#IMomSoHard Live (2019) Movie Script

(upbeat music)
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Hi, this is Kristin.
- This is Jen.
- I have a three-year-old
boy named Dashel
and a seventh-month-old
named, um...
- Did you almost...
- Oh, my God.
- I'm a strong three
in Los Angeles,
a definite six in Nebraska,
but I am a 10
- in medieval times.
- Yes.
Hey, Dr. Seuss, does
"Red Fish, Blue Fish"
need to be a novel?
- I'm trying to
squeeze into like
girdles and Spanx, whatever.
On the other end it looks like
your ass is blowing a bubble.
- You could seduce my
husband with a ham sandwich.
Aren't you scared that
you're going to like,
get killed in an accident
and somebody's
going to find that?
- No. They're going to find
me without a hairy lip.
I've literally had laser hair
removal on my chin 14 times
and the lady said, and I quote,
"We just can't beat this."
- It's Delilah, and I love
her so, so, so, so much.
- She's super cute.
Whatever her name is.
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
from #IMomSoHard,
Kristin and Jen!
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Thank you for coming
out to #IMomSoHard Live!
We should all just relax.
We should all just relax.
- Okay, Kristin--
- Just relax.
- You should just relax.
- I know. I'm so nervous.
I peed like 40 times
before I came out here.
I thought there couldn't be
anything left in the tank
and then every time I took
a step, I peed a little.
- Yeah, yeah.
This is the splash
zone, right here.
You're fine. You're actually,
look at how fine this mom is
in these hot leather
pants, you guys.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- These aren't leather.
They're pleather.
By the end of this,
I'm absolutely
going to have
a yeast infection.
(audience laughing)
Because it's real
swampy down there.
It doesn't get like, a lot of...
(audience laughing)
- Splash zone.
Look, we deserved a night out.
Did anybody else
deserve a night out?
- Yes! Yes!
(audience cheering)
- This week, my son
found a toothbrush
on the sidewalk
in Los Angeles.
He used it.
You know that's been in a
homeless guy's butt, right?
Like, worst case scenario,
that's where my mom brain goes.
- Yep.
But he brushed his teeth.
He did as you taught him to
and he used the toothbrush.
I think you're doing great.
- Thank you.
See, that's what our mom
friends should do for us,
is lie to us.
- Yes, that's why we
have to stick together.
We have to be there
for each other. Yes!
(audience cheering)
We have to love each other.
We have to support each other
because this is our time.
This is the mom's time.
Yeah! Because
let's be honest,
no matter what we do,
they're going to blame us
for all the shit that goes
wrong in their life anyway.
(audience laughing and cheering)
- Nobody's ever in counseling
30 years from now going,
oh hey, by the way,
my mom has nothing to
do with why I'm here.
- Oh, no.
She's blameless.
She is absolutely blameless.
- And they never blame Daddy.
- Oh no, no, no.
Daddy's the fun one.
Daddy's a good time.
Daddy lets me wear my Tuesday
underpants till Sunday.
(audience laughing)
And Daddy thinks
showers are dumb.
And Daddy can make pizza
magically appear at the door
every single time
Mommy has to work late.
- Mommy's mean.
Mommy's always trying to
prevent traumatic brain injury.
Mommy makes me get
shots so I don't
die an early death
of diptheria.
- Boo!
She's the worst.
They always blame the mother.
- I know I always blamed mine.
- I know, me too.
There's no such thing
as a perfect mom.
I mean, we all know that one.
You know, the one.
She seems to have it
together all the time.
She's really happy.
She's really peppy.
She's a little quirky.
She just likes to bake shit.
(audience laughing)
And then she drops
it off at the school
when it's not her day.
- She washes her hair.
(audience laughing)
She's not screaming at
everybody all the time.
She doesn't have somebody
else's boogers on her face.
Good for her.
- Let me tell you something.
She's bawling in her shower
just like the rest of us.
(audience laughing
and cheering)
And by the way, if you
are one of those moms
who has miraculously
figured it all out,
you need to take a casserole
over to a mom who has not.
(audience cheering)
- And we're both from Nebraska.
Which two of you have heard of.
- Two of you have
you heard of it.
- Everybody in the
state wears red
for the University of
Nebraska Cornhuskers.
And every dude's closet
looks exactly the same.
He's got his Cornhusker
tanks, his Cornhusker Ts
and his Cornhusker polos
for fancy work events.
(audience laughing)
And my husband's from New York
so he does not get this at all.
Like at our wedding,
all of my people
were wearing Cornhusker ties
and all of his people were rude.
(audience laughing)
- We had a Nebraska-Texas
style wedding,
which means I was knocked up.
(audience laughing)
I did it.
The hardest part
was the bouquet
because you go low,
or do you go high?
Or do you go low?
Just go to the...
(audience laughing)
- And now we live
in Los Angeles,
but what we really miss
about Nebraska is the food.
- The food!
- L.A. food sucks you guys.
- Yeah, it's a combination of
kale, air and disappointment.
(audience laughing)
See, when you go to
a party in Nebraska,
you're going to
bring the three Cs.
That is a coozie, a
casserole and a crockpot.
(audience cheering)
And for those of you that
don't know what a coozie is,
I know.
(audience cheering)
It's a personal and
portable beer cooler
that generally
matches your outfit.
- When you walk into
the party, all the food
is going to be beige and
covered in corn flakes.
When you fill your plate,
it should snap in half
under the sheer weight.
Because it's not about
quality, it's about quantity.
Hey Kristin, how many crockpots
did you bring to the party?
- Oh, well, hold
on a second, Jen.
Let me just wheel it on in here.
I made some casseroles and
made a green bean casserole.
- And?
- Potato chicken casserole.
- And?
- A tuna casserole.
- And?
- A tater tot casserole.
- [Jen] And?
- I brought a crockpot
full of pork and beans.
- And?
- And I made some dips.
I've got a corn dip, bean
dip, queso dip, artichoke dip.
(audience laughing)
A seven-layer dip.
- And?
- A veggie tray.
No, I didn't bring
a veggie tray, Jen.
This is a party.
This is a party.
This is a party.
- All right, well let me take
your huge puffer
coat off you there.
- Oh, yeah, let me just
get that off there.
Let me just ... oh, yeah.
- Plug your crockpots in over
there on the power strip.
- Okay, I'll just plug
that power strip here.
I'm just going to
(making buzzing noise).
Oh, no, oh shit.
- Blew a fuse.
- Oh, shit.
- Hey, Brandon, Bryce, Brian,
Brent, Brett, blew a fuse.
- AJ, JB, JC, JE,
JJ, and Skyler,
get your butt down
to the basement.
No funny business.
That means don't show
each other your business.
- Oh, that reminds me.
I've got a dessert chilling
in the deep freeze
in the basement.
- Oh, I bet that's right next
to the venison, I suppose.
(audience laughing)
- And that dessert is
going to be one dessert
made up of three separate
and complete desserts
that could stand alone but
are combined for some reason.
Like my mom has a Butter Finger
Nutter Butter brownie recipe,
and she's a healthcare
- God.
Let's cheers to your mom.
How about this? Let's cheers
to all the moms tonight.
- Here's to all you moms.
- Yes. Yes, cheers to you.
I know we have all kinds
of moms in the house.
I bet we have grandmas and
single moms and step-moms.
Do we have any military
moms here tonight?
(audience cheering
and applauding)
Let's here it for our military.
Let's give a cheers
to our teachers.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
How about our nurses.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
Hey, okay, let's
keep the party going.
How about dads and husbands?
(audience lightly
applauding and murmuring)
- Or as I like to call them,
our designated drivers.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Yeah. Yes.
Wait, no real quick.
Do we have any single
dudes in the house?
Do we have any...
(audience laughing)
- Two of you.
- Jen, travel with me.
We've found a genius.
- Yeah.
You two are good at math.
- Yeah. But you might not
make it out of here alive.
You could light this place
up on all this estrogen.
- I'm going to drop an egg
or get my period any second.
(audience laughing)
- What are you talking about?
By the end of this,
we're all gonna cycle up.
(audience laughing)
Oh, did I get it?
It's early. It's early.
Shit. It's early.
- Boy. That makes
me want to drink up.
- Oh my God.
- My good steakhouse
pour, come on.
- My hand is literally hurting.
It's like shaking.
It's a Jen pour.
You know what this is?
- Hold on, I'll
tell you exactly.
- She'll tell you
the SKU number.
(audience laughing)
This is hope in a glass.
(audience cheering)
- For me, it's hope that
I can go into Target
and just get the
stuff on my damn list.
- Hope that I find
my keys in the door
before I blame my children.
- Hope that I learn how
to use my curling wand
and stop burning the
shit out of my neck.
- Hope that my husband
never feels the need
to give me another tutorial on
how to wrap a computer cord.
- Hope that I'll be acne free
by the time I hit menopause.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Hope that my mom
stops using phrases like
"I was watching the kids
"and I noticed a
couple of red flags."
(audience laughing)
What? I was just telling you.
I was just telling you.
- Hope that my pubic hair
is just growing in blonde.
My lady.
Hope that my
breastfeeding boobs
come back without
the breastfeeding part.
- Yay!
(audience cheering)
- Oh! And hope that we're
just raising decent humans.
- Yes, yes. Alright.
- Like I tell my kids,
Mommy's going to love you
no matter what kind
of surgeon you become.
(audience laughing)
- And if you become a
chiropractor, that's fine.
- Not in my house.
Look, we realize that women
are under a lot of pressure,
especially moms, which is
why we started #IMomSoHard.
- Right. Not to be confused
with the web series,
My Mom Is So Hard.
(audience laughing)
It's a whole different show.
- Yeah. You want to make sure
you've got Google SafeSearch
turned on if you look
us up on a work device.
But you know what?
I think it's nice that somebody
appreciates moms in that way.
- Okay. I'll drink to that.
This one will drink to anything.
- But does anyone else enjoy
a glass of wine at night?
- Yes.
- All right. I'm not
alone, but I am an adult
so I do have certain guidelines.
Like, I don't start
drinking until 5 p.m.
Greenland Standard time.
And that is red wine
because white wine
you can start a lot earlier
because it's refreshing.
Like especially if it's
a weekend or a holiday
or a teacher in service.
But my nightly poison
is a cheap red wine,
but I limit myself
to half a bottle max.
It is a Costco size bottle.
And sometimes I'll be
doing a craft project
and I lose track and
I have a whole bottle
and sometimes I'll be at
book club and I'll have two,
but I feel like I deserve it
because I found
time to read a book.
- Yes, yes.
That is not a drinking problem.
That is a drinking solution.
- Thank you. I don't know
what my mom did without wine.
She must've done bourbon.
- She had to do something.
- She liked her drinks
hard and straight,
which is how I like my men.
(audience laughing)
That's not true. Just
willing is how I like my men.
But hard and straight
is how my mom
likes to give her advice.
She's one of those, I'll
call her after a long day
and she'll go, "Oh Jenny,
I'd love to tell you
"it gets better,
but life is shitty."
(audience laughing)
- My mom didn't
drink wine either.
My mom has two favorite things.
Margaritas. Thank you.
And wearing T-shirts
that tell you
where she's at in her life.
(audience laughing)
When she was going
through menopause,
she wore a shirt that said,
"They're not hot flashes.
They're power surges."
(audience laughing)
And now when I say things,
I hear her voice
come out of my mouth.
Especially when I say like,
"This is why I can't
have nice things."
(audience laughing)
Or, "God damn it, these
children never listen to me."
Or, "Just leave Mommy
alone to watch her show
"because this is all I have."
(audience laughing)
"Now move. Move! Move!"
(audience laughing)
Calm down Terry.
Who am I to get between you,
Bobby Ewing and
Remington Steele.
- Do you guys remember
Simon and Simon?
- Yes.
- My mom wanted a Simon
and Simon sandwich.
And I don't blame her.
While she was watching them,
I was in the other room
very aggressively adjusting
my inseam to Bo Duke.
(audience laughing)
- I liked Bo Duke.
And Luke Duke.
And sometimes Daisy
made me feel weird.
(audience laughing)
But do you want to know
who my first crush was?
Like my first real crush?
And you know your
first real crush
because you can feel your
heartbeat here and here.
It's like (making
pulsing sounds).
I can see you turning
away in shame.
(audience laughing)
Don't turn away in shame.
Join me in the car
pool of openness.
Listen, we're in
the car pool lane.
We're sharing, we're
getting to know each other.
Maybe you feel shame because
we had a crush on the same guy
at the same time, who knows.
My crush was very famous.
It's possible.
His name: William Zabka.
You don't know who that is?
"Sweep the leg, Johnny"
from "Karate Kid."
(audience laughing and cheering)
Oh my God. Yes, yes.
He's still so hot.
I wrote him a letter
in third grade
and I told him if he
picked me up for school
in his Corvette, I'd
be his girlfriend.
(audience laughing)
- Kristin, nobody likes him.
Everybody liked Ralph Macchio.
- No, no, no!
He's just a misunderstood
member of the Cobra Kai.
- I get that.
I thank God all the time
for unanswered prayers.
Otherwise, I would be
married to C.C. DeVille
of the band "Poison" right now.
(audience cheering)
- Jen, that looks like you.
(audience laughing)
Is that your senior picture?
- Look at that five
o'clock shadow?
It looks like you.
- Shut up.
- He's a beautiful poet.
You don't understand him.
- "Talk dirty to me."
- That's the language
of my people.
- Well, we just have very
different tastes in guys.
- Yeah, because
you like bad boys.
- And you like guys with
the long hair and eyeliner.
- Which is why we both love--
- Love--
- Khal Drogo.
- Khal Drogo
Put up a huge picture of him.
Look there.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Oh, boy.
- Oh.
- What are you doing?
(audience cheering
and applauding)
Okay, okay, okay.
- Get underneath
there, like behind it.
- I feel like that's not how...
I would climb that
like a jungle gym.
(audience cheering)
Every time I look
at pictures of him,
my Fitbit asks
me, are you dying?
(audience laughing)
- Just to be totally clear,
there is not one part of me
that would actually
have sex with him.
- There is one part
of me that would.
(audience laughing)
- For one, it
would ruin my life.
And for two, it would ruin
all future expectations
I ever had for sex,
ever, ever, ever again.
But I would totally watch
him with somebody else.
(audience laughing)
- Is that gross?
- No. This is a safe space.
(audience laughing)
- Hear me out.
I sort of feel like,
it's like how you get
stuck online
watching one of those cake
decorating videos, you know.
And you're like, oh, wow,
I don't have the skill
or the equipment
to pull that off.
(audience laughing)
But I could watch somebody else
doing a good job of it
for hours and hours.
- That's funny, that's funny.
That is smart.
That is very, very smart.
But let's be honest.
I don't have time for fantasies.
I could be in the middle of
the most excellent fantasy
with that guy and all
of a sudden I stop
and think to myself, shit,
did I drop off that permission
slip to my kids' school?
(audience laughing)
- No.
- And you know I didn't.
You know it's in the
bottom of my mom bag.
It's covered in Cheetos.
- Yep. You blotted
your lipstick on it.
- Yep, you know I gave
the school a receipt
and I kept the permission slip
because that's how
things are going for me.
- Yeah. It's wet.
- It's wet.
I don't know why everything
in the bottom of my mom bag
is wet all the time,
but it's always wet.
Is anybody else's mom bag a
total disaster most of the time?
- Yes. Yes.
- Thank you. Thank you.
I'm going to come down
and look in your bag
because I need to feel normal.
- Yes. And I'm gonna
stand right here
and ask her to bring your mom
bag to me because I'm lazy.
- So hey, you're giving
me two bags right away.
- Just bring it on up here.
Let me see what kind
of bag, oh, nice.
- Hi, these are nice bags.
You guys are, what
the hell is this?
Is this a cool?
- That one is no
joke, that's heavy.
That's a heavy bag.
Jeez Louise.
- Let me get that,
let me get that.
- Somebody's got like a
car in here or something.
- This is real cool. I'm
just going to see if anybody
has anything that I want here.
I'm going to have that.
I'm going to have that.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- This woman, she just
handed me a Louis Vuitton.
Somebody gives blow jobs.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Somebody does not.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Oh, oh.
Excuse me, someone
does butt stuff.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
Wow. Look at this.
- [Kristin] Holy shit.
- You're a renaissance
woman, aren't you?
- [Kristin] Oh my God.
- Wow.
- Oh my God.
You guys, so she's
like, you know why
she has to wear Chicago
Bears sweatband?
Because this bag
weighs like 400 pounds.
(audience laughing and cheering)
- This woman has got white
wine spilled all over this,
but don't worry.
I've got refreshing wipes.
- [Kristin] Don't you worry.
- See, it's a cleaner up bag.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Oh, yep. I had
something on my,
did you get the front
of your sweater?
Because the front
of yours was, oh.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Here. You're going to want
to rinse that out, Kristin,
with some of Pinot Grigio.
(audience laughing)
- Wine in a can,
it never feels right.
- No. Oh boy.
Hold on everybody, hold on.
We've got a super plus, a
super plus, a super plus,
a super plus, a liner,
a liner, a liner.
Are you okay?
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Keep one of those,
keep one of those.
Day three for me.
- Okay, okay.
Kristin, this bag
makes me so happy.
Number one, it's a backpack
and it's got fringe on it.
- Oh, I know who this is.
- [Jen] Yeah.
- Do you know who this is?
This is pot mom.
- [Jen] Yeah.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, do you know what
problems pot mom has? None.
(audience laughing)
- Are you high because
they have an entire dinner
that you could eat
if you wanted to.
Like there's some
potatoes in here.
There's like smashed potatoes.
There's some mushrooms.
There's mac and cheese.
That's good.
- What the hell?
Oh God.
I don't want to seem rude,
but I feel like if you
have this problem seeing,
if you actually clean them,
it would be better
for you in general.
(audience laughing)
It literally looks like all
of you are ghosts right now.
They're not readers.
You are not reading.
No, you're not.
You probably think
you have a problem.
I have your pad.
Hey, I just cleaned.
Now look, don't be embarrassed.
This is my friend.
This is the kind I use too.
You know what I
call these these?
This is called a
day three-er, okay.
(audience laughing)
- [Jen] Me too.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- At this point, you don't give
a fuck what anybody thinks.
You're just trying to
protect the upholstery.
- Yeah.
- It's like, thanks
Trader Joe's guy.
Keep your opinion to yourself.
Let's give a big round of
applause for the ladies
who let us look in their bags.
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- Oh, this one, thank you.
I use like a bag from
the 99 cent store.
- Let me get this bag.
- That one's heavy.
Oh, come on!
- Ugh! You need
to watch your back
because that's going to
blow a disc straight up.
- I know, I'm worried.
And that one, you
better get organized.
- You're metaphorically
carrying around a lot of baggage
and you got to let
go of some stuff.
- You got to Marie Kondo
that shit. That's a...
- Oh, man. We go
through a lot of bags
and every time
I find a tampon,
I can't help but
think of my dad.
Quick story.
When I was growing up, I was
really close with my dad.
He was my best friend and
I could ask him anything.
And then I went through puberty
and I started my period.
So I went to my dad.
And I said, "Hey Dad,
how far up
"do you have to
push a tampon...
(audience laughing)
...so it doesn't fall
out when you walk?"
(audience laughing)
And in that moment, he looked
like he was breaking in half
and smelling something
bad at the exact same.
"Oh, oh. Oh.
"Hold on, I'm not ready.
"Hold on, I'm not
ready, I'm not ready.
"I'm not ready, oh my God.
"Blood is so gross.
"So God, ugh.
"I think you've got to talk
to your mother about this
"because I don't know
anything about your uterus.
I just, I don't know about it."
- Okay, here's what I
don't get about that.
As long as we're a nation that's
okay with chrome testicles
hanging off the back of trucks
(audience laughing)
can we please be okay
talking about periods?
(audience cheering)
In my opinion, periods
are proof positive
that women are the
stronger gender, you guys.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
As a species, we should not
have survived this long.
Like, think of what a cave
woman had to deal with.
Like Kristin, will you be a
cave woman on her raging period?
(audience laughing)
It feels like your wheel house.
(audience laughing)
- Okay. You want me to be a
cave woman on a raging period?
- Yeah. And I'll
be like a BBC guy.
- Okay.
- Like a demonstration.
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
- A cave woman prowls the
Serengeti foraging for food.
She carries in tow her three
young savage offspring.
They refuse to eat the berries
they were perfectly fine
eating just yesterday.
(audience laughing)
A pride of saber-toothed
tigers stalks her.
Her menses like a beacon.
Bear, sharks,
predators of all kinds,
they relentlessly pursue her.
She must fight them
away while protecting
her unappreciative young.
She must run from them.
She must do the running man.
(audience laughing)
She must do the Roger Rabbit.
Yet somehow she survives!
(audience cheering
and applauding)
She survives!
And a dude wouldn't
survive a day
at an auto show on
his period, like,
they would have to set up
triage tents everywhere
or they would all die
from toxic shock syndrome.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- We should celebrate periods.
When you open a box of tampons,
a high five should fly out.
Tampons should be
like fortune cookies.
You open them, there's a
positive message inside.
Hang in there, girl,
this won't kill you.
Don't divorce him,
you're just hormonal.
- Or, hey, at least
you're not pregnant.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Now listen, I do have
to give my husband credit
because he is bought me
almost every box of tampons
I've needed for like
the last eight years.
That's pretty awesome, right?
Hold on, I'm going to
throw him under the bus.
(audience laughing)
Last week he bought
a multi-pack.
A multi-pack.
Half of those tampons are
for a 16-year-old's vagina.
(audience laughing)
They're cute.
They're sporty.
They're covered in pink paper.
There's a soccer
ball on the side.
(audience laughing)
You open them and glitter
and butterflies fly out.
(audience laughing)
What am I supposed
to do with that?
Do I have a paper cut?
(audience laughing)
That looks like
the end of a Q-tip.
(audience laughing)
How am I supposed
to keep that in?
I don't have the core strength.
(audience laughing)
Hey, tampon makers, how about
you make a multi-pack for moms?
(audience cheering)
Start with super,
then super plus,
then super fucking ridiculous.
(audience laughing)
- Before I had kids,
my period was adorable.
My visitor would like, magically
appear with an umbrella
like Mary Poppins and
then three days later,
disappear again.
And now my visitor's
this real angry dude.
I did something to
piss him off and like,
he just got out of
jail or something.
(audience laughing)
- His name's Trevor
(in manly voice).
Bam, bam, bam.
What's up?
- What are you
doing here, Trevor?
You were just here.
You were literally just here.
It doesn't even make
sense you're back so soon.
- Hey Jen.
Where do you think
you're going in those
sweet white pants?
(audience laughing)
- To a baby shower with
everybody from work.
- I heard you're going
to a waterpark tomorrow.
(audience laughing)
I think we should meet
at the top of the slide.
And go down tandem.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Trevor.
It's my wedding
anniversary weekend away.
- Sweet. I'll make
us a reservation for
a couple's massage.
- All right!
Knock it off, Trevor.
I haven't worn light colored
underwear in like 10 years.
- Well, don't worry
about it, Jen.
I won't be stopping by
regularly much longer.
- Hey, that's not what I mean.
I still want you to visit,
I'm still very young.
Let's talk about how young I am.
- Nope. From here on out,
I'm going to send over
my Uncle Perry.
(audience laughing)
- Who's Uncle Perry?
- Perimenopausal.
He's Italian.
(audience laughing)
He's real hot cold.
We'll see how you like him.
He wears a visor,
fanny pack, Tevas with socks.
He has a real dry
sense of humor.
(audience laughing)
- Well, he dresses
exactly like Kristin does.
- Shut up, shut up.
I got to go Jen.
I got to go, I got to go.
Enjoy your new beard.
(audience laughing)
- It's just one hair.
But speaking of beards,
say hi to Kristin for me,
Uncle Perry.
- Hey, I am not menopausal.
I'm just Czechoslovakian.
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
I was born hairy.
- She could legit change
her name to President Bush.
- Hey, I like the
way president sounds.
Maybe I'll invite all of
you into my Oval Office.
(audience laughing)
That's so gross.
But in my 20s, this
would have looked like
an episode of West Wing.
People just coming in and out.
(audience laughing)
Now, that's gross.
But not untrue because
I did my 20s right.
(audience laughing)
- I also entertained
many foreign dignitaries
in my rose garden.
- Are foreign dignitaries and
bartenders the same thing?
- I made some mistakes,
but didn't we all?
- Yes, yes.
- Then we met our husbands
and now everything's great.
(audience laughing)
- Yup.
(audience laughing)
We got married.
- Good times.
- It's so much more fun now.
I knew my husband was perfect
for me the day we met.
We were laying in bed
(audience laughing)
and I looked into
his eyes and I said,
"Oh my gosh, this
is the first time
I've ever dated anyone
with facial hair."
And he looked back into
my eyes and said, "Me too."
(audience laughing)
- They say the wrong thing.
- They say dumb things.
- I remember when my husband
and I were first dating,
I felt this immediate
connection to him
and I worked up the
courage and I asked him,
"Hey, do you think
we're in love?"
And he goes, "Oh, I thought
you were going to ask
if you could
give me a hand job."
(audience laughing)
Who asks if they can
give someone a hand job?
- They would never say no.
- They would never say no.
You could be in the middle
of the grocery store
and they're like, this
seems like a perfect time.
Just walk in front of it,
just walk in front of it.
Just touch it and don't
waste it, it's out.
Don't waste it, it's here.
Just walk in front of it,
just walk in front of it.
- What did I find right
here? What's this?
- Oh, it's out.
- The kids are
brushing their teeth.
Just touch it for
just two seconds.
- Two seconds.
- Just touch it.
- Just two seconds.
It's never two seconds.
It's 11 minutes
and carpal tunnel.
(audience laughing and cheering)
You guys rethinking
some stuff over here?
(audience laughing)
Oh man.
- Different in the beginning.
- Yes. Because in the beginning
it's all about like
humping and appetizers.
- So fun.
- You overlook their flaws
and then you get married
and then you have kids, and
their flaws come rushing back.
- So many.
- I will tell you, this helps.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
My husband has a 30% greater
chance of getting some action
if I drink this.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- That's because wine
lowers your standards.
(audience laughing)
This is why I always
think I'm doing great.
- Yes, by the look
of this audience,
there's going to be some happy
husbands tonight, I feel.
We might even get
some thank you emails.
I don't know what you did to
my wife, but it was great.
- Look, I don't
think anybody wants
to talk about married sex.
- It'll be a real
short conversation.
- Look, it'll be an
efficient conversation
and it has to be.
Like what with
kids and schedules
and all the online shopping
you're trying to
get done at night.
And even if you're
not buying anything,
you still put it
in your Amazon cart
so you remember it for later,
and then you get into bed
and you're like, something
smells like poop.
(audience laughing)
Is it me?
It's not them, it's just life.
- Sometimes it's them.
My husband has the
world's worst timing.
I could have a wad of
Desitin on my finger,
I've got a sick kid over here,
I'm on the phone to
the pediatrician,
and he'll walk by and
wipe his boner on me.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, Doctor Man, can
you please repeat that?
(audience laughing)
What am I? A Swiss Army knife?
You want me to do that too?
- Well, yes, because women
are so good at multi-tasking.
However, I can't have a
conversation with my husband
while he microwaves chili.
- He's like, hey, can I just--
- Whoa, ah! Ugh!
Kristin, will you not talk
about your husband's boner
because I see him all the time
and I don't want the visual.
- Let me give you a visual.
When my husband and I
finally do decide to do it,
we rip off our clothes
and we race to the bed
as fast as we can just to see
who does not have to be on top.
(audience laughing)
No, no, I was here.
No, I was here.
No, my back hurts.
My back hurts.
No, no, no kissing,
my breath is bad.
No kissing. Fine.
I'm into it, I'm into it.
- Look, I'll do it, I
just don't want to do it.
Like, I don't want to show off.
We're married.
I don't want to reverse cowboy.
I was at the book fair at
school for four hours today.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I think us
women, especially us moms,
I think we get a
bad rap about sex
because sometimes it's
just hard to feel sexy,
especially after
you've had a baby.
Because there are things
that happen to your body
that nobody tells you about.
- Everybody fails to mention
that you're going to get
male pattern baldness.
Mine grew back in white.
- She looks like a wizard.
- And then you breastfeed
a couple of kids
and your nipples start
to look like barnacles.
Like you would pay some dude
to scrape them off your boat
so you didn't have
to deal with it.
(audience laughing)
And then my C-section scar's
this real unhappy guy.
He's frowning to one side
like a disgruntled employee.
Like, hmm, this isn't
what I signed up for.
- Well, if your C-section
scar looks like it's frowning,
my vagina looks like that
famous painting, The Scream.
(audience laughing)
But the part that
takes the biggest hit
and it's the hardest to
explain is the stomach.
- Oh yeah.
And it does not matter
what size you are--
- Nope.
- Or started out as--
- Nope.
- They all do the same thing.
And that's this.
(makes farting noise)
- It's like a
bagel that gave up.
- Mine's sort of like a zip
lock bag full of wet oatmeal.
Just like...
- Yeah. Yeah, it's like that
but that's not exactly right.
It's hard to find the
words because it's like,
it's high, but it's low.
- Yeah.
- It's wide, but it's narrow.
- It's creepy but saggy.
- Sad. It's kind of dead.
- Dead.
- But alive.
It's hard to explain it.
- It's probably easier if
we just show it to you.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Uh oh.
- Uh oh.
Is that a T-Rex?
- There's a T-Rex coming.
- Is that, are we
in Jurassic Park?
- It's sort of
like I had a baby,
but the baby forgot it's
windbreaker in there.
(audience laughing and cheering)
- I really enjoy mine
now because my sides
match the front.
So it's not really a midsection.
It's more of a mid sectional.
(audience laughing)
I get two delightful
options with mine.
I can either hike my
pants up really high
and then I get a
sweet camel toe.
This is where I like to
focus all of my fitness.
So I get that option.
Or, you're still laughing
because it's still there,
isn't it?
It's got a mind of
its own you guys.
That, or I can let
it ride, you know,
in a more comfortable situation.
But the, it's on top of my legs.
Hey Jenny, I got us a
table at happy hour.
Come on, let's get
some cheese curds.
- Oh, okay. All right.
You know I love snacks.
- I love snacks. Woo!
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- My lucky husband also
has two delightful options.
Yeah, he can visit my
downstairs or my upper vagina.
(audience laughing)
Just doing my Kegels.
(audience laughing)
Or if he's feeling real kinky,
he can visit my
old man butt hole.
(laughing loudly)
Are you talking to me?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm
talking to you.
I noticed you from
across the room.
(audience laughing)
- How could you not?
- If I saw you on Tinder,
I would swipe right.
- I find you attractive
in a realistic
standards of beauty kind of way.
- Hey, thanks for
saying that because
I've really been feeling the
pressure of social media.
Be nice to yourself.
- You be nice to yourself.
- No, you get in here
and tummy hug me.
- You want some of this?
- I want some of that.
(audience laughing and cheering)
- Oh, that feels nice.
Serious question.
How many boners out there?
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Are you having a good time?
(audience laughing
and applauding)
This is our favorite
part of the show
because you guys ask us
questions and we answer them.
And let me just tell you,
you guys are living
your best lives.
Some of you are very active.
- Yeah.
- You're active with your
partners and we're proud of you
and we are not you.
- Yep. We're ashamed of us.
- Alison. This might be
my favorite card ever
because you're awesome.
So Alison from Brookfield.
(audience cheering)
Alison, there's so
much truth to this.
She goes, "Can you
be sure to make sure
"this show lasts until
my husband is asleep?"
(audience laughing and cheering)
- [Audience Member]
We love you Alison!
- Yeah, listen.
- Yes.
- There's more.
Why do you guys take
an hour to take a shit?
Hey guys, it really only
takes them eight minutes.
They're hiding the
rest of the time.
- [Jen] Yeah.
- Because whenever they
have to take a shit
is when it's the busiest
time of day for us.
- Yes.
- Like if I'm--
- Walking out the
door to school.
- Hey, hey, can I just, I
just need to get by you.
I know you're working
with three kids right now.
I just need to get, I don't
want to get a tummy ache.
- Oh, sorry.
- I don't want to
get a tummy ache.
- Oh, I'm looking for shoes.
You could make lunches.
- No, no, nope. I got to go Jen.
I got to get in there.
I got to like everybody's
Facebook posts.
- And everybody's
coat is missing.
- No, I can't help
you right now.
I got to, my tummy,
my tummy ache.
- We're already
eight minutes late.
- I got to poo poo.
I got to poo poo.
I'm just going to shut the
door for the next 57 minutes.
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
- You know how us moms go poop?
We go, oh God, oh God, oh God.
(audience applauding)
- I don't have time to
wipe, but I sort of,
my theory is that it
would take about an hour
to poop out what smells
like a dead body.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah.
- I don't know what--
- What are they eating?
- Wings? Just hot
wings? I don't know.
- Yeah, and then my
husband sometimes
flips on the heater
instead of the fan
and I think he
does it on purpose.
(audience laughing)
- That just bakes
it into the walls.
- All right.
Tori, she says, "I need
some advice, dot, dot, dot.
"My two and a half
year old is a monster.
(audience laughing)
"90% of the time he
screams, he hits
"and only wants to drink
milk and eat snacks.
What can I do?"
Tori, I hate to tell you this.
He's just preparing
for the threes.
- Yeah. Developmentally,
he's exactly on track.
- [Kristin] He's on track.
- Unfortunately,
your pediatrician
leaves all of that
off the charts.
- Yeah. Here's what
you're going to see
and probably ask yourself.
Is my son a sociopath?
(audience laughing)
And the answer is maybe.
- I think the answer is
probably around age three
they start acting
like Ted Bundy.
- It's true.
I know that doesn't
sound encouraging,
but they're just trying to
figure out how to off you
because you get in
the way of their fun.
- Fun, yeah.
And they know like what you
care about and what you like
and they can really
fuck with your head.
- Yes. But by that time, a
new birthday comes around,
which is the fours, which
is a delightful time
because they have so many words
and all of them mean fuck off.
- Yeah.
- And they're big
so that means--
- They're big and they're
fast and they're strong.
- If they're having like a
temper tantrum at Target,
there's nothing you can do.
- There's nothing.
You can move around
some displays.
You can say, I don't
know why this small man
is having a tantrum.
And you just have
to see it through.
You have to look at them and
go, I am choosing to love you.
(audience laughing)
I am choosing love.
- I am choosing to
call security on you
and act like you belong
to somebody else.
- I'll call security
so fast it'll be like,
is this person bothering you?
I'm like, yes, as a
matter of fact, they are.
- They've been following me
around the whole entire store
just putting dumb
shit in my cart.
- Yeah. I've caught
him stealing,
so if you could put
him in your office
until I'm done shopping,
that works out great.
- Be able to finish my coffee.
- See, but the good news
is, after the fours,
after they've learned
how to tell you,
you know yourself many
times, they turn five,
which means kindergarten,
which means they're
somebody else's problem.
(audience applauding
and cheering)
So hang in there.
It's only going to get worse
and then it gets
a tiny bit better.
- Yeah.
- How often do you
lie to your kids?
I actually try very hard
not to lie to my kids.
But, you know.
- Yeah, it's hard to
remember what you told them.
This one has no problem
lying to her husband.
- Yeah, I'll lie to my husband.
I won't lie to my kids, but
I will lie to my husband.
- But it's not an innocent like,
oh, I spent too
much at Marshalls.
It's like a big old lie.
- I'm going to kill you.
- She told her husband that she
has a medically small mouth.
(audience laughing)
And she has a note
from her dentist.
- It's not a lie.
I went to my dentist
and he was like,
hey, you have a
really small mouth.
And I said, can you
put that in a note?
(audience laughing)
- Then she had it laminated,
had it hanging up on the wall.
- Had it laminated. Framed.
My husband comes in, he's like,
hey babe, do you want to?
It's my birthday.
And I'm like, God
yes, I want to so bad.
(audience laughing)
It's so fun.
I get so much out of it.
But I can't because
I have a note.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Don't go to your
dentist tomorrow.
- Yeah, it'll look suspicious.
- We have one more video for
you, so don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
I have to wear Spanx
because we're friends.
Every time I come over here,
there's something
beige and delicious.
- Speaking of beige
and delicious, boom.
- See, you can have all this
and still eat casserole.
- All you got to do
is wear three Spanx.
- Did you know that these have
like a thing in the crotch
that you're suppose to.
- I'm trying not to look.
- There's a hole there.
- What did I just say?
- You're supposed to
like, pee out of there
but like, it would look like
a broken sprinkler head.
- What is this?
- It's like medieval.
- If you took that off and
that thing hit your hoo haw,
you would be...
- Look at how much she's
touching my vagina you guys.
If this son of a gun snapped,
it could take off a labia.
One size fits all, really?
Because some girls wear this
as a dress at the night club
like hey, hey girl, hey.
- That is no joke,
that is serious.
- What size is this?
- Whatever, it doesn't matter.
- Are you sucking in?
- I'm sucking in
as hard as I can.
- Kristin, I'm trying to
put it on the tightest one.
- Okay.
- Can you please
put your foot up
so everyone can see that
you have sneakers on?
(audience laughing)
- I am physically sweating.
I don't care anymore.
- Let me see.
I'm seriously so hot right now.
It's not even funny.
- I don't feel very good.
Ugh, it's like my
organs and my uterus
are like trying to escape
down the, out of the hole.
- Wait, did you, did you--
- It's supposed to
make my body look like
it has an hourglass figure,
but it's like an
hour and a half.
(jazz music)
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Oh, you know what,
it looked so good.
- Did it look great?
- It looked really good.
- All right.
- You did like two full ones.
- You can do it, I can't do it.
- It was really good.
- So good.
- Let's just...
Because it's like--
- I know what you mean.
- We're tired.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Thank you!
(upbeat music)