It's a Disaster (2012) Movie Script

( "1812 OVERTURE")
WOMAN: Oh! Oh!
MAN: What?
The song.
The song?
The... the song...
uh, the "1812 overture."
The... the finale
from "1812 overture."
What about it?
Well, you just... it was
building to the big finale,
And you cut it off right before it ended.
Oh, god. I'm sorry.
Oh, no. Please don't be sorry.
No, I'm just being stupid.
It's... it's just that
whenever a song comes on,
If it... if it's building to, like,
the big chorus or whatever,
And if it gets cut off, then I
feel unfulfilled psychologically.
Oh. Huh.
You don't get that?
I guess I haven't really
thought about it.
You didn't want to hear
how it ended?
I've heard it before.
No, I'm sure you have.
You didn't want to hear it
just now?
No... I mean, yeah. Sure. You
want me to put it back on?
Oh, no, no. Please, no. Then we'd be
sitting in a car listening to a song...
Guess what? I want to hear it now.
MAN ON RADIO: Maybe during our
previous membership campaign,
You stood on the sidelines and
said "I'll wait to call in"...
Right. We were listening
to the radio.
The radio.
Yeah, it's the radio.
MAN ON RADIO: Wait no more.
There's a pledge drive
right now.
We can go inside now.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
(HORN HONKS) Oh, could you...
Oh, sorry. Uh...
(CHIRPS) Sorry. You
have to... all right.
That should do it.
Ahh! Right.
Can I, uh, help you with it?
No, no. I got it.
(HONKS) Hope you like it.
Have you made it
for brunch before?
Not vegan. No. Lexi's gone vegan,
so everyone has to suffer.
And... and Lexi is, uh, Peter's wife?
Lexi is Buck's wife.
Emma is Pete's wife.
Okay. Yes.
All right.
If Lexi and Buck
start singing songs,
Just nod and smile and pretend it's good.
One more thing. Don't say anything
about Shane and Hedy's wedding.
Shane and Hedy.
Shane and Hedy... no wedding.
Long story.
( POP) Hi.
Okay. Hi, hon.
So this is him?
I'm Emma.
Ooh. Good choice.
Great. Come in, kids.
Wow. This place is great.
Thank you.
Do you, uh, rent or own?
We are proud homeowners.
We got it really cheap because there
was a murder-suicide in the kitchen.
Oh, really?
Technically, the couple died in the
ambulance on the way to the hospital.
But the real estate agent said
everybody else was spooked away.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. I'm Hedy.
This is Glenn.
Glenn. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Can I, uh, take your coat? I'm putting
it upstairs on the bed in the bedroom...
- And we've also hired her as our
coat-check girl. - Oh, congratulations.
Yeah. Good. Please remember to tip her.
She gets real mad.
(CHUCKLES) I'm serious.
Do you want me to put that on the table?
I'll just put it in the kitchen.
Jenny and Gordon
aren't here yet.
We're not waiting for jenny and Gordon to eat?
No. We'll give them till 12:30.
'cause jenny and Gordon are notoriously late.
Oh. I got friends like that.
No, they're worse.
WOMAN: Tracy! Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Hey, how are you. Pete?
Pete, Glenn.
Yeah. Glenn. Welcome to our humble abode.
Oh, thanks. It's adorable.
Oh! I've heard so much about you.
Oh, thanks.
This is Lexi.
Oh. Oh, the vegan.
The vegan? That's how she refers to me?
I'm the vegan?
No. No, 'cause we were
talking about the stew.
She just mentioned... yeah.
Right. Honey, I told you you didn't
have to make anything different.
I'd be fine. I didn't want
you to feel left out.
If I didn't want to be left out,
I wouldn't be a vegan, right?
Well, I made it,
and it's delicious.
I'm not even hungry, so...
it's really good.
You kids are so cute.
Oh, thanks for coming.
Do you want a drink?
Uh, yes, please.
(WHISPERING) Sorry about that.
Bring your soup?
Uh, started a soup.
Oh, yes, I've been there. Um,
babe, I put your coat on the bed.
So whenever you're ready to put
the phone away. I got this.
Um, you've got, like, five minutes.
No, I've 25 minutes.
We've been here for 15. It
starts when we get here.
No, it starts when
we were talking about it.
Babe, I'm in the middle
of an auction.
Can you just say hi to Glenn?
Human interaction.
Can I help you? No, I got it. Please, relax.
Do you want a mimosa?
Okay. You sure that you don't need my help?
Yeah, I got it.
Uh, Glenn, a mimosa? Oh, no...
I think Glenn looks like a man that
appreciates the finer things in life.
How about a scotch?
Uh, sure.
All right. These snap
peas are the shit.
He's cute.
Can you behave please?
What? What did I do?
Literally, we just walked in the door and
you're already picking a fight with me.
How is that different from every
other time we see each other?
I'm on a date, and I'm
trying to impress the man.
What number date is this, Tracy?
Oh, wow. If we make it to
number five, we'll be golden.
What is that supposed to mean?
Just that usually you cut them off
before that. You check the scores?
I don't know.
Are you online?
I'm on eBay.
Why are you on eBay?
He's trying
to get a comic book.
No, it's not just a comic book.
It's colorful.
Um, it's a near-mint
X-Men, 120.
The first appearance
of Alpha Flight.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
What is an Alpha Flight?
It's a Canadian superhero team
from Marvel comics.
There's a Canadian superhero team?
Who do they fight...
Quebec secessionists?
No. This guy has it on sale for five
dollars, and it's worth over 160.
Wait, 160 U.S.?
Wait. Where did you say that you
met Glenn, at the hospital?
At the grocery store.
Where'd you and Tracy meet?
Online. Well, no shame in that.
That's where we found our vet.
That's great.
That's really good.
Yeah, it'll help you get through this.
I'm sorry. What?
Couples brunch. Oh, no. I'm
looking forward to it.
Can I ask you a question, Glenn?
If you had to call someone up,
tell them some bad news,
Would you tell them right away
or would you chitchat first?
Chitchat. Yeah. You know, small talk.
"how you doin'?"
No, I...
"what's goin' on?"
I know. I know. "Nice weather.
Just... it's crazy."
Right, right. No, um...
Uh, well, I suppose it would depend
on the severity of the bad news.
Hmm. What do you mean?
Uh, well,
If I'm calling to let somebody
know that, um, you know,
A family member passed away,
then no chitchat.
I wouldn't beat around the
bush with that. Right.
Um, but if I was calling
to let them know that, uh,
You know, they didn't get an
apartment, then, yeah, chitchat.
Yeah, you know...
Talk a little bit. You in the
apartment rental business?
No. No, I'm a teacher.
So why do you call people and tell
them they didn't get an apartment?
I... I don't.
I'm sorry. I thought the
conversation was hypothetical.
No, the conversation
is real, Glenn.
The problem is hypothetical.
Hey. Are we gonna talk about
this, or are you just gonna...
You need something?
No, I'm okay.
I can't get a signal in there.
You getting a signal? Hmm?
On your phone?
Well, feel free to use my
computer in the living room.
Oh, I don't want to
interrupt brunch. Mmm.
I got nothing.
Very considerate.
Um, well, the reception
back here is pretty spotty.
You might want to try
the front porch. Okay.
I can drink this out there? Yeah.
Of course you can. Why would you...
Emma, we need
to talk about this.
So Glenn agrees with me.
About what?
That it's better to just
rip the band-aid off.
What did you tell him? I
didn't tell him anything.
I just asked him
a hypothetical question.
Well, he's not stupid, Pete. He's
gonna know what you're asking for.
We just met the guy. How is he gonna
have any idea what I'm asking for?
And how... how do we know
he's not stupid?
(SIGHS) We had an agreement.
Yeah, well, agreements change.
No, they don't.
That's why they're agreements.
This is awkward.
Well, deal with it.
Yeah. I'll deal with it.
(BEEPING) Damn. I bet
this game is so good too.
I got nothing.
Me neither.
I'm with AT&T. How about you?
I have no idea.
But I will ask this young lady to
use her phone. Mom, slow down.
No, I'm not at home. No,
I'm not watching the news.
Excuse me, miss?
Hey, can I, uh, borrow
your phone real quick?
I'm currently on the phone.
Oh, okay. I'll wait.
What's his name?
Could you not...
What's his name?
Mom? No, I didn't...
he's cute.
Would you not...
Come on. He loves it.
One of them, kinda.
Hey. Hey.
Oh, can I... miss?
All right, well, see ya.
Oh, god.
I'm so allergic to dogs.
Next to the place
where I get my pedicure...
Is this vintage store
that opened up.
I know you guys think I have the worst
fashion sense ever, but I did find...
- I like vintage.
- I found this really awesome bag.
Except for the mothballs. I think
you'd... I think you'd really like it.
- You usually get the bags that I buy.
- An evening bag or a bag bag?
A bag bag. Do you want to
come upstairs and see it?
I'll... I'll just be right back.
Mmm! Good carrots.
You want to see
my glockenspiel?
Oh, you're, uh, referring to
the musical instrument? Yes.
(CHUCKLES) What else
would I be referring to?
No, I don't...
uh, 'cause... yeah.
Tracy had mentioned that, uh, you
and Buck, uh, perform. Oh, yeah.
We perform all right.
If you behave yourself at brunch
today, maybe we'll let you tap it.
Do you bump?
Hmm? Excuse me?
Bump. It's an App.
Oh, yeah. Oh, the thing with
the... the information sharing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You want to try it?
Yeah. I'm not sure what,
uh... how that works.
This one?
Uh, all right. I don't think
you have to actually hit it.
Hmm. I'm not getting
any signal at all.
No connection. Awkward.
All right... ohh! Ohh!
I said you don't have to...
What is goin' on here?
Are you guys bumping?
We were bumping.
Glennzo, are you bumping my wife
behind my back? What's going on here?
Their screens aren't even protected.
That is gross. Oh, Glenn.
Ooh, is that humus? Yes. Vegan, yes.
Uh, where's Hedy and Tracy?
They are upstairs in the bedroom
eating each other out.
You ever seen Black Swan, Glenn?
I told you it's so big. It's super big.
But there's so many flaps.
- The flaps just get in the way.
- I know what you mean.
- You're like...
Did I say something funny?
Why? What happened?
Uh... uh, Lexi
had made a joke,
Uh, that,
Uh, you and Hedy were
upstairs in the bedroom...
Having a lesbian relationship.
LEXI: Yeah!
It sounds so gross
when he says it.
- Lesbian. Oh, that one.
- Why? It would be hot.
- So, uh, Glenn, what do you do?
- He is a teacher.
- Yes.
- Oh, my god. Me too.
Tracy didn't tell you that? I, uh...
she's a teacher. I didn't... not yet.
What grade do you teach? Uh, fourth.
History. And you?
Um, 12th.
Mostly A.P. Chemistry.
But now this semester, they're letting me
do a little bit of conceptional physics.
GLENN: Oh, boy.
What are you...
an animal?
So what school are you at?
- St. Andrew's elementary.
- Is that the one by the mall?
GLENN: Yes. She
loves the mall.
Oh, it's fun.
I love the mall.
EMMA: It's a good school.
What school do you...
- I'm at M.L.K. Downtown. - Oh, I thought they
closed that down after the shooting. No?
Because some of us teachers got together
and we rallied and we got a charter.
So... and it actually made me a bit
of an administrator on campus.
- You didn't tell me that.
- But it's an un...
They're unpaid.
Unpaid administrators.
If it was about the money, I would have taken
the job at the national science foundation.
- Right? Am I right?
- Right. Right, yeah.
I'm right.
Emma, I'm sorry to do this,
but this isn't working.
- Are you still cool with me using your
computer? - Yeah. Go for it, totally.
No, come on.
What? What?
Do you have to do that right now?
Babe, I'm dying here right now.
Okay? I mean,
you remember the guy...
Who found the declaration of independence
for five dollars at a garage sale?
You're not the guy who found the
declaration of independence.
I'm about to though. And I don't
know what's going on, all right?
Shane, as long as you're
disrupting the brunch,
I would like to vote we go in there
and check out the score in the game.
No. We have it on the dvr.
Just watch it when we get home.
It's not like watching the game live.
Hey, guys. Guys, seriously.
SHANE: I don't care. I think
the men would all agree that, uh,
We'd love to go in there and
check on the score of the game.
BUCK: I would second that.
- Score of what game?
- The U.T. Game.
- Hook 'em, horns.
- GLENN: Oh, right. Right.
- No, that's the devil sign.
- You guys go watch the fucking game already.
- Yes, please.
Great idea. Yeah. Sure. Let's eat.
Have fun, honey.
Lexi, I'm not gonna resist a lady's offer.
Come on.
Glenn, you'd better go. It's
gonna get all vaginal in here.
Okay. All right. New word, please.
She can't say the v-word.
No, I can say it. I
know it's... (LAUGHS)
I can say it. I just...
you can go.
Is it okay? Um, is it okay to go?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay. I just
wanted to...
(STATIC) Bye, Glenn.
He's so cute.
He just asked for
your permission to get up.
He's so cute. I'm gonna
introduce him to my father.
Okay. Wait.
I want to know
what happened to brad.
It turned out
he was fucking crazy.
- What?
- Right.
He didn't seem crazy.
What do you mean right? How can
every guy you ever date...
Turn out to be crazy? They just do.
I don't know. I really know how to pick 'em.
Are you saying it's me?
- No, no. - What was crazy
about him? How was he crazy?
Perfect example.
I needed some mouthwash.
So I'm at his apartment, and
I open the medicine cabinet,
And there are giant glass jars of
nail clippings and human hair.
- Ew!
- Wait, that's not crazy.
His or someone else's?
Does it even matter?
Well, I asked him about it, and he said,
"I don't know. That's just how I was raised."
- Well, that makes sense.
- No, that's not right.
Wait. Whoa! Whoa! He doesn't
know any difference.
It's disgusting. Why were you looking
for mouthwash at his apartment?
Oh, we just went right
over that part, didn't we?
Because I am a lady, and I
like to have fresh breath.
It's just... all right.
PETE: Do you have picture?
BUCK: Nope. Not yet.
Hey, who's, uh... who's this other
guy in the picture with Tracy?
That's, uh...
No, that's roger.
Uh, that is roger.
Yeah. He was a good guy.
I liked him.
BUCK: He was cool.
SHANE: Yeah, that was short-lived though.
Hey, guys, I don't mean to freak your minds
out, but I have $65 riding on the game today.
(PETE WHISTLES) Hey, uh, Glenn.
No need to tell the ladies
that, all right?
Yeah. Right.
Pete, your internet's out too.
What? Yeah, well,
one thing at a time.
Uh, Pete, how long
y'all been married?
Eight years.
Lexi and I actually met
at their wedding.
She was a bridesmaid,
and I was in the band.
And he was told not once but
twice by the wedding planner...
To stop fraternizing
with the guests. Yeah.
And rules are made
to be broken, dude.
If I hadn't broken your stupid
rules, where would I be today?
Probably someplace where
the internet's working.
And how long have you
and Lexi been married?
Eight years.
But I thought you said...
but you met at the...
Sang on a Saturday, sexed on
a Sunday, married on Monday.
It's true.
Dude, look, when I met Lexi,
I knew that she was the one and
that it would be perfect together.
And we didn't give a shit
what our parents or sponsors...
Or anybody else
had to say about it.
We marched on down to city hall
and we laid it to rest.
That's great. Congratulations.
She seems like a great gal.
Then we went to a T.G.I.F.
Fridays, got wasted,
Consummated in the bathroom.
There... that...
that place is fun.
How long have you
and Hedy been...
I, uh...
Oh, uh, no, we're not married, uh, yet.
We're engaged.
Oh, great, great, great.
How long you been engaged?
Uh, six years.
You've been engaged
for six years?
Yeah. Just 'cause
two people get engaged...
Doesn't mean they have to
get married right away.
- No, no. Of course... - And there's
no need to succumb to pressures...
- Just 'cause society says you should.
- Totally agree with...
I think that you should set the
date when the time is right.
You know, when both people
are secure in their careers...
And can afford a nice home and,
uh, you want to start a family.
Yeah, and cars can fly.
What was that?
I think, uh...
I think Hedy's getting pretty
close to setting a date.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're the one
who's... oh.
Oh, I mean, it's not you.
It's... what I meant...
Well, you know how, uh, traditionally,
the... the... (STAMMERING)
Uh, hey, where is the... yeah.
Oh, sure. Sure. It's
upstairs to the left.
Upstairs to the left.
To the left.
What's traditional?
Hey, don't forget to jiggle the handle.
It'll just keep running.
You should just maybe change the channel.
Maybe it's just the one station.
No, I really tried everything.
Uh, did somebody forget to pay
the cable bill this month?
It's not that. We have the
whole bundle, package thing.
Internet, TV, land line.
Who still has a land line?
- It's for faxing.
- Who still faxes?
The guy who owns this TV
still faxes.
Got nothing here. That
makes sense, yeah.
you fucking kidding me?
LEXI: We're walking out of the place,
And this guy comes up to us, and
he's, like, "do you want some blow?"
As if he had heard us talking about it
inside! Like an angel or something.
No, I think they're called drug dealers.
So we gave him some dough, and he
hooked us up with some primo shit.
We hung out with the white
lady till, like, 7:30.
Wait. When was this?
Last night.
- Are you kidding?
- No.
- Did you sleep?
- No. I'll sleep when I'm...
Well, you're gonna sleep
when you're dead.
How many times do we have to tell
you how bad cocaine is for you?
All your little angels
shot down.
You'd think I'd stop telling my drug
stories to doctors and chemistry teachers.
Yeah, you'd think,
but you still do it.
And if you want to sing, it's gonna
fuck up your whole nasal cavity.
Really? You didn't
pay the bills?
- What are you talking about? - You knew you
were moving out so you didn't pay the bills.
- What?
- What?
I paid the bills like I
pay them every month...
Because you're
too lazy to do it.
Well, then why is our internet,
cable and land line out?
- Who has a land line?
- It's for faxing.
Emma, why are you moving out?
Do you honestly think that I
am so childish that, what,
I would purposely sabotage
your new bachelor pad? Yeah.
I think you'd think
it's hilarious.
I bet you didn't pay the electric bill
because you thought it would be funny...
If I bumped into shit
in the dark.
I paid the goddamn
electric bill.
- I had nothing to do with this.
- Of course not.
Hey, bro, I think your power's out.
Yeah, you fucking think?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- They're fighting.
The electric company? Don't waste
your time, man. It's not worth it.
Emma, why are you moving out?
Whoa, wait.
Emma's moving out?
That's what she said.
- Well, ask her.
- Why?
- I never said I was moving out.
- I did.
So you're moving out? No, I
said that Emma's moving out.
Because we're
getting a divorce!
I thought you wanted to wait
until the end of brunch.
Well, I guess someone let the
cat out of the fucking bag...
When he revealed
I was moving out.
So you really didn't pay the electric bill?
No, I paid the fucking bill!
You guys know
the power's out, right?
(TOGETHER) We know!
Did I miss something? Pete and
Emma are getting a divorce.
Really? Why?
Okay. You know what?
This is not how this was
supposed to go down. Yeah.
We wanted to wait until the
end of brunch to tell you,
But we've just decided
that it's what's right.
That's really vague.
EMMA: Well, it's complicated, Lexi.
Marriage is complicated.
You know that.
So it's a mutual thing.
PETE: Yeah.
It's not like one of us caught the
other one cheating or anything.
This isn't happening. No,
you're not getting a divorce.
No, you'll still see us,
okay? Just not together.
Well, you know, maybe physically
together, but not together together.
But what we don't want
is people picking sides.
We really want to remain
close friends with all of you.
Yeah. Unless some of you feel very
strongly about one of us over the other.
Tracy, for instance,
If you want to stay in touch with Emma
and completely shut me out of your life,
- I'd understand.
- No, Pete, I would never.
Just, you know, think about it. You
don't need to make a decision now.
So does this mean brunch is over?
Do you want us to leave?
Shane, they just told us
they're getting a divorce,
- And you're still thinking about Alpha Force?
- Alpha flight.
I honestly didn't know
if they wanted us to leave,
Because I have a feeling it's about
to get a little uncomfortable.
Oh, do you have that feeling?
Which is exactly why I wanted to wait
until after we ate to bring this up.
(SIGHS) You know what?
He's right. It is about
to get uncomfortable.
But I'll be the one
who's leaving.
Oh, hey, I think the power's out.
Shut the fuck up, Glenn!
I am so sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I'm under a lot of stress right
now, and I'm taking it out on you.
Glenn, you got to jiggle the handle.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, did you suddenly
want to talk in private now?
Emma, come on.
You can't leave.
How many times are we gonna
have this conversation?
No, right now. You can't leave right now.
This is the last time we're all gonna be
together like this. (SIRENS BLARING)
The last of our famous
couples brunches.
Have you ever,
in the last eight years...
No. You know what? Let's go
farther back when we were dating.
So let's say 12 years. Have you
ever in the last 12 years...
Truly looked forward to one
of these couples brunches?
Well, what do you mean
"looked forward to"?
Look, Emma, you didn't even
pack any socks.
Well, I'll buy more.
Where are you gonna go?
It doesn't matter.
Maybe, uh... no, she's not
supposed... that's not the point.
The point is that she...
or toothpaste.
I'll get them at the same store
where socks are sold. Emmers, wait!
Don't call me that!
Um, enjoy my quiche.
Um, there's a...
there's a man...
- A man?
- He's wearing a hazmat suit.
It's Hal.
- What?
SHANE: - Who's Hal?
- He's our neighbor.
- Does he always wear a hazmat suit?
What does Hal want?
EMMA: I don't know.
Is there a reason to be afraid of Hal?
No, he's nice.
I mean, he doesn't mow his
lawn enough, but I don't...
Can I suggest that
maybe we let him in...
And then we can find out
what he wants, from his mouth.
Hey, Hal.
Hey, Hal.
You guys having a party?
Just brunch.
Oh, that's cool.
I guess I missed my invite.
It's a couples thing.
Oh. Oh, okay. So I invite you
guys to all my game nights,
My barbecues, but since Linda left me, I
guess I don't even socialize anymore.
No, Hal, we didn't... no, we
never intended to... I mean...
Hal. Hal, why are you
wearing a hazmat suit?
Are you kidding?
You really don't know
you're wearing a hazmat suit?
- You guys haven't heard?
- Heard what?
That a bunch of dirty bombs
were set off downtown.
Uh, what's a dirty bomb, bro?
It's a radiological weapon.
It combines radioactive material
and conventional explosives.
I'm sorry. Is this like...
are you joking?
No. I was watching the U.T.
Game, and the news cut in.
You guys didn't notice that the power and
the cell phones and land lines all went out?
You just thought you
forgot to pay your bill?
Wait. So how many bombs?
What was the blast radius?
Five or six.
It was right downtown.
Oh, my god. It took out half
the financial district.
- Most of Messenier Park.
- Oh, I love that park.
God, I hope
the taffy guy is okay.
That's like...
that's like 12 miles away.
If five or six... yeah. Then
the national news cut in.
They said there were attacks on
Los Angeles, New York, Orlando.
And they were about to
say more, but the TV cut out.
Orlando? Someone thinks Orlando is on
par with New York and Los Angeles?
Did they say
who did set them off?
Were there any ships or...
- Ships? - You know, were the
attackers not of this earth?
Anyway, the radiation cloud
is probably coming.
So I would recommend that you guys
probably tape up your windows,
Close the air vents,
put on your hazmat suits.
Who the fuck has a hazmat suit?
I have a hazmat suit.
Hal, if we're supposed to stay inside,
then what are you doing here?
Batteries in my emergency flashlight died,
so I was gonna see if you had any extras.
What kind of batteries?
I don't... what do you even
use "d" batteries for?
Emergency flashlights.
Do you want to check?
We don't have any.
Yeah. No.
Okay. Well, you guys enjoy
your couples-only brunch.
Yeah, wait, wait, wait. You can't
just leave us here like this.
Yeah, I can.
So that just happened.
Whoa! That was awesome!
Who is that dude?
It's finally going down.
It's going to be fine.
I just need my Adderall.
Well, I guess
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay. Uh, all right. Uh, we
heard what he said. Right?
- We need to secure the house. - Okay,
you don't actually believe that guy, do you?
He's probably just huffing some
paint fumes in his garage...
And making this up
to screw with us.
No, it makes sense.
It's invasion 101.
You cut off all lines of communication
to keep the locals confused.
Radio! If this is for real,
it'll be all over the radio.
What about the one my mom
got us for Christmas?
- No. I sold that at a garage sale.
- What? Why?
Because we already have a clock by the
bed, and that one was really ugly.
- When did we have a garage sale? -I had one
when you were in Singapore for your convention.
- You had a garage sale when I was out
of town? - I did! You keep everything!
Another radio? Guys, do
you have another radio?
Is there another radio
besides that one?
How about some of us
look for a radio...
And the rest of us gather supplies
so we can seal up the house?
And if some of us just want to
chill, that's... that's cool too.
(SIGHS) I'll keep
an eye on the window.
All right.
When was the last time we cleaned this?
This is ridiculous.
Oh, my god.
"d" batteries. Oops.
You guys have enough rat poison
down here to kill Chuck E. Cheese.
What is the deal?
Costco is the deal.
Ohh! No.
Oh, sweet!
You found a radio!
(GRUNTS) Check it out.
I don't think that's gonna help
out in our current situation.
Can we just focus
on the task at hand?
What if a bunch of marauders come and
we need to whack them with something?
- God! There's so much spackling tape!
- Hey. Hey.
It's gonna be all right.
Hey, why didn't you tell me?
About what?
About the divorce.
Is this really the time to be
having his conversation?
- How long have you known?
- I don't know. A couple of months.
A couple of months? Yeah. Well,
divorce is complicated...
And it takes a lot of research.
You have to be legally separated. You
have to fill out all these forms.
There's just... there's a lot
of bureaucratic bullshit.
- So then you knew when we had our...
- Yes, of course I did.
Nah. That's cool.
Holy crap.
Are you disappointed?
- You're disappointed.
- Eh.
What? You get, like, more
philandering points or something...
If the woman's happily married?
It's not that.
It's just less of a challenge.
It's like when you're bowling and
they put the things in the gutter.
You're unbelievable.
- Hey.
- I think you need to go and help Hedy out.
With what?
She's in shock.
We're all in shock, Tracy.
No, no, no.
Like shock shock.
Like real shock.
Okay. I'll be there
in a minute.
Look, we need to talk.
Wait. What? Why?
I don't know if your apathetic attitude
is some sort of coping mechanism...
Due to the stress at hand,
which is fine.
Dude, no stress.
None of this shit is real.
Is anyone infected?
Infected with what?
With whatever's out there.
But we don't know
what's out there.
And that's exactly
what's scaring me.
I mean, how many times
have you seen on the news...
That someone thought, like, a
weather balloon was a U.F.O...
Or a bear
was a giant sasquatch?
Just because the media reports
something... (CAN RATTLING)
Doesn't make it true.
Don't even get me started on
the supposed "moon landing".
Have you seen any
bite marks, scrapes?
All right, well, just... if you see
anyone acting weird, you let me know.
Weirder than you're
acting right now?
We might have to make
some tough decisions.
Okay. I'm gonna go
check on Hedy.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
God! I don't even know
what we're looking for!
Duck tape.
Duct tape.
That's what I said.
Oh, yeah?
Say it again.
Duck tape.
Duct tape.
With a "t".
It's for sealing ducts.
You just blew my mind.
Maybe you're right. Maybe this is a hoax.
I hope it's a hoax.
But the wise thing to do is let's get a
radio, find out for sure. All right?
Whatever floats your boat.
Well, that floats my boat.
Okay. Well, I can't remember the last
time I bought a radio, except for my car.
Hey, uh, where are
your car keys?
Your keys.
- Where you goin', Glenn?
- Nowhere. I just need your keys.
They're sit...
flamingo key chain.
Well, there's...
there's two here.
It's the bluish one.
Emma and I used to...
There's blue on both of these.
But this is hilarious. Em and
I used to have this thing...
Where we'd stop by every photo
booth and get pictures of...
(LAUGHS) There's...
What's up?
I, uh, saw you
talking to Glenn.
What do we know about that guy?
He's a teacher.
He likes scotch.
- Can he be trusted?
- With my car keys?
When the shit goes down.
The shit.
Pete, things are gonna
degrade very quickly.
The rules of society
are gonna break down,
And your life is gonna be in the
hands of the people you can trust.
Do you have any weapons?
- Weapons?
- Guns, mace, crossbows.
Actually, I have some
Chinese throwing stars...
That my uncle
brought back from Dallas.
Pretty sharp, so...
Oh, these are nice.
All right.
Let's just keep this
between us.
Hi, Glenn.
Are we going somewhere? No.
You know, I lost my virginity in a Saab.
This isn't a Saab.
Just making conversation.
Where'd you lose
your virginity, Glenn?
( POP)
- Oh, I love this song.
I need to get out
and find the love of my life
How do you make it
go to the radio?
Things can get so good Lexi.
"no user is connected"?
Must be a satellite subscription.
Satellite radio. 200 commercial-free
channels for 15 bucks a month.
There's this new Agey one
I really like.
It's called the Chakra.
Oh, Glenn, where are you going?
Should I take off my belt?
Things can get so good...
We should go camping
soon, dude.
We haven't been camping
together in years.
I'm gonna organize it.
I'll set it up.
I don't see anything.
Radiation's usually invisible.
No, no.
I don't see anyone.
I don't even see dogs.
What kind of neighborhood
doesn't have dogs?
Dogs don't usually roam
around neighborhoods...
Unless they're with people.
But squirrels... I'm not
seeing any squirrels.
I don't know.
I don't know, Shane.
Hey, where did you find those?
In a shoe box
underneath the bed.
So, what do you want to do...
cut each strip in half?
Two pictures each?
No. You can keep them.
You don't have a subscription
to your satellite radio?
Yeah, we do.
No. I let it lapse.
You did?
I've just been listening
to my iPod and podcasting.
- You only have satellite radio?
- Yeah. Paid extra for it.
You paid extra
for less features?
That guy at stereo town
totally swindled me.
Told you not to go
to stereo town.
- It's close.
- You went to stereo town?
How long would it take for a
full-blown mutation to occur?
A mutation of what?
- Human beings.
- Never.
No, um... no, no.
Mutation mutation.
Okay, now you're just
repeating the same word.
Nuclear mutation.
Assuming the debris
was radioactive,
Exposure to the fallout would
only cause D.N.A. Mutations...
In inherited genes,
So only children of those
exposed would be affected.
In which case, the deformities
would be horrific.
But, no, they wouldn't
be mutants.
I don't think you understand
what I'm asking.
I'll just explain it later.
GLENN: You just have a
choice between more genres.
No, but I get...
hey, duct tape.
Did you say duct tape
or duck tape?
What? Duct tape.
With a "t"?
Holy shit.
Am I the only person
that doesn't know this?
Everyone focus up here,
all right?
No dice on the radio.
So I think we should seal up
all the cracks in the house.
No outside air
should get in at all.
Right, Hedy?
Well, there's only one roll.
One-man job, so...
Uh, oh. I'll...
I'll do it.
Good man, Glennzo.
- We should close up all the air vents too.
- I was just about to say that.
Buck, you mind taking care of that?
You're the tallest.
I'm on it, boss.
LEXI: Guess what?
Everyone, I have a surprise.
Come with me.
No, guys, I'm actually serious.
I found something. Come on.
Right here.
Hey, focus.
Okay, all right.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Come on, come on.
No peeking.
Are you ready? Yes. Yep.
Drumroll, please!
- Oh, my god. I forgot about that.
- A monkey?
- No, no. It's a radio.
- I just... it hit me.
I remembered singing in the shower
here to "Louie Louie" once.
- Nice sense memory.
- Gracias.
Wait. What did you
just say?
- Gracias.
- No, you said you remember...
Singing in the shower here
to "Louie Louie" once.
- Yeah.
- When?
- What?
- When did you take a shower here?
It was a long time ago.
No, I'm sorry. Let me
rephrase the question, Lexi.
Why did you take a shower here?
Pete? You want to help Lexi
out with this question?
Okay, guys, we cannot turn
on each other right now.
That's exactly what
the enemy wants.
I'm in agreement.
What's everybody doing... is that a radio?
Have you tried it?
EMMA: Not yet. Why not?
'cause I just found out...
That my husband
is fucking my best friend.
Best friend?
Okay, let's put a pin in
that for now, why don't we,
And find out if this works
and if we're gonna live or d...
Oh, thank god it works.
One, seven, nine, one,
One, eight, eight, two...
It's like lost.
...Emergency broadcast system.
Please stay in your homes
as first responders...
Address the areas within
the initial blast zone.
This is not... this is real.
...United states air force,
five, five, zero.
Please stay in your homes
and take proper precautions.
Depending on your distance to the
blast radius and toxicity levels...
First responders...
Tracy, you're a first responder.
Shouldn't you go?... Four to five days.
I'm not on call today.
We need to get
the fuck outta here.
What part of "stay in your
homes" do you not understand?
This isn't my home.
We can take up the semantics of
possessive pronouns next week.
First of all, we don't even know
if that signal was from our side.
Four to five days. Do you
know how long that is?
If we stay in here
for four to five days,
We are giving everyone
else a head start...
To go out and form motorcycle
gangs, loot and pillage.
All the good canned goods
and shotguns.
We're gonna go out. All we're gonna find
is refried beans and motor scooters.
I liked motor scooters.
Oh, shut up.
HEDY: Hey!
Can I have some scotch?
Ab... absolutely, Hedy.
Help yourself.
Hedy, Hedy, Hedy.
Okay, we need to make a plan.
A plan?
Yeah, yeah.
Me and you... that's all
that matters right now.
Tracy could be an asset
'cause she's a doctor.
And maybe Buck knows
how to work a rifle.
But I don't know if that's just some
mental association I'm making...
Because his name is Buck.
Do have a rifle? No, no.
We're gonna get one.
There's a guns-and-ammo store down
at Duvall Street right by the toby.
Oh, yeah. I love that place. I know.
I know. It's great.
Right now, we need to make a break for
the car and hightail it outta here.
My uncle has that cabin in...
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go get a drink.
I'm gonna go get a drink.
That's my plan.
Drink plenty of water. Get as much
water as you can, babe. All right?
Oh, God.
Hey. Look who's
up and at 'em.
I'm just closing up the
vents so we don't die.
You know, I actually
used to work...
At an air-conditioning
place in high school.
And get this. The guy who ran
the place was named A.C.
A.C. Ran and A.C. Shop.
Do you think that when we die,
We have to wear the clothes we
died in for all of eternity?
No way. I bet we get those
kickin' white robes...
Like you see
in the old cartoons.
I look awful in white.
Maybe Emma would let me
borrow some sweats.
I bet you get
a sweet-ass harp too.
Do you have any idea
how many human beings...
Are estimated to have
lived and died on earth...
Throughout all of time?
I have absolutely no idea.
106 billion.
Yeah. So what you're saying
is that when we die,
We're going to a place
where 106 billion people...
Are sitting around
playing the harp.
That would be really
fucking annoying.
Well, maybe heaven is what
you make it in your mind.
- Can I come in?
- No.
I wanna talk about this.
I don't.
Please, can I come in? No.
It didn't mean
anything, Emmers.
It happened after we'd already decided
to go through with the divorce.
- I thought it was over.
- It is over.
And it doesn't make it okay.
SHANE: I can't see anything.
It's probably helicopters.
Yeah, but are they
ours or theirs?
We still don't even
know who "they" is.
They "are"?
(SCOFFS) They "is."
They are.
Fuck this.
I'm gonna get outta here.
No, no, no! Shane!
- You guys, don't even try to stop me.
- No! No!
I got him! I wanna see
what's out there.
killed the cat, Shane!
And in this case, the cat died a slow and
painful death from radiation poisoning.
WOMAN: Hello?
- Gordon and jenny.
- Jenny and Gordon.
(GASPS) Oh, shit.
They look terrible.
I like jenny's jacket though.
Hey, jenny!
I like your jacket!
Thanks. Hey, uh,
could you guys let us in?
What's going on out there?
It's bad.
It's real bad.
Can you be more specific?
(EXHALES) I've seen things.
Could you maybe name one thing?
(COUGHING) Look, Gordon
isn't doing so well.
Do you think you could
let us in, please?
Um, actually we can't...
'cause we already
duct-taped the door.
Well, can't you
just re-tape it?
But if we let you guys in,
you'll infect us all, so...
I'm a doctor. I don't
make this shit up.
(COUGHING) We're not
gonna last out here.
Well, maybe you should learn
to show up to things on time.
- Huh?
- Is that what this is about?
Every brunch, jenny.
Every brunch.
It's just really inconsiderate.
We really tried to make it here on time.
No, you didn't.
You didn't think
about punctuality...
Or how it affects
other people's lives.
Some people make dishes
that are hot...
And meant to be served...
At the designated
eating time agreed upon.
You're still mad about that
thing with Claudio, aren't you?
Let's not rehash
old wounds, jenny.
You've got much bigger
problems now.
It was new year's eve, Tracy.
It just happened.
Who... who is Claudio?
Open the door, Tracy. Tracy!
Okay, bye now.
That was some cold shit, Tracy.
Was it? I thought
it was kind of harsh.
No. It's us or them.
And judging by their rapid
cellular deterioration,
The toxicity level must be
pretty dense and fast acting.
But radiation usually
takes weeks to...
It's not radiation.
The emergency broadcast
said V.X.
As in V.X. Nerve gas.
As in...
The most toxic chemical weapon
ever synthesized.
That's not good, is it?
No. It's not good.
SHANE: Holy shit.
That's the stuff from Iraq.
Well, babe, what
does this mean for us?
It means we're
all gonna be dead...
In, like, three hours.
What'd I miss?
Jesus, how many times have
we been in this position?
Terrorist attack?
We don't know it's terrorists.
Yeah, well, I'll take
the over on that one.
I mean, literally, how many times
have we been in this position?
You locked in someplace,
Me leaning against the door
trying to get you to let me in.
If I had a nickel.
Pete, there's something
I need to tell you.
Ooh. Hey! Hey.
Is it cool
if I finish this off?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks. Oh,
one more thing.
Um, it's not radiation.
It's a chemical weapon.
And Hedy's pretty sure we're all
gonna be dead in a few hours.
Just F.Y.I.
What did she just say?
Hey there, stranger.
Oh. Hey, Lexi.
Um, if you don't mind,
I just wanted to, uh,
Get a little alone time,
if that's okay.
Well, Glenn,
if wishes were horses,
It'd be Christmas every day.
(SIGHS) Hedy's right.
We should probably live these last
few moments on earth to the fullest.
Am I right?
So you believe her now?
Well, either way,
I say we get nuts.
Knock, knock.
Oh, hi.
What's going on in here? I was
just doing some stretching.
I was leaving. I was taking off.
No, no, no. Glenn, stay.
No, no. You probably want to be alone.
No, no. I insist.
All right, I was...
have a seat, buddy.
I... okay. I'd just come in
for a little alone time.
Thanks, honey. Oh, a little
alone time with Lexi?
Lexi just walked in.
She just came in.
I was in here
trying to clear my head.
What is Tracy up to? What's
she doing down there?
Glenn, you ever been married?
Uh, no, I have not.
I don't...
how old are you?
Uh, well, my license says 42.
Do you know why...
Most marriages in this country
end in divorce, Glenn?
Uh... (STAMMERING) there's
a number of reasons...
Because of inequalities within the marriage.
That's one of the reasons.
One spouse has more money
or more friends,
Or one spouse
has amorous feelings...
For someone outside
the marriage.
That's when it becomes important for
the couple to communicate, I think.
Because that's the key to a good
relationship. But, Glenn, Lexi and I...
Are the poster children
for the perfect marriage.
Oh, thanks. You don't
have to tell me that.
I see the love in your hearts.
And do you know why?
Do you know why, Glenn?
You love each other.
You're so... Forgiving. Because we share.
We share everything.
We split everything
50-50... that's good.
Right up the middle.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no! Glenn. Oh, Glenn.
Absolutely not!
Just try it.
Absolutely not!
Don't freak out.
Absolutely not! It's only fair now.
We're stuck.
So rude!
Oh, baby.
Damn it.
I was too aggressive. I get
so aggressive. No, honey.
We're gonna get it right.
We'll get it right.
Who has access
to V.X. Gas?
The Iranians.
But why would the Iranians want
to mess with the United States?
Who gives a shit, Shane?
Can you open that for me?
You don't wanna know
who did this to us?
Does it matter?
It matters to me.
If I'm gonna be murdered, I'd like to
know by whom out of common courtesy.
- It's the land line.
Are you gonna get it?
The phone lines
must be on line.
MAN: Hi. May I speak
to Pete mandrake?
Uh, who is this?
This is john from liberty financial.
I'm calling with an
exclusive one-time offer...
It's john from
liberty financial.
Yeah, I might be interested,
but where are you calling from?
I'm calling from the liberty
financial call center.
What the fuck is going on out there?
I'm sorry. I...
Where are you calling from?
Manila, Philippines?
Do you not know what's
going on out there?
What do you mean? Isn't
this on TV over there?
Our television is not on, sir.
Turn the TV on!
Hey, Mikey.
They have a television.
Open the TV.
This guys says something on.
Just turn it on, man.
Oh, holy shit!
What is it?
Holy shit, man! Is that
the Golden Gate Bridge?
Or is that the bay bridge? I get them
confused. What happened to either bridge?
Oh, man, this is fucked up.
What does it look like?
It looks like they...
Man, telemarketers
call at the worst time.
Oh, hey.
Do you want me to leave? No.
I don't give a fuck.
Um... what are you
doing in here, Glenn?
Just hangin' out,
Trying to get a little...
Peace of mind.
Mmm, yeah.
What are you doing?
Right. Right.
Guess I don't have to flush.
What are you doing?
Well, if I'm goin' out,
I'm going out riding the snake.
You found music.
Actually, I think
it's, um, automated.
No. I believe
this is Beethoven.
How are you holding up?
You know, I never
went to Europe.
Never. Not once.
I... I never even
went to Montreal,
Which I hear is very European.
I never went scuba diving.
I never went to the ballet.
I've never been in love.
(SOBBING) I've never
even watched the wire.
All of those things
are overrated.
(TRACY SIGHS) Except for the wire.
That's really good.
Last season's
not very good, but...
Montreal? Come on.
Think of all the good
things you've done.
Like what?
Waste countless sundays
at these...
Stupid fucking
couples brunches?
How about the countless
lives you've saved?
The people you've helped,
the lives you've improved,
The hope you gave people.
Yeah, well... (CHUCKLES)
yeah, there is that.
I'm gonna go get that wine
that we brought,
And I'm gonna open it,
and we're gonna drink it.
And we're gonna
light some candles,
And we're just
going to... Relax.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, good.
Don't think about all the stuff
you didn't do, all right?
All righty.
Hey, babe.
What are you doing?
I, uh...
I'm making desert.
Luckily this stove runs on gas.
Can you pass me that
decongestant right there?
Thank you.
Are you making meth?
No. That would take
far too long,
And I'd need
many more ingredients.
But this is more like
a poor man's ecstasy.
The world's about to end,
and you're gonna do ecstasy?
Is there a better time?
Hedy, we don't even know
who did this to us.
We don't know what happened
to San Francisco or Chicago.
Do you know why
we never set a date...
For the wedding?
It's 'cause you worry
about everything.
You second-guess
I mean, I love you.
I do.
I care about you so deeply.
But the thought...
Of planning
a major event with you?
That makes me want to claw
my fucking eyes out.
And look at you now.
I mean, we're gonna die.
Like, we're gonna die soon,
And you're worried
about Koreans.
Well, what do you suggest I do?
I would, you know,
suggest that...
We have a little fun.
I mean, remember that one time
when we went to Cancun...
And we found the midget
with the marijuana...
And we got all freaky?
Babe, we are not in Cancun.
We're in the middle
of world war iii.
Then I think it's only fair I tell you...
That this whole
"end of the world" thing...
Has really got me
reexamining our relationship.
And... Frankly,
I'm out.
Out of what?
I'm done with us.
You're done?
The wedding's off.
You know what?
You can't cancel a wedding
if you didn't set a date.
Watch me.
Enjoy your drugs.
Do you think we'll be
angels in heaven?
Hell, yeah...
heaven, yeah, we will.
Do you think
there's an angel band?
I know there is, and we're
gonna be a part of it.
'cause guess what they need.
A glockenspielist.
What happened to us?
I don't know.
We were so good.
Couples brunch.
What about it?
You were always
so excited about 'em.
You know, making sure
the right people came,
Trying all kinds of new
cheese and wine.
I... I didn't care.
I mean, I didn't want
any part in the planning.
I... I barely even
wanted to show up.
And that's... that's our
marriage right there.
Yeah, you were always
trying new things.
Rock climbing, painting and...
See? Crocheting.
I just coasted along.
I just got...
Wrapped up in what I was doing.
I'm sorry.
I appreciate that.
I mean, I organize because I don't
trust anyone else to do it.
And I do all those
other things...
Because I'm looking
for something that I like.
Some version of me,
I guess, that I like.
You know, for the record,
I liked the first version of you.
Yeah, I know.
But maybe that's
part of the problem.
We got married so young, Pete.
And we were together
all the time, which was...
And it was so good
for so long, but...
It's like I don't even know a me
that has... that's different from us.
Because there's just been Pete and
Emma this and Pete and Emma that.
And never just Emma, and I...
Needed to figure that out.
And in... in retrospect,
filing for divorce was...
A drastic way to do that.
And I'm sorry.
You kept one.
What do you say?
Can we get back together...
The last couple hours
of our existence?
So, like an agreement?
Yeah, like an agreement.
So, what did you need to tell me?
When Tracy came in, you said there
was something you needed to tell me.
Was there?
Do you have anything else?
Oh. Madame,
I assure you this vintage is fantastic.
And the last year, I think,
they're making this.
Then cheers.
Wow. You and me, huh?
I don't know
what would've happened.
I think we would have
dated for about a year...
And then gotten married.
Wow. Fast.
Well, I mean,
it felt right, you know?
And we had a very nice wedding.
Uh, nothing too fancy,
but a destination wedding.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Hawaii.
- Kauai, to be exact.
- Kauai.
And then we had kids.
Lots of kids.
Lots of kids.
Lots of kids.
Lots of kids. Seven.
We had seven kids.
Damn. Damn.
They all went to ivy league schools.
Of course.
How about that? On scholarship.
On scholarship.
The boys were...
You took 'em to space camp,
so they became astronauts.
The girls became...
To a good life.
- Where's Buck?
Uh, he's upstairs in
the bedroom with Lexi.
Sorry. Oh, hello.
How cute.
GLENN: I'd knock first.
I really like being alive, honey.
I know.
It's gonna be even better when
we're in heaven. Trust me.
What if we come back
as animals?
Hmm. Then I will come back as a starfish.
EMMA: Come on, Pete.
Hey. We're done if you
guys need the room.
Oh, hey, guys. But we'll go
again if you guys want in.
- Put some clothes on.
- Why bother, man?
Let's go out
the way we came in.
Put some goddamn clothes on
before I punch you in the face.
Okay, okay. Pete...
What is the bee in your bonnet?
Do you know he and Emma
slept together?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.
Wait. What?
I knew about it before it happened.
I gave him the thumbs-up.
I texted her while
we were making out.
Let's remember that.
Gave me the thumbs-up. We always
give each other the thumbs-up.
- So you knew about me and Lexi?
- Yeah. It was my idea.
- Your idea? - Yeah, dude. I felt bad
'cause your wife cheated on you.
My wife was cheating on me with you, Buck! You!
LEXI: Let's not fight.
Cheating is cheating. It doesn't
make a difference if it was me.
So that's why
you slept with Pete?
We thought it would help with peace
of mind if he ever found out.
(SCREAMING) Okay, okay!
Stop! Stop it!
LEXI: - Everything is fine!
- Get off of him!
( CHORD) Emma!
- Look what I found!
Are those my new clothes? Yes.
We should have a dance party.
No, no, no!
Get off me!
- Oh! Are we wrestling?
LEXI: - Yes!
- Me too!
- What the hell!
- Yay!
- Please, you guys!
Everyone out.
Oh, shit!
Out, out, out!
Get out!
Come on, come on! Close the door!
Close the door!
Quickly, Pete!
You know what,
I'm gonna go set up
the glockenspiel...
So we can have our dance party.
I'm gonna go find
the duct tape...
So we can seal up
this door, okay?
And, Pete,
Sorry I broke your window, man.
PETE: It's okay, buddy.
It's okay.
I love you.
Emma, I never meant... it's okay.
I never meant to...
it's okay.
I swear, if I ever run around
with your husband again...
Whether it's Pete
or some new guy...
I will give you
a heads-up.
I appreciate that.
Pete, look, I...
You made a mistake,
and I made a mistake.
- Can we just...
- You wanna dance?
I do.
Mmm... but not,
like, right here.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
HEDY: One, two, three, four!
When I'm walkin',
I strut my stuff
And I'm so strung out
I'm high as a kite
I just might
Stop to check you out
Stop to check you out
Then the guy starts throwing them at me.
And there's a whole bowl
of these mints.
And I'm running out,
And I'm saying to him, "excuse me"...
I'm trying to still be nice.
"those aren't my pants.
They're not"...
I mean, what am I...
That's so bad.
Mmm, well...
GLENN: Oh! What the fuck?
Why aren't you dancing? What?
Why aren't you dancing?
All right, all right.
Put them thingies down and come
and dance now. Wait, wait. No, no.
Yes, yes, yes!
Which is which?
Couldn't we just... give me a second.
All right.
Guys, I think I see a plume
of smoke in the distance.
When I'm walkin',
I strut my stuff
And I'm so strung out
I'm high as a kite...
There is a house
In New Orleans
They call
The rising sun
And it's been the ruin
Of many a poor boy
And God, I know
I'm one
(TOGETHER) Mothers
Tell your children...
- What the fuck?
- What gives?
- Shut up!
Now, if you guys wanna sing "kumbaya"
as the world's about to end,
Then by my guest.
But I'm not gonna just sit in
here and lay down like a dog.
Now, the way I see it,
We've an hour, maybe two,
Before the air runs out.
So if we're gonna make a move,
it's gotta be right now.
Yeah, but what move is that?
I'm taking the S.U.V.,
and I'm getting outta here.
Where are you gonna go?
I don't know.
Is that my backpack?
If I roll up the windows,
kill the A.C.
It'll give me some time.
Not long, but...
Maybe enough time to find
something, anything.
And it might be
a fool's errand,
But I'm not gonna regret it.
'cause I know that if I die,
At least I died trying.
Who's with me?
Okay, everybody take calm,
short breaths to conserve air.
And keep the talking to a minimum.
Starting now.
Are we ready?
Here we go.
Say, Glenn, when you
checked my radio earlier,
Did you remember to
turn the car off after?
Lexi... Lexi was in here
listening to music.
Lexi was listening...
We were in here too.
Oh, my gosh.
I know I'm new
to the group, but...
I think we should
set the table and...
Eat like we were supposed to.
You know, I think we
should eat and drink...
And swap stories,
You know, and... and...
and enjoy couples brunch...
The way we were meant to.
I can be down for that.
It would be a shame to see
my quiche go to waste.
Yeah. Well,
then let's do it.
Is your quiche vegan? Yes.
How about you, Shane?
You hungry?
Nah, I'm good.
HEDY: Come on, Shane.
When the north Koreans come...
And they take you away
to some makeshift camp,
They're probably not gonna feed
you anything more than gruel...
For, like, days.
North Korean food does suck.
Okay, okay.
Well, great.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Okay, good.
Let's... let's do this.
I'm gonna go grab
some wine. Yeah?
EMMA: Okay, I got one.
Uh, something
I've never told anyone.
When I used to work at that
pizza place in college,
Um, I used to take money
from the register.
Wow. Really?
Mm-hmm, yep.
Why? So I could steal it, Pete.
Why do you think? All right.
Yeah, granted, but...
How much... how much did you take?
Uh, you know,
Probably just,
like, three grand.
Just, like, three grand?
And I'm... I'm impressed. That's... wow.
Thank you.
Okay. I've got one.
This is something
I've never told anyone.
I fucking love love actually.
There's nothing wrong with that.
I'm serious. I watch it every Christmas.
Why are you ashamed of that?
I love that movie.
I'm not anymore.
I'm free now.
You worked through it.
I'm proud of you.
- I think I killed somebody.
This one night,
I was driving home,
And this homeless guy just stepped
right out in front of me.
And I just took off.
Well, Pete, I'm sure there was
nothing you could've done.
Oh, no, there was.
He was still breathing
when I left.
TRACY: Glenn?
I'll be up in a minute.
Glenn, what are you doing down here?
Tracy, are you familiar
with the rapture?
The band...
Or the blondie song?
The prophecies
in the book of revelations.
No, I don't like
where this is going.
At the end of times,
all true believers...
Who are alive
before Armageddon...
Which is the final battle
of the apocalypse,
Which... Had clearly started...
Will be taken by god
from earth to heaven.
All the nonbelievers...
Will be forced to walk
a hell on earth...
For a seven-year period
of tribulations...
In which they will
sit in judgment.
I fear for all of you.
I love you, Tracy,
and I love your friends.
I have huge love for them,
And I want to help
with their judgment.
Tracy, I...
Would like to ask you...
To sit beside me at the
marriage supper of the lamb.
Oh, whoa!
EMMA: Honey? Yeah.
He's crazy.
Who's crazy?
He's crazy.
I think he's really cool.
I do. Yeah.
- I think...
- No. No, no, no.
He's certifiable. He belongs in
a tiny little padded room...
With one tiny little window.
PETE: - I found some wine. Perfect timing.
EMMA: - Great.
And I'm sure, Tracy,
That you are probably just...
Taking one thing
about that person...
And blowing it
out of proportion.
No. No. No, I'm not.
I'm not.
You always think that I am,
but I never am. I never am.
I know you think that I'm some sad,
pathetic character from a Cathy cartoon...
Or a sitcom that Brooke
shields would've been in.
But it's true.
It's always true.
He poisoned your wine,
by the way.
- What? He did what?
Guilty as charged.
What the fuck? Glenn, you're
a guest in this house.
- That is not fucking cool, dude.
- No!
- Okay. Everybody calm down.
- You calm down!
I am calm, Shane.
I'm extremely calm.
- We can see that, Glenn.
- What's in this?
Well, I crushed up
about 40 sleeping pills...
And, uh, 30 muscle relaxants.
And then I put in a... a good
heaping amount of rat poison.
Are you trying to kill us?
Yes, Hedy, I'm trying
to kill you.
Oh, well, then that
would do the trick.
That Jesus Christ... sorry...
is gonna put us all on trial?
You're paraphrasing.
She's paraphrasing.
Oh, okay. My bad. My bad.
Let me rephrase that.
Johnny crazy balls over here is gonna
save us all from seeing Armageddon.
That movie was awesome. So that
is what is going to happen?
Okay, let me rephrase that.
This is very serious.
Every one of you
sitting at this table...
Will sit before St. Peter
as he judges you...
To see whether you gain
entrance into heaven.
Now, I am going to heaven.
That is a fact.
I desperately want you
all to join me there.
If you drink this wine, you
stand a far greater chance...
Of spending the rest
of eternity in heaven.
- Wow. You were right.
- You see?
You see? Do you see?
Is shit in the Bible,
or are you making this up?
"No one knows
the days or hours,
(TOGETHER) not even
the angels in heaven."
Matthew 24:36.
Lexi. Yes.
You see, Buck, I teach
this for a living,
So I know what
I'm talking about.
- I thought you said you teach history.
- Because I do teach history.
I teach bible history.
That is history.
You didn't put that in your
internet profile, now, did ya?
I thought you met
at a grocery store.
I don't wanna be
the one to say this,
But I think Glenn might
actually be onto something.
What? Have you gone fuckin' insane too?
No offense.
Purely from
a biological standpoint,
When the nerve gas
slips into the house...
And it will eventually
slip into the house...
We are all going to go
through a very long...
And a very painful ordeal.
Ordeal? What do you mean "ordeal"?
That sounds ominous.
I don't like ominous.
Deets, please.
EMMA: Yeah.
Okay. Uh, well,
You might start with blurred
vision and a headache.
Move quickly to nausea,
Intense vomiting and diarrhea.
That would be followed
by copious sweating,
Involuntary muscle twitching.
Then there's the blindness,
Dyspnea and seizures.
The initial
violent contractions...
Will turn into sustained
Which results in the paralysis
of all the muscles in your body.
And ultimately it's the paralysis
of the diaphragm muscle...
That leads to death
by asphyxiation.
If we're lucky, we could lose
consciousness before some of that.
If we're lucky.
Well, I'm in.
Till death do us part.
Seriously? We're just gonna
go all Jonestown on this?
Did you not just hear that laundry
list she just rattled off?
I don't even know what a "disnepsis"
is, but I don't fuckin' want it.
It's gonna be a lot less
painful to drink the wine.
Well, it... it might be better
than me falling into enemy hands,
Given my knowledge
of american pop culture...
And the industrial-military
complex, but...
Do you have any white?
I'm sorry?
If this is gonna be
my last drink on earth,
I just don't really
care for merlot.
Can... can I jump in?
When I was down there, and I...
I had some of the wine before
I put all the stuff in it.
And, um,
it's pretty good merlot.
- It really is.
- I'm sure it is, but still...
Shane, will you just drink
the fucking red wine?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I mean...
It kind of makes sense, but...
Can we all agree that I'm right,
that he's fucking crazy?
GLENN: Well, can I
tell you someone else...
Who was considered
the f-word crazy?
Was Saul of tarsus, so...
What do you think?
I mean, what...
What if a swat team comes
bursting through the door...
At the last minute
to save our lives?
What if this vegan stew has some
sort of immunity to the chemical...
And we're all
gonna be just fine?
What if...
what if we survive?
I mean, is that completely
out of the question here?
I just don't want to lose hope.
You're right.
I'm with you.
Oh, you guys are so sweet.
So have fun shitting blood,
And let's do this.
I don't know. I...
I don't know. I kind of... Want to do
it if everybody else is gonna do it.
But then maybe I should
stay with Pete and Emma. I...
No. I don't know what we were thinking.
Never mind.
- Really? I don't wanna...
- No, no, no. We're with you guys.
We're in.
Yeah, we're in.
- Okay.
GLENN: - Okay.
I will see you all...
At the pearly gates.
I'm Jewish, by the way.
Okay, um, let me take
the moment to say...
Thank you all for coming today.
Yeah. Thanks, guys.
Everyone's been a really great friend.
This is the best one of these
things we've ever had.
Oh, no. Please no. Don't.
So, how should we
go about this?
On three?
On three, or roshambo style?
Like, "one, two, three, go".
We'll just do one, two,
three, go. Drink.
Not saying "drink"
Say the words
"one, two, three, go".
- And then we'll drink.
- Perfect.
You want me to say it?
It's your gig, bro.
(EXHALES) Thank you, Buck.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
One, two...
Wait. Quick...
quick question. Sorry.
Um, is it okay to take one sip,
Or do we have to chug
the whole thing?
I would chug it. It's
better safe than sorry.
- Chug.
- Okay. Okay, sorry.
I'm gonna start over again.
I'm not gonna continue from there.
I think it could be confusing.
From one?
From one.
GLENN: One, two, three, go.
Okay. Seriously,
what's the deal?
I was waiting to see
if everybody else did it.
I was doing the same thing.
That's what I did.
Yeah. We were too.
Okay. Let's do this
for real.
- Let's really do this, okay?
- Why didn't you drink this last time?
Because I suspected that was gonna
happen, and I was right, so...
Are we doing this, or what?
( "1812 OVERTURE")
Things are lookin' up
We're going strong
We're making the move
We're taking 'em one by one
Things are lovely when they go on
And on and on
Forever until they've gone
It's a disaster, baby
I know things have been tough lately
And we know there's
no relief for us in sight
It's a disaster, baby
I know that I drive you crazy
The world's at the end of days
So I just hope you stay
Yeah, things are looking up
It won't be long
Still on we go
Till the atmosphere's completely gone
Things are lovely
We'll never know
Nowhere to go
Disaster all-year round
It's a disaster, baby
I know that I drive you crazy
The world's at the end of days
So I just hope you stay
The world's at the end of days
So I just hope you stay
The world's at the end of days
So I just hope you stay
MAN: Cheers.