Jane Wants a Boyfriend (2015) Movie Script

- I pray thee, gentle mortal,
sing again.
Mine ear is much enamored
of thy note.
So is mine eye enthralled
to thy shape.
And thy fair virtues
force perforce
doth move me on the first view
to say, to swear, I love thee.
-Well, methinks, mistress,
you should have
little reason for that.
And yet, to say the truth,
reason and love keep little
company together nowadays.
'Tis more the pity
that some honest neighbors
will not make them friends.
Nay, nay, nay.
I can gleek upon occasion.
- Thou art as wise
as thou art beautiful.
-Oh, not so neither.
But if I had wit enough to get
out of this wood,
uh, I have enough to serve
mine own turn.
- Out of this wood
do not desire to go.
Thou shalt remain here
whether thou wilt or no.
I am the spirit
of no common rate.
The summer still doth tend
upon my state.
And I do love thee.
- Jane, where are you?
We needed you back
five minutes ago.
-Who is that?
I can't see,
but I know you're there.
Stage manager,
can you call security?
This is not
"phantom of the opera."
It's bloody Shakespeare!
Hey, working girl.
I've been waiting in the lobby
about 15 minutes.
We getting lunch or not?
Come on.
You smell like a cigarette.
- Well, shit.
I sprayed perfume.
It didn't help. You reek.
-Don't run and go tell mom.
- I don't run and tell.
You smell like smoke.
She asks me
if you're still smoking.
You must be smoking.
You don't smoke in your costume,
do you?
- Are you hungry yet?
I'm starving.
- You're starving?
- Yeah.
-You ate like five hours ago.
- Well, rehearsal
takes a lot out of me.
I noticed
you were pretty caught up
in your work today, too, huh?
Jane? Jane?
Come on.
No, no, no.
Get away from there, please.
I know you heard me.
Please don't act
like you didn't.
-I'm not gonna fall.
- You've gotten stitches
more times than I can count,
and I don't want to fish you
out of the river today.
- Eight times.
You can count to eight.
- Guys in the military
don't get that many stitches.
- Come on.
Let's get a hot dog.
-Where'd I meet rob?
-Yeah, where'd you meet rob?
- No, I heard you the first time,
I was just taking a second.
-You mean you don't remember?
-Cut me some slack.
My memory's not as sharp
as yours.
We were at a bar.
- Which bar?
- Romantic, right?
- Which bar was it?
Was it in Manhattan?
- Actually, no.
We were on the street
in front of the bar and...
-what street?
- Which street?
I don't know which street.
It was in the village somewhere.
-So you were in Manhattan.
East or west?
Was it near that park
with all the drug addicts?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's with all the questions,
Nancy drew?
Just curious, I guess.
You're coming to my birthday
breakfast tomorrow, right?
-Have I ever missed it?
- Uh, is your new friend
Lucy coming?
The one from your class?
- I don't like
hanging out with her anymore.
She has three cats,
and there's always hair
all over her shirts.
Hey, I'm sorry your birthday
lunch wasn't something fancier.
-No, this is all I wanted.
- Hi, mom.
- How was your trip?
- Brooklyn to queens? You make it
sound like some big journey.
- It's too bad
rob couldn't make it.
- Yeah, he's, uh,
working in the field today.
Had some interviews
with workers and stuff.
But he sends his love.
-Oh, we works so hard.
One day, they're gonna
give him the real juicy stuff.
- Mm.
- So, how's the apartment?
Everything, uh, unpacked?
- Yeah, pretty much.
We're gonna have some people
over tomorrow night
for a little
housewarming thing, so...
-You invited Jane, of course?
- Yeah, of course.
- Yeah!
Honey, you know what that means.
That means we have the house
all to ourselves.
-Mm-hmm. Mwah!
- Wait. Isn't Maggie coming over?
Or Hannah?
Does she still hang out
with Hannah?
-Yeah, she just...
Jane didn't want a party
this year.
You know how she doesn't like
all the commotion.
Honey, are those
chocolate-chip pancakes?
- Yes, they are.
- Oh, my god.
Jane wanted blueberry.
- Janey asked
for chocolate-chip pancakes.
-I don't think she did.
-Where is that girl?
- Oh, my god. -Janey, honey?
We're all waiting on you.
Pancakes are getting cold.
- This is just not a good idea.
- Are you guys all right?
You seem a little on edge.
-No, we're good.
We're good.
And Jane's great.
She's so,
you know, high-functioning,
so independent, and...
Actually, honey,
now that we're together,
we really need to talk to you
about something.
- There's the birthday girl.
- Oh, there she is.
- Happy bir...
- No, no, no.
-25 years old.
I remember when you were
just a little peanut.
Happy birthday, kiddo.
- I don't need candles anymore.
I'm not a baby.
-Told you not to use a candle.
- Honey, adults love candles
on their birthday.
Right, Bianca?
- Yeah, of course they do.
-Yes, of course they do.
-These aren't blueberry.
- They're chocolate chip.
Your favorite, sweetie.
-Told you.
-I requested blueberry this year
because I am a woman
and not a child.
But that's okay.
I'll still eat them.
- So, Janey,
do you feel any older yet?
- No, mom still hung up balloons
and streamers
while I was sleeping.
-Uh, Jane,
tell your sister how much
you love working at her theater.
-Yeah, I like it.
I wish they'd let me design
the costumes, though,
instead of sewing rips
and hanging stuff.
- That was good of you
to help her with, Bianca.
- I didn't pull any strings.
I just told her about it,
and she did the rest
all on her own.
- Did they tell you yet?
- Tell me what?
- You know what, Janey?
Uh, now's not the time.
Maybe, uh, later,
after pancakes.
- Yes, everybody
eat their pancakes.
- Whatever it is,
Jane already knows, so...
-Bianca, eat your pancakes.
-You know what?
Everybody just calm down.
-I'm calm.
Jane, you calm?
We're calm.
What is it?
-Uh, we're moving to Jersey.
-I think I'm gonna puke.
-You're so dramatic, Bianca.
- I'm dramatic, too.
- Of course you are, honey.
-Wha... I'm sorry, Jersey?
Why in god's name
would you move to Jersey?
-The countryside.
It's only like an hour
outside Philly.
There really are
some lovely areas.
-Please, mom.
You can't put lipstick on a pig.
- Watch your mouth.
- What did I say?
- Your mother and I have been
wanting to get out of the city
for a long time,
go someplace quiet.
- Why can't you put lipstick
on a pig?
-I can work on my book.
Mom can find a teaching job.
-Yoga. Mm-hmm.
- Besides, we can't afford
the area anymore.
- Please tell me
you're not selling the house.
Wha... j-Jane's okay with this?
You're okay with this?
What about your internship
and your class and her routines?
You guys know how important
her routines are to her.
W-what about Maggie and Hannah?
And what happens to Jane?
- They want her
to move in with us.
They want her to live with us.
Can you believe that?
I mean, I guess she wants to, as
well. I can't really blame her.
It's a hell of a housewarming gift...
- A beautiful bird.
- Bringing home my autistic sister.
- Make a man cry it's so beautiful.
Flies through the air
like an angel.
-Could you hold that thought?
- Yeah. Sure, pal.
Take your time.
We're just talking birds, okay?
- Thank you.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Babe, did you hear
what I just said?
-Uh, yeah, I heard you.
-And what do you think?
- Ugh!
Jesus Christ.
-What do you want to do?
- I want to be with you,
you know?
Focus on us.
- Yes, right. Yes.
I love Janey to death.
She is the best.
I just...
I don't know
that I would be comfortable
with that responsibility,
you know?
- Yes. Exactly.
That's what I told them.
- You told your parents
I didn't want her moving in.
That's not good.
- No, babe.
I just said that you might not
be 100% cool with it.
They were grilling the shit
out of me,
and I had to say something.
- Okay, yeah, right.
Listen, no problem.
Um, I have to finish this,
uh, interview
with this insane person
that Hewitt put me up to,
and I got to somehow spin this
and make this interesting
or readable.
I don't know. Um, so tonight,
why don't we do this?
I'm gonna make you
a late dinner,
we're gonna
crack open some wine,
and I'm going to hug you
and kiss you,
and we are gonna
celebrate your graduation
from working for tips, okay?
- Yeah.
No, I get it.
I'll talk to you later.
- Semipalmated plover.
- There he is.
Plover, yes.
Beautiful creature.
I guess the point
I'm trying to get at, buddy,
is the teenagers come in here
at night when I'm not here.
They won't let me
stay overnight...
Another story entirely.
-Jane, come on. Open up.
- I've got your pancakes here,
and you only had like one bite.
-I'm not hungry.
-I'm not going back to him.
-That's silly.
Of course
you're going back to him.
if you don't go back to him,
you'll spoil everything for us.
You can see that, can't you?
- You smell like smoke.
Mom's gonna say something.
- If I stay married
and keep you on the side...
- I'm sorry I got so frustrated
at the table.
- and when I'm lonely...
- It's just a lot to take in
on the spot.
You know?
- Oh, brother.
-M-mom and dad just...
I love this part.
- Is that what you
expected of me?
-Helen, listen.
What's the matter with you?
- Suddenly I've gotten
very cold feet.
- Hey, I'm having a housewarming
party tomorrow night, Jane.
I want you to come.
We can talk about all this scary
moving stuff later, okay?
You'll come, won't you?
We've talked about this, Jane.
You have to get
out of the house more often.
We've talked about it, right?
-Okay, fine.
I'll go.
Just be quiet, please.
I can't listen to you and have
my eyes work at the same time.
- I need that fucking squash
in two.
- It's coming.
It's coming.
-Don't you fuck with me, Jos.
- Pick up! Thank you.
- Eta on those lobsters?
Who's working those lobsters?
Somebody better be working
those fucking lobsters.
- Here's your re-cook...
Hope the bastard chokes.
-Yeah, very good, very good.
- I told you I'm gonna
make that happen, right?
Kim the waitress?
- Ohh.
- Eyebrows.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Beautiful.
-Jackie boy, how's it hanging?
-Hey, gyp.
Not bad, man.
Was in the weeds.
Now I'm not in the weeds.
-That's great.
Say, Jack, got anything
on the back burner for me?
I'm fresh out of new recipes.
Yeah, gyp,
let me whip something up.
A filet of brook trout with
crushed pistachios and walnuts
with a light gray fruit butter.
There's some vegetables
and shit in there, too.
- Wow.
You made this for me?
- With my own blood,
sweat, tears,
and a little bit of snot.
- Ah.
Ah, that smells amazing.
- Don't mention it.
Figured everyone deserves
a last meal.
I'm meeting one
of the waitresses
when she gets off, so why don't
we open up a tab, huh?
"Jack's tab."
What happened to Christy?
- Oh, it's Kim now.
Kim's the waitress?
-Yeah, Kim's the waitress.
- Christy seemed nice.
You two were cool together.
-Yeah, just different schedules.
You know.
- Some things
were getting serious, huh?
-Things were never serious.
Looks like everyone's
got the same idea, huh?
- Hmm. Yeah.
It pays to have regulars.
- You got some nice regulars.
Oh, shit.
Oh, man.
I can't believe
it's your last night.
And some company
for the occasion.
The only other guy
in here looks like a pirate.
- And it's still early.
How about that?
- Well, here's to you,
a fully employed actress
supporting herself
off the fruits of her own labor.
Mazel tov.
-Here's to paying equity dues.
- You look like you been
sucking on a lemon.
What is the problem?
Not enough presents for you?
-No, it's just...
It's been a long day.
That's all.
- Come on.
It's your last night.
Just don't take my lucky.
Don't look at me like that.
It's late.
He doesn't care.
Look at this guy.
Give me one of these.
-How's my Robbie boy?
Excited for his big
coming-out party tomorrow?
He's insane.
- Ugh.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hey. Welcome to fish bar,
where it's always happy hour.
Watch out for that puke there.
- Oh.
- What you got?
You can leave those with me.
I'm just joking.
You can put them right over here
with all the other goodies.
Chocolate chip?
Where's Bianca?
- She's getting the mop
for that mess over there.
Have a seat.
I've been saving this seat
for a pretty gal
going on 10 minutes now.
What are you drinking?
Or stand.
Standing's good, too.
- You just said you were
saving it for someone.
- I'm sorry.
Is it the smoke? Here.
It's out.
-You really shouldn't do that.
It's bad for you.
And it's illegal
to smoke indoors
in the state of New York.
- I've heard that.
I've also heard
that cookies make your butt big.
Well, I'd rather have
a big cookie butt than be dead.
- Yeah,
'cause then you could eat
your own big cookie butt.
- Stop it.
I'm not that funny.
You'll make my head big.
You, uh...
You must be
in the Bianca's regulars club.
I'm a member, too.
I'm Jack.
It's okay.
They're clean.
- Can you just tell her
I brought her cookies?
They're her favorite.
-Yeah, sure.
-It was nice meeting you!
- Who should I say you are?
That's a fucking good cookie.
- She's my sis
and you take care of family,
but what they're asking,
it's like they're forcing me
to say it.
Say what?
- Well, there's no nice way
of telling someone you love them
but you don't want them around.
- No, you don't have to explain
yourself to me. I get it.
If Mischa wanted
to move in with me,
I'd be like, "hell no, bitch."
- They're asking me to take on
a full-time job
when I'm about to be up to my
tits in eight shows per week.
And looking after her isn't
exactly a cakewalk, you know?
- I know. I remember how she was
in high school.
But she seems much better now.
-No, yeah, you're right.
She is better.
There's just a lot.
She's... a lot.
- Well,
then why did you invite her?
-Hi, Robbie.
-Hi, uh, Cynthia on my table.
-What was that, honey?
- I just said,
why did you invite her, then,
if you don't want
to deal with her all night?
- Well,
I had to cheer her up somehow,
and pancakes weren't exactly
doing the trick.
- I just... I don't... i-i
don't want you to keep an eye
on her the whole time is all.
- I got it covered, babe.
- Yeah, I know.
I just... I have a lot of
friends coming from work is all.
-So I'm just stressed.
Forget I said anything.
- Is that why you're wearing
a tie?
- You don't like this?
- I got to go get dressed.
Cynthia, bowl these.
- Okay.
- Stand clear
of the closing doors, please.
- It's such a...
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Good evening.
My name's Jane.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Good evening.
My name's Jane.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
You do know my sister.
- Oh, Bianca,
how's playing Titania?
- Oh, my god. Wait.
Is that the "midsummer"
directed by Harrison west?
- When did this happen?
How'd you get the part?
- Um, there was an open casting
call on backstage, and...
- didn't he direct "die hard 6"
or something?
- I think it is incredible
how he is making
the transition
from screen to stage.
-That's so amazing, b. B.
I'm, like, so happy for you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Just... can you
excuse me one minute?
Sorry, guys.
-Already a fucking diva.
- Ew.
- So... -oop, oop, oop.
- So, yeah.
-Wait. When is the wedding?
- Uh, well, we haven't set a date
just yet.
- Well, are you thinking
a summer wedding?
- Uh, not sure. Uh, most of
my family lives in Boston now.
Most of hers are here.
It's just a question
of where to funnel them.
- I've always wanted
to get married someplace warm
like the Bahamas.
Nice digs, Robbie boy.
- Uh, thanks, my man.
We are very happy with it.
Uh, a lot less noisy
than the village was, you know?
Uh, low crime.
Subway's just two blocks away.
Came with this awesome swing.
- Relax, rob.
We're not looking to buy it.
- All around,
we're pretty jazzed.
- Really?
You're jazzed?
Jesus. Oh, excuse me.
Boy, sure can jam in a crowd.
Who are all these people, man?
Do I know any of these people?
- Well, if you don't,
this is, uh...
This is typically
where you would meet them.
- I guess you don't pal around
with the old posse anymore, huh?
-Well, you're here.
- Hmm.
- Yes.
Yes, we are.
-So, um... uh...
- Kim.
- Kim,
you must know Jack
from the restaurant, then.
- NYU.
- What?
- She goes to Fordham.
- Fordham?
I have a good friend
who works there... bill Manning.
He's adjunct, teaches a couple
of journalism classes.
You must've heard of him.
I'm gonna go get another drink.
- Hey, sure.
Get me one, too, huh?
- Whoa. What are you doing?
- Oh. Sorry.
Didn't see you.
-Can she drink?
- Yeah, she can.
Don't be an asshole.
-I'm sorry. I'm just teasing.
You have to catch me up
to speed.
Tell me... what happened
with the Christy chick?
- Why does everyone
keep bringing Christy up?
That's ancient history.
- Okay. I'm sorry, man.
I had no idea you guys
weren't together anymore.
Apologies. Please.
Tell me more about this, um...
this Fordham chick who is
drinking all of my good wine.
That's a $100 bottle.
-Oh, well, excuse me.
-How's that food, Jane?
Rob was marinating
those suckers all night.
-It's all right.
- Just because it's
not grilled cheese
doesn't mean it's not good.
- What's the matter
with grilled cheese?
- Nothing... as long
as you don't eat it every day.
Next time, it's a light puree.
-Hey, is that daddy's shirt?
- Yeah, he said I could wear it.
- Oh.
Well, if you want,
you can go hit my closet,
find something dressier.
-No, I like this shirt.
This is dad's writing shirt.
I sewed the button back on.
-There it is.
What do you say
we try to go join the party?
We can't really
stay in the kitchen
all night eating all the grub.
-There are a lot of people here.
-Yeah, and they are all nice.
Isn't that right?
- Yeah.
I make a mean Margarita.
Helps me relax.
Makes talking
to all these people easier.
How about I make you one?
- How about we don't?
And she'll just have soda.
- No, I'd like one.
I had a beer with dad
in Cape Cod last summer.
I can answer for myself,
thank you very much.
A little one.
-Got it.
- Jane, you are looking
fabulous tonight.
I am loving that sexy man shirt
on you.
-Whoa. Easy.
- What?
She looks beautiful.
All the guys
are gonna want a piece of you.
-Cynthia, zip it.
-Why don't you zip it?
Maybe I want to turn some heads.
It's none of your business.
- I'm gonna go see if anyone
else wants a Margarita.
- You don't have to stay here
and babysitting me all night,
so how about you just
butt out of it?
- Boo!
- Oh, fuck, Jack.
You scared the shit out of me,
-I know.
- Come on.
- Ugh.
- Just don't take my lucky.
-Bad influence.
Quite the crowd in there.
You should've charged a cover.
-You look beat.
- I noticed
you brought a plus-one.
Kim from the bar?
-She's not "Kim from the bar."
She's just Kimberly.
Or Kim. She likes Kim.
- Got it.
- By the way, don't let
this sour you on her forever,
but she's currently
in your bathroom vomiting.
That's a big word for you, Jack.
Three whole syllables.
-I didn't mean forever.
I don't know
what the fuck I'm doing here.
-Yeah, well, the party's inside.
Everybody up there... I don't
have anything to say to them.
It's like, what are we supposed
to talk about?
All I'm hearing is people
inviting each other
to dinner parties and weddings.
- You jealous?
- No.
I mean,
I'm not jealous. Maybe...
I feel a little left out.
Does that sound gay?
- Mm.
-I'm trying to be serious.
It's like...
It's like everybody went
and joined the grown-up club,
and it just dawned on me
that I forgot to.
- What are you talking about?
Jack, you're fine.
You're a sous-chef at
a restaurant in New York City.
- Come on.
We got 3h stars on yelp.
-I'm just saying you're fine.
You're... you've got a job...
- Yeah...
- you got Kim.
- That's it.
That's all I have.
My Facebook feed
is just like fucking clogged
with party photos
and vacation photos
and wedding photos
and baby pictures.
- Yeah. -Everybody I know
is fucking multiplying.
-Mm-hmm. You want kids?
- No. With overpopulation
and famine and ice caps melting?
No, it's... it's selfish.
Maybe someday,
but that's not the point.
-Well, what is the point?
I'm starting to get cold.
Is doing something
with their lives.
That's my point.
You, rob... everybody.
And then there's me.
Almost a decade after college,
I'm still single,
I'm still a line cook.
-Hey, sous-chef.
I'm not the chef.
-What's with all the beer tears?
This is very un-Jack-like.
Forget it. I'm gonna collect
my date and go home.
- Oh, come on.
Don't mope.
- I'm not moping.
- You're moping.
-Thanks for the lovely evening.
Give Robbie a goodnight kiss
for me.
- You're moping.
- I'm not moping.
-Excuse me just for a second.
Hey, Janey.
How are you?
Good evening, Robert.
You having a good time?
You look... Very nice.
- I like your tie.
- Thanks.
I, uh... I got it at a, um...
- Are those fish?
- I actually think
they might be baby SEALs...
SEALs playing with balls.
- I read your article
the other day...
The one about the whale
the washed up on the beach.
- Yeah, a baleen.
Big suckers.
Look like they got mustaches.
Uh, you want to meet
some of my friends from work?
They, uh... they also wrote
interesting articles, you know?
-No, I'm just gonna stay here.
You want me to stay with you?
- That's okay.
Thanks, though.
-All right.
Have fun.
I'm right over here
if you need me.
All right.
Aye-aye, captain.
-You okay?
- Don't look.
-All right.
You looking at me?
- Hey.
Don't run off!
I just want to talk.
- Are you following me?
- No.
Well, yeah, sort of.
I j... I just wanted
to apologize.
I didn't mean
to scare you back there.
A little jumpy, aren't you?
-How long were you spying on me?
- Not long.
And I wasn't spying.
I was just...
I was just watching you.
Only for a minute, though.
I didn't mean to be creepy.
-I don't do that all the time,
stare at people,
just so you know.
It's just sometimes I don't know
what to say to people,
so I watch them.
-I hear that.
I figured since we didn't get
to have that drink last night...
Oh, here.
Let me.
Fucking finally. Sorry.
That was supposed to look cool.
-It was cool.
-You thought that was cool?
I think you're pretty cool.
Those were some killer cookies
you made last night, by the way.
And I would know.
I'm a chef.
Chin chin.
They really can see everything
from up here, can't they?
- The empire state building
is the one that really matters.
As long as you can see that,
you know where you really are.
Without it,
you may as well be anywhere.
It's one of the wonders
of the world, you know?
I just don't understand that.
I understand it
may be interesting
that humans built it,
but a wonder?
I just don't get
you neurotypicals
and what you find awesome.
A storm on Jupiter
bigger than our whole planet,
black holes...
Stars collapsing
in on themselves and dying?
That I get.
You can see a star's death
for weeks after it's gone.
All that matter flying
though the interstellar medium
faster than the speed of light!
It's almost like it never died.
- Are you an astronomer
or something?
-I'm a costume designer.
- How do you know so much
about space?
-I read.
I don't know that much, really.
-Is it okay if I sit?
I suppose so if you want to.
- Would now be a good time
to catch your name?
I already told you mine.
-Your name's Jack?
-No, your name's Jack.
- Oh, my god.
She remembers me!
She remembers me.
- Now, come on.
What should I call you?
- It's silly once I say it.
- Aw, what?
Come on.
- Jack and Jane.
I love it.
See? I told you it was silly.
Forget the empire state building
and black holes.
That just blew my mind.
-Hey. There you are.
-Hey, Bianca.
I didn't realize
you were looking for me.
-I-i wasn't. Um, Janey,
why don't you
come back inside, hon?
Join the party, huh?
- But I like it up here.
-Come on. That's not safe.
- I'm having a good time.
- Jane, I said go back inside
and join the party.
-What the hell was that?
-What do you think you're doing?
- Look, I-i
know I've had a bad run-in
with a few of your friends,
but come on.
We were really hitting it off.
- What? Wait, wait.
That's my sister.
She didn't tell you that?
Okay, um, Jack,
look, do us both a favor
and stay away from her.
Y-you have no idea
what you're getting into,
so just stay away from her.
- What are you talking about?
We're just sitting here...
- I swear to fucking god, man.
You let a fart loose,
I'll know about it.
- Okay.
This is getting ridiculous.
Okay, so she's you sister.
I get it.
But what gives you the right...
She's a full-grown woman.
You're not her mother. What are you...
- listen to me.
Get your rent-a-fuck
out of my bathroom
and take her wherever it is
the fuck you take
chicks like that,
but you aren't going anywhere
with Jane.
Do you understand me?
I swear to god.
Hey, Jane, where are you going?
- I can't believe you.
Why would you do that?
Why would you embarrass me
like that?
- I know you're pissed off
right now,
but, Jane, that guy...
- he's the only person
that talked to me all night,
and you scared him away.
- Yes. Yes, I did.
Because he is only talking to
you because he wants something.
He is not good for you.
Let's just go back inside.
- You smell like smoke.
Get away from me!
- Please do not shout.
I have neighbors, Jane.
-Go away!
Stop hovering around me
all the time!
You don't even want me
talking to anyone.
Why did you invite me
if you don't trust me
to talk to anyone?
- It's Jack that I don't trust.
He is not the kind of guy
who would respect
how you're... different.
- Hey, everybody!
I'm different!
Big whoop-De-do!
Stop treating me
like I'm some baby.
- Well, then, why don't you
start acting like a grown-up?
- You don't care
about what I want.
You've never cared
about what I want.
-Yeah, Jane, I do.
Can you tell me?
What do you want?
-She wants a boyfriend.
That is so great!
- I'm just not sure
she's ready for a boyfriend.
I mean, at least she said she
wanted someone like rob, but...
- You thought
she'd never want one?
- She's always been
kind of a loner.
- You're just being
-Of course I am.
This is delicate.
I don't think
she's ever even been kissed.
- Well, have you asked her?
- No.
-Well, then, how do you know?!
-She needs to go out.
We should go clubbing.
It would be a totally new
experience for her.
She could let her hair down,
shake her tail feather.
- A nightclub. Yeah.
She'd fucking combust.
- Well, what about
a match. Com profile?
I'm on match.Com.
How's that working out for you?
-She just doesn't understand
what being in a relationship
I mean, everything she knows
she gets from watching
old movies.
And anyone we'd set her up with
wouldn't exactly be
expecting to walk her through it
or be an Aspy's first date,
for that matter.
If we were to do something,
we would have to take it slow,
find someone who's just as new
at all this as she is.
-Oh, my god.
There's this guy
I know from work.
He's super sweet.
His name is Steven.
I wouldn't go so far as to say
he's mentally handicapped,
but he's got something.
We only give him the easy stuff.
I think he could be perfect.
Come on.
Come on!
- I don't know.
- Come on.
We're doing it.
- Well, how... I...
-Hey, Janey.
Cynthia and I
missed you at lunch.
- Well, I had a lot of work
to do,
so I decided to eat here today.
I'm comfortable
adjusting my routine,
for your information.
- Well, um, when I'm done
with rehearsal, what do you say?
You want to come
have dinner with me?
Well, take my keys,
and when you're finished,
head to my place.
Take a shower.
Pick out something...
Whatever you like.
Sound like a plan?
See you about 6:00.
-Methinks, mistress,
you should have little reason
for that.
And yet, to say the truth,
reason and love keep little
company together nowadays.
'Tis more the pity
that some honest neighbors
will not make them friends.
Nay, nay.
I can gleek upon occasion.
- Thou art as wise
as thou art beautiful.
-Oh, not so neither.
But if I had wit enough
to get out of this wood,
I have enough to serve
mine own turn.
- Out of this wood
do not desire to go.
Thou shalt remain here
whether thou wilt or no.
I am a spirit of no common rate.
Jesus fuck!
Have to get one of the techies
to put some glow tape or
something, perhaps some flares,
pretend I'm an aeroplane
so it's safe.
- Titania, are you...
You present?
You with us?
- Yes.
My apologies. I...
-never apologize.
You sound like an amateur
brown-nosing idiot.
No more fuck-ups!
We're too close to opening
for fuck-ups.
From the top.
- Oh, I see their knavery.
This is to make an ass of me.
-I said from the top, Jeffrey!
- Y-you mean the beginning
of the play?
- Yes!
Are all actors
this fucking stupid?
It was a joke, people.
You're doing great work.
Theseus, Hippolyta,
get your tight little asses
on stage.
- A sweet little birdie
told me
I'm gonna fall in love
I know it's gonna happen
Flyin' all around me like
an angel from heaven above
I know that it's a sign
- sha, la, ooh
- that boy's
gonna be all mine
a sweet little birdie
told me
I'm gonna fall in love
- sweet-tweet,
sweet-tweet birdie
sweet-tweet birdie
- when he passed by, I saw
a little sparkle in his eye
I never saw before
now he's got me dreamin' that
someday he's gonna be my guy
he came over to talk to me
- sha, la, ooh
- smiled at me so tenderly
- sha, la, ooh
- sweet little birdie told me
he's gonna fall in love
- sweet-tweet,
sweet, sweet-tweet
- that little birdie
knows everything
- everything
- and we fly
around the chapel
when the wedding bells ring
- I know I may be butting
into something I shouldn't,
but, darling,
that's just the way I am.
You know, if I was smart,
I'd find myself another date
and forget all about you.
Now I know it was a sign
- Robbie.
- Hey, Jack the ripper,
what is up?
-Can you meet me at fish bar?
-What? Like now?
Well, can you give me an hour?
- What, you can't duck out?
Aren't you working?
-I'm in the office.
I got a meeting any minute now.
I'm not sure
how long it's gonna take.
-Robert, this is urgent.
- Well,
how urgent are we talking?
- You should be sitting at
a barstool right now next to me.
- Okay, I get it.
It's urgent.
It's urgent, man.
Okay, I get it.
All right, bye.
- Thank you.
- Ah, rob Shea.
Hey, long time no see.
How's, um... how's the morning
edition treating you?
- Ugh, grueling as ever,
but, uh, eh, it's not bad.
W-we miss ya.
How's... how's working
in the field?
- Well, you know, if you're
into covering the mermaid parade
and cycling deaths...
- it's a blast.
- What brings you around?
Don't you just
e-mail all your shit?
- I, uh...
I got a meeting with Hewitt.
-Ooh. Good or bad?
- I do not know yet.
- Yikes.
Uh, good luck.
Say, uh, Paul?
Didn't you once mention
you have a... a brother
that's... Slow?
-Well, he's autistic.
-Right. Right.
He's older?
He's younger.
-He's 29.
-Just wondering.
- Should've let me get
a cocktail.
- Be honest.
You didn't even want one.
-I had a drink at your place.
-Did you?
-Yeah. Cognac.
- Well,
I like what you picked out.
I haven't worn that in forever.
- You wore it when we went
to see grandma last Christmas.
-Take it. It's yours.
- No, it's yours.
I got it from your closet.
- No, I mean,
I want you to have it.
It looks really lovely on you.
- Rob likes me, right?
- Of course he does.
- I just didn't know if you were
the only one
who didn't want me to move in,
or if he doesn't
want me to, either.
-Jane, look at me.
Hey. Eyes on me.
Rob likes you very much.
It's just we both feel that,
seeing as he and I have never
lived together before,
we have to focus on adjusting
to each other, you know?
- In other words,
you think I'll screw it up.
-That's not what I'm saying.
Can we just focus on having
a nice time together today?
- I know you think I'll be
a burden, but I'll be good.
I promise.
I'll clean up after myself
and I won't bother rob
when he's in his study
and I'll give you plenty
of alone time to make love.
- Jane, I'm sure you would.
Can we just talk
about something else right now?
- What else is there
to talk about?!
We're running out of time!
Mom and dad already
started packing everything!
-Jane, I said not now.
Hey, I found you a date.
A friend of Cynthia's.
-That was fast.
-Did I do good or what?
- What's he like?
Is he handsome?
What did Cynthia say about him?
- Um, that he's got a lot
in common with you.
He's got a job at the bank...
At Cynthia's bank.
He's a banker.
- When are we gonna go out?
- I don't know.
When do you want me to have
Cynthia tell him you're free?
- Any night.
It doesn't matter.
- Well, let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
It's a first date,
so let's take it slow.
- I guess I'll keep the dress
after all.
You know, just so I have
something to wear.
-I bet he's handsome.
Bankers are always handsome.
-I want you to give me
Bianca's little sister's
phone number.
I want to call her.
-Does she have other sisters?
-How do you even know Jane?
- I met her here the other night
and then at the party.
- You talked to her?
- Yeah, I talked to her.
- She's interesting.
- You notice anything a bit, uh,
different about her?
- Yeah.
Like I said, she's interesting.
She's... she's shy,
she's awkward, even,
but in a fucking cute way.
-Does Bianca know about this?
- That we met?
Yeah, she told me to stay away.
- You should probably
listen to her, then.
You know how she can get.
- Fuck that noise.
If Jane told you
to stay away from Bianca,
would you have listened?
- That's not...
That's not the same thing, man.
- All I'm asking for
is her number.
Obviously, I can't go to Bianca.
-I can't do that, Jack.
I can't go behind her
back, especially not now.
- Why not?
Living together not, uh...
Not working out?
- No, no, no.
That's, um...
That's not it.
-What is it?
- I was just offered a position
as a foreign correspondent.
- You mean like real-deal
type of thing?
- Yeah, going to other countries,
flying in helicopters,
interviewing diplomats,
getting shot at...
All that good shit.
-This is good, right?
-Yeah, it's... it's great.
I mean, I know.
I know.
I'm gonna be
a real journalist... I know...
And report on things
that actually matter.
-Did you tell Bianca?
- Now's not the best time.
She's got opening this weekend.
She's been
stressed out lately as is.
- You got to tell her, man.
- No, I'm gonna tell her.
I just found out an hour ago.
Give me a break.
-Which way are you leaning?
- Which way am I leaning?
What do you think?
I'm gonna take it.
Of course I'm gonna take it.
They're gonna put me
on the front lines.
Of course I am gonna take it.
She can't expect me
not to take it.
- So, listen,
if you give me Jane's number,
Bianca will be none the wiser.
If she ever finds out, I can
just say Jane gave it to me.
- What?
Bianca won't believe that.
- Why not?
- Because Jane wouldn't do that.
Jesus Christ, man.
You're putting me
in a pickle here, man.
- Dude, you're, like sweating.
Calm down.
- Calm down?
You're expecting me to trust you
with my future sister-in-law,
and I'm sorry, Jack.
I just... I can't do that.
- Why not?
- W-why not?
Are you kidding me?
You serious?
Last night,
you were with, um, what?
Fordham? Kim? The week before
that, you were with Christy.
- How many women
did you fuck over
before you met the right one,
rob? Huh?
And don't bother lying,
because I know.
Dude, Jane and I...
Had something, man.
We did.
She said I was cool.
- You have to understand
what you're dealing with, Jack.
She's not like other girls.
- I know.
I already said that.
-Not in the way that you think.
She doesn't have
all the bats in the belfry,
if you get me.
- You mean she's crazy?
- No, she's not crazy.
She... she lives
with her parents.
She spends a lot of time
watching movies and sewing.
She has social issues.
- What's the problem?
Stuff like that?
-She has Asperger's.
Like rain man.
- I know what it is.
Why have you never
talked to me about this, man?
I didn't even know
that Bianca had a sister.
- Why would I talk to you about
my girlfriend's retarded sister?
- Jesus, man.
Don't talk about her like that.
- Oh, come on. Jesus Christ.
You sound just like Bianca.
I am cutting to the chase, man.
I like Jane a lot.
We play chess.
She reads my articles...
All of them.
But sometimes, man,
she is like a robot.
And I mean that
as lovingly as possible.
You still want that number?
- It's a matter of principle,
Mr. Harris.
I just don't like anybody
running out on me
twice in the same day.
- I see. Well, you see,
after I got the letter...
- I told you you didn't have
to make up any stories for me.
- That's right.
You did.
-Look, Pete.
- I know I may be butting
into something I shouldn't,
but it's just the way I am.
Even when I was a kid, I was
always the one asking questions.
You know, if I was smart,
I'd find myself another date
and forget all about you.
-Sweetie, it's pretty late.
You might want
to turn the movie down.
- I can't.
I'm practicing.
-I'm no fool, Pete.
- Well, just try not to wake
Mrs. Peterson.
She'll never let me hear
the end of it.
- After this week,
you'll never see her again.
So who cares?!
-What have they got on ya?
-One question at a time.
-Have fun, Janey.
- Well, my father's
retired captain of police.
- Oh, I see. That explains
your being a lawyer.
- I know I may be butting
into something I shouldn't,
but, darling,
that's just the way I am.
- Cabrn, I need that fucking
rib eye in three minutes.
Hey, come on, man.
Where are you?
Come on. I need the fucking rib eye.
- Sorry. I'm sorry. All right.
-Good job tonight, guys.
-Yeah, Jos carried my ass.
- I just wanted to say thanks
again for the other night.
- My pleasure, man.
Glad I could help.
- Hey.
- Whoa.
-Catch you out front.
- Okay.
See you. Goodnight, Mr. gyp.
You wouldn't mind if I put it
on special for a few weeks?
Like last time?
-I mean...
I'd have to teach Jos
how to whip it up
on my off days.
-That'd be great.
You know,
I knew you were one of a kind
when you first shuffled in here
six years ago.
I knew it then,
and I know it now.
Hang on to the good ones.
Keep up the good work, Jackie.
I owe you one.
Big IOU.
That's the last time, right?
- I've been making a lot
of soups lately.
Bisques, chowders...
You name it.
Soups are my Achilles heel, man.
I just don't get them.
So I'm sort of challenging
They're elusive.
- Mm-hmm.
-They have less rules to them.
I mean, think spaghetti,
for example.
You drop it in,
you come back 15 minutes...
That's just cooked.
But soups?
I really
want to be able to do soup,
'cause there's nothing better
than a good soup.
- Come on.
- No.
Come on, dude.
Hear me out.
They are wild cards.
- Okay.
- There are no rules.
- Okay.
- I mean, sure. You...
You can follow
a recipe, exact measurements
and all, you know?
But you follow that,
and the food's for shit.
A good soup.
I don't know.
You just got to be brave,
jump in there,
follow your instincts, you know?
And you got to pay attention
to it.
You got to keep trying it
and tasting it along the way,
adding everything it needs.
That's a lot of responsibility.
Takes more time.
It's more delicate.
And, frankly, man,
that fucking terrifies me.
Can't stay focused
on one dish that long.
I mean, you know
what it's like in there
when the shit hits the fan.
You got like 40 tickets
in your face.
You just churn the dishes out.
But soup...
I want to have that
in my arsenal, you know?
-You really like soups, huh?
-Kim, hold on.
Slow down.
- Wait.
Where do you live?
- Right around the corner.
- Oh, god.
- Come on.
-I think Jack saw us.
-Am I an asshole?
Tell me honestly.
You're a funny man.
Buenas noches.
-Buenas noches.
- You, uh, sure
you don't want me to come?
- I already told you
I can do this on my own.
And you know where you're going?
- Yes.
I wrote it down.
- Oh, do you want
me to do your makeup, or...
- no, makeup
is false advertising.
- What about
just a little mascara?
- Okay.
Maybe just a touch.
And you're sure
you don't want me to come?
- Bianca.
- Okay.
- See you later.
Have a nice night.
Thanks again.
-We're closing soon, sir.
-I'm almost finished.
-Maybe you want to buy it.
- See, this is why people
go to Barnes & Noble.
-Sorry I was late.
The traffic was a nightmare.
- You have a car?
- No.
I don't know
why I just said that.
I walked.
- Oh, it's okay.
I only waited about a half hour.
- You must've been early, then.
I thought we said 8:30.
I don't go out to dinner much.
- You ordered
the wine very nicely.
- Malbec was the only one
I could pronounce.
- So you like red?
-No, I prefer white.
-Malbec is a red, though.
My dad drinks it a lot.
-Should we order something else?
It's too late now.
I'm sorry I was late. It's kind
of thrown the whole thing off.
I was only late
because I wasn't sure
if I was going to come tonight.
Took me a long time
to leave the house.
- I'm glad you did.
- I am, too.
You're so pretty.
I can't believe my luck.
This type of thing
isn't supposed to happen
to a guy who still lives
with his mom.
-What do you like to do, Steven?
-A whole bunch of stuff.
-Like what?
- Making models
out of balsa wood.
- I'm a builder of sorts, myself.
I mean, I want to be.
I used to make all my sister's
costumes for the school plays.
Now I work
in the costume department.
They don't let me
design the costumes yet,
but I'm working
on this really fancy dress.
- I'll show you my models.
I like showing them off.
My place isn't too far away.
That's why I had
you meet me here for dinner.
-Maybe not tonight.
- I create exact replicas
of the wonders of the world.
Not to scale, of course.
- Don't move.
Stay exactly where you are.
- Oh, just let it ring.
- It could be the realtor.
Yeah? Phil here.
- Hello.
Uh, may I please speak to Jane?
-Who? Jane?
-Y-yes, Jane.
- No. No, no.
Jane's out on a date.
- She's on a date.
- Yeah.
A date.
Uh, well, would you...
Would you mind taking a message?
-I-i-i don't have a pen handy.
-Okay, that's fine.
- Your spot's getting cold,
Philly steak!
Hush, Margo.
- Listen, kid,
could you call back tomorrow?
I'm a little busy right now.
- Yeah, sure. Yeah, would...
Would you just please, uh,
let her know that Jack called.
- Sure, sure.
I'll tell her that Zack called.
Bye, now.
- Actually, it's...
- There's really nothing
quite like boating...
Feeling the wind in your cheeks,
unfurling the sail.
Do you boat?
- No, I've been on a boat,
I like the water.
I've taken the ferry
to Staten island
so I can look at the statue.
- It's funny.
Cynthia told me nothing
about you, and what do you know?
We have so much in common.
- What do you mean,
nothing about me?
- Just that, you know,
you were lonely.
- I'm not lonely.
- It's okay.
So am I.
-What are you talking about?
I have friends.
-I'm getting very uncomfortable.
You're... you're upset.
- What else did Cynthia
say about me?
She said you were like me.
-I'm nothing like you.
You're nothing like me!
- I don't like being alone,
Sometimes, but not all the time.
- Jane, everybody's...
- No!
I-I have to go now.
- Go where?
The bathroom?
- I'm sorry.
This was just so stupid.
- What did I do?
- No, no, no, no!
Don't come near me!
- Hey!
Be careful.
- It's okay.
This happens to me t...
Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Ma'am, please calm down.
- Jane.
- Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
Leave me alone!
- Don't make a scene.
It's okay.
-This was so stupid!
I hate you!
This was so stupid!
- Listen to me, Jane.
Everything's fine.
Everything... breathe.
Do your breathing.
I got you.
I'm here, okay?
We're gonna leave now.
Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Cynthia, do you got that?
- Got it.
-Jane! Jane!
- Whoa. Careful.
-Jane, don't do this.
Jane, come back here.
Damn it, Jane.
I'm wearing heels.
Jane, please stop!
Come on.
I'm getting a serious cramp.
-Were you spying on me?
-No, I wasn't spying on you.
I was trying to make sure
everything went well.
-What's wrong with you?
I told you not to come.
I told you I could handle it,
and you spied on me.
-All right, I spied on you
and you asked me not to
and I'm sorry,
but, Jane, come on.
That wasn't exactly handling it.
- I just wanted to go,
and everybody kept trying
to put their hands on me.
- They were trying
to calm you down!
I knew this would happen!
It's not my fault!
He didn't ask
a single thing about me.
He ordered for me,
and I didn't even
tell him what I wanted.
And Cynthia didn't tell him
anything about me.
- What are you talking about,
I'm sure that she did.
- All she said was
that I was lonely
and that I was just like him.
- She didn't say that.
She just meant that you guys
would have something in common.
-Based on what?
You only set me up with Steven
because he's lonely
and a little slow
and he would accept anyone.
That's what you thought we would
have in common, isn't it?
Don't even say anything.
It'll be just another
stupid apology
like the one you gave me
when you said
you didn't want me to move in.
You didn't even want me to come
to your stupid party, either.
I could tell.
And you know what?
I didn't even want to be there!
It's like you want to forget
I exist or something!
Maybe you should just forget
I asked you for anything ever!
You only let me down!
- Okay, okay, okay.
So we set you up with Steven
because he's slow.
And you're right, Jane.
I'm an asshole.
Is that what you
need to hear right now?
- Listen to me, Jane.
Listen to me.
I'm so sorry
that happened tonight.
I really am.
I just...
Life isn't always like it is
in the movies that you watch.
-No, it has to be.
It has to be or else
they wouldn't
have made those movies
to begin with.
- Jane!
Jane, where are you gonna go?
Get out of the way!
- Come on, miss!
What are you doing?!
- Hey, babe.
How'd she do?
That good, huh?
I'm gonna take a shower.
-Hey, I ran into Paul yesterday.
Do you remember Paul?
- Paul?
- Yeah, he's, um...
He's my buddy from work.
Turns out he's got
a brother with autism.
- Rob,
it did not go well tonight.
At all.
- Okay.
We will figure it out.
It's a farmhouse
in the middle of nowhere.
-Uh, well, I don't know.
Maybe she'll get a horse.
- Yeah, or maybe she'll just
sit inside all day
and stay on the fast track to
becoming some old spinster aunt.
Babe, what's going on with you?
What are you working on?
There is something
I need to tell you.
It's probably not
the best timing in the world,
-What is it?
- Mine ear, I thank it,
brought me to that sound.
But why unkindly didst thou
leave me so?
- Why should he stay,
whom love doth press to go?
- What love could press Lysander
from my side?
-What the fuck was that?!
Turn it off.
- What are you doing here?
- Simple.
I came looking for you.
- I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Hey, ma, what is it?
Bianca, sweetie, thank you
for calling me back for once.
-Well, you just blew up my phone
in the middle of rehearsal,
- Oh, I-i knew
you were preparing.
I had no idea
you were still rehearsing.
- Well, I am, so maybe next time
send me a text or...
- but doesn't the show
open tonight?
- Yeah, just going over
a few things.
Mm. You must be so excited.
- Well...
I wanted to talk to you
about Jane.
-What do... what do you mean?
-Just, um, you know, last night,
um, she was so excited
about her date...
- and forget all about you.
Only I can't help feeling
you're in trouble.
- I liked it better
this afternoon
when you stopped asking
- And then this morning
she wakes up,
and she starts watching "Kansas
city confidential" again.
Like twice.
I mean, right now,
she's on her third viewing.
-Did she say anything, or...
-No, just that it was good.
So... so you think
it's just one of her moods?
- Yeah, exactly, mom.
It's just one of her moods.
-Okay, um, well,
we're so excited
for you about tonight.
I wish you'd let us come though.
- Mom, you know I don't like
you guys at opening night.
I get nervous enough
with strangers, and...
I got to go, mom.
There's my cue.
- Oh, your cue.
I'll let you go.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Forget it.
- Love you.
-Mind your own business.
- Uh, Harrison,
I-I'm so sorry about that.
I thought it was on silent.
It won't happen again.
-I would hope not.
We open in six hours.
- Do you know how many times
I almost fired you?
The phone ringing
would've been a third,
but it's too late
to fire you now.
Why do you still have that?
- These are my...
My notes and my objectives,
and we will...
- screw your objectives!
It's opening night!
That's a fucking
security blanket, Titania.
Right now,
you're working too hard
on trying to control
everything around you
to make sure this fucking thing
goes perfectly.
The fact that you still
have this
shows me
You have no trust
in the people around you.
I need you to get up there
and leave all your notes,
and your personal shit
off stage.
Let go.
You think you could do that?
Just once?
Phil, will you get it, please?
It might be the realtor.
- I'm already getting it!
-Morning. Phil speaking.
- Morning. Is Jane around?
I'd love to speak to her.
- Uh, yeah, hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.
Janey, another fish
on the line for ya.
This one sounds
like a real catch.
- Dad, I haven't even
brushed my teeth yet.
-He doesn't know that.
Should I tell him to call back?
-Is his name Steven?
- Hey, is your name Steven?
- No.
-Give it here and go away.
- Yes.
And who's this?
- Jack.
We, uh... we met
at Bianca's housewarming party
on Monday.
- I'm sorry. What did you say
your name was again?
- So, uh, you're the fella
that called last night.
- Yeah.
I-I'm sorry if it...
If it was late.
I heard you're a writer.
-Jane told you that?
-No, Bianca.
Bianca and I are friends.
-I'm a writer.
-What do you write about?
- Developmental disorders.
-Good evening, Jane.
These are for you.
Ready to go?
-Yeah, ready when you are.
-Do you mind fetching my coat?
-Of course.
You're leaving so soon?
- We have a show
to be at, mother.
There are time constraints.
-Oh, but I-i made snacks.
I thought
we could eat some snacks
and g-get to know Jack
a little bit.
-Margo, let them go.
- I appreciate the offer,
and I will definitely
take you up on it,
but Jane's right.
We have reservations.
- Oh. Where?
- Oh, this little place downtown.
- We'll see you later.
- That's your cue.
- Right. Bye.
It was...
It was lovely meeting you.
- You, too.
Have fun.
- My shoes. Okay.
Do you think Bianca set them up?
-The eye of man hath not heard,
the ear of man hath not seen,
man's hand... hey, Titania!
You gonna knock
them dead tonight?
- Oh, yeah, bottom.
Gonna kill everyone.
The eye of man hath not heard...
the ear of man hath not seen,
man's hand
is not able to taste...
-Break a leg.
- nor his heart...
- It's not weird that I live
with my parents, is it?
- Of course not.
Why would it be?
- Most people
in their 20s don't do that.
-I think you'd be surprised.
-By what?
- How many people
live with their parents.
- You don't have
any other girlfriends, right?
-Romantic or just friends?
- I said "girlfriends,"
didn't it?
-No, I don't have a girlfriend.
What about you?
You have any other boyfriends?
- Why would I be
on a date with you if I did?
I'm not like that.
-No, of course you're not.
-Here we are.
-It looks closed.
That's too bad.
Maybe we'll just
have to break in.
Like I said, I'm a chef.
This is where I cook.
-You did all this for me?
- I just wanted a nice,
quiet dinner.
-This must have set you back.
-Boss man owed me a favor.
-If you'd care to sit.
Must've been a big IOU.
- It was, but I figured if
I was finally gonna cash it in,
I may as well make it
worth my while.
- Well, I'm honored
you spent it on me.
- I can make you anything
you want and then some.
Just say the word.
-Anything I want?
-Even if it's not on the menu?
-This shall be the meltier one.
-You're good at that.
-Yeah, it's a trick.
- Chin chin.
-Let me know what you think.
Is it a good one?
- Check it out.
Front-row seats.
Perks of being related
to the leading lady.
- I bet we'll get spit
on our faces.
-Who'd spit in our faces?
-Ooh, grab a program.
- Yes, milady.
- Your program.
-Thank you, sir.
- Whoa, check it out.
Cynthia and rob are here.
-Here are our seats.
-Ladies first.
-You've got seat 19.
Excuse me.
- Oh.
-Thank you.
-Oh, methinks, mistress,
you should have
little reason for that.
And yet, to say the truth,
reason and love keep little
company together nowadays.
'Tis more the pity
that some honest neighbors
will not make them friends.
Oh, nay,
I can gleek upon occasion.
- Thou art as wise
as thou art beautiful.
- Oh.
No, not so neither.
But if I had wit enough to get
out of this wood,
I have enough to serve
mine own turn. Toodles.
- Out of this wood
do not desire to go.
Thou shalt remain here
whether thou wilt or no.
I am a spirit of no common rate.
The summer still doth tend
upon my state.
And I do love thee.
Therefore go with me.
I'll give thee fairies
to attend on thee.
They shall fetch thee jewels
from the deep,
and sing while thou
on pressed flowers dost sleep.
- Oh!
- Peaseblossom, cobweb, moth,
and mustardseed.
- Ready?
- And I.
- And I.
- Where shall we go?
- Be kind and courteous
to this gentleman.
Hop in his walks
and gambol in his eyes.
And feed him with apricoks
and dewberries, purple grapes,
green figs, and mulberries.
- Hail, mortal.
- Hail.
- Don't worry.
It's okay.
-I cry your worship's mercy.
Oh, heartily.
I beseech your worship's name.
- Cobweb.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
-Good master cobweb,
I shall desire you
of more acquaintance.
For if cut my finger,
I shall make bold with you.
And your name, honest gentleman?
- Jane!
Jane, come back!
I'm sorry.
Don't run away.
- Jesus, Mandy,
what are you... I've got it.
I'll just do it, okay?
Leave me alone.
Mandy, I'm sorry.
-This seal of bliss.
-O spite. O hell.
I see you all are bent to set
against me for your merriment.
- Jane? -If you were civil
and knew courtesy,
you would not do me
thus much injury.
Can you not hate me...
- Jane, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Maybe we should go
back downstairs.
- to vow, and swear,
and superpraise my parts,
when I am sure you hate me.
- I don't think
we're supposed to be up here.
-Please go away.
- I'm sorry
I tried to hold your hand.
They said that this might happen
with physical contact and stuff,
the overstimulation.
-Who told you?
-Nobody. I...
it was something that you said
on the roof the other night.
You said, "I don't get
you neurotypicals."
I looked it up that night,
and I've been reading this book.
To be honest, rob mentioned it
when I asked for your number,
but I knew before that.
I mean, I-i couldn't
tell that you were...
- you must think
I'm some big weirdo.
-No, I didn't mean it like that.
There is nothing wrong with you.
I like you the way that you are.
I really, really do.
-I swear.
- vows, the hours
that we have spent
when we have chide the hasty-footed
time for parting us...
- I was only reading that stuff
because I wanted to understand
how you might feel,
how you might think.
I just didn't want
to do anything to mess this up.
- I don't want
to go back down there.
-Where do you want to go?
- so we grew together,
like a double cherry...
Seeming parted
but yet an union in partition...
Two lovely berries
molded on one stem.
So, with two seeming bodies
but one heart,
two of the first,
like coats in heraldry...
- Let's go. Come on.
- What are you doing?
- I don't have to go after them.
Come on.
- Jane can handle herself.
I'm sure she's fine. Don't move.
- and will you rent...
- She is not fine.
The plane has absolutely
Bianca's gonna fucking kill me.
- Oh, my god.
- Shut up!
- Sorry. Sorry. My wife.
I'm gonna rip his dick off.
- Rob!
- Wow.
Look at this place.
Pretty cool, huh?
Why didn't you tell me
you worked here?
This is incredible.
Look at this stuff.
-I've patched most of these up.
You know, a lot of famous actors
wore these costumes.
- What about this one?
Did you patch this up?
-I had to fix the zipper.
Bianca won't mind
if we miss the end?
-I've seen it like 50 times.
- Yeah?
-Stay here, and don't peek.
You could get lost in here.
-No, you couldn't.
Don't touch anything!
-Right. Sorry.
-I said...
Don't open your eyes!
- Right.
My bad.
- Are your eyes closed?
- Yes, they are.
-I'm trusting you, Jack.
-You can open them now.
How do I look?
-Absolutely stunning.
-I made it myself.
I hid it
with all the other ones.
Nobody else has
seen me in it before.
-Ah, man, that's what Bianca
should be wearing
out there tonight.
-No, I made this one for me.
I was supposed to get rid of it,
but I didn't.
I added this fabric
from another throwaway
and all the beading
and the stitching.
Nobody else wanted it,
but look at it now.
I wanted you to see me in it
because it makes me feel
-You are beautiful.
-Just so you know...
I wanted to tell you
about myself.
I did.
I don't want to lie to you.
I was gonna tell you on the roof
that night
before Bianca stuck
her fat head in.
I was just worried
you weren't gonna like me.
There was a boy
who wanted to kiss me once,
and then all of his friends
told him about me,
and he didn't want
to kiss me after that.
-I already told you I like you.
- He said the same thing,
but he was lying.
-Well, I am not that boy.
-Are you about to kiss me?
-Am I allowed to?
-I would like that very much.
Bianca, you were on fire
out there tonight.
- Let's see
how the next one goes, shall we?
- Hmm.
What did I tell you?
I'm never wrong.
All right, people,
let's get fucked up!
Ha! Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, you, sir,
were absolutely fantastic.
- Why did she want
to meet back here?
Everybody else is out front.
- It's the perfect place
to put a bullet in my head.
-Oh, would you calm down?
I need those.
-Did you like my father?
- I... I liked him
very much, yeah.
He had a weary eye for me,
but I liked him.
He liked me, I think.
- I think he thinks
you're handsome.
- Okay.
- How many seats
do you think there are?
- fairies floating about,
granting wishes.
Do you have any wishes
you need the fairies to Grant?
-I wish that we were
in a black-and-white movie
- Wow. Well, you know, I-i
speak fairy fluently, actually.
I mean, I'm not incredibly
fluent, but I can do it.
You have the most amazing laugh.
- Bianca,
before you say anything,
I gave Jack her number.
I know I made a huge mistake,
and I am very, very sorry.
I own it.
I swear I thought
it would make her happy.
I just... I wanted to...
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-I love you, babe.
- I love you, too,
with all of my heart.
-And I'm proud of you...
Like, big-time.
- I'm proud of you.
- Mm?
- Like insane-time.
You were...
You were incredible up there.
- Cynthia's wanting...
Wants to say something.
- I'm gonna get her.
- Hey.
You were so awesome.
- Thank you. Thank...
- These are for you.
- The cast is meeting
at that bar around the corner.
Uh, how about I meet you guys
there in about 10?
-What about Jane?
- I don't think
we have to worry about Jane.
-So what now?
-Uh, I guess, uh,
I put you in a car
and take you home.
And then I'll see you tomorrow.
And then we could
start all over.
- Relax.
I... I come in peace.
- Shouldn't you be out
with the rest of the cast?
- I'm pretty sure they'll still
have fun without me.
- Well,
if you're here to lecture me,
you should just go home.
I'm fine.
-I know you are, Jane.
-Hey, Jack.
Did you guys enjoy the show?
You really amazed me, Bianca.
I mean,
I always knew you were good.
I just... I didn't know
you were that good.
You made me like Shakespeare.
That's huge.
Thank you.
That really means a lot.
- Yeah, I wouldn't have
missed it for the world.
- Do you mind if I just
have a minute with my sis?
I will give her right back.
I promise.
- It's okay.
She's telling the truth.
-Yeah, I'll just wait out front.
-Again, you were really killer.
Where did you get that dress?
-From the costume department.
- I don't know
if you should be wearing that.
-Why not?
I made it. Hmm.
-You made that?
-Yes, I did.
You look so...
Grown-up and so beautiful.
- You were really good tonight,
I'm sorry
I didn't watch the whole thing,
but I was there for most
of your dress rehearsals
and the regular rehearsals, too.
- I know.
I know you were.
- And I only meant some
of the things I said last night.
Not all of them.
Only some of them.
-Me, too.
-Are you mad at me about Jack?
-Not if he's nice to you.
-Please don't drive him away.
I really like him, Bianca.
I do.
And he likes me, too.
He thinks I'm beautiful.
- I know he does.
- And it's okay if you
feel a little overprotective,
but you don't have
to worry about me.
I'm very mature for my age.
-Yes, you are.
And so, Jane, listen, I...
I think I've gotten
a little out of control
trying to control everything,
trying to keep you safe.
I mean, that's what I do.
That's what I've always done.
But I've been so focused
on the person that you were
that I wasn't seeing
the person you've become.
I'm so proud of you, Jane.
And I'm really sorry
I didn't see that sooner.
-Are you okay?
- Mm.
It's just a lot of change,
you know?
Rob's leaving.
He's got to go away for work
for a little while.
Um, he'll be back,
but I'm really gonna miss him.
-I could stay with you,
keep you company for a bit
while rob's away.
Only for a little while, though.
- I would really like that.
That is, of course,
if you still want to live
with your bossy big sister.
-You're my best friend, Bianca.
- You're my best friend,
too, sis.
- Okay.
I have to go now.
Jack's outside
getting a car for us
to make sure I get home safe.
-Yeah, you better go, then.
You wouldn't want
to keep him waiting.
Thanks, Jim.
- So don't you worry about me
'cause this
could be the start
of something so sweet
and exactly what I need
it's sittin' in my dreams
and it slo-ows down
the words in me
yes, it slo-ows down
the words in me
so don't you worry about me
this could be the start
of something so sweet
and exactly what I need
-When thou wakest,
thou takest true delight
in the sight
of thy former lady's eye.
And the country proverb known...
That every man
should take his own...
In your waking shall be shown.
Jack shall have Jane.
Nought shall go ill.
The man shall have his mare
and all shall be well.
You looking at me?