It's a Gift (1934) Movie Script

Stop that racket! Give me that letter.
And take those skates off, I told you.
Clattering up and down the stairs
all day. Why, it's from Aunt Matilda.
Haven't heard from her
in months.
"Dear, Amelia. You'll have to
forgive me for not answering sooner. "
Mildred, see if the coffee's perking.
Get some fresh cream.
And take that cat
out of the dining room!
"Uncle Bean has been
in very bad health for weeks."
"We're all afraid
he will never get up again. "
Hey, Ma, if Uncle Bean dies, Pop's gonna buy
an orange ranch out in California, ain't he?
Norman. Well, Pop says
he is, if Uncle Bean dies.
We're all gonna go out to
California to live. Norman, be quiet.
Pop says he knows more about oranges
than most men who raise 'em.
- Your father says a lot of things.
- I wouldn't go to California on a bet.
Because you can't bear to leave
thatJohn Durston guy.
Good-bye, darling,
sweetheart, dear.
You stop teasing her aboutJohn
Durston! Get down out of that chair.
- Hurry up. I wanna come in.
- Come on in. I'm only shaving.
You want me to cut my
throat, keep that up.
You evidently do.
Hey, Pop, who do you
think's dying? Dying what?
Uncle Bean's dying! Well, you don't
have to spit in my eye, do you?
Do we get to go to California? Get
out of here. Go 'way. Go 'way! Go 'way!
Do we, Pop, huh?
Go 'way.
I've just had a letter from
Aunt Matilda. I told him!
Uncle Bean's sinking.
Who's sinking?
Your Uncle Bean is
sinking. Ohhh, that's awful.
Uncle Bean is sinking. What kind
of tomfoolery are you up to now?
I'm shaving. Why don't
you shave over there?
Because... sh...
Uh, oh, excuse me.
Of all the driveling idiots!
Hurry up and come in to breakfast.
I'll be down
in half a tick.
Beautiful morning, isn't it?
Don't be kicking
Norman's skates around.
I'vejust had them fixed.
Suffering sciatica.
Get up off the floor! Coming,
coming, coming, coming.
Do it again, Pop.
Shut up!
Did you hurt yourself, dear? Shut... No,
no, I didn't. Where's your other skate?
- I got it on.
- Well, go and put that one on!
Norman, I told you
to take those skates off...
Yeah. Go and take those skates off.
Running around here with roller skates on.
What are you trying
to light the flower for?
What are you tr...
Oh. Excuse me.
Don't smoke
at the table.
No? Don't throw matches on the floor!
No. Well, the doctors
say he's at death's door.
Who's at death's door?
Your Uncle Bean.
You think they'll be able to
pull him through? Afraid not.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Hey, Pop.
Do we get to go to California
if they don't pull him through?
Uh, no. No. I should say we do not.
See, we get to go. When Pop said
"no," he shook his head "yes. "
Ha-ha, you missed me.
Put that down! What's the matter,
Pop? Don't you love me anymore?
Certainly I love you.
Don't you strike that child!
Well, he's not gonna tell me
I don't love him!
I won't go to California,
that's all!
What's eatin' on her? She's afraid
she'll have to give up thatJohn Durston.
Have you fnished?
You've eaten enough.
You may leave the table.
He snitched a piece of bacon.
Harold, I want one thing settled.
If you get any money from your Uncle Bean,
you are not going to buy an orange ranch.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, don't
try that innocent look with me.
We need things in the house.
I haven't a stitch to my back, the children
need clothes, and we should have a car.
A car by all means, yes.
I don't know where you get the idea
you can make money raising oranges...
when you can't even run
a corner grocery store.
I know a lot about raising oranges.
What are you so nervous about?
You haven't eaten a bite.
I'm not hungry.
That won't be worth eating if you put
any more salt on it. Oh, no, no, no.
You should eat something before you go to
the store. How much to fix these skates?
Oh, never mind
Norman's skates!
Where are you going? That's the 8:00
whistle. I gotta get to the store.
Wait. I'm not through with you. Now I
know you've got something on your mind.
You're constantly doing things behind
my back, and I know nothing about them...
till you're in some scrape
and I have to get you out.
Remember that scheme to revive the celluloid
collar you had a couple of years ago?
Well, that was going to
make us a fortune. Where is it?
Now you've got an orange ranch
on your mind.
Nothing will come of it.
You're not going to drag me
and the children across this country,
away from friends and relatives.
If any money comes into this family,
I'm going to handle it...
and put it to some practical purpose, and
that's that! What are you crying about?
You're just trying to ruin the lives
and future of everybody in this family.
Me? You don't care how much you
take me away from people I like.
Harold, are you listening to
me? Yes, dear. Go on. Go on.
What did I say last? Uh,
yes, yes, every word of it.
I never knew such
an ungrateful father!
Listen, you've all gotta
realize one thing:
That I...
Am the master of this household.
Yes, dear.
I don't know why every time I want to talk to
you, you're off. In some other part of the house.
I have to shout, shout, shout!
No wonder the neighbors know
all about our private affairs.
I get little enough opportunity as
it is to find out what's going on...
without you running away as if
I had the smallpox or something...
every time
I open my mouth.
I've got a piece of chalk.
Do you wanna play hopscotch?
Go 'way, go 'way, go 'way,
go 'way, go 'way.
Good morning, Mr.
Fitchmueller. Good morning.
I want 10 pounds of kumquats,
and I'm in a hurry! Yes, yes, yes.
L- I-I'll be right with you. I have
to... Come on, come on, come on, come on.
The door was open.
I know now it was open.
Don't talk to people with a toothpick
in your mouth. It's impolite. Come here.
Hurry up.
Get this coat off.
What are you doin'?
Put that hat up.
Go out and sweep the store.
Hurry up. Sweep the store. Yes, sir.
"Typical California orange grove. "
- How about my kumquats?
- Coming, coming.
I'm in a hurry.
Coming, coming, coming.
Coming, coming, coming.
Coming, coming, coming.
Now, what was that you wanted? Kumquats!
Oh, kumquats, yes.
Ten pounds of kumquats.
Open the door for Mr. Muckle! What?
- Open the door for Mr. Muckle, the blind man!
- How about my kumquats?
What'd ya say?
Merciful heavens.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
It's all right. All right.
All right. You got that
door closed again, huh?
I'm awfully sorry. I'm awfully
sorry. Come on. What's that?
Don't do that!
Look out!
What's that?
What's that?
It's all right. Think nothing
of it. Just a little glassware.
Just a little glassware.
What's the matter with you? Can't
you talk? Here's your pipe here.
Here. Here you are,
right here. Yes. Come on.
What'd you say? I said it was
nothing but just a little glassware.
What've you got it there for?
Come on. It's all right.
Put it in there.
Now, uh, what can I do...
What can I do for you? Have
you got any chewing gum?
Uh... yes, we have... Um...
yes, we have. Yes, we have.
How about my kumquats?
- Coming, coming, coming.
Now, you just sit... Now, you sit right here
till I come back. I'll bring it right back to you.
Sit right there.
Please sit there
till I come back.
I'll have those kumquats
in a minute.
I wonder what kind of gum
he wants. I guess that...
Sit down, Mr. Muckle!
Sit down, sit down.
Sit down, Mr. Muckle.
Sit down.
Won't be a second, now. Sit
down. Sit down, Mr. Muckle, honey.
Sit down. Oh, that's broke.
I'll have to get it fixed.
I'll be right with you.
Don't go away.
Here we are. Sit down, Mr.
Muckle. Sit down, honey.
Wait a second.
Coming. Now, you'll get the
"komkuts... " the kumquats.
Will you... Would you mind telling Mr.
Muckle... Never mind. I'll tell him.
Sit down, Mr. Muckle,
please, dear!
I'm being polite with him.
Sit down.
Put it down, Mr. Muckle.
Put it down, honey.
Put it down, please. Mr...
There goes another one.
Mr. Muckle, please sit down.
I want kumquats!
Coming, coming.
Almost forgot the chewing gum.
Where's my gum?
Sit down, Mr. Muckle!
Sit down! Sit down!
Ten pounds of kumquats!
Look out!
Um... here's your chewing gum.
Five cents, please.
I'm not gonna lug
that with me. Send it.
Oh, yes. Everett!
Oh, no, no. Everett!
Where are you? Here. Take this
over to Mr. Muckle's house.
Jump on your bicycle and run right
away. Now, you're all... Not that way.
Not that way. Here we are.
Here. That's it.
How about my kumquats?
Oh, excuse me. Yes.
How does he rate all this
attention? Who is that man?
The house detective
at the Grand Hotel.
Who's gonna help me
across the street?
That's... Look out.
Coming. Excuse me. Coming.
All right, all right, come on.
All right, all right.
You got that door closed
again, huh? I'm sorry.
I say I'm sorry.
Wait a minute now.
You're all right.
There you are.
Go ahead.
Nothing coming at all.
Street's clear as a whistle.
Mr. Muckle, come back!
Now, will you get me
my kumquats?
Oh, oh. Yes, yes.
Coming, coming.
Almost ran over that
kind, old gentleman.
Hello, John.
Hello, Mrs. Bissonette.
Hi, Jack. Norman, take your
hands off John's car. Come along.
Hello. Where are you going?
Just down to the store.
So am I. I've got to see your dad
about that orange ranch I sold him.
You sold Dad an orange ranch?
Where? Out in California.
And... I'm in an awful mess about it.
I just found out it's no good.
What? Well, you can't
grow oranges on it.
Why, John Durston! Oh, I can fix
it. I'll give him his money back.
Uh, now, what
was that you wanted?
Ah, yes, kumquats.
Uh... how do you spell it?
C- U-M-Q-U-A-T-S.
Oh, yes.
C- U-M... Q-
U- A-T-S! Quats! Quats!
Two quats?
No, one quat.
Oh, yes. Q-U-A...
T- S! T-S!
S! S! S!
Oh, yes, I get it.
S- S-S-kumquats. Yes.
Now, uh, let me see.
Uh... yes. Kumquats.
Good gracious! What in the world's
happened here? Harold. Harold.
Hey, Pop, who do you think's
dead? Who do you think's dead?
Who do you think's dead?
Uncle Bean's dead. Do we
get to go to California now?
I'm not gonna tell you. The last time
I told you, you snitched on me. Get out!
- Harold!
- I wanna tell you something.
Never ride that bicycle in this
store again as long as you live.
Take it outside!
Yes, Mr. Bissonette.
I told you before
never to call me Mr. Bissonette...
in front of Mrs. Bissonette.
"Bison-ay. "
Yes, sir.
Harold! Coming, dear. Excuse
me. Sorry. Coming, dear.
Well, Harold, Uncle Bean
passed away this morning.
Aww, that's terrible.
Yes. This is
the telegram, huh?
"Amelia Bissonette,
27 Clint Avenue... "
Don't read the address.
What? No.
"Uncle Bean passed away
at 5:15 this morning. Stop. "
It seems he was getting better, but
he attended the Epworth League picnic,
and he choked to death
eating an orange.
His heart couldn't stand it.
I didn't know oranges were bad for
the heart. It was the excitement.
Oh, sure, the excitement. Sure,
that'll kill anybody. Very regretful.
Uh, yes, regrettable.
- We oughta send flowers.
- Oh, yeah, by all means.
I wonder what we should send.
Uh, how 'bout some...
Uh, how 'bout some nice,
uh... "hollyhorks"? Hollyhocks?
Oh, yeah, hollyhocks. No,
they're no good for a man.
Well, look, you send him anything
you wanna send. It's okay with me.
He's your uncle, not mine.
You think what to send him.
How about my 10 pounds of
kumquats? How 'bout kumquats?
No, no, I want the kumquats. I know that. I
understand that. H- H-He wants some kumquats.
If you haven't any kumquats,
why don't you tell the man?
Well, I might as well. I'll
go out and see now. Right away.
But I've got to.
No, you don't.
I've got to tell him
before it's too late.
Well, be careful
of Mother then.
Could I talk to you for a moment,
Mr. Bissonette?
Uh, Bison-ay,
Bison-ay. Harold!
The flowers for the wreath. Oh, yes.
How about some calceolaria and some ageratum,
a little bougainvillea and jacaranda?
Uh, you took the very words out of my
mouth. That's fine. Run along and get that.
Mr. Bissonette, I've got to
talk to you. Not now. Not now.
But it's very important, Mr.
Bissonette... Not with her in here.
Good morning, Mrs. Dunk.
Hello, Elwood. Good morning.
Mr. Bissonette, that orange ranch
we sold you is no good. Why not?
You can't grow oranges
on it. Have you seen it?
No, sir, but you see... Well,
there you are. Now wait a minute.
An orange grove is an orange
grove. Ya can't argue against that.
But that isn't the one we sold
you. It's in the same neighborhood?
Yes, but you see...
You go tell that firm of yours that they sold
me something good, and they just found out.
But, Mr. Bissonette, you see... Listen.
As Mrs. Bissonette often says
to me, "C'est finnay. "
"You can't fool me. "
But, Mr. Bissonette...
Stop! Enough!
Go! Go, go, go.
I've got my heart set on the
thing. I'm going through with it.
Everett. Would you mind taking
care of Elwood? Oh, sure.
Thank you so much.
And this is for you.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Dunk.
You don't suppose Mr. Bissonette would
mind? For one of our best customers?
Why, he loves children!
It's Bison-ay.
Oh-ho, pardon me. Bison-ay.
You're out early, aren't you?
We've had quite a shock. Harold's Uncle
Bean... You've heard us speak of him...
Oh, yes.
Passed away this morning.
Oh, how sad!
Yes, very sad.
Conditional sales contract.
Everett, come here!
How did he get in here? Mrs.
Dunk gave him to me to mind.
You working for Mrs. Dunk or
me? She gave me a 10 cents piece.
Get him outta here. Get him out.
Get him out. Come on, Elwood.
Would have to hit me
right in the funny bone.
Could have hit me in the back if
he had to throw it. And clams too.
I hate clams.
Well, I suppose we'll soon be living
next door to the wealthy Bissonettes.
It begins to look like it.
Of course, no amount of money could
compensate for the loss of a dear one.
Oh, no, of course not, my dear. But
after all, it's only human to plan.
Oh, I hope to make life much more
comfortable for us all... when it comes.
Oh, Mr. Bissonette.
- Ah, good morning, Miss Dunk.
- What have you in the way of steaks?
- Nothing in the way. Can get right to them.
- I'll take two pounds round steak.
- Off the rump?
- Yes.
Two round off the rump.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Sure thing.
Get Blood Poison out of here!
Take him away! Amuse him somewhere.
Eating all the profits.
I won't make a nickel
on this steak.
It's so hard for me to
wear black. Yes, I know.
Black is very trying for some. Why
don't you go to Schmankendorf's?
They specialize in such lovely
things for older women. Pardon me.
Get him outta there!
Don't pull it! Don't pull it!
You... What'd you pull it for,
you big lunk? Get him outta there.
Get him off there.
Get him off.
Aah, what are you doing?
Why did you let him
turn the molasses on for?
I told him I wouldn't do it
if I was him.
You told him you wouldn't
do it if you was him.
Get him outta here! Get
him out! Get him out!
What are you doing
to my child? Oh!
Oh! What do you mean by running
molasses all over and ruining his shoes?
Give me my baby. You'll never
see me in this store again.
Come on, darling.
Not only lost her trade,
but lost all of our molasses.
I hate you.
Get out!
Whew! That's the spreadinest
stuff I ever saw in my life.
Hello, John.
Get down here.
Come on up.
No, come here.
What's the matter?
Your father was at our office and he
paid the rest on that orange ranch.
He did?
Every cent of it.
Oh, Mother will just murder him.
They shouldn't have taken the money.
He forced them to
on that contract.
Oh, John, that's awful. Couldn't
somebody try to talk him out of it?
The boss tried hard enough,
but it didn't do any good.
The only real money
you'll ever have,
and you threw it away before you
got your hands on a penny of it.
What are you lying there for? I'm tired.
Why don't you go to bed? I thought I'd
lie down and take a little nap first.
I don't see how you got
the bank to lend you money...
on the strength of your getting
anything from Uncle Bean's estate.
Probably stopped in at the
saloon on the way there.
No, I didn't. Tonight, I...
Never a thought of me or the
children. No insurance. Nothing.
What if something should happen to you? Your
Uncle Bean wasn't much older than you are.
Yes, two months
and four years.
Just let thatJohn Durston
try to get into my place again.
Are you listening to me?
Wake up!
Wake up and go to sleep.
I've given you the best years
of my life. Yes, you have, dear.
And now I suppose I'll have to
spend the rest of them...
depending on that grocery store
for a bare existence.
I sold the grocery store.
I'm now in the orange business. Oh! Oh.
As I was saying...
Are you listening to me?
Uh, yes, dear.
Yes, dear. Yes, dear.
For 20 years, I've struggled to
make a home for you and the children.
That's right, dear.
Slaving day in and day out
to make both ends meet.
Yes, you have.
Sometimes I don't know
which way to turn.
Uh, turn over on
your right side, dear.
Sleeping on your left side
is bad for the heart.
Goodness gracious.
Oh, it's the telephone. Shall
I answer the telephone, dear?
Yeah... naturally.
Oh, what are you doing now?
Nothing, dear. Nothing.
I can't think
of the number.
Oh! Hello.
No, this is not
the maternity hospital.
Think we oughta take
that telephone out.
Who was it?
Uh, somebody called up, wanted to know
if this was the maternity hospital.
What did you tell them?
Uh, I-I told 'em no,
it wasn't the maternity hospital.
Funny thing they should call you
up here at this hour of the night...
from the maternity hospital.
They didn't call me up, dear,
from the maternity hospital.
They wanted to know if this
was the maternity hospital.
Oh. Now you change it.
No, I didn't change it, dear.
L- I told you.
They, uh... They asked me if this
was the maternity hospital...
Oh, don't make it any worse.
They asked me...
I don't know how you expect
anybody to get any sleep,
hopping in and out of bed
all night,
tinkering 'round the house...
waiting up
for telephone calls.
You have absolutely
no consideration...
for anybody but yourself.
I have to get up
in the morning,
get breakfast
for you and the children.
I have no maid, you know.
Probably never shall have one.
Harold, will you please keep quiet
and let me get some sleep!
Coming... Uh, come...
Uh, yes, yes, dear. Yes.
Hey, make a little less noise
down there, will you?
Sweet repose.
As a special favor, please stop playing
with those sleigh bells, will you?
What a night!
This is not a night for love.
Is this 1726 Prill Avenue?
Is there a Prill Avenue in
this neighborhood? I don't know.
Do you know a man
by the name of LaFong?
Carl LaFong.
Capital "L," small "A,"
capital "F," small "O,"
small "N," small "G."
Carl LaFong.
No, I don't know
Carl LaFong.
Capital "L," small "A,"
capital "F," small "O,"
small "N," small "G."
And if I did know Carl LaFong,
I wouldn't admit it.
Well, he's a railroad man, and he
leaves home very early in the morning.
Well, he's a chump.
I hear he's interested
in an annuity policy.
Oh, isn't that wonderful?
Yes. Yes, it is.
The public are buying them
like hotcakes.
All companies are going to discontinue this
form of policy after the 23rd of this month.
That's rather unfortunate.
Yes, it will be.
Maybe you would be interested
in such a policy. I would not.
What's your age?
None of your business.
I would say you are a man about
50. Yeah, you would say that.
Let me see.
Fifty, fifty, fifty.
Ah, here we are.
Here we have it.
Now, you can, by paying only
five dollars a week,
retire when you are 90
on a comfortable income.
I can retire when I'm 90?
That's right. You got the idea...
Look out!
Don't sit down there.
Or you can change to a regular paid-up
policy, and at death your beneficiaries...
Harold! If you and your friend
wish to exchange ribald stories,
please take it downstairs.
My friend!
And should you live
to be 100, we... Oh!
I suppose if I live to be 200,
I'll get a velocipede.
If you wish to visit with Mr. Bissonette,
come around some morning. Say about 10:00.
I never wanna see him again. Then
why did you invite him up here?
I invite...
I'd like to... Oh!
If I could only retire now.
Right on the proboscis too.
Who's doing that?
Shades of Bacchus!
Even a worm will turn.
Here's your ice pick.
Don't give him those grapes! Oh!
Look what you've done to my floor. It wasn't
enough for you to pour molasses all over him.
Now you have to stuff him with
grapes and give him the colic!
Come on, darling.
I'll give you some ipecac.
Nettie! Hurry up, now!
All right, I'll hurry.
Don't forget the ipecac.
I thought you said
syrup of squills.
I can't hear you.
Talk louder.
I thought you said
syrup of squills!
All right, syrup of
squills. I don't care.
I don't care either. I'll
get ipecac if you want me to.
Well, ipecac or syrup of
squills. I don't care which.
I don't care either. Tell me
what to get and I'll get it.
Get whichever you want. I don't
care. Whatever they have handy.
It's just the same to me.
Well, it's just the same
to me too. I hate 'em both.
Where will I go?
- Use your own judgment.
- No, you tell me where to go.
I'd like to tell ya both
where to go.
There's no use, dear.
I can't hear a word you're saying.
Somebody's shouting
on the floor below.
Yeah, it was me.
You better run along.
Good-bye! Hurry up!
Who were those women
you were talking to?
Mrs. Dunk upstairs.
Seems to me you're getting pretty
familiar with Mrs. Dunk upstairs.
They were talking to me.
I wasn't talking to them.
Peep, peep!
Peep, peep!
Take that, you rat.
Good morning,
Mrs. Frobisher.
Oh, good morning,
Mr. Bissonette.
at 15 cents a box!
Two boxes, a quarter!
Quarter! Strawberries!
Cabbage! Good morning! Got
good fruit this morning, miss!
Vegetable man!
Vegetable gentleman?
There. Take that.
Coming! Coming! Coming!
Oh, John, what are we gonna
do? Gosh, I don't know.
Your mother says I'm a crook,
and your father thinks
I tried to double-cross him.
I'll probably never see you
again! Oh, yes, you will.
I'll be way out in California.
How can I?
Listen, I'm going out there too, the first
money I get saved, if it's only bus fare.
You'll forget all about me.
No, I won't, honey.
Oh, John!
Good-bye, honey.
Good-bye, everybody.
Good-bye. What's your
first stop, Amelia?
Won't stop till we get
500 miles from here.
Oh, dear. Drop me a postcard. Good-bye!
What happened?
Got a flat tire?
Flat tire?
Good-bye, Mr. Muckle.
Good-bye. Good-bye!
- No, I'm over here. - Say good-bye
to poor Mrs. Bissonette, darling.
Say bye-bye.
What's the matter?
Out of gas?
Uh, no, sir.
Just had it filled up last night.
Where you goin'?
More power to you.
That's the fella
wanted those kumquats.
I wouldn't ride across the country
with that man for a million dollars.
You're right.
Why don't...
Give me that.
Sit down there!
Get back in the car! The
starter works! I was gonna...
Hey, Pop, look!
I see it.
Watch out for that car!
That's all right, dear. I know
what I'm doing. Hold on to your hat.
Watch me pass
this mud turtle.
Harold, what are you trying
to do? Get back on the road!
Okay. You win.
Ah, that must've been
a plowed field. Oh!
# Oh, the moonlight's
fair tonight #
# Along the Wabash #
Are you drinking? No, I'm
not, dear. I was thinking.
Go in, go to bed.
You too, Mildred.
Get your things.
We have to be up
early in the morning.
There's no room in the
tent for you, dear. No?
You'll have to curl up in the
easy chair. Oh, yeah. This one?
No, the deck chair.
Oh, yes.
And don't forget to put some
wood on the fire. I won't, dear.
And no more drinking!
Oh, no. No, no.
Good night, dear.
# In the distance looms... #
Isn't that music lovely
in the open air?
Uh, yes, it is, dear. It is.
Possibly a couple of "gipsies. "
Where I first received my lesson Yeah.
# Nature's school #
# But one thing
there is lacking in the picture #
# Without her face
the scene is incomplete #
# So incomplete #
# I long to see my mother
in the doorway #
# As she stood there years ago #
# Her boy to greet #
# Oh, the moonlight's fair #
# Tonight along the Wabash #
Don't forget to put
the wood on the fre!
Oh, I won't, dear.
# Through the fields there comes
a breath of new-mown hay #
# Of new-mown hay #
# Through the sycamores #
# The candlelights #
# Are gleaming #
# On the banks of the Wabash #
# Far away #
# Plink, plink, plink, plink #
# Plink, plink, plink, plink
plink, plink, plink, plink #
# Hoo-wah, hoo-wah #
# There's where
my road is turning #
# Back to my
Indiana Hoosier home #
# On the banks #
# Of the Wabash #
# Far away #
Pardon me, gentlemen.
Hope I'm not intruding.
Not at all.
As a younger man, I used to belong to the
Cohoxan Hose Glee Club in Philadelphia.
Uh, do you boys
know the, uh...
the, uh, two, uh...
Um, excuse me.
I can't find my pockets with this
bib on. It's kind of chilly tonight.
Do you know the "Two
Sweethearts" song? How does it go?
# A crowd of young fellows #
# One night at the club #
# Were telling
of sweethearts they had #
Oh, excuse me.
That cow
ust put me off-key.
# A crowd of young fellows
one night at the club #
# Were telling
of sweethearts they had #
# All of them were jolly #
# Excepting one youth #
And he was downhearted and sad
What on Earth? That old fool.
Harold? Coming, dear.
Coming, dear. Coming, dear.
# Come, chum Won't you join us #
# His comrades then asked #
# For surely some girl
has loved you #
# Then bowing his head #
# As... #
Coming, dear! Coming!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
My wife's calling me.
Let's stop someplace along
the road and have our lunch.
All right, dear. Everybody watch
for a nice place, and I'll stop.
Oh, that was a nice spot
we just passed!
Well, don't tell me after we've
passed it! Tell me before we get to it!
Hey there!
Here, here, here!
What're ya doing?
Just lookin' around. Can't a
guy look? Nah, ya can't look!
And ya can't loiter
around this place.
Hey, Pop, we're coming to a
park! Let's have lunch there.
There's the gate.
Hey, Pop! The sign
says, "Private property"!
That's just
to keep the tramps out.
This is the finest camping ground
we've struck all the way out.
Certainly is, dear.
These are beautiful woods,
huh? Look at that lovely pond.
Oh, that's magnificent.
Look out where you're going!
Look what you've done! She
ran right in front of the car.
Why, it's a statue, you idiot!
It's the Venus de Milo.
Would there be any objection
if we looked around a little?
Sorry. We don't allow
anybody on the estate.
Ah, crackers!
Good old crackers.
That was a smart thing of me to
bring those crackers along, wasn't it?
Oh, yes, dear.
Yes, yes.
These were the best-selling
crackers, too, I had in the store.
We sure picked out
a delectable spot.
Harold, open this can.
Ah, tomatoes.
Yes, to-mah-tas.
I'll show you how we used
to open them in the army.
Guess I was
thinkin' of the navy.
Holy mackerel.
Sorry, dear.
This sundial is,
um, 10 minutes slow.
Yes. The sun is wrong, but
your watch is right, of course.
Usually keeps
pretty good time.
Give me a sandwich,
will you, dear? Thanks.
Don't eat any more sandwiches.
You've had enough today.
Harold, give him half of yours. Hmm?
Give him half of yours!
Sit down and eat
like a gentleman!
Okay, dear.
Okay to use this pillow?
Excuse me, honey.
What's this?
Cut it out!
Harold, stop it!
That's one of my best pillows!
Stop playing
with that dog! Oh!
Harold, quit playing
with that dog!
Stop that! Stop that!
Oh, you idiot!
Those were
my mother's feathers.
Stop that!
I never knew
your mother had feathers.
You're always
annoying that dog.
Me? When I get out to the ranch,
I'm gonna swap him for an iron deer.
Look at that stuff.
Look at that.
Why do we eat it?
Uh-oh. Ah! Aah!
Oh, there's
the can opener.
Yeah. Was there
all the time, I guess.
Oh, look at that.
Excuse me.
Stop throwin'
those cans around!
Want 'em
to cut my tires?
What's the umbrella for?
It's raining. Nonsense.
Raining with the sun out?
Maybe it's a sun shower. Twaddle.
Maybe it's a cloud bust.
Yeah, a burst.
What are you
doing here, huh?
Cut it out. Here, here!
What are you doing here?
Havin' a picnic, eh?
We have as much right to
have our lunch here as anyone!
Yeah? How'd you get in here? Harold!
We drove in! Well, you
can drive right out!
We will when we get ready!
You can get ready right now!
This is private property! Harold!
Don't argue with them.
They're beneath our dignity.
What are these people
doing here?
I don't know. I don't know how they
got in. Shall I have them arrested?
No, I don't want to be
bothered. Just get them out!
Come on! Haul your freight
or I'll run you in anyway!
Come on. Get in, honey.
Hurry up! Get out of here!
Hey! Hey, you!
Why were you sitting there
like a stone image...
when those men
were insulting me?
I was just waiting for one
of'em to say something to me.
Oh! Oh!
Isn't this a beautiful
place? Yes, it is.
"Clarence Abernathy. "
We're in the neighborhood. I'll bet
our place is as beautiful as this.
I- I beg your pardon.
You Mr. Abernathy?
Yes, sir. What can I do for
you? Where's the McKillon ranch?
Oh, that place.
Stay on the highway till you strike
a dirt road. You can't miss it.
Uh, there's a white fence
there. Oh, thank you.
Didn't have her in gear.
Jersey license!
I'll bet they're the folks that bought
the McKillon ranch. I'll bet they are too.
Oh, look at
these lovely trees!
I hope our ranch
is half as nice as this.
Wait till you see it.
Maybe I've been wrong
about this whole thing, Harold.
I knew you were, dear,
but I never said anything.
We're all liable
to make mistakes.
Well, here we are.
Here's your orange grove.
You knew it all, as usual!
Wouldn't listen to anybody!
John Durston tried to
tell you the truth. No.
You dragged us out here,
spent every nickel on this,
and now what?
This is evidently
a young orange tree.
Young orange tree!
It's a weed, you idiot!
Hmm. I'm gonna look
at that map again.
- Hey, Pop, look what I found!
- Huh?
We can put our name
on it and use it!
Now are you satisfied?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Look at this house!
A ranch house!
The fella told me it wasn't
a very good-looking house.
"Very good-looking house"?
It's a shack!
Hmm. Well, I can spend a lot
of my spare time fixing this up.
Have to putty
those cracks out in back.
Look, a horseshoe!
They say it's lucky
to walk under a horseshoe!
Oh, what a father you've got!
Come, Mildred!
Well, that's better.
3,452 miles for this!
We may have to
rebuild after all.
What with?
Well, you can stay here and
wallow in misery if you want to.
I won't! I'm going!
Where are you going? Anywhere to
get away from this filthy dump!
Come, children. Hey,
Pop! Look! An orange!
Oh, Amelia! Amelia!
Come on back!
I'll drive ya!
That's fine.
Guess I won't take you
after all.
Everything goes at once.
Well, she lasted
this long anyway.
Quite a job here.
Yes, that's what we'll have to
take back: The old choo-choo.
Say, are you Bissonette?
But you're the man who bought
this property, ain't ya? Yeah.
Well, congratulations! You're
lucky and ya didn't know it, did ya?
I wasn't absolutely
sure about it.
Those fellas lookin' for you
yesterday ust drove to my place.
So I says to myself, I'm
gonna tell ya. Tell me what?
They're building a racetrack
on the adjoining property.
They made a mistake
about the afternoon sun.
They've got to have this place
for a grandstand,
right on this spot.
Oh, thanks very much. Thank
you very much. Thank you.
Here they come now.
Watch yourself.
Hold out for any price. Don't
let them kid ya. You can get it.
Good morning.
How ya doin'?
Do you own this place?
Yes, I do.
You wanna sell it?
I might consider selling it,
but it'll alter my plans.
Well, I want to put up a... a filling
station here. I'll give you 5,000 for it.
Oh, it's more than it's worth,
but I need the property.
Nah, I wouldn't consider
it. I'll give you 10,000.
Now, that's as high
as I can go.
Nothing doing.
- Are you drunk or crazy?
- Neither one.
Aw, come on. Come on.
I'll give ya 15,000 for it.
Harold! Harold!
All right!
25,000, and that's the top!
Mister, you're talkin'
to a businessman.
Listen to me, Harold!
Here. Here. Come over
here. Harold! Harold!
You keep out of it.
This is a private argument.
You're drunk!
And you're crazy.
But I'll be sober tomorrow, and you'll
be crazy for the rest of your life.
What... All right,
what's your price?
I'll tell you.
Here, hold that.
I'll tell you my price
right here.
You see
that orange ranch?
That orange ranch
and 40 thou...
Mr. Abernathy here has got
to get his commission. Thanks.
It's a holdup!
But it's a deal.
Oh, excuse me.
Come on.
Mother! Mother!
Dad, quick! Mother's
fainted! Huh? Oh. Oh, here.
Here. Give her some
of this reviver.
Doesn't that
taste good?
You're an old idiot,
but I can't help loving you.
Give her another drink.
How did you know this...
Look here, Buster.
You can have half of that.
I only need this much.
John, will you drive?
Thank you.
Hey, Mom!
Where are we going? Never mind.
Get in and take those skates off.