Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013) Movie Script

Law offices.
You know what I want to
be when I grow up?
- What?
- A fisherman.
I want to go fishing
every day till I'm rich
so I can move right
next door to the jailhouse,
so I can be close to my mommy.
She got arrested for drugs
again, so she has to go back.
I'm sorry to hear that.
My mommy's breath smells so bad
'cause she smokes
so much crack.
What do you think?
What do I think? About what?
My mommy's bad breath.
Maybe it'll get better.
Thank you. That helps.
Yeah. Yeah! Thanks
for nothing, Derek.
What is
the matter with you, Kimmie?
All right, come on. We got to
go see your grandpa.
Not Grandpa. He's a kook!
Oh, my goodness.
You are limber!
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Ooh, well, hello!
I think I know her.
Mr. Zisman?
Mr. Zisman.
- Mr. Zisman!
- Hmm?
I'm, uh, afraid I have
some bad news.
Your wife, she took a turn
for the worse last night
and, um, she passed away.
I'm so sorry.
I thought she'd never die.
I'm going to let
you process this,
and, uh, I'll be back in
just a moment, okay?
Thank you. Thank you, Doc!
Don't get me wrong, I'm upset,
but she was a crabby old bat.
Well, I'm sorry for your loss.
She hadn't given me any nookie
since the '90s.
And then it was
only out of spite.
She's in a much better place.
And I'm in a much better place.
Did you hear that, Leroy?
We're free!
I'm free.
Hello, lady.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Sir, can you help me?
Can you help me, sir?
I don't expect
you to understand,
but I have my penis
stuck to the soda machine.
Gabriel! I'm stuck.
What's wrong?
My penis is
stuck in the machine!
Gabriel! Help me!
Help me! Ah! Gabriel!
Sir. Could you help me, sir?
Please don't announce it!
It's fucking embarrassing!
Can you help me
instead of announcing?
Please! It's not funny!
It's not funny!
Help! Give me a hand!
- Could you help me?
- What you want?
I'm in a bad situation.
I gotta get unstuck!
Can you help?
Jiggle my shoulders.
Jiggle my shoulders.
Ow! Ow!
- Nothing I can do.
- Jiggle my...
Jiggle! Ow! Ow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh. Oh! He's trying
to rip that dick out!
Oh, no!
- Stop!
- Stop, man!
Don't... It's not going
to come out.
Don't! Quit pulling on it.
I got to get...
Oh, God!
Push! Push!
God! Push! Push!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
You looking for something?
Yes, ma'am,
I'm looking for a suit.
Wow, what's your name?
- Judy.
- Judy...
- Nice to meet you.
- ...you are so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my goodness.
My wife just passed away.
I'm sorry.
That's all right. It wasn't the
greatest marriage anyway, Judy.
That's why I'm gonna take a
little me time now, Judy.
- And have some fun.
- Uh-huh. See?
By fun, I mean
banging the gong.
I might be too old
to fry the rice,
but I can still chop the
suey, that's for sure.
How long does it
take to do alterations?
Um... Do you
need a hurry?
Uh, the funeral's tomorrow.
Oh. Do you need a tie?
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, what color
the tie you likey?
Uh, I likey any color.
You pick one out for me.
Well... How about
that one right there?
Uh... Which one?
You mean this one?
- Right there. Yes.
- That looks like it's green.
- Oh, that's very nice.
- Yeah. Okay?
- How much is that shirt?
- Sixty-five.
- That's a lot of scratch.
- Forty per cent.
- Forty per cent.
- That's a lot of scratch.
- So, forty per cent.
- Yeah.
Is that a squirrel right there?
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- You got me, you got me.
- Yup, I got you good.
- You got me.
- Yup, I got you over a felony.
- Oh, God.
- Have a seat.
Yes, sir.
- Do not get up out of that chair.
- Yes, sir.
I apologize.
Get my shit off.
Get your shit off?
Get my shirt off. Get my coat off.
Get my pants off.
I gotta take your pants off?
- You better believe it.
- Well, that sounds a little weird.
Go in here and
get the damn pants off.
You want me to take your pants
off, that seems a little weird.
Thank you, kind people,
for being here today.
I never thought my wife's
funeral would be filled with
complete strangers, but we've
outlived all our friends.
I was hoping my daughter and
grandson could make it but...
They didn't.
So, I would especially like
to thank the choir
and caterers, and all the nice
people sitting before me.
Thank you.
I wished you could have
seen the young Ellie,
the woman I fell in love with.
She was like a flash
of bright light.
A callipygian princess who drew
people to her like a magnet.
And for those of you who don't
know what callipygian means,
it means she has a nice bottom.
- Ooh.
- She did.
I wish I had
more time with her.
I wish so much of our time had
not been consumed by combat.
I wish I'd tried a little
harder to make that happen.
- Because she's gone now.
- And our history on this earth has been written...
Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, buddy.
- Hi.
This is my
daughter and grandson.
Can I have a word with you?
Yeah, I'm in
the middle of something.
Billy, just stay there
for a second.
I just want to talk to
your granddad outside.
Okay, Mom.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Hi, Billy.
What's so important?
Listen, I'm sorry that she's
dead and everything,
but I'm in some serious shit,
- What is it this time?
- You tell him about the microphone.
Don't even start that
with me! Not now!
Okay? It wasn't even my fault!
This cop, he's got a bug
up his ass,
and then they give me
this public defender
who's a fucking idiot! And...
Sir, excuse me.
The microphone is on.
Please, just give me a moment.
Just give me a moment.
Look, I violated my parole
and now they're gonna
send me to jail.
I just need you to take Billy
across the country
so he can be with his dad
for a while. Okay?
I can't have Bobby with me
now. I'm in mourning!
It's Billy. Billy!
How am I supposed
to know what his name is?
You never brought him around!
And when you did bring him around,
he pissed every bed in the house.
I don't pee my bed anymore.
I cannot have
Billy with me now.
I am a free man for the
first time in 46 years
and I can't be saddled
with that cockblock!
That's just fine.
You were never there for me
when I was little,
so I guess it's
no different now, is it?
I'm going to talk to my mom.
I am very sorry. Um...
Everyone's very
emotional right now.
It's a very difficult
time for the family.
I don't know what to say.
Sweetie, come here.
That's your mother's.
She told me I could have it.
Give me the...
Give it...
Don't do this in front of
them! Don't do this right now!
Just stop...
- Oh, no!
- Oh, God! Jesus!
Oh, no.
- I love you.
- Oh, baby.
Sorry, Daddy.
Oh, baby!
Oh, my God!
Sing! Please, choir, sing
something. Somebody help.
Joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart
Down in my heart,
down in my heart
I've got the joy,
joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart to stay
I've got the love of
Jesus down in my heart
Down in my heart,
down in my heart
I've got the love of Jesus
down in my heart
Down in my heart to stay
I've got the joy,
joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart to stay
Where are we going?
We're going here to get on
a computer call with your dad
to see when he's gonna
pick your little ass up.
And I got someone meeting us
to help me
and your father communicate,
seeing how we don't get along.
Are you Mr. Zisman?
- Hi.
- Shirley Kreska.
- Nice to meet you, Shirley.
- Nice to meet you.
Well, tell me
the purpose of the call.
His mother is going to jail.
But she wanted me to get
him to his father.
We've had lots of problems
out of the father.
He's nearly impossible
to communicate with.
Yes, yes.
I got him up on
the computer now.
All right, Chuck.
This is Shirley.
Hi, Chuck.
I'm a local counselor,
and I'm just here to help
the two of you
reach whatever goals
you want to reach
and just help the two
of you talk together.
So, uh, Kimmie
is going to
jail again, all right?
Doesn't surprise me.
So I need you to come
get Billy, like, from me.
Why are you shaking your head?
'Cause this is real
bad timing right now for me.
I'm having some problems
with my business right now.
- Okay.
- Oh, your business, huh?
What business is that?
I sell computers.
Sell... He couldn't sell
pussy on a troop train.
Oh, that's
a disgusting thing to say.
Okay, but that doesn't help.
That doesn't help.
You're right. You're right.
I'm sorry for insulting you.
Are you serious?
This is a disaster.
All right, Chuck.
If you can't come to Lincoln,
then I'll just bring him
to you in North Carolina.
No. 'Cause I don't have money
to take care of a kid.
My cousin, he just had
to take his baby girl,
and the state's paying
him $600 a month for free.
Are you sure you
want him to go to him?
- He's getting 600 bucks?
- A month.
Wait, what are they saying?
She's saying possibly he could
get money for keeping him.
I think I can
work something out.
I think that if Irving was to
bring him here to Raleigh,
I could take the kid.
And then if it
didn't work out...
600 bucks a month
will make it work for me.
And that isn't guaranteed,
what she just said.
It's something
- you would have to investigate.
- No, no, it's guaranteed.
She's always right.
It's a done deal, man.
Drop him off.
All right,
2:00 on Sunday.
2:00 p.m. Sunday.
Great, man. Great. Great.
There goes like
half my inventory.
What a wonderful business
you have.
Okay. Chuck,
what's your last name?
- M-U-S-K-I-E.
- M... Okay.
D-O-U-C-H-E is
how you spell it.
Yeah. That's right.
F-A-G-O-T is your last name.
Your son's right here,
if you don't mind.
Bye, A-S-S-O-L-E.
Shitbird, dummy butt.
Let's just...
Let's just walk away.
Suck it.
"Suck it," that's nice.
Suck a bowl of dicks.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Billy!
Hey, Billy, let me show you
what you're going to do
if somebody comes
at you with a knife.
Come here.
Have any of those baskets down
here that you have outside?
I don't think so.
You don't think so.
You don't know?
Don't interrupt,
grandpa, I'm busy.
So if a guy comes
at you with a knife...
You don't care about a sale?
Yeah, I care about a sale.
But I'm trying to teach my
grandson about knife fights.
And you keep
yapping. Jesus.
- Good attitude to have.
- Yeah, keep walking, gramps.
Okay, now, if a guy comes
at you in a knife fight.
Like, come at me,
I'll show you what you do.
That's all you gotta do.
You take it and you stick
it right in their thigh.
And then they
can't run after you.
You young ladies in the
market for a nice bed?
- No.
- Seventy-five dollars.
What's special about it?
It's got that
special vibrating feature.
You know what I'm saying?
You want to see how it works?
No, thanks, honey.
My wife and I only had it two weeks
before she went in the hospital.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
That's okay, that's okay.
It's barely been used.
- Yeah.
- And she passed away.
- Oh, dear. That's very sad.
- Yeah.
Well, it's not so sad, she
was kind of a bitch, but...
My goodness!
Well, gotta
call a spade a spade.
Well, there goes
the troublemaker.
Well, what kind of
attitude is that?
- Same type you have.
- Same kind of 'tude you got.
- Same type you have.
- Wow.
Mr. and Mrs. Happy.
How much is this?
Is there a price tag on it?
I don't... There's a...
That's one of my
wife's favorite lamps.
- It's very pretty.
- Yes.
She died of, uh...
It's kind of like bad breath,
but the vagina.
It wasn't
the main cause, but...
- It didn't help.
- Yeah.
will you buy that please?
No, thank you. I don't
need it, I have one.
Ma'am, how do you explain what a
cockblock is to an eight-year-old?
Can you help me explain that? 'Cause that's
what's sitting there is a little cockblock.
No, he's not.
Don't listen to her.
He's a good boy.
If you like him so damn much,
you take him.
Do you like this chair?
That is pretty cool.
It's only $25.
Wow. That's nice.
This bed's going for
a pretty good price.
I'd like to lay down
and take a nap myself.
- I'm tired all the time.
- Yeah.
Is it one of those ones
that adjusts?
Yes, ma'am, it's really good.
It's one of those that kind of
sit up while
you're watching TV.
Here, try, uh... I'll, uh...
Try to adjust it a little.
Whoa, stop!
Oh, my God!
Whoa, stop. Oh, my God!
Stop, stop! Whoa, stop!
Unplug it!
Oh, my God! What are you
trying to do to me?
All I did was push
the little button!
Oh, God! Put it down!
Put it... Cramp! Cramp!
It's unplugged!
It's unplugged,
I pulled the plug.
Oh, my God.
Unplug that thing
over there, please.
I'm getting off.
Oh. Oh, God.
- Let Grandpa sit.
- I pushed the little button.
He told me to push the button.
Let Grandpa sit.
I think I'm going to have
a heart attack. I really do.
Well, let's not make this
all about you, honey.
Oh, no, no, I'm telling her.
I'm not making it...
Just calm down. It's okay.
My breathing won't come back.
You can have the bed for $50.
No, I don't want that bed.
Hey, sir, how are you?
Do you have a bed
we're supposed to pick up?
- Right this way.
- Alrighty.
My name's Irving,
what's your name?
Tom. How are you,
Tom? Come on in.
This is my grandson, Billy.
- Hi, Billy. How are you?
- Hi.
- What's your name, sir?
- I'm James.
James. How are you, James?
Come on in. We're back here.
And, um... My wife just passed
away a couple days ago
and the damn funeral home
had a little misunderstanding.
Like, you know what, "We'll
just take her right back."
We want to get her in
my trunk, because we're gonna
bury her down south a ways.
If you could help me to my car
I would really appreciate it.
Let me just...
Okay, um...
Just wrap her up.
I think it'll be easiest
if you just pull like that.
Yeah. She was a pain in my ass
when we were married
and she passed away, she's
still being a pain in my ass.
Just grab that right there.
James, will you get the head?
Be gentle with her.
Here you go, James.
- Here you go.
- Lord have mercy. Jesus.
There you go.
Don't let her fall
out of there, James.
Get a good hold on her.
Oh, man. We're, uh...
We got to get this
little boy to his father.
His mom just got
thrown in jail.
My mom's on drugs.
Lord have mercy!
Thank you, boys.
I couldn't carry her myself.
Just put her right in there.
And, uh, we got blankets
to keep her warm.
All right, be careful with her.
All right.
Thank you. Thank you, James.
Come here, Billy.
Grab his hand.
Can we say a prayer?
Lord, please look
after Billy and I
on our journey with Ellie.
And Lord, please look after
these men because
they were very sweet
and they're also accomplices
to probably what was
technically a crime, but...
We're not gonna say anything.
Come on, man!
Are you serious?
In your name we pray. Amen.
All right.
Let me ask you a question,
is the bed really going?
No, no.
I just needed help with her.
But no one's going
to come out...
No one's going to come out
to help if you say,
"Can you come help me commit
a crime?"
No one's gonna help. So...
We, uh... That's why we
had to tell a little fib.
But we surely appreciate it.
And our lips are sealed.
- Later.
- Thank the men.
See you, Billy.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, fellas!
See you later.
God bless you. God bless you, James.
Thank you!
Thanks for the crime!
Now get your crap.
We got to hit the road.
All right.
Grandpa, do you think we'll
have time to go fishing?
Don't worry me with that.
Just get in the damn car.
I hope you went
to the bathroom already.
- Nope.
- "Nope"?
Well, you're gonna
have to hold it.
Can I turn on the AC?
Can I turn on the radio?
Let's just play the quiet game.
Can we get something to eat?
You're already eating.
But I'm hungry!
Anything to get
out of this car.
Hola, gorgeous! I gotta
feed this little prick.
Ooh, she is muy bonita, huh?
My goodness!
Grandpa, look at
that ride! Can I go ride it?
- What?
- Can I go ride that?
Yes. Shit.
Thank you.
Ah. What's your name?
My Spanish name
is El Mucho Ding-Dong.
It doesn't work!
Oh, God.
- Grandpa!
- What?
This thing doesn't work!
What do you want me
to do about it?
Fix it!
Can't you see
I was talking to a lady?
Yes, but look!
Did you put money in there?
Try it. It doesn't work.
Oh, God!
Oh, man.
Damn thing's broke.
- Come on.
- You put in 50 cents.
Oh! Ow! Ah!
Sit down, sit down.
- Oh, I'm all right!
- Sit down, sir.
Sit, sit, sit!
Are you okay, Grandpa?
Look what happened!
It didn't work!
Why'd you tell me
to get in there?
- No, it's not.
- Yes, I shouldn't have even been on there.
You ruined the store.
Why'd you tell me
to get in there?
'Cause I wanted you to fix it.
Well, it's fixed!
Sir, would you
please listen to me?
I want you to sit down
on a cushion until...
I want the ambulance
to check you out.
Listen, it is not your fault.
You are not over that weight limit.
Do you understand?
What weight limit?
There's no weight limit
on that thing.
Hey, I don't have a weight limit either.
If you know what I mean.
You could have broke my neck!
I didn't do anything!
I can't do it. I can't do it.
- Do what?
- This!
I can't do this.
I said I'd get you
to your father's,
but I didn't say how.
my leg's falling asleep!
Look, you little shitbird,
I'm not driving you
and you're too young
to ride the bus,
so you keep quiet in there!
You need some help?
- I think I got it.
- Okay.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
I'm going to send this
to Raleigh, North Carolina.
Raleigh? Okay.
Eighteen width.
- Forty-seven?
- Forty-seven.
- Forty-seven.
- Yeah.
- Damn it.
- Okay.
Oh, there's something
moving around in there.
- No. No.
- No?
There's something in that box!
There's nothing in the box?
It sounds like it!
I do hear stuff in here, but
it's not coming from there.
- Okay. Can we unstrap it?
- You mind if we unstrap it?
Yes... No, let's unstrap it.
Grandpa, I got to pee.
Keep it down.
It's a statue.
I have a statue in there.
It still has batteries in it
or something?
Yes, it has the batteries
in it still.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah, it's just one
of those kind
that you hit a button and it...
So we shook it.
Yeah, yeah.
Grandpa, I got to pee real bad.
It's a statue.
Are you sure?
It was settling.
It was settling.
Okay. All right.
Can we get it weighed?
Because I gotta...
You gotta get out?
Yes, and I appreciate
you girls...
Would you...
God, what are you doing?
We were shipping a human being!
Oh, my.
Oh, my!
We can't ship humans.
I'm trying to get him
to his father,
and I don't want to drive him.
Oh, my goodness!
- What's your name?
- Billy.
- You've had Billy for the school year?
- No, no.
- And he's going back for the summer?
- I just got him today.
- And you already want to send him back?
- You got him today!
Yeah, my wife passed.
- Aw! I'm sorry to hear it.
- Your grandmother?
Did he love Grandma?
- No.
- He didn't?
If you'd have met her,
you'd have felt the same way.
You think she died of
a broken heart?
- Heart attack.
- Well, I can tell you what she didn't die of.
Oh, my.
It'll get there overnight.
You know that they're
just gonna be
throwing you around
and everything, don't you?
Well, give me a pen and
we'll write "fragile" on it.
Are you sure
you want to do this?
You need a blanket?
- We can't ship a human!
- I'll take one.
You can if you didn't know
this happened.
I can't ship you.
You're... You're living!
Should we call the police
on them?
Oh, no! No police.
Just help me get him out of the box.
I'll take him.
Shit! Come on.
Been in this car all damn day!
I need a break.
Where are we going?
Grandpa's going
to play a little bingo.
- Can I come?
- No!
Look. They don't allow kids
and I'm going to be talking
to ladies in there.
And I don't need you
It's been a while
since I've played.
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
Good luck.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
- My name is O.Z.
- O.Z.!
- O.Z.
- All right!
Can I cheat off you?
O.Z., what do you say
we blow this joint
and go play
strip bingo outside?
Stop it.
That damn dauber's not...
God damn it.
Done spilled everywhere.
Stop the game. Stop!
Oh, my gosh!
I think this shit's
done gone bad.
Oh, my God!
He just drunk the dauber shit.
Oh, man! You can't do that!
Hell, no!
Stop? Hell, keep going!
You're making everybody sick.
No, come on, come on!
Let's go back
to the damn game, all right?
God damn! You guys
are driving me to drink!
I need a drink.
I got a damn margarita!
Who wants a margarita?
O.Z., half of this is for you.
How about a little fun, people?
Excuse me? Sir?
Can you tie my shoe, please?
Yeah, sure.
- Are you married?
- Yeah.
Are you happily married?
Yeah, I guess so.
Why do you ask?
I want a new dad.
Oh, do you? Yeah, sorry.
What's your name?
Hey, Dan, I got an idea.
How about me
being your new kid?
I don't know if it's really
quite that simple.
You know,
you can't really, uh...
You can't really trade kids
between families, can you?
Sure you can, Dad.
You know, when I was overseas,
when you would sleep with
a prostitute, they would
squeeze lime juice
on your schmeckle
to see if you had any diseases.
And if you went, "Ow!"
It means you got something,
'cause the cuts burn.
I never went, "Ow!"
But one time.
It's all cleared up now,
Ma'am, it's all cleared up.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
Just to prove to you I don't
have anything, ladies,
I'm gonna squeeze
this lime juice
on my schmeckle right now.
Oh, my God!
Why resist? Watch this.
Here it goes. Here it goes!
Nothing. Nothing.
- I got nothing.
- That is free advertising right there.
It did sting a little when
it got to my bunghole though,
I'll tell you that.
That's just between us girls.
I'm gonna have to
have that checked out.
Ha ha! Bingo!
Can someone check that
bingo for me, please?
You hush. You hush.
You hush, too.
No, I won't. I'm a grown man.
I can talk. I can talk.
I can talk.
The bingo is not possible because we
have no N, so we will keep playing.
Well, shit!
What happened to your dad?
Hey, Dad.
Yeah, what happened to him?
- No, you're my dad.
- Hmm?
High five, Dad.
Down low. Too slow.
Who are you here with?
You. My new dad.
Well, I'm not your new dad.
You're funny.
Hey, Dad,
look at me in the eye.
I love you.
Anyway, I need to, uh...
I got stuff I have to do,
so, uh... Be safe.
Love you, Dad!
Oh, here she is!
Here I am.
You want to buy some 22s?
- What are 22s?
- You wish you was 22.
They look like 36Ds to me.
No? 36 full Cs.
22s, that's what they are!
Can I use your pen?
Yes, you may, sweetheart.
All right! How you doing?
You know, you're pretty sexy.
Thank you.
I mean really sexy.
I have to take this up there.
All right.
What's your name, sweetheart?
I'm getting froze out.
Did you win any money at bingo?
You shouldn't drink so much.
Pipe down!
Oh, God.
Do you have any idea
how heavy you are?
Do you have any idea
how I don't give a shit?
Where are we going?
Just keep going straight.
- You getting tired?
- Yeah.
Are you an alcoholic?
No, I'm not an alcoholic.
I wouldn't be surprised
if you are.
Just had a couple too many.
Onward! Onward!
Oh, let's get something to eat.
Make a left.
Okay. Go here! No, Billy!
It's heavy.
No, push me this way.
Push me this way.
Lisa! Lisa, come
look at this.
He's drunk,
and he's drinking beer.
Oh, he got a six-pack.
- Push me.
- Oh.
We'd like some food.
Okay, what you need?
Chicken breast.
Any kind of breast.
Sir, you need some help?
Yes, I need some service!
Okay, well, you got to...
We'll get you served,
I need to push you over here.
We'll bring it out to you.
Need to get you away from here.
Let me push you over
to the side, okay?
Can you let go
of the thing there?
I'll push you over to the side.
- Okay, but...
- What do you want?
Do you guys serve beers?
No, we don't serve beer.
How about whiskey?
Um, no, we don't have
whiskey, either.
Sir, what do you have that's
good in there for a hangover?
To eat? I mean, greasy food
is always good.
But a hangover? Sleep.
He got to sleep it off.
Man, that girl
working the window,
she was nice-looking.
- She's nice-looking?
- Yeah.
Well, you just chill out here
for a minute.
We're gonna see
if we can get you some help.
Okay, we need some chickens
and a big side of poontang.
The poontang?
There's some inside.
Well, I want some to go.
Go hook that up.
He's stuck on Lisa.
That's what he want.
- Black bush gal?
- Lisa!
He said he wanted poontang.
He'll hook you up!
What? No, he don't.
Excuse me, honey.
That's what he's hollering.
That's what he wants, Lisa.
Honest to God, strike me dead.
Lisa, that man is 80 years old.
I turned around and I said,
"Did he say what
I thought he just said?"
You better go out there.
He is 80 years old
in a shopping cart.
Cut the man a break.
Siempre avante.
Know what that means?
Onward and forward.
You know, rubber on wheel
is faster than rubber on heel.
That's what Lightnin' Hopkins
You know who
Lightnin' Hopkins is?
What about Komodo dragons?
You know what those are?
You don't know
who Johnny Cash is?
Ask me what
the secret of comedy is.
What is...
Timing! Get it?
That's not funny?
Ugh. Tough room.
I love this song!
Uh, you're kind of...
Dirty bastard!
You okay?
Oh, God.
You all right, Grandpa?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Caught me right in the puss!
You want some ice?
You need me to get
some ice for you?
Yeah, maybe some ice.
My damn wife put these
in here and it...
Did you see the tuchas
on that one?
Should I get a basket?
No. We ain't gonna need one.
You like white bread?
Um... What are you doing?
Just go with it.
Are we going to get
in trouble for this?
No. If someone says anything,
just tell them
that your grandpa's old and
doesn't know what he's doing.
Ooh. You want turkey or ham?
All right.
Get you a lot.
Let's get some damn mustard.
- That's a lot of mustard.
- Eat it!
So I eat it quick,
so we don't get caught.
What's going on?
- What's going on?
- Yes.
You eating everything here.
- You don't pay yet.
- Huh?
You eating things here in
the store and don't pay yet.
- So he took that one.
- Please don't get mad.
He took this.
- And you put it there.
- No.
Yes, I saw.
It's in the camera.
Please don't get mad
at my grandpa.
He's old and he doesn't
know what he's doing.
What's going on?
Where am I?
You know what he's doing, baby.
You know what he doing
and you doing it with him.
Sometimes he shits himself.
No. You took that one.
And sometimes he sits in it
like a baby.
I don't shit myself,
you little prick.
- Sometimes he pisses the bed.
- Okay, you opened these...
- Do not!
- Do, too!
- Do not!
- Do, too!
- Do not!
- You opened the ham
and you don't pay.
- Can I have his...
- Close the doors.
I'm gonna call the police.
Can he have his chocolate milk
back, please, ma'am?
They won't notice a thing.
That's how it looks most
of the time anyway. Come on.
Come on.
Let's go quick.
Let's go quick.
Come on. Let's go this way.
Oh! Uh...
Thank you!
Get the hats! Get the hats!
Come on, come on!
Come on!
- What are y'all doing?
- Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- It was $3.99!
- Stop!
Yeah. Come on!
You're not going anywhere!
Leave us alone!
Leave us alone!
No. You're not going anywhere.
Hey, Billy, get in!
Start it up!
They're going to take
that child away from you.
I wish they would!
- Get back inside!
- I'm sorry.
Get your ass inside!
Ma'am, I'm sorry.
You are sorry!
You're sorry as hell!
No, I'm not gonna...
You're eating what you stole!
What am I supposed
to do with it?
You buy it!
- You pay for it.
- If I had money, I would.
You had enough money
to come in here
and the audacity to try
to steal from me.
These are
pretty good, by the way.
I don't give a shit.
I ought to stuff it down
your damn throat.
You're very pretty
when you're mad.
You're pissing me off!
You're very lovely
when you're mad.
You're pissing me off.
All right, come on.
All right.
- Okay.
- Ow!
I got her.
Ah, Jesus...
Here we go. Oh! Jesus.
It's all right.
She's already dead.
Yeah, she died a few days ago.
We're just bringing her in
'cause it's respectful.
Don't want to leave her
in the trunk.
All right.
Oh! Get in there!
Oh, shit.
Grandpa's going out for
a walk. You stay in the room.
See you later, old man.
Stay in there, damn it.
My grandson.
Hey, you don't know
where any, uh,
like, dance clubs or anything
like that are?
Like, with lots
of, uh, black ladies.
Oh, there's one on, um...
Richard Boulevard.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm really fond
- of the black ladies.
- Yeah.
Yeah. They used to call me
Jizzy Gillespie
- when I was younger.
- Oh, yeah?
Hey, get in the room!
Hello. How are you?
Hello, ladies!
Hey, grandpa, how you doing?
Good! How you doing, baby?
All right!
Hi, sweetheart.
Wow, you are nice-looking!
Thank you!
Can I get a Colt 45, please?
That thing's about like that!
Hey, big boy! Is this one of
them stripteaser shows?
That's perfect,
because I like to catch these
women when they're soggy.
So you boys do
a good job tonight,
- all right?
- Okay.
Get them all hot and bothered,
and I'm gonna try to swoop in
- and get me a little.
- Okay, okay.
Are you one of them dancers?
Yeah, I am.
I bet you got a pretty
big Tootsie Roll, huh?
Get the fuck away from me, man.
But I mean,
if you're a dancer...
I'm sorry, I was just...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
How are you ladies
doing down here?
Fine. How are you?
Good, good. I came here alone,
so I'm sorry
if I'm bothering you.
What made you come in here?
I don't know. I was walking,
- uh, down the street...
- Walking?
You weren't walking nowhere!
What you gonna do,
watch it or watch us?
I came to watch you girls.
You ladies are gonna
get all worked up,
and then hopefully old Irving
can swoop in there.
What's your name?
Maybe some of these ladies
will want a serving of Irving,
if you know what I'm saying.
That's right. Thank you.
Thank you, mama!
If you're ready
for the next entertainer,
everybody say, "I am!"
I am!
I love chocolate!
He's harder than a horseshoe!
I'm pretty loose right now,
but I could probably
get it going.
We want to see yours. We want
you to walk the red carpet.
You want to see mine?
Walk the red carpet.
I'll show her mine right now!
We're gonna make it
rain. Walk the red carpet.
I'm gonna go... I'm going
to walk the red carpet.
Yeah, I'm gonna shake it!
I don't know what
the fuck is going on.
Oh, oh...
Excuse me?
Have you seen my grandpa?
Your grandpa?
I think he's lost.
He's kind of an idiot.
Why is he an idiot?
'Cause he's lost, duh.
Does he have a cell phone?
He's probably drunk right now.
He went to a strip club
last night.
I don't know what to tell you,
son. Oh, gosh.
Excuse me? Excuse me?
Screw you.
Who you looking for?
I'm looking for my grandpa.
Your grandpa's not here.
Is he in the Champagne Room?
There's nobody in there.
- Let me check.
- No.
Let me just go check.
I told you.
He's like, persistent.
He wants to go in there.
And he's talking about
having a great time
in the Champagne Room
like, he's like, 21.
What's up?
- Is this an adult bookstore?
- Yeah.
Is my grandpa in here?
Is there somebody, like...
Is somebody, like,
watching you or something?
Did you get that shirt
at Tramps R Us?
Did you get that shirt
at Tramps R Us?
- No.
- Oh.
- How old are you?
- Eight.
What's your name?
When did you get here?
You're asking a lot
of questions for a stripper.
- What's your stage name?
- What?
What's your stripper
stage name?
I don't have a stage name.
I'm not a stripper.
I'll just call you Cinnamon.
- Cinnamon?
- What?
I look like a stripper?
Yeah. In a good way.
- In a good way?
- Oh, my...
Why don't you wait on me
and I'm gonna come, like,
take you to whatever
hotel you're at?
You don't need to be
out here by yourself.
You're gonna, like, get hurt.
There's a bunch
of crazy people out here.
your grandpa's one of them.
Bye, Cinnamon. I got to go.
No. And I'm not Cinnamon!
How you doing?
Rough night.
Where have you been?
Not now.
I've been worried!
What're we gonna do
with Grandma's body?
I don't know, buddy.
We met with someone
to discuss that,
but your grandma,
she wasn't very cooperative
that day.
Just said some nonsense about
throw her off a bridge
for all she cares.
You know what a woman likes?
A new fishing rod?
I can prove it.
You want to see?
- Sure.
- All right.
Hello, ma'am. You wouldn't
flatter an old man
by watching him do
a magic trick, would you?
Oh... That's good. All right,
keep your eye on the...
I'm going to make it disappear.
No charge, either.
'Cause I don't have any money.
There we go! Where'd it go?
- In your sleeve?
- No.
- What's that on your thumb?
- What?
Will you give me that?
Why don't you beat it?
But I want to stay with you.
Why don't you beat it?
Grandpa's got to
talk to some tail.
He's a little cooter stretcher
is what he is.
You, uh...
You from this town?
Yeah. Born and raised.
Born and raised. You're awful pretty.
My goodness!
Thank you.
A beautiful young lady
like yourself,
I have something for you.
Oh, Lordy.
Here we go.
You're, uh, so kind.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Those are for you.
They're specially scented.
I bet.
You got time for an old man
like me, maybe?
We can blow this garmooshky
and go chase around a little.
Not tonight I don't.
- Not tonight?
- No.
You on a lunch break?
You married?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, boy. "Married" married?
"Married" married to
a gun-toting police officer.
- Oh, God! Of all the luck.
- There you go.
- All right, good times.
- See ya.
If I had all the money
I spent on poontang,
you know what I'd do with it?
Spend it on poontang.
One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
One, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, eight...
Come on, you're a lefty.
You can be stronger than that.
I'm trying. I'm trying.
I'm trying.
It's because you're holding it
so close to the edge.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I see you have met my grandson.
Oh. My name is Irving. Oh.
I'm Lisa.
What was your name...
She's American.
You don't have to bow.
- What?
- You have a weird grandpa.
Where'd you go?
You told me to beat it
'cause you were gonna
talk to some tail.
I said I was... To...
I was going to beat it to go
deliver some mail.
Oh, jeez.
You are hotter
than a Puerto Rican picnic.
Oh, my God, thank you!
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, my goodness!
You babysit big boys?
I do, yeah.
I mean big boys like me.
- Oh. No.
- No?
Definitely not.
Oh, well.
You win some,
you lose some, kid.
- Nice to meet you!
- See you. Bye-bye.
- Wow!
- Goodbye.
That was a slower no
than I usually get.
You may be useful after all!
You ever play charades?
Oh, oh...
Excuse me?
My grandpa
can't talk that well,
but he says
you're very beautiful.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Uh... Okay. I need to go.
I need to go.
Oh, my God.
Grandpa wants to know
if you're married!
Excuse me, my grandpa
would like to say something.
He wants to know if
you want to smell his finger.
No, no. No, no, no.
No, no. No, no.
He wants to know if
you're doing anything later.
Takes an old hen
to deliver the goods.
Is that a no?
- Is that a no?
- Old chickens make good soup.
My grandpa
can't talk that well,
but he says
you're very beautiful.
How do you know
that's what he said?
What did he say?
He says you make him
feel young again.
Mmm. Mmm.
Do you know what he's saying,
or are you just
making stuff up?
- I know what he's saying.
- Does he seem crazy to you sometime?
Excuse me!
He wants to know where we can
get a hoagie around here.
A hoagie sandwich.
Hoagie sandwich.
Excuse me.
He says you look
like a nice Jew.
No, no, no, no...
Oh, he says
you have very nice shoes.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, nice.
Oh, we're just, uh...
We're just, uh, clowning
around. I'm trying to
teach him how to hit on women.
Oh, okay. I can kind of see
what was going on.
- How'd he do?
- You did very good.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
He's sweet. He's my grandson.
He goes to bed around
8:00 p.m. or so. So, uh...
After that,
I'm pretty much free.
No, I'm not... I'm not in the
market right now.
You know, I...
I might be too old
to stir the gravy,
but I can still lick the spoon,
that's for damn sure.
Well, good luck.
Oh. All right.
- We'll be right here.
- Okay.
All right, sweetie.
Good job, buddy.
Have you kissed a girl yet?
Was she your girlfriend?
How long
did you go out with her?
A day.
A day...
A day?
That sounds like
some of my relationships.
Get that damn thing
out of the way!
Jesus Christ!
Why would you put a penguin
right in my driving spot?
In your...
Sir, there's a curb there.
The driveways
are there and there.
Look, lady, get off my back!
I'm an old man.
What happened to
"the customer's always right"?
Yeah, but you ain't right about
running over the penguin.
Why would they put
the penguin in my spot?
You ran over the penguin.
You put a penguin in my spot!
You ran over the penguin!
What are you talking about?
Well, you don't have
to yell at me.
Can I get out?
Stay in the car, Billy.
And watch this.
You can't... Look, buddy.
You're not going anywhere.
You're fixing the thing.
That's all I'm telling you.
Oh, I'm going to eat.
You're not going anywhere.
Watch out for the penguin, sir!
No, I see it.
You already hit the penguin.
Listen to me, you're going to
fix that penguin, bro.
Whether you like it or not,
believe me,
you're gonna fix it.
I mean, if I was fixing it,
you'd see me fixing it, but...
I'm not fixing it.
Did you notice
how I wasn't fixing it?
I'm about to bust your ass.
Over a penguin?
Fucking leave
the penguin alone, bro.
I'm about to whip you, motherfucker.
Up your ass, bro.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get your doober.
Oh. Oh. I got your doober.
I got your doober.
- I ate your doober.
- You shouldn't be fucking driving anyway.
- Your fucking 85 years old.
- I got his doober.
- Thank God that wasn't a human being.
- I got his doober and he's mad.
Okay, I'm gonna fucking...
Oh! Atomic elbow!
Atomic elbow!
I did a little wrestling
myself in my younger days.
Are you fucking
kidding me, bro?
What? Atomic elbow!
Are you kidding me?
I loved that duo with the
butcher when I was younger.
Are you fucking
kidding me, man?
Why? It's
an atomic elbow.
That looks like the camel toe
in your pants!
Get it?
I said you had a vagina.
That's a vagina reference.
You're gonna fix
this fucking penguin,
whether you like it or not.
You understand?
One second.
I'm gonna say it...
Am not, am not!
You're gonna fix
this fucking thing.
Nope, nope.
You gotta ask yourself,
"What leverage do I have?"
Not much!
You're a fucking jerkoff,
you know that?
"You're gonna
fix that penguin!"
"No, you're gonna fix it!"
"You're gonna fix it!"
"No, you're gonna!"
Table for two?
Okay. Right this way.
I'd like to fix her penguin.
Want to see how red
I can get my face?
Oh, stop, stop, stop!
Oh, my God.
That was redder
than an ape's ass.
Watch your mouth.
Oh, sorry.
That was redder
than an ape's tuchas.
Do you like a lot of milk?
Oh, boy, do I!
I like chocolate milk
Yeah, Grandpa's got a taste
for that, too.
He used to have
a big taste for it.
Why doesn't my mom like me?
Your mom likes you, buddy.
Then why'd she
run away from me?
Mom's got to go away
for a little bit, and so...
I'm taking you to your dad
so he can look after you.
But I don't really like my dad.
Yeah, I don't like him
much either, buddy.
- Angel.
- Yes.
Earplugs, Billy.
What time do you get off?
- 9:00 o'clock.
- All right.
- All right.
- All right.
Check out the rear
bumpers on that one.
- Mmm. How's your food?
- Good.
How much butter
you gonna put on that?
I'm eating this one.
- You eat it raw?
- Yeah, why not?
Dear God.
I think
all this bacon
is getting to Grandpa.
Did you...
Did you just toot, Grandpa?
That was
a church house creeper.
I think I got one.
I think you need
to clean out your shorts.
Beat that.
Grandpa's tummy's hurting.
Let it out.
Try this one on for size.
- Oh, God.
- Ew, Grandpa,
you sharted!
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my...
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, ladies. Don't...
Don't look back there.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, God, that's...
Let's go, buddy.
Oh, no.
That guy stood up
on the chair part
and pooped on the wall.
- He what?
- And he pooped on the wall.
Oh, good shot. Good...
Take it again. Take it again.
Oh, Jesus.
All right.
You want some of this?
Why can't I just stay with
you instead of my dad?
'Cause that's not the plan.
We can change the plan.
How about this?
If I make this shot,
I get to stay with you
instead of my dad.
All right.
Get that out of here!
How about
we become tuna fishermen
and then move to Japan?
Oh, boy.
We'll get a fish market
and then we sell all tuna
and we'll be billionaires.
There is lots of tuna
in Japan, that's for sure!
That's the best idea
I heard in years, son.
Do you like to fish, old man?
I used to like to fish a lot,
but that was before.
Before what?
Before a dark day when
I caught my very own Moby Dick.
Oh, Lordy! Lordy!
A little help!
Oh, man!
Check out the nine iron
on this one.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
What is that? What is that?
It's a large-nose
carpet croaker!
Yeah. Okay.
After that,
I never ate fish sticks again.
Grandpa, I'm hungry.
You know what?
I may have a solution.
Are you sure
this is a good idea?
Of course it is.
You can get away
with most anything,
all you got to do is try.
Follow my lead.
Okay, folks, can we get
a picture here with everyone?
Can everybody back up
on this side a little bit?
Just kinda take
a couple steps back.
Keep going,
just a little bit more.
Look at this.
This is lovely!
Look at that.
- It's pretty, right?
- Yeah.
Sir, can you
back up out of the way?
I'm trying to take a picture.
Oh, oh! Oh!
Help him!
Are you okay, Grandpa?
Oh, my God!
Who pushed me?
I don't know.
I think you just fell.
Here. Got you some breakfast.
All right.
Hmm. What's today?
Bet we could've stirred up
some trouble here.
Damn shame I got to drop you
at your dad's tomorrow.
Oh, the hell with it!
Let's go have some fun.
Would you like to see
a magic trick?
I need a $20 bill as a prop.
And I'll give it
right back to you.
Allakazoo, allakastid...
Grab the stuff...
Let's beat it, kid!
Come on! Come on!
What are you doing? What are
you waiting on? Come on!
- Grandpa, the car!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Have a sip of beer
with Grandpa.
'Cause he should not
be drinking.
Grandpa, I'm fucking wasted.
What the hell was that?
You little cooter stretcher!
Wedgie, wedgie!
What's on your shirt?
Damn it. Ah...
Okay, my little wingman,
why don't you take
the big bed tonight?
- You deserve it.
- Thank you, Grandpa!
Settle down, now.
We got to get some sleep.
We got Raleigh tomorrow.
Night, Billy.
Grandpa, can we go
fishing tomorrow?
Sure, I promise maybe.
Oh, I think I hear
a flock of geese!
Oh, my God,
I think I just shit myself.
Good night, buddy.
I don't want to go
to my dad, though.
Well, I...
You got to. I can't...
Keep you.
I just can't do anything
with you right now.
But I'm sure your father
will, uh, do the right thing.
My son's grandfather
is dropping him off.
I ain't seen the boy
in three or four years.
- So, you know... Yeah.
- Really?
She took him
away from me, okay,
'cause so she could get, you know,
whatever, 'cause she got mad at me.
Child support.
Child support'll kill you.
Guess what? Now I'm getting
the child support.
You got any speed?
- Hey, man. How you doing?
- Hey, man.
- I'm Chuck.
- I'm Patrick.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, what's that...
- Oh, fuck, man.
- What's that, man?
What's up with the "GOC," man?
What's that, man?
No shit.
Well, what does that mean?
Organization, huh?
Come on.
There's the old prick
right now.
It's about time.
You get lost?
Hey, Chuck.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing, billy goat?
You want to give me a hug?
- Don't be afraid of me.
- Hey.
I know we had our differences
in the past,
but I'm gonna ask you right now
to please take care
of this boy.
He's all I have left.
Don't come at me...
Don't come at me
like I'm some kind of asshole.
Of course I'm gonna take care
of the little shit.
- He's my kid.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Just take it down, all right?
Just surprise me and don't be
a schmuck this time, okay?
We're all good.
Come here. Come here, buddy.
You be a good boy, okay?
All right?
I'm going to be checking in
on you a lot.
And I'm gonna
get word to your mom
that you're with
your father now.
And I'm gonna tell her
all the fun we had,
and all the cool things
you showed me.
Grandpa loves you very much.
Love you, too.
Good-bye, son.
Bye, old man.
Come on, Billy.
That's enough
of that horseshit.
Hop up here. There you go.
Get up here, little man.
Excuse me.
Just sit up here.
Here, take this bag off.
You don't need this.
Yes, sir.
That's good.
Thank you very much. I, uh...
I'm his grandfather
and unfortunately I have to
hand him back now.
I don't trust him.
Until his mom gets out of jail.
I'm sorry, sir,
I can't talk about it.
Please watch him!
Hi, Rick.
Dad, can we get some food?
I'll tell you what,
you can have a water.
Please, Dad, I'm hungry.
You don't need
to eat that. You're...
No, don't give him that.
I mean, he needs to lose
some weight. I mean, honestly.
Thank you.
Will you watch
the little fat boy?
I gotta go take a piss.
When someone disrespects me,
I wanna be able to go,
like, "DT, take him out."
Yeah, no. We're not that.
"DT, see that..."
Look at that that guy
eyeballing me over there?
Listen, if I start
some shit right now,
will you guys back me up?
'Cause this guy's been
eyeballing me all...
No, no, you're on your own.
We're here having a party.
That's all we are.
Yeah, damn.
That's what we're about, so...
Let's go fishing.
Let's go fishing, buddy.
What are you doing back here?
- He's going with me.
- Can we?
Yeah, you're coming with me.
Yeah, I don't want you
with him,
- all right?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa...
No, no.
Don't put your hands on him.
That's my son. I can put
my hand on him if I want to.
No, don't touch him.
You are his...
- You are a son of a bitch.
- I am his family.
You've been no father.
- Oh, yeah? Really?
- Yeah.
Come on, Billy. Let's go.
Just stay right there!
Don't listen...
Hey, he's staying right here.
- Come here, buddy.
- No, no, no. He's staying here.
- Back off!
- You back off!
He's not going with you.
He's coming with me.
- Do you understand?
- No, no, no.
- He's coming with...
- This is my meal ticket.
You're not fit to have him.
I'm not fit?
- Yeah, you're not fit...
- I'm not fit?
I'll fucking kick your ass!
- Get out of my face!
- All right, all right!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- I'll kill you!
- Easy. Easy.
Settle the hell down, man!
You ain't going
nowhere, buddy. Stop it.
You better let go of me, boy.
Let me get his bag. Where's my
grandson's backpack? Take your grandson.
Okay. He's okay.
I can't hack it with him!
There goes my 600 bucks!
What are you
talking about, man?
That kid is my 600 bucks
a month!
Come back here!
He's a hell of a lot
more than money.
- He's fixing to get hurt out there.
- I hear you, man.
You'll freaking get hurt,
Unless you die your damn self
then you better chill out.
All right, now, all right!
You got me, all right?
- That boy ain't no 600 dollars.
- I forfeit.
I forfeit.
You understand me?
I give up. I surrender.
Fine. Fine.
You wanna guard that kid?
You guard him.
He's got a guardian.
Go ahead and take off.
We'll keep him inside.
Thank you so much.
Bye, baby!
Have fun, okay?
You okay?
Yeah. You?
I'm okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, shit!
Sorry about the bikes!
Did you really think
I was going to leave you?
Kind of.
No way!
Well, what do you
want to do now?
I got an idea.
Hey, guys.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Good.
- All right...
- Wait.
Now, when we walk in that room,
your name is Lindsey Dill.
You're a pretty little girl,
so no farting and no swearing,
you got it?
Let's go win us some money.
All right. Come on.
Hi. Is it okay
if I interview you guys?
Doing a behind-the-scenes
video for the pageant.
Who are you?
Hi. My name's Jill.
Can I ask you some questions
for our camera?
Say, "Yes, ma'am"
but don't baby-talk.
So, how many pageants
have you been in?
I've probably been
in a thousand pageants.
And how many of them
did you win?
I won every single one!
- What?
- Every single one!
I'm supposed to talk.
It's competitive, it's a sport.
- And my friends...
- And so moms get...
You know,
they get into this competition
and if you're going to do it
and do it right...
What are you doing?
Stop, now. If you're going
to do it and do it right...
I mean, you've got to be
willing to be competitive.
And that's what happens,
you know?
Sometimes I think competition,
just like any other sport,
gets the best of everybody.
Well, thank you so much
for being here tonight
at the Carolina Cutie Pies
Young Miss Pageant.
And because this is such
a special night,
we have a special surprise
for you.
Tonight, for the winner,
we're going to
give away $5,000!
That's crazy!
But now, we want to get into
our beauty gown competition.
- Are you excited?
- I know. I love it!
This is so funny!
Contestant number one,
please come to the stage.
Looking very beautiful tonight.
This is contestant number 10,
Lindsey Dill!
Lindsey has blazing
blonde hair and hazel eyes.
Her hobbies
are football, fishing
and playing
with her sock monkey!
That must be
your proud grandpa.
Ladies and gentlemen,
contestant number 10,
Lindsey Dill.
That's my granddaughter.
Let's give her a hand!
Your daughter's so precious.
She's so precious...
She did really good.
I don't know if it'll be
good enough for first place,
but she did really good.
...Good Time by
Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen.
So, how do you think the
competition's going so far?
Do you think you have
any stiff competition?
Is that weird?
We've just never seen it,
so it's different.
And this is
contestant number 10.
Everyone, Lindsey Dill!
My Bonnie lies over the ocean
My Bonnie lies over the sea
My Bonnie lies over the ocean
Please bring back
my Bonnie to me
Come on.
Shit. Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it
for Lindsey Dill.
Grandpa, what'd you
think of my dancing?
I loved your dancing.
You were Ginger Rogers
and Fred Astaire
all rolled into one.
Gimme five.
school starts on Tuesday.
Hell, that's when
the ponies start running.
What do you say
I get you to school on Friday?
All right!
All right.
Does this look
like a good spot?
This looks like
as good a spot as any.
Here we go!
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, thanks, buddy.
You sure we should do this?
This is what she wanted.
You got any final words
for your grandma?
Bye, Grandma.
Bye, Ellie.
Let's start fishing.
Let's fish.
I call black one!
You got the black one?
Okay, I got the red one.
I got to pee-pee.
You got to pee-pee?
Well, dangle that little thing
through the railing
and let her rip.
But point it that way out of
respect for your grandmother.
Man, get the fuck away from me.
What did I do?
Can I get a hug? Dad?
That wouldn't be appropriate,
big guy.
He says you have
a fat kitty cat.
- Jiggle my shoulders!
- I tried to do it!
Jiggle my... Ow!
Jiggle! Jiggle!
What does he look like?
He's got a moustache,
big head, tall, um,
and he smells like old farts.
Listen, old man.
I ain't fucking young.
I'm 45 years old. I'll fucking
tune you up. All right?
Mmm-hmm. Yep.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Listen up, listen up!
The gentleman you just saw in
here was Mr. Johnny Knoxville
and we are shooting a movie.
Thank you, everyone,
for putting up with me tonight,
and thank you
for not beating me up.
- High five!
- High five!
Why were you wearing a bra?
"Why were you
wearing a bra?"
For my dance.
Well, that was inappropriate!
Doris, what did you think?
My mother's
not gonna like this!
We're shooting a movie.
No way!
You've got to be kidding me!
Oh, my God!
I just did all of that and...
Oh, my God!
And a rusty trombone
for my grandpa.
A rusty trombone
for your grandpa, huh?
Well, I need
to take your picture
to see if you're on
a milk carton somewhere.
What do you think?
Don't hurt me!
Hurt you? I'm 86 years old.
Don't hurt me!
Billy! Billy!
What is a whore?
Oh, boy. Uh...
Oh, boy, that's a tough one.
All right, here we go.
Poof! I'm an old prick now.
Oh, yeah? Get a load of this!
My mommy loves crack almost
as much as I love fishing.
I'm sorry,
what did you just say?
Can I help you?
Talk more like an old man.
- Me?
- Yes.
Yeah, he sounds like
Johnny Knoxville.
I hate this job.
I fucking hate you!
This is a camera,
in there.
That's a camera.
I think there's a camera here
Talk to that.
Okay, and when...
Hi, how are you?
Oh, look at me!
I look beautiful!
That's one ugly bitch.
It's interesting. Every time
I work with these guys,
I'm either in a casket
or around a casket.
I like standing here.
And I like standing here.
But my favorite spot is here.
- Come on.
- Get away.
I may be too old
to stir the gumbo,
but I can still lick
the ladle, that's for sure.
In my opinion, ladle-licking
is more important
than gumbo-stirring anyway.
Oh, I can lick my eyebrows.
Get out!
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
- Okay.
- Oh, man.
Big finish.
What's going on here?
Get out of here, asshole.
We have to bring in
your stunt double.
- Thank you.
- You gotta be shittin' me, man!
I'm sitting there looking, I'm
like, "What is up with this?"
Are you serious?
You guys are
so sweet to look after Billy.
- Oh, my God!
- How are you?
Oh, I'm sorry, Kelman.
My Bonnie lies over the ocean
My Bonnie lies over the sea
My Bonnie lies over the ocean
So bring back
my Bonnie to me