Isla Monstro (2024) Movie Script

1
[thunder rumbling]
[dramatic music playing]
I took out
the communications tower.
You, uh,
triggered the nukes, right?
Ugh.
Come on,
just take the damn coin.
Just-- Come on, you stingy,
snack stealing son of a bitch!
Ooooh.
Hmm? What the hell is 'new gat'?
[male voice]
I think it's pronounced nougat.
If that helps.
Shit!
Yeah, I think I know how
to press a button, you dick.
It's done.
It, pow, blew up. It's gone.
We don't have any
more monsters, alright?
Would you like a nougat?
[woman] No, no, wait! Please!
[exciting music playing]
[vomiting]
Don't eat the--
[man] [horrible vomiting]
rockfish.
All right, folks,
feast your eyes on the most
terrifying, death defying,
unlicensed,
unbelievable and uninsured
magic act that you'll ever find
this side of
the seven Caribbeans.
Watch in wonder at
the never ending scarf.
Meet Flappo the magic bird.
-[squawking]
-Oh, shit. Seriously?
Ugh. Fucking... Goddammit.
Okay, this time I'm going to
introduce you to my
magic rabbit,
Mister Fuzzybottom!
[woman screams]
Get off the stage!
RABBIT!
Where the fuck is
the end of this thing?
What the shit, Duke?
Not again.
How many times do
we have to do this?
You are mistaking, madam,
for I am Duke the Daunting,
World-class magistrate.
All right, all right.
Get a move on, Harry Potter.
It's all part
of the show, folks.
Tip your waiters.
[man] This show blows!
Hey, fuck you, kid.
You know how many rabbits
you gotta kill
to become a magician?
Get! Move!
-I'm good, I'm good.
-Dude!
You've been fired from how many
jobs on this ship
and you keep showing up.
Hey, man. I'm good.
It's seven! Seven jobs.
And I can't
keep covering for you.
Come on, Casey.
That rabbit
trick kills every time.
Duke, I know you mean well, but,
dude, you gotta
get your shit together.
Hey, once we get to the
Dominican Republic, I'm gone.
I promise. Everything's great.
I've got a plan.
Yeah! Always
the man with the plan.
It's just too bad,
your plans are shit.
Last chance.
Last chance.
[muttering]
And on to the next.
-[phone ringing]
-And, cancel.
-Oh shit!
-Duke!
I'm sorry, but your number
is no longer in cervix.
So where the fuck is my money?
El Feo,
I had no idea it was you.
My name is Tony Alabama.
You know this! I'm
an infamous Miami drug dealer.
And you borrowed
$100,000 of my money
and have yet to pay it back.
I thought it was an El Feo?
Yeah, that was before
I discovered what that means.
Oh, but it's on
your business cards.
Elmira, you be quiet.
I thought it was Liliana?
I'm, I'm sorry, but I think
you have the wrong number.
Do I? Seriously? Luis?
Is this the right number?
He says it's wrong.
-What the fuck, man?
-[sighs]
Me, senor,
he is just messing with you.
We can see him on the satellite.
That's totally not me.
You have one week.
-Then we come for your legs!
-These legs?
Because that is what the
infamous Miami drug lords do.
Auf Wiedersehen.
But these are my favorite legs.
Okay. Man with the plan.
I just need to
get back 100 grand.
And then I-- AHHHH!
[muttering]
Oh--Where? Where am I?
Hello.
[vomiting]
I pulled you out of the ocean.
I thought you were--
[vomiting]
I'm Sam.
[vomiting]
Oh. That's gnarly.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
I haven't seen
you around this quadrant.
What the fuck is this?
Is this Heaven?
Oh, I hope not.
See, my heaven would
have more peanut butter cups.
We have a ton of MREs though.
Oh, Hell then. Yeah.
I'm in Hell.
Yeah, most probably.
There's no Reese's at all. So--
So...
Where did you come from?
It's okay.
Nothing to fear. I'm American.
But I'm American, too.
Yeah, you wish pal.
Wait. Are you a normo?
Who told you that?
I mean, you aren't a mutant?
From your shocked expression,
I can only assume
that you are a mutant?
I kid you not.
Everybody here
at Fort Montana is.
Fort-- Montana?
Oh, bitchin.
Hang on. I've got to show you
something
I've always wanted
to show someone.
Oh, shit.
Check out this bodacious,
state-of-the-art
viewing station.
Uh-huh.
Oh. Hello there.
I'm actor and gifted chef,
Vincent Price,
and I wanted to
welcome you to Fort Montana.
Located in the beautiful middle
of the United States of America-
occupied Caribbean.
Within these walls are contained
the most state-of-the-art
equipment known to man.
Have you heard
of the compact disc?
Oh, trust me, you will.
And it will never go away.
You hear me, God? Never!
When the hell was this recorded?
Shh! We're getting
to the awesome part.
An expansion of the military's
Stargate project
in conjunction with DARPA,
the scientists here have
successfully discovered ways
to enhance the human genome,
giving our straight,
pure blooded,
mostly male American
soldiers the significant edge
they need to slam those
Soviets right back to Siberia.
The future of warfare,
my friends, is in genetics.
[spooky cackle]
None of them were successful.
What is this place?
Well, he just
explained it. I'll rewind.
Might put a little wear
and tear on the old VHS, but--
Where'd he come from?
[suspenseful music playing]
Ah. Not again.
What's the safe word?
Field hockey? Shit!
Is it field hockey?
Whoa! Hey, it's all right.
Everything is fine. You're okay.
Hey spaz.
I just need you to stay still.
Oh. Finally, some normalcy.
I don't think
we've met. I'm Duke.
This'll only hurt for a minute.
Wait, what? WHAAAAAAAA!
It's true.
Whoa. That was intense.
What was your name again?
-Mistress what?
-Dyanna.
All right. Mistress Dyanna.
Just Dyanna.
My apologies, Mistress!
Told you he's a normo.
But we haven't
seen a normal in--
Well, I stopped
counting the years.
Yeah. Island of freaks.
No, norms got it anyway.
When's the next
ferry off this rock?
Ferry? No, I'm sorry to say,
we've all been stuck here.
No one's ever
gotten off the island.
Ha-ha. Ho-ho.
Is this a prank show?
Where's the camera?
Okay, you got me.
Was it Cliff?
You son of a bitch, Cliff!
You got me good, motherfucker.
Cliff isn't here, is he?
I don't think so.
Never heard of a Cliff.
Well, shit.
Shit.
So how is this place not leaked?
I can get naked pictures of
the Avengers with the click of
a button on my watch.
But I've never
heard of this place.
It was deemed
classified in 1980.
I don't think the government
like the idea of experimentation
on its own people getting out.
So they just left
you here for 40 years?
The project was deemed
a failure and abandoned.
Well, if everyone's got goofy
eyestalks sticking out of
their melons
-I'd have to agree.
-Burn.
Although one of us can see
his own asshole without looking
in the mirror.
But it wasn't a failure at all.
[loud horrifying bangs]
Well, except for that one.
That's definitely a failure.
Oh, yeah. Spawn of nightmares.
Have you ever heard
of a shambling mound?
What is that?
A punk band from England.
I don't dig Euro-punk.
So that's the story.
Now, the island is a refuge
for all the folks
that were enhanced here.
Completely cut off
from the outside world.
Completely?
Like, no internet even?
What's an internet?
I think I'm going to scream.
Cheerio, chaps.
Who's ready for
some afternoon tea?
SHIT! It's the shambling mound.
Not quite. That's Reggie,
and this is gonna get
really old really quick.
Uh, apologies for
the startle, my good man.
How many fucking
mutants are there?
Oh, 138 by
the last island census.
Wow. That's actually impressive.
You want to
actually meet some of them?
[upbeat Caribbean music playing]
-Whoa ho ho!
-Thanks for
getting together, gang.
I know we have some things
to discuss about the new normo.
-Like, it's true!
-And he's a man, I understand.
Has he mentioned
any affinity to dolphins?
I'm right here.
What do they call
your kind, weirdo?
Uh, Duke. And I'm pretty sure
I'm the only normal thing here.
-Yo, Duke.
-Welcome, Duke!
-So nice to meet you.
-Fuck off and die.
Anyway, he's going to be stuck
here on the island with us
forever as well.
-Choice.
-Rad!
-Welcome Duke!
-I call best friends!
Okay, thanks for that.
Can't wait to spend
eternity with everyone.
You're welcome.
So how come everyone else
on the island
looks like
a crazy freak? But you...
you turned out
like an OnlyFans model.
Nothing worked on Dyanna.
She didn't get
any special powers.
Powers? Like powers, powers?
Like, what can you guys do?
Like, besides, you know,
make somebody immediately vomit
from looking into your face.
I've got super strength.
Reggie, well,
he can breathe underwater.
Moon can shoot paralyzing
poison out of any orifice.
Midnight can--
Can destroy your self-esteem
with an incomparable
assault of sarcasm.
Well, then you're gonna love me.
We weren't always
this rank, you know.
We all actually
volunteered to be here.
I was a three time
gold-medal winning Olympian
and voted Britain's
sexiest man alive.
Who thought he could use
his skills to do little more
for this world?
I intended to be a Navy Seal,
but became an Army experiment
instead.
I ran the fitness program at
the fort
and wasn't going to see combat.
So, like I thought
this could be my shot
to make a difference.
I was an All-American
and could have gone pro, but
my old man was a vet
from a long line of vets.
He didn't see
any future in sports.
He just seemed to want
to cradle Rottweilers and
turn Siamese kittens--
Oh I'm sorry, wrong type of vet.
He just seemed to
believe in fighting.
So lame.
I was just a guy
who wanted serve his country.
I joined the Army
Video Department,
always hoping to be a journalist
in front of the camera.
Someone who wanted
to be all he could be,
but wasn't
allowed to be who he was.
It was either a court martial
or volunteer for the experiment.
You know,
they changed that in 2011.
No. Way.
Yeah. So go wild.
Loud and proud.
And what about
the baby shark over there?
My back story is
the darkest of dark.
The horrors that could emerge
from the tragedy of my memories
would instantly annihilate
any hope you have left
for existence.
-Best not to ask.
-It gets her wonky.
Unless you have razor blades
and a bathtub nearby, she's--
Just take a chill pill,
Midnight.
What happened?
Did I black out again?
-And what about you, Duke?
-What, me?
Incredible life.
Couldn't have asked for...
anything more.
Hey, everyone!
Who's ready for some magic?
[man]
This hotel is going to give you
the life you deserve, Dookie.
[woman] Oh, I just can't believe
our dreams of managing a
tropical resort have come true.
[man] Like I always say,
with a little spit and polish,
anything is probable.
[woman] Oh, I love both of you.
[man] And I love you too,
my flamingo flower.
[woman] Now nothing can
stand in our way.
[ominous bell]
[man] It's okay, son.
We'll get through this.
Yeah! You know,
definitely living my best life.
Until getting marooned on
the island of Doctor Moreau,
of course.
Welcome, Duke.
Any who... sounds like
Old Glory really took
a shit on your future.
Oh, you have no idea.
That's a bummer.
Oh, Dyanna, I just wanted
to update you, that I collected
the scattered Spanish gold
from the debris field
back into the galleon.
-Gold?
-Yeah.
Recovering lost Spanish gold
from sunken treasure ships
is one of my hobbies.
I also like racquetball.
How much gold are we talking?
I've collected at least a few
hundred bars, give or take.
So you're telling me
you got 138 unemployed workers,
dozens of empty rooms,
a beautiful,
untouched tropical paradise,
and a mountain of pirate gold.
Yeah, but it's not
all from the pirates.
Okay, okay, so hear me out.
I have a crazy idea.
There might be a way to
reintroduce you to
the modern world
and also get back at the
government for fucking you over.
Hey, space cadet.
We don't even know you.
Let's turn the island
into an ultra exclusive,
luxury resort
getaway destination.
-Yes!
-No.
-What?
We already told you there is
no way to communicate
with the outside world.
Oh, yes, there is.
With this.
That tiny square?
Are you sure
you're licensed for that?
Yeah. It's just like
hot wiring PeePaw's Chevelle.
But, I don't think
those two things are the same.
Dude, trust me.
I worked at Radio Shack
for a whole half a summer.
Oh, they must be huge now.
Oh, who's this new gallivant?
Holy shit!
This is Doctor Oculus.
Pretty much the only scientist
that's still on the island.
What, does he like
see in VR or something?
VR? VR, VR, VR, VR--
Oh, come on!
VR as a concept has been around
since the 19th century, genius.
And fuck my asshole,
he can talk?
I can do a lot more than that.
Well, probably not
fucking the asshole part.
No, no, that would
be physically improbable.
What are you doing with the
communication tower's wiring?
Well, Mike Wazowski,
I'm about to bring this island
into the 21st century.
-[zapping]
-Shit!
[satellite beeping]
[doors unlocking]
[doors locking]
And now back to Halloween 2.
Not to be confused
with Halloween 2, 1981
or Halloween 2, 2018.
What the fuck is happening?
Ha ha!
Fuck you, Mr. Bjorklund's
11th grade physics class.
-What did you do?
-Oh, It's radical.
I connected us to
the biggest modern weapon,
communication tool,
and aphrodisiac known
to man and mutant kind:
the internet.
Hey, Midnight.
Did you feel that?
I don't feel anything. Ever.
So what's your take on
turning the fort into a resort?
I have a bad
feeling about it.
-Really?
-I have a bad
feeling about everything.
I thought you just said
you don't feel anything ever?
You still owe
me $13 in late fees.
Like I've said before,
we don't really have any money
on the island.
Rain check then. Got it.
I'm guessing you want me
to say something insightful?
I just... It's strange.
Dyanna, you live on
an abandoned island
of hideous mutant creatures
and you think this is strange?
After 40 years of surviving
without the outside world?
I guess so. Yeah.
You're basically
the fort's surrogate mother.
I'm sure you'll do whatever's
best for everyone or whatever.
-You always do.
-Oh Midnight.
I think that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
-And the last.
Now get out. We're closing.
-Oh, okay.
Not like I'm watching
adult films and touching myself
in here after hours or anything.
I don't judge--
Because sharks
don't have vaginas.
That's really
too much information.
We still secrete squalene,
of course, but--
Hey, I got run but, good talk.
And back to Midnight time.
All right.
Only one more thing to do.
-What's that?
-Marketing.
Well, if the island's
going to be a resort,
shouldn't we like,
you know,
fix it up or something?
-Excuse me a what?
-Shit. You're right.
-Round up the muties.
-A what?
At least hire a cleaning lady.
One of those
topless ones from California.
Alright, so this is
the motley crew
that's going to manage
the best resort
in the Caribbean, huh?
I mean, we're
not trained for that.
Well, we were
actually about to discuss--
What's there to discuss?
Well, this
island is a democracy.
Democracy still exists
in the world, right?
Maybe in France.
Okay, so then
let's put it to a vote.
Whoever wants to keep the island
a safe refuge from
the outside world,
raise your hand.
Okay. Then, uh,
who wants to turn this rundown
shit stain into the biggest
party destination on the planet,
with as much sex and drugs
and rock and roll as
we can physically muster?
I think it's pretty obvious
we want things to stay the same.
Come on, gang.
You have no idea how
incredible the modern world is.
-I don't know.
-It's mental.
It's fucking warped, man.
Today, everybody's
super into fitness.
Like, all the time.
There's a dozen TV
channels dedicated to it 24/7.
Like, no way.
With the world
connected by video
YouTube can turn
anyone into a star overnight.
Well, where do I sign?
And not to mention--
Who are you?
-Everybody knows I'm Pete.
-Of course you are.
Short for Peter.
Except on my birth
certificate it just said "Pete."
They thought
Peter was a dirty word.
With 3D printers,
Impossible burgers,
birth control patches,
cryptocurrency,
multi-use rockets,
tokenization, e-cigarettes,
and free pornography
that can beam any time into
the palm of your hand for free,
the future
you were promised is here.
Now, won't you join me?
Uh, I want to change my vote.
I don't have any hands.
It looks like democracy rules.
Oh, I don't know about this.
Sweetie, I need this big time.
I haven't had a lay in years.
And that was only
because kobudai Kathryn
changed sexes one night
and got confused.
-Ouch.
-Yeah, her husband was pissed.
I get it.
But the outside
world can be so harsh.
They don't like what
they can't understand.
Hey, maybe things have
changed in four decades.
I'm sure the world's
gotten much more accepting.
Don't be a spaz.
The future awaits.
Okay. Time to get to work.
Sam, your first job is security.
Making sure everyone
visiting is safe and secure.
This island is literally
the most dangerous
place on Earth.
I mean, if anyone even smelled
some of these experiments.
I know you'll be great.
And you? What skills
do you bring to the table again?
My name is Moon,
and fitness is my specialty.
Gift shop duty it is.
Barry Masterson, sir.
I used to run the news
department here on the base.
I'd be happy to help
in front of the camera.
Okay, okay,
calm your blowhole, Masterson.
I'm sure we can
find a 'porpoise' for you.
I've never heard that one, sir.
Thank you.
This is taking too long.
All right.
We'll find jobs for
the rest of you soon enough.
Oh, wait. What about me?
I have four PhDs and--
Listen, Doc Ock, TBH,
you gotta stay out of sight.
If a guest saw
a giant floating eyeball,
it's gonna freak him out.
So it'll be hard enough getting
him to look at Reggie over here.
I beg your pardon?
So just hang back and we'll let
you know when we need
a giant, horrifying,
fucked up eyeball thingy. Okay?
No place for Oculus, you say?
Well, I'll stay
out of sight, all right.
Back to the lab for me.
No room for Oculus. Ha!
They did this to me.
Then they left me here to rot.
Well, maybe it's
time to make some room
for Oculus.
Yes.
Get ready for the fist
in the ass of science.
[laughing evilly]
All right,
let's get this place into shape.
Are you on board now?
If this is what gets us
back into the world for sure,
I think
everyone else is into it.
I'm ready to get off
this fucking island.
Perfect.
Okay, so use
this magic typewriter
to type in the parts you need
to fix the plane.
It's a Grumman Shin
Meiwa ASR 544-4
So I highly doubt your little
typewriter there
is going to be able to find
anything, let alone something
we can actually use.
366 results.
Awesome! I knew we could do it.
That's radical, man.
Hey, why we're doing this
let's fix the boat too.
Eh, go to town.
I'd love to go to town,
but I'd need the boat.
I know I look like a fish,
but I don't swim.
The universe
would literally cease
to exist without me.
Oh!Oh, shit.
Oh, don't inhale.
Don't inhale. Don't--
Oh, fuck it.
You stay here,
and that way they'll blame you.
Where would you like these?
I'm a little
busy right now, Reggie.
[Reggie] 50. 50 shades?
My God. 50 shades?
That's a lot of shades of gray.
I commissioned an artist
to make a bunch of, like,
original shit to
hang in the hotel.
Oh, really? Who was it?
Not a person, that's ridiculous.
Art today is all created by A.I.
Artificial Intelligence.
Choice.
So breathtaking.
Mopping the floor.
[horrifying monster sounds]
Nope.
-Isla Monstro, huh?
-It has a sweet ring.
I don't think that's
grammatically correct.
Nobody cares
about that shit anymore.
Finally,
a downside to the modern world.
What did you expect
the grammar Nazis to take over?
Not after we kicked
their ass in World War II.
Huh?
I gathered everyone
like you asked.
That's literally three people.
And? Three is a number.
All right. Plans are
coming along swimmingly.
That is not a pun.
Sounded punny to me.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Super punny.
Rooms have been set up.
The gift shop is stocked.
We have enough booze to
drown a third world country.
Anybody have an update
on the 13th floor renovation?
-We don't have a 13th floor.
-Oh. Superstitious?
No, it was destroyed
in one of Doctor Oculus'
rogue experiments.
Bummer.
That loses us an extra
40 potentially sold rooms.
And where's
that floating eyesore, anyways?
Death to all land breathers!
[maniacal laughing]
He said he was busy.
Oh, who knows what
a giant eye does, you know?
Okay, so there's one
last major thing to do.
We need to go... viral.
I mopped
the pathogen lab this morning,
I swear!
[upbeat music playing]
Nope. Fuck off.
Nailed it.
Well, I have to say,
the place hasn't looked better.
And everyone
seems pretty clutch.
Now we snort some
fucking margaritas
and sunbathe in the non-cancer
causing rays of success.
Okay.
Time to get weird.
[music continues]
Get your ass
down to Isla Monstro
the latest and greatest
Caribbean getaway
island resort.
Just left of
the Bermuda Triangle.
The rooms are lit and
reservations are on fire!
But not literally.
We have watersports too.
Reggie! GT fuck O!
-I'm Tilda Topper.
-And I'm Ben Bottomsmouth.
And coming up next,
Isla Monstro,
the latest Caribbean getaway run
by abandoned government mutants.
But first, our top story.
Skorts. Are they back or what?
Oh. Hmm. Wow.
God bless America.
-Honey.
-What is it, sugar britches?
Look at this crazy thing.
There's, like, an island
with fish people and shit.
Oh my God. Uh...
Hey, Dad.
You want to catch some Pokemon?
Maybe later, son.
God bless America.
-[grunting]
-[horrific bone breaking sounds]
Well, I think we should visit.
Move, please. Thank you.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Get the fuck out
of my way, Sharon!
Shit.
Enter
General Dregg?
I don't have time
for how many Pokemon
you caught today, Sergeant?
No, sir. This is important.
What the fuck could be
more important than Pokemon?
-We have watersports too.
-Reggie, GT fuck O!
You sure this isn't HBO Max?
They have some saucy
content on there, you know.
No, sir. Satellite imagery
confirms it's Fort Montana.
Poppycock.
The sign says Isla Monstro.
Intelligence believes they may
have just covered up
the original sign.
Well it's obviously
these damn millennials
and their deep faking videos.
I saw myself online yesterday
taking a shit on
Theodore Roosevelt's mustache.
That's terrible, sir.
I've never even
met that asshole.
Plus, you know
how many cans of prunes
it would take for me
to create a proper stool?
Oooh! Seven, sir.
-My man.
-Mr. President,
this is a major situation.
Fort Montana was supposed
to have been imploded in 1981
due to the failed
DARPA super soldier experiment.
Doesn't ring a bell.
It was highly classified.
Only a handful of people
still alive knew about it.
And how would you know that,
General Dregg?
Because he was there.
He oversaw the project.
Say what?
This is all his fault.
Lock him up.
Yes sir, I was stationed there
40 years ago
as a major
overseeing the experiments.
It was ancient aliens.
Wasn't it?
No, sir.
Just good old
American ingenuity.
By cracking the human genome,
our scientists were tasked
with creating human
hybrid weapons of the future
that would help us crush the
Ruskies during the Cold War.
They watched
"Humanoids From The Deep"
and got inspired to turn
the USA's best
and brightest into fish people.
That is
a classic chunk of cinema.
After many failed
attempts and horrific mutations,
President Reagan
decided to terminate the project
and focus the funds on
his veggie ketchup campaign
against school children.
This is a little more
information than I'm comfortable
receiving at one time.
Speaking of ketchup,
Have the kitchen send up
some of them freedom fries?
Kickstand is requesting
delivery of a full communion.
Again.
Well, sir, if the information
gets out,
it will show how the US
military experimented
on our own citizens
and let them for dead
in the Caribbean.
Can we blame
it on pirates? Hippies?
Ja Rule?
That's most
likely a negative, sir.
Well, lucky it isn't leaked yet.
It's up to 47 million views,
Mr. President.
Oh. My wife just texted me.
She booked a trip
there for our 13th anniversary.
Sweet!
Well, shit, General, will
you do your country a solid?
Get down there.
Sweep this island under the red,
white, and blue rug.
Hee hee!
You know how we do it.
Yes, Mr. President. I'm on it.
Great idea, sir.
Make General Dregg
clean up his mess.
Colonel Ferguson,
you will accompany him.
What? Why?
Because they have a 10% off
coupon for newlywed couples.
But, sir, the two of us don't--
It's settled.
And grab some Caribbean
gut grenades while you're there.
Those really help
clean out the lower extremities
You know what
I'm saying? 'Murica!
Okay, is everybody ready?
It's opening day.
Oh, I feel like
I was born for this.
Wait.
What am I doing again? Exactly?
Bellhop. Slash security.
Slash custodial.
Yes, whatever that is.
Where's Duke?
Watersports.
Ah! Jolly good.
Hah! Classic.
Hey, Duke.
Uh, I'm a little busy right now.
I think everything's
ready for the opening.
Uh huh.
Hey, these are good people.
You've got their backs, right?
Of course.
All right.
I just wanted to make sure.
These folks have
had their whole lives
taken from them, you know?
And now we're
giving them a second chance.
You're right.
Time to get back in the world.
What could possibly go wrong?
How long do I have to do this?
Forever.
Senor El Feo,
I mean, Alabama.
There is
something you need to see.
-[steel drum music playing]
-[growling]
Oh!
Jesus Christo, Luis!
I told you I cannot
watch scary movies!
I'm not scared.
Keep watching.
Oh, I swear to you,
if a gato jumps at me,
you get a bullet
in the man parts.
So swing by Isla Monstro.
Two for one tacos on Fridays.
I think it's Tuesdays.
Taco Tuesdays.
Friday is fuck off Friday.
So dingy Duke thinks
he can hide from us, eh?
Oh, yeah, I think so.
Well, looks like you get to
go on a vacation, Luis.
-Can I go too?
-NEIN! You keep the rubbing.
Oh, I should
have stayed in Vienna.
Right this way, folks
to Isla Monstro.
Where everybody is first class.
Fuck, yeah!
Holy shit. Don't eat me, okay.
[laughs] Oh, Rodrick.
I'm gonna eat him.
I'm gonna fry that motherfucker.
His chest looks delicious.
Oh, come on,
I gotta see with those, man!
I appreciate you taking account
that I don't have eyelids.
So that was like
the light of a thousand suns.
Hello, everybody,
this is your captain speaking.
So this bird's decommissioned
and not quite up to
current FAA regulations.
So you know, just try
and kick back, relax,
and remember why you're here
for the adventure.
We're gonna
totally die, aren't we?
Lacy, I'm pretty sure
a deformed, half man
fish creature,
flying an outdated airplane
to the Bermuda Triangle
knows exactly what he's doing.
Oh, Rodrick!
If you have any family members
who are still speaking to you,
you might want to call them.
Hey there! Hi! Welcome. Hi.
How are you?
Ooh. Love that hat, sir.
Great shirt, lady.
Are those calves real?
I can't remember ever seeing
this many normos in one place.
I'd imagine every day
when you look in the mirror.
-How do you mean?
-Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah,
cause you're normal, silly.
Me? Oh hello! Welcome. Yes, yes.
Oh, check-ins right this way.
I'm really not.
Uh, I think you need
to buck up, buttercup.
I mean, you're definitely
the most normal person on
this island.
Well, except for me
and all these people.
-You really think?
-Listen, now it's time to work.
This place isn't going
to assistant manage itself.
Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
Who's ready to jazzercise?
All right.
Make sure to
keep your knees loose.
And none of you are
allergic to radiation, right?
Right.
Today we're starting
with the butterfly stroke.
No, that's a real stroke.
Oh, wow. A video store.
I've heard tales
of these from my PeePaw.
-Who the fuck let you in here?
-Hello there.
Do you happen to have a copy of
"My Best Friend's Wedding"?
-No.
-"Little Fockers"?
-No.
-"Speed 2: Cruise Control"?
What's wrong with you?
[humming]
Here you go, homeboy.
Bottoms up.
Mmm, yummy.
Oh what!
The fuck?
Hydro... Oh shit.
That's hydrochloric acid.
That's not mezcal. [laughs]
My bad. My bad, folks.
Hey, open seat at the bar.
Fort Montana was
decommissioned in 1981,
leaving the island completely
cut off from the outside world--
Oh, shit. My apologies.
Here, we can take a shortcut
through the radiation station.
[sexy sounds]
Well, I think that was
a pretty bodacious first day.
Right, gang?
I'm quite the jammy and only had
six people faint in my presence.
Oh, so bad to the bone.
Well, our interweb Yelp reviews
have been overwhelmingly
positive.
And on this incident report,
we had two people die.
Three found unconscious
due to toxic fumes,
and one person was overserved.
Hey, hey. I'm...
You see? I've seen you.
-Where? Where youse?
-We're right here.
Hey hey hey hey, listen.
Hey, listen.
Hey, Sam. Sam! Sam.
-[sniffs]
-You had one of these?
From the scent, I'd say it's
a mixture of rohypnol,
ethyl hexanate guaiacol,
and [sniffs] Mellow Yellow.
More like hello, mellow.
I'm drunk.
Flanagan, you son of a bitch.
He makes good shit.
Who's having fun?
Well, here's to tomorrow.
I caught some of
your jazzercise class today.
As a teacher,
you're the bee's knees.
Like, you should
join in sometime.
I didn't want to
scare away your students.
Reggie, my hands emit
a heinous stinging toxin
that's deadly to humans.
Like I can't even pleasure
myself without feeling pain.
I highly doubt
they'd be scared of you.
Gobsmacked.
Oh my God, we made it.
Welcome off-board, folks.
Now, remember
to tip your waiters
and try not to bump into anybody
with spines.
They're most likely poisonous.
I'm not sure these civilian
ensembles were the best choice.
The Department of Tourism said
they would help us blend
in better.
I'm fairly confident "party"
is misspelled on your shirt.
Oh, look at that shirt.
Party!
Ugh. What a shithole.
I don't think we're
supposed to be in here.
Come on, Lacy, this pill
only last another 30 minutes.
Here, this will do.
[unlocking]
This look safe. In here.
Oh, great mood lighting.
Quick, take off your pants.
I'll go set up the camera.
Don't you think
this is a little creepy?
This is creepy?
Braizen Rump,
you know that our OnlyFans tip
the most when we fuck in an
abandoned government facility.
Especially one
below the equator.
Rodrick, I think--
Remember what Maverick says.
Don't think. Just do.
Now, do me.
-Behind you!
-No, no, no.
You pegged me first last time.
[scream]
[locking]
[screams]
Sam, I told you,
we need to take care of these
ghost crabs on the sixth floor.
I can't handle
another complaint.
Okay, I'll get on it.
He's dead! He's dead!
Yes. David Bowie's dead.
Thank you for reminding us.
Just twist the knife.
-Holy shit.
David Bowie's dead?
-Yeah, he croaked a while back.
Oh, I really thought
he was going to take off.
I mean, two
different colored eyes.
The first husky rock star.
I mean--
Nah, he never
really got a foothold.
Anyway, ghost crabs!
Take care of it.
Oh, my. Cheerio, Moon.
You come here often?
Every day at 2 p.m...
You know, I get front desk duty.
I, I did.
Well.
Anyway, I'm going
to, uh, go, um...
see a man about a dog.
Totally.
Pip pip.
Whoa, pally. Where's the fire?
C wing! I'm on it! Make a hole!
My apologies, Duke.
Actually, I did have a query.
If you had a moment.
Kind of busy right now.
Apologies. I've come over
a little peculiar,
but it has to do with,
uh, female relations.
Oh, holy shit. Dude.
You've come to the right guy.
Come here. Step into my office.
-That'll be--
-On the house?
-Employee discount.
-Whatever.
Thanks, you crusty crustacean.
Okay, tell me everything.
Well, there isn't much to tell.
Never mind, never mind.
Just the butt stuff.
Tell me about the butt stuff.
I beg your pardon?
This is a dishy lady
we're referring to.
Right, right, of course.
You want to develop
a relationship.
You know, I get it.
So you want to know,
how to get to the butt stuff?
At this moment, I really just
want to be able to talk to her.
I mean, take a gander at me.
-It is a challenge.
-Exactly.
What incredible female creature
would want to go out with...
this?
Reggie, look, man,
you're getting it all wrong.
Here. Each of
you pop one of these.
Chase it with a rum runner,
and you'll be in a relationship
in no time.
Is this some kind of drug?
Because I say nope.
Drugs? No. Nah, man, it's more
of a love potion in pill form.
It's a little thing
that kids today call ecstasy.
Hey, who's got
future tech here, right?
It's modern. Totally legal.
Bone dry over here. Sebastian.
Hey, fuckface.
It can't remember my name,
you're cut off.
Oh, bite me, Mr. Krabs.
He's, he's,
he's not serious, right?
He's always serious.
Well, here's your room,
Mr. and Mr.--
Smyth?
Hey, uh, we're not
what you think we are.
Human? Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.
This is insanity.
You heard what the President
said. It's a delicate situation.
We can't let the public
know what we're doing.
With all due respect,
what a shit show, General.
How could this happen?
Colonel, we need to let you in
on a bit of
classified information
that no one
but myself and a handful
of tight lipped scientists know.
But the briefing said
that none of the mutant
experiments were a success.
The briefing is a lie.
This is the real reason
we're here. With this
ultimate super soldier,
it would ensure
the United States
global military dominance
for years to come.
We would be unstoppable.
We could finally win back the
yo-yo-ing world championship.
That might be a stretch.
So which mutant is it?
I'm not sure.
We originally kept it in the
lowest level of the facility.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Brunch.
Unlimited mimosas in 15 minutes.
I just wanted to
make sure you were aware.
-Get out.
-Gotta motor!
Hey, Midnight.
We're closed.
-The sign says open.
-We have a sign.
Hey, you've had
boyfriends before, right?
Oh, fuck me swimming.
Like there's this guy
that I think is into me,
and I'm totally into him,
but I'm just not sure how to--
Get him to fuck you in
the middle of a graveyard
on the summer solstice.
Uh, um, the island doesn't
have a graveyard, so...
Modern men,
I've been discovering,
they don't want a girl
who's playing hard to get.
I was just thinking,
like a stellar picnic
on the beach to start.
They want an easy score.
They want Ms. Pac-Man
without the ghosts.
So, like a bunch of white dots?
No. The cherry,
they just want the cherry.
You should see
how modern women dress.
You got to read this
Instant-gram computer magazine.
It's like clothing has
become a rarity in the future.
That sounds mental.
No, it's the new normal.
You start at the top floors
and I'll head to the bottom.
Well God knows what they've
done to this place in 40 years.
It could be anywhere.
There's over 100 experiments
listed on the island manifest.
We're looking for the final one.
Number 138.
See you in the middle.
[laughing]
Like I'd let you find it first,
you fucking rat.
Oooh, find what first?
Get the fuck out of my face
before I give you a court
martial, soldier!
Sir. Yes, sir.
One successful experiment. Hmm.
How's things here?
I've gotten a few complaints
about the Reggie bobbleheads
turning children's
tongues black.
Oh, yeah. Those are pure lead.
They shouldn't be ingested.
We need to talk about this.
We have a first aid kit...
somewhere.
Oh, fuck.
What are you doing down there?
Uh, I saw a spider?
-Is that a question?
-Shush!
Excuse me, senorita,
I am looking for...
That!
That idioto!
And here I thought this
was going to be difficult, yeah?
Oh, Duke,
what do you need him for?
He's going to die tonight.
Okay. And why is that?
He is a bad man.
He has hurt many
little babies and stuff.
-Babies?
-No, I fucking didn't!
And, and like the grandmas,
he steals their pants
and is a bad man.
Oh, pants stealer, you say?
Or panties.
My English not as good.
I am obviously
Hispanic drug runner from Miami.
Unless
you do not want me
to be this. Yeah?
Uh huh. Is there anything else
I can do to make
your stay more comfortable?
You let me know if
you see our Mr. Duke, yes?
Of course, sir.
Danke, Fraulein.
They found me.
I don't know how,
but they found me.
Dude. Duke, your TikTok
keg standing
on that horseshoe crab
is up to 20 million views!
Keg stand! Whooo!
Get the fuck down!
I don't know how,
but they found me.
-Who? Who?
-Who do you think? The Cubans.
Who I think are
actually Austrian
and pretending to be Cuban
because they saw Scarface
one too many times.
Anyway, I gotta hide.
Oh. So tough.
Hello.
I am very busy. Please go away.
Hey, hey. Sorry to bother,
but I had a quick query.
What on the street is,
there is a mutant on the island
who is fully successful.
Is that true?
Yes, of course.
They are glorious.
-Really?
-Yes.
They go by
the moniker Doctor Oculus
and the world will tremble upon
the utterance of their name.
Wait a minute. Isn't that you?
Yeah. The perfect mutant.
But you're a horrifying floating
eyeball. I can't imagine--
I am perfection.
And the world will--
I'm gonna check
with somebody else.
I am all seeing.
And he's gone. Fuck!
They will all bathe in the blood
of their insolence.
Fucking assholes.
Whoa!
Deja vu?
Jackpot!
Shit!
Hey, have you seen any
ghost crabs come through here?
What!
Oh, ugly little spud, isn't he?
It's a crab, not a potato.
[screaming]
You're hiding here too?
Damn it!
Stop teleporting or whatever
mutant shit you're doing.
I don't have that ability.
Sorry. Got to talk
to Tabitha in D wing.
Whoa. Somebody
can actually do that?
Maybe. Wait.
What are you hiding from?
Listen, I may or may not owe
a large sum of money to
a South Florida drug lord. So--
Oh, well, I'm hiding
from this guy in C block
that keeps asking me to
fold his towel into a tarantula.
I just don't have that power.
-Oh.
-But yours sounds more pressing.
I gotta get off this rock.
Oh, like a day trip.
Well, I know where they keep
the keys to the Pegasus.
You keep keys to a flying horse?
No, it's not a horse.
But it can fly.
You think one could fit what,
two, 250 gold bars on
this thing before it sinks?
Maybe. So tell me more
about the modern world.
Are there flying cars?
What about robots?
I'm guessing half the population
are robots now, right?
You know, growing up,
there was always this idea
of the American dream
where if you tried hard enough,
you could make it happen.
And trust me,
I've tried and tried.
Well, let me tell you a lesson
the future has taught me.
It's bullshit.
It can't be all bad.
America doesn't care
about me or you especially.
Leaving you on an island to rot.
That's just fucked up.
But today we've got
politicians funded by firearms,
impossible living wages,
kids killing kids
and we're a joke to
the rest of the world.
There's no more American dream.
It's a goddamn nightmare.
Living here for 40 years, I
I think I've always had a little
inkling of hope that they would
come back for us.
Trust me, you all
think you're all failures,
well join the club.
I failed at pretty much
everything I've ever
tried to do.
Nah, bro.
America isn't coming for anyone.
But you did.
What are you talking about?
You came here.
You brought us
back to the world.
That was an accident.
Yeah, well,
they say I'm an accident, too.
How about that?
Anyway, we should get back.
You got to referee the topless
chicken fighting in the pool
at eight.
I just wanted to
make a difference.
You know?
Sam, you are changing the world
one topless
chicken fight at a time.
Here, grab a selfie.
Let's remember this
beautiful moment forever.
I don't know what that is.
Use the phone like a camera.
Take a picture.
No, no, no, no.
That's a live stream.
Jesus, nevermind.
Sorry. Technology
and I don't mix well.
I can see that.
Like hot sauce and handjobs.
-Huh?
-Anyway, how about
you get your beautiful
snail ass behind that wheel?
I have no clue how
to drive this thing.
Aye aye, captain.
Oh, okay.
Now, this looks like a place
to hide classified information.
Hello? Anyone home?
[horrible
Shambling Mound sounds]
AHHH!
Ahh ha ha ha ha!
Damn savages.
Don't even know how to set up
a proper paintball course.
Found you.
And now no one
will ever need to know. Ooh!
Oh, it's such a shame
that a mutant went crazy
and killed the poor General.
What? Mr. POTUS?
There's a new
open General position?
What an honor, sir.
Found you.
What the fuck?
No way.
Hello.
This area is
off limits, civilian!
No problemo, American.
I am just,
watching for this man.
You have seen?
Never in my life.
But have you seen this person?
Oh, yeah.
That chica was
running the gift shop upstairs.
Oh, really?
How would you like to do a solid
for the United States
of America, son?
I'm sort of, a Cuban. So...
You're sort of Cuban?
Well
technically Austrian, but...
There might be
money in it for you.
Sir, I come from
a neutral country.
With universal health care,
education,
and Vienna has topped the list
of most livable cities
in the world
for ten years straight.
No amount of money
could possibly ever--
I'll get you your guy.
Well, now you're talking to me,
baby, that I like.
Keep it coming.
So, how did today go?
I only had one person
go into cardiac arrest
during jazzercise.
She was 86.
She had a good run. Next.
Someone stole my only copy
of the Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
So I planned to burn down
each floor of the building
until I find it.
Sounds reasonable.
Dyanna, what about you?
I thought I saw a ghost.
Holy shit!
We got ghosts here, too?
Just ghost crabs,
which I have at least a dozen
trapped in a containment unit
in F wing.
No, I just thought I saw someone
I hadn't seen in a long time.
You know, I've got everyone
else's story here but yours.
Me? My story
isn't very exciting.
Come on,
you had to have been someone?
I was a nobody.
Just a master sergeant assigned
to the island
and wanting to
serve her country.
And the experiments
on you didn't work?
Nope. Nothing worked.
Weren't they trying to mutate
you with a barracuda
or something?
I was actually slated to lead
the platoon, but at the time,
the army just couldn't
see a woman in charge.
-That's dumb.
-I agree.
So just like everyone else,
I was deemed a failure as well.
I was the last subject
that shuttered the program.
Yeah, I had plans, goals, ideas.
But to be honest,
I pretty much failed at
everything I've ever done too.
So I'm just trying to catch
a break like everyone else.
American dream!
Well, you're in the right place.
Welcome to the Failures Club.
Jeez, who stuffed
sand in her crotch?
-It gets everywhere!
-My gills are filled!
I still want to know who
the one successful experiment
is on the island.
My guess would be, Jerry.
Oh, yeah.
-He's awesome.
-It's got to be him.
Who the hell is Jerry?
Hey, if we're all here,
who's running guest relations?
Yes. I'll get some
cream to you immediately.
No, sir. The coconut
milk wrestling starts at ten.
Yes, 'morning after pills' are
available in the candy machine
next to the jacuzzi.
Sorry. Yes.
You're right.
It is an acid bath,
but it does exfoliate.
Where the fuck is everybody?
Doesn't anybody else work here?
I do! Need a...
bump?
Just a pinch.
Oh, can't anyone
pick up around here?
Hello, miss.
But I have
a question for customer service.
Oh, shit. The fake Cuban.
Si, that is me.
Now, where can
I find that estupido Duke?
I'm not going to tell--
And a better answer this time.
Best to do what he says, ma'am.
Or should I say...
Experiment 138.
-What?
-Be careful with her.
She's the most
dangerous thing on this island.
No. It's really the dysentery
people have been getting
from the thorium lab salad bar.
Mr. President,
we have the Wonder Woman,
and she's American.
Way to go, Idaho!
And what about
the other rejects?
All still on the island,
along with
dozens of resort guests.
Right, right.
Okay, we should probably get
them out of there
before we nuke the island.
Nuke the island?
I don't know if we should
jump straight to nukes, sir.
Why not?
I got the codes
around here somewhere.
Damn it! Hey, Sally.
Sally! Do you know where
I put those damn nuclear codes?
You know, Mr. President
I think this would
actually be a great time
to bench test 'Project Gort'.
Project who?
What's that one again?
Well, it's highly classified,
so I can't really chat about it
while there's
civilians in earshot.
Whatever,
I'm a little busy right now.
Do whatever you want.
Sally! Where are
my golfornash taquitos?
Now, here's
what's going to happen.
We're evacuating this island,
so no harm comes to these
normal, taxpaying American
citizens.
And then you and
your mutant friends
are going to come
along with us quietly.
-And what if I refuse?
-Well, then Mozart here is
going to feed a lead sandwich
to every last freak in
front of you until you do.
My name is Luis,
and I'm only here
for the Duke and his legs.
-If it's not too much trouble.
-Just how do you think you can
evacuate the island?
Well, there just so happens
to be a hurricane coming.
No, senior. I checked
the weather on the plane,
and it showed
blue skies all week.
Hello, Disney World?
Let me talk to
Stratospheric Command.
It's the office of
the President again.
Oh, no. It's not about
the tickets, though. Thank you.
Those were most appreciated.
What? Oh, yes.
Yes, yes,
we did get to meet Stitch.
He was great.
Lilo, however, was a no show.
Anyway, we need a little shift
in winds in
the Southeast Caribbean.
Oh. Senior Mickey really
does control the weather.
[giggling]
Oh, shit.
I think it's
time for a nightcap.
You want to join me, Sam?
I don't wear a hat to bed.
Oh, yeah. It's super late.
And I got to get up early for,
um, morning shit. You know.
But it's only 8:00.
Oww!
-Have a good night, you two.
-Night.
Drag faster!
I've got flippers
for hands, you dick!
-Moon.
-Yes, Reggie?
I've been wanting to say.
I really enjoyed watching you
during your jazzercise classes.
Oh, you're like the fifth
guy to tell me that today.
Really? You don't
have to yank my chain.
But you're the only
one I wanted to hear it from.
Oh, are you hungry, by chance?
Why? Are
you looking for a cherry?
Well, I had these.
I thought you might like.
Holy fuck.
A white dot! She was right!
-What?
-Nothing.
Do we need a graveyard?
I didn't think so.
Unless you want
some... butt stuff?
Oh, jellyfish don't have anuses.
We defecate from our mouths.
Wow, that's so ace.
And your kinky.
And I think
that pill is kicking in.
I feel hot.
Oh, you are definitely hot.
Oh, that's, like, so sweet.
["The Love Theme
From Isla Monstro" playing]
I really wanna
kiss you right now.
I don't have lips.
But I have to warn you
a touch from me will sting.
Could even be deadly.
Well lucky for me then,
I don't have any pain receptors.
Part of my mutation.
You can't hurt me.
No fucking way.
It really is like
we're made for each other.
I always thought so.
-In 40 years you never spoke up.
-Call me old fashioned.
Well, let's bring
this relationship
into the modern age.
We have to make up
for lost time.
Blimey. Let me
remove these trousers.
Wow.
Barbed.
For her pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Gigi Edgley.
There's a sparkle
in the full moon
The Hibiscus
are in full bloom
And a jellyfish is fucking
A creature from
the Black Lagoon
Whether it's
the screams from the hotel
O the squeals as
their horrific love quells
It's quite certain
that these two mutants
Are getting it on
It's the "Love Theme
from Isla Monstro"
The place where
poisonous tentacled chicks go
To get jackhammered
by mer-dudes
With beautiful barbed dicks
Also known as tentacle love
Referred to as
slithery seduction
A graphic sextaneous
combustion
Did we mention
the giant barbed dicks?
So spiky y'all
For her pleasure
Their lust will
bloom like blue-green algae
These freaky deaky
creatures of the sea
Making slimy love
so wild and free
Shit! That molecular
biocompatibility
It's time to cover
your sheltered kids eyes
While we chum the waters
between their thighs
The gulf stream current
of their passion will gush
so much that even
Cthulhu would blush
This is the "Love Theme
from Isla Monstro"
You didn't think you'd
see so much cartoon sex, so
Hopefully you haven't
walked out of the theater
Or asked for
your hard-earned money back
Just kidding
I'm sure this is on streaming
Damn, that fish
dude sure is gleaming
From the gelatinous
Medusa's thrusting
Oh, fuck.
I think that shit
just might have kicked in.
Okay, I might
be getting nauseous
From the horrors
of this carnal coitus
Pass me some of
that stinger toxicity
To put me out of my
sea-sickening misery
-[Reggie groaning]
-Be my PacMan!
This, just in.
Hurricane Daisy has
formed in the Mid-Atlantic
and looks to be growing
to a category five storm.
Oh, shit. That's bad.
What have we said
about your mouth, Ben?
Tracking shows
it on a direct path
with the recently
opened resort Isla Monstro.
I hear it's a really
nice place down there.
I don't think our viewers are
interested in your opinion, Ben.
Argh! Hold on a minute,
I need to hit an ATM.
If I were
anywhere near that island,
I'd GTFO right now.
G-T-F-O? Grab the future Oculus.
Yes, yes, it's a sign.
Oh, I will grab
the future, all right.
By its large
and masculine balls.
Okay, that may
have been too much.
[laughing evilly]
Project Gort is go.
Send in the cavalry.
Come on. This way to the plane.
-Let's go.
-Move your asses, normos!
It's Mother Nature's
time of the month
-and that red tide is high.
-What's happening?
Shit! We can't be
out of Molly already.
There's a hurricane coming.
We need to get
everyone off the island.
Okay, you got it! I'll start
evacuating the lower levels.
-Sam, you come with me.
-On it!
What do you want me to
tell the other mutants to do?
Stay put. We're soldiers.
The guests aren't.
Copy that.
Grrgh. This is Fish Taco,
to Lunch Wagon.
The condor is
prepped and ready to nomadize.
What the hell did
you just say, Pete?
The plane's taken off.
All the passengers are on board.
I'm just trying to
make it sound cool. Okay?
Why didn't you just say that?
Get your head back
in there, Party Phil.
Party's over, man! Party's over!
Maybe for you.
For some of us,
that party never stops.
Okay.
That should be the last of them.
Whoa whoa whoa. We're closed.
Who the fuck is that?
Woo woo!
Now we can even the odds.
Ha ha ha!
This island is officially ours.
Duke?
You naked? We're evacuating.
Hang on. Help me with this shit.
All right.
All right. Like, seriously,
what the shit is going on?
Shh! Get down! We need to hide.
Who is it?
We need to keep quiet.
Holy fucking shit!
Well, that's not very quiet.
40 years sure did a number
on my baby girl's mouth.
Dad! What are you doing here?
Dad?
General Dregg is her dad.
Dyanna Dregg.
Did you people seriously
never put this together?
I thought it was
just cosmic coincidence.
There've been thousands of
thoughts that have run through
my head for this moment.
You left us.
-You left me.
-Dyanna--
You left all of us here to die.
Ooh, this is juicy stuff.
I was following orders.
I never meant to-- 40 years!
You never thought to
come back in 40 years.
And yet you haven't aged a day.
Thanks to the gnarly
chemical compounds
running through my blood.
All right, can someone explain
what the fuck is happening here?
Well, I think we've just
discovered that Dyanna's father
was running the base at the time
of the experiments.
Yeah. No shit.
I mean, why are we having
a slumber party in the lobby?
Isn't it obvious?
The United States government
wants their property back.
The fuck?
They want
to take back the island.
Dyanna, don't do this.
But you know what, gang?
We aren't going
to go without a fight.
-Fuck, yeah!
-Reggie, get Jerry.
-On it!
-Ooh, it's on now.
Well, I sure hope
these posers brought an army.
[military music playing]
Thanks, Barry.
Oh, no, that's just gratuitous.
We gotta get out of here.
Ha-ha-ho!General Dregg, I see
you've collected the specimens.
-Great work!
-Specimens?
Colonel, you don't
know what you're doing.
These are not experiments.
They are people.
Ha! Oh yeah right, people.
Oh, these are fish-faced freaks.
With scales and barnacles
and never gonna happen.
You can't get rid of us.
You need us.
Dyanna Dregg, oh,
you couldn't be more wrong.
We don't need them.
We just need you.
-Me?
-Ferguson,
let's talk about this.
GORT.
-Whoa! Robots?
-The future is here.
Meet Project Gort.
The military's robotic
modern take on
the super soldier.
Hi-ya!
CRUSH-stacion!
Well, they're getting their
super asses kicked for sure.
Time for talking is over.
Have no fear,
Jerry the sonic
shrimp is present.
I found him.
I've waited 40 years
to show I'm not a failure.
With my uncanny
sonic shrimp abilities,
I can take down
this entire bogus militia
with a wave of my
sick superior, shrimpy arms.
-Give 'em hell, Jerry!
-I love that guy.
If only I knew how to love.
Is this shrimp for real?
I'm sorry.
Who are you calling a shrimp?
Well, you! You literally just
announced yourself
as the sonic shrimp.
Ha ha ha.
Do I look shrimpy to you?
Yeah, you do look shrimpy,
because you're literally a buff
shrimp guy
with a baby shrimpy head.
It's disgusting.
This guy!
I've had enough of this ruffian.
Kick his ass, Jerry!
Oh asses will be kicked,
my little lady.
You die right now, military man.
No one threatens my friends.
SONIC! SHRIMP!
SMOOSH!
[loud bang]
-Well, shit.
-That happened.
Okay, that was too easy.
Anyone else want to play hero?
-No sir, I'm very much a coward.
-That wasn't necessary!
Soldiers,
escort this flotsam to the brig.
Holy shit.
Jerry.
Oh, shit.
This is so heinous.
I... Oh, I am
so sorry, you guys.
Sweetie, it's not your fault.
Well, technically, she did--
Not the time horseshoe head.
-Hey, man, that's offensive.
-No. He's right.
It was my call.
I'm the dweeb.
Oh, I guess we weren't meant to
get back into the world
after all.
That's bullshit.
And you know it.
Why are you here?
I'm here because of you.
But you abandoned me.
You abandoned all of us.
They told me
the island had been incinerated.
They told me... you were dead.
When I found out
you were still alive,
I got here as soon as I could.
I thought about
you every day for 40 years.
Every day? That's a lot of days.
You're my daughter, Dyanna
and nothing
could ever change that.
If you're here for me,
then why did you
bring the military?
I didn't.
I came to try and save you.
Colonel Ferguson and
the President have
different plans.
And what could that be?
All the mutants
have been rounded up
and are under lockdown.
Excellent.
Now bring up all the information
on experiment number 138.
Ooh, dandy.
Soldiers.
The military. They've returned.
We're saved!
Get me this girl
and cancel the freak show.
Oh, by the way,
I changed my mind.
The nukes are dropping by 0100.
[laughs]
We're doomed.
Wait.
This is it, is it?
Yes. Freak show, are we?
Oh, the freak show
hasn't even started.
Well, get ready
for the freak show two:
electric boogaloo!
Who goes there?
Dyanna, they know about you.
You're the one.
The one experiment that worked!
That's ridiculous.
She's a failure like
the rest of us, right?
Yeah. She doesn't
even have a cloaca.
Loser.
Dyanna, you know it's true.
I've had decades to decide
what I would say to you
if I ever saw you again.
Well, I'm here now.
It's the same
two words every time.
Fuck OFF!
Holy shit, she has powers.
There she is.
Well, I definitely
lost that bet.
-That's so hot.
-After all this time.
So funky fresh!
What the military doesn't know
is that all of us are successes.
And we are not going
to let them take our island.
But what can we do?
We're going to do
what they made us to do.
We fight!
We flee!
What about the island?
What about our friends?
Sam, with this much loot
we can buy our own island,
find new friends,
start a whole new life.
-The American dream?
-Exactly!
That you said doesn't exist.
Well, I mean, it does now.
Look at all that gold.
Plus, you saw the military.
They're going to
blow up the island.
This is a mistake.
You obviously
didn't see the gold.
That's my family back there.
Are they going to be okay?
I mean, they can't
kill all of them, right?
I'm sure some will survive.
They do have Jerry.
Hey, narbo!
Well, well, little Dregg.
Have you come to your senses?
Are you ready to
join the winning side?
I have. We all have.
And we've decided that you've
overstayed your welcome.
Time to check out.
Oh, we were just leaving.
Now that we have these.
Oh, shit. That's her DNA.
They're going to make an army of
Dyannas and take over the world!
They don't need us anymore.
[gasps] They're going
to kill us all.
You really just came
to their conclusion, huh?
Yeah, I'm sorry,
but those aren't complimentary.
Well, then put it on the
United States of America's tab.
Ferguson, this is wrong,
and you know it!
These are our citizens.
Our people!
General Dregg, huh,
I don't see any people here.
All I see is a black mark
in the ledger of
the greatest country on earth.
And I will be happy to
relieve you of your command.
Oh, this is wrong.
This is the world
that Dyanna warned us about.
One ruled by greed, politics,
that interweb thing
with free boobies on it
flapping around
like seagulls with
broken wings in the wind.
Hey, Sam, have you
seen my cell phone charger?
I mean, this is so warped.
We're soldiers.
We don't leave anyone behind.
Maybe I left it in my room?
[Sam] Being outsiders
is literally what
our country was founded on.
The biggest fucking
melting pot on the planet.
Where everyone and anyone,
who isn't British,
can have a seat at the table.
[Duke]
Sam, you gotta listen to reason.
[Sam] The future seriously
can't hold this much divide.
There has to be room for
mutants and humankind alike.
Oh, I just know it.
Good Lord, she can fly too!
As Master Sergeant Diana Dregg
of Fort Montana
and Isla Monstro,
I am proud to say that we will
be relieving you of command.
That's my girl.
You come to Oculus' island
and plan to poke him around?
Well, then
prepare for the evil eye!
Face it man. It failed.
You know, I've been
a failure my whole life,
and you have too.
Don't you think it's
time to succeed at something
for once?
Listen, bro,
you need to calm down because
because we're going back.
Damn right we are.
Leave no man, mutant,
or cell charger behind.
Shit, yeah!
How on Earth
could they even defeat
a massive robotic military
infiltration without us?
It ain't happening.
Now, cue the music.
It's time to Shrek 2
this motherfucker.
What's Shrek 2?
[intense pop music playing]
-Are we really going to do this?
-I am gonna so fuck them all.
You mean fuck them up, right?
I said what I said.
You think you could defeat me?
I have an army.
[rumbling]
We have an eyeball.
Here comes science!
Oh shit. Attack!
Let's Bad News Bears this shit!
Without the horrific racism.
Enjoy my laser,
enemy of the state.
Hah, you imbecile!
Don't you know the first thing
the scientists did
was make us laser proof?
I didn't know that.
Who wants to ride the dolphin?
Ooh, I do.
Take that.
And that.
And, oh nevermind,
I'm laying it on too thick.
Be kind, rewind, motherfucker!
Drinks are on the house!
But I'm sober.
Time for jazzercise!
And a one, and a two,
and a three, and a four!
Chass!
Grapevine! Ah!
Attitude lift!
And lift!
And lift!
So much cardio! Ah!
Where the fuck are
the rest of the mutants?
Oh, it's bingo night, isn't it?
B-22?
Anybody got B-22?
[growling]
Are you woofing me, Robert?
You have called
bingo every damn round!
Damn it!
Oh GORT.
Thought you could
escape us, Senior Duke.
What name is
it this week, Martin?
It is Luis.
Sure it is.
Hey, good to see you.
How are you liking your stay?
Which little towel animal
did you get in your room?
It was an aardvark.
I fucking hate aardvarks.
Well, I'm sure we can get
you a black eagle or something.
I could see you have your
payment all ready for El Feo.
I'll be taking your ship now.
Right after I blow
your estupido face off.
Excuse me,
but that isn't Duke's payment.
Holy shit!
Schreckliche schnecke!
That's our American dream.
No! No!
Scheie!
My man!
Excuse me.
Science coming through.
Thank you.
Oh GORT.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you all right?
I'm not used to having feet.
Where did Oculus get a robot?
Oh, nowadays you can
just order them on Amazon.
Oh, the rainforests
have given us so much.
This looks bad.
We need to help them!
I think I need a drink.
Seriously? Now?
Crap. Hey, hey,
can we talk about this?
Pardon me, chaps, but I believe
it's time for Elevenses.
[grunting]
Are you all right, my queen?
Oh, you are, like, totally
getting scrumpeted tonight.
Oh!
I totally blew that guy... away.
Make a hole!
Did somebody order an open bar?
Hey! I'm
shocked to see you here.
I would have thought you'd
escape at the first chance.
What? Me?
No way. I forgot
my cell phone charger.
Plus, you know--
I want to be on
the winning team for once.
Good man.
Oh, not the top shelf.
And where do
you think you're going?
Well, I'm not sure when you fell
to the dark side, General?
Or should I call you comrade?
I've always done what my
country asks with no question.
But to bring war to its shores?
Fighting against our own?
It's not right, Colonel.
It's over.
Yeah!
Get the fuck off our island!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Your island?
Hardly.
This entire operation is
property of
the old Stars and Stripes.
And I'm under direct orders,
from the President
to not let a washed
up General, an ex-con,
and a bunch of mistakes
stand in its way of greatness.
So the U.S.A.
is comfortable not only
experimenting on its citizens,
but slaughtering them?
Absolutely. I'll tell you what.
You can have your little hotel
or what's left of
it after the nukes go off.
The public will know
what you've done here.
Nope, they won't.
Because none of you are ever
getting off this island alive.
Actually,
69 million of the public will.
Because I've been tok ticking
your whole speech live.
-Smile, asshole.
-Ducks and deuces! Squalla!
Wait wait wait wait wait.
What the fuck is a tok tick?
Barry Masterson here live and
reporting from Island Monstro.
As you can see,
the U.S. government has landed
a full scale assault
on their own American base.
Shoo, Sally. Call off the nukes!
Call them off! Undo! Undo!
-Fucking freak show!
-[gun fires]
Well, I guess I'll just
have to kill each of you
right now just to make sure.
Oh, shit.
Hey, everybody.
The resort was empty except for
some stupid battle out front.
But anyway, we were looking
for the Free-garita zone
from 3 to 5.
Is that still happening?
[laughs]
Free-garita zone? What the fuck?
-Yeah, who the fuck are you?
-And who is we?
[growling]
Oopsie.
That's just my new fianc, Fred.
See? We're engaged now!
-[giggles]
-Mazel tov.
Thank you!
Oh, Shambling Mound.
Like from Dungeons and Dragons.
Uh, yeah, Is there another kind?
Dad, I--
Stop right there.
I've had decades to decide
what I would say
if I ever saw you again.
And every time I can
only think of two words.
I'm sorry.
The greatest
mistake of my life was
believing I had lost you.
And now getting
to see you like this.
What? With powers?
With great purpose.
You're the born leader
I always knew you could be.
The one I told them about then.
And I am so proud
to be your father.
Aw. Thanks, Dad.
[sobbing] So beautiful.
Salty snail tears,
dropping like raindrops.
Well, that was totally awesome.
-Tubular, man.
-To the max.
Wait. Was that a positive
statement out of you, Midnight?
Fuck off and die.
I hate you all.
Hey, and Duke didn't abandon us.
Yeah, I guess
that was a mistake.
There go all my photos.
-Failures for life?
-Failures for life.
So what do we do now?
I'm pretty sure we need
to get this rundown shit stain
back into the biggest
party destination on the planet.
With as much sex,
drugs and rock and roll as
we can physically muster.
-You in?
-Sounds like a good plan.
Woo!
And that's really
why Souplantation
went out of business?
[shivering] It haunts my dreams.
Anyway, back to
tonight's top story.
We are into day three
of the protests
over the horrific U.S.
attack of Isla Monstro.
The POTUS is making a statement.
[Ben] About fucking time.
Oh, swear jar. Ben.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Tills, can you break a 20?
My fellow American normos,
it is the decision of Congress
and the angry mob
that attacks my vehicle
every time we drive
through Baskin-Robbins,
that the Fort Montana
infantry will all be
honorably discharged
with full benefits
retroactive for
the past 40 years.
[crowd] AND?
And that the Isla Monstro resort
will be allowed to stay open
without any threat of Disney
created weather patterns
in the future.
Smile. Nod.
Give thumbs up.
Wait, was
I supposed to say that part?
Love, Duke.
You know, Liliana,
in this country, you got to make
some money first.
Then when you get the money,
you get the-- GREEN CARDS!
It's so funny how my shoulders
aren't rubbing themselves.
[sighs] This really is
special what we built here.
Seems pretty successful to me.
Shit. Yeah.
Hey, some teenagers snuck
into the D wing genetics lab.
They're messing around with
the recombinant DNA synthesizer.
So, you don't know if
teenagers know how to use
this type of apparatus?
They're probably
high on something.
Sounds like a job for the new
assistant assistant manager.
Copy that.
Shit, yeah.
[upbeat Caribbean music playing]
[Duke] Dammit, Flappo!
-Operation Dumbo Drop?
-No.
-Jason X?
-No.
-Mac & Me?
-No.
-The Conqueror?
-No.
-Super Babies:
Baby Geniuses 2?
-Don't got it.
-Okja?
-No.
-Congo?
-No.
-At Long Last Love?
-Nope.
-Howard The Duck?
-No.
-Jack And Jill?
-No.
-Puppet Master 3:
Toulon's Revenge?
-Negative.
-Midnight Cowboy?
-No!
-Erin Brockovich?
-No.
-3 Ninjas:
High Noon At Mega Mountain?
-No.
-It's the fourth one.
-[sighs] No.
-Club Paradise?
-No.
-Koyaanisqatsi?
-Nope.
-Air Bud:
Seventh Inning Fetch?
-No.
-Look Who's Talking Now?
-No.
-Battlefield Earth?
-No.
-Santa Claus
Conquers The Martians?
-No!
-Weekend At Bernie's 2?
-No.
-Gotti?
-Eww, no.
-The Babe Ruth Story?
-No.
-Pump Up The Volume?
-Nope.
-John Carpenter's
Ghost Of Mars?
-No.
-Who's Afraid
Of Virginia Woolf?
-No.
-Ewoks: The Battle For Endor?
-No.
-The Happening?
-No way!
-Driving Miss Daisy?
-No.
-The Misfits?
-No.
-What's Love Got To Do With It?
-Ugh, no.
-April Fool's Day?
-No.
-Gleaming The Cube?
-No.
-Glen Or Glenda?
-No.
-Surf Nazis Must Die?
No.
-Tremors?
-Absolutely not.
-Seriously?
You don't have Tremors?
-No.
How do you not have Tremors?
Oh, what am I going to do?
[sighs]
I should have stayed in Vienna.
Top ten most
livable cities in the world.
Piece of shit.