Introducing, Selma Blair (2021) Movie Script
1
This...
Oh, God.
A girl could use some make up.
Where's a turban when you need one?
Oh, my God.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This doesn't look good.
I don't look healthy.
I don't look mentally healthy.
Look, Kim Kardashian
sent me some make up.
I'm gonna do a shout out to her
cos God knows,
no one knows who she is,
and I'm just trying to get this girl
a little support, you know?
Look.
Kim Kardashian.
This is a nude collection apparently.
This is not my nude.
So now I'm culturally
appropriating...
someone else's nude.
More is more...
you know, especially
when you have no eyelashes.
I don't care,
let your crazy flag fly.
This color also not my color,
but look,
look how we're gonna culturally
appropriate some cheekbones.
And you can I tell I'm not like
a YouTube sensation maybe,
by the way I apply this.
Oh, wait,
I wanna make a jawline happen.
Look at this.
I look like Cruella.
But you know what, I feel,
I feel good in this choice.
Every person who does make up is
like, " What the fuck is she doing?"
But I think I captured Norma Desmond
pretty well.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I wore these in a picture.
And even then, I was accused
of culturally appropriating...
disabled people, and I thought,
if your disability is
that you have tiny rubber hands?
I just-it was...
I'm disabled!
And I don't care, because
I don't have tiny rubber hands,
but if you do have prosthetic hands,
they're not this tiny
cos you'd want them to be useful.
So, it's funny.
Disabled people
like to have fun too.
Oh, my God, look.
OK. Let's go down and find a room
that's appropriate.
God.
I always thought
I was on a reality show,
before reality shows.
Like, I always thought
I was in a documentary,
but only God would see it...
and disapprove.
But I hope now...
I'm...
I'm just gonna be a better person.
And I hope when I feel better...
oh, I really do hope
to be a better person.
Like, that's...
that's all I care about now.
When as something as simple
as using a cane,
which I never minded cos to me,
it's like, well, it's useful,
but it's a really cool prop.
When I heard on Instagram,
cos that's how you communicate
with the world these days.
So many people were like,
"You've done so much for me,
and use this and not be ashamed."
And I'm like, "Whoa, hold on,
like don't get like a hideous one.
Like, like go Google chic canes
at least, you know?"
Cos you can still get a $20 cane
on Amazon,
that's like bejeweled
and looks good for frock wear.
There is a good way to do it.
I would like to be
their fashion voice.
Like I always say, I say it so much
now it's annoying, it's my motto.
But we've a long time to be dead,
and I spent so long
trying to kill myself or numb myself
or check out
or figure out how to be alive
by being half dead.
And now I just wanna help other
people feel better.
And if I represent in some way
people with an illness or a...
or like speech problem,
or movement disorder,
then you know, more you take...
See without my comfort dog
now my fatigue happens.
And then the...
and then...
and no.
That's...
Then my... oh.
Well this is what happens
that I don't want people to see,
that once I get really uncomfortable
but I'm not uncomfortable
with you or anything...
It's the...
It's the MS.
That's what people don't understand.
And I'm better if I'm brought in.
And then the...
I gotta laugh.
Look at how I'm dressed.
I'm taking away my stimulus
so I shut my eyes.
Cause there's only so much...
and it happens that fast.
And I think...
everything in me has some
shame right now.
In the beginning,
when I got MS...
it was like this all the time.
I don't have anything more.
What do I care if I fall?
I haven't come up here in a year.
It's really nice.
It's really nice.
I'm trying my hardest to write.
"Dear...
Troy.
I have...
hardening...
of my...
ligaments.
I can't write. I can't text.
That was the first time
that I was like,
"I better look into like,
whatever muscle spasms happening
"from horseback riding,
cos it's hideous."
And then when I was walking
in Christian Dior's fashion show
and my left leg did a stomp,
like a horse stomp,
like an over-exaggerated '80s like,
stomp.
And I was so apologetic to Christian
and trying so hard to look normal.
Since my son was born
I have just never been...
OK.
I mean that's me nursing him
in a park in Michigan.
Do I look OK?
Oh, God.
I was so afraid.
I was so afraid I wasn't enough.
My mum always said,
"You're not meant to be a mother.
"You're not meant to be married."
And that stuff like gets in you.
But I was truly miserable
when he was born.
I think,
that was sort of the onset of MS,
which is just a symptom
of a really unhealthy person,
that its immune system
is out of control.
I mean don't quote me on that.
Quote me on that.
Hi.
I'm so sorry I can't talk right now,
we're shooting the final days
of my life.
Yes. OK, Carrie,
I'll talk to you later.
That was Carrie Fisher.
She sends her best.
"Dear diary,
I love Brad in sophomore.
I'm having a tough time in school.
I'm beginning to think I'm a fool."
Why?
Vivian Kensington.
Do you think it's acceptable
that Ms. Woods is not prepared?
No.
I don't.
Would you support my decision
to ask her to leave class,
and to return only
when she is prepared?
Absolutely.
I thought I wanted to be a writer
and I so idolized
my English teacher.
And after a performance he said,
"You're an actress.
"You're gonna be an actress."
And I was devastated,
cos to have your English teacher,
who knows you wanna be a writer say,
"You're gonna be an actress."
It's like that means,
he knows I suck at reading.
I was always very conscious
that I was a supporting actress.
Everything I did on set
was to support the star.
For the first time in my life...
I'm not afraid.
I was happy for things
to not be so hard.
So, I was, just OK.
Let's try it again.
Only this time I'm gonna stick
my tongue in your mouth.
And when I do that I want you
to massage my tongue with yours,
and that's what first base is.
- OK.
- Eyes closed.
With Cruel Intentions,
it was like my first studio film
and my mum went and I said,
"What do you think?"
She just said,
"Oh, I mean, honestly Selma did
you have to give so much tongue?"
And that was it.
That was all she said.
That was her critical nature.
This is for my sisters.
Selma!
Elizabeth!
Katherine!
This is your mother!
"I am disabled.
"I fall sometimes. I drop things.
My memory is foggy.
"And my left side is asking
for directions from a broken GPS.
"But I hope to give some hope
to others.
"And even to myself.
"It can be overwhelming
in the beginning.
"You wanna sleep.
You always wanna sleep.
"So, I don't have answers, you see,
I wanna sleep.
"I have MS and I am OK.
"But if you see me dropping crap
all over the street,
"feel free to help me pick it up.
It takes all day for me alone."
She started writing
about what was happening to her,
like to get ahead of it.
Someone sees her walking
with a limp, what does this mean?
Are they gonna think she's drunk?
Are they gonna think
she's having problems?
So, in a way she pre-empted
that by addressing it herself.
And it's not like
she's Reese Witherspoon,
who's every minute of their life
is photographed, you know?
There are certain people that have
to live with the paparazzi
chronicling their minusha, right?
Selma isn't that famous.
But she's famous enough,
just to get the wrong kind
of attention at the wrong time.
And I think what Selma
had through the course of a career
that isn't necessarily marked
by Emmy nominations and Oscars
and giant campaigns, people were
always interested in her.
She has an old Hollywood glamour
to her, but she's super mouthy
and there's an odd masculinity
to her that's resting.
But a real feminine charm.
An emotional return to the
red carpet for actress Selma Blair.
Selma revealing her multiple
sclerosis diagnosis last October.
As you see the cameras,
everyone's shouting at you,
so it's a really terrifying
experience.
They can be seen kind of,
as your frenemies.
And when Selma started walking,
and then realizing
her own physical weakness...
the camera people, to see them...
put down their cameras
and stop getting what they want, and
help the person on the other side.
It didn't last long, but it was
really a moving, genuine moment.
On top for me, on top...
Right on top.
To see what it did for her,
was incredible.
Like, oh, I've given my life
of 20 years to this business
and I've gotten my piece of success
at moments.
And it's a real vulnerability
to have the strength to do that,
to go to that party.
One, it's intimidating,
and can be really overwhelming,
and then to do it with an illness.
I think that night was a big deal
to her, that she could be herself.
You know, people kept saying,
"You're so brave. You're so brave."
She says, "I'm just...
"I'm just walking.
I'm just talking.
"This happens to be how I walk
and this happens to be how I talk."
That dress really felt beautiful.
It's something I don't think
I would have worn without the cane.
That was a beautiful honor.
Thank you people
that helped me get through.
You know, this is all new,
I have to say,
because I could not do this...
a couple of months ago.
This has been miraculous.
I can hold a strawberry
and with the other hand...
cut a circle divot.
This is my day.
This is rewarding,
and makes me feel like
I'm leading the Shero Summit.
Don't worry. Anyone who's watching
this one day,
I know what I'm doing.
Arthur!
I need some help!
Where you going?
Now it's all over.
Everything I live for.
That was the whole day.
At first I knew I wasn't doing well
and I kept going to the doctors,
and they just said,
"No, it's just sadness.
It's just, you're a mum,
you're overwhelmed."
And I was like,
"I can't get it together.
"I hate myself.
Like, I cannot function."
And then I got a little depressed
and didn't get out of bed.
I mean I've really been housebound
for almost a year
cos when I go out...
everything intensifies.
And the truth is, the diagnosis
gave some relief,
cos then, I could take steps.
But then as I started taking steps
and things were going backwards,
I felt frustrated,
cos I knew the meds
were just making me feel worse.
So, the options ran out.
A stem cell transplant is the thing
that's gonna help me,
if anything will.
I made the mistake of telling
someone that I know
that I was gonna do
a stem cell transplant,
and he was like,
"You are not gonna make it.
"You're kidding yourself.
You're not gonna make it."
OK, we'll see you, Nibs.
And I was like,
"This is why you don't tell people.
"Like, don't let this affect me."
If anything happens to me,
you can have him, ok?
Nothing's gonna happen to you, other
than just you're gonna get better.
I'm sure.
But if anything happens to me you take
good care of him and have him, ok?
You don't have to worry about him.
When she's at home she seems better.
She can walk a little bit better,
her speech is normal,
because she's calm.
As soon as she goes out
in the outside world,
there's airplanes going overhead,
there's cars going past,
there's all of the stimulus.
And any stimulus
makes the symptoms worse.
So... hard...
to take off clothes.
I'm in a ball in my bed.
Everything's so blurry.
This is gonna pass.
This is gonna pass.
And then it's gonna be like,
this is having the flu.
I'm just gonna crawl up in this ball
and go to bed
until my son comes home from school.
Jennifer Grey had come over
to check on her and said,
"I have a friend, his name's John,
"his brother was cured of autoimmune
disease that's similar to MS
"by having a stem cell transplant
by this doctor at Northwestern,
"named Doctor Burt."
And my first thought was like,
"I don't even know what this means,
and who is this John guy?"
Selma was in horrible shape,
couldn't walk,
couldn't talk,
could barely be awake.
I mean she was incapacitated.
We do an initial consul in Chicago,
and she has one treatment there,
and the treatment worked.
We actually had improvement.
By the time we left the next day,
she was much better.
Had a second treatment here in LA
of the same treatment,
that was essentially slowing down
the inflammation,
because Doctor Burt had said,
"This is so aggressive right now,
that if we don't get this calm,
even with the stem cell transplant,
you're going to have permanent
brain damage."
So, now we're going back and now
this is a two month journey
of having the stem cell transplant.
The goal is that within a year
Selma could be horseback riding,
running, jumping...
Act like an idiot.
I'm really hopeful that,
this is the cure.
I'm leaving tomorrow, but my son's
leaving today to go with his dad.
That's the saddest thing for me.
That's really the saddest thing
for me when...
we're, we're never like apart.
I mean except when he's watching
like... Poop videos in his room.
Let's go get Arthur.
Help me! I'm falling.
Help me!
You're such a dummy.
OK Arthur, turn that off,
I have like ten minutes
and I wanna be with you.
Arthur, sometimes I just feel like
I'm talking... to myself.
Arthur, wanna play a quick game
of dodge ball?
- And you can even hit me.
- Yes.
I caught it almost.
- Alexa.
- Play "Yeah!"
You can't twerk with MS.
Try and get me.
I got ya.
Arthur, I can't...
I love you.
That was really hard.
He really knows
how to dish it out... too.
You have all your stuff?
Let's get your socks.
Huh?
Arthur.
Let's get your socks.
Arthur. If you ever feel
like calling me, awesome.
If you don't, I totally get it.
Well, have a great time.
I'll see you later gater. Bye.
- Bye, tomato head.
- What?
- Bye, tomato head.
- Bye, tomato head.
- I like you!
- Bye.
Even though he sees
I'm not 100% well,
I know he doesn't feel responsible.
He can go and have a great time
with his dad
and he might only just have
a glimpse of wondering,
"Hmm, I wonder if mum's
in bed right now?"
Now what?
And that's how I break the cycle.
My mum really tethered a darkness
to me,
that I thought
only my suffering could please her.
Now, my house is a little rustic
cos I haven't been gardening much.
This is like Studio City's version
of Grey Garden.
First I get in the hot tub.
Oh, that feels so good.
That crutch part always gets ya.
Selma Blair is apologizing today
after suffering
a bizarre airplane meltdown.
This photo obtained by TMC,
shows the actress looking out of it
and being treated by two nurses
in First Class.
Selma is now speaking out,
saying in a statement,
that she blacked out
from a mixture of booze and pills.
I went on this trip with Arthur
and his dad.
And it was my first time having
Jason around with me
after a bit of a contentious time.
The room had a full bar
and I didn't know what to do,
when Arthur was in his dad's room
and I just drank.
And Arthur knew mum was definitely
acting strangely,
and I have told him I drank.
And that's why I was in bed
and... childish and immature.
And it is the worst thing
I've ever done as a parent.
And thank God nobody was hurt
and thank God I had the sense
to be such a self-destructive fool
when his father was there.
But I didn't eat anything that week.
I didn't leave my room.
I didn't have a meal.
And got on the plane and went home,
and then on that plane
I had a full-on, like blackout.
And Arthur was asleep
with headphones on his dad,
but I don't remember,
and I had full MS at this time,
I know, cos I was in so much pain,
which is also part of the reason
why I was drinking.
And my mind was confused,
and I was scared.
And a symptom of my MS
that I had for years,
which I don't have right now, was
I always felt like I was on fire.
And I guess I must have said,
as someone reported to the news,
"I'm on fire.
My private parts are on fire."
And very humiliating,
devastating things that,
thank God my son was asleep.
But I could have died and that's
what my son would have known.
And then I believed in God again
because the miracle happened,
I knew I would never drink again.
And I issued an apology right away
cos I disrupted those people
on the plane.
I must have scared Jason.
But I was so grateful, he did not
try to take our child away from me.
He knew I was a good mother.
Even though that was one
of the darkest moment of my life.
This is cold.
Don't think I'm not bringing this
cos this is my go-to laugh.
It just makes my boobs look bigger.
Do you know what's weird is,
it looks totally in-proportion to me
and it makes my lips look bigger.
And I'm gonna put this away
for later
because even a flight attendant
needs to laugh sometime,
God knows I've given them a few,
you know what I mean?
Yeah.
I'm going today to North western
and I'm gonna go through
a stem cell transplant.
I think I'm scared to talk about it
because I don't know what to expect
and I'm... I have told people
in my life that I'm doing this,
but I don't know if it's gonna be
so much easier than I expect,
or if it's gonna be a darkness
that I'm not prepared for,
or God forbid,
which I don't really believe,
but if I die, and that I won't
come back to this house
or my son or my dog.
I mean... it could happen
on any given day to anyone
so it's not like...
but it's just... when I talk
to a woman who did it,
and had really wonderful results,
she said a woman
she did it with died.
She got like a fungal infection
and she, you know, had kids,
and she's my age,
maybe a little younger,
and within two days she died.
I think she said that the woman
had given up cos it was too painful,
like, she just didn't wanna make it
through anymore.
And I really pray that that's not
a mindset that I adopt.
You know, I can't even floss
my teeth there because platelets.
And then I heard your gums recede
like crazy,
so maybe finally,
I'll have big teeth.
I've always wanted big teeth.
I'm gonna get a water pick
and use it as a bidet.
OK, that was inappropriate,
that will not make the film.
OK.
I don't wanna say bye to you.
I'm coming back, OK?
You have a good time.
Esther's gonna play with you.
You too Snoops.
I get... Oh jealous.
Twin kiss. Tell me,
tell me what you have to say?
I know.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
This is my first small round of chemo
and it's fine.
And watch and I go like that
and, like, my hair comes out
and I'm like...
I would like it to be as dramatic
as I am.
Green burial.
So, I was told to make plans
for this, for dying,
not cos I have MS
cos I'm fighting MS
cos I'm gonna go do stem cell.
And there's risks and I'm not, like,
maybe I'm not the healthiest,
but I didn't feel there were risks
until I felt sad from the chemo
and now I'm like, "Yeah, I'm dying."
But I have to make,
you know, my plans and, like,
the green burial options are so...
one, they're pricey and I'm not
gonna save enough in hotels
by the time I die, like,
next month to pay for it.
Especially the hotel
that the girls in,
that I can have everyone
to visit me,
which I don't even want now
I realise, cos when I'm miserable,
I don't even wanna see anyone.
This just seems so bleak.
I don't know how I feel about
a Jewish ceremony,
they've never really liked me,
the Jews.
I'm part Jewish, you know,
I've really played that up
because I've lived that, but then,
I think they might not want me.
I don't know how to live right now
because it's not me that cares,
it's only my nan.
Is it okay if I...
because it was, oh,
I was totally...
Mummy, it's OK.
Don't worry about it at all,
you did the right thing, but don't
let those little critters out.
But it is and then...
it's that, that and
these other things.
Oh there's one here
that looks just like...
Did you like me when I was a baby?
You loved me, right?
I was wondering whether
I was so afraid of you
I hadn't had a baby
in so much time.
It's hard work.
How many ones was it, two days?
It's hard to have a baby
when you're working so much.
It's hard to have a baby when
you're 50, 60 years old.
Yeah, no, I'm not gonna do that.
No here's the medicine...
and idiot who...
We got this from
a pretty reliable source.
Yeah.
I love you mummy.
I know exactly
where she's coming from,
and my sister's don't understand her
and they're saddled with...
with taking care of her,
and it's impossible.
But I totally understand her.
And I don't know if it's cos
my brain is hijacked sometimes too
so I just get it,
and it's not important,
the gobbledygook,
they're just a replacement.
They're just trying to replace
the words she can't find
and it's not important,
and the sisters get hung up
on the words that don't make sense.
But it's not about the words
that make sense,
it's what she's trying to say.
I wish my mum...
to not be afraid,
to be totally at peace.
That's what I wish for my mum
more than anything.
My mother's so rageful...
and wonderful and I idolized her,
but the rage
that is genetically mine
that has turned inwards
and to sadness,
it's all about my mum.
It's never been good enough
and it never will be.
I wanna get rid of everything
I inherited.
I wanna get rid of every bit
of familiar rage
cos it could fuel the sun.
Last night we talked a lot about
just how awful it's going to be,
like, yeah, not the shaving
of the head and the things,
the little things, but being so,
so sick for so many days.
And the uncertainty.
Even if the prognosis
is really good,
there's so many dangers.
It's horribly scary.
I don't want my little sister,
not only to be in all that pain,
but to have the risk of dying
of a fungal infection
or some dumb thing that,
like, wouldn't hurt anybody else,
you know, it's terrifying.
Selma would do this
because she's going to live.
She wants to be able to be
with her son,
she wants to be able
to enjoy each day.
Her spirit is so strong
and she's got grit like nobody.
She's a fighter and she's gonna take
what can be hers.
I think that,
if she didn't have Arthur
maybe she'd have
a different perspective,
but she's not gonna miss out
on that kid's life
and taking it all in with him.
Selma's plan is to get
the stem cell transplant,
lay low as long as she needs to,
and I really feel
that she's going to be OK.
Mum used to get mad at me
cos in kindergarten,
I think I had a growing pain, or MS,
and would drag my leg,
and said,
"My leg hurts, my leg hurts."
And I've been made fun
of my whole life
and now it's the same leg
that I drag.
And I'm like, "Yo, bitch.
"It's MS. Who's lying now, bitch?
Yo!"
There's a little hostility.
Just a little hostility.
Don't say it, don't do it! No...
We don't care about making friends
anymore.
Family secrets, don't do it.
I love you. I love you.
- Arthur, can we squeeze ya?
- What?
Can we squeeze ya?
- I love you little monkey. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, Bear.
- I love you.
I said to Arthur
before I came to Chicago,
"Does anything make you
feel nervous about me doing this?"
And he said, "I don't want you
to lose your hair."
And I said, "Well then,
I'll just have you cut it
"so it's not so surprising to you."
So, he said, "Cool."
I'm fine with my hair being gone,
you know, I don't think about it,
really, but for him.
I love ordering things from Amazon
and they come here.
I hope it's my massager
cos when I'm in the hospital,
here, I'm gonna massage it.
Also, on the steroids,
you get bigger from water gain,
like the, all the chemo.
So, I wanna massage my face.
"Passion beyond imagination."
- You don't know what was it?
- My dad doesn't know that I mean is.
Comfy Mate.
I thought that this was...
I've never been one to,
to use a vibrator, but every time...
this is the second time.
And I went into Sharper Image
at the airport
I needed it for my neck,
my neck hurts all the time,
and I said to the guy,
"I want something hand-held
for my neck, is this good?"
And he's like, "Um, yeah.
That people seem to like it."
And then I'm playing with it
in the airplane
and it's so clearly a little penis,
but it's so not where my mind is.
And I've totally bought another
penis to massage my face and neck
and this is totally an accident.
Let's see if it's come to life yet,
come here.
Oh no, yeah, that's perfect
for my face. I'm not returning it.
This is like a little
lymphatic massage.
Do you think the nurses will laugh
that I'll be like...
TMJ hacks by Selma Blair, thank you.
Is this thing on?
Story of my life.
I love you guys.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Arthur, here's your milk.
I have been here a week for tests
with Bonny
and I was cleared for treatment.
There was some arsehole doctor here
and I wish I could forget it,
but he was a movement specialist
and he was like,
"It doesn't jive with MS, really.
I'm not a MS doctor, but your
movements, like, what?"
And then, this the hardest part
to talk about,
but he said, "I think it's...
"I think, you know, there's no doubt
you have MS,
"but I think it's functional."
And I was like,
"Huh, it's functional."
And Bonny's like, she saw me
and was like, I'm like,
"Oh, you think it's like,
in my head?"
There was a shame
when he said that.
Like, could I have been
that bat shit crazy that this is,
like, just all anxiety?
And I was really fucked up
like for three days.
I was really hurt
and then I went to see a shrink
I talked about it with him,
"You know, I don't wanna miss
my window for stem cell,"
but I felt like I was pleading
my case and it was so stressful.
And then, day five of all this
testing I finally see the MS Doctor
and he's like,
"No, it's not in your head
and we have you do these things
to see how much you can take."
And then he showed me
physically the proof,
like, the rest of the world
would be happy with.
And I'm like,
"Why do you have me see him
"when you know he's gonna do that?"
But you have to have resolve
when you go in.
It just was a blow, it was a blow.
So, your immune cells
are your police force.
They're there to protect you.
Unfortunately in an autoimmune
disease is they get confused
and attack your own body.
In the case of Multiple Sclerosis
they're attacking
your central nervous system,
your spinal cord and brain.
So, the standard therapies
are drugs.
They're basically
slowing the disease down,
but what stem cell transplant does
is it makes you better.
You need a strict
definition of response
and there's no biological
marker for MS
so probably the best
definition is called NEDA.
No Evidence of Disease Activity,
which means no relapses,
no progression
and no knew lesions on MRI
or enlarging lesions on MRI,
that's NEDA.
And so, it turns out
the best drugs give NEDA
one to two years
of about 40 to 50%,
versus transplant which is anywhere
from 60 to 85% for patients.
So, markedly different
and this is off all drugs.
Traditionally, MS is a disease
that robs you of who you are,
it's not curable and you're
only gonna slowly progress
on expensive drugs
with side effects.
Whereas the transplant studies
have really fundamentally changed
some of these autoimmune diseases
to seeing results and benefits
that have never been seen before,
and I always hesitate
using the word "cure,"
but when you have people five years
with only a minority relapsing
they get better,
stay better on no drugs,
you start wondering
where that could be,
but I never use that word.
You know, there's a certain amount
of drugs and none of them cure MS,
so if none of these drugs cure MS
you go down the list.
And this doctor supports this drug,
and this doctor supports that drug.
The second drug on the list
the result of that was
she went down,
and the Paramedics came in
and brought her back.
Because none of those drugs fix it.
They help with the symptoms,
you tend to do it
until that one stops working.
Then you do that next one and
it's just a dance that you stay on,
but nothing actually
ever gets you better.
And I think because
the disease progresses.
If she can stop it from progressing,
it led her to stem cell.
Once they cleared
pre-transplant testing
we set them up with mobilization
and the idea is to move the stem cells
into the blood stream.
It's chemotherapy, it's Cyclophosphamide
is the drug that we use.
After mobilization, they get
discharged the following day
and they begin to take injections,
a growth hormone.
OK, wait 30 minutes, I did that.
Prepare for injection.
Look carefully at the syringe.
Oh my God,
this picture cracks me up.
That process helps the patient build
stem cells in their bloodstream.
So that we can do
a stem cell harvest.
Ten days later they'd be ready
for the collection of stem cells.
So, when we're done, you should be
done by 4:30 or before that even.
And we'll get
the cell therapy people
will count how many cells
are in the bag.
They take it away,
it takes them about an hour
and a half to count the cells.
Then about five o'clock,
5:30 they send us a page.
They tell us how much
you've collected
then at that point, we'll know.
Right now I just feel pretty queasy
and tingly.
Turned out I had a complication.
Suddenly it was like the most
horrible pain in my heart and...
I had and...
I couldn't feel anything.
It was like paralyzed
and I lost my vision, it went white.
It really shook my faith.
It really, really, really
threw me backwards.
Gave me so much stress
and I've kind of been
in this state of weakness
and feeling vulnerable.
And I couldn't say, "I can't breathe,"
cos I couldn't breathe.
And then I passed out
and I went to the top of the room
and I saw the chaos.
The eight people in this tiny room
trying to figure out
what's wrong with me.
And I didn't feel fear or anything,
but I knew I could go in a second.
And then, of course, I thought
about Arthur and strangely, like,
I didn't feel any sadness,
like, you have to stay for him.
I just felt like...
if you have a little
more in you go down.
Go down. Like, this isn't...
this isn't a big deal enough to go.
For this, like,
you can go back down.
And I came back down
and it was so painful.
Yeah, I'm walking.
OK, what do you wanna say to me
cos I'll watch this when I'm...
I'll watch this
when I'm not feeling well.
That's what you wanna say to me?
Is that what you wanna say to me?
I'll watch this when I'm not
feeling well. I love you momma.
I love you so much.
- Bye.
- Bye, Bye, I love you.
Love you, Mum.
She'll go in to the hospital
for two and a half weeks,
be in a little bubble.
Chemo will bring her immune system
essentially down to one percent,
so that her immune system
completely resets.
They put the stem cells back in
and the goal is,
is that the stem cells are going
to build her a new immune system
that is not attacking itself.
The patients
will become neutropenic,
which means their immune system
will be very suppressed.
So for safety concerns,
we're checking vital signs
every four hours,
making sure that there's no fevers,
or we're watching for infection.
If there's an infection
we start antibiotics immediately.
- Love you.
- All right, momma.
So, I'm in a lot of pain.
And I don't know if you can
really do anything about it.
My throat and my lower
back are in spasms.
Just 'cause...
I talked to a friend and he's like,
"Get Dilaudid or something."
But I don't want... it's not like
really warranted. I'm sure...
it's just body pain.
Sometimes
you just have to feel it.
And...
It hurts to swallow so much.
I'm so thirsty.
It hurts so much.
Oh my God! I'm such a baby.
Well there you go...
complaining.
Well, so I feel pretty bad.
My oxygen's low.
My blood pressure
and my fever is...
Getting a fever now.
I don't feel great, that's for sure.
Let me take this off.
It's kind of a bad day.
Transplant day tomorrow.
That's all I've been gearing up for,
so tomorrow is my new,
body's birthday.
Happy birthday.
I want a fresh start.
I want my body to be healthy.
I want these stem cells to...
to grow and love in this
47-year-old fake body
that they have
to now multiple in.
I'm just...
I wanna change my thought pattern
because for so long
I just thought of,
of death as the ultimate goal
in this life.
And now I really
wanna just think of life
as my everyday appreciation,
just simple.
And so, I don't know why
I got all this except for I,
I hope for the exact opposite
for these cells.
You can see when they come
out they're frozen solid.
It should only take a minute or two
to thaw them back to liquid magic.
- Thank you.
- It's a pleasure.
This is the day
This is the day
That the Lord has made
Let us rejoice and be glad in it
Most merciful God,
creator and sustainer of life,
we come before you today,
humbled by your great gift of life
and your infinite love.
You planted within us
these tiny cells
that have the power
to heal and renew,
for giving scientists, physicians,
nurses and medical technologists
the knowledge to use these cells
for our well-being,
we give you thanks.
For having brought Blair to this
special day, we give you thanks.
Lord, you know Blair inside and out
and that you will therefore
understand the words
of this prayer from her heart.
She asks, and we ask,
that you release any genetic
negativity from her life.
We pray that you help
her mother to let go.
Today, we ask
a special blessing on Blair
as she receives
these life-giving cells,
that her trust not only
in their power to heal,
but in your invitation
to new life and new birth.
Grant Blair patience and hope
as she waits for the restoration
of body, mind and spirit.
OK, so we are gonna bless
these stem cells,
you guys can all help me.
And so now send your spirit
upon these cells,
blessing them with your love
and healing power.
In your holy name, we pray. Amen.
So, their immune system will essentially
drop to zero from the chemotherapy.
And the stem cells will help boost
their immune system back.
It's called engraftment.
We're waiting
for the immune system to recover
before we can discharge them.
My mouth tastes like dirty pennies.
Everything tastes bad.
It's weird, I feel like I'm on set.
On an abandoned set and everyone's
gone to another location to work.
It's so empty here.
This is what I do...
whilst laying.
My right hand works well.
My left hand needs more therapy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hmm, it's not that much fun
to play this game by yourself.
Did you see my body?
Look, I look like I gave birth this...
- That is a swollen body.
- Body.
Like, my feet, everything.
Yeah, swollen.
My arms, my neck.
They think it's why the dental pain
is hurting more,
cos I'm getting so much pressure
on the nerve from the... But this is...
With your clothes on though,
you don't look...
Good?
Let's face it.
Pretty good, pretty good.
Oh my God, I feel like
I'm in a Tom Hanks movie,
where he's stranded on an island.
And I'm eating Wilson.
My friend.
When can tooth be fixed?
When can she start flossing?
How long needed to wear mask?
When she can get facial extractions?
All fresh fruits and veggies
OK after discharge?
These are questions Bonny made.
It felt so good to be outside,
but I remember getting to the door
and just thinking
I am so uncomfortable.
And I didn't realise
it could still happen.
I think I thought I was cured.
The stimulus and the moving
and the sun,
I shut down.
You know, when you're not dying,
you go, "Oh my God, I'm dying".
But when you really feel
like you're dying...
All I could say
is I'm really uncomfortable.
Do you remember me?
I can't have your dog butt germs,
your dog butt germs could kill me,
wouldn't that be terrible?
Death by Pippa.
Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo.
Let's go upstairs.
I thought I would be walking
when I came back to my house.
I wanted it overnight,
it didn't happen.
All I wanna do is see Arthur
and I'm afraid I'll scare him.
I'm a really positive person.
It's been a hard couple of days.
A really positive person.
I am happy to see my son.
I'll be happy.
Now I know that he can live
with his dad...
I don't feel like I have to hold onto
anything anymore.
Not if I don't feel better.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know how I was gonna manage
the hurdle of getting home.
Doctor Burt's not a real
chatty Cathy about what to expect,
cos everyone's different,
and he doesn't wanna
put anything in your brain.
Like,
"Oh, you'll feel this or this."
But I'm someone
that likes a little reality,
so I can gauge myself against it
and not feel like a failure.
I don't understand the brain.
And I promised myself,
I wouldn't judge the process.
And I'm judging the process,
cos when I see the-
When I saw the doctor, he's like,
"You've been given
a second chance at life."
Everything beautiful
that I've known,
that I've encouraged other people,
I just kind of felt like,
will it be true for me too?
Cos I...
don't you know,
in some ways, I'm more...
present still.
Even though I feel worse
in the last couple of days
cos I've pushed myself.
But in other ways,
it's harder to talk,
like I...
feel like I can't, like,
I'm losing my speech.
With my brain to get it to you,
if I talk about anything
that I have to focus on.
If I don't have to focus,
if I read something,
"Cuisine de Provence."
If it's something about me
or anything where I'm connected,
it's almost unbearable.
It's just gonna be a lot of,
you know, my brain adjusting.
I think that's what most people
now would know me from,
is from this People Magazine cover.
This is the worst
Seventeen Magazine cover
I've ever seen in my life
and I'm on it.
You know what my mum said?
"Oh, Selma, you just look
so unimportant."
I know.
Help.
So, I knew then
that I wouldn't be a movie star,
I didn't fit into a commercial idea.
I mean I knew it all, right then.
But then let's move on to a success.
Steven Meisel, Italian Vogue.
I look so much like
my mother in these,
cos this is what my mother
had her hair like.
It really felt good for
the self-confidence to know
that someone could see
a better side of you than you saw.
It made me feel very grateful,
cos I've always felt less than.
"It was that moment when she kissed Sarah
Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions 1999
that made Selma Blair
one of the most interesting
actresses of Hollywood's new generation."
Thank you very much.
But I'm not the right fucking size,
I'm out of scale.
I'm smaller than life
and no one noticed it.
No one noticed it.
I noticed my leg was missing,
but I couldn't pinpoint
what was unimportant about me.
And now I'm realizing,
it's not my fault.
They printed me too small.
I mean it's also my fault, cos...
they wouldn't have
printed me too small,
unless that's what I gave off.
Like, no one's gonna
print Nicole too small.
This is so awful, but I never had
a hunger for being...
the best actress I could be.
I would now, if I went back.
Do you think you're gonna go back?
No.
I don't know.
I can't picture being able to be-
I don't know who will believe in me.
How're you doing, Lizzie?
I'm gonna lose you
cos I'm going to the barn.
Are you there?
Is this your first day back?
You know, I went out there before,
but this is my first time
like taking a lesson.
A small lesson. It'll be short.
To not be exhausting, but yes.
This is so exciting. I'm so happy.
Thank you. Me too.
Realistically, I have to learn to,
to ride again and to,
to build up endurance.
And hopefully,
really ride better than I was.
I couldn't have done that a little
while ago.
That's it.
That looks good.
Hips stay a little on the front,
see if you can just arch
the lower back slightly.
You got it.
- Great.
- I'm doing crazy things.
No, you're not doing crazy things,
you look awesome.
Try and hold with the calf,
I know you don't have a ton.
That's it.
Don't be afraid
to give him a little kick,
just because you've
only got so much leg.
You're doing awesome now.
Well, my left leg's nowhere
to be found. That's OK.
So, I can do it
for not even ten seconds.
The fact that you can do it
for ten seconds.
Think about how long it's been
You've been able to do
for ten seconds. It's incredible.
Can we canter this way?
You sure can canter this way.
OK.
OK, remember your double cluck
cos he knows to kind of get off
that double cluck.
Good and then give a little spur.
There you go. Good, good.
Good, that's it.
That's it.
Right shoulder, hip down.
You got it.
You got it.
Come on.
Beautiful. Good.
Then walk before you give up.
Yeah, that's it.
It's really good.
It's a fantastic start.
- It really is.
- OK.
It really is. I'm so excited.
It's the beginning,
beginning, Nibbles.
I love you.
I'm due for an MRI tomorrow.
to see if any new lesions formed.
I felt like maybe
it didn't totally work,
cos I can get very kind of spastic.
So, I'm like,
"Maybe it didn't work for me.
"How did I screw it up?"
So, I haven't been like
maybe that proud of myself.
And the doctor today said,
"Well, no one feels better,
"it takes nine months
for the antibodies to get out",
you know, whatever,
I can't quite remember.
He said, "It takes time"
and then he threw 15 months at me.
And then I ran into Robin Roberts
and, you know, she,
after her stem cell transplant,
she said it took her two years
to get herself back.
And that was the first time
I've heard that today.
That was huge to me,
cos I just thought...
This is just my baseline
and it might not be at all.
I never thought
I'd be a disabled person
that would help
other disabled people.
They saw themselves
and they saw some hope, like,
"I don't just have to get mad
and be ashamed."
And just that act, you know,
gave my life some meaning.
He doesn't know, but I'm racing him.
I won.
I didn't think
I'd climb mountains again.
But...
it's just thought...
it's something to prove.
And I'm gonna do it.
I said, "I'll consider my life
a success if I can die knowing joy."
I said this, you know, years ago.
It was so elusive to me,
it was so impossible,
so embarrassing to want that.
I just didn't know
where joy would be.
After that movie,
there would be joy.
If I make that much money.
If I have that boyfriend.
If I get sober.
And I was always very uncomfortable,
very uncomfortable here on earth.
Just walk towards the door.
Good. Now, on the way back,
turn around.
And what I want you to do,
you kind of relax.
Can you do this type of walk?
Heel to toe, like a policeman
might ask.
Just that one moment of leaving it
just on my left leg.Yeah.
It's-you know, that's just still
like a weird thing...
Can you walk on your toes?
Yes, I can walk on my toes.
And then it's kinda hard
with these type of shoes,
how about your heels?
Can you walk on your heels?
Well, that's all good.
There's no new lesions,
no enhancement, nothing new.
- So that's very good.
- Good.
That's great.
And you'll keep getting better.
It's only been three months.
Usually, the maximum improvement
is about two years
after this procedure,
so you'll just keep getting better.
So, it's normal for some people
to feel foggy still or...
I mean I'm definitely,
I definitely know I'm a lot better.
But, you know, I'm still like dizzy
and kinda hard to focus and...
you know, weird.
I don't wanna be like a weird...
It's only been three months.
But if there's a way to, you know,
be able to be more relaxed with,
with less stress.
No, I'm not going back to work
for a long time.
I can't keep it consistent yet.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you know?
But when you're ready,
work can be therapeutic.
- I want you to be able to do that as well.
- Of course.
- OK?
- No new lesions.
My first time since knowing
I had MS, no new lesions.
Thank you, Doctor Burt.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.
I dropped some tears
when I saw the scars on my brain,
when I saw those,
like, big white spots.
But as he pointed out, you know,
the brain has to kind
of be relaxed and...
free to find, you know,
build new pathways
where the scar tissue is and stuff.
I have to fly again tomorrow.
It wipes me out.
I mean, I'm in Chicago, I'd be crazy
not to take this opportunity
to get home to Detroit, but...
I'm just going home to see mum.
Since I'm so close,
I don't know if I'll make it back.
I mean maybe I will.
I don't have anger anymore
and I don't have anger at my mum.
I'll go home to see her.
And I just can't even drudge up
like any feeling of resentment.
And it's not cos she's dying,
it's cos I felt I died.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
I really wanted to.
I really wanted to.
I couldn't.
I couldn't get the rest around.
- Yeah.
- A cartwheel's nothing.
But I mean it's not
on the required list, like for like...
"Doctor Burt, I just can't do
cartwheels anymore."
I'm trying to look dead
for a dramatic ending.
I'm sick today.
Now this Coronavirus is just...
whole family of seven Coronaviruses
known to infect humans.
It's now famous as SARS and MERS
because they've killed
a lot of people.
But each one
are actually more successful.
I am a little pissy
and really confused
that I just didn't make
this miraculous recovery.
But I did truly believe
I would wake up one day.
Three months from stem cell and go,
"Oh my God,
this is what everyone else feels."
And it didn't happen in the way
I thought it would,
cos my physical health
is still very challenging.
I can see my pool now,
I know what I'm dealing with.
And it's...
That's still my brain a little
and my thoughts.
And this is kind of like
the possibilities.
And really I am making this,
you know, for my mum.
This is so I can say
I lived like a pond or like...
Cos that was how we gauged success
is that we'd die really
in a beautiful space.
That we'd live
in a beautiful space by water.
And it didn't happen
for me and my mum.
My mother's dead.
And I feel horrible
cos she can't get put in the ground.
I never thought I would not be there
to be with my mum
when she went or
my sisters to comfort them.
And cos the Coronavirus happened,
of course, and we all stayed put.
So, she's in like a kaleidoscope.
Like, shake and bake.
Like a tube, a scattering tube.
So, you don't have to touch it now.
And, and mum really wanted
to be in earth though,
like right when she died.
I think she really appreciated
that concept of like ashes to ashes,
like right away.
So, I don't know how
to help send her off,
as a person on Earth though,
admires her so much.
When a mother falls short
in our mind,
we feel we've been slighted
of an opportunity
to be a good person.
To be the best person.
To be a well-adjusted person.
And I blamed my mother
for me not having the right tools
and I feel so petty for that now.
I'm calling my mum, let's see
if I still have her on favorites.
Ah, mum.
It's Molly, please leave a message
after the beep. Thank you.
Mum! Oh my God, it's you!
I'm dying.
Oh my God, mum, you know
how you called me, "Maudlin" before?
You ain't seen nothing yet.
You're dead.
She would've cracked up so hard
if she were here to listen to that.
That's the stuff
that would have her roaring
she'd be begging me not to.
She'd be screaming.
"Stop! Stop! Go on!
Stop, I need a drink."
Then it was the cigarette
and the drink
and she's go, "Niagara falls!"
Cos only that could wash away
the horror of what she was thinking.
If I were to make
her uncomfortable.
In your life, when people ask you,
"How are you?"
I do say, "Good" now.
But then if they go,
"No, really, how are you?"
I go, "Give me your number,
"I'm gonna send you videos
all the time."
- Cheers.
- Thank you.
I'm not uncomfortable with sickness.
I'm uncomfortable
with permanent sickness.
I know the simple tricks.
So, if I can feel
the parts of my body
then I can continue in the loop.
But when I transition to a new
setting, it'll be a shitshow again.
And when I go in the world,
I can turn into
the Hunchback of Notre-Dame.
It's very dramatic.
And I can't do it anymore.
I think I will be a recluse.
I'm really depressed. I'm really
struggling, but at the same time,
I realise, you know, everyone is.
We called it
the Merlin the Magician dress.
Always she told me
that I could get it when she died.
I always liked the emeralds
and they seemed so big.
And impossibly glamorous
and they're really understated.
They're really understated
and sweet.
But when I was little,
they were a big deal.
She wore this and all the sisters
wanted it, but I took it.
Cos it reminded me of the Tin Man's
heart and always reminded me.
I took it years and years ago.
I've worn it since I've been in LA.
So, that's just a silver heart
and this was her Saint Laurent
Merlin the Magician dress.
I waited for her to die
to have this.
She didn't even let me try it on
when she was alive.
There was so many other things,
she only did it to be sweet to me.
To make, give it importance.
Everyone always gets
in the water at the end,
it's always like
the big move, right?
That's a good thing,
I don't ever see it as gloomy.
Like, I don't see going
into the water ever as giving up.
You're going into like
a totally amazing thing.
I always tried to make sense
of how unhappy I was.
And my mother tethered
a darkness to me
because she didn't want to encourage
this helplessness in me.
I think she wanted me to realise,
like, we're all helpless,
so do something, you know,
you're not special.
I don't know how to say, like,
I'm embarrassed to say,
I'm at peace.
I mean, I have huge moments
where I'm not,
but overall, I am at peace.
And I hope I can do more for people.
But you put the life mask
on yourself and...
I've been taking a long time
with myself and I hope,
before I die, I really will have
made a contribution
for the people we live with.
This...
Oh, God.
A girl could use some make up.
Where's a turban when you need one?
Oh, my God.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This doesn't look good.
I don't look healthy.
I don't look mentally healthy.
Look, Kim Kardashian
sent me some make up.
I'm gonna do a shout out to her
cos God knows,
no one knows who she is,
and I'm just trying to get this girl
a little support, you know?
Look.
Kim Kardashian.
This is a nude collection apparently.
This is not my nude.
So now I'm culturally
appropriating...
someone else's nude.
More is more...
you know, especially
when you have no eyelashes.
I don't care,
let your crazy flag fly.
This color also not my color,
but look,
look how we're gonna culturally
appropriate some cheekbones.
And you can I tell I'm not like
a YouTube sensation maybe,
by the way I apply this.
Oh, wait,
I wanna make a jawline happen.
Look at this.
I look like Cruella.
But you know what, I feel,
I feel good in this choice.
Every person who does make up is
like, " What the fuck is she doing?"
But I think I captured Norma Desmond
pretty well.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I wore these in a picture.
And even then, I was accused
of culturally appropriating...
disabled people, and I thought,
if your disability is
that you have tiny rubber hands?
I just-it was...
I'm disabled!
And I don't care, because
I don't have tiny rubber hands,
but if you do have prosthetic hands,
they're not this tiny
cos you'd want them to be useful.
So, it's funny.
Disabled people
like to have fun too.
Oh, my God, look.
OK. Let's go down and find a room
that's appropriate.
God.
I always thought
I was on a reality show,
before reality shows.
Like, I always thought
I was in a documentary,
but only God would see it...
and disapprove.
But I hope now...
I'm...
I'm just gonna be a better person.
And I hope when I feel better...
oh, I really do hope
to be a better person.
Like, that's...
that's all I care about now.
When as something as simple
as using a cane,
which I never minded cos to me,
it's like, well, it's useful,
but it's a really cool prop.
When I heard on Instagram,
cos that's how you communicate
with the world these days.
So many people were like,
"You've done so much for me,
and use this and not be ashamed."
And I'm like, "Whoa, hold on,
like don't get like a hideous one.
Like, like go Google chic canes
at least, you know?"
Cos you can still get a $20 cane
on Amazon,
that's like bejeweled
and looks good for frock wear.
There is a good way to do it.
I would like to be
their fashion voice.
Like I always say, I say it so much
now it's annoying, it's my motto.
But we've a long time to be dead,
and I spent so long
trying to kill myself or numb myself
or check out
or figure out how to be alive
by being half dead.
And now I just wanna help other
people feel better.
And if I represent in some way
people with an illness or a...
or like speech problem,
or movement disorder,
then you know, more you take...
See without my comfort dog
now my fatigue happens.
And then the...
and then...
and no.
That's...
Then my... oh.
Well this is what happens
that I don't want people to see,
that once I get really uncomfortable
but I'm not uncomfortable
with you or anything...
It's the...
It's the MS.
That's what people don't understand.
And I'm better if I'm brought in.
And then the...
I gotta laugh.
Look at how I'm dressed.
I'm taking away my stimulus
so I shut my eyes.
Cause there's only so much...
and it happens that fast.
And I think...
everything in me has some
shame right now.
In the beginning,
when I got MS...
it was like this all the time.
I don't have anything more.
What do I care if I fall?
I haven't come up here in a year.
It's really nice.
It's really nice.
I'm trying my hardest to write.
"Dear...
Troy.
I have...
hardening...
of my...
ligaments.
I can't write. I can't text.
That was the first time
that I was like,
"I better look into like,
whatever muscle spasms happening
"from horseback riding,
cos it's hideous."
And then when I was walking
in Christian Dior's fashion show
and my left leg did a stomp,
like a horse stomp,
like an over-exaggerated '80s like,
stomp.
And I was so apologetic to Christian
and trying so hard to look normal.
Since my son was born
I have just never been...
OK.
I mean that's me nursing him
in a park in Michigan.
Do I look OK?
Oh, God.
I was so afraid.
I was so afraid I wasn't enough.
My mum always said,
"You're not meant to be a mother.
"You're not meant to be married."
And that stuff like gets in you.
But I was truly miserable
when he was born.
I think,
that was sort of the onset of MS,
which is just a symptom
of a really unhealthy person,
that its immune system
is out of control.
I mean don't quote me on that.
Quote me on that.
Hi.
I'm so sorry I can't talk right now,
we're shooting the final days
of my life.
Yes. OK, Carrie,
I'll talk to you later.
That was Carrie Fisher.
She sends her best.
"Dear diary,
I love Brad in sophomore.
I'm having a tough time in school.
I'm beginning to think I'm a fool."
Why?
Vivian Kensington.
Do you think it's acceptable
that Ms. Woods is not prepared?
No.
I don't.
Would you support my decision
to ask her to leave class,
and to return only
when she is prepared?
Absolutely.
I thought I wanted to be a writer
and I so idolized
my English teacher.
And after a performance he said,
"You're an actress.
"You're gonna be an actress."
And I was devastated,
cos to have your English teacher,
who knows you wanna be a writer say,
"You're gonna be an actress."
It's like that means,
he knows I suck at reading.
I was always very conscious
that I was a supporting actress.
Everything I did on set
was to support the star.
For the first time in my life...
I'm not afraid.
I was happy for things
to not be so hard.
So, I was, just OK.
Let's try it again.
Only this time I'm gonna stick
my tongue in your mouth.
And when I do that I want you
to massage my tongue with yours,
and that's what first base is.
- OK.
- Eyes closed.
With Cruel Intentions,
it was like my first studio film
and my mum went and I said,
"What do you think?"
She just said,
"Oh, I mean, honestly Selma did
you have to give so much tongue?"
And that was it.
That was all she said.
That was her critical nature.
This is for my sisters.
Selma!
Elizabeth!
Katherine!
This is your mother!
"I am disabled.
"I fall sometimes. I drop things.
My memory is foggy.
"And my left side is asking
for directions from a broken GPS.
"But I hope to give some hope
to others.
"And even to myself.
"It can be overwhelming
in the beginning.
"You wanna sleep.
You always wanna sleep.
"So, I don't have answers, you see,
I wanna sleep.
"I have MS and I am OK.
"But if you see me dropping crap
all over the street,
"feel free to help me pick it up.
It takes all day for me alone."
She started writing
about what was happening to her,
like to get ahead of it.
Someone sees her walking
with a limp, what does this mean?
Are they gonna think she's drunk?
Are they gonna think
she's having problems?
So, in a way she pre-empted
that by addressing it herself.
And it's not like
she's Reese Witherspoon,
who's every minute of their life
is photographed, you know?
There are certain people that have
to live with the paparazzi
chronicling their minusha, right?
Selma isn't that famous.
But she's famous enough,
just to get the wrong kind
of attention at the wrong time.
And I think what Selma
had through the course of a career
that isn't necessarily marked
by Emmy nominations and Oscars
and giant campaigns, people were
always interested in her.
She has an old Hollywood glamour
to her, but she's super mouthy
and there's an odd masculinity
to her that's resting.
But a real feminine charm.
An emotional return to the
red carpet for actress Selma Blair.
Selma revealing her multiple
sclerosis diagnosis last October.
As you see the cameras,
everyone's shouting at you,
so it's a really terrifying
experience.
They can be seen kind of,
as your frenemies.
And when Selma started walking,
and then realizing
her own physical weakness...
the camera people, to see them...
put down their cameras
and stop getting what they want, and
help the person on the other side.
It didn't last long, but it was
really a moving, genuine moment.
On top for me, on top...
Right on top.
To see what it did for her,
was incredible.
Like, oh, I've given my life
of 20 years to this business
and I've gotten my piece of success
at moments.
And it's a real vulnerability
to have the strength to do that,
to go to that party.
One, it's intimidating,
and can be really overwhelming,
and then to do it with an illness.
I think that night was a big deal
to her, that she could be herself.
You know, people kept saying,
"You're so brave. You're so brave."
She says, "I'm just...
"I'm just walking.
I'm just talking.
"This happens to be how I walk
and this happens to be how I talk."
That dress really felt beautiful.
It's something I don't think
I would have worn without the cane.
That was a beautiful honor.
Thank you people
that helped me get through.
You know, this is all new,
I have to say,
because I could not do this...
a couple of months ago.
This has been miraculous.
I can hold a strawberry
and with the other hand...
cut a circle divot.
This is my day.
This is rewarding,
and makes me feel like
I'm leading the Shero Summit.
Don't worry. Anyone who's watching
this one day,
I know what I'm doing.
Arthur!
I need some help!
Where you going?
Now it's all over.
Everything I live for.
That was the whole day.
At first I knew I wasn't doing well
and I kept going to the doctors,
and they just said,
"No, it's just sadness.
It's just, you're a mum,
you're overwhelmed."
And I was like,
"I can't get it together.
"I hate myself.
Like, I cannot function."
And then I got a little depressed
and didn't get out of bed.
I mean I've really been housebound
for almost a year
cos when I go out...
everything intensifies.
And the truth is, the diagnosis
gave some relief,
cos then, I could take steps.
But then as I started taking steps
and things were going backwards,
I felt frustrated,
cos I knew the meds
were just making me feel worse.
So, the options ran out.
A stem cell transplant is the thing
that's gonna help me,
if anything will.
I made the mistake of telling
someone that I know
that I was gonna do
a stem cell transplant,
and he was like,
"You are not gonna make it.
"You're kidding yourself.
You're not gonna make it."
OK, we'll see you, Nibs.
And I was like,
"This is why you don't tell people.
"Like, don't let this affect me."
If anything happens to me,
you can have him, ok?
Nothing's gonna happen to you, other
than just you're gonna get better.
I'm sure.
But if anything happens to me you take
good care of him and have him, ok?
You don't have to worry about him.
When she's at home she seems better.
She can walk a little bit better,
her speech is normal,
because she's calm.
As soon as she goes out
in the outside world,
there's airplanes going overhead,
there's cars going past,
there's all of the stimulus.
And any stimulus
makes the symptoms worse.
So... hard...
to take off clothes.
I'm in a ball in my bed.
Everything's so blurry.
This is gonna pass.
This is gonna pass.
And then it's gonna be like,
this is having the flu.
I'm just gonna crawl up in this ball
and go to bed
until my son comes home from school.
Jennifer Grey had come over
to check on her and said,
"I have a friend, his name's John,
"his brother was cured of autoimmune
disease that's similar to MS
"by having a stem cell transplant
by this doctor at Northwestern,
"named Doctor Burt."
And my first thought was like,
"I don't even know what this means,
and who is this John guy?"
Selma was in horrible shape,
couldn't walk,
couldn't talk,
could barely be awake.
I mean she was incapacitated.
We do an initial consul in Chicago,
and she has one treatment there,
and the treatment worked.
We actually had improvement.
By the time we left the next day,
she was much better.
Had a second treatment here in LA
of the same treatment,
that was essentially slowing down
the inflammation,
because Doctor Burt had said,
"This is so aggressive right now,
that if we don't get this calm,
even with the stem cell transplant,
you're going to have permanent
brain damage."
So, now we're going back and now
this is a two month journey
of having the stem cell transplant.
The goal is that within a year
Selma could be horseback riding,
running, jumping...
Act like an idiot.
I'm really hopeful that,
this is the cure.
I'm leaving tomorrow, but my son's
leaving today to go with his dad.
That's the saddest thing for me.
That's really the saddest thing
for me when...
we're, we're never like apart.
I mean except when he's watching
like... Poop videos in his room.
Let's go get Arthur.
Help me! I'm falling.
Help me!
You're such a dummy.
OK Arthur, turn that off,
I have like ten minutes
and I wanna be with you.
Arthur, sometimes I just feel like
I'm talking... to myself.
Arthur, wanna play a quick game
of dodge ball?
- And you can even hit me.
- Yes.
I caught it almost.
- Alexa.
- Play "Yeah!"
You can't twerk with MS.
Try and get me.
I got ya.
Arthur, I can't...
I love you.
That was really hard.
He really knows
how to dish it out... too.
You have all your stuff?
Let's get your socks.
Huh?
Arthur.
Let's get your socks.
Arthur. If you ever feel
like calling me, awesome.
If you don't, I totally get it.
Well, have a great time.
I'll see you later gater. Bye.
- Bye, tomato head.
- What?
- Bye, tomato head.
- Bye, tomato head.
- I like you!
- Bye.
Even though he sees
I'm not 100% well,
I know he doesn't feel responsible.
He can go and have a great time
with his dad
and he might only just have
a glimpse of wondering,
"Hmm, I wonder if mum's
in bed right now?"
Now what?
And that's how I break the cycle.
My mum really tethered a darkness
to me,
that I thought
only my suffering could please her.
Now, my house is a little rustic
cos I haven't been gardening much.
This is like Studio City's version
of Grey Garden.
First I get in the hot tub.
Oh, that feels so good.
That crutch part always gets ya.
Selma Blair is apologizing today
after suffering
a bizarre airplane meltdown.
This photo obtained by TMC,
shows the actress looking out of it
and being treated by two nurses
in First Class.
Selma is now speaking out,
saying in a statement,
that she blacked out
from a mixture of booze and pills.
I went on this trip with Arthur
and his dad.
And it was my first time having
Jason around with me
after a bit of a contentious time.
The room had a full bar
and I didn't know what to do,
when Arthur was in his dad's room
and I just drank.
And Arthur knew mum was definitely
acting strangely,
and I have told him I drank.
And that's why I was in bed
and... childish and immature.
And it is the worst thing
I've ever done as a parent.
And thank God nobody was hurt
and thank God I had the sense
to be such a self-destructive fool
when his father was there.
But I didn't eat anything that week.
I didn't leave my room.
I didn't have a meal.
And got on the plane and went home,
and then on that plane
I had a full-on, like blackout.
And Arthur was asleep
with headphones on his dad,
but I don't remember,
and I had full MS at this time,
I know, cos I was in so much pain,
which is also part of the reason
why I was drinking.
And my mind was confused,
and I was scared.
And a symptom of my MS
that I had for years,
which I don't have right now, was
I always felt like I was on fire.
And I guess I must have said,
as someone reported to the news,
"I'm on fire.
My private parts are on fire."
And very humiliating,
devastating things that,
thank God my son was asleep.
But I could have died and that's
what my son would have known.
And then I believed in God again
because the miracle happened,
I knew I would never drink again.
And I issued an apology right away
cos I disrupted those people
on the plane.
I must have scared Jason.
But I was so grateful, he did not
try to take our child away from me.
He knew I was a good mother.
Even though that was one
of the darkest moment of my life.
This is cold.
Don't think I'm not bringing this
cos this is my go-to laugh.
It just makes my boobs look bigger.
Do you know what's weird is,
it looks totally in-proportion to me
and it makes my lips look bigger.
And I'm gonna put this away
for later
because even a flight attendant
needs to laugh sometime,
God knows I've given them a few,
you know what I mean?
Yeah.
I'm going today to North western
and I'm gonna go through
a stem cell transplant.
I think I'm scared to talk about it
because I don't know what to expect
and I'm... I have told people
in my life that I'm doing this,
but I don't know if it's gonna be
so much easier than I expect,
or if it's gonna be a darkness
that I'm not prepared for,
or God forbid,
which I don't really believe,
but if I die, and that I won't
come back to this house
or my son or my dog.
I mean... it could happen
on any given day to anyone
so it's not like...
but it's just... when I talk
to a woman who did it,
and had really wonderful results,
she said a woman
she did it with died.
She got like a fungal infection
and she, you know, had kids,
and she's my age,
maybe a little younger,
and within two days she died.
I think she said that the woman
had given up cos it was too painful,
like, she just didn't wanna make it
through anymore.
And I really pray that that's not
a mindset that I adopt.
You know, I can't even floss
my teeth there because platelets.
And then I heard your gums recede
like crazy,
so maybe finally,
I'll have big teeth.
I've always wanted big teeth.
I'm gonna get a water pick
and use it as a bidet.
OK, that was inappropriate,
that will not make the film.
OK.
I don't wanna say bye to you.
I'm coming back, OK?
You have a good time.
Esther's gonna play with you.
You too Snoops.
I get... Oh jealous.
Twin kiss. Tell me,
tell me what you have to say?
I know.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
This is my first small round of chemo
and it's fine.
And watch and I go like that
and, like, my hair comes out
and I'm like...
I would like it to be as dramatic
as I am.
Green burial.
So, I was told to make plans
for this, for dying,
not cos I have MS
cos I'm fighting MS
cos I'm gonna go do stem cell.
And there's risks and I'm not, like,
maybe I'm not the healthiest,
but I didn't feel there were risks
until I felt sad from the chemo
and now I'm like, "Yeah, I'm dying."
But I have to make,
you know, my plans and, like,
the green burial options are so...
one, they're pricey and I'm not
gonna save enough in hotels
by the time I die, like,
next month to pay for it.
Especially the hotel
that the girls in,
that I can have everyone
to visit me,
which I don't even want now
I realise, cos when I'm miserable,
I don't even wanna see anyone.
This just seems so bleak.
I don't know how I feel about
a Jewish ceremony,
they've never really liked me,
the Jews.
I'm part Jewish, you know,
I've really played that up
because I've lived that, but then,
I think they might not want me.
I don't know how to live right now
because it's not me that cares,
it's only my nan.
Is it okay if I...
because it was, oh,
I was totally...
Mummy, it's OK.
Don't worry about it at all,
you did the right thing, but don't
let those little critters out.
But it is and then...
it's that, that and
these other things.
Oh there's one here
that looks just like...
Did you like me when I was a baby?
You loved me, right?
I was wondering whether
I was so afraid of you
I hadn't had a baby
in so much time.
It's hard work.
How many ones was it, two days?
It's hard to have a baby
when you're working so much.
It's hard to have a baby when
you're 50, 60 years old.
Yeah, no, I'm not gonna do that.
No here's the medicine...
and idiot who...
We got this from
a pretty reliable source.
Yeah.
I love you mummy.
I know exactly
where she's coming from,
and my sister's don't understand her
and they're saddled with...
with taking care of her,
and it's impossible.
But I totally understand her.
And I don't know if it's cos
my brain is hijacked sometimes too
so I just get it,
and it's not important,
the gobbledygook,
they're just a replacement.
They're just trying to replace
the words she can't find
and it's not important,
and the sisters get hung up
on the words that don't make sense.
But it's not about the words
that make sense,
it's what she's trying to say.
I wish my mum...
to not be afraid,
to be totally at peace.
That's what I wish for my mum
more than anything.
My mother's so rageful...
and wonderful and I idolized her,
but the rage
that is genetically mine
that has turned inwards
and to sadness,
it's all about my mum.
It's never been good enough
and it never will be.
I wanna get rid of everything
I inherited.
I wanna get rid of every bit
of familiar rage
cos it could fuel the sun.
Last night we talked a lot about
just how awful it's going to be,
like, yeah, not the shaving
of the head and the things,
the little things, but being so,
so sick for so many days.
And the uncertainty.
Even if the prognosis
is really good,
there's so many dangers.
It's horribly scary.
I don't want my little sister,
not only to be in all that pain,
but to have the risk of dying
of a fungal infection
or some dumb thing that,
like, wouldn't hurt anybody else,
you know, it's terrifying.
Selma would do this
because she's going to live.
She wants to be able to be
with her son,
she wants to be able
to enjoy each day.
Her spirit is so strong
and she's got grit like nobody.
She's a fighter and she's gonna take
what can be hers.
I think that,
if she didn't have Arthur
maybe she'd have
a different perspective,
but she's not gonna miss out
on that kid's life
and taking it all in with him.
Selma's plan is to get
the stem cell transplant,
lay low as long as she needs to,
and I really feel
that she's going to be OK.
Mum used to get mad at me
cos in kindergarten,
I think I had a growing pain, or MS,
and would drag my leg,
and said,
"My leg hurts, my leg hurts."
And I've been made fun
of my whole life
and now it's the same leg
that I drag.
And I'm like, "Yo, bitch.
"It's MS. Who's lying now, bitch?
Yo!"
There's a little hostility.
Just a little hostility.
Don't say it, don't do it! No...
We don't care about making friends
anymore.
Family secrets, don't do it.
I love you. I love you.
- Arthur, can we squeeze ya?
- What?
Can we squeeze ya?
- I love you little monkey. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, Bear.
- I love you.
I said to Arthur
before I came to Chicago,
"Does anything make you
feel nervous about me doing this?"
And he said, "I don't want you
to lose your hair."
And I said, "Well then,
I'll just have you cut it
"so it's not so surprising to you."
So, he said, "Cool."
I'm fine with my hair being gone,
you know, I don't think about it,
really, but for him.
I love ordering things from Amazon
and they come here.
I hope it's my massager
cos when I'm in the hospital,
here, I'm gonna massage it.
Also, on the steroids,
you get bigger from water gain,
like the, all the chemo.
So, I wanna massage my face.
"Passion beyond imagination."
- You don't know what was it?
- My dad doesn't know that I mean is.
Comfy Mate.
I thought that this was...
I've never been one to,
to use a vibrator, but every time...
this is the second time.
And I went into Sharper Image
at the airport
I needed it for my neck,
my neck hurts all the time,
and I said to the guy,
"I want something hand-held
for my neck, is this good?"
And he's like, "Um, yeah.
That people seem to like it."
And then I'm playing with it
in the airplane
and it's so clearly a little penis,
but it's so not where my mind is.
And I've totally bought another
penis to massage my face and neck
and this is totally an accident.
Let's see if it's come to life yet,
come here.
Oh no, yeah, that's perfect
for my face. I'm not returning it.
This is like a little
lymphatic massage.
Do you think the nurses will laugh
that I'll be like...
TMJ hacks by Selma Blair, thank you.
Is this thing on?
Story of my life.
I love you guys.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Arthur, here's your milk.
I have been here a week for tests
with Bonny
and I was cleared for treatment.
There was some arsehole doctor here
and I wish I could forget it,
but he was a movement specialist
and he was like,
"It doesn't jive with MS, really.
I'm not a MS doctor, but your
movements, like, what?"
And then, this the hardest part
to talk about,
but he said, "I think it's...
"I think, you know, there's no doubt
you have MS,
"but I think it's functional."
And I was like,
"Huh, it's functional."
And Bonny's like, she saw me
and was like, I'm like,
"Oh, you think it's like,
in my head?"
There was a shame
when he said that.
Like, could I have been
that bat shit crazy that this is,
like, just all anxiety?
And I was really fucked up
like for three days.
I was really hurt
and then I went to see a shrink
I talked about it with him,
"You know, I don't wanna miss
my window for stem cell,"
but I felt like I was pleading
my case and it was so stressful.
And then, day five of all this
testing I finally see the MS Doctor
and he's like,
"No, it's not in your head
and we have you do these things
to see how much you can take."
And then he showed me
physically the proof,
like, the rest of the world
would be happy with.
And I'm like,
"Why do you have me see him
"when you know he's gonna do that?"
But you have to have resolve
when you go in.
It just was a blow, it was a blow.
So, your immune cells
are your police force.
They're there to protect you.
Unfortunately in an autoimmune
disease is they get confused
and attack your own body.
In the case of Multiple Sclerosis
they're attacking
your central nervous system,
your spinal cord and brain.
So, the standard therapies
are drugs.
They're basically
slowing the disease down,
but what stem cell transplant does
is it makes you better.
You need a strict
definition of response
and there's no biological
marker for MS
so probably the best
definition is called NEDA.
No Evidence of Disease Activity,
which means no relapses,
no progression
and no knew lesions on MRI
or enlarging lesions on MRI,
that's NEDA.
And so, it turns out
the best drugs give NEDA
one to two years
of about 40 to 50%,
versus transplant which is anywhere
from 60 to 85% for patients.
So, markedly different
and this is off all drugs.
Traditionally, MS is a disease
that robs you of who you are,
it's not curable and you're
only gonna slowly progress
on expensive drugs
with side effects.
Whereas the transplant studies
have really fundamentally changed
some of these autoimmune diseases
to seeing results and benefits
that have never been seen before,
and I always hesitate
using the word "cure,"
but when you have people five years
with only a minority relapsing
they get better,
stay better on no drugs,
you start wondering
where that could be,
but I never use that word.
You know, there's a certain amount
of drugs and none of them cure MS,
so if none of these drugs cure MS
you go down the list.
And this doctor supports this drug,
and this doctor supports that drug.
The second drug on the list
the result of that was
she went down,
and the Paramedics came in
and brought her back.
Because none of those drugs fix it.
They help with the symptoms,
you tend to do it
until that one stops working.
Then you do that next one and
it's just a dance that you stay on,
but nothing actually
ever gets you better.
And I think because
the disease progresses.
If she can stop it from progressing,
it led her to stem cell.
Once they cleared
pre-transplant testing
we set them up with mobilization
and the idea is to move the stem cells
into the blood stream.
It's chemotherapy, it's Cyclophosphamide
is the drug that we use.
After mobilization, they get
discharged the following day
and they begin to take injections,
a growth hormone.
OK, wait 30 minutes, I did that.
Prepare for injection.
Look carefully at the syringe.
Oh my God,
this picture cracks me up.
That process helps the patient build
stem cells in their bloodstream.
So that we can do
a stem cell harvest.
Ten days later they'd be ready
for the collection of stem cells.
So, when we're done, you should be
done by 4:30 or before that even.
And we'll get
the cell therapy people
will count how many cells
are in the bag.
They take it away,
it takes them about an hour
and a half to count the cells.
Then about five o'clock,
5:30 they send us a page.
They tell us how much
you've collected
then at that point, we'll know.
Right now I just feel pretty queasy
and tingly.
Turned out I had a complication.
Suddenly it was like the most
horrible pain in my heart and...
I had and...
I couldn't feel anything.
It was like paralyzed
and I lost my vision, it went white.
It really shook my faith.
It really, really, really
threw me backwards.
Gave me so much stress
and I've kind of been
in this state of weakness
and feeling vulnerable.
And I couldn't say, "I can't breathe,"
cos I couldn't breathe.
And then I passed out
and I went to the top of the room
and I saw the chaos.
The eight people in this tiny room
trying to figure out
what's wrong with me.
And I didn't feel fear or anything,
but I knew I could go in a second.
And then, of course, I thought
about Arthur and strangely, like,
I didn't feel any sadness,
like, you have to stay for him.
I just felt like...
if you have a little
more in you go down.
Go down. Like, this isn't...
this isn't a big deal enough to go.
For this, like,
you can go back down.
And I came back down
and it was so painful.
Yeah, I'm walking.
OK, what do you wanna say to me
cos I'll watch this when I'm...
I'll watch this
when I'm not feeling well.
That's what you wanna say to me?
Is that what you wanna say to me?
I'll watch this when I'm not
feeling well. I love you momma.
I love you so much.
- Bye.
- Bye, Bye, I love you.
Love you, Mum.
She'll go in to the hospital
for two and a half weeks,
be in a little bubble.
Chemo will bring her immune system
essentially down to one percent,
so that her immune system
completely resets.
They put the stem cells back in
and the goal is,
is that the stem cells are going
to build her a new immune system
that is not attacking itself.
The patients
will become neutropenic,
which means their immune system
will be very suppressed.
So for safety concerns,
we're checking vital signs
every four hours,
making sure that there's no fevers,
or we're watching for infection.
If there's an infection
we start antibiotics immediately.
- Love you.
- All right, momma.
So, I'm in a lot of pain.
And I don't know if you can
really do anything about it.
My throat and my lower
back are in spasms.
Just 'cause...
I talked to a friend and he's like,
"Get Dilaudid or something."
But I don't want... it's not like
really warranted. I'm sure...
it's just body pain.
Sometimes
you just have to feel it.
And...
It hurts to swallow so much.
I'm so thirsty.
It hurts so much.
Oh my God! I'm such a baby.
Well there you go...
complaining.
Well, so I feel pretty bad.
My oxygen's low.
My blood pressure
and my fever is...
Getting a fever now.
I don't feel great, that's for sure.
Let me take this off.
It's kind of a bad day.
Transplant day tomorrow.
That's all I've been gearing up for,
so tomorrow is my new,
body's birthday.
Happy birthday.
I want a fresh start.
I want my body to be healthy.
I want these stem cells to...
to grow and love in this
47-year-old fake body
that they have
to now multiple in.
I'm just...
I wanna change my thought pattern
because for so long
I just thought of,
of death as the ultimate goal
in this life.
And now I really
wanna just think of life
as my everyday appreciation,
just simple.
And so, I don't know why
I got all this except for I,
I hope for the exact opposite
for these cells.
You can see when they come
out they're frozen solid.
It should only take a minute or two
to thaw them back to liquid magic.
- Thank you.
- It's a pleasure.
This is the day
This is the day
That the Lord has made
Let us rejoice and be glad in it
Most merciful God,
creator and sustainer of life,
we come before you today,
humbled by your great gift of life
and your infinite love.
You planted within us
these tiny cells
that have the power
to heal and renew,
for giving scientists, physicians,
nurses and medical technologists
the knowledge to use these cells
for our well-being,
we give you thanks.
For having brought Blair to this
special day, we give you thanks.
Lord, you know Blair inside and out
and that you will therefore
understand the words
of this prayer from her heart.
She asks, and we ask,
that you release any genetic
negativity from her life.
We pray that you help
her mother to let go.
Today, we ask
a special blessing on Blair
as she receives
these life-giving cells,
that her trust not only
in their power to heal,
but in your invitation
to new life and new birth.
Grant Blair patience and hope
as she waits for the restoration
of body, mind and spirit.
OK, so we are gonna bless
these stem cells,
you guys can all help me.
And so now send your spirit
upon these cells,
blessing them with your love
and healing power.
In your holy name, we pray. Amen.
So, their immune system will essentially
drop to zero from the chemotherapy.
And the stem cells will help boost
their immune system back.
It's called engraftment.
We're waiting
for the immune system to recover
before we can discharge them.
My mouth tastes like dirty pennies.
Everything tastes bad.
It's weird, I feel like I'm on set.
On an abandoned set and everyone's
gone to another location to work.
It's so empty here.
This is what I do...
whilst laying.
My right hand works well.
My left hand needs more therapy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hmm, it's not that much fun
to play this game by yourself.
Did you see my body?
Look, I look like I gave birth this...
- That is a swollen body.
- Body.
Like, my feet, everything.
Yeah, swollen.
My arms, my neck.
They think it's why the dental pain
is hurting more,
cos I'm getting so much pressure
on the nerve from the... But this is...
With your clothes on though,
you don't look...
Good?
Let's face it.
Pretty good, pretty good.
Oh my God, I feel like
I'm in a Tom Hanks movie,
where he's stranded on an island.
And I'm eating Wilson.
My friend.
When can tooth be fixed?
When can she start flossing?
How long needed to wear mask?
When she can get facial extractions?
All fresh fruits and veggies
OK after discharge?
These are questions Bonny made.
It felt so good to be outside,
but I remember getting to the door
and just thinking
I am so uncomfortable.
And I didn't realise
it could still happen.
I think I thought I was cured.
The stimulus and the moving
and the sun,
I shut down.
You know, when you're not dying,
you go, "Oh my God, I'm dying".
But when you really feel
like you're dying...
All I could say
is I'm really uncomfortable.
Do you remember me?
I can't have your dog butt germs,
your dog butt germs could kill me,
wouldn't that be terrible?
Death by Pippa.
Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo.
Let's go upstairs.
I thought I would be walking
when I came back to my house.
I wanted it overnight,
it didn't happen.
All I wanna do is see Arthur
and I'm afraid I'll scare him.
I'm a really positive person.
It's been a hard couple of days.
A really positive person.
I am happy to see my son.
I'll be happy.
Now I know that he can live
with his dad...
I don't feel like I have to hold onto
anything anymore.
Not if I don't feel better.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know how I was gonna manage
the hurdle of getting home.
Doctor Burt's not a real
chatty Cathy about what to expect,
cos everyone's different,
and he doesn't wanna
put anything in your brain.
Like,
"Oh, you'll feel this or this."
But I'm someone
that likes a little reality,
so I can gauge myself against it
and not feel like a failure.
I don't understand the brain.
And I promised myself,
I wouldn't judge the process.
And I'm judging the process,
cos when I see the-
When I saw the doctor, he's like,
"You've been given
a second chance at life."
Everything beautiful
that I've known,
that I've encouraged other people,
I just kind of felt like,
will it be true for me too?
Cos I...
don't you know,
in some ways, I'm more...
present still.
Even though I feel worse
in the last couple of days
cos I've pushed myself.
But in other ways,
it's harder to talk,
like I...
feel like I can't, like,
I'm losing my speech.
With my brain to get it to you,
if I talk about anything
that I have to focus on.
If I don't have to focus,
if I read something,
"Cuisine de Provence."
If it's something about me
or anything where I'm connected,
it's almost unbearable.
It's just gonna be a lot of,
you know, my brain adjusting.
I think that's what most people
now would know me from,
is from this People Magazine cover.
This is the worst
Seventeen Magazine cover
I've ever seen in my life
and I'm on it.
You know what my mum said?
"Oh, Selma, you just look
so unimportant."
I know.
Help.
So, I knew then
that I wouldn't be a movie star,
I didn't fit into a commercial idea.
I mean I knew it all, right then.
But then let's move on to a success.
Steven Meisel, Italian Vogue.
I look so much like
my mother in these,
cos this is what my mother
had her hair like.
It really felt good for
the self-confidence to know
that someone could see
a better side of you than you saw.
It made me feel very grateful,
cos I've always felt less than.
"It was that moment when she kissed Sarah
Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions 1999
that made Selma Blair
one of the most interesting
actresses of Hollywood's new generation."
Thank you very much.
But I'm not the right fucking size,
I'm out of scale.
I'm smaller than life
and no one noticed it.
No one noticed it.
I noticed my leg was missing,
but I couldn't pinpoint
what was unimportant about me.
And now I'm realizing,
it's not my fault.
They printed me too small.
I mean it's also my fault, cos...
they wouldn't have
printed me too small,
unless that's what I gave off.
Like, no one's gonna
print Nicole too small.
This is so awful, but I never had
a hunger for being...
the best actress I could be.
I would now, if I went back.
Do you think you're gonna go back?
No.
I don't know.
I can't picture being able to be-
I don't know who will believe in me.
How're you doing, Lizzie?
I'm gonna lose you
cos I'm going to the barn.
Are you there?
Is this your first day back?
You know, I went out there before,
but this is my first time
like taking a lesson.
A small lesson. It'll be short.
To not be exhausting, but yes.
This is so exciting. I'm so happy.
Thank you. Me too.
Realistically, I have to learn to,
to ride again and to,
to build up endurance.
And hopefully,
really ride better than I was.
I couldn't have done that a little
while ago.
That's it.
That looks good.
Hips stay a little on the front,
see if you can just arch
the lower back slightly.
You got it.
- Great.
- I'm doing crazy things.
No, you're not doing crazy things,
you look awesome.
Try and hold with the calf,
I know you don't have a ton.
That's it.
Don't be afraid
to give him a little kick,
just because you've
only got so much leg.
You're doing awesome now.
Well, my left leg's nowhere
to be found. That's OK.
So, I can do it
for not even ten seconds.
The fact that you can do it
for ten seconds.
Think about how long it's been
You've been able to do
for ten seconds. It's incredible.
Can we canter this way?
You sure can canter this way.
OK.
OK, remember your double cluck
cos he knows to kind of get off
that double cluck.
Good and then give a little spur.
There you go. Good, good.
Good, that's it.
That's it.
Right shoulder, hip down.
You got it.
You got it.
Come on.
Beautiful. Good.
Then walk before you give up.
Yeah, that's it.
It's really good.
It's a fantastic start.
- It really is.
- OK.
It really is. I'm so excited.
It's the beginning,
beginning, Nibbles.
I love you.
I'm due for an MRI tomorrow.
to see if any new lesions formed.
I felt like maybe
it didn't totally work,
cos I can get very kind of spastic.
So, I'm like,
"Maybe it didn't work for me.
"How did I screw it up?"
So, I haven't been like
maybe that proud of myself.
And the doctor today said,
"Well, no one feels better,
"it takes nine months
for the antibodies to get out",
you know, whatever,
I can't quite remember.
He said, "It takes time"
and then he threw 15 months at me.
And then I ran into Robin Roberts
and, you know, she,
after her stem cell transplant,
she said it took her two years
to get herself back.
And that was the first time
I've heard that today.
That was huge to me,
cos I just thought...
This is just my baseline
and it might not be at all.
I never thought
I'd be a disabled person
that would help
other disabled people.
They saw themselves
and they saw some hope, like,
"I don't just have to get mad
and be ashamed."
And just that act, you know,
gave my life some meaning.
He doesn't know, but I'm racing him.
I won.
I didn't think
I'd climb mountains again.
But...
it's just thought...
it's something to prove.
And I'm gonna do it.
I said, "I'll consider my life
a success if I can die knowing joy."
I said this, you know, years ago.
It was so elusive to me,
it was so impossible,
so embarrassing to want that.
I just didn't know
where joy would be.
After that movie,
there would be joy.
If I make that much money.
If I have that boyfriend.
If I get sober.
And I was always very uncomfortable,
very uncomfortable here on earth.
Just walk towards the door.
Good. Now, on the way back,
turn around.
And what I want you to do,
you kind of relax.
Can you do this type of walk?
Heel to toe, like a policeman
might ask.
Just that one moment of leaving it
just on my left leg.Yeah.
It's-you know, that's just still
like a weird thing...
Can you walk on your toes?
Yes, I can walk on my toes.
And then it's kinda hard
with these type of shoes,
how about your heels?
Can you walk on your heels?
Well, that's all good.
There's no new lesions,
no enhancement, nothing new.
- So that's very good.
- Good.
That's great.
And you'll keep getting better.
It's only been three months.
Usually, the maximum improvement
is about two years
after this procedure,
so you'll just keep getting better.
So, it's normal for some people
to feel foggy still or...
I mean I'm definitely,
I definitely know I'm a lot better.
But, you know, I'm still like dizzy
and kinda hard to focus and...
you know, weird.
I don't wanna be like a weird...
It's only been three months.
But if there's a way to, you know,
be able to be more relaxed with,
with less stress.
No, I'm not going back to work
for a long time.
I can't keep it consistent yet.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you know?
But when you're ready,
work can be therapeutic.
- I want you to be able to do that as well.
- Of course.
- OK?
- No new lesions.
My first time since knowing
I had MS, no new lesions.
Thank you, Doctor Burt.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.
I dropped some tears
when I saw the scars on my brain,
when I saw those,
like, big white spots.
But as he pointed out, you know,
the brain has to kind
of be relaxed and...
free to find, you know,
build new pathways
where the scar tissue is and stuff.
I have to fly again tomorrow.
It wipes me out.
I mean, I'm in Chicago, I'd be crazy
not to take this opportunity
to get home to Detroit, but...
I'm just going home to see mum.
Since I'm so close,
I don't know if I'll make it back.
I mean maybe I will.
I don't have anger anymore
and I don't have anger at my mum.
I'll go home to see her.
And I just can't even drudge up
like any feeling of resentment.
And it's not cos she's dying,
it's cos I felt I died.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
I really wanted to.
I really wanted to.
I couldn't.
I couldn't get the rest around.
- Yeah.
- A cartwheel's nothing.
But I mean it's not
on the required list, like for like...
"Doctor Burt, I just can't do
cartwheels anymore."
I'm trying to look dead
for a dramatic ending.
I'm sick today.
Now this Coronavirus is just...
whole family of seven Coronaviruses
known to infect humans.
It's now famous as SARS and MERS
because they've killed
a lot of people.
But each one
are actually more successful.
I am a little pissy
and really confused
that I just didn't make
this miraculous recovery.
But I did truly believe
I would wake up one day.
Three months from stem cell and go,
"Oh my God,
this is what everyone else feels."
And it didn't happen in the way
I thought it would,
cos my physical health
is still very challenging.
I can see my pool now,
I know what I'm dealing with.
And it's...
That's still my brain a little
and my thoughts.
And this is kind of like
the possibilities.
And really I am making this,
you know, for my mum.
This is so I can say
I lived like a pond or like...
Cos that was how we gauged success
is that we'd die really
in a beautiful space.
That we'd live
in a beautiful space by water.
And it didn't happen
for me and my mum.
My mother's dead.
And I feel horrible
cos she can't get put in the ground.
I never thought I would not be there
to be with my mum
when she went or
my sisters to comfort them.
And cos the Coronavirus happened,
of course, and we all stayed put.
So, she's in like a kaleidoscope.
Like, shake and bake.
Like a tube, a scattering tube.
So, you don't have to touch it now.
And, and mum really wanted
to be in earth though,
like right when she died.
I think she really appreciated
that concept of like ashes to ashes,
like right away.
So, I don't know how
to help send her off,
as a person on Earth though,
admires her so much.
When a mother falls short
in our mind,
we feel we've been slighted
of an opportunity
to be a good person.
To be the best person.
To be a well-adjusted person.
And I blamed my mother
for me not having the right tools
and I feel so petty for that now.
I'm calling my mum, let's see
if I still have her on favorites.
Ah, mum.
It's Molly, please leave a message
after the beep. Thank you.
Mum! Oh my God, it's you!
I'm dying.
Oh my God, mum, you know
how you called me, "Maudlin" before?
You ain't seen nothing yet.
You're dead.
She would've cracked up so hard
if she were here to listen to that.
That's the stuff
that would have her roaring
she'd be begging me not to.
She'd be screaming.
"Stop! Stop! Go on!
Stop, I need a drink."
Then it was the cigarette
and the drink
and she's go, "Niagara falls!"
Cos only that could wash away
the horror of what she was thinking.
If I were to make
her uncomfortable.
In your life, when people ask you,
"How are you?"
I do say, "Good" now.
But then if they go,
"No, really, how are you?"
I go, "Give me your number,
"I'm gonna send you videos
all the time."
- Cheers.
- Thank you.
I'm not uncomfortable with sickness.
I'm uncomfortable
with permanent sickness.
I know the simple tricks.
So, if I can feel
the parts of my body
then I can continue in the loop.
But when I transition to a new
setting, it'll be a shitshow again.
And when I go in the world,
I can turn into
the Hunchback of Notre-Dame.
It's very dramatic.
And I can't do it anymore.
I think I will be a recluse.
I'm really depressed. I'm really
struggling, but at the same time,
I realise, you know, everyone is.
We called it
the Merlin the Magician dress.
Always she told me
that I could get it when she died.
I always liked the emeralds
and they seemed so big.
And impossibly glamorous
and they're really understated.
They're really understated
and sweet.
But when I was little,
they were a big deal.
She wore this and all the sisters
wanted it, but I took it.
Cos it reminded me of the Tin Man's
heart and always reminded me.
I took it years and years ago.
I've worn it since I've been in LA.
So, that's just a silver heart
and this was her Saint Laurent
Merlin the Magician dress.
I waited for her to die
to have this.
She didn't even let me try it on
when she was alive.
There was so many other things,
she only did it to be sweet to me.
To make, give it importance.
Everyone always gets
in the water at the end,
it's always like
the big move, right?
That's a good thing,
I don't ever see it as gloomy.
Like, I don't see going
into the water ever as giving up.
You're going into like
a totally amazing thing.
I always tried to make sense
of how unhappy I was.
And my mother tethered
a darkness to me
because she didn't want to encourage
this helplessness in me.
I think she wanted me to realise,
like, we're all helpless,
so do something, you know,
you're not special.
I don't know how to say, like,
I'm embarrassed to say,
I'm at peace.
I mean, I have huge moments
where I'm not,
but overall, I am at peace.
And I hope I can do more for people.
But you put the life mask
on yourself and...
I've been taking a long time
with myself and I hope,
before I die, I really will have
made a contribution
for the people we live with.