Innerself (2018) Movie Script
- This is
not a drill.
This is not a fantasy.
This is your innerself.
This is your reality.
Try, to find those voices
outside
Try to find places to run and
hide
Look for something but
it's never been clear
Search for something
but it's never been here
Look into yourself
You'll be free
Look into yourself
It's who your meant to be
Listen to yourself
It's how its meant to be
Listen to yourself
Set your innerself free
Wish for something you can't
describe
Unimaginable, some other kind
of life
Seems so dark you can't find a
light
There's a voice inside,
guiding you to right
Look into yourself
Listen to yourself
This is not a drill.
Trust your innerself
This is not a fantasy.
This is your innerself.
I'm your innerself
This is your reality.
- Ed?
Ed?
Quit wasting your time watching
these stupid chop suey
movies and get a job!
You are 27 for God's sake!
Oh my God.
Ed, this room is a mess.
Get rid of these bottles.
I ordered a pizza for you.
Go pick it up.
I'll be at Peter's, so don't
wait up.
Well, you know the pizza
won't walk here by itself.
Go get the food!
Why can't ...
Why can't he be a good son?
Why can't he why can't he
Be self-motivated
Why can't he
Why can't he change
Oh why won't he why won't he
Lose that dream so over-rated
Why won't he stop being so
strange
I never thought I wouldn't
love him
But he keeps pressing the
envelope
I never thought I couldn't hug
him
But he's on the most
downward of slopes
Always the smoking
Always the gaming and drinking
The movies those damn martial
arts
He pretends he's a master
His life is a complete
disaster
Worth nothing more than my
farts
I never thought I wouldn't
love him
But he keeps making me mope
I never thought I couldn't hug
him
But he's really getting my
goat
But tonight yes tonight
I'll let my worries go away
And then tomorrow
I'll help my poor son
I'll be a good mother
above every other
but tonight this mother needs
some fun
I never thought I wouldn't
love him
But actually it's me
who needs some love
I never thought I couldn't hug
him
But now's my time to have some
fun
I never thought I wouldn't
love him
But actually it's me
who needs some love
I never thought I couldn't hug
him
But now it's my time to rise
above
- Oh yeah!
Not bad, not bad.
Oh!
- I hate it when I get
interrupted
in the middle of my training.
It only slows down my
progress.
But, just gotta keep
training and getting better.
Just gotta keep getting better.
And I know that I gotta get
better now
I wanna show you all I won't
keep
Being treated like a chow
That's right I'm a shining
star
That's right none of you are
on par
You can't mess with me no more
I can make your asses sore
With the whoopin' that I'm
puttin'
On the martial arts floor
That's right I'm gonna go far
That's right I'm here
to keep raising that bar
You're gonna feel the way I
felt
Pushed into that locker
You're gone feel the
intimidation
Of being a loner
I will no longer get hurt
I will no longer be bullied
Because I am the master.
- Hey Ed.
Whatcha got there, Ed?
- Hi, Sean.
This is just a pizza for me and
my mom.
- You got a pizza?
You mean you got us, me and
my crew, a pizza for us, man.
- No, no, it's mine!
- Calm down, relax, you don't
want any trouble do you?
- Uh, no.
- He's going back into turtle
shell.
- Shut up!
- You have been very
disrespectful.
- No.
- Yes you have.
- He thinks he's a kung fu
master.
- What did I do?
When did this pain come along?
No matter where I go,
no matter where I am,
I am always so wrong.
Just always so wrong.
Living life without an answer
It's so hard to just follow my
dreams
'Cause I'm living life
with no chance for
Any way to sew up these seams
What did he do
When did that little shit come
along
No matter where I go
No matter where I am
He is in my head like a song
Living life without answers
It's so hard to follow my
dreams
Living life with no chance for
Me to say whatever the hell I
mean
Without him around
My day would be way more
peaceful
Without him around
My day would be perfect
Look at the spoils of victory
So neat and so
Messy
This happened so quickly
Without a doubt
We are not that different
You know soon I'll be
able to stand up high
I'll stand high as the Empire
State
Because no one can
mess with the master
Living life with an answer
Now I can still follow my
dreams
Living life with a chance for
To make them all bow
down to their knees
Soon he'll be out of my life
I'll be away from all the
strife
I'm moving away yeah I'm
not I'm not here to stay nah
I'm not staying here no
I'm not freaking staying nah
Once he is gone then I'll have
one
And life will go on
My life now has a chance for
Every one will answer to me
My life now has the chance for
Me to squash everyone's dreams
- Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We are students of kung fu.
We'll make masters out of you.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
We know all the secret moves.
Sign up today and go improve.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
We are students of kung fu.
We'll make masters out of you.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
Hoo, ha, hiya.
- Welcome to the Birch Knows
Kung Fu dojo.
Hello?
- Sorry, I'm just looking.
- No problem.
Aren't they great?
- Spectacular.
- Yeah, aren't they?
So, what can I do for you?
What--
- Shh.
Just let me enjoy this
a little bit longer.
- Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We know all secret moves.
- Sorry, you were saying?
- No problem.
Are you here for the free
lesson?
- Mm-hm.
- Sensei Birch?
Sensei Birch, this ...
gentleman is inquiring
about the free lesson.
- Yes, hello, welcome to Sensei
Birch Knows Kung Fu dojo.
So you're here for a free
lesson?
- Yes.
I'm interested in learning some
kung fu here, Sensei Bitch.
- Haha, that's Birch, Sensei
Birch.
- I mean Sensei Birch.
Yes, I want to learn after
school.
- All are welcome who want to
train here and learn our art.
So, tell us, why do you want to
learn?
- What should I
say to her?
Um, how about, I can be
stronger with confidence?
No.
How about to learn the way
of the Bushido and be humble?
No, that's not worldly enough.
Oh, how about to learn the
Asian culture and history?
No, that's too lame.
Come on, think.
Maybe to have self-respect and
discipline.
No.
Oh, I know!
- And to avenge my mother.
She was murdered while
she was protecting me
from the Triads!
- I'm sorry.
I don't think this is the school
for you.
We don't teach revenge here.
I think you need to go
to a different dojo.
You have the wrong school.
- No!
I want you!
I mean, I need you, to teach me
more.
I mean, I already know
some kung fu already.
I just need you to give
me that extra oomph
so I can get to the next level.
- I'm sorry, sir.
This is not the school for you.
If you could please go--
- No, I won't go!
- Why does he keep interrupting
me?
- Please, Sensei Bitch, I mean
Birch, please enlighten me.
I need to learn more.
Unless you think I'm
better than everyone here,
or may be you've got
nothing more to teach me.
- You know, you sure talk a lot.
And you interrupt a lot!
I'll tell you what, here's the
deal.
If you can beat one of my
students,
or shall I say interrupt them,
then you can train here.
- Easy.
Bring it on.
- Students.
Gather round.
Melody, come here.
I want you to take it easy on
him, okay?
Okay.
- What the?
You want me to seriously,
you want me to fight her?
She's a girl!
- You said you were good.
- But she's a girl!
- So show me if you can.
Deal, or no deal.
- Fine.
- Please go easy on me.
- You may leave now.
- I'm absolutely certain that I
can create
some amazing artwork for your
school.
- Thank you, Stella.
Your art would look great
on the walls of the dojo.
Hmm, very inspiring.
- Thank you.
- Thank you again.
Just give me a call when the
piece is ready to be picked up.
- Absolutely.
Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
Where the hell did you come
from?
- I got you now!
Last time was a cheap shot,
making me fight a little girl.
But this time I'm ready.
Where is that Sensei Bitch?
- Laura.
I think you can handle this
situation.
- All right.
I'll be back.
- So we're thinking about doing
a two-for-one kind of deal.
- Okay, I'm ready this time.
Where's that Sensei Bitch?
- Do you mind waiting
until we're done eating?
Do you want to join us?
Here, have a seat.
It's good, right?
Glad you're enjoying the food.
We always come here.
So, Ed ...
Why do you really want to learn
kung fu?
- When I was growing
up, I was so different.
I was always slower than
everybody else.
I didn't know anyone, and I
didn't fit in,
so I found comfort watching
martial art movies.
When we moved here, I was
looking forward to school.
I was looking forward
to meeting new friends.
Who knew that it wouldn't work
out?
People just ignored me.
So I started to watch more kung
fu movies
and learned from their moves,
trying to learn something.
While at school, I just kept
getting harassed and bullied.
Even during our school road
trips,
kids would keep making fun of me
for how slow I was and not
knowing how things worked.
I was a nobody that got blamed
and pushed around a lot.
I got so tired of it that I
continued
learning kung fu from
home, watching from the TV,
hoping to have more confidence
so that people would like me
and go bother someone else for a
change.
And maybe, just maybe,
I could make one single friend,
or more.
But that failed.
After high school, we
all got an internship
at a local photography studio.
I was so happy, but
only for a split second.
- Edward Ralph Turtle, come
here!
I need four copies of this right
away!
Stat!
Come on!
Come on, time is money!
Let's go!
My colleagues and even my boss
started to make fun of me,
because I was so slow and
because I was so different.
- Put that book away!
Come on!
Unbelievable!
Figure it out!
- So I wanted to
learn kung fu even more,
to become a real master and beat
everyone
that makes fun of me, or at
least anyone
that tries to make fun
of me in the future.
I won't take it!
- That's no way to learn
any martial art because ...
Once I was afraid I was
petrified
Thought I was alone no one by
my side
Then I learned kung fu
completely on my own
Wasn't until I met Miss
Birch I found I wasn't alone
I'm her guiding light
when she's in the dark
Never been an opponent
that we could not shark
If you think I'm a nobody
I'll show you who I am
I'm a somebody with two guns
baby
And those guns are my hands
All right, all right,
enough talking, more eating.
Ed, have some more chickens
feet.
And some tea to wash that down.
Yup.
Great.
All right.
So let's eat up.
So ...
- I sense trouble.
- Let's not get involved.
We have class starting in 10
minutes
and we need to get back to the
school.
- Okay, today is my lucky day.
Where is she?
- Not today, Ed.
We need to get back to--
- Ha ta ta ta ta!
I've been practicing all day
yesterday.
Sensei Bitch is going down.
Where is she?
- Ed.
What are you doing?
- I'm here to prove
that I can beat 'em all.
- I want to see that, yeah.
- After I'm done beating
all of them, you're next!
- You do remember what happened
like a couple weeks back, yeah?
- I don't even need to beat you.
In fact, Sensei Dave over here,
well, he can even beat you too.
He can mop the floor with you.
- Sensei Dave, huh?
Who in the hell does he think he
is?
Master of the universe?
- Eye of fire, eye of wind,
take me to the place of zen.
Eye of earth, eye of water,
let me show them how to win.
Eye of fire, eye of wind,
take me to the place of zen.
Eye of earth, eye of wind,
let me show them how to win.
Those eyes those eyes
I've seen those eyes before
They're fired with a spirit
for sure
Those yes those eyes
I've seen those eyes before
A zen master spirit wants more
Take a listen to his chants
They're calm, serene and
peaceful.
They're seductive of
course I need to resist
I need not to fearful
- Eye of fire, eye of wind,
take me to the place of zen.
Those eyes those eyes
I've met those eyes before
They feel like they
can cut a hundred souls
Those eyes those eyes
I fight those eyes wants more
Before I have embraced my
inner peace
He will not reach me
I'm tough like egg rolls
I counter his calling without
doubt
I have an idea no fighting
anymore
I will not pay his tolls
- Eye of water, eye of wind,
take me to the place of zen.
Eye of fire, eye of wind,
let me show them how to win.
Those eyes those eyes
I won't see them anymore
I can feel him struggling yes
I do
Those eyes those eyes
Getting weaker by the word
It's time for me to beat him
up
- Dave.
Dave!
What?
I'm tired I'm tired
I'm tired of Ed getting the
the gold
Damn I don't deserve this
Each time each time I
see him hanging around
He acts like he knows kung fu
He doesn't know a black belt
from blue
And he calls himself an expert
Me, I train hard each and
every day
I am the black belt master
Look here look here
Aren't my skills great
I just want to beat Ed up
I'm here I'm here
Please throw me the bone
I just wanna beat Ed up.
- Sean, you are awesome.
I never understood why
you had to be so vicious
when you were already so good.
I mean, I think it's because
you wanted me to get better,
but I thought you were training
me,
you wanted to make me stronger,
and that's why I followed you.
- Did you really look up to me?
I'm sorry I was a jerk, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being mean to you,
man.
- You know what?
No sweat.
Come here.
- This is incredible, man.
This just came out.
How do you have a copy?
- I actually met the main actor
online
and he gave me this copy when I
told him
I'm gonna be a great kung fu
master.
- That's awesome, dude.
That's great.
- Ed, are you in there?
- Oh, hi, mom!
- Oh, I see you have a friend
over.
- Miss Peterson.
- At least now you aren't all
alone doing god knows what.
Anyway, Ed, meet Peter.
Peter, this is my son Ed.
I don't think you guys ever met
before,
since we're always ...
busy.
- Nice firm grip.
You must work out.
- Him?
Work out?
All he does is sit in front
of the TV doing dirty things.
- Mom!
Day and night he does nothing
Pretending to know how to
fight
Though he's never endured
anything
He can't even sleep through
the night.
Maybe it's just an illusion
From that god awful instructor
he sees
Maybe it's just a delusion
There is no time for me
Tonight I'm going to a party
yeah
I have no time to waste.
Tonight I'm going to cut loose
woo
So come on let's make haste
Soon will be out anniversary
Made to be celebrated
Tonight we're gonna have fun
This night will never be
evaded
- Wait, you guys have only
gone out for like a week.
What the hell anniversary is
this?
- Okay, Ed, we are, um, heading
out for our, uh, dinner.
Here's some cash for you
to go get some Chinese ...
chop suey.
- Okay, we are off.
- Nice meeting you.
- Don't wait up.
- Hey, Ed.
- Hey, Sean.
- Where you going?
- I'm just heading to the dojo.
- Dojo?
To kick my ass again?
- No, I'm not kicking your ass.
You're not a mule.
- What?
Can I come with you?
- You want to learn some kung
fu?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be cool.
- Come on.
- Cool.
Hey, I'll see you guys later,
okay?
- Sensei Bitch.
Sensei Birch.
- Just call me Sensei.
- Master.
I want to learn kung fu.
How much would it be for--
- Uh-uh.
Money is not the answer to
everything.
What do you want to learn?
- I want to be like him.
I want any better than him
actually.
- Okay.
Then you can start with this.
Cleaning.
Wipe on.
Wipe off.
Wipe on.
Wipe off.
- Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Eyes up front.
Back stiff straight.
Do not stand with that gait.
Do as I do.
Do as I say.
Are you crazy?
Put that phone away!
And I don't want to excuses,
especially not from the
clueless.
Can I even make a hero of you?
It's gonna be a challenge.
We must conclude--
- Stop!
This story's about me!
I'm here to learn, Sensei Bitch.
Birch.
I'm here to learn, Sensei Birch.
- Yeah?
- Woo hoo hoo!
What?
I'm the master!
Bitch, give me somebody else to
beat up.
Let's go.
- Ed!
What are you doing?
- He'll be all right.
He just needs some rest.
You two, take him to the back.
Ah!
Ah, come on, he's not done yet.
Come on, mutton chops, one more
round.
Let's go, let's go.
All right, okay, fine.
I beat you.
You remember that.
Who's next?
You, ah, you're too skinny.
You, ah, you're too short.
You, nah, GPAs too low.
You got gloves on.
Let's go.
Come on.
- Ed, you better stop.
- What?
Stop me from beating your ass?
Don't waste my time.
Go back to the corner and clean,
okay?
- Ed, stop.
- Sounds like you want to make
me.
When your mind is clear
Your heart can be pure
When you are free
There's nothing you can't
endure
It's time to be open
Discover the possibilities
- Why are you helping him?
All right.
I don't need no sympathy.
I'll beat him by myself,
show him who's boss.
Then you can truly focus
Just don't let your fears
Overcome and slow us
Remember your friends
Are here to support you
Even in the darkness
You'll feel them too
And the stars will guide you
- Why?
You bring no honor to this
school.
You learn nothing.
Leave.
Don't come back
I don't need him and I never
have
Sure it's all about him
Now he's the teacher's
favorite
He's the enlightened one
And I'm just a little kid
No one cares about me
And how I've improved with
time
Now I'll beat them all
Using my mind
I don't need him I don't need
them
I know enough already
I can't beat anyone
and I'll win you'll see
I can do it alone
I don't need him I don't need
them
I want them all to worship me
I want them to cower in fear
And respect me
But then I don't want them
near
They can stay away
But then again how will I see
Them after I display
I'm a martial arts genius
I don't need him I don't need
them
They'll come crawling back to
me
And I'll turn them away
And all will bow to me
I will be your master
And someday I won't need any
of them
- Son of a bitch!
I'm so sorry.
Dude, I didn't--
You know what?
No.
You should have moved out of
the way when you saw me coming!
- Ed?
Is that you?
- Junior?
Dude!
What are you doing here?
It's been forever.
- I'm just back home visiting my
dad
and helping out around the
house.
What is up with you?
Something seemed like it was
wrong.
Is everything all right?
- Nothing, just, don't worry
about it.
- Uh-huh, look, why don't
you tell me about it,
'cause talking, it can help.
It can help you sort, straighten
stuff.
- They betrayed me!
Okay?
A whole lot of shit happened.
They beat me up!
I beat them up!
I slapped a girl like
three freakin' times,
and she was like 20
years old, I don't know.
Anyways!
So that's it!
Okay?
I don't know!
It was ...
I thought they were my friends.
- They aren't real friends.
Look, they were just using you.
I have to go run some errands
for my dad,
but what if we meet up
tomorrow and hang out then?
How's that sound?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
- All right?
- Yeah, let's do it.
- All right, cool.
- It's set.
- All right, cool.
It's, uh ...
I'll just see you tomorrow.
And so it begins
And so his reign ends
He'll never suspect a thing
I'll have him begging then
I'll sting
I'll butter him up make
him think I'm a friend
Then I'll bring it crashing
right down on his head
And so it begins
And so his reign ends
Is there better bait than a
Judas kiss
No of course not ignorance is
bliss
And he won't see it
coming but come it will
And so it begins
And so his reign ends
The others won't trust him
I'll make sure of it
He is out of his element
he is a house rat
Wouldn't you know it his time
is up
Into the history books he goes
Along with all of his friends
- Ed?
- Hey, man, that is awesome.
You know kung fu?
- Dear, it's not kung fu.
It's chop sueying.
- Good form, good stance.
It looks like you're learning
well.
- Do you know king fu?
- Well, I dabbled when I was
younger.
Just a first degree.
- Well, let's fight then, huh?
- No, no, no.
I'm way too old for that.
- Well, then I win then.
- Ed, I want you to meet Peter's
son.
He's back home from school.
- You!
- Hey, Ed, long time no see.
- I guess they know each other.
- Yeah.
- Let's you and I head back
down and let the kids hang.
- Actually, dad, we're gonna
head out,
so you can have the house.
Ed, follow me.
- Look at 'em.
It's great to see them bonding.
Yeah, perhaps they'll
become brothers some day.
- Daddy like.
- I guess it begins.
End of a friendship.
And in return betrayal
We used to have it all
We could have taken the world
But now we're conquering each
other
We couldn't even conquer a
squirrel
Was there ever a time for
compromise
We definitely missed that
chance
Were there a time for the good
guys
We couldn't make it a match
You could say that
I once cared for him
But clearly not anymore
You could say that
we were close but no
And now we're both just poor
And on this eve of their
demise
I find that I am charged
There's nothing better
than a friendship
That is frustrated
Will they ever recover
I'll ensure that they will not
It's time this ended yes
It's time to fill the moat
I'll have them spinning in
circles
Around each other they go
They'll never think it was me
Watch them both fall and
squirm
To the ground
I'll have them wishing
they'd never come around
- Isn't that Sean?
- No.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was him.
- How's he been?
- He's fine!
- Okay, that is a sour subject.
Avoid that.
Hey, look, we're friends.
Let's just go back to what we
were doing.
- All right.
- All right?
- Your form's okay.
- Okay.
- You gotta bend your
knees a little bit more.
Yeah.
And then widen your stance.
No.
- No?
- No.
Do it again.
Do as I do.
Do as I say.
- Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We are students of kung fu.
We'll make masters out of you.
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
- What's wrong, Sean?
Why the long face?
- Master, I just saw Ed
a couple minutes ago,
and he was with somebody, and
Ed was teaching him kung fu.
- Don't worry about him.
He'll find the right path soon.
- Master, how do you know that?
- Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We know all the secret moves.
Sign up today and you'll
improve.
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We are students of kung fu.
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We are students of kung fu.
We'll make masters out of you.
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
- This is supposed to be
the best school in the city?
Yeah, it seems pathetic enough.
- Sir.
Are you here to learn?
- Who's in charge?
- I am.
- You're the person
with the highest rank?
- Yes.
- Well then I'm here to
challenge you to a duel.
- Sir.
This is a school of learning, of
harmony.
- Harmony my arse!
Ed said this school is better
than mine.
- Are you a friend of Ed's?
- Friend?
No, I'm his father.
And I heard what the school
treated him.
And I'm here to make sure
I teach you all a lesson.
- Sir, we did nothing wrong.
We simply asked Ed to leave.
This is not a school of
vengeance or of bullying.
- Regardless, I'm not leaving
until I teach you all a lesson.
- I guess there's only one
way to settle things with you.
Come.
- That's all you got?
Come on!
Get off me!
Guess you've learned your
lesson.
You need to be training in my
dojo.
This school can't teach you
anything.
In fact, I'll give each of
you 50% off for first year.
Just have to follow me now.
- Why didn't you help her out?
- There's a time for everything.
This will sort itself out.
- Hey, be careful with me!
I don't know how to fight.
- Sorry.
Now that you know how the--
- Sean!
What are you doing?
- You can ask him.
He sent Peter to school
The dojo solo
To challenge Sensei Birch
For real oh no
He claimed it was necessary
Only a fool
To teach Sensei a lesson
But that ain't cool
And the Sensei said nah
He's back against the wall
Gave no way out
What's that all about
And uh why'd you do that
He was good
He kicked Sensei and he flew
back
Like whoa
The school is done
Why you stressin'
Many students left with him
'Cause he was impressive
I don't know what you're
talking about
Yes you do
Maybe not
I never ever told Peter
To come up here and blow the
spot
Then why he's here
He already answered that
Then I guess it was good
that that bitch got slapped
Not Sensei Birch
You gotta leave or apologize
That's cool 'cause your school
Is about to get downsized
Gone
Why'd you say that
Now it's on
Y'all never taught me shit
We did but you quit
That school ain't all that
I am cool where I'm at
You still got a long way
Don't talk to him the wrong
way
Peter had skills
For real I'm staying right
here
Dad was the man in here
He'll crush you like a can of
beer
And you should say sorry
right now real quick
To Sensei Birch
You mean Sensei Bitch
What
- I got him, man.
I got him.
- How could you, Ed?
Out of all the people, man!
- I told you, I didn't do
anything!
- Dude, stop lying, man!
- I don't lie!
Why would I?
- Come on, Ed.
Let's get outta here.
Quit wasting time on this loser.
Yeah, and we can hit up my dad's
school.
Maybe he can give me some
pointers or two.
- Mary, this is a great dinner.
- Oh, yes.
Our little family all together
at once.
Ed, why are you playing with
your food?
Ed?
Edward!
- What?
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- So, Ed, how do you like my
school?
- It's an awesome school.
Seeing all of the students
learning over there.
And I can't thank you enough
for letting me teach
them some of my moves.
- Oh?
He's teaching there now?
- Mm-hm.
- Well, not officially, but
seeing that he is a black belt,
I figured I'd let him teach a
bit.
- I loved it.
Thanks.
I'm gonna teach them to
become great students.
- Look, they were all paying
attention, learning new moves.
Ed was teaching.
- They even tried my moves
during the sparring sessions.
And of course none of them
dared to spar with me.
- No, that's because they
all know they can't win.
- That's right.
They know you're a great
warrior,
and they know you know great
kung fu.
And that Sensei Birch, I don't
know what she's teaching,
'cause obviously none of those
students
are learning a thing.
- Personally, I thought
she learned all her kung fu
from like a cereal box.
- What's that Dave guy about?
Isn't he supposed to be Sensei
Birch's teacher or something?
- Mm-hm.
Yeah.
- You know, I don't think
he knows any martial arts,
and that's why he never fights.
- No, he does.
- How do you know?
- I've seen it, when he helped
me.
- But does he teach there?
- No, no, he just walks
around mopping the floor.
I don't know, maybe he's just
got OCD,
or maybe he's got nothing
better--
You know what?
I bet you he's bored, he's just
bored.
He's literally always cleaning.
- He probably needs to get
laid more often.
But since he cleans all the
time,
maybe he could come clean the
house.
- That's probably the only skill
he knows.
- You know, I wonder if
I should challenge him.
You know, show him who's boss.
- You know what?
You should, you should.
You know why?
'Cause dad wouldn't even
want to challenge you.
- That's right.
- No, you're great.
And again, I'm getting too old
to be fighting all this.
But you know, I don't
think you can beat Dave.
- How do you know?
- Well, I'm just guessing.
He's never challenged you.
- Or, alternatively,
maybe he just doesn't
think you're worth it.
- Not worth it?
I beat all his students!
I'm teaching at Peter's school!
How am I not worth it?
- He just thinks you're
a little fly on the wall
that he can swat away.
- Ed, be respectful at the
table.
We have guests.
- Seriously, though.
Can you beat him though?
I don't--
- I can.
He's too weak.
He doesn't practice much,
so he's no match for me.
- Ed, calm down!
- I will force him to see that
I'm great.
I will
I started training
when I was in the crib
He won't
It's always the same
Nothing but fib fib fib fib
I'm strong
And now that I am older
I found my purpose
He's wrong
He thinks he's unique
But really he is just furious
I'm right
I know that I got something
different
Something no one else has
He's right
It's called delusions of
grandeur
Friends flock to him en masse
- That's right.
Tell him off.
I've become
I've got the skills I need to
make it
He's done
Make it to who the dumpster
Those are the only skills he
has
I will
And it's there for the
reaching
I'm gonna take it
He definitely won't with
that bitch he's seeing
Just 'cause
Birch.
It's Birch.
I have
I followed all his orders
I did everything he asked for
And he did so with such ease
He hasn't
I just don't believe it
He's just passing proverbial
gas
Could you pass me the literal
salt please?
I'm strong
No I'm stronger than ever
He's stronger and more clever
He's wrong
I'm not buying any of this
Why do I put up with him
Sing it, mama.
Strength?
He doesn't know the meaning of
the word.
Yes I do
It means withstanding
great force and pressure
He's certainly puts
up with both of you
Force and pressure
You couldn't stand up to a
housefly
Yes yes that is for sure
- I won!
I won every battle with gusto
and poise.
He made something of himself
Coming up from all this noise
He lost
Which one of you is
gonna clean these boys
Not me.
I'm great
Now they're turning against me
Telling me to surrender my
will
He's late
And what about the garbage
that is
Yet to be taken out still
They're jealous of
his newfound courage
- That's it!
I've had it!
This is over!
The next time I come into this
room,
the dishes better be done, and
the garbage
better be out, or heads are
gonna roll.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, mom.
- That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
- Sifu?
Sifu.
I am worried about Ed.
- Oh.
- It's not like him.
I mean, he's neurotic and
everything,
but he would not, like,
hurt people who wants to help
him.
- His eagerness the show that
he's better.
His need want to fit in.
That's the real issue.
- What?
- He's always been a loner,
right?
No friends growing up?
And you always harassed him,
bullied him.
Then he created a barrier.
- Barrier.
- Remember when you were a
child,
wondering about the world
with curiosity, a little fear,
asking random questions,
exploring new possibilities?
And then you got older,
and people started to say,
"No, you can't do that.
"You should focus on this
instead."
And then they start to label you
as introvert, extrovert,
stubborn or weak.
And maybe they even bully you
because you can't live
up to a certain standard.
All of these bump ups make
you want to create a barrier.
We all have these barriers that
protect our authentic self.
Think of it this way.
It's like wrapping multiple
blankets around yourself
when you're a child to protect
yourself
from the monsters under the bed.
But those monsters now are
people.
At the core, you're still the
same child,
but you behave differently
because you have all these
layers
you carry around with
you to protect yourself.
So, now you're more a product
of,
you know, a reflection
of your circumstances
than your true authentic self.
- Then what should we do?
I mean, we can't let him
fall down the rabbit hole.
- No, we won't let that happen.
But I have a feeling
everything's gonna work out
soon.
- How do you know?
You psychic?
I like the new drone.
- Yeah?
This one is for speed
and racing, but this one
is more suitable and
stable to be a filmmaker.
- Yeah, he's try to be a
filmmaker to make millions.
- Nothing wrong with dreaming
big.
- What else can this thing do?
- You can race it.
There's like really cool things
where they like race through at
night.
Be careful.
- Wasting time, I see.
So, is Dave at the dojo?
- Ed, what is this?
- I'm going to challenge him.
- You know, show him who's the
boss.
- He's your teacher, man.
- He's not my teacher!
He didn't teach me shit!
But once I beat him,
everyone will know that I'm the
greatest.
- Dude, you don't have to
prove anything to anyone, man.
- He sure does!
Dave's been holding him back.
Ed, ignore them.
Let's get back to the dojo.
- You'll have to fight me then.
- Don't be silly.
You're no match for me.
- Hey Ed, why don't
you use him for warmup?
Maybe teach him a lesson or two.
- Yeah, like how he always
bullied you.
Show him how it's done now.
- Ed, I'm sorry for what I've
done.
It was messed up.
But this doesn't make it right.
- Save it!
Your whole life, you always
thought you were on top
while you looked down at the
rest of us.
- You think your still better
than me?
- No, I just ...
- All right, I guess I'm just
gonna have
to teach you a lesson.
- Get him!
Think I can't beat you?
That's ridiculous!
Woo!
I'm the best!
- Yes, you are.
- Dude, that was amazing.
I cannot believe you could do
that!
- Call Sifu.
- Yeah, go warn him.
Go ahead.
- Hey, it's me.
You gotta head over to the dojo
quick.
Ed's on his way to challenge
Dave.
You gotta warn Sensei Birch.
Hurry.
- Yeah, let 'em know that Master
Ed's
coming to beat them up!
- Let's go.
- Let's do it!
- Just like I thought.
And still pathetic.
- Sir.
You won, okay?
There's no reason to
return to humiliate us.
- But it's so much fun.
However, this time ...
it's not me.
Ed.
- Ed?
- Sensei Birch.
Nice to see you.
Hope all is well.
Anyways, where's Dave?
- He's here.
Is there something I can help
you with?
- No.
I'm here to challenge him.
- You know this is not right.
Be respectful!
- Ed, he's avoiding you,
because he knows he's better
than you.
- Junior, you're right.
He thinks he's wasting time
fighting you.
- No!
I want to fight him right now!
You hear me?
I want to fight him right now,
or I'm tearing this place apart!
- No need to fight over me.
- Ah, you're Dave.
Yeah, you can defeat him no
problem.
You got this.
- Ed, how you been?
- Sifu.
Oh, okay.
I'm just here to, uh ...
- No need to rush.
Take a deep breath.
Breathe.
I'm here.
- Ed, this is your time.
Show him who's the real boss.
He is your master
He is your weakest link.
He's nice to you
He thinks you're an ignorant
fink
He taught kung fu
And what do you remember
He took care of you
So that he can break and
exploit you
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You'll need my advice for
what's coming very soon
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
Don't listen to this buffoon
Find your path choose your
destiny and beat up this goon
- How is this exploitation?
Open your eyes and pay
attention
Yeah, but my body is fitter than
ever.
He wants to make your body
mealy
I can't believe that I am
listening
to your stupid thesis
Well don't fall for it
It's an illusion
He's here to tear you to
pieces
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You'll need my advice for
what's coming very soon
Listen to me
Nah listen to me
I'm here to tell you the plan
Find your path choose your
destiny
Just don't kick the can
He wants you to have
discipline
So that you're panic stricken
So you can have confidence
He's trying to keep you inside
a fence
So you can be a better man
So I can
I mean you can
Do you know what it means to
be a man
It means you're big and strong
No it means you're respectful
courageous and thoughtful
He's doing it so you
can't have freedom
Oh my head hurts
So you can be humble
A weaker man than you've been
Humble is not weak
Oh yes it is it's weak weak
weak
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You will need my advice
for what's coming very soon
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
Listen to me I'm your boon
Find your path choose your
destiny
And don't listen to this goon
- Ed?
Ed!
Get yourself together!
- No!
I won't fight him.
Dave's never hurt me before.
- But he won't fight you,
so he thinks he's better!
- No!
It's not because he thinks he's
better.
It's because he knows he doesn't
have to.
Sean!
I'm so sorry for what I did.
Are you okay?
- Sifu, did you guys fight
already?
- Seafood here, seafood there.
Who's cooking?
This is ridiculous!
I came to see a fight,
not a makeup love story.
- No!
We don't need to fight!
I understand now.
It only makes things worse,
Junior!
- Understand what?
That he's better than you?
That you never--
That you--
That you always had someone
around you,
so you were never alone?
That you took Sean away from me?
- What?
- Drama!
- We were good friends.
When you moved to town, you were
so weird,
and everyone hated you.
And Sean hated you so much
that he quit talking to me.
'Cause all he wanted to do was
hurt you.
- Stat!
Come on!
Come on, time is money!
Let's go!
You're impossible!
Put that away!
We don't have time for that!
Figure it out!
You have gotten slower,
if that's even possible.
- Yeah, we were like brothers,
and then you came in and
destroyed everything.
So I got depressed, and so my
dad sent me to a "hospital".
I stayed there ever since.
We were so close.
We could have beat Dave
and that Sensei Bitch.
And my dad would have married
Ed's mom,
and then he and I would
legally be brothers,
so I'd finally have a friend.
You.
And you will finally be alone,
so you'll know how it feels
Sean.
'Cause that's the plan.
You will finally understand
what it is like to be alone.
- Junior, you're weird.
All this happened years
ago, years ago, man.
Let it go, get some help, and
chill.
- He's got a lot of anger.
I think he needs a hug.
- You know what?
Enough of this sentimental crap!
This is boring.
I came here to see a show,
people.
Hey, I got an idea.
I say we beat 'em all up.
- That sounds like a good idea,
dad.
- Yeah, but we're gonna have
to leave Ed out of this.
I wouldn't know what to tell his
mommy.
- Okay.
- Let me.
I think it's time.
Welcome home, Ed.
- Man, I am so sick of
this sentimental garbage.
Hey, Junior.
Watch your pops beat
him like a volleyball.
- You got this, dad!
Not bad for a janitor.
But then again, I'm
just getting warmed up.
- See that?
- Shh!
- Dad, you okay?
- Shut up!
- Okay.
- It's just like dancing.
- It is.
- Dad?
Dad, I think that um--
- What?
That I'm not good enough?
You're still a pathetic idiot!
Don't you see I got him bouncing
around?
Like a bouncing ball!
- I think it's time for him to
leave.
- Not while I still have the
upper hand.
- Sensei!
- I can't move!
I can't move!
What kind of magic is this?
Why can't I move?
- Pressure points, my friend.
No magic.
Pressure points.
It's time for you to leave.
- Dad!
- That was so cool!
- Sifu, wow!
- Wait, can you teach us?
- How'd you do it?
How'd you do that?
- I wanna learn that.
- Now.
- Can we do that?
- Please.
- Please.
- Today?
- Where'd you learn that from?
- Ancient Chinese secret.
- What!
- Hey Sean, you get out much?
- Ed, you gotta be the moves
man.
Be the moves.
- All right, let's do this.
- Oh, what are you guys
watching?
- A movie.
Oh, thanks mom.
- OMG.
He's polite!
I don't know what you did, but I
like it.
- We're watching a movie.
- My bad.
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You will need my advice
for what's coming very soon
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
Don't listen to this buffoon
Pick your path choose your
destiny and beat up this goon
I'm good Ed I'm Bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You will need my advice
for what's coming very soon
Listen to me
Nah listen to me
I'm here to tell you the plan
Find your path choose your
destiny
Just don't kick the can
- Then I would start with ...
this.
- That's good.
Back to one.
Cut that.
- Scene 37 H, take
one.
- You walked too far.
- I did.
- I'm here to
challenge you to a duel.
I said, I'm here to
challenge you to a du--
- Are you here to
learn?
- I don't know my lines.
Damn!
- Master, I just saw Sean a
couple--
- Everyone will know
that I'm the greatest.
- You don't have to
prove anything to anyone.
- Cut.
- Going to to a dojo so
you can kick my ass again?
- Ed, ignore them.
Let's get to the dojo to
.
God!
- I can't beat you?
That's ridiculous!
- What the just
happened?
I slipped on ice cream.
- Down.
And push.
- You know it's supposed
to be the other way, right?
- Block.
No, you're great.
Don't know my frickin'
line, but you are great.
- He's too weak.
He doesn't practice much,
and he's no match for me.
- Ed, calm down.
- I got him!
- Stay down!
- Cut.
That looked good.
Go ahead.
- Hoo, ha, hiyah.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
not a drill.
This is not a fantasy.
This is your innerself.
This is your reality.
Try, to find those voices
outside
Try to find places to run and
hide
Look for something but
it's never been clear
Search for something
but it's never been here
Look into yourself
You'll be free
Look into yourself
It's who your meant to be
Listen to yourself
It's how its meant to be
Listen to yourself
Set your innerself free
Wish for something you can't
describe
Unimaginable, some other kind
of life
Seems so dark you can't find a
light
There's a voice inside,
guiding you to right
Look into yourself
Listen to yourself
This is not a drill.
Trust your innerself
This is not a fantasy.
This is your innerself.
I'm your innerself
This is your reality.
- Ed?
Ed?
Quit wasting your time watching
these stupid chop suey
movies and get a job!
You are 27 for God's sake!
Oh my God.
Ed, this room is a mess.
Get rid of these bottles.
I ordered a pizza for you.
Go pick it up.
I'll be at Peter's, so don't
wait up.
Well, you know the pizza
won't walk here by itself.
Go get the food!
Why can't ...
Why can't he be a good son?
Why can't he why can't he
Be self-motivated
Why can't he
Why can't he change
Oh why won't he why won't he
Lose that dream so over-rated
Why won't he stop being so
strange
I never thought I wouldn't
love him
But he keeps pressing the
envelope
I never thought I couldn't hug
him
But he's on the most
downward of slopes
Always the smoking
Always the gaming and drinking
The movies those damn martial
arts
He pretends he's a master
His life is a complete
disaster
Worth nothing more than my
farts
I never thought I wouldn't
love him
But he keeps making me mope
I never thought I couldn't hug
him
But he's really getting my
goat
But tonight yes tonight
I'll let my worries go away
And then tomorrow
I'll help my poor son
I'll be a good mother
above every other
but tonight this mother needs
some fun
I never thought I wouldn't
love him
But actually it's me
who needs some love
I never thought I couldn't hug
him
But now's my time to have some
fun
I never thought I wouldn't
love him
But actually it's me
who needs some love
I never thought I couldn't hug
him
But now it's my time to rise
above
- Oh yeah!
Not bad, not bad.
Oh!
- I hate it when I get
interrupted
in the middle of my training.
It only slows down my
progress.
But, just gotta keep
training and getting better.
Just gotta keep getting better.
And I know that I gotta get
better now
I wanna show you all I won't
keep
Being treated like a chow
That's right I'm a shining
star
That's right none of you are
on par
You can't mess with me no more
I can make your asses sore
With the whoopin' that I'm
puttin'
On the martial arts floor
That's right I'm gonna go far
That's right I'm here
to keep raising that bar
You're gonna feel the way I
felt
Pushed into that locker
You're gone feel the
intimidation
Of being a loner
I will no longer get hurt
I will no longer be bullied
Because I am the master.
- Hey Ed.
Whatcha got there, Ed?
- Hi, Sean.
This is just a pizza for me and
my mom.
- You got a pizza?
You mean you got us, me and
my crew, a pizza for us, man.
- No, no, it's mine!
- Calm down, relax, you don't
want any trouble do you?
- Uh, no.
- He's going back into turtle
shell.
- Shut up!
- You have been very
disrespectful.
- No.
- Yes you have.
- He thinks he's a kung fu
master.
- What did I do?
When did this pain come along?
No matter where I go,
no matter where I am,
I am always so wrong.
Just always so wrong.
Living life without an answer
It's so hard to just follow my
dreams
'Cause I'm living life
with no chance for
Any way to sew up these seams
What did he do
When did that little shit come
along
No matter where I go
No matter where I am
He is in my head like a song
Living life without answers
It's so hard to follow my
dreams
Living life with no chance for
Me to say whatever the hell I
mean
Without him around
My day would be way more
peaceful
Without him around
My day would be perfect
Look at the spoils of victory
So neat and so
Messy
This happened so quickly
Without a doubt
We are not that different
You know soon I'll be
able to stand up high
I'll stand high as the Empire
State
Because no one can
mess with the master
Living life with an answer
Now I can still follow my
dreams
Living life with a chance for
To make them all bow
down to their knees
Soon he'll be out of my life
I'll be away from all the
strife
I'm moving away yeah I'm
not I'm not here to stay nah
I'm not staying here no
I'm not freaking staying nah
Once he is gone then I'll have
one
And life will go on
My life now has a chance for
Every one will answer to me
My life now has the chance for
Me to squash everyone's dreams
- Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We are students of kung fu.
We'll make masters out of you.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
We know all the secret moves.
Sign up today and go improve.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
We are students of kung fu.
We'll make masters out of you.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.
Hoo, ha, hiya.
- Welcome to the Birch Knows
Kung Fu dojo.
Hello?
- Sorry, I'm just looking.
- No problem.
Aren't they great?
- Spectacular.
- Yeah, aren't they?
So, what can I do for you?
What--
- Shh.
Just let me enjoy this
a little bit longer.
- Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We know all secret moves.
- Sorry, you were saying?
- No problem.
Are you here for the free
lesson?
- Mm-hm.
- Sensei Birch?
Sensei Birch, this ...
gentleman is inquiring
about the free lesson.
- Yes, hello, welcome to Sensei
Birch Knows Kung Fu dojo.
So you're here for a free
lesson?
- Yes.
I'm interested in learning some
kung fu here, Sensei Bitch.
- Haha, that's Birch, Sensei
Birch.
- I mean Sensei Birch.
Yes, I want to learn after
school.
- All are welcome who want to
train here and learn our art.
So, tell us, why do you want to
learn?
- What should I
say to her?
Um, how about, I can be
stronger with confidence?
No.
How about to learn the way
of the Bushido and be humble?
No, that's not worldly enough.
Oh, how about to learn the
Asian culture and history?
No, that's too lame.
Come on, think.
Maybe to have self-respect and
discipline.
No.
Oh, I know!
- And to avenge my mother.
She was murdered while
she was protecting me
from the Triads!
- I'm sorry.
I don't think this is the school
for you.
We don't teach revenge here.
I think you need to go
to a different dojo.
You have the wrong school.
- No!
I want you!
I mean, I need you, to teach me
more.
I mean, I already know
some kung fu already.
I just need you to give
me that extra oomph
so I can get to the next level.
- I'm sorry, sir.
This is not the school for you.
If you could please go--
- No, I won't go!
- Why does he keep interrupting
me?
- Please, Sensei Bitch, I mean
Birch, please enlighten me.
I need to learn more.
Unless you think I'm
better than everyone here,
or may be you've got
nothing more to teach me.
- You know, you sure talk a lot.
And you interrupt a lot!
I'll tell you what, here's the
deal.
If you can beat one of my
students,
or shall I say interrupt them,
then you can train here.
- Easy.
Bring it on.
- Students.
Gather round.
Melody, come here.
I want you to take it easy on
him, okay?
Okay.
- What the?
You want me to seriously,
you want me to fight her?
She's a girl!
- You said you were good.
- But she's a girl!
- So show me if you can.
Deal, or no deal.
- Fine.
- Please go easy on me.
- You may leave now.
- I'm absolutely certain that I
can create
some amazing artwork for your
school.
- Thank you, Stella.
Your art would look great
on the walls of the dojo.
Hmm, very inspiring.
- Thank you.
- Thank you again.
Just give me a call when the
piece is ready to be picked up.
- Absolutely.
Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
Where the hell did you come
from?
- I got you now!
Last time was a cheap shot,
making me fight a little girl.
But this time I'm ready.
Where is that Sensei Bitch?
- Laura.
I think you can handle this
situation.
- All right.
I'll be back.
- So we're thinking about doing
a two-for-one kind of deal.
- Okay, I'm ready this time.
Where's that Sensei Bitch?
- Do you mind waiting
until we're done eating?
Do you want to join us?
Here, have a seat.
It's good, right?
Glad you're enjoying the food.
We always come here.
So, Ed ...
Why do you really want to learn
kung fu?
- When I was growing
up, I was so different.
I was always slower than
everybody else.
I didn't know anyone, and I
didn't fit in,
so I found comfort watching
martial art movies.
When we moved here, I was
looking forward to school.
I was looking forward
to meeting new friends.
Who knew that it wouldn't work
out?
People just ignored me.
So I started to watch more kung
fu movies
and learned from their moves,
trying to learn something.
While at school, I just kept
getting harassed and bullied.
Even during our school road
trips,
kids would keep making fun of me
for how slow I was and not
knowing how things worked.
I was a nobody that got blamed
and pushed around a lot.
I got so tired of it that I
continued
learning kung fu from
home, watching from the TV,
hoping to have more confidence
so that people would like me
and go bother someone else for a
change.
And maybe, just maybe,
I could make one single friend,
or more.
But that failed.
After high school, we
all got an internship
at a local photography studio.
I was so happy, but
only for a split second.
- Edward Ralph Turtle, come
here!
I need four copies of this right
away!
Stat!
Come on!
Come on, time is money!
Let's go!
My colleagues and even my boss
started to make fun of me,
because I was so slow and
because I was so different.
- Put that book away!
Come on!
Unbelievable!
Figure it out!
- So I wanted to
learn kung fu even more,
to become a real master and beat
everyone
that makes fun of me, or at
least anyone
that tries to make fun
of me in the future.
I won't take it!
- That's no way to learn
any martial art because ...
Once I was afraid I was
petrified
Thought I was alone no one by
my side
Then I learned kung fu
completely on my own
Wasn't until I met Miss
Birch I found I wasn't alone
I'm her guiding light
when she's in the dark
Never been an opponent
that we could not shark
If you think I'm a nobody
I'll show you who I am
I'm a somebody with two guns
baby
And those guns are my hands
All right, all right,
enough talking, more eating.
Ed, have some more chickens
feet.
And some tea to wash that down.
Yup.
Great.
All right.
So let's eat up.
So ...
- I sense trouble.
- Let's not get involved.
We have class starting in 10
minutes
and we need to get back to the
school.
- Okay, today is my lucky day.
Where is she?
- Not today, Ed.
We need to get back to--
- Ha ta ta ta ta!
I've been practicing all day
yesterday.
Sensei Bitch is going down.
Where is she?
- Ed.
What are you doing?
- I'm here to prove
that I can beat 'em all.
- I want to see that, yeah.
- After I'm done beating
all of them, you're next!
- You do remember what happened
like a couple weeks back, yeah?
- I don't even need to beat you.
In fact, Sensei Dave over here,
well, he can even beat you too.
He can mop the floor with you.
- Sensei Dave, huh?
Who in the hell does he think he
is?
Master of the universe?
- Eye of fire, eye of wind,
take me to the place of zen.
Eye of earth, eye of water,
let me show them how to win.
Eye of fire, eye of wind,
take me to the place of zen.
Eye of earth, eye of wind,
let me show them how to win.
Those eyes those eyes
I've seen those eyes before
They're fired with a spirit
for sure
Those yes those eyes
I've seen those eyes before
A zen master spirit wants more
Take a listen to his chants
They're calm, serene and
peaceful.
They're seductive of
course I need to resist
I need not to fearful
- Eye of fire, eye of wind,
take me to the place of zen.
Those eyes those eyes
I've met those eyes before
They feel like they
can cut a hundred souls
Those eyes those eyes
I fight those eyes wants more
Before I have embraced my
inner peace
He will not reach me
I'm tough like egg rolls
I counter his calling without
doubt
I have an idea no fighting
anymore
I will not pay his tolls
- Eye of water, eye of wind,
take me to the place of zen.
Eye of fire, eye of wind,
let me show them how to win.
Those eyes those eyes
I won't see them anymore
I can feel him struggling yes
I do
Those eyes those eyes
Getting weaker by the word
It's time for me to beat him
up
- Dave.
Dave!
What?
I'm tired I'm tired
I'm tired of Ed getting the
the gold
Damn I don't deserve this
Each time each time I
see him hanging around
He acts like he knows kung fu
He doesn't know a black belt
from blue
And he calls himself an expert
Me, I train hard each and
every day
I am the black belt master
Look here look here
Aren't my skills great
I just want to beat Ed up
I'm here I'm here
Please throw me the bone
I just wanna beat Ed up.
- Sean, you are awesome.
I never understood why
you had to be so vicious
when you were already so good.
I mean, I think it's because
you wanted me to get better,
but I thought you were training
me,
you wanted to make me stronger,
and that's why I followed you.
- Did you really look up to me?
I'm sorry I was a jerk, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being mean to you,
man.
- You know what?
No sweat.
Come here.
- This is incredible, man.
This just came out.
How do you have a copy?
- I actually met the main actor
online
and he gave me this copy when I
told him
I'm gonna be a great kung fu
master.
- That's awesome, dude.
That's great.
- Ed, are you in there?
- Oh, hi, mom!
- Oh, I see you have a friend
over.
- Miss Peterson.
- At least now you aren't all
alone doing god knows what.
Anyway, Ed, meet Peter.
Peter, this is my son Ed.
I don't think you guys ever met
before,
since we're always ...
busy.
- Nice firm grip.
You must work out.
- Him?
Work out?
All he does is sit in front
of the TV doing dirty things.
- Mom!
Day and night he does nothing
Pretending to know how to
fight
Though he's never endured
anything
He can't even sleep through
the night.
Maybe it's just an illusion
From that god awful instructor
he sees
Maybe it's just a delusion
There is no time for me
Tonight I'm going to a party
yeah
I have no time to waste.
Tonight I'm going to cut loose
woo
So come on let's make haste
Soon will be out anniversary
Made to be celebrated
Tonight we're gonna have fun
This night will never be
evaded
- Wait, you guys have only
gone out for like a week.
What the hell anniversary is
this?
- Okay, Ed, we are, um, heading
out for our, uh, dinner.
Here's some cash for you
to go get some Chinese ...
chop suey.
- Okay, we are off.
- Nice meeting you.
- Don't wait up.
- Hey, Ed.
- Hey, Sean.
- Where you going?
- I'm just heading to the dojo.
- Dojo?
To kick my ass again?
- No, I'm not kicking your ass.
You're not a mule.
- What?
Can I come with you?
- You want to learn some kung
fu?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be cool.
- Come on.
- Cool.
Hey, I'll see you guys later,
okay?
- Sensei Bitch.
Sensei Birch.
- Just call me Sensei.
- Master.
I want to learn kung fu.
How much would it be for--
- Uh-uh.
Money is not the answer to
everything.
What do you want to learn?
- I want to be like him.
I want any better than him
actually.
- Okay.
Then you can start with this.
Cleaning.
Wipe on.
Wipe off.
Wipe on.
Wipe off.
- Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Eyes up front.
Back stiff straight.
Do not stand with that gait.
Do as I do.
Do as I say.
Are you crazy?
Put that phone away!
And I don't want to excuses,
especially not from the
clueless.
Can I even make a hero of you?
It's gonna be a challenge.
We must conclude--
- Stop!
This story's about me!
I'm here to learn, Sensei Bitch.
Birch.
I'm here to learn, Sensei Birch.
- Yeah?
- Woo hoo hoo!
What?
I'm the master!
Bitch, give me somebody else to
beat up.
Let's go.
- Ed!
What are you doing?
- He'll be all right.
He just needs some rest.
You two, take him to the back.
Ah!
Ah, come on, he's not done yet.
Come on, mutton chops, one more
round.
Let's go, let's go.
All right, okay, fine.
I beat you.
You remember that.
Who's next?
You, ah, you're too skinny.
You, ah, you're too short.
You, nah, GPAs too low.
You got gloves on.
Let's go.
Come on.
- Ed, you better stop.
- What?
Stop me from beating your ass?
Don't waste my time.
Go back to the corner and clean,
okay?
- Ed, stop.
- Sounds like you want to make
me.
When your mind is clear
Your heart can be pure
When you are free
There's nothing you can't
endure
It's time to be open
Discover the possibilities
- Why are you helping him?
All right.
I don't need no sympathy.
I'll beat him by myself,
show him who's boss.
Then you can truly focus
Just don't let your fears
Overcome and slow us
Remember your friends
Are here to support you
Even in the darkness
You'll feel them too
And the stars will guide you
- Why?
You bring no honor to this
school.
You learn nothing.
Leave.
Don't come back
I don't need him and I never
have
Sure it's all about him
Now he's the teacher's
favorite
He's the enlightened one
And I'm just a little kid
No one cares about me
And how I've improved with
time
Now I'll beat them all
Using my mind
I don't need him I don't need
them
I know enough already
I can't beat anyone
and I'll win you'll see
I can do it alone
I don't need him I don't need
them
I want them all to worship me
I want them to cower in fear
And respect me
But then I don't want them
near
They can stay away
But then again how will I see
Them after I display
I'm a martial arts genius
I don't need him I don't need
them
They'll come crawling back to
me
And I'll turn them away
And all will bow to me
I will be your master
And someday I won't need any
of them
- Son of a bitch!
I'm so sorry.
Dude, I didn't--
You know what?
No.
You should have moved out of
the way when you saw me coming!
- Ed?
Is that you?
- Junior?
Dude!
What are you doing here?
It's been forever.
- I'm just back home visiting my
dad
and helping out around the
house.
What is up with you?
Something seemed like it was
wrong.
Is everything all right?
- Nothing, just, don't worry
about it.
- Uh-huh, look, why don't
you tell me about it,
'cause talking, it can help.
It can help you sort, straighten
stuff.
- They betrayed me!
Okay?
A whole lot of shit happened.
They beat me up!
I beat them up!
I slapped a girl like
three freakin' times,
and she was like 20
years old, I don't know.
Anyways!
So that's it!
Okay?
I don't know!
It was ...
I thought they were my friends.
- They aren't real friends.
Look, they were just using you.
I have to go run some errands
for my dad,
but what if we meet up
tomorrow and hang out then?
How's that sound?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
- All right?
- Yeah, let's do it.
- All right, cool.
- It's set.
- All right, cool.
It's, uh ...
I'll just see you tomorrow.
And so it begins
And so his reign ends
He'll never suspect a thing
I'll have him begging then
I'll sting
I'll butter him up make
him think I'm a friend
Then I'll bring it crashing
right down on his head
And so it begins
And so his reign ends
Is there better bait than a
Judas kiss
No of course not ignorance is
bliss
And he won't see it
coming but come it will
And so it begins
And so his reign ends
The others won't trust him
I'll make sure of it
He is out of his element
he is a house rat
Wouldn't you know it his time
is up
Into the history books he goes
Along with all of his friends
- Ed?
- Hey, man, that is awesome.
You know kung fu?
- Dear, it's not kung fu.
It's chop sueying.
- Good form, good stance.
It looks like you're learning
well.
- Do you know king fu?
- Well, I dabbled when I was
younger.
Just a first degree.
- Well, let's fight then, huh?
- No, no, no.
I'm way too old for that.
- Well, then I win then.
- Ed, I want you to meet Peter's
son.
He's back home from school.
- You!
- Hey, Ed, long time no see.
- I guess they know each other.
- Yeah.
- Let's you and I head back
down and let the kids hang.
- Actually, dad, we're gonna
head out,
so you can have the house.
Ed, follow me.
- Look at 'em.
It's great to see them bonding.
Yeah, perhaps they'll
become brothers some day.
- Daddy like.
- I guess it begins.
End of a friendship.
And in return betrayal
We used to have it all
We could have taken the world
But now we're conquering each
other
We couldn't even conquer a
squirrel
Was there ever a time for
compromise
We definitely missed that
chance
Were there a time for the good
guys
We couldn't make it a match
You could say that
I once cared for him
But clearly not anymore
You could say that
we were close but no
And now we're both just poor
And on this eve of their
demise
I find that I am charged
There's nothing better
than a friendship
That is frustrated
Will they ever recover
I'll ensure that they will not
It's time this ended yes
It's time to fill the moat
I'll have them spinning in
circles
Around each other they go
They'll never think it was me
Watch them both fall and
squirm
To the ground
I'll have them wishing
they'd never come around
- Isn't that Sean?
- No.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was him.
- How's he been?
- He's fine!
- Okay, that is a sour subject.
Avoid that.
Hey, look, we're friends.
Let's just go back to what we
were doing.
- All right.
- All right?
- Your form's okay.
- Okay.
- You gotta bend your
knees a little bit more.
Yeah.
And then widen your stance.
No.
- No?
- No.
Do it again.
Do as I do.
Do as I say.
- Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We are students of kung fu.
We'll make masters out of you.
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
- What's wrong, Sean?
Why the long face?
- Master, I just saw Ed
a couple minutes ago,
and he was with somebody, and
Ed was teaching him kung fu.
- Don't worry about him.
He'll find the right path soon.
- Master, how do you know that?
- Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We know all the secret moves.
Sign up today and you'll
improve.
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We are students of kung fu.
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
We are students of kung fu.
We'll make masters out of you.
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
Hoo, ha, hiyah!
- This is supposed to be
the best school in the city?
Yeah, it seems pathetic enough.
- Sir.
Are you here to learn?
- Who's in charge?
- I am.
- You're the person
with the highest rank?
- Yes.
- Well then I'm here to
challenge you to a duel.
- Sir.
This is a school of learning, of
harmony.
- Harmony my arse!
Ed said this school is better
than mine.
- Are you a friend of Ed's?
- Friend?
No, I'm his father.
And I heard what the school
treated him.
And I'm here to make sure
I teach you all a lesson.
- Sir, we did nothing wrong.
We simply asked Ed to leave.
This is not a school of
vengeance or of bullying.
- Regardless, I'm not leaving
until I teach you all a lesson.
- I guess there's only one
way to settle things with you.
Come.
- That's all you got?
Come on!
Get off me!
Guess you've learned your
lesson.
You need to be training in my
dojo.
This school can't teach you
anything.
In fact, I'll give each of
you 50% off for first year.
Just have to follow me now.
- Why didn't you help her out?
- There's a time for everything.
This will sort itself out.
- Hey, be careful with me!
I don't know how to fight.
- Sorry.
Now that you know how the--
- Sean!
What are you doing?
- You can ask him.
He sent Peter to school
The dojo solo
To challenge Sensei Birch
For real oh no
He claimed it was necessary
Only a fool
To teach Sensei a lesson
But that ain't cool
And the Sensei said nah
He's back against the wall
Gave no way out
What's that all about
And uh why'd you do that
He was good
He kicked Sensei and he flew
back
Like whoa
The school is done
Why you stressin'
Many students left with him
'Cause he was impressive
I don't know what you're
talking about
Yes you do
Maybe not
I never ever told Peter
To come up here and blow the
spot
Then why he's here
He already answered that
Then I guess it was good
that that bitch got slapped
Not Sensei Birch
You gotta leave or apologize
That's cool 'cause your school
Is about to get downsized
Gone
Why'd you say that
Now it's on
Y'all never taught me shit
We did but you quit
That school ain't all that
I am cool where I'm at
You still got a long way
Don't talk to him the wrong
way
Peter had skills
For real I'm staying right
here
Dad was the man in here
He'll crush you like a can of
beer
And you should say sorry
right now real quick
To Sensei Birch
You mean Sensei Bitch
What
- I got him, man.
I got him.
- How could you, Ed?
Out of all the people, man!
- I told you, I didn't do
anything!
- Dude, stop lying, man!
- I don't lie!
Why would I?
- Come on, Ed.
Let's get outta here.
Quit wasting time on this loser.
Yeah, and we can hit up my dad's
school.
Maybe he can give me some
pointers or two.
- Mary, this is a great dinner.
- Oh, yes.
Our little family all together
at once.
Ed, why are you playing with
your food?
Ed?
Edward!
- What?
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- So, Ed, how do you like my
school?
- It's an awesome school.
Seeing all of the students
learning over there.
And I can't thank you enough
for letting me teach
them some of my moves.
- Oh?
He's teaching there now?
- Mm-hm.
- Well, not officially, but
seeing that he is a black belt,
I figured I'd let him teach a
bit.
- I loved it.
Thanks.
I'm gonna teach them to
become great students.
- Look, they were all paying
attention, learning new moves.
Ed was teaching.
- They even tried my moves
during the sparring sessions.
And of course none of them
dared to spar with me.
- No, that's because they
all know they can't win.
- That's right.
They know you're a great
warrior,
and they know you know great
kung fu.
And that Sensei Birch, I don't
know what she's teaching,
'cause obviously none of those
students
are learning a thing.
- Personally, I thought
she learned all her kung fu
from like a cereal box.
- What's that Dave guy about?
Isn't he supposed to be Sensei
Birch's teacher or something?
- Mm-hm.
Yeah.
- You know, I don't think
he knows any martial arts,
and that's why he never fights.
- No, he does.
- How do you know?
- I've seen it, when he helped
me.
- But does he teach there?
- No, no, he just walks
around mopping the floor.
I don't know, maybe he's just
got OCD,
or maybe he's got nothing
better--
You know what?
I bet you he's bored, he's just
bored.
He's literally always cleaning.
- He probably needs to get
laid more often.
But since he cleans all the
time,
maybe he could come clean the
house.
- That's probably the only skill
he knows.
- You know, I wonder if
I should challenge him.
You know, show him who's boss.
- You know what?
You should, you should.
You know why?
'Cause dad wouldn't even
want to challenge you.
- That's right.
- No, you're great.
And again, I'm getting too old
to be fighting all this.
But you know, I don't
think you can beat Dave.
- How do you know?
- Well, I'm just guessing.
He's never challenged you.
- Or, alternatively,
maybe he just doesn't
think you're worth it.
- Not worth it?
I beat all his students!
I'm teaching at Peter's school!
How am I not worth it?
- He just thinks you're
a little fly on the wall
that he can swat away.
- Ed, be respectful at the
table.
We have guests.
- Seriously, though.
Can you beat him though?
I don't--
- I can.
He's too weak.
He doesn't practice much,
so he's no match for me.
- Ed, calm down!
- I will force him to see that
I'm great.
I will
I started training
when I was in the crib
He won't
It's always the same
Nothing but fib fib fib fib
I'm strong
And now that I am older
I found my purpose
He's wrong
He thinks he's unique
But really he is just furious
I'm right
I know that I got something
different
Something no one else has
He's right
It's called delusions of
grandeur
Friends flock to him en masse
- That's right.
Tell him off.
I've become
I've got the skills I need to
make it
He's done
Make it to who the dumpster
Those are the only skills he
has
I will
And it's there for the
reaching
I'm gonna take it
He definitely won't with
that bitch he's seeing
Just 'cause
Birch.
It's Birch.
I have
I followed all his orders
I did everything he asked for
And he did so with such ease
He hasn't
I just don't believe it
He's just passing proverbial
gas
Could you pass me the literal
salt please?
I'm strong
No I'm stronger than ever
He's stronger and more clever
He's wrong
I'm not buying any of this
Why do I put up with him
Sing it, mama.
Strength?
He doesn't know the meaning of
the word.
Yes I do
It means withstanding
great force and pressure
He's certainly puts
up with both of you
Force and pressure
You couldn't stand up to a
housefly
Yes yes that is for sure
- I won!
I won every battle with gusto
and poise.
He made something of himself
Coming up from all this noise
He lost
Which one of you is
gonna clean these boys
Not me.
I'm great
Now they're turning against me
Telling me to surrender my
will
He's late
And what about the garbage
that is
Yet to be taken out still
They're jealous of
his newfound courage
- That's it!
I've had it!
This is over!
The next time I come into this
room,
the dishes better be done, and
the garbage
better be out, or heads are
gonna roll.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, mom.
- That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
- Sifu?
Sifu.
I am worried about Ed.
- Oh.
- It's not like him.
I mean, he's neurotic and
everything,
but he would not, like,
hurt people who wants to help
him.
- His eagerness the show that
he's better.
His need want to fit in.
That's the real issue.
- What?
- He's always been a loner,
right?
No friends growing up?
And you always harassed him,
bullied him.
Then he created a barrier.
- Barrier.
- Remember when you were a
child,
wondering about the world
with curiosity, a little fear,
asking random questions,
exploring new possibilities?
And then you got older,
and people started to say,
"No, you can't do that.
"You should focus on this
instead."
And then they start to label you
as introvert, extrovert,
stubborn or weak.
And maybe they even bully you
because you can't live
up to a certain standard.
All of these bump ups make
you want to create a barrier.
We all have these barriers that
protect our authentic self.
Think of it this way.
It's like wrapping multiple
blankets around yourself
when you're a child to protect
yourself
from the monsters under the bed.
But those monsters now are
people.
At the core, you're still the
same child,
but you behave differently
because you have all these
layers
you carry around with
you to protect yourself.
So, now you're more a product
of,
you know, a reflection
of your circumstances
than your true authentic self.
- Then what should we do?
I mean, we can't let him
fall down the rabbit hole.
- No, we won't let that happen.
But I have a feeling
everything's gonna work out
soon.
- How do you know?
You psychic?
I like the new drone.
- Yeah?
This one is for speed
and racing, but this one
is more suitable and
stable to be a filmmaker.
- Yeah, he's try to be a
filmmaker to make millions.
- Nothing wrong with dreaming
big.
- What else can this thing do?
- You can race it.
There's like really cool things
where they like race through at
night.
Be careful.
- Wasting time, I see.
So, is Dave at the dojo?
- Ed, what is this?
- I'm going to challenge him.
- You know, show him who's the
boss.
- He's your teacher, man.
- He's not my teacher!
He didn't teach me shit!
But once I beat him,
everyone will know that I'm the
greatest.
- Dude, you don't have to
prove anything to anyone, man.
- He sure does!
Dave's been holding him back.
Ed, ignore them.
Let's get back to the dojo.
- You'll have to fight me then.
- Don't be silly.
You're no match for me.
- Hey Ed, why don't
you use him for warmup?
Maybe teach him a lesson or two.
- Yeah, like how he always
bullied you.
Show him how it's done now.
- Ed, I'm sorry for what I've
done.
It was messed up.
But this doesn't make it right.
- Save it!
Your whole life, you always
thought you were on top
while you looked down at the
rest of us.
- You think your still better
than me?
- No, I just ...
- All right, I guess I'm just
gonna have
to teach you a lesson.
- Get him!
Think I can't beat you?
That's ridiculous!
Woo!
I'm the best!
- Yes, you are.
- Dude, that was amazing.
I cannot believe you could do
that!
- Call Sifu.
- Yeah, go warn him.
Go ahead.
- Hey, it's me.
You gotta head over to the dojo
quick.
Ed's on his way to challenge
Dave.
You gotta warn Sensei Birch.
Hurry.
- Yeah, let 'em know that Master
Ed's
coming to beat them up!
- Let's go.
- Let's do it!
- Just like I thought.
And still pathetic.
- Sir.
You won, okay?
There's no reason to
return to humiliate us.
- But it's so much fun.
However, this time ...
it's not me.
Ed.
- Ed?
- Sensei Birch.
Nice to see you.
Hope all is well.
Anyways, where's Dave?
- He's here.
Is there something I can help
you with?
- No.
I'm here to challenge him.
- You know this is not right.
Be respectful!
- Ed, he's avoiding you,
because he knows he's better
than you.
- Junior, you're right.
He thinks he's wasting time
fighting you.
- No!
I want to fight him right now!
You hear me?
I want to fight him right now,
or I'm tearing this place apart!
- No need to fight over me.
- Ah, you're Dave.
Yeah, you can defeat him no
problem.
You got this.
- Ed, how you been?
- Sifu.
Oh, okay.
I'm just here to, uh ...
- No need to rush.
Take a deep breath.
Breathe.
I'm here.
- Ed, this is your time.
Show him who's the real boss.
He is your master
He is your weakest link.
He's nice to you
He thinks you're an ignorant
fink
He taught kung fu
And what do you remember
He took care of you
So that he can break and
exploit you
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You'll need my advice for
what's coming very soon
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
Don't listen to this buffoon
Find your path choose your
destiny and beat up this goon
- How is this exploitation?
Open your eyes and pay
attention
Yeah, but my body is fitter than
ever.
He wants to make your body
mealy
I can't believe that I am
listening
to your stupid thesis
Well don't fall for it
It's an illusion
He's here to tear you to
pieces
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You'll need my advice for
what's coming very soon
Listen to me
Nah listen to me
I'm here to tell you the plan
Find your path choose your
destiny
Just don't kick the can
He wants you to have
discipline
So that you're panic stricken
So you can have confidence
He's trying to keep you inside
a fence
So you can be a better man
So I can
I mean you can
Do you know what it means to
be a man
It means you're big and strong
No it means you're respectful
courageous and thoughtful
He's doing it so you
can't have freedom
Oh my head hurts
So you can be humble
A weaker man than you've been
Humble is not weak
Oh yes it is it's weak weak
weak
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You will need my advice
for what's coming very soon
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
Listen to me I'm your boon
Find your path choose your
destiny
And don't listen to this goon
- Ed?
Ed!
Get yourself together!
- No!
I won't fight him.
Dave's never hurt me before.
- But he won't fight you,
so he thinks he's better!
- No!
It's not because he thinks he's
better.
It's because he knows he doesn't
have to.
Sean!
I'm so sorry for what I did.
Are you okay?
- Sifu, did you guys fight
already?
- Seafood here, seafood there.
Who's cooking?
This is ridiculous!
I came to see a fight,
not a makeup love story.
- No!
We don't need to fight!
I understand now.
It only makes things worse,
Junior!
- Understand what?
That he's better than you?
That you never--
That you--
That you always had someone
around you,
so you were never alone?
That you took Sean away from me?
- What?
- Drama!
- We were good friends.
When you moved to town, you were
so weird,
and everyone hated you.
And Sean hated you so much
that he quit talking to me.
'Cause all he wanted to do was
hurt you.
- Stat!
Come on!
Come on, time is money!
Let's go!
You're impossible!
Put that away!
We don't have time for that!
Figure it out!
You have gotten slower,
if that's even possible.
- Yeah, we were like brothers,
and then you came in and
destroyed everything.
So I got depressed, and so my
dad sent me to a "hospital".
I stayed there ever since.
We were so close.
We could have beat Dave
and that Sensei Bitch.
And my dad would have married
Ed's mom,
and then he and I would
legally be brothers,
so I'd finally have a friend.
You.
And you will finally be alone,
so you'll know how it feels
Sean.
'Cause that's the plan.
You will finally understand
what it is like to be alone.
- Junior, you're weird.
All this happened years
ago, years ago, man.
Let it go, get some help, and
chill.
- He's got a lot of anger.
I think he needs a hug.
- You know what?
Enough of this sentimental crap!
This is boring.
I came here to see a show,
people.
Hey, I got an idea.
I say we beat 'em all up.
- That sounds like a good idea,
dad.
- Yeah, but we're gonna have
to leave Ed out of this.
I wouldn't know what to tell his
mommy.
- Okay.
- Let me.
I think it's time.
Welcome home, Ed.
- Man, I am so sick of
this sentimental garbage.
Hey, Junior.
Watch your pops beat
him like a volleyball.
- You got this, dad!
Not bad for a janitor.
But then again, I'm
just getting warmed up.
- See that?
- Shh!
- Dad, you okay?
- Shut up!
- Okay.
- It's just like dancing.
- It is.
- Dad?
Dad, I think that um--
- What?
That I'm not good enough?
You're still a pathetic idiot!
Don't you see I got him bouncing
around?
Like a bouncing ball!
- I think it's time for him to
leave.
- Not while I still have the
upper hand.
- Sensei!
- I can't move!
I can't move!
What kind of magic is this?
Why can't I move?
- Pressure points, my friend.
No magic.
Pressure points.
It's time for you to leave.
- Dad!
- That was so cool!
- Sifu, wow!
- Wait, can you teach us?
- How'd you do it?
How'd you do that?
- I wanna learn that.
- Now.
- Can we do that?
- Please.
- Please.
- Today?
- Where'd you learn that from?
- Ancient Chinese secret.
- What!
- Hey Sean, you get out much?
- Ed, you gotta be the moves
man.
Be the moves.
- All right, let's do this.
- Oh, what are you guys
watching?
- A movie.
Oh, thanks mom.
- OMG.
He's polite!
I don't know what you did, but I
like it.
- We're watching a movie.
- My bad.
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You will need my advice
for what's coming very soon
I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed
Don't listen to this buffoon
Pick your path choose your
destiny and beat up this goon
I'm good Ed I'm Bad Ed
I'm here to deliver the news
You will need my advice
for what's coming very soon
Listen to me
Nah listen to me
I'm here to tell you the plan
Find your path choose your
destiny
Just don't kick the can
- Then I would start with ...
this.
- That's good.
Back to one.
Cut that.
- Scene 37 H, take
one.
- You walked too far.
- I did.
- I'm here to
challenge you to a duel.
I said, I'm here to
challenge you to a du--
- Are you here to
learn?
- I don't know my lines.
Damn!
- Master, I just saw Sean a
couple--
- Everyone will know
that I'm the greatest.
- You don't have to
prove anything to anyone.
- Cut.
- Going to to a dojo so
you can kick my ass again?
- Ed, ignore them.
Let's get to the dojo to
.
God!
- I can't beat you?
That's ridiculous!
- What the just
happened?
I slipped on ice cream.
- Down.
And push.
- You know it's supposed
to be the other way, right?
- Block.
No, you're great.
Don't know my frickin'
line, but you are great.
- He's too weak.
He doesn't practice much,
and he's no match for me.
- Ed, calm down.
- I got him!
- Stay down!
- Cut.
That looked good.
Go ahead.
- Hoo, ha, hiyah.
Hoo, ha, hiyah.