Jason Byrne: Audience Precipitation (2022) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen,
will you please finally
welcome to the stage,
Mr Jason Byrne!
Oh, finally!
Good to see you all.
First of all, big apologies
If I can just fix that, bing!
So, first of all, let's
just get this all straightened.
So 2020... 2019 since
I've last seen you.
So 2020, the world went to shit
and we had to cancel all the gigs
and reschedule them,
and then my heart blew up,
so we had to reschedule
all the dates again.
And now we're here on a Thursday
the following fucking year, right?
So thanks a million for staying
and waiting, and waiting and coping
until the final gig
of the British tour.
So give yourself a round of
applause for that!
Now... We are recording this, right?
It's going to be fucking mad, we're
actually going to have it on record
what happens in this room.
So I don't know...
So who's been here before
with a cheer?
Who's never been here?
This poor couple at the front!
Oh, my God. You have no idea.
You have no...
They brought you without explaining
to you who these are.
So, people who are watching
this will wonder, like, "Oh, my
you know, Jason, I do know
my audience quite a lot.
So this fella in the front here, OK,
he's a bus driver, right?
Does anybody remember
what number bus?
Number six.
Six, twelve, five.
That's the crowd I have.
No memory at all.
Twelve! Six! Five!
I don't know! I can't remember!
- What number is it?
- I've upgraded.
You've upgraded? He's upgraded!
And don't worry, because actually,
you know, the last gig I did here
somebody was at this gig
and they'd never been here before,
and they just went, "Oh,
it was like being at a reunion.
"I don't know what the fuck
was going on at that gig."
So what was your name again?
Greg, yeah, Greg.
How did you get upgraded?
Because what was the number
that you used to do?
49, it was.
It was the 49, mostly.
Nobody got that right.
So what are you upgraded to?
- A coach.
- A coach?
Oh, my God. We're so proud of you.
That's brilliant.
This is amazing because,
you know, people here, you know,
we are all thinking he can actually
just bring us privately
around the place now.
So they're all like, fucking,
obviously bus drivers
and all that shit, right?
And then there's a posh kid
who's now a man, I assume.
Is he still here?
Where is he?
Oh, fuck he's...
Oh, my God.
Can you get a shot at that?
Is that... Is he not here?
That's a cut...
What the fuck am I looking at?
Youse can't see it up there.
OK, OK. I cannot believe
we're recording this.
This is...
So the rest of the venues I gig
in will realise where I have to go
when I leave them.
The normal audience.
Who the fuck does that in a venue?
And has its own lighting?
He's got his own lighting!
That's got nothing to do
with the cameras.
I know you're thinking,
"Oh, Jason must've..."
I didn't do that!
They've done that!
They've gone off and printed
off that fucking man.
So what's the... Where is he?
Oh, my God. He couldn't make it.
He's been waiting for a year.
How old is he now?
And how old was he when
he started here?
He saw you in
Edinburgh when you started.
Fucking hell.
Imagine just, fucking...
He's completely messed up
in university
from listening to this fucking
mad shit for all his life.
His parents going, "We're gonna
go to the gig."
"No, not again."
"Well, then we're going to make
a cardboard cut out of you!
"We'll make sure you're there!"
- So is that what he looks like now?
- Yeah!
Holy fuck!
We'll show you at the top there,
I'll get it after the break
and I'll put him up here
so you can see what
they fucking did.
This is fucking mad.
Look, obviously, as well...
I wasn't able to come here because
I had a heart operation, right?
So I had five stents.
That's what happened to me, OK?
Has anybody here had any stents?
Oh, just the lads, well done.
It's always the lads.
Well done, the women not having
Fuck that, I don't
need fucking stents! Fucking Jesus.
I'll just clear up my own veins!
There we go. Now, back to
work, you moany bastard.
You and your fucking stents!
So who had stents over here?
Oh, well done.
- How many stents do you have?
- Just the one.
Yeah. One? You fucking...
I've had five!
I was on a
cruise at the time,
when I had my heart attack.
Now, I don't know if everybody heard
what he said. What is your name?
Andy said... Because, as well...
Look, the cameras are rolling
and people are watching me.
That's what happens here.
People don't answer questions.
They give me fucking monologues.
Well, let me tell you this.
And this is what happened
to me with my stent.
Fourscore and two year ago...
..I was on a cruise
with the wife, had a heart attack.
Had a heart attack on a fucking
You know, it's so funny the way
you're so like the Irish
because you add in shit that
there's no need for.
And the bit he added was, "I had
a heart attack on a cruise,"
which is fair enough.
But then he said, "In the middle
of the sea." Where the fuck else?
In a car park?
Fucking, in the ASDA car
park on a big cruise.
What happened?
I don't know. I took a
wrong turn!
I had my heart attack in a car park
on a cruise...
..in the fucking sea!
You know you don't need to do that!
Why do you do that?
I was on a boat in the sea.
In the water.
So look, he's had a heart
attack and he had a stent.
What's really hard, as well,
is that when you get stents,
they go in up your wrist,
you just get a little dot.
So, like, normally like when
open heart surgery,
they cut open your sternum and
rip open your ribs,
and you're fucking
in bits for months, right?
But when you get stents, nobody
gives a shit afterwards.
Because all you have is a dot there.
So like I should be wheeled out
here on a gurney with drips
and fucking nurses
and doctors going,
"I don't think he can do this gig.
He's only had heart surgery."
But because you can't see
the fucking scars,
you couldn't give a shit!
And you're going,
"Ah, nah, it's all right.
"Come on, jump around,
you be all right."
But he had a heart attack and, so...
Did you... Well... Are you OK...
Well, you are OK.
You're not dead, I mean...
So did they have to fly
you off the ship?
In a helicopter in the air?
Sorry. Fucking smart arse.
Sorry. Sorry, love. Sorry.
So what happened, then, to you?
Do you what's brilliant?
He's obviously with his wife
and she's going, "That's enough.
"We don't need to hear all
this fucking shite again."
He does!
He needs to fucking know!
We're fucking stent brothers!
Do you feel better now,
though? -I did!
What the fuck does that mean?
You did feel better
when they fixed you?
- Yeah.
- And now you feel?
Why, do you feel sick again?
I'm about to go to have
another heart attack
because you're ripping the shit out
of me!
Oh, my God, I mean...
Oh, another thing, by the way,
just, people who are watching this.
They tend to clap themselves
quite a lot.
Well done, Andy! You bastard.
We're not ripping the shit
out yet, Andy.
I'm just being a, you know, a stent
brother trying to help you.
So well done. That's great.
How long did you get off work
after your stent?
Three months.
Three months? Fucking hell.
I had four weeks.
And I had to go back to this.
You got... Do you work for yourself?
Fucking, right. You don't.
Coming in, one stent.
I'm not gonna be
better now for a long time.
Andy's had heart surgery.
Oh, where'd you have heart surgery?
In a hospital with
doctors and nurses.
In a building with windows.
And there was air
all around the outside.
There was clouds in the sky
and the sun.
So you're all there, he's there.
It's the fucking...
What? The Billy the punk
was up there.
And then we had a couple that used to
come here as well, I don't know if
you remember, a couple that were
trying to get up out of here
but before the show ended,
and I stopped them,
because they're trying to get a bus
and then I made another couple
bring them home.
And they were apparently their
Are they here?
That's all right.
We'll cut that bit out.
And then, is the dressing
gown family here?
Where's the dressing gown family?
We are here!
"We are here!"
Because this is another
thing I said, right?
Fucking hell, I said one year,
"These people are so fucking mad.
"It's like gigging in a home.
"We should all arrive here
in dressing gowns."
And they fucking did.
Shuffled in.
So, what's that man's name?
You're the one with the caravan,
aren't you?
I didn't have
a caravan.
Who had the caravan
with the dressing gown?
I don't know.
Not me!
But is it not your wife that gave us
a dressing gown?No.
Was there not a woman that gave
us a dressing gown?
So who the fuck are you?
He's a total impostor!
I'll give you
a dressing gown!
So you didn't give us
a dressing gown?
We were the ones
that were leaving.
Fucking hell. Sorry, everybody.
Fucking hell. You took half a year
to fucking join in there.
Where are the people who went home
in the car? Where are they?
And the dressing gown people,
where are they?
Are you the dressing gown man? "No...
"I'm the man in the car..."
Fucking hell, if there's a fire...
You should leave now!
Oh, yeah, I never told you...
Where's the fucking...
So, basically, what happened
was, right...
I got loads of... Because I had
to put up a post
about me being sick in
hospital and all that,
because I had to cancel the gigs.
So there was, like, no other
way around it, right?
And so when I put up the post
of me, Jason's stent in,
Jason's stent in that one, right?
And I got loads of well-wishes
from all over the world.
And it was lovely, right?
And so I'm going to read out
just a couple of texts
that went in on Facebook
and show you the difference
of all the well-wishes until they
get to the Irish well-wishing,
which is a different type
of style of well-wishing.
So here's one here from England,
first of all, and it says,
"Sending positive vibes for a speedy
recovery, Jason."
Which is lovely.
Well done. That's cool.
Then this one. Oh, this is from...
Oh, yeah, this is Scottish.
"Are delighted to hear you're OK.
Keep the ticker healthy."
You can see these are not...
I haven't written these.
Oh, this is from Australia.
And Sharon says,
"Speedy recovery, Jason.
"Sending love and healing vibes
from Western Australia."
Fucking lovely, right?
And then here's the Irish one.
You can't really see it.
It's a little bit longer,
a bit more of a monologue.
And here's...
This is what Eileen says.
She says, "Glad
you're on the mend, Jason.
"My husband had four stents
put in last December
"and it knocked him for six.
"He was very tired afterwards.
"Sadly he was also diagnosed
with brain tumours in April
"and passed away two weeks ago."
And then she says, "Best of luck."
That's real!
Isn't it weird?
Because that's Irish
misery in there, isn't it?
So are there any Irish people here?
Northern Irish.
That's a bit different.
And which part of
Northern Ireland from?
Fucking noisy, bingy Bangor.
Fucking, well done, Bangor!
Fucking Bangor!
And do you live here now?
I live in Wigan.
Look at the fucking audience. "Ooh...
"We're not too sure what to do
with that."
Is that posh?
Oh, my God. Even the women did a deep
voice there.
That was like the
stoning in fucking Life of Brian!
Is there any women here?
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no. Fucking no. Fucking Wigan.
Is it not nice? Is it not nice,
though? Do you ever drive your bus...
Wrong side
of t'Pennines!It's what?
Wrong side
of t'Pennines!
What the fuck's happening?
Wrong side of t'Pennines!
Where's the rest of the
fucking words in that sentence?
It's like you had a
couple and you went,
"Ah, I won't bother putting it in."
"Wrong side of t'Pennines!"
Wrong side of the Pennines?
Is that what you mean?
Yes.Why is that...
What the fuck?
Because Lancashire and Yorkshire...
Because Lancashire is shit!
I've always said that
when I come here,
it stops being a gig
and becomes a village meeting,
doesn't it?
That's, the stuff we solve
in this room, it's amazing.
"Lancashire's shit.
"Well, it's on the wrong side
of the Pennines!"
So what's the right side
of the Pennines?
Fucking hell!
"Here, you fucking idiot!
"We're the right side
of fucking everything!"
D'you know, my heart surgeon
said, "No stress.
"You can gig, but no stress."
What a room to walk into.
Fucking hell.
It's, like, full of stress.
"Fucking wrong side o' Pennines!
"Fucking Lancashire's shite!
Fucking shite!"
"I drive a coach." "He could've
fucking brought US here."
"D'you live where he lives?"
"How are you, Andy?" "I'm not well.
"I had a heart attack fucking years
ago on a fucking ship in the sea.
"I'm not feeling well now because
you're talking to me about..."
Fuck off!
"Where's your son?"
"We've a cardboard cut out.
"We bring him everywhere."
They'll probably set him up
on a date when he's in college.
Some girl on a blind date,
"Is your son here?"
"He's on the couch."
There's a cardboard cut-out and
we're all going, "What the fuck?!"
You're fucking...
His uncle will just cut out a bit
and hides behind and just goes...
Sorry. It was very tempting. Sorry.
So look, listen, those text
messages I got, right?
OK. As I said, from Ireland,
is because you see, look,
it's very hard to explain,
but Irish people were brought up
with misery in our arse.
That's how it's, fucking,
that's what we do.
Because when we're born,
we're sinners.
It's, like, straight away.
It's just, like,
fucking welcome to the world,
ya sinning bastard! Right?
The Catholic religion, because it's
very different to your religion,
the fucking because I know
a lot of youse are Protestants
and that's OK. And you have
a chance to change over
and go to the right heaven. But...
..for the moment, you're in
the wrong bit. But that's OK.
And it is, it's very fucking
different because, like,
when you go into
a Protestant church,
oh, my God, the fucking,
I don't know, what the fuck
goes on there?
Like, you know what I mean?
Especially your big abbeys and all
with the choir
all facing the wrong way.
Why are they all in here,
in this aisle, all singing sideways?
What has that been for?
And there's an altar up here
and you fuckers, just in case,
you've got five more altars
around the church.
There's another one
and another one and another one,
"Just in case God didn't hear us.
In case God didn't hear us.
"There's another one.
There's another one."
In the Catholic Church,
we have organs. Right?
They're just little fucking,
like this...
Because we're guilty as fuck
and Jesus doesn't want us
enjoying ourselves. So, like...
Youse, with your fucking pipes
hanging out of fucking everything,
literally one note.
Fucking best religion in the...
So it's very hard being a Catholic.
We're fucking guilty all the time.
I don't know if you've ever
been in a Catholic church.
We've got the Jesus
hanging on the wall
with the blood, fucking thorns,
nails in his wrist.
He's fucking miserable.
Fucking thing in his rib, big spear
and the priest is in front
looking at all of us going,
"You, ya sinning shitheads,
everybody is a sinning bastard!
"It's all your fault.
"The reason he's up there
is because of all of you.
"You need to change your lives,
ya filthy fuckers.
"Change your fucking lives
and live differently.
"Live fucking differently.
"Fiddly, fiddly, fiddly,
fiddly, fiddly...
fiddle-diddle, dee-dee.
"Sinning bastards! Bastards!
"Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle.
"Having a little fiddley-dee, having
a fiddle, fiddle.
"Oh, my God. I'm dead."
Oh, yeah. No, here was
the thing I did, right?
Oh, yeah. My God. I got the...
So, I got vaccinated, everybody.
Hurray. Right?
I know. Oh, no, and today
you don't have to wear
masks anymore. Is that right?
There's a couple of people wearing
masks here, but fair play to you.
That's good. Good to keep that going.
That's, doesn't matter.
Did you have to wear one on the
coach, though? When you were driving
..as I was
driving it.You what?
You couldn't wear it...
While I was driving.
..while you were driving?
You know it goes round your mouth?
Imagine all youse getting on the bus
and he's got the fucking thing...
"Welcome aboard!
"Sail, saily wind in your eyes!
"All aboard now,
saily wind in your eyes.
"I can't fucking drive
in this bloody mask."
Why, you know, why could you not
drive in the mask?
Because every time I breathed...
Because every time you breathed...
..your glasses fucking fog up?
Imagine if you were
just driving along -
"OK, I'm OK now."
"I'm fucking passing out!"
So I got the vaccine, right?
OK? I got the Pfizer vaccine.
And what I did was after
I got the vaccine,
I went outside the vaccine centre.
You know what I mean?
I took a picture of myself
and I posted it up on Facebook
and I went, "Oh, my God,
I'm so happy"
because, you know, I couldn't work.
We just couldn't work,
couldn't get back into venues.
So I posted it, threw it out there
and I just fucking thought
everybody would be happy,
but oh, my God, the minute I posted
it, all the fruit loops arrived.
Every fruit loop in the world, just,
"Fucking God. I can't believe
you're promoting this,
you absolute shithead! Ah!"
Right? But I had to
get back to work.
So actually one guy, he wrote this,
like, I've actually got it here.
The minute I post it up,
he's seen the picture about Pfizer
and he put this up, right?
And he wrote... "Oh, no, not that."
And he wrote...
Right? And then he wrote...
Right? And then he goes...
The idiot. Right?
So, like, I was just thinking,
"Oh, yeah, Pfizer are really stuck.
"They must have been in a warehouse
somewhere in America, going,
"Oh, my God.
We've made too much stuff.
""What the fuck are we gonna
do with all this?
""I know. Ring up Robert De Niro.
He's famous.
""He'll promote it for us."
Then some guy must've
just walked in behind him and went,
"No. I know a fella from Dublin.
"He has a few followers,
and I think we should get him."
But the real heroes in this, right?
I personally think it's
the older people -
and I now call older people,
like, not elderly,
but people who've
been around for ages.
They're the best craic. Right?
And so, they like that because when
they call them old and elderly,
they don't like that. Like, they
feel kind of withery and shit.
Right? So if you say,
"OK, I'll call you
somebody who's been
around for ages,"
They go, "Yes, I like that.
That's nice.
"I've been around for ages."
And they... Did you notice
the old people,
they did not moan
about the vaccine once?
Not one of them.
I didn't hear any of them moan.
The minute they said,
"You've gotta go for the vaccine,"
they went, "Yeah, no problem. Stick
it in me eye, stick it in me arse.
"In my fucking shoulder. Couldn't
give a shit. I've been through
millions of recessions,
I've seen mad shit. "Just fucking
come on. Stick, stick, stick, stick,
And the reason why they
didn't give a shit is because
they're the very people, roughly
around my mum and dad's age
and, like, in their 70s and 80s now,
and they're the actual people
that sent most of us here to school
in the 80s where we got vaccines
that had no parent consent forms.
D'you remember that?
Like, nobody fucking knew we
were getting stuck at the school.
We were sitting in the classroom
and the teacher would just go,
"OK, everybody up.
Strip down to your underpants
and go down to the gym."
We're just all walking down the line
in our underpants, going...
"What the hell is happening?"
Remember, we'd all just
queue up in the gym,
just children standing there
in your underpants!
And some doctor would come along and
just be feeling your head,
looking for nits
and your fucking back
and moving your arm to see
if it fucking works.
Your parents didn't have
a fucking clue.
And then this mad bitch nurse
came along with a huge syringe.
And not loads of syringes.
She'd refill the fucking thing.
Just sticking all the kids, going,
"There you go. There you go.
There you go.
"There you go." Fucking hell!
You'd go home that night, you be
in the corner of the fucking house.
Your mum's going,
"Are you all right?"
"We got something
injected in us today.
"Can you call an ambulance, Mum?"
"Not at all.
I won't be calling any ambulance.
"Here's some flat lemonade
for you instead.
"There's no fizz in that.
"And you sip on that
and you'll be OK."
"I can't see, Mam."
"You're not listening to me.
"I've taken the fizz
out of the lemonade.
"So you sip on that and we'll
see you in the morning."
And there's young people here that
won't even know this either, right?
All the young people here, right?
D'you remember the other vaccine
that was in a fucking sugar lump?!
You'd be in school lining up
in our underpants again,
a nurse just going,
You'd just fucking go,
"What the fuck is this?!"
They'd go, "Just suck it.
Suck it down. Suck it down!"
I think that might've been,
was it the polio?
- Polio, was that what it was?
- Yes.
Look at the younger.
Look, there's young girls there.
Are you, like, in your 20s, girls?
No.How old are
youse? Like, in the what? Younger?
I'm 37.You're thirty-fucking-seven?
I don't know if everybody's seen it,
but they're 37 in their rapper hats.
This is brilliant.
The two of youse looking like
a pair of...
# Yo, bitches
With the fucking and the yo... #
You do that, though. At 37, you...
You know what you do?
You grip onto your youth
and don't let it go.
That's what you're doing.
Your youth is
screaming to leave you.
It's going, "Will you fuck off now?
You're 37!"
# Yo, fuck you and the bitch
and the yo and the bitch... #
# You're staying, you're staying,
you're going nowhere... #
"Fucking come on! Just put,
will you take the hat off?
"You look fucking 12!"
Well done.
Youse enjoy yourself.
Can't believe I said that. Is there
anybody here in their 20s, even?
Are you in your 20s?
Fuck off.
Have you been coming here
since you were eight or something?
Who else is in their 20s?
Fuck off.
I know that's a lie.
How old are you? 21, then?
I love it, that woman.
"Woo-oo...oh, shit."
And are youse from Huddersfield?
# The rappers and the yos
and the bitch and the... #
Who's that down the end there?
She looks...That's her mum.
That's her mum? Well done.
Did you bring the girls out?
Pardon?Did you bring
the girls out, Mammy?
Yeah.Well done.
Did you drive them here?
No.No. Who's driving?
My brother at the back.
Your brother's at the back?
Fuck. Doesn't even want to be here.
"I don't mind giving them a lift,
but it's the fucking music
they play in the car."
# Yo, bro, put on the bitch and the
mother and the fuck and the yo... #
You're 37.
# We don't care what the yo
and the bitch and the yo
# Put the fuck up on the mother
and the fucker... #
Where's the brother?
Where is he?
"Here, at back."
Are you the older brother?
You're what?
"I'm their dad"?
Do you see what I mean?
See what happens?
There's just magic in this room
all the time.
So, the two girls there,
and especially the girl who was
brought here by her mum,
you don't know this - this was
actually organised
for a different reason.
Your mother wants to tell you
that your brother is your father.
Do you know what? Do you know what I
reckon actually happened back there?
I reckon that's not your brother
that shouted out.
It's just some man just thinks
I pointed at him,
and his wife was fucking doing
something else on her phone
and wasn't controlling him.
That's what happened.
And that's why...
I've spoken about that before,
when a man is on the loose
on his own.
Someone pointed at him
and he just went, "I'm their dad."
So the fellow who said he said
he's your dad...
Are you there, Dad?It's my dad.
It's your dad?Not mine.
And that's your mum?
But where's your brother?
He's next to your fucking dad.
I never asked where
your fucking dad was.
That is fucking brilliant.
Where's your brother?
"I'm his dad."
Whose dad? "The brother."
So, did you drive, Dad?
So it's the poor brother that's
driven the whole fucking family...?
Yous in the back with your...
# Bitching and the yo
when the fuck... #
And your mother squished
in the middle.
Yo, Mum, cheer up, bitch! Yo!
# Bitching and the yo
with the fuck...
# And the fucking and the yo... #
Fucking kill me, somebody. Kill me.
"I'm your father. I'm your fucking
father. That's who I am.
"I'm in the front. I'm your dad.
"I'm your fucking dad in the front."
# Yo, with the bitch and
the fucking and the bitch... #
That's it, man. Click your fucking
fingers and enjoy yourself!
# Yo, with the bitch and
the fucking and the bitch... #
That's it.
# Yo, with the bitch and the fucking
and the bitch... #
# Yo, with the bitch
and fucking and the bitch... #
Fucking hell,
I'm on so much medication.
I'm on four different tablets.
It's mad, isn't it, Andy?
How many tablets are you on now?
Fucking mental, isn't it?
You get a bit wacky Jack, don't you?
All the thin blood.
# Ohhhh! #
Oh, my God. OK.
So, basically the older people
that I was talking about,
or people who've been around
for ages... Oh, my God.
And I'm one of the heroes
of it was my auntie. Ah, Jesus.
She went to get the vaccine
and I met her afterwards.
I said, "How are you?" And she goes,
"Oh, I had such a laugh.
"I had such a laugh,
I had such a laugh."
Like all of us, when you get the
vaccine, we're going, "How are you?"
"My arm is very sore. I might have
to stay in bed for four days."
But that's where the fucking needle
goes, you mad prick.
So, basically, my mad auntie, she...
She said she had such a laugh.
I said, "Why did you have a laugh?"
And she goes, "Well, once I got
vaccinated, the fella said to me
"that I might get a few
and I had to turn around to him and
say, "I'm 88 years of age, love.
"Nothing works inside me
any more.
"I'm not going to notice
any side-effects."
But then she said to him,
"I haven't felt myself have a shit
for 12 years."
The poor fella.
"Oh, really? OK."
That's why old people
are so much fun.
They say whatever the fuck
they want, they don't care.
And like, in the lockdown, cos in
Ireland we kind of had to...
It was different to you. I think
you had to stay within kind of
your village or something -
is that what the rules were?
Is that where you had to stay?
In lockdown?
You can't remember.
You can't remember. Well done.
Isn't that amazing?
So, anybody young here who wants
to get married, that's what happens.
That's what happens. It's not
that he's losing his memory,
he just doesn't give a fuck
any more.
And that's his wife's job
now to remember.
And that's why you shouldn't ask
the man any questions at all.
Were yous in lockdown together?
I mean, you are married?
I'm just assuming that. Yes?
Yes.Only just.
Only just? Both of them said
that at the same time.
How many years are you married?
Not quite a year yet.
That's nice.
Half the room confused.
Not quite a year yet.
And you said, "Only just."
Do you mean you're only
just married?
I thought you meant
you fucking weren't lasting.
That's what most of us here heard.
"Only just."
"That's right. Just about hanging
in. Fucking moany bastard.
"Fucker doesn't know where he is.
"I have to fucking remember
everything, the dickhead."
But you meant in a lovely way.
"We're only just married."
So where I lived in Ireland, right,
I'm going to fucking finish
this story if it kills me...
In Ireland... OK. And in
the small village where I live.
And this was like something
out of Father Ted.
I went up to the shop in lockdown
to get bread because
we couldn't do it.
Went up to get bread
and I went into the shop
and the shopkeeper
came straight up to me, went,
"Jason, come here.
I have to tell you something."
I went, "What?" And he says,
"Now, I shouldn't tell you..."
Now, when you hear
Irish people saying that,
they're going to fucking
tell you, right?
And I go, "What?"
And he goes, "You know Margaret?
"Little old lady Margaret?
Like, she's well in her 80s?"
I went, "Yeah."
He says, "She came in here
the other day for a mass card."
Now, again... Oh, yeah.
The Protestants might not know
what a mass card is.
In Catholic religion, when someone
in your family dies, people give you
a mass card to remind you about the
person who's dead in case you forget
that they fucking died.
And then loads of people queue up
and they keep giving you cards
the fucking...for the whole day.
"Yeah, they're dead.
Don't forget they're dead.
"There's a card saying they're
dead. They're definitely dead.
"Their name is inside,
in case you forgot who's dead.
"Oh, sorry. Here's Mary."
"Oh, hello. There's another card
there. They're dead.
"Did you know they're dead?
They're still dead.
All right, so that's what
happens with the mass cards.
Margaret was in the shop asking
the shopkeeper for a mass card.
And then, of course,
the shopkeeper, being nosey,
he turned around to Margaret
and he just said,
"Oh, who's it for, Margaret?"
"And Margaret said,
"Oh, it's for Mrs Murphy."
And I swear, just like something
from Father Ted,
he went, "Mrs Murphy's not dead,
And Margaret went, "I know,
but she doesn't have long left."
And she said - this is true...
"And with the lockdowns,
I don't get out much.
"So I thought I'd pop it
in her letterbox now."
And apparently she walked out
of the shop, up the road,
put the mass card into
Mrs Murphy's bloody door!
That's nearly two years ago.
And Mrs Murphy still alive now.
Look, ladies and gentlemen,
let's have a break now.
Go and have a drink. I'll see you
all back here in about 10 or 15.
Go, go, go!
Hi, I'm Jason Byrne and welcome
to my dressing room,
the very cave that I like to
basically get ready to go on stage.
People always wonder, "What do
you do before you go on stage?"
I insist on wearing no shirt,
because that helps me
breathe better.
And I did have a heart problem,
so I am now on loads of old man
tablets in a sandwich bag.
That's how much cash I make.
As you can see, I am
all prepared for the show.
Here I have different notes along
the table, some fruit, some grapes,
hairspray, and some spare runners
just in case -
or trainers if you're British.
Apples and...
Oh, yeah, see that now? I just
tripped over the Docs there,
so they're very good.
The Docs are quite good.
They're like the deep-sea diver
that needs to walk along the bottom
of the water. I wear the Docs
to keep me grounded on stage in case
I float off into the venue.
Here we have a heart watch. This
heart watch is very, very handy
as well, because when you do a shit,
beforehand, your pulse is very low
and then afterwards
it's much higher.
So I know what happened to Elvis
when he was having a poo.
If anybody wants to do it, I just
pop one of these heart watches on
and you'll work out roughly what
the heart rate was of Elvis
available when he was doing a poo.
Many stuff...
I've got Bob Mortimer's book here.
That's... I insist on that.
It's all about him having a heart
attack, which is very, very funny.
This whole room was completely bare
before I came into it, but I insist
on the sink. So they fitted
a sink today.
You can see that the toilet
is brand-new.
That will probably be
taken out tomorrow
when John Bishop or Jason Manford
come here
or some kind of annoying act.
We have all this here and...
Luke, he's my tour manager,
you know, he's not fully paid,
so he doesn't have to look after me
all the time.
So that's pretty, pretty tough.
Luke, do you want a cup of coffee,
Can I get a latte?
A latte? Yeah.
OK, I'll do that.
You just hang on there,
so I'll see yous later.
I got to go outside now and get Luke
a latte, so no problem at all.
What time am I on stage?
Later.Later. OK. Brilliant.
I'll be on later.
We actually pay him. OK.
Welcome back.
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ!
How the fuck did that
get there, now?
That is... My God,
that's terrifying.
That's even more creepy
than I thought it was up there.
So that's it?
That's some footballer
and then his head is glued
on top of the footballer?
Who the fuck...?
Is that Leeds, is it? I can't see.
Oh, Jesus.
It's all right.
It's just a picture.
"Get that off the fucking stage
So that's him there? Oh, my God.
That's brilliant.
Does he play football?
I can't...
I can't keep this up.
I can't.
It's fucking tough enough
having to introduce yourself
on your own fucking DVD
fucking recorder
or whatever the hell it is
behind a curtain... Fucking...
That's me going, "Bet you can't wait
to come back and see me talking
"about me fucking self."
Then I come back out here, try
and settle into the second half,
and this creepy fucking thing is
lying on me fucking set list.
And he's stuck onto a footballer
who doesn't even play football.
Oh, he loved football.
Did he? No.
You what?
He's stuck on his fucking uncle?
That is genius!
He's not stuck on any footballer.
He's stuck on his uncle.
Cos he loves his uncle.
Hates football, loves his...
Is that his uncle, really?
Look. Everybody's dying...
"If you peel his face off...
"..his uncle is underneath, Jason."
It's a special prize.
I won't break him, will I?
Oh, my God. Is he just...?
What is he? Like, just glued on?
My God.
Oh, my God. Right,
I'll put him over there,
just so I don't stand on his face.
His... Oh, my God.
I thought that was like...
I'm only seeing it now.
I thought
it was a proper footballer.
He's just in his supporter git, is
Oh, well done. Where is this uncle
Oh, that...
OK. Hang on. I can't.
OK, listen.
Has anybody actually looked
at what's happened here?
The uncle has blown up a full
picture of himself
and then stuck his face on it.
Instead of just blowing up a fucking
picture of him.
What's this got to do with fucking
This is because the uncle
brings him.
Is that why you did that?
No, we had that already, so...
Oh, that's why.
Why would you have this already?
Fucking uncle is sitting there.
"You're my best friend."
"We'll watch football together.
Don't you mind anybody else."
Why did you have that?
OK, I don't know what
noise that was.
So, again, anybody watching, that's
obviously the noise they make
when they understand something.
I understand now.
Oh, he's sorry for saying it.
Know what he was saying there?
Oh, my God.
So, anyway. yeah, yeah. Oh,
shit, sorry.
So, oh, I need to talk about stuff
as well.
So what happened was,
right, you know, all this stuff,
lots of things happened to me.
And when we were in the lockdown
as well,
I wasn't on social media hardly.
Like, I'm on loads now.
And my mate said, "Look, Jason,
when you're in lockdown,
"you need to get on social media."
And, I said,
I said, "What will I do?"
He said, "I don't know,
you're in your house."
So you see me doing like the
Riverdance, like, you know,
you seen that?
At the start in the video where I got
like every trouser I ever owned.
I just stuck it onto my son's
goalpost. That's what I did.
And then me son had no goalposts
for the fucking, you know,
for lockdown because I broke
his goalposts.
So I used all that.
And then so he said, "Look, why
don't you just dress up as somebody
"and do some footy sketches?"
So this is what happened
to me, right?
I actually got banned and my whole
fucking account was wiped
from TikTok, right?
This is true!
And the reason was
because I dressed up as Joe Wicks.
I did a sketch. Right?
I have no idea why.
I just I thought, "I love Joe Wicks.
"I'll dress up as him and I'll jump
around doing a couple of jumping
"jacks and people might think that's
But no, Tik Tok seen it
and went "That is disgraceful.
"Your account is deleted".
That is actually true.
And I actually have the picture,
so have a look at this and see
if you think this is worth
banning me from TikTok.
So hopefully this will work here.
Here it is.
Harmless. Harmless.
And it moves as well. Watch. Does a
bit of movement.
A couple of jumping jacks there!
Right, loosen up there and shit.
Lovely, you're looking great.
Come on, we'll kill this coronavirus
together. That's it.
Yeah, get the legs up there as well.
Get the legs up. Well done.
Well done, everybody.
We'll kill this virus together.
You, me, Joe, and me
and you and Joe.
All right, that's it, all right,
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Woohoo! Joe Wicks.
Now, I don't know why I got
fucking banned for that.
And a friend of mine said,
"Well, Jason, look, the reason
"was because that bloody thing
swinging between you legs, right?"
And they said...
I said, "Well, who seen that?"
And he said, Well, it was probably
a bot or some robot
on fucking TikTok seen this
thing swinging
and went, "That's a mickey.
You're fucking cancelled," right?
Gone. But it wasn't... I went,
"But that's me mother's tights with
a sock in it, right?"
But this is a true story.
I needed tights, right?
And because I'm divorced now,
I didn't have anybody in the fucking
house with the right size!
So I had to go to my mother
in lockdown
and ask her for a pair of tights.
78-year-old woman going,
"What do you want my tights for?"
And I had to go, "Uh, to make
a cock."
She was literally going,
"Just take, get out.
"I don't know what I raised,
you weirdo."
So I went... So I did
that, right?
And then actually, after
that happened, and I got banned
from TikTok,
I took a picture of it to post
on Facebook and tell everybody
that I was like gone from
TikTok, right?
And so I put this up, right? Now,
have a look at that. OK?
Now, I didn't have me glasses
on when I made that,
so I didn't really see where
I put the Red Joe Wicks.
And now it looks like
a real cock hanging out.
And I actually showed that video
for the first time
in Edinburgh in Scotland, right?
And some guy at the very back went,
"It looks like a fucking jobbie!"
"What looks like... What do you
mean it looks like...?"
"It looks like a shite
hanging down your legs,
"fucking swinging back and forth.
"Looks like you've shite yourself!"
And I said to him, "Look, if I'd
actually shit myself like that,
"I would have had to poo out
the back, around the leg, out
"and down the front there."
I swear, the bloke, he went,
"I've done that."
So the other thing I did,
has anybody here ever
been on a quiz show?
Anybody here?
No. Thank you. That's grand.
Do you know, can you be in charge
for the rest of the show?
We'll get you....
Can we get... We'll get a clipboard.
Actually, you can write on the back
of this...
..if there's any more minutes
for the meeting.
Oh, my God. He just gave it to his
wife straight away.
Did you see that?
"Well, I obviously won't be
doing that.
"I can't be fucking trusted."
You're Dad's fucking brilliant.
"Yeah, yeah, uh, there."
What do you work at, by the way?
What's your name, Dad?
Peter. He's a nice Dad.
What do you work at, Peter?
What did you do, then?
A broadcaster?
I think he was on the radio.
And where were you broadcasting?
I never want this show to end, ever.
It's just brilliant.
You remember I said that thing about
getting the audience
and bringing them to the other
fucking gigs?
But we now have a coach.
Can we get... We'll get a clipboard.
Actually, you can write on the back
of this...
..if there's any more,
you know, minutes for the meeting.
Oh, my God. He just gave it to his
wife straight away.
Did you see that?
"Well, I obviously won't be doing
"I can't be fucking trusted."
Your dad's fucking brilliant.
"Yeah, yeah, uh, there."
What do you work at, by the way?
What's your name, Dad?
Peter. He's a nice Dad.
What do you work at, Peter?
What did you do, then?
A broadcaster.
A broadcaster.
I think he was on the radio.
And where were you broadcasting?
I never want this show to end, ever.
It's just brilliant.
You remember I said that thing
about getting the audience
and bringing them to the other
fucking gigs?
But we now have a coach.
I really would love that.
I think that could be good telly.
It would be good telly. Yous...
Remember sitting with ordinary
people in a different venue.
All of yous getting off the coach.
Obviously, it'll be crashing
into wall because of the mask.
"Right, I think we've all arrived.
"Just disembark yourselves."
So, anyway, yes, so...
They gave me money, right,
to make a television show in
And it's called Good Room TV.
You can actually watch it.
It's on the internet.
At goodroomtv.com you can get it.
And loads of celebs came
in and spoke about their childhood,
which was the best fun ever, right?
So all of them talking about growing
in the 70s, 80s, 90s, all the
way in, right?
And, like, you know, I've spoken
about me when I was a child
because I mean, for people
who don't know, I used
to be this small little kind
of red-haired thing.
Fucking freaky hair.
I had the big glasses,
had the eye turned in.
I was a freaky looking thing, right?
So I put it out there, right,
And before I did Good Room TV...
I think I have the logo here. I do.
So before we started that,
I put out the picture of me as a
on the internet and I said,
"Did anybody look like me
when they were younger?"
And this guy got back and he went,
"I fucking did."
Right. So have a look at this.
This is me on the left and the other
guy is on the right.
So have a look. Look at this shit!
So that's him there.
That's obviously me there.
And he goes, "Hey, bro, I think
I found my long lost twin."
And he says, "I feel your pain."
Because the two of us look shit.
Look, what the fuck did they do
to us in the 80s?!
Look at this!
And he's wearing his sister's
jumper, right?
He actually told me that.
And then he fucking texted me
and he went,
"Not only am I wearing my sister's
jumper, but my sister's
"behind me wearing curtains."
And I said, "Ah, yeah, you mean
that that old phrase,
"'it looks like curtains.'"
And he went, "No, she's actually
wearing curtains.
"My mother took curtains down
"in one of the small rooms and made,
a fucking dress and put
"that on for the school photo.
"Had nothing for me and gave me
me sister's sweater."
Like, literally look at how fucking
mad we look, right?
And look at me.
I don't know what's going on.
Like, and all you remember,
like, in those days,
you were just so fucking hot.
Your parents had you fucking up
to your neck in fucking clothes.
And it's not like the clothes
now that are breathable.
What? That did not exist
when we were younger!
Like, I don't know what's
happened to me.
I've got a polo neck and a jumper.
I'm pretty sure I'm passing
out because I don't know
what the fuck this is.
And the younger people in the room
here are probably thinking,
"How the fuck did you end up
looking like that?
"And they took a picture of you."
I'll tell you why most of us
end up looking like that -
because back then, our parents
were alcoholics, right?
And that's what you look like
when an alcoholic gets you ready
in the morning!
Because you remember
your mum with a special tea?
"Special tea." Remember, there was
never any tea in it.
Had special tea that smelled
a fucking whisky, Christ.
There was no Valium then.
Just whisky.
Your mum's in the morning, "Fucking
right, put on your sister's jumper
"and fuck off to school!
"You'll be all right."
And none of those pictures
were ever deleted.
Because now you only take a picture
It's like, "Oh, my God, no.
Delete, delete. No, delete, delete."
Oh, my God. Those pictures were
The film was put down into
the chemist
and left there
for eight or nine months. Right?
That's how long it took to develop.
And then when they came back,
your mum seen them,
but still didn't throw them
out. Do you remember that?
Your mum'd be like, "Brilliant,
I'll put them into the family album.
"That's grand.
"Fucking put them in so they can
slag you off
"when you're fucking older."
So that picture fucking survived
and this next one survived.
This is going to be me on the left
and this is fucking horrendous.
Look at this shit. Look.
I know. Look at me. I look like
a fast little Harold Lloyd.
I don't know what's going on.
Like the bowl haircut.
That jacket is not even...
I think it's me sister's.
Me belly is bursting through it.
And look, there's me mum
with her whisky face.
"Everybody's all right,
we're all OK."
And then my little sister
in the middle,
she looks like a little alcoholic,
Irish fucking drunk.
She's got red cheeks.
And I said to my Dad, "Why did my
sister look like an alcoholic
in not picture?"
My dad said, "Because she was one.
"We used to get her dummy
and stick it in the whisky
and put it in her face.
"So she got addicted to whisky."
And that's why she's not looking
forward in the picture.
She's looking at my mum's whisky
on the fucking table.
"I'd fucking love a bit of that!"
And again, right,
the young people here,
those glasses, they're obviously not
my prescription, right?
Cos you know when you go
to Specsavers now or something,
it just takes forever.
They're so good.
They're like, "OK, just change
the lens there.
"Can you see the dots now?
Are they blurred? Are they clear?
"OK, we'll change it a bit more.
How are the dots now? Blurred?"
"Uh, blurred."
"Good. OK, clear now?"
"I don't know. I think so."
"OK, a little bit more lenses..."
Like, fucking two hours later,
"Is the hot-air balloon in the
middle of the road or on the side
of the road?"
"Fuck, I don't know,
it's somewhere. Can I just get
the fuck out of here?"
"Not until the hot-air balloon is in
the middle and the dots are clear,
"you can't go anywhere.
You're staying." Right?
When I was younger, when you went
to get your eyes tested,
remember, you used to sit in the
and then the nurse would come out
with some sort of acid in a tube
and just squirt it
in your fucking eye,
and then your eyes just dilated
and every bit of light just fucking
rushed in.
And then they fucking rushed
you into the optician,
into a dark room where you were
put in front of a light,
a huge contraption was put in front
of you with loads of lenses.
He just flicking them
in front of you,
trying to guess
what you're fucking doing.
And at the very end he's going...
.."Can you see me now?
Can you see me?!"
And you go... SHOUTS: .."Yeah!"
"Right, fuck off. Next!"
So I never had the right
prescription in me fucking glasses.
Do you know
what my prescription was?
Do you know when you get binoculars
and you turn them round
the wrong way...
..and everything's far away?
That was my prescription. I
literally left the house like this.
Trying to get up the stairs
in the fucking house.
Me mum would just have
to push me up.
"You're nearly there, son."
"What the fuck?
The stairs is miles away."
I remember when I was younger,
I went across the road
and a fucking car hit me because I
thought it was miles away.
"Fucking... Where'd that come from?"
So basically my mum said
I couldn't join in with stuff
because, you know, I was
accident-prone and I went,
"I wasn't accident-prone, Mum,
"I couldn't see shit cos you gave me
the wrong glasses." Right?
So, all my mates all thought,
"No, no, he'll fucking kill
himself." Right?
Do you know what I mean? And so I
wasn't allowed to do a lot of stuff.
And the other reason, as well,
like nobody really knows this,
as well,
like, my eye was turned in,
when I was a kid,
but it happened
because I was dropped.
That's what happened, right?
And so after that -
this is true story -
after I was dropped, my dad fucking
dressed me like this, right?
In a full fucking load of clothes.
And I went, "Why did you do that?"
He goes, "In case we dropped you
"You would just bounce back up like
a basketball and you be all right."
And of course, now we'd be going,
"Don't drop him in the first place,
you mad fucks!"
But in those days,
they were drinking.
They had to be ready to drop
a fucking baby,
so we could fucking bounce back
up again.
And I don't know what temperature
I am there, but look at me cheeks.
Seven million degrees centigrade.
It's like I'm living on the Sun.
So the fucking thing I couldn't join
in with, right, was this, right?
OK. And here it is.
This was brilliant fun, right,
the ramps.
I don't know who was...
Who are the young men here
in their 20s?
Are there any teenagers in here?
Still no? Nobody. Is there a
Oh, it's just a man with tattoos. I
was going to see how young you are.
And he's what?
He's a skateboarder.
Oh! Well done.
I don't know if anybody can see,
he's a fully grown man.
The guy with the hat. Well done.
Are you in your 30s, that man?
No, older?
So, are you in your 40s, then?
Well done. And you're a
- Are you his wife?
- Girlfriend.
What?Girlfriend.Oh, girlfriend.
OK, well done, but
thanks for telling us
that he skateboards in his 40s.
The fucking ramp!
I'm going to finish this if
it kills me.
If it fucking kills me,
I'm going to finish this fucking gig
and it probably fucking will.
What an end to a show.
I'll just collapse and fucking die.
And the finale will be Andy coming
on, going,
"I told you you'd feel shit."
"He's dead on the stage 'neath
the lights and the electricity.
"Look at him."
So the fucking ramp, right?
Was brilliant fun, right?
Do you know what I mean? Because it
was so dangerous. Look at it.
It's like... It's got like a door
and like just two bits
of breeze blocks there.
And it's amazing. If we seen
our kids setting up that now,
holy shit, we'd lose the plot,
wouldn't we?
We'd run out onto the street
and go,
"What are yous doing?
Get the fuck up off the ground.
"Oh, my God. Get those bricks away.
Someone's going to die.
"Call an ambulance.
Get rid of that fucking bike."
But in the 80s, nobody gave
a fuck about us, right?
Nobody cared. Right?
And you never did a test run,
do you remember?
You would just build that ramp
and the bricks
and there wouldn't be a test run.
You just get the kids to fucking
lie down immediately.
And I was one of the lying down kids
with me fucking distant glasses.
Just going, "Is he here yet?
I fucking think he is."
And I can tell you now,
that bike weighs about four-tonne.
It's going nowhere else
except down on every fucking child.
Like, we were the entertainment
for fucking adults then.
They never stopped us doing
Like, just look at the man
in the background on the steps.
He's sitting there with a fag in his
hand, going,
"Oh, one of these is going to die."
So, that was dangerous, right?
But not as dangerous as this...
Oh, my God. This is the most
dangerous thing ever invented,
I know!
This is the only picture
I could find of this.
Now, there's young people wondering,
"What are they all going,
'Whoa!' about?"
That is basically a wheel, right?
It was called The Wheel Of Death
or The Wall Of Gravity.
It was fucking mental. Right?
Do you remember, I actually told my
14-year-old son about it, right?
And my 14-year-old son went, "Ah,
yeah. No, Dad, I know what that is.
"Yeah, I've seen that. I've been on
something like that in Alton Towers.
"Yeah, I know. You stand there
and a big fucking thing, brace
comes over you
"and clamps you in." And he says,
"And there's another clamp for your
shins. And then there's a strap
around your waist."
I was going, "No."
No. What we had in the fucking 80s
was literal...
Remember, the guy who used to run
it? He's just...got a fag in his
hand and just goes,
"All right, kids, follow me."
And there was a door underneath.
And you just fucking walk up into
it. Right?
And you're just standing there and
you're going,
"What do we do?"
"Just stand against the foam and the
faster it goes,
"the more you stick to it."
And we didn't leave and our parents
didn't take us off.
We just fucking stood there waiting.
No straps? Nothin'. Look at that!
Just waiting! And remember
when it just started off?
It just fucking starts fucking
And you're just there sticking to
the wall, right?
And fucking hell, my God, did you
scream because you're just fucking
there... Your face is going
backwards. You're going...
And all you can hear is the guy
outside with the microphone,
the guy operating it, and he goes,
"Scream if you want to go faster."
And you're trying not to scream.
"Switch the fucking thing off!"
Your little willy is literally
going into you
and nearly coming out your arse,
you're being pushed so hard
into the fucking thing.
And do you remember when you puked,
you hit yourself in the face?
Fucking maddest thing.
And you always had a mad bastard
friend beside you.
Your friend... The whole lot of you
are just fucking...
You don't know what's happening.
You're going into another dimension.
You're going so fucking fast, right?
There isn't an astronaut in the
world that would get on something
like that, right?
You're just there going, "Fucking
help me."
And then you're mad bastard friend -
always one - he's beside you.
He goes, "Try and go upside down."
And he's been G-forced against
the wall
and he's trying to turn himself.
Eventually his trainers
are just here beside your head on.
And you're going,
"You're a mad bastard."
And then the fucking thing...
And then people wonder like,
"How did you get off it?"
Your man just fucking stopped it,
do you remember?
And all the kids just fucking
fell off the wall.
And that was metal. And you cut your
fucking knees and your shins.
You might get a gash
across your head.
All of yous are coming off,
you look like World War I soldiers
coming out of a fucking trench.
And what did you do?
You're fucking queued up again.
"Well, we're fucking doing
that again. That was brilliant!
"We nearly fucking died."
Like, I got off and my eye was
actually straightened.
Me fucking mother,
"Mother of Jesus,
what happened to him?"
"I can see!"
It fucking cured me. Right?
But the other thing we didn't know
what to do when we were younger was
like, we didn't have, like, the
iPhones, obviously.
And well done, all the young people
with the iPhones and social media,
it's great crack, you know what I
mean? All the game and... Love it.
Would have loved to have it in the
80s, but we didn't have that.
We had to make up our own fun
and we never knew when to go home
because none of us had watches.
And the only time we knew when to go
home was when we seen this...
Do you remember that? The minute
that went on, you fucking ran!
Like you got home... And I told my
14-year-old this, I said,
"Oh, my God, Dan, when you seen
that, I ran home to your nana as
quick as I could."
And he said, "But surely it
wouldn't matter if you were late."
Went, "No, she was a mad bitch.
She would beat the fuck out of you."
She literally didn't even know
why she was fucking angry.
You'd come in and she go, "I
told you to come in
"when that fucking light came on,
you bastard."
So you fucking ran in this fucking
quick as your could, right?
So on the Good Room TV, I put
that out to see
and I asked anybody, did anybody
have any mad mummies when they
were younger?
And loads of people got back all
over the world going,
"Oh, no, my mum was mad,
my mum was mad."
And one guy got back and he said,
"Oh," he says, "My mum was nuts."
He said, "I was doing home
economics in school
"and I asked her for ingredients
for the next day,"
and he goes,
"And this is what she said."
And he sent me this, right, and she
Isn't that brilliant?!
That's how tough your mammy
was then.
"I've seven kids to raise!"
She'd nearly come up
to the school with you.
"Did you want ingredients?
You can fuck off!
"Give him food to bring home to me,
ya miserable bitch!"
It was fuckin' mad.
But, like, you know, the way
we treat our children now
are so different,
you know what I mean?
It's just amazing, cos we do,
and over lockdown,
my God, we felt guilty, didn't we?
Cos they couldn't go out and
they couldn't meet their friends,
so, of course, we fuckin' jumped
into guilt mode instead of doing
what our parents would have done
in the 80s, which was, like,
wouldn't have given a fuck, just
smoked cigarettes and left us
just to rot around in the garden
and maybe just go,
"There's a fuckin' garden
out there, isn't there?
"Fuck off out there
and play with worms.
"What do you mean you have nothing
to do? Get out of my fuckin' sight."
They literally didn't fuckin' care.
But what did we do?
Like, my 14-year-old, we bought
the fuckin' game and stuff
cos my son, he plays Fortnite and,
like, you know,
oh, my God, like, it was my fault, I
did all this, you know what I mean?
I was going,
"What do you need for Fortnite?"
He was going, "I need a chair.
I need a gaming chair.
"Get me a fucking gaming
chair, Father."
Right? Now, he didn't work
for it or nothing.
I just went onto Amazon.
I went, "Absolutely, son.
I'm going to go onto Amazon now."
And like, kids are so impatient.
"When will it be here?
When the fuck will it be here?
"Show me the fuckin' thing!
"I want to see the order
coming towards me."
"It's here, son.
It's been dispatched.
"Don't worry, don't worry."
"Well, what the fuck? Is it coming
on Tuesday or fuckin' not?"
We're literally...
We don't beat the fuck out of them,
we buy them more shit.
My son was gaming away and
he had the headphones on that
I fuckin' bought him
like a fuckin' idiot.
His ceiling was lighting up
cos I got him lights
cos he went, "Everything else is
lighting up, Dad, everybody else's
"home, I want my fuckin' ceiling
changing colours when I'm gaming.
"Go fuckin' do it now!"
And we do! We go, "Absolutely, son,
"absolutely, go get you the colour
changers and the game chair, right."
And so he was online with his mates
playing Fortnite, which is a game
where 100 people are online, they're
all trying to kill each other,
right? And literally, I hear him
in there, he's got the earphones
on and he's literally going, "Oh,
God, fuckin' go round the haystack.
"Go round the fuckin' haystack.
"Mind the fuckin' car! Fuck's sake!"
Right? And then I had to creep
in cos his dinner's ready
and I don't want to
fuckin' disturb him, right?
The little fucker! It's my house,
but still I'm walking in going...
.."Er, excuse me?"
Like, when they're gaming,
I'm sure all you can see around the
world is, fuckin', basically parents
in the background of
cameras just going, "Ahh..."
Could you tell him it's dinner?"
Literally, my son's like,
"Fuck off, Dad! Fuck off!
"I'm gonna fuckin'... Fuck off!
"Yeah, it's my dad in the
background. He won't fuck off!
"I'm going to die. He's going
to kill me. I'm going to die.
"I died! I fuckin' died!
"That's your fuckin' fault!
Fuck off, Dad!"
Can you imagine telling your dad
to fuck off in the 80s?
Listen to the room. "Oh, no, no.
There's no way I would do that."
Cos, you know, if I told my dad
to fuck off in the 80s,
I would have ended up in a
field, draped over a tree...
..with me pants down and five
choc ices in me arse.
My mates would have walked
over with a football, going,
"Hey, are you OK?"
"I told my dad to fuck off.
"And then he asked me,
did I like ice creams?
"So he stuck five
choc ices in me arse."
"Oh, OK. Erm...
"Do you want to play football?"
"No, I have to wait till these melt.
"My dad said they'll
fall out naturally."
My dad was amazing, right?
And loads of stuff, as I said,
all the stuff that happened as well,
cos my dad passed away, right?
He was, like, 81.
And I think I've got a picture of
him here. Yeah, there he is.
There's Paddy Byrne, right?
And it's really nice to put him
up there, right?
Cos some people go, "Oh, my God,"
cos he's 80 in that picture,
so 81 he lived to, right?
And the thing is as well
is my dad used to say this,
that if you don't talk about
somebody when they die,
they die twice, so you should
always keep talking about people,
so everybody here who has anybody
connected to them that passed away,
you should always keep talking about
them cos it's fuckin' healthy,
it's good for your brain, right?
And he was such a fun man.
And actually, oh, at the funeral,
this is... Oh, my God.
I didn't write this.
This is a true story, right?
At the funeral,
we couldn't find my mum
before we left the church, right?
And we're going, "Oh, my God,
where's Mum?"
And she had her whisky,
so we had to leave her,
let her have a whisky, right?
And we just couldn't find her.
So me and my sisters and brother
got into the family car,
and I couldn't see her.
And then our driver went,
"Oh, I see her. I see her."
And I went, "Where is she?"
And this is true - he goes,
"She's in the front of the hearse
car with the other hearse driver,"
right? I went, "What?!"
And the car started to pull
off and my mam drove
in the hearse with me dad, right?
And when we got to the graveside,
the hearse driver got out,
took off his hat and was leaning
on the bonnet,
and I thought he was crying.
And I went over to him, I went,
"Are you OK?"
And he was fuckin' laughing!
And he says to me, "Oh, my God,
your mother just moaned at your dad
"all the way to the fuckin' grave!"
Apparently she was in the front
"You're not getting away
with this, ya fuckin' bastard!
"Oh, you thought you'd take the
easy way out? Well, fuck that!
"You're fuckin' going nowhere,
you little prick!"
So, fuck, my dad, amazing, right?
And he was a great man.
He was really good.
He always made everybody
feel at home, right?
Whenever you sat with him, it didn't
matter where you were from or who
you were, he always made
you feel good.
So I did a lot of work with mental
health as well over lockdown
and before that, and before he
passed away, I remember sitting with
him in his shed and I said,
"Dad, what do you think
about mental health?"
And this was a great answer.
And he said this, and he said,
"Mental health?
Sure, it's healthy to be mental,"
he said, which, of course,
with this crowd,
you know exactly what I mean.
He was literally talking
about this fuckin' room.
Do you see, Huddersfield?
It's fucking healthy to be mental,
so continue to cut fuckin' cardboard
shapes out of yourself and stick
fuckin' other people's faces on it.
You answer questions as slow
as you fuckin' want.
You fuckin' tell everybody in detail
what's happening around them,
no matter how much they
walk away from you.
And you stop people in cars
and tell them,
"Oh, you could have fuckin' brought
me there,"
even though you're not going there
and they don't live
anywhere near you.
And you tell everybody that he's in
his forties and he skateboards.
And yous fuckin' stay rappin',
Into your fuckin' seventies,
walking down the street...
# Fuckin' yo with a bitch
# And a fuckin' and a bitch
And a yo... #
"How old are you?"
"Who gives a fuck? Fuck you! Mwaaa!"
So that's my dad shed.
And loads of our dads have sheds,
you know what I mean?
Like, at our age, we're not allowed
to have sheds any more because
a shed is where a man goes and does
whatever he wants.
Like, look at my dad's shed.
Like, he's got, like,
cans of Guinness, fuckin'...
That's supposed to be insulated.
He couldn't be fuckin' arsed, right?
Red lemonade, whisky,
had his fag there, bits of speakers.
Couldn't give a fuck,
you know what I mean?
There's no way, we're not
allowed that now because now sheds
have to match the house
and have to match the carpets,
and the women are going,
"You are not going out there till
everything is perfect.
"We're going to Ikea.
"I want the beautiful
couch out there
"in case I ever want
to go there, right?"
But, no, that's a man shed
there that my dad had.
And when he passed away,
I sat in it.
It was great. It just smelt
of cigarettes. It was amazing.
And on this couch here, I found
a notebook and he was scribbling
jokes and poems in there.
I never even knew he did that,
And it was amazing, the stuff you
find out after your dad passed away.
So I read some of his stuff
and I found one of his poems,
and it was so good I had to put
it up on Facebook.
And I didn't write a word of this,
this is actually my dad.
Check this out. It's amazing.
He said...
What a great poem!
I know it's a terrible word,
the C-word, but what a
great use of it there.
You wouldn't have been able to
do that on the wireless now.
My dad would have listened to you.
He loved all that.
My dad had, like,
old radios in there as well
with valves everywhere. Just valves.
My dad used to love
telling you about valves.
"You know, valves,
when they heat up,
"you can hear it bearing in
with the fucking valves."
She's just forced him to get rid
of all his valves.He's what?
She's just forced him to
get rid of all his valves
cos he had too many radios.
OK, just hang on.
It's all right. It's all right.
There's been a family dispute.
Like, I mean, I also
said this before.
I need to come here when
yous see another comic
and sit in the audience with you
and see if you do the same shit...
..or is it just fuckin' me?
All just sitting here,
fuckin' watching whoever, going,
"Oh, it's very funny, brilliant,"
and you leave.
But, no, not me. Fuckin',
"Jason, can I just say something?
"I know you're busy up there...
"..but that woman got rid
of all me dad's valves.
"He had loads of valves,
but she didn't want them any more.
"She got rid of them."
Are all his valves gone?
You would not hear
that in any other town!
What a complaint!
"Me stepmum got rid
of me dad's valves."
Oh, my God.
All the stuff that
happened to me, right?
OK, all the things that went on,
So we'll go through it,
we'll recap again.
We had the Covid, all the gigs
were cancelled.
Then me heart fuckin' blew up
and I felt a bit better,
but apparently I don't any more,
But I will get better again, right?
I went onto fuckin' TikTok.
I get fuckin' banned from that.
I lose followers on
fuckin' Facebook.
Like, me dad passed away.
All the stuff that's going on,
And now what happened was,
since I seen you,
I'm now officially fully divorced,
right, OK? Which is...
Woo!Yeah, no, it's grand,
it's great. It's all done.
It's brilliant. But the really
good news now is that I have
a new girlfriend, right?
Yes! Finally! Right?
Cos I'm, like, 50 next month.
It was getting close, right?
And the thing is, she's ten
years younger than me, right?
Do you know what?
Whenever I say that,
the women are the only ones that
The blokes pretend they're not
fuckin'... Like, they're just going,
"Oh, that's terrible, isn't it?
That's awful. Ten years younger.
"I'd never do that to you.
The wives go, "Do you know what?
I'd actually love to see that.
"I'd love to see you trying to be
with someone ten years younger
"than me, ya fuckin'
hairy, smelly bastard.
"I'd love to see you on top
of someone ten years younger,
"breathing your dog shit breath
into their lovely face,
"while they're smelling
your organs, dying,
"and then you getting out, farting,
and then saying,
"'that's for yourself
before you go to the bathroom.'
"Away you go and let's see
how you do with that shit!"
But it's insane, right?
And I'll tell you now,
here's my advice to the room,
if you're with somebody
a long time now, right,
and you're in your late 40s,
50s, 60s, whatever,
around that age. Right?
Stay with them. Don't leave.
Even if it's fucking miserable.
Do not leave.
Cos I found this out -
it's easier to rot together
with somebody the same age...
..cos all your bits stop working
together at the same fucking time.
Like, my new girlfriend
was talking to me about grooming.
I'd never heard of grooming.
I didn't know what it was.
For 20 years
I had a huge push of pubes.
It just fucking lived there.
And me cock looked like an eye
looking out of a bush.
She's going, "What the...?
"Could you cut this back?
"They can't breed in here.
"It's like Vietnam in here,
for fuck's sake.
"The sweat, the fucking tears."
But now I have a fucking girlfriend
who's ten years younger than me.
She's spotting hair
coming out of my ears.
It's coming down my nose.
I didn't fucking even know
that was going to happen.
She's going,
"What the fuck is in your ear?"
Do you know what I mean? I should be
with somebody my own age.
That's what I should have done.
I should have stayed with somebody
my own age cos it's much easier,
because, you know, there's
a reason you lose your eyesight
in your late 40s, right?
So you don't have to see how fucking
shit you both ended up like.
You're both just blurred versions.
I should be with somebody now
who's on the fucking couch beside me
with a book, just doing this.
"I can't see that for shit.
"That was not blurred last week.
"What in the name of God?
Did you blur these fucking words?
"I can't see fucking anything!
"Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm hot.
Why the fuck am I hot?
"Why am I getting hot?
Oh, my God. I'm getting hotter.
"What the fuck is happening to me?
"Jesus Christ! Open the window.
"Get the fuck up and open
the window.
"Open it wider, wider, wider!
"Close it! I'm freezing.
I'm fucking freezing.
"Get the fuck back here!
Close the window.
"Sit down!
Oh, my God, my fanny's on fire.
"My fanny's on fire.
It's like a volcano.
"Go and get frozen peas.
Get the frozen peas.
"Bring them back.
Put them on my fanny.
"Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
"Get the fuck away from me!
What are you holding me for?
"Get the peas off me fanny.
You fucking pervert!
"Jesus, I'm roasting!
"I'm fucking freezing! I'm blind.
"Where the fuck am I in life?"
You poor fucking women.
And the men don't know what to do.
We're, like, up and down.
We're fucking exhausted as well.
And there's nothing worse, when
you're sitting on the couch, right?
And your missus might say to you,
when you're in your late 50s
or whatever, your late 40s,
and your missus says to you,
"Do you want to have sex?"
You go into a fucking sheer
panic, don't you?
Cos all you're thinking is,
how am I going to get the blood
into the willy?
You're going to have to go
upstairs and fucking slam it
in the wardrobe door.
The minute she says,
"Do you want to have sex?"
you're running upstairs
and fucking slamming the thing.
"C'mon, grow, you bastard, grow!"
But instead you're relieved
when you're sitting there
and your missus looks at you
and she goes, "I'm only messing!
"Would you like a ham and cheese
toastie instead?"
"Oh, yes. Oh, my God, yes.
"You had to give me the fright
of my life.
"I thought you wanted sex."
"Why would I want to have sex with
you, you blurred fat, hairy, fuck?
"I'm too fucking hot."
"In fact, I think I'll make
the cheese toastie on me fanny.
"Flip it over!"
I've never said that before.
The fucking image.
Some of the lads are going,
"Oh, it's not a bad idea."
Imagine you're watching The Chase
and your fucking fella comes in
with these tongs
and a cheese toastie.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Just making a cheese toastie
on your fanny."
You know,
when I was married for years,
you never really made love.
You didn't do that.
You might have got it
on your birthday.
That was the one time -
do you remember that?
You'd go upstairs and your missus
would not be in her fancy lingerie,
there wouldn't be any fucking rose
petals or any kind of nice music on.
You'd go in and put on the fucking
light and she'd be in the bedroom
on the bed with one leg
out of her pyjamas.
Just lying there going,
"Come on, come on.
"Happy birthday, happy birthday."
You just get on top, the two
of you with huge pubic hair.
Nothing's going in anywhere.
You just fucking pretend.
Her pyjama leg is going
on your back.
Eventually, she goes,
"Do you want a cheese toastie?"
"Yeah. Let's go back down.
This is fucking shit."
It's exhausting having a girlfriend
younger than you like that, right?
So, be careful what you wish for.
And actually, before I go,
I'm going to tell you,
I love telling this story
cos we have the cameras
and we need to record this -
I've never had it recorded.
Basically, it's an homage
to my dad, right?
It's my favourite story about him.
He was just so funny.
And so what happened was, OK,
I may have told this to you before,
but it doesn't matter -
it's such a good story.
So, I have Swedish family,
and my brother lives there
and he's got two daughters,
Amanda and Sophia, they're there.
And, basically, Amanda is gay,
which we fucking love.
Especially where my mum lives.
It's full of Catholics,
and we parade Amanda around
just to fucking annoy them.
So, they go in and whip themselves
with their fucking crucifixes.
"It's disgraceful, disgraceful!
Jesus doesn't want that.
"Jesus doesn't want this.
"Jesus doesn't like that.
"Jesus doesn't like the bold,
bad fucking gays.
"He doesn't like the gays."
It's the fucking tablets, Andy.
So, basically, about four or five
years ago, I was on the phone
to Amanda, I was in Ireland,
she was in Sweden.
I said, "How are you getting on?"
"Oh, I'm great, Uncle Jason.
I'm really good."
She goes, "I've got a bit of news.
I have a new partner."
I went, "Oh, my God,
that's brilliant, Amanda.
"It's great. What's the story?"
She goes,
"Well, my partner is transgender.
I went, "Oh, my God,
that's amazing,"
pretending to know what that was.
I didn't have a fucking clue
what it was, right?
She went, "Yeah, and they liked to
be referred to as 'they'"
and I didn't know that.
I was going, "Wow, wow,"
again, pretending.
"Oh, so we call them 'they'
cos, yeah, we call them 'they.'"
Then Amanda came in and she went,
"Now, what I'm going to do is
"I'm going to come and visit Nana
and Grandad with my new partner,"
and I had to pause and I had to go,
"Can you say that again, Amanda?
"Are you actually bringing your
partner to see my mum and dad?
"You're bringing a transgender
to meet an 80-year-old Irish
"whisky drinking man?"
She went, "Yeah" and I went,
"Holy fuck. I wouldn't miss this
for the world."
There's no way he's going
to get this right!
So, on the day I ran up
to Mum and Dad's house,
I'm waiting in there.
They're inside.
My mum is prepping me dad,
and she's going,
"You know what to say, Paddy. Don't
feck this up or I'll kill you."
My dad's standing there
with his whisky going,
"Yeah, tickety, tickety-boo!
"I'm a man of the world.
Bring them in."
So, eventually the Swedes arrived,
oh, best day of my life.
I'll never forget it.
Amanda comes in, she runs
up to my dad, goes,
"Oh, Grandad, I love you,
I love you."
And then me dad hugs Amanda.
"Oh, welcome back from Sweden.
Welcome to Ireland, Amanda.
"I love you, I love you."
And then Amanda goes to her partner,
to my dad.
"This is they,"
and, no shit, my dad goes,
"Oh, Dave, nice to meet you."
Me mother goes,
"You fecking idiot, Paddy!
"It's they, not fucking Dave!"
Everybody's crying,
Amanda and they
go out into the fucking garden.
My mum doesn't know
what the fuck to do.
Christ. My dad's standing there,
and he has tried so much
to be a modern new grandad,
but he just couldn't cope.
And he blew up. He couldn't take it.
He's standing there
with his whisky, going,
"I don't know what the fuck
to say any more!
"Fucking hell, a Mary's a Sean,
"a fucking Sheila's a Susan,
a Mick's a Michael,
"a fanny's an arse,
a cock's a boob.
"I don't know where the fuck
what goes where."
And I swear to fuck,
he then ended on this,
"Anyway, I thought a transgender
was a truck that turned
into a fucking robot!"
Oh, fucking hell,
ladies and gentlemen.
So, look, we're nearly there.
So, this is what we're going to do,
before I leave,
I've just made this quick
little montage, right?
And it's all just what happened
to us over the past two years,
so just have a look at this, right,
and I'll be back out to say goodbye
where you do the fucking standing
ovation, you lazy shits.
The people in the balcony,
"It's all right.
"We'll put one leg up.
You'll be OK."
"All right. Can fuck off.
We should be going anyway."
So I'll play this video and then
I'll be back out to say goodbye.
So here we go,
just fucking hit the music there.
Hit the music, hit the music.
Give it a good blast now!
Blast the fucking music!
# It doesn't matter, doesn't matter
what you say any more
# It doesn't matter, doesn't
matter what you say any more
# It doesn't matter, doesn't
matter what you say any more
# It doesn't matter,
doesn't matter what you say any more
# It doesn't matter, doesn't matter
what you say any more...#
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
Oh, no, I mean, don't - stop!
Big round of applause for everybody!
Oh, over here!
Come on!
There we go!
Big cheer up there for everyone!
The slow hand, as well.
Fucking slow hand.
Andy! Give it up for Andy, as well.
He's up there, as well.
Oh, I'll have this.
There he is!
Thanks a million, Huddersfield.
I couldn't have done this
in front of a better crowd.
Goodnight, goodnight!