Immigration Tango (2010) Movie Script
[Mambo music playing]
[Pray For Rain singing
Baila Dineroin Spanish]
You're too beautiful
to wake.
I heard that.
You were speaking
in Russian.
What were you dreaming?
About you.
It would have been
in Spanish.
I dreamt I went back home
as an American.
I was with my family,
and they were all asking
about United States.
We were all very happy.
I made you some coffee.
Oh, it's so hot
for coffee, Carlos.
And I also made you
breakfast in bed.
Gracias, mi amor.
But I know something that
it's not too hot for, ever.
Do you know? Hmm?
[Alarm clock ringing]
You know what
I'm talking about?
Dej? Me sola!
Qu? Carajo!
Elena.
VANESSA BEGGS:
# You came to me #
# From far away
across the sea #
# I must concede
I now believe in destiny?
[Alarm clock buzzing]
# The facts agree #
# That we were simply
meant to be #
# It sounds nutty,
but I believe in destiny?
[Gasps]
What time is it?
Uh, it's almost 9:00.
How long were you at it?
Last time I looked,
it was almost 5:00.
I know.
I'm obsessing a little.
A little?
Okay, a lot.
But everything is riding
on this mock trial.
If I flunk, the only
thing I have to show
for the last five years
of my life
is a student loan
that rivals
the debt load of
a Third World country.
Stop worrying
about it.
You'll pass.
I have to pee.
Can I have some privacy,
please?
Okay.
You were supposed
to wake me up early.
I did.
9:15.
That's early.
You were supposed
to get me out of bed,
not get in bed with me.
Hey, I can't help it if
I find you irresistible.
Weren't you supposed
to meet this guy
about managing his restaurant
this morning?
Olv? Dete.
Qu? Vas a ir?
Bueno.
Yo tengo raz? N.
I'm listening.
Actually, I'm not.
I'm late.
I'm gonna go get a real job,
one that pays the rent
on this boat.
I have a job.
Yeah, one that pays
minimum wage, no benefits.
Elena, I'm not management
material, okay?
I don't even own a tie.
I'm an artist, a chef.
That kind of job would
choke the life out of me.
What if you
get sick or hurt?
I won't.
You work in the kitchen
with fire, knives.
You'll take care of me.
You're impossible.
You're beautiful.
What do you think?
Good for an American company?
I would hire you
just to stare at you
all day long.
Wish me good luck.
Good luck.
Nice ass.
I need coffee,
Xanax, something.
Stress is
driving me crazy.
Easy for you to stay,
Mr. Full Ride Scholarship.
I got lucky.
It's not my fault
that I was
the only person
who applied
for that fellowship.
And to have parents that pay
your share of the rent.
It's a loan.
I'm gonna pay 'em back
when I get my PhD.
You know that.
What year might that be?
Ho. I resent that.
I'm sorry, honey.
How long have you been working
on this thesis now?
This dissertation?
[Laughs]
Yeah, it's not
about getting it done
by a deadline, but
getting it done well,
presenting
the English sonnet
in relation to
its form and history.
Must be hard to work up heat
for 14th-century novels.
[Laughs] You know what?
I agree with you.
Um, around here,
it's been hard
to work up anything,
period.
Ouch.
Well, what was the
last time we made love?
It will get better when I
getthrough this semester.
I feel like I heard that
last semester.
I'll make it up to you.
I promise.
Yeah?
By the way,
we need clean towels.
No, no. You're
laundry this week.
Mmm.
Until the 15th, I'm groceries,
garbage, dry cleaning,
and you are laundry,
cleaning and bills.
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Another world goes round
# Doesn't make a sound #
# Round and round and round?
# Doesn't make a sound #
[Telephone rings]
I have to be honest with you.
We're looking for someone
with more real-world experience.
I've got a very long list
of people outside that door
who are overly qualified
to fill this position.
I'm a very fast learner,
willing to try
or do anything.
I'd like to believe
that's true.
I'm sorry.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
It's okay.
[Beep beep]
[Telephone rings]
Yes, sir?
ELENA: Uh, please stop!
MAN: Come on.
Why don't you show me
how grateful you can be?
Are your tits real?
What? This is none
of your business.
I'm sure none of you
foreign brides wear underwear.
Get your hands off me!
I'm warning you.
Ohh! Ohh! [Coughing]
Shit.
MAN: Ow.
[Coughing]
[Muttering]
Disgraceful.
What's going on here?
I can explain.
You're fired.
The death of Mrs. Conner
was no accident.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
Mr. Conner wanted,
simply and plainly,
to punish
his philandering wife.
He chose murdering her
as her ultimate punishment.
# Though I don't know you?
# I know #
# Know that it's true #
# You're out there waiting
Hi, Betty.
It's me.
You're probably in class.
Not important.
Just call me when you can, okay?
# Sing it for me, do #
# Just like I #
# Sing it for you #
# And when I open
my heart, it's #
# It's like it's
never enough #
# Or it's never too much,
oh #
# 'Cause I've forgotten
what it feels like... #
I'm sorry I called.
Betty didn't pick up.
It's okay. I don't mind.
Um, so did you tell
Carlos?
God, no.
He'll kill the creep.
# You're out there waitin'
I feel like such an idiot.
I was so prepared.
I researched the company.
I was so confident,
and then there was a moment
when I realized
if this is what it takes
for me to stay in this country,
then I'll do it.
The guy
should be arrested.
Are you sure you don't
want to call the cops?
I'm a Russian immigrant with
three weeks left on my visa.
What are they gonna do?
Maybe I should kick
the crap out of him.
[Laughs]
Yeah, I like that.
I've been to 14 interviews
since I graduated.
No one wants to sponsor
foreigners anymore.
Who cares if your visa's
not good? Just stay.
Millions of people
do it every year.
No.
I won't stay
if I'm not wanted.
[Winces]
[Dials]
Yeah, give me
Immigration.
[Whistling]
Howard!
[Resumes whistling]
Get here
a little faster, buddy.
Come on. Grab that one, too.
[Claps hands]
I've never been so
humiliated in my life,
not even in Moscow,
where you expect men
to act like pigs.
Well, Elena,
you have legal options.
You don't have to let him
get away with this.
He's only a symptom.
I just don't
have status.
That's the problem.
You're smart and ambitious.
You will find a sponsor.
In three weeks?
I know people who've been
looking for anything
that pays for months.
Way to be supportive,
darlin'.
I'm just
being honest with her.
Ha ha! I made this
specially for you.
Seared monkfish in a wild
mushroom broth. Enjoy it.
Smells so good.
Mmm. This is
better than sex.
Well, maybe you
shouldn't have any.
[Giggles]
Mmm.
Enjoy.
This is great, man,
five star.
Thanks, man.
You are
a true artist, Carlos.
It is what I was born
to do, to give pleasure.
Enjoy it, okay?
Thank you.
I'll see you guys
at closing.
You didn't tell him,
did you?
No, only that
I didn't get the job.
You know Carlos.
He'll do
something stupid
and get himself
deported.
I never realized
how careful
immigrants have to be
all the time.
All I ever wanted was
to come to America
and have a better life.
We'll figure this out.
You are our best friends,
and you're
not going anywhere.
Oh, my God.
Congratulations!
[Claps hands]
Yeah. Ha ha ha ha!
MIKE: What's going on?
They just got engaged.
Oh, how sweet. Hi.
Don't forget my tip.
I mean it.
I know how cheap you are.
ELENA:
I'm worried about them.
CARLOS: They haven't been
getting along for a while.
Yeah, but it's
getting worse now.
I'm lucky I found you.
If I go back to Russia,
would you come with me?
Freeze! Nobody move!
Wh-What?
On the ground!
Let's go! Get on the ground!
Elena Dubrovnik.
Yes.
You're under arrest, sweetheart.
You're coming with me.
We haven't done anything!
Let her go!
We received information
that your immigration
status has expired.
That's a lie. Who gave
you this information?
That's privileged.
Hey, get your hands
off her, man!
Did he also tell you
he tried to molest me?
Molest you?
Who tried to molest you?
Shut the fuck up!
[Blow strikes]
[Door slams shut]
[Door opens]
What'd they
pop you for, honey?
They think I'm illegal.
An accent like that,
you don't exactly
sound American.
I'm Russian.
Oh, you one of those,
uh, mail-order brides?
No. I'm a student.
Ah, well, let me guess.
Cosmetology, huh?
International finance.
Hmm. Well, good luck
with that, sister.
Hey, let me know
when they're hiring
so I don't have to work
on my back.
[Keys jingle]
[Buzzer]
You know, your visa
expires in 20 days,
so if I were you, I'd make
some travel arrangements.
Otherwise,
you're gonna be coming
back here
for an extended stay.
Where is Carlos?
In the car.
This place makes him
a little jumpy.
The agent said they'd received
reliable information
that my status had expired.
CARLOS:
That is bullshit!
Can't we sue the police,
hire a lawyer
or something?
No podemos pagar,
mi amor.
MIKE:
What'd she say?
No money for lawyers.
Well, maybe
I could do it.
I'm almost a lawyer.
Oh, boy.
[Sighs]
There are basically
two ways
to immigrate
into the U.S.,
through an employer
or a family member.
We don't have either one.
I know.
So your only hope is
winning the visa lottery.
What is that?
It's a lottery
for green cards.
And what are her chances?
About the same as
winning the Powerball.
Uh, well...
The only way you could
legally stay in the U.S.
Is for you to find
a U.S. Citizen to marry.
The same for you,
Carlos.
Well, it's not a bad idea.
It's a pretty good idea.
What?
Come on.
That wouldn't be so hard
to find somebody
to marry you.
We could pay somebody,
yeah? I mean...
They don't have any money,
and neither do we.
We could chip in.
We don't need any money.
I mean, who...
They would marry her for free.
And I would marry
a rich white guy too.
Are you crazy?
Yes.
That's illegal. You
have to marry a woman.
Fine. I'll marry
a rich white girl.
Does it matter?
I'm handsome.
[Laughs]
What's so funny?
I'm serious.
No, that might
actually work.
I mean, if you're
game, I'm game.
I mean, why not?
I'm game.
Hang on. Wait. Wait.
This is way over my head.
Let's find a real lawyer.
BETTY: You want to what?
MIKE: Betty, you said
you wanted to help 'em out.
Yeah, help,
donate time to the cause,
give free legal advice,
but not you.
This is something
I want to do,
and I know
it's gonna be tough,
but, look, maybe this
is something we need.
This is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
We do not need this.
Our lives are perfectly fine
just the way they are.
This is Elena, and,
you know, in this case,
it really is
just a piece of paper.
They're
our best friends.
I know.
Well, then, let's do it.
What's the worst
that could happen?
So how long do we
have to stay married?
Two years. It's a long time,
and it's serious.
I have to state again
that Congress has devoted
an entire act to the penalties
for engaging in marriage fraud.
I could be disbarred before
I even finish law school.
She's right. This isn't
something to rush into.
Look, you're the one
who's running out of time.
Marriage is supposed to
be a sacred commitment.
We'll still be couples.
It's just she'll
be married to Carlos.
I'll be married to you.
Nothing will change.
Hey, wait a second.
I still have six months
left on my visa.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, then I'll go first.
Elena, do you want
to get married... to me?
I don't know.
I guess it's
the only way.
You guys are
our best friends,
and to give us
this opportunity
to remain here together,
I don't know
what to say.
Then say yes.
By the power vested in me
by the state of Alabama,
I now pronounce you
man and wife
or woman and husband,
whatever be your fancy.
Heh heh.
You may now kiss the bride.
Anytime today, son.
What the hell was that?
Put your arms around her.
Give her some tongue, son.
W-We're just
a little shy.
Did it flash, Betty?
No.
You need
to kiss again.
It didn't flash.
Sorry, Mike.
Kiss her like you mean it,
like a man.
MINISTER: Right on!
Hubba-hubba!
[Humming
wedding-style music]
They're excited.
Hold on. Let me get
on the other side.
Hold that. Good.
Okay.
1, 2, 3.
Perfect. One with the ring.
One with the ring.
One more.
Okay.
Yay!
Congratulations!
We're next, baby.
Oh, God.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
She's still my girlfriend.
Take it easy. You just
got married, huh?
Yeah.
Finally.
Te veo, Orita.
What's wrong?
This whole thing
is kind of weird.
I swore before God that I
would honor and cherish Mike.
The minister said for him to
give you some tongue, Elena.
I don't think God was
really listening, huh?
Let me have this.
Now...
think your husband
knows about this, hmm?
[Both laugh]
I've been married for
less than nine hours.
I'm already
having an affair.
No. I can't.
I'm sorry.
It's just been
a really weird day.
Okay.
I bet my wife and her boyfriend
are having the same problem.
[Sandy Cressman singing
Yo Lo Deseoin Spanish]
[Laughs]
All right, leave it to me.
Your choice.
[Grunts] Yes.
What?
Yeah.
What's gotten into you?
I don't know.
Maybe it's the thrill
of cheating on my wife.
Oh, well, I hardly
consider this cheating.
You know, we are still
living together.
Well, maybe when
you marry Carlos,
you'll understand
the rush.
[Sandy Cressman
singing in Spanish]
[Knock on door]
[Man singing in Spanish]
[Knock on door]
[Lamp shatters]
[Clears throat]
Who the hell are you?
Officer Ravencourt
with ICE.
ICE?
Immigration.
Doesn't mean you can
barge in here!
Bush isn't president
anymore.
The door was open.
Did we do anything wrong?
We'll find out, won't we?
Are you Michael White?
Michael White?
I thought you said your name
was Jimmy Sheldon.
I can explain.
Hold on there, hot pants.
Are you
Miss Elena Dub...
Certainly am not.
Do you think I actually
look like her?
I hope, for your sake, that
was a rhetorical question.
Who is she?
His wife.
His wife?
Of all the nerve.
You know, I hope you
do arrest him for lying
for trying to get
into my pants!
Well, from the looks of it,
he did a pretty good job.
I didn't know
he was married.
How could you?
Ma'am, it's not
what you think.
It never is, Mr. White.
Now I am here to conduct
a preliminary investigation
into the status of your marriage
to the woman in this photo.
I'm sure you're aware
that marriage fraud
is not just a misdemeanor.
It's a federal offense
punishable by jail time.
Now who lives here?
Uh, well, I used to,
but now I live
with Ms. Dubrovnik.
And the address?
On a boat.
A boat, you say?
Yeah.
A thing that floats.
Hmm.
How romantic.
[Telephone rings]
And this woman?
[Ring]
Oh, she...
Just someone who picked me up
on Ocean Drive.
Pickedyouup?
[Scoffs]
I see.
[Ring]
[Laughs]
MIKE: Hi.
It's Mike and Betty.
BETTY: We can't get
to the phone right now.
But leave a message,
and we'll get back to you.
BOTH: Bye.
[Beep]
Mike, honey,
this is your mother,
and I am holding a letter
from Immigration
and it says that you have
married some Russian person.
[Sighs] Call us, please.
This better be
some terrible mistake.
[Beep]
It's my mom.
She found out
two weeks ago,
but early dementia.
Mm-hmm.
Your Ben & Jerry's
is melting.
What... Oh.
Have a good day,
Mr. White.
I'm sure the two of you
have a lot to talk about.
I'm going to jail.
I'm not gonna make it.
I know I won't.
I'm weak when it comes
to enclosed spaces.
We're talking
serious time here.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
Why didn't you stop me?
Maybe we'll just go
to another country.
Maybe I can go
to Colombia with Carlos.
At least I'll know somebody
who can speak the language.
I'll order food
from restaurants.
I'll get directions.
Mike, calm down.
What do you mean, calm down?
What do you...
Look at what we
got ourselves into.
We? Oh, no, no,
no, no, no.
This was your idea!
What about me?
I don't want to go
to jail either.
You aren't the one
married to Elena, Betty.
You're in the clear.
Until I marry Carlos.
Then I'm in just as much
trouble as you are.
Just think of it
this way.
We tried to do
something good for once,
and we thought of other
people before ourselves.
You did a noble
and a courageous thing
for our friends.
I won't bathe.
Granted, there will be an odor,
but it's a small price to pay
for not becoming a sex toy.
Mike, Mike, you just
have to push forward
with this thing.
Play it out all the way.
Yeah,
all the way to jail.
I just want to
pretend none of this
ever happened.
I want a divorce.
You and Elena are married.
It's a legally
binding document.
You can't abandon her.
That's it.
We'll swap. Simple.
Swap?
Swap what?
Each other.
Um, I'll move in
with Elena,
and Carlos will
move in with you.
Oh, God, no. [Laughs]
I am not gonna live
with Carlos.
You wanted to go
all the way.
No! Well, baby, this is all the way.
I don't know
what else to do.
I told the woman
I was living on a boat.
Oh, uh-uh. I don't...
Ohh! I don't know.
Carlos in my apartment?
Our apartment.
Using my bathroom, going
through my personal things.
He's not neat.
There's got to be another way.
Prison.
That's the better way.
El barco m? O?
That's crazy, man.
I forbid it.
It will never work.
It has to.
The agent has to
come and see
that we're a happy,
loving, married couple
living together
under one roof,
or in this case,
your goddamn boat.
She saw us doing it.
She was in your bedroom?
No, we were
in the living room.
Nice work, amigo.
Where?
On the floor?
Against a wall?
On the couch.
That's totally
off topic. I... Focus.
Okay, okay.
Let's say we do this.
Where do I live?
With me.
Really?
I can live with that.
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Another honeymoon #
# And not a moment too soon?
# Just what we needed #
# Another honeymoon #
[Glass shatters]
# Uh-huh #
# Ooh doo doo doo #
# Tears on my pillow... #
No problem. It was just
my CD and my stereo.
It's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
# Another day #
# Another dime... #
[Mouths word]
I hate these shorts.
Don't let him wear them.
I'm just gonna
throw 'em out.
Whoop.
Okay...
I'll get this.
I guess this
is all of it.
Well...
Well, this is awkward.
Yeah. [Laughs]
Yeah, it's a
little strange.
Uh, I guess me
and the missis
will go back
to thecasa.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll call you later,
sweetie.
Te veo, Orita.
Bye.
Bye.
MIKE: Don't do anything
I wouldn't do, you know.
I don't know.
You know what I mean.
Just keep your paws
off the merchandise.
Right back at you, bro.
Ah.
Hey, hey, Mike,
I can say
the same thing to you.
You don't have to.
Ciao.
Ciao.
[Sighs]
[Sighs]
So, shall
I bring my stuff
into your bedroom,
Betty Boo?
[Laughs] Carlos.
Yeah?
Stop.
What?
Okay.
It's a beautiful night.
I'm gonna go
sleep up on deck.
Sleep on top
of the sheets with me.
I don't think
that's a good idea.
What if the agent
comes back?
You're right.
Mike, thank you
for being my fake husband.
Hi.
Hi.
I just put some clean
towels out for you.
Gracias.
Are you gonna
be okay out here?
I think I'd be a little
more comfortable in your bed.
[Both laugh]
Good night, Carlos.
What kind
of Latin lover am I?
[Scoffs] The couch.
Shit.
Did you sleep well?
Yeah. It must have
been the water.
The gentle rocking,
it's nice, huh?
Yeah, it's like a...
It's like a big water bed.
I'm coming up.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
I didn't see anything.
I don't mind if you look.
Hand me that towel.
Does that make you
feel uncomfortable?
No.
Yes.
I don't know.
You can look now.
I'll never understand
you Europeans
and your utter freedom
with your body.
Everyone has one, no?
Do you always swim naked
in the morning?
The fish don't
seem to mind.
Do you?
I don't mind
if they don't mind.
[Farts]
[Farts]
[Elena screams]
Aah!
Get out!
Jesus.
God, at least knock.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Help.
Help!
Elena, help!
What?
I can't...
The water's off.
I can't see anything.
I got soap in my eyes.
Oh, hold on.
Here.
Thank you.
Ow! Fuck!
It's fucking freezing.
[Laughs]
Did you see anything?
Um, maybe, a little.
It's... It's cold.
[Laughs]
Mike. Elena.
Hello. Hey.
Hey.
Where's Elena?
She's at a job interview.
Did you forget something?
No, man. I just came by
to see how you're doing.
Uh, we're good. You?
Yeah, man,
I'm cool.
Man, you got
a nice crib.
Thanks. Thank you.
How's Betty?
It's cool.
Yeah, Elena's good too.
Oh, good. [Laughs]
Man, we got a couple of
cool girlfriends, huh?
I mean,
not a lot of girls
would go for
this living situation.
So how'd you sleep,
buddy?
Good. Good. You?
Oh, I miss Elena
and sleeping in my bed
and all that.
Me too. [Laughs]
Sleeping with Elena?
No, uh, Betty.
What... What did you think?
[Both laugh]
It's just... Heh heh.
[Both laughing]
No, really,
where did you sleep?
I was gonna sleep up there,
but she wouldn't let me.
Oh, that's nice of her.
So then where?
I slept down here
on top of the...
on top of the floor.
You mean on the floor?
On the floor, yeah.
[Both chuckle]
Yeah. Well,
I got to go to work.
Can you tell Elena
I came by to say hello?
Okay. Ple...
Tell Betty hi too, please.
Cool. Uh...
did she go swimming
this morning?
Who? Di...
Elena.
Sorry. Uh, I don't know.
I was... I was sleeping, so...
Tell her not to, okay?
Don't... Are you afraid
she might drown?
[Both laugh]
Just tell her not to.
Carlos says no swimming.
Thank you.
Okay. Nada.
Give me a hug.
Okay.
BETTY: Oh, my God!
Ohh!
What?
[Gasps]
Oh, shit!
[Cell phone
ringtone playing]
Hi, baby. Miss me?
You've got a problem.
We promised my parents
we'd be there for Thanksgiving,
so we'll never hear the end
of it if we bail on them.
Just take Elena
with you.
As my wife?
She is your wife for
the next 23 months.
All right, if I'm going,
you're going with me.
Okay, fine. I'll go.
Don't have to be
such a baby about it.
As Carlos' fianc? E.
I like that idea.
Guys, this sounds
very complicated.
My mom's gonna be so pissed.
She loves Betty.
He's so uptight.
How do you live
with this guy?
Mama's boy.
MIKE: I told you
we should have
taken the highway
and not surface streets.
Everybody and their mother's
leaving town.
CARLOS: Stop being
so uptight, Mike.
I'm just saying.
BETTY: We heard you
the first time, Mike.
[Car horn honks]
Now, remember,
we can't blow this.
We convince them,
we can convince
the INS agent from hell.
I know. We've only been
over it a hundred times.
MAN: Jill!
Jill, they're here!
[Man laughs]
Mom,
happy Thanksgiving!
Welcome home, sweetie!
This must be
the lucky bride.
Oh, happy Thanksgiving.
ELENA:
Hello, Mr. White.
Whoa, I got that, Dad.
Well, I can see why you made
such a rash decision, son.
You are a looker.
Hi, Harold.
Hey, Betty. No disrespect.
Who's this?
Carlos, sir.
Mexican?
A little further
south, Colombia.
Oh, yeah,
where the drugs come from.
Are you, uh,
muling any cocaine, pal?
Uh...
I'm just pulling your leg,
hombre.
[Laughs]
Betty, so good to have
you here again, dear.
Hi, Jill. How are you?
Hello, Mrs. White.
Oh, and you.
You must really
be something
to steal my son's heart
so quickly.
You know,
we didn't even have time
to put an announcement
in the paper.
You didn't knock her up,
did you, son?
Jesus, Dad.
I'm not pregnant,
Mr. White.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not Mr. White. Call me Harold.
Mr. White makes me
sound like an old guy.
And you.
Carlos.
Yes, you stole Betty
from my son.
Ohh.
I just caught her
on the rebound.
I'm her Latin
love machine.
[No audio]
Uh, where's my sibling?
She called,
said she'd be here
in time for dinner.
Mi amor.
I'm gonna get the bags.
I'll help you.
You kids today.
You're just so open
with your relationships.
Jill. [Laughs]
I got it.
No, I got it.
It's okay. I'm good.
I got it, man.
It's okay. I got it.
I know you got it,
but I got it.
I'm gonna take it.
She's my wife.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I can handle my own bags,
but thanks for
not even offering.
Mexican drug dealer?
HAROLD: Here it is.
Come on in. [Laughs]
Come on in.
What do you think, huh?
Down there?
Thank you for
carrying my bag.
Of course.
So sweet.
The house
looks the same.
Wow.
This is very white.
[Laughs]
[All laugh]
White house.
Yes, it is. Very white.
Why did you dump Betty?
I...
She must be heartbroken.
Does she look
heartbroken?
I'm just saying, honey,
it was all so sudden,
and Betty's such
a nice young lady,
and Carlos is so, so...
Latin?
Yes, exactly.
Look, Mom, uh, just
because Betty's nice
doesn't mean
that I should spend
the rest of my life
with her.
But a Russian?
I mean, they used
to be our enemy.
I... Mom, Elena's smart,
and she speaks her mind,
and she doesn't schedule
every waking moment.
What's wrong with scheduling?
I mean, if I didn't, our lives
would be absolute chaos.
Okay, Mom.
Unh! It's just all so odd.
All right, everyone,
why don't we all settle in?
Uh, Betty, you and Mike,
you take Mike's old room
just like always.
Wait. Mom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, I'm just so used
to Betty being here.
Uh, So, Betty, you'll
be in Sarah's room,
and, um, Carlos, you'll
be in the guesthouse,
and Mike and Elena...
Are married.
Right.
You have any Pepto-Bismol?
Yes.
I'm surprised
by how casual you are.
I mean, four years together.
I couldn't be
so cool about it.
Well, we just decided
that there is
no reason why
we can't stay friends.
Oh, I suppose
that Latin love machine
takes some of the sting
out of it. [Laughs]
[Betty laughs]
Betty, you can
be honest with me.
Is she using him?
For what?
To stay in this country.
I'm guessing
she isn't a citizen.
Uh, they just fell in love,
Jill, really.
Well, what do
you know about her?
Did she just appear
out of thin air?
He has never
mentioned her, not once,
and I only learned about it
because I got a letter.
Actually, she's my, um...
She's my best friend.
She's your best friend,
and you're fine
that she's with
your old boyfriend?
Yeah, well... [Laughs]
I know that this...
It seems awkward,
but they're just
really happy together,
and I know that Mike wants you
to be happy for them as well.
Well, I'll try.
Oh, it's just so good
to have you here, dear.
Mmm.
Just all very strange.
[Slow exhalation]
This is going
pretty well, huh?
What?
I just feel bad
for Betty.
Why?
[Sighs]
Well, your parents
obviously love her.
She should be the one
sleeping here, not me.
I feel like a fake in
front of your parents.
Look, it's... it's just
gonna be one night.
Whoa.
Dad.
I am so sorry, kids.
I forgot.
You have to knock
with newlyweds
in the house.
Dad, it's okay.
We were just...
Talking.
Talking.
Yeah, I can see it
on your face.
You can't fool me,
sweetheart.
Yeah, you've got that look.
[Laughs] Talking?
You're a lucky guy, son.
Well, come on.
Pull yourself away
from this beautiful
Russian bride of yours.
We'll hit some balls
before dinner.
Hey, where's Carlos?
Does he play?
Hey, Carlos! Carlos!
What does he mean,
hit balls?
[Knock on door]
Betty, this is crazy.
Mike's mother
doesn't believe in us,
and his father
is just a little nuts!
He grows on you,
kind of like Mike.
I don't want anyone
to grow on me.
Elena, the INS is
already suspicious.
They've contacted
his parents.
This is our insurance.
I know. It's a mess.
We just have to get through it
the best way we can.
We'll be right back, hon.
Dinner will be
ready at 5:00.
Yeah, I know. I know.
We're just gonna play
the front nine, okay?
Well, does Carlos
play golf?
Well, I didn't
think I did.
Do you drinkcerveza?
I do that
very well, sir.
Do you smoke cigars?
[Scoffs] Of course.
I'm Colombian.
Then you can play golf, son.
Nice.
[Laughs]
Hey, you're early.
Look at you.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hola.
Hola.
Your mother will explain.
Let's go, men.
Hey. Yeah. Hi.
You're early.
Hey.
Ah, look who's here.
Hi, sweetie.
Here. Give me that.
Okay.
So where's the wife?
All right, hombre.
Left arm straight,
straight.
Okay, so hand like
this, finger here,
like... like you're
holding a gun.
Oh, that's easy. Yeah.
And, uh,
up and back.
Jesus Christ.
Make it...
Make it two boxes.
All right.
Okay, I'm ready.
Hey, batter, batter,
batter, batter!
Batter! Heh.
Sorry, sir.
Oh, not bad, son.
Not bad at all.
Okay, Carlos,
head down, eye on the ball.
Hey, I didn't mean
to barge in
on the hot and heavy
with Elena, Mike.
You know, I never really
mentioned it before,
but, uh, I don't
really care for Betty.
No offense, Carlos.
Eye on the ball.
I mean, she's just
kind of stuck-up
for my taste.
She's not stuck-up.
She's a little
stuck-up, Mike.
Oh, but this
Russian chick,
she is hot as hell.
I walked in on 'em.
Another couple
of minutes,
it would have been
high heels to the sky.
I never touched her.
Nothing happened, man,
only in his perverted mind.
No need to defend
yourself, pal.
You're married.
Don't listen to him.
If you touch her, Mike,
I will kill you.
It's our way.
Whoa!
You're a natural,
amigo.
Hey, I don't
know how you
play the game
where you come from,
but here
in this country,
we pick up the club,
we walk to the ball.
We do not throw
the club.
[Overlapping conversations]
All right, everybody,
dessert plates to the sink.
I'll do it, Mom.
Oh, good man. This will
give you practice
for your
food service career
when you finally
get your degree.
What's that supposed
to mean?
Oh, I don't know.
What was your, uh...
your college major?
L-I'm getting a PhD.
HAROLD: A PhD.
I'm studying English literature,
specifically the sonnet.
The sonnet.
Yes.
What are you gonna do
with these sonnets?
You gonna stand on
a corner and sell them?
What Mike is studying is the
sonnets as a literature genre.
It goes back
to the 14th century,
Italian poet Petrarch,
and not until the 16th century...
Sweetheart, that is
all very fascinating,
but it seems to me
if you're gonna put
all that time
and all that money
into a degree, you ought
to get something
that's gonna put food
on the table.
JILL: Enough, Harold.
We have been through this
a thousand times.
Yeah, I know. I'm just
yanking his chain.
The study of poetry is a very
valuable task, Mr. White.
Part of the original text of
the Bible was written as poetry,
so it has many purposes besides
bringing beauty to the world.
Hmm.
I assure you,
we'll be just fine.
You do what you love.
You also have to work hard
at what you love.
I just don't
understand, Betty.
You and Mike, you were
made for each other.
Obviously,
we weren't, Mom.
Otherwise, I wouldn't
be married to Elena.
What are you gonna
serve your children
on Thanksgiving, Elena?
Borscht? Vodka?
Jesus, Mom!
If it's not one of you,
it's the other.
We don't celebrate Thanksgiving
in Russia, Mrs. White.
Well, of course not.
What do you have
to be thankful for?
Chernobyl?
Losing the space race?
I mean, you sent a monkey.
Shh, shh, shh.
What do you and my son
have in common?
We are very much
in love.
She hates me.
No, she hates me for
blowing it with her son.
Okay, let's calm down.
She's your mother,
and you hurt her.
Poor Elena has to put up
with this for two years.
We'll make it
through this.
If we can make it through
this horrible night,
we can make it
through anything.
Oh, did I
interrupt something?
No. Actually,
Carlos and I
were going to bed.
Good night.
Keep it down tonight, son.
Oh, and, uh, try not to break
the bedsprings, you lucky dog.
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Good night, Dad.
I thought you were
sleeping with Sarah.
No. Your mother
insisted as a couple
we stay together.
We are engaged.
That's right.
CARLOS: Putting it
in the back. Oh, hold on.
Ah, almost.
Oh, I got my hand on there.
[Groaning] I... I... I got...
Oh, it's so tight.
[Groans]
Oh, God. Ahh.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to watch
thef? Tbolgame
once I get
this cable connected.
It's after midnight.
Football isn't on.
I'm talking about
realf? Tbol, okay?
Colombia versus Argentina.
[Laughs] Oh.
What's the matter? You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just...
I... I needed to get
some air. Oh.
Yeah.
Remind me never
to do this again.
You mean to tell me
we're not coming
for Christmas?
[Laughs]
Hey, listen. I'm really
worried about Elena, man.
Seriously, I mean,
this is really hard on her.
I mean, we have
your mother against us,
the United States
government.
It's very difficult,
and I'm sure it's hard
on you too.
I'm okay.
Right.
Look, I wanted
to talk to you
about something, man.
Yeah?
I just wanted
to say thank you,
and words can't express
how I feel about you
and what you've done.
No problem. [Laughs]
What'd you think
I was gonna say?
I thought, eh...
I thought you thought that
Elena and I were going at it.
[Laughs]
I know what your dad
said and everything,
but I know for sure,
for sure that Elena
doesn't find you the
least bit attractive.
I mean, you're
a good-looking guy
and everything, but...
In the dark.
Hi.
You read my dissertation.
Are you mad?
Uh, no.
Uh, just the opposite.
The sonnets are
very beautiful, Mike.
Even if your parents
don't understand,
you shouldn't be ashamed
of what you love.
BETTY: What a nightmare.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Thank you.
Keep it up, son.
[Laughs]
Bye.
Bye.
Something very strange
is going on here.
It's called love,
Mother. It happens.
If he's so in love with her,
then why isn't he riding in
the back seat with his wife?
Ah, who gives a shit?
Let it go, Mom.
Just be happy
he's happy.
Have you worked
on a boat before?
Nope. Unh!
I've never taken a shower
without water before either.
[Laughs]
"The day,
the month, the year,
"oh, bless them all.
"The season
and the time,
"the hour and
the moment,
"the gorgeous
countryside,
"the very spot
where two eyes
struck me first
and bound me fast."
"And bless the first
sweet palpitation
"that swept over me
as I grew one with love.
"And bless the bow that
shot arrows that pierced
"and wounds so deep they
went down to my heart.
"And bless the flock of
words I've scattered round
as I pronounced
my lady's name again..."
"the sighs and all the
tears and the desire.
"And bless
the pages too,
"pages where I have
gained some fame for her
"with all my thoughts
"which are of her alone,
excluding others."
[Jingle Bells
Instrumental playing]
[Snapping and laughter]
Okay, give me
the present.
Um, that's for you,
Betty. The blue one...
The blue one
there's for me.
Can you please
give me that?
S? Senor.
I've already
checked it out.
This is for Carlos.
Woo hoo hoo hoo!
I guess Mike is
going first to open.
Yes. You spent so much time
laying around the apartment,
that I thought you'd be
more comfortable in a robe.
It's nice.
[Laughs]
Thank you, honey.
This is really
thoughtful.
Matches your eyes.
Uh, you're next.
For once,
Carlos goes first.
[Laughs]
It's a tie.
[Laughs] It's a...
Just what
you always wanted.
No, it's a...
No, I really like it.
I just... I just got
to buy a suit now.
I thought it's time
to embrace change.
Gracias, mi amor.
You're next.
It's a gift certificate,
but I thought...
I thought that you...
You're always
so disappointed
with the stuff
that you get. This time,
you can buy yourself
something,
and that way, you
wouldn't be disappointed
like you normally are.
I don't know what...
I don't know what to say.
CARLOS: Elena,
this is for you.
Wow, Carlos.
These are beautiful.
Betty, look.
Those are amazing.
Wow, look.
Ha ha ha.
Actually, I have
something too.
Um, could you...
Sorry.
I thought my wife
would want
something from, uh,
her husband, so...
This is for me?
Yes.
Wow.
Uh, the first charm
is for good fortune
in America.
The second charm
is for, uh,
finding a job you adore,
and the third charm,
the heart,
is for luck in love.
Mike, this is so thoughtful.
You're welcome.
I just... I...
It's very nice.
Why the hell does she
need love, man?
She has me.
Um, anyway, uh...
wine all around,
yes?
Yes.
Yes?
Okay.
Betty.
Okay, so you were
born in Moscow.
Your birthday
is September 26.
Uh, you don't like
to drink ice water,
because it makes
your teeth cold.
You, uh... You count from 1 to 120
when you brush your teeth.
When you're nervous,
you tuck a piece of hair
behind your ear even though
it isn't out of place.
I don't do that.
Yeah, you do. It's only when
you're nervous. It's cute.
Um, your favorite color
is green.
Uh, you talk in your sleep
in Russian,
so I don't understand
what you're saying.
How does it sound?
I don't know. Uh...
happy, I guess.
Should I go on?
They're not gonna
ask all that anyway.
We have our names
on the boat lease,
joint credit cards
and a checking account,
the photos
at our wedding
and your parents' house.
All they care about
is documentation.
Should I tell them how you like
to swim naked at sunrise?
That's our secret.
Who are these other people?
Uh, my best friend
and his fianc? E.
How were the ribs?
We didn't have any.
Um, we wanted to get
going with the honeymoon,
if you know
what I'm saying.
[Chuckles]
What's Elena's
favorite soda?
Sorry?
Her favorite soda?
Come on.
This should be easy.
You've been man and wife
for how long?
Uh, it'll be
two months Friday.
So what's the answer?
This is your wife.
She... She doesn't
have any.
She only drinks,
uh, wine
or water without ice.
Heh.
Correct.
Well, you'll receive
your immigration papers
in four weeks.
Oh, my God!
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Another day goes by #
# Another in your eye... #
Are you saying you don't
want to have children?
No. Of course that's not
what I'm saying.
I just, you know...
[Scoffs]
Because I want
a family,
and it's not something
you can plan.
It might just happen.
You're not pregnant,
are you?
Oh, my God.
CARLOS: No.
Would that be so terrible?
Yes.
No, it'd be great.
She just started
her life here.
Mothers have careers
all the time,
millions of 'em.
Not when a baby is sucking
all the life and money
out of you.
Oh, my God, that's cold.
Guys, I'm not pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Gracias.
Oh, I... I almost
shit on myself, man.
[Laughs] Me, too.
Carlos, it would kill you
to be a father, mi amor?
No. I mean, you know,
I can barely take care
of myself now, you know.
Yeah, that's right.
I think I'm gonna have
a baby when I'm 33.
It's not too old,
and it's not too young.
I'm not sure it's
something you can
put on a spreadsheet
and tack to
your refrigerator,
darlin'.
Sure I can.
I'm sorry.
Far be it from me
to doubt your ability
to control everything.
Wow. I thought
you were already 33.
That's not very nice.
BETTY: That, ladies
and gentlemen of the jury,
is what happened.
What'd you think
of my closing argument?
It was okay.
But you say it
like it was just...
you know, just fine.
[Sighs]
That's right.
That's exactly what I said.
How long do I have to wait?
Oh. Oh, um, innocent.
Let him go.
No, I'm the prosecution,
Carlos.
I mean, guilty.
Lock the son of a bitch up.
[Groans]
Aw. Look, I'm sorry.
You have to be
more convincing, you know.
Put more passion,
more fire into it.
Make me believe you.
700 ADL rifle for 15 years.
He knows this rifle
very well,
as he uses it every weekend
during hunting season.
Betty,
you were fantastic!
You were great, brilliant,
so convincing!
Oh, you're so sweet.
Thank you.
Guilty!
Ohh.
Now we can catch up.
What?
You know.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Um, we've actually
got to get going.
Elena has a meeting with
an employer in the morning.
Te veo, Orita.
Gracias, mi amor.
Buena suerte.
So what's up, Betty Boo?
Want to go dancing?
Trip the light
fantastic?
Yah.
# Do you like the way
I move... #
Oh, this was
a good idea...
[Horn honks]
Hearing those.
Whoo! Getting attention.
Whoo. I love attention.
Is Mike really working
on his thesis tonight?
It's not a thesis, Betty.
It's a dissertation,
and that's what he said
he wanted to do.
And you believed him?
Shouldn't I?
Elena, he has been working
on that thesis for years.
He doesn't want
to finish it.
Why not?
Because then he'll have
to get a real job
and enter
the real world.
And he doesn't
want a real job?
Mike doesn't really
know what he wants.
DEAN BANTLEY:
# Hello, what can I say? #
# My God, you know #
# It's gonna be called,
call it love #
# Everybody wants,
everybody needs... #
ELENA: This guy has
been staring at you.
I thought that
he was looking at you.
I wanted to ask you
something.
Yeah.
Do you love Mike?
Um, I think so.
You're not sure?
Yes, I do. I do.
I love him.
But you don't seem happy.
Well, four years
is just a long time
to be with
the same person.
Why have you stayed together
if you're not happy?
Because it's safe.
We know
each other's boundaries,
not to cross them.
It's not perfect,
but it works for us.
# Then you want
to come back #
# And you found another?
# Then you're left alone
# A-waiting for another?
# Another now, aoww! #
Hello there, Mrs. White.
Oh, I like
the sound of that.
It's, uh,
easier to pronounce.
Very American.
Have you been
working all night?
Yeah. If I keep having
nights like this,
I'm gonna be done
in a couple of days.
Mike White, PhD.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you. I've been, uh...
I don't know. I been feeling
more passionate lately.
Passion's good.
What are you doing?
Dancing got me
all sweaty and hot,
so I'm gonna take a dip.
Care to join me?
No. I'm gonna stay here
and work.
[Tango music plays]
[Sighs deeply]
BETTY: Mmm, that
smells great, Carlos.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
I'll get it.
Hello.
Hey, what do you want
to do tonight?
Oh, I'm... I'm not feeling
very well right now.
I think I'm coming down
with something.
You gonna
stay home then?
That's probably for
the best. I'm sorry.
That's okay. I'll just...
I'll stay here then.
Happy New Year, baby.
You too.
[Beep]
Was that Mike?
Yeah. Elena is... is sick.
She's not feeling
very well.
He's going to stay home
and take care of her.
Okay.
Do you want to do
something with me instead?
[Woman speaking Spanish]
[Bilingual Girl
by Yerba Buena playing]
MEN: # All I want
is a bilingual girl #
# To love me
in both languages #
# Love me in Spanish
when we're getting started?
WOMAN: # Excuse me? #
# And English when we're
close to the end #
# Oh, yeah #
# All I want is
a bilingual girl #
# Been lookin'
all around the world #
# Everybody has
to understand #
# That two tongues
are better than one #
# Two tongues are
better than one #
# Two tongues
are better than one #
[Song fades]
How many do you think
there are?
I don't know. How many?
Over a hundred thousand.
[Song resumes]
[Woman singing in Spanish]
# I can say,"Papi",
you can say, "Mommy" #
# I say,"Dinero,"
and you say, "Money" #
# I say, "Tomorrow,"
and you say,"Manana"#
# I'll see you then #
[Singing in Spanish]
[Song fades]
[Fireworks exploding]
Happy New Year, Mr. White.
Back at you, Mrs. White.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have done that.
You're right.
It wasn't good.
I mean, it was good,
but it was bad
to have liked it.
I have to go talk
to Betty.
We have... We haven't
done anything,
but just the kiss.
Not to me.
To me, it meant
something else. I...
I wanted you.
Please don't make this
a bigger deal than it is. It...
Betty is my best friend,
and she'll be so upset
if she found out.
If we're gonna do this,
we have to be
honest with each other,
all of us.
Don't forget Carlos.
I imagine he's not
gonna be very pleased.
What's this?
Oh, shit, man.
What are you doing here?
Uh, this used
to be my apartment.
That used to be
my girlfriend.
BETTY: This isn't
what it looks like.
No.
I can explain.
Okay, explain.
We were dancing
at a club.
That's your excuse?
You were dancing, so it's okay?
Let me finish.
Don't bother!
I've seen enough.
[Door closes]
Go after him!
Okay.
Mike!
Hey, Mike!
Whoa.
Have you no guilt?
Of course
I have guilt.
I'm Catholic.
Let me explain,
okay?
Okay, explain.
It was just
a thing, okay?
It will never
happen again.
You have my word
as a man of honor
and as your friend.
Okay, I get it. So you have
this thing with my girlfriend.
What was it, just...
just some meaningless fuck?
I... What would you do
if you were me, Carlos?
I would...
Okay, I want you to think
a little bit before you answer,
'cause I'm trying to figure out
my responsibility here.
I thought we had this
all worked out.
You see, my best friend
is living with my girlfriend.
I'm married to his fianc? E...
Uh, for their sake, mind you.
And then I find out that he's
sleeping with my girlfriend,
who's also his fianc? E.
That's just a little
fucking complicated, Carlos,
so... so why don't
you think a bit
before you tell me
why you fucked her?
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
No.
No.
You don't bring up that
marriage bullshit, okay?
That is meaningless,
okay?
It is a paper marriage.
Okay.
You hear me?
Elena loves me, okay,
Mike? Not you.
She was gonna
sleep with me,
but I didn't
because of you!
Elena loves me, Mike!
Me, Carlos Sanchez,
the Latin lover!
[Scoffs]
Lover's quarrel?
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Agent Ravencourt with ICE.
Do you know a Carlos Sanchez,
Ms. Dubnik?
Dubrovnik.
What is your relationship
with Mr. Sanchez?
He was my boyfriend
before I married
Mike White.
That's what he said.
You spoke to Carlos?
Less than an hour ago.
He said that he was
in love with you
and that your marriage
to Mr. White was purely a sham
to obtain legal right
to remain in this country.
Pack your bags.
If I could just...
You have two days
to leave this country,
and consider yourself lucky
that I don't arrest
the two of you
for defrauding the government
of the United States of America.
Please wait!
Please wait.
You're not gonna beg,
are you?
I hate begging.
I wanted to tell you
that you're right about us.
We did enter into this
to cheat the system.
All Carlos ever wanted was
to open a restaurant here.
I just wanted to stay.
He broke the law.
You all did.
I know, but as crazy
as it sounds,
I fell in love
with Mike.
I don't know whether
you can understand this,
but pretending
to be man and wife,
living together,
it just happened.
Pack your bags.
If you could
just please...
I'm sorry.
There's nothing more I can do.
Mike, wait.
How'd you know
I'd be in the library?
If you're one thing,
it's predictable.
I'm not too sure
about that.
We need to talk. This whole
thing is not what you think.
It's exactly
what I think.
We didn't mean
for this to happen.
I didn't mean to.
Carlos didn't mean to.
You know that.
You know that.
I have been so alone.
Betty,
it's okay, really.
It is.
I should be pissed,
but I'm not. I'm...
more upset that I'm
not upset about it.
Where does that
leave us then?
We're not in love,
Betty,
not the way
we're supposed to be.
If we were, we'd
have gotten married.
None of this
would have happened.
It's not that I didn't
want to get married.
Okay, stop. Stop.
Please, I get it.
Really, I do.
Why would you do
such a stupid thing?
She took me by surprise,
Elena.
I was jealous, okay?
I was mad,
and it was dumb,
and I'm sorry.
It's too late now.
I have to leave.
No! We'll hire
an attorney.
We'll fight this out.
I'll tell them
that it was out
of rage and jealousy.
Carlos, we've done
everything possible
and the impossible too.
There is nothing more
we can do.
No, nothing's
impossible.
JOEY HOLLAND:
# The old brass ring #
# The latest thing
is near #
# I'll stand my ground #
# Will the whole thing
disappear? #
# Will the well run dry
and the children cry #
# And papa merge
into the blind eye and see?
# Isn't that a dream? #
# Isn't it a dream #
# Just another heartbreaker?
# Is it what it seems? #
# Isn't that a dream? #
Why are you
letting her go?
What are you talking about?
Elena. She's being
deported, man.
You need to stop it.
When did that happen?
Today. The ICE agent
caught us.
How?
I fucked up, man.
I'm sorry.
I can't undo it.
I ruined it for Elena,
and I ruined it for me, man!
Wait. Was that why you
were there today?
You were there?
Well,
why didn't you walk in?
I thought...
I don't know what I thought.
I...
Actually, I do,
but don't worry about it.
I don't know what I'm
gonna do without Elena.
I mean, I can't
live without her.
Should have thought about that
before you humped Betty.
I explained that
already.
Look, you blew it.
I'm sad to see her go,
but there's
nothing more I can do.
I'm done with it. I'm done...
done with both of you.
You can't let her go,
man. She trusts you.
I trust you. What kind
of friend is that?
You tell me!
You fucked my girlfriend.
I already
explained to you.
That meant
nothing to me.
That's what pisses me off!
If it meant nothing,
why'd you do it?
I don't know.
I'm Latin.
It's in my blood.
Did you fuck Elena today too?
What?
I saw your hands
all over her.
I was comforting her,
man!
Did you fuck my wife?
Gentlemen,
take it outside.
My girlfriend
isn't enough for you?
You want Elena too?
Let's just
go outside, amigo.
We'll talk about it.
I'm very sorry, man.
Look, Mike, I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
I wish
I could unfuck her.
I wish I could take back
what I said to
the Immigration woman.
But when you're talking
about Elena, man,
I don't know
what you're saying.
Look, I didn't tell Elena
about Betty.
I... I didn't want
to hurt her feelings.
But things can't go back
the way they were.
Well, it doesn't
matter now.
She's leaving
anyway, right?
What, you didn't tell her?
What, are you crazy, man?
She'll have me by the balls.
Coward!
[Car alarm blares]
[Knocks on panel]
Knock, knock.
Come in.
You haven't been
returning my phone calls.
I know.
I didn't know what to say.
About what?
This is fucking perfect, man.
Just chill out, man.
I've been here before.
I haven't.
There's always
a first time
for everything,
like golf.
Just relax, okay?
We're gonna
get out of here.
We just won't press
charges on each other.
It's that simple.
I mean, it's your fault
that we're in here
anyway.
Why the fuck
did you hit me?
You should have told Elena.
It was not my place
to do that.
You want to sleep
with both of 'em.
She's my girlfriend,
okay?
She's also my wife.
Ese...
o.
Tiene tremendo cul
What'd he say?
He said you had
a cute ass.
Uh, gracias.
Muy bueno.
Real nice.
Uh, gracias.
De nada.
I see you got
a new girlfriend.
I hate you.
Right back at you.
Told you we'd get out.
You just gotta learn
how to chill out
once in a while, you know?
Make a hole!
Hey, uh, thank you
for a wonderful night.
My friend here met
a lot of nice friends.
[Laughs]
Hey, Mike, come on.
Have a sense of humor, man.
You're so uptight.
RENEE FAIN:
# Monday minutes drag into
# The evening... #
I have to go back.
I know. I ran into Carlos.
How soon do you have to go?
My plane is
at 4 P.M. Tomorrow.
Jesus.
Don't mess around, do they?
I... I feel horrible
about this, Elena.
# Lot of some sweet urge
# As I won't tire #
# Until these ties untangle?
# Days and counting #
# Hours we'd have
in between them #
# If only I could
recognize... #
Elena...
Don't say anything.
It will make things harder.
I don't want it
to end this way.
I know.
# Doors and windows #
# They are open now #
# Now #
# If only I could recognize?
# The truth #
# Wednesday's heart
beats faster #
# Fighting Thursday #
# Which gets in its way?
# As a song brings Friday
to its knees #
# My heart and hand,
my fingers freeze #
# I search
to find some relief #
# If only I could recognize?
# The truth #
# Doors and windows #
# They are opening now?
[Telephone rings]
Hello.
Come to the dock
with the Vespa.
Why?
I'm gonna stop Elena
from leaving.
Bring that tie you got
for Christmas.
Why do I need a tie?
I like the frigging tie!
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Once again, my friend?
# They start the search?
# Off and running... #
Agent Ravencourt!
[Groans]
Agent Ravencourt!
Mr. White?
I love my wife.
# Time goes flying #
# You can hear it pass?
[Car horns honking]
Out of the way,
asshole!
# Held together
by the winds of change #
# Winds forever
comin' down the range #
# But it's a way to be #
# And if our hearts
are free #
# Maybe our minds can be
# Maybe our eyes
could see the way #
# There'll be sadness
in our history #
# Free's the last thing
we wanna be #
# Held together
in security #
Mike!
# Next to you, babe,
next to me #
You can't arrest me.
I'm leaving.
I'm not here
to arrest you.
As the wife
of Michael White,
an American citizen,
you are welcome
to stay.
Welcome to America.
How did you do this?
Well, I said if she
was gonna send you away,
then I'd have to go
with you to Russia.
She said, "I hope you
catch pneumonia and die."
[Elena laughs]
Then I asked her
if she'd ever been in love,
the kind of love
that gets you in the gut,
where you can't stand
to be away
from the other person
even for a minute.
If she sent you away,
she'd be ripping out
a piece of my heart,
and I'd never get
to find another person
I'd want to spend
the rest of my life with.
And that did it?
Not really.
Um, when I started to cry
and got down on my knees
and begged,
then she realized
that I loved you
and I wanted you
to be my wife.
I never could
stand the sight
of a grown man crying.
Have a good life.
And leave
that motorbike for me.
You two
can catch a cab.
There's only one problem.
I checked all my bags
to Russia.
I don't have any clothes.
I don't have
a problem with that.
P.A. Recording:
The white zone is for loading
and unloading
of passengers only.
[Patria y Libertadplaying]
Man: # Wow #
# Huhh #
[Man singing in Spanish]
Whoo-hoo!
Hoo-hoo! Yeah!
[Applause]
I get two weddings,
Mr. White?
Only one that counts,
Mrs. White.
It's not too late
for us, Betty Boo.
Ohh. Take care, Carlos.
Yeah?
Yeah.
By the way,
I'm a real lawyer now.
Hey.
I'm glad I could help.
[Chanting]
Speech! Speech!
Whoo!
Whoo!
[Cheering]
Here's to the happy couple
and many, many
bilingual grandchildren.
Ha ha ha!
Yes, sir.
To love,
friendship and family,
the true poetry of life.
Ohh.
Ohh.
I know. I know.
You're next,
littlechiquita.
MAN: Bravo.
With who?
With me,
the Latin lover, baby.
[Laughs] I don't
think so, Carlos.
Are you still looking
for an American citizen
to marry, Mr. Sanchez?
Ho ho. Well,
I still have, uh...
another week left
on my, uh, visa.
Perhaps I can help.
Oh, yeah? How's that?
I have a feeling
you could rock my boat,
baby doll.
Come here, you gorgeous
hunk of man.
Okay, I...
Come here.
[Overlapping conversations]
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.
Look, I didn't mean that.
I'm not really
a Latin lover, okay?
There's not enough room
in my boat. Please. Please.
I'm... You're too much
of a woman for me.
Please. Please.
Oh, my God.
I don't even like meat.
I'm a vegetarian.
I'm really
not this Latin lover.
I'm gay. Yes, I'm gay.
Please. I... I like men.
I... I love men.
I don't even like women.
It's all a lie.
I'm going back to Colombia
with my boat, and...
and it's just there's
not enough room for you.
Please. Please...
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Just like we planned it?
# This must be love #
# Ooh #
# Ahh #
# Ooh #
# Ahh #
# Everything I've seen #
# Everything I dream #
# Everything I mean #
# This must be love #
# This must be love #
# This must be love #
# Just like we planned it?
# This must be love #
[Doors and Windows
by Renee Fain playing]
# Monday minutes drag into
# The evening #
# When hope begins to sound
a little louder #
# Tuesday comes with a lo
t of some sweet urge #
# As I won't tire #
# Until these ties untangle?
# Days and counting #
# Hours we'd have
in between them #
# If only I could recognize #
# The truth #
# Doors and windows #
# They are open now #
[Pray For Rain singing
Baila Dineroin Spanish]
You're too beautiful
to wake.
I heard that.
You were speaking
in Russian.
What were you dreaming?
About you.
It would have been
in Spanish.
I dreamt I went back home
as an American.
I was with my family,
and they were all asking
about United States.
We were all very happy.
I made you some coffee.
Oh, it's so hot
for coffee, Carlos.
And I also made you
breakfast in bed.
Gracias, mi amor.
But I know something that
it's not too hot for, ever.
Do you know? Hmm?
[Alarm clock ringing]
You know what
I'm talking about?
Dej? Me sola!
Qu? Carajo!
Elena.
VANESSA BEGGS:
# You came to me #
# From far away
across the sea #
# I must concede
I now believe in destiny?
[Alarm clock buzzing]
# The facts agree #
# That we were simply
meant to be #
# It sounds nutty,
but I believe in destiny?
[Gasps]
What time is it?
Uh, it's almost 9:00.
How long were you at it?
Last time I looked,
it was almost 5:00.
I know.
I'm obsessing a little.
A little?
Okay, a lot.
But everything is riding
on this mock trial.
If I flunk, the only
thing I have to show
for the last five years
of my life
is a student loan
that rivals
the debt load of
a Third World country.
Stop worrying
about it.
You'll pass.
I have to pee.
Can I have some privacy,
please?
Okay.
You were supposed
to wake me up early.
I did.
9:15.
That's early.
You were supposed
to get me out of bed,
not get in bed with me.
Hey, I can't help it if
I find you irresistible.
Weren't you supposed
to meet this guy
about managing his restaurant
this morning?
Olv? Dete.
Qu? Vas a ir?
Bueno.
Yo tengo raz? N.
I'm listening.
Actually, I'm not.
I'm late.
I'm gonna go get a real job,
one that pays the rent
on this boat.
I have a job.
Yeah, one that pays
minimum wage, no benefits.
Elena, I'm not management
material, okay?
I don't even own a tie.
I'm an artist, a chef.
That kind of job would
choke the life out of me.
What if you
get sick or hurt?
I won't.
You work in the kitchen
with fire, knives.
You'll take care of me.
You're impossible.
You're beautiful.
What do you think?
Good for an American company?
I would hire you
just to stare at you
all day long.
Wish me good luck.
Good luck.
Nice ass.
I need coffee,
Xanax, something.
Stress is
driving me crazy.
Easy for you to stay,
Mr. Full Ride Scholarship.
I got lucky.
It's not my fault
that I was
the only person
who applied
for that fellowship.
And to have parents that pay
your share of the rent.
It's a loan.
I'm gonna pay 'em back
when I get my PhD.
You know that.
What year might that be?
Ho. I resent that.
I'm sorry, honey.
How long have you been working
on this thesis now?
This dissertation?
[Laughs]
Yeah, it's not
about getting it done
by a deadline, but
getting it done well,
presenting
the English sonnet
in relation to
its form and history.
Must be hard to work up heat
for 14th-century novels.
[Laughs] You know what?
I agree with you.
Um, around here,
it's been hard
to work up anything,
period.
Ouch.
Well, what was the
last time we made love?
It will get better when I
getthrough this semester.
I feel like I heard that
last semester.
I'll make it up to you.
I promise.
Yeah?
By the way,
we need clean towels.
No, no. You're
laundry this week.
Mmm.
Until the 15th, I'm groceries,
garbage, dry cleaning,
and you are laundry,
cleaning and bills.
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Another world goes round
# Doesn't make a sound #
# Round and round and round?
# Doesn't make a sound #
[Telephone rings]
I have to be honest with you.
We're looking for someone
with more real-world experience.
I've got a very long list
of people outside that door
who are overly qualified
to fill this position.
I'm a very fast learner,
willing to try
or do anything.
I'd like to believe
that's true.
I'm sorry.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
It's okay.
[Beep beep]
[Telephone rings]
Yes, sir?
ELENA: Uh, please stop!
MAN: Come on.
Why don't you show me
how grateful you can be?
Are your tits real?
What? This is none
of your business.
I'm sure none of you
foreign brides wear underwear.
Get your hands off me!
I'm warning you.
Ohh! Ohh! [Coughing]
Shit.
MAN: Ow.
[Coughing]
[Muttering]
Disgraceful.
What's going on here?
I can explain.
You're fired.
The death of Mrs. Conner
was no accident.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
Mr. Conner wanted,
simply and plainly,
to punish
his philandering wife.
He chose murdering her
as her ultimate punishment.
# Though I don't know you?
# I know #
# Know that it's true #
# You're out there waiting
Hi, Betty.
It's me.
You're probably in class.
Not important.
Just call me when you can, okay?
# Sing it for me, do #
# Just like I #
# Sing it for you #
# And when I open
my heart, it's #
# It's like it's
never enough #
# Or it's never too much,
oh #
# 'Cause I've forgotten
what it feels like... #
I'm sorry I called.
Betty didn't pick up.
It's okay. I don't mind.
Um, so did you tell
Carlos?
God, no.
He'll kill the creep.
# You're out there waitin'
I feel like such an idiot.
I was so prepared.
I researched the company.
I was so confident,
and then there was a moment
when I realized
if this is what it takes
for me to stay in this country,
then I'll do it.
The guy
should be arrested.
Are you sure you don't
want to call the cops?
I'm a Russian immigrant with
three weeks left on my visa.
What are they gonna do?
Maybe I should kick
the crap out of him.
[Laughs]
Yeah, I like that.
I've been to 14 interviews
since I graduated.
No one wants to sponsor
foreigners anymore.
Who cares if your visa's
not good? Just stay.
Millions of people
do it every year.
No.
I won't stay
if I'm not wanted.
[Winces]
[Dials]
Yeah, give me
Immigration.
[Whistling]
Howard!
[Resumes whistling]
Get here
a little faster, buddy.
Come on. Grab that one, too.
[Claps hands]
I've never been so
humiliated in my life,
not even in Moscow,
where you expect men
to act like pigs.
Well, Elena,
you have legal options.
You don't have to let him
get away with this.
He's only a symptom.
I just don't
have status.
That's the problem.
You're smart and ambitious.
You will find a sponsor.
In three weeks?
I know people who've been
looking for anything
that pays for months.
Way to be supportive,
darlin'.
I'm just
being honest with her.
Ha ha! I made this
specially for you.
Seared monkfish in a wild
mushroom broth. Enjoy it.
Smells so good.
Mmm. This is
better than sex.
Well, maybe you
shouldn't have any.
[Giggles]
Mmm.
Enjoy.
This is great, man,
five star.
Thanks, man.
You are
a true artist, Carlos.
It is what I was born
to do, to give pleasure.
Enjoy it, okay?
Thank you.
I'll see you guys
at closing.
You didn't tell him,
did you?
No, only that
I didn't get the job.
You know Carlos.
He'll do
something stupid
and get himself
deported.
I never realized
how careful
immigrants have to be
all the time.
All I ever wanted was
to come to America
and have a better life.
We'll figure this out.
You are our best friends,
and you're
not going anywhere.
Oh, my God.
Congratulations!
[Claps hands]
Yeah. Ha ha ha ha!
MIKE: What's going on?
They just got engaged.
Oh, how sweet. Hi.
Don't forget my tip.
I mean it.
I know how cheap you are.
ELENA:
I'm worried about them.
CARLOS: They haven't been
getting along for a while.
Yeah, but it's
getting worse now.
I'm lucky I found you.
If I go back to Russia,
would you come with me?
Freeze! Nobody move!
Wh-What?
On the ground!
Let's go! Get on the ground!
Elena Dubrovnik.
Yes.
You're under arrest, sweetheart.
You're coming with me.
We haven't done anything!
Let her go!
We received information
that your immigration
status has expired.
That's a lie. Who gave
you this information?
That's privileged.
Hey, get your hands
off her, man!
Did he also tell you
he tried to molest me?
Molest you?
Who tried to molest you?
Shut the fuck up!
[Blow strikes]
[Door slams shut]
[Door opens]
What'd they
pop you for, honey?
They think I'm illegal.
An accent like that,
you don't exactly
sound American.
I'm Russian.
Oh, you one of those,
uh, mail-order brides?
No. I'm a student.
Ah, well, let me guess.
Cosmetology, huh?
International finance.
Hmm. Well, good luck
with that, sister.
Hey, let me know
when they're hiring
so I don't have to work
on my back.
[Keys jingle]
[Buzzer]
You know, your visa
expires in 20 days,
so if I were you, I'd make
some travel arrangements.
Otherwise,
you're gonna be coming
back here
for an extended stay.
Where is Carlos?
In the car.
This place makes him
a little jumpy.
The agent said they'd received
reliable information
that my status had expired.
CARLOS:
That is bullshit!
Can't we sue the police,
hire a lawyer
or something?
No podemos pagar,
mi amor.
MIKE:
What'd she say?
No money for lawyers.
Well, maybe
I could do it.
I'm almost a lawyer.
Oh, boy.
[Sighs]
There are basically
two ways
to immigrate
into the U.S.,
through an employer
or a family member.
We don't have either one.
I know.
So your only hope is
winning the visa lottery.
What is that?
It's a lottery
for green cards.
And what are her chances?
About the same as
winning the Powerball.
Uh, well...
The only way you could
legally stay in the U.S.
Is for you to find
a U.S. Citizen to marry.
The same for you,
Carlos.
Well, it's not a bad idea.
It's a pretty good idea.
What?
Come on.
That wouldn't be so hard
to find somebody
to marry you.
We could pay somebody,
yeah? I mean...
They don't have any money,
and neither do we.
We could chip in.
We don't need any money.
I mean, who...
They would marry her for free.
And I would marry
a rich white guy too.
Are you crazy?
Yes.
That's illegal. You
have to marry a woman.
Fine. I'll marry
a rich white girl.
Does it matter?
I'm handsome.
[Laughs]
What's so funny?
I'm serious.
No, that might
actually work.
I mean, if you're
game, I'm game.
I mean, why not?
I'm game.
Hang on. Wait. Wait.
This is way over my head.
Let's find a real lawyer.
BETTY: You want to what?
MIKE: Betty, you said
you wanted to help 'em out.
Yeah, help,
donate time to the cause,
give free legal advice,
but not you.
This is something
I want to do,
and I know
it's gonna be tough,
but, look, maybe this
is something we need.
This is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
We do not need this.
Our lives are perfectly fine
just the way they are.
This is Elena, and,
you know, in this case,
it really is
just a piece of paper.
They're
our best friends.
I know.
Well, then, let's do it.
What's the worst
that could happen?
So how long do we
have to stay married?
Two years. It's a long time,
and it's serious.
I have to state again
that Congress has devoted
an entire act to the penalties
for engaging in marriage fraud.
I could be disbarred before
I even finish law school.
She's right. This isn't
something to rush into.
Look, you're the one
who's running out of time.
Marriage is supposed to
be a sacred commitment.
We'll still be couples.
It's just she'll
be married to Carlos.
I'll be married to you.
Nothing will change.
Hey, wait a second.
I still have six months
left on my visa.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, then I'll go first.
Elena, do you want
to get married... to me?
I don't know.
I guess it's
the only way.
You guys are
our best friends,
and to give us
this opportunity
to remain here together,
I don't know
what to say.
Then say yes.
By the power vested in me
by the state of Alabama,
I now pronounce you
man and wife
or woman and husband,
whatever be your fancy.
Heh heh.
You may now kiss the bride.
Anytime today, son.
What the hell was that?
Put your arms around her.
Give her some tongue, son.
W-We're just
a little shy.
Did it flash, Betty?
No.
You need
to kiss again.
It didn't flash.
Sorry, Mike.
Kiss her like you mean it,
like a man.
MINISTER: Right on!
Hubba-hubba!
[Humming
wedding-style music]
They're excited.
Hold on. Let me get
on the other side.
Hold that. Good.
Okay.
1, 2, 3.
Perfect. One with the ring.
One with the ring.
One more.
Okay.
Yay!
Congratulations!
We're next, baby.
Oh, God.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
She's still my girlfriend.
Take it easy. You just
got married, huh?
Yeah.
Finally.
Te veo, Orita.
What's wrong?
This whole thing
is kind of weird.
I swore before God that I
would honor and cherish Mike.
The minister said for him to
give you some tongue, Elena.
I don't think God was
really listening, huh?
Let me have this.
Now...
think your husband
knows about this, hmm?
[Both laugh]
I've been married for
less than nine hours.
I'm already
having an affair.
No. I can't.
I'm sorry.
It's just been
a really weird day.
Okay.
I bet my wife and her boyfriend
are having the same problem.
[Sandy Cressman singing
Yo Lo Deseoin Spanish]
[Laughs]
All right, leave it to me.
Your choice.
[Grunts] Yes.
What?
Yeah.
What's gotten into you?
I don't know.
Maybe it's the thrill
of cheating on my wife.
Oh, well, I hardly
consider this cheating.
You know, we are still
living together.
Well, maybe when
you marry Carlos,
you'll understand
the rush.
[Sandy Cressman
singing in Spanish]
[Knock on door]
[Man singing in Spanish]
[Knock on door]
[Lamp shatters]
[Clears throat]
Who the hell are you?
Officer Ravencourt
with ICE.
ICE?
Immigration.
Doesn't mean you can
barge in here!
Bush isn't president
anymore.
The door was open.
Did we do anything wrong?
We'll find out, won't we?
Are you Michael White?
Michael White?
I thought you said your name
was Jimmy Sheldon.
I can explain.
Hold on there, hot pants.
Are you
Miss Elena Dub...
Certainly am not.
Do you think I actually
look like her?
I hope, for your sake, that
was a rhetorical question.
Who is she?
His wife.
His wife?
Of all the nerve.
You know, I hope you
do arrest him for lying
for trying to get
into my pants!
Well, from the looks of it,
he did a pretty good job.
I didn't know
he was married.
How could you?
Ma'am, it's not
what you think.
It never is, Mr. White.
Now I am here to conduct
a preliminary investigation
into the status of your marriage
to the woman in this photo.
I'm sure you're aware
that marriage fraud
is not just a misdemeanor.
It's a federal offense
punishable by jail time.
Now who lives here?
Uh, well, I used to,
but now I live
with Ms. Dubrovnik.
And the address?
On a boat.
A boat, you say?
Yeah.
A thing that floats.
Hmm.
How romantic.
[Telephone rings]
And this woman?
[Ring]
Oh, she...
Just someone who picked me up
on Ocean Drive.
Pickedyouup?
[Scoffs]
I see.
[Ring]
[Laughs]
MIKE: Hi.
It's Mike and Betty.
BETTY: We can't get
to the phone right now.
But leave a message,
and we'll get back to you.
BOTH: Bye.
[Beep]
Mike, honey,
this is your mother,
and I am holding a letter
from Immigration
and it says that you have
married some Russian person.
[Sighs] Call us, please.
This better be
some terrible mistake.
[Beep]
It's my mom.
She found out
two weeks ago,
but early dementia.
Mm-hmm.
Your Ben & Jerry's
is melting.
What... Oh.
Have a good day,
Mr. White.
I'm sure the two of you
have a lot to talk about.
I'm going to jail.
I'm not gonna make it.
I know I won't.
I'm weak when it comes
to enclosed spaces.
We're talking
serious time here.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
Why didn't you stop me?
Maybe we'll just go
to another country.
Maybe I can go
to Colombia with Carlos.
At least I'll know somebody
who can speak the language.
I'll order food
from restaurants.
I'll get directions.
Mike, calm down.
What do you mean, calm down?
What do you...
Look at what we
got ourselves into.
We? Oh, no, no,
no, no, no.
This was your idea!
What about me?
I don't want to go
to jail either.
You aren't the one
married to Elena, Betty.
You're in the clear.
Until I marry Carlos.
Then I'm in just as much
trouble as you are.
Just think of it
this way.
We tried to do
something good for once,
and we thought of other
people before ourselves.
You did a noble
and a courageous thing
for our friends.
I won't bathe.
Granted, there will be an odor,
but it's a small price to pay
for not becoming a sex toy.
Mike, Mike, you just
have to push forward
with this thing.
Play it out all the way.
Yeah,
all the way to jail.
I just want to
pretend none of this
ever happened.
I want a divorce.
You and Elena are married.
It's a legally
binding document.
You can't abandon her.
That's it.
We'll swap. Simple.
Swap?
Swap what?
Each other.
Um, I'll move in
with Elena,
and Carlos will
move in with you.
Oh, God, no. [Laughs]
I am not gonna live
with Carlos.
You wanted to go
all the way.
No! Well, baby, this is all the way.
I don't know
what else to do.
I told the woman
I was living on a boat.
Oh, uh-uh. I don't...
Ohh! I don't know.
Carlos in my apartment?
Our apartment.
Using my bathroom, going
through my personal things.
He's not neat.
There's got to be another way.
Prison.
That's the better way.
El barco m? O?
That's crazy, man.
I forbid it.
It will never work.
It has to.
The agent has to
come and see
that we're a happy,
loving, married couple
living together
under one roof,
or in this case,
your goddamn boat.
She saw us doing it.
She was in your bedroom?
No, we were
in the living room.
Nice work, amigo.
Where?
On the floor?
Against a wall?
On the couch.
That's totally
off topic. I... Focus.
Okay, okay.
Let's say we do this.
Where do I live?
With me.
Really?
I can live with that.
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Another honeymoon #
# And not a moment too soon?
# Just what we needed #
# Another honeymoon #
[Glass shatters]
# Uh-huh #
# Ooh doo doo doo #
# Tears on my pillow... #
No problem. It was just
my CD and my stereo.
It's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
# Another day #
# Another dime... #
[Mouths word]
I hate these shorts.
Don't let him wear them.
I'm just gonna
throw 'em out.
Whoop.
Okay...
I'll get this.
I guess this
is all of it.
Well...
Well, this is awkward.
Yeah. [Laughs]
Yeah, it's a
little strange.
Uh, I guess me
and the missis
will go back
to thecasa.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll call you later,
sweetie.
Te veo, Orita.
Bye.
Bye.
MIKE: Don't do anything
I wouldn't do, you know.
I don't know.
You know what I mean.
Just keep your paws
off the merchandise.
Right back at you, bro.
Ah.
Hey, hey, Mike,
I can say
the same thing to you.
You don't have to.
Ciao.
Ciao.
[Sighs]
[Sighs]
So, shall
I bring my stuff
into your bedroom,
Betty Boo?
[Laughs] Carlos.
Yeah?
Stop.
What?
Okay.
It's a beautiful night.
I'm gonna go
sleep up on deck.
Sleep on top
of the sheets with me.
I don't think
that's a good idea.
What if the agent
comes back?
You're right.
Mike, thank you
for being my fake husband.
Hi.
Hi.
I just put some clean
towels out for you.
Gracias.
Are you gonna
be okay out here?
I think I'd be a little
more comfortable in your bed.
[Both laugh]
Good night, Carlos.
What kind
of Latin lover am I?
[Scoffs] The couch.
Shit.
Did you sleep well?
Yeah. It must have
been the water.
The gentle rocking,
it's nice, huh?
Yeah, it's like a...
It's like a big water bed.
I'm coming up.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
I didn't see anything.
I don't mind if you look.
Hand me that towel.
Does that make you
feel uncomfortable?
No.
Yes.
I don't know.
You can look now.
I'll never understand
you Europeans
and your utter freedom
with your body.
Everyone has one, no?
Do you always swim naked
in the morning?
The fish don't
seem to mind.
Do you?
I don't mind
if they don't mind.
[Farts]
[Farts]
[Elena screams]
Aah!
Get out!
Jesus.
God, at least knock.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Help.
Help!
Elena, help!
What?
I can't...
The water's off.
I can't see anything.
I got soap in my eyes.
Oh, hold on.
Here.
Thank you.
Ow! Fuck!
It's fucking freezing.
[Laughs]
Did you see anything?
Um, maybe, a little.
It's... It's cold.
[Laughs]
Mike. Elena.
Hello. Hey.
Hey.
Where's Elena?
She's at a job interview.
Did you forget something?
No, man. I just came by
to see how you're doing.
Uh, we're good. You?
Yeah, man,
I'm cool.
Man, you got
a nice crib.
Thanks. Thank you.
How's Betty?
It's cool.
Yeah, Elena's good too.
Oh, good. [Laughs]
Man, we got a couple of
cool girlfriends, huh?
I mean,
not a lot of girls
would go for
this living situation.
So how'd you sleep,
buddy?
Good. Good. You?
Oh, I miss Elena
and sleeping in my bed
and all that.
Me too. [Laughs]
Sleeping with Elena?
No, uh, Betty.
What... What did you think?
[Both laugh]
It's just... Heh heh.
[Both laughing]
No, really,
where did you sleep?
I was gonna sleep up there,
but she wouldn't let me.
Oh, that's nice of her.
So then where?
I slept down here
on top of the...
on top of the floor.
You mean on the floor?
On the floor, yeah.
[Both chuckle]
Yeah. Well,
I got to go to work.
Can you tell Elena
I came by to say hello?
Okay. Ple...
Tell Betty hi too, please.
Cool. Uh...
did she go swimming
this morning?
Who? Di...
Elena.
Sorry. Uh, I don't know.
I was... I was sleeping, so...
Tell her not to, okay?
Don't... Are you afraid
she might drown?
[Both laugh]
Just tell her not to.
Carlos says no swimming.
Thank you.
Okay. Nada.
Give me a hug.
Okay.
BETTY: Oh, my God!
Ohh!
What?
[Gasps]
Oh, shit!
[Cell phone
ringtone playing]
Hi, baby. Miss me?
You've got a problem.
We promised my parents
we'd be there for Thanksgiving,
so we'll never hear the end
of it if we bail on them.
Just take Elena
with you.
As my wife?
She is your wife for
the next 23 months.
All right, if I'm going,
you're going with me.
Okay, fine. I'll go.
Don't have to be
such a baby about it.
As Carlos' fianc? E.
I like that idea.
Guys, this sounds
very complicated.
My mom's gonna be so pissed.
She loves Betty.
He's so uptight.
How do you live
with this guy?
Mama's boy.
MIKE: I told you
we should have
taken the highway
and not surface streets.
Everybody and their mother's
leaving town.
CARLOS: Stop being
so uptight, Mike.
I'm just saying.
BETTY: We heard you
the first time, Mike.
[Car horn honks]
Now, remember,
we can't blow this.
We convince them,
we can convince
the INS agent from hell.
I know. We've only been
over it a hundred times.
MAN: Jill!
Jill, they're here!
[Man laughs]
Mom,
happy Thanksgiving!
Welcome home, sweetie!
This must be
the lucky bride.
Oh, happy Thanksgiving.
ELENA:
Hello, Mr. White.
Whoa, I got that, Dad.
Well, I can see why you made
such a rash decision, son.
You are a looker.
Hi, Harold.
Hey, Betty. No disrespect.
Who's this?
Carlos, sir.
Mexican?
A little further
south, Colombia.
Oh, yeah,
where the drugs come from.
Are you, uh,
muling any cocaine, pal?
Uh...
I'm just pulling your leg,
hombre.
[Laughs]
Betty, so good to have
you here again, dear.
Hi, Jill. How are you?
Hello, Mrs. White.
Oh, and you.
You must really
be something
to steal my son's heart
so quickly.
You know,
we didn't even have time
to put an announcement
in the paper.
You didn't knock her up,
did you, son?
Jesus, Dad.
I'm not pregnant,
Mr. White.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not Mr. White. Call me Harold.
Mr. White makes me
sound like an old guy.
And you.
Carlos.
Yes, you stole Betty
from my son.
Ohh.
I just caught her
on the rebound.
I'm her Latin
love machine.
[No audio]
Uh, where's my sibling?
She called,
said she'd be here
in time for dinner.
Mi amor.
I'm gonna get the bags.
I'll help you.
You kids today.
You're just so open
with your relationships.
Jill. [Laughs]
I got it.
No, I got it.
It's okay. I'm good.
I got it, man.
It's okay. I got it.
I know you got it,
but I got it.
I'm gonna take it.
She's my wife.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I can handle my own bags,
but thanks for
not even offering.
Mexican drug dealer?
HAROLD: Here it is.
Come on in. [Laughs]
Come on in.
What do you think, huh?
Down there?
Thank you for
carrying my bag.
Of course.
So sweet.
The house
looks the same.
Wow.
This is very white.
[Laughs]
[All laugh]
White house.
Yes, it is. Very white.
Why did you dump Betty?
I...
She must be heartbroken.
Does she look
heartbroken?
I'm just saying, honey,
it was all so sudden,
and Betty's such
a nice young lady,
and Carlos is so, so...
Latin?
Yes, exactly.
Look, Mom, uh, just
because Betty's nice
doesn't mean
that I should spend
the rest of my life
with her.
But a Russian?
I mean, they used
to be our enemy.
I... Mom, Elena's smart,
and she speaks her mind,
and she doesn't schedule
every waking moment.
What's wrong with scheduling?
I mean, if I didn't, our lives
would be absolute chaos.
Okay, Mom.
Unh! It's just all so odd.
All right, everyone,
why don't we all settle in?
Uh, Betty, you and Mike,
you take Mike's old room
just like always.
Wait. Mom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, I'm just so used
to Betty being here.
Uh, So, Betty, you'll
be in Sarah's room,
and, um, Carlos, you'll
be in the guesthouse,
and Mike and Elena...
Are married.
Right.
You have any Pepto-Bismol?
Yes.
I'm surprised
by how casual you are.
I mean, four years together.
I couldn't be
so cool about it.
Well, we just decided
that there is
no reason why
we can't stay friends.
Oh, I suppose
that Latin love machine
takes some of the sting
out of it. [Laughs]
[Betty laughs]
Betty, you can
be honest with me.
Is she using him?
For what?
To stay in this country.
I'm guessing
she isn't a citizen.
Uh, they just fell in love,
Jill, really.
Well, what do
you know about her?
Did she just appear
out of thin air?
He has never
mentioned her, not once,
and I only learned about it
because I got a letter.
Actually, she's my, um...
She's my best friend.
She's your best friend,
and you're fine
that she's with
your old boyfriend?
Yeah, well... [Laughs]
I know that this...
It seems awkward,
but they're just
really happy together,
and I know that Mike wants you
to be happy for them as well.
Well, I'll try.
Oh, it's just so good
to have you here, dear.
Mmm.
Just all very strange.
[Slow exhalation]
This is going
pretty well, huh?
What?
I just feel bad
for Betty.
Why?
[Sighs]
Well, your parents
obviously love her.
She should be the one
sleeping here, not me.
I feel like a fake in
front of your parents.
Look, it's... it's just
gonna be one night.
Whoa.
Dad.
I am so sorry, kids.
I forgot.
You have to knock
with newlyweds
in the house.
Dad, it's okay.
We were just...
Talking.
Talking.
Yeah, I can see it
on your face.
You can't fool me,
sweetheart.
Yeah, you've got that look.
[Laughs] Talking?
You're a lucky guy, son.
Well, come on.
Pull yourself away
from this beautiful
Russian bride of yours.
We'll hit some balls
before dinner.
Hey, where's Carlos?
Does he play?
Hey, Carlos! Carlos!
What does he mean,
hit balls?
[Knock on door]
Betty, this is crazy.
Mike's mother
doesn't believe in us,
and his father
is just a little nuts!
He grows on you,
kind of like Mike.
I don't want anyone
to grow on me.
Elena, the INS is
already suspicious.
They've contacted
his parents.
This is our insurance.
I know. It's a mess.
We just have to get through it
the best way we can.
We'll be right back, hon.
Dinner will be
ready at 5:00.
Yeah, I know. I know.
We're just gonna play
the front nine, okay?
Well, does Carlos
play golf?
Well, I didn't
think I did.
Do you drinkcerveza?
I do that
very well, sir.
Do you smoke cigars?
[Scoffs] Of course.
I'm Colombian.
Then you can play golf, son.
Nice.
[Laughs]
Hey, you're early.
Look at you.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hola.
Hola.
Your mother will explain.
Let's go, men.
Hey. Yeah. Hi.
You're early.
Hey.
Ah, look who's here.
Hi, sweetie.
Here. Give me that.
Okay.
So where's the wife?
All right, hombre.
Left arm straight,
straight.
Okay, so hand like
this, finger here,
like... like you're
holding a gun.
Oh, that's easy. Yeah.
And, uh,
up and back.
Jesus Christ.
Make it...
Make it two boxes.
All right.
Okay, I'm ready.
Hey, batter, batter,
batter, batter!
Batter! Heh.
Sorry, sir.
Oh, not bad, son.
Not bad at all.
Okay, Carlos,
head down, eye on the ball.
Hey, I didn't mean
to barge in
on the hot and heavy
with Elena, Mike.
You know, I never really
mentioned it before,
but, uh, I don't
really care for Betty.
No offense, Carlos.
Eye on the ball.
I mean, she's just
kind of stuck-up
for my taste.
She's not stuck-up.
She's a little
stuck-up, Mike.
Oh, but this
Russian chick,
she is hot as hell.
I walked in on 'em.
Another couple
of minutes,
it would have been
high heels to the sky.
I never touched her.
Nothing happened, man,
only in his perverted mind.
No need to defend
yourself, pal.
You're married.
Don't listen to him.
If you touch her, Mike,
I will kill you.
It's our way.
Whoa!
You're a natural,
amigo.
Hey, I don't
know how you
play the game
where you come from,
but here
in this country,
we pick up the club,
we walk to the ball.
We do not throw
the club.
[Overlapping conversations]
All right, everybody,
dessert plates to the sink.
I'll do it, Mom.
Oh, good man. This will
give you practice
for your
food service career
when you finally
get your degree.
What's that supposed
to mean?
Oh, I don't know.
What was your, uh...
your college major?
L-I'm getting a PhD.
HAROLD: A PhD.
I'm studying English literature,
specifically the sonnet.
The sonnet.
Yes.
What are you gonna do
with these sonnets?
You gonna stand on
a corner and sell them?
What Mike is studying is the
sonnets as a literature genre.
It goes back
to the 14th century,
Italian poet Petrarch,
and not until the 16th century...
Sweetheart, that is
all very fascinating,
but it seems to me
if you're gonna put
all that time
and all that money
into a degree, you ought
to get something
that's gonna put food
on the table.
JILL: Enough, Harold.
We have been through this
a thousand times.
Yeah, I know. I'm just
yanking his chain.
The study of poetry is a very
valuable task, Mr. White.
Part of the original text of
the Bible was written as poetry,
so it has many purposes besides
bringing beauty to the world.
Hmm.
I assure you,
we'll be just fine.
You do what you love.
You also have to work hard
at what you love.
I just don't
understand, Betty.
You and Mike, you were
made for each other.
Obviously,
we weren't, Mom.
Otherwise, I wouldn't
be married to Elena.
What are you gonna
serve your children
on Thanksgiving, Elena?
Borscht? Vodka?
Jesus, Mom!
If it's not one of you,
it's the other.
We don't celebrate Thanksgiving
in Russia, Mrs. White.
Well, of course not.
What do you have
to be thankful for?
Chernobyl?
Losing the space race?
I mean, you sent a monkey.
Shh, shh, shh.
What do you and my son
have in common?
We are very much
in love.
She hates me.
No, she hates me for
blowing it with her son.
Okay, let's calm down.
She's your mother,
and you hurt her.
Poor Elena has to put up
with this for two years.
We'll make it
through this.
If we can make it through
this horrible night,
we can make it
through anything.
Oh, did I
interrupt something?
No. Actually,
Carlos and I
were going to bed.
Good night.
Keep it down tonight, son.
Oh, and, uh, try not to break
the bedsprings, you lucky dog.
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Good night, Dad.
I thought you were
sleeping with Sarah.
No. Your mother
insisted as a couple
we stay together.
We are engaged.
That's right.
CARLOS: Putting it
in the back. Oh, hold on.
Ah, almost.
Oh, I got my hand on there.
[Groaning] I... I... I got...
Oh, it's so tight.
[Groans]
Oh, God. Ahh.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to watch
thef? Tbolgame
once I get
this cable connected.
It's after midnight.
Football isn't on.
I'm talking about
realf? Tbol, okay?
Colombia versus Argentina.
[Laughs] Oh.
What's the matter? You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just...
I... I needed to get
some air. Oh.
Yeah.
Remind me never
to do this again.
You mean to tell me
we're not coming
for Christmas?
[Laughs]
Hey, listen. I'm really
worried about Elena, man.
Seriously, I mean,
this is really hard on her.
I mean, we have
your mother against us,
the United States
government.
It's very difficult,
and I'm sure it's hard
on you too.
I'm okay.
Right.
Look, I wanted
to talk to you
about something, man.
Yeah?
I just wanted
to say thank you,
and words can't express
how I feel about you
and what you've done.
No problem. [Laughs]
What'd you think
I was gonna say?
I thought, eh...
I thought you thought that
Elena and I were going at it.
[Laughs]
I know what your dad
said and everything,
but I know for sure,
for sure that Elena
doesn't find you the
least bit attractive.
I mean, you're
a good-looking guy
and everything, but...
In the dark.
Hi.
You read my dissertation.
Are you mad?
Uh, no.
Uh, just the opposite.
The sonnets are
very beautiful, Mike.
Even if your parents
don't understand,
you shouldn't be ashamed
of what you love.
BETTY: What a nightmare.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Thank you.
Keep it up, son.
[Laughs]
Bye.
Bye.
Something very strange
is going on here.
It's called love,
Mother. It happens.
If he's so in love with her,
then why isn't he riding in
the back seat with his wife?
Ah, who gives a shit?
Let it go, Mom.
Just be happy
he's happy.
Have you worked
on a boat before?
Nope. Unh!
I've never taken a shower
without water before either.
[Laughs]
"The day,
the month, the year,
"oh, bless them all.
"The season
and the time,
"the hour and
the moment,
"the gorgeous
countryside,
"the very spot
where two eyes
struck me first
and bound me fast."
"And bless the first
sweet palpitation
"that swept over me
as I grew one with love.
"And bless the bow that
shot arrows that pierced
"and wounds so deep they
went down to my heart.
"And bless the flock of
words I've scattered round
as I pronounced
my lady's name again..."
"the sighs and all the
tears and the desire.
"And bless
the pages too,
"pages where I have
gained some fame for her
"with all my thoughts
"which are of her alone,
excluding others."
[Jingle Bells
Instrumental playing]
[Snapping and laughter]
Okay, give me
the present.
Um, that's for you,
Betty. The blue one...
The blue one
there's for me.
Can you please
give me that?
S? Senor.
I've already
checked it out.
This is for Carlos.
Woo hoo hoo hoo!
I guess Mike is
going first to open.
Yes. You spent so much time
laying around the apartment,
that I thought you'd be
more comfortable in a robe.
It's nice.
[Laughs]
Thank you, honey.
This is really
thoughtful.
Matches your eyes.
Uh, you're next.
For once,
Carlos goes first.
[Laughs]
It's a tie.
[Laughs] It's a...
Just what
you always wanted.
No, it's a...
No, I really like it.
I just... I just got
to buy a suit now.
I thought it's time
to embrace change.
Gracias, mi amor.
You're next.
It's a gift certificate,
but I thought...
I thought that you...
You're always
so disappointed
with the stuff
that you get. This time,
you can buy yourself
something,
and that way, you
wouldn't be disappointed
like you normally are.
I don't know what...
I don't know what to say.
CARLOS: Elena,
this is for you.
Wow, Carlos.
These are beautiful.
Betty, look.
Those are amazing.
Wow, look.
Ha ha ha.
Actually, I have
something too.
Um, could you...
Sorry.
I thought my wife
would want
something from, uh,
her husband, so...
This is for me?
Yes.
Wow.
Uh, the first charm
is for good fortune
in America.
The second charm
is for, uh,
finding a job you adore,
and the third charm,
the heart,
is for luck in love.
Mike, this is so thoughtful.
You're welcome.
I just... I...
It's very nice.
Why the hell does she
need love, man?
She has me.
Um, anyway, uh...
wine all around,
yes?
Yes.
Yes?
Okay.
Betty.
Okay, so you were
born in Moscow.
Your birthday
is September 26.
Uh, you don't like
to drink ice water,
because it makes
your teeth cold.
You, uh... You count from 1 to 120
when you brush your teeth.
When you're nervous,
you tuck a piece of hair
behind your ear even though
it isn't out of place.
I don't do that.
Yeah, you do. It's only when
you're nervous. It's cute.
Um, your favorite color
is green.
Uh, you talk in your sleep
in Russian,
so I don't understand
what you're saying.
How does it sound?
I don't know. Uh...
happy, I guess.
Should I go on?
They're not gonna
ask all that anyway.
We have our names
on the boat lease,
joint credit cards
and a checking account,
the photos
at our wedding
and your parents' house.
All they care about
is documentation.
Should I tell them how you like
to swim naked at sunrise?
That's our secret.
Who are these other people?
Uh, my best friend
and his fianc? E.
How were the ribs?
We didn't have any.
Um, we wanted to get
going with the honeymoon,
if you know
what I'm saying.
[Chuckles]
What's Elena's
favorite soda?
Sorry?
Her favorite soda?
Come on.
This should be easy.
You've been man and wife
for how long?
Uh, it'll be
two months Friday.
So what's the answer?
This is your wife.
She... She doesn't
have any.
She only drinks,
uh, wine
or water without ice.
Heh.
Correct.
Well, you'll receive
your immigration papers
in four weeks.
Oh, my God!
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Another day goes by #
# Another in your eye... #
Are you saying you don't
want to have children?
No. Of course that's not
what I'm saying.
I just, you know...
[Scoffs]
Because I want
a family,
and it's not something
you can plan.
It might just happen.
You're not pregnant,
are you?
Oh, my God.
CARLOS: No.
Would that be so terrible?
Yes.
No, it'd be great.
She just started
her life here.
Mothers have careers
all the time,
millions of 'em.
Not when a baby is sucking
all the life and money
out of you.
Oh, my God, that's cold.
Guys, I'm not pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Gracias.
Oh, I... I almost
shit on myself, man.
[Laughs] Me, too.
Carlos, it would kill you
to be a father, mi amor?
No. I mean, you know,
I can barely take care
of myself now, you know.
Yeah, that's right.
I think I'm gonna have
a baby when I'm 33.
It's not too old,
and it's not too young.
I'm not sure it's
something you can
put on a spreadsheet
and tack to
your refrigerator,
darlin'.
Sure I can.
I'm sorry.
Far be it from me
to doubt your ability
to control everything.
Wow. I thought
you were already 33.
That's not very nice.
BETTY: That, ladies
and gentlemen of the jury,
is what happened.
What'd you think
of my closing argument?
It was okay.
But you say it
like it was just...
you know, just fine.
[Sighs]
That's right.
That's exactly what I said.
How long do I have to wait?
Oh. Oh, um, innocent.
Let him go.
No, I'm the prosecution,
Carlos.
I mean, guilty.
Lock the son of a bitch up.
[Groans]
Aw. Look, I'm sorry.
You have to be
more convincing, you know.
Put more passion,
more fire into it.
Make me believe you.
700 ADL rifle for 15 years.
He knows this rifle
very well,
as he uses it every weekend
during hunting season.
Betty,
you were fantastic!
You were great, brilliant,
so convincing!
Oh, you're so sweet.
Thank you.
Guilty!
Ohh.
Now we can catch up.
What?
You know.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Um, we've actually
got to get going.
Elena has a meeting with
an employer in the morning.
Te veo, Orita.
Gracias, mi amor.
Buena suerte.
So what's up, Betty Boo?
Want to go dancing?
Trip the light
fantastic?
Yah.
# Do you like the way
I move... #
Oh, this was
a good idea...
[Horn honks]
Hearing those.
Whoo! Getting attention.
Whoo. I love attention.
Is Mike really working
on his thesis tonight?
It's not a thesis, Betty.
It's a dissertation,
and that's what he said
he wanted to do.
And you believed him?
Shouldn't I?
Elena, he has been working
on that thesis for years.
He doesn't want
to finish it.
Why not?
Because then he'll have
to get a real job
and enter
the real world.
And he doesn't
want a real job?
Mike doesn't really
know what he wants.
DEAN BANTLEY:
# Hello, what can I say? #
# My God, you know #
# It's gonna be called,
call it love #
# Everybody wants,
everybody needs... #
ELENA: This guy has
been staring at you.
I thought that
he was looking at you.
I wanted to ask you
something.
Yeah.
Do you love Mike?
Um, I think so.
You're not sure?
Yes, I do. I do.
I love him.
But you don't seem happy.
Well, four years
is just a long time
to be with
the same person.
Why have you stayed together
if you're not happy?
Because it's safe.
We know
each other's boundaries,
not to cross them.
It's not perfect,
but it works for us.
# Then you want
to come back #
# And you found another?
# Then you're left alone
# A-waiting for another?
# Another now, aoww! #
Hello there, Mrs. White.
Oh, I like
the sound of that.
It's, uh,
easier to pronounce.
Very American.
Have you been
working all night?
Yeah. If I keep having
nights like this,
I'm gonna be done
in a couple of days.
Mike White, PhD.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you. I've been, uh...
I don't know. I been feeling
more passionate lately.
Passion's good.
What are you doing?
Dancing got me
all sweaty and hot,
so I'm gonna take a dip.
Care to join me?
No. I'm gonna stay here
and work.
[Tango music plays]
[Sighs deeply]
BETTY: Mmm, that
smells great, Carlos.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
I'll get it.
Hello.
Hey, what do you want
to do tonight?
Oh, I'm... I'm not feeling
very well right now.
I think I'm coming down
with something.
You gonna
stay home then?
That's probably for
the best. I'm sorry.
That's okay. I'll just...
I'll stay here then.
Happy New Year, baby.
You too.
[Beep]
Was that Mike?
Yeah. Elena is... is sick.
She's not feeling
very well.
He's going to stay home
and take care of her.
Okay.
Do you want to do
something with me instead?
[Woman speaking Spanish]
[Bilingual Girl
by Yerba Buena playing]
MEN: # All I want
is a bilingual girl #
# To love me
in both languages #
# Love me in Spanish
when we're getting started?
WOMAN: # Excuse me? #
# And English when we're
close to the end #
# Oh, yeah #
# All I want is
a bilingual girl #
# Been lookin'
all around the world #
# Everybody has
to understand #
# That two tongues
are better than one #
# Two tongues are
better than one #
# Two tongues
are better than one #
[Song fades]
How many do you think
there are?
I don't know. How many?
Over a hundred thousand.
[Song resumes]
[Woman singing in Spanish]
# I can say,"Papi",
you can say, "Mommy" #
# I say,"Dinero,"
and you say, "Money" #
# I say, "Tomorrow,"
and you say,"Manana"#
# I'll see you then #
[Singing in Spanish]
[Song fades]
[Fireworks exploding]
Happy New Year, Mr. White.
Back at you, Mrs. White.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have done that.
You're right.
It wasn't good.
I mean, it was good,
but it was bad
to have liked it.
I have to go talk
to Betty.
We have... We haven't
done anything,
but just the kiss.
Not to me.
To me, it meant
something else. I...
I wanted you.
Please don't make this
a bigger deal than it is. It...
Betty is my best friend,
and she'll be so upset
if she found out.
If we're gonna do this,
we have to be
honest with each other,
all of us.
Don't forget Carlos.
I imagine he's not
gonna be very pleased.
What's this?
Oh, shit, man.
What are you doing here?
Uh, this used
to be my apartment.
That used to be
my girlfriend.
BETTY: This isn't
what it looks like.
No.
I can explain.
Okay, explain.
We were dancing
at a club.
That's your excuse?
You were dancing, so it's okay?
Let me finish.
Don't bother!
I've seen enough.
[Door closes]
Go after him!
Okay.
Mike!
Hey, Mike!
Whoa.
Have you no guilt?
Of course
I have guilt.
I'm Catholic.
Let me explain,
okay?
Okay, explain.
It was just
a thing, okay?
It will never
happen again.
You have my word
as a man of honor
and as your friend.
Okay, I get it. So you have
this thing with my girlfriend.
What was it, just...
just some meaningless fuck?
I... What would you do
if you were me, Carlos?
I would...
Okay, I want you to think
a little bit before you answer,
'cause I'm trying to figure out
my responsibility here.
I thought we had this
all worked out.
You see, my best friend
is living with my girlfriend.
I'm married to his fianc? E...
Uh, for their sake, mind you.
And then I find out that he's
sleeping with my girlfriend,
who's also his fianc? E.
That's just a little
fucking complicated, Carlos,
so... so why don't
you think a bit
before you tell me
why you fucked her?
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
No.
No.
You don't bring up that
marriage bullshit, okay?
That is meaningless,
okay?
It is a paper marriage.
Okay.
You hear me?
Elena loves me, okay,
Mike? Not you.
She was gonna
sleep with me,
but I didn't
because of you!
Elena loves me, Mike!
Me, Carlos Sanchez,
the Latin lover!
[Scoffs]
Lover's quarrel?
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Agent Ravencourt with ICE.
Do you know a Carlos Sanchez,
Ms. Dubnik?
Dubrovnik.
What is your relationship
with Mr. Sanchez?
He was my boyfriend
before I married
Mike White.
That's what he said.
You spoke to Carlos?
Less than an hour ago.
He said that he was
in love with you
and that your marriage
to Mr. White was purely a sham
to obtain legal right
to remain in this country.
Pack your bags.
If I could just...
You have two days
to leave this country,
and consider yourself lucky
that I don't arrest
the two of you
for defrauding the government
of the United States of America.
Please wait!
Please wait.
You're not gonna beg,
are you?
I hate begging.
I wanted to tell you
that you're right about us.
We did enter into this
to cheat the system.
All Carlos ever wanted was
to open a restaurant here.
I just wanted to stay.
He broke the law.
You all did.
I know, but as crazy
as it sounds,
I fell in love
with Mike.
I don't know whether
you can understand this,
but pretending
to be man and wife,
living together,
it just happened.
Pack your bags.
If you could
just please...
I'm sorry.
There's nothing more I can do.
Mike, wait.
How'd you know
I'd be in the library?
If you're one thing,
it's predictable.
I'm not too sure
about that.
We need to talk. This whole
thing is not what you think.
It's exactly
what I think.
We didn't mean
for this to happen.
I didn't mean to.
Carlos didn't mean to.
You know that.
You know that.
I have been so alone.
Betty,
it's okay, really.
It is.
I should be pissed,
but I'm not. I'm...
more upset that I'm
not upset about it.
Where does that
leave us then?
We're not in love,
Betty,
not the way
we're supposed to be.
If we were, we'd
have gotten married.
None of this
would have happened.
It's not that I didn't
want to get married.
Okay, stop. Stop.
Please, I get it.
Really, I do.
Why would you do
such a stupid thing?
She took me by surprise,
Elena.
I was jealous, okay?
I was mad,
and it was dumb,
and I'm sorry.
It's too late now.
I have to leave.
No! We'll hire
an attorney.
We'll fight this out.
I'll tell them
that it was out
of rage and jealousy.
Carlos, we've done
everything possible
and the impossible too.
There is nothing more
we can do.
No, nothing's
impossible.
JOEY HOLLAND:
# The old brass ring #
# The latest thing
is near #
# I'll stand my ground #
# Will the whole thing
disappear? #
# Will the well run dry
and the children cry #
# And papa merge
into the blind eye and see?
# Isn't that a dream? #
# Isn't it a dream #
# Just another heartbreaker?
# Is it what it seems? #
# Isn't that a dream? #
Why are you
letting her go?
What are you talking about?
Elena. She's being
deported, man.
You need to stop it.
When did that happen?
Today. The ICE agent
caught us.
How?
I fucked up, man.
I'm sorry.
I can't undo it.
I ruined it for Elena,
and I ruined it for me, man!
Wait. Was that why you
were there today?
You were there?
Well,
why didn't you walk in?
I thought...
I don't know what I thought.
I...
Actually, I do,
but don't worry about it.
I don't know what I'm
gonna do without Elena.
I mean, I can't
live without her.
Should have thought about that
before you humped Betty.
I explained that
already.
Look, you blew it.
I'm sad to see her go,
but there's
nothing more I can do.
I'm done with it. I'm done...
done with both of you.
You can't let her go,
man. She trusts you.
I trust you. What kind
of friend is that?
You tell me!
You fucked my girlfriend.
I already
explained to you.
That meant
nothing to me.
That's what pisses me off!
If it meant nothing,
why'd you do it?
I don't know.
I'm Latin.
It's in my blood.
Did you fuck Elena today too?
What?
I saw your hands
all over her.
I was comforting her,
man!
Did you fuck my wife?
Gentlemen,
take it outside.
My girlfriend
isn't enough for you?
You want Elena too?
Let's just
go outside, amigo.
We'll talk about it.
I'm very sorry, man.
Look, Mike, I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
I wish
I could unfuck her.
I wish I could take back
what I said to
the Immigration woman.
But when you're talking
about Elena, man,
I don't know
what you're saying.
Look, I didn't tell Elena
about Betty.
I... I didn't want
to hurt her feelings.
But things can't go back
the way they were.
Well, it doesn't
matter now.
She's leaving
anyway, right?
What, you didn't tell her?
What, are you crazy, man?
She'll have me by the balls.
Coward!
[Car alarm blares]
[Knocks on panel]
Knock, knock.
Come in.
You haven't been
returning my phone calls.
I know.
I didn't know what to say.
About what?
This is fucking perfect, man.
Just chill out, man.
I've been here before.
I haven't.
There's always
a first time
for everything,
like golf.
Just relax, okay?
We're gonna
get out of here.
We just won't press
charges on each other.
It's that simple.
I mean, it's your fault
that we're in here
anyway.
Why the fuck
did you hit me?
You should have told Elena.
It was not my place
to do that.
You want to sleep
with both of 'em.
She's my girlfriend,
okay?
She's also my wife.
Ese...
o.
Tiene tremendo cul
What'd he say?
He said you had
a cute ass.
Uh, gracias.
Muy bueno.
Real nice.
Uh, gracias.
De nada.
I see you got
a new girlfriend.
I hate you.
Right back at you.
Told you we'd get out.
You just gotta learn
how to chill out
once in a while, you know?
Make a hole!
Hey, uh, thank you
for a wonderful night.
My friend here met
a lot of nice friends.
[Laughs]
Hey, Mike, come on.
Have a sense of humor, man.
You're so uptight.
RENEE FAIN:
# Monday minutes drag into
# The evening... #
I have to go back.
I know. I ran into Carlos.
How soon do you have to go?
My plane is
at 4 P.M. Tomorrow.
Jesus.
Don't mess around, do they?
I... I feel horrible
about this, Elena.
# Lot of some sweet urge
# As I won't tire #
# Until these ties untangle?
# Days and counting #
# Hours we'd have
in between them #
# If only I could
recognize... #
Elena...
Don't say anything.
It will make things harder.
I don't want it
to end this way.
I know.
# Doors and windows #
# They are open now #
# Now #
# If only I could recognize?
# The truth #
# Wednesday's heart
beats faster #
# Fighting Thursday #
# Which gets in its way?
# As a song brings Friday
to its knees #
# My heart and hand,
my fingers freeze #
# I search
to find some relief #
# If only I could recognize?
# The truth #
# Doors and windows #
# They are opening now?
[Telephone rings]
Hello.
Come to the dock
with the Vespa.
Why?
I'm gonna stop Elena
from leaving.
Bring that tie you got
for Christmas.
Why do I need a tie?
I like the frigging tie!
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Once again, my friend?
# They start the search?
# Off and running... #
Agent Ravencourt!
[Groans]
Agent Ravencourt!
Mr. White?
I love my wife.
# Time goes flying #
# You can hear it pass?
[Car horns honking]
Out of the way,
asshole!
# Held together
by the winds of change #
# Winds forever
comin' down the range #
# But it's a way to be #
# And if our hearts
are free #
# Maybe our minds can be
# Maybe our eyes
could see the way #
# There'll be sadness
in our history #
# Free's the last thing
we wanna be #
# Held together
in security #
Mike!
# Next to you, babe,
next to me #
You can't arrest me.
I'm leaving.
I'm not here
to arrest you.
As the wife
of Michael White,
an American citizen,
you are welcome
to stay.
Welcome to America.
How did you do this?
Well, I said if she
was gonna send you away,
then I'd have to go
with you to Russia.
She said, "I hope you
catch pneumonia and die."
[Elena laughs]
Then I asked her
if she'd ever been in love,
the kind of love
that gets you in the gut,
where you can't stand
to be away
from the other person
even for a minute.
If she sent you away,
she'd be ripping out
a piece of my heart,
and I'd never get
to find another person
I'd want to spend
the rest of my life with.
And that did it?
Not really.
Um, when I started to cry
and got down on my knees
and begged,
then she realized
that I loved you
and I wanted you
to be my wife.
I never could
stand the sight
of a grown man crying.
Have a good life.
And leave
that motorbike for me.
You two
can catch a cab.
There's only one problem.
I checked all my bags
to Russia.
I don't have any clothes.
I don't have
a problem with that.
P.A. Recording:
The white zone is for loading
and unloading
of passengers only.
[Patria y Libertadplaying]
Man: # Wow #
# Huhh #
[Man singing in Spanish]
Whoo-hoo!
Hoo-hoo! Yeah!
[Applause]
I get two weddings,
Mr. White?
Only one that counts,
Mrs. White.
It's not too late
for us, Betty Boo.
Ohh. Take care, Carlos.
Yeah?
Yeah.
By the way,
I'm a real lawyer now.
Hey.
I'm glad I could help.
[Chanting]
Speech! Speech!
Whoo!
Whoo!
[Cheering]
Here's to the happy couple
and many, many
bilingual grandchildren.
Ha ha ha!
Yes, sir.
To love,
friendship and family,
the true poetry of life.
Ohh.
Ohh.
I know. I know.
You're next,
littlechiquita.
MAN: Bravo.
With who?
With me,
the Latin lover, baby.
[Laughs] I don't
think so, Carlos.
Are you still looking
for an American citizen
to marry, Mr. Sanchez?
Ho ho. Well,
I still have, uh...
another week left
on my, uh, visa.
Perhaps I can help.
Oh, yeah? How's that?
I have a feeling
you could rock my boat,
baby doll.
Come here, you gorgeous
hunk of man.
Okay, I...
Come here.
[Overlapping conversations]
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.
Look, I didn't mean that.
I'm not really
a Latin lover, okay?
There's not enough room
in my boat. Please. Please.
I'm... You're too much
of a woman for me.
Please. Please.
Oh, my God.
I don't even like meat.
I'm a vegetarian.
I'm really
not this Latin lover.
I'm gay. Yes, I'm gay.
Please. I... I like men.
I... I love men.
I don't even like women.
It's all a lie.
I'm going back to Colombia
with my boat, and...
and it's just there's
not enough room for you.
Please. Please...
JOEY HOLLAND:
# Just like we planned it?
# This must be love #
# Ooh #
# Ahh #
# Ooh #
# Ahh #
# Everything I've seen #
# Everything I dream #
# Everything I mean #
# This must be love #
# This must be love #
# This must be love #
# Just like we planned it?
# This must be love #
[Doors and Windows
by Renee Fain playing]
# Monday minutes drag into
# The evening #
# When hope begins to sound
a little louder #
# Tuesday comes with a lo
t of some sweet urge #
# As I won't tire #
# Until these ties untangle?
# Days and counting #
# Hours we'd have
in between them #
# If only I could recognize #
# The truth #
# Doors and windows #
# They are open now #