iGirlfriend (2017) Movie Script
1
[music playing]
[panting]
OK, what were we supposed to do?
Kill her?
[music playing]
Oh man.
I can't believe I'm
here with you right now.
Going to school
before school starts.
You're such a dweeb, dude.
And worse than that, I think
it's rubbing off on me.
Dude, chill out.
This is going to take
like two seconds.
I'm not even part of your
gay little club, dude.
I really wish you
would have told me
that you were doing this
today before inviting me over.
I didn't invite you.
You just showed up.
Still, false advertising.
[music playing]
Hey, Sammy.
Where is everyone?
[inaudible]?
Look, this isn't a team meeting.
So let's get right to it.
Have you seen this?
Everyone has seen this video.
This is like Chernobyl bad.
Who the hell is Chernobyl?
I like to think I created a
certain standard for this group
that you just no
longer live up to.
And so Simon,
you're out of FMSDA.
I'm going to need
your jump drive
and your computer
lab key card back.
I'm prepared to hear you
defend yourself and make
me understand why you
deserve to stay in FMSDA.
Rip a whole new asshole dude.
Whatever.
I'm sorry.
Compelling.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four...
This ain't your avenue, man.
Would you just shut your mouth?
Every time you open your mouth,
you just make things worse.
Dude, we are going to kick this
school's ass this year, man.
Oh man.
Oh shit, lacrosse team.
Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.
There's that son of a bitch.
bashrethedorf.
Oh, that's Desiree.
I cannot not understand what
she sees in that douche bag.
What was that?
No one.
You were looking at
her, weren't you.
- [inaudible]
- Bashrethedorf.
Honey, I know what I'm doing.
You obviously don't.
Anyone who comes to the door
can see inside the house now.
The TV part supposed
to go on the inside.
The TV part, would you
listen to yourself?
The monitor is on the
inside of the house,
then how is any going to know
that we have a video intercom.
Why does anyone have to know
that we have a video intercom?
Because if I'm going to
spend $537.51 on something,
I don't want to have to
hide it from my neighbors.
I can't.
[door slam]
[music playing]
How's it going, Dad?
Oh, you know.
I can't complain.
So how's school going?
School hasn't started yet, Dad.
But it was a pretty rough day.
Good, good.
Just keep it up.
[music playing]
You know, I heard Ahmad even
got a girl from this summer.
I'm sick of this shit.
That was my iPad.
I'm sick of being a loser, man.
I've had it.
Guys like Bashly get all the
girls, and what do we get?
Pantsed on YouTube.
Yeah, I know.
Wait, Ahmad?
The spoiled little Indian kid
from your iPhone club thingy.
OK, first of all, that's racist.
I don't see how that's racist.
He's from India and he's
a squirrly looking fella.
Well, yeah.
Him.
How did that little dude
get a girl to date him?
Dude probably made it up.
No, I've seen pictures of
them together and everything.
So, it's easy to fake that.
[music playing]
You know, it actually
is really easy to fake.
We're going to make
ourselves girlfriends.
No, no.
That's creepy.
That's beyond creepy.
Well dude, I hate
to break it to you,
but we're kind of pathetic
and creepy already.
Deal with it.
People would see
right through that.
No they wouldn't.
You're like an idiot
savant computer guy.
Just make it do things.
Make it work.
There is no way that I'm
going to sit here and make
a girlfriend on my computer.
It doesn't work that way.
You know, just think about
all the opportunities
that this little
computer could give us.
Just think about all the
stupid app shit that you make.
Don't call it stupid.
All that really
interesting app stuff
you make, why don't
you just make it,
you know, interestinger,
like with boobies.
Think about the boobies, Simon.
Think about the boobies.
[music playing]
It's not going to work.
We just post a
bunch pictures of us
Photoshopped in with some girls,
claiming to be our girlfriends.
People are going to
see right through that.
Haven't you seen "Catfish?"
Here me out.
We take different pieces
from different girls
on the Internet.
We put them together to make
an amalgam of a girl, you know?
It's one that can't be searched.
Different hair from this
girl, eyes from this girl,
lips from this girl,
tits from that girl,
real Frankenstein shit.
[music playing]
Like, they go to be hot,
but they can't be too hot,
you know?
Like, in your case maybe
a little bit jerkey.
We hack into Facebook, we
go back in time literally
by changing the
days on the photos,
and put it in like
they've been on for years.
You know?
Like sweet sixteens,
family reunions,
quinceaneras and all that shit.
Like, they need to be
interactive, you know?
Write an iPhone ad that
will text and call us.
[music playing]
What are you going
to name yours?
Lilly.
Her name is Lilly.
[music playing]
College girls?
No way.
[ding]
We now have girlfriends.
[music playing]
[record scratch]
Greetings lame dicks.
Stanley.
Whats up?
So, I heard about your GFs.
Oh, did you now?
Yeah, I did.
We haven't even told anybody.
I saw it on Facebook.
Everybody saw it on Facebook.
Well, our girls.
They just had to
go tell everybody.
You know how girls are?
Yeah.
They're really into us.
Yeah.
Really into us.
So where are they?
Oh, that's right.
They're college girls, right?
Hm-hm.
Totally.
So why didn't you
mention them yesterday?
Well, because you were
being a dick yesterday.
What college do they go to?
State.
Where'd you meet them?
Outward bound.
Why is this the first
time we heard of it.
Extreme wilderness adventure.
We're only allowed to use
technology once per week
and call it...
Where are they from?
Stacey?
Willowsbrooke.
Lilly?
Northbrooke.
Have they met your parents yet?
Not yet.
We're keeping it casual.
How far have you
gotten with her?
A gentleman never tells.
Bullshit.
Peg?
Oh, we're boning like rabbits,
but like really horny rabbits.
Dude.
What?
Gross.
[phone buzzing]
Oh, lookey here.
Calling me right now,
the old ball and chain.
Nice.
Yeah.
Well, see you later, dude.
[bell ringing]
Mr. Nathaniel Hawthorne
working on the emotion
of his protagonist in this
work, remembering class
that the protagonist
is the main character.
The protagonist faces
almost a force of agony
that has befallen him.
I'm sorry about what
happened yesterday.
I wanted you to stay
on and be on Rusty.
It's OK.
It's really not
that big of deal.
It is to me.
I actually wanted to
win something this year.
But with you gone, that's
pretty much out the window.
Something that you just
don't like about yourself.
Well, I have.
Can any of you
guess what mine is?
It's my pinky toe.
I can't move it.
[laughter]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[clicking]
[phone buzzing]
[clicking]
[phone dinging]
[clicking]
[phone dinging]
[clicking]
[phone dinging]
[phone dinging]
[clicking]
[phone buzzing]
[laughter]
Now class, let's quiet down
because this is the best part.
[music playing]
[phone dinging]
[clicking]
Peg.
Hey.
What's up?
Who are you texting?
My girlfriend.
Oh.
What, what, why?
Oh, nothing.
I was just thinking...
nothing.
Thinking what?
Let's talk after class.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[phone dinging]
[music playing]
(SINGING) A lot of butts.
Sorry, guys.
It's my girlfriend, Lilly.
[laughter]
She' really into me.
Well, that's it.
Now, from now on when
you enter this class,
you will leave your phones
right here in this basket.
And when you leave, you
can take them with you.
[bell ringing]
I thought you were
different, Simon.
[laughter]
Dude, I accidentally
mixed up the messages.
Stacy go the ones I wrote
and Lilly got the ones
that you wrote.
That's some sick stuff man.
I know.
Seriously?
Now, give me your phone.
I want to change it back.
Oh, no way.
No, this just worked
on Desiree, dude.
She wants to meet
me after class.
I got to go.
I got a semi in my pants.
[music playing]
First period, first fucking
day of class and you're
going to be fucking what?
Phone vag?
Language.
My bad Mr. Crowley.
What are you going to
do to make it up to me?
Anything you want.
Homework for a week.
Books.
A month.
Jesus Christ.
Come on, Peg.
[bell ringing]
Don't fuck with my flow or
I'm going to punch your face
right in the face.
Vag.
[music playing]
[phone dinging]
[music playing]
Stupid, pathetic idea.
[phone buzzing]
I wish I could make you real.
[music playing]
Dinner.
[music playing]
Simon, have you been crying?
Yeah.
Why on earth were you...
I had it all wrong, Mom.
I thought it should be a
program that's executable,
a robot that would just randomly
send out messages I told it to.
But that's not it at all.
You see, it had to
think and respond.
If I just work on my
algorithm a little bit more
to define the perimeters
of what we perceive
as human emotion, then just
a few simple responses,
I can feed it information.
Wait, I don't have to
feed it information.
As long as it has an
internet connection,
it has a brain that has
access to all the information
it could ever want.
My algorithm just
need to provide it
with access and a
filter, that way
it can make
decisions and respond
to me based on those decisions.
It's not just a
random generator,
it's a program that can
actually think and carry
on a conversation like a
companion, like a person.
That's nice, dear.
We're definitely going
to talk about why
you were crying, though.
Later.
Now, your father
and I are leaving
for Aunt Kate's in the morning.
I wrote out a list
of chores that you
need to do when we're gone,
it's on the chalkboard.
Peg can come by, but
he cannot stay past 10.
We'll be back on Sunday.
Simon.
Did you hear me?
Got it, Mom.
I worry about him.
He can't wait to get laid.
Harry.
What?
[music playing]
So now you need
a sense of humor.
[music playing]
So, what about the
tough questions?
[music playing]
Sex drive, maybe a little one.
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[phone buzzing]
This is going to take all night.
[music playing]
[beeping]
[music playing]
OK Simon, we're leaving.
They're toaster tarts in
the pantry for breakfast.
Don't be late for school.
Simon?
Simon!
OK, Mom.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
(SINGING) Anything could.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
(SINGING) Anything could.
Anything could happen.
Anything could happen.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
OMG, did you hear Bash
and Desiree broke up?
He is so going to
[inaudible] at his party.
OMG.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
Hey, no.
[phone buzzing]
Sup, Vag?
What's this?
Aw, we have all the
time in the world.
No you don't, you
have until Friday.
That's our English
assignment, especially
since you were too much of a
pussy to show up this morning.
I need it by Friday night,
so bring it to my party.
And bring your little girlfriend
too, I hear she's in college.
I totally get off on the idea
of the first college girl
I'll go balls deep
is stolen from you.
Hey, there's that bugger Peg
over there with Desiree again.
Like I give a shit.
I got girls waiting to blow me.
Let that geek carry her
purse for a few days.
I need a break anyway.
But if your BFF
touches her, I'll
split both your
nut sacks in half.
You got the Vag?
How can I have a nut
sack if I'm a vag?
Jell-O. Friday.
OK, so now we're
in agreement here.
Cindy's office squad
which is perfect,
because when you look
at your reputation
now we just can't have the
whole squad brought down by it.
Right.
I know.
So, shopping, I'll get her
make up all in place, and...
Desiree.
Anyway, what I'm
thinking... what?
You know what, why
don't we just finish up
this conversation tomorrow.
All right.
Sounds good.
OK.
Bye-bye.
I just wanted to
see if you wanted
to hang out and or something.
I know what you want,
you want to kiss me.
Maybe, maybe.
You know, whatever.
Yeah, sure.
What do you want to do, man?
I don't even care.
I have an idea, how about this?
Why don't you come over
to my place tonight
and help me with my homework.
And then afterwards, who
knows, maybe you'll get lucky.
Yeah, uh, yeah.
Uh, yeah, I got plans
but I can cancel.
Oh.
Um.
Down boy.
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[water running]
[music playing]
Ow.
Son of a bitch.
[music playing]
Who?
[music playing]
Its me, Simon.
Lilly?
No.
How?
You created me.
You designed me
and now I'm here.
No.
No, this isn't real.
I'm dreaming.
You were dreaming
that this happened?
[music playing]
Yup, this is exactly
what happens.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ow.
So am I.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'll clean it up.
[music playing]
[music playing]
OK.
I think I'm finished.
Desiree, I'm finished.
Did you do the
differentials part?
Yes, I did.
OK, because that's
what do tomorrow.
Ah well, I did it.
So...
So what?
Well, you know, I did
your homework for you
and we had a
conversation earlier.
It was a great
conversation, I loved it.
You're are so cute.
And you said something
about, uh, getting lucky.
Oh.
Well, don't you
have a girlfriend?
Oh, well she, uh, she um,
we have an understanding.
What kind of understanding?
Well, uh, you know,
she's a college girl,
and so she's super open minded.
We can see other people.
You know, it's not a big deal.
No.
No, I'm not OK with that.
If you want anything to
happen here tonight with me,
you have to end it with her.
OK.
Well?
What?
What you want me to do it now?
Right now?
Yes.
Now.
It's going to be a long
conversation, you know?
And it's going to take a while.
Now.
Yeah.
OK.
I could do it now.
That's fine.
Oh, and I want all those
Facebook photos of you
two gone.
Uh, yeah.
OK.
I'll just untag myself.
No, I want them gone.
OK.
I'll go do that right now.
No.
Do it here.
I don't necessarily
think that's right.
I mean, you know, they
mean a lot to her.
I should let her
down easy, you know?
OK.
But just so you know,
you better do it quickly
because I'm not going
to wait here all night.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I'm just going
to grab my shoes.
I'll be right back.
[water running]
Simon, let me in, man.
Simon!
Hey, Simon, I know your mad,
man, but I need your laptop.
[laughter]
Simon, Simon.
Simon, I got to borrow
your laptop, dude.
Did you hear that?
Nothing.
OK.
Yup, Desiree wants
to bone tonight
and I got to be a
free man beforehand.
What the?
What is up with this?
Why is the keyboard all sticky?
Ew.
You know how girls are, man.
They always want to own
the pig, pun intended.
OK.
All right.
I'm taking your laptop, dude.
I'll leave a message.
Dear Simon, borrowing
your laptop,
bring back to school tomorrow.
Love
and kisses, Peg.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
You're so sexy when you wake up.
It wasn't a dream.
I'm so... you were [inaudible].
You were.
[music playing]
Mmmm.
You're going to love it.
[music playing]
It's so good.
It's so good.
I think you've got this covered.
[laughter]
[music playing]
[screaming]
[music playing]
All right.
Ew.
[music playing]
You know, I never
thought that Red Vines
would be so delicious.
I know, right?
They're so bad for you
but I don't even care.
Did you just Disney movie me?
Maybe.
That's pretty cheesy, babe.
[computer booting up]
Oh.
I guess it just needed
time to juice up, I guess.
Hey Stacey.
How are you doing?
Can we talk for a minute?
I need to tell you something.
It's not going to
work between us.
I know.
It's not you, OK?
It's me.
Well, it's a little bit
you because on the account
that you're not real.
But, you know what?
You did better than I ever
though you would for me.
You know?
You got me Desiree, and, you
know, you're a wonderful girl.
And listen, you know, I'm
sure that one day you're
going to go out
there, you're going
to make some sad, lonely
computer nerd super happy.
Not this guy, not me.
[music playing]
Damn.
Simon is like Rain
man with this shit.
What is this?
Sex drive at 15%?
Simon, you're such a pussy.
She's going to need more
emotional than that,
she's not a robot.
Maybe a little strength
too, maybe she'll
be beat Bash's ass for us.
There we go.
That's more like it.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Take it off.
Take it off.
Lilly!
Shut up!
Take it off.
Don't look me in the eye.
[music playing]
Your friend Peg broke up
with Stacey last night.
Yeah?
Desiree is pretty into him.
So are you going
to do that with me?
What?
What?
Break up with me
for some stupid slut
as soon as she starts showing
a little interest in you.
No, it's totally different.
Stacey's just someone
that Peg made up.
Desiree is a real
girl, so he must...
Well, you made me up.
Yeah, but you're real now.
Stacey was just a Facebook page.
Besides, Peg has had a crush
on Desiree for like ever.
Wait.
So if some little bitch
you've had a crush on
starts showing a
little interest in you,
you are just going
to leave me for her?
Is that it?
I don't know what's happening.
OK.
Why are you so upset?
OK.
Just take a deep breath.
"The Woman in Me," by
Rebecca [inaudible]
says that when I am feeling
marginalized by my man,
I just need to
take a deep breath
and step back, and count
the ways in which I
am a powerful woman.
I won't let you steal my power.
Baby, just...
Don't use that word.
That word is designed to
lower my feminine value.
I apologize.
OK.
I don't want to fight.
Do you love me?
So much.
And you promise you
will never ever leave me
for some stupid slut?
No, no, no, no, mam.
Can you stay with me today?
It's just too early
for you to leave me.
I have to go.
If I miss more than one
class, they call my parents.
Oh, I've got it.
Mrs. Dops?
Simon has a fever today
and we wouldn't want
him giving it to anyone else.
Thank you so much.
I'll tell him.
OK.
Done.
Now, let's have a
little fun and then
I can fill your
tummy with pancakes.
Oh my God.
You're the perfect woman.
So she was like,
"That's my purse,"
like she owned it
already, but I mean,
we were both in the same store.
And if she wanted
it that badly, she
wouldn't have left
it outside when
she was in the dressing room.
OMG, what did you do?
Bitch tried to call
security on me,
so I just took
out my credit card
and I paid for it, staring her
down the whole time smiling.
I mean, what was
she going to do?
[laughter]
What?
You made your point.
Listen, I'm not here to
apologize or anything,
and I'm not saying anything
is going on with Sydney,
but if it were...
and last night it
was, it would be over.
Like I care.
I already got that
bitch thrown off
the cheer leading squad anyway.
And what about that slut who
said she was going to blow you?
Listen Bash, the girl obviously
doesn't want to talk to you.
So why don't you just...
Shut up.
OK.
Baby, I'm done with the whole
blow job receiving business.
Totally.
OK.
You're dismissed.
Huh?
We're done here.
You can go now.
Go away.
Is that Simon's?
Uh, yeah.
I'm supposed to give it to him.
Go.
So cute.
Bash, baby, what
have you been up to?
[music playing]
Have balls, Peg.
[music playing]
Mmm, pancakes.
Baby?
Lilly, sorry.
Lilly the door is locked
from the outside, I guess.
[music playing]
The door was locked.
I would have gone
down and helped you.
I know, I locked it.
What?
Why would you do that?
It's just better this way.
What's better?
What way?
Did you know that 99.7%
of all relationships
starting in high school end?
I can't have you
leaving with the odds
overwhelmingly against us.
I just want us to stay
together, sweetie.
So, you just want to keep
me locked up in my house?
In your room, yes.
When you say it like that
you make it sound so bad.
OK.
Sweetheart, I know
this is all new to you,
but I have to be able
to eat and drink and...
I'll get you whatever you need.
Honey, this is just silly.
You're just looking
for an excuse
to leave me like your
pervy little friend, Peg.
Now, Lilly, this is not
acceptable behavior.
Don't talk down to me like that.
In "Taking My Power Back,
by Beatrice Lesband,
she says that men
are free to roam
wherever they please
while woman are
expected to just stay at home.
Oh, we're not roaming anywhere,
Mr. You're staying right here.
Deep breathes.
Count the ways in which
I am a powerful woman.
Now, eat your pancakes, and
I'm going to go clean up
after making your breakfast.
I need to cool down.
[door slamming]
I'm so sorry.
I just... I'm just so
afraid without you.
I don't know what I did.
Baby, here.
I'll clean this up.
There's that word again.
You don't respect me, do you?
Baby, baby, baby.
Who else are you calling baby?
No one.
Only you.
I promise.
I'll never say it again.
Oh, I'll show you.
[door slamming]
[music playing]
You're so strong.
Where did you get handcuffs?
Amazon.
I got them for us.
I thought it would add
excitement in the bedroom.
Aw, that's sweet.
Right?
There.
Now, you stay here
and rest and I'm
going to go downstairs and
clean up the mess you made.
[music playing]
Come on.
[phone buzzing]
Simon, dude, I don't think
I've ever made a phone
call on this phone before.
That's how important this is.
Please answer your phone.
Dude, come on.
You know what?
Fuck it.
I'm coming over right now, dude.
[music playing]
No way.
[music playing]
What are you doing?
Don't worry about it.
Just take off your shirt
and get on the bed.
I'm about to get
super cranked up.
No.
No way, we need to
talk about this.
I'm not OK with what happened.
Who is that girl?
We're about to find out.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh.
Oh my God, I'm so out of shape.
God, this is the only time I'll
thank you for a small hand.
[music playing]
[music playing]
Look, will you stop
playing around on Facebook
and come talk to me?
Babe, I'm at work.
Oh my God, don't babe me.
Get over here.
Me too, babe.
You're such a ass,
douche bag, whole ass.
You know, I'm not coming
to your party tonight.
And, I was going
to make cupcakes.
Desiree, what kind of cupcakes?
Strawberry.
Those are my favorite.
Well, I know that's silly.
Simon, was that you?
You crafty little devil.
How did you slip
those handcuffs?
Simon?
Simon?
Oh, you poor thing.
You're hurt.
Woah.
No!
[struggling]
Oh my God.
I'm just going to
walk from here.
What's the worst
that could happen?
Oh my God.
Oh fuck me.
Oh.
OK.
[door knocking]
Oh God.
Simon?
Let me in, man.
Who is it?
Simon, let me in, man.
Now's not a really
good time, man.
Simon, just let me
talk for a minute
and I can explain everything.
Look I'm sorry, man.
I got caught up being
popular and having
Desiree be so into me.
You know?
She was really into
me, but you what?
I decided to leave that
and come here for you, man.
Simon?
Simon?
Simon?
Damn.
You see right through
me, don't you?
Best buds always do.
She dumped me, man
like month old cheese.
Like I wasn't even
a real person.
Liked all those hot, steamy,
passion-filled nights.
It's like they meant
nothing to her,
like it didn't even happen.
All right, full disclosure,
that thing I just said,
it was a lie.
The thing about the
passion-filled nights
never happened.
But you're going to bet
your ass that I'm going
to tell everyone that it did.
I don't care what
Bash does to me.
OK.
That thing I just
said was a lie.
I absolutely care
what Bash does to me.
I'm sorry I bailed on you.
When you needed me most I just...
oh shit.
Oh shit.
I'm coming little buddy.
Damnit.
Oh shit.
Simon.
Who the hell is that?
It's Lilly.
No, seriously.
Who is it?
Oh damn, it's a hooker isn't it?
Mam, we're minors, OK?
So, whatever money
he owes you we
could probably pay
it back, just...
God damn.
Hookers are strong.
Shut up you little perv.
It's Lilly for real.
Now stop pulling on me.
Oh my god.
What the hell?
Don't leave.
Hey, help.
Help.
Help.
Hey.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Look at this shit,
emotions 21%, strength 80%,
what the hell does this mean?
Baby, what are you doing?
People are downstairs
waiting for us.
Nag much?
Just go downstairs, I'll
be there in a second.
Oh shit, sex drive 91%.
Simon, you dirty little vag.
Why do you keep using that word?
I don't think it means
what you think it means.
Quit breaking my balls.
Just go downstairs.
Ass hole.
Love you, baby.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating Updating.
WT fuck, man.
Updating.
Updating.
How is she real or or whatever?
I can't even begin to explain.
One minute she
was an iPhone app,
and the next she was right
there in front of me.
Updating.
Oh my God.
This is crazy, this is
crazy, this is crazy.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
What do we do?
We've got to get out of here.
Where do we go?
I have to get my laptop.
Yeah.
Here's the thing about your
laptop, Bash kind of stole it.
You have got to be shitting me.
We got to go to Bash's?
Oh fuck that.
No.
Let's go to my house,
let's hide out.
No.
We've got to go to Bash's.
I've screwed all of this up
and now I've got to fix it.
[screaming]
[music playing]
Ladies and gentleman, this
evening's entertainment.
So we all know our little friend
Simon and his new girlfriend,
but what you all don't know is
that he created this chick out
of thin air.
All these photos,
are Photo Shopped.
Let me show you some pictures
that weren't Photo Shopped.
[music playing]
[laughter]
[music playing]
Updating.
Updating.
Simon.
Simon, don't leave me.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
OK.
OK.
OK.
I'm freaking out.
I'm done.
I'm done.
Why is she so psycho?
I don't know.
Everything has been
great, like really great.
All day yesterday was
awesome, you know?
Wait, did you bang that thing?
It's not a thing, it's a girl.
And yes, like a lot.
Nice, man.
[music playing]
What?
[music playing]
Oh, OK.
What are we supposed to do?
Kill her?
No.
No, man.
I'm going to fix her.
I just need my laptop.
Geez.
Updating.
Updating.
[beeping]
[music playing]
God damnit, not again.
Updating.
Updating.
[laughter]
Why is everyone laughing?
Maybe because of that.
That's it.
I thought that would
be more dramatic.
Yeah.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Bash?
Bash?
Well well, If it isn't
Casanova himself.
Give me my laptop.
Yeah, give him his laptop, dude.
What are you going to
do if I don't, Vag?
Man, you don't understand.
I need that laptop.
Well, come get it.
[screaming]
Fuck it.
We don't have time for this.
Simon?
I'm not mad, sweetie,
I just want to talk.
Hey baby, what's up?
You.
What do you want, bitch?
You're the tramp that wrecked
my best friend's relationship.
Whatever, slut.
Aw, cat fight.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh!
Oh Peg.
I told I'd go balls deep
in your girlfriend tonight.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
No fucking way.
Updating.
Updating.
Peg.
Updating.
Oh, Peg.
That was so... that was so sweet.
I can't believe you did that.
Desiree?
Is that you?
It's so dark.
It's so cold.
Let me try to get
the bottle out.
Oh God, no.
No, that's tender.
That's tender.
It's just your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure if you clean
up the wound it'll be OK.
Oh, I didn't know
you were a doctor.
Go away please.
Desiree, don't listen to her.
She's crazy.
She's not a doctor.
Give me my laptop.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
I don't need it anyway.
Updating.
Updating.
Bash, what have you done?
Updating.
You're so much hotter in person.
This is why she's
been acting so crazy.
Her strength, her emotion,
her sex drive, seriously?
These are all way too high.
Updating.
Updating.
Oh shit, you changed
her relationship status?
It's just one more thing you're
going to lose to me, Vag.
Bash, you don't understand.
If she's in a
relationship with you...
Oh, you are intense, baby.
Don't use that word.
I'm so sorry, baby.
I was just kidding.
I didn't mean it.
Simon, this bitch is crazy.
I just want to talk.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
[music playing]
[crashing]
Oh shit.
Well, I did not see this
evening taking this turn.
What do we do?
Do we call 9-1-1?
No.
Hell no.
We're not going to do that.
We're going to do what
teenagers always do
in a situation like this, run.
[screaming]
[music playing]
That's my house.
So, what happened back there?
Who is that lady?
Honestly, it's a
long, long story.
Tell me later?
OK guys, so the next
project that we're
going to be working on this
year, it's called Stan's Face.
Yes, yes, I know you guys
are all very excited.
The basic premises, I
wake up every morning
and take a new
picture of my face.
Dude, that chick was so hot.
You and Simon with
college chicks?
Epic, bro.
Dude, are you kidding me?
That's called evidence, son.
Hey.
How's your shoulder, baby?
You know how I feel about
that word, sweet heart.
[music playing]
How you doing Simon?
College girl?
Nice bro.
Genius, right?
Simon, what are you doing here?
Better question is, what
are you doing in my seat?
Don't look at me.
Get out of the man's seat.
Oh.
Celia, care to do that honors?
Since Stanley has stepped
down as intern president,
I would like to nominate
Simon for president of FMSDA.
Who will second?
Great.
Let's get started.
I've been working on this
really awesome program.
Scene 70, take one, marker.
All right, you ready?
Ready over there, Tony?
All right.
And action.
I forgot my line.
Oh shit, we're doing a line?
Sorry.
Cut.
I'm sorry.
Greetings, blah, blah, blah.
Sorry.
You're gross.
[laughter]
OK guys...
[laughter]
Full disclosure, think
about... blah, blah, blah.
OK, what I just said was a lie.
But that's not... Shit.
OK.
OK, the thing I
just said was a lie.
About Bash not... shit.
OK.
About me not caring
what Bash does to me.
All right, I got it.
Blah, blah, blah.
You can bet your ass I'm
going to tell everybody
that they did.
Because she has to
remove it, right?
No.
No?
No she does not
have to [inaudible]..
Oh, so it doesn't matter...
We're not making a pornography.
Contrary to popular belief.
We're going to get real weird
with this one, all right?
Wait until I get off
on the idea that she's
going to be the first one...
I totally get off on the idea
of the first girl... oh my God.
I totally get off on
the idea of... oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh man I almost had it.
Shit.
Why is this line so hard?
[inaudible]
What are we doing right now?
Scene A71, Frank, take one.
I just lost my thing-inity.
Whatever that is.
Slate.
Slate-inity.
[laughter]
Who's my little buddy?
You know what we're going to do?
You're going to
type the buttons,
you're going to make it happen...
[laughter]
It is your will.
It is God's work
that you do this.
It is your fate.
Do you see?
The computer tells you.
It is if it is speaking to us.
(SINGING)
OK.
[screaming]
I was actually going
to say I was thinking
about a different direction.
I was thinking about that.
After he leaves,
I go over there.
I start making out with Stanley.
Oh my God.
Why is everyone laughing?
That was stupid.
Why is everyone laughing?
All right, so...
No one's laughing.
Take 32, [inaudible],
take three.
[beeping]
The clacking things.
57 Charlie, take one.
That's a lot of Charlie's.
That's 57 Charlie
all over the place.
Oh fuck, dude.
No.
Acting.
No, OK.
42 Dallas, take one.
It should always be dollars.
Dollars, dollars, dollars.
Dollar bills, y'all.
Everything is about Stanley.
Everything is about Stanley.
Stanley is starring
in his own movie.
[inaudible]
Oh, right, right.
[inaudible]
I got caught up being
popular and being...
it totally fell.
And...
Head to scene 68,
your anus, take one.
And action.
Wait, what are we doing?
What are we doing?
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[panting]
OK, what were we supposed to do?
Kill her?
[music playing]
Oh man.
I can't believe I'm
here with you right now.
Going to school
before school starts.
You're such a dweeb, dude.
And worse than that, I think
it's rubbing off on me.
Dude, chill out.
This is going to take
like two seconds.
I'm not even part of your
gay little club, dude.
I really wish you
would have told me
that you were doing this
today before inviting me over.
I didn't invite you.
You just showed up.
Still, false advertising.
[music playing]
Hey, Sammy.
Where is everyone?
[inaudible]?
Look, this isn't a team meeting.
So let's get right to it.
Have you seen this?
Everyone has seen this video.
This is like Chernobyl bad.
Who the hell is Chernobyl?
I like to think I created a
certain standard for this group
that you just no
longer live up to.
And so Simon,
you're out of FMSDA.
I'm going to need
your jump drive
and your computer
lab key card back.
I'm prepared to hear you
defend yourself and make
me understand why you
deserve to stay in FMSDA.
Rip a whole new asshole dude.
Whatever.
I'm sorry.
Compelling.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four...
This ain't your avenue, man.
Would you just shut your mouth?
Every time you open your mouth,
you just make things worse.
Dude, we are going to kick this
school's ass this year, man.
Oh man.
Oh shit, lacrosse team.
Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.
There's that son of a bitch.
bashrethedorf.
Oh, that's Desiree.
I cannot not understand what
she sees in that douche bag.
What was that?
No one.
You were looking at
her, weren't you.
- [inaudible]
- Bashrethedorf.
Honey, I know what I'm doing.
You obviously don't.
Anyone who comes to the door
can see inside the house now.
The TV part supposed
to go on the inside.
The TV part, would you
listen to yourself?
The monitor is on the
inside of the house,
then how is any going to know
that we have a video intercom.
Why does anyone have to know
that we have a video intercom?
Because if I'm going to
spend $537.51 on something,
I don't want to have to
hide it from my neighbors.
I can't.
[door slam]
[music playing]
How's it going, Dad?
Oh, you know.
I can't complain.
So how's school going?
School hasn't started yet, Dad.
But it was a pretty rough day.
Good, good.
Just keep it up.
[music playing]
You know, I heard Ahmad even
got a girl from this summer.
I'm sick of this shit.
That was my iPad.
I'm sick of being a loser, man.
I've had it.
Guys like Bashly get all the
girls, and what do we get?
Pantsed on YouTube.
Yeah, I know.
Wait, Ahmad?
The spoiled little Indian kid
from your iPhone club thingy.
OK, first of all, that's racist.
I don't see how that's racist.
He's from India and he's
a squirrly looking fella.
Well, yeah.
Him.
How did that little dude
get a girl to date him?
Dude probably made it up.
No, I've seen pictures of
them together and everything.
So, it's easy to fake that.
[music playing]
You know, it actually
is really easy to fake.
We're going to make
ourselves girlfriends.
No, no.
That's creepy.
That's beyond creepy.
Well dude, I hate
to break it to you,
but we're kind of pathetic
and creepy already.
Deal with it.
People would see
right through that.
No they wouldn't.
You're like an idiot
savant computer guy.
Just make it do things.
Make it work.
There is no way that I'm
going to sit here and make
a girlfriend on my computer.
It doesn't work that way.
You know, just think about
all the opportunities
that this little
computer could give us.
Just think about all the
stupid app shit that you make.
Don't call it stupid.
All that really
interesting app stuff
you make, why don't
you just make it,
you know, interestinger,
like with boobies.
Think about the boobies, Simon.
Think about the boobies.
[music playing]
It's not going to work.
We just post a
bunch pictures of us
Photoshopped in with some girls,
claiming to be our girlfriends.
People are going to
see right through that.
Haven't you seen "Catfish?"
Here me out.
We take different pieces
from different girls
on the Internet.
We put them together to make
an amalgam of a girl, you know?
It's one that can't be searched.
Different hair from this
girl, eyes from this girl,
lips from this girl,
tits from that girl,
real Frankenstein shit.
[music playing]
Like, they go to be hot,
but they can't be too hot,
you know?
Like, in your case maybe
a little bit jerkey.
We hack into Facebook, we
go back in time literally
by changing the
days on the photos,
and put it in like
they've been on for years.
You know?
Like sweet sixteens,
family reunions,
quinceaneras and all that shit.
Like, they need to be
interactive, you know?
Write an iPhone ad that
will text and call us.
[music playing]
What are you going
to name yours?
Lilly.
Her name is Lilly.
[music playing]
College girls?
No way.
[ding]
We now have girlfriends.
[music playing]
[record scratch]
Greetings lame dicks.
Stanley.
Whats up?
So, I heard about your GFs.
Oh, did you now?
Yeah, I did.
We haven't even told anybody.
I saw it on Facebook.
Everybody saw it on Facebook.
Well, our girls.
They just had to
go tell everybody.
You know how girls are?
Yeah.
They're really into us.
Yeah.
Really into us.
So where are they?
Oh, that's right.
They're college girls, right?
Hm-hm.
Totally.
So why didn't you
mention them yesterday?
Well, because you were
being a dick yesterday.
What college do they go to?
State.
Where'd you meet them?
Outward bound.
Why is this the first
time we heard of it.
Extreme wilderness adventure.
We're only allowed to use
technology once per week
and call it...
Where are they from?
Stacey?
Willowsbrooke.
Lilly?
Northbrooke.
Have they met your parents yet?
Not yet.
We're keeping it casual.
How far have you
gotten with her?
A gentleman never tells.
Bullshit.
Peg?
Oh, we're boning like rabbits,
but like really horny rabbits.
Dude.
What?
Gross.
[phone buzzing]
Oh, lookey here.
Calling me right now,
the old ball and chain.
Nice.
Yeah.
Well, see you later, dude.
[bell ringing]
Mr. Nathaniel Hawthorne
working on the emotion
of his protagonist in this
work, remembering class
that the protagonist
is the main character.
The protagonist faces
almost a force of agony
that has befallen him.
I'm sorry about what
happened yesterday.
I wanted you to stay
on and be on Rusty.
It's OK.
It's really not
that big of deal.
It is to me.
I actually wanted to
win something this year.
But with you gone, that's
pretty much out the window.
Something that you just
don't like about yourself.
Well, I have.
Can any of you
guess what mine is?
It's my pinky toe.
I can't move it.
[laughter]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[clicking]
[phone buzzing]
[clicking]
[phone dinging]
[clicking]
[phone dinging]
[clicking]
[phone dinging]
[phone dinging]
[clicking]
[phone buzzing]
[laughter]
Now class, let's quiet down
because this is the best part.
[music playing]
[phone dinging]
[clicking]
Peg.
Hey.
What's up?
Who are you texting?
My girlfriend.
Oh.
What, what, why?
Oh, nothing.
I was just thinking...
nothing.
Thinking what?
Let's talk after class.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[phone dinging]
[music playing]
(SINGING) A lot of butts.
Sorry, guys.
It's my girlfriend, Lilly.
[laughter]
She' really into me.
Well, that's it.
Now, from now on when
you enter this class,
you will leave your phones
right here in this basket.
And when you leave, you
can take them with you.
[bell ringing]
I thought you were
different, Simon.
[laughter]
Dude, I accidentally
mixed up the messages.
Stacy go the ones I wrote
and Lilly got the ones
that you wrote.
That's some sick stuff man.
I know.
Seriously?
Now, give me your phone.
I want to change it back.
Oh, no way.
No, this just worked
on Desiree, dude.
She wants to meet
me after class.
I got to go.
I got a semi in my pants.
[music playing]
First period, first fucking
day of class and you're
going to be fucking what?
Phone vag?
Language.
My bad Mr. Crowley.
What are you going to
do to make it up to me?
Anything you want.
Homework for a week.
Books.
A month.
Jesus Christ.
Come on, Peg.
[bell ringing]
Don't fuck with my flow or
I'm going to punch your face
right in the face.
Vag.
[music playing]
[phone dinging]
[music playing]
Stupid, pathetic idea.
[phone buzzing]
I wish I could make you real.
[music playing]
Dinner.
[music playing]
Simon, have you been crying?
Yeah.
Why on earth were you...
I had it all wrong, Mom.
I thought it should be a
program that's executable,
a robot that would just randomly
send out messages I told it to.
But that's not it at all.
You see, it had to
think and respond.
If I just work on my
algorithm a little bit more
to define the perimeters
of what we perceive
as human emotion, then just
a few simple responses,
I can feed it information.
Wait, I don't have to
feed it information.
As long as it has an
internet connection,
it has a brain that has
access to all the information
it could ever want.
My algorithm just
need to provide it
with access and a
filter, that way
it can make
decisions and respond
to me based on those decisions.
It's not just a
random generator,
it's a program that can
actually think and carry
on a conversation like a
companion, like a person.
That's nice, dear.
We're definitely going
to talk about why
you were crying, though.
Later.
Now, your father
and I are leaving
for Aunt Kate's in the morning.
I wrote out a list
of chores that you
need to do when we're gone,
it's on the chalkboard.
Peg can come by, but
he cannot stay past 10.
We'll be back on Sunday.
Simon.
Did you hear me?
Got it, Mom.
I worry about him.
He can't wait to get laid.
Harry.
What?
[music playing]
So now you need
a sense of humor.
[music playing]
So, what about the
tough questions?
[music playing]
Sex drive, maybe a little one.
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[phone buzzing]
This is going to take all night.
[music playing]
[beeping]
[music playing]
OK Simon, we're leaving.
They're toaster tarts in
the pantry for breakfast.
Don't be late for school.
Simon?
Simon!
OK, Mom.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
(SINGING) Anything could.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
(SINGING) Anything could.
Anything could happen.
Anything could happen.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
OMG, did you hear Bash
and Desiree broke up?
He is so going to
[inaudible] at his party.
OMG.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
Hey, no.
[phone buzzing]
Sup, Vag?
What's this?
Aw, we have all the
time in the world.
No you don't, you
have until Friday.
That's our English
assignment, especially
since you were too much of a
pussy to show up this morning.
I need it by Friday night,
so bring it to my party.
And bring your little girlfriend
too, I hear she's in college.
I totally get off on the idea
of the first college girl
I'll go balls deep
is stolen from you.
Hey, there's that bugger Peg
over there with Desiree again.
Like I give a shit.
I got girls waiting to blow me.
Let that geek carry her
purse for a few days.
I need a break anyway.
But if your BFF
touches her, I'll
split both your
nut sacks in half.
You got the Vag?
How can I have a nut
sack if I'm a vag?
Jell-O. Friday.
OK, so now we're
in agreement here.
Cindy's office squad
which is perfect,
because when you look
at your reputation
now we just can't have the
whole squad brought down by it.
Right.
I know.
So, shopping, I'll get her
make up all in place, and...
Desiree.
Anyway, what I'm
thinking... what?
You know what, why
don't we just finish up
this conversation tomorrow.
All right.
Sounds good.
OK.
Bye-bye.
I just wanted to
see if you wanted
to hang out and or something.
I know what you want,
you want to kiss me.
Maybe, maybe.
You know, whatever.
Yeah, sure.
What do you want to do, man?
I don't even care.
I have an idea, how about this?
Why don't you come over
to my place tonight
and help me with my homework.
And then afterwards, who
knows, maybe you'll get lucky.
Yeah, uh, yeah.
Uh, yeah, I got plans
but I can cancel.
Oh.
Um.
Down boy.
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[water running]
[music playing]
Ow.
Son of a bitch.
[music playing]
Who?
[music playing]
Its me, Simon.
Lilly?
No.
How?
You created me.
You designed me
and now I'm here.
No.
No, this isn't real.
I'm dreaming.
You were dreaming
that this happened?
[music playing]
Yup, this is exactly
what happens.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ow.
So am I.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'll clean it up.
[music playing]
[music playing]
OK.
I think I'm finished.
Desiree, I'm finished.
Did you do the
differentials part?
Yes, I did.
OK, because that's
what do tomorrow.
Ah well, I did it.
So...
So what?
Well, you know, I did
your homework for you
and we had a
conversation earlier.
It was a great
conversation, I loved it.
You're are so cute.
And you said something
about, uh, getting lucky.
Oh.
Well, don't you
have a girlfriend?
Oh, well she, uh, she um,
we have an understanding.
What kind of understanding?
Well, uh, you know,
she's a college girl,
and so she's super open minded.
We can see other people.
You know, it's not a big deal.
No.
No, I'm not OK with that.
If you want anything to
happen here tonight with me,
you have to end it with her.
OK.
Well?
What?
What you want me to do it now?
Right now?
Yes.
Now.
It's going to be a long
conversation, you know?
And it's going to take a while.
Now.
Yeah.
OK.
I could do it now.
That's fine.
Oh, and I want all those
Facebook photos of you
two gone.
Uh, yeah.
OK.
I'll just untag myself.
No, I want them gone.
OK.
I'll go do that right now.
No.
Do it here.
I don't necessarily
think that's right.
I mean, you know, they
mean a lot to her.
I should let her
down easy, you know?
OK.
But just so you know,
you better do it quickly
because I'm not going
to wait here all night.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I'm just going
to grab my shoes.
I'll be right back.
[water running]
Simon, let me in, man.
Simon!
Hey, Simon, I know your mad,
man, but I need your laptop.
[laughter]
Simon, Simon.
Simon, I got to borrow
your laptop, dude.
Did you hear that?
Nothing.
OK.
Yup, Desiree wants
to bone tonight
and I got to be a
free man beforehand.
What the?
What is up with this?
Why is the keyboard all sticky?
Ew.
You know how girls are, man.
They always want to own
the pig, pun intended.
OK.
All right.
I'm taking your laptop, dude.
I'll leave a message.
Dear Simon, borrowing
your laptop,
bring back to school tomorrow.
Love
and kisses, Peg.
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
[phone buzzing]
[music playing]
You're so sexy when you wake up.
It wasn't a dream.
I'm so... you were [inaudible].
You were.
[music playing]
Mmmm.
You're going to love it.
[music playing]
It's so good.
It's so good.
I think you've got this covered.
[laughter]
[music playing]
[screaming]
[music playing]
All right.
Ew.
[music playing]
You know, I never
thought that Red Vines
would be so delicious.
I know, right?
They're so bad for you
but I don't even care.
Did you just Disney movie me?
Maybe.
That's pretty cheesy, babe.
[computer booting up]
Oh.
I guess it just needed
time to juice up, I guess.
Hey Stacey.
How are you doing?
Can we talk for a minute?
I need to tell you something.
It's not going to
work between us.
I know.
It's not you, OK?
It's me.
Well, it's a little bit
you because on the account
that you're not real.
But, you know what?
You did better than I ever
though you would for me.
You know?
You got me Desiree, and, you
know, you're a wonderful girl.
And listen, you know, I'm
sure that one day you're
going to go out
there, you're going
to make some sad, lonely
computer nerd super happy.
Not this guy, not me.
[music playing]
Damn.
Simon is like Rain
man with this shit.
What is this?
Sex drive at 15%?
Simon, you're such a pussy.
She's going to need more
emotional than that,
she's not a robot.
Maybe a little strength
too, maybe she'll
be beat Bash's ass for us.
There we go.
That's more like it.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Take it off.
Take it off.
Lilly!
Shut up!
Take it off.
Don't look me in the eye.
[music playing]
Your friend Peg broke up
with Stacey last night.
Yeah?
Desiree is pretty into him.
So are you going
to do that with me?
What?
What?
Break up with me
for some stupid slut
as soon as she starts showing
a little interest in you.
No, it's totally different.
Stacey's just someone
that Peg made up.
Desiree is a real
girl, so he must...
Well, you made me up.
Yeah, but you're real now.
Stacey was just a Facebook page.
Besides, Peg has had a crush
on Desiree for like ever.
Wait.
So if some little bitch
you've had a crush on
starts showing a
little interest in you,
you are just going
to leave me for her?
Is that it?
I don't know what's happening.
OK.
Why are you so upset?
OK.
Just take a deep breath.
"The Woman in Me," by
Rebecca [inaudible]
says that when I am feeling
marginalized by my man,
I just need to
take a deep breath
and step back, and count
the ways in which I
am a powerful woman.
I won't let you steal my power.
Baby, just...
Don't use that word.
That word is designed to
lower my feminine value.
I apologize.
OK.
I don't want to fight.
Do you love me?
So much.
And you promise you
will never ever leave me
for some stupid slut?
No, no, no, no, mam.
Can you stay with me today?
It's just too early
for you to leave me.
I have to go.
If I miss more than one
class, they call my parents.
Oh, I've got it.
Mrs. Dops?
Simon has a fever today
and we wouldn't want
him giving it to anyone else.
Thank you so much.
I'll tell him.
OK.
Done.
Now, let's have a
little fun and then
I can fill your
tummy with pancakes.
Oh my God.
You're the perfect woman.
So she was like,
"That's my purse,"
like she owned it
already, but I mean,
we were both in the same store.
And if she wanted
it that badly, she
wouldn't have left
it outside when
she was in the dressing room.
OMG, what did you do?
Bitch tried to call
security on me,
so I just took
out my credit card
and I paid for it, staring her
down the whole time smiling.
I mean, what was
she going to do?
[laughter]
What?
You made your point.
Listen, I'm not here to
apologize or anything,
and I'm not saying anything
is going on with Sydney,
but if it were...
and last night it
was, it would be over.
Like I care.
I already got that
bitch thrown off
the cheer leading squad anyway.
And what about that slut who
said she was going to blow you?
Listen Bash, the girl obviously
doesn't want to talk to you.
So why don't you just...
Shut up.
OK.
Baby, I'm done with the whole
blow job receiving business.
Totally.
OK.
You're dismissed.
Huh?
We're done here.
You can go now.
Go away.
Is that Simon's?
Uh, yeah.
I'm supposed to give it to him.
Go.
So cute.
Bash, baby, what
have you been up to?
[music playing]
Have balls, Peg.
[music playing]
Mmm, pancakes.
Baby?
Lilly, sorry.
Lilly the door is locked
from the outside, I guess.
[music playing]
The door was locked.
I would have gone
down and helped you.
I know, I locked it.
What?
Why would you do that?
It's just better this way.
What's better?
What way?
Did you know that 99.7%
of all relationships
starting in high school end?
I can't have you
leaving with the odds
overwhelmingly against us.
I just want us to stay
together, sweetie.
So, you just want to keep
me locked up in my house?
In your room, yes.
When you say it like that
you make it sound so bad.
OK.
Sweetheart, I know
this is all new to you,
but I have to be able
to eat and drink and...
I'll get you whatever you need.
Honey, this is just silly.
You're just looking
for an excuse
to leave me like your
pervy little friend, Peg.
Now, Lilly, this is not
acceptable behavior.
Don't talk down to me like that.
In "Taking My Power Back,
by Beatrice Lesband,
she says that men
are free to roam
wherever they please
while woman are
expected to just stay at home.
Oh, we're not roaming anywhere,
Mr. You're staying right here.
Deep breathes.
Count the ways in which
I am a powerful woman.
Now, eat your pancakes, and
I'm going to go clean up
after making your breakfast.
I need to cool down.
[door slamming]
I'm so sorry.
I just... I'm just so
afraid without you.
I don't know what I did.
Baby, here.
I'll clean this up.
There's that word again.
You don't respect me, do you?
Baby, baby, baby.
Who else are you calling baby?
No one.
Only you.
I promise.
I'll never say it again.
Oh, I'll show you.
[door slamming]
[music playing]
You're so strong.
Where did you get handcuffs?
Amazon.
I got them for us.
I thought it would add
excitement in the bedroom.
Aw, that's sweet.
Right?
There.
Now, you stay here
and rest and I'm
going to go downstairs and
clean up the mess you made.
[music playing]
Come on.
[phone buzzing]
Simon, dude, I don't think
I've ever made a phone
call on this phone before.
That's how important this is.
Please answer your phone.
Dude, come on.
You know what?
Fuck it.
I'm coming over right now, dude.
[music playing]
No way.
[music playing]
What are you doing?
Don't worry about it.
Just take off your shirt
and get on the bed.
I'm about to get
super cranked up.
No.
No way, we need to
talk about this.
I'm not OK with what happened.
Who is that girl?
We're about to find out.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh.
Oh my God, I'm so out of shape.
God, this is the only time I'll
thank you for a small hand.
[music playing]
[music playing]
Look, will you stop
playing around on Facebook
and come talk to me?
Babe, I'm at work.
Oh my God, don't babe me.
Get over here.
Me too, babe.
You're such a ass,
douche bag, whole ass.
You know, I'm not coming
to your party tonight.
And, I was going
to make cupcakes.
Desiree, what kind of cupcakes?
Strawberry.
Those are my favorite.
Well, I know that's silly.
Simon, was that you?
You crafty little devil.
How did you slip
those handcuffs?
Simon?
Simon?
Oh, you poor thing.
You're hurt.
Woah.
No!
[struggling]
Oh my God.
I'm just going to
walk from here.
What's the worst
that could happen?
Oh my God.
Oh fuck me.
Oh.
OK.
[door knocking]
Oh God.
Simon?
Let me in, man.
Who is it?
Simon, let me in, man.
Now's not a really
good time, man.
Simon, just let me
talk for a minute
and I can explain everything.
Look I'm sorry, man.
I got caught up being
popular and having
Desiree be so into me.
You know?
She was really into
me, but you what?
I decided to leave that
and come here for you, man.
Simon?
Simon?
Simon?
Damn.
You see right through
me, don't you?
Best buds always do.
She dumped me, man
like month old cheese.
Like I wasn't even
a real person.
Liked all those hot, steamy,
passion-filled nights.
It's like they meant
nothing to her,
like it didn't even happen.
All right, full disclosure,
that thing I just said,
it was a lie.
The thing about the
passion-filled nights
never happened.
But you're going to bet
your ass that I'm going
to tell everyone that it did.
I don't care what
Bash does to me.
OK.
That thing I just
said was a lie.
I absolutely care
what Bash does to me.
I'm sorry I bailed on you.
When you needed me most I just...
oh shit.
Oh shit.
I'm coming little buddy.
Damnit.
Oh shit.
Simon.
Who the hell is that?
It's Lilly.
No, seriously.
Who is it?
Oh damn, it's a hooker isn't it?
Mam, we're minors, OK?
So, whatever money
he owes you we
could probably pay
it back, just...
God damn.
Hookers are strong.
Shut up you little perv.
It's Lilly for real.
Now stop pulling on me.
Oh my god.
What the hell?
Don't leave.
Hey, help.
Help.
Help.
Hey.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Look at this shit,
emotions 21%, strength 80%,
what the hell does this mean?
Baby, what are you doing?
People are downstairs
waiting for us.
Nag much?
Just go downstairs, I'll
be there in a second.
Oh shit, sex drive 91%.
Simon, you dirty little vag.
Why do you keep using that word?
I don't think it means
what you think it means.
Quit breaking my balls.
Just go downstairs.
Ass hole.
Love you, baby.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating Updating.
WT fuck, man.
Updating.
Updating.
How is she real or or whatever?
I can't even begin to explain.
One minute she
was an iPhone app,
and the next she was right
there in front of me.
Updating.
Oh my God.
This is crazy, this is
crazy, this is crazy.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
What do we do?
We've got to get out of here.
Where do we go?
I have to get my laptop.
Yeah.
Here's the thing about your
laptop, Bash kind of stole it.
You have got to be shitting me.
We got to go to Bash's?
Oh fuck that.
No.
Let's go to my house,
let's hide out.
No.
We've got to go to Bash's.
I've screwed all of this up
and now I've got to fix it.
[screaming]
[music playing]
Ladies and gentleman, this
evening's entertainment.
So we all know our little friend
Simon and his new girlfriend,
but what you all don't know is
that he created this chick out
of thin air.
All these photos,
are Photo Shopped.
Let me show you some pictures
that weren't Photo Shopped.
[music playing]
[laughter]
[music playing]
Updating.
Updating.
Simon.
Simon, don't leave me.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
OK.
OK.
OK.
I'm freaking out.
I'm done.
I'm done.
Why is she so psycho?
I don't know.
Everything has been
great, like really great.
All day yesterday was
awesome, you know?
Wait, did you bang that thing?
It's not a thing, it's a girl.
And yes, like a lot.
Nice, man.
[music playing]
What?
[music playing]
Oh, OK.
What are we supposed to do?
Kill her?
No.
No, man.
I'm going to fix her.
I just need my laptop.
Geez.
Updating.
Updating.
[beeping]
[music playing]
God damnit, not again.
Updating.
Updating.
[laughter]
Why is everyone laughing?
Maybe because of that.
That's it.
I thought that would
be more dramatic.
Yeah.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Bash?
Bash?
Well well, If it isn't
Casanova himself.
Give me my laptop.
Yeah, give him his laptop, dude.
What are you going to
do if I don't, Vag?
Man, you don't understand.
I need that laptop.
Well, come get it.
[screaming]
Fuck it.
We don't have time for this.
Simon?
I'm not mad, sweetie,
I just want to talk.
Hey baby, what's up?
You.
What do you want, bitch?
You're the tramp that wrecked
my best friend's relationship.
Whatever, slut.
Aw, cat fight.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh!
Oh Peg.
I told I'd go balls deep
in your girlfriend tonight.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
No fucking way.
Updating.
Updating.
Peg.
Updating.
Oh, Peg.
That was so... that was so sweet.
I can't believe you did that.
Desiree?
Is that you?
It's so dark.
It's so cold.
Let me try to get
the bottle out.
Oh God, no.
No, that's tender.
That's tender.
It's just your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure if you clean
up the wound it'll be OK.
Oh, I didn't know
you were a doctor.
Go away please.
Desiree, don't listen to her.
She's crazy.
She's not a doctor.
Give me my laptop.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
Updating.
I don't need it anyway.
Updating.
Updating.
Bash, what have you done?
Updating.
You're so much hotter in person.
This is why she's
been acting so crazy.
Her strength, her emotion,
her sex drive, seriously?
These are all way too high.
Updating.
Updating.
Oh shit, you changed
her relationship status?
It's just one more thing you're
going to lose to me, Vag.
Bash, you don't understand.
If she's in a
relationship with you...
Oh, you are intense, baby.
Don't use that word.
I'm so sorry, baby.
I was just kidding.
I didn't mean it.
Simon, this bitch is crazy.
I just want to talk.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
[music playing]
[crashing]
Oh shit.
Well, I did not see this
evening taking this turn.
What do we do?
Do we call 9-1-1?
No.
Hell no.
We're not going to do that.
We're going to do what
teenagers always do
in a situation like this, run.
[screaming]
[music playing]
That's my house.
So, what happened back there?
Who is that lady?
Honestly, it's a
long, long story.
Tell me later?
OK guys, so the next
project that we're
going to be working on this
year, it's called Stan's Face.
Yes, yes, I know you guys
are all very excited.
The basic premises, I
wake up every morning
and take a new
picture of my face.
Dude, that chick was so hot.
You and Simon with
college chicks?
Epic, bro.
Dude, are you kidding me?
That's called evidence, son.
Hey.
How's your shoulder, baby?
You know how I feel about
that word, sweet heart.
[music playing]
How you doing Simon?
College girl?
Nice bro.
Genius, right?
Simon, what are you doing here?
Better question is, what
are you doing in my seat?
Don't look at me.
Get out of the man's seat.
Oh.
Celia, care to do that honors?
Since Stanley has stepped
down as intern president,
I would like to nominate
Simon for president of FMSDA.
Who will second?
Great.
Let's get started.
I've been working on this
really awesome program.
Scene 70, take one, marker.
All right, you ready?
Ready over there, Tony?
All right.
And action.
I forgot my line.
Oh shit, we're doing a line?
Sorry.
Cut.
I'm sorry.
Greetings, blah, blah, blah.
Sorry.
You're gross.
[laughter]
OK guys...
[laughter]
Full disclosure, think
about... blah, blah, blah.
OK, what I just said was a lie.
But that's not... Shit.
OK.
OK, the thing I
just said was a lie.
About Bash not... shit.
OK.
About me not caring
what Bash does to me.
All right, I got it.
Blah, blah, blah.
You can bet your ass I'm
going to tell everybody
that they did.
Because she has to
remove it, right?
No.
No?
No she does not
have to [inaudible]..
Oh, so it doesn't matter...
We're not making a pornography.
Contrary to popular belief.
We're going to get real weird
with this one, all right?
Wait until I get off
on the idea that she's
going to be the first one...
I totally get off on the idea
of the first girl... oh my God.
I totally get off on
the idea of... oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh man I almost had it.
Shit.
Why is this line so hard?
[inaudible]
What are we doing right now?
Scene A71, Frank, take one.
I just lost my thing-inity.
Whatever that is.
Slate.
Slate-inity.
[laughter]
Who's my little buddy?
You know what we're going to do?
You're going to
type the buttons,
you're going to make it happen...
[laughter]
It is your will.
It is God's work
that you do this.
It is your fate.
Do you see?
The computer tells you.
It is if it is speaking to us.
(SINGING)
OK.
[screaming]
I was actually going
to say I was thinking
about a different direction.
I was thinking about that.
After he leaves,
I go over there.
I start making out with Stanley.
Oh my God.
Why is everyone laughing?
That was stupid.
Why is everyone laughing?
All right, so...
No one's laughing.
Take 32, [inaudible],
take three.
[beeping]
The clacking things.
57 Charlie, take one.
That's a lot of Charlie's.
That's 57 Charlie
all over the place.
Oh fuck, dude.
No.
Acting.
No, OK.
42 Dallas, take one.
It should always be dollars.
Dollars, dollars, dollars.
Dollar bills, y'all.
Everything is about Stanley.
Everything is about Stanley.
Stanley is starring
in his own movie.
[inaudible]
Oh, right, right.
[inaudible]
I got caught up being
popular and being...
it totally fell.
And...
Head to scene 68,
your anus, take one.
And action.
Wait, what are we doing?
What are we doing?
[music playing]
[music playing]