It Ain't Hay (1943) Movie Script

Hey, Princess, you got
a good horse for the day?
I'll say I have.
Just a minute, young lady!
You've got no business
operating a hack at your age.
Let me see your driver's license.
She's 12 years old.
Her old man's laid up with arthritis.
That's no excuse for breakin' the law.
I've got a good mind to lock you up.
Oh, have a heart, Reilly.
Oh, it's a heart you want, is it?
Oh, well, that's a
different story.
Hello, Princess.
How's me little girl, huh?
Gee, Mr. Reilly,
for a minute there,
you had me worried!
Me too!
Oh, brother, am I late for work!
See you at lunch.
Oh, boy!
What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?
You know you were driving
over 35 miles an hour?
A minute.
- 35 miles an hour.
- A minute,
this car won't go an hour.
Ah, you.
Well, hello, boys, how are you?
Glad to see you.
Hello, Joe, what are
you doing around here?
What's wrong, Joe?
Didn't they want a band
leader up at Camp Saratoga?
Oh, me and my big mouth
are in trouble again.
Why don't you see your dentist?
What's wrong?
I had to go around camp bragging
how I know every big star on Broadway
and could round them up
for the big camp show.
So what happened?
So the Captain gives me four days' leave
to bring a show up to camp,
and so far I got nobody
but the Princess to sing,
not even a slug to make a phone call.
Joe, you're welcome to my last quarter.
Here you are, Joe.
You owe me a quarter.
Thanks, that's a life saver.
What's the idea?
What do you mean he owes you a quarter?
Did you give him the quarter?
- No.
- Then he owes it to me.
- But you took it from me.
- But he's got it now.
I will break even, won't I?
- I hope.
- I hope. I mean, I've...
Oh, Princess.
Oh, I never can fool you.
Hello, Princess, how's my best girlfriend?
Fine, thank you, Wilbur.
How's my best boyfriend Finnegan?
He's hungry.
Hello, Finnegan.
I love this horse.
Finnegan, I got something for
you. You must know I love you
if I want to share my candy with you.
Ain't it cute?
Go ahead, take that.
You're gonna hurt your teeth
if you crunch it like that.
Wilbur, you shouldn't give
him peppermint candy to eat.
It's bad for his teeth.
He likes peppermint candy.
No, she's right.
You'll spoil the horse's appetite.
Now he won't eat his fodder.
- Eat his father?
- Mm-hmm.
What do you think,
Finnegan is a cannibal?
No, she's going to hang
his fodder on his nose.
Ain't he going to look funny
with his father on his nose?
He eats his fodder every day.
Finnegan eats his father every day?
Why, sure.
And what's his father eat?
He eats his fodder.
Oh, and what's his mother eat?
Well, she eats her fodder.
It's getting worse all the time.
Oh, what's the use of talking to you?
It must be Father's Day.
Any luck, Joe?
Not a bit.
Well, keep on trying, you'll get there.
Anything I can do to help you, Princess?
No, thank you, Wilbur.
I'll shine your glass.
Will you excuse me
while I have my lunch?
Finnegan hates to eat alone.
Have a sandwich, Uncle Wilbur?
Ah, ah, ah, no, you don't.
Trying to steal the little girl's lunch.
Oh, there's something in my eye.
Here, take my handkerchief, dear.
Thank you.
Everything all right?
Ow, ow!
Come here, come here.
- I'm sorry.
- Come down here.
- I didn't mean it.
- It's not his fault.
He's hungry.
Yeah, Joe, I haven't had a thing
to eat all day but those ladyfingers.
Wilbur, you break my heart.
Come on across the street,
we'll see what Kitty can do for us today.
- See you later, dear.
- Bye.
It ain't raining.
Why the umbrella?
Who knows?
I'm a Damon Runyon character.
Tea Biscuit, what a horse!
What a horse!
Yeah, but how're we gonna
get out to the race track?
Why don't you hire his taxi cab?
Could be, perhaps,
what's your flat rate?
$30 a month but the bathroom's
at the other end of the hall.
- It's quite a hike.
- Have lunch with us.
We'll go inside and talk it over
amongst ourselves together.
Thank you for the invitation.
That's very nice of you.
Take a check, please.
I'd rather have cash.
You'll have to take a check.
What's the matter with you?
Hey, take it easy, will you, my friend?
I mean, when I dropped
my ticket on the floor,
you with your golf shoes
on, you punched holes in it.
Oh, I'm sorry, here, you can have mine.
Oh, thank you.
- Ha, missed.
- Huh?
You got me.
What do I want with your ticket?
I've got one of my own.
Hey, hey, Grover, oh!
Hey, Kitty...
- Wilbur, Wilbur, watch it.
- I'm sorry.
I was going over to see Grover.
Hey, you look
- where you're going!
- What's the big idea?
- Wilbur, you watch it!
- Would you like
to have a fight or something?
I'll fight you any day of the week.
Hey, Grover.
I can't leave him alone a minute.
- Hey, Grover.
- What's the matter now?
- Oh, Grover.
- What happened?
I did it again.
So you go out and eat a $1's worth
and don't even sit with us.
These ain't my checks.
Oh, big man, big man.
Going around picking up
other people's checks.
Well, here, pick up mine.
- I'm gonna find Joe.
- All right, but I mean,
I don't mind...
Grover, who's going to
pay for these checks?
I got an idea.
Let's gamble to see who pays.
I don't gamble.
My mother told me never to gamble.
And furthermore, gentlemen,
you invited me in here for dinner.
Sure, but we didn't say we'd pay for it.
We'll have a quiz contest.
- A quiz contest?
- Yeah, yeah.
Now me and the boys will
each put up five bucks
and we'll each ask a question,
and all you gotta do is say
the checks to each question.
If you don't say checks, you're stuck.
All I gotta do is say the
checks to three questions?
That's right.
- Okay.
- Now, here, you ready?
The first question, what would you do
if you were going to have something more?
What would you eat?
- The checks.
- How do you like that?
Second question, if you
had another cup of coffee,
what would you stir it with?
- The checks.
- He's tough.
Last question, if you
were to win this contest,
what would you rather have,
the money or the checks?
- The checks.
- Okay, there they are.
- Okay.
- Here you are.
I win all the checks, huh?
Now you guys ain't got none.
I got 'em all.
- What's the matter now?
- How do you like that?
I come over here with two tickets,
- now I got six of them.
- Will you ever learn?
Say, I hope you guys can pay your bill.
Kitty just told me they've got
a new efficiency expert here
and he's plenty tough.
- Uh-oh!
- Plenty tough?
Anybody that can't
pay his check winds up
in the alley all cut up and bleeding.
In the alley?
Cut up and bleeding?
It must be a gruesome sight.
You stay here and hold those checks.
I'll go out and try and dig up some money.
I'll pick you up later.
- In the alley.
- Okay.
In the alley?
Well, Mr. Warner, as
my new efficiency expert,
you're in complete charge.
Now show me if you're as
good as you say you are.
Well, I've got it
figured out scientifically
that a customer will be in and out
of here in 4 1/2 minutes,
allowing time for a cigarette.
After that, if he's not
eating, out he goes.
My boys will take care of that.
Fine, fine.
- Hello, boss.
- Hi, boss.
That'll be 75 cents, please.
I'm sorry, I left my wallet home.
I'll have to take care of it later.
Oh, that routine again.
What routine?
A guy can leave his
wallet at home, can't he?
Listen, chum, I've got to account
for every check that
goes in this register.
Now pay up or else.
I'm sorry.
I'll have to take care of it later.
What's the trouble, buddy?
I haven't got any money, so what?
You haven't got any money, huh?
He hasn't got any money.
Cops, police.
Do you know that little fat
guy sitting over there alone?
Oh, why, why, yes.
He's a very prominent
taxicab man about town.
He's pretty prominent sitting
over there without eating.
- Let me see those checks.
- They're no good.
They got holes in them.
Let me see 'em.
I'm a pig, huh?
Are you through eating?
Yes, sir.
Now, why don't you pay
your checks and get out?
You can't sit here without eating.
I'm not hungry anymore.
Pay your checks and get out.
Good evening, Mr. Warner.
I thought you said you weren't hungry.
In between the time I
said it and you heard it,
I got hungry all over again.
It's the roll type.
Roll type.
When you've rolled it around,
it's easier to eat.
You don't get smacked with this one.
Just a little small smack, that's all.
I beg your pardon, buddy.
Could you let me have, oh, it's you.
- Any luck?
- Yes, but it's all bad.
I can't raise a button.
Oh, Grover, Uncle Grover!
What's wrong?
Something awful has happened.
Finnegan is sick, awful sick.
I'm afraid it was that peppermint candy.
Where is he now?
They just took him home in a wagon.
And now I just got to find Wilbur.
Why Wilbur?
Well, he's Finnegan's pal,
and he always knows what to
do when Finnegan is sick.
We know where he is.
Yes, and I think you're the
answer on how to get him out.
Come on, Princess.
Well, let's hurry.
- Take him, boys!
- Take it easy, fellows.
- Take it easy.
- Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, hold
everything, hold everything!
- They got me.
- We're prepared
- to pay this check.
- Well, that's different.
This man's a millionaire.
But we can't pay this
check until he goes outside
and signs some legal papers.
Please, mister, couldn't
I stay here for him?
Why surely, surely,
you'd trust a little
innocent girl like this.
Well, I guess there's
nothing else I can do about it.
But there's one thing certain.
Those checks have got to be paid.
- Sure.
- Oh, thank you.
And I'll sit right here
until the bill is paid.
And there's the checks.
All right, boys, turn him loose.
- Okay.
- Come on, Wilbur.
Okay, Grover, thanks a lot.
Thank you, too, Princess.
You just didn't have to
worry about getting paid.
I just didn't have any money with me.
And at home?
I ain't got none there, either, woo!
Now, wait a minute there.
Come on, Wilbur, you've
got to cure the King's horse.
Yes, see what you can do for Finnegan.
Okay, hey, wait a minute.
- What's the matter?
- What about the Princess?
Oh, Joe is taking care of that.
I am not gonna leave here
until I know she is safe.
Okay, I'll fix that.
Well, who says there's
never a cop in sight
- when you need one.
- What is it now?
Can't you soldiers take
care of yourselves?
Reilly, a poor little innocent
Irish girl is being held
in that cafeteria against her will.
Did you say Irish?
I didn't say it.
Joe said it, but talking about the Irish,
that big fat guy in there said,
"I don't like the Irish!"
Oh, he did, did he?
Well, we'll see about this.
Oh, it's you, Princess.
Well, you get along home
and tend to your sick horse.
Now wait a minute, Officer.
She can't leave this restaurant
until I get $4.55 that's
owed to me for food.
What'd I tell you?
You mean to tell me
that this little girl ate
up $4.55 worth of food?
What's the disturbance?
What's the trouble here, Warner?
He's trying to say
that I ate up $4.55 worth of his old food.
I didn't say any such a thing.
But she promised to stay here
until he came back with the money.
He who?
Why, the little fat
guy that came in here
and ate his necktie
with his spaghetti and...
Necktie, spaghetti!
What kind of drivel-dravel is that?
Oh, he's been acting queer all day.
Oh, I have, have I?
Well, you're fired.
That suits me fine.
Come on, Princess,
we're getting out...
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait here.
- Break it up, break it.
- Officer, you can't...
Wait just a minute, Warner.
You're a little too efficient for me.
Not only is she fired
- but you're fired.
- Fired?
And not only will you pay me the $4.55
you claim this kid owes me,
but I'm going to hold your
$100 bond until I check on you.
What kind of a job is this?
You work for four hours,
and you're out $104.55.
You can't do that!
Are you sure this
medicine will cure Finnegan?
Oh yeah, I know all about horses.
- You do?
- Hello, boys.
How's Finnegan?
Oh, he's going to be all right.
The poor O'Haras, I do
hope the horse gets well.
So do I.
I got to make him well.
- Hello.
- Hello, honey.
How are you?
Are you gonna make Finnegan well?
You bet your life I am.
I got to.
Come on.
And the unfortunate horse, how is he?
Oh, he's got a pain in the tummy,
but I'm gonna make him well.
You know me, Dr. Wilbur Hoolihan, M.E.
- No, M.D.
- M.E.
What's M.E?
- Me.
- Oh come on.
Come on.
Sit down over here, dear.
You've got nothing to worry about, honey.
I'm gonna have Finnegan
up and well in no time.
Sure he will.
Well, get to work, horse doctor.
- What are you doing?
- Taking his pulse.
Not there, in the front.
Oh, by his two front legs.
No, the horse's forelegs.
Four legs, I said by the two front legs.
Well, the horse's forelegs are in front.
What's those things
in the back, crutches?
No, don't you understand?
My horse.
- Here comes King.
- My poor old horse.
Oh, Pop, you shouldn't
have come over here.
This weather is bad for your arthritis.
Never mind my arthritis,
my horse is sick.
He's more important than I am.
Mr. O'Hara, I'm sorry about Finnegan.
I didn't know that the
candy would hurt him.
It never hurt me.
It's all right, Wilbur,
but Finnegan's getting on in years,
and there are some things
he just can't eat anymore.
I feel the same way about cucumbers.
But you got nothing to
worry about, Mr. O'Hara.
Please, don't worry.
Grover, give me one of those pills.
I'm gonna show you something.
These pills never fail.
I'll give one of these here to Finnegan,
and he'll be up and
well before you know it.
He'll be pulling that
hack like a two-year-old.
- I hope so.
- Yes, come on.
Now you run along home and
don't worry about a thing.
Everything will be taken care of.
What are you going to do?
Well, I'm going to give
Finnegan his medicine.
- How?
- Well, you see,
first of all, I take one end of the hose
and put it in Finnegan's mouth like this.
Open your mouth, Finnegan.
See, right in there.
Atta boy, now stay like that.
Now, you see, I take the capsule
and I put it in the hose,
- like that.
- Now what do you do?
Now, he's got one end in his mouth
and the other end I put in my mouth,
and then I blow, watch.
What's the matter?
Come here.
Hold still.
What happened?
Wait a minute, what do you want?
Yes, I know that.
You told us.
Yes, yes, that's right.
Huh, well, what happened?
The horse blew first.
Oh, look, Finnegan's getting up.
I gotta go tell Pop.
Finnegan is up again,
frisky as a pup again.
Finnegan is in again,
eating at the bin again.
Finnegan is fit again,
chomping at the bit again.
Finnegan is up again,
feeling like a pup again.
Finnegan is fit again.
Finnegan's chomping at the bit again.
Finnegan is up again,
feeling like a pup again.
My horse is fit and well again!
Oh, glory be!
- Hello, Grover.
- Hello.
Isn't this a beautiful morning?
I'll bet Finnegan'll
be sure glad to see me,
now that I cured him.
Why don't you run over
and see how he feels?
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Well, I want to run in
here and get a cup of coffee.
- See you later.
- Okay.
Hi, Pete.
Hi, Pete.
Hi, Sandy.
Hello, honey.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
Mrs. Reed.
Hey, no, hey!
Hey, hey!
You're a murderer.
You killed that horse.
Honest, kid, I didn't mean to do it.
Oh, yes, you did. I
don't want to talk to you,
and nobody else wants to talk to you.
Tell the boys at the
stand they're welcome
to my regular customers.
That I'll do.
Sorry about your horse.
Go ahead.
Mr. O'Hara, I really
don't know what to say.
I'm not blaming you for anything, son.
You tried to help, and it
just didn't work out right.
You know this hack don't
look the same anymore.
I'm strong.
I'm gonna make it up to you.
I'm going to take the place
of Finnegan, Mr. O'Hara.
You get in, Mr. O'Hara.
You get in and drive me.
I'm gonna take Finnegan's place.
He would do the same thing for me.
Thanks, Wilbur, but
I'm afraid that won't do.
That looks silly, put it down.
- Silly, huh?
- Yeah.
I'm going to get them two people a horse
if it's the last thing I do.
This is one job I'm
not gonna fall down on.
Gee, Grover, this
is a terrible way to get money.
Never mind that.
You promised the Princess a horse,
and you've got to go through with it.
Spill it.
Stinky Fields sent us up here.
Yeah, he's a good friend
of Shorty McAllister's.
Yeah, we want to see
Big-Hearted Charlie.
There's Charlie over at the desk.
- Hello, boys.
- Hello.
What can Big-Hearted Charlie do for you?
I want some money.
I've got a rod.
A stick up!
What's the matter?
What's the matter with you fellows?
They're acting awful nervous, ain't they?
Wait a minute, boys,
let's talk this over.
What do you want?
All I want to do is borrow
some money on this here.
That's all.
A fishing rod?
How do you like that?
Yeah, I would like to
borrow some money on that.
Oh, you want to take
yourself out a loan?
Well, why should I
take myself out alone?
- I don't appeal to me.
- Oh keep quiet.
He wants to borrow $100.
We're friends of King O'Hara.
Oh, then you're okay, pal.
I'll let you have 100 bucks.
You got to pay me back
$5 a week the first year
and $2 1/2 a week the second year.
$5 the first year, a week,
and then the second year, $2 1/2 a week?
Come on, brother, you ain't
gonna get away with that.
Why not?
Because I'm able to pay
$3 a week the second year.
Oh well, that's, that's different.
Here's your dough.
Mister, what will happen to me
if I can't make my payments?
Here, I'll give you a rough idea.
Mushy, let me have a report
on that last guy that
didn't meet his payment.
- Shh, all right.
- Here's your $100, boys.
You've got nothing to worry
about, just pay on time.
That's what I was saying to my friend.
He's got nothing to worry about
as long as he pays on time.
I'll pay on time.
I don't want the money.
It's him.
Better take the money, take
the money, take the money.
- Don't push, don't push.
- Take the money.
Thanks ever so much.
- See you later.
- Yeah, come on, come on.
Oh, boys, ever play horses?
I was just thinking, with a little luck,
you could double that hundred bucks
and pay me off and still have
the dough you came in for.
Say, where do you bet on these horses?
We got a direct line to
the track in the next room.
You know, he's got something there.
You can double your money.
You won't owe anybody,
and you can buy King a new horse.
That is a very elegant idea.
- You like it?
- The only thing is,
I don't know anything
about playing the horses.
Oh, that's simple.
All you have to do is pick out a horse
and put your money right on his nose.
Come on, let's go inside.
Come on, I'll show you
how to double your money.
Try your luck on the ponies, boys?
No, we wanna play the big horses.
No, no, no, no, he wants to make a bet.
One, two, don't make any slip.
Three, four, we'll take a little drip.
Hey, wait a minute, what's
this little drip business?
Just testing.
- Oh.
- Oh, testing.
Hey, come to.
- Slicker's got an easy mark.
- Here, pick yourself a horse.
Oh, okay, I'll pick a good one, too.
Let me look at your form.
- Huh?
- Let me look at your form.
Well, if you get a kick out of it, okay.
All right, no, what are you doing?
You asked to look at
my form, didn't you?
Nothing of the kind.
Hey, you gonna bet a lot of money?
- How much you gonna bet, $20?
- Oh no.
- How much you gonna bet?
- A buck.
We don't take any dollar bets here.
Too big for you to handle?
Take any part of it.
Shh, listen, bet $10.
- $10?
- $10.
- I bet $10.
- $10, right.
Make with the coconuts.
They're off!
The race is over, you lose.
- Hey, come on, come on.
- What kind of stuff is this?
- Wait a minute.
- They're off.
The race is over, I
lose. I didn't even bet.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I mean, come on, run that race over again,
and run it in slow motion.
- The man is right.
- Wait a minute.
You know the name of the horse you bet on?
That's got nothing to do with it.
- I mean...
- What is the name
of the horse you bet on?
- Well, I...
- Well, how do you expect
to win, when you don't even
know the name of the horse?
The man's right.
- I don't know.
- The man's right.
Now this time double up on him, bet $20.
$20, my eye.
My Eye, that's a good horse.
$20 to win, My Eye.
They're off!
The race is over, you lose.
What is this?
- What's coming off here?
- What room are we playing in?
Now wait a minute.
Where do we stand?
- Just a minute.
- I mean, after all,
I just, $20, my eye, that was,
- that's an expression.
- Give this boy a break.
All right, now, in the next race,
there's only two horses in the race.
- Two horses?
- That's right.
- V for victory, can't miss.
- Hey, come here,
- only two horses.
- Yeah.
Bet on both of them.
You can't lose.
- Bet on the two of them?
- Certainly.
- Can't lose?
- How can you lose?
Okay, what's the horses' names?
Jellybean and Lollipop.
- $20 on Jellybean.
- $20 on Jellybean.
- $20 on Lollipop.
- $20 on Lollipop.
You're just in time.
They're at the post.
They're off!
Lollipop takes the lead
with Jellybean second.
At the far turn, it's
Lollipop and Jellybean.
Now it's Jellybean and Lollipop.
They're running neck and neck.
Come on, come on, Jellypop.
- You mean Lollipop.
- I mean Jellypop, I'm betting
- on the two of them.
- All right, quiet.
Now they're
rounding the turn for home.
It's Lollipop by a nose,
with Jellybean closing fast.
Come on, come on, somebody, come on.
They're in the stretch.
It's Lollipop pulling away now,
with Jellybean's jockey going to the whip
but he's pulling up now. It's
going to be a close finish.
Now they go under the wire,
and the winner, China Clipper.
Oh, boy, China Clipper,
we, China Clipper?
Ah, ah!
Straighten this thing out.
Look, look, only two horses
- in the race?
- That's right.
- Jellybean and Lollipop?
- That's right.
Put of a clear sky
China Clipper.
- That's enough. I quit.
- All right, but wait.
- That's enough.
- Wait a minute, boys,
now in the last race...
That was my last race.
- Just a minute.
- No more.
There's only one horse in the race.
I wouldn't bet if there
was no horses in the race.
My mother always told me
never to bet on horses.
How're you gonna lose
with one horse in a race?
I don't care if there
was no horse in the race.
What's the horse's name?
Come on, make yourself a fortune.
- Only one horse?
- One horse in the race.
One horse.
- Put $10 on the nose.
- $10 on the nose.
- Put $10 on the tail.
- $10 on the tail.
- Here's another $10.
- What for?
- Put it on the saddle.
- What's that for?
In case the horse comes in sideways.
Here's where we take
the rest of the bankroll.
Now, I got you.
There's only one horse in the race.
They're off in a bunch.
Off in a bunch, off in a bunch?
There's only one horse in the race.
How can they be off in a bunch?
There's only one horse in the race.
Get the other horses off the track!
Hey, you, the other horses,
get off that track, will ya?
At the 1/2, it's
Mattress and Going Strong.
Come on, Mattress, come on.
At 3/4, Mattress.
At 3/4, Mattress.
Now she's
coming into the stretch.
It's Mattress with only a furlong to go.
She's pulling away now as
Mattress comes down to the wire.
And the winner, Mattress.
Oh boy, I win.
I win.
I got a winner, woo!
Just a minute, folks,
it's a photo finish.
Photo finish.
How can it be a photo finish,
only one horse in the race?
Lollipop just
came in from the last race.
Beat it, boys, it's a raid.
A raid, what do you mean?
Somebody tipped off the cops.
- They can't do this to us.
- I'll take care of it, boys.
I thought this
job was gonna be safe.
Hurry out the back way.
Hold all bets till we get the results
of the photo finish.
You mean I still have a chance to win?
You said it.
Mattress wins by a nose.
Pay off the little drip $200.
Okay, but I smell a rat.
What're you looking at me for?
Excuse me, and don't forget
what Barnum said about suckers.
"You can fool some of the
people some of the time"
"and some of the time, most of the time,"
"somebody's got to get it,"
"one way or the other."
And another thing,
"You can lead a horse to water,"
"but you can still only
go 35 miles an hour."
Come on.
Here you are, Big Charlie,
here's your $100 back.
What, what, what happened?
The drip got the drop on the droop.
- Give me back my rod.
- Come on, come on,
- come on, come on.
- See?
Look, now that you've got enough money
to buy the horse, hold onto it.
I'm going inside here to
look at a telephone book
and find out where they sell horses.
And please don't let anyone
gyp you out of that money.
Nobody's going to chisel me out
- of this money, fella.
- All right.
I worked too hard to get this one.
How do you do?
- Hello, mister.
- Hi.
What a beautiful animal that is.
Where can I buy a horse like that?
That's funny.
I have just been wondering
to whom I could sell him to.
Are you kidding?
You want to sell him?
What a beautiful horse!
What's the letters on the saddle?
- P.D.?
- P.D.
Why, that's his initials.
He belongs to the John Law stables.
- A pedigree horse?
- Certainly.
I'll give you $100 for him.
Well, I don't know.
I love this little horse like a brother.
I'll give you my fishing rod besides.
- Well, you got a deal.
- Go ahead, there's a hundred.
Hey, brother.
- Yeah?
- Come here.
How do I know there's lots
of life in this horse?
Are you kidding?
If he doesn't move fast enough,
just blow that whistle
and you'll get action more than someone.
That's what I want to find out.
I want to find out if P.D.
has got plenty of spirit.
What happened?
What are you blowing that for?
Was there an accident?
What's the trouble here, fella?
What did you do now?
I just bought a horse.
That's a cop's horse.
Of course, anybody
knows it's a cop's horse.
I mean, after all, that's what that P.D...
- P.D.?
- Yes.
- A cop's horse.
- Certainly.
Hey, what's going on down there?
Leave that horse alone.
The other way.
Come on, get away from there.
Well, how do you like that? A
guy tried to steal my horse.
Can you imagine that?
What'd he look like?
He was a little, short, fat guy.
I saw him, Officer.
He was trying to take the horse out,
and he was blowing a whistle.
That's right.
He looked something like you,
only he was a little guy.
- Yeah, I'm tall, big.
- All right, break it up.
Break it, come on,
break it up around here.
Break it up.
How do you like that?
Come on!
You heard what the policeman
said, now break it up.
Break it up!
Everybody, go home.
How do you like that?
- Here.
- Yeah.
- This is yours.
- Thanks.
How could you be dumb
enough to buy a cop's horse?
Now you're broke again and
you still haven't got a horse.
Hey, wait a minute.
- How do you like the...
- No.
Excuse me, I'm awful sorry,
but does it say in those papers there
where you can get a good carriage horse?
No, these dope sheets just
give you the horse's records.
Like if a horse has an
X in front of his name,
- that shows he's a mudder.
- How can a he be a mother?
Ain't a she always a mother?
No, certainly not.
Sometimes a he makes a
better mudder than a she.
A he makes a better mother than a she?
How can you tell if a horse is a mother?
By looking at its feet.
Ain't we living in a wonderful age?
Woo, mother or father,
I gotta have a horse.
Yes, he wants a horse to pull a hack.
A hack horse?
Sure, you know the horse
that's Tea Biscuit's roommate,
his companion, as it were.
You mean Boimel?
I hear they're trying to give him away.
That's right. I read in the
papers where the first guy
that calls for him can have him.
- Give him away?
- Yes, sir.
- You can have him?
- Yes.
Oh, the Princess is gonna get a horse.
Where's this horse?
Up at the Empire track.
He used to pull a
carriage, didn't he, boys?
Oh, boy, thanks, fellas.
Come on, Grover.
Thanks a lot, boys.
- Hey.
- What?
I wonder if those guys was
kidding about that free horse?
I don't know.
See that light in the window over there?
Find out if there's anyone in.
Find out if anybody's there?
- Hey, anybody...
- Shh, here, here, here.
How are they gonna hear
me? They're way over there.
Well, walk over there.
- Knock on the door?
- That's it, knock on the,
no, don't knock on the door.
Look in the window.
- Sneak.
- That's it.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Well, you sound like just the type
of efficiency man I've been looking for.
Well, I don't like to
brag, Colonel Brainard,
but my last job was finished
in less than four hours.
It's quite a
responsibility, you know,
owning the world's fastest racehorse.
What's the matter, Warner?
Come here, come here, what's the matter?
- What's the matter?
- Let's get out of here.
What's wrong?
I just saw that guy,
Warner, from the restaurant.
What are you worrying about?
- Come on, come on.
- Now, listen.
You're down here to get a horse.
And you're going back with one.
There's your horse over there, Boimel.
Come on, let's go and get him.
Go ahead, get the horse.
Okay, excuse me, please.
I want to make, if you don't mind, huh?
I said, excuse me, please.
He's a dumb horse.
There you are.
I mean, after all, don't get tough.
What do you gonna do?
- Huh?
- What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna do this legitimate.
I owe you one horse.
Well, if you wanna be
that way, sign your name.
Then they got me.
No, no, no, come on,
your right name, your right name.
That's it.
All right, get the horse.
Well, I can swear, I just saw the face
of the man I hate the
most in all the world.
Oh well, this track is situated
in the country Washington
Irving wrote about.
Remember Sleepy Hollow?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, some night you're liable
to see the Headless Horseman around here.
Well, now, just the same,
I'm gonna take a look around.
Mind if I take this flashlight?
Not at all.
Uh-oh, we're stuck.
Hey, get that ladder.
We'll hide up here.
Hurry up.
Hurry up, put it down here.
- Go ahead, hurry up.
- All right, out of the way.
Hurry up.
All right, shh, quiet, quiet.
Will you get up here?
My feet.
This is no
time to monkey around.
Get, come on, get up here.
Come on, get up here, hurry up.
Come on up here, never mind that.
Come on, give me your hand.
Give me your hand, give me your hand!
- I'm coming up.
- Where are you going?
- I'm coming.
- Give me your hand.
Come on, come on, reach up here.
Where are you going?
- I'm coming.
- This way.
Come on, give me your hand.
Give me your hand, give me your hand!
It's over.
It's a fine time to plant ladders.
Come on, give me your hand.
Get up here, hurry up.
One, two, three, pull!
Hey, what are you doing?
Hey, Grover.
Grover, Grover!
Where did he... What
are you doing down here?
You're supposed to wait up
there and give me a hand.
Hold on there, hold on!
- Look out, here he comes.
- Okay.
Here he comes - Let's hide,
- Hide.
- Come here, come here.
- Come here, come here.
- Come here, give me a hand.
- Come here!
- Grab the blanket.
Grab the blanket, come here.
Come here, get a hold of
this, get a hold of this.
You can't get away from me that easy.
I saw you come in here now.
Come on out.
Get over there.
Get over!
Why, you, I'll teach you something.
I'll fix you.
Oh, oh!
All right, all right, hold still.
Come on!
Pull it off, right there, on one side.
Pull it out!
Come on, hey, come on.
Grover, Grover!
Turn on the light.
Oh, oh!
Turn on the light!
Come on,
Wilbur, this way, this way.
On the horse.
Headless Horseman.
Headless Horseman, oh!
He's a lovely horse, boys.
I'll never be able to
thank you enough, Wilbur.
That's all right, King,
wear it in good health.
Good morning, Pop.
Good morning, Princess.
Gee, you look wonderful this morning.
Thank you, my darling.
Gee, it's nice to see
the Princess happy again.
Now I can hold my head up.
- Come in here.
- Woo, ooh!
- Get in here.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
What's the matter?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's the matter?
Made in Japan.
That's the closest hit
they'll ever make around here.
What are you wearing?
What am I wearing?
- That's my hair.
- No, that there.
Oh, I just planted a victory garden.
Oh, get over there,
- and sit down, sit down!
- Don't hit, don't hit.
Paper, morning paper.
Thank you.
Don't you think you'd
better wash the dishes?
Gee, I never thought of that.
Tea Biscuit kidnapped?
Oh, no.
I still don't know where
you boys got that horse
but I'm proud of you.
Say, wen we go out for
a horse, we get a horse.
- You certainly do.
- Uh-oh.
Wilbur, where'd you get
that horse you gave to King?
- I...
- Come on, now, tell me.
Out with it.
Where did you get that horse?
Never mind that.
Wilbur, now, come on, tell me,
where did you get that horse?
Can I help it if horses
like Boimel follow me home?
If it were Boimel,
it might not be so bad.
- Look at this.
- Oh, I mean...
Hey, uh-oh, let me see that.
It's propaganda.
Propaganda, that's what it is.
Let me see that.
I mean, after all,
let me read it myself,
because I, it's my, I
made it myself, you know.
Tea Biscuit kidnapped.
Apparently the marauder
came to steal Tea Biscuit
but through an error
got into Boimel's stall,
but actually stole Tea Biscuit,
since Tea Biscuit was not in his own stall
but in Boimel's stall.
They can't pin it on me.
I mean, I can't help it if
they put the wrong horse
in the right place.
- Stall?
- Mm.
- For more time?
- Quiet.
Well, look, there's
only one thing to do,
put the horse back or all
of us will get into trouble.
She's right, boys.
Let's find the King and Tea Biscuit
before somebody recognizes him.
Hey, look, I'll tell you what I can do.
I'll get the horse, and
I'll put him in a truck,
and I'll send him down
to Grand Central Station,
and we'll send him away by slow straight.
- By what?
- By straight slow.
What are you talking about?
We'll send him up, send him out of town,
express, express, get rid of him.
Fine trouble you got
me into now, horse thief.
Gee, Grover.
Will you write to me in the guard house?
Sure I will.
Oh quit worrying.
Everything's going to be all right.
Look, pet, one, I got
exactly 42 hours left
to put a show together, and I got no show.
Two, the boys stole the
world's greatest racehorse,
and King O'Hara disappears with him.
The boys will be back
- with him any minute.
- You hope.
Stole the world's greatest race horse?
Here are the boys now.
Did you find out
anything about King O'Hara?
Yes, he's heading for Saratoga.
One of the other cabbies just told me
he was driving a drunk up there
with arthritis for the cure.
Now we're really in trouble.
You said it. Now we
gotta get that horse back
from King before he goes to jail.
And the most important thing
is we mustn't let the
Princess know anything
about how we got her father in a jam.
Ain't that right, Princess?
Because it would break her heart.
Break her heart?
Oh, Wilbur.
You didn't have to steal a horse for us.
Pop and I could have gotten along somehow.
I'm sorry, Princess. But
when we took the horse,
we didn't know it was Tea Biscuit.
We thought it was his playmate.
- The whole thing is a mistake.
- It won't be any mistake
when they take Pop to jail.
I feel terrible.
If I was a man, I'd cry.
Me too.
Oh, honey, you gotta
pull yourself together
and wipe those tears.
I want to save that big one right here
for some other time.
What are you all standing
here like dopes for?
We've got to get up to Saratoga
so we can keep her father
from going to jail.
- But Wilbur...
- You shut up.
I mean...
I got away with it.
Look, all I want to do is find out
who's got enough money for gas.
Don't look at me, all I got is troubles.
Honey, hiding anything
in your stockings outside
of those gorgeous legs?
Well, I haven't got a job.
I need a new pair of shoes,
and my rent is due Sunday.
But if $17 gets us to
Saratoga, it's yours.
Why, Kitty, why, I wouldn't think of it.
Why, $17 will buy enough
gas to get to Saratoga.
We're off for Saratoga.
- Come on.
- Okay!
What're you going that way
for? Saratoga is over this way.
Come on, we've got to pack our grips.
- Come on, hurry up.
- Oh!
Come on.
Come on, kids.
Hey, boys, we can't stay here.
This is one of the swankiest
hotels in Saratoga.
What's the difference, as
long as we ain't gonna pay?
Give me the bags, kids.
Well, we've still got four tires.
That's all.
We had four tires.
At least nothing else can happen.
Grover, there goes my car.
Never mind the car,
we've got work to do.
Princess, you check into this hotel.
Kitty and I will take all
the streets running north
and south while we look for Tea Biscuit.
Wilbur, you and Grover take
all the east-west streets.
- Okay.
- Okay, go on, hon.
Nice looking horse.
Ah, he's a beauty.
When my old horse died,
this one was gifted to me.
- Hey, King.
- Hey, King.
- Hello!
- Hello, Kingy.
Boy, am I glad to see you. I
miss ya, oh, Kingy, old boy,
best friend a kid ever had.
What a friend!
There is...
Hi, stranger.
Come here, son.
This is the lad what gifted me the horse.
He's a real friend.
Real friends are hard to find nowadays.
You two ought to hang together.
Yeah, he was in on it.
King, we thought maybe you'd like
to trade this horse in for a better one.
- Don't you think?
- No, sir,
I wouldn't trade him for Tea Biscuit.
- You don't have to.
- Shut up!
Say, he does look like Tea Biscuit.
You know, them stupid New York cops
are still looking for him.
If he was here in Saratoga,
I bet you I could lay my
hand on him just like that.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Burny, burny.
What do you mean, burny, burny?
That's a hot horse.
A hot horse?
Yeah, he was leaning
over a hot stove all day.
Well, you'd never find Biscuit pulling a hack, anyway.
You'd never find Biscuit pulling a hack.
Oh, no.
Hey, don't tip off the cop, will you?
I'm no stool pigeon.
- Stool pigeon?
- All right.
- All right, come on.
- No.
- This hack for hire?
- Sure, climb in, boys.
This plug will take you
wherever you're going.
He's a plug all right.
You can always tell a racehorse
by the way he reacts to a bugle.
So, you see, King, I didn't
know it was Tea Biscuit.
That's why we've got to get him back.
Yeah, it breaks my heart,
but it's the right thing to do.
Meantime, I have to keep him undercover.
Undercover, but where?
I know just the place.
This is absolutely 100% nuts.
Maybe you can afford
to turn down a reward
of 10 grand for Tea Biscuit,
no questions asked, but not me.
Sure, didn't we tell this little squirt,
Wilbur, about Boimel?
And ain't Tea Biscuit under the sheets
in Boimel's caboose that night?
And don't the landlady tell
us they suddenly hotfoot it
for the Oaks Hotel in Saratoga?
And ain't this the Oaks Hotel?
I'm telling you Tea Biscuit's up here.
And that blubber's got him by the tail.
Hey, ain't that Wilbur's taxi?
That it is.
Gentlemen, we are in the satchel.
Shall we register?
Why not?
Now, Mr. Warner, I hope
you can get this hotel
on an efficient basis
without undue loss of time.
You have nothing to
worry about, Mr. Doyle.
I assure you.
I wasn't on my last job
two hours and a half
before I got action.
Well, best of luck to you.
- Come here, come on.
- What're you doing?
Put that down, put that down.
What do you mean, what am I doing?
What are these things?
What you tell me yesterday,
to disguise the horse.
I put glasses on him.
Oh, come on, we've got to get going.
We've got to meet Kitty
- and Joe and the Princess.
- Yeah, I know that.
And we've got to get that horse back.
But I insist, Room 230
did order a bale of hay
and a bag of oats.
Well, my dear Hicks, I'm
only going to check up on this
in order to humor you.
What does that look like,
grass growing in a hotel corridor?
Well, it could be bird seed.
Uh-oh, look, Tea Biscuit,
hey, if anybody should ask you your name,
from now on it's Smith.
Hey, who is it?
- This is Smith.
- No, no, no, no.
Who is it?
Mr. Warner, the hotel manager.
Oh, Warner, that's.
That's it, that's all.
- That's enough.
- That's the guy
that's been haunting us.
Get over there and stall him.
I'll take the horse out the window.
Smith, Smith,
- don't forget. Smith.
- All right, go on,
stall him, stall him.
There's something phony here.
Use your pass key.
- Get in there.
- Hey, Grover, wait a minute.
- Go on and stall him.
- Wait a minute!
Lets you and I go out the window,
leave the horse here?
Go on over and stall him.
I mean, but...
No, no.
Get a hold of one of these feet.
We'll take him out.
Ah, sabi, sabi, you wish to see Yogi?
Hold your mouth, hold
your mouth, hold it.
I think we're going to
have some trouble here.
Go and get the house detective.
You cannot go in this room.
This is my wife's room,
Mrs. Yogi, Winnie Yogi.
Winnie, don't!
Don't, Winnie!
Your wife?
Why, you didn't register a wife!
I got married after we registered.
Oh, you did?
Well, get out of here, let me in there.
Don't push, don't push.
How do you do?
Sir, you have nothing to worry about.
As your wife's physician, I
predict a very healthy child.
Thank you.
What is that?
I told my wife if she
want boy, knock on wood.
A boy.
Isn't your wife pretty
active under the circumstances?
Oh, yeah, she's strong like a horse.
Like a horse?
She is a horse.
Hey, don't you call my horse a wife.
I don't go for that.
Now I know you.
Close the door.
I got it.
No need you hiding in there.
I'll stay here if it takes me all summer.
Just hold on to it. What's the matter?
Hold on to that door!
Come in.
Can I go through your window?
I'm the hotel manager.
They've got an unregistered
horse in the next apartment.
Did you say horse?
These parties next door with the horse,
one of them a little, fat guy?
And the other a hatchet face?
I think they'd answer
to that description.
Listen, citizen, we'd like
to talk to you for a minute.
We've got a way for all of us
to split up 10,000 sardines.
Come on, let go,
- I'll go in and see.
- No, no.
- Let go!
- No, don't.
Get your hand off that.
Come on, the coast is clear.
- I'll put my shoes on.
- Yeah, hurry up.
Oh, come on, Mr. Warner,
if you lock the boys
up, we lose the reward.
What do you say?
We take the horse, split the 10 grand,
and that gives you the
revenge and a good profit.
Well, I'd like to commit
mayhem on 'em, but...
Do it after we collect.
Yeah, advance us the
$200 so we can buy the nag,
and we'll pay you back
after we get the moolah.
It's a deal, boys.
Leave everything to me.
I know just what to do.
Don't tell me it's that guy again.
Let me in, boys.
It's all been a dreadful mistake.
Oh, boy, we can't get out of here
with that guy at the door.
And we can't take that
horse down the fire escape.
Hey, I got an idea.
If you don't open this
door, I'll call the cops.
What are you gonna do?
- Hello, this is Room 230.
- What're you doing?
- What do you want?
- I don't know, I don't know.
- Wait a minute.
- Oh, there it is.
Hello, this is Room 230.
Give me the room across the hall.
Hey, you, you better
stop beating that woman,
or I'll throw you out of this hotel.
Who's beating what woman?
I got no woman in my room.
Now, listen, you!
Don't talk back to me!
I'll punch you right in the nose!
Who is this talking?
This is the hotel manager.
Oh, the hotel manager, eh?
Well, I'll be right down to
get that punch in the nose.
Never mind!
You don't have to come down.
I'm right across the hall,
and I'm waiting for you, brother!
What is this all about?
Time will tell.
Are you the hotel manager?
Yes, sir, what can I do for you?
Hold this for me.
Come on, everything's clear.
Come on, Smithy.
Come on, guys, let's see what
makes with the high finance.
Opportunities is knocking.
Hey, something's gone wrong.
What's the matter?
- What happened?
- Yeah, what happened?
Here's Wilbur now.
- What kept you so long?
- What happened?
Never mind that, we've got
to get rid of this horse.
And the hotel manager saw us.
He had a scowl on his face just like this.
Smithy, show them.
That's the way he
looks. Come on, let's get.
Hitch him up fast.
The hack is around the corner.
Oh, here they come.
Wait a minute, boys.
It's all been a terrible mistake.
- I wanna talk to him.
- Just a minute.
- Yeah, we got business.
- What can we do for you?
- We don't want any trouble.
- We wanna buy that horse.
- Buy him?
- You can't buy that horse.
- That's...
- Shh.
I don't care who it is.
I'll give $500 for him and
take all the responsibility.
500 bucks?
That's the money for your show.
Come on, throw those pillows away.
- Shake a leg.
- Huh?
Shake a leg.
No, throw 'em away.
Hurry up, get in here, get in.
Hey, here comes Warner.
Where is he?
What're we waiting for?
Oh go ahead, kick my brains out.
Hey, driver, follow that
hack, follow that hack!
Yes, sir, right away.
- Here, hold on to him.
- Hang on, hang on.
Hey, Grover, that was quite
a bump, wasn't it, huh?
It must've been.
You ain't here.
Grover, hey!
Grover fell out!
Go on and drive, hurry up.
Hello, Grover.
Go on.
Fellow back
there wants to see you.
I don't know what you're saying.
Get a little closer, come here.
Fellow back there wants to see you.
- Watch out.
- Back where?
- Back there.
- Oh no!
- Watch out, Wilbur.
- Oh no!
Wilbur, come here, you stupid boy.
Ah, ah!
Oh, oh!
Ha, ha, get down here.
Whoa, oh!
- Go ahead, go ahead.
- I have it to the hilt.
There, you can pass him.
I think we're gaining a little bit.
Keep your eye on the road.
Fine place to unload
a bale of hay, isn't it?
They're not unloading
it, just watch out.
What's wrong now?
- What is he doing?
- I don't know.
Come on, over here, Tea Biscuit.
- Hey, here they come.
- Come on, will ya?
Here they come.
- Get off the tracks.
- They'll never make it.
- Wilbur!
- Uncle Wilbur!
Uncle Wilbur, look, a train, a train.
Oh, a choo-choo train.
- Come here, old boy!
- Hurry up, Uncle Wilbur!
Tea Biscuit, get off the
track, get off the track!
Just missed us.
Wilbur, Wilbur, where are you?
Go, boy.
Hurry up, will you, hurry up.
Make him go faster now.
- Are you all right?
- All right.
Come on, are you hurt, hon?
Thanks for the lift.
I thought we were stranded.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next race will be the
feature event of the day,
the annual running of
the Saratoga Handicap.
The winner will take down a
purse of approximately $50,000.
It's a capacity crowd here today.
But there's one sad
note in the festivities.
Colonel Brainard's great
horse, Tea Biscuit,
is still missing.
Must be some mistake, Colonel Brainard.
They got Tea Biscuit on the
tote board at 100 to one,
and the horse ain't even running.
No, there's no mistake, Shorty.
I entered him for sentimental reasons.
I just can't think of him as lost.
Well, come on, let's go
watch the race, Colonel.
No, not for me, Shorty.
I just haven't got the heart to watch it
without Tea Biscuit running.
Hey, listen, Tea Biscuit, I'm no jockey.
How do you like that?
Throws me up in the air and
then catches me, hmm-hmm.
He put a saddle on, too.
Come on, Tea Biscuit.
Hey, Eddie.
Why didn't you put a saddle on Rhubarb
- when you heard the bugle?
- I put a saddle on him.
Does this look like a saddle?
Now, hurry up.
Rhubarb, this is the first
time I've ever seen you
with nervous perspiration.
- We're here for this.
- Lead the way.
- Wait.
- We got to go.
Just a minute, who's
paying for the hack?
Oh, I'm the only one left.
I suppose I'll have to pay for it.
You wait for us.
We'll go back to them.
Come on, hurry up.
- Here we go.
- All right, in here.
Tickets, please.
Uh, Mr. Warner, the
big fellow in the back,
he has all our tickets.
- Mr. Warner.
- Come on, Princess.
- Tickets.
- Mr. Warner.
- Tickets.
- I haven't got any tickets.
Well, aren't these people with you?
Sure, they're with me.
I wanna get through with them, I...
- Well, there's nine of you.
- That's nine tickets, sir.
All right, can I pay you for it here?
Not here, sir, the ticket
office, right outside.
Oh, well, you wait here till I get back.
All right, Rhubarb,
they always said you looked
enough like Tea Biscuit
to be his twin brother.
Let's see you run as fast as he does.
The horses are now
leaving the saddling
enclosure for the running
of the Saratoga Handicap.
And here they come, on the track
for the parade past the grandstand.
Look, there's Uncle Wilbur!
Yo, hey, Grover, come here.
- There he is.
- Hey, you.
Hey, keep off the track now.
- Hey, come back here.
- Keep off the track.
- Come on, get back.
- Wait a minute,
you don't understand.
There's a horse in this
race that don't belong.
Yeah, that's what they all say.
- Now, get off the track.
- I'm warnin' you.
- Go behind the rail.
- Hey, Wilbur, Wilbur.
You'll have to get off the track.
Hey, that means you, too.
- Come on.
- Keep off the track
before someone puts a saddle on you.
Ladies and gentlemen, we
are repeating at this time,
that Tea Biscuit has been
entered in this race only
for sentimental reasons.
Colonel Brainard advises us
that his great horse is still missing,
and will not run in the race.
He asks that you do
not bet on Tea Biscuit.
I don't imagine anyone
in this crowd anticipates throwing away $2
on a horse that isn't gonna run.
But, you know what Barnum said.
It looks like he is in the race.
And with Wilbur riding him.
He's still the best
horse, even with Wilbur up.
What am I saying?
What am I, what am I waiting for?
Hey, Warner, do you want to buy
that horse that Wilbur's riding?
- I certainly do.
- How do I know you'll pay?
Well, you got my word for it.
Your word's not enough.
How about a deposit?
All right, $100?
$100 is all right.
All right, there's your
money, get me the nag.
You'll get it.
- Come on, Princess.
- Hey, where you going?
I've gotta see a man about a horse.
The pari-mutual
windows will be closed
in approximately three minutes.
There it is.
You wait right here.
Hey, hey, what's the great idea?
- Get back there.
- Just a minute.
Oh sakes, no, you don't,
not in my place here.
All right, all right, lady.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, please, mister,
we're just as anxious to
lose our money as you are.
That's a fine mess.
Hey, I've got an idea.
And they're now heading
for the starting gates to cross the field.
In just one minute the pari-mutual
windows will be closed.
- $100 on Tea Biscuit.
- Tea Biscuit?
You're nuts, he ain't running.
I know, sentimental reasons.
Well, I'm sentimental, too.
That's why I'm betting a
hundred bucks right on his nose.
Okay, it's your dough.
Excuse me, folks, I gotta go now.
Well, how do you like that?
The horses are nearing the starting gate
and starter Callahan is
getting them into position
for the big race.
Rhubarb, take it easy, Rhubarb.
They're having a little
trouble with Rhubarb,
but his jockey is calming him down, yes,
and he'll be moving into
position any second now.
Holy smokes! There's
only one horse I know
that's got a white mark on his left ear.
No wonder you acted like Tea Biscuit.
You are Tea Biscuit.
Now I know we're going to win this race.
As you know, this is
a mile-and-a-half race,
and the horses will pass
the grandstand twice.
Now all the horses are
in the starting gate,
except Happy Lady.
Let's take another quick
look at the tote board
before the horses are off.
Ladies and gentlemen, you
look at the tote board.
I see it, but I don't believe it.
Some admirer of Tea Biscuit
has just placed a bet
of $100 on him to win,
regardless of the fact
that the horse is not running.
No doubt Colonel Brainard
made the bet himself
for sentimental reasons.
Yes, sir, I think it's the first time
that Tea Biscuit has
been entered in a race
and only one pari-mutual
ticket was bought on him.
Now, back to that starting gate.
Happy Lady is standing
quietly in her stall,
and they should be on
their way any second now.
What are you doing
here? Get off the track.
What is this, a fox hunt?
Get off the track.
All lined up quietly.
And they're off!
That's him!
Come on.
What's that?
It looks like another
number five is in the race.
Look, if you win this race,
I'll introduce you to
a beautiful girl horse.
And it looks
like he's gonna pass.
- Come on, Wilbur.
- Come on, Wilbur, come on!
Get out of this race.
I'm collecting that $50,000 purse.
Think you're gonna win, huh?
I'll show you, smarty.
Come on, boy!
Now the mystery
horse pulls in the lead.
- Come on, Tea Biscuit!
- Who is it, who is it?
- Hurry up.
- Come on!
- Come on, Wilbur!
- Tea Biscuit!
Come on!
Tea Biscuit!
With Rhubarb
down far in the second spot.
Whoa, boy, whoa, whoa.
Number five's rider
just lost his jockey cap,
and he's going back to get it.
Put of the way, out of the way.
Get out, you two, out of the way.
You're gonna get hit.
- The other way!
- The horses are going
- this way, Wilbur.
- This way, Wilbur!
He's got it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, horsey!
- And there he goes around
the track, riding under the horse!
Brother, now I've seen everything.
Now Rhubarb flies on,
with Rhubarb in the lead.
Take the short cut.
There comes number five now,
across the fence.
Yes, and the rider is
still under the horse.
Now he's steeple chasing,
going over the hedges.
And the jockey's new course, a better way.
Around the far turn,
it's two, Rhubarb by a
head and Back Slayer,
and it's quite close.
The horses are coming on the far turn.
Now as the mystery horse leaps the fence
and stands there, waiting for them.
The horses are in the stretch.
It's between the two fliers.
One to lose by Rhubarb and this one here.
Now hunting down toward the finish line,
with number five in the
lead by five lengths.
No, wait a minute, wait
a minute. He's stopping!
- Look at him.
- Oh.
99 to one?
Let's wait till it gets up to 100.
And there they
go across the finish line.
The winner, Rhubarb by a length,
Passing Fancy second...
It ain't fair.
It ain't fair, I tell you,
I mean, I was only looking up...
I did it again.
- Come on, there he is.
- Yeah, there he is.
Watch out, Princess.
Here comes Mr. Warner.
He wants to see you.
Oh, how dare you strike
me with a child in my arms?
Now wait a minute, he wants
to give you $500 for this horse.
- For stealing it?
- No.
No, no, I'm giving you
$500, so I can recover him.
Here's your $400.
With the $100 advance I gave
your partner, that makes 500.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Warner.
And from now on, he's gonna be your horse.
He ain't mine anymore.
Tea Biscuit,
Mr. Warner will introduce
you to that girl horse.
What a horse!
Must be girl crazy.
- Hey, wait for us.
- Hold on a minute.
- Wait for us.
- Come on, give Joe the money.
- What for?
- Well, you know what for.
- For the show.
- Certainly.
Here you are, Joe, for the show.
Thanks, boys, that's great.
I've got just enough
time to fly to New York
and bring everyone up here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please hold your pari-mutual tickets.
There's an inquiry into the
result of the last race.
Colonel Brainard, that wasn't
Rhubarb that won the race.
That was Tea Biscuit.
They're holding up the mutual payoff.
Oh, you're drunk, Shorty.
Why, I just paid that man,
Warner, $10,000 reward
for returning Tea Biscuit.
Then you got gypped.
You know that broken
back tooth Rhubarb has?
Well, the horse that
won the race ain't got it.
Get me the First National Bank.
I want to stop payment
on a check, but fast.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have the results
of the inquiry into the last race.
The winner was not Rhubarb.
But the track officials have asked me
to announce that all those holding tickets
on Rhubarb will have their money refunded.
Now don't ask me, how, when, or why,
but the winner was the
one and only Tea Biscuit.
Wouldn't I like to be the
holder of the only ticket
that was bought on Tea Biscuit?
Because that lucky gent is gonna
collect himself exactly $10,000.
Fine day this has been.
The greatest racehorse in the world goes
to the post at 100 to
one, and loses the race.
Thanks to you.
I guess he was carrying too much weight.
Yeah, sure.
Look, do you see that?
Opportunity, torn in
half, and out the window.
All your fault.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, you should be sorry.
And I don't like to bawl you
out like this all the time.
Don't bawl me out anymore, Grover,
because every time you do, it hurts me.
I know it does.
I know it's not your fault.
I know I do a lot of wrong things.
Well, we'll forget about it.
But be a good boy from now on.
Do things right, then I
won't have to bawl you out.
I'm gonna get up on the right side
- of the bed from now on.
- That's the boy.
As long as you do things right, we,
ah, look what you're doing.
There, you see?
You're starting it all over again.
Go answer the door, it might be Warner.
It won't do no good. We're
signed up with Universal.
Go answer the door!
Wilbur, it's Kitty, let me in.
Yes, Wilbur, this is Colonel Brainard.
I'm Tea Biscuit's owner.
I'm looking for Grover Mockridge.
Grover Mockridge?
He's not here. He's got
nothing to do with it.
Furthermore, I did it all
by myself, I and I alone.
Well, if he's the gentleman
who bought the $100 ticket
on Tea Biscuit, he wins $10,000.
He wins $10,000?
When Grover hears this, he'll faint.
He heard it.
Grover, Grover!
Grover, wake up.
You're a $10,000 millionaire.
Will you go away and
let me die in peace?
You know I threw the
tickets out the window.
He did, didn't he?
Move over.
Wilbur, isn't that the ticket there?
- I got it.
- Come here.
- I got 'em.
- Come here.
I got 'em!
I had 'em.
- Oh.
- He's got them.
That's $20 apiece, huh?
$20 apiece?
I'll give you $30.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Thank you for the
lovely present, Wilbur.
It was a pleasure, Mr. O'Hara.
Finnegan III's a splendid beast,
and the carriage is the finest
I've ever driven in me life.
Where to, gentlemen?
To the Oaks Hotel ballroom.
Don't spare the horses.
Well, Warner, lucky for us
you're in the money again.
Well, a blind sow picks
up an acorn now and then.
Congratulations, Warner.
Mr. Warner, it seems you
and I have made a serious mistake.
The horse you returned to
us was not Tea Biscuit.
Naturally, under the circumstances,
we've had to stop the
$10,000 check we gave you.
It seems we had Tea Biscuit
in our stables all the time.
Isn't that amusing?
And I already gave those
three hoodlums their cut.
I've been robbed.
Look here, you tricked me.
You sold me the wrong horse.
I didn't even know
it was the wrong horse.
You bought the horse he rode.
The lad's quite right, let me explain.
Never mind about trying
to explain anything to me.
I don't even know you.
I'm out $7,000, and you guys have got it.
Now I want it.
- Try and get it.
- Hey, hey!
Look, you're the cause
of the whole thing.
You sold me the horse.
Well, I'll get my money back
if I have to take it out of your hide.
- Hide?
- Yes, hide.
That's an excellent suggestion.
- You're it.
- I can explain everything.
Gangway, gangway!
Come on!
Get up, hurry up.
Come here, come here, hurry up.
I know where to hide.
Take these.
Here, here, come here.
- Wait a minute, Mr.
- Warner, don't get excited.
See here, I gave you
fellas $500 for that horse.
You won $10,000 on it.
That's my money, and I want it.
Mr. Warner, we'll toss you for it.
That's fair enough with me.
Toss me for it.
- Okay, Grover.
- All right.
Hey, wait!
How do you think he
landed, heads or tails?
Who cares?
That's what I say.
Woo, am I lucky!
Rubber, good rubber!