James Austin Johnson: He'll Yeah (2026) Movie Script
1
- I'm a gym rat.
I'm a gym rat.
I was at the gym for five hours today.
Woo.
- What day isn't today? Thursday.
Thursday's penis day.
Friday's legs.
Saturday's penis day.
Sunday's legs again.
Monday, the balls.
Tuesday's penis day.
Wednesday's legs again,
Thursday's penis day.
Now,
you might be asking
yourself, James, when's arms?
What do you think I'm
doing on penis day, oh boy?
Give it up.
Ba, ba, ba!
You and me, pal, same kind of stuff.
We like the same kind of stuff.
I won't bother you anymore.
- [Voice-Over 1] He'll yeah.
- I'm getting older.
Getting older is in the news.
I'm getting older.
Man, I can't fall asleep anymore
without getting up five
more times to jack off.
Come on, brother, one more time.
Ba, ba, ba!
I said I wasn't gonna bother you
and I came right back to you.
It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone and I need you now
Said, sa-gan-dow
And I dapping up a dude
in the front ass row
Because I'm doing jokes
about touching my penis
I just need you now
Bow!
I'm from Nashville, Tennessee.
Anybody ever been?
Come on. There's some
White women in the crowd.
I know you've been to Nashville. Come on.
See y'all go to the bachelorette parties.
Trooping off of the Southwest flight
in the matching bachelorette party.
Neon pink T-shirt say some
bachelorette party on.
I'm like, David, that's not even...
You know, whatever it says. Nevermind.
See all these people come in,
enjoy the homeless people
that we have in Nashville
who are so talented.
You know what?
If you're gonna live in
the streets of Nashville,
you better be able to shred
that mandolin, brother.
I had a little altercation
with a homeless man recently in New York.
Thought I'd tell you guys about it.
It was very interesting.
Went down like this.
"Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?"
I've seen you. Oh, I know you.
I've seen you before.
I got a third eye.
And every day, I see you come
around. See you come around.
I see through my third eye,
my chakra, it opens up.
I see you come around the corner.
That was Michelle Obama was
there and Mark David Chapman.
I remember the day, it was
Stephen King killed John Lennon.
It wasn't Mark David Chapman
because day Stephen King came up in a van,
he came out, and he playing
a "Catcher in the Rye" there.
He said, John Lennon, the body.
And then, me and him,
we was in the Todd Rundgren cover band.
We just turned around with Todd,
doing Todd Rundgren covers.
And I cast you out. You were there too.
I cast you out, demon.
I cast you out on the name
of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I cast you out.
And the homeless guy was
like, "Okay, nevermind.
I will seek resources elsewhere.
Thank you."
You ever been playing a video game
and your guy gets into some fire?
Okay. So, this is a video
game guy burning alive.
Maybe the health is going down by two
for some reason.
When will you be engulfed?
- Well, James is not a well man.
You need to know that.
We share a hotel room.
Every night,
he makes me watch old YouTube
clips of his stand up.
Jokes I've seen a thousand times.
It's like, we get it.
- Going on the road with somebody,
like being their opener is
like a a sacred bond, you know?
He's like, he really unites people.
He just gives, he knows how to
give a crowd what they want.
- I ain't even doing Trump tonight.
- Oh.
- Fuck you. Fuck you.
No, I'm not.
I'm gonna do 20 minutes of diarrhea stuff,
take off all of my clothes,
and walk off the stage.
When you were a kid, you didn't
have to worry about puberty
or impressing people, or
girls because they were icky.
Yeah, I had many a friend
die on the playground
because of cooties.
Trying to figure out like
where you guys are at.
You know what I'm talking about?
I mean, politically,
I don't really know what
the mood of the room is.
So, I can do this joke
and this will just help me lock in
and then see what stuff to do.
I was with my wife in the
living room the other day
and she was looking around.
She said, "I think I want to
do an accent wall in here."
I said, accent wall?
Isn't that what the illegals
are crawling under every day
to fill this nation with drugs and crime?
Okay.
Sort of a hard right audience.
Cool.
- It can be hard to shot
for James just based on,
you know, his punchy belly
and his question mark posture
and the big nose, you know.
Our time together, it's
mainly spent on his nose.
It takes a long time because
his nose is really big.
One time, he comes up to me and he's like,
"Do these loafers make my nose look big?"
I have to be honest.
Like, of course it does. They do.
- You know, one of the other agents
was saying to me the other day, you know,
"James is such a hot shot."
And I said to him, what
the are you talking about?
James is not just a hotshot.
James is a super stud.
James is a Hollywood pimp.
God, I wish I had more studs
like James on my roster.
ATM machine with skin.
- It is kind of funny
to think at one point,
Joe Biden was getting
attacked for being woke.
Trump just being like,
"He's woke. He's so woke."
Yeah. Joe Biden's real woke.
That's the wokest kind
of guy I can imagine.
A 99-year-old Catholic billionaire.
The wokest kind of guy
that's coming to mind.
Remember when Biden would try to pander
to that side of his base,
how garbled it would sound
coming out of his mouth?
"This morning I was
speaking with a Black guy
and gay.
It was gays.
Most pro-gay, most pro-gay president,
history of the country.
We're not gonna go back.
No, I was in Philadelphia.
Went down to see the picket
line of some striking baristas.
There's a little guy
there with purple hair.
Told me, he said
that Starbucks corporate
didn't respect his identity as a lesbian.
I said, that stops today, little guy.
It's okay. Okay, gay.
It's okay, gay.
Asian, Chinese.
Starts today.
We move forward together.
Starts now, tomorrow.
We begin today."
I really do miss that.
I missed his speeches.
You know what I'm talking about?
We had so much of Trump for four years.
Oh, this guy talks and talks
and talks, and he doesn't read.
He can't read, Donald Trump.
We're sick of that.
And in 2020, we said, we want
the exact opposite of that.
I am so tired of having a guy
who can talk, he can't read.
Give me a guy who can read, he can't talk.
And we had Joe Biden.
You knew Joe Biden read
the paper in the morning.
He just couldn't prove that to you
at speech time.
This poor man, we made him read so many,
all this data to us.
"It's one in four kids. It's like 5%.
It's down 5% since 1971.
So, it was reducing emissions.
By 2036, down 43%."
Cranking it up. This is good data.
I want to hear what he's saying.
I can't understand it.
It's on 100. He's like
getting quieter now.
"So, food It's completely insolvent.
Chairman of the House Judiciary fine.
It's not fair."
Then, he starts that
screaming and yelling,
and cursing shit out of no...
"I said, goddammit.
Fuck that. Not today."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Too loud.
"There's a Biden speech where
I'm squealing and yelling.
Here's a Biden speech
where I'm whispering.
My eyes were wide.
You can do better."
His mom always had a saying.
That's what I really miss about Joe Biden.
All of his mom's sayings.
Could be breaking ground on a
factory in the middle of Ohio,
his mom had a saying about that.
"Folks, today reminds me
something my mom told me.
Sat me down at breakfast
tables in Pennsylvania.
Said, 'Joe,
the opening of this DuPont
chemical textiles plant,
it's gonna bring 11,000 jobs.
11,000 jobs to Central Ohio
make us competitive with our allies.
Germany, our allies in Taiwan,
our allies in Arizona.'"
But I don't get any of
that political stuff.
That's not what I'm here
to talk about tonight.
- It's a synthetic.
And he said you gotta
take the bobby pins out.
And then, you gotta just shake it around.
He told me this is gonna look-
- It looks better with the bobby pins out?
- Like shake it out, you know.
- And this is from LA.
- [Zach] This is from LA.
I think you got to just have it on
and see what it looks like.
And I think that's gonna
really hammer it home for you.
- Looks like Gayle King.
That wig looks like
It's a really looking wig.
This is for YouTube.
- This bit is gonna be 90 seconds long.
Just put on the wig
- This was supposed
to be the whole thing.
- and do the bit.
The whole thing?
- The whole thing
is for this.
- Who told you that was a good idea?
- No, me.
Everybody knows who David Fricke is.
- [Zach] Nobody has any
idea who David Fricke is.
- [James] He's the senior editor
of "Rolling Stone".
- I know that.
- I'm really upset.
- There's like seven dudes
who know who David Fricke is.
You're gonna make a
special for seven people?
- If that's what it takes.
People are gonna think I look like a girl.
- I think that's just the
plastic hat that it's on
that makes it look
like no one's gonna think
you look like a girl.
You don't have the
complexion to pull that off.
- You don't think people
are gonna think I'm a girl?
- No.
- I don't want to look like a girl.
- Everybody, put your hands together
for the "Rolling Stone" editor
and rock music critic, David Fricke.
- Not since the days of Red Skelton
have we seen a more high-performing,
dynamic, fast-growing,
or high-flying comedian.
And fly he did.
You know, there are
some who say that comedy
is under attack, that men
can't say anything anymore.
Even that comedy is illegal.
All of that is true.
But it ignores one important fact
that James Austin Johnson
is here to save us,
to save comedy.
Okay, look, the live experience.
Oh, before I do that, did you guys hear
that Jerry Seinfeld is
doing movie scores now?
- What?
- Yeah, this is true.
Jerry Seinfeld, he's
doing movie scores now.
He's composing music for movies.
The first one
that he's doing is set in
the war in Afghanistan.
And this first piece
is from an establishing
shot of the desert.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Y'all ever been to regular church?
Scrimmages.
Three on three pickup church.
Shirts versus skins church.
Church just because.
Well, it's Sunday.
I went to so much regular church as a kid.
And you know what?
When you are at regular church,
when you're not there
on Christmas or Easter,
one of the big ones, you're
there with the dead heads.
They have heard "Amazing
Grace" a million times.
They're not interested in the hits.
They want to hear B-sides
and rarities, you know?
They're reaching real deep in the hymnal.
You're not even sure
what you're hearing is
theologically sound in any way.
I was at church with my
parents in Nashville recently.
We heard this song.
You guys can tell me
if this is a real song
because I couldn't tell.
It went like this.
He's got a big black box and
we're all cramming inside
Come on, cram inside, Jesus
Big black magic box
There's not a lot of room
So we'll have to scrunch together
Come on, scrunch up inside,
Jesus, big black box
And He's gonna pick
up the big black box
And He's gonna shoot it at the moon
And we're gonna party on
the moon with Jesus Christ
Then, we'll have to rush
quick, get back in the box
Because we'll quickly
deplete our oxygen
And we'll live out our remaining hours
In the darkness with our Lord
A real song. Anybody know?
- [Jackie] For the love of God, James,
when I first met you, I
thought this was cool!
I thought, oh, a funny guy.
Hilarious.
- Mm.
- Now, I can't stand-
- Well, it's No Nut November.
- Should I wear these
or does it look like I got me threed?
We met on a Reddit, like
a subreddit for Nazarenes
who were really into indie sleaze.
And we both went to these
like tiny Christian colleges.
- Driven by a goth girl.
I break for goth girls.
- We're both kinda like nerds,
but just about things
just off center from like actual nerdo.
- Everybody keeps going on and
on about big titty goth GF.
Well, what about big personality goth GF?
- I mean, and now we both
do comedy, which is awesome.
- Bow your heads with me.
Oh Lord, won't You make me a spaceship
Won't You let me ride
all around Your Milky Way
Why is nobody singing with me?
Won't You bury me
There's an old saying
that all musicians think they're funny
and that all comedians
just want to be musicians.
Show me where the little Martians play
And then, there are some
people who blend both of those.
Oh, holy priestess, won't
you take my ass to tattooing
Is James Austin Johnson
one of those people?
Show me where you hid
those Death Star plant
Probably not.
This is Robin Williams seeing boobies.
Robin Williams sees a topless woman.
What does that sound like? Here we go.
Oh, oh.
There you go.
Oh, oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, yes.
It's not your fault.
Donnie, it's not your fault.
- He was a great roommate.
He was a fine roommate.
25, upstart, just showed up
to LA not too long ago,
was living in a closet.
Not in like that sense.
Like he was, he's fine.
He's straight, last time I checked.
Very funny, very weird.
Made a lot of noises.
- Somebody told me recently
that I look like a picture
of a grandfather from when he was young.
- We had a good time back in the day.
LA was a different city.
It was a different city.
It was a different James.
Way more dangerous.
He's great now.
He actually made all these
wigs for me, every single one.
I don't know where he got the hair from.
He never told me.
I hadn't had a new wig
since I last saw him
and hopefully he's still making wigs.
- Before television,
before television as a concept
entered my life,
I was a singer/songwriter
in Nashville for many years.
This is a part of my life
not a lot of people really
know that much about.
Let's see, I was 38 in 1999. I'm 64 now.
I know it's not the
funniest part of the show.
Maybe it's a little self-indulgent,
but it's a piece of my life I
like to share with audiences.
But what I was doing was
always more sort of roots,
kind of roots rock,
sort of more on the Americana
kind of roots, country music.
I don't know about country music.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, like pop country.
I don't really get into
this pop country crap.
Do you guys know?
You guys know what I'm talking about?
I don't really get into
this pop country crap.
Do you guys like country
music, by the way?
- Woo.
- Woo.
- [Attendee 2] Yeah.
- I heard one really quiet, "No."
"No."
Even in Nashville, I'll ask if people,
especially in Nashville,
I'll ask if people like country music,
I'll get some, "No!"
"No!
The rising tide that has lifted
all boats in this economy?
No!"
You ever see people on like Facebook
or dating apps, say,
"I like all music except rap and country?"
All music? Zamba.
Chicago House. Electro Clash.
Philip Glass, John Cage.
A guy playing a harpsichord in
a Rococo ballroom by himself.
I like all music.
I like all music except
when White people tell me
about their problems and achievements
and Black people tell me
about their problems and achievement.
I do not want to hear
what's going down in a rural
or urban environment.
Do not give me any poetry
about either the mean
streets or the back roads.
I like regular roads.
Suburban roads.
But yeah, I don't really
get into this pop country.
I don't know. this pop
country stuff, I don't know.
Do you guys like this pop country stuff?
I don't really get into all that stuff.
It was Luke Bryan and
Zach Bryan and Bryan Zach
and Zach Luke and Luke Zach,
and Brian, I don't know.
Pop country? I don't know.
I don't get into pop country.
- Morgan Wallen.
- Morgan. Yeah.
Morgan Wallen and Wallen
Morgan and all these.
I don't know. I can't keep
all these names straight.
I don't know.
I just don't get in this pop c...
You know, my stuff was always more roots,
kind of roots, sort of
Americana kind of roots.
Sort of a gloom and doom kind of folky,
sort of roots kind of thing, you know,
more in that sort of Smithsonian Folkways
sort of meets Lomax Phillip,
the Lomax Recordings kind of Delta.
More newgrass than bluegrass,
but definitely old time.
Definitely in that old
time jam sort of feel.
"O Brother, Where Art Thou?" soundtrack
kind of by way of "Cold
Mountain" soundtrack.
Sort of Civil War ballads kind of sound.
You know what I'm talking
about? More roots.
Americana kind of roots sort of thing.
I don't know, this pop
country stuff. I don't know.
I just don't, I can't get
into this pop country.
You know what I'm talking about?
You know, these guys...
Do a little shot
Tequila shot, vodka shot, gin
shot, White Zinfandel shot
Pino Grigio shot, Grassy Sancerre shot
Pet Nat shot
Do a little bump, say a little prayer
Smoke a little rock, do a little crack
Tie off a little band
Shoot a little
Snort a little horse,
smoke a little rock
Do a little dance
Suck a little deck
I don't know.
Do you guys, I don't
get in this pop country,
pop country stuff.
I know it's not the
funniest part of the show.
Maybe it's a little, eh, self-indulgent,
but it's a piece of my life I
like to share with audiences.
I was talking to my mentor,
Jimmy Webb, about it,
and I was like, Jimmy,
why am I not getting any
traction in this industry?
And he's like, "Well,
you know, the industry,
you know, you're not quite what
the industry's looking for.
You know, your stuff is,
honestly, it's more roots,
kind of roots rock,
more in that Americana kind
of roots sort of sound,
more gloom and doom, kind of folky,
kind of Civil War ballads,
kind of folky, dirt in the
ground kind of sound, you know?"
He was like, "You know, if
you meet the industry 15%,
they'll meet you the other 75."
And I knew that if I was able to do that,
that I would have, not necessarily a hit,
but like something, you know,
something to show for my time.
And I had a lot of fun.
I had a lot of fun writing music
before my whole television career got off.
And I know it's not the
funniest part of the show.
Maybe it's a little self-indulgent,
but it's a piece of my life
and I like to share with audiences.
I did have one commercial success.
It was actually a commercial.
It was a commercial jingle
for a business there in Nashville.
And it was really,
really important development in my career.
I got to do a little bit of my thing,
which is more
kind of like roots sort of
Americana kind of sound.
And it was a little bit for
them, which was exciting.
And they wanted me to do my thing.
And I got like airplay on
country radio in the middle...
By the way, was anybody in
the middle Tennessee area
around 1998, '99, might have heard this?
- Yee-haw.
- But this is awesome.
So, this is really exciting.
why don't I just sing it for you guys now?
If I sing it for you guys now,
then we are like all aware
of what I'm talking about
and I'll just sing it for you guys now.
So, this is a jingle for
business there in Tennessee.
A little bit of my thing,
a little bit what the
industry was looking for.
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Please, woman, won't you eat
Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me
That's our show.
Zach, get up here.
- Guys, that's James Austin Johnson.
Thank you guys all for
hanging out and watching.
We are here every Wednesday around 9:30.
We'll see you next week. Bye.
When we started together in LA,
he used to say stuff like,
"When I make it,
it'll be my mission to
make sure that you don't."
- I guess in this new hour
and the old hour, I wrote all the,
all just all like the hard
set up punchline stuff.
He doesn't have a lot of time,
so he kind of farms
those out to his friends.
I think that's cool.
I guess I have written
some of the riff stuff.
We write the riff parts ahead of time.
You probably think that you
are better now, better now
You only say that
'cause I'm not around
- And a lot of the voices are mine.
He did buy those for me.
I used to do those voices.
I just got bored with those
and I needed the money.
So, I got really into
Pai Gow for a second.
You ever play Pai Gow?
- And now, for my most famous impression,
what comes up when you Google me?
James Austin Johnson wife.
James Austin Johnson nose.
James Austin Johnson Christian.
James Austin Johnson wife.
James Austin Johnson Trump.
James Austin Johnson Bob Dylan.
We did it, gang.
We did it. Y'all did it.
I have talked about Bob
Dylan enough in my comedy
so that now I am forever associated
with the greatest
singer-songwriter of all time.
Yeah.
Greatest singer-songwriter of all time.
One of those words is incorrect.
I love Bob Dylan's vocals,
but can we call it singing?
Is it singing?
Or is it something else?
Something even better?
Something even better than singing.
Is it doing this kind of thing?
I don't think I've ever
heard anybody sing that way.
I've gone back and I've listened to some
of the Bob Dylan protest music
and it is the vaguest shit.
I love Bob Dylan,
but he wasn't being very
politically prescriptive.
It's almost like he doesn't understand
how anything works in the government.
Dude, turn up the Bob Dylan protest song.
Oh, this one's really good.
And all you politicians
doing whatever it is you do
I hope you write a law for
me with y'all golden quill
And the leaves blew
lightly through the church
Let all the politicians
ride their horses into DC
They go up there
And they write a bunch
of sins up on the wall
That doesn't happen, but I love you, Bob.
He sang at the March on Washington.
I think that's pretty cool.
But I just don't think
that Bob's legacy is
like as a political guy.
You know what I mean?
I think Bob Dylan, what Bob Dylan gave us
is skinny little creepy,
little White guy acoustic rock.
That's Bob Dylan's legacy.
There is a direct line
from Bob singing at
the March on Washington
all the way to Jack Johnson going...
Shaka-luka-leyla, meka-bale, la, bakis
Yes, I would love to do the
"Curious George" soundtrack.
Bob would've done it in his position.
The next time you are at a Peet's Coffee
and you hear Jason Mraz
scatting on the PA,
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
that's Bob Dylan's fault.
We said that music can be
when a creepy little White guy
is a creepy little bird
man who can kinda sing.
We said that was sexy.
That's what Bob Dylan broke wide open.
Creepy little, dirty little
poppers are sexy now.
Nasty, nasty, filthy little bird men
get to be sexy now.
Oh, but it's not about,
it's not about how beautifully you sing.
It's about if you believe
what you're singing.
You know, there's a great Otis
Redding quote about Bob Dylan
where he said, "White
boy sounds like shit,"
and I've never forgotten that.
And Otis didn't have to say that.
Otis didn't have to say that.
I do think he was sexy at one point.
I mean, I love "Love Minus Zero/No Limit".
That's a sexy song.
My love she speaks like silence
Without ideals or violence
She doesn't have to say she's faithful
Yet she's true, like ice or fire
Beautiful.
I think it's a beautiful song.
I heard him sing it a month ago.
Yes, Bob Dylan in his 80s is touring.
And you know what?
I like it,
but some of the people in
the audience didn't like it.
They are used to musicians
who have taken care
of their instrument with
the utmost dedication.
And Bob Dylan, you know what?
Bob Dylan is not Josh Groban, okay?
So, just get over that
Sometimes growing up as a rockstar
doesn't mean getting to bed on time
and drinking enough water.
Sometimes being a legacy
act like Bob Dylan
means eating hot sandwiches late at night,
screaming through your nose
at the top of your lungs
in dry arenas every
single night since 1978,
blasting rails with Kris Kristofferson,
painting your face bone white.
And you know what?
If you just stick with that plan
and you do that every night for 50 years,
what do you think's gonna
happen to your voice?
It's gonna sound awesome.
I think Bob Dylan sounds awesome
because you know what's awesome?
Vampires.
Hissing beetles.
Cool shit. Snakes!
Bob Dylan sings like a snake!
I saw him sing the exact same song
and he really does straight
up sound like a French vampire
who just woke up from an extended nap
in an oven on self-clean
for about 500 years.
I love the sound of his vocal tone now.
My love she speaks like silence
Without ideals or violence
She doesn't have to say she's faithful
Yet she's true, like ice or fire
People carry roses
And make promises by the hours
Lightning shouting out of his fingertips.
My love she laughs like the flowers
Bob sings like he's trying
to kill Harry Potter.
And one of these days, he's gonna get him.
One of these days,
he's gonna get that
little lightning birthmark
son of a bitch.
Harry Potter, I'm gonna kick your ass.
I'll go on down to that Ministry of Magic
and kick over Harry Potter's ass.
- [Jackie] Where are you right now?
You turned your location
off. That's some freaky
I don't even remember what you look like.
And by the way, when I did remember,
you should get LASIK, okay?
If you even still,
if you still even have money to pay for it
after all your fricking little figurines
and that you buy.
That's the only type of
you know about is nerd
- [Attendee 3] How did you meet your wife?
- How'd I meet my wife?
It was, let's see.
I was at Home Depot
and just looking for tail.
- People just don't get him.
He's a lady killer.
King of a super studs.
And God, he's a super
stud, lady killer pimp.
- [Blair] Loser bitch, loser bitch,
bitch loser, loser bitch.
- Thank you, Blair.
- Okay, you guys,
thank you so much.
Have a good day.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- See you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- This call
is no longer being recorded.
- [James] All right. Awesome.
A lot of good stuff in there.
- Hell yeah.
But my quiet nights will be spent long
- Ah. Where my dogs at, huh?
Where the fricking fellas at?
I know that it's, you know,
we're in Mig's company.
And I get it, we've made
a lot of great strides,
but real quick, where's my
dudes at right now, huh?
That feels good.
Feels a little too good.
Ugh, men need therapy.
What if that's the therapy?
What if the therapy is we all get together
in a big warehouse
somewhere, Brooklyn, maybe,
stripped to the waist, just
start barking at each other.
Ladies, this first joke
is just for the fellas.
So, sit this one out. All right?
Can the guys have one thing?
Except every executive position
at any company since the
beginning of currency.
Where my dogs at?
There are more guys in here than that.
CAA gave me a binder.
They said I skew male.
And I want that represented
on this next one.
Where are my dogs at?
Cool.
Fellas, you ever out walking
around on a hot, sticky day
and you're so far from your home,
but you have to use the bathroom.
And no, not the fun one
where you get to stand up.
And you're so far from home.
You're at a farmer's market or something.
So far away.
Why did we come here?
I know it doesn't just happen to me.
Doesn't feel good.
Hopefully you're in a nice neighborhood,
somewhere with a dependable,
clean single staller.
You're not always able to know
that you're gonna have
the little toilet condom,
the little horseshoe,
where you whip it out
and then the little
tongue sort welcomes you.
Right this way, sir.
Still are sparkling.
Right here, right by the window
where you always like it.
You don't always get that.
Sometimes you're in a real piece of
nasty, ugly, disgusting bathroom
and you've got to rip out 17
individual strips of paper
and then lay them out
like you work at a casino.
Oh, here comes the river.
This is the real insult.
Then, you got to do the
"Dune" sandwalking dance,
as you scooch up, try not to
trick the spirit of the flusher
from sucking all your
hard work down the hill.
Feel good about what you
did, think you can sit down,
but then you remember
that it was a hot day.
That water's just a little bit higher
than you thought it was gonna be.
Your balls are just a little bit lower
than you thought they were gonna be.
You just kissed the top of that water.
You just kissed the top of that water.
It shocks you. You drop your pipe.
Your meth goes everywhere.
Is it just me?
One more time, huh, brother?
It's no secret that the show
is different every
single night on the tour.
What you think I'm doing
on penis day, oh boy?
Give it up. Ba!
Pow.
When you have an infinite
supply of material to pull from.
What you think I'm doing
on penis day, oh boy?
Give it up. Ba!
What you think I'm doing on
penis day, oh boy? Give it up.
What you think I'm doing
on penis day, oh boy?
Give it up. Ba!
On penis day, oh boy.
Give it up. Ba!
I'm doing on penis day,
oh boy? Give it up.
Give it up. Ba, ba.
It's what Bob Dylan does
on the Never Ending Tour
and it's what James Austin Johnson does
on whatever you'd call this.
Whatever the hell this is.
- The crowds are just silent
until the penis material comes out.
We can all relate to having a penis
or we all know somebody who has a penis.
I don't know who Bob Dillman is.
- I like doing impressions of Louis CK.
I been a big fan of Louis
for most of my life.
Not so much as comedy's
behavior towards women,
but some of the comedy's good,
but this is my Louis CK.
I have two daughters.
I have two daughters.
This is Louis CK with
50 cents in his pocket.
I have two quarters.
It's and and and it's
This is Bluey CK.
I have two dog daughters.
Okay.
I gotta do some real
Get out of here.
Okay, this character's
called Dumb Coroner.
All right, here we go.
Let's see if you guys like this.
Yeah.
Yeah, this bitch died of, um, uh, um, uh.
I don't remember.
Ex-expiciation.
Dumb Coroner.
I don't know if anyone
besides Billy Bob Thornton
lives up to the term mother
the way that Brian Cox does.
He is Logan Roy from "Succession".
This manipulative, conniving tycoon guy
makes his kids do all these
demeaning, awful things.
He's also in real life is
also the voice of McDonald's.
So, I just though it'd be fun
if Brian Cox was doing a McDonald's ad
and he just like forgot
what character he's
supposed to be playing.
Cool off this summer by
coming into McDonald's
and getting a 3.99 McFlurry.
And then, lick it up from the floor
like a doggy prick.
I said, get down on all fours
and lick it up like a little piggy.
On the floor!
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba
Go yourself.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah. That's fun.
Can you open that for me real quick?
Still holding my microphone.
Come on, dog. Come on.
Bark it up. Bark it up
for my dog right now.
Thank you, sir. Thank you so much.
- [Attendee 4] Hell yeah, brother.
- He'll yeah.
Thank you.
I like when you're typing
hell yeah in your phone
and it auto-corrects it to he'll yeah.
Makes me feel like my
phone's one of my boys.
You know what I'm talking about?
See you at "Weapons" later?
"He'll yeah.
I wanna know what the secret
is in the movie "Weapons".
I want to know what the thing is."
Who's at a James Austin Johnson show?
A disconcerting amount of boomers. Okay.
Or are there any hot chicks there? Sure.
Are they all married
to the ugliest men you've
ever seen in your life?
Yes.
So, who are these people?
- [Attendee 5] What's
your favorite Dead song?
- My favorite Dead song?
I'm not super into the Grateful Dead.
You know which one I like?
It was that one where Jerry
was just kinda noodling.
That one where he's just like...
Be, de, bo, doop, ba-bo
Cu-dep, bep, bo, doop, doop,
dep, ba-doop, bo, doo, doo
- [Attendee 6] Yeah.
- It's probably my favorite Dead song.
The one where Jerry was going off.
I'm having a lot of fun.
- [Attendee 7] Ringtone please.
- What's that?
- [Attendee 7] Ringtone.
- Ringtone? Oh, Bob Dylan's
cell phone on vibrate?
I'm getting a request from
an audience member, guys.
And I really wanna give
him what he paid for.
Real quick.
So, Bob Dylan, he goes into a meeting,
puts his phone on vibrate.
What does that sound like? Here we go.
Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh,
heh, heh, heh, heh.
Freedom.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Most of the country is very psyched
about new shows dropping
on Paramount Plus.
Billy Bob Thornton's got one
on Paramount Plus right
now called "Landman".
Hey, hey, listen, dude,
you're gonna have to move this helicopter.
You can't park this chopper here
because Texas Senate
just passed a HB21683,
says that you can't park a chopper
within half a mile of a
The rough, and my, and I,
because I don't have time for this guy.
I gotta go deal with my
liberal daughters being sexual.
My daughter's being sexual right now.
What the
The DEA is crawling up my ass
and you're crawling down my in my mouth.
Whoa
I think that's really what
gets me the most hyped
is the trailers,
because in the trailers, you're like,
this show's gotta be so good.
Every two seconds,
there's a cool White guy
looking at a lot of land real grumpy.
Aggressive Christian rock kicks in.
Whoa
Ah
This is like, it's a genre of music
that is only in trailers
for shows for dudes.
This very aggressive
style of Christian rock
where the singer is always telling you
all that mean Jesus is about to do to you.
Whoa
Jesus going ahead on your wife tonight
Jesus gonna turn you into a snake
Hey, what the hell, dude?
He's, there's no, I, I got, yeah,
I got a big problem with you
and I got an even bigger
problem with this guy
because if you guys don't move this truck,
I don't know if you heard
that the Texas Senate
just passed HB2186183,
says you can't park a
truck in my driveway.
Now, you better get the out here
because I gotta go talk to Jon Hamm.
Whoa
Jesus
Did you guys hear
that Paul Giamatti's
getting one of these shows?
Character actor Paul Giamatti
from "Sideways" and "The Holdovers".
Yeah.
He's got a Taylor Sheridan
show coming down the pipe.
It's true.
Whoa
Ah, I was going to ask
you to move your truck,
but Catherine Keener's
character's not texting me back.
Whoa
End of bit.
Whoa
- [Jackie] Oh, I just
checked your Instagram
and you added another date?
Wow, that's great.
I have nobody to fix the
Fisher-Price kitchen!
The kids are screaming at me.
My vibrator broke.
You know, when was the
last time I got reeled?
I don't know. I'm an absentee
The children, the children
are always around me.
I never get to get away from the children.
What am I keeping abs and a tight ass for?
I don't even think a huge hog
is gonna make up for your personality
and the fact that you barely even exist.
- I feel like that bird over there.
Kinda alone
and, you know,
next to the lake,
thinking.
And not necessarily an artist,
but just looks like a
really thoughtful bird.
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Please, woman, won't you eat
Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me
Y'all ever think about like if...
Y'all ever, like, think of...
Let me see if anybody else
has this kind of, thinks
about this kind of thing.
Y'all ever think about if the president
is gonna start talking
about you specifically?
People are going to start bothering you
at your home and
Y'all ever think about that kind of thing?
The president might start piping up
about who you are specifically
and what you do specifically?
That'd be crazy.
- [Kev] If James gets
targeted unnecessarily,
- I'm just gonna be chill.
- you know, that might be
necessary for us business-wise.
- You know, if you found out
that he was on some kind
of list or something,
it's the kind of thing
you could make a show poster out of.
God, that's dark.
- One, two-
- I will miss him.
- Ba.
- Like that emotion that I'm feeling,
there is money to be made
from that in other people,
if that makes sense.
Like missing someone,
then you like buy that's like,
oh, I'm signing up for the new Crackle.
- I hope nothing happens to me,
but I'm looking
at the different places
that I can move into.
And I think that the medium
with the most of a future
is FM radio, I think.
Like if I'm just looking
at what's growing,
it's got to be FM radio.
I just keep heart rates down.
Coming up next.
Staying in The Police,
"Every Breath You Take".
Stay with us.
Adult-oriented rock radio DJ,
would be a pretty good path for me.
I think it would be fun.
I think I can queue up the
same Stevie Wonder song over
and over for the rest of my life.
Every day, 2:35, not even one
of the good Stevie Wonder songs, you know?
That's what those guys' job is.
My favorite like adult
contemporary station
that I listen to
when I'm driving around
in my truck in Nashville,
they keep playing seriously at like 3:15,
the same Stevie Wonder song over and over.
It's that one where he's like...
That girl thinks that she's so bad
It's like, Stevie Wonder,
why do you care if a girl is pretty?
You're married.
You made a promise, asshole.
Pervert.
Stevie wonder's an asshole.
Stevie wonders an asshole.
Can't do it?
I think my favorite
thing that radio DJs do
is that quiet desperation in their voice
where they try to sell you on an event
that they're setting up a little tent at.
Always trying to get you to come out
to the worst block party
you've ever heard of.
If you're looking for something fun
to do on the Labor Day weekend,
why don't you bring the family down
to the Hotel Mouse Parade?
Come see us at the WPNA tent
at the Hotel Mouse Parade.
I'll be there with Sandy,
with Candy, with Dennis.
Come around about 4:30 AM. We'll be there.
We'll be giving away dethong sandals.
These are sandals where the thongs
have been kind of taken out,
so they just flap around
on the bottom of your feet
like a fish that's been
recently taken from it.
So, it's the Hotel Mouse Parade.
I'm gonna be there with Sandy,
with Candy, with Dennis.
We're gonna be setting
up a little tent there.
Why don't you come and
visit us at the WPNA tent?
At the Hotel Mouse Parade, Hotels.
You find the
you get to stay for free at Hotels.
I love the
You know, I found the
the last two times I stayed there.
The first time I stayed
there, I did not find it.
And my clothes smelled like that
for a couple weeks afterward,
but it's always been a great experience
to go to a Hotel.
And is this, by the way,
this is the Hotel Mouse Parade.
It's the only mouse parade for 500 miles.
We're gonna see these mice
marching a little line
to some of the music of John Philip Sousa.
That's gonna be a lot of fun.
So, come on down to the Hotel Mouse Parade
and join us at 3:00 PM
for the 40 over 40 green juice chug-off.
This is 40 men in tight white tank tops,
tight tighty whities, 40 men over 40.
We're gonna be chugging warm green juice
on a hot black top when
the sunset at Zenith.
So, come down and cheer them on
with special guest celebrity judges,
Sean Spicer and KT Tunstall.
That's gonna be a lot of fun.
I am really, really excited to see that.
That is gonna be a great, great time.
Coming up next,
"Black Horse and Cherry
Tree", KT Tunstall.
Stay with it.
Woo-hoo
I'm James. That's the end of my show.
Thank you so much.
James Austin Johnson,
good night. Thank you.
My huge dick is a blessing and a curse.
A blessing because I have a huge penis.
People seem to like that.
And a curse because it's haunted.
It's literally a curse.
Somebody told me recently
that I look like a picture
of a grandfather from when he was young.
What the hell does that mean?
I have no clue what
that means specifically.
I'm a genius.
I'm a genius, genius artist.
I have two daughters.
I have two daughters.
First joke, subways, it's...
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Please, woman, won't you eat
Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me
- [Voice-Over 2] I've been eating owls.
- I'm a gym rat.
I'm a gym rat.
I was at the gym for five hours today.
Woo.
- What day isn't today? Thursday.
Thursday's penis day.
Friday's legs.
Saturday's penis day.
Sunday's legs again.
Monday, the balls.
Tuesday's penis day.
Wednesday's legs again,
Thursday's penis day.
Now,
you might be asking
yourself, James, when's arms?
What do you think I'm
doing on penis day, oh boy?
Give it up.
Ba, ba, ba!
You and me, pal, same kind of stuff.
We like the same kind of stuff.
I won't bother you anymore.
- [Voice-Over 1] He'll yeah.
- I'm getting older.
Getting older is in the news.
I'm getting older.
Man, I can't fall asleep anymore
without getting up five
more times to jack off.
Come on, brother, one more time.
Ba, ba, ba!
I said I wasn't gonna bother you
and I came right back to you.
It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone and I need you now
Said, sa-gan-dow
And I dapping up a dude
in the front ass row
Because I'm doing jokes
about touching my penis
I just need you now
Bow!
I'm from Nashville, Tennessee.
Anybody ever been?
Come on. There's some
White women in the crowd.
I know you've been to Nashville. Come on.
See y'all go to the bachelorette parties.
Trooping off of the Southwest flight
in the matching bachelorette party.
Neon pink T-shirt say some
bachelorette party on.
I'm like, David, that's not even...
You know, whatever it says. Nevermind.
See all these people come in,
enjoy the homeless people
that we have in Nashville
who are so talented.
You know what?
If you're gonna live in
the streets of Nashville,
you better be able to shred
that mandolin, brother.
I had a little altercation
with a homeless man recently in New York.
Thought I'd tell you guys about it.
It was very interesting.
Went down like this.
"Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?"
I've seen you. Oh, I know you.
I've seen you before.
I got a third eye.
And every day, I see you come
around. See you come around.
I see through my third eye,
my chakra, it opens up.
I see you come around the corner.
That was Michelle Obama was
there and Mark David Chapman.
I remember the day, it was
Stephen King killed John Lennon.
It wasn't Mark David Chapman
because day Stephen King came up in a van,
he came out, and he playing
a "Catcher in the Rye" there.
He said, John Lennon, the body.
And then, me and him,
we was in the Todd Rundgren cover band.
We just turned around with Todd,
doing Todd Rundgren covers.
And I cast you out. You were there too.
I cast you out, demon.
I cast you out on the name
of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I cast you out.
And the homeless guy was
like, "Okay, nevermind.
I will seek resources elsewhere.
Thank you."
You ever been playing a video game
and your guy gets into some fire?
Okay. So, this is a video
game guy burning alive.
Maybe the health is going down by two
for some reason.
When will you be engulfed?
- Well, James is not a well man.
You need to know that.
We share a hotel room.
Every night,
he makes me watch old YouTube
clips of his stand up.
Jokes I've seen a thousand times.
It's like, we get it.
- Going on the road with somebody,
like being their opener is
like a a sacred bond, you know?
He's like, he really unites people.
He just gives, he knows how to
give a crowd what they want.
- I ain't even doing Trump tonight.
- Oh.
- Fuck you. Fuck you.
No, I'm not.
I'm gonna do 20 minutes of diarrhea stuff,
take off all of my clothes,
and walk off the stage.
When you were a kid, you didn't
have to worry about puberty
or impressing people, or
girls because they were icky.
Yeah, I had many a friend
die on the playground
because of cooties.
Trying to figure out like
where you guys are at.
You know what I'm talking about?
I mean, politically,
I don't really know what
the mood of the room is.
So, I can do this joke
and this will just help me lock in
and then see what stuff to do.
I was with my wife in the
living room the other day
and she was looking around.
She said, "I think I want to
do an accent wall in here."
I said, accent wall?
Isn't that what the illegals
are crawling under every day
to fill this nation with drugs and crime?
Okay.
Sort of a hard right audience.
Cool.
- It can be hard to shot
for James just based on,
you know, his punchy belly
and his question mark posture
and the big nose, you know.
Our time together, it's
mainly spent on his nose.
It takes a long time because
his nose is really big.
One time, he comes up to me and he's like,
"Do these loafers make my nose look big?"
I have to be honest.
Like, of course it does. They do.
- You know, one of the other agents
was saying to me the other day, you know,
"James is such a hot shot."
And I said to him, what
the are you talking about?
James is not just a hotshot.
James is a super stud.
James is a Hollywood pimp.
God, I wish I had more studs
like James on my roster.
ATM machine with skin.
- It is kind of funny
to think at one point,
Joe Biden was getting
attacked for being woke.
Trump just being like,
"He's woke. He's so woke."
Yeah. Joe Biden's real woke.
That's the wokest kind
of guy I can imagine.
A 99-year-old Catholic billionaire.
The wokest kind of guy
that's coming to mind.
Remember when Biden would try to pander
to that side of his base,
how garbled it would sound
coming out of his mouth?
"This morning I was
speaking with a Black guy
and gay.
It was gays.
Most pro-gay, most pro-gay president,
history of the country.
We're not gonna go back.
No, I was in Philadelphia.
Went down to see the picket
line of some striking baristas.
There's a little guy
there with purple hair.
Told me, he said
that Starbucks corporate
didn't respect his identity as a lesbian.
I said, that stops today, little guy.
It's okay. Okay, gay.
It's okay, gay.
Asian, Chinese.
Starts today.
We move forward together.
Starts now, tomorrow.
We begin today."
I really do miss that.
I missed his speeches.
You know what I'm talking about?
We had so much of Trump for four years.
Oh, this guy talks and talks
and talks, and he doesn't read.
He can't read, Donald Trump.
We're sick of that.
And in 2020, we said, we want
the exact opposite of that.
I am so tired of having a guy
who can talk, he can't read.
Give me a guy who can read, he can't talk.
And we had Joe Biden.
You knew Joe Biden read
the paper in the morning.
He just couldn't prove that to you
at speech time.
This poor man, we made him read so many,
all this data to us.
"It's one in four kids. It's like 5%.
It's down 5% since 1971.
So, it was reducing emissions.
By 2036, down 43%."
Cranking it up. This is good data.
I want to hear what he's saying.
I can't understand it.
It's on 100. He's like
getting quieter now.
"So, food It's completely insolvent.
Chairman of the House Judiciary fine.
It's not fair."
Then, he starts that
screaming and yelling,
and cursing shit out of no...
"I said, goddammit.
Fuck that. Not today."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Too loud.
"There's a Biden speech where
I'm squealing and yelling.
Here's a Biden speech
where I'm whispering.
My eyes were wide.
You can do better."
His mom always had a saying.
That's what I really miss about Joe Biden.
All of his mom's sayings.
Could be breaking ground on a
factory in the middle of Ohio,
his mom had a saying about that.
"Folks, today reminds me
something my mom told me.
Sat me down at breakfast
tables in Pennsylvania.
Said, 'Joe,
the opening of this DuPont
chemical textiles plant,
it's gonna bring 11,000 jobs.
11,000 jobs to Central Ohio
make us competitive with our allies.
Germany, our allies in Taiwan,
our allies in Arizona.'"
But I don't get any of
that political stuff.
That's not what I'm here
to talk about tonight.
- It's a synthetic.
And he said you gotta
take the bobby pins out.
And then, you gotta just shake it around.
He told me this is gonna look-
- It looks better with the bobby pins out?
- Like shake it out, you know.
- And this is from LA.
- [Zach] This is from LA.
I think you got to just have it on
and see what it looks like.
And I think that's gonna
really hammer it home for you.
- Looks like Gayle King.
That wig looks like
It's a really looking wig.
This is for YouTube.
- This bit is gonna be 90 seconds long.
Just put on the wig
- This was supposed
to be the whole thing.
- and do the bit.
The whole thing?
- The whole thing
is for this.
- Who told you that was a good idea?
- No, me.
Everybody knows who David Fricke is.
- [Zach] Nobody has any
idea who David Fricke is.
- [James] He's the senior editor
of "Rolling Stone".
- I know that.
- I'm really upset.
- There's like seven dudes
who know who David Fricke is.
You're gonna make a
special for seven people?
- If that's what it takes.
People are gonna think I look like a girl.
- I think that's just the
plastic hat that it's on
that makes it look
like no one's gonna think
you look like a girl.
You don't have the
complexion to pull that off.
- You don't think people
are gonna think I'm a girl?
- No.
- I don't want to look like a girl.
- Everybody, put your hands together
for the "Rolling Stone" editor
and rock music critic, David Fricke.
- Not since the days of Red Skelton
have we seen a more high-performing,
dynamic, fast-growing,
or high-flying comedian.
And fly he did.
You know, there are
some who say that comedy
is under attack, that men
can't say anything anymore.
Even that comedy is illegal.
All of that is true.
But it ignores one important fact
that James Austin Johnson
is here to save us,
to save comedy.
Okay, look, the live experience.
Oh, before I do that, did you guys hear
that Jerry Seinfeld is
doing movie scores now?
- What?
- Yeah, this is true.
Jerry Seinfeld, he's
doing movie scores now.
He's composing music for movies.
The first one
that he's doing is set in
the war in Afghanistan.
And this first piece
is from an establishing
shot of the desert.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Y'all ever been to regular church?
Scrimmages.
Three on three pickup church.
Shirts versus skins church.
Church just because.
Well, it's Sunday.
I went to so much regular church as a kid.
And you know what?
When you are at regular church,
when you're not there
on Christmas or Easter,
one of the big ones, you're
there with the dead heads.
They have heard "Amazing
Grace" a million times.
They're not interested in the hits.
They want to hear B-sides
and rarities, you know?
They're reaching real deep in the hymnal.
You're not even sure
what you're hearing is
theologically sound in any way.
I was at church with my
parents in Nashville recently.
We heard this song.
You guys can tell me
if this is a real song
because I couldn't tell.
It went like this.
He's got a big black box and
we're all cramming inside
Come on, cram inside, Jesus
Big black magic box
There's not a lot of room
So we'll have to scrunch together
Come on, scrunch up inside,
Jesus, big black box
And He's gonna pick
up the big black box
And He's gonna shoot it at the moon
And we're gonna party on
the moon with Jesus Christ
Then, we'll have to rush
quick, get back in the box
Because we'll quickly
deplete our oxygen
And we'll live out our remaining hours
In the darkness with our Lord
A real song. Anybody know?
- [Jackie] For the love of God, James,
when I first met you, I
thought this was cool!
I thought, oh, a funny guy.
Hilarious.
- Mm.
- Now, I can't stand-
- Well, it's No Nut November.
- Should I wear these
or does it look like I got me threed?
We met on a Reddit, like
a subreddit for Nazarenes
who were really into indie sleaze.
And we both went to these
like tiny Christian colleges.
- Driven by a goth girl.
I break for goth girls.
- We're both kinda like nerds,
but just about things
just off center from like actual nerdo.
- Everybody keeps going on and
on about big titty goth GF.
Well, what about big personality goth GF?
- I mean, and now we both
do comedy, which is awesome.
- Bow your heads with me.
Oh Lord, won't You make me a spaceship
Won't You let me ride
all around Your Milky Way
Why is nobody singing with me?
Won't You bury me
There's an old saying
that all musicians think they're funny
and that all comedians
just want to be musicians.
Show me where the little Martians play
And then, there are some
people who blend both of those.
Oh, holy priestess, won't
you take my ass to tattooing
Is James Austin Johnson
one of those people?
Show me where you hid
those Death Star plant
Probably not.
This is Robin Williams seeing boobies.
Robin Williams sees a topless woman.
What does that sound like? Here we go.
Oh, oh.
There you go.
Oh, oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, yes.
It's not your fault.
Donnie, it's not your fault.
- He was a great roommate.
He was a fine roommate.
25, upstart, just showed up
to LA not too long ago,
was living in a closet.
Not in like that sense.
Like he was, he's fine.
He's straight, last time I checked.
Very funny, very weird.
Made a lot of noises.
- Somebody told me recently
that I look like a picture
of a grandfather from when he was young.
- We had a good time back in the day.
LA was a different city.
It was a different city.
It was a different James.
Way more dangerous.
He's great now.
He actually made all these
wigs for me, every single one.
I don't know where he got the hair from.
He never told me.
I hadn't had a new wig
since I last saw him
and hopefully he's still making wigs.
- Before television,
before television as a concept
entered my life,
I was a singer/songwriter
in Nashville for many years.
This is a part of my life
not a lot of people really
know that much about.
Let's see, I was 38 in 1999. I'm 64 now.
I know it's not the
funniest part of the show.
Maybe it's a little self-indulgent,
but it's a piece of my life I
like to share with audiences.
But what I was doing was
always more sort of roots,
kind of roots rock,
sort of more on the Americana
kind of roots, country music.
I don't know about country music.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, like pop country.
I don't really get into
this pop country crap.
Do you guys know?
You guys know what I'm talking about?
I don't really get into
this pop country crap.
Do you guys like country
music, by the way?
- Woo.
- Woo.
- [Attendee 2] Yeah.
- I heard one really quiet, "No."
"No."
Even in Nashville, I'll ask if people,
especially in Nashville,
I'll ask if people like country music,
I'll get some, "No!"
"No!
The rising tide that has lifted
all boats in this economy?
No!"
You ever see people on like Facebook
or dating apps, say,
"I like all music except rap and country?"
All music? Zamba.
Chicago House. Electro Clash.
Philip Glass, John Cage.
A guy playing a harpsichord in
a Rococo ballroom by himself.
I like all music.
I like all music except
when White people tell me
about their problems and achievements
and Black people tell me
about their problems and achievement.
I do not want to hear
what's going down in a rural
or urban environment.
Do not give me any poetry
about either the mean
streets or the back roads.
I like regular roads.
Suburban roads.
But yeah, I don't really
get into this pop country.
I don't know. this pop
country stuff, I don't know.
Do you guys like this pop country stuff?
I don't really get into all that stuff.
It was Luke Bryan and
Zach Bryan and Bryan Zach
and Zach Luke and Luke Zach,
and Brian, I don't know.
Pop country? I don't know.
I don't get into pop country.
- Morgan Wallen.
- Morgan. Yeah.
Morgan Wallen and Wallen
Morgan and all these.
I don't know. I can't keep
all these names straight.
I don't know.
I just don't get in this pop c...
You know, my stuff was always more roots,
kind of roots, sort of
Americana kind of roots.
Sort of a gloom and doom kind of folky,
sort of roots kind of thing, you know,
more in that sort of Smithsonian Folkways
sort of meets Lomax Phillip,
the Lomax Recordings kind of Delta.
More newgrass than bluegrass,
but definitely old time.
Definitely in that old
time jam sort of feel.
"O Brother, Where Art Thou?" soundtrack
kind of by way of "Cold
Mountain" soundtrack.
Sort of Civil War ballads kind of sound.
You know what I'm talking
about? More roots.
Americana kind of roots sort of thing.
I don't know, this pop
country stuff. I don't know.
I just don't, I can't get
into this pop country.
You know what I'm talking about?
You know, these guys...
Do a little shot
Tequila shot, vodka shot, gin
shot, White Zinfandel shot
Pino Grigio shot, Grassy Sancerre shot
Pet Nat shot
Do a little bump, say a little prayer
Smoke a little rock, do a little crack
Tie off a little band
Shoot a little
Snort a little horse,
smoke a little rock
Do a little dance
Suck a little deck
I don't know.
Do you guys, I don't
get in this pop country,
pop country stuff.
I know it's not the
funniest part of the show.
Maybe it's a little, eh, self-indulgent,
but it's a piece of my life I
like to share with audiences.
I was talking to my mentor,
Jimmy Webb, about it,
and I was like, Jimmy,
why am I not getting any
traction in this industry?
And he's like, "Well,
you know, the industry,
you know, you're not quite what
the industry's looking for.
You know, your stuff is,
honestly, it's more roots,
kind of roots rock,
more in that Americana kind
of roots sort of sound,
more gloom and doom, kind of folky,
kind of Civil War ballads,
kind of folky, dirt in the
ground kind of sound, you know?"
He was like, "You know, if
you meet the industry 15%,
they'll meet you the other 75."
And I knew that if I was able to do that,
that I would have, not necessarily a hit,
but like something, you know,
something to show for my time.
And I had a lot of fun.
I had a lot of fun writing music
before my whole television career got off.
And I know it's not the
funniest part of the show.
Maybe it's a little self-indulgent,
but it's a piece of my life
and I like to share with audiences.
I did have one commercial success.
It was actually a commercial.
It was a commercial jingle
for a business there in Nashville.
And it was really,
really important development in my career.
I got to do a little bit of my thing,
which is more
kind of like roots sort of
Americana kind of sound.
And it was a little bit for
them, which was exciting.
And they wanted me to do my thing.
And I got like airplay on
country radio in the middle...
By the way, was anybody in
the middle Tennessee area
around 1998, '99, might have heard this?
- Yee-haw.
- But this is awesome.
So, this is really exciting.
why don't I just sing it for you guys now?
If I sing it for you guys now,
then we are like all aware
of what I'm talking about
and I'll just sing it for you guys now.
So, this is a jingle for
business there in Tennessee.
A little bit of my thing,
a little bit what the
industry was looking for.
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Please, woman, won't you eat
Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me
That's our show.
Zach, get up here.
- Guys, that's James Austin Johnson.
Thank you guys all for
hanging out and watching.
We are here every Wednesday around 9:30.
We'll see you next week. Bye.
When we started together in LA,
he used to say stuff like,
"When I make it,
it'll be my mission to
make sure that you don't."
- I guess in this new hour
and the old hour, I wrote all the,
all just all like the hard
set up punchline stuff.
He doesn't have a lot of time,
so he kind of farms
those out to his friends.
I think that's cool.
I guess I have written
some of the riff stuff.
We write the riff parts ahead of time.
You probably think that you
are better now, better now
You only say that
'cause I'm not around
- And a lot of the voices are mine.
He did buy those for me.
I used to do those voices.
I just got bored with those
and I needed the money.
So, I got really into
Pai Gow for a second.
You ever play Pai Gow?
- And now, for my most famous impression,
what comes up when you Google me?
James Austin Johnson wife.
James Austin Johnson nose.
James Austin Johnson Christian.
James Austin Johnson wife.
James Austin Johnson Trump.
James Austin Johnson Bob Dylan.
We did it, gang.
We did it. Y'all did it.
I have talked about Bob
Dylan enough in my comedy
so that now I am forever associated
with the greatest
singer-songwriter of all time.
Yeah.
Greatest singer-songwriter of all time.
One of those words is incorrect.
I love Bob Dylan's vocals,
but can we call it singing?
Is it singing?
Or is it something else?
Something even better?
Something even better than singing.
Is it doing this kind of thing?
I don't think I've ever
heard anybody sing that way.
I've gone back and I've listened to some
of the Bob Dylan protest music
and it is the vaguest shit.
I love Bob Dylan,
but he wasn't being very
politically prescriptive.
It's almost like he doesn't understand
how anything works in the government.
Dude, turn up the Bob Dylan protest song.
Oh, this one's really good.
And all you politicians
doing whatever it is you do
I hope you write a law for
me with y'all golden quill
And the leaves blew
lightly through the church
Let all the politicians
ride their horses into DC
They go up there
And they write a bunch
of sins up on the wall
That doesn't happen, but I love you, Bob.
He sang at the March on Washington.
I think that's pretty cool.
But I just don't think
that Bob's legacy is
like as a political guy.
You know what I mean?
I think Bob Dylan, what Bob Dylan gave us
is skinny little creepy,
little White guy acoustic rock.
That's Bob Dylan's legacy.
There is a direct line
from Bob singing at
the March on Washington
all the way to Jack Johnson going...
Shaka-luka-leyla, meka-bale, la, bakis
Yes, I would love to do the
"Curious George" soundtrack.
Bob would've done it in his position.
The next time you are at a Peet's Coffee
and you hear Jason Mraz
scatting on the PA,
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
that's Bob Dylan's fault.
We said that music can be
when a creepy little White guy
is a creepy little bird
man who can kinda sing.
We said that was sexy.
That's what Bob Dylan broke wide open.
Creepy little, dirty little
poppers are sexy now.
Nasty, nasty, filthy little bird men
get to be sexy now.
Oh, but it's not about,
it's not about how beautifully you sing.
It's about if you believe
what you're singing.
You know, there's a great Otis
Redding quote about Bob Dylan
where he said, "White
boy sounds like shit,"
and I've never forgotten that.
And Otis didn't have to say that.
Otis didn't have to say that.
I do think he was sexy at one point.
I mean, I love "Love Minus Zero/No Limit".
That's a sexy song.
My love she speaks like silence
Without ideals or violence
She doesn't have to say she's faithful
Yet she's true, like ice or fire
Beautiful.
I think it's a beautiful song.
I heard him sing it a month ago.
Yes, Bob Dylan in his 80s is touring.
And you know what?
I like it,
but some of the people in
the audience didn't like it.
They are used to musicians
who have taken care
of their instrument with
the utmost dedication.
And Bob Dylan, you know what?
Bob Dylan is not Josh Groban, okay?
So, just get over that
Sometimes growing up as a rockstar
doesn't mean getting to bed on time
and drinking enough water.
Sometimes being a legacy
act like Bob Dylan
means eating hot sandwiches late at night,
screaming through your nose
at the top of your lungs
in dry arenas every
single night since 1978,
blasting rails with Kris Kristofferson,
painting your face bone white.
And you know what?
If you just stick with that plan
and you do that every night for 50 years,
what do you think's gonna
happen to your voice?
It's gonna sound awesome.
I think Bob Dylan sounds awesome
because you know what's awesome?
Vampires.
Hissing beetles.
Cool shit. Snakes!
Bob Dylan sings like a snake!
I saw him sing the exact same song
and he really does straight
up sound like a French vampire
who just woke up from an extended nap
in an oven on self-clean
for about 500 years.
I love the sound of his vocal tone now.
My love she speaks like silence
Without ideals or violence
She doesn't have to say she's faithful
Yet she's true, like ice or fire
People carry roses
And make promises by the hours
Lightning shouting out of his fingertips.
My love she laughs like the flowers
Bob sings like he's trying
to kill Harry Potter.
And one of these days, he's gonna get him.
One of these days,
he's gonna get that
little lightning birthmark
son of a bitch.
Harry Potter, I'm gonna kick your ass.
I'll go on down to that Ministry of Magic
and kick over Harry Potter's ass.
- [Jackie] Where are you right now?
You turned your location
off. That's some freaky
I don't even remember what you look like.
And by the way, when I did remember,
you should get LASIK, okay?
If you even still,
if you still even have money to pay for it
after all your fricking little figurines
and that you buy.
That's the only type of
you know about is nerd
- [Attendee 3] How did you meet your wife?
- How'd I meet my wife?
It was, let's see.
I was at Home Depot
and just looking for tail.
- People just don't get him.
He's a lady killer.
King of a super studs.
And God, he's a super
stud, lady killer pimp.
- [Blair] Loser bitch, loser bitch,
bitch loser, loser bitch.
- Thank you, Blair.
- Okay, you guys,
thank you so much.
Have a good day.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- See you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- This call
is no longer being recorded.
- [James] All right. Awesome.
A lot of good stuff in there.
- Hell yeah.
But my quiet nights will be spent long
- Ah. Where my dogs at, huh?
Where the fricking fellas at?
I know that it's, you know,
we're in Mig's company.
And I get it, we've made
a lot of great strides,
but real quick, where's my
dudes at right now, huh?
That feels good.
Feels a little too good.
Ugh, men need therapy.
What if that's the therapy?
What if the therapy is we all get together
in a big warehouse
somewhere, Brooklyn, maybe,
stripped to the waist, just
start barking at each other.
Ladies, this first joke
is just for the fellas.
So, sit this one out. All right?
Can the guys have one thing?
Except every executive position
at any company since the
beginning of currency.
Where my dogs at?
There are more guys in here than that.
CAA gave me a binder.
They said I skew male.
And I want that represented
on this next one.
Where are my dogs at?
Cool.
Fellas, you ever out walking
around on a hot, sticky day
and you're so far from your home,
but you have to use the bathroom.
And no, not the fun one
where you get to stand up.
And you're so far from home.
You're at a farmer's market or something.
So far away.
Why did we come here?
I know it doesn't just happen to me.
Doesn't feel good.
Hopefully you're in a nice neighborhood,
somewhere with a dependable,
clean single staller.
You're not always able to know
that you're gonna have
the little toilet condom,
the little horseshoe,
where you whip it out
and then the little
tongue sort welcomes you.
Right this way, sir.
Still are sparkling.
Right here, right by the window
where you always like it.
You don't always get that.
Sometimes you're in a real piece of
nasty, ugly, disgusting bathroom
and you've got to rip out 17
individual strips of paper
and then lay them out
like you work at a casino.
Oh, here comes the river.
This is the real insult.
Then, you got to do the
"Dune" sandwalking dance,
as you scooch up, try not to
trick the spirit of the flusher
from sucking all your
hard work down the hill.
Feel good about what you
did, think you can sit down,
but then you remember
that it was a hot day.
That water's just a little bit higher
than you thought it was gonna be.
Your balls are just a little bit lower
than you thought they were gonna be.
You just kissed the top of that water.
You just kissed the top of that water.
It shocks you. You drop your pipe.
Your meth goes everywhere.
Is it just me?
One more time, huh, brother?
It's no secret that the show
is different every
single night on the tour.
What you think I'm doing
on penis day, oh boy?
Give it up. Ba!
Pow.
When you have an infinite
supply of material to pull from.
What you think I'm doing
on penis day, oh boy?
Give it up. Ba!
What you think I'm doing on
penis day, oh boy? Give it up.
What you think I'm doing
on penis day, oh boy?
Give it up. Ba!
On penis day, oh boy.
Give it up. Ba!
I'm doing on penis day,
oh boy? Give it up.
Give it up. Ba, ba.
It's what Bob Dylan does
on the Never Ending Tour
and it's what James Austin Johnson does
on whatever you'd call this.
Whatever the hell this is.
- The crowds are just silent
until the penis material comes out.
We can all relate to having a penis
or we all know somebody who has a penis.
I don't know who Bob Dillman is.
- I like doing impressions of Louis CK.
I been a big fan of Louis
for most of my life.
Not so much as comedy's
behavior towards women,
but some of the comedy's good,
but this is my Louis CK.
I have two daughters.
I have two daughters.
This is Louis CK with
50 cents in his pocket.
I have two quarters.
It's and and and it's
This is Bluey CK.
I have two dog daughters.
Okay.
I gotta do some real
Get out of here.
Okay, this character's
called Dumb Coroner.
All right, here we go.
Let's see if you guys like this.
Yeah.
Yeah, this bitch died of, um, uh, um, uh.
I don't remember.
Ex-expiciation.
Dumb Coroner.
I don't know if anyone
besides Billy Bob Thornton
lives up to the term mother
the way that Brian Cox does.
He is Logan Roy from "Succession".
This manipulative, conniving tycoon guy
makes his kids do all these
demeaning, awful things.
He's also in real life is
also the voice of McDonald's.
So, I just though it'd be fun
if Brian Cox was doing a McDonald's ad
and he just like forgot
what character he's
supposed to be playing.
Cool off this summer by
coming into McDonald's
and getting a 3.99 McFlurry.
And then, lick it up from the floor
like a doggy prick.
I said, get down on all fours
and lick it up like a little piggy.
On the floor!
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba
Go yourself.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah. That's fun.
Can you open that for me real quick?
Still holding my microphone.
Come on, dog. Come on.
Bark it up. Bark it up
for my dog right now.
Thank you, sir. Thank you so much.
- [Attendee 4] Hell yeah, brother.
- He'll yeah.
Thank you.
I like when you're typing
hell yeah in your phone
and it auto-corrects it to he'll yeah.
Makes me feel like my
phone's one of my boys.
You know what I'm talking about?
See you at "Weapons" later?
"He'll yeah.
I wanna know what the secret
is in the movie "Weapons".
I want to know what the thing is."
Who's at a James Austin Johnson show?
A disconcerting amount of boomers. Okay.
Or are there any hot chicks there? Sure.
Are they all married
to the ugliest men you've
ever seen in your life?
Yes.
So, who are these people?
- [Attendee 5] What's
your favorite Dead song?
- My favorite Dead song?
I'm not super into the Grateful Dead.
You know which one I like?
It was that one where Jerry
was just kinda noodling.
That one where he's just like...
Be, de, bo, doop, ba-bo
Cu-dep, bep, bo, doop, doop,
dep, ba-doop, bo, doo, doo
- [Attendee 6] Yeah.
- It's probably my favorite Dead song.
The one where Jerry was going off.
I'm having a lot of fun.
- [Attendee 7] Ringtone please.
- What's that?
- [Attendee 7] Ringtone.
- Ringtone? Oh, Bob Dylan's
cell phone on vibrate?
I'm getting a request from
an audience member, guys.
And I really wanna give
him what he paid for.
Real quick.
So, Bob Dylan, he goes into a meeting,
puts his phone on vibrate.
What does that sound like? Here we go.
Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh,
heh, heh, heh, heh.
Freedom.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Most of the country is very psyched
about new shows dropping
on Paramount Plus.
Billy Bob Thornton's got one
on Paramount Plus right
now called "Landman".
Hey, hey, listen, dude,
you're gonna have to move this helicopter.
You can't park this chopper here
because Texas Senate
just passed a HB21683,
says that you can't park a chopper
within half a mile of a
The rough, and my, and I,
because I don't have time for this guy.
I gotta go deal with my
liberal daughters being sexual.
My daughter's being sexual right now.
What the
The DEA is crawling up my ass
and you're crawling down my in my mouth.
Whoa
I think that's really what
gets me the most hyped
is the trailers,
because in the trailers, you're like,
this show's gotta be so good.
Every two seconds,
there's a cool White guy
looking at a lot of land real grumpy.
Aggressive Christian rock kicks in.
Whoa
Ah
This is like, it's a genre of music
that is only in trailers
for shows for dudes.
This very aggressive
style of Christian rock
where the singer is always telling you
all that mean Jesus is about to do to you.
Whoa
Jesus going ahead on your wife tonight
Jesus gonna turn you into a snake
Hey, what the hell, dude?
He's, there's no, I, I got, yeah,
I got a big problem with you
and I got an even bigger
problem with this guy
because if you guys don't move this truck,
I don't know if you heard
that the Texas Senate
just passed HB2186183,
says you can't park a
truck in my driveway.
Now, you better get the out here
because I gotta go talk to Jon Hamm.
Whoa
Jesus
Did you guys hear
that Paul Giamatti's
getting one of these shows?
Character actor Paul Giamatti
from "Sideways" and "The Holdovers".
Yeah.
He's got a Taylor Sheridan
show coming down the pipe.
It's true.
Whoa
Ah, I was going to ask
you to move your truck,
but Catherine Keener's
character's not texting me back.
Whoa
End of bit.
Whoa
- [Jackie] Oh, I just
checked your Instagram
and you added another date?
Wow, that's great.
I have nobody to fix the
Fisher-Price kitchen!
The kids are screaming at me.
My vibrator broke.
You know, when was the
last time I got reeled?
I don't know. I'm an absentee
The children, the children
are always around me.
I never get to get away from the children.
What am I keeping abs and a tight ass for?
I don't even think a huge hog
is gonna make up for your personality
and the fact that you barely even exist.
- I feel like that bird over there.
Kinda alone
and, you know,
next to the lake,
thinking.
And not necessarily an artist,
but just looks like a
really thoughtful bird.
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Please, woman, won't you eat
Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me
Y'all ever think about like if...
Y'all ever, like, think of...
Let me see if anybody else
has this kind of, thinks
about this kind of thing.
Y'all ever think about if the president
is gonna start talking
about you specifically?
People are going to start bothering you
at your home and
Y'all ever think about that kind of thing?
The president might start piping up
about who you are specifically
and what you do specifically?
That'd be crazy.
- [Kev] If James gets
targeted unnecessarily,
- I'm just gonna be chill.
- you know, that might be
necessary for us business-wise.
- You know, if you found out
that he was on some kind
of list or something,
it's the kind of thing
you could make a show poster out of.
God, that's dark.
- One, two-
- I will miss him.
- Ba.
- Like that emotion that I'm feeling,
there is money to be made
from that in other people,
if that makes sense.
Like missing someone,
then you like buy that's like,
oh, I'm signing up for the new Crackle.
- I hope nothing happens to me,
but I'm looking
at the different places
that I can move into.
And I think that the medium
with the most of a future
is FM radio, I think.
Like if I'm just looking
at what's growing,
it's got to be FM radio.
I just keep heart rates down.
Coming up next.
Staying in The Police,
"Every Breath You Take".
Stay with us.
Adult-oriented rock radio DJ,
would be a pretty good path for me.
I think it would be fun.
I think I can queue up the
same Stevie Wonder song over
and over for the rest of my life.
Every day, 2:35, not even one
of the good Stevie Wonder songs, you know?
That's what those guys' job is.
My favorite like adult
contemporary station
that I listen to
when I'm driving around
in my truck in Nashville,
they keep playing seriously at like 3:15,
the same Stevie Wonder song over and over.
It's that one where he's like...
That girl thinks that she's so bad
It's like, Stevie Wonder,
why do you care if a girl is pretty?
You're married.
You made a promise, asshole.
Pervert.
Stevie wonder's an asshole.
Stevie wonders an asshole.
Can't do it?
I think my favorite
thing that radio DJs do
is that quiet desperation in their voice
where they try to sell you on an event
that they're setting up a little tent at.
Always trying to get you to come out
to the worst block party
you've ever heard of.
If you're looking for something fun
to do on the Labor Day weekend,
why don't you bring the family down
to the Hotel Mouse Parade?
Come see us at the WPNA tent
at the Hotel Mouse Parade.
I'll be there with Sandy,
with Candy, with Dennis.
Come around about 4:30 AM. We'll be there.
We'll be giving away dethong sandals.
These are sandals where the thongs
have been kind of taken out,
so they just flap around
on the bottom of your feet
like a fish that's been
recently taken from it.
So, it's the Hotel Mouse Parade.
I'm gonna be there with Sandy,
with Candy, with Dennis.
We're gonna be setting
up a little tent there.
Why don't you come and
visit us at the WPNA tent?
At the Hotel Mouse Parade, Hotels.
You find the
you get to stay for free at Hotels.
I love the
You know, I found the
the last two times I stayed there.
The first time I stayed
there, I did not find it.
And my clothes smelled like that
for a couple weeks afterward,
but it's always been a great experience
to go to a Hotel.
And is this, by the way,
this is the Hotel Mouse Parade.
It's the only mouse parade for 500 miles.
We're gonna see these mice
marching a little line
to some of the music of John Philip Sousa.
That's gonna be a lot of fun.
So, come on down to the Hotel Mouse Parade
and join us at 3:00 PM
for the 40 over 40 green juice chug-off.
This is 40 men in tight white tank tops,
tight tighty whities, 40 men over 40.
We're gonna be chugging warm green juice
on a hot black top when
the sunset at Zenith.
So, come down and cheer them on
with special guest celebrity judges,
Sean Spicer and KT Tunstall.
That's gonna be a lot of fun.
I am really, really excited to see that.
That is gonna be a great, great time.
Coming up next,
"Black Horse and Cherry
Tree", KT Tunstall.
Stay with it.
Woo-hoo
I'm James. That's the end of my show.
Thank you so much.
James Austin Johnson,
good night. Thank you.
My huge dick is a blessing and a curse.
A blessing because I have a huge penis.
People seem to like that.
And a curse because it's haunted.
It's literally a curse.
Somebody told me recently
that I look like a picture
of a grandfather from when he was young.
What the hell does that mean?
I have no clue what
that means specifically.
I'm a genius.
I'm a genius, genius artist.
I have two daughters.
I have two daughters.
First joke, subways, it's...
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave
Oh, woman
When I'm dead and gone
Please, woman, won't you eat
Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me
- [Voice-Over 2] I've been eating owls.