Ivan Tsarevich & the Grey Wolf (2011) Movie Script

Ivan Tsarevich
And The Grey Wolf
One, two... Can you hear me?
Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom...
Aw, come on, what are we? Little kids?
Everyone knows
we will be talking about
a kingdom far far away.
What else can I say?
It was a powerful kingdom!
Enlightened and cultured,
and pardon the expression,
It had sights and attractions
to the brim.
Oops! Not there, sorry!
That's it.
Cat! Cat!
No, keep looking at it.
Threw the old man a tuna.
But it got stuck in the tree.
What do you want from me?
I am on break.
I'm slipping.
What is this? Can't get a chance to relax.
Tell them not to stomp.
There was, of course, a king, in the realm
of the faraway kingdom. Well, he was wise, just
and all that stuff. And the king had a key.
A secret key. And of course, there was
something locked by that key
and nobody knew what it was.
And then there was the king's favorite.
He served under the king.
Yes, yes!
But if you think I am a simple wolf, you are deeply mistaken.
Yes, I am a wolf, but...
First of all, I...
First, I am a face the king trusts.
Well, not really a face, just a muzzle.
Yes, the muzzle of the King, trusted.
And secondly, I am, what's it called?
The Grey Cardinal.
And thirdly...
And most importantly, I'm...
Hey, Grey!
Who are you talking to?
Come march in the kitchen.
Time for lunch!
And this is our first minister, in the
sense not ours, but the king's, of course.
Hey! Do you lock your door during the day?
I don't either.
Oh, such a dark soul!
Glad to see you, your Darkness.
- Soon there will be a full moon.
- I know, but...
The key! I need the key from you.
- Allright. But I...
- How will you get it?
- I...
- You can marry Vasilisa!
- Marry?
- Yes. Doesn't the king want you to marry her?
I thought so. But not really.
Then you nudge him.
Once married -- the kingdom for you,
for me the key. Got it?
Hi, my daughter!
Hi, Dad.
- Many different books you have!
- Yes, Daddy.
- Red and blue, even green books.
- Yes, Daddy.
Oh, you are so smart.
Even graduated from what'cha call it?
- Oxford.
- Oh! And what other...
Yeah, yeah, and still studying!
You'll soon be smarter than everyone else.
And no groom will tolerate that.
How then will you marry?
I'm not going to marry. I'll make a career.
Get a third graduate degree,
and open my own business.
Business! Your business is
to bear children.
There is...
lunch will be served soon.
"Oh, my beautiful Isolde" - said the Tristan.
- "I offer you my hand and heart."
Take it, you fool!
King-Father, please allow me to
talk to you confidentially.
- Speak.
- You know how much I respect you.
As a statesman,
as a politician of the world.
As a human, above all.
But you are getting older, my reliable sire.
What if there is a sudden external threat?
Who will continue your work?
Who will continue your initiatives and
who will finish them?
What do you want? To borrow money?
Of course...
Oh no!
I'm saying, we need a person to take that power from you.
To whom you can transfer the key.
Yes, the key...
You think I need a successor?
Well, you King-Father, you said it.
Your words take an inch and give a mile.
So a successor. Where
is one going to come from?
- God didn't bless me with a son.
- But you have a daughter.
If you somehow used her properly...
- What are you babbling about?
- For example, if you get her to...
What if... to marry!
To marry!
Your head really works!
- And to whom?
- Well I do not know.
- To someone.
- What a thought!
To someone... We could
to my mind, do a sweep!
This, of course, is true.
Only that to someone - someone who?
I think that person should be
Not too young, not old.
Not very thin, and not fat either.
And it would be good if he
were on a government post.
Positions of responsibility!
So that, if something happens, he could lead!
Without delay.
Well, where do we find someone?
Well, how? If we look around?
Maybe, someone will be right nearby.
- There is nobody nearby besides you.
- Yes. Perhaps, so to speak...
Here, you see!
You do not know, and I do not know.
And anyway -- what threat?
There is no threat. And
I'm still quite capable.
So no worries. That's all.
Go, go.
- What happened?
- Talked to him about a successor.
Hinted, nudged, pressured...
- Score?
- No!
The old fool did not get it.
Said there is no threat.
Therefore, he says, he'll be in charge.
So he wants to continue to rule?
- Then we need to organize a threat.
- Yes. But how?
You frighten him.
This is a good idea.
And who would scare him?
Guess three times!
Frankly, it's restless in our kingdom.
But the kingdom through the mountains...
where the fence lines the road,
Peace and quiet!
Ivan lived there.
Although why "lived"?
- Still lives. Here he is, look.
- Who are you?
More than anything, Ivan
wanted to be a fireman!
Well, yes. First of all, it is stunning.
A copper helmet that shines in the sun.
Of course, in the firemen business He
liked most of all the word "Fognozzle".
Yes. Because it's one thing to put out a fire
from a hose, and another from a fognozzle.
Also Ivan loved to assign a
category of complexity to a fire.
I assign third category
to this fire.
No. The fifth.
Save me!
You can save a girl in a fire.
Or a pet...
But there was no fire in the kingdom,
because no one plays
with matches or smokes in bed.
But there was a king--emperor
who liked to have parades
and have them three times a day.
Why do you,
by God, act as a child?
- Go march and serve!
- I'd rather go extinguish fires.
- Who will serve?
- Who will extinguish?
- But who will serve?
- But who will extinguish?
And so it was every day. And the
king-emperor got really tired of this.
Then out of the kingdom!
I'm leaving.
And this is how Ivan got
into our Far Away Kingdom.
- You could say accidentally.
- Except I'm going in the morning.
Right, why go at night?
In the morning he will go there.
Who's there?
Let's face it:
The king had a bad night.
That's why Ivan did as promised
with the first cock hitting the road.
Perhaps it's for the better.
I have long wanted to see how
people live in other countries.
At least in the Kingdom of Far Far Away.
Wow, that's what the
world looks like.
I keep slipping.
For the fifth time today.
Young man, right or left?
- Meaning?
- Well, do you want a song, a story?
To see the future, or get your love back?
I can cast a spell, I can host
weddings, anniversaries...
- Thanks, no.
A souvenir matryoshki,
a hat, a time keeper?
You got a fognozzle?
Come back in a week.
Get me the first minister!
And get me the wolf!
Are you?
- Tell me!
- What is there to tell the king?
How's it going,
how you feel, how was your night!
It went okay.
Really? And in the morning you did not hear this
down the hall?
And then... creak!
- What about you?
- I slept.
Really? How about this from the stove?
And how about this from the stove?
I did not hear that, Father King.
And then also on the stove...
- How, how?
- Well?
Oh, no. I surely would know,
if I had heard it. I don't have a stove.
- What about you?
- Me? No!
I just thought, what if you
heard exactly that last night.
It would be very funny.
So, I thought tonight
over your proposal.
It was quiet, nothing hindered me,
especially that...
And I decided. You're right!
I'm getting old, I need a successor.
- Where shall we look for him?
- Oh... King-Father!
We are loyal to you.
We would do anything!
For example, if you said:
Marry Vasilisa!
What would I do? I would marry her!
I am a statesman, I must obey.
What does this have to do with being a statesman?
Eating state flan.
Grey, what do you say?
I would have called brave warriors, let
them compete, for example who can shoot farther.
Who can pole jump higher, and who can solve a riddle.
In short: ciltius, altius, fortius.
That is, an olympian.
A winner will marry Vasilisa.
Yes, you have a head on your shoulders.
While here with these ears.
- King-Father!
- What?
Anyway, I am going to Vasilisa.
Compile me a list of the best grooms from the neighboring kingdoms.
And you prepare the sports facilities by the 14th.
That's all. Free to go.
So this is your market?
Ours is completely different.
You sell more,
and we mainly buy.
- And what's that?
- Sauerkraut.
Well, it is.
But we do it differently.
You pickle the cabbage, and we cabbage the pickle.
What is this? A bucket? No,
our buckets work differently.
You pour the water inside,
and we pour outside.
To pour faster.
What if she does not want to listen to me?
- That is possible.
- What do you mean possible?
- Be careful with what you're saying.
Am I king or am I not the king?
- King
Here. If she starts to get stubborn,
I will force her to get married!
- That's right. Show the royal will.
- What's right? I pity the girl.
And I do not want to do it.
What if some Ivan Tsarevich comes,
starts walking around in his
underwear, giving orders.
- I'm going to try.
- Everything will be well.
What will be well? What
are you, a Russian radio? Take off the crown.
- What?
- Take off the crown, I say!
- So it will all be easygoing, laid back.
- King, don't start with the marriage.
- Start from afar.
- You're instructing me?
Thank God in I've been in politics
for over 200 years. Open.
He is afraid of his daughter. Not afraid
of anyone, but afraid of his daughter.
Ok. Daughter...
- What weather today, right?
- What?
Why do you immediately say: "What!" Nice weather today I said.
How beautifully your
cat plays Tchaikovsky.
- This is Schubert.
- Nobody asked!
You play Schubert, as if it
were Tchaikovsky. Even worse.
- By the way, why are you not at work?
- I have lunchtime.
Well then go to lunch.
Shoo, I say!
You, father, are trying in
vain, I will not get married.
What's with the "marriage"?
And anyway...
Why not?
You are too lazy to get married, or what?
Not that difficult.
Well, I mean, you know.
Here, look what grooms we picked for you. All are handsome!
Ok, this one does not count.
Look. This one's too old.
But this one is normal.
Well, almost normal.
- If I ever get married, it
will be only for love!
- What is love?!
- Why are you here?
- Me? What about you?
I was not here...
These are your sunflower seeds?
In our far-far-far-away kingdom, they are the
size of a fist. Eat one - and you're full.
That's the high striker you got.
We do it differently.
You strike it with your hands, and we
strike it with our feet.
- Tyrant!
- That's it, I have no strength left.
Here's my king's word! You are going to get
married to the first stranger that shows up!
- Lost. All is lost.
- Why lost?
- He said the first stranger. - So run faster, and be this first
Wow, how many of the same
you have, and we do not.
And here's the first stranger.
Lock him away, and guard him,
so he does not run away.
Grey, dart into the kitchen and
get the holiday table ready.
Lock yourself up and weep!
Bees, stop buzzing!
Grass, get green!
Nails, unpop!
Birds, do that... Sing!
A wedding, wedding, wedding was full of song and dance.
And it was carried away on wings.
The wedding was so vast it needed more space.
It needed more sky and more land.
The wedding was so vast it needed more space.
It needed more sky and more land!
How is that? Enough or do you need more?
- A little more.
- More of what?
A little more or everything.
Where am I?
Who am I?
Um, okay. "Who am I" -
that's a bit too far.
I am myself, Ivan.
But where am I?
And it's not complicated -- I'm here.
Ugh, all's fine.
Stop! And where is "here"?
A slight concussion. I assign
this concussion a third degree.
No, a fifth.
I got a little too excited.
Gave my daughter away to who knows whom.
And the main thing - I don't even know why.
The wolf brought me his resume.
Not a hero, not a prince,
and he owns no property.
- So deny him, King-Father. - I can not, I gave the king's word.
- Come on, tell him that um...
- It was a mixup.
What? What? Oh, it got mixed up.
What got mixed up?
- What got mixed up? - The mind.
- Oh, your mind got mixed up. - In fact, I did get mixed up.
- How about me instead? - What should I say?
- You changed your mind.
Changed my mind.
No, it is not so simple to take back
the king's word. I need an excuse.
- Oh, how about a test!
- Oh, attest! - What about attest?
- What does it have to attest?
- Idiot.
He must pass a test.
Idiot. He must pass a test.
Who's an idiot?
- Who is an idiot?
- You.
- You.
- What?
Tell him that long ago, before
marrying the royal daughter,
the groom had to pass a test.
To go somewhere and to
bring something back.
- Well, go where and bring what?
- I do not know.
Correct. He should go I
know not where and fetch
I know not what.
- Wow. That's cleverly devised.
- Who was that?
- Where?
- The one who was just talking.
- Him? It was you.
- What are you talking about?
- How could it be me?
I have a beard and wear a crown.
And that was all dark and flat.
It's was just a distortion.
I am getting old.
But the idea is good. And we'll give
him three days to do it all.
He won't have time, he won't bring anything.
It's locked.
Well, the door is good, and solid.
Oh, this one is unlocked.
But this is not a solution, because
it's only an entrance. What to do?
- Hey, why are you crying?
- I'm getting married.
- Then why are you crying?
- I am being forced to get married.
- I see.
- This is bad.
This is tyranny.
Well... for sure.
- And getting married to whom?
- To the first stranger.
Nightmare! A living person to the first stranger.
- Well, who is it?
- I have not even seen him.
Maybe some uneducated fool.
And ugly!
Most likely.
The first strangers - they are something.
- And whence did he come?
- He just fell.
Right at the feet of my father.
Great, he could not stand on his own feet?
No, he fell down from somewhere.
Flew, flew and fell.
And that's your fiance?
Flew, flew and fell...
I also flew and...
Flying, you say?
And where this uneducated fool fell,
was there an old man standing
wearing a crown, and a scary doggie?
- There was.
- This one that fell, was he
tall, stout, and
handsome, like a fireman?
I looked through the crack, but... What makes
you think I would even want to look at him?
And why don't you want to get
married, maybe he isn't that bad?
Because one should get married only for love.
So it is written in all the books.
For love? What does that mean?
It is the most wonderful
feeling in the world.
This is when the heart beats fast and strong.
And you get hot, and then you get cold.
- And breathing is irregular...
- So that's a flu or a cold.
No, you want to sing
and dance all the time!
That sounds like complete nonsense.
Shut up, you're a...
- Who are you?
- Don't you see.
Don't know how to tell you,
but I am that first stranger.
You are? I hate you!
- I hate you!
- Why "hate"?
- I myself do not really want to marry.
- If you have nothing to do with this, who does?
Really? You don't want to?
Maybe I also want to have your,
this, a flu with a cold.
Honestly? You know what then?
Let us vow that we will never
get married to one another.
- That is easy.
- Really?
- Of course. I swear. You to?
- I also swear.
Well, that's that. Better than
being hated or an uneducated fool.
- What's your name?
- Vasilisa.
And mine's Ivan. Good night.
- Wolf!
- Stay like that.
What can I say, Ivan.
Out your luck.
- How do you know my name?
- I know everything about you,
even what you do not know about yourself.
- Like what?
- You know, like what suit you'll be wearing today.
I know what you will eat and
where you will sleep. Should we do cuffs?
- No... I do not know.
- Okay, we won't.
Lucky you, man. Getting married
to the king's daughter.
Waist 58.
The girl has character.
Mostly positive, of course.
And an attractive appearance.
And most importantly from a good family!
Can I speak with you alone?
Here's the thing, I decided
I will not marry her.
Why so? What's going on.
I decided to marry only for love.
- For love. Have you ever loved?
- Not yet. But I've heard a lot about it.
So listen. I had love.
And what I get? Heartbroken.
- Do you need that?
- I just... I gave my word.
Note that if you agree
you become a prince.
If you refuse, the
king will cut your head.
I won't get married anyway.
In your place it would be better
to think about it. No head?
Let's say you are going somewhere.
You can not see where.
Suppose you get there.
Would you be happy with no head?
And how do you know anything?
And most importantly,
when you sit at the table,
how will you eat? What can you do?
Is it mandatory?
I actually wanted to wait for love.
But, if it is necessary...
- Good, good.
- Let me get married to someone else.
- I have given my word.
- When did you have the time?
- Well, take it back.
- I can not, it's my word of honor.
Pooh! It is difficult to work
with decent people!
The Bride: Princess Vasilisa!
- Well, at least you could look at her.
- Not going to, I said.
The Bridegroom: Ivan!
- Don't disgrace us in front of the
guests, So many people came.
- I said I am not going to.
Why are you so bummed out?
Why should I comply?
Worst case, you'll stay together
for two years and then divorce.
At least look at him. Doesn't
look that bad from afar.
I do not want to look
at him, don't want to.
- I... Ivan.
- Nice to meet you. Vasilisa.
Shall we dance?
Dear guests, we all want to drink
to the health of the young couple, but,
as the first minister just reminded
me, there is a rule of old.
Before marring the princess,
The groom must pass a test.
So to speak, to perform a
heroic act in the name of love.
Therefore I command Ivan to go fetch and
bring back to our courtyard I know not what.
I'll give a hint. For this you must go I know not where.
I will give him three days.
If he brings it - they get married.
If not - we will chop his head off.
So Ivan go search.
The rest please to the table. So it doesn't go to waste.
- King-Father, the guy will perish.
- Oh, well he will perish.
He'll wonder around for three days, then will
come back with nothing, and I will pardon him
to the four corners of the earth.
I don't need him anyway.
You gave your word that
he will marry Vasilisa.
I did. But the minister has come
up with how to take it back. Clever!
In short... Everything has changed.
You do not want to marry?
Go, just do not stick your nose around here anymore.
- You know, I can not. I think I fell in love.
- With whom did you fall in love?
- With Vasilisa.
- So, wait, how did you
ever figure that out?
How? My heart is pounding heavily, and
I feel cold, and then I feel hot.
- And my breathing is irregular, and...
- And what does that have to do with love?
- That's probably a flu or a cold.
- Hold on.
- I also want to sing and dance.
- This really proves nothing.
- No, I can not be without Vasilisa.
I'll go look for that I know not what.
Well, my daughter, you see
I figured it all out?
I understand, you fear that he
might find it and come back.
Do not be afraid, he will not come back.
And even if he comes back and brings
it, I would still cut his head off.
So, do not worry. I'm not going to
let you get married to him.
- Why is she crying?
- Maybe for joy?
There seems to be just too much joy.
Daughter, I don't understand,
I did what you wanted.
I love him! I want to marry him!
I'm sorry... Whom?
- This the one who is the first stranger?
- Yes.
So. Sorry. I have a meeting to attend!
So, as I recall, I told her
to choose from handsome hero princes.
- She flatly refused!
- Flatly.
Then I flew into a rage. I said,
get married to the first stranger!
- She was in tears.
- In tears, King-Father.
Then I, as a loving father,
and democratic enough king,
I sent him away, I do not know where.
- Well, it is clear where.
- Of course.
And hoping for at least
the minimum of gratitude
I go to her instead of 15 minutes
of feasting
and instead of "thank you"
I get this!
- Did I miss anything?
- Nothing, King-Father.
It's clear.
So, there! You are now going to get
married to the first strang...
Oh, we went there already. To the second strang...
What's the difference?
I am now going to lock you
up and you will sit...
What's the point? She already sits.
In short! You will you do
what I tell you to do!
What am I going to say? I'll think
of it tomorrow. Or the day after.
But after this nobody should dare do anything!
Ever! Got it?
That's it.
All of you got spoiled here!
Yes! A true leader.
One thing is certain.
That it is nowhere here.
- Why do you think so?
- Because I know everything here.
- And where is it then?
- Somewhere not here.
Where is "not here"?
It's always here.
Even that over there is the same as here,
when you get there.
Well, actually, there is one place.
But I am not telling you about it.
- Why not?
- Because educated people deny its existence.
And I'm well educated.
But, cats believe in it.
Then tell us like a cat.
- What are you doing?
- As a cat I just meow.
- And as an educated person?
- An educated person would not believe in it.
A vicious circle.
So, you, educated person, talk or I'll pull the cat's tail. Talk!
Well, I slipped again.
- Not at this branch!
- Talk, please.
There is one well. It has water but no one uses it.
Instead, everyone stays away from it.
They say if approached, you'll hear this!
It may be the wind.
In short, if you do not know where to go,
it can only be there!
- Because otherwise there isn't anywhere else.
- Thank you, Cat.
You know what? Tell Vasilisa...
Nah, do not tell her anything.
Here, for you.
You can use it to communicate with me.
Failed, everything failed, everything!
Stop your tantrum.
So "Operation Successor"
has failed?
Yes, I know what will happen.
He will not bring anything,
but he will not decapitated either.
Because she will soften the king, and he will still give her to him, because she loves him.
Clearly. We only have two days.
Go to plan "K".
- What is the plan "K"?
- The Key! Idiot.
We should just steal it.
Brilliant! But how?
Well, shall we go?
Wait. What if it's just a well?
You will get wet, and you will be cold.
- And God forbid, we'll drown.
- Stop, Grey.
- Wait! Are you sure that she loves you?
- I'm not.
I'll bring her I know not what, and let her decide.
- Yes, it is certainly not a cold.
- Why not?
A cold can be cured.
Okay, I am going.
I do not understand you...
Weird it is here.
- Do not cry, grandpa, do not cry, grandma.
- (Whispers) Cat!
- Sorry!
- Hurry, I'm at work.
Cat, I've got somewhere,
I do not know where. Will you look?
Come on, show me, but quickly.
- Cat, what's wrong?
- Are you trying to scare me?
- It was an accident. Where am I?
- I do not know.
- And I do not know.
- So maybe this is the
place I know not where?
Possible. Sorry, I'm at work.
My group did not disperse.
- Go right, and sing...
- Wait, where should I go?
- It's me, Wolf.
- I see that.
- Then why are you running away?
- I am running because of it!
- Wait, Wolf, it's you, isn't it?
- Duh.
- Why didn't you say so?
- I was telling you just that.
You should've said simply, "I am a wolf."
Instead of "wolf, wolf!"
- What are you doing here?
- Well I thought you... It is not important.
- Generally it's more fun together.
- So where do we go?
To see Koschei the Immortal,
Zmey Gorynych, Baba Yaga.
Yes, the choice is wide. And is there
"To the beach - 100 m" or "Cafe"?
Look, a squirrel!
Squirrel, hey squirrel, say, are
we now in I know not where?
Well, sort of.
- Where is it?
- It is here.
- Tell me, where do you have I know not what?
- No, that is not how it works.
You first have to do something good for me, say, save me from a villain.
- Maybe first you help us then we help you?
- Yeah, right.
- Maybe we'll get her with a snowball?
- Take your time!
- And from whom do we save you?
- You come up with something.
- Squirrel, turn around!
- Yeah, like I am just gonna turn around.
Did you get it?
Oh wait, it turns out that
you have saved me, right?
Well, sort of.
Then ask me what you want me to do... I'll do anything.
What do you want to know?
Is there an enchanted lake
here, which removes curses?
- Grey, what are you doing, why do we need the lake?
- Later.
There is. It comes to those who
are on their way back.
- Where do you have I know not what?
- That I do not know.
And anyway, you saved me once,
and I answered twice. Bye!
- Are you kidding?
- No, really, I do not know.
- I have an idea. Go to Baba Yaga.
- Right. So that she gobbles us up?
That could be, yes, but she has a
magic ball of yarn, which can show the way.
If you can procure it, you know. It knows everything.
- Wow!
- Yeah.
- What will we do? - We'll tell Yaga everything and ask for the ball.
Numskull, didn't you read fairy tales?
I've read the instructions on
a fire extinguisher. Why?
It is impossible to be
honest with her. So...
What do I see? What an incredibly
beautiful fairy tale inhabitant!
Wait, wait, do not say anything.
We will guess, what is your name. You are... Alyonushka!
- No.
- Sleeping Beauty?
No, that's stupid, then you'd be asleep.
Barbara the Beauty with the Long Braid?
But where's the braid?
Here it is!
No, it's not what I... Mary the Weaver?
- Well, a Mary anyway.
- Y-yes.
No, I am Baba Yaga.
- Well, go on.
- Baba Yaga? No, I do not believe you.
You are a Lady Yaga, well, at least, a Woman Yaga, but the grandmother?
- How old are you?
- Three hundred and fifty.
Stop teasing us.
Maximum of 170. At worst, 210.
- What are you saying!
- Unfortunately this will not last forever.
Well, another 100-200 years, and that's it.
You will not be in such terrific shape then.
What to do? You ask me.
Come on, ask me!
- What to do?
- Here's what!
Cosmetics "Forest Beauty" - and your
second youth will be like the first.
Natural product without preservatives.
- Want it?
- Yes, I want!
But I get my pension only in the morning.
Then I'll buy it all. In the morning, eh?
Meanwhile, you can stay here overnight.
No, we can not wait until tomorrow.
- Right?
- No, we can not.
Well, what then? What should we do?
Okay. So be it. We could trade with you.
- We will barter.
- Well, come on!
For what?
Do not offer anything improper!
Madam, how could you think that?
We will trade this wonderful
cosmetics set and a ticket to a
party for those who are over 300, for...
- For...?
- For...
- A magic ball of yarn.
- Ugh!
- Do we have a deal?
- It's a deal, my dear!
Learn from the best, groom.
What do we say? Ball, ball,
pave the way to that, which is I do not know what.
- What is it doing?
- It is not working.
That I know not what is
I know not where.
- Sorry, guys.
- That's unexpected. Now what do we do?
Let's go to Koschei then.
Can you get us to Koschei?
To Koschei I can.
He is the smartest here.
He can direct you.
Just be careful.
- Can you talk someone to death?
- How is that? With words?
- Yes, with words.
- Words?
We ourselves can talk him to death.
Go to Koschei!
- Wow. - Yes, service indeed.
We here, or not?
Come, come.
As you know, I love guests.
- Are those real?
- What do you mean, it's a design.
Some say it's gloomy,
but I like it.
Deadly, yet spirited.
I love history.
And to tell stories.
- What do you want to hear?
- We are actually...
Here I have gathered the most...
Here, listen!
It was a scary time.
Lawlessness, anarchy and chaos!
The giant captured Tom Thumb, and his brothers.
I remember Tom Thumb,
a charming boy.
Kind face, beautiful smile.
And the giant - an insanely bloody tyrant!
But there was in this tyranny a sinister beauty.
A harmony of opposites,
ice and fire, day and night!
- Hmm. Pardon us.
- What? You are not interested?
No, please, it is very interesting.
Do not have a more simple story?
Well, listen up. Here, perhaps. About a girl,
whose name was Little Red Riding Hood.
Little Red Riding Hood took a long
road, and the wolf took a short.
Right, I know this place.
There is also a third way.
Slightly longer than the shortest
and shorter than the long.
And if you take it from here,
at the end you turn right and if
from there, then to the left.
Just do not mix it up!
- Hold on!
And the wolf quickly ran to the grandmother.
Stop. Which grandmother is this?
Because that is another story altogether.
Why are you confusing me?
She had only one grandmother!
Everyone has at least two grandmothers.
In fairy tales sometimes seven, like gnomes.
- Or 12 like the months.
- Reaching 12 they must leave from the ball,
- otherwise the coach becomes a pumpkin!
- That's with one ball, but what about 7 or 8?
- Behind the eighth ball that's
a bad place in a pool game.
- Enough! I tell the stories here!
- So the wolf...
- Excuse me, this theme is close to my heart. Grey or white?
- Who?
- The wolf! You remember?
One grey, another white, two merry wolves.
Where they lived with grandma!
- Oh, they were geese, so sorry.
- What geese?
- That saved Rome.
- And if you read back to front, then the rats.
Do you know Koschei The Immortal backwards?
Latrommi Eht Iehcsok.
- Don't call me names!
- Baba Yaga backwards?
- I do not know!
- Agay Abab.
- Where is it, I do not know what?
- Zmey Gorynych has it. Stop now!
- And Zmey Gorynych backwards?
- Enough!
Hcynyrog Yemz. It's easy.
But what about Ali Baba and
the 40 thieves backwards?
- If you list them all?
- Help!
- Not help, but pleh.
- Guards!
That's it! Get out!
And you're no longer welcome.
They're alive...
- Well, now to Gorynych?
- Come, take us to Zmey.
- What is it?
- Leave me, I'll just show you where to go.
But I can not come.
It is very scary.
My family is nearby, in the weaving factory. My children.
Do you know how long I have not seen them?
I will still show the way.
- Okay, go.
- Thank you!
Stop! How to get to Gorynych?
Why did he go in that terrible realm. And alone!
- That's it, he was killed. Killed.
- Well, wait a minute. Why?
- Besides, he's not alone.
- Shut up traitor, murderer!
- Why did you send him there?
- Well I did not know it was that serious.
If something happens to him, I won't be able to live with myself.
Do not worry. I mean, everything will be fine, do not worry.
Where is he? What happened to him?
Here. We'll see now. After just
three seconds you will see your beloved.
In three seconds...
Wait, I'm not wearing makeup!
I have to go to the hairdresser.
After three hours contact me!
Stay put!
- Thief!
- What are you saying, Gorynych?
We, that is, I heard, you know
where to find it, I do not know what.
Are you crazy? You ask me, the embodiment of the World's Evil for something
and you think I'll give it to you?
- Why not?
- I am gonna...
Understand, some have such a fate:
All love them, sing songs for them,
give them gifts.
Although on the level of flowers and cards.
But there has to be
someone who is not loved.
Otherwise the balance between
good and evil will be disrupted.
- Yes?
- Yes.
I am that someone.
Yaga, Koshchei and me!
The Axis of Evil.
And you want something?
What have you come to ask for?
- That I know not what.
- Oh, you do not know what.
So now you get death.
Fierce, hot...
Stop! Stop, I tell you!
We will submit a complaint against you.
In Strasbourg Court.
For abuse of prisoners.
- Funny doggie.
- Why are you pretending?
- What am I pretending?
- You pretend to be evil but you are kind.
You need to think what you're saying.
I told you: Axis of Evil!
- You have kind eyes.
- I do?
Only you keep doing evil, but
you need to try to do good. You know how enjoyable that is?
- What good can I do?
- Let us go.
- But you will leave.
- Naturally.
- Well, what is there for me to enjoy?
- We'll a thank you.
- And you will see how enjoyable it is.
- Yes, nobody has thanked me.
Let's try. Anyway,
I can catch up and... Well go!
- So what now?
- Here's what. Thank you, Gorynych.
You really helped us. You
are so kind and positive.
- What did you say?
- Thank you, thank you for your kindness.
Wow, nice.
Can we do it one more time?
- Do What?
- Do a good deed, let you go.
- But you already let us go.
- Well, I can change my mind.
Come here! Got it?
- Yeah.
- That's right.
Now, look here. I let you go.
- Well, thank me.
- Thank you, Gorynych, we will remember
you with a good word for a long time.
- Oh, good, but you practice a bit more.
- Got you. And now I let you go.
- Thanks, I will never forget your kindness.
- Is this it?
Once you go away, and I decide I want
another to thank me. What will I do?
- Do some other good deed.
- I do not know any other deeds.
Give someone a gift, something to remember.
Something good, valuable, what you need
but don't mind giving to a good person.
Wait a minute.
- What if I gave him the poker? A useful item!
- But what will we pick our teeth with?
- Yes, I considered that.
- How about this:
The life that we could have taken away,
but didn't, that is a gift in itself.
- No, that is demagoguery!
- Maybe that thing, which is nothing.
- What?
- Nothing.
- Oh, that. This is doable.
- What is?
Possibly, if you mean that one.
- Yes that one.
- If you mean what I mean.
I give you this. What it is -
nobody knows, but it's certainly valuable.
Otherwise, why would my father give it to me,
and his father to him.
- And his to him.
- And before that - his to him!
This is what I know not what.
Well thank you, Gorynych,
for your kindness and generosity!
Well, that's good.
Ivan, Ivan...
- What do you have?
- Behold, the magic mirror.
- To talk to home.
- Ivan!
Hey, you! Who are you?
Funny goof.
How about you also gave me this thing
to scare goofs.
Before I would have taken it from you,
but I am better, so I am asking.
But I warn you, if you do not give it, I will take it away from you by force.
- Tear you into small pieces. - Grind you into powder. Scorch you on the spot.
- There. So you are going to give it?
- What was the last one?
He will give it to you.
Well, come on, come on. Why are you dawdling? Open it.
In a moment.
Instructions. That I know not what.
- Explain.
- It can be whatever you want.
Every object, phenomenon
or concept of your choice.
Or whatever you want it to do,
but only once.
Made by I know not whom.
Not recommended to be used
I do not know where.
Do not give to I know not whom
under 7 years of age.
I mean back.
I mean home.
What are you doing here?
- I am your dream, the King-Father.
- No. I get tired of you even during the day.
- Go, let the treasurer dream of you.
- Will do.
Pop quiz question: Boo!
Some dreams are weird.
Idiot! You have the key.
Here you are!
So what?
Is that it?
Put it on, quickly!
On me, you idiot!
Moonlight! We need moonlight.
Oh, you traitor!
How dare you!
Where is the lake?
Did she lie?
That squirrel...
- Ah, so you were asking about this lake?
- Yes, it's beautiful.
- Ivan!
- What is it?
I have a family legend.
In short - that we are not wolves.
Some evil magician cursed and bewitched our family.
And we were someone else.
People, of course.
And certainly not simple people.
Maybe princes. Or even kings.
Because otherwise why would I have this great outlook on life?
Such mindfulness, on a large scale.
And now, finally, I will
dive in this magic lake.
And the spells will fall
from me and my descendants.
Do not swim beyond the buoys.
Ivan, you are a gift from God!
This is the last time you will see me like this.
Now I will take on my real appearance.
Well, hello, Ivan!
Oh, what's wrong with my voice? Did I catch a cold while swimming?
Why are you staring like that?
Some gopher.
Where did the gopher come from?
Go back!
Please, please, please!
Why? Why...
You know who I am?
You will now.
Bring back the wolf!
Did you see that? Did you?
Wolfish nature will always win.
I exerted myself - and bang! I became a wolf again.
Without any witchcraft...
This is what... for what we?
Did you bring me back with this?
What did you do?
How could I leave you behind? Besides,
I would have brought this thing back
and we would have married.
But she doesn't love me.
So why bother?
There you are. I' ve been looking for you in the
entire forest. We have such a mess going on!
Got him!
Knights! Get ready!
Citizens of Far Away Kingdom!
From today on, all power
belongs to me!
- Another wanted to marry Vasilisa!
- What? And Vasilisa?
- She said she would rather die.
- And the king?
Oh, I'm slipping again.
Here he is, the king.
Along with that.
Help us, Ivan.
- Look what has happened.
- I understand perfectly.
- Forward! Attack!
- What kind of attack?
- And what are you gonna do? - First we need to think.
Vasilisa! Agree.
Reject even a shadow of doubt.
All the kingdoms of the world
will be at your feet.
Seems, it worked.
I offer you my hand and my heart.
Relax. We must figure out what this hat can do.
- Specifically, with examples.
- What examples do you need?
What can the hat do? Invisibility.
Sometimes I'd put it on and listen
to what people say about us.
Well, about our policies.
- A much needed asset for a country.
- I see.
So the hat of invisibility, once
on the shadow, turned if from a shadow into...
Well, into..., right?
- Yes.
- Now, everything is clear.
- You should take off his hat.
- But how?
I know how!
It's been three hours now and nobody has said thank you.
- What if we tear the horns off a deer?
- Why?
- They get stuck in branches and they are heavy on his head.
- No way.
- Maybe pull out a porcupine's spines?
They must be pricking him. No?
I'm telling you, Ivan knew a secret
and didn't tell us. We should have...
- The mirror is calling.
- Quiet! I am listening.
Understood. We're taking off.
Mate, got a light?
I just slipped.
Thank you, Gorynych,
you really rescued us.
Oh, no! The other way around!
Ivan, did you find that, I know not what?
- I found it.
- I knew it. And I believed in you.
- But I did not bring it.
- Why?
Well, you know, there was this wolf, and then this lake. And an owl.
I could not do otherwise.
Besides I swore, so anyway...
Excuse me, how much longer
is this dramatic scene?
- It's very painful.
- So, we can never be together?
It does not mean anything. I declare your oath to be void.
- I can't any longer.
- Hurry up with the marriage.
Cause that fellow is at his limit. Kiss!
I can't!
- Ivan!
- What?
- You are flying.
- I know.
I, by the way, am not entirely a wolf.
Our family was bewitched by an
evil sorceress, and I was a go...
- Kiss!
- Kiss!
- Kisses!
- To love, friends!
Damn, I slipped again.