Irreplaceable You (2018) Movie Script

[delicate piano music]
[Abbie] What if we stayed in bed all day?
[Sam] That sounds like the best day ever.
We should stay here all week.
[Abbie] What if we got bored?
[Sam] Us, bored?
When have we ever been bored?
[Abbie] What if we got hungry?
What would we do for food?
[Sam] Well, we could order takeout
and have it delivered right here.
[Abbie] But then what if we lost our jobs
and apartment
and we had no place to live?
[Sam laughs]
[Sam] Stop. Stop worrying.
[Abbie] Full disclosure:
I didn't have to worry about any of that,
because this is where my story ends.
So does yours, by the way.
So does everyone's.
It's okay. Really.
Calm. Peaceful.
One with nature.
Most of it I don't miss at all.
But then, there's Sam.
- [Abbie] Hi, Sam.
- Hi, Abbie.
[Abbie] Sam was... is the love of my life.
But let's start at the beginning.
[guide] And here we come
to our coral reef, home to many species,
including over 50 types of fish,
the green moray eel, the cownose ray...
Oh, those guys are mating.
Okay. Uh, look over there!
Why are, like, six of them
mating together?
Which one is the mommy?
See, here's the thing, kids,
fish are not like people.
They're not monogamous.
Not that many people are either,
but that's another...
What's "monogamous"?
Well, uh,
okay, monogamy means
if you love someone,
you stick with them for the long haul.
My dad screwed my Aunt Rosa.
My mommy and daddy are separated.
My mom ran away with my dentist.
My dad said she was getting
her cavity filled in.
Yep. It's not easy.
Lots of things can separate us:
Aunt Rosa, the dentist,
Lauren Mulgrew in World of Amphibians.
there actually is one monogamous fish.
The deep-sea anglerfish.
The male anglerfish hunts for the female,
following her through
the most dangerous parts of the deep.
Then, when he finds her,
he bites into her flesh
and never, ever lets go.
The two fish fuse into one.
And we're walkin'.
And we have our listening ears on.
[Abbie] And that was it. True love.
[bright music]
Well, true love
plus an emergency room visit for Sam,
and a lot of therapy for me.
Girl, don't wanna say
I wanna stay apart
Girl, you try to change
I just might break in two
Hey, don't wanna say
I'll never stay up till
[rock music]
[Abbie] Sam's telling the story
of the bite, again,
which was a romantic gesture!
Really it was a behavioral problem.
She bit like six kids that year.
You're the only one
that meant anything to me.
Well, I had to go to the hospital.
- Six stitches.
- Three stitches.
I almost got kicked out of school.
You should have been kicked out of school.
You were rabid.
For years, I've tried to have her
de-fanged and de-clawed.
- Nice, Mom. Really nice.
- Hey! Oh! Guys, guys, guys!
Everybody, everybody,
come... come this way, please.
- I would like to make a toast.
- Oh, Benji...
- Oh, yeah.
- That's a really bad idea.
- Not a toast.
- Sam, Sam, it's already started.
Uh, happy engagement, you guys. Yeah?
- Happy engagement.
- Cheers!
Yeah! To the bride and groom! Huh?
I mean, they don't make any sense
on paper, right?
I mean, Abbie is type A
and Sam is type Z.
- Come on, I'm not type A.
- Uh...
What is a Z?
I mean, how did an amazing woman
like you
end up with the most clueless white dude
in the city? I mean, like...
- Like, you know, I mean, you...
- Benji!
- I'm not...
- Really. Dude.
- This could be your best toast ever.
- [Benji] Look, honestly,
I generally disapprove
of people who are as disgustingly happy
as you guys are,
but, um, I'm really glad
that you proposed to this guy.
Oh! You proposed.
- You know, she just beat me to it.
- That's great.
I was trying to figure out
the best moment and...
You were taking too long!
So, I stuck a rubber band on my finger
- and that was it.
- That's cute.
The truth is, there may be a little
incentive to make it all official.
We're not telling people yet.
But I guess everybody knows now, so...
- [Benji] Wow.
- Yay!
- Yay!
- [Benji] Yay!
- Congratulations!
- [Benji] That's great.
There's gonna be... three.
Every time the sun comes up
I see double
What if it hadn't worked out between us?
What if I, like, had been hit by a bus
or run off with gypsies
or become a man?
I would have stopped the bus,
joined the gypsies or become gay.
You would be gay if I were a man?
Well you don't need to do that.
Become a man?
Test it.
Top of the books,
seven o'clock from the lamp.
I don't give a fuck
about my glasses right now.
You will, in the morning
when I'm in the shower.
- And they're not on your side.
- Stop talking.
Eminently psychological. It's like...
[Abbie] Okay, so are you good
if we confirm the venue today?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, and the caterer wants to know
- chocolate, hazelnut, or raspberry.
- Mm-hmm.
[Abbie] Sam?
What? For what?
For the cake. The wedding cake.
Well, not hazelnut.
Nobody's ever like,
"Yum! That cake is hazelnut!"
Okay, raspberry or chocolate?
Please not raspberry.
The seeds get stuck in your teeth and then
you realize later nobody told you
and it's like, "Are these people
even my friends?"
So chocolate?
It seems so obvious.
That's one green and one red.
Well, they feel the same.
- Don't forget to water Ruby.
- Ruby.
[Sam] Clearly there are still
more than a few misconceptions
about the structural differences
between sensory neurons, interneurons,
and motor neurons.
Which is totally cool.
Does anyone have any questions
about this?
I know, it's exciting stuff.
So then he just sends me
this totally unprompted dick pic,
and I'm like, "Whoa! You just went there?"
And he says,
"Oh, baby, that's only my level one."
What is that?
He has a level one, two, three,
depending on relationship status.
Aren't you curious about level two?
It's insane. Look.
Well, at least he's thinking of you.
Lies. All lies.
I saved it to my photo album,
and it says it was taken on April 4, 2013.
We hadn't even met yet.
This erection has nothing to do with me.
I hate dating.
You're so lucky you have Sam.
I mean, yes, but I still had to get
maybe pregnant to get him to step up.
Oh, my God, Abbie! That's it!
I just need to get definitely pregnant.
No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying.
But, uh, speaking of...
- Oh, my God, I got to go.
- What? You're not supposed to go today.
We have the meeting
with all the mom blogs.
You're supposed to approve
the feminist princess book.
Melanie, you got this.
I don't got this.
Oh, God, I didn't realize it was possible
to be this tired and bloated.
Maybe it's twins.
[phone buzzes]
Level two.
[Abbie] How is it possible something
that giant comes out of there?
It just looks like something
out of a sci-fi horror movie.
That's not helpful!
[Dr. Michaelson]
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
This picture, is it necessary?
[Abbie chuckles]
Um, Abbie, I have some difficult news.
The blood test shows
that you are not pregnant.
- [Abbie] Are you sure?
- Yes.
Oh, okay.
I guess that's okay.
I- I mean, the whole thing
was kind of a surprise.
- Yeah. We probably weren't even ready.
- Right.
It-it-it's just...
It's weird 'cause, um,
I know it's super early,
but I-I really feel something there.
The sonogram shows
that you have a mass in your pelvis
roughly the size of a tangerine.
It can mimic pregnancy.
- A mass?
- What kind of a mass?
[Dr. Michaelson] I don't want you guys
to panic, because it could be nothing.
[Abbie] There's this moment
when everything changes.
You look back,
and there was the moment before.
See that person?
It's not helpful!
She's thinking about
whether she's hoping for a boy or a girl,
and tiny fingers and toes, and then...
[Dr. Michaelson]
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
[Abbie] Suddenly...
At least we won't have to pay for college.
Unless it's a really smart tumor.
Too soon?
[sighs] It's too soon.
A tangerine is better than an orange.
Or a grapefruit.
Right. Or, um...
What's bigger than a grapefruit?
[both] A watermelon.
[Abbie] Oh, wait, sorry.
Did I say that was the moment?
[Dr. Kessler]
It's two tangerines and a grapefruit.
Correction, this is the moment.
That's a lot of fruit.
[Dr. Kessler] Uh, the tests have shown
that it is cancer.
And I know how hard this must be to hear.
It's incredibly rare
in someone your age. It's just...
It's just terrible luck.
Now we can talk about options
whenever you're ready.
Is there one that doesn't involve dying?
[Dr. Kessler] Uh, I-I've already consulted
with a colleague,
and after the initial surgery,
there's a clinical trial
I'd like to enroll you in.
You didn't answer my question.
Did he answer my question?
[Dr. Kessler]
We don't like to make predictions.
But in addition to your treatment,
I want to talk to you
about your quality of life.
Uh, we can help with pain management
and some palliative care.
And also some people have found
great solace from support groups.
[voice fading]
I know this is a terrible shock,
but let's take it one day at a time.
[dreamy music]
[Jane] I'm... Abbie, I'm so, so sorry. I...
- [Abbie] Mom. Mom, stop crying.
- [Jane] Why is this happening?
[Abbie] Everything's gonna be okay.
This is all my fault. It's all my fault.
No, it's not your fault, Mom.
Was it all that diet soda I let you drink?
I should not have let you drink
that diet soda.
No, I don't think
it was all the diet soda.
I shouldn't have used the microwave. I...
And anyway, we'll never know.
- I'm gonna come visit and cook for you.
- Yeah. Okay.
- I love you. I love you, Abbie.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Love you.
- You're my baby girl.
Hi! I'd like to cancel
my membership to Crunch.
[woman] That's so sad. Why?
Because I'm officially dying,
so I kind of feel like, "Why work out?"
[woman] You don't love Crunch?
No, I'm perfectly satisfied with Crunch.
- [woman] Have you tried our classes?
- Yes, I've tried the classes.
- Have you tried Booty Kickin' Step?
- No, I haven't tried Booty Kickin' Step.
- I'm gonna need to put you on hold.
- Yep. I'll hold.
[rock music]
[keypad beeping]
Hi, this is Abigail Gordon
from the Gordon-Jones wedding.
Mm. Yeah. Um,
so we had booked your venue
for our wedding, but, uh...
unfortunately, it turns out I'll be...
Unavailable. Um...
So we were hoping
we could still get the deposit back. Uh...
If you could call me back and let me know,
that'd be great. Thanks.
[phone chimes]
[delicate music]
[Sam] Abs, how you feeling?
[Abbie] I'm scared.
[Sam] It's-It's gonna be okay.
- [Abbie] What if I die?
- [Sam] We're gonna fight this.
I'll always be there for you.
[Abbie] They say after surgery
you're going to experience
some minor discomfort.
It's Stage IV cancer.
Nothing is minor.
Nothing is comfortable.
So, let's, um,
let's take another look
at the proposed model
for auto-associative memory
and its constituent neural network.
Or not. Let's not and say we did.
Class dismissed.
- Hi.
- How's it going? I'm Dominic.
Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna be running your treatment suite.
Treatment suite?
Oh, yeah, don't get excited.
It doesn't even have four walls.
Uh, go ahead and grab a seat right there.
For the next time,
you're probably gonna want
to bring your own pillow in from home.
You're also gonna need your cell phone
with headphones and grab a magazine.
Some of these guys tend to hoard 'em.
You're gonna end up reading
an old ripped up copy of Duck Enthusiast.
Oh. It's okay,
I don't read Duck Enthusiast.
Yeah, well, you will. All right, feet up.
Yeah, there you go.
Uh, yes,
you will feel like shit after this,
but it's different for everybody.
And no, your hair isn't gonna fall out
right away.
And besides, it looks like you have
plenty of it, so you're doing good.
Uh, and if you need snacks,
you got to bring them from home.
My name is not Seamless.
I feel underdressed.
Oh, that guy?
Yeah, I don't know why he does that.
- I think he thinks it helps.
- Does it?
I don't know. He's not dead yet,
so it's got to be doing something, right?
[phone rings]
Cute. Who's that, husband?
- He's teaching right now, so...
- Oh, okay. Cool. He...
- What does he teach?
- Hi.
Hey, what's his name?
What's his-What's his name?
- Uh, Sam.
- Sam. Cool. Tell Sam I say, "What up?"
Uh, the nurse says, "What up?"
My name's Dominic. You don't have
to call me a nurse or whatever.
You can just use my name.
- Dominic says hi.
- It's Dominic, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Let Sam know you're in good hands.
All right?
[mellow rock music]
When everything feels all over
Everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all worry out of your mind
Let my love open the door
[Mitch] If you think it's working,
that... that's great.
Come on in. We're just getting started.
Go grab yourself a hook and yarn.
[Kate] Have you heard of Catholic yoga?
It's a full Latin Mass with vinyasa
yoga positions, and I come out...
- You serious?
- Yeah!
I feel like I'm in touch with...
- Oh.
- ...the beyond. So, that's neat.
- Whatever... Whatever works.
- Mm-hmm.
Last month?
Twelve thousand dollars on treatments.
Plus, I'm currently unemployed.
Cancer is your job.
Well, I'd rather be unemployed.
I wouldn't sit there.
This is the Man Cave.
- Yeah, we don't listen to the women.
- Yeah. We don't listen to each other.
Hey, guys, make her feel welcome.
Yeah, come on. Only kidding.
Only kidding.
Welcome to the last group
you ever wanted to be a member of.
What's your name?
[exhales] Abbie.
Hi, Abbie.
But, you know, don't get attached.
[Mitch] Got it.
You okay, there, Meryl?
She's so pretty.
You don't even know her.
Well, I... I like the name Abbie.
[Mitch] Let's...
all let Meryl have her process.
[Myron] Here.
Just find the end.
Meryl, that's so pretty. What is that?
- Well, it's gonna be a teddy bear.
- Ah.
Is that for your nephew?
No. It's, uh, for me to be buried with.
[Kate] Ah. Well, I like
that you're thinking ahead.
Smart lady. [slight chuckle]
Hey, Myron, your doily
is really coming along.
Yeah. I... I wish I could say the same
for the rest of my life.
Every morning I wake up,
new lease on life,
lasts about 20 minutes.
Then I remember...
the Mets suck,
there's construction on the F train,
I got a leak in my roof
that's gonna cost $3,500.
Apparently, I still sweat the small stuff.
Hard not to.
How is Estelle holding up?
She's good.
There's a new hawk in Central Park.
Every morning we go out there
and watch the little guy.
I hope she keeps up the bird-watching
after I'm gone.
With whatever new guy she's banging.
Welcome to group.
- It's the way we roll.
- We have fun.
The whole point is to mingle.
Not feeling up to it.
Neither does anybody. That's why we do it.
Multiple myeloma.
You've never heard of it?
Stay a while.
I'm not really a mingler.
Not a crocheter either, apparently.
Didn't have time
for pointless hobbies then,
really don't have time for them now,
and I'm especially uninterested
in discovering
that crocheting is a metaphor
for healing or whatever.
What you're feeling is totally normal.
You know, I wish people
would stop telling me
that totally insane things
are totally normal.
Insane things are normal.
Have you looked around?
And you just accept that?
You just accept everything
that's going on?
You make jokes about your wife
having a new boyfriend?
I don't accept it, but in the event
that I do kick the bucket,
I hope she does find a boyfriend.
Somebody nice.
Less well-endowed to be sure, but nice.
Well, I just think
I am in a different situation.
Sam and I met when we were kids,
we've been together forever.
- How old is he?
- Thirty-one.
Yeah, he's gonna go through
a major slut phase.
I also have Tourette's.
Good to know.
Yeah. You come back.
Nice to meet you, Myron.
Nice to meet you, Abbie.
- And thanks for the advice.
- All right.
Are you gonna go through a slut phase?
Why would you say that?
You're not even thinking about it?
That's the absolute furthest thing
from my mind right now.
It's further than like
meeting someone on Tinder. [chuckles]
Okay, but Tinder can't be
that far from your mind
because you just said it, which means
you had to be thinking about it,
which means
you're thinking about this too.
Yeah. I'm busted.
I'm serious.
Look at you.
- The puppy-dog eyes.
- What?
The absent-minded professor thing.
- I'm just a TA.
- [sighs]
- This is a disaster.
- What are you talking about?
You don't know.
Because you have no experience.
Women are gonna eat you alive.
- I can take care of myself.
- But what if you can't?
Who's gonna match your socks
or keep up with your glasses
or make you chicken?
You don't make me chicken.
Yeah, but I would, hypothetically.
Well, our hypothetical chicken
has been in the freezer for like a year.
What are you doing?
Figuring out how to cook a chicken.
No time like the present.
How do I cook a chicken?
[Siri] Let me think about that.
Okay, I found this on the web
for "How do I cook a chicken?"
It's gonna be amazing.
[Abbie] Just 'cause you're dying
doesn't mean your life stops.
Then how come at the end of Reloaded,
Neo can just all of a sudden
use his powers outside of the Matrix?
Explain that.
Because the entire Matrix was a metaphor,
and if you can't see that,
you're in the Matrix right now.
[Abbie] There's still ups...
and downs...
and aerobics.
Some things are pretty easy to let go of.
Some things are harder.
It's like you forget all the other things.
Somehow am I moving
Too slow
You lead, I'll follow
Abbie, have you read the new Cleocatra?
Marianne Hall's awesome.
She writes this whole narrative
about a feline in Ancient Egypt.
I think we should take a meeting with her.
Oh, yeah. It's great. I love it.
Are you on a dating app?
Cancer making you super horny for girls?
Who uses these things anyway?
I don't know.
Um, I do.
But why are you on it?
Just... research.
Okay, um, I'm gonna set up this meeting.
Oh, yeah. Sure, Melanie. Make it work.
I hide
You seek
Whatever you find
You keep
I can stay here in the dark
Slutty. Sluttier.
[Jim] And so, uh, when my numbers
came back this time,
I just, honestly,
I just thought I can't keep fighting.
[Kate] Jim, you don't have to go there.
'Cause it's all about attitude.
Well, let's let Jim have his process.
[Kate] Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
I just think that his process
should be more positive.
Everyone is entitled to... to be sad.
Thank you.
It's not even your cancer.
- I... I like to think of it as me.
- Of course you do.
You know what I'm loving these days
is meditation.
And I... I know it sounds trite,
but I just have been feeling so blessed
every time I sit there in silence.
Maybe you could try that now?
Or we could laugh.
- That's okay too.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry. Just...
Some of these women are so cheesy.
"I want to dip you in whipped cream
and put my cherry on top."
What does that even mean,
anatomically speaking?
Using a sundae model
as a sexual proposition.
It is confusing. I have to s...
I mean, cherry... cherry's
got to be a hymen, right?
- Probably a busted hymen.
- [Kate] Mm-hmm.
I... I, um... mine broke on a horse.
And me, I was born without one.
- So...
- It was my favorite horse, though.
Okay, uh, that's about it for today.
Were you sexting just now?
Let me have my process.
Your process is sexting?
You're the one who said
Sam would go through a slut phase.
I thought you were crazy,
but then I thought about it more,
and he's gonna be a chick magnet.
And the worst part is, he's gonna have
no idea how to handle it
because he's never had to date.
He's gonna be lonely and vulnerable.
He could wind up with someone
really controlling and crazy.
Imagine that.
I have to make sure he finds love
and learns how to cook chicken.
Classic rookie mistake.
What are you talking about?
Thinking you can do something
to lessen the loss.
There's a word for what you're doing.
It's a technical term.
- You want to know it?
- No, thanks.
"Anticipatory grieving."
Trying to cope with the loss
before it happens.
So, Meryl over there
writes a birthday card to her husband
for every year she's gonna be gone,
and Jim...
makes a video montage
of himself as Santa
for all the Christmases
he's gonna miss with his kids.
It doesn't change anything.
Look, what do I know?
My advice? You're hooking him up,
concentrate on a booty.
Yours, you know, it's... it's flat.
My booty is not flat.
You have a terrible ass.
Fuck you.
Here, give me that.
- Oh, you got a match.
- Oh, really?
- Sexypants89.
- Okay, let me see that.
Why the 89?
[Abbie] Why do you think?
She was born in 1989.
- And then you hit another one.
- That scrolling? Yep.
What happens if I do that?
- Uh-oh!
- Ooh.
[Benji] We can look into doctors,
and, um, experimental treatments,
and all that shit.
I mean, she's gonna beat the odds, man.
I mean, that's what odds are for.
You know, for beating.
Man, look, I bet Abbie
is on the phone right now
- with doctors from Germany just like...
- Benji.
Talk about something else.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I...
Okay. Let me see that.
Something else.
Okay, guess how many people
have the same birthday as you?
Ten million.
You know the percentage
of identical twins?
- Five?
- Mm-mm. Three.
Oh, man, did you know
that a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes?
- Seriously?
- Thirty whole minutes, man, yeah.
And then when bats fly out of a cave,
they go left.
- Why?
- Hell if I know, man.
Donald F. Duck. What's his middle name?
- Frank.
- No.
- Frederick.
- No.
- F... Uh...
- Fauntleroy.
[both laugh]
- Fauntleroy.
- Faunt what?
Tell Abbie she has
really good pot too, man.
[Abbie] You know, I'm only trying
to prepare him for the inevitable.
[Dominic] Mm-hmm.
I mean, let's be real.
Life is gonna go on.
I'm gonna go ahead
and just stop you right there.
This is all maybe some of the dumbest shit
that I have ever heard in my entire life.
And if you do get better,
you're gonna feel like a real ass.
You are not allowed
to talk to me like that, okay?
I'm sick.
I don't think that makes you special
in this context.
[coughs feebly]
Not working.
- [coughing]
- No. No.
No, come on, that's not gonna work.
Nope. Nope. The pouty thing...
that's not working either.
No, none of it. None of it.
Are you showing me your tubes?
- That's very mature. That's...
- Get off my chair.
- You want some orange rice?
- No.
- No? All right.
- Thank you.
- It's a pretty dumb idea, though.
- It is not dumb.
He's kind of, uh, a little academic.
So I decided to cut out gluten.
That was like the first thing that I did.
I would just like wake up in the morning
and feel like totally fatigued.
Just like, "eh."
[Abbie laughs]
You know, into his, uh, sciencey stuff.
I don't really get any of it, but...
[both laugh]
[Abbie] No, no, no.
You know, it's the weirdest thing.
My cat's name is Sam.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
[Abbie] Too freaky. Too needy.
Too slutty. Too neurotic.
And, you know, he's allergic to cats.
So... so, you know, if you have...
Okay then.
So it says on your online profile
you were Phi Beta Kappa.
- I had no life in college.
- [laughs]
And now you're a researcher
for the National Institute of Health?
Yes. Still have no life.
I'm just... I'm just tired of being alone.
I'm where I want to be career-wise,
and I really would like to settle down
and have a family.
Oh, my God. Sorry.
It was gonna fall over.
Natural caretaker.
Also overbearing neurotic.
I'm the same way.
Let's set up a date.
Um, just...
If I could just be honest with you,
um, I just don't quite understand
why a man would send his assistant
to pre-interview women.
I just... I don't get it.
Yeah, um...
Here's the deal.
[Abbie] Sally!
Please don't hold it against him!
This is the craziest thing like ever!
- Oh, shit. Oh, sorry! I'm sorry!
- No, I got it.
Got it.
It's kind of a long story.
I... I think I heard it.
I mean, I know I shouldn't,
but spying on the customers
is like the only thing
that makes this job halfway bearable.
You are way more interesting than most.
I know, it's unusual.
Yo, dude, I think it's awesome.
Like, my mom died seven years ago.
I was in high school.
And after she passed,
my dad spent every night alone.
And I tried to tell him, "Go out.
Live life. Find someone."
But not just anyone. The right person.
Exactly. Which is hard.
[laughs] Right.
I mean, do you have any like friends
or anything that could
like take him off your hands?
Not anyone that would get this.
I mean, the thing is, finding
the right one is actually about volume.
You should host a mixer.
- No, like, invite some people.
- Yeah, right.
Nothing says "fun" like a mixer
hosted by your dying fiance.
I mean, I'm having an art opening...
at this gallery space on Friday.
You could use it as a front.
You, like, wouldn't even need to be there.
And... And an art opening could bring
together some really interesting women.
Like the right types. Not that
there wouldn't be some people there
with like interested in the free snacks,
I wouldn't want to...
No, honestly, dude,
you'd be doing me a real solid.
I'm Abbie.
I'm Mira.
[mellow music]
A hundred and fifty dollars?
This place is a rip-off.
I could make this myself one week tops.
Focus, please.
We just need to freshen up
Sam's look a little.
Why is that again?
[sighs] Trust me.
Any woman that meets him
is gonna want to shop for him.
The wrong one will put him in these.
- What are you doing?
- What?
You're the only one who gets to make
bad decisions because you're dying?
Terminal cancer. Put it on my bill.
You're just so cool with everything.
I'm not cool with any of this.
I've been dying longer than you have.
You get better at it.
Well, it's like this vest.
At first it's, "Why is that old man
wearing that horrible vest?"
Pretty soon I become the vest guy.
After that, you realize that
you'd hardly recognize me without it.
I look comfortable in it.
It's a part of me, so...
you accept it.
I don't think I can ever accept you
in that vest.
Try this on. I want to see
what it'll look like on Sam.
But let me pair it
with some skinny jeans.
- Okay.
- I look three days younger.
Come on.
These... Oh!
They're cutting off my circulation.
Seriously, my ankles are tingling,
my feet are asleep.
- You look hot!
- It's just...
Can I ask what this is about?
Just some retail therapy.
And where am I supposed
to put my phone?
Okay, this jacket is dry clean only.
Which means, if I'm not around,
do not put this in the laundry.
Shit. Laundry.
All right, so...
- In here.
- Really?
- Okay, so...
- I know how to turn it on.
Yeah, but colors, whites, delicates.
The dryer sometimes gets stuck,
so, uh, you just give it two kicks.
[kicks twice] Right here. Like that.
- And it will generally unstick itself.
- [kicks twice]
Uh, this dial is the minutes.
It tells you how much time you have left.
If the time runs out
before the clothes are ready, you just...
turn the dial.
- Hmm. Wait.
- What?
- [groaning]
- Are you okay?
[coughing, retching]
Yeah, I tend to have that effect on women.
[both laughing]
Too soon?
[both laughing]
Yeah, too soon.
[delicate music]
- [Sam] I love you, Abs.
- [Abbie] I love you, Sam.
[Sam] I've loved you since the beginning.
[Abbie] I've loved you
since the beginning.
- [Sam] And I'll always love you.
- [Abbie] I'll always love you.
[machine buzzing]
- [Sam] I'll love you forever.
- [Abbie] I'll love you forever.
Mom, would you stop?
Hospitals are very dehydrating.
Don't touch your face.
I don't want you to get sick.
[indistinct PA announcement]
More sick.
Everything going okay in here?
Hey, Mom, you want to do me a favor
and run down to the cafeteria
and get us some Ho Hos?
- Ho Hos?
- Yeah. You don't know Ho Hos?
They're like little pinwheel cakes.
Chocolate covered. They're delicious.
- How about if I get you a green salad?
- Great.
- Green juice.
- That sounds great.
Yeah, but don't forget
those Ho Hos though.
I got a little bit of a sweet tooth.
- [Jane] They still make Ho Hos?
- They still make them.
Thanks, Mom.
[gasps] Oh! Here we go.
Vegetable Gardening for Dummies.
Camping for Dummies.
Ooh. He could take up Bridge.
- It could help him meet people.
- Oh. Here's a good one.
The Art of Letting Go.
Try that.
Look, if you don't agree
with what I'm doing...
I don't. But I enjoy hanging with you.
It's interesting.
You're like a slow-moving car crash.
- Ooh.
- Thanks.
[sighs] It's exactly how I feel, actually.
It's like I'm heading
towards this brick wall,
and I can't do anything...
- Myron?
- Here. Look at that.
Hey, I'm not dead yet.
Oh, my gosh.
- You're gonna get that?
- Yes. It's a keeper.
- It's not a Dummy book.
- Okay.
- No, don't. That's enough.
- Okay. Okay.
[Abbie] "Likes vegetable gardening
and is learning to play Bridge."
What if I had run away and joined a cult?
I guess I would have to join too.
What if relationships between
cult members was frowned upon?
Like an asexual cult?
Yeah. And you couldn't do an intervention
and get me out
because I was totally brainwashed.
Well, I guess I would have to become
a rival cult leader,
re-brainwash you
according to my philosophy,
and then steal you away into my cult,
which would be a sex cult.
What if I were exactly like me,
except I had really terrible halitosis.
I would get you a mint.
Or I would destroy the olfactory receptors
in my nose so that I didn't care.
What if I die?
I would...
never recover.
Should I be able to tell
that you're circumcised in those jeans?
'Cause I can. And there's not
a lot of, uh, room for imagination
or your penis in those pants.
I don't want to go to this.
I don't... I don't know anything about art.
- I don't even like art. I'm color-blind.
- Would you relax?
- She just wants people there.
- Is she hot?
Trust me, Benji, it will be
a target rich environment.
See? Come on, man. Free food, cute girls.
Come on, let's do this.
How exactly do you know this artist again?
We met randomly at a cafe,
and we really bonded and...
- When?
- I... I don't know. I just...
I don't want to disappoint her.
Are you sure you can't come?
I- I don't feel up to it. Trust me.
Okay. W... We'll go, just as long
as you stop touching my hair.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- You're adorable.
- [laughter]
- Stop that!
- Oh, he can move in them!
- [Abbie] Let's go.
- No, not really.
Man, I think you look amazing.
I mean, this is genius.
- Like, there's zippers and keys.
- Shut up.
Okay, okay.
It's gonna be great.
Have fun.
We got this. We got this.
I mean, that ass, right?
[Benji] Come on, hold my hand.
[hip-hop music]
To really get into the souls
of what it is that you want, you know,
'cause that's what I focus on.
You know? Just how the female energy
makes a man who he is.
[muffled hip-hop music]
[Abbie] Is he mingling?
He's admiring the art.
Sam doesn't care about art.
Nah, he's just hoping if he keeps
himself occupied with an activity,
no one will actually talk to him.
[Myron] He's very good-looking.
Can I say that and not be awkward?
Uh, that's my whole point.
What about you and your wife?
How'd you two meet?
At a party.
We were in college.
We got hitched three years later.
That's it? No story?
The story came after.
Getting married. Life.
Building a home. Kids, grandkids.
It's okay.
I won't know the difference, I guess.
I just want those things for Sam.
- I have to hand it to you.
- What?
You are stubborn.
This might be the worst plan in the world,
but you're committed to it,
and I like that.
Yeah, well, don't be too impressed.
Hasn't worked yet.
I don't know about that.
Let me see that.
No, that's just the girl whose show it is.
[Myron] So?
[Abbie] So she's just doing this
as a favor to me.
- So?
- So, she's not his type.
[Abbie] Oh, no. Don't do the snorty laugh.
Ugh! He did the snorty laugh.
- Oh, he does that when he's...
- When he's nervous.
Estelle's hot chocolate.
It cures whatever ails you.
Except cancer.
To the things we do
for the people we love.
Mmm. Hits the spot.
[Benji] Dude.
I thought your friend said
he had a girlfriend.
He has.
Well, as long as he's up front about it
with everyone, right?
Oh, yeah.
Nah, he's definitely not.
Well, this was something.
Your... Your work is really specific.
Oh, wow.
That's the best you could do? "Specific"?
Oh, I didn't mean... You know,
I don't know anything about art.
I'm actually color-blind.
- It's black and white.
- Yeah, I'm just gonna shut up now.
No, it's okay. I know it's crap.
It's not crap.
It... I... You know, there's, uh,
this one with the face
that looks like a butt.
Oh, yeah. "Butt face."
- That's the title?
- No.
It's actually a self-portrait.
God, is that what you think I look like?
- Oh, God.
- Stop doing that.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
I know I shouldn't mess with you.
I know you and Abbie
are going through a lot right now.
Well, it's... it's actually nice
to talk about something else.
Donald F. Duck. What's his middle name?
How do you know that?
Because everybody knows that.
Well, good night.
Are you okay to get home?
I actually... I... I live upstairs
in... in a closet.
It's... Well, it's not a closet.
It's actually a huge bedroom
by New York standards,
but it's still a closet.
Okay, well, good night.
I just want to say, actually,
I know it's none of my business,
but you guys, you and Abbie, you're...
really inspiring.
Thank you.
What she's doing, it's...
To care about someone so much
that you would try and find a way
to take care of them and find
a path for them after they're gone...
I feel like if someone loved me like that
for like five minutes,
I would probably feel like the luckiest
person on the face of the planet.
I'm sorry, I... I got to go.
I'm sorry.
I know you're not really sleeping.
Because I know how your breathing sounds
when you sleep.
Which is something
you don't even know about yourself.
I know everything about you, Abbie.
But I have to say, you still know
how to shock the hell out of me.
What do you mean?
The clothes.
- The mixer.
- Sam...
For the record, I am not a dummy.
I know what's going on.
And I went along
with you trying to help me
because I know it's helping you.
But setting me up? Are you serious?
Please. You spend your life
talking about protons and neutrons.
- Neurons!
- Okay, okay.
Sam, most people don't find
what we had... have
once, much less twice in a lifetime.
What we have? You mean, a relationship
where one person is... is lying,
and sneaking around,
- and manipulating?
- It's for your own good!
You just tried to manipulate my life!
Or you mean a relationship
where you have such a low opinion of me,
that you truly believe that nobody else
on the planet would ever fall for me.
Obviously not. But that's the whole point!
You're gonna get swarmed,
and it's gonna be impossible
to find the right person!
I already found the right person!
Or I thought I had.
Abs, I didn't...
You know I didn't mean that.
Hey, come here.
Are you okay?
What is she thinking? Does she think
I'm completely clueless with women?
- Benji?
- No.
Yeah? No.
- Wait, what?
- I hate you.
I love you, though.
You just... You've never seen me in action.
Hmm. No.
No, I have never seen you in...
Actually, I don't...
I never want to see you
in action either, man.
You know what, actually?
Let me see your look.
Let me see your come hither look, man.
It's just like...
You know, let me see that.
Do it. Come on. Come on.
Throw a little hair in there.
- Well, like...
- [laughs]
Oh, God.
Uh, just stop, man.
I don't ever want to see that again.
I mean, it's just really upsetting.
Yeah, well, it's all pretty upsetting.
I know.
What do I do?
Look, all you can do is be there for her,
however you can.
I mean, look, she's got to be
scared out of her mind.
And right now, she just needs to know
that if the worst thing happens...
that you are gonna be okay.
What if I don't know if I'm gonna be okay?
Well, I guess, um...
you pretend.
You pretend.
[Sam sighs]
Are you ready to drop
this mishigas with Sam?
You think I should?
Here's what I know:
You don't have as much time
as you think you do.
- I don't?
- No.
- What are you trying to say?
- I'm not saying it, the Buddha did.
I didn't realize you were Buddhist.
I'm not, but it stuck with me.
And it's true for you.
It's true for every person on the planet.
[Myron] I need some snacks.
- Could you...
- Oh.
I can't believe you eat those things.
They're tasty.
The chemo has clearly destroyed
your taste buds.
Try one.
They're disgusting.
Keep going. You get to tasty.
- Just about 20 of these.
- Mm-hmm.
So there's ten for you and ten for me.
[Abbie] The second bite
is actually not as bad.
[Myron] Good for you, too.
who hikes.
In the future, if I ever did this again,
which I probably won't,
but if I did,
and if it makes you feel better to know,
it would be with someone who hikes.
- We never hike.
- Because you hate it.
That's not true.
We took that one hike up Bear Mountain
ten years ago,
you complained the entire time.
That's because hiking is boring.
It's basically walking.
And walking is something you do
to get somewhere.
Hiking from your car up a hill
and then back to your car
is totally pointless.
- Duly noted.
- Thank you.
What else?
- I like dancing.
- [scoffs]
I would like to try
ballroom dancing classes.
You know, like the fox-trot or the waltz,
even though...
- It's lame.
- I know you think it's lame.
- The fox-trot? Seriously?
- Yeah!
How about something
just moderately nerdy like swing.
Is this person for you or for me?
- Good.
- I get it.
I'll update your profile.
What profile?
This profile.
You're welcome.
- You've been pretending to be me?
- So...
Well, you know.
- So, Sam...
- Did I tell you you're sick?
Likes neutrons and...
- merengue.
- Neurons! Neurons!
Okay. What do you think of this picture?
You took a picture of me
while I was sleeping?
Mm-hmm. Oh, come on.
I worked really hard on this.
No? You want me to take another one?
- Yeah, let's take another one.
- Okay.
Okay, ready? Okay, come on.
- What?
- Smile.
Okay. What do you think?
- What do you think of that? Oh.
- That's good.
- Uh-huh.
- In black and white.
You want to... You want to add something?
Yeah. Um, maybe like, uh,
"It's what's inside that counts"?
[Sam] Are you coming to bed?
- [glass shatters]
- Oh.
[Sam] Abbie?
Abs, what is it?
It's broken.
- Oh, shit.
- It's broken.
It's okay. We can just...
We can get another one. It's fine.
No, we can't!
You gave it to me when we were kids.
[Jane] You've hardly touched your food.
You look thin.
Are you feeling all right?
I'm sorry. I'm just not hungry.
But I appreciate you visiting.
Well, of course I'm gonna visit.
I'm your mother.
You know, my, um,
my support group leader Shawna?
She's great.
And she says that there's a...
an intelligence to the universe and...
Wait. You're in a support group?
Yeah. You know, for parents of...
Well, anyway, um,
I was sharing with the group
what you were doing with Sam...
You know, for... for Sam.
And, um, they didn't think
it was a healthy coping strategy.
Yeah, well, I'm not healthy, so...
Come on, now. Don't be that way.
You know, miracles happen.
Okay, you have "cancer."
- It's not "cancer." It's cancer.
- Now, that is not what I meant.
And you don't like my "coping strategy"
because you'd rather live
in a "fantasy land"
than accept the fact
that I'm not gonna be here.
Well, how the hell
am I supposed to accept that?
Look, Mom, I get it.
You got a raw deal.
First Dad, way too soon, and now this.
And I'm sorry that I'm dying
and leaving you all alone.
And I'm sorry if I'm going about it
in a way that is not acceptable
to your support group,
but I don't believe
there's an intelligence to the universe.
I think the universe
is dumb and mean and wrong,
- and I am doing the very best I can...
- All right.
To make it and Sam
a little bit more all right.
- Ab... Abigail.
- Okay?
Come on. All right, don't do that.
Don't leave. Don't go.
Honey! Abbie!
So, I, um...
I found a service online
that can turn you into a tree
when you die.
You curl up in a little pod
and they put your body
in a fetal position,
and then they rest you inside of a tree.
Or... Or you can be part of a coral reef.
That's great. You can either be
worm food or fish food.
Well, you become part
of a larger ecosystem either way.
[Phil] No, no, no.
You don't become anything,
because you are dead.
Corpse. Dead. Mort! Yeah?
Your doily's ugly.
Mm. I...
I'm just trying to find
something positive here, Phil.
People need to relax.
- I don't want to relax!
- Okay.
I want to fight.
I want to fight,
and the way that I do that...
My process of doing that
is to maintain an upbeat attitude.
That is not natural.
That doesn't come naturally for me.
It's very hard. It takes a lot of work.
I have mantras. I have affirmations.
I have a theme song!
I sing my theme song wherever I go.
And if that makes me an asshole,
I'm sorry, Phil.
I don't give a rat's tit
because I am trying to survive here.
I'm trying to live!
I already forgot his name.
- [Meryl] Jim.
- [Kate] Jim.
His attitude was piss poor.
Look what happened to him.
You know who else's attitude
is piss poor?
[clicks tongue]
[Mitch] I don't know if that's helpful.
Can you sing your theme song?
Walkin' around
Walkin' on the street
Walkin' around the town, it's Kate
Crocheting roses
Crocheting roses
It has, like, eight verses,
but that's... that's the first stanza.
Your wig is pretty.
It's my hair, Meryl.
[gentle rock music]
Call me aside
And I will now be
And I will be fine with that
Don't leave me now
You might love me back
Distance is fine
I know you can't care
And nothing is big like that
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
One day I'll be fine with that
You don't leave me now
Do you love me back?
- It cost how much?
- I think it's pretty.
Well, it's a metal ring
with a shiny rock on top.
Women like them.
We needed that money for our future,
for your treatments.
- I'm taking it back.
- You can't! I have the receipt.
- I'm never giving it to anybody.
- You don't know that.
Yes, I do.
You could one day need a ring,
and then you'll have this one,
and you'll be grateful, and then...
When I do, do you really think I'd propose
with a ring you picked out?
Come on!
"Hey, new person, here you go.
This ring was personally selected
by my dead ex."
She'll love hearing that.
You're right.
I only meant...
This was our entire rainy day fund.
Sam, you've made your point.
[Myron] You can't stay mad at him forever.
He started it.
He freaked out over something
that wasn't even that big of a deal.
If it's no big deal, get over it.
I am over it.
I don't see why I have to be the one
to fix something
that wasn't even my fault.
What are we even looking at?
[Myron] For a hawk.
And why is this fun?
It's not, it's an obsession.
Speaking of obsession.
Just apologize and move on.
How can I?
You know, it's like they say,
when you get sick,
you really see what the people around you
are made of.
What if Sam and I
aren't right for each other after all?
What if we never were?
Me and Estelle had a fight once
lasted two years.
Nineteen-ninety to ninety-two.
- Over what?
- A couch.
Ugly, purple couch.
She wanted it. I didn't.
We put it in the living room,
and I was angry for two years.
- And then you got rid of it?
- No.
I got over myself.
Are you implying
I need to get over myself?
I'm saying it out loud.
Flat out.
You've loved and been loved.
You're one of the lucky ones.
Now you're gonna die.
That's it.
Why are you being like this?
I thought you were my friend.
I don't even give a shit about knitting.
- Crochet.
- Whatever!
The... The only reason I even went back
to yarn freaks anonymous all those times
was to see you.
- You shouldn't have done that.
- Why?
Why make friends
with somebody who's terminal?
But I'm glad you did.
Don't come back again
She won't talk to me.
She's... she's mad all the time.
It's like she's been replaced
by a lunatic.
You know, the more and more that you talk,
the more you sound like a crazy person.
- Give me another one.
- You know that?
- Hi.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Can I get you a drink?
- Let me buy you a drink.
- Sam, man, that's... Stop.
Hey, just ignore him.
He's... He's adorable,
but he's... he's not available.
- What are you doing?
- I'm very available.
- What are you doing, man?
- This is what she wants.
No, this is what she thinks
that she wants, man.
She's not thinking clearly.
You said it yourself
that she's acting like a lunatic.
Since when are you
the poster child for fidelity?
Aw, that's... that's real nice, man.
Yeah, I play the field.
I fuck around more than I should.
But guess what?
I would give it all up for one moment
of what you and Abbie have.
What we had, you mean.
Yeah, what do you know?
So, can I ask what that is?
Because it's... it comes in the same glass,
but it has a completely different color.
You know what, let me... Um...
- And you have it on ice.
- Hey, this is... These drinks are on me.
And, um...
- Enjoy this. Yeah.
- Where are you going?
- Have a great, great, great night.
- Why are you...
- It's like f...
- I've got other things to do.
Keep them coming.
[Mira] Oh, shit. He's here.
Hey. Hi.
I just, uh...
[sighs] I just...
Yeah. Okay.
[light guitar music]
Oh, my God.
[Sam] Abbie?
Abs, are you there?
Go away!
I just want to be on my own, okay?
I don't care what you want.
I'm done with whatever you want.
[Sam] You want me to be okay
after you're gone? Well, news flash.
I'm not gonna be okay, no matter
how much you try to push me away.
You can't make me okay without you.
What happened to you?
Well, I was... I was out with Benji.
I just talked to him.
He said he left you hours ago.
I was at Mira's.
The bad photographer.
She has cats.
- A... Abbie.
- It's none of my business.
- Of course it's your business.
- No... No, no, it's good.
It's actually a good thing
you're moving on.
- I mean, that's... that's...
- No, you don't mean that.
That's what I've been trying
to get you to do.
- You're a little ahead of schedule, but...
- It was nothing.
- Look at me. Look at me.
- Don't fucking touch me!
Come on. Just...
Abbie, let me in. I'm...
[door slams]
[dog barks]
[light guitar music]
Here, I thought maybe you'd
want to do some crafts.
You got this.
Up over there
While my heart is sinking
I do not want my voice
To go out into the air
Did you leave the darkness without me?
You're always miles ahead
[Dr. Kessler] I'm so sorry, Abbie.
We're just not seeing the results
we would like to see.
It's time for you to start focusing
on what your priorities might be,
find some things
you might like to do and...
who you want to be spending time with.
Abbie, is... is your husband here
with you today?
Oh, be my rest
And anyway, he's, uh...
not my husband.
Did you leave the darkness
Without me?
[Dominic] All right, Joe,
let's get you set up, okay?
Want to undo your buttons for me?
You got it right there.
All right, flex that arm. Good.
I got you a milk shake.
I put it by your chair.
I'm actually just checking out
of the treatment suite.
I really enjoyed my stay, but, um...
I don't think I'll be back.
Well, take care, all right?
And remember us on Yelp.
On the leaf-bright Friday drive
Sudden horses at the red light
And I realized, I've never really been
on my own, you know?
If I had a good day, tell Sam.
If I had a crappy day,
complain about it with Sam.
- Mm-hmm.
- [inhales]
[frustrated exhale]
You're going to want to gently, um,
pull the yarn back around
from... from front to back.
Maybe I missed out on something
being so bound up with him.
Maybe I missed out on a lot of things.
Maybe we're not supposed to be
so intensely bound up with one person...
- Okay, okay.
- Over such a long time anyway.
You know maybe life is about... about...
- Why... Why don't we untangle all this...
- [frustrated exhale]
and start...
Crocheting is not a metaphor!
I... I know. I'm... I...
- I was talking about needle work.
- I'm sorry.
You say it's a metaphor a lot.
I know I use it as a metaphor,
but I wasn't on this occasion.
Maybe you could do like a quote thing.
Where's Myron?
Where's Myron?
He left us.
[metal clatters]
Anybody know what this is?
I think it's a metaphor
for you being a terrible crochet teacher.
[doorbell buzzing]
Hi. Uh, are you Estelle?
I'm Abbie.
Come inside.
They're all sitting shiva.
There's all kinds of food,
but me, I'm sticking with the Scotch.
Yes, please.
what happened?
He'd been getting weaker
for a week or so.
Not eating, sleeping a lot of the time.
He was in pain,
but he didn't want to go to the hospital.
He wanted to be here at home,
just the two of us.
At the end, he looked at me
and smiled and said,
"I'll see you around."
And I know I will.
The last time I saw him,
he didn't mention anything.
I... I didn't know he was in pain.
- Why... Why wouldn't he tell me?
- Abbie.
It's not about you.
You know, Myron always said
you were a bit of a schmuck.
He did?
I thought we were friends.
Oh, you were.
He was friends with a lot of schmucks.
What else did he say?
Just that you got your head
so far up your ass
worrying about Sam
and what's gonna happen to him,
trying to control everything
and predict all the what ifs,
and you're missing out on the good part.
And what is that?
What is.
Do you want to meet the family?
Uh, thanks, but, uh...
I think I've got to go find Sam.
You... have a lovely home.
But I agree with Myron on the couch.
[both laugh]
[piano music]
- Abbie, I just... I-I...
- I have to...
- No, I want you to...
- No, wait. Let me.
I've had some bad luck recently.
Yeah, I know.
I thought if I planned
your whole future...
it wouldn't hurt so much
not to be a part of it.
But the truth is...
You'll be with whoever
you want to be with.
- No, I won't.
- Yes.
- No, I...
- Yes.
And... And... And I can't help it
if you lose your glasses
or your socks don't match.
I have to let you go.
I'm letting you go.
- What are you doing?
- Abbie.
[clears throat]
For as long as I can remember,
I've wanted to spend forever with you.
And I... I know we don't have forever,
but the truth is, nobody does.
I love you now.
I love you now.
I... I, um...
Just... Give me your hand.
Marry me.
You so wanted this ring for yourself.
- I did not!
- No?
- No!
- But it's your size.
So the cake.
Chocolate, hazelnut, or raspberry?
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Oh, yes.
- I do.
- [laughs]
[Sam] Look at that sun for us.
[Abbie] Mm-hmm. [laughs]
How do I look?
Like the most beautiful girl in the world.
The light of my entire life.
My baby.
Then let's take it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- We found a dress.
- This is the one.
- This is the one.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [laughs]
You're the boss.
Look, just FYI, this is not up to par
with my bachelor party standards, okay?
We should be rocking Vegas.
Well, this is more my speed.
That is very sad,
but that is actually true.
You're a lucky man.
Because you have me.
What do you think?
Too much?
So I was thinking,
we could put the bar over there
by the windows
and have the people sit here,
arrange the chairs,
and have the food at the table, of course.
And then speeches sort of happen here.
I'm trying to keep Benji from talking.
- Please God.
- Yeah.
And where will the dancing be?
Our first dance.
Well, I was thinking here.
It'll be tight, but...
you'll see.
It'll be great.
Show me now.
Come on.
Should we start with a fox-trot, maybe?
Or the merengue?
- I know, you think it's lame.
- Because it is lame.
- It's not lame.
- It's so lame.
You're really good at it. Right?
Turn a little.
[light music]
I know it's been so long
Since we saw each other last
I'm sure we'll find some way
To make the time pass
I really bit you.
Six stitches.
I can't believe you still have this.
Hey, Moon
I'll have it forever.
It's just you and me tonight
Everyone else is asleep
Hey, Moon
My old friend
Oh, hey, Moon
The night is coming to an end
Hey, Moon
Come back soon
[gentle music]
[Jane] Champagne? It's Abbie's favorite.
Would you have something stronger?
A Scotch, perhaps?
Oh. Absolutely.
We have everything.
You know that Maine is the only state
with one syllable?
Did you know that one cow
can make 400 hamburgers?
[Benji] Do you know how many people
have the same birthday as you?
[Melanie] No, but did you know
that fish can't blink?
Did you know everyone
has a unique tongue print?
Thank you all for coming.
I mean, I know it's weird
that we're all here.
But hey...
we have all this food, and liquor,
and three really big cakes, so...
You know.
And I... I didn't want to be alone.
I... I couldn't be alone tonight.
I wasn't sure if I was gonna open this,
if I was ready,
but I don't have any words of my own
right now, so...
And I... I'm sure we...
we'd all love to hear from her.
I would anyway.
"Sam, full disclosure:
I'm starting to have
a pretty strong feeling
that I might not make it to the big day.
So, yeah, you're probably on your own.
Sorry about that.
I guess this really gives new meaning
to the term cold feet."
[laughs] "Too soon?"
Too soon.
"So, why'd I go ahead
with planning it anyway?
Well, mostly I thought, no matter what,
you're probably gonna need a party."
"See, sometimes it's not so bad
to have someone plan for you a tiny bit."
"So, if you'll allow me,
just a few words of advice.
- Please try to stop worrying."
- [Abbie] Please try to stop worrying.
Have a little fun once in a while.
And keep up with the support group.
Maybe there's someone there for you.
Benji, continue to help Sam with his game,
but please don't ever leave him in a bar
late at night again.
We all know how that ends.
Estelle, I'll say hi
to that schmuck of yours.
We'll be checking out the hawks
from above now.
To the last group
I ever wanted to be a member of.
Crocheting is a metaphor for life.
It's really hard.
And one last thing.
"And one last thing."
[Abbie] The most important thing
I wanted to say.
"The most important thing
I wanted to say."
- [Abbie] To Sam.
"- To Sam."
[Abbie] Thank you.
I've loved you since the beginning.
I'll love you forever.
You have been
the greatest gift of my life.
You're gonna be okay, Sam.
I'll see you around.
Truth is,
I don't know how to say good-bye to Sam.
Because I don't want to say good-bye.
But this is how my story ends.
Too soon?
- Yeah.
- [Sam] Yeah.
Too soon.
[somber rock music]
Walkin' around
Walkin' on the street
Walkin' around the town, it's Kate
Crocheting roses
Crocheting roses
Smiling all the time
Smiling all the time
It's Kate
Crocheting roses
Crocheting roses
Riding the train
Riding the G train
Riding the G train all day long
It's Kate
Happy and high
High on life
High on life all the time
Smiling all the time, it's Kate
Crocheting roses
Crocheting roses
Crocheting roses
Crocheting roses
Crocheting the hell
Out of those damn roses, yeah
[delicate piano music]