Intolerable Cruelty (2003) Movie Script
# I am just a poor boy #
# Though my story's seldom told #
# I have squandered my resistance #
# For a pocketful of mumbles #
# Such are promises #
# All lies and jest #
# Still, a man hears
what he wants to hear #
# Just a come-on from those gals #
#Just a come-on from the whores #
# On Seventh Avenue #
Whoo-whoo!
# I do declare #
# There were times
when I was so lonesome #
# That I took
some comfort there #
# La-la-la, la-la-la-la ##
Bonnie?
Who is it?
Donovan?
Bonnie?
Yes?
Donovan?
In here.!
Yes? Donovan.
Is everything all right?
Yeah. The production meeting
was put off, so I thought... Who's here?
Here?
Mm.
Who owns that piece-of-shit van
down there?
Oh...
It's just a guy, you know, going door-to-door
selling... pool cleaner.
So why did he lock himself in the den?
Well, he...
Oh, God.
- Remember my friend Ollie?
- Ollie Olerud?
Short, cretinous wanker?
Ohh. Ollie's in there?
- Yes.
- I see.
Well, I'm glad he finally
got himself a job.
I'd always picked him as some sort of
deadbeat, but... happy to be proved wrong.
So, he's selling
pool cleaner now, huh?
Well, this is the neighborhood for that. Just
door-to-door..."Running low on chlorine?"
It's quite a coincidence,
him just dropping by...
and you two
knowing each other so well.
Donovan, please, let's just all talk...
How you doin'?
Donovan? How you doin', man?
Good day, Ollie.
I'm great. You?
I... can't complain, man.
Excellent.
Well, let's get right down
to it then, shall we?
We'll take a couple vacuum hoses.
We probably need a new filter right about now, maybe...
Wait a minute, darling.
Do we actually have a swimming pool?
Okay, okay, man. Now, let's be
reasonable about this, okay?
So, you caught me porkin'...
havin'relations
with your old lady...
Oh, God.
and now we're all feelin' just a little bit
embarrassed by the whole thing, so, uh...
What the hey, man.
I mean, I know it's a drag and all,
but these things...
Hey! Hey, hey.
Uh, w-we... we...
we didn't actually have sex.
I was depressed 'cause
I'm impotent. You know?
Unable to achieve an erection.
I have been for over
a year now, man,
and I needed someone to talk to.
I mean, think about it, man.
A year without an erection?
Leave him alone!
- You should've seen this coming, you Australian piece of shit!
- You bitch.!
That's my Daytime Television
Lifetime Achievement Award!
Cheesy bastard!
Aaah!
You whore.!
Oh, Christ!
Okay.
All right, you want fun and games?
All right.
I'll give you fun and games.
Explain this away.
# Li-la-li #
Aaah! Ollie!
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li #
That's my Jag.! That's my Jag.!
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li #
That's my bloody Jag!
# Li-la-li-li-li #
You bitch!
Bitch! Bitch!
Bye-bye, baby!
Oh, what are you looking at?
Explain this away, darling.
# We're caught in a trap #
# I can't walk out #
# Because I love you
too much, baby #
# Why can't you see #
# What you're doin'to me #
# When you don't believe #
# A word I say #
# We can't go on together #
# With suspicious minds #
#Suspicious minds #
#And we can't build our dreams #
# On suspicious minds #
#So if an old friend I know #
#Drops by to say hello #
# Would I still see suspicion #
#In your eyes #
#But here we go again #
#Askin' where I been #
# You can't see the tears are real #
#I'm cryin'#
# Yes, I'm cryin'#
# We can't go on together #
# With suspicious minds #
# Suspicious minds #
# And we can't build our dreams #
# On suspicious minds #
# Oh, let our love survive #
# I'll dry the tears from your eyes #
# Let's don't let a good thing die #
# When, honey, you know #
# I have never #
# Lied to you #
# Mm-mmm #
# Yeah, yeah #
# We're caught in a trap #
# I can't walk out #
# Oooh #
#Because I love you #
# Too much, baby # #
Miles Massey's office.
Hey, it's me. Any messages?
Yeah, quite a few. Where are you?
Just whitening.
Jim says he wants a meeting today, if possible.
Mm-hmm. What else?
Chapman says his wife
is now in Tahoe.
Tell Amstedler
I'll return in 20 minutes,
get Wrigley to look up Oliphant v. Oliphant,
Common wealth of Virginia...
for its relevance
in the Chapman filing...
Oliphant v. Oliphant, relevance to Chapman...
She said she took the kids to Tahoe?
That's right.
Wait, which side of Tahoe?
She's on some kind of cruise.
Yeah, well, if the cruise goes all the way around
the lake, she's left the state and she's in breach.
Tell Wrigley to prepare a filing to attach.
A filing to attach.
What do you want in it?
Everything.
Primary residence, beach house, ski cabin,
auto, stocks, bonds, dental floss.
Everything.
Uh-huh. Gonna lose ya.
Uh-huh.
And tell Fred Armatrading that we finally
have pictures of his wife with the oral surgeon.
Oh, and get a fruit and pastry basket in the conference
room for my 9:30. Didn't have time for breakfast.
Where are you?
Comin' at ya.
Your 9:00 is here.
Bonnie Donaly.
Bonnie Donaly.
Mrs. Donaly.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Yes, your husband did show remarkable
foresight in taking those pictures,
and, yes,
absent a swimming pool,
the presence of a pool man
would appear to be suspicious.
But, madam,
who is the real victim here?
Let me suggest to you
the following.
Your husband, on a prior occasion,
had slapped you... beat you.
I think that word is not inappropriate.
No, I...
Let me finish, please.
I'm not concerned
with who slapped whom first.
Your husband, who had beaten you repeatedly...
No, he never...
Please... repeatedly, was at the time
brandishing your firearm.
- It was his gun.
- And we'll get it back for you.
Trying, in his rage,
to shoot an acquaintance,
a friend of long standing.
They never really cared
for each other.
And if not for your
cool-headed intervention,
his tantrum might have ended this
schmo's life and ruined his own.
As for the sexual indiscretion
which he imagined took place,
wasn't it in fact he...
who was sleeping with the pool man?
No?
Am I going too far here?
Were his sexual... No.
I don't...
Sorry. I'm not omniscient.
The point is that he acted upon an
assumption which he cannot prove,
and I take it you deny.
- Well...
- Fine. I'll take the case.
It's imperative that I meet with Oliver Olerud
before we proceed any further...
so that I can massage the kinks
out of our testimony.
Do you really think
we can put all this across?
The truth is so self-evident
to me, Mrs. Donaly,
that I'm sure I'll be able to make it
equally as transparent to anyjury,
should your husband
decide to take it that far.
We'll need to caucus again to draw up
a picture of your husband's net worth.
A map of enemy territory,
so to speak.
You said he's a television producer?
He has a soap opera... The Sands of Time.
It's a silly show.
Well, it'll be yours soon.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Mr. Massey.
Yeah. Bye-bye.
Still, you have to admire him
for taking those pictures.
Now, Mrs. Gutman,
you testified that you were
your husband's sexual slave...
for 36 years during
your marriage.
Except for two years when he was
in the navy in Southeast Asia.
And before your marriage,
what was your profession?
I was a hostess for Braniff Airlines.
And what is your husband's profession?
He manufactures staples
and industrial brad tacks.
He's very successful.
How would you describe
your husband's sexual proclivities?
Well, at first he was
a very gentle and tender lover.
But then he became
more and more fixated...
on toys and machinery
and devices of various kinds.
I can't help it.
You don't decide to become bored.
It just happens.
You're just looking for trouble.
It's a midlife crisis.
Look, get yourself a new car.
I have a new car.
I have two new cars and a tab
at the Mercedes dealership.
Torn the house down
twice,
rebuilt
the cabin in Vail,
got three of those, uh...
yard people...
Gardeners? Gardeners. I've
got a man who waxes my jet.
These encounters
were videotaped.
Sometimes
there would be a gizmo.
A gizmo?
He had a device he
called the Intruder.
It was something he had
the engineers at the factory design.
And then he had a prototype built
out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.
I see.
So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available
to me for several months.
Several months without the appliance.
Yes!
The problem is, everyone is
willing to compromise.
That's the problem with the institution of marriage.
It's based on compromise.
Even through its dissolution.
Mrs. Gutman here,
she's gonna score some points...
concerning her husband's
sexual politics.
Naturally,
we'll try to impeach.
And then the entire process
will find an equilibrium point...
based on the skill
of the individual lawyers.
Then both parties will go home with
their portion of the staple factory.
That's life.
Life is compromise.
That's not life.
That's death.
Struggle and challenge and ultimate destruction
of your opponent... that's life.
Let me ask you something.
Attila the Hun.
Thank you, Mrs. Gutman. Ivan the Terrible.
Henry the Eighth.
Mr. Massey, any questions?
What do they have in common?
Middle name. No. They didn't
just win. They... They...
Mr. Massey?
They destroyed...
Mr. Massey, again I ask,
have you any questions
for the complainant?
I'm sorry, Your Honor. I was
just consulting with an associate.
Now, Mrs. Gutman,
do you know a man
named David Gonzalez?
Well, he's the tennis pro at the club.
The tennis pro?
Then why are your letters addressed to him,
'Dear David and Goliath'?
Whoo! Whoo!
Go, Rexie!
Go, Rexie baby!
Whoo-hoo.!
Whoo!
Rexie!
Cabin seven.
Choo-choo!
Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Choo-choo!
Choo-choo.
Choo-choo!
Choo-choo.
- Choo-choo.
- Choo-choo.
Choo-choo.
- Choo-choo!
- Whoo-whoo!
Choo-choo!
Ahh! Oh! Choo!
Yeah!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
Oh, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
Yo' ass!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
Come to papa!
I'm gon'nail ya.!
Yeah, I got ya.!
I'm gon'nail yo'ass.!
Enough, I say!
Hold it.!
I'm gon'nail yo'ass.!
Yeah.! Yeah.!
A silly misunderstanding... Mm-hmm.
Someone nailed yo'ass.!
Mm-hmm, yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
I'm gon'nail yo' ass!
Yep, I nailed his ass.
I thought he'd outgrown trains.
They never grow up, lady.
They just get tubby.
How charming. An aphorist.
Oh, yeah, I've always
had ample proportions.
But believe you me, it's all muscle.
I'm as hard as a rock.
I'm not one of these cream puff,
sit-behind-the-desk private dicks.
I'm an ass-nailer.
So I see.
Gym four times a week...
hour and a half, plus stretching,
LifeCycle, LifeStep, LifeCircuit.
Gus Petch don't pussyfoot around.
I must say, for someone in your line of work,
you don't exhibit a great deal of tact.
You want tact, call a tactician. You
want an ass nailed, you call Gus Petch.
Christ, you seem to be
taking it pretty good.
I seen 'em come in here, weep and
wail like Baptists at a funeral.
Like they hired me to prove
their husbands weren't foolin' around.
Don't get me wrong, Mr., um...
Petch.
Gus Petch.
Whilst I don't find this terribly amusing,
I am delighted that you found this material.
This is going to be
my passport to wealth,
independence and freedom.
Sounds like to me
you gon' nail his ass.
Honey? Honey!
Rex, get away from the door.
Honey?
My key doesn't work.
Can we talk about this?
Rex, get away
from the door.
Oh, look, I know
that you're upset, honey.
Rex, for your own safety,
get away from the door.
I don't like having
to set the dogs on you.
Oh, for crying out loud,
if we could... Dogs?
Yes, dogs.
I wanted some security
since I'll be living here alone.
Look, Marylin, can't we have a civilized discussion about this?
Our lawyers can.
Aaah!
You have a discovery hearing at 5.30
for the Maxine Gopnick case.
Discovery? Gopnick?
And a Lance Kelso called.
He read your article about palimony settlements...
Lance Kelso.
in same-sex partnerships...
and would like to schedule an appointment.
Same-sex.
Arthur Yardumian and his tax attorney want to
reschedule their caucus for tomorrow.
Yardumian? Arthur had to fly to
Atlanta for a deadbeat dad hearing.
Atlanta? And your 10:30 is here.
Rex Rexroth.
- Rex Rexroth?
- Real estate. He's okay.
Mr. Rexroth.
Uh, call me Rex.
Please.
Miles Massey.
Please sit. Relax.
Consider this office your office, your haven,
your war room for the duration of the campaign.
Thank you.
Now, sir...
tell me your troubles.
Well...
my wife has me between a
rock and a hard place.
That's her job.
You should respect that.
When I first met Marylin,
we were crazy about each other.
Not emotionally, of course.
Just, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
But then...
then...
Time marches on.
- Ardor cools.
- Yeah.
So, um, we had an understanding.
Whereby?
We could see other people.
Has Mrs. Rexroth pursued the opportunities
implicit in your arrangement?
Uh, I can... I can only assume...
Not in court, you can't.
- Has she retained counsel?
- I don't know.
- She has rottweilers.
- Not a good sign.
And have you yourself exploited
your understood freedom?
There's a lady.
A- Ayoung lady.
She lets me be myself.
Of course.
And your wife is aware
and/or has evidence?
- Video.
- Hah!
To cut to the chase,
forensically speaking,
is there a prenup?
"The fault, dear Brutus, lies not
in our stars, but in ourselves."
Let me ask you this...
What kind of a settlement do you seek?
What are, for you,
the parameters of the possible?
Well, that's the problem.
I can't afford to give her anything.
Nothing?
Yeah, I know that sounds
a little rough, but listen,
I'm about to close a deal
to develop some mini-malls.
I'm mortgaged up to my heinie.
If this deal goes south, I am ruined.
I will lose millions.
So you propose...
that, in spite of demonstrable
infidelity on your part,
your unoffending wife should be
tossed out on her ear?
Well, is that possible?
It's a challenge.
Why don't you come out to Malibu
and see my new beach house tomorrow.
I didn't know Dmitri
had a beach house.
Neither did I until my lawyer found it.
Quite a paper trail.
He had it in the dog's name.
Oh.
Well, tomorrow won't work.
I'm having a body wrap.
How's Wednesday?
Hair appointment in the morning.
Afternoon? Shrink.
How's your Thursday?
I'm having facial injections.
That kills Friday and Saturday.
- Botox?
- Butt fat.
Does that really work?
You tell me.
Hello, darlings.
Mwah!
Mwah!
So, you and Rex are...
Well, as my private investigator put it,
we're gonna nail his ass.
I've been trying to nail George's
ass for years, but he is so careful.
Oh.! Oh.!
Are you all right, Claire?
Down the wrong pipe.
- So, who's your lawyer?
- Freddy Bender.
I have an appointment this afternoon
with Rex and his schnauzer.
So, who's Rex's guy?
Miles Massey.
Miles Massey?
Of Massey, Myerson?
Do you know him?
By reputation.
And, Marylin, he's no schnauzer.
He got Phyllis Rumsey that cute
little island of George's.
George was so impressed, he hired him
when he divorced his second.
- Muriel Rumsey.
- Who's she?
Now?
Night manager at McDonald's.
But, Marylin,
do we have a man for you.
Thorstenson Gieselensen.
He just separated from his third.
He's in fish.
He is fish.
Well, he's tuna.
Ladies, I'm not seeing anyone
until I've finished nailing Rex's ass.
But, Marylin,
this man is tuna.
Sarah, one husband at a time.
I'll do the talking.
I know you'll be tempted to chime in, but remember
that you're in an emotionally vulnerable state.
I'm the professional.
Oh.
Okay.
Freddy.
Freddy Bender,
this is Rex Rexroth.
And you are
the lovely Marylin.
Please, Ms. Rexroth.
And you must be Mr. Massey.
Please, Miles. Sit.
Sit down.
Freddy, I was sorry to hear
about the Goldberger award.
Pastry?
We did very well.
Not to worry, Mrs. Rexroth.
You're ably represented.
I'm sure Freddy's just too modest to tell you
he used to clerk for Clarence Thomas.
Pastry?
Going begging.
Don't try to bait me, Miles.
If you have a proposal to make,
let's hear it.
Well, at this point my client is still
prepared to consider reconciliation.
My client's ruled that out.
My client is prepared to entertain an amicable
dissolution to the marriage without prejudice.
That's a fart in a stiff wind.
My client proposes
a 30-day cooling-off period.
My client feels
sufficiently dispassionate.
My client asks that you not initiate proceedings
pending his setting certain affairs in order.
What's so goddamn funny?
Please, let me handle this.
All right, so much for the
ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy?
My client is prepared to settle
for 50 percent of the marital assets.
Why only 50, Freddy?
Why not a hundred?
While we're dreaming,
why not 150?
- Are you familiar with Kershner?
- Kershner does not apply.
Bring this to trial,
we'll see if Kershner applies.
What's Kershner?
Please, let me handle this.
- Kershner was in Kentucky.
- Kershner was in Kentucky?
- Kershner was in Kentucky.
- All right, Freddy, forget Kershner. What's your bottom line?
Primary residence,
What, are you nuts?
Have you forgotten Kershner?
Freddy, it's a negotiation.
See you at the preliminary.
Freddy, we're all friends here.
It's a negotiation. Hey, uh...
Freddy!
Fine. We'll eat the pastry.
I thought that went well.
# Don't cry out loud #
Oh, yeah.
Gus, you outdid yourself.
Mm-hmm.
Hear, hear.
Mm-hmm, that's cool.
Very cool.
Let's go back
to the football game.!
Oh, kiss my ass, now. It's halftime, man.
This is some good shit.
I'm'bout to nail his ass
right here.
Gussy, go back to the Rabinowitz tape again.
Hold on, now. Here come the good part.
She 'bout to take off her panties.
Oh, yeah. Come on, come on, come on.
Gus?
Mm-hmm... Yeah?
It's Miles Massey.
Uh, take a number.
It's about a job tonight.!
Goddamn it.
Aah! Aah! Did you see that?
Oh, come on, man!
Here we are.
Ms. Rexroth, I am so delighted
you decided to come.
Well, I must admit
I was curious.
Something to start?
Some wine, perhaps?
Red?
French?
Bordeaux?
Chateau Margaux?
'57?
'59.
'54.
Mmm, Mr. Massey.
Good, sir.
Your husband had told me you were the most
beautiful woman that he'd ever met.
I didn't expect the most beautiful woman
I'd ever met.
"Dismiss your vows,
your feigned tears, your flattery,
for where a heart is hard
they make no battery."
"Whoever loved that loved
not at first sight?"
Now, you didn't ask me here
to pick me up.
You could be disbarred for that.
Maybe I'm reckless.
What was your performance about this afternoon?
What did your lawyer say?
Oh, Freddy thinks you're a buffoon.
He says
you've been too successful,
you're bored, complacent,
and you're on your way down.
But you don't think so.
How do you know?
Why would you be here?
Why did you ask me?
Can't I be curious?
About what?
Do you ever answer questions?
Do you?
I'll have the tournedoes of beef.
The lady will have the same. Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
I assume you're a carnivore.
Oh, Mr. Massey, you have no idea.
Miles, please.
Tell me more about yourself.
All right, Miles.
Let me tell you
everything that you need to know.
You may think you're tough,
but I eat men like you for breakfast.
I've invested five good years
in my marriage to Rex,
and I've nailed his ass
fair and square.
Now I'm going to have it
stuffed, mounted...
and have my lady friends come over
and throw darts at it.
Man-hater, huh?
People don't go on safaris
'cause they hate animals.
So it's just for the hunt,
with the trophy at the end.
No. Nothing so frivolous.
This divorce means money.
Money means independence.
That's what I'm after.
What are you after, Miles?
Well, I'm a lot like you.
Just looking for
an ass to mount.
Well, don't look at mine.
Yeah.
Oy vey.
I got ya. See this?
Yeah?
Uh, I'll just have
a, um, salad, please.
Um, baby field greens.
What did you call me?
Uh, no, I-I...
I- I didn't call you anything.
You want a salad?
Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad?
What the fuck color
would it be?
Why are we eating here?
What's his problem?
Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy
tomato wedge smothered with French dressing.
- And for you?
- Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.
- Slaw cup?
- What the hell.
Hello, Marge.
How are you, Gus?
I'm all right.
Okay, now, I Minoxed
her address book.
Don't call me anymore
for this penny-ante shit.
I shoot action.
Me and the Ikegami, Jack.
Thank you, Gus.
And those rottweilers
were a menace, man.
I told you she had dogs.
Yeah. You ain't tell me
they had a hard-on for anus Africanus.
Gus, did you see any evidence,
any telltale signs...
of indiscretion on the
part of Mrs. Rexroth?
What are you talkin"bout,
"telltale signs"?
Look, I see an ass, I nail it.
I don't sneak around
sniffin' at sheets.
Goddamn it,
I'm Gus Petch!
Couldn't you
be disbarred for that?
No, I don't think so.
Maybe if I'd had the patty melt.
You had a guy break into her house
and photograph her address book.
No, Wrigley, I happened
to let a man know...
that I was interested in her address book...
that's not criminal.
I also happened to let him know that I was
taking her out to dinner.
That's not a crime either.
No, I don't see myself
as culpable in any sense.
You, on the other hand,
could be disbarred...
for developing and examining these photos
of her address book,
but that doesn't
really concern me.
Right.
Who are you looking for?
Tenzing Norgay.
Tenzing Norgay.
That's someone she slept with.
I doubt it. Tenzing Norgay was the Sherpa that
helped Edmund Hillary climb Mt. Everest.
And Marylin knows him.
No, you idiot. Not the Tenzing Norgay.
Her Tenzing Norgay.
I'm not sure
that I actually follow that.
Few great accomplishments are achieved
single-handedly, Wrigley.
Most have their Norgays.
Marylin Rexroth is even now
climbing her Everest.
I wanna find her Norgay.
But how do you determine
which of the people on here are...
How do you spot a Norgay?
Yeah.
You start with the people
with the funny names.
Oyez, oyez. Family Court of the Fifth District
of Los Angeles County now in session.
The Honorable Marva Munson presiding.
All rise.
Have you sat before her before?
No. No, the judge sits first.
Then we sit.
Well, have you sat
after her before?
Sat after her before?
You mean, have we argued before her before?
The judge sits in judgment.
The counsel argues before the judge.
So, have you argued
before her before?
Before her before, or before she sat before?
Before her before.
I said, before her before.
No, you said before she sat before.
I did at first, but...
Look, don't argue.
I'm not. I'm... No, you don't argue.
We argue.
Counsel argues.
You appear.
Thejudge sits.
Then you sit.
- Or you stand in contempt.
- And then we argue.
The counsel argues.
Which you've done before.
Which we've done before.
Ah.
But not before her.
Rex. Sit.
There it is! I got it!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
Enough, I say!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass! Yeah!
Yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
A silly misunderstanding...
Get that thing off me!
Yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
I'm gon' nail your ass.!
Devastated.
Simply devastated.
Thank you, Mrs. Rexroth.
Mr. Massey, any questions?
"Dismiss your vows,
"your feigned tears, your flattery,
for where a heart is hard
they make no battery."
Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?
Objection, Your Honor.
- Grounds?
- Uh, poetry recitation.
Let me rephrase.
Mrs. Rexroth...
how high is that wall
around your heart?
Your Honor, this is harassment,
and, frankly, it's still
a little, uh, arty-farty.
- Rephrase. Mrs. Rexroth, have you ever been in love?
- Yes.
Of course.
With Rex.
And you've always loved him?
"Whoever loved
that loved not at first sight?"
So...
So it's your sworn testimony
that you have loved Rex Rexroth...
since first you met?
Yes.
Thank you.
No further questions,
Your Honor.
Who's next, Mr. Bender?
- We rest, Your Honor.
- Mr. Massey.
Your Honor, I call Heinz,
the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.!
Problem?
Puffy.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.!
Tenzing Norgay.
Mr. Krauss, do you solemnly swear that...
Krauss von Espy.
Mr. Krauss von Espy,
do you solemnly...
Baron Krauss von Espy.
solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give shall
be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
- Mais bien sr.
- No maybes.
Mais bien sr.
But of course, yes.
The baron does not lie.
Have a seat, sir.
Did you sleep with him?
Don't be a fool.
Shush, Elsbieta.
Shush-shush-shush-shush.
Baron von Espy,
what is your profession?
Silly man. I am a baron.
Yes, but do you not
also hold a day job?
Paying job.
A, uh, a square job.
Well, one has to live.
I am the concierge
of Les Pantalons Rouges...
at Bad-Gadesbourg
in the canton of Uri.
And what does that job entail?
I satisfy such requests
as the clientele may present.
Towels, ice, etcetera?
We have bellmen for that.
No, no, no.
Such requests that, were you at home,
you would address not to your valet...
but to your majordomo.
Shush, poochy-chow.
I see. Baron, do you
recognize that woman?
Ah, cher Marylin.
But of course.
Look who is here. Hi!
And she was a guest
of the Red... Trousers?
Oh, many times,
for relaxing and making
Alpine recreation.
Mm-hmm. I am curious about
her visit of five years ago.
January 1998.
Can you remember any specific request
she made at that time?
- Yes, I can.
- At what, at that time, did she tell you she required?
She said that she required...
a husband!
Do you want some bones? Huh?
Does Elsbieta want some bones?
Has anyone any bones?
Does anyone have any bones?
B... Uh, bones? Dog candies?
No, they are not candies. Milk-Bones.
Hard, crunchy bones for the teeth.
Uh, hard, uh...
We'll attend to the dog later.
Now, Baron...
Where were we?
"She said that
she required a husband.
"Oh, do you want some bones?
"Does Elsbieta want some bones?
Has anyone any bones?
Hard, crunchy bones for the..."
Right.
Now, a husband.
That's an unusual request.
Did she specify what kind
of a husband she was looking for?
Stop him.
Objection.
- Grounds?
- Uh... hearsay.
It's not secondhand, Your Honor.
This is direct testimony about the baron's own conversation.
- I'm going to allow it.
- Yeah.
She said she wanted
a very rich husband.
She wanted to know the businesses and the wealths-s...
the wealths-s-s...
Can I say this?
Wealths of our various eligible guests.
And did she have
any other specifications?
- Objection, Your Honor. Inflammatory.
- What's good for the gander, Your Honor.
- Is this a legal argument..."What's good for the gander?"
- You got to play your tape, Freddy.
Mr. Massey has a point there.
I'm going to allow it.
Were there any other
specifications?
She "specificated" a silly man.
Objection, Your Honor.!
I'm going to allow it.
She 'specificated' a man who,
though clever at making money,
would be easily duped
and controlled.
Objection, Your Honor.
Shut up, Freddy. She's allowing it.
She 'specificated'a man
with a wandering pee-pee.
How you say? Aphilanderer whose affairs
would be transparent to the world.
Objection, Your Honor!
Finally, a man whom
she could herself brazenly cuckold...
until such time
as she might choose to, uh...
We would say, "faire un coup
de marteau sur des fesses."
You would say,
"make hammer on his fanny."
- Your Honor, Objection! I-Irrelevant!
- I'm going to allow it!
Tell us, Baron...
Did you introduce her to such a man?
Sir, I am the concierge!
And to whom did you introduce
that calculating woman?
I introduced her...
to that silly man.
Your Honor, objection.!
Let the record show that the baron
has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!
I did it! It was I!
I introduced her to that silly man!
- You son of a bitch!
- The red-faced angry one. I introduced them!
Absolument!
I did it.! It was I.!
I just love trains!
I love trains!
If you please, sir!
I'm not sick.!
You're the one who's sick.!
No...
If you please...
Not the larynx!
Objection, Your Honor!
Strangling the witness!
I'm going to allow it.
Well, I think it stinks.
They left you with nothing.
Makes you wonder about
the entire legal system,
like Rodney what's-his-name.
They bought
Massey's argument.
If I lied or cheated and
was with Rex only for his money,
then he shouldn't have to
give me any.
Well, that makes no sense.
Why else would you put in all those years?
Oooh!
Are you all right, Sarah?
Yeah. Wh-What is it?
Peptic ulcer.
I have medication, but I can't take it
before elective surgery.
You shouldn't be
living here alone, Sarah.
My goddamn husbands
gave me the ulcer.
But a bottle of Bromo
can't love you back.
Yeah.
It's a catch-22.
I have to admit,
I don't like living alone.
I mean, do I need 46 rooms?
You could see people.
It's risky. Palimony.
Son of a bitch Marvin Mitchelson.
I'm telling you, honey, getting laid
is financial Russian roulette.
Maybe I shouldjust tear it all down,
build a cottage.
More landscaping.
Well, with my money,
I can't afford to be fooling around.
Besides, I have you.
It'll be fun...
just the girls.
Well, thanks, Sarah, but I can't
sleep on your couch forever.
I'm going to marry again,
nail the guy's ass good.
And this time
there'll be no Puffy von Espy.
Knock knock.
Excuse me. Mr. Donaly?
Mr. Donaly?
Mr. Donaly, excuse me.
You are Donovan Donaly?
I'm in a meeting.
Mr. Donaly.
I need a name.
And, of course, we will have to litigate.
Sentence, paragraph.
Naturally, the first concern
for both parties...
is the welfare
of little WendellJunior.
Nevertheless, we do question whether the
continuing expenses for his special ed classes...
are truly justified,
given the great strides...
Mr. Massey,
the senior partner would like to see you.
Herb wants to see me?
If you have a moment.
Fourteen summary judgments sought.
Thirteen granted.
Eighteen movements to void
for respondent's prejudice.
Eighteen granted.
Twelve court days on
the Rexroth case alone.
at full attorney rate.
Eighty-five lunches charged.
Counselor...
you are the engine...
that drives this firm.
Mr. Massey?
Please, no calls.
I'm feeling... a little fragile.
I'm sorry, Mr. Massey, but I felt certain you'd
want to know Marylin Rexroth wants to see you.
Marylin... Uh, uh, uh, w...
Uh, when did she, uh...
She's here now.
Is she armed?
Give me a minute.
Marylin.
How nice of you to...
Marylin?
Shame on you.
Marylin.
What a lovely surprise.
Marylin, what a pl...
- Who the hell are you?
- Hello, Miles.
So nice of you to see us.
May I introduce Howard D. Doyle
of Doyle Oil.
I'm goddamn pleased
to meet you.
Marylin here, she says you're the best.
Says you're aces.
Well, thank you, Mr., uh...
Uh, any... any relation to
John D. Doyle of Doyle Oil?
Oh, you must be talkin' about Grandpa John.
My papa's John D. too.
The Deuce, we called him.
You know, kinda the rebel of the family.
But they knocked off that whole John D. routine
when they christened Yours Truly.
Grandpa nearly had a stroke.
He did have a stroke, but that was later,
during the labor activity in '52.
The government stepped in.
Mm-hmm. Uh...
They called it mediation.
Well...
He called it
incipient communism.
Of course, that's when
he had his stroke.
Golly, the whole left side of his body
is as useless as tits on a boar hog.
He lingered in a vegetative state for years...
Well, that is fascinating, Mr. Doyle.
What say we have a seat?
A seat?
Marylin's had me runnin'
up and down Rodeo Drive all day long.
Kinda hit-and-run shoppin', you know.
Take no prisoners.
Forced march kind of thing.
My God, my dogs are barkin'.
We started out at this li'I oI' place right off
of Wilshire... It's been quite a day.
Had pewter things.
But anyway, Miles, I know you're busy and you charge
by the hour, so I'll get straight to the point.
Howard D. and I
are planning to marry.
Well...
Well, I suppose that congratulations are in order.
Well, thank you, Miles.
You know, the urge to wedlock and form a lastin' monogamous
bond sanctified by ritual, it's pert-near universal.
As a matter of fact, it might be of some
interest to you, bein' in a related business...
Even your indigenous Americans...
Uh, I believe it was your Cree... used to...
Howard and I are here because I've learned,
through bitter experience,
that when it comes to matrimony and law,
you are the very best.
And as you are well aware,
my previous marriage...
ended in an unjustified stain...
upon my reputation.
My motives were impugned.
I was slandered in court.
I was painted a harlot.
Oh, honey, you ain't no harlot.
Oh, yes, honey.
So it's my desire to remove
any trace of suspicion...
from the mind of my
dear Howard Doyle.
Oh, honey, come on, now.
I wish to execute a
prenuptial agreement.
And I'm dead-set against it.
I mean, just anti the whole deal.
Howard's lawyers prefer it.
I insist upon it.
Oh, damn lawyers. Uh, no offense to the
present company or anything, you know.
Now, is it my understanding that the Massey
prenup has never been penetrated?
That is correct.
Not to blow my own horn, but they devote
an entire semester to it at Harvard Law.
They got a hell of a school up there,
ain't no doubt about it.
We donated that Doyle building up there here a while back.
Mm-hmm.
Now, I myself went to Texas A&M.
I'm an Aggie.
- Business?
- Tight end.
And I had a fair amount of success
against the split-T defense.
See, when they line up
symmetrical thataway,
it allows me to buttonhook and, you know, do a
down-and-in, up-and-out and different things...
post pattern every now and then.
Your tight ends don't
generally run a post.
But if the QB calls it,
hell, I'm ready.
Interrupt for a second?
Yeah.
I wanna make sure that you both understand...
what it is you're asking.
The Massey prenup provides that in the
event of a dissolution of the marriage,
for any reason,
both parties will leave it with what
they brought in... and earned during.
No one can profit
from the marriage.
The prenup protects
the wealthier party.
Without it, that party is exposed,
a sitting duck.
Not a hell of a lot
of romance in that.
No, sir, there is not.
No romance.
More to the point,
no wriggle room.
So, are we sure...
that this is what we want?
Absolutely.
It's my gift to Howard,
for his peace of mind,
whether or not he's worried
about it at this moment.
Oh, honey pie,
do I look worried?
Excuse me, Mr. Doyle.
Could I just borrow your charming
fiance for a moment?
Well, okay.
You gon' leave a deposit?
What are you up to?
Something
you won't understand, Miles.
Howard and I are very much in love.
I don't know what you're thinking, but I have to warn you,
the Massey prenup has never been penetrated.
You sign the prenup,
you can't get his money.
Thanks for the professional help.
Marylin, think of me for a moment...
not as an attorney but as a friend.
Does that mean you won't be
charging us for the hour?
Dump him.
You can't nail his ass.
Is that all?
No, that's not all.
I could have you disbarred for that.
It was worth it.
A romantic divorce attorney.
You fascinate me.
I'll get right on it.
I'll whip something up.
All right. Thank you.
How's Lionel?
He's fine.
He asked me to deliver the keynote address
at this year's convention in Vegas.
That's quite an honor.
I suppose.
On top of a great victory.
What was that?
'What was that'?
Um, Rex Rexroth?
He kept everything? You win? No compromise?
Isn't that what you wanted?
Oh, good God, Miles.
What are you looking for?
I don't know.
Okay, I won.
What then?
How many cases
has Herb Myerson won?
The old man?
More than anybody. He's a legend. And look at him.
He's 87 years old, he's the first one
into the office in the morning.
- No home life.
- Who needs a home when you have a colostomy bag?
She can't really love this dope,
can she?
Who? Uh, who loves who?
Marylin Rexroth.
She signed a prenup
for an oil millionaire.
A... Massey... prenup?
Yeah.
Well, then she is not
after his money.
Only love is in mind
if the Massey is signed.
# April #
# Come she will #
# When streams are ripe
and swelled with rain #
# Nay, she will stay #
# A-resting in my arms again #
What the hell's wrong with you?
# April #
# Come she will # #
Thank you for coming
to this celebration...
of the love between our two friends,
Marylin and Howard.
In today's cynical world,
it's so hard to take
that great leap of faith...
aboard the ship of love and caring.
But today Marylin and Howard
are taking that leap...
and telling us, their friends,
that they do believe,
that they do have faith,
that they do love.
Do you, Howard Drexler Doyle,
take Marylin to be your shipmate
on this journey through life,
through gale and doldrum,
seas choppy, wild and calm?
Yes, I do, Father Scott.
And do you, Marylin Rexroth, take Howard
to be your shipmate and companion...
to ports of every clime,
be it in first class or steerage?
I do.
Then, by the power vested in me
by the State of California,
and as captain of the
good shipAmore Veritas,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
What do you think?
- What are they, ladles?
- Berry spoons.
Spoons?
Berry spoons.
Everybody has spoons.
And nobody needs berry spoons.
Everybody eats berries.
Who are you, Pollyanna?
Hey, everybody! Folks! Hey, y'all!
Where'd you see'em at?
A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings?
I need your attention for a minute.
Stadium seat ass-warmers?
Dear God, Wrigley, how many cockamamie personal
possessions do we have to amass...
Why so angry?
Now, I know it's not common practice for the groom
to give his bride a gift on their weddin' day,
but ever since
I met Marylin there...
I can't seem to quit
givin' her things.
And I don't wanna stop 'cause it feels so durn good!
Chow Sing, bring that barbecue sauce
over here, little buddy.
There you go.
Put that thing on my neck now.
Now, honey,
it's like the padre said.
I want love and trust between us.
Love and trust and
not a thing else.
And this here deed
that I'm fixin' to perform...
Well, honey, let me just, uh...
You see this?
This is for you, darlin.
This here is for you.
This here is for you, baby.
Ever'last little speck of it.
I love you.
I mean, I love you
like a son of a bitch!
I trust you.!
This here is for you, baby.
Brilliant!
Baby, this is for you.
What is it?
I really love you.
It's the prenup.
I love her!
I trust her.!
Ladies and gentlemen,
It's the prenup!
I trust her.!
Brilliant!
You look beautiful.
Ladies,
if you'll excuse us.
We have to talk.
I would like to offer
my congratulations.
It was a beautiful gesture
of Howard's.
Well, Howard
is a beautiful person.
A diamond in the rough.
And I have a feeling that
someday soon...
you'll be taking that diamond
and leaving the rough.
In a month or so, once I've established that
I've tried to make the marriage work.
May I offer my services?
Oh, thanks.
But no.
No, I'm retaining Freddy Bender.
Poor Freddy. He was awfully blue
after my last divorce.
Well, I admire your loyalty.
To lawyers, anyway.
I guess without the prenup
it's something even Freddy could manage.
But how did you
get Howard to do it?
It felt like it was his idea.
Surely, Mr. Massey,
you've addressed enough juries...
to appreciate
the power of suggestion.
Mmm.
# Wish I was a Kellogg's Corn Flake #
Look, now that the marriage is winding down,
have dinner with me.
No.
No, nothing doing until
the ink is dry on the settlement.
Oh, this'll be no settlement.
If I know Marylin Rexroth, this'll be
nothing short of a complete and total...
annihilation.
You're gonna win.
Excuse me?
I can always tell, going to Vegas,
who's gonna win.
Well, thanks,
but I'm going on business.
I always win.
# Yeah #
# Yeah #
You know why I hate this town,
Wrigley?
You see, people get to Las Vegas, and all of a sudden,
the rules of the moral universe don't apply.
When God is dead,
all things are possible.
I saw an ad in the paper:
"No-fault divorce...
two-week divorce without a lawyer."
Made me sick to my stomach.
"No-fault divorce."
Good God.
Talk about your oxymoron.
What's the world comin' to?
One man can only do so much.
One man... What
are you talkin' about?
- Freddy.
- I had lunch with Freddy Bender yesterday.
He tells me that Marylin Rexroth-Doyle
is now richer than Croesus.
Ah, yes, but is she richer
than Mrs. Croesus?
She could buy and sell you 10 times over.
She...
- My God, is that her?
- Mmm.
Freddy said she was flying in with him.
Celebrating, I guess.
I'm fascinated by that creature.
Richer than me, huh?
Well, she deserves every penny.
And now she's single again.
Excuse me.
No. You should stay away
from her, Miles.
Recite your keynote address.
Take a cold shower.
You're looking well, Marylin.
Hello, Miles.
Obscene wealth becomes you.
I should've known you'd be here.
Be here?
I'm the keynote speaker.
Oh, how nice for you.
"Nailing Your Spouse's Assets."
Excuse me?
My speech.
Oh!
Oh, I'm sure you'll
bring the house down.
It's an easy crowd.
At this point, I would think you're probably the
only person that I can't teach anything to.
Really?
Mmm.
Now, correct me,
but since by now the ink must be dry,
I believe
I have the right to collect.
On? You promised to have dinner
with me once you were free.
I said I wouldn't whilst I wasn't,
which implies no promise once I am.
Noted.
Let me rephrase.
I would be delighted... honored, really...
if you'd...
Howard!
Ow! Howard!
Howard!
You named him after your ex.
I'm sentimental.
Well, I'm free this evening, so I suppose
a little dinner would do no harm.
Le Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin,
Yes. Thank you.
I'll take care of it.
Marylin, this is
a moment to savor.
Yes, we were adversaries,
but we were also professionals.
So let us raise a glass
to friendship.
To victory.
So, how does it feel?
Sorry?
Victory. Independence.
Oh, um...
- Well, frankly, Miles...
- It's not everything you'd hoped for?
I know the feeling.
Independence.
Two-edged sword.
My friend... My best friend...
Sarah Sorkin?
Sarah Battista-O'Flanagan-Sorkin?
The O'Flanagan settlement?
- Ahh.
- Hmm.
- Huh.
- Anyway, three fine settlements.
More money
than she could ever hope to spend.
Yes.
Her vaunted independence.
Don't tell me. She sits around the house, afraid to
see people, afraid to put her portfolio into play.
And only a peptic ulcer
to keep her warm at night.
Yes.
There's a certain point
when you've achieved your goals.
You realize that you're
still not satisfied.
Yes.
We should order.
You know,
I'm not really hungry.
Neither am I.
Shh.
Hello?
Miles?
Hello? Marylin?
Sarah Sorkin just died!
Marylin!
Her ulcer...
perforated.
Infection.
Yes.
Miles?
Yes, Marylin?
She was alone.
She'd been dead for two days
before her Pilates instructor found her.
Marylin, listen to me.
No arguments. No discussions.
I'll have Wrigley meet us at the Wee Kirk o' the Heather.
- Wrigley!
- The vows are from an Arapaho dawn greeting ceremony.
The music is Simon and Garfunkel.
And this is the Massey prenup.
- You the two gettin' married?
- Mr. MacKinnon here will be officiating.
Sorry. Short notice.
Pen.
Marylin, you're welcome
to examine this.
This is the Massey prenup.
As you know, it's ironclad.
We tried to reach Freddy Bender.
We tried to reach Freddy, to have him here for your protection,
but we couldn't find him. I couldn't get him.
Are you two here to get married
or to bullshit?
- So you can't hope to benefit from the marriage?
- Not in any way.
And my wealth is completely...
completely protected?
As if a lead veil
had been drawn across it.
Do you still want to marry me?
More than ever.
Are ya rentin' kilts?
Do you, Miles Longfellow Massey,
of Massey, Myerson, Sloan
and Gurolnick, L.L.P.,
take Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle
to be your lawful wedded wife?
I do. Yes. I do. I do.
Let me finish.
Jesus, have you never been married before?
To have and to hold, to love and to cherish,
till death do you part?
I do.
And do you,
Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle,
take Miles Longfellow Massey
to be your lawful wedded husband,
To have and to hold, to love and to cherish,
till death do you part?
- I do.
- I now pronounce you man and wife.
I'll take care of you later.
No, no, no, no, no. No.
This is all wrong. Wha...
Is it the kilt?
Do you love me?
More than anything.
Can I trust you?
Yes. You can trust me.
Darling, you're exposed.
A sitting duck.
I hereby declare the 12th Congress
of the National Organization...
of Matrimonial Attorneys Nation wide... open.
As our first order of business, it is a privilege
to call to the podium our keynote speaker.
From the Los Angeles firm of Massey,
Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick,
a man whose name is synonymous
with bitter disputes and big awards,
Miles Massey.
Thank you, Branco.
In the world of...
In the world of matrimonial law,
there are...
In the world of matrimonial law,
there are multiple tactics...
Friends,
this morning I stand before you
a very different Miles Massey...
than the one that
addressed you last year...
on the disposition of marital assets
following murder/suicide.
I wish to talk to you today
not about technical matters of law.
I wish to talk to you
about something more important.
I wish to talk to you
from the heart...
because today...
for the first time in my life,
I stand before you... naked...
vulnerable...
and in love.
Love.
It's a word
we matrimonial lawyers avoid.
Funny, isn't it? We're frightened of this
emotion, which is, in a sense,
the seed of our livelihood.
Well, today Miles Massey
is here to tell you...
that love need
cause us no fear.
Love need cause us no shame.
Love is...
good.
Love is good.
I am, of course, aware that these remarks
will be received here with cynicism.
Cynicism, that cloak that
advertises our indifference...
and hides all human feeling.
Well, I'm here to tell you that that cynicism
which we think protects us...
in fact destroys.
Destroys love,
destroys our clients,
and, ultimately,
destroys ourselves.
Colleagues, when our clients come to us
confused and angry and hurting...
because their flame of love
is guttering and threatens to die,
do we seek to extinguish that flame
so that we can sift...
through the smoldering wreckage
for our paltry reward,
or do we fan
this precious flame,
this most precious flame,
back into loving, roaring life?
Do we counsel fear or trust?
Do we seek to destroy or build?
Do we meet our clients'problems
with cynicism...
or with love?
The choice is, of course,
each of ours.
For my part, I've made the leap of love,
and there's no going back.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
the last time I will address you...
as the president of N.O.M.A. N...
or as a member.
I intend to devote myself to pro bono
work in East Los Angeles...
or... one of those other...
God bless you all.
I love you, man.
So, Wrigley, I'm gonna be relinquishing
my partnership in Massey, Myerson.
If you'd care to join me in my
new endeavor, I'd be delighted.
Of course, I can't offer you the same kind of financial
remuneration you've grown accustomed to,
but the work'll have
to serve as its own reward.
Barkeep, we'll have two of your finest scotches.
That's the, uh...
- I propose a toast. Barkeep!
- That's... That's the soap that used to belong to, uh...
Now, you'll be serving in a junior capacity, of course.
Donovan Donaly.
- Miles, that's, uh... that's, uh... uh...
- It'll be a small operation, a boutique.
Let me tell you what they called me
in medical school.
The... I don't see why
my leadership skills should...
Howard?
Mackenzie the Mechanical Marvel.
It's Howard.
You see, I have no nerves.
He's not an oil tycoon.
An actor.
Doctor, this is highly unusual.
So Marylin married a soap actor.
So she's... she's... poor.
Get yourself some clean scrubs
and have them prepare the O.R.
- Well, thank God you have the prenup.
- I have no prenup.
- You have no prenup.
- I have no prenup.
You have no prenup.
Thanks.
Okay.
- Marylin?
- Oh, hello, Miles.
- Going back to L.A.?
- Yes.
Look, Miles, I think it's only fair
to warn you that after a decent interval,
I intend to have Freddy
seek an injunction...
that would forbid you to approach
within 500 feet of my house.
You mean, my house. Oh, I believe the
residence will be part of the settlement.
Marylin, didn't last night
mean anything to you?
Oh. Well, about as much as it'll mean to you...
half of your net worth.
Oh, Miles, you'll always be
my favorite husband.
But no more sentiment,
darling.
I really have to be going.
The dog's rented.
You didn't win.
Excuse me?
I can always tell, comin' back
from Vegas, who didn't win.
You're right.
But...
you're going through with it?
Yes.
I just felt so sorry for him
for a minute there.
At the preliminary hearing,
he just looked so beaten.
Well, he was beaten, fair and square.
I know, but...
Oh, their pathetic look.
It's what they all fall back on
when they don't have a prenup.
Just stay strong
until the divorce is final.
Relax...
and enjoy your pool.
Do you think he's eating enough?
Marylin!
This woman has humbled,
shamed and disgraced
the entire firm.
- Yes, Herb.
- Counselor...
this firm deals in power.
This firm deals in perception.
This firm cannot prosper...
nor long endure
if it is perceived to be...
dancing to the music of a hurdy-gurdy!
It's just...
Herb, for the first time
in my career,
I don't know what to do.
I'm a patsy.
I'm a sittin' duck. I'm lost.
Lost?
I'll tell you what you can do.
You can act like a man.
And let me
tell you something, smart guy.
You thought you had it
all figured out.
Trust. Marriage.
All your goddamn love, love, love!
Now, you listen to me. I'm gonna
talk to you about the goddamn law.
We serve the law!
We honor the law!
And sometimes, Counselor,
we obey the law.
But, Counselor,
this is not one of those times.
Are you... WheezyJoe?
Which of youse is Smith?
Well, uh, we're here
representing Mr. Smith...
on a matter of some delicacy.
- Who's the pigeon?
- The what?
- Who you want me to kill?
- Yes. Well, we would like you...
Mr. Smith would like you
to neutralize...
terminate...
render unto a state of...
so that
she isn't so much, uh... uh...
- Breathing.
- Yes. A business associate...
by the name of Marylin Rexroth-Doyle-Massey...
Smith... Massey.
Is that one person?
I have some photos here...
of Miss Rexroth, and, um, that's the address
that she's staying at.
That is Mr. Smith's address...
Massey's... Smith...
It's Mr. Smith's address, although
Mr. Smith is not directly involved.
Because of an impending legal matter, we need
this to happen within a certain time frame.
- On an expedited basis.
- You're in a rush.
We're not in a rush.
Mr. Smith is.
Sh... Sh... Sh... She won't...
She won't suffer, will she?
Not unless you pay extra.
# Oh, I've been workin'
on the railroad #
#All the livelong day #
# I've been workin' on the railroad #
# Just to pass the time away #
# Can't you hear the whistle blowing #
# Rise up so early in the morn # #
Toot-toot!
Whistle's goin' "toot-toot."
What's the matter, Rexie?
Hello?
Yes, he's here.
One moment, please.
Miles.
It's for you.
Hello? Yes?
What?
I see.
My God.
- What?
- That was Marvin Untermeyer.
He was Rex Rexroth's
personal attorney.
Yes?
What do you mean, he was?
Rex had a massive coronary
in the middle of a business meeting.
He's dead.
Well, I'm very sorry to hear that,
but you two weren't... close,
were you?
Marvin said that Rex's will was four years old.
Never redrafted it.
He was stinkin'rich.
Yes?
Everything goes to Marylin.
She's not poor.
She's richer than you.
She is exposed. No prenup.
She's a sitting duck.
She's a sitting duck.
Can't kill her. No need. Mm-hmm.
No. It would be pointless.
She's exposed. It's pointless.
Exposed. Why kill the only woman you've
ever loved when she's the richer party?
She's rich. And I love her.
Don't need to kill her.
Ah. What? Ah!
You've reached
WheezyJoe. What do you want? Joe!
Hi, it's Miles Smith...
Mr. Smith... calling to say...
on behalf of myself, that it is...
No-go.
uh, no-go concerning Marylin.
I'm speaking with no knowledge.
This is what Mr. Smith wants.
This is what I want.
I am Mr. Smith.
Thank you.
That was good.
- You think I'm protected?
- Ehh... You...
Am I protected?
I think it would hold up.
- Marylin.
- Yes, yes. Marylin.
- What do we do? What if he's on his way there?
- Yes. Oh!
- If he's on his way there...
- Oh, no! Marylin!
Get her out and buy some time.
Buy some time!
Hello?
Marylin, you must leave
the house immediately.
It's imperative that you leave the house.
Hello, Miles.
- Hello, dear.
- Now, Miles, pending final settlement,
you know that I'm entitled to use the house.
No, no, no! You don't understand!
It's an emergency!
An emergency!
What is it?
I forgot that I left the gas main on, which leaks!
- Good gosh. That sounds dangerous.
- It's a deadly, odorless, colorless,
"liquid-less" gas that... that attacks
the central nervous system...
and causes diarrhea
and facial tics!
Okay. All right.
Well, thanks for calling, Miles. Okay. Bye-bye.
I think she bought it.
So, tell me...
who sent you?
Mr. Smith.
Is this Mr. Smith?
No.
That's his lawyer.
Whatever they're paying you,
I'll double.
What now? We wait for WheezyJoe.
We tell him it's a no-go.
Careful.
Rottweilers.
Looks like she's gone.
Looks like she bought it.
Good stuff. There's no one here.
Except for the rottweilers.
Sure. Rottweilers.
You go that way.
Wheezy Joe?
Wheezy Joe, thank God you're in time.
You're not in time. We're in time.
Thank God we're in time.
Look, it's a no-go. You get it?
No one need be the wiser, so you can just go on home.
Good-bye. You know,
thank you so much.
Hear that? Okay?
No, no. No, no. No, no.
No-go. No contract.
It's off. It's...
Will you explain to the lunkhead that
it's a no-go? No-go. It's a no-go.
We'll settle your contract later. Look, you're fired, pal.
Let it go. Walk away.
- Golden parachute.
- Don't let the screen door hit you. Does he speak any language?
Here's what happened, Mr. Carnera. We feel that...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wheezy.! Uh...
Told him it was a no-go.
Gentlemen.
Freddy.
- Hello, Marylin.
- Hello, Miles.
- This is where we first met, remember?
- Of course I remember.
It's hard to believe that when you walk out that
door today, you'll be walking out of my life forever.
It's not something
I wanted either.
But, then, I guess...
something inside of me died...
when I realized that
you'd hired a goon to kill me.
Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.
No. Both of you wait a minute.
- Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.
- Hear, hear.
Apparently, from what I can gather,
a burglar broke into your house.
Miles's house.
Whatever!
A burglar broke in intending to loot the place,
uh, repented,
became despondent over his lifestyle
and shot himself.
- So where does that leave you and me?
- Well, we've outlined a settlement.
We think it's very generous.
My client is prepared to consider a reconciliation.
But how could I trust you,
Miles, after all this?
See, that's exactly right. The point is...
You wounded me first, Marylin.
I'm not proud of what I've done,
but God knows, I did trust you once.
If you couldjust...
just give us another chance.
Well, if you'll pardon me here,
but I think my client is well beyond the point of considering...
How could I ever trust you again?
I mean, really trust you, Miles?
Marylin, there is nothing
in the Massey prenup that says...
it can't be executed
after the parties wed.
Well, if this, uh, indeed
is a Massey prenup,
and a cursory examination tends to support
that it is, then...
Oh, my God, Marylin.
You're exposed.
Marylin.
Counselor! Freddy!
Freddy.! Come on, Freddy.!
No fair.!
Freddy.!
Did you hear something?
Only the patter of little lawyers' feet.
Where did you find Howard?
The actor?
From a TV producer.
I think you know him.
I gave him an idea for a new show, so he made me a partner.
I guess that means I'm a partner.
I guess it does.
And what exactly is it
we're partners in?
Who gets what and who gets who?
You'll find out on
America's Funniest Divorce Videos.
Here's the star of our show,
Gus Petch.!
You goddamn right, folks.
I'm Gus Petch.
And we got a great show for ya. We gon'
make you laugh. We gon' make you cry.
- But most of all, we gon'nail yo'...
- Ass.!
Nail your ass!
Nail your ass!
Nail your ass.!
Gus.! Gus.! Gus.! Gus.!
Gus.! Gus.! Gus.! Gus.!
# Give a little
Take a little #
# Let your poor heart bleed, babe
a little, but, baby #
# That's the glory oflove #
# Cry a little
Sigh a little #
# Let the clouds roll by, babe
a little, but, baby #
# That's the glory oflove #
# As long as there's just the two of us
we have the world and its charms #
# As long as there's just the two of us
to hold each other's arms #
# Baby, now, win just a little
Lose a little #
# Sometime have the blues, babe
a little, but, baby #
# That's the glory oflove #
# Long as there's just the two of us
we have the world and its charms #
# Long as there's just the two of us
to hold each other's arms #
# Baby, now, win just a little
Lose a little #
# Sometime have the blues, babe
a little, but, baby #
# That's the glory oflove # #
# I am just a poor boy
though my story's seldom told #
# I have squandered my resistance #
# For a pocketful of mumbles
such are promises #
# All lies andjest #
# Still, a man hears
what he wants to hear #
# And disregards the rest #
# When I left my home
and my family #
# I was no more than a boy #
# In the company of strangers #
# In the quiet of a railway station
running scared #
# Laying low
Seeking out the poorer quarters #
# Where the ragged people go #
# Searching for the places
only they would know #
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li #
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li
la-li-li-li #
# Asking only workman's wages
I go lookin'for a job #
# But I get no offers #
# Just a come-on from the whores
on Seventh Avenue #
# I do declare #
# There were times
when I was so lonesome #
# I took some comfort there #
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li #
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li
la-li-li-li # #
# Though my story's seldom told #
# I have squandered my resistance #
# For a pocketful of mumbles #
# Such are promises #
# All lies and jest #
# Still, a man hears
what he wants to hear #
# Just a come-on from those gals #
#Just a come-on from the whores #
# On Seventh Avenue #
Whoo-whoo!
# I do declare #
# There were times
when I was so lonesome #
# That I took
some comfort there #
# La-la-la, la-la-la-la ##
Bonnie?
Who is it?
Donovan?
Bonnie?
Yes?
Donovan?
In here.!
Yes? Donovan.
Is everything all right?
Yeah. The production meeting
was put off, so I thought... Who's here?
Here?
Mm.
Who owns that piece-of-shit van
down there?
Oh...
It's just a guy, you know, going door-to-door
selling... pool cleaner.
So why did he lock himself in the den?
Well, he...
Oh, God.
- Remember my friend Ollie?
- Ollie Olerud?
Short, cretinous wanker?
Ohh. Ollie's in there?
- Yes.
- I see.
Well, I'm glad he finally
got himself a job.
I'd always picked him as some sort of
deadbeat, but... happy to be proved wrong.
So, he's selling
pool cleaner now, huh?
Well, this is the neighborhood for that. Just
door-to-door..."Running low on chlorine?"
It's quite a coincidence,
him just dropping by...
and you two
knowing each other so well.
Donovan, please, let's just all talk...
How you doin'?
Donovan? How you doin', man?
Good day, Ollie.
I'm great. You?
I... can't complain, man.
Excellent.
Well, let's get right down
to it then, shall we?
We'll take a couple vacuum hoses.
We probably need a new filter right about now, maybe...
Wait a minute, darling.
Do we actually have a swimming pool?
Okay, okay, man. Now, let's be
reasonable about this, okay?
So, you caught me porkin'...
havin'relations
with your old lady...
Oh, God.
and now we're all feelin' just a little bit
embarrassed by the whole thing, so, uh...
What the hey, man.
I mean, I know it's a drag and all,
but these things...
Hey! Hey, hey.
Uh, w-we... we...
we didn't actually have sex.
I was depressed 'cause
I'm impotent. You know?
Unable to achieve an erection.
I have been for over
a year now, man,
and I needed someone to talk to.
I mean, think about it, man.
A year without an erection?
Leave him alone!
- You should've seen this coming, you Australian piece of shit!
- You bitch.!
That's my Daytime Television
Lifetime Achievement Award!
Cheesy bastard!
Aaah!
You whore.!
Oh, Christ!
Okay.
All right, you want fun and games?
All right.
I'll give you fun and games.
Explain this away.
# Li-la-li #
Aaah! Ollie!
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li #
That's my Jag.! That's my Jag.!
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li #
That's my bloody Jag!
# Li-la-li-li-li #
You bitch!
Bitch! Bitch!
Bye-bye, baby!
Oh, what are you looking at?
Explain this away, darling.
# We're caught in a trap #
# I can't walk out #
# Because I love you
too much, baby #
# Why can't you see #
# What you're doin'to me #
# When you don't believe #
# A word I say #
# We can't go on together #
# With suspicious minds #
#Suspicious minds #
#And we can't build our dreams #
# On suspicious minds #
#So if an old friend I know #
#Drops by to say hello #
# Would I still see suspicion #
#In your eyes #
#But here we go again #
#Askin' where I been #
# You can't see the tears are real #
#I'm cryin'#
# Yes, I'm cryin'#
# We can't go on together #
# With suspicious minds #
# Suspicious minds #
# And we can't build our dreams #
# On suspicious minds #
# Oh, let our love survive #
# I'll dry the tears from your eyes #
# Let's don't let a good thing die #
# When, honey, you know #
# I have never #
# Lied to you #
# Mm-mmm #
# Yeah, yeah #
# We're caught in a trap #
# I can't walk out #
# Oooh #
#Because I love you #
# Too much, baby # #
Miles Massey's office.
Hey, it's me. Any messages?
Yeah, quite a few. Where are you?
Just whitening.
Jim says he wants a meeting today, if possible.
Mm-hmm. What else?
Chapman says his wife
is now in Tahoe.
Tell Amstedler
I'll return in 20 minutes,
get Wrigley to look up Oliphant v. Oliphant,
Common wealth of Virginia...
for its relevance
in the Chapman filing...
Oliphant v. Oliphant, relevance to Chapman...
She said she took the kids to Tahoe?
That's right.
Wait, which side of Tahoe?
She's on some kind of cruise.
Yeah, well, if the cruise goes all the way around
the lake, she's left the state and she's in breach.
Tell Wrigley to prepare a filing to attach.
A filing to attach.
What do you want in it?
Everything.
Primary residence, beach house, ski cabin,
auto, stocks, bonds, dental floss.
Everything.
Uh-huh. Gonna lose ya.
Uh-huh.
And tell Fred Armatrading that we finally
have pictures of his wife with the oral surgeon.
Oh, and get a fruit and pastry basket in the conference
room for my 9:30. Didn't have time for breakfast.
Where are you?
Comin' at ya.
Your 9:00 is here.
Bonnie Donaly.
Bonnie Donaly.
Mrs. Donaly.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Yes, your husband did show remarkable
foresight in taking those pictures,
and, yes,
absent a swimming pool,
the presence of a pool man
would appear to be suspicious.
But, madam,
who is the real victim here?
Let me suggest to you
the following.
Your husband, on a prior occasion,
had slapped you... beat you.
I think that word is not inappropriate.
No, I...
Let me finish, please.
I'm not concerned
with who slapped whom first.
Your husband, who had beaten you repeatedly...
No, he never...
Please... repeatedly, was at the time
brandishing your firearm.
- It was his gun.
- And we'll get it back for you.
Trying, in his rage,
to shoot an acquaintance,
a friend of long standing.
They never really cared
for each other.
And if not for your
cool-headed intervention,
his tantrum might have ended this
schmo's life and ruined his own.
As for the sexual indiscretion
which he imagined took place,
wasn't it in fact he...
who was sleeping with the pool man?
No?
Am I going too far here?
Were his sexual... No.
I don't...
Sorry. I'm not omniscient.
The point is that he acted upon an
assumption which he cannot prove,
and I take it you deny.
- Well...
- Fine. I'll take the case.
It's imperative that I meet with Oliver Olerud
before we proceed any further...
so that I can massage the kinks
out of our testimony.
Do you really think
we can put all this across?
The truth is so self-evident
to me, Mrs. Donaly,
that I'm sure I'll be able to make it
equally as transparent to anyjury,
should your husband
decide to take it that far.
We'll need to caucus again to draw up
a picture of your husband's net worth.
A map of enemy territory,
so to speak.
You said he's a television producer?
He has a soap opera... The Sands of Time.
It's a silly show.
Well, it'll be yours soon.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Mr. Massey.
Yeah. Bye-bye.
Still, you have to admire him
for taking those pictures.
Now, Mrs. Gutman,
you testified that you were
your husband's sexual slave...
for 36 years during
your marriage.
Except for two years when he was
in the navy in Southeast Asia.
And before your marriage,
what was your profession?
I was a hostess for Braniff Airlines.
And what is your husband's profession?
He manufactures staples
and industrial brad tacks.
He's very successful.
How would you describe
your husband's sexual proclivities?
Well, at first he was
a very gentle and tender lover.
But then he became
more and more fixated...
on toys and machinery
and devices of various kinds.
I can't help it.
You don't decide to become bored.
It just happens.
You're just looking for trouble.
It's a midlife crisis.
Look, get yourself a new car.
I have a new car.
I have two new cars and a tab
at the Mercedes dealership.
Torn the house down
twice,
rebuilt
the cabin in Vail,
got three of those, uh...
yard people...
Gardeners? Gardeners. I've
got a man who waxes my jet.
These encounters
were videotaped.
Sometimes
there would be a gizmo.
A gizmo?
He had a device he
called the Intruder.
It was something he had
the engineers at the factory design.
And then he had a prototype built
out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.
I see.
So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available
to me for several months.
Several months without the appliance.
Yes!
The problem is, everyone is
willing to compromise.
That's the problem with the institution of marriage.
It's based on compromise.
Even through its dissolution.
Mrs. Gutman here,
she's gonna score some points...
concerning her husband's
sexual politics.
Naturally,
we'll try to impeach.
And then the entire process
will find an equilibrium point...
based on the skill
of the individual lawyers.
Then both parties will go home with
their portion of the staple factory.
That's life.
Life is compromise.
That's not life.
That's death.
Struggle and challenge and ultimate destruction
of your opponent... that's life.
Let me ask you something.
Attila the Hun.
Thank you, Mrs. Gutman. Ivan the Terrible.
Henry the Eighth.
Mr. Massey, any questions?
What do they have in common?
Middle name. No. They didn't
just win. They... They...
Mr. Massey?
They destroyed...
Mr. Massey, again I ask,
have you any questions
for the complainant?
I'm sorry, Your Honor. I was
just consulting with an associate.
Now, Mrs. Gutman,
do you know a man
named David Gonzalez?
Well, he's the tennis pro at the club.
The tennis pro?
Then why are your letters addressed to him,
'Dear David and Goliath'?
Whoo! Whoo!
Go, Rexie!
Go, Rexie baby!
Whoo-hoo.!
Whoo!
Rexie!
Cabin seven.
Choo-choo!
Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Choo-choo!
Choo-choo.
Choo-choo!
Choo-choo.
- Choo-choo.
- Choo-choo.
Choo-choo.
- Choo-choo!
- Whoo-whoo!
Choo-choo!
Ahh! Oh! Choo!
Yeah!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
Oh, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
Yo' ass!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
Come to papa!
I'm gon'nail ya.!
Yeah, I got ya.!
I'm gon'nail yo'ass.!
Enough, I say!
Hold it.!
I'm gon'nail yo'ass.!
Yeah.! Yeah.!
A silly misunderstanding... Mm-hmm.
Someone nailed yo'ass.!
Mm-hmm, yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
I'm gon'nail yo' ass!
Yep, I nailed his ass.
I thought he'd outgrown trains.
They never grow up, lady.
They just get tubby.
How charming. An aphorist.
Oh, yeah, I've always
had ample proportions.
But believe you me, it's all muscle.
I'm as hard as a rock.
I'm not one of these cream puff,
sit-behind-the-desk private dicks.
I'm an ass-nailer.
So I see.
Gym four times a week...
hour and a half, plus stretching,
LifeCycle, LifeStep, LifeCircuit.
Gus Petch don't pussyfoot around.
I must say, for someone in your line of work,
you don't exhibit a great deal of tact.
You want tact, call a tactician. You
want an ass nailed, you call Gus Petch.
Christ, you seem to be
taking it pretty good.
I seen 'em come in here, weep and
wail like Baptists at a funeral.
Like they hired me to prove
their husbands weren't foolin' around.
Don't get me wrong, Mr., um...
Petch.
Gus Petch.
Whilst I don't find this terribly amusing,
I am delighted that you found this material.
This is going to be
my passport to wealth,
independence and freedom.
Sounds like to me
you gon' nail his ass.
Honey? Honey!
Rex, get away from the door.
Honey?
My key doesn't work.
Can we talk about this?
Rex, get away
from the door.
Oh, look, I know
that you're upset, honey.
Rex, for your own safety,
get away from the door.
I don't like having
to set the dogs on you.
Oh, for crying out loud,
if we could... Dogs?
Yes, dogs.
I wanted some security
since I'll be living here alone.
Look, Marylin, can't we have a civilized discussion about this?
Our lawyers can.
Aaah!
You have a discovery hearing at 5.30
for the Maxine Gopnick case.
Discovery? Gopnick?
And a Lance Kelso called.
He read your article about palimony settlements...
Lance Kelso.
in same-sex partnerships...
and would like to schedule an appointment.
Same-sex.
Arthur Yardumian and his tax attorney want to
reschedule their caucus for tomorrow.
Yardumian? Arthur had to fly to
Atlanta for a deadbeat dad hearing.
Atlanta? And your 10:30 is here.
Rex Rexroth.
- Rex Rexroth?
- Real estate. He's okay.
Mr. Rexroth.
Uh, call me Rex.
Please.
Miles Massey.
Please sit. Relax.
Consider this office your office, your haven,
your war room for the duration of the campaign.
Thank you.
Now, sir...
tell me your troubles.
Well...
my wife has me between a
rock and a hard place.
That's her job.
You should respect that.
When I first met Marylin,
we were crazy about each other.
Not emotionally, of course.
Just, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
But then...
then...
Time marches on.
- Ardor cools.
- Yeah.
So, um, we had an understanding.
Whereby?
We could see other people.
Has Mrs. Rexroth pursued the opportunities
implicit in your arrangement?
Uh, I can... I can only assume...
Not in court, you can't.
- Has she retained counsel?
- I don't know.
- She has rottweilers.
- Not a good sign.
And have you yourself exploited
your understood freedom?
There's a lady.
A- Ayoung lady.
She lets me be myself.
Of course.
And your wife is aware
and/or has evidence?
- Video.
- Hah!
To cut to the chase,
forensically speaking,
is there a prenup?
"The fault, dear Brutus, lies not
in our stars, but in ourselves."
Let me ask you this...
What kind of a settlement do you seek?
What are, for you,
the parameters of the possible?
Well, that's the problem.
I can't afford to give her anything.
Nothing?
Yeah, I know that sounds
a little rough, but listen,
I'm about to close a deal
to develop some mini-malls.
I'm mortgaged up to my heinie.
If this deal goes south, I am ruined.
I will lose millions.
So you propose...
that, in spite of demonstrable
infidelity on your part,
your unoffending wife should be
tossed out on her ear?
Well, is that possible?
It's a challenge.
Why don't you come out to Malibu
and see my new beach house tomorrow.
I didn't know Dmitri
had a beach house.
Neither did I until my lawyer found it.
Quite a paper trail.
He had it in the dog's name.
Oh.
Well, tomorrow won't work.
I'm having a body wrap.
How's Wednesday?
Hair appointment in the morning.
Afternoon? Shrink.
How's your Thursday?
I'm having facial injections.
That kills Friday and Saturday.
- Botox?
- Butt fat.
Does that really work?
You tell me.
Hello, darlings.
Mwah!
Mwah!
So, you and Rex are...
Well, as my private investigator put it,
we're gonna nail his ass.
I've been trying to nail George's
ass for years, but he is so careful.
Oh.! Oh.!
Are you all right, Claire?
Down the wrong pipe.
- So, who's your lawyer?
- Freddy Bender.
I have an appointment this afternoon
with Rex and his schnauzer.
So, who's Rex's guy?
Miles Massey.
Miles Massey?
Of Massey, Myerson?
Do you know him?
By reputation.
And, Marylin, he's no schnauzer.
He got Phyllis Rumsey that cute
little island of George's.
George was so impressed, he hired him
when he divorced his second.
- Muriel Rumsey.
- Who's she?
Now?
Night manager at McDonald's.
But, Marylin,
do we have a man for you.
Thorstenson Gieselensen.
He just separated from his third.
He's in fish.
He is fish.
Well, he's tuna.
Ladies, I'm not seeing anyone
until I've finished nailing Rex's ass.
But, Marylin,
this man is tuna.
Sarah, one husband at a time.
I'll do the talking.
I know you'll be tempted to chime in, but remember
that you're in an emotionally vulnerable state.
I'm the professional.
Oh.
Okay.
Freddy.
Freddy Bender,
this is Rex Rexroth.
And you are
the lovely Marylin.
Please, Ms. Rexroth.
And you must be Mr. Massey.
Please, Miles. Sit.
Sit down.
Freddy, I was sorry to hear
about the Goldberger award.
Pastry?
We did very well.
Not to worry, Mrs. Rexroth.
You're ably represented.
I'm sure Freddy's just too modest to tell you
he used to clerk for Clarence Thomas.
Pastry?
Going begging.
Don't try to bait me, Miles.
If you have a proposal to make,
let's hear it.
Well, at this point my client is still
prepared to consider reconciliation.
My client's ruled that out.
My client is prepared to entertain an amicable
dissolution to the marriage without prejudice.
That's a fart in a stiff wind.
My client proposes
a 30-day cooling-off period.
My client feels
sufficiently dispassionate.
My client asks that you not initiate proceedings
pending his setting certain affairs in order.
What's so goddamn funny?
Please, let me handle this.
All right, so much for the
ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy?
My client is prepared to settle
for 50 percent of the marital assets.
Why only 50, Freddy?
Why not a hundred?
While we're dreaming,
why not 150?
- Are you familiar with Kershner?
- Kershner does not apply.
Bring this to trial,
we'll see if Kershner applies.
What's Kershner?
Please, let me handle this.
- Kershner was in Kentucky.
- Kershner was in Kentucky?
- Kershner was in Kentucky.
- All right, Freddy, forget Kershner. What's your bottom line?
Primary residence,
What, are you nuts?
Have you forgotten Kershner?
Freddy, it's a negotiation.
See you at the preliminary.
Freddy, we're all friends here.
It's a negotiation. Hey, uh...
Freddy!
Fine. We'll eat the pastry.
I thought that went well.
# Don't cry out loud #
Oh, yeah.
Gus, you outdid yourself.
Mm-hmm.
Hear, hear.
Mm-hmm, that's cool.
Very cool.
Let's go back
to the football game.!
Oh, kiss my ass, now. It's halftime, man.
This is some good shit.
I'm'bout to nail his ass
right here.
Gussy, go back to the Rabinowitz tape again.
Hold on, now. Here come the good part.
She 'bout to take off her panties.
Oh, yeah. Come on, come on, come on.
Gus?
Mm-hmm... Yeah?
It's Miles Massey.
Uh, take a number.
It's about a job tonight.!
Goddamn it.
Aah! Aah! Did you see that?
Oh, come on, man!
Here we are.
Ms. Rexroth, I am so delighted
you decided to come.
Well, I must admit
I was curious.
Something to start?
Some wine, perhaps?
Red?
French?
Bordeaux?
Chateau Margaux?
'57?
'59.
'54.
Mmm, Mr. Massey.
Good, sir.
Your husband had told me you were the most
beautiful woman that he'd ever met.
I didn't expect the most beautiful woman
I'd ever met.
"Dismiss your vows,
your feigned tears, your flattery,
for where a heart is hard
they make no battery."
"Whoever loved that loved
not at first sight?"
Now, you didn't ask me here
to pick me up.
You could be disbarred for that.
Maybe I'm reckless.
What was your performance about this afternoon?
What did your lawyer say?
Oh, Freddy thinks you're a buffoon.
He says
you've been too successful,
you're bored, complacent,
and you're on your way down.
But you don't think so.
How do you know?
Why would you be here?
Why did you ask me?
Can't I be curious?
About what?
Do you ever answer questions?
Do you?
I'll have the tournedoes of beef.
The lady will have the same. Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
I assume you're a carnivore.
Oh, Mr. Massey, you have no idea.
Miles, please.
Tell me more about yourself.
All right, Miles.
Let me tell you
everything that you need to know.
You may think you're tough,
but I eat men like you for breakfast.
I've invested five good years
in my marriage to Rex,
and I've nailed his ass
fair and square.
Now I'm going to have it
stuffed, mounted...
and have my lady friends come over
and throw darts at it.
Man-hater, huh?
People don't go on safaris
'cause they hate animals.
So it's just for the hunt,
with the trophy at the end.
No. Nothing so frivolous.
This divorce means money.
Money means independence.
That's what I'm after.
What are you after, Miles?
Well, I'm a lot like you.
Just looking for
an ass to mount.
Well, don't look at mine.
Yeah.
Oy vey.
I got ya. See this?
Yeah?
Uh, I'll just have
a, um, salad, please.
Um, baby field greens.
What did you call me?
Uh, no, I-I...
I- I didn't call you anything.
You want a salad?
Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad?
What the fuck color
would it be?
Why are we eating here?
What's his problem?
Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy
tomato wedge smothered with French dressing.
- And for you?
- Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.
- Slaw cup?
- What the hell.
Hello, Marge.
How are you, Gus?
I'm all right.
Okay, now, I Minoxed
her address book.
Don't call me anymore
for this penny-ante shit.
I shoot action.
Me and the Ikegami, Jack.
Thank you, Gus.
And those rottweilers
were a menace, man.
I told you she had dogs.
Yeah. You ain't tell me
they had a hard-on for anus Africanus.
Gus, did you see any evidence,
any telltale signs...
of indiscretion on the
part of Mrs. Rexroth?
What are you talkin"bout,
"telltale signs"?
Look, I see an ass, I nail it.
I don't sneak around
sniffin' at sheets.
Goddamn it,
I'm Gus Petch!
Couldn't you
be disbarred for that?
No, I don't think so.
Maybe if I'd had the patty melt.
You had a guy break into her house
and photograph her address book.
No, Wrigley, I happened
to let a man know...
that I was interested in her address book...
that's not criminal.
I also happened to let him know that I was
taking her out to dinner.
That's not a crime either.
No, I don't see myself
as culpable in any sense.
You, on the other hand,
could be disbarred...
for developing and examining these photos
of her address book,
but that doesn't
really concern me.
Right.
Who are you looking for?
Tenzing Norgay.
Tenzing Norgay.
That's someone she slept with.
I doubt it. Tenzing Norgay was the Sherpa that
helped Edmund Hillary climb Mt. Everest.
And Marylin knows him.
No, you idiot. Not the Tenzing Norgay.
Her Tenzing Norgay.
I'm not sure
that I actually follow that.
Few great accomplishments are achieved
single-handedly, Wrigley.
Most have their Norgays.
Marylin Rexroth is even now
climbing her Everest.
I wanna find her Norgay.
But how do you determine
which of the people on here are...
How do you spot a Norgay?
Yeah.
You start with the people
with the funny names.
Oyez, oyez. Family Court of the Fifth District
of Los Angeles County now in session.
The Honorable Marva Munson presiding.
All rise.
Have you sat before her before?
No. No, the judge sits first.
Then we sit.
Well, have you sat
after her before?
Sat after her before?
You mean, have we argued before her before?
The judge sits in judgment.
The counsel argues before the judge.
So, have you argued
before her before?
Before her before, or before she sat before?
Before her before.
I said, before her before.
No, you said before she sat before.
I did at first, but...
Look, don't argue.
I'm not. I'm... No, you don't argue.
We argue.
Counsel argues.
You appear.
Thejudge sits.
Then you sit.
- Or you stand in contempt.
- And then we argue.
The counsel argues.
Which you've done before.
Which we've done before.
Ah.
But not before her.
Rex. Sit.
There it is! I got it!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
Enough, I say!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass! Yeah!
Yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
A silly misunderstanding...
Get that thing off me!
Yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
I'm gon' nail yo' ass!
I'm gon' nail your ass.!
Devastated.
Simply devastated.
Thank you, Mrs. Rexroth.
Mr. Massey, any questions?
"Dismiss your vows,
"your feigned tears, your flattery,
for where a heart is hard
they make no battery."
Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?
Objection, Your Honor.
- Grounds?
- Uh, poetry recitation.
Let me rephrase.
Mrs. Rexroth...
how high is that wall
around your heart?
Your Honor, this is harassment,
and, frankly, it's still
a little, uh, arty-farty.
- Rephrase. Mrs. Rexroth, have you ever been in love?
- Yes.
Of course.
With Rex.
And you've always loved him?
"Whoever loved
that loved not at first sight?"
So...
So it's your sworn testimony
that you have loved Rex Rexroth...
since first you met?
Yes.
Thank you.
No further questions,
Your Honor.
Who's next, Mr. Bender?
- We rest, Your Honor.
- Mr. Massey.
Your Honor, I call Heinz,
the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.!
Problem?
Puffy.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.!
Tenzing Norgay.
Mr. Krauss, do you solemnly swear that...
Krauss von Espy.
Mr. Krauss von Espy,
do you solemnly...
Baron Krauss von Espy.
solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give shall
be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
- Mais bien sr.
- No maybes.
Mais bien sr.
But of course, yes.
The baron does not lie.
Have a seat, sir.
Did you sleep with him?
Don't be a fool.
Shush, Elsbieta.
Shush-shush-shush-shush.
Baron von Espy,
what is your profession?
Silly man. I am a baron.
Yes, but do you not
also hold a day job?
Paying job.
A, uh, a square job.
Well, one has to live.
I am the concierge
of Les Pantalons Rouges...
at Bad-Gadesbourg
in the canton of Uri.
And what does that job entail?
I satisfy such requests
as the clientele may present.
Towels, ice, etcetera?
We have bellmen for that.
No, no, no.
Such requests that, were you at home,
you would address not to your valet...
but to your majordomo.
Shush, poochy-chow.
I see. Baron, do you
recognize that woman?
Ah, cher Marylin.
But of course.
Look who is here. Hi!
And she was a guest
of the Red... Trousers?
Oh, many times,
for relaxing and making
Alpine recreation.
Mm-hmm. I am curious about
her visit of five years ago.
January 1998.
Can you remember any specific request
she made at that time?
- Yes, I can.
- At what, at that time, did she tell you she required?
She said that she required...
a husband!
Do you want some bones? Huh?
Does Elsbieta want some bones?
Has anyone any bones?
Does anyone have any bones?
B... Uh, bones? Dog candies?
No, they are not candies. Milk-Bones.
Hard, crunchy bones for the teeth.
Uh, hard, uh...
We'll attend to the dog later.
Now, Baron...
Where were we?
"She said that
she required a husband.
"Oh, do you want some bones?
"Does Elsbieta want some bones?
Has anyone any bones?
Hard, crunchy bones for the..."
Right.
Now, a husband.
That's an unusual request.
Did she specify what kind
of a husband she was looking for?
Stop him.
Objection.
- Grounds?
- Uh... hearsay.
It's not secondhand, Your Honor.
This is direct testimony about the baron's own conversation.
- I'm going to allow it.
- Yeah.
She said she wanted
a very rich husband.
She wanted to know the businesses and the wealths-s...
the wealths-s-s...
Can I say this?
Wealths of our various eligible guests.
And did she have
any other specifications?
- Objection, Your Honor. Inflammatory.
- What's good for the gander, Your Honor.
- Is this a legal argument..."What's good for the gander?"
- You got to play your tape, Freddy.
Mr. Massey has a point there.
I'm going to allow it.
Were there any other
specifications?
She "specificated" a silly man.
Objection, Your Honor.!
I'm going to allow it.
She 'specificated' a man who,
though clever at making money,
would be easily duped
and controlled.
Objection, Your Honor.
Shut up, Freddy. She's allowing it.
She 'specificated'a man
with a wandering pee-pee.
How you say? Aphilanderer whose affairs
would be transparent to the world.
Objection, Your Honor!
Finally, a man whom
she could herself brazenly cuckold...
until such time
as she might choose to, uh...
We would say, "faire un coup
de marteau sur des fesses."
You would say,
"make hammer on his fanny."
- Your Honor, Objection! I-Irrelevant!
- I'm going to allow it!
Tell us, Baron...
Did you introduce her to such a man?
Sir, I am the concierge!
And to whom did you introduce
that calculating woman?
I introduced her...
to that silly man.
Your Honor, objection.!
Let the record show that the baron
has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!
I did it! It was I!
I introduced her to that silly man!
- You son of a bitch!
- The red-faced angry one. I introduced them!
Absolument!
I did it.! It was I.!
I just love trains!
I love trains!
If you please, sir!
I'm not sick.!
You're the one who's sick.!
No...
If you please...
Not the larynx!
Objection, Your Honor!
Strangling the witness!
I'm going to allow it.
Well, I think it stinks.
They left you with nothing.
Makes you wonder about
the entire legal system,
like Rodney what's-his-name.
They bought
Massey's argument.
If I lied or cheated and
was with Rex only for his money,
then he shouldn't have to
give me any.
Well, that makes no sense.
Why else would you put in all those years?
Oooh!
Are you all right, Sarah?
Yeah. Wh-What is it?
Peptic ulcer.
I have medication, but I can't take it
before elective surgery.
You shouldn't be
living here alone, Sarah.
My goddamn husbands
gave me the ulcer.
But a bottle of Bromo
can't love you back.
Yeah.
It's a catch-22.
I have to admit,
I don't like living alone.
I mean, do I need 46 rooms?
You could see people.
It's risky. Palimony.
Son of a bitch Marvin Mitchelson.
I'm telling you, honey, getting laid
is financial Russian roulette.
Maybe I shouldjust tear it all down,
build a cottage.
More landscaping.
Well, with my money,
I can't afford to be fooling around.
Besides, I have you.
It'll be fun...
just the girls.
Well, thanks, Sarah, but I can't
sleep on your couch forever.
I'm going to marry again,
nail the guy's ass good.
And this time
there'll be no Puffy von Espy.
Knock knock.
Excuse me. Mr. Donaly?
Mr. Donaly?
Mr. Donaly, excuse me.
You are Donovan Donaly?
I'm in a meeting.
Mr. Donaly.
I need a name.
And, of course, we will have to litigate.
Sentence, paragraph.
Naturally, the first concern
for both parties...
is the welfare
of little WendellJunior.
Nevertheless, we do question whether the
continuing expenses for his special ed classes...
are truly justified,
given the great strides...
Mr. Massey,
the senior partner would like to see you.
Herb wants to see me?
If you have a moment.
Fourteen summary judgments sought.
Thirteen granted.
Eighteen movements to void
for respondent's prejudice.
Eighteen granted.
Twelve court days on
the Rexroth case alone.
at full attorney rate.
Eighty-five lunches charged.
Counselor...
you are the engine...
that drives this firm.
Mr. Massey?
Please, no calls.
I'm feeling... a little fragile.
I'm sorry, Mr. Massey, but I felt certain you'd
want to know Marylin Rexroth wants to see you.
Marylin... Uh, uh, uh, w...
Uh, when did she, uh...
She's here now.
Is she armed?
Give me a minute.
Marylin.
How nice of you to...
Marylin?
Shame on you.
Marylin.
What a lovely surprise.
Marylin, what a pl...
- Who the hell are you?
- Hello, Miles.
So nice of you to see us.
May I introduce Howard D. Doyle
of Doyle Oil.
I'm goddamn pleased
to meet you.
Marylin here, she says you're the best.
Says you're aces.
Well, thank you, Mr., uh...
Uh, any... any relation to
John D. Doyle of Doyle Oil?
Oh, you must be talkin' about Grandpa John.
My papa's John D. too.
The Deuce, we called him.
You know, kinda the rebel of the family.
But they knocked off that whole John D. routine
when they christened Yours Truly.
Grandpa nearly had a stroke.
He did have a stroke, but that was later,
during the labor activity in '52.
The government stepped in.
Mm-hmm. Uh...
They called it mediation.
Well...
He called it
incipient communism.
Of course, that's when
he had his stroke.
Golly, the whole left side of his body
is as useless as tits on a boar hog.
He lingered in a vegetative state for years...
Well, that is fascinating, Mr. Doyle.
What say we have a seat?
A seat?
Marylin's had me runnin'
up and down Rodeo Drive all day long.
Kinda hit-and-run shoppin', you know.
Take no prisoners.
Forced march kind of thing.
My God, my dogs are barkin'.
We started out at this li'I oI' place right off
of Wilshire... It's been quite a day.
Had pewter things.
But anyway, Miles, I know you're busy and you charge
by the hour, so I'll get straight to the point.
Howard D. and I
are planning to marry.
Well...
Well, I suppose that congratulations are in order.
Well, thank you, Miles.
You know, the urge to wedlock and form a lastin' monogamous
bond sanctified by ritual, it's pert-near universal.
As a matter of fact, it might be of some
interest to you, bein' in a related business...
Even your indigenous Americans...
Uh, I believe it was your Cree... used to...
Howard and I are here because I've learned,
through bitter experience,
that when it comes to matrimony and law,
you are the very best.
And as you are well aware,
my previous marriage...
ended in an unjustified stain...
upon my reputation.
My motives were impugned.
I was slandered in court.
I was painted a harlot.
Oh, honey, you ain't no harlot.
Oh, yes, honey.
So it's my desire to remove
any trace of suspicion...
from the mind of my
dear Howard Doyle.
Oh, honey, come on, now.
I wish to execute a
prenuptial agreement.
And I'm dead-set against it.
I mean, just anti the whole deal.
Howard's lawyers prefer it.
I insist upon it.
Oh, damn lawyers. Uh, no offense to the
present company or anything, you know.
Now, is it my understanding that the Massey
prenup has never been penetrated?
That is correct.
Not to blow my own horn, but they devote
an entire semester to it at Harvard Law.
They got a hell of a school up there,
ain't no doubt about it.
We donated that Doyle building up there here a while back.
Mm-hmm.
Now, I myself went to Texas A&M.
I'm an Aggie.
- Business?
- Tight end.
And I had a fair amount of success
against the split-T defense.
See, when they line up
symmetrical thataway,
it allows me to buttonhook and, you know, do a
down-and-in, up-and-out and different things...
post pattern every now and then.
Your tight ends don't
generally run a post.
But if the QB calls it,
hell, I'm ready.
Interrupt for a second?
Yeah.
I wanna make sure that you both understand...
what it is you're asking.
The Massey prenup provides that in the
event of a dissolution of the marriage,
for any reason,
both parties will leave it with what
they brought in... and earned during.
No one can profit
from the marriage.
The prenup protects
the wealthier party.
Without it, that party is exposed,
a sitting duck.
Not a hell of a lot
of romance in that.
No, sir, there is not.
No romance.
More to the point,
no wriggle room.
So, are we sure...
that this is what we want?
Absolutely.
It's my gift to Howard,
for his peace of mind,
whether or not he's worried
about it at this moment.
Oh, honey pie,
do I look worried?
Excuse me, Mr. Doyle.
Could I just borrow your charming
fiance for a moment?
Well, okay.
You gon' leave a deposit?
What are you up to?
Something
you won't understand, Miles.
Howard and I are very much in love.
I don't know what you're thinking, but I have to warn you,
the Massey prenup has never been penetrated.
You sign the prenup,
you can't get his money.
Thanks for the professional help.
Marylin, think of me for a moment...
not as an attorney but as a friend.
Does that mean you won't be
charging us for the hour?
Dump him.
You can't nail his ass.
Is that all?
No, that's not all.
I could have you disbarred for that.
It was worth it.
A romantic divorce attorney.
You fascinate me.
I'll get right on it.
I'll whip something up.
All right. Thank you.
How's Lionel?
He's fine.
He asked me to deliver the keynote address
at this year's convention in Vegas.
That's quite an honor.
I suppose.
On top of a great victory.
What was that?
'What was that'?
Um, Rex Rexroth?
He kept everything? You win? No compromise?
Isn't that what you wanted?
Oh, good God, Miles.
What are you looking for?
I don't know.
Okay, I won.
What then?
How many cases
has Herb Myerson won?
The old man?
More than anybody. He's a legend. And look at him.
He's 87 years old, he's the first one
into the office in the morning.
- No home life.
- Who needs a home when you have a colostomy bag?
She can't really love this dope,
can she?
Who? Uh, who loves who?
Marylin Rexroth.
She signed a prenup
for an oil millionaire.
A... Massey... prenup?
Yeah.
Well, then she is not
after his money.
Only love is in mind
if the Massey is signed.
# April #
# Come she will #
# When streams are ripe
and swelled with rain #
# Nay, she will stay #
# A-resting in my arms again #
What the hell's wrong with you?
# April #
# Come she will # #
Thank you for coming
to this celebration...
of the love between our two friends,
Marylin and Howard.
In today's cynical world,
it's so hard to take
that great leap of faith...
aboard the ship of love and caring.
But today Marylin and Howard
are taking that leap...
and telling us, their friends,
that they do believe,
that they do have faith,
that they do love.
Do you, Howard Drexler Doyle,
take Marylin to be your shipmate
on this journey through life,
through gale and doldrum,
seas choppy, wild and calm?
Yes, I do, Father Scott.
And do you, Marylin Rexroth, take Howard
to be your shipmate and companion...
to ports of every clime,
be it in first class or steerage?
I do.
Then, by the power vested in me
by the State of California,
and as captain of the
good shipAmore Veritas,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
What do you think?
- What are they, ladles?
- Berry spoons.
Spoons?
Berry spoons.
Everybody has spoons.
And nobody needs berry spoons.
Everybody eats berries.
Who are you, Pollyanna?
Hey, everybody! Folks! Hey, y'all!
Where'd you see'em at?
A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings?
I need your attention for a minute.
Stadium seat ass-warmers?
Dear God, Wrigley, how many cockamamie personal
possessions do we have to amass...
Why so angry?
Now, I know it's not common practice for the groom
to give his bride a gift on their weddin' day,
but ever since
I met Marylin there...
I can't seem to quit
givin' her things.
And I don't wanna stop 'cause it feels so durn good!
Chow Sing, bring that barbecue sauce
over here, little buddy.
There you go.
Put that thing on my neck now.
Now, honey,
it's like the padre said.
I want love and trust between us.
Love and trust and
not a thing else.
And this here deed
that I'm fixin' to perform...
Well, honey, let me just, uh...
You see this?
This is for you, darlin.
This here is for you.
This here is for you, baby.
Ever'last little speck of it.
I love you.
I mean, I love you
like a son of a bitch!
I trust you.!
This here is for you, baby.
Brilliant!
Baby, this is for you.
What is it?
I really love you.
It's the prenup.
I love her!
I trust her.!
Ladies and gentlemen,
It's the prenup!
I trust her.!
Brilliant!
You look beautiful.
Ladies,
if you'll excuse us.
We have to talk.
I would like to offer
my congratulations.
It was a beautiful gesture
of Howard's.
Well, Howard
is a beautiful person.
A diamond in the rough.
And I have a feeling that
someday soon...
you'll be taking that diamond
and leaving the rough.
In a month or so, once I've established that
I've tried to make the marriage work.
May I offer my services?
Oh, thanks.
But no.
No, I'm retaining Freddy Bender.
Poor Freddy. He was awfully blue
after my last divorce.
Well, I admire your loyalty.
To lawyers, anyway.
I guess without the prenup
it's something even Freddy could manage.
But how did you
get Howard to do it?
It felt like it was his idea.
Surely, Mr. Massey,
you've addressed enough juries...
to appreciate
the power of suggestion.
Mmm.
# Wish I was a Kellogg's Corn Flake #
Look, now that the marriage is winding down,
have dinner with me.
No.
No, nothing doing until
the ink is dry on the settlement.
Oh, this'll be no settlement.
If I know Marylin Rexroth, this'll be
nothing short of a complete and total...
annihilation.
You're gonna win.
Excuse me?
I can always tell, going to Vegas,
who's gonna win.
Well, thanks,
but I'm going on business.
I always win.
# Yeah #
# Yeah #
You know why I hate this town,
Wrigley?
You see, people get to Las Vegas, and all of a sudden,
the rules of the moral universe don't apply.
When God is dead,
all things are possible.
I saw an ad in the paper:
"No-fault divorce...
two-week divorce without a lawyer."
Made me sick to my stomach.
"No-fault divorce."
Good God.
Talk about your oxymoron.
What's the world comin' to?
One man can only do so much.
One man... What
are you talkin' about?
- Freddy.
- I had lunch with Freddy Bender yesterday.
He tells me that Marylin Rexroth-Doyle
is now richer than Croesus.
Ah, yes, but is she richer
than Mrs. Croesus?
She could buy and sell you 10 times over.
She...
- My God, is that her?
- Mmm.
Freddy said she was flying in with him.
Celebrating, I guess.
I'm fascinated by that creature.
Richer than me, huh?
Well, she deserves every penny.
And now she's single again.
Excuse me.
No. You should stay away
from her, Miles.
Recite your keynote address.
Take a cold shower.
You're looking well, Marylin.
Hello, Miles.
Obscene wealth becomes you.
I should've known you'd be here.
Be here?
I'm the keynote speaker.
Oh, how nice for you.
"Nailing Your Spouse's Assets."
Excuse me?
My speech.
Oh!
Oh, I'm sure you'll
bring the house down.
It's an easy crowd.
At this point, I would think you're probably the
only person that I can't teach anything to.
Really?
Mmm.
Now, correct me,
but since by now the ink must be dry,
I believe
I have the right to collect.
On? You promised to have dinner
with me once you were free.
I said I wouldn't whilst I wasn't,
which implies no promise once I am.
Noted.
Let me rephrase.
I would be delighted... honored, really...
if you'd...
Howard!
Ow! Howard!
Howard!
You named him after your ex.
I'm sentimental.
Well, I'm free this evening, so I suppose
a little dinner would do no harm.
Le Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin,
Yes. Thank you.
I'll take care of it.
Marylin, this is
a moment to savor.
Yes, we were adversaries,
but we were also professionals.
So let us raise a glass
to friendship.
To victory.
So, how does it feel?
Sorry?
Victory. Independence.
Oh, um...
- Well, frankly, Miles...
- It's not everything you'd hoped for?
I know the feeling.
Independence.
Two-edged sword.
My friend... My best friend...
Sarah Sorkin?
Sarah Battista-O'Flanagan-Sorkin?
The O'Flanagan settlement?
- Ahh.
- Hmm.
- Huh.
- Anyway, three fine settlements.
More money
than she could ever hope to spend.
Yes.
Her vaunted independence.
Don't tell me. She sits around the house, afraid to
see people, afraid to put her portfolio into play.
And only a peptic ulcer
to keep her warm at night.
Yes.
There's a certain point
when you've achieved your goals.
You realize that you're
still not satisfied.
Yes.
We should order.
You know,
I'm not really hungry.
Neither am I.
Shh.
Hello?
Miles?
Hello? Marylin?
Sarah Sorkin just died!
Marylin!
Her ulcer...
perforated.
Infection.
Yes.
Miles?
Yes, Marylin?
She was alone.
She'd been dead for two days
before her Pilates instructor found her.
Marylin, listen to me.
No arguments. No discussions.
I'll have Wrigley meet us at the Wee Kirk o' the Heather.
- Wrigley!
- The vows are from an Arapaho dawn greeting ceremony.
The music is Simon and Garfunkel.
And this is the Massey prenup.
- You the two gettin' married?
- Mr. MacKinnon here will be officiating.
Sorry. Short notice.
Pen.
Marylin, you're welcome
to examine this.
This is the Massey prenup.
As you know, it's ironclad.
We tried to reach Freddy Bender.
We tried to reach Freddy, to have him here for your protection,
but we couldn't find him. I couldn't get him.
Are you two here to get married
or to bullshit?
- So you can't hope to benefit from the marriage?
- Not in any way.
And my wealth is completely...
completely protected?
As if a lead veil
had been drawn across it.
Do you still want to marry me?
More than ever.
Are ya rentin' kilts?
Do you, Miles Longfellow Massey,
of Massey, Myerson, Sloan
and Gurolnick, L.L.P.,
take Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle
to be your lawful wedded wife?
I do. Yes. I do. I do.
Let me finish.
Jesus, have you never been married before?
To have and to hold, to love and to cherish,
till death do you part?
I do.
And do you,
Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle,
take Miles Longfellow Massey
to be your lawful wedded husband,
To have and to hold, to love and to cherish,
till death do you part?
- I do.
- I now pronounce you man and wife.
I'll take care of you later.
No, no, no, no, no. No.
This is all wrong. Wha...
Is it the kilt?
Do you love me?
More than anything.
Can I trust you?
Yes. You can trust me.
Darling, you're exposed.
A sitting duck.
I hereby declare the 12th Congress
of the National Organization...
of Matrimonial Attorneys Nation wide... open.
As our first order of business, it is a privilege
to call to the podium our keynote speaker.
From the Los Angeles firm of Massey,
Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick,
a man whose name is synonymous
with bitter disputes and big awards,
Miles Massey.
Thank you, Branco.
In the world of...
In the world of matrimonial law,
there are...
In the world of matrimonial law,
there are multiple tactics...
Friends,
this morning I stand before you
a very different Miles Massey...
than the one that
addressed you last year...
on the disposition of marital assets
following murder/suicide.
I wish to talk to you today
not about technical matters of law.
I wish to talk to you
about something more important.
I wish to talk to you
from the heart...
because today...
for the first time in my life,
I stand before you... naked...
vulnerable...
and in love.
Love.
It's a word
we matrimonial lawyers avoid.
Funny, isn't it? We're frightened of this
emotion, which is, in a sense,
the seed of our livelihood.
Well, today Miles Massey
is here to tell you...
that love need
cause us no fear.
Love need cause us no shame.
Love is...
good.
Love is good.
I am, of course, aware that these remarks
will be received here with cynicism.
Cynicism, that cloak that
advertises our indifference...
and hides all human feeling.
Well, I'm here to tell you that that cynicism
which we think protects us...
in fact destroys.
Destroys love,
destroys our clients,
and, ultimately,
destroys ourselves.
Colleagues, when our clients come to us
confused and angry and hurting...
because their flame of love
is guttering and threatens to die,
do we seek to extinguish that flame
so that we can sift...
through the smoldering wreckage
for our paltry reward,
or do we fan
this precious flame,
this most precious flame,
back into loving, roaring life?
Do we counsel fear or trust?
Do we seek to destroy or build?
Do we meet our clients'problems
with cynicism...
or with love?
The choice is, of course,
each of ours.
For my part, I've made the leap of love,
and there's no going back.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
the last time I will address you...
as the president of N.O.M.A. N...
or as a member.
I intend to devote myself to pro bono
work in East Los Angeles...
or... one of those other...
God bless you all.
I love you, man.
So, Wrigley, I'm gonna be relinquishing
my partnership in Massey, Myerson.
If you'd care to join me in my
new endeavor, I'd be delighted.
Of course, I can't offer you the same kind of financial
remuneration you've grown accustomed to,
but the work'll have
to serve as its own reward.
Barkeep, we'll have two of your finest scotches.
That's the, uh...
- I propose a toast. Barkeep!
- That's... That's the soap that used to belong to, uh...
Now, you'll be serving in a junior capacity, of course.
Donovan Donaly.
- Miles, that's, uh... that's, uh... uh...
- It'll be a small operation, a boutique.
Let me tell you what they called me
in medical school.
The... I don't see why
my leadership skills should...
Howard?
Mackenzie the Mechanical Marvel.
It's Howard.
You see, I have no nerves.
He's not an oil tycoon.
An actor.
Doctor, this is highly unusual.
So Marylin married a soap actor.
So she's... she's... poor.
Get yourself some clean scrubs
and have them prepare the O.R.
- Well, thank God you have the prenup.
- I have no prenup.
- You have no prenup.
- I have no prenup.
You have no prenup.
Thanks.
Okay.
- Marylin?
- Oh, hello, Miles.
- Going back to L.A.?
- Yes.
Look, Miles, I think it's only fair
to warn you that after a decent interval,
I intend to have Freddy
seek an injunction...
that would forbid you to approach
within 500 feet of my house.
You mean, my house. Oh, I believe the
residence will be part of the settlement.
Marylin, didn't last night
mean anything to you?
Oh. Well, about as much as it'll mean to you...
half of your net worth.
Oh, Miles, you'll always be
my favorite husband.
But no more sentiment,
darling.
I really have to be going.
The dog's rented.
You didn't win.
Excuse me?
I can always tell, comin' back
from Vegas, who didn't win.
You're right.
But...
you're going through with it?
Yes.
I just felt so sorry for him
for a minute there.
At the preliminary hearing,
he just looked so beaten.
Well, he was beaten, fair and square.
I know, but...
Oh, their pathetic look.
It's what they all fall back on
when they don't have a prenup.
Just stay strong
until the divorce is final.
Relax...
and enjoy your pool.
Do you think he's eating enough?
Marylin!
This woman has humbled,
shamed and disgraced
the entire firm.
- Yes, Herb.
- Counselor...
this firm deals in power.
This firm deals in perception.
This firm cannot prosper...
nor long endure
if it is perceived to be...
dancing to the music of a hurdy-gurdy!
It's just...
Herb, for the first time
in my career,
I don't know what to do.
I'm a patsy.
I'm a sittin' duck. I'm lost.
Lost?
I'll tell you what you can do.
You can act like a man.
And let me
tell you something, smart guy.
You thought you had it
all figured out.
Trust. Marriage.
All your goddamn love, love, love!
Now, you listen to me. I'm gonna
talk to you about the goddamn law.
We serve the law!
We honor the law!
And sometimes, Counselor,
we obey the law.
But, Counselor,
this is not one of those times.
Are you... WheezyJoe?
Which of youse is Smith?
Well, uh, we're here
representing Mr. Smith...
on a matter of some delicacy.
- Who's the pigeon?
- The what?
- Who you want me to kill?
- Yes. Well, we would like you...
Mr. Smith would like you
to neutralize...
terminate...
render unto a state of...
so that
she isn't so much, uh... uh...
- Breathing.
- Yes. A business associate...
by the name of Marylin Rexroth-Doyle-Massey...
Smith... Massey.
Is that one person?
I have some photos here...
of Miss Rexroth, and, um, that's the address
that she's staying at.
That is Mr. Smith's address...
Massey's... Smith...
It's Mr. Smith's address, although
Mr. Smith is not directly involved.
Because of an impending legal matter, we need
this to happen within a certain time frame.
- On an expedited basis.
- You're in a rush.
We're not in a rush.
Mr. Smith is.
Sh... Sh... Sh... She won't...
She won't suffer, will she?
Not unless you pay extra.
# Oh, I've been workin'
on the railroad #
#All the livelong day #
# I've been workin' on the railroad #
# Just to pass the time away #
# Can't you hear the whistle blowing #
# Rise up so early in the morn # #
Toot-toot!
Whistle's goin' "toot-toot."
What's the matter, Rexie?
Hello?
Yes, he's here.
One moment, please.
Miles.
It's for you.
Hello? Yes?
What?
I see.
My God.
- What?
- That was Marvin Untermeyer.
He was Rex Rexroth's
personal attorney.
Yes?
What do you mean, he was?
Rex had a massive coronary
in the middle of a business meeting.
He's dead.
Well, I'm very sorry to hear that,
but you two weren't... close,
were you?
Marvin said that Rex's will was four years old.
Never redrafted it.
He was stinkin'rich.
Yes?
Everything goes to Marylin.
She's not poor.
She's richer than you.
She is exposed. No prenup.
She's a sitting duck.
She's a sitting duck.
Can't kill her. No need. Mm-hmm.
No. It would be pointless.
She's exposed. It's pointless.
Exposed. Why kill the only woman you've
ever loved when she's the richer party?
She's rich. And I love her.
Don't need to kill her.
Ah. What? Ah!
You've reached
WheezyJoe. What do you want? Joe!
Hi, it's Miles Smith...
Mr. Smith... calling to say...
on behalf of myself, that it is...
No-go.
uh, no-go concerning Marylin.
I'm speaking with no knowledge.
This is what Mr. Smith wants.
This is what I want.
I am Mr. Smith.
Thank you.
That was good.
- You think I'm protected?
- Ehh... You...
Am I protected?
I think it would hold up.
- Marylin.
- Yes, yes. Marylin.
- What do we do? What if he's on his way there?
- Yes. Oh!
- If he's on his way there...
- Oh, no! Marylin!
Get her out and buy some time.
Buy some time!
Hello?
Marylin, you must leave
the house immediately.
It's imperative that you leave the house.
Hello, Miles.
- Hello, dear.
- Now, Miles, pending final settlement,
you know that I'm entitled to use the house.
No, no, no! You don't understand!
It's an emergency!
An emergency!
What is it?
I forgot that I left the gas main on, which leaks!
- Good gosh. That sounds dangerous.
- It's a deadly, odorless, colorless,
"liquid-less" gas that... that attacks
the central nervous system...
and causes diarrhea
and facial tics!
Okay. All right.
Well, thanks for calling, Miles. Okay. Bye-bye.
I think she bought it.
So, tell me...
who sent you?
Mr. Smith.
Is this Mr. Smith?
No.
That's his lawyer.
Whatever they're paying you,
I'll double.
What now? We wait for WheezyJoe.
We tell him it's a no-go.
Careful.
Rottweilers.
Looks like she's gone.
Looks like she bought it.
Good stuff. There's no one here.
Except for the rottweilers.
Sure. Rottweilers.
You go that way.
Wheezy Joe?
Wheezy Joe, thank God you're in time.
You're not in time. We're in time.
Thank God we're in time.
Look, it's a no-go. You get it?
No one need be the wiser, so you can just go on home.
Good-bye. You know,
thank you so much.
Hear that? Okay?
No, no. No, no. No, no.
No-go. No contract.
It's off. It's...
Will you explain to the lunkhead that
it's a no-go? No-go. It's a no-go.
We'll settle your contract later. Look, you're fired, pal.
Let it go. Walk away.
- Golden parachute.
- Don't let the screen door hit you. Does he speak any language?
Here's what happened, Mr. Carnera. We feel that...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wheezy.! Uh...
Told him it was a no-go.
Gentlemen.
Freddy.
- Hello, Marylin.
- Hello, Miles.
- This is where we first met, remember?
- Of course I remember.
It's hard to believe that when you walk out that
door today, you'll be walking out of my life forever.
It's not something
I wanted either.
But, then, I guess...
something inside of me died...
when I realized that
you'd hired a goon to kill me.
Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.
No. Both of you wait a minute.
- Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.
- Hear, hear.
Apparently, from what I can gather,
a burglar broke into your house.
Miles's house.
Whatever!
A burglar broke in intending to loot the place,
uh, repented,
became despondent over his lifestyle
and shot himself.
- So where does that leave you and me?
- Well, we've outlined a settlement.
We think it's very generous.
My client is prepared to consider a reconciliation.
But how could I trust you,
Miles, after all this?
See, that's exactly right. The point is...
You wounded me first, Marylin.
I'm not proud of what I've done,
but God knows, I did trust you once.
If you couldjust...
just give us another chance.
Well, if you'll pardon me here,
but I think my client is well beyond the point of considering...
How could I ever trust you again?
I mean, really trust you, Miles?
Marylin, there is nothing
in the Massey prenup that says...
it can't be executed
after the parties wed.
Well, if this, uh, indeed
is a Massey prenup,
and a cursory examination tends to support
that it is, then...
Oh, my God, Marylin.
You're exposed.
Marylin.
Counselor! Freddy!
Freddy.! Come on, Freddy.!
No fair.!
Freddy.!
Did you hear something?
Only the patter of little lawyers' feet.
Where did you find Howard?
The actor?
From a TV producer.
I think you know him.
I gave him an idea for a new show, so he made me a partner.
I guess that means I'm a partner.
I guess it does.
And what exactly is it
we're partners in?
Who gets what and who gets who?
You'll find out on
America's Funniest Divorce Videos.
Here's the star of our show,
Gus Petch.!
You goddamn right, folks.
I'm Gus Petch.
And we got a great show for ya. We gon'
make you laugh. We gon' make you cry.
- But most of all, we gon'nail yo'...
- Ass.!
Nail your ass!
Nail your ass!
Nail your ass.!
Gus.! Gus.! Gus.! Gus.!
Gus.! Gus.! Gus.! Gus.!
# Give a little
Take a little #
# Let your poor heart bleed, babe
a little, but, baby #
# That's the glory oflove #
# Cry a little
Sigh a little #
# Let the clouds roll by, babe
a little, but, baby #
# That's the glory oflove #
# As long as there's just the two of us
we have the world and its charms #
# As long as there's just the two of us
to hold each other's arms #
# Baby, now, win just a little
Lose a little #
# Sometime have the blues, babe
a little, but, baby #
# That's the glory oflove #
# Long as there's just the two of us
we have the world and its charms #
# Long as there's just the two of us
to hold each other's arms #
# Baby, now, win just a little
Lose a little #
# Sometime have the blues, babe
a little, but, baby #
# That's the glory oflove # #
# I am just a poor boy
though my story's seldom told #
# I have squandered my resistance #
# For a pocketful of mumbles
such are promises #
# All lies andjest #
# Still, a man hears
what he wants to hear #
# And disregards the rest #
# When I left my home
and my family #
# I was no more than a boy #
# In the company of strangers #
# In the quiet of a railway station
running scared #
# Laying low
Seeking out the poorer quarters #
# Where the ragged people go #
# Searching for the places
only they would know #
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li #
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li
la-li-li-li #
# Asking only workman's wages
I go lookin'for a job #
# But I get no offers #
# Just a come-on from the whores
on Seventh Avenue #
# I do declare #
# There were times
when I was so lonesome #
# I took some comfort there #
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li #
# Li-la-li #
# Li-la-li-li, li-la-li
la-li-li-li # #