Ilana Glazer: Human Magic (2024) Movie Script
["Bussifame" by Dawn Richard playing]
Ooh!
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcome to
Ilana Glazer!
Ooh!
[audience enthusiastically cheering
and applauding]
Ooh!
Hello, hello!
[excitedly screams]
- [audience continues cheering]
- [Ilana whooping]
Oh, my God!
You're so sweet.
[screams]
Thank you so much!
I see you!
Yes, I see you!
[laughs]
What is up, Toronto?!
[squeals]
Oh, my gosh.
I am so excited to be here tonight.
- [audience cheering]
- I, um...
I wish I was wearing
nipple covers, actually.
[clears throat]
Oh, my gosh.
So, I became a parent about two years ago.
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.
And I have been most shocked by the joy.
[audience laughing]
Seriously, 'cause they tell you, you know,
"It's the hardest job of your life."
[laughter]
And it is, it's, um...
[sings]
So hard
Yeah.
Uh, they say you won't sleep for 18 years.
[audience member]
Ha!
And due to lack of sleep--
[all laughing]
Ha, ha. There's my laugher, I got him.
[audience laughing]
And due to lack of sleep,
I am experiencing cognitive decline.
- [audience laughing]
- [audience member] Woo!
But it's just been so joyous.
I'm, I'm shocked.
I've been having a magical
experience as a parent
and that magic for me began at conception.
[audience laughing and cheering]
So, I had not done that
like that...
[laughter]
until I was trying to get pregnant.
I had not done it raw dog, whole hog.
[audience laughing]
I'm talkin' bar into cog.
[laughter]
Um... yum.
- [giggles]
- [audience cheering and laughing]
It feels really good, you know?
Uh, I like it.
Yeah, I like it a lot.
Uh... the reason I had never done it
to completion with secretion...
- [audience laughing]
- [grunts]
is because I never went on birth control.
The time to go on birth control
is in high school.
Because you cannot trust
children with these matters.
[laughter]
It is safer to medicate our daughters 24/7
than it is to trust a high school boy
to roll a condom on correctly.
- [cheering and applause]
- Yeah.
I would trust a dog
with his goofy paws,
like, "Ooh, oooooh,"
over that bizarre, tiered penis...
[audience laughing]
before I'd think
Tyler Wizzawati could get it right.
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
So, I did not need birth control
because my poorly straightened hair
and commitment to jazz band
was doing all the work for me.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
- [audience member] Woo!
- I was like...
[imitates jazz drumming]
Who needs sexual experience
when you got Miles Davis, baby?!
[audience cheering]
Yeah, short answer: me.
[audience laughing]
And with the hair,
I kind of looked like Miles
toward the end, um.
[laughter]
Then I used condoms for many years.
LOL, "used condoms."
- [audience laughing]
- [sighs]
Every time I've opened a condom
in my life, I've wondered,
"Has this been used?"
- [audience laughing]
- Um...
condoms are gross, fresh.
[laughter]
Is that factory standard, you know?
Some guy's at the end
of the assembly line,
like, "Come on, here we go."
Pow!
"Pack it up."
"Gimme, gimme, gimme, ah!"
"Ship it off!"
[audience laughing]
My partner and I have been
using the pull-out method
for a long time.
I mean, he's really the one using it.
I have just been watching in awe.
- [audience member whooping]
- Wow, wow.
The pull-out method requires
high-stakes decision-making
with precision timing.
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
A guy who can pull out can negotiate
a hostage situation, you know?
I couldn't have that
responsibility, you know?
What would it look like if it were on me?
Like...
Huh!
- [audience laughing]
- Mm, mm.
I don't have the core strength.
- No.
- [audience laughing]
Pulling out is sex that
becomes yoga, you know?
[laughter]
Fucking that pivots to planking.
[audience laughing]
The pull-out method is
like a really special meal
you've planned for,
with multiple courses.
And when the final course arrives,
that's what everybody's
been really waiting for:
dessert.
And the server places before you,
the perfect slice
of flourless chocolate cake
while maintaining eye contact.
[laughter]
And you break off a forkful
and before it reaches your lips,
she smacks it outta your hand...
[audience laughing]
and the backhand
slaps you across the face!
And then she grabs that bite,
wraps it up in a tissue
and flushes it.
That's the pull-out method.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
- [Ilana laughs]
Thing about high school.
You remember blue balls?
That scam.
[audience laughing]
You remember that fuckin' sham?!
[audience whooping]
Blue balls was the election fraud
of our high school years.
[laughter]
Total fuckin' lie.
And back when I was in high school,
we had a new kind of boy on the block.
[in nasal voice]
Emo boys.
[audience cheering and laughing]
[normal] We were all familiar
with the jock-type, football players.
But these boys were
different, these emo boys.
- They, they looked like us.
- [audience member squeals]
- You know?
- [audience laughing]
They too, wore jeggings.
[audience laughing, squealing]
And they also sported a smoky eye.
And they had
There's Something About Mary hair,
but pasted to the forehead.
- [audience laughing]
- [giggles]
So, because these boys were different,
we thought they would treat us
differently than boys of the past.
But no, they were also like,
[with lisp] "Come on,
you gotta suck my dick
or else I'll get blue balls."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
I fell for it. I-I thought it was
a medical condition.
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
I was like, "Quick, quick, put it in!
Oh, my God."
[audience laughing]
Thought I had saved a life, you know?
[laughter]
And such a jizzy time for fashion.
Ugh.
[softly chuckles]
I think about the Olsen twins a lot.
- Um, anybody?
- [audience cheering and laughing]
They've been there the whole time.
- [laughter]
- You know?
I think they're feminist heroes.
[audience cheering]
The Olsen twins were cast in Full House
at six months old,
as hot babies?
- What?
- [audience laughing]
[chuckles]
And they made it out okay.
More than okay.
The Olsen twins have
this luxury fashion line
called The Row.
You know it?
- [audience members whooping]
- So gorgeous, these clothes,
they look like they should
only be worn by ghosts.
[audience laughing]
'Cause you're sorta just floating inches
above the ground in these clothes.
Their taste is impeccable.
They beat the odds.
The Olsen twins aren't supposed
to have a clothing line called The Row.
They're supposed to have a tequila line
called Double Trouble, you know?
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
But I think the most punk shit
the Olsen twins ever did
was when Mary-Kate married that
60-year-old French monster.
[audience cheering and clapping]
'Cause I think she was trolling us.
[laughter]
She could've had someone
who was on Laguna Beach,
instead she chose someone who
was on the beaches of Normandy.
[audience laughing]
Remember those pictures of them
making out at French basketball games?
Or I don't know what they do over there.
Croissant competitions, whatever.
He was like,
[in French accent] "Hon, hon, hon!"
You know?
Mary-Kate was like,
"Is this what you wanted?"
[flicking tongue, grunting]
[audience cheering and laughing]
I was like, "Mary-Kate, cut it out, dog."
[laughter]
"Girl, have mercy, please."
[sighs]
And she did have mercy.
They got a divorce. Um...
anybody divorced in here?
- [audience members cheering]
- Woo! Yes! Good for you.
Clap it up for the divorces here tonight.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Yes.
You don't like it?
Get outta here, you know?
I'm proud of you.
Excellent.
I'm, uh, married.
[chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
- [laughs] Woo!
Just a, a divorce enthusiast, you know?
[laughter]
'Cause marriage is hard.
You know, I feel so lucky
to be married to my husband.
But it's hard at baseline
to be a woman married to a man.
'Cause I, I see him sometimes as
[in angry tone]
"some man!"
[audience laughing]
[normal] Instead of the person
I chose to build my life with,
you know?
I see the whole world this way.
I look at tall buildings,
I see boners in the sky.
[laughter]
New York City is the world's
biggest dick-measuring contest,
you know?
The buildings are like,
"Look at me, I'm so tall."
Next one's like,
"Look at me, I'm angled, ooh."
City Hall's like, [in gruff voice]
"Hey, it's not all about the height,
fellas, come on!"
[laughter]
It stops me from being fully present,
seeing the world this way.
Like, I am so thrilled
to be here with you tonight.
I'm feeling honored and privileged
- to serve you my comedy.
- [audience cheering]
I'm feeling locked in.
And yet, there is a voice
in the back of my mind saying,
"How is it Ilana, that you're
allowed to take up this space
"for an hour?
The queer, Jewy woman
that you are, you know?"
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'll tell you how.
Ahhh.
[audience laughing]
Ahhh.
[audience cheering]
I have a dick in my face the entire time.
If the only way I can be
heard is through a dick,
you should have to listen to me
through little pussy speakers I think.
[laughter and whooping]
Why's a mic gotta be shaped like this?
Also, "mic"?
[audience laughing]
We get it, mic.
Okay, get over yourself.
Why couldn't the microphone
be two titties, you know,
left and right in stereo or something?
[audience laughing]
Some sound engineer in the room was like,
[with lisp] "I'm sorry, sweetheart,
it has to be penis-shaped."
[audience laughing]
[normal] I don't think so. I think if you
were a little more innovative,
we could have titty mics and I could be
motorboating this whole show.
[audience laughing]
But it sounds like I, like,
don't, like, love guys.
Like, I hate guys or something.
But I literally love guys.
Like, I'll suck a dick,
you know what I mean? Like...
[audience laughing and cheering]
I'll suck a dick! You know? Like...
And it's not just, like, a transaction.
I'm like, [grunts].
You know, like... up in dere.
You know?
[audience laughing]
So, I do love guys.
The, the problem I tend
to have is with men.
[audience cheering, whistling]
There's a difference.
You can feel the difference.
Guys help you move.
Men stand in your way at gettin' a job.
[audience laughing]
Guys let you merge.
Men go...
[audience laughing]
[audience member cheering]
Guys wear grey sweatpants
to get groceries.
[audience cheering and clapping]
Men wear jeans to the gym.
[audience laughing]
And if you're, "one of the guys,"
you're actually a woman.
[audience laughing and cheering]
If you're one of the men,
you're in a police report.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
So, I love guys.
Got myself a good guy.
My husband is... really hot.
- [audience cheering and clapping]
- Yeah.
And that is the most
important thing to me.
[audience laughing and cheering]
My husband's brilliant.
He has a PhD.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
He has a PhD, I have an LOL.
[audience laughing]
It's good for the clowning,
though, you know?
[audience laughing and applauding]
And my husband's the emotional
leader in our relationship.
I do this thing where
I'll build up resentment over time
and act like a bitch.
[laughter]
And then, suddenly burst into tears,
take a beat... and repeat.
[audience laughing and cheering]
When my husband's sad, he goes,
"[sighs deeply] I'm sad."
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, "[sighs] I'm wet."
[audience laughing]
Sayin' your feelings as they occur.
Come on!
[smooches]
Ugh, love it.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana chuckles]
So, I got myself a good guy,
but because he has
moved through this world
for 43 years as a man,
- without me,
- [audience member whooping]
he cannot buy a shirt.
[audience laughing]
He gets
[as Southern belle]
confused and overwhelmed.
[laughter]
[normal] I have to line up tabs
on an iPad, a dedicated device,
and really sell it to him, you know?
I'm like, "This one's Uniqlo.
Okay, we got the Gap."
My husband's like, "Hold on, hold on,
hold, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
"[sighs] Jesus Christ.
Can I just see some
solid colors, please?!"
[laughter]
I'm like, "You know what?
Let's just put it in the cart
and Mommy will return it
if you don't like it, okay?"
My husband's like,
"Yeah, but, like...
[distraught]
what size am I?!"
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Medium!"
[laughter]
My husband can explain
quantum mechanics over a joint.
Cannot press checkout
on the Everlane website.
[audience laughing]
But he got me pregnant,
so suddenly I was buying shirts for three.
[audience laughing]
So, when I was pregnant,
I was shooting a TV show
for six months in LA
and I was sick the entire
time I was shooting.
I couldn't believe it.
It kept going and going.
Every morning, I would
get to set, go to my trailer,
and then bolt to the bathroom
to puke foam.
- [audience member] Woo!
- Foam,
like facial foaming cleanser foam.
[audience laughing]
I was like,
"Am I gonna be put down?"
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
"Might I bite the leg of a crew member?"
No.
[audience laughing]
I was genuinely scared,
I had never heard of this before.
So, I called my mom and she goes,
"Well, that is very funny. [chuckles]
"When I was pregnant with you,
every day at 4:30,
"I would puke foam.
[mimics mom]
I totally forgot."
[audience laughing]
[normal]
Bitch, you forgot?
[audience laughing]
This is women's Fight Club.
[laughter]
Men, like, write stories
about wrestling in basements
and they have to pinky swear
never to tell anybody they kissed.
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
While women puke silently
in public restrooms,
and, [mimics mom]
"Oh, black it out."
[audience laughing]
[normal]
Now, while most pregnant actors
have to hide their little bumps
on set and on screen,
my belly was not an issue.
I stayed pretty small 'til the very end.
But I had two other major
issues to deal with.
And that was my chest bellies.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
These were not titties, they were tatas.
[audience laughing and whooping]
Whatever "bazoongas" are,
I had them on my chest.
[laughter]
I looked like 14-year-old boys
designed me in a lab.
[audience laughing]
The show I was, uh, filming
took place on one night.
So, we shot very much in continuity.
It looks like I'm having
an allergic reaction
- over the course of the night.
- [audience laughing]
They were hitting my chin, guys.
I couldn't get underwater for months.
Seriously.
If I took a bath, I'd have
to use a cup to wash my hair.
[audience laughing and cheering]
This was not the first time
my titties had sprung on me
in my life.
- I got big titties young.
- [audience member] Woo!
I was about nine years old
when they first appeared.
They were just leading
me around the world.
[laughter]
Like, just like, I was like,
"Go left, go left!
What?"
[audience laughing]
And it was surprising 'cause
I, I think they skipped a generation.
'Cause my mom has these, just these
cute, little-- just a, [kiss smacks]
just a [kiss smacks] kiss-a-titty.
[audience laughing]
I was bigger than my mom in fifth grade.
[laughter]
10 years old, I just had
these big ol' swingin'...
just fuckin' Jewish, you know?
[audience laughing, whooping]
Shtetl titties.
[audience cheering and laughing]
I looked like I could feed
the community, you know?
[audience laughing]
That was when I started
being treated like a woman
out in the world.
I was getting babysitting jobs.
That was pretty lit.
[audience laughing]
I was just babysitting other
fifth graders, you know?
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
I was like, "Should we
have candy for lunch?
Yeah, dope, dope."
[laughter]
That was also when
I started getting that hand
on my lower back,
gently guiding me through doorways.
[audience groaning]
That ended this year.
[laughter]
- [clicks tongue]
- [audience member] Woo!
I miss it.
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
I mean, first of all,
it was helpful, you know,
just to make, like, sense of those lines.
Like... "Okay, thank you, thank you."
[audience laughing]
[audience member whoops, claps]
And also, you know,
I like to be touched...
at times.
So now, before I go through any doorway,
I'll take a beat real quick and be like...
[audience laughing]
[people clapping]
[audience cheering]
"'Kay, I guess nobody wants to skim
the top of my ass crack today.
Alright."
[laughter]
It can be so mortifying
to be a woman in this world.
Toward the end of my pregnancy, I was, uh,
at my doctor's office
getting a sonogram of my,
um, belly.
LOL, imagine if I was like,
"Of my butt," like, what?
- [audience laughing]
- Of my belly.
And she said, "Ilana,
it appears your baby is breech."
And I was like,
"Totally breech, right? Like..."
[audience laughing]
"What is breech again?"
- [nervous giggle]
- [audience laughing]
[in nerdy voice]
"Quick refresher on breech, please."
[normal]
So, when a baby's about to be born,
you want them forehead to pussy, okay?
Just knock, knock, knockin'
on that pussy door.
Like, [clicks tongue] "Hello, Mama."
[smooches]
"Hi."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
"Here's Johnny."
[chuckles]
Just kidding.
"Here's your baby ready to be born."
Okay?
My baby was breech.
- She was tushy to pussy.
- [audience laughing]
Sitting like a baby Buddha
on my pelvic floor.
Ready to jump feet first,
like a Super Mario Brother down a tube.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
So, my doctor said,
"Because we're in your 37th week,
we should probably schedule a C-section."
So, I was upset at first
'cause I had not emotionally prepared
for the possibility of a C-section.
And don't get me wrong,
C-sections are fuckin' fire.
Okay?
They are tight, alright?
- [audience laughing]
- [audience member] Woo!
I mean, they're like major surgery
that takes months to heal from.
But, um,
they're fire 'cause
they get a baby out healthy
and they're tight because...
well, you know.
- [audience cheering]
- Um...
but I was just taken aback.
So, I asked her,
"Are there any other options?"
And she said,
"There is one, actually.
So, you would come on down
to the operating room."
I was like, "Oh, okay."
She was like, "And we would
fully anesthetize you."
And I was like, "Alright."
And she was like, "And me..."
and her words,
"...some other woman."
[audience laughing]
[clears throat]
Uh...
is she in the hospital system?
[audience laughing]
"Some other woman."
Could be the cashier
at the bodega down the block,
it might be Reese Witherspoon.
We don't know.
We can't know.
Some, any.
"Me and some other woman
would push and pull the baby
"from the outside,
twist and turn this baby,
"spin it into place,
and then, we would really hope it sticks."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "You know what sounds
pretty chill right about now?
"A fuckin' C-section.
"Okay.
"So, you can slide that into
my Google Cal, thank you.
Buh-bye."
What?
[laughter]
So, I go home
and I'm not fully settled with this plan.
So, I do a little research of my own.
I googled "spinning babies"?
- [chuckles]
- [audience cheering and laughing]
Half hoping to find, like,
a baby DJ collective, you know?
They're like, "B-B-B-Breech!
We the best fetus."
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
[audience cheering]
But what I found was
equally as surprising,
which was a method
called "spinning babies."
And the method suggests
that the pregnant person
takes out their ironing board...
[audience member]
What?!
...and removes their husband's
dress shirts off of it.
- [nervous chuckle]
- [audience laughing]
And you promise you'll
get back to the ironing
when the spinning is done.
[audience laughing]
"These shirts will be hard-pressed
for the morning, sir."
[audience laughing and clapping]
And you lean the ironing board
off of the couch
onto the floor,
straddle the ironing board,
and roll backwards, hang upside down,
and pray lava lamp technology occurs?
[audience laughing]
What?
We as a human race have
invented luxury airplanes
with glass floors so that Musk
or Zuck can look down on us
while they take dumps in the sky.
- [audience laughing]
- [sighs]
And we have not figured out
a better way to spin babies
in women's bodies.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
So, I was like, "Okay, got it.
"Um, I'm not gonna do this.
"Ha-ha. Um.
"Uh, well, you know, I'm not gonna
do the ironing board part,
"but I, I get it.
Get my body inverted."
So, I got into the position
that got me into this position
in the first place.
And that's face down, ass up.
[audience cheering and clapping]
Face down, ass up, that's the way
I turned my baby right side up.
[audience laughing]
And sometimes, uh,
the way I like to fuck.
Okay, so I got face down, ass up,
and I watched the first half of Aladdin.
[audience laughing]
So, the next morning, I finish Aladdin
and when I get off the couch,
I find a puddle
- where I had been sitting.
- [audience member] Oh, yeah!
Now, Aladdin's hot, obviously.
[audience laughing]
Like, so weirdly hot,
you know what I mean?
He's like so nimble, you know?
And no shirts for Aladdin, vests only.
[audience laughing]
Each step he's flashing
nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple, you know?
And I know he's not Jewish,
but he's, like, wearing a kippah.
I'm like, "What's up, Aladdin?
What's going on, dude?"
You know?
[clears throat]
But this amount of liquid was alarming.
So, I call my doctor
and I tell her about the puddle
and Aladdin's hot, obviously.
[laughter]
And she said, "No, Ilana,
I don't think this is Aladdin."
[audience laughing]
"I think you're in labor.
[as game show host] I want you
to come on down to the hospital!"
- [audience cheering]
- I was like, "Woo!
Bitch, I'm nervous."
[audience laughing]
So, I go to the hospital
and I'm greeted by two residents,
a guy resident, and a gal resident.
And first thing I notice, they're young.
This is happening to me increasingly.
People younger than me
with jobs way more legitimate than me.
[laughter]
I was like,
"Um, what grade are you guys in?"
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
Hmm.
And they did have a young feel
because the guy resident
said to me, "Listen,
I have to address
the elephant in the room."
And I was like...
[audience laughing]
He said, "I have to tell you,
I'm your biggest fan!"
[audience cheering and applauding]
And then I said,
"And now,
you're gonna see my pussy."
[audience laughing]
Hmm.
And he said, "Yeah."
[laughter]
And I said, "Okay."
And he did.
[laughter]
Whole thing.
Tip to tail, guys.
Belly button to behind button.
[laughter]
The only two people who've
seen my entire undercarriage
in the past five years
are the love of my life
and my biggest fan.
[audience laughing,
whooping and applauding]
Mortifying.
But I got a plot twist for ya.
After I got finger-blasted
by my biggest fan...
[audience cheering]
it turned out I wasn't even
in laborrrrr.
False alarm!
[chuckling]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
He, he, he, he, he, hoo, hoo, hoo.
Jokes on me, Ilana the clown...
[audience laughing]
gettin' fingered by her fans.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [audience laughing and applauding]
[Ilana clears throat]
Got a little bonus Jonas.
After the, uh, diddling,
- um...
- [audience laughing]
they performed a sonogram
and the baby had spun
into the correct position.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah, crazy.
Thirty minutes of solo doggy style worked.
[laughter]
And the medical alternative
was for my doctor
and some broad to drug me and beat me up.
[audience laughing]
Thank God for Google.
- Yeah.
- [audience members whooping]
So, a couple weeks later I had this baby.
- And when-- Thank you.
- [audience cheering]
And when she was laid on my chest,
I said to her those three magic words:
Holy fucking shit!
[laughter and applause]
Holy fucking shit, magic!
Human magic!
I was like, "You are magic.
I am magic. We are magic."
I said to my husband,
"You witnessed magic. You are so lucky.
It was us, girl!"
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [laughs]
Oh, my goodness.
It was, um,
- a miraculous time.
- [audience member whooping]
It was also a little sad.
I don't know if you guys
have ever met a baby,
but they are pathetic.
[audience laughing]
They're all like, [weakly] "Huh."
You know, just like,
little jelly neck, you know?
Totally helpless.
And they look at you like,
"Why am I here?!"
[audience laughing]
"I don't know, I thought you'd be cute."
[laughter]
"Also, like, welcome to hell.
- "Sorry.
- [audience laughing and clapping]
"Seriously, sorry.
[clears throat] Um...
"this was for me.
[nervous chuckle]
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
Not for you, you know?"
[singsongy]
You are gonna be so mad
- Yo!
- [audience laughing]
Yo.
I thought having a baby was so hard.
But raising a toddler is so much harder.
[audience cheering]
The gumption, the opinions.
My daughter cannot stand
to see my hair pulled back.
[laughter]
I suppose because it's hideous? I--
[audience laughing]
I'll walk in the room wearing
a scrunchie and she goes,
[as mafioso]
"Take that down."
[audience laughing]
"Take that down.
I like it long."
[normal]
She's like my mafia boyfriend, you know?
[audience laughing]
She's like, [as mafioso]
"Put a dress on. I like you in a dress."
[audience laughing and cheering]
[normal] Also I'm like,
"My hair doesn't do long.
You like it wide?"
What?
[audience laughing]
There's no anxiety like being a parent.
When they're newborns,
it's, it's petrifying.
It feels like they're on the edge
of death at all times.
Like they were just not alive, you know?
But a couple years later,
as my love grows,
my anxiety grows.
- [audience member] Woo!
- This shit is getting so cute,
I-I feel like my heart's gonna explode.
We've been listening to Paul Simon,
and now my daughter makes requests.
She goes, [with lisp]
"Mama, Paul Thimon?"
Yeah.
"Mama, Paul Thimon?"
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
I say, "What do you say?"
She says, "[scoffs] Peas."
[audience laughing]
I wanna burst into flames, you know?
I wanna take a whiskey glass
and smash it on my forehead!
[audience laughing]
My husband and I look at each other,
we go, "Fuck!" We headbutt.
[audience laughing]
The only solution I can imagine
is if I were somehow able
to roll her up like a yoga mat
and insert her like a tampon
and put her back inside.
- You know?
- [audience laughing]
[Ilana chuckles]
Girl can dream.
[audience laughing]
But I've struggled with anxiety
even since before I was a parent.
I've struggled with anxiety
and depression for 37 years,
and I am only 36.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Even in utero, I knew, I knew.
I was like, "Ooh, looks rough out dere!"
[audience laughing]
My anxiety comes from
wanting things to be perfect.
And I wanted the first trip we ever
took as a family to be perfect,
but it was to Florida...
- [clicks tongue]
- [audience laughing]
so it was not perfect.
But it did turn out
to be perfectly Florida.
Allow me to explain.
So, during COVID, my parents sold
the house I grew up in on Long Island
and moved down to Florida full-time.
So, for the past couple years,
we've been renting an Airbnb
for a couple weeks and visiting them.
And it has been so lovely
to get out of New York's winters.
A New York City winter has
an extra layer of grotesque on it.
This year, the week we left for Florida,
I spotted an IUD on the sidewalk.
[audience laughing and cheering]
My first, you know?
How did that get there?
Like, what?
Some woman is done
with dating in New York?
She's like, "Nope, nope, nope! Bam!"
you know?
- [audience laughing]
- Takes a couple pushes,
she's like, "Double up, bam, bam!
There it is. Fuck this,
I'm deleting Hinge."
[audience laughing, cheering and clapping]
And last year, was the first time
I ever traveled with a baby.
My baby, obviously.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
I would never travel with a baby
because it is a nightmare.
Um,
shit is constantly just spilling over.
Like, somethin' falls, you pick it up,
somethin' falls, pick it up,
somethin' falls, pick it up.
Just crab walkin' through JFK, you know?
The baby itself is spilling over,
it can't hold its fuckin' head up.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
So, we land in Fort Lauderdale
and I call the Airbnb host
to make sure everything's perfect.
And he assured me
the house had been scrubbed,
and sanitized,
and sterilized that very morning.
And when we got there, he was right.
This home was sparkling.
You could do a line
from one end of the house to the other,
which is standard protocol
for a Florida home inspection.
So, we felt like locals.
[audience laughing]
It really was a slick home.
I noticed even the couch was slick.
It wasn't fabric, it was one
of those squeakers, you know?
[imitating couch squeaking]
And I noticed it was giving
more bench than couch.
It was shallow.
I was like, "Okay, [clicks tongue]
clocked. Alright."
[laughter]
So, I'm checking the place out
and I go to the main bedroom
where my husband and I would be sleeping,
and I noticed this little shelf
about six feet high
with an outlet next to it.
And I thought, "Hmm, that's cute.
"Maybe this Airbnb host puts, like,
an old-school alarm clock up there
"so his guests aren't hittin'
the snooze, you know,
"but rather gettin' up
with a little pep in their step
to go catch that Florida sunshine."
So, whenever I get to an Airbnb,
I have to minimize the decor.
Lemme give you a sense
of the price range I rent in.
There is always
a black and white framed poster
of Marilyn Monroe.
- [audience laughing and clapping]
- Right?
And there was an oversized chess set.
The pawn bigger than my palm.
I was like, "I'm not large enough,
nor smart enough for this game."
[laughter]
So, I tucked the chess set
under the bench couch
and went to take Marilyn off the wall,
and listen, God bless
Marilyn Monroe, I love her.
You know, I love that smize.
But, under the smize, the eyes are like,
"The FBI did it, Ilana," you know?
[audience laughing]
I don't wanna look at that for a month.
So, I took poor Marilyn off the wall
when I discovered...
slapped on the wall behind Marilyn,
was a giant bumper sticker
that said, "Brazzers."
[audience laughing]
[audience member squeals]
For those of you who don't
know what Brazzers is,
congratulations, you weren't
addicted to porn right before 9/11.
- [audience laughing]
- Good for you, huh?
You think you're better than us, huh?
[audience laughing]
Brazzers is the number one
best porn site in the world...
according to Brazzers.
- Um.
- [audience laughing]
So, I had rented a porn house.
I had rented a house cute enough,
but cheap enough
that you could film a porn or two in there
and make your money back quickly.
I had rented a porn house
with my perfect newborn baby!
[audience laughing]
Suddenly, I was the main character
in an M. Night Shyamalan movie
putting the pieces together, you know?
I was like, "That couch,
that bench-couch so... shallow."
[audience laughing]
You can't spread your ass cheeks
binge-watching The Great British Bake Off
on this couch.
[audience laughing]
This is a couch
for giving and getting head...
'cause you can only sit
in it for, like, 90 seconds
before opening your legs wide
or folding them behind your ears.
[audience laughing]
That chess set, that pawn...
[audience laughing]
girthy...
flared at the base.
[audience laughing, cheering and clapping]
"Maybe we keep that one out, though, um.
[audience laughing]
"Or we could bring it
to the bedroom where that shelf
"is not for an alarm clock,
- it's for a camera."
- [audience member] Woo!
With the outlet right there,
so the camera can stay plugged in
when the orgasm occurs.
His, obviously.
[audience laughing]
I was like, the shampoo was cum,
[frantically]
"It's been cum this whole time!"
- [audience laughing and applauding]
- [Ilana laughs]
[normal]
"Scrubbed, and sanitized, and sterilized."
"Yeah, I bet, bitch!
- Jesus!"
- [audience laughing]
Suddenly, I was scouring
Brazzers for the work.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
I had to, guys, I had to.
It looked like half these videos
had been filmed in this house.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana sighs]
I was like,
"Is that comforter this comforter?"
[audience laughing]
Eventually, I said to my husband,
"You're hot. Should we upload some videos
"and make some money back
on this fuckin' porn house?
You think Brazzers has, like,
a work-study program or...?"
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
You know, I don't have
a problem with porn.
I love porn.
I just don't wanna sleep
on a porn set, you know?
I'll eat a burger just not
in the slaughterhouse, you know?
[audience laughing]
I do love porn.
I love good porn.
I started paying for porn
when the pandemic hit
because it became so important
to support small businesses.
[audience laughing, cheering and clapping]
Jerk local, guys.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
These are cage-free porn stars.
[audience laughing]
Unless, of course, they choose the cage.
[audience laughing and clapping]
I subscribe to a woman-made porn site
because, at some point,
the sidebar ads on the free sites
started freakin' me out, man.
[audience laughing]
Couple years ago I started
getting these sidebar ads
for stepbrother and stepsister porn.
I was like, "I did not search for this."
[laughter]
Think I was being
targeted by Big Incest.
[audience laughing]
- Yes.
- [audience member squeals]
I can't relate. My parents are married,
my brother's gay.
He'd never go for it, you know, so.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
I just like porn
that feels real, you know?
I miss the days of pizza guy porn.
- [audience whooping]
- How cute is that?
That is, like, classic American
cinema at this point.
[audience laughing]
Cute guy shows up with a pizza.
- Sure, I'll blow him, yeah.
- [audience laughing]
Eat a pizza afterwards?
I think that's a date.
[audience laughing and clapping]
And it genuinely turns me on to see
workers enjoy real benefits.
[audience laughing and whooping]
The people delivering food today,
they have no time to be blown.
It's very sad.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
I ordered a pizza last week,
I got it frisbee'd
to my front door, for real.
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
It really does excite me
to see human beings paid fairly
for their labor, and time, and creativity.
- My God, my God.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
I'm so proud of my unions,
the Actors' Union and the Writers' Union
for striking last year,
- that was hard, and bold, and brave.
- [audience cheering]
But we needed to do it
because Hollywood is sick.
Nobody loves an incest storyline
more than Hollywood.
[audience laughing]
And I'm not talking about
some arthouse shit, you know?
I'm talking about the majors.
Star Wars...
a tale of intergalactic incest.
[audience laughing]
The gross thing about
Star Wars is the reveal
of incest at the end?
'Cause I'm watching this movie and I'm,
like, riding with these space cuties
hoping they get together and they're like,
"Hold up, hold up, wait... [stammers]
They're brother and sister.
Goodnight!"
[audience laughing and clapping]
I'm left to deal with my feelings alone?
Help.
[audience laughing]
Game of Thrones, that was unhinged.
[audience laughing]
They had titties and dragons,
you need incest too?
[audience laughing]
Knock it off.
But the one that surprises me to this day
is one of my favorite movies of all time.
And that is the iconic film, Clueless.
[audience cheering and applauding]
We remember Clueless
for its perfect dialogue,
its unforgettable fashion,
and feminist perspective.
It had a female director.
But the main storyline in Clueless
is about a stepbrother
and a stepsister gettin' together.
And when they do at the end, we all go,
"Yes!"
[audience laughing]
"Finally, these two can fuck."
Yikes, huh?
And they made it
impossible not to find hot.
It was a young, like, Paul Rudd
and Alicia Silverstone.
- [audience whistling and whooping]
- I was 10 years old, like,
"Mom, I love this movie!"
[audience laughing]
Ah! [giggles]
[audience laughing]
Uh!
[audience laughing]
[audience cheer-screaming and applauding]
I guess Big Incest got me good.
Okay?
Big Brother was watching me,
watch him, fuck his sister.
[audience laughing]
Can I ask you guys something?
I feel like we just have, like,
a true connection. I just wanna ask you,
do you guys ever have
this experience where
you are almost about to reach orgasm,
but then you think
of your parents dying and lose it?
[audience laughing and cheering]
Me neither. Nope.
[audience laughing]
Sorry. Me neither, nah.
[casually chuckling]
I don't care.
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] I don't care...
if they die.
[audience laughing]
It's a lot of pressure to be a mom, okay?
In opposite-sex parenting units,
it is so uneven for so long, it's crazy.
I was pregnant and I was like, "Okay,
well, I'm the only one who can do this
between the two of us.
So, alright, fine, fine, fine."
Then I squeezed a baby out
of one of my tiniest holes.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Cool, cool, cool.
Got it, got it, got it."
[laughter]
Then she's here
and I'm makin' food off of my body,
feeding her my milky...
titties all around town.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughing]
Finally, she can walk and talk.
She's like, "Mama, Mama, Mama."
I'm all she wants.
I'm like, "Hey, can ya help even?!"
Secretly hoping he won't 'cause
I'm the belle of the ball, you know?
[audience laughing]
My husband's been like my intern
for the past two years, you know?
It's like, "Can I get you anything,
a coffee, a water, anything to print?"
[audience laughing]
I'll tell you one thing daddies can do:
carry shit.
They're good at it, they love it,
let 'em do it.
[audience laughing]
You just load 'em up like
a mountain rescue dog.
And they're like...
[audience laughing and clapping]
You're like, "Good daddy.
"Good daddy, we love you. [smooches]
[sniffing]
Hmm, hmm, hmm."
[audience laughing and clapping]
But shit stays uneven
between moms and dads.
For a kid's whole life, when moms fuck up,
it's a big fuckin' deal.
When dads fuck up,
it's kinda hot.
[audience laughing]
'Cause what happens when dads fuck up?
You get daddy issues, oh.
[audience laughing]
Daddy issues, ooh.
What do you do to solve daddy issues?
You fuck a bunch of horny older men.
- [audience laughing]
- [audience members squealing]
What's the "issue"?
I don't know.
[audience laughing]
Sounds like a fun summer, you know?
[audience laughing and clapping]
And their branding is so on point.
[in Brooklyn accent]
"Daddy issues, oh, daddy issues, yes. Oh."
[audience laughing, whooping]
[normal]
Those are keywords in a porn search.
- [audience laughing]
- We don't even have a phrase for it.
[in gruff voice]
Issues with your mother.
[normal]
That's a diagnosis.
[audience laughing]
And the diagnosis is you're either merged
or separate from your mother.
That's all therapy boils down to.
My life falls into two categories.
I'm either calling my mom
[emotionally]
or not calling my mom.
[audience laughing]
And when you have
[gruff voice] issues with your mother,
[normal] you don't make love to a bunch
of beautiful older women.
[audience laughing and cheering]
If you're doing that, you're cured.
- Okay?
- [audience laughing]
No, when you have
[gruff voice] issues with your mother,
you develop an eating disorder.
[audience laughing]
[normal] If you're lucky,
you can pivot it into a drug habit.
[audience laughing]
Ten years of therapy, $90,000 later
and you're still desperate for approval.
Hence why I'm here with you tonight.
[clears throat]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Woo! My goodness.
I'm one of those people. I live
for a waiter to tell me, "Good choice."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Seriously? Stop, like...
I didn't even look at the menu
before I came, seriously."
[audience laughing]
"Would you say my order
means I'm special?"
[audience laughing]
But some cycle has completed
for me now that I'm a mom.
'Cause I've always been into mom shit.
My favorite thing to do my entire
adult life on a Friday night
is to get a little high
and wipe shit down.
[audience laughing and cheering]
You get me a hybrid Kush,
a lemon Verbena multi-purpose spray,
and a fresh roll of paper towels,
I'll see you in two and a half hours.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
Turn my phone off, light a candle,
that's Shabbat, babe.
[audience laughing and cheering]
I'm like, "Shabbat Shalom, hey."
[audience cheering and clapping]
And when I'm gettin' high with friends,
I'm not gettin' high and lettin' loose.
I'm gettin' high
and taking care of everybody.
Making sure you're snacked up.
Are you hydrated?
And what are we doing
with the temperature?
Are we making it warmer
or doing chilly with blankets, huh?
[audience laughing]
I didn't smoke for 10 months
when I was pregnant.
So, I guess you could say in a way, I did
pull out.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Mm.
Okay, there's a connection,
so I'm gonna be real with you.
It's more like...
I didn't smoke dat much.
- [audience laughing]
- You know what I mean?
Oh, [clears throat] that's all.
I didn't smoke dat much,
I didn't drink dat much,
- you know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]
I took little sips, I was like...
[kiss smacks]
But I didn't-- couldn't get,
like, donkey balls high.
- So...
- [audience laughing]
eventually, I just quit it. Yeah.
And realized what a low-level drug addict
I've been for decades. Wow.
[audience member whooping]
Drinking six, seven,
eight nights a week? Whoa.
[audience laughing]
Poppin' a Xanax and two Advil
to get a facial?
[audience laughing]
Are we sure?
[chuckles]
Girl, it Tuesday, you know?
- [audience laughing]
- [audience member whooping]
Now, when I get high,
so little gets me so high,
it is so scary.
[audience laughing]
This past weekend,
I was hanging out with my family
and I was like, "You know what?
[chuckles]
It's Mommy's turn
to get a little silly now."
[audience laughing]
And we had this 10-milligram
weed gummy bear,
and I nibbled off just the head.
I swear to you, the arms
were fully intact, like...
- you know, just like...
- [audience laughing]
shoulders remain, okay?
This should have been
two, three milligrams max.
I tell you, when that edible hit,
I got so high,
my toddler clocked it.
[audience laughing]
She gave my face elevator eyes,
looked it up and down,
and went... [laughs]
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Yo, delete, delete, delete.
Whoa, sorry."
Uh, 'cause one of us has to be
the designated driver here, you know?
'Cause toddlers are naturally
tripping their balls off 24/7.
That's just science.
They're all like, "Guank. [laughs]"
[audience laughing]
"Coop."
[audience laughing]
My daughter said to me the other day,
"Mama, show you green."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Yeah, show me green, girl.
Where is it, baby?
Woo, woo, woo, woo!"
She does "good moves," my daughter.
She goes, "Mama, good move?"
[audience laughing]
"Mama, good move?"
I'm like, "Yeah, girl, love that
move, baby, never stop moving!"
[audience laughing]
I was putting sunscreen on her little face
and the only spot I had left
was her forehead
and her little curls were covering it,
but my hands were filled with sunscreen.
So, I said, "Baby, can you lift your hair
off of your forehead?"
And she was like...
[audience laughing]
I said, "Lift your hair, baby.
Lift it up off of your forehead."
And she went...
[audience laughing and applauding]
I was like, "Shit, this girl's rolling."
[audience laughing]
"Sit her down, get her
a glass of water, damn.
She's going hard, going hard."
[audience laughing and clapping]
[Ilana chuckles]
But I think being a stoner
for all these years
- has made me a better parent.
- [audience member] Yes!
'Cause it gets me right
the fuck on baby level.
- [audience whooping]
- My daughter's two and a half,
for an entire year of her life,
she was speaking only in,
"Da, da-da."
She always--
Before she had language,
she always had ideas
to convey, convictions.
You know, "Da. Da. Daaa!"
Imagine that nightmare screaming
your thoughts and feelings.
Nobody has a fuckin' clue
what the fuck you're talking about.
- [audience laughing]
- Your own mother's like, "Da? Ha, ha."
[audience laughing]
But then I would remember,
I can take a tiny little hit,
blow it out the hood fans
above the stove...
- [audience laughing and clapping]
- and I'd be like, "[sharp inhale]
"Daaaa.
- Daaaa!"
- [audience cheering and applauding]
[scat singing]
Well, you know what she would do?
She'd go... [gasps, giggles].
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Yeah, girl, I know
what you're talking about. Da!
- Da, duh."
- [audience laughing]
Get high, speak baby.
[audience laughing]
I don't have to fake
an ounce of enthusiasm
while watching Sesame Street.
I'm like... [laughing]
"Oh, Big Bird, you a queen,
get outta here, huh?"
[audience laughing]
The theme song comes on,
my daughter's literally like,
[with lisp] "Skip, skip."
[normal] I'm like, "Mm-mm, mm, mm."
[singing]
Sunny days
Sweepin' the cadong cadong,
clouds awow
I love it, it's my favorite show.
Love it.
[audience applauding and cheering]
Fuck the Sopranos.
I'm sorry.
I cannot watch Tony make another kill.
But I must see Cookie Monster
deal with addiction.
- Um...
- [audience laughing]
it's in plain sight.
It is fucked up.
And it's a good practice
when you have a little one
to move about your day slowly
and narrate the action.
Give them some sense of control.
And I love this practice.
It keeps me so present.
I'll be like, "Okay, baby,
we just clean that stinky tushy
"with a wipe and a diap,
and a wipe and diap.
"And now I'm gonna pick you up,
and wait a second,
how'd you get so tall
when you're still so small?"
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
"And now I'm gonna put you down
in the living room area.
"And it's just an area.
'Cause we live in New York City.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
If you want distinct space,
you need generational wealth."
[audience laughing and clapping]
I've been talking like this
to myself for years.
[audience laughing]
Get a little high, go outside. I'm like,
"Whoa, here we are again."
[singing]
Once again, a little too high
A little too high
And we did it, we did it.
And we've been through it before.
We can get through this,
but public spaces are
different than private spaces.
- I'll tell you that. Tell you that.
- [audience whooping and laughing]
Different vibe, wow.
Um, you know, we were out on the street.
Uh, well, the sidewalk, oh, my gosh.
Walk. Uh, walk, do walk, do walk.
We can walk.
We know how to walk.
You can walk. You, we, what? I.
I, I can walk. I can walk.
I know how to-- [clears throat]
Oh, my God, look at that guy and his dog,
they look like brothers. What?
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
Now, did he choose the dog
because he looked like him?
Or did that happen over time? Ah.
[audience laughing and clapping]
Okay, now we're going down to the subway.
- Scary. Um.
- [audience laughing]
Oh, here it comes.
[singing] Ding-dong,
Christmas time is here
[audience laughing]
It's so cute in New York
how everybody's like my neighbor.
Aw, that's my neighbor.
That's my neighbor. That's my neighbor.
That guy is jerking off.
Oh, my gosh. Um...
[audience laughing]
That's my neighbor who jerks off.
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
Stoned and alone,
I'm bordering on psychosis.
With my child, excellent parenting.
- Okay?
- [audience laughing and clapping]
And being a stoner for all these years
has made me really good
at managing panic attacks.
[audience member]
Woo!
Because of the thousands
of times I've gotten high,
I have never once gotten high
and immediately chilled.
[audience laughing]
I have exclusively gotten high,
had a panic attack,
and then earned my chill.
[audience laughing]
Yes.
[audience cheering,
whistling, and applauding]
That's what makes you a loyal stoner.
That's what makes you
of the faith, you know?
You have the faith to do
it again, and do it again,
and do it again.
You're having a panic attack once a day
with a little one, at least.
The most mundane actions
could mean permanent damage,
walking and they could
gouge a fuckin' eye out.
[audience laughing]
Eating is a whole production.
The line between chewing and choking
is razor-thin!
[audience laughing]
Back when the kid was a baby,
um, that first time, actually,
that we were in Florida,
she was eating little
chunks of watermelon.
She didn't have all her teeth yet.
So, she's mashin', mashin',
mashin' 'em up in her gums.
And I'm watching her eat
the way I watch her eat
to this day, like this.
- [clears throat nervously]
- [audience laughing]
[nervous chuckle]
'Kay.
[clears throat]
Hoo. Um.
- [pops lips nervously]
- [audience laughing]
When it happened, she started gagging.
And I had to wait until
it turned into choking
to freak the fuck out.
So, she's like...
[softly coughing]
And on the inside I'm like,
"Fuck, fuck! Jesus, fuck.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I didn't watch the videos.
"I didn't take the fuckin' classes.
Jesus fuck,
"and if she dies,
I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
If you die, I die, that is the pact
I made with God the day you were born!"
[audience laughing and clapping]
But on the outside, I was like,
[calmly] "Hmm."
[audience laughing]
"Hmm.
A mama, ma. [giggles]"
She keeps going, she's like...
[softly coughing]
On the inside, I was like...
[imitates ambulance siren wailing]
On the outside, I was like, "Hmm, nah,
yah, yah, yah, yah. [giggles]"
When finally, thank Black Jewish Jesus...
[audience laughing,
cheering, and applauding]
she went... [forceful coughing]
and I looked at the watermelon,
and I looked at her,
and I was like, "Well, girl,
now we get to chill
- for the rest of the day, dawg."
- [audience laughing]
Toronto, thank you so damn much.
- [audience enthusiastically cheering]
- Oh, my goodness, thank you.
Oh, my God, it's my honor and privilege.
Thank you so much.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I literally love you, goodnight.
[audience enthusiastically cheering
and applauding]
["Bussifame" by Dawn Richard playing]
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
[vocalizing]
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
[song fades out]
- [electricity zapping]
- [flies buzzing]
Ooh!
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcome to
Ilana Glazer!
Ooh!
[audience enthusiastically cheering
and applauding]
Ooh!
Hello, hello!
[excitedly screams]
- [audience continues cheering]
- [Ilana whooping]
Oh, my God!
You're so sweet.
[screams]
Thank you so much!
I see you!
Yes, I see you!
[laughs]
What is up, Toronto?!
[squeals]
Oh, my gosh.
I am so excited to be here tonight.
- [audience cheering]
- I, um...
I wish I was wearing
nipple covers, actually.
[clears throat]
Oh, my gosh.
So, I became a parent about two years ago.
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.
And I have been most shocked by the joy.
[audience laughing]
Seriously, 'cause they tell you, you know,
"It's the hardest job of your life."
[laughter]
And it is, it's, um...
[sings]
So hard
Yeah.
Uh, they say you won't sleep for 18 years.
[audience member]
Ha!
And due to lack of sleep--
[all laughing]
Ha, ha. There's my laugher, I got him.
[audience laughing]
And due to lack of sleep,
I am experiencing cognitive decline.
- [audience laughing]
- [audience member] Woo!
But it's just been so joyous.
I'm, I'm shocked.
I've been having a magical
experience as a parent
and that magic for me began at conception.
[audience laughing and cheering]
So, I had not done that
like that...
[laughter]
until I was trying to get pregnant.
I had not done it raw dog, whole hog.
[audience laughing]
I'm talkin' bar into cog.
[laughter]
Um... yum.
- [giggles]
- [audience cheering and laughing]
It feels really good, you know?
Uh, I like it.
Yeah, I like it a lot.
Uh... the reason I had never done it
to completion with secretion...
- [audience laughing]
- [grunts]
is because I never went on birth control.
The time to go on birth control
is in high school.
Because you cannot trust
children with these matters.
[laughter]
It is safer to medicate our daughters 24/7
than it is to trust a high school boy
to roll a condom on correctly.
- [cheering and applause]
- Yeah.
I would trust a dog
with his goofy paws,
like, "Ooh, oooooh,"
over that bizarre, tiered penis...
[audience laughing]
before I'd think
Tyler Wizzawati could get it right.
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
So, I did not need birth control
because my poorly straightened hair
and commitment to jazz band
was doing all the work for me.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
- [audience member] Woo!
- I was like...
[imitates jazz drumming]
Who needs sexual experience
when you got Miles Davis, baby?!
[audience cheering]
Yeah, short answer: me.
[audience laughing]
And with the hair,
I kind of looked like Miles
toward the end, um.
[laughter]
Then I used condoms for many years.
LOL, "used condoms."
- [audience laughing]
- [sighs]
Every time I've opened a condom
in my life, I've wondered,
"Has this been used?"
- [audience laughing]
- Um...
condoms are gross, fresh.
[laughter]
Is that factory standard, you know?
Some guy's at the end
of the assembly line,
like, "Come on, here we go."
Pow!
"Pack it up."
"Gimme, gimme, gimme, ah!"
"Ship it off!"
[audience laughing]
My partner and I have been
using the pull-out method
for a long time.
I mean, he's really the one using it.
I have just been watching in awe.
- [audience member whooping]
- Wow, wow.
The pull-out method requires
high-stakes decision-making
with precision timing.
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
A guy who can pull out can negotiate
a hostage situation, you know?
I couldn't have that
responsibility, you know?
What would it look like if it were on me?
Like...
Huh!
- [audience laughing]
- Mm, mm.
I don't have the core strength.
- No.
- [audience laughing]
Pulling out is sex that
becomes yoga, you know?
[laughter]
Fucking that pivots to planking.
[audience laughing]
The pull-out method is
like a really special meal
you've planned for,
with multiple courses.
And when the final course arrives,
that's what everybody's
been really waiting for:
dessert.
And the server places before you,
the perfect slice
of flourless chocolate cake
while maintaining eye contact.
[laughter]
And you break off a forkful
and before it reaches your lips,
she smacks it outta your hand...
[audience laughing]
and the backhand
slaps you across the face!
And then she grabs that bite,
wraps it up in a tissue
and flushes it.
That's the pull-out method.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
- [Ilana laughs]
Thing about high school.
You remember blue balls?
That scam.
[audience laughing]
You remember that fuckin' sham?!
[audience whooping]
Blue balls was the election fraud
of our high school years.
[laughter]
Total fuckin' lie.
And back when I was in high school,
we had a new kind of boy on the block.
[in nasal voice]
Emo boys.
[audience cheering and laughing]
[normal] We were all familiar
with the jock-type, football players.
But these boys were
different, these emo boys.
- They, they looked like us.
- [audience member squeals]
- You know?
- [audience laughing]
They too, wore jeggings.
[audience laughing, squealing]
And they also sported a smoky eye.
And they had
There's Something About Mary hair,
but pasted to the forehead.
- [audience laughing]
- [giggles]
So, because these boys were different,
we thought they would treat us
differently than boys of the past.
But no, they were also like,
[with lisp] "Come on,
you gotta suck my dick
or else I'll get blue balls."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
I fell for it. I-I thought it was
a medical condition.
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
I was like, "Quick, quick, put it in!
Oh, my God."
[audience laughing]
Thought I had saved a life, you know?
[laughter]
And such a jizzy time for fashion.
Ugh.
[softly chuckles]
I think about the Olsen twins a lot.
- Um, anybody?
- [audience cheering and laughing]
They've been there the whole time.
- [laughter]
- You know?
I think they're feminist heroes.
[audience cheering]
The Olsen twins were cast in Full House
at six months old,
as hot babies?
- What?
- [audience laughing]
[chuckles]
And they made it out okay.
More than okay.
The Olsen twins have
this luxury fashion line
called The Row.
You know it?
- [audience members whooping]
- So gorgeous, these clothes,
they look like they should
only be worn by ghosts.
[audience laughing]
'Cause you're sorta just floating inches
above the ground in these clothes.
Their taste is impeccable.
They beat the odds.
The Olsen twins aren't supposed
to have a clothing line called The Row.
They're supposed to have a tequila line
called Double Trouble, you know?
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
But I think the most punk shit
the Olsen twins ever did
was when Mary-Kate married that
60-year-old French monster.
[audience cheering and clapping]
'Cause I think she was trolling us.
[laughter]
She could've had someone
who was on Laguna Beach,
instead she chose someone who
was on the beaches of Normandy.
[audience laughing]
Remember those pictures of them
making out at French basketball games?
Or I don't know what they do over there.
Croissant competitions, whatever.
He was like,
[in French accent] "Hon, hon, hon!"
You know?
Mary-Kate was like,
"Is this what you wanted?"
[flicking tongue, grunting]
[audience cheering and laughing]
I was like, "Mary-Kate, cut it out, dog."
[laughter]
"Girl, have mercy, please."
[sighs]
And she did have mercy.
They got a divorce. Um...
anybody divorced in here?
- [audience members cheering]
- Woo! Yes! Good for you.
Clap it up for the divorces here tonight.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Yes.
You don't like it?
Get outta here, you know?
I'm proud of you.
Excellent.
I'm, uh, married.
[chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
- [laughs] Woo!
Just a, a divorce enthusiast, you know?
[laughter]
'Cause marriage is hard.
You know, I feel so lucky
to be married to my husband.
But it's hard at baseline
to be a woman married to a man.
'Cause I, I see him sometimes as
[in angry tone]
"some man!"
[audience laughing]
[normal] Instead of the person
I chose to build my life with,
you know?
I see the whole world this way.
I look at tall buildings,
I see boners in the sky.
[laughter]
New York City is the world's
biggest dick-measuring contest,
you know?
The buildings are like,
"Look at me, I'm so tall."
Next one's like,
"Look at me, I'm angled, ooh."
City Hall's like, [in gruff voice]
"Hey, it's not all about the height,
fellas, come on!"
[laughter]
It stops me from being fully present,
seeing the world this way.
Like, I am so thrilled
to be here with you tonight.
I'm feeling honored and privileged
- to serve you my comedy.
- [audience cheering]
I'm feeling locked in.
And yet, there is a voice
in the back of my mind saying,
"How is it Ilana, that you're
allowed to take up this space
"for an hour?
The queer, Jewy woman
that you are, you know?"
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'll tell you how.
Ahhh.
[audience laughing]
Ahhh.
[audience cheering]
I have a dick in my face the entire time.
If the only way I can be
heard is through a dick,
you should have to listen to me
through little pussy speakers I think.
[laughter and whooping]
Why's a mic gotta be shaped like this?
Also, "mic"?
[audience laughing]
We get it, mic.
Okay, get over yourself.
Why couldn't the microphone
be two titties, you know,
left and right in stereo or something?
[audience laughing]
Some sound engineer in the room was like,
[with lisp] "I'm sorry, sweetheart,
it has to be penis-shaped."
[audience laughing]
[normal] I don't think so. I think if you
were a little more innovative,
we could have titty mics and I could be
motorboating this whole show.
[audience laughing]
But it sounds like I, like,
don't, like, love guys.
Like, I hate guys or something.
But I literally love guys.
Like, I'll suck a dick,
you know what I mean? Like...
[audience laughing and cheering]
I'll suck a dick! You know? Like...
And it's not just, like, a transaction.
I'm like, [grunts].
You know, like... up in dere.
You know?
[audience laughing]
So, I do love guys.
The, the problem I tend
to have is with men.
[audience cheering, whistling]
There's a difference.
You can feel the difference.
Guys help you move.
Men stand in your way at gettin' a job.
[audience laughing]
Guys let you merge.
Men go...
[audience laughing]
[audience member cheering]
Guys wear grey sweatpants
to get groceries.
[audience cheering and clapping]
Men wear jeans to the gym.
[audience laughing]
And if you're, "one of the guys,"
you're actually a woman.
[audience laughing and cheering]
If you're one of the men,
you're in a police report.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
So, I love guys.
Got myself a good guy.
My husband is... really hot.
- [audience cheering and clapping]
- Yeah.
And that is the most
important thing to me.
[audience laughing and cheering]
My husband's brilliant.
He has a PhD.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
He has a PhD, I have an LOL.
[audience laughing]
It's good for the clowning,
though, you know?
[audience laughing and applauding]
And my husband's the emotional
leader in our relationship.
I do this thing where
I'll build up resentment over time
and act like a bitch.
[laughter]
And then, suddenly burst into tears,
take a beat... and repeat.
[audience laughing and cheering]
When my husband's sad, he goes,
"[sighs deeply] I'm sad."
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, "[sighs] I'm wet."
[audience laughing]
Sayin' your feelings as they occur.
Come on!
[smooches]
Ugh, love it.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana chuckles]
So, I got myself a good guy,
but because he has
moved through this world
for 43 years as a man,
- without me,
- [audience member whooping]
he cannot buy a shirt.
[audience laughing]
He gets
[as Southern belle]
confused and overwhelmed.
[laughter]
[normal] I have to line up tabs
on an iPad, a dedicated device,
and really sell it to him, you know?
I'm like, "This one's Uniqlo.
Okay, we got the Gap."
My husband's like, "Hold on, hold on,
hold, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
"[sighs] Jesus Christ.
Can I just see some
solid colors, please?!"
[laughter]
I'm like, "You know what?
Let's just put it in the cart
and Mommy will return it
if you don't like it, okay?"
My husband's like,
"Yeah, but, like...
[distraught]
what size am I?!"
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Medium!"
[laughter]
My husband can explain
quantum mechanics over a joint.
Cannot press checkout
on the Everlane website.
[audience laughing]
But he got me pregnant,
so suddenly I was buying shirts for three.
[audience laughing]
So, when I was pregnant,
I was shooting a TV show
for six months in LA
and I was sick the entire
time I was shooting.
I couldn't believe it.
It kept going and going.
Every morning, I would
get to set, go to my trailer,
and then bolt to the bathroom
to puke foam.
- [audience member] Woo!
- Foam,
like facial foaming cleanser foam.
[audience laughing]
I was like,
"Am I gonna be put down?"
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
"Might I bite the leg of a crew member?"
No.
[audience laughing]
I was genuinely scared,
I had never heard of this before.
So, I called my mom and she goes,
"Well, that is very funny. [chuckles]
"When I was pregnant with you,
every day at 4:30,
"I would puke foam.
[mimics mom]
I totally forgot."
[audience laughing]
[normal]
Bitch, you forgot?
[audience laughing]
This is women's Fight Club.
[laughter]
Men, like, write stories
about wrestling in basements
and they have to pinky swear
never to tell anybody they kissed.
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
While women puke silently
in public restrooms,
and, [mimics mom]
"Oh, black it out."
[audience laughing]
[normal]
Now, while most pregnant actors
have to hide their little bumps
on set and on screen,
my belly was not an issue.
I stayed pretty small 'til the very end.
But I had two other major
issues to deal with.
And that was my chest bellies.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
These were not titties, they were tatas.
[audience laughing and whooping]
Whatever "bazoongas" are,
I had them on my chest.
[laughter]
I looked like 14-year-old boys
designed me in a lab.
[audience laughing]
The show I was, uh, filming
took place on one night.
So, we shot very much in continuity.
It looks like I'm having
an allergic reaction
- over the course of the night.
- [audience laughing]
They were hitting my chin, guys.
I couldn't get underwater for months.
Seriously.
If I took a bath, I'd have
to use a cup to wash my hair.
[audience laughing and cheering]
This was not the first time
my titties had sprung on me
in my life.
- I got big titties young.
- [audience member] Woo!
I was about nine years old
when they first appeared.
They were just leading
me around the world.
[laughter]
Like, just like, I was like,
"Go left, go left!
What?"
[audience laughing]
And it was surprising 'cause
I, I think they skipped a generation.
'Cause my mom has these, just these
cute, little-- just a, [kiss smacks]
just a [kiss smacks] kiss-a-titty.
[audience laughing]
I was bigger than my mom in fifth grade.
[laughter]
10 years old, I just had
these big ol' swingin'...
just fuckin' Jewish, you know?
[audience laughing, whooping]
Shtetl titties.
[audience cheering and laughing]
I looked like I could feed
the community, you know?
[audience laughing]
That was when I started
being treated like a woman
out in the world.
I was getting babysitting jobs.
That was pretty lit.
[audience laughing]
I was just babysitting other
fifth graders, you know?
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
I was like, "Should we
have candy for lunch?
Yeah, dope, dope."
[laughter]
That was also when
I started getting that hand
on my lower back,
gently guiding me through doorways.
[audience groaning]
That ended this year.
[laughter]
- [clicks tongue]
- [audience member] Woo!
I miss it.
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
I mean, first of all,
it was helpful, you know,
just to make, like, sense of those lines.
Like... "Okay, thank you, thank you."
[audience laughing]
[audience member whoops, claps]
And also, you know,
I like to be touched...
at times.
So now, before I go through any doorway,
I'll take a beat real quick and be like...
[audience laughing]
[people clapping]
[audience cheering]
"'Kay, I guess nobody wants to skim
the top of my ass crack today.
Alright."
[laughter]
It can be so mortifying
to be a woman in this world.
Toward the end of my pregnancy, I was, uh,
at my doctor's office
getting a sonogram of my,
um, belly.
LOL, imagine if I was like,
"Of my butt," like, what?
- [audience laughing]
- Of my belly.
And she said, "Ilana,
it appears your baby is breech."
And I was like,
"Totally breech, right? Like..."
[audience laughing]
"What is breech again?"
- [nervous giggle]
- [audience laughing]
[in nerdy voice]
"Quick refresher on breech, please."
[normal]
So, when a baby's about to be born,
you want them forehead to pussy, okay?
Just knock, knock, knockin'
on that pussy door.
Like, [clicks tongue] "Hello, Mama."
[smooches]
"Hi."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
"Here's Johnny."
[chuckles]
Just kidding.
"Here's your baby ready to be born."
Okay?
My baby was breech.
- She was tushy to pussy.
- [audience laughing]
Sitting like a baby Buddha
on my pelvic floor.
Ready to jump feet first,
like a Super Mario Brother down a tube.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
So, my doctor said,
"Because we're in your 37th week,
we should probably schedule a C-section."
So, I was upset at first
'cause I had not emotionally prepared
for the possibility of a C-section.
And don't get me wrong,
C-sections are fuckin' fire.
Okay?
They are tight, alright?
- [audience laughing]
- [audience member] Woo!
I mean, they're like major surgery
that takes months to heal from.
But, um,
they're fire 'cause
they get a baby out healthy
and they're tight because...
well, you know.
- [audience cheering]
- Um...
but I was just taken aback.
So, I asked her,
"Are there any other options?"
And she said,
"There is one, actually.
So, you would come on down
to the operating room."
I was like, "Oh, okay."
She was like, "And we would
fully anesthetize you."
And I was like, "Alright."
And she was like, "And me..."
and her words,
"...some other woman."
[audience laughing]
[clears throat]
Uh...
is she in the hospital system?
[audience laughing]
"Some other woman."
Could be the cashier
at the bodega down the block,
it might be Reese Witherspoon.
We don't know.
We can't know.
Some, any.
"Me and some other woman
would push and pull the baby
"from the outside,
twist and turn this baby,
"spin it into place,
and then, we would really hope it sticks."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "You know what sounds
pretty chill right about now?
"A fuckin' C-section.
"Okay.
"So, you can slide that into
my Google Cal, thank you.
Buh-bye."
What?
[laughter]
So, I go home
and I'm not fully settled with this plan.
So, I do a little research of my own.
I googled "spinning babies"?
- [chuckles]
- [audience cheering and laughing]
Half hoping to find, like,
a baby DJ collective, you know?
They're like, "B-B-B-Breech!
We the best fetus."
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
[audience cheering]
But what I found was
equally as surprising,
which was a method
called "spinning babies."
And the method suggests
that the pregnant person
takes out their ironing board...
[audience member]
What?!
...and removes their husband's
dress shirts off of it.
- [nervous chuckle]
- [audience laughing]
And you promise you'll
get back to the ironing
when the spinning is done.
[audience laughing]
"These shirts will be hard-pressed
for the morning, sir."
[audience laughing and clapping]
And you lean the ironing board
off of the couch
onto the floor,
straddle the ironing board,
and roll backwards, hang upside down,
and pray lava lamp technology occurs?
[audience laughing]
What?
We as a human race have
invented luxury airplanes
with glass floors so that Musk
or Zuck can look down on us
while they take dumps in the sky.
- [audience laughing]
- [sighs]
And we have not figured out
a better way to spin babies
in women's bodies.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
So, I was like, "Okay, got it.
"Um, I'm not gonna do this.
"Ha-ha. Um.
"Uh, well, you know, I'm not gonna
do the ironing board part,
"but I, I get it.
Get my body inverted."
So, I got into the position
that got me into this position
in the first place.
And that's face down, ass up.
[audience cheering and clapping]
Face down, ass up, that's the way
I turned my baby right side up.
[audience laughing]
And sometimes, uh,
the way I like to fuck.
Okay, so I got face down, ass up,
and I watched the first half of Aladdin.
[audience laughing]
So, the next morning, I finish Aladdin
and when I get off the couch,
I find a puddle
- where I had been sitting.
- [audience member] Oh, yeah!
Now, Aladdin's hot, obviously.
[audience laughing]
Like, so weirdly hot,
you know what I mean?
He's like so nimble, you know?
And no shirts for Aladdin, vests only.
[audience laughing]
Each step he's flashing
nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple, you know?
And I know he's not Jewish,
but he's, like, wearing a kippah.
I'm like, "What's up, Aladdin?
What's going on, dude?"
You know?
[clears throat]
But this amount of liquid was alarming.
So, I call my doctor
and I tell her about the puddle
and Aladdin's hot, obviously.
[laughter]
And she said, "No, Ilana,
I don't think this is Aladdin."
[audience laughing]
"I think you're in labor.
[as game show host] I want you
to come on down to the hospital!"
- [audience cheering]
- I was like, "Woo!
Bitch, I'm nervous."
[audience laughing]
So, I go to the hospital
and I'm greeted by two residents,
a guy resident, and a gal resident.
And first thing I notice, they're young.
This is happening to me increasingly.
People younger than me
with jobs way more legitimate than me.
[laughter]
I was like,
"Um, what grade are you guys in?"
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
Hmm.
And they did have a young feel
because the guy resident
said to me, "Listen,
I have to address
the elephant in the room."
And I was like...
[audience laughing]
He said, "I have to tell you,
I'm your biggest fan!"
[audience cheering and applauding]
And then I said,
"And now,
you're gonna see my pussy."
[audience laughing]
Hmm.
And he said, "Yeah."
[laughter]
And I said, "Okay."
And he did.
[laughter]
Whole thing.
Tip to tail, guys.
Belly button to behind button.
[laughter]
The only two people who've
seen my entire undercarriage
in the past five years
are the love of my life
and my biggest fan.
[audience laughing,
whooping and applauding]
Mortifying.
But I got a plot twist for ya.
After I got finger-blasted
by my biggest fan...
[audience cheering]
it turned out I wasn't even
in laborrrrr.
False alarm!
[chuckling]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
He, he, he, he, he, hoo, hoo, hoo.
Jokes on me, Ilana the clown...
[audience laughing]
gettin' fingered by her fans.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [audience laughing and applauding]
[Ilana clears throat]
Got a little bonus Jonas.
After the, uh, diddling,
- um...
- [audience laughing]
they performed a sonogram
and the baby had spun
into the correct position.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah, crazy.
Thirty minutes of solo doggy style worked.
[laughter]
And the medical alternative
was for my doctor
and some broad to drug me and beat me up.
[audience laughing]
Thank God for Google.
- Yeah.
- [audience members whooping]
So, a couple weeks later I had this baby.
- And when-- Thank you.
- [audience cheering]
And when she was laid on my chest,
I said to her those three magic words:
Holy fucking shit!
[laughter and applause]
Holy fucking shit, magic!
Human magic!
I was like, "You are magic.
I am magic. We are magic."
I said to my husband,
"You witnessed magic. You are so lucky.
It was us, girl!"
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [laughs]
Oh, my goodness.
It was, um,
- a miraculous time.
- [audience member whooping]
It was also a little sad.
I don't know if you guys
have ever met a baby,
but they are pathetic.
[audience laughing]
They're all like, [weakly] "Huh."
You know, just like,
little jelly neck, you know?
Totally helpless.
And they look at you like,
"Why am I here?!"
[audience laughing]
"I don't know, I thought you'd be cute."
[laughter]
"Also, like, welcome to hell.
- "Sorry.
- [audience laughing and clapping]
"Seriously, sorry.
[clears throat] Um...
"this was for me.
[nervous chuckle]
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
Not for you, you know?"
[singsongy]
You are gonna be so mad
- Yo!
- [audience laughing]
Yo.
I thought having a baby was so hard.
But raising a toddler is so much harder.
[audience cheering]
The gumption, the opinions.
My daughter cannot stand
to see my hair pulled back.
[laughter]
I suppose because it's hideous? I--
[audience laughing]
I'll walk in the room wearing
a scrunchie and she goes,
[as mafioso]
"Take that down."
[audience laughing]
"Take that down.
I like it long."
[normal]
She's like my mafia boyfriend, you know?
[audience laughing]
She's like, [as mafioso]
"Put a dress on. I like you in a dress."
[audience laughing and cheering]
[normal] Also I'm like,
"My hair doesn't do long.
You like it wide?"
What?
[audience laughing]
There's no anxiety like being a parent.
When they're newborns,
it's, it's petrifying.
It feels like they're on the edge
of death at all times.
Like they were just not alive, you know?
But a couple years later,
as my love grows,
my anxiety grows.
- [audience member] Woo!
- This shit is getting so cute,
I-I feel like my heart's gonna explode.
We've been listening to Paul Simon,
and now my daughter makes requests.
She goes, [with lisp]
"Mama, Paul Thimon?"
Yeah.
"Mama, Paul Thimon?"
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
I say, "What do you say?"
She says, "[scoffs] Peas."
[audience laughing]
I wanna burst into flames, you know?
I wanna take a whiskey glass
and smash it on my forehead!
[audience laughing]
My husband and I look at each other,
we go, "Fuck!" We headbutt.
[audience laughing]
The only solution I can imagine
is if I were somehow able
to roll her up like a yoga mat
and insert her like a tampon
and put her back inside.
- You know?
- [audience laughing]
[Ilana chuckles]
Girl can dream.
[audience laughing]
But I've struggled with anxiety
even since before I was a parent.
I've struggled with anxiety
and depression for 37 years,
and I am only 36.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Even in utero, I knew, I knew.
I was like, "Ooh, looks rough out dere!"
[audience laughing]
My anxiety comes from
wanting things to be perfect.
And I wanted the first trip we ever
took as a family to be perfect,
but it was to Florida...
- [clicks tongue]
- [audience laughing]
so it was not perfect.
But it did turn out
to be perfectly Florida.
Allow me to explain.
So, during COVID, my parents sold
the house I grew up in on Long Island
and moved down to Florida full-time.
So, for the past couple years,
we've been renting an Airbnb
for a couple weeks and visiting them.
And it has been so lovely
to get out of New York's winters.
A New York City winter has
an extra layer of grotesque on it.
This year, the week we left for Florida,
I spotted an IUD on the sidewalk.
[audience laughing and cheering]
My first, you know?
How did that get there?
Like, what?
Some woman is done
with dating in New York?
She's like, "Nope, nope, nope! Bam!"
you know?
- [audience laughing]
- Takes a couple pushes,
she's like, "Double up, bam, bam!
There it is. Fuck this,
I'm deleting Hinge."
[audience laughing, cheering and clapping]
And last year, was the first time
I ever traveled with a baby.
My baby, obviously.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
I would never travel with a baby
because it is a nightmare.
Um,
shit is constantly just spilling over.
Like, somethin' falls, you pick it up,
somethin' falls, pick it up,
somethin' falls, pick it up.
Just crab walkin' through JFK, you know?
The baby itself is spilling over,
it can't hold its fuckin' head up.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
So, we land in Fort Lauderdale
and I call the Airbnb host
to make sure everything's perfect.
And he assured me
the house had been scrubbed,
and sanitized,
and sterilized that very morning.
And when we got there, he was right.
This home was sparkling.
You could do a line
from one end of the house to the other,
which is standard protocol
for a Florida home inspection.
So, we felt like locals.
[audience laughing]
It really was a slick home.
I noticed even the couch was slick.
It wasn't fabric, it was one
of those squeakers, you know?
[imitating couch squeaking]
And I noticed it was giving
more bench than couch.
It was shallow.
I was like, "Okay, [clicks tongue]
clocked. Alright."
[laughter]
So, I'm checking the place out
and I go to the main bedroom
where my husband and I would be sleeping,
and I noticed this little shelf
about six feet high
with an outlet next to it.
And I thought, "Hmm, that's cute.
"Maybe this Airbnb host puts, like,
an old-school alarm clock up there
"so his guests aren't hittin'
the snooze, you know,
"but rather gettin' up
with a little pep in their step
to go catch that Florida sunshine."
So, whenever I get to an Airbnb,
I have to minimize the decor.
Lemme give you a sense
of the price range I rent in.
There is always
a black and white framed poster
of Marilyn Monroe.
- [audience laughing and clapping]
- Right?
And there was an oversized chess set.
The pawn bigger than my palm.
I was like, "I'm not large enough,
nor smart enough for this game."
[laughter]
So, I tucked the chess set
under the bench couch
and went to take Marilyn off the wall,
and listen, God bless
Marilyn Monroe, I love her.
You know, I love that smize.
But, under the smize, the eyes are like,
"The FBI did it, Ilana," you know?
[audience laughing]
I don't wanna look at that for a month.
So, I took poor Marilyn off the wall
when I discovered...
slapped on the wall behind Marilyn,
was a giant bumper sticker
that said, "Brazzers."
[audience laughing]
[audience member squeals]
For those of you who don't
know what Brazzers is,
congratulations, you weren't
addicted to porn right before 9/11.
- [audience laughing]
- Good for you, huh?
You think you're better than us, huh?
[audience laughing]
Brazzers is the number one
best porn site in the world...
according to Brazzers.
- Um.
- [audience laughing]
So, I had rented a porn house.
I had rented a house cute enough,
but cheap enough
that you could film a porn or two in there
and make your money back quickly.
I had rented a porn house
with my perfect newborn baby!
[audience laughing]
Suddenly, I was the main character
in an M. Night Shyamalan movie
putting the pieces together, you know?
I was like, "That couch,
that bench-couch so... shallow."
[audience laughing]
You can't spread your ass cheeks
binge-watching The Great British Bake Off
on this couch.
[audience laughing]
This is a couch
for giving and getting head...
'cause you can only sit
in it for, like, 90 seconds
before opening your legs wide
or folding them behind your ears.
[audience laughing]
That chess set, that pawn...
[audience laughing]
girthy...
flared at the base.
[audience laughing, cheering and clapping]
"Maybe we keep that one out, though, um.
[audience laughing]
"Or we could bring it
to the bedroom where that shelf
"is not for an alarm clock,
- it's for a camera."
- [audience member] Woo!
With the outlet right there,
so the camera can stay plugged in
when the orgasm occurs.
His, obviously.
[audience laughing]
I was like, the shampoo was cum,
[frantically]
"It's been cum this whole time!"
- [audience laughing and applauding]
- [Ilana laughs]
[normal]
"Scrubbed, and sanitized, and sterilized."
"Yeah, I bet, bitch!
- Jesus!"
- [audience laughing]
Suddenly, I was scouring
Brazzers for the work.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
I had to, guys, I had to.
It looked like half these videos
had been filmed in this house.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana sighs]
I was like,
"Is that comforter this comforter?"
[audience laughing]
Eventually, I said to my husband,
"You're hot. Should we upload some videos
"and make some money back
on this fuckin' porn house?
You think Brazzers has, like,
a work-study program or...?"
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
You know, I don't have
a problem with porn.
I love porn.
I just don't wanna sleep
on a porn set, you know?
I'll eat a burger just not
in the slaughterhouse, you know?
[audience laughing]
I do love porn.
I love good porn.
I started paying for porn
when the pandemic hit
because it became so important
to support small businesses.
[audience laughing, cheering and clapping]
Jerk local, guys.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
These are cage-free porn stars.
[audience laughing]
Unless, of course, they choose the cage.
[audience laughing and clapping]
I subscribe to a woman-made porn site
because, at some point,
the sidebar ads on the free sites
started freakin' me out, man.
[audience laughing]
Couple years ago I started
getting these sidebar ads
for stepbrother and stepsister porn.
I was like, "I did not search for this."
[laughter]
Think I was being
targeted by Big Incest.
[audience laughing]
- Yes.
- [audience member squeals]
I can't relate. My parents are married,
my brother's gay.
He'd never go for it, you know, so.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
I just like porn
that feels real, you know?
I miss the days of pizza guy porn.
- [audience whooping]
- How cute is that?
That is, like, classic American
cinema at this point.
[audience laughing]
Cute guy shows up with a pizza.
- Sure, I'll blow him, yeah.
- [audience laughing]
Eat a pizza afterwards?
I think that's a date.
[audience laughing and clapping]
And it genuinely turns me on to see
workers enjoy real benefits.
[audience laughing and whooping]
The people delivering food today,
they have no time to be blown.
It's very sad.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughs]
I ordered a pizza last week,
I got it frisbee'd
to my front door, for real.
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
It really does excite me
to see human beings paid fairly
for their labor, and time, and creativity.
- My God, my God.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
I'm so proud of my unions,
the Actors' Union and the Writers' Union
for striking last year,
- that was hard, and bold, and brave.
- [audience cheering]
But we needed to do it
because Hollywood is sick.
Nobody loves an incest storyline
more than Hollywood.
[audience laughing]
And I'm not talking about
some arthouse shit, you know?
I'm talking about the majors.
Star Wars...
a tale of intergalactic incest.
[audience laughing]
The gross thing about
Star Wars is the reveal
of incest at the end?
'Cause I'm watching this movie and I'm,
like, riding with these space cuties
hoping they get together and they're like,
"Hold up, hold up, wait... [stammers]
They're brother and sister.
Goodnight!"
[audience laughing and clapping]
I'm left to deal with my feelings alone?
Help.
[audience laughing]
Game of Thrones, that was unhinged.
[audience laughing]
They had titties and dragons,
you need incest too?
[audience laughing]
Knock it off.
But the one that surprises me to this day
is one of my favorite movies of all time.
And that is the iconic film, Clueless.
[audience cheering and applauding]
We remember Clueless
for its perfect dialogue,
its unforgettable fashion,
and feminist perspective.
It had a female director.
But the main storyline in Clueless
is about a stepbrother
and a stepsister gettin' together.
And when they do at the end, we all go,
"Yes!"
[audience laughing]
"Finally, these two can fuck."
Yikes, huh?
And they made it
impossible not to find hot.
It was a young, like, Paul Rudd
and Alicia Silverstone.
- [audience whistling and whooping]
- I was 10 years old, like,
"Mom, I love this movie!"
[audience laughing]
Ah! [giggles]
[audience laughing]
Uh!
[audience laughing]
[audience cheer-screaming and applauding]
I guess Big Incest got me good.
Okay?
Big Brother was watching me,
watch him, fuck his sister.
[audience laughing]
Can I ask you guys something?
I feel like we just have, like,
a true connection. I just wanna ask you,
do you guys ever have
this experience where
you are almost about to reach orgasm,
but then you think
of your parents dying and lose it?
[audience laughing and cheering]
Me neither. Nope.
[audience laughing]
Sorry. Me neither, nah.
[casually chuckling]
I don't care.
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] I don't care...
if they die.
[audience laughing]
It's a lot of pressure to be a mom, okay?
In opposite-sex parenting units,
it is so uneven for so long, it's crazy.
I was pregnant and I was like, "Okay,
well, I'm the only one who can do this
between the two of us.
So, alright, fine, fine, fine."
Then I squeezed a baby out
of one of my tiniest holes.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Cool, cool, cool.
Got it, got it, got it."
[laughter]
Then she's here
and I'm makin' food off of my body,
feeding her my milky...
titties all around town.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ilana laughing]
Finally, she can walk and talk.
She's like, "Mama, Mama, Mama."
I'm all she wants.
I'm like, "Hey, can ya help even?!"
Secretly hoping he won't 'cause
I'm the belle of the ball, you know?
[audience laughing]
My husband's been like my intern
for the past two years, you know?
It's like, "Can I get you anything,
a coffee, a water, anything to print?"
[audience laughing]
I'll tell you one thing daddies can do:
carry shit.
They're good at it, they love it,
let 'em do it.
[audience laughing]
You just load 'em up like
a mountain rescue dog.
And they're like...
[audience laughing and clapping]
You're like, "Good daddy.
"Good daddy, we love you. [smooches]
[sniffing]
Hmm, hmm, hmm."
[audience laughing and clapping]
But shit stays uneven
between moms and dads.
For a kid's whole life, when moms fuck up,
it's a big fuckin' deal.
When dads fuck up,
it's kinda hot.
[audience laughing]
'Cause what happens when dads fuck up?
You get daddy issues, oh.
[audience laughing]
Daddy issues, ooh.
What do you do to solve daddy issues?
You fuck a bunch of horny older men.
- [audience laughing]
- [audience members squealing]
What's the "issue"?
I don't know.
[audience laughing]
Sounds like a fun summer, you know?
[audience laughing and clapping]
And their branding is so on point.
[in Brooklyn accent]
"Daddy issues, oh, daddy issues, yes. Oh."
[audience laughing, whooping]
[normal]
Those are keywords in a porn search.
- [audience laughing]
- We don't even have a phrase for it.
[in gruff voice]
Issues with your mother.
[normal]
That's a diagnosis.
[audience laughing]
And the diagnosis is you're either merged
or separate from your mother.
That's all therapy boils down to.
My life falls into two categories.
I'm either calling my mom
[emotionally]
or not calling my mom.
[audience laughing]
And when you have
[gruff voice] issues with your mother,
[normal] you don't make love to a bunch
of beautiful older women.
[audience laughing and cheering]
If you're doing that, you're cured.
- Okay?
- [audience laughing]
No, when you have
[gruff voice] issues with your mother,
you develop an eating disorder.
[audience laughing]
[normal] If you're lucky,
you can pivot it into a drug habit.
[audience laughing]
Ten years of therapy, $90,000 later
and you're still desperate for approval.
Hence why I'm here with you tonight.
[clears throat]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Woo! My goodness.
I'm one of those people. I live
for a waiter to tell me, "Good choice."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Seriously? Stop, like...
I didn't even look at the menu
before I came, seriously."
[audience laughing]
"Would you say my order
means I'm special?"
[audience laughing]
But some cycle has completed
for me now that I'm a mom.
'Cause I've always been into mom shit.
My favorite thing to do my entire
adult life on a Friday night
is to get a little high
and wipe shit down.
[audience laughing and cheering]
You get me a hybrid Kush,
a lemon Verbena multi-purpose spray,
and a fresh roll of paper towels,
I'll see you in two and a half hours.
- [audience laughing]
- [clears throat]
Turn my phone off, light a candle,
that's Shabbat, babe.
[audience laughing and cheering]
I'm like, "Shabbat Shalom, hey."
[audience cheering and clapping]
And when I'm gettin' high with friends,
I'm not gettin' high and lettin' loose.
I'm gettin' high
and taking care of everybody.
Making sure you're snacked up.
Are you hydrated?
And what are we doing
with the temperature?
Are we making it warmer
or doing chilly with blankets, huh?
[audience laughing]
I didn't smoke for 10 months
when I was pregnant.
So, I guess you could say in a way, I did
pull out.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Mm.
Okay, there's a connection,
so I'm gonna be real with you.
It's more like...
I didn't smoke dat much.
- [audience laughing]
- You know what I mean?
Oh, [clears throat] that's all.
I didn't smoke dat much,
I didn't drink dat much,
- you know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]
I took little sips, I was like...
[kiss smacks]
But I didn't-- couldn't get,
like, donkey balls high.
- So...
- [audience laughing]
eventually, I just quit it. Yeah.
And realized what a low-level drug addict
I've been for decades. Wow.
[audience member whooping]
Drinking six, seven,
eight nights a week? Whoa.
[audience laughing]
Poppin' a Xanax and two Advil
to get a facial?
[audience laughing]
Are we sure?
[chuckles]
Girl, it Tuesday, you know?
- [audience laughing]
- [audience member whooping]
Now, when I get high,
so little gets me so high,
it is so scary.
[audience laughing]
This past weekend,
I was hanging out with my family
and I was like, "You know what?
[chuckles]
It's Mommy's turn
to get a little silly now."
[audience laughing]
And we had this 10-milligram
weed gummy bear,
and I nibbled off just the head.
I swear to you, the arms
were fully intact, like...
- you know, just like...
- [audience laughing]
shoulders remain, okay?
This should have been
two, three milligrams max.
I tell you, when that edible hit,
I got so high,
my toddler clocked it.
[audience laughing]
She gave my face elevator eyes,
looked it up and down,
and went... [laughs]
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Yo, delete, delete, delete.
Whoa, sorry."
Uh, 'cause one of us has to be
the designated driver here, you know?
'Cause toddlers are naturally
tripping their balls off 24/7.
That's just science.
They're all like, "Guank. [laughs]"
[audience laughing]
"Coop."
[audience laughing]
My daughter said to me the other day,
"Mama, show you green."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Yeah, show me green, girl.
Where is it, baby?
Woo, woo, woo, woo!"
She does "good moves," my daughter.
She goes, "Mama, good move?"
[audience laughing]
"Mama, good move?"
I'm like, "Yeah, girl, love that
move, baby, never stop moving!"
[audience laughing]
I was putting sunscreen on her little face
and the only spot I had left
was her forehead
and her little curls were covering it,
but my hands were filled with sunscreen.
So, I said, "Baby, can you lift your hair
off of your forehead?"
And she was like...
[audience laughing]
I said, "Lift your hair, baby.
Lift it up off of your forehead."
And she went...
[audience laughing and applauding]
I was like, "Shit, this girl's rolling."
[audience laughing]
"Sit her down, get her
a glass of water, damn.
She's going hard, going hard."
[audience laughing and clapping]
[Ilana chuckles]
But I think being a stoner
for all these years
- has made me a better parent.
- [audience member] Yes!
'Cause it gets me right
the fuck on baby level.
- [audience whooping]
- My daughter's two and a half,
for an entire year of her life,
she was speaking only in,
"Da, da-da."
She always--
Before she had language,
she always had ideas
to convey, convictions.
You know, "Da. Da. Daaa!"
Imagine that nightmare screaming
your thoughts and feelings.
Nobody has a fuckin' clue
what the fuck you're talking about.
- [audience laughing]
- Your own mother's like, "Da? Ha, ha."
[audience laughing]
But then I would remember,
I can take a tiny little hit,
blow it out the hood fans
above the stove...
- [audience laughing and clapping]
- and I'd be like, "[sharp inhale]
"Daaaa.
- Daaaa!"
- [audience cheering and applauding]
[scat singing]
Well, you know what she would do?
She'd go... [gasps, giggles].
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Yeah, girl, I know
what you're talking about. Da!
- Da, duh."
- [audience laughing]
Get high, speak baby.
[audience laughing]
I don't have to fake
an ounce of enthusiasm
while watching Sesame Street.
I'm like... [laughing]
"Oh, Big Bird, you a queen,
get outta here, huh?"
[audience laughing]
The theme song comes on,
my daughter's literally like,
[with lisp] "Skip, skip."
[normal] I'm like, "Mm-mm, mm, mm."
[singing]
Sunny days
Sweepin' the cadong cadong,
clouds awow
I love it, it's my favorite show.
Love it.
[audience applauding and cheering]
Fuck the Sopranos.
I'm sorry.
I cannot watch Tony make another kill.
But I must see Cookie Monster
deal with addiction.
- Um...
- [audience laughing]
it's in plain sight.
It is fucked up.
And it's a good practice
when you have a little one
to move about your day slowly
and narrate the action.
Give them some sense of control.
And I love this practice.
It keeps me so present.
I'll be like, "Okay, baby,
we just clean that stinky tushy
"with a wipe and a diap,
and a wipe and diap.
"And now I'm gonna pick you up,
and wait a second,
how'd you get so tall
when you're still so small?"
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
"And now I'm gonna put you down
in the living room area.
"And it's just an area.
'Cause we live in New York City.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
If you want distinct space,
you need generational wealth."
[audience laughing and clapping]
I've been talking like this
to myself for years.
[audience laughing]
Get a little high, go outside. I'm like,
"Whoa, here we are again."
[singing]
Once again, a little too high
A little too high
And we did it, we did it.
And we've been through it before.
We can get through this,
but public spaces are
different than private spaces.
- I'll tell you that. Tell you that.
- [audience whooping and laughing]
Different vibe, wow.
Um, you know, we were out on the street.
Uh, well, the sidewalk, oh, my gosh.
Walk. Uh, walk, do walk, do walk.
We can walk.
We know how to walk.
You can walk. You, we, what? I.
I, I can walk. I can walk.
I know how to-- [clears throat]
Oh, my God, look at that guy and his dog,
they look like brothers. What?
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
Now, did he choose the dog
because he looked like him?
Or did that happen over time? Ah.
[audience laughing and clapping]
Okay, now we're going down to the subway.
- Scary. Um.
- [audience laughing]
Oh, here it comes.
[singing] Ding-dong,
Christmas time is here
[audience laughing]
It's so cute in New York
how everybody's like my neighbor.
Aw, that's my neighbor.
That's my neighbor. That's my neighbor.
That guy is jerking off.
Oh, my gosh. Um...
[audience laughing]
That's my neighbor who jerks off.
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
Stoned and alone,
I'm bordering on psychosis.
With my child, excellent parenting.
- Okay?
- [audience laughing and clapping]
And being a stoner for all these years
has made me really good
at managing panic attacks.
[audience member]
Woo!
Because of the thousands
of times I've gotten high,
I have never once gotten high
and immediately chilled.
[audience laughing]
I have exclusively gotten high,
had a panic attack,
and then earned my chill.
[audience laughing]
Yes.
[audience cheering,
whistling, and applauding]
That's what makes you a loyal stoner.
That's what makes you
of the faith, you know?
You have the faith to do
it again, and do it again,
and do it again.
You're having a panic attack once a day
with a little one, at least.
The most mundane actions
could mean permanent damage,
walking and they could
gouge a fuckin' eye out.
[audience laughing]
Eating is a whole production.
The line between chewing and choking
is razor-thin!
[audience laughing]
Back when the kid was a baby,
um, that first time, actually,
that we were in Florida,
she was eating little
chunks of watermelon.
She didn't have all her teeth yet.
So, she's mashin', mashin',
mashin' 'em up in her gums.
And I'm watching her eat
the way I watch her eat
to this day, like this.
- [clears throat nervously]
- [audience laughing]
[nervous chuckle]
'Kay.
[clears throat]
Hoo. Um.
- [pops lips nervously]
- [audience laughing]
When it happened, she started gagging.
And I had to wait until
it turned into choking
to freak the fuck out.
So, she's like...
[softly coughing]
And on the inside I'm like,
"Fuck, fuck! Jesus, fuck.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I didn't watch the videos.
"I didn't take the fuckin' classes.
Jesus fuck,
"and if she dies,
I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
If you die, I die, that is the pact
I made with God the day you were born!"
[audience laughing and clapping]
But on the outside, I was like,
[calmly] "Hmm."
[audience laughing]
"Hmm.
A mama, ma. [giggles]"
She keeps going, she's like...
[softly coughing]
On the inside, I was like...
[imitates ambulance siren wailing]
On the outside, I was like, "Hmm, nah,
yah, yah, yah, yah. [giggles]"
When finally, thank Black Jewish Jesus...
[audience laughing,
cheering, and applauding]
she went... [forceful coughing]
and I looked at the watermelon,
and I looked at her,
and I was like, "Well, girl,
now we get to chill
- for the rest of the day, dawg."
- [audience laughing]
Toronto, thank you so damn much.
- [audience enthusiastically cheering]
- Oh, my goodness, thank you.
Oh, my God, it's my honor and privilege.
Thank you so much.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I literally love you, goodnight.
[audience enthusiastically cheering
and applauding]
["Bussifame" by Dawn Richard playing]
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
[vocalizing]
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
[song fades out]
- [electricity zapping]
- [flies buzzing]