Iliza Shlesinger: Over & Over (2019) Movie Script

I started getting ready
for the next comedy special
like the second they yelled cut
from the last one.
And I don't say that I'm ready
to do a special
unless I know I can deliver it
in x amount of months.
I don't want to waste
anyone's time.
I am shooting to kill.
For me, I'm not speaking
for anyone else,
what goes into
a Netflix special is
months of being on the road.
Thank you.
I was doing clubs
to get ready for this,
and we planned the dates out
and ramped them up
as we get closer to the special.
Two shows a night.
Five shows in a weekend
polishing it.
So you are touring hardcore,
and you're just running it
over and over and over and over.
What goes into making
a Netflix special
is a lot of repetition.
I'm sorry.
Every week
you pack your bag,
fly somewhere...
do your makeup,
do the show.
This doesn't make this
wanna make more of that.
No to your lineage!
Do the show.
Meet the fans.
Come back,
collapse on your bed.
Women are not used to dealing with
rejection when it comes to sex.
We're used to dealing with rejection
when it comes to the idea of,
I don't know, governing our own
bodies, having our own thoughts,
getting paid the same
for the same job a man does.
They see
the Netflix special
and they don't realize
that like
everything in your career led up
to that moment,
to nailing that joke,
to having that timing,
that point of view.
And it's all a build up.
And then after
you record the special,
you erase it all
and you start,
you keep doing it over
and over and over again.
You begin slowly erasing
that last special.
So I liking it to
you have the old special,
so it's like scaffolding.
And slowly you start taking out
bricks and mortar from the last one,
and the big set pieces
are still there
holding the set together.
And then
as the year goes on,
you start to take out
the big pieces of scaffolding
and you replace them
with new pieces.
And then you start to put in
the new crown molding,
the new bricks,
the new facade.
So it's almost like
one structure supports the other
until the new one
totally takes over.
And then
you have a new house.
Comedy is a solo sport.
And I think what I love about
stand-up is that nobody tells me
what jokes
I can and can't do.
You really do live and die
by your own merit
up on that stage.
It's either funny
or it's not.
And if it's not funny,
that's your fault.
It's very brutal
and beautiful
and pure in that way.
This is such a thing you'd
have to post in a comedy club.
Please don't
lean on the backdrop
because there's
nothing to support it,
behind what looks pretty,
which is such a metaphor
for show business,
and don't poke the ceiling tiles,
probably 'cause they're old.
So like only comics
have to be told like, "Hey,
keep your hands to yourself
or as in most men.
But, just you
would only see that.
You would never
see that like in like
headquarters like,
"Please don't kick
the backs of the chairs
and don't punch the walls.
All right,
you guys, are you ready?
You've seen all her
Netflix specials, her book
her book "Girl Logic"
is out right now.
Come on, you guys.
Make it louder, let it rise.
Let it rise up.
Make it louder!
has a different process,
and you can only
figure out your process
through trial and error,
I'd write down a thought,
and then I'd get up
and I just talk about it.
I only do my writing on stage.
So for me getting up every night
doing a couple shows a night,
that's where I do my writing.
That's where you get your
batting practice in.
And then it gets imprinted in
and the next time I get up
which is usually
the next night,
I expound on that and I kind
of go through these things
and I just talk them out.
That's why smaller shows
are important to do that work.
This is what we do
for you gentlemen by the way,
we wear push-up bras.
There's not a woman in this room
that wears a push-up bra
when she's like
alone or sick and like home.
No woman's walking
around just like,
"I like have my tits
within licking range."
I like it when
the blood pools here.
It's a compliment when
people say you look polished.
You know, it's show business.
You're putting on a show.
I very much believe in
the showmanship.
We scan you like predator.
We go through every molecule
of your DNA like,
for physical abnormalities.
Is he balding?
But is it in a weird way?
Is he wearing
embroidered jeans?
If so,
is he a European male
or just someone from Arizona?"
Like we're going
through a list.
We go through a list.
You're paying with your time
and your money to hear,
in some cases
a woman much younger than you,
tell you how it is.
So at the very least,
I should have my thoughts
Gentlemen, if you don't believe
me that a dragon exists
under the exterior
of every woman in this room,
the next time you leave
a woman's place in the morning,
look directly in her eye,
I promise you will see
like a nictitating membrane.
She's like, "Okay, have a
great, have a great day.
Slam. Click.
You're just flying around
your own studio apartment...
but you need the cardio.
I believe that people
laugh at things for two reasons.
They either laugh because
of a genuine understanding like,
"Oh my God.
I do that.
Oh my God.
She's saying what I'm thinking.
Oh my God. I felt that.
I've done.
I've thought that."
Or, "Oh my gosh,
that's so insane.
I have no frame of reference
for that." That's hilarious.
The peacock...
it sounds
like a tired prostitute.
Like the peacock's just standing
there on the corner like,
"You wanna fuck or what?
I have a room."
I thought I did well.
I was happy with it.
I wasn't in love
with the crowd.
Um, there's like patches
that were very quiet.
I think the microphone
was shitty at the beginning.
I couldn't hear myself
in the monitor
which makes me yell more.
But that's what I get
for not doing a sound check.
Honestly the documentary
should be the a,
the hard a storyline
is just b-role of Blanche.
She's like
this beautiful thing,
but she will not hesitate to
eat vomit right off the street.
This is a scarf
a fan made her
and then sometimes,
this is so gross,
and I don't care,
I'll lift up a flap,
and I'll get a little hit.
I get a little hit.
Stinky, stinky, stinky.
She's so special.
Blanche is my dog.
She was in the first
Netflix special,
and she's become my intrepid
stalwart companion
by my side.
I mean, have you ever seen a dog
this special?
She's ready to go.
Can I zip you up?
Should I zip you up
in that suitcase and take you?
She doesn't understand.
I just take her to the shows
and now she comes out,
if we do a theatre,
she runs across the stage.
Wow! Look at Alfina!
At the meet and greet
people can meet her.
Yes. Yes.
We have this Narrative
of like Blanche
when she was at the shelter
like before I knew her
and she gets up during dinner
and all the other dogs are like,
"Sit down!"
And she's like, "You'll see.
I'm gonna be a big star." Everyone's
like, "You're no one. You're just a mutt."
And she's like,
"You'll see.
I'll be on camera,
flying high,
people are gonna
know my name."
And they're like,
"Go to bed."
And then they one day looked on TV
and they saw her and they were like,
"Wow. She really made it."
"You'll see.
I'll be sippin' on crab.
That picture perfectly
encapsulates slash illustrates
the dynamic that we have.
Me showering her with attention,
her looking off
into the distance
wanting to be
anywhere but there.
Less people are asking like,
"People say women aren't funny."
It's like,
not a lot of people
still say that.
And those that do,
like nobody's listening to them.
My dad is funny.
My mom is like a very creative,
very funny,
like take no crap New Yorker.
I just knew my whole life,
I always knew that I was gonna
be funny for a living.
I think my parents
always believed in me.
They've never said
you can't do that.
That's not funny.
You're no good.
That being said, I don't think
the road to being a comic
is paved with remembering
all the times
people believed in you.
All I'm thinking of like
the first time I was rejected.
'Cause I remember it was seventh
grade and I wanted to be in the play.
And like the theatre teacher
like just like wasn't into me.
Coming from
the suburbs of Dallas, Texas,
I didn't have like
access to Hollywood.
So I'd piece together
a comedic education.
I watched In Living Color.
I found Kids in the Hall,
and of course you're watching
Saturday Night Live.
That's your big reference point.
So I was Class Clown.
It was me another boy.
We are both voted Class Clown.
I always gravitated towards boys
that were funny,
um, 'cause I kind of wanted
to always riff with them
and show that
I'm funny, too, like,
I liked funny friends
but as someone who's funny,
you need an audience.
So I kind of made my way
into the L.A. comedy scene.
I became a paid regular
at The Comedy Store
and the Improv and the clubs
after a couple years
of just doing smaller shows,
really whatever
I could get my hands on,
and I didn't have
a mentor or a group
that I really came up with
kind of showing me
the ropes.
So I just made it up
as I went along.
I grimaced when people want to
talk about Last Comic Standing.
Iliza Shlesinger.
I wrote about it in my
book, and in my mind
I was like,
this is the definitive answer
no one will ever ask me again.
It was,
no one knows who I am.
I want to take another step,
I gotta get on TV.
It really is at certain levels
just about the credits.
And, then I won.
Iliza Shlesinger!
Our first,
our first female comic
to ever win
Last Comic Standing.
One more time, America...
I'm proud of
that accomplishment,
but it was over a decade ago.
It's something that I did
that it was cool
and I was like 25 or 26
when I did it,
but it just,
it's always a reminder like,
"Hey, you haven't done
anything as big since."
And I think
the pain for me
comes from knowing
deep down
that that's my biggest
accomplishment thus far.
So I feel like a loser
when I talk about it.
Because I never want
anyone to think
that I'm like Al Bundy
like talking about four touchdowns
in a single game from high school.
It's just a reminder that I have to
keep going to do something bigger
so that people
will stop asking me about it.
Touring is exhausting.
For me, 6:00 a.m. flights,
sometimes connecting flights.
I hate to say
I'm a road dog,
but any comic who travels
is an expert at traveling.
So right now, we're harboring
a concealed dog in a bag.
The whole idea
is I just get through TSA
with a toothless
middle-aged dog.
I fly too much to be harassed.
It's knowing which airports
have a pet relief area.
How to pack all your things
so you only have one carry-on.
Do not check a bag.
I land. I get to my hotel
room, I get my key.
First thing I do is I set up
Blanche with her food and water.
I then very much enjoy
taking out my makeup
and setting it up
somewhat nicely,
but I like to put like my
brushes and my makeup in a cup
and I lay it out
to make it as civilized
as possible
for that, you know,
half hour I take to get ready.
Watch me do this
whole documentary
and like every
Refinery29 article
is about like
my blotting technique.
I will say what's weird
is that like you're in here,
having a coffee, getting ready
just like every other girl,
but like it's always funny
when I'm like,
"Oh, I'm about to go stand up
on stage by myself.
Like I'm about to go do
the weirdest job ever.
One hour,
two hours a night.
Once in a while, I'll do three shows
in a night which is a terrible idea.
And you're sick sometimes.
Like nobody cares
if you're sick.
They're like, "We spent all this
money on a ticket give us a show."
And that's part
of the professionalism.
And then
you meet your fans.
I love meeting them,
but it is mentally exhausting.
And then when they meet you,
they're paying
for a moment of your time,
and you have to be there
for them emotionally.
You can't be like, "Ugh, next."
They'll hate you.
And I'm so excited to meet them,
and so that stamina
is built in all the way until
I go backstage and we're done.
It's all a part
of the performance.
Oh yeah.
And then I finish the show,
and I eat everything
in my path.
Can I trouble you
for extra cheese?
I'll eat shirtless on my bed.
For room service,
I'll find any restaurant
that's open late night.
And if you're in my way,
watch out 'cause
I'm gonna bite you.
So I wrote "Girl Logic"
and I was super proud of it,
but I needed to promote it.
'Cause you want as many people
to read it as possible.
So I wove my book tour
into my stand-up tour.
So while getting ready
for the Netflix special
I was doing press for "Girl
Logic" all during the day
and then stand up at night.
Yeah, I wrote this book.
This is by no means
just for women.
Uh, it speaks
sort of to the reasons
women have to think the way
that we do and why.
You know, I kind of got tired of
all women being labeled as crazy.
I was like,
"On the contrary,
we have to factor in
so many things
into our decision-making
because we're judged so harshly.
I do talk about it in the book
because everybody thinks, you know,
comedy should be a lot of fun
and easy,
but it was a, a mentally...
Winning was great
and then going on that tour
was a mentally scarring
So for guys who like to
read about war stories...
I have one.
It's fine.
One, never fails,
same questions.
Ten years in, I'm still getting
these fucking loser questions
about Last Comic Standing.
Hold on.
I answered her.
Like if you listen
to that interview,
I gave her an answer.
I wasn't like, get fucked, Lori.
No. You looked at the
camera with a 'get fucked' face.
He'll blur it out.
Okay. We have to leave
in the next ten minutes.
- You live here?
- Yeah, Sam.
- I'm Sam.
- Oh, hi Sam.
- Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you.
So this book
was initially, you know,
and I've been working on it
for about a year-and-a-half
with Weinstein books.
I never met Harvey Weinstein
I've, you know...
- Be glad.
- Right for sure, definitely now.
- Yeah.
- Uh, happy for that.
Um, and when
the story came out,
I was like,
my luck, selfishly,
that happened
and so my book
is actually the last book
to have the Weinstein
insignia on it.
So I was like,
I was talking about this yesterday,
I liken it to like
when your grandfather
like brought home some
Nazi dinnerware from the war.
Like somewhere
in some people's houses
there's like a plate
with a swastika on it.
You're like,
"Isn't this cool?
Like, they don't
make this anymore."
So I've got this print,
this run,
of this first edition
has the Weinstein W on it.
Side note, she's Jewish.
- It's fine.
- It's totally fine
to mention the word swastika.
But Weinstein books as it was,
it was two women.
It wasn't a huge conglomerate.
It was a small company
within a big one.
So you were working
with women doing this book?
I was working with women.
And I said,
"Why would I ever allow
his deplorable actions
to overshadow
this strong, friendly feminist
amazing message
that's in the book."
So it's another example of a man
doing something horrible
and a woman paying the price,
as you said.
So that was big for me.
And I was like,
I'm not gonna back down,
especially when I've done
nothing wrong.
- Nothing.
- And so and now it's at Shed books,
and we won't speak
of the dead.
So you do press tours,
what any project
when you do as much
press tour as you can,
uh, there are aspects
of this business
that are miserable
and like soul-crushing,
and this is just easy.
So it's fun
because of all
the fun things
you get to do,
and I love promoting things,
but, uh,
it's work, right?
It's work.
- I'm Max, by the way.
- Hi. Iliza.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Um, so yeah.
So, yeah, so basically,
I'm just gonna ask you
about eight questions,
it's rapid-fire 60 seconds,
if you don't want to answer
a question just say,
- "Pass."
- Great, I got it.
- Okay.
- Yeah, perfect.
Hey guys,
I'm Iliza Shlesinger
and I'm here to promote
my new book, "Girl Logic,"
which was born today,
I'm very excited about it,
and this is my BUILD
"Last Minute."
Great. When was the last time
you were in New York City?
The last time I was in New
York City was last week
for a charity event, I hosted a
charity event for cystic fibrosis.
What was the last
thing you searched for online?
The last thing I searched for
online was an article
where I was interviewed
by a Refinery29
to promote my book
"Girl Logic."
And you're interviewing me
about "Girl Logic" on this tape
and I'm talking about
"Girl Logic" today.
So it's like
a promo within a promo.
It's very Menna.
If you don't understand
what I'm talking about,
then you need to read
"Girl Logic."
Here we go.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Uh, I watched
Kids in the Hall and The State,
and Saturday Night Live,
and so--
and it was a lot of--
there were the women of the 90s
of Saturday Night Live
like Cheri Oteri
and Molly Shannon
shaped the way
that we spoke.
Cheri Oteri's voice like,
"Yeah. Okay. Doin' all right."
And I interviewed her once
and she kind of described
all of her characters as like,
"Hangin' by a thread."
But that voice
was stolen by so many people,
Chris Farley, Will Ferrell,
this sort of like
burst of energy and anger,
and I definitely take a page
from that in my stand up.
So it was always
funny characters and people
and voices
versus pure stand up,
and I think that's why
my stand up has so much texture,
'cause it was so influenced
by sketch comedy.
Thank you!
The whole time I was like,
I forgot ten minutes and I did.
I was like the whole time I was
like, something feels wrong.
And I forgot a whole
ten minutes.
This is such business of chance.
So having
multiple things going on
is beneficial mentally
because when,
if you have five things going on
when four of them fade away,
you still have that one
to focus on,
and then you put another one
back in the fire.
It's a way to know that
you're always doing something.
It would be the worst for me
if I did like a Netflix special
and then I was like,
"Now what?"
"...You're so funny," you come in right
in with that line right at the top.
Or just drag a chair
really loud.
How do you want me
to read my lines?
I don't care
how you read your lines.
Because no one's gonna-- I'm not
gonna go to this audition
and they're gonna be like,
"But what was your
assistant's motivation
when you read with her
in your prison yard?
Just do it like yourself.
Just be like lowkey
disgruntled at all times,
and I'll just
feed off that energy.
I'm up for the part
for two different roles
in this Mark Wahlberg movie,
and it's tough.
Because like
I read for a lot of things,
uh, this is my maybe
like tenth year
auditioning for stuff,
I have read for
major TV shows, movies,
and I have
never booked anything.
For reasons out of my control they're
like, "We went black."
"We gave it to a guy."
"We gave it to a couch cushion
with a cheesecake stain on it."
Like it's, "Do I read
through this one more time?
Or do I go to
my gym appointment at four?
One of those two things
is guaranteed to produce
good results
within the next hour.
I've read through this
for about 45 minutes,
and the addition is tomorrow.
But I think
I'm going to go to the gym.
And I can go to the gym
and you can stay here
and pretend to work.
Thank you.
This is my assistant Emily.
She also goes by Baby Arm.
Do you want to show them why?
Doesn't it look like
a giant baby arm?
It's not body shaming,
'cause I asked her
if this was okay.
It's so soft.
And she's smart too, so like
I actually value her opinion.
Like I feel like
I'm getting emotional work done
when I vent to her.
She also has watched every
bad movie you've ever heard of.
So sometimes I'll go in for
an audition and I'll be like,
"Who is this actress?
She'd be like,
"Oh, she was on season two
of One Tree Hill.
She's got red hair.
She was in a movie with
Tara Reid six months ago.
It went straight
to Pay-Per-View.
I've watched it."
So she's great,
and I just--
I hope she doesn't-- I give her
everything she wants.
I hope she doesn't leave me.
I think about that every day.
I'm like,
"What if today's the day?"
Like how am I gonna do anything?
...With each pain
and we catalog it.
We put each rejection
in a mason jar
and we pin it-- it's rustic,
put it into our
sack of emotional baggage,
he broke up with me because
I slept with his brother.
Well, they're twins.
They should wear different colored hats.
That's not my fault.
And we put it
into our emotional baggage,
and we throw that baggage
over our shoulder.
And what do we do with it?
We walk it into
the new relationship.
He welcomes you to the new
relationship like, "Come on in.
You seem pretty cool
and well adjusted."
And you're sitting there like...
"Oh, I am!
Yes. This seems like
a safe place for me to--
unpack my shit!
Comedy is pain.
It's, you know,
you're talking about your childhood
or something horrible
that happened or heartbreak.
It's digging deep
within ourselves
to bear our vulnerability.
And the comedy gods reward
your vulnerability with laughs.
The more
open and honest you are,
the more people
are like,
"Yeah, they're saying
what I couldn't say."
- Wow!
- Oh my God!
Seeing the outpouring
of emotion
that the specials
invoke in people
because I'm saying things
that people are thinking.
They feel a connection.
And people will write me,
very personal things,
and they want
to share that with you.
Like I gave them
the gift of the comedy,
and now they want to give
something back.
Uh, basically she's hilarious.
It's pretty much
all there is to it.
She's very relatable and she
says exactly what we're thinking.
She's a badass feminist
and she's fucking hilarious.
Men are better
with rejection
from what I can see.
I mean, we're all human.
No one loves being rejected.
Men to get over it,
society demands
that they get over it,
move passed it,
work through it.
don't work through anything.
We don't 'get over' anything.
we hold on to it.
You're lucky if you're able to
have a career that goes long enough
that people want to hear
your take on life.
We hold on to it so tight
and we revisit it
and we examine it
from every angle,
maybe if I was wearing a tank
top it would've been different,
We hold on to it.
We bring in experts like,
"Stacy, get over here!
What do you think?"
For me, it has evolved
from a desire
to make people laugh.
It's become bigger than that.
I now have a responsibility
to the people
who have offered me
their vulnerability
and their hearts
and their acceptance.
This is amazing.
It's a whole book
of Frasier scripts.
A whole book
of Frasier scripts.
I'm lucky enough
to have fans
that express their love for me
both verbally
and in gift form,
it's become a thing.
It's like our thing now
with me and my fans.
Are you small?
People see
that I love mud masks,
and they see--
or that I love Sour Patch Kids.
And they bring so many toys
for Blanche and candy.
To matching items for me and
Blanche like matching scarves.
These are Blanche earrings.
So that's special.
I had one fan write a thing
and he was like,
"I was the first one to make you
a gift based on your act."
'Cause it wasn't always.
And this was, I think,
the first piece of dog art.
It's Blanche
as a Turkish princess.
And anybody who sees me take
Instagram pictures
in my bathroom
has seen this.
Like I'll be posing thinking I
look amazing and you're like,
"Is that a watercolor
of your dog behind you?"
By the way,
any art you see in my house
that involves
comedy or my dog...
someone gave it to me.
I'm not a maniac.
Okay, this one I made,
but that was the first one.
"Fuck Bitches Get Money."
That's something I said.
It's also so touching to see
how specific the jokes get.
Like I have a joke
about leaving your girlfriends
and one girlfriend's like,
"Go on without me?"
Or, "Order me a Lemon Drop
and toast to my memory."
So some girl got me
like a Lemon keychain
that says,
"Toast to my memory."
This is made of 100% human hair.
I'm kidding.
It's wool.
But that's me and my dog.
This is me and Blanche again.
That's Party Goblin.
I think she's kind of the mother
of this universe that I've created.
I have this whole bit
that I do online
where I give Blanche
her day's wages.
And I'll give her
a bite of something,
like one grain of rice
or one like shred of chicky
and those are her wages.
And so somebody made Blanche
her day's wages
and it's exactly
365 grains of rice,
so a Year's wages.
And each one
means so much to me.
I try to honor that.
I take pictures.
I put on my Instagram.
I'm just forever so touched
that anybody cares.
we're gonna go get the car.
I'm sick.
I'm sick and we have
to go get a Z pack.
I have to go to Sacramento
like tomorrow morning
and nobody cares
if you're sick.
Nobody cares.
Nobody wants to hear you like
coughing and stuff on stage.
And I know this sounds bratty,
but like it's sold out.
So like unless you have
like life-threatening pneumonia
you can't cancel a gig.
Oh, this sucks.
I don't wanna get on a plane.
Why are people so horrible?
That's was so jarring.
I don't even know this number.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's Arielle.
How's it going?
I'm good.
I'm sick.
I'm sick.
So can you do me a favor?
What's the favor?
The favor is, um,
don't let me go
and, um,
can you just pretend
that you don't have bad news
until after I come back
from Sacramento?
Because if I come home Sunday,
I'll be like,
"Oh, that's okay
that I didn't get the role
and they've asked me
to leave Hollywood.
Oh my God. You-- but one--
I don't pretend
that anything
because I have
amazing news for you.
You got the role.
You booked the movie.
You booked a Mark Wahlberg,
Octavia Spencer studio movie.
Oh my God.
- It's amazing.
- Oh my God.
- That...
- I gotta run. I gotta run,
- but I just had to tell you.
- Okay.
It's great.
It's beyond amazing.
- Okay, thank you.
- Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
I got it.
I got that movie.
I got the fucking movie.
I got it, Emily!
Oh my god.
I've never...
What do you care?
She probably thinks
it was 'cause of her motivation.
I can't believe I got that.
I was up at like
4:00 a.m. yesterday to come here
and then,
'cause you gotta get to the
airport early so then the flight,
and you land at 4:30 and then
there's traffic to get here...
so your body clock
is three hours behind.
But then you have to force
yourself to go to sleep
to be up at 5:00 a.m.
So it's like all types
of jet lag mixed into one so.
And then
this is a crazy amount of press.
So I'm just feeling
a little subdued.
I'm trying not to have
a bad attitude.
It's 800 Degrees in L.A.
Like you're gonna have
Christmas in shorts
and this is what's going on
in the rest of the world.
All right,
we gotta get a break,
but later on The Morning Show
stay with us,
Armie Hammer opens up
about why he almost says no...
- He's here.
- starring in the new film Call Me By Your Name.
- But up next, Iliza Shlesinger on her...
- "But."
- ...definition of "Girl Logic"...
- "But up next."
...and the challenges still...
You watch Canadian...
Sorry, just a little Segway.
Uh, Canadian late night TV,
it's all about like outdoors
equipment and they're like,
"When you're hunting
a live moose"...
Like it's all
like outdoor stuff
all American late-night
infomercials are about
suing anyone and anything
you've ever seen
and a home catheter delivery.
So at its core you're making people
laugh, but also at its core
it's a cathartic process
and you are
serving your own ego.
Anybody that stands in front
of a group of people
has and ego.
I don't care
if you are a pastor.
I don't care
if you're a preacher.
I don't care
if you're a self-help guru.
There is that kernel of like
I need people to look at me
- and hear me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I also think every comic,
you sort of create
your universe.
You create this world,
when I look on my tweets
and the things
that people write back,
I have lingo that I use
and it's an outpouring
of things I say to my dog,
or the way I describe things,
and people use it back.
Your art becomes theirs.
So for, Bill for example,
they're being mean,
but it's out of love.
And for me,
people dress up when they come
to my shows as my act.
They come in a blousy cow outfit
or a fried shrimp shirt
or a Party Goblin hat,
and they've taken it
and made it their own.
It's so funny
'cause you write these jokes
and you'll write a bit
that you think, you're like,
this is gonna change comedy.
I am a philosopher,
and no one ever references it.
They're like, "I loved your bit
about octopi." And you're like,
"Okay. So not the social
commentary about the Internet?"
"No, I liked the rabbit joke."
Like it's just...
And that becomes a thing.
So it's always
interesting to see how people
take your art
and make it their own.
I was just in a daze talking to
him and I just remember all--
the whole time I was talking,
I just kept thinking,
"This isn't funny.
I haven't smiled once.
I'm not being funny.
I'm just so tired."
Like his face got this small
at one point.
And I was like,
"Just try not to close my eyes,
try not to roll your eyes
and then close them."
I'm usually pretty good
about no sleep and working,
but this
is a seven hour day
before my day has started.
We were getting on the elevator
and we were like
taking a second and we--
the elevator opened and there
was like all these people on
and we stood there for a second
'cause we didn't know if they were
getting off and the guy goes,
"Come on in." And I was like,
that's the difference between
Canadian's and American's.
In America I'd be like,
"Shut the door.
I don't even want them on."
He's like, "Come on in."
The water's fine.
We start five and you are our
last stop which is great,
'cause I am out of seat.
"Girl Logic"
is the thought process
that women apply
to everyday decisions.
As a woman
you are expected to be
so many things
to so many people,
often all at once,
and they're often,
uh, contradictory.
So it's,
here it's supposed to be
sexy but demure,
whatever those things mean.
Smart but not too smart,
'cause then you'll make somebody insecure.
Attractive but not too attractive,
you'll make women upset.
A good mother
but also a party girl
but outgoing but demanding,
but also stick up for yourself
but also don't be too annoying.
- All right, thank you so much.
- Okay, thank you.
- Happy holidays.
- Thank you. Lovely to meet you.
Great crowd. Lori described
it as like a wall of laughter.
You couldn't have asked for
a better crowd than that.
I sound so Canadian. I couldn't have
asked for a better crowd than that.
Before we shot the comedy special,
you know, you take all these gigs
to get ready for it and then sometimes
you have like a higher calling.
And I would do 'em
in a heartbeat.
I don't care
what else is going on.
Like it's just so important
to do them.
All right, we are here on
Andrews Air Force Base
uh, about to go on
the chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff Christmas Tour
to several countries.
Air Force Two, baby.
And I'm gonna work out
some very specific parts
of my act for the troops.
Merry Christmas.
See you on the other side.
Iliza Shlesinger everybody.
Happy to be here.
Guys only
want to let you know
is "How'd you meet your girl?"
All right so,
I used to fuck like a bunny.
I could be fucking right now
if I wanted to,
but I'm just gonna fuck her,
'cause I'm a fuck man.
That's how I do a fuck----
pack up this dick,
onto the next town.
Fire in the hole.
I'm there not to do
my actual material.
I am there to make sure
I say anything I can
to make these
men and women
who are in a very
stressful situation
forget that they're
in that situation and have fun.
This is not about the art.
It is not about
like growing as an artist.
Like you're just there
to be like,
"You gotta mustache?
I've seen lesbians
grow thicker mustaches."
And they're like,
"Oh fuck! That's you, Sanchez."
Some of the guys here
with mustaches,
I could grow a better one than some of you.
I gotta be honest.
Like I don't know what
this one is here right here.
- Oh!
- I don't know what that is...
You in the back, you look like
you run a family pizza parlor.
You look like you're from
Portland and you make like...
You look like you shouldn't
be around children,
especially with those
For me it's like, whose mustache
can I make fun of?
Can I say fuck enough times
to get you?
Who in the audience
am I gonna just rag on?
You know,
it's like rapid fire.
It's a challenge
I really enjoy,
because it's really about
making them feel good.
The first USO show I did
years ago and I started
talking to this kid
and he showed me this aircraft
that he was in charge of flying,
and I even have goosebumps
thinking about it right now,
because I remember thinking,
like you're 19 years old
and you are in charge
of so much more
than any 19 year old
should be entrusted with,
but you have taken on
that burden so selflessly
and it just,
it always stuck with me,
like that's what
sacrifice looks like.
I look like the guy
that tortures people
in Princess Bride.
Don't even think
about trying to escape.
It's 4:00 a.m.,
and we're flying to Charlotte.
Here we are in Charleston
small dog on parade.
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
Thank you.
Going home to Los Angeles.
I got on stage last night
and this woman came up
she goes,
"Oh, honey,
you look exhausted."
I was like, "Oh, I am."
Okay, I'm cold.
Netflix, you know, they were like,
"We want higher production value."
They don't just want someone
standing on the stage.
And as an artist
I'm like, "Oh cool.
It wasn't enough that I invented
a world with my brain."
Um, and so we picked
the aircraft carrier
of the USS Hornet in Alameda.
We lit it beautifully,
and it felt like
I was having a bat mitzvah
but the theme was war.
Like all this uplighting
on the planes.
And then we're gonna donate
a big chunk of the proceeds
to Team Rubicon
which is a
veterans organization
that, uh, basically
helps vets helps us.
So if there
is a natural disaster,
they help vets with preparedness
and stuff like that
come in and offer some
relief to civilians.
The truth is
no matter how many times
you run it
over and over again,
this is the one
that gets captured on tape.
So it could be perfect
for every city,
and if the energy
isn't right here,
you will feel it
when you watch it at home,
but I think it'll be okay.
If it sucks,
this documentary
will have a very different
front line.
I think it has to be
a little bit shorter.
This is Madonna.
This just looks fake.
It's so much hair.
No it's not.
It's in your head.
It's so cold up there.
It is freezing,
which is also exhausting.
Like it's hard to breathe
cold air 'cause it hurts.
Nobody'll know.
But you should know.
You watch that special
just know
I was freezin' my nips off.
Right before I walked down
that gangplank
I was just like
shivering in a coat.
Like I put on so much
deodorant I was like,
"I don't wanna sweat through this
gymnast top, whatever I was wearing,
and the opposite of sweat.
It was like
tiny icicles were forming.
You think men judge women
harshly, they do, but gentlemen,
every molecule of your DNA
we go through it like,
for physical abnormalities.
Is his shirt unbuttoned too low
for his ethnicity?"
We can't show you the clip
because we don't have the rights
to it for this production.
Did you watch the Lady Gaga
documentary on Netflix?
- I did not.
- Hers is all about
her leading up to the Super Bowl
but you don't see
the Super Bowl performance,
'cause they
don't have that footage.
- Oh, wow.
- So this is everything.
This is how you make
a Netflix special
up until
the Netflix special.
A lot of my family came.
A lot of my friends came.
I think 'cause it was
really close to San Francisco
and everyone wants to go
to San Francisco but, you know,
they all came and you get
so few of those moments in life
where everyone's there to just
give you love and support.
But I really took a step back,
you know, we're in the middle of
taping, we're running around,
like all those people
made that trek
just to watch me do something
that I love to do.
And that is very special.
Who knew?
- Iliza was always funny.
- She was always witty.
She was always
witty and sharp and smart.
Yeah, she was always quick,
right, sharp, witty.
You know,
we're bursting with pride,
but we've been
proud of her for years.
This is my dad.
This is Ashton.
That's what it's about,
creating something,
touring it,
building a culture around it,
selling a show based off of it,
engaging with the fans.
This is it.
This is the world
that I've created for myself.
This has been a year
of hotels
and endless shows
and ceaseless dedication.
I really wanted to make
something special
and donate the money
to a worthy cause.
I am really proud
of what I've done here.
I'm very excited to see it.
And it's not really over
because next week
we start writing new material.
And this is my job.