It's a Joke, Son! (1947) Movie Script

I tell you... I say I tell you
this infiltration has got to stop.
Do you realize they are Northern spies?
They're born from within.
It's treachery.
Northern treachery.
Get the blast on that character.
He's the guy we need
to make speeches for Leeds, come on.
Northern spies from Washington.
Since when do we have to import
our apples from foreign places?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Born and bred in the South.
Mr. Claghorn, I have to get my apples
from someplace, and they grow up North.
Then something's got to be done about it.
Speaking in general, I Grant...
Don't ever mention
that name in my presence.
It means nothing.
But what can we do, Mr. Claghorn?
Eliminate the North,
make the whole country South.
That way
we'd call these apples Southern spies.
-Hey, you.
-Claghorn is the name.
Beauregard Claghorn, that is. Howdy.
Son, in my plan,
you simply move the Mason-Dixon line
up around the Great Lakes.
Make Canada the North.
After that, anyone who couldn't talk
with a Southern drawl
would have to get a passport.
-What about our maps, Mr. Claghorn?
-Did you ever look at the map?
You'll notice
how all the rivers flow South.
That's because of the shape of the Earth.
Nonsense, son,
it's because they can't stand it up North.
Claghorn, you're wasting our time.
Speaking of maps, you know we have 2 states
down here, South Carolina and North Carolina.
North Carolina?
No such place.
Why don't they call it
Upper South Carolina?
I can't, for the life of me, understand
why we've got South Dakota up North.
There I go.
Say that awful word again.
What's the difference, Mr. Claghorn?
We all have American blood in us,
whether we come from the North
or the South.
That's liable, son.
I wouldn't have any Northern blood in me
if I was dying and needed a transfusion.
I don't know, Mr. Claghorn.
My daughter married a Northern man.
A Southern girl, married to a Northerner.
George, their children will be half-breed.
-Claghorn, we haven't got all day.
That's a joke, son, half-breed.
A Southern girl married to a Northerner.
I haven't even begun to talk,
that's just a whisper for me.
-If you truly want to hear me
-No, save it, Claghorn.
-We'll pay you to make noises like that.
-Pay me?
-Gentlemen, what have I got to do?
Plain old fancy oratory, radio talking,
barbershop arguing or hog-calling?
We want you to make speeches
for Senator Alexander P. Leeds.
Leeds, that boondoggle and pussyfooting,
carpetbagging, pusillanimous.
Pusillanimous ideas, provoking.
Wait a minute,
we'll pay you $25 a speech.
I wouldn't care
if you paid me in Confederate money.
Now this Leeds
When you mention that man Leeds to me,
a man who's done more to sully the fair
name of the South than the boll weevil,
you got a bull by the tail,
and I'm freaking that tail in your face.
It's my tail, talk, I mean to say,
and stand back from this.
I defy you
and the corruption you represent.
-Shut up.
-Shut up?
I want to begin to talk,
and no power on Earth can challenge me.
Yes, my dear.
Talk, talk, talk.
-That's all you do.
-Yes, dear.
The Daughters of Dixie
are meeting at the house today
and we still have
to help Mary Lou get things ready.
-Yes, dear.
-Oh, come on.
Daisy, don't you know
that's a Northern apple?
Do you want to get distemper?
Drop it.
Come on.
Yes, dear.
Home, Abigail.
-Were you expecting anybody else?
I knew I'd make you fall for me,
but not that hard.
What are you doing here?
I dropped in to see
if you were still lovely.
You better drop out quickly,
you know how Mother feels about us.
I know, she just told me all about it.
She told you?
Yes, but she didn't know about it.
I hiss on the back of the surrey,
but she didn't know that.
Oh, the chances you take.
That's nothing
to the chances I take for you.
Listen, honey, I went out
with the Arctic Packing Company
again today to see that salesman, Clancy.
Please don't talk about work.
-Would you put this up here for me?
-I thought you'd be interested.
After all,
I getting that frozen food truck
is one of the most vital things
in both of our lives.
We won't have any lives
if mother catches you here.
Wait until I start my frozen food business
and you'll see how she'll change her tune.
The wait is right.
But that truck costs $2,700, you said.
You haven't even got enough
for a down payment.
That's a detail that's a bit rough,
but once I get going
You better get going right now.
Can't you make this horse go any faster?
Abigail, as you know,
has only three speeds.
Slow, dead-slow, and stop.
Who were those two men
you were yelling at back in town?
Those insects weren't men.
Rebooters, scallywags.
They had the impudence to try to bribe me.
They offered me money.
Money for what?
Making speeches.
Making speech?
That's practically stealing it for you,
When do you start?
I don't.
You mean you turned it down.
I'd rather you say I gave it up.
Claghorn doesn't sell his honesty
and integrity for money.
We've sold nearly everything else.
I say I refuse to heed that
sniveling hypocrite Senator Leeds.
I can't say I blame you for that.
But that's just like you, Beauregard.
You finally get a chance to make money,
and it has to be one you can't accept.
I know.
Did our allowance arrive yet?
In the mail.
I hope so.
All we got to our names
is the monthly allowance
from that weed patch.
Weed patch?
Do you call the Claghorn mint bed
a weed patch?
The land that supplies the entire South
with the most juicy mint
that was ever squeezed into a julep.
Stop fooling around and come on.
All right, Beauregard, come on.
Bring the groceries and come on.
Mother's home.
Hey, I forgot something.
Oh, go.
Mary Lou.
Yes, mother.
-Is everything ready, Mary Lou?
-Oh, yes, mother. Yes.
-What is that behind your back?
Don't you have some lunch
to get or something?
What is that behind your back?
-That's mine, Magnolia.
Yours, since when do you wear two hats?
When it's cold, it's my spare hat.
I wear it in my spare time.
You've never worn a thing like that
since I can remember.
I had it before I met you.
I wore it when I was a boy.
Oh, so you wore it when you were a boy.
My hat shrunk a little.
Jeff happened by,
he helped me move this furniture.
So that's the way it is,
conspiring against me.
If that Jeff Davis
comes in this house once more,
I'm going to pack up
and go home to Mother.
You will?
-Oh, so you want to get rid of me?
-Oh, no, dear, I only said
-I heard what you said.
-I must have said something.
Of all the contemptible things to say,
after I've been such a good wife.
-Oh, now, mom
-Can you just stay out of it.
I can't, not when I see you two this way.
Arguing all the time.
Then why don't you both do
what I want once in a while?
Once in a while.
But mom, we always give in to you.
Then why doesn't your father
do something useful?
Mama, I'm sure that
if you'd only show Papa
a little more sympathy,
that it'd give him a new incentive.
Oh, ridiculous.
If I didn't drive your father
to do things, he wouldn't do anything.
Oh, sure, it's easy to put
all the blame on me, but look at us.
Mama, if you'd only try speaking nicely
to Dad, I'm sure that
Very well, I'll try it.
Oh, Beauregard!
that man.
That man.
You're calling me, my dear?
Calling you?
I shouted until I was blue in the face.
My dear, you look very well in blue.
Oh, stop wasting time and help Mary Lou
Dear me,
the Daughters can't be here already.
I'll go, I'll see who it is.
I'll go.
Come on in.
Morning, Mr. Peterson.
Morning, Mr. Claghorn.
I got a special delivery letter for you.
Special delivery?
Who'd be sending me
a special delivery letter?
Your aunt Agatha?
-Maybe that nephew of yours in the army.
-How about that Uncle Charlie of yours?
-We no longer correspond, sir.
Not since he married a girl named Lincoln.
That girl, she'll make a lady.
A girl named Lincoln
has no right to be from Atlanta.
Well, there's only one way
to find out who this letter is from.
A check.
This doesn't beat all get out.
They certainly have got their nerve.
Probably didn't talk to you about it
in the first place.
Mr. Claghorn,
I wouldn't stand for it if I were you.
-You wouldn't?
-No, sir.
You've got to stand on your rights.
Mr. Peterson, you're right.
A man has got to stand on his rights.
That's the spirit.
So long, Mr. Claghorn.
So long, Mr. Peterson.
I guess I'm getting
a little absent-minded.
Absent-minded, that is.
Anyhow, Mr. Claghorn,
I want you to know
that you get the most interesting mail
on my whole route.
That's mighty nice of you
to say so, sir.
Morning, Mr
Claghorn is the name.
-Claghorn, sir.
-Morning, Mr. Peterson.
Mary Lou!
Look here!
We're rich!
Look, 1,500 dollars.
where in the world did
The lawyer made a deal for the mint bed
with a Kentucky Distillery.
Whiskey, you understand?
They're going to put up
bottled mint juleps with Claghorn's mint.
That's wonderful, Daddy.
I could almost kiss you for that.
Thank you, my dear, it's nice of you
to almost want to kiss me.
Why don't you kiss him, Mama?
Magnolia, my blossom,
prepare to defend yourself.
Stop it now.
Stop it!
- Beauregard, stop at this very
-One little kiss.
What on Earth has come over you?
Stop it, stop it!
Stop it, this instance, Beauregard.
-Just one little kiss.
-What on Earth has come over you?
When you blush that way,
you're as pretty as the day I married you.
Stop it, oh, God.
-Stop it!
-Oh, Magnolia.
There's nobody here to see us.
Oh my goodness, Beauregard,
watch out for my sacroiliac.
-All right.
-Stop it, Beauregard.
-Stop it this very instance!
-Just one little kiss.
You're wrinkling my antimacassar.
Oh, my dear, I hadn't even noticed it.
Magnolia, have you a cold?
-I didn't cough.
-You didn't?
I though, you didn't!
-Oh, hello.
-We were just sitting.
I was showing Magnolia
a new wrestling hold.
Very interesting, I'm sure.
Ladies, after all,
Mr. Claghorn and I are married.
Legally, that is.
Mr. Claghorn, dear,
perhaps you'd better leave us alone.
Yes, my dear.
Excuse me.
The things for the punch
are on the kitchen table.
The punch in the kitchen,
excuse me, on the table.
Just come right on in, please,
we will serve refreshments immediately.
Wealthy man,
1,500 dollars in my pocket and what am I?
A shoulder jerk.
Jerk, that is.
Come in.
Oh, come in, William.
-What can I do for you?
-I'm collecting for the evening paper.
Oh, yes.
-How much is it?
- A dollar-fifteen.
Oh, you don't happen to have change
for 1,500, do you?
Fifteen-hundred dollars?
Gee, if Jeff had that,
he could go right into business.
How do you happen to know
so much about Jeff?
Oh, he's my pal.
He tells me everything.
All he's waiting for is the money.
What business is he going into?
I heard him tell my papa
he wanted to buy a truck.
Truck, what does he want with a truck?
Carry the bodies around.
First, he dresses them,
and then he puts them in the truck.
That way they keep frozen stiff.
I declare.
-Jeff's going to become an undertaker.
-What's an undertaker?
You have plenty of time
to find out about that.
Oh, my, wait till Magnolia finds out
Jeff wants to be an undertaker.
What are you making, pot?
Yes, grape juice and lemonade
for the ladies.
Can I help you, Mr. Claghorn?
Thank you, William, yes.
There's some grape juice
in the cupboard there, can you get it?
Sure, I'm a good grape juice getter.
Let's see.
Grape juice.
If I knew how to read, that might help.
Maybe this is it.
I got it, Mr. Claghorn.
Pour it in.
Well, beginning to shape up.
I must find out
where Magnolia bought this grape juice.
We haven't got enough yet, William.
Get more grape juice,
we've got to fill up this other bowl.
Pour it in?
Yes, pour in the bowl, William.
-Pour it in?
-Pour it in.
Pour it in?
Yes, pour it in.
I wonder what they're making grape juice
out of these days.
Should I fill up the other bowl too?
Yes, thank you, William.
Now, ladies, it has been decided
that women should take more interest
in the affairs of the state.
We've left almost everything to the men,
and look what a mess
they made of the world.
We have several
important issues to discuss.
First, let's have the punch,
Annabel, it's so warm today.
It's the Claghorn
special formula, Mrs. Dinwiddie.
Most refreshing.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
And one for you, Jennifer,
and you Matilda.
I just love punch.
If you drank punch instead
of that awful whiskey,
this would be a better world.
It might be better,
but it wouldn't be as much fun.
-Alcohol will never pass our lips.
No, I never let it get past me either.
Oh, me.
Thank you, Beauregard,
you serve very nicely.
Thank you, my dear.
you see the man's place is in the home.
That's fine, William.
You've been a big help.
My mother thinks I'm a brat.
She does?
Sure, and she's right too.
I used up all the grape juice.
Do you want to taste it?
Sure it is a powerful grape juice.
You're a fine little man, I like you.
Then how about giving me my $1.15?
Friends never discuss money matters.
Grape juice always do that, Mr. Claghorn?
Of course not.
I'm glad I don't have to put out
any fires with this punch.
Is it all ready for the ladies now?
Yes, but are the ladies ready for it?
I'm going to play cops and robbers.
Can I borrow Daisy to beat Billy?
She's a bloodhound.
Son, that dog is a bloodhound.
She's a pedigreed bloodhound.
-No fooling?
Daisy, if you're a bloodhound,
let's see your blade.
That's a joke, son.
Come on, Daisy.
I say that women should enter politics.
A woman might even get
to be president like George Washington.
She might get to be president,
but she could never
be the father of her country.
Please, please,
this is no time for levity.
all my life, I've been a teacher.
I have never taken a drink in my life
and that just stands in this fresh state.
I say we should have prohibition again.
the Daughters of Dixie shall campaign
to make this state
as dry as it was during prohibition.
We girls shall be a shining example
because none of us ever drink.
Now we shall hear from the chairman
of the Ways and Means Committee, Hortense.
Carry me back to old Virginny.
There's where the cotton
and corn and taters grow,
Either the grape juice is getting stronger
or women are getting weaker.
What's the matter with her?
Her mother was the same way.
She always wanted to sing.
Listen, honey, that salesman
won't wait much longer either.
There must be a way
to get that money, Jeff.
I wish I knew how.
If I don't raise it quickly,
they'll sell the truck to somebody else.
If I had any courage, I'd tell Mary Lou
to go ahead and marry that boy,
in spite of her mother.
Girl's got a right
to marry the boy she loves.
Even if he does want to be an undertaker.
Maybe your mother's right.
I couldn't even support you.
Oh, that's not the fine way to talk.
When you pay for the truck,
mother will see things differently.
Yes, if and when.
Right now, it looks like never.
We mustn't give up, Jeff.
-Come over here, you two.
-Hello, Daddy.
-What's happened?
-Nothing yet, but something's going to.
A Claghorn always means what he says
and means what he says.
Oh, and vice versa, that is.
I'm going to give you $1,500
to make a down payment on that truck.
-Fifteen hundred dollars, Daddy.
-Mr. Claghorn.
Your dowry, my dear.
A fine Southern custom,
which your mother completely disregarded.
Oh, but Daddy $1,500,
that's just wonderful.
Oh, no, I'm not going to let you do it.
It's the money
from your mint bed, right?
It makes no difference, my dear.
Jeff, I can't say that I approve
the things you'll carry in your truck.
What's the matter?
Everything is kept as good as new.
Good as new?
The refrigeration keeps them frozen solid,
stiff as a board.
-They could stay in that truck for years.
-Why would anybody want them that way?
-Oh, but Daddy, they thaw out in an hour.
-They thaw out?
-Then you can put them in your own icebox.
-Put them in my icebox?
-Sure, in the icebox.
-Oh, no.
Is there something wrong
with you, Mr. Claghorn?
Jeff, my boy, whatever made you decide
to become an undertaker?
Daddy, no.
Look, Mr. Claghorn,
this is a frozen food truck.
My boy, you put ten years back on my life.
Of course, you could have said
you were a Southern planter.
That's a joke, son.
Be alert, pay attention.
Don't let them get by you.
-Congratulations, Jeff.
-Thank you, sir.
I know you'll be successful.
Long history,
our organization is going to nominate
its own candidate for the Senate.
Our political committee
has given the matter of candidate
thorough thought.
We have unanimously agreed
that the right woman to carry our bearing
in the coming campaign
will be Magnolia Claghorn.
Our next senator.
I don't know what to say.
This is no time for words, Magnolia.
This is the time for action.
Now, about campaign funds.
I declare, listen to those girls.
The meeting is breaking up,
you children run along now.
You're not kidding?
-Oh, Daddy, the check.
-Oh, yes, give me the check.
Oh, the check, here it is.
Wait a minute, you've got to endorse it.
Oh, I heartily endorse this check, amen.
-No, Daddy.
-Sign it on the back, please, here.
You girls have done nobly,
but we're still short
of money for our campaign fund.
I will personally contribute
1,500 dollars.
I'll write the check for it right now.
Oh, wow!
I am glad down South
we got good cotton, card up North.
The cotton blocks them away.
All right, I can take a hint,
They have all gone.
What are you so happy about?
I'm sorry, my dear,
I didn't mean to be happy.
I've got something to tell you.
From now on, I'm going to wear
the pants in this family.
Naturally, dear, I thought
you were going to tell me something new.
I am.
The Daughters of Dixie
have decided to run me for state senator.
That's a very good thing
State senator?
The honorable Magnolia Claghorn.
Magnolia, that's quite a surprise.
That's quite a surprise.
Yes, sir, that's quite a
-I said that, didn't I?
I've donated that $1,500
to the campaign fund.
You what?
Stop acting like a moron.
I gave them the money
we made on the mint bed.
-You did?
I wrote my personal check for it,
so I hope
you put that money in the bank already.
Oh, yes, I did.
No, I didn't, I gave it to Mary Lou
to put it in the bank.
Oh, good.
-Sounds like a truck.
We don't expect any deliveries.
Oh, no, it can't be a truck.
Oh, it's the thunder.
-Yes, a big storm is coming up.
-Rain is coming down.
-The rain is
-Wind is going sideways.
-Grass all over the place.
-The poor fella's bleeding.
-Yes, dear.
-I'm going out to see what that is.
-Oh, didn't I forget
-What's the matter with you, anyhow?
You finish up what you were doing here.
I'm going out
to see what that truck wants.
Yes, dear.
Oh, senator,
I'm dead.
It's just beautiful, Jeff.
Those new ice compartments are nice.
Our whole future is in this.
Yes, as soon as we make all the payments,
we're in the bag.
Jeff, what is the meaning of this?
-Hello, Mom.
-Hi, Mom.
Isn't this beautiful?
You're looking at the new tycoon
of the frozen food trade, Mrs. Claghorn.
Did you deposit the check in the bank yet?
In the bank?
-Is that what Papa told you?
-Of course.
Then, that's exactly what I did.
Where did Jeff get the money
to buy that truck?
-Well, I
-A rich uncle died.
Yes, he died.
He must have died rather suddenly.
Yes, it just occurred to me,
to him, I mean.
He ran out of breath.
I'm running out of patience.
Everybody's acting
mighty strange around here.
That check had better be in the bank.
The Daughters of Dixie
are nominating me for state senator.
State senator!
-Oh my, Mama, that's wonderful.
-Congratulations, Mom.
Thank you.
Nobody asked you.
Mary Lou, I've drawn a check
for the full $1,500
to donate to my campaign fund.
-You have?
-I certainly have.
I have to run along now, honey.
And you, get that monstrosity
off of these premises.
Oh, Jeff.
Gee, honey, this is bad.
We have to get that money back somehow.
They'll never return it,
the contract's already signed.
-We've got to think of something.
-I suppose so.
I'll see what I can do
and get in touch with you later.
Goodbye, beautiful.
Can't find him when wanted,
but when not, you can't get rid of him.
Magnolia Claghorn to run for Senate.
A fine mess of horseradish
you've got us into.
Mrs. Claghorn.
Who's Mrs. Claghorn?
The only thing that could beat us
right now is just this, a woman.
-Boss, nobody knows Mrs. Claghorn.
-You're in the South now.
Down here a woman is more than a woman.
She's an institution, a superstition.
You want to cling to the past 12 years,
you better start thinking
and start thinking fast.
-What is it?
-There's a Mr. Jeff Davis to see you, sir.
I don't know any Davis, what does he want?
He says it's personal.
Okay, send him in.
What do you want, Senator?
Can I go to lunch now, I'm hungry?
Stay put!
-What's on your mind, young man?
-I'd like to talk to Senator Leeds.
I handle all his business for him,
my name is Healey, Big Dan Healey.
-I've heard of you.
-Will you have a cigar?
-Thank you, sir.
-What's your business with the senator?
I've always had a great admiration
for Senator Leeds
Thank you very much.
Shake hands with Mr What's your name?
-Jefferson Davis.
-Shake hands with Mr. Davis, Senator.
-I can't.
-What do you mean?
My hand is caught in a desk drawer.
Now shake hands.
-Not with me, with him.
-I hope you get reelected, Senator.
-I don't mind.
Young fella, now let's have it.
-What do you want to see me about?
-I have a way to defeat Mrs. Claghorn.
-You have?
Now, here's the way it has to be worked.
Daisy, you see me at my lowest ebb.
If I don't replace that money,
the Claghorn name will be disgraced.
You're lucky to be a dog.
Your troubles are canine.
Mine are asinine.
If you weren't a dog,
I'd get a laugh on that.
Don't sit there
with your tongue hanging out.
Pray for me.
Mr. Claghorn.
Mr. Claghorn.
-I got good news.
-What is it?
-Three thousand dollars worth of it?
-Nobody saw you take it, did they?
Mr. Claghorn, would you care very much
if Mrs. Claghorn
were beaten in the election?
Son, if Magnolia was elected,
my life wouldn't be worth living.
Good, then we can keep the 3,000 dollars.
Yes, but I don't understand.
We had to get the money
to give to your wife,
so I went to Mr. Healey.
-Healey! Why that load
-Now, wait a minute.
-He's the one that gave me the money.
-Take it back.
It was likely printed
in the Philadelphia Mint.
Why do they call it mint anyhow?
Mint belongs with juleps,
and juleps belong in the South.
I know.
I told Healey that he could stop
Mrs. Claghorn from being elected
by starting a third party
and splitting the vote.
Yes, they do it all the time.
So he gave me $3,000
for the campaign fund.
Who are they running against Magnolia?
- It's a good thing Me?
Take it easy, Mr. Claghorn, you've got
to stand on your rights sometimes.
I know,
but how am I going to stand on my rights
while Magnolia is standing on my face?
Do you really think I'd make
a good senator?
You'd make a loud one,
and that's mighty important.
Look, Beauregard, even Daisy knows
there are two sides to you,
the humble and great.
If you just showed a little gumption,
you could be a great man.
You could be a leader of men.
My God, you're right.
The first thing I do,
I'll assert myself to Magnolia.
She heard me.
You better beat it.
Magnolia will never stand
for the two of us in the same house.
Yes, dear.
-Yes, dear.
-Someone's knocking at the door.
Answer it.
-We want to talk to you, Claghorn.
-We might have to give you a warning.
-Are you gentlemen trying to threaten me?
-Yes, we're threatening you.
What about it?
Nothing, I just wanted to make sure.
Be positive,
I meet a lot of nice people that way.
We just want to tell you,
don't try to double-cross us
in this election.
One funny trick out of you,
and there'll be two candidates running,
Leeds and your wife.
What are you going to do to me?
Eradicate, eliminate, exterminate you.
Knock you off.
Take your choice, they all mean the same.
Gentlemen, that's murder.
Yes, isn't it?
What if the people should elect me?
In that case,
you get the biggest funeral in history.
The best thing we can do for your father
is to see that he gets elected.
-Do you really think he has a chance?
-He has more than a chance.
From now on, I'm going to do
everything I can to help him.
Support growing for Beauregard Claghorn.
Boss Healey's machine threatened
by the rising popularity of Claghorn.
It's a fine mess.
We don't have trouble with one Claghorn,
but with all of them.
-I'm sick and tired of it.
-Here he is, Boss.
What is the meaning of this abduction?
I protest.
-I'm a Southern gentleman and I like to
-Shut up!
I think you gentlemen
are a disgrace to the South.
-If you don't mind my saying so.
-We mind.
That's what I thought.
-Now if I only
-Shut up!
What other languages do you speak?
Get off your high horse, Claghorn.
You're here for a reason.
Let me tell you something,
we've had more than a dozen parades
in this part for Leeds,
we've had more speeches for Leeds
than we ever had before,
and still the people
are not interested in him.
I haven't done anything
to make people vote for me.
The same, if you're elected,
you'd better start
making a deposit on a cemetery slot.
Us guys make a living
stopping guys like you from living.
What do you want me to do?
You've got 3,000 bucks,
enough to be elected.
It's up to you
to find a way to earn that dough.
In the South, we settle such disputes
like gentlemen, by negotiating.
All right, let's negotiate.
With you?
That's impossible.
-I don't even know your kinfolk.
Besides, I think there's a trace
of Northern blood in you.
I don't like your method, Mr. Dan Healey.
You pony, hotaired, Southwind.
Sure I'm from the North,
but I'm running things here in the South.
-The sooner you Southerners find out
-No, that's it.
You are from the North.
That's the last straw.
Taking orders
from a Northerner, I will not tolerate.
Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of you,
and I'm ashamed of myself
for even talking to you.
Through no fault of my own,
I became involved with you.
However, as of this minute,
I'm through, finished.
I will no longer be a part
of your crooked politics.
From now on,
I'm going to try to be elected.
-Boy, you're cheap
-Shut up!
You don't think you can get away
with this, do you, Claghorn?
I have only one reply to that, Mr. Healey,
may I borrow your gloves?
I have no gloves.
Then this will have to do.
Let that be a lesson for you.
I want to thank you
for making a man of me.
Good day, gentlemen.
It's the biggest crowd ever.
-You'll pick up plenty of votes tonight.
He's been a big help in the campaign.
I like you, son.
-Son, that's it.
-Wait a minute, Daddy, I found him first.
I have two thirds
of the family on my side at least.
-Get ready, Harvey's going to announce.
-Oh, how do I look?
Beautiful, Daddy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the speaker of the evening
and a candidate for Senator,
Beauregard Claghorn.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Claghorn is the name,
Beauregard Claghorn, that is.
Mr. Harvey here has been helping me
in my campaign.
He's going to assist me tonight
in telling you why a vote for Claghorn
is a step in the right direction.
Even if you're not going that way.
Before we get to the main subject,
there are a few things
I'd like to say first.
Stick to the speech, Beauregard.
I'm sorry, son,
I've got some things on my chest.
Things I can't get off my chest
with bicarbonate of soda.
Go ahead and laugh,
laughing is good for the soul.
I want you to laugh.
Everybody would be much better
off if more heels had souls.
Heels had souls.
If you're listening,
you should be laughing.
If there's any Yankees in the audience,
I'll wrestle them, two falls out of three.
-Please, speech.
-Oh, yes.
Now about this election business,
I'm warning you that if I'm elected,
I won't allow
any streetcars down here to go North.
-Those up there won't be able to get home.
They can always come
to my place, Claghorn Manor
and live in style and comfort.
Southern comfort, that is.
-The audience
-They will eat Southern fish too.
Eels, lees spelled backward.
That's a joke, son.
Here I am, hitting the jackpot,
I'm busting scenes tonight.
Busted my heart,
-You want to say something?
-I want to.
-Go ahead, it's a free country.
-At least the Southern part of it is.
-All of it is.
-Go ahead.
-That's what I've been trying to do.
I don't want it to be said
that I won't let another man talk.
-That's very nice of you.
-Then get to the point.
-You're wasting time, do you understand?
- Minutes, days.
-How how about years?
Years, don't worry about them.
Only walls have ears.
I wasted another one on you.
I'll keep hitting them,
you keep booting them.
Are you through?
Are you serious?
I got more talking
to do about the election.
Yes, give it a chance.
Just once, please.
Somebody get this gentleman
a glass of water,
Mississippi water.
Ladies and gentlemen,
up to now,
Mr. Claghorn has nearly been
warming up his vocal cords.
He's now ready
to address you on the subject
of why you should vote for him
on Election Day.
Mr. Claghorn.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I know a lot of people
are going to want to vote for me
because they are friends of mine.
They shouldn't do it on that basis,
because I'm a man just like yourself.
No better or no worse.
But Boss Healey and his mob
think that they are better than you are.
Maybe that's why they tell you what to do,
make you like it,
even if you don't like it.
Senator Leeds
belongs to that kind of an organization,
the kind that tells us, average people,
what to do and how to do it.
Simply because they think we haven't got
the sense to do things for ourselves.
Who said we haven't got sense?
I don't want a politician
to tell me how to live.
Please, folks, don't be angry with me
because I'm telling you the truth.
We're just as much to blame.
We kept him in office.
We voted for Senator Leeds
and Boss Healey's political machine,
didn't we?
In fact, the way things went before,
it would've been great if we saved the tax
money for elections and had none at all.
Our votes were a joke.
The vote is something
I don't like to joke about.
If I know the South,
I know that you all agree with me.
I don't want any more of Leeds
and those other crooks.
Count me in, old man,
I'm voting for Beauregard Claghorn.
Play something boys.
Don't forget my slogan,
"In this election,"
"get out of your dejection
and make Claghorn your selection."
If I didn't see with my own eyes,
I wouldn't believe it.
Hey, put me down.
You baboons!
You're all thieves.
We will put you down.
Don't rough house me, baboon, watch it.
Shut up.
-Gentlemen, what's the meaning of this?
-Shut up.
-Where are we going?
-Shut up.
-Would you mind very much if I
-Shut up!
I can't remember when I've had
a more interesting conversation.
Yes, I know.
Shut up!
Come on.
Hey, whose house is this, anyhow?
If you're trying to interest me
in real estate
-Shut up!
-Get in that house.
Hey, where do you think you're going?
You gentlemen were ignoring me,
I thought I'd go out and get a little air.
We'll give you some air.
I hope you won't think
it's too bold of me to ask
what you intend to do with me.
You'll find out, bud.
Sit down and stop interrupting.
I get a little tired with nothing to do,
I thought I might join you boys.
Shut up.
-Do you mind playing a game of bridge?
It takes four hands
to play bridge, South, West, East
Yes, I know, and the dummy hand,
N-O-R-T-H dummy.
You've got to sit down.
Yes, sir.
I say yes, sir.
The sudden disappearance of Mr. Claghorn
has blown
the entire election campaign sky-high,
for the police admit their failure
to unearth one single clue
as to the whereabouts of the missing
senatorial candidate, Beauregard Claghorn.
The odd thing is that
Claghorn's dog Daisy has disappeared also.
Rumors are beginning to circulate
that Claghorn,
afraid of something,
vanished of his own accord.
Actually, not the chance.
-That's it.
-What's it?
He's running away again, he's hiding.
-Mama, you don't believe that?
-What else can I believe?
Surely, nobody kidnapped your father
for ransom, we haven't any money.
Maybe it's an attack
to keep him out of the election.
How could that influence the voting?
There won't be any voting,
not for Mr. Claghorn at any rate.
If he doesn't return by 9:00
the night before the election,
he'll be withdrawn from the ballot.
Then that's exactly what he wants.
Jeff Davis,
where there's smoke, there's fire.
If there are any rumors,
then something ensued to start them.
I still think he's running away.
Mama, can't you ever give Papa
the benefit of the doubt?
Why, Mary Lou?
-Honey, you're upset.
-Yes, I'm upset.
They were probably started
by that gossipy old bunch of heads
called Daughters of Dixie.
See here, Mary Lou
Mama, you don't seem to care
what's happened to Papa
all you care about is why he disappeared.
Afraid that if there is a scandal
it'll ruin your chances for election.
-Honey, please.
-I'm proud of my Daddy.
I don't think he did run away.
Instead of sitting here wasting time,
I'm going out to look for him.
You're coming, Jeff?
You bet, baby.
You're here too?
-Kill me and get it over with.
-Don't make so much noise.
When I die, I don't want to go West,
I want to stay in the South.
I don't want to cross the River Jordan
or River Styx.
-The Mississippi is good enough for me.
-You've got to
When I get to heaven, I'm going to see
about changing the name of the North Star.
Boss, make him close his kisser.
He's been driving us bats
with his talk about the South.
When you talk about the South, son,
tip your hat.
-Shut up!
-That's enough!
Why can't I go home?
-You can go now if you want to.
-Can I?
All you have to do is withdraw
from the election.
-I say never.
-Suit yourself.
We'll detain you up here
till 9:00 tonight.
That'll be two hours from now.
By that time,
your name will be off the ballot.
So that's it.
this crime will not go unpunished.
I tell you!
why don't I knock this character off now?
Don't be impatient, Ace,
everything in due time.
Now think it over, sucker,
I've got plenty of time.
-I'll get in touch with you boys later.
Guys say if we don't find your father
before that 9:00 meeting?
He'll be a dead duck
as far as the election is concerned.
Jeff, we've got to find him.
I don't care about the election,
I just want to know that he's all right.
I wish the police could do something.
-What is it, Cliff?
-You want to go to work now, Mr. Davis?
No, not yet, I'll let you know.
These cans are better cooked
than my wife's.
Gentlemen, I've been poisoned.
Now, what's the matter?
These are Boston baked beans.
I should have been a plain pickpocket
like my mother wanted.
What a fate.
-We won't have to listen to you longer.
-Yes, but these
Ladies and gentlemen,
we interrupt this program of dance music
to bring you a vital announcement.
One of the candidates
in the most unusual election campaigns
in the history of this state
is here with us in the studio,
Mrs. Magnolia Claghorn.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I know my announcement
will reach everyone's ears,
but it is really intended
for my husband, Beauregard Claghorn,
if he should be listening in.
I am, Magnolia.
I hope you are, Beauregard.
What's the matter, Magnolia?
I want to tell you
that I have withdrawn from the election,
leaving the field clear
for you to defeat Senator Leeds.
-You can't do that.
Nothing can stop me, my mind is made up.
Why are you doing it, Magnolia?
-Why, that is?
-I love you, Beauregard.
I realized how badly
I've treated you all these years
and now I want you to be a senator.
That's wonderful, Magnolia.
Cut it out,
you're not supposed to talk to anyone.
I can't get out of here,
they're holding me.
No matter where you are,
you've got to reach Town Hall
by 9:00 tonight.
Just let him try it.
Show how brave you are, Beauregard.
Overcome the vile villains
who are holding you, defile them.
Magnolia is very naive.
Come back to me, Beauregard.
I'll do my best, Magnolia.
I know you'll do your best.
This can't be,
it isn't natural, I'm going nuts, crazy!
Those men who kidnapped you
must be out of their minds.
Shut up!
Shut up!
Cut that radio off, shut it off!
Remember, 9:00 tonight.
I guess that'll hold you.
You shouldn't have done that.
Magnolia won't like it.
What stunt are you trying to pull,
I ought to knock you off now.
Don't be hasty, gentlemen.
Sometimes miracles can happen.
Don't move either of you,
or I'll run you through.
If you try anything,
this trusty Confederate blade
will make you look like an olive
in a martini with a toothpick in it.
-You're going to be a wise guy.
-Stay where you are.
Don't come another step.
I'm warning you.
Now I know why the South lost the war.
-Just a minute, fellas.
-We warned you, buddy.
If you just give me time
to repent my hasty temper.
-If you'd
-Shut up!
-Hold it, Knifey, don't cut him yet.
-Cut me?
Would either of you gentlemen
care for a drumstick?
What am I saying?
Lock him up.
We better do as the Boss wants,
wait till he tells us.
-Yes, that's better.
-Let's tie him up.
My pants.
This is embarrassing.
Magnolia wanted me to wear the pants
in the family now.
Shut up!
It is now exactly 25 minutes to 9:00
and still Beauregard Claghorn
hasn't appeared.
Nice of you fellas to carry me.
My feet hurt.
Probably you all know
the magnanimous gesture
made by Mrs. Claghorn
in withdrawing from the campaign
so that her husband, who has achieved
immense popularity with voters,
may have a clean-cut race
with Senator Leads in tomorrow's election.
After this,
a coffin will seem like a relief.
We're working on that too.
-What do you want?
The least you could do
is leave me a fly-squatter.
There's a fly on my nose.
It isn't there now.
You got dishpan hands.
Hey, it's dark in here.
We haven't been through here yet.
Okay, boys, go to work.
It won't be long now.
It seems the Boss
wants Claghorn knocked off.
Oh, sure.
He isn't going to let him
squeal to the cops?
If he's within earshot,
that tune will fetch him.
It always has.
The national anthem.
We make another plea to Mr. Claghorn,
who we hope
he will return before 9:00 tonight
so that his name
may be kept on the ballot.
Hurry, Mr. Claghorn.
Hurry, the time is short.
The chances for your election
are slipping.
Saw my pants.
Stop that truck!
Jeff, look, it's Daisy.
Hurry, Daddy.
Daddy, are you all right?
Yes, sure, I think.
Come on Mr. Claghorn,
we got till 9:00 to get to Town Hall.
-Jeff, can we make it?
-Oh, nothing like trying.
Daisy, come on.
Come on, Daddy.
It will be regrettable indeed,
if Mr. Claghorn doesn't appear here
within the next
four minutes.
It is now two minutes to 9:00.
Time is near.
I see the members of the Board
of Elections talking among themselves.
It's almost time
for them to make the announcement
of the withdrawal
of Beauregard Claghorn's name
from tomorrow's ballot.
90 seconds left now.
Ninety seconds.
Sixty seconds left, one minute.
Fifty seconds.
Thirty seconds.
Four seconds.
Three seconds.
Folks, I guess it's too late.
The officials are coming up
to the microphones now.
-I say it's Beauregard Claghorn.
Hold my dog.
-That was mighty smart of you, Beauregard.
Disappearing the way you did
so that your wife
would withdraw from the election.
-Oh, no!
-No, Magnolia!
Just a minute, folks.
Just a minute, something's happened.
Claghorn has run away again.
Here we are in Southern Belle,
the day after the election,
where a huge victory parade
for Beauregard Claghorn
is lining up at the Boulevard
directly in front of me,
even though Mr. Claghorn himself
is not present,
or even as you are listening to me,
the police are running an intense search
for the new senator,
who disappears
at the strangest times.
Where can he possibly be?
At least we know
they haven't got him.
I see the band is lining up
and the parade is about to begin.
In her husband's absence,
Mrs. Claghorn
is riding in the official car.
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow
can stop Claghorn.
Here I am, folks.
That's a beautiful melody.
That's the national anthem.