I'm Still Here (2010) Movie Script

I know I'm a winner,
I know that I'm hot...
This is the Phoenix family.
Straight to the top,
gonna make it
- Gonna make it...
- And with talent like this,
these kids are really
gonna make it.
Gonna make it, gonna make it,
gonna make it
Gonna make it.
My first guest...
- Burning up the big screen...
- Academy-award nominated actor...
- "Gladiator"...
- "Gladiator"...
- ...and "Signs."
- Here's Joaquin Phoenix.
You never played guitar
or sang before this?
Had you ever sung before?
It was completely foreign to me.
When I held the guitar the first time
I didn't know what to make of it.
Joaquin Phoenix,
"Walk the Line."
I keep a close watch
on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes
wide open all the time
I keep the ends out
for the tie that binds
Because you're mine
I walk the line.
I'm just fucking, like, stuck in this
like, self-imposed
fucking prison of
characterization, you know?
It happened to me young.
It's like the chicken or the egg.
I don't know
what came first--
whether they said
that I was
emotional and intense
and complicated,
or whether I--
or whether I was
truly complicated
and intense and then
they responded to it.
Then, like, once they
responded to it,
then I responded
to what they were saying.
And, yeah, I utilized it
in some ways.
And there's-- I--
I am embarrassed about that.
And that's what a lot of this
is about.
I mean, I guess that's why
I agreed to do this documentary
is because I don't wanna--
I don't want to play the character
of Joaquin anymore.
Like, I want to be
whatever I am.
And my artistic output
thus far,
when I am really fucking
honest with myself,
has been fucking fraudulent.
And now for the first time
I'm doing something
that is-- whether you
like it or not,
it really represents me.
And maybe that's fucking stupid,
to want to be represented,
to care-- I don't care.
Not that.
But I don't want to be--
you know,
think what you think about me.
Hate me or like me,
just don't misunderstand me.
That's it.
I love those rare pure moments
in between action and cut,
but everything else
was fucking misery to me.
We talk about it being
this creative expression,
and really you're just
a fucking puppet.
You're this dumb fucking doll
that wears what someone else
tells you to wear,
stands where someone else
tells you to stand,
says what somebody else
tells you to say.
That's not expression.
That's not creativity.
And I have more to offer
than that.
My purpose on this earth
is not to interpret
somebody else's words
or to try and capture
a moment for somebody else.
It's to bring
what is inside me out.
Everybody in life
has at one point said,
"I don't like my job.
I don't like who I am.
I don't like the people
that are around me.
I want something better for myself,"
that "I have a dream."
I think everyone's about that
at some point.
My dream, my responsibility...
...is to mess up--
guys, we're shooting.
- Hey, Antony?
- Yeah?
My man, can you get the dogs out
while we do this interview, please?
I work for Joaquin
essentially as a general assistant.
I've known him for 15 years.
He's a friend.
We've made music together.
I've cooked for him. I've cleaned.
You see, I've been walking backwards
Up steepest of hills
The tears can't wash away
What money could not buy.
This is where I live
at the moment.
It is a sober living,
um, and I am one
of the residents here
after having a problem
drinking too much.
Not too much--
well, too much.
Drinking too much
and getting into trouble.
Hopefully working on this,
if it's cool with, you know,
you, Case, and just to kind of
get somebody to assist
and we can throw him some bread
now and again and stuff.
I met him
when I played a concert.
I used to play in a band
and I played a concert
at the Whisky A Go Go here in Los Angeles.
We started to become friends
when we both got into motorbikes.
And you got one as well, and we all started
riding around on motorbikes in New York.
That was, in a way,
where we sort of, like,
hit it off as friends.
If you can call it that.
Smile, dude.
This is going to be fucking great.
We're going to go to San Francisco.
We definitely need you there.
We were asked to create
an evening
at Davies Symphony Hall
to honor Paul Newman
who had just passed away
and to raise a lot of money
for very chronically ill children.
When did you find out
you were gonna come here?
It seems like this afternoon,
but it couldn't have been.
Last night.
Yeah, last night about 10:20
I got a text from Joaq.
- I'm playing a hit man?
- Yeah.
- Bullshit.
- Yeah.
Are you fucking serious?
I'm not being typecast
in my fucking theater debut
when I'm also retiring.
That's what fucking stup--
that's fucking stupid.
There he is!
How are you?
It's all of us
coming together which is exciting.
That's a cool thing,
is for-- this is kinda like...
it's kinda like the dream team.
I love you.
- Okay, that's all.
- This is the world--
that's-- "The World
of Nick Adams" is the piece?
- Yeah.
- Are you playing Nick, Case?
He has it much worse.
He never leaves the stage.
Oh, I see, start there.
I remember I started saying some lines
and he kinda stops me,
he whispers at me and he goes,
"Hey, man, I didn't know
we were supposed to do it
in an accent."
"What do you
want to eat, Al?"
"I don't know--"
Why are you doing an accent?
I'm not.
"I don't know. What do you
want to eat, Al--" oh no.
So I tried to do the scene
and about halfway through it
he's like, "Dude, you're doing it
in an accent now." I'm like, "I'm not!"
"I'll have the roast pork tenderloin
with applesauce and mashed potatoes."
Are you doing an accent?
No, I'm not.
I'm fucking stressed
because I just feel the fucking--
just the fucking obligation
is not on you.
You don't have the pressure
of fucking hundreds of kids
that are getting this funding
for this fucking play.
So that if the performance
isn't received well
or if I'm not received well,
that it comes back-- that it's bigger than me.
All you have to deal with is me.
You don't see me complaining.
It's like fucking Sean said,
we're here for the kids.
That's what it's about.
You're not. You're here for me.
Just help-- just do that.
Dude, this is the last thing
that I'm doing
and you're thinking
about yourself as the lead,
instead of thinking about what this really is,
which is my last moment.
I wasn't thinking about myself.
I never thought-- it never crossed my mind.
You're acting
with fucking everybody.
You get to do a scene
with fucking Hanks.
You do a scene with fucking--
with Sean.
You do a scene-- you're gonna
get to stand there when fucking--
Jack's up there doing his thing.
And, with all due respect,
I'm with fucking
Danny De Vito.
Why did you have him
put it on the card for?
That's the dinner. You get that at 6:00.
See, it's 10 to 6:00?
- That clock says 6:00.
- Yeah, it's 10 minutes fast.
The clock says 6:00.
Joaquin, how are you, my man?
Nice to see you again.
Hey, Casey, how are you?
- What's up? How are you?
- Good to see you.
Listen, I want to take
this opportunity
also to give you an exclusive
and just talk a little bit about the fact
that this will be my last performance
as an actor. I'm not doing films anymore.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Joaquin Phoenix done with acting?
Listen, I want to take
this opportunity
also to give you an exclusive
and just talk a little bit about the fact
that this will be
my last performance as an actor.
I'm not doing films anymore.
That's what he told our Jerry Penacoli.
Joaquin, say it ain't so.
The phone has been ringing off the hook.
The emails are out of control.
Sue, "Two Lovers" will be
my last press stuff that I'll do.
And I'm not acting anymore
and I'm doing this hip-hop record.
And all the world is green
So pretend that you owe...
It's not hard enough to make a transition
and I don't need my fucking brother-in-law
- making it more difficult.
- If you wanted this to be handled better
then you should have fucking
talked to your publicist.
You should have had a press release,
but you don't want to talk to anyone like that
because you don't want to deal
with any of that fucking bullshit.
So then don't deal with that bullshit,
but what happens
is when you walk down a red carpet,
you have to answer
the fucking questions on your own.
I didn't know what
you wanted me to say, man.
This is you, dude.
I love it, man.
That's what motherfucking
retirement's about.
- Playing by our own rules.
- I know, I know.
Are you ready?
But my shit smells, dude.
Lar, out!
What about if they laugh at you?
I've been laughed at before, man.
I mean, have you seen
some of the movies I've done?
Joaquin Phoenix
announced his retirement today.
Phoenix announced
that he was retiring from acting.
Phoenix has announced
he is retiring
from Hollywood...
He is a former Oscar nominee
who walked away...
...may be calling it quits
right in the prime of his career.
...leaving Tinseltown...
We're hearing that he's done.
If you're telling me
"I cannot act anymore," right,
I think it'd be a shame.
But if you're saying
"I just don't-- don't send me any scripts.
I just want to be shut off to it,"
I think that's a mistake,
because I think it is something--
Yeah, of course, but within reason.
Yeah, no. You know.
So there's, um...
The one that's--
There goes fame like a train
Speeding faster than bullets,
everybody's moving back
Arms flying up on some "no sir,"
backs is breaking
And times were tinkered,
we'll all go drinking
Time to go away
when the workers streaking--
Reference to retiring.
Nobody else had the guts
to stand up and not give a fuck
And walk out
on all that love...
That one's better than the first one.
It's a drug,
this whole fame game
Gonna plug your lame shit
on sofas with David Letterman
Worse yet, Jaybird get to singing you
to welcome death
But you see, the fucking thing is
I'm gonna get up
And dust myself off again
You can do this, Joaquin,
with the help of your fans
With the help of your fans.
So I started with this piano...
This'll be how the bass...
Take it all, kid,
don't you wanna get rich?
Your mother got a stage,
now get your ass up on there, kid
If you wanna make the crew
happier than shit
Then you'll shut her ass up,
you little son of a bitch.
Hey, Tom, it's Nic.
Uh, yeah, I'm calling about
coming in tonight with J.P.
And do you have a mike
if he wants to perform?
You got the home boy
Joaquin Phoenix
about to kick some rap
for you all one time.
Let's go, brother.
- I liked it.
- Thanks, man.
I thought,
"So fuck them," right?
And J.P.--
oh, Joaquin Phoenix
or Johnny Cash,
whatever the fuck his name is.
I made it to the point
in my career
where I didn't have to, like,
impress or show people.
They just knew and I think
I grew comfortable in that
and I thought that
I could just, like,
jump into this and have
the same impact,
They weren't seeing it,
but you have to give people time,
you know?
And maybe they were seeing,
you know,
the movie actor
up there rapping and...
But-- but my--
right, but there's nothing about
the fuck-- the lyrics,
there's truth if they just
would have just fucking listened.
Billing be top,
kid be rocking the star
Flash cars and bulbs
taking over his whole fucking yard
Times is crazy, mothers be
packing up their babies
Papa'd be Swayze, lit up on
some Johnny Blaze shit
Billy Crudup got the stage shit,
I never try to play this
All I ever needed was a band
of people screaming
Calling out from their cars
and their windows, what they're staring
And peering in to get a creep
at this crazy motherfucker
Tearing up the screen
and always paparazzi ducking
- Stepped away from the light, it wasn't right--
- Yeah yeah.
Took the bull by the horns,
I ain't gonna give up the fight
Tonight's my night
and any motherfucker that wanna be--
- No no, I changed it.
- That was great.
- That was great.
- No, I don't need you.
- No, I mean, but it was--
- I know, but what I'm saying is
if you listen-- that's what I'm saying,
your reaction, "It was great,"
you felt it. They didn't,
because they were
I feel like this is
out of my control now.
Like, who's fucking
producing this shit?
I don't know where
the-- I need a--
a producer who can fucking explode
the fucking eggshell away
and let the album
start its life.
So, Dre.
I mean, he's like
one of the best out there.
Dude, I'm saying
if Dre fucking--
- Dre's gonna be into it.
- Okay.
But then it's just a Dre album.
I don't know.
D'you know what I mean?
What about-- what about, what about,
what about Rick Rubin?
So the bad news is Rick Rubin
and Dr. Dre are both booked.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- Um, all right.
- But the good news is
- that it looks like P Diddy might be available.
- Oh, no way.
So I've got a call
into his people right now,
but I just wanted to touch base
before I went any further.
You know, all you can do
is do something for yourself,
believe in it, love it
and then fucking put it out
in their world
and hope
that people like it--
love it.
I just talked to Carline
at Bad Boy.
Yep, so he'll meet with him?
Diddy's going to be
in New York this weekend,
so we can-- and he wants
to meet with you.
Well, I'm just gonna
let him know
that we'll know sometime
between Friday and Sunday.
It might just be last minute.
You might get there
Thursday night
and Friday I might get a call
and you might have
to see him Friday.
No, I understand.
We'll just be there.
Hopefully we can get
them two together
and get them to meet up,
but I'm not promising anything.
- So I go to fucking New York--
- And we wait for her to give us a call.
It's like--
we'll make it work
whenever Diddy's available.
This is fucking ridiculous.
It's good.
New York, New York,
it's the captain speaking
Buckle up, sit tight,
we about to kick the streets in
Start from scratch,
no, it ain't a thing, man
I come with Diddy and I keep
on creeping creeping
So is this true?
You're done?
You're just--
you're going straight
for the music?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Yeah, I really want it
to be like
a hip-hop "Bohemian Rhapsody"
kind of thing, you know?
I'm wanting it to be epic.
Epic is good.
Epic is--
it's good.
Epic is--
epic is epic.
Too big to burn up
in our atmosphere,
these pieces of ice and rocks
come hurtling down
on an unsuspecting metropolis.
Well, it's Sunday afternoon
and I haven't heard nothing.
Can you just call them
and find out what's going on?
Do the snow angel, dude.
I can beat you.
Do the snow angel.
Do the fucking snow angel.
Dude, do the fucking
snow angel.
Do the snow angel, Lar.
Do the fucking snow angel, dude.
Do the fucking snow angel.
Dude, do it.
Look at mine.
Look at mine.
Look at mine, dude.
- That's bad.
- Huh?
You're fine.
Dude, you only have wings!
His angel doesn't have fucking legs.
Look, you don't have
any leg--
- I don't think you have balls.
- That's a funny bit.
You know, the big YouTube video
is just a little midget--
a little midget Indian being like--
They think everything is funny.
Have you seen their shows?
And they got-- there's one--
I wish I could remember
what the fucking song was.
It's fucking genius.
I can't-- it's so funny.
And the thing is they think
they're funny
and they don't even
hear how they sound.
You know, the accent sounds
normal to them.
And the clothes look normal.
They still think it's funny.
It's doubly funny for us.
Ahh-- ow ow!
- You faggot! Busted.
- Ow ow ow!
- You're a fucking--
- Ow, fuck!
Running around
like a fucking idiot, dude.
- You got shit on your face.
- Okay-- ow, fuck! Ow!
Hey, Diddy can't do it now
for a few days, I'm being told.
I don't know, they said maybe
we could try for Saturday morning.
I don't know. I don't know
if it's going to happen this weekend.
I'm sorry. I wish I had
better news for you.
I want to be triumphant, man.
I want to be like--
And I got the blues once again
like an old fool
And then I jump down
and jump back up
And broke all the rules
I couldn't say yes anymore
to their games
I had to say no even if
it costs me my sane-ity.
What the fuck is going on?
Who the fuck acts like this?
I think he thinks
you aren't serious now.
- Why?
- I haven't read it,
but I know there's something
"Entertainment Weekly" just printed
saying you aren't really quitting
and it's a hoax.
They said they had an anonymous source--
someone close to you.
I don't know too much
about all the details,
but, man, he got a phone call
and that was it.
It says in quotations,
"He said, 'It's a put on.
I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown
and change careers
and Casey's going to film it,'
says one source who recently
worked with Phoenix."
Can you tell me who the sources are
for the magazine?
Dude, no.
- You can't tell me?
- No.
- Do you know who they are?
- Yes.
- You do know?
- Yes.
People aren't going
to recognize this art
because of their own stupid,
you know, preconceptions.
I mean, is it that your dream
is unattainable
or is it that you had
the wrong dream?
This bitch is getting a storm.
She did not even know
a fucking storm was coming.
I'm going to fuck
her fucking face.
She has no fucking idea.
Hey, honey,
my name's Antony.
I was looking
for a little bit of company.
Oooh, sit.
I want to smell her butthole.
Dude, if you do nothing else for me,
let me smell a girl's butthole,
you fucking asshole.
No, you can't call.
You're a fucking idiot, dude.
Why are you hovering over me?
Oh, Brooke--
Brooke, Brooke.
Oh sad.
Look at this.
Oh, Leila, you dirty--
Leila, you dirty
fucking little bitch.
Leila, you dirty little
fucking bitch.
Oh, Leila, you fucking
have no idea.
Yes, I was calling for Tiffany.
So two girls for six?
Shut your fucking mouth.
You didn't score it.
I scored it and I stashed it.
You fucking idiot.
You've done nothing for me.
Oh shit, oh shit.
Dude, who was the nigger
in charge over here?
- Who was the nigger--
- Just that little bit?
Don't look at it.
No, bitch, I got a whole lot.
You know what?
I already have to shit.
So why don't you go fucking lay down
and assume the position,
since you're going to be the one
that's the receptacle of my doo-doo?
You're going to look back in years on this,
when you're old and your kids see this
and you're going to be
so fucking ashamed of yourself
because of the opportunities
that were provided with fun
literally just to fucking hang out,
the fun that we have
and you fucked it up because
you're-- an idiot.
When I dream
I dream of you
And if I'm wrong,
we'll know it's true
It takes more than sacrifice
to keep love--
It disappears
just like the dew...
Well, there's cool water
in you
Well, you know
that there's
Cool water in you
You know there's
Cool water in you
Well, there's cool water
In you-oo-oo.
You know how many times
I've stood at this fucking window,
like, waiting for hookers,
just staring?
Imagining what their little buttholes
are gonna smell like?
- Answer it.
- It's the girls.
- Yeah.
- Here you go.
Hello? Hello?
Hi hi.
Oh, 11M.
Dude, don't film this.
Come on, man.
Ant, come here.
Come here, dude. Show us.
Please come here.
- Show-- show 'em.
- It's a bit shrunken right now.
Holy-- oh my God.
Is that like,
like not even, like, aroused?
- That's not even aroused.
- Dude, how do you guys know?
Well, look at it.
How do you not know?
- Do you have kids? You should.
- But listen--
- Like this.
- Hi, J.P. Carline called.
Puff is not even
in New York City anymore.
I don't know what to say.
I am so so
so so sorry.
But she did say if you wanted
to go to Miami right now
she promises
he'll have time for you.
Yeah, just tell him we're in.
I'm gonna get the fucking CD prepped.
We're getting to the hotel.
I gotta take a shower and shit.
And then we'll be there at 7:00.
It's like 4:30 now. Don't fucking worry.
We have the nightclub right here, LIV.
- If you guys want we'll get a table.
- How's the pussy?
You obviously haven't seen the club.
It's the sickest club in the world.
- Is it?
- It's right here.
I'm supposed to meet
Diddy tonight.
You're kidding me?
Fantastic, man!
Dude, I'm doing a gig here for sure.
What time is it?
Where's the other
fucking thing over there?
So I'm gonna go chill at Didd's,
And I don't know what's up.
I don't know if he just wants to chill
and have some drinks, listen to music.
I don't know if he's gonna
play me some tunes.
I'm gonna just try and be receptive
to what goes down.
This is a good night.
I'm fucking feeling it.
Man, I can't fucking believe it.
Um, shit, this is
fucking embarrassing.
I literally don't know what to say.
Do I say Diddy?
- How you doing?
- Good day, man. How's it going?
- Good.
- Phoenix--
Joaquin Phoenix
to see Diddy.
- To see who?
- Diddy.
Mr. Combs.
This is it.
Dude, we're late, all right?
Press that thing.
- Did you press it?
- Yeah.
Oh shit.
- Combs residence.
- Hey, this is Joaquin Phoenix.
J.P. And I see a car coming out.
We're a little late.
Yeah, he said he waited here for 30 minutes.
He couldn't wait any longer.
- He just left actually.
- Oh shit, this is him now.
You wanna try him
on his cell phone?
Yeah, I'm gonna-- I'll call him.
Okay, back up.
Fucking back up.
All right, dude, we're gonna back up.
Let-- is this him?
Oh Jesus.
This is so fucking embarrassing.
Back up, back up.
Oh shit, oh fuck.
Hi, Carrin-- Carleena?
Hi, this is Joaquin.
Yeah, I was supposed
to meet, um--
uh, come over
and meet Diddy just now.
And we were late
because the hotel...
I just pulled up and there were
cars pulling out.
I'm leaving tomorrow morning.
Well, please
tell Mr. Combs I'm very sorry
and I hope
to talk to him soon.
Oh shit.
I just sent Puff a text.
- What was it?
- I just said, "You tell me,
I'll be there
wherever you want, sir."
Oh my God.
"I can meet you
in room 1416."
I'm not gonna fucking
freestyle, dude.
That's why
I wanted the iPod.
Dude, please, if you can't take this seriously--
just chill.
I think you should knock again.
Shut up!
Knock again.
Hey, man,
it's Joa-- Joaquin.
- All right.
- What's up?
What's up, dude?
Hey, man.
You were supposed to meet me
at my house like an hour ago.
I'm sorry, dude.
We got-- this is my friend Larry.
- Who's good, man?
- What's up, man?
- Shit.
- What's the name of that movie you just did?
Uh, "Jesse James."
No, not that one.
The hot one.
"Jesse James" was kinda wack.
What was the other one?
- "Gone Baby Gone."
- That was the shit right there.
What's up?
Whatch'all doing?
Obviously you had great success
in fucking film and music.
And what I want it
is to be something...
Do you have money though?
Do you have money to do this?
Like how much?
I mean, I have a little studio,
do you know?
Like in my-- I have a garage.
I got Pro Tools set up.
See, that's the motherfucking problem.
When people try to do things,
they don't do it the way
they do it for their own industries.
When you go make a movie, you don't go--
you got money to make a movie, right?
See, you can't be-- you can't come
into this shit disrespectfully.
Because when I want to make a movie,
I'm gonna come with some money.
Oh right. No, I don't--
I don't-- that's the thing--
- Do you have money to do this?
- I'm coming from a pure--
I'm coming from-- what I want it to be
is like a place of true exploration.
Can you do that in acting?
Well, I do.
That's the thing, as an actor
you're shielded--
it's a different-- you know--
I mean, you know this.
No, that's not how they do
the thing-- lights, right?
- Lights, motherfucker, lights.
- Yes, how much?
- Craft services.
- Yeah, that costs a lot.
Makeup, hair, D.P.
- That's a good point. I get it.
- Gaffers.
Same thing--
studio, engineer...
- I got it.
- ...me.
- Well-- yeah, you.
- Me.
- The speakers.
- I get it.
Do you have any money?
Um, well,
how much you need?
How much you got?
I'm excited to hear
this stuff though.
I want to hear if you're really getting busy
or you're playing around.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah. I'm ready.
- We're ready.
- Pleasure to meet you.
You too.
All right, well, look,
I have Carline's numbers,
so then
- you'll let me know when you're in L.A.?
- Yeah.
- I'll be there in a couple of days.
- Okay. Larry, get up.
My album is out.
It's called "Intuition."
It's the #3 album
in the country right now.
My last name is Foxx,
my first name is Jamie.
My middle name
is Motherfucking.
When you see me out--
when you see me out, just say,
"There goes
Jamie Motherfucking Foxx."
Jamie Motherfucking Foxx.
- Say it-- Jamie Motherfucking Foxx.
- Jamie Motherfucking Foxx.
- Say it--
- Jamie Motherfucking Foxx.
Joaquin Motherfucking Phoenix.
Motherfucking Phoenix.
Joaquin Motherfucking
I'm not getting my dick out
for these two.
It's Joaquin to talk to Patrick.
I need to talk to him now
because Ben Stiller's at my house.
Dude, what the fuck?
I mean, I told you that I--
this-- I'm not gonna
do the-- dude!
First of all, I retired.
All right, dude, let me
clean up the fucking mess.
I'm gonna try not to make us
all look like assholes,
especially you for putting me
in the situation.
Good to see you, dude.
Why would I want to do this?
Um, just 'cause...
you know, I--
I don't know.
I just feel like it's-- you know.
I love the relationship
in there
- and I just thought the--
- Ours?
- Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
- Or our characters?
What is the character?
- Ivan. You-- Ivan.
- Ivan?
So you didn't--
you haven't read it yet?
Well, we--
Larry was telling me about it.
But I-- didn't you say
I was Greenberg?
- Who's Greenberg?
- I am Greenberg.
Oh great!
Thanks, Lar.
You're Greenberg.
Okay, my bad.
Oh, I see.
Oh shit.
And I was complaining
about that character.
I was like-- okay.
No, so I'm Ivan-- er, I mean not--
I'm not gonna do--
I don't want it to be--
I don't want this to be weird at all
or anything 'cause,
you know.
Ben, I've been with you
in fucking meetings before.
- This is not how you talk and you're acting all--
- No.
These guys have seen the worst of me,
they've seen the best.
- They've seen the honest me.
- I'm not trying to act any way.
- I'm honestly not trying to act any way.
- You were doing Ben Stiller.
- No, I'm not! Dude, this is who I am.
- You are.
- That's who you are?
- Yeah.
I'm-- what do I have to do,
put like a shirt on my head
and act weird?
I'm not try--
I'm trying to act weird?
Dude, all the time--
you're doing a movie where
it's like a fucking cat will be in a full-body cast.
That kind of humor.
Who gives a shit?
Like how is that fucking funny?
That a fucking cat breaks
all of its goddamned bones
and has to be put in a cast?
That's funny?
- Do you have a tissue?
- It is pretty funny.
- Um, honestly--
- I have a tissue somewhere.
Just-- it's a dog.
It's the dog?
Yeah. Um...
No no, the dog-- he's talking about
"Something About Mary."
I just found out it was--
this-- this house cost more
than I have.
That means if I don't
make any bread,
six months
I lose this joint.
Puff said he was going to call
in a couple of days.
It's been almost three weeks now
and they won't return my calls.
It'll sound desperate
if I keep calling, so...
we're gonna spin this
and make it look
like it was my fault and then they
can have another chance.
I'm just stuck
in the middle here.
At some point
you have to take it from your little nest
and put it in the world,
you know?
You gotta make it real.
That means going through
fucking door you can open.
I'm actually
trying to figure out what realistically
you'd actually do
as the next step.
So you do Vegas,
then you do like Chicago
- or whatever.
- Do Miami or something.
- And then?
- And then Russia.
How fucking dope.
"The Hollywood Reporter" says
Joaquin Phoenix's musical career
kicks off with an appearance
here in Las Vegas tonight.
Phoenix is trying his hand
at being a rapper
with a CD to be produced by Sean
"Don't call me Diddy" Combs.
After announcing his retirement,
actor Joaquin Phoenix--
former actor that is-- is making
a comeback as a rapper.
Keeping you in the loop,
Las Vegas, the Oscar nominee
picks Vegas for his big rap debut.
He can spend
time up on the back ledge here,
working that entire "T."
Right now we're just waiting for him
to come down do the sound check,
make sure that everything's okay on their end
and we're good to go.
Sound check?
Fuck these bitches.
Piece-of-shit catwalk
for a stage?
And then these cocksuckers
want a fucking free show
so they can just sit in there and watch
sound check? They can suck my dick.
If I forget a lyric
or if I hit a bad note
or my rhythm gets off,
that's on me.
And that's fair.
But why do I have so much pressure
in my fucking life and everyone else
seems to be having fun
and on a free fucking ride?
Can y'all hear me down there?
It's a crazy time
and it's real exciting and shit.
I'm nervous, but I'm glad
to share it with you.
This is our night.
It's not my night, this is our night.
J.P. is all of us.
Joaquin Phoenix!
Left up, right up,
spin yourself around
Knees down, chest down,
fucking on the ground
Get up, tits out,
shake 'em all around
Get your ass in the game
Left up, right up,
spin yourself around
Knees down, chest down,
fucking on the ground
Get up, tits out,
shake 'em all around.
- Can I get a refund?
- What?
For this life of sin, let me try it again,
lemme hit it, man
I want my money back,
you know I can do better
If the devil let me off,
I swear to God I'm ready.
Pedal to the metal,
heading for the bay
Checking my lines and shit,
just prepping for this play.
"400 gawking tourists
held 400 camera phones
in the air to document
the moment.
Joaquin Phoenix dressed
in literal tatters
looked out at this and must have
- the end.
This is the only explanation
for his amateur pratfall offstage.
We mock our own failures,
as firemen burn a ring
around a wildfire
to prevent it from getting
any closer to the places we live."
But I-- whatever.
All in all, pretty good.
I mean, this one here:
crowd pumping their fists.
"The rumor mills are now buzzing
that Joaquin Phoenix's
retirement from acting
and newfound career as a rapper
is all part of an elaborate hoax
that is being documented
by his brother-in-law Casey Affleck.
That doesn't exactly
put the matter to rest.
According to media reports,
Diddy is producing
Phoenix's rap album.
At first his rep said she was
unaware of his involvement,
but later sent ABC News
an email saying,
'I cannot comment on this
at this time."'
Oh shit.
That's so fucking cool.
Good to see you, man.
What's up?
How's it going? Sit down.
You want some water or something?
Actually yeah. I wanted to talk to you
the last time we were together.
When we were doing
the Nick Adams show?
But all of a sudden out
of nowhere, I turned
and you're telling this reporter
that you're quitting.
This is it. You're not going to do
any more acting
and that your performances
were over
and that you were going
to get into music?
I opened my mouth
and the fucking words came out.
You know what I mean?
And I didn't expect that.
My music
makes people happy.
You know? And it's not
about whether somebody else likes it
or this person.
I'm not trying to--
you know--
appeal to everyone.
You know, it's like...
To me...
that's me, that's you.
Drops of water.
And you're on top
of the mountain of success.
But one day you start
sliding down the mountain
and you think, "Wait a minute.
I'm a mountaintop water drop.
I don't belong in this valley,
in this river,
this low, dark ocean
with all these drops of water."
And you feel confused.
Then one day it gets hot
and you slowly
evaporate in the air.
Way up-- higher than
any mountaintop,
all the way to the heavens.
Then you understand
that it was at your lowest
that you were closest to God.
Because life's a journey
that goes around and around
and the end is closest
to the beginning.
So it's change you need,
relish the journey.
Be a drop of running water.
Obey those invisible pulls
on your soul--
evaporation, love,
It's in the darkest
is when the cracks
allow the inner light to come out.
But the spotlights--
don't let you see
the inner light.
But they're--
part of what it's about
is that's what it is--
is it's actually about revealing.
I don't really care
about things in this world.
You know?
That's not how I am.
To me it's all
fucking illusion.
It's all fear and lust.
What do you fear?
You fear being mediocre.
You know?
You wanna be great.
You want to leave a mark.
I want to leave
something special on earth.
'Cause that's all that matters-- this earth
and what happens on this earth.
"Yes, there are places in the world
where dreams are almost dead.
So please, my child, do keep in mind
before you go to bed
To dream a dream as big
as big could ever dream to be,
Then dream a dream
10 times as big
As that one dream you see.
Then once you've got that dream in mind,
please dream a million more.
And not a million quiet dreams,
a million dreams that roar,
A million dreams
so loud they scream,
So loud they sing and shout!
So super-huge they say,
'Hey, world!
Guess what
I'm dreamin' about.'
I'm dreaming about everything
that no one thought to wonder,
Dreams so big
that they've got dreams
And they got dreams
up under.
And if they say that all your dreams
are too big to come true,
You tell them that I told you,
'That's what dreams
are meant to do!'
They're meant to make you seem
as if you don't know
Up from down,
Because dreams are dreams
And that's why dreams
are worth having around."
Pretty awesome book.
Wait, so you call her
and she says,
"Oh, we're going to the inauguration
and having a ball--"
Maybe after the inauguration
it'd be better.
Did they say that?
Did you ask?
No, because I didn't want to push.
I wanted to find out--
What do you mean push it, dude?
I'm doing him a fucking favor.
I'm sure after the inauguration
we can go in the studio.
What fucking planet
do you fucking live on?
What don't you
fucking understand?
I mean, this is
fucking ridiculous, dude.
No, it's gonna work out.
- As soon--
- I will work it out!
What should I tell her?
Just shut the fuck up.
I'm still here
through these years
I don't scare--
I can't believe this.
Joaquin's watching TV last night
and he saw like Hanks and Diddy
were at the inauguration.
I think he's pretty pissed
Diddy hasn't called.
Suddenly we've got to go
to Washington.
I don't know what we're gonna do
when we get there
'cause we don't have a car,
we don't have a place to stay.
All we got were
one-way tickets.
And nobody even asked him
to host a party at the inauguration.
Not even a vice president party
so he's not happy about that either.
How could we not have a car?
What a goddamned
fucking joke this is.
You know, I got up,
I tried to wake up Joaq
to go to the inauguration,
and he wouldn't get up.
He just would not wake up.
So we left him there and then came back
and he was all pissed off
with the once-in-a-lifetime
and he missed it.
And now he's freaking out
about not having weed.
So things aren't going well
on this leg of the adventure.
...every step of the way.
That's why
Weight Watchers created
the brand new
Momentum program.
Can we call him please?
I beg you.
I mean, it's totally--
it's totally insane that...
Are you crazy?
We have to have patience.
...I should be without weed.
We're going to take a look back
at this truly remarkable day.
Can you please clip
my fucking hairs, dude?
Don't! You don't have to hold it.
I'll hold it.
- I have to hold it.
- I'll hold it. Don't touch it, just do it.
- It grows back twice as fast.
- So fucking what, dude?
Quit being
so goddamned negative.
Why don't you
shave it off, dude?
I'm not going
to fucking shave it off.
- It's disgusting.
- Because we're not getting a full trim.
- You're gonna get stubble.
- We gotta go.
- Why?
- Leo's hosting the first ball.
I do fucking "Reservation Road,"
it sucks, no nominations.
He does fucking "Revolutionary Road,"
and fucking gets nominated.
- It's bullshit.
- He's biting your shit.
He didn't bite my shit.
He just fucking
got a better thing.
He's luckier.
I won't-- I think
we should get rolling.
Well, great.
I'd like a fucking joint
and to be anywhere other
than Washington-fucking-D.C.
But life is not
a Christmas day.
'Cause I don't even give a shit
if he does the record or not, dude.
I don't fucking care.
But he said that he wants to do it.
Now everyone's talking about it
in the fucking papers.
That's what everyone expects,
now I'm in that position.
Honestly, what have you
fucking done?
What have we done thus far?
We don't have a fucking flight?
What did fucking EJO say?
What did
Edward James Olmos say?
Said we're fucking...
turned into-- 10% of us into water
that goes down a stream
and emanates into
the fucking ocean
where we're rehydrated
into the fucking clouds
and placed back down as snow
on the fucking mountain--
on top of the mountain.
That's what it's about.
You know what I mean?
And that's how I'm fucking living.
That's why this is big for me.
That's why who cares
if we're filming?
This is about
a personal journey.
How many people
actually say,
"You know what? I gotta work on me,
so I can think about we,"
and actually fucking do it?
You know what I mean?
This isn't some bullshit thing. This is me
changing my life before your eyes
to be a fucking
positive influence.
We got all this equipment,
all the camping gear
and food and everything.
And we get way out there,
and suddenly the weather changes.
It's snowing.
We're freezing.
And we're on the top of this mountain,
and the wind comes up,
blows all our shit off into this, like, gully.
We'll never see it again.
And we have to figure out a way to get back.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- We gotta get back
we all gotta survive.
Where are we getting back to?
We're in fucking D.C.
- But I'm talking about get back to--
- You mean it metaphorically.
--the comfortable-- yeah, metaphorically.
The comfortable place where we feel good--
- Well, say you're speaking--
say "metaphorically speaking"
or else it's fucking confusing.
"What is he talking about?
We're in fucking D.C."
I get where you're going.
- You did not!
- No, everything was cool up to a certain--
- I do though.
- Anton, you did not fucking get it.
If I'm tired and I'm grumpy,
you still fucking wake me up.
You know what I mean?
It's like, have the fucking decency
to let me be
a decent person.
Because I'm the one that's being
looked out there publically
being perceived.
Do you know what I mean?
Anton, you can't--
you fuck up a flight;
you can't get a goddamned flight.
Dude, if I travel with you guys,
I can't get on
the fucking private jet.
Fucking Ben fucking
isn't comfortable--
me and Casey
can fucking roll. Okay?
Because we fucking know that world.
You guys not only--
you make us look
fucking stupid, dude.
Tobey and fucking Leo
are on a fucking jet, man.
And we're in this fucking minivan.
I'm in a fucking green
rent-a-car minivan.
It's a fucking joke.
This is a goddamned
fucking joke.
It's time for me to end this game
with a brand-new start
Coming to you live, direct,
I'll fucking tear out my spleen
It's none other than
the one and only Joaquin
Bitch, D.C.
Oh shit!
Fucking smoked.
They're in cahoots.
Son of a bitch.
Fucking smoked!
Look it-- just two fucking weasels.
Shit, they're probably right there
just selling the fucking info.
That's why they just left
all smiling and shit.
Them wannabe rock stars-- fuck you.
I'll fucking crush you.
I had a private eye
follow fucking Anton
because I'm pretty
fucking sure he's the one
that was selling information
to magazines, saying, like,
that my shit's a hoax
or something.
And I just want
to fucking crush him.
I heard the call,
sirens sounding off
Feeling guilty 'cause my day
was spent fucking off
History's perverted me,
words don't really comfort me
You've become the epitome
of a fucking--
I made it here
despite the efforts of a few
So now it's time
to simply say, "Fuck you!"
That's fucking ironic.
Can I come in?
I really don't think
you should film this, dude.
I mean--
Ant, dude,
I know it was
fucking you, dude.
What was me?
- The press.
- The press?!
I have not talked
to the press, dude.
I have not had anything at all,
on my life, dude,
- I have not talked to the press.
- Ant,
don't fucking
do this to yourself.
I can't believe that you
could come into my home
after all the things
I've done for you.
I tried to give you
this opportunity
and you fucking
betray me, dude--
the one fucking thing.
I did not, Joaq.
Honestly, on my life,
I did not betray you.
I swear on my life, dude.
I have not talked to the press
about anything.
Dude, you think
it's a fucking joke.
I do not think
it's a joke, dude.
Here, is this a joke?
Let me show you this.
This is...
- obviously you.
- Yeah.
That is me, but that's not me--
I'm not talking to the press, dude.
- That's me and Norm.
- I understand that.
I'm just saying that
I am getting information
and I already have information
and I'm fucking--
and I have this.
I'm not a fucking idiot.
Priority dispatch-- take notice
of your healthcare provider.
Um, "amount claimed, 26,000."
What the fuck is that?
- Uh, "to Anton."
- Right?
Yeah, but that's
for fucking Tucson, dude.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm going to--
I'm paying that.
I'm already talking to them
about that.
- How are you paying that?
- I'm not paying--
- With the fucking money from the press?
- No. I haven't paid it.
I spoke to a lawyer today.
I haven't paid any of that.
I am so fucking cool and open
and good to people.
Whatever it is,
nothing but fucking love, man.
I have such a-- I just want to
fucking put out positive vibrations
and then
you fucking betray me?
- You betray us?
- I have not betrayed you, man.
- Casey--
- You literally just fucked my life.
You fucked
my fucking life, dude.
You fucked my life!
You fucked my life, dude.
I know that you fucked my life.
- I did not, man. I did not.
- You are going to continue--
will you fucking tell him
that we know, dude?
Yeah, it seems that you
provided information to the press.
Okay, this is what happened, okay?
One day everything's down, dude.
The next day you're furious
about an anonymous quote
in a magazine
that I've never even seen.
I don't know whether to fucking laugh
or what to do, dude.
- I'm afraid--
- I dare you to fucking laugh.
I'm not gonna laugh.
I think that you
are a fucking selfish,
worthless cunt.
Do you think that I'm just going
to forget about this, dude?
I have gone to Casey
every fucking day and said to him
"What can I do?"
He came to me with a paper to sign.
That fucking firstly it was the confidentiality--
which I know we fell out about
because I thought it was--
I did honestly think--
- Then you weren't gonna sign--
- But I signed that.
The only thing about that was
he's got me walking around
with my dick between my legs.
Yeah. Are you gonna
look like the idiot
in this fucking doc?
And this is the fucking moment
where the fucking good guy wins.
So in some ways, maybe I actually have to
fucking credit you, cuntface,
because I wrote
a fucking new song
that was fucking inspired by
to fucking crush you
so maybe that way--
I mean, that would be the,
you know, the fucking irony of course.
This is the fucking...
you know, hit,
you know, song.
The worst day of my life
ends up being
the day I evaporate
and go up or whatever.
It's nearly ready!
I think if, you know,
this is his last film,
that he should be
respectful with Ja--
you know, with James
and the movie company.
After all, these people
did make a movie.
Magazines, newspapers,
TV shows,
you know, abc.com,
"Rolling Stone."
- No no.
- MTV News.
I'd like to see him just,
you know, dress nicely
and do his interviews.
But he will.
This is his last premier,
his last press junket.
Despite what he says,
I think he'd like to say goodbye
in a nice way.
Hey, Carline, it's Larry
calling for J.P.
He's in the studio right now
working on some tracks. It's ready to go.
I need to confirm
the place and the time,
so if you could get back to me
as soon as possible. Thank you.
I can't talk to Diddy.
And so it's his people,
like, I have no idea
who I'm talking to
and they don't feel like
they have to get back to me.
Hi, you've reached Carline
at Bad Boy Records...
Should I leave a message?
Hey, it's J.P.-- Joaquin.
Uh, I left a few messages,
but I haven't heard back.
Just not sure
what's going on.
You're dropping
the fucking ball with Carline.
She doesn't know what's going on.
And I'm stressed.
No longer is it a funny fucking thing
about triumph,
but it's like about this dude
who's constantly getting squeezed
by everybody around him,
trying to fuck him over.
And that's the fucking triumph--
that I rise above this shit.
That's the fucking triumph.
Well, he's gonna--
He's definitely gonna call.
All I can do is
fucking walk around.
I can just go--
I can go forward.
And you know what?
The fucking cocksucker calls, right?
I'm good. What's up?
Sue, I'm not going to New York.
I'm not fucking doing press.
Because I'm going in the studio
to record with Puff.
There's no way
I'm going to cancel.
I-- I don't know.
It'll probably be...
I don't know,
like a week or something.
We're just starting out.
I have no fucking idea.
It's just the beginning.
Sue, I'm done.
Oh-- fucking hell.
I didn't even see it.
Fucking thing.
You never ever be late.
Never ever be late.
- What session?
- Uh, Diddy.
As soon as I scream
the name
Lost in the--
in the jungles
Offering everything
How much more soul?
- You burned my heart down...
- What up?
What's up, man?
This is great.
- How long you been standing there for?
- Oh, just a few seconds.
Sorry, buddy.
Good to see you.
- Hi, how you doing?
- That sounds awesome.
Have a seat.
Sorry about that.
- No, that's cool.
- So what's up, man?
hanging out, um,
I can't find
my fucking tunes.
- What you looking for?
- My C-- okay.
Just making sure
I have my CD.
I thought I forgot it.
- What's going on?
- So what's up, man...
- Nothing.
- ...since I saw you in Miami?
You said that, you know,
you was working on some music.
Yep. So I got some stuff, man.
You want to hear it?
- Yeah yeah.
- All right.
I don't know, man.
Maybe we should...
start with track 2--
I don't know.
What kind of vibe
do you want?
Just play me a hit.
I need to hear a hit, baby.
Uh, I don't-- I don't--
Dude. No, try track 2.
I don't-- this is
one of my newer ones.
You know how you listen to stuff
and you listen to it for a while
so you get bored of it,
then you hear the new thing.
So maybe this is worse.
I don't know, but...
Can I get a refund?
For this life of sin,
we're not trying again
Let me hit this, man,
I want my money back
I know I can do better
if the devil let me off
I swear to God
I'm ready
We was dealt a hand
by the man
Upstairs, the one they say
that gots the plan
And we never questioned,
assumed that he had blessed us
But every day, studied hard
just in case he tests us--
Play me another.
Uh, I don't know.
What's the next--
Bup bup bah-da-dup
Bup bup
Bup bup bah-da-dup
Bup bup bup bup
I was merely a child
when I was discovered
Had jitters, all meek,
you know us children
It was only chance
that we met, your scent
Electric, overwhelming
all my senses
- 19 years old, we's reacquainted
- Bup bup bah-da-dup
Up north with Goose
who we filmed with
I thought I lost
the taste for you--
Play something else.
Don't play that one.
It's so fucking complicated
that my mind can't even say it, check it
If everything was this motherfucking
When Leo took the globe
and played with--
No no no, not for you.
That's enough.
That's enough.
So tell me, um-- tell me why
you wanted to do this.
I mean why-- why did you
want to do hip-hop?
'Cause, uh, um...
You think it's-it's--
it's fucking funny?
You're not like making it,
like, you know, like, "Yo, what up?"
You're not-- you don't be doing
none of that shit when I'm not around, right?
No... no no. I mean,
there's a-- not at all.
Like, that's what this-- just--
gives it a lot of change of fortunes
and I think, like, I got to a place in my career
when I just started looking back
on my life and look at the things
that had affected me
and like the wrong turns
I could have made
and the wrong turns
I did make.
And then I wanted this music
just to represent
kind of that story
and, like, what that is
to say that there's
this other part of it.
And for me,
I have a connection to hip-hop
the way anyone has a connection
to any kind of music.
You know?
It's-- I don't--
it's not where you're--
I'm just playing around.
Mm-hmm, all right.
I'm just making sure.
You know, hearing the music,
I like the first two cuts.
Um, I think it went downhill after that,
but, you know,
that happens with everybody.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, I think you do have
some potential.
It just depends on how far you want to take it,
you know what I'm saying?
What you're trying to do and how far
you're trying to go with it.
Like-- you know.
You know, if it's something
you want to do,
I believe anybody
can do anything, you know?
If their heart is really in it.
I liked those two songs,
you know?
So what's the next move?
- Just... you got a vocal booth?
- What you mean?
How do you want
to start it off?
- Start what off?
- Just recording.
Oh no, I'm not--
I mean,
you're not ready
to record with me.
You know? I mean,
you're not at that point yet.
- You know?
- I-- 'cause I was--
because I thought that we
were gonna make it work here.
I thought we had a deal...
I gotta get back to work,
all right?
- All right.
- Love you, man.
Come here.
Give me a hug.
All right?
Can I have my CD?
- Yeah, I gave it to you.
- Okay.
- Oh no, he'll give it to you over there.
- Okay.
Tell him I'm coming
and I'm just going to finish it out
like I said I would.
Well, let me see
if I can get Letterman back.
You'll have to get
on a plane tomorrow.
Please have your
photo identification
out and available
for the agent at the counter.
- Is it true you stopped acting, man?
- Let's start it off, baby.
Yo, we got
Joaquin in J.F.K.
I wanna get
my rap career on my way.
We spotted Joe Cocker--
wait a minute!
That's Joaquin Phoenix.
The former actor
is still claiming to have left
the biz of show for good,
choosing to focus more
on his music career
and clearly less
on his personal hygiene.
How about M.C. Tobias
or Flavor Save?
So the question is will Phoenix
rise from the ashes of his acting career
and conquer
the music industry?
Is the whole thing a hoax?
Will he put out a record?
Most of all, do we care?
He has a junket
for his film "Two Lovers,"
three one-on-one interviews,
"USA Today."
He is going to do a print
and online roundtable.
- Have you seen "Two Lovers"?
- No.
You're not curious
about what it's like or what it--
I was there.
But you weren't in all the scenes.
No, it's all right.
I mean,
I'm sure they were great.
Okay, just 'cause most actors
that I talk to,
they're interested in how the director
puts it together and...
Um, did you prepare
for this movie?
- In what way? No.
- In like-- did you--
The journalists outside
who are waiting to talk to you,
they're all wondering if this is a hoax.
They're talking to each other,
saying "It's a hoax, it's a hoax."
But it's not.
Like, you seem
legitimately interested.
It's hard not to get offended
when you sit there
with your little smile and say
"We think this is a hoax,"
because you're talking about my life
as if my life's a fucking joke to you.
No, not-- I'm-- you know, I'm not--
I don't mean to offend you.
You can do the Fox News,
go "Some may say..."
- Right.
- ...and put it on them.
But it's your question and it's hard
not to take it personally
and feel like you're saying
my life's a fucking joke.
Do you realize really
what you're doing
by taking this step
away from movies?
Being in the limelight as a rapper
will be any different?
...that you know your new career
is overshadowing the film?
Is Diddy just doing the music
or is he working on the lyrics too?
Um, yeah, we're gonna
work together.
Lovely, excellent,
average, lovely.
Are you really filming
just driving in a fucking car?
- Oh oh!
- All right, you gotta stop.
Joaquin Phoenix, whoo! Joaquin!
Joaquin! Joaquin!
Seven minutes
to the introduction.
All "Late Show"
band members backstage.
Coming up, Joaquin Phoenix.
Our first guest is a--
how about this?
Two-time Academy Award nominee,
Joaquin Phoenix.
Good to see you.
Thank you very much
for being on the program again.
You know, it's been three years
since the last time you were on the show.
And I will just say
right off the top here,
you look different
than I remember.
You've got a nice beard going and...
- Oh yeah, thank you.
- How is that-- the beard?
- In what way?
- Is it comfortable?
Is it itchy?
Are you pleased with it?
I'm okay with it, but now
you're making me feel weird about it.
I'm sorry, I'm making you
feel weird about it?
- Is there something wrong?
- I can't be the first one
to make you feel weird about it.
Mmm, no I guess not.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
You doing a lot of this?
- That's just a nervous tic, I think.
- Oh, just a nervous tic.
Uh, you know,
I saw this--
I saw this movie the other night--
What a tremendous film.
You and who else is in it?
Uh, what's her name?
Beautiful lovely...
- Gwyneth Paltrow.
- Oh yeah, Gwyneth Paltrow.
- I really enjoyed your work.
- Thank you.
Are you--
what-- what can you tell us
about your days with the Unabomber?
It's just a little joke.
You're not going to act anymore?
- No.
- Huh.
Why is that?
I don't know.
- I mean--
- So you have given it some thought.
Yeah, it's not really...
an easy thing to explain.
It's something that's been
a part of my life
for a long time, d'you know?
And so it's weird to, like,
come out on stage
with a bunch of people
and just talk about it.
- Mm-hmm.
- D'you know? So.
Now when will we see
the new music career?
The new hip-hop career,
when will we see that take off?
When can we--
'cause we want to be there.
Uh, well, I'd love to come
on the show and perform...
- Yeah.
- ...when it's done.
But I'm just-- I'm working on it,
you know?
- It's a--
- You know, that seems unlikely.
Can you-- can you set up
the clip for us, Joaquin?
I don't--
Are you kidding?
Are you serious?
Does the maniacal laughter--
I don't know what the clip is.
You don't know
what the clip is?
It's you and-- maybe a scene
with you and Gwyneth Paltrow?
All right,
you're doing fine.
Uh, high praise coming from you.
- Is that really-- that's the--
- We're having fun.
- That's fun?
- We're having fun. Just relax, seriously.
I'll come to your house
and chew gum.
- Okay, I don't have to chew gum.
- No, just relax.
- I won't chew the gum. I won't chew the gum.
- Well!
And, Joaquin, I'm sorry
you couldn't be here tonight.
Uh, the film
is "Two Lovers."
Opens Friday
in selected cities.
Thank you very much
and good luck in your new career.
I hope that goes well for you.
We'll be right back
with model...
Oh my God.
I don't know,
I don't know.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Sir, could you just
pull over for a sec?
Dude, just pull over
for a sec.
I gotta fucking
walk around a little.
God-- fucking--
I don't fucking know!
Fucking wall right here.
Goddamn fucking wall.
I fucked it.
I just fucking made
an announcement.
I said I'll never go back to acting
and now I can't.
You know what? I'm miserable.
Fucking music sucks.
And I didn't even fucking know it.
I'm so stupid.
Oh, bullshit, dude.
It fucking sucks.
I'm just going to be
a goddamn joke forever.
I can't believe it.
Why'd I do that? Why'd I do that?
I'm fucked.
I'm fucked. I'm fucked.
I fucked
my fucking life, man.
I fucked my life.
Oh shit.
Shit. I can't go to this
fucking premier, dude.
How am I gonna go?
Fuck 'em.
I gotta go to
the fucking premier.
Mr. Phoenix, over here.
Mr. Phoenix, right in front of you,
please, sir.
I'm shooting right now.
I'm shooting.
You fucking
son of a bitch.
Are you fucking
kidding me?
Where's Larry?
I gotta go.
Where's Larry?
The doors don't fucking open.
Can you get the fucking door open?
It doesn't open.
It's just a little joke.
I'm the fucking joke?
You're the joke!
I'm doing more than what anyone
fucking expects!
And then-- and you literally
are fucking off.
When people really see what happens,
they're gonna laugh at you!
Not at me.
'Cause I saw the fucking history, dude.
I know you watched the "Letterman" thing
'cause you think it's so fucking funny.
You're a broken alkie.
You're a fucking piece of shit.
I shit on your face, man.
Honestly, I shit
on your fucking face.
I am really sorry
that it's gone this way.
I know that things
have been getting weird
between us over the past
fucking few months.
What's been weird
between us?
Things have gotten weird between us, dude,
and I am sorry.
I am sorry for my part in it.
I am sorry.
But you can't fucking go on treating me
like I'm an asshole all the time.
You know what?
You are an asshole.
Joaq, you cannot keep
talking to me this way...
- You're an asshole.
- ...the whole fucking time.
You're an asshole.
- There is some part of you...
- I don't know how come you see--
- ...that is enviously jealous.
- Oh, dude, please!
- Listen to me!
- I am listening to you!
Well, not when
you're talking like that!
You don't have to be
the fucking exorcist, dude.
Just fucking talk
like a normal human being.
You think you know everything
that's happening, but you don't.
Listen, you've got to understand
one thing, okay?
That's why
you don't see it, dude.
Antony, I'm telling you
I'm serious.
- Dude, don't fucking hit me.
- I'll knock your fucking--
I'll knock your teeth out
and I'll shit on your fucking face.
Fuck you.
You want to test it, do it.
You've shit on my fucking life
enough times.
What can I do for you?
Not fuck things up!
Not fuck up my fucking life.
Not make me look
like I'm a fucking joke.
I know that sometimes
I fucking get out of fucking place.
I'm an intense guy.
I'm a passionate guy.
And that bleeds through into my life,
but that's because I do something.
Know what I mean? Whether I was acting
or whether I was doing music
or whatever it is,
I give myself to something.
What's your bit?
What is your bit?
I mean, it's almost comical.
Like I literally was angry
and now I almost-- like,
I feel sorry for you, dude.
You're a bitless dude.
I have fucking bits.
What the fuck do you have?
Haven't you seen me?
You've seen the fucking stuff I do,
you see how people are affected by it.
You know that I affect people
in a fucking positive way.
So what I'm saying is what are you
gonna do with your fucking life?
You took too long.
That's what I'm saying, dude.
You're not fucking assertive.
I agree.
I don't need to have this conversation.
Fuck the peace, fuck the bullshit.
I'm trying to do you a favor.
I'm talking to you as a friend
and I'm trying to do
other people a favor to see this,
to know what it's like,
to understand what I go through.
They don't know
what it's like, dude.
Did you have to go
on fucking Letterman?
How could I possibly concentrate
when I'm dealing with--
- They don't want me on Letterman.
- Excuse me!
When I'm fucking dealing
with fucking Diddy
and his fullness,
his idea of what's right?
They're actually gonna see
how fucking hard it is.
I came in here to talk
and now, you know what, dude?
Think of a fucking bit
But fuck off anyways, dude.
Honestly, Ant, I'm through with you.
Do whatever the fuck you want.
And I hope one day
I see a bit that's worthwhile
that you were involved in.
Although I find that
highly unlikely.
You want a bit?
I'll give you a bit.
Oh the fuck are you--?!
Oh fuck, oh!
What the fuck are you
fucking doing?
- Oh!
- The fuck you doing?
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck is that?
Is that human
fucking shit, dude?
Did someone just
human shit on me?
Let me see.
Oh man, fuck.
- Jesus.
- I'm gonna fucking kill him.
I'm gonna fucking murder him.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get out of here.
Please welcome
Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller.
are the unsung heroes of movies.
They live and breathe
shadow and light.
Their work is the bedrock
of every production.
This is ridiculous.
You're chewing gum at the Oscars.
Okay, I'll take it out.
- What's going on with you?
- Nothing.
I just want to retire from being
a funny guy, that's all.
You look like you work
at a Hasidic meth lab.
What do you want to do?
- What do you want to do?
- I don't know.
The documentaries
nominated here today
could not be more different.
And yet as we face anxiety
and uncertainty at the dawn of this--
will you shut the fuck up?
It's fucking distracting.
I've given up acting.
You've given up acting?!
You've given up shaving.
There's a difference.
I'm gonna do my
Joaquin Phoenix for you.
I'm as giddy
as Joaquin Phoenix
with a ballpoint pen
and a blank prescription pad.
We better call Puff Daddy...
Phoenix has gone completely nuts.
Earlier this month
You might recall
actor Joaquin Phoenix made
a rather odd appearance, to put it mildly.
Everybody, it looks like
Joaquin Phoenix is finished.
And if he wasn't such an asshole,
this would kinda be a sad day.
He should have stayed Joaquin Phoenix,
the tortured actor. This rapping thing?
It's like somebody turning the lights on
in a bar at 2:00 a.m.
It just looks fucking horrible.
But before we mourn his 15 minutes,
let's remember that prior to J.P.,
he was Joaquin Phoenix,
which wasn't even his real name either.
It was like Leaf Jacobs
or some shit like that.
He is a product of ambition--
just a hipper vegan Tom Cruise.
You know, all that noise about "I am the guy
who doesn't care what you think of me;
I don't watch my movies;
I'm so real"
was not only annoying bullshit,
but it obscured the fact
that he was just a fucking ham
even when he mumbled.
Now maybe we can appreciate
the subtle, more refined talents
of a-- dare I say--
Leonardo DiCaprio,
or a Matt Damon?
Is it real?
It really doesn't matter.
Hugh Grant got head from that hooker
and was forgiven
before his "Leno" appearance
went to commercial.
And Britney shaved her head
and showed us her pussy
and we still wanted more.
But Phoenix is fucked
because even behind
that homeless man's beard
and without showing
his genitalia,
he has still managed to empty
his little bucket of mystery all over the floor.
Leaf, Joaquin, J.P.,
all three of you are finished.
There's no spectacle to hope for,
no fantasy to imagine.
The thrill is gone.
Hey, David.
Yeah, it's Larry.
With Joaquin.
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you
about getting Joaquin
down there at LIV
to perform this week.
Is Wednesday a big night?
I mean, is the place
going to be packed or--?
- I just talked to David.
- David?
- Yeah, the guy from Miami.
- Oh yeah?
- And what did he say?
- Wednesday night.
- Wednesday?
- Yeah.
Why the fuck Wednesday?
He says it's a good night.
You know, like hip crowd,
they'll like your music.
The guy down in Miami
had doubts about, you know,
Joaquin's abilities
and I had to reassure him
a little bit
that it wasn't going to be
another "Letterman" thing.
I don't know.
I mean...
I can't question that.
If he wants to do something, we do it.
A charity's being formed
for this deformity
'Cause man can't conform for nobody...
How-- what's that sound like?
What can I say to Antony
but "Fuck you"?
No, all right.
Do you have reverb on the vocal?
- Uh, no.
- No, nothing.
Uh-huh. And the track
isn't running through the board at all?
There's no--
we can't E.Q. the track?
I'm still real, I won't kneel
Unless it's God,
my team will know how I feel
I never sold out, never,
my good soul, never
I live forever,
I'm the one that God's chosen, bitch.
Go go go go.
Coming in through the deejay booth.
Be by the deejay booth.
Side of the stage.
Bring him through the stage.
Go go go go!
The side of the stage--
bring him
off the side of the stage-- go!
What the fuck is up, Miami?!
And now let's hear it...
for J.P., baby.
Let's motherfucking rock!
Fuck you.
I'm still here,
I don't scare
I don't fear,
don't even fear fucking fear
I never crack, never,
I don't give, never
I live forever,
I'm the one that God...
I'm still real,
I won't kneel
Unless it's God,
my team know how I feel
I never sold out, never,
my good soul, never
I live forever,
I'm the one that God chose
I heard the call,
alarms sounding off
Feeling guilty 'cause my night
was spent fucking off
History perverted me,
words can never harm me
Saying I'm the epitome
of a fucking rap self-parody
A charity's being formed
for this deformity
This man can't conform
for nobody
I made it here despite
the efforts of a few
What can I say to a punk
but "Fuck you"?
I must confess,
I'm preposterous at best
A pretentious mess,
can't get himself even dressed
In response I don't get mad,
I shake you off
Waving goodbye
like I was last year's fad
on you I won't be betting
I let it go so long as you know
that I'm stormy weather
And whether or not
you're better or not
Couldn't make a lick of difference
from where I'm sitting at the top
Here through these years,
I don't scare
Don't even fear
fucking fear
I never crack, never,
I don't give, never
I'll throw it down,
you can bet on that, fella
I'm still real,
I won't kneel
Unless it's God,
my team know how I feel
I never sold out, never,
my good soul, never
Live forever, I'm the one
that God's chosen, bitch
Long-winded letters
that I've written
Once a snake has bitten,
I'll forgive but won't forget it
Not talking revenge,
I don't have the time to do to you
All the fucked-up things,
fantasies of ruining you
Ain't got a crew,
but I'll take on yours
Gotta wrap this shit up with you
'cause I'm so fucking bored
Just this one thing
I gotta say
To let you know,
to get it off my chest
Before this long rest
I never betrayed you,
I never did what you thought I did
Still you came at me
swinging, kid
Nevertheless I wish you the best
and pray you get to heaven
But more than likely
you'll be burning with the devil
Here through these years
I don't fear,
don't even fear fucking fear
I never crack, never,
I don't give, never
I throw it down,
you can bet on that, fella
I'm still real,
I won't kneel
Unless it's God,
my team know how I feel
I never sold out, never,
my good soul, never
I live forever,
I'm the one that God's chosen
So, LIV,
it's good to see y'all.
Dude, what's your
fucking problem?
Shut the fuck up.
You wanna get up here
and try and fucking do it, bitch?
Show it, yeah.
Sorry, we got a fucking asshole
in the audience.
Fucking shut up, dude.
Does my suit cost more
than you fucking make
in a fucking week, dude?
Is that why?
Dude, I got a million dollars
in a fucking bank account.
What do you got, bitch?
You washing dishes?
You standing around washing dishes,
you gonna come make fun of me?
All right,
taking the next song--
uh... what?
You motherfucking asshole.
Oh, grab it!
Get off.
Joaquin, Joaquin, Joaquin.
Is that it?
- I'll get some towels.
- And water.
Here you go.
Can I get some water too,
We'll take the back
so they won't get you.
I hope.
You all right?
Dude, that was
a good show.
When I dream
I dream of you
And if I'm wrong,
we'll know it's true
It takes more than sacrifice
To keep love--
It disappears just like the dew
Well, there's
Cool water in you
Well, you know that there's
Cool water in you
You know there's
Cool water in you
Well, there's cool water
In you.