It's Tough to Be Famous (1932) Movie Script

[music continues]
[music continues]
[music ends]
[jazz music on radio]
'I mailed it yesterday.'
He'll never complain again
if my love isn't too sure.
[music stops]
- That's strange.
- Maybe the tube burned out.
Oh, that old thing is always
costing us..
(man on radio)
'Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,
We will have to go'
'off air immediately.'
Due to distress signals
from the Atlantic coast.
Please stand by.
[indistinct chattering]
15 miles northeast
of rock island. Alright.
The S 89. What's the name
of the excursion boat?
'The Pilgrim'
from Boston, alright.
Lt. Commander Blake and
Lt. Sanford knocked off
the super structure
and rescued. I got that.
How many men left
aboard the sub?
12 and 1 officer.
A fleet of destroyer's starting
to the rescue now. That's swell.
Joe, you stick at the Navy yard.
Let me have it as you get it.
Hey Harry, Dave.
Where are all you..
[siren wailing]
[engine's droning]
What do you
think chief?
How could anybody think with 80
feet of water on their brain?
And I had a date with
a swell broad tonight.
You better call and
tell her you'll be trifle late.
- Nuts, I broke.
- Oh-oh, there she goes.
(male #1)
Hey, what's the idea?
(male #2)
Nobody put a
quarter in the meter.
(male #3)
The next dance will be
a moonlight special.
[horn blows]
(male #4)
Equipment ready, sir.
[siren wailing]
Mr. McClenahan.
- What is it Stevens?
- Take a look at that, sir.
Just enough oxygen
to last half an hour.
This ain't
no picnic, sir.
No Stevens, this certainly
is no picnic.
[engine droning]
[siren wailing]
[continues droning]
Any of you men
who'd wanna try going out
through the torpedo tube.
Go ahead.
We're only in
about 80 feet of water
so... they're fighting
chances to make it.
I don't have
to tell you what the water
and sudden change
of pressure may do to you.
All I'd say is,
worth a try.
Anyway, it's better than staying
down here and choking to death.
Well, anybody wanna try it?
I'll try it, sir.
'Go for put a lung on.
Get number four tube ready.'
- I'm ready to take my chances.
- Me too.
- Good luck, kid.
- Thank you, sir.
Write us when
you get there.
Well, who's next?
[siren wailing]
[indistinct yelling]
[wailing continues]
So long kid,
don't wait for the stop signals.
Mr. McClenahan,
I'll have a hot cup of coffee
waiting for
you when you come up.
And you guys lay off
the-the compass alcohol.
It'll be safe now
that you're gone.
- Who's next after Vent?
- I'll try, sir.
- He should.
- Alright, get ready.
[indistinct yelling]
(male #5)
Easy there.
[engines droning]
(male #6)
Okay. Lower away.
Aye. Aye.
Come on.
Hurry up, put that
lung on, will you?
- Mr. McClenahan.
- Yeah?
After I go out, who's gonna
pull that lever for you?
It looks like I'm elected
to stay here, Steve.
Come on, hurry up will you?
Listen sir, this ain't right.
Now, wait a minute.
Stevens, I gave you an order.
Get into that torpedo tube.
Excuse me, sir.
But I ain't gonna do it.
What's the matter? Are you
afraid that change of pressure...
I ain't afraid of nothing.
But I ain't gonna let
you kill yourself, saving me.
I'm your commanding officer.
I ordered you...
Orders, discipline, all that
don't count for nothing now.
It's just plain common sense.
One of us has got
to stay here and die.
Now, you're
a fine young fellow.
With your whole life
ahead of you.
And I'm just an old guy that's
just as good as finished now.
It's my job to stay
with the ship.
You got a mother, haven't you?
And she loves you, don't she?
'What do you think... '
Are You gonna to get in
that torpedo tube?
'No Scotty, you are.'
My old carcass
ain't worth saving.
You got everything
in the world to live for.
You know, I'm right.
You know it.
Maybe so.
Gimme that lung.
[continues panting]
[clanging continues]
[continues panting]
[people cheering]
[blowing retreat]
Come on, kid.
Come on, rise and shine.
Get out of there.
What's the matter with you?
- What time is it?
- Time to get dressed.
Unless you want to meet
the Admiral in your pajamas.
I bet he wears a night shirt.
I couldn't say.
You'll have to ask his wife.
After I salute the Admiral,
can I go on back to bed?
'Fat chance.
You're a hero.'
- Didn't anyone tell you?
- Quit ridin' me, will you?
I'm still sick as a dog
from that oxygen pump.
That's tough kid. But they'll
never lay off of, of you now.
From now on,
you're America's sweetheart.
Here's your new rubber, Scotty.
- 'What is this?'
- Ship tailor whipped it
in a couple of hours
with your new insignia.
You knew you've been promoted,
didn't you?
Three Grades, that's all.
Just Three grades.
Commander McClenahan.
Came through officially
about an hour ago.
[blowing retreat]
Why should they wanna
promote me?
I resigned from
the navy a week ago.
Just waiting to hear if they
accepted my resignation or not.
All I know is
you got promoted.
You're a hero
and you belong to the ages.
Why all this ballyhoo about me?
I didn't do anything.
Divers had to haul me up.
They're the heroes.
I'd say listen kid,
what does the public know
about the technical job
of raising a submarine?
They're not interested in bow
hunt divers who eat with knives.
What they want is romance.
That's you.
- Oh, Blueberries.
- Sure, that's what they want.
You, an ex football hero.
Laying down his life
for his pals.
Trapped in a watery grave.
Raised from the dead.
Say, listen, you're every
mother's dream, kiddy.
Every school teacher's fallin'
asleep nights, thinkin'
of running her
hands through your hair.
Oh, will you pipe down
before my insides
start doing back flips instead
of just plain flat one's.
[knocking on door]
See who it is, will you?
For Commander McClenahan, sir.
- Some radiogram, Scotty.
- Radiogram? Ho-ho.
Come on, open him up for me,
will you? Read it.
- What's it say? Hurry up.
- You must be a big shot now.
Look at the flock
of these radiograms.
"Janet and I will meet you
at pier, so proud and happy."
"Dearest love, Mother."
Well, mom's are best.
She's spinning like a top.
That the Janet that came down to
Minneapolis to see you graduate.
I bet she's doing
some spinning too.
Go on, read some more.
What's the next one say?
Here's something tasty.
"I've just named my new born son
Scott McClenahan Goldfarm."
"Signed, Moses Goldfarm."
That's certainly
a big load off my mind.
Oh, boy.
Come on. What's the
next one say? Hurry up.
I'm hurrying,
I can't wait to see myself.
Old butter fingers.
"Can offer you 16 weeks in
Waterville at 3,000 a week."
Great leaping tuna, Scotty.
3000 a week?
- Why, you'll be a millionaire.
- What do you think I am?
- A trained seal?
- Aren't you going to accept it?
Say for $ 3,000 a week,
they could exhibit me naked
in Times Square.
3,000 a week, that's
more money than I ever heard of.
Read the next one.
Read 'em and weep, boy.
"Make no statement
to press until I meet you"
"with detailed arrangement.
Joseph Craig Chapin."
What's that
supposed to mean?
Beats me, who's
Joseph Craig Chapin.
I don't know, he must be a big
boat to carry those three names.
I wonder if he's the guy
that owns Chapin's magazine.
Maybe it's a misprint
for Charlie Chaplin.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Captain Fisher's
compliments, sir.
The Admiral is
just coming aboard.
'Alright thanks.
I'll be right up.'
Boy, we've got
a knock on it now.
Scotty, you wanna hear
any more of these?
Oh, I won't have time to, kid.
We've got to step on it.
Hmm, look at this thing.
Uh, Scotty, before you go..
Wonder if you'd mind writing
your name on these pajamas.
Are you feeling alright?
Sure, I just thought that..
Oh, well don't do it then
if you don't want to.
Oh, I just assumed, but why
spoil a good pair of pajamas?
- Oh, forget it.
- Oh, wait a minute.
I'll do it.
Only I think
you're a bug house.
Now, where's the pen?
Here we are.
And, Scotty...
the date too.
Here you are.
Much obliged.
[knocking on door]
Come in, come in,
come in..
Sir, you're wanted
on deck immediately.
Alright, alright,
I'm coming.
Say, have you got
a handkerchief?
[ships honking]
Commander McClenahan.
Admiral Blaine,
Commander McClenahan.
- Commander McClenahan.
- Admiral.
Commander, it's my privilege
to extend to you
the sincere congratulations
of the Navy
for valorous conduct
at a time of extreme peril.
Thank you.
I..I wouldn't be here now,
if it weren't for the divers
and their wonderful work.
And I only did what anybody else
would have done in my place.
Got a handkerchief?
(male #1)
'All to the deck.'
Say, Commander..
Will you do your speech again
for the news video-cameraman?
The sound equipment
went wrong then.
We didn't get it.
It'll only take a second.
Admiral, will you step down.
We've got to do that speech.
Are you ready, boys?
Okay for sound.
Turn 'em over.
'Alright, Admiral.'
Commander, it is my privilege
to extend to you
the sincere congratulations
of the Navy
for your valorous conduct
at a time of extreme peril.
Thank you.
I-I wouldn't be here now,
if it weren't for the divers
and their wonderful work.
I-I only did what anyone else
would have done in my place.
'Scotty, Scotty look this way.
A nice big smile.'
'Right into the cameras now.'
'That's fine, thank you.'
Let's go, Commander.
Hey, wait a minute.
- Where're you taking me?
- Where the tug is waiting.
How's this for
giving me a chance
to get into a more
comfortable uniform?
It's okay with me, Scotty.
[indistinct chattering]
Gentlemen, Commander McClenahan.
- Congratulations, Commander.
- Delighted to meet you.
- Indeed a privilege.
- Honored.
You must have had quite
a sea sailin', Commander.
Well, not really.
[people cheering]
Have you any plans for
the future, Commander?
No, not exactly.
When they accept my resignation
from the Navy..
I suppose I'll be
looking for a job.
- You're resigning?
- Yes.
Are you doing it because you'll
feel free to make comments?
Perhaps you've got ideas about
submarines and safety devices.
No, I've nothing to say.
We just had a bad break.
Pool excursion boat
rammed into us.
What were your thoughts?
Did your life flash before you?
Are you expecting any
motion picture offers?
For Pete's sake, no.
You'll have to hurry,
we're almost ready to dock.
- Your mother'll be down there?
- I hope so.
Expecting anyone else?
Commander, we better go forward.
[people cheering]
[cheering continues]
Scotty! I'm his mother.
I'm so proud of you.
I don't know what to do.
Mom, mom, please calm down.
- Hello, Janet.
- Hello, Scott.
You poor boy,
isn't this awful?
I wish those divers
hadn't gotten down there.
Thanks, Scotty,
I got it.
Sorry, ladies.
Well, my boy, welcome.
Glad to see you.
- Take good care of him.
- Certainly.
- You got my message?
- I don't know.
- I'm Chapin.
- Well, what of it.
I transfer radiographs
aboard ships.
- Joseph Craig Chapin.
- Yeah, man with three names.
Yes. We have your program
all planned out.
It's a little bit crowded,
but it'll run like clockwork.
What program are you
talking about?
Will you do it again?
Cameras weren't set up.
The scene where you
greeted your mother.
- Will you go to hell?
- Come on, my boy.
- Get inside, get inside.
- Where you taking me?
leave that to us.
My boy, we've got to get going.
Move right along.
That's right.
- Who are you?
- I'm your manager.
I don't need a manager.
I need a handkerchief.
Scotty, please kiss
little Mary Jane.
Do something,
I don't understand.
I got a button
from Scotty.
[indistinct clamoring]
The people need to get
a better look at you.
Alright, let's go.
Come on, hurry up now.
[band music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[music continues]
'A man who joins the elustrous
ranks of great national heroes'
'along with Washington,
Lincoln and Lindberg.'
We have welcomed many heroes
to this great city
but none of them more
deserving of our praises
or stands closer
to our hearts
than this fine clean upstanding
young American..
Commander Scott McClenahan.
'Commander, shake hands
again please.'
'For the camera.'
- How you standing it?
- Pretty tired.
You look all in.
Can I do anything for you?
No, thanks.
Oh, unless you've got
a handkerchief.
[blowing nose]
[indistinct chattering]
Why do I've to sign
all of these?
'Cause they're replies to
letters people have written.
A lot of goofs writing to
someone they don't know.
If you're going to take that
attitude towards your public
- you'll soon regret it.
- Why should I regret it?
I told you I don't want
anything from them.
All I want's a job,
an engineering job.
Say, old man,
who hired you anyway?
- Why, Mr. Chapin, hired me.
- Certainly.
You don't expect me to take care
of your mail alone.
What I want and what I expect
don't amount to anything.
Strangers push and shove me
in and out of cars
and run my life for me.
Are you confident to take care
of your own business?
Well, I've done it and stayed
out of lunatic asylum so far.
Sutter, hand me
the evening papers.
I'll show you
how confident you are.
What happened when you
disregarded my advice
about talking to reporters
without first seeing me.
Ah, here we are.
"Hero of S89 accuses
excursion boat captain.
"His eyes alight with anger,
Commander McClenahan
lashed out in wrath against
the pool excursion boat..."
I never said anything like that.
That's terrible.
- Let me see that.
- There it is.
'Wait a minute,
here's another one.'
"No criticism, says Scotty
quitting Navy.
"Scotty denied he will bring
inefficiency charges
against Navy head."
They'll court-marshal me
for that.
- Let me see that.
- 'Look it over'.
"Mayor gives Scotty city's
freedom and clean handkerchief.
- "Modest young hero..."
- Oh, stop it!
I've had plenty.
That's a terrible thing
to do to a guy.
Well, do you need a manager
or do you want to do it alone?
I'm licked.
From now on I won't even take
a bath, unless you're there.
Oh, it's not that bad,
old boy.
But you do need
an experienced manager
to keep a celebrity in right,
with the press and the public.
How do you make your living?
Just managing freaks?
Oh, no,
that's a sideline.
I'm really in
the publishing business.
It gives me all kinds of
magazine and newspaper
and advertising connections
for the benefit of
the freaks I manage.
I'm beginning to catch on.
You and Sutter and I
are in business.
- Cash in on an accident.
- 'Accident?'
Sure. We're all trying to get
rich, 'cause I had the good luck
or the bad luck to do my duty
down that submarine.
Well, your analysis of the
situation is little bit crude.
But it's true.
Here's the draft of
Commander McClenahan's speech
- for the banquet tonight.
- Who wrote it? You?
Of course, he's going to write
all your speeches.
If Sutter wrote it,
let him make the speech.
- Scotty, for heaven's sake.
- Hey, listen here.
You can shove me in and out
of cars, tell me where to go
what I've to do, make me
pose for cameramen
but I won't read that
speech in public.
- 'What's wrong with it?'
- What's wrong with it?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
It's just tripe and gush.
Makes me shrivel up inside
just reading it to myself.
They'll throw chairs at me.
What do you think I am?
A sissy poet?
Engrave it on a valentine.
Do anything.
Don't ask me to say it.
Not Mrs. McClenahan's
little boy.
- Say, that speech is great.
- It is? Well, listen to this.
Just listen to it.
"I who have stood on
the brink of the grave
"and have felt
death's dark angel
"brush my cheek with her wing,
have gained by this experience
a finer and saner
perspective on life."
I won't say it, do you hear?
I won't say it.
"I who have stood on
the brink of the grave
"and felt death's dark angel..
"Brush my cheek
with her wings
"have-have gained
through this experience
a truer and finer
perspective on life."
That's a great speech,
[indistinct chattering]
Here's the pen,
my boy.
Commander, it's time
to please the ladies.
There you are.
Please autograph mine.
I want mine autographed
on both sides.
Dear Mr. McClenahan, won't you
autograph this song for me?
It'll make me so proud
and happy.
It's the sweetest song,
just published this afternoon.
Have you heard it,
Mr. McClenahan?
No, I haven't ma'am.
Would you excuse me, please?
Where're you going?
Just plain daffy,
unless I can get outta here.
Don't be an idiot.
You're the guest of honor.
- You can't walk out like this.
- I can't, huh?
Listen to this, I'm going
to tell you..
[instrumental music]
There's a brand new name
known to history and fame
It's our Scotty McClenahan
As he bravely fought..
Doesn't this make you
proud and happy?
You have no idea.
Commander, you sing the verse
and we'll all sing the chorus.
Well, I have a sore throat,
I couldn't really, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's too bad.
But it's thrilling.
It's thrilling.
That's a great idea.
Why don't you do it?
Will you stop?
Scotty boy,
your little sweetheart smiles
From Maine to California
Through Uncle Sammy's miles
Three cheers for
the red, white and blue
Oh, Scotty boy
America's pride
Scotty boy
- What're you going to do?
- I'll ring that canary's neck.
Oh, now, Scotty don't be silly.
That's wonderful.
Come on,
that's great.
[singing continues]
Scotty boy
Your mother's prayers
are answered, Scotty boy
Your little sweetheart
From Maine to California
Through Uncle Sammy's miles
Three cheers for
the red, white and blue
I can't stand this any longer.
I'm going.
Come on.
Where's your sense of humor?
Be a good fellow,
as a favor to me.
Come on and sit down.
That's a boy.
Come on, Scotty.
- Gee, she's a beauty.
- Best looking car in town.
Scotty didn't pay
a cent for it.
They gave it to him for writing
a letter telling how good it is.
- What's that do, Funny?
- Looks like a waffle iron.
- It's got everything on it.
- I wish he'd come out
but I suppose he's having
such a a good time in there.
- Have you run out of smokes?
- There's your plates.
- Can you just help yourselves.
- Don't mind me.
Mr. Edwards, didn't
you have a napkin?
- Why didn't you tell me?
- Napkins are for compliments.
Now, Scotty, you'll tell us
just what the President said
when you went
to Washington.
Charlie and I
saw it in a movie.
I mean, you lay the wreath on
the unknown soldiers' grave.
I didn't know
you were a writer.
We were sure surprised
when those articles you wrote
- started coming in the papers.
- A man named Sutter wrote them.
- But you got paid for it.
- Yeah.
Have you heard the wonderful
song they wrote about you.
It's called "Scotty Boy."
And it goes
something like this.
Scotty boy, America's pride
Scotty boy
Yes, Mrs. Simmick,
I-I've heard it.
Weren't you proud? We were
delighted when we heard it.
- We felt so happy over it.
- There you are, darling.
No, thanks, Moms.
I'm not hungry.
Not hungry? You hardly ate
any supper at all tonight.
- I'm getting worried about you.
- I'm alright, Moms. Really I'm.
He's tired and nervous.
I don't know what to do.
He hardly slept a wink
last night.
I've got a wonderful tonic
Dr. Dover prescribed for me
when I had sciatica.
'I heard him pitching
and tossing about'
'walking the floor
all night.'
Can't we play cards
or something?
I'm gonna fix a nice glass
of warm milk for you.
I don't want
any milk. Really.
Yes, it'll soothe you,
make you sleep tonight.
Yes, sir, that's just what you
need. A nice glass of warm milk.
Scotty, how does it feel
to be a hero?
- 'Heard you had an offer?'
- Yes.
My cousin Nelly knew a man whose
brother-in-law was on the stage.
It's so... wonderful.
[Scott snaps finger]
I wonder, if you'd excuse me,
I-I've to send a telegram to..
To Hoover.
He's going to wire
the President!
- Hello, Commander.
- Hello. Hi.
- Hello, Scotty.
- How are you?
Going to be in town
long, Scotty?
I guess so.
I don't know yet.
What're they gonna do
with that old sub?
- I don't know.
- How about a picture for me?
- One for me too.
- Just autograph it to Jones.
- Leslie Hills for me.
- And mine signed as Jack. Jack.
Hey, send one to
my sister too, will ya?
[car approaching]
'Hello, Janet.'
Hello, Scotty.
- Anything wrong?
- No.
It's just that party
at my house.
The neighbors
and their chatter.
Little more of it, and I'd
be foaming at the mouth.
Am I lucky I had to work
and couldn't come?
I'd ask you in, but I'm not
dolled up for company.
Ah, I'm not company.
I'm just a poor guy looking
for peace and quiet.
Well, come on in.
But just for a minute.
It's almost 12 o'clock
and this is a highly
respectable neighborhood.
- Oh, I've heard differently.
- Shh.
- Where's mother and father?
- Shh, upstairs, asleep.
Oh! Gosh, this is wonderful.
So sane and quiet.
Poor boy.
Remember, when we were
in high school how you used
to sneak here whenever you'd
a spat with your mother?
Yeah. Oh, Moms
is a grand person.
Only, she loves
me so much that..
Sometimes she can make
us both miserable.
Oh, she's sweet.
Remember, how excited she used
to get when you played football?
- Come on, over here.
- No.
- Why not?
- Oh, lots of reasons.
'Who don't you trust?'
Myself, maybe.
You can't forget the time
you came to Indianapolis
to see me graduate,
can you?
We're a couple of fools, Scotty.
We almost spoiled
a very wonderful friendship.
Hmm, I don't know.
Young man,
I'm a hardworking girl
who has to get up
early in the morning.
- You better go home.
- I'll go in a minute.
And this is the first time I've
really been contented in weeks.
Look out, you make
me feel maternal.
Go ahead.
When are you going back
to New York, dear?
Don't bother me,
I'm asleep.
[ambient music]
[music continues]
- Scotty.
- Hm?
- Scotty, will you wake up?
- Hm?
The greatest mother in the world
has a cramp in both legs.
- Have I been asleep?
- You ungrateful oaf!
- Were you asleep?
- Hm.
And here, I've suffered
tortures for over two hours.
So as not to wake you.
Oh, dear, that's terrible.
I'm ashamed of myself.
The only excuse is I haven't
slept a wink last two nights.
No, I understand, dear.
I'm just kidding.
But it's after three o'clock,
and you better shove off.
Oh, shucks, say I have.
You gotta get up in the morning
and I'm just...
Shh. If dad wakes up,
he'll have a fit.
And we'll have
a shotgun wedding.
[ambient music]
Get out of here, while
my family's still deluded
and thinking
I'm a nice girl.
Oh, revenge, huh?
[both laughing]
Commander, can I speak
to you a minute?
- Well..
- I'm from The Shadow.
- Oh, the tabloid, huh?
- Yeah, the tabloid.
All the news
that's unfit to print.
- Oh, you're up late, kid.
- So are you, Commander.
Say, what the..
What do you want here?
My paper'd like to be
the first to announce
your engagement
to Ms. Porter.
- Go ahead and announce it.
- Much obliged, Commander.
'Scott, come here.'
You had no right to say
we were engaged.
Darling, don't you see
we're in a bad jam?
It's my fault
to sleep like that.
After all, it's after
three o'clock in the morning.
And you were being chivalrous.
I don't thank you for that.
- I detest it!
- Honey, listen.
Suppose, it is
three o'clock or six
we were both
perfectly innocent.
I could simply tell
mother and dad the truth.
And if they don't
believe me, they needn't.
- You're not being reasonable.
- No?
I suppose I should rejoice
at this shotgun engagement.
Swallow my pride and be happy
that you bothered
to patronize me and
protect my reputation.
Well, I can take care of myself
without any help from you.
Janet, listen.
Darling, I'm not patronizing
or just being chivalrous.
You know I love you.
W-why didn't you say so?
Why didn't you ask me
to marry you
before you were
cornered into it.
Janet, please.
- Darling..
- Oh, don't.
Janet, please stop crying.
You know I love you.
I've loved you
ever since we were kids.
I've never asked you to marry me
in so many words, because..
I sort of took it for granted
that you knew how I felt.
I thought we both knew we were
going to be married and soon.
Why, I'd have felt
silly, sort of..
Sort of embarrassed makin'
a formal proposal because..
Well, I didn't think
there was any need of it.
If you'll have me.
I want to marry you
more than anything in the world.
[instrumental music]
[church bell ringing]
[music continues]
They say that if a tree
falls in a forest
and there's no one there to hear
it, it doesn't make any noise.
That's the way
I feel about you.
How do you mean, darling?
Well, I mean that
if you weren't here..
All this, all this
wouldn't exist.
Doesn't make much sense,
does it?
But it sounds awfully sweet.
- Scotty.
- Hmm?
Let's work at being married.
- Not just let it happen.
- Alright.
It's the nicest job
I've ever had.
No, I'm serious.
Honeymooning, playing
like this is easy enough.
But we're going home soon.
You're going to work.
We'll have our own apartment.
I hoped to tell you.
Well, I mean, being together
all the time now
is new and exciting.
But we'll soon be over
the first surprise.
I doubt it.
Oh, it's inevitable.
We're bound to get
used to each other.
Well, what of it, dear?
Well, that can be
just as beautiful as this.
If we're intelligent
about it.
If not
we'll be like the married people
that sit in restaurants
like lumps of lead with nothing
to say to each other.
Fair damsel, I swear
beyond the moon above
that I'll always
adore thee.
That I'll always have
plenty to say to thee.
That I'll never sit in a
restaurant like a lump of lead.
Now will you quit
worrying about us?
[Janet laughing]
You're a first class,
a number one nut.
- Well, stop that.
- No.
- Alright you wanna fight.
- Stop it, you..
[both laughing]
- Say..
- Never.
[laughing continues]
- I surrender.
- You do, huh?
Learned your lesson?
Will you tickle me again?
- No.
- Alright.
- Not until next time.
- Oh, is that so?
Stop it..
Ha ha. You'll double
cross me, will you?
Stop it!
Will you ever
double cross me again?
See, I'm a tough guy
to deal with.
- [indistinct]
- Certainly.
That's what
honeymoons are for.
I'll bet even Dr. Tuck's clock
thinks we're sinful.
[clock ticking]
- Isn't that cute?
- Yes.
Just like Dr. Tuck too.
Sort of quaint and kind
and New Englandish.
Exactly the kind of present a
sweet soul like him would give.
- Our first piece of furniture.
- Mm-hmm.
We'll have to furnish the rest
of our apartment around it.
[Scott laughing]
The nucleus of our home,
Dr. Cluck's tock.
[Janet laughing]
Dr. Cluck's tock.
Do you deny now
that you're daffy?
I never denied it.
But you do like me
a little bit, don't you?
Oh, 'bout a nickel's worth.
Is that all?
Don't rush a lady.
[soft music]
Oh, Scotty.
'Yes, darling.'
Don't forget to wind
Dr. Cluck's tock.
[car engine revving]
[revving continues]
[instrumental music]
Well, Scotty, uh, uh... did you
have a pleasant honeymoon?
It was, uh..
I guess so.
Well, now you're back, I suppose
you're anxious to go to work.
I guess I am.
What're your plans?
Well, I'm going to, um..
You said I can work
for your company.
That's right. The S.J. Boynton
Gyroscope Company.
Welcome home and welcome
into the firm.
[audience laughing]
Why din't you shake
hands with him?
Oh, uh, Mr. Boynton... thanks.
I feel like a horse's neck.
Let's get outta here.
But we haven't
seen the feature.
- Oh, come on.
- Don't be so self-conscious.
I don't care.
There's Scotty now.
[indistinct chattering]
'Come on in.'
Well, my boy,
how're you doing now?
'Swell. Only I have
nothing to do'.
I sit around all day in this
swell office... dandy office.
Title, secretary.
Nice salary, all the trimmings,
but... no work.
[Boynton laughing]
Don't you be impatient.
You've only been here a month.
We're giving you
a little time to get adjusted.
I'll never get adjusted sitting
around, trying to stay awake.
[Boynton laughing]
Nobody told you
to sit around here.
Our executives don't have
to keep office hours.
Run away and play. We'll
call you when we need you.
Listen, why did you hire me?
Why do you pay me 80,000 a year?
You're a very valuable
member of this organization.
I've got some big customers
for you to impress tomorrow.
Do me a favor
and go home, will you?
- No, I don't wanna...
- Come on, run along.
See you early tomorrow morning.
- Alright.
- Uh, about noon.
- So long.
- Fine.
Thank you very much,
Mrs. McClenahan.
Oh, not at all.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Hiya, commander.
- Hello.
- Good evening, sir.
- Hello.
- 'Hello, honey.'
- Hello, Janet.
Who are those fellows?
What sort of a day did
my captain of industry have?
Yeah, you didn't
answer my question.
What were those
photographers doing here?
Oh, oh.
Papa's got a grouch.
Come on. I've got just
the medicine for you.
Good, I'll need it.
This root punch
is stupendous.
I've put everything in it
but my bath salts.
- Toodle-do!
- Hey, hey.
Are you sure you didn't
put the bath salts in here?
[Janet laughing]
[clicking tongue]
Homelife of
the tired businessman.
- Isn't this scrumptious?
- Mmm.
- You know?
- Huh?
I have a sudden urge
to be kissed.
I've to take that up
with the board of directors.
[mimicking Janet]
[phone ringing]
Now what pest?
Ada'll get rid of 'em.
[ringing continues]
I'll see if he's in.
Mr. Chapin callin'.
The Brazilian fliers reach
Roosevelt field at nine tonight
and you've gotta go
out there and welcome them.
Why do I have to welcome them?
I know nothing about flying.
I couldn't even
find Brazil on the map.
Oh, I can't help that, old man.
Well, this is a big thing!
You'd insult many influential
people by not showing up.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
I never get to see you anymore.
Can't they let you alone
for just one evening?
Alright, I'll pick you up
at about eight thirty.
- Oh, isn't that a shame.
- Stinkin' operation.
It's worse than slavery.
It comes in night and day
letters, telegrams, reporters.
Can't even call
your soul your own.
Banquets for this,
luncheons for that.
Receptions for
something else.
I wish to Pete
I had never..
Welcome Brazilian fliers.
Stand out there
on an ice-cold field
grinning like a Cheshire cat
while a lot of photographers..
Speaking of photographers,
you haven't yet told me
what these fellows
were doing here.
Well, they just came
to take some pictures.
I didn't think they
came to move the piano.
- Were they from a paper?
- Yes.
- Which one?
- The Express.
Dear, don't you think
you've had plenty?
Who'd they photograph,
you or Ada?
Your wit is brilliant, darling.
They came to take
some photographs.
- What are they?
- You think that's alright, huh?
Of course not, but I don't see
any reason to get all boiled up.
Well, I do.
It makes me mad to have my home
spread over the tabloids
for the edification and
amusement of many yaps.
Good grief, aren't we
to have any privacy?
What are we, human beings
or goldfish living in a bowl?
- Scotty, will you stop yelling?
- I'm not yelling!
What'd you let these
men in here for?
Because Mr. Chapin asked me to.
- That's no reason.
- The best reason in the world.
He's your manager and he
handles all your publicity.
Naturally, when he
called up and said...
What the..
- Why didn't you ask me?
- Certainly because, because I..
Janet, will you please
be reasonable?
I didn't mean
to bawl you out.
[rattling doorknob]
Janet? Janet, honey,
open the door.
Darling, please open the door.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
I didn't do anything,
but I apologize.
I want to speak to Mr. Chapin.
Hello, Chapin?
Listen here, you can take your
Brazilian fliers and you know
what you can do with them.
I'm staying home tonight.
Yeah, I'll tell you why,
you big lug.
'Cause you almost
broke up my home
and I'm staying here
to patch it up, see.
Oh, gee!
[doorbell buzzing]
Don't answer it, honey.
[buzzing continues]
[buzzing continues]
- Do you love me?
- You know I do.
[buzzing continues]
Shall I answer that bell?
- Oh, what y'all want here?
- Is Mr. McClenahan at home?
I don't think
he lives here no more.
I'm a reporter.
I know he don't
live here no more.
- I'll take care of him, Ada.
- Pushin' into houses like that.
He just ain't got no manners.
- I'm from The Star, commander.
- Oh, is that so?
My paper wants your views
about the Brazilian fliers.
Oh, it does, eh?
Well, look,
you tell your paper
that I don't know or care
anything about Brazil.
You see, I got sick once
eating Brazil nuts.
And since then I can't stand
anything that comes from Brazil.
Are you joking?
No, no. I'm walking a tight rope
on roller skates.
But you're gonna
welcome the fliers
at Roosevelt field tonight,
aren't you?
Oh, sure, of course.
I'm dressing my grandmother up
in pink tights
and taking her
along with me... piggyback.
But I gotta get a story
for my paper..
[door bangs shut]
This is really serious.
Of course, I've already
wired apologies
to the Brazilian ambassador,
the Brazilian fliers
the state department,
the mayor and the governor.
Signed with Scott's name.
Look, don't you think this is
all a tempest in a teapot?
Oh, Scotty, please.
What if I did get
a little cockeyed
and excited and make some insane
remarks to some reporters.
What possible harm
can there be in...
The Brazilian Navy,
merchant ships, aeroplanes
all use gyroscopes.
'Either they buy them
from my firm now'
'or they're
potential customers.'
Gee, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
Your, your pathetic
attempt at humor
is liable to cost this firm
500,000 dollars.
'It means a loss of our... '
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, S.J. I've got it.
We can undo this thing. Sav
everybody that he's offended.
'And win back all the goodwill
that he's lost.'
The Brazilian fliers
land tonight in Los Angeles
for a big banquet.
Scotty hops into a plane,
attends the banquet.
'Makes a flowery speech
about, uh, brotherly love.'
'And the importance
of aviation.'
And his great esteem for Brazil.
- And all that sort of muck.
- 'Great! Marvelous!'
Now, of course, Sutter
will go along with him.
And he'll write him
a speech of welcome
that'll have them crying
into their coffee.
Joe, you're a genius.
Well, yes and no.
Come on, kid.
Toss some duds into a suitcase
and let's get started.
- We've gotta move.
- Why do I have to do...
Honey, be a good boy.
Do what they say.
- Won't you, please.
- Well, alright.
Hurry up. Make it snappy.
We've only got a few minutes
to catch that plane.
[indistinct chattering]
We've only got a few minutes.
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll
help you. Now let me see here.
Oh, ties. Take plenty of ties.
That's a nice red one.
Now let's see about the shirts.
That's... oh, there's... no..
You should always have many
shirts 'cause you never know
when you'll be
invited someplace...
There's not many things
I can do for myself
but this is gonna be
one of them.
- Make it snappy, will you?
- Yes, I will.
Stupid, idiotic,
wild goose chases...
- Honey, where are your pajamas?
- Oh, I'll get 'em.
- There aren't any socks either.
- 'I'll get those too.'
'There they are.
Brazilian fliers!'
Fly to California for a banquet.
I'll tell them I'll take their
job and there's nothing they...
Honey, what about the studs
for your dress shirts?
For Pete's sake!
I'll get 'em.
Come on, Scotty.
Hurry up, will you?
'We're all ready.'
Good. Let's get down
to your car.
If we miss that plane
we're sunk.
[indistinct chattering]
Now let me carry your bag.
- The bag.
- It's alright.
- Write to me every day.
- You bet.
If we miss that plane
we're sunk.
- Alright!
- How long is he gone?
A week at the most.
Hurry up.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Come on!
- Goodbye, honey.
Be sure to gargle if you
start to get a sore throat.
Phone me at the office
this afternoon.
- Very important.
- Yeah.
Goodbye, Scotty.
'What's the matter, honey?
Somebody dead?'
Mr. McClenahan
gets home this morning.
In time for breakfast.
Make corn muffin,
crisp bacon and scrambled egg.
And make the coffee the way
he likes it. Nice and strong.
And, Ada..
Use the new dishes
and the new yellow tablecloth.
'Hustle along, Ada.'
I never saw a woman so excited
just 'cause her own husband's
coming home.
[indistinct chattering]
Hey, give me the biggest and
the best box of candy you got.
- Five dollars.
- Thank you.
- Hello, Scotty.
- Hello.
[cash register dinging]
(male #1)
'Hello, Scotty.'
[chattering continues]
You got a Chapin's magazine?
[cash register dinging]
You got change coming, sir.
You think I'm silly to be
so in love with my husband?
Well, Miss Janet, my sister
was crazy about her husband.
He's a Pullman porter.
And she found out
that he had another wife
and family in St. Louis.
Well, I guess
I'll be alright.
I don't think Scott's
ever been to St. Louis.
[Ada laughing]
[paper rustling]
[doorknob rattling]
Gosh, honey,
I'm glad to see you.
What is it, darling?
Why did you write that,
that thing about me?
Why did I what?
That drooling, mushy,
slopping Chapin's magazine.
I won't be able
to show my face in public.
People will throw eggs at me
and I don't blame 'em.
Oh, gee, darling.
This is disgusting.
- I don't see how anyone can...
- Neither do I.
And you of all people.
Good grief, Janet,
can't I trust anybody?
Not even my own wife?
Scotty, I didn't write
this article.
Well, whose name is that
on it, Napoleon's?
Well, I'll tell you the truth.
I did give Chapin
a couple of pages
of, well, intimate details
about your likes and dislikes...
Well, what the..
Why did you do
a stupid thing like that?
Because he asked me to.
He said that an article
about you in his magazine
would help your career.
Does it help a man's career when
his wife makes an ass of him?
To have her name to an article
that pictures him as a moron?
Chapin promised me faithfully
that my name wouldn't appear
in connection with this.
Well, I mean that...
Oh, so you and Chapin have been
conniving behind my back.
No, Scotty.
You'd give him all the details
and not tell me till afterwards.
Is that it?
Well, isn't it?
Oh, listen, sweetheart.
[piano music]
I did it because I love you.
Because I honestly thought
it'd help your career.
- And Chapin was so...
- Chapin! Chapin! Chapin!
If he told you to poison me,
you'd do it, huh?
You don't care
what you say to me.
I gave you credit for having
a little common sense.
We can't all be
as brilliant as you.
Where are you going?
To see Chapin and knock the
living daylights out of him.
Scott! You're just fixing to get
yourself into a rotten mess.
Make a Roman holiday
for the newspapers.
- Leave me alone!
- Will you be sensible?
I don't care. This is something
he's not getting away with.
I don't give a hang
what you do.
I'm so sick and tired of this
rotten bickering and quarreling.
The only logical thing for me is
to go away and let you cool off.
- No, you won't.
- I'll go if I want to.
And have every newspaper
screaming that we busted up?
The way things are going around
here that isn't such a bad idea.
[door slams shut]
Mmm mm.
[indistinct chattering]
Alright, goodbye.
There's the man.
Hello, Scotty. How are you?
How do you do, sir?
Something for you, sir?
Yes, gimme a couple
of dozen roses. Something nice.
- How about those roses?
- That'll be fine.
Janet honey?
Ain't no use you standing there
yelling for her.
She's done packed and left.
- Are you kidding?
- Do I look like I'm kiddin'?
Where'd she go? What'd she say?
She done told me to tell you
she packed and left
so I done told you.
And if you want your breakfast
it's in the kitchen.
'Cause I'm leavin' too.
[slow-paced music]
[music continues]
[clock ticking]
[music continues]
But we've got to get
a hold of him right away.
I know. After he phoned you, he
never showed up at your place?
- No!
- Wait a minute.
Have you located
Mr. McClenahan yet?
No, I called several times.
No one answers.
Alright, keep on trying.
There you are.
Good morning, sir.
Welcome back to the office.
Mr. Boynton wants
to see you immediately.
Hello, Scotty!
Well, how is
the conquering hero?
I ought to punch you
right in the nose.
Gentlemen, gentlemen! This is
no time for personal animosity.
We're in a serious predicament.
- Well, what have I done now?
- Oh, nothing.
I mean, this
Ole Olafson business.
I suppose I ought to know
what you're talking about
but I don't.
Ole Olafson. The third mate
of the daily's Stram Steamer.
- Don't you read the papers?
- Only the sports section.
Ole Olafson jumped overboard
during a storm at sea
and rescued the ship's dog
from drowning.
The papers are playing it up
and his popularity is increasing
by leaps and bounds.
The dog angle
caught the public fancy.
Ole's boat docks this morning.
He'll be welcomed by the mayor
on the steps of the city hall.
And they're giving him
a triumphal parade
and all the trimmings.
Poor guy.
'Oh, no. Oh, no.
You're the poor guy.'
'That big dumb squarehead
has just pushed you off'
'of the front page.'
'And we've just heard that
the Atlas Gyroscope Company'
'one of our
most serious competitors'
is fixing to take Olafson
into the firm as Vice President.
My heart bleeds for him.
- Oh, Scott.
- Man, this is no joke.
Why, with his name
and his prestige
the Atlas Company's liable to
take away a lot of our business.
Now, Scotty, listen,
don't you realize
that Ole is the ideal
national hero?
He's big, handsome, dumb,
got a nice smile.
And he doesn't speak enough
English to antagonize anybody.
And there's the dog angle.
You didn't have that.
- I'll get a dog if you want...
- Oh, now wait a minute.
Your problem and our problem
is to get you on the front page.
Back in the public eye quick.
Scotty, you got to do
something so sensational
that the people will forget
all about Ole Olafson.
How about a good trunk murder?
'No, that's the wrong kind
of publicity.'
'S.J. and I have
got just the thing'
'if you'll stop wisecracking
and cooperate with us.'
You head a scientific expedition
up the Amazon river.
And we equip the submarine
with Boynton gyroscopes.
- Submarine?
- Well, naturally.
The thing that you're identified
with in the public fancy.
Why, of course. It's perfect.
Now, look, we can buy the S89
from the government for apples.
Make a few repairs, put you
in command of the expedition
and, boy, we've got the world's
greatest setup for publicity.
What do you think
of it, Scotty?
Well, words fail me.
But, Scotty, look..
[band music]
[music continues]
[indistinct shouting]
Well, what do you
think of that?
The big squarehead.
[music continues]
There, you see?
Now do you believe
it's serious?
If we don't act immediately,
Ole and the Atlas people
will push the ground
right out from under our feet.
Scotty, will you go
on this expedition?
Gentlemen, don't you see
how stupid it all is?
I'm not a scientist.
I don't know a flora
from a... from a fauna.
And what can you see
from a submarine?
Water. Just water.
We know that, but the chump
public won't stop to think
about anything, but the hero of
the S89 going down a mysterious
romantic South American river
in a submarine.
'Why, the moving picture rights
alone will be worth a fortune.'
- I have a better idea.
- 'What?'
I was an All-American end.
Why can't I play football
through the jungle?
Why, that's insane!
No more than your scientific
expedition on the S89
after you've got it all
patched up with spit and glue.
McClenahan, I don't like
your spirit at all.
You've done nothing,
but laugh at us
and kid every suggestion
that we make.
Alright, I'll stop kidding.
Here's a very serious remark.
I'm positive that the S89
is so badly damaged
that it can never
be made seaworthy again.
The first time it submerges
it'll stay there.
That your whole expedition
and every lunatic on it
will remain
at the bottom of the ocean.
- 'That's not true!'
- 'Ridiculous!'
Alright, gentlemen,
you asked me for my opinion.
I gave it.
[band music]
McClenahan? No more arguments.
Either you
head our expedition
or you leave
this firm immediately.
If you do, you and I
are all washed up.
That's swell!
You're gonna take your firm
and your stupid expedition
and your movie rights
and newspaper articles
and radio speeches and do
anything you please with them!
I felt for a long time
that I was underpaid.
- 'Underpaid? Why you... '
- Yes, yes, I know.
I get 80,000 dollars a year
from you.
Two years ago I was broke.
Then I had an accident.
I was hardly conscious
before you were around me
like a flock of buzzards
trying to cash in on it.
You've even taken
my wife away from me
with your filthy ballyhoo.
You've taken away every single
blessed thing I care about.
My privacy,
my self-respect, my life.
I've made faces.
I've made speeches.
I've shaken hands
and drooled into microphones.
Being a hero to me has just
meant wishing I was dead.
It's been a swell show,
We've had a long run
and collected a lot of dough.
But the show's over. Do you
understand that? It's over!
Finished! And I'm going home!
[door slams shut]
- You think you can swing it?
- Well, I'll bust a lung trying.
- Yes.
- What's he saying?
Are you positive
you'll do it for 100,000?
Alright, it's a deal.
S.J., the Boynton gyroscope
submarine expedition
to the Amazon will be headed
by Ole Olafson and his dog.
Joe, you're a genius.
[S.J. laughs]
Well, if you're set
on having a divorce
I can't stop you.
The trouble with our marriage
has been too much love
and not enough real friendship.
Oh, bunk.
The reason for our squabbles has
been all this stupid publicity
and hero-worship business.
I don't want a divorce.
Unless I'm convinced that
we can't make a go of marriage.
Scotty... will you try
something for a while?
Sure. What?
Try being pals again.
Like we were
before we got married.
I'll live with my folks
and you live with Moms.
We could see each other
whenever we like.
Only no lovemaking.
- You serious?
- Never more so in my life.
I've got to have time
to find out
if we really care
for each other.
Or if it's, well,
animal attraction.
Will you be a good sport
and... humor me?
I don't see any sense to it.
But I'm so goofy about you
I'll stand on my head
if it'll make you happy.
Is it a bond?
What a sap a guy is
to fall in love.
No winding Dr. Cluck's tock?
Not even a little bit?
No, darling.
Not for a while.
[peppy music]
Janet, you've got to
make up your mind.
I can't stand
anymore of this.
Either you are my wife
or you're not.
You promised to let me decide
that, didn't you, Scotty?
Thought you weren't gonna rush
me or force me into a decision.
I suppose it
flatters your vanity
to keep me dangling
like this, hmm?
Oh, let's go home.
- That's alright.
- Thank you, sir.
Like to play
some golf tomorrow?
No, thanks.
Mother and dad
are going out tomorrow night.
And I'll be all alone
for dinner.
Too bad.
How about coming over?
I don't think so, thanks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Gee, you can be mean. When you
really put your mind to it.
Would you rather not see me
for... a couple of days?
That's for you to decide.
And... of course,
I'm not gonna rush you
or force you into a decision.
[car door closing]
[engine revving]
(female #1)
'Is that you, Janet dear?'
'Did you have a good time?'
[crying continues]
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
[ringing continues]
Scotty, this is Janet.
Yes, darling... I mean, Janet.
It's such a lovely night.
I thought we-we might
drive home to New York.
I think tomorrow
would be a grand day to..
T-t-to wind Dr. Cluck's tock.
[train engine chugging]
[bell dinging]
[engine revving]
[engine sputtering]
[ringing continues]
[train whistle blowing]
- What's wrong with that idiot?
- Hope he knows what he's doing.
[train whistle blowing]
[engine sputtering]
[train engine chugging]
Why doesn't he go?
[chugging continues]
[engine revving]
[ringing continues]
[tires screeching]
You saved our lives!
We'll never forget
what you've done for us.
- You're a real hero.
- 'I should say so.'
Hide your face, honey.
We're getting out of here.
[engine revving]
[indistinct chattering]
Goodbye, buddy. We'll never
forget you for this.
(female #2)
'There goes a real hero.'
[instrumental music]