayor thing.
I got the funding for the universal lunch program,
so yay.
I don't like that I'm living without you,
but I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you, and I'm proud of me.
Oh, and I may have killed
that fern in the kitchen,
so you should probably get back
because you're the only one
with the green thumb around here.
Even the plants miss you.
I'd be devastated if she waited for me.
She deserves better than that.
- Hi.
- Hey, how's it going up there?
Are you going nuts on that tiny little shuttle?
So many questions.
Tom would love it up here.
Are you kidding me?
Sitting around watching movies every night,
it's like his heaven.
I was always like, let's go for a hike,
let's try a new restaurant or take a road trip.
I did screw up the universal remote again,
and now the sound of the TV doesn't work.
That's gonna have to wait.
I think he was hoping this mission
would be, like, my ultimate adventure,
and then I would come home
and finally be able to just...
All right, I love you,
and I can't wait to see you.
Have a blast.
End of message.
- Hi.
- How's it going up there?
Are you going nuts on that tiny little shuttle?

My very last Pop-Tart.

We add that to the list
of things I'll never do again.
If he could see me now...
Shut up.
I need some music.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- You hurt yourself?
- Um...
it's just so weird.
I can't--my music's not working.
Let me see it.
I tried that.
Oh, no.
Don't say that. What?
It says the root file for your music is corrupted.
Okay, well, fix it.
- Well, that was--I mean--
- Fix it.
I'm so sorry.
No, no. Come on.
I don't think I can do this.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
- I still have my music, right?
- You like Sinatra, right?
Garth Brooks?
No, I can't listen to your music.
- Your music sucks!
- No.
I mean, you like Kenny Rogers, right?
- What?
- You like Eminem?
Who's your favorite singer?
Lionel Richie.
- Lionel Richie.
- Good, good, good, good, good.
What's your favorite Lionel Richie song?
- "All Night Long."
- "All Night Long," okay.
Here we go.
Doesn't work.
Well, my friends, the time has come
To raise the roof and have some fun
Throw away your work to be done
Come on.
Let the music play on, play on
Everybody sing, everybody dance
Lose yourself in one romance
We're going to party, karamu
Fiesta forever.
Come on and sing along
both: All night long
All night, all night
All night long
All night
All night long, all night, all night
All night long
All night, all night
Once you get started, you can't sit down
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
Everyone's dancing their troubles away

Come join our party, see how we play
You wanna hang?


You flinched and you're cheating.
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
Yeah, jambo, jambo
Way to parti, oh, we goin'
Oh, jamboli
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
This might be your best work yet.
Thank you.
You know what you want?
I don't know.
Just something cool right here.
Who's your favorite, me or Adam?
I know what's the answer.
And I won't tell him.
Okay, I won't tell him.
Are you juggling our eggs?
Feed the input and output for me, please.
- Mm-hmm.
- 000.
- Okay.
- 010.
It's gonna flower soon.
I can feel it.
I believe you.
And we can get high off
these amazingly juicy berries.
And when I get back to Earth,
I'll be a billionaire.
Well, you'll still have to cook it.
THC and weed needs to be
heated in order to activate.
So you're gonna have to, you know, like,
bake it or smoke it.
Like, you can't just eat one
of these weeds and get stoned.
But you know, maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe you made the first
raw plant ever to get you high.
Hey, it's still gonna be great.
Don't look. Don't look.
Don't look.
What is it?
Dude, are you ready for this?
Yes, what is it?
- No peeking!
- Jeez!
Okay, it's probably thicker than the real thing
and not as dry and crumbly, but what do you think?
Are you serious?
Oh. Here.
I told the woman it was high time
I picked it up and walked the line
Don't want to have to look back, no, no
And say that I never tried
You know what, country music is not that bad.
We should get her out of here.
I don't want the girls to see her.
Do we have to?
It would be crazy not to.
But we didn't eat Benson.
Benson was a person.
Gertie was here for food purposes.
For milk purposes.
How much do we have left, anyway?
I think we only have, like,
12 pints left in the freezer.
But now we also have 50-plus meals worth of meat.

- That's so good.
- Oh, my God.
- Mama mia.
- Oh.
Oh, zut alors.
Come on.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
It was a mistake.
Yeah, but what if you have a mistake?
I won't.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You haven't asked to bang in while.
Well, technically, I never asked.
It was more of a debate.
Yeah. Okay.
So for the sake of debate,
what would your theoretical stance
be on everything but?
You mean, like, hand stuff?
And mouth stuff?
Everything but.
That you could, you know, hypothetically think of.
Well, hypothetically,
I'd wanna make sure you were sure.
I mean, I still have my husband,
but he's still a billion miles away.
And it's just a matter
of time before something vital
on the ship breaks that we can't fix.
Plus, you are hot.
And I've have seen the outline of your penis
when you wear gym shorts,
and I feel like it wouldn't disappoint.
Wow, we're being honest today.
But it isn't just me, right?
Like, you are attracted to me too?
No, do you find me attractive?
Yeah. Very.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah, okay.
So did you just go from pretty sure to sure?
There is one other thing.
What's that?
Okay, so I'm not saying this romantically,
so please don't get it twisted.
Oh, boy.
But you are literally my entire world.
- Oh!
- Shut up.
You are my only friend.
You're my only coworker.
You are the only person who can check
that weird ass mole for me.
So what if you're bad at sex?
I'm serious.
Like, what if we do it and you can't find my clit
and you're, like, one of
those sweaty, dripping dudes
who always has to be on top,
and then I have to call it off,
and then things get weird,
and this awesome thing
we have going on gets ruined.
Okay. All right. Stop. Stop.
First of all, I love the clit, okay?
We're best friends.
Second of all...
we're still just talking about banging, right?
- Yeah, right.
- Okay.
So if one of us wants to stop, we just stop.
No hard feelings.
No explanations needed.
None asked for.
- Yeah?
- Totally.
I promise on my delicious dead goat.
Our delicious dead goat.
So what did we just decide?
I think we just decided to try everything but.
Oh, wow.
So, right now?
I guess.
Actually, you know what?
I haven't done any personal maintenance
in, like, a really long time.
Do you think we could do it tomorrow night?
I'll check my calendar.
- Cool.
- Dope.
- Sick.
- Looking forward to it.
It's a date.
Be there or be square.
Good morning, Jane.
It's day 1,051.
- Oh.
- Whoa.
- Lieutenant.
- Captain.
Okay, what about this?
Are you sleepy? 'Cause I'm not.
Yo, you look good tonight.

I'm still gonna try.
Comms fail.
Yo, Earth.
We miss you, bruh.
Navigation engaged.
Oh, my God.
We have navigation.
But no comms.
We don't need comms to get home.
So you can fly us home?
How long would it take?
Three weeks.
So I guess...

Are you okay?
What's this?
Let me show you.
Looking for that good stuff
Why don't you tighten up
on your back stroke?
Looking for that good stuff

Oh, my God!

Looking for that good stuff

Why don't you tighten up
on your back stroke?

Looking for that good stuff
I'm gonna have to get up
and pee in, like, 30 seconds.
Shh. Shh, shh.
If this gets infected
and I die before we get home,
I'm gonna haunt you so hard.
It's gonna be a hard one
to explain to the husband.
Yeah, well, we'll cross
that bridge when we get to it.

It's weird, right?
Do you think there will be,
like, flying cars and stuff?
We've only been gone for three years.
I think it'll be exactly the same.
And completely different.
What are you looking forward to most?
Floating down Alcorn River.
Having my music back.
Never eating another egg for
the rest of my goddamn life.
- Preach.
- You?
I'm looking forward to hugging Savannah.
Can I say that?
Yeah, of course.
She's your wife.
I know, but we're--
I can't wait to see Tom.
I mean, he probably waited
a dignified three months
before marrying a nice, stable farm girl
and filling her full of babies.
You think?
I don't know.
It would just be nice to get off this dumb rocket.
Get back to life.
Can we still be best friends when we get back?
Like you said, you've been my
entire world for three years.
Your world's about to get a lot bigger.

Every star shivers in the dark
I've been shooting with a heavy, heavy heart

Talking to losers at the stadium
Telling them it's all right,
let's have some fun
Why can't I have some fun?
Why can't I have some fun?

Shaping the clay in the dark pre-dawn
God made man to love someone
Why can't I love someone?
Why can't I love someone?
I'd like to love someone

Making my way
through the grocery...
So I feel for you
I work in service too

Alameda street-side prison tower
A man pressed his hand on the window
I waved a little while
I waved a little while
I'm gonna love someone
I'm gonna love someone

The successful return of Captain Kwan
and lead science officer Adam Gherrity
is cause for celebration the world over.
And perhaps none will be more
elated than their spouses,
Tom Campbell and Governor Savannah Gherrity,
who are en route as we speak.
At the same time, we are saddened
to learn of the passing of lead medical officer
Megan Benson, who passed away early in the mission
from as-yet-unknown causes.
What do you think happened?
No, no, Benson, stop! Benson!
Uh, she passed in her sleep.
And as far as we can tell,
it was either cardiac arrest or an aneurysm.
I'm sure you all have endless questions.
Captain Kwan, Lieutenant Gherrity?

- One more question.
- One question.
Let's go home.
What are you gonna do first?
- Hi.
- So next up is the MRI.
- They're just getting set up.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Wait. Wait one second.
Uh, if you have gone and pulled a "Castaway" on me
and married someone else, totally cool.
Just tell me now because I don't think
- I could actually do--
- No.
Still here.
Didn't you think I was dead?
Do we have to do this now?
Yeah, I mean, why not?
What else is there to talk about?
I mean, I wanna know.
After about a year, my sister
set me up with someone.
And then...
there were three or four
other short things after that.
They--they--they just--they--
Nothing ever took.
They couldn't hold a candle to you.
Sorry about the whole kiss attack thing earlier.
I was just really excited to see you.
And I had my team in my head just telling me
what an important moment this was,
and everything had to go just right, and...
inside, I was just terrified.
Of what?
I don't know.
Three years is a long time.
I really didn't think I was
ever gonna see you again.
God knows what you must think
of all this governor stuff.
No, because I feel like
I need to explain this to you
because listen, when you disappeared,
there was suddenly this spotlight on me.
And I couldn't just go out
and have death rebound sex
like a normal person.
I had to just play the part
and meet the expectations,
and I was stuck.
All I had was my work.
So then this opportunity to run
came up, and I just took it.
Listen, babe, I'm proud of you.
- You are?
- Yeah.

So here, you have the marijuana kush or flower.
Here, you have the blueberry, luscious, wholesome.
She was, like, screaming at Adam...
coming toward, um...
Can't you see?
And do you ever

Dream of me?

Please just listen

We have one that goes like this.
And it's erratic,
but that's what I like about it.
You wanna try?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
both: Just happy to be home.
Where is this guy?
They run out of ink?
It's NASA, don't--don't they have printers here?
Sign these papers.
Sign this paper.
It doesn't feel real.
- I'm here.
- I know.
I'm so sorry.
We just need a few more security guards out there
to help keep the press at bay.
- No worries.
- Not a problem.
I promise it's gonna start feeling normal soon.
Oh, I'm so glad we didn't miss you guys.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
It's so good to see you, Jane.
- You too, Savannah.
- Hi.
That farewell dinner feels like a lifetime ago.
Oh, my God, yeah, two lifetimes ago.
- I know.
- Hey.
Hey. How's it going?
Thanks for taking care of my girl.
More like she took care of me.
I'm keeping the girls.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- The girls?
- The hens.
- That's what we call the hens.
- Oh.
Unless you guys want some.
- Oh, um--
- Why not?
- We've got the space.
- I don't know.
- You know, if I deployed--
- Come on.
You guys are international space heroes now.
Your deployment days are behind you.
- I mean, you're celebrities.
- Okay, okay.
- It's just they make a mess.
- Wait, wait, wait.
How much of a mess are we talking about here?
- Oh, no, they're great.
- They're great.
I'm really glad you're taking them.
I wanted to take Benson home,
but they said no, so--
Okay, so your discharge papers are ready now.
- All right.
- Hey, you know what?
Why don't Tom and I handle this?
You guys just take a minute.
Say goodbye.
- Oh.
- Yeah. I got it.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
Ate a Pop-Tart this morning.
Oh, yeah? How was it?
Well, after your homemade
ones, I'm a little ruined.
Mm, well.
I'll get you the recipe.
All you need is a steady supply of fresh,
unpasteurized goat's milk.
So I'll hear from you.
- Yeah, of course.
- I mean, we'll see each other.
We've got interviews coming up--
Not like that.
Will you be a part of my life?

Come on.
Just a phone call every now and then, you know?
Old friends checking up on each other.
Adam, we were stuck in a box for three years,
and it messed with our heads.
And now we're out of that box.
This is real.
Up there, it wasn't real.
You ready?
Huh. Yeah.
So, well, bye.
- See you guys.
- Bye.
See you, Adam.
- Discharged.
- Discharged.
We're on in five, four, three, two...
Adam, the world wants to know.
How did you survive in space?
Well, that's a loaded question.
We basically had a living, breathing ecosystem
on the ship, so we were able
to sustain our own food,
and the ship created oxygen.
And we, um,
we made our way through it.
He was just circling the grocery parking lot.
Is this the parking lot story again?
- Over and over.
- Come on.
- I wanna, like, close it.
- There we go.
So what have the two of you
been doing to reconnect,
I mean, after three years?
Well, we've been trying to make up
for lost time, you know?

And my wife's the governor.
Yeah, so that's a little...
- Yeah, you know what, Frank?
- I don't wanna hear it.
This bill's gonna go through with or without you.
So you can either choose to be
on the side of the poor kids
who wanna learn their colors
and their goddamn ABCs
or you can cast a losing vote against equal access
to education and deal with the voters in November.
Good choice, Frank.
- Hi.
- You know, this isn't fair.
- What?
- I orbit Jupiter,
I come home, and I'm still
a schlub in this relationship.
Yeah, well, you're my schlub.
Uh, Governor.
You know, this one is my favorite.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
I thought you hated tattoos.
Well, yeah, normally I do, but...
all of these, they're like--
you know, like a map of your
grand adventure up there.
I like that.
I can just, boop, boop.
What was your favorite part?
I guess the dancing.
Adam made a surprisingly good dance partner.
That's good.
I'm guessing the worst part
was losing Benson, right?
You know, I actually never asked.
Who found her? Was it you?
- Adam found her.
- Good.
What do you think about going on a trip?
A trip?
Yeah, Iceland, to see the northern lights.
Iceland, huh?
Yeah, sure.
But, I mean, I--I--
it feels like you just gone back
and you're ready to leave again so soon?
Oh, no, I just,
um, thought it would be a nice way to reconnect.
No, ah...
I'm sorry.
Look, of course you wanna go on a trip.
I keep forgetting that you were trapped
in a box for the last three years.
We can go on a trip, anywhere
you want, just you and me.
{Jimmy Lewis' "How Long Is a
To keep from crying,
I be talking...
And how are you getting on now that you're home?
Um, very well. Thank you.
I'd imagine the boredom would be the worst bit.
You know, we never really experienced boredom.
There was always things to do.
For instance?
Well, uh, we would bet on chicken races,
tried to write the next great pop song.
We would invent handshakes.
And I spent quite a bit of time
trying to crossbreed
a marijuana blueberry plant.
Actually, still working on that one.
Marijuana's still legal, right?
As long as I'm governor.
I know the feeling
When I feel like I'm dying

I put my baby's picture in bed with me

Then I feel fine
But I wanna know
Oh, I wanna know
Why can't she be

Just another woman
That I've loved
in my past?

Oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
How long is the heartache
Excuse me, ma'am.
Can you help me?
I think I may have dropped something.
Um, sure.
So one of them pooped on my shoe.
Are you sure it was them?
Was it you?
Come on.
Poop is a sign of love.
Stop it.
I think we need to talk about
moving the coop outside.
Baby, they're indoor chickens.
- That's all they know.
- They're chickens.
I feel like they'll adjust.

Well, my friends, the time has--
I'm sorry this is taking so long.
Just ten more minutes, okay?
That's fine.
Do you maybe wanna take this dance class with me?
You know I have two left feet.
Come on. I'd kill myself.
All right.
- Who's Amber?
- She's nobody.
What's she wanna talk about?
I don't know.
We, um,
we went on a few dates.
Okay. Recently?
How many dates?
Five or six.
Tom, you need to call her.
I mean, you had a relationship with this person.
She deserves to know where you are.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Babe, no. No.
I definitely did not have a relationship with--
Maybe we should talk to her together.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, like, maybe that would help.
Help what?
I mean, it's not her fault that your wife
miraculously returned after three years.
I mean, what is she supposed to do?
Act like nothing happened, like you didn't have
a meaningful connection,
like it wasn't going somewhere?
- Like--
- Jane, Jane.
What's happening?
I slept with Adam.
Okay, so we got 15 minutes
for this meet and greet,
and then, we head into the event.
Everything okay?
Just been going nonstop since I got back.
I know.
I don't know, maybe we could
pull back a little bit,
find some time to talk.
We could talk right now.
Baby, I'm the governor.
I have responsibilities.
I can't just stop.
Yeah, your job is meet and greets and fundraisers.
Yeah, that's the job.
What is it that you wanna talk about
that we can't talk about right now?
I don't know, maybe the time
Benson tried to kill me
and Jane had to axe her
in the back to save my life.
God is that what you wanna talk about?
See, I think I know what
you wanna talk about, but...
I really don't wanna talk about it.
So if you could just tell me that it's over,
maybe that would be enough.
It is.
Are we good?
I'll see what I can cancel
over the next few weeks, okay?
Thank you.
There is one thing we can't avoid, though.
- What?
- Eh.

Hi, Jane. You look lovely.
Thank you. So do you.
Long time.
It's been nine days.
- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
Man, I guess time's messed up here, too, right?
Where's your sweet husband?
Oh, um...
the story for tonight is that he has the flu.
But we are actually splitting up.
- Wait, you're what?
- Yeah. I know.
It must sound--
And Tom, he really is perfect.
I think when we got married,
I thought that would be enough,
you know, the fact that we make sense
for each other or something.
But we just never really fit.
And as much as we wanted to,
it just wasn't meant to be.
Poor Tom.
Oh, he is better off.
I'm sure.
Oh, I didn't mean that how it sounded.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Well, don't let us keep you from mingling.
Yeah, right, um...
So what I usually do is crumble the Pop Tarts
into the eggs and scramble.
Yeah, every Halloween.
Little astronaut.
What were you--
Madame President.
I understand you both are excellent dancers.
- Oh.
- Uh, um...
- No.
- Please.
Won't you honor us with a dance?
- I don't think--
- Oh, no, I feel--
I insist.
Of course.

I wanted to be with you alone

And talk about the weather
But traditions I can trace
Against the child in your face
Won't escape my attention

You keep your distance with a system of touch

And gentle persuasion

I'm lost in admiration
Could I need you
this much?
You're wasting my time
You're just wasting time
Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out
Till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Oh, don't take my, don't break my heart, don't
Don't throw it away

That was great.
Well, we are so glad that you're back.
It's been great.
And that waltz, you were wonderful.
- Thank you, Madame President.
- I told you you would be.
Happy campaigning to you.
I know you'll do a wonderful job for your state.
- They're lucky to have you.
- Thank you.
Well, take care.
Thank you.
Just say it.
I love you.
You're an asshole.
What happened up there?
And everything.
It's okay.
I mean, it's not okay.
Can I...
Tell Jane I hate her.
Thank you.

Where's Savannah?
She left.
She wanted me to let you know that she hates you.
She does?
Why is that?
Okay. So...

Is this just, like, an elaborate ploy
for my Pop-Tart recipe?
You wanna get a drink?
You know, we should probably--
Oh, my God. Are you pregnant?
- No.
- You touched your stomach.
We had all that unprotected sex.
Oh, is this why you're choosing me?
'Cause bro, if this is just, like,
your biological urge to procreate--
Oh, God, no.
I choose you.
And not because I chemically
attached, which I did.
And not because I wanna
have your babies, which I do.
It's because we're meant to be.
We're all robots.
What I was gonna say this, we should probably
keep this on the down-low for a little while.
Right. Down low.
You don't wanna cause a stir.
- No stir.
- No stir.
Do you wanna go on a trip?

- Okay.
- Okay.
So this might be crazy, but...
what do you think about renting "Aliens"?
You wanna watch "Alien" again?
No, "Aliens."
The second one.
They made anoth-- oh, hell--absolutely not.
- No.
- Come on.
That's, like, our movie.
Let's watch "Casablanca."
Okay. We can watch both.
You wanna make it a double feature?
Perfect--the double feature will be "Casablanca"
and "The Princess Bride."
Okay, why don't we shut your dumb mouth
- and we watch "Aliens"?
- Okay.
With the double feature
of "Casablanca."
We can talk through it.
And you have to press your boobs against me.
Wait for the break when we get some rain
Swim in the creeks that the New Deal laid
Can't break even but can't complain
Pushed right back to try it again

Born with devotion
Pushed into motion, God, don't stop

Making it harder
Ooh, all the time

Just wanna move to Virginia
Get a dog and a house with a human name

Call me Linda Tomorrow
Give me something to dance to in 6/8

Wait for the break when we get some rain
Under the lights of the TVA
Can't break even but can't complain
Pushed right back to try it again

Wait for the break when we get some rain
Swim in the creeks that the New Deal laid
Can't break even but can't complain
Pushed right back to try it again
They get you to give it up
They want you to give
They get you to give it up
They want you to