Internet Famous (2016) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen,
live from Burbank, California,
it's time for "Chris!"
With your host, Chris.
Twerk it!
Yeah! Yeah!
Dunk your mom! Dunk your mom!
Dunk your mom!
Dunk your mom!
I have the number one rated
daytime television talk show.
And do you know why that is?
That's because I stay
up-to-date with trends.
Was it...
Five years ago,
the ratings started
to take a dip.
And you know what I did,
is I fired my best friend
and co-host Jenny McCarthy.
And I legally changed my last
name to an exclamation point.
I mean, the ratings went
through the roof, you know?
The only problem with having
your last name be punctuation
is I-I cannot get my mail.
I mean, I'm not kidding.
I cannot...
It does not come.
Now, 20 years ago,
I was busting my hump.
Doing stand-up comedy for
groups of 50 people at a time.
But now, anyone can be seen
by millions of people
thanks to the Internet.
You know, doing stuff
that they'll probably regret.
You know what?
And guess what...
I admit it, I've done some stuff
that I am not proud of.
Is this my real hair color?
Uh, I think not.
Well, maybe. You know what?
You'll never know.
Uh, have I ever lied under oath?
Mm, I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't even know why
we're talking about it, okay?
It's Internet.
It's happening.
It's now.
It's a face in a camera.
It's having fun.
It's immediate.
It's... it's real.
It's... it's what it is.
Six seconds, four seconds,
it doesn't even matter.
Nothing has substance.
This is it.
And guess what,
I'm gonna be here forever!
'Cause I love it,
and I get it.
I get it, I get it, I get it.
This is it.
It's now.
Okay, I think it's over, right?
This is over.
Welcome back! Welcome back.
This year,
I'm very excited to announce
our very first
Web Star of the Year Award!
Yeah! Ah!
Now, the Web Star of the Year
is going to win
their very own TV show,
which I will
executive produce.
And with the help
of you all at home,
we've narrowed down
our finalists
to the best of the best.
And we're gonna be
announcing live
the winner at the fifth annual
WebCon Convention
in Anaheim, California!
And so,
the five finalists are...
Well, my life is my daughter.
And my daughter just so happens
to be famous on the Internet.
She was such a peach.
I thought,
"People need to see this.
I'ma upload this online."
Uh, I mostly did it just to
share it with her grandmother.
And, uh, sure enough,
it got 300,000 hits in a day.
Over a week,
it got 15 million views.
I started
thinking to myself,
"Okay, well, I kinda caught
lightning in a bottle here.
How do I do this
again and again and again?"
Uh, so I started thinking, "Okay,
what's a different emotion?"
Sadness... well, nobody
wants to see a baby sad.
I already did it.
Now, how 'bout fear?
And I went, "Aha."
There is no God!
Lucy, it's Daddy.
That's One Scared Baby.
We combined
two very popular things...
cuteness and the fear
of certain death.
Like, there's something
very humanizing about seeing
a baby getting really,
really, really freaked out.
Lucy, I love you so much.
And I'm always gonna be here
to protect you,
you know that, right?
I will always protect you
no matter what.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
what's happening?
What's happening?
Oh, my God!
Please, don't take my daughter!
Please, don't take my daughter!
This a baby who-who's
looking into the camera,
and it's thinking,
"Oh, my God, this is it."
All right, check this out.
I got... I got That's One
Scared Baby merch, all right?
One Scared Baby bibs.
We got mugs.
We got beer koozies.
We got shirts.
We got clocks.
What time is it? I don't know.
It cries on the hour.
And look at this,
One Scared Baby bobblehead.
That baby look like it saw
a frickin' demon, huh?
When Lucy found out she was
picked for the Chris! show,
she literally screamed.
I remember,
I'll never forget.
She screamed
her frickin' head off.
Mostly 'cause I was wearing,
um, a baby-eating
minotaur costume.
But I think also
because I sort of had,
like, a... a dead
baby rabbit in my hands.
And I remember,
I was like, you know,
you won
the Chris! show finalist.
You know,
her eyes just went like,
"Whoa, what's going on here?
Did I really?"
And I'm like, "Yes, you did."
Now I will feast on the blood
of the seven sins."
- Veronica Decker.
- Yeah, that's me.
- Follow me.
- Oh.
You look kinda familiar.
Did you see
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"?
Melrose and Orange,
black box theater.
- Missed that one.
- Yeah.
Sorry, must be
something else.
No, that's weird, 'cause
I wasn't in "something else."
All right, um, you're gonna be
reading with Craig here.
Just give him a second
to get started,
- and whenever you're ready.
- Just...
I've checked everywhere.
I've checked the school.
I've checked
the neighbors house.
I've done so much,
and he's not here.
- Okay, he's gone.
- Sorry, just hold on one second.
Uh, can you, uh,
can you walk across the room
for us, please?
Great. Great.
Um... ahem.
Hold on, that's really good,
that's great.
You can go back to one.
Try it again, um,
this time with,
uh, with like less balance.
Even less.
- That's totally it.
- It's "The Wobbly Walk."
You are "The Wobbly Walk"
girl, right?
That's not me.
Come on, you gotta do it
for us, real quick.
No, I... I'd rather
just do the scene.
Hmm, that's too bad.
Thanks for coming in.
That's it?
You guys don't want me
to finish the scene?
No, I'm... I'm sorry.
- This is a serious movie.
- Yeah.
and we can't have you,
you know,
next to Jessica Lange...
fingers crossed...
um, just wobbly.
Wobbling all over
the goddamn place.
That's what I hear.
- Thank you.
- Blah.
That's unbelievable.
She went to college.
What a waste.
Veronica: Uh, I never
wanted to be famous.
I just wanted to be
a working actress.
But it's really hard for people
to take you seriously
when 700 million people
have seen you dance
like an idiot
on the Internet.
It first started with my friend
who uploaded the video,
- uh, in high school.
- Did you get it?
And that wasn't a big deal
because only few hundred
people saw it.
But then a user
by the name of.
LOL Zordon uploaded
a musical remix,
but with a space background
and... an extremely...
catchy song.
Wobbly Wobbly Walk
Do The Wobbly Wobbly Walk
- You can do it
- Wobble Wobble Wobble
- If you try
- Wobble Wobble Wobble
Somehow it became
this pop culture phenomenon.
Everyone was just doing
the dance, everybody.
It was voted the single
worst thing of 2015
by "Time" magazine.
Politicians used it
as a way to sum up...
everything that was wrong
with our country.
And I somehow became
the poster child
for everything that sucks.
But that's okay,
because I got this trophy.
I'm doing this competition
for many reasons.
Uh, mainly so I can focus
on my acting full time.
And also so I could
live in a place
that doesn't have
power steering.
Are Heather, Heather, Heather
We're all named...
Ah, crap.
I am so sorry I'm late.
I promise,
it won't happen again.
I was at the mall looking for clothes
and then you know how it goes.
When I go into a mall,
it turns into a meet-and-greet.
All right,
let's go inside.
I guess you could say my career
started in high school.
You know, I was just hanging out
with my boys on a Friday night
and a song came on the radio.
Uh, CeeLo something,
and it was called "Forget You."
And as I'm listening
to the song, I was like,
"Wow, this song's
pretty chill,
but I could probably
spruce it up a little bit."
You know, and I started
throwing out some joke lyrics.
And I was like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This could be a parody."
I see you driving 'round town
with the cow I love
- And I'm like "Moo, moo"
- Moo, moo, moo
I guess the milk in my fridge
just wasn't enough
And I'm like
"Moo, moo and boo-hoo, too"
And that's when little old
Tomas Butterman from Ohio
became Tomas
"The Parody Boss."
I like saying it like that.
I do music video parodies,
uh, you know,
like once a month
when I get inspired.
I always try to not only
make fun of the artist,
but say something.
I'd say my favorite parody
I've ever made
was probably my Taylor Swift.
"We Are Never Getting
Back Together" parody.
Let's just say I turned it
on it's friggin' head.
We are Heather,
Heather, Heather
We're all named Heather
Her name's Heather,
her name's Heather
My name's Heather, too
'Cause we are Heather,
Heather, Heather
We're all named Heather
I think the reason
I am number one on YouTube,
um, is probably because...
well, my amazing content...
but also, I just have
a really strong connection
with my fans, you know?
Or as I like to call them,
"the employees."
Thanks so much
for watching the parody.
If you wanna help out
this channel,
make sure to hit
that "subscribe" button.
Also, the song's up on iTunes,
so you better go cop that
and give this video
a thumbs up.
'Cause you're my employee
and that's your job.
Or else you're totes fired.
See you at work.
My employees are the most
loyal people in the world.
If I tell them to do
something, they do it.
You know, "Hey, guys,
go thumb up this video."
Million thumbs.
"Hey, guys, go buy this song
on iTunes." Number one.
Comes with a lot of power, though,
because if I were to be like,
"Hey, guys, go jump off a
bridge." You know what you'd see?
You'd see a lot of bridges
with dead bodies under them.
Or right next
to them probably.
'Cause technically,
if they jumped off,
they wouldn't go
right under, sorry.
I get all visual 'cause
I'm a director-filmmaker.
And... action.
Hello, puppies.
I'm Amber Day.
And you're watching
the Viral Video Pound.
First video
has a lot of bark...
but does it have any bite?
I just need one second, Jimmy. So
I think it's a buyer's market...
That looked like it hurt.
Next up is kitty cats.
Which means...
Dina the Dog is here,
and I don't like
those pussy cats.
They play "ruff, ruff."
Usually that kitty
is very certain,
but today it looks like...
she's on the fence.
I'm Mrs. Cloudbottom,
the Dogcatcher.
Did somebody say,
"ruff, ruff"?
Amber: I've always
loved telling jokes,
but nobody ever thought
I was funny until eighth grade
when I got back
from summer camp.
And then all of a sudden,
all the guys were just
laugh, laugh, laugh,
and laugh.
I think I really found
my comedic timing at camp.
The Viral Video Pound
is my own comedy show.
So think like "SNL"
but with only me
as the cast.
My fan base is 95% male.
Which I'm super proud of
because most guys
tend to be the hardcore
comedy fans.
My name's Dennis Wasserman,
and I'm a film director.
When I wanted to make movies,
I didn't have actors.
I didn't have friends.
I had to work with
what I had.
So my cat, Mr. Blankets,
became my muse.
I'd start out by filming Mr.
Blankets throughout his day.
Getting cool shots of him
sleeping and walking on tables,
and then I'd sync it with
the sickest music I could find.
But then I got sued.
Part of the agreement
with the major music labels
was that, um,
I'd pay for their legal fees
and in return, I wouldn't collect
any ad revenue on my videos.
So will you be bringing
Mr. Blankets to WebCon?
Um, no, not gonna do that.
It's like when Steven Spielberg
goes to a pool party,
people don't ask him, "Hey, you gonna
bring Jaws to the pool party?"
It just doesn't happen, so...
Yeah, I don't think anybody
really cares about the cat.
It's a B-52 bomber.
Come on, eat it.
Show 'em how to do that.
- Dale?
- Huh? Hey, hon.
Um, I'm working, what are
these people doing filming here?
My wife's not really
a fan of the videos.
Um, she's very vocal
about it.
Which is good, it's good
to have honest criticism,
because you need that.
She's also very vocal
about the fact
that she's the sole breadwinner
in our household.
And she is
personally responsible
for a lot of the weapon systems
that keep America safe.
So in a way, she's like
a real-life Tony Stark.
Which, I guess, you know,
makes me Hawkeye.
He's... he's tough, right?
Why's everybody shrugging?
I told you
about this a couple times.
I should've reminded you.
These guys are with
the, uh, "Chris!" show.
And Lucy's up getting
her own TV show.
- It's kind of a big deal.
- Yeah, okay.
Everyone in the neighborhood's
all freaking out.
That's great.
Um, I've got a late meeting,
so I'm gonna go.
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay, uh, you need to shave.
Oh, right. Oh, yeah, sorry.
Yeah, Brian, hi.
- Yeah, sorry, family shit.
- All right.
There goes your mom.
That's Go-Go Mary.
Always on the go.
You'll see a high 78
in the Valley.
74 in the low-laying regions
as things heat up when we head
into the Fourth of July...
Sorry about that, folks.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, it's coming.
Cut it! Cut it!
Oh, my God, I'm shitting.
I'm shitting my pants!
Oh, my God,
I'm shitting my pants!
I'm shitting myself!
I'm shitting myself!
Oh! Oh!
Okay, first thoughts
on jokes I should say.
Hey, that's a lot of
number two.
Hey, buddy, you're supposed
to be looking out
- for number one.
- Oh, that's good.
That's really good.
My fans will love that.
Uh, he should've
forecast mudslides.
Most people don't know this,
but comedians like myself,
have a team of writers.
And when I started my show,
I received a bunch of emails
from these three kids
that were huge fans of mine.
And I met up with them
and they were just so funny
and so nice.
Three little gentlemen.
- She's awesome.
- Super funny, super cool.
It's really cool working
with someone like that.
We try to hug her
as much as we can.
What do you think of
your chances of winning?
Yeah, I think I have
a really good chance to win.
Um, I'm the only woman
doing comedy,
so I'm kind of
representing them.
And so I'll for sure get
all the votes
from the women.
And then I'll get
all the votes from the men.
that's like all the votes.
- And we can't mop
- No
- No we won't mop
- No
'Cause we don't have
any buckets
And without water
we can't clean it
- Yeah, yeah
- It's our party
I work really hard.
You know, like,
I don't even sleep sometimes.
Trying to make
all these parodies,
so much time,
so much effort.
And for what,
one video a month?
I mean,
talk about being a slave.
But what I did find out
is I could do more videos
if I just keep the cost
and the quality down.
So I do daily videos,
or as I call them, daily vlogs.
Basically, it's anything
I wanna do that day.
You know, like sometimes
I whip out my phone
when me and my squad
are like rolling through a jam
trying to blow some cake.
Sometimes me and my boys
will just, like,
do some dope-ass challenge.
Sometimes I get real, you know,
and it gets deep A-F
when I talk about things
that are really important to me.
You know, like rape.
Hey, what's up, employees?
Okay, I am so excited
right now
because I'm meeting up
with Hanky Pank.
Oh, there he is.
- Hanky Pank.
- Hey.
We got chosen to be
one of the finalists
in the "Chris!" show
Web Star of the Year Award!
- Yes!
- Oh! Oh! Okay.
When we see you at WebCon,
we're coming.
- We're on our way tomorrow.
- We leave tomorrow.
We will give you all hugs
and kisses on the lips.
We'll do anything
you guys want.
Please, please, please,
we never ask you for anything.
- Okay, except for like merch.
- And ringtones.
Obviously, but right now,
this is so much bigger
than any of that.
If you guys vote,
we can have our own show.
And then you can tell your friends,
like, "Oh, my favorite show?"
My favorite show is
'The Tomas Show.'"
Like featuring Hank.
Hank is...
Well, he's kinda like
my brother, you know?
We hang out all the time.
We, uh, make videos together.
If I need something from the store, like
last minute, he's down to go get it.
He takes me everywhere.
He's basically my Uber.
And he's my best friend.
Right now, he's trying to do
his own thing.
You know,
start his own channel.
And, uh,
it's going pretty...
Hey, say hi to
the Hanky Panks.
- Hey, Hanky Panks!
- See, I told you.
Between you and me,
there's no Hanky Panks.
They're just employees trying to see a
glimpse of the boss in the background,
but I humor him.
'Cause, you know,
he's sweet.
And I think it gives him
a sense of worth.
Which is good,
he needs that.
Thank you.
I feel like a princess.
No problem,
Your Majesty.
Don't you guys
have school this week?
Yeah, our parents
have no idea where we are.
Parents think
I'm staying with Doug.
And my parents think
I'm staying with Kevin.
Kevin doesn't
have any parents.
- Shut up.
- What?
It's true you don't have
any parents.
You don't have any parents.
You know,
driving can be pretty boring.
Especially on these long road
trips where you're thinking,
"Oh, God, I wish
something fun would happen."
That's where my oh-my-God-that-baby's-driving
prank comes in.
See, I get all dressed up
as my driver's seat,
I pop Lucy in my lap,
we buckle up,
and you wouldn't believe
the look on people's faces
as we drive by.
And they're thinking,
"Oh, my God.
Oh, my sweet-loving God,
is that baby driving?"
It's something that-that
they tell their friends
and their relatives.
And then one day, you got
a grandpa sitting on a porch
telling his grandkids
about the time
he saw a baby
driving a minivan.
That's real-world viral.
Veronica, Veronica.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Hi.
Hi. Oh, sweetheart.
It's so good to see you.
Please, have a seat.
Don't take the chair.
No, no, I'm joking.
Come on, bad joke.
- Jesus.
- Just put your tush
- in the chair, okay?
- Great. Thank you.
Have you ever heard
of "GoMax"?
Oh, is that the new
Channing Tatum movie?
No, it's better.
It's better.
It's the probiotic yogurt
for women on the go.
Who is gonna be
the spokesperson in this room?
It ain't gonna be me.
- Me?
- Aha.
Wait, I just got a job?
Why not?
Oh, my God, you guys,
I booked a freakin' commercial!
Oh, my gosh, I don't have to
live in this thing anymore.
This freakin' car-house.
No way!
Not for me, Jose!
I am going to be
going places!
I'm out, I'm out.
Okay, I'm out of
the competition.
Done. Boop. Done.
Don't have to do that anymore.
I'm just excited because
I'm gonna get to something
that has substance.
Something that matters.
And it has nothing to do
with "The Wobbly Walk."
I don't...
I don't have to be known
for that anymore.
You gonna hold that?
Little refill.
- Oh, thank you.
- How's those waffles treating ya?
Um, just wanna say
that these waffles...
- not good.
- Oh, I'm so sorry about that.
'Cause they're the best waffles
I've ever had in my life.
I goosed ya.
I got ya good, right?
You mind tellin' me what
kind of breakfast establishment
doesn't have any
cran-raspberry syrup, huh?
You got the cranberry.
You got the raspberry.
- Where's the cran-ras?
- These drunk truckers get pretty rowdy.
- Sorry about that.
- No, I'm sorry about that.
Will you hold my baby?
- Uh, sure.
- I'ma take care of this.
You just hold my baby.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm gonna have to ask you to
lower your voice just a smidge.
Who you calling "smidge"?
I didn't realize you were the waitress.
I'm not the waitress,
I'm a man.
And I don't see
any raspberry syrup.
I'ma give you one chance
to pay your bill
and get the heck outta here.
I just spit
on your sandals.
First mistake.
Those are cute little
princess punches.
Get up.
Anyone hungry for
some waffles, huh?
- You ready?
- Please don't.
- Keep it going?
- Please, no.
Oh, my God.
That's One Scared Baby.
It's a prank.
Means I was goosing you.
That was a goose.
This is called the prestige.
Uh, feel free to clap.
Everybody, let's give
a big hand to Red.
Red's part of our local
community theatre,
and he's a heck of
a guy, too, huh?
- Please.
- Thank you, thank you.
All right, all right.
All right, Luce,
let's get back on the road.
- Whoo!
- What's up, ladies and gentlemen?
Hi, guys!
Yes, we are riding in the Lambo!
- Lambo.
- Uh, we're on our way to WebCon right now.
And honestly, I'm just really excited to
see our people, you know what I mean?
Like see the people who have
put us in this Lambo, basically.
Once you start getting into the
hundreds of millions of views,
you start to forget, like those
are people, you know what I mean?
Do you hear that?
Wait, what is that?
Hank, what did
I tell you?!
I told you if you wanted me
to get the Lambo
so we could vlog in it, you
would have to take care of it!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Be careful with...
You know what?
I'm Snapchatting
this whole thing.
- Yeah, buddy. Yeah, right now!
- He's Snapchatting this.
How we supposed to
get to WebCon?
This is ridiculous.
You know what
they're trying to tell me?
That I was supposed to
put oil in the engine.
Nobody told me that, Dad!
I'm gonna sue.
You know,
I went to Brown.
I work about...
60 hours a week
for 84 grand a year.
And my son,
who dropped out community
college first semester,
he's pulling in
over six figures a month
by tickle fighting
his little gay friend.
So you can say...
I'm proud of him.
Hi, eh, this is
my fifth WebCon.
It's my favorite thing ever.
We save up money every year
to come out here from Vermont.
We drive all the way.
It's kind of a bummer
we got here a little early,
so today's business day.
And everyone knows
only the loser channels
come in on business day.
It's cool.
Like, um, we get to, like,
see a lot of corporate booths.
It's pretty...
it's pretty cool
they can air condition
this many people.
Oh, my shining stars,
you're here.
Uh, hi,
my name is Dave Larson.
I have, uh, asked
the organizers of WebCon
if I could help out in anyway
and really volunteer.
I don't like to
work for money.
Um, which is how I got to...
where I am now.
Dennis Wasserman,
Oh, you do not have to
tell me who you are.
Believe me, I'm-I'm really
your biggest fan.
In fact,
Dennis, if I may,
I've probably seen more
of Mr. Blankets
than I do of my own kids.
So what's it looking like?
How's the turn out?
The turn out's really good.
The panel is packed.
And I mean heavy
with talent.
Yeah, well,
if it's all right,
I prepared a brief
PowerPoint presentation
on some of my directorial
influences in film,
- and I can keep it under 15.
- Great.
It's 3:00.
How's it go?
Time to rock. Let's go.
Okay, good,
so let's try a take here.
So, uh, you've got that, like,
you're clutching your stomach.
You know, it's that kind of troubled
but you have a constipated motion
that leads into your walk.
And then you...
you sing the song.
- That's it.
- The song?
I... Oh, I didn't
know I was singing.
I-I don't sing.
And I don't
really direct either.
Let's try a take.
Man: Okay, everyone, pictures up.
Let's roll camera.
- Okay.
- Rolling.
And action.
There is a house
in New Orleans
They call
the rising sun
- Cut!
- That's a cut. Reset, please.
What's... what...
what are you... what are you...
You're singing...
There's no song.
What... It just came to me.
I didn't see as script.
Look, I wanted to license
"Chocolate Rain,"
which would've been perfect.
I was gonna make it rain
chocolate yogurt.
That was the concept here,
but we got you.
That kid,
too expensive.
So here's the deal, you're gonna
do your little dance in the video,
the one everyone knows,
the wobble thing,
and then you pick up the GoMax
yogurt and sing the song.
Okay? Sound Good?
- I can't.
- Can't what?
- It's not mine. I didn't do it.
- Wait, let me follow this.
You-you don't...
you don't do the song?
I mean, it was
added later by a guy.
He did a techno remix.
She doesn't do...
She just does the dan...
Nobody checked on this?
There's a social media advisor.
Get off your phone!
Let's get that Chocolate Rain
guy back on the phone.
I don't care
what his rate is.
You can go.
So I'm here...
at the convention.
The con...
the big contest.
It's great being here.
Um, I'm so glad
that they let me back in
the competition.
So I could compete
for a one-in-five chance
to have my own TV show.
So if you won,
what would your show be about?
I... I would
just want a show
that would be important
to people.
Would... would matter.
I-I would want a show
that has substance and...
just make a difference
in people's lives.
I feel like that
would be awesome.
And I know that they're
gonna probably call me.
"The Wobbly Walk girl."
And they're gonna just have it
be by my name and everything,
but I'm...
I'm here to tell
everybody that
they have to be okay
with the fact that
I'm never doing that again.
I'm never gonna do
"The Wobbly Walk" again.
- "Wobbly Walk."
- O-M-G!
- "The Wobbly Walk"!
- Hey, you don't mind...
"The Wobbly Walk" girl
is here!
It's her!
It's you!
- You don't mind, right?
- Oh, my God.
- - Wait, I'm
gonna take one, too. Okay.
God, I feel like I'm walking
underneath a shoe.
Shh. Tomas, don't upset
the commoners.
I don't give a, Hank.
Okay, this has been
the worst day of my life.
Can you just support me
right now?
Oh, my God,
you're Tomas and Hank.
Can I get a picture?
This is my Katrina.
I think that blouse
looks a lot better on you.
- Whoa.
- I have this one, guys.
Oh, it looks like
they only gave us one bed.
- Oh, this is an outrage.
- I'm calling management right now.
- Don't worry, Amber, we got this.
- What?
No, guys, it's fine.
We'll share.
All right,
let's get this started.
Thank you, each and every
one of you, for coming.
And, actually,
with this turn out,
I will be able to thank
each and every one of you
privately, which is great.
There's something called
the strategic inflexion point.
That's when you sort of
show up out in society
and you realize that everyone's
speaking another language.
I didn't understand what the
hell anyone was talking about.
It was literally
like I walk out,
and I talk to a person
who's younger than 40,
and he's like...
That's what it
sounded like to me.
But then I thought
when you reach that point
and everyone's speaking
you better find out
what they're talking about.
Turned out they were talking
about the Internet.
I'm director
Dennis Wasserman.
Welcome to the art
of filmmaking.
Stanley Kubrick.
Orson Welles.
These aren't just names,
they're filmmakers.
But what is filmmaking?
- Yes.
- Yes, uh, hi, question.
When are you gonna
bring out Mr. Blankets?
Wait, you know
Mr. Blankets?
He's... he's having
a cat nap.
No, seriously,
where's the cat?
I waited 45 minutes to make
a Vine with Mr. Blankets.
He's... Does anyone have
any questions about filmmaking?
- Forget it.
- Uh, wow!
Way to go.
Way to speak out loud.
Let's, uh, let's do that.
Let's go ahead and open this up
to a... to a Q and A.
Are there any questions at all?
Anything at all, fire away.
Yes, ma'am.
My question's for Kimmycam.
Would you rather have
all of your clothes
made out of nachos
or ice cream?
- Thank you.
- Ice cream, definitely.
Hey, that's
a really good question.
Let's just open it up to the panel,
let's just go right down the line.
Texas Mike, ice cream
or nachos for clothes?
I don't know,
they're both pretty messy.
I think ice cream
would just be way too cold.
Ice cream.
I can take it.
Love you, Prank-A-Lank!
You always say
what's on your mind.
Well, I, for one,
am definitely wearing nachos,
so I guess we got a tie.
And a tiebreaker, Dennis.
Which is it gonna be?
Ice cream or nachos
for clothing?
Uh, hey.
Hey, whoa, Dennis.
Hey, what the hell?
We'll be right back, folks.
Dennis, hey, hey.
Come on, you came all this way.
Don't you want to, uh,
talk to your fellow filmmakers?
What, so they can ask me what my
favorite jellybean flavor is?
You're all bullshit!
Wake up!
Huh, wha... Hey.
Where you...
What is your favorite
jellybean col...
Okay, and we'll just squiggly it. Yep.
He wants your auto.
There you go.
Oh, my God,
That's One Scared Baby.
I so have to take a selfie,
like, right now.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Uh, sorry, how old are you?
- 14.
I'm Tigerfish91 from Instagram.
I have a million followers.
A millions followers?
Holy smokes.
Well, you must be some kind of
sensation. What do you do?
I take pictures of myself.
- Wow, you sure don't like pants.
- Thanks.
Do your parents
know about this?
My parents want me
to be famous.
I've been doing commercials
and modeling since I was six.
It's pretty much my job.
My mom said if I book
one more commercial,
I'll have enough
for a nose job.
Then I'm pretty much a shoo-in
for modeling in New York.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
So shipping is when...
You take two people who you think
are totally meant for each other...
And you say
that you "ship" them.
Which is basically like putting
them together as a couple.
So Hank and Tomas
become Hamas!
And then we pretend
like they are married.
And then they do stuff
that married people usually do.
Like sex things.
Which is great because
they're straight in real life,
so we have to fantasize.
You wanna maybe help me
with one of these bags?
Oh, sorry, my phone's kinda
heavy. I got a MoFi on it.
- Oh, my God, it's Tomas Butterman.
- And Hank Delacord.
This is what happens
when we walk into a lobby!
All right, I gotta pee,
so let's do this fast.
- Checking-in.
- What's your name?
why don't you take five?
I'm Janet.
Thank you guys so much
for making it out.
I mean, making out.
I mean, making it.
- I mean, hi.
- Hi.
Can we check-in?
Oh, of course.
I'm so sorry about Meredith.
She's so basic.
Oh, shoot!
They have you and Hank
in one hotel room.
I... I will get that
straightened out right away.
- No!
- Uh, no, no, no, we'll be cool.
- We'll rough it.
- Oh, friendship goals.
Um, and can somebody
take these freaking bags?
- They're digging into me.
- Of course.
Wouldn't want to piss off
the boss.
- Oh, are you an employee?
- Yes.
Oh, good. Keep working,
you might get promoted.
- Ooh, thanks.
- Ooh, really quick.
Before I go, can I just
get a picture of you?
Just wanna prove to my friends that it's
not just kids that watch my videos.
- It's old people.
- Aw.
Stay gorgeous.
Can I have a hug?
I'm gonna go shower.
- What's the plan?
- Dude, she's begging us to go in there.
Think about it, you don't just take
a shower after a day of travel.
- She wants us.
- Yeah.
Okay, we get naked,
we lock hands,
- we go in there together.
- That's not a very good plan.
It's a plan. I never said it was a
good plan. But it's a plan, okay?
We go in there together,
in solidarity,
she'll know
we're down to party.
Hey, guys, can one of
you grab my makeup wipes?
It's in my toiletry bag.
Get off me!
Okay, guys, stop.
Okay, you guys know I'm the best
describer of the group,
I go in, I come back, and you
know I'm perfectly capable
of telling you her body
in intimate detail.
Wha... But I'm the best...
I-I'm the be...
I'm-I'm very good at...
Never mind, I'm good.
Hi. I'm here.
And you are whom?
Dennis Wasserman,
the filmmaker.
I get 15 million
views a month.
I'm sorry,
but you're not listed.
I... I'm not listed?
Did you eat my invitation?
Did you think
it was a cupcake?
Because I'm a nominee.
Oh, you're a nominee.
'Cause I'm pretty sure
their names are Tomas Butterman,
- Lucy Hand, Mr. Blankets, and...
- Mr. Blankets.
Oh, my God! Mr. Blankets!
- Oh, where is he?
- He's a cat. I'm a person.
Well, how do I know
you're not just some random guy
saying that's your cat?
Okay, I'm gonna need to speak
with your supervisor.
Or did you eat her, too?
I am the supervisor.
I organized this event.
And I do not see
your name on the list.
I have Mr. Blankets
and a plus-one.
No, moron, you need to
let me into my event.
- I'm a nominee!
- Security!
Oh, what's up?
Okay, okay.
They want a cat?
I'll give 'em a cat.
I'll give 'em the cutest
goddamn cat they've ever seen
in their lives.
- Hey.
- Oh, these are free.
No, no, um, I know you.
- I've seen you before.
- Oh, yeah.
"Wobbly Walk."
I get it.
No, no, no.
You were fantastic as Maggie
in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."
You saw that?
Xander. Hold on.
- Uh, hi, Veronica.
- I'll take your cup of pretzels.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Okay.
- What do... what do you do, Xander?
- Music.
Uh, online mostly,
but I'm trying to transition
into more mainstream stuff.
'Cause I'm really sick of being
an Internet person, so...
- I hear you on that one.
- Yeah.
- It's, um, it's the worst.
- Yeah.
It's absolutely the worst.
I got something
important to ask you.
Can I have one of
those pretzels?
- I guess we could share.
- Please. Thank you so much.
- Yeah, there's a lot over there, but...
- Mm-mm.
- I want one out of your pretzel cup.
- Okay, all right, that's...
Holy smokes,
I got three missed messages.
I don't know about you guys,
but that makes me
Mr. Popular in my house.
How do I, uh...
Oh, hey,
honey, I just got to the hotel.
It's like 4:00 a.m.
So, um, yeah,
I'm out for the night.
I'll call you
tomorrow, okay? Bye.
Wow, I don't know if you heard
that, but she called me "honey,"
so that's a pretty big deal.
Uh, I think
she butt dialed us.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Mary?
Nope, she can't hear me.
It's a voicemail.
Uh, Mary? Mary?
Nah, she... it's her voicemail.
She can't hear me.
- Yes.
- Oh, God.
Oh, you guys feel that?
I got like a chill
in the room here.
Well, uh,
I don't know about you guys,
but I gotta
call it a night.
I'm so tired.
- Whoo! Magic number!
- Ooh, first time.
- This is tight.
- Hotel for a baller.
Wow, this is
a really great room.
- Man, mm.
- Yeah.
Don't worry, I got you.
- Ahem.
- Whoa!
Oh, man, those are...
that's the camera guy.
- Hey, guys.
- I get it.
- You...
- I'll tell them to leave.
You guys, I know you...
I know you...
You gotta go
'cause there's gonna be some...
- Just get out.
- Your TV show just went X-rated.
Oh, yeah.
They like that.
Oh, yeah. What, are these
your business cards?
Business cards.
- This is, um...
- Where were we?
- Is this... this is you?
- Yeah.
Is this a joke?
You're LOL Zordon?
You didn't know?
I don't know how
you think I would know
that you were LOL Zordon.
- You ruined my life.
- How? What?!
You took a video
that nobody else would see,
and you-you made it
like this thing, this joke.
- You made me a joke.
- The whole world has seen that video.
- You might have your own TV show.
- Yeah, I could have that.
You're right,
I could totally have that
in a way that
I didn't even want.
Well, maybe you should
flip your perspective a bit.
I think you need to go.
So you ready for the big show?
Announcer: And now, filming live
from the Anaheim Convention Center
in sunny
Southern California.
It's time for "Chris!"
And here's your host,
Welcome, good morning,
good morning.
Today is a very special show,
because we're going to crown
the Web Star of the Year.
And now, it's time
to meet our judges.
Our first judge
is a renowned soul singer
and current host of "HURRY!
Buy this Jewelry NOW!,"
Karen Raye Quivers!
Oh, hey, Chris.
I'm so excited to be here...
for a limited time only.
Our second judge
is a real cutup.
He's always pulling pranks
around the office.
Meet Frank Riggits.
Our third judge
is a comic icon.
You know him
from that hilarious trilogy,
"Don't Tell Mom
I Got Turned Into a Donkey!"
It's Larry Trambone.
We'll be right back.
Is that your cat
right there?
- Uh, yeah.
- Nice, nice.
- How much you want for it?
- Excuse me?
That cat.
I'll give you $500 for it.
It's my wife's cat,
so I can't really sell it.
Tell her you took it
to the vet
and there were
He's just here
for a flea bath.
"Honey, I took the cat
to the vet."
And can you believe it?
"He drowned
in his flea bath."
Jesus, man.
The gray Ford, 2,000 cash.
Final offer for that cat.
- Bethany's coming.
- Okay.
- Should I let her back?
- Yeah.
Chris, hey, it's me.
Yes, me-me, hi.
Hey, um, I wanted to tell you
a little story about myself
- if you don't mind.
- No.
You see, I used to get picked on
and bullied every single day.
And it was really hard.
I mean, I'd come home
with red eyes
and tear-covered cheeks.
And I got made fun of a lot
'cause we were poor
and I couldn't really afford
clothes like these, you know?
- I smelt like a friggin' thrift store.
- Oh.
But every day,
I would see my best friend
at 3:00 p.m. without fail.
And his name was Chris.
You helped me
through so much.
And I don't think I'd be here
if it wasn't for you.
And I just wanted to say
thank you and...
man, I love you.
I think that you...
are a very special
young man.
And I will always
be your friend.
- Really?
- Always.
Come here.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Did you get it?
- Every freakin' word.
Oh, my God,
that angle, though.
That's gonna get so many views.
Let's go.
Oh, miss, no-no, thanks.
Yeah, she's a baby. Yeah.
She's literally 14 months old.
I just don't think she needs it.
Thank you.
She's a little baby.
Hey, has anyone seen Mr.
- He's a cat.
- Oh, no, sir.
Been looking all over
for the guy.
Okay, well,
this guy's a real no-show.
I guess I can just put him at the
end and we'll see what happen...
Copy that.
Okay, everybody,
I have your main man
for the evening.
Please welcome
the one and only Chris.
Hey, ha ha ha!
All of you in one room.
This is amazing.
I'm so glad you guys made it.
- I am such a huge fan, sir.
- Me of you, me of you.
- May I?
- Oh, yeah.
Hello, hello.
Wow, it's a tough crowd.
Hi, Chris.
- Hey.
- I'm so excited to be working with you.
Well, I've always thought that
you've two have got a lot of talent.
Good one, Chris.
Now, listen, I know you guys are used to
the isolation of being in your basement
and looking into your video cameras
and everything, but here's the deal.
It's exactly like it is
at home right here.
Except that there's about
12 cameras, okay?
And about 8,000 people in the house, maybe
another ten or 20 million watching.
All right, so no need to be
nervous or anything.
But if you feel
like you gotta hurl,
just make sure you do it before
you get out on stage, okay?
All right, now, uh...
this little host has
to host his own little show now.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'll see you later.
And listen,
good luck to you, okay?
- Bye.
- So long, Chris.
Okay, everybody,
this is how it's gonna go.
All right, you'll do a quick
introduction, they'll roll tape,
you'll do
your live performances.
Keep it under two minutes,
please, guys.
- What?!
- Live performance... no, no, no.
Nobody... nobody said there
was gonna be a live performance.
I didn't know anything
about a live performance,
so I don't think
we're doing it.
- Yeah, nobody told us about that.
- Yeah.
Uh, guys, I don't know
what to tell you.
It's a talent competition,
so it's why you're here.
Well, I guess we'll just have
to whip something up for ya.
Uh, speaking of which,
I have a very special celebrity
talent coach, Mr. Tay Zonday.
Hey, guys,
it's gonna be great.
Just believe in yourselves,
and, yeah...
I don't know
what else to tell you.
Great. Awesome.
Yeah, let's get the photo.
Okay, we parked out back?
- Yeah, right around the corner.
- And what was the point of that?
Five minutes, guys.
What do we do?
What do we do? What do we do?
Our top finalists
worked around the clock
with our special celebrity
talent coach Tay Zonday.
Here are some special moments
from that day.
I was so impressed by the
talent in this competition.
Working with them all
so closely, I can safely say,
it's gonna be very hard to predict
how this thing shakes out.
I did everything I could to give
them all the tools they needed.
And anything they didn't
get from me in person,
they can get in my newly released
book called, "Buy My Book."
Available in stores right now.
Buy it.
Just don't ask me what's in it.
Thank you.
Some people read
Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
Others, the "Way of
the Peaceful Warrior."
I just grab a minute with Tay Zonday.
He gave us a minute.
Thanks for watching
the "Chris!" show.
It's Chris.
We'll be right back.
Amber, you're on
in two minutes, okay?
- All right.
- Excuse me, guys, sorry.
Oh, no. Okay.
Writers, what do I do?
You could tell some jokes.
I know this one joke about
two guys that walk into church.
One knows about science,
and one knows about God,
but that ain't
no two minutes, man.
You're probably just going to have to
take it all off and show them the goods.
The goods! That's it!
I'll do Mrs. Cloudbottom.
But my costume's upstairs,
can one of you get it in time?
- I'm on it.
- But, Doug, you're not so fast.
Today, I'm gonna have to be.
Excuse me.
It's going to be okay, Amber.
I-I'm really sorry.
I'm terrible at time management.
- You're on right now, okay?
- Wait...
Come on, baby, come on.
Right now.
Just... just think of
Eddie Murphy.
Our first finalist
is a "comedian"
with over
a half billion views.
Please give it up
for Amber Day.
Hi, TV people!
So, Amber, if you get your own
show on the boob tube,
what the heck
are you gonna do?
I just wanna
make people laugh.
So it will most definitely be
a funny show.
Thank you.
Okay, save some of that comedy
for your own show.
Let's roll the clip,
shall we?
Hey, Amber. Amber.
So the video is four minutes,
so that means that you have...
four minutes.
Oh, God.
- We can do the Miley spoof "We Can't Mop."
- No!
Everybody's already seen
"We Can't Mop," Hank.
It has 100 million views.
How 'bout The Weeknd?
The new Weeknd spoof?
No, "I Can't Find My Vase"
isn't ready yet.
Amber, I'm coming for you!
How's it going, Dale?
Oh, uh, not too good, no.
Um, it's been
a tough couple days.
I guess I just...
I just see
perpetual darkness around me.
I don't really see anything, uh,
too hopeful, other than Lucy.
But, um, I don't...
I don't see much for Dale.
So, uh...
But next week's
my birthday, so...
- Coming through.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Restricted access, sir.
Why don't you check your clipboard
there for Mr. Blankets?
Is that Mr. Blankets?
It's a cat.
Get in there.
It's started. Sorry, sir.
We have Mr. Blankets.
I did it! I got 'em!
Oh, my God,
Doug, you are amazing!
All right, I'm gonna go to
the changing room real quick.
- Go, go.
- No, don't go anywhere, Amber.
- We're back on in 30 seconds.
- Oh, my God.
- What are we gonna do?
- Okay.
Kevin, Doug, I need you guys
to watch this area, all right?
I'm not wearing
any underwear.
Carlos, look at me.
I need you to help me
get dressed.
- Okay.
- Here you go.
All right, let's go.
All right,
it's coming off.
Okay, it's coming down.
- Oh, my gosh, it's so cold in here.
- You need a hand?
Bra. Okay.
How about the original? The original
that you've been working on.
- No.
- Yes!
Why not?
Think about it.
The entire world
is watching us.
This is where we can show that you
are not just a parody artist.
You're an artist.
Okay, underwear.
Okay, how do I look?
Amber! Amber! You're on right now.
Go. Go, go, go.
Good luck.
Wow, well,
gee whiz, Amber.
Those tapes were very...
bouncy and perky.
I'm not Amber.
I'm Mrs. Cloudbottom,
the Dogcatcher.
Are there any dogs out here
for me to catch?
Whenever I see a dog
off the leash,
I got a real bone to pick
with the owner.
How are we supposed to write the
jokes when she's on the stage?
- We did write the jokes.
- Shut up, Doug, be constructive.
Come on, guys, think.
I'm a dogcatcher,
and my name is Mrs. Cloudbottom.
Take it off!
- Ruff, ruff, man.
- Whoa!
Looks like
we got a live one.
Oh, definitely neuter.
Wow, great job, Amber.
I mean, Miss Cloudbreast.
Way to pull that one
out of your net.
Okay, judges,
what do you gotta say?
Karen Raye Quivers.
You know, no judgment,
but when I first met you,
I thought,
"Now there is a girl
I just don't trust."
She's fake. She's got fake hair.
A fake face.
Looks like she done
bought it at a store.
And I thought
the nerve of this woman.
She probably never worked a day
in her whole damn life.
She got beady,
cold, evil-wall eyes.
You know, the kind
that just follow you.
You can't escape them
no matter where you go.
No matter what you do.
No matter what God you pray to.
But then, you totally
turned it around.
Good for you. You got my vote.
Um, you know,
it started out kinda "ruff."
Then it ended up
kinda "grr-eat."
So that was,
um, something.
Um, I would, uh,
scratch behind her ears
if given the opportunity.
And, uh, she deserves a treat.
Good girl, good girl.
Oh, somebody
better call an ambulance
because my heart
just stopped.
You are funny and pretty.
That's a w-w-w-winning combo.
Gosh, Larry, we miss you
on the silver screen.
We'll be right back.
Way to save the Titanic,
lady dog. Good job.
Oh, my God.
You guys are amazing.
Mwah. Mwah.
Tell us everything.
Size, shape, color... you are by far
the best describer of the group.
Was it like magic?
Was it like we dreamed of?
It was amazing, man.
There was nipples everywhere.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- Keep going, keep going.
- And when she... she took off the bra,
they were free
and they were bigger than ever.
- They were big?
- They were huge.
I-I saw everything, man.
They were big.
- But I saw it, I saw it.
- You saw it.
- I saw it.
- My boy.
I panicked.
I had my shot,
and I-I freakin' blew it.
I shut my eyes so tight.
All I could see is blackness.
100% black.
Is that the cat?
Oh, thank God you're here.
Is everything okay? Look, Diane,
will you get him a water, please?
Oh, Diane, make that
a room temp, okay, sweetie?
Please welcome Tomas "The Parody
Boss" and his little friend Hank.
Or as you may know them...
- What a sweet young man.
- Great to see you again, bro.
Yeah, we definitely
have never met.
- Yeah, we met that... that one time.
- No, never happened.
- You're one of my Hanky Panks.
- What the is that?
What the
is a "Hanky Pank"?
Okay, so, let's uh,
let's roll the tape, shall we?
Actually, uh, we're gonna do something
a little bit different today.
Because right now, we're gonna
be performing an original song!
And it's gonna be banging!
Okay, I have no idea
what that means.
It means it's gonna be
All right, well, here we go.
No tape.
Here they are,
Tomas and Hank performing.
I love you, Hamas!
Yo, I know God said
no false idols
But I talk to God
and we chill so
You can pray to Tomas
I'll get you
through it all
It started
as a little boy
I used to dream
of what life could be
I've checked
all the boxes now
That I'm on frickin' TV
I am, I am
I'm everything
Yeah, I am
I am
I'm everything, yeah
When I was
a little boy
My teacher asked
what we wanna be
Most kids said astronaut
The answer
should've been me
Now I make more money
in a month
Than my teacher
made in a year
And all those kids from
my class will kill themselves
When they see me here
I am...
I'm done.
I am absolutely done.
So go tell Chris
that I'm not doing it,
'cause I'm not doing
"The Wobbly Walk."
Veronica, if you leave,
you could get sued.
You signed a contract, and you
will be held liable for damages.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Life goals, dream goals
House goals, car goals
Boy goals, girl goals
Equal goals,
whatever goals
Sleep goals,
teeth goals
Tan goals, cash goals
Squad goals,
all the goals
If you Google search goals
you'll just see pictures of me
I am, I am
I'm everything
Yeah, I am
I am
I'm everything
Do "Heathers," come on!
Why didn't you do "Moo, moo"?
Wow, fellas, that was...
that was really loud.
Uh, let's... let's check-in
with our judges.
- Karen?
- Oh, honey.
Honey, I have got to say,
that was the worst piece of shit
I've ever seen in my life.
You done flung horse manure
all over this room.
We're all sitting in it,
just covered in it.
And you couldn't sell a performance if
you broke it into four easy payments,
and you have gold
just dripping out your butthole.
Honey, you need to stop. Do us
all a goddamn favor and quit.
Chris, I'm a no.
I'm a hell to the no.
Okay, okay.
Oh, gosh, where's Frank?
It's me, it was me.
I was kidding.
That was bad.
That was real bad.
Frank, you are such a cutup.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
That should be easy.
I'm like right in
your field of vision.
All right,
and do I even ask?
Do I even dare to ask?
No... no.
Don't come near me.
Don't come near me
with that!
I'm not numb! No! No!
Ah! Ah!
- - Okay,
I think Larry's simulating
dental work out there.
I didn't like it.
All right, thanks, guys.
Let's give it up.
- Tough break.
- Eat a dick.
Tomas, Tomas, hey, look.
You looked great out there.
Hair looks great.
- I know!
- Okay, the fans vote, okay? Not the judges.
We got this in
the freakin' bag.
- Yeah?
- No.
You... Yes.
What do you mean "no"? Yes.
Next up is a real crybaby.
I mean, literally.
Her hilarious, frightened reactions
have captivated the world.
This girl is going to be
a huge star.
Please welcome to the stage little
baby Lucy and her daddy Dale.
Okay, I, uh, I think
it might be a good time
to roll Dale's video montage
chronicling the life
of little baby Lucy.
- Yay! Whoo!
- Whoo!
Hey, where's Mommy?
There she is. Say hi.
There is no God.
Aren't you sweet?
"It's not my dragon.
His spots are too shiny."
- Walking, okay.
- Learning how to walk.
Learning how to walk.
All right, who wants another dog?
These things are going pretty quick.
Anybody? Show of hands.
Oh, my God.
Oh... oh, God.
Okay, this isn't a joke.
Ah! This isn't a joke!
Dale's burning! Dale's burning!
- Peekaboo.
- Baby elevator.
- Hello.
- Look at that. Up.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what's happening?
What's happening?
Oh, my God!
Please, don't take my daughter!
Please, don't take my daughter!
Please, just don't
take my daughter!
That was one scared baby.
Now, Dale,
you have two minutes
to give these folks
the show of their lives.
Now, what prank
are we gonna see?
She really... she really
was a scared baby, huh?
I was... I was thinking
that, uh...
I have been scaring
baby Lucy
pretty much
every single week
for her entire life so far.
And, uh...
Well, you know what
I learned this weekend?
I think the world is
a scary enough place as it is
without me dressing up like
"Bram Stoker's Dracula"
and getting staked
by vampire hunters
and turned into dust,
you know?
I know a lot of you people in
Hollywood are watching right now
and you're thinking
you want a piece of baby Lucy.
sorry, but this baby's
not for sale.
She doesn't want any
of your rock cocaine
or your fast cars
or your stripper dancers
or whatever it is
you're thinking about.
Not this baby, all right?
Sometimes you gotta
put family first.
I think it's high time
I put my family first.
Boy, I'm kinda sad I didn't
get to do my show, though.
I was gonna come out and give
a speech similar to this one,
but then about halfway through,
I get taken out by a sniper.
- - Sorry,
Miguel, it's off, all right?
Calling it. Yep.
Thanks, bud.
Look, Luce, wave at Miguel.
It's Miguel from church.
All right.
Yeah, I'm wearing,
uh, about 19 squibs
and three and a half pounds
of lamb meat.
That was gonna explode out of
my chest and lower gut area.
Uh, all over the floor.
And, um, yeah, that would've been
one heck of a scared baby, huh?
We forfeit the competition.
- You can all go home.
- No, no, nobody go home.
We, uh, we still...
we still have not decided...
- Oh, oops.
- who the winner is yet.
- Whoops.
- So...
- Uh, just pop a squat over here?
- No, no, I think...
I think it might be time
for you to leave.
- Okay, all right, okay.
- All right.
- Barry.
- Well, bye, America.
- - Hey,
Lucy, say, "Bye, America."
Bye. Bye, America.
Hey, hey, hey,
I'm... I'm with that guy.
I-I don't think I can
do this performance.
Is there anyway
we can just skip it?
Yeah, okay, after what just
happened, no, absolutely not.
You know her
just by the way she walks.
Veronica Decker,
"The Wobbly Walk."
And you're on.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Now, Veronica,
your "Wobbly Walk" video
has nearly a billion views
and counting.
People cannot get enough
of that dance.
In a way,
you started a "wobolution."
How does it make you feel?
Well, um...
at first, I thought I was gonna
have to fake my own death.
Let's just face it,
it's just a silly dance
set to music that people
like to watch
so we don't have to
talk about Syria.
Well, Veronica,
you are a natural on camera.
Well, I... I did train
as an act...
Well, since most people have
already seen Veronica's video,
let's show a reel
that shows how people feel
about "The Wobbly Walk."
It's not just a dance.
It's a feeling you get
when you see it,
and when you do it.
Girl, when I'm having
a bad day on my job,
I just turn on that video
with those people dancing
and doing "The Wobble"...
I start cracking up!
Girl, I forget
all of my troubles.
I love it.
I love to dance...
but I'm not very good.
And people would make fun
of me for even trying.
But I was at my school dance,
and I started
to "Wobbly Walk."
And I got everybody
because I could do
the dance the best.
Guys, this...
it's not just a video.
Well, Veronica, what will you
be performing for us tonight?
I will be doing
a monologue
as Abigail
from "The Crucible."
I'm kidding.
Hit it!
The Wobbly Walk,
The Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly Walk,
The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly
Wobbly, Wobbly Walk,
The Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly Walk, The Wobbly,
Wobbly, Wobbly Walk
The Wobble, Wobble,
Wobble, Wobble
Do The Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk
- You can do it
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
- If you try
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
Now shake,
shake on the floor
Come on, baby
I'm doing it,
I'm doing it
I'm doing it,
I'm doing it...
I can't even
with you right now.
Tomas, I'm sorry.
- Wobbly, Wobbly Walk
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
Do the Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
Listen, I used to think that
the music was the best part.
But you know what?
It's you Veronica.
Karen Raye Quivers,
what do you say out there?
What did you think
of Veronica?
I'm gonna be frank with you,
I do not like you.
Chris, I do not
like this woman.
I don't like looking at you.
You know why?
'Cause you're scary.
You have that powder-white
skin you rocking.
You know what
you look like, honey?
You look like
a Civil War ghost.
I think you a witch.
And you lucky there ain't a river in
here, 'cause you know what I'd do?
I would drag your white ass and throw
it in there to see if you float.
And guess what,
the bitch don't float.
She don't!
But then you know
what you did?
You turned it around.
I liked your song.
You got my vote.
Chinese... I'm just kidding.
I can get it off.
I was kidding.
Um, yeah, that was fine.
It was good.
Frank, promise me
you'll do stand-up.
I'm seated, Chris.
- I'm seated.
- Okay.
Larry, I think
we're gonna move on.
Chris, Chris, could you hold on
just for a second?
There's something under the
desk. I don't know what it is.
Oh, here it comes.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Here it comes!
It's a knockout punch!
Make it stop, Chris!
Make it stop!
That's gotta hurt.
Veronica Decker, everybody!
Our final contestant
is a personal favorite of mine.
Now, I know there are a lot of cat
videos out there on the Internet,
but none that are quite as cute
as this furry little friend.
Please welcome
Mr. Blankets and his...
I love Mr. Blankets!
Hello, kitty.
Chris, I've got a bone
to pick with you.
You forgot to introduce me.
I'm the filmmaker.
- Dennis Wasserman.
- Hey, that's not the cat!
- That's not Mr. Blankets.
- That is not Mr. Blankets.
Mr. Blankets
is a brown tabby.
Everyone knows that
Mr. Blankets is a brown tabby.
That's an orange tabby.
No, no, no, this is...
this is him.
This... It's just...
It was a long trip and he...
he looks different in real life.
- O...
- No way that that could happen.
Okay, you know what,
can we please get a picture up,
please, of Mr. Blankets?
Okay, that is not
Mr. Blankets!
No, no, no,
this is his friend.
I didn't bring him.
This is... this is Mr. Duvet.
We hate Mr. Duvet.
We want Mr. Blankets!
Security. Security. Somebody...
somebody call security!
I am Mr. Blankets!
- I made him!
- He's a cat!
I'm the nominee!
I made the videos!
He's a cat!
Boo this! Boo this!
- you!
- you!
Wow, you are such
a sad and angry man.
Boo the angry man!
Okay, get him. There he is.
Go ahead. Go.
Well, we, uh...
we clearly have to disqualify
Mr. Blankets.
That is such a shame.
I am Mr. Blankets!
I made him!
Well, we've tabulated your votes, and
we've come up with a clear winner.
Will the remaining contestants
please take the stage?
This is the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Who will get
their very own TV show?
Will it be
the lovely Amber Day,
a.k.a. Miss Cloudbottom,
the Dogcatcher.
Or will it be Tomas
"The Parody Boss"...
and friend?
Or will it be Veronica
"The Wobbly Walk" Decker?
And the winner is...
- Tomas.
- Yes! Justice!
Oh, I knew it!
You are not the winner.
Oh... Veronica.
I hate to do this to you.
But how would you like
your own TV show?
Thank you! Whoo!
- Hit it!
- Wobbly, Wobbly Walk
Do The Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
- You can do it
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
- If you try
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
Now shake,
shake on the floor
Come on, baby
Veronica: What I wanted
to do originally was
Uh, Woody Allen movie.
Win an Oscar.
But this is... similar.
Announcer: with your
host Veronica Decker.
Hello, and welcome to
"Wobble with the Web Stars."
Where we took a show like "Dancing
with the Stars" and did it cheaper.
without further ado,
I present to you a sneak peek
of Amber Day's new character,
- Katie the Veterinarian.
- Whoo!
Hey, everyone, it's me,
Katie the Veterinarian.
Thanks for visiting, Mom.
I think this is
gonna cheer you up.
Look who came to see you.
You get that goddamn cat
out of here right now!
- Dennis...
- You ruined my life!
- Now! Now!
- Mr. Blankets.
Dale: I went through a
very messy divorce.
Though, I would call it
a category four divorce.
Lucy's out of the biz.
Uh, I wanted her to-to have
a stable environment at home
with a dad who occasionally scares
the living hell out of her.
Uh, but I stopped doing that.
Of course, uh,
I still think about it.
Uh, Lucy's doing great.
Hasn't spoken a single word...
for two years.
That doctors say
that because I spent
the vast majority
of her life,
uh, dressed up
like a swamp demon,
that that probably has
something to do with why
she's not developed
speech patterns yet.
And why she also, um,
screams in her dreams.
Nobody watches TV anymore.
I'm literally the most famous
person in the whole world.
So I have been working on
a super-secret project
that is gonna blow you away.
Tomas Butterman presents
"Harvest Moon," a vampire web series.
I can't let you do this.
It's too dangerous, Tristin.
I can't help it, Roman.
- The prophecy's too strong.
- You're too strong.
I can feel it.
All my YouTube friends
wanna be in it.
And I was like, "Uh, sorry,
real actors only."
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The Wobbly Walk,
The Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly Walk,
The Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly, Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly Walk,
The Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly, Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
The Wobble, Wobble, Wobble,
Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
Do The Wobbly Wobbly Walk
Do The Wobbly
Wobbly Walk
- You can do it
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
- If you try
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
You gotta shake,
shake on the floor
Come on, baby
I'm doing it,
I'm doing it
I'm doing it, I'm doing it
Don't be sad 'cause
your boyfriend broke up
Do The Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly Walk,
The Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly, Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly Walk,
The Wobbly Walk
The Wobbly, Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
Do The Wobbly,
Wobbly Walk
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
- Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble -
Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk
- Wobble, Wobble, Wobble
- Do The Wobbly, Wobbly Walk
Wobble, Wobble, Wobble