It's That Man Again (1943) Movie Script
Morning, Mr Mayor.
Good morning, my good man.
Did you have to sweep the high street
in Acacia Avenue? Look at the time.
- What's your watch say?
- Tick tick.
- Ah, Mr Town Clerk.
- Mr Mayor, this really isn't fair.
The Council's in session,
and you're not there.
Well, I got to the foot of our stair.
Get somebody else to take the chair.
But I can't balance the rates.
Well in that case I'd better
juggle with the petty cash.
Ninepence returned empty,
ten of each way, Fetlock Fanny,
one on Fulton's Hush Money.
That's a throw away two, carry
nine, fly away Peter, fly away
four apples a pound, pears, watermelons
we have none, put down those plums.
No, it's no good.
I shall have to raise the rates again.
- Hello?
- This is Funf speaking.
Oh, a Funf call, eh?
Beware, Mr Mayor.
Your end is in sight.
Good Lord, is my
shirt hanging out?
You won't hang out
much longer, Handly.
Funf will get you.
Funf has spoken.
Oh, go and strain your cabbage water.
He can't frighten me.
Says you.
Now, let me see, where was I?
Oh, ten bob to come
back from the dogs,
two shillings for
secondhand suite tickets,
And there's ahey,
where are you going?
This the way to the stables?
That's right, straight
through and up the stairs.
This place is about as
private as a cup final.
What am I talking about?
We haven't got any stables.
Hey.
Excuse?
Well, if it isn't old ping-pong
pants, what do you want?
Please mister, you give me
permission to peddle on your pier?
Certainly not.
Any other town I
peddle where I like?
Well you can't peddle here,
it upsets my curriculum.
Oh, pity, no, me, mister, please.
I sell you very nice toffee onion?
Very pongy, very sticky.
No thanks, I don't smoke.
- No like him?
- No.
- No, no, mister
- What?
You buy nice pretty postcard.
Very pretty lady. Very warm, very saucy.
How dare you. Let's have a look.
No, no, no. Four
shillings for look.
I wouldn't give you a
fourpence for the lot.
Now go on, hop it and
don't darken my dado again.
- Oh mister.
- Go on.
- Mister.
- What?
I go.
I come back.
I don't care if you
never come back.
And now, back to the chiseling.
These marbles are leading
me up the wrong alley.
I'll try my Wall Street account.
Now let me see.
Bears, bears, two bears,
four bulls, two nanny goats.
Price putting a victim
down, divide by sixteen.
Move to the right in fours.
- I say, what
- Can I do you now, sir?
Well crack me on the
cranium, if it isn't Mrs Mopp,
the char with the
bottomless bucket.
Can Ican I wring you out, sir?
What do you think
I am, the old year?
I think you're
an old rascal, sir.
You've been reading my diary.
I've, I've brought
this for you, sir.
Ah, my robe of office.
Help me on with it, Mrs Mopp. I'm
expecting a summons at any moment.
Oh, another of them
nasty things, sir?
I mean from the council chamber.
I believe they wish
to pay me the honor
Oh, then I can have
me back wages, sir?
Pay me the honor of
reelecting me for a further term.
- Oh.
- Don't jump to conclusions.
And go easy round
Tappenham Corner.
I've mended the
rend in the rear, sir.
Yes, and you've brushed
off all the banquet stains.
I shan't get any more till after the
war, and they were vintage ones, too.
Now where's my chain of office?
- I haven't seen it lately, sir.
- Come on, help me look for it.
Hey, boss. Hey, boss.
Something terrible's happened.
Not now, Sam, we haven't any
time for accidents this morning.
Help me to look for my chain.
- Ta-ta for now.
- We'll meet at the plow.
Oh, I, I chanced to confine a cantering
canine with your choice chain, and
and the canine was chased
by a cantankerous cat,
and careened quickly across the
corner, carrying the chain conspicuously.
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, oh, oh.
Listen, Sam, can't you
ever make a dry statement?
You mean you tied a dog to the end of
my chain of office and he's scarpered?
Sure, boss. Am I humiliated!
Am I undone?
But the dog, boss.
I don't want to put on the dog,
I want to put on me chain.
But the dog forgot to leave the
chain behind when he left. See?
(DOG BARKING)
Quick, quick. After him, Sam.
- And don't forget to wear your muzzle.
- Sure, boss.
I'll see you at Barking.
Mr Mayor?
They're shouting for you in there.
I've got the whole thing clear.
What? You've balanced the rates?
- Without turning a hair.
- Good.
I'll face them
without further demur.
The more the merrier.
Aha.
Ah. That's better.
Well, come on.
Oh, I'd better take
my accounts with me.
Pray, silence, for his
worship, the Mayor.
Gentlemen, you
may remain seated.
Ah. Nice weather we're
having for this time of the year.
Well, perhaps you're right.
Is this the Reichstag
or the Wrongstag?
Don't do that to me.
And know ye by
all these presents
Ah, thank you very much.
I'll unveil the presents tomorrow
and they'd better be good.
Members of the Council
of Foaming-at-the-Mouth,
may I be the first
to congratulate you
at having re-elected me
as Mayor for a further term?
Never mind that cackle.
Now, Handley,
we want to know what you've done
with all the money in the town's treasury.
How ever did you
find out it wasn't there?
I wanted it to be a surprise.
If you don't return that money
at once, we'll throw you into jail.
Throw me into my own jail?
Don't be so salamony
and he threw me into my own jail.
I've never laughed so
much since I kissed my
mother-in-law with a
lighted cigar in my mouth.
Gentlemen, we must place
this in the hands of the police.
Yes.
Mr Town Clerk, fetch the Superintendent.
This has gone far enough.
In fact, it's gone too far.
Why, for two pennies
I'd resign as Mayor.
Well why don't you resign?
Resign! Resign!
Get the chains, eh?
Here, here!
Here, give me that chain.
Well gentlemen, that
concludes the business for today.
The meeting is now adjourned.
- What did you do with the money?
- Yes sir, what did you do with the money?
- Well, I very wisely invested it.
- In what?
In ain a game of poker.
Poker?
Pray, pray, pray,
silence for his turn of the card.
I mean, His Worship the Mayor.
When I said poker, I really
meant that I applied the rules
of an ancient and dishonorable
game to matters of high finance.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, do my old
eyes deceive me, especially this one?
Do I see a look of suspicion
lurking on your dubious dials?
Shame on you, you shambling shysters.
Never in my life... Hey, haven't
you found those stables yet?
No.
All right, I'll come and
show you where you are.
No, you don't.
Oh, I see.
Now, Handley, what
have you to say?
Well, with the town's
money and my pack of cards,
Foaming-at-the-Mouth
now owns the lease of the
Olympian Theatre, the
finest theatre in London.
You have the audacity to admit that
you invested our money in a theatre?
- That's right.
- And a London theatre, too?
- Yes.
- It's a scandal.
It's disgusting.
And I suppose you intend to
fill it with half-clothed women.
Carried unanimously.
That's an idea, Fennell.
I'll put on a review.
I'll call it "Parlez-vudenude."
That's French for "Gone
With The Windmill."
Mr Handley.
If you don't return the
money immediately,
you'll be charged with
embezzlement of municipal funds.
Emboozlement of
the foozlement titifullow?
How dare you, you cad!
Hear them out there?
My creditors!
I mean my champions.
My faithful supporters.
The common people.
They know their mayor.
They trust their mayor.
They love their mayor.
My friends.
Well, that's the first tomato I've
tasted since they were controlled.
This nonsense has gone far enough.
Where's that Superintendent?
Hey, boss, something terrible!
He's chasing me now! Oh!
(all shouting)
Oh, okay boss!
I got the chain!
Well hurry, that's
good! Keep moving!
Here, here.
- What's this?
- What?
Can't get away with bus tickets.
Oh, well they're
beautiful tickets.
- Very good, gentlemen.
- Hey, just a minute.
This way out.
The mayor is trying
to make a getaway.
Stop, thief.
Dirty spy.
You'll hear from my union.
It's humiliating.
That's what it is, boss.
That guy, Funf, trying
to scare you all the time.
Don't be silly, sir.
This station's full of
old buggers like Funf.
Well, at last we're
in the money, son.
We're on our way to London
like Cat Whittington and his dick.
My Olympian theater
will be a gold mine.
I shall be as rich as Creosote.
I'll have a car, a cigar, and a saloon bar.
I'm going to be an impresario.
What's that, boss?
Oh, a big noise like
C.B. Cato, you know.
The guy that makes young
ladies into chorus girls.
Puts on those famous shows like
Screwtop and the Seven Quarts,
and Vat 69, and So What.
Well, what are you going
to use for money, boss?
What all impresarios use:
other people's.
Now, where's my gas mask?
Now, that's it.
Can I do you now, sir?
No, I'm too busy.
I've brought this for you, sir.
Oh, isn't that nice of you?
What is it? One of your
daughter's dumplings?
No, sir.
Some of my relations' rissole.
Why, they're all ole and no riss.
Kick 'em about until you lose 'em.
Oh, I'll do you later, sir.
Go and tidy the tender.
Ta-ta for now.
Change here for Slough.
Five and ninepence and half a mark.
Sam, there's a quisling in the choir.
Oh, gee, boss, we ain't got enough
there for two tickets to London.
What are you going
to tell the guard?
I shall tell him that the mayor of
Foaming-at-the-Mouth
is doing his cock-eyed railway
a great honor by riding on it.
And if he dares ask me for my
ticket, I'll punch his return half.
- Oh gee, boss!
- What?
The guard's coming now.
Oh!
Ah, here we are, Sam.
The Olympian Theatre.
London's noblest and most
magnificent temple of the drama.
The Olympian!
Gee, it sure is a swell dump, boss.
Swell dump? It's
not only Olympian,
it's positively amphibian.
You know what that means?
- No, boss.
- You're quite right.
In future, the seats will
be put up to tuppence,
fourpence, and
sixpence, including tax.
If anybody asks for a half
ticket, just peep through
this porthole and see if
they're kneeling down.
Now, give me two free seats
in the second-hand program.
Can't you read? We're
preparing a new show.
Opening soon, C.B.
Cato presents Stella Ferris
in Hilary Craven's new musical
comedy, Tonight or Never.
Why wasn't I told about this?
How dare they open
soon behind my back.
I'm going to make a few
changes around here.
Ah, my good man.
Just direct me to my office, will you?
Your office? Who are you?
- Tell him, Sam.
- His Township, the Mayor.
I'm the new owner
of this theater.
Show him the chain, Sam.
Oh!
- It's just up those stairs, sir.
- Well go and fetch it.
Oh, my office?
Oh, thank you.
And remember, work with
diligence, obey with alacrity,
eat with your knife,
and who knows, one day,
you may be manager
of the Olympian Theatre.
Come on, Sam.
Ah, Sam, this won't do.
This won't do at all.
I can't play my
parlor games in here.
- What's the matter with it, boss?
- Well, the floor is opposite the ceiling.
Everything's the wrong shape.
I take back those words, Sam.
Those are the shape
of things to come.
Sam, we must try to make our
office as attractive as our visitors.
Looks like a classy
joint to me, boss.
Well, in this case, the
joints are unrussian.
Oh!
You're a beauty
queen, I presume.
Oh, yes. When I was 16, I
won an ankle competition.
And work your way up, eh?
Are you an actress now?
Oh, I can act all right.
If I have to.
As soon as I saw this theatre, I said to
myself, "Whoa-ho! Shine the chain, Sam."
I'm afraid we haven't
been introduced.
Tell her, Sam.
This is His Worship, the Mayor.
I'm Alderman Handley.
Probably you thought an alderman
was much a much older man.
But I can assure you,
as a mayor, I'm no fool.
Get up, Sam.
I'm the new owner of this theatre.
It's only fair to warn you.
Oh, but how wonderful.
How simply divine.
We must have a
spot of lunch together.
You bring the spot and
I'll find the corkscrew.
Oh, yes.
Well, ta-ta for now.
I'm a very busy man, but
not too busy. I'll see you later.
Now, come on, Sam, come on, son.
Clear all this mess off here.
Let's get to work.
Make everything ship-shape.
Wellington boot in foreign arches.
Dreadful.
Ah! Now, here's a real artist.
A cutie with a real punch.
What's this? Mustapha Gasper
and his company of 50 players.
Shocking.
Well, not too bad.
Nice sax appeal.
Haven't I seen you
in Burton's window?
Ah, she's a bit of all right, Sam.
We'll leave her.
Well, the office is
looking better already.
Yeah.
- What about this guy?
- Aw, give him a break, boss.
- Give him a break! - Certainly.
Ah, she's a smasher.
- Ah, more of them.
- Ah, here's a couple of more, Sam.
Oh well, not so dusty.
Wants doing up a bit.
Well, that's the ugliest
mug of the whole lot.
All the marks of
the born criminal.
You really think so?
Absolutely antimacassar.
One ear hangs lower than the other.
LookI seem to have
seen your face before.
Now, don't tell
me. Don't tell me.
Hmm. And still I don't like it.
Well, my good man,
what can I do for you?
I was just about to ask
you the same question.
I am C.B. Cato, the
owner of this theatre.
Ha! Tell him, Sam.
That's Mr Thomas Handley, perpetual
Mayor of Foaming-at-the-Mouth.
Flash the deed, Sam.
Now, first of all, I think I'll
have the office repainted.
Uh, distemper will do.
If you can't get distemper,
get dat temper.
- You want the office repainted?
- Yes.
Might I suggest Eau de Nil
with an off-white ceiling?
Yes, and a dago
running round the walls.
And perhaps a four-ale
bar in this corner.
Yes, and four hale and
hearty bar maids in that corner.
Very well, if you want them.
You know, C.B., I'm
beginning to like you.
Thank you. Perhaps in time,
even my face will grow on you.
If it does, I'll wear
the gas mask.
Well, I think that's about
everything. You can go now.
Yes. But there's one teeny-weeny
little thing we've overlooked.
Oh?
What an eyesore. All bits and pieces.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Well, phone up the demolition squad, and
tell them to move all this muck and rubble.
But that muck and rubble, my
dear sir, is your Olympian theatre.
This is the Imperial.
Well, kiss me on the catamaran.
Are we mortified!
We're in the wrong dump, boss.
Well, I shouldn't have blamed
you, even if you'd lost your temper.
What!
Gee, boss. Something fantastic's occurred.
So, this is the Olympian Theatre. Well,
push me into the pit with a pole axe.
Looks more like the ruins if
crumb were knocked about a bit.
(SIREN WAILING)
I expected two cats,
but there's three.
They must have been
in there a long time.
Oh, gee, boss.
This place gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Well, perhaps there's a
caretaker about somewhere.
Oh, he came away
in me mitt, boss.
A dissolving door, eh?
Well, go easy with my theatre, Sam.
He's had a nervous
breakdown already.
- Good morning. Nice day.
- No.
- Lovely weather we're having.
- I'll have some, too.
- I'll call again.
- Do.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Nice day.
Who was that, boss?
That was my pal, Iachi,
the Phantom of the Opera.
Oh, you bought a pup.
Take note of this, Sam.
He always walks on Friday.
I'm scared, boss. Let's get out of this
place while we got the strength.
Oh, I say. You down there.
Are you speaking to me?
Oh, definitely. Look here. Would
you awfully mind coming over here?
Hurry up.
Well, no, no, not as far as that.
Back a little, please.
Now, a little to your left.
Hey, am I all right here?
Quite, thank you.
- Hey!
- Ah! Missed him.
I'll get that guy, boss.
I'll give him the works.
Boss, something phony's happening.
I needn't get to it down there.
I'm the fairy of the wishing well
I've come to weave my magic spell
With a hey, nonny-nonny
and a ding dong dell
I'm the pity, itty fairy of the
wishing well.
Who let you mugs in?
Suffering stoats. Tell her, Sam.
You can't speak to the boss like that.
He's a mayor.
He's the new owner of this theatre, see?
Anything amiss, miss?
A mayor? He looks
more like an old hack.
So you're the new owner, eh?
Hey! Come here a minute! Hey!
Hey!
Boss, this place
will drive me screwy!
It's an echo, you chump.
Echo, you chump.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Who's your lady friend?
Who's the little girl
who's by your side?
- I've seen you.
- With a gutter too.
- Oh,
- Oh,
- Oh.
- I am surprised at you.
This is Funf speaking.
Your theatre is
ruined, and so are you.
Ta-ta for now.
If I can catch that scoundrel,
I'll strangle him in his own sauerkraut.
It's humiliating.
That's what it is, boss.
Who is this guy, Funf?
Why is he always after us?
Who's behind him?
If I knew, Sam, I wouldn't be
giving myself this headache.
Anyway, I'm not
worrying about Funf.
He's just a tenpenny trunk call.
Well, how far is a
tenpenny trunk call?
Well you would ask that.
Well, look, Sam.
Say this is Biggleswade here.
Sam, did you see what I saw?
Turn round.
No, you turn round, boss.
No, I promised my
grandmother I'd never look back.
Is that him?
Is that the man that robbed us?
Robbed you? Who do you
think I am, Sweeney Tom?
He's a dirty crack.
You mean dirty crook?
He says he's your new governor.
Quite right. I am
the new governor.
Your Worship, the Mayor.
And may I remind you, as
legal owner of these premises,
I shall prosecute all trespassers
with the utmost rigor of the law.
That's telling 'em, boss.
Hey, come on, mister.
We don't want no excuses.
You owe us each eight of the pound.
Eight of the pound?
What are you selling, plums?
I do not sell palms.
Palms? You mean plums.
Yes, I said palms.
Listen, Garibaldi, it's P-L-U-M-S, palms.
You mean plums. Now, please.
Will you digga the dough up?
Come on, hand over the smackers.
Yeah, c'mon!
We want our money back.
Yeah!
Quiet!
Now, perhaps I can explain.
- You see, we're all members of the school.
- School?
Yeah, this is the Olympian Academy
of Dramatic Art, and I am the star pupil.
All right, all right, all right, I
can act you guys off the stage.
I know I surprise you, I am
the guy that dropped the sandbag.
Yeah, and here's another thing.
I am the guy that says,
"I, say, would you mind awfully
moving over a little bit, please?"
Different voice.
I like the sandbag best.
As you bought the theatre, I'm afraid
you're also responsible for the school.
I wouldn't mind teaching you
a thing or two if I could, but...
But nothing. We want our money back.
What do you think we are? A lot of poopers?
Poopers? Don't talk garlic,
you mean paupers.
You see, they've
paid half their fees
to the old owner, Mr
Bookham, and he's disappeared.
Yeah, Mr Bookham, the first time I heard
that man, I said to myself, "Whoa-ho!"
- Oh.
- The school's a flop, a washout.
Well, let me get
this thing straight.
How much do I charge
per term for tuition?
Oh, 16 pounds.
16? Then each of you
owe me eight pounds.
Have you no sense of
financial responsibility?
It's perfectly pedagogic.
Pay you? What can you teach us?
Everything, from Hamlet
down to paper-tearing.
Do you know anything
about the show business?
I should think so.
Why, my dear old aunt used to
iron Grimaldi's tights.
And only a few moments ago, I had to
tear myself away from the great C.B. Cato.
Cato?
I only left the stage
to become mayor.
Mayor?
Don't tell me you've never
heard of Big Tom Handbell.
Go on, boss. Show 'em.
Let's hit the trail, Big Timer.
(Guitar music)
You've heard of the
Soldier's Farewell, I dare say,
And the Arab's
Farewell To His Steed.
But here's a farewell, a pretty farewell,
to a horse of a different breed.
Hang all my clothes
on the old clothes horse,
I've been chased
by the sheriff too long.
And I've walked all the way
from the bunk house today,
So I'm singing the
Tenderfoot Song.
Hang up my saddle of mutton,
and bring me a chop for a change.
And wheel in the old dinner wagon,
'cause I'm riding the kitchen range.
Don't let all my
pals know I'm dry.
They'll all think this
body's gone wrong.
On the back of a chair
you will find the old mare,
'cause I'm singing
the Tenderfoot song.
Mighty fine, mighty fine.
- Howdy partner.
- Howdy.
Meet the horse.
Why, that's a mighty fine
mustang you got there, my friend.
Mighty fine, mighty fine.
(Horse whinnying)
How now, folks,
before we hit the hay,
how 'bout singing a mighty fine
chorus before the mighty fine campfire.
Mighty fine, mighty
fine, mighty fine.
Give me the A, partner.
So hang all my clothes
on the old clothes horse,
we've been chased
by the sheriff too long.
And I've walked all the way
from the bunk house today,
so I'm singing the
Tenderfoot Song.
Hang up my saddle of mutton,
and bring me a chop for a change.
And wheel in the old dinner wagon,
'cause I'm riding the kitchen range.
Don't let all my
pals know I'm dry.
They'll all think this
body's gone wrong.
On the back of a chair
to find the old mare,
Mighty fine.
'cause I'm singing
the Tenderfoot Song!
Yippee!
Classroom A, Method technique.
Mighty fine, mighty fine.
I'll teach you all I know
about that tomorrow morning.
It won't take very long.
Ah, Dancing and Beauty.
Just my cup of tea.
Sam, remind me to open
an operatic class, will you?
- Ten guineas extra.
- Sure boss.
Wait'll they see me
play Soused, eh?
This will be your
office now, Mr Handley.
What, Bookham? Sam, obliterate
that scoundrel's name at once.
Sure.
The moment I saw it, I
said to myself, "Oh, no!"
Well, that'll be all.
Ta-ta for now, students.
(All shouting)
Pray, silence, for his
time bomb, the Mayor.
Friends, humans, pupils,
your future is before you.
Remember, the stars of today
are the nightlights of tomorrow.
Place yourself in my hands.
I swear by my chain of office
show 'em the chain, Sam
that each and every one of you will
ascend the ladder of fame, rung by rung.
Give yourselves to art.
Art, with a capital Ar.
Only another eight quid, and
you'll have your name in lights.
All right.
Now run along, students.
Practice your party
pieces, loosen your larynx,
tighten your tights, and report at 10:30
in the morning when we start our classes.
He's a great guy, I think.
Will you step into my parlour?
Remind me to get
some etchings, Sam.
Ah, something like an office.
Something.
Mighty fine, mighty fine.
If you're the new owner, perhaps
I'd better tell you what I've been doing.
My dear girl, I'm broad-minded.
Need we worry about our past?
What is your name?
I'm Kitty Kent,
secretary of the school.
Well, Kitty, whatever your
salary is, I shall double it.
I work here for nothing.
Very well, I'll treble it.
You see, I'm a student, too, but I act
as secretary instead of paying for tuition.
Well, from now on, you get
private lessons in my public school.
I'm in the next room,
just ring if you want me.
What a marvelous idea.
And where is the bell?
In your room?
Why no, it's there on your desk.
On my bed.
Sam, the moment I saw that Judy,
I said to myself, "Where's that bell?"
After you, Claude.
No, after you, Cecil.
Dancing class for beginners,
10:30 tomorrow morning.
What do you two
ballet dancers want?
I've got a writ,
twit.
Is yours for room
and board, Claude?
No, mine's for
dispossissal, Cecil.
Hey, what are you talking about?
These summonses are for W.B.
Bookham, the scoundrel, and he's hoofed it.
It's for his flat,
that.
45 Mayfair Manor.
- 700 pounds, 19
- And a tenner?
- That's right.
- I wish I had as many shillings.
So he lived there two years
without paying any rent, did he?
Just the sort of place I want.
Take the address, Bess.
Who's Bess, boss?
You is, Liz.
Now, listen, you two, it's no
good you giving me these writs.
They're not worth the
salvage they're written on.
But once my theatre's
on its feet,
I'll be rolling in boodle, and
you shall have a roll with me.
Well, there's no need for us to stay.
Eh?
We'd better go.
Joe.
After you, Claude.
No, after you, Cecil.
Come.
Well, cuddle me
in the council chair.
45 Mayfair Manor.
What a posh address, Sam, eh?
It's worth every penny
of the rent I'll never pay.
From now on, we live there.
Oh, gee, boss, can't we
go back where we belong?
We ain't got a dime.
Before long, you'll have all
the fun and dimes you want.
Eight quid a week from my
students for a start. Mere chicken feed.
Oh, what I could do
to a chicken right now.
Well, what's one empty
stomach between friends?
I'll rebuild the theatre.
I'll put on the finest
show London's ever seen.
I'll make hundreds of pounds.
Thousands.
Millions.
Where's that bell?
We've seen every movie of Mr. Crosby
Bought all the records we could
And though he's hot, he'll learn a lot
When local girls make good
Don't be so dull,
we're rehearsing and all, Mr. Crosby
Someday you'll know
where the babys do show you a thing
You may be top, but we're not gonna stop
- After you, Claude.
- Mr. Crosby
Till they are famous,
a-slightly more famous than Bing
Now the rhythm's goin'
you can hear the corner growin
Hi-dee hi-dee ho
Hi-dee ho
Gettin' in condition
for a wonderful audition on the radio
Give us a break
or you'll make a mistake, Mr. Crosby
Can't you recall
when Paul was the king?
He can swing it hard, sing it loose
Even sing the swing time
boop boop boop boop
Oh, Mr. Crosby,
we wish we could sing it like you
Mighty fine, eh? Mighty fine.
I've never seen so many legs since
the local butcher's shop was closed.
Well, gather round,
everybody, gather round.
Sam, open up the office.
I have something very
important I want to tell you all.
I can see a magnificent
future before all of you,
for the mere sum of
And as we told-a you
before, you find us jobs,
or else there is
I'm not talking to you, you macaroni
mug. Your opinion's not worth a
What about these jobs you've
been promising for a fortnight?
You haven't paid your
fees for a fortnight, see?
If you don't do something
soon, I'll fetch my uncle Percy.
(whistles) Uncle Percy. I make
mincemeat of Uncle Percys.
Oh gee boss, could I
go for some mincemeat.
So you don't trust me, eh?
After all I've done for you?
Very well then. Sam?
Sam? Pick up the cash box.
We'll go into conference.
Where's the nearest?
Mr Handley?
Ahyes?
Ah, I've got something for you.
- Bump the baby Sam.
- Say, listen buddy,
You can't see the boss
without an appointment.
So take it easy
(THUD)
They took in mighty fine.
Let that be a lesson to you, students.
Take this, Sam. Wait until they get
a load of what I cooked up for them.
Aw, gee, boss, must
you use that word?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Nice day.
- No.
You'd like to buy a nice lamppost
in perfect condition, wouldn't you?
- No.
- Just stick it up in front of the house.
What's the good of a
lamppost in the blackout?
Oh, this one's alright, invisible
light. You'll never see it after dark.
Well how am I gonna
find my way home?
Oh, ask a policeman.
That's a good idea, sir.
One lamppost, three pounds
13 and sixpence. Sign, please.
Here?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Nice day.
That must have been Al
Ectrician, the gas man.
You want to watch that guy
boss, it might be Funf.
Oh, nonsense
Missed him!
It's me nerves, I tell
you, it's me nerves.
Hey, will you stay
where you are? Come on.
- Hey, lay off
- Hey, I'll do ya dirt
What's the matter wit'cha?
I'm only trying to get
the boss's attention.
Well, do you always
say it with bullets?
Nobody gives me a
break over here, mister.
Why, over home in Chicago,
even the cops couldn't catch me.
I changed my character
too quick, see? Like this:
I got a million.
A different face for every voice,
a different voice for every face.
I'm colossal, I'm stupendous
Arthur Askey?
Oh, here's another one. Catch us
while you wait. You ready?
Get a load of this,
will you. Look at that.
There's a lovely watch,
there's a lovely watch,
the 14-jewelling is leave
all semi hunter,
oxidane silver.
Guaranteed, sir, the bend buckle
all sticks tenth in every hole,
jewel in every link,
antique and waterpoof.
I don't half think me wants a price
of five, nor four, nor three shillings
only ask today,
one half-a-crown
30 copper coins.
Here, thou has won, sir.
No, no, no, I've just
bought a lamppost.
Anyway, come to my office tomorrow and
impersonate a student giving me 8 guineas.
Oh, thanks a lot, sir. You're
a great guy, a great guy.
Ever since I joined up with
you, I ain't afraid of nothing. Boo!
Well slap me on the jetty with a
jellyfish. That guy must be nuts.
So here you are, Handley.
Yes, here today,
and gone this second.
Excuse please, mister. I sell
you very pretty postal card?
I've seen them all.
Well mister, I show you very
pretty Persian carpet for theatre?
No. Listen, could you show
me the Indian rope trick?
Now just a moment, Handley.
Oh, it's you mister, please,
I show you very pretty
postal card, you like, eh?
Very risque, very saucy.
- Go on, try one.
- No thank you.
No? No?
All right, I go,
I come back.
Now Handley, let's
get down to brass tacks.
Yes. All right,
certainly, certainly.
Do you gentlemen like cigars?
Good. Well, just put a few in
here, will you? I'm collecting them.
Now stop fooling, Handley,
and understand this:
if the town's money
isn't paid in full,
we'll jail you and close
both theatre and school.
Close down the school?
I don't know who you are, but I think
you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
When I think how Mr
Handley is sacrificing himself
- How true, how true.
- devoting all his skill and knowledge
- How very true.
- Never sparing himself
for a moment to make
our school a success.
Oh, dear. Perhaps we'd better
defer putting the man in stir.
Oh, do you think so, Mr Town Clerk?
Well, if I thought there was any
chance of Handley repaying the money,
- But, uh
- All he needs is time.
What? Time?
Oh, oh, yes. I see
what you mean.
Gentlemen, I'm expecting to close
a colossal deal this very afternoon.
What? You doubt my words?
Very well then. Sam, get me
C.B. Cato on the phone now.
- But boss, I thought you wasn't gonna call
- Get Cato on the phone-o.
Okay, boss.
Well, I suppose you've
all heard of C.B. Cato?
Well, who hasn't?
Why, do you actually know him?
As well as I know the
wart on me wishbone.
Now I want you all to listen
to this historic conversation.
I expect to put over the
biggest theatrical deal in history.
Here, Titch, you have a do, too.
Okay, boss, C.B. Cato's on the line.
Hello, Tommy, you old rascal.
How about having
dinner with me tonight?
I'll just look at my
engagement book.
I'm up to my neck in it
these days, you know.
He's talking to C.B.
Cato now, so quietly.
Now, I've given a good deal of
thought to the whole proposition
and here is my final word.
If we agree to put
on the Hilary Craven
play, I must have at
least 50% of the profits
That's okay by me,
Tommy, old boy,
we ought to make 100,000 easily.
Is that all? Why, I wouldn't have
gone to all this trouble if I had known.
However, I've given my word.
Thanks, Tommy.
I knew I could rely on you.
You've never let a pal down.
But there's still the
matter of casting the show.
Oh, don't give it another thought,
C.B., my students are marvelous
That's good, we need new blood.
I'll give them all star parts.
Er, those who have paid
up their fees, of course.
Okay, C.B., every student that
stands by me will be rewarded.
Hello, Tommy, you old rascal.
How about having
dinner with me tonight?
I thought we'd
settled all this before.
Of course, Tommy.
Tommy Tommy Tommy
We need new blood blood blood blood
Well, I think the best way to explain
the whole thingit's quite simple
(all shouting)
Don Valentino, where have you
been-o? Don Valentino, don't tell a lie,
It's plainly seen-o, mucho cavino, has
brought that naughty look to your eye.
Don Valentino, you're very mean-oh.
Oh, will you ever learn to act right?
You never wanna come home to Donna,
though la cantina is closed for the night.
Although, you know,
I love you so,
you so-and-so.
I've changed the scene-o, and go to Reno,
to tell the judge how wicked you are.
Don Valentino, you jumping bean-o,
if you've a serenade that's new,
time you started to
practice it on your guitar.
Yes, that's out. And the play's
postponement is your fault.
Mine!
Yes, for walking
out on that drunken
playwright husband of yours.
You ought to go back to him.
Not me, I gave him the best years of
my life in our six months of marriage.
Yes, but he's gone to pieces.
All I got so far is a title.
Not a line of the play has
he given me, not a line.
Look at these: costumes
designed, sets made, and not a line.
And that's not all:
5000 I've advanced that human
rotting bag on the promise of the play.
Oh, C.B., you're
beginning to bore me.
Hilary may be a souse, but you
made a packet out of his plays.
Huh? Well, I'll get that play
out of Hilary Craven somehow,
and it won't be a
painless extraction, I'll
This has just come
from Hilary Craven.
Ah, the play.
He's come to his senses at last.
Ha! His research library.
"Write it yourself, sucker."
But what do you want us to do with
all our beautiful designs, Mr Cato?
Oh Stella, do you mind
going out while I tell him?
Now look here you
Aw gee boss, I'm so hungry I feel
as if my stomach was full of butterflies.
Let's beat it back home, boss.
Nonsense, Sam, I'm hungry too, but I
see a fortune awaiting me in the theatre,
and I'm going right after it.
- I've got the bit between me teeth.
- I wish I had a bit between mine.
All I need is wider scope. No
obstacle should bar my way.
Oh, I beg your pardon, madam.
I didn't see you with your mouth open.
Now then, Sam, slip back to the
theatre and get my robe of office.
Okay, boss.
(chattering in foreign language)
Aluminum, fastens your pants.
(chattering in foreign language)
Yes, they're open all night.
(chattering in foreign language)
Well, there's only
room for one at a time.
(chattering in foreign language)
No, I haven't any
change, ask the attendant.
(chattering in foreign language)
Well press button B
and get your money back.
Oh, thanks a lot.
I mean, thank you.
So it's you, is it? Go on,
take him out, I know you.
You couldn't bluff a
bobby in the blackout.
Gee, I'd be the finest character
actor in the world, except for one thing.
What's that?
It's my nerves, I tell
you. It's my nerves.
I'll be bumping into Goebbels next.
My, haven't you grown.
Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
- Could you oblige me with a light?
- Eh!
Here you are.
Handley. The very man I want to see.
Fennel. The fun will now commence.
Handley, come back here.
Come back, Handley!
- Handley! Handley!
- That was a matter of shame.
- Here, why don't you eat more carrots?
- Come back here!
I know that voice.
- It's him, Uncle Percy.
- Oh it is, is it?
- I've got a bone to pick with you.
- I'll just go and get the mat.
- After him, Uncle Percy.
- Hey! Come back!
- Handley!
- Hey!
Handley!
Handley!
Handley! Handley! Handley!
Hey Handley! Come back!
Handley!
Drop those chips.
This is the Saloon Bar News
and this is Hermann Funf reading it.
Now Funf, eh?
A man named Handley is stealing
potato chips from the middle of the bar.
Blah.
Ah-ah.
Excuse me, sir.
Goodbye, Mr Chips.
Can I get you a drink sir?
No, thanks. No, I've
not finished this one yet.
Gimme a bit of ice.
Excuse please, mister?
Well if it isn't Dan
Dan the peddling man.
You buy nice bottle of
perfume for pretty lady?
- Very strongy, very pongy.
- Sell it to the barman.
There's an awful
aroma around here.
Oh, that's not
barman. That's me.
- You buy perfume? No?
- No.
- Oh, pity, mister
- And I don't want any of those, either.
Oh, very mustard, very pepper.
Bad for my insomnia. Now go on, hop
it, before I fling your fez on the floor.
- Come on, outside.
- All right. All right.
I go.
I come back.
Come on.
- Righto, right, I go, I go.
Mister.
Go on, outside.
There he is, Uncle Percy.
- You're Handley, I believe.
- That's right.
I'm very pleased to meet you.
Whew! I feel
like a dead-end kid.
What about my niece?
Why, are they
troubling you again?
Oh, your nieceoh Daisyoh,
Favorite of mine.
Very promising pupil.
Shall we drink to her future?
Oh.
Well, I am sort of thirsty.
Rather early for the cuckoo.
- Well, gentlemen?
- Hmm, yes.
I see by your shoulder badges that
you belong to an honorable corps.
- I've got badges on my uniform, too.
- Oh?
Yours are for the commandos,
but mineah, mine
- What's yours?
- A teeny-weeny double scotch.
A double scotch? Yes,
sir. And what's yours, sir?
- I'd better have the same.
- Very good, sir.
Six shillings, sir.
Well, cheerio.
Ah, lovely drop of breakfast.
I needed that. I've had a very
full day on an empty tummy.
I seem to have seen
you before, somewhere.
Didn't we meet the other
night down at the chavin?
- Chavin? What chavin?
- Same again.
That'll be another six shillings, sir.
What a common pup.
Ah, well gentlemen, we must
Oh, no you don't.
Here, don't do that to me.
- Who do you think's frightened of you?
- You are.
Yes, I know I am, but do
you know of anybody else?
I'm looking after my niece, see?
You pinched eight pounds
from her, didn't you?
You promised her
the earth, didn't you?
Well I want that
eight quid back, see?
Trouble is, I don't
know me own strength.
Here, I'll show you something.
Watch this.
- Yes, sir?
- The gentleman wants another round.
Very good sir, that'll
be another six shillings.
- Here! Now look here,
- My dear sir,
your niece's future is my
greatest concern.
Why, only this afternoon, I was
talking about it to the great C.B. Cato.
Yeah, I heard. On a gramophone
record. You know Cato. Huh!
I know 'em all.
Cato, Cochran, George
Black, Noel Coward,
Hilary Craven?
Hilary Craven? Why,
he's one of my best pals.
We've stuck together through
thick and clear.
Do you know he's actually promised
to write a new play for your niece?
Then how about
buying him a drink, hey?
Don't butt in, old boy,
I'm busy with a client.
A liqueur brandy, Joe.
I think you've had
enough, Mr Craven.
I think so too.
Mr Craven?
Damned be he who
first cries out, "Enough!"
You're buying Hilary a
drink, aren't you, old pal?
Well, I'll fall through the
fan light on me flap jack.
Hilary.
Fancy meeting you here, eh?
You know your old
pal Tom, don't you?
Tom, Tom, the piper's son,
stole a pig and away he ran?
What did you do with
that pig, eh, you dirty crook?
Erm, I gave it away
for a pot of ferns.
Uncle Percy, meet my
old friend, Hilary Craven.
Pleased, I'm sure.
He doesn't know his own strength.
Perce, show him that trick with the nail.
Want me to do the same again?
- You heard that? The same again, please.
- Same again?
- And a liqueur brandy for me, Joe.
- Suffering cats.
Well now that our dear Daisy's
well set on the road to fame,
you'll excuse me if I go into
conference with Mr Craven, will you?
All right. But you'd better
do right by her or else
That'll be another
ten shillings, sir.
You poor fish, you didn't
ought to be allowed out alone.
- Well, shall we have a drink at the bar?
- No, there's a table over there
Well, I can do with
a drink, I can tell you.
And when I say a
drink, I mean a drink.
You still burned up about
Hilary walking out on you?
I'm used to it by now.
- Here!
- They're here.
- They've followed me.
- Who? Is Funf after you, too?
It's the ingratitude
that gets me.
When I think of all I've done
for that rat of a husband of yours,
and he hasn't written a line.
- Did you hear that?
- Shhh!
Shhh.
Haven't written a line, eh?
That's all he knows.
The best play I've ever written,
all finished except the last scene.
A Hilary Craven
play's worth dough!
- What do we do now?
- Find another play.
Hilary Craven's not the
only scribbler on the stage.
Did you hear that?
A scribbler? Me?
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna tear it into tiny
pieces and throw it in Cato's face.
Anyway, I've got
one satisfaction;
I've been to Scotland Yard.
The police are after him now.
I'm not gonna let that souse chisel
5000 out of me (Door slides open)
(Singing)
Shh, shh. You'll
awaken the fire watcher.
(Blows raspberry)
Poor fire watcher.
Come on.
There you are, lift's out of order.
Come on, let's get a drink.
No, you don't want any more. I'll
give you a lift
- Oh. You'll give me a lift, eh?
- Come on.
- Taxi?
- Upsy-daisy.
I'll be finished
before your play.
That'll never be
finished. What's the good?
I shan't get any more
money out of Cato.
(singing)
If you were to finish this play,
you could sign it with another name,
and I could take it to Cato.
And touch him for another
advance? Oh boy, what an idea.
I'll finish it right now.
Don't write it on
my back. Come on.
And remember we go fifty-fifty.
That's a bet.
I'll start work right away.
Get me a piano.
And a typewriter. I'm g
Princess Priscilla, attended
by her maids of honor,
appears in the royal
bedchamber.
She awaits the entrance of
Prince Rudolf. You got that?
Yes.
She asks herself a question:
Must she endure the embraces
of a man she does not love?
Sadly she sings to herselfI
must get that song finished.
Working over to you...
Over to you...
Over to me...
Over to me...
Around the corner...
Around the corner...
Mind the picture on the wall...
Too late.
It's on my toe...
It's on his toe...
It's on mine too...
It's on his too...
It's the lightest Grand piano...
In the world!
Push it from the back.
Hey, can't you wait
till the legs are on?
Come here...get down. Get down
on your knees. Lie down, come on.
I've played the back legs of a horse
before but never the front legs of a piano
Gee, boss, I wish
he played the piccolo.
I've got it, I've got it.
Just for tonight,
My soul will sing with rapture,
Just for tonight,
My longing heart will capture,
Love's thrilling kiss,
That from our stars takes flight,
Will he be handsome and charming?
Eyes with love light agleam?
Tender, but rather alarming,
As he seemed in my dream?
Just for tonight,
For paradise is calling,
The world is mine at last,
Just for tonight...
Well, that brings us
into the finale. It's terrific.
Far better than anything that
drunken husband of yours ever wrote.
- It's wonderful.
- Wonderful? It's sensational.
Just imagine Hilary Craven's face when I
present this show at the Imperial Theatre.
- Who wrote it?
- A fellow called Beamish.
I've never heard of him.
You might get me Ben Beamish
on the telephone, will you?
Gerard 2626, I want him
here at once.
- Good morning.
- Good heavens.
- Nice day.
- No.
Can I sell you my patent
delayed action fountain pen?
- Delayed action?
- Yes, delayed action.
Anything you write with it
disappears in a few moments.
That's handy, just
my handwriting.
Yes, definitely.
And absolute specific against
breach of promise actions.
- Ten shillings, please.
- I'll give you an IOU.
Oh, here's the pen.
And there's the pen.
IOU ten shillings.
- Thank you, I'll call again.
- Do.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Nice day.
Good heavens!
It works!
(Laughter)
I say, I say, what's
going on here?
I've got my receipt
for the first installment.
If we can't get the money out of
you, we'll get it out of your furniture
I'd love to dangle you
on my chain of office
Come on, out of my way.
Here, what is all this?
Bring those things back.
What's the big idea?
Pay these kids their cash
and you can have this stuff back.
Sam? Sam?
Where's my bodyguard?
- Shall I show him, Uncle Percy?
- Yeah, show him.
All right, Sam, don't
speak with your mouth full.
I know, something
terrible's happened.
He's made of us
a laughing stick.
Laughing stick? You
mean a goatscape?
- Idiota!
- Thanks very much.
After you, Claude.
No, after you, Cecil.
Ah, these gentlemen
will have something to say
Here, tell this guy he can't move
my furniture. It doesn't belong to me.
Well, now, the law says
What does the law say?
- After you, Claude.
- After you, Cecil.
Now let that be a lesson to you.
(Muffled)
I'll take it.
Hello?
Who?
Beamish?
Anyone here named Beamish?
No, there's nobody
here named Beamish.
Oh, wait a minute!
Beamish? Beamish?
Well, that's the man I
represent. Hello? Who is it?
C.B. Cato?
Here, hold that for
a minute, will you?
C.B. Cato, huh! Once
more he push our legs!
It is C.B. Cato! Here,
give me that phone, quick.
Hello? Yes?
Hello, old man.
Yes, I want to have a word
with you about your play.
You like it, C.B.?
You want to produce it, C.B.?
You'll pay me advance royalties, C.B.?
Right, I'll be over right away, C.B.
That was okay.
Is this on the level, Handley?
Are you really going to see Cato?
Those who don't believe me,
come and see for themselves.
- Okay, we will.
- All right.
I hope it is really Cato. I hope
it from the heart of my stomach.
Don't be so bellicose.
Hang around, Sam,
I'll see you later.
(muffled)
Now, in one moment, all
your doubts will be relieved.
And you can apologize
when I come out.
- Hey, just a minute.
- May I see 'em?
Ah, well, here I am, C.B.
You?
Acrobata!
Just practicing a little adagio
dance. I'll be out in a minute.
I bet he will.
Now listen, C.B., you
made a great mistake.
Yes, I did.
This time, you're
going out of the window.
Well, if I do, I'll take
my play with me.
And you'll get no Princess for
Tonight, or any other tonight.
Your play?
Did you really write
Princess for Tonight?
Well, I, uh...
Ah, now, don't be modest. I
know a genius when I meet one.
- Do you?
- My dear sir, I didn't realize.
You know, I thought you were
someone else Won't you sit down?
- Thank you very much, thank you.
- And have a cigar.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
This is my leading
lady, Miss Stella Ferris.
What a beautiful production.
May I ring up your curtain?
You know, I have
your contract all ready.
C.B. never allows the
grass to grow under his feet.
Neither do I, it
tickles my instep.
If Cato throws him out
again, I'll throw him back.
Advance on royalties, 200 pounds
- There you are.
- Thanks very much.
May I offer you my
congratulations, Mr Beamish?
Oh, I'm not Beamish,
I'm Tommy Handley.
Then why did you
say you wrote the play?
I didn't say I wrote the play.
I said I represent Beamish.
I'm his manager.
Well, I won't have any truck with
agents. The deal's off, now get out.
Oh, but just a minute. If I'd been
Beamish, you'd have given me the check.
That's who it's made out to.
Well, as a matter of fact
You are Beamish. There you
are C.B., I knew it all the time.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Oh, just a matter
of civic dignity.
- I had to use a Mal de Mer.
- A what?
Oh, well, I'll soon write
you another check. To, um...
Thomas Handley. Oh, yes.
Don't forget to dot the Y.
He must have killed him.
Cato's got him first.
Well, Tommy, I'm glad
everything is settled.
- Goodbye, Mr Handley.
- Goodbye.
- Together, we'll go very far.
- I hope we get back in time.
You must come down to
the theatre this afternoon.
Time is getting short
and we must start casting.
That's right, C.B., we
must have a good cast.
The best that money can buy.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
There is going to be a play, my
play, a Tommy Handley masterpiece.
I'm just going round to the
bank now to cash this check
for 200 pounds of
Barnes' royalties.
Come round with me and you can have the
paltry 8 pounds I'm supposed to owe you.
How would you like this money?
Quickly. Oh, I see what you mean.
Well, a few 20s, tenners, and fivers,
and the rest in
ha'pennies for tips.
Yes, but you haven't endorsed
the check, Mr Handley.
Oh, yes, I have, old boy.
I... oh, yes, I see. Oh, well,
perhaps I'd better use your pen.
Yes.
I'll attend to Mr Handley.
Right, sir.
Lovely day we're having today.
I'm just drawing out a
little money for pontoon
I mean the petty cash.
Ah, yes.
200 pounds.
- On the school account, I believe.
- That's right.
Thank you, Mr Handley.
Very thoughtful of you.
Just about cover the
school's overdraft with us.
Oh, oh
But you can't take all that money, Mr
Ramsbottom, it doesn't belong to me.
It's got your name on it,
that's good enough for us.
Oh, I see.
Well, uh
Ah, thank you very, very
much, Mr Ramsbottom. Yes.
It'll be quite safe
in this pocket.
- Good morning.
- Nice day.
On second thoughts, I'm going
to give you all another chance.
I won't insist on paying
back your paltry eight pounds.
Well, don't be late for the class
in the morning. Ta-ta for now.
Just a moment.
Since you've kept the students on, I
take it that they'll all be in the show.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- You will say that.
In writing, on the
bottom of these contracts.
You put your signify
on the spotted line.
Well, just what are
these contracts?
Giving them all principal
parts in your new play.
Sign those contracts now, or I'm
going to start invasion exercises.
Oh, I...
Yes, all right, I'll sign them.
- Only too delighted.
- Here's a pen.
No, thank you, I have
my own fountain pen.
A very fresh one.
It works beautifully.
Thank you, will you give your name
to that chap sitting over there?
No, Sam, this is the way.
Three more, that's eight and six.
Thank you very much.
You might try the
dancers over there.
Lumme!
Who is it, Funf?
Worse than that: Uncle
Percy and his gang.
Buddy, I tell you,
he won't have any
Here, outside! Get back
the lot of you, what the
Mr Cato.
What's the meaning of this, George?
Why'd you let these people in?
Because I couldn't
keep them out, sir.
Well, what do you want?
Parts in this show for
these boys and girls.
Ridiculous, the
show's already cast.
I'll say it is.
These kids have all got
contracts, signed by Handley.
What? Well, we'll
soon see about that.
Handley!
Handley!
What the devil do you
mean by wasting my time?
There are no signatures
on these contracts.
Huh?
But we saw Handley sign them.
He's got it on us.
He must have used
the incredible ink.
Nothing at all.
Nothing at all!
I'll fix Handley for this.
Well, now get out of
my theatre, all of you.
Go on, get out.
I want to play Hamlet in my bed.
See these people off
the premises, will you?
Aha, that's got rid of them.
Come on, Sam, back to work.
Lumme, the jackpot!
Hot diggity!
I'm fed up with this. Writing, writing
all the time, and not a drop to drink.
And where is that advance
payment you were supposed to get?
I told you before, I'm
getting it tonight.
Tonight?
You've said that every
night for the past three weeks.
And now you've
got my dress suit.
Tonight, Cato's bringing
along his backers.
I've got to look
my best, haven't I?
And the better I look,
the more you'll get.
Look here. Princess For Tonight
is the best play I've ever written.
And I was a fool to let
you try and sell it for me.
Now get out of my
clothes, I'm getting out.
Now, Hilary, Hilary,
don't do anything rash.
If you leave here, your postal
address will be Dartmoor.
Now be a good boy, and
see what daddy's brought you.
Flash the bottle, Aristotle.
Ah!
If we're not back in a
week's time, don't wait up.
Princess For Tonight is the most
elaborate premiere since the war began.
And looking around, I can see this
foyer absolutely thronged with celebrities.
And now coming in through the dooryes,
it isthe world's greatest playwright.
What a pleasure to see you here.
Mr Shaw, good evening sir.
Would you care to say a few words?
I rarely attend first nights,
except of course, my own.
They're really the
only ones worth seeing.
Though I have been told
this one is exceptionally bad.
But you are going
to see it, Mr Shaw?
Not bloody likely.
- Are you Shaw?
- I'm certain.
Well, I'm not.
Ah ha, still trying to fool
me with your phony faces.
It's my nerves, I tell
you, it's my nerves.
It's his nerves.
And now I want to introduce to you, a
very famous man to say a few words.
A man whose genius has done
so much for the British theatre.
Thank you very much.
Hello folks, this is his
worship the mayor, speaking.
Now some children are born
with silver spoons in their mouths.
I was born with a
fountain pen in my fist.
The idea of this play came to me
when I was having a blow on the front.
I wrote it with a hairpin
on a piece of fried bread.
And now here's the facts doth right...
Excuse me, my man,
I'm due round the back.
Mr Handley, Mr Handley,
I've got something here for you.
Pump the bailiff, Sam.
Dear me, dear me.
Pray, applause for
his worship, the mayor!
Sam, Sam, I've got a stiff neck.
Hey boss, you've caught your
chain in a chunk of chandelabra.
Chank you Sam,
that's beyond a choke.
You buy pretty program,
very wicked, very warm?
But this is for another play.
Much better, very
harem, very scarum.
Too daddum, too baddum.
You no buy program?
No, I've got a
touch of the tapioca.
Pity.
Here, here, can
I see your ticket?
No ticket, only
program, you buy.
Come on, outside, come on.
All right.
I go.
But you come back?
No, no come back.
Pity.
Beware, Mr Mayor, your
show will be a floparoo.
You have been warned,
Funf has spoken.
Ow.
I've cut his connection, Sam
This time I'll get him,
boss, I'll mow him down.
Can I do you now, sir?
Well, dust my dicky
with a dishcloth.
Mrs Mopp, have you been
charring at Buckingham Palace?
Oh, I've brought
this for you, sir.
Oh, isn't that nice?
I made it out of me own head, sir
I hope you've taken
the hairpins out.
It should have been eel pie,
but I couldn't catch the eel.
You having any, Sam?
No, boss, but I got
the salt and pepper.
Oh good, thanks very much.
There, there.
What did you stuff
this with, salvage?
That's just a
horseshoe for luck, sir.
- Ta-ta for now.
- Youse takes a bow.
Ah well, Sam, perhaps this
horseshoe will bring me luck.
Boss, boss, something to
Don't make a noise
like a motorboat.
All right, I'll come quietly.
Why, Counselor Fennel.
You're as welcome as
a gumball on the glottis.
You come to see my
show, of course.
We have.
Oh, well, lucky you.
Well, how are things going at
Foaming-At-The-Mouth? All right, eh?
I bet they're
missing their mayor.
Well, this time you
won't be missed.
The superintendent has
a warrant for your arrest,
and if the show is
not a success, which
The balloonI mean,
the curtain's just going up.
So make yourself at
Here we are backstage, and
speaking from the wings,
I can tell you the curtain's just gone
up on the Budapest nightclub scene.
Just for tonight,
My soul will sing with rapture,
One song of bliss
Will echo through the night.
Just for tonight,
My longing heart will capture
Love's thrilling kiss
That from our stars takes flight.
Will he be handsome and charming,
Eyes with love light agleam?
Tender, but rather alarming,
As he seemed in my dream?
Just for tonight
My music,
my words,
my wife!
You're listening to
Princess for Tonight,
written and composed
by Thomas Handley,
a newly discovered
genius of the theatre.
The rat, the
double-crossing crook!
Oh, rats.
Just for tonight,
My soul will sing with rapture,
One song of bliss
Will echo through the night.
Just for tonight,
My longing heart will capture
Love's thrilling kiss
That from our stars take flight.
Now I've taught you all I
know about unarmed combat.
Go to it.
It's a cinch. We'll
give them the works.
This is my big chance.
Them students,
they got me scared.
Why ain't they done
something after that trick
you did to them with
the fountain pen?
Oh, probably some strange
power I have over them.
- Mr Henry
- Hello, Kitty, you're late.
Come and sit close to me, I
may want to dictate a letter to you.
Mr Henry, something
terrible has happened.
Hey, you're swiping my line.
Your students were all on the
stage of the Olympian theatre,
and now they've disappeared.
They must have been drinking
the ink out of my fountain pen.
I'll bet they're out to do you some
dirty tricks, boss. They're out to get you.
Nonsense, I'll have them
eating out of my hands.
Oh, gee, boss, eating!
What the
Aah, you killer! Lemme go!
May we have your
autograph, please?
Why, certainly.
What do you think you're doing?
Good morning, nice day.
Good morning, I'll call again.
I always find the world okay
in hail or snow or rain.
Go home and tell your mother
she should keep you on a chain.
Good morning, nice day.
Good morning, I'll call again.
Very good, wasn't he?
Even if it was a bit awkward
for Miss BlandishI mean Ferris.
How did that mug
get on the stage?
What the devil's going on here?
Where is everyone?
What's the meaning of this?
Get up, are you all drunk?
Ah, now, now the
show really begins.
The big undressing number.
My own idea, Sam.
Remind me to open a cafe.
Striptease, sixpence, washrooms ninepence.
Don't be common, Sam.
Kitty, you must
understudy this number.
We'll start rehearsals tomorrow.
Gosh!
You swindler, come
outside and be murdered.
Run, boss!
Run, boss!
Run, boss!
Boss, something
terrible is gonna happen!
Let me out, did you
hear? I've got to go on!
Oh, so very long ago, you kissed me.
But no, not now.
So I used to make believe
that you missed me,
- But no, not now.
- Not now.
- There, a tender flame was burning
- There, a tender flame was burning
- Now, my foolish heart is learning
- Now, my foolish heart is learning
- Love was like a fragrant rose
- Love was like a fragrant rose
- That you don't like
- That you don't like
But no, not now.
Stay, I bring this
fragrant rose-bud to you,
To seal my vow.
Sir, I'm very much obliged
And I too, you
No, no, not now.
Pardon mine and leave me never
Be my guiding star forever.
For no matter where you go
I follow you
But no, not now.
My princess!
No, no, Rudolph. We
must leave at once.
What would His Majesty say if
he were to find you here?
You must go now.
I wish to have a lay down.
After you, Claude.
No. After you, Cecil.
Get out from under that
lamp shade, Handley.
This is Funf speaking.
I present a dramatic
monologue written and composed
by myself, entitled, "Hats
Off to Winston Churchill".
In history's pages, there's many a hero,
from Julius J. Caesar to Emperor Nero.
There's Queen Boudicea,
and Mary Queen of Scot
So, hats off to Churchill,
the best of the lot.
There's Rob Roy of Scotland...
- It's our turn to go!
- No, it's mine!
- Well, what about me?
- What about me?
(all shouting)
Shut up, shut up.
Daisy goes on next.
It was Alfred the King,
whose cakes got too hot.
So, hats off to Churchill, the
best of the lot, and then the hey!
Pardon mine and leave me never
We hoisted dear Old Glory,
besides a grand old Union Jack.
The Yanks are over here,
so give a hearty cheer.
The Doughboy and the Jack-Tar
will be there when they was here.
They'll write a gallant story,
until they all come marching back.
Well we've hoisted dear Old Glory,
besides a grand old Union Jack.
Hey you guys stopped my performance.
I'll shoot you down in flames.
Ladies and gentlemen, my
show has been sabotaged.
For the first time in my life, I have
disappointed my friends, the public.
If you will apply at the
box office on your way out,
you can reserve your
seats for the new first night.
I sell you pretty postal card.
Much bigger, much better.
No, go away, not
now, old man, not now.
In all my experience...
When? Tomorrow?
No, not even tomorrow.
Pity.
Now, ladies and gentlemen.
Ah, Mr Handley.
Mr Mayor.
Handley! Here, Handley!
Handley! Handley!
Ah, Mr Handley.
Pardon. It's a fair cop.
I'll take the summons.
Summons?
On behalf of my syndicate,
I am empowered to offer you
five thousand pounds
for your Olympian theatre.
What?
Come out of there,
Hamley. Come on.
All right. It's a deal. Come on.
Sign it. Come
on, sign it. Sign it.
- Just a moment.
- Oh, I've got a pen, here.
Thank you, Mr Snodgrass.
It's been a pleasure,
Mr Handley.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
- Arrest him, superintendent.
Just a minute. I have here a
check for five thousand pounds.
Five?
And never let it be said
that the fair name of Handley
has fouled the filthy name
of Foaming-At-The-Mouth.
Thank you.
Well, I must say you
surprise me, Your Worship.
I'm afraid we misjudged you.
You're... Why, it's just a blank.
Blimey. My delayed action pen.
I love ballets, pally.
Very graceful, Cecil.
Now let me do you.
Goody goody.
Oh, I say!
Ooh! Thunder, lightning!
Oh, well, after you, Cecil!
Handley! Handley!
After you, Claude.
No. After you, Cecil.
Missed him!
He gone?
He come back?
Don't forget the diver, sir.
Don't forget the diver.
I'm going down now, sir.
Ta-ta for now.
Good morning, my good man.
Did you have to sweep the high street
in Acacia Avenue? Look at the time.
- What's your watch say?
- Tick tick.
- Ah, Mr Town Clerk.
- Mr Mayor, this really isn't fair.
The Council's in session,
and you're not there.
Well, I got to the foot of our stair.
Get somebody else to take the chair.
But I can't balance the rates.
Well in that case I'd better
juggle with the petty cash.
Ninepence returned empty,
ten of each way, Fetlock Fanny,
one on Fulton's Hush Money.
That's a throw away two, carry
nine, fly away Peter, fly away
four apples a pound, pears, watermelons
we have none, put down those plums.
No, it's no good.
I shall have to raise the rates again.
- Hello?
- This is Funf speaking.
Oh, a Funf call, eh?
Beware, Mr Mayor.
Your end is in sight.
Good Lord, is my
shirt hanging out?
You won't hang out
much longer, Handly.
Funf will get you.
Funf has spoken.
Oh, go and strain your cabbage water.
He can't frighten me.
Says you.
Now, let me see, where was I?
Oh, ten bob to come
back from the dogs,
two shillings for
secondhand suite tickets,
And there's ahey,
where are you going?
This the way to the stables?
That's right, straight
through and up the stairs.
This place is about as
private as a cup final.
What am I talking about?
We haven't got any stables.
Hey.
Excuse?
Well, if it isn't old ping-pong
pants, what do you want?
Please mister, you give me
permission to peddle on your pier?
Certainly not.
Any other town I
peddle where I like?
Well you can't peddle here,
it upsets my curriculum.
Oh, pity, no, me, mister, please.
I sell you very nice toffee onion?
Very pongy, very sticky.
No thanks, I don't smoke.
- No like him?
- No.
- No, no, mister
- What?
You buy nice pretty postcard.
Very pretty lady. Very warm, very saucy.
How dare you. Let's have a look.
No, no, no. Four
shillings for look.
I wouldn't give you a
fourpence for the lot.
Now go on, hop it and
don't darken my dado again.
- Oh mister.
- Go on.
- Mister.
- What?
I go.
I come back.
I don't care if you
never come back.
And now, back to the chiseling.
These marbles are leading
me up the wrong alley.
I'll try my Wall Street account.
Now let me see.
Bears, bears, two bears,
four bulls, two nanny goats.
Price putting a victim
down, divide by sixteen.
Move to the right in fours.
- I say, what
- Can I do you now, sir?
Well crack me on the
cranium, if it isn't Mrs Mopp,
the char with the
bottomless bucket.
Can Ican I wring you out, sir?
What do you think
I am, the old year?
I think you're
an old rascal, sir.
You've been reading my diary.
I've, I've brought
this for you, sir.
Ah, my robe of office.
Help me on with it, Mrs Mopp. I'm
expecting a summons at any moment.
Oh, another of them
nasty things, sir?
I mean from the council chamber.
I believe they wish
to pay me the honor
Oh, then I can have
me back wages, sir?
Pay me the honor of
reelecting me for a further term.
- Oh.
- Don't jump to conclusions.
And go easy round
Tappenham Corner.
I've mended the
rend in the rear, sir.
Yes, and you've brushed
off all the banquet stains.
I shan't get any more till after the
war, and they were vintage ones, too.
Now where's my chain of office?
- I haven't seen it lately, sir.
- Come on, help me look for it.
Hey, boss. Hey, boss.
Something terrible's happened.
Not now, Sam, we haven't any
time for accidents this morning.
Help me to look for my chain.
- Ta-ta for now.
- We'll meet at the plow.
Oh, I, I chanced to confine a cantering
canine with your choice chain, and
and the canine was chased
by a cantankerous cat,
and careened quickly across the
corner, carrying the chain conspicuously.
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, oh, oh.
Listen, Sam, can't you
ever make a dry statement?
You mean you tied a dog to the end of
my chain of office and he's scarpered?
Sure, boss. Am I humiliated!
Am I undone?
But the dog, boss.
I don't want to put on the dog,
I want to put on me chain.
But the dog forgot to leave the
chain behind when he left. See?
(DOG BARKING)
Quick, quick. After him, Sam.
- And don't forget to wear your muzzle.
- Sure, boss.
I'll see you at Barking.
Mr Mayor?
They're shouting for you in there.
I've got the whole thing clear.
What? You've balanced the rates?
- Without turning a hair.
- Good.
I'll face them
without further demur.
The more the merrier.
Aha.
Ah. That's better.
Well, come on.
Oh, I'd better take
my accounts with me.
Pray, silence, for his
worship, the Mayor.
Gentlemen, you
may remain seated.
Ah. Nice weather we're
having for this time of the year.
Well, perhaps you're right.
Is this the Reichstag
or the Wrongstag?
Don't do that to me.
And know ye by
all these presents
Ah, thank you very much.
I'll unveil the presents tomorrow
and they'd better be good.
Members of the Council
of Foaming-at-the-Mouth,
may I be the first
to congratulate you
at having re-elected me
as Mayor for a further term?
Never mind that cackle.
Now, Handley,
we want to know what you've done
with all the money in the town's treasury.
How ever did you
find out it wasn't there?
I wanted it to be a surprise.
If you don't return that money
at once, we'll throw you into jail.
Throw me into my own jail?
Don't be so salamony
and he threw me into my own jail.
I've never laughed so
much since I kissed my
mother-in-law with a
lighted cigar in my mouth.
Gentlemen, we must place
this in the hands of the police.
Yes.
Mr Town Clerk, fetch the Superintendent.
This has gone far enough.
In fact, it's gone too far.
Why, for two pennies
I'd resign as Mayor.
Well why don't you resign?
Resign! Resign!
Get the chains, eh?
Here, here!
Here, give me that chain.
Well gentlemen, that
concludes the business for today.
The meeting is now adjourned.
- What did you do with the money?
- Yes sir, what did you do with the money?
- Well, I very wisely invested it.
- In what?
In ain a game of poker.
Poker?
Pray, pray, pray,
silence for his turn of the card.
I mean, His Worship the Mayor.
When I said poker, I really
meant that I applied the rules
of an ancient and dishonorable
game to matters of high finance.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, do my old
eyes deceive me, especially this one?
Do I see a look of suspicion
lurking on your dubious dials?
Shame on you, you shambling shysters.
Never in my life... Hey, haven't
you found those stables yet?
No.
All right, I'll come and
show you where you are.
No, you don't.
Oh, I see.
Now, Handley, what
have you to say?
Well, with the town's
money and my pack of cards,
Foaming-at-the-Mouth
now owns the lease of the
Olympian Theatre, the
finest theatre in London.
You have the audacity to admit that
you invested our money in a theatre?
- That's right.
- And a London theatre, too?
- Yes.
- It's a scandal.
It's disgusting.
And I suppose you intend to
fill it with half-clothed women.
Carried unanimously.
That's an idea, Fennell.
I'll put on a review.
I'll call it "Parlez-vudenude."
That's French for "Gone
With The Windmill."
Mr Handley.
If you don't return the
money immediately,
you'll be charged with
embezzlement of municipal funds.
Emboozlement of
the foozlement titifullow?
How dare you, you cad!
Hear them out there?
My creditors!
I mean my champions.
My faithful supporters.
The common people.
They know their mayor.
They trust their mayor.
They love their mayor.
My friends.
Well, that's the first tomato I've
tasted since they were controlled.
This nonsense has gone far enough.
Where's that Superintendent?
Hey, boss, something terrible!
He's chasing me now! Oh!
(all shouting)
Oh, okay boss!
I got the chain!
Well hurry, that's
good! Keep moving!
Here, here.
- What's this?
- What?
Can't get away with bus tickets.
Oh, well they're
beautiful tickets.
- Very good, gentlemen.
- Hey, just a minute.
This way out.
The mayor is trying
to make a getaway.
Stop, thief.
Dirty spy.
You'll hear from my union.
It's humiliating.
That's what it is, boss.
That guy, Funf, trying
to scare you all the time.
Don't be silly, sir.
This station's full of
old buggers like Funf.
Well, at last we're
in the money, son.
We're on our way to London
like Cat Whittington and his dick.
My Olympian theater
will be a gold mine.
I shall be as rich as Creosote.
I'll have a car, a cigar, and a saloon bar.
I'm going to be an impresario.
What's that, boss?
Oh, a big noise like
C.B. Cato, you know.
The guy that makes young
ladies into chorus girls.
Puts on those famous shows like
Screwtop and the Seven Quarts,
and Vat 69, and So What.
Well, what are you going
to use for money, boss?
What all impresarios use:
other people's.
Now, where's my gas mask?
Now, that's it.
Can I do you now, sir?
No, I'm too busy.
I've brought this for you, sir.
Oh, isn't that nice of you?
What is it? One of your
daughter's dumplings?
No, sir.
Some of my relations' rissole.
Why, they're all ole and no riss.
Kick 'em about until you lose 'em.
Oh, I'll do you later, sir.
Go and tidy the tender.
Ta-ta for now.
Change here for Slough.
Five and ninepence and half a mark.
Sam, there's a quisling in the choir.
Oh, gee, boss, we ain't got enough
there for two tickets to London.
What are you going
to tell the guard?
I shall tell him that the mayor of
Foaming-at-the-Mouth
is doing his cock-eyed railway
a great honor by riding on it.
And if he dares ask me for my
ticket, I'll punch his return half.
- Oh gee, boss!
- What?
The guard's coming now.
Oh!
Ah, here we are, Sam.
The Olympian Theatre.
London's noblest and most
magnificent temple of the drama.
The Olympian!
Gee, it sure is a swell dump, boss.
Swell dump? It's
not only Olympian,
it's positively amphibian.
You know what that means?
- No, boss.
- You're quite right.
In future, the seats will
be put up to tuppence,
fourpence, and
sixpence, including tax.
If anybody asks for a half
ticket, just peep through
this porthole and see if
they're kneeling down.
Now, give me two free seats
in the second-hand program.
Can't you read? We're
preparing a new show.
Opening soon, C.B.
Cato presents Stella Ferris
in Hilary Craven's new musical
comedy, Tonight or Never.
Why wasn't I told about this?
How dare they open
soon behind my back.
I'm going to make a few
changes around here.
Ah, my good man.
Just direct me to my office, will you?
Your office? Who are you?
- Tell him, Sam.
- His Township, the Mayor.
I'm the new owner
of this theater.
Show him the chain, Sam.
Oh!
- It's just up those stairs, sir.
- Well go and fetch it.
Oh, my office?
Oh, thank you.
And remember, work with
diligence, obey with alacrity,
eat with your knife,
and who knows, one day,
you may be manager
of the Olympian Theatre.
Come on, Sam.
Ah, Sam, this won't do.
This won't do at all.
I can't play my
parlor games in here.
- What's the matter with it, boss?
- Well, the floor is opposite the ceiling.
Everything's the wrong shape.
I take back those words, Sam.
Those are the shape
of things to come.
Sam, we must try to make our
office as attractive as our visitors.
Looks like a classy
joint to me, boss.
Well, in this case, the
joints are unrussian.
Oh!
You're a beauty
queen, I presume.
Oh, yes. When I was 16, I
won an ankle competition.
And work your way up, eh?
Are you an actress now?
Oh, I can act all right.
If I have to.
As soon as I saw this theatre, I said to
myself, "Whoa-ho! Shine the chain, Sam."
I'm afraid we haven't
been introduced.
Tell her, Sam.
This is His Worship, the Mayor.
I'm Alderman Handley.
Probably you thought an alderman
was much a much older man.
But I can assure you,
as a mayor, I'm no fool.
Get up, Sam.
I'm the new owner of this theatre.
It's only fair to warn you.
Oh, but how wonderful.
How simply divine.
We must have a
spot of lunch together.
You bring the spot and
I'll find the corkscrew.
Oh, yes.
Well, ta-ta for now.
I'm a very busy man, but
not too busy. I'll see you later.
Now, come on, Sam, come on, son.
Clear all this mess off here.
Let's get to work.
Make everything ship-shape.
Wellington boot in foreign arches.
Dreadful.
Ah! Now, here's a real artist.
A cutie with a real punch.
What's this? Mustapha Gasper
and his company of 50 players.
Shocking.
Well, not too bad.
Nice sax appeal.
Haven't I seen you
in Burton's window?
Ah, she's a bit of all right, Sam.
We'll leave her.
Well, the office is
looking better already.
Yeah.
- What about this guy?
- Aw, give him a break, boss.
- Give him a break! - Certainly.
Ah, she's a smasher.
- Ah, more of them.
- Ah, here's a couple of more, Sam.
Oh well, not so dusty.
Wants doing up a bit.
Well, that's the ugliest
mug of the whole lot.
All the marks of
the born criminal.
You really think so?
Absolutely antimacassar.
One ear hangs lower than the other.
LookI seem to have
seen your face before.
Now, don't tell
me. Don't tell me.
Hmm. And still I don't like it.
Well, my good man,
what can I do for you?
I was just about to ask
you the same question.
I am C.B. Cato, the
owner of this theatre.
Ha! Tell him, Sam.
That's Mr Thomas Handley, perpetual
Mayor of Foaming-at-the-Mouth.
Flash the deed, Sam.
Now, first of all, I think I'll
have the office repainted.
Uh, distemper will do.
If you can't get distemper,
get dat temper.
- You want the office repainted?
- Yes.
Might I suggest Eau de Nil
with an off-white ceiling?
Yes, and a dago
running round the walls.
And perhaps a four-ale
bar in this corner.
Yes, and four hale and
hearty bar maids in that corner.
Very well, if you want them.
You know, C.B., I'm
beginning to like you.
Thank you. Perhaps in time,
even my face will grow on you.
If it does, I'll wear
the gas mask.
Well, I think that's about
everything. You can go now.
Yes. But there's one teeny-weeny
little thing we've overlooked.
Oh?
What an eyesore. All bits and pieces.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Well, phone up the demolition squad, and
tell them to move all this muck and rubble.
But that muck and rubble, my
dear sir, is your Olympian theatre.
This is the Imperial.
Well, kiss me on the catamaran.
Are we mortified!
We're in the wrong dump, boss.
Well, I shouldn't have blamed
you, even if you'd lost your temper.
What!
Gee, boss. Something fantastic's occurred.
So, this is the Olympian Theatre. Well,
push me into the pit with a pole axe.
Looks more like the ruins if
crumb were knocked about a bit.
(SIREN WAILING)
I expected two cats,
but there's three.
They must have been
in there a long time.
Oh, gee, boss.
This place gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Well, perhaps there's a
caretaker about somewhere.
Oh, he came away
in me mitt, boss.
A dissolving door, eh?
Well, go easy with my theatre, Sam.
He's had a nervous
breakdown already.
- Good morning. Nice day.
- No.
- Lovely weather we're having.
- I'll have some, too.
- I'll call again.
- Do.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Nice day.
Who was that, boss?
That was my pal, Iachi,
the Phantom of the Opera.
Oh, you bought a pup.
Take note of this, Sam.
He always walks on Friday.
I'm scared, boss. Let's get out of this
place while we got the strength.
Oh, I say. You down there.
Are you speaking to me?
Oh, definitely. Look here. Would
you awfully mind coming over here?
Hurry up.
Well, no, no, not as far as that.
Back a little, please.
Now, a little to your left.
Hey, am I all right here?
Quite, thank you.
- Hey!
- Ah! Missed him.
I'll get that guy, boss.
I'll give him the works.
Boss, something phony's happening.
I needn't get to it down there.
I'm the fairy of the wishing well
I've come to weave my magic spell
With a hey, nonny-nonny
and a ding dong dell
I'm the pity, itty fairy of the
wishing well.
Who let you mugs in?
Suffering stoats. Tell her, Sam.
You can't speak to the boss like that.
He's a mayor.
He's the new owner of this theatre, see?
Anything amiss, miss?
A mayor? He looks
more like an old hack.
So you're the new owner, eh?
Hey! Come here a minute! Hey!
Hey!
Boss, this place
will drive me screwy!
It's an echo, you chump.
Echo, you chump.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Who's your lady friend?
Who's the little girl
who's by your side?
- I've seen you.
- With a gutter too.
- Oh,
- Oh,
- Oh.
- I am surprised at you.
This is Funf speaking.
Your theatre is
ruined, and so are you.
Ta-ta for now.
If I can catch that scoundrel,
I'll strangle him in his own sauerkraut.
It's humiliating.
That's what it is, boss.
Who is this guy, Funf?
Why is he always after us?
Who's behind him?
If I knew, Sam, I wouldn't be
giving myself this headache.
Anyway, I'm not
worrying about Funf.
He's just a tenpenny trunk call.
Well, how far is a
tenpenny trunk call?
Well you would ask that.
Well, look, Sam.
Say this is Biggleswade here.
Sam, did you see what I saw?
Turn round.
No, you turn round, boss.
No, I promised my
grandmother I'd never look back.
Is that him?
Is that the man that robbed us?
Robbed you? Who do you
think I am, Sweeney Tom?
He's a dirty crack.
You mean dirty crook?
He says he's your new governor.
Quite right. I am
the new governor.
Your Worship, the Mayor.
And may I remind you, as
legal owner of these premises,
I shall prosecute all trespassers
with the utmost rigor of the law.
That's telling 'em, boss.
Hey, come on, mister.
We don't want no excuses.
You owe us each eight of the pound.
Eight of the pound?
What are you selling, plums?
I do not sell palms.
Palms? You mean plums.
Yes, I said palms.
Listen, Garibaldi, it's P-L-U-M-S, palms.
You mean plums. Now, please.
Will you digga the dough up?
Come on, hand over the smackers.
Yeah, c'mon!
We want our money back.
Yeah!
Quiet!
Now, perhaps I can explain.
- You see, we're all members of the school.
- School?
Yeah, this is the Olympian Academy
of Dramatic Art, and I am the star pupil.
All right, all right, all right, I
can act you guys off the stage.
I know I surprise you, I am
the guy that dropped the sandbag.
Yeah, and here's another thing.
I am the guy that says,
"I, say, would you mind awfully
moving over a little bit, please?"
Different voice.
I like the sandbag best.
As you bought the theatre, I'm afraid
you're also responsible for the school.
I wouldn't mind teaching you
a thing or two if I could, but...
But nothing. We want our money back.
What do you think we are? A lot of poopers?
Poopers? Don't talk garlic,
you mean paupers.
You see, they've
paid half their fees
to the old owner, Mr
Bookham, and he's disappeared.
Yeah, Mr Bookham, the first time I heard
that man, I said to myself, "Whoa-ho!"
- Oh.
- The school's a flop, a washout.
Well, let me get
this thing straight.
How much do I charge
per term for tuition?
Oh, 16 pounds.
16? Then each of you
owe me eight pounds.
Have you no sense of
financial responsibility?
It's perfectly pedagogic.
Pay you? What can you teach us?
Everything, from Hamlet
down to paper-tearing.
Do you know anything
about the show business?
I should think so.
Why, my dear old aunt used to
iron Grimaldi's tights.
And only a few moments ago, I had to
tear myself away from the great C.B. Cato.
Cato?
I only left the stage
to become mayor.
Mayor?
Don't tell me you've never
heard of Big Tom Handbell.
Go on, boss. Show 'em.
Let's hit the trail, Big Timer.
(Guitar music)
You've heard of the
Soldier's Farewell, I dare say,
And the Arab's
Farewell To His Steed.
But here's a farewell, a pretty farewell,
to a horse of a different breed.
Hang all my clothes
on the old clothes horse,
I've been chased
by the sheriff too long.
And I've walked all the way
from the bunk house today,
So I'm singing the
Tenderfoot Song.
Hang up my saddle of mutton,
and bring me a chop for a change.
And wheel in the old dinner wagon,
'cause I'm riding the kitchen range.
Don't let all my
pals know I'm dry.
They'll all think this
body's gone wrong.
On the back of a chair
you will find the old mare,
'cause I'm singing
the Tenderfoot song.
Mighty fine, mighty fine.
- Howdy partner.
- Howdy.
Meet the horse.
Why, that's a mighty fine
mustang you got there, my friend.
Mighty fine, mighty fine.
(Horse whinnying)
How now, folks,
before we hit the hay,
how 'bout singing a mighty fine
chorus before the mighty fine campfire.
Mighty fine, mighty
fine, mighty fine.
Give me the A, partner.
So hang all my clothes
on the old clothes horse,
we've been chased
by the sheriff too long.
And I've walked all the way
from the bunk house today,
so I'm singing the
Tenderfoot Song.
Hang up my saddle of mutton,
and bring me a chop for a change.
And wheel in the old dinner wagon,
'cause I'm riding the kitchen range.
Don't let all my
pals know I'm dry.
They'll all think this
body's gone wrong.
On the back of a chair
to find the old mare,
Mighty fine.
'cause I'm singing
the Tenderfoot Song!
Yippee!
Classroom A, Method technique.
Mighty fine, mighty fine.
I'll teach you all I know
about that tomorrow morning.
It won't take very long.
Ah, Dancing and Beauty.
Just my cup of tea.
Sam, remind me to open
an operatic class, will you?
- Ten guineas extra.
- Sure boss.
Wait'll they see me
play Soused, eh?
This will be your
office now, Mr Handley.
What, Bookham? Sam, obliterate
that scoundrel's name at once.
Sure.
The moment I saw it, I
said to myself, "Oh, no!"
Well, that'll be all.
Ta-ta for now, students.
(All shouting)
Pray, silence, for his
time bomb, the Mayor.
Friends, humans, pupils,
your future is before you.
Remember, the stars of today
are the nightlights of tomorrow.
Place yourself in my hands.
I swear by my chain of office
show 'em the chain, Sam
that each and every one of you will
ascend the ladder of fame, rung by rung.
Give yourselves to art.
Art, with a capital Ar.
Only another eight quid, and
you'll have your name in lights.
All right.
Now run along, students.
Practice your party
pieces, loosen your larynx,
tighten your tights, and report at 10:30
in the morning when we start our classes.
He's a great guy, I think.
Will you step into my parlour?
Remind me to get
some etchings, Sam.
Ah, something like an office.
Something.
Mighty fine, mighty fine.
If you're the new owner, perhaps
I'd better tell you what I've been doing.
My dear girl, I'm broad-minded.
Need we worry about our past?
What is your name?
I'm Kitty Kent,
secretary of the school.
Well, Kitty, whatever your
salary is, I shall double it.
I work here for nothing.
Very well, I'll treble it.
You see, I'm a student, too, but I act
as secretary instead of paying for tuition.
Well, from now on, you get
private lessons in my public school.
I'm in the next room,
just ring if you want me.
What a marvelous idea.
And where is the bell?
In your room?
Why no, it's there on your desk.
On my bed.
Sam, the moment I saw that Judy,
I said to myself, "Where's that bell?"
After you, Claude.
No, after you, Cecil.
Dancing class for beginners,
10:30 tomorrow morning.
What do you two
ballet dancers want?
I've got a writ,
twit.
Is yours for room
and board, Claude?
No, mine's for
dispossissal, Cecil.
Hey, what are you talking about?
These summonses are for W.B.
Bookham, the scoundrel, and he's hoofed it.
It's for his flat,
that.
45 Mayfair Manor.
- 700 pounds, 19
- And a tenner?
- That's right.
- I wish I had as many shillings.
So he lived there two years
without paying any rent, did he?
Just the sort of place I want.
Take the address, Bess.
Who's Bess, boss?
You is, Liz.
Now, listen, you two, it's no
good you giving me these writs.
They're not worth the
salvage they're written on.
But once my theatre's
on its feet,
I'll be rolling in boodle, and
you shall have a roll with me.
Well, there's no need for us to stay.
Eh?
We'd better go.
Joe.
After you, Claude.
No, after you, Cecil.
Come.
Well, cuddle me
in the council chair.
45 Mayfair Manor.
What a posh address, Sam, eh?
It's worth every penny
of the rent I'll never pay.
From now on, we live there.
Oh, gee, boss, can't we
go back where we belong?
We ain't got a dime.
Before long, you'll have all
the fun and dimes you want.
Eight quid a week from my
students for a start. Mere chicken feed.
Oh, what I could do
to a chicken right now.
Well, what's one empty
stomach between friends?
I'll rebuild the theatre.
I'll put on the finest
show London's ever seen.
I'll make hundreds of pounds.
Thousands.
Millions.
Where's that bell?
We've seen every movie of Mr. Crosby
Bought all the records we could
And though he's hot, he'll learn a lot
When local girls make good
Don't be so dull,
we're rehearsing and all, Mr. Crosby
Someday you'll know
where the babys do show you a thing
You may be top, but we're not gonna stop
- After you, Claude.
- Mr. Crosby
Till they are famous,
a-slightly more famous than Bing
Now the rhythm's goin'
you can hear the corner growin
Hi-dee hi-dee ho
Hi-dee ho
Gettin' in condition
for a wonderful audition on the radio
Give us a break
or you'll make a mistake, Mr. Crosby
Can't you recall
when Paul was the king?
He can swing it hard, sing it loose
Even sing the swing time
boop boop boop boop
Oh, Mr. Crosby,
we wish we could sing it like you
Mighty fine, eh? Mighty fine.
I've never seen so many legs since
the local butcher's shop was closed.
Well, gather round,
everybody, gather round.
Sam, open up the office.
I have something very
important I want to tell you all.
I can see a magnificent
future before all of you,
for the mere sum of
And as we told-a you
before, you find us jobs,
or else there is
I'm not talking to you, you macaroni
mug. Your opinion's not worth a
What about these jobs you've
been promising for a fortnight?
You haven't paid your
fees for a fortnight, see?
If you don't do something
soon, I'll fetch my uncle Percy.
(whistles) Uncle Percy. I make
mincemeat of Uncle Percys.
Oh gee boss, could I
go for some mincemeat.
So you don't trust me, eh?
After all I've done for you?
Very well then. Sam?
Sam? Pick up the cash box.
We'll go into conference.
Where's the nearest?
Mr Handley?
Ahyes?
Ah, I've got something for you.
- Bump the baby Sam.
- Say, listen buddy,
You can't see the boss
without an appointment.
So take it easy
(THUD)
They took in mighty fine.
Let that be a lesson to you, students.
Take this, Sam. Wait until they get
a load of what I cooked up for them.
Aw, gee, boss, must
you use that word?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Nice day.
- No.
You'd like to buy a nice lamppost
in perfect condition, wouldn't you?
- No.
- Just stick it up in front of the house.
What's the good of a
lamppost in the blackout?
Oh, this one's alright, invisible
light. You'll never see it after dark.
Well how am I gonna
find my way home?
Oh, ask a policeman.
That's a good idea, sir.
One lamppost, three pounds
13 and sixpence. Sign, please.
Here?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Nice day.
That must have been Al
Ectrician, the gas man.
You want to watch that guy
boss, it might be Funf.
Oh, nonsense
Missed him!
It's me nerves, I tell
you, it's me nerves.
Hey, will you stay
where you are? Come on.
- Hey, lay off
- Hey, I'll do ya dirt
What's the matter wit'cha?
I'm only trying to get
the boss's attention.
Well, do you always
say it with bullets?
Nobody gives me a
break over here, mister.
Why, over home in Chicago,
even the cops couldn't catch me.
I changed my character
too quick, see? Like this:
I got a million.
A different face for every voice,
a different voice for every face.
I'm colossal, I'm stupendous
Arthur Askey?
Oh, here's another one. Catch us
while you wait. You ready?
Get a load of this,
will you. Look at that.
There's a lovely watch,
there's a lovely watch,
the 14-jewelling is leave
all semi hunter,
oxidane silver.
Guaranteed, sir, the bend buckle
all sticks tenth in every hole,
jewel in every link,
antique and waterpoof.
I don't half think me wants a price
of five, nor four, nor three shillings
only ask today,
one half-a-crown
30 copper coins.
Here, thou has won, sir.
No, no, no, I've just
bought a lamppost.
Anyway, come to my office tomorrow and
impersonate a student giving me 8 guineas.
Oh, thanks a lot, sir. You're
a great guy, a great guy.
Ever since I joined up with
you, I ain't afraid of nothing. Boo!
Well slap me on the jetty with a
jellyfish. That guy must be nuts.
So here you are, Handley.
Yes, here today,
and gone this second.
Excuse please, mister. I sell
you very pretty postal card?
I've seen them all.
Well mister, I show you very
pretty Persian carpet for theatre?
No. Listen, could you show
me the Indian rope trick?
Now just a moment, Handley.
Oh, it's you mister, please,
I show you very pretty
postal card, you like, eh?
Very risque, very saucy.
- Go on, try one.
- No thank you.
No? No?
All right, I go,
I come back.
Now Handley, let's
get down to brass tacks.
Yes. All right,
certainly, certainly.
Do you gentlemen like cigars?
Good. Well, just put a few in
here, will you? I'm collecting them.
Now stop fooling, Handley,
and understand this:
if the town's money
isn't paid in full,
we'll jail you and close
both theatre and school.
Close down the school?
I don't know who you are, but I think
you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
When I think how Mr
Handley is sacrificing himself
- How true, how true.
- devoting all his skill and knowledge
- How very true.
- Never sparing himself
for a moment to make
our school a success.
Oh, dear. Perhaps we'd better
defer putting the man in stir.
Oh, do you think so, Mr Town Clerk?
Well, if I thought there was any
chance of Handley repaying the money,
- But, uh
- All he needs is time.
What? Time?
Oh, oh, yes. I see
what you mean.
Gentlemen, I'm expecting to close
a colossal deal this very afternoon.
What? You doubt my words?
Very well then. Sam, get me
C.B. Cato on the phone now.
- But boss, I thought you wasn't gonna call
- Get Cato on the phone-o.
Okay, boss.
Well, I suppose you've
all heard of C.B. Cato?
Well, who hasn't?
Why, do you actually know him?
As well as I know the
wart on me wishbone.
Now I want you all to listen
to this historic conversation.
I expect to put over the
biggest theatrical deal in history.
Here, Titch, you have a do, too.
Okay, boss, C.B. Cato's on the line.
Hello, Tommy, you old rascal.
How about having
dinner with me tonight?
I'll just look at my
engagement book.
I'm up to my neck in it
these days, you know.
He's talking to C.B.
Cato now, so quietly.
Now, I've given a good deal of
thought to the whole proposition
and here is my final word.
If we agree to put
on the Hilary Craven
play, I must have at
least 50% of the profits
That's okay by me,
Tommy, old boy,
we ought to make 100,000 easily.
Is that all? Why, I wouldn't have
gone to all this trouble if I had known.
However, I've given my word.
Thanks, Tommy.
I knew I could rely on you.
You've never let a pal down.
But there's still the
matter of casting the show.
Oh, don't give it another thought,
C.B., my students are marvelous
That's good, we need new blood.
I'll give them all star parts.
Er, those who have paid
up their fees, of course.
Okay, C.B., every student that
stands by me will be rewarded.
Hello, Tommy, you old rascal.
How about having
dinner with me tonight?
I thought we'd
settled all this before.
Of course, Tommy.
Tommy Tommy Tommy
We need new blood blood blood blood
Well, I think the best way to explain
the whole thingit's quite simple
(all shouting)
Don Valentino, where have you
been-o? Don Valentino, don't tell a lie,
It's plainly seen-o, mucho cavino, has
brought that naughty look to your eye.
Don Valentino, you're very mean-oh.
Oh, will you ever learn to act right?
You never wanna come home to Donna,
though la cantina is closed for the night.
Although, you know,
I love you so,
you so-and-so.
I've changed the scene-o, and go to Reno,
to tell the judge how wicked you are.
Don Valentino, you jumping bean-o,
if you've a serenade that's new,
time you started to
practice it on your guitar.
Yes, that's out. And the play's
postponement is your fault.
Mine!
Yes, for walking
out on that drunken
playwright husband of yours.
You ought to go back to him.
Not me, I gave him the best years of
my life in our six months of marriage.
Yes, but he's gone to pieces.
All I got so far is a title.
Not a line of the play has
he given me, not a line.
Look at these: costumes
designed, sets made, and not a line.
And that's not all:
5000 I've advanced that human
rotting bag on the promise of the play.
Oh, C.B., you're
beginning to bore me.
Hilary may be a souse, but you
made a packet out of his plays.
Huh? Well, I'll get that play
out of Hilary Craven somehow,
and it won't be a
painless extraction, I'll
This has just come
from Hilary Craven.
Ah, the play.
He's come to his senses at last.
Ha! His research library.
"Write it yourself, sucker."
But what do you want us to do with
all our beautiful designs, Mr Cato?
Oh Stella, do you mind
going out while I tell him?
Now look here you
Aw gee boss, I'm so hungry I feel
as if my stomach was full of butterflies.
Let's beat it back home, boss.
Nonsense, Sam, I'm hungry too, but I
see a fortune awaiting me in the theatre,
and I'm going right after it.
- I've got the bit between me teeth.
- I wish I had a bit between mine.
All I need is wider scope. No
obstacle should bar my way.
Oh, I beg your pardon, madam.
I didn't see you with your mouth open.
Now then, Sam, slip back to the
theatre and get my robe of office.
Okay, boss.
(chattering in foreign language)
Aluminum, fastens your pants.
(chattering in foreign language)
Yes, they're open all night.
(chattering in foreign language)
Well, there's only
room for one at a time.
(chattering in foreign language)
No, I haven't any
change, ask the attendant.
(chattering in foreign language)
Well press button B
and get your money back.
Oh, thanks a lot.
I mean, thank you.
So it's you, is it? Go on,
take him out, I know you.
You couldn't bluff a
bobby in the blackout.
Gee, I'd be the finest character
actor in the world, except for one thing.
What's that?
It's my nerves, I tell
you. It's my nerves.
I'll be bumping into Goebbels next.
My, haven't you grown.
Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
- Could you oblige me with a light?
- Eh!
Here you are.
Handley. The very man I want to see.
Fennel. The fun will now commence.
Handley, come back here.
Come back, Handley!
- Handley! Handley!
- That was a matter of shame.
- Here, why don't you eat more carrots?
- Come back here!
I know that voice.
- It's him, Uncle Percy.
- Oh it is, is it?
- I've got a bone to pick with you.
- I'll just go and get the mat.
- After him, Uncle Percy.
- Hey! Come back!
- Handley!
- Hey!
Handley!
Handley!
Handley! Handley! Handley!
Hey Handley! Come back!
Handley!
Drop those chips.
This is the Saloon Bar News
and this is Hermann Funf reading it.
Now Funf, eh?
A man named Handley is stealing
potato chips from the middle of the bar.
Blah.
Ah-ah.
Excuse me, sir.
Goodbye, Mr Chips.
Can I get you a drink sir?
No, thanks. No, I've
not finished this one yet.
Gimme a bit of ice.
Excuse please, mister?
Well if it isn't Dan
Dan the peddling man.
You buy nice bottle of
perfume for pretty lady?
- Very strongy, very pongy.
- Sell it to the barman.
There's an awful
aroma around here.
Oh, that's not
barman. That's me.
- You buy perfume? No?
- No.
- Oh, pity, mister
- And I don't want any of those, either.
Oh, very mustard, very pepper.
Bad for my insomnia. Now go on, hop
it, before I fling your fez on the floor.
- Come on, outside.
- All right. All right.
I go.
I come back.
Come on.
- Righto, right, I go, I go.
Mister.
Go on, outside.
There he is, Uncle Percy.
- You're Handley, I believe.
- That's right.
I'm very pleased to meet you.
Whew! I feel
like a dead-end kid.
What about my niece?
Why, are they
troubling you again?
Oh, your nieceoh Daisyoh,
Favorite of mine.
Very promising pupil.
Shall we drink to her future?
Oh.
Well, I am sort of thirsty.
Rather early for the cuckoo.
- Well, gentlemen?
- Hmm, yes.
I see by your shoulder badges that
you belong to an honorable corps.
- I've got badges on my uniform, too.
- Oh?
Yours are for the commandos,
but mineah, mine
- What's yours?
- A teeny-weeny double scotch.
A double scotch? Yes,
sir. And what's yours, sir?
- I'd better have the same.
- Very good, sir.
Six shillings, sir.
Well, cheerio.
Ah, lovely drop of breakfast.
I needed that. I've had a very
full day on an empty tummy.
I seem to have seen
you before, somewhere.
Didn't we meet the other
night down at the chavin?
- Chavin? What chavin?
- Same again.
That'll be another six shillings, sir.
What a common pup.
Ah, well gentlemen, we must
Oh, no you don't.
Here, don't do that to me.
- Who do you think's frightened of you?
- You are.
Yes, I know I am, but do
you know of anybody else?
I'm looking after my niece, see?
You pinched eight pounds
from her, didn't you?
You promised her
the earth, didn't you?
Well I want that
eight quid back, see?
Trouble is, I don't
know me own strength.
Here, I'll show you something.
Watch this.
- Yes, sir?
- The gentleman wants another round.
Very good sir, that'll
be another six shillings.
- Here! Now look here,
- My dear sir,
your niece's future is my
greatest concern.
Why, only this afternoon, I was
talking about it to the great C.B. Cato.
Yeah, I heard. On a gramophone
record. You know Cato. Huh!
I know 'em all.
Cato, Cochran, George
Black, Noel Coward,
Hilary Craven?
Hilary Craven? Why,
he's one of my best pals.
We've stuck together through
thick and clear.
Do you know he's actually promised
to write a new play for your niece?
Then how about
buying him a drink, hey?
Don't butt in, old boy,
I'm busy with a client.
A liqueur brandy, Joe.
I think you've had
enough, Mr Craven.
I think so too.
Mr Craven?
Damned be he who
first cries out, "Enough!"
You're buying Hilary a
drink, aren't you, old pal?
Well, I'll fall through the
fan light on me flap jack.
Hilary.
Fancy meeting you here, eh?
You know your old
pal Tom, don't you?
Tom, Tom, the piper's son,
stole a pig and away he ran?
What did you do with
that pig, eh, you dirty crook?
Erm, I gave it away
for a pot of ferns.
Uncle Percy, meet my
old friend, Hilary Craven.
Pleased, I'm sure.
He doesn't know his own strength.
Perce, show him that trick with the nail.
Want me to do the same again?
- You heard that? The same again, please.
- Same again?
- And a liqueur brandy for me, Joe.
- Suffering cats.
Well now that our dear Daisy's
well set on the road to fame,
you'll excuse me if I go into
conference with Mr Craven, will you?
All right. But you'd better
do right by her or else
That'll be another
ten shillings, sir.
You poor fish, you didn't
ought to be allowed out alone.
- Well, shall we have a drink at the bar?
- No, there's a table over there
Well, I can do with
a drink, I can tell you.
And when I say a
drink, I mean a drink.
You still burned up about
Hilary walking out on you?
I'm used to it by now.
- Here!
- They're here.
- They've followed me.
- Who? Is Funf after you, too?
It's the ingratitude
that gets me.
When I think of all I've done
for that rat of a husband of yours,
and he hasn't written a line.
- Did you hear that?
- Shhh!
Shhh.
Haven't written a line, eh?
That's all he knows.
The best play I've ever written,
all finished except the last scene.
A Hilary Craven
play's worth dough!
- What do we do now?
- Find another play.
Hilary Craven's not the
only scribbler on the stage.
Did you hear that?
A scribbler? Me?
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna tear it into tiny
pieces and throw it in Cato's face.
Anyway, I've got
one satisfaction;
I've been to Scotland Yard.
The police are after him now.
I'm not gonna let that souse chisel
5000 out of me (Door slides open)
(Singing)
Shh, shh. You'll
awaken the fire watcher.
(Blows raspberry)
Poor fire watcher.
Come on.
There you are, lift's out of order.
Come on, let's get a drink.
No, you don't want any more. I'll
give you a lift
- Oh. You'll give me a lift, eh?
- Come on.
- Taxi?
- Upsy-daisy.
I'll be finished
before your play.
That'll never be
finished. What's the good?
I shan't get any more
money out of Cato.
(singing)
If you were to finish this play,
you could sign it with another name,
and I could take it to Cato.
And touch him for another
advance? Oh boy, what an idea.
I'll finish it right now.
Don't write it on
my back. Come on.
And remember we go fifty-fifty.
That's a bet.
I'll start work right away.
Get me a piano.
And a typewriter. I'm g
Princess Priscilla, attended
by her maids of honor,
appears in the royal
bedchamber.
She awaits the entrance of
Prince Rudolf. You got that?
Yes.
She asks herself a question:
Must she endure the embraces
of a man she does not love?
Sadly she sings to herselfI
must get that song finished.
Working over to you...
Over to you...
Over to me...
Over to me...
Around the corner...
Around the corner...
Mind the picture on the wall...
Too late.
It's on my toe...
It's on his toe...
It's on mine too...
It's on his too...
It's the lightest Grand piano...
In the world!
Push it from the back.
Hey, can't you wait
till the legs are on?
Come here...get down. Get down
on your knees. Lie down, come on.
I've played the back legs of a horse
before but never the front legs of a piano
Gee, boss, I wish
he played the piccolo.
I've got it, I've got it.
Just for tonight,
My soul will sing with rapture,
Just for tonight,
My longing heart will capture,
Love's thrilling kiss,
That from our stars takes flight,
Will he be handsome and charming?
Eyes with love light agleam?
Tender, but rather alarming,
As he seemed in my dream?
Just for tonight,
For paradise is calling,
The world is mine at last,
Just for tonight...
Well, that brings us
into the finale. It's terrific.
Far better than anything that
drunken husband of yours ever wrote.
- It's wonderful.
- Wonderful? It's sensational.
Just imagine Hilary Craven's face when I
present this show at the Imperial Theatre.
- Who wrote it?
- A fellow called Beamish.
I've never heard of him.
You might get me Ben Beamish
on the telephone, will you?
Gerard 2626, I want him
here at once.
- Good morning.
- Good heavens.
- Nice day.
- No.
Can I sell you my patent
delayed action fountain pen?
- Delayed action?
- Yes, delayed action.
Anything you write with it
disappears in a few moments.
That's handy, just
my handwriting.
Yes, definitely.
And absolute specific against
breach of promise actions.
- Ten shillings, please.
- I'll give you an IOU.
Oh, here's the pen.
And there's the pen.
IOU ten shillings.
- Thank you, I'll call again.
- Do.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Nice day.
Good heavens!
It works!
(Laughter)
I say, I say, what's
going on here?
I've got my receipt
for the first installment.
If we can't get the money out of
you, we'll get it out of your furniture
I'd love to dangle you
on my chain of office
Come on, out of my way.
Here, what is all this?
Bring those things back.
What's the big idea?
Pay these kids their cash
and you can have this stuff back.
Sam? Sam?
Where's my bodyguard?
- Shall I show him, Uncle Percy?
- Yeah, show him.
All right, Sam, don't
speak with your mouth full.
I know, something
terrible's happened.
He's made of us
a laughing stick.
Laughing stick? You
mean a goatscape?
- Idiota!
- Thanks very much.
After you, Claude.
No, after you, Cecil.
Ah, these gentlemen
will have something to say
Here, tell this guy he can't move
my furniture. It doesn't belong to me.
Well, now, the law says
What does the law say?
- After you, Claude.
- After you, Cecil.
Now let that be a lesson to you.
(Muffled)
I'll take it.
Hello?
Who?
Beamish?
Anyone here named Beamish?
No, there's nobody
here named Beamish.
Oh, wait a minute!
Beamish? Beamish?
Well, that's the man I
represent. Hello? Who is it?
C.B. Cato?
Here, hold that for
a minute, will you?
C.B. Cato, huh! Once
more he push our legs!
It is C.B. Cato! Here,
give me that phone, quick.
Hello? Yes?
Hello, old man.
Yes, I want to have a word
with you about your play.
You like it, C.B.?
You want to produce it, C.B.?
You'll pay me advance royalties, C.B.?
Right, I'll be over right away, C.B.
That was okay.
Is this on the level, Handley?
Are you really going to see Cato?
Those who don't believe me,
come and see for themselves.
- Okay, we will.
- All right.
I hope it is really Cato. I hope
it from the heart of my stomach.
Don't be so bellicose.
Hang around, Sam,
I'll see you later.
(muffled)
Now, in one moment, all
your doubts will be relieved.
And you can apologize
when I come out.
- Hey, just a minute.
- May I see 'em?
Ah, well, here I am, C.B.
You?
Acrobata!
Just practicing a little adagio
dance. I'll be out in a minute.
I bet he will.
Now listen, C.B., you
made a great mistake.
Yes, I did.
This time, you're
going out of the window.
Well, if I do, I'll take
my play with me.
And you'll get no Princess for
Tonight, or any other tonight.
Your play?
Did you really write
Princess for Tonight?
Well, I, uh...
Ah, now, don't be modest. I
know a genius when I meet one.
- Do you?
- My dear sir, I didn't realize.
You know, I thought you were
someone else Won't you sit down?
- Thank you very much, thank you.
- And have a cigar.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
This is my leading
lady, Miss Stella Ferris.
What a beautiful production.
May I ring up your curtain?
You know, I have
your contract all ready.
C.B. never allows the
grass to grow under his feet.
Neither do I, it
tickles my instep.
If Cato throws him out
again, I'll throw him back.
Advance on royalties, 200 pounds
- There you are.
- Thanks very much.
May I offer you my
congratulations, Mr Beamish?
Oh, I'm not Beamish,
I'm Tommy Handley.
Then why did you
say you wrote the play?
I didn't say I wrote the play.
I said I represent Beamish.
I'm his manager.
Well, I won't have any truck with
agents. The deal's off, now get out.
Oh, but just a minute. If I'd been
Beamish, you'd have given me the check.
That's who it's made out to.
Well, as a matter of fact
You are Beamish. There you
are C.B., I knew it all the time.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Oh, just a matter
of civic dignity.
- I had to use a Mal de Mer.
- A what?
Oh, well, I'll soon write
you another check. To, um...
Thomas Handley. Oh, yes.
Don't forget to dot the Y.
He must have killed him.
Cato's got him first.
Well, Tommy, I'm glad
everything is settled.
- Goodbye, Mr Handley.
- Goodbye.
- Together, we'll go very far.
- I hope we get back in time.
You must come down to
the theatre this afternoon.
Time is getting short
and we must start casting.
That's right, C.B., we
must have a good cast.
The best that money can buy.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
There is going to be a play, my
play, a Tommy Handley masterpiece.
I'm just going round to the
bank now to cash this check
for 200 pounds of
Barnes' royalties.
Come round with me and you can have the
paltry 8 pounds I'm supposed to owe you.
How would you like this money?
Quickly. Oh, I see what you mean.
Well, a few 20s, tenners, and fivers,
and the rest in
ha'pennies for tips.
Yes, but you haven't endorsed
the check, Mr Handley.
Oh, yes, I have, old boy.
I... oh, yes, I see. Oh, well,
perhaps I'd better use your pen.
Yes.
I'll attend to Mr Handley.
Right, sir.
Lovely day we're having today.
I'm just drawing out a
little money for pontoon
I mean the petty cash.
Ah, yes.
200 pounds.
- On the school account, I believe.
- That's right.
Thank you, Mr Handley.
Very thoughtful of you.
Just about cover the
school's overdraft with us.
Oh, oh
But you can't take all that money, Mr
Ramsbottom, it doesn't belong to me.
It's got your name on it,
that's good enough for us.
Oh, I see.
Well, uh
Ah, thank you very, very
much, Mr Ramsbottom. Yes.
It'll be quite safe
in this pocket.
- Good morning.
- Nice day.
On second thoughts, I'm going
to give you all another chance.
I won't insist on paying
back your paltry eight pounds.
Well, don't be late for the class
in the morning. Ta-ta for now.
Just a moment.
Since you've kept the students on, I
take it that they'll all be in the show.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- You will say that.
In writing, on the
bottom of these contracts.
You put your signify
on the spotted line.
Well, just what are
these contracts?
Giving them all principal
parts in your new play.
Sign those contracts now, or I'm
going to start invasion exercises.
Oh, I...
Yes, all right, I'll sign them.
- Only too delighted.
- Here's a pen.
No, thank you, I have
my own fountain pen.
A very fresh one.
It works beautifully.
Thank you, will you give your name
to that chap sitting over there?
No, Sam, this is the way.
Three more, that's eight and six.
Thank you very much.
You might try the
dancers over there.
Lumme!
Who is it, Funf?
Worse than that: Uncle
Percy and his gang.
Buddy, I tell you,
he won't have any
Here, outside! Get back
the lot of you, what the
Mr Cato.
What's the meaning of this, George?
Why'd you let these people in?
Because I couldn't
keep them out, sir.
Well, what do you want?
Parts in this show for
these boys and girls.
Ridiculous, the
show's already cast.
I'll say it is.
These kids have all got
contracts, signed by Handley.
What? Well, we'll
soon see about that.
Handley!
Handley!
What the devil do you
mean by wasting my time?
There are no signatures
on these contracts.
Huh?
But we saw Handley sign them.
He's got it on us.
He must have used
the incredible ink.
Nothing at all.
Nothing at all!
I'll fix Handley for this.
Well, now get out of
my theatre, all of you.
Go on, get out.
I want to play Hamlet in my bed.
See these people off
the premises, will you?
Aha, that's got rid of them.
Come on, Sam, back to work.
Lumme, the jackpot!
Hot diggity!
I'm fed up with this. Writing, writing
all the time, and not a drop to drink.
And where is that advance
payment you were supposed to get?
I told you before, I'm
getting it tonight.
Tonight?
You've said that every
night for the past three weeks.
And now you've
got my dress suit.
Tonight, Cato's bringing
along his backers.
I've got to look
my best, haven't I?
And the better I look,
the more you'll get.
Look here. Princess For Tonight
is the best play I've ever written.
And I was a fool to let
you try and sell it for me.
Now get out of my
clothes, I'm getting out.
Now, Hilary, Hilary,
don't do anything rash.
If you leave here, your postal
address will be Dartmoor.
Now be a good boy, and
see what daddy's brought you.
Flash the bottle, Aristotle.
Ah!
If we're not back in a
week's time, don't wait up.
Princess For Tonight is the most
elaborate premiere since the war began.
And looking around, I can see this
foyer absolutely thronged with celebrities.
And now coming in through the dooryes,
it isthe world's greatest playwright.
What a pleasure to see you here.
Mr Shaw, good evening sir.
Would you care to say a few words?
I rarely attend first nights,
except of course, my own.
They're really the
only ones worth seeing.
Though I have been told
this one is exceptionally bad.
But you are going
to see it, Mr Shaw?
Not bloody likely.
- Are you Shaw?
- I'm certain.
Well, I'm not.
Ah ha, still trying to fool
me with your phony faces.
It's my nerves, I tell
you, it's my nerves.
It's his nerves.
And now I want to introduce to you, a
very famous man to say a few words.
A man whose genius has done
so much for the British theatre.
Thank you very much.
Hello folks, this is his
worship the mayor, speaking.
Now some children are born
with silver spoons in their mouths.
I was born with a
fountain pen in my fist.
The idea of this play came to me
when I was having a blow on the front.
I wrote it with a hairpin
on a piece of fried bread.
And now here's the facts doth right...
Excuse me, my man,
I'm due round the back.
Mr Handley, Mr Handley,
I've got something here for you.
Pump the bailiff, Sam.
Dear me, dear me.
Pray, applause for
his worship, the mayor!
Sam, Sam, I've got a stiff neck.
Hey boss, you've caught your
chain in a chunk of chandelabra.
Chank you Sam,
that's beyond a choke.
You buy pretty program,
very wicked, very warm?
But this is for another play.
Much better, very
harem, very scarum.
Too daddum, too baddum.
You no buy program?
No, I've got a
touch of the tapioca.
Pity.
Here, here, can
I see your ticket?
No ticket, only
program, you buy.
Come on, outside, come on.
All right.
I go.
But you come back?
No, no come back.
Pity.
Beware, Mr Mayor, your
show will be a floparoo.
You have been warned,
Funf has spoken.
Ow.
I've cut his connection, Sam
This time I'll get him,
boss, I'll mow him down.
Can I do you now, sir?
Well, dust my dicky
with a dishcloth.
Mrs Mopp, have you been
charring at Buckingham Palace?
Oh, I've brought
this for you, sir.
Oh, isn't that nice?
I made it out of me own head, sir
I hope you've taken
the hairpins out.
It should have been eel pie,
but I couldn't catch the eel.
You having any, Sam?
No, boss, but I got
the salt and pepper.
Oh good, thanks very much.
There, there.
What did you stuff
this with, salvage?
That's just a
horseshoe for luck, sir.
- Ta-ta for now.
- Youse takes a bow.
Ah well, Sam, perhaps this
horseshoe will bring me luck.
Boss, boss, something to
Don't make a noise
like a motorboat.
All right, I'll come quietly.
Why, Counselor Fennel.
You're as welcome as
a gumball on the glottis.
You come to see my
show, of course.
We have.
Oh, well, lucky you.
Well, how are things going at
Foaming-At-The-Mouth? All right, eh?
I bet they're
missing their mayor.
Well, this time you
won't be missed.
The superintendent has
a warrant for your arrest,
and if the show is
not a success, which
The balloonI mean,
the curtain's just going up.
So make yourself at
Here we are backstage, and
speaking from the wings,
I can tell you the curtain's just gone
up on the Budapest nightclub scene.
Just for tonight,
My soul will sing with rapture,
One song of bliss
Will echo through the night.
Just for tonight,
My longing heart will capture
Love's thrilling kiss
That from our stars takes flight.
Will he be handsome and charming,
Eyes with love light agleam?
Tender, but rather alarming,
As he seemed in my dream?
Just for tonight
My music,
my words,
my wife!
You're listening to
Princess for Tonight,
written and composed
by Thomas Handley,
a newly discovered
genius of the theatre.
The rat, the
double-crossing crook!
Oh, rats.
Just for tonight,
My soul will sing with rapture,
One song of bliss
Will echo through the night.
Just for tonight,
My longing heart will capture
Love's thrilling kiss
That from our stars take flight.
Now I've taught you all I
know about unarmed combat.
Go to it.
It's a cinch. We'll
give them the works.
This is my big chance.
Them students,
they got me scared.
Why ain't they done
something after that trick
you did to them with
the fountain pen?
Oh, probably some strange
power I have over them.
- Mr Henry
- Hello, Kitty, you're late.
Come and sit close to me, I
may want to dictate a letter to you.
Mr Henry, something
terrible has happened.
Hey, you're swiping my line.
Your students were all on the
stage of the Olympian theatre,
and now they've disappeared.
They must have been drinking
the ink out of my fountain pen.
I'll bet they're out to do you some
dirty tricks, boss. They're out to get you.
Nonsense, I'll have them
eating out of my hands.
Oh, gee, boss, eating!
What the
Aah, you killer! Lemme go!
May we have your
autograph, please?
Why, certainly.
What do you think you're doing?
Good morning, nice day.
Good morning, I'll call again.
I always find the world okay
in hail or snow or rain.
Go home and tell your mother
she should keep you on a chain.
Good morning, nice day.
Good morning, I'll call again.
Very good, wasn't he?
Even if it was a bit awkward
for Miss BlandishI mean Ferris.
How did that mug
get on the stage?
What the devil's going on here?
Where is everyone?
What's the meaning of this?
Get up, are you all drunk?
Ah, now, now the
show really begins.
The big undressing number.
My own idea, Sam.
Remind me to open a cafe.
Striptease, sixpence, washrooms ninepence.
Don't be common, Sam.
Kitty, you must
understudy this number.
We'll start rehearsals tomorrow.
Gosh!
You swindler, come
outside and be murdered.
Run, boss!
Run, boss!
Run, boss!
Boss, something
terrible is gonna happen!
Let me out, did you
hear? I've got to go on!
Oh, so very long ago, you kissed me.
But no, not now.
So I used to make believe
that you missed me,
- But no, not now.
- Not now.
- There, a tender flame was burning
- There, a tender flame was burning
- Now, my foolish heart is learning
- Now, my foolish heart is learning
- Love was like a fragrant rose
- Love was like a fragrant rose
- That you don't like
- That you don't like
But no, not now.
Stay, I bring this
fragrant rose-bud to you,
To seal my vow.
Sir, I'm very much obliged
And I too, you
No, no, not now.
Pardon mine and leave me never
Be my guiding star forever.
For no matter where you go
I follow you
But no, not now.
My princess!
No, no, Rudolph. We
must leave at once.
What would His Majesty say if
he were to find you here?
You must go now.
I wish to have a lay down.
After you, Claude.
No. After you, Cecil.
Get out from under that
lamp shade, Handley.
This is Funf speaking.
I present a dramatic
monologue written and composed
by myself, entitled, "Hats
Off to Winston Churchill".
In history's pages, there's many a hero,
from Julius J. Caesar to Emperor Nero.
There's Queen Boudicea,
and Mary Queen of Scot
So, hats off to Churchill,
the best of the lot.
There's Rob Roy of Scotland...
- It's our turn to go!
- No, it's mine!
- Well, what about me?
- What about me?
(all shouting)
Shut up, shut up.
Daisy goes on next.
It was Alfred the King,
whose cakes got too hot.
So, hats off to Churchill, the
best of the lot, and then the hey!
Pardon mine and leave me never
We hoisted dear Old Glory,
besides a grand old Union Jack.
The Yanks are over here,
so give a hearty cheer.
The Doughboy and the Jack-Tar
will be there when they was here.
They'll write a gallant story,
until they all come marching back.
Well we've hoisted dear Old Glory,
besides a grand old Union Jack.
Hey you guys stopped my performance.
I'll shoot you down in flames.
Ladies and gentlemen, my
show has been sabotaged.
For the first time in my life, I have
disappointed my friends, the public.
If you will apply at the
box office on your way out,
you can reserve your
seats for the new first night.
I sell you pretty postal card.
Much bigger, much better.
No, go away, not
now, old man, not now.
In all my experience...
When? Tomorrow?
No, not even tomorrow.
Pity.
Now, ladies and gentlemen.
Ah, Mr Handley.
Mr Mayor.
Handley! Here, Handley!
Handley! Handley!
Ah, Mr Handley.
Pardon. It's a fair cop.
I'll take the summons.
Summons?
On behalf of my syndicate,
I am empowered to offer you
five thousand pounds
for your Olympian theatre.
What?
Come out of there,
Hamley. Come on.
All right. It's a deal. Come on.
Sign it. Come
on, sign it. Sign it.
- Just a moment.
- Oh, I've got a pen, here.
Thank you, Mr Snodgrass.
It's been a pleasure,
Mr Handley.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
- Arrest him, superintendent.
Just a minute. I have here a
check for five thousand pounds.
Five?
And never let it be said
that the fair name of Handley
has fouled the filthy name
of Foaming-At-The-Mouth.
Thank you.
Well, I must say you
surprise me, Your Worship.
I'm afraid we misjudged you.
You're... Why, it's just a blank.
Blimey. My delayed action pen.
I love ballets, pally.
Very graceful, Cecil.
Now let me do you.
Goody goody.
Oh, I say!
Ooh! Thunder, lightning!
Oh, well, after you, Cecil!
Handley! Handley!
After you, Claude.
No. After you, Cecil.
Missed him!
He gone?
He come back?
Don't forget the diver, sir.
Don't forget the diver.
I'm going down now, sir.
Ta-ta for now.