Inspector Ike (2020) Movie Script
1
It's the Saturday night mystery movie.
You've had a long week.
Now it's time to kick back and enjoy
a comforting tale of murder.
So pop some popcorn and
warm up a fresh pot of chili
because an all-new ins
pector ike starts right
Are you excited?
Oh yeah, definitely.
Hey Harry, how long is the play?
Well, let me ask you this:
How long is the workday
of the average American?
Eight hours.
Bing, ding, ding, bing, bing!
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That seems a little long.
Well, not for a true
lover of the theater.
Right. So.
Is something wrong, jan?
Just a little confused.
I'm sorry, I thought -
this is a theatrical event.
Oh no, I'm fine.
Thank you Harry.
Okay.
Harry, can you gimme a little context?
Well, the director has
taken the life of this man,
ai who works at the pizza parlor
down the street and placed
it directly into the theatrical space.
So ai here is essentially
going to perform an actual day
of work for us right here in this theater.
Oh!
Al's pizza.
Yeah.
You got it.
Remarkable.
Harry, I work in a restaurant.
Why would I wanna spend eight
hours watching somebody do -
you asked me to take you to
a show and now you're at one.
I thought this is what you wanted.
It's a bit chilly in here, isn't it?
Here, snuggle up.
Okay.
Thank you.
Would you like some milk, jan?
Um, okay.
I'm afraid it might
have gotten a bit warm.
Well that's alright.
Thank you.
Would you like some Turkey, jan?
Um.
You seem a bit peckish.
Well, I suppose I could have a snack.
The calzone and a pierogi, same family.
It's bread, it's cheese.
It's not a different food?
. No-
how about burrito?
Calzone.
Calzone?
Yeah, same.
What about a croissant?
I don't know what that is.
Harry, you in here?
Right here.
What's with all the cloak and dagger?
You'll have to forgive me chip,
but there's something I've
wanted to do for a long time.
Audition for the lead role of a new play.
Harry, congrats!
What's the show?
It's a production outta California.
I think I have a pretty good shot.
Oh, that is fantastic, Harry.
Now you didn't bring
me all the way out here
on your day off just to
tell me that, did you?
No, no, no.
I'm afraid I have other plans for you.
How'd you like to be my scene partner?
You know, I told Rita I'd
meet her for a bowl of chili.
Oh, your wife can wait.
I got your camera all set.
Hey, you don't mind that I
borrowed your camera, do you?
Of course not.
Well, I got the camera all set up.
I just need a fresh set of
eyes before I tape my audition.
Well, okay.
Anything for a friend.
That's the spirit!
Hip, hip!
Hip, hip!
Hooray.
Yeah, hip hip.
Hooray!
Hip, hip!
Hooray!
Hip, hip!
Hooray!
Oh, chip Conrad, you
devil, get on up here.
Oh!
Okay, Harry, I want you
to run that line again
and put some mustard on this one.
I'm sorry, this is my choice.
I'm going to disappear and
you'll never hear from me again.
Do not mourn me.
This is the way it's meant to be.
What?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Come on man, I can take it.
Okay, well here's the thing.
The technique is there, it's there.
Okay. And I can feel you
really putting the work in,
but that's the thing it's
work. It feels like work.
It looks like work.
Where's the spirit?
Where's the soul, man?
I'm doing my best.
Of course, of course.
And you're good. And we know that, okay?
"This is the way it's meant to be."
What was that?
What was that?
"This is the way it's meant to be."
Yes.
May I hear that again?
This is the way
it's meant to be.
Again.
This is the way it's meant to be.
Again.
This is the way.
It's meant to be.
Say, chip?
Would you mind switching with me?
How come?
Well, could you run all the lines?
Let me see how a master does it.
Well, I'm not the one auditioning.
I know, I know.
But I need to get outta my head
and it hurt to get a fresh
take on the material.
Well, okay.
Anything for a friend, right?
Five pheasants flew fast,
five pheasants flew fast.
Five pheasants flew fast.
Hey, hey, what's with the
sneaky camera work there?
Come on chip, you wouldn't
condemn me to study your
performance from memory, would you?
With video technology I can watch it
as many times as I want.
Roll camera.
This is the final message
I will be sending to you.
My sadness and the incredible
pressures of my profession
have driven me to this.
I'm sorry.
This is my choice.
I'm going to disappear
and you will never hear from me again.
Do not mourn me.
This is the way it was meant to be.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Good god!
Yet another reminder of why
you're the star around here
and I, the lowly understudy.
Well, hey, hey, if you book this part,
I'm gonna need a new understudy.
It's really bittersweet, isn't it?
When you think about it.
Well, you won't have to
think about it for much longer.
Oh god, I should be off right now.
Rita is probably worried sick.
Yes, yes, that hot bowl of chill awaits.
Let me give you a ride.
Oh, you don't need to do that.
No, I insist, my car's parked out back.
Well, if you don't
mind taking me downtown.
Oh no chip, it'd be my great
pleasure to take you down.
Downtown.
Yes.
Down.
Town.
Downtown.
Yes. Yeah, downtown.
Yeah, go downtown.
All right.
What's with the plastic?
Harry?
Take a bow, chip.
This is your curtain call.
Hi, I was at one of your
performances this week
and I left my pocketbook and umbrella.
Theater's closed.
Can you check with the lost and found
and see if they found it?
Because I had my credit card, my money
and everything in there.
My lucky umbrella.
The theater's closed.
You're gonna have to come back later.
Well, I live all the way in
yonkers and you don't know how
long it takes me to get
all the way down here.
We're closed, okay?!
You're gonna have to come
back when we're open.
Well, when are you open?
When there's a play!
Or I don't know, opening night, okay?
Goodbye.
Wow! Oh, what an ending.
I could have watched so much more of that.
Is it over?
Did you enjoy it my darling?
I barely felt the time pass.
Oh yes, I was spellbound.
Why is your sleeve all wet?
Do you really think I
sat through that whole show
without shedding a tear?
Right, of course.
Can we go home please?
Yes, of course.
Let's get you home.
My little theater buff.
No, he didn't leave a note.
He didn't come home.
What?
Chip didn't come home at all?
That's what I've said.
I mean, you know chip the
best, is that something that he-
it's very out of character for chip
and we all know chip, he
never breaks character.
Well when was the last time you saw him?
Yesterday morning.
This is very out of character
for chip and you know it.
Well, the police are here
so if anything is really bad,
I'm sure they'll figure it out.
But what if something is bad?
What if something is bad?
And they figure that out?
It's okay, just stay calm.
What's all the hubbub?
Chip never came home last night.
Oh my god.
We were supposed to
meet for a chili date
and he never showed.
Oh my god, that's completely
and totally bonkers.
Have you heard from him?
No, not a peep.
I think there's something
you all need to see.
And now there's something
else you all need to see,
it's way less fun.
This is the final message
that I will be sending to you.
My sadness and the incredible pressures
of my profession have driven me to this.
I'm sorry.
This is my choice.
I'm going to disappear
and you will never hear from me again.
Do not mourn me.
This is the way it was meant to be.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Oh my god, what does all this mean?
What's happened to chip?
Hold your questions until
the inspector arrives, please.
But chip is missing and it appears
he may have hurt himself.
Calm down, the inspector
will answer all your questions.
Oh balderdash, who is this inspector
who's so special that we can't speak
until he walks through the door?
Ask him yourself.
Hi everyone.
My name is inspector ike.
I'm New York City's
greatest police detective
and I'm here to solve this mystery.
He has quite the reputation.
You know he once solved
a case without any clues
or evidence?
All on his own.
And no one even asked him.
I've also heard that,
and that he's never lost a single case.
Well, except son of Sam,
I think you're thinking
of inspector Mike.
Oh.
Unique New York, unique New York.
You know, you need new, okay, chip.
You know, you need, chip!
You know, you need unique New York.
Very good.
You got my lunch?
All right.
Deputy dinardo, deputy
hawthorne, what's the rundown?
Thanks.
Chip Conrad, missing since yesterday
when he skipped a chili date
with his wife, Margarita.
She's another actor in the theater group.
So that means if Conrad
recorded that video yesterday,
he could have done it
entirely without being seen
because the theater was closed.
It was their last day off before
starting a new production.
Tell me about this place.
Well, it's one of the finest
avant-garde theaters in the city.
And Conrad?
Conrad's one of the greatest
actors of his generation.
I've seen him, he's good.
Good and rich.
His father owns half
the New York waterfront.
That's damn good real estate.
Any security cameras?
No, he could have come in and out
at any point without being seen.
Well, do you think he killed himself?
It's possible.
But it all seems so clean, doesn't it?
And no body.
I lost my appetite.
I'm gonna go talk to them.
Why does he always gotta do that?
All right.
Who did it?
Come on.
Who did it?
You do it?
No
you do it?
No
you do it?
No
you do it?
No
you do it?
He's my husband.
Okay, you're Margarita Conrad?
My apologies.
What about you?
You do it?
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not?
Or I mean.
You could have said no,
just like everyone else.
Well, I didn't -
just seems like you're
overcompensating a bit.
I was just trying to convey -
all right, all right, all right.
On a scale of one-to-ten-
ten.
With ten meaning guilty -
one, I meant one.
I'm a one.
Without any hesitation.
None whatsoever.
Well, that's very interesting.
All right, folks.
Sorry about that, just a
little policeman's folly.
I'll be back again soon
to take down statements
from each of you.
As far as I'm concerned,
this isn't a crime scene until
it becomes a crime scene.
Does that make sense?
It does.
It's kind of like a
zen thing, you get it?
Yes.
I can't work.
I can't work.
That's fine. Rita, go home.
Okay, read through starts in ten.
Harry, you are our lead until
chip decides to rejoin us.
Jan, you'll never guess what's happened.
I've been cast as the
lead of our new show and -
chip's missing?
Yes, and I'm devastated.
I hope you don't mind, Harry.
I just stopped by to ask a few questions.
No, of course not.
Please, take a seat.
Unless, do you need to use the bathroom?
No, I'm okay.
Or wash your hands?
Were you on the train?
I'm fine, inspector.
Wash your hands, train is filthy.
My hands are clean.
All right.
Take a seat.
Jan was just serving up some fresh chili.
You care to join us?
Okay.
So I understand you both were
in the theater district yesterday.
Yes, we were seeing a
performance up the block.
Yes, jan told me all about it.
And you didn't see chip
at any point that day?
No, we didn't see or hear
anything from chip that day.
Jan, do you mind if Harry
and I speak privately?
I just have a few questions.
It won't take long.
Bye darling.
So, I understand you
work with chip regularly?
Yes, I've been chip's understudy
for the theater's past ten productions.
We were quite close.
Were 9
are.
I'm sorry, feeling grim
about this whole thing.
Of course.
And you studied acting?
Oh yes.
I attended Julliard where I
graduated top of my class and
I studied at the royal
Shakespeare company: Straight a's.
And then four years of modern dance,
three months of Noh puppetry in Tokyo.
And then I rounded it out with
a two-day clowning workshop
at I'cole des petits chapeaux.
That was in Paris and it changed my life.
That's quite a pedigree.
Thank you.
And what about you, inspector?
I'm curious what -
four years at the police
academy, standard training.
Then I dropped out, tuned
in, moved to San Francisco
to experiment with LSD and telepathy.
I grew tired of the hippy scene,
so I joined the French foreign legion,
got my body in peak condition.
Then I trained as a pick pocket
on the streets of Romania,
popped over to Oxford for
a quick criminology degree
and then returned to New York.
Ready for duty.
Well, that's extensive.
Why thank you, Harry.
Now, do you think he
could have killed himself?
Well, inspector, you
saw the tape yourself.
I mean, he seemed to suggest
that was his intention.
But from what I understand,
chip seems to have a great life:
Money, success, the respect of his peers.
I don't understand why someone like that
would do something like that.
You know, with all
that training inspector,
I expected you to have
a more sophisticated
understanding of human nature.
Go on.
Well, think about it.
Over the course of chip's career.
I mean, he's played murderers,
mad men, even suicides.
I mean, these characters
don't just disappear.
They become part of
your psyche permanently.
So you think the pressure got to him?
Well, I think it's possible.
Quite frankly, inspector, I'm surprised
that I had to be the one
to explain that to you.
That's an interesting theory, Harry.
It's my pleasure.
We could use a mind like
yours back at the station.
Have you ever considered a
career in law enforcement?
No, I'm afraid I've
caught the acting bug
and the prognosis is terminal.
Now, if you have no further questions,
I'll ask that you let me
enjoy my chili in peace.
Of course.
Oh!
Something wrong, Harry?
Just a little stain, it'll wash out.
I'm sure it will.
Jan, I'm going out.
I'll be back soon.
It's a nice apartment.
Cozy.
Thank you, inspector.
You know, when I heard
about chip's family,
I half-expected you two
would live in a townhouse.
Well, that's chip for you.
He hasn't touched his fortune in years.
We've never wanted for much.
We have the theater.
We have the city, what more do you need?
And you know, there's a deli downstairs
that serves warm hot dogs, 24 hours a day?
So anytime I want, I
can have a warm hot dog.
That sounds very convenient.
And they have ketchup and mustard.
That's all you need.
Oh, where are my manners?
Would you like a warm hot dog, inspector?
No, I'm okay, thank you.
Tell me about Harry newcombe.
He's always been a dear friend to chip
and chip is so supportive of Harry.
They even have a little saying,
"anything for a friend."
Oh wait, they did share the stage once.
Harry played the setting
in long night's journey.
They did some great work
together in that show.
You mind if I borrow these?
Of course, go ahead.
I'll take good care of them.
I'm scared, inspector.
Chip was under a lot of pressure.
And he said this thing the other day.
What was that?
"I want to disappear."
Is that so?
If he meant what he said
in that video, if he really-
let's call it a night, okay?
Here's my number down at the station.
If I don't pick up, my
secretary will pick up.
If my secretary is not
there, she won't pick up.
I won't pick up either.
You can leave a message.
Thank you, inspector.
I'll let myself out.
Come in.
Did you forget something, inspector?
What are you doing here?
You killed my husband, you bastard.
What's that?
Some old hag's pocketbook.
I need you to return it tomorrow.
Address is on her license.
And why do I have to do that?
She saw me leave the theater yesterday.
I don't want her coming back.
Say that again.
She didn't see anything,
she doesn't know anything.
Just return it and she goes away.
Harry!
Everything else is according to plan.
This is just a little hiccup.
I hope this inspector doesn't
delay things for too long.
I'm tired of bohemia, Harry.
Well, to your impending inheritance.
And your big break.
I'm sorry.
This is my choice.
I'm going to disappear
and you will never hear from me again.
Do not mourn me.
This is the way it was meant to be.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Do they make remote controls for these?
I don't think so.
Did you see one at the theater?
A little -
okay, so Harry, the understudy,
he was at a theater all day.
His girlfriend, jan, was
with him the entire time.
She confirmed his alibi.
What about the wife?
Margarita Conrad was at
a diner for several hours,
waiting for chip to
arrive for a chili date.
I called over, it checks out.
I suppose we should call the airports?
Maybe chip decided to visit the Taj Mahal.
It's beautiful this time of year.
Oh, I thought right
now is the rainy season.
No, that's late summer,
June to September.
Right now is the busiest
season of the year.
If he was there, it
would be hard to find him
because there would be
so many other tourists.
Right now?
Yeah.
Oh, I gotta change my flight.
I can put you in touch
with my travel agent.
She can help you sort that out.
Yeah.
Mine keeps booking me on the rainy season.
I thought Japan was just always rainy.
If you go there when it's
rainy you will get rained on.
Yeah. And I did.
What agency are you with?
Rainy day-
oh, rainy day travel.
Yeah, I'm with sunny days travel.
You should definitely switch over.
I just can't shake this
feeling that chip Conrad
is six feet deep and the killer is having
a nice, long laugh at our expense.
It's not even that funny.
I know.
It's just a little funny.
I say we give our mouse a little cheese,
see where he takes it.
J' away j'
Okay, I'm going to be
brutally honest with you.
You're good.
And I think you could be
great by opening night
if you're willing to put in the work.
Thank you so much, that means a lot.
Seriously, nice job.
A lot of people around
here, they're upset.
They're distracted, but you've
got your eyes on the prize.
And I appreciate it.
And I appreciate you
for saying all these-
Say Fran, do you mind if I take five?
Five what?
Seconds?
Minutes.
Fine.
Background!
Harry newcombe, you've
got some pipes, man.
Thank you, inspector.
You better not let any
plumbers hear that voice.
Why is that?
One of those plumbers
might wanna steal your pipes.
Can I help you, inspector?
Did you forget something?
No. I just came by to let
you know that I presented all
the evidence we've collected
so far to the district attorney
and he seems to think we should
just call it a suicide and move on.
Oh, that's awful.
But I'm afraid I agree.
But then I got a funny little thought
and I wanted to run it past you.
You remember chip's video, right?
Well, I took another look at that thing
and there's something real fishy about it.
How's that?
Well, at the beginning of
the video, it starts recording.
Chip is just sitting there,
right there in his chair.
And at the end of the video,
he doesn't get up to turn off the camera.
Did you notice that?
No, but -
so I think there must
have been somebody else
in the room operating the camera.
So that leads me to this theory:
What if somebody approached chip,
and asked him to run a
scene, like in a play?
And what if that somebody
wrote the script to make it
sound like chip wanted to commit suicide?
Then they killed chip,
disposed of his body
and left the videotape in
order to cover their tracks.
What do you think about that?
Harry?
It is a bit baroque, isn't it?
Baroque?
It's a bit complex and morbid.
I mean good god, I
applaud your imagination,
but damn, inspector, do
you have any evidence?
Evidence?
Yes, evidence: Witnesses,
blood, fingerprints, a body,
or maybe the script
that you, that you're -
Harry?
You were saying?
Well, I was saying you
don't have the script.
No, I don't have the script,
but bet your bottom dollar
I wish I did, then we could
really put this baby to bed.
If it exists.
If it exists.
Yeah, of course.
Well, I told the da to keep the case
open just a little while longer
while I look into my funny little thought.
That's nice, I'm glad
you're pursuing that.
That's good to hear.
You'll let me know if you
dig something up won't you?
Absolutely.
Hey, how's it going?
It's fine.
Cool.
Is there something you
need to tell me, Harry?
No, it's just, um,
that detective came to speak with me again
and he just made me aware
of another little hiccup.
Oh!
Oh!
Doh!
Oh!
You have something you need to do
to protect our interests, do it.
And I don't need to hear
about it, especially not here.
Did you return the wallet?
I did.
Anyone see you?
. No-
good.
And that's how I became
the greatest avant-garde
theater director in New York City.
Wow, I didn't know that.
Excuse me, Fran.
Do you mind if I take off for the evening?
Okay, but I want you
fresh as a Daisy tomorrow.
Oh, and Harry?
Good job.
Oh, and Harry?
A lot of people are counting on you.
Don't let them down.
I won't Fran, I promise.
Oh, and Harry?
Yes. Fran, what is it?
The pressure's on big time.
Looks like it's bedtime.
It's gonna be a long night.
I think that old man's
nose just fell off.
Only in New York.
Ow!
I could go for a slice
of pizza right now.
Where have you been?
Went for a drive, I lost track of time.
Why are you dressed like that?
Like what?
Like that, like a dirty old man.
They're just clothes jan.
What's the problem?
Well, you could have called me at work.
You could have left a note.
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry, but I've just
been feeling so guilty.
Jan, I didn't ask for any of this:
To take over the lead role
without chip's support,
without anybody.
It's a lot to process.
I feel like I'm just coming
apart at the seams a bit.
But why are you dressed like an old man?
Ah, enough questions!
But Harry-
I'm under a lot
pressure right now, okay?
I need some sleep.
Harry!
We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?
Please and thank you!
J' away j'
what the hell happened?
I let you take half a day off
and you give me this third-rate
piss party in return?
Look, I was having
trouble sleeping last night.
I can deal with this, Harry:
But I can't deal with this:
Totally.
Or this:
Sure.
Don't get me started on this:
Okay.
Go hose yourself off.
I want you back in five minutes, red hot.
How are you Loretta?
I'm doing well, inspector.
And how's your son?
My son is doing really well.
He actually just started baseball.
Oh, how's your daughter, Sheila?
Still dancing up a storm?
Yes, she is.
She actually is in ballet
classes, thanks for asking.
And how's that cute cat of yours, Gus?
My cat Gus is doing just fine.
And your other cat, Irene?
Irene's doing really well, so good.
And how about that other cat, beb?
Beb's dead.
My condolences.
Thank you for remembering beb.
Now what can I get ya?
I'll take my usual, please.
Okay.
Inspector ike wants his usual.
I think there's someone here that wants
to have a word with you, inspector.
How about you take
off that hood, stranger?
You've been following me all morning.
I'd like to get to know you better.
Jan, is that you?
Yes, it's me, inspector.
What's on your mind?
It's Harry.
Ever since chip went missing,
Harry's been strange.
It's like something's gnawing
at him, something that he did.
I see.
Last night, when he finally fell asleep,
he just kept repeating,
"anything for a friend,"
over and over.
"Anything for a friend," and
scratching at his sleeve.
Like this.
Certainly seems like there's something
that's been bothering him.
Yes, and the thing is,
I know I said that Harry
and I were seeing a play
the day that chip went missing.
And that is true.
But the thing is that it was very long
and incredibly boring.
I wasn't awake for all of it.
In fact, I slept soundly
through most of it.
Yes, Harry was with me at the beginning
and yes, he was with me at the end.
But I can't account for
the part in the middle.
Jan, you do realize there
are very serious implications
to what you're telling me.
I do.
The thing I can't understand
is Harry and I have been
together for a long time, many years.
And if he was capable of
doing something so awful,
and so selfish, what does that
say about our relationship?
Well, jan, the decision is yours,
but to me it says, wrap it up.
I think you should leave
town for a few days.
Can you do that?
Well, I suppose that I
can go see the Grand Canyon.
That's good.
Now go home, gather everything
you need for a few days
and get on the first train out to Arizona.
Okay, inspector, I'll do it.
Would you like me to escort you?
No, Harry is at rehearsal all day.
He won't be home for hours.
Good.
Get outta here.
You're a good detective.
You're not so bad yourself.
Cheers.
Lost my appetite.
Toothbrush.
Harry!
You scared me.
Fran let us out a little early today.
Were you leaving?
No, why do you ask?
Well, you're wearing your coat.
I went for a walk.
Oh.
You gonna take it off?
Whoop.
There it goes.
Your toothbrush is in your waist band.
Really?
You know, I was brushing my teeth earlier
and the phone rang and I went to answer it
and I must have forgotten to put it back.
Oh.
Who called?
What?
Who was on the phone when
you were brushing your teeth?
It was the mayor.
The mayor?
Yes.
Of New York City?
No, no, Phoenix.
Phoenix, Arizona.
Yep.
And what did they want?
It was a wrong number
actually, so nothing.
My little mystery girl.
Always up to something.
Yeah.
Okay, well.
Would you put it back in the
could you put in the bathroom for me?
The toothbrush?
Yes. Could you put it-
well, why can't you do it?
Well, I don't wanna
go into specifics Harry,
but I had a bathroom moment earlier
that was quite traumatic
and I would rather not be reminded of it.
A moment?
It's all in the past now,
but the memory of it is
very vivid in my mind.
Okay, enough, I will put it back.
What's this?
A surprise.
For me?
That's right.
Go ahead.
Your suitcase.
Now you go pack yours.
Now I go pack mine?
For what?
For the vacation that I planned.
Jan, I can't go on a vacation now.
Oh no, really?
Yes, obviously, the
show's in less than a week!
Oh, right, obviously.
That makes sense.
Well, would you mind if I
still went on the vacation?
Yes, I think I do mind, jan.
I think I mind quite a bit.
Well, I guess I'll go to work.
Yep. I'm just gonna go change my clothes
and I'll go to work.
The rehearsal went well?
Very well, my darling.
Everyone thinks I'm going to kill.
You know I love you, don't you jan?
Of course.
I would never do anything
to jeopardize your wellbeing.
Harry, what are you saying?
I would never hurt you, jan.
That is, unless you did
something to hurt me.
Coming!
Jan, I'm sorry to
bother you, I was just-
Harry, I'm glad you're here.
I was just walking past the apartment
on my way home from the grocery store.
And I had a thought.
Would you two be interested in learning
a brand new inspector ike recipe?
Yes, we'd love that.
Harry, you don't mind if I slow cook
a fresh pot of chili in your kitchen
for the next few hours, do you?
Not at all.
Thank you.
It's this way.
Chili con came, a "bowl of red."
Now this is my special recipe,
but there's no wrong way to make
a warm and cozy bowl of chili.
So take your time.
Do what feels right and have fun.
Let's run through the ingredients.
In chunks or ground.
Chopped.
Minced.
Diced.
Torn up.
More to taste.
To taste.
And finally two cans of
beans, such as kidney beans.
Heat the oil, then add and brown the meat.
Use more oil if needed.
Reserve the cooked beef on the side.
To the dirty pot, add
onion, garlic and jalapenos,
along with the tortilla
and powdered spices
and cook 10 minutes
until the onion is soft.
Add beer, tomatoes,
chocolate, dried chilies,
and two cups of water.
Simmer for two hours.
Remove dried chilies, add
kidney beans and warm through.
Salt to taste.
The chili can be served immediately,
but is best matured in the refrigerator
for two days before serving.
And that's all she wrote.
Well Harry, what's the verdict?
I've had better.
Tough crowd.
Well, Jen, I think it's
about time you hit the road.
Harry, you're on kitchen patrol.
You have everything you need?
Rita.
You shouldn't call me.
We need to talk.
I'll let you know when
it's a good time, okay?
I'll make sure I'm not being followed
and I'll call you, okay?
Harry, are you being
followed by the police?
Sometimes, I don't know, a little bit?
The inspector was just
here for a few hours.
A few hours.
He was slow cooking chili,
but he's just trying to
get in my head, you see?
I just to make sure that, you know,
I haven't missed anything,
that we haven't forgotten anything else
I need you to keep it together.
I am keeping it together,
but I gotta learn my lines.
I mean, this is all just
background noise anyways, right?
This is opening week. I mean
that's what's important.
My show, not the crime
we committed, right?
Rita?
Rita?
Rita?
Is this some sort of sick joke?
Bye Harry.
Hey, anything for a friend?
Harry newcombe, give
me everything you've got.
Let's talk about Harry newcombe.
Inspector ike.
What does he know?
Faster.
His character
intelligent, well educated,
but also vain, entitled,
fearful of his own mediocrity.
Oh!
I'm hard working, well respected.
I just needed a big break and I got it.
No, no, harder!
He had a motive.
Knock out the star who
was holding him back.
Chip was my best friend, I
was happy living in his shadow.
Sexier.
No, no, too sexy.
Better, better!
We're out of thumbtacks.
He had an alibi from
his girlfriend, jan,
but that alibi just got
a big fat hole in it.
Well, I was there when the show started,
I was there when it ended.
I mean, it's all speculation
because they don't have a witness.
And I believe Harry is tortured.
They don't have one witness.
I don't think he's sleeping.
I don't think he's eating.
I don't think his mind is clear.
We're getting somewhere!
Yes, yes, yes!
I think we're going to be okay.
I think we're gonna be okay.
You've been awfully quiet over there.
Harry.
What?
Cut that out.
What?
That scratching.
It's disgusting.
Harry, I don't think
you're thinking straight.
That's not true.
And I believe you've made mistakes.
Hiccups.
You're overwhelmed and I'm concerned.
Do you think I did what I did lightly?
You think this is all
some kind of game for me?
This is my whole life, this
is everything I've worked for.
What did you do?
What?
Say it.
Why?
I wanna hear you say it.
Look, I can't worry
about this right now.
Tonight is opening night,
I need to clear my head.
What, you're leaving?
All right.
So what are we missing?
A witness, any witness.
A body.
A weapon.
Physical evidence, blood.
Vomit.
Sweat.
Tears.
Pee.
Poop.
Footprints.
Mm hmm.
Shoes.
Tears, but not from sadness, from -
joy.
From joy.
There's some things we could go into
that are a little bit r-rated, but -
DNA from -
you know, from the stuff
that is left over after.
There's been some sort
of sexual intercourse.
Confession.
A confession.
Hello?
Yes, this is inspector ike.
Oh, hi.
I see.
Yes, that is very interesting.
I'd love to listen to this recording.
Is there a time that
we could sounds good.
Yes, a pleasure speaking
with you too Mrs. Conrad.
Ciao.
How would you two like
to go to a show tonight?
I can't. I have plans.
Sorry, I was being a little coy.
We have work to do.
Yeah, I just gotta
cancel my plans real quick.
I don't think I can go
to that movie anymore.
That's fine.
But I'll probably see you at work.
Yeah, I think we'll
probably go together.
Is there something
going on between you two?
Between us?
Us?
I'm detecting something here.
. No-
we're just friends.
It's okay if there is.
. No-
I would never.
Can you imagine if -
never in a million years,
is it someone like this?
Somebody like this, are you kidding?
Okay, I just thought I
sensed a little something.
Well, if that's how you
feel, that's how you feel.
But there's nothing.
You're seeing things.
I have a funny feeling
about you, inspector.
You need to get some sleep,
I think you're sleep deprived.
You're overworked, you're overworked.
Well, if there is something going on,
you just have to fill out some
paperwork downstairs with hr.
Okay.
Congratulations, let's go to work.
Five minutes, Harry-
thank you, five.
Come in.
Jan, what are you doing here?
Well, I didn't wanna miss your premier.
Well, this is I wasn't
expecting to see you.
I know.
And I'm sorry, but you
were acting so strange.
Darling, it was,
it was just the stress of the show.
I know.
And we can put that all
behind us now, really.
I'm just so excited to
finally watch you perform.
Although it feels like I've
been watching you perform
since as long as I've known you.
Goodbye Harry.
Goodbye.
Places!
Thank you.
Five pheasants flew fast.
J' it's a hard knock ii-j'
Hello?
Hello?
Very funny.
I see.
Very good.
Are you out there, Mr. Director?
ah, inspector ike.
When did you become so
interested in theater?
Hiya Harry.
Sorry I had to cancel your big debut.
I had a flash of inspiration
and came up with a play of my own.
What do you say, wanna give it a shot?
Absolutely not.
I refuse.
Well, I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to arrest you.
For what?
For failure to obey a police order.
That's what you call
this? A police order?
For being a jerk.
I didn't realize that
was a crime these days.
Okay, what the hell is that?
It's my big gun.
You gonna shoot me?
Maybe, or maybe I'll
just shoot all around you
and it'll be scary and loud.
Well, I don't think that
method will stand up in court
inspector, feels a bit forced.
Wanna find out or wanna read
my play and call it a night?
Anything for a friend, right?
Harry?
Okay, these are not my words.
And for the record, I'm being
coerced into reading this.
Do you think I did what I did lightly?
Do you think this is all
some kind of game for me?
This is my whole life, this is everything.
And what did you do?
I don't quite have the
next line figured out.
I was hoping you could help me.
What did you do, Harry?
Nothing.
You wanna give it another run through?
I think you can do better.
. No-
come on, Harry.
I know you can do better.
Listen.
Do you think I did what I did lightly?
You think this is all
some kind of game for me?
This is my whole life, this
is everything I've worked for.
What did you do, Harry?
This is ridiculous.
Okay, maybe you need an audience.
She's framing me.
He came to me and confessed everything.
I was only able to record that little bit.
Lying.
She's lying, she's setting me up!
How about I tell you
more about the character.
Maybe that'll help.
He's an actor who went to
all the fanciest schools
and paid every due, but
he still couldn't succeed.
Why?
Maybe he didn't have enough Patience.
Maybe if he had waited
a little while longer,
the success he craved would've come.
But instead he cooked up
a nasty little shortcut:
Kill his best friend.
And it worked.
He planned a perfect
crime and carried it out
without a hitch.
The only trouble was the guilt.
He couldn't account for the guilt.
It grew inside him,
getting worse and worse,
until finally he went to the widows home
and confessed everything.
No, that's not true.
Do you wanna arrest me?
Do it, arrest me.
Question me, trick me.
Do whatever you please,
it's not going to help.
You know why?
Because I'm innocent, innocent!
Jan, it breaks my heart
to see you sitting there
judging me.
Judging me tonight on the
night I should be celebrated.
Do you think I did what I did lightly?
You think this is some
kind of game for me?
This is my whole life, this
is everything I've worked for.
What did you do, Harry?
I killed a man in cold blood.
His name was Harry newcombe.
Jesus Christ.
And now I'm reborn.
I have the same name, the same face,
but I'm not the same person, oh no.
And you think you can
trick me, but you can't.
Why?
Because I'm free! And you
have no evidence, no witnesses
and no authority to keep
me here for another moment.
Isn't that right, inspector?
That's what I thought.
So fuck you guys.
I bid you all a good night.
That guy's good, he's really good.
Harry, you remember Esther, don't you?
We ran into her outside the
theater while we were, you know,
planning this whole operation
to trick you into confessing.
You told her to come back on
opening night, didn't you?
But, but her wallet.
Esther got her wallet back, yes,
but she forgot her umbrella too.
My lucky umbrella.
Her lucky umbrella.
I'm surprised you missed that, Harry.
Such a sophisticated mind.
So I guess we do have one witness
and a pretty good one too.
Thanks for sticking around.
Oh, and thank you for
coming all the way to yonkers
to return my pocket book.
Oh yeah, thank you, Rita.
That was quite the favor.
I don't know what she's talking about.
Why don't we continue this conversation
back at the station?
I'll warm up a big platter
of hot dogs for you.
How's that sound?
Hawthorne?
Oh, and Harry, you mind
turning that camera off?
How ya doing boss?
Good.
Real good. Great.
Those two flipped on each other
like a couple of circus acrobats.
So what did we learn?
Was there a moral to the story?
Oh, uh: "Always listen closely."
Right, that's a good lesson.
Oh, and that "murder is bad."
Sure.
I think we learn that lesson
quite a bit around here,
but it's always good to be reminded.
How about: "Blessed are
those who expect nothing"
for they'll never be disappointed?"
Very good, hawthorne, I like that.
It's sort of like a zen thing.
All right. Moving on.
I believe you two have a movie date.
Go ahead and take the
rest of the afternoon off.
Popcorn's on me.
I don't like popcorn.
Oh, we don't eat popcorn.
Okay well you don't have to get popcorn.
You can get yourself some candy.
Oh we're okay
yeah.
All right.
Could we just take the money in cash?
I'm not going to accompany
you to the concession stand.
I'm giving you the money in cash.
Oh so we can stop by the
bank on way to the movie.
Yeah.
It's a deal.
Okay.
Have fun.
Well, that just about does it around here.
Did you catch all the
clues in tonight's episode?
There were 47 of them.
Be sure to tune in next week
for another exciting
episode of inspector ike.
Until then, keep searching gumshoes.
Case closed.
Stick around, an all new episode
of inspector Mike is up next.
It's the Saturday night mystery movie.
You've had a long week.
Now it's time to kick back and enjoy
a comforting tale of murder.
So pop some popcorn and
warm up a fresh pot of chili
because an all-new ins
pector ike starts right
Are you excited?
Oh yeah, definitely.
Hey Harry, how long is the play?
Well, let me ask you this:
How long is the workday
of the average American?
Eight hours.
Bing, ding, ding, bing, bing!
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That seems a little long.
Well, not for a true
lover of the theater.
Right. So.
Is something wrong, jan?
Just a little confused.
I'm sorry, I thought -
this is a theatrical event.
Oh no, I'm fine.
Thank you Harry.
Okay.
Harry, can you gimme a little context?
Well, the director has
taken the life of this man,
ai who works at the pizza parlor
down the street and placed
it directly into the theatrical space.
So ai here is essentially
going to perform an actual day
of work for us right here in this theater.
Oh!
Al's pizza.
Yeah.
You got it.
Remarkable.
Harry, I work in a restaurant.
Why would I wanna spend eight
hours watching somebody do -
you asked me to take you to
a show and now you're at one.
I thought this is what you wanted.
It's a bit chilly in here, isn't it?
Here, snuggle up.
Okay.
Thank you.
Would you like some milk, jan?
Um, okay.
I'm afraid it might
have gotten a bit warm.
Well that's alright.
Thank you.
Would you like some Turkey, jan?
Um.
You seem a bit peckish.
Well, I suppose I could have a snack.
The calzone and a pierogi, same family.
It's bread, it's cheese.
It's not a different food?
. No-
how about burrito?
Calzone.
Calzone?
Yeah, same.
What about a croissant?
I don't know what that is.
Harry, you in here?
Right here.
What's with all the cloak and dagger?
You'll have to forgive me chip,
but there's something I've
wanted to do for a long time.
Audition for the lead role of a new play.
Harry, congrats!
What's the show?
It's a production outta California.
I think I have a pretty good shot.
Oh, that is fantastic, Harry.
Now you didn't bring
me all the way out here
on your day off just to
tell me that, did you?
No, no, no.
I'm afraid I have other plans for you.
How'd you like to be my scene partner?
You know, I told Rita I'd
meet her for a bowl of chili.
Oh, your wife can wait.
I got your camera all set.
Hey, you don't mind that I
borrowed your camera, do you?
Of course not.
Well, I got the camera all set up.
I just need a fresh set of
eyes before I tape my audition.
Well, okay.
Anything for a friend.
That's the spirit!
Hip, hip!
Hip, hip!
Hooray.
Yeah, hip hip.
Hooray!
Hip, hip!
Hooray!
Hip, hip!
Hooray!
Oh, chip Conrad, you
devil, get on up here.
Oh!
Okay, Harry, I want you
to run that line again
and put some mustard on this one.
I'm sorry, this is my choice.
I'm going to disappear and
you'll never hear from me again.
Do not mourn me.
This is the way it's meant to be.
What?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Come on man, I can take it.
Okay, well here's the thing.
The technique is there, it's there.
Okay. And I can feel you
really putting the work in,
but that's the thing it's
work. It feels like work.
It looks like work.
Where's the spirit?
Where's the soul, man?
I'm doing my best.
Of course, of course.
And you're good. And we know that, okay?
"This is the way it's meant to be."
What was that?
What was that?
"This is the way it's meant to be."
Yes.
May I hear that again?
This is the way
it's meant to be.
Again.
This is the way it's meant to be.
Again.
This is the way.
It's meant to be.
Say, chip?
Would you mind switching with me?
How come?
Well, could you run all the lines?
Let me see how a master does it.
Well, I'm not the one auditioning.
I know, I know.
But I need to get outta my head
and it hurt to get a fresh
take on the material.
Well, okay.
Anything for a friend, right?
Five pheasants flew fast,
five pheasants flew fast.
Five pheasants flew fast.
Hey, hey, what's with the
sneaky camera work there?
Come on chip, you wouldn't
condemn me to study your
performance from memory, would you?
With video technology I can watch it
as many times as I want.
Roll camera.
This is the final message
I will be sending to you.
My sadness and the incredible
pressures of my profession
have driven me to this.
I'm sorry.
This is my choice.
I'm going to disappear
and you will never hear from me again.
Do not mourn me.
This is the way it was meant to be.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Good god!
Yet another reminder of why
you're the star around here
and I, the lowly understudy.
Well, hey, hey, if you book this part,
I'm gonna need a new understudy.
It's really bittersweet, isn't it?
When you think about it.
Well, you won't have to
think about it for much longer.
Oh god, I should be off right now.
Rita is probably worried sick.
Yes, yes, that hot bowl of chill awaits.
Let me give you a ride.
Oh, you don't need to do that.
No, I insist, my car's parked out back.
Well, if you don't
mind taking me downtown.
Oh no chip, it'd be my great
pleasure to take you down.
Downtown.
Yes.
Down.
Town.
Downtown.
Yes. Yeah, downtown.
Yeah, go downtown.
All right.
What's with the plastic?
Harry?
Take a bow, chip.
This is your curtain call.
Hi, I was at one of your
performances this week
and I left my pocketbook and umbrella.
Theater's closed.
Can you check with the lost and found
and see if they found it?
Because I had my credit card, my money
and everything in there.
My lucky umbrella.
The theater's closed.
You're gonna have to come back later.
Well, I live all the way in
yonkers and you don't know how
long it takes me to get
all the way down here.
We're closed, okay?!
You're gonna have to come
back when we're open.
Well, when are you open?
When there's a play!
Or I don't know, opening night, okay?
Goodbye.
Wow! Oh, what an ending.
I could have watched so much more of that.
Is it over?
Did you enjoy it my darling?
I barely felt the time pass.
Oh yes, I was spellbound.
Why is your sleeve all wet?
Do you really think I
sat through that whole show
without shedding a tear?
Right, of course.
Can we go home please?
Yes, of course.
Let's get you home.
My little theater buff.
No, he didn't leave a note.
He didn't come home.
What?
Chip didn't come home at all?
That's what I've said.
I mean, you know chip the
best, is that something that he-
it's very out of character for chip
and we all know chip, he
never breaks character.
Well when was the last time you saw him?
Yesterday morning.
This is very out of character
for chip and you know it.
Well, the police are here
so if anything is really bad,
I'm sure they'll figure it out.
But what if something is bad?
What if something is bad?
And they figure that out?
It's okay, just stay calm.
What's all the hubbub?
Chip never came home last night.
Oh my god.
We were supposed to
meet for a chili date
and he never showed.
Oh my god, that's completely
and totally bonkers.
Have you heard from him?
No, not a peep.
I think there's something
you all need to see.
And now there's something
else you all need to see,
it's way less fun.
This is the final message
that I will be sending to you.
My sadness and the incredible pressures
of my profession have driven me to this.
I'm sorry.
This is my choice.
I'm going to disappear
and you will never hear from me again.
Do not mourn me.
This is the way it was meant to be.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Oh my god, what does all this mean?
What's happened to chip?
Hold your questions until
the inspector arrives, please.
But chip is missing and it appears
he may have hurt himself.
Calm down, the inspector
will answer all your questions.
Oh balderdash, who is this inspector
who's so special that we can't speak
until he walks through the door?
Ask him yourself.
Hi everyone.
My name is inspector ike.
I'm New York City's
greatest police detective
and I'm here to solve this mystery.
He has quite the reputation.
You know he once solved
a case without any clues
or evidence?
All on his own.
And no one even asked him.
I've also heard that,
and that he's never lost a single case.
Well, except son of Sam,
I think you're thinking
of inspector Mike.
Oh.
Unique New York, unique New York.
You know, you need new, okay, chip.
You know, you need, chip!
You know, you need unique New York.
Very good.
You got my lunch?
All right.
Deputy dinardo, deputy
hawthorne, what's the rundown?
Thanks.
Chip Conrad, missing since yesterday
when he skipped a chili date
with his wife, Margarita.
She's another actor in the theater group.
So that means if Conrad
recorded that video yesterday,
he could have done it
entirely without being seen
because the theater was closed.
It was their last day off before
starting a new production.
Tell me about this place.
Well, it's one of the finest
avant-garde theaters in the city.
And Conrad?
Conrad's one of the greatest
actors of his generation.
I've seen him, he's good.
Good and rich.
His father owns half
the New York waterfront.
That's damn good real estate.
Any security cameras?
No, he could have come in and out
at any point without being seen.
Well, do you think he killed himself?
It's possible.
But it all seems so clean, doesn't it?
And no body.
I lost my appetite.
I'm gonna go talk to them.
Why does he always gotta do that?
All right.
Who did it?
Come on.
Who did it?
You do it?
No
you do it?
No
you do it?
No
you do it?
No
you do it?
He's my husband.
Okay, you're Margarita Conrad?
My apologies.
What about you?
You do it?
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not?
Or I mean.
You could have said no,
just like everyone else.
Well, I didn't -
just seems like you're
overcompensating a bit.
I was just trying to convey -
all right, all right, all right.
On a scale of one-to-ten-
ten.
With ten meaning guilty -
one, I meant one.
I'm a one.
Without any hesitation.
None whatsoever.
Well, that's very interesting.
All right, folks.
Sorry about that, just a
little policeman's folly.
I'll be back again soon
to take down statements
from each of you.
As far as I'm concerned,
this isn't a crime scene until
it becomes a crime scene.
Does that make sense?
It does.
It's kind of like a
zen thing, you get it?
Yes.
I can't work.
I can't work.
That's fine. Rita, go home.
Okay, read through starts in ten.
Harry, you are our lead until
chip decides to rejoin us.
Jan, you'll never guess what's happened.
I've been cast as the
lead of our new show and -
chip's missing?
Yes, and I'm devastated.
I hope you don't mind, Harry.
I just stopped by to ask a few questions.
No, of course not.
Please, take a seat.
Unless, do you need to use the bathroom?
No, I'm okay.
Or wash your hands?
Were you on the train?
I'm fine, inspector.
Wash your hands, train is filthy.
My hands are clean.
All right.
Take a seat.
Jan was just serving up some fresh chili.
You care to join us?
Okay.
So I understand you both were
in the theater district yesterday.
Yes, we were seeing a
performance up the block.
Yes, jan told me all about it.
And you didn't see chip
at any point that day?
No, we didn't see or hear
anything from chip that day.
Jan, do you mind if Harry
and I speak privately?
I just have a few questions.
It won't take long.
Bye darling.
So, I understand you
work with chip regularly?
Yes, I've been chip's understudy
for the theater's past ten productions.
We were quite close.
Were 9
are.
I'm sorry, feeling grim
about this whole thing.
Of course.
And you studied acting?
Oh yes.
I attended Julliard where I
graduated top of my class and
I studied at the royal
Shakespeare company: Straight a's.
And then four years of modern dance,
three months of Noh puppetry in Tokyo.
And then I rounded it out with
a two-day clowning workshop
at I'cole des petits chapeaux.
That was in Paris and it changed my life.
That's quite a pedigree.
Thank you.
And what about you, inspector?
I'm curious what -
four years at the police
academy, standard training.
Then I dropped out, tuned
in, moved to San Francisco
to experiment with LSD and telepathy.
I grew tired of the hippy scene,
so I joined the French foreign legion,
got my body in peak condition.
Then I trained as a pick pocket
on the streets of Romania,
popped over to Oxford for
a quick criminology degree
and then returned to New York.
Ready for duty.
Well, that's extensive.
Why thank you, Harry.
Now, do you think he
could have killed himself?
Well, inspector, you
saw the tape yourself.
I mean, he seemed to suggest
that was his intention.
But from what I understand,
chip seems to have a great life:
Money, success, the respect of his peers.
I don't understand why someone like that
would do something like that.
You know, with all
that training inspector,
I expected you to have
a more sophisticated
understanding of human nature.
Go on.
Well, think about it.
Over the course of chip's career.
I mean, he's played murderers,
mad men, even suicides.
I mean, these characters
don't just disappear.
They become part of
your psyche permanently.
So you think the pressure got to him?
Well, I think it's possible.
Quite frankly, inspector, I'm surprised
that I had to be the one
to explain that to you.
That's an interesting theory, Harry.
It's my pleasure.
We could use a mind like
yours back at the station.
Have you ever considered a
career in law enforcement?
No, I'm afraid I've
caught the acting bug
and the prognosis is terminal.
Now, if you have no further questions,
I'll ask that you let me
enjoy my chili in peace.
Of course.
Oh!
Something wrong, Harry?
Just a little stain, it'll wash out.
I'm sure it will.
Jan, I'm going out.
I'll be back soon.
It's a nice apartment.
Cozy.
Thank you, inspector.
You know, when I heard
about chip's family,
I half-expected you two
would live in a townhouse.
Well, that's chip for you.
He hasn't touched his fortune in years.
We've never wanted for much.
We have the theater.
We have the city, what more do you need?
And you know, there's a deli downstairs
that serves warm hot dogs, 24 hours a day?
So anytime I want, I
can have a warm hot dog.
That sounds very convenient.
And they have ketchup and mustard.
That's all you need.
Oh, where are my manners?
Would you like a warm hot dog, inspector?
No, I'm okay, thank you.
Tell me about Harry newcombe.
He's always been a dear friend to chip
and chip is so supportive of Harry.
They even have a little saying,
"anything for a friend."
Oh wait, they did share the stage once.
Harry played the setting
in long night's journey.
They did some great work
together in that show.
You mind if I borrow these?
Of course, go ahead.
I'll take good care of them.
I'm scared, inspector.
Chip was under a lot of pressure.
And he said this thing the other day.
What was that?
"I want to disappear."
Is that so?
If he meant what he said
in that video, if he really-
let's call it a night, okay?
Here's my number down at the station.
If I don't pick up, my
secretary will pick up.
If my secretary is not
there, she won't pick up.
I won't pick up either.
You can leave a message.
Thank you, inspector.
I'll let myself out.
Come in.
Did you forget something, inspector?
What are you doing here?
You killed my husband, you bastard.
What's that?
Some old hag's pocketbook.
I need you to return it tomorrow.
Address is on her license.
And why do I have to do that?
She saw me leave the theater yesterday.
I don't want her coming back.
Say that again.
She didn't see anything,
she doesn't know anything.
Just return it and she goes away.
Harry!
Everything else is according to plan.
This is just a little hiccup.
I hope this inspector doesn't
delay things for too long.
I'm tired of bohemia, Harry.
Well, to your impending inheritance.
And your big break.
I'm sorry.
This is my choice.
I'm going to disappear
and you will never hear from me again.
Do not mourn me.
This is the way it was meant to be.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Do they make remote controls for these?
I don't think so.
Did you see one at the theater?
A little -
okay, so Harry, the understudy,
he was at a theater all day.
His girlfriend, jan, was
with him the entire time.
She confirmed his alibi.
What about the wife?
Margarita Conrad was at
a diner for several hours,
waiting for chip to
arrive for a chili date.
I called over, it checks out.
I suppose we should call the airports?
Maybe chip decided to visit the Taj Mahal.
It's beautiful this time of year.
Oh, I thought right
now is the rainy season.
No, that's late summer,
June to September.
Right now is the busiest
season of the year.
If he was there, it
would be hard to find him
because there would be
so many other tourists.
Right now?
Yeah.
Oh, I gotta change my flight.
I can put you in touch
with my travel agent.
She can help you sort that out.
Yeah.
Mine keeps booking me on the rainy season.
I thought Japan was just always rainy.
If you go there when it's
rainy you will get rained on.
Yeah. And I did.
What agency are you with?
Rainy day-
oh, rainy day travel.
Yeah, I'm with sunny days travel.
You should definitely switch over.
I just can't shake this
feeling that chip Conrad
is six feet deep and the killer is having
a nice, long laugh at our expense.
It's not even that funny.
I know.
It's just a little funny.
I say we give our mouse a little cheese,
see where he takes it.
J' away j'
Okay, I'm going to be
brutally honest with you.
You're good.
And I think you could be
great by opening night
if you're willing to put in the work.
Thank you so much, that means a lot.
Seriously, nice job.
A lot of people around
here, they're upset.
They're distracted, but you've
got your eyes on the prize.
And I appreciate it.
And I appreciate you
for saying all these-
Say Fran, do you mind if I take five?
Five what?
Seconds?
Minutes.
Fine.
Background!
Harry newcombe, you've
got some pipes, man.
Thank you, inspector.
You better not let any
plumbers hear that voice.
Why is that?
One of those plumbers
might wanna steal your pipes.
Can I help you, inspector?
Did you forget something?
No. I just came by to let
you know that I presented all
the evidence we've collected
so far to the district attorney
and he seems to think we should
just call it a suicide and move on.
Oh, that's awful.
But I'm afraid I agree.
But then I got a funny little thought
and I wanted to run it past you.
You remember chip's video, right?
Well, I took another look at that thing
and there's something real fishy about it.
How's that?
Well, at the beginning of
the video, it starts recording.
Chip is just sitting there,
right there in his chair.
And at the end of the video,
he doesn't get up to turn off the camera.
Did you notice that?
No, but -
so I think there must
have been somebody else
in the room operating the camera.
So that leads me to this theory:
What if somebody approached chip,
and asked him to run a
scene, like in a play?
And what if that somebody
wrote the script to make it
sound like chip wanted to commit suicide?
Then they killed chip,
disposed of his body
and left the videotape in
order to cover their tracks.
What do you think about that?
Harry?
It is a bit baroque, isn't it?
Baroque?
It's a bit complex and morbid.
I mean good god, I
applaud your imagination,
but damn, inspector, do
you have any evidence?
Evidence?
Yes, evidence: Witnesses,
blood, fingerprints, a body,
or maybe the script
that you, that you're -
Harry?
You were saying?
Well, I was saying you
don't have the script.
No, I don't have the script,
but bet your bottom dollar
I wish I did, then we could
really put this baby to bed.
If it exists.
If it exists.
Yeah, of course.
Well, I told the da to keep the case
open just a little while longer
while I look into my funny little thought.
That's nice, I'm glad
you're pursuing that.
That's good to hear.
You'll let me know if you
dig something up won't you?
Absolutely.
Hey, how's it going?
It's fine.
Cool.
Is there something you
need to tell me, Harry?
No, it's just, um,
that detective came to speak with me again
and he just made me aware
of another little hiccup.
Oh!
Oh!
Doh!
Oh!
You have something you need to do
to protect our interests, do it.
And I don't need to hear
about it, especially not here.
Did you return the wallet?
I did.
Anyone see you?
. No-
good.
And that's how I became
the greatest avant-garde
theater director in New York City.
Wow, I didn't know that.
Excuse me, Fran.
Do you mind if I take off for the evening?
Okay, but I want you
fresh as a Daisy tomorrow.
Oh, and Harry?
Good job.
Oh, and Harry?
A lot of people are counting on you.
Don't let them down.
I won't Fran, I promise.
Oh, and Harry?
Yes. Fran, what is it?
The pressure's on big time.
Looks like it's bedtime.
It's gonna be a long night.
I think that old man's
nose just fell off.
Only in New York.
Ow!
I could go for a slice
of pizza right now.
Where have you been?
Went for a drive, I lost track of time.
Why are you dressed like that?
Like what?
Like that, like a dirty old man.
They're just clothes jan.
What's the problem?
Well, you could have called me at work.
You could have left a note.
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry, but I've just
been feeling so guilty.
Jan, I didn't ask for any of this:
To take over the lead role
without chip's support,
without anybody.
It's a lot to process.
I feel like I'm just coming
apart at the seams a bit.
But why are you dressed like an old man?
Ah, enough questions!
But Harry-
I'm under a lot
pressure right now, okay?
I need some sleep.
Harry!
We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?
Please and thank you!
J' away j'
what the hell happened?
I let you take half a day off
and you give me this third-rate
piss party in return?
Look, I was having
trouble sleeping last night.
I can deal with this, Harry:
But I can't deal with this:
Totally.
Or this:
Sure.
Don't get me started on this:
Okay.
Go hose yourself off.
I want you back in five minutes, red hot.
How are you Loretta?
I'm doing well, inspector.
And how's your son?
My son is doing really well.
He actually just started baseball.
Oh, how's your daughter, Sheila?
Still dancing up a storm?
Yes, she is.
She actually is in ballet
classes, thanks for asking.
And how's that cute cat of yours, Gus?
My cat Gus is doing just fine.
And your other cat, Irene?
Irene's doing really well, so good.
And how about that other cat, beb?
Beb's dead.
My condolences.
Thank you for remembering beb.
Now what can I get ya?
I'll take my usual, please.
Okay.
Inspector ike wants his usual.
I think there's someone here that wants
to have a word with you, inspector.
How about you take
off that hood, stranger?
You've been following me all morning.
I'd like to get to know you better.
Jan, is that you?
Yes, it's me, inspector.
What's on your mind?
It's Harry.
Ever since chip went missing,
Harry's been strange.
It's like something's gnawing
at him, something that he did.
I see.
Last night, when he finally fell asleep,
he just kept repeating,
"anything for a friend,"
over and over.
"Anything for a friend," and
scratching at his sleeve.
Like this.
Certainly seems like there's something
that's been bothering him.
Yes, and the thing is,
I know I said that Harry
and I were seeing a play
the day that chip went missing.
And that is true.
But the thing is that it was very long
and incredibly boring.
I wasn't awake for all of it.
In fact, I slept soundly
through most of it.
Yes, Harry was with me at the beginning
and yes, he was with me at the end.
But I can't account for
the part in the middle.
Jan, you do realize there
are very serious implications
to what you're telling me.
I do.
The thing I can't understand
is Harry and I have been
together for a long time, many years.
And if he was capable of
doing something so awful,
and so selfish, what does that
say about our relationship?
Well, jan, the decision is yours,
but to me it says, wrap it up.
I think you should leave
town for a few days.
Can you do that?
Well, I suppose that I
can go see the Grand Canyon.
That's good.
Now go home, gather everything
you need for a few days
and get on the first train out to Arizona.
Okay, inspector, I'll do it.
Would you like me to escort you?
No, Harry is at rehearsal all day.
He won't be home for hours.
Good.
Get outta here.
You're a good detective.
You're not so bad yourself.
Cheers.
Lost my appetite.
Toothbrush.
Harry!
You scared me.
Fran let us out a little early today.
Were you leaving?
No, why do you ask?
Well, you're wearing your coat.
I went for a walk.
Oh.
You gonna take it off?
Whoop.
There it goes.
Your toothbrush is in your waist band.
Really?
You know, I was brushing my teeth earlier
and the phone rang and I went to answer it
and I must have forgotten to put it back.
Oh.
Who called?
What?
Who was on the phone when
you were brushing your teeth?
It was the mayor.
The mayor?
Yes.
Of New York City?
No, no, Phoenix.
Phoenix, Arizona.
Yep.
And what did they want?
It was a wrong number
actually, so nothing.
My little mystery girl.
Always up to something.
Yeah.
Okay, well.
Would you put it back in the
could you put in the bathroom for me?
The toothbrush?
Yes. Could you put it-
well, why can't you do it?
Well, I don't wanna
go into specifics Harry,
but I had a bathroom moment earlier
that was quite traumatic
and I would rather not be reminded of it.
A moment?
It's all in the past now,
but the memory of it is
very vivid in my mind.
Okay, enough, I will put it back.
What's this?
A surprise.
For me?
That's right.
Go ahead.
Your suitcase.
Now you go pack yours.
Now I go pack mine?
For what?
For the vacation that I planned.
Jan, I can't go on a vacation now.
Oh no, really?
Yes, obviously, the
show's in less than a week!
Oh, right, obviously.
That makes sense.
Well, would you mind if I
still went on the vacation?
Yes, I think I do mind, jan.
I think I mind quite a bit.
Well, I guess I'll go to work.
Yep. I'm just gonna go change my clothes
and I'll go to work.
The rehearsal went well?
Very well, my darling.
Everyone thinks I'm going to kill.
You know I love you, don't you jan?
Of course.
I would never do anything
to jeopardize your wellbeing.
Harry, what are you saying?
I would never hurt you, jan.
That is, unless you did
something to hurt me.
Coming!
Jan, I'm sorry to
bother you, I was just-
Harry, I'm glad you're here.
I was just walking past the apartment
on my way home from the grocery store.
And I had a thought.
Would you two be interested in learning
a brand new inspector ike recipe?
Yes, we'd love that.
Harry, you don't mind if I slow cook
a fresh pot of chili in your kitchen
for the next few hours, do you?
Not at all.
Thank you.
It's this way.
Chili con came, a "bowl of red."
Now this is my special recipe,
but there's no wrong way to make
a warm and cozy bowl of chili.
So take your time.
Do what feels right and have fun.
Let's run through the ingredients.
In chunks or ground.
Chopped.
Minced.
Diced.
Torn up.
More to taste.
To taste.
And finally two cans of
beans, such as kidney beans.
Heat the oil, then add and brown the meat.
Use more oil if needed.
Reserve the cooked beef on the side.
To the dirty pot, add
onion, garlic and jalapenos,
along with the tortilla
and powdered spices
and cook 10 minutes
until the onion is soft.
Add beer, tomatoes,
chocolate, dried chilies,
and two cups of water.
Simmer for two hours.
Remove dried chilies, add
kidney beans and warm through.
Salt to taste.
The chili can be served immediately,
but is best matured in the refrigerator
for two days before serving.
And that's all she wrote.
Well Harry, what's the verdict?
I've had better.
Tough crowd.
Well, Jen, I think it's
about time you hit the road.
Harry, you're on kitchen patrol.
You have everything you need?
Rita.
You shouldn't call me.
We need to talk.
I'll let you know when
it's a good time, okay?
I'll make sure I'm not being followed
and I'll call you, okay?
Harry, are you being
followed by the police?
Sometimes, I don't know, a little bit?
The inspector was just
here for a few hours.
A few hours.
He was slow cooking chili,
but he's just trying to
get in my head, you see?
I just to make sure that, you know,
I haven't missed anything,
that we haven't forgotten anything else
I need you to keep it together.
I am keeping it together,
but I gotta learn my lines.
I mean, this is all just
background noise anyways, right?
This is opening week. I mean
that's what's important.
My show, not the crime
we committed, right?
Rita?
Rita?
Rita?
Is this some sort of sick joke?
Bye Harry.
Hey, anything for a friend?
Harry newcombe, give
me everything you've got.
Let's talk about Harry newcombe.
Inspector ike.
What does he know?
Faster.
His character
intelligent, well educated,
but also vain, entitled,
fearful of his own mediocrity.
Oh!
I'm hard working, well respected.
I just needed a big break and I got it.
No, no, harder!
He had a motive.
Knock out the star who
was holding him back.
Chip was my best friend, I
was happy living in his shadow.
Sexier.
No, no, too sexy.
Better, better!
We're out of thumbtacks.
He had an alibi from
his girlfriend, jan,
but that alibi just got
a big fat hole in it.
Well, I was there when the show started,
I was there when it ended.
I mean, it's all speculation
because they don't have a witness.
And I believe Harry is tortured.
They don't have one witness.
I don't think he's sleeping.
I don't think he's eating.
I don't think his mind is clear.
We're getting somewhere!
Yes, yes, yes!
I think we're going to be okay.
I think we're gonna be okay.
You've been awfully quiet over there.
Harry.
What?
Cut that out.
What?
That scratching.
It's disgusting.
Harry, I don't think
you're thinking straight.
That's not true.
And I believe you've made mistakes.
Hiccups.
You're overwhelmed and I'm concerned.
Do you think I did what I did lightly?
You think this is all
some kind of game for me?
This is my whole life, this
is everything I've worked for.
What did you do?
What?
Say it.
Why?
I wanna hear you say it.
Look, I can't worry
about this right now.
Tonight is opening night,
I need to clear my head.
What, you're leaving?
All right.
So what are we missing?
A witness, any witness.
A body.
A weapon.
Physical evidence, blood.
Vomit.
Sweat.
Tears.
Pee.
Poop.
Footprints.
Mm hmm.
Shoes.
Tears, but not from sadness, from -
joy.
From joy.
There's some things we could go into
that are a little bit r-rated, but -
DNA from -
you know, from the stuff
that is left over after.
There's been some sort
of sexual intercourse.
Confession.
A confession.
Hello?
Yes, this is inspector ike.
Oh, hi.
I see.
Yes, that is very interesting.
I'd love to listen to this recording.
Is there a time that
we could sounds good.
Yes, a pleasure speaking
with you too Mrs. Conrad.
Ciao.
How would you two like
to go to a show tonight?
I can't. I have plans.
Sorry, I was being a little coy.
We have work to do.
Yeah, I just gotta
cancel my plans real quick.
I don't think I can go
to that movie anymore.
That's fine.
But I'll probably see you at work.
Yeah, I think we'll
probably go together.
Is there something
going on between you two?
Between us?
Us?
I'm detecting something here.
. No-
we're just friends.
It's okay if there is.
. No-
I would never.
Can you imagine if -
never in a million years,
is it someone like this?
Somebody like this, are you kidding?
Okay, I just thought I
sensed a little something.
Well, if that's how you
feel, that's how you feel.
But there's nothing.
You're seeing things.
I have a funny feeling
about you, inspector.
You need to get some sleep,
I think you're sleep deprived.
You're overworked, you're overworked.
Well, if there is something going on,
you just have to fill out some
paperwork downstairs with hr.
Okay.
Congratulations, let's go to work.
Five minutes, Harry-
thank you, five.
Come in.
Jan, what are you doing here?
Well, I didn't wanna miss your premier.
Well, this is I wasn't
expecting to see you.
I know.
And I'm sorry, but you
were acting so strange.
Darling, it was,
it was just the stress of the show.
I know.
And we can put that all
behind us now, really.
I'm just so excited to
finally watch you perform.
Although it feels like I've
been watching you perform
since as long as I've known you.
Goodbye Harry.
Goodbye.
Places!
Thank you.
Five pheasants flew fast.
J' it's a hard knock ii-j'
Hello?
Hello?
Very funny.
I see.
Very good.
Are you out there, Mr. Director?
ah, inspector ike.
When did you become so
interested in theater?
Hiya Harry.
Sorry I had to cancel your big debut.
I had a flash of inspiration
and came up with a play of my own.
What do you say, wanna give it a shot?
Absolutely not.
I refuse.
Well, I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to arrest you.
For what?
For failure to obey a police order.
That's what you call
this? A police order?
For being a jerk.
I didn't realize that
was a crime these days.
Okay, what the hell is that?
It's my big gun.
You gonna shoot me?
Maybe, or maybe I'll
just shoot all around you
and it'll be scary and loud.
Well, I don't think that
method will stand up in court
inspector, feels a bit forced.
Wanna find out or wanna read
my play and call it a night?
Anything for a friend, right?
Harry?
Okay, these are not my words.
And for the record, I'm being
coerced into reading this.
Do you think I did what I did lightly?
Do you think this is all
some kind of game for me?
This is my whole life, this is everything.
And what did you do?
I don't quite have the
next line figured out.
I was hoping you could help me.
What did you do, Harry?
Nothing.
You wanna give it another run through?
I think you can do better.
. No-
come on, Harry.
I know you can do better.
Listen.
Do you think I did what I did lightly?
You think this is all
some kind of game for me?
This is my whole life, this
is everything I've worked for.
What did you do, Harry?
This is ridiculous.
Okay, maybe you need an audience.
She's framing me.
He came to me and confessed everything.
I was only able to record that little bit.
Lying.
She's lying, she's setting me up!
How about I tell you
more about the character.
Maybe that'll help.
He's an actor who went to
all the fanciest schools
and paid every due, but
he still couldn't succeed.
Why?
Maybe he didn't have enough Patience.
Maybe if he had waited
a little while longer,
the success he craved would've come.
But instead he cooked up
a nasty little shortcut:
Kill his best friend.
And it worked.
He planned a perfect
crime and carried it out
without a hitch.
The only trouble was the guilt.
He couldn't account for the guilt.
It grew inside him,
getting worse and worse,
until finally he went to the widows home
and confessed everything.
No, that's not true.
Do you wanna arrest me?
Do it, arrest me.
Question me, trick me.
Do whatever you please,
it's not going to help.
You know why?
Because I'm innocent, innocent!
Jan, it breaks my heart
to see you sitting there
judging me.
Judging me tonight on the
night I should be celebrated.
Do you think I did what I did lightly?
You think this is some
kind of game for me?
This is my whole life, this
is everything I've worked for.
What did you do, Harry?
I killed a man in cold blood.
His name was Harry newcombe.
Jesus Christ.
And now I'm reborn.
I have the same name, the same face,
but I'm not the same person, oh no.
And you think you can
trick me, but you can't.
Why?
Because I'm free! And you
have no evidence, no witnesses
and no authority to keep
me here for another moment.
Isn't that right, inspector?
That's what I thought.
So fuck you guys.
I bid you all a good night.
That guy's good, he's really good.
Harry, you remember Esther, don't you?
We ran into her outside the
theater while we were, you know,
planning this whole operation
to trick you into confessing.
You told her to come back on
opening night, didn't you?
But, but her wallet.
Esther got her wallet back, yes,
but she forgot her umbrella too.
My lucky umbrella.
Her lucky umbrella.
I'm surprised you missed that, Harry.
Such a sophisticated mind.
So I guess we do have one witness
and a pretty good one too.
Thanks for sticking around.
Oh, and thank you for
coming all the way to yonkers
to return my pocket book.
Oh yeah, thank you, Rita.
That was quite the favor.
I don't know what she's talking about.
Why don't we continue this conversation
back at the station?
I'll warm up a big platter
of hot dogs for you.
How's that sound?
Hawthorne?
Oh, and Harry, you mind
turning that camera off?
How ya doing boss?
Good.
Real good. Great.
Those two flipped on each other
like a couple of circus acrobats.
So what did we learn?
Was there a moral to the story?
Oh, uh: "Always listen closely."
Right, that's a good lesson.
Oh, and that "murder is bad."
Sure.
I think we learn that lesson
quite a bit around here,
but it's always good to be reminded.
How about: "Blessed are
those who expect nothing"
for they'll never be disappointed?"
Very good, hawthorne, I like that.
It's sort of like a zen thing.
All right. Moving on.
I believe you two have a movie date.
Go ahead and take the
rest of the afternoon off.
Popcorn's on me.
I don't like popcorn.
Oh, we don't eat popcorn.
Okay well you don't have to get popcorn.
You can get yourself some candy.
Oh we're okay
yeah.
All right.
Could we just take the money in cash?
I'm not going to accompany
you to the concession stand.
I'm giving you the money in cash.
Oh so we can stop by the
bank on way to the movie.
Yeah.
It's a deal.
Okay.
Have fun.
Well, that just about does it around here.
Did you catch all the
clues in tonight's episode?
There were 47 of them.
Be sure to tune in next week
for another exciting
episode of inspector ike.
Until then, keep searching gumshoes.
Case closed.
Stick around, an all new episode
of inspector Mike is up next.