I'm with Lucy (2002) Movie Script
He's gorgeous.
Yeah. And he's flawless.
I'm full of flaws.
I'm moody, allergic,
have low self-esteem and obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
People have always said, "Lucy, love
isn't about finding the perfect man."
But Peter is perfect.
I don't believe in karma
and vibes and that stuff,
but I do know
that we want to be in love forever.
I want out of this relationship.
I'm sexually unsatisfied.
It's not that I don't
find you attractive...
But the technique is primitive.
There's no spark.
For a while I thought
it was just something I had to get through.
Some kind of sexual discomfort...
I didn't want to say anything,
because I didn't want to embarrass you.
But...
Didn't your mom want
a food processor? Sixth floor.
Is this the best way? Drive over
to 3rd Avenue and then three streets further.
- Imagine, we're picking up Melissa!
- Relax. We've got plenty of time.
- Melissa lives on the left.
- No, on the right.
Can you believe she and Dennis
have broken up again.
- She's taking it calmly. I think.
- Drive!
Melissa, let me
find a nice guy for you.
You've been trying that since college.
I've never said yes. It's naive.
Going out with a total stranger
I've never met. What a waste!
No date is a waste. It's
part of your cosmic dating process.
- Cosmic..?
- So you date different types of men.
You think you've found the right one,
but fate can surprise you.
It only surprises Americans.
From now on I'm staying home.
Remember when Lucy was like that?
We forced her out of the house.
- You didn't force me.
- We did.
Come out of the bathroom!
You have to start going out again.
Why haven't you tidied up?
- Lucy?
- No, I'm Jo. Lucy's sister.
- Are you coming out?
- No!
- Should I come back later?
- No.
Come in. Have a seat.
- Lucy!
- No!
Lucy is scrubbing the bathroom floor.
She's really particular about it.
You idiot. I love you.
I love you too.
- I've never been on a blind date.
- I thought you'd gone out again.
Yeah, it's time to get over Peter
and move on.
Forget the past and go out with other people.
I'm totally fine with that.
- Thanks for sending him home.
- I didn't send him home.
- I'm too drunk to leave.
- Then sober up.
Think sober thoughts.
Just go!
Enjoy yourselves!
You must be Doug.
White wine?
SECOND DATE
GABRIEL
MAY
Your makeup looks nice.
- Good day.
- It's rude to spy on people.
- Sorry. I like the peephole.
- What if I spied on you in the bathroom?
Then you'd be arrested.
I look good when I pee.
- You've got a creek inside your place.
- Yes, I love nature.
- I can see that. It's beautiful.
- It cost me 15,000 dollars.
That there is real Pseuderanthemum.
And those are real laurel bushes.
Authenticity, you know...
It's relaxing. It helps me
write my plays.
Yeah, they say nothing is
like having a creek in the house.
THIRD DATE
BOBBY
JULY
Melissa, I have to hang up.
I don't want to talk about it now.
Bad timing.
Because I have a date.
One moment...
No. We have to talk about it tomorrow.
Sorry I'm late.
There was an accident in the Lincoln Tunnel.
What about the macho look
and the cool sunglasses?
- Three men asked for my autograph.
- He's a loser.
I stood in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel
and signed autographs.
One of them had no paper,
so I signed his bumper.
I wrote: 'To the Honda Accord. Best regards from...'
'Bobby Staley.'
- What is it?\N- Do you know who I am?
Yes. You're my hairdresser's cousin. She set up a date.
Except for that. Except for that!
FOURTH DATE\NBARRY
SEPTEMBER
- It's a refrigerator for a dwarf.\N- The note says mini model.
You've been here twice with the wrong refrigerator.
- I want a normal refrigerator.\N- What is 'normal'?
Go away. I'm not putting up with this. My hearing is off. I have hay fever.
I don't need a refrigerator. I don't eat!
What the hell is this now?\N- What are you talking about?
- Hi.\N- Lucy.
Barry.
New hairdo...
- I like your decor.\N- I just moved in.
- I just gave you a flower.\N- Do you want a medal?
Sorry. I've had a bad day. I have allergies and no medicine.
I haven't eaten all day. I had to kick one. He wanted to hit me.
Who?
The guy I had to fire for stealing software.
You weren't listening. You rambled on about your allergy.
- Calm down!\N- Give me back my flower.
Okay. Let's start over.\N- Fine.
Hi, Barry. Nice to meet you. I don't have a refrigerator.
FIFTH DATE\NLUKE
DECEMBER
- Are you Lucy?\N- Yes. I'm Lucy.
I'm Luke. Hop in.
- Mitch says you're a journalist.\N- Yes, I write for 'Self'.
I'm writing an article about\nthe harmful effects of the sun on the skin.
- That sounds cool.\N- Extremely interesting.
- You're from New York?\N- Yes.
- And you're here from Miami?\N- I've only lived here for three years.
I'm moving to New York soon.
Westchester. I'm fixing up a 14-room Victorian house.
I love 14-room Victorian houses. And where do you live now?
- In Miami.
- Oh, right. That's true.
And you're an orthopedist?
Tell me about knees.
- What do you want to know?
- Everything. I love knees.
Well... I see a lot of knees.
Knees with gout and damaged menisci.
Worn-out cruciate ligaments.
"With bandages, water and sponge,
I hasten to my wounded."
- That's Walt Whitman.
- God, you know him?
- He's my favorite poet.
- Mine too.
Maybe that worked for Lucy.
What's the guy I'm meeting like?
I didn't think
you were interested, Melissa.
Is he tall? Tanned?
Muscular?
- He has a sexy butt.
- What's wrong with you?
Not that it's a deciding factor,
but I went to a psychic.
And she said,
"You're going to meet someone with a sexy butt."
The whole way here you've been talking
about the five guys Lucy dated.
Melissa, in an hour
Lucy is marrying one of those guys.
My tongue feels like leather.
I see you have
an amazing collection of jazz records.
I see you have a beauty mark
with two black hairs on your neck.
- Why are you staring at my books?
- Sorry. That was rude of me.
Why don't you just ask
my bra size? It's 34B, okay?
- I don't usually drink.
- I'm a bit nervous myself.
This is my first date
since my divorce.
- That sounds strange to say. Yeah.
- Sorry. I didn't know.
Well...
Is that Thoreau? The nature guy.
I loved that book.
- I read it when I was 15.
- Could you stop with those books?
Sorry.
- Nature is wonderful, isn't it?
- Yes.
I was flattered by your article.
You had read my plays.
- I was just doing my job.
- No, it was very insightful.
There are a lot of gossip journalists.
Sorry.
They only write about my
love life. It cheapens my work.
Even if it gets me some publicity.
But what you did
was very... familiar.
You follow my work
and write about it responsibly.
- What?
- Our work is very similar.
I'm a playwright
and you're a journalist.
But we both write as journalists
about the human condition.
And I think we're obligated
to tell the truth. Right?
- Come on! Who am I?
- A strange man with an umbrella.
Think baseball. Baseball.
- Did you play baseball?
- For the Mets. Damn right!
- Throw me the orange.
- What? No.
You're the first woman I've dated
who doesn't know who I am.
"Woman"?
Fine. What position do I play?
- Can't we just go out?
- Where to?
I have tickets
to the Vivaldi concert.
- You're not going to cook?
- Where did you get that idea?
- A lot of girls cook on a date.
- What girls? Women?
You show them your World Series ring,
and they run out and make a souffl?
I've never played in the World Series.
It's a bitter thing.
I played as an amateur for ten years,
and in '86 I was finally picked up.
We won the championship,
and in September I pulled my groin.
Can you imagine what it's like
to have your career end because of that?
- No. Let's just go out now.
- Let's flip a coin.
Heads, we go to the concert.
Tails, we stay here,
and you cook.
- Heads or tails? Heads?
- I don't want to do this. Heads!
I was with a girl for a year,
but I broke up with her. She was psychic.
In guy-speak, that means:
"She had feelings, and it didn't work out."
No. She laid tarot cards
for her budgie. She was psychic.
I don't get the guy in my shop.
He systematically steals software.
Systematically steals software.
You could call that alliteration.
- I need something for my allergies.
- I have NasalFree.
No, NasalFree doesn't help me.
The antihistamines don't get in.
Yes, you hear that a lot.
The antihistamines don't get in.
- Do you have Aller-Drip 4-hour relief?
- I have a 12-hour one. It's good.
They stop working after six.
So you can take more six hours later. It can cause dizziness.
And if I were a child, hyperactivity. I need the 4-hour ones.
- I have NasalFree in capsules.
- No, those don't work.
The antihistamines don't get in.
- What does that mean?
- No idea.
What about you? Any exciting affairs?
I was with someone just recently,
but maybe he was the wrong type, -
- or maybe I was the wrong type.
I don't know anything anymore.
- The capital of Idaho?
- Boise.
There we go!
I just love that song.
Oh, that song...
Darling, I want you,
darling, I need you
you're the only one
who has really hurt me
maybe I'm crazy,
but I can't live without
your love and tenderness
to show me...
- Do you like fishing?
- What?
Yes, I love fishing.
I was a big angler in college.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
We're going down to the marina. A colleague
of mine, actually my old teacher, -
- Dr. Zalkind, has rented a boat.
Do you like fishing for sea bass?
The 'fish' sea bass?
Do you want to talk about
what's troubling us?
Boring!
- Let's talk about your job.
- I'm an entomologist.
- That's something about beetles, right?
- Yes, but now they're called insects.
Beetles are a type of insect
belonging to the order Hemiptera, -
- of which there are 4,500 in North America
and over 40,000 species worldwide.
Nearly all true beetles have
a pair of front wings that fold...
...along the back. Hemelytra,
as they're called, hemel... hemelytra.
They are leathery at the base
and membranous at the tip.
What is it?
We're going to Vivaldi.
- We had to flip heads or tails 13 times.
- As long as it wasn't a coincidence.
- It's not supposed to be a coincidence, right?
- What are you doing?
I didn't mean anything by it.
It's a reflex. Something in the muscles.
I don't know who you're dating,
but I don't kiss on the first date.
- Sorry. It was just a reflex.
- Time out.
Is this the borderline of madness?
You don't do that, Bobby.
- Do you go out with girls often?
- Yes.
Who does that to you?
Nobody does that!
- What's your philosophy?
- What?
Everyone has one.
Like a phone or a liver.
- I don't have one.
- Stop it. Everyone has one.
- How do you view the world?
- Let me see... My philosophy is...
Okay, I think we've been placed here
on Earth to look out for each other.
Earth is a very isolated place.
A lot of people don't care about each other.
It bothers me. I've thought
a lot about it. That's my view.
- What's your philosophy?
- My philosophy?
- Stop it! Did you get that?
- Yes. Sorry.
I don't kiss on the first date.
- I got it.
- I'm not kissing you.
Wait, wait!
That's weird. I don't know you.
I don't usually do this.
Don't overthink it.
It ruins things.
Maybe you're right. But can I
tell you what I was thinking about?
What if I'm sabotaging
a good relationship by having sex right now?
What if it creates
a false sense of intimacy,
that feels good
but is just a fantasy
based on how we think
we should be when we have sex?
What if that false sense
rules out any natural
need for real intimacy?
I liked
that you sucked on my fingers.
- Where should we go?
- I thought we could eat.
- Are you hungry?
- Yes.
- Sweetie, what are you doing here?
- What a lovely surprise.
- Hi. How are you doing?
- Hi, Mom.
- Nice haircut.
- Didn't you wash your hair?
- Who are you?
- Barry.
- A nice, young man.
- What do you do for a living, Barry?
- Dad, nobody says "for a living" anymore.
- I own a computer store.
- Nice. I'm in textiles.
- Do you use business software?
- It's hay fever season.
- I have NasalFree.
I have NasalFree too.
She doesn't want it.
- I've got 12-hour Aller-Drip.
- Mom, I can only use the 4-hour one.
- Have you two eaten?
- We were just about to have lunch.
We live right around the corner.
I don't want to ruin your date.
Would you like some brisket?
Just to keep the hunger away.
- Yes, please.
- Come on.
- What are you two doing?
- Don't be so boring!
- I'm out with someone.
- Then he'll want to have fun.
- What happened to your wrist?
- I went roller-skating...
And you fell when you tried to stop,
and broke your wrist?
Yeah, exactly.
Lucy, this is my mentor, the ultimate
orthopedic god, Mort Zalkind.
Don't forget the orthopedic god's
beautiful daughter, Eve.
The last time I saw you, you were about 11.
12. I was into horseback riding,
and you came to one of our barbecues.
- I showed you how to...
- Sit properly.
Follow the horse's movements...
- Yes. You were amazing.
- Eve has a good memory.
- Yes. Obviously.
- Shall we go fishing?
- What happened to your wrist?
- I broke it in karate.
Maybe... Maybe...
Maybe you should go easy
on the wine?
Sorry. She's just
come back from Antarctica.
A toast to abstinence.
I'd like to propose...
...a toast.
To you and me. Lucy and Doug.
Two people who have been
through a lot of pain, -
- and probably a lot of
whining and complaining about life. So...
Whether we end up
apart or together, -
- near or far, let's toast
to the happiness that awaits us.
And embrace the great,
cosmic process -
- that brought us together here tonight.
Cheers.
- That was very beautiful.
- Even entomologists can liven up.
Only God and I know
exactly how I'm feeling right now.
I'm not God,
but may I guess?
It's like you float along calmly
on a log raft down a long, still river.
Very peaceful. How did you know that?
I'd rather not talk about it. Are you psychic?
Promise you won't think I've gone crazy or...
I can feel your energy in the room.
Feel my energy?
I sense your energy.
What is it?
You're far more advanced than I am.
Yes, you are. I'm completely unspiritual.
I can never sense anyone's energy,
pick up on vibrations
or karma or anything like that.
I've often tried.
- That's all right.
- I'm spiritually handicapped.
It was a wonderful year.
My batting average was .302.
Then they expanded the roster
in September, and I got in.
Too much of it is about sports.
Men think more about football
than about their own families or lives.
What's this crap?
- Quiet, you caveman!
- Women always put sports down.
- I'm not putting it down.
But men have found an easy way
to work out their frustrations.
Sexual, job-related
and inner frustrations.
I'm not frustrated.
I have an enormous sex life.
Enormous!
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
So, Barry, what can I tell you
about my lovely daughter?
- Nothing.
- Everything. It can't be that bad.
First of all, you should know
she's incredibly stubborn.
Isn't that a fair observation?
I mean it positively.
- She probably won't take it positively.
- She takes everything as an attack.
- Would you like anything in your coffee, Barry?
- No, thank you.
When she was little,
she wanted to be a ballerina.
I was just interested in it.
We couldn't get you out of
that tutu. You slept in it.
- But she didn't have an arch.
- No, her feet are completely flat.
They're useless for dancing.
She has your feet.
It's something genetic.
She didn't get her stubbornness from me.
- Show him your feet.
- No!
- It's not like it's your breasts.
- Mom!
- You're not going to show him your breasts.
- It's fine.
- I'm not showing anyone anything.
- See, Barry? Stubborn.
I'm in hell.
I think I've got a bite.
I can't keep it still.
The problem is
that you're holding it with one hand. Like that.
How's that?
- Much better.
- You're good with the rod.
- You're good with the rod...
- Sorry?
- What? Nothing.
- What do you actually do?
- I train dogs.
Oh, how sweet.
Luke, you should see her
with Great Danes at 80 kilos.
- They're like puppies.
- I've had two Rottweilers.
- God! That's my favorite dog.
- It is not!
I've never
traveled to an exotic country.
I've never learned
to play any instrument.
I've never had a dog
that loved me.
I had a cocker spaniel once.
I think it respected me.
I've never been thrown
out of a restaurant before.
Let me...
- Are you taking Xanax?
- No.
They're my friend's.
I'm holding them for her.
She gets paranoid if...
We did experiments with Xanax
on certain wasp species.
And even in small doses it suppressed
their aggression. Very logical.
Do you think
I have too much aggression?
- What are you saying?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Why not?
With all that alcohol
in your system, you could easily go into a coma.
I can feel the energy
from your ear flip.
See?
That proves you're spiritual.
- Does it?
- Yes. Very much so.
You have the sea air beneath you.
And the mist and the moon
and the clouds of time through your hair.
- So that was your first play?
- Yes.
I remember that role well. He thinks
he's a reincarnation of Julius Caesar.
- Good memory!
- Yeah.
- I liked him.
- So did I.
- Wait. His name was Gabriel, right?
- Yes, it's an autobiographical play.
Were you Julius Caesar
in a past life?
Yes.
Is that a problem?
- Delicious ox tongue, Mrs. F.
- Just eat! There's more.
- It's getting late.
- He likes it.
I'm on a date!
Oh my God! Sorry.
Look at that! Hold still.
- Do you have sparkling water?
- Forget it. You have to burn that one.
I have lots of shirts
I never wear.
Relax. I have lots of shirts.
You can have one of mine.
- That's why I don't bring men home.
- Lucy, I love him!
This is Lucy's room.
We've left everything as it was.
I'll find the shirt. Thanks.
That's a Gauguin.
He's my favorite painter,
after Modigliani.
Modigliani is my favorite painter,
after Matisse, Vermeer and Hockney.
Tahiti is the island I'd most like to go to,
ahead of Maui, Madagascar and Guam.
- Me too.
- Really?
- We should go there.
- We'll leave after dinner.
- I'll just change my shirt.
- I'll find one for you.
- I don't know what's in here, but...
- George Michael!
- You two were apparently really in love.
- Just grab a shirt.
- What are you doing?
- I don't want to watch you take off your clothes.
Why not? Someone has to.
- Are you peeking?
- No.
I peeked at the pouch by the door.
It's about to fall off.
That's the ugliest shirt
you've ever worn.
- You've only known me for a day.
- Trust me. It's hideous.
- It's... What's wrong with your neck?
- There's something stuck back here.
Let me see. It's probably...
It's a little tag or something.
A dry-cleaning label.
There was a tag on the shirt, and it was scratching me. A dry-cleaning tag.
- It was scratching and...
- It was...
Okay. Your mom has served cake.
- Here it comes!
- I can smell it! Oh yes!
- Careful. It's coming now.
- It's amazing!
- It's huge!
- We've got it.
Yes, it's Lucy. I'm on a date with an incredible guy.
Luke? Things are going well with Luke.
He's flirting with my coworker's daughter. She's coming on to him.
Someone else is flirting with him too. Don't panic. Hang in there.
- Show him your butt.
- No!
- Calm down.
- She's going to get the upper hand.
What if I'm not tan enough? I can't fake a sunburn.
- It's awful, Jo.
- Eve just caught a huge fish!
My brain. It's like porridge.
I can't think. I can't breathe.
Only the pills are working now.
I can't breathe. I'm going to die.
- Take it easy. You're not going to die.
- Help!
I'm going into a coma!
- Come here...
- Help me up!
Now I feel better. Let's have a snowball fight.
I'm writing an article about four-wheel-drive vehicles.
Ram Charger, Isuzu Trooper. How they symbolize sexual power.
Gabriel? We need to get to know each other better.
That's impossible. We just slept together.
- Did you put salt in the water?
- No.
There's something we can do that isn't sexual. Put salt in the water.
You could say that.
- Did you like the music?
- Yes, it was good.
- It was old, but good.
- That was a nice review.
- Do you have a date?
- No, I'm just... a bit restless.
It's been over an hour, and nobody has asked for your autograph.
- What do you mean by that?
- Nothing.
I'm not exactly your type.
Maybe you should go out with a dead gay guy like that Mozart.
- He wrote 41 symphonies, you know.
- I hit 41 home runs in '79.
- And he wrote operas and quartets.
- I was named Rookie of the Year.
- He performed for the court when he was nine.
- You know what? Forget it.
- Look how thin her ankles were!
- What an idiot.
- I used to play on that statue too.
- Oh? I might have seen you.
You were such a tomboy.
You thought she'd turn out to be a lesbian.
Wasn't that the day you got your first period cramps?
- Apparently she still has them.
- I'm leaving! That's enough!
- Darling!
- What did I say?
I'm enjoying myself. They're nice people.
First it's flat feet, and now it's period cramps?
My parents are like that too.
But I've never walked into a movie halfway through.
- Here's Lucy in high school. Barry, look.
- You promised you'd cut that out!
Why? You look lovely
with that black lipstick.
You were incredible. You were so angry.
Just look at that black lipstick.
Remember how I wanted to send you
to boarding school in Switzerland?
She got sent home from school.
She walked around carrying a skull.
- She scared the other kids.
- Really?
Lucy?
- Are you two ready for some tennis?
- What about her broken hand?
- The two of us can play.
- I can play just fine!
Come on! What?
- Are you trying to kill her?
- I'm just trying to win.
Do you enjoy serving aces
against girls and old men?
- Who are you calling an old man?
- I'm not a girl!
What's the matter?
Don't you have any competitive spirit?
- Forty-fifteen.
- Take it easy. Just watch the ball.
- You're serving well, Luke!
- She thinks I'm serving well.
- Then marry her.
- Why do we have to argue?
- We're just playing tennis. Relax.
- "Relax"? What do you mean by that?
I'm not a relaxed person.
I'm constantly tense.
So we got married,
and everything seemed pretty idyllic.
After a while, the symbolic bond
started to loosen.
And then it was just friendship again.
And that isn't enough in a marriage.
That's what she said, at least.
And she was right. I know it well.
Women are much braver
than men. Men are much more...
...unwilling to end things.
- I think we should get married.
- Excuse me?
You're a pretty sensible guy,
and I'm a sensible girl.
We probably have about the same taste.
I just want to...
...save time together.
What do you say?
That...
It's a bit sudden.
- We're out of squash.
- Should we do that?
Yes. It goes in the sauce.
I'll go down and get some.
No, I can go. You stay here.
I just need some fresh air.
I'll be right back.
Imagine I agreed to this.
It's the greatest baseball convention ever.
Teaneck, New Jersey.
Just wait and see. They'll roll out
the red carpet when I arrive.
I can't wait.
It's going to be fun.
Hey there.
What do you say?
That's why
America is falling apart.
That's what makes America great.
Do you think they have this in France?
Bobby Staley!
Bobby Staley played for the Mets in '86.
- Hello. This is my son, Mr. Staley.
- What's your name? Tommy?
Can I get an autograph?
I've met Nolan Ryan nine times.
How many times did I get thrown out?
- Nine?
- Yep! But I hit a bad ball.
Bobby, that was really uplifting.
The way you talked to those people.
You saved their evening.
I told you. It's fun.
You're a childhood icon
for all those men.
- What do you mean?
- You're an icon. It's moving.
Men can't handle
getting older.
That their dreams never came true.
And by clinging to sports things,
they cling to childhood.
The time when everything lay ahead of them.
You're a baseball player from back in the day.
That's why you're the icon of their lost youth.
Has anyone ever told you that you think too much?
- All my life.
- You're the icon of overthinking.
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is, and so are you.
I think we make a great double act.
- Do you?
- Yeah. Eve was incredibly needy.
"Luke, help me catch a fish.
Luke, you serve so well."
I couldn't wait to get rid of her so the two of us could be alone.
I had to be nice to her because of her father.
You'll think it's silly, but I bought you a present.
You bought me a present? When? Where?
While we were shopping.
While you were buying champagne,
I slipped into the next shop
and bought something for you.
- Open it. Maybe you'll hate it.
- Unlikely.
That's sweet. You didn't have to,
but I love getting presents.
GRASS STAIN
Look inside.
"To Lucy. Make love to me on the grass.
Loosen your vocal cords."
"Not to words, music or rhymes."
"I don't want a sermon,
even the best one."
"Just the humming I like,
the soft sound of your voice."
Thank you.
- Doug...
- Yeah?
- What time is it?
- Around one. How are you feeling?
Not great.
Sorry I behaved like that.
I'm really...
...embarrassed.
It wasn't that bad.
You were pretty drunk, but...
I feel transformed
by our date.
How so?
Some would say
I'm an overly cautious type.
My wife... my ex-wife always said
on the outside I was tense,
but on the inside I was really
tense. That's not quite right.
But I never thought I'd
get thrown out of a restaurant.
Or steal a big pack of Pop-Tarts
from a convenience store.
You said I didn't have the guts. Otherwise you'd
tell everyone I'm a wimp.
I wasn't so drunk that I don't
remember us stealing Pop-Tarts.
Fine. Strawberry flavor.
I'm a new person. Thank you so much.
Maybe... Maybe we could try
this again some other time,
when I'm not so drunk
and obnoxious and stupid.
Yeah. Maybe.
Maybe.
Thanks.
Idiot...
- Shit!
- Hey!
You scared me.
Don't sneak up on people like that.
- I didn't sneak. I was approaching.
- Yes, you snuck.
- Sorry.
- You changed your shirt.
- It wasn't exactly a normal date.
- What did you think of the family dinner?
Did you really walk around with a picture
of Spandau Ballet in your first bra?
It was pretty funny.
You did that for two years.
Did Mom tell you that?
She promised she'd never tell.
It's not funny.
He doesn't sing it like that at all.
Shut up, Barry. Go away.
Leave me alone.
Shut up.
Leave me be, Barry.
- Hold still.
- Okay. I have something for you.
- I'm not interested, so...
- Take it now.
Okay.
"Aller-Drip 4-Hour Relief."
- Are you happy now?
- Where did you find them?
- I went hunting.
- Nobody carries them anymore.
- I had to go to ten different places.
- You went to ten places for my sake?
I was thinking of you wandering around
sniffling while everyone stared at you.
I had to do something.
This fixes... the situation.
- Now you have 4-hour relief.
- Now I have 4-hour relief.
- I should head up.
- I should head up too.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Good ideas are rarely
appreciated by their own time.
I don't want to do anything rash.
Have you never jumped into bed with someone and
- regretted it right afterward?
No.
Yes, I have.
But we didn't want to sleep together, since you don't have any furniture.
That's true enough...
I'm terrible at singing.
- Then I'll call you.
- Promise?
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
Goodbye.
- What did you say?
- Great.
You're definitely the smartest girl
I've ever been out with.
In baseball, you have to know five things:
You have to hit, hit hard,
position yourself, run fast and throw.
Women have to be beautiful,
clever, capable, glamorous and young.
If you have all five things,
you end up in the Hall of Fame.
Really?
Women don't look at men that way.
How?
We just want a big dick.
Blink!
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
I'm glad
you won the coin toss.
Where did the reflexes go?
The muscles? The kissing?
- I've got that under control.
- Sure...
- I had a good time at the fair.
- I had a good time with Vivaldi.
- I'll call you.
- Great.
Goodbye.
I run better
if I lean forward.
You were right about the arms.
It's much easier.
- Hold my hand so I can reach it.
- If I do that, I'll fall.
- Barry, what are you doing?
- Look at your finger.
- Do you like it?
- Yes, it's lovely.
- But..?
- Nothing. It's pretty.
It's really nice, but we've
only known each other for six weeks.
It's closer to seven.
Lucy, watch out!
- Lucy... Are you all right?
- My wrist.
Are you all right?
Sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I...
I just don't feel ready.
- Everything okay?
- I'm allergic to almonds.
- Are you wearing allergy medicine?
- No, only during hay fever season.
I shouldn't be eating almonds.
Look at the sky.
That's why I love the beach.
I love New York too, but the sky
doesn't have such beautiful colors there.
Look at that blue.
It's just so... blue.
I LOVE YOU
SIX WEEKS LATER
J.F.K. Airport, please.
Any particular route you'd like to take?
Through Tribeca.
- That's not the shortest way.
- That's fine. It's prettier.
Won't you stop here?
Thank you.
I'm trying to sell these.
Lucy?
I thought it was you, yes.
I just didn't recognize the leaves.
That's very strange.
I was just thinking about you.
- And here I am.
- Yes.
- Have you become a garden owner?
- It's a gift for the neighbor's cousin.
She loves oranges,
so I thought it would be nice...
- How are you?
- Good. Very good.
Goodness is floating around me
like a great airship.
- And you?
- Good. I'm doing well.
I'm glad to hear it.
Would you like to come to a party tomorrow night?
The store is celebrating its five-year anniversary.
I can't.
I would really love to come.
But I can't.
Well, but...
Do you want a taxi?
There's one there. Do you want it?
Thank you.
- It was good to see you again.
- Likewise.
- Watch the tree.
- Yes, it's so big.
I wanted a smaller one,
but they didn't have...
These are bigger oranges.
If you change your mind, it's on the
corner of 21st and 5th. Eight o'clock.
Bye.
- Hi, Lucy. I made it.
- How are you?
- Good. Nice flight. What's that?
- Just a welcome gift.
Sit down. You look stunning.
Are you getting your suitcase?
Barry! How are you?
Good to see you.
- Here's your shirt.
- Thank you so much.
What can I do for you?
- Do you have a moment?
- Sure. Come in.
- Lori, it's Barry!
- Coming!
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hey. Nice blouse.
It's official now. Here's my ID card
for the New York hospitals.
That's great. Congratulations.
Come in and sit down.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
It's the hospital. One moment...
Lucy, look out of
your bedroom window.
Sweetheart? Sorry about the phone.
You'll love this place.
It's incredible. I already feel
like a New Yorker.
I've only been here
for a day and a half, and I feel...
For example, there was a homeless man
outside my new building.
And I walked right past him without giving
him a dime. Like a real New Yorker.
Isn't that amazing?
Lucy?
- Aren't you happy that I'm here?
- Yes. I'm just in total shock.
I'm shocked that my apartment
has been renovated.
You should see what I'm doing
with the weekend house in Westchester.
The whole yard is being leveled,
so I can build a tennis court.
The dining room. Oak table,
oak paneling, oak floors.
And this is the basement.
I'm installing a shower stall.
Men don't like bathtubs.
Men like showers.
They like the sound of water. In a bathtub
you have time to think about...
...being naked,
and that can be threatening for a man.
Now we're getting obsessive thoughts again?
- Haven't we talked about this?
- It's just an opinion.
It's just a small obsession.
- Sorry.
- Shower downstairs, and upstairs...
Work nook. Perfect if you want to come and write in peace and quiet.
Are you coming up there this weekend?
I don't know.
Then I'll have to talk you into it.
What are you doing?
My darling Lucy, will you take this man, Luke,
- for a weekend full of happiness in his newly renovated...
- Damn it!
- Sorry.
- Let me...
- No. Let me handle it.
You're a klutz! This is an Armani blouse.
- Do you have mineral water?
- What?
- Do you have mineral water?
- Lucy, hold on a second.
- I'm really sorry.
- Where's the director?
Lucy?
Sweetheart, I need you
you're the only one
who has truly hurt me
maybe I'm crazy
but I can't live without
your love and tenderness
that show me the way
like a guiding star, you help me
through my darkest hour
maybe I'm asking
that you'll always be
by my side
before, my life was
just empty feelings...
Lucy...
I didn't think you'd come.
Hi. My name is Lucy.
Barry... What you did tonight
was the sweetest
- anyone has ever
done for me in my whole life.
I miss you, you're sweet, and I
can't believe we stopped seeing each other.
And I'm sorry
you saw me with Luke.
Lucy, I'm Alan Richmond.
I'm Barry's warehouse manager.
Are you with Luke?
You freaked out when I gave you the ring.
- Lots of lovely memories, huh?
- Alan!
Barry, the timing was just wrong.
What does it mean in girl talk?
"I want to roll in the sand in Miami"?
I'm glad
I was with Luke. Really.
It's not nice to say, but he made me realize how wonderful you are.
I think I always knew who the right one was. Not the perfect one.
I've really tried not to think about you.
But I was at a tax course, and that's when I thought about you.
Taxes are due in April, and my sister's birthday is in April.
She married a vet. So I thought about the day at the zoo,
when we goofed around by the polar bear enclosure.
I miss you so much.
- You should have told me.
- You were in Florida.
Should I have told your doorman?
- You could have come back.
- You could have picked me up earlier.
- I'm sorry about that.
- Are you very upset?
No.
Yes.
Very upset.
Love is so many things,
that I only feel with you,
only with you,
and then there are the things we do...
that I've only ever done with you,
only with you.
Before, love always had its ups and downs
until I finally found love.
I know one thing for certain,
I want to live this life with you,
only with you.
Yes, that's true.
The only thing I want is to live my life with you.
The only thing I want is to live my life with you.
Yes, that's true. I want to live my life with you.
The only thing I want is to live my life with you.
WILL YOU STILL MARRY ME?
The only thing I want
is to live my life with you.
And so I pronounce you, Lucy and Barry, lawfully wed.
You may kiss the bride.
It's lovely. Lovely weather for it.
Melissa, meet Bobby Staley.
Bobby, this is Melissa...
- De Fortuna.
- Hi. Nice dress.
- Thanks. Nice tux.
- It's not rented. I bought it.
Yeah, yeah...
- What's your philosophy?
- My philosophy?
Yeah. And he's flawless.
I'm full of flaws.
I'm moody, allergic,
have low self-esteem and obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
People have always said, "Lucy, love
isn't about finding the perfect man."
But Peter is perfect.
I don't believe in karma
and vibes and that stuff,
but I do know
that we want to be in love forever.
I want out of this relationship.
I'm sexually unsatisfied.
It's not that I don't
find you attractive...
But the technique is primitive.
There's no spark.
For a while I thought
it was just something I had to get through.
Some kind of sexual discomfort...
I didn't want to say anything,
because I didn't want to embarrass you.
But...
Didn't your mom want
a food processor? Sixth floor.
Is this the best way? Drive over
to 3rd Avenue and then three streets further.
- Imagine, we're picking up Melissa!
- Relax. We've got plenty of time.
- Melissa lives on the left.
- No, on the right.
Can you believe she and Dennis
have broken up again.
- She's taking it calmly. I think.
- Drive!
Melissa, let me
find a nice guy for you.
You've been trying that since college.
I've never said yes. It's naive.
Going out with a total stranger
I've never met. What a waste!
No date is a waste. It's
part of your cosmic dating process.
- Cosmic..?
- So you date different types of men.
You think you've found the right one,
but fate can surprise you.
It only surprises Americans.
From now on I'm staying home.
Remember when Lucy was like that?
We forced her out of the house.
- You didn't force me.
- We did.
Come out of the bathroom!
You have to start going out again.
Why haven't you tidied up?
- Lucy?
- No, I'm Jo. Lucy's sister.
- Are you coming out?
- No!
- Should I come back later?
- No.
Come in. Have a seat.
- Lucy!
- No!
Lucy is scrubbing the bathroom floor.
She's really particular about it.
You idiot. I love you.
I love you too.
- I've never been on a blind date.
- I thought you'd gone out again.
Yeah, it's time to get over Peter
and move on.
Forget the past and go out with other people.
I'm totally fine with that.
- Thanks for sending him home.
- I didn't send him home.
- I'm too drunk to leave.
- Then sober up.
Think sober thoughts.
Just go!
Enjoy yourselves!
You must be Doug.
White wine?
SECOND DATE
GABRIEL
MAY
Your makeup looks nice.
- Good day.
- It's rude to spy on people.
- Sorry. I like the peephole.
- What if I spied on you in the bathroom?
Then you'd be arrested.
I look good when I pee.
- You've got a creek inside your place.
- Yes, I love nature.
- I can see that. It's beautiful.
- It cost me 15,000 dollars.
That there is real Pseuderanthemum.
And those are real laurel bushes.
Authenticity, you know...
It's relaxing. It helps me
write my plays.
Yeah, they say nothing is
like having a creek in the house.
THIRD DATE
BOBBY
JULY
Melissa, I have to hang up.
I don't want to talk about it now.
Bad timing.
Because I have a date.
One moment...
No. We have to talk about it tomorrow.
Sorry I'm late.
There was an accident in the Lincoln Tunnel.
What about the macho look
and the cool sunglasses?
- Three men asked for my autograph.
- He's a loser.
I stood in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel
and signed autographs.
One of them had no paper,
so I signed his bumper.
I wrote: 'To the Honda Accord. Best regards from...'
'Bobby Staley.'
- What is it?\N- Do you know who I am?
Yes. You're my hairdresser's cousin. She set up a date.
Except for that. Except for that!
FOURTH DATE\NBARRY
SEPTEMBER
- It's a refrigerator for a dwarf.\N- The note says mini model.
You've been here twice with the wrong refrigerator.
- I want a normal refrigerator.\N- What is 'normal'?
Go away. I'm not putting up with this. My hearing is off. I have hay fever.
I don't need a refrigerator. I don't eat!
What the hell is this now?\N- What are you talking about?
- Hi.\N- Lucy.
Barry.
New hairdo...
- I like your decor.\N- I just moved in.
- I just gave you a flower.\N- Do you want a medal?
Sorry. I've had a bad day. I have allergies and no medicine.
I haven't eaten all day. I had to kick one. He wanted to hit me.
Who?
The guy I had to fire for stealing software.
You weren't listening. You rambled on about your allergy.
- Calm down!\N- Give me back my flower.
Okay. Let's start over.\N- Fine.
Hi, Barry. Nice to meet you. I don't have a refrigerator.
FIFTH DATE\NLUKE
DECEMBER
- Are you Lucy?\N- Yes. I'm Lucy.
I'm Luke. Hop in.
- Mitch says you're a journalist.\N- Yes, I write for 'Self'.
I'm writing an article about\nthe harmful effects of the sun on the skin.
- That sounds cool.\N- Extremely interesting.
- You're from New York?\N- Yes.
- And you're here from Miami?\N- I've only lived here for three years.
I'm moving to New York soon.
Westchester. I'm fixing up a 14-room Victorian house.
I love 14-room Victorian houses. And where do you live now?
- In Miami.
- Oh, right. That's true.
And you're an orthopedist?
Tell me about knees.
- What do you want to know?
- Everything. I love knees.
Well... I see a lot of knees.
Knees with gout and damaged menisci.
Worn-out cruciate ligaments.
"With bandages, water and sponge,
I hasten to my wounded."
- That's Walt Whitman.
- God, you know him?
- He's my favorite poet.
- Mine too.
Maybe that worked for Lucy.
What's the guy I'm meeting like?
I didn't think
you were interested, Melissa.
Is he tall? Tanned?
Muscular?
- He has a sexy butt.
- What's wrong with you?
Not that it's a deciding factor,
but I went to a psychic.
And she said,
"You're going to meet someone with a sexy butt."
The whole way here you've been talking
about the five guys Lucy dated.
Melissa, in an hour
Lucy is marrying one of those guys.
My tongue feels like leather.
I see you have
an amazing collection of jazz records.
I see you have a beauty mark
with two black hairs on your neck.
- Why are you staring at my books?
- Sorry. That was rude of me.
Why don't you just ask
my bra size? It's 34B, okay?
- I don't usually drink.
- I'm a bit nervous myself.
This is my first date
since my divorce.
- That sounds strange to say. Yeah.
- Sorry. I didn't know.
Well...
Is that Thoreau? The nature guy.
I loved that book.
- I read it when I was 15.
- Could you stop with those books?
Sorry.
- Nature is wonderful, isn't it?
- Yes.
I was flattered by your article.
You had read my plays.
- I was just doing my job.
- No, it was very insightful.
There are a lot of gossip journalists.
Sorry.
They only write about my
love life. It cheapens my work.
Even if it gets me some publicity.
But what you did
was very... familiar.
You follow my work
and write about it responsibly.
- What?
- Our work is very similar.
I'm a playwright
and you're a journalist.
But we both write as journalists
about the human condition.
And I think we're obligated
to tell the truth. Right?
- Come on! Who am I?
- A strange man with an umbrella.
Think baseball. Baseball.
- Did you play baseball?
- For the Mets. Damn right!
- Throw me the orange.
- What? No.
You're the first woman I've dated
who doesn't know who I am.
"Woman"?
Fine. What position do I play?
- Can't we just go out?
- Where to?
I have tickets
to the Vivaldi concert.
- You're not going to cook?
- Where did you get that idea?
- A lot of girls cook on a date.
- What girls? Women?
You show them your World Series ring,
and they run out and make a souffl?
I've never played in the World Series.
It's a bitter thing.
I played as an amateur for ten years,
and in '86 I was finally picked up.
We won the championship,
and in September I pulled my groin.
Can you imagine what it's like
to have your career end because of that?
- No. Let's just go out now.
- Let's flip a coin.
Heads, we go to the concert.
Tails, we stay here,
and you cook.
- Heads or tails? Heads?
- I don't want to do this. Heads!
I was with a girl for a year,
but I broke up with her. She was psychic.
In guy-speak, that means:
"She had feelings, and it didn't work out."
No. She laid tarot cards
for her budgie. She was psychic.
I don't get the guy in my shop.
He systematically steals software.
Systematically steals software.
You could call that alliteration.
- I need something for my allergies.
- I have NasalFree.
No, NasalFree doesn't help me.
The antihistamines don't get in.
Yes, you hear that a lot.
The antihistamines don't get in.
- Do you have Aller-Drip 4-hour relief?
- I have a 12-hour one. It's good.
They stop working after six.
So you can take more six hours later. It can cause dizziness.
And if I were a child, hyperactivity. I need the 4-hour ones.
- I have NasalFree in capsules.
- No, those don't work.
The antihistamines don't get in.
- What does that mean?
- No idea.
What about you? Any exciting affairs?
I was with someone just recently,
but maybe he was the wrong type, -
- or maybe I was the wrong type.
I don't know anything anymore.
- The capital of Idaho?
- Boise.
There we go!
I just love that song.
Oh, that song...
Darling, I want you,
darling, I need you
you're the only one
who has really hurt me
maybe I'm crazy,
but I can't live without
your love and tenderness
to show me...
- Do you like fishing?
- What?
Yes, I love fishing.
I was a big angler in college.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
We're going down to the marina. A colleague
of mine, actually my old teacher, -
- Dr. Zalkind, has rented a boat.
Do you like fishing for sea bass?
The 'fish' sea bass?
Do you want to talk about
what's troubling us?
Boring!
- Let's talk about your job.
- I'm an entomologist.
- That's something about beetles, right?
- Yes, but now they're called insects.
Beetles are a type of insect
belonging to the order Hemiptera, -
- of which there are 4,500 in North America
and over 40,000 species worldwide.
Nearly all true beetles have
a pair of front wings that fold...
...along the back. Hemelytra,
as they're called, hemel... hemelytra.
They are leathery at the base
and membranous at the tip.
What is it?
We're going to Vivaldi.
- We had to flip heads or tails 13 times.
- As long as it wasn't a coincidence.
- It's not supposed to be a coincidence, right?
- What are you doing?
I didn't mean anything by it.
It's a reflex. Something in the muscles.
I don't know who you're dating,
but I don't kiss on the first date.
- Sorry. It was just a reflex.
- Time out.
Is this the borderline of madness?
You don't do that, Bobby.
- Do you go out with girls often?
- Yes.
Who does that to you?
Nobody does that!
- What's your philosophy?
- What?
Everyone has one.
Like a phone or a liver.
- I don't have one.
- Stop it. Everyone has one.
- How do you view the world?
- Let me see... My philosophy is...
Okay, I think we've been placed here
on Earth to look out for each other.
Earth is a very isolated place.
A lot of people don't care about each other.
It bothers me. I've thought
a lot about it. That's my view.
- What's your philosophy?
- My philosophy?
- Stop it! Did you get that?
- Yes. Sorry.
I don't kiss on the first date.
- I got it.
- I'm not kissing you.
Wait, wait!
That's weird. I don't know you.
I don't usually do this.
Don't overthink it.
It ruins things.
Maybe you're right. But can I
tell you what I was thinking about?
What if I'm sabotaging
a good relationship by having sex right now?
What if it creates
a false sense of intimacy,
that feels good
but is just a fantasy
based on how we think
we should be when we have sex?
What if that false sense
rules out any natural
need for real intimacy?
I liked
that you sucked on my fingers.
- Where should we go?
- I thought we could eat.
- Are you hungry?
- Yes.
- Sweetie, what are you doing here?
- What a lovely surprise.
- Hi. How are you doing?
- Hi, Mom.
- Nice haircut.
- Didn't you wash your hair?
- Who are you?
- Barry.
- A nice, young man.
- What do you do for a living, Barry?
- Dad, nobody says "for a living" anymore.
- I own a computer store.
- Nice. I'm in textiles.
- Do you use business software?
- It's hay fever season.
- I have NasalFree.
I have NasalFree too.
She doesn't want it.
- I've got 12-hour Aller-Drip.
- Mom, I can only use the 4-hour one.
- Have you two eaten?
- We were just about to have lunch.
We live right around the corner.
I don't want to ruin your date.
Would you like some brisket?
Just to keep the hunger away.
- Yes, please.
- Come on.
- What are you two doing?
- Don't be so boring!
- I'm out with someone.
- Then he'll want to have fun.
- What happened to your wrist?
- I went roller-skating...
And you fell when you tried to stop,
and broke your wrist?
Yeah, exactly.
Lucy, this is my mentor, the ultimate
orthopedic god, Mort Zalkind.
Don't forget the orthopedic god's
beautiful daughter, Eve.
The last time I saw you, you were about 11.
12. I was into horseback riding,
and you came to one of our barbecues.
- I showed you how to...
- Sit properly.
Follow the horse's movements...
- Yes. You were amazing.
- Eve has a good memory.
- Yes. Obviously.
- Shall we go fishing?
- What happened to your wrist?
- I broke it in karate.
Maybe... Maybe...
Maybe you should go easy
on the wine?
Sorry. She's just
come back from Antarctica.
A toast to abstinence.
I'd like to propose...
...a toast.
To you and me. Lucy and Doug.
Two people who have been
through a lot of pain, -
- and probably a lot of
whining and complaining about life. So...
Whether we end up
apart or together, -
- near or far, let's toast
to the happiness that awaits us.
And embrace the great,
cosmic process -
- that brought us together here tonight.
Cheers.
- That was very beautiful.
- Even entomologists can liven up.
Only God and I know
exactly how I'm feeling right now.
I'm not God,
but may I guess?
It's like you float along calmly
on a log raft down a long, still river.
Very peaceful. How did you know that?
I'd rather not talk about it. Are you psychic?
Promise you won't think I've gone crazy or...
I can feel your energy in the room.
Feel my energy?
I sense your energy.
What is it?
You're far more advanced than I am.
Yes, you are. I'm completely unspiritual.
I can never sense anyone's energy,
pick up on vibrations
or karma or anything like that.
I've often tried.
- That's all right.
- I'm spiritually handicapped.
It was a wonderful year.
My batting average was .302.
Then they expanded the roster
in September, and I got in.
Too much of it is about sports.
Men think more about football
than about their own families or lives.
What's this crap?
- Quiet, you caveman!
- Women always put sports down.
- I'm not putting it down.
But men have found an easy way
to work out their frustrations.
Sexual, job-related
and inner frustrations.
I'm not frustrated.
I have an enormous sex life.
Enormous!
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
So, Barry, what can I tell you
about my lovely daughter?
- Nothing.
- Everything. It can't be that bad.
First of all, you should know
she's incredibly stubborn.
Isn't that a fair observation?
I mean it positively.
- She probably won't take it positively.
- She takes everything as an attack.
- Would you like anything in your coffee, Barry?
- No, thank you.
When she was little,
she wanted to be a ballerina.
I was just interested in it.
We couldn't get you out of
that tutu. You slept in it.
- But she didn't have an arch.
- No, her feet are completely flat.
They're useless for dancing.
She has your feet.
It's something genetic.
She didn't get her stubbornness from me.
- Show him your feet.
- No!
- It's not like it's your breasts.
- Mom!
- You're not going to show him your breasts.
- It's fine.
- I'm not showing anyone anything.
- See, Barry? Stubborn.
I'm in hell.
I think I've got a bite.
I can't keep it still.
The problem is
that you're holding it with one hand. Like that.
How's that?
- Much better.
- You're good with the rod.
- You're good with the rod...
- Sorry?
- What? Nothing.
- What do you actually do?
- I train dogs.
Oh, how sweet.
Luke, you should see her
with Great Danes at 80 kilos.
- They're like puppies.
- I've had two Rottweilers.
- God! That's my favorite dog.
- It is not!
I've never
traveled to an exotic country.
I've never learned
to play any instrument.
I've never had a dog
that loved me.
I had a cocker spaniel once.
I think it respected me.
I've never been thrown
out of a restaurant before.
Let me...
- Are you taking Xanax?
- No.
They're my friend's.
I'm holding them for her.
She gets paranoid if...
We did experiments with Xanax
on certain wasp species.
And even in small doses it suppressed
their aggression. Very logical.
Do you think
I have too much aggression?
- What are you saying?
- You shouldn't have done that.
Why not?
With all that alcohol
in your system, you could easily go into a coma.
I can feel the energy
from your ear flip.
See?
That proves you're spiritual.
- Does it?
- Yes. Very much so.
You have the sea air beneath you.
And the mist and the moon
and the clouds of time through your hair.
- So that was your first play?
- Yes.
I remember that role well. He thinks
he's a reincarnation of Julius Caesar.
- Good memory!
- Yeah.
- I liked him.
- So did I.
- Wait. His name was Gabriel, right?
- Yes, it's an autobiographical play.
Were you Julius Caesar
in a past life?
Yes.
Is that a problem?
- Delicious ox tongue, Mrs. F.
- Just eat! There's more.
- It's getting late.
- He likes it.
I'm on a date!
Oh my God! Sorry.
Look at that! Hold still.
- Do you have sparkling water?
- Forget it. You have to burn that one.
I have lots of shirts
I never wear.
Relax. I have lots of shirts.
You can have one of mine.
- That's why I don't bring men home.
- Lucy, I love him!
This is Lucy's room.
We've left everything as it was.
I'll find the shirt. Thanks.
That's a Gauguin.
He's my favorite painter,
after Modigliani.
Modigliani is my favorite painter,
after Matisse, Vermeer and Hockney.
Tahiti is the island I'd most like to go to,
ahead of Maui, Madagascar and Guam.
- Me too.
- Really?
- We should go there.
- We'll leave after dinner.
- I'll just change my shirt.
- I'll find one for you.
- I don't know what's in here, but...
- George Michael!
- You two were apparently really in love.
- Just grab a shirt.
- What are you doing?
- I don't want to watch you take off your clothes.
Why not? Someone has to.
- Are you peeking?
- No.
I peeked at the pouch by the door.
It's about to fall off.
That's the ugliest shirt
you've ever worn.
- You've only known me for a day.
- Trust me. It's hideous.
- It's... What's wrong with your neck?
- There's something stuck back here.
Let me see. It's probably...
It's a little tag or something.
A dry-cleaning label.
There was a tag on the shirt, and it was scratching me. A dry-cleaning tag.
- It was scratching and...
- It was...
Okay. Your mom has served cake.
- Here it comes!
- I can smell it! Oh yes!
- Careful. It's coming now.
- It's amazing!
- It's huge!
- We've got it.
Yes, it's Lucy. I'm on a date with an incredible guy.
Luke? Things are going well with Luke.
He's flirting with my coworker's daughter. She's coming on to him.
Someone else is flirting with him too. Don't panic. Hang in there.
- Show him your butt.
- No!
- Calm down.
- She's going to get the upper hand.
What if I'm not tan enough? I can't fake a sunburn.
- It's awful, Jo.
- Eve just caught a huge fish!
My brain. It's like porridge.
I can't think. I can't breathe.
Only the pills are working now.
I can't breathe. I'm going to die.
- Take it easy. You're not going to die.
- Help!
I'm going into a coma!
- Come here...
- Help me up!
Now I feel better. Let's have a snowball fight.
I'm writing an article about four-wheel-drive vehicles.
Ram Charger, Isuzu Trooper. How they symbolize sexual power.
Gabriel? We need to get to know each other better.
That's impossible. We just slept together.
- Did you put salt in the water?
- No.
There's something we can do that isn't sexual. Put salt in the water.
You could say that.
- Did you like the music?
- Yes, it was good.
- It was old, but good.
- That was a nice review.
- Do you have a date?
- No, I'm just... a bit restless.
It's been over an hour, and nobody has asked for your autograph.
- What do you mean by that?
- Nothing.
I'm not exactly your type.
Maybe you should go out with a dead gay guy like that Mozart.
- He wrote 41 symphonies, you know.
- I hit 41 home runs in '79.
- And he wrote operas and quartets.
- I was named Rookie of the Year.
- He performed for the court when he was nine.
- You know what? Forget it.
- Look how thin her ankles were!
- What an idiot.
- I used to play on that statue too.
- Oh? I might have seen you.
You were such a tomboy.
You thought she'd turn out to be a lesbian.
Wasn't that the day you got your first period cramps?
- Apparently she still has them.
- I'm leaving! That's enough!
- Darling!
- What did I say?
I'm enjoying myself. They're nice people.
First it's flat feet, and now it's period cramps?
My parents are like that too.
But I've never walked into a movie halfway through.
- Here's Lucy in high school. Barry, look.
- You promised you'd cut that out!
Why? You look lovely
with that black lipstick.
You were incredible. You were so angry.
Just look at that black lipstick.
Remember how I wanted to send you
to boarding school in Switzerland?
She got sent home from school.
She walked around carrying a skull.
- She scared the other kids.
- Really?
Lucy?
- Are you two ready for some tennis?
- What about her broken hand?
- The two of us can play.
- I can play just fine!
Come on! What?
- Are you trying to kill her?
- I'm just trying to win.
Do you enjoy serving aces
against girls and old men?
- Who are you calling an old man?
- I'm not a girl!
What's the matter?
Don't you have any competitive spirit?
- Forty-fifteen.
- Take it easy. Just watch the ball.
- You're serving well, Luke!
- She thinks I'm serving well.
- Then marry her.
- Why do we have to argue?
- We're just playing tennis. Relax.
- "Relax"? What do you mean by that?
I'm not a relaxed person.
I'm constantly tense.
So we got married,
and everything seemed pretty idyllic.
After a while, the symbolic bond
started to loosen.
And then it was just friendship again.
And that isn't enough in a marriage.
That's what she said, at least.
And she was right. I know it well.
Women are much braver
than men. Men are much more...
...unwilling to end things.
- I think we should get married.
- Excuse me?
You're a pretty sensible guy,
and I'm a sensible girl.
We probably have about the same taste.
I just want to...
...save time together.
What do you say?
That...
It's a bit sudden.
- We're out of squash.
- Should we do that?
Yes. It goes in the sauce.
I'll go down and get some.
No, I can go. You stay here.
I just need some fresh air.
I'll be right back.
Imagine I agreed to this.
It's the greatest baseball convention ever.
Teaneck, New Jersey.
Just wait and see. They'll roll out
the red carpet when I arrive.
I can't wait.
It's going to be fun.
Hey there.
What do you say?
That's why
America is falling apart.
That's what makes America great.
Do you think they have this in France?
Bobby Staley!
Bobby Staley played for the Mets in '86.
- Hello. This is my son, Mr. Staley.
- What's your name? Tommy?
Can I get an autograph?
I've met Nolan Ryan nine times.
How many times did I get thrown out?
- Nine?
- Yep! But I hit a bad ball.
Bobby, that was really uplifting.
The way you talked to those people.
You saved their evening.
I told you. It's fun.
You're a childhood icon
for all those men.
- What do you mean?
- You're an icon. It's moving.
Men can't handle
getting older.
That their dreams never came true.
And by clinging to sports things,
they cling to childhood.
The time when everything lay ahead of them.
You're a baseball player from back in the day.
That's why you're the icon of their lost youth.
Has anyone ever told you that you think too much?
- All my life.
- You're the icon of overthinking.
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is, and so are you.
I think we make a great double act.
- Do you?
- Yeah. Eve was incredibly needy.
"Luke, help me catch a fish.
Luke, you serve so well."
I couldn't wait to get rid of her so the two of us could be alone.
I had to be nice to her because of her father.
You'll think it's silly, but I bought you a present.
You bought me a present? When? Where?
While we were shopping.
While you were buying champagne,
I slipped into the next shop
and bought something for you.
- Open it. Maybe you'll hate it.
- Unlikely.
That's sweet. You didn't have to,
but I love getting presents.
GRASS STAIN
Look inside.
"To Lucy. Make love to me on the grass.
Loosen your vocal cords."
"Not to words, music or rhymes."
"I don't want a sermon,
even the best one."
"Just the humming I like,
the soft sound of your voice."
Thank you.
- Doug...
- Yeah?
- What time is it?
- Around one. How are you feeling?
Not great.
Sorry I behaved like that.
I'm really...
...embarrassed.
It wasn't that bad.
You were pretty drunk, but...
I feel transformed
by our date.
How so?
Some would say
I'm an overly cautious type.
My wife... my ex-wife always said
on the outside I was tense,
but on the inside I was really
tense. That's not quite right.
But I never thought I'd
get thrown out of a restaurant.
Or steal a big pack of Pop-Tarts
from a convenience store.
You said I didn't have the guts. Otherwise you'd
tell everyone I'm a wimp.
I wasn't so drunk that I don't
remember us stealing Pop-Tarts.
Fine. Strawberry flavor.
I'm a new person. Thank you so much.
Maybe... Maybe we could try
this again some other time,
when I'm not so drunk
and obnoxious and stupid.
Yeah. Maybe.
Maybe.
Thanks.
Idiot...
- Shit!
- Hey!
You scared me.
Don't sneak up on people like that.
- I didn't sneak. I was approaching.
- Yes, you snuck.
- Sorry.
- You changed your shirt.
- It wasn't exactly a normal date.
- What did you think of the family dinner?
Did you really walk around with a picture
of Spandau Ballet in your first bra?
It was pretty funny.
You did that for two years.
Did Mom tell you that?
She promised she'd never tell.
It's not funny.
He doesn't sing it like that at all.
Shut up, Barry. Go away.
Leave me alone.
Shut up.
Leave me be, Barry.
- Hold still.
- Okay. I have something for you.
- I'm not interested, so...
- Take it now.
Okay.
"Aller-Drip 4-Hour Relief."
- Are you happy now?
- Where did you find them?
- I went hunting.
- Nobody carries them anymore.
- I had to go to ten different places.
- You went to ten places for my sake?
I was thinking of you wandering around
sniffling while everyone stared at you.
I had to do something.
This fixes... the situation.
- Now you have 4-hour relief.
- Now I have 4-hour relief.
- I should head up.
- I should head up too.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Good ideas are rarely
appreciated by their own time.
I don't want to do anything rash.
Have you never jumped into bed with someone and
- regretted it right afterward?
No.
Yes, I have.
But we didn't want to sleep together, since you don't have any furniture.
That's true enough...
I'm terrible at singing.
- Then I'll call you.
- Promise?
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
Goodbye.
- What did you say?
- Great.
You're definitely the smartest girl
I've ever been out with.
In baseball, you have to know five things:
You have to hit, hit hard,
position yourself, run fast and throw.
Women have to be beautiful,
clever, capable, glamorous and young.
If you have all five things,
you end up in the Hall of Fame.
Really?
Women don't look at men that way.
How?
We just want a big dick.
Blink!
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
I'm glad
you won the coin toss.
Where did the reflexes go?
The muscles? The kissing?
- I've got that under control.
- Sure...
- I had a good time at the fair.
- I had a good time with Vivaldi.
- I'll call you.
- Great.
Goodbye.
I run better
if I lean forward.
You were right about the arms.
It's much easier.
- Hold my hand so I can reach it.
- If I do that, I'll fall.
- Barry, what are you doing?
- Look at your finger.
- Do you like it?
- Yes, it's lovely.
- But..?
- Nothing. It's pretty.
It's really nice, but we've
only known each other for six weeks.
It's closer to seven.
Lucy, watch out!
- Lucy... Are you all right?
- My wrist.
Are you all right?
Sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I...
I just don't feel ready.
- Everything okay?
- I'm allergic to almonds.
- Are you wearing allergy medicine?
- No, only during hay fever season.
I shouldn't be eating almonds.
Look at the sky.
That's why I love the beach.
I love New York too, but the sky
doesn't have such beautiful colors there.
Look at that blue.
It's just so... blue.
I LOVE YOU
SIX WEEKS LATER
J.F.K. Airport, please.
Any particular route you'd like to take?
Through Tribeca.
- That's not the shortest way.
- That's fine. It's prettier.
Won't you stop here?
Thank you.
I'm trying to sell these.
Lucy?
I thought it was you, yes.
I just didn't recognize the leaves.
That's very strange.
I was just thinking about you.
- And here I am.
- Yes.
- Have you become a garden owner?
- It's a gift for the neighbor's cousin.
She loves oranges,
so I thought it would be nice...
- How are you?
- Good. Very good.
Goodness is floating around me
like a great airship.
- And you?
- Good. I'm doing well.
I'm glad to hear it.
Would you like to come to a party tomorrow night?
The store is celebrating its five-year anniversary.
I can't.
I would really love to come.
But I can't.
Well, but...
Do you want a taxi?
There's one there. Do you want it?
Thank you.
- It was good to see you again.
- Likewise.
- Watch the tree.
- Yes, it's so big.
I wanted a smaller one,
but they didn't have...
These are bigger oranges.
If you change your mind, it's on the
corner of 21st and 5th. Eight o'clock.
Bye.
- Hi, Lucy. I made it.
- How are you?
- Good. Nice flight. What's that?
- Just a welcome gift.
Sit down. You look stunning.
Are you getting your suitcase?
Barry! How are you?
Good to see you.
- Here's your shirt.
- Thank you so much.
What can I do for you?
- Do you have a moment?
- Sure. Come in.
- Lori, it's Barry!
- Coming!
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hey. Nice blouse.
It's official now. Here's my ID card
for the New York hospitals.
That's great. Congratulations.
Come in and sit down.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
It's the hospital. One moment...
Lucy, look out of
your bedroom window.
Sweetheart? Sorry about the phone.
You'll love this place.
It's incredible. I already feel
like a New Yorker.
I've only been here
for a day and a half, and I feel...
For example, there was a homeless man
outside my new building.
And I walked right past him without giving
him a dime. Like a real New Yorker.
Isn't that amazing?
Lucy?
- Aren't you happy that I'm here?
- Yes. I'm just in total shock.
I'm shocked that my apartment
has been renovated.
You should see what I'm doing
with the weekend house in Westchester.
The whole yard is being leveled,
so I can build a tennis court.
The dining room. Oak table,
oak paneling, oak floors.
And this is the basement.
I'm installing a shower stall.
Men don't like bathtubs.
Men like showers.
They like the sound of water. In a bathtub
you have time to think about...
...being naked,
and that can be threatening for a man.
Now we're getting obsessive thoughts again?
- Haven't we talked about this?
- It's just an opinion.
It's just a small obsession.
- Sorry.
- Shower downstairs, and upstairs...
Work nook. Perfect if you want to come and write in peace and quiet.
Are you coming up there this weekend?
I don't know.
Then I'll have to talk you into it.
What are you doing?
My darling Lucy, will you take this man, Luke,
- for a weekend full of happiness in his newly renovated...
- Damn it!
- Sorry.
- Let me...
- No. Let me handle it.
You're a klutz! This is an Armani blouse.
- Do you have mineral water?
- What?
- Do you have mineral water?
- Lucy, hold on a second.
- I'm really sorry.
- Where's the director?
Lucy?
Sweetheart, I need you
you're the only one
who has truly hurt me
maybe I'm crazy
but I can't live without
your love and tenderness
that show me the way
like a guiding star, you help me
through my darkest hour
maybe I'm asking
that you'll always be
by my side
before, my life was
just empty feelings...
Lucy...
I didn't think you'd come.
Hi. My name is Lucy.
Barry... What you did tonight
was the sweetest
- anyone has ever
done for me in my whole life.
I miss you, you're sweet, and I
can't believe we stopped seeing each other.
And I'm sorry
you saw me with Luke.
Lucy, I'm Alan Richmond.
I'm Barry's warehouse manager.
Are you with Luke?
You freaked out when I gave you the ring.
- Lots of lovely memories, huh?
- Alan!
Barry, the timing was just wrong.
What does it mean in girl talk?
"I want to roll in the sand in Miami"?
I'm glad
I was with Luke. Really.
It's not nice to say, but he made me realize how wonderful you are.
I think I always knew who the right one was. Not the perfect one.
I've really tried not to think about you.
But I was at a tax course, and that's when I thought about you.
Taxes are due in April, and my sister's birthday is in April.
She married a vet. So I thought about the day at the zoo,
when we goofed around by the polar bear enclosure.
I miss you so much.
- You should have told me.
- You were in Florida.
Should I have told your doorman?
- You could have come back.
- You could have picked me up earlier.
- I'm sorry about that.
- Are you very upset?
No.
Yes.
Very upset.
Love is so many things,
that I only feel with you,
only with you,
and then there are the things we do...
that I've only ever done with you,
only with you.
Before, love always had its ups and downs
until I finally found love.
I know one thing for certain,
I want to live this life with you,
only with you.
Yes, that's true.
The only thing I want is to live my life with you.
The only thing I want is to live my life with you.
Yes, that's true. I want to live my life with you.
The only thing I want is to live my life with you.
WILL YOU STILL MARRY ME?
The only thing I want
is to live my life with you.
And so I pronounce you, Lucy and Barry, lawfully wed.
You may kiss the bride.
It's lovely. Lovely weather for it.
Melissa, meet Bobby Staley.
Bobby, this is Melissa...
- De Fortuna.
- Hi. Nice dress.
- Thanks. Nice tux.
- It's not rented. I bought it.
Yeah, yeah...
- What's your philosophy?
- My philosophy?