In the Army Now (1994) Movie Script
Well, uh,
here's lookin'at you...
- pilgrim.
- Laughing.
- So, Jack, this is good.
- What are we gonna do tonight?
You know what?
I was gonna ask you.
- Can Gabriella hook me up with her, uh...
- Oh, you know what?
She's got this new friend
she met the other day at the mall.
- Her name is Rosa.
- Yeah?
- She's Spanish. Espanol.
- Si, si, senor.
But the only thing-
Wow, watch out for that.
The thing is, Rosa,
she's kind of dumb.
Watch out for the water.!
Water, water.! Aah.!
Whoa.!
- She's kinda like, she's kinda like... large.
- That's good for me.
Bones, look out.!
You're gonna get killed.!
If it's too hot for ya, son,
get outta the kitchen.
This is war.
No room for the faint ofheart.
When you're in the heat ofbattle,
and you lean down...
and put your hand
in a puddle of goo...
that two seconds before
was your friend's face...
that is war, son,;
now that is war.!
This right here?
This is just a game.
- Look at this road right here. See that?
- Hop it.
Boom.! Watch this.
Doin'great.
- That's nice.
- See how I just blow those guys?
- Look. Now there's the thing.
- Look up! Look up!
No, on the-
Ooh.
Game over.
You are dead.
Shouldn't we get back to work?
I'm working. Look, I'm testing out
new products.
What are you so paranoid for, anyways?
Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
Quinn's gonna fire your ass
from this place.
Do you think I'm scared
of that- What is he?
He looks like Lurch.
Hey, I'm Quinn.
- Are you afraid of him?
- No.
Bones?
Quinn's lookin' for you.
I told him you were
playin' video games.
Hold this, okay? I gotta do somethin'.
Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
This is all for you.
See all the money I'm savin'?
Wow, Quinn, look at you!
You're lookin' fantastic!
Is that a new suit?
It's got to be Armani.
Oh, it's J.C. Penney.
At least you wear it well.
Is that Brut I smell?
What did we say about
leaving the sales floor?
You told me not to,
and I won't.
If this place catches fire,
I'm sellin' tape decks to the firemen.
You're not selling anything
to anybody!
- That's why we're letting you go.
- Where?
- Home.
- No, no, Quinn. Hey, you can't fire me.
C'mon! I'm a Crazy Boy!
I'm a dedicated Crazy Boy.
- Bones, let's not drag this out.
- Quinn, look. C'mon. Please.
My rent's due. My mom needs
another tummy tuck. Please.
- No, Bones. No, not this time.
- Please, there's a lot of personal-
Please don't let me go,
Quinn. I could be crazier.
Let go of my leg!
I could be totally insane!
- Bones, let go of my leg.
- Bones, you have a customer waiting.
You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn.
I have a customer...
a customer who evidently
asked for me by name.
- Hi.! May I help you, miss?
- Yes.
You sold me this Watchman last week,
and I have to return it.
I knew you'd be returning it.
It's too small. It'll ruin your eyesight.
Besides, I could tell
the one you really want is this one.
This is our
top-of-the-line.
Our very best 35"
projection stereo color monitor...
with advanced
super-digital P-in-P.
I'm sorry.
That's way out of my price range.
Not with our $200 rebate,
no money down...
ten-month deferred,
64-month layaway plan.
You ask yourself,
"How could it be?" Right?
Because-a we're-a
Crazy Boys!
- Sorry, they make us do that.
- That's a very nice offer, but-
- Plus this screen promotes good eyesight.
- Really?
Four out of five optometrists
recommend it.
Okay,
I'll take it.
Okay, fantastic.
I'm gonna take this to the cashier,
and I'm gonna arrange everything.
Thank you very much.
- ... needed for a carryout.
- Huh?
Hmm? C'mon. Am I not
still a Crazy Boy?
That is Brut I smell,
you pervert.
Heh-heh-heh.
Bones!
C'mon.
Shh. Coming.
Friends of both parties...
have been making frequent
appearances at the courthouse all day.
Gabriella,
you were outstanding.
Yeah, right. This is the last time
I save your butt, okay?
- I work too, you know.
- I know. It was an emergency.
- The guy was about to fire me.
- It's always an emergency.
- They better take that TVback.
- They're gonna take it back.
Now, how 'bout giving
your little Italian sausage man...
a little kissy-pooh?
The U.S. has
issued strong warnings-
You are so irresponsible!
Can't you be serious
for one minute?
Okay, I'll be serious.
Let's get naked.
Not now!
Not here!
- Why? Don't you love me anymore?
- Yes.
Of course I love you.
But look,your boss
is gonna catch us.
I don't care about that perverted fatso
in a J.C. Penney suit.
Bones!
Jack, turn it off!. Turn it off!.
Turn it off!.
Well, uh-
I can't believe
he actually fired us.
Bones, we blew up
22 TV sets.
- Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
- I'm sorry, man.
- I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all of those TVs.
- No problemo, my friend.
I was sick of gettin' down on my knees
for that guy, anyway...
Whoa!
Bones, I had no idea.
- begging for my job.
- I know.
You know what,Jack? This is amazing.
You know what this does?
- Yeah.
- This brings us one step closer...
to the... store.
No, no, no. What this does is bring us
one step closer to living in the Dumpster.
How are we gonna get rent for the store
if we don't have rent for our apartment?
Excuse me.
Can we play through?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Sorry, we were
just discussing-
- Hey! - Oh,
my god! - Army!
Navy.! Air Force.!
Marines.!
No.
Did you order a code red?
Answer me!
Did you order
a code red, man?
You want the truth?
You can't handle the truth.
Yea.!
He's goofin' off.
C'mon, Bones.
- Wow, that was my Nicholson impression.
- Good.
I do it sometimes
when I play golf.
- Bones, c'mon, man!
- I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
When you join the Army, is it true
you have to give your whole life away?
- Nah. It's nothin' like that with us.
- We're in the Reserves.
What's that?
Let's just get
this straight here.
After our basic training, we owe you
two weeks a year and one weekend a month...
for which we get paid.
And on top of it, you're gonna throw in
$2,500 just for signing up?
Basically, yes.
Wow! Then how come everybody
isn't in the Reserves?
Do people actually know
about this stuff?
Well, we do try
to advertise.
Oh, yeah.
"It's not a job, it's an adventure. "
No, that's the Navy.
- "The few and the proud"?
- No, that's the Marines.
Hmm. "Keep going,
going and gone"?
- No, no. That's the, um, Energizer bunny.
- Gentlemen.
We're,
"Be all you can be. "
# In the Ar-Army #
You need us,
and we need you.
It's a win-win situation.
I got one more question.
Could I get a pen?
Oh, no. Actually, could
we just have a second...
- uh, amongst ourselves?
- Certainly.
Take all the time
you need.
Just hold
that ballpoint.
Whew.!
- Just one-
- C'mere.
This is insane!
"Why doesn't everybody join?"
- Weren't you listening to him in there?
- Shh.
- It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
- You're going nuts.
We are the beneficiaries. We get
a guaranteed check for eight years...
- and a special skill.
- A special skill? Yeah, yeah.
- Look at the pamphlets.
- Yeah, here we go.
- "Land Combat Missile Op"?
- Opportunities!
"Tactical Fire
Specialist"?
You heard him talkin'
about combat pay.
You have to be in combat to
get paid for that, right?
He said Reserves aren't called up
unless there's a major conflict.
- When was the last war, huh? World War ll?
- Yeah!
- No!
- Twenty years ago.
Have you ever heard
of Vietnam, huh?
- Desert Storm? No?
- Uh-uh.
- What?
- I'm kidding. Gimme the brochure.
- We're gonna go to the Unemployment Office.
- Just let me see.
Let me just check. "Tank Turret Repair,
Land Mining Specialist. "
"Water purification"?
Water purification!
- That's it.
- What?
Water purification.
I'm telling you, it's a snap.
My brother's a pool man. Look, you take
dirty water and you make it clean.
- How hard can that be?
- I don't know.
And if there is a war,
what are we gonna go in there with?
Water balloons?
- That's- I mean- But, but-
- Jack.
- Yeah?
- This is for our future, okay?
If we can sign up now,
we get a guaranteed check for $2,500.
If you times that
times two... Wow!
- Rrrrip! Ahh! That's $6,000.
- That's nice.
- I know. Yeah.
- It's a nice chunk of change.
- But, hey.
- This is for our store.
- Yeah.
- Look, I'll even give you first billing.
- You don't have to do that.
- No, no. "Jack's...
- and Bones's Palace of Stereos. "
- Ooh!
- Let's just do it.
- All right. Let's do it.
Oh, yes!
# Get a haircut
and get a real job #
# Clean your act up
and don't be a slob #
# Get it together
like your big brother Bob #
# Why don't you get a haircut
and get a real job #
#I need to try
that 9:;00 to 5:;00 scene #
#I told myself that
it was all a bad dream #
#I found a band
and some good songs to play #
- #Party all night and sleep all day #
- Hi. Um-
See, everybody knows me
for my hair.
What I need you to do
is just a little bit on the side.
Not a whole bunch.
Kinda keep it like it's still-
I'd like to see you in something short
but sassy. A real '90s look.
Something that works as well
on the rifle range as it does in the disco.
Okay.
That's perfect.
# Get a haircut
and get a real job ##
All right.
Aaaah!
- Does my head- I mean, look at it.
- I don't know. Yeah.
Does it look bigger
than it did be-
- I mean, do I look like a baked potato?
- Honestly?
- Yeah, honestly.
- I-It looks great. It really does.
- Really! Really?
- Really!
- It looks... macho.
- All right!
Look at these, man.
Look at these.
- Army issue.
- See, I think those are unique.
- Idiotic!
- No, those are unique.
- You're distinctive. No one has them.
- Really?
- You're keen. One of a kind.
- All right!
They broke the mold
when they made you,Jack.
Bones, I can't-
I can't do it.!
- Jack, come on. You can do it.
- I can't do it, man!
This is just like
your childhood, remember?
Yeah, you're right.
That guy is exactly like my dad.
See? C'mon!
Wait a minute, though!
My childhood sucked!
No, I can't do it, man.
I can't-
I can't handle being yelled at by some...
muscle-bound drill sergeant.
No, man.
I can't do it.
Get the hell off
the truck!
Oh, whoa.
She can drill me
anytime.
On the double, right now!
Come on!
- Move it! Move it!
- Hello, Sweet Pants.
Get down here!
Get down!
- Oh, rough stuff. Hi.
- And take those glasses off!.
- What'd you think? You're on some beach or somethin'?
- No.
- What's your name, Private?
- Bones Conway, reportin' for duty, sir!
I mean, ma'am,
sergeant, whatever.
You will address me
as Drill Sergeant.
Do you understand?
Yes, but you don't need to yell,
'cause look, I'm standing right here.
I'm not yellin' at you, Private.
Drill sergeants do not yell.
We simply speak in a voice loud enough
so everyone can hear.
That way we all learn
from each other's mistakes.
Okay.
Thanks for explaining it.
From here on out,
your butt is mine.
You will obey
every order...
without question!
Grunt!
Oh, you're a funny boy, huh?
A cutie pie, right?
Well, I don't know ya,
but I don't even like ya.
And I make it my personal mission
to turn you into a soldier.
For the next eight weeks, I'll be all over
your butt like white on rice!
Is that a promise?
Give me 20!
- Well, my wallet-
- Drop and give me 20!
- Here, hold these. - You better get
on the ground and give me them push-ups.
Agh!
It's been a while.
All the way up and down,
right?
- Pump!
- Pump.
One!
Is that good?
Get up!
Get up!
Everybody up!
On your feet. Off the racks right now,
sleepin' beauties.
Get your butt
off that... rack.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Get up!
- I'm up. I'm up.
I'm up!
Extend to the left!
Extend to the left!
Forward!
All right...
privates, on command
begin like the last drills.
Run in place.
When I say go... go!
- Jack?
- Yeah?
Where'd the sun go?
There is no sun
anymore, Bones.
The sun is gone.
We died,
and this is hell.
Oh, okay. Thanks
for explaining it.
Private, you've got that weapon
around backwards.
Oh.
Thanks.
- See the picture on the front of this weapon?
- Uh-huh.
It's put there
for privates like you.
It's idiot proof.
Seven, Drill Sergeant!
Agh!
The gig line runs down
the seam of your shirt...
through the edge of your belt buckle,
down the seam of your zipper.
This is
a straight gig line.
See it...
learn it...
do it.
From here on out...
anyone without
a straight gig line...
will have
to answer to me.
Conway,
what the hell is this?
Drill Sergeant, I guess my gig line
needs straightening, huh?
Ah!
Ooh!
Thank you,
Drill Sergeant!
Don't thank me.
Thank your recruiter.
C'mon, boy! C'mon!
You can't do it!
- I know you can't do it!
- Aah!
There are two types ofbayonet fighters:;
the quick and the dead.
- What are you?
- Quick!
- What are they?
- Dead!
- What are you?
- Quick!
- What are they?
- Dead!
- Any volunteers?
- Yeah!
- What are you, crazy?
- I sure am.
I'm a cr... azy boy!
Hello!
- Conway.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Come here.
- I'm on my way.
Whoo!
- Hi.
- Hit me.
Let's not fight.
C'mere.
Hit me
or you'll be sorry!
I can't hit you.
You're a girl. And...
I love you.
You got two seconds
to hit me.
- Okay, but this is gonna hurt.
- Any other volunteer?
Oh, shit!
I'm sorry.
- I was just gonna-
- I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
- Never...
- Ooh!
- drop...
- Agh!
your guard.
Got it!
Can I please throw up now?
- Aah!
- Get up! Pump! Get mad.
- Yeah, you get mad, you! Get mad!
- Thirty-eight, Drill Sergeant!
Listen to me
carefully.
This is exactly the same as practice,
but this is a real, live grenade.
- I want you to do exactly as you've been trained.
- Yes, Drill Sergeant.
When I give the command
to execute...
- I want you to drop the pin, throw the grenade.
- Yes, Drill Sergeant.
- Drop the pin, throw the grenade.
- Yes, Drill Sergeant.
Execute.
Move it!
Help! Help!
Thanks, Drill Sergeant.
You saved my life.
I owe you one.
No, you owe me
fifty!
Fifty!
# Mama, mama
can't you see #
# Drill Sergeant Ladd
made a man outta me #
...and that I will
obey the orders...
of the President
of the United States.
And I will obey the orders
of the President of the United States.
And the orders of the officers
appointed over me.
According
to regulations...
According to regulations...
and the uniform code
of militaryjustice.
and the uniform code
of military justice.
- So help me God.
- So help me God.
- You look great.!
- Nice to meet you. Bye.
Be good. Take care.
Bye.
- Ah, it's the uniforms, man!
- I know.
Pvt. Conway!
Never thought I'd say this,
but I think I've done the impossible:
- I've turned you into soldiers.
- Thank you, Drill Sergeant.
Carry on.
- Uh, is this, uh, unit 341?
- That's us, soldier.
- Bones Conway, here. This is my partnerJack.
- Hi. Christine.
- Nice to meet you. Looks like we'll be working together.
- Good.
Christine,
a la G.I.Jane, right?
- What brings a pretty lady
like you to water purification?
I wanted infantry, but
until they ax that crap...
about women not being
allowed in combat...
- I'll just have to settle for kickin' your little butt.
- Ooh!
That would be nice.
Feisty one, huh?
I like that.
Shut up.
I'm gonna have
to kill your friend.
Hey, Bones Conway.
Fred Ostroff.
Good to meet you.
- You okay, Fred?
- Oh, man, I'm fine. Agh!
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
So, uh, what do you do
when you don't purify water?
Well, I'm goin' into
my final year of dental school.
Wow.
Now that is great.
- No, it's not.
- Why?
Did you know that
dentists are more feared...
and loathed than any other profession?
That's including lawyers.
See, I don't think people
hate dentists.
It's just the sound
of that drill.
And then they stick that sucking thing
in the back of your mouth like this.
And the nurse says,
"I'll be right back. '"
Then theyjam those
cardboard x-ray things.
And then they-
When you have a cavity,
they take that pointy thing and they-
The nurse leaves,
and she goes to lunch.
And she jams it
back there, right?
Meanwhile, there is
a lead apron on the thing...
and you're sitting there like-
Can somebody...
help me?
See? That's what
I'm talkin' about.
If you don't want
to talk about it, it's okay.
No, no. It's good.
We should talk about it...
'cause my therapist said
that I need to get it out.
Kinda like
an emotional enema.
So we talked about it
and said...
"Why not join
the Army Reserve?"
"Be all that you can be"...
on the weekends.
Yeah.
Maybe it'd help me to face those things
in my life that I'm most afraid of.
- What are you afraid of?
- Uh-
Well, I'd have to say,
uh, damn near everything.
- Floss?
- Hey!
Keep it.
Good morning.
Purifying our water is one of the most
vital operations in the military.
It is absolutely vital
that you know your equipment inside...
and out.
Agh! Agh!
Two soldiers must man
the hose at all times.
- This is for your own safety, people.
- Okay!
Never lose control
of your hose.
Turn it off!.
After careful training,
you will be able to produce...
potable water from
the most disgusting, swampy...
- parasite-infected, diseased water.
- Hey, guys!
Look. It's our first glass
of purified water.
All right!
Go for it, man.
Try it.
Nah, I'm not
gonna try.
- Here, you try it.
- I'm not gonna try it.
We should get Christine.
Yeah! She'll taste anything.
I'm not gonna try it.
Let's get Freddy.
- Okay.
- Oh, Freddy.!
No, thanks. I'm allergic.
It'll make me break out.
Well, then,
who's gonna try it?
Who's the leader
of this outfit?
- He is. - He
is. - He is.
Son, I've been doin' this for a long time,
and I gotta say...
this is the best damn glass
of purified water...
I ever had.
Congratulations.!
Keep this up, and I'll be puttin' you in
for private first class.
Thank you, Sergeant.
But I could not have done it without
the inspirational guidance...
of my brother,
the pool man!
Be right back, honey.
Excuse me.
Better go freshen up.
Y- You're not gonna follow me
into the bathroom, Bones.
- No, come on. Bye.
- Oh, baby.
Speak-a French
and Italiano.
#Baby-babe
Let's shift together #
#And Honey-hon
Me and you #
#And do the things
Ooh #
#Do the things #
# That we like to do #
# Ooh
Do a little dance #
#Make a little love #
- # Get down tonight #
- Bones!
- # Get down tonight #
- Whoa-oa-oa!
- Put your clothes back on.
- Come on. He hasn't seen you in eight weeks.
Woof!. Woof!.
Yeah!
- Honey!
- Look what I did for you. The Army did this.
- You look buff.
- I know.
- Did you miss me?
- Of course I did.
Honey, wait, wait.
Hold it here a second.
We're in the middle of a party.
Your friends might come in.
- That'd be cool.
- I think it's very rude if we stay more than a couple minutes.
Two minutes? Perfect.
We'll have time to cuddle afterwards.
Hold that thought.
Somebody better be dead.
Hello.
This is
an official message.
I saw a flock of wild geese
migrating south.
I say again, the geese
are migrating south.
Yeah? Well, my goose
is about to lay a golden egg.
You'll have to cruise
the south solo, okay?
Have a nice flight.
- Who was it?
- Someone who's into birds.
Caw, caw!
Look, you saw the goose.
I'm the walrus and Paul is dead.
I'm tryin' to bury my beak here,
so give it a rest!
All right,
that's it.
Jack!
- Get the phone.
- Who is it?
It's a freak calling about
wild geese migrating.
- Hello.
- Bones!
Wha- No, don't.
Christine, don't. Look.
- Which way?
- Who cares?
- North or south?
- South.
- Yes! Yes, yes!
- What?
You guys,
don't you remember?
About the code?
So that if we got called up for active duty
then we would know it was for real.
- It's gotta be a mistake.
- It's gotta be Chad.
Hello, Mama?
It's Frederick.
Uh, you sittin' down?
Chad is the African country,
the one that Libya's about to invade.
Uh, turn off
the music.
- Ahh! -
Ahh! - Ahh!
Do you remember when you told me that
every Black man should visit the motherland?
Bones, why do you think
I chose water purification?
- Mmm, is your brother a pool man?
- No.
It's because Chad
is in a desert.
And water purification
is the Reserve occupation...
most likely to be called up
if there's a desert war.
And there's a desert war,
and we're going!
- That's it, Bones. I'm gonna kill you.
- You gotta relax here.
I'm gonna get us
outta this one.
Trust me.
At ease.
Sir, I know
we're going to Chad...
but there's something you need to know
aboutJack and I...
- before we go, sir.
- Yes?
Uh, Bones and I
are very close friends.
- Very.
- Oh, I see.
In that case, boys, I guess
you're not going to Chad.
Sorry to disappoint you,
sir.
Uh,just one thing.
Anything.
Kiss 'im.
- 'Scuse me?
- Kiss your friend.
You don't have a problem
with that, do ya?
- Oh, no.
- Uh-uh.
He kisses me
every day.
Just do it.
Oh, shit.
Is it hot in Chad?
As the Libyan raids against U.N. forces
near the border continue...
this U.S. force is being readied
to deter the invasion...
threatened by the Libyan leader
in his television broadcast last night.
As the buildup here continues, the first
Army Reserve units arrived here today.
- These units will aid in the supply...
- Hello, Mama.
and logistical support
of the growing U.S. presence here.
These troops are in high spirits,
and the morale is high.
- And their hopes are high that this mission...
- Soldiers, let's go!
will remain
a peaceful one.
Reporting live from Chad
for Worldwide News Report...
this is Stu Krieger.
I am First Sergeant
Brandon T. Williams.
It is my intention to run
this company like a clock.
If one gear slips in my clock,
my clock'll tell the wrong time.
If one spring is loose in my clock,
my clock'll tell the wrong time.
First Sgt. Williams
likes his clock to tell the right time.
- Do you understand me?
- Yes, First Sergeant!
- What did he say?
- I don't know. Something about his clock being broken.
Have my words
fallen upon deaf ears?
Yes, Sergeant!
I mean, no, Sergeant.
Don't you know
I'm your first sergeant?
Actually, I wish you were
my first sergeant...
but I already had
a couple ones already.
Drop
and give me push-ups!
You will continue to do push-ups
until you learn...
to address me as First Sergeant,
is that clear?
- Yes, First Sergeant!
- Count off!.
One, First Sergeant.
Two, First Sergeant.
Three, First Sergeant.
Four, First Sergeant.
- Five, First Sergeant. Six, First Sergeant.
- Don't eyeball me.
Seven, First Sergeant. Eight, First Sergeant.
Nine, First Sergeant.
Ten, First Sergeant. Eleven, First Sergeant.
Twelve, First Sergeant.
13, First Sergeant.
14, First Sergeant.
123, First Sergeant.
124, First Sergeant.
- 125, First Sergeant.
- That's enough. On your feet!
Son, I bet you did a lot of push-ups
in basic training, didn't you?
- Yes, First Sergeant. - Well, you
just did your last push-up, soldier.
- I will never ask you to do another.
- Thank you, First Sergeant.
You just graduated
to peelin' potatoes.
6,543, First Sergeant.
6,544, First Sergeant.
Oh, First Sergeant.
6,545, First Sergeant. Ooh.
Six thousand, one-
600,000...
5,452, First Sergeant.
Shit, I lost count.
Wait, we got it!
We got it! Look!
- Ooh!
- That's my butt!
Good one, Bones.
- # Kumbaya ##
- Stop it!
Oh, cool, look.
Hey.
It's a sunroof.
Oh, look.
Gabriella tucked a little note
into my duffel bag.
Yeah.
"Dear Bones, by the time you read this
I will already be-"
What? "I will already be
in Milan with Guido. "
Oh, she dumped ya.
Sorry, Bones.
I must say, this guy sounds really nice.
He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea.
- Jack, don't rub it in.
- No, no. You're better off.
She's a horrible speller.
There's only one "S" in loser. Look at that.
And, "immaturish"?
I don't even think that's a word.
- Gabriella, sh-she broke my heart.
- Sorry.
Well, fortunately, I'm too shallow
to stay bummed for too long.
I'll take that.
Mmm.
Would you mind turning
the light off please,Jack?
Oh, yeah.
Fred, you checked your bag
for scorpions.
- Right?
- For scorpions?
- He's messing with you, Fred.
- No, I'm not.
Chad is the scorpion capital
of the world.
Yep, Fred. They're big ones too.
'Bout as big as my fist.
They outnumber people
two to one.
And that margin grows
with every sting.
So, have a good sleep,
Fred.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night, Bones.
- Night, Sue Ellen.
- Night,John Boy.
Scorpions!
Yeah, right.
I got one.
I got one!
I got one.
I got one!
I got one.
I got one!
I got one. I got one!
I got one. I got one!
Agh!
Very funny!
We're just tryin' to help ya
get over your fears, Fred, really.
Don't worry about it.
You come sleep with me.
I'd rather take my chances
with the scorpion, thank you.
God, I hate this.
It's not that bad.
It's like camp.
#John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt #
- # That's my name too #
- # That's my name too #
# Whenever we go out
the people always shout #
# There's goes John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt #
- # Da, da, da, da #
- # Da, da, da, da #
#John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt #
- Come on!
- # That's my name too ##
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
Don't eat the chicken.
Man, it tastes just like frog.
Are you- Can I-
Thanks. Enjoy.
- Ready.!
- Go!
Who are they?
- Special Forces.
- Mmm.
- 14.11 seconds.
- Damn! Try it again.
- Go.!
- He's incredible.
Time me.
All right.
Go!
Shoo!
Shoo! Shoo!
- Where'd it hit?
- Oh, that's not good.
- What happened? Just-
- That is not good.
Oh, great.
He's comin'over.
Just don't
look at 'im.
- You lose somethin'?
- Yeah, thanks.
You put it
in my lasagna.
You better call 911, get an ambulance,
find a doctor, order a toe tag...
'cause I'm gonna tear off your head
and spit it down your neck, understand, boy?
- Huh?
- Hey! Hey!
You have to relax a little.
Take it easy.
We're in the middle of a war,
and we're on the same side.
Would America
have won the Civil War...
if Benjamin Franklin did not get along
with Eleanor Roosevelt?
- Right on.!
- A little knowledge.
A little knowledge
to "parter. "
- Hmm?
- Go ahead, man.
If our soldiers,
our American soldiers...
acted like this
in Desert Storm...
Saddam Hussein would
still be running Iraq.
Excuse me.
So maybe we're a bunch of Reservists
fresh off the plane, right?
It's obvious.
But you regular guys...
you've been here so long
that your brains are fried!
So I guess, what I'm
really trying to say is...
Come on, genius,
spit it out.
that doesn't mean
we all can't be friends... please.
There's only one problem
with you "newbies:"
- Tell him the truth.
- You don't eat enough.
No, th-that's mi-
Attention.!
As you were.
Son...
I bet the mess sergeant
could use a volunteer...
- to peel potatoes.
- Yes, sir!
- Can we count on you?
- Yes, sir.
Carry on.
I happen to know, on this base
there's not one "unpeeled" potato.
I heard the Libyans are
already backing down...
- and we're gonna be outta here in two weeks.
- Yeah?
I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops,
and we're gonna be here 'til Christmas.
Go like that.
Wait, wait. Hey!
Where you goin'?
It's not like
I got bad breath.
Help.
And until they comply
with U.N. resolution 991...
I don't think anybody's
goin' anywhere.
You're amazing,
Christine.
How do you keep up
with all that stuff?
Christine?
All right,
quit screwin' around.
Chris, send some water
with this mud!
Chris!
Jack?
You-
Fred? Agh!
Agh!
How's it feel to be dead,
water boy?
Ooh.
I don't know. How does it feel
to be a dick, dick?
Dammit!
Where's my water?
There was none delivered
last night, First Sergeant.
Goddamn piece of shit
"newbies. "
How am I gonna run a decent H.Q
without my coffee?
That is truly a pathetic sight.
Who perpetrated this?
O- ooow!
- Who did this to you?
- I can't tell you, First Sergeant.
What? You have
too much honor?
No-o-o! I've been
threatened with death.
Untie these clowns,
and get me some water!
Agh!
#I just love it any ol'way #
- # I just love it any ol' way #
- Ahem.
I have an announcement.
Do you guys want your water,
'cause you're lookin' a little bit crispy?
- You better wa-
- Oh, I know. I know.
Tell me if this is right.
I better call 976, find a doctor...
and tag an ambulance,
'cause you're gonna tear offi my toe...
and spit down my head,
right?
Do you guys want
your water or not?
Sergeant.!
Report to Capt. Roberts.
You've got a mission.
Water boys...
report to First Sergeant Williams,
you've got a mission too.
Listen up!
Capt. Denby says...
we're gonna resupply the forward
U.N. peace-keeping base.
This is a very simple,
routine mission.
You will fall into line in a very large,
very prepared convoy.
All you have to do is follow the truck
in front of you.
When your troops get thirsty,
you will give them water.
Conway,
you look confused.
Are you sure you wanna send us
to a forward area?
- We're just water boys.
- You are soldiers!
You will get in that convoy, and you will
be a credit to the United States Army.
- Is that clear?
- Yes, First Sergeant!
- Then muscle your lollygaggin' butts and move out!
- Yes, First Sergeant!
Dammit!
Forget it.
They're gonna send a tow truck.
Man,
what I wouldn't do...
for a double-meat,
chili cheeseburger right now.
No, a margarita
on the rocks.
Mmm.
Or some fresh,
butteryJiffy-Pop.
- That's not popcorn, boys.
- Hmm?
That convoy's
under attack.
Really?
I don't think so.
- A maniac's shooting at us!
- It's not a maniac. It's the enemy!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Surrendering! Don't shoot!
Damn!
Nice goin', Christine.
Did you have to shoot so close?
You scared the shit outta me.
Excuse me for livin'! I was just tryin'
to save your worthless little life.
Christine, are you aware that
after a near-death experience...
there's often
a desire to have sex?
- Yeah,Jack.
- That's right.
- I feel it.
- All right!
Just not with you...
ever!
- Got it?
- Yeah. Got it.
- I'm glad we could have this little talk.
- I didn't feel anything.
You guys, let's get outta here
The truck's on fire!
Stay low. It's gonna...
explode.
Where's Bones?
Hello!
Now rickity-tick
your mustering lollygaggin'.
Let's lollygaggin'
outta here!
- Isn't the road that way?
- Takin' the shortcut.
- Is there one?
- Mm-hmm. The road curves around like this.
All we gotta do is
cut through the desert here...
- and catch up with the convoy over there.
- Watch out!
I think I know
what I'm doing here.
I guess this is the wrong time
to tell you guys I get very easily carsick.
Bones, I don't see a road.
I have the best sense of direction
of anyone you know. The road's over there.
Three miles...
maybe four.
Oh,yeah.
Maybe ten, maybe twenty.
Maybe our truck
is sinking.
No-o-o!
Push!
Forget it, okay? Just shut it down.
We'll dig it out.
Just stand back. Stand back.
I'm gonna rock it.
Will you quit?
It's not working.
You're sucking too much sand
into the air filter.
- I order you... to shut it down now!
- You order me?
I'm Private First Class. Okay?
I'm ordering you. Come on.
The only reason
you made...
private first class...
is because your brother's
a pool man.
Huh?
You happy?
Get off!.
I hope you brought
your Triple "A" cards.
Let's see.
Well, look.
You cracked the block.
- I could've done it if you hadn't stopped me.
- You're so full of it.
- You know what?
- Shut up.!
We gotta figure out
what we're gonna do.
Why don't you just ask
our fearless leader here?
Pvt. First Class Bones,
the one with the highest rank.
All you had to do,Jack,
was just listen to me.
All I've ever done is listen to you,
and look where it's taken me.
Look! We're in the middle
of some African hellhole...
under a flesh-frying sun
with the sky filled with vultures...
ready to pluck out
my eyeballs.
Vultures don't come around
unless something's about to die.
Are you ripping the sleeves
off your jacket?
That's gonna look sexy.
Jack, tomorrow we have to walk
away from this water truck.
We have two canteens
between us.
We're gonna fill up the sleeves with water
and then we have more water.
Am I the only person
who paid attention in survival class?
There's a scorpion
on my back!
That's enough!
There's not a scorpion on your back!
Uh-uh. There is
a scorpion on my back!
Fred, there's nothing
on your back.
You keep on
imagining things.
Thank you.
I needed that.
I'm sorry I snapped.
You don't have
to apologize.
You're right!
I see things very clear now.
All right.
Right!
Guys, I want to apologize
to everybody. Okay?
- He's okay.
- I feel like a brand-new man.
- Now, can we get some rest?
- Okay.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Just felt like going-
You're always playing!
Did you guys see that thing?
It was-
Follow me. I know
exactly where I'm goin'.
# When all
there's left to do #
Trust me.
# 'Cause you're fightin'
what's been done #
# This is where
sadness breathes #
# The sadness
of everyone #
#Just like when the guys
quit the damn at Otter Creek #
#And all the water
backed up #
#Deep enough to die #
You guys, get down.
I see something. Get down!
It's a truck! There's the road.
We are saved!
I told you I had
a flawless sense of direction.
What a coincidence.!
That truck looks-
That looks like our truck.
Listen you guys. Hey. I figured out
why we went in circles.
Do you remember
our map-reading class?
We didn't follow the sun!
Look, this stream
is due west.
All we have to do is walk away
from the sun in the morning...
towards the sun in the afternoon
and we should be there by nightfall.
So you're saying we should risk
being dried up into human jerky again...
just to follow another one
of your half-baked plans.
I'm not saying anything, okay?
I mean, I'm pretty sure this is gonna work.
But since I let us down before,
I say from here on in...
we put everything
to a vote.
We can't vote.
You order.
- We follow.
- Okay, well I order us to vote.
That is not how the Army goes.
You have to tell us what to do.
What if I'm wrong?
Then... we die.
I order us...
to do a sunbaked...
plan thing.
We're dead.
Hey, guys,just think of it
as a very long day...
on a very big beach
in a very dry year.
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.
Wait a minute.
It's the ocean.
I don't see anything.
What, are you blind?
Th-The waves!
It's the ocean.!
It's a mirage!
It is a mirage!
And there's Caesars.
Right across the street is the Barbary
Coast where you can get a $3.99 buffet.
It's the ocean!
Come on!
Come on.!
Let's go.!
Come on!
First one in!
Come on.!
Here's a canteen. Go get your boy
'cause he's buggin'.
Are you okay, man?
Are you okay? Here.
Take a sip.
Listen.
Look,Jack,
we got two choices:
One, we could put your clothes back on,
get ourselves out of this mess.
Go back to Glendale. Start up our
own store. Become rich and famous!
Or two, you can lie here
butt-naked and crust away...
leaving your skull to be found
by a young Arabic prince...
that's gonna use it
for an ashtray.
You don't want that
in your head.
You make the call.
Come on, let's get outta here.
What do you say?
Come on.
Here. Here.
Come on.
Hey. Oh,Jack,
look at that ass!
Maybe you should stay naked,
get some sun on those cheeks.
- What?
- Man, now I'm seeing things.
The palm trees
right on the horizon.
It's another mirage.
- Oh, my god, I see it too.
- It's not a mirage.
Those are the palm trees!
It's the oasis!
Oh, man.
You saved our lives!
Where's my kiss?
Christine?
This stream was due west.
It was on the map, right?
Where's the water?
This is... sand!
Nobody move.
There is a big snake
right by your feet.
Thanks for not movin',
Jack.
Throw me the gun.
If you don't attack it,
it'll go away.
I- I don't want it to go away.
I want to have it for dinner.
Throw me... the gun.
You want some of this, baby?
There you go. Come on.!
Oh, no. I'm still
gonna getcha!
You're gonna die, vermin!
I'll kill ya!
Huh?
Shudda-budda-da-da-da!
Huh?
It's a win-win situation.
Would you look
at that!
Water from the bullet hole.
Water.! Yeah.!
Water! Water!
Fresh water!
I can't believe it!
Is it snake yet?
- Depends how you like it.
- Well done!
He used to be afraid of scorpions,
now he's eatin' snake!
That is impressive,
Fred.
I thought
we were all gonna die.
But you pulled us through.
I don't know how...
but thank you.
That was, uh...
pretty exceptional.
So what are you gonna do
if I get us rescued?
Um...
I will...
take off all
your clothes...
tie you to the bed...
rub warm oil
all over your body...
from the bottom of those feet
to the top of that head...
and proceed to have
the nastiest...
freakiest sex with you
that you have ever imagined.
Wow.
Oh, that's it. Dammit!
I saw her first!
And look what happens!
The same thing that happened with Gabriella.
I saw her first.
And Wanda Tushman.
In the third grade.
I saw her first.!
And that girl in Palm Springs
that turned out to be the guy.
I saw that thing first too. You know why
I'm not just strangling you right now?
'Cause you
can't cook a snake?
No.
Because no matter how long
we've been friends...
I never thought you'd be the kind of guy
that would save our lives...
let alone kill a snake.
- But you did.
- Hey, man, thanks.
I think it's the U.N. flag.
We're saved!
- Guys, Christine and I are gonna need some time alone.
- Sure, man!
...President in the situation
room of the White House.
The President is scheduled to address
the nation tomorrow at 6:;00 P.M.
Welcome.
You are the Reservists
from Glendale, California. Correct?
According to W.N.R.,
you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
Hmm, where are we?
You are on a military base
well inside Libya.
That is all
you need to know.
Oh, I forgot to mention.
The war is starting tomorrow.
- How'd you know that?
- American TV.
Your country is expected to start bombing
our air bases tomorrow.
When that happens...
we will unleash missiles with chemical
warheads against your bases.
Consider yourself lucky
to be here.
Sleep well.
You know, this is fine. It's like the time
you got us arrested in Tijuana.
Except we're in Libya.
And your dad's not gonna
pick us up here, brother.
Yo, aren't you guys
also American?
Ah, see. I see.
I was wounded and... I don't feel well.
Please sing a song to comfort me.
- Sing a song?
- Any song!
Oh, because of the thing-
- Oh, okay.
# Rescue me #
Sing.
# I want your tender charms
'Cause I'm so lonely #
#And I'm blue #
- My team was on strategic recon.
- Oh?
You know, that's when
you go behind enemy lines...
and try to locate their
assets like tanks, bunkers.
We were on our way to a resupply drop
and we were ambushed.
- The other guys were killed.
- Killed?
#I need you
by my side #
# Can't you see
that I'm lonely #
I took a bullet in the leg,
and they brought me here.
# Uh-huh, I don't know
any words to this song #
- # Kiss me, baby #
- # Kiss me, baby #
#Kiss me, baby,yeah
Hold me, baby #
#Love me, baby #
Use this to dig around
the base of the bars on the window.
- I got one of them loose already.
- Escape? What are you, crazy?
- # Ahh, oh-ho #
- # Uh-huh #
Look. It's the duty of every P.O.W.
to try to escape.
We're in the middle of a desert.
What good is it gonna do for us to escape?
To complete the recon
mission, soldier.
The special operations cargo plane
was instructed to make a supply drop...
at a rendezvous point
about 15 K north of here.
If we can get off this base, I
can get us to the rendezvous point.
You're insane. The Libyans are
gonna launch chemical weapons.
- We're much safer here.
- No. I'm a soldier, and I've got a job to do.
And so are you.
Now get to work... Private.
# Lonely #
# Yeah, rescue me
Pretty baby ##
- Bones.
- Ah-ah, ah-ha.
My heart.
You know what? You didn't scare me.
I just felt like screaming.
Don't worry about it.
Most men think I'm scary.
- You can't sleep, huh?
- I'm too excited.
Excited? They might torture us tomorrow.
They might even kill us.
I know. It's just like
the night before Christmas.
Yeah, well at my house
we got presents.
I'm talking about
the anticipation.
We might die!
We, we, we might escape.
We don't know what's gonna happen.
That's the coolest thing in the world.
Most girls are into
horses and stuff.
You're weird.
Most men say that too.
I like it.
You do?
Yeah.
Horses are boring.
So...
if I do get us out of here,
and I will...
is it true what you said about tying me up
and all the wild sex stuff?
Only if you kiss me again.
Okay.
Okay, wait.
Wait a minute.
I think I got it.
Wait, look at it.
- You got it.
- Look at it.
Oh! Oh!
Stern?
Stern, you gotta wake up.
I can't turn the alarm off.
It's not an alarm.
It's an air-raid siren.
Oh, thank God!
I thought I was having
another panic attack.
It's okay,
it's okay.
Yes.
Almost.
Try it again.
Okay. Cross yo-
That was good. Just a little more
to the left and you got 'em.
You guys just keep trying.
Do you guys realize
what we are doing right now?
This is a scene from
Pirates of the Caribbean.
All we need is that
mangy dog, right?
Quiet. Just try it again.
Hey.
How much do you love me?
I'm sorry, I don't get it.
What is it with us and trucks?
We get 'em, we break 'em,
we smash 'em, we crash 'em.
- We run out of gas. I don't get it!
- Yes, I understand that.
But we're not getting tortured
by Babaga-douche right now, okay?
No, instead we're lost
in the desert... again.
Without food and water...
again.
Stuck with this Special Forces guy. He can't
even walk 'cause he got his leg shot off.
- Fred, we're free!
- Yeah, and we're gonna die free!
Or maybe not.
Fifty-five American dollars.
Then on top of it,
see this truck?
Serious, bona fide Libyan Army
fighting machine.
And it's all part of
this amazing offer, my friend.
I mean, if you're lucky, it
might even have a Kuwait track.
You can play
stuff on it.
Huh? And you ask me, how could it be?
Why such a deal?
Because we're Crazy Boys!
We're givin' it away!
Hmm?
You like this watch?
- Is it interesting?
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Not the watch.
- He likes it.
Come on. It's got the faces
of the moon and a compass.
- What? This has a compass?
- Yeah.
Really? We've been stuck
in the desert for three days...
- and you're telling me this watch has a compass.
- Sorry.
Oh,Jack, you're gonna get some
noogies later. I'm gonna pound you like this.
I forgot.
Well, you're gonna forget about
your little watch here, because it's gone!
Uh-huh.
Here you go, my friend.
Hey,you guys.
In my life...
I've seen
a lot of camels' toes...
but I've never seen one
on a camel.
- I think he's got a crush on you, Bones.
- Really? How can you tell?
- 'Cause he's been nibbling on your ears.
- Yeah?
And licking
on your neck.
It's okay.
You're just a camel.
Our supply drop's
on the other side of that Libyan base.
What Libyan base?
Are you blind?
- It's a Libyan base covered with a camo tent.
- What are you talking about?
- I guess we're gonna have to go around it.
- Around what?
- See thatjeep right there?
- I see thejeep, but I don't-
Oh! You mean that Libyan base,
the one under the camo tent!
I thought you guys were talking
about some other Libyan base.
Will there be
medical supplies?
Medical supplies, uniforms, food,
water, radio. Everything you need.
But where is it?
It's supposed to be right here.
Hey, you guys!
Come on!
Hey, come on, you guys!
What is it?
Oh!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
Hot Wheels!
Stern, these things are intense!
No wonder people join the Army.
# Be all
that you can be #
# In the Army #
What happened to him?
His leg looks pretty bad. I think it's infected
'cause he lost a lot of blood.
But look at his gums!
They're fabulous, man.
Not a touch of gingivitis.
He's been flossing.
- Yeah, but why is he acting so wasted?
- That's the morphine.
Absolutely!
The "morphine," the better.
Hello.!
Somebody answer us, please.!
You gotta believe us.
We're stuck out here in the middle-
Get ahold of yourself,
soldier.
Thank God it's you!
- Listen-
- Don't say my name.
What did I say to you
when you first arrived in Chad?
Uh, something about
your clock being broken.
Close enough.
Okay, calm down, son,
we're gonna get you outta there.
Listen carefully.
Your call sign is now Glendale.
Our call sign
is now Burbank.
Did you recover the fast-attack vehicles,
Glendale?
Oh, you mean those dune buggies!
Yeah, those things are intense.
Good. This equipment
was intended...
for the Special Forces team
to carry out a vital mission.
You are our only assets
on the ground...
with the right equipment
in the right place.
- Say what?
- You have to take over, Glendale.
Listen.
Let me explain something.
First of all, Sergeant,
we're water boys.
- Okay, please-
- You're soldiers first, Glendale!
Now, listen up.
The Libyans have a mobile scud
launching base right in your area.
These scuds are loaded with chemical
weapons and targeted at U.S. bases.
Our aerial photographs
haven't been able to find them.
You want us to find 'em?
What about Stern?
Stern can find 'em.
He'll be up pretty soon. Stern?
Daddy, why can't I go
to ballet class?
Teacher says
I'm a natural.
These scuds...
can't be spotted from the air
because of heavy camouflage.
Camouflage? Why didn't you say so
in the first place?
Listen, we saw the thing
this morning.
Stern wrote down the coordinates.
Right, Stern?
We'll tell you where it is. You guys can
come here and bomb the hell outta it!
- Come on. Send the Air Force.
- It's not enough to tell us.
You have to go back there
and paint it.
Paint it? Trust me.
It looks perfectly fine the way it is.
I mean paint it
with the laser.
The laser target designator.
It's in your equipment.
All you have to do
is return to that base...
point the laser at it,
and call me back on the radio.
The Air Force
will do the rest.
You can be a mile away
in perfect safety.
All right.
Wait a minute.
- Chris? Get over here.
- What?
They can't make us do anything.
We don't know how to use this stuff.
Fred,you use lasers
in dentistry, right?
I know what's goin' on! You're gonna try
to make the brother hold the laser, right?
No. My laser was a little,
itty-bitty laser.
This is a big laser.
There's a difference.
- Glendale? Glendale.!
- No.
Can't they just evacuate
the bases?
Or we can take an hour out of our
busy lives, hop in these cool dune buggies...
pop the base with the laser, and let
the Air Force blow the hell out of it!
- You listen to me, Glendale!
- Please hold yourself there one second.
I'm just trying to have
a moment with my friends. Is that okay?
Have a cup of java.
Please chill.
Fred, when you
first got here...
- you were completely freaked, right?
- Yeah.
Now look at you. Huh?
You're a regular G.I.Joe.
A fightin' man
from head to toe!
And, Chris,
you wanted infantry.
Well, now's your chance.
Let's see what you've got.
And,Jack, my friend,
you were a complete screwup.
But now look at you.
You're still a screwup.
But if you did this
and you survived...
you'd have stuff to tell
your little screw-up grandkids.
Basically, you guys,
up to a few months ago...
we were all a bunch of minimum wage losers
from Glendale.
But this whole event
has changed our lives!
You know who we owe it to?
# The Army ##
This is something we gotta do!
Come on! Get on with it!
- Chris, I know you're with me.
- Yeah, boy.
Fred, listen, if you can't handle it,
I understand, man.
I can handle it.
Jack, what do you say,
man?
Oh, I say,
I say you're crazy.
I think you're all nuts.!
But you're the private first class.
I'm the private.
And I'm gonna follow you,
my friend, wherever.
All right, you guys, let's do this thing.
Kick it, man!
Stern, you ready?
- Let's go, Bones.!
- I know, I know.
There's just a little bit of business
I have to take care of.
You're gonna have
to go now.
You're gonna have to go be
all the camel that you can be.
Bye.
All right, troops!
Let's go bust
some scuds!
#Hit the street runnin'#
# Got a plan
on your mind #
#Lookin'for a shelter #
#Doin'double overtime #
#Feel a little crazy #
#But I won't be denied #
# Gotta find the time
to take her inside outside #
# Tumblin'
in a world of swirl #
#Rumblin'
in a world of swirl #
#In a world of swirl ##
All right.
Glendale to Burbank. Come in.
- I wish we had cooler code names.
- What was that, Glendale?
Nothing. I was just saying
that these code names suck.
Can I call you
General Sweet Pants?
You better remember who you're talking to,
Glendale. Are you in position?
Guy's got no sense of humor.
Yeah, we can see the target.
Have you painted it
with the laser?
Just did.
Good goin', Glendale.
The air strike is inbound.
You should acquire the target
in seven minutes.
It is vital that you do not take the laser
off the target until the target is destroyed.
Can you hold it there
for seven minutes?
I got it propped up here on the rock!
I can hold it all day. I'm good to go!
No problem, Burbank.
Good! Lay low.
And report any change
in situation.
We'll be standing by.
Out.
Come on!
Tell me again
about the store.
Ah, the store.
It's gonna be great!
We're gonna have our own room
where people can get their feet massaged-
Burbank.!
Burbank,
we're under attack.
Hold your position, Glendale.
And keep that laser on the target.
On the target?
We are the target.!
Tell 'em to hurry up!
You better hurry. We've got 60 pissed-off
Libyans headin' towards us.
Stay with it!
- Let's get these guys,Jack. Okay.
- Come on.
- We know how to do it.
- All right.
This is for
the Glendale water boys!
- Not bad, huh?
- Whoo!
Reload.
Turn it!
Shit!
- They missed.
- At least they didn't blow up my head.
- Great going, soldiers. We knew you could do it.
- Oh, Burbank?
I'm gonna find you the biggest
bottle of champagne in Chad!
Don't pop the cork yet.
The bombs missed.
The base wasn't hit. You better send
another air strike and fast.!
Wait one.
Glendale?
The back-up strike of F-111 s
is being diverted to your target.
- E. T.A. three minutes.
- Three minutes? What, are you crazy?
We don't have three minutes. In three
minutes we're gonna be shish kebabs!
We're under serious attack!
You'll have
to hold them.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my god.
You better get the planes here sooner.
The scuds are ready to fire.
Two minutes
and 30 seconds.
Hey. Hey!
Where's he goin'?
Hey! Hey!
All right, my man!
You stay right here.
I gotta go.
Hey, guys
move over!
"Cock firing mechanism. "
- Report the situation.
- Shut up.
"Aim, set range if known
or estimate"?
- Who came up with these directions?
- I don't know.
Tell me to shut up one more time and I'm gonna
rip your spine out and use it for a putting iron!
Shut up.
I'm not good with directions.
"Push safety and hold down. "
Okay, everybody back!
"Fire by pushing trigger. "
Suck on this
a- one time!
Oh. Sorry.
Last chance,
my friend.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Whoo!
Oh, man!
At my signal,
everybody scream like crazy.
Make 'em think we've got
50 guys up here, okay?
One and go!
We scared 'em!
Yeah, don't mess with
the Glendale Reservists!
Behind you.!
Two weeks a year,
one weekend a month.
We're the few!
We're the proud!
We're the water boys!
- Bones, duck.!
- Get down.!
- Yeah, hey. All right, Stern.
- Thanks.
Not bad for a bunch
of water boys, huh?
No! Soldiers!
I'm proud of you guys.
Glendale.!
You oughta be... damn
pleased with yourselves!
Congratulations.
You did an outstanding job.
It wasn't a job, First Sergeant.
It was an adventure.
Hey! Hey!
- You're gonna have to go get a blood test, Bones.
- What?
#Bang, and here we go #
# Watch the road
Don't drive so slow #
#It takes so long
And it's so hard #
# There's a billion bones
in my backyard #
#I get excited
I get so impatient #
#It takes too long
to get back home #
#But you and I, do or die
And we've onlyjust begun #
#And I feel like havin'fun #
Have a good day.
If you need anything come see us.
- Look at that hair!
- Oh, hey!
- How you doin'?
- Real well. Jack and Bones, huh?
You fellas gonna be
all you can be?
It's a win-win
situation?
- Ah, this is crazy, man!
- No, it's brilliant!
It's just two weeks a year, man.
One weekend a month.
- That can't be right.
- I swear!
Trust me.
#It costs too much #
#And I talk too much #
#It takes so long #
#And it goes so fast #
#I can't think too straight #
# Oh, oh, oh #
#And we've only
just begun #
#And I feel like
havin'fun #
#And I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next one #
#And we've only
just begun #
#And I feel like
havin'fun #
#But I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next one #
#And I start offi
feeling swell #
#Pretty soon
I'll turn to well #
#But I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next one #
#And I start offi
doing fine #
#Pretty soon
I'll keep in time #
#But I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next time #
#And I start offi
doing fine #
#Pretty soon
I'll keep in time #
#But I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next time #
# Until the next time
Until the next time ##
- What shall we do?
- Water purification sounds good to me, man.
here's lookin'at you...
- pilgrim.
- Laughing.
- So, Jack, this is good.
- What are we gonna do tonight?
You know what?
I was gonna ask you.
- Can Gabriella hook me up with her, uh...
- Oh, you know what?
She's got this new friend
she met the other day at the mall.
- Her name is Rosa.
- Yeah?
- She's Spanish. Espanol.
- Si, si, senor.
But the only thing-
Wow, watch out for that.
The thing is, Rosa,
she's kind of dumb.
Watch out for the water.!
Water, water.! Aah.!
Whoa.!
- She's kinda like, she's kinda like... large.
- That's good for me.
Bones, look out.!
You're gonna get killed.!
If it's too hot for ya, son,
get outta the kitchen.
This is war.
No room for the faint ofheart.
When you're in the heat ofbattle,
and you lean down...
and put your hand
in a puddle of goo...
that two seconds before
was your friend's face...
that is war, son,;
now that is war.!
This right here?
This is just a game.
- Look at this road right here. See that?
- Hop it.
Boom.! Watch this.
Doin'great.
- That's nice.
- See how I just blow those guys?
- Look. Now there's the thing.
- Look up! Look up!
No, on the-
Ooh.
Game over.
You are dead.
Shouldn't we get back to work?
I'm working. Look, I'm testing out
new products.
What are you so paranoid for, anyways?
Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
Quinn's gonna fire your ass
from this place.
Do you think I'm scared
of that- What is he?
He looks like Lurch.
Hey, I'm Quinn.
- Are you afraid of him?
- No.
Bones?
Quinn's lookin' for you.
I told him you were
playin' video games.
Hold this, okay? I gotta do somethin'.
Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
This is all for you.
See all the money I'm savin'?
Wow, Quinn, look at you!
You're lookin' fantastic!
Is that a new suit?
It's got to be Armani.
Oh, it's J.C. Penney.
At least you wear it well.
Is that Brut I smell?
What did we say about
leaving the sales floor?
You told me not to,
and I won't.
If this place catches fire,
I'm sellin' tape decks to the firemen.
You're not selling anything
to anybody!
- That's why we're letting you go.
- Where?
- Home.
- No, no, Quinn. Hey, you can't fire me.
C'mon! I'm a Crazy Boy!
I'm a dedicated Crazy Boy.
- Bones, let's not drag this out.
- Quinn, look. C'mon. Please.
My rent's due. My mom needs
another tummy tuck. Please.
- No, Bones. No, not this time.
- Please, there's a lot of personal-
Please don't let me go,
Quinn. I could be crazier.
Let go of my leg!
I could be totally insane!
- Bones, let go of my leg.
- Bones, you have a customer waiting.
You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn.
I have a customer...
a customer who evidently
asked for me by name.
- Hi.! May I help you, miss?
- Yes.
You sold me this Watchman last week,
and I have to return it.
I knew you'd be returning it.
It's too small. It'll ruin your eyesight.
Besides, I could tell
the one you really want is this one.
This is our
top-of-the-line.
Our very best 35"
projection stereo color monitor...
with advanced
super-digital P-in-P.
I'm sorry.
That's way out of my price range.
Not with our $200 rebate,
no money down...
ten-month deferred,
64-month layaway plan.
You ask yourself,
"How could it be?" Right?
Because-a we're-a
Crazy Boys!
- Sorry, they make us do that.
- That's a very nice offer, but-
- Plus this screen promotes good eyesight.
- Really?
Four out of five optometrists
recommend it.
Okay,
I'll take it.
Okay, fantastic.
I'm gonna take this to the cashier,
and I'm gonna arrange everything.
Thank you very much.
- ... needed for a carryout.
- Huh?
Hmm? C'mon. Am I not
still a Crazy Boy?
That is Brut I smell,
you pervert.
Heh-heh-heh.
Bones!
C'mon.
Shh. Coming.
Friends of both parties...
have been making frequent
appearances at the courthouse all day.
Gabriella,
you were outstanding.
Yeah, right. This is the last time
I save your butt, okay?
- I work too, you know.
- I know. It was an emergency.
- The guy was about to fire me.
- It's always an emergency.
- They better take that TVback.
- They're gonna take it back.
Now, how 'bout giving
your little Italian sausage man...
a little kissy-pooh?
The U.S. has
issued strong warnings-
You are so irresponsible!
Can't you be serious
for one minute?
Okay, I'll be serious.
Let's get naked.
Not now!
Not here!
- Why? Don't you love me anymore?
- Yes.
Of course I love you.
But look,your boss
is gonna catch us.
I don't care about that perverted fatso
in a J.C. Penney suit.
Bones!
Jack, turn it off!. Turn it off!.
Turn it off!.
Well, uh-
I can't believe
he actually fired us.
Bones, we blew up
22 TV sets.
- Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
- I'm sorry, man.
- I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all of those TVs.
- No problemo, my friend.
I was sick of gettin' down on my knees
for that guy, anyway...
Whoa!
Bones, I had no idea.
- begging for my job.
- I know.
You know what,Jack? This is amazing.
You know what this does?
- Yeah.
- This brings us one step closer...
to the... store.
No, no, no. What this does is bring us
one step closer to living in the Dumpster.
How are we gonna get rent for the store
if we don't have rent for our apartment?
Excuse me.
Can we play through?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Sorry, we were
just discussing-
- Hey! - Oh,
my god! - Army!
Navy.! Air Force.!
Marines.!
No.
Did you order a code red?
Answer me!
Did you order
a code red, man?
You want the truth?
You can't handle the truth.
Yea.!
He's goofin' off.
C'mon, Bones.
- Wow, that was my Nicholson impression.
- Good.
I do it sometimes
when I play golf.
- Bones, c'mon, man!
- I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
When you join the Army, is it true
you have to give your whole life away?
- Nah. It's nothin' like that with us.
- We're in the Reserves.
What's that?
Let's just get
this straight here.
After our basic training, we owe you
two weeks a year and one weekend a month...
for which we get paid.
And on top of it, you're gonna throw in
$2,500 just for signing up?
Basically, yes.
Wow! Then how come everybody
isn't in the Reserves?
Do people actually know
about this stuff?
Well, we do try
to advertise.
Oh, yeah.
"It's not a job, it's an adventure. "
No, that's the Navy.
- "The few and the proud"?
- No, that's the Marines.
Hmm. "Keep going,
going and gone"?
- No, no. That's the, um, Energizer bunny.
- Gentlemen.
We're,
"Be all you can be. "
# In the Ar-Army #
You need us,
and we need you.
It's a win-win situation.
I got one more question.
Could I get a pen?
Oh, no. Actually, could
we just have a second...
- uh, amongst ourselves?
- Certainly.
Take all the time
you need.
Just hold
that ballpoint.
Whew.!
- Just one-
- C'mere.
This is insane!
"Why doesn't everybody join?"
- Weren't you listening to him in there?
- Shh.
- It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
- You're going nuts.
We are the beneficiaries. We get
a guaranteed check for eight years...
- and a special skill.
- A special skill? Yeah, yeah.
- Look at the pamphlets.
- Yeah, here we go.
- "Land Combat Missile Op"?
- Opportunities!
"Tactical Fire
Specialist"?
You heard him talkin'
about combat pay.
You have to be in combat to
get paid for that, right?
He said Reserves aren't called up
unless there's a major conflict.
- When was the last war, huh? World War ll?
- Yeah!
- No!
- Twenty years ago.
Have you ever heard
of Vietnam, huh?
- Desert Storm? No?
- Uh-uh.
- What?
- I'm kidding. Gimme the brochure.
- We're gonna go to the Unemployment Office.
- Just let me see.
Let me just check. "Tank Turret Repair,
Land Mining Specialist. "
"Water purification"?
Water purification!
- That's it.
- What?
Water purification.
I'm telling you, it's a snap.
My brother's a pool man. Look, you take
dirty water and you make it clean.
- How hard can that be?
- I don't know.
And if there is a war,
what are we gonna go in there with?
Water balloons?
- That's- I mean- But, but-
- Jack.
- Yeah?
- This is for our future, okay?
If we can sign up now,
we get a guaranteed check for $2,500.
If you times that
times two... Wow!
- Rrrrip! Ahh! That's $6,000.
- That's nice.
- I know. Yeah.
- It's a nice chunk of change.
- But, hey.
- This is for our store.
- Yeah.
- Look, I'll even give you first billing.
- You don't have to do that.
- No, no. "Jack's...
- and Bones's Palace of Stereos. "
- Ooh!
- Let's just do it.
- All right. Let's do it.
Oh, yes!
# Get a haircut
and get a real job #
# Clean your act up
and don't be a slob #
# Get it together
like your big brother Bob #
# Why don't you get a haircut
and get a real job #
#I need to try
that 9:;00 to 5:;00 scene #
#I told myself that
it was all a bad dream #
#I found a band
and some good songs to play #
- #Party all night and sleep all day #
- Hi. Um-
See, everybody knows me
for my hair.
What I need you to do
is just a little bit on the side.
Not a whole bunch.
Kinda keep it like it's still-
I'd like to see you in something short
but sassy. A real '90s look.
Something that works as well
on the rifle range as it does in the disco.
Okay.
That's perfect.
# Get a haircut
and get a real job ##
All right.
Aaaah!
- Does my head- I mean, look at it.
- I don't know. Yeah.
Does it look bigger
than it did be-
- I mean, do I look like a baked potato?
- Honestly?
- Yeah, honestly.
- I-It looks great. It really does.
- Really! Really?
- Really!
- It looks... macho.
- All right!
Look at these, man.
Look at these.
- Army issue.
- See, I think those are unique.
- Idiotic!
- No, those are unique.
- You're distinctive. No one has them.
- Really?
- You're keen. One of a kind.
- All right!
They broke the mold
when they made you,Jack.
Bones, I can't-
I can't do it.!
- Jack, come on. You can do it.
- I can't do it, man!
This is just like
your childhood, remember?
Yeah, you're right.
That guy is exactly like my dad.
See? C'mon!
Wait a minute, though!
My childhood sucked!
No, I can't do it, man.
I can't-
I can't handle being yelled at by some...
muscle-bound drill sergeant.
No, man.
I can't do it.
Get the hell off
the truck!
Oh, whoa.
She can drill me
anytime.
On the double, right now!
Come on!
- Move it! Move it!
- Hello, Sweet Pants.
Get down here!
Get down!
- Oh, rough stuff. Hi.
- And take those glasses off!.
- What'd you think? You're on some beach or somethin'?
- No.
- What's your name, Private?
- Bones Conway, reportin' for duty, sir!
I mean, ma'am,
sergeant, whatever.
You will address me
as Drill Sergeant.
Do you understand?
Yes, but you don't need to yell,
'cause look, I'm standing right here.
I'm not yellin' at you, Private.
Drill sergeants do not yell.
We simply speak in a voice loud enough
so everyone can hear.
That way we all learn
from each other's mistakes.
Okay.
Thanks for explaining it.
From here on out,
your butt is mine.
You will obey
every order...
without question!
Grunt!
Oh, you're a funny boy, huh?
A cutie pie, right?
Well, I don't know ya,
but I don't even like ya.
And I make it my personal mission
to turn you into a soldier.
For the next eight weeks, I'll be all over
your butt like white on rice!
Is that a promise?
Give me 20!
- Well, my wallet-
- Drop and give me 20!
- Here, hold these. - You better get
on the ground and give me them push-ups.
Agh!
It's been a while.
All the way up and down,
right?
- Pump!
- Pump.
One!
Is that good?
Get up!
Get up!
Everybody up!
On your feet. Off the racks right now,
sleepin' beauties.
Get your butt
off that... rack.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Get up!
- I'm up. I'm up.
I'm up!
Extend to the left!
Extend to the left!
Forward!
All right...
privates, on command
begin like the last drills.
Run in place.
When I say go... go!
- Jack?
- Yeah?
Where'd the sun go?
There is no sun
anymore, Bones.
The sun is gone.
We died,
and this is hell.
Oh, okay. Thanks
for explaining it.
Private, you've got that weapon
around backwards.
Oh.
Thanks.
- See the picture on the front of this weapon?
- Uh-huh.
It's put there
for privates like you.
It's idiot proof.
Seven, Drill Sergeant!
Agh!
The gig line runs down
the seam of your shirt...
through the edge of your belt buckle,
down the seam of your zipper.
This is
a straight gig line.
See it...
learn it...
do it.
From here on out...
anyone without
a straight gig line...
will have
to answer to me.
Conway,
what the hell is this?
Drill Sergeant, I guess my gig line
needs straightening, huh?
Ah!
Ooh!
Thank you,
Drill Sergeant!
Don't thank me.
Thank your recruiter.
C'mon, boy! C'mon!
You can't do it!
- I know you can't do it!
- Aah!
There are two types ofbayonet fighters:;
the quick and the dead.
- What are you?
- Quick!
- What are they?
- Dead!
- What are you?
- Quick!
- What are they?
- Dead!
- Any volunteers?
- Yeah!
- What are you, crazy?
- I sure am.
I'm a cr... azy boy!
Hello!
- Conway.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Come here.
- I'm on my way.
Whoo!
- Hi.
- Hit me.
Let's not fight.
C'mere.
Hit me
or you'll be sorry!
I can't hit you.
You're a girl. And...
I love you.
You got two seconds
to hit me.
- Okay, but this is gonna hurt.
- Any other volunteer?
Oh, shit!
I'm sorry.
- I was just gonna-
- I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
- Never...
- Ooh!
- drop...
- Agh!
your guard.
Got it!
Can I please throw up now?
- Aah!
- Get up! Pump! Get mad.
- Yeah, you get mad, you! Get mad!
- Thirty-eight, Drill Sergeant!
Listen to me
carefully.
This is exactly the same as practice,
but this is a real, live grenade.
- I want you to do exactly as you've been trained.
- Yes, Drill Sergeant.
When I give the command
to execute...
- I want you to drop the pin, throw the grenade.
- Yes, Drill Sergeant.
- Drop the pin, throw the grenade.
- Yes, Drill Sergeant.
Execute.
Move it!
Help! Help!
Thanks, Drill Sergeant.
You saved my life.
I owe you one.
No, you owe me
fifty!
Fifty!
# Mama, mama
can't you see #
# Drill Sergeant Ladd
made a man outta me #
...and that I will
obey the orders...
of the President
of the United States.
And I will obey the orders
of the President of the United States.
And the orders of the officers
appointed over me.
According
to regulations...
According to regulations...
and the uniform code
of militaryjustice.
and the uniform code
of military justice.
- So help me God.
- So help me God.
- You look great.!
- Nice to meet you. Bye.
Be good. Take care.
Bye.
- Ah, it's the uniforms, man!
- I know.
Pvt. Conway!
Never thought I'd say this,
but I think I've done the impossible:
- I've turned you into soldiers.
- Thank you, Drill Sergeant.
Carry on.
- Uh, is this, uh, unit 341?
- That's us, soldier.
- Bones Conway, here. This is my partnerJack.
- Hi. Christine.
- Nice to meet you. Looks like we'll be working together.
- Good.
Christine,
a la G.I.Jane, right?
- What brings a pretty lady
like you to water purification?
I wanted infantry, but
until they ax that crap...
about women not being
allowed in combat...
- I'll just have to settle for kickin' your little butt.
- Ooh!
That would be nice.
Feisty one, huh?
I like that.
Shut up.
I'm gonna have
to kill your friend.
Hey, Bones Conway.
Fred Ostroff.
Good to meet you.
- You okay, Fred?
- Oh, man, I'm fine. Agh!
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
So, uh, what do you do
when you don't purify water?
Well, I'm goin' into
my final year of dental school.
Wow.
Now that is great.
- No, it's not.
- Why?
Did you know that
dentists are more feared...
and loathed than any other profession?
That's including lawyers.
See, I don't think people
hate dentists.
It's just the sound
of that drill.
And then they stick that sucking thing
in the back of your mouth like this.
And the nurse says,
"I'll be right back. '"
Then theyjam those
cardboard x-ray things.
And then they-
When you have a cavity,
they take that pointy thing and they-
The nurse leaves,
and she goes to lunch.
And she jams it
back there, right?
Meanwhile, there is
a lead apron on the thing...
and you're sitting there like-
Can somebody...
help me?
See? That's what
I'm talkin' about.
If you don't want
to talk about it, it's okay.
No, no. It's good.
We should talk about it...
'cause my therapist said
that I need to get it out.
Kinda like
an emotional enema.
So we talked about it
and said...
"Why not join
the Army Reserve?"
"Be all that you can be"...
on the weekends.
Yeah.
Maybe it'd help me to face those things
in my life that I'm most afraid of.
- What are you afraid of?
- Uh-
Well, I'd have to say,
uh, damn near everything.
- Floss?
- Hey!
Keep it.
Good morning.
Purifying our water is one of the most
vital operations in the military.
It is absolutely vital
that you know your equipment inside...
and out.
Agh! Agh!
Two soldiers must man
the hose at all times.
- This is for your own safety, people.
- Okay!
Never lose control
of your hose.
Turn it off!.
After careful training,
you will be able to produce...
potable water from
the most disgusting, swampy...
- parasite-infected, diseased water.
- Hey, guys!
Look. It's our first glass
of purified water.
All right!
Go for it, man.
Try it.
Nah, I'm not
gonna try.
- Here, you try it.
- I'm not gonna try it.
We should get Christine.
Yeah! She'll taste anything.
I'm not gonna try it.
Let's get Freddy.
- Okay.
- Oh, Freddy.!
No, thanks. I'm allergic.
It'll make me break out.
Well, then,
who's gonna try it?
Who's the leader
of this outfit?
- He is. - He
is. - He is.
Son, I've been doin' this for a long time,
and I gotta say...
this is the best damn glass
of purified water...
I ever had.
Congratulations.!
Keep this up, and I'll be puttin' you in
for private first class.
Thank you, Sergeant.
But I could not have done it without
the inspirational guidance...
of my brother,
the pool man!
Be right back, honey.
Excuse me.
Better go freshen up.
Y- You're not gonna follow me
into the bathroom, Bones.
- No, come on. Bye.
- Oh, baby.
Speak-a French
and Italiano.
#Baby-babe
Let's shift together #
#And Honey-hon
Me and you #
#And do the things
Ooh #
#Do the things #
# That we like to do #
# Ooh
Do a little dance #
#Make a little love #
- # Get down tonight #
- Bones!
- # Get down tonight #
- Whoa-oa-oa!
- Put your clothes back on.
- Come on. He hasn't seen you in eight weeks.
Woof!. Woof!.
Yeah!
- Honey!
- Look what I did for you. The Army did this.
- You look buff.
- I know.
- Did you miss me?
- Of course I did.
Honey, wait, wait.
Hold it here a second.
We're in the middle of a party.
Your friends might come in.
- That'd be cool.
- I think it's very rude if we stay more than a couple minutes.
Two minutes? Perfect.
We'll have time to cuddle afterwards.
Hold that thought.
Somebody better be dead.
Hello.
This is
an official message.
I saw a flock of wild geese
migrating south.
I say again, the geese
are migrating south.
Yeah? Well, my goose
is about to lay a golden egg.
You'll have to cruise
the south solo, okay?
Have a nice flight.
- Who was it?
- Someone who's into birds.
Caw, caw!
Look, you saw the goose.
I'm the walrus and Paul is dead.
I'm tryin' to bury my beak here,
so give it a rest!
All right,
that's it.
Jack!
- Get the phone.
- Who is it?
It's a freak calling about
wild geese migrating.
- Hello.
- Bones!
Wha- No, don't.
Christine, don't. Look.
- Which way?
- Who cares?
- North or south?
- South.
- Yes! Yes, yes!
- What?
You guys,
don't you remember?
About the code?
So that if we got called up for active duty
then we would know it was for real.
- It's gotta be a mistake.
- It's gotta be Chad.
Hello, Mama?
It's Frederick.
Uh, you sittin' down?
Chad is the African country,
the one that Libya's about to invade.
Uh, turn off
the music.
- Ahh! -
Ahh! - Ahh!
Do you remember when you told me that
every Black man should visit the motherland?
Bones, why do you think
I chose water purification?
- Mmm, is your brother a pool man?
- No.
It's because Chad
is in a desert.
And water purification
is the Reserve occupation...
most likely to be called up
if there's a desert war.
And there's a desert war,
and we're going!
- That's it, Bones. I'm gonna kill you.
- You gotta relax here.
I'm gonna get us
outta this one.
Trust me.
At ease.
Sir, I know
we're going to Chad...
but there's something you need to know
aboutJack and I...
- before we go, sir.
- Yes?
Uh, Bones and I
are very close friends.
- Very.
- Oh, I see.
In that case, boys, I guess
you're not going to Chad.
Sorry to disappoint you,
sir.
Uh,just one thing.
Anything.
Kiss 'im.
- 'Scuse me?
- Kiss your friend.
You don't have a problem
with that, do ya?
- Oh, no.
- Uh-uh.
He kisses me
every day.
Just do it.
Oh, shit.
Is it hot in Chad?
As the Libyan raids against U.N. forces
near the border continue...
this U.S. force is being readied
to deter the invasion...
threatened by the Libyan leader
in his television broadcast last night.
As the buildup here continues, the first
Army Reserve units arrived here today.
- These units will aid in the supply...
- Hello, Mama.
and logistical support
of the growing U.S. presence here.
These troops are in high spirits,
and the morale is high.
- And their hopes are high that this mission...
- Soldiers, let's go!
will remain
a peaceful one.
Reporting live from Chad
for Worldwide News Report...
this is Stu Krieger.
I am First Sergeant
Brandon T. Williams.
It is my intention to run
this company like a clock.
If one gear slips in my clock,
my clock'll tell the wrong time.
If one spring is loose in my clock,
my clock'll tell the wrong time.
First Sgt. Williams
likes his clock to tell the right time.
- Do you understand me?
- Yes, First Sergeant!
- What did he say?
- I don't know. Something about his clock being broken.
Have my words
fallen upon deaf ears?
Yes, Sergeant!
I mean, no, Sergeant.
Don't you know
I'm your first sergeant?
Actually, I wish you were
my first sergeant...
but I already had
a couple ones already.
Drop
and give me push-ups!
You will continue to do push-ups
until you learn...
to address me as First Sergeant,
is that clear?
- Yes, First Sergeant!
- Count off!.
One, First Sergeant.
Two, First Sergeant.
Three, First Sergeant.
Four, First Sergeant.
- Five, First Sergeant. Six, First Sergeant.
- Don't eyeball me.
Seven, First Sergeant. Eight, First Sergeant.
Nine, First Sergeant.
Ten, First Sergeant. Eleven, First Sergeant.
Twelve, First Sergeant.
13, First Sergeant.
14, First Sergeant.
123, First Sergeant.
124, First Sergeant.
- 125, First Sergeant.
- That's enough. On your feet!
Son, I bet you did a lot of push-ups
in basic training, didn't you?
- Yes, First Sergeant. - Well, you
just did your last push-up, soldier.
- I will never ask you to do another.
- Thank you, First Sergeant.
You just graduated
to peelin' potatoes.
6,543, First Sergeant.
6,544, First Sergeant.
Oh, First Sergeant.
6,545, First Sergeant. Ooh.
Six thousand, one-
600,000...
5,452, First Sergeant.
Shit, I lost count.
Wait, we got it!
We got it! Look!
- Ooh!
- That's my butt!
Good one, Bones.
- # Kumbaya ##
- Stop it!
Oh, cool, look.
Hey.
It's a sunroof.
Oh, look.
Gabriella tucked a little note
into my duffel bag.
Yeah.
"Dear Bones, by the time you read this
I will already be-"
What? "I will already be
in Milan with Guido. "
Oh, she dumped ya.
Sorry, Bones.
I must say, this guy sounds really nice.
He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea.
- Jack, don't rub it in.
- No, no. You're better off.
She's a horrible speller.
There's only one "S" in loser. Look at that.
And, "immaturish"?
I don't even think that's a word.
- Gabriella, sh-she broke my heart.
- Sorry.
Well, fortunately, I'm too shallow
to stay bummed for too long.
I'll take that.
Mmm.
Would you mind turning
the light off please,Jack?
Oh, yeah.
Fred, you checked your bag
for scorpions.
- Right?
- For scorpions?
- He's messing with you, Fred.
- No, I'm not.
Chad is the scorpion capital
of the world.
Yep, Fred. They're big ones too.
'Bout as big as my fist.
They outnumber people
two to one.
And that margin grows
with every sting.
So, have a good sleep,
Fred.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night, Bones.
- Night, Sue Ellen.
- Night,John Boy.
Scorpions!
Yeah, right.
I got one.
I got one!
I got one.
I got one!
I got one.
I got one!
I got one. I got one!
I got one. I got one!
Agh!
Very funny!
We're just tryin' to help ya
get over your fears, Fred, really.
Don't worry about it.
You come sleep with me.
I'd rather take my chances
with the scorpion, thank you.
God, I hate this.
It's not that bad.
It's like camp.
#John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt #
- # That's my name too #
- # That's my name too #
# Whenever we go out
the people always shout #
# There's goes John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt #
- # Da, da, da, da #
- # Da, da, da, da #
#John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt #
- Come on!
- # That's my name too ##
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
Don't eat the chicken.
Man, it tastes just like frog.
Are you- Can I-
Thanks. Enjoy.
- Ready.!
- Go!
Who are they?
- Special Forces.
- Mmm.
- 14.11 seconds.
- Damn! Try it again.
- Go.!
- He's incredible.
Time me.
All right.
Go!
Shoo!
Shoo! Shoo!
- Where'd it hit?
- Oh, that's not good.
- What happened? Just-
- That is not good.
Oh, great.
He's comin'over.
Just don't
look at 'im.
- You lose somethin'?
- Yeah, thanks.
You put it
in my lasagna.
You better call 911, get an ambulance,
find a doctor, order a toe tag...
'cause I'm gonna tear off your head
and spit it down your neck, understand, boy?
- Huh?
- Hey! Hey!
You have to relax a little.
Take it easy.
We're in the middle of a war,
and we're on the same side.
Would America
have won the Civil War...
if Benjamin Franklin did not get along
with Eleanor Roosevelt?
- Right on.!
- A little knowledge.
A little knowledge
to "parter. "
- Hmm?
- Go ahead, man.
If our soldiers,
our American soldiers...
acted like this
in Desert Storm...
Saddam Hussein would
still be running Iraq.
Excuse me.
So maybe we're a bunch of Reservists
fresh off the plane, right?
It's obvious.
But you regular guys...
you've been here so long
that your brains are fried!
So I guess, what I'm
really trying to say is...
Come on, genius,
spit it out.
that doesn't mean
we all can't be friends... please.
There's only one problem
with you "newbies:"
- Tell him the truth.
- You don't eat enough.
No, th-that's mi-
Attention.!
As you were.
Son...
I bet the mess sergeant
could use a volunteer...
- to peel potatoes.
- Yes, sir!
- Can we count on you?
- Yes, sir.
Carry on.
I happen to know, on this base
there's not one "unpeeled" potato.
I heard the Libyans are
already backing down...
- and we're gonna be outta here in two weeks.
- Yeah?
I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops,
and we're gonna be here 'til Christmas.
Go like that.
Wait, wait. Hey!
Where you goin'?
It's not like
I got bad breath.
Help.
And until they comply
with U.N. resolution 991...
I don't think anybody's
goin' anywhere.
You're amazing,
Christine.
How do you keep up
with all that stuff?
Christine?
All right,
quit screwin' around.
Chris, send some water
with this mud!
Chris!
Jack?
You-
Fred? Agh!
Agh!
How's it feel to be dead,
water boy?
Ooh.
I don't know. How does it feel
to be a dick, dick?
Dammit!
Where's my water?
There was none delivered
last night, First Sergeant.
Goddamn piece of shit
"newbies. "
How am I gonna run a decent H.Q
without my coffee?
That is truly a pathetic sight.
Who perpetrated this?
O- ooow!
- Who did this to you?
- I can't tell you, First Sergeant.
What? You have
too much honor?
No-o-o! I've been
threatened with death.
Untie these clowns,
and get me some water!
Agh!
#I just love it any ol'way #
- # I just love it any ol' way #
- Ahem.
I have an announcement.
Do you guys want your water,
'cause you're lookin' a little bit crispy?
- You better wa-
- Oh, I know. I know.
Tell me if this is right.
I better call 976, find a doctor...
and tag an ambulance,
'cause you're gonna tear offi my toe...
and spit down my head,
right?
Do you guys want
your water or not?
Sergeant.!
Report to Capt. Roberts.
You've got a mission.
Water boys...
report to First Sergeant Williams,
you've got a mission too.
Listen up!
Capt. Denby says...
we're gonna resupply the forward
U.N. peace-keeping base.
This is a very simple,
routine mission.
You will fall into line in a very large,
very prepared convoy.
All you have to do is follow the truck
in front of you.
When your troops get thirsty,
you will give them water.
Conway,
you look confused.
Are you sure you wanna send us
to a forward area?
- We're just water boys.
- You are soldiers!
You will get in that convoy, and you will
be a credit to the United States Army.
- Is that clear?
- Yes, First Sergeant!
- Then muscle your lollygaggin' butts and move out!
- Yes, First Sergeant!
Dammit!
Forget it.
They're gonna send a tow truck.
Man,
what I wouldn't do...
for a double-meat,
chili cheeseburger right now.
No, a margarita
on the rocks.
Mmm.
Or some fresh,
butteryJiffy-Pop.
- That's not popcorn, boys.
- Hmm?
That convoy's
under attack.
Really?
I don't think so.
- A maniac's shooting at us!
- It's not a maniac. It's the enemy!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Surrendering! Don't shoot!
Damn!
Nice goin', Christine.
Did you have to shoot so close?
You scared the shit outta me.
Excuse me for livin'! I was just tryin'
to save your worthless little life.
Christine, are you aware that
after a near-death experience...
there's often
a desire to have sex?
- Yeah,Jack.
- That's right.
- I feel it.
- All right!
Just not with you...
ever!
- Got it?
- Yeah. Got it.
- I'm glad we could have this little talk.
- I didn't feel anything.
You guys, let's get outta here
The truck's on fire!
Stay low. It's gonna...
explode.
Where's Bones?
Hello!
Now rickity-tick
your mustering lollygaggin'.
Let's lollygaggin'
outta here!
- Isn't the road that way?
- Takin' the shortcut.
- Is there one?
- Mm-hmm. The road curves around like this.
All we gotta do is
cut through the desert here...
- and catch up with the convoy over there.
- Watch out!
I think I know
what I'm doing here.
I guess this is the wrong time
to tell you guys I get very easily carsick.
Bones, I don't see a road.
I have the best sense of direction
of anyone you know. The road's over there.
Three miles...
maybe four.
Oh,yeah.
Maybe ten, maybe twenty.
Maybe our truck
is sinking.
No-o-o!
Push!
Forget it, okay? Just shut it down.
We'll dig it out.
Just stand back. Stand back.
I'm gonna rock it.
Will you quit?
It's not working.
You're sucking too much sand
into the air filter.
- I order you... to shut it down now!
- You order me?
I'm Private First Class. Okay?
I'm ordering you. Come on.
The only reason
you made...
private first class...
is because your brother's
a pool man.
Huh?
You happy?
Get off!.
I hope you brought
your Triple "A" cards.
Let's see.
Well, look.
You cracked the block.
- I could've done it if you hadn't stopped me.
- You're so full of it.
- You know what?
- Shut up.!
We gotta figure out
what we're gonna do.
Why don't you just ask
our fearless leader here?
Pvt. First Class Bones,
the one with the highest rank.
All you had to do,Jack,
was just listen to me.
All I've ever done is listen to you,
and look where it's taken me.
Look! We're in the middle
of some African hellhole...
under a flesh-frying sun
with the sky filled with vultures...
ready to pluck out
my eyeballs.
Vultures don't come around
unless something's about to die.
Are you ripping the sleeves
off your jacket?
That's gonna look sexy.
Jack, tomorrow we have to walk
away from this water truck.
We have two canteens
between us.
We're gonna fill up the sleeves with water
and then we have more water.
Am I the only person
who paid attention in survival class?
There's a scorpion
on my back!
That's enough!
There's not a scorpion on your back!
Uh-uh. There is
a scorpion on my back!
Fred, there's nothing
on your back.
You keep on
imagining things.
Thank you.
I needed that.
I'm sorry I snapped.
You don't have
to apologize.
You're right!
I see things very clear now.
All right.
Right!
Guys, I want to apologize
to everybody. Okay?
- He's okay.
- I feel like a brand-new man.
- Now, can we get some rest?
- Okay.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Just felt like going-
You're always playing!
Did you guys see that thing?
It was-
Follow me. I know
exactly where I'm goin'.
# When all
there's left to do #
Trust me.
# 'Cause you're fightin'
what's been done #
# This is where
sadness breathes #
# The sadness
of everyone #
#Just like when the guys
quit the damn at Otter Creek #
#And all the water
backed up #
#Deep enough to die #
You guys, get down.
I see something. Get down!
It's a truck! There's the road.
We are saved!
I told you I had
a flawless sense of direction.
What a coincidence.!
That truck looks-
That looks like our truck.
Listen you guys. Hey. I figured out
why we went in circles.
Do you remember
our map-reading class?
We didn't follow the sun!
Look, this stream
is due west.
All we have to do is walk away
from the sun in the morning...
towards the sun in the afternoon
and we should be there by nightfall.
So you're saying we should risk
being dried up into human jerky again...
just to follow another one
of your half-baked plans.
I'm not saying anything, okay?
I mean, I'm pretty sure this is gonna work.
But since I let us down before,
I say from here on in...
we put everything
to a vote.
We can't vote.
You order.
- We follow.
- Okay, well I order us to vote.
That is not how the Army goes.
You have to tell us what to do.
What if I'm wrong?
Then... we die.
I order us...
to do a sunbaked...
plan thing.
We're dead.
Hey, guys,just think of it
as a very long day...
on a very big beach
in a very dry year.
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.
Wait a minute.
It's the ocean.
I don't see anything.
What, are you blind?
Th-The waves!
It's the ocean.!
It's a mirage!
It is a mirage!
And there's Caesars.
Right across the street is the Barbary
Coast where you can get a $3.99 buffet.
It's the ocean!
Come on!
Come on.!
Let's go.!
Come on!
First one in!
Come on.!
Here's a canteen. Go get your boy
'cause he's buggin'.
Are you okay, man?
Are you okay? Here.
Take a sip.
Listen.
Look,Jack,
we got two choices:
One, we could put your clothes back on,
get ourselves out of this mess.
Go back to Glendale. Start up our
own store. Become rich and famous!
Or two, you can lie here
butt-naked and crust away...
leaving your skull to be found
by a young Arabic prince...
that's gonna use it
for an ashtray.
You don't want that
in your head.
You make the call.
Come on, let's get outta here.
What do you say?
Come on.
Here. Here.
Come on.
Hey. Oh,Jack,
look at that ass!
Maybe you should stay naked,
get some sun on those cheeks.
- What?
- Man, now I'm seeing things.
The palm trees
right on the horizon.
It's another mirage.
- Oh, my god, I see it too.
- It's not a mirage.
Those are the palm trees!
It's the oasis!
Oh, man.
You saved our lives!
Where's my kiss?
Christine?
This stream was due west.
It was on the map, right?
Where's the water?
This is... sand!
Nobody move.
There is a big snake
right by your feet.
Thanks for not movin',
Jack.
Throw me the gun.
If you don't attack it,
it'll go away.
I- I don't want it to go away.
I want to have it for dinner.
Throw me... the gun.
You want some of this, baby?
There you go. Come on.!
Oh, no. I'm still
gonna getcha!
You're gonna die, vermin!
I'll kill ya!
Huh?
Shudda-budda-da-da-da!
Huh?
It's a win-win situation.
Would you look
at that!
Water from the bullet hole.
Water.! Yeah.!
Water! Water!
Fresh water!
I can't believe it!
Is it snake yet?
- Depends how you like it.
- Well done!
He used to be afraid of scorpions,
now he's eatin' snake!
That is impressive,
Fred.
I thought
we were all gonna die.
But you pulled us through.
I don't know how...
but thank you.
That was, uh...
pretty exceptional.
So what are you gonna do
if I get us rescued?
Um...
I will...
take off all
your clothes...
tie you to the bed...
rub warm oil
all over your body...
from the bottom of those feet
to the top of that head...
and proceed to have
the nastiest...
freakiest sex with you
that you have ever imagined.
Wow.
Oh, that's it. Dammit!
I saw her first!
And look what happens!
The same thing that happened with Gabriella.
I saw her first.
And Wanda Tushman.
In the third grade.
I saw her first.!
And that girl in Palm Springs
that turned out to be the guy.
I saw that thing first too. You know why
I'm not just strangling you right now?
'Cause you
can't cook a snake?
No.
Because no matter how long
we've been friends...
I never thought you'd be the kind of guy
that would save our lives...
let alone kill a snake.
- But you did.
- Hey, man, thanks.
I think it's the U.N. flag.
We're saved!
- Guys, Christine and I are gonna need some time alone.
- Sure, man!
...President in the situation
room of the White House.
The President is scheduled to address
the nation tomorrow at 6:;00 P.M.
Welcome.
You are the Reservists
from Glendale, California. Correct?
According to W.N.R.,
you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
Hmm, where are we?
You are on a military base
well inside Libya.
That is all
you need to know.
Oh, I forgot to mention.
The war is starting tomorrow.
- How'd you know that?
- American TV.
Your country is expected to start bombing
our air bases tomorrow.
When that happens...
we will unleash missiles with chemical
warheads against your bases.
Consider yourself lucky
to be here.
Sleep well.
You know, this is fine. It's like the time
you got us arrested in Tijuana.
Except we're in Libya.
And your dad's not gonna
pick us up here, brother.
Yo, aren't you guys
also American?
Ah, see. I see.
I was wounded and... I don't feel well.
Please sing a song to comfort me.
- Sing a song?
- Any song!
Oh, because of the thing-
- Oh, okay.
# Rescue me #
Sing.
# I want your tender charms
'Cause I'm so lonely #
#And I'm blue #
- My team was on strategic recon.
- Oh?
You know, that's when
you go behind enemy lines...
and try to locate their
assets like tanks, bunkers.
We were on our way to a resupply drop
and we were ambushed.
- The other guys were killed.
- Killed?
#I need you
by my side #
# Can't you see
that I'm lonely #
I took a bullet in the leg,
and they brought me here.
# Uh-huh, I don't know
any words to this song #
- # Kiss me, baby #
- # Kiss me, baby #
#Kiss me, baby,yeah
Hold me, baby #
#Love me, baby #
Use this to dig around
the base of the bars on the window.
- I got one of them loose already.
- Escape? What are you, crazy?
- # Ahh, oh-ho #
- # Uh-huh #
Look. It's the duty of every P.O.W.
to try to escape.
We're in the middle of a desert.
What good is it gonna do for us to escape?
To complete the recon
mission, soldier.
The special operations cargo plane
was instructed to make a supply drop...
at a rendezvous point
about 15 K north of here.
If we can get off this base, I
can get us to the rendezvous point.
You're insane. The Libyans are
gonna launch chemical weapons.
- We're much safer here.
- No. I'm a soldier, and I've got a job to do.
And so are you.
Now get to work... Private.
# Lonely #
# Yeah, rescue me
Pretty baby ##
- Bones.
- Ah-ah, ah-ha.
My heart.
You know what? You didn't scare me.
I just felt like screaming.
Don't worry about it.
Most men think I'm scary.
- You can't sleep, huh?
- I'm too excited.
Excited? They might torture us tomorrow.
They might even kill us.
I know. It's just like
the night before Christmas.
Yeah, well at my house
we got presents.
I'm talking about
the anticipation.
We might die!
We, we, we might escape.
We don't know what's gonna happen.
That's the coolest thing in the world.
Most girls are into
horses and stuff.
You're weird.
Most men say that too.
I like it.
You do?
Yeah.
Horses are boring.
So...
if I do get us out of here,
and I will...
is it true what you said about tying me up
and all the wild sex stuff?
Only if you kiss me again.
Okay.
Okay, wait.
Wait a minute.
I think I got it.
Wait, look at it.
- You got it.
- Look at it.
Oh! Oh!
Stern?
Stern, you gotta wake up.
I can't turn the alarm off.
It's not an alarm.
It's an air-raid siren.
Oh, thank God!
I thought I was having
another panic attack.
It's okay,
it's okay.
Yes.
Almost.
Try it again.
Okay. Cross yo-
That was good. Just a little more
to the left and you got 'em.
You guys just keep trying.
Do you guys realize
what we are doing right now?
This is a scene from
Pirates of the Caribbean.
All we need is that
mangy dog, right?
Quiet. Just try it again.
Hey.
How much do you love me?
I'm sorry, I don't get it.
What is it with us and trucks?
We get 'em, we break 'em,
we smash 'em, we crash 'em.
- We run out of gas. I don't get it!
- Yes, I understand that.
But we're not getting tortured
by Babaga-douche right now, okay?
No, instead we're lost
in the desert... again.
Without food and water...
again.
Stuck with this Special Forces guy. He can't
even walk 'cause he got his leg shot off.
- Fred, we're free!
- Yeah, and we're gonna die free!
Or maybe not.
Fifty-five American dollars.
Then on top of it,
see this truck?
Serious, bona fide Libyan Army
fighting machine.
And it's all part of
this amazing offer, my friend.
I mean, if you're lucky, it
might even have a Kuwait track.
You can play
stuff on it.
Huh? And you ask me, how could it be?
Why such a deal?
Because we're Crazy Boys!
We're givin' it away!
Hmm?
You like this watch?
- Is it interesting?
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Not the watch.
- He likes it.
Come on. It's got the faces
of the moon and a compass.
- What? This has a compass?
- Yeah.
Really? We've been stuck
in the desert for three days...
- and you're telling me this watch has a compass.
- Sorry.
Oh,Jack, you're gonna get some
noogies later. I'm gonna pound you like this.
I forgot.
Well, you're gonna forget about
your little watch here, because it's gone!
Uh-huh.
Here you go, my friend.
Hey,you guys.
In my life...
I've seen
a lot of camels' toes...
but I've never seen one
on a camel.
- I think he's got a crush on you, Bones.
- Really? How can you tell?
- 'Cause he's been nibbling on your ears.
- Yeah?
And licking
on your neck.
It's okay.
You're just a camel.
Our supply drop's
on the other side of that Libyan base.
What Libyan base?
Are you blind?
- It's a Libyan base covered with a camo tent.
- What are you talking about?
- I guess we're gonna have to go around it.
- Around what?
- See thatjeep right there?
- I see thejeep, but I don't-
Oh! You mean that Libyan base,
the one under the camo tent!
I thought you guys were talking
about some other Libyan base.
Will there be
medical supplies?
Medical supplies, uniforms, food,
water, radio. Everything you need.
But where is it?
It's supposed to be right here.
Hey, you guys!
Come on!
Hey, come on, you guys!
What is it?
Oh!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
Hot Wheels!
Stern, these things are intense!
No wonder people join the Army.
# Be all
that you can be #
# In the Army #
What happened to him?
His leg looks pretty bad. I think it's infected
'cause he lost a lot of blood.
But look at his gums!
They're fabulous, man.
Not a touch of gingivitis.
He's been flossing.
- Yeah, but why is he acting so wasted?
- That's the morphine.
Absolutely!
The "morphine," the better.
Hello.!
Somebody answer us, please.!
You gotta believe us.
We're stuck out here in the middle-
Get ahold of yourself,
soldier.
Thank God it's you!
- Listen-
- Don't say my name.
What did I say to you
when you first arrived in Chad?
Uh, something about
your clock being broken.
Close enough.
Okay, calm down, son,
we're gonna get you outta there.
Listen carefully.
Your call sign is now Glendale.
Our call sign
is now Burbank.
Did you recover the fast-attack vehicles,
Glendale?
Oh, you mean those dune buggies!
Yeah, those things are intense.
Good. This equipment
was intended...
for the Special Forces team
to carry out a vital mission.
You are our only assets
on the ground...
with the right equipment
in the right place.
- Say what?
- You have to take over, Glendale.
Listen.
Let me explain something.
First of all, Sergeant,
we're water boys.
- Okay, please-
- You're soldiers first, Glendale!
Now, listen up.
The Libyans have a mobile scud
launching base right in your area.
These scuds are loaded with chemical
weapons and targeted at U.S. bases.
Our aerial photographs
haven't been able to find them.
You want us to find 'em?
What about Stern?
Stern can find 'em.
He'll be up pretty soon. Stern?
Daddy, why can't I go
to ballet class?
Teacher says
I'm a natural.
These scuds...
can't be spotted from the air
because of heavy camouflage.
Camouflage? Why didn't you say so
in the first place?
Listen, we saw the thing
this morning.
Stern wrote down the coordinates.
Right, Stern?
We'll tell you where it is. You guys can
come here and bomb the hell outta it!
- Come on. Send the Air Force.
- It's not enough to tell us.
You have to go back there
and paint it.
Paint it? Trust me.
It looks perfectly fine the way it is.
I mean paint it
with the laser.
The laser target designator.
It's in your equipment.
All you have to do
is return to that base...
point the laser at it,
and call me back on the radio.
The Air Force
will do the rest.
You can be a mile away
in perfect safety.
All right.
Wait a minute.
- Chris? Get over here.
- What?
They can't make us do anything.
We don't know how to use this stuff.
Fred,you use lasers
in dentistry, right?
I know what's goin' on! You're gonna try
to make the brother hold the laser, right?
No. My laser was a little,
itty-bitty laser.
This is a big laser.
There's a difference.
- Glendale? Glendale.!
- No.
Can't they just evacuate
the bases?
Or we can take an hour out of our
busy lives, hop in these cool dune buggies...
pop the base with the laser, and let
the Air Force blow the hell out of it!
- You listen to me, Glendale!
- Please hold yourself there one second.
I'm just trying to have
a moment with my friends. Is that okay?
Have a cup of java.
Please chill.
Fred, when you
first got here...
- you were completely freaked, right?
- Yeah.
Now look at you. Huh?
You're a regular G.I.Joe.
A fightin' man
from head to toe!
And, Chris,
you wanted infantry.
Well, now's your chance.
Let's see what you've got.
And,Jack, my friend,
you were a complete screwup.
But now look at you.
You're still a screwup.
But if you did this
and you survived...
you'd have stuff to tell
your little screw-up grandkids.
Basically, you guys,
up to a few months ago...
we were all a bunch of minimum wage losers
from Glendale.
But this whole event
has changed our lives!
You know who we owe it to?
# The Army ##
This is something we gotta do!
Come on! Get on with it!
- Chris, I know you're with me.
- Yeah, boy.
Fred, listen, if you can't handle it,
I understand, man.
I can handle it.
Jack, what do you say,
man?
Oh, I say,
I say you're crazy.
I think you're all nuts.!
But you're the private first class.
I'm the private.
And I'm gonna follow you,
my friend, wherever.
All right, you guys, let's do this thing.
Kick it, man!
Stern, you ready?
- Let's go, Bones.!
- I know, I know.
There's just a little bit of business
I have to take care of.
You're gonna have
to go now.
You're gonna have to go be
all the camel that you can be.
Bye.
All right, troops!
Let's go bust
some scuds!
#Hit the street runnin'#
# Got a plan
on your mind #
#Lookin'for a shelter #
#Doin'double overtime #
#Feel a little crazy #
#But I won't be denied #
# Gotta find the time
to take her inside outside #
# Tumblin'
in a world of swirl #
#Rumblin'
in a world of swirl #
#In a world of swirl ##
All right.
Glendale to Burbank. Come in.
- I wish we had cooler code names.
- What was that, Glendale?
Nothing. I was just saying
that these code names suck.
Can I call you
General Sweet Pants?
You better remember who you're talking to,
Glendale. Are you in position?
Guy's got no sense of humor.
Yeah, we can see the target.
Have you painted it
with the laser?
Just did.
Good goin', Glendale.
The air strike is inbound.
You should acquire the target
in seven minutes.
It is vital that you do not take the laser
off the target until the target is destroyed.
Can you hold it there
for seven minutes?
I got it propped up here on the rock!
I can hold it all day. I'm good to go!
No problem, Burbank.
Good! Lay low.
And report any change
in situation.
We'll be standing by.
Out.
Come on!
Tell me again
about the store.
Ah, the store.
It's gonna be great!
We're gonna have our own room
where people can get their feet massaged-
Burbank.!
Burbank,
we're under attack.
Hold your position, Glendale.
And keep that laser on the target.
On the target?
We are the target.!
Tell 'em to hurry up!
You better hurry. We've got 60 pissed-off
Libyans headin' towards us.
Stay with it!
- Let's get these guys,Jack. Okay.
- Come on.
- We know how to do it.
- All right.
This is for
the Glendale water boys!
- Not bad, huh?
- Whoo!
Reload.
Turn it!
Shit!
- They missed.
- At least they didn't blow up my head.
- Great going, soldiers. We knew you could do it.
- Oh, Burbank?
I'm gonna find you the biggest
bottle of champagne in Chad!
Don't pop the cork yet.
The bombs missed.
The base wasn't hit. You better send
another air strike and fast.!
Wait one.
Glendale?
The back-up strike of F-111 s
is being diverted to your target.
- E. T.A. three minutes.
- Three minutes? What, are you crazy?
We don't have three minutes. In three
minutes we're gonna be shish kebabs!
We're under serious attack!
You'll have
to hold them.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my god.
You better get the planes here sooner.
The scuds are ready to fire.
Two minutes
and 30 seconds.
Hey. Hey!
Where's he goin'?
Hey! Hey!
All right, my man!
You stay right here.
I gotta go.
Hey, guys
move over!
"Cock firing mechanism. "
- Report the situation.
- Shut up.
"Aim, set range if known
or estimate"?
- Who came up with these directions?
- I don't know.
Tell me to shut up one more time and I'm gonna
rip your spine out and use it for a putting iron!
Shut up.
I'm not good with directions.
"Push safety and hold down. "
Okay, everybody back!
"Fire by pushing trigger. "
Suck on this
a- one time!
Oh. Sorry.
Last chance,
my friend.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Whoo!
Oh, man!
At my signal,
everybody scream like crazy.
Make 'em think we've got
50 guys up here, okay?
One and go!
We scared 'em!
Yeah, don't mess with
the Glendale Reservists!
Behind you.!
Two weeks a year,
one weekend a month.
We're the few!
We're the proud!
We're the water boys!
- Bones, duck.!
- Get down.!
- Yeah, hey. All right, Stern.
- Thanks.
Not bad for a bunch
of water boys, huh?
No! Soldiers!
I'm proud of you guys.
Glendale.!
You oughta be... damn
pleased with yourselves!
Congratulations.
You did an outstanding job.
It wasn't a job, First Sergeant.
It was an adventure.
Hey! Hey!
- You're gonna have to go get a blood test, Bones.
- What?
#Bang, and here we go #
# Watch the road
Don't drive so slow #
#It takes so long
And it's so hard #
# There's a billion bones
in my backyard #
#I get excited
I get so impatient #
#It takes too long
to get back home #
#But you and I, do or die
And we've onlyjust begun #
#And I feel like havin'fun #
Have a good day.
If you need anything come see us.
- Look at that hair!
- Oh, hey!
- How you doin'?
- Real well. Jack and Bones, huh?
You fellas gonna be
all you can be?
It's a win-win
situation?
- Ah, this is crazy, man!
- No, it's brilliant!
It's just two weeks a year, man.
One weekend a month.
- That can't be right.
- I swear!
Trust me.
#It costs too much #
#And I talk too much #
#It takes so long #
#And it goes so fast #
#I can't think too straight #
# Oh, oh, oh #
#And we've only
just begun #
#And I feel like
havin'fun #
#And I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next one #
#And we've only
just begun #
#And I feel like
havin'fun #
#But I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next one #
#And I start offi
feeling swell #
#Pretty soon
I'll turn to well #
#But I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next one #
#And I start offi
doing fine #
#Pretty soon
I'll keep in time #
#But I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next time #
#And I start offi
doing fine #
#Pretty soon
I'll keep in time #
#But I swear
I'll be all right #
# Until the next time #
# Until the next time
Until the next time ##
- What shall we do?
- Water purification sounds good to me, man.