Jane Fonda & Lily Tomlin: Ladies Night Live (2022) Movie Script
Tumble outta bed
And I stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
And yawn and stretch
And try to come to life
Jump in the shower
And the blood starts pumping
Out on the street,
The traffic starts jumping
With folks like me
On the job from 9 to 5
Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a living
Barely getting by
It's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy
If you let it...
Please welcome your hosts
for Ladies Night Live...
my dear friends,
Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin!
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you all. Thank you!
- Thank you very much.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Wow.
Hi. Hey.
Lily, that sounded like the voice
of God introducing us.
Well, it could have been.
I've had a feeling lately
that God has gone rogue.
Wow, the playing of...
the start with Dolly...
This whole audience.
It's just surreal.
You know, surreal is the new real.
Right?
We are so excited
to be here tonight
at the beautiful historic
Hollywood Palladium.
Yay!
Yeah.
You know,
with all the wonder women here,
maybe a more appropriate word
would be
"her"-storic.
And for anyone who is wondering,
this is not an awards show.
Yeah. The women here
have already won more awards
than the Netflix algorithms
can keep up with.
But today so much
of the big data has to do with women.
Maybe we should coin a new word:
"gal"-gorithms.
You're disgustingly woke.
Anyway, we don't need
to give out awards tonight,
because everybody here
is already a winner.
Right? We're here to celebrate
"Women in Comedy".
We are all members
of the "gal-" gorithm generation.
Oh, and we're also celebrating...
seven seasons of Grace and Frankie.
Oh, my God, I almost...
Oh, my God.
I almost forgot about that.
Your short-term memory is showing.
Lapses of the synapses.
Ha ha ha.
Anyway, we have such great fans.
And we collected questions
from them for tonight's show.
- And so...
- We'd thought we'd take a moment
and answer some of them.
Are you ready?
"Who are some of the women who
have had the most impact on you?"
On me?
Oh... Greta Thunberg.
- Katharine Hepburn. Dolly, of course.
- Of course.
Reba, Nancy Pelosi,
Jane Goodall. Yeah.
Elizabeth Warren, AOC.
Christiane Amanpour.
They said that I resemble her
in appearance.
Melissa McCarthy.
That's good.
- Did we say Dolly?
- Yeah, we did.
Wanda Sykes.
And the brave women of the Ukraine!
And by the way, we're all going to
have to become like the brave women
of the Ukraine and fight what's
about to come down the pike
from you-know-where.
Are you talking
about the Supreme Court?
I'm talking about the SCOTUS.
- Not scrotum.
- SCOTUS.
SCOTUS.
Anyway, I don't even want
to talk about it.
It makes me sick. Come on.
- Read your card.
- Next question.
"Lily, you've said your partner
Jane Wagner is Jane number one,
and Jane Fonda is Jane number two.
Is there a Jane number three
or four?"
There better not be!
Well, believe me,
two are more than enough.
Okay, let's see here.
"What was your worst audition?"
Isn't this night supposed
to be celebrating us?
I understand if you don't want
to talk about it.
Okay, yes, I was passed over...
to host the show Is It Cake?
And no,
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, okay, so last one.
"Do you keep a gratitude journal,
and if so,
what are some of the things
you're grateful for?"
- Jane, I'm grateful for you.
And I'm grateful for you, Lily.
Oh, thank you.
Oh my God, and we're also grateful
to have an incredible line-up
of comedians for you
this evening.
That's right, we're going
to be here all night long,
- so we'd better get started.
- You bet.
The first of our guests is an actor,
comedian, and social media sensation.
I liked her from the very moment
that I heard her first-ever tour
was called "The Farewell Tour".
- Please welcome...
- Heather McMahan!
This is a surreal moment.
Jane and Lily, ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for them!
We are not worthy.
Ladies, thank you for having us.
You have no idea, when I was
a little girl in Atlanta, Georgia,
I never thought in a million years
I'd be here in a power blazer
with you two bad bitches.
I love you, thank you for having me.
Oh, my God, this is iconic.
How we doing?
Yeah.
Okay, I got to be honest
with you right now.
This is a bold statement,
but women are inherently better
at handling panic situations
than men.
Right?
Wouldn't you agree, ladies?
I first noticed this
during the pandemic.
I don't know where you were at
when the news hit,
but I was in my tiny apartment
in New York City,
and my husband was really
having a hard time with this.
He was having his first panic attack,
and I gotta be honest with you,
it was the funniest shit
I've ever seen in my life.
My husband's like 6'2",
an Italian New Yorker,
and he's sitting on our IKEA couch
in a Penn State jersey,
death-gripping a meatball sub,
just dry-heaving back and forth,
like, "This isn't good, babe!
This is not good!"
I'm like, "Honey, look at me,
look at me, right now.
Look at me.
Focus, okay?
We got to be a team, we are locked
and loaded, dial it in!"
And he was like, "Babe.
Babe, I can't do this.
I can't do this shit.
You know my biggest fear is...
You know, my biggest fear is dying!"
No fucking shit, Jeff!
Of course your biggest fear is dying!
I think
that's everybody's biggest fear!
Actually, mine is getting
my Nordstrom credit card declined,
and that's on God.
You know that tomato basil bisque
is fire!
I will say though,
as much of a little bitch
my husband can be sometimes,
he was really my champion.
We've been going
through some fertility issues.
And I was really bummed last year.
Couldn't have a baby.
But he said, "You know what,
let's get a dog.
If we can't have a baby.
Let's get a dog."
Any dog moms out there?
Hell, yeah.
Crazy bitches.
I love it.
I want you to know,
I did try and rescue.
Any rescue moms out there? Yeah.
Did you rescue?
Did you get that rescue?
Good for you.
I tried.
Hand to God, I tried to rescue, okay?
But after like
the seventh rescue agency
that like, did a "light background
check" on me, you know what I mean?
I got denied.
And my husband was pissed.
Like, "You know what?
Fuck this.
Look at me in the eyes.
Get dialed in, Heather.
This is bullshit.
We deserve to be dog parents.
Listen to me.
Listen to me right now.
I want you to go to Chase Bank,
I want you to get out $6,000 cash.
We're going to get a purebred!"
So you know what we did?
Peak pandemic,
we got in my Jetta.
we drove up
to the Georgia-Tennessee border.
I pulled into
a closed Waffle House parking lot.
That's how you knew
the world was on fire.
I literally skeeted in...
Skeeted in.
Opened my sunroof,
I shit you not,
I handed $6,000 cash
out of the sunroof to a breeder.
She handed me my perfect little baby
Rigatoni Cannoli Gandolfini Daniels.
Through the fucking sunroof!
It was like a scene
from The Lion King, like...
And I love that dog so much,
that is my baby,
I don't know if you guys
recently heard this,
but there was a woman who was kicked
off a flight
because she was
breastfeeding her cat.
Did you hear about that?
Guess what?
I fucking get it, okay?
But the wild thing
is I got totally bamboozled
because I spent all this money
on a purebred.
I have the most
fucked-up dog you could ever imagine.
He's a Frenchie,
and they have a lot of problems.
But like, every time he takes
a shit, his eyes bulge out.
And yeah, he's just like
cross-eyed and straining.
And he doesn't bark.
All he does is scream
like a pterodactyl.
He's just, like...
Yeah.
So now when I take him for a walk
and people want to come up,
they're like "Oh my God, Rigatoni!
He's so cute. Can I touch?"
I'm like,
"No, no, no, I'm so sorry.
You should back up.
We're still in training.
You know, uh, he's a rescue, so.''
Thanks, guys!
I'm Heather McMahon!
Our next guest
is a fabulous comedian.
We are thrilled to have her.
She's an outstanding
stand-up actress, podcaster,
and host of Netflix's own The Circle.
It's Michelle Buteau.
What's up?
What's up?
What's up? What's up?
Come on, Jane!
Come on, Lily!
Come on, Jane!
Come on, Lily!
Oh, my goodness, thank you so much
for having me, you guys.
Ugh!
My Christmas Future in a blazer,
I love you so much.
I'll see you at the Kwanzaa party.
A-oh!
My goodness.
What am I doing here?
They didn't drug test me.
This is so nice.
Honestly, this is so nice.
The last time I've done stand-up
on Netflix, Trump was president!
That's crazy!
That's a long time ago.
The last time I did stand-up
on Netflix,
Adele and I
were the same size.
Good for her!
I don't know
if you guys remember this,
like at the beginning of quarantine,
when we were told that
we had to stay home for two weeks.
Do you remember that?
And I was like "Two weeks?
What am I going to do
for two weeks?"
That's so long!
I was doing
what everybody else was doing,
I was like, "Check out
my banana bread. Ow, super moist!"
Shut up.
Truly, all my Insta stories
were like, "It's quarantini time!"
Then three months in,
oh, I was a mess!
I was a mess, I went to my Instagram
just to see how messy I was
and I had this one post,
and it was just like,
"Hey guys...
how you doing?
Don't answer that.
I know it's a loaded question.
Can you just drop me your favorite
quote in times of peril?"
What?
Drop me your favorite quote?
If your girl is asking you
to drop your favorite quote,
you need to check on that bitch.
She is not well!
I am not well!
It really was like the Upside Down
in Stranger Things,
I mean, my friends were so messy.
Like my friends
with hair were bald,
my friends that were bald had hair...
it was crazy!
When I finally saw my hairdresser...
First of all, Black hairdressers
should have been deemed
"essential workers," okay?
When I finally saw my hairdresser
a year and a half later,
I was more excited to see her
than my mom.
I was like...
that son at the end
of The Color Purple,
I was like, "Mama."
"Mama..."
Some of y'all need
to see The Color Purple.
Really?
We got a reboot!
No excuses!
Oh man, and then we found out
how we could get the virus,
and it was basically like
all the holes in your face.
I'm not a scientist, but I was like,
"All the holes in my face?"
I was like, "I'm fucked.
My face is so big."
It's very expressive.
And you really got to know yourself
in an intimate way
with that mask on
all the time.
Like, do you guys remember
where you were
the first time
you burped in your mask?
I was like, "Who dat?"
"It me!"
It was like a face queef.
I was shooketh.
I had to call
my husband and apologize
for queefing
in his face for 11 years!
I thought it was fun!
I even have a nickname for her.
I call her "Caribbean Queef".
And she got a song.
Caribbean Queef
And I just had rice and beans
I'm someone's mom.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It was crazy, like we had
to wear a mask to save lives.
Like, that's what
we needed to do, right?
And like, when the people were dying,
I was so angry when I would see
someone's nose.
And it was always
an older man's nose.
They... I see y'all.
Y'all didn't give a fuck.
Bill, Bob, James,
whoever the fuck you are,
I saw... I was so mad...
I was like, "Put your nose away!"
You remember a few years ago
when guys were just taking
their dicks out at work?
And we were like,
"Nobody want to see your dick."
This time I was like,
"Nobody want to see your nose!"
These guys turned me into a Karen!
I was tattletaling at Whole Foods.
I was like, "His nose is out!"
"He is by the rotisserie chickens.
That is not okay!"
"Now he's by the oxtail.
What the fuck!"
It's not okay!
And during quarantine,
oh my God,
you learned
who your people were, okay?
Whether they were your friends
or your family,
I didn't know I had
so many anti-vaxxers in my circle.
It was bananas.
Like I had a lot of friends
who were just like,
"Michelle, why do you want
to get vaccinated?"
And I'm like,
"Because of death!"
What?
It's that simple.
It's that simple!
And then my friends were like,
"Man, you trust the government?"
"You don't think the government's
trying to poison you with that?"
I'm like ''No, Booboo, that Taco Bell
you eatin' is poison, okay?"
And it's always my friends that
were the biggest hoes in college...
that try to tell me
not to get vaccinated.
I said, "Bitch,
you've swallowed way worse.
Okay?"
Goodnight, everybody!
Whoo!
Um, we have a second here.
Should we talk to each other
or take a question from the audience?
- Oh God, take the question.
- Okay.
"Do you have a favorite cheese?"
I love them all equally.
Cheddar!
They're all God's children.
I used to prefer hard cheese,
but you know, now I'll settle
for a semi-hard... cheese.
Let's see, here's one more.
You were in the movie 9 to 5,
but what hours do you actually work?
Oh my God, all of them!
You know, 10 days after we finished
Grace and Frankie,
we did a movie together,
and then a few months after that,
we did another movie together.
And the second movie was
with Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.
I don't think...
I don't think this is
like a football audience.
And our schedule really tuckered
the football players out.
Yeah, those guys need
to learn how to hustle, right?
Well, our next comic
knows how to hustle.
Yeah, she does.
She's the first Latina woman
to produce, write and star
in her own
US prime-time comedy.
Let's give it up for Cristela Alonzo!
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Thank you!
Oh!
How you guys doing?
Oh, one more time like you mean it!
How you doing?
Jane, Lily, I have to say,
I am a first-generation
Mexican-American.
My mom never learned
to speak English,
and we used to watch 9 to 5...
or as she called it, Nueve a Cinco...
all the time, and we loved it,
because it was so great
to see a movie
where women could be funny
and smart,
so thank you so much.
It means so much,
I didn't expect it,
and thank you.
It really, like...
I'm just glad to be out, seriously.
Like, past couple of years
have been crazy.
It's been weird
how like, people showed you
like, their true colors, man.
You know what I don't understand:
anti-maskers
that are not good-looking.
Why?
Like I would understand
if the anti-maskers were hot.
You know, like if Brad Pitt
was like, "Fuck masks!"
I'm like, "That's right, baby.
Fuck masks," right?
And shirts, right?
"And shirts!"
But all these people
were like, "Fuck masks!"
And I'm like,
"Bitch, you need like three masks."
"Like I know
you don't believe in science,
but do you believe in mirrors?"
Like...
One thing I learned about
the past couple years too,
there's some of you that have
never gone through hard times.
You don't know
how to deal with struggle.
You know how I realized that?
Grocery shopping.
The food we decided to buy
when we had to freak out
and just like, level up, you know?
Like, I grew up on food stamps.
Growing up on food stamps, that means
that like, every month is a pandemic.
I was made for this, a Mexican.
Yo, every month, rice and beans.
Done.
They told us we got to lock down,
I'm like, "I'm good.
Rice and beans."
Hey, I don't wanna brag.
I got money.
Am I going to buy a loaf of bread?
I'll buy a loaf of bread.
Fuck it, yeah.
I got peanut butter money.
Fuck yeah, I do.
I don't want to brag.
Crunchy?
Damn right.
But I couldn't go grocery shopping
right away,
so I was really nervous, right?
I don't want to brag,
but my,
like I live
in like Beverly Hills-adjacent.
Like if you open my window
from my bedroom,
like, "Oh, that's Beverly Hills
way over there." Like that's...
My grocery store
is in Beverly Hills.
I couldn't go right away,
so I was really worried that
all my stuff would be gone, right?
So, the day that I could go,
I was freaking out,
I ran over,
went straight to the rice and beans,
and guess what?
They were all there.
In fact, it looked like people came
and donated their rice and beans,
like so many.
I went to the loaf of bread,
all there.
Peanut butter, all there.
And I started thinking,
what are rich white people buying?
So, I went to investigate.
Number one, sodas, gone.
Number two, cheese.
Not like Kraft singles and shit.
Like goat cheese!
Like all the cheese
that smells like feet, fucking gone.
Number three, wine.
Why?
To go with the cheese I just bought!
So I went
to a friend's house right after,
and I told her, I'm like,
"Isn't that messed up?"
She's like, "Yeah."
"Why were you buying sides?"
Like, no one had ever
called my food "sides".
I was like, "What?"
She was like,
"Why did you buy sides
and no entre?"
And I was like, "Girl, for poor
people, the sides is the entre!"
She was like, "Ew!"
Then I look at her counter,
and I see a soda...
cheese, wine...
and I'm like, "Man, the call is
coming from inside the house!"
But, I also want to say,
man, rich white people
can be helpful, too.
Like look,
I love white people,
you guys are great.
You know what I love?
You always come up with equipment.
Every sport has to have
an equipment.
You got Fitbit, just to see
how many steps you can do.
I asked my friends,
"Why do you have a Fitbit?"
"Well, how many steps
should I do?"
"How do I know when I'm done?"
When you're fucking tired.
Works for me.
Now, I don't want to brag,
but I like to go hiking.
I don't use any equipment
when I go hiking.
I love to go hiking but like, again,
I don't use equipment
because hiking is walking, right?
It's like hiking out...
"Oh look, I'm hiking right now."
Right?
Like, you know what I mean?
No equipment.
That's how I roll.
Couple weeks ago,
I was in Denver.
I was at the Rocky Mountain
National Park.
I decided to go hiking, right?
The trail is just dirt.
Flat.
And I'm walking,
and I'm like, I'm fuckin' hiking.
And then I see a white couple
with like their walking poles.
And there's no incline.
It's just flat!
And I'm like,
"Do you need balance for this?"
Like, really?
Like it looks like they're skiing
on rocks, you know what I mean?
And I'm like, "That's ridiculous."
I keep on my trail.
It starts snowing.
Like, snowing bad.
Snowing to the point where like,
the trail is hidden. It's covered.
I end up getting lost.
The snow's up to here.
I'm stuck.
And I'm like, "Fuck.
I'm going to die in a snow cone.
How do I get out of here?"
Guess what?
White people showed up...
with their equipment.
Not only did they have
the walking sticks,
you know what they had? They had
tennis racquets on their feet,
so they could fucking walk
on the snow.
They were like,
"We're here to help you!"
They pull me out of the snow,
really concerned,
and they look at me
and they're like,
"Did you lose equipment?"
I'm like,
"No, I don't use equipment!"
Years ago, I dated this guy.
He was a survivalist.
If you don't know what a survivalist
is, that means you have money,
but you like to pretend
you don't.
He taught me how
to hike and camp and everything,
took me on all these trails.
He always taught me,
"You know what's really fun?
If you finish the trail
with no equipment,
it makes you feel
real good."
And I started thinking,
never noticed that
"if you finish the trail," right?
So I'm telling the couple,
"This is how I learned how to hike,
no equipment, blah, blah, blah,"
And the white couple is like,
"Wow, are you guys still together?"
And I was like, "No, he was stupid.
Like I broke up with him.
He doesn't know
what he's talking about."
And they're like,
"And you still listen to his advice?"
And I was like, "Fuck, fair point."
And then I started thinking,
I don't know what happened to him.
I'm going to Google.
So I finish the trail, go back
to my car, and I Google him.
Guess what?
Fuckin' dead.
He died hiking.
He went to Thailand, did a trail,
was never heard from again.
And the moral of the story is,
"Bitch, I need equipment."
Thank you, guys.
My name is Cristela Alonzo.
Thank you so much.
Wow.
Cristela Alonzo!
And we have more amazing comedians
coming up.
But first I want to ask Jane if
she knows anything about the time...
I'm sorry, we're late. We're late!
Whoa!
What happened?
Wow!
This is a beautiful audience!
They really love us, Jane.
They're really happy to see us.
Jane, I'm so sorry we were late.
Our names, weirdly,
weren't on the list out there.
I don't know how that happened,
but I'm not sure if you put
our married names down, or...
A man married you?
I'm sure it was a mix-up, Mom.
Truly, it's just not a big deal.
Please stop calling me Mom!
Jane, you promised me that
after we wrapped Grace and Frankie,
they wouldn't bother us again.
These two are so funny!
We weren't joking!
Sure, sure.
Any-whosies.
So, Brooklyn and I know
how hard it's been for you two
to end Grace and Frankie,
and say goodbye
to your baby girls.
- It wasn't hard at all for me.
- Easiest thing in the world.
And so, we wanted
to surprise you both,
and remind you that we're always
just a phone call away.
Well, Brooklyn, they know that,
because that's why they're always
sharing their locations with us.
I have got to figure out how
to get them off my cell phone.
I don't... is it in the settings?
No, let's just throw
our phones away.
- Yes. That's a good idea.
- Get rid of them.
We love you both so much,
and so we wanted to raise a glass
to celebrate you both.
Yeah.
Oh wow, look!
The audience.
Oh, Brooklyn.
Mom.
The regular people
are getting margaritas, too.
That's nice!
- Mom...
- Other Mom...
you two are such amazing women.
We admire you as actors,
as activists, and as human beings.
Mamas,
it's been
such an incredible pleasure
to spend the last eight years
with you on Grace and Frankie.
Oh, God.
Here's to the last seven seasons
of Grace and Frankie!
And here's...
Don't drink it.
Don't drink it.
...to legends
Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda.
Our mothers!
Aaah! Oh, my God!
- I told you...
- Oh, it is so strong.
I told you not to drink it.
Stronger than
that security guard out there.
Oh, my God.
Okay, Madres?
Let's all squeeze together.
Because I'm sure the regular people
in the front row
want a picture
of the Fab Four.
Absolutely not!
No, fuck no, I'm not...
- No?
- Time to introduce the next comic.
She's got so many specials,
I can't keep count.
Please welcome to the stage
Iliza Shlesinger!
Thank you.
Thank you.
This is so nice to be indoors.
Right?
Have we forgotten the last few years
where we had to spend all of our time
outside like barn animals?
Like, this is so nice to be inside,
breathing on each other.
It was like a year and a half ago
that we had to eat
everything outside, every restaurant.
It's insane that
it took a pandemic
for Los Angeles
to get more outdoor dining.
Right?
And what was so crazy
was it was so dystopian,
but Californians are just...
we're so strong... eh...
and we're sitting out there,
and we're just like,
"We don't care!
We're getting to eat outside!"
And we convinced ourselves
that it was fun.
"We're eating outside!
Isn't this so Parisian?
This is so elegant!
This is so refined!"
You are eating
behind a cement police barricade.
Like, in a bike lane.
Your waiter is dressed in riot gear.
This is... oh yes,
you have your mask off, tits out,
lettin' freedom ring.
This guy is dressed like a welder
making three dollars an hour,
no health insurance,
risking his life to get you started
with some jalapeo poppers. Yeah!
Nobody thought
about that, right?
Because we got to be outside,
we have avocado toast,
we're busy trying to cancel
each other with our thumbs.
That was a big...
That's a national pastime.
Canceling each other
in the name of wokeness.
Are we too woke?
Look at all the white people
looking around like, "Is it okay?"
I'm watching your little heads.
"Is it okay?"
"Just whatever you want.
I'm terrified."
Are we?
I think it's fair to say
that we have been in a woke-off
these last few years,
just trying to outperform each other,
whoever's wokest.
That is my greatest fear
as a white liberal woman...
obviously, I'm liberal...
I'm in all leather.
I mean...
And I do stand-up.
Of course I voted for Joe Biden.
I had no choice.
That is my greatest fear.
You can clap.
It's a comedy show.
All the white people, I felt your
buttholes just going, "Oh my God!"
"Please!"
That is my greatest fear
as a white liberal woman,
is that I will be out-woked
by another white liberal woman.
That is all of our fears.
We've talked about it
at the meetings.
That is all of our fears.
That is my greatest fear, is that
I'm going to be standing around,
talking to my Black friends.
I'm sorry, my Black friend.
And...
another white liberal woman
is going to come up.
Another white liberal woman
with my same face,
and my same bullshit fine arts degree
from back east.
Her name is like Rachel,
or like Aubrey,
is going to come up
and just rock me
on some like civil rights trivia,
that I should've known.
And then I'm going to have to pivot,
and I'm going to have to be like,
"Yeah, I didn't know who
Ta-Nehisi Coates was, but...
I saw Judas and the Black Messiah."
And then she'll be like, "I saw
it too. I went to the premiere."
I'll be like, "You lying bitch,
there was no premiere!
It was a digital release!" and then,
to bury her in my wokeness,
I will pivot harder and I'll be like,
"You know, it's not just African-
Americans who feel marginalized.
It's also Latino,
which is different than Chicano
which is different than Hispanic,
which is different than Latinx,
a term that only white people use.
I am the woke one!
The wokest!
That's the validation we want,
going into 2023.
That's what every white person wants
deep down...
they won't tell you... is for a Black
person to come up to them... slowly...
and to simply say, "You're alright."
That's all you want!
That's all we want.
And they've got to be Black,
I'm sorry.
The darker the better.
I know.
We can't say dark,
because then, "Cancel her!"
They've got to be Black.
Do not come up to me and be like,
"I'm Filipino-Dutch."
Get out of here.
We need Black.
I need a 200-year-old Black woman
to come up to me,
who's like been through some shit.
Like, ''Excuse me,
are you the woke one?"
On the polar opposite end
of the woke spectrum,
this next piece is entitled
"In Defense of the Karen."
Ohhh.
Don't "oh" me.
I'm not afraid of you.
So, couple months ago,
I got a haircut.
And like any sane person,
I posted the picture online
so that strangers would validate
that it was a good choice.
And I got this haircut
and the first thing
I noticed,
a lot of women were like,
"Right on, sister bear."
"It looks amazing. So sassy."
And I was like "Alright, I don't
really think of myself as sassy.
Why do women keep calling
this sassy?" And I looked into it.
Long hair is seen as very sexual.
Men prefer long hair. It's seen
as a sign of fertility, very sensual.
Short hair is seen as thumbing
your nose at the patriarchy.
That's what short hair is.
So, I'm just going
to stand here and say
this has nothing to do
with feminism.
I cut my hair because if it grows
too long, it gets scraggly,
I look like Tom Petty.
So.
But then I noticed a couple
of other comments from guys.
They'd be like,
"Hair looks good, but careful!
You don't want to go too short.
You don't want to be a Karen."
And I was like, "Oh, so your haircut
is what makes you racist. Got it.
Okay." But I started thinking
about it, and I was like,
"Okay, well,
what's a Karen?"
What's a Karen?
Anyone can yell it out.
They ask for the manager.
- It's what?
- They ask for the manager.
They ask for the manager. Okay.
- Who's they?
- Karens.
What do they look like?
Kind of business...
Why is a white person afraid to say?
"Kind of a businessy..."
They're white, and that's okay.
So it's traditionally
a white woman, right?
Now this is a description that
represents a subsect of women, right?
A Karen, historically, is a woman
who is racist, aggressive,
and perhaps most offensive of all,
often has chunk highlighting.
So.
But the term "Karen"
sort of became ubiquitous,
and we started using it
as a way to describe
any woman who
might be a little too loud.
Now by the way,
if you are a Karen,
if you are the kind of woman
who would, say,
put your hands on
a Wendy's day shift manager
for not filling up your pork-hoof
IV drip to the tippy top,
then fuck you.
But...
I noticed that the term
was so ubiquitous,
that we just started
throwing Karen around.
And then women, white liberal women,
started calling other women Karen.
And what you didn't realize
you were doing, girls,
when you call another woman
a Karen,
you didn't realize
you were picking up
the pre-sharpened tools
of the patriarchy
you so readily claim
to rail against
on your Instagram pages
and with your RBG tote bags,
and Slay All Day ros wine kits,
and you are killing
another woman, period.
Indention.
New paragraph.
I just had a baby.
And now that I'm a mother,
I think about children a lot more.
That sounded weird.
I walked outside with my baby
to get the mail,
and there were some
children playing in the street.
And I don't know how old they were,
like four or ten.
I don't know.
But I realized
that there was no adult,
which means
that I'm the de facto adult,
and I'm like, okay, I guess I'll
stand here to make sure they're okay.
And as I stood there,
a car drove by really fast
and scared the little kids
who were playing
in their neighborhood,
and I reflexively yelled out,
"Hey! Slow down!"
The guy in the... of course...
Tercel, yells back at me,
"Fuckin' Karen!"
And that is when I realized
in that moment
that whatever Karen once was
has devolved
into something different,
and if that's what a Karen is,
someone who's
a little too loud for your comfort,
I will be a Karen,
because here's what society has
to fucking get through their heads.
When you claw a living
out of nothingness,
when you make a career
in show business
and nothing was given to you,
and you take your hard-earned money
and you go to render legal tender
at a point of sale
and what you gave me
was not what was agreed upon
when I made this purchase,
and I want a refund,
or I want to speak to someone
who can rectify the situation,
you are goddamned right I'm going
to want to speak to a manager.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And this is a cool haircut!
You guys, have a great night!
Thank you so much!
Iliza Shlesinger, folks!
Wasn't she great?
I'm very excited
to introduce our next comic.
Hot from her huge success
on Tiffany Haddish's They Ready,
please welcome Tracey Ashley!
Thank you!
Jane and Lily.
Thank you for having me,
I love you both.
Jane and Lily, one more time.
I love you, Jane!
Well, I'm going to get with Jane
tonight, y'all don't even know.
I'm going to get with Jane.
Let me tell you, I've been dying to
get out of my house and get on stage.
All I been doing these last two
years, y'all, is sitting on my ass,
binge-watching TV,
and eating!
I read online, this woman said
she gained 70 pounds
in these last two years
working from home.
And now her job wants her
to come back to work in person!
She said she's scared
to go back to work
because there's more
of her person, y'all.
I feel her.
You know, she was fed up by the last
time somebody commented,
"Oh, you look different!"
"Get off me!"
"I cut my hair."
I just want to be thin enough
this summer
to get into
a pair of capri pants.
Some people want to get into
a bikini, I want to get into capris.
Because I want to frolic.
That's what skinny girls do
when they wear capri pants.
You've seen them outside frolicking,
'cause that's when they eat.
They eat the air,
they're like "argh."
"Argh."
"Oh my God, I am so full.
I have had too much oxygen!"
When you a little big bigger,
you don't frolic.
You say shit like,
"I'll meet you over there."
"Save me a seat."
And listen, I got the skinny legs
to do the kick-off right here,
but I can't get the lift-off, right?
because I got this FUPA
right up under here.
It lowers my center of gravity,
I can't get, take the...
Just watching so much television,
oh, and it's crazy because
there's so much out there
for us to watch!
I find myself watching shit
I've seen a million times.
I was watching this crime show I love
called I Survived.
Oh, this show is crazy, y'all.
It's about where
these people tell stories
about how they survived
these gruesome attacks
they should not have survived.
They're sitting there talkin'.
This one woman,
she was stabbed a million times.
She was put into a barrel, y'all.
They put the top on the barrel,
kicked it down the hill.
It rolled into a snowbank.
It was negative degrees.
She was out there for three days,
and she survived!
I don't want to be on that damn show.
I don't want to be on that show,
because some clumsy-ass killer
stabbed me 17 times
and he missed every vital organ.
I would get mad,
"Give me the damn knife!
You don't know how to kill nobody."
I don't want to be on that show
because some guy tried to strangle me
for several hours
but he couldn't get the job done,
because he had small clammy hands.
I'm on the show:
"He tried to choke me for five hours,
but his hands were soft
like baby powder.
I kept slipping out. Ugh.
I even said, 'Let me choke you!'
I survived."
I wrote that last part
of the joke when I was high.
Yeah.
I live in Indiana,
so whenever I come to California,
I get a chance to try the herb,
and it always takes me back
to that first time I ever tried.
I never smoked pot when I was young.
Waited until I was a full-grown
responsible adult to do it.
Went to a party with some comics.
And I don't drink alcohol, y'all,
because I have developed an allergy
to alcohol.
So I'm standing there,
drinking a Sprite or something,
I don't know
what I was drinking.
And this guy comes up,
"Tracey, you're not drinking?"
I said no.
"What, are you trying to be sober?"
I said "No, when I drink alcohol,
my stomach burns."
He's like, "Tracey,
our stomach burns, too.
But we're like fuck it,
keep on drinking."
I said "I can't do that,"
so then they started smoking weed.
I'd never smoked it before.
They thought that was funny.
So, I'm sitting there,
going to have this experience.
I take my first puff, hit,
I'm waiting for something miraculous
to happen.
Nothing happens.
I said, "This is boring."
They're like "Relax,
it's your first time."
No one's paying attention
to me. I've never done this.
I take another hit,
after another hit,
after another hit,
after another hit,
after another hit.
All of a sudden,
I'm slumped in the couch.
"Hey!
This marijuana ain't working.
You know, I'm a full time comic now,
I have different worries.
Maybe that's why it ain't working.
I don't have health insurance.
I used to have a day job
and I had health insurance,
and I would go to the doctor
and I would pay a co-pay.
Sometimes it was five dollars,
maybe it was 20 dollars
depending on what
I went to the doctor for.
I went to the dentist's office
and he didn't have a co-pay
because that office was different.
You know in Canada,
they have free health insurance."
My brain is saying, "Shut the fuck
up" but I can't do that right now.
Thank you all so much!
I'm Tracey Ashley.
One more time
for Tracey Ashley!
Wow.
And one more question
from the audience.
- Jane Fonda.
- What?
"Jane Fonda, what is your exercise
routine named?"
- You got to be kidding.
- Hello.
It's called the Jane Fonda Workout.
Be nice, be nice, okay?
There were only 22 tapes
and 17 million copies sold...
Our next guest
is a wonderful
comedian, actor, and author.
Reveal yourself!
Please give a lot of noise
for Anjelah Johnson Reyes!
Jane and Lily, thank you so much
for paving the way
for girls like me
to be funny.
Thank you!
Yes!
This is so fun!
I get to be here, doing stand-up
with my homegirls.
I've been doing stand-up since
I was 24 years old... I am now 40!
Thank you for cheering for that part.
I'm entering that next phase
of my life, I'll be honest,
I'm having a hard time with it.
I thought I was going to be that girl
that no matter what age I was,
I was just going to embrace it.
Like, "That's me!
Yes, queen, yes."
Turns out that's something you say
in your 20s.
Then you get to your 40s and you're
like, "Woo, no queen, what happened?
Oh no, that's too much eyelid!"
It's scary getting older.
It's scary for women getting older,
because men, if you get gray hair,
that's sexy.
That's salt and pepper.
Hey!
Women, we get gray hair
and it's like, "Oh...
what happened?"
Got to start changing some things
about my life.
I can't keep shopping at
the same stores I used to shop at.
Like Forever 21?
No, you're not.
Turns out, that was a lie.
I cannot be in line
behind some 21-year-old,
buying the same dress
as her.
She's out here living her best life,
I'm trying to remember
to take my vitamins.
We like the same dress,
but for different reasons.
She's like, "Ooh,
it has pockets for my ID!"
I'm like, "Ooh,
pockets for my Tums!"
Yeah.
I'm approaching the age
where I'm going
to start getting my clothes
the same place I get my groceries.
Say I won't.
You will catch me at Costco.
Yes.
About to get them Kirkland jeans...
them Kirkland socks...
that Kirkland body wash...
Eh, this Kirkland gang gang, what?
That's about to be my new Tuesday.
Going to start out front, get me
a hot dog and a soda for $1.50!
Say I won't.
Then I'll flash my VIP card
and mosey on in.
I'll start with a lap of samples.
Then I'll put my hair in a ponytail,
make a lap in the other direction.
Round two!
Hey, but if you come in for a second
sample, though, be warned.
These sample ladies get offended.
They act a type of way if you come in
for a second sample.
Like they have been baking
from scratch all day long.
Like, "Really, Beth?
Just give me another chicken tender.
Why you got to do this?"
Like, It's embarrassing enough
just asking for a sample.
Because you got to pretend you
never heard of this product before!
"You said it's a tender?"
"You dip it?"
"Okay, I'll try one."
It's hard getting older.
And there's too many acronyms
to keep up with to stay cool.
Like somebody texted me the other day
and they were like, "TLDR,"
and I was like, "What's that?"
She said
"Too long, didn't read."
I was like, "Oh.
Well, too short, didn't understand."
I know BRB and LOL, that's it.
I stay right there.
And I have come to realize that I am
far too generous with my LOLs!
LOL has become a common courtesy.
It's just a thing you say.
Like another common courtesy.
If somebody's by you and they sneeze,
what do you do?
You move six feet, and then,
what do you say?
Bless you.
Are you really blessing them
from God?
No, you're not!
It's just a thing you say.
If your friend texts you and they're
trying to be funny, what do you say?
LOL.
Did you really laugh out loud?
No, you didn't.
At this point, LOL just means
"I have received your text."
If I reply to your text with LOL,
at most, a little bit of air
came out my nostril.
If I reply to your text with LOL,
this is how I read your text.
Like, it was funny,
but I don't know
how to type back.
But if I reply to your text
with "hahahahaha," that's funny.
If I reply to your text
with "bwahahahahaha,"
like "B-W-A-H-A-H-A"
that means it was so funny I had
to spit something out of my mouth.
But if I reply to your text
with rows of "hahahahaha,"
I start using other letters
like "hijklmno-haha-pqrst,"
that means that
I said something funny
and I'm really proud of myself.
I'm Anjelah Johnson Reyes, thank you
guys so much, have a good night.
Oh wow, this next stand-up comedian
is a real force.
But before we bring her up,
there's an audience question
burning a hole in my pocket.
"Who has been arrested more:
Jane or Lily?"
- That would be me.
- Well, five or six times, that's it.
I look good in orange.
What do you want me to say?
We know, we know.
Now please welcome to the stage
an amazing advocate
for Asian-American women
and the queer community,
and a fearless trail-blazer
in the world of stand-up:
Margaret Cho!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Jane.
Thank you, Lily.
I love you.
Thank you.
I can't wait to get arrested with you
when we protest
the overturn of Roe v. Wade!
Yes!
I'm so glad that we're all here
and we're all together.
This is incredible.
And it feels like some things
in the pandemic have gotten better,
but you know
what hasn't gotten better?
Violence against Asians.
This is really scary to me.
Being an Asian woman, I am scared.
I am scared to be set on fire!
Don't set me on fire!
I'm very flammable.
I'm dry, I have dry hair,
I have dry skin,
I have a dry pussy.
Ooh!
If you fuck me, it sounds like
you're making a balloon animal.
But I'm scared.
I'm scared for Asian people.
And I go out,
and I'm all Asian when I'm out.
And I have my mask on,
but that doesn't cover this area.
Which, this area just screams
"Wuhan wet market."
This area is 100% ninja.
This area eats every part
of the animal.
So, then I wear a visor.
So you really fucking know
that I'm Asian.
And I'm out and I'm just scared,
you know?
I have my phone out,
just in case there's a hate crime.
Got to get a video!
Because if you don't have a video,
you can't have a GoFundMe.
It's a real fear.
It's a real, real thing.
And I think it started to escalate
probably after the Atlanta shootings.
Last year in Atlanta, a man shot
and killed many Asian women.
And he said it was because
he was a sex addict,
so I'm thinking that he was trying
to kill sex workers?
Don't kill sex workers!
Sex workers are important.
We need sex workers.
Sex workers are smart.
I should have charged.
You know? I...
I had a lot of sex that I really need
to be compensated for.
You know what I mean!
It's not rape...
but it's not
the best use of your time.
It's less consent, and more relent.
You know, you just go, "Alright."
And give him
the most unpopular hole.
If I had a dollar
for every time I relented,
I would be so rich.
I would be "Elon Fuck."
I would be buying Twitter
from a spaceship
with Grimes with a baby
named after an algebra equation.
But these women, I don't think
they were sex workers anyway.
I mean, sex work is
like hard, physical labor.
Have you ever tried
to bust a Viagra nut?
I think OSHA should be involved.
I was so worried
about all Asian people,
especially older Asian people.
So, my parents are 85.
I was worried about them, so I asked
them to come stay with me
at the beginning of the pandemic
because I thought it was only going
to last for a couple of weeks.
They're still at my house.
I will never get the smell
of Tiger Balm out of my nose.
My mom is so triggering.
She's watching TV,
she'll go "Ohhhh.
Ohhhh, I was on the news.
Nobody go to zoo.
You know?
Nobody go to the zoo.
Everywhere, all the zoo
have no money.
So now, at all of the zoo,
all over,
they have to feed small animal
to large animal.
Oh, when I hear this,
that make me so hungry.
Ah!
My stomach was really growling
when I hear it.
I like to eat everything.
You cannot say that, don't say that,
because they say the Asian like
to eat everything,
you know, and that's why
we have coronavirus.
And that's true.
But...
we didn't know!
You cannot blame Asian people,
we just like to eat lots
of different thing,
We didn't know that if we ate
something, everybody going to die.
We had no idea!
If we knew, we wouldn't do it.
We just needed snack,
you know, so...
We didn't know, but don't be
racist against the Asian people
because of coronavirus.
Because...
if you are racist
against Asian people
because of coronavirus,
you gonna catch coronavirus.
And then you gonna go to hospital,
and your doctor gonna be Asian."
Thank you so much, everybody.
Jane.
What, Lily?
Yeah? What?
Is there anything you want to ask me?
Is there, ah...
Oh, yeah. Oh, okay.
What's your favorite quote?
"Ask not what your country
can do for you...''
You didn't let me finish!
I wanted to know
what your favorite quote of mine is.
Oh.
Well, I like the one where you say...
"It's better to be interested
than interesting."
Because I think
you are so interested.
Well, thanks.
- Oh look, it's a piano.
- Thanks.
It's a piano!
Please welcome
Broad City's Eliot Glazer
and star and creator of
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Rachel Bloom.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Wow, what a night.
What a night it's been.
Yes, and what a stellar tribute
to women in comedy
and the amazing
Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda!
Ugh!
How does one end
an epic night such as this?
Well, with a musical number,
of course.
Yup, that's right!
What better way to pay tribute
than in song?
Now, it was kind of hard
to clear publishing rights
for some of our top choices.
It's standard red-tape stuff.
Industry, industry.
But, I think we managed to put
together something pretty special.
Because, Lily and Jane,
you're worth it.
And, as the great Bette Midler
once said,
"You got to have friends."
But we couldn't clear that song.
No, we could not clear that song.
Don't play that song, Jerome.
We could not clear it.
However, we're not going to let that
stop us, will we, Rachel?
Uh, no!
No, because if there's one thing
we have learned tonight
from these amazing women,
it's "Who runs the world?
Girls!"
No, but stop though.
Don't play that.
Yeah,
we super could not clear that.
Stop. Like, Beyonc's people
are very litigious.
Oh, no, I don't think
we can say "Beyonc."
- You can't, but I can.
- Oh.
Okay. That's fair.
Still, friendship is forever,
and no one proves that
quite like Jane and Lily.
Yeah. And at the end of the day,
there's one thing
we all know for sure.
Music is a universal language.
And we also know for sure
that songs in the public domain
- don't have to be cleared.
- No.
That's right.
So this is for you, Lily and Jane.
Should auld acquaintance
Be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance
Be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?
Oh Danny boy
The pipes,
the pipes are calling
From glen to glen
And down the mountainside
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow...
Oh my God, we could have
totally just said "she."
We should have said,
"She's a jolly good fellow.''
- Ah!
- It's just too late.
Which nobody can deny!
That's our show, guys!
We wanted to get you all here.
What an incredible night!
And our thanks to all the comedians.
Thank you for being here.
Thanks to all of you!
Thanks to all of you.
That's Lily Tomlin.
And that's Jane Fonda.
- Good night!
- Good night.
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
And the feeling's right
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
And the feeling's right
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
Oh, what a night
Huh!
Girls, y'all got the one
A night
That's special everywhere
From New York to Hollywood
It's Ladies' Night
And, girl, the feeling's good
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
And the feeling's right
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night
And I stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
And yawn and stretch
And try to come to life
Jump in the shower
And the blood starts pumping
Out on the street,
The traffic starts jumping
With folks like me
On the job from 9 to 5
Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a living
Barely getting by
It's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy
If you let it...
Please welcome your hosts
for Ladies Night Live...
my dear friends,
Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin!
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you all. Thank you!
- Thank you very much.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Wow.
Hi. Hey.
Lily, that sounded like the voice
of God introducing us.
Well, it could have been.
I've had a feeling lately
that God has gone rogue.
Wow, the playing of...
the start with Dolly...
This whole audience.
It's just surreal.
You know, surreal is the new real.
Right?
We are so excited
to be here tonight
at the beautiful historic
Hollywood Palladium.
Yay!
Yeah.
You know,
with all the wonder women here,
maybe a more appropriate word
would be
"her"-storic.
And for anyone who is wondering,
this is not an awards show.
Yeah. The women here
have already won more awards
than the Netflix algorithms
can keep up with.
But today so much
of the big data has to do with women.
Maybe we should coin a new word:
"gal"-gorithms.
You're disgustingly woke.
Anyway, we don't need
to give out awards tonight,
because everybody here
is already a winner.
Right? We're here to celebrate
"Women in Comedy".
We are all members
of the "gal-" gorithm generation.
Oh, and we're also celebrating...
seven seasons of Grace and Frankie.
Oh, my God, I almost...
Oh, my God.
I almost forgot about that.
Your short-term memory is showing.
Lapses of the synapses.
Ha ha ha.
Anyway, we have such great fans.
And we collected questions
from them for tonight's show.
- And so...
- We'd thought we'd take a moment
and answer some of them.
Are you ready?
"Who are some of the women who
have had the most impact on you?"
On me?
Oh... Greta Thunberg.
- Katharine Hepburn. Dolly, of course.
- Of course.
Reba, Nancy Pelosi,
Jane Goodall. Yeah.
Elizabeth Warren, AOC.
Christiane Amanpour.
They said that I resemble her
in appearance.
Melissa McCarthy.
That's good.
- Did we say Dolly?
- Yeah, we did.
Wanda Sykes.
And the brave women of the Ukraine!
And by the way, we're all going to
have to become like the brave women
of the Ukraine and fight what's
about to come down the pike
from you-know-where.
Are you talking
about the Supreme Court?
I'm talking about the SCOTUS.
- Not scrotum.
- SCOTUS.
SCOTUS.
Anyway, I don't even want
to talk about it.
It makes me sick. Come on.
- Read your card.
- Next question.
"Lily, you've said your partner
Jane Wagner is Jane number one,
and Jane Fonda is Jane number two.
Is there a Jane number three
or four?"
There better not be!
Well, believe me,
two are more than enough.
Okay, let's see here.
"What was your worst audition?"
Isn't this night supposed
to be celebrating us?
I understand if you don't want
to talk about it.
Okay, yes, I was passed over...
to host the show Is It Cake?
And no,
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, okay, so last one.
"Do you keep a gratitude journal,
and if so,
what are some of the things
you're grateful for?"
- Jane, I'm grateful for you.
And I'm grateful for you, Lily.
Oh, thank you.
Oh my God, and we're also grateful
to have an incredible line-up
of comedians for you
this evening.
That's right, we're going
to be here all night long,
- so we'd better get started.
- You bet.
The first of our guests is an actor,
comedian, and social media sensation.
I liked her from the very moment
that I heard her first-ever tour
was called "The Farewell Tour".
- Please welcome...
- Heather McMahan!
This is a surreal moment.
Jane and Lily, ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for them!
We are not worthy.
Ladies, thank you for having us.
You have no idea, when I was
a little girl in Atlanta, Georgia,
I never thought in a million years
I'd be here in a power blazer
with you two bad bitches.
I love you, thank you for having me.
Oh, my God, this is iconic.
How we doing?
Yeah.
Okay, I got to be honest
with you right now.
This is a bold statement,
but women are inherently better
at handling panic situations
than men.
Right?
Wouldn't you agree, ladies?
I first noticed this
during the pandemic.
I don't know where you were at
when the news hit,
but I was in my tiny apartment
in New York City,
and my husband was really
having a hard time with this.
He was having his first panic attack,
and I gotta be honest with you,
it was the funniest shit
I've ever seen in my life.
My husband's like 6'2",
an Italian New Yorker,
and he's sitting on our IKEA couch
in a Penn State jersey,
death-gripping a meatball sub,
just dry-heaving back and forth,
like, "This isn't good, babe!
This is not good!"
I'm like, "Honey, look at me,
look at me, right now.
Look at me.
Focus, okay?
We got to be a team, we are locked
and loaded, dial it in!"
And he was like, "Babe.
Babe, I can't do this.
I can't do this shit.
You know my biggest fear is...
You know, my biggest fear is dying!"
No fucking shit, Jeff!
Of course your biggest fear is dying!
I think
that's everybody's biggest fear!
Actually, mine is getting
my Nordstrom credit card declined,
and that's on God.
You know that tomato basil bisque
is fire!
I will say though,
as much of a little bitch
my husband can be sometimes,
he was really my champion.
We've been going
through some fertility issues.
And I was really bummed last year.
Couldn't have a baby.
But he said, "You know what,
let's get a dog.
If we can't have a baby.
Let's get a dog."
Any dog moms out there?
Hell, yeah.
Crazy bitches.
I love it.
I want you to know,
I did try and rescue.
Any rescue moms out there? Yeah.
Did you rescue?
Did you get that rescue?
Good for you.
I tried.
Hand to God, I tried to rescue, okay?
But after like
the seventh rescue agency
that like, did a "light background
check" on me, you know what I mean?
I got denied.
And my husband was pissed.
Like, "You know what?
Fuck this.
Look at me in the eyes.
Get dialed in, Heather.
This is bullshit.
We deserve to be dog parents.
Listen to me.
Listen to me right now.
I want you to go to Chase Bank,
I want you to get out $6,000 cash.
We're going to get a purebred!"
So you know what we did?
Peak pandemic,
we got in my Jetta.
we drove up
to the Georgia-Tennessee border.
I pulled into
a closed Waffle House parking lot.
That's how you knew
the world was on fire.
I literally skeeted in...
Skeeted in.
Opened my sunroof,
I shit you not,
I handed $6,000 cash
out of the sunroof to a breeder.
She handed me my perfect little baby
Rigatoni Cannoli Gandolfini Daniels.
Through the fucking sunroof!
It was like a scene
from The Lion King, like...
And I love that dog so much,
that is my baby,
I don't know if you guys
recently heard this,
but there was a woman who was kicked
off a flight
because she was
breastfeeding her cat.
Did you hear about that?
Guess what?
I fucking get it, okay?
But the wild thing
is I got totally bamboozled
because I spent all this money
on a purebred.
I have the most
fucked-up dog you could ever imagine.
He's a Frenchie,
and they have a lot of problems.
But like, every time he takes
a shit, his eyes bulge out.
And yeah, he's just like
cross-eyed and straining.
And he doesn't bark.
All he does is scream
like a pterodactyl.
He's just, like...
Yeah.
So now when I take him for a walk
and people want to come up,
they're like "Oh my God, Rigatoni!
He's so cute. Can I touch?"
I'm like,
"No, no, no, I'm so sorry.
You should back up.
We're still in training.
You know, uh, he's a rescue, so.''
Thanks, guys!
I'm Heather McMahon!
Our next guest
is a fabulous comedian.
We are thrilled to have her.
She's an outstanding
stand-up actress, podcaster,
and host of Netflix's own The Circle.
It's Michelle Buteau.
What's up?
What's up?
What's up? What's up?
Come on, Jane!
Come on, Lily!
Come on, Jane!
Come on, Lily!
Oh, my goodness, thank you so much
for having me, you guys.
Ugh!
My Christmas Future in a blazer,
I love you so much.
I'll see you at the Kwanzaa party.
A-oh!
My goodness.
What am I doing here?
They didn't drug test me.
This is so nice.
Honestly, this is so nice.
The last time I've done stand-up
on Netflix, Trump was president!
That's crazy!
That's a long time ago.
The last time I did stand-up
on Netflix,
Adele and I
were the same size.
Good for her!
I don't know
if you guys remember this,
like at the beginning of quarantine,
when we were told that
we had to stay home for two weeks.
Do you remember that?
And I was like "Two weeks?
What am I going to do
for two weeks?"
That's so long!
I was doing
what everybody else was doing,
I was like, "Check out
my banana bread. Ow, super moist!"
Shut up.
Truly, all my Insta stories
were like, "It's quarantini time!"
Then three months in,
oh, I was a mess!
I was a mess, I went to my Instagram
just to see how messy I was
and I had this one post,
and it was just like,
"Hey guys...
how you doing?
Don't answer that.
I know it's a loaded question.
Can you just drop me your favorite
quote in times of peril?"
What?
Drop me your favorite quote?
If your girl is asking you
to drop your favorite quote,
you need to check on that bitch.
She is not well!
I am not well!
It really was like the Upside Down
in Stranger Things,
I mean, my friends were so messy.
Like my friends
with hair were bald,
my friends that were bald had hair...
it was crazy!
When I finally saw my hairdresser...
First of all, Black hairdressers
should have been deemed
"essential workers," okay?
When I finally saw my hairdresser
a year and a half later,
I was more excited to see her
than my mom.
I was like...
that son at the end
of The Color Purple,
I was like, "Mama."
"Mama..."
Some of y'all need
to see The Color Purple.
Really?
We got a reboot!
No excuses!
Oh man, and then we found out
how we could get the virus,
and it was basically like
all the holes in your face.
I'm not a scientist, but I was like,
"All the holes in my face?"
I was like, "I'm fucked.
My face is so big."
It's very expressive.
And you really got to know yourself
in an intimate way
with that mask on
all the time.
Like, do you guys remember
where you were
the first time
you burped in your mask?
I was like, "Who dat?"
"It me!"
It was like a face queef.
I was shooketh.
I had to call
my husband and apologize
for queefing
in his face for 11 years!
I thought it was fun!
I even have a nickname for her.
I call her "Caribbean Queef".
And she got a song.
Caribbean Queef
And I just had rice and beans
I'm someone's mom.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It was crazy, like we had
to wear a mask to save lives.
Like, that's what
we needed to do, right?
And like, when the people were dying,
I was so angry when I would see
someone's nose.
And it was always
an older man's nose.
They... I see y'all.
Y'all didn't give a fuck.
Bill, Bob, James,
whoever the fuck you are,
I saw... I was so mad...
I was like, "Put your nose away!"
You remember a few years ago
when guys were just taking
their dicks out at work?
And we were like,
"Nobody want to see your dick."
This time I was like,
"Nobody want to see your nose!"
These guys turned me into a Karen!
I was tattletaling at Whole Foods.
I was like, "His nose is out!"
"He is by the rotisserie chickens.
That is not okay!"
"Now he's by the oxtail.
What the fuck!"
It's not okay!
And during quarantine,
oh my God,
you learned
who your people were, okay?
Whether they were your friends
or your family,
I didn't know I had
so many anti-vaxxers in my circle.
It was bananas.
Like I had a lot of friends
who were just like,
"Michelle, why do you want
to get vaccinated?"
And I'm like,
"Because of death!"
What?
It's that simple.
It's that simple!
And then my friends were like,
"Man, you trust the government?"
"You don't think the government's
trying to poison you with that?"
I'm like ''No, Booboo, that Taco Bell
you eatin' is poison, okay?"
And it's always my friends that
were the biggest hoes in college...
that try to tell me
not to get vaccinated.
I said, "Bitch,
you've swallowed way worse.
Okay?"
Goodnight, everybody!
Whoo!
Um, we have a second here.
Should we talk to each other
or take a question from the audience?
- Oh God, take the question.
- Okay.
"Do you have a favorite cheese?"
I love them all equally.
Cheddar!
They're all God's children.
I used to prefer hard cheese,
but you know, now I'll settle
for a semi-hard... cheese.
Let's see, here's one more.
You were in the movie 9 to 5,
but what hours do you actually work?
Oh my God, all of them!
You know, 10 days after we finished
Grace and Frankie,
we did a movie together,
and then a few months after that,
we did another movie together.
And the second movie was
with Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.
I don't think...
I don't think this is
like a football audience.
And our schedule really tuckered
the football players out.
Yeah, those guys need
to learn how to hustle, right?
Well, our next comic
knows how to hustle.
Yeah, she does.
She's the first Latina woman
to produce, write and star
in her own
US prime-time comedy.
Let's give it up for Cristela Alonzo!
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Thank you!
Oh!
How you guys doing?
Oh, one more time like you mean it!
How you doing?
Jane, Lily, I have to say,
I am a first-generation
Mexican-American.
My mom never learned
to speak English,
and we used to watch 9 to 5...
or as she called it, Nueve a Cinco...
all the time, and we loved it,
because it was so great
to see a movie
where women could be funny
and smart,
so thank you so much.
It means so much,
I didn't expect it,
and thank you.
It really, like...
I'm just glad to be out, seriously.
Like, past couple of years
have been crazy.
It's been weird
how like, people showed you
like, their true colors, man.
You know what I don't understand:
anti-maskers
that are not good-looking.
Why?
Like I would understand
if the anti-maskers were hot.
You know, like if Brad Pitt
was like, "Fuck masks!"
I'm like, "That's right, baby.
Fuck masks," right?
And shirts, right?
"And shirts!"
But all these people
were like, "Fuck masks!"
And I'm like,
"Bitch, you need like three masks."
"Like I know
you don't believe in science,
but do you believe in mirrors?"
Like...
One thing I learned about
the past couple years too,
there's some of you that have
never gone through hard times.
You don't know
how to deal with struggle.
You know how I realized that?
Grocery shopping.
The food we decided to buy
when we had to freak out
and just like, level up, you know?
Like, I grew up on food stamps.
Growing up on food stamps, that means
that like, every month is a pandemic.
I was made for this, a Mexican.
Yo, every month, rice and beans.
Done.
They told us we got to lock down,
I'm like, "I'm good.
Rice and beans."
Hey, I don't wanna brag.
I got money.
Am I going to buy a loaf of bread?
I'll buy a loaf of bread.
Fuck it, yeah.
I got peanut butter money.
Fuck yeah, I do.
I don't want to brag.
Crunchy?
Damn right.
But I couldn't go grocery shopping
right away,
so I was really nervous, right?
I don't want to brag,
but my,
like I live
in like Beverly Hills-adjacent.
Like if you open my window
from my bedroom,
like, "Oh, that's Beverly Hills
way over there." Like that's...
My grocery store
is in Beverly Hills.
I couldn't go right away,
so I was really worried that
all my stuff would be gone, right?
So, the day that I could go,
I was freaking out,
I ran over,
went straight to the rice and beans,
and guess what?
They were all there.
In fact, it looked like people came
and donated their rice and beans,
like so many.
I went to the loaf of bread,
all there.
Peanut butter, all there.
And I started thinking,
what are rich white people buying?
So, I went to investigate.
Number one, sodas, gone.
Number two, cheese.
Not like Kraft singles and shit.
Like goat cheese!
Like all the cheese
that smells like feet, fucking gone.
Number three, wine.
Why?
To go with the cheese I just bought!
So I went
to a friend's house right after,
and I told her, I'm like,
"Isn't that messed up?"
She's like, "Yeah."
"Why were you buying sides?"
Like, no one had ever
called my food "sides".
I was like, "What?"
She was like,
"Why did you buy sides
and no entre?"
And I was like, "Girl, for poor
people, the sides is the entre!"
She was like, "Ew!"
Then I look at her counter,
and I see a soda...
cheese, wine...
and I'm like, "Man, the call is
coming from inside the house!"
But, I also want to say,
man, rich white people
can be helpful, too.
Like look,
I love white people,
you guys are great.
You know what I love?
You always come up with equipment.
Every sport has to have
an equipment.
You got Fitbit, just to see
how many steps you can do.
I asked my friends,
"Why do you have a Fitbit?"
"Well, how many steps
should I do?"
"How do I know when I'm done?"
When you're fucking tired.
Works for me.
Now, I don't want to brag,
but I like to go hiking.
I don't use any equipment
when I go hiking.
I love to go hiking but like, again,
I don't use equipment
because hiking is walking, right?
It's like hiking out...
"Oh look, I'm hiking right now."
Right?
Like, you know what I mean?
No equipment.
That's how I roll.
Couple weeks ago,
I was in Denver.
I was at the Rocky Mountain
National Park.
I decided to go hiking, right?
The trail is just dirt.
Flat.
And I'm walking,
and I'm like, I'm fuckin' hiking.
And then I see a white couple
with like their walking poles.
And there's no incline.
It's just flat!
And I'm like,
"Do you need balance for this?"
Like, really?
Like it looks like they're skiing
on rocks, you know what I mean?
And I'm like, "That's ridiculous."
I keep on my trail.
It starts snowing.
Like, snowing bad.
Snowing to the point where like,
the trail is hidden. It's covered.
I end up getting lost.
The snow's up to here.
I'm stuck.
And I'm like, "Fuck.
I'm going to die in a snow cone.
How do I get out of here?"
Guess what?
White people showed up...
with their equipment.
Not only did they have
the walking sticks,
you know what they had? They had
tennis racquets on their feet,
so they could fucking walk
on the snow.
They were like,
"We're here to help you!"
They pull me out of the snow,
really concerned,
and they look at me
and they're like,
"Did you lose equipment?"
I'm like,
"No, I don't use equipment!"
Years ago, I dated this guy.
He was a survivalist.
If you don't know what a survivalist
is, that means you have money,
but you like to pretend
you don't.
He taught me how
to hike and camp and everything,
took me on all these trails.
He always taught me,
"You know what's really fun?
If you finish the trail
with no equipment,
it makes you feel
real good."
And I started thinking,
never noticed that
"if you finish the trail," right?
So I'm telling the couple,
"This is how I learned how to hike,
no equipment, blah, blah, blah,"
And the white couple is like,
"Wow, are you guys still together?"
And I was like, "No, he was stupid.
Like I broke up with him.
He doesn't know
what he's talking about."
And they're like,
"And you still listen to his advice?"
And I was like, "Fuck, fair point."
And then I started thinking,
I don't know what happened to him.
I'm going to Google.
So I finish the trail, go back
to my car, and I Google him.
Guess what?
Fuckin' dead.
He died hiking.
He went to Thailand, did a trail,
was never heard from again.
And the moral of the story is,
"Bitch, I need equipment."
Thank you, guys.
My name is Cristela Alonzo.
Thank you so much.
Wow.
Cristela Alonzo!
And we have more amazing comedians
coming up.
But first I want to ask Jane if
she knows anything about the time...
I'm sorry, we're late. We're late!
Whoa!
What happened?
Wow!
This is a beautiful audience!
They really love us, Jane.
They're really happy to see us.
Jane, I'm so sorry we were late.
Our names, weirdly,
weren't on the list out there.
I don't know how that happened,
but I'm not sure if you put
our married names down, or...
A man married you?
I'm sure it was a mix-up, Mom.
Truly, it's just not a big deal.
Please stop calling me Mom!
Jane, you promised me that
after we wrapped Grace and Frankie,
they wouldn't bother us again.
These two are so funny!
We weren't joking!
Sure, sure.
Any-whosies.
So, Brooklyn and I know
how hard it's been for you two
to end Grace and Frankie,
and say goodbye
to your baby girls.
- It wasn't hard at all for me.
- Easiest thing in the world.
And so, we wanted
to surprise you both,
and remind you that we're always
just a phone call away.
Well, Brooklyn, they know that,
because that's why they're always
sharing their locations with us.
I have got to figure out how
to get them off my cell phone.
I don't... is it in the settings?
No, let's just throw
our phones away.
- Yes. That's a good idea.
- Get rid of them.
We love you both so much,
and so we wanted to raise a glass
to celebrate you both.
Yeah.
Oh wow, look!
The audience.
Oh, Brooklyn.
Mom.
The regular people
are getting margaritas, too.
That's nice!
- Mom...
- Other Mom...
you two are such amazing women.
We admire you as actors,
as activists, and as human beings.
Mamas,
it's been
such an incredible pleasure
to spend the last eight years
with you on Grace and Frankie.
Oh, God.
Here's to the last seven seasons
of Grace and Frankie!
And here's...
Don't drink it.
Don't drink it.
...to legends
Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda.
Our mothers!
Aaah! Oh, my God!
- I told you...
- Oh, it is so strong.
I told you not to drink it.
Stronger than
that security guard out there.
Oh, my God.
Okay, Madres?
Let's all squeeze together.
Because I'm sure the regular people
in the front row
want a picture
of the Fab Four.
Absolutely not!
No, fuck no, I'm not...
- No?
- Time to introduce the next comic.
She's got so many specials,
I can't keep count.
Please welcome to the stage
Iliza Shlesinger!
Thank you.
Thank you.
This is so nice to be indoors.
Right?
Have we forgotten the last few years
where we had to spend all of our time
outside like barn animals?
Like, this is so nice to be inside,
breathing on each other.
It was like a year and a half ago
that we had to eat
everything outside, every restaurant.
It's insane that
it took a pandemic
for Los Angeles
to get more outdoor dining.
Right?
And what was so crazy
was it was so dystopian,
but Californians are just...
we're so strong... eh...
and we're sitting out there,
and we're just like,
"We don't care!
We're getting to eat outside!"
And we convinced ourselves
that it was fun.
"We're eating outside!
Isn't this so Parisian?
This is so elegant!
This is so refined!"
You are eating
behind a cement police barricade.
Like, in a bike lane.
Your waiter is dressed in riot gear.
This is... oh yes,
you have your mask off, tits out,
lettin' freedom ring.
This guy is dressed like a welder
making three dollars an hour,
no health insurance,
risking his life to get you started
with some jalapeo poppers. Yeah!
Nobody thought
about that, right?
Because we got to be outside,
we have avocado toast,
we're busy trying to cancel
each other with our thumbs.
That was a big...
That's a national pastime.
Canceling each other
in the name of wokeness.
Are we too woke?
Look at all the white people
looking around like, "Is it okay?"
I'm watching your little heads.
"Is it okay?"
"Just whatever you want.
I'm terrified."
Are we?
I think it's fair to say
that we have been in a woke-off
these last few years,
just trying to outperform each other,
whoever's wokest.
That is my greatest fear
as a white liberal woman...
obviously, I'm liberal...
I'm in all leather.
I mean...
And I do stand-up.
Of course I voted for Joe Biden.
I had no choice.
That is my greatest fear.
You can clap.
It's a comedy show.
All the white people, I felt your
buttholes just going, "Oh my God!"
"Please!"
That is my greatest fear
as a white liberal woman,
is that I will be out-woked
by another white liberal woman.
That is all of our fears.
We've talked about it
at the meetings.
That is all of our fears.
That is my greatest fear, is that
I'm going to be standing around,
talking to my Black friends.
I'm sorry, my Black friend.
And...
another white liberal woman
is going to come up.
Another white liberal woman
with my same face,
and my same bullshit fine arts degree
from back east.
Her name is like Rachel,
or like Aubrey,
is going to come up
and just rock me
on some like civil rights trivia,
that I should've known.
And then I'm going to have to pivot,
and I'm going to have to be like,
"Yeah, I didn't know who
Ta-Nehisi Coates was, but...
I saw Judas and the Black Messiah."
And then she'll be like, "I saw
it too. I went to the premiere."
I'll be like, "You lying bitch,
there was no premiere!
It was a digital release!" and then,
to bury her in my wokeness,
I will pivot harder and I'll be like,
"You know, it's not just African-
Americans who feel marginalized.
It's also Latino,
which is different than Chicano
which is different than Hispanic,
which is different than Latinx,
a term that only white people use.
I am the woke one!
The wokest!
That's the validation we want,
going into 2023.
That's what every white person wants
deep down...
they won't tell you... is for a Black
person to come up to them... slowly...
and to simply say, "You're alright."
That's all you want!
That's all we want.
And they've got to be Black,
I'm sorry.
The darker the better.
I know.
We can't say dark,
because then, "Cancel her!"
They've got to be Black.
Do not come up to me and be like,
"I'm Filipino-Dutch."
Get out of here.
We need Black.
I need a 200-year-old Black woman
to come up to me,
who's like been through some shit.
Like, ''Excuse me,
are you the woke one?"
On the polar opposite end
of the woke spectrum,
this next piece is entitled
"In Defense of the Karen."
Ohhh.
Don't "oh" me.
I'm not afraid of you.
So, couple months ago,
I got a haircut.
And like any sane person,
I posted the picture online
so that strangers would validate
that it was a good choice.
And I got this haircut
and the first thing
I noticed,
a lot of women were like,
"Right on, sister bear."
"It looks amazing. So sassy."
And I was like "Alright, I don't
really think of myself as sassy.
Why do women keep calling
this sassy?" And I looked into it.
Long hair is seen as very sexual.
Men prefer long hair. It's seen
as a sign of fertility, very sensual.
Short hair is seen as thumbing
your nose at the patriarchy.
That's what short hair is.
So, I'm just going
to stand here and say
this has nothing to do
with feminism.
I cut my hair because if it grows
too long, it gets scraggly,
I look like Tom Petty.
So.
But then I noticed a couple
of other comments from guys.
They'd be like,
"Hair looks good, but careful!
You don't want to go too short.
You don't want to be a Karen."
And I was like, "Oh, so your haircut
is what makes you racist. Got it.
Okay." But I started thinking
about it, and I was like,
"Okay, well,
what's a Karen?"
What's a Karen?
Anyone can yell it out.
They ask for the manager.
- It's what?
- They ask for the manager.
They ask for the manager. Okay.
- Who's they?
- Karens.
What do they look like?
Kind of business...
Why is a white person afraid to say?
"Kind of a businessy..."
They're white, and that's okay.
So it's traditionally
a white woman, right?
Now this is a description that
represents a subsect of women, right?
A Karen, historically, is a woman
who is racist, aggressive,
and perhaps most offensive of all,
often has chunk highlighting.
So.
But the term "Karen"
sort of became ubiquitous,
and we started using it
as a way to describe
any woman who
might be a little too loud.
Now by the way,
if you are a Karen,
if you are the kind of woman
who would, say,
put your hands on
a Wendy's day shift manager
for not filling up your pork-hoof
IV drip to the tippy top,
then fuck you.
But...
I noticed that the term
was so ubiquitous,
that we just started
throwing Karen around.
And then women, white liberal women,
started calling other women Karen.
And what you didn't realize
you were doing, girls,
when you call another woman
a Karen,
you didn't realize
you were picking up
the pre-sharpened tools
of the patriarchy
you so readily claim
to rail against
on your Instagram pages
and with your RBG tote bags,
and Slay All Day ros wine kits,
and you are killing
another woman, period.
Indention.
New paragraph.
I just had a baby.
And now that I'm a mother,
I think about children a lot more.
That sounded weird.
I walked outside with my baby
to get the mail,
and there were some
children playing in the street.
And I don't know how old they were,
like four or ten.
I don't know.
But I realized
that there was no adult,
which means
that I'm the de facto adult,
and I'm like, okay, I guess I'll
stand here to make sure they're okay.
And as I stood there,
a car drove by really fast
and scared the little kids
who were playing
in their neighborhood,
and I reflexively yelled out,
"Hey! Slow down!"
The guy in the... of course...
Tercel, yells back at me,
"Fuckin' Karen!"
And that is when I realized
in that moment
that whatever Karen once was
has devolved
into something different,
and if that's what a Karen is,
someone who's
a little too loud for your comfort,
I will be a Karen,
because here's what society has
to fucking get through their heads.
When you claw a living
out of nothingness,
when you make a career
in show business
and nothing was given to you,
and you take your hard-earned money
and you go to render legal tender
at a point of sale
and what you gave me
was not what was agreed upon
when I made this purchase,
and I want a refund,
or I want to speak to someone
who can rectify the situation,
you are goddamned right I'm going
to want to speak to a manager.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And this is a cool haircut!
You guys, have a great night!
Thank you so much!
Iliza Shlesinger, folks!
Wasn't she great?
I'm very excited
to introduce our next comic.
Hot from her huge success
on Tiffany Haddish's They Ready,
please welcome Tracey Ashley!
Thank you!
Jane and Lily.
Thank you for having me,
I love you both.
Jane and Lily, one more time.
I love you, Jane!
Well, I'm going to get with Jane
tonight, y'all don't even know.
I'm going to get with Jane.
Let me tell you, I've been dying to
get out of my house and get on stage.
All I been doing these last two
years, y'all, is sitting on my ass,
binge-watching TV,
and eating!
I read online, this woman said
she gained 70 pounds
in these last two years
working from home.
And now her job wants her
to come back to work in person!
She said she's scared
to go back to work
because there's more
of her person, y'all.
I feel her.
You know, she was fed up by the last
time somebody commented,
"Oh, you look different!"
"Get off me!"
"I cut my hair."
I just want to be thin enough
this summer
to get into
a pair of capri pants.
Some people want to get into
a bikini, I want to get into capris.
Because I want to frolic.
That's what skinny girls do
when they wear capri pants.
You've seen them outside frolicking,
'cause that's when they eat.
They eat the air,
they're like "argh."
"Argh."
"Oh my God, I am so full.
I have had too much oxygen!"
When you a little big bigger,
you don't frolic.
You say shit like,
"I'll meet you over there."
"Save me a seat."
And listen, I got the skinny legs
to do the kick-off right here,
but I can't get the lift-off, right?
because I got this FUPA
right up under here.
It lowers my center of gravity,
I can't get, take the...
Just watching so much television,
oh, and it's crazy because
there's so much out there
for us to watch!
I find myself watching shit
I've seen a million times.
I was watching this crime show I love
called I Survived.
Oh, this show is crazy, y'all.
It's about where
these people tell stories
about how they survived
these gruesome attacks
they should not have survived.
They're sitting there talkin'.
This one woman,
she was stabbed a million times.
She was put into a barrel, y'all.
They put the top on the barrel,
kicked it down the hill.
It rolled into a snowbank.
It was negative degrees.
She was out there for three days,
and she survived!
I don't want to be on that damn show.
I don't want to be on that show,
because some clumsy-ass killer
stabbed me 17 times
and he missed every vital organ.
I would get mad,
"Give me the damn knife!
You don't know how to kill nobody."
I don't want to be on that show
because some guy tried to strangle me
for several hours
but he couldn't get the job done,
because he had small clammy hands.
I'm on the show:
"He tried to choke me for five hours,
but his hands were soft
like baby powder.
I kept slipping out. Ugh.
I even said, 'Let me choke you!'
I survived."
I wrote that last part
of the joke when I was high.
Yeah.
I live in Indiana,
so whenever I come to California,
I get a chance to try the herb,
and it always takes me back
to that first time I ever tried.
I never smoked pot when I was young.
Waited until I was a full-grown
responsible adult to do it.
Went to a party with some comics.
And I don't drink alcohol, y'all,
because I have developed an allergy
to alcohol.
So I'm standing there,
drinking a Sprite or something,
I don't know
what I was drinking.
And this guy comes up,
"Tracey, you're not drinking?"
I said no.
"What, are you trying to be sober?"
I said "No, when I drink alcohol,
my stomach burns."
He's like, "Tracey,
our stomach burns, too.
But we're like fuck it,
keep on drinking."
I said "I can't do that,"
so then they started smoking weed.
I'd never smoked it before.
They thought that was funny.
So, I'm sitting there,
going to have this experience.
I take my first puff, hit,
I'm waiting for something miraculous
to happen.
Nothing happens.
I said, "This is boring."
They're like "Relax,
it's your first time."
No one's paying attention
to me. I've never done this.
I take another hit,
after another hit,
after another hit,
after another hit,
after another hit.
All of a sudden,
I'm slumped in the couch.
"Hey!
This marijuana ain't working.
You know, I'm a full time comic now,
I have different worries.
Maybe that's why it ain't working.
I don't have health insurance.
I used to have a day job
and I had health insurance,
and I would go to the doctor
and I would pay a co-pay.
Sometimes it was five dollars,
maybe it was 20 dollars
depending on what
I went to the doctor for.
I went to the dentist's office
and he didn't have a co-pay
because that office was different.
You know in Canada,
they have free health insurance."
My brain is saying, "Shut the fuck
up" but I can't do that right now.
Thank you all so much!
I'm Tracey Ashley.
One more time
for Tracey Ashley!
Wow.
And one more question
from the audience.
- Jane Fonda.
- What?
"Jane Fonda, what is your exercise
routine named?"
- You got to be kidding.
- Hello.
It's called the Jane Fonda Workout.
Be nice, be nice, okay?
There were only 22 tapes
and 17 million copies sold...
Our next guest
is a wonderful
comedian, actor, and author.
Reveal yourself!
Please give a lot of noise
for Anjelah Johnson Reyes!
Jane and Lily, thank you so much
for paving the way
for girls like me
to be funny.
Thank you!
Yes!
This is so fun!
I get to be here, doing stand-up
with my homegirls.
I've been doing stand-up since
I was 24 years old... I am now 40!
Thank you for cheering for that part.
I'm entering that next phase
of my life, I'll be honest,
I'm having a hard time with it.
I thought I was going to be that girl
that no matter what age I was,
I was just going to embrace it.
Like, "That's me!
Yes, queen, yes."
Turns out that's something you say
in your 20s.
Then you get to your 40s and you're
like, "Woo, no queen, what happened?
Oh no, that's too much eyelid!"
It's scary getting older.
It's scary for women getting older,
because men, if you get gray hair,
that's sexy.
That's salt and pepper.
Hey!
Women, we get gray hair
and it's like, "Oh...
what happened?"
Got to start changing some things
about my life.
I can't keep shopping at
the same stores I used to shop at.
Like Forever 21?
No, you're not.
Turns out, that was a lie.
I cannot be in line
behind some 21-year-old,
buying the same dress
as her.
She's out here living her best life,
I'm trying to remember
to take my vitamins.
We like the same dress,
but for different reasons.
She's like, "Ooh,
it has pockets for my ID!"
I'm like, "Ooh,
pockets for my Tums!"
Yeah.
I'm approaching the age
where I'm going
to start getting my clothes
the same place I get my groceries.
Say I won't.
You will catch me at Costco.
Yes.
About to get them Kirkland jeans...
them Kirkland socks...
that Kirkland body wash...
Eh, this Kirkland gang gang, what?
That's about to be my new Tuesday.
Going to start out front, get me
a hot dog and a soda for $1.50!
Say I won't.
Then I'll flash my VIP card
and mosey on in.
I'll start with a lap of samples.
Then I'll put my hair in a ponytail,
make a lap in the other direction.
Round two!
Hey, but if you come in for a second
sample, though, be warned.
These sample ladies get offended.
They act a type of way if you come in
for a second sample.
Like they have been baking
from scratch all day long.
Like, "Really, Beth?
Just give me another chicken tender.
Why you got to do this?"
Like, It's embarrassing enough
just asking for a sample.
Because you got to pretend you
never heard of this product before!
"You said it's a tender?"
"You dip it?"
"Okay, I'll try one."
It's hard getting older.
And there's too many acronyms
to keep up with to stay cool.
Like somebody texted me the other day
and they were like, "TLDR,"
and I was like, "What's that?"
She said
"Too long, didn't read."
I was like, "Oh.
Well, too short, didn't understand."
I know BRB and LOL, that's it.
I stay right there.
And I have come to realize that I am
far too generous with my LOLs!
LOL has become a common courtesy.
It's just a thing you say.
Like another common courtesy.
If somebody's by you and they sneeze,
what do you do?
You move six feet, and then,
what do you say?
Bless you.
Are you really blessing them
from God?
No, you're not!
It's just a thing you say.
If your friend texts you and they're
trying to be funny, what do you say?
LOL.
Did you really laugh out loud?
No, you didn't.
At this point, LOL just means
"I have received your text."
If I reply to your text with LOL,
at most, a little bit of air
came out my nostril.
If I reply to your text with LOL,
this is how I read your text.
Like, it was funny,
but I don't know
how to type back.
But if I reply to your text
with "hahahahaha," that's funny.
If I reply to your text
with "bwahahahahaha,"
like "B-W-A-H-A-H-A"
that means it was so funny I had
to spit something out of my mouth.
But if I reply to your text
with rows of "hahahahaha,"
I start using other letters
like "hijklmno-haha-pqrst,"
that means that
I said something funny
and I'm really proud of myself.
I'm Anjelah Johnson Reyes, thank you
guys so much, have a good night.
Oh wow, this next stand-up comedian
is a real force.
But before we bring her up,
there's an audience question
burning a hole in my pocket.
"Who has been arrested more:
Jane or Lily?"
- That would be me.
- Well, five or six times, that's it.
I look good in orange.
What do you want me to say?
We know, we know.
Now please welcome to the stage
an amazing advocate
for Asian-American women
and the queer community,
and a fearless trail-blazer
in the world of stand-up:
Margaret Cho!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Jane.
Thank you, Lily.
I love you.
Thank you.
I can't wait to get arrested with you
when we protest
the overturn of Roe v. Wade!
Yes!
I'm so glad that we're all here
and we're all together.
This is incredible.
And it feels like some things
in the pandemic have gotten better,
but you know
what hasn't gotten better?
Violence against Asians.
This is really scary to me.
Being an Asian woman, I am scared.
I am scared to be set on fire!
Don't set me on fire!
I'm very flammable.
I'm dry, I have dry hair,
I have dry skin,
I have a dry pussy.
Ooh!
If you fuck me, it sounds like
you're making a balloon animal.
But I'm scared.
I'm scared for Asian people.
And I go out,
and I'm all Asian when I'm out.
And I have my mask on,
but that doesn't cover this area.
Which, this area just screams
"Wuhan wet market."
This area is 100% ninja.
This area eats every part
of the animal.
So, then I wear a visor.
So you really fucking know
that I'm Asian.
And I'm out and I'm just scared,
you know?
I have my phone out,
just in case there's a hate crime.
Got to get a video!
Because if you don't have a video,
you can't have a GoFundMe.
It's a real fear.
It's a real, real thing.
And I think it started to escalate
probably after the Atlanta shootings.
Last year in Atlanta, a man shot
and killed many Asian women.
And he said it was because
he was a sex addict,
so I'm thinking that he was trying
to kill sex workers?
Don't kill sex workers!
Sex workers are important.
We need sex workers.
Sex workers are smart.
I should have charged.
You know? I...
I had a lot of sex that I really need
to be compensated for.
You know what I mean!
It's not rape...
but it's not
the best use of your time.
It's less consent, and more relent.
You know, you just go, "Alright."
And give him
the most unpopular hole.
If I had a dollar
for every time I relented,
I would be so rich.
I would be "Elon Fuck."
I would be buying Twitter
from a spaceship
with Grimes with a baby
named after an algebra equation.
But these women, I don't think
they were sex workers anyway.
I mean, sex work is
like hard, physical labor.
Have you ever tried
to bust a Viagra nut?
I think OSHA should be involved.
I was so worried
about all Asian people,
especially older Asian people.
So, my parents are 85.
I was worried about them, so I asked
them to come stay with me
at the beginning of the pandemic
because I thought it was only going
to last for a couple of weeks.
They're still at my house.
I will never get the smell
of Tiger Balm out of my nose.
My mom is so triggering.
She's watching TV,
she'll go "Ohhhh.
Ohhhh, I was on the news.
Nobody go to zoo.
You know?
Nobody go to the zoo.
Everywhere, all the zoo
have no money.
So now, at all of the zoo,
all over,
they have to feed small animal
to large animal.
Oh, when I hear this,
that make me so hungry.
Ah!
My stomach was really growling
when I hear it.
I like to eat everything.
You cannot say that, don't say that,
because they say the Asian like
to eat everything,
you know, and that's why
we have coronavirus.
And that's true.
But...
we didn't know!
You cannot blame Asian people,
we just like to eat lots
of different thing,
We didn't know that if we ate
something, everybody going to die.
We had no idea!
If we knew, we wouldn't do it.
We just needed snack,
you know, so...
We didn't know, but don't be
racist against the Asian people
because of coronavirus.
Because...
if you are racist
against Asian people
because of coronavirus,
you gonna catch coronavirus.
And then you gonna go to hospital,
and your doctor gonna be Asian."
Thank you so much, everybody.
Jane.
What, Lily?
Yeah? What?
Is there anything you want to ask me?
Is there, ah...
Oh, yeah. Oh, okay.
What's your favorite quote?
"Ask not what your country
can do for you...''
You didn't let me finish!
I wanted to know
what your favorite quote of mine is.
Oh.
Well, I like the one where you say...
"It's better to be interested
than interesting."
Because I think
you are so interested.
Well, thanks.
- Oh look, it's a piano.
- Thanks.
It's a piano!
Please welcome
Broad City's Eliot Glazer
and star and creator of
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Rachel Bloom.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Wow, what a night.
What a night it's been.
Yes, and what a stellar tribute
to women in comedy
and the amazing
Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda!
Ugh!
How does one end
an epic night such as this?
Well, with a musical number,
of course.
Yup, that's right!
What better way to pay tribute
than in song?
Now, it was kind of hard
to clear publishing rights
for some of our top choices.
It's standard red-tape stuff.
Industry, industry.
But, I think we managed to put
together something pretty special.
Because, Lily and Jane,
you're worth it.
And, as the great Bette Midler
once said,
"You got to have friends."
But we couldn't clear that song.
No, we could not clear that song.
Don't play that song, Jerome.
We could not clear it.
However, we're not going to let that
stop us, will we, Rachel?
Uh, no!
No, because if there's one thing
we have learned tonight
from these amazing women,
it's "Who runs the world?
Girls!"
No, but stop though.
Don't play that.
Yeah,
we super could not clear that.
Stop. Like, Beyonc's people
are very litigious.
Oh, no, I don't think
we can say "Beyonc."
- You can't, but I can.
- Oh.
Okay. That's fair.
Still, friendship is forever,
and no one proves that
quite like Jane and Lily.
Yeah. And at the end of the day,
there's one thing
we all know for sure.
Music is a universal language.
And we also know for sure
that songs in the public domain
- don't have to be cleared.
- No.
That's right.
So this is for you, Lily and Jane.
Should auld acquaintance
Be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance
Be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?
Oh Danny boy
The pipes,
the pipes are calling
From glen to glen
And down the mountainside
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow...
Oh my God, we could have
totally just said "she."
We should have said,
"She's a jolly good fellow.''
- Ah!
- It's just too late.
Which nobody can deny!
That's our show, guys!
We wanted to get you all here.
What an incredible night!
And our thanks to all the comedians.
Thank you for being here.
Thanks to all of you!
Thanks to all of you.
That's Lily Tomlin.
And that's Jane Fonda.
- Good night!
- Good night.
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
And the feeling's right
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
And the feeling's right
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
Oh, what a night
Huh!
Girls, y'all got the one
A night
That's special everywhere
From New York to Hollywood
It's Ladies' Night
And, girl, the feeling's good
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
And the feeling's right
Oh, yes, it's Ladies' Night
Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night