Infidel, The (2010) Movie Script
-- Captions by vitac --
Captions paid for by
tribeca entertainment, llc
[ arshad shouting in arabic ]
Reporter: Voices were raised
in protest today
At the home office decision
To allow militant egyptian
cleric arshad al-masri
Into the u.K.
For a lecture tour.
Al-masri, seen here preaching
in pakistan,
Is a controversial figure
both at home and abroad
And has been linked
to extremist islamic groups.
The reaction of the british
muslim community
Has been mixed,
with some saying --
oh, fuck off.
[ electronic pop music plays ]
never say what you can he a
when voices whisper
in your ea r
Mommy, mommy,
mommy.
One, two, three.
Move your arms.
Move your arms.
Come on.
[ speaking
indistinctly ]
[ doorbell rings ]
cold comfort bound
in the night's warm air
That's it.
Come on.
[ doorbell rings ]
there's someone else
in h ere
Come on, darling.
see it in myself
why don't you close
your eyes at midnight?
Darling, he's here.
Delivery man's here.
why can't you close
your eyes for me?
Is it all there?
Yeah.
Tell akhmed thank you.
[ sighs ]
Whoa! What do you want?
What do you want?
A jihad
on the great satan.
Well, we,
the imperialist empire --
We surrender
to your holy power.
Saamiya: I wish you wouldn't
teach her those words.
I'm not being funny,
But does lady gaga look
like an ostrich or what?
It'll be
absolutely brilliant.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
I'm sure the weather
will hold out.
I've already called time
on my son.
Oh, yeah,
I promised dad
I'd help him sort out
grandma's house.
Ah, right,
right, right.
No, no, I was
on my way out anyway.
Make sure you carry
all the boxes, okay?
Ta, mahmud.
Hey, ladies.
[ music continues ]
why don't you close
your eyes at midnight?
what about now?
Okay, mum.
why can't you close
your eyes for me?
why don't you close
your eyes at midnight?
you'd see the other side
of me
other side of me
Whoa!
Weirdo! Aah! Weirdo! Aah!
[ wind whistling ]
I wanted to speak to you
about something.
What? Is it the --
is it the new imam?
Look, I know he's a bit
of a "trendy" --
don't do that.
Do what?
The inverted-commas thing.
Yeah. Readily, it is a bit
of a "cunty" thing to do.
[ tires squealing ]
Christ, bloody cabbies.
They think they own the road.
Look, here's the thing --
I think I know what you
really want to say. I know.
Do you?
Yeah.
Yeah, uzma's a lovely girl,
but, you know, men --
For men, women are like
a buffet, aren't they?
You know,
you don't want to sit down
Till you've piled your plate up
as high as possible, you know,
So it's toppling
all over, you know.
You got a bit of red meat,
you got a bit of poached salmon,
A bit of turkey meat,
a bit of white meat, huh?
You get my drift?
So, it's an all-you-can-eat
deal, this buffet, is it?
Exactly.
Get off.
Dad, the only woman
I'm interested in is uzma.
I don't like buffets.
I prefer sit-down meals
in restaurants.
Yeah, I know, I know,
I know, restaurants,
Where you always order
the same thing --
Chicken karahi with chips
and tomato sauce.
Yeah, I do.
So next time I need a dose
of middle-aged muslim misogyny,
I will call hanif kureishi.
Dad, I need to tell you
something about the wedding,
And I just need you
to listen, you know, calmly.
Okay, all right.
Okay, you got it.
I'm zen.
I'm gandhi.
Go. Go for it.
Right. Well --
[ tires squealing ]
aah! Dad!
Stupid fuck.
You stupid
tossing wanker!
What's your fucking problem?
Learn to fucking drive!
[ classical music plays ]
Wanker!
Moron!
Fucking stupid fuckwits!
All right, where were we?
I know uzma's mum
has been in pakistan.
I'm not completely
out of the loop.
Okay, well, um, she --
she's met someone.
Hmm?
A man.
You know, she's obviously still
a very attractive woman,
Especially the, uh --
Would it upset you
if I said the word "tits"?
Yes.
Although I --
The point -- the point is she's
gonna get married again, right?
Yeah, I'm not surprised,
given the --
No, don't do
the tits action again.
Look, what I'm trying
to say --
When did uzma's dad
die, again?
Three years ago,
so, look --
You know, um,
when my dad died,
I was still so young,
you know?
I didn't want mum to even look
at another man.
But now she's gone, too,
so, looking back --
Uzma's flying out tomorrow
to pakistan
For her mum's wedding,
right, and --
When do we meet
this new stepdad of hers?
Well, um, they're all coming
back week after next,
And he wants
to meet us then...
Yeah?
...Me, mum, you.
Okay, no problems.
So, who is he?
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yes.
No!
That's fair enough, you know,
given the --
Shut it!
Get in here!
Have you gone
completely mental?!
Um, did you put
a parking permit in the car?
Don't change the subject!
God, isn't it enough that you
and I put on a rucksack,
We get a whole fucking
tube carriage to ourselves?
Dad.
Uh, wait a minute.
I know this is in here.
Dad, come on.
Look at this.
Do you know why mum kept that?
I wrote a letter
to this paper once,
Explaining why people like us
have to stand up
To wahhabi nutters
like your would-be dad-in-law.
"this is an issue which should
unite all british muslims,
Whether sunni or shite."
Yeah, well, I wrote a letter
complaining about that,
But they didn't print it
for some reason.
Calm down. Listen.
We need his approval,
or I can't marry uzma.
Give me one thing.
Give me one thing guaranteed
to make me less calm
Than inviting
arshad al-fucking-stalin
Into my family.
Look.
[ truck beeping ]
I just parked
for two minutes!
It was two minutes!
This is my dead mum!
My dead mum!
Tossers!
I don't believe it!
[ panting ]
They never come
'round this way,
Not this time
on a Thursday...
Not unless
someone was...
Was that you?
You fucking...
[ classical music plays ]
What's your problem,
man?
I'm trying to clear out
my dead mother's house here!
[ speaking arabic ]
You got something
against my family?
Is that what it is?
Against mini-cab owners?
Right, yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ laughs ]
It's muslims, isn't it?
Muslims.
Come out here.
Stop it. Leave it.
Dad, leave it.
Fucking come out here!
Just leave it.
All right, I'm easy. Easy.
All right, I'm calm.
Stop! Dad, stop it!
Come here!
It's not worth it!
Stop it!
They think
they own the world.
Come on. A minute ago,
it was just the road.
I don't mean cabbies.
The car's at the pound
in charlton street.
I love this one.
Never knew what it meant.
"he who looks after an orphan
shall be in paradise."
Ah. Yep.
Yep, of course.
Because the prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam was an orphan.
I knew that, rashid.
His father died
before he was born.
You know,
I've read my qur'an.
Yeah, well, the qur'an never
actually mentions his parents.
Anyway, dad,
here's the thing --
I really want
to marry uzma,
And I know her stepdad
might seem a little strict.
Yeah.
But we need him to think
we're proper muslims.
[ scoffs ]
we are proper muslims.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
I meant observant ones,
you know?
Rashid, listen.
Look, I may not say my namaz
five times a day, okay?
I may not even,
you know, fast
Every day
of ramadan, you know?
And, now and again,
A small sip of the old pale ale
passes my lips.
But in here, in here,
by the name of the prophet,
Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
allah lives, okay?
Come on.
Okay, dad.
Of course.
I just need that
to be clear, you know?
When the time comes,
I think maybe it's
what they would have wanted.
[ sighs ]
you're right.
All right.
I promise, okay?
I promise that when
fundamentalist fatty fatwa face
Comes around...
Dad.
...I'll be very --
don't do that.
I'm joking.
I promise that
when uzma's stepdad pops by,
I will be the best muslim
I can be.
Hey?
Thanks, dad.
Come on.
Thanks.
Come on,
let's finish up the job.
Subhan'allah,
look at all this stuff.
God, my dad's military service,
discharge certificate.
You got mum's
birth certificate.
You got my birth...
Certificate.
Saamiya?
Huh?
Where's my mother now?
In jannah.
She's flying with your father
through the seven skies.
My father.
Woman:
Well, mr. Nasir,
I think we can think
only one thing, really.
You were adopted
at the age of 2 weeks
From the whitechapel branch
of the waifs and strays society.
Waifs and strays?
What was I,
a golden retriever?
It's now simply called
the children's society.
Right.
So, who are
my real parents?
Ah, we don't tend to use
the word "real"
In these cases, mr. Nasir.
Oh, what word
would you use?
Would you use "lazy"
or "irresponsible"
Or "couldn't quite be bothered
to bring me up" parents?
"birth."
we say "the birth parents."
Ah, okay, sorry.
So who are my "birth" parents?
Can you not do that
inverted-commas thing?
Yes, all right.
Yes, yep.
If you wish to trace
your real parentage,
You will have to go
to one of the agencies
That deal with that.
They'll put you in touch
with a counselor...
Just the name.
...After which --
Just the real name,
my birth name. I need to know.
I'm sorry,
but my hands are tied.
Mrs. Keyes, please.
In my culture, a man's name
is really important to him.
I'm afraid not.
Just --
just the first name.
Look, you may have had
no name at all.
Many waifs and strays
do not.
Okay, well,
just check that, please.
I'm -- I'm sorry I'm taking
your time, miss.
No -- uh, you do --
did.
So, there you go.
Um, well, c-can you tell me
what the name was?
I'm sorry.
I said I wouldn't tell you that.
No, no.
No, you didn't.
You said you wouldn't tell me
my whole name.
Look, I can't trace anything
with just nothing!
All right, all right.
Will you go
if I tell you?
Yes, I'll be happy --
really happy -- to go.
[ sighs ]
Well, what is it?
Is it akbar? Omar?
Jamal?
I've always liked "jamal."
Solly.
Solly? Solly?
No, there's got to be
some mistake in the records.
Can I just look at that,
please?
No, you said you'd go.
Come on, please.
That's before I knew my name
was solly.
Now, see here.
Just have a quick look.
Please, please, please.
Mrs. Keyes, please.
Mr. Nasir,
I will call security.
I need to look at it.
I need to look at it.
I need to look at it,
please. Thank you.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Shimshiz--
I think it's pronounced
"shimshileewitz."
Security.
Solly shimshileewitz.
Yes.
No.
But that would mean
I was --
I-I-I was --
Yes, mr. Nasir,
As, indeed, it goes on to
confirm later in the document,
In common with many people
living in this area at the time,
You are, by birth, jewish.
[ laughs ]
no.
No, but I can't be.
I mean, look at me.
I'm so obviously not.
[ scoffs ]
Well, it's not what it says
here, mr. Nasir,
And you are also,
at the present time, leaving.
Thank you.
Oh, what?
Give me a break.
You find out
you're jewish,
And suddenly some bloke in
a uniform is leading you away?
That's ridiculous.
Come on!
the virgin mary
had a baby boy
the virgin mary
had a baby boy
the virgin mary
had a baby boy
and they say
that his name is jesus
he came from the glory
he came
from the glorious kingdom
he came from the glory
he came
from the glorious kingdom
oh, yes, believe us
oh, yes, believe us
he came
from the glorious kingdom
[ folk music plays ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I drank some beer.
I'm sorry I fancied that
pram-faced tart in tesco.
Please just make it
not true -- please.
[ man chanting in ara bic ]
Hello, george.
Daniel, how are you?
Very good. Very good.
You're looking well.
Easy, easy!
Excuse me. Do you mind
just watching where you're...
Man: A fabulous track there
by cat stevens,
Or yusuf islam,
I should say.
Morning, jew.
Morning.
What would you like
for breakfast?
Crunchy bread.
Sorry,
did you just say --
Daddy?
Yes, darling?
Can you do up my jews?
What are you talking about?
Mmm. There's too much jew
in this tea.
Sorry, did I say "tea"?
I meant "jew."
Ah-jew!
Ah-jew!
Well, look,
I've got to go to work.
[ speaking hebrew ]
Yes, good.
I need to study this.
[ bell tolls ]
[ rock music playing,
people cheering ]
[ man singing indistinctly ]
[ snoring ]
[ laughs ]
mahmud.
Mahmud!
[ speaking arabic ]
wake up! Mahmud!
Mahmud, wake up.
[ laughs ]
have you been here all night?
Come, come.
Stand, stand, stand.
Oh, geez.
You've fallen asleep.
It's okay.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I got to go back.
Christ,
my wife will kill me.
[ sighs ]
Imam...
Yes? What?
There's something I'd like
to talk to you about.
Is it about rashid
and uzma?
I mean, I know it's
a little heavy
That al-masri's her stepdad,
a little "wtf?"
No. Well, yeah.
No, no, no.
That's not it, though.
Here's the thing --
I've just found out something
about myself.
Ah, a difficult thing?
[ sighs ]
you're telling me.
Something that deeply challenges
your idea of yourself?
Yes, yes, exactly.
I think I know what it is
you're trying to tell me.
You do?
Yes.
You're not the first.
Really?
No.
I mean, the thing is, the qur'an
is pretty rigid on this.
Yes, of course.
But islam is about mercy
and interpretation,
And my interpretation
is this --
If you're gay,
you're gay.
Oh, for christ's sake,
no --
yeah.
Now, now, I know
al-araf ayah 80 states
That ye who practice their lusts
upon men as opposed to women
Rain down on them
a shower of brimstone.
That's not actually --
it sounds bad, I know.
But I think that brimstone
Is already raining
down on you inside.
Yes, but --
And maybe that's enough
for allah.
No, well --
do I look like --
Now, the punishment for this
is death by stoning,
Some say.
But if you read my book,
"islam: The other voices,"
You'll find a whole host
of evidence that suggests
That when two men...
[ speaking indistinctly ]
Well, have you see those
christian louboutins again?
No.
Well, agyness deyn
has stopped wearing them,
So, of course,
now they're all sold out.
To be honest, they look a bit
orthopedic boot.
It's like having a club foot.
[ laughs ]
Muna, mahmud didn't come home
last night.
[ speaking indistinctly ]
Just afraid to answer
the phone.
The thing is, right,
my mother used to say --
We are all hezbollah now!
Nabi, fish fingers?
Kill the unbelievers!
Nabi!
The thing is,
my mother used to say
That when men's mothers die,
they go a bit...Mental.
They're
midlife-crisis-y.
Hmm. Well, has he
recently got a motorbike?
No.
Tattoo?
No.
Back wax?
I wish.
Well, what
about the other thing
That midlife crisis-y
men do?
No.
Honestly.
I read about it in grazia.
What you have to do is,
when he comes back,
Keep an eye out for anything
which might suggest
He's been near
somebody else's perfume.
You think
he would actually --
[ snickers ]
Of course not!
This is mahmud
we're talking about!
[ door opens, closes ]
Mahmud?
I need to take a shower.
Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew!
Aah!
So, I'm dying to know.
How was the big day?
I don't know.
It was a weird wedding --
Catering by al-qaeda.
Check out
their bridesmaids' quarters.
Oh, jesus.
I'm still hoping for an upgrade
to a room in abu ghraib.
[ lau ghs ]
So, how did it go
with your dad?
Actually not bad,
you know?
He seemed to take it
quite seriously.
And I'm keeping him sweet.
I found this clip of this '80s
pop star he likes, right?
And -- wow!
Dad, you look great.
Doesn't he look great?
[ lau ghs ]
Mr. Nasir,
you look lovely.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Um, can I use my computer,
please?
Yeah.
Bye, darling.
Bye, rashid.
I love you.
And, mr. Nasir,
thank you so much.
Dad, look at this.
It's a "support palestine"
rally
That uzma's stepdad's
gonna be talking at next week.
I thought we should go,
you know, show willing, hmm?
Is the bloke with the hook
gonna be there?
You know I'm fond of him.
Dad, it's a just cause,
one we all believe in.
Oh, of course, yeah.
I'll definitely be there.
Okay. Oh, I forgot to show you
something. Hang on.
[ electronic pop music play s ]
Eh?
I've never seen this.
It's your favorite.
Gary page.
So, what happened
to him, anyway?
Oh, I don't know.
He died or disappeared
or something about 10 years ago.
Stop! Stop!
Stop, you fucking idiots!
You morons!
I always go
to sleep at midnight.
It's when I fucking close
my eyes, isn't it?
Fuck off, you fucking paki!
[ crowd boo ing ]
oh, god.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I hadn't watched it
that far.
[ indistinct shouti ng ]
I always knew
he was a psycho.
Okay, so, um --
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.
Thank you.
Okay.
[ sighs ]
[ scoffs ]
What are you doing?
Nothing.
I just was wondering
if I should, uh,
Order a new suit
for the wedding.
You know,
what should I buy?
Um, I don't know.
Hmm.
Where were you last night?
Last night, I-I stayed
at my mother's house again,
Yeah, just thinking,
praying...
And stuff.
All right.
[ clears throat ]
Wasif: Any driver at all --
cricklewood?
Sharif: Oh, um, I got
some blokes with a van.
You know,
you said sort it,
To move some boxes
from your mum's.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you, sharif.
Thank you. Sorry.
It's all right.
It's okay.
Sharif?
Yeah?
We're all friends,
aren't we?
Yeah.
I mean, we can tell
each other anything.
I hope so.
It's good to know.
[ indistinct conversations ]
That david schwimmer --
He's, uh, jewish, isn't he?
He's got enough money
to be, boss.
[ laughs ]
that's it, wasif.
Yeah, you're right, yeah --
rich, jewish...Wankers.
They're all jews
on american tv.
On tv? The whole country's
run by jews.
It's basically
the United States of israel.
Exactly, yeah.
Yeah, bloody jews.
I don't know
about all that.
They're people of the book,
aren't they?
Yeah, people of the checkbook,
more like.
[ laughter ]
that's funny.
That's a good one --
the people of the checkbook.
[ laughing ]
Oh, that's --
mahmud?
Yeah?
You all right?
Yeah, you know,
it was a good one. Yeah.
Anyway, uh, very good.
Keep up the good work.
Jew scum!
[ man speaking on radio ]
It's here on the left.
I put the cones
to reserve the space.
[ doorbell ringing ]
You got really fucking --
I knew I shouldn't have rubbed
that fucking lamp.
You american?
[ british accent ] nah, I'm a --
I'm a cockney sparrow.
Come on, move your cab.
[ normal voice ]
beg your pardon?
What happened to that
famed islamic politeness?
You saw the space was marked.
Move your fucking cab!
Well, great. I've lived here
for 15 years!
I'll park
wherever I want to park!
Just move it up a bit further
up the road, all right?
I like that space.
I always park there.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I see,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's a bit like the
occupied territories, isn't it?
Oh, here it is!
Here it comes!
The anti-semitic stuff!
You heard it here first!
I'm not being
anti-semitic.
Oh, no?
What else you want
to call me, huh?
Hymie? Kike? Huh?
Bagel breath?
Bollocks.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
I'm not being anti-semitic.
Yeah? Yeah?
I can't be.
Yeah? Why not?
Because I'm a fucking jew!
I'm a jew.
Shit!
Don't you dare tell anyone.
I'm the shoe bomber.
Pleasure to meet you.
No, listen to me. I just found
out I'm adopted by muslims.
My real parents...
Are jews.
[ laughs, snorts ]
Is that funny?
Why should I believe you?
Why the fuck
should I make it up?
Well, that's a point.
Yeah.
No point in asking you to drop
your pants, because --
Because circumcised?
No, we all are.
Are you? We all are.
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
Word association.
Nah, what are you
talking about?
Come on, word association.
What for?
Car.
[ sighs ]
Volvo.
Right on.
Uh, happy.
Ish.
Two out of three.
Crystal.
Nacht.
Wow. Even I would have said,
"palace."
Still,
I don't know why --
yeah, but listen.
Listen, listen,
listen to me.
My real name --
well, my "birth" name...
Please don't do that.
...Is solly shimshileewitz.
Solly shimshileewitz?
Now do you believe me?
Why didn't they just call you
jewy jewjewjewjew
And be done with it?
It was nice talking to you,
all right? Fine.
That's almost as jewy a name
as izzy shimshileewitz.
What did you say?
Izzy shimshileewitz -- used
to live around here years ago.
There's an izzy shimshileewitz?
Well, where is he?
Is he still alive?
Where is he?
Fuck knows.
Where are you going?
To move my cab.
What, 'cause you
just find out --
Yeah, welcome
to the worldwide conspiracy.
Would you like a chip?
Got one.
[ booing ]
[ doorbell ringing ]
Yes?
I called earlier
about izzy shimshileewitz.
You the guy that phoned five
of the jewish old-age homes?
Uh, yeah.
How did you know?
'cause we jewish old-age homes
Share info
for security purposes.
We're very tight
on that stuff,
Us jewish old-age homes --
Very tight.
Dad?
No!
I don't think so.
Firstly,
you appear to be...Muslim.
Yeah, all right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
A-a-a-and secondly,
I'm perhaps five years younger
than you.
Yes, you're right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yes.
Is izzy shimshileewitz
in there?
Yes.
Can I go in, please?
Yeah, I-I-I'm afraid not.
No, you don't understand.
I'm his son...I think.
Do you have some sort
of syndrome?
No, no, no, no.
My real parents are jews.
I was adopted.
I've just found out my birth
name is shimshileewitz.
Really?
What, and you're definitely
isaac's son, are you?
Yes, yes.
Well, I mean, I must be.
Look, I'm sorry,
But as mr. Shimshileewitz's
rabbi,
I have to think
of his welfare first.
He's a really sick man now.
Well, then, you have
to let me in.
Look at you.
A muslim son?
He's an observant jew.
It would kill him
stone dead.
[ sighs ]
what do I do?
What do you know
about jews?
They've got big noses.
They like money.
Oh, they do.
Okay, so,
the answer is "nothing."
Look, what you need to do,
and quickly,
Is think about what it means
to be a jew.
And then...We'll think
about letting you in.
By the way,
when you thought I was your dad,
Like a shriveled old man,
Was it because of
the hairless thing,
Because that is genetic,
okay?
Right.
[ monitor beeping ]
[ door opens ]
Dodi, you've come back
from the dead.
Can I come in, please?
[ tea kettle whistling ]
[ whistling stops ]
[ "la bamba" plays ]
[ music stops ]
[ music resumes ]
[ music stops ]
Two sugars.
Thank you.
[ clears throat ]
Look...
I don't know your name.
Leonard --
leonard goldberg.
"lenny" to my very few friends.
Chaser?
No, I don't drink.
Right. Of course.
Me, I've recently developed
a taste for it.
Mm. So, uh...Jews.
Yeah?
Tell me about them.
[ laughs ]
okay.
Uh, well, let's see.
Where shall we start?
I know.
Let's start with me,
the archetype, the american jew,
As american as knish
and "seinfeld"
And slavish support
for israel.
You know,
like my fellow countrymen,
I didn't think
there were any other jews
In the whole fucking world,
especially not britain --
Britain,
land of hope and pork.
A jew in britain --
I mean, that's just weird.
That's like an american driving
a hackney carriage,
[ british accent ] or a yank
with the knowledge.
What's the bloody world
coming to?
[ normal voice ]
but no.
In london alone, you've got
Your hampstead
liberal intellectual jew.
You've got your peter
secular accountant jew.
You've got your hendon
orthodox lawyer jew,
And scum of kosher scum,
your essex jews,
Of which heritage
my recently ex-wife,
Who, by the way, in case you
were wondering, is the reason
Why I came to this fucking
country in the first place
And why I know so much
about its...Jews.
Knish?
A doughy, kosher,
deep-fried dumpling.
And then you've got
your israeli jews --
You know, jews without angst,
without guilt,
Who really are not jews
at all,
[ laughing ] and then, of
course, your jews for jesus.
What in the fuck
is that all about?
[ telephone rings ]
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, adam.
No, no, no, I'm gonna --
I'm gonna -- I'm gonna pick --
Wh-wh-what? Why?
Oh, christ, why?
Adam, you -- you --
you know what?
Fuck off,
you little shit.
Right. Well, I-I guess
I've got to get --
That was my --
my useless, flaky son.
Supposed to go to a bar mitzvah
with him on Saturday.
Now -- now I got
nobody to go with.
It's just I hate going
to those things alone, you know,
All those jews jewing it up
in public, you know?
[ clears throat ]
What, you? You?
Mm-hmm.
[ laughs ] go --
go to a bar mitzvah with you,
Osama bin liner,
ali bongo, captain muslim?
No, no, no. Come on.
I can -- I can blend in.
You know?
You call that a shrug?
It's a shrug.
That's not a shrug.
That's blending in.
Look,
you want to be a jew?
Palms up, shoulders,
then the sad doggy eyes.
[ moaning ]
[ folk music plays ]
hey
hey
hey
Oy.
Oy.
Hmm?
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
[ classical music pl ays ]
Doesn't it just make you
want to put
All your possessions
in a wooden cart
And pull them
sadly and slowly away
From your burning village?
[ folk music plays ]
hey
Oy!
Oy.
That's it.
Yes!
Fucking get in there!
Come on!
Great.
Now let's move on to "vey."
Saamiya: Mahmud?
[ door opens ]
I need to call rashid.
He's --
Hey, how you doing?
Ah, you look smart.
Thanks.
I'm going out later.
Okay.
Yeah, it's a work to-do.
It's, uh, sharif's 60th.
Nice.
Hey, you look --
What?
Fatter? Bigger?
More rounded? Fat? Fat?
No, you look great.
I was gonna say you look great.
[ laughs ]
Anyway, I came to tell you that
rashid's going on this rally
That al-masri's
speaking at.
Oh, shit.
I promised him I'd go.
I've got to --
Mahmud, we haven't
even talked about how this --
This...Terrifying shithead
Is gonna become
part of our family.
Ah.
[ scoffs ]
Saamiya, look --
he comes around, okay?
We meet him,
he gives his blessing,
And just we sort it out
for rashid and uzma.
That's it.
And besides,
this arshad guy -- come on.
How meshugga can he be?
Sorry?
How many, you know,
Sugars short of a very sweet cup
of tea...Can he be?
You know, mahmud,
I never thought I would end up
with a guy
Who thinks he looks good
In a tottenham hotspur shirt
and a pair of chadees,
Who teaches our 4-year-old
daughter extremist language,
And rather than get up
from the tv, urinates in a cup.
That only happened
the once.
Mm --
my "world's best mum" cup
That rashid gave me
when he was 10.
I forgot to clean it.
But none of that matters,
Because the only thing
that matters
Between a husband and a wife
is honesty.
And you've always promised
to be honest to me.
And I've always believed
that promise.
Should I?
Of course.
Of course.
[ electronic pop music plays ]
I saw you walking
with your new love
your mind as black
as a loaded gun
so was it the truth when
you said it was true love?
I thought
that I was the chosen one
[ singing indistinctly ]
Hey.
Dad, you made it.
Yeah,
I wouldn't miss this.
What time
is al-masri on?
Well, there's a rumor
going around
That he's been banned by the
organizers at the last minute,
Which some people
aren't too happy about.
[ scoffs ]
well, I can see that.
It's hot, though,
isn't it?
Yeah.
Whew.
Dad, what is that
on your head?
I've brought this
for one reason
And one reason alone!
[ crowd chanting
"burn it" ]
[ shouting indistinctly ]
Ow! Ow!
Lenny: Okay, last run-through
of things not to mention --
Hitler, "protocols
of the elders of zion,"
Hitler, the fact that you're
actually a muslim.
Oh, well, hey, well,
what about prayers?
There may be one or two,
but when in doubt, just do this.
[ mumbling ]
That's it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Have you memorized
some yiddish?
Yeah, but just a few.
Just sprinkle in a few words
during the conversation --
You know, "schlep,"
"kvetch," "traipse."
"traipse"? That's an english
word, isn't it?
It is?
It sounds yiddish.
Ah, hello!
It's so nice to meet you.
How are you?
Monty.
Monty, how are you?
Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the lister boys,
Sammy and louie.
[ cheers and applause ]
Mazel tov!
[ applause ]
Okay, what kind of jew
is that?
A smelly one?
Hippy jew.
Bohemian parents.
Now a buddhist.
A buddhist jew?
How does that work?
Believes you should renounce
all material possessions
But still keep
the receipts.
Oof!
Look at that.
I'd like to offer her
some serious kosher sausage.
What kind of jew is that?
That is my ex-wife.
I'm sorry.
With her wanking boyfriend,
maurice gross.
Maurice gross?
Psychic investigator
from high barnet.
Julie.
Oh.
Denise.
Oh, lenny.
I'm so sorry to hear
about you and diane.
Yeah.
And now she's
with maurice gross.
[ laughs ]
who'd have guessed?
I suppose
he would.
Well, being
a psychic investigator.
It's a wisecrack.
Oh.
I thought you people --
we're well known
For wisecracking,
us people.
Ladies, this is
my cousin solomon --
Solomon shimshileewitz.
Please, just call me "solly."
How do you do?
How do you do?
Hello.
Lovely event,
don't you think, solly?
Yes, it's very,
uh...Very geschmack.
I-I-it, uh -- actually,
it's very traipse, I'd say.
It's very jewish.
Mm, you're right.
It is very jewish.
Oh, now, solly, I'm sure
that lenny must have told you
That denise and I
are now co-chair...
Co-chair.
...Of the north london ladies
eretz yisrael guild.
Eretz?
Yisrael.
I know it.
So, we were wondering --
So, we wondered if you might
sign our latest petition.
I'd be delighted.
"we, the undersigned,
Believe that the state
of israel --"
"israel is unfairly demonized
by bbc, itv, channel 4,
And all other forms
of the u.K. News media --"
"despite being
a shining --"
"a shining example
of democracy and fairness,
Which simply wants
to live in --"
"in peace."
"in peace
with its neighbors."
Oh, thanks,
lenny.
If you wouldn't mind.
[ laughs ]
J-j-just here, is it?
Just there, please.
Thank you.
I have a twitch!
Aah!
Ow, ow! That --
That really hurt!
Are you all right?
Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
before we eat,
Rabbi finestein
will say grace.
[ singing in hebrew ]
[ mumbling ]
[ clears throat ]
[ rapping in hebrew ]
[ indistinct conversation ]
Be happy to do it.
Sorry to interrupt.
Yeah.
I think we should go.
This is just too jewish for me.
Ladies and gentlemen --
[ chuckles ]
that's nice.
Today our blessed
bar mitzvah twins,
Sammy and louie,
become men.
[ applause ]
Yeah, yeah, it's -- it's good
to be a jewish man now.
Please don't come crying to me
in 30 years' time
When your prostate blows up
like an air bag
And your wife runs off
With a psychic investigator
from high barnet.
[ audience murmurs ]
What?
Speech.
Sorry, monty.
Anyway, boys,
seeing as your father here
Is to public speaking as...
Stephen hawking is
to windsurfing,
He has asked schmuggins here
to take on the bar mitzvah task
Of telling a classic
jewish funny story.
Sadly, though, I've become
A bit tired and emotional
this evening.
So, I --
and also very drunk.
So I've decided
to pass the baton,
To -- to -- to give the task
to my good friend
And classic
jewish storyteller.
Ladies and gentlemen,
solly shimshileewitz.
[ applause ]
Uh...Hello.
Dear lord.
How about the story
about rabbi akiba
And fischel, the --
the village idiot?
Yeah. How about that?
That's a good idea.
That's, uh...
So...
[ clears throat ]
...There was a tale of,
uh, rabbi...
Akiba.
...Akiba,
who lived in...Hotep.
And he always observed
his fedeyezyez flahot.
Uh...
Then, in the syn--
no, no, I know this one.
The -- the --
the shul.
Shul.
That's it, the shul.
Shul.
The shul.
In the shul came fischel,
the village idiot.
Well, what an idiot he was.
And he went up to the rabbi,
and he said,
"rabbi, rabbi!
My foreskin
has grown back."
Um, he did.
He said that.
No, he didn't.
He did, and the rabbi looked
at him and said, "you what?"
And fischel said,
"it's true.
What do I do?"
about his foreskin.
And...
It was that point --
Can you help me
with this one, please?
Yes, yes.
Finish it off.
Rabbi akiba says,
"moses said that when --
when --
"when the light
of the world is shining,
We must turn our faces
to the sky."
That's it, yeah.
"and as joshua said when
the light of the world is dim,
We must turn our faces
to the ground."
To the ground.
"but I say --"
rabbi akiba says...
Yeah, what did he say?
Well, rabbi akiba says...
Uh, rabbi akiba
looked at fischel.
And he says...
[ speaking yiddish ]
[ laughing ]
[ laughter ]
What was that?
Don't ask me.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
[ man singing in hebrew ]
[ brakes squeal ]
Jesus.
See?
Soon as I'm in a cab...
Sober as a church.
That was good tonight.
Didn't expect it.
Thanks, lenny.
Hey, mahmud.
This jew thing -- what --
what's so important?
Izzy shimshileewitz.
What, he's still alive?
Yeah, well, I think so.
I don't know.
I-I can't be sure.
They won't let me see him.
What do you mean?
Who? They who?
The rabbi.
The rabbi at the care home.
He said I've got to get
a bit more jewy.
Did he?
Yeah.
When are you
gonna see him next?
Soon as possible.
Tomorrow.
You know what? I'm gonna take
you. I'm gonna go with you.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm not gonna let
your big family emotional moment
Get held back
by some asshole fruma.
I think --
you know, that's good.
That's really good
if you come.
I'm gonna go.
But you will be tactful,
though, will you?
Yeah.
Because, you know,
this is a big thing for me.
My dad -- you know,
my adopted one --
When he died...
It really cut me up.
You know, and now I've got
this other dad here,
And it's just too much.
Look, finding out you're jewish
doesn't mean
That suddenly every moment's
a therapeutic opportunity.
Salaam alaykum, mahmud.
Alaykum a salaam,
lenny.
Hey.
Hey.
Good night, rash.
Good night.
Uh, dad...
That was a bit weird today,
Wasn't it,
with the rally?
Weird, yeah.
Yeah, it was.
I was just --
I was just trying, you know,
To show support for them,
the big stepfather guy.
Yeah, but I think,
when he comes to see us,
You could, uh...
Turn it down a touch, maybe.
Just a touch.
[ laughter ]
Okay. All right.
Relax.
Good night.
Good night.
Saamiya:
I spoke to sharif tonight.
He isn't 60 until June.
Saamiya.
Do you remember
when we got married?
And you promised to love me
and honor me
With faith and obedience
and gentleness?
Yes, of course.
Who is it?! Huh?!
Ow!
That hurts!
Is it someone from work?!
Work? What are you
talking about? They're all men.
That pram-faced tart
from tesco's.
Blimey,
you noticed that?
But I-I was
just looking.
Hmm.
Anyway, you know,
By the qur'an, I could have
four wives anyway.
Oh, that's why you've been
running to the mosque
All of this time,
is it, huh?!
Ow! Stop it!
You know, I knew I should have
never married a shia.
That hurts. Stop.
Will you stop?
Will you calm down?
Calm down?
I want to tell you
something.
Oh. No, it's not --
What?
You're not --
Mahmud, I spoke to the imam
because I was worried about you,
And he told me that you told him
this thing about yourself,
And I just laughed
because you can't be, can you?
Hey.
Oh, no.
I've seen this
on the internet -- men like you.
They're called bears --
big, fat, hairy men.
No, no, no,
I'm not gay, all right?
I'm not gay.
I've got the wrong end
of the stick.
Listen to me.
The truth is...
The truth is...
Mm?
...I'm...
Frightened...
Frightened?
...Of meeting
arshad al-masri.
At least,
I was frightened...
Till I started going to these
religious education classes.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, night classes
at the, uh, mosque.
Yeah.
[ chuckles ]
[ mumbling ]
Mahmud,
that's so sweet!
You're not ashamed
of me, then?
Ashamed?
I'm proud of you.
Wow.
Hey.
Come here...And show me
how ungay you really are,
You big,
heterosexual bear!
[ sighs ]
[ door opens ]
Ah. Hello.
How is he?
Stable, but no better.
That's why I'm here 24/7
at the moment.
[ scoffs ]
Sorry.
Just thought you said 24/7.
That's kind of weird
for a rabbi to say.
Rabbi, so, this is my friend
leonard goldberg.
He's been helping,
so, yeah.
I seem to remember us
setting a little test.
Yeah, he did. Lenny's been
helping me out with it.
Has he?
Yeah.
Been doing my teacher thing,
you know,
For my yid-muslo, uh,
homey.
Say your shema.
I'm sorry.
Beg your pardon?
The shema --
the lord's prayer.
Oh, don't tell me
he hasn't taught --
Uh, well,
name the five books of moses.
Yeah, I can do this.
[ clears throat ]
Genesis --
Uh, in hebrew.
In hebrew?
Gen-hesis.
What's hebrew
for "phil collins"?
Ex-hodus.
Okay.
I've had
quite enough.
No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
No, listen, listen, rabbi.
My friend has drunk
my chicken soup.
He's danced like a cossack
in my living room.
He told a funny story
at a bar mitzvah.
And by the way,
he got a big laugh.
I'm a jew, and my friend here
is jewish enough for me.
Come back when you've found
a better teacher.
Where am I gonna find
one of those, huh -- craigslist?
Look, rabbi, I haven't even told
my wife and family about this.
Well, perhaps that's
where you should start.
Now, if you don't mind,
I've got a dying man's soul
to care for.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen, you sanctimonious
rabbinical cue ball.
[ indistinct shouting ]
Stop it!
You're disturbing the residents.
You're frightening them.
Hi.
"hi"?
Sorry.
I'm a bow-legged chicken,
I'm a knock-kneed hen
never been so happy
since I don't know when
You don't want to listen
To what that oversized toddler
punk rabbi says.
I mean, I'm a little bit racist
towards muslims,
But this asshole?
If you have just an ounce
of allah left inside you,
He will never let you
anywhere near your dad.
I -- I should --
I should tell people.
I -- I should tell everyone
I was born a jew.
That would be a very unjewish
thing to do.
You know, we don't like to call
attention to ourselves.
We're proud,
but we're proud quietly.
And --
and what about israelis?
No, no, I told you --
they're not really jews.
Yeah, yeah,
they're not exactly quiet
About themselves,
are they, what,
With all the warmongering and
the colonial rampaging and --
Oh, oh -- "if you --
if you throw a pebble at us,
We'll raze your hospitals
to the ground" foreign policy.
Unlike the very quiet way in
which your palestinian cousins
Strap bombs to themselves
and blow up school buses?
Yeah, yeah, you know --
you know full well
That there are
loads more palestinians
Killed by the israeli army
than the other way around.
[ brakes squealing ]
What exactly is your problem,
fat boy?
Who are you to tell me
about jews?
No, don't look --
if you'd been a better teacher,
I would have been at my father's
deathbed right now!
What exactly
are you saying then, huh?
That it's my fault?
Yes!
Ah!
You self-hating mentalist!
Get out of my cab.
You what?
You heard me!
Get out of my cab!
Americans
shouldn't bloody
Be driving a black cab,
anyway!
Asshole.
I'm gonna tell my family.
I am.
You know what?
I don't give a fuck what you do.
[ scoffs ]
anti-semite.
Islamophobe.
Suck my fat one!
get ready to start
flap your elbows
just for luck
then you wiggle and you waddle
like a baby duck
come and dance with me,
honey
tap your toes and glide
and we'll always be together
side by side
we'll walk with a wiggle
and a giggle and a squawk
doing the tennessee wig walk
Rashid, saamiya,
could you come down, please?
There's something
I've got to tell you.
Daddy, the funny men have come
to see if we're muslim enough.
Mahmud. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Come and meet our guests.
This is mr. Al-masri.
Please call me arshad.
Yes, yes, yes, uh...
Salaam alaykum, arshad.
Mahmud.
Alaykum a salaam.
Please, my friends.
Hey.
This is tariq.
Hey.
And this is hazeem.
Hey, hey.
It's very, uh --
Whoa.
Um, welcome.
Welcome, everyone.
You are very welcome.
You are very welcome to my home.
So, uh...What did you
have to tell us, mahmud?
What?
You came in saying that you have
something to tell us.
Yeah, I -- I was just gonna
tell everyone that I'm, uh --
I'm, uh...
bow-legged chicken,
I'm a knock-kneed hen
never been so happy
since I don't know when
walk with a wiggle
and a squiggle and a squawk
ba-gawk
doing the tennessee wig walk
It was just something in my head
on my way here,
And I thought nabi
would like it.
I do!
Is it the theme song of the
worldwide islamic caliphate?
Very good.
[ chuckles ]
So, let us sit.
Friends and family need
not stand on ceremony.
[ clears throat ]
[ clears throat ]
Uzma, where's your mum?
Oh, she's just in the...
Salaam alaykum, kashmina.
Mahmud.
So, let us talk
about rashid.
Yes. He's, uh...
He's a good boy, I think.
Though, um...
[ clears throat ]
As the holy qur'an says...
Says...
Children are
our only trial.
Not quite.
Your wealth and your children
are only a trial.
With allah --
with him is a great reward.
At-taghabun ayah 15.
Of course, right?
Yeah.
Come, now.
I do not expect everyone to know
every hadith by heart.
No. I don't even know
"humpty dumpty" by heart.
All I need to be
happy and content
Is to know
that I'm among muslims.
Oh. Of course.
Of course.
And on that note,
because, of course, we are here
In the hope of sealing
a happy event
Which may join
our two families forever,
You will forgive me the need
of some inquiry.
Brother arshad
can trace his lineage
Back to ibrahim ibn walid
ibn abdallah,
Imam of medina
of the 8th century.
I have to be careful
in my position.
You will have seen
the television cameras outside.
They have been chasing me
since my arrival
Here in brighton.
I must be on guard to preserve
The dignity
of the al-masri name.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yes. Yes.
For example,
a small internet search reveals
That you once wrote a letter
to the local paper
Calling on muslims
to be more "moderate."
Yeah, listen, that whole shia
"shite" thing -- misprint.
You know, I got really upset
about that.
Moderation is, of course,
a good thing...
In moderation.
[ chuckles ]
[ laughter ]
But...This western idea
Of the "moderate muslim" --
That idea
I completely reject!
But then,
I saw how you had changed.
How do you mean?
Tariq.
[ crowd chanting "burn it" ]
What are you doing
there, daddy?
Yes, nabi,
good question.
Yes.
Tariq: We've put the film
on our website.
You have?
and counting.
Insha'allah.
Arshad: Insha'allah.
What mahmud is doing, nabi,
is demonstrating
That even a liberal,
moderate muslim
Can only be stretched
so far.
Am I right, mahmud?
Absolutely.
So, uzma and rashid,
I give their marriage
my blessing.
Let us celebrate.
Please, sing for us,
brother arshad.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Brother arshad has
a beautiful singing voice.
Ah.
Not really.
Please, arshad sahib, we would
all love to hear you sing.
Well, well, well,
just a little nasheed
That my mother taught me.
[ clearing throat ]
[ singing in arabic ]
[ doorbell ringing ]
Uh, I-I'll go and get that.
I'm sorry.
That was very nice.
I was really enjoying that.
[ indistinct shouting ]
Mr. Nasir?
You are under arrest
on suspicion
Of having performed actions
in contravention
To the racial and religious
hatred act of 2006.
Yeah.
How dare you gatecrash
my twins' big day, huh?!
What were you
planning to do,
Put anthrax
in the smoked salmon sushi?!
Come on, now,
mr. Nasir.
Yes, yes. Sorry.
What is this man guilty of,
exactly...
[ indistinct shouting ]
...When the jewish-controlled
western media
Produces offensive
islamophobic blasphemies?!
[ crowd boos ]
Shouldn't a muslim speak out
about the treatment
Of his brothers
by the zionist oppressors?!
He wasn't speaking out!
What happened to your precious
freedom of expression,
You hypocrites?!
Whatever.
Burning a jew's hat,
I'm afraid,
Constitutes
religious hatred.
I must warn you, sir,
anything you say
Will be taken down and used
as evidence against you.
Anything?
Yes, sir. Everything.
[ crowd chanting "mahmud" ]
[ indistinct shouting ]
[ wind howling ]
I'm jewish!
Monty: What?
What?
What?
I'm sorry.
What's that, sir?
I'm jewish.
I was born a jew.
I just found out.
I was adopted...
By muslims.
Uzma!
Well, I suppose that's
all right, then, sir.
Well, is it?
Well, yeah.
I mean, it's like
that jackie mason fella.
He can take the piss out of jews
'cause he's a jew.
Wouldn't arrest him for it,
would we?
This is clearly nonsense,
officer.
He doesn't
even look jewish.
Yes, he does.
What are you talking about?
He's basically a schvartse.
Rashid: Dad.
It's true. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, please.
Come on.
[ indistinct shouting ]
Uzma!
Uzma!
Get inside, get inside.
All right,
the rest of you,
Could you all kindly fuck off
my premises!
He's a live one,
isn't he?
[ engine turns over ]
what do you mean?
How was I inciting
racial hatred?
Schvartse, sir.
I heard you say it.
How do you even know
what it means?!
Rash --
No.
Rashid!
At least
I'm not a shia.
[ blues harmonica plays ]
whoo
Nabi.
Something at school today?
Infidel.
For crying out loud.
[ television turns on ]
I'm jewish!
I was born a jew.
Jesus, moses, and allah.
I just found out.
I was adopted.
[ indistinct shouti ng ]
Matthew: There were
some astonishing scenes there.
Well,
what do we make of them?
Matthew,
I think that this guy
Is multiculturalism
made flesh.
He's a hero for our times,
Somebody that we have to
use as a way --
This is the way
we need to go forward.
We need to look at people
like this and say,
"yes, you're proud
and I'm proud of what you are.
You might look
a certain way --"
Not what I would say,
If you were in his shoes,
the poor guy.
Man: It's not something
that looked to me like...
Hey, guys.
Hey, mahmud.
I think this is where
we're being very naive.
[ television turns off ]
How's it going?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
good.
Yeah, yeah,
right, yeah?
Doing lovely, sir,
good.
You all right?
Where's wasif?
Um...
Handed in his notice.
Is there anyone else
who can do his job?
You need someone
who really knows the roads.
All right, well, I...
I might just...Work from home
today, then, shall I?
Yeah. G-good idea.
I'll go --
I'll go make some calls.
Some...
This.
Mahmud.
Things will work out.
Insha'allah.
What are you doing?
I'm going to stay
with my mum.
No, no. Just put it away.
Just stay.
Let -- let go.
How long
are you staying?
I don't know.
Because I'm a jew?
No, mahmud,
because you lied to me --
Something you promised
you would never do.
[ car door opens ]
Nabi: Daddy!
Hey, my baby girl.
Hey.
Daddy?
Yes?
What is a jew?
Well,
you know that nasty man
On "the apprentice"
with the beard?
[ horn honking ]
get in the car.
And why did some naughty man
put dog poo through our door
Because you are one?
Hurry up!
Who did that?
I'll kill him.
Fucking kill him.
Rashid:
Excuse me, dad.
Yeah, but that's --
It doesn't matter
what those morons think.
[ horn honking ]
rashid, hurry up!
I loved her, dad.
I love her.
Rashid!
I know. I know, son.
And I can explain.
You don't understand.
My dad, my real dad --
to get to him,
I've got to try and prove
that I'm some kind of --
Where's my dad?
Where's my real dad?
[ car door closes,
engine revs ]
[ camera shutter clicking ]
Enough already!
[ indistinct conversation ]
Get away, man.
[ sniffling ]
[ vehicle passing,
horn blaring ]
Fuck off!
Come on, my friend.
Here we go.
Up. There.
We got you.
Leytonstone, huh?
Golders green.
Golders green?
Yeah.
All right.
I want to see
izzy shimshileewitz.
You can't.
Why not?
Well, for one thing,
it's not visiting hours.
And for another...
I've done it, okay?
I've told the world.
Whoo-hoo.
I'm a fat old jew.
Have you had
your pound of flesh?
Huh? Have I jumped
through enough jew hoops?
Have I ruined my muslim life
enough for you?!
He can't stop --
not this prayer.
He's not allowed to.
It's jewish law.
Oh, really?
Oh, well, then I can go in here
whenever I fucking like, eh?
Eh? Whoo-hoo.
Look, I'm in. I'm out.
I'm in. I'm out.
Mahmud.
I'm really sorry.
But it's a prayer
for the dead.
I'm so sorry.
Died a couple of hours ago.
He got your letter, though,
your package.
I didn't send anything.
Perhaps you'd like to go in,
sit in his room for a bit.
I know some of our recently
bereaved relatives
That can help
a little.
Thank you.
Fuck!
[ clattering ]
[ music box chiming ]
[ sighs ]
[ television turns on ]
Mahmud: I'm jewish!
I was born a jew.
I was adopted...
By muslims.
[ bird chirping ]
Mahmud, I-I'm --
I'm -- I'm sorry, man.
If I wasn't such a schmuck
to that rabbi, if I had --
Forget it.
Besides...
This gives you
a big license to schmuck.
You could have used
a different tape.
I wanted him to get it
into the vcr right away.
Did you wipe
the porn off?
Fuck no.
I wanted him to die happy.
Look what he wrote on it.
He remembered it, then --
your name.
Well, that's --
that's something.
[ sighs ]
My life's still shot,
though, isn't it?
My family's left me.
My workmates hate me.
My son loves this girl
that he can't marry
'cause I'm
a big jewish twat.
Why can't they
just get married anyway?
I mean, who cares
what this taliban moron says?
Now, look,
'cause however modern uzma is,
However many
facebook friends she gets,
However many brazilians she,
you know...
...She just would never,
ever shame her family.
That's what it's like
being a fucking paki.
A minute ago,
you were a big jewish twat.
I know, I know.
[ women chanting ]
Reporter: Tonight,
on a channel 100 special,
We ask the question,
Islamic clerics,
such as arshad al-masri --
Are they working for the good
of their country,
Or are they dangerous fanatics
Driven by a desire to destroy
our way of life?
Hey.
So, uh...
What are you doing?
Running.
Are you, uh...
Are you going
to al-masri's lecture?
Well,
isn't uzma gonna be there?
Do you know
how she's doing?
Well, she's obviously
really happy
That because her mum
is now too frightened
To leave muhammad
al-fucking-stalin,
She will have to go
with them to waziristan,
Where the women of her age
legally have to wear a muzzle
If they've still got
a clitoris.
Okay, listen.
I'm going to this event,
okay?
I'm gonna stand up,
and I'm gonna take arshad on.
What?
Yeah.
I've done some reading.
I've read the qur'an.
I've read the old testament.
I think --
are you mental?
He knows
this stuff backwards.
Do you really want to make
a complete twat of yourself
In front
of the whole community again?
Yeah, but, son,
It's -- it's not exactly
the whole community, is it?
Oh, oh, it is.
Since your little moment
on tv,
It's not just
the wahhabi nutters
Who want to see arshad.
No, no, no!
Everyone's interested!
Oh.
Dad, please.
Open your eyes.
Son, son.
[ sighs ]
My eyes.
They're starting about now --
the lecture.
Mum, forget it.
You know, muna's gone.
Well, that's --
that's up to her.
But, rashid --
mum, we're not going.
Remember what he's done.
Look not at what a man has done,
but what he hopes to do.
Who taught you that,
nabi?
Daddy.
Arshad: If that means
refusing, speaking out against,
Even tearing down
those aspects of western culture
Which disgust and dismay
the true believer,
So be it.
[ applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you very much, my brothers
and sisters, of course.
Now, any questions?
Yes?
Brother arshad,
How can we support
your cause?
Well, by listening and acting
on my words.
But also, if you wish, there are
donations that can be made.
Details are available
at the door.
Yes, brother?
Tell us also, brother,
How come you are
so remarkably good...
Mum, I'm gonna go and --
wait, wait.
Have you seen uzma?
Rashid,
look over there.
Where?
That is very kind of you
to say, brother.
Well, I have the advantage,
of course, of coming
From a long and eminent line
of great islamic preachers.
But who knows
if I do them justice?
[ applause ]
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
So, if there are
no further questions...
Yes, holy sister?
[ high-pitched voice ]
question for brother arshad.
Is it possible that you,
being such a fantastic speaker,
There's something
you've forgotten...
Which is...
[ crowd murmuring ]
You're stretched it really badly
now, you big knobhead.
[ normal voice ]
let me ask you this.
Why won't you let my son
marry your stepdaughter?
Well, well,
if it isn't "mahmud nasir."
[ laughter ]
Answer the question.
Mum, what is he doing?
The holy qur'an
al-baqarah ayah 221 --
Do not marry your girls
to unbelievers.
[ applause ]
Until they believe.
I beg your pardon?
Well, that's how
the ayah continues.
An islamic woman can marry
any man who believes in allah.
And my son
believes in allah.
And how can I
believe in the son
When I cannot believe
in the father, hmm?
Oh. Welcome.
No, no, no, no. Don't --
don't get up on the stage.
[ laughter ]
A bit harder.
[ laughs ]
And what are you today,
brother?
What is the...
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ laughter ]
I am a muslim.
[ speaking arabic ]
Well, well, well, well.
Saying our holy words.
At-taghabun ayah 73 --
Strive hard
against the unbeliever.
I believe my shahada,
Because it's
my lord's prayer.
And you know what else
I learned recently?
The jews have
their own lord's prayer.
You know what it's called?
The shema.
What is he talking about?
Do you know what moses called
god in the original hebrew?
Elah --
allah, elah --
Because it's the same god.
Very, very good,
mahmud.
You've learned some
of the qur'an by heart.
[ chuckles ]
mazel tov.
So, maybe you tell us,
mahmud,
Before all this
delicate business
About your parentage
happened,
How often did you go
to the mosque?
Five times a day
I'll assume, surely.
Well...
No?
[ laughter ]
Oh, dear.
Devotion at home, then?
I'll bet if you got
your prayer mat out now,
It would have two big holes
in it from so much kneeling.
Yeah.
[ laughter ]
Not that, either?
Tsk, tsk.
At least, I assume
You kept yourself free
of all pollution.
You're able to admit,
aren't you,
With your hand
on the holy qur'an,
That alcohol
has never passed your lips.
Hmm.
Okay, okay, my son.
I think you
better step down now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can also add
to that list.
I've lied...
To the people
I love the most.
I've been a poor father.
Been trying so hard to find
myself that I forgot myself.
I forgot who I am,
Which is
a husband and a father.
And, yes, I have not been
the muslim I should have been.
But who here has?
Who here has,
except for arshad al-masri?
And what is your name,
solly?
My name is mahmud nasir.
And for once, yes,
for a very short period,
It was
solly shimshileewitz.
And of that,
I am no longer ashamed.
[ crowd murmuring ]
A good man,
a good muslim,
Should not just never lie
about who he is,
He should also
never lie about who he was.
Oh, and,
by the way, arshad,
"strive hard
against the unbelievers" --
It's al-tawbah ayah 73.
Here's the thing
about our clerics.
Some of them really do teach us
about the holy qur'an.
And that's fantastic.
Some of them are out there,
Protecting our oppressed
brothers and sisters.
And some of them...
[ scoffs ]
...Are beardy, weirdy fuckers
who make shit up!
[ cheers and applause ]
Now, listen, you.
I don't care about all
your stupid arguments.
Get off of my stage!
Your son will never marry
my stepdaughter!
Oh, what's that?
What?
What's that in your eye,
that little spasm there?
It's -- it's brought on
by anger, isn't it?
It's called a blepharospasm --
very rare. Yeah.
Tell you what,
why don't you just...
Close your eyes?
[ snaps fingers ]
[ rock music plays ]
In 1962 in manchester,
a baby boy was born.
His name
was jimmy monassa,
Later to be known
as gary page --
My favorite pop star.
Yeah.
Gary made one good album
and a lot of shit ones.
This one in particular --
really shit.
Gary -- oh, fuck it.
Gary "died"
about 10 years ago.
Yeah, at that time he was
trying to avoid a few tax issues
And nonpayment of child support
To five kids
from five different women.
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Stop, you fucking idiots!
Fuck off, you fucking paki!
[ crowd murmuring ]
Now, his left eye,
the blepharospasm.
Well done.
Oh, and by the way --
not that it matters --
Just so you know,
mr. And mrs. Monassa --
Scientologists.
[ laughter ]
[ rock music plays ]
Come here,
you crazy, crazy man.
That's my dad.
Yep. That's my dad.
Dad, that was class.
How did you know?
I know. It's when he came out
and sang that song.
I'd -- I'd know that tone
anywhere.
But it wasn't until you told me
to open my eyes, son.
Thanks, my son.
Hey.
Hey!
Lenny:
Liverpool street.
Liverpool street.
Anyone?
Liverpool street.
Liverpool fucking motherfucking
street station!
Anyone! For fuck's sake!
Man: I can't hear you.
I'm pinned up in here.
Woman: I'm never using
this company again.
Right, sorry.
[ telephone rings ]
Yeah.
Mahmud: Yeah, I'd like a car
to lancaster, please.
Mahmud, where are you?
You --
you give me this job
And then you don't show up
yourself, you schmuck.
In fact,
I'd like three cars,
Like you're
supposed to have sorted?
It's today, lenny!
Today!
You schmucking twat.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
[ camera shutter clicks ]
Mmm!
[ man rapping in arabic ]
[ cheering ]
Are you all right?
Oh, mahmud, mahmud.
Saamiya: Oh, my god, mahmud,
are you okay?
Somebody come and help.
Come and help.
[ indistinct conversations ]
Hey.
[ clears throat ]
Muslim enough for you?
Actually wasn't that bad,
you know?
Hmm.
I quite enjoyed it,
being a jew.
What was that?
What was what?
What was that?
What?
What? That you did --
you did --
You did a big...Gesture,
Big-nose gesture
when you said "jew."
I did not.
You did, too.
No, I was just doing a --
it's a friendly wave.
Who were you waving at?
What?
Who were you waving at?
I was waving at you.
Hey.
You see, no,
you haven't learned a thing.
You -- you --
you did the big-nose mime,
The schnozzle mime.
That's what you did.
It's -- it's -- it's all
anti-semitism with jews.
You know that?
It's true.
Asking to move your cab
is anti-semitic.
You know, I do a wave at you,
I'm hitler.
I invite you to my son's
wedding, and what do you do?
You know, if you're
gonna be anti-semitic,
At least stop sounding
so jewish.
Ha!
There you go again!
What?
There you go again!
What?
You -- what is it
with you people?
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
You are "you people."
that's why you have a big nose.
That's -- no, there's nature
and there's nurture.
This nose -- big, yes,
but it was made in pakistan.
It's not jewish.
You know, yeah.
That's -- that's right.
It was made in pakistan.
It's not jewish because it
doesn't have enough suffering
To be a real jewish nose.
You're actually
very racist.
You're very racist.
You know that?
I am not racist.
I'm saying that my nose is
a real jewish nose.
You don't even know
about you.
You have some papers
that say you're jewish.
I don't care
if I have a jewish nose.
Who knows if you're
really izzy's son?
I don't know that.
Let me tell you something.
Your cockney accent
is shite.
yes, I got to have faith
mm, I got to have faith
because I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith
I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith
baby
I know
you're asking me to stay
saying please, please,
please, don't go away
you say
I'm giving you the blues
maybe, huh
you mean every word you say
can't help
but think of yesterday
and another who tied me down
to loverboy rules
before this river
becomes an ocean
before you throw my heart
back on the floor
oh, baby, I reconsider
my foolish notion
well, I need someone
to hold me
but I'll wait
for something more
yes, I got to have faith
mm, I got to have faith
because I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith
I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith
[ intro to "this confusion"
plays ]
I went to the house of love
I thought it was the place
I should be in
I thought I knew
just where I was
but I was really lost
inside myself
I've spoke to many wiser men
they talk
about a brand-new day
unless you do it
through and through
until my soul
had gone astray
oh, lord, you've got
to make me see
you got to give some
you got to point the way out
oh, lord,
I want to see it through
I want to understand
I want to know who I am
lord, help me please
get through this confusion
you've just got to help me
through this confusion
never gonna work it out
never gonna learn
a whole new song
know I'm gonna be the fool
always gonna get it
all so wrong
but there is a way to go
never gonna set this world
to right
until I find myself
get myself in my own sight
oh, lord,
you got to make me see
you got to give some
you got to point the way out
oh, lord,
I want to see it through
I want to understand
I want to know who I am
lord, help me please
get through this confusion
you've just got to help me
through this confusion
Captions paid for by
tribeca entertainment, llc
[ arshad shouting in arabic ]
Reporter: Voices were raised
in protest today
At the home office decision
To allow militant egyptian
cleric arshad al-masri
Into the u.K.
For a lecture tour.
Al-masri, seen here preaching
in pakistan,
Is a controversial figure
both at home and abroad
And has been linked
to extremist islamic groups.
The reaction of the british
muslim community
Has been mixed,
with some saying --
oh, fuck off.
[ electronic pop music plays ]
never say what you can he a
when voices whisper
in your ea r
Mommy, mommy,
mommy.
One, two, three.
Move your arms.
Move your arms.
Come on.
[ speaking
indistinctly ]
[ doorbell rings ]
cold comfort bound
in the night's warm air
That's it.
Come on.
[ doorbell rings ]
there's someone else
in h ere
Come on, darling.
see it in myself
why don't you close
your eyes at midnight?
Darling, he's here.
Delivery man's here.
why can't you close
your eyes for me?
Is it all there?
Yeah.
Tell akhmed thank you.
[ sighs ]
Whoa! What do you want?
What do you want?
A jihad
on the great satan.
Well, we,
the imperialist empire --
We surrender
to your holy power.
Saamiya: I wish you wouldn't
teach her those words.
I'm not being funny,
But does lady gaga look
like an ostrich or what?
It'll be
absolutely brilliant.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
I'm sure the weather
will hold out.
I've already called time
on my son.
Oh, yeah,
I promised dad
I'd help him sort out
grandma's house.
Ah, right,
right, right.
No, no, I was
on my way out anyway.
Make sure you carry
all the boxes, okay?
Ta, mahmud.
Hey, ladies.
[ music continues ]
why don't you close
your eyes at midnight?
what about now?
Okay, mum.
why can't you close
your eyes for me?
why don't you close
your eyes at midnight?
you'd see the other side
of me
other side of me
Whoa!
Weirdo! Aah! Weirdo! Aah!
[ wind whistling ]
I wanted to speak to you
about something.
What? Is it the --
is it the new imam?
Look, I know he's a bit
of a "trendy" --
don't do that.
Do what?
The inverted-commas thing.
Yeah. Readily, it is a bit
of a "cunty" thing to do.
[ tires squealing ]
Christ, bloody cabbies.
They think they own the road.
Look, here's the thing --
I think I know what you
really want to say. I know.
Do you?
Yeah.
Yeah, uzma's a lovely girl,
but, you know, men --
For men, women are like
a buffet, aren't they?
You know,
you don't want to sit down
Till you've piled your plate up
as high as possible, you know,
So it's toppling
all over, you know.
You got a bit of red meat,
you got a bit of poached salmon,
A bit of turkey meat,
a bit of white meat, huh?
You get my drift?
So, it's an all-you-can-eat
deal, this buffet, is it?
Exactly.
Get off.
Dad, the only woman
I'm interested in is uzma.
I don't like buffets.
I prefer sit-down meals
in restaurants.
Yeah, I know, I know,
I know, restaurants,
Where you always order
the same thing --
Chicken karahi with chips
and tomato sauce.
Yeah, I do.
So next time I need a dose
of middle-aged muslim misogyny,
I will call hanif kureishi.
Dad, I need to tell you
something about the wedding,
And I just need you
to listen, you know, calmly.
Okay, all right.
Okay, you got it.
I'm zen.
I'm gandhi.
Go. Go for it.
Right. Well --
[ tires squealing ]
aah! Dad!
Stupid fuck.
You stupid
tossing wanker!
What's your fucking problem?
Learn to fucking drive!
[ classical music plays ]
Wanker!
Moron!
Fucking stupid fuckwits!
All right, where were we?
I know uzma's mum
has been in pakistan.
I'm not completely
out of the loop.
Okay, well, um, she --
she's met someone.
Hmm?
A man.
You know, she's obviously still
a very attractive woman,
Especially the, uh --
Would it upset you
if I said the word "tits"?
Yes.
Although I --
The point -- the point is she's
gonna get married again, right?
Yeah, I'm not surprised,
given the --
No, don't do
the tits action again.
Look, what I'm trying
to say --
When did uzma's dad
die, again?
Three years ago,
so, look --
You know, um,
when my dad died,
I was still so young,
you know?
I didn't want mum to even look
at another man.
But now she's gone, too,
so, looking back --
Uzma's flying out tomorrow
to pakistan
For her mum's wedding,
right, and --
When do we meet
this new stepdad of hers?
Well, um, they're all coming
back week after next,
And he wants
to meet us then...
Yeah?
...Me, mum, you.
Okay, no problems.
So, who is he?
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yes.
No!
That's fair enough, you know,
given the --
Shut it!
Get in here!
Have you gone
completely mental?!
Um, did you put
a parking permit in the car?
Don't change the subject!
God, isn't it enough that you
and I put on a rucksack,
We get a whole fucking
tube carriage to ourselves?
Dad.
Uh, wait a minute.
I know this is in here.
Dad, come on.
Look at this.
Do you know why mum kept that?
I wrote a letter
to this paper once,
Explaining why people like us
have to stand up
To wahhabi nutters
like your would-be dad-in-law.
"this is an issue which should
unite all british muslims,
Whether sunni or shite."
Yeah, well, I wrote a letter
complaining about that,
But they didn't print it
for some reason.
Calm down. Listen.
We need his approval,
or I can't marry uzma.
Give me one thing.
Give me one thing guaranteed
to make me less calm
Than inviting
arshad al-fucking-stalin
Into my family.
Look.
[ truck beeping ]
I just parked
for two minutes!
It was two minutes!
This is my dead mum!
My dead mum!
Tossers!
I don't believe it!
[ panting ]
They never come
'round this way,
Not this time
on a Thursday...
Not unless
someone was...
Was that you?
You fucking...
[ classical music plays ]
What's your problem,
man?
I'm trying to clear out
my dead mother's house here!
[ speaking arabic ]
You got something
against my family?
Is that what it is?
Against mini-cab owners?
Right, yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ laughs ]
It's muslims, isn't it?
Muslims.
Come out here.
Stop it. Leave it.
Dad, leave it.
Fucking come out here!
Just leave it.
All right, I'm easy. Easy.
All right, I'm calm.
Stop! Dad, stop it!
Come here!
It's not worth it!
Stop it!
They think
they own the world.
Come on. A minute ago,
it was just the road.
I don't mean cabbies.
The car's at the pound
in charlton street.
I love this one.
Never knew what it meant.
"he who looks after an orphan
shall be in paradise."
Ah. Yep.
Yep, of course.
Because the prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam was an orphan.
I knew that, rashid.
His father died
before he was born.
You know,
I've read my qur'an.
Yeah, well, the qur'an never
actually mentions his parents.
Anyway, dad,
here's the thing --
I really want
to marry uzma,
And I know her stepdad
might seem a little strict.
Yeah.
But we need him to think
we're proper muslims.
[ scoffs ]
we are proper muslims.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
I meant observant ones,
you know?
Rashid, listen.
Look, I may not say my namaz
five times a day, okay?
I may not even,
you know, fast
Every day
of ramadan, you know?
And, now and again,
A small sip of the old pale ale
passes my lips.
But in here, in here,
by the name of the prophet,
Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
allah lives, okay?
Come on.
Okay, dad.
Of course.
I just need that
to be clear, you know?
When the time comes,
I think maybe it's
what they would have wanted.
[ sighs ]
you're right.
All right.
I promise, okay?
I promise that when
fundamentalist fatty fatwa face
Comes around...
Dad.
...I'll be very --
don't do that.
I'm joking.
I promise that
when uzma's stepdad pops by,
I will be the best muslim
I can be.
Hey?
Thanks, dad.
Come on.
Thanks.
Come on,
let's finish up the job.
Subhan'allah,
look at all this stuff.
God, my dad's military service,
discharge certificate.
You got mum's
birth certificate.
You got my birth...
Certificate.
Saamiya?
Huh?
Where's my mother now?
In jannah.
She's flying with your father
through the seven skies.
My father.
Woman:
Well, mr. Nasir,
I think we can think
only one thing, really.
You were adopted
at the age of 2 weeks
From the whitechapel branch
of the waifs and strays society.
Waifs and strays?
What was I,
a golden retriever?
It's now simply called
the children's society.
Right.
So, who are
my real parents?
Ah, we don't tend to use
the word "real"
In these cases, mr. Nasir.
Oh, what word
would you use?
Would you use "lazy"
or "irresponsible"
Or "couldn't quite be bothered
to bring me up" parents?
"birth."
we say "the birth parents."
Ah, okay, sorry.
So who are my "birth" parents?
Can you not do that
inverted-commas thing?
Yes, all right.
Yes, yep.
If you wish to trace
your real parentage,
You will have to go
to one of the agencies
That deal with that.
They'll put you in touch
with a counselor...
Just the name.
...After which --
Just the real name,
my birth name. I need to know.
I'm sorry,
but my hands are tied.
Mrs. Keyes, please.
In my culture, a man's name
is really important to him.
I'm afraid not.
Just --
just the first name.
Look, you may have had
no name at all.
Many waifs and strays
do not.
Okay, well,
just check that, please.
I'm -- I'm sorry I'm taking
your time, miss.
No -- uh, you do --
did.
So, there you go.
Um, well, c-can you tell me
what the name was?
I'm sorry.
I said I wouldn't tell you that.
No, no.
No, you didn't.
You said you wouldn't tell me
my whole name.
Look, I can't trace anything
with just nothing!
All right, all right.
Will you go
if I tell you?
Yes, I'll be happy --
really happy -- to go.
[ sighs ]
Well, what is it?
Is it akbar? Omar?
Jamal?
I've always liked "jamal."
Solly.
Solly? Solly?
No, there's got to be
some mistake in the records.
Can I just look at that,
please?
No, you said you'd go.
Come on, please.
That's before I knew my name
was solly.
Now, see here.
Just have a quick look.
Please, please, please.
Mrs. Keyes, please.
Mr. Nasir,
I will call security.
I need to look at it.
I need to look at it.
I need to look at it,
please. Thank you.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Shimshiz--
I think it's pronounced
"shimshileewitz."
Security.
Solly shimshileewitz.
Yes.
No.
But that would mean
I was --
I-I-I was --
Yes, mr. Nasir,
As, indeed, it goes on to
confirm later in the document,
In common with many people
living in this area at the time,
You are, by birth, jewish.
[ laughs ]
no.
No, but I can't be.
I mean, look at me.
I'm so obviously not.
[ scoffs ]
Well, it's not what it says
here, mr. Nasir,
And you are also,
at the present time, leaving.
Thank you.
Oh, what?
Give me a break.
You find out
you're jewish,
And suddenly some bloke in
a uniform is leading you away?
That's ridiculous.
Come on!
the virgin mary
had a baby boy
the virgin mary
had a baby boy
the virgin mary
had a baby boy
and they say
that his name is jesus
he came from the glory
he came
from the glorious kingdom
he came from the glory
he came
from the glorious kingdom
oh, yes, believe us
oh, yes, believe us
he came
from the glorious kingdom
[ folk music plays ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I drank some beer.
I'm sorry I fancied that
pram-faced tart in tesco.
Please just make it
not true -- please.
[ man chanting in ara bic ]
Hello, george.
Daniel, how are you?
Very good. Very good.
You're looking well.
Easy, easy!
Excuse me. Do you mind
just watching where you're...
Man: A fabulous track there
by cat stevens,
Or yusuf islam,
I should say.
Morning, jew.
Morning.
What would you like
for breakfast?
Crunchy bread.
Sorry,
did you just say --
Daddy?
Yes, darling?
Can you do up my jews?
What are you talking about?
Mmm. There's too much jew
in this tea.
Sorry, did I say "tea"?
I meant "jew."
Ah-jew!
Ah-jew!
Well, look,
I've got to go to work.
[ speaking hebrew ]
Yes, good.
I need to study this.
[ bell tolls ]
[ rock music playing,
people cheering ]
[ man singing indistinctly ]
[ snoring ]
[ laughs ]
mahmud.
Mahmud!
[ speaking arabic ]
wake up! Mahmud!
Mahmud, wake up.
[ laughs ]
have you been here all night?
Come, come.
Stand, stand, stand.
Oh, geez.
You've fallen asleep.
It's okay.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I got to go back.
Christ,
my wife will kill me.
[ sighs ]
Imam...
Yes? What?
There's something I'd like
to talk to you about.
Is it about rashid
and uzma?
I mean, I know it's
a little heavy
That al-masri's her stepdad,
a little "wtf?"
No. Well, yeah.
No, no, no.
That's not it, though.
Here's the thing --
I've just found out something
about myself.
Ah, a difficult thing?
[ sighs ]
you're telling me.
Something that deeply challenges
your idea of yourself?
Yes, yes, exactly.
I think I know what it is
you're trying to tell me.
You do?
Yes.
You're not the first.
Really?
No.
I mean, the thing is, the qur'an
is pretty rigid on this.
Yes, of course.
But islam is about mercy
and interpretation,
And my interpretation
is this --
If you're gay,
you're gay.
Oh, for christ's sake,
no --
yeah.
Now, now, I know
al-araf ayah 80 states
That ye who practice their lusts
upon men as opposed to women
Rain down on them
a shower of brimstone.
That's not actually --
it sounds bad, I know.
But I think that brimstone
Is already raining
down on you inside.
Yes, but --
And maybe that's enough
for allah.
No, well --
do I look like --
Now, the punishment for this
is death by stoning,
Some say.
But if you read my book,
"islam: The other voices,"
You'll find a whole host
of evidence that suggests
That when two men...
[ speaking indistinctly ]
Well, have you see those
christian louboutins again?
No.
Well, agyness deyn
has stopped wearing them,
So, of course,
now they're all sold out.
To be honest, they look a bit
orthopedic boot.
It's like having a club foot.
[ laughs ]
Muna, mahmud didn't come home
last night.
[ speaking indistinctly ]
Just afraid to answer
the phone.
The thing is, right,
my mother used to say --
We are all hezbollah now!
Nabi, fish fingers?
Kill the unbelievers!
Nabi!
The thing is,
my mother used to say
That when men's mothers die,
they go a bit...Mental.
They're
midlife-crisis-y.
Hmm. Well, has he
recently got a motorbike?
No.
Tattoo?
No.
Back wax?
I wish.
Well, what
about the other thing
That midlife crisis-y
men do?
No.
Honestly.
I read about it in grazia.
What you have to do is,
when he comes back,
Keep an eye out for anything
which might suggest
He's been near
somebody else's perfume.
You think
he would actually --
[ snickers ]
Of course not!
This is mahmud
we're talking about!
[ door opens, closes ]
Mahmud?
I need to take a shower.
Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew!
Aah!
So, I'm dying to know.
How was the big day?
I don't know.
It was a weird wedding --
Catering by al-qaeda.
Check out
their bridesmaids' quarters.
Oh, jesus.
I'm still hoping for an upgrade
to a room in abu ghraib.
[ lau ghs ]
So, how did it go
with your dad?
Actually not bad,
you know?
He seemed to take it
quite seriously.
And I'm keeping him sweet.
I found this clip of this '80s
pop star he likes, right?
And -- wow!
Dad, you look great.
Doesn't he look great?
[ lau ghs ]
Mr. Nasir,
you look lovely.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Um, can I use my computer,
please?
Yeah.
Bye, darling.
Bye, rashid.
I love you.
And, mr. Nasir,
thank you so much.
Dad, look at this.
It's a "support palestine"
rally
That uzma's stepdad's
gonna be talking at next week.
I thought we should go,
you know, show willing, hmm?
Is the bloke with the hook
gonna be there?
You know I'm fond of him.
Dad, it's a just cause,
one we all believe in.
Oh, of course, yeah.
I'll definitely be there.
Okay. Oh, I forgot to show you
something. Hang on.
[ electronic pop music play s ]
Eh?
I've never seen this.
It's your favorite.
Gary page.
So, what happened
to him, anyway?
Oh, I don't know.
He died or disappeared
or something about 10 years ago.
Stop! Stop!
Stop, you fucking idiots!
You morons!
I always go
to sleep at midnight.
It's when I fucking close
my eyes, isn't it?
Fuck off, you fucking paki!
[ crowd boo ing ]
oh, god.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I hadn't watched it
that far.
[ indistinct shouti ng ]
I always knew
he was a psycho.
Okay, so, um --
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.
Thank you.
Okay.
[ sighs ]
[ scoffs ]
What are you doing?
Nothing.
I just was wondering
if I should, uh,
Order a new suit
for the wedding.
You know,
what should I buy?
Um, I don't know.
Hmm.
Where were you last night?
Last night, I-I stayed
at my mother's house again,
Yeah, just thinking,
praying...
And stuff.
All right.
[ clears throat ]
Wasif: Any driver at all --
cricklewood?
Sharif: Oh, um, I got
some blokes with a van.
You know,
you said sort it,
To move some boxes
from your mum's.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you, sharif.
Thank you. Sorry.
It's all right.
It's okay.
Sharif?
Yeah?
We're all friends,
aren't we?
Yeah.
I mean, we can tell
each other anything.
I hope so.
It's good to know.
[ indistinct conversations ]
That david schwimmer --
He's, uh, jewish, isn't he?
He's got enough money
to be, boss.
[ laughs ]
that's it, wasif.
Yeah, you're right, yeah --
rich, jewish...Wankers.
They're all jews
on american tv.
On tv? The whole country's
run by jews.
It's basically
the United States of israel.
Exactly, yeah.
Yeah, bloody jews.
I don't know
about all that.
They're people of the book,
aren't they?
Yeah, people of the checkbook,
more like.
[ laughter ]
that's funny.
That's a good one --
the people of the checkbook.
[ laughing ]
Oh, that's --
mahmud?
Yeah?
You all right?
Yeah, you know,
it was a good one. Yeah.
Anyway, uh, very good.
Keep up the good work.
Jew scum!
[ man speaking on radio ]
It's here on the left.
I put the cones
to reserve the space.
[ doorbell ringing ]
You got really fucking --
I knew I shouldn't have rubbed
that fucking lamp.
You american?
[ british accent ] nah, I'm a --
I'm a cockney sparrow.
Come on, move your cab.
[ normal voice ]
beg your pardon?
What happened to that
famed islamic politeness?
You saw the space was marked.
Move your fucking cab!
Well, great. I've lived here
for 15 years!
I'll park
wherever I want to park!
Just move it up a bit further
up the road, all right?
I like that space.
I always park there.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I see,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's a bit like the
occupied territories, isn't it?
Oh, here it is!
Here it comes!
The anti-semitic stuff!
You heard it here first!
I'm not being
anti-semitic.
Oh, no?
What else you want
to call me, huh?
Hymie? Kike? Huh?
Bagel breath?
Bollocks.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
I'm not being anti-semitic.
Yeah? Yeah?
I can't be.
Yeah? Why not?
Because I'm a fucking jew!
I'm a jew.
Shit!
Don't you dare tell anyone.
I'm the shoe bomber.
Pleasure to meet you.
No, listen to me. I just found
out I'm adopted by muslims.
My real parents...
Are jews.
[ laughs, snorts ]
Is that funny?
Why should I believe you?
Why the fuck
should I make it up?
Well, that's a point.
Yeah.
No point in asking you to drop
your pants, because --
Because circumcised?
No, we all are.
Are you? We all are.
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
Word association.
Nah, what are you
talking about?
Come on, word association.
What for?
Car.
[ sighs ]
Volvo.
Right on.
Uh, happy.
Ish.
Two out of three.
Crystal.
Nacht.
Wow. Even I would have said,
"palace."
Still,
I don't know why --
yeah, but listen.
Listen, listen,
listen to me.
My real name --
well, my "birth" name...
Please don't do that.
...Is solly shimshileewitz.
Solly shimshileewitz?
Now do you believe me?
Why didn't they just call you
jewy jewjewjewjew
And be done with it?
It was nice talking to you,
all right? Fine.
That's almost as jewy a name
as izzy shimshileewitz.
What did you say?
Izzy shimshileewitz -- used
to live around here years ago.
There's an izzy shimshileewitz?
Well, where is he?
Is he still alive?
Where is he?
Fuck knows.
Where are you going?
To move my cab.
What, 'cause you
just find out --
Yeah, welcome
to the worldwide conspiracy.
Would you like a chip?
Got one.
[ booing ]
[ doorbell ringing ]
Yes?
I called earlier
about izzy shimshileewitz.
You the guy that phoned five
of the jewish old-age homes?
Uh, yeah.
How did you know?
'cause we jewish old-age homes
Share info
for security purposes.
We're very tight
on that stuff,
Us jewish old-age homes --
Very tight.
Dad?
No!
I don't think so.
Firstly,
you appear to be...Muslim.
Yeah, all right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
A-a-a-and secondly,
I'm perhaps five years younger
than you.
Yes, you're right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yes.
Is izzy shimshileewitz
in there?
Yes.
Can I go in, please?
Yeah, I-I-I'm afraid not.
No, you don't understand.
I'm his son...I think.
Do you have some sort
of syndrome?
No, no, no, no.
My real parents are jews.
I was adopted.
I've just found out my birth
name is shimshileewitz.
Really?
What, and you're definitely
isaac's son, are you?
Yes, yes.
Well, I mean, I must be.
Look, I'm sorry,
But as mr. Shimshileewitz's
rabbi,
I have to think
of his welfare first.
He's a really sick man now.
Well, then, you have
to let me in.
Look at you.
A muslim son?
He's an observant jew.
It would kill him
stone dead.
[ sighs ]
what do I do?
What do you know
about jews?
They've got big noses.
They like money.
Oh, they do.
Okay, so,
the answer is "nothing."
Look, what you need to do,
and quickly,
Is think about what it means
to be a jew.
And then...We'll think
about letting you in.
By the way,
when you thought I was your dad,
Like a shriveled old man,
Was it because of
the hairless thing,
Because that is genetic,
okay?
Right.
[ monitor beeping ]
[ door opens ]
Dodi, you've come back
from the dead.
Can I come in, please?
[ tea kettle whistling ]
[ whistling stops ]
[ "la bamba" plays ]
[ music stops ]
[ music resumes ]
[ music stops ]
Two sugars.
Thank you.
[ clears throat ]
Look...
I don't know your name.
Leonard --
leonard goldberg.
"lenny" to my very few friends.
Chaser?
No, I don't drink.
Right. Of course.
Me, I've recently developed
a taste for it.
Mm. So, uh...Jews.
Yeah?
Tell me about them.
[ laughs ]
okay.
Uh, well, let's see.
Where shall we start?
I know.
Let's start with me,
the archetype, the american jew,
As american as knish
and "seinfeld"
And slavish support
for israel.
You know,
like my fellow countrymen,
I didn't think
there were any other jews
In the whole fucking world,
especially not britain --
Britain,
land of hope and pork.
A jew in britain --
I mean, that's just weird.
That's like an american driving
a hackney carriage,
[ british accent ] or a yank
with the knowledge.
What's the bloody world
coming to?
[ normal voice ]
but no.
In london alone, you've got
Your hampstead
liberal intellectual jew.
You've got your peter
secular accountant jew.
You've got your hendon
orthodox lawyer jew,
And scum of kosher scum,
your essex jews,
Of which heritage
my recently ex-wife,
Who, by the way, in case you
were wondering, is the reason
Why I came to this fucking
country in the first place
And why I know so much
about its...Jews.
Knish?
A doughy, kosher,
deep-fried dumpling.
And then you've got
your israeli jews --
You know, jews without angst,
without guilt,
Who really are not jews
at all,
[ laughing ] and then, of
course, your jews for jesus.
What in the fuck
is that all about?
[ telephone rings ]
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, adam.
No, no, no, I'm gonna --
I'm gonna -- I'm gonna pick --
Wh-wh-what? Why?
Oh, christ, why?
Adam, you -- you --
you know what?
Fuck off,
you little shit.
Right. Well, I-I guess
I've got to get --
That was my --
my useless, flaky son.
Supposed to go to a bar mitzvah
with him on Saturday.
Now -- now I got
nobody to go with.
It's just I hate going
to those things alone, you know,
All those jews jewing it up
in public, you know?
[ clears throat ]
What, you? You?
Mm-hmm.
[ laughs ] go --
go to a bar mitzvah with you,
Osama bin liner,
ali bongo, captain muslim?
No, no, no. Come on.
I can -- I can blend in.
You know?
You call that a shrug?
It's a shrug.
That's not a shrug.
That's blending in.
Look,
you want to be a jew?
Palms up, shoulders,
then the sad doggy eyes.
[ moaning ]
[ folk music plays ]
hey
hey
hey
Oy.
Oy.
Hmm?
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
Oy.
[ classical music pl ays ]
Doesn't it just make you
want to put
All your possessions
in a wooden cart
And pull them
sadly and slowly away
From your burning village?
[ folk music plays ]
hey
Oy!
Oy.
That's it.
Yes!
Fucking get in there!
Come on!
Great.
Now let's move on to "vey."
Saamiya: Mahmud?
[ door opens ]
I need to call rashid.
He's --
Hey, how you doing?
Ah, you look smart.
Thanks.
I'm going out later.
Okay.
Yeah, it's a work to-do.
It's, uh, sharif's 60th.
Nice.
Hey, you look --
What?
Fatter? Bigger?
More rounded? Fat? Fat?
No, you look great.
I was gonna say you look great.
[ laughs ]
Anyway, I came to tell you that
rashid's going on this rally
That al-masri's
speaking at.
Oh, shit.
I promised him I'd go.
I've got to --
Mahmud, we haven't
even talked about how this --
This...Terrifying shithead
Is gonna become
part of our family.
Ah.
[ scoffs ]
Saamiya, look --
he comes around, okay?
We meet him,
he gives his blessing,
And just we sort it out
for rashid and uzma.
That's it.
And besides,
this arshad guy -- come on.
How meshugga can he be?
Sorry?
How many, you know,
Sugars short of a very sweet cup
of tea...Can he be?
You know, mahmud,
I never thought I would end up
with a guy
Who thinks he looks good
In a tottenham hotspur shirt
and a pair of chadees,
Who teaches our 4-year-old
daughter extremist language,
And rather than get up
from the tv, urinates in a cup.
That only happened
the once.
Mm --
my "world's best mum" cup
That rashid gave me
when he was 10.
I forgot to clean it.
But none of that matters,
Because the only thing
that matters
Between a husband and a wife
is honesty.
And you've always promised
to be honest to me.
And I've always believed
that promise.
Should I?
Of course.
Of course.
[ electronic pop music plays ]
I saw you walking
with your new love
your mind as black
as a loaded gun
so was it the truth when
you said it was true love?
I thought
that I was the chosen one
[ singing indistinctly ]
Hey.
Dad, you made it.
Yeah,
I wouldn't miss this.
What time
is al-masri on?
Well, there's a rumor
going around
That he's been banned by the
organizers at the last minute,
Which some people
aren't too happy about.
[ scoffs ]
well, I can see that.
It's hot, though,
isn't it?
Yeah.
Whew.
Dad, what is that
on your head?
I've brought this
for one reason
And one reason alone!
[ crowd chanting
"burn it" ]
[ shouting indistinctly ]
Ow! Ow!
Lenny: Okay, last run-through
of things not to mention --
Hitler, "protocols
of the elders of zion,"
Hitler, the fact that you're
actually a muslim.
Oh, well, hey, well,
what about prayers?
There may be one or two,
but when in doubt, just do this.
[ mumbling ]
That's it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Have you memorized
some yiddish?
Yeah, but just a few.
Just sprinkle in a few words
during the conversation --
You know, "schlep,"
"kvetch," "traipse."
"traipse"? That's an english
word, isn't it?
It is?
It sounds yiddish.
Ah, hello!
It's so nice to meet you.
How are you?
Monty.
Monty, how are you?
Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the lister boys,
Sammy and louie.
[ cheers and applause ]
Mazel tov!
[ applause ]
Okay, what kind of jew
is that?
A smelly one?
Hippy jew.
Bohemian parents.
Now a buddhist.
A buddhist jew?
How does that work?
Believes you should renounce
all material possessions
But still keep
the receipts.
Oof!
Look at that.
I'd like to offer her
some serious kosher sausage.
What kind of jew is that?
That is my ex-wife.
I'm sorry.
With her wanking boyfriend,
maurice gross.
Maurice gross?
Psychic investigator
from high barnet.
Julie.
Oh.
Denise.
Oh, lenny.
I'm so sorry to hear
about you and diane.
Yeah.
And now she's
with maurice gross.
[ laughs ]
who'd have guessed?
I suppose
he would.
Well, being
a psychic investigator.
It's a wisecrack.
Oh.
I thought you people --
we're well known
For wisecracking,
us people.
Ladies, this is
my cousin solomon --
Solomon shimshileewitz.
Please, just call me "solly."
How do you do?
How do you do?
Hello.
Lovely event,
don't you think, solly?
Yes, it's very,
uh...Very geschmack.
I-I-it, uh -- actually,
it's very traipse, I'd say.
It's very jewish.
Mm, you're right.
It is very jewish.
Oh, now, solly, I'm sure
that lenny must have told you
That denise and I
are now co-chair...
Co-chair.
...Of the north london ladies
eretz yisrael guild.
Eretz?
Yisrael.
I know it.
So, we were wondering --
So, we wondered if you might
sign our latest petition.
I'd be delighted.
"we, the undersigned,
Believe that the state
of israel --"
"israel is unfairly demonized
by bbc, itv, channel 4,
And all other forms
of the u.K. News media --"
"despite being
a shining --"
"a shining example
of democracy and fairness,
Which simply wants
to live in --"
"in peace."
"in peace
with its neighbors."
Oh, thanks,
lenny.
If you wouldn't mind.
[ laughs ]
J-j-just here, is it?
Just there, please.
Thank you.
I have a twitch!
Aah!
Ow, ow! That --
That really hurt!
Are you all right?
Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
before we eat,
Rabbi finestein
will say grace.
[ singing in hebrew ]
[ mumbling ]
[ clears throat ]
[ rapping in hebrew ]
[ indistinct conversation ]
Be happy to do it.
Sorry to interrupt.
Yeah.
I think we should go.
This is just too jewish for me.
Ladies and gentlemen --
[ chuckles ]
that's nice.
Today our blessed
bar mitzvah twins,
Sammy and louie,
become men.
[ applause ]
Yeah, yeah, it's -- it's good
to be a jewish man now.
Please don't come crying to me
in 30 years' time
When your prostate blows up
like an air bag
And your wife runs off
With a psychic investigator
from high barnet.
[ audience murmurs ]
What?
Speech.
Sorry, monty.
Anyway, boys,
seeing as your father here
Is to public speaking as...
Stephen hawking is
to windsurfing,
He has asked schmuggins here
to take on the bar mitzvah task
Of telling a classic
jewish funny story.
Sadly, though, I've become
A bit tired and emotional
this evening.
So, I --
and also very drunk.
So I've decided
to pass the baton,
To -- to -- to give the task
to my good friend
And classic
jewish storyteller.
Ladies and gentlemen,
solly shimshileewitz.
[ applause ]
Uh...Hello.
Dear lord.
How about the story
about rabbi akiba
And fischel, the --
the village idiot?
Yeah. How about that?
That's a good idea.
That's, uh...
So...
[ clears throat ]
...There was a tale of,
uh, rabbi...
Akiba.
...Akiba,
who lived in...Hotep.
And he always observed
his fedeyezyez flahot.
Uh...
Then, in the syn--
no, no, I know this one.
The -- the --
the shul.
Shul.
That's it, the shul.
Shul.
The shul.
In the shul came fischel,
the village idiot.
Well, what an idiot he was.
And he went up to the rabbi,
and he said,
"rabbi, rabbi!
My foreskin
has grown back."
Um, he did.
He said that.
No, he didn't.
He did, and the rabbi looked
at him and said, "you what?"
And fischel said,
"it's true.
What do I do?"
about his foreskin.
And...
It was that point --
Can you help me
with this one, please?
Yes, yes.
Finish it off.
Rabbi akiba says,
"moses said that when --
when --
"when the light
of the world is shining,
We must turn our faces
to the sky."
That's it, yeah.
"and as joshua said when
the light of the world is dim,
We must turn our faces
to the ground."
To the ground.
"but I say --"
rabbi akiba says...
Yeah, what did he say?
Well, rabbi akiba says...
Uh, rabbi akiba
looked at fischel.
And he says...
[ speaking yiddish ]
[ laughing ]
[ laughter ]
What was that?
Don't ask me.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
[ man singing in hebrew ]
[ brakes squeal ]
Jesus.
See?
Soon as I'm in a cab...
Sober as a church.
That was good tonight.
Didn't expect it.
Thanks, lenny.
Hey, mahmud.
This jew thing -- what --
what's so important?
Izzy shimshileewitz.
What, he's still alive?
Yeah, well, I think so.
I don't know.
I-I can't be sure.
They won't let me see him.
What do you mean?
Who? They who?
The rabbi.
The rabbi at the care home.
He said I've got to get
a bit more jewy.
Did he?
Yeah.
When are you
gonna see him next?
Soon as possible.
Tomorrow.
You know what? I'm gonna take
you. I'm gonna go with you.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm not gonna let
your big family emotional moment
Get held back
by some asshole fruma.
I think --
you know, that's good.
That's really good
if you come.
I'm gonna go.
But you will be tactful,
though, will you?
Yeah.
Because, you know,
this is a big thing for me.
My dad -- you know,
my adopted one --
When he died...
It really cut me up.
You know, and now I've got
this other dad here,
And it's just too much.
Look, finding out you're jewish
doesn't mean
That suddenly every moment's
a therapeutic opportunity.
Salaam alaykum, mahmud.
Alaykum a salaam,
lenny.
Hey.
Hey.
Good night, rash.
Good night.
Uh, dad...
That was a bit weird today,
Wasn't it,
with the rally?
Weird, yeah.
Yeah, it was.
I was just --
I was just trying, you know,
To show support for them,
the big stepfather guy.
Yeah, but I think,
when he comes to see us,
You could, uh...
Turn it down a touch, maybe.
Just a touch.
[ laughter ]
Okay. All right.
Relax.
Good night.
Good night.
Saamiya:
I spoke to sharif tonight.
He isn't 60 until June.
Saamiya.
Do you remember
when we got married?
And you promised to love me
and honor me
With faith and obedience
and gentleness?
Yes, of course.
Who is it?! Huh?!
Ow!
That hurts!
Is it someone from work?!
Work? What are you
talking about? They're all men.
That pram-faced tart
from tesco's.
Blimey,
you noticed that?
But I-I was
just looking.
Hmm.
Anyway, you know,
By the qur'an, I could have
four wives anyway.
Oh, that's why you've been
running to the mosque
All of this time,
is it, huh?!
Ow! Stop it!
You know, I knew I should have
never married a shia.
That hurts. Stop.
Will you stop?
Will you calm down?
Calm down?
I want to tell you
something.
Oh. No, it's not --
What?
You're not --
Mahmud, I spoke to the imam
because I was worried about you,
And he told me that you told him
this thing about yourself,
And I just laughed
because you can't be, can you?
Hey.
Oh, no.
I've seen this
on the internet -- men like you.
They're called bears --
big, fat, hairy men.
No, no, no,
I'm not gay, all right?
I'm not gay.
I've got the wrong end
of the stick.
Listen to me.
The truth is...
The truth is...
Mm?
...I'm...
Frightened...
Frightened?
...Of meeting
arshad al-masri.
At least,
I was frightened...
Till I started going to these
religious education classes.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, night classes
at the, uh, mosque.
Yeah.
[ chuckles ]
[ mumbling ]
Mahmud,
that's so sweet!
You're not ashamed
of me, then?
Ashamed?
I'm proud of you.
Wow.
Hey.
Come here...And show me
how ungay you really are,
You big,
heterosexual bear!
[ sighs ]
[ door opens ]
Ah. Hello.
How is he?
Stable, but no better.
That's why I'm here 24/7
at the moment.
[ scoffs ]
Sorry.
Just thought you said 24/7.
That's kind of weird
for a rabbi to say.
Rabbi, so, this is my friend
leonard goldberg.
He's been helping,
so, yeah.
I seem to remember us
setting a little test.
Yeah, he did. Lenny's been
helping me out with it.
Has he?
Yeah.
Been doing my teacher thing,
you know,
For my yid-muslo, uh,
homey.
Say your shema.
I'm sorry.
Beg your pardon?
The shema --
the lord's prayer.
Oh, don't tell me
he hasn't taught --
Uh, well,
name the five books of moses.
Yeah, I can do this.
[ clears throat ]
Genesis --
Uh, in hebrew.
In hebrew?
Gen-hesis.
What's hebrew
for "phil collins"?
Ex-hodus.
Okay.
I've had
quite enough.
No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
No, listen, listen, rabbi.
My friend has drunk
my chicken soup.
He's danced like a cossack
in my living room.
He told a funny story
at a bar mitzvah.
And by the way,
he got a big laugh.
I'm a jew, and my friend here
is jewish enough for me.
Come back when you've found
a better teacher.
Where am I gonna find
one of those, huh -- craigslist?
Look, rabbi, I haven't even told
my wife and family about this.
Well, perhaps that's
where you should start.
Now, if you don't mind,
I've got a dying man's soul
to care for.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen, you sanctimonious
rabbinical cue ball.
[ indistinct shouting ]
Stop it!
You're disturbing the residents.
You're frightening them.
Hi.
"hi"?
Sorry.
I'm a bow-legged chicken,
I'm a knock-kneed hen
never been so happy
since I don't know when
You don't want to listen
To what that oversized toddler
punk rabbi says.
I mean, I'm a little bit racist
towards muslims,
But this asshole?
If you have just an ounce
of allah left inside you,
He will never let you
anywhere near your dad.
I -- I should --
I should tell people.
I -- I should tell everyone
I was born a jew.
That would be a very unjewish
thing to do.
You know, we don't like to call
attention to ourselves.
We're proud,
but we're proud quietly.
And --
and what about israelis?
No, no, I told you --
they're not really jews.
Yeah, yeah,
they're not exactly quiet
About themselves,
are they, what,
With all the warmongering and
the colonial rampaging and --
Oh, oh -- "if you --
if you throw a pebble at us,
We'll raze your hospitals
to the ground" foreign policy.
Unlike the very quiet way in
which your palestinian cousins
Strap bombs to themselves
and blow up school buses?
Yeah, yeah, you know --
you know full well
That there are
loads more palestinians
Killed by the israeli army
than the other way around.
[ brakes squealing ]
What exactly is your problem,
fat boy?
Who are you to tell me
about jews?
No, don't look --
if you'd been a better teacher,
I would have been at my father's
deathbed right now!
What exactly
are you saying then, huh?
That it's my fault?
Yes!
Ah!
You self-hating mentalist!
Get out of my cab.
You what?
You heard me!
Get out of my cab!
Americans
shouldn't bloody
Be driving a black cab,
anyway!
Asshole.
I'm gonna tell my family.
I am.
You know what?
I don't give a fuck what you do.
[ scoffs ]
anti-semite.
Islamophobe.
Suck my fat one!
get ready to start
flap your elbows
just for luck
then you wiggle and you waddle
like a baby duck
come and dance with me,
honey
tap your toes and glide
and we'll always be together
side by side
we'll walk with a wiggle
and a giggle and a squawk
doing the tennessee wig walk
Rashid, saamiya,
could you come down, please?
There's something
I've got to tell you.
Daddy, the funny men have come
to see if we're muslim enough.
Mahmud. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Come and meet our guests.
This is mr. Al-masri.
Please call me arshad.
Yes, yes, yes, uh...
Salaam alaykum, arshad.
Mahmud.
Alaykum a salaam.
Please, my friends.
Hey.
This is tariq.
Hey.
And this is hazeem.
Hey, hey.
It's very, uh --
Whoa.
Um, welcome.
Welcome, everyone.
You are very welcome.
You are very welcome to my home.
So, uh...What did you
have to tell us, mahmud?
What?
You came in saying that you have
something to tell us.
Yeah, I -- I was just gonna
tell everyone that I'm, uh --
I'm, uh...
bow-legged chicken,
I'm a knock-kneed hen
never been so happy
since I don't know when
walk with a wiggle
and a squiggle and a squawk
ba-gawk
doing the tennessee wig walk
It was just something in my head
on my way here,
And I thought nabi
would like it.
I do!
Is it the theme song of the
worldwide islamic caliphate?
Very good.
[ chuckles ]
So, let us sit.
Friends and family need
not stand on ceremony.
[ clears throat ]
[ clears throat ]
Uzma, where's your mum?
Oh, she's just in the...
Salaam alaykum, kashmina.
Mahmud.
So, let us talk
about rashid.
Yes. He's, uh...
He's a good boy, I think.
Though, um...
[ clears throat ]
As the holy qur'an says...
Says...
Children are
our only trial.
Not quite.
Your wealth and your children
are only a trial.
With allah --
with him is a great reward.
At-taghabun ayah 15.
Of course, right?
Yeah.
Come, now.
I do not expect everyone to know
every hadith by heart.
No. I don't even know
"humpty dumpty" by heart.
All I need to be
happy and content
Is to know
that I'm among muslims.
Oh. Of course.
Of course.
And on that note,
because, of course, we are here
In the hope of sealing
a happy event
Which may join
our two families forever,
You will forgive me the need
of some inquiry.
Brother arshad
can trace his lineage
Back to ibrahim ibn walid
ibn abdallah,
Imam of medina
of the 8th century.
I have to be careful
in my position.
You will have seen
the television cameras outside.
They have been chasing me
since my arrival
Here in brighton.
I must be on guard to preserve
The dignity
of the al-masri name.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yes. Yes.
For example,
a small internet search reveals
That you once wrote a letter
to the local paper
Calling on muslims
to be more "moderate."
Yeah, listen, that whole shia
"shite" thing -- misprint.
You know, I got really upset
about that.
Moderation is, of course,
a good thing...
In moderation.
[ chuckles ]
[ laughter ]
But...This western idea
Of the "moderate muslim" --
That idea
I completely reject!
But then,
I saw how you had changed.
How do you mean?
Tariq.
[ crowd chanting "burn it" ]
What are you doing
there, daddy?
Yes, nabi,
good question.
Yes.
Tariq: We've put the film
on our website.
You have?
and counting.
Insha'allah.
Arshad: Insha'allah.
What mahmud is doing, nabi,
is demonstrating
That even a liberal,
moderate muslim
Can only be stretched
so far.
Am I right, mahmud?
Absolutely.
So, uzma and rashid,
I give their marriage
my blessing.
Let us celebrate.
Please, sing for us,
brother arshad.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Brother arshad has
a beautiful singing voice.
Ah.
Not really.
Please, arshad sahib, we would
all love to hear you sing.
Well, well, well,
just a little nasheed
That my mother taught me.
[ clearing throat ]
[ singing in arabic ]
[ doorbell ringing ]
Uh, I-I'll go and get that.
I'm sorry.
That was very nice.
I was really enjoying that.
[ indistinct shouting ]
Mr. Nasir?
You are under arrest
on suspicion
Of having performed actions
in contravention
To the racial and religious
hatred act of 2006.
Yeah.
How dare you gatecrash
my twins' big day, huh?!
What were you
planning to do,
Put anthrax
in the smoked salmon sushi?!
Come on, now,
mr. Nasir.
Yes, yes. Sorry.
What is this man guilty of,
exactly...
[ indistinct shouting ]
...When the jewish-controlled
western media
Produces offensive
islamophobic blasphemies?!
[ crowd boos ]
Shouldn't a muslim speak out
about the treatment
Of his brothers
by the zionist oppressors?!
He wasn't speaking out!
What happened to your precious
freedom of expression,
You hypocrites?!
Whatever.
Burning a jew's hat,
I'm afraid,
Constitutes
religious hatred.
I must warn you, sir,
anything you say
Will be taken down and used
as evidence against you.
Anything?
Yes, sir. Everything.
[ crowd chanting "mahmud" ]
[ indistinct shouting ]
[ wind howling ]
I'm jewish!
Monty: What?
What?
What?
I'm sorry.
What's that, sir?
I'm jewish.
I was born a jew.
I just found out.
I was adopted...
By muslims.
Uzma!
Well, I suppose that's
all right, then, sir.
Well, is it?
Well, yeah.
I mean, it's like
that jackie mason fella.
He can take the piss out of jews
'cause he's a jew.
Wouldn't arrest him for it,
would we?
This is clearly nonsense,
officer.
He doesn't
even look jewish.
Yes, he does.
What are you talking about?
He's basically a schvartse.
Rashid: Dad.
It's true. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, please.
Come on.
[ indistinct shouting ]
Uzma!
Uzma!
Get inside, get inside.
All right,
the rest of you,
Could you all kindly fuck off
my premises!
He's a live one,
isn't he?
[ engine turns over ]
what do you mean?
How was I inciting
racial hatred?
Schvartse, sir.
I heard you say it.
How do you even know
what it means?!
Rash --
No.
Rashid!
At least
I'm not a shia.
[ blues harmonica plays ]
whoo
Nabi.
Something at school today?
Infidel.
For crying out loud.
[ television turns on ]
I'm jewish!
I was born a jew.
Jesus, moses, and allah.
I just found out.
I was adopted.
[ indistinct shouti ng ]
Matthew: There were
some astonishing scenes there.
Well,
what do we make of them?
Matthew,
I think that this guy
Is multiculturalism
made flesh.
He's a hero for our times,
Somebody that we have to
use as a way --
This is the way
we need to go forward.
We need to look at people
like this and say,
"yes, you're proud
and I'm proud of what you are.
You might look
a certain way --"
Not what I would say,
If you were in his shoes,
the poor guy.
Man: It's not something
that looked to me like...
Hey, guys.
Hey, mahmud.
I think this is where
we're being very naive.
[ television turns off ]
How's it going?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
good.
Yeah, yeah,
right, yeah?
Doing lovely, sir,
good.
You all right?
Where's wasif?
Um...
Handed in his notice.
Is there anyone else
who can do his job?
You need someone
who really knows the roads.
All right, well, I...
I might just...Work from home
today, then, shall I?
Yeah. G-good idea.
I'll go --
I'll go make some calls.
Some...
This.
Mahmud.
Things will work out.
Insha'allah.
What are you doing?
I'm going to stay
with my mum.
No, no. Just put it away.
Just stay.
Let -- let go.
How long
are you staying?
I don't know.
Because I'm a jew?
No, mahmud,
because you lied to me --
Something you promised
you would never do.
[ car door opens ]
Nabi: Daddy!
Hey, my baby girl.
Hey.
Daddy?
Yes?
What is a jew?
Well,
you know that nasty man
On "the apprentice"
with the beard?
[ horn honking ]
get in the car.
And why did some naughty man
put dog poo through our door
Because you are one?
Hurry up!
Who did that?
I'll kill him.
Fucking kill him.
Rashid:
Excuse me, dad.
Yeah, but that's --
It doesn't matter
what those morons think.
[ horn honking ]
rashid, hurry up!
I loved her, dad.
I love her.
Rashid!
I know. I know, son.
And I can explain.
You don't understand.
My dad, my real dad --
to get to him,
I've got to try and prove
that I'm some kind of --
Where's my dad?
Where's my real dad?
[ car door closes,
engine revs ]
[ camera shutter clicking ]
Enough already!
[ indistinct conversation ]
Get away, man.
[ sniffling ]
[ vehicle passing,
horn blaring ]
Fuck off!
Come on, my friend.
Here we go.
Up. There.
We got you.
Leytonstone, huh?
Golders green.
Golders green?
Yeah.
All right.
I want to see
izzy shimshileewitz.
You can't.
Why not?
Well, for one thing,
it's not visiting hours.
And for another...
I've done it, okay?
I've told the world.
Whoo-hoo.
I'm a fat old jew.
Have you had
your pound of flesh?
Huh? Have I jumped
through enough jew hoops?
Have I ruined my muslim life
enough for you?!
He can't stop --
not this prayer.
He's not allowed to.
It's jewish law.
Oh, really?
Oh, well, then I can go in here
whenever I fucking like, eh?
Eh? Whoo-hoo.
Look, I'm in. I'm out.
I'm in. I'm out.
Mahmud.
I'm really sorry.
But it's a prayer
for the dead.
I'm so sorry.
Died a couple of hours ago.
He got your letter, though,
your package.
I didn't send anything.
Perhaps you'd like to go in,
sit in his room for a bit.
I know some of our recently
bereaved relatives
That can help
a little.
Thank you.
Fuck!
[ clattering ]
[ music box chiming ]
[ sighs ]
[ television turns on ]
Mahmud: I'm jewish!
I was born a jew.
I was adopted...
By muslims.
[ bird chirping ]
Mahmud, I-I'm --
I'm -- I'm sorry, man.
If I wasn't such a schmuck
to that rabbi, if I had --
Forget it.
Besides...
This gives you
a big license to schmuck.
You could have used
a different tape.
I wanted him to get it
into the vcr right away.
Did you wipe
the porn off?
Fuck no.
I wanted him to die happy.
Look what he wrote on it.
He remembered it, then --
your name.
Well, that's --
that's something.
[ sighs ]
My life's still shot,
though, isn't it?
My family's left me.
My workmates hate me.
My son loves this girl
that he can't marry
'cause I'm
a big jewish twat.
Why can't they
just get married anyway?
I mean, who cares
what this taliban moron says?
Now, look,
'cause however modern uzma is,
However many
facebook friends she gets,
However many brazilians she,
you know...
...She just would never,
ever shame her family.
That's what it's like
being a fucking paki.
A minute ago,
you were a big jewish twat.
I know, I know.
[ women chanting ]
Reporter: Tonight,
on a channel 100 special,
We ask the question,
Islamic clerics,
such as arshad al-masri --
Are they working for the good
of their country,
Or are they dangerous fanatics
Driven by a desire to destroy
our way of life?
Hey.
So, uh...
What are you doing?
Running.
Are you, uh...
Are you going
to al-masri's lecture?
Well,
isn't uzma gonna be there?
Do you know
how she's doing?
Well, she's obviously
really happy
That because her mum
is now too frightened
To leave muhammad
al-fucking-stalin,
She will have to go
with them to waziristan,
Where the women of her age
legally have to wear a muzzle
If they've still got
a clitoris.
Okay, listen.
I'm going to this event,
okay?
I'm gonna stand up,
and I'm gonna take arshad on.
What?
Yeah.
I've done some reading.
I've read the qur'an.
I've read the old testament.
I think --
are you mental?
He knows
this stuff backwards.
Do you really want to make
a complete twat of yourself
In front
of the whole community again?
Yeah, but, son,
It's -- it's not exactly
the whole community, is it?
Oh, oh, it is.
Since your little moment
on tv,
It's not just
the wahhabi nutters
Who want to see arshad.
No, no, no!
Everyone's interested!
Oh.
Dad, please.
Open your eyes.
Son, son.
[ sighs ]
My eyes.
They're starting about now --
the lecture.
Mum, forget it.
You know, muna's gone.
Well, that's --
that's up to her.
But, rashid --
mum, we're not going.
Remember what he's done.
Look not at what a man has done,
but what he hopes to do.
Who taught you that,
nabi?
Daddy.
Arshad: If that means
refusing, speaking out against,
Even tearing down
those aspects of western culture
Which disgust and dismay
the true believer,
So be it.
[ applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you very much, my brothers
and sisters, of course.
Now, any questions?
Yes?
Brother arshad,
How can we support
your cause?
Well, by listening and acting
on my words.
But also, if you wish, there are
donations that can be made.
Details are available
at the door.
Yes, brother?
Tell us also, brother,
How come you are
so remarkably good...
Mum, I'm gonna go and --
wait, wait.
Have you seen uzma?
Rashid,
look over there.
Where?
That is very kind of you
to say, brother.
Well, I have the advantage,
of course, of coming
From a long and eminent line
of great islamic preachers.
But who knows
if I do them justice?
[ applause ]
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
So, if there are
no further questions...
Yes, holy sister?
[ high-pitched voice ]
question for brother arshad.
Is it possible that you,
being such a fantastic speaker,
There's something
you've forgotten...
Which is...
[ crowd murmuring ]
You're stretched it really badly
now, you big knobhead.
[ normal voice ]
let me ask you this.
Why won't you let my son
marry your stepdaughter?
Well, well,
if it isn't "mahmud nasir."
[ laughter ]
Answer the question.
Mum, what is he doing?
The holy qur'an
al-baqarah ayah 221 --
Do not marry your girls
to unbelievers.
[ applause ]
Until they believe.
I beg your pardon?
Well, that's how
the ayah continues.
An islamic woman can marry
any man who believes in allah.
And my son
believes in allah.
And how can I
believe in the son
When I cannot believe
in the father, hmm?
Oh. Welcome.
No, no, no, no. Don't --
don't get up on the stage.
[ laughter ]
A bit harder.
[ laughs ]
And what are you today,
brother?
What is the...
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ laughter ]
I am a muslim.
[ speaking arabic ]
Well, well, well, well.
Saying our holy words.
At-taghabun ayah 73 --
Strive hard
against the unbeliever.
I believe my shahada,
Because it's
my lord's prayer.
And you know what else
I learned recently?
The jews have
their own lord's prayer.
You know what it's called?
The shema.
What is he talking about?
Do you know what moses called
god in the original hebrew?
Elah --
allah, elah --
Because it's the same god.
Very, very good,
mahmud.
You've learned some
of the qur'an by heart.
[ chuckles ]
mazel tov.
So, maybe you tell us,
mahmud,
Before all this
delicate business
About your parentage
happened,
How often did you go
to the mosque?
Five times a day
I'll assume, surely.
Well...
No?
[ laughter ]
Oh, dear.
Devotion at home, then?
I'll bet if you got
your prayer mat out now,
It would have two big holes
in it from so much kneeling.
Yeah.
[ laughter ]
Not that, either?
Tsk, tsk.
At least, I assume
You kept yourself free
of all pollution.
You're able to admit,
aren't you,
With your hand
on the holy qur'an,
That alcohol
has never passed your lips.
Hmm.
Okay, okay, my son.
I think you
better step down now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can also add
to that list.
I've lied...
To the people
I love the most.
I've been a poor father.
Been trying so hard to find
myself that I forgot myself.
I forgot who I am,
Which is
a husband and a father.
And, yes, I have not been
the muslim I should have been.
But who here has?
Who here has,
except for arshad al-masri?
And what is your name,
solly?
My name is mahmud nasir.
And for once, yes,
for a very short period,
It was
solly shimshileewitz.
And of that,
I am no longer ashamed.
[ crowd murmuring ]
A good man,
a good muslim,
Should not just never lie
about who he is,
He should also
never lie about who he was.
Oh, and,
by the way, arshad,
"strive hard
against the unbelievers" --
It's al-tawbah ayah 73.
Here's the thing
about our clerics.
Some of them really do teach us
about the holy qur'an.
And that's fantastic.
Some of them are out there,
Protecting our oppressed
brothers and sisters.
And some of them...
[ scoffs ]
...Are beardy, weirdy fuckers
who make shit up!
[ cheers and applause ]
Now, listen, you.
I don't care about all
your stupid arguments.
Get off of my stage!
Your son will never marry
my stepdaughter!
Oh, what's that?
What?
What's that in your eye,
that little spasm there?
It's -- it's brought on
by anger, isn't it?
It's called a blepharospasm --
very rare. Yeah.
Tell you what,
why don't you just...
Close your eyes?
[ snaps fingers ]
[ rock music plays ]
In 1962 in manchester,
a baby boy was born.
His name
was jimmy monassa,
Later to be known
as gary page --
My favorite pop star.
Yeah.
Gary made one good album
and a lot of shit ones.
This one in particular --
really shit.
Gary -- oh, fuck it.
Gary "died"
about 10 years ago.
Yeah, at that time he was
trying to avoid a few tax issues
And nonpayment of child support
To five kids
from five different women.
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Stop, you fucking idiots!
Fuck off, you fucking paki!
[ crowd murmuring ]
Now, his left eye,
the blepharospasm.
Well done.
Oh, and by the way --
not that it matters --
Just so you know,
mr. And mrs. Monassa --
Scientologists.
[ laughter ]
[ rock music plays ]
Come here,
you crazy, crazy man.
That's my dad.
Yep. That's my dad.
Dad, that was class.
How did you know?
I know. It's when he came out
and sang that song.
I'd -- I'd know that tone
anywhere.
But it wasn't until you told me
to open my eyes, son.
Thanks, my son.
Hey.
Hey!
Lenny:
Liverpool street.
Liverpool street.
Anyone?
Liverpool street.
Liverpool fucking motherfucking
street station!
Anyone! For fuck's sake!
Man: I can't hear you.
I'm pinned up in here.
Woman: I'm never using
this company again.
Right, sorry.
[ telephone rings ]
Yeah.
Mahmud: Yeah, I'd like a car
to lancaster, please.
Mahmud, where are you?
You --
you give me this job
And then you don't show up
yourself, you schmuck.
In fact,
I'd like three cars,
Like you're
supposed to have sorted?
It's today, lenny!
Today!
You schmucking twat.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
[ camera shutter clicks ]
Mmm!
[ man rapping in arabic ]
[ cheering ]
Are you all right?
Oh, mahmud, mahmud.
Saamiya: Oh, my god, mahmud,
are you okay?
Somebody come and help.
Come and help.
[ indistinct conversations ]
Hey.
[ clears throat ]
Muslim enough for you?
Actually wasn't that bad,
you know?
Hmm.
I quite enjoyed it,
being a jew.
What was that?
What was what?
What was that?
What?
What? That you did --
you did --
You did a big...Gesture,
Big-nose gesture
when you said "jew."
I did not.
You did, too.
No, I was just doing a --
it's a friendly wave.
Who were you waving at?
What?
Who were you waving at?
I was waving at you.
Hey.
You see, no,
you haven't learned a thing.
You -- you --
you did the big-nose mime,
The schnozzle mime.
That's what you did.
It's -- it's -- it's all
anti-semitism with jews.
You know that?
It's true.
Asking to move your cab
is anti-semitic.
You know, I do a wave at you,
I'm hitler.
I invite you to my son's
wedding, and what do you do?
You know, if you're
gonna be anti-semitic,
At least stop sounding
so jewish.
Ha!
There you go again!
What?
There you go again!
What?
You -- what is it
with you people?
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
You are "you people."
that's why you have a big nose.
That's -- no, there's nature
and there's nurture.
This nose -- big, yes,
but it was made in pakistan.
It's not jewish.
You know, yeah.
That's -- that's right.
It was made in pakistan.
It's not jewish because it
doesn't have enough suffering
To be a real jewish nose.
You're actually
very racist.
You're very racist.
You know that?
I am not racist.
I'm saying that my nose is
a real jewish nose.
You don't even know
about you.
You have some papers
that say you're jewish.
I don't care
if I have a jewish nose.
Who knows if you're
really izzy's son?
I don't know that.
Let me tell you something.
Your cockney accent
is shite.
yes, I got to have faith
mm, I got to have faith
because I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith
I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith
baby
I know
you're asking me to stay
saying please, please,
please, don't go away
you say
I'm giving you the blues
maybe, huh
you mean every word you say
can't help
but think of yesterday
and another who tied me down
to loverboy rules
before this river
becomes an ocean
before you throw my heart
back on the floor
oh, baby, I reconsider
my foolish notion
well, I need someone
to hold me
but I'll wait
for something more
yes, I got to have faith
mm, I got to have faith
because I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith
I got to have faith,
a-faith, a-faith
[ intro to "this confusion"
plays ]
I went to the house of love
I thought it was the place
I should be in
I thought I knew
just where I was
but I was really lost
inside myself
I've spoke to many wiser men
they talk
about a brand-new day
unless you do it
through and through
until my soul
had gone astray
oh, lord, you've got
to make me see
you got to give some
you got to point the way out
oh, lord,
I want to see it through
I want to understand
I want to know who I am
lord, help me please
get through this confusion
you've just got to help me
through this confusion
never gonna work it out
never gonna learn
a whole new song
know I'm gonna be the fool
always gonna get it
all so wrong
but there is a way to go
never gonna set this world
to right
until I find myself
get myself in my own sight
oh, lord,
you got to make me see
you got to give some
you got to point the way out
oh, lord,
I want to see it through
I want to understand
I want to know who I am
lord, help me please
get through this confusion
you've just got to help me
through this confusion