In the Weeds (2000) Movie Script

Hello. Good evening.
My name is Amy.
How many are you?
Do you have reservations?
Hello. My name is Chloe,
and I'll be your waitress.
And this is Martha.
- She'll be trailing me.
- Hi.
Hi. My name's Adam.
I'll be your waiter tonight.
I'll be servicing you.
My name is Stanley.
I'll be your waiter.
I went to Juilliard.
Would you like to hear
about our specials?
We have a puree of carrot soup.
That's a vegetarian base,
so there's no dairy in that.
Our appetizer special is...
Tuna tartar, served
with a very light pinch of -
We've met before.
Our special entre
this evening is...
My Halloween party last year?
No? The bunny suit.
That wasn't you?
You sure?
Steak au poivre
with pommes frites,
Au poivre - poi- poivre,
Served with pom-mes fri-tes,
That's pepper steak
with French fries.
Sandra? Sandy?
You're Sarah?
I'll be right back.
Can I start you out
with something to drink?
Perhaps our special drink
- Tartar.
A lovely pinot noir from
the Napa Valley region, hmm?
We don't have
the salmon croquettes.
Did I mention
the salmon croquet?
How do you say that?
We don't have any,
so it doesn't matter.
And we don't having the salmon.
The croquetas de salmn,
no tememos,
Ooh, you're gonna like this.
And tonight's my first night,
so bear with me.
If your party is all here,
I can show you to your table.
Follow me, please.
If you fold it this way,
it doesn't stay up.
But if you fold it this way.
This is the Le Gamen way.
Like a vagina.
It's the only way we'll get men
to wipe their mouths.
In the kitchen!
Do me a favor.
Run that back with you,
would you?
Where's Brian?
Doesn't he tend bar
on Saturdays?
He sold out, moved to L.A.
to "expand his professional
options," is how he put it.
That's too bad.
The place won't be the same
without him.
People come. People go.
Nothing ever changes.
How's the book look, Ames?
The usual.
Le Gamen.
Amy speaking.
# I need your arms around me,
I need to feel your touch #
# Oh, hey, yeah, yeah #
# I need your understanding,
I need your love so much #
# You tell me
that you love me so #
# You tell me that you care,
but when I need you #
# Baby #
Get out.
What? I'm sorry.
Did you say something?
I swear to God, Marlon.
Why is it every time
my shirt's off,
one of you bozos appears?
Did you guys drill
a fucking hole?
A hole?
Let me tell you something.
I don't need cheap thrills.
Is it too much to ask
for a little goddamn privacy?
Like I'm down here
to catch you changing.
I should be paranoid.
Look at these pecs.
Give it up.
Not every guy wants to jump
in your pants.
And, Becky, one more thing.
Nice tits.
So this is your first time
waiting tables?
I don't have to work
in an office
and the hours are flexible
and you get paid in cash.
It was this or prostitution.
- How long have you been here?
- Pantry.
You know prisoners
that get released,
and then commit a crime
so they can come back?
That's me here.
It's hell, but it's home.
Well, have you thought about
giving yourself a time limit?
No, honey.
I am not saying
you don't know what you feel.
I'm saying you don't know
what you're talking about.
I am not lashing out.
I'm not.
I am not lashing out!
I'm sharing.
Oh, yeah, I did that.
If I didn't make it by 25,
that was gonna be it.
Which then got pushed to 30,
which has now been pushed to 35.
I set goals for myself,
then I don't meet them.
It's addictive.
You should try it.
What will you do if you quit?
Listen, I've got a great idea.
Why don't we get together
tonight after my shift,
and we can talk
and work the whole thing out?
What do you say?
I'm seriously thinking
about becoming a chimp.
I've been reading
this Jane Goodall book.
Those chimps have it made.
They don't have to worry
about their thighs enlarging
and their breasts sagging
or getting their bikini wax.
They just eat, clean, and screw.
What a life.
This is dry storage.
This is where we keep
the ketchup, salt, sugar.
Are you even working tonight?
This is the freezer.
This is where we keep
the meat, fish, frozen things.
Don't stop.
Welcome to Le Gamen.
Okay, girls!
Stepmother's not happy.
We're out of linen,
the ladies' room
is flooded again,
and to top it off,
I just found out Simon's
gonna be eating here tonight.
With a prospective investor,
So I want you all to be
on your best behavior,
or spankings will be dispensed
at my discretion.
All right.
New rule.
As of today, the house will keep
5 /. on all credit-card tips.
That's illegal.
That's highway fuckin' robbery.
I know, you guys.
I really went to bat for you
on this one.
I'm the hired help, okay?
From now on, we ask
if they want bottled water
before we open and pour.
We've been getting complaints
about people being charged
without requesting it.
Got that, busboys?
No pour-o el bottled agua-o
without okay-o from caballeros.
All right.
No more leniency
on unpressed shirts.
No more sweat stains around
the collars or in your pits.
That goes for you, too, girls.
You're not selling
enough focaccia bread.
I want more desserts sold,
and I've got cases of pinot noir
that aren't so great.
I want to move it all tonight.
100 bucks to whoever sells
the most bottles.
Got it?
Get rid of it.
You hear that?
Push that wine.
And good luck.
I tried it. It sucks.
Next on the agenda.
Seems our little Chrissy
filled in a credit-card tip
last night on a party of eight.
- How much?
- They left it empty.
I thought they were
letting me decide.
Well, the total was $400.
So he left himself another $400.
Wouldn't you say it must have
been excellent service?
I got a pregnant wife, okay?
Babies cost money.
If any of you ever, ever pull
something like this again,
you're out.
And I won't return the deposit
on your apron.
All right.
Last issue.
Simon's table.
Very V.I.P.
Who wants it?
He doesn't hate you.
I take it he's sitting up
on his perch.
Where else?
All right, boys and girls.
Here we go.
Happy faces.
Sell with ingenuity.
Fresh pepper and cheese
will up your gratuity.
Up your gratuity.
I heard that.
Five bucks to anyone
who will take Simon's table.
- I don't think so.
I'm gonna get
some Lotto tickets.
You guys want in?
- How much is the jackpot?
- $31 million.
I'm in.
Mexican busboy wins Lotto,
buys restaurant, fires staff.
I can see it.
I'm in.
How'd your big audition go?
It was a call-back.
It was a producer's call-back.
I don't want to talk about it
and jinx myself.
This guy before me is in there
5 minutes.
I'm in there 20.
I almost had to excuse myself.
I don't want to say any more.
Jehovah's Witness.
God only knows.
They're gonna see people
into the night
and then make their decision.
My agent's gonna beep me.
I'm going crazy.
I want this thing so bad.
Can you imagine
getting out of here?
Can I imagine it?
It's all I ever think about.
You're telling me
there's not one available
hetero man
in this whole restaurant?
Well, there's Cliff.
But he's out for a couple weeks.
One of his testicles enlarged
to the size of a grapefruit.
There's Marlon, but he's
too in love with himself.
Like "Romeo and Juliet"
without the Juliet.
Oh, then there's Adam,
but he just had
his little heart broken.
Caught his girlfriend cheating.
Sworn off love.
I'll do the candles.
- You can do salt and peppers.
- No.
Chloe, who is your cute,
little, babe-in-the-woods,
fragile-little-egg friend?
- You must be Marlon.
- My reputation precedes me.
It's nothing to be proud of.
Now get lost.
Believe everything you've heard.
Because you're serving royalty,
I'm gonna have Becky help you.
- Give her 25 /..
- This wasn't my idea.
That's okay.
Simon doesn't tip.
Tonight he might.
Try to impress this investor.
Oh, thank you.
Now you only owe me two packs.
Did you tell Adam about
our session in the locker room?
"C" cup.
Who'd have thunk it?
Did she just insult me?
I think she did.
Raise your arms.
Raise your arms.
Next time use a razor.
Did you see that?
That fascist son of a bitch.
I could sue
for that humiliation.
I never win stuff like that.
It's a dollar.
What can you lose?
A Mexican busboy buys
Lotto ticket for entire staff,
and they win!
They buy the restaurant,
fire everyone.
Can't you see it on 11:00 news?
A dollar.
Not a problem.
Not for you.
Excuse me, Jonathan.
Did you maybe find out
about the raise?
Were it up to me, Hector,
you know I would.
I'm sorry.
Talk to Simon.
If you dare.
I thought you quit.
Made myself a deal.
Every day I don't call Alice,
I get to keep smoking.
That's a healthy incentive.
What the hell is that?
It's Rogaine.
But you're not losing your hair.
Yeah, I'm not taking
any chances.
Did you check your machine?
I'm going crazy, man.
I haven't booked a job
since my agent signed me.
The clock is ticking.
You'll get something.
I can't do this shit
much longer.
You think I don't know that?
I don't think
that Ibsen was serving meat loaf
when he was my age.
Mamet wrote "American Buffalo"
when he was 28.
Dickens wrote "Oliver Twist"
when he was 26.
What the hell have I done?
Yeah, but you're a writer.
You can grow old,
lose your hair, be seasoned.
That's a plus in your field.
I'm not gonna be this
devastatingly handsome forever.
I got an expiration date
on my face.
There are parts
other than leading man.
Look at this face.
It's got "leading man"
written all over it.
Excuse me, sir.
Can I speak to you?
Is it important?
It is to me.
The runners
were wondering about -
But we don't even get
minimum wage, sir.
You're an illegal immigrant,
You're lucky you have a job.
I have a family to support.
So do I.
Welcome to America.
You might want to
unbutton those.
Tits help tips.
Hey, hey!
I left mine at home.
I'll bring it right back.
You better bring it right back.
Jack, she's new.
She's nice.
She's married.
Anytime, ladies.
Why did you say I was married?
He's a dog.
He'll hit on anything.
Chief, my wife's due any day.
Hook me with a good station.
I need the cash.
All my stations are good, chief.
The deuces?
Come on!
What's wrong with the deuces?
Other than the fact
that they suck?
How about that big party
in section four?
I'll sell
all that crappy pinot noir,
That's Stan's table.
Cut you a slice.
5 /..
- Chris, I'm shocked.
Shocked you'd think I'd settle
for less than 50.
That's Stan's table.
But because I find
belligerent sexy,
I will try to throw you
a few extra covers.
Now, what do you say?
Blow me.
And shatter the fantasy?
This is where
we hang out and sneak food.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Adam, this is Martha.
- She's new.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Get out while you still can.
You want me to give you
a dollar?
You waiting my table tonight?
This is a very important meal.
Don't fuck it up.
Is this silverware clean?
There are fingerprints
all over this thing.
Clean it all again!
Go smoke a cigarette
or something.
Just don't let
you-know-who catch you.
Kurt's ready for the specials,
and he's pissed off.
Soup today...
is puree of carrot.
It's not carrot puree.
If I hear anybody say
"carrot puree,"
you're fuckin' fired.
No chicken stock.
So all the little
vegetarian pansies can eat it.
Appetizer is tuna tartar
with a pinch of dill sauce.
No temperature on this.
$ 10.
I got 30 of them.
I want them all gone by the end
of the fuckin' shift!
Can we do the tuna
without the sauce?
Can we do the tuna without...
Please come over here.
You interrupt me again,
and you're fuckin' fired.
Move back, you little rat.
Entre special.
Steak au poivre,
That's "crusted with pepper"
for all you high-school actor
dropout fuckin' morons.
It comes with pommes frites,
You figure that one out
on your own.
22 bucks.
No. Fuck.
It's 25 bucks.
86 the salmon croquettes.
Anybody have any questions?
One more thing.
Any of you little fuckin' rats
go in my freezer
without my permission,
you're fuckin' fired.
And after I fire you,
I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass
back to Staten Island.
- Did you clean all the menus?
- Yes.
Tell the kitchen when
the big tables are coming?
So how's the modeling
career going?
Well, I'm not doing porn,
but I am still here.
Aren't we all?
Adam, because you're taking
Simon's table tonight.
Man came in.
- He's gonna propose.
- Okay.
He wants this in her dessert.
Crme brle.
And he gave me this.
Ah, ah.
I keep one for commission.
Okay. Follow me.
Here we go.
Do you have something
more romantic?
More romantic?
How about this table here?
Oh, my.
This is Siberia.
What's the matter,
you don't like us?
I like that.
That's a table for four, sir.
It's gonna be fine.
Thank you.
So how many years
is your program?
Two years of classes
and then a year of fieldwork.
And my thesis, which is titled
"Love and Monogamy.
Yeah, Right. "
I'm starting to think
I could do my fieldwork here.
If this place counted,
I'd have a PhD.
They're all yours.
Good luck.
This sounds crazy,
but I think I'm nervous.
Just remember one thing.
The customer is always wrong.
Good evening.
This is Adam, our best waiter.
You know, he's a playwright.
One of these days,
he's going to write a big hit.
Right down the block,
probably win a Pulitzer Prize.
But for right now,
why don't you get us
our last bottle of the Perlet,
ice-cold Pellegrino,
and some sliced lemon with that?
Okay, Shakespeare?
Can you fill him
with Pellegrino?
You sure they want Pellegrino?
Yeah, that's why I asked you
to give it to them.
You sure they ask?
Extra Syrup.
Hey, I only do this for you.
Hello, Marlon.
Is Adam around?
I know he works Saturday nights.
Hold on.
Aren't you Adam's girl?
And no, not anymore.
It's over.
Oh, that's too bad.
So you're single.
Take food off my line again,
and I'm gonna take off
your thumb.
She's here.
How many "shes" do you know?
I hope you don't mind
that I came.
You were the one who said
that we shouldn't see
each other or talk.
You look tired.
Yeah, well,
mustard's not really my color.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
You do?
Do you really?
Of course I do.
You know that.
- I love you.
- Don't say that.
And you love me.
Look, Alice, this whole thing
is so ridiculous.
I don't know how I feel.
I think one thing.
I feel another.
And then I think I want to feel
something entirely different.
Alice... you love me?
I'm sorry. No.
I don't love you.
I said it.
It's like a tremendous weight
has been lifted
from my shoulders.
You were right.
Maybe we shouldn't talk
or see each other.
It's better like this.
What happened?
I have no idea.
Does she want to
get back together?
Define "get back together. "
- Love is love, and sex is sex.
- Exactly.
And until women get that,
they are never going to
understand men.
I could tell you,
Sasha never grasped that fact.
I tell you.
If she wants a divorce,
she gets it.
'Cause I'm young.
I'm rich.
I still got the need
to spread the seed.
I mean, you guys are loving
being single, right?
Wouldn't trade it for the world.
Best thing
that ever happened to me.
Can I get you gentlemen
Yeah. You know
a good divorce attorney?
I'll tell you what, honey.
Why don't you just get us
your most expensive wine, okay?
If you need anything,
I'll be around.
It's not hard to get me.
Enjoy yourselves.
- This your 12-top?
- Yeah.
I don't envy you,
busy night like tonight.
You think?
You shittin' me?
Book's full.
Kitchen's slow.
It's a heat-seeking missile.
15 /. if you're lucky.
Boy, if I didn't know better,
I'd think you were trying to
take advantage of me.
I got a good station.
Lots of turnover.
Jonathan promised.
So you want me to give up
Park Place
for Connecticut Avenue?
I don't think so.
It's a fair swap.
You throw in 20 bucks
and it's fair.
- Fuck, no.
- Enjoy the deuces.
All right, all right.
Come on.
I think I'll take
my Andrew Jackson now.
I'm feeling like
we weren't properly introduced.
I'm Marlon.
I'm the fragile little egg.
Don't hold that against me.
I was just being charming.
Oh, is that what that was?
We may not have much time
to get to know each other.
I'm waiting to hear if I got...
Well, it's a lead
in a disaster flick.
I don't want to jinx it,
so I'm not gonna say any more.
Executive producer.
His name rhymes
with "Skeelberg. "
Are you single?
Your eyes remind me of Garbo's.
Look, you seem very nice.
Well, nice.
But I'm not interested.
The second they sit down,
start pouring.
They ordered bottled water?
Oh, yeah.
They ordered it.
Okay, it's perfect.
Mimi, here, please.
Suki, sit there.
George, right there.
Just file in, file in.
Find a seat.
Oh, it's perfect.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
We are having a surprise party
for my boyfriend.
His name is James.
He's a little taller than you.
Great eyes. Very cute.
When you seat him, don't let on
that we're all here.
- Of course.
- Perfect.
Oh, yes.
Now, may I suggest our very
special wine this evening?
An enchanting pinot noir
from the Napa Valley.
It has a clean, flowery bouquet
with a lusty underbite.
- Fine.
- Great.
I'll start you off
with three bottles.
You're married.
I'm a big Ellen DeGeneres fan.
No, I just don't find cocky
a turn-on.
I can be needy.
I'm an actor.
That's our second nature.
It's nothing personal.
I'm sure there are lots of women
who find arrogance, vanity,
and narcissism a turn-on.
- I'm just not one of them.
- Okay, it's the principle now.
You can't just dismiss me
'cause you think I'm arrogant
or cocky or whatever.
I'm not.
It's a cover.
I'm healthy.
I'm balanced.
Whatever the opposite
of dysfunctional is, that's me.
But I like flaws.
I mean, a little too short,
a slight lisp.
Wounded's a big turn-on.
Neurotic drives me wild.
Clearly you're just too perfect.
They should neuter you.
You getting sent out?
- It's been slow.
- Like death.
The last time I worked
was that all-male production
- of "The Diary of Anne Frank. "
- You were good.
Mrs. Frank wasn't
the icy, heartless mother
that she's often portrayed as.
- You got that across.
- Thanks.
A lot of good it did me.
I can't even get arrested.
I'm thinking about getting
new representation.
Who you with now?
Actors and Artists.
How about you?
Artists and Actors.
But I did audition
for this pilot.
Yeah, I read for the voice
of Endorpho.
Extraterrestrial, wisecracking
dog with psychic abilities.
I fucking went to Juilliard.
I went out today.
"Hell Hath No Fury. "
How'd you get in on that?
My agent said
it was already cast.
It is now.
It is now.
The figure's very reasonable
given the shape
the market's in now.
You're not gonna do better.
I don't know if you've noticed
the kind of volume we're doing
in this place, this location.
Down the street,
they've got lofts for sale.
They're $20 million.
$2 million a pop.
They can't sell them
fast enough.
I mean, frankly,
at this location,
the place is a steal.
It's an absolute -
Look, have you seen the way
people are moving in on -
I'll be right back.
I love you.
Yeah, I know.
Could you put your jacket on?
The whole restaurant
can see your chest.
You gave me this blouse.
Not to wear in public.
This Coke isn't any good.
There's too much ice.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't hear you order it
without ice.
What's your name?
I know all the waiter tricks.
You fill the glass up with ice
and save on the soda,
so why don't you take
this Coke back,
bring me another Coke, and this
time, just six cubes of ice?
You'd like six cubes?
I surely would.
- I'll get right to it.
- So you will.
- Absolutely.
- You got it.
Simon's table?
Of course.
What the hell are you doing?
- Do you want to grab a smoke?
- One minute.
Here you go, sir.
Six ice cubes.
Took care of that personally.
Thank you, Marlon.
You treat them
like you deserve respect,
they give you respect.
So, how's table five going?
They haven't said one word to
each other since they sat down.
Well, let's face it.
You run out of things to say.
God, I hope that's not true.
6- top on 7, 8, and 9.
I was surprised
to see Alice, too.
I cannot believe
she had the balls to come by.
She has balls.
That was always the problem.
She has 'em, you don't.
She's not that bad, okay?
I've dated dominatrices
less aggressive.
She's a little strong-willed.
And fat people are big-boned.
you've always got an excuse.
Maybe that's the problem.
Your girlfriends need excuses.
That's not true.
What about Lisa?
Her pop was a drunk.
And Deirdre?
Give me a break.
The woman was German.
Now, kleptomania's
not an excuse.
It's a psychiatric disorder.
She stole your mother's VCR.
What we need to do
is find you a new goldfish.
A nice goldfish.
How about Amy?
How about the new one, Martha?
No, no.
Look, look, look.
I'm in a cleansing period
right now.
The last thing I want to
worry about is sex
or love or any of that other
meaningless bullshit.
So what ever happened to
"Love and Monogamy.
Yeah, Right"?
Despite my thesis,
I want to believe that I have
a soul mate somewhere.
Although with my luck,
he's probably harvesting manure
in Rangoon.
I went in for that
"endless love" crap once.
Biggest mistake I ever made.
We were engaged.
He was the heir
to a glue fortune.
Money up the wazoo.
Anyway, before the big day,
we were in the south of France
at this cute seafood restaurant
on the Cte d'Azur.
And I ordered this heavenly
chocolate souffl.
When I say heaven,
I mean heaven.
Chloe, hook me up
with two Merlots on table 16.
Right away.
So Bob asked me how it is,
and I can barely speak.
I mean, I am nearly orgasmic.
The chocolate is literally
melting in my mouth.
So I offer him a taste,
but he declines.
And I say, "Bob, it is
one of the greatest things
I've ever tasted.
It is beyond food.
It is religious.
It's proof that God exists. "
But he wouldn't.
Turns out
he doesn't like chocolate.
It was that good, huh?
I have pictures.
so I'm sitting there thinking,
"What kind of person
doesn't like chocolate?"
I mean, face it,
it is right up there with sex.
Right up there?
Well, right behind it,
but would you marry a man
who didn't like sex?
- It's a little different.
- Very little.
I'm not fucking some guy
for life who's not enjoying it.
And I am not sharing dessert
with some guy who can't share
a little Belgian
dark chocolate with me
or Teuscher champagne truffles
or even a goddamn Hershey bar.
So I broke off the engagement.
- Martha, honey.
- Hmm?
You gonna wait for
that old couple to drop dead
before you take their order?
That's the proposal table.
You want me to give it
to somebody else?
I can handle it.
Is everything okay?
The drinks were okay?
And the bread?
We're fine.
Can I start you guys off
with something to drink?
Yeah. I'd like a glass
of red wine.
Do you have pinot noir?
We do.
But just between you and me,
it's not very good tonight.
Could I suggest a cabernet?
And you're happy with the table?
We're fine.
You're sure?
Margaret, I know I'm not
the most creative type.
But I've written a poem.
"The number of weeks we've known
each other is exactly 52,
and with each passing week,
I discover a new reason
why I love you. "
Harold, that is so sweet.
- Thank you.
- That's not the poem.
"Week one.
Because you're as lovely
as the day is long.
Week two.
Because you laugh at my jokes
even when they're not funny.
Week three. "
Harold, are you gonna do all 52?
Of course, when I say
there's no room for negotiation,
I don't mean to be taken
Flexibility is a very important
tool in the business world.
Do you know what I mean
by flexibility?
Sport, go get us
a bottle of Pppoli.
Get it now.
Can I get a bottle
of Pppoli, please?
- How's your first night going?
- Uneventful so far.
Thank God.
Out of Pppoli.
None up here.
Well, can you get some more?
No, I got dupes
up the ying-yang.
You know where the wine is.
You get it.
I've only got one table.
I can get it.
That'd be so great.
Thank you.
Except I don't know
where the wine is.
Come on.
How's the V.I.P. table going?
Unfortunately, the fact
I hate being a waiter
doesn't stop me
from being a good one.
I care too much, even about
things I don't care about.
So, what's your ambition?
Other than to stop doing this.
I'm a playwright.
Kind of the way
Jesus was a carpenter.
If I drop dead today,
it's not gonna be the way
I'm remembered.
A writer.
I once wanted to write.
I almost went
to journalism school.
Journalism's dead.
Where'd you hear that?
I don't know.
Maybe it wasn't journalism.
Maybe it was something else
that died.
I thought it sounded deep.
Oh, there we go.
So, what do you want to be
when you grow up?
Wait, wait, wait.
Let me guess.
You want to be an actress.
Getting my master's
in social work.
But you were close.
I'm sorry.
It's been such a long
fuckin' week.
I know.
I heard.
Your girlfriend dumped you
for another guy.
I'm sorry.
Chloe told me.
Okay. Who's she?
Liz Smith?
And for your information,
the breakup was mutual.
Didn't you catch her in bed
with another guy?
I'm talking about
the actual breakup.
I mean, sure,
all that stuff happened.
But after I found them together,
I said, "That's it. "
You know when to put
your foot down.
# Amado mio #
# Love me forever #
# And let forever
begin tonight #
# Amado mio #
# When we're together #
# I'm in a dreamworld
of sweet delight #
# Many times I whisper #
# Amado mio #
# It was just a phrase
that I heard him play #
# I was acting a part #
# But now when I whisper #
# Amado #
Why can't your fuckin' waiter
check out his own food?
Because I'm here.
Now, when will Simon's food
be ready?
When it's fuckin' ready.
You tell that little pussy
I want to have a word with him.
How's table 12 coming?
Hey, moron.
Next time you ask management
to come in here
and check out one your tables,
I'm gonna use my serrated knife
to remove your colon
from your fuckin' asshole.
Now get the fuck
out of my kitchen!
Gentlemen, your food
will be right up.
Our chef is just making sure
that it's cooked perfectly.
It better be fucking perfect.
Because if it isn't,
I'm gonna call the IRS
and tell them how much
you guys really make in tips.
Uno momento,
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Come here.
I'll give it back later.
Do me a favor. Page me.
My beeper's broken.
Your beeper's not broken.
Maybe the batteries are dead.
They'll call.
Adam, our dreams
come true, right?
We don't wind up muttering about
what might have been?
We're gonna make it.
I just hope
it's not posthumously.
Sasha and I are
still dividing assets.
Everything okay here, guys?
We're celebrating.
My friend's getting a divorce.
Oh, congratulations.
Who's the lucky lady?
Maybe I should marry you.
I'm rich.
I'm young.
Put the bull in the bull market.
Oh, is that where you put it?
You should do stand-up.
Oh, I do.
I'm just here to network.
Where's Simon's veal chop?
It's coming.
No, I need it now.
Please, I'm begging you.
Take it easy.
Can you stay up here?
You don't have to do anything.
Just give me a minute.
Just a minute.
You know,
you're really sweating.
I feel like I'm about to have
a heart attack.
Okay, listen.
Repeat after me.
It's just a restaurant job.
It's just a restaurant job.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now go.
I asked for medium rare.
Too cooked.
Adam will take care of that
right away, won't you, Adam?
Here we go.
What do you mean,
it's not medium rare?
What the fuck do you call that?
It looks medium rare to me.
See this?
It's pink.
You know what pink is?
This is pink.
You send it back to them.
Come on, man.
This is for Simon's table.
I don't care if it's for
Mahatma fuckin' Gandhi.
They asked for medium rare.
They're gonna get medium rare.
Now, you get the fuck
out of my face.
Simon's looking for you.
Something about a steak.
Here you are, sir.
Medium rare.
Enjoy your meal.
What are you staring at?
Just my best friend's life
almost unravel, that's all.
He takes this job
a little too seriously.
When he was growing up,
he had a paper route.
He was so concerned the
customers wouldn't get papers,
he'd ring the bell,
insist on handing it to them.
This is 5:30 in the morning.
He got fired after one week.
I need a cigarette.
Try a Valium.
I'll give it back.
Great fucking table.
11 bottles of wine.
I'm not just going
for the money.
I'm going for the record.
He scares me.
I don't know.
Maybe I should just
reconcile, you know?
Save the trouble.
Save the marriage.
Save the lawyer's fees.
That's assuming
Anne would take you back.
Would you take him back?
Take him back where?
She wouldn't get rid of him
in the first place.
Probably let me sleep
with half of Manhattan
and then thank me for not
sleeping with the other half.
Just for a chance
to get out of this life.
And into his plush
three-bedroom apartment
with Central Park views.
Or a spin in his Beemer.
I just traded in my Beemer
for a Mercedes.
I live on Central Park South.
And the interest
on my inheritance
is more than you'll see
in your 12-hour-a-day,
pathetic, little lives.
You touch me again, I'll
knee you in the balls so hard,
they'll fly out of your mouth
and into your mashed potatoes.
It's me again.
Just checking to make sure
you two are okay.
"Week 39.
Because you prefer whole milk.
"Week 40.
The way your feet dance
when you sleep. "
Are you ready for dessert?
- No dessert.
- Yes!
So, do you guys have
any grandchildren?
My grandparents have been
married 50 years.
They say they owe it all
to communication.
Talking, sharing.
Opening up to one another.
- Don't you think?
- Excuse us.
This is not couples therapy.
Those two are years of research.
I mean, if that's the future,
then all this hysteria
about finding the one
and all this pressure
to experience true love
when in the end you've got
nothing to say anyway...
What's the point?
- The bitch is back.
- What?
It's like those horror movies.
She won't die.
- You want me to tell her to go?
- Yes.
Look, I'm really busy right now.
- Do you want me to go?
- I just -
I came back because I know
how difficult this is for you.
But it isn't especially easy
for me, either.
I'll get you out of my mind.
But then my parents
will ask about you.
Or my sister, my friends.
Every time I pass the Thai
restaurant on my corner,
the one you threw up in,
I think of you.
You're everywhere.
Yeah, except with you.
I'm too rational.
You know that.
I don't know if I should
follow my heart or my head.
Alice, English.
English, please.
I'm sorry.
I'm so confused.
Okay, look, I am
in the weeds right now.
Can we grab a drink later?
It's just that when I was home,
they were playing the
Cline Dion song from "Titanic. "
I couldn't stop thinking
about you.
- I hate Cline Dion.
- I know!
I started to think about
all the people that you hate.
Michael Bolton.
The Spice Girls.
Hanson. Madonna.
How worked up you get about it.
And how cute and adorable
you are.
And you know...
And? And?
And I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't have come.
I'm very vulnerable right now.
Bye, Adam.
So, what's Simon having
for dessert?
A chocolate lava and
a crme brle, two cappuccinos.
One decaf for Simon.
The Italian guy wants a regular.
Thank you.
What's she want now?
I don't know, man,
but I see her,
and my knees get weak
and my hands start shaking
and I get these butterflies
in my stomach.
That's called nausea.
It's how I feel
when I see her, too.
For dessert tonight -
Whoa, whoa.
No menu?
Oh, of course.
We don't get to look
at the prices.
Well, all our desserts
are $ 7.50, sir.
$ 7.50?
Marlon, you should tell
your boss,
or whoever it is
that sets these prices,
that Hagen-Dazs only costs
three bucks a pint.
Perhaps the lady -
Perhaps the lady's fine.
Was that your girlfriend
in here before?
She's pretty.
It's just a front.
So, did you guys
patch things up?
Well, she's upset.
She wants me back.
What are you gonna do?
Well, I don't want to
break her heart.
But at the same time,
I got to think about myself.
You can't live your life
for someone else.
Certainly can't.
- Ready?
- Ready.
Well, you two are certainly
getting cushy, aren't you?
He's just so wounded.
Have you ever dated
a struggling artist?
Best-case scenario.
You two fall in love,
live on your waiters' pittance.
But it's romantic.
Okay, you're young.
You cook pasta with ketchup
every night.
You comfort your husband
during his writer's block,
have a baby.
Then what do you know?
One of his plays gets
turned into a movie.
And then suddenly he's this big
hotshot writer everybody wants.
Flavor of the month.
You can't believe
how lucky you are.
Junior's in kindergarten.
All the hard work's
finally paid off.
Then to celebrate.
To reward you for sticking
by him through the dark days.
He dumps you for some
19-year-old actress named Storm
from Bumblefuck, North Dakota.
And then it's you and Junior
eating your meals at McDonald's.
Sipping your root beer out of
special-edition souvenir cups
given away to promote
your ex-husband's
new summer blockbuster movie.
You've thought about this.
I had a crush on him once, too.
- Here you are.
- Thanks.
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon.
Wait a minute.
Were you looking
at my wife's cleavage?
Honey, he wasn't.
- Shut up.
- Excuse me?
- Honey -
- Shut up.
Were you looking at her tits?
I may have glanced once
They're what?
You're a very lucky man.
And you're a waiter.
So keep dreaming.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
I have to go to the bathroom.
- Can't you wait till we go home?
- No.
- Come on.
- Just get the car.
All right.
Look, I'm really sorry.
- I didn't mean to...
- Give me your hand.
Call during the day.
You call my wife,
I'll fucking kill you.
You busy?
Me too.
Oh, my God.
He's here!
I had to cover my face with
my bag so he wouldn't see me.
Okay, okay.
- What are you doing at the bar?
- It's happening, Katie.
- What's happening?
- Things are flying.
Oh, really?
Tell me at the table.
They're flying me tomorrow
first class to L.A., okay?
I got a limo picking me up
in the morning.
Billy friggin' Corgan
wants to produce "Baby Blue. "
Billy Corgan
from Smashing Pumpkins?
Oh, my God.
It is happening.
Oh, honey, I knew it would.
I am so happy for you.
You want to catch
a flick after work?
Let's do something cheery.
How about "Taxi Driver"?
Oh, my God.
It's him.
What do I do?
Well, call him.
That's generally how
these things work, right?
This is it right here.
This is the moment of truth.
My whole future riding
on one lousy quarter.
You got a quarter
I could borrow?
Hey, break legs.
Let's eat!
Wait, wait, wait.
Katie, Katie, please.
Before we eat.
I love you.
Before we go in there,
I want to give you something.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God.
Right here?
Right here.
Those are the keys
to my apartment.
I will never,
ever forget you, sweetheart.
So sorry.
Am I disturbing tea time?
Can you check on the desserts
for Simon's table?
They're not out yet?
No, and I'm not going
back in there.
No problem.
I'll do it.
Might as well put on an apron
and cook the goddamn food.
'Cause nothing seems to get done
around here without me!
Nobody cares.
Okay, I can go down maybe 50.
That's the absolute lowest
I can go.
Otherwise I'm practically
giving it away.
This place is my home.
The staff, my family.
I mean, this isn't just
dollars and cents to me.
Adam. I got it.
I got it.
- What?
- I got it, dude.
I just talked to my agent.
I booked a gig!
Why the lovefest?
Oh, my God.
Marlon got the gig.
- He booked it.
- It's about time.
Did someone just get a big tip?
Our little boyfriend's
gonna be a movie star.
- Yeah.
- No shit!
- Damn!
- Good for you.
What are you still doing here?
Take off the apron and get out.
Well, I can't.
I still have tables.
Who are you trying to kid?
You don't have a conscience.
Get out of here.
I'll cover you. Go get drunk.
We'll get shit-faced after work.
All right.
Deal, deal.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
You won't be needing this.
Thank you.
Lucky bastard.
There's hope.
But what are the odds of two
of us getting out of this dump?
A million to one.
That was a rhetorical question,
all right?
- Hey.
- Hi.
So it's such great news, huh?
Oh, my God.
- He heard the words.
- What words?
He had four words
that he wanted to hear.
"You got the part. "
I got six.
Six magical words.
"I want to produce your play. "
You'll hear them, too.
What makes you so sure?
I know these things.
Do you know, I think I'd start
crying right there on the spot?
I'd break down and weep
like a baby.
I've heard them in my head
a million times.
I've fantasized about them.
But never once have I actually
heard them out loud.
I want to produce your play.
Oh, God.
That was good.
I want to produce your play.
Could those words be any sexier?
I want to produce your play.
I need a cigarette.
Do you want to go out back?
Come on.
Hey, can you cover my station?
No, not if you're going outside.
Okay, we won't.
Can you get Martha's, too?
Oh, yeah.
I got nothing better to do.
Do you know that I dated Alice
for over two years,
and not once did she read
one of my plays?
- In here?
- Yeah.
So, she wanted me to be
on Wall Street.
Oh, you strike me
as the Wall Street type.
I might not be
totally fulfilled.
At least I wouldn't be
doing this.
No, you'd be on some rooftop
polishing your semiautomatic.
At least I wouldn't
be polishing silverware.
Do you know,
if you'd told me six years ago
that I'd still be saying,
"Can I get you some fresh pepper
with that?"
I would have gotten back on the
bus, and I would have gone home.
Can I ask you a question?
When you make it
as a playwright.
Let's say you're married.
Do you think you'd leave
your wife and kid
for some teenage floozy
named Storm?
What was that?
Turn off the fucking light!
Excuse us.
How about those desserts
for my big table?
When will Simon's desserts
be ready?
Okay, could everyone
please just back off?
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
We have to compose ourselves.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm composed.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you composed?
- Definitely. Yeah.
# For I don't know
what I was thinking #
# And I didn't know
what I had found #
# But automatic blues #
What was that for?
Consider it a show of support
for your writing career.
Well, I'd like to direct
one day, too.
Well, one show of support
at a time.
Where have you been?
Simon's desserts
still haven't come.
Step on it.
Come on.
Is that Simon's table?
I need it now.
Hey, I'm completely
backed up here.
When Simon's table is ready,
you'll get it.
- It's a fucking madhouse.
- Tell me about it.
"'Cause when you have a cold,
only your left nostril runs. "
I love that.
"Week 48.
The grunts you make
when you bowl. "
It would take some wrangling.
You know, flowers, chocolates,
week in St. Bart's.
I mean, she'd make me pay.
But she'd capitulate, you know?
Maybe I should just
bite the bullet and do it.
And finally,
last but not least...
"Week 52.
The way a ring looks
around your finger. "
That was good.
I'm full.
I mean, eat.
But I'm not hungry.
Keep eating.
I feel sick.
It'll pass.
Well, after you and Sasha
broke up,
she left the door open, right?
He didn't tell you?
Tell me what?
Sasha's engaged.
Some doctor.
You're okay with it?
Yeah, wouldn't trade it
for the world.
Do you love her?
Do I love her?
You know Anne.
She's an incredible woman.
She's smart.
She's sexy.
I don't like the way
you're acting, Harold.
Let's just get the check
and go.
What are you doing?
But, Harold,
you're lactose intolerant.
Excuse me, please.
I adore you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
I think we have a problem.
Here you go.
I need a word, pronto.
Is there a problem?
No, no.
Everything's fine.
- Where is this man's ring?
- It's in his crme brle.
- But it's not there.
- It's not there.
I finished my poem, and I would
like to propose to Margaret.
It must be there,
because I put it there myself.
Okay. Okay.
Who else has gotten
crme brles at your tables?
No one. That's the only one
I've served all night.
You know how slow the kitchen's
been. No one ex-
Oh, my God.
Gentlemen, it seems we have
a little mix-up.
Let me just get you
a new one of these.
Wait, wait, wait.
Put that down.
Put it down.
It's our best dessert.
What the hell are you doing?
There's a ring in here.
A diamond ring, God damn it!
Do you want the poor man
to choke to death?
Do you want him to die?
Oh, my God.
I'll be right back.
What do you think you're doing,
you motherfucking fuck?
There was a man on table two
who had a ring he wanted us
to put into a crme brle.
It wasn't there.
The only other crme brle
went to your table.
I thought it was
in your crme brle.
Which is why I did what I did.
I didn't want the man to choke
and ruin your dinner
and ruin your deal.
Look, I put the ring
in the crme brle.
Who ran the food to table two?
I don't know.
Who ran a fucking crme brle
to table two?
Frisk him.
You can't get your raise,
so you steal.
I didn't steal nothing.
Search him.
I can't.
I said no!
So maybe there's a testicle
in your sac after all.
I thought you kept your balls in
that briefcase you schlep around
like you're Donald fucking Trump
or something.
Well, Mr. Trump, why don't you
go get your little briefcase,
get the fuck out
of my restaurant?
You're fired.
Look, look.
I don't have the ring.
He doesn't have the ring, Simon.
What the fuck you all doing?
Get back to work.
Get your asses back to work!
Everything's okay.
Just a little...
You know
the restaurant business.
Always something.
Don't worry about it,
Harold, okay?
They'll either find it
or get us a new one.
The least they could do
is bring us the bill.
Maybe it's on them.
Maybe it is.
Where the hell is everyone?
I'd check the party room
if I were you.
What the hell is going on?
Get back out on the floor.
All of you. Now.
You hear me talking to you?
It's chaos out there.
Now, come on. Let's go.
Let's move it. Now.
We're not gonna go out there
until you give Jonathan
his job back.
And who the fuck are you?
John Brown?
He had nothing to do with that
ring, and you know that.
That's just so moving.
Why don't you go stick that
into one of your little plays?
The rest of you get your asses
on the floor, please, right now.
What are you gonna do?
Do you want to start
pounding the pavement,
look for a job
you can show up late at
so you make your little
off-Broadway auditions?
And you're really gonna go far
with all those special
restaurant skills
I've been hearing about.
You gonna bring your kneepads
with you to your next job?
And you.
What the hell
are you going to do?
I got news for you, kid.
You're not getting any younger.
The salad days are over.
Youth has fleeted.
It's gone, okay?
This is it.
This is it.
This is your life.
This place, working for me.
This is as good
as it's gonna get.
Hey, Simon?
Just know this.
Every time you berate us,
every time you insult us,
every time you threaten us,
all we see are dollar signs.
See, that's all you are.
You're my rent.
And my phone bill.
Maybe a Knicks game
every now and then.
But even that ain't worth this.
Nothing is.
So I'll tell you what.
You can take your threats,
and you can shove 'em
up your focaccia.
Because we're not going back
until you give Jonathan
his job back.
A table just walked out.
I've got tables four and 10
who want money off their checks.
I've had to stop seating people.
The man you're having
dinner with
would like to know
how long you're gonna be.
He had nothing to do
with that ring.
He's hired.
Now get back
to your fucking stations.
Shove 'em up your focaccia.
I need one of you.
You okay?
It's just allergies.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Give me a double of something.
I only do this for you.
That was some performance.
Man of the people.
Leader of the masses.
Che fucking Guevara!
I was moved.
Shut up, Chris.
You really know
which battles to fight.
- You're an asshole.
- I'm an asshole?
Jimmy Stewart here
just got you "one for all,
all for one" idiots canned.
You think Simon's
gonna really appreciate
the lesson he's learned
about humanity?
About friendship?
Fat fucking chance.
I mean, it was touching and all,
but I'd touch up my rsum.
I'll see you all tomorrow.
Something light.
See you tomorrow?
What does that mean?
It means he wants to fire you
in person.
Or maybe the place sold.
Maybe we're all gonna be okay.
Is he gone?
Is he coming back?
No, it didn't look like it.
17 bottles of wine.
Read it and weep.
15 of the pinot noir,
Etch me in the record books.
And I got you to thank, big boy.
Keep that Andrew Jackson.
I got $ 100 coming
on top of my tips.
Not now, Chris.
I'm not in the mood.
Not my problem, chief.
Give me my money.
You sold 17 bottles of wine?
15 of that pinot noir,
Next closest, Stan with eight.
Give me my money.
You sold 15 bottles on table 12?
That was Stan's table.
We swapped stations.
Why would you do that?
You'd have to ask Stan.
But I sold more,
so I get the green.
Rules are rules.
Chris, this table
was a price-fixed menu.
The liquor was included.
These bottles don't count.
You sold two.
Fuck, I did!
17 right there,
priced-fixed or not.
We don't count bottles
we're not charging for!
Could have poured 100.
Still would have been
the same price.
Looks like Stan gets the money.
That's bullshit!
Rules are rules.
Rules are rules.
- Fuck you!
- Hey! What are you doing?
Break it up!
Cut it out!
I want my money!
- Get off him!
- Fuck off!
- Get off!
- Stay out of this, Adam!
Leave him alone.
I swear, if you don't get out of
the way, I'll rip your head off.
Leave him -
Hey, hey.
Hey, you guys!
Take it outside!
Break it up.
Break it up.
Holy shit.
You son of a bitch.
You just stood there
while Hector got fired.
Like he can't find another job.
He'll be working illegally in
some other kitchen by morning.
Hey, if he's not out of here
by the time it takes you to pick
up the phone, call the police.
Give me my fucking money!
Dial 911.
Just leave it.
I'll see you losers
at unemployment.
Get me that man's number
about the ring.
We didn't win, man.
Maybe next week.
Oh, when you see Hector,
give him this.
Thanks, man.
So tell me.
Is every night like this?
This is nothing.
Wait till summer.
What time is the movie star
showing up?
Oh, I don't know.
I almost forgot about him.
Are you gonna go?
I'd like that.
Yeah, me too.
I'm gonna go get changed.
I must look pretty ridiculous.
I've had a few drinks.
Vodka, rum, tequila, whiskey.
Come on, mon chrie,
Get out of that monkey suit
and let's go home.
Actually, Alice...
...we're gonna go out.
Marlon booked a film,
so we're celebrating.
What I said
about not loving you.
It isn't true.
It isn't?
You know it isn't.
I called Jeff.
I broke it off.
It's over.
Who's Jeff?
I don't want him.
I want you.
...I'm not gonna go with you.
If you don't take me up on this,
that's it.
Not just for now, but forever.
This is your last chance.
You understand me?
Goodbye, Alice.
Fuck you!
See you all tomorrow.
4:00 sharp.
Clean shirts, please.
Should we bother showing up?
I'll be here.
That's all I can tell you.
We're all gonna go get a drink.
Sounds good.
How was the shift?
The usual.
Congratulations, Marlon.
If it isn't a movie star!
Mr. Hollywood, what's up?
Mr. Big Stuff.
You're too big for us, right?
Is Adam around?
Yeah, he's downstairs.
Come in.
Look who it is.
Well, you could not have picked
a better night
to have your dreams come true.
Been miserable around here?
You'll never fucking believe
what Simon...
You know what?
It's not even worth going into.
Hey, everybody's waiting
downstairs for you.
And it's not 'cause
you're buying the drinks.
- I didn't get the part.
- Nobody can believe it, man.
I mean, it's like proof,
that there's some reason
to be here, to pay dues.
That there's some light at
the end of this hellish tunnel.
Adam, I lied.
I didn't get it.
No, your agent beeped you.
I saw it.
I beeped myself.
He left a message on my machine.
You made it up?
I made such a big deal.
I couldn't not get it.
They wanted to take it
in a different direction.
My whole life,
my destiny stopped
'cause their compass is fucked.
You didn't have to lie about it.
I couldn't have everyone know.
This was the one.
Hey, man!
Congratulations, man.
Who knows the next time I'm
gonna get a chance like this?
You will.
What am I supposed to do
until then?
Marlon, there are a million
other restaurant jobs.
I don't want
another restaurant job!
I want this part!
You're gonna make it.
We're all gonna make it.
Yeah, I got news for you.
We're not all gonna make it.
If even one of us makes it,
it's gonna be a miracle.
Look at me.
I'm a dime a fucking dozen.
There's a million guys
more talented than me.
What if it doesn't happen?
Am I gonna be like another Jack?
Working in restaurants
until I die?
Grateful if I can land
some Preparation H commercial?
You're right.
We won't all make it.
But if you quit now.
If you don't give yourself
the chance to really fail.
And I mean fail consistently,
in an epic way,
like nobody else has ever
fucking failed before.
You will look back
on this choice,
and you will regret it
for the rest of your life.
If I'm going down, I want
lots of fire and explosions
and every shred of my being
to be spent trying.
Fuck it if you didn't get
the part.
Do you really care
what Jonathan or Kurt
or even Stan thinks about you?
I can't go down there.
I can't face them.
Yes, you can.
Could you?
We'll go out the back.
You know, I'm gonna miss
this place.
No, you're not.
You're right.
I had a feeling
you guys weren't coming back.
I'm sorry, Marlon.
What are you talking about?
Do you know
what she's talking about?
Forget I said anything.
How could you tell?
Your eyes.
I was playing subtle bliss.
I guess it was
a little too subtle.
So I guess I'll just go
back upstairs
and tell them
you're not coming back.
Why don't you come with us?
Remember me? The failure?
I don't want to intrude.
This guy advised me
to fail epically.
Go down in flames.
I'll take all the company
I can get.
Come on.
Let's go to Donegal's.
I know the bartender.
I can get us free drinks.
- Cool. Let's go.
- Sure.
- Hey, are you up for that?
- That sounds cool.
Hey, now that Marlon's gone,
do you think I could get
his locker?
Oh. I'm sorry.
But I got it.
But you can have mine.
You know, guys,
this place is just not gonna be
the same without him.
People come. People go.
Nothing ever changes.
# Too bad the jerk split #
# I took advantage
of everything #
# I had in my possession #
# To bring me your affection #
# I took advantage of time #
# I took advantage
of every line #
# I had ever heard you
mention #
# To turn you in my direction #
# And I did what I had to do #
# 'Cause I was falling,
falling, falling #
# If love is like
an oldies song #
# Picks you up
and turns you on #
# Keeps you dancing
till the dawn #
# And I think that
I'm falling in love with you #
# This is all I've ever known #
# And so suddenly to have
fallen in love #
# Keep me running
to your arms #
# I think that
I'm falling in love with you #
Well, have a good evening.
Come again.