Inspector Clouseau (1968) Movie Script

- What can you tell us?
- No comment.
- Was it the Great Train Robbery gang?
- That's confidential.
What came of your meeting at number 10?
We are bringing in someone
to take command of the investigation.
- An outsider?
- Well... yes.
Isn't that a slap on the face
for Scotland Yard?
One must overlook such considerations
as to whose nose is out of joint.
- Even if it is one's own nose?
- No comment.
When do you expect this man to arrive?
On flight number 205 to...
- Inspector Clouseau?
- Shh!
Weaver, your opposite number.
- Shockley, Special Branch.
- Hello...
Keep your voice down.
I'm on a secret mission.
We have a car waiting.
- I have not yet cleared Customs.
- Standard VIP treatment.
I'm no "vip" and must go through
Customs like any French tourist.
- Sir, I assure...
- That is my cover, you fool.
- Anything to declare?
- No, I'm just a typical French tourist
- on a humble English vacation.
- Passport and debarking ticket, please.
Yes, of course.
It's right here. I never travel without...
- Come along, sir.
- You have not yet seen my passport!
I have this! Hey, look at this!
Don't grab me...
I think it only fair to say...
.. that your being brought in on this case
was not my idea.
- You are too modest.
- The Prime Minister insisted.
As head of the law-enforcing establishment,
I regard your presence
as a vote of no confidence.
I, though, am extremely confident.
- Not over-confident, I trust.
- No. Not over-confident.
Good. I'm glad to hear that.
The 2,5 million pounds stolen...
.. in our Great Train Robbery are being used as
operating capital for a more ambitious crime.
We are dealing with very greedy people.
Greedy and ruthless. You are the fourth
to be placed in charge in six months.
It seems that Scotland Yard
has had a run of unfortunate luck.
Despite our unfortunate luck...
.. we have apprehended a dozen of
the gang, including three of their top men.
I'll show you.
You may well be acquainted
with some of them.
Yesterday, two of them escaped from
prison. One of them was Frenchy Lebec.
It's a familiar face.
The other was Steve Frey. The one
remaining in custody is Addison Steele.
I'll question the pleasant-looking Mr. Steele.
Don't be fooled by his looks.
He can spot a detective a mile away.
But then you don't look
much like a detective.
I try not to.
I don't have to tell you
that in our line of work...
-.. anonymity is a virtue.
- Any fool knows that.
Anonymity is next to cleanliness and
I don't have to tell you what that's next to.
I have to tell you that we have discovered
a security leak in this department.
- In this department?
- That is why you are here.
The thought was...
.. since you couldn't be the traitor,
we can trust you. But you...
But you must trust no one.
- The viper in our bosom could be anyone.
- Anyone? I suspect everyone.
You will report only to me.
And what makes you think I trust you?
- Be right with you.
- Don't rush.
Don't worry. I never do.
Now, like I said,
if you just comb it out every morning,
you'll still have movement round the face.
You see...
I said I'd be right with you.
And I said, "Don't rush."
And I said, "Don't worry. I never do."
That's excellent, Steele.
Excellent. I like that very much.
- You missed your vocation.
- Glad you like it.
You do a marvellous job.
- You call that a prison haircut?
- Special privileges.
The warden and I are as thick as thieves.
This favouritism,
how long has it been going on?
- 22 years.
- So you murdered your paediatrician.
They would never have caught me
but for my fingerprints on the water pistol.
I shall let that pass since you do not know
whose leg it is that you are pushing.
Do look after him.
I doubt if your razor's sharp enough
for the famous Inspector Clouseau.
- Smart young criminal.
- He's the warden's son.
Quite a joker.
The warden's son should have known not to
reveal my identity to a hardened criminal.
We hardened criminals
follow your career with great interest.
- As I yours.
- Sit down. I'll give you a shave.
Since we are becoming so chummy, you
can tell me about the Great Train Robbery.
I don't know nothing.
He who don't know nothing
knows something, hey?
Perhaps how to mastermind a robbery?
If you wanna know about the mastermind,
don't talk to me. Talk to Johnny Rainbow.
And who is this Johnny Rainbow?
Well, it's just a code name, really.
None of us ever met him face to face.
Now, this is gonna be a little bit hot.
I don't mind. In the words of Robespierre...
La tte laplus chaude...
Just take a few deep breaths.
Breathe in very deeply.
Bit more. That's right.
There you go.
I think you'll be pleased with these items.
Our chaps took some liberties with
your specifications that will delight you.
The smoke-signal matches
that you asked for.
Oh, yes. A wonderful thing, to have them.
This you must watch carefully.
Looks like a cigarette lighter but it is
a high-intensity laser-beam transmitter.
Oh, yes, just what the doctor ordered.
My, my. And what kind of a thing is this?
That's my razor.
Normal cigarette case.
A high-frequency transmitter
with built-in ADC.
- Enclosed microphone and speaker...
- Wonderful thing.
-.. with a tape recorder. Say something.
- Uh?
Say something. Anything you like.
- I have a phobia from recording devices.
- Please.
- I don't like to use them.
- I'm only trying to show you.
- I get embarrassed.
- Don't be. Say anything.
# Paris in the spring's a wonder to behold
# The streets are lined with gold in Paris
# My love jump in the Seine
# And it drove me insane
# If I may be so bold #
- A song.
- Yes. Thank you. Very good.
Now... just wind it back.
# Paris in the spring's a wonder to behold
#.. gold in Paris
# And it drove me insane #
Yes, not too much bass at all.
It's just some little technical fault.
I'm sure you'll sort it out.
Oh, yes, there was something.
Take a good look at me. Have you noticed
anything peculiar about me?
No, but you can't always tell by looking.
- I was referring to my dress.
- Your dress?
Now, look... Here, catch.
- You are armed. Correct?
- Correct.
- Let us assume that you want to arrest me.
- You are under arrest.
Oh, no, no. See, play the...
Let us assume that I resist.
You'd be a very foolish fellow
because I'm a deadly shot.
Yes, but how long would it take you
to reach your pistol?
- You'd be a dead man.
- Remarkable!
No hands. But...
.. observe my belt. 222s, miniature missiles.
Fires with deadly accuracy
up to a distance of 500 yards.
What a wonderful, wonderful... thing.
Yes. Not bad, is it?
Quite ingenious.
It's all done with the stomach muscles.
- Will you get the hang of it?
- Yes. I have a photographic memory.
Hey! Look out for your pipe!
Oh. That's... that some wonderful,
wonderful underwear.
In case anyone throws you into the sea.
Yes, but how do you... have it laundered?
I should recommend dry-cleaning,
you stupid...
With your equipment and my finesse,
we'll give them a run for their money.
- Our money. Our money.
- You're right.
- I'm always right. It's a problem with me.
- Yes.
- Strange. I, too, have that problem.
- Yes.
- We have a lot in common.
- Oh, yes.
Our lives in the game of crime
and punishment are bound like lovers
inextricably together.
It's a poem.
You ought to meet my wife.
Your queen did not
bring me here to socialise.
Not my queen, my wife.
- I meant your wife.
- You don't know my wife.
But I'd be delighted.
Shall we say eight o'clock?
- Dinner?
- Charmed, I'm sure.
There he is. Let us run him down now.
Don't be stupid, Frenchy.
In front of Weavers house?
Good evening. You must be the inspector.
I am Lisa.
Call me Jacques. I hope
you don't mind your husband inviting me...
I'm not Mrs. Weaver. I am Lisa Morell.
- Haven't you been told?
- No, but then I like to find out for myself.
- I must see you alone.
- That's the only way.
But this isn't the proper place.
Then let's run away.
- No, I can't leave now. Trust me.
- I trust you to the ends of the earth.
- Come on.
- Thank you.
- I see you've met Lisa.
- Yes, I have. You sly dog, you.
- She's our au pair. Can I have your coat?
- Yes, of course.
- Drink?
- Small sherry, perhaps.
Lisa, would you get
the inspector a small sherry?
If thats your maid then
your wife must really be something.
Oh! Could this lovely creature
be your famous French friend?
- How could you?
- I haven't. Not in years.
- What are you muttering about?
- Just shop talk.
- May I present my wife?
- What a delightful surprise.
- My wife's a mite Scottish.
- Lovely people.
Robert Burns, cashmere,
the Loch Ness monster.
- What's for dinner, dearie?
- Nothing.
It's the Highland Fair. I am the president
of the Daughters of the Heath and Heather.
- I promised him dinner.
- Don't trouble yourself.
- I'm sure Miss Lisa...
- I do a good omelette.
Och, no! They have gorgeous goodies
at the fair. Come along now.
Come along!
No, no. No, don't!
Put me down on the ground.
Look... Look, I...
Attention, please. It's time
to announce the Grand Door prize.
- The door prize.
- The winning ticket is number 175.
I repeat, 175. Who's the lucky winner?
My ticket... I have it! 175, I have it!
I won the prize!
Oh, come on in! Oh, good gracious me!
Shooting may be an everyday occurrence
to you, but it's left me quite unstrung.
Don't touch my pudding!
I suggest you go to bed.
No, I've got a better idea.
I'll get out of my tweeds, put on something
loose, and you pour me a wee whisky.
- But that girl is going to tell your husband.
- She'll be sound asleep in her bed.
And Weaver will be hours at the morgue,
filling forms et cetera.
I'll be down in two shakes of a donkey's tail.
Don't rush.
- Lisa? Lisa?
- Here I am.
Look what I won. A plum pudding.
You and I could run away and share it.
- Something important has come up.
- I'm coming with you.
No, you must stay here
and distract Mrs. Weaver.
I can't stand Mrs. Weaver!
I've been waiting to be with you.
- So have I.
- Don't be impatient, dear.
- Er... Er...
- I really must go.
You bad, wee boy. Where's that drink?
I looked all over for it.
I can't find any whisky anywhere.
What an ingenious place to keep liquor.
Oh, dear. Here we are.
There we are.
That's it.
To us.
Well, time for me
to take my leave, dear lady. I...
I must get my beauty rest.
Ooh, the excitement!
The time has come for...
Your husband! You fool!
You crazy idiot! Get away!
Commissioner Braithwaite
sent me to fetch you.
What took you so long?
It's been a wonderful evening.
- Don't rush.
- My one regret is that I can't stay longer.
There's a sick lady in there.
He's coming.
Inspector Clouseau, isn't it?
Leave it. Let's get out.
- Clyde Hargreaves. Blackpool prison.
- Yes, the son of the warden.
With the warped sense of humour.
You still need a haircut.
I don't think you'll find many laughs in there.
There is a time for laughing and a time
for not laughing. This is not one of them.
Aah. What's that?
It's my plum pudding. I won it at a picnic.
Yes, I heard about your successful evening.
- Weaver telephoned me from the mortuary.
- I had the winning ticket, that's all.
I can't wait to take a bite from this thing.
- Never mind...
- How do they make it so round?
Don't worry about that now.
I gather you behaved disgracefully.
Drinking on duty,
flirting with woman after woman.
Even reciting vulgar... limericks.
Well, life is not all
shoot-shoot bang-bang.
- But you elected to shoot a man tonight.
- Yes.
- Thereby revealing your identity.
- You are correct.
The way you work
are not our ways at Scotland Yard.
That's why you brought me here.
If you could solve your own mess,
you wouldn't need me. Allow me.
What the devil do you think you're doing?
Put it down!
Gather yourself together!
Where there's a will, there's a way.
I've nursed this bottle since Dunkirk.
Listen, Clouseau, you should
never have shot Frenchy Lebec.
If you'd brought him in, we might
have gained some valuable information.
But oh, no, not you.
You have to get involved in some idiotic
Highland shenanigan. It's disgusting!
I don't talk to you when you're like this.
I'll come back and we can discuss this
in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Good evening.
- Will you take some notes, please?
- Certainly.
A, what are the facts at our disposal?
B, let's get down to those facts.
C, we know that there has been a robbery.
D, we know that certain people
are going to commit this robbery.
I think we can safely assume that.
People are going to commit this robbery.
And they must get out of the way
the people who are trying to prevent them.
- That would be you.
- Me? What do they want to get me for?
- They've made one attempt on your life.
- So they have.
Well, you see how much
we have learned already.
- Gosh, that's marvellous. Let's press on.
- Yes.
Since they've already made an attempt
at my life, which came to no fruition,
they will try a more parabolic approach
and attack me on the bias.
- On the bias?
- On the bias.
They will not attack me,
but something I love more than anything.
What do I love more than anything?
What is my...?
Food! I love food more than anything.
But they will not attack me.
They will attack...
They are going to get me!
My plum... My plum pudding!
Wait! Wait for me. Wait.
I... I have to...
What's the excitement about?
What are you doing?
Saving your lives, you fools!
And you, get with
your loved ones and family.
And the rest of you,
clear out of this neck of the woods.
It may be...
And don't attack anything
unless it's absolutely...
Get back! I told...
I don't know how many times.
And sorry, I say, I don't want you in...
.. in this vicinity. That's what I'm...
Aha! I have found the bomb!
It is still ticking!
I have drowned the bomb.
- It is no longer ticking.
- There's no bomb in there.
There must be. I distinctly heard ticking.
- It could have been your wristwatch.
- Ah!
- It must not be waterproof.
- It's not going to work.
No. But I can always buy another watch.
- I wasn't talking about that.
- That is, if we last that long.
- Come on, give it up.
- Shh!
Aha. Aha!
A deadly transistorised mini-bomb!
- Looks like a cyanide capsule.
- A cyanide capsule!
- Somebody is determined to see you dead.
- Yes. But who?
It could be anyone
at that Scottish hoop-de-doo.
But I didn't let this out of my sight
until I got to your club.
Weren't there any clues
on Frenchy Lebec?
These matches were in his coat.
Let me see those.
Bring him in for questioning.
- You shot him last night.
- Oh, yes.
- The Tudor Arms.
- Let's look at this place.
- No sooner said than done.
- Oh...
- Hello. Can I help you?
- Thank you for stopping.
What seems to be the trouble?
It's my new car.
Do you know something about machinery?
I don't know something.
I know everything.
What do you suppose this does?
When this is connected in the right place,
it makes your automobile move.
It either goes over here or over here.
- Well, that takes care of that.
- Did you fix it?
No, it's ruined. Can I take you somewhere?
I ought to make a phone call.
The nearest place is the Tudor Arms.
- Kismet. That's exactly where I'm going.
- Good.
What brings my favourite niece out?
Uncle, my new car broke down.
- Oh, what a pity.
- Don't just stand there grinning.
- Get us some food.
- What would you like?
Just a light snack. Smoked salmon,
perhaps a little assorted pt.
A little roast beef, I think.
A few vegetables; petitspois, carrots.
Then some "glac" a little chocolate cake,
perhaps. I'll leave it up to you.
- Will you have it here or upstairs?
- Upstairs sounds cosier.
- Charming room.
- You have been here many times before.
- What gives you that idea?
- The innkeeper is "Uncle".
Yes, he's married to my aunt.
It's all very suspicious.
I should go downstairs
and have another look.
Don't let me stop you.
Are you trying to keep
a policeman from his duty?
Don't you want to kiss me?
Whether or not I wish to is not the point.
I'm here on a secret mission and I am not
going to be dissuaded from my duty.
Help. Help. Let me have a breather.
All right.
- What are you doing?
- I never want to forget this.
Put it down.
We'll have none of that, my dear.
Don't take a picture of me
in this dishevelled condition.
Now you can take a picture.
Look at that big beauty.
I love to have my picture taken.
- Hold it.
- Like that?
- Lovely.
- And now a bit serious.
- A half smile? And from the other side.
- Mm-hm.
And now all-the-teeth smile.
Now I'll give you an action photograph.
And caught in the act of surprise.
No, you missed that. Take it once more.
- That ought to do it.
- Good.
If you're making those up,
I wouldn't mind a few.
I'd like to see the proofs, then order some.
I've got an idea.
I've only got face shots of you.
- How about full figure?
- Fine.
I don't mean to intrude,
but have you seen anything of a girl?
Not, of course, to imply
that that's not what you are.
I didn't mean to imply that.
Indeed, not only are you a girl but...
Yes, indeed,
a very extraordinary one at that.
I don't suppose that you've seen
anything of a tall brunette in a short slip?
Yes, well... c'est la vie.
Beautiful. You did a good job.
There. Ooh, I love the way you eat.
- Like a jungle animal.
- Whoo!
Oyster dressing makes me passionate.
- When I eat it?
- Especially when you eat it.
If I didn't have this heartburn,
would you see something.
- I've got something for your heartburn.
- Yes?
If you just lie there, we will soon help you.
How's that?
- That's nice.
- Is that better?
Very good. Like flying over Ecuador
every day on the back of a giant...
- You're having a good trip?
- Yes, it reminds me of...
.. in the barber's shop.
- They're doing it again.
- Soon be well.
- How do you feel now?
- Help.
Take that.
Right. OK?
Now, come on. Pat it well into the face.
Don't miss anything.
This stuff hardens very quickly.
That should do it. Now, easy.
- That's it.
- It's loose. It's loose.
The bull is loose. I don't need a picador.
I'll do it by myself.
I'm going to kill the bull one more time.
Give me my sword and I will become
the... Here it comes. It's loose!
- Hooray!
- That's it!
- I can't believe it.
- He claims it was part of his master plan.
And I suppose the collapsing bed
was part of our equipment?
- He says he brought that with him.
- I won't hear any more about him.
I don't hold with the man's methods,
but he does get results.
I prefer results that culminate in a trial.
- I may have the answer to your problem.
- Drop him from the case?
- We can't offend the French government.
- I didn't mean that.
We ought to have a man
on the spot, speaking their language.
- What language?
- French, sir.
In France. Clouseau.
The remains of Frenchy Lebec
are being sent back to France.
- Remains of who?
- Frenchy Lebec.
The man Clouseau shot
at the Highland fling.
Lebec's gang's bound to be at the funeral.
If Clouseau were there as well,
there's no knowing what information
he might turn up with.
- Follow that hearse!
- Follow it yourself.
Get out.
- How much for your motorbike?
- What?
- I'll buy the bike.
- Oh, oui! Give it a good kick, huh?
Yes, that's what I'm... The kick.
I'm going to...
Stop, thief! Did you see that?
He stole my motorcycle!
- Nowadays you can't trust anybody.
- Gendarme!
Special report to Commissioner Braithwaite.
Good morning.
I am sitting in a cart full offish.
I am going to follow the hearse and...
Wait. And find the body...
its final resting place. I'm going.
- Idiot! Reculez-l!
- I can't think with that noise!
Ol! Idiot!
Here I am in the graveyard,
hiding behind a small shrub.
I'm moving into an advanced position
to continue my reconnaissance.
This is Jacques Clouseau signing off.
Get off, get off.
My hat.
Oh, no.
Stand there for a bit.
Put your hands... like that.
There he is! The man who stole
my motorbike! Come back here!
Hey, you! Come back!
- Hey!
- Get into the car, Jacques! Quick!
Hold on. Get into the front seat.
- Yes, I'm trying to!
- Good.
Some policewoman!
If you don't believe
I'm a member of Interpol, ask them.
A member of the international police?
Don't make me laugh.
I arrest you in the name of the Queen.
This crook is Lieutenant Morell of Interpol.
Who the devil are you?
I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
On detached service to Scotland Yard
from the Paris Suret.
Who are you to tell me
that this crook is no crook?
Don't raise your voice.
I am Prfet of Police and your superior.
It seems that I owe you an apology.
- And you, too, Lieutenant.
- It's quite all right.
Now Scotland Yard and Interpol
have made their peace,
perhaps I can eat my meal in peace.
- Right. You've got everything?
- Yes.
- No, let's go over it again.
- All right. This is the headset.
- Put it on and listen through it.
- Put that on.
This is the bow
with a microphone lead. See? There.
- Oh, yes.
- This is the arrow with a microphone.
You have to plug that in there and
try and get the arrow through that window.
That's where they all are.
- Two of spades. Then a five.
- Go on, then.
With a queen.
Tonight we knock over
the Dodge City bank.
- Dodge City bank? You must be kidding.
- I got a plan.
In 15 minutes, Lefty and Big Red
walk into the hotel and shoot up the place.
- Ten. Pair of tens.
- Give it us.
- I don't trust that Ringo or his partner.
- Don't worry about that now.
Me and One-Eyed Charlie
slip into the back of the bank.
- What about the half-breed?
- Don't worry about the half-breed.
- Who's there?
- Open up, please.
Show me your mother.
- Clouseau!
- Have him!
Get off! Give me some air!
- Mon Dieu.
- What's this?
- Hello, Steele.
- It's the warden's son.
Man, you was a dead ringer for Clouseau.
Shows what one can do
with plastic, a few photographs
and the take
from the Great Train Robbery.
- You're Johnny Rainbow?
- That's it, fellas.
When we blow the vault,
it'll wake the whole town.
We don't blow the vault, stupid.
I bribe the bank president.
Great thinking!
- Bank robbery.
- Got the plan?
You two get on the roof
and drill the first lawman you see coming.
Hold it just a minute now.
You all know what you're...
Don't worry about the half-breed, Ringo.
Switzerland is the bank vault of the world.
On Saturday afternoon, we are going to rob
the biggest banks in 12 of the biggest cities.
Who gets blamed?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
How are you going to be at
12 different banks all at the same time?
I'm not. You are.
- Good God.
- What's all this?
Be my guest, Steele.
- Cor, that's great!
- How do the eyes look?
Perfect, even from here. It's gonna work!
I do not like this joke. Count me out.
- What do you mean?
- Me, too. It's dodgy.
No hard feelings?
No. In fact, I need a couple of bright boys
to do another little job. Clouseau.
- To kill Clouseau will be my pleasure.
- But our ruin!
Once we've made the haul, I want Clouseau
trying to explain his innocence.
No, my friend, do not kill Clouseau.
Kidnap him.
And while you are holding me prisoner,
Ringo and One-Eye and the half-breed
are robbing the bank!
Lefty and whatshisname
are shooting up the hotel lobby
and the one with the squeaky voice
is up on the roof,
waiting to shoot
the first lawman he sees.
- Are you getting all this?
- Yeah, get it!
- The bank president is in on it, too.
- Not the mayor? Or Brigitte Bardot?
- No, not Brigitte Bardot.
- Throw him out!
Wait! Ringo's the breed, the half-breed!
Ow! Oh! Police brutality!
If you'd come, those fools
would have believed me.
- You needed someone to watch the bank.
- They will not start until it's clear.
- I hope we won't have to wait long. I'm cold.
- Yes! It is cold. Come, let's go home.
- What about the crooks?
- They never sleep. Neither does Clouseau.
That will teach you to sneak up on me.
All right. Come on, over to the wall.
Go on. Turn round.
Hands up. High.
All right, turn round.
- Drop your hands now.
- What's up, Weaver?
I don't want praise.
At all times I always do my best.
Commissioner Braithwaite
extends his congratulations.
For killing one crook I am reprimanded.
For killing two I am complimented.
Tell him to make up his mind.
On behalf of the Paris Suret
allow me also to congratulate you.
You're sure you've got the rail ticket
and the rest of the papers
we found on the dead man?
When you get to Zurich,
if you run into more than you handle...
Up to now, I think I've done
pretty well on my own, don't you?
- Yes. See you.
- You are an ornament to France.
Don't forget Ringo and the half-breed.
Clouseau, your train! Your train!
Do you play jacks?
David can't get past threesies.
- Don't bother the nice man, Nicole.
- The nice man is not bothered.
- I want to go to the toilet.
- That's nice.
I want to go to the toilet.
- Excuse me. He wants to go to the toilet.
- Come on, David.
Next year I'm staying at home
and Daddy can take you on holiday.
- I can do Ladies in the Wash House.
- Mm.
You'd have to start out with Babies.
- One up, Chicken in the Basket.
- Time for lunch, Nicole.
- But I was playing with Uncle Jacques.
- Nicole.
- Goodbye, Uncle Jacques.
- Yes, goodbye. Have a good time.
I've got... seven in the...
Feathers in the House, Duck in the Soup.
Weaver! What are you doing here?
Well, it's an opportunity
of having a holiday without my missus.
You've got a point. As long as
you're not here to meddle in my case.
Oh, no, no. Wouldn't dream of it.
- Would you join me in an aperitif?
- Surely. Thank you.
Training for the Olympics, are we?
Oh, you think this is child's play?
- Well, isn't it?
- In the hands of a child, yes.
But as a test of skill,
concentration and dexterity...
- Would you care for a small game?
- Surely.
That is, unless you're afraid
to take on Clouseau.
I'm not afraid, monsieur.
I'm looking forward to it.
- Onesies! Onesies. One.
- Yes, I have it.
- Twosies.
- You didn't pick anything up.
- You had that lodged in your fingers.
- Twosies. Twosies.
- All right, twosies.
- Threesies!
A miss!
All right, all right.
All right. Yes. Here we go with this one now.
- That's it. You can't move the jacks!
- The train hit a bump! When the train...
- You're breaking all the rules.
- It's my jacks!
That's it. Leave them as they are.
Throw the ball. Onesies.
- That...
- Twosies!
- Do you want to...?
- Get away from me!
- Get out!
- Don't bother a man... Threesies.
Here's the ball. Your turn.
You quit while you're ahead?
Come back and finish the game.
Weaver, come back and...
.. finish the game.
We'll finish the jacks
and then we'll have a wrestling match.
No, not the door! All right,
I'll take off 20 points from my score.
No! Please!
My Auntie Mary does this for me.
- I didn't like that man.
- He won't bother us any more.
Read us a story?
Edward Bear, known to his friends
as Winnie the Pooh, or Pooh for short...
- Inspector Clouseau?
- Yes.
Permit me to introduce myself.
Director of National Security.
Hoeffler, isn't it?
The Minister of Finance
has assembled the bank presidents. Come.
- The car is outside.
- Jacques.
Weaver was on the train.
I think he's one of the gang.
- Thank you.
- I'll see you later.
- One minute.
- Of course.
Get that girl.
This car is at your disposal.
The driver has his instructions.
- How did it go?
- According to plan.
Good. We'll stop
and switch clothes on the way.
- Change and get back quickly.
- Right away.
And finally, Zurich.
It is for these reasons, gentlemen,
that I have called you all,
you bank presidents of Switzerland,
here to Zurich today.
I, as the responsible Minister of Finance,
have declared this to be
a national emergency.
And I have pledged, on your behalf,
your fullest, your fullest co-operation...
.. to Inspector Clouseau.
Mr. Minister, honoured bank presidents,
after months of meticulous work,
we have pieced together a picture
of what we think the crooks will do.
- The robbery will take place tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
- Saturday the banks close early.
- Precisely.
Inspector Clouseau,
if you are so well informed,
why do you not know
which bank they plan to rob?
The gang has had all your banks
under surveillance.
Take a very good look at my face.
I shall fly by helicopter to the unlucky bank
and supervise the transference of all funds.
Inspector Weaver of Scotland Yard
has a few more remarks to make.
under no circumstances whatsoever
are you to follow any instructions
from an intermediary.
Do not accept or honour
any apparent radio or telephone message
from Inspector Clouseau or myself.
Only that way can you be sure
that your money is safe.
In the hands of Jacques Clouseau.
There. Now may I speak to London?
But that's all the change I have!
I've been trying to make this call
for an hour. Wait. My mother has come by.
Mother, have you got any money?
Good. Thank you.
Luckily, she had some change.
A miraculous occurrence
that she didn't tell me about.
Oh, and here comes my Uncle George.
He seems also to have
some change with him.
Here it comes, into the telephone,
at this very moment.
And here comes my sister,
with another 20 centimes. And 20 more.
Thank you, dear relatives. Now...
70 centimes more!
But I have no more buttons...
I mean, can't you trust me,
a policeman of good standing?
Wait. I'll see if I can find
someone in this humble village
that will trust a man with an honest face.
No, wait! I made a mistake!
Don't hang up the telephone.
Looks like rain.
Can...? Can I borrow...?
Ah! No. I need... I need 70 centimes.
I'm not poor. I have to make a telephone call.
I have to make a phone call.
I'm not a thief. Here.
I have a wristwatch. A watch!
I'll give you my automatic,
slightly waterproof watch.
Trade for the money.
Es istbesserzu geben als zu nehmen.
Yes. Yes. That's what I always say.
No, you don't!
Some scoundrel put buttons
in the telephone. It's kaputt.
- We've got two minutes to get moving.
- How's this going?
- It's finished. Want to see it?
- Yes, certainly.
Marvellous! Keep that up.
Come on, get this thing moving!
I'll be back in about 20 minutes.
Make sure everything's ready.
He was warned that this might happen.
But he is having his first grandchild.
Transfer everything from the vault
to the armoured car.
- I take full responsibility.
- Of course, Inspector Clouseau.
- Sorry, sir, the bank is closed.
- I have an emergency.
I must cash a cheque.
I have to make a telephone call.
- We have no money.
- What? What do you mean?
- We have no money.
- The bank has no money?
Where is the concierge? Hey, listen...
- Concierge, I have an important...
- Inspector Clouseau!
- You know who I am?
- Yes, but you just left with the money.
- No. This fellow won't give me any money.
- Yes, but... Surely...
- It's a boy!
- It's a boy.
It's a boy! It's a...
Inspector Clouseau. Oh, no, not my bank.
- How come everyone knows who I am?
- The inspector took responsibility.
- So our money was loaded into the truck.
- Yes, it's part of the plan.
- What plan?
- Your plan.
My plan is to cash a cheque
and make a call to London.
- There's something wrong.
- I'm glad you agree with me.
Guard! What do you mean, cash a cheque?
Take him!
It's only five francs. No need for a fuss.
Let's get this thing moving.
Get these doors open.
Quickly! Come on!
Right. Come along,
we haven't got all day. Push it.
Come on!
What are you doing here?
- I let you in.
- Keep watching the main gate.
You heard what Johnny Rain...
Inspector Clouseau said.
We almost gave the whole thing away!
Bolt that door and let nobody else in.
- How's it going?
- Hold my slide rule. I'll find out for you.
- Should be done in an hour and ten.
- Good.
- Quick, man.
- Don't strain yourself.
Come on, Steele. On top of that crate.
Swing it round. More to your left. OK.
- Down.
- Come on, down! Don't waste time.
By now, old chap, they're searching airports
and railroads for our fast getaway.
The last thing they'll be looking for
is a slow-moving barge loaded with candy.
- Couldn't have done better myself.
- I have to get to the city.
Wait. If weve got to take a ride on
this floating time bomb, what about him?
He is the only one in our group with
a legitimate reason for being in Switzerland.
While you're taking a pleasure cruise,
I'll be stuck at headquarters.
So that if anything goes wrong,
you'll get warned.
We're on 102 megacycles,
so you will keep in contact.
- You gonna take me?
- Yeah.
- We'll meet again in Cologne.
- Cologne.
News Express. Robbery sensation.
Famous French inspector arrested.
Read all about it.
News Express...
You are only the watchman at
the Lindt factory. How did you get the money?
Perhaps we can refresh your memory.
Bring in Clouseau.
- Empty your pockets.
- I already have.
On the desk!
Ah. Thank you, Beckman.
- You recognise this man?
- Yes, I do. Can I go now?
You're a teller of tales.
Also you are a liar!
The one thing I despise is a cop gone bad.
- "Cop"? I happen to be a full inspector.
- I'm terribly sorry...
This man threw me from
the 9.17 Zurich express, stole my money
and I accuse him of cheating at jacks!
- This fellow's ill.
- That's mine!
- Armed and dangerous!
- Here, that's mine! You've had yours.
- That man's a crook.
- Stop that man!
He's had his share. This is mine.
- I said to stop him, you fool!
- Man? I saw no man!
I saw nobody!
- Take his feet.
- There are two of you!
Come on.
My face! You've stolen my face!
Give me back my face, you fiend!
- Oh... my.
- Thank you.
Hit him back.
And that is just the beginning, my friend.
I have just begun to fight.
If I had a silver bullet...
Are you all right? Can I help you?
What an experience.
Agh! It lives!
Get away! This person...
.. has his hands around my neck.
And it is... If I can find that vein!
- He's dead.
- Who was he?
We are waiting for a statement
from Inspector Clouseau,
who's just been released from custody.
He's now in charge of the investigation.
- Could you give us a statement, please?
- Chocolate makes one very thirsty.
But millions of people are watching.
Listen to this, millions of people.
There has been a robbery.
The money has been spirited out of
Switzerland wrapped as chocolate bars.
So if your chocolate bar
has money in it, contact me
and I promise you the gratitude of
the government and a free chocolate bar!
- Take it.
- Give me that! That's my money!
You idiot!
I had this suit made in Hong Kong!
- See you tomorrow. Over and out.
- Roger and goodbye.
- Is that you?
- Yeah, of course it's me.
Where have you been?
You still wearing that ridiculous face?
How dare you talk to me like that,
you common prison barber?
- Don't touch!
- But you're dead.
Yes, and you're under arrest.
- What d'you want, handcuffs?
- Yes.
Maybe you left them in the car.
Here are the keys.
- That's my car keys!
- They're over there.
You come with me.
We're both going to get...
I'll stay here, you get the keys!
- Don't go away!
- I'll go here.
Where are my keys?
Where are they? They must...
Don't... don't push that! Don't do that!
Don't start the bridge!
Help! Help!
Help! SOS for a drowning detective!
- What you got there?
- Brought you a little present.
- Haul him in.
- Don't grab me like that!
Get up.
If I wasn't encased in a balloon,
you'd see some action.
Let... let me go!
- Welcome aboard.
- Run! These are dangerous criminals!
We're all criminals here, ain't we, Rainbow?
Johnny Rainbow?
You can't trust anybody any more.
Oh, you can trust me.
And I'd like to say
how grateful we are to you.
Without your co-operation, that exquisite face,
I couldn't have pulled it off.
- Bye-bye, Superman.
- Take him away.
You'll soon be laughing
on the other side of my face!
Ow! That hold was ruled illegal
at the Geneva Convention!
Jacques! They got you, too.
Are you all right? You look awful.
What have they done to you?
Dragged me backwards in the water,
without skis.
Throw me from a train. Give me drugs.
Worse than that,
they punctured my rubber underwear!
But you're alive and in one piece.
- Let's figure a way out.
- You figure it out.
What do you mean?
What are we going to do?
I don't know what we're going to do.
- They'll kill us! How can you talk like that?
- I can talk like that because I face facts.
I ruin everything I touch.
What's the matter with you?
Arrested twice. I destroy
a phone booth at the railway station.
I steal from a nun. I don't know my own face.
A man comes up to me with my face
tied on, I don't recognise who it is.
I don't deserve to have
this autographed picture of Sean Connery.
- You accept defeat so easily.
- It has taken every ounce of my strength.
- No, it will turn out all right.
- It's not! They're going to kill me!
- Thanks. I needed that.
- Now maybe you can face reality.
- You got Weaver, the traitor.
- That's true.
- You killed three of the gang.
- Sorry to interrupt, but it was five.
- You helped to find the money.
- Helped? I did it all by myself.
Who do you think got the money back?
We are going to bust out of here!
That was not the door.
OK, you two, let's go.
Last chance, Inspector. Do you work
for us or do we have to get rid of you?
I don't want your money.
I have my health, my hair,
an apartment with an icebox.
- The love of a good woman.
- Terribly moving.
Perhaps we can help them out.
Lash them to the tarpaulin.
I leave you with these... Ow!
I leave you with these words.
Wait. I'm going to...
- Frey, what time do we rendezvous?
- My calculations...
Forget your calculations.
Ask the gentleman how we're doing.
- What are we gonna do with these idiots?
- When they find them, we'll be miles away.
What time are we gonna
make the rendezvous?
I don't know. We're losing weigh.
- What did he say?
- We're losing weigh.
- How come...?
- We're sinking!
- Abandon ship, everybody!
- We're sinking!
Come on, don't just stand there!
We're sinking, for heaven's sake!
Get in the car.
Come on, get those crates on there!
Get out of here quick!
Out of my way!
- They've gone!
- Typical.
Rats leaving a sinking ship.
- I suggest we swim to shore.
- In which direction?
Well, it's a river. In any direction.
- Maybe I'll just scream for help.
- Good idea.
I don't think they heard you.
To track them this far
and then lose them is too much!
- Would you like a cigarette?
- Yes.
It's a menthol cigarette.
I hope you don't mind.
- Menthol? Oh, no.
- You don't like menthol?
- No.
- I find it a much cooler smoke.
What's that?
There's an ambulance drawing alongside!
- Goodbye, my darling. See you next week.
- I will have everything ready for you.
- Call me tonight?
- As soon as I get off the plane.
I don't want to rush you...
Well, you son of a gun,
the time has come to say goodbye.
- It's been a wonderful...
- Right. Exactly.
-.. in every regard.
- Naturally.
- If ever again you...
- I certainly will.
Don't hesitate to use my name
and please call me if you need me.
- Oh, no, no.
- Please. I insist.
- I'd come at my own expense. Indeed.
- Yes.
Well, cheerio then. Yes.
- Goodbye, Jacques.
- Well, goodbye.
- You can expect to hear from me shortly.
- Yes.
Well, don't... don't take any wooden francs.
- Inspector.
- Yes?
- Mrs. Weaver!
- The widow Weaver, thanks to you.
No, don't do anything you'll be sorry for.
For our first night alone together
in that naughty Paris of yours.