Jackass Forever (2022) Movie Script

Did your brother say he was
joining us for lunch?
He said maybe.
- What is that?
- What?
- What is going on?
- Do you feel that?
I feel shaky.
A what?
Come in here.
MAN: All right. How's that smoke?
Good? All right.
Here we go.
Full tight on the monster. Rolling.
CHRIS PONTIUS: Is me being pulled in
only that much to the table, it's fine?
MAN 3: But the main thing is
we need to hide your body more.
Wee Man! Whoa!
Wee Man!
Fucking look!
Wee Man, right there!
There! Fire!
Fire this way!
JOHNNY: Fire! Shoot it!
Oh... settle down, big fella.
This is all just a big
We can work this out
like pals.
Settle! Settle! Set...
- JOHNNY: Oh, no! Oh, no!
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville!
Welcome to Jackass!
MAN: Hey. Steve-O, how does it
feel to be on set 20 years later?
Man, it's uh...
...it's pretty heavy, dude.
You think about how the last movie
had, like, the credits,
which showed us when we first
started and it was ten years later...
- MAN: Yeah.
- And now it's another ten years.
I gotta say, I look great,
MAN: You look 20 millions...
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
That's how my dogs
jumped up on the...
The big one lays down and the
little one gets on top there.
MAN: Lance.
Oh, my God!
Poopies! Poopies!
That was really uncool.
Do you feel the vibration?
- Wow!
- MAN: Oh, shit!
Hi, I'm Preston Lacy.
This is a human ramp.
That's Dave Gravette.
Come on, we gotta go.
Fuck, we gotta go.
Someone's being
a little dramatic.
PRESTON: Come on.
Oh, my God, we gotta go.
- MAN: Here he goes.
He's coming!
- MAN: Here, watch this.
- MAN 2: There he is.
MAN: Brace yourselves.
- Oh, my goodness!
Oh, God!
You all right?
You're not filming
my bald spot are you?
MAN: No, no, no.
- You all right?
God damn it,
is that why you put that camera...?
No more bald spot!
MAN: All right, here we go!
ALL: Oh!
Oh, my...
Oh, what happened?
Oh, man, fuck this.
I gotta just get up and walk this off.
ALL: Yeah!
You look like
the Kool-Aid man.
It's time to introduce Zach Holmes
and say goodbye to the human ramp.
Goodbye, human ramp!
Oh, fuck!
We're gonna fuckin' die!
MAN: Two, one...
- Oh!
- All right!
- Oh, my God.
Man falling.
Holy shit! Yes! Fuck yes!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, yes!
I'm so glad I put this...
- Oh!
MAN: That was awesome.
I don't think Preston's okay.
MAN: Oh, dude, my back.
That hurt so bad.
MAN: Oh, my God.
MAN: Well done, Preston.
All right,
my name's Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to the dum dum game.
Oh! I'm... I'm sorry, dude.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- I...
JOHNNY: My hand
hit the button!
MAN: Oh, my God!
- JOHNNY: Is that...
MAN: God!
MAN: Dick pain hurts.
All right,
let's play this game.
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
welcome to the dum dum game.
Our lucky contestants are going
to be answering trivia questions.
All these questions are on
a fourth-grade level.
If you get them right,
you're safe and in the clear,
- and if you get them wrong...
Oh, boy!
Last man standing
is the winner.
Okay, first question.
"Jenny has two plates
of 12 cookies.
Frank has four plates
of six cookies.
Who has more cookies?"
(LAUGHS) Jesus Christ!
I can't do math!
I'll remember that on my next
question, Poopies.
- I won't...
- Yeah, thanks, Johnny.
MAN: Dude!
Okay, Ehren!
Please spell the word
EHREN: "Dumbbell".
What is it?
Oh, God!
Sorry, that was wrong.
- MAN: Don't be a dumbbell!
Poopies. Who played the piano on Elton
John's album Madman Across the Water?
What's his name?
Elton John!
Oh, that is correct!
- That is correct, Poopies.
MAN: I didn't think
you were gonna get that one.
MAN: At last,
see, you're doin' good!
- MAN: Yes!
- MAN 2: Way to go!
Fuck, yeah.
JOHNNY: Wee Man, question:
"What family of instruments
does the piano belong to?"
It's a percussion instrument!
I was gonna say that!
JOHNNY: I'm sorry, Wee Man,
but you're out.
- WEE MAN: All right. Good for me.
- MAN: Some integrity on that.
JOHNNY: Poopies, if you get this next
question wrong Ehren, unfortunately, wins.
"If a square is five inches
tall and five inches wide,
what is the area?"
Ten inches direct... around.
I'm sorry, Poopies,
but that is wrong!
Ehren, I'm sorry,
I hit the wrong button.
But Poopies, that was wrong.
Fuck this shit.
I'm outta here! Fuck it!
- JOHNNY: Ehren! Ehren is the winner!
- Ehren won!
Ehren is the winner!
MAN: Oh, yes!
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that rang my bell!
I took a huge shit
in there too.
- MAN: Oh, my...
- Whoo!
So today we're gonna bring the
cast into this room two at a time
because they think I'm doing
a rattlesnake stunt.
But that's just a ruse to get them
in here so we can lock the door,
turn out the lights,
and make their life a living hell.
This is silence of the lambs.
Dave England,
Ehren McGhehey...
- We have Jules here. Are you excited?
- Jules, the snake guy.
- I'm out. See you guys.
- JOHNNY: Come on, Ehren!
You guys are just
peanut gallery for this.
He's got a western
diamondback rattlesnake.
He's going to release it
on the ground.
Pontius is gonna take a cookie
and set in on its head.
And then, I'm going to try and
take the cookie off its head.
This western diamondback
rattlesnake is very, very venomous.
He will bite you if you get too close
to him and he will kill you, or try to.
- I'm not kidding.
- MAN: Well, let's look at it.
- MAN 1: Oh, my God!
- Oh, shit!
MAN 1: Oh, my God.
Fuck this, man.
Can you feel my heart?
- Wow, dude!
- MAN: All right.
It's going as fast
as that rattlesnake.
- POOPIES: That's why I won't do this.
- I did your part.
I'm really scared for Johnny
right now.
MAN: All right. Let's put the snake
away and get these guys mic'd.
It's time to do this.
- Big ass snake.
MAN: Oh, I know.
All right, switch the bucket.
Let's get the snake
out of the room.
Is there an "antidope" here?
MAN: It's getting Knoxville
for me.
That's what it's called,
anti-venom, not "antidope".
What's "antidope" mean?
I don't even know.
- Johnny Knoxville.
- They're coming in right now.
All right. You guys ready?
What's "antidope"?
- That's like...
Oh, my fucking God!
- MAN: No!
- MAN: No!
- MAN: God damn!
- MAN: Oh, fuck you guys!
How... why are we the only ones
in here now?
DAVE: I don't know, dude.
- MAN: Doggone it!
- MAN: What?
- MAN: Shit!
- Hello, my name is Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to hell!
EHREN: Oh, fuck. Fucking
rattlesnake in here.
DAVE: Ehren, what are you doing?
Don't use me as a human shield!
So if we get bit we die.
- Are you serious?
This is so fucked up!
I knew this was going to fucking happen.
Why the fuck did we go down
to the basement?
Come on!
Knox, what the fuck? Come on.
Come on!
WEE MAN: What the fuck!
Dude, what the hell?
- What the fuck! No, stop!
- I knew this was going to happen!
Stop! Stop! Oh!
Fuck, you guys, dude!
MAN: P, where are you?
EHREN: I'm gonna break
that fucking door down.
MAN: Do it, Ehren.
Did they just...
EHREN: Fuck this shit!
Ah, fuck you guys!
Fuck it, get the fuck
outta here!
All right, now go for the
bucket and cue the snake sound.
Oh, shit!
- Oh, oh, shit.
- Oh, my God!
JOHNNY: It might...
Guys, stay on the couch.
The fuckin' snake.
Stay still.
- MAN: Oh, my fucking God.
- JOHNNY: Hey, guys, honestly, be fuckin' chill.
- Holy shit.
- This is not cool, seriously, get me the fuck out of here.
Oh, fuck off!
There's the snake, Dave.
Where are you, Ehren?
Ehren? Ehren?
What the fuck! Ehren!
EHREN: How am I supposed to
even help you, Dave?
DAVE: I just need to know
you're there.
- Fuck this!
- DAVE: Ehren!
Oh, I got a weapon now, motherfuckers.
I got a weapon.
- DAVE: Don't hit me, Ehren. Ehren!
- EHREN: No, I got a weapon!
- Don't hit me!
- You fuckin'...
Ehren, don't fuckin'
not answer me.
They're knifin' me.
Fuck, there's the door.
Dave over here!
- Dave, this way!
- DAVE: Yeah, right!
- Dave, this way!
- Fuck that door.
Fuck that. There's something
bad over there, probably!
EHREN: No, I promise!
you don't know shit!
EHREN: There's a door.
I just opened it. I swear to God!
Oh, wow, how convenient.
Come this way, I swear to God,
I'm not lying to you.
- DAVE: Fuck that door.
- You're on your own then, fucker!
Ahh, shit! Ahh!
DAVE: Ehren!
What the fuck is going on?
JOHNNY: I can't even...
I can't even fucking do it.
This is fucking scary.
Seriously, this is fucked up.
This is not cool, dude.
Fuck! What the fuck! His head!
- Oh, my God! Fuck! Oh, fuck.
- What?
- Did I just get bit?
- JOHNNY: Did you get bit?
Dude, I got bit by something!
What the fuck was that?
- JOHNNY: Fuck! Jeff! He got fuckin' bit!
- No way!
- Jeff, this is fuckin' unsafe.
- What the fuck, there's no lights!
Oh, my God, dude,
this is so fucked up.
You got snake bit.
We got to get you medical attention.
Here. come here.
We got to get him
to the fucking medic.
ZACH: I'm gonna have a
fuckin' heart attack, dude.
JOHNNY: Just, okay?
Just go straight.
- Okay?
- ZACH: Okay.
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Oh, I don't even know where my glasses are.
What the fuck!
Oh, great! Fucking awesome!
What the fuck is this?
Oh, holy shit!
- JOHNNY: Oh, my God!
- Ow! Fucking bitch!
MAN: Lights on. Lights on.
Come on.
Zach, you all right?
- Holy shit...
- ZACH: I cleared the fucking thing!
I heard Zach, it sounded like
he's getting murdered in here.
I thought this was like
the only way to get out.
So I just climbed over it.
And then, it broke.
JOHNNY: Let Ehren out.
Let me out.
- Can we go outside now?
- No, we're done, we're done. We're done.
- No, we're not.
- JOHNNY: God.
The rest of my life I'm gonna
have nightmares, dude.
I wanna go now.
Open that fuckin' door.
Go out that one.
This one is locked.
No, fuck you!
I'll start a new life in here.
- I will start...
I will fuckin' live here.
MAN: How does this look?
It's fuckin'... lubed up.
Are we sponsored by Glide?
MAN 2: No. Not yet.
MAN 1: Just say, "This is body
surfing", we don't need an intro.
- Do you guys agree?
- I wanna say my name.
- MAN 1: All right, say your name.
- This is Zach.
I'm Jasper. And this is
bodysurfing, motherfucker.
Fuck, fuck!
No, no, no!
No, Jasper, no, no!
No! No!
- MAN: Bye-bye, Jasper!
- MAN 2: Oh, shit, he's hauling ass!
- MAN 1: That was great.
- The rocks hurt.
I am Poopies.
Big time movie star.
And today,
we're big wave surfing.
- Oh, he got knocked off.
He has no arms.
- Dude, you have no arms?
- Shit.
Oh, that sucks.
And then came the
heartbreaking news
that horses don't have arms.
I am Eric Manaka,
and this is a horse race.
- MAN: Put your hat on and go, man.
- My eyes!
MAN 1: Oh, God.
Run, run.
MAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.
- MAN: This is perfect.
- MAN 1: Oh, God.
MAN 2: Oh! Eric, all back.
Is he okay?
He's not moving.
MAN: Well, he can't.
His arms are trapped.
That fucking hurt.
Two, one, go!
- We're going the wrong way.
We're going the wrong...
MAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
MAN 1: Oh, he's nuts!
- MAN 2: Oh, my God.
- MAN: Holy shit!
- MAN 2: Dude!
MAN: That's crazy.
ZACH: Oh, my God.
I'm not doing that again.
This guy's one
badass dude right here.
I love you, dude.
- That is sick.
- You showed us how to surf.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Dude, I don't look
that good, man.
- JASPER: Oh, shit.
MAN: All right,
take off the lid.
MAN 2: Tap that right
over the top of it.
Ow! One got me already!
Ah, ah!
Ow! Gosh damn!
Here comes the queen.
Oh, yeah.
Looking for her king.
Jesus Christ, dude.
This is fucking wild.
I was like, "Yeah, cool,
let's do this."
This little brown box
has the Queen Bee in it.
she's pretty important.
And that's going to attract the
other bees to the Queen, right?
- MAN: Yes.
- Oh, boy.
JOHNNY: There's a lot of
bees, Steve-O.
MAN: Just remember, don't pinch between
his balls and those bees, 'cause...
he'll feel it real quickly.
Dude, relax. Poopies relax, dog.
Relax, man.
Poopies just got stung.
Can we add all the bees
or is it better to go...
You gotta kinda gently
put 'em up.
Watch out. Move your
hands, Steve-O.
STEVE-O: Oh, shit.
Ah. Aaaah! Ooooh!
MAN 1: What? What?
God, my fucking dick got one.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
MAN: Put 'em right up there
on top of it.
JOHNNY: They're really
latching on now, Steve-O.
MAN: It's working,
it's working.
JOHNNY: It's going good,
Oh, boy, that...
they're really...
STEVE-O: Oh, goddamn it.
Give them a little bridge.
There you go,
find your mommy.
There's a lot of them right
in like the taint area.
JOHNNY: Your whole Zen
approach to staying calm
is really working, Steve-O.
That yoga's
really been helping.
- Ooh!
- MAN 2: Around the table.
MAN: It's gonna make you
look good, Steve-O.
MAN 2: Yeah,
it's adding length.
JOHNNY: It's kinda like
Mr. Snuffleupagus. Okay.
Ow! Ow!
Oooh. Oooh.
- Are you good, O?
- Ahhh!
It moves when you move.
MAN: It's wiggling.
It's wiggling.
- Wiggle!
- JOHNNY: The best thing to do is take off running, Steve-O.
- MAN: Lay down, Steve-O.
- JOHNNY: Just take off running.
Run, Steve-O. That's the only
way the bees won't sting you.
STEVE-O: I got a fucking ballsack
full of bee stingers, dude.
Yeah, I got a fucking
bunch of them.
- MAN: Oh, Jesus.
- Oh.
Hello, my name
is Irving Zisman,
and this is my
good-for-nothing granddaughter
and our not-so-handy
handyman, Zach.
Today we're gonna do a little
furniture shopping.
ZACH: Hey, do you guys think this
looks straight, or is it sorta,
- it's like if it was...
- I think you would have to...
if you would hang the top
left side,
I could tell if it's straight
or not 'cause...
ZACH: Oh, okay,
for sure.
Is everything on sale?
Right now, I'm just doing the pillows.
They're half price, but...
- JOHNNY: Oh, okay, thank you.
- But I'm sure everything might be on sale.
What is this over here?
Oh. This is pretty good.
A fella could have a pretty
good time on this.
Hey, can you hand me
the black tape over there?
- MAN 1: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
MAN: What the hell happened?
- ZACH: Are you okay?
JOHNNY: I went up high
as a moose's caboose.
Oh, my God.
- ZACH: Oh, my God.
- JOHNNY: Did you do that?
I am so sorry. It's literally my
second day on the job. I fell off.
JOHNNY: You tried to take
advantage of a defenseless old man?
Grandpa, are you okay?
JOHNNY: I was attacked.
He went higher than that roof.
He went all the way up in there.
- What?
- STORE CLERK: See this thing right here.
Your grandfather just sat on it and
laid back. This guy, he fell down,
and he knocked your
grandfather through the roof.
RACHEL: Jesus,
he does this shit all the time.
I am Rob Dyrdek, and this
is musical chair bags.
Incredible fine young men,
new talent, war dogs.
War dogs, new talent. One of them
is about to get blown sky high.
The rest are gonna get really
lucky and just sit comfortably.
Our DJ for the day is
Miss Rachel Wolfson.
- Wee Man's going to space.
- Ah, shit.
- Wow.
Man, Wee Man. I am sorry, man.
How many times
do we get to play?
- Oh, this is probably a one'r.
- Oh, it is.
ROB: I am loving
the energy, fellas.
- MAN: Keep it up, nice twirl.
- MAN 2: The happiness.
MAN: Oh, shit. Get in it.
JOHNNY: And let's keep going.
JOHNNY: Oh, find your chairs!
One more time!
JOHNNY: What happened
to the dance?
- MAN: Just do it already.
- Wee Man is not happy.
JOHNNY: He's not happy.
- Wee Man, come on!
- Put some spirit in it.
- WEE MAN: I'm spiriting it.
- MAN 2: Yeah.
MAN: Fuck it.
- Oh!
RACHEL: Oh, my God.
MAN: Holy fuck.
(LAUGHS) Oh, God.
- Oh, man.
- JOHNNY: What happened to you?
I believe he shot up
and into the hole.
JOHNNY: (LAUGHS) Wee Man flipped.
How did you go backwards?
We have our champion.
I landed on all that shit.
JOHNNY: Look at the safety
I thought we were supposed to have
pads on the tubes and the metal.
MAN: We forgot that detail.
Once upon a time,
lived a father and son
imprisoned on the
island of Crete.
Tired of life in the joint,
the father had the son gather up feathers
that were lying around the cell
and he made them both wings.
And they went off to escape
the island of Crete forever.
But there's that one thing they
left out of the ancient myth.
The cannon.
Hello, I am Johnny Knoxville and
this is the flight of Icarus.
And if you think we're wearing
underpants under these tunics,
you're sadly mistaken,
my friend.
Mmm, mmm.
A little something for ya?
They should just point it
straight up.
Either way it goes,
he's gonna land in this lake.
How big of an angle is
it gonna be?
STEVE-O: Oh, God,
they're going to make it bad.
- Oh, God, I can't take it!
- Shit, man.
- STEVE-O: Man, that's steep.
- MAN: Holy shit, Knox.
In ten, nine, eight,
seven, six, five, four,
three, two, one. Whooo!
MAN: Yes!
- I felt like I got a 200-pound colonic up my ass.
- MAN: Oh, my God.
You flew like an angel.
CHRIS: Unfortunately,
young Icarus got a little bit cocky,
and sure enough flew
too close to the sun.
And fell to his doom.
- MAN: That was rad, dude.
- MAN 2: There's blood on the elbows.
STEVE-O: Yeah, attaboy.
Good job, man.
Fucking right on, dude.
- MAN: Your legs okay?
- ERIC: Yeah.
Good job.
This is the quiet game.
The object of this game is to remain
completely silent. How was that?
Do we all understand the rules and
we're not gonna make any noise?
All right,
well, let's get started.
Rachel, your challenge in the quiet
game is to lick the electric lollipop.
Are you ready?
(LAUGHING) Whooooaaah!
Our first mime
did really well.
- Oh, yeah.
- Way to go.
WEE MAN: Yeah!
- MAN: Bar's been set. You'll be hard to beat.
- MAN 2: Damn!
For our next challenge,
our friend Jules here
is going to help Poopies
kiss this deadly viper.
What kind of snake is it?
It's a Texas Rat Snake.
JOHNNY: He's a feisty little bugger.
How you feeling, Poopies?
Is that venomous?
- Eh.
We ready?
- JULES: Go, go, go.
- JOHNNY: Go in for the kiss.
JULES: You have to get in
- Closer.
- Closer, closer.
JULES: Up and down,
up and down. Up and down.
JOHNNY: You know you don't...
You need to stay. Stay!
MAN: Give him a kiss.
- JULES: Move your head.
- JOHNNY: Closer.
- JULES: Move your head.
- JOHNNY: Closer.
MAN: Here it comes,
here it comes.
- JOHNNY: Oh, my God.
- One more.
Get another one,
get another one.
- MAN: Go again.
- We didn't get it.
Come on, Poopies,
you need to go again, dude.
MAN: Oh, my God.
- MAN: Work, work. You got this.
- JULES: You can do it.
Right there.
Touch his tail.
Do it, come on, man.
- Come on, man.
- MAN: Oh, my goodness.
MAN: A little kissy.
MAN 2: Here it goes.
- ALL: Oh!
JOHNNY: Oh, my goodness.
JOHNNY: Rachel and Poopies laying
down the gauntlet on Steve-O.
I gotta save you!
I am saving you.
JOHNNY: I gotta save Jeff.
Oh! Ow!
MAN: Oh, fuck.
I have one on me.
I couldn't get it out.
So, confidence
is very, very high
with our third contestant,
for the skateboard guillotine.
He's talking smack.
Some mime shit talking
over there.
MAN: All the way.
All the way?
- MAN: He's bold.
- MAN 2: Wow.
- JOHNNY: He's very cocky, this guy.
- MAN: Get your feet up.
JOHNNY: All right, on three!
STEVE-O: I forgot to
be fucking quiet, dude.
Well, we have our winners,
and we have Steve-O.
he's a real wild, crazy guy.
He's a gnarly superstar.
- Zackass.
(SINGSONG) There's nothing
he won't do. Zackass.
He'll jump in cactus for you.
CHRIS: (SINGSONG) While we all
stand and laugh. Go, go, Zach!
(SINGSONG) The Jackass guys are
getting old, we paid our dues,
so we're handing the torch
to you.
All right.
MAN: Man, that was good.
MAN: What are you going to be
doing today?
Hit somebody in the nuts.
Francis hits harder than any
heavyweight in the MMA. It's insane.
MAN: Does Ehren know this?
No, I told Ehren it was
a lightweight. (LAUGHING)
I didn't tell him it was a heavyweight.
Jeff and I forgot to mention that.
MAN: All right,
he's coming, guys.
That's not a fucking lightweight.
What are you guys talking about? What? No!
What's going on here?
You guys can't...
Almost 20 years ago today we
filmed the original cup test.
Hi, I am Johnny Knoxville,
and this is the cup test.
And now, 20 years later,
we're still doing the same stupid shit.
This is the cup test.
I love how you're just
smiling at him.
I just Googled the hardest
punch ever recorded.
STEVE-O: Francis
Ngannou's punch is
the equivalent of being hit
by a Ford Escort at top speed.
- His punch is the equivalent...
- Wait. You don't need to read that now.
STEVE-O: You're about to
be hit by a car, Ehren.
MAN: All right, fight fans.
- Did you hear something break?
- Yeah, I heard this crack. I thought it was the cup.
JOHNNY: Is that the hardest you've
ever hit someone in the ding ding?
FRANCIS: Oh, yeah. Because I've never
hit somebody in the ding ding on purpose.
MAN: Eric, what's about to
go down here?
Ehren's gonna get the world's
fastest softball pitcher.
She's gonna like,
pitch a softball at his balls.
We ain't a fucking bunch of NASA
scientists over here, you know what I mean?
This ain't a Mensa convention.
We're getting down and dirty!
I am Danger Ehren,
and this is the softball test.
Let's do it.
EHREN: Play ball!
She can't wait to hit him
in the dick.
ALL: Oh!
That was all thigh.
DANIELLE: Don't turn!
That would have hit him!
You turned into...
MAN: What, you can't quit
DANIELLE: That would have
hit him!
That would have hit you
in the ding-ding
and you would have been done
for the day.
It's a softball.
There's nothing soft
about this fucking ball,
it's just bigger.
MAN: She keeps hitting him
in the same exact spot.
- You're moving, dude!
- Why'd you move?
I don't know!
MAN: Don't hang brains out
of the side...
I'm not trying to,
but it keeps slipping around.
Well, you're wearing it
backwards, or upside-down.
I don't need physics
from you guys right now.
- Physics.
Fuck, yeah! Let's go!
Oh, God!
JOHNNY: Ehren!
What the fuck, dude!
No, no, no, time out!
Hey, Ehren, no joke,
you're fucked.
You're done.
I'm here with professional
hockey player P.K. Subban.
This is the hockey cup test.
- Yeah!
EHREN: Come on!
P.K. SUBBAN: That was about
85 miles per hour.
EHREN: Oh, shit, man.
That fucking knocked me out.
What the fuck, man.
That was insane.
P.K. SUBBAN: Now I'm gonna go
for your nuts.
EHREN: Oh, God.
Fuck you, Ehren!
We got him!
That a boy!
We got the "whambulance" coming for
you if you don't get to this next bit.
Hey, I'll tell you right now,
if the jokes continue
I will stand up
and walk away.
JOHNNY: He's going to
take his nuts and go home?
- MAN: Sneak up on it.
- Teasing. He's teasing.
MAN: Whoa!
MAN: Perfect!
- MAN 2: Oh, my goodness.
Oh, dude!
His nuts are bleeding.
We got blood.
Dude. I'm sorry, dude.
Fuck, this cup sucked.
This is the worst
cup of them all.
I'm starting to think
those cups don't work, dude.
MAN: That cup sucks.
MAN 2: Yeah, it slipped down and
pinned your nuts to the ground.
Oh, my God!
Fuck, dude.
MAN: Oh. Ooh!
- MAN 2: Lance?
How you doing, Lance?
Let me have your
camera, Lance.
Can I get another mask?
JOHNNY: Can Lance
get another mask?
You guys got any predictions who
we might get today with this?
I'm worried, like we've
been hitting the guys
pretty hard all week so...
their nerves are
pretty well shot.
If they do trust us
to go to the bathroom today,
they're pretty...
They're pretty less
intelligent than I thought.
We're gonna build
Cobra Kai Dojos
- all over this valley.
- Hell yeah, we are.
- MAN: I haven't seen it yet. I haven't seen...
- MAN 2: I'm gonna watch it.
Miyagi, Miyagi's Dojo...
Wee Man would totally
be a Cobra Kai.
MAN 1: He's not even
worried about it.
Cobra Kai rules.
MAN: Oh, yeah!
- Oh.
- MAN 2: Wow!
- JOHNNY: What happened?
- I don't know, dude.
- Oh, my God.
- I was trying to take a shit.
Even with an outbreak you're
still blowing people up.
As if life
is not hard enough.
To fart or not to fart.
That is the question.
Well, I hope to...
'cause we've been trying
to get this bit for 14 years,
trying to light
a fart underwater.
Since Jackass Number Two.
Get your fucking
ass up there.
Just let me do it, okay?
Oh, God.
I didn't mean to do that.
Who didn't see
that coming?
I'm very excited
because we are lighting
the first ever
fart underwater.
And Tory Belleci
is here today
to help us achieve our dream.
It's good to have dreams.
All right, so, somebody
is going to sit in the tank
and when they fart,
that glass dome is our
fart catcher, inside there,
we have a little
bit of oxygen and a spark.
And so hopefully,
once that methane gas
gets caught in there,
it will ignite,
and we'll get the underwater
exploding fart.
- Yo, Steve-O, are you ready?
- You ready to make history?
I'm ready to get in there
and just see what happens.
Oh, my goodness,
we're about to make history
with Steve-O.
Okay, make sure
his feet look good.
- Ready?
- STEVE-O: Yeah, I'm ready.
- It's in there, man.
- Remember to give us a countdown.
It's in there.
How was work today, honey?
STEVE-O: I know
I'm gonna get it.
Just relax.
ALL: Ooooh!
We got a fart!
Oh, that was a huge one.
- Wow. They're like ten, dude.
- They're perfect bombs.
There's not enough
methane in his fart.
The spark in that bowl
is going nonstop though,
so we just need to catch
enough farts.
ALL: Oooh!
TORY: The farts
aren't igniting.
- We need an open flame.
- STEVE-O: Yeah, bring it in.
This won't hurt a bit.
Come on, O.
MAN: There it goes. Catch it.
Yeah. Get it. Get it!
What was that?
Was that it? Was that it?
- Yes!
- Dude!
I'm not a fucking
scientist, man,
but that sounded pretty sweet.
How did that explode?
The spark in the fart
catcher exploded it.
STEVE-O: That fucking really
rocked my balls. That's for sure.
All right, Jaws, you ready?
- JAWS: Jesus Christ!
- I got you.
JAWS: What the fuck!
JOHNNY: Dude, I was like,
"Catch him."
- Wow.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Dude... Where were you?
- I'm just... I...
(LAUGHS) Where were you?
MAN: What's going on, Jasper?
So today we got my dad,
Dark Shark on set and honestly
- I don't think he's gonna like it.
- MAN: Why not?
So you know my dad,
ex-convict, ex-gang banger,
doesn't fear anything
except for like,
he kinda doesn't
like bugs or spiders,
cats, dogs, basically anything
that's not normal to the hood.
So we're gonna fuck
with him today
and it should be good.
All right, this is Dark Shark,
our newest star, Jasper's dad.
He's going to battle Ehren
in the spider helmet.
You look scareder than me
and this is your shit.
Shall we begin taping, fellas?
I'm gonna fuck you up, man.
You supposed to be having my back.
- JOHNNY: Not too tight.
- JASPER: I got you a job!
Don't do it. I'm telling you.
I'm gonna flip this chair over.
I got you a job!
If I flip the chair over,
that thing gonna bite me
- if I flip the chair over?
- No.
No, you gotta be careful
with the spider.
- Can't hurt the spider.
- I'm just worried about breathing, man.
I don't even like
handcuffs on me no more.
JASPER: Dude, I don't think
we gotta...
We're gonna leave the tape.
JASPER: You got it, dog.
JOHNNY: All right,
here we go, fellas.
- JASPER: How is that?
- DARK SHARK: Oh shit, hell, nah.
JOHNNY: Okay. Oh, and by the
way, the loser has to take
- the bite from the spider.
- Jules, can you bring in the spider?
- Love to.
You got it, Dark Shark.
You got it, man.
JULES: This one is
an absolute bastard.
Oh, hell, nah.
JOHNNY: All right. Let's go.
JULES: On the count of three.
One, two, three.
JOHNNY: Don't move,
Dark Shark.
Dark Shark, stay down.
Oh, shit!
JASPER: Chill, chill, chill!
You got it, chill!
It's not goin' touch you.
Ow! Ow!
Dark Shark,
why are you pulling on me?
I think he passed out.
MAN: Dark Shark,
you gotta let go!
- You gotta let go! Sit down. Calm down.
- There you go.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't hurt the spider.
JOHNNY: Dark Shark, if you let go
of me I will get the spider out.
- DARK SHARK: Who is that?
- JASPER: It's Johnny.
- There you go.
- We all day. Guess what?
JOHNNY: Okay, I'll get it.
I'm gonna pull him out.
- He's out, he's out, he's out.
- He's out!
All right, we have our winner.
- Dark Shark!
How the fuck
is he gonna be the winner?
- Oh, no.
- Get it off me.
How is he the winner?
Ehren has to take
a bite from the spider.
- I didn't do anything. Jesus.
- This man was brave.
- Brave? The spider went in his helmet!
- Great job, Dark Shark.
And I was like,
it was either my life or yours.
I was like, fuck your life.
I was like, man.
I'm tapped out, out here
and still I was like,
I feel like grabbing his ass.
(LAUGHS) The bastard.
JOHNNY: So where should
it bite him?
Just do it on my arm.
It's fine.
- Well...
- Have it crawl onto my arm.
- Nipples!
- I just won't do it.
Nipple. I like nipple.
Just give it, just do a boob.
All right. Fine.
Nipple, no.
Boob, sure.
gonna bite him for real?
- EHREN: Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah, your man titties are looking dope.
Oh, man.
MAN: Oh, my God.
Look at his fangs.
I don't wanna see the fangs.
JOHNNY: Make sure Ehren
sees the fangs.
EHREN: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a minute!
JOHNNY: No, you, no.
Ehren lay down.
- Wait a minute.
- Oh, look at the venom!
- JULES: I'll show you the venom while it's there.
- JASPER: Yeah.
JOHNNY: Oh, my God.
EHREN: Here, hold my hand,
Steve-O. Hold my hand.
- MAN: Hold my hand, Steve-O.
- WEE MAN: Hold his hand, Steve-O.
- STEVE-O: Pierce that nipple.
- JULES: One, two, three.
- MAN: Shit!
- Oh, shit!
- JOHNNY: Stay, stay.
STEVE-O: Did it go in or no?
- JULES: Oh, yeah.
- STEVE-O: Fuckin' went in.
JOHNNY: You went from a
triple A to a B on this side.
- MAN: Yeah, Ehren.
- Watch out, Ehren!
MAN: Oh, my God,
I thought it was the real thing.
EHREN: I'm done!
I'm done! I can't.
I'm outta here.
No more of this spider crap.
I'm out.
JOHNNY: Excuse me, ma'am?
I need to get my basket
closer to this pole.
Do you think
you can help me, ma'am?
- Sure.
- There's a red handle at the back of this truck.
It's more
of a pinky orange.
- This one?
- Yeah, just pull back on it just a little.
Wait, should I do reverse?
Yeah, do the reverse.
Yeah, no, no!
Oh, that was... Noooo!
Oh, why did you hit
the red one?
Ow! Ow!
- Help!
- Help me!
Hit the lever!
Hit the lever!
Hit the blue!
Hit the override!
I don't know
where the blue is?
Are you color blind?
- Please, help me!
- I'm trying to help you, sir!
Just do the override
like it says!
It doesn't say shit here!
Pop to the right, then slide!
Pop and slide!
You just got me electrocuted!
Oh, my ass!
- You forgot the slide.
- God, bless!
I don't want to touch anything
because I don't know...
You gotta touch something!
I gotta get down from here!
- Which one?
- Well, don't hit the ones you been hitting!
'Cause you've been
hitting the wrong ones!
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- JOHNNY: Well, clearly!
Did you see Dirty Dancing?
No. The old one,
you mean with the chair?
- The only one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's Flashdance.
Oh, Flashdance
is what I'm thinking.
Dirty Dancing with Jennifer
Grey and Patrick Swayze.
For the final dance
she runs at them.
She runs to Patrick Swayze
- and he catches her and he lifts her off the ground.
- Okay.
- Can you do that with Preston?
- I think I could do it with Preston.
MAN: Yeah, work it out a little bit.
I want more than just a big jump.
- Oh, my God. I just shit my pants.
- Shut up.
- You're joking, right?
- JOHNNY: Did you really?
I just shit my pants.
I just shit my fucking pants.
- MAN: He did. He really did.
- I just shit my pants.
I fucking shit my pants.
- Why did you?
- Oh, my God.
- Why did you shit your...
- I didn't mean to.
Oh, man.
you shit our pants.
The show must go on.
I don't see how that stops this.
- Let's go on.
- PRESTON: Ah, it's so gross.
- Ah, dude.
- It's so fucking gross.
- MAN: You're full of shit.
PRESTON: I should not have ate Indian
and Cuban food in the same day.
- JOHNNY: We might be losing Lance again.
MAN 2: Oh, my goodness.
WEE MAN: Oh, yuck.
JOHNNY: Oh, my God!
I'm a grown man.
I'm fucking 51 years old.
Lance, we need
a closer shot of it.
MAN: Oh! Oh, yuck.
CHRIS: Preston should have pooped
before he came to work today.
Fail to prepare.
Prepare to fail. Hmm.
Hello, my name's
Johnny Knoxville
and this is the marching band.
That happened so fast!
Damn, I got a hard head.
Oh, my God.
You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- CHRIS: Oh, my God. He's bleeding.
My hair line is receding.
Steve-O, are you okay?
You all right, Steve-O?
- MAN 1: Oh, dude.
- MAN 2: Yo, you okay?
Holy shit.
JOHNNY: Man, that happened
All that practicing,
right out the window.
I feel like I'm coming back to myself.
I can't remember nothing.
- I didn't wimp out, did I?
- MAN: No, you didn't.
You still got those million
dollar teeth, that's for sure.
They're dropping like flies.
I never know what to say
to Rick's camera.
I feel like, I'm just like,
ah ha, man, I'm on Jackass.
This is sick.
I'm in the TV show
I used to watch, man.
Everything I say is gonna end up
on the cutting room floor anyways.
So it doesn't matter.
- Hey, how you doin'?
- WOMAN: Hi.
- Can I get a cold brew?
- Yeah, of course.
Do you mind if I get a photo?
- Sure.
- I'm a big fan.
Oh, my God!
What did you guys do to Eric?
Fuck, everything was perfect.
I was like,
cold brew coffee, all right.
Yes, please.
"A picture? Okay, yeah, sure."
- What happened?
- What do you mean?
He just got his nuts beat up.
His balls are in his tummy.
Oh. Ah, God damn it hurts.
I think we gotta go one more.
Can you do one more?
Jeff said he needs one more.
Hey, Wee Man,
help him get through that hole.
I'll guide.
They're not hanging as low as
they were.
- MAN 1: Can you blame him?
EHREN: I'm getting 'em
right now.
Ehren "Fluffer" McGhehey.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, fuck, it hurts.
- Hold on, get ready.
- EHREN: Okay, there.
- MAN: Here we go. Here we go.
- MAN 1: Now we're primed.
- MAN 2: One more time.
Ah, fuck you.
You ready? Action.
Everybody shut up!
MAN: Oh, Preston.
Here with Steve-O and our
special handsome guest star,
Machine Gun Kelly.
This is the bicycle backhand
and it's a competition.
The faster you pedal your bike
the faster the other guy's
hand goes back.
And when it gets
to a certain point,
boom, someone's gonna
get launched.
You might be younger,
taller, better looking,
more talented,
but, motherfucker,
I can ride.
Steve-O's just eat up
with envy.
Charlie, can you push that
hand in a little closer?
Okay, I'm gonna push this
forward a little.
Oh, shit!
- What the fuck?
- No one fucking even touched it.
MAN: Oops. Oops.
It happened so fast.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God, dude.
Dry off, Steve-O,
it's going again.
JOHNNY: Charlie just
touched it, it went boom.
And now Steve-O
has to do it twice.
Um, we ready?
On your marks...
get set...
Pedal! Pedal! Pedal!
Oh, you got this!
Keep going! Keep going!
MAN: He's got 'em!
MAN 2: Steve-O's winning.
STEVE-O: I don't know.
I don't know!
MAN: Head up! Head up!
Don't gas out, Steve-O.
- MAN 1: Steve-O, you got it.
- MAN 2: You got it!
Oh, God. It's so cold!
Bunny, help him.
The water's so fucking cold.
Save me motherfucker, fuck.
I need a towel.
I totally forgot
I was a lifeguard.
Dude, it's so cold.
That hurt so bad.
You got towels? Okay.
MAN: He's in shock right now,
look at his face.
Yeah, dude.
I thought my hand
was your hand.
Maybe I didn't
explain it right.
Dude, you said it wasn't gonna
feel like anything.
What hurt worse,
the cold water or the hand?
MACHINE GUN: It was the hand.
That was harsh.
I was in the water like...
Oh, I'm dead.
That really worked.
How did you beat me?
I don't know, dude.
I don't know, man.
I was coming off my pedals,
it was not my strongest performance.
Yours was really bad.
JOHNNY: I don't know what's
worse, the wedgie or these
junkyard mattresses
you gotta land on?
MAN: Look at that
pee-stained one right there.
MAN 2: Ew, dude.
STEVE-O: Who do you think's more
afraid of being at that height?
Preston or Zach?
JOHNNY: How are you with
heights, Zach?
- I already hate this.
I'm Wee Man, and this
is the triple wedgie.
JOHNNY: All right.
Three, two, one. Jump!
Okay! Put me down!
Shit, put me down!
(GROANING) My nuts!
MAN: Well, that went well.
JOHNNY: A little angel
hanging in the air.
Hollywood has long put
tremendous pressure on women
to look youthful and sexy.
And sometimes, the only way
to do that is with a team
of medical professionals
and venomous insects.
I'm Rachel,
and this is scorpion botox.
CHRIS: This is actually
my first time performing
this procedure.
To be honest with you.
RACHEL: Oh, my God.
That stinger is huge.
Pontius, I'm trusting you
with my lips.
CHRIS: You can trust me,
I'm a doctor.
You want to just put him
on my mouth
and then fuck with him?
- MAN 1: Past her lip.
- MAN 2: Ooh!
Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
CHRIS: Just relax
and enjoy the procedure.
- MAN 1: Oh, he's on.
- MAN 2: Oh, no.
- MAN 1: Oh, shit.
- MAN 2: Oh, my...
- MAN 1: Ow!
- MAN: Boob job!
- I don't want it on my boobs!
I can't take him off your boob
unless you give me permission.
- Permission!
I'm giving you consent!
- ERIC: 21st Century, people.
- MAN: Yeah.
CHRIS: All right,
time to get stung in the face.
- RACHEL: Whoa.
- MAN: This is intense.
- MAN: Good job. Good job.
- RACHEL: He got it on my lip.
ERIC: You're ready
for the red carpet. (LAUGHS)
Oh, shit. He's angry.
- MAN 1: Oh, shit!
- MAN 2: Whoa!
ERIC: God dammit, doctor.
He definitely stung my chin.
JASPER: Came for lips
and left with a new chin.
CHRIS: Do you feel sexier?
- RACHEL: I'm feeling sexier by the minute.
- Do you have one more in you?
- Yeah, sure.
ERIC: Let's make it count.
- RACHEL: He's coming.
- ERIC: You got it, Doc.
Oh, my God,
that hurt so fucking bad.
- Oh, my God, that hurt so bad.
- MAN 1: It's true, it got her good.
- RACHEL: That hurt bad.
- MAN: Oh, shit.
MAN: Her lips are really
swollen now. That shit worked.
Oh, my lip is so fucked up,
you guys.
I feel fucked up.
ERIC: But she looks great.
- MAN: Whoa, a VCR.
- WOMAN: Huh?
MAN 2: So that's
a blast from the past, huh?
DAVE: Ah, that will work.
(GRUNTS) Dang.
DAVE: Oh. Oh, my God.
Whoa! What?
- MAN 1: What the hell?
- MAN 2: What the fuck!
DAVE: What happened?
Holy crap, I fell on my face.
- MAN: Are you okay?
- DAVE: I'm okay, I just don't understand.
I don't understand why
you were using the toilet.
How did you end up here?
And you just took a shit...
- DAVE: I didn't take anything.
- MAN: That was insane.
WOMAN: What kind of person
are you?
We have every available fan
in Los Angeles on set today.
The two in the middle
go 100 miles an hour.
I'm Jasper, and I'm about to take
this gold chair to the fucking moon.
JASPER: Oh! Oh! Oh!
MAN: Oh, my God!
MAN 2: Oh, my God!
JOHNNY: We have a winner!
PRESTON: Holy shit.
JASPER: Oh, fuck.
I want to go again.
Now it's time for some
hot-shit water-skiing. Brah!
EHREN: We need a medic.
- JOHNNY: Poops, you launched.
- POOPIES: Shit!
- Fuck, dude.
- EHREN: Dude. Poopies! Poopies!
- MAN 1: Yeah.
- MAN 2: Yeah, Poopies!
It worked!
MAN: Oh, shit!
- MAN: Dude.
MAN: Quiet, please! Filming.
CHRIS: Milk, milk, lemonade,
turn the corner and fudge is made.
Stick your finger in the hole.
Now you've got a Tootsie...
MAN: Hey, quiet please,
quiet please.
JOHNNY: Everybody quiet.
So he can sing "Milk, Milk, Lemonade."
Okay this is serious.
Everybody shut up.
MAN: All right,
let's get some smoke.
Behold, our twisted souls have come to the
garden of death to dine with the devil.
CHRIS: It's time to sacrifice Wee Man's
juicy ass to the raptor from hell.
- CHRIS: Oh.
- STEVE-O: Looking good.
- Assume the position.
- Which way? This way?
CHRIS: Just have fun with it.
JOHNNY: What do you have
in there?
- Just me!
- That's not just you.
WEE MAN: Go ahead.
JOHNNY: Is that?
Wait, I'm not...
- That's him!
CHRIS: When the beast
awakens, the monster arises.
All right, whoa, dude, whoa!
JOHNNY: Stuff it in his butt
and let's go.
Okay, there's enough
meat there.
STEVE-O: And a cherry on top.
CHRIS: Let the unholy
sacrament begin.
- MAN 1: Oh, shit!
- MAN 2: Oh, my God!
Ah, fuck!
STEVE-O: Come.
WEE MAN: Oh, okay!
- MAN 1: You got this.
- WEE MAN: Oh, no!
Oh, shit!
CHRIS: Feast on his cock.
WEE MAN: All right!
All right!
Stop, man.
Stop, don't do that.
CHRIS: As the blood rushes to the mast,
the beast awakens from his ancient slumber.
- CHRIS: He's bleeding.
- WEE MAN: Fuck. Come on.
CHRIS: The beast
has drawn blood.
Jeff. Jeff, can I get out?
JEFF: In a second.
In a second.
- Jeff.
- JEFF: I would, but the bird's right here.
We're trying to get you
untied but the bird's here.
CHRIS: Before he returns to
hell, it's time for dessert.
WEE MAN: Come on, let's go.
- WEE MAN: Fuck!
- JOHNNY: Don't kick the bird, Wee Man.
I didn't kick the bird!
CHRIS: It was the bird.
- WEE MAN: Okay, let me out.
- JEFF: Let him out.
STEVE-O: Well, let's not let
this meat go to waste.
- Dark Shark?
- Shut up.
Hell, no, I ain't going near
none of that. Hell, nah.
Look at that motherfucker.
JOHNNY: Dark Shark, come on,
just put it on your arm.
DARK SHARK: Hell, nah,
are you crazy?
- JOHNNY: Yeah, Dark Shark.
- Come on!
- MAN: Dark Shark!
- MAN: Yeah!
- MAN 1: Hold your arm straight.
- MAN 2: Look at the camera.
- MAN: Don't move. Don't move.
- MAN 2: Don't move.
- MAN 3: Stand still.
He's biting my arm!
- MAN 1: No, he's not.
- MAN 2: He's clasping your arm.
- Look at Rick! Look at Rick!
- He's too heavy! Get him off me!
Hey. Feel that shit, man. That
motherfucker was trying to hurt me, man.
I'm kind of embarrassed
right now. Like...
I came out of his penis, man.
That's how he acting?
Hood card taken away.
We have 15 gallons
of pig semen.
Turns out, pigs produce the
most semen of any animal.
Up to 17 ounces a load.
And the guys are going to think they
are getting interviewed about the movie.
And while they're sitting
there, something may happen.
- There's crust on top of it.
JOHNNY: Harvested gallons and gallons
of this. Does it smell like pig semen?
Does it smell?
Why are you looking at me
like that?
JOHNNY: Oh, no!
- CHRIS: It's semen all right.
Why am I the one to puke?
I don't puke.
JOHNNY: I just wanted you
to smell it.
CHRIS: I wanted
to surprise you.
It's been a while since I ate
the horse semen but...
I think I prefer the pig.
Bacon's better than horse
meat, right?
I'm Tyler. And this is
the electric tap dance.
While these beautiful men
dance away,
I'm going to give my guy
Johnny Knoxville a look,
and he's going to put
some pep in their step.
JOHNNY: It's going to shock
the shit out of them.
And if you're wondering if
the curtains match the drapes,
let me tell you, I tore those
drapes out a long time ago.
JASPER: This is fucked.
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.
- JASPER: That one hurt.
TYLER: Shanna, what the fuck
is this under the seat?
What is this?
What the fuck is that?
- JOHNNY: What?
- TYLER: What is that?
What is that?
WOMAN: It's how they work,
look. This...
TYLER: In tune? It's a piano.
No, it's metal right here.
I'm not fucking stupid.
MAN: All right, let's go.
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.
Step and step.
Oh, shit!
Oh! Oh!
I still feel it in my ass.
- Yeah, Tyler.
- Those shits hit hard, man.
How about a hand
for our dancers?
Our showgirl!
And our choreographer,
Michael Rooney.
And Jeff Tremaine!
Jeff should sit on that.
Jeff, sit on that just once,
Who got that remote?
I fucking hate Jeff.
TYLER: Wait, are you on it?
Holy shit!
MAN: All right, thanks man.
We'll do this real fast.
So we're going to go
from that to this. I just...
I got shocked so bad
so many times.
MAN: Are we rolling, guys?
He's about to have five gallons
of pig cum dumped on him.
Damn, that sounds like me
in London.
JOHNNY: Oh, my God.
But how did he fucking
fall for this?
We don't question it.
My favorite Jackass stunt
of all time with me in it
is the firehose rodeo.
To be honest,
I drank late into the night,
woke up still drunk.
JOHNNY: Oh, that's cum!
That's five gallons
of pig cum.
- You just got cummed on, dude!
- That's pig cum.
- MAN: Oh!
- What is it?
Pig cum.
MAN: Pig cum.
- MAN: Pig cum.
- DAVE: That's pig cum?
CHRIS: That's pig cum.
Five gallons.
Honestly, I think
it tastes good.
DAVE: I'm a vegetarian!
Watch the replay.
Watch, watch, watch.
Wait, wait, wait.
Watch his mouth.
Stay on his mouth.
Ready? And...
- It went in his mouth.
- Right in his fucking mouth.
MAN: You look great.
I just said why can't I wear
my cool hat?
Now I know why.
EHREN: Oh, God!
Oh, my God, dude!
So today, Ehren's going
to be wearing a shock collar.
And I'm going to administer
a lie detector test.
And if he's not truthful,
he's going to get stung.
Jesus, man!
You don't have to
feel that again
as long as you
tell the truth.
- Okay, but...
- JOHNNY: Come on.
All right.
What is your name?
Kenneth Ehren McGhehey.
Okay, next question, Ehren.
Are you really allergic
to bees?
JOHNNY: Oh, boy,
I think he told a porky.
Ow! I'm fucking allergic to bees, man.
I got tested by doctors!
Stop it!
- What?
- EHREN: Just for a second.
Just let me figure
some things out. Okay?
EHREN: I got to get out
of this thing.
- JOHNNY: This will keep you immune to the bees.
- Oh, come on.
Are you fucking kidding me
right now?
I am trapped.
And you are putting honey
on me.
- And salmon?
- JOHNNY: Yeah.
What are you doing?
JOHNNY: Ehren, please relax.
JOHNNY: You're making this
much worse
on yourself
than it needs to be.
No, it's not much worse,
it is that worse.
- No.
- Please.
Now I'm stuck in a room.
Everyone's going to leave.
Lights out.
The fucking honey
is in my eye!
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
- MAN 1: I can't believe it.
- MAN 2: No fucking way.
JOHNNY: Look at his face!
Ehren, remain calm.
- JOHNNY: Talk to it, Ehren.
Try to calm it down.
Oh, no.
He's going for the salmon.
- JOHNNY: Oh, no.
- Hi, bear.
JOHNNY: Are you really
allergic to bees, Ehren?
- Fuck!
- You're telling a porky!
I didn't even get to answer.
- No, no.
- JOHNNY: Ooh!
JOHNNY: Ehren, don't make
any sudden movements.
- Oh.
There's nothing
more in there!
There's nothing more
in there!
JOHNNY: Mr. Bear,
eat that dick.
I'm ready to come out
of this. I...
JOHNNY: Uh-oh.
Fuck, dude,
he tried to bite my hand.
He's trying to bite my hand.
He's trying to bite my hand.
He's trying to bite my hand.
I don't know what...
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Ow! Oh, my God,
he's going for my dick.
- I gotta go in.
- EHREN: He's going for my dick, dude.
I wanna get outta here, man,
like I'm serious.
Yeah, Ehren!
Yeah, get him out of it.
MAN: I feel for you, bro.
- I feel for you.
- You're good, you're done.
You're done.
Is it... Is it actually over?
JOHNNY: Yeah, buddy.
Oh, my God.
All right. I think this is
a perfect amount of "in it".
MAN: All right, let me...
MAN: Who's got it?
- I thought I had it.
- MAN: I got it.
All right.
This is gnarly.
This is a trip.
While you guys are tightening,
I'm going to have to hold the tip of it
just to keep it steady, huh?
Ooh, it's starting to take
a firm grip.
MAN: Look at it!
This is some medieval shit.
- This is all the way clear.
- No thanks, bro.
- Watch it, man.
- It's tight, man.
JASPER: That don't hurt?
CHRIS: That's the weird part,
it doesn't really hurt.
Oh, my God.
Don't look now,
but it's flat as a pancake.
A lot of people ask, "What will
Jackass be like once we're older?"
Well, it'll get more mature.
Me and the homie be Googling
weird shit,
but like this would never
pop in their head.
This is brand new.
Yeah, you're for sure never
gonna be president.
You never know.
I'd vote for him.
The ball flap.
MAN: Yes! Oh, my God!
Now we know
what that's all about.
STEVE-O: So, here we are
back at the bullring.
Even at a time when I wanted to
die, I wouldn't get in the bullring.
You know, when life
was its least valuable
I would have no part
in this bullshit.
And it's my
least favorite thing.
The movie's going so well.
Why the fuck
are we doing this?
God, dude!
- I don't think he's very happy.
- No.
- Have you been around bulls before?
- No.
I've never been around
a bull
in my whole entire life.
Not a real one.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I am Johnny the Magnificent.
Today, I am going to wow you with my
supreme skills of prestidigitation.
Oh, fuck! Oh, God! Oh, shit!
Oh, no! Oh, shit!
Oh, no. (GRUNTS)
- MAN: Jesus.
MAN: There we go.
MAN: He's okay.
Hey, J, talk to me. You okay?
- MAN: You all right?
MAN: You doing okay?
MAN: He's gettin' back,
he's coming to.
MAN 2:
He's coming back, yeah.
- MAN: You all right?
That was a violent brawl.
One-sided to be sure.
MAN: Gnarly.
So we good, Jeff?
JEFF: You got exactly
what you wanted.
- Yeah, Knox.
- Yeah, Knox.
Oh, fuck.
So what happened
after it hit me?
Dude, it's gnarly.
This is you, this is the bull.
MAN: He didn't
mess around, dude.
He turned around
and just nailed him.
- STEVE-O: That was insane.
- MAN: Yeah, Knox!
MAN: It's probably the
biggest hit you've ever taken.
MAN 2: And that's why
he is the captain.
That bull didn't like
fucking magic.
MAN: Yeah, Knox, we love you!
JOHNNY: Love you!
MAN: Captain!
Hello, Lance.
- LANCE: Hello there.
- How are you?
Good. What's new?
Ah, I got a broken wrist,
broken rib, concussion.
But I was supposed to
pour the milk in the hat,
and then put the hat back on,
and no milk come out.
Did milk come out?
LANCE: There was some milk
on the...
Oh, shit!
These guys are gonna get
on that centrifuge back there,
drink as much milk
as they can.
We're gonna see what happens.
This is the vomitron.
- Woo!
- Yeah!
Taste the rainbow.
- Taste the rainbow.
- Come on, guys.
If this is a race to see
who vomits first,
I think I might have it.
Zach, aim your head down
when you throw up.
- It's comin' right at me.
Oh, God.
I can barely taste
the pig cum in this.
- Right?
MAN: All right, chug, chug.
Oh, shit.
Here we go! Fuck me!
EHREN: Just look at me, Eric.
- MAN: Pound that milk!
- Yeah, chug it!
- Oh.
- Fuck it.
- MAN: Is he already puking?
- Drink your fucking milk!
- I'm trying! I'm fuckin' trying!
Let's pick up the speed!
Pick up the speed!
Whoo! It's pickin' up!
Ah! Ahh!
ZACH: What the fuck
did you eat?
What did he eat?
Go, go, go!
MAN: Oh, shit!
What's happening now?
There's an army truck.
Holy shit.
Oh, shit, Imma pass out!
I'm passing out!
Zach's passing out?
ZACH: I'm passing out.
I can't drink the milk.
I'm going too fast.
Red Robin Three.
This is Big Hank Two.
I want the perimeter bombed,
God damn it!
Bomb them into the stone age,
MAN: Stop! Stop!
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Oh, no!
It's a paintball time!
Stop! Stop!
No more! Oh!
I got shot
in the fuckin' mouth.
MAN: Ah! Dave! Dave!
Get on the stretcher!
Get on the stretcher.
Don't get me! Ah! Fuck!
Someday this war is gonna end.
I don't know how to get out.
Help me, Eric! Help me!
I love the smell of paintballs
in the morning!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Fuck, Jeff!
Look at Dave's face!
Look at...
- Oh, my God!
- Fuck off! Fuck all the way off!
Dude, what the fuck?
- I'm sorry, bro.
- That fuckin' hurt!
Get out there, get out there.
Poopies... Poopies is hurt.
- Are we done?
- Let me see.
- Oh, my God.
- POOPIES: Oh my God, damn!
My dick really hurts, man.
He got shot in the dick.
MAN: That was fucked!
Oh, God. Look at that.
DAVE: It's gotta be
over, dude.
I can't get any more hurt.
I think we're all the way
finished, we're through.
Stick a fork in it.
We're done.
Oooh, is that
your tooth, dude?
That's a wrap on the movie.
- Huh?
MAN: Oh, my God!
MAN: Oh, shit!
- Watch him get hit in the nuts!
- MAN: Oh, no!
Oh, fuck!
Did anyone even film that?
He was.
- MAN: Oh, shit!
This is the cup that we used for P.K.
to hit me in the dick.
And apparently it worked.
But there's a big giant
dent in it.
Are you kidding me?
MAN: Flamingo.
Flamingo, pelican, eh!
MAN: Give that a whirl, yeah.
Probably, like,
her least concern.
RACHEL: That's awesome.
I didn't even know he could go
that fast.
MAN: Oh, my God!
I got shot with the
elephant gun yesterday.
Yeah, Parks!
Good job, dude!
You launched!
That was crazy.
Oh, fuck, yeah, you the main one
talkin' shit. Motherfucker, do it!
That's a hot mama.
MAN: Who's this?
CHRIS: He's my offspring.
For real, like, I've been
watching Jackass
- since I was like 12 years old, 10 years old.
- Right.
But it's definitely a big impact
on life and guess what? We're here.
We're here, baby!
Poopies doesn't have the
biggest penis in the world,
not the second biggest either.
I think I have the smallest
one out of the whole group.
That was what... That was what I was
most nervous about is showing it on...
to the whole world.
- Yeah.
- But that's what we're here for.
My name's Irving Zissman,
and I'm a prick.
And that's the truth.
I kind of feel like praying
right now.
Boom, boom. boom, boom.
Was that a prank?
Y'all ain't right, man.
That was beautiful.
I love you guys, man,
for that.
Did they put that goofy-ass
beard on in makeup?
You a hater.
I knew he was gonna come over
and say some fuck shit
about my nice-ass beard.
- Yeah, 'cause that's...
Oh, my God!
Holy fuck.
Oh, my God, dude.
Come on, Zach!
Oh, God!
Oh, my, you missed the bucket.
I'm in the weirdest position.
SPIKE: All right, let's get that
camera ready with the 16 mil,
right down Main Street.
- Hey, Rick.
- Hey!
I was trying to look stoked.
MAN: There it is!
First time you got cummed on?
Yeah. For sure.
Or the second.
- I am, I have no...
- Okay, listen.
Did we get it?
- You just gotta take it.
- You just gotta go.
- MAN: Take it like a man.
- You just gotta take it.
MAN: Cut! Cut!
That's good.
MAN: Three, two, one!
- Ow, ow, ow!
- Ow, my hand's burned.
Ow, my hand's burning!
Hey, Dave.
- Dave, you good, bro?
- Yeah.
I'm all right,
I'll be all right.
I'm just going... I am burned.
Oh, God!
MAN: How's his head?
Can't have nothin' nice,
can I?
Will you make him an actual
coffee, Stephanie, thank you.
- Oh, dude.
- STEPHANIE: Here, I made you another one.
That's actually
not the milkshake.
All right!
Dude wanted to be
just like me.
What? Dude, that's sick.
Trailer moment.
Don't move.
We ready?
He's ready.
So we're all ready to do this?
MAN: We're ready.
MAN: Everyone rolling?
Oh, no! Oh, no!
MAN: Oh, my God!
- Wow!
- That is legit right there.
Let me get in on that one.
I'm running around in a
G-string for a living.
MAN: You are making a living
at that right now.
It looked good on you.
I summon Sarcophilus Satanicus
to come and eat the flesh
of the wallaby.
I can totally see through
This is so gross, man.
Can we get one with the finger
in your mouth?
I'm gonna shit my pants before
we get to that fuckin' place.
I'm Dave England
and I got to take a shit.
MAN: I hope you're gonna
get that son of a bitch.
DAVE: I took a huge coil in
there and it stunk so bad.
Weren't you on 90210 not too long ago...
MAN: Hey, come here. Jump...
Get it off!
Get it off!
Hold the collar up
so I can see it.
JOHNNY: Did I get you?
We're going to convince Kosick that
this is a piece of audio equipment.
Unbeknownst to him,
he's gonna be shocked.
Yeah, it's a microphone.
I don't hear nothing.
Stop it now. Stop it.
MAN: Hey, let's eat.
Who wants some?
MAN: Face your fears.
He put his hands down!
What a pussy. Don't look.
MAN: Dude, just kick back.
It's not like we really care.
Dude, dude!
Ow, ow! Dude!
Dude! Chill!
Chill, dude!
It's for the movie, dude.
He kicked your ass, dude.
How's Raab not in this?
I'm the smart one.
I already know what's going to happen.
Hey, I'm Raab Himself
and this is Bungy-Wedgie.
JOHNNY: Watch out.
Stop it!
Oh! You got my nuts!
Oh, man, I'm stuck.
MAN: And cut.