Jared Freid: The Family Plan (2026) Movie Script
[audience cheering and applauding]
I-- I vacation with my parents, though.
Does anyone vacation
with their parents, though?
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Okay, good.
Okay, good. So, some people from money.
[audience laughs]
The rest of you poor orphan losers
will have to try and relate
to the next hour of material.
[audience laughs]
I vacation with my parents,
and my brother got married recently,
which I'm very happy about.
Because we needed the dynamic to change.
Like
'Cause when we would vacation--
Like, I'm 39, never married, no kids.
My brother, 35, never married, no kids.
So we would just be two adults
[audience laughs]
with two older adults.
We looked like swingers.
[audience laughing]
It looked like I was checking in
with my boyfriend
and our sugar parents.
And if you saw
how the cell phone bill got paid,
that's not far from the truth.
[audience laughs]
Sometimes we'd play it up.
We'd hold hands.
We'd be like,
"Daddy, can we have the $35 water?"
My mom would get so mad.
She'd yell at us.
She'd be like, "Stop it!"
I'm 39. That's how my mom
yells at me in public.
Never opens her mouth. "Stop it!"
She's like an angry ventriloquist.
"Enough!"
I hate arguing with my mom.
My mom's the best arguer.
-I think most moms are great arguers.
-[women whoop]
They go straight to victim.
[audience laughs]
No one's a bigger victim than a mom.
My mom will bring up things
that happened to her earlier in the day
that have nothing to do
with the argument at all.
You'll just be like having fun,
acting gay with your brother
[audience laughs]
in the lobby of a Hilton. [laughs]
She'll be like, "Stop it!"
"Don't do this to me today.
The cleaning woman didn't come today!"
"You can have sex
with your brother tomorrow!"
[audience laughing]
I'm 39. I'm still on the family plan.
-[audience cheering and whooping]
-Okay.
There we go.
Thank you, the people who "whoo'd."
The rest of you can go fuck yourselves.
[audience laughs]
All of you are on the family plan.
You're looking at me like,
"This won't be relatable material at all."
I guess I have to be vulnerable.
I'll be vulnerable.
I don't even know
what a cell phone bill looks like.
[audience laughing]
I have to fake conversations.
I don't know any of the words.
My friend was like, "I'm low on data."
I'm like, "Maybe I got some
in my pocket for you."
[audience laughs]
To be honest,
I'm never getting off of the family plan.
Never.
My parents can pay
until the day they die.
[audience laughs]
It'll be sad when my parents pass.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
They'll be like-- They're dead.
I'll be like, "Oh no."
[audience laughs]
And then I'll be like, "Oh no!"
"How will I handle
the financial responsibility?!"
[audience laughs]
Some of you are getting judgy.
-Fuck you.
-[audience laughs]
Some of you are looking at me.
You're like, "Well, I'm 35.
By the time I'm 39--"
[audience laughs]
Listen, I agree.
It's weird to be on the family plan at 39.
You want an upgrade,
you have to call home.
[audience laughs]
That's a weird conv-- "Mommy!"
"What's your social security number?"
"Why?" "No reason!"
[audience laughs]
People get weird on this topic.
I'm talking about money.
There was a woman at a show,
she yelled out. She goes, "It's cheaper!"
[audience laughs]
Yeah, so is living in their basement.
I'm not rationalizing that.
I'm not bringing chicks home, being like,
"The race car bed's economical."
[audience laughs]
"Ever given road head?" Like
[audience laughing]
It's also not weird
to be on the family plan at 39.
I think that's the most Millennial thing
I could be.
We have Millennials
in here tonight, right?
[audience cheering]
Our relationship with our parents
is already bizarre.
I fly places, I text my parents, "Landed."
What the fuck is going on?
[audience laughs]
I don't remember my parents running
to a pay phone when we got to Florida.
"Grandma, we made it!"
[audience laughs]
We have a weird relationship
with our parents.
We're financially tied to them.
We kind of work for them.
They're management.
[audience laughs]
We have to laugh at their jokes.
You ever hear a Boomer joke?
Awful.
It's always the same.
It's always like,
"My pronouns are 'fuck you!'"
-We're like
-[audience laughing]
"Good one."
[audience laughs]
Let's make fun of the people
that were bullied the most in high school.
[audience laughs]
I said the word "Boomer,"
and every time I say the word "Boomer,"
I lose a piece of the audience.
That's not a political word to me.
That's just a group of people.
Gen Z, Gen X, Millennial, Boomer.
But every time I say "Boomer,"
I see some guy in the crowd
that looks like my dad,
just like, "This liberal cock!"
[audience laughs]
It's crazy. I love the Boomers.
I love them.
I vacation with them.
[audience laughing]
But they shouldn't be, like,
allowed out of the house.
Like, they don't fit in society.
Like, my dad's on TikTok. He loves TikTok.
He was scrolling. It was melting--
You ever watch someone scroll on TikTok
and their brain is, like, melting?
-[audience laughs]
-He's scrolling.
He goes, "It just keeps
giving me women's asses."
[audience laughs]
He said that at a HomeGoods.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]
"It just keeps giving me women's asses."
I was like, "That's cause you look longer
at the women's asses,
so the algorithm
gives you more women's asses."
He didn't even look up.
He goes, "I love the algorithm."
[audience laughs]
He's talking about the algorithm
like it's his wingman.
He's like, "Yo, you gotta meet Algo."
-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]
No, I love the Boomers.
I think they're fantastic.
I love the Boomers.
You ever gotten advice from one?
[audience chuckles]
Yeah, it's like the dumbest shit
you've ever heard.
They'll look you right in the eye,
they'll be like, "Print out your rsum!"
[audience laughs]
"Knock on an office door!"
"Tell them you want a job!"
[audience laughs]
We don't even work in offices anymore.
If I took my mom's advice,
I'd be knocking on the door
of an empty Macy's.
-"Hello?!"
-[audience laughs]
"My mother says there's opportunity here!"
"I'll be off-season Jewish Santa!"
[audience laughs]
The Boomers are great.
I envy them.
They're the most confident generation.
No one's more confident than a Boomer.
Millennials, we're the least confident.
We don't believe in ourselves
even a little.
Gen Z women were like,
"We do a middle part with our hair."
Millennial women were like,
"Yeah, we do that now too."
[audience laughs]
We couldn't even commit to a hair style.
[audience laughs]
I wish I had Boomer confidence, right?
'Cause they didn't
go through much, you know?
[scattered laughter]
Okay.
[audience laughs]
Okay, it got weird in here.
Did they pay for your ticket here too?
-What's going on?
-[audience laughs]
What'd they go through, JFK?
[imitates crying]
[audience laughs]
Wouldn't crack a Millennial Top 10.
9/11, pandemic, two financial collapses.
They just said
aliens are here amongst us.
[audience laughs]
We didn't even flinch.
We're like, "Aliens? Fuck it."
[audience laughing]
"What are they going to do,
take our homes?"
"We're renters."
[audience cheering]
Bring on the aliens.
[audience cheering and whooping]
I hope aliens are here.
They lick me in the ear,
I come out my ass.
I don't give a fucking shit.
[audience laughs]
I hope they bring a new gender.
The Boomers are like, "Another one?!"
[audience laughs]
It always gets weird when I say
the Boomers didn't go through anything.
They didn't.
They had the greatest financial run
any generation has ever had
in the history of this country.
The market went up every day!
If it went down a point,
they'd yell at Jim Cramer.
"Print more money!"
[audience laughs]
"Make it go up!"
And now, surprise, surprise,
print more money, money worth nothing.
And we have to be on the family plan.
[audience laughs]
And we gotta be nice to them
so that we can go on the trips.
[audience laughs]
How will I ever see Cancun
[audience laughing]
if I'm not nice to wrinkles?
That's the Millennial plight, right?
We have to talk to them
more than any generation
has ever had to talk to their parents.
Right? We have to be nice.
We have to deal with them
because they have the money.
[audience laughs]
Have you ever had a good day,
then call home,
and it's the worst mistake
you've ever made?
[audience laughing]
You're like, what a great day.
I'll call my mom.
[audience laughing]
And then you call your mom,
she just launches in.
You're like, "Hey, Mom."
She's like, "Where are the jeans
I bought you 17 years ago?!"
"Have you been to the dentist?
You've been to the dentist?"
"You've been to the dentist.
You've been to the dentist"
"Everyone on Facebook has cancer!"
"Everyone you know is doing very well."
"Where the fuck are my grandkids?!"
You're like, click.
-[wheezing]
-[audience laughing]
What happened to that good day?
-[audience laughs]
-[woman whoops]
I called home, my mom was like,
"Where are you going?"
I was like, "Nashville."
She goes, "Lot of murder."
[audience laughing]
Just the whole city of Nashville.
Murderous wasteland.
She made it sound like
I'd be landing in Fallujah.
Like I'd get off the plane
[imitates machine gun fire]
Like I'd be crawling up Broadway,
begging bachelorette parties
for a swig from their penis straw.
[audience laughs]
"Please, I didn't hydrate!
I didn't listen to mommy!"
"I'll suck on the ball!"
[audience laughs]
And they always pick up.
[audience laughing]
Lookit, the Boomers don't even know
what the fuck I'm talking about.
They're like, "Why wouldn't I pick up?"
My parents will pick up
to tell me they can't pick up.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
I call my dad.
He's like, "I'm in spin class.
Can I call you back?" What?
Can you imagine you're in spin class,
some old guy, "Hello!"?
His old-guy ring.
[imitates percussive ringtone]
Just hit the red button!
We'll do this another time!
Just hit the red button!
I don't know what they think
we're calling them about.
We're calling you to fill a walk.
[audience laughing]
We're calling you
to get from home to coffee,
to get away from the horrific thoughts
that you parented into our heads.
[audience cheering and whooping]
And, yes, it's a bad strategy
to call the witch who cursed you
to try and break the spell.
But you're the only ones who pick up.
[audience laughing]
And a woman get so mad
at that joke in Boston.
She yelled out,
she goes, "I always pick up!"
"My daughter calls, I pick up!"
I looked her right in the eye,
I go, "Why?"
She goes, "What if it's an emergency?"
This is how cocky
these idiot Boomers are.
[audience laughs]
They think we're calling them
in an emergency.
If it's an emergency,
my parents are my last fucking call.
[audience laughing]
If I called my parents in an emergency,
they would blame me for the emergency.
[audience laughing]
I'd be like, "The house is on fire."
My mom would be like,
"You probably left the oven on!"
"You're lazy,
you had three martinis last night,
I saw your Instagram stories!"
My dad would get the phone,
like, "What year's the oven from?"
I'd be like, "There's no fucking oven!"
As I burned to ash,
my dying words would be explaining
that my apartment's too small for an oven.
The saddest death conversation ever
in the history of death.
[audience laughing]
That's the thing,
they don't stop parenting.
That's crazy to me.
I'm 39, I'm a finished product.
I'm never improving.
[audience laughs]
Never, just enjoy it.
If your kids like hanging out with you
as adults, just enjoy it!
Sit across from the C-plus you made
and have a good time!
[audience laughing]
Like, my family likes to eat a lot.
Not variety, volume.
[audience laughs]
We like as much as we can fit
in our bodies.
And I was out to dinner,
my dad, my brother, my mom, and I,
and my dad, in the middle of a meal,
just announced that
we were full as a family.
[audience laughing]
He literally goes,
"That's enough, we're done."
He took his water,
poured it on the calamari.
He goes, "That's enough."
-[audience laughs]
-"That's enough."
I go, "What the fuck?!"
He goes, "Jared"
"Jared, even a train stops."
[audience laughing]
He used metaphor
to teach me about full at 39 years old.
I mean, what's next, word problems?
If Jared starts eating at 12 p.m.
and doesn't shut
his fat fucking mouth at 2 p.m.,
will he fit in his Rosh Hashanah suit
in the fall?
[audience laughing]
I like this crowd.
You're a good crowd, thank you.
I appreciate you guys coming tonight.
-You're a good crowd.
-[audience cheering and applauding]
You-- Not just because
you're good laughers, but you--
I can tell when you get uncomfortable
during the joke, which is good,
'cause that means you're in it,
you're listening.
Some of you did not like the imagery
of my dad pouring water on the calamari.
Yes, my fellow Weight Watchers alumnus.
[audience laughs]
That's not the triggering part.
The triggering part
is when the waitress comes back.
The table is a puddle.
[audience laughs]
She came back, she's like,
"What happened here?"
She looked at the ceiling,
she goes, "Was there a leak?"
And I had to look at her, 39,
and go, "No!"
[audience laughing]
"We just can't control ourselves."
"The choo-choo went express
instead of local."
"Today we learned moderation."
[laughing continues]
That's the thing, when you vacation
with your parents as an adult,
you don't want attention.
You know that type of attention
could come at any time.
You don't want attention.
You want a free trip.
[audience laughs]
So, what do you need
on a family vacation as an adult?
You need alcohol, drugs
[audience laughs]
your own room, I hope to God.
[audience laughs]
But what you really need
is another family.
You need another family
to argue amongst themselves so loudly
that you and your family
can come together
to talk shit about those losers.
[audience laughs]
Right? You need one family
a little more garbage than your family.
And you use them, you crush them.
You see them in the lobby, you're like,
"Look, the Garbages are here!"
[audience laughing]
You see them at the buffet, you're like,
"Look how they eat, they're pigs!"
We were checking in at a hotel once,
there was a family behind us,
the daughter was like my age.
She looks at her mom, she goes,
"You always do this, Mom!"
My dad looked at our whole family,
he was like,
"It's gonna be a great trip."
[audience laughs]
And it was.
We crushed that family for a week.
[audience laughing]
Anytime we could make fun of them,
we would.
It's been a decade since this trip,
we still look at each other
and make fun of that family.
My mom was like,
"You're having another martini?"
I'm like, "You always do this, Mom!"
[audience laughs]
You remember the Garbages?
See, we're on them now.
[audience laughs]
We like the beach,
we love the beach, we're a beach family.
We also hate our bodies.
[audience laughing]
That's a weird combination,
loving the beach, hating your body.
Because you get as naked
as legally possible,
and then you sit in a circle
and talk about
how disgusting you've gotten
[laughing continues]
since the last time you sat in a circle.
Every conversation at the beach
is about food and your body,
food and your body.
"You eat? When you gonna eat?"
"You ate? When you gonna eat?"
"You ate? When are you gonna eat?"
References to shitting.
"You had cheese? What are you gonna do?"
[audience laughing]
That's the thing,
if you're from an eating family like me,
you know all you talk about is food,
and then there's this shock
that food has any consequences.
[audience laughs]
That's my whole life.
That's my whole life of consumption.
Since I could drink, my mom's like,
"Have a drink!
Let's have a drink! Have a drink!"
And then the next morning,
I'll come down to the kitchen,
it'll be dimly lit,
she'll be at the table,
she'll be like,
"We have to talk about the drinking."
[audience laughing]
You ever been to an intervention
run by your dealer?
[audience laughing]
That's why I hate
health food commercials.
All the marketing for health food
is aimed at eating families, right?
They wanna make it
so you think you can eat
as much as you want without consequences.
Right now, the Atkins Diet
has a line of food.
You can go buy Atkins-approved foods
at the market.
The spokesperson for the campaign
is Rob Lowe.
[scattered laughter]
Okay, 17 of you laughed at the premise
of this next 20-minute bit.
[audience laughing]
And I am so angry.
I can't believe that the minute I say
Rob Lowe is the spokesperson
for the Atkins line of foods,
that you all don't just stand
and applaud me.
[audience laughs]
I can't believe that--
Maybe some of you
don't know who Rob Lowe is.
I can explain Rob Lowe in one sentence.
Rob Lowe has been famous
for being hot for 40 years.
[audience laughs]
And he's gonna help me lose weight.
[audience laughs]
You don't see the ridiculous
in that premise?
-[scattered whoops]
-'Cause that's what they want.
They want me to see Rob Lowe on TV
eating Atkins foods and go,
"Wow, if I eat like Rob Lowe,
I could look like Rob Lowe."
And I've been traveling the country
for two years to tell people,
no, we won't.
[audience laughs]
I have to believe that Rob Lowe
is the biggest piece of shit
in the country.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Listen, some of you are looking at me
like, "Whoa, whoa, not my Robby boy."
-You need--
-[audience laughs]
I know this is crazy,
me, a gremlin in a haunted theater,
like, "Fuck Rob Lowe!"
[audience laughing]
I get it, he's probably in Hollywood,
banging a supermodel,
like, "Did someone say my name?"
I get it, it's crazy.
And I just brought this to you,
it takes some time to digest.
Because there's only two ways
that he's in that commercial.
There's only two.
One, he has eating issues like me.
No, he doesn't.
[audience laughs]
Or two, he's a greedy asshole
who took the money
no matter what he is pimping.
[scattered laughter]
That's the only way I can see it.
I have nightmares
about Rob Lowe every night.
[audience laughs]
I have the same nightmare,
he's touring his mansion, he's like,
"That pool house was bought
with the delusions of chubbies."
[audience laughing]
He gives advice in his commercial.
I'm not making up
an ounce of what I am telling you.
He reads e-mails, he goes,
"Elaine in Wisconsin wants to know,
'What do you do about a sweet tooth?'"
And Rob Lowe
looks into the camera and goes,
"Elaine"
[audience laughing]
"just do what I do
and have two Atkins cookies."
[audience laughing]
You don't think
that's a piece of shit at all?
[laughing continues]
You don't think that's a dickhead?
Elaine has a heroin-level
addiction to sugar
that she's calling a sweet tooth.
[laughing continues]
You don't think Elaine is screwed up?
She wrote in blindly
to the Atkins Corporation.
[laughing continues]
That's like writing into Pfizer
about your fentanyl issue.
That's crazy.
[audience laughs]
She's like, "Please, Atkins, help me."
"I'm sucking dick for Splenda
in an alley."
And Rob Lowe, who has abs in his sixties,
and not a doctorate to be found,
is like, "Just have two Atkins cookies."
[audience laughs]
You don't think
that's a piece of shit at all?
You don't think he deserves
any blame in Elaine's life?
The idea that Rob Lowe
can answer my e-mails
enrages me to my core.
Like, the idea that Rob could be like,
"Jared in New York City wants to know"
"'What do you do if you go to the kitchen
17 times throughout the night"
[audience laughs]
"to have a single slice of cheese"
[audience laughs]
"because you were good today"?
[audience laughing]
Like, Rob Lowe wouldn't even understand
what I was writing about.
He has no connection to the material.
He would look at the camera,
he'd go, "Why would you go 17 times?"
He'd give you the advice
some asshole would give.
"Why don't you just have a glass of water?
Or brush your teeth or eat an apple?"
"Or you could do what I do
and have two Atkins cookies."
[audience laughing]
"Excuse me, so"
"Jared wrote in again?
There's another e-mail from Jared."
[audience laughs]
"Jared in New York City wants to know,
'What do you do if your friend
won't split a third sandwich?'"
[audience laughing]
"Why would you get a third sandwich?
Didn't you each have your own?"
"Why don't you come back another day
when you're actually hungry?"
"Or you could do what I do
and have two Atkins cookies."
[audience laughing]
"Jared wrote in again, this is crazy."
[audience laughing]
"Jared must be messed up.
Something wrong with Jared."
"He wrote in three times
to the Atkins Corporation."
"Elaine didn't even do this, oh my God."
"Jared in New York City wants to know,
'What do you do
if you live in fear of jeans
that just came out of the dryer?'"
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and whooping]
"Why would jeans fit differently
after the dryer?"
"Maybe you got the wrong jeans."
"Or you could do what I do
and have--" [laughs]
He's a piece of shit. I, um
Now listen, I don't want
anyone confused leaving here tonight.
I don't hate Rob Lowe
because he has a lot of money.
I like when people make money.
I hate that he's lying to me
to make his money.
If he was honest, I'd be so cool
with Rob Lowe being the spokesperson.
If Rob Lowe did an honest commercial--
I actually wrote a script
that I'd be okay with Rob Lowe doing.
Can I share with you the script?
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Jared] Perfect.
Now, I-- You might not know,
I'm gonna act it out the way I want Rob--
You don't know, I do some acting.
I've never been cast in anything ever.
But I'm gonna act it out
the way I want Rob Lowe to do it.
Okay? Are we ready?
[scattered whoops]
Hi! I'm Rob Lowe!
-[audience laughs]
-Okay-- [laughs]
I want him angry. [laughs]
No one's ever started a diet
with a smile on their face.
[audience laughs]
You know who wouldn't know that?
Rob fucking Lowe.
[audience laughs]
Okay. [laughs]
Hi, I'm Rob Lowe!
You're not ever going to look like me.
But you can look less like you.
[audience laughs]
If you eat two of these Atkins cookies
every three hours for a week.
You'll probably lose about 10 pounds,
which I've never done,
but I'm sure would be a big deal
for big fat fucking you.
[audience laughs]
So good luck
carrying around Atkins cookies
with you to work and dinner
and social functions.
Better bring a fanny pack, you fat fuck.
[audience laughs]
While I keep living a normal life
'cause I have no emotional connection
to food whatso-fucking-ever.
And remember, I once had sex
with the Princess of Monaco.
[audience laughing]
Google it.
That's how hot I am.
I'm bang-a-princess hot,
and they're paying me
to help you lose weight.
The economic structure
of this country is wild.
Sure, my generation kept printing money
with no regards to the generations
that come after it.
[audience laughs]
But I digress. [laughs]
[audience laughing]
So eat Atkins.
Maybe you'll lose some weight.
You'll never lose enough to bang royalty.
[audience laughs]
But if you're lucky, you might lose enough
to see your penis once again.
[audience laughing]
-[audience cheering and whooping]
-That's my ad.
For Rob Lowe.
So we go to the beach.
[audience laughs]
Before I go to the beach,
I have a last moment with the mirror.
Does anyone do that?
I'll take my shirt off,
I'm in the bathroom,
I'm in my bathing suit, I'm just like
[inhales, sighs]
[audience laughs]
"I guess this is it."
I'll suck it in, I'll be like,
"That's as good as it's gonna be."
I let it out, I go,
"That's as bad as it's gonna be."
I give myself a pep talk, like,
"Who would look at you? You a narcissist?"
"Think someone will ask
you how much you weigh?"
And then I go to the beach.
[audience laughs]
That's why I pray
for everyone in this room tonight.
I pray for you all.
I pray you never see what you look like
sitting in a beach chair.
[audience laughs]
Okay, laughter is admission, you know.
You look disgusting in a beach chair.
I know you know you look disgusting
in a beach chair.
Because, like me,
you never check out that position
in the mirror before the beach.
I'm about to spend 90% of my day
in the beach chair.
I don't wanna know what that looks like.
I'm never like, "Okay,
let's see what the world's about to see."
[audience laughing]
"Yup, that's the body I imagine I have."
"Oh, cool, this is me during sex too,
good to know."
[audience laughing]
That's why I don't like anyone
who takes out their phone at the beach
and takes pictures.
If you take out your phone at the beach
and take pictures, you're an asshole.
I don't know how you don't know
that'd make someone uncomfortable.
Every time someone takes their phone out,
I'm like, "Whoa!"
[audience laughs]
"Who wants to bury me in sand?"
[audience laughing]
How do they not know?
If I was a dictator,
I would send a message.
I would have beach picture takers
beheaded in a town square.
I'd be like, "Jessica's crime's
took a beach picture!"
"After we ate lunch!"
"Didn't cut us off at the shoulders!"
[audience laughing]
Okay, some of you
did not like the imagery
[audience laughs]
of me beheading a woman in a town square.
Some of you got uncomfortable,
and I don't want anyone
to leave here uncomfortable.
Some of you pulled back.
Okay, let me explain
my joke writing process.
I only make fun of people I know
or hope to meet.
[audience laughs]
The day I meet Rob Lowe
[audience laughs]
will be the weirdest day
of someone else's life.
They'll be like, "He ran up to Rob Lowe
and was yelling about cookies and shit."
[audience laughs]
Yeah, I don't create a straw man
to make my point, is what I'm saying.
I only make fun of people I know
or I would meet.
That feels fair to me.
My second rule
is I only tell stories that are true.
I make them funnier, but they're true.
I hope that makes everyone feel better
about the jokes I tell tonight.
[scattered laughter]
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.
So, the woman that I would behead
in the town square
is my mom.
[audience laughs]
There is no worse picture taker
in the entire world than my mom.
She has no creative eye.
She'll put together
any combination of people.
We were at dinner once,
she goes, "Get in with the waitress."
[audience laughs]
I go, "Why would I get in
with the waitress?"
She made it awkward.
She goes, "You don't like the waitress?"
"You don't think she's a good waitress?"
"She got everything right.
She never wrote anything down!"
[audience laughs]
Boomers love a waitress
who gets everything right
without writing it down.
That is like Cirque du Soleil to them.
My dad sees a waiter with no pad,
he's like, "Whoa!
We got a Harvard grad."
I think that's what he masturbates to.
I think he watches YouTube videos
of diner waitresses getting it right.
Just like, "Pancakes, eggs over easy,
French toast, crispy bacon for the table.
Did I miss anything?"
He's like
[audience laughing]
"Get in with the waitress."
That's every argument
I've ever had with my mom.
Her asking me
to do something completely insane.
"Jared, you, your father,
and the waitress, let's go."
[audience laughing]
Me telling her,
"That's an insane request you just made."
And then her accusing me
of being difficult
for not doing her insane request.
Every argument.
"Jared, stop being difficult."
"You, your father,
and the waitress, let's go."
[audience laughs]
"Don't do this to me today."
"The living room remote
isn't working well."
[audience laughing]
"You're always difficult."
"You always left your shoes out
in the mudroom. Stop this."
Anyone could walk in,
she'd pull him 'em in the picture.
"Is that Jessica Greenstein,
your high school ex-girlfriend?"
"Get in the picture, come on."
"Yeah, your husband,
the two kids, the nanny, let's go."
"Jared. Jared! You don't want a picture
with you, your father, the waitress,
Jessica Greenstein, her husband,
the two kids, and the nanny?"
[audience laughing]
"Come on, you're Facebook friends.
I'm sure you talk every day. What--?"
[audience laughs]
"Don't do this to me today.
The AC in the attic isn't working well."
[audience laughs]
"Phan, the tailor
who did your bar mitzvah suit."
"Get in the picture, come on."
"Yes, Phan, get in the picture.
Jared, he's Vietnamese!"
[audience laughing]
"Get in the picture."
"Jared, you don't want a picture with you,
Phan the tailor, your father, waitress,
Jessica Greenstein, her husband,
the two kids, and the nanny?"
"Why are you doing this to me today?"
"They didn't take my coupon at Saks."
"Stop this."
[audience laughs]
"Oh my God, Rabbi Rubenstein,
the mohel from your bris."
"Come on, Rabbi. Yes, get in the picture."
"Don't look at him,
he's being difficult today."
"It's a bad day for him.
Get in the picture."
"Jared, Jared! Jared, you don't want
a picture with you, Rabbi Rubenstein,
Phan the tailor,
your father, the waitress,
Jessica Greenstein, her husband,
the two kids, and nanny? This is crazy."
"It's the third, fifth, and seventh person
to see your penis."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and whooping]
[woman whoops]
"You're going to want this picture."
It's a long road to a small penis joke,
I agree, okay?
[audience laughs]
I just-- [laughs]
I like telling it
in certain parts of the country.
You lose people along the way, which is
I did it in Tulsa, some guy was like,
"What the fuck is a mohel?"
Rootin'-tootin'.
[audience laughs]
So we go to the beach.
My dad's sitting here, I am sitting here,
we are facing each other
in the beach chairs.
[audience laughs]
Before I get into my story, you have to
know something about my dad and I.
We have the same exact body.
That's the most uncomfortable thing
I've ever said on stage.
[audience laughs]
Most of you have the same body
as at least one of your parents.
You would never acknowledge it.
I wouldn't.
I would never be at a party,
be like, "Dad!"
[audience laughing]
"Oh my God!"
"We're like Russian dolls!"
[audience laughing]
"Hey, everyone, I could fit inside of him,
this is crazy!"
[audience laughs]
My dad has food and body issues
just like me,
but that generation's
not as vulnerable as us, right?
They never call it food and body issues.
They call it,
"I'm not eating bread anymore."
[audience laughs]
My dad randomly goes off of bread.
You don't know
if you're walking into bread times
or no bread times.
You only find out when the bread basket
hits the table at the restaurant.
All of a sudden, big coming out party.
He's like, "No bread here,
14 days, clean and sober!"
He pushes the basket at me,
like, "You like bread, have the bread."
"Come on, Jared Carbstein,
you're a big bread guy."
"I remember the days when I ate bread."
I'd be like, "Oh, you remember
two weeks ago, cool."
"No dementia."
[audience laughing]
He went off of bread during Thanksgiving.
What a piece of fucking shit.
The eating holiday? He freaked out.
He couldn't even handle it.
We were going around the table
saying what we were thankful for.
You ever play that game?
I fucking hate that game.
It's the moment I'm face to face with
the fact that I am thankful for nothing.
[audience laughs]
Right? It's such a dark moment.
You're sitting there brainstorming
what the fuck you're gonna say.
I'm sitting there like,
"Am I allowed to say money?"
Right? You're not that thankful
if a cousin's like, "Family and health!"
And I'm like, "They took them both."
[audience laughs]
I try to be slick.
I'm like, "Health and family."
[audience laughing]
We go around the table.
Everyone's doing their bullshit
creative writing project.
And it gets to my dad. My dad freaks out.
He goes,
"I wish celery tasted like bread!"
[audience laughing]
"And bread tasted like celery!"
I was like,
"That's not the game we're playing."
[audience laughs]
We're not sitting at Thanksgiving
with a genie.
[audience laughs]
That's how not thankful my dad is.
The guy before him was like,
"I'm thankful the treatments are working."
[audience laughs]
And then my dad gets up.
He's like, "Life is a hellscape.
Let me tell you."
"Ants on a log
should be on a toasted ciabatta."
"I don't know what we're doing out there."
[audience laughs]
I just think my dad's
always trying to annoy people.
Like, I think that's what dads do.
They're pot-stirrers.
Like my dad walks into rooms,
he'll start narrating the room.
He walks into every room.
He'll be like,
"Everyone's on their phone."
[audience laughing]
"Everyone's always on the phone!"
And then my mom's like the hype woman.
She gives context.
She's like, "He hates technology."
[audience laughing]
It's like you're hanging out
with Jewish Morgan Freeman
and Flava Flav.
Like, it's like crazy.
[audience laughs]
It's so loud. He'll walk in.
"Interracial couples!"
"Everyone's interracial now!"
She'll be like,
"He's not racist. Just noticing."
[audience laughing]
[coughs]
"All the women, big asses!"
"Everyone's got a huge tush now!"
"You should see his TikTok."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
So we're at the beach. My dad [laughs]
My dad's sitting here. I'm sitting here,
facing each other in the beach chairs.
Just me looking into the future.
[audience laughing]
Him looking into the past.
Before I get into the story I wanna tell,
you have to know two things.
Okay? Before I get going.
One, I love my dad. I think he loves me.
[audience laughs]
Two, uh, are there Jews here tonight?
[audience cheering and whooping]
I love when Jews are in the crowd
because you guys know
more than anyone else,
I'm not yelling.
[audience laughs]
This is conversational tone to me.
I travel the whole country.
You go to towns, no Jews.
I was in North Carolina,
woman in the front is hugging her Bible.
[audience laughs]
The whole show, she's like,
"The Jew keeps yelling at us."
-I'm not yelling at all.
-[audience laughing]
[woman whoops, laughs]
So my dad's sitting there,
I'm sitting here.
We're facing each other,
and he's staring at me.
You know when someone's staring at you
and you're like, what the fuck?
He's staring.
And finally I look at him and I go,
"What?"
[audience laughs]
And he looks at me-- I'll never forget it.
and he goes
"How much do you weigh?"
[audience laughing]
That is the craziest question
I have ever gotten at the beach.
[audience laughing]
It wasn't two hours ago that I was
shirtless in front of the mirror going,
"It's not like anyone's going to ask you
how much you weigh."
[audience laughing]
Now, when I get a question
that I don't like or don't understand,
I try to think of reasons
people would ask the question.
I can only think of two reasons
someone would ask someone else
how much they weigh at the beach.
[audience laughs]
One,
there's a beachside carnival.
[audience laughing]
Things are being guessed.
Prizes are being awarded.
[audience laughing]
Two, the only other way I could imagine
being asked how much I weigh at the beach.
A homeless vagrant on acid
[audience laughing]
comes running on the beach.
He's like, "Ah!"
He looks at me. We make eye contact.
He tilts his head.
He goes, "How much do you weigh?!"
And then he runs off,
never to be seen again.
[audience laughs]
And in that scenario,
I would be hurt even still.
I'd need an EMT.
I'd be in the tinfoil blanket.
The cop would be like, "Did he touch you?"
I'd have tears going down my cheek.
I'd be like,
"He touched me with his thoughts!"
[audience laughing]
Now, I lose people
every time I tell this story.
Some of you,
there is no context or nuance
to asking someone how much they weigh.
To you, that is an evil question.
You don't need a reason.
I'm not as angry as you.
If I'm given a good reason,
I'd be fine with it.
I do need a reason, though.
If my dad was outside
of a small, private plane
[audience laughing]
Okay, the people still on the family plan
know where I'm going with it.
-[audience laughing]
-[man whoops]
If my dad was outside
of a small, private plane,
and he was like, "How much do you weigh?"
And then I was like, "Why?"
And he was like, "I need to make sure
the weight is distributed properly
so the plane doesn't flip over
and fall out of the sky."
It would be weird of me to get angry
and be like,
"I guess you better wear
a parachute then, you bitch!"
[audience laughing]
But we're at the beach,
and there's no seaplane
floating in the ocean.
[audience laughs]
So I look back at him, and I go
-[audience laughs]
-[laughs]
"Why?"
And he looks at me, I'll never forget it,
and he goes
"No reason."
[audience laughing]
Everyone here knows
that's not how questions work.
[audience laughing]
When you have a question,
you have a thought.
You have a question about that thought.
I need to know that thought.
Admittedly, I am now angry.
I stand up from the beach chair.
I'm not gonna debate telling someone
how much I weigh from this position.
[audience laughs]
I stand up,
and I am now flexing harder. [laughs]
I thought I was gonna shit my swim trunks.
[audience laughing]
I go, "I think there was a reason."
"I don't think it was a positive reason."
"I don't think
you were looking at me thinking,
'Wow, Jared is looking fuckable today.'"
[audience laughs]
"'I gotta know what number
goes with that fuckable body
so that I have a new goal weight
for when I can start eating bread again.'"
[audience laughing]
So that's where the story lies.
I'll never forget what happened next.
That exact moment,
my mom comes out of the ocean
from peeing.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
And I knew she was peeing
'cause she was only wet up to here.
[audience laughing]
There's no one more obvious
of peeing in the ocean than my mom.
She'll put a toe in,
she'll be like, "I'm swimming."
I'll be like, "It's running down your leg,
get the fuck in the ocean."
"Come on, you're embarrassing the family."
"Yeah, you're washing
your hair tonight, let's go!"
When I pee in the ocean,
I'm an actor, I'm out there
[audience laughing]
You'd be like, "Is it warm?"
I'd be like, "It's the currents, baby."
A log of my own shit
could rise next to me,
and I'd be like,
"What are these fish eating?"
[audience laughing]
So
Someone asked me
to describe my mom once.
I can do it in one sentence.
Every time I got sent a Karen video,
I thought the next one would be her.
[audience laughs]
Even the titles would be like,
"Jewish woman yells
at Dunkin' Donuts employees."
I'd be like [exhales]
[audience laughing]
"All the facts are here."
[audience laughing]
I told her to stop going
into that Dunkin' Donuts.
I love when people laugh at that joke.
That's an admission.
If you were worried about your mom being
[audience laughs]
I think every mom is capable
of at least being a street-level Karen.
And all of us--
Were you watching your mom
when those videos were hot? Like
Oh, I was, like, protecting her.
[audience chuckles]
I'll never forget, it was like 2020,
those videos are hot,
and we're at a pool in Florida.
And I'm next to my brother
outside the pool.
My dad's on the other side of him.
Behind us, my mom's in a beach chair.
There's the pool.
Then beyond the pool, there's a bathroom.
This girl, like 12 years old,
goes in the bathroom.
She comes out five minutes later crying.
She runs to her mom
on the right side of the pool.
Behind her, an older woman
comes out screaming.
She goes,
"That girl wasn't wearing a mask!"
[scattered laughter]
Okay, a villain has been established.
[audience laughs]
The girl's mom, from across the pool--
I'm not making up an ounce of this story.
She yells,
"That girl just had her first period!"
[audience laughing and exclaiming]
This was the greatest day of my life.
[audience laughs]
I literally was hitting my brother,
going, "It's happening."
My dad turned to us.
He had a tear going down his cheek.
He goes, "This is gonna be a great trip."
[audience laughs]
Because we were getting
a live Karen show.
Two for the price of one.
Drinks in hand, al fresco.
You can't ask for better than this.
You know at the zoo,
the animals come out of their caves
and the zoo worker's like,
"You're very lucky, this never happens."
[audience laughs]
That's how I felt. I was warmed.
Wow, the worst day of this girl's life
is something we will talk about
for the rest of ours.
[audience laughs]
Weddings, bar mitzvahs, rainy days.
We can always look at each other and go,
"Remember Period Girl?"
[audience laughs]
I was so happy to share this
with the people I love the most.
When suddenly, my mom stands up
behind us and screams,
"Horrible!"
[audience laughing]
And she starts walking
to defend Period Girl.
She's going,
"Horrible, horrible, horrible!"
[audience laughing]
I chased her like a horse
that escaped our family farm.
I ran, I was like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy! Come on!"
-[clicking tongue]
-[audience laughing]
"Come on, I got Melba toast,
Temp Tee cream cheese."
"You like that for lunch."
[clicking tongue]
I turned her around. There was not--
She's going, "Horrible!"
I was like, "Do you want to be
Horrible Woman 1 in this production?"
"What, are you sprucing up
your IMDb page?"
"Get the fuck back there
and enjoy this family moment
watching that girl bleed out!"
[audience laughing]
So yeah, she can be a little difficult.
[audience laughs]
I want whoever I date
to get along with my mom.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]
I just watched this whole audience go
[audience laughing]
I've broken up with women
who don't get along with my mom.
That's a hard thing to admit
in front of a bunch of women
drinking white wine.
[audience laughing]
I don't like to admit it,
but I didn't do it frivolously.
Before I ended a relationship once,
I went to my friends that were all married
and I asked them,
"How does your wife
get along with your mom?"
They all got super political.
[audience laughs]
Every guy was like, "I'm just happy"
[audience laughs]
"everyone's healthy."
[audience laughs]
One guy reacted like
he was in an insane asylum.
Just kept going,
"It is what it is, it is what it is."
[audience laughing]
I'll never forget, my mom was fighting
with someone I was dating
and I was like,
"I'm gonna go fix it. I'll mediate."
And my friend was like,
"No, no, no, you're not fixing shit."
"Your wife and your mom,
girlfriend and mom, is like a storm."
"It either passes or it doesn't."
I said, "No, I can fix it."
And I went and tried to mediate,
and that guy was right.
[audience laughs]
It was like dealing with two angry cobras.
Like, they kept snapping at each other.
No regard for my mental health whatsoever.
[audience laughs]
And you can't reason with a cobra.
Like, I couldn't pull one cobra aside
and be like, "Chill, chill, chill!"
"Stop it, that cobra over there makes
the best mac and cheese you've ever had."
Right?
I couldn't go to the other cobra
and be like, "Enough, enough."
"That cobra licks asshole."
[audience laughing]
That's tough to find in a Jewish cobra.
[audience continues laughing]
I'll let you guys figure out
which cobra was which. I'm not gonna
[audience laughing]
So now I'm 39,
and I got to find someone
who gets along with my mom
and I want to fuck.
[audience laughs]
That's a tough combo.
That's very skinny
middle of the Venn diagram.
That happens as you get older and single,
your thirties, forties, fifties, sixties,
whatever you are,
the middle of your Venn diagram
is very skinny and specific, right?
It's very small, it's very specific,
and it turns you into a miserable dater.
Nice people show up for dates,
you know they're not
what you're looking for,
and you're just like, fuck this loser.
[audience laughs]
So I take breaks.
I take breaks from dating all the time.
I've been on dates with women
who should take a break.
[audience laughs]
I don't say that to be mean.
You can just tell right away.
I was on a date, I go,
"What was your last relationship like?"
She goes, "You want the real story?"
[audience laughing]
"Or do you want the cute story?"
I was like, "How about you make
the real story a little bit cute?"
[audience laughs]
I think that's your job on a first date,
make real stories cute.
Tell the truth, have some energy,
make it cute.
-[woman whoops]
-If you can't do that, take a break.
[audience laughs]
I'm not above it, I do it.
If I was on a date and a girl was like,
"What's your love language?"
And I was like,
"Head tickles and blow job"
[audience laughing]
That's a little too real.
[audience laughs]
The cute answer is acts of service
and physical touch.
[audience laughing]
[women whoop]
A little creative writing
goes a long way.
[audience laughs]
That's my problem, communication.
Comedian who can't communicate
in his relationship is like a
It's like a bad joke.
Like, I turn every argument into a joke.
That's my problem.
-I thought that was good communication.
-[audience laughs]
First we were fighting,
now we're laughing.
[audience laughing]
Lookit, all the women are like, "No."
[audience laughing]
I've learned that's just
changing the subject, I get it.
My last fight with my ex,
I'll never forget it.
It was before bed,
I was wearing mesh shorts, nothing else,
you're welcome for the visual.
[audience laughs]
And she was so angry,
and she was screaming at me.
And you guys know, I don't yell.
[audience laughing]
So I just wanted her to shut the fuck up.
I wanted to go to bed.
So she's screaming and I just look at her,
I go, "Well, that's what you think."
Boop!
[audience laughing]
And I booped her on the nose.
-[women exclaiming]
-[audience laughing]
The women are getting so mad. I
I'm the idiot in this story, I agree.
I go, "That's what you think." Boop!
And then I twirled around,
dropped my shorts, waddled away.
[audience laughing]
That was my big stupid ending
to our big stupid fight I thought I won.
As I'm waddling away
with my shorts on my ankles,
she yells after me,
"You have poop in your butt!"
[audience laughing]
And I reached back
and there was
a quarter-size clump of doo-doo.
[audience exclaims and laughs]
Thank you to the people laughing,
thank you.
The laughers, thank you.
Laughter is admission, thank you.
Could have been you, thank you.
Some of you are getting judgy, fuck you.
Especially the women, fuck off.
Every woman in here has tissue paper
in her vagina right fucking now.
[audience laughing]
And I've never said a word.
Every woman I've gone down on,
total mensch, never said a word.
[audience laughing]
You're judging me for shit in my ass?
That's where it should fucking be!
Every woman I have ever dated
has a CVS-aisle amount of debris
in their pussy.
I have found floss,
batteries, Elmer's glue.
Never said a word.
If a woman found tissue paper in my cock,
she wouldn't be like
She'd be like, "Who is she?!"
[audience laughing]
"We don't have three-ply!"
But I can-- You know, I can change,
I can make changes.
I can get wet wipes, I can get a bidet.
[audience laughs]
My mom is never going to change.
Your mom is never gonna change.
I've been trying to change my mom
my whole life.
I think every family has a messy one,
a lazy one, and a sensitive one.
I am the rare triple threat.
[audience laughing]
I'm a lazy, messy, sensitive piece of shit
with shit in my ass, apparently.
[audience laughs]
Call me lazy, call me messy,
those things are true, fine.
I hate when she accuses me
of being sensitive.
She always does it,
"You're sensitive, you're sensitive."
It's like, I didn't make myself sensitive.
You did that shit.
I didn't wake up
and decide to be a little bitch.
[audience laughing]
My mom made me sensitive,
there's no question.
My whole life she'd make this noise.
Maybe your mom does it too.
My whole life she'd go
[gasps sharply]
[audience laughing]
I hate that noise so much.
My whole life
[gasping sharply]
[audience laughing]
[gasping continues]
And that noise could mean
that a bug flew in the house
or that my dad was dead
on the kitchen floor.
She never changed the noise
based on the severity of the situation.
Never a, "Holy fucking shit," just
[gasping sharply]
It was like growing up
in a fallout shelter.
You didn't know what was real,
what was fake.
[gasping sharply]
9/11. [gasps sharply]
The caviar went bad. You had no idea.
[audience laughing]
It makes you a cynical 12-year-old.
You hear [gasps]
You're like, grandma better be dead.
I'm not missing Power Rangers
for this shit anymore!
[audience laughs]
They should put her
on the top of an ambulance, just
[gasping deeply]
[audience laughing]
She did it when I drove.
Are you out of your mind?
16 and a half, learning how to drive.
All of a sudden you hear [gasps]
you're like, "What the fuck?"
I'd look next to me, just a statue.
That was driving at 17.
[gasping]
I'm from New England, icy roads.
What if I swerved off?
I always thought,
what if I swerved off the road?
Hit a pedestrian,
They'd be like, "What happened?"
I'd be like, "Well, my mom
thought she saw a sale at Bloomingdale's."
[audience laughing]
"So I guess I'll just live
with this blood on my hands
the rest of my life now."
[audience laughs]
That's the thing, there's no free trip.
[audience laughing]
You're gonna pay! [laughs]
Ten percent of your soul,
and you don't know when it's coming.
You will have a moment with your family
every time you see 'em, where you're like,
"Why do I do this?
Why do I talk to these people?"
No cell phone bill is worth this.
[audience laughing]
We went for dinner once--
You never know when it's coming.
We went for Chinese food.
I only bring up Chinese food
'cause it was a place you sit or pick up.
It's my dad, my brother, my mom, and I.
And this guy walks in
to pick up his food,
and I'm not saying this to be mean,
he looked horrific.
[audience laughs]
You know how dad's dress to pick up food
and it's never appropriate?
[audience laughing]
My dad would put a sweatshirt on
that's disintegrating off his body.
Sweatpants, no underwear.
You're just staring at the shadow
of his balls.
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "Dad, put something on."
He'll put on a hat.
I'm like, "That's not"
"That's not the head
I need covered right now."
[audience laughs]
Dads dress like Gen Z women
to pick up food.
[audience laughing]
Just a walking hamper.
[audience laughs]
So that's to paint a picture.
So this guy walks in,
my mom goes, "Is that Ronnie?"
I go, "Let's not talk to Ronnie."
[audience laughs]
Immediately she goes, "Hey, Ronnie!"
Ronnie turns around,
he looks like
he's haunting the restaurant.
She goes, "How you been?"
He looks at us across a busy restaurant,
he goes, "Not well."
[audience laughing]
I don't know if you've ever had someone
tell you their life isn't going well
and then start strolling towards you.
[audience laughs, exclaims]
That is anxiety you have never felt.
He's coming at us
negative two miles per hour.
[audience laughing]
His balls swaying everywhere.
Half hour later
he gets to the table and he goes,
"Hey, Freids, I guess you haven't heard."
[audience laughs]
"My wife passed four months ago."
[women gasp]
Now, you guys, the way you just reacted,
that's a normal human reaction.
[audience laughs]
You're like me. When I hear
someone's wife passed four months ago--
You're probably like me.
I'm gonna say all the appropriate,
respectable things
and then I'm gonna do my best
to get the fuck out of that conversation.
[audience laughs]
Right? I'll be like, "Oh my God, Ronnie.
Rest in peace. Anything we can do"
"Ah! Uber is here"
[audience laughs]
My mom's the opposite.
She goes, "How did she die?"
[audience laughs]
At that point, I was signing up
to become an Uber driver.
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "Ronnie, airport pickup,
big money. You get it."
Ronnie looks at my whole family.
He didn't even flinch.
He goes, "She choked on food."
I laugh immediately.
[audience laughing]
It's too crazy.
Ten minutes ago, we're having spring rolls
and now Ronnie's wife is dead.
It's gotten crazy.
[audience laughs]
My mom looks at Ronnie and goes,
"What was she eating?"
[audience laughing]
My dad, brother, and I
were holding hands under the table,
praying to God that my mom would die too.
-We're like
-[audience laughing]
"Please let her choke on a wonton
so that this interaction will end."
[audience laughing]
Ronnie looks directly at my mom.
He goes, "Turkey burger,"
which is the funniest answer.
I didn't see it coming.
It's kind of ironic.
She's like, "I'm gonna be healthy tonight.
I'll get the--"
[audience laughing]
My mom looks at Ronnie and goes,
"I love turkey burgers."
[audience laughing]
She took the side of the murderer
[audience laughing]
to the victim's spouse's face.
She is team turkey burger
in a way I am team nothing
in my entire life.
At that point, I'd had enough.
I go, "Enough, enough, enough,
enough, enough, enough."
She goes, "Stop it, Jared!"
"Get in with Ronnie. Take a picture."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and whooping]
I make a lot of jokes about my mom,
but she is necessary.
[audience laughs]
Everyone in this room wanted to know
what Ronnie's wife was eating.
[audience laughs]
All of you, but most of you are like me,
you don't have the balls to ask.
You need someone like that,
especially when you vacation
at the beach.
When we go to the beach,
my mom gets there at three in the morning
[audience laughs]
to save the chairs.
-[scattered laughter]
-[chuckles]
Every family has a chair saver.
-[woman whoops]
-Right.
And if you've met one chair saver,
you have met every chair saver.
Same personality.
I can see, you're looking
at your chair saver right now.
I can see you thinking it, right?
Most people call that person "cunt."
[audience laughs]
'Cause they do a cunty thing.
They take a basket of clothing and trash
and they sprinkle it on all the chairs
they want to save.
And it's not obvious.
It's not a "reserved" sign.
It's more like a riddle or a clue.
My mom will put a single sock
[audience laughing]
Dasani water bottle,
towel, towel, towel, towel,
winter coat, mittens, carrot,
and then she'll leave.
If you got to the beach after my mom,
you'd be like, "Did a snowman melt here?"
She's passionate. One time, at breakfast,
I go, "Mom, we have chairs at the beach?"
She goes, "Jared!"
[audience laughs]
"Everything the light touches is mine."
[audience laughing]
And to some people,
that energy is uncomfortable.
But to me, that's all I know.
That's kind of
what I'm looking for in my life.
I was dating this girl,
we went to the beach.
We got there at 9:00 a.m.
and there were no chairs.
And I remember thinking to myself,
what am I doing with this loser?
[audience laughs]
She was going up to families,
asking for chairs.
I was embarrassed.
Finally, she looked at me.
She goes, "I just don't understand."
"Who would wake up this early
on their vacation?"
I said, "A good mother would!"
[audience laughing]
So
So my mom comes out of the ocean
from peeing, ombr.
And she's like, "What's going on?"
And my dad, from across the beach goes,
"I just wanna know how much Jared weighs!"
[audience laughs]
My mom then takes it
from a five to a 5,000.
From across the beach, she screams,
"You know he's sensitive!"
[audience laughing]
This is the moment my family
became the garbage family at the beach.
Women were rising
like meerkats on the Sahara.
[audience laughs]
And everyone around us
was talking about me and my body.
A mom in this direction goes,
"The chubby one
is sensitive about his body."
"We should fix him up with Jessica.
She's sensitive to milk."
A dad in this direction
had a tear going down his cheek.
He goes, "This is gonna be a great trip."
[audience laughs]
An older man who's a family friend
comes out of nowhere.
He looks at me, he goes, "Let me see.
I'm 230, you can't be more than me."
[audience laughs]
My mom looks at this guy, she goes,
"He gets drunk, and eats when he's drunk."
[audience laughing]
My dad looks at him and goes,
"He's just so thick!"
And I look at my dad,
I go, "That was the thought!"
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
"You were looking at me in the beach chair
thinking, 'Wow, look how thick Jared is.'"
"'I wonder how much
the thickness weighs.'"
"And I told you,
that's not a positive thought."
He goes, "Thick isn't negative."
I was like, "You're not a rapper."
[audience laughs]
I don't think your friends are like,
"How's Jared doing?"
You're like, "Ooh!"
[audience laughs]
"We got a thick boy on our hands."
"You got to see this fat ass,
it should be on TikTok."
[audience laughing]
He goes, "I wanna know what you weigh."
I go, "217, drop it. 217, drop it!"
My brother was next to him the whole time.
My brother goes, "It's more than that."
[audience laughing]
But you should try these Rob Lowe cookies.
They're pretty good.
-I'm Jared Freid. Thank you, Tarrytown.
-[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you, Tarrytown.
Appreciate y'all.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
[cheering and applauding continues]
[funk music playing]
You there, come on!
[Mom] Oh no. Are you taping us right now?
-[Jared] Why would I be taping you?
-[Mom] You did it before.
[Jared] No, I'm not taping.
-What happened to your tooth?
-[Mom] Don't ask.
-[Jared] You lost a tooth?
-[Mom] No, it was extracted.
[Jared] What do you mean?
I thought I was going for a root canal,
and they couldn't save the crown,
and I had a deep cavity in the eye tooth.
It was a mess.
And they have to do an implant.
So you came here toothless?
We're going to take pictures.
Until Monday.
Well, I can keep my mouth shut.
Do you usually smile?
No, he closes his eyes anyway.
[Jared laughs]
-Let's worry about you, huh?
-I'm okay.
[Mom] Who out of the big wigs
are going to be here?
-Well, just my manager.
-[Mom] Managers?
And some of the agents will be there.
And what about-- Do you have makeup?
-Makeup, hair.
-Should've invited Jimmy Fallon.
-I should've invited Jimmy Fallon.
-Come on.
-Jimmy, come on down.
-Oh, you should have.
He would've loved it.
Well, you think I'll text him?
If you texted him--
I don't have his number.
Why would you think I have it?
I don't know.
[cell phone ringing]
That's the loudest ring.
Do I have anything in my teeth?
Dad doesn't have teeth,
so you don't have to worry!
-You had to do it. You had to do it.
-That's a shower.
-You look like a hillbilly.
-Kim.
[Mom] Are you ready?
[Jared] As ready as I'm ever gonna be.
-That's right. Get the show on the road.
-You've been practicing for over a year.
-Yeah, we've done this already.
-But make sure you take it slow.
-I have this. [laughs]
-[belches] Excuse me.
[funk music continues]
Come on
Ow!
[music fades]
I-- I vacation with my parents, though.
Does anyone vacation
with their parents, though?
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Okay, good.
Okay, good. So, some people from money.
[audience laughs]
The rest of you poor orphan losers
will have to try and relate
to the next hour of material.
[audience laughs]
I vacation with my parents,
and my brother got married recently,
which I'm very happy about.
Because we needed the dynamic to change.
Like
'Cause when we would vacation--
Like, I'm 39, never married, no kids.
My brother, 35, never married, no kids.
So we would just be two adults
[audience laughs]
with two older adults.
We looked like swingers.
[audience laughing]
It looked like I was checking in
with my boyfriend
and our sugar parents.
And if you saw
how the cell phone bill got paid,
that's not far from the truth.
[audience laughs]
Sometimes we'd play it up.
We'd hold hands.
We'd be like,
"Daddy, can we have the $35 water?"
My mom would get so mad.
She'd yell at us.
She'd be like, "Stop it!"
I'm 39. That's how my mom
yells at me in public.
Never opens her mouth. "Stop it!"
She's like an angry ventriloquist.
"Enough!"
I hate arguing with my mom.
My mom's the best arguer.
-I think most moms are great arguers.
-[women whoop]
They go straight to victim.
[audience laughs]
No one's a bigger victim than a mom.
My mom will bring up things
that happened to her earlier in the day
that have nothing to do
with the argument at all.
You'll just be like having fun,
acting gay with your brother
[audience laughs]
in the lobby of a Hilton. [laughs]
She'll be like, "Stop it!"
"Don't do this to me today.
The cleaning woman didn't come today!"
"You can have sex
with your brother tomorrow!"
[audience laughing]
I'm 39. I'm still on the family plan.
-[audience cheering and whooping]
-Okay.
There we go.
Thank you, the people who "whoo'd."
The rest of you can go fuck yourselves.
[audience laughs]
All of you are on the family plan.
You're looking at me like,
"This won't be relatable material at all."
I guess I have to be vulnerable.
I'll be vulnerable.
I don't even know
what a cell phone bill looks like.
[audience laughing]
I have to fake conversations.
I don't know any of the words.
My friend was like, "I'm low on data."
I'm like, "Maybe I got some
in my pocket for you."
[audience laughs]
To be honest,
I'm never getting off of the family plan.
Never.
My parents can pay
until the day they die.
[audience laughs]
It'll be sad when my parents pass.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
They'll be like-- They're dead.
I'll be like, "Oh no."
[audience laughs]
And then I'll be like, "Oh no!"
"How will I handle
the financial responsibility?!"
[audience laughs]
Some of you are getting judgy.
-Fuck you.
-[audience laughs]
Some of you are looking at me.
You're like, "Well, I'm 35.
By the time I'm 39--"
[audience laughs]
Listen, I agree.
It's weird to be on the family plan at 39.
You want an upgrade,
you have to call home.
[audience laughs]
That's a weird conv-- "Mommy!"
"What's your social security number?"
"Why?" "No reason!"
[audience laughs]
People get weird on this topic.
I'm talking about money.
There was a woman at a show,
she yelled out. She goes, "It's cheaper!"
[audience laughs]
Yeah, so is living in their basement.
I'm not rationalizing that.
I'm not bringing chicks home, being like,
"The race car bed's economical."
[audience laughs]
"Ever given road head?" Like
[audience laughing]
It's also not weird
to be on the family plan at 39.
I think that's the most Millennial thing
I could be.
We have Millennials
in here tonight, right?
[audience cheering]
Our relationship with our parents
is already bizarre.
I fly places, I text my parents, "Landed."
What the fuck is going on?
[audience laughs]
I don't remember my parents running
to a pay phone when we got to Florida.
"Grandma, we made it!"
[audience laughs]
We have a weird relationship
with our parents.
We're financially tied to them.
We kind of work for them.
They're management.
[audience laughs]
We have to laugh at their jokes.
You ever hear a Boomer joke?
Awful.
It's always the same.
It's always like,
"My pronouns are 'fuck you!'"
-We're like
-[audience laughing]
"Good one."
[audience laughs]
Let's make fun of the people
that were bullied the most in high school.
[audience laughs]
I said the word "Boomer,"
and every time I say the word "Boomer,"
I lose a piece of the audience.
That's not a political word to me.
That's just a group of people.
Gen Z, Gen X, Millennial, Boomer.
But every time I say "Boomer,"
I see some guy in the crowd
that looks like my dad,
just like, "This liberal cock!"
[audience laughs]
It's crazy. I love the Boomers.
I love them.
I vacation with them.
[audience laughing]
But they shouldn't be, like,
allowed out of the house.
Like, they don't fit in society.
Like, my dad's on TikTok. He loves TikTok.
He was scrolling. It was melting--
You ever watch someone scroll on TikTok
and their brain is, like, melting?
-[audience laughs]
-He's scrolling.
He goes, "It just keeps
giving me women's asses."
[audience laughs]
He said that at a HomeGoods.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]
"It just keeps giving me women's asses."
I was like, "That's cause you look longer
at the women's asses,
so the algorithm
gives you more women's asses."
He didn't even look up.
He goes, "I love the algorithm."
[audience laughs]
He's talking about the algorithm
like it's his wingman.
He's like, "Yo, you gotta meet Algo."
-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]
No, I love the Boomers.
I think they're fantastic.
I love the Boomers.
You ever gotten advice from one?
[audience chuckles]
Yeah, it's like the dumbest shit
you've ever heard.
They'll look you right in the eye,
they'll be like, "Print out your rsum!"
[audience laughs]
"Knock on an office door!"
"Tell them you want a job!"
[audience laughs]
We don't even work in offices anymore.
If I took my mom's advice,
I'd be knocking on the door
of an empty Macy's.
-"Hello?!"
-[audience laughs]
"My mother says there's opportunity here!"
"I'll be off-season Jewish Santa!"
[audience laughs]
The Boomers are great.
I envy them.
They're the most confident generation.
No one's more confident than a Boomer.
Millennials, we're the least confident.
We don't believe in ourselves
even a little.
Gen Z women were like,
"We do a middle part with our hair."
Millennial women were like,
"Yeah, we do that now too."
[audience laughs]
We couldn't even commit to a hair style.
[audience laughs]
I wish I had Boomer confidence, right?
'Cause they didn't
go through much, you know?
[scattered laughter]
Okay.
[audience laughs]
Okay, it got weird in here.
Did they pay for your ticket here too?
-What's going on?
-[audience laughs]
What'd they go through, JFK?
[imitates crying]
[audience laughs]
Wouldn't crack a Millennial Top 10.
9/11, pandemic, two financial collapses.
They just said
aliens are here amongst us.
[audience laughs]
We didn't even flinch.
We're like, "Aliens? Fuck it."
[audience laughing]
"What are they going to do,
take our homes?"
"We're renters."
[audience cheering]
Bring on the aliens.
[audience cheering and whooping]
I hope aliens are here.
They lick me in the ear,
I come out my ass.
I don't give a fucking shit.
[audience laughs]
I hope they bring a new gender.
The Boomers are like, "Another one?!"
[audience laughs]
It always gets weird when I say
the Boomers didn't go through anything.
They didn't.
They had the greatest financial run
any generation has ever had
in the history of this country.
The market went up every day!
If it went down a point,
they'd yell at Jim Cramer.
"Print more money!"
[audience laughs]
"Make it go up!"
And now, surprise, surprise,
print more money, money worth nothing.
And we have to be on the family plan.
[audience laughs]
And we gotta be nice to them
so that we can go on the trips.
[audience laughs]
How will I ever see Cancun
[audience laughing]
if I'm not nice to wrinkles?
That's the Millennial plight, right?
We have to talk to them
more than any generation
has ever had to talk to their parents.
Right? We have to be nice.
We have to deal with them
because they have the money.
[audience laughs]
Have you ever had a good day,
then call home,
and it's the worst mistake
you've ever made?
[audience laughing]
You're like, what a great day.
I'll call my mom.
[audience laughing]
And then you call your mom,
she just launches in.
You're like, "Hey, Mom."
She's like, "Where are the jeans
I bought you 17 years ago?!"
"Have you been to the dentist?
You've been to the dentist?"
"You've been to the dentist.
You've been to the dentist"
"Everyone on Facebook has cancer!"
"Everyone you know is doing very well."
"Where the fuck are my grandkids?!"
You're like, click.
-[wheezing]
-[audience laughing]
What happened to that good day?
-[audience laughs]
-[woman whoops]
I called home, my mom was like,
"Where are you going?"
I was like, "Nashville."
She goes, "Lot of murder."
[audience laughing]
Just the whole city of Nashville.
Murderous wasteland.
She made it sound like
I'd be landing in Fallujah.
Like I'd get off the plane
[imitates machine gun fire]
Like I'd be crawling up Broadway,
begging bachelorette parties
for a swig from their penis straw.
[audience laughs]
"Please, I didn't hydrate!
I didn't listen to mommy!"
"I'll suck on the ball!"
[audience laughs]
And they always pick up.
[audience laughing]
Lookit, the Boomers don't even know
what the fuck I'm talking about.
They're like, "Why wouldn't I pick up?"
My parents will pick up
to tell me they can't pick up.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
I call my dad.
He's like, "I'm in spin class.
Can I call you back?" What?
Can you imagine you're in spin class,
some old guy, "Hello!"?
His old-guy ring.
[imitates percussive ringtone]
Just hit the red button!
We'll do this another time!
Just hit the red button!
I don't know what they think
we're calling them about.
We're calling you to fill a walk.
[audience laughing]
We're calling you
to get from home to coffee,
to get away from the horrific thoughts
that you parented into our heads.
[audience cheering and whooping]
And, yes, it's a bad strategy
to call the witch who cursed you
to try and break the spell.
But you're the only ones who pick up.
[audience laughing]
And a woman get so mad
at that joke in Boston.
She yelled out,
she goes, "I always pick up!"
"My daughter calls, I pick up!"
I looked her right in the eye,
I go, "Why?"
She goes, "What if it's an emergency?"
This is how cocky
these idiot Boomers are.
[audience laughs]
They think we're calling them
in an emergency.
If it's an emergency,
my parents are my last fucking call.
[audience laughing]
If I called my parents in an emergency,
they would blame me for the emergency.
[audience laughing]
I'd be like, "The house is on fire."
My mom would be like,
"You probably left the oven on!"
"You're lazy,
you had three martinis last night,
I saw your Instagram stories!"
My dad would get the phone,
like, "What year's the oven from?"
I'd be like, "There's no fucking oven!"
As I burned to ash,
my dying words would be explaining
that my apartment's too small for an oven.
The saddest death conversation ever
in the history of death.
[audience laughing]
That's the thing,
they don't stop parenting.
That's crazy to me.
I'm 39, I'm a finished product.
I'm never improving.
[audience laughs]
Never, just enjoy it.
If your kids like hanging out with you
as adults, just enjoy it!
Sit across from the C-plus you made
and have a good time!
[audience laughing]
Like, my family likes to eat a lot.
Not variety, volume.
[audience laughs]
We like as much as we can fit
in our bodies.
And I was out to dinner,
my dad, my brother, my mom, and I,
and my dad, in the middle of a meal,
just announced that
we were full as a family.
[audience laughing]
He literally goes,
"That's enough, we're done."
He took his water,
poured it on the calamari.
He goes, "That's enough."
-[audience laughs]
-"That's enough."
I go, "What the fuck?!"
He goes, "Jared"
"Jared, even a train stops."
[audience laughing]
He used metaphor
to teach me about full at 39 years old.
I mean, what's next, word problems?
If Jared starts eating at 12 p.m.
and doesn't shut
his fat fucking mouth at 2 p.m.,
will he fit in his Rosh Hashanah suit
in the fall?
[audience laughing]
I like this crowd.
You're a good crowd, thank you.
I appreciate you guys coming tonight.
-You're a good crowd.
-[audience cheering and applauding]
You-- Not just because
you're good laughers, but you--
I can tell when you get uncomfortable
during the joke, which is good,
'cause that means you're in it,
you're listening.
Some of you did not like the imagery
of my dad pouring water on the calamari.
Yes, my fellow Weight Watchers alumnus.
[audience laughs]
That's not the triggering part.
The triggering part
is when the waitress comes back.
The table is a puddle.
[audience laughs]
She came back, she's like,
"What happened here?"
She looked at the ceiling,
she goes, "Was there a leak?"
And I had to look at her, 39,
and go, "No!"
[audience laughing]
"We just can't control ourselves."
"The choo-choo went express
instead of local."
"Today we learned moderation."
[laughing continues]
That's the thing, when you vacation
with your parents as an adult,
you don't want attention.
You know that type of attention
could come at any time.
You don't want attention.
You want a free trip.
[audience laughs]
So, what do you need
on a family vacation as an adult?
You need alcohol, drugs
[audience laughs]
your own room, I hope to God.
[audience laughs]
But what you really need
is another family.
You need another family
to argue amongst themselves so loudly
that you and your family
can come together
to talk shit about those losers.
[audience laughs]
Right? You need one family
a little more garbage than your family.
And you use them, you crush them.
You see them in the lobby, you're like,
"Look, the Garbages are here!"
[audience laughing]
You see them at the buffet, you're like,
"Look how they eat, they're pigs!"
We were checking in at a hotel once,
there was a family behind us,
the daughter was like my age.
She looks at her mom, she goes,
"You always do this, Mom!"
My dad looked at our whole family,
he was like,
"It's gonna be a great trip."
[audience laughs]
And it was.
We crushed that family for a week.
[audience laughing]
Anytime we could make fun of them,
we would.
It's been a decade since this trip,
we still look at each other
and make fun of that family.
My mom was like,
"You're having another martini?"
I'm like, "You always do this, Mom!"
[audience laughs]
You remember the Garbages?
See, we're on them now.
[audience laughs]
We like the beach,
we love the beach, we're a beach family.
We also hate our bodies.
[audience laughing]
That's a weird combination,
loving the beach, hating your body.
Because you get as naked
as legally possible,
and then you sit in a circle
and talk about
how disgusting you've gotten
[laughing continues]
since the last time you sat in a circle.
Every conversation at the beach
is about food and your body,
food and your body.
"You eat? When you gonna eat?"
"You ate? When you gonna eat?"
"You ate? When are you gonna eat?"
References to shitting.
"You had cheese? What are you gonna do?"
[audience laughing]
That's the thing,
if you're from an eating family like me,
you know all you talk about is food,
and then there's this shock
that food has any consequences.
[audience laughs]
That's my whole life.
That's my whole life of consumption.
Since I could drink, my mom's like,
"Have a drink!
Let's have a drink! Have a drink!"
And then the next morning,
I'll come down to the kitchen,
it'll be dimly lit,
she'll be at the table,
she'll be like,
"We have to talk about the drinking."
[audience laughing]
You ever been to an intervention
run by your dealer?
[audience laughing]
That's why I hate
health food commercials.
All the marketing for health food
is aimed at eating families, right?
They wanna make it
so you think you can eat
as much as you want without consequences.
Right now, the Atkins Diet
has a line of food.
You can go buy Atkins-approved foods
at the market.
The spokesperson for the campaign
is Rob Lowe.
[scattered laughter]
Okay, 17 of you laughed at the premise
of this next 20-minute bit.
[audience laughing]
And I am so angry.
I can't believe that the minute I say
Rob Lowe is the spokesperson
for the Atkins line of foods,
that you all don't just stand
and applaud me.
[audience laughs]
I can't believe that--
Maybe some of you
don't know who Rob Lowe is.
I can explain Rob Lowe in one sentence.
Rob Lowe has been famous
for being hot for 40 years.
[audience laughs]
And he's gonna help me lose weight.
[audience laughs]
You don't see the ridiculous
in that premise?
-[scattered whoops]
-'Cause that's what they want.
They want me to see Rob Lowe on TV
eating Atkins foods and go,
"Wow, if I eat like Rob Lowe,
I could look like Rob Lowe."
And I've been traveling the country
for two years to tell people,
no, we won't.
[audience laughs]
I have to believe that Rob Lowe
is the biggest piece of shit
in the country.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Listen, some of you are looking at me
like, "Whoa, whoa, not my Robby boy."
-You need--
-[audience laughs]
I know this is crazy,
me, a gremlin in a haunted theater,
like, "Fuck Rob Lowe!"
[audience laughing]
I get it, he's probably in Hollywood,
banging a supermodel,
like, "Did someone say my name?"
I get it, it's crazy.
And I just brought this to you,
it takes some time to digest.
Because there's only two ways
that he's in that commercial.
There's only two.
One, he has eating issues like me.
No, he doesn't.
[audience laughs]
Or two, he's a greedy asshole
who took the money
no matter what he is pimping.
[scattered laughter]
That's the only way I can see it.
I have nightmares
about Rob Lowe every night.
[audience laughs]
I have the same nightmare,
he's touring his mansion, he's like,
"That pool house was bought
with the delusions of chubbies."
[audience laughing]
He gives advice in his commercial.
I'm not making up
an ounce of what I am telling you.
He reads e-mails, he goes,
"Elaine in Wisconsin wants to know,
'What do you do about a sweet tooth?'"
And Rob Lowe
looks into the camera and goes,
"Elaine"
[audience laughing]
"just do what I do
and have two Atkins cookies."
[audience laughing]
You don't think
that's a piece of shit at all?
[laughing continues]
You don't think that's a dickhead?
Elaine has a heroin-level
addiction to sugar
that she's calling a sweet tooth.
[laughing continues]
You don't think Elaine is screwed up?
She wrote in blindly
to the Atkins Corporation.
[laughing continues]
That's like writing into Pfizer
about your fentanyl issue.
That's crazy.
[audience laughs]
She's like, "Please, Atkins, help me."
"I'm sucking dick for Splenda
in an alley."
And Rob Lowe, who has abs in his sixties,
and not a doctorate to be found,
is like, "Just have two Atkins cookies."
[audience laughs]
You don't think
that's a piece of shit at all?
You don't think he deserves
any blame in Elaine's life?
The idea that Rob Lowe
can answer my e-mails
enrages me to my core.
Like, the idea that Rob could be like,
"Jared in New York City wants to know"
"'What do you do if you go to the kitchen
17 times throughout the night"
[audience laughs]
"to have a single slice of cheese"
[audience laughs]
"because you were good today"?
[audience laughing]
Like, Rob Lowe wouldn't even understand
what I was writing about.
He has no connection to the material.
He would look at the camera,
he'd go, "Why would you go 17 times?"
He'd give you the advice
some asshole would give.
"Why don't you just have a glass of water?
Or brush your teeth or eat an apple?"
"Or you could do what I do
and have two Atkins cookies."
[audience laughing]
"Excuse me, so"
"Jared wrote in again?
There's another e-mail from Jared."
[audience laughs]
"Jared in New York City wants to know,
'What do you do if your friend
won't split a third sandwich?'"
[audience laughing]
"Why would you get a third sandwich?
Didn't you each have your own?"
"Why don't you come back another day
when you're actually hungry?"
"Or you could do what I do
and have two Atkins cookies."
[audience laughing]
"Jared wrote in again, this is crazy."
[audience laughing]
"Jared must be messed up.
Something wrong with Jared."
"He wrote in three times
to the Atkins Corporation."
"Elaine didn't even do this, oh my God."
"Jared in New York City wants to know,
'What do you do
if you live in fear of jeans
that just came out of the dryer?'"
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and whooping]
"Why would jeans fit differently
after the dryer?"
"Maybe you got the wrong jeans."
"Or you could do what I do
and have--" [laughs]
He's a piece of shit. I, um
Now listen, I don't want
anyone confused leaving here tonight.
I don't hate Rob Lowe
because he has a lot of money.
I like when people make money.
I hate that he's lying to me
to make his money.
If he was honest, I'd be so cool
with Rob Lowe being the spokesperson.
If Rob Lowe did an honest commercial--
I actually wrote a script
that I'd be okay with Rob Lowe doing.
Can I share with you the script?
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Jared] Perfect.
Now, I-- You might not know,
I'm gonna act it out the way I want Rob--
You don't know, I do some acting.
I've never been cast in anything ever.
But I'm gonna act it out
the way I want Rob Lowe to do it.
Okay? Are we ready?
[scattered whoops]
Hi! I'm Rob Lowe!
-[audience laughs]
-Okay-- [laughs]
I want him angry. [laughs]
No one's ever started a diet
with a smile on their face.
[audience laughs]
You know who wouldn't know that?
Rob fucking Lowe.
[audience laughs]
Okay. [laughs]
Hi, I'm Rob Lowe!
You're not ever going to look like me.
But you can look less like you.
[audience laughs]
If you eat two of these Atkins cookies
every three hours for a week.
You'll probably lose about 10 pounds,
which I've never done,
but I'm sure would be a big deal
for big fat fucking you.
[audience laughs]
So good luck
carrying around Atkins cookies
with you to work and dinner
and social functions.
Better bring a fanny pack, you fat fuck.
[audience laughs]
While I keep living a normal life
'cause I have no emotional connection
to food whatso-fucking-ever.
And remember, I once had sex
with the Princess of Monaco.
[audience laughing]
Google it.
That's how hot I am.
I'm bang-a-princess hot,
and they're paying me
to help you lose weight.
The economic structure
of this country is wild.
Sure, my generation kept printing money
with no regards to the generations
that come after it.
[audience laughs]
But I digress. [laughs]
[audience laughing]
So eat Atkins.
Maybe you'll lose some weight.
You'll never lose enough to bang royalty.
[audience laughs]
But if you're lucky, you might lose enough
to see your penis once again.
[audience laughing]
-[audience cheering and whooping]
-That's my ad.
For Rob Lowe.
So we go to the beach.
[audience laughs]
Before I go to the beach,
I have a last moment with the mirror.
Does anyone do that?
I'll take my shirt off,
I'm in the bathroom,
I'm in my bathing suit, I'm just like
[inhales, sighs]
[audience laughs]
"I guess this is it."
I'll suck it in, I'll be like,
"That's as good as it's gonna be."
I let it out, I go,
"That's as bad as it's gonna be."
I give myself a pep talk, like,
"Who would look at you? You a narcissist?"
"Think someone will ask
you how much you weigh?"
And then I go to the beach.
[audience laughs]
That's why I pray
for everyone in this room tonight.
I pray for you all.
I pray you never see what you look like
sitting in a beach chair.
[audience laughs]
Okay, laughter is admission, you know.
You look disgusting in a beach chair.
I know you know you look disgusting
in a beach chair.
Because, like me,
you never check out that position
in the mirror before the beach.
I'm about to spend 90% of my day
in the beach chair.
I don't wanna know what that looks like.
I'm never like, "Okay,
let's see what the world's about to see."
[audience laughing]
"Yup, that's the body I imagine I have."
"Oh, cool, this is me during sex too,
good to know."
[audience laughing]
That's why I don't like anyone
who takes out their phone at the beach
and takes pictures.
If you take out your phone at the beach
and take pictures, you're an asshole.
I don't know how you don't know
that'd make someone uncomfortable.
Every time someone takes their phone out,
I'm like, "Whoa!"
[audience laughs]
"Who wants to bury me in sand?"
[audience laughing]
How do they not know?
If I was a dictator,
I would send a message.
I would have beach picture takers
beheaded in a town square.
I'd be like, "Jessica's crime's
took a beach picture!"
"After we ate lunch!"
"Didn't cut us off at the shoulders!"
[audience laughing]
Okay, some of you
did not like the imagery
[audience laughs]
of me beheading a woman in a town square.
Some of you got uncomfortable,
and I don't want anyone
to leave here uncomfortable.
Some of you pulled back.
Okay, let me explain
my joke writing process.
I only make fun of people I know
or hope to meet.
[audience laughs]
The day I meet Rob Lowe
[audience laughs]
will be the weirdest day
of someone else's life.
They'll be like, "He ran up to Rob Lowe
and was yelling about cookies and shit."
[audience laughs]
Yeah, I don't create a straw man
to make my point, is what I'm saying.
I only make fun of people I know
or I would meet.
That feels fair to me.
My second rule
is I only tell stories that are true.
I make them funnier, but they're true.
I hope that makes everyone feel better
about the jokes I tell tonight.
[scattered laughter]
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.
So, the woman that I would behead
in the town square
is my mom.
[audience laughs]
There is no worse picture taker
in the entire world than my mom.
She has no creative eye.
She'll put together
any combination of people.
We were at dinner once,
she goes, "Get in with the waitress."
[audience laughs]
I go, "Why would I get in
with the waitress?"
She made it awkward.
She goes, "You don't like the waitress?"
"You don't think she's a good waitress?"
"She got everything right.
She never wrote anything down!"
[audience laughs]
Boomers love a waitress
who gets everything right
without writing it down.
That is like Cirque du Soleil to them.
My dad sees a waiter with no pad,
he's like, "Whoa!
We got a Harvard grad."
I think that's what he masturbates to.
I think he watches YouTube videos
of diner waitresses getting it right.
Just like, "Pancakes, eggs over easy,
French toast, crispy bacon for the table.
Did I miss anything?"
He's like
[audience laughing]
"Get in with the waitress."
That's every argument
I've ever had with my mom.
Her asking me
to do something completely insane.
"Jared, you, your father,
and the waitress, let's go."
[audience laughing]
Me telling her,
"That's an insane request you just made."
And then her accusing me
of being difficult
for not doing her insane request.
Every argument.
"Jared, stop being difficult."
"You, your father,
and the waitress, let's go."
[audience laughs]
"Don't do this to me today."
"The living room remote
isn't working well."
[audience laughing]
"You're always difficult."
"You always left your shoes out
in the mudroom. Stop this."
Anyone could walk in,
she'd pull him 'em in the picture.
"Is that Jessica Greenstein,
your high school ex-girlfriend?"
"Get in the picture, come on."
"Yeah, your husband,
the two kids, the nanny, let's go."
"Jared. Jared! You don't want a picture
with you, your father, the waitress,
Jessica Greenstein, her husband,
the two kids, and the nanny?"
[audience laughing]
"Come on, you're Facebook friends.
I'm sure you talk every day. What--?"
[audience laughs]
"Don't do this to me today.
The AC in the attic isn't working well."
[audience laughs]
"Phan, the tailor
who did your bar mitzvah suit."
"Get in the picture, come on."
"Yes, Phan, get in the picture.
Jared, he's Vietnamese!"
[audience laughing]
"Get in the picture."
"Jared, you don't want a picture with you,
Phan the tailor, your father, waitress,
Jessica Greenstein, her husband,
the two kids, and the nanny?"
"Why are you doing this to me today?"
"They didn't take my coupon at Saks."
"Stop this."
[audience laughs]
"Oh my God, Rabbi Rubenstein,
the mohel from your bris."
"Come on, Rabbi. Yes, get in the picture."
"Don't look at him,
he's being difficult today."
"It's a bad day for him.
Get in the picture."
"Jared, Jared! Jared, you don't want
a picture with you, Rabbi Rubenstein,
Phan the tailor,
your father, the waitress,
Jessica Greenstein, her husband,
the two kids, and nanny? This is crazy."
"It's the third, fifth, and seventh person
to see your penis."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and whooping]
[woman whoops]
"You're going to want this picture."
It's a long road to a small penis joke,
I agree, okay?
[audience laughs]
I just-- [laughs]
I like telling it
in certain parts of the country.
You lose people along the way, which is
I did it in Tulsa, some guy was like,
"What the fuck is a mohel?"
Rootin'-tootin'.
[audience laughs]
So we go to the beach.
My dad's sitting here, I am sitting here,
we are facing each other
in the beach chairs.
[audience laughs]
Before I get into my story, you have to
know something about my dad and I.
We have the same exact body.
That's the most uncomfortable thing
I've ever said on stage.
[audience laughs]
Most of you have the same body
as at least one of your parents.
You would never acknowledge it.
I wouldn't.
I would never be at a party,
be like, "Dad!"
[audience laughing]
"Oh my God!"
"We're like Russian dolls!"
[audience laughing]
"Hey, everyone, I could fit inside of him,
this is crazy!"
[audience laughs]
My dad has food and body issues
just like me,
but that generation's
not as vulnerable as us, right?
They never call it food and body issues.
They call it,
"I'm not eating bread anymore."
[audience laughs]
My dad randomly goes off of bread.
You don't know
if you're walking into bread times
or no bread times.
You only find out when the bread basket
hits the table at the restaurant.
All of a sudden, big coming out party.
He's like, "No bread here,
14 days, clean and sober!"
He pushes the basket at me,
like, "You like bread, have the bread."
"Come on, Jared Carbstein,
you're a big bread guy."
"I remember the days when I ate bread."
I'd be like, "Oh, you remember
two weeks ago, cool."
"No dementia."
[audience laughing]
He went off of bread during Thanksgiving.
What a piece of fucking shit.
The eating holiday? He freaked out.
He couldn't even handle it.
We were going around the table
saying what we were thankful for.
You ever play that game?
I fucking hate that game.
It's the moment I'm face to face with
the fact that I am thankful for nothing.
[audience laughs]
Right? It's such a dark moment.
You're sitting there brainstorming
what the fuck you're gonna say.
I'm sitting there like,
"Am I allowed to say money?"
Right? You're not that thankful
if a cousin's like, "Family and health!"
And I'm like, "They took them both."
[audience laughs]
I try to be slick.
I'm like, "Health and family."
[audience laughing]
We go around the table.
Everyone's doing their bullshit
creative writing project.
And it gets to my dad. My dad freaks out.
He goes,
"I wish celery tasted like bread!"
[audience laughing]
"And bread tasted like celery!"
I was like,
"That's not the game we're playing."
[audience laughs]
We're not sitting at Thanksgiving
with a genie.
[audience laughs]
That's how not thankful my dad is.
The guy before him was like,
"I'm thankful the treatments are working."
[audience laughs]
And then my dad gets up.
He's like, "Life is a hellscape.
Let me tell you."
"Ants on a log
should be on a toasted ciabatta."
"I don't know what we're doing out there."
[audience laughs]
I just think my dad's
always trying to annoy people.
Like, I think that's what dads do.
They're pot-stirrers.
Like my dad walks into rooms,
he'll start narrating the room.
He walks into every room.
He'll be like,
"Everyone's on their phone."
[audience laughing]
"Everyone's always on the phone!"
And then my mom's like the hype woman.
She gives context.
She's like, "He hates technology."
[audience laughing]
It's like you're hanging out
with Jewish Morgan Freeman
and Flava Flav.
Like, it's like crazy.
[audience laughs]
It's so loud. He'll walk in.
"Interracial couples!"
"Everyone's interracial now!"
She'll be like,
"He's not racist. Just noticing."
[audience laughing]
[coughs]
"All the women, big asses!"
"Everyone's got a huge tush now!"
"You should see his TikTok."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
So we're at the beach. My dad [laughs]
My dad's sitting here. I'm sitting here,
facing each other in the beach chairs.
Just me looking into the future.
[audience laughing]
Him looking into the past.
Before I get into the story I wanna tell,
you have to know two things.
Okay? Before I get going.
One, I love my dad. I think he loves me.
[audience laughs]
Two, uh, are there Jews here tonight?
[audience cheering and whooping]
I love when Jews are in the crowd
because you guys know
more than anyone else,
I'm not yelling.
[audience laughs]
This is conversational tone to me.
I travel the whole country.
You go to towns, no Jews.
I was in North Carolina,
woman in the front is hugging her Bible.
[audience laughs]
The whole show, she's like,
"The Jew keeps yelling at us."
-I'm not yelling at all.
-[audience laughing]
[woman whoops, laughs]
So my dad's sitting there,
I'm sitting here.
We're facing each other,
and he's staring at me.
You know when someone's staring at you
and you're like, what the fuck?
He's staring.
And finally I look at him and I go,
"What?"
[audience laughs]
And he looks at me-- I'll never forget it.
and he goes
"How much do you weigh?"
[audience laughing]
That is the craziest question
I have ever gotten at the beach.
[audience laughing]
It wasn't two hours ago that I was
shirtless in front of the mirror going,
"It's not like anyone's going to ask you
how much you weigh."
[audience laughing]
Now, when I get a question
that I don't like or don't understand,
I try to think of reasons
people would ask the question.
I can only think of two reasons
someone would ask someone else
how much they weigh at the beach.
[audience laughs]
One,
there's a beachside carnival.
[audience laughing]
Things are being guessed.
Prizes are being awarded.
[audience laughing]
Two, the only other way I could imagine
being asked how much I weigh at the beach.
A homeless vagrant on acid
[audience laughing]
comes running on the beach.
He's like, "Ah!"
He looks at me. We make eye contact.
He tilts his head.
He goes, "How much do you weigh?!"
And then he runs off,
never to be seen again.
[audience laughs]
And in that scenario,
I would be hurt even still.
I'd need an EMT.
I'd be in the tinfoil blanket.
The cop would be like, "Did he touch you?"
I'd have tears going down my cheek.
I'd be like,
"He touched me with his thoughts!"
[audience laughing]
Now, I lose people
every time I tell this story.
Some of you,
there is no context or nuance
to asking someone how much they weigh.
To you, that is an evil question.
You don't need a reason.
I'm not as angry as you.
If I'm given a good reason,
I'd be fine with it.
I do need a reason, though.
If my dad was outside
of a small, private plane
[audience laughing]
Okay, the people still on the family plan
know where I'm going with it.
-[audience laughing]
-[man whoops]
If my dad was outside
of a small, private plane,
and he was like, "How much do you weigh?"
And then I was like, "Why?"
And he was like, "I need to make sure
the weight is distributed properly
so the plane doesn't flip over
and fall out of the sky."
It would be weird of me to get angry
and be like,
"I guess you better wear
a parachute then, you bitch!"
[audience laughing]
But we're at the beach,
and there's no seaplane
floating in the ocean.
[audience laughs]
So I look back at him, and I go
-[audience laughs]
-[laughs]
"Why?"
And he looks at me, I'll never forget it,
and he goes
"No reason."
[audience laughing]
Everyone here knows
that's not how questions work.
[audience laughing]
When you have a question,
you have a thought.
You have a question about that thought.
I need to know that thought.
Admittedly, I am now angry.
I stand up from the beach chair.
I'm not gonna debate telling someone
how much I weigh from this position.
[audience laughs]
I stand up,
and I am now flexing harder. [laughs]
I thought I was gonna shit my swim trunks.
[audience laughing]
I go, "I think there was a reason."
"I don't think it was a positive reason."
"I don't think
you were looking at me thinking,
'Wow, Jared is looking fuckable today.'"
[audience laughs]
"'I gotta know what number
goes with that fuckable body
so that I have a new goal weight
for when I can start eating bread again.'"
[audience laughing]
So that's where the story lies.
I'll never forget what happened next.
That exact moment,
my mom comes out of the ocean
from peeing.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
And I knew she was peeing
'cause she was only wet up to here.
[audience laughing]
There's no one more obvious
of peeing in the ocean than my mom.
She'll put a toe in,
she'll be like, "I'm swimming."
I'll be like, "It's running down your leg,
get the fuck in the ocean."
"Come on, you're embarrassing the family."
"Yeah, you're washing
your hair tonight, let's go!"
When I pee in the ocean,
I'm an actor, I'm out there
[audience laughing]
You'd be like, "Is it warm?"
I'd be like, "It's the currents, baby."
A log of my own shit
could rise next to me,
and I'd be like,
"What are these fish eating?"
[audience laughing]
So
Someone asked me
to describe my mom once.
I can do it in one sentence.
Every time I got sent a Karen video,
I thought the next one would be her.
[audience laughs]
Even the titles would be like,
"Jewish woman yells
at Dunkin' Donuts employees."
I'd be like [exhales]
[audience laughing]
"All the facts are here."
[audience laughing]
I told her to stop going
into that Dunkin' Donuts.
I love when people laugh at that joke.
That's an admission.
If you were worried about your mom being
[audience laughs]
I think every mom is capable
of at least being a street-level Karen.
And all of us--
Were you watching your mom
when those videos were hot? Like
Oh, I was, like, protecting her.
[audience chuckles]
I'll never forget, it was like 2020,
those videos are hot,
and we're at a pool in Florida.
And I'm next to my brother
outside the pool.
My dad's on the other side of him.
Behind us, my mom's in a beach chair.
There's the pool.
Then beyond the pool, there's a bathroom.
This girl, like 12 years old,
goes in the bathroom.
She comes out five minutes later crying.
She runs to her mom
on the right side of the pool.
Behind her, an older woman
comes out screaming.
She goes,
"That girl wasn't wearing a mask!"
[scattered laughter]
Okay, a villain has been established.
[audience laughs]
The girl's mom, from across the pool--
I'm not making up an ounce of this story.
She yells,
"That girl just had her first period!"
[audience laughing and exclaiming]
This was the greatest day of my life.
[audience laughs]
I literally was hitting my brother,
going, "It's happening."
My dad turned to us.
He had a tear going down his cheek.
He goes, "This is gonna be a great trip."
[audience laughs]
Because we were getting
a live Karen show.
Two for the price of one.
Drinks in hand, al fresco.
You can't ask for better than this.
You know at the zoo,
the animals come out of their caves
and the zoo worker's like,
"You're very lucky, this never happens."
[audience laughs]
That's how I felt. I was warmed.
Wow, the worst day of this girl's life
is something we will talk about
for the rest of ours.
[audience laughs]
Weddings, bar mitzvahs, rainy days.
We can always look at each other and go,
"Remember Period Girl?"
[audience laughs]
I was so happy to share this
with the people I love the most.
When suddenly, my mom stands up
behind us and screams,
"Horrible!"
[audience laughing]
And she starts walking
to defend Period Girl.
She's going,
"Horrible, horrible, horrible!"
[audience laughing]
I chased her like a horse
that escaped our family farm.
I ran, I was like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy! Come on!"
-[clicking tongue]
-[audience laughing]
"Come on, I got Melba toast,
Temp Tee cream cheese."
"You like that for lunch."
[clicking tongue]
I turned her around. There was not--
She's going, "Horrible!"
I was like, "Do you want to be
Horrible Woman 1 in this production?"
"What, are you sprucing up
your IMDb page?"
"Get the fuck back there
and enjoy this family moment
watching that girl bleed out!"
[audience laughing]
So yeah, she can be a little difficult.
[audience laughs]
I want whoever I date
to get along with my mom.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]
I just watched this whole audience go
[audience laughing]
I've broken up with women
who don't get along with my mom.
That's a hard thing to admit
in front of a bunch of women
drinking white wine.
[audience laughing]
I don't like to admit it,
but I didn't do it frivolously.
Before I ended a relationship once,
I went to my friends that were all married
and I asked them,
"How does your wife
get along with your mom?"
They all got super political.
[audience laughs]
Every guy was like, "I'm just happy"
[audience laughs]
"everyone's healthy."
[audience laughs]
One guy reacted like
he was in an insane asylum.
Just kept going,
"It is what it is, it is what it is."
[audience laughing]
I'll never forget, my mom was fighting
with someone I was dating
and I was like,
"I'm gonna go fix it. I'll mediate."
And my friend was like,
"No, no, no, you're not fixing shit."
"Your wife and your mom,
girlfriend and mom, is like a storm."
"It either passes or it doesn't."
I said, "No, I can fix it."
And I went and tried to mediate,
and that guy was right.
[audience laughs]
It was like dealing with two angry cobras.
Like, they kept snapping at each other.
No regard for my mental health whatsoever.
[audience laughs]
And you can't reason with a cobra.
Like, I couldn't pull one cobra aside
and be like, "Chill, chill, chill!"
"Stop it, that cobra over there makes
the best mac and cheese you've ever had."
Right?
I couldn't go to the other cobra
and be like, "Enough, enough."
"That cobra licks asshole."
[audience laughing]
That's tough to find in a Jewish cobra.
[audience continues laughing]
I'll let you guys figure out
which cobra was which. I'm not gonna
[audience laughing]
So now I'm 39,
and I got to find someone
who gets along with my mom
and I want to fuck.
[audience laughs]
That's a tough combo.
That's very skinny
middle of the Venn diagram.
That happens as you get older and single,
your thirties, forties, fifties, sixties,
whatever you are,
the middle of your Venn diagram
is very skinny and specific, right?
It's very small, it's very specific,
and it turns you into a miserable dater.
Nice people show up for dates,
you know they're not
what you're looking for,
and you're just like, fuck this loser.
[audience laughs]
So I take breaks.
I take breaks from dating all the time.
I've been on dates with women
who should take a break.
[audience laughs]
I don't say that to be mean.
You can just tell right away.
I was on a date, I go,
"What was your last relationship like?"
She goes, "You want the real story?"
[audience laughing]
"Or do you want the cute story?"
I was like, "How about you make
the real story a little bit cute?"
[audience laughs]
I think that's your job on a first date,
make real stories cute.
Tell the truth, have some energy,
make it cute.
-[woman whoops]
-If you can't do that, take a break.
[audience laughs]
I'm not above it, I do it.
If I was on a date and a girl was like,
"What's your love language?"
And I was like,
"Head tickles and blow job"
[audience laughing]
That's a little too real.
[audience laughs]
The cute answer is acts of service
and physical touch.
[audience laughing]
[women whoop]
A little creative writing
goes a long way.
[audience laughs]
That's my problem, communication.
Comedian who can't communicate
in his relationship is like a
It's like a bad joke.
Like, I turn every argument into a joke.
That's my problem.
-I thought that was good communication.
-[audience laughs]
First we were fighting,
now we're laughing.
[audience laughing]
Lookit, all the women are like, "No."
[audience laughing]
I've learned that's just
changing the subject, I get it.
My last fight with my ex,
I'll never forget it.
It was before bed,
I was wearing mesh shorts, nothing else,
you're welcome for the visual.
[audience laughs]
And she was so angry,
and she was screaming at me.
And you guys know, I don't yell.
[audience laughing]
So I just wanted her to shut the fuck up.
I wanted to go to bed.
So she's screaming and I just look at her,
I go, "Well, that's what you think."
Boop!
[audience laughing]
And I booped her on the nose.
-[women exclaiming]
-[audience laughing]
The women are getting so mad. I
I'm the idiot in this story, I agree.
I go, "That's what you think." Boop!
And then I twirled around,
dropped my shorts, waddled away.
[audience laughing]
That was my big stupid ending
to our big stupid fight I thought I won.
As I'm waddling away
with my shorts on my ankles,
she yells after me,
"You have poop in your butt!"
[audience laughing]
And I reached back
and there was
a quarter-size clump of doo-doo.
[audience exclaims and laughs]
Thank you to the people laughing,
thank you.
The laughers, thank you.
Laughter is admission, thank you.
Could have been you, thank you.
Some of you are getting judgy, fuck you.
Especially the women, fuck off.
Every woman in here has tissue paper
in her vagina right fucking now.
[audience laughing]
And I've never said a word.
Every woman I've gone down on,
total mensch, never said a word.
[audience laughing]
You're judging me for shit in my ass?
That's where it should fucking be!
Every woman I have ever dated
has a CVS-aisle amount of debris
in their pussy.
I have found floss,
batteries, Elmer's glue.
Never said a word.
If a woman found tissue paper in my cock,
she wouldn't be like
She'd be like, "Who is she?!"
[audience laughing]
"We don't have three-ply!"
But I can-- You know, I can change,
I can make changes.
I can get wet wipes, I can get a bidet.
[audience laughs]
My mom is never going to change.
Your mom is never gonna change.
I've been trying to change my mom
my whole life.
I think every family has a messy one,
a lazy one, and a sensitive one.
I am the rare triple threat.
[audience laughing]
I'm a lazy, messy, sensitive piece of shit
with shit in my ass, apparently.
[audience laughs]
Call me lazy, call me messy,
those things are true, fine.
I hate when she accuses me
of being sensitive.
She always does it,
"You're sensitive, you're sensitive."
It's like, I didn't make myself sensitive.
You did that shit.
I didn't wake up
and decide to be a little bitch.
[audience laughing]
My mom made me sensitive,
there's no question.
My whole life she'd make this noise.
Maybe your mom does it too.
My whole life she'd go
[gasps sharply]
[audience laughing]
I hate that noise so much.
My whole life
[gasping sharply]
[audience laughing]
[gasping continues]
And that noise could mean
that a bug flew in the house
or that my dad was dead
on the kitchen floor.
She never changed the noise
based on the severity of the situation.
Never a, "Holy fucking shit," just
[gasping sharply]
It was like growing up
in a fallout shelter.
You didn't know what was real,
what was fake.
[gasping sharply]
9/11. [gasps sharply]
The caviar went bad. You had no idea.
[audience laughing]
It makes you a cynical 12-year-old.
You hear [gasps]
You're like, grandma better be dead.
I'm not missing Power Rangers
for this shit anymore!
[audience laughs]
They should put her
on the top of an ambulance, just
[gasping deeply]
[audience laughing]
She did it when I drove.
Are you out of your mind?
16 and a half, learning how to drive.
All of a sudden you hear [gasps]
you're like, "What the fuck?"
I'd look next to me, just a statue.
That was driving at 17.
[gasping]
I'm from New England, icy roads.
What if I swerved off?
I always thought,
what if I swerved off the road?
Hit a pedestrian,
They'd be like, "What happened?"
I'd be like, "Well, my mom
thought she saw a sale at Bloomingdale's."
[audience laughing]
"So I guess I'll just live
with this blood on my hands
the rest of my life now."
[audience laughs]
That's the thing, there's no free trip.
[audience laughing]
You're gonna pay! [laughs]
Ten percent of your soul,
and you don't know when it's coming.
You will have a moment with your family
every time you see 'em, where you're like,
"Why do I do this?
Why do I talk to these people?"
No cell phone bill is worth this.
[audience laughing]
We went for dinner once--
You never know when it's coming.
We went for Chinese food.
I only bring up Chinese food
'cause it was a place you sit or pick up.
It's my dad, my brother, my mom, and I.
And this guy walks in
to pick up his food,
and I'm not saying this to be mean,
he looked horrific.
[audience laughs]
You know how dad's dress to pick up food
and it's never appropriate?
[audience laughing]
My dad would put a sweatshirt on
that's disintegrating off his body.
Sweatpants, no underwear.
You're just staring at the shadow
of his balls.
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "Dad, put something on."
He'll put on a hat.
I'm like, "That's not"
"That's not the head
I need covered right now."
[audience laughs]
Dads dress like Gen Z women
to pick up food.
[audience laughing]
Just a walking hamper.
[audience laughs]
So that's to paint a picture.
So this guy walks in,
my mom goes, "Is that Ronnie?"
I go, "Let's not talk to Ronnie."
[audience laughs]
Immediately she goes, "Hey, Ronnie!"
Ronnie turns around,
he looks like
he's haunting the restaurant.
She goes, "How you been?"
He looks at us across a busy restaurant,
he goes, "Not well."
[audience laughing]
I don't know if you've ever had someone
tell you their life isn't going well
and then start strolling towards you.
[audience laughs, exclaims]
That is anxiety you have never felt.
He's coming at us
negative two miles per hour.
[audience laughing]
His balls swaying everywhere.
Half hour later
he gets to the table and he goes,
"Hey, Freids, I guess you haven't heard."
[audience laughs]
"My wife passed four months ago."
[women gasp]
Now, you guys, the way you just reacted,
that's a normal human reaction.
[audience laughs]
You're like me. When I hear
someone's wife passed four months ago--
You're probably like me.
I'm gonna say all the appropriate,
respectable things
and then I'm gonna do my best
to get the fuck out of that conversation.
[audience laughs]
Right? I'll be like, "Oh my God, Ronnie.
Rest in peace. Anything we can do"
"Ah! Uber is here"
[audience laughs]
My mom's the opposite.
She goes, "How did she die?"
[audience laughs]
At that point, I was signing up
to become an Uber driver.
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "Ronnie, airport pickup,
big money. You get it."
Ronnie looks at my whole family.
He didn't even flinch.
He goes, "She choked on food."
I laugh immediately.
[audience laughing]
It's too crazy.
Ten minutes ago, we're having spring rolls
and now Ronnie's wife is dead.
It's gotten crazy.
[audience laughs]
My mom looks at Ronnie and goes,
"What was she eating?"
[audience laughing]
My dad, brother, and I
were holding hands under the table,
praying to God that my mom would die too.
-We're like
-[audience laughing]
"Please let her choke on a wonton
so that this interaction will end."
[audience laughing]
Ronnie looks directly at my mom.
He goes, "Turkey burger,"
which is the funniest answer.
I didn't see it coming.
It's kind of ironic.
She's like, "I'm gonna be healthy tonight.
I'll get the--"
[audience laughing]
My mom looks at Ronnie and goes,
"I love turkey burgers."
[audience laughing]
She took the side of the murderer
[audience laughing]
to the victim's spouse's face.
She is team turkey burger
in a way I am team nothing
in my entire life.
At that point, I'd had enough.
I go, "Enough, enough, enough,
enough, enough, enough."
She goes, "Stop it, Jared!"
"Get in with Ronnie. Take a picture."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and whooping]
I make a lot of jokes about my mom,
but she is necessary.
[audience laughs]
Everyone in this room wanted to know
what Ronnie's wife was eating.
[audience laughs]
All of you, but most of you are like me,
you don't have the balls to ask.
You need someone like that,
especially when you vacation
at the beach.
When we go to the beach,
my mom gets there at three in the morning
[audience laughs]
to save the chairs.
-[scattered laughter]
-[chuckles]
Every family has a chair saver.
-[woman whoops]
-Right.
And if you've met one chair saver,
you have met every chair saver.
Same personality.
I can see, you're looking
at your chair saver right now.
I can see you thinking it, right?
Most people call that person "cunt."
[audience laughs]
'Cause they do a cunty thing.
They take a basket of clothing and trash
and they sprinkle it on all the chairs
they want to save.
And it's not obvious.
It's not a "reserved" sign.
It's more like a riddle or a clue.
My mom will put a single sock
[audience laughing]
Dasani water bottle,
towel, towel, towel, towel,
winter coat, mittens, carrot,
and then she'll leave.
If you got to the beach after my mom,
you'd be like, "Did a snowman melt here?"
She's passionate. One time, at breakfast,
I go, "Mom, we have chairs at the beach?"
She goes, "Jared!"
[audience laughs]
"Everything the light touches is mine."
[audience laughing]
And to some people,
that energy is uncomfortable.
But to me, that's all I know.
That's kind of
what I'm looking for in my life.
I was dating this girl,
we went to the beach.
We got there at 9:00 a.m.
and there were no chairs.
And I remember thinking to myself,
what am I doing with this loser?
[audience laughs]
She was going up to families,
asking for chairs.
I was embarrassed.
Finally, she looked at me.
She goes, "I just don't understand."
"Who would wake up this early
on their vacation?"
I said, "A good mother would!"
[audience laughing]
So
So my mom comes out of the ocean
from peeing, ombr.
And she's like, "What's going on?"
And my dad, from across the beach goes,
"I just wanna know how much Jared weighs!"
[audience laughs]
My mom then takes it
from a five to a 5,000.
From across the beach, she screams,
"You know he's sensitive!"
[audience laughing]
This is the moment my family
became the garbage family at the beach.
Women were rising
like meerkats on the Sahara.
[audience laughs]
And everyone around us
was talking about me and my body.
A mom in this direction goes,
"The chubby one
is sensitive about his body."
"We should fix him up with Jessica.
She's sensitive to milk."
A dad in this direction
had a tear going down his cheek.
He goes, "This is gonna be a great trip."
[audience laughs]
An older man who's a family friend
comes out of nowhere.
He looks at me, he goes, "Let me see.
I'm 230, you can't be more than me."
[audience laughs]
My mom looks at this guy, she goes,
"He gets drunk, and eats when he's drunk."
[audience laughing]
My dad looks at him and goes,
"He's just so thick!"
And I look at my dad,
I go, "That was the thought!"
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
"You were looking at me in the beach chair
thinking, 'Wow, look how thick Jared is.'"
"'I wonder how much
the thickness weighs.'"
"And I told you,
that's not a positive thought."
He goes, "Thick isn't negative."
I was like, "You're not a rapper."
[audience laughs]
I don't think your friends are like,
"How's Jared doing?"
You're like, "Ooh!"
[audience laughs]
"We got a thick boy on our hands."
"You got to see this fat ass,
it should be on TikTok."
[audience laughing]
He goes, "I wanna know what you weigh."
I go, "217, drop it. 217, drop it!"
My brother was next to him the whole time.
My brother goes, "It's more than that."
[audience laughing]
But you should try these Rob Lowe cookies.
They're pretty good.
-I'm Jared Freid. Thank you, Tarrytown.
-[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you, Tarrytown.
Appreciate y'all.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
[cheering and applauding continues]
[funk music playing]
You there, come on!
[Mom] Oh no. Are you taping us right now?
-[Jared] Why would I be taping you?
-[Mom] You did it before.
[Jared] No, I'm not taping.
-What happened to your tooth?
-[Mom] Don't ask.
-[Jared] You lost a tooth?
-[Mom] No, it was extracted.
[Jared] What do you mean?
I thought I was going for a root canal,
and they couldn't save the crown,
and I had a deep cavity in the eye tooth.
It was a mess.
And they have to do an implant.
So you came here toothless?
We're going to take pictures.
Until Monday.
Well, I can keep my mouth shut.
Do you usually smile?
No, he closes his eyes anyway.
[Jared laughs]
-Let's worry about you, huh?
-I'm okay.
[Mom] Who out of the big wigs
are going to be here?
-Well, just my manager.
-[Mom] Managers?
And some of the agents will be there.
And what about-- Do you have makeup?
-Makeup, hair.
-Should've invited Jimmy Fallon.
-I should've invited Jimmy Fallon.
-Come on.
-Jimmy, come on down.
-Oh, you should have.
He would've loved it.
Well, you think I'll text him?
If you texted him--
I don't have his number.
Why would you think I have it?
I don't know.
[cell phone ringing]
That's the loudest ring.
Do I have anything in my teeth?
Dad doesn't have teeth,
so you don't have to worry!
-You had to do it. You had to do it.
-That's a shower.
-You look like a hillbilly.
-Kim.
[Mom] Are you ready?
[Jared] As ready as I'm ever gonna be.
-That's right. Get the show on the road.
-You've been practicing for over a year.
-Yeah, we've done this already.
-But make sure you take it slow.
-I have this. [laughs]
-[belches] Excuse me.
[funk music continues]
Come on
Ow!
[music fades]