In Love with Alma Cogan (2012) Movie Script
Dentist. Sandra? Could you come in
for a moment, please? I just wanted to check
where the windows in my schedule were today. - Windows?
- And? With the exception
of the wrinklies-- - Sandra.
- Senior-citizens. Your day is a huge vista
of wraparound glass. Oh, right! Hang on, though,
and this is exciting. - Two o'clock, Gorgeous George.
- No, you canceled him. He canceled the cancellation. No, I'm too busy,
the wrinklies-- You didn't put
the dentist off. - I like my dentist.
- Why don't you like George? He's got a degree in
arts administration, which is on a par with media
studies and dog walking. - [ music playing ]
- What are they doing in there? Rehearsing a new number for
the Best of Broadway routine. Well they shouldn't be,
we can't afford it. Nice to see you
in such a good mood. Together where we belong How can you say
that this is wrong I will lay the whole
world at your feet I will make you
glad that you're a man Together we'll rule as one Under the warm Egyptian sun Together, our life's begun Under the warm The warm Egyptian sun Lovely, dears. Perhaps a little more
heartfelt in the last chorus? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay. Boys, I know it's early, but don't you feel the backing
is a bit, how shall we say? Undercharged? A bit like
we don't really care? But we don't really
care, the song is drivel. The song, Larry, you
cynical oaf, is not drivel. It happens to be first
act closer of Cleopatra, which happens to be
the hottest ticket on the Great White Way. Does the audience bother
coming back for act two? Oh, for God's sake. Julian, can I have a word? All right,
darlings, take five. Take 15! The season finishes
this week. Why are we rehearsing
new songs? Well, the kids are fed up
with Rogers and Hammerstein. I suspect the audience is, too. Some of them come back
three or four times, and The Farmer and the Cowman
with four girls, two boys and a comedy magician
is short changing them. All very noble,
but the overtime? - The kids won't charge any.
- Well, the band will. Well, if it's that desperate,
I'll pay the band myself! Don't worry, I'll raid
the pensioner's lunch club. Good afternoon,
Mr. Grey. - Hi, how are ya,
how's the family?
- Fine, thank you. Good, good. All right, girls?
Behaving yourselves? That makes a change. Hi, Norman! Come and take the weight
off your feet, Norman. Norman:
No thanks, Mrs. Craske. Just checking that you're
being looked after. Oh, of course. We might as well move in here! Do you know, we've seen
the show three times, and we're coming
again on Saturday. - Not bored with it, then?
- No fear. It's a treat, every time. Not too much Rogers
and Hammerstein? Hey, you can never have too
much Rogers and Hammerstein. Mrs. Craske:
He's right. So you wouldn't
want anything new? - Modern musicals, poppy stuff?
- Oh, I didn't say that. You've gotta keep up
with the times, I say. You're never too old,
eh, girls? [ women laugh ] Shall we? You'll need another drink,
if you're meeting young George, from the council. Cedric, can you explain to
me how it is that every bugger in this town seems to know
what I'm doing before I do? Because you're
a public figure, Norman. And there's not a lot
else to talk about. Mind you, if there was
anything else to talk about, I doubt you'd get
a second thought. Cheers. Changes There have to be changes Changes Nothing stays the same Is it something you
can't share anymore Or a feeling you
don't dare anymore If you really just don't
care anymore, let it go It needn't be your fault You shouldn't take
the blame Changes Changes There have to be changes Changes Nothing stays the same. Where have you been?
George is here. Have you been drinking? What a ridiculous suggestion. Sorry to keep you, George. Affairs of state. What are you gonna do with
that thing, film me, tape me, or fumigate the office? I finally managed to
decipher the returns for the last three years. Your box office staff have no
idea how to use a computer. How on earth do you keep
track of year on statistics? All up here,
George, all up here. That's not protocol, Norman,
you can't be held accountable if the correct systems
aren't in place. The girls in the box office-- Now know how to prepare
a proper spreadsheet. - Hoorah, so I won't have to.
- On the contrary-- Look, I can work my mobile
phone, I can program the video, I can operate my washing
machine, that's quite enough technical achievement
for a man of my age. That's something else
we need to talk about. - What, my washing machine?
- Your age. Oh, putting me out
to grass, are ya? No, I mean... No, but if you can't,
or won't embrace the 21st century,
the council are under no obligation to continue
supporting you indefinitely. I rather assumed it was
the theater, and the people who enjoy using it that
the council was supporting. You know, those
pesky ratepayers? - Oh, yes, of course.
- I'm just the manager. Although, of course, if
it would be nice to think that after 43 years
of loyal service-- You're deliberately
misunderstanding me. I understand you
only too well. Please take a look
at these figures. Perhaps then you'll understand
why there are certain factions in the council
who are gravely concerned. George, we should all
be gravely concerned about global warming,
international terrorism, third world starvation, but grave concern about
the Pavilion Theater? Let's keep this in
perspective, shall we? As you wish. Goodbye, Norman. Sandra. You have been drinking. I had a couple of beers,
it's not against the law. Anyway, you shouldn't
have been listening. You were broadcasting
to the nation. What was all that toffee
about global warming? I was making a simple,
rational point. And I shall do the same. I'm taking the rest
of the day off. We've run out of tea bags
and there's a message to call your chiropodist. When you don't know
wrong from right anymore And you can't tell
day from night anymore If there's something
you can't fight anymore Let it go It's really not your fault Though it seems a shame Changes Changes. Press the button. Well, it's probably
that one, isn't it? Oh, no, that's not it. Oh, God, look. No, you do it, you try
it, how many is there? On the 2:30 show, how
many have we got left? Press that. Oh, no, God's sake. Oi! What are you doing with my bag? Give it back. Changes Nothing stays the same Maybe you don't
want to take anymore It's behavior you
can't fake anymore Those decisions you
can't make anymore Let it go It's someone else's fault Someone else's game Changes Changes There have to be changes Changes Nothing stays the same Changes There have to be changes Changes Nothing stays the same. - Need a drink, then?
- I do. But I'll have a coffee. How was the meeting, then? Apparently, I'm senile
and computer illiterate. Oh, he's a perceptive chap. Well, that does
that make you, then? I admit my age and
I can work a computer. It's all right for you,
you've got nothing else to do. Oh, hoity toity! You won't have anything else
to do, if they get rid of ya. No, it's, it's just gossip. What's gossip? You know, about these
commercial producers coming in to run
the theater. Oh that, no, Laura
wouldn't allow it. Hey, never trust an
attractive menopausal woman. - You old chauvinist.
- I'm proud of it. You watch yourself,
because I reckon that she and young Comerford
are plotting something. Cedric, you could
spin a conspiracy theory out of a church picnic. Laura's a chum. And, to be fair, George
is only doing his job. You're getting more and
more like your father. He couldn't bear to think
the worst of anybody. Fat lot of good it did him. Well done!
Good initiative! How did you persuade Mr. Whipit? I simply explained that an
organic fair trade operation was benefiting customer choice. They were happy with that? - Perfectly.
- Good! No more ice cream wars, then. I hardly think-- When Fresh Farm Ices tried
to muscle in on Mr. Whipit's patch, they ended up with
their tires slashed, the van sprayed with slurry and a
dead seagull in the freezer. Then there was the
healthy smoothie incident. Still, I'm sure you've
got it all under control. Now, was there anything else? Yes. The theater. We have a problem. Strictly speaking, of course,
you have a problem. What's happened? Well, that's the problem,
nothing's happened. Rome wasn't built in a day. Rome... Never mind. Presumably you haven't
raised the question - of an outside producer, then?
- I've tried! But it's useless
talking to the man. He doesn't understand the
principles of good governance. Well, they sold out
again this summer. That's pretty good governance. He refuses to accept that,
despite selling out, the theater is in trouble. He won't even learn
how to use a computer. Says "it's all up here." Well, it probably is! Doesn't want to be bothered
with computers at his age. - Exactly.
- What? His age. If he won't comply with
standard accounting procedures, perhaps it's time to find
someone who will. I'm not having you shove
Norman out before he's ready. You can't have it
both ways, Laura. Do you want to bring
in a commercial producer,
or don't you? Well, that's what the
council intends to do. But we have to tread carefully. Why? Why is everyone so keen
to protect poor Norman? Because he's one of the
good guys, so was his father, and I dare say his
grandfather, too. Look, maybe you can find a
way to ease this in gradually. Have a think about the winter. The place hardly functions then. Now, I must fly. It's time for me to bring
some good governance to the wheelie bin deficit. [ audience laughs ] So, he says, "I've just
run over this rabbit." He says, "That's not a
rabbit, that's a hare!" Takes an aerosol can out
of his bag and he sprays it all over the hare,
and it jumps straight up. And runs down the road,
turns round and waves to them. Runs a bit more,
turns round and waves. Runs a bit further,
again it waves. The driver says, "Well, it's
a good job you're a vet." He says, "I'm not a vet,
I'm a hairdresser." He says, "What's that
you sprayed it with?" He said, "Oh, that was
a hair revitalizer, "with a permanent wave!"
[ audience laughs ] [ audience applauds ] All right. Larry, take it away! [ upbeat music ] [ audience applauds ] And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we come to the moment that we've all been dreading. This, the very last
spectacular of the season, must end. I'd like to arrange a meeting,
at your earliest convenience. Splendid idea. All those involved
in making this the most successful
show to date! - Are you coming to the party?
- [ applause and cheers ] Our wonderful backstage staff! Party? Larry and his
scintillating band! Cast and crew. Come and meet everyone,
let your hair down. The boys and girls
of the ensemble who worked so hard
and so cheerfully. [ applause, cheers ] Thank you, but I don't really
think that's appropriate. - Shh!
- Our star guest-- It doesn't have to be
appropriate, it's a party. - I'm inviting ya.
- And of course, me. [ laughter ] Yes, well, perhaps
for a short time. I'm only joking, but
don't let's forget the man who makes it all possible. Ladies and gentlemen, your very special
theater manager, - Norman!
- [ cheers, applause ] Come on up, Norman! Take a bow! Don't be shy. So, finally, ladies
and gentlemen, from all of us to all of you, our lovely audience,
thanks a million - and see you all next year!
- [ applause ] And remember, folks,
we don't do it for us. Audience: We do it for you. - [ upbeat music ]
- [ applause ] We love entertaining We're proud of the show But we're not complaining It's time to go The end of the season Last night at the pier But what is the reason Why we are here We do it for you That's the whole idea We do it for you That's why we persevere We do it for you Please come back next year Truly we're sincere We do it for you That's the whole idea We do it for you That's why we persevere We do it for you Please come back next year Truly we're sincere We do it for you. [ lively rock music ] Mr. Comerford, are
you enjoying yourself? Yes, yes, thanks. You should be dancing. I'm sure the girls
will appreciate it. Oh, no, I mean, no, I don't really do
dancing and things like that. I hope you do some
things like that. Life would be awfully
boring if you didn't. Everybody seems so... Jolly? Jolly! Yes. They're quite normal, you know,
they're just young people having a few drinks
and a good time. Tomorrow they'll be off and
they probably won't work again till Christmas panto,
if they're lucky. So, it's nice that they can
be jolly, don't you think? Yes, I hadn't really
thought about it like that. Is Sandra looking
after you, George? Oh yes, she's been very... I must say,
I am concerned about who's paying for all of this. I don't think
that's really very-- No, he's quite right. These are questions
that need to be asked. Mrs. Craske. - Mrs. Craske?
- Yes. I hung her upside-down
by her bloomers from the end of the
pier and I told her, unless she paid for
tonight's party, we'd never perform any Rogers
and Hammerstein ever again. - Norman--
- That seemed to do the trick. The only reason I
ask is because, well, since you have all
the figures up there, you'll know that income from
the venue has remained static, for the past three years. Which means, of course,
an actual revenue drop
of 8.4%. The income from this theater
has indeed remained static despite the last three
seasons selling out. So have the wages, apart
from mine, but then, of course, you know that I
took a wage cut this year. Laura:
Is this really the time? Which I'm record
as objecting to. It's not good business. If you can't balance the books,
you should put up the price of the tickets or make
internal economies, or-- Or? Nothing. Norman:
Tell me, George,
where do you live? I live over towards-- Towards the rich people,
well, I live here. And I can tell you without
the aid of computer analysis that people in this town
don't have a lot of money. Look at the unemployment
figures, go down to pubs, hang out by the chippies, and
you'll very quickly come to the conclusion that raising
the ticket prices is a no-no. So, onto rescue plan number two. What was it you called
it, "internal economies?" The reason, George, that this
unique institution functions as well as it does is
due to these people. Some of whom have been here
since you were playing naughty games with the other boys in
the shower rooms at Harrow. Damn it, Norman, I went to a
mixed state school, actually! Well, whatever, the point is, I am not prepared to
sacrifice any of my staff in order to make your
department look lean and mean. I lived through the miner's
strike, Mr. Comerford, and you're not employing any
of those tactics on my pier. Bravo! The miner's strike? Have you gone mad? We haven't discussed
option three! Oh, we will. And you need to do some
serious Blue-skies thinking. [ upbeat music ] Blue-skies thinking,
gotta make a decision Be a man with a vision
and you'll never lose Blue-skies thinking, don't
look back, just believe it Take a chance, you'll achieve
it, but you have to choose Chairman:
Next item. Council intends to
explore the possibility of transferring the running
of the Pavilion Theater to commercial management. Blue-skies thinking, don't
be shy, don't be coy now You're a man, not a boy
now, there's a lot to prove Blue-skies thinking,
throw away inhibition Be a man with a mission,
time to make your move Mr. Comerford will
prepare a full report that will be taken
forward for consultation. Blue-skies thinking,
never mind the clich A chance to get
with the player, time
to strut your stuff Blue-skies thinking,
it's today, not tomorrow You can beg, steal or borrow,
if you play it rough That's all very well, George, but time and tide, you know. What? Time and... Listen, you're running
out of the former. Blue-skies thinking,
you may be a beginner If you act like a winner,
then you'll have the lot Blue-skies thinking, you
can drink at the Groucho Have your own casting couch,
oh, what a life you've got [ phone rings ] - Blue Skies Productions.
- Blue Skies Productions? You wanker. More like blue rinse. Now, old chap, let's
examine the situation, hm? You owe me money and
I'm a trifle miffed. You've got one week. Blue-skies thinking, what
a world you're creating No more wanting and
waiting, baby, this is it Blue-skies thinking, no,
you can't have too much You have a real Midas
touch, you only need a hit [ engaged tone ] And don't think of legging it, 'cause anywhere
short of Siberia, and my boys will find you. You know the place, then? You know it can be a bit like
Siberia at this time of year. You can? Great. Yes, see you then. It's as if you were
flying and you'll never stop Blue-skies thinking, yes,
I'm talking to you, sir As a showbiz seducer A dynamic producer
who has reached the top. A shout is what we
call an emergency. Cedric?
Sorry, have you seen Norman? He didn't come into
work yesterday. - Yes, he's upstairs.
- Oh, thanks. And we get about 20 in a year. What are you sulking about? I'm not sulking,
I'm brooding. Sulking, brooding,
what's the difference? George is only
trying to do his job. It's not his fault
that he's-- That he's a self-satisfied
graduate with a laptop? Just 'cause you
didn't go to university. I went to the
university of life. - It's nice, isn't it?
- Nice? She's beautiful. The most advanced boat
of its kind in the world. - Have you been out on it?
- No. You have to stop when you're
55, they won't insure you. - That's age discrimination.
- No, it's good sense. Can you imagine someone like
Cedric let loose on her? Or me? Or you. Your father was a
lifeboatman, wasn't he? He was a coxswain. Evening, Mom.
Is Dad back? I saw the boat go out. Norman, love. Your dad, he's... [ sobs ] A couple of silly,
stupid kids in a dinghy, fancy going out
in this weather. And now he's gone. He saved the kids. Should we go out for lunch? We're supposed to be working. We can call it
a lunch meeting. I do love lunch meetings. They're so
delightfully decadent. I hardly think that this-- Lobster and a nice dry Chablis might have been a
bit more enticing. And hardly justifiable
in these times of financial constraint. No. Now, you've had two months
on this theater business. Any progress? Blue Skies Productions
from London think they may have time
to take on the project. They're coming up tomorrow
to formulate a strategy. I see. Gently, tiger. Have you told Norman yet? Ah, yes. No. I was hoping you-- Do your dirty work for you? Well there's no point in
me trying to talk to him. - But he likes you.
- I'm sure he likes you. It's your... he has
an aversion to. All right, I'll had a word. But you owe me a
proper lunch next time. Coping without you, then? Just wait till they
hit real trouble. Did you ever hit real trouble? Honestly? No. I'd have been more at risk on
the children's boating lake. - Shall I take those?
- Thank you. Sandra, I've known you
all these years, but, tell me, what do you
do, socially, I mean, when you're not at the theater? Friends. Some very amateur life drawing,
and lots of singing. I'm in three choirs and
I'm quite good, actually. And looking after
Mother, of course. Boyfriends? A fiance, a long time ago. He died. Oh, I'm sorry, that's awful. Other boyfriends
over the years. But nothing ever
really worked out. They were probably
frightened off by Mother, or I was frightened off
by them. - Is your mother a monster?
- No, she's very frail. But she's a demanding old bag. I love her. I can't decide whether
I need her more than
she needs me. If things had gone differently,
I'm sure I wouldn't have felt any qualms about bunging
her in a home years ago, but, as it is,
I stayed where I am because I never had the
courage to take flight. I never had the
courage, either. Where would you have flown to? Who with? Oh, no one. Nowhere. Maybe I'll tell you sometime. It's all right, really. Why do you think it doesn't
happen for people like us? Taking flight. Maybe it just wasn't
supposed to happen. It's not a wasted
life, you know. Look around you. Lunch meeting? Well, we had a few
things to discuss. So we thought we'd,
you know, take a-- Of course! Mind if I join you? Please do. Now, Norman. I want to put a
proposition to you, and I want you to promise
not to go on the defensive. I promise. I want to bring someone in to help you with the
winter programming. - What?
- Norman. George has found a company,
Blue Skies Productions, that think they can increase
the off-season revenue. So the council are putting
the theater up for tender? Absolutely not,
there'll be no decision on an outside producer
for the time being. Pardon my naivety, but since we're supposed to be
in a parlous financial state, how are you gonna pay for this? Oh, we'll judiciously
tweak the folk dance grant. And George has sold
promenade franchise to an organic ice
cream business. So, that should
just about do it. Mr. Whipit isn't gonna
like the organic competition. He doesn't sell much at
this time of year as it is. George assures me
it's all agreed. It was all agreed with
the healthy smoothie stall and look what happened to that. I've never seen
flames shoot so high. Well, that'll be
George's problem. Your problem is whether you're
prepared to give this a try. Oh, I'll give it a try. But I reserve the right
to be sulky and difficult. You are neither
of those things. Now, the Blue Skies people
are arriving tomorrow, so it might be as well
to stay in for lunch. No doubt this bloke will
have a nuclear-powered laptop and a doctorate in artspeak. Norman, don't whinge. I'm not, I'm just saying-- You are whinging
and I won't have it. You're still the boss of the
theater, so kindly start being, bossy. - Cheers, Cedric.
- Oh, cheers. - Cheers.
- Bottoms up. So, when is the
new chap arriving? Bloody hell. What time did I go to
the toilet this morning? Hey, I only repeat information that's in the public interest. The public is not interested
in who runs the theater. But we are, Norman. We don't want things changing. Except for that
arty-farty stuff you do. What was that thing you put
on last winter, Pig whatsit? I believe you are
referring to Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw. That's the one. I had to leave at the interval. All those words. Mrs. Craske, you like
My Fair Lady, don't you? Oh, yes. It's my favorite musical. Which is closely
based on Pygmalion. Cedric: Oh, so what's
that Marriage of Figaro based on, then? The Marriage of
Figaro, by Beaumarchais. And is the play as
long as the opera? Only, half the audience missed
their last bus that night. Although strictly speaking
they'd all have fitted
in a taxi. Well I can't help it if
the people of this town are frightened by a
little dose of culture. Little dose? You mean like a social disease? [ chuckles ] Well, I should keep on trying. You carry on, son,
and we'll support you. Only, don't expect us to
come to your culture bashes. [ chuckles ] No, only joking. Look, you give us
something we know, and we'll come along to
something we don't know. Now, what could be
fairer than that? Well I'm sure
Mr. Blue Skies will give you plenty
of stuff that you know. - It's Eddie Richards.
- Well who's Eddie Richards? Mr. Blue Skies,
I Googled him. And didn't there used to be
a Richards at the theater - when you were a lad?
- No, that was Richardson. Teddy Richardson. Teddy Richardson? Teddy Richardson. Eddie Richards. Look, it's complicated,
I'll explain later. Well, that would be nice. So, Mr. Richards, you
two know each other? In a manner of speaking. So, why didn't you talk
to Norman after we'd spoken? - Well, it's been a while.
- 40 years! I thought it was
more appropriate to go through the
proper channels. - Do it official, like.
- Oh, very appropriate. Well, you two must have
lots of catching up to do. Let's leave them to it, George. George: We'll pick this
up tomorrow, then, yeah? Eddie: So, how's it goin'
then, Norman, old mate? Yeah, don't "old mate" me,
what are you doing here? I'm here to help you
spice up the winter season. Lend you a hand. Norman: And worm your way
into getting the contract to run this place? No, that's not
the idea at all. No, but the thought
must have crossed your mind. Oh, when George
first called, yeah. But when he said you
were running the gaff, I thought no more about it. Besides which,
I'm pretty busy. I can't imagine I'd have time
to be more than a sort of consultant. You know, I can't
really imagine you in the role of
consultant, Teddy. Eddie. - Troubleshooter, then.
- Trouble? Oh, yeah, you were always that. Eddie: Oh, come on. We were mates. That was a long time ago. A man with a past, eh? Richards, Richardson,
it's all very intriguing. Well everybody has a past. I agree. Some more colorful than others. There was a very odd vibe
between him and Norman. It will be fine, just
trust my judgment, please. Laura: It's my judgment
I'm concerned about. Nothing to do with me, Norman. A lot of dodgy characters
around here at the moment. I reckon that was
someone from London. We need to talk, Norman. Ice cream? - What, in this weather?
- Test of character. Two large ones, please. Actually, you have to talk. Why didn't you stay in touch
when you moved to London - all those years ago?
- I know, I'm sorry. You were gonna get me to
join you, it was all organized. I know, I know and
I'm sorry, I really am! I was fast-tracked into
theater management. [ man groans ] Who's he? I'd never even met
the Richardson gang. Just my luck, having
the same name. But I knew who Jack
the Hat McVitie was. - Who are ya?
- Teddy. - Teddy who?
- Teddy Richardson. Well you tell your uncles,
or your cousins, or whoever the fuck they are,
that Ronnie is disappointed! Do you know what that means? - I think so.
- "I think so." You tell 'em, or
I'll be back for you! [ sighs ] What a dump. And why I had to change
my name and lie low, which is why you
never heard from me. I mean, you've heard about
the Richardsons and the Krays? Yeah, I was living in Norfolk,
Eddie, not Outer Mongolia. Not exactly gangland,
but we do our best. Hey. [ Eddie sighs ] There you go. I know, and we're
dealing with it. We can't go any faster. Man:
I'm sure you can. Look, I don't have to
do this job, you know. Man:
Well, I do have
to do this job. I actually earn
my living from it and I need to be in the know. When Mr. Richards has
something to report, you'll be the first to know. Arsehole. [ sighs ]
Poor old Norman. - Where's Mr. Richards?
- I threw him off the pier. Well, kindly go
and rescue him. You owe it to yourself
to give him a chance. Yeah, it's not that easy. Yes, it is! Oh, is this a reprimand? Um... Yes. Well, in that case, I shall
overcome childish animosity and embrace Mr. Richards
as the prodigal returned. Saint Norman. And smugly smile as
he cons the lot of you and make a dog's dinner
of the whole thing. [ lively rock music ] That was great. Same time tomorrow, guys. Larry, this is Eddie Richards, who's gonna help me
plan the winter season. Pleased to meet you, Eddie. What's the band
still doing here? The season's finished. Oh, I let them rehearse
here when we're dark. I hope you charge 'em. [ chuckles ]
Of course you don't. They're good! - Where are they from?
- All over. Musical misfits who find
this place congenial. Blimey. - Are they union members?
- Yes. Pity. That Eddie Richards. - What about him?
- Interesting character. - In what way?
- "Eddie Richards. "Trading as Blue
Skies Productions. "Blue Sea Cruises, Blue
Ribbon Entertainments, "Blue Sound Records. "Contact Central London branch
before accepting engagements "from any of the
above companies." Musicians Union mag. Enjoy. [ phone keypad bleeps ] [ phone rings ] - Man: Hello.
- Musicians Union? Eddie: What other
music do you get here? A lot of tribute bands. - They can do well.
- Some do, some don't. We've had four different
ABBAs with musical talent in inverse proportion to the
height of their platform boots. We've had an Elvis who
sounded like Liza Minnelli and a Liza Minnelli who
looked like Alice Cooper. - And the audience?
- They don't like it. They might have an
average age of 80, but they're not idiots. Why can't you
get a better act? Because-- Because you don't
pay guarantees. A good act won't go for a
split of the box office. It's a vicious circle. What else have you tried? I've tried to raise the
stakes from time to time, small-scale opera,
the odd play, ballet. - And?
-[ Norman sighs ] I see, the turns
outnumber the audience? Not sure I can help too
much with the cultural bit. You surprise me. I worked with him. Rhodes, summer season. He booked four boy dancers. - And he didn't pay you?
- Oh, he paid us, in drachma. Which was a restricted currency. So we had to wrap the notes
in carbon paper and send them home, then cash them for
fourpence when we got back. [ sighs ]
But that isn't
the worst of it. Well, sounds
pretty bad to me. Drag. What? That creep Eddie Richards
didn't tell us we'd be in drag. Sequins, bloody ostrich
feathers, the lot. I have my pride,
you know. Oh, I know. Four months. Four months of shaving my
body, crushing my credentials and dancing behind Chantal, a Moroccan boy who'd
had a sex change. He did a tassel dance and
Eartha Kitt impressions. Thanks for this, Julian. You won't mention me, but one of the other boys in
Rhodes is now a tax inspector, and I bet he'd love to
have a go at Mr. Richards. [ phone rings ] [ phone rings ] - Hello.
- Laura, it's Sandra. I'm sorry to bother you at
home, have you got a moment? I'm a bit tied up
right now, but go on. You know I've been
trying to encourage Norman to cooperate with
Eddie Richards? Well, now I'm having
second thoughts. Such as? I've heard this rather
worrying story about drag acts. Drag acts? Yes, you know, sequins
and ostrich feathers. Ostrich feathers? Sandra, do you think
your feelings for Norman are biasing your judgment
about Mr. Richards? I don't have
feelings for Norman. I'm sorry, my
misunderstanding. But things are moving
rather rapidly. The council are determined to
tackle the theater deficit now so if Mr. Richards can
come up with a plan, I can calm things down. If not... Anyway, tell me your concerns. It's nothing,
you're probably right. I'm being overprotective
of Norman. Sorry to disturb you. Bye bye. Bye! Carry on. Excuse me. You're the new
theater chappy, then? Word gets about. - Where's Norman?
- Gone home, I think. - Are you friends of his?
- Friends and admirers. We're his loyal audience. Well in that case,
would you like a drink? - Don't mind if I do.
- Thought you'd never ask. [ chuckles ] Eddie Richards. Pleased to meet you, Miss? [ laughs ]
Mrs. Craske. And this is Cedric. You be nice to him, he gets
dangerous when he's had a few. Eddie: Thanks, I'll
bear that in mind. I do remember you. You were young Teddy. You used to flog
those pheasants. Always used to wonder
where you'd got 'em from. I don't remember that. It was all perfectly legal. It's Eddie now. Eddie, Teddy, Neddy,
whoever you are. I ought to tell you that
we're very loyal to Norman, and his theater. Well, it's not actually
Norman's theater. You know what I mean. We're not keen on change,
are we, ladies? Not at all. That's a relief, neither am I. I'm just here to look at
the winter programming. Nothing's gonna
happen overnight. Tell me. What would you like to
see in the winter season? - No plays.
- No opera. No ABBA. So, we know what
you don't want. What do you want? - I don't know.
- A bit of fun. - A bit of fun?
- Yes, fun. I've got lots of ideas. I don't suppose you'd like
to share those ideas with me? I might. Same again. On my tab. Man: Mrs. Craske, do you
want the prize or the question? Oh, I'll take the question. Right! George Michael is straight, gay, bisexual, or-- What in God's
name is going on? Eddie:
Morning, Norman! Do you know Andy Tarrant,
from Eastern Television? - I said, what's going on?
- A little experiment. Can't call it Who Wants
To Be A Millionaire, 'cause they'll sue us. Besides, we haven't
got that kind of dosh. So, we'll offer
dinner-for-two somewhere. I'm thinkin' of callin'
it Meal Or No Meal. [ Andy laughs ] - And what's she doing here?
- I'm the guinea pig! A lamb to the slaughter,
more like. Mr. Tarrant, I'm afraid you're
here under false pretenses. I suggest you go back to
reading the weather forecast and forget this ever happened! - Bloody Norman.
- What's wrong with him? I set him up a brilliant idea
that he immediately rubbished. Well, if at first
you don't succeed-- Oh, I will try again. The next one is a
sure-fire winner. This "sure-fire winner." Does it involve musicians? - Yes.
- But not paying them? What are you trying to get at? Boy dancers, will
you be using any? Sort of boy dancers, yes. And only telling them
they have to be in drag, - after they have signed up.
- Drag? Do you know a lot of
people in our business? Not really. Information is easy to come by. The drag thing was a mistake.
It was a long time ago. - And the Musicians Union?
- What about them? You said yourself, you don't
many people in our business, so you probably
wouldn't understand that a successful project
takes a while to develop. It has to be nurtured, budgets
have to be triple-checked, artists have to be
chosen carefully. You've got a week. Right. And if you do anything
to upset Norman, you'll regret it. Right. Right, well I'm off back to
the hotel to do some work. If Norman wants to talk
in a civilized manner, that's where I'll be,
in the Alma Cogan Suite. I used to know her. Nice girl. Not my type. - [ jazzy piano music ]
- [ indistinct chatter ] It's a nice place
you've got here. Your husband must do well. A true voice of feminism. Actually, all my
husbands did well. - Particularly the last one.
- Oh, what did he do, then? - He was in oil.
- Oh, what was he, a sardine? Anyway. Tell me, how are
things progressing? - Steaming along.
- Good. Time is of the essence. It always is in our business,
George, mate, it always is. Of course, shows
have to be planned. I'm sure they do,
but George is right. Things need to happen fast. Any hint as to when
you'll be presenting
your initial proposal? Any day now. I'm working on this
idea, it's a corker. Now, you must have
seen that film-- [ "Pop Goes the Weasel"
ringtone chimes ] Excuse me. With pleasure. Do keep us posted. - Richards, where are you?
- Siberia. Funny. You can run, you piece of
shit, but you can't hide. Sort it. - Laura.
- Laura: Sandra. I used to have a dress
exactly like that. Where did you get it? - A charity shop.
- Oh. Right. Well, you look fantastic. I try to make an effort. Is Norman coming tonight? He was invited. Did he not say anything to you? I've not seen a lot of
him in the past few days. Perhaps it's best
he's not here. I haven't told anyone else
yet, but it's official now. Unless he can clear the
deficit by Christmas, it'll be curtains,
as they say. The theater will be closed
and put out to tender. I'm really sorry. [ funky electronic music ] Oh, this is great,
boys, this is great! Get ready, get ready,
twirl and twirl and twirl! And go! Keep the line, keep the line! Let go! That's it! - Oh, morning, Norman.
- [ music stops ] Brilliant idea, eh? Despite the tourists
guzzling most of the crab, these gentlemen are
still employed fishermen, not unemployed steelworkers. Robbie Craske, does your
mother know about this? Well, it's her idea, Norman. Ah, well I might
have known it. Daniel. Does your father approve of
you getting your kit off? He ought to,
he's here himself. Won't be much crabbing
happening from now on, will there, Paul? What's the missus
gonna think about that? Well, she'll like the
money from this, Norman. - Paying you well, is he?
- We're on a percentage. Oh, well that's
all right, then. You, Mark, your
girlfriend happy about you displaying the ol'
meat and veg in public? I ain't got nothin' to
be ashamed of, Norman. I'm sure you haven't,
but you know what it's like on the boat when
it gets very cold, how everything seems to shrivel? Yeah. Well, it's just
like that on stage. Very drafty places, stages. Especially those perched
above the North Sea. Don't you listen to him,
son, the lights are warm-- Would you like to go to
my office, Mr. Richards? We need to have a little chat. Traitor. Only trying to help. Well help these poor saps
into their coats, then, and back into the boats. Thank you, gentlemen. The audition is now over. Generous supplies of crab and
lobster throughout next season might just persuade me to keep
my mouth shut about today. God. What the bloody hell was
that farrago all about? I was just
humoring Mrs. Craske. Keeping the regulars
happy, all that. You rotten sod. You won't even
take responsibility for the ideas that you steal. I would have done
if you'd liked it.
[ chuckles ] That was a joke. Look, I'm here
to do a job. It's not easy if you
won't get involved! We live in different worlds. I suspect we always did. What do we do, then? You carry on making
an arse of yourself. I'm off for a few days. Bloody hell, Norman. Of course. [ high-pitched voice ]
Double Take Agency! - Barry?
- Richards. You got my money? - Not exactly.
- You toerag. I told you-- But, I have had an idea that will make us
both a lot of money. Piss off. - Barry, trust me.
- [ Barry laughs ] [ coughs ] Oh, well, at least you
started my day with a laugh. You've got one minute. What do you want? Alma Cogan. A bit late, she's
been dead 40 years. Yeah, ha ha. I want an Alma Cogan
tribute artist. Try Madame Tussauds. Seriously, Barry, I'm doing
a bit of consultancy work at this funny little place
up on the East Coast. Now I tell you, the audience
here is old enough to remember her mother. Consultancy work? You tosser. Still, it's not a bad idea. Alma was bloody good. It's a tragedy she
popped off so young. Exactly. So, I need you to
organize a cattle call. Find me Alma Cogan, you know,
aged about 30, the real deal. Think about it, Barry, all
those geriatric audiences that think that civilization died
when rock and roll was born. I have thought about it. You get me my money and quick. You're quick, or you're dead. Do you get it? [ phone rings ] [ high-pitched voice ]
Double Take Agency! Just putting you through. [ knocks ] Sandra, what are
you doing here? What are you doing here,
are you ill? Won't you sit down? Look, I'm sorry for
banging on your door, but you weren't at the
party last night and, and then you disappeared this
morning, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine! I just don't think me and
Eddie being in the same place is a very good idea. He's trying to
save the theater. Norman: He's trying
to run the theater. If someone doesn't
do something, there won't be a theater to run. What do you mean? If you'd been at the party, Laura would have
told you herself. The deficit has to be
cleared by Christmas or the council
will close us down. Ah, they wouldn't do that. Get your bloody head
out of the sand, Norman. I'm sorry, I'm just concerned. And I appreciate your concern. It's just that I know
how this is gonna play. George thinks that Eddie is
some kind of Cecil B. DeMille, so I'm gonna take some
of the holiday I'm owed, and leave him to it. You're not listening. Laura was serious last night. It's political scaremongering. Why don't you take a
few days off as well? Why? No particular reason. I could teach you to shoot duck. Damn you, Norman! Everyone has a place
at the end of the day Everyone has the choice
whether to go or stay Sometimes you have
to choose It's not a matter
of win or lose Just that it's sometimes
better to walk away So open your mind You'll understand The new world you'll find Here in wonderland Here in wonderland Alma Cogan. A-L-M-A. Hello, Rupert,
how old are you? Rupert, put your
dad on, will ya? Of course she's gonna
be able to sing. That's the whole
point, isn't it? I'm looking for an Alma
Cogan, you got any girls? How many can you do me? Early next week
I'm looking for. Yeah. No. No. Uh. [ sighs ] Too young. No chance, no chance whatsoever. [ sighs ] So open your mind You'll understand The new world you'll find Here in wonderland - [ phone rings ]
- Here in wonderland Checkmate. Nobody has the answers,
it's all up to you Nobody else can know
what you are going through Better to go than fight It's not a matter
of wrong or right Just give yourself some
time, you'll know what to do So open your mind You'll understand The new world you'll find Here in wonderland Here in wonderland So open your mind You'll understand The new world you'll find Here in wonderland Here in wonderland. Thanks, folks. Concert at 7:30, be
back at seven, please. Norman! What a nice surprise. I was just passing,
so I thought... - Have you enjoyed your break?
- Very much. Although, I would
have preferred... - Have you enjoyed your, um--
- Non-break? It's been fine, thank you. Any chance of you popping
back to the theater sometime? Next week, definitely. Good. And you'll try to be
reasonable with Eddie Richards? - He's working very hard.
- Absolutely. Look, I'll see you Monday. Would you like to
stay for the concert? Richards! I've got something for you. Barry. No, I don't have your money. I don't have my Alma. Just do whatever
you have to do. It couldn't make
things any worse. Where is he, then? Oh, I'm sure
he'll be here soon. I can't wait to see what
he's got lined up for us. Well, I'm giving
him five minutes. Oh relax, George, you
can't rush these things. Indeed, you can't. Sorry to keep you
waiting, folks. We're on the
edge of our seats. What's it to be today,
Eddie, wife-swapping? Nude fishermen
wrestling in the mud? I admit the male
strippers may have been - a bit of a mistake.
- Oh, surely not. But, I have really got
a treat for you today. The audience is fed up with
the same old tribute acts. And let's not beat
about the bush. Your core punters are
somewhat on the elderly side. So, I got my old mate,
Barry Bates there, find me the most successful
British female pop star of the 50s and early 60s. And given that I've been
sleeping in her bed, as it were, I'm surprised I didn't
think of her before. Anyway. I guarantee that 99%
of your winter audience will be bathed in a warm
glow of reminiscence when they see this young lady. Allow me to
introduce, Alma Cogan! [ "Jada" by Alma Cogan ] Jada, jada Jada jada, jing jing jing Jada, jada Jada jada,
jing jing jing It's a funny little melody But it's so soothing
and appealing to me It goes jada, jada Jada jada,
jing jing jing Now you may think
this a funny tune But it's more fun than
on the moon with June Everybody singing
this crazy song Now lose your inhibitions,
now come along And sing a jada, jada Jada jada,
jing jing jing Now you're doin' it Jada, jada Jada jada,
jing jing jing Oh, it's a simple
little melody So come on everybody
and sing it with me It goes jada, jada Jada, jada, jing, jing Jada, jada, jing, jing Jada, jada Jing jing jing Ja, ja Jada - [ Eddie laughs ]
- [ applause ] Eddie: Thanks, guys! Come on down, Alma. You might call her
by her real name. Believe it or not,
that is her real name. Alma Collins. My mom was nuts
about Alma Cogan. My dad loved Alma Cogan, too. So, I remember her. You're uncannily like her. And she knows all
the old songs, too. I never thought I'd get to
use them professionally though. Oh, you will. All over the country,
starting here. And we've lined up Cathy Kirby,
Lita Roza, Ann Shelton. We'll have a season,
then a national tour of pre rock and roll stars, and the theater
gets a percentage. Ridiculous! Does anybody else think that? Get down off your
artsy pedestal, mate. You're no different
from the rest of us. You shit in the
morning, don't you? Mind you, since you're so
full of shit, maybe you don't. Why can't you
leave the past alone? Bloody hell. No pleasing some people. Anyway, let's get busy,
I wanna cover the town with posters, I want
local radio, newspapers. I want to open in a week. Norman. What's the matter? I know that you and Eddie
don't exactly see eye-to-eye, but that girl seemed
very good. Mind you, I don't really
remember Alma Cogan. Well, I do. She ruined my life. What do you mean? Alma Cogan played here
one night at this theater
in 1964. She was amazing. Glamorous, sexy, funny. And with that wonderful voice. "The girl with the
laugh in her voice." That's what she was
known as. And she seemed to be laughing
'cause she was having such a good time
on that stage, and she wanted to share
it with every one of us. When all is said and done We've got twice the blessings
and we've got twice the fun 20 tiny fingers 20 tiny toes Two angel faces Each with a turned up nose One looks like Mommy With a cute
little curl on top And the other one's
got a big bald spot After the show, we went round to her dressing
room to ask for her autograph. [ knocks ] Come in, mind the frocks. Miss Cogan,
I'm sorry to disturb,
I just want to tell you I thought you were
wonderful tonight. Thank you. What a sweet thing to say. Would you, would you
mind signing this for me? I could do better than that. What's your name? Norman. There you are. Now perhaps you
could do me a favor. - Are you leaving now?
- Oh yes, yes, sorry. No, silly. I didn't mean go away, it's
just that my lot have all gone off to catch last
orders at the pub. Would you mind walking
me back to my hotel? Oh, yes, I'd be delighted. Give me two minutes, then. I thought there
would be fans waiting
at the stage door, but it was deserted. We walked along the
pier and chatted. It was all very natural. [ chuckles ]
Me, with the biggest
female star of the day. I've never done an end
of the pier show before. My agent said the
Pavilion Theater. He didn't mention I'd
be halfway to Siberia. You must feel
a bit let down. I don't allow things
like that to worry me. - The audience was happy.
- They were thrilled! I don't remember anyone
getting such a good reception. How long have you
worked at the theater? Five years,
since I left school. - I lived here my whole life.
- With your parents? Unfortunately, yes. There's nothing wrong with
living with your family. I live with my mom's
sister, it's fun. Maybe, but at least you
know you don't have to. I haven't got an option. You've got a point. Norman:
When we got to the hotel,
she invited me in for a drink. Do you enjoy touring? Coming to funny little
places like this? I'd sooner be playing
the Talk of the Town,
if I'm honest. But you can't do that
52 weeks a year. A girl has to work. But you must have earned
loads from all your records. Oh, sorry, that was a
bit rude, wasn't it? No, it's all right. The thing is, Norman. I haven't had a hit record for, well, a while. And the money soon goes. Anyway, I love performing and I'll do it as
long as they want me. And then? I don't know. Settle down? Get married. Have children. I don't know. Let's have another drink. Norman:
I was very naive. But I got the sense that she
was rather lonely and sad. She weren't bubbly anymore. Perhaps performing in a place
that she probably wouldn't have played a few
years previously was the fact that her
career might be finite. Anyway, as I said,
I was naive, and when she asked
me up to her room, the Alma Cogan Suite,
as it is now... Did you? I've never told a living
soul what happened that night. I'm very honored. You mustn't think that she
was some sort of nymphomaniac devouring lusty
young bits of rough. For a start, I wasn't
exactly Marlon Brando. It's just that she was
lonely and I was sympathetic. So? Get onto the interesting bit. Sorry, sorry. It's just you as a toyboy. You have to admit,
it's a bit unexpected. What happened next
was pretty unexpected,
I can tell you. Go on. - I can't!
- You can't stop now! - I couldn't stop then!
- [ chuckles ] You don't mean-- - Yes!
- [ Norman moans ] - It's all right.
- No, it's not all right! [ Norman and Sandra laugh ] I'm really, really
sorry about that. That's never happened
to me before. - Well, actually--
- It's all right. I'm sure it hasn't. And I'm flattered. Come and sit down. Norman, I think you're
a really nice young man. I'm going to suggest
that you go now, not because I don't like you, but because I'm
really quite tired and I have to leave
early tomorrow. Take this. If you're ever in London, I want you to promise
that you'll call. - Promise.
- I promise. We can go out
somewhere nice and get to know each
other a little better. I'd like that very much. Good. And I'll write to you
at the theater. Norman:
And she did. A few weeks later,
I got a postcard. She was on tour in Germany. - So did you go and see her?
- I was too scared. You see, there was always
stories in the papers about the parties
that Alma threw. She knew everyone,
The Beatles, Lionel Bart,
Noel Coward. I knew I'd be hopelessly
out of my depth. A sort of country
bumpkin mascot. So, I decided that I would
do something about that. I did what I'd never had
a chance to do at school. I read the classics,
I went to plays, concerts, art galleries,
anything I could. It wasn't easy,
living up here, but I soon to came to see
that my life had become immeasurably richer. I was like Eliza Doolittle. I started out wanting
the flower shop, and now I was
ready for the ball. But you still
didn't go to London? I was all set to go and
then my dad got killed in the lifeboat
and that was that. I couldn't leave Mom,
she was in deep shock. So was I, I suppose. And then, one morning,
about a year later, I came to realize that
all this self-improvement was a complete waste of time. - Well, I never.
- What? - It's young Teddy Richardson.
- Where? In the paper! "Alma Cogan records
Beatles hits. "Alma, pictured at
Abbey Road Studios
with John and Paul "and Paul's girlfriend
Jane Asher." And there's Teddy. He's a bit young for
Alma Cogan, isn't he? - Oh, the rotten bastard!
- Norman! He's your friend. He was my friend. But the thought of
him with Alma... You were in love
with her. In love with Alma Cogan? Was I? I don't know. She was kind to me. And I know I was obsessed
with her, but in love? I think I was in love
with what she represented. A girl from a very ordinary
background who took flight. Not in the sense
of running away, but doing what she
felt passionate about. And then Teddy
sneaked in there. And 40 years later, returns to the theater and
brings her back to life. To rub salt in the wound, ends up staying in the
bloody Alma Cogan Suite. Wait a minute, Norman. When Eddie told me that that
was where he was staying, he said he'd known Alma Cogan, and that she wasn't
his type at all. She never had an affair
with Eddie Richards. What do I do now? Your job? - [ band warms up ]
- [ muffled chatter ] Just watch the step. - [ audience applauds ]
- [ audience cheers ] [ "Hold Your Hand Out
Naughty Boy" by Alma Cogan ] Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy Last night, underneath
the pale moonlight I saw you I saw you With a new girl in the park You were strollin',
full of joy And you told me you
never kissed a girl before Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy - No, no.
- [ audience laughs ] Hold your hand out Oh, you naughty boy Hold your hand out Such a naughty,
naughty boy Last night, underneath
the pale moonlight I saw you, I saw you Everybody saw you with
a new girl in the park And you were strollin',
full of joy And you told me you
never kissed a girl before Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy Hold your hand out You naughty, naughty,
naughty, naughty boy. [ applause ] [ cheers ] - [ phone beeping ]
- [ bell rings ] [ "Bell Bottom Blues"
by Alma Cogan ] I got the bell bottom blues
'cause my sweetie is a sailor And he's sailing
somewhere on the sea I got the bell bottom blues
'cause I'm crazy About a sailor
and I don't know-- - Is there a shout on?
- It's bad. - They can't get the crew!
- Well, I'd better go. No, you're too old,
the insurers will never
cover ya! I'm not too bloody old and
to hell with the insurance. You take me on a date I got the bell bottom blues
while the other girls-- Don't worry, Cedric. I just around the
living room and wait I wonder if he's lookin' at
the same moon I'm lookin' at Every night I'm
lookin' at the moon I know that if
he's prayin' for The same thing
I'm prayin' for We'll be together soon I got the bell bottom blues,
just a-waitin' for a letter Heaven knows I'm
as lonely as can be I got the bell bottom blues,
but I won't be feeling better Till my sailor boy
comes sailin' home to me... Norman. It's Sandra, I'm sorry I
can't be with you, but-- Cedric:
Sandra, it's Cedric. Norman's left his phone,
on the boat. What? The lifeboat,
we're short on crew. It's a bit nasty. It's two kids in a dinghy. I got the bell bottom blues
'cause my sweetie is a sailor And he's sailing
somewhere on the sea I got the bell bottom blues 'Cause I'm crazy
about a sailor And I don't know when
he's comin' back to me I wonder if he's lookin' at
the same moon I'm lookin' at Every night I'm
lookin' at the moon I know that if
he's prayin' for The same thing
I'm prayin' for We'll be together soon You all right, love? I'm fine, thanks. They'll be quite
a while, you know. I'd like to wait here,
if that's allowed. Of course. Would you like to come into
the office, it's warmer? No, I'll stay here,
thank you. As you like. I'll bring you a
cup of tea, then. Thanks. Hey. He'll be fine. He knows what he's doing. And I won't be feelin'
better till my sailor boy Comes sailing home to me. - [ applause ]
- [ cheers ] Norman! [ laughs ] - I'm all right.
- [ laughing ] Promise me,
no more heroics. Never again. Look, there's one thing
I need to clear up. Eddie, did you ever have
an affair with Alma Cogan? Oh, Norman. Well, it's difficult to
remember after all these years. No, it isn't. Oh, yeah. No! I was nuts about Jane Asher! I chased her all over town. For some reason, she preferred
that Paul McCartney bloke. Well, in that case,
I've decided to take
early retirement. I'm burying the hatchet, Eddie. If you want the job,
I'll support you. What in God's name has this
got to do with Alma Cogan? Nothing, really,
and everything. The point is,
it's time to go. George: Eddie? Well, I'll have to
consult with my... When do I start? Well, now, I suppose. But Norman, is this
what you really want? I've never been
more sure of anything. I'm handing my
notice in as well. I'll wait till
after the funeral,
but then I'll be off. George: What will you do? I'm thinking of traveling. Going on a cruise. Then, we'll see. Now, I'd like to go and see how they're getting
on at the boathouse. And I've
got a tour to book. [ chuckles ] All right, probably
won't see me for a while. Okay. You kept pretty quiet
about your travel plans. I've been thinking
about it for a while. Probably took Mother passing
on to prod me into action. But you'll come back? I don't know. You could come with me. Oh, I don't know. You're taking flight. I'd just be running away. You really don't remember me? I don't. What? Loretta? The Revuebar? The routine with the
ostrich feathers. Oh, my God. You married that agent,
the one who, uh-- Preferred boys. I did better subsequently. Obviously. I'm in shock. When did you recognize me? As soon as I saw you. All the girls used
to fancy you, you know? Oh, well-- Back then. Have I changed that much? I have. Does anybody up here
know that you were a-- Dancer? No. I shall have to rely
on your discretion. Mum's the word. Loretta, I think you and I
are gonna get along famously. Norman: George! You've been disconnected. How are you functioning? It's all up here, Norman. Bye. See? Even George
has it worked out. - It's all up here.
- Yeah. You can do anything
you want to now. That's just the problem. [ applause ] Thank you. I'd like to finish by
thanking my wonderful band who bravely elected to forego
the joys of the East Coast of England in winter for
cruising on the Caribbean. [ laughter ] This song was made famous by
the late and greatly missed Alma Cogan, and
it's dedicated to someone who finally learned
how to take flight. Blow me a kiss
from across the room Say I look nice
when I'm not Touch my hair as
you pass my chair Little things mean a lot Give me your arm as
we cross the street Call me at six on the dot A line a day when
you're far away Little things mean a lot You don't have to buy
me diamonds and pearls Champagne, sables and such I never cared much
for diamonds and pearls 'Cause honestly, honey They just cost money Alma Cogan:
Give me your hand
when I've lost the way Give me your
shoulder to cry on Whether the day
is bright or gray Give me your heart
to rely on Send me the warmth
of a secret smile To show me
you haven't forgot For now and forever That's always and ever Little things mean a lot Give me your hand
when I've lost the way Give me your
shoulder to cry on Whether the day
is bright or gray Give me your heart
to rely on Send me the warmth
of a secret smile To show me
you haven't forgot For now and forever That's always and ever Little things mean a lot
for a moment, please? I just wanted to check
where the windows in my schedule were today. - Windows?
- And? With the exception
of the wrinklies-- - Sandra.
- Senior-citizens. Your day is a huge vista
of wraparound glass. Oh, right! Hang on, though,
and this is exciting. - Two o'clock, Gorgeous George.
- No, you canceled him. He canceled the cancellation. No, I'm too busy,
the wrinklies-- You didn't put
the dentist off. - I like my dentist.
- Why don't you like George? He's got a degree in
arts administration, which is on a par with media
studies and dog walking. - [ music playing ]
- What are they doing in there? Rehearsing a new number for
the Best of Broadway routine. Well they shouldn't be,
we can't afford it. Nice to see you
in such a good mood. Together where we belong How can you say
that this is wrong I will lay the whole
world at your feet I will make you
glad that you're a man Together we'll rule as one Under the warm Egyptian sun Together, our life's begun Under the warm The warm Egyptian sun Lovely, dears. Perhaps a little more
heartfelt in the last chorus? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay. Boys, I know it's early, but don't you feel the backing
is a bit, how shall we say? Undercharged? A bit like
we don't really care? But we don't really
care, the song is drivel. The song, Larry, you
cynical oaf, is not drivel. It happens to be first
act closer of Cleopatra, which happens to be
the hottest ticket on the Great White Way. Does the audience bother
coming back for act two? Oh, for God's sake. Julian, can I have a word? All right,
darlings, take five. Take 15! The season finishes
this week. Why are we rehearsing
new songs? Well, the kids are fed up
with Rogers and Hammerstein. I suspect the audience is, too. Some of them come back
three or four times, and The Farmer and the Cowman
with four girls, two boys and a comedy magician
is short changing them. All very noble,
but the overtime? - The kids won't charge any.
- Well, the band will. Well, if it's that desperate,
I'll pay the band myself! Don't worry, I'll raid
the pensioner's lunch club. Good afternoon,
Mr. Grey. - Hi, how are ya,
how's the family?
- Fine, thank you. Good, good. All right, girls?
Behaving yourselves? That makes a change. Hi, Norman! Come and take the weight
off your feet, Norman. Norman:
No thanks, Mrs. Craske. Just checking that you're
being looked after. Oh, of course. We might as well move in here! Do you know, we've seen
the show three times, and we're coming
again on Saturday. - Not bored with it, then?
- No fear. It's a treat, every time. Not too much Rogers
and Hammerstein? Hey, you can never have too
much Rogers and Hammerstein. Mrs. Craske:
He's right. So you wouldn't
want anything new? - Modern musicals, poppy stuff?
- Oh, I didn't say that. You've gotta keep up
with the times, I say. You're never too old,
eh, girls? [ women laugh ] Shall we? You'll need another drink,
if you're meeting young George, from the council. Cedric, can you explain to
me how it is that every bugger in this town seems to know
what I'm doing before I do? Because you're
a public figure, Norman. And there's not a lot
else to talk about. Mind you, if there was
anything else to talk about, I doubt you'd get
a second thought. Cheers. Changes There have to be changes Changes Nothing stays the same Is it something you
can't share anymore Or a feeling you
don't dare anymore If you really just don't
care anymore, let it go It needn't be your fault You shouldn't take
the blame Changes Changes There have to be changes Changes Nothing stays the same. Where have you been?
George is here. Have you been drinking? What a ridiculous suggestion. Sorry to keep you, George. Affairs of state. What are you gonna do with
that thing, film me, tape me, or fumigate the office? I finally managed to
decipher the returns for the last three years. Your box office staff have no
idea how to use a computer. How on earth do you keep
track of year on statistics? All up here,
George, all up here. That's not protocol, Norman,
you can't be held accountable if the correct systems
aren't in place. The girls in the box office-- Now know how to prepare
a proper spreadsheet. - Hoorah, so I won't have to.
- On the contrary-- Look, I can work my mobile
phone, I can program the video, I can operate my washing
machine, that's quite enough technical achievement
for a man of my age. That's something else
we need to talk about. - What, my washing machine?
- Your age. Oh, putting me out
to grass, are ya? No, I mean... No, but if you can't,
or won't embrace the 21st century,
the council are under no obligation to continue
supporting you indefinitely. I rather assumed it was
the theater, and the people who enjoy using it that
the council was supporting. You know, those
pesky ratepayers? - Oh, yes, of course.
- I'm just the manager. Although, of course, if
it would be nice to think that after 43 years
of loyal service-- You're deliberately
misunderstanding me. I understand you
only too well. Please take a look
at these figures. Perhaps then you'll understand
why there are certain factions in the council
who are gravely concerned. George, we should all
be gravely concerned about global warming,
international terrorism, third world starvation, but grave concern about
the Pavilion Theater? Let's keep this in
perspective, shall we? As you wish. Goodbye, Norman. Sandra. You have been drinking. I had a couple of beers,
it's not against the law. Anyway, you shouldn't
have been listening. You were broadcasting
to the nation. What was all that toffee
about global warming? I was making a simple,
rational point. And I shall do the same. I'm taking the rest
of the day off. We've run out of tea bags
and there's a message to call your chiropodist. When you don't know
wrong from right anymore And you can't tell
day from night anymore If there's something
you can't fight anymore Let it go It's really not your fault Though it seems a shame Changes Changes. Press the button. Well, it's probably
that one, isn't it? Oh, no, that's not it. Oh, God, look. No, you do it, you try
it, how many is there? On the 2:30 show, how
many have we got left? Press that. Oh, no, God's sake. Oi! What are you doing with my bag? Give it back. Changes Nothing stays the same Maybe you don't
want to take anymore It's behavior you
can't fake anymore Those decisions you
can't make anymore Let it go It's someone else's fault Someone else's game Changes Changes There have to be changes Changes Nothing stays the same Changes There have to be changes Changes Nothing stays the same. - Need a drink, then?
- I do. But I'll have a coffee. How was the meeting, then? Apparently, I'm senile
and computer illiterate. Oh, he's a perceptive chap. Well, that does
that make you, then? I admit my age and
I can work a computer. It's all right for you,
you've got nothing else to do. Oh, hoity toity! You won't have anything else
to do, if they get rid of ya. No, it's, it's just gossip. What's gossip? You know, about these
commercial producers coming in to run
the theater. Oh that, no, Laura
wouldn't allow it. Hey, never trust an
attractive menopausal woman. - You old chauvinist.
- I'm proud of it. You watch yourself,
because I reckon that she and young Comerford
are plotting something. Cedric, you could
spin a conspiracy theory out of a church picnic. Laura's a chum. And, to be fair, George
is only doing his job. You're getting more and
more like your father. He couldn't bear to think
the worst of anybody. Fat lot of good it did him. Well done!
Good initiative! How did you persuade Mr. Whipit? I simply explained that an
organic fair trade operation was benefiting customer choice. They were happy with that? - Perfectly.
- Good! No more ice cream wars, then. I hardly think-- When Fresh Farm Ices tried
to muscle in on Mr. Whipit's patch, they ended up with
their tires slashed, the van sprayed with slurry and a
dead seagull in the freezer. Then there was the
healthy smoothie incident. Still, I'm sure you've
got it all under control. Now, was there anything else? Yes. The theater. We have a problem. Strictly speaking, of course,
you have a problem. What's happened? Well, that's the problem,
nothing's happened. Rome wasn't built in a day. Rome... Never mind. Presumably you haven't
raised the question - of an outside producer, then?
- I've tried! But it's useless
talking to the man. He doesn't understand the
principles of good governance. Well, they sold out
again this summer. That's pretty good governance. He refuses to accept that,
despite selling out, the theater is in trouble. He won't even learn
how to use a computer. Says "it's all up here." Well, it probably is! Doesn't want to be bothered
with computers at his age. - Exactly.
- What? His age. If he won't comply with
standard accounting procedures, perhaps it's time to find
someone who will. I'm not having you shove
Norman out before he's ready. You can't have it
both ways, Laura. Do you want to bring
in a commercial producer,
or don't you? Well, that's what the
council intends to do. But we have to tread carefully. Why? Why is everyone so keen
to protect poor Norman? Because he's one of the
good guys, so was his father, and I dare say his
grandfather, too. Look, maybe you can find a
way to ease this in gradually. Have a think about the winter. The place hardly functions then. Now, I must fly. It's time for me to bring
some good governance to the wheelie bin deficit. [ audience laughs ] So, he says, "I've just
run over this rabbit." He says, "That's not a
rabbit, that's a hare!" Takes an aerosol can out
of his bag and he sprays it all over the hare,
and it jumps straight up. And runs down the road,
turns round and waves to them. Runs a bit more,
turns round and waves. Runs a bit further,
again it waves. The driver says, "Well, it's
a good job you're a vet." He says, "I'm not a vet,
I'm a hairdresser." He says, "What's that
you sprayed it with?" He said, "Oh, that was
a hair revitalizer, "with a permanent wave!"
[ audience laughs ] [ audience applauds ] All right. Larry, take it away! [ upbeat music ] [ audience applauds ] And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we come to the moment that we've all been dreading. This, the very last
spectacular of the season, must end. I'd like to arrange a meeting,
at your earliest convenience. Splendid idea. All those involved
in making this the most successful
show to date! - Are you coming to the party?
- [ applause and cheers ] Our wonderful backstage staff! Party? Larry and his
scintillating band! Cast and crew. Come and meet everyone,
let your hair down. The boys and girls
of the ensemble who worked so hard
and so cheerfully. [ applause, cheers ] Thank you, but I don't really
think that's appropriate. - Shh!
- Our star guest-- It doesn't have to be
appropriate, it's a party. - I'm inviting ya.
- And of course, me. [ laughter ] Yes, well, perhaps
for a short time. I'm only joking, but
don't let's forget the man who makes it all possible. Ladies and gentlemen, your very special
theater manager, - Norman!
- [ cheers, applause ] Come on up, Norman! Take a bow! Don't be shy. So, finally, ladies
and gentlemen, from all of us to all of you, our lovely audience,
thanks a million - and see you all next year!
- [ applause ] And remember, folks,
we don't do it for us. Audience: We do it for you. - [ upbeat music ]
- [ applause ] We love entertaining We're proud of the show But we're not complaining It's time to go The end of the season Last night at the pier But what is the reason Why we are here We do it for you That's the whole idea We do it for you That's why we persevere We do it for you Please come back next year Truly we're sincere We do it for you That's the whole idea We do it for you That's why we persevere We do it for you Please come back next year Truly we're sincere We do it for you. [ lively rock music ] Mr. Comerford, are
you enjoying yourself? Yes, yes, thanks. You should be dancing. I'm sure the girls
will appreciate it. Oh, no, I mean, no, I don't really do
dancing and things like that. I hope you do some
things like that. Life would be awfully
boring if you didn't. Everybody seems so... Jolly? Jolly! Yes. They're quite normal, you know,
they're just young people having a few drinks
and a good time. Tomorrow they'll be off and
they probably won't work again till Christmas panto,
if they're lucky. So, it's nice that they can
be jolly, don't you think? Yes, I hadn't really
thought about it like that. Is Sandra looking
after you, George? Oh yes, she's been very... I must say,
I am concerned about who's paying for all of this. I don't think
that's really very-- No, he's quite right. These are questions
that need to be asked. Mrs. Craske. - Mrs. Craske?
- Yes. I hung her upside-down
by her bloomers from the end of the
pier and I told her, unless she paid for
tonight's party, we'd never perform any Rogers
and Hammerstein ever again. - Norman--
- That seemed to do the trick. The only reason I
ask is because, well, since you have all
the figures up there, you'll know that income from
the venue has remained static, for the past three years. Which means, of course,
an actual revenue drop
of 8.4%. The income from this theater
has indeed remained static despite the last three
seasons selling out. So have the wages, apart
from mine, but then, of course, you know that I
took a wage cut this year. Laura:
Is this really the time? Which I'm record
as objecting to. It's not good business. If you can't balance the books,
you should put up the price of the tickets or make
internal economies, or-- Or? Nothing. Norman:
Tell me, George,
where do you live? I live over towards-- Towards the rich people,
well, I live here. And I can tell you without
the aid of computer analysis that people in this town
don't have a lot of money. Look at the unemployment
figures, go down to pubs, hang out by the chippies, and
you'll very quickly come to the conclusion that raising
the ticket prices is a no-no. So, onto rescue plan number two. What was it you called
it, "internal economies?" The reason, George, that this
unique institution functions as well as it does is
due to these people. Some of whom have been here
since you were playing naughty games with the other boys in
the shower rooms at Harrow. Damn it, Norman, I went to a
mixed state school, actually! Well, whatever, the point is, I am not prepared to
sacrifice any of my staff in order to make your
department look lean and mean. I lived through the miner's
strike, Mr. Comerford, and you're not employing any
of those tactics on my pier. Bravo! The miner's strike? Have you gone mad? We haven't discussed
option three! Oh, we will. And you need to do some
serious Blue-skies thinking. [ upbeat music ] Blue-skies thinking,
gotta make a decision Be a man with a vision
and you'll never lose Blue-skies thinking, don't
look back, just believe it Take a chance, you'll achieve
it, but you have to choose Chairman:
Next item. Council intends to
explore the possibility of transferring the running
of the Pavilion Theater to commercial management. Blue-skies thinking, don't
be shy, don't be coy now You're a man, not a boy
now, there's a lot to prove Blue-skies thinking,
throw away inhibition Be a man with a mission,
time to make your move Mr. Comerford will
prepare a full report that will be taken
forward for consultation. Blue-skies thinking,
never mind the clich A chance to get
with the player, time
to strut your stuff Blue-skies thinking,
it's today, not tomorrow You can beg, steal or borrow,
if you play it rough That's all very well, George, but time and tide, you know. What? Time and... Listen, you're running
out of the former. Blue-skies thinking,
you may be a beginner If you act like a winner,
then you'll have the lot Blue-skies thinking, you
can drink at the Groucho Have your own casting couch,
oh, what a life you've got [ phone rings ] - Blue Skies Productions.
- Blue Skies Productions? You wanker. More like blue rinse. Now, old chap, let's
examine the situation, hm? You owe me money and
I'm a trifle miffed. You've got one week. Blue-skies thinking, what
a world you're creating No more wanting and
waiting, baby, this is it Blue-skies thinking, no,
you can't have too much You have a real Midas
touch, you only need a hit [ engaged tone ] And don't think of legging it, 'cause anywhere
short of Siberia, and my boys will find you. You know the place, then? You know it can be a bit like
Siberia at this time of year. You can? Great. Yes, see you then. It's as if you were
flying and you'll never stop Blue-skies thinking, yes,
I'm talking to you, sir As a showbiz seducer A dynamic producer
who has reached the top. A shout is what we
call an emergency. Cedric?
Sorry, have you seen Norman? He didn't come into
work yesterday. - Yes, he's upstairs.
- Oh, thanks. And we get about 20 in a year. What are you sulking about? I'm not sulking,
I'm brooding. Sulking, brooding,
what's the difference? George is only
trying to do his job. It's not his fault
that he's-- That he's a self-satisfied
graduate with a laptop? Just 'cause you
didn't go to university. I went to the
university of life. - It's nice, isn't it?
- Nice? She's beautiful. The most advanced boat
of its kind in the world. - Have you been out on it?
- No. You have to stop when you're
55, they won't insure you. - That's age discrimination.
- No, it's good sense. Can you imagine someone like
Cedric let loose on her? Or me? Or you. Your father was a
lifeboatman, wasn't he? He was a coxswain. Evening, Mom.
Is Dad back? I saw the boat go out. Norman, love. Your dad, he's... [ sobs ] A couple of silly,
stupid kids in a dinghy, fancy going out
in this weather. And now he's gone. He saved the kids. Should we go out for lunch? We're supposed to be working. We can call it
a lunch meeting. I do love lunch meetings. They're so
delightfully decadent. I hardly think that this-- Lobster and a nice dry Chablis might have been a
bit more enticing. And hardly justifiable
in these times of financial constraint. No. Now, you've had two months
on this theater business. Any progress? Blue Skies Productions
from London think they may have time
to take on the project. They're coming up tomorrow
to formulate a strategy. I see. Gently, tiger. Have you told Norman yet? Ah, yes. No. I was hoping you-- Do your dirty work for you? Well there's no point in
me trying to talk to him. - But he likes you.
- I'm sure he likes you. It's your... he has
an aversion to. All right, I'll had a word. But you owe me a
proper lunch next time. Coping without you, then? Just wait till they
hit real trouble. Did you ever hit real trouble? Honestly? No. I'd have been more at risk on
the children's boating lake. - Shall I take those?
- Thank you. Sandra, I've known you
all these years, but, tell me, what do you
do, socially, I mean, when you're not at the theater? Friends. Some very amateur life drawing,
and lots of singing. I'm in three choirs and
I'm quite good, actually. And looking after
Mother, of course. Boyfriends? A fiance, a long time ago. He died. Oh, I'm sorry, that's awful. Other boyfriends
over the years. But nothing ever
really worked out. They were probably
frightened off by Mother, or I was frightened off
by them. - Is your mother a monster?
- No, she's very frail. But she's a demanding old bag. I love her. I can't decide whether
I need her more than
she needs me. If things had gone differently,
I'm sure I wouldn't have felt any qualms about bunging
her in a home years ago, but, as it is,
I stayed where I am because I never had the
courage to take flight. I never had the
courage, either. Where would you have flown to? Who with? Oh, no one. Nowhere. Maybe I'll tell you sometime. It's all right, really. Why do you think it doesn't
happen for people like us? Taking flight. Maybe it just wasn't
supposed to happen. It's not a wasted
life, you know. Look around you. Lunch meeting? Well, we had a few
things to discuss. So we thought we'd,
you know, take a-- Of course! Mind if I join you? Please do. Now, Norman. I want to put a
proposition to you, and I want you to promise
not to go on the defensive. I promise. I want to bring someone in to help you with the
winter programming. - What?
- Norman. George has found a company,
Blue Skies Productions, that think they can increase
the off-season revenue. So the council are putting
the theater up for tender? Absolutely not,
there'll be no decision on an outside producer
for the time being. Pardon my naivety, but since we're supposed to be
in a parlous financial state, how are you gonna pay for this? Oh, we'll judiciously
tweak the folk dance grant. And George has sold
promenade franchise to an organic ice
cream business. So, that should
just about do it. Mr. Whipit isn't gonna
like the organic competition. He doesn't sell much at
this time of year as it is. George assures me
it's all agreed. It was all agreed with
the healthy smoothie stall and look what happened to that. I've never seen
flames shoot so high. Well, that'll be
George's problem. Your problem is whether you're
prepared to give this a try. Oh, I'll give it a try. But I reserve the right
to be sulky and difficult. You are neither
of those things. Now, the Blue Skies people
are arriving tomorrow, so it might be as well
to stay in for lunch. No doubt this bloke will
have a nuclear-powered laptop and a doctorate in artspeak. Norman, don't whinge. I'm not, I'm just saying-- You are whinging
and I won't have it. You're still the boss of the
theater, so kindly start being, bossy. - Cheers, Cedric.
- Oh, cheers. - Cheers.
- Bottoms up. So, when is the
new chap arriving? Bloody hell. What time did I go to
the toilet this morning? Hey, I only repeat information that's in the public interest. The public is not interested
in who runs the theater. But we are, Norman. We don't want things changing. Except for that
arty-farty stuff you do. What was that thing you put
on last winter, Pig whatsit? I believe you are
referring to Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw. That's the one. I had to leave at the interval. All those words. Mrs. Craske, you like
My Fair Lady, don't you? Oh, yes. It's my favorite musical. Which is closely
based on Pygmalion. Cedric: Oh, so what's
that Marriage of Figaro based on, then? The Marriage of
Figaro, by Beaumarchais. And is the play as
long as the opera? Only, half the audience missed
their last bus that night. Although strictly speaking
they'd all have fitted
in a taxi. Well I can't help it if
the people of this town are frightened by a
little dose of culture. Little dose? You mean like a social disease? [ chuckles ] Well, I should keep on trying. You carry on, son,
and we'll support you. Only, don't expect us to
come to your culture bashes. [ chuckles ] No, only joking. Look, you give us
something we know, and we'll come along to
something we don't know. Now, what could be
fairer than that? Well I'm sure
Mr. Blue Skies will give you plenty
of stuff that you know. - It's Eddie Richards.
- Well who's Eddie Richards? Mr. Blue Skies,
I Googled him. And didn't there used to be
a Richards at the theater - when you were a lad?
- No, that was Richardson. Teddy Richardson. Teddy Richardson? Teddy Richardson. Eddie Richards. Look, it's complicated,
I'll explain later. Well, that would be nice. So, Mr. Richards, you
two know each other? In a manner of speaking. So, why didn't you talk
to Norman after we'd spoken? - Well, it's been a while.
- 40 years! I thought it was
more appropriate to go through the
proper channels. - Do it official, like.
- Oh, very appropriate. Well, you two must have
lots of catching up to do. Let's leave them to it, George. George: We'll pick this
up tomorrow, then, yeah? Eddie: So, how's it goin'
then, Norman, old mate? Yeah, don't "old mate" me,
what are you doing here? I'm here to help you
spice up the winter season. Lend you a hand. Norman: And worm your way
into getting the contract to run this place? No, that's not
the idea at all. No, but the thought
must have crossed your mind. Oh, when George
first called, yeah. But when he said you
were running the gaff, I thought no more about it. Besides which,
I'm pretty busy. I can't imagine I'd have time
to be more than a sort of consultant. You know, I can't
really imagine you in the role of
consultant, Teddy. Eddie. - Troubleshooter, then.
- Trouble? Oh, yeah, you were always that. Eddie: Oh, come on. We were mates. That was a long time ago. A man with a past, eh? Richards, Richardson,
it's all very intriguing. Well everybody has a past. I agree. Some more colorful than others. There was a very odd vibe
between him and Norman. It will be fine, just
trust my judgment, please. Laura: It's my judgment
I'm concerned about. Nothing to do with me, Norman. A lot of dodgy characters
around here at the moment. I reckon that was
someone from London. We need to talk, Norman. Ice cream? - What, in this weather?
- Test of character. Two large ones, please. Actually, you have to talk. Why didn't you stay in touch
when you moved to London - all those years ago?
- I know, I'm sorry. You were gonna get me to
join you, it was all organized. I know, I know and
I'm sorry, I really am! I was fast-tracked into
theater management. [ man groans ] Who's he? I'd never even met
the Richardson gang. Just my luck, having
the same name. But I knew who Jack
the Hat McVitie was. - Who are ya?
- Teddy. - Teddy who?
- Teddy Richardson. Well you tell your uncles,
or your cousins, or whoever the fuck they are,
that Ronnie is disappointed! Do you know what that means? - I think so.
- "I think so." You tell 'em, or
I'll be back for you! [ sighs ] What a dump. And why I had to change
my name and lie low, which is why you
never heard from me. I mean, you've heard about
the Richardsons and the Krays? Yeah, I was living in Norfolk,
Eddie, not Outer Mongolia. Not exactly gangland,
but we do our best. Hey. [ Eddie sighs ] There you go. I know, and we're
dealing with it. We can't go any faster. Man:
I'm sure you can. Look, I don't have to
do this job, you know. Man:
Well, I do have
to do this job. I actually earn
my living from it and I need to be in the know. When Mr. Richards has
something to report, you'll be the first to know. Arsehole. [ sighs ]
Poor old Norman. - Where's Mr. Richards?
- I threw him off the pier. Well, kindly go
and rescue him. You owe it to yourself
to give him a chance. Yeah, it's not that easy. Yes, it is! Oh, is this a reprimand? Um... Yes. Well, in that case, I shall
overcome childish animosity and embrace Mr. Richards
as the prodigal returned. Saint Norman. And smugly smile as
he cons the lot of you and make a dog's dinner
of the whole thing. [ lively rock music ] That was great. Same time tomorrow, guys. Larry, this is Eddie Richards, who's gonna help me
plan the winter season. Pleased to meet you, Eddie. What's the band
still doing here? The season's finished. Oh, I let them rehearse
here when we're dark. I hope you charge 'em. [ chuckles ]
Of course you don't. They're good! - Where are they from?
- All over. Musical misfits who find
this place congenial. Blimey. - Are they union members?
- Yes. Pity. That Eddie Richards. - What about him?
- Interesting character. - In what way?
- "Eddie Richards. "Trading as Blue
Skies Productions. "Blue Sea Cruises, Blue
Ribbon Entertainments, "Blue Sound Records. "Contact Central London branch
before accepting engagements "from any of the
above companies." Musicians Union mag. Enjoy. [ phone keypad bleeps ] [ phone rings ] - Man: Hello.
- Musicians Union? Eddie: What other
music do you get here? A lot of tribute bands. - They can do well.
- Some do, some don't. We've had four different
ABBAs with musical talent in inverse proportion to the
height of their platform boots. We've had an Elvis who
sounded like Liza Minnelli and a Liza Minnelli who
looked like Alice Cooper. - And the audience?
- They don't like it. They might have an
average age of 80, but they're not idiots. Why can't you
get a better act? Because-- Because you don't
pay guarantees. A good act won't go for a
split of the box office. It's a vicious circle. What else have you tried? I've tried to raise the
stakes from time to time, small-scale opera,
the odd play, ballet. - And?
-[ Norman sighs ] I see, the turns
outnumber the audience? Not sure I can help too
much with the cultural bit. You surprise me. I worked with him. Rhodes, summer season. He booked four boy dancers. - And he didn't pay you?
- Oh, he paid us, in drachma. Which was a restricted currency. So we had to wrap the notes
in carbon paper and send them home, then cash them for
fourpence when we got back. [ sighs ]
But that isn't
the worst of it. Well, sounds
pretty bad to me. Drag. What? That creep Eddie Richards
didn't tell us we'd be in drag. Sequins, bloody ostrich
feathers, the lot. I have my pride,
you know. Oh, I know. Four months. Four months of shaving my
body, crushing my credentials and dancing behind Chantal, a Moroccan boy who'd
had a sex change. He did a tassel dance and
Eartha Kitt impressions. Thanks for this, Julian. You won't mention me, but one of the other boys in
Rhodes is now a tax inspector, and I bet he'd love to
have a go at Mr. Richards. [ phone rings ] [ phone rings ] - Hello.
- Laura, it's Sandra. I'm sorry to bother you at
home, have you got a moment? I'm a bit tied up
right now, but go on. You know I've been
trying to encourage Norman to cooperate with
Eddie Richards? Well, now I'm having
second thoughts. Such as? I've heard this rather
worrying story about drag acts. Drag acts? Yes, you know, sequins
and ostrich feathers. Ostrich feathers? Sandra, do you think
your feelings for Norman are biasing your judgment
about Mr. Richards? I don't have
feelings for Norman. I'm sorry, my
misunderstanding. But things are moving
rather rapidly. The council are determined to
tackle the theater deficit now so if Mr. Richards can
come up with a plan, I can calm things down. If not... Anyway, tell me your concerns. It's nothing,
you're probably right. I'm being overprotective
of Norman. Sorry to disturb you. Bye bye. Bye! Carry on. Excuse me. You're the new
theater chappy, then? Word gets about. - Where's Norman?
- Gone home, I think. - Are you friends of his?
- Friends and admirers. We're his loyal audience. Well in that case,
would you like a drink? - Don't mind if I do.
- Thought you'd never ask. [ chuckles ] Eddie Richards. Pleased to meet you, Miss? [ laughs ]
Mrs. Craske. And this is Cedric. You be nice to him, he gets
dangerous when he's had a few. Eddie: Thanks, I'll
bear that in mind. I do remember you. You were young Teddy. You used to flog
those pheasants. Always used to wonder
where you'd got 'em from. I don't remember that. It was all perfectly legal. It's Eddie now. Eddie, Teddy, Neddy,
whoever you are. I ought to tell you that
we're very loyal to Norman, and his theater. Well, it's not actually
Norman's theater. You know what I mean. We're not keen on change,
are we, ladies? Not at all. That's a relief, neither am I. I'm just here to look at
the winter programming. Nothing's gonna
happen overnight. Tell me. What would you like to
see in the winter season? - No plays.
- No opera. No ABBA. So, we know what
you don't want. What do you want? - I don't know.
- A bit of fun. - A bit of fun?
- Yes, fun. I've got lots of ideas. I don't suppose you'd like
to share those ideas with me? I might. Same again. On my tab. Man: Mrs. Craske, do you
want the prize or the question? Oh, I'll take the question. Right! George Michael is straight, gay, bisexual, or-- What in God's
name is going on? Eddie:
Morning, Norman! Do you know Andy Tarrant,
from Eastern Television? - I said, what's going on?
- A little experiment. Can't call it Who Wants
To Be A Millionaire, 'cause they'll sue us. Besides, we haven't
got that kind of dosh. So, we'll offer
dinner-for-two somewhere. I'm thinkin' of callin'
it Meal Or No Meal. [ Andy laughs ] - And what's she doing here?
- I'm the guinea pig! A lamb to the slaughter,
more like. Mr. Tarrant, I'm afraid you're
here under false pretenses. I suggest you go back to
reading the weather forecast and forget this ever happened! - Bloody Norman.
- What's wrong with him? I set him up a brilliant idea
that he immediately rubbished. Well, if at first
you don't succeed-- Oh, I will try again. The next one is a
sure-fire winner. This "sure-fire winner." Does it involve musicians? - Yes.
- But not paying them? What are you trying to get at? Boy dancers, will
you be using any? Sort of boy dancers, yes. And only telling them
they have to be in drag, - after they have signed up.
- Drag? Do you know a lot of
people in our business? Not really. Information is easy to come by. The drag thing was a mistake.
It was a long time ago. - And the Musicians Union?
- What about them? You said yourself, you don't
many people in our business, so you probably
wouldn't understand that a successful project
takes a while to develop. It has to be nurtured, budgets
have to be triple-checked, artists have to be
chosen carefully. You've got a week. Right. And if you do anything
to upset Norman, you'll regret it. Right. Right, well I'm off back to
the hotel to do some work. If Norman wants to talk
in a civilized manner, that's where I'll be,
in the Alma Cogan Suite. I used to know her. Nice girl. Not my type. - [ jazzy piano music ]
- [ indistinct chatter ] It's a nice place
you've got here. Your husband must do well. A true voice of feminism. Actually, all my
husbands did well. - Particularly the last one.
- Oh, what did he do, then? - He was in oil.
- Oh, what was he, a sardine? Anyway. Tell me, how are
things progressing? - Steaming along.
- Good. Time is of the essence. It always is in our business,
George, mate, it always is. Of course, shows
have to be planned. I'm sure they do,
but George is right. Things need to happen fast. Any hint as to when
you'll be presenting
your initial proposal? Any day now. I'm working on this
idea, it's a corker. Now, you must have
seen that film-- [ "Pop Goes the Weasel"
ringtone chimes ] Excuse me. With pleasure. Do keep us posted. - Richards, where are you?
- Siberia. Funny. You can run, you piece of
shit, but you can't hide. Sort it. - Laura.
- Laura: Sandra. I used to have a dress
exactly like that. Where did you get it? - A charity shop.
- Oh. Right. Well, you look fantastic. I try to make an effort. Is Norman coming tonight? He was invited. Did he not say anything to you? I've not seen a lot of
him in the past few days. Perhaps it's best
he's not here. I haven't told anyone else
yet, but it's official now. Unless he can clear the
deficit by Christmas, it'll be curtains,
as they say. The theater will be closed
and put out to tender. I'm really sorry. [ funky electronic music ] Oh, this is great,
boys, this is great! Get ready, get ready,
twirl and twirl and twirl! And go! Keep the line, keep the line! Let go! That's it! - Oh, morning, Norman.
- [ music stops ] Brilliant idea, eh? Despite the tourists
guzzling most of the crab, these gentlemen are
still employed fishermen, not unemployed steelworkers. Robbie Craske, does your
mother know about this? Well, it's her idea, Norman. Ah, well I might
have known it. Daniel. Does your father approve of
you getting your kit off? He ought to,
he's here himself. Won't be much crabbing
happening from now on, will there, Paul? What's the missus
gonna think about that? Well, she'll like the
money from this, Norman. - Paying you well, is he?
- We're on a percentage. Oh, well that's
all right, then. You, Mark, your
girlfriend happy about you displaying the ol'
meat and veg in public? I ain't got nothin' to
be ashamed of, Norman. I'm sure you haven't,
but you know what it's like on the boat when
it gets very cold, how everything seems to shrivel? Yeah. Well, it's just
like that on stage. Very drafty places, stages. Especially those perched
above the North Sea. Don't you listen to him,
son, the lights are warm-- Would you like to go to
my office, Mr. Richards? We need to have a little chat. Traitor. Only trying to help. Well help these poor saps
into their coats, then, and back into the boats. Thank you, gentlemen. The audition is now over. Generous supplies of crab and
lobster throughout next season might just persuade me to keep
my mouth shut about today. God. What the bloody hell was
that farrago all about? I was just
humoring Mrs. Craske. Keeping the regulars
happy, all that. You rotten sod. You won't even
take responsibility for the ideas that you steal. I would have done
if you'd liked it.
[ chuckles ] That was a joke. Look, I'm here
to do a job. It's not easy if you
won't get involved! We live in different worlds. I suspect we always did. What do we do, then? You carry on making
an arse of yourself. I'm off for a few days. Bloody hell, Norman. Of course. [ high-pitched voice ]
Double Take Agency! - Barry?
- Richards. You got my money? - Not exactly.
- You toerag. I told you-- But, I have had an idea that will make us
both a lot of money. Piss off. - Barry, trust me.
- [ Barry laughs ] [ coughs ] Oh, well, at least you
started my day with a laugh. You've got one minute. What do you want? Alma Cogan. A bit late, she's
been dead 40 years. Yeah, ha ha. I want an Alma Cogan
tribute artist. Try Madame Tussauds. Seriously, Barry, I'm doing
a bit of consultancy work at this funny little place
up on the East Coast. Now I tell you, the audience
here is old enough to remember her mother. Consultancy work? You tosser. Still, it's not a bad idea. Alma was bloody good. It's a tragedy she
popped off so young. Exactly. So, I need you to
organize a cattle call. Find me Alma Cogan, you know,
aged about 30, the real deal. Think about it, Barry, all
those geriatric audiences that think that civilization died
when rock and roll was born. I have thought about it. You get me my money and quick. You're quick, or you're dead. Do you get it? [ phone rings ] [ high-pitched voice ]
Double Take Agency! Just putting you through. [ knocks ] Sandra, what are
you doing here? What are you doing here,
are you ill? Won't you sit down? Look, I'm sorry for
banging on your door, but you weren't at the
party last night and, and then you disappeared this
morning, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine! I just don't think me and
Eddie being in the same place is a very good idea. He's trying to
save the theater. Norman: He's trying
to run the theater. If someone doesn't
do something, there won't be a theater to run. What do you mean? If you'd been at the party, Laura would have
told you herself. The deficit has to be
cleared by Christmas or the council
will close us down. Ah, they wouldn't do that. Get your bloody head
out of the sand, Norman. I'm sorry, I'm just concerned. And I appreciate your concern. It's just that I know
how this is gonna play. George thinks that Eddie is
some kind of Cecil B. DeMille, so I'm gonna take some
of the holiday I'm owed, and leave him to it. You're not listening. Laura was serious last night. It's political scaremongering. Why don't you take a
few days off as well? Why? No particular reason. I could teach you to shoot duck. Damn you, Norman! Everyone has a place
at the end of the day Everyone has the choice
whether to go or stay Sometimes you have
to choose It's not a matter
of win or lose Just that it's sometimes
better to walk away So open your mind You'll understand The new world you'll find Here in wonderland Here in wonderland Alma Cogan. A-L-M-A. Hello, Rupert,
how old are you? Rupert, put your
dad on, will ya? Of course she's gonna
be able to sing. That's the whole
point, isn't it? I'm looking for an Alma
Cogan, you got any girls? How many can you do me? Early next week
I'm looking for. Yeah. No. No. Uh. [ sighs ] Too young. No chance, no chance whatsoever. [ sighs ] So open your mind You'll understand The new world you'll find Here in wonderland - [ phone rings ]
- Here in wonderland Checkmate. Nobody has the answers,
it's all up to you Nobody else can know
what you are going through Better to go than fight It's not a matter
of wrong or right Just give yourself some
time, you'll know what to do So open your mind You'll understand The new world you'll find Here in wonderland Here in wonderland So open your mind You'll understand The new world you'll find Here in wonderland Here in wonderland. Thanks, folks. Concert at 7:30, be
back at seven, please. Norman! What a nice surprise. I was just passing,
so I thought... - Have you enjoyed your break?
- Very much. Although, I would
have preferred... - Have you enjoyed your, um--
- Non-break? It's been fine, thank you. Any chance of you popping
back to the theater sometime? Next week, definitely. Good. And you'll try to be
reasonable with Eddie Richards? - He's working very hard.
- Absolutely. Look, I'll see you Monday. Would you like to
stay for the concert? Richards! I've got something for you. Barry. No, I don't have your money. I don't have my Alma. Just do whatever
you have to do. It couldn't make
things any worse. Where is he, then? Oh, I'm sure
he'll be here soon. I can't wait to see what
he's got lined up for us. Well, I'm giving
him five minutes. Oh relax, George, you
can't rush these things. Indeed, you can't. Sorry to keep you
waiting, folks. We're on the
edge of our seats. What's it to be today,
Eddie, wife-swapping? Nude fishermen
wrestling in the mud? I admit the male
strippers may have been - a bit of a mistake.
- Oh, surely not. But, I have really got
a treat for you today. The audience is fed up with
the same old tribute acts. And let's not beat
about the bush. Your core punters are
somewhat on the elderly side. So, I got my old mate,
Barry Bates there, find me the most successful
British female pop star of the 50s and early 60s. And given that I've been
sleeping in her bed, as it were, I'm surprised I didn't
think of her before. Anyway. I guarantee that 99%
of your winter audience will be bathed in a warm
glow of reminiscence when they see this young lady. Allow me to
introduce, Alma Cogan! [ "Jada" by Alma Cogan ] Jada, jada Jada jada, jing jing jing Jada, jada Jada jada,
jing jing jing It's a funny little melody But it's so soothing
and appealing to me It goes jada, jada Jada jada,
jing jing jing Now you may think
this a funny tune But it's more fun than
on the moon with June Everybody singing
this crazy song Now lose your inhibitions,
now come along And sing a jada, jada Jada jada,
jing jing jing Now you're doin' it Jada, jada Jada jada,
jing jing jing Oh, it's a simple
little melody So come on everybody
and sing it with me It goes jada, jada Jada, jada, jing, jing Jada, jada, jing, jing Jada, jada Jing jing jing Ja, ja Jada - [ Eddie laughs ]
- [ applause ] Eddie: Thanks, guys! Come on down, Alma. You might call her
by her real name. Believe it or not,
that is her real name. Alma Collins. My mom was nuts
about Alma Cogan. My dad loved Alma Cogan, too. So, I remember her. You're uncannily like her. And she knows all
the old songs, too. I never thought I'd get to
use them professionally though. Oh, you will. All over the country,
starting here. And we've lined up Cathy Kirby,
Lita Roza, Ann Shelton. We'll have a season,
then a national tour of pre rock and roll stars, and the theater
gets a percentage. Ridiculous! Does anybody else think that? Get down off your
artsy pedestal, mate. You're no different
from the rest of us. You shit in the
morning, don't you? Mind you, since you're so
full of shit, maybe you don't. Why can't you
leave the past alone? Bloody hell. No pleasing some people. Anyway, let's get busy,
I wanna cover the town with posters, I want
local radio, newspapers. I want to open in a week. Norman. What's the matter? I know that you and Eddie
don't exactly see eye-to-eye, but that girl seemed
very good. Mind you, I don't really
remember Alma Cogan. Well, I do. She ruined my life. What do you mean? Alma Cogan played here
one night at this theater
in 1964. She was amazing. Glamorous, sexy, funny. And with that wonderful voice. "The girl with the
laugh in her voice." That's what she was
known as. And she seemed to be laughing
'cause she was having such a good time
on that stage, and she wanted to share
it with every one of us. When all is said and done We've got twice the blessings
and we've got twice the fun 20 tiny fingers 20 tiny toes Two angel faces Each with a turned up nose One looks like Mommy With a cute
little curl on top And the other one's
got a big bald spot After the show, we went round to her dressing
room to ask for her autograph. [ knocks ] Come in, mind the frocks. Miss Cogan,
I'm sorry to disturb,
I just want to tell you I thought you were
wonderful tonight. Thank you. What a sweet thing to say. Would you, would you
mind signing this for me? I could do better than that. What's your name? Norman. There you are. Now perhaps you
could do me a favor. - Are you leaving now?
- Oh yes, yes, sorry. No, silly. I didn't mean go away, it's
just that my lot have all gone off to catch last
orders at the pub. Would you mind walking
me back to my hotel? Oh, yes, I'd be delighted. Give me two minutes, then. I thought there
would be fans waiting
at the stage door, but it was deserted. We walked along the
pier and chatted. It was all very natural. [ chuckles ]
Me, with the biggest
female star of the day. I've never done an end
of the pier show before. My agent said the
Pavilion Theater. He didn't mention I'd
be halfway to Siberia. You must feel
a bit let down. I don't allow things
like that to worry me. - The audience was happy.
- They were thrilled! I don't remember anyone
getting such a good reception. How long have you
worked at the theater? Five years,
since I left school. - I lived here my whole life.
- With your parents? Unfortunately, yes. There's nothing wrong with
living with your family. I live with my mom's
sister, it's fun. Maybe, but at least you
know you don't have to. I haven't got an option. You've got a point. Norman:
When we got to the hotel,
she invited me in for a drink. Do you enjoy touring? Coming to funny little
places like this? I'd sooner be playing
the Talk of the Town,
if I'm honest. But you can't do that
52 weeks a year. A girl has to work. But you must have earned
loads from all your records. Oh, sorry, that was a
bit rude, wasn't it? No, it's all right. The thing is, Norman. I haven't had a hit record for, well, a while. And the money soon goes. Anyway, I love performing and I'll do it as
long as they want me. And then? I don't know. Settle down? Get married. Have children. I don't know. Let's have another drink. Norman:
I was very naive. But I got the sense that she
was rather lonely and sad. She weren't bubbly anymore. Perhaps performing in a place
that she probably wouldn't have played a few
years previously was the fact that her
career might be finite. Anyway, as I said,
I was naive, and when she asked
me up to her room, the Alma Cogan Suite,
as it is now... Did you? I've never told a living
soul what happened that night. I'm very honored. You mustn't think that she
was some sort of nymphomaniac devouring lusty
young bits of rough. For a start, I wasn't
exactly Marlon Brando. It's just that she was
lonely and I was sympathetic. So? Get onto the interesting bit. Sorry, sorry. It's just you as a toyboy. You have to admit,
it's a bit unexpected. What happened next
was pretty unexpected,
I can tell you. Go on. - I can't!
- You can't stop now! - I couldn't stop then!
- [ chuckles ] You don't mean-- - Yes!
- [ Norman moans ] - It's all right.
- No, it's not all right! [ Norman and Sandra laugh ] I'm really, really
sorry about that. That's never happened
to me before. - Well, actually--
- It's all right. I'm sure it hasn't. And I'm flattered. Come and sit down. Norman, I think you're
a really nice young man. I'm going to suggest
that you go now, not because I don't like you, but because I'm
really quite tired and I have to leave
early tomorrow. Take this. If you're ever in London, I want you to promise
that you'll call. - Promise.
- I promise. We can go out
somewhere nice and get to know each
other a little better. I'd like that very much. Good. And I'll write to you
at the theater. Norman:
And she did. A few weeks later,
I got a postcard. She was on tour in Germany. - So did you go and see her?
- I was too scared. You see, there was always
stories in the papers about the parties
that Alma threw. She knew everyone,
The Beatles, Lionel Bart,
Noel Coward. I knew I'd be hopelessly
out of my depth. A sort of country
bumpkin mascot. So, I decided that I would
do something about that. I did what I'd never had
a chance to do at school. I read the classics,
I went to plays, concerts, art galleries,
anything I could. It wasn't easy,
living up here, but I soon to came to see
that my life had become immeasurably richer. I was like Eliza Doolittle. I started out wanting
the flower shop, and now I was
ready for the ball. But you still
didn't go to London? I was all set to go and
then my dad got killed in the lifeboat
and that was that. I couldn't leave Mom,
she was in deep shock. So was I, I suppose. And then, one morning,
about a year later, I came to realize that
all this self-improvement was a complete waste of time. - Well, I never.
- What? - It's young Teddy Richardson.
- Where? In the paper! "Alma Cogan records
Beatles hits. "Alma, pictured at
Abbey Road Studios
with John and Paul "and Paul's girlfriend
Jane Asher." And there's Teddy. He's a bit young for
Alma Cogan, isn't he? - Oh, the rotten bastard!
- Norman! He's your friend. He was my friend. But the thought of
him with Alma... You were in love
with her. In love with Alma Cogan? Was I? I don't know. She was kind to me. And I know I was obsessed
with her, but in love? I think I was in love
with what she represented. A girl from a very ordinary
background who took flight. Not in the sense
of running away, but doing what she
felt passionate about. And then Teddy
sneaked in there. And 40 years later, returns to the theater and
brings her back to life. To rub salt in the wound, ends up staying in the
bloody Alma Cogan Suite. Wait a minute, Norman. When Eddie told me that that
was where he was staying, he said he'd known Alma Cogan, and that she wasn't
his type at all. She never had an affair
with Eddie Richards. What do I do now? Your job? - [ band warms up ]
- [ muffled chatter ] Just watch the step. - [ audience applauds ]
- [ audience cheers ] [ "Hold Your Hand Out
Naughty Boy" by Alma Cogan ] Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy Last night, underneath
the pale moonlight I saw you I saw you With a new girl in the park You were strollin',
full of joy And you told me you
never kissed a girl before Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy - No, no.
- [ audience laughs ] Hold your hand out Oh, you naughty boy Hold your hand out Such a naughty,
naughty boy Last night, underneath
the pale moonlight I saw you, I saw you Everybody saw you with
a new girl in the park And you were strollin',
full of joy And you told me you
never kissed a girl before Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy Hold your hand out,
you naughty boy Hold your hand out You naughty, naughty,
naughty, naughty boy. [ applause ] [ cheers ] - [ phone beeping ]
- [ bell rings ] [ "Bell Bottom Blues"
by Alma Cogan ] I got the bell bottom blues
'cause my sweetie is a sailor And he's sailing
somewhere on the sea I got the bell bottom blues
'cause I'm crazy About a sailor
and I don't know-- - Is there a shout on?
- It's bad. - They can't get the crew!
- Well, I'd better go. No, you're too old,
the insurers will never
cover ya! I'm not too bloody old and
to hell with the insurance. You take me on a date I got the bell bottom blues
while the other girls-- Don't worry, Cedric. I just around the
living room and wait I wonder if he's lookin' at
the same moon I'm lookin' at Every night I'm
lookin' at the moon I know that if
he's prayin' for The same thing
I'm prayin' for We'll be together soon I got the bell bottom blues,
just a-waitin' for a letter Heaven knows I'm
as lonely as can be I got the bell bottom blues,
but I won't be feeling better Till my sailor boy
comes sailin' home to me... Norman. It's Sandra, I'm sorry I
can't be with you, but-- Cedric:
Sandra, it's Cedric. Norman's left his phone,
on the boat. What? The lifeboat,
we're short on crew. It's a bit nasty. It's two kids in a dinghy. I got the bell bottom blues
'cause my sweetie is a sailor And he's sailing
somewhere on the sea I got the bell bottom blues 'Cause I'm crazy
about a sailor And I don't know when
he's comin' back to me I wonder if he's lookin' at
the same moon I'm lookin' at Every night I'm
lookin' at the moon I know that if
he's prayin' for The same thing
I'm prayin' for We'll be together soon You all right, love? I'm fine, thanks. They'll be quite
a while, you know. I'd like to wait here,
if that's allowed. Of course. Would you like to come into
the office, it's warmer? No, I'll stay here,
thank you. As you like. I'll bring you a
cup of tea, then. Thanks. Hey. He'll be fine. He knows what he's doing. And I won't be feelin'
better till my sailor boy Comes sailing home to me. - [ applause ]
- [ cheers ] Norman! [ laughs ] - I'm all right.
- [ laughing ] Promise me,
no more heroics. Never again. Look, there's one thing
I need to clear up. Eddie, did you ever have
an affair with Alma Cogan? Oh, Norman. Well, it's difficult to
remember after all these years. No, it isn't. Oh, yeah. No! I was nuts about Jane Asher! I chased her all over town. For some reason, she preferred
that Paul McCartney bloke. Well, in that case,
I've decided to take
early retirement. I'm burying the hatchet, Eddie. If you want the job,
I'll support you. What in God's name has this
got to do with Alma Cogan? Nothing, really,
and everything. The point is,
it's time to go. George: Eddie? Well, I'll have to
consult with my... When do I start? Well, now, I suppose. But Norman, is this
what you really want? I've never been
more sure of anything. I'm handing my
notice in as well. I'll wait till
after the funeral,
but then I'll be off. George: What will you do? I'm thinking of traveling. Going on a cruise. Then, we'll see. Now, I'd like to go and see how they're getting
on at the boathouse. And I've
got a tour to book. [ chuckles ] All right, probably
won't see me for a while. Okay. You kept pretty quiet
about your travel plans. I've been thinking
about it for a while. Probably took Mother passing
on to prod me into action. But you'll come back? I don't know. You could come with me. Oh, I don't know. You're taking flight. I'd just be running away. You really don't remember me? I don't. What? Loretta? The Revuebar? The routine with the
ostrich feathers. Oh, my God. You married that agent,
the one who, uh-- Preferred boys. I did better subsequently. Obviously. I'm in shock. When did you recognize me? As soon as I saw you. All the girls used
to fancy you, you know? Oh, well-- Back then. Have I changed that much? I have. Does anybody up here
know that you were a-- Dancer? No. I shall have to rely
on your discretion. Mum's the word. Loretta, I think you and I
are gonna get along famously. Norman: George! You've been disconnected. How are you functioning? It's all up here, Norman. Bye. See? Even George
has it worked out. - It's all up here.
- Yeah. You can do anything
you want to now. That's just the problem. [ applause ] Thank you. I'd like to finish by
thanking my wonderful band who bravely elected to forego
the joys of the East Coast of England in winter for
cruising on the Caribbean. [ laughter ] This song was made famous by
the late and greatly missed Alma Cogan, and
it's dedicated to someone who finally learned
how to take flight. Blow me a kiss
from across the room Say I look nice
when I'm not Touch my hair as
you pass my chair Little things mean a lot Give me your arm as
we cross the street Call me at six on the dot A line a day when
you're far away Little things mean a lot You don't have to buy
me diamonds and pearls Champagne, sables and such I never cared much
for diamonds and pearls 'Cause honestly, honey They just cost money Alma Cogan:
Give me your hand
when I've lost the way Give me your
shoulder to cry on Whether the day
is bright or gray Give me your heart
to rely on Send me the warmth
of a secret smile To show me
you haven't forgot For now and forever That's always and ever Little things mean a lot Give me your hand
when I've lost the way Give me your
shoulder to cry on Whether the day
is bright or gray Give me your heart
to rely on Send me the warmth
of a secret smile To show me
you haven't forgot For now and forever That's always and ever Little things mean a lot