Illegal Aliens (2007) Movie Script
(people chattering)
(reel spinning)
(people chattering)
- [Person] Shh.
Shh.
(reel spinning)
- [Announcer] Earth.
It's a tiny blue sphere
in the inky black depths of space,
vulnerable and alone.
Its primary inhabits, humans,
are wholly unprepared to defend themselves
from a myriad of evil aliens
who seek to do them harm.
Seeing this, intergalactic (mumbles)
covertly inserted three
shape-shifting agents.
Aided by the super-holographic
mainframe computer
known as Syntax,
they're in constant alert
for all threatening activities.
(strange music)
Capable of taking any form,
they chose the most beneficial,
that is three gorgeous, human females
because really hot chicks have it easy.
When they aren't busy saving the world
from all nefarious extraterrestrials,
they live in Los Angeles
as special effects and stunt experts
for Hollywood's biggest films.
They are Earth's last line of defense.
They are the Illegal Aliens.
(strange music)
(aircraft droning)
(horn honking)
(aircraft beeping)
(dramatic music)
- [Alien] Oh, I'm sorry, (mumbles).
(dramatic music continues)
I'm a pig in space!
(dramatic music continues)
I like being a pig.
I'm not just a space pig,
I'm a pig-anaut.
Power!
Woo hoo.
(dramatic music continues)
It's Earth.
- [Alien] We're finally here.
(strange music)
- [Alien] Wee!
(strange music continues)
- [Alien] Oh, I forgot this
planet had an atmosphere.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Hot, hot, hot,
burning, burning, burning.
(pig alien yelling)
(dramatic music)
(aliens yelling)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(aliens speaking alien language)
(dramatic music)
(rock music)
(light music)
- Ooh.
(light music continues)
Oh yeah.
The eagle has landed.
- Oh yes it has, my brother.
(light music continues)
Oh, how you doing ladies?
Welcome to Big T's Place.
My name is Ray.
This is my associate, Vinnie.
- Vinnie.
- If you need anything,
any little thing at all,
you just let us know.
- Let us know.
- I just wanted to say hi because
I don't think it's often that
we get such fine specimens
of the female race in here.
Ain't that right, Vinnie?
- That's right.
(light music continues)
- Ooh, I mean, you girls hot.
Oh, mommy's smoking.
Ooh, ain't that right, Vinnie.
- That's right Ray.
- You know,
girls like yous.
You don't belong in a place like this.
I mean, you belong in
Hollywood or something.
- Hollywood.
- Am I wrong, Vinnie?
- [Vinnie] You ain't wrong, Ray.
- I didn't think I was.
You're quiet too.
That's something that I like.
I'm having such a hard time
figuring out which one
of you would want first.
I mean, oh, oh, oh, things are tingling.
Damn, you Hollywood babes are fine.
- Yeah.
- But you know,
I'm a gentleman
and as they do say,
oof.
- Get it Ray.
- Gentlemen prefer blondes.
(Ray laughing)
(Vinnie laughing)
But, but, but, but,
personally, I think you're the one for me.
Ow, god.
(Vinnie groaning)
(punches thudding)
- Where is this Hollywood?
- Hollywood.
Hollywood!
(funky music)
Anna Anna glamorous Anna
Anna Nicole
Born poor in Texas
Strugglin' slavin'
Tryin' to get some fame
Then you used what you got
And that was a lot
You became a household name
Married a billionaire
So he was 88
- Yeah.
So.
Crayon.
Anna Anna glamorous Anna
Anna Nicole
Anna Anna fabulous Anna
Anna Nicole
You're so outrageous
Anna Nicole
- Hey.
- How'd it go?
- I hate night shoots.
I had to leap out of a
burning building three times
before they got it right.
And that was before
the stupid alley fight.
There's no food.
- All Lucy has to do is be herself
and they give her her own reality TV show.
- [Cameron] That's not reality.
- She looks hot.
You're so outrageous
Anna Nicole
(soft music)
(dramatic music)
(rock music)
- Yeah.
(rock music continues)
This is more like it.
(rock music continues)
(soft Italian music)
- Where's Tony?
I need him now.
(soft Italian music continues)
I said, where is Tony?!
Now listen up.
I'm in charge now.
Things are gonna be a little
different around here.
You're working for me now.
So if any of you got
something to say about that,
you better let me know now.
- Did I hear you say
that I'm working for you now?
Did you hear that boys?
We're working for my wifey now.
(all laughing)
Now.
This is why I always tell you guys,
never
get
married.
(soft Italian music continues)
Now,
why don't you go get your nails done.
Hmm?
(soft Italian music continues)
- The reason you should listen to me
is really very simple.
(gun shot fires)
Now, are there any more questions?
(soft music)
- Yeah.
- Oh, well what is that?
- Why is it we should listen to you?
(gun shot fires)
(Rex screams)
- Anyone else?
(soft music continues)
Now,
I got a new plan on how
to run things around here.
We are changing the business model.
So get ready.
(rock music)
There it is.
Move in.
(rock music continues)
(car crashes)
(rock music continues)
(man screams)
Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.
(car exploding)
(rock music continues)
Now, let's pull this in and offload.
(rock music continues)
(screaming metal music)
- What the hell?
(rock music continues)
(screaming metal music)
(timer beeping)
(van exploding)
(screaming metal music)
(alarm sounding)
(rock music continues)
- [Person On Radio] Hey Rex,
the payload has left the building.
- Yeah, great.
- [Person On Radio] Give us some time
to get the rest of the boys out.
Standby for my signal.
(rock music)
We should be clear in about 60--
(explosion booming)
(metal music)
- Man, this is just too much fun.
(light music)
- [Lucy] I'm going out.
- Where are you going looking like that?
- I'm going to to grocery store.
Like my body?
- Yeah.
Ow.
- You can't go to the grocer
store looking like that.
- Why not?
- Because she's not dressed.
- Come on, Cameron.
- Lucy, we've had this discussion before.
We are aliens on a strange planet.
We can't go around attracting
undue attention to ourselves.
- Well, I don't understand why we have
these beautiful human body forms if we.
It just doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't have to make sense.
That's just the way they
do things around here.
Now go change.
- This is bogus.
I can only change into objects
and I wanna enjoy this
body as much as possible.
- Go put some clothes on.
- Fine, Cameron.
- Geez.
- Cool.
- [Syntax] Hello girls, it's Syntax here.
May I invest the pleasure of your company?
- Sure, Syntax, we're coming.
- Hello girls.
- Hi.
- Hi, Syntax.
- I mean Syntax.
- I trust you are all being
productive members of society.
- Some of us are.
- Great,
as it is my task.
I have been monitoring all
communication channels,
data streams,
and other forms of information
from across the world.
And I've noticed a pattern
that seems particularly disturbing.
There have been a series
of high tech thefts across the country,
which take individually,
look like random acts of larceny,
a chalk transporting,
reverse electromagnetic
damping rings and trans--
- Syntax, come on, get to the point.
- It's all considered
sophisticated equipment
on this primitive sphere called Earth.
The pattern I've noticed, however,
is that there are all necessary components
needed to build a mega gravitron.
- Do humans know how to
build one of those machines?
- No, they don't, my dear.
Which leads me to the
conclusion that our culprit,
whomever it may be,
must be of alien origin.
- Any idea who?
- Sorry, I haven't yet
acquired enough information
to give an acceptable answer,
but I have calculated based
on a pattern I've seen
where the next crime will take place.
- Where are we going?
- If I'm correct, our
culprit will next strike
at the Globex research
facility in New York City.
they have recently completed
work on the McGuffin device,
which is critical in the control
of high end magnetic waves.
In fact, it's quite interesting,
the substructure interference--
- Syntax!
- Which causes many--
- Get to the point.
- Yes, quite.
Be careful girls,
whoever this is has been
completely ruthless.
This shows a high level of danger.
- Aw, Syntax, you worry too much.
We'll be careful, always--
- Yes.
Yes, quite.
(upbeat music)
(mysterious music)
(traffic humming)
(mysterious music continues)
- Gently.
Gently.
- Gently.
- It's highly volatile,
especially the way you idiot
humans put it together.
(mysterious music continues)
Excellent.
Everything's coming together.
Only a few more pieces left.
And soon,
oh, so very soon,
I will complete my mega gravitron
and the world wants tremble at my feet.
(Rex manically laughs)
(boys laughing)
- Trembling.
Trembling at feet.
- What are you doing?
- Me?
- Yes, you.
What were you doing just now?
- I was laughing.
- Yes, I saw that.
Why?
- Well, 'cause yous was laughing.
I thought, eh, it's kind of funny.
So I mean I'll, I'll laugh along too.
- Let me ask you something,
you driveling sack of carbon.
Are you the one with a master plan
to build a mega gravitron,
a device with the power
to destroy the world?
No.
That's right.
It's my idea.
So I'm the one that gets to laugh.
Got it?
- Yes.
- Great.
(gun shot fires)
- [Ray] Oh, right in the stitches.
- I'm tired of letting
the rest of you dolts
have all the fun.
I'm going after the next item myself.
Should be a gas.
(upbeat music)
- You know, this place doesn't
look like a research lab.
I thought Globex was supposed
to be this big high tech company.
- It is.
Globex owns over 30 buildings in the city.
- [Drew] Really?
- Their headquarters are downtown.
But this is where all the
real thinking goes on.
- Hmm.
- I bet there's enough gadgets
and gizmos in that place
to make the Pentagon blush.
- Hey Cameron,
I had the weirdest dream.
You were dating Justin Timberlake.
And Drew,
I dreamed that you were
just running around,
screaming ET, ET.
And the weirdest thing is,
I dreamed that I was Chinese
and I don't even like rice.
- Enough with the dream, Luc.
- I found something in the couch.
(phone beeping)
- Hello aliens, it's Syntax here.
I have new information for you.
- Okay, Syntax.
What's up with the Globex place?
There's nothing going on.
- This is the only location
of a functioning McGuffin device.
The percentages--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Hey--
- Pretty.
- Got a math problem for you.
- Oh no.
- Okay, here we go.
Part one, calculate the average number
of water droplets found in
any given Amazon rainstorm.
- Please, Drew,
now is not the time.
- Hey, this is important.
Part two, multiply by the number
of positively charged ions in this room.
- I'm the most powerful form
of artificial intelligence on this planet.
I can't be bothered with--
- Shush.
You have to do what we tell you to.
Part three.
Divide by the number of shoes found
in trash dumps across the country.
Get back to me when you've got the answer.
- Good grief.
- That oughta keep them busy for a while.
- You feeling lucky, punk?
- Lucy, what,
what are you doing?
- What does this do?
- Just turn it on baby.
(vibrator buzzing)
(explosion booms)
(dramatic music)
(Rex laughing)
(dramatic music continues)
- Who is that?
- So sorry.
- Damn.
(dramatic music continues)
That's one big girl.
- Come on, let's get her.
- She looks tough.
- Let's go.
(dramatic music continues)
- Shit.
(dramatic music continues)
What the hell is this?
- It's your getaway car.
- It's a piece of crap.
- It's a caddy.
- It's shit.
(gun shot fires)
(dramatic music)
- There's this big ol'
mean lady over there
and shot a guy in that car.
- Dammit.
(dramatic music continues)
- Change into a car Luce, come on.
- Okay.
(magical music)
(dramatic music)
- Vinnie, yeah, it's me.
I'm shot.
Yes again.
- [Cameron] That's the best you can do?
How about a nice European import?
- [Lucy] I was nervous.
- Yes, you can't miss me.
I'm wearing peach and I'm bleeding.
Goodbye.
(dramatic music)
- Nice interiors.
- [Lucy] Drew, stop it.
- Quite nice.
- [Lucy] It tickles.
- Tickles?
Tickle here?
(dramatic music continues)
- You guys, quit it.
- Who are they?
- More speed.
- All right, I got it.
- Strap yourself in.
(dramatic music)
It's time for some good
old fashioned road rage!
(dramatic music)
That was good.
(dramatic music continues)
- Pull over now.
(dramatic music continues)
- This the easy way,
or my way.
(dramatic music continues)
- [Drew] Look out.
(dramatic music continues)
- This chick drives worse than (mumbles).
(dramatic music continues)
- [Lucy] This funny when
you shift like that.
- Sorry Lucy, but I gotta stop here.
She's getting away.
(dramatic music continues)
(horn honking)
(dramatic music continues)
- Uh oh.
(dramatic music continues)
- All right already.
Off of me.
- You should be happy we didn't
have anything in the trunk.
She's making a run for it.
- Be right there girls.
I'm a little
kinda
outta
breath.
- At least she had her own airbags.
You know what I mean?
(dramatic music)
- Dammit.
- Hold it right there.
- So if I'm not mistaken,
you are the Illegal Aliens.
- Yes, and what's it to you?
- Which one of you goes
by the name of Cameron?
- How did you know?
- Cameron, such a pretty name.
Look at the body.
Woo.
Although as you can see,
I didn't do too shabby either.
- Who the hell are you?
- What?
You don't recognize me?
Well, I'm really disappointed.
After all that time we spent together.
After you arrested me,
after you sentenced me
to life imprisonment
on Benalstro Seven.
How could you forget?
- Rex?
- That's right.
- But you had a life sentence.
- Well, I guess I escaped.
You know what they do to you in lock up?
(soft music)
They take your body away.
They take away everything but your mind.
(soft music continues)
Can't feel anything.
Pleasure or pain.
(soft music continues)
This is a great big emptiness.
Do you know what you sent me to?
- What do you want?
- What do I want?
I want what you want.
What everyone back home wants.
I'm gonna save our world.
I've got a plan, and when I'm through,
they will forget about all
the unpleasantness in the past
and I will be remembered as a savior.
- Ha, fat chance.
We're taking you in
- We're taking you in.
- Freeze.
All right, nobody move.
- Who the hell are you?
- Name is Valentine, sweetheart.
Agent Valentine, immigration.
- Oh, back off, she's coming with us.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I've been watching you girls for a while.
This country doesn't need
Illegal Aliens like you
stealing our jobs, using
our healthcare facilities.
Take, take, take.
Well, I'm sending you back to
wherever it is you came from.
Where's the blonde?
- [Drew] Well, it took you long enough.
- Thanks, Lucy, but we have--
(dramatic music)
Dammit.
- I'm sorry.
- Why?
- You'll be okay.
(dramatic music)
- Come on, bitches.
(dramatic music continues)
- Rex is taking the bus.
- He's stealing it.
Lucy, I need you to turn into
another car or something.
(dramatic music continues)
- But Cammy, I'm really
tapped from before.
- You know, what, forget that.
Follow me, I have an idea.
(dramatic music continues)
- Excuse me, Mr. Bus Driver,
there's been an accident.
This old lady, she got run over.
My boss, I think.
I think I saw blood.
Call 9-1-1.
- Drew, tell me you know how
to drive one of these things.
- Oh sure, of course I do.
- Are we going for a ride?
(metal crashing)
(Rex mumbles)
- Jerk, I had the right of way.
- Wee, bumper cars.
(lively music)
Sorry I have to say
- Damn.
- Look out!
(metal crashing)
You have a lot of explaining to do.
- Sorry, car.
(breaks squealing)
(Rex growls)
(rock music)
- Ready for another car.
(dramatic music continues)
- Yay, this is fun.
- [Cameron] Could you be more careful.
- Hey, you wanna drive?
- Yes, I would.
- Well you can't.
So sit back.
Besides, you're supposed to
be behind the white line.
- Oh god.
To going back to eyes again
And wipe the excess from your sin
Why are you
- Pull over.
- I don't think so.
- Pull
this bus over.
(Rex yelling indistinctly)
- I said move.
(metal crashing)
I now you
I know you run to
- This (mumbles).
Isu.
I have a
speech impediment.
Hit that.
She smashed my lips.
(Valentine mumbling)
- Look out.
(rock music)
Drew, we're supposed to
be protecting humanity,
not killing them off one by one.
(upbeat music)
- I don't feel so good.
(upbeat music continues)
- That
is a United States post office.
(Rex screaming)
(upbeat music continues)
That's a federal offense.
(horn blaring)
- Drew.
- What?
- That train is awfully close.
I know you're lying
- Look out for the train.
I know you're blind sometimes, but
- What's a train?
- A train
is a piece of multi-car vehicles
traveling along tracks.
- It's too close.
- [Drew] We can make it.
- Too--
(all screaming)
I know you're not that stupid
I know you're not that stupid
- Dammit.
- We could have made it.
- Whatever.
- Can we go home now?
(bell dinging)
(lively music)
My stomach hurts.
- I need a beer.
- Honey, what's wrong?
- I gotta pee.
- So then go pee.
- Hmm?
To pee or not to pee?
That is the question.
I think I'll pee.
- Use the toilet this time.
- [Lucy] Okay.
- You and Rex seemed all
buddy buddy out there.
What's the scoop?
- [Cameron] It's involved.
(Lucy peeing)
- Lucy, would you shut the door please?
- [Lucy] I'm sorry.
(Lucy continues peeing)
- It all started when I
was back at the academy.
I met this young scientist named
Rex Scinto Quanto Tallonstar Quire.
If you're not a double tongue snorkeling,
Rex.
And we started a relationship.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't know you ever went for chicks.
That's so hot.
- Back then, Rex was not a girl.
Rex was a guy.
(Lucy farting)
(water rushing)
- Lucy, what are you
doing, taking a shower?
- He was working with
the scientific bureau.
He was working on a
solution for the Toron Star.
(water dripping)
- Finally.
(Lucy farting)
(water rushing)
- But then it was discovered
that there was nothing you could do
to keep the star from expiring.
Instead of integration with Earth,
Rex joined a group that
starting a hostile takeover.
- Got to be kidding.
(Lucy farting)
- I knew how he felt
and I didn't approve.
I thought it just talk
until I discovered
that he and his group
were actually gonna
put a plan into effect.
I told the authorities,
and they arrested him,
and put him in prison.
But I didn't do anything
until Syntax--
(Lucy farting)
Again.
- [Lucy] What's that--
- Syntax, I forgot.
I should tell him
to stop working on the
rain drop forest thing.
(Lucy farting)
- [Lucy] Toilet's full.
What do I do now?
(excrement dripping)
(Lucy laughing)
(funky music)
(Rex screaming)
- [Rex] Hey there.
- Hey, how you doing?
- What's up?
- Don't you guys just love having a body,
what crazy stuff you can feel.
It's so awesome, don't you think?
- Yeah, sure.
- Just love it so much.
Watch this.
(flesh squelching)
(Rex screaming)
- It hurts so good.
God, I love it.
You wanna try?
- No.
No thanks.
- I'll pass.
- [Rex] You sure?
- Yeah, yeah.
Maybe next time.
- Suit yourself.
You ready to go?
- Yeah, the plane's all packed.
Everyone's ready.
- Great.
We live in five minutes.
I'll be out in a sec.
(flesh squelching)
(Rex yelling)
- Let's just--
- Hey,
one of you guys got a cigarette?
- Despite my distraction,
I've managed to accumulate
all the data I need
to discover where Rex will strike next.
There's only one piece
left she needs to acquire
to complete her mega gravitron.
It is most important
that you prevent her
from getting her hands
on a colliding synchrotron.
- Whatever that is.
- I've scoured all databases
and information channels
and it seems that there is only one
colliding synchrotron in the world.
It is in the possession
of the reclusive scientist who built it.
He goes by the name of Max Sperling.
- He's kind of cute.
- [Drew] You think he's cute?
- Yeah.
What do you think, Lucy?
- Cute is as cute does.
- Girls, please.
Now, information suggests
that Max is currently
living in rural Montana.
There's no telling how close
Rex is to obtaining Max
and his machine, but you
must get to him first.
There's no time to waste girls.
- Wait, wait, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
- There's somebody else that
we should be looking for.
- Whom might that be?
- [Cameron] Yeah, who?
- What's the last name?
Yeah, Feltersnatch,
And the first name was Howie.
- I'm searching database listings now.
Cannot seem to find Howie Feltersnatch.
- Ha, I got ya.
- Yes, yes it appears that you have.
How amusing.
- I don't get it
(rock music)
- [Drew] Keanu?
- [Cameron] Yeah.
- You like Keanu Reeves?
- He's got that nerdy thing going on.
I like that.
(upbeat music)
- What about you toots?
What do you like?
- I like someone big and
strong like Superman.
And I like someone who's very funny.
- Knock, knock.
- And I also like a deep voice.
- Knock, knock.
- What the?
- Who's there?
- Thought you could ditch me, huh?
Well, Agent Valentine of immigration
will not be dismissed so lightly.
- You back there this whole time?
- That's right.
I always get my man,
or in this particular case, my women,
even if I have to remain
motionless under a blanket
in a luggage compartment of
a small aircraft for 10 hours
without the benefit of food,
water, or a potty break.
- Ew, I thought I smelled
something back there.
- Very funny.
You girls are slippery.
You're good.
Smooth.
Hiding all over the country.
I really like that.
- Actually, we're trying to
save the world, dickhead.
- Yeah, so back off creep.
Give me the gun.
- No, I'm never gonna give you--
(Valentine's head banging)
- Knock it off back there.
You want me to crash into a mountain?
Okay, you hear me?
- Give me the gun.
- No.
(Valentine's head banging)
(Valentine groaning)
- The gun, now.
- Hey, can't you save the world
without hurting dickhead?
- What are we gonna do now?
It's not like we can take him with us.
- I have an idea.
(funky music)
- [Valentine] Bad idea, bad idea.
(funky music continues)
- He's falling pretty fast.
- [Valentine] What happened to the clouds?
Where's that (mumbles)?
- See ya, dickhead.
(funky music continues)
- [Valentine] Oh, thank you lord.
(funky music continues)
- Good thinking, toots.
- Thank you, Drew.
(funky music continues)
- This is a spectacular view.
Hey, I miss this guy.
It must've been all that head trauma.
Oh no, ground.
(funky music continues)
Oh.
(funky music continues)
Three
bitches.
I'll never let 'em--
(funky music continues)
- Max's place should be right around here.
- I got the hiccups.
- Try holding your breath, honey.
(upbeat music)
(Lucy hiccups)
There it is.
Hmm, busted.
- Didn't work.
(Lucy screams)
(Lucy hiccups)
- Why?
- 'Cause I wanted to scare myself.
(upbeat music continues)
- Stop horsing around.
(upbeat music continues)
Hello?
Anybody home?
Max.
Max, you here?
- I can't get rid of my hiccups.
- Try pounding water honey.
(Lucy hiccups)
- I don't have any water.
(mysterious music)
- It's quiet.
(Lucy hiccups)
Too quiet.
- You didn't say that.
(Lucy hiccups)
(mysterious music continues)
- Don't be hating.
(suspenseful music)
Does anyone know where the glasses are?
- Shh, hold on.
I hear something.
(suspenseful music continues)
There's a fork in the microwave!
Get out!
(dramatic music)
Come on!
(dramatic music continues)
(explosion booms)
- [Drew] The old fork
in the microwave trick.
I should've known.
- Girls, be careful.
I think Rex may have
booby trapped Max's barn.
- Thanks, Syntax.
We'll be sure to look out that.
- Yes, quite.
Anyway, I've discovered
that Rex has captured Max
and his colliding syncrotron.
They're heading south in the highway.
If you hurry, you can catch them.
- Okay Lucy, you heard that.
We need to get airborne.
So make with the transforming.
- Well, what do you want me to be?
- How about a
helicopter?
- Yeah, yeah, a helicopter.
- Oh, no, no.
I can't be a helicopter.
- Yeah, yeah, you can.
- Yeah you can.
- Just concentrate.
- Come on baby.
You can do it.
You can do it.
- No,
no, I can't.
That's way too hard.
- It'll get rid of your hiccups.
- [Drew] That's right.
- Yeah, it always does.
- Everybody knows that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Trust me.
- Well, okay.
Okay.
(magical music)
How'd I do?
You're right, girls.
Turning into a helicopter
did get rid of my hiccups.
- Beautiful.
(upbeat music)
(Drew shouting)
- Climb.
Go.
(upbeat music)
- There's nothing that can stop me now.
(upbeat music continues)
- I've been meaning to
ask you something lately.
I mean, we've all been
working really hard.
I just thought that
maybe you could think about, maybe.
- Yeah, what's that?
- I, I, I, I thought nothing.
- Sure.
Sure you don't wanna ask me something?
- Yes, no, I, no, no, no,
there's no question.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- [Lucy] We're in my air space.
(upbeat music continues)
- There they are.
- I see 'em.
(upbeat music continues)
All right, Lucy, you ready for this?
- [Lucy] Let's do this thing.
- [Drew] Okay, here we go.
(Lucy singing)
- [Lucy] Wee.
(explosion booms)
- Suck this.
- What the hell is going on?
(trucks crashing)
- Did you see that?
- Someone tell me what
the hell is going on?
- Wait, be careful.
Max is in there.
- Don't ruin it for me.
- [Lucy] Boom.
- What is that?
- Loo.
(brakes squealing)
- Gotta get outta this thing.
Max is in there.
- Already?
- [Lucy] What do you mean this thing?
I'm Lucy.
- I'm sorry Lucy.
I'm just really worried about Max.
(upbeat music continues)
- Hold it.
Stay right there.
(punches thudding)
(upbeat music continues)
- [Henchman] Who the hell are you?
(punches thudding)
- Are you okay?
- Why?
- I'm here to rescue you,
and to get (mumbles).
- All by yourself?
- I have friends.
You just have to trust me.
- The syncrotron's overheating.
It must've (mumbles) explosion.
It's gonna blow.
- We gotta go.
(dramatic music)
- [Lucy] Let's get outta here
before that thing blows!
- He said it's gonna blow.
Come on.
Go.
(upbeat music)
(explosion booms)
Are you okay, doctor?
- Yes.
Yes, I think so.
(fire rumbling)
- At least Rex won't get a hold of it now.
(helicopter whirring)
Lucy.
Lucy, get us outta here.
(fire rumbling)
(helicopter whirring)
- [Rex] What the?
(fire rumbling)
(helicopter whirring)
- Oh, brother.
Oh my god.
Oh.
I'm alive.
I'm alive.
Breathe that fresh air.
Look at that beautiful blue sky.
Do you hear that?
Those are birds chirping.
Oh my God.
There's so much life
surrounding me right now.
When I woke up this morning,
I never thought that I
would be shot 17 times,
flip over in a trunk and still be here.
But I am.
Thank you big JC.
No more Big Rex.
No more Big Tony.
I give my life to you.
I'm your henchman now.
Whatever you need, I'm here.
Oh yeah.
(slaps crack)
Thank you, God.
Thank you for allowing
me to live on this day
and kiss this woman
and touch myself.
(gun shots firing)
(tense music)
- I'm not through with
you yet, Illegal Aliens.
I'm not through with you!
(birds chirping)
- I've been driven hard and put up wet.
- We're sorry for you
colliding syncrotron.
- Yeah, that was my bad.
Anybody want a beer?
- Sorry Max, my aim was off.
My arms were tired.
- That's all right.
I'm alive, aren't I?
And besides, it was an old model.
I, I'm already figuring
out how to build one
with 7.5% more capacity.
- Oh good.
- Yeah.
So
who are you?
- We're the Illegal Aliens,
a team of super agent extraterrestrials
here to protect Earth from
all who seek to o it harm.
- We're also the best stunt
coordinators in Hollywood.
Don't forget that part.
- Oh, I see.
So what are we doing here?
- I, we're gonna
look after you for a while.
- Good.
(rock music)
- Is that a fuel injected
supercharged 1969 350 Chevy?
- Max and I are gonna go grab a bite.
- Oh, great.
I'm starved.
- Actually, it's just me and Max.
Two steps in the bar tonight
- [Max] This baby is cherry.
- You two crazy kids go have fun.
My mind, my
- Awesome.
- You better bring her back by midnight
or I'll shove this up your--
- Drew, be quiet.
- I'm just kidding.
- I'm hungry, let's go.
(rock music continues)
(soft music)
- This smells really good.
- Yeah. .
If there's one thing that I love
about being in the human form,
it's eating.
- I know what you mean.
- I think if I could,
I would spend the entire day eating.
I mean, pizza,
burgers, chips.
Nacho, I love nachos.
- Whoa.
You're serious?
- Uh huh.
Why would I lie?
- It's just more than once,
I've been on a first date with a girl
and you order a great meal
and then the food comes.
She's not even hungry.
- I'm always hungry.
(soft music continues)
Well remember Max, I'm not actually human.
I've just shifted into the human form.
And our metabolisms are like
10,000 times faster than you humans.
- Oh.
So you probably eat a
lot on your planet too.
- [Cameron] We don't eat.
- How do you nourish yourselves?
- We lay down on a pile
of organic minerals,
excrete slime, and absorb
them through our skin.
- Oh.
- You wanna try?
(soft music continues)
So what do you think
about like a banana split?
- Yeah, desserts, that's great.
Oh, the X9-3000.
- What?
- Oh, I invented those.
- You did?
- In high school.
Shop class.
- Wow, that's impressive.
- Thanks.
(car beeping)
(car exploding)
(mysterious music)
(explosion booms)
- [Drew] Hey Lucy, you're
done with your nap.
Hey, you wanna take her
up Moholland, let her rip?
Lucy?
(footsteps approaching)
Lucy?
(flesh squelching)
- You three have been
one big pain in my ass.
Taking just about as
much as I could stand.
You're starting to piss me off.
Is that a 350?
Sweet.
- Hello?
Cameron.
Are you home already?
(mysterious music)
- So you must be Syntax.
- Rex?
No you stay away from me.
- How very nice to make your acquaintance.
Sorry.
But this is gonna mega hurt.
- Please, please, don't.
Not the bicep.
(machinery crashing)
Just as many grounds of decaf.
Just as tasty as--
No, no, please.
(electricity snapping)
(uneasy music)
- CPU later.
(uneasy music)
- Hello?
(uneasy music continues)
Anybody?
Oh no.
Lucy, Drew?
- In here.
I'm here, get me out.
- Drew?
- [Drew] I'm here.
- Drew.
- I'm in the trunk.
- Oh my god.
What happened?
- I got jumped from behind.
It took me forever to heal, that bitch.
Whoa, looks like you had fun on your date.
- There was an explosion.
- Really?
He looks so nerdy.
- Rex's guys took Max.
- Where's Lucy?
- [Syntax] Rex took her.
- Syntax.
(uneasy music)
Syntax, what happened?
- Rex tried to destroy me.
- Where's Lucy and Max?
Where did Rex take them?
- I can't.
I need repairs.
- Can't.
These systems are scrambled.
- I feel funny, Dave.
- We have to repair him.
It's our only hope.
- I don't know the first
thing about computers.
What am I supposed to with all this mess?
- And you think I do?
At least we have to try.
- Dave's not here, man.
- Okay, Syntax, show us what to do.
- I will show you.
(uneasy music)
- Lucy.
Lucy.
- [Director] And cue fart.
- Lucy, wake up, come on.
- [Director] Fart please.
Lucy.
- Where's the fart?
- You know what?
Untie me.
- Oh, come on, what's wrong Anna?
- Look, I'll do anything for a laugh,
but this doesn't make sense.
You didn't show me getting kidnapped.
Was my getting kidnapped not important?
- [Director] This is fucking great.
- Who do I have to screw`
to get off this movie?!
- [Men] Yes.
Woo hoo.
- Oh, okay, people.
People, people, please,
can we try one.
- Maybe she could burp instead of--
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
Anna, can we please just try this?
I won't put it in the movie, I promise.
Okay?
All right, love you babe.
Mark it.
And get those cheeks tight.
Give me a nice squeaker, Anna.
And action.
- Lucy.
(Lucy farts)
Lucy, wake up.
Lucy.
(Lucy farting)
(Lucy laughing)
- I farted.
Aren't you smelling it?
(soft music)
Where are we?
- Rex kidnapped us.
We're in some kind of lair or something.
- Oh no.
- Hey quick, transform into something
and get us out of here.
- I wouldn't try that if I were you.
I don't think you'd make it very far.
I'm so glad you finally come to.
Now we can get started.
- Well Drew and Cameron
are on their way here
and they're gonna be really pissed.
And you're just a big bully anyway.
- Oh see, I don't think so.
I had a little conversation
with your friend Syntax
and well, I don't think
he'll be telling them much.
So I'm not gonna let you go.
And besides, I need you two
in order to complete my plan.
You see the Illegal Aliens and myself,
we're both working towards the same cause.
- That's impossible.
- It's very impossible.
- Actually, it's not.
It's a very sad story, Max.
I think you'll find it interesting.
The Illegal Aliens and myself
all hail from the same planet.
One not unlike Earth.
Unfortunately, the star
around which our planet orbits
is running on a fuel.
There's not much time left.
So we then set our probes out into space
to find another suitable star
around which our planet could orbit.
We found your sun.
However, there's only a
very small habitable band,
which is occupied by
the Earth and your moon.
So I'm building a mega gravitron.
It's a very powerful device
by Earth's standards,
although fairly commonplace
where I come from.
I'm going to use it to drag
your moon into the Earth,
thereby obliterating both planets.
The leading council on our
planet will have no choice
but to move our home world here
and take its rightful place.
Bask in the glorious warming
race of your yellow sun
for at least another billion years.
No longer will I be known as a criminal.
No longer will I be an
outcast from my own world.
No longer.
I will be a savior to my people
I will lead them to a new age of glory.
I will be remembered forever.
- You are crazy.
- Maybe, but I'm gonna win.
- I already blowed up
that big old machine.
- Yes, that's true.
But then I noticed something,
something about you, Lucy.
You have an incredible power.
You can turn into most anything.
You Lucy,
you are going to become
my colliding synchrotron.
You are going to power my mega gravitron.
And Max,
you're gonna ensure
that it works properly.
- I won't.
I won't do it.
- And I won't either.
- How brave and noble of you.
But I already figured
that would be the case.
So I have something
a little special
just for the occasion.
- What is it?
Some kind of mind control serum.
- Yeah, what?
- Oh no, no.
It's much better.
Mind control suppositories.
(dramatic music)
Oh, I don't think we'll
be using that today.
(dramatic music continues)
- Connect the two.
No.
- No, no, no, no.
It's the other connector.
- I'm doing it.
- A bit lower.
- The other one.
- How's that Syntax?
Better or worse?
- No, that's worse.
- Dammit.
- I told you it was the other connector.
(tense music)
(uneasy music)
- How are you feeling?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
- Excellent.
Now Lucy,
take the form of the colliding synchrotron
and connect yourself
to the power coupling.
Get her down to the quarry.
- Why don't you just command
her to go down to the quarry?
I mean, 'cause she's got like
that suppository thing in her
and that's like making her not.
Oh yeah, all right, sure.
I like your butterfly.
I got one on my back.
All right, let's go, sorry,
- Max,
you'll be here at the control console.
Sit.
And operate.
(tense music continues)
(machines beeping)
(machine whirring)
- Systems are engaged.
Power is in the green.
- Now set target.
The moon.
(tense music)
(machine beeping)
- All right.
Okay.
Do your thing.
(magical music)
(machine whirring)
- Ready.
- Power on.
(tense music continues)
(mega gravitron beaming)
Excellent.
It's a matter of time now.
(tense music continues)
(mega gravitron whirring)
- I don't know if the--
- Am I getting closer?
- Oh, that better.
- Okay, Drew, go get me some pliers.
- I'm on.
- Go.
- Don't touch my dongle.
- [Radio Host] Numerous reports
across the planet.
Reports of volcanoes, record high tides
on the northeastern coastline
have claimed acres of
homes and countless lives
and killer tornadoes--
- We're getting reports
from all over the globe now,
mass panic and hysteria in the streets.
Authorities urge everyone,
everyone to stay indoors.
Please do not panic.
The situation will only be made worse.
Wait.
Is this, is this right?
It appears as though the
moon is on a collision course
with the Earth.
Wait, we have a live feed now.
Some sort of gravitational
shift is to blame.
Scientists are unsure what is causing it.
- Rex.
- Drew, hurry up.
I need those pliers.
(dramatic music)
- That's better.
- Cammy, Cammy,
we're in trouble.
- I know that.
Gimme the pliers.
- It's Rex.
She's got control of the mega graviton.
- Almost there.
- She's gonna crash the
moon into the Earth.
- Almost there.
- She's going to destroy the planet!
- Perfect.
Perfect.
- We got it.
Checking systems.
Hello girls.
- Syntax.
- Oh shit.
I saw like Carrie Grant now.
- Rex got control of the mega graviton.
He's trying to crash
the moon into the Earth.
- Yes, yes.
I'm searching.
Searching.
(light music)
Here it is,
a large energy surge
coming from a small lush island
on the coast of Nova Scotia.
I can see the mega gravitron.
It's a the the bottom of a large,
deep, glistening ridge quarry,
shielding it from previous scans.
Girls, you have a hurry.
(dramatic music)
(people shouting)
(mega gravitron whirring)
- Soon.
Soon.
The end is here.
Now, what is it now?
- Well,
me and Vinnies, we was
talking about your plan.
You know how you're gonna
crash the moon into the Earth?
- Yeah.
What of it?
- Won't that destroy the planet?
- Well, that's the point.
(mega gravitron whirring)
- So, won't that kill us all?
- Yes, I suppose it will.
Do you have a problem with that?
- No, it's just, I mean
you, you don't have a plan
to take us off the planet
before the Earth hits the moon?
- No, I guess I don't.
Tell you the truth, I
never thought that far.
- So then we're doomed,
all of us.
- I said yes.
- Okay, I was just checking.
(mega gravitron whirring)
(tense music)
(upbeat music)
- So were you and Rex
girlfriend and boyfriend?
Or was it, you know, like a
booty call kind of situation?
- Drop it already.
- [Syntax] Hello girls, it's Syntax.
My appears of analysis here is,
come on (mumbles).
(Syntax laughing)
- [Drew] That's why we need Haywood.
Last name, Gabloney.
- Haywood Gabloney?
(Drew laughing)
- [Drew] Gotcha.
- Bitches.
- Guys, stop.
Would you focus.
- God, a headache.
But strangely,
you is a martini.
(upbeat music)
- [Gumba] Pilot to
princess, this is Gumba.
Do you read?
There's a helicopter
approaching the island.
It's not one of ours.
Over.
- Dammit.
I should've expected as much.
- [Gumba] They're preparing to land.
Do you want us to take them out?
- No, no they'd only
kick your butts anyway.
I've arranged some very
special friends to meet them.
- [Gumba] Roger that.
Gumba out.
(upbeat music continues)
(Rex and friends speaking alien language)
- Illegal Aliens.
(friends speaking alien language)
That'll take care of it.
- How far are we now, Syntax?
- [Syntax] Well, not far.
I show an energy search coming
from just past those bluff.
- Great.
- Hold on.
I'm picking up some very
strange heat signatures
in your vicinity.
(alien bugs snarling)
(dramatic music)
- What do you mean?
- Cameron?
- [Syntax] Hard to say.
- Which way?
- Cameron.
- [Syntax] Toward you, I'd say--
- Cameron!
(alien bug snarling)
- All right, that's bad.
- I think I found your
heat signature, Syntax.
- Oh.
I seem to have developed
a taste for lager.
(dramatic music)
Anna Anna glamorous Anna
Anna Nicole
(dramatic music)
Born poor in Texas
(dramatic music continues)
- Have you ever seen things like that?
- Not really.
- So you don't know how to deal with them?
- Not really.
- Okay, just checking.
(alien bug snarling)
Sit.
Ooh.
- Oh yeah, that works.
(alien bug growling)
- Hey, why don't we play dead.
(alien bugs snarling)
(dramatic music)
(Drew mumbles)
(dramatic music)
- Hey girls,
can I finish the line?
(dramatic music continues)
I'm not with immigration.
Home Land Security.
We knew about you the day you landed.
We were hoping you'd lead us to this day.
(explosions boom)
Good job.
Thought you might need some help,
so I brought along some friends.
(explosions booming)
All teams, take these motherfuckers out.
Take care of these guys.
You go an stop that mega gravitron.
- Will do, Valentine.
(hopeful music)
- Let's go kick some spidy butt.
Team one, attack.
(person on radio mumbles)
(dramatic music)
(people screaming)
(dramatic music continues)
(funky music)
- That's it.
That must be the control room.
I bet Rex is controlling Max somehow.
- But where's Lucy?
- I don't know.
- I wanna find her and tear her--
- No, no, no.
There are wise guys all over this place.
And I bet there's more
in the control room.
I'll take Rex.
You find that thing, shut it down.
Find Max.
(funky music continues)
- [Drew] Hi.
I heard today was your birthday.
I'm from Strippers Unlimited.
Happy birthday
(funky music continues)
- [Vinnie] Bitch on wheels.
- She doesn't have a plan.
- I got a family at home.
We can't blow up the world.
- I got a cat.
- Yeah, I like Mr. Whiskers.
- Yeah, he's okay.
Well, I mean, what do you wanna do?
You wanna save the world?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I wanna save the world.
- What, you serious?
- Yes.
- Okay, alright.
I guess the first thing we're gonna do
is get a blondie outta the machine.
- How are we gonna do that?
- Start pressing buttons.
(funky music continues)
- Sorry lady, I'd like to fight you,
but it's the end of my shift.
Have a nice day.
(machinery droning)
(funky music)
- Hello?
Hi.
I'm so sorry.
I always get so lost
every time I come here.
Is this where the mega
gravitron control room is?
(funky music continues)
You boys want some of me?
(funky music continues)
- [Henchman] Hey.
Hey, hey.
Oh, oh.
There's a girl in here killing everyone.
Ah, I think it's one
of them Illegal Aliens.
(men screaming)
- Just hold them off a little longer.
I'm so close.
(men screaming)
- [Henchman] I'll see what I can do, but
she got me.
No.
Oh, but I think I'm gonna make it.
Oh, she's hitting me with a hockey stick.
Oh god.
Oh, my shit's broken.
I'll never played tennis again.
Oh why.
Oh no.
Oh, now she's got a chainsaw.
Where'd she get a chainsaw?
Oh please, no more,
I surrender.
I'm no longer any threat to you.
There's no need to punish me further.
(chainsaw whirring)
So much blood.
Who knew?
Oh.
(henchman mumbles)
Oh, now she's standing on
my chest with her foot.
She takes sick pleasure in my pain.
Why?
I didn't know a human body could feel this
amount of discomfort,
I just didn't think it was--
(things crashing)
Oh.
Oh, what's that?
You'll stop?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I will tell tales of you to my children.
They will know of your mercy.
God, you lying.
(henchman screaming)
(funky music)
(dramatic music)
(Drew snaps)
- What?
You've never seen a strong woman before?
Snap out of it.
- The horror.
The horror!
- Come on, you're coming with me.
(funky music)
(people screaming)
- Well, it may be over.
I don't know.
But I can tell you this.
The rumors that you've heard,
scurrilous rumors about me,
some were true.
The one with the cat, no.
But I did once Love a man.
(dramatic music)
(mega gravitron shutting down)
- Why's my poopy hole sore?
- Oh, the blonde one.
- Nobody sticks a missile in Lucy's butt
and gets away with it.
(punches thudding)
(Rex screams)
(dramatic music)
- You bitch.
- [Lucy] Evil.
(dramatic music continues)
- Lucy.
Lucy.
Lucy, I got her.
Lucy!
Goddammit.
(dramatic music continues)
Lucy.
- I think it was good, huh.
(dramatic music)
(women yelling)
(hopeful music)
- [Aide] Mr. President, the Illegal Aliens
have saved the planet once again.
- [President] We no longer reconsider
our Immigration policy.
(hopeful music continues)
(Big Ben ringing)
(people cheering)
(lively music)
(fireworks exploding)
- Oh, come on baby.
You're so close.
- Forget it.
I only said I would do it if
the world was coming to an end.
And it's better now.
- But we,
we could just try.
Shit.
(rock music)
- Ooh, look at this.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Should we help them?
- No, no, no, they can
take care of themselves.
Trust me.
Ooh.
(upbeat music)
That's a new one.
(Drew laughing)
(Cameron screaming)
- You bitch.
(upbeat music continues)
- This is getting very weird.
(upbeat music continues)
- Yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna call my agent.
This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna--
- You got an agent?
- No.
I'm just kidding with you.
- I don't even have.
- Well, you wanna get a beer or something?
- Sure.
- Yeah, let's go.
(women screaming)
- Ooh.
- I just wanna let you guys know
that we're going that
we're quitting the picture,
we're gonna have a beer
if you wanna join us, okay, have fun.
- Have you guys got any weed?
- You're ruining me.
(lively music)
(Rex screaming)
(electricity snapping)
- Yeah, woo hoo.
(tense music)
(mega graviton humming)
(Rex screaming)
- Burn bitch, burn.
- The mega gravitron's
circuits are overloading.
It's gonna blow.
- Is it?
- Every good movie ends with an explosion.
(Rex screaming)
- Let's get out of here.
(tense music)
(Rex screaming)
(explosion booms)
(soft music)
(Syntax beams)
- Well, it's obvious this
film has gone to hell.
(funky music)
- [Director] Hey, hey, where
you going, where you going?
You haven't finished the movie.
(funky music continues)
You haven't done the last scene.
Come on, just do the last scene.
- Come on.
(upbeat music)
- [Director] Do digital or something.
I need the scene.
- Okay.
- [Director] Action.
- Good job guys.
Once again, we've defeated
a nefarious alien
and we saved the world.
Good job.
- Woo hoo.
- Hooray, hooray, hooray.
- Lucy, I'm so glad you're safe.
- I bet.
(upbeat music continues)
- How about the kiss?
Come here.
- Oh.
- I'm in love with an alien.
- Who?
- You.
- Me?
- Good work, girls.
Once again,
you've proven yourself
worthy citizens.
The world is safe.
thanks to you three
and myself.
And I hope,
that's, that's mine,
that's my shirt.
That's not wardrobe.
Hope we meet again in the future
so the world could be a safer pla--
- [Director] Okay, can
somebody break them up?
(upbeat music continues)
And that's a wrap.
(upbeat music continues)
(people cheering)
(rock music)
Come and get your poison
The streets are calling you right now
Topical infection
And the sensation pulls you down
Well it's a sic society
It's going to my head
It's a sick society
And I feel sick again
(rock music continues)
All the pretty pictures
Our finest moments in an hour
Pitiful depictions
Was it beautiful before
Well it's a sick society
It's going to my head
It's a sick society
And I feel sick again
(rock music continues)
Come and get your poison
Can you swallow it somehow
Well it's a sick society
It's going to my head
It's a sick society
But we're not buried yet
It's a sick society
It's going to my head
It's a sick society
And I feel sick again
(rock music continues)
And I feel sick again
(upbeat music)
(baby crying)
- [Director] Take plane,
and action.
- Even if I have to remain motionless
under a blanket
in the luggage compartment
of a small aircraft
for 10 hours without the benefit of food,
water, or potty break.
- Ugh.
I want to be free, yeah
- Smells.
Are all minor reasons
- Very funny.
(Drew laughing)
And I walk
- I'm trying to save the world, dickhead.
When I want to be free, I just
Of all minor reasons
- You had a glow gun on Crystal Meth?
- Yeah.
- I've heard about his fake hair.
(Cameron laughing)
Walking down
- All my life, everybody keeps doubting
everything I do.
Is it real, is it real?
She can't do that.
She can't do anything.
And now look at me.
Look what I'm doing.
I'm flying a plane, dammit.
I can do anything.
Remember we'll get there
- Where are you going like that?
(upbeat music continues)
When I want to be free
- Smell it.
I just let go
Of all minor reasons
- Rex's guys took Max.
- Where's Lucy?
Horizons
And I walk
(people laughing)
- You're doing great.
When I want to be free
I just let go
Of all minor reasons
Then I see the road to the horizon
And I walk in that direction
- Where's, where's Lucy?
Where's Max?
Where did Rex take them?
(all laughing)
- Can we start over?
- Hello, my name is Joanie
and I'll be your flight
attendant this afternoon.
If there is loss of cabin air pressure,
just breathe heavily.
- I think I know how it works.
(Anna Nicole screaming)
- I can't mess up.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to mess up for you.
It's really hard for me to mess up.
(upbeat music continues)
- [Drew] Keanu Reeves?
(upbeat music continues)
(both laughing)
- You fucking skank.
I'm getting attacked.
Patrick.
- Yeah?
(people laughing)
What?
- Get down there again.
(upbeat music continues)
- [Director] There's
nothing you won't do, baby.
Thank you so much.
(upbeat music continues)
So look up and you'll
see that clear horizon
You want to find a way
To get to that place where you know
You will be free
Sing it with me, yeah
When I want to
(dramatic music)
(alien bug screeching)
- Finished.
- What?
I'm shooting a movie, John.
- I said, are you finished?
- [Director] This is the ending.
- Turn the camera off, all right, come on.
- [Director] Oh, come on.
- Turn it off.
- Fine.
(reel spinning)
(people chattering)
- [Person] Shh.
Shh.
(reel spinning)
- [Announcer] Earth.
It's a tiny blue sphere
in the inky black depths of space,
vulnerable and alone.
Its primary inhabits, humans,
are wholly unprepared to defend themselves
from a myriad of evil aliens
who seek to do them harm.
Seeing this, intergalactic (mumbles)
covertly inserted three
shape-shifting agents.
Aided by the super-holographic
mainframe computer
known as Syntax,
they're in constant alert
for all threatening activities.
(strange music)
Capable of taking any form,
they chose the most beneficial,
that is three gorgeous, human females
because really hot chicks have it easy.
When they aren't busy saving the world
from all nefarious extraterrestrials,
they live in Los Angeles
as special effects and stunt experts
for Hollywood's biggest films.
They are Earth's last line of defense.
They are the Illegal Aliens.
(strange music)
(aircraft droning)
(horn honking)
(aircraft beeping)
(dramatic music)
- [Alien] Oh, I'm sorry, (mumbles).
(dramatic music continues)
I'm a pig in space!
(dramatic music continues)
I like being a pig.
I'm not just a space pig,
I'm a pig-anaut.
Power!
Woo hoo.
(dramatic music continues)
It's Earth.
- [Alien] We're finally here.
(strange music)
- [Alien] Wee!
(strange music continues)
- [Alien] Oh, I forgot this
planet had an atmosphere.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Hot, hot, hot,
burning, burning, burning.
(pig alien yelling)
(dramatic music)
(aliens yelling)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(aliens speaking alien language)
(dramatic music)
(rock music)
(light music)
- Ooh.
(light music continues)
Oh yeah.
The eagle has landed.
- Oh yes it has, my brother.
(light music continues)
Oh, how you doing ladies?
Welcome to Big T's Place.
My name is Ray.
This is my associate, Vinnie.
- Vinnie.
- If you need anything,
any little thing at all,
you just let us know.
- Let us know.
- I just wanted to say hi because
I don't think it's often that
we get such fine specimens
of the female race in here.
Ain't that right, Vinnie?
- That's right.
(light music continues)
- Ooh, I mean, you girls hot.
Oh, mommy's smoking.
Ooh, ain't that right, Vinnie.
- That's right Ray.
- You know,
girls like yous.
You don't belong in a place like this.
I mean, you belong in
Hollywood or something.
- Hollywood.
- Am I wrong, Vinnie?
- [Vinnie] You ain't wrong, Ray.
- I didn't think I was.
You're quiet too.
That's something that I like.
I'm having such a hard time
figuring out which one
of you would want first.
I mean, oh, oh, oh, things are tingling.
Damn, you Hollywood babes are fine.
- Yeah.
- But you know,
I'm a gentleman
and as they do say,
oof.
- Get it Ray.
- Gentlemen prefer blondes.
(Ray laughing)
(Vinnie laughing)
But, but, but, but,
personally, I think you're the one for me.
Ow, god.
(Vinnie groaning)
(punches thudding)
- Where is this Hollywood?
- Hollywood.
Hollywood!
(funky music)
Anna Anna glamorous Anna
Anna Nicole
Born poor in Texas
Strugglin' slavin'
Tryin' to get some fame
Then you used what you got
And that was a lot
You became a household name
Married a billionaire
So he was 88
- Yeah.
So.
Crayon.
Anna Anna glamorous Anna
Anna Nicole
Anna Anna fabulous Anna
Anna Nicole
You're so outrageous
Anna Nicole
- Hey.
- How'd it go?
- I hate night shoots.
I had to leap out of a
burning building three times
before they got it right.
And that was before
the stupid alley fight.
There's no food.
- All Lucy has to do is be herself
and they give her her own reality TV show.
- [Cameron] That's not reality.
- She looks hot.
You're so outrageous
Anna Nicole
(soft music)
(dramatic music)
(rock music)
- Yeah.
(rock music continues)
This is more like it.
(rock music continues)
(soft Italian music)
- Where's Tony?
I need him now.
(soft Italian music continues)
I said, where is Tony?!
Now listen up.
I'm in charge now.
Things are gonna be a little
different around here.
You're working for me now.
So if any of you got
something to say about that,
you better let me know now.
- Did I hear you say
that I'm working for you now?
Did you hear that boys?
We're working for my wifey now.
(all laughing)
Now.
This is why I always tell you guys,
never
get
married.
(soft Italian music continues)
Now,
why don't you go get your nails done.
Hmm?
(soft Italian music continues)
- The reason you should listen to me
is really very simple.
(gun shot fires)
Now, are there any more questions?
(soft music)
- Yeah.
- Oh, well what is that?
- Why is it we should listen to you?
(gun shot fires)
(Rex screams)
- Anyone else?
(soft music continues)
Now,
I got a new plan on how
to run things around here.
We are changing the business model.
So get ready.
(rock music)
There it is.
Move in.
(rock music continues)
(car crashes)
(rock music continues)
(man screams)
Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.
(car exploding)
(rock music continues)
Now, let's pull this in and offload.
(rock music continues)
(screaming metal music)
- What the hell?
(rock music continues)
(screaming metal music)
(timer beeping)
(van exploding)
(screaming metal music)
(alarm sounding)
(rock music continues)
- [Person On Radio] Hey Rex,
the payload has left the building.
- Yeah, great.
- [Person On Radio] Give us some time
to get the rest of the boys out.
Standby for my signal.
(rock music)
We should be clear in about 60--
(explosion booming)
(metal music)
- Man, this is just too much fun.
(light music)
- [Lucy] I'm going out.
- Where are you going looking like that?
- I'm going to to grocery store.
Like my body?
- Yeah.
Ow.
- You can't go to the grocer
store looking like that.
- Why not?
- Because she's not dressed.
- Come on, Cameron.
- Lucy, we've had this discussion before.
We are aliens on a strange planet.
We can't go around attracting
undue attention to ourselves.
- Well, I don't understand why we have
these beautiful human body forms if we.
It just doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't have to make sense.
That's just the way they
do things around here.
Now go change.
- This is bogus.
I can only change into objects
and I wanna enjoy this
body as much as possible.
- Go put some clothes on.
- Fine, Cameron.
- Geez.
- Cool.
- [Syntax] Hello girls, it's Syntax here.
May I invest the pleasure of your company?
- Sure, Syntax, we're coming.
- Hello girls.
- Hi.
- Hi, Syntax.
- I mean Syntax.
- I trust you are all being
productive members of society.
- Some of us are.
- Great,
as it is my task.
I have been monitoring all
communication channels,
data streams,
and other forms of information
from across the world.
And I've noticed a pattern
that seems particularly disturbing.
There have been a series
of high tech thefts across the country,
which take individually,
look like random acts of larceny,
a chalk transporting,
reverse electromagnetic
damping rings and trans--
- Syntax, come on, get to the point.
- It's all considered
sophisticated equipment
on this primitive sphere called Earth.
The pattern I've noticed, however,
is that there are all necessary components
needed to build a mega gravitron.
- Do humans know how to
build one of those machines?
- No, they don't, my dear.
Which leads me to the
conclusion that our culprit,
whomever it may be,
must be of alien origin.
- Any idea who?
- Sorry, I haven't yet
acquired enough information
to give an acceptable answer,
but I have calculated based
on a pattern I've seen
where the next crime will take place.
- Where are we going?
- If I'm correct, our
culprit will next strike
at the Globex research
facility in New York City.
they have recently completed
work on the McGuffin device,
which is critical in the control
of high end magnetic waves.
In fact, it's quite interesting,
the substructure interference--
- Syntax!
- Which causes many--
- Get to the point.
- Yes, quite.
Be careful girls,
whoever this is has been
completely ruthless.
This shows a high level of danger.
- Aw, Syntax, you worry too much.
We'll be careful, always--
- Yes.
Yes, quite.
(upbeat music)
(mysterious music)
(traffic humming)
(mysterious music continues)
- Gently.
Gently.
- Gently.
- It's highly volatile,
especially the way you idiot
humans put it together.
(mysterious music continues)
Excellent.
Everything's coming together.
Only a few more pieces left.
And soon,
oh, so very soon,
I will complete my mega gravitron
and the world wants tremble at my feet.
(Rex manically laughs)
(boys laughing)
- Trembling.
Trembling at feet.
- What are you doing?
- Me?
- Yes, you.
What were you doing just now?
- I was laughing.
- Yes, I saw that.
Why?
- Well, 'cause yous was laughing.
I thought, eh, it's kind of funny.
So I mean I'll, I'll laugh along too.
- Let me ask you something,
you driveling sack of carbon.
Are you the one with a master plan
to build a mega gravitron,
a device with the power
to destroy the world?
No.
That's right.
It's my idea.
So I'm the one that gets to laugh.
Got it?
- Yes.
- Great.
(gun shot fires)
- [Ray] Oh, right in the stitches.
- I'm tired of letting
the rest of you dolts
have all the fun.
I'm going after the next item myself.
Should be a gas.
(upbeat music)
- You know, this place doesn't
look like a research lab.
I thought Globex was supposed
to be this big high tech company.
- It is.
Globex owns over 30 buildings in the city.
- [Drew] Really?
- Their headquarters are downtown.
But this is where all the
real thinking goes on.
- Hmm.
- I bet there's enough gadgets
and gizmos in that place
to make the Pentagon blush.
- Hey Cameron,
I had the weirdest dream.
You were dating Justin Timberlake.
And Drew,
I dreamed that you were
just running around,
screaming ET, ET.
And the weirdest thing is,
I dreamed that I was Chinese
and I don't even like rice.
- Enough with the dream, Luc.
- I found something in the couch.
(phone beeping)
- Hello aliens, it's Syntax here.
I have new information for you.
- Okay, Syntax.
What's up with the Globex place?
There's nothing going on.
- This is the only location
of a functioning McGuffin device.
The percentages--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Hey--
- Pretty.
- Got a math problem for you.
- Oh no.
- Okay, here we go.
Part one, calculate the average number
of water droplets found in
any given Amazon rainstorm.
- Please, Drew,
now is not the time.
- Hey, this is important.
Part two, multiply by the number
of positively charged ions in this room.
- I'm the most powerful form
of artificial intelligence on this planet.
I can't be bothered with--
- Shush.
You have to do what we tell you to.
Part three.
Divide by the number of shoes found
in trash dumps across the country.
Get back to me when you've got the answer.
- Good grief.
- That oughta keep them busy for a while.
- You feeling lucky, punk?
- Lucy, what,
what are you doing?
- What does this do?
- Just turn it on baby.
(vibrator buzzing)
(explosion booms)
(dramatic music)
(Rex laughing)
(dramatic music continues)
- Who is that?
- So sorry.
- Damn.
(dramatic music continues)
That's one big girl.
- Come on, let's get her.
- She looks tough.
- Let's go.
(dramatic music continues)
- Shit.
(dramatic music continues)
What the hell is this?
- It's your getaway car.
- It's a piece of crap.
- It's a caddy.
- It's shit.
(gun shot fires)
(dramatic music)
- There's this big ol'
mean lady over there
and shot a guy in that car.
- Dammit.
(dramatic music continues)
- Change into a car Luce, come on.
- Okay.
(magical music)
(dramatic music)
- Vinnie, yeah, it's me.
I'm shot.
Yes again.
- [Cameron] That's the best you can do?
How about a nice European import?
- [Lucy] I was nervous.
- Yes, you can't miss me.
I'm wearing peach and I'm bleeding.
Goodbye.
(dramatic music)
- Nice interiors.
- [Lucy] Drew, stop it.
- Quite nice.
- [Lucy] It tickles.
- Tickles?
Tickle here?
(dramatic music continues)
- You guys, quit it.
- Who are they?
- More speed.
- All right, I got it.
- Strap yourself in.
(dramatic music)
It's time for some good
old fashioned road rage!
(dramatic music)
That was good.
(dramatic music continues)
- Pull over now.
(dramatic music continues)
- This the easy way,
or my way.
(dramatic music continues)
- [Drew] Look out.
(dramatic music continues)
- This chick drives worse than (mumbles).
(dramatic music continues)
- [Lucy] This funny when
you shift like that.
- Sorry Lucy, but I gotta stop here.
She's getting away.
(dramatic music continues)
(horn honking)
(dramatic music continues)
- Uh oh.
(dramatic music continues)
- All right already.
Off of me.
- You should be happy we didn't
have anything in the trunk.
She's making a run for it.
- Be right there girls.
I'm a little
kinda
outta
breath.
- At least she had her own airbags.
You know what I mean?
(dramatic music)
- Dammit.
- Hold it right there.
- So if I'm not mistaken,
you are the Illegal Aliens.
- Yes, and what's it to you?
- Which one of you goes
by the name of Cameron?
- How did you know?
- Cameron, such a pretty name.
Look at the body.
Woo.
Although as you can see,
I didn't do too shabby either.
- Who the hell are you?
- What?
You don't recognize me?
Well, I'm really disappointed.
After all that time we spent together.
After you arrested me,
after you sentenced me
to life imprisonment
on Benalstro Seven.
How could you forget?
- Rex?
- That's right.
- But you had a life sentence.
- Well, I guess I escaped.
You know what they do to you in lock up?
(soft music)
They take your body away.
They take away everything but your mind.
(soft music continues)
Can't feel anything.
Pleasure or pain.
(soft music continues)
This is a great big emptiness.
Do you know what you sent me to?
- What do you want?
- What do I want?
I want what you want.
What everyone back home wants.
I'm gonna save our world.
I've got a plan, and when I'm through,
they will forget about all
the unpleasantness in the past
and I will be remembered as a savior.
- Ha, fat chance.
We're taking you in
- We're taking you in.
- Freeze.
All right, nobody move.
- Who the hell are you?
- Name is Valentine, sweetheart.
Agent Valentine, immigration.
- Oh, back off, she's coming with us.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I've been watching you girls for a while.
This country doesn't need
Illegal Aliens like you
stealing our jobs, using
our healthcare facilities.
Take, take, take.
Well, I'm sending you back to
wherever it is you came from.
Where's the blonde?
- [Drew] Well, it took you long enough.
- Thanks, Lucy, but we have--
(dramatic music)
Dammit.
- I'm sorry.
- Why?
- You'll be okay.
(dramatic music)
- Come on, bitches.
(dramatic music continues)
- Rex is taking the bus.
- He's stealing it.
Lucy, I need you to turn into
another car or something.
(dramatic music continues)
- But Cammy, I'm really
tapped from before.
- You know, what, forget that.
Follow me, I have an idea.
(dramatic music continues)
- Excuse me, Mr. Bus Driver,
there's been an accident.
This old lady, she got run over.
My boss, I think.
I think I saw blood.
Call 9-1-1.
- Drew, tell me you know how
to drive one of these things.
- Oh sure, of course I do.
- Are we going for a ride?
(metal crashing)
(Rex mumbles)
- Jerk, I had the right of way.
- Wee, bumper cars.
(lively music)
Sorry I have to say
- Damn.
- Look out!
(metal crashing)
You have a lot of explaining to do.
- Sorry, car.
(breaks squealing)
(Rex growls)
(rock music)
- Ready for another car.
(dramatic music continues)
- Yay, this is fun.
- [Cameron] Could you be more careful.
- Hey, you wanna drive?
- Yes, I would.
- Well you can't.
So sit back.
Besides, you're supposed to
be behind the white line.
- Oh god.
To going back to eyes again
And wipe the excess from your sin
Why are you
- Pull over.
- I don't think so.
- Pull
this bus over.
(Rex yelling indistinctly)
- I said move.
(metal crashing)
I now you
I know you run to
- This (mumbles).
Isu.
I have a
speech impediment.
Hit that.
She smashed my lips.
(Valentine mumbling)
- Look out.
(rock music)
Drew, we're supposed to
be protecting humanity,
not killing them off one by one.
(upbeat music)
- I don't feel so good.
(upbeat music continues)
- That
is a United States post office.
(Rex screaming)
(upbeat music continues)
That's a federal offense.
(horn blaring)
- Drew.
- What?
- That train is awfully close.
I know you're lying
- Look out for the train.
I know you're blind sometimes, but
- What's a train?
- A train
is a piece of multi-car vehicles
traveling along tracks.
- It's too close.
- [Drew] We can make it.
- Too--
(all screaming)
I know you're not that stupid
I know you're not that stupid
- Dammit.
- We could have made it.
- Whatever.
- Can we go home now?
(bell dinging)
(lively music)
My stomach hurts.
- I need a beer.
- Honey, what's wrong?
- I gotta pee.
- So then go pee.
- Hmm?
To pee or not to pee?
That is the question.
I think I'll pee.
- Use the toilet this time.
- [Lucy] Okay.
- You and Rex seemed all
buddy buddy out there.
What's the scoop?
- [Cameron] It's involved.
(Lucy peeing)
- Lucy, would you shut the door please?
- [Lucy] I'm sorry.
(Lucy continues peeing)
- It all started when I
was back at the academy.
I met this young scientist named
Rex Scinto Quanto Tallonstar Quire.
If you're not a double tongue snorkeling,
Rex.
And we started a relationship.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't know you ever went for chicks.
That's so hot.
- Back then, Rex was not a girl.
Rex was a guy.
(Lucy farting)
(water rushing)
- Lucy, what are you
doing, taking a shower?
- He was working with
the scientific bureau.
He was working on a
solution for the Toron Star.
(water dripping)
- Finally.
(Lucy farting)
(water rushing)
- But then it was discovered
that there was nothing you could do
to keep the star from expiring.
Instead of integration with Earth,
Rex joined a group that
starting a hostile takeover.
- Got to be kidding.
(Lucy farting)
- I knew how he felt
and I didn't approve.
I thought it just talk
until I discovered
that he and his group
were actually gonna
put a plan into effect.
I told the authorities,
and they arrested him,
and put him in prison.
But I didn't do anything
until Syntax--
(Lucy farting)
Again.
- [Lucy] What's that--
- Syntax, I forgot.
I should tell him
to stop working on the
rain drop forest thing.
(Lucy farting)
- [Lucy] Toilet's full.
What do I do now?
(excrement dripping)
(Lucy laughing)
(funky music)
(Rex screaming)
- [Rex] Hey there.
- Hey, how you doing?
- What's up?
- Don't you guys just love having a body,
what crazy stuff you can feel.
It's so awesome, don't you think?
- Yeah, sure.
- Just love it so much.
Watch this.
(flesh squelching)
(Rex screaming)
- It hurts so good.
God, I love it.
You wanna try?
- No.
No thanks.
- I'll pass.
- [Rex] You sure?
- Yeah, yeah.
Maybe next time.
- Suit yourself.
You ready to go?
- Yeah, the plane's all packed.
Everyone's ready.
- Great.
We live in five minutes.
I'll be out in a sec.
(flesh squelching)
(Rex yelling)
- Let's just--
- Hey,
one of you guys got a cigarette?
- Despite my distraction,
I've managed to accumulate
all the data I need
to discover where Rex will strike next.
There's only one piece
left she needs to acquire
to complete her mega gravitron.
It is most important
that you prevent her
from getting her hands
on a colliding synchrotron.
- Whatever that is.
- I've scoured all databases
and information channels
and it seems that there is only one
colliding synchrotron in the world.
It is in the possession
of the reclusive scientist who built it.
He goes by the name of Max Sperling.
- He's kind of cute.
- [Drew] You think he's cute?
- Yeah.
What do you think, Lucy?
- Cute is as cute does.
- Girls, please.
Now, information suggests
that Max is currently
living in rural Montana.
There's no telling how close
Rex is to obtaining Max
and his machine, but you
must get to him first.
There's no time to waste girls.
- Wait, wait, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
- There's somebody else that
we should be looking for.
- Whom might that be?
- [Cameron] Yeah, who?
- What's the last name?
Yeah, Feltersnatch,
And the first name was Howie.
- I'm searching database listings now.
Cannot seem to find Howie Feltersnatch.
- Ha, I got ya.
- Yes, yes it appears that you have.
How amusing.
- I don't get it
(rock music)
- [Drew] Keanu?
- [Cameron] Yeah.
- You like Keanu Reeves?
- He's got that nerdy thing going on.
I like that.
(upbeat music)
- What about you toots?
What do you like?
- I like someone big and
strong like Superman.
And I like someone who's very funny.
- Knock, knock.
- And I also like a deep voice.
- Knock, knock.
- What the?
- Who's there?
- Thought you could ditch me, huh?
Well, Agent Valentine of immigration
will not be dismissed so lightly.
- You back there this whole time?
- That's right.
I always get my man,
or in this particular case, my women,
even if I have to remain
motionless under a blanket
in a luggage compartment of
a small aircraft for 10 hours
without the benefit of food,
water, or a potty break.
- Ew, I thought I smelled
something back there.
- Very funny.
You girls are slippery.
You're good.
Smooth.
Hiding all over the country.
I really like that.
- Actually, we're trying to
save the world, dickhead.
- Yeah, so back off creep.
Give me the gun.
- No, I'm never gonna give you--
(Valentine's head banging)
- Knock it off back there.
You want me to crash into a mountain?
Okay, you hear me?
- Give me the gun.
- No.
(Valentine's head banging)
(Valentine groaning)
- The gun, now.
- Hey, can't you save the world
without hurting dickhead?
- What are we gonna do now?
It's not like we can take him with us.
- I have an idea.
(funky music)
- [Valentine] Bad idea, bad idea.
(funky music continues)
- He's falling pretty fast.
- [Valentine] What happened to the clouds?
Where's that (mumbles)?
- See ya, dickhead.
(funky music continues)
- [Valentine] Oh, thank you lord.
(funky music continues)
- Good thinking, toots.
- Thank you, Drew.
(funky music continues)
- This is a spectacular view.
Hey, I miss this guy.
It must've been all that head trauma.
Oh no, ground.
(funky music continues)
Oh.
(funky music continues)
Three
bitches.
I'll never let 'em--
(funky music continues)
- Max's place should be right around here.
- I got the hiccups.
- Try holding your breath, honey.
(upbeat music)
(Lucy hiccups)
There it is.
Hmm, busted.
- Didn't work.
(Lucy screams)
(Lucy hiccups)
- Why?
- 'Cause I wanted to scare myself.
(upbeat music continues)
- Stop horsing around.
(upbeat music continues)
Hello?
Anybody home?
Max.
Max, you here?
- I can't get rid of my hiccups.
- Try pounding water honey.
(Lucy hiccups)
- I don't have any water.
(mysterious music)
- It's quiet.
(Lucy hiccups)
Too quiet.
- You didn't say that.
(Lucy hiccups)
(mysterious music continues)
- Don't be hating.
(suspenseful music)
Does anyone know where the glasses are?
- Shh, hold on.
I hear something.
(suspenseful music continues)
There's a fork in the microwave!
Get out!
(dramatic music)
Come on!
(dramatic music continues)
(explosion booms)
- [Drew] The old fork
in the microwave trick.
I should've known.
- Girls, be careful.
I think Rex may have
booby trapped Max's barn.
- Thanks, Syntax.
We'll be sure to look out that.
- Yes, quite.
Anyway, I've discovered
that Rex has captured Max
and his colliding syncrotron.
They're heading south in the highway.
If you hurry, you can catch them.
- Okay Lucy, you heard that.
We need to get airborne.
So make with the transforming.
- Well, what do you want me to be?
- How about a
helicopter?
- Yeah, yeah, a helicopter.
- Oh, no, no.
I can't be a helicopter.
- Yeah, yeah, you can.
- Yeah you can.
- Just concentrate.
- Come on baby.
You can do it.
You can do it.
- No,
no, I can't.
That's way too hard.
- It'll get rid of your hiccups.
- [Drew] That's right.
- Yeah, it always does.
- Everybody knows that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Trust me.
- Well, okay.
Okay.
(magical music)
How'd I do?
You're right, girls.
Turning into a helicopter
did get rid of my hiccups.
- Beautiful.
(upbeat music)
(Drew shouting)
- Climb.
Go.
(upbeat music)
- There's nothing that can stop me now.
(upbeat music continues)
- I've been meaning to
ask you something lately.
I mean, we've all been
working really hard.
I just thought that
maybe you could think about, maybe.
- Yeah, what's that?
- I, I, I, I thought nothing.
- Sure.
Sure you don't wanna ask me something?
- Yes, no, I, no, no, no,
there's no question.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- [Lucy] We're in my air space.
(upbeat music continues)
- There they are.
- I see 'em.
(upbeat music continues)
All right, Lucy, you ready for this?
- [Lucy] Let's do this thing.
- [Drew] Okay, here we go.
(Lucy singing)
- [Lucy] Wee.
(explosion booms)
- Suck this.
- What the hell is going on?
(trucks crashing)
- Did you see that?
- Someone tell me what
the hell is going on?
- Wait, be careful.
Max is in there.
- Don't ruin it for me.
- [Lucy] Boom.
- What is that?
- Loo.
(brakes squealing)
- Gotta get outta this thing.
Max is in there.
- Already?
- [Lucy] What do you mean this thing?
I'm Lucy.
- I'm sorry Lucy.
I'm just really worried about Max.
(upbeat music continues)
- Hold it.
Stay right there.
(punches thudding)
(upbeat music continues)
- [Henchman] Who the hell are you?
(punches thudding)
- Are you okay?
- Why?
- I'm here to rescue you,
and to get (mumbles).
- All by yourself?
- I have friends.
You just have to trust me.
- The syncrotron's overheating.
It must've (mumbles) explosion.
It's gonna blow.
- We gotta go.
(dramatic music)
- [Lucy] Let's get outta here
before that thing blows!
- He said it's gonna blow.
Come on.
Go.
(upbeat music)
(explosion booms)
Are you okay, doctor?
- Yes.
Yes, I think so.
(fire rumbling)
- At least Rex won't get a hold of it now.
(helicopter whirring)
Lucy.
Lucy, get us outta here.
(fire rumbling)
(helicopter whirring)
- [Rex] What the?
(fire rumbling)
(helicopter whirring)
- Oh, brother.
Oh my god.
Oh.
I'm alive.
I'm alive.
Breathe that fresh air.
Look at that beautiful blue sky.
Do you hear that?
Those are birds chirping.
Oh my God.
There's so much life
surrounding me right now.
When I woke up this morning,
I never thought that I
would be shot 17 times,
flip over in a trunk and still be here.
But I am.
Thank you big JC.
No more Big Rex.
No more Big Tony.
I give my life to you.
I'm your henchman now.
Whatever you need, I'm here.
Oh yeah.
(slaps crack)
Thank you, God.
Thank you for allowing
me to live on this day
and kiss this woman
and touch myself.
(gun shots firing)
(tense music)
- I'm not through with
you yet, Illegal Aliens.
I'm not through with you!
(birds chirping)
- I've been driven hard and put up wet.
- We're sorry for you
colliding syncrotron.
- Yeah, that was my bad.
Anybody want a beer?
- Sorry Max, my aim was off.
My arms were tired.
- That's all right.
I'm alive, aren't I?
And besides, it was an old model.
I, I'm already figuring
out how to build one
with 7.5% more capacity.
- Oh good.
- Yeah.
So
who are you?
- We're the Illegal Aliens,
a team of super agent extraterrestrials
here to protect Earth from
all who seek to o it harm.
- We're also the best stunt
coordinators in Hollywood.
Don't forget that part.
- Oh, I see.
So what are we doing here?
- I, we're gonna
look after you for a while.
- Good.
(rock music)
- Is that a fuel injected
supercharged 1969 350 Chevy?
- Max and I are gonna go grab a bite.
- Oh, great.
I'm starved.
- Actually, it's just me and Max.
Two steps in the bar tonight
- [Max] This baby is cherry.
- You two crazy kids go have fun.
My mind, my
- Awesome.
- You better bring her back by midnight
or I'll shove this up your--
- Drew, be quiet.
- I'm just kidding.
- I'm hungry, let's go.
(rock music continues)
(soft music)
- This smells really good.
- Yeah. .
If there's one thing that I love
about being in the human form,
it's eating.
- I know what you mean.
- I think if I could,
I would spend the entire day eating.
I mean, pizza,
burgers, chips.
Nacho, I love nachos.
- Whoa.
You're serious?
- Uh huh.
Why would I lie?
- It's just more than once,
I've been on a first date with a girl
and you order a great meal
and then the food comes.
She's not even hungry.
- I'm always hungry.
(soft music continues)
Well remember Max, I'm not actually human.
I've just shifted into the human form.
And our metabolisms are like
10,000 times faster than you humans.
- Oh.
So you probably eat a
lot on your planet too.
- [Cameron] We don't eat.
- How do you nourish yourselves?
- We lay down on a pile
of organic minerals,
excrete slime, and absorb
them through our skin.
- Oh.
- You wanna try?
(soft music continues)
So what do you think
about like a banana split?
- Yeah, desserts, that's great.
Oh, the X9-3000.
- What?
- Oh, I invented those.
- You did?
- In high school.
Shop class.
- Wow, that's impressive.
- Thanks.
(car beeping)
(car exploding)
(mysterious music)
(explosion booms)
- [Drew] Hey Lucy, you're
done with your nap.
Hey, you wanna take her
up Moholland, let her rip?
Lucy?
(footsteps approaching)
Lucy?
(flesh squelching)
- You three have been
one big pain in my ass.
Taking just about as
much as I could stand.
You're starting to piss me off.
Is that a 350?
Sweet.
- Hello?
Cameron.
Are you home already?
(mysterious music)
- So you must be Syntax.
- Rex?
No you stay away from me.
- How very nice to make your acquaintance.
Sorry.
But this is gonna mega hurt.
- Please, please, don't.
Not the bicep.
(machinery crashing)
Just as many grounds of decaf.
Just as tasty as--
No, no, please.
(electricity snapping)
(uneasy music)
- CPU later.
(uneasy music)
- Hello?
(uneasy music continues)
Anybody?
Oh no.
Lucy, Drew?
- In here.
I'm here, get me out.
- Drew?
- [Drew] I'm here.
- Drew.
- I'm in the trunk.
- Oh my god.
What happened?
- I got jumped from behind.
It took me forever to heal, that bitch.
Whoa, looks like you had fun on your date.
- There was an explosion.
- Really?
He looks so nerdy.
- Rex's guys took Max.
- Where's Lucy?
- [Syntax] Rex took her.
- Syntax.
(uneasy music)
Syntax, what happened?
- Rex tried to destroy me.
- Where's Lucy and Max?
Where did Rex take them?
- I can't.
I need repairs.
- Can't.
These systems are scrambled.
- I feel funny, Dave.
- We have to repair him.
It's our only hope.
- I don't know the first
thing about computers.
What am I supposed to with all this mess?
- And you think I do?
At least we have to try.
- Dave's not here, man.
- Okay, Syntax, show us what to do.
- I will show you.
(uneasy music)
- Lucy.
Lucy.
- [Director] And cue fart.
- Lucy, wake up, come on.
- [Director] Fart please.
Lucy.
- Where's the fart?
- You know what?
Untie me.
- Oh, come on, what's wrong Anna?
- Look, I'll do anything for a laugh,
but this doesn't make sense.
You didn't show me getting kidnapped.
Was my getting kidnapped not important?
- [Director] This is fucking great.
- Who do I have to screw`
to get off this movie?!
- [Men] Yes.
Woo hoo.
- Oh, okay, people.
People, people, please,
can we try one.
- Maybe she could burp instead of--
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
Anna, can we please just try this?
I won't put it in the movie, I promise.
Okay?
All right, love you babe.
Mark it.
And get those cheeks tight.
Give me a nice squeaker, Anna.
And action.
- Lucy.
(Lucy farts)
Lucy, wake up.
Lucy.
(Lucy farting)
(Lucy laughing)
- I farted.
Aren't you smelling it?
(soft music)
Where are we?
- Rex kidnapped us.
We're in some kind of lair or something.
- Oh no.
- Hey quick, transform into something
and get us out of here.
- I wouldn't try that if I were you.
I don't think you'd make it very far.
I'm so glad you finally come to.
Now we can get started.
- Well Drew and Cameron
are on their way here
and they're gonna be really pissed.
And you're just a big bully anyway.
- Oh see, I don't think so.
I had a little conversation
with your friend Syntax
and well, I don't think
he'll be telling them much.
So I'm not gonna let you go.
And besides, I need you two
in order to complete my plan.
You see the Illegal Aliens and myself,
we're both working towards the same cause.
- That's impossible.
- It's very impossible.
- Actually, it's not.
It's a very sad story, Max.
I think you'll find it interesting.
The Illegal Aliens and myself
all hail from the same planet.
One not unlike Earth.
Unfortunately, the star
around which our planet orbits
is running on a fuel.
There's not much time left.
So we then set our probes out into space
to find another suitable star
around which our planet could orbit.
We found your sun.
However, there's only a
very small habitable band,
which is occupied by
the Earth and your moon.
So I'm building a mega gravitron.
It's a very powerful device
by Earth's standards,
although fairly commonplace
where I come from.
I'm going to use it to drag
your moon into the Earth,
thereby obliterating both planets.
The leading council on our
planet will have no choice
but to move our home world here
and take its rightful place.
Bask in the glorious warming
race of your yellow sun
for at least another billion years.
No longer will I be known as a criminal.
No longer will I be an
outcast from my own world.
No longer.
I will be a savior to my people
I will lead them to a new age of glory.
I will be remembered forever.
- You are crazy.
- Maybe, but I'm gonna win.
- I already blowed up
that big old machine.
- Yes, that's true.
But then I noticed something,
something about you, Lucy.
You have an incredible power.
You can turn into most anything.
You Lucy,
you are going to become
my colliding synchrotron.
You are going to power my mega gravitron.
And Max,
you're gonna ensure
that it works properly.
- I won't.
I won't do it.
- And I won't either.
- How brave and noble of you.
But I already figured
that would be the case.
So I have something
a little special
just for the occasion.
- What is it?
Some kind of mind control serum.
- Yeah, what?
- Oh no, no.
It's much better.
Mind control suppositories.
(dramatic music)
Oh, I don't think we'll
be using that today.
(dramatic music continues)
- Connect the two.
No.
- No, no, no, no.
It's the other connector.
- I'm doing it.
- A bit lower.
- The other one.
- How's that Syntax?
Better or worse?
- No, that's worse.
- Dammit.
- I told you it was the other connector.
(tense music)
(uneasy music)
- How are you feeling?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
- Excellent.
Now Lucy,
take the form of the colliding synchrotron
and connect yourself
to the power coupling.
Get her down to the quarry.
- Why don't you just command
her to go down to the quarry?
I mean, 'cause she's got like
that suppository thing in her
and that's like making her not.
Oh yeah, all right, sure.
I like your butterfly.
I got one on my back.
All right, let's go, sorry,
- Max,
you'll be here at the control console.
Sit.
And operate.
(tense music continues)
(machines beeping)
(machine whirring)
- Systems are engaged.
Power is in the green.
- Now set target.
The moon.
(tense music)
(machine beeping)
- All right.
Okay.
Do your thing.
(magical music)
(machine whirring)
- Ready.
- Power on.
(tense music continues)
(mega gravitron beaming)
Excellent.
It's a matter of time now.
(tense music continues)
(mega gravitron whirring)
- I don't know if the--
- Am I getting closer?
- Oh, that better.
- Okay, Drew, go get me some pliers.
- I'm on.
- Go.
- Don't touch my dongle.
- [Radio Host] Numerous reports
across the planet.
Reports of volcanoes, record high tides
on the northeastern coastline
have claimed acres of
homes and countless lives
and killer tornadoes--
- We're getting reports
from all over the globe now,
mass panic and hysteria in the streets.
Authorities urge everyone,
everyone to stay indoors.
Please do not panic.
The situation will only be made worse.
Wait.
Is this, is this right?
It appears as though the
moon is on a collision course
with the Earth.
Wait, we have a live feed now.
Some sort of gravitational
shift is to blame.
Scientists are unsure what is causing it.
- Rex.
- Drew, hurry up.
I need those pliers.
(dramatic music)
- That's better.
- Cammy, Cammy,
we're in trouble.
- I know that.
Gimme the pliers.
- It's Rex.
She's got control of the mega graviton.
- Almost there.
- She's gonna crash the
moon into the Earth.
- Almost there.
- She's going to destroy the planet!
- Perfect.
Perfect.
- We got it.
Checking systems.
Hello girls.
- Syntax.
- Oh shit.
I saw like Carrie Grant now.
- Rex got control of the mega graviton.
He's trying to crash
the moon into the Earth.
- Yes, yes.
I'm searching.
Searching.
(light music)
Here it is,
a large energy surge
coming from a small lush island
on the coast of Nova Scotia.
I can see the mega gravitron.
It's a the the bottom of a large,
deep, glistening ridge quarry,
shielding it from previous scans.
Girls, you have a hurry.
(dramatic music)
(people shouting)
(mega gravitron whirring)
- Soon.
Soon.
The end is here.
Now, what is it now?
- Well,
me and Vinnies, we was
talking about your plan.
You know how you're gonna
crash the moon into the Earth?
- Yeah.
What of it?
- Won't that destroy the planet?
- Well, that's the point.
(mega gravitron whirring)
- So, won't that kill us all?
- Yes, I suppose it will.
Do you have a problem with that?
- No, it's just, I mean
you, you don't have a plan
to take us off the planet
before the Earth hits the moon?
- No, I guess I don't.
Tell you the truth, I
never thought that far.
- So then we're doomed,
all of us.
- I said yes.
- Okay, I was just checking.
(mega gravitron whirring)
(tense music)
(upbeat music)
- So were you and Rex
girlfriend and boyfriend?
Or was it, you know, like a
booty call kind of situation?
- Drop it already.
- [Syntax] Hello girls, it's Syntax.
My appears of analysis here is,
come on (mumbles).
(Syntax laughing)
- [Drew] That's why we need Haywood.
Last name, Gabloney.
- Haywood Gabloney?
(Drew laughing)
- [Drew] Gotcha.
- Bitches.
- Guys, stop.
Would you focus.
- God, a headache.
But strangely,
you is a martini.
(upbeat music)
- [Gumba] Pilot to
princess, this is Gumba.
Do you read?
There's a helicopter
approaching the island.
It's not one of ours.
Over.
- Dammit.
I should've expected as much.
- [Gumba] They're preparing to land.
Do you want us to take them out?
- No, no they'd only
kick your butts anyway.
I've arranged some very
special friends to meet them.
- [Gumba] Roger that.
Gumba out.
(upbeat music continues)
(Rex and friends speaking alien language)
- Illegal Aliens.
(friends speaking alien language)
That'll take care of it.
- How far are we now, Syntax?
- [Syntax] Well, not far.
I show an energy search coming
from just past those bluff.
- Great.
- Hold on.
I'm picking up some very
strange heat signatures
in your vicinity.
(alien bugs snarling)
(dramatic music)
- What do you mean?
- Cameron?
- [Syntax] Hard to say.
- Which way?
- Cameron.
- [Syntax] Toward you, I'd say--
- Cameron!
(alien bug snarling)
- All right, that's bad.
- I think I found your
heat signature, Syntax.
- Oh.
I seem to have developed
a taste for lager.
(dramatic music)
Anna Anna glamorous Anna
Anna Nicole
(dramatic music)
Born poor in Texas
(dramatic music continues)
- Have you ever seen things like that?
- Not really.
- So you don't know how to deal with them?
- Not really.
- Okay, just checking.
(alien bug snarling)
Sit.
Ooh.
- Oh yeah, that works.
(alien bug growling)
- Hey, why don't we play dead.
(alien bugs snarling)
(dramatic music)
(Drew mumbles)
(dramatic music)
- Hey girls,
can I finish the line?
(dramatic music continues)
I'm not with immigration.
Home Land Security.
We knew about you the day you landed.
We were hoping you'd lead us to this day.
(explosions boom)
Good job.
Thought you might need some help,
so I brought along some friends.
(explosions booming)
All teams, take these motherfuckers out.
Take care of these guys.
You go an stop that mega gravitron.
- Will do, Valentine.
(hopeful music)
- Let's go kick some spidy butt.
Team one, attack.
(person on radio mumbles)
(dramatic music)
(people screaming)
(dramatic music continues)
(funky music)
- That's it.
That must be the control room.
I bet Rex is controlling Max somehow.
- But where's Lucy?
- I don't know.
- I wanna find her and tear her--
- No, no, no.
There are wise guys all over this place.
And I bet there's more
in the control room.
I'll take Rex.
You find that thing, shut it down.
Find Max.
(funky music continues)
- [Drew] Hi.
I heard today was your birthday.
I'm from Strippers Unlimited.
Happy birthday
(funky music continues)
- [Vinnie] Bitch on wheels.
- She doesn't have a plan.
- I got a family at home.
We can't blow up the world.
- I got a cat.
- Yeah, I like Mr. Whiskers.
- Yeah, he's okay.
Well, I mean, what do you wanna do?
You wanna save the world?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I wanna save the world.
- What, you serious?
- Yes.
- Okay, alright.
I guess the first thing we're gonna do
is get a blondie outta the machine.
- How are we gonna do that?
- Start pressing buttons.
(funky music continues)
- Sorry lady, I'd like to fight you,
but it's the end of my shift.
Have a nice day.
(machinery droning)
(funky music)
- Hello?
Hi.
I'm so sorry.
I always get so lost
every time I come here.
Is this where the mega
gravitron control room is?
(funky music continues)
You boys want some of me?
(funky music continues)
- [Henchman] Hey.
Hey, hey.
Oh, oh.
There's a girl in here killing everyone.
Ah, I think it's one
of them Illegal Aliens.
(men screaming)
- Just hold them off a little longer.
I'm so close.
(men screaming)
- [Henchman] I'll see what I can do, but
she got me.
No.
Oh, but I think I'm gonna make it.
Oh, she's hitting me with a hockey stick.
Oh god.
Oh, my shit's broken.
I'll never played tennis again.
Oh why.
Oh no.
Oh, now she's got a chainsaw.
Where'd she get a chainsaw?
Oh please, no more,
I surrender.
I'm no longer any threat to you.
There's no need to punish me further.
(chainsaw whirring)
So much blood.
Who knew?
Oh.
(henchman mumbles)
Oh, now she's standing on
my chest with her foot.
She takes sick pleasure in my pain.
Why?
I didn't know a human body could feel this
amount of discomfort,
I just didn't think it was--
(things crashing)
Oh.
Oh, what's that?
You'll stop?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I will tell tales of you to my children.
They will know of your mercy.
God, you lying.
(henchman screaming)
(funky music)
(dramatic music)
(Drew snaps)
- What?
You've never seen a strong woman before?
Snap out of it.
- The horror.
The horror!
- Come on, you're coming with me.
(funky music)
(people screaming)
- Well, it may be over.
I don't know.
But I can tell you this.
The rumors that you've heard,
scurrilous rumors about me,
some were true.
The one with the cat, no.
But I did once Love a man.
(dramatic music)
(mega gravitron shutting down)
- Why's my poopy hole sore?
- Oh, the blonde one.
- Nobody sticks a missile in Lucy's butt
and gets away with it.
(punches thudding)
(Rex screams)
(dramatic music)
- You bitch.
- [Lucy] Evil.
(dramatic music continues)
- Lucy.
Lucy.
Lucy, I got her.
Lucy!
Goddammit.
(dramatic music continues)
Lucy.
- I think it was good, huh.
(dramatic music)
(women yelling)
(hopeful music)
- [Aide] Mr. President, the Illegal Aliens
have saved the planet once again.
- [President] We no longer reconsider
our Immigration policy.
(hopeful music continues)
(Big Ben ringing)
(people cheering)
(lively music)
(fireworks exploding)
- Oh, come on baby.
You're so close.
- Forget it.
I only said I would do it if
the world was coming to an end.
And it's better now.
- But we,
we could just try.
Shit.
(rock music)
- Ooh, look at this.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Should we help them?
- No, no, no, they can
take care of themselves.
Trust me.
Ooh.
(upbeat music)
That's a new one.
(Drew laughing)
(Cameron screaming)
- You bitch.
(upbeat music continues)
- This is getting very weird.
(upbeat music continues)
- Yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna call my agent.
This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna--
- You got an agent?
- No.
I'm just kidding with you.
- I don't even have.
- Well, you wanna get a beer or something?
- Sure.
- Yeah, let's go.
(women screaming)
- Ooh.
- I just wanna let you guys know
that we're going that
we're quitting the picture,
we're gonna have a beer
if you wanna join us, okay, have fun.
- Have you guys got any weed?
- You're ruining me.
(lively music)
(Rex screaming)
(electricity snapping)
- Yeah, woo hoo.
(tense music)
(mega graviton humming)
(Rex screaming)
- Burn bitch, burn.
- The mega gravitron's
circuits are overloading.
It's gonna blow.
- Is it?
- Every good movie ends with an explosion.
(Rex screaming)
- Let's get out of here.
(tense music)
(Rex screaming)
(explosion booms)
(soft music)
(Syntax beams)
- Well, it's obvious this
film has gone to hell.
(funky music)
- [Director] Hey, hey, where
you going, where you going?
You haven't finished the movie.
(funky music continues)
You haven't done the last scene.
Come on, just do the last scene.
- Come on.
(upbeat music)
- [Director] Do digital or something.
I need the scene.
- Okay.
- [Director] Action.
- Good job guys.
Once again, we've defeated
a nefarious alien
and we saved the world.
Good job.
- Woo hoo.
- Hooray, hooray, hooray.
- Lucy, I'm so glad you're safe.
- I bet.
(upbeat music continues)
- How about the kiss?
Come here.
- Oh.
- I'm in love with an alien.
- Who?
- You.
- Me?
- Good work, girls.
Once again,
you've proven yourself
worthy citizens.
The world is safe.
thanks to you three
and myself.
And I hope,
that's, that's mine,
that's my shirt.
That's not wardrobe.
Hope we meet again in the future
so the world could be a safer pla--
- [Director] Okay, can
somebody break them up?
(upbeat music continues)
And that's a wrap.
(upbeat music continues)
(people cheering)
(rock music)
Come and get your poison
The streets are calling you right now
Topical infection
And the sensation pulls you down
Well it's a sic society
It's going to my head
It's a sick society
And I feel sick again
(rock music continues)
All the pretty pictures
Our finest moments in an hour
Pitiful depictions
Was it beautiful before
Well it's a sick society
It's going to my head
It's a sick society
And I feel sick again
(rock music continues)
Come and get your poison
Can you swallow it somehow
Well it's a sick society
It's going to my head
It's a sick society
But we're not buried yet
It's a sick society
It's going to my head
It's a sick society
And I feel sick again
(rock music continues)
And I feel sick again
(upbeat music)
(baby crying)
- [Director] Take plane,
and action.
- Even if I have to remain motionless
under a blanket
in the luggage compartment
of a small aircraft
for 10 hours without the benefit of food,
water, or potty break.
- Ugh.
I want to be free, yeah
- Smells.
Are all minor reasons
- Very funny.
(Drew laughing)
And I walk
- I'm trying to save the world, dickhead.
When I want to be free, I just
Of all minor reasons
- You had a glow gun on Crystal Meth?
- Yeah.
- I've heard about his fake hair.
(Cameron laughing)
Walking down
- All my life, everybody keeps doubting
everything I do.
Is it real, is it real?
She can't do that.
She can't do anything.
And now look at me.
Look what I'm doing.
I'm flying a plane, dammit.
I can do anything.
Remember we'll get there
- Where are you going like that?
(upbeat music continues)
When I want to be free
- Smell it.
I just let go
Of all minor reasons
- Rex's guys took Max.
- Where's Lucy?
Horizons
And I walk
(people laughing)
- You're doing great.
When I want to be free
I just let go
Of all minor reasons
Then I see the road to the horizon
And I walk in that direction
- Where's, where's Lucy?
Where's Max?
Where did Rex take them?
(all laughing)
- Can we start over?
- Hello, my name is Joanie
and I'll be your flight
attendant this afternoon.
If there is loss of cabin air pressure,
just breathe heavily.
- I think I know how it works.
(Anna Nicole screaming)
- I can't mess up.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to mess up for you.
It's really hard for me to mess up.
(upbeat music continues)
- [Drew] Keanu Reeves?
(upbeat music continues)
(both laughing)
- You fucking skank.
I'm getting attacked.
Patrick.
- Yeah?
(people laughing)
What?
- Get down there again.
(upbeat music continues)
- [Director] There's
nothing you won't do, baby.
Thank you so much.
(upbeat music continues)
So look up and you'll
see that clear horizon
You want to find a way
To get to that place where you know
You will be free
Sing it with me, yeah
When I want to
(dramatic music)
(alien bug screeching)
- Finished.
- What?
I'm shooting a movie, John.
- I said, are you finished?
- [Director] This is the ending.
- Turn the camera off, all right, come on.
- [Director] Oh, come on.
- Turn it off.
- Fine.