Innocents in Paris (1953) Movie Script
1
[bugle sounds]
[Can-Can music]
[aeroplane roars overhead]
- Paris, miss?
- Yes.
Lost anything, miss?
- Yes, my ticket.
- [he chuckles]
- There it is.
- Oh! Thanks.
- Gave me a fright.
- Mm. Your first time going abroad?
- How did you guess?
- [he chuckles]
I've been saving up for ages.
Ah, when you've been here as long
as I have, miss, you'll get to know 'em.
[Sergeant] Clarinet.
Drum.
I wish my mother had taught me
to play the flute.
- Put it down, you fool!
- Yes, Sarge.
Ooh, my foot!
Sorry, Sergeant. Orders is orders.
Are you travelling, sir?
What the devil do you think
I've come here for?
Ah, well, here I go, facing
all the dangers of foreign travel
while you go skulking back to the local.
By golly, I wish I was
coming with you, Captain.
I'll take you with me one day, my boy,
and show you the real Paris.
- [they laugh]
- In there, in there, in there!
Sir Norman! Thanks, Sir Norman.
Just a minute. Here we go.
Could I have a smile, Sir Norman, please?
Just one little smile.
Well, I can't keep this up all day, you
know. Why don't you flash your bulb?
Thank you, Sir Norman.
[reporter]
Why are you going to Paris, Sir Norman?
For tomorrow's session of
the Preliminary Economic Conference.
Did the Prime Minister send you, Sir
Norman? Is the conference going badly?
I wouldn't say "badly".
Are the Russians being troublesome?
I wouldn't say "troublesome.
- What would you say?
- Mmm?
I'd say that the conference
is not going particularly well,
that the Russians are not being
particularly easy,
and, er... and that is all.
Are you going over for long?
- Just for the weekend.
- I see.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- British, sir?
- And proud of it!
There's been a Stilton in Shropshire
since the Norman invasion.
How much British money have you, sir?
My bank balance is my own affair.
Don't ask impertinent questions.
No, I mean, how much on you, sir?
- Well, how much I am allowed to have?
- Five pounds, sir.
Five pounds then.
Ridiculous formalities!
Head up, chest out, shoulders back!
Remember, you're playing in Paris tomorrow!
Ooh-la-la!
I'll teach you French, Bandsman Bird!
What's the French for blimey?
Have you any English money with you, sir?
Four pounds, 11 shillings and
seven pence halfpenny in cash.
In traveller's cheques,
the maximum amount permitted
under the Treasury Order in Council,
2585, 1952.
- You seem to have studied it, sir.
- Studied it?
I introduced it.
Sir Norman! I'm sorry, sir,
I didn't recognise you.
Of course, that's quite all right, sir.
Here you are.
No, one moment, please.
Leave that, will you?
Under the same Order in Council,
sub-section 4, paragraph 2,
I'm required to disclose
any personal valuables
I may be taking abroad.
You'll find a pair of silver-backed
hairbrushes in the suitcase.
Do you, er... Do you wish to see them?
- Er, no... No, sir.
- Mmm.
Oh, and, er, these.
Onyx and white gold.
Very pretty, sir.
That remark is superfluous.
I'll expect to disclose
all these to you on my return.
- Good day.
- Good day, sir.
- Did you want something, sir?
- Eh?
Och, no, it's...
It's just that, well,
window dressing's my job too and
I like studying other people's methods.
I don't suppose I should
now that I'm on holiday.
[laughs] No.
Can I have a cup of tea, please?
- Are you going to gay Paris?
- Yes.
[till rings]
- Done much flying?
- No.
I have. Perfectly safe
these days, of course.
Read about that crash yesterday?
- No.
- Ghastly!
Plane hit the top of a mountain, you know.
Still, if people don't look where they're
going, could happen anywhere, couldn't it?
I had a nasty experience once.
- We were in the air at the time...
- [woman on PA] BEA...
British European Airways announce
the departure of the Silver Wing for Paris.
That's us.
Passengers holding boarding card
number ten, please.
Always safest to sit at the back, you know.
Stilton.
MacGregor.
As soon as we're airborne, double Scotch.
Yes, sir.
- Still one more to come.
- Is there?
Wait! Please wait!
It's going without us, I know it is!
Oh, my goodness!
Oh dear, oh dear!
I very nearly didn't get here.
Oh, thank you. My cat.
Be careful of that, my dear,
it's very precious.
Oh, well, here we are at last!
I nearly forgot to leave out
the milk for my cat.
There we go. Here we are.
Will all passengers kindly
fasten their seat-belts, please?
Your seat-belt, madam.
I haven't brought one with me.
What do you...?
- Oh, I see! The other end?
- Yes, please.
Oh, yes, the other end.
[chuckles]
What an extraordinary thing.
Good gracious.
Oh! Prisoner for life.
Oh, well, never mind.
[propellers starting]
Of course, the take-off is the worst part.
[dramatic music]
Would you care for a little more, madam?
Oh, erm... Non, merci.
Thank you.
Suffisant.
Oh dear, oh dear!
I really must brush up my French.
I've never been to Paris before.
But I've been practising my conversational
phrases for the past three months,
so I don't think I need worry, do you, hmm?
Thank you so much.
Would you like some more champagne?
[both] Yes, please!
What's the matter? Aren't you hungry?
No. I left my stomach behind.
Of course, the real trouble with Paris
is it's so darn expensive.
- You think so?
- You'll find out.
Cos I know Paris well, you know.
But there are always ways and means.
For instance, there's a chap at the Britannia
Bar who'll always cash you a cheque.
Perhaps I'd better tell you that
I happen to be a government official.
Oh, well then, in that case you probably
wangled yourself all the francs you need.
[he laughs]
Good luck to you!
[woman on PA in French] British
European Airways announces the arrival
of the Silver Wing service from London.
[in fast French] You said you didn't have
any money but you do have money. How come?
Je ne compris pas.
I don't understand a word you're saying.
You don't speak conversational French.
What is the good of it?
[in French]
What is she jabbering about?
- Have you any money?
- What? Money?
Yes. Oh, well, anglais or francais?
Any money?
- Well, I've got some French francs here.
- Ah...
Five pounds in francais francs.
Oui.
- Oui. Trs bien.
- Thank you.
- Merci.
- Thank you very much.
Glad that's all over now. That's a mercy.
- Voila, madame!
- Yes, now take care. Thank you.
[she chuckles] Au revoir!
[jaunty military music]
You ain't seen nothing yet.
- I knew I hadn't lost my passport.
- [in French] Well, now it's gone.
Your bus has gone, miss.
But don't worry,
in half an hour there's another one.
Thank you.
Excuse me, mademoiselle.
Maybe I could give you a lift into Paris?
How did you know I was English?
Your... your dress.
Are you a dressmaker?
[he laughs]
No, but I am a Frenchman.
[he chuckles]
Pardon.
Three hundred accidents a day
in Paris alone.
Can you wonder when the maniacs
drive on the wrong side of the road?
[horn honking]
[brakes squealing]
[horns honking]
It's the first time you see Paris
that lives in your memory.
Oh, it's wonderful!
Yes.
And it's never the same, you know.
Just like a woman.
Do you know a lot about women?
No, I know a lot about Paris.
Oh.
Ah, Bickerstaff!
- Hello, Captain. The usual?
- Yes!
Just thought I'd pop in
for a quick one, you know.
I always like coming to the Britannia Bar.
It's the one place in Paris where you can
get a good glass of a decent British brew.
Well, that's very kind of you indeed, sir.
Thank you, Bickerstaff. Cheers!
Cheers, sir.
Have you got a good tip
for the Grand Prix tomorrow?
I'm doing Zizi.
You're doing Zizi?
So are 40 million Frenchmen
and they'll all be caught
with their pants down.
[all giggling]
[man speaking French and Hindi]
Wilkinson.
What did Mother Hubbard's dog do?
In eight letters.
Begins with "W".
[man coughs]
Er...
Oh!
Oh, but that's wonderful.
C'est trs...
Comment vous dites? I can't...
I can't express myself in French.
- Well, that's very kind of you.
- Oh, you're English?
[they chuckle]
But it's not as good
as all that, you know.
You've really caught her.
- Do you think so?
- I do.
Well, I do my best.
Have you been long here?
- Only 30 years.
- Oh, good gracious!
[she chuckles] Then you must have
painted the whole of Paris by now.
No, as a matter of fact, I've painted
very little outside this room.
Indeed?
And have you been copying
all these pictures?
No.
Only this one.
There's something between me
and the Mona Lisa.
You see, I've painted her 338 times.
Oh, no, really?
And how many of those copies
have you sold?
None.
But I'm bound to, one day.
Isn't it beautiful?
[Max] That's the Champs-lyses down there.
[Susan] Oh, how lovely.
I could stay up here forever.
You know, it gets
a little chilly in the evenings.
Down there is the Avenue Marceau.
An aunt of mine lives there.
- Look, there's the Eiffel Tower!
- Yes.
- We must climb that.
- There is a lift.
It's much more fun to climb the stairs.
Ah, yes, much more fun.
[coughs uncomfortably]
[car horns honking]
It don't cost you nothing to look.
- That's all we can afford to do, chum.
- Yeah.
[posh accent] Here you are, men.
Here's your pocket money.
Have a good time.
Gay Paris on eight and four pence!
If we pool the lot, they'll be just
about enough for a good night out.
Yeah.
Just a moment.
Just a moment.
All right, come on, come on, spit it out.
- Why don't we pool the lot?
- Yeah.
- Have a draw?
- Yeah.
And some lucky basket
will have the night of his life.
Vive la sport!
Huh!
[all laughing and chatting]
In the changed economic conditions
of the post-war world
there can be no reason whatever to doubt
that the productivity curve,
if inversely plotted
against the fluctuation
of the commodity index,
is directly proportionate to the rising
price/wage spiral.
No!
So much is plain.
No!
So much, I say, is plain.
No, no, no!
As plain as the nose on
Monsieur Panitov's face.
[delegates muttering]
Mr Chairman, I suggest we adjourn.
The meeting is adjourned.
What's the latest score?
Well, that's that.
I've enjoyed every second of it.
My head's in a whirl.
- I think we saw everything.
- Well, practically everything.
I wish I could repay you in some way.
- If you ever come to London you must...
- No, you can repay me now, mademoiselle.
How?
By spending the evening with me.
You mean, you'd really like me
to come out with you?
Go... go out?
No, no, I thought that maybe
a little supper in my flat.
I must see Paris by night.
I've heard so much about it.
Besides, I've brought a new
evening dress with me.
Well, in that case it would be a shame
not to let Paris see it.
- How long will it take you to dress?
- Quarter of an hour.
Hmm.
Well, maybe we...
we had better to say in an hour?
Right.
No, no, three, tre. Huh?
Hello!
[in Italian] Lighter!
Merci. Hello! Attention! Si, si.
And a couple of trs bons, huh?
[indistinct chatter]
[woman] Gargon, un Dubonet.
Comme ca? Non?
Yeah? Good?
Glass of vodka, please.
There's nothing to be done, Wilkinson.
If after three months, the Russians haven't
yet agreed to a single point on the agenda,
how can you think for one moment that
they're serious in wanting a full conference?
It does look discouraging, I must admit.
Oh, by the way, sir, it's time
for your vitamin pill.
- Mmm?
- Your vitamin pill, Sir Norman.
Oh, my goodness, so it is.
Er, a sip of water, please.
All the same, you know, I still have faith.
Which can move mountains,
I have no doubt but...
can it move the Kremlin?
[wheezing]
Poison!
Poison!
Quick, get a doctor!
Get a doctor!
It's all right, Sir
Norman, it's only vodka.
Only vodka?!
Don't you realise, man,
that with my stomach lining
that atom bomb you've just given me
could be as poisonous as prussic acid?
What is this about the atom bomb, please?
- Your vodka...
- I know, you appropriated it.
I am not prepared at the moment
to make issue.
What is this about the atom bomb?
It doesn't matter.
Please, allow me
to buy you another vodka.
- Another vodka, please, for Monsieur Panitov.
- Most kind.
What was that about the atom bomb?
Shut up!
Please, no, no, don't... don't shut up.
Er... Please, just have your vodka.
I must apologise. I'm not quite myself.
It's my lining, Monsieur Panitov.
If you like, I'll explain to you
my little joke about the atom bomb.
- I merely said...
- But the atom bomb is no little joke.
I must refer you to the words
of Comrade Probolotov
at the last meeting of the Supreme Soviet,
when he described it
to sterling and prolonged applause,
as a monstrous weapon of manslaughter,
as the hideous brainchild
of reactionary capitalism.
Oh, do shut up!
Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mr Panitov.
You... you must forgive me.
I'm not myself at all.
Wilkinson, get me
a couple of aspirin quickly. Oh!
I've such a very, very bad headache.
Of course, of course, Mr Panitov, I remember
that speech of Monsieur Probolotov's.
But like most of my colleagues,
I found it easier to applaud his words
then to commend his sentiments.
Monsieur Panitov, I want to ask you
a plain and simple question to which
I must beg you to give me
a plain and simple answer.
Do you or do you not want
this conference to succeed?
Mud in eye!
Monsieur Panitov, the fate of millions
may hang upon that answer.
Do you or do you not want...
What is it, Wilkinson?
- Your aspirin, Sir Norman.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Monsieur Panitov.
[wheezing]
No! No, no, no, no, no!
But, dear fellow, what is it?
You've done it again.
Don't you realise, you've done it again!
But you give me drink,
I give you drink. This is correct.
It is not correct!
Oh, my lining! My head! My head!
- It is bad, your head?
- It's terrible, terrible!
- Wilkinson, get me more aspirin, quickly!
- No!
There is one thing will cure vodka head,
only one, I know.
What?
Pink Lightning and I know the only place
in Paris where you get it.
Come, my dear fellow.
[music plays, men speaks French]
[in French] And here she is, the beautiful,
the unrivalled, the unique Princess Samira!
The glamour girl of the Orient.
The pin-up of the East.
Princess Samira will perform now for you
the Dance of the Seven Veils.
[man speaks French]
[in French] Over here, gentlemen,
please move forward.
[crowd laughing]
[screaming]
[crowd laughing]
[crowd laughing]
[laughter continues]
I help you?
Oh...
You speak English?
A little.
I was in Normandy
when the British come.
And the soldier kissed me.
I was in Normandy too.
I did not see you.
I'm sorry I didn't see you.
Well...
Sit down here.
[car horns honking]
It's beautiful.
And the dresses, weren't they wonderful?
I think yours is even more charming.
[in French] Flowers for the young lady?
[in French] Excellent idea, yes.
- Thank you.
- Merci.
They're heavenly, aren't they?
There is nothing in the world
more beautiful than an English rose.
[waiter in French]
Russian-style Loire salmon.
Vauclusian river trout.
Delight of great waterfall sole fillet.
Bresse royal poultry,
julienned apples and watercress.
"Minute" steak
and its precious potatoes.
I don't know. You choose.
It's very kind of you.
Ha! I did nothing.
I am doing it all the day.
I work for Madame Perrey.
We are not as...
a la mode...
as Dior.
But we make nice model gowns
all the same.
I can see you do.
Oh, this?
I make it myself.
A model is too expensive.
But...
You like it?
Very much.
My aunt will never believe it
when I tell her about all this.
- She didn't really want to let me come.
- I'm glad you did.
So am I.
- What are these?
- Escargots, mademoiselle.
- They look like snails to me.
- [he chuckles]
Psst! Psst!
Oh, perfect! A man in a fez!
Wait a minute.
Buy nice rug. Me no father, me no mother.
No, thank you, I don't want any carpets.
What a wonderful subject.
Perfect.
That's lovely.
You are a wonderful subject.
- Buy nice rug.
- Oh, stay where you are and stop moving about!
No bugs.
Slinky trinket.
No, thank you, I don't want any jewellery.
Pretty slippers, oh, pretty lady.
Very cheap.
I have bedroom slippers at home,
thank you.
Softy bag?
No, thank you!
I only want your face.
Mwah!
Mwah!
Thank you very much.
So very, very cheap.
- Lovely carpet.
- Oh! Unhand me, please!
- That's quite enough! Goodnight!
- Madame...
Come back. Me poor orphan.
- Oh, no! Get away!
- Me no father, me no mother.
Six wives, plenty children. Stop! Stop!
[Russian music plays]
Is this the only place you can get them?
This is the only place.
[music stops, applause]
[indistinct chatter]
No, no. No. No.
No!
Non, non. Non. Non.
Psst!
Gnral.
- Yeah?
- Pretty postcards, look.
No!
- Yes, mon ami.
- Yeah?
- 3D pictures.
- Yeah?
- Look.
- Blimey!
What will they think of next?
[guitars play traditional music]
Pink Lightnings.
Here you are.
Taste.
[woman sings in Russian]
Not, er, not unpleasant.
Rather... rather akin to raspberryade.
What are the ingredients?
You should drink quick, like that.
[diners join in song]
[woman sings in Russian]
Not, er, not unpalatable.
Not... not... not unpalatable at all.
One is not enough.
Waiter, bring four more.
Charming...
little place you have here.
Quite charming.
[woman sings in Russian]
Friendly atmosphere.
[diners join in song]
Very friendly.
Oh, well, w-what did you say
the ingred... er...
the, er, the ingred... er...
What did you say was in this drink?
Let me remember now.
- There is some Crimean beetroot juice.
- Ah! Beetroot... beetroot juice.
Oh, yes, very, er, very fortifying.
Samarkand brandy, Ukrainian gin,
Caucasian champagne.
I see. Er...
Names of various fruit juices, I suppose.
Mm.
Well now, Panitov,
let's get down to business.
Well, Sir Norman?
What is the name...
of that girl standing there?
[she sings in Russian]
[accordion plays]
Do you dance?
Well...
We try.
Oh, double top.
Not bad, eh?
Time, gentlemen, please.
Finis pour ce soir.
[in French] Well, what do you know?
What a funny time to close!
We keep English hours here, you know.
Quite right, too. Late enough for anyone.
English hours, puh!
The truth of the matter is, they should
keep proper licensing hours in France
like every other sensible country.
- Er, one for the road, eh?
- Certainly. For you, Captain.
[woman sings in French]
S Tomorrow maybe.
You'll think of me
Whatever distance
Between you and me...
[song continues]
[song ends, applause]
[Can-Can music]
[music stops]
[music restarts]
[music stops]
[indistinct chatter]
[romantic piano plays]
Ooh-la-la!
You speak French?
- Oui, oui, trs bon.
- Gargon!
- What is your name?
- Dicky Bird.
Bird?
Dicky Bird.
- Oh, bird!
- Yeah! Oui.
- Monsieur?
- Parlez, vous.
- What will you have?
- Pint of bitter pour moi.
- Bitter?
- Pig's ear.
- Pig's ear?
- Beer!
- No beer here!
- No beer here!
No. Champagne.
Make you feel good.
I don't feel so bad as it is.
L'amour toujours.
Voila!
[romantic music]
Mademoiselle, voulez-vous danser?
[accordion plays]
[singing in Russian]
Conversely...
my dear fellow,
the graph of the counter-inflationary
price index taken, er...
taken in conjunction
with the excess capacity constant...
must...
and I mean must,
be related, at least...
at least indirectly,
with the basic question of...
how many beans make five.
- Yes.
- Hmm.
Now, if that...
- You said yes.
- Yes.
Excuse me. Oh, my dear chap.
Oh, my dear chap!
- He said yes.
- Yes.
Oh, but isn't it a lovely word?
I mean, don't you like saying it?
- Yes!
- [chuckles] Yes!
Fancy your even knowing it.
Now, just a moment, I...
I don't suppose that you could
also write it, could you?
- Yes.
- You could?
Well, now, that gives me an idea.
Excuse me.
Er, now, let me see, er...
Do you want...
a full...
economic conference...
Excuse me.
...on, let me see now, er...
three... three weeks from today.
That would be, er...
May...
23rd.
Now, let me see if you can write "yes"
underneath that.
Yes.
[chuckles] Now, put your little name
underneath to prove it.
Oh, that's the boy!
Oh, now, isn't that nice?
[laughs]
Now then, let me see. Er...
Oh, dear, dear. That's very funny.
You know, I saw a fellow
do that at the Palladium once
and nothing, nothing fell at all.
Oh, look here, I want to purchase
this tablecloth.
Have it sent to me at
the Hotel Napoleon forthwith.
- Very well, sir.
- Oh, and two more Pink thingymabobs
and champagne for the lady.
Oh, and that delightful orchestra.
See that they have another
round of vodka.
Yes, sir! Yes, sir.
It seems to make them play
with so much more elan.
[laughs]
And now, let me see.
Now, as I was saying, Panitov,
the counter-inflationary tendency
of the price index is, er...
[thumping]
Oh, dear me.
Oh, tired out, no doubt.
Poor chap.
Now, shall you and I do that nice
Caucasian gallop thing again, hmm?
I find it most stimulating.
[chuckles]
[band sing in Russian]
[romantic music]
- We haven't been long, have we?
- No. No, no, no, not at all.
Max, this is Steve.
Hiya, fella.
Steve is an American.
So I see.
Yeah.
I was high jump champ at my high school.
Ah, you were.
- Wonderful.
- [he laughs]
I could jump five foot ten.
Oh.
Could you jump five foot ten?
Ah, no, no, no.
No, I didn't think you could.
[big band jazz plays]
[laughter]
Hello, mademoiselle.
Oh!
Cheer up, mon chri.
I thought you English were very cold.
Oh, you wait till we really get warmed up.
- I've never met anyone like you before.
- [she giggles]
I am just like everybody.
Not that I go with girls, mind you.
Ooh!
Voila!
This is where I live.
What's the address?
Seize rue Brandiere.
- Will you write it down?
- Yes.
Seize rue Bran...
...dire.
And where do we meet tomorrow?
Here, by the steps.
All right.
Seize rue Brandiere.
Oh, that's right!
You'll soon speak good French.
If you teach me.
Well... I must go.
Because my father will be angry.
All right.
Twelve o'clock tomorrow then?
Don't forget.
Oh, I won't.
Well...
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
[he screams]
Ya-hooo!
[dog barks]
Combien?
[in French] Five hundred francs, monsieur.
Five hundred?!
Yes, monsieur.
Look, it says five hundred.
[he makes ticking sound]
[in French]
There's an extra 20%, plus a night fee.
[in English] Understand?
Merci, monsieur.
Pardon, monsieur, le pourboire.
Eh?
Le pourboire.
[in English] The tip. The tip.
Ooh! [Chuckles]
[in French] A ten franc tip?
Ten francs? Pah! Pah!
Ah, go on!
My wallet!
[buzzer sounds]
[yawns]
[in French] What's the matter?
- I've been robbed.
- Oh!
Robbed?
My wallet. It had all my money
and my return ticket in it.
Oh, monsieur!
I've been out with a girl.
[military music]
[romantic music]
Come on, Dicky bird.
Come on.
Funny.
I feel a bit dizzy.
Do you?
Oh.
I've got just the thing at my flat.
It will put you right in no time.
- Will it?
- Yes.
[in French] Coachman, Avenue Henri Martin.
What would you like?
- Would you really like to know?
- Yes.
Well, I'd like a...
I'd like a nice cup of tea.
And don't say, "No, tea 'ere."
Oui, oui, trs bien.
I will give you... tea.
Looks as though I'm gonna have
what I want at last.
[in French] Come on now,
my little pumpkin.
[in French] Now,
goodnight, my darling.
Ssh! Sleep.
Don't get worried.
I'm a bit of a basket.
Often make a fool of myself,
but I ain't so bad really.
You just sleep.
A little more?
No.
- No, thanks. I feel fine.
- I thought you would.
Can I tell you what I think?
Yes.
- You know, there is something about you.
- [she hiccups]
Something about you
that reminds me of spring.
[she hiccups]
I've got the hiccups.
The hiccups?
Oh, I will frighten
you and then it will go.
All right.
Frighten me.
[they sing in Russian]
Oh, er, wait a minute.
What, er...?
What's this?
What's this? The French national debt?
The bill, monsieur.
- What item is that?
- The tablecloth, monsieur.
- And that?
- Breakage.
That is vodka for the band
and that is flowers for lady.
Mmm.
There seems to be a somewhat inflationary
tendency in this restaurant's budgeting.
- Now, let me see...
- No!
Yes, er...
Primitive economics no doubt.
- A mere barter, but still.
- Oh, no!
Erm... [speaks Russian]
And the tip, sir?
Thank you, milord.
Goodnight, milord.
Goodnight, milord.
I think...
I think they've gone.
[she hiccups]
Maybe you'd better come
and lie down for a minute.
[she hiccups]
[she hiccups]
I will get you some more water.
Here we are.
[groans]
[groans]
[lively music]
If you please, thank you.
[men arguing in French, car horn beeps]
[all arguing in French]
Madame.
Morning.
Did you sleep well?
Very well, thank you.
[groans]
- What you need is some fresh air.
- Oh, non! Oh, no, no.
I'll tell you what. We'll go for a swim
and you'll soon feel better.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I... I can't swim.
Pardon, monsieur.
Seize rue Brandiere?
Rue Brandiere?
[in French] Well, I think
it's in this neighbourhood.
Oh, Lucien!
Oui?
[in French] Rue Brandiere
is round the corner, isn't it?
[in French] No. I think
it's in the 14th arrondissement.
[in French] Excuse me, madame,
do you know where rue Brandiere is?
[in French] Rue Brandiere?
You mean, rue Branger?
Brandiere.
[in French] No, he's asking
about rue Brandiere.
[all arguing in French]
[indistinct chatter]
I call on the delegate
for the United Kingdom.
Mr Chairman,
I have an announcement to make.
In the course of a private pourparler
with the Soviet delegate held
at a certain rendezvous last night,
I am pleased to inform you
that Monsieur Panitov
has agreed to a full economic conference
to take place on May the 23rd.
His excellency was in fact good enough
to append his signature
to a formal... document
to that effect.
Have you the document with you, Sir Norman?
Unfortunately not, sir.
It is rather bulky, difficult to carry.
But I can assure you it is in safe keeping.
May the 23rd,
that was the date, was it not,
Monsieur Panitov?
Yes.
Don't do that, Wilkinson!
For goodness sake,
please get me an Alka-Seltzer.
[swing jazz plays]
It's wonderful!
Yes. Yes, I can see.
Oh, poor Max.
Never mind, I'll tell you what we'll do.
I'll go back to your flat and
cook you a real English lunch.
E-English lunch?
English lunch?
[gentle music]
[she gasps]
Oh!
[group of French people
chatter enthusiastically]
You here?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Don't you recognise me?
Oh, yes, I recognise you all right.
But after last night...
You remember last night, yes?
Aye, I do and I'm not likely
to forget it in a hurry either.
Well, where is it?
Where is it? What?
As if you didn't know. My wallet!
It had all my money in it
and my return ticket.
[in French] Oh! Well, I never!
You say I am a voleuse, a thief?
- [in French] Who do you think I am?
- Don't shout.
I will shout!
What do you take French girls for?
I was warned about French girls
and now I've seen them.
Seen them what?
Seen them kissing and showing their legs.
And you...
how about you showing your legs?
[in French] So, did you find
the rue Brandiere?
Yes, thank you.
Oh, oh!
[in French] A client! A client!
[all clamouring]
[tourist] No, I want the other one.
No, no.
Combien?
Twenty-five okay?
One, two, three...
- four, five, six, seven...
- [they gasp]
Eh... No, butter?
No, of course not!
You don't use butter for cooking.
Ah.
You know there is a charming little
restaurant just around the corner.
No. You'll enjoy this. You'll see.
[military band plays
"Colonel Bogey March"]
[applause]
Dicky Bird!
Dicky!
Dicky Bird, hi!
Dicky!
Captain.
[coughs] Pardon, Captain, but aren't you
going to miss the big race?
Oh, now you've spoilt it, Bickerstaff.
Just as I was coming
to the interesting bit.
Have you read the case
of the stuttering parson?
Fancy doing it that way.
It really isn't cricket, you know.
[French accent]
Cricket?
What is this "cricket"?
Do I hear you right, sir?
Cricket is the foundation
of the British Empire.
- Hear, hear!
- Thank you, Bickerstaff.
Until you learn to play cricket in France
you'll never keep a government.
Do you play it with hoops and hammers?
No, sir, you do not play it
with hoops and hammers.
You ball it with bat and ball.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Oh, butterfingers, Bickerstaff!
W h-what exactly is this?
Cabbage.
Ah, cabbage. Yes, of course.
- Would you like another chop?
- Oh, no. No, no. No, thank you.
I will.
Oh, good, you've eaten it all.
Yes. [Coughs]
You see, you were hungry.
Are you sure you wouldn't like some more?
No, no. No, no, no. No, thank you.
I've had quite enough...
cabbage.
No, no, no!
Play forward!
Always play forward, like that.
Bickerstaff, you're supposed
to be silly point not square leg.
That, by the way, was a maiden over.
Now, I shall bowl again.
Straight bat.
- How's that?
- Out!
A clear case of lbw, leg before wicket.
You're out.
Vous tes une... clot.
- Clot?
- Clot.
Yes. Now, you bowl, I'll bat.
Clot, clot?
Clot?
[glass shatters]
Gone for six!
[dog barks]
Oh, dear! Time for
the tea interval now, sir.
- Very well, Bickerstaff, very well.
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Now, I understand the cricket!
A very good idea this
tea interval, Bickerstaff.
Thank you.
Closed. It's too late.
Oh, dear, how annoying.
You see, I'm anxious to find the gentleman
who painted the Mona Lisa.
He's dead.
Dead?! But I saw him yesterday.
- You saw him yest...?
- Yes, I even spoke to him.
- You spoke to him?
- Yes.
He's been dead 500 years.
Oh, nonsense!
Why, there he is now.
Well, look.
Bon soir, mon ami.
Oh.
How do you do?
- How do you do? Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
I thought you might like
a cup of real English tea.
That would be delightful.
Thank you very much.
- Then shall we go to the Tuileries Gardens?
- Mm.
[band play
"It's a Long Way to Tipperary"]
What's happening down there?
Come and see.
More fresh air!
Why are they playing "Tipperary"?
Because they are unveiling
a statue to Lord Byron.
Why "Tipperary"?
It's an English tradition.
- Oh, I see.
- Yes.
And now to business.
Business?
Yes. Quite simple business really.
You see, I've always wanted
to posses the Mona Lisa.
Now, for the first time in my life
I can afford it.
I do hope you'll help me
to realise a lifelong ambition.
But how?
Isn't it perfectly obvious,
when an artist has a picture to sell
and there's a prospective buyer?
- You mean, you want my Mona Lisa?
- Yes.
Sad for you, isn't it?
Pictures are like children.
One grows to love them,
then they have to leave us.
Oh, but my picture is not
good enough for you.
Nonsense! It is the Mona Lisa.
[in French] Monsieur Minister.
Ladies.
Gentlemen.
Great love is silent
but perhaps we compare...
What is he saying?
Great love is silent.
Is it?
Yes.
The poet we are honouring today
made a poem for his beloved
out of this silence.
He says, out of this silence
he made a poem for his beloved.
He boldly bared his soul...
In this poem, he spoke
of her youth and freshness,
and... and charm.
He loved her from the start.
He loved her silently...
passionately.
Do you really?
Yes.
[man in French] In these poems, the poet
transcends himself to find himself...
In the name of love, I will now unveil...
In the name of love, I will now unveil...
[applause]
[band plays "La Marseillaise"]
[girl in French] Dad, look!
Here comes the gentleman!
They have found your wallet.
[he laughs]
[in French] I found it in the cab.
It was in the cab. On the floor.
- Come on, we'll have to hurry!
- Comment?
- [in French] So, what do we do now?
- Shh!
My bill.
Moi au revoir...
Tell them I've got to see my girl.
[in French] It is about a woman.
[In French] Lovers are like the sick,
it's a sacred duty to help them.
- Dicky.
- Hello!
Blimey, now I've put my foot in it!
Sorry, Sergeant.
- Pick it up, you fool!
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Mademoiselle Raymonde?
- [in French] Second, left. Wait.
- Raymonde!
- Raymonde!
[Andy] Raymonde!
[woman] Raymonde!
[boy] Raymonde!
Come down, quick!
- We might just do it.
- [in French] Anything for lovers!
- Come on!
- Where?
No time now. Tell you on the way!
[lively music]
[car horn honking]
But I said I'm sorry.
But you believed I could do it!
That is what hurt me so much.
[in French] Oh, he loves her so much!
[in French] Not at all,
he's a brute, a Scot...
a man.
[cheering]
Come on, we'll miss the plane.
[cheering drowns out speech]
[woman on PA in French]
Your attention, please.
Passengers to London,
flight DE336 British European Airways
are requested for boarding.
Well, Susan.
Well, Max.
This is where we say goodbye,
I suppose.
I like au revoir better.
Well then, au revoir.
It's been so wonderful.
I'll never forget it, never.
Never? It's a long time.
Oh, hurry up! Faster! Faster!
Vite! Vite!
[they argue in French]
[she screams, tyres screech]
[in French]
Watch out for the truck, you, idiot!
- [in French] Where has he gone?
- [in French] I don't know.
For me?
Yes.
Well...
Goodbye.
- [in French] Come on, kiss her!
- [in French] Come on!
[in French] Love is beautiful.
Hurry, please, for the London plane.
- You will write to me, won't you?
- Yes, and you write to me too.
- Of course.
- Please, monsieur, you'll miss that plane.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Money.
- Oh, pardon.
- Money.
- Combien?
[in French]
Twelve thousand francs.
- Twelve thousand?!
- Twelve thousand francs.
- You're insane.
- No, I'm not, I waited for him the whole day.
[in French] Me, wait for you.
Me, wait. Taxi... [clicking noise]
[honking horns drown his speech]
- He says he waits for you all day.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Next time, you'll come to Glasgow.
Glasgow will be more beautiful than Paris.
And cheaper.
Goodbye!
Andy!
Andy!
[aeroplane engines roar]
[woman announcer on PA]
BEA British European Airways
announce the arrival of
flight number 338 from Paris.
[reporters clamouring]
Big smile, please, Sir Norman.
How did you do it, Sir Norman?
By personal contact.
Always, I find, the best method.
- You look tired, Sir Norman.
- Yes, it's, er...
It's taken a lot out of me.
A lot.
It put a great deal into me too, of course.
I mean, new heart.
Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen,
I have rather a...
Just one thing, Sir Norman.
There's a rumour that you're considering
lowering the basic traveller's allowance
still further, is that true?
If I'm considering anything at all, sir,
it is certainly not that!
- Thank you.
- Good day.
Have a good time, sir?
My good fellow, there's no place like Paris
if you know where to go.
- Have you read this?
- No.
Well, how very interesting.
- Do you understand it?
- No.
- Have you anything to declare?
- Yes.
What's this?
She's the Mona Lisa.
- Where did you get it?
- In the Louvre Museum.
Excuse me a moment, will you?
Oh!
Is he an art lover?
Have you anything to declare?
Have you anything to declare?
L'amour toujours.
It's quite all right, madam.
The article is not liable for duty.
- Why not?
- Well, madam, it's a fake.
A fake? My Mona Lisa?
- Have you seen the original?
- No, madam.
Oh!
Well then, between ourselves,
this is far better than the original.
Far, far better, and the work
of such a charming man.
Thank you very much
for your services.
Ah, Sir Norman.
Good afternoon, sir.
Good afternoon.
May I ask you to disclose
your cigarette case,
your lighter, your watch
and your cufflinks, please, sir?
Well done.
Well done, young man.
That's the spirit.
And you'll also find my
silver-backed hairbrushes in the, er...
in the suitcase.
- Yes, sir, but your...
- Well done, well done.
Keep it up.
Keep it up.
Nice weekend, miss?
[sentimental music]
[bugle sounds]
[Can-Can music]
[aeroplane roars overhead]
- Paris, miss?
- Yes.
Lost anything, miss?
- Yes, my ticket.
- [he chuckles]
- There it is.
- Oh! Thanks.
- Gave me a fright.
- Mm. Your first time going abroad?
- How did you guess?
- [he chuckles]
I've been saving up for ages.
Ah, when you've been here as long
as I have, miss, you'll get to know 'em.
[Sergeant] Clarinet.
Drum.
I wish my mother had taught me
to play the flute.
- Put it down, you fool!
- Yes, Sarge.
Ooh, my foot!
Sorry, Sergeant. Orders is orders.
Are you travelling, sir?
What the devil do you think
I've come here for?
Ah, well, here I go, facing
all the dangers of foreign travel
while you go skulking back to the local.
By golly, I wish I was
coming with you, Captain.
I'll take you with me one day, my boy,
and show you the real Paris.
- [they laugh]
- In there, in there, in there!
Sir Norman! Thanks, Sir Norman.
Just a minute. Here we go.
Could I have a smile, Sir Norman, please?
Just one little smile.
Well, I can't keep this up all day, you
know. Why don't you flash your bulb?
Thank you, Sir Norman.
[reporter]
Why are you going to Paris, Sir Norman?
For tomorrow's session of
the Preliminary Economic Conference.
Did the Prime Minister send you, Sir
Norman? Is the conference going badly?
I wouldn't say "badly".
Are the Russians being troublesome?
I wouldn't say "troublesome.
- What would you say?
- Mmm?
I'd say that the conference
is not going particularly well,
that the Russians are not being
particularly easy,
and, er... and that is all.
Are you going over for long?
- Just for the weekend.
- I see.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- British, sir?
- And proud of it!
There's been a Stilton in Shropshire
since the Norman invasion.
How much British money have you, sir?
My bank balance is my own affair.
Don't ask impertinent questions.
No, I mean, how much on you, sir?
- Well, how much I am allowed to have?
- Five pounds, sir.
Five pounds then.
Ridiculous formalities!
Head up, chest out, shoulders back!
Remember, you're playing in Paris tomorrow!
Ooh-la-la!
I'll teach you French, Bandsman Bird!
What's the French for blimey?
Have you any English money with you, sir?
Four pounds, 11 shillings and
seven pence halfpenny in cash.
In traveller's cheques,
the maximum amount permitted
under the Treasury Order in Council,
2585, 1952.
- You seem to have studied it, sir.
- Studied it?
I introduced it.
Sir Norman! I'm sorry, sir,
I didn't recognise you.
Of course, that's quite all right, sir.
Here you are.
No, one moment, please.
Leave that, will you?
Under the same Order in Council,
sub-section 4, paragraph 2,
I'm required to disclose
any personal valuables
I may be taking abroad.
You'll find a pair of silver-backed
hairbrushes in the suitcase.
Do you, er... Do you wish to see them?
- Er, no... No, sir.
- Mmm.
Oh, and, er, these.
Onyx and white gold.
Very pretty, sir.
That remark is superfluous.
I'll expect to disclose
all these to you on my return.
- Good day.
- Good day, sir.
- Did you want something, sir?
- Eh?
Och, no, it's...
It's just that, well,
window dressing's my job too and
I like studying other people's methods.
I don't suppose I should
now that I'm on holiday.
[laughs] No.
Can I have a cup of tea, please?
- Are you going to gay Paris?
- Yes.
[till rings]
- Done much flying?
- No.
I have. Perfectly safe
these days, of course.
Read about that crash yesterday?
- No.
- Ghastly!
Plane hit the top of a mountain, you know.
Still, if people don't look where they're
going, could happen anywhere, couldn't it?
I had a nasty experience once.
- We were in the air at the time...
- [woman on PA] BEA...
British European Airways announce
the departure of the Silver Wing for Paris.
That's us.
Passengers holding boarding card
number ten, please.
Always safest to sit at the back, you know.
Stilton.
MacGregor.
As soon as we're airborne, double Scotch.
Yes, sir.
- Still one more to come.
- Is there?
Wait! Please wait!
It's going without us, I know it is!
Oh, my goodness!
Oh dear, oh dear!
I very nearly didn't get here.
Oh, thank you. My cat.
Be careful of that, my dear,
it's very precious.
Oh, well, here we are at last!
I nearly forgot to leave out
the milk for my cat.
There we go. Here we are.
Will all passengers kindly
fasten their seat-belts, please?
Your seat-belt, madam.
I haven't brought one with me.
What do you...?
- Oh, I see! The other end?
- Yes, please.
Oh, yes, the other end.
[chuckles]
What an extraordinary thing.
Good gracious.
Oh! Prisoner for life.
Oh, well, never mind.
[propellers starting]
Of course, the take-off is the worst part.
[dramatic music]
Would you care for a little more, madam?
Oh, erm... Non, merci.
Thank you.
Suffisant.
Oh dear, oh dear!
I really must brush up my French.
I've never been to Paris before.
But I've been practising my conversational
phrases for the past three months,
so I don't think I need worry, do you, hmm?
Thank you so much.
Would you like some more champagne?
[both] Yes, please!
What's the matter? Aren't you hungry?
No. I left my stomach behind.
Of course, the real trouble with Paris
is it's so darn expensive.
- You think so?
- You'll find out.
Cos I know Paris well, you know.
But there are always ways and means.
For instance, there's a chap at the Britannia
Bar who'll always cash you a cheque.
Perhaps I'd better tell you that
I happen to be a government official.
Oh, well then, in that case you probably
wangled yourself all the francs you need.
[he laughs]
Good luck to you!
[woman on PA in French] British
European Airways announces the arrival
of the Silver Wing service from London.
[in fast French] You said you didn't have
any money but you do have money. How come?
Je ne compris pas.
I don't understand a word you're saying.
You don't speak conversational French.
What is the good of it?
[in French]
What is she jabbering about?
- Have you any money?
- What? Money?
Yes. Oh, well, anglais or francais?
Any money?
- Well, I've got some French francs here.
- Ah...
Five pounds in francais francs.
Oui.
- Oui. Trs bien.
- Thank you.
- Merci.
- Thank you very much.
Glad that's all over now. That's a mercy.
- Voila, madame!
- Yes, now take care. Thank you.
[she chuckles] Au revoir!
[jaunty military music]
You ain't seen nothing yet.
- I knew I hadn't lost my passport.
- [in French] Well, now it's gone.
Your bus has gone, miss.
But don't worry,
in half an hour there's another one.
Thank you.
Excuse me, mademoiselle.
Maybe I could give you a lift into Paris?
How did you know I was English?
Your... your dress.
Are you a dressmaker?
[he laughs]
No, but I am a Frenchman.
[he chuckles]
Pardon.
Three hundred accidents a day
in Paris alone.
Can you wonder when the maniacs
drive on the wrong side of the road?
[horn honking]
[brakes squealing]
[horns honking]
It's the first time you see Paris
that lives in your memory.
Oh, it's wonderful!
Yes.
And it's never the same, you know.
Just like a woman.
Do you know a lot about women?
No, I know a lot about Paris.
Oh.
Ah, Bickerstaff!
- Hello, Captain. The usual?
- Yes!
Just thought I'd pop in
for a quick one, you know.
I always like coming to the Britannia Bar.
It's the one place in Paris where you can
get a good glass of a decent British brew.
Well, that's very kind of you indeed, sir.
Thank you, Bickerstaff. Cheers!
Cheers, sir.
Have you got a good tip
for the Grand Prix tomorrow?
I'm doing Zizi.
You're doing Zizi?
So are 40 million Frenchmen
and they'll all be caught
with their pants down.
[all giggling]
[man speaking French and Hindi]
Wilkinson.
What did Mother Hubbard's dog do?
In eight letters.
Begins with "W".
[man coughs]
Er...
Oh!
Oh, but that's wonderful.
C'est trs...
Comment vous dites? I can't...
I can't express myself in French.
- Well, that's very kind of you.
- Oh, you're English?
[they chuckle]
But it's not as good
as all that, you know.
You've really caught her.
- Do you think so?
- I do.
Well, I do my best.
Have you been long here?
- Only 30 years.
- Oh, good gracious!
[she chuckles] Then you must have
painted the whole of Paris by now.
No, as a matter of fact, I've painted
very little outside this room.
Indeed?
And have you been copying
all these pictures?
No.
Only this one.
There's something between me
and the Mona Lisa.
You see, I've painted her 338 times.
Oh, no, really?
And how many of those copies
have you sold?
None.
But I'm bound to, one day.
Isn't it beautiful?
[Max] That's the Champs-lyses down there.
[Susan] Oh, how lovely.
I could stay up here forever.
You know, it gets
a little chilly in the evenings.
Down there is the Avenue Marceau.
An aunt of mine lives there.
- Look, there's the Eiffel Tower!
- Yes.
- We must climb that.
- There is a lift.
It's much more fun to climb the stairs.
Ah, yes, much more fun.
[coughs uncomfortably]
[car horns honking]
It don't cost you nothing to look.
- That's all we can afford to do, chum.
- Yeah.
[posh accent] Here you are, men.
Here's your pocket money.
Have a good time.
Gay Paris on eight and four pence!
If we pool the lot, they'll be just
about enough for a good night out.
Yeah.
Just a moment.
Just a moment.
All right, come on, come on, spit it out.
- Why don't we pool the lot?
- Yeah.
- Have a draw?
- Yeah.
And some lucky basket
will have the night of his life.
Vive la sport!
Huh!
[all laughing and chatting]
In the changed economic conditions
of the post-war world
there can be no reason whatever to doubt
that the productivity curve,
if inversely plotted
against the fluctuation
of the commodity index,
is directly proportionate to the rising
price/wage spiral.
No!
So much is plain.
No!
So much, I say, is plain.
No, no, no!
As plain as the nose on
Monsieur Panitov's face.
[delegates muttering]
Mr Chairman, I suggest we adjourn.
The meeting is adjourned.
What's the latest score?
Well, that's that.
I've enjoyed every second of it.
My head's in a whirl.
- I think we saw everything.
- Well, practically everything.
I wish I could repay you in some way.
- If you ever come to London you must...
- No, you can repay me now, mademoiselle.
How?
By spending the evening with me.
You mean, you'd really like me
to come out with you?
Go... go out?
No, no, I thought that maybe
a little supper in my flat.
I must see Paris by night.
I've heard so much about it.
Besides, I've brought a new
evening dress with me.
Well, in that case it would be a shame
not to let Paris see it.
- How long will it take you to dress?
- Quarter of an hour.
Hmm.
Well, maybe we...
we had better to say in an hour?
Right.
No, no, three, tre. Huh?
Hello!
[in Italian] Lighter!
Merci. Hello! Attention! Si, si.
And a couple of trs bons, huh?
[indistinct chatter]
[woman] Gargon, un Dubonet.
Comme ca? Non?
Yeah? Good?
Glass of vodka, please.
There's nothing to be done, Wilkinson.
If after three months, the Russians haven't
yet agreed to a single point on the agenda,
how can you think for one moment that
they're serious in wanting a full conference?
It does look discouraging, I must admit.
Oh, by the way, sir, it's time
for your vitamin pill.
- Mmm?
- Your vitamin pill, Sir Norman.
Oh, my goodness, so it is.
Er, a sip of water, please.
All the same, you know, I still have faith.
Which can move mountains,
I have no doubt but...
can it move the Kremlin?
[wheezing]
Poison!
Poison!
Quick, get a doctor!
Get a doctor!
It's all right, Sir
Norman, it's only vodka.
Only vodka?!
Don't you realise, man,
that with my stomach lining
that atom bomb you've just given me
could be as poisonous as prussic acid?
What is this about the atom bomb, please?
- Your vodka...
- I know, you appropriated it.
I am not prepared at the moment
to make issue.
What is this about the atom bomb?
It doesn't matter.
Please, allow me
to buy you another vodka.
- Another vodka, please, for Monsieur Panitov.
- Most kind.
What was that about the atom bomb?
Shut up!
Please, no, no, don't... don't shut up.
Er... Please, just have your vodka.
I must apologise. I'm not quite myself.
It's my lining, Monsieur Panitov.
If you like, I'll explain to you
my little joke about the atom bomb.
- I merely said...
- But the atom bomb is no little joke.
I must refer you to the words
of Comrade Probolotov
at the last meeting of the Supreme Soviet,
when he described it
to sterling and prolonged applause,
as a monstrous weapon of manslaughter,
as the hideous brainchild
of reactionary capitalism.
Oh, do shut up!
Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mr Panitov.
You... you must forgive me.
I'm not myself at all.
Wilkinson, get me
a couple of aspirin quickly. Oh!
I've such a very, very bad headache.
Of course, of course, Mr Panitov, I remember
that speech of Monsieur Probolotov's.
But like most of my colleagues,
I found it easier to applaud his words
then to commend his sentiments.
Monsieur Panitov, I want to ask you
a plain and simple question to which
I must beg you to give me
a plain and simple answer.
Do you or do you not want
this conference to succeed?
Mud in eye!
Monsieur Panitov, the fate of millions
may hang upon that answer.
Do you or do you not want...
What is it, Wilkinson?
- Your aspirin, Sir Norman.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Monsieur Panitov.
[wheezing]
No! No, no, no, no, no!
But, dear fellow, what is it?
You've done it again.
Don't you realise, you've done it again!
But you give me drink,
I give you drink. This is correct.
It is not correct!
Oh, my lining! My head! My head!
- It is bad, your head?
- It's terrible, terrible!
- Wilkinson, get me more aspirin, quickly!
- No!
There is one thing will cure vodka head,
only one, I know.
What?
Pink Lightning and I know the only place
in Paris where you get it.
Come, my dear fellow.
[music plays, men speaks French]
[in French] And here she is, the beautiful,
the unrivalled, the unique Princess Samira!
The glamour girl of the Orient.
The pin-up of the East.
Princess Samira will perform now for you
the Dance of the Seven Veils.
[man speaks French]
[in French] Over here, gentlemen,
please move forward.
[crowd laughing]
[screaming]
[crowd laughing]
[crowd laughing]
[laughter continues]
I help you?
Oh...
You speak English?
A little.
I was in Normandy
when the British come.
And the soldier kissed me.
I was in Normandy too.
I did not see you.
I'm sorry I didn't see you.
Well...
Sit down here.
[car horns honking]
It's beautiful.
And the dresses, weren't they wonderful?
I think yours is even more charming.
[in French] Flowers for the young lady?
[in French] Excellent idea, yes.
- Thank you.
- Merci.
They're heavenly, aren't they?
There is nothing in the world
more beautiful than an English rose.
[waiter in French]
Russian-style Loire salmon.
Vauclusian river trout.
Delight of great waterfall sole fillet.
Bresse royal poultry,
julienned apples and watercress.
"Minute" steak
and its precious potatoes.
I don't know. You choose.
It's very kind of you.
Ha! I did nothing.
I am doing it all the day.
I work for Madame Perrey.
We are not as...
a la mode...
as Dior.
But we make nice model gowns
all the same.
I can see you do.
Oh, this?
I make it myself.
A model is too expensive.
But...
You like it?
Very much.
My aunt will never believe it
when I tell her about all this.
- She didn't really want to let me come.
- I'm glad you did.
So am I.
- What are these?
- Escargots, mademoiselle.
- They look like snails to me.
- [he chuckles]
Psst! Psst!
Oh, perfect! A man in a fez!
Wait a minute.
Buy nice rug. Me no father, me no mother.
No, thank you, I don't want any carpets.
What a wonderful subject.
Perfect.
That's lovely.
You are a wonderful subject.
- Buy nice rug.
- Oh, stay where you are and stop moving about!
No bugs.
Slinky trinket.
No, thank you, I don't want any jewellery.
Pretty slippers, oh, pretty lady.
Very cheap.
I have bedroom slippers at home,
thank you.
Softy bag?
No, thank you!
I only want your face.
Mwah!
Mwah!
Thank you very much.
So very, very cheap.
- Lovely carpet.
- Oh! Unhand me, please!
- That's quite enough! Goodnight!
- Madame...
Come back. Me poor orphan.
- Oh, no! Get away!
- Me no father, me no mother.
Six wives, plenty children. Stop! Stop!
[Russian music plays]
Is this the only place you can get them?
This is the only place.
[music stops, applause]
[indistinct chatter]
No, no. No. No.
No!
Non, non. Non. Non.
Psst!
Gnral.
- Yeah?
- Pretty postcards, look.
No!
- Yes, mon ami.
- Yeah?
- 3D pictures.
- Yeah?
- Look.
- Blimey!
What will they think of next?
[guitars play traditional music]
Pink Lightnings.
Here you are.
Taste.
[woman sings in Russian]
Not, er, not unpleasant.
Rather... rather akin to raspberryade.
What are the ingredients?
You should drink quick, like that.
[diners join in song]
[woman sings in Russian]
Not, er, not unpalatable.
Not... not... not unpalatable at all.
One is not enough.
Waiter, bring four more.
Charming...
little place you have here.
Quite charming.
[woman sings in Russian]
Friendly atmosphere.
[diners join in song]
Very friendly.
Oh, well, w-what did you say
the ingred... er...
the, er, the ingred... er...
What did you say was in this drink?
Let me remember now.
- There is some Crimean beetroot juice.
- Ah! Beetroot... beetroot juice.
Oh, yes, very, er, very fortifying.
Samarkand brandy, Ukrainian gin,
Caucasian champagne.
I see. Er...
Names of various fruit juices, I suppose.
Mm.
Well now, Panitov,
let's get down to business.
Well, Sir Norman?
What is the name...
of that girl standing there?
[she sings in Russian]
[accordion plays]
Do you dance?
Well...
We try.
Oh, double top.
Not bad, eh?
Time, gentlemen, please.
Finis pour ce soir.
[in French] Well, what do you know?
What a funny time to close!
We keep English hours here, you know.
Quite right, too. Late enough for anyone.
English hours, puh!
The truth of the matter is, they should
keep proper licensing hours in France
like every other sensible country.
- Er, one for the road, eh?
- Certainly. For you, Captain.
[woman sings in French]
S Tomorrow maybe.
You'll think of me
Whatever distance
Between you and me...
[song continues]
[song ends, applause]
[Can-Can music]
[music stops]
[music restarts]
[music stops]
[indistinct chatter]
[romantic piano plays]
Ooh-la-la!
You speak French?
- Oui, oui, trs bon.
- Gargon!
- What is your name?
- Dicky Bird.
Bird?
Dicky Bird.
- Oh, bird!
- Yeah! Oui.
- Monsieur?
- Parlez, vous.
- What will you have?
- Pint of bitter pour moi.
- Bitter?
- Pig's ear.
- Pig's ear?
- Beer!
- No beer here!
- No beer here!
No. Champagne.
Make you feel good.
I don't feel so bad as it is.
L'amour toujours.
Voila!
[romantic music]
Mademoiselle, voulez-vous danser?
[accordion plays]
[singing in Russian]
Conversely...
my dear fellow,
the graph of the counter-inflationary
price index taken, er...
taken in conjunction
with the excess capacity constant...
must...
and I mean must,
be related, at least...
at least indirectly,
with the basic question of...
how many beans make five.
- Yes.
- Hmm.
Now, if that...
- You said yes.
- Yes.
Excuse me. Oh, my dear chap.
Oh, my dear chap!
- He said yes.
- Yes.
Oh, but isn't it a lovely word?
I mean, don't you like saying it?
- Yes!
- [chuckles] Yes!
Fancy your even knowing it.
Now, just a moment, I...
I don't suppose that you could
also write it, could you?
- Yes.
- You could?
Well, now, that gives me an idea.
Excuse me.
Er, now, let me see, er...
Do you want...
a full...
economic conference...
Excuse me.
...on, let me see now, er...
three... three weeks from today.
That would be, er...
May...
23rd.
Now, let me see if you can write "yes"
underneath that.
Yes.
[chuckles] Now, put your little name
underneath to prove it.
Oh, that's the boy!
Oh, now, isn't that nice?
[laughs]
Now then, let me see. Er...
Oh, dear, dear. That's very funny.
You know, I saw a fellow
do that at the Palladium once
and nothing, nothing fell at all.
Oh, look here, I want to purchase
this tablecloth.
Have it sent to me at
the Hotel Napoleon forthwith.
- Very well, sir.
- Oh, and two more Pink thingymabobs
and champagne for the lady.
Oh, and that delightful orchestra.
See that they have another
round of vodka.
Yes, sir! Yes, sir.
It seems to make them play
with so much more elan.
[laughs]
And now, let me see.
Now, as I was saying, Panitov,
the counter-inflationary tendency
of the price index is, er...
[thumping]
Oh, dear me.
Oh, tired out, no doubt.
Poor chap.
Now, shall you and I do that nice
Caucasian gallop thing again, hmm?
I find it most stimulating.
[chuckles]
[band sing in Russian]
[romantic music]
- We haven't been long, have we?
- No. No, no, no, not at all.
Max, this is Steve.
Hiya, fella.
Steve is an American.
So I see.
Yeah.
I was high jump champ at my high school.
Ah, you were.
- Wonderful.
- [he laughs]
I could jump five foot ten.
Oh.
Could you jump five foot ten?
Ah, no, no, no.
No, I didn't think you could.
[big band jazz plays]
[laughter]
Hello, mademoiselle.
Oh!
Cheer up, mon chri.
I thought you English were very cold.
Oh, you wait till we really get warmed up.
- I've never met anyone like you before.
- [she giggles]
I am just like everybody.
Not that I go with girls, mind you.
Ooh!
Voila!
This is where I live.
What's the address?
Seize rue Brandiere.
- Will you write it down?
- Yes.
Seize rue Bran...
...dire.
And where do we meet tomorrow?
Here, by the steps.
All right.
Seize rue Brandiere.
Oh, that's right!
You'll soon speak good French.
If you teach me.
Well... I must go.
Because my father will be angry.
All right.
Twelve o'clock tomorrow then?
Don't forget.
Oh, I won't.
Well...
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
[he screams]
Ya-hooo!
[dog barks]
Combien?
[in French] Five hundred francs, monsieur.
Five hundred?!
Yes, monsieur.
Look, it says five hundred.
[he makes ticking sound]
[in French]
There's an extra 20%, plus a night fee.
[in English] Understand?
Merci, monsieur.
Pardon, monsieur, le pourboire.
Eh?
Le pourboire.
[in English] The tip. The tip.
Ooh! [Chuckles]
[in French] A ten franc tip?
Ten francs? Pah! Pah!
Ah, go on!
My wallet!
[buzzer sounds]
[yawns]
[in French] What's the matter?
- I've been robbed.
- Oh!
Robbed?
My wallet. It had all my money
and my return ticket in it.
Oh, monsieur!
I've been out with a girl.
[military music]
[romantic music]
Come on, Dicky bird.
Come on.
Funny.
I feel a bit dizzy.
Do you?
Oh.
I've got just the thing at my flat.
It will put you right in no time.
- Will it?
- Yes.
[in French] Coachman, Avenue Henri Martin.
What would you like?
- Would you really like to know?
- Yes.
Well, I'd like a...
I'd like a nice cup of tea.
And don't say, "No, tea 'ere."
Oui, oui, trs bien.
I will give you... tea.
Looks as though I'm gonna have
what I want at last.
[in French] Come on now,
my little pumpkin.
[in French] Now,
goodnight, my darling.
Ssh! Sleep.
Don't get worried.
I'm a bit of a basket.
Often make a fool of myself,
but I ain't so bad really.
You just sleep.
A little more?
No.
- No, thanks. I feel fine.
- I thought you would.
Can I tell you what I think?
Yes.
- You know, there is something about you.
- [she hiccups]
Something about you
that reminds me of spring.
[she hiccups]
I've got the hiccups.
The hiccups?
Oh, I will frighten
you and then it will go.
All right.
Frighten me.
[they sing in Russian]
Oh, er, wait a minute.
What, er...?
What's this?
What's this? The French national debt?
The bill, monsieur.
- What item is that?
- The tablecloth, monsieur.
- And that?
- Breakage.
That is vodka for the band
and that is flowers for lady.
Mmm.
There seems to be a somewhat inflationary
tendency in this restaurant's budgeting.
- Now, let me see...
- No!
Yes, er...
Primitive economics no doubt.
- A mere barter, but still.
- Oh, no!
Erm... [speaks Russian]
And the tip, sir?
Thank you, milord.
Goodnight, milord.
Goodnight, milord.
I think...
I think they've gone.
[she hiccups]
Maybe you'd better come
and lie down for a minute.
[she hiccups]
[she hiccups]
I will get you some more water.
Here we are.
[groans]
[groans]
[lively music]
If you please, thank you.
[men arguing in French, car horn beeps]
[all arguing in French]
Madame.
Morning.
Did you sleep well?
Very well, thank you.
[groans]
- What you need is some fresh air.
- Oh, non! Oh, no, no.
I'll tell you what. We'll go for a swim
and you'll soon feel better.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I... I can't swim.
Pardon, monsieur.
Seize rue Brandiere?
Rue Brandiere?
[in French] Well, I think
it's in this neighbourhood.
Oh, Lucien!
Oui?
[in French] Rue Brandiere
is round the corner, isn't it?
[in French] No. I think
it's in the 14th arrondissement.
[in French] Excuse me, madame,
do you know where rue Brandiere is?
[in French] Rue Brandiere?
You mean, rue Branger?
Brandiere.
[in French] No, he's asking
about rue Brandiere.
[all arguing in French]
[indistinct chatter]
I call on the delegate
for the United Kingdom.
Mr Chairman,
I have an announcement to make.
In the course of a private pourparler
with the Soviet delegate held
at a certain rendezvous last night,
I am pleased to inform you
that Monsieur Panitov
has agreed to a full economic conference
to take place on May the 23rd.
His excellency was in fact good enough
to append his signature
to a formal... document
to that effect.
Have you the document with you, Sir Norman?
Unfortunately not, sir.
It is rather bulky, difficult to carry.
But I can assure you it is in safe keeping.
May the 23rd,
that was the date, was it not,
Monsieur Panitov?
Yes.
Don't do that, Wilkinson!
For goodness sake,
please get me an Alka-Seltzer.
[swing jazz plays]
It's wonderful!
Yes. Yes, I can see.
Oh, poor Max.
Never mind, I'll tell you what we'll do.
I'll go back to your flat and
cook you a real English lunch.
E-English lunch?
English lunch?
[gentle music]
[she gasps]
Oh!
[group of French people
chatter enthusiastically]
You here?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Don't you recognise me?
Oh, yes, I recognise you all right.
But after last night...
You remember last night, yes?
Aye, I do and I'm not likely
to forget it in a hurry either.
Well, where is it?
Where is it? What?
As if you didn't know. My wallet!
It had all my money in it
and my return ticket.
[in French] Oh! Well, I never!
You say I am a voleuse, a thief?
- [in French] Who do you think I am?
- Don't shout.
I will shout!
What do you take French girls for?
I was warned about French girls
and now I've seen them.
Seen them what?
Seen them kissing and showing their legs.
And you...
how about you showing your legs?
[in French] So, did you find
the rue Brandiere?
Yes, thank you.
Oh, oh!
[in French] A client! A client!
[all clamouring]
[tourist] No, I want the other one.
No, no.
Combien?
Twenty-five okay?
One, two, three...
- four, five, six, seven...
- [they gasp]
Eh... No, butter?
No, of course not!
You don't use butter for cooking.
Ah.
You know there is a charming little
restaurant just around the corner.
No. You'll enjoy this. You'll see.
[military band plays
"Colonel Bogey March"]
[applause]
Dicky Bird!
Dicky!
Dicky Bird, hi!
Dicky!
Captain.
[coughs] Pardon, Captain, but aren't you
going to miss the big race?
Oh, now you've spoilt it, Bickerstaff.
Just as I was coming
to the interesting bit.
Have you read the case
of the stuttering parson?
Fancy doing it that way.
It really isn't cricket, you know.
[French accent]
Cricket?
What is this "cricket"?
Do I hear you right, sir?
Cricket is the foundation
of the British Empire.
- Hear, hear!
- Thank you, Bickerstaff.
Until you learn to play cricket in France
you'll never keep a government.
Do you play it with hoops and hammers?
No, sir, you do not play it
with hoops and hammers.
You ball it with bat and ball.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Oh, butterfingers, Bickerstaff!
W h-what exactly is this?
Cabbage.
Ah, cabbage. Yes, of course.
- Would you like another chop?
- Oh, no. No, no. No, thank you.
I will.
Oh, good, you've eaten it all.
Yes. [Coughs]
You see, you were hungry.
Are you sure you wouldn't like some more?
No, no. No, no, no. No, thank you.
I've had quite enough...
cabbage.
No, no, no!
Play forward!
Always play forward, like that.
Bickerstaff, you're supposed
to be silly point not square leg.
That, by the way, was a maiden over.
Now, I shall bowl again.
Straight bat.
- How's that?
- Out!
A clear case of lbw, leg before wicket.
You're out.
Vous tes une... clot.
- Clot?
- Clot.
Yes. Now, you bowl, I'll bat.
Clot, clot?
Clot?
[glass shatters]
Gone for six!
[dog barks]
Oh, dear! Time for
the tea interval now, sir.
- Very well, Bickerstaff, very well.
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Now, I understand the cricket!
A very good idea this
tea interval, Bickerstaff.
Thank you.
Closed. It's too late.
Oh, dear, how annoying.
You see, I'm anxious to find the gentleman
who painted the Mona Lisa.
He's dead.
Dead?! But I saw him yesterday.
- You saw him yest...?
- Yes, I even spoke to him.
- You spoke to him?
- Yes.
He's been dead 500 years.
Oh, nonsense!
Why, there he is now.
Well, look.
Bon soir, mon ami.
Oh.
How do you do?
- How do you do? Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
I thought you might like
a cup of real English tea.
That would be delightful.
Thank you very much.
- Then shall we go to the Tuileries Gardens?
- Mm.
[band play
"It's a Long Way to Tipperary"]
What's happening down there?
Come and see.
More fresh air!
Why are they playing "Tipperary"?
Because they are unveiling
a statue to Lord Byron.
Why "Tipperary"?
It's an English tradition.
- Oh, I see.
- Yes.
And now to business.
Business?
Yes. Quite simple business really.
You see, I've always wanted
to posses the Mona Lisa.
Now, for the first time in my life
I can afford it.
I do hope you'll help me
to realise a lifelong ambition.
But how?
Isn't it perfectly obvious,
when an artist has a picture to sell
and there's a prospective buyer?
- You mean, you want my Mona Lisa?
- Yes.
Sad for you, isn't it?
Pictures are like children.
One grows to love them,
then they have to leave us.
Oh, but my picture is not
good enough for you.
Nonsense! It is the Mona Lisa.
[in French] Monsieur Minister.
Ladies.
Gentlemen.
Great love is silent
but perhaps we compare...
What is he saying?
Great love is silent.
Is it?
Yes.
The poet we are honouring today
made a poem for his beloved
out of this silence.
He says, out of this silence
he made a poem for his beloved.
He boldly bared his soul...
In this poem, he spoke
of her youth and freshness,
and... and charm.
He loved her from the start.
He loved her silently...
passionately.
Do you really?
Yes.
[man in French] In these poems, the poet
transcends himself to find himself...
In the name of love, I will now unveil...
In the name of love, I will now unveil...
[applause]
[band plays "La Marseillaise"]
[girl in French] Dad, look!
Here comes the gentleman!
They have found your wallet.
[he laughs]
[in French] I found it in the cab.
It was in the cab. On the floor.
- Come on, we'll have to hurry!
- Comment?
- [in French] So, what do we do now?
- Shh!
My bill.
Moi au revoir...
Tell them I've got to see my girl.
[in French] It is about a woman.
[In French] Lovers are like the sick,
it's a sacred duty to help them.
- Dicky.
- Hello!
Blimey, now I've put my foot in it!
Sorry, Sergeant.
- Pick it up, you fool!
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Mademoiselle Raymonde?
- [in French] Second, left. Wait.
- Raymonde!
- Raymonde!
[Andy] Raymonde!
[woman] Raymonde!
[boy] Raymonde!
Come down, quick!
- We might just do it.
- [in French] Anything for lovers!
- Come on!
- Where?
No time now. Tell you on the way!
[lively music]
[car horn honking]
But I said I'm sorry.
But you believed I could do it!
That is what hurt me so much.
[in French] Oh, he loves her so much!
[in French] Not at all,
he's a brute, a Scot...
a man.
[cheering]
Come on, we'll miss the plane.
[cheering drowns out speech]
[woman on PA in French]
Your attention, please.
Passengers to London,
flight DE336 British European Airways
are requested for boarding.
Well, Susan.
Well, Max.
This is where we say goodbye,
I suppose.
I like au revoir better.
Well then, au revoir.
It's been so wonderful.
I'll never forget it, never.
Never? It's a long time.
Oh, hurry up! Faster! Faster!
Vite! Vite!
[they argue in French]
[she screams, tyres screech]
[in French]
Watch out for the truck, you, idiot!
- [in French] Where has he gone?
- [in French] I don't know.
For me?
Yes.
Well...
Goodbye.
- [in French] Come on, kiss her!
- [in French] Come on!
[in French] Love is beautiful.
Hurry, please, for the London plane.
- You will write to me, won't you?
- Yes, and you write to me too.
- Of course.
- Please, monsieur, you'll miss that plane.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Money.
- Oh, pardon.
- Money.
- Combien?
[in French]
Twelve thousand francs.
- Twelve thousand?!
- Twelve thousand francs.
- You're insane.
- No, I'm not, I waited for him the whole day.
[in French] Me, wait for you.
Me, wait. Taxi... [clicking noise]
[honking horns drown his speech]
- He says he waits for you all day.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Next time, you'll come to Glasgow.
Glasgow will be more beautiful than Paris.
And cheaper.
Goodbye!
Andy!
Andy!
[aeroplane engines roar]
[woman announcer on PA]
BEA British European Airways
announce the arrival of
flight number 338 from Paris.
[reporters clamouring]
Big smile, please, Sir Norman.
How did you do it, Sir Norman?
By personal contact.
Always, I find, the best method.
- You look tired, Sir Norman.
- Yes, it's, er...
It's taken a lot out of me.
A lot.
It put a great deal into me too, of course.
I mean, new heart.
Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen,
I have rather a...
Just one thing, Sir Norman.
There's a rumour that you're considering
lowering the basic traveller's allowance
still further, is that true?
If I'm considering anything at all, sir,
it is certainly not that!
- Thank you.
- Good day.
Have a good time, sir?
My good fellow, there's no place like Paris
if you know where to go.
- Have you read this?
- No.
Well, how very interesting.
- Do you understand it?
- No.
- Have you anything to declare?
- Yes.
What's this?
She's the Mona Lisa.
- Where did you get it?
- In the Louvre Museum.
Excuse me a moment, will you?
Oh!
Is he an art lover?
Have you anything to declare?
Have you anything to declare?
L'amour toujours.
It's quite all right, madam.
The article is not liable for duty.
- Why not?
- Well, madam, it's a fake.
A fake? My Mona Lisa?
- Have you seen the original?
- No, madam.
Oh!
Well then, between ourselves,
this is far better than the original.
Far, far better, and the work
of such a charming man.
Thank you very much
for your services.
Ah, Sir Norman.
Good afternoon, sir.
Good afternoon.
May I ask you to disclose
your cigarette case,
your lighter, your watch
and your cufflinks, please, sir?
Well done.
Well done, young man.
That's the spirit.
And you'll also find my
silver-backed hairbrushes in the, er...
in the suitcase.
- Yes, sir, but your...
- Well done, well done.
Keep it up.
Keep it up.
Nice weekend, miss?
[sentimental music]