Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) Movie Script
Bobby-boy,
stay while mommy picks up free cheese.
This will keep the sun out of your eyes
Be good.
Don't you fucking move,
you little shit machine.
Mama's gonna try to score.
Excuse me, who's watching these babies?
The fat one's watching the little one?
Nice parenting.
Leave them out here like that
and see what happens.
Fuck you, you fucking square!
Yeah, keep on trucking.
Did you hear the fucking guy tell me
how to fucking raise you?
What a fucker man.
Who does he think he fucking is?
What's the worst
that could fucking happen to you
standing in front of a store?
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck-
mother-motherfuck-fuck.
Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch,
no inch, no inch.
One, two, one-two-three-four.
No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch,
Smoking weed, smoking weed,
doing coke, drinking beers.
Drinking beers, beers, beers.
Rolling fatties, smoking blunts.
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.
Let me have a nickel bag.
Fifteen bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.
If that money doesn't show,
then you owe me, owe me, owe.
My Jungle Love.
Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!
I think I want to know you, know you.
What the hell are you singing?
You don't know "Jungle Love"?
That shit is the mad notes.
Written by God herself...
and handed down to
the greatest band in the world.
The motherfucking Time.
You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
Yeah, "Purple Rain."
That shit was so gay.
Fucking 80's style.
Don't never say an unkind word
about "The Time".
Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives...
around Morris Day and Jerome.
I'm a smooth pimp
who loves the pussy...
and tubby here is my black man-servant.
What?
What did tell you two about
dealing in front of the store?
Drop the kid and pedal your
wares someplace else, burn-boy.
And for the record,
"The Time" sucked ass.
Want to hear something fucked up
about him and that Quick-Stop boy?
Are you supposed to be here today?
Don't get me started.
Can't we do something
about those two stoners...
hanging around outside
the store all the time?
Why? What did they do now?
I'm trying to watch
"Clash Of The Titans"
and all I can hear is...
those two screaming about
Morris Day at the top of their lungs.
I thought the fat one
didn't talk that much.
What, am I producing
an A & E biography about them?
Two packs of wraps.
How is the service?
What service?
The one at the Unitarian Church
last week...
where you two got married to each other
What the hell are you talking about?
Jay said you guys had a
"Star Wars" theme wedding...
and you tied the knot
dressed like Storm Troopers.
And he says you're the bitch
and you're butch.
I'm the bitch?
If we were gay,
that's the way I'd see it.
Will you shut up?
Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over.
That does it.
I am gonna do something about
these two stoner fucks...
I should've done a long time ago.
What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?
We got a report of two guys hanging
around a store selling pot.
We don't smoke pot.
No pot? What do you use this for?
I have a wiping problem,
I stick those little pieces of paper...
over my brown eye and bam!
- No shit stains on my undies.
You don't believe me? I'll show you.
Check this out.
Just spread my cheeks and
you can see the stink nuggets.
Pull up your fucking pants, sir.
Now!
Let's go.
We're going down to the station.
What, is it a crime to fart?
Motherfucker
No fucking way!
Dante and Randal slapped you
with a restraining order?
Ain't that about a bitch?
Are you gonna abide by
the court's ruling...
or are you gonna go bandit,
Reynold's style?
Judge said if we go within
a hundred feet of the store...
we get thrown into County.
You know what they make you do
in County?
Toss the salad.
If you guys really wanted to hang out
in front of a convenience store...
you could buy your own with all that
money you guys made.
Hell, yeah, bitch.
Wait a second-what money?
The money from the Bluntman
And Chronic movie.
Oh my God,
don't tell me you have no idea...
that there's a movie being made of
the comic...
you two were the basis for?
What? Since when?
Here's the pulse.
And this is your finger...
far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your ass.
Would you like
a chocolate covered pretzel?
If you read Wizard, you'd know
that it's the top story this month.
Check it out.
When the fuck did this happen?
After-X-Men hit at the box office...
all the studios started buying
every comic property...
they could get their dirty
little hands on.
Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic.
Miramax?
I thought
they only made classy pictures...
like The Piano, or The Crying Game.
Once they made She's All That,
everything went to hell.
You're saying you haven't gotten
a monetary cut of the movie?
Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards...
used to pay you likeness rights
for the comic book?
We haven't seen a fucking dime
for no movie.
I'm no lawyer,
but I think Holden and Banky...
owe you some of that proverbial
"fat cash".
If I was you guys,
I'd find Holden McNeil...
and ask for my movie check.
Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid!
And on that note, we cue the music.
Look at these morose motherfuckers
right here.
Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bunngg!
Come on in.
What brings you two dirt merchants
to my neck of the woods?
I'll tell you what our necks are
doing in your woods.
Where's our motherfucking movie check?
You heard about that, huh?
I got nothing to do with it.
That's Banky's deal.
He owns the property now.
I sold my half of the Bluntman and
Chronic rights to him years ago.
Why the fuck would you do
a thing like that?
Why in Gods' name would I want to
keep writing about characters...
whose central preoccupation is weed
and dick and fart jokes.
You gotta grow, man.
Don't you want anything more
for yourself?
I know this poor hapless son of
a bitch does.
I look into his sorry, doe eyes and
I see a man crying out.
He's crying out "When, Lord?"
When the fuck can your servant...
ditch this foul mouthed
little chucklehead...
to whom I am a constant victim of
his folly.
So much so that it prevents me
from ever getting a girl.
Fuck! When, Lord, when?
When's gonna be my time?
He knows.
I'm the chucklehead?
You're the fucking dumb ass...
who gave your comic away.
Now you don't get no
fucking movie check neither.
When you're right, you're right.
I wish I'd held on to a little piece
of that thing because...
if the buzz is any sign, that movie's
gonna make some huge bank.
What buzz?
The internet buzz.
What the fuck is the internet?
The internet is a communications
tool used the world over...
where people can come together
to bitch about movies...
and share pornography.
Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com.
Poop shoot, yeah.
This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs.
Sad, pathetic little bastards living
in their parents' basement...
downloading scripts and what
they think is inside information...
about movies and actors that
they claim to despise yet...
can't stop discussing.
Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic.
"Inside sources tell me Miramax is
starting production this Friday..."
"on their adaptation of underground
comic fav Bluntman & Chronic."
Friday? Shit.
Does it say who's playing us
in the movie?
No, but it's Miramax,
so I'm sure
it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
They put them in a bunch of movies.
Who?
Those kids from "Good Will Hunting".
You mean that fucking movie
with Mork from Ork in it?
I wasn't a big fan either.
But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Word, bitch.
"Phantoms" was a motherfucker!
Here we go.
This is the shoot back section.
This is where the people get to
chime in with their two cents.
Here's a guy with
the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"...
opining on what he thinks about
Bluntman & Chronic.
He says...
"Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid
alter egos Jay & Silent Bob...
"only work in small doses, if at all."
"They don't deserve their own movie."
He's got a point.
Fuck him. What's the next one say?
This is entitled
"Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses".
"Bluntman & Chronic is the
worst comic I ever read."
"Jay & Silent Bob
are stupid characters."
"A couple of stoners who spout
dumb ass catch phrases..."
"like a third rate Cheech & Chong,
or Bill & Ted."
"Fuck Jay & Silent Bob!
Fuck them up their stupid asses!"
Who the fuck said that shit?
He calls himself Magnolia Fan.
Check this one out.
"Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes
that only stoners laugh at."
"They are fucking clown shoes."
"If they were real I'd beat the shit
out of them for being so stupid."
"I will be boycotting this movie.
Who is with me?"
Then there's fifty more posts
of people...
who are joining this guy's boycott.
I'm gonna kill all these fucks.
Let it go.
They're not talking about you guys.
They're talking about
Bluntman & Chronic.
But they said Jay & Silent Bob.
They used our real names.
It doesn't matter
if there's a comic version...
because no one knows we're real
in real life.
And all the people reading that
shit think the real Jay & Silent Bob...
are a couple of jerk-offs
because of what these dick-heads...
are writing about
the comic Jay & Silent Bob.
Maybe one night me and lunch-box
are making some chick and she says...
"Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off.
What're your names?"
And I say
"Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize."
And she says
"I read on the internet that..."
"you guys were a couple of
little fucking jerk-offs."
And then she goes and sucks
two other guys dicks off instead.
Fuck that!
We got to put a stop to
these fucking hateful...
sons of bitches before they ruin
our good names.
First of all, I don't know
how good your names are...
and second, there's not much you can do
about stopping this bile.
The internet has given everyone
in America a voice...
and everyone in America
has chosen to use that voice...
to bitch about movies.
As long as
there's Bluntman & Chronic movie...
the net nerds are gonna have
something negative to say.
Wait a second.
If there wasn't
a Bluntman & Chronic movie...
then those fuckers wouldn't be saying
shit about Jay & Silent Bob.
They're not saying anything
about you now.
They're talking
about fictional characters.
Fictional characters.
Am I getting through to you at all?
So all we gotta do is stop
the fucking movie from getting made.
And forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars...
that you two would be entitled to
in the process.
Are you fucking retarded?
I don't think I'm alone in the world...
Greedo shooting first.
A Jay & Silent Bob movie?
Who'd pay to see that?
But, since it appears inevitable,
I recommend that you...
go hunt Banky down and get
your mother fucking movie check...
as you succinctly put it,
because that's what's important, right?
No, Holden McNeil.
The important thing here
is a bunch of mother fuckers...
we don't even know calling us
assholes on the internet...
to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.
Putting a stop to that is the most
important thing we could ever do.
When is this movie getting made?
They start this Friday.
So, if today is Tuesday,
that gives us...
eight days.
Three by my count, but close.
My bad.
Three days to stop that fucking
stupid movie from getting made.
C'mon, Silent Bob-
we're going to Hollywood.
Tickets?
Since when did they start charging
for the bus?
Didn't we used to ride that shit to
school every morning for free?
This sucks balls, man.
How come we ain't getting no rides?
Because you're doing it all wrong.
You gotta give
the driver a little incentive.
Like how?
Like this.
But what happens when they pick
you up and you don't...
make with the head?
Don't they kick your ass to the curb?
Sure, if you don't make with the head.
Yeah. If it'll get me a couple
hundred miles across the country...
I'll take a shot in the mouth.
But we ain't gay.
Don't be so suburban.
It's the new millennium.
Gay, straight- it's all the same now.
There are no more lines.
There's a line,
and on the side of it we ain't gay.
All the hitchers do this.
Why do you think people pick us up?
If you get a ride, it's expected.
I don't care who the driver is.
It's the first rule in the book.
What book?
The unwritten book of the road.
Follow the rules of the book...
and you'll get
where you're going in no time.
Excuse me.
You both don't have to sit back there.
Why doesn't one of you come sit
next to me?
Where are you boys from?
New Jersey.
But we're on our way to Hollywood.
Hollywood, huh? That's far away.
Thank God you picked us up.
Do unto others-
that's what the book says.
Wait a second- you follow the book too?
I live my life by it.
- You?
- Of course.
So you live by the book, too?
You picked us up, didn't you?
I have to.
That's good to hear...
but it's a lot easier to say
you live by the book...
than to actually do it.
Can you do it?
All right.
I can't believe this shit.
Five hours and not a single ride.
Every day people hitch to Hollywood...
but when you and me try it's like
we're trapped in a fucking cartoon.
Zoinks.
Now we can finally solve the mystery
of the hitchhiking ghouls.
Pull off their masks and let's see
who they really are.
I don't think they are masks.
And I don't think
they're hitchhiking girls, either.
Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls.
I wish they were hitchhiking girl.
Sexy, hitchhiking girls.
Let's kick them out.
We have a mystery to solve.
The only mystery here is
why we take our cues...
from a dick in a neckerchief.
Keep it up, beatnik.
I'll feed you to the fucking dog.
I can't take all this fighting.
You guys need to turn those
frowns upside down.
And I got just the thing for that.
We call it...
doobie snacks.
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
I think they passed out.
Great. What do we do with them now?
Let's cut out their kidneys
and sell them on the black market...
and leave them in
a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
You see something?
Anything?
I had a horrible dream.
Man, I'm hungry.
Where can we get some breakfast?
Yeah.
Check that shit out.
The internet.
Let's see if those fucks wrote
something new about us...
or that stupid-ass flick.
"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob
are gonna lick balls..."
"because they both, in fact,
lick balls."
Mother fucker.
It's time we wrote something back.
Type this shit down.
All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.
You are the ones
who are the ball lickers.
We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry...
like little whiny bitches.
One we get to Hollywood...
and find those Miramax fucks
who are making the movie...
we're gonna make them eat our shit-
then shit out our shit...
and eat their shit that's made up
of our shit that we make them eat.
And then all you mother fucks are next.
Love, Jay & Silent Bob.
That'll show those fucks.
Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin
then get back on the road,
go to Hollywood and stop those fucks...
from making that movie.
No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs.
We keep our eye on the prize.
And let nothing...
and I mean nothing distract us.
Holy shit!
Oh, my God.
Do you get free refills with that?
This? No, I use this for protection.
So that no guys try to grab my shit
or anything.
Hi, I'm Justice.
And I am so fucking yours.
I mean- hi, I'm Jay.
And this is my hetero life-mate,
Silent Bob.
It's nice to meet you.
Justice, huh? That's a nice name.
Jay and Justice sitting in a tree...
f-u-c-k-i-n-g.
So you come around here often?
I'm not from around here.
My friends and I are on a road trip.
Friends, huh?
Where are they at?
Out there by that van.
Hi.
Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
Ladies, ladies, ladies -
Jay and Silent Bob are in the house.
Who the fuck are these guys?
This is Jay and Silent Bob.
Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy.
Where the fuck did they come from?
I met them inside.
They're gonna hitch a ride.
I don't know if that's such a good idea
Sure it is, Jugs.
Oh, my God!
He just called Sissy "Jugs".
- I'm on it.
- Chrissy, no!
We're in the middle of suburbia.
Let's try and act like it.
What's with the knife?
We having cake or something?
Shit.
He's retarded to boot.
She called you retarded.
What is wrong with you, Justice?
You do remember where
we're going, don't you?
And we have a job to do.
They're just gonna tag along for
a few miles.
They won't get in the way, I swear.
I swear I don't know what's going on
in your fucking brain lately.
Please?
Fine, they can ride with us.
But they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.
Honest injun.
- Honest injun.
- Shut up.
I can't believe what a pushover you are
And I can't believe fine-ass
bitches like yourself eat that shit.
Don't you know fast food
makes girls fart?
What's all this talk about farting?
Hi, Brent.
This is Brent. He's with us, too.
Brent, tell these sillies that
girls don't fart.
Of course they don't.
Only skeevy stoners fart.
What up, homies?
Wow, three guys, four girls.
What's the count, boys?
Let's rock.
Dear Mr. Science guy...
don't spray that aerosol in my eye.
I don't really want to die.
I'm a noble rabbit.
What are you guys,
a cover band or something?
We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC-
Students Against Animal Cruelty.
We're on our way to Colorado to give
Provasik a piece of our minds.
What the fuck
are you bitches babbling about?
Hey! Watch the language, little boy.
There are females present.
Provasik Pharmaceuticals is
a medical lab where they perform...
gross experiments on animals.
What kind of animals
are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos?
No!
More like dogs, cats, rabbits,
muskrats, beavers.
Heck, even monkeys.
If we don't speak up for them, who will?
Right, Jussy?
Right, Brent.
Brent, can I talk to you over here
for a second?
Be honest, you're down with this
for the fine-ass pussy, right?
I'm down with this
because I love animals, stupid.
Even sheep?
Of course.
Sheep are beautiful creatures.
They are beautiful, aren't they?
Oh God, yes.
So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?
What is your damage, little boy?
You have a sick
and twisted world perspective.
You're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.
I mean if you were another sheep.
Would you fuck a sheep
if you were another sheep?
Since you put it that way...
you bet your ass I would.
I thought so.
This mother fucker ain't one of us.
He said he'd fuck a sheep.
Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep fucker?
- What the fuck are we gonna do?
- Shut up, I'm thinking.
Is Hollywood near where we're going?
Is that where you guys are from?
Yeah, right.
Jersey represent.
Oh, a Jersey boy.
What brings you all the way out here?
We couldn't hang around
the Quick-Stop no more...
because of the restraining order.
Which sucks ass...
because it's been mine and Silent Bob's
home since we were kinds.
Silent Bob even busted his cherry there
You did?
I bet she was a lucky girl.
Fuck that fat fuck!
I'm trying to tell a story.
Sorry.
We were talking to Brodie...
and he told us about
the Bluntman & Chronic movie...
so we went to see Holden McNeil
and he showed us the internet...
and that's where we found all
those little fucking jerk-offs...
talking shit about us.
So we decided to go to Hollywood...
and stop the movie from getting made.
And now we're here.
I have no idea what you just said.
I get that a lot.
So, you like animals, huh?
Sure.
That's cool. Even snakes?
You can't exclude an animal just
because they're not cuddly.
Of course I like snakes.
How about trouser snakes?
What's a trouser snake?
What the fuck are you waiting for.
She went for the set-up...
reach in your pants
and pull your cock out, bitch.
Girls like that kind of shit.
Right here is where the angel
is supposed to show up...
and tell you not to pull your dick out,
but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker
and sent him packing...
so it's smooth sailing.
Let him rip, boy.
"Jesus loves the little children".
Sorry I'm late.
What's the deal?
Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking
of whipping your dick out...
at this fine piece of woman, are you?
Look over at Silent Bob and
see if he thinks it's a good idea...
to whip your dick out.
That's it. Put the dick down.
You got to go from heart.
No little perv bullshit is gonna work
for this one.
Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch.
I gotta go beat the shit out of
two sucker punching little bitches.
Remember- don't pull your dick out
until she asks.
Or until she's sleeping.
Don't ask.
So what can a smooth pimp-daddy
like me...
do to help the animals?
You really don't want to help us.
What are you talking about?
Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.
I mean youse guys-
I 'd do anything for youse guys.
Because of the lift and shit.
Okay. Let me talk to the other girls
and get back to you.
You do that.
I'll be right here waiting.
Fuck you, fatty.
You guys want anything from inside?
No, we're cool.
It just isn't the same, is it?
This place licks balls compared to
the Quick-Stop.
Speaking of licking balls-
how about that Justice chick?
She is too fine.
And she smells so fucking pretty.
She has a nice voice, too.
And that body!
Fucking smoking.
She didn't tell me to fuck off once
when I was talking to her...
or pull out the pepper spray.
You know,
lunch box-she could be the one.
- Smooth move, Justice.
- Nice going, four eyes.
Why did you let that stoner throw Brent
out of the van?
If I had to listen to one more of
those stupid songs...
I was gonna throw him out myself.
We needed Brent.
He was our patsy, remember?
We'll just find someone else.
Besides, I didn't see you try to
stop Jay from throwing him out.
I didn't want to blow our cover.
Cover? You all hated his songs, too.
Not as much as I hate you.
We have a very simple gang.
I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn
and Missy's the tech girl.
But lately I'm can't figure out
what you're doing here.
Your name doesn't even fit
the rhyme scheme.
Since you let our patsy slip away...
you have to convince the little kid
and the fat guy to take his place.
They've gotta break into Provasik now.
You'll do it or you're out of the gang.
Just use the little one's crush on you
to convince him...
since he's so fucking in love with you.
Jay? No, he's not.
Am I blind?
He wasn't kissing your hand
in the van...
like he was Lord Byron?
Maybe he has manners?
You ever had your asshole licked
by a fat man in an overcoat?
We've got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.
That'll give you plenty of time
to work on him.
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Why the fuck not?
Because he's just so innocent.
Look at him.
Who's it gonna be?
Him or us?
Steal a monkey? No problem.
It's not stealing a monkey.
It's liberating it. It's-
Wait a second.
Did you say "no problem"?
Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time.
Right, lunch-box?
It's not like it's a bad thing.
It's for a good cause.
It's for the best cause, mon cheri.
The cause of love.
Snoogens.
What the heck is that?
- What?
- Snoogens, I believe.
What the fuck do you think it means?
It means I'm kidding.
That's too bad.
I can't believe I'm gonna get some
pussy for stealing a monkey.
If I'd known that earlier...
I'd have been stealing monkeys
since I was seven.
Don't, mother fucker-
don't you ruin this for me.
Me and Justice
are gonna get married some day...
so don't be giving me no look like
we ain't gonna steal the monkey.
I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch!
Don't forget that.
That girl- that girl is in love with me
They're gonna do it.
Good.
They do their part and we'll do ours.
Remember- we meet back here
when you're done.
Are you sure you're okay with this?
Sure as I am that you're the hottest
bitch I've ever seen.
Easy...
What's twisting this bitch's tit?
Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.
They don't?
How about "fine piece of ass"?
How about not.
What the fuck am I supposed
to call you?
Something sweet, you big goof.
Something nice.
Boo-boo kitty fuck?
Okay, that's a start.
Jay, before you go...
could you say something into the camera
about the clitoris?
- You are such a bitch!
- Shut up, Justice.
She's a little embarrassed.
We're making a documentary for
a human sexuality class...
and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.
The female clitoris?
Yeah.
Jay, you don't have to do this.
It's cool.
There's a few things
I could say about the clit...
that I'd like you to hear.
I am the master of the clit.
Remember this fucking face.
Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this fucking face.
I make that shit work.
No one rules the clit like me.
Not this little fuck.
None of you little fucks out there.
I am the clit commander.
When it comes down
to business this is what I do.
I pinch it like this-
Oh, you little fuck.
And then I rub my nose-
Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
I will.
Girls.
Do you think I could get a little kiss
for good luck?
Do you think I could get
a little blow job for good luck?
No. Go.
Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker.
Jussy, come on.
- Are they in?
- You could say that.
Time to shine. Let's go.
You are so gay.
Once we get upstairs
I want complete silence.
Missy whipped this up-
it counts our decibel level.
If it goes into the red- alarm,
we're dead.
So that means not even
the slightest noise, you got that?
Got it.
Justice, move your ass.
Check this shit out, lunch-box.
Animal tranquilizers.
This shit fucks you up- like percosets.
Keep this, so later me and Justice
can shoot each other with it...
and fuck like stoned test-bunnies.
Suzanne.
Boo-yah.
Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!
Boom-box.
I can't believe it.
Months of planning...
and it's all blown by a fart.
We can't just leave them here.
That alarm will bring the cops
any minute.
That's always been the plan.
They take the heat off us long enough
'til we can get out of town.
Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks.
Let's go!
What are you looking at?
There ain't no snacks here.
We got what we came for.
Let's get outta here.
I know it's sad.
But what are we supposed
to do about it?
Justice, open the door!
Oh, shit!
Drop the bag-now!!!
Justice!
You mind if I lean that there?
My, oh my, oh my.
Who let the cats out?
Wait-is that-??
Excuse me, who the hell are you?
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
This investigation is now
under my jurisdiction.
Really? Why is that?
Because someone let a whole mess of
animals out of their cages, sir.
We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic used...
to call attention away from
the real heist at the Diamond Exchange.
Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.
Sounds more like something out of
a bad movie.
The Provasik people say
they've rounded up all their animals...
except for one-an orangutan.
The most dangerous animal known to man.
Sir,
this was just delivered to the station.
What is it?
It's a tape from the terrorists who
claim responsibility for the break-in.
Do you have a VCR?
I am the clit commander.
Oh, my God!
Blafsky, it's Willenholly.
I need you to get me on
the national news, pronto.
Why?
Because we may be dealing with...
the two most dangerous men on
the planet.
This is Jussy's monkey.
Justice died for you,
you little monkey fuck!
Do something, tons of fun.
Is that thing waving at us?
It understood us.
Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey?
You're my bitch!
You get my back.
Don't go taking
this fucking chimp's side.
What if there are more
super monkeys up at that lab?
Maybe they're making an army of
them up there?
Holy shit!
Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files"...
Roswell style?
This little monkey can be
the fucking damn dirty apes
responsible for fall of
the human race
and this world got mad
we won't spank the monkey
The monkey will spank us.
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Eaten alive.
Then these monkey fucks
will start wearing our clothes...
and rebuilding the world in their image
And only those...
as super smart will be left a live...
You maniacs!
Damn youse!
God damn youse all to hell!
Not on my watch, mother fucker.
Die, you super-monkey fuck!
Alright, you can live. For now.
You see that shit. Bitches love me.
Let's get something to eat.
We ain't hiding in the woods no more.
We gotta get to Hollywood.
Besides, we're in the clear.
It's not like anyone knows
we stole the monkey.
I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive
News Now bulletin.
A Provasik animal testing facility
in Boulder was the focus of an attack
by a terroristic primate rescue
syndicate calling themselves...
The Coalition for Liberation of
Itinerant Tree Dwellers...
or simply C.L.I.T.
In a videotape sent to
authorities this morning...
credit for the liberation of
an orangutan from the lab last night...
is taken by these men, identified
in literature that accompanied the tape
as Jay and Silent Bob.
In this chilling clip, they make it
very clear that they...
are in control... of the C.L.I.T.
We are the C.L.I.T.
None of you are safe.
Now tremble before
my remorseless leader.
I am the clit commander.
Terrifying.
Here to help us explain this footage...
is Federal Wildlife
Marshall Willenholly.
Marshall, thanks for joining us.
At this point, what can you tell us
about the C.L.I.T?
From the intelligence we've been
gathering, we've discovered...
that the C.L.I.T. Is actually
a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
The Liberate Apes Before
Imprisoning Apes movement.
Exactly.
The two men that you saw in the video
go by the obvious code names
of Jay and Silent Bob.
If anyone out there should come
across them or any other Clitties...
please exercise extreme caution.
I told you that restraining order
was a good idea.
What response do you hope to elicit...
by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.I. T?
It's a difficult situation.
You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T.
The wrong way.
Nights like this,
I miss dating a lesbian.
Is that your cell phone, sir?
Blavsky, give me a frigging break.
I'm on my way.
We've got them. They're in Utah.
Citizens of Utah, stimulation of
the C.L.I.T. Is not recommended.
Your plan worked.
The news is all about Jay
and Bob's Provasik break-in.
With almost no mention of
the diamond heist.
I told you those two
were the perfect patsies.
Don't you have any regret?
Jay and Bob don't deserve this.
They were really sweet.
The only thing I regret is not gutting
that trout-mouthed prick...
like a fish and playing twister
with his vitals.
I don't get you, Justice.
You used to be all about
this girl stuff.
Stealing, boning, blowing shit up.
Now you're this little priss
with a conscience.
It's really a drag.
We all have to grow up sometime.
If moping around over some boy
you've got a crush on is growing up...
then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos.
Marvelous Pizza coming through.
You the guys who ordered the pizza?
This dopey bitch ordered a large plain,
but I could go for some ht,
thick Sicilian.
No charge, lady.
Hurry.
I'm sorry, Jay.
Justice died trying to save this monkey
so maybe we should keep it around.
They way...
we could honor her memory.
Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?
And you were all scared we'd get busted
by the cops or something.
You know what I say?
Fuck the Police.
Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police!
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
Yo, fuck me!
This is the Utah State Police.
Boys, we know you're in there.
Come on out with your hands in the air
and surrender the orangutan.
Think they're talking about us?
Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire.
Who the hell are you?
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Is the monkey in there?
The ape.
What?
Orangutan is a member of
the great ape family.
It's not a monkey.
Who's the Federal Wildlife
Marshall here?
Me or you?
That's what thought.
Can I use your-
Jay and Silent Bob-
Your C.L.I.T. Doesn't stand a chance.
Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey
in there should hit the deck.
We are going to open fire.
What are you waiting for?
Get out there and give them the monkey.
Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab?
Maybe they experiment on them...
by making them fuck a bunch of
different good-looking monkeys?
We don't know.
You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.
Fuck, you're the guy
who makes the blueprints.
I don't have the fucking smarts of
a little...
kid.
Do not shoot!
We're just trying to take our son
out of this hostile environment.
Their son?
Maybe they're one of those gay couples?
Yeah, we're gay.
And this is our adopted love child.
We're not from around here.
Don't makes us go back to
our liberal city home...
with tales of prejudice
and bigotry from the heart of Utah.
This is the last thing I need.
Uppity homosexuals shooting
their mouths off to the...
liberal media that the Federal Wildlife
Office persecutes gays.
Are you fucking crazy?
They may be gay...
but that's not their son-
that's the ape!
I think I would recognize an ape
if I saw one.
And the only thing
I do recognize right now...
is a political fiasco that
I'm about to avoid...
by letting
this butt-fucking Brady bunch go.
You are free to leave, sirs.
Yes, you, sirs.
So we can just go?
Yes, sir.
Please accept my apology for
detaining you and your...
unorthodox but constitutionally
protected family unit.
Un-fucking-believable.
I might add, that is one fine
looking young boy you're raising.
That's because he's from my sperm.
K knocked up this hot,
woman friend of ours...
who fuck on the side so as not to be
all-the-way gay.
But my tubby husband-
He's one hundred percent queer.
He loves the cock.
He certainly looks insatiable.
Bye-bye.
It's not my way, but I'll be damned
if that isn't one happy family.
Alright, gang-let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner...
and when the guys come out
with the monkey-
Fuck beans!
That was them, wasn't it?
I said you love the cock.
I have to be the craftiest
mother fucker alive.
Flee, fat-ass, flee!
Head for the sewer!
You fat fuck!
Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous ass.
Suck it in. Think thin!
One rectal breach coming up.
Suck it in!
Incoming!
Just like Winnie the Pooh.
That was an incredibly daring escape.
Here's the deal.
You and your men stay up here.
When I corner him, I'll call for backup.
I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
You've taught me so much.
Fuck this asshole.
Let's go back to the station and
cornhole us a drunk.
Don't fuck your word...
I swear to God.
Put the monkey down and your hands up!
Let's go, misters.
You want to get shot?
I didn't think so.
She doesn't want to go back to the lab.
And for the record...
I ain't gay.
And for the record,
while we're on the subject...
I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
For one more record- he loves the cock.
On your knees, Texas Pete.
Let's go.
You see- he's lining us up like
fucking circus seals.
I'm going first.
I don't want a mouth full of
monkey spit...
if I gotta blow this G-man.
What are you talking about?
No one's gonna get blown here-
Shit!
These guys are good. Very good.
Hey, law-dog.
See you in Hell, cock-smoker.
Oh, Fuck me.
Get the fuck off her-
that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
Hey, that monkey don't belong to you.
Who the fuck just steals a monkey?
Oh, yeah.
This blows.
We have one more day to stop
these fucks from shooting this movie.
They took the one thing I had left
from the one woman I loved enough...
not to stick my hand down her pants.
Go after the monkey?
How do we know where that car is going?
Don't just point.
What, you gotta take a shit?
No, you gotta take a salad.
What the fuck are you trying to say?
Say it!
Don't make me ask twenty questions.
You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time...
but you can't spit out
"Jay, I disagree," or...
"those are some good cheese fries".
Just fucking say it!
The sign on the back of the car...
said "Critters of Hollywood"...
you dumb fuck!
Say it, don't spray it.
And might I add, that is
one fine-looking boy you are raising.
If it isn't the wildlife expert.
Your office faxed this over.
The guy said it was a post from
an internet chat board...
signed by a Jay & Silent Bob.
"All you mother fuckers are gonna pay."
"You are the ones who are ball lickers"
"We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry..."
"like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we're-"
They're going to Hollywood.
It's not like cheating.
Justice blew up.
Here's the plan.
First we find out
where they're shooting this movie.
And after we bust that shit up,
we can start looking for the monkey.
But before we do any of that,
we gotta find a mother fucker
in the know.
Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood.
Crack. Want some crack.
Get you high.
No, but do you want some weed?
Are you on the job?
Yeah. Jersey local 404.
Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305.
- What up?
- Man, it's a small world.
Let me ask you a question.
You dudes getting medical out
there in Jersey?
No.
We might have to strike in September.
Norma Rae like a mother fucker.
Maybe you can help us out?
You know where they're shooting
a movie around here?
You ask me a question like that
in Holly-weird?
You got to come a little
more specific than that.
It's a Miramax flick.
We gotta bust it up...
so people stop calling us names
on the internet...
even though they're not really
talking about us...
but characters based on us,
and at the same time...
find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed
in a car explosion, monkey.
Man, I don't know what the fuck
you just said, little kid...
but you're special.
You reached out...
and you touched a brother's gear.
I'm gonna give you some directions.
Give me the map, Scott.
Give me the map, Scott!
You know where Miramax is?
Miramax accounts for 78%
of my business out here.
Is Hollywood ready for
Jay and Silent Bob?
A source at a Federal Wildlife
Marshall's office tells us...
that a posting was pulled off
an internet movie chat board...
allegedly written by
the two domestic terrorists themselves.
It's sending a shock-wave
through Hollywood.
Jules Asner is on the scene at
Miramax Studios. Jules-
Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is
one of terror today...
after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's
Office has learned that...
hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob
have targeted Miramax studios...
for their next campaign of blood,
violence and monkey theft.
In a posting pulled off of Movie
Poop-Shoot. Com...
the gruesome two-some threatened,
and I quote...
"Once we get to Hollywood and find
those Miramax expletive deleted..."
"who are making the Bluntman &
Chronic movie..."
"we're gonna make them eat
our expletive deleted..."
"then eat their expletive deleted
which is made up of..."
"our expletive deleted that
we made them eat." Unquote.
So far we've been unable to
get a statement...
from anyone here at the Studio.
But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?
None whatsoever.
But to be fair, no one is a
hundred percent sure...
what Jay and Silent Bob
exactly look like...
so for all we know they could
already be on the lot.
OK, he's got a pass.
Let him in.
We gotta play this just right.
You don't have a pass!
I hate how fake Hollywood is.
Where do you think you're going?
Echo base, I've got a 1007-
Two unauthorized on the lot.
Requesting back-up.
I thought that was a 1082.
No, sir,
a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker...
from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Oh, that Affleck.
Back-up on the way.
I'll make you a deal.
This guy will suck your
dick off if you let us go.
Contrary to what you believe...
not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.
How about this deal?
He'll suck my dick while you
watch and jerk-off?
Alright.
Make it fast-and sexy.
It's either this or jail.
And you know
what they do to you in jail.
I was a guard.
And after it's all over you say,
"Ooh, what a lovely tea party."
What the fuck you waiting for, bitch?
Start sucking.
Worth a shot.
Like a shot in the fucking mouth,
you gay bitch.
Dude,
you were gonna really suck my dick.
Remember what I said.
Do not look at Ben or Matt directly
in the eyes or you will be fired.
Does everybody understand that?
Thank you.
You frosted your hair.
Yeah, I frosted my hair,
but it looks good.
This has got to be the Bluntman flick.
There are those two fucks
from the Mork movie.
Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face?
Lion face! Lemon face!
Break it down.
Where we taking it from, Gus?
I'm busy.
You're a true artist, Gus.
Let's just take it from
"it's a good course".
You're the director now?
Shove it, "Bounce"-boy.
Let's remember who talked who...
into doing this shit in the first place
Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing,
but-.
I'm sorry I dragged you away from
whatever gay serial killers...
who ride horses and like to play golf
touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.
I take it you haven't seen
"Forces Of Nature".
You're like a child.
What do I keep telling you?
You gotta do the safe picture-
then you do the art picture.
And then sometimes you have to
do the payback picture...
because your friend says you owe him.
Then sometimes you have to
go back to the well.
And then sometimes you do
"Reindeer Games."
That's just mean.
All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to them.
Get over here.
You stand here,
your buddy's right here.
Just stand here and react.
Don't say anything. Especially you.
That's pretty funny.
Lock it up, people,
we're going for picture.
Make it happen, guys.
- Get you fucking hands off me.
- Fuck off!
On the count of three,
we rush these fucks and...
beat the shit out of them,
because if they're all fucked up...
they can't make that movie.
Ready? One... two... three!
"Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season."
Scene 16 Take 5.
Think about the paycheck.
OK.
Action, Gus?
Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy.
I do remember the class.
But elementary.
I remember that class.
It was just between recess and lunch.
Are we gonna have a problem- again?
I was still just hoping you might
be able to give me a little insight...
into the Southern Colonies.
Wood says...
What did I say?
You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.
But you forget about Vickers.
No, I just read Vickers.
So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth".
But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant, young mind you once were...
just itching to vent your frustrations.
You stopped hitting the books
with a vengeance...
and now I've read shit you haven't
even heard about yet.
Face facts, my friend.
You're just no longer that good...
Will Hunting.
Now how do you like them apples?
I don't like the sound of them apples,
Will.
What're we gonna do?
- Chuckie-
- Yeah?
Chuckie- it's hunting season.
Apple sauce, bitch.
Sorry to interrupt, but we've
got a 1007 on our hands.
Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben?
Bullshit!
Cause I wasn't with a hooker today.
There they are!
Affleck,
you were the bomb in "Phantoms".
Alright, you bastard,
let's see who you really are.
Fucking Miramax! Cut!
Shannen, usually I say "Cut".
A monkey, Wes?
You guys aren't even trying anymore.
The market research
says people love monkeys.
We love this monkey.
See.
Here they are.
Punch it!
Fuck!
Those are some magical guys.
Dude, I fucking knew it.
You love that shit, don't you?
Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt.
Are you guys alright?
Let's get you guys on your feet.
Wait a second- aren't you the guy
that fucked the pie?
You see, man - you see!
It's never, "Hey, you were in
Loser, weren't you?"
Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls"
It always comes back to
that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it.
- You put your dick in a pie.
- Enough!
I'm Jason Biggs.
Did you really get to 3rd base with
that Russian chick like in the movie?
You mean Shannon?
No.
She is fucking fine.
If I was you, I would've been like-
You like that?
What, you never did one of these?
I've done plenty of that, my friend.
Holy shit, you're the Dawson.
James- James Van Der Beek.
What's up with Pacey stealing
Joey away from you?
If I was you, I would have
drowned his ass in the creek.
Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine.
Ever get to 3rd base with her?
There was this one time- Wait a minute,
who are you guys?
They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass.
- Right?
- Of course.
Stunt doubles for what?
For the move that we're shooting
in about fifteen minutes.
Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back.
You're doubling me, obviously,
I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill
- Bob.
- Right.
And he's playing Chronic.
A.K.A. Ray.
Jay. Fuck!
Biggs, did you even read the script?
There's a script?
Hey, pie-fucker,
you would only last a day on
"The Creek".
Wait second, we'll be right back.
Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack".
Go to hell, Pacey.
These are the fucks that are playing us
You take 'em out, bam!, no movie.
Useless little ape.
What's with the weird,
gay huddle going on over there?
Let me put my arm over yours.
What's gay about it?
It's two guys talking in a corner.
Why are you such a homophobe?
You're always like "That's gay,"
or "Look at that gay huddle..."
"look at that gay dog."
Dude, that is so gay-
Yeah, see.
- I love gay people.
- I'm sure you do.
Look at the monkey.
Now you're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.
How do you know
he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
He's so cute.
You go in there and start swinging,
don't stop until these young...
Hollywood fucks are out of commission.
Ready? Break!
That's one funky monkey.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.
There are two intruders on the lot.
They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.
Yeah, they're in here.
Do they have you held hostage?
Should we call your publicist?
No.
We kicked those guys assess bad.
Real bad.
Great job, sirs.
If you'll let us in,
we'll take over from here.
No,
me and Jason Biggs are naked in here.
Butt-naked. Together.
Okay. Well, we'll wait out here
until you clean up.
How are we gonna get out
without them seeing us?
You've got the wrong guys.
Doesn't anybody watch the WB?
I'm a teen idol, dammit!
Don't you recognize me?
Look at me.
I'm the pie-fucker!
In prison, he'll be the pie.
This was a good idea, lunch-box.
In these outfits...
we're totally incognito.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
Great, you've changed costumes already.
Let's get you to the set.
The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Look at all these crackers.
and I can't even get a black grip.
It's a shame. It's a damn shame!
Here's your coffee, sir.
- You spit in this?
- I didn't spit in it.
Any boogers in it?
There's no boogers in it, sir.
You went to film school, didn't you?
Must piss you off to see a black man
run a big production like this.
Go to the school.
Does your daddy know that
you give a nigger his coffee?
It would kill him, wouldn't it?
- There's no boogers in it, sir.
- Ten taste it!
Taste the booger flavor.
I know it's in there.
It's all good, sir.
No it ain't all good.
Clean that shit up.
Get me a white boy.
Get me a blond haired,
white boy so I can enjoy that shit.
- You're the man, sir.
- No, you're the man
and that's the problem.
Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards,
the creator of Bluntman & Chronic.
We met a few weeks back.
I'm the executive Producer.
Oh, you're the Executive Producer.
Why don't you executive produce me
a latte- de-crackernated.
Okay, Fuck it?
- It's Banky.
No, its' Fuck it!
I just want you to know that
I respect your work as an artist.
I 'm something of an artist myself.
I was the inker on the comic book.
You're a tracer, okay?
Nobody got the heart to tell you.
You trace.
You go around the lines.
You are a tracer!
You think Fat Alber had a tracer?
No.
Bill Cosby did the whole thing
with a roller.
And it was excellent.
Crack, crack, cracker?
Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set,
Chaka.
I don't see them!
Where are the stars of
this piece of shit?
Damn, this must've set them back
a couple hundred bucks.
Look at this.
A gay hood ornament
and the color purple.
Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck am I?
I'm the director, Chaka Luther King.
That's who the fuck I am.
Wait a second.
I though Banky and Holden
created this shit.
And I 'm stealing it.
I'm taking it back for the black man...
to make up for all the shit you
mother fuckers have taken from us.
Do you know that I came up for
the idea for "Sesame Street"?
I came up with it before PBS.
The white man stole it.
I was gonna call it
NWP- Niggers With Puppets.
Catchy, ain't it?
Enough of this small talk.
Let's shoot.
Aren't you gonna direct us?
I will start directing you to the
unemployment line...
if you don't stop back-talking me,
cracker.
We don't know what we're doing.
We didn't read the script.
It ain't hard.
I film the mother fucker.
Then I yell "Cut!"
And run the fuck out of here
and go to my trailer...
cause I got more white girls there than
the first lifeboat on the Titanic.
And they all want a party in my movie,
and I got just the part for me.
So are you ready to do this?
Let's roll with the new.
Quiet on the set, everyone.
I got your new coffee sir, booger-free.
You guys look pretty bad-ass.
"Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back",
scene 37, take 1.
What're you waiting for?
Action!
Um... snoochy-boochies.
What the fuck?
You thought I'd never find
your precious Bluntcave...
did you, Hemp Knight?
But now, you and your sidekick...
are finally
in the grasp of Cock-Knocker!
Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
Actually,
there's a funny story behind that.
You're gonna love it.
True story.
Avenge me... Hemp-Knight.
I think George Lucas
is gonna sue somebody.
Any last words before I bust
your balls, Bluntman?
Duck, pie-fucker.
Damn, these white boys can't fight.
Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son.
Yo! Bitch-fists!
Call me Darth-balls.
Good Lord.
That wasn't in the script.
So this is Hollywood?
Then lights, camera, action,
Jay and Silent Bob.
Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!
...My God...
Sorry, everyone.
That was supposed to be a warning shot.
I'm obviously on the wrong set.
Is he gonna be okay?
Not good.
You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.
This movie's gonna make "House Party"
look like "House Party 2".
- Or "House Party 3".
- Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.
Chaka, call off Dawson, will you?
Can I get a "cut!" here?
Not again.
Now who's balls have been busted, bitch
That's it! I'm out of here.
Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.
What the fuck?
The C.L.I.T. Stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob.
Another white boy in this movie? Damn!
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Everyone stay cool.
Go back to making your adult movie.
These men are the leaders of
a terrorist organization...
wanted for the abduction of
a little monkey.
They didn't really steal that monkey.
It was just a diversion so
that we could steal these.
And they're not the leaders of
the C.L.I.T.
The C.L.I.T. Is not real.
Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real.
It's real.
It's the female orgasm- that's the myth
You know what I 'm talking about?
Are you guys alright?
I thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck.
You remembered.
It was a frame-up, Jay.
Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I
are international jewel thieves.
We were setting you up to be a patsy...
but I couldn't go through with it
because I...
because I love you.
Yeah?
That means you're gonna fuck me, right?
Of course.
If she does
it'll be considered necrophilia.
Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
Jussy, did we get you at a bad time?
You should've just let these guys
go down.
I wanted to go down,
but this angel popped on my shoulder...
and said "Listen" and I was like
"What's up?"
Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
where you stand...
in you pansy red booties.
Holy shit,
I am wearing pansy red booties.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me?
Let's have those diamonds, Justice.
I can't do that, Sissy.
Then lover-boy gets one
in the fucking brain.
Yo! Lovely ladies!
Would any of you like
a private audition to be in my movie.
Bring that ass over. C'mon!
Cray crackers with guns.
Time to get my black ass outta here.
You really let me down, Justice.
Throwing it all away for a little
stoner with bad pronunciation.
What's it gonna be, Sissy?
Which fighting style do you want me
to kick your ass in?
Are you kidding me?
I taught you all your moves myself.
There's no style you can bust
that I can't defend against.
You're no match for my Shaolin Monk.
But I'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.
A little Venus Fly-trap?
I'll counter with Dragon Queen.
How about a little "Bitch, my man
ain't your baby's daddy"?
Bring it on.
I hope one of them rips off
the other one's shirt...
and we see some titties flopping
around in the air.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
I just wanted to say hi. I'm-
Banky-fucking Edwards!
Just the mother fucker we came to see.
What the fuck are you guys doing here?
Why the hell are you shooting at me?
Two reasons.
One- we're walking-taking
bad girl clichs.
And two- because you're a man!
Only on the outside.
Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
All these assholes on the internet
are calling us names...
because of this fucking stupid movie.
That's what the internet is for-
slandering others anonymously.
Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that.
This isn't fair.
We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.
We stole a monkey, we got shot at...
and I got punched
in the motherfucking nuts...
by a guy named Cock-knocker.
I feel for you boys, I really do.
But Miramax - you know, Miramax films...
paid me a shitload of money for
Bluntman & Chronic.
So it occurs to me that people
bad-mouthing you on a website...
is none of my fucking concern!
Oh, but I think it is.
We had a deal with you on the comics-
for likeness rights?
And as we're not only
the artistic basis
but also the character basis...
for your intellectual property,
Bluntman & Chronic...
when said property was optioned
by Miramax films...
you were legally obliged to
secure our permission...
to transfer the concept
to another medium.
As you failed to do that, Banky...
you are in breach of
the original contract.
Ergo, you find yourself...
in a very actionable position.
You guys are gonna ruin my movie career
We want something
for our mental anguish.
Tell you what-
we'll settle this monetarily.
I'll give you half of what I make.
Half?
Half's not good enough?
Fine. I'll give you two thirds.
Fuck you, you already said half.
You can't take it back.
Done.
Your shit is so tired, Justice.
Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch!
Hello? Truce?
I think I killed both of them.
I am an excellent marksman.
I've always-
C'mon, you guys, it's over.
Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck?
I was just about to jump in
and get your back.
The cops!
We gotta get out of here.
I'm tired of running.
Marshall... are you awake?
Wake up.
My God! I'm paralyzed.
That monkey shot me in the ass
and paralyzed me.
Oh, sweet irony!
You're not paralyzed.
It was just a tranquilizer.
Jesus.
Tranqued by a little monkey.
My friends in the Bureau will
never let me hear the end of this.
You have friends in the FBI?
They all made it in
but I failed the exam.
Why else do you think I became a
Federal Wildlife Marshall?
I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke!
Maybe not.
I can make you a deal
that'll get you into the FBI...
regardless of test scores.
What kind of deal?
You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob...
and say you never found the ape.
In exchange I will give you
the diamonds we stole...
and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy and myself.
But I want a reduced sentence.
You'd be willing to do that?
For him, I'd be willing to do anything.
I'm a international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.
That's alright.
I'm a junkie with a monkey.
If I go to prison will you wait for me?
I don't know.
Will you fuck me when you get out?
Don't change the subject.
Will we fuck when you get out?
Snoogens.
There's a lot of love in the room.
Regardless of what you may here heard,
I do not kiss guys.
Okay.
Play it cool, hotshot.
Sorry, Justice. We have to go.
And stop stealing monkeys.
- Fuck you!
- Fair enough.
Wait for me.
What? Here?
Well, boys- you're rich, in love-
You're in love-
And to top it off
you've got your own monkey.
What more could two guys from
Jersey possibly want?
To have these fucks stop talking
shit about us on the internet.
What've I been telling you?
There's not much you can do
to stop that.
Short of showing up at their house
and beating the shit out of them.
All the money we're making could
buy a lot of plane tickets.
Yeah?
Do you post as Magnolia Fan
on Movie Poop Shoot. Com?
Yeah!
Did you write
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob."
"Fuck them in their stupid asses"?
Yeah, a while ago. So?
On Movie Poop Shoot.com did
you say Jay and Silent Bob are...
quote, "fucking clown shoes
and if they were real...
"I'd kick the shit out of them for
being so stupid"?
- Yeah.
- Really?
That's right. That's it.
Right. That's right.
That's beautiful, man.
That was worse than Clash Of The Titans
I can't believe Judy Dench played me.
Remind me to renew
that Restraining Order.
Why?
I am gonna blast that
flick on the internet tonight.
Why can't Hollywood ever makes
a decent comic book movie?
Tell me, Steve-Dave.
Would you stop saying that?
That was just another paean
to male adolescence...
and its refusal to grow up.
Yeah, sis,
but it was better than Mall Rats.
At least Holden had the good
sense to keep his name off of it.
Why wouldn't Miramax option his
other comic instead?
The one with you and him
and your relationship.
Chasing Amy?
That would never work as a movie.
I'm so fucking embarrassed.
Honey, you should be.
They took your characters...
and turned them into one
It was like watching Batman
and Robin again.
Thank, that means a lot coming from
the guy who pretends be "Shaft"...
as opposed to the guy who takes shaft.
I don't hear you complaining nightly.
I don't get out to the movies much,
but I have to say...
Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic.
Are these leg cuffs really necessary?
Don't make me shoot you, Justice.
The party's across the street featuring
the greatest band in the world...
Morris Day and the Time.
I...
I... I been watching you.
I think I want to know you.
I said... Im a little dangerous.
Girl I'd love to show you...
my jungle love.
I'd be like, "What, you don't know
fucking Jay and Silent Bob...
the fucking mack-daddies of
fucking Jersey"?
And she'd be like "Oh, I read on
the internet that you guys..."
"are a couple of little fuck-holes!"
I got a bear skinned rug.
Y'all sing it.
I got a fireplace. I can't hear you.
We're all the way live in L.A.
Oh, the things I could do to you.
stay while mommy picks up free cheese.
This will keep the sun out of your eyes
Be good.
Don't you fucking move,
you little shit machine.
Mama's gonna try to score.
Excuse me, who's watching these babies?
The fat one's watching the little one?
Nice parenting.
Leave them out here like that
and see what happens.
Fuck you, you fucking square!
Yeah, keep on trucking.
Did you hear the fucking guy tell me
how to fucking raise you?
What a fucker man.
Who does he think he fucking is?
What's the worst
that could fucking happen to you
standing in front of a store?
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck-
mother-motherfuck-fuck.
Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch,
no inch, no inch.
One, two, one-two-three-four.
No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch,
Smoking weed, smoking weed,
doing coke, drinking beers.
Drinking beers, beers, beers.
Rolling fatties, smoking blunts.
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.
Let me have a nickel bag.
Fifteen bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.
If that money doesn't show,
then you owe me, owe me, owe.
My Jungle Love.
Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!
I think I want to know you, know you.
What the hell are you singing?
You don't know "Jungle Love"?
That shit is the mad notes.
Written by God herself...
and handed down to
the greatest band in the world.
The motherfucking Time.
You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
Yeah, "Purple Rain."
That shit was so gay.
Fucking 80's style.
Don't never say an unkind word
about "The Time".
Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives...
around Morris Day and Jerome.
I'm a smooth pimp
who loves the pussy...
and tubby here is my black man-servant.
What?
What did tell you two about
dealing in front of the store?
Drop the kid and pedal your
wares someplace else, burn-boy.
And for the record,
"The Time" sucked ass.
Want to hear something fucked up
about him and that Quick-Stop boy?
Are you supposed to be here today?
Don't get me started.
Can't we do something
about those two stoners...
hanging around outside
the store all the time?
Why? What did they do now?
I'm trying to watch
"Clash Of The Titans"
and all I can hear is...
those two screaming about
Morris Day at the top of their lungs.
I thought the fat one
didn't talk that much.
What, am I producing
an A & E biography about them?
Two packs of wraps.
How is the service?
What service?
The one at the Unitarian Church
last week...
where you two got married to each other
What the hell are you talking about?
Jay said you guys had a
"Star Wars" theme wedding...
and you tied the knot
dressed like Storm Troopers.
And he says you're the bitch
and you're butch.
I'm the bitch?
If we were gay,
that's the way I'd see it.
Will you shut up?
Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over.
That does it.
I am gonna do something about
these two stoner fucks...
I should've done a long time ago.
What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?
We got a report of two guys hanging
around a store selling pot.
We don't smoke pot.
No pot? What do you use this for?
I have a wiping problem,
I stick those little pieces of paper...
over my brown eye and bam!
- No shit stains on my undies.
You don't believe me? I'll show you.
Check this out.
Just spread my cheeks and
you can see the stink nuggets.
Pull up your fucking pants, sir.
Now!
Let's go.
We're going down to the station.
What, is it a crime to fart?
Motherfucker
No fucking way!
Dante and Randal slapped you
with a restraining order?
Ain't that about a bitch?
Are you gonna abide by
the court's ruling...
or are you gonna go bandit,
Reynold's style?
Judge said if we go within
a hundred feet of the store...
we get thrown into County.
You know what they make you do
in County?
Toss the salad.
If you guys really wanted to hang out
in front of a convenience store...
you could buy your own with all that
money you guys made.
Hell, yeah, bitch.
Wait a second-what money?
The money from the Bluntman
And Chronic movie.
Oh my God,
don't tell me you have no idea...
that there's a movie being made of
the comic...
you two were the basis for?
What? Since when?
Here's the pulse.
And this is your finger...
far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your ass.
Would you like
a chocolate covered pretzel?
If you read Wizard, you'd know
that it's the top story this month.
Check it out.
When the fuck did this happen?
After-X-Men hit at the box office...
all the studios started buying
every comic property...
they could get their dirty
little hands on.
Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic.
Miramax?
I thought
they only made classy pictures...
like The Piano, or The Crying Game.
Once they made She's All That,
everything went to hell.
You're saying you haven't gotten
a monetary cut of the movie?
Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards...
used to pay you likeness rights
for the comic book?
We haven't seen a fucking dime
for no movie.
I'm no lawyer,
but I think Holden and Banky...
owe you some of that proverbial
"fat cash".
If I was you guys,
I'd find Holden McNeil...
and ask for my movie check.
Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid!
And on that note, we cue the music.
Look at these morose motherfuckers
right here.
Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bunngg!
Come on in.
What brings you two dirt merchants
to my neck of the woods?
I'll tell you what our necks are
doing in your woods.
Where's our motherfucking movie check?
You heard about that, huh?
I got nothing to do with it.
That's Banky's deal.
He owns the property now.
I sold my half of the Bluntman and
Chronic rights to him years ago.
Why the fuck would you do
a thing like that?
Why in Gods' name would I want to
keep writing about characters...
whose central preoccupation is weed
and dick and fart jokes.
You gotta grow, man.
Don't you want anything more
for yourself?
I know this poor hapless son of
a bitch does.
I look into his sorry, doe eyes and
I see a man crying out.
He's crying out "When, Lord?"
When the fuck can your servant...
ditch this foul mouthed
little chucklehead...
to whom I am a constant victim of
his folly.
So much so that it prevents me
from ever getting a girl.
Fuck! When, Lord, when?
When's gonna be my time?
He knows.
I'm the chucklehead?
You're the fucking dumb ass...
who gave your comic away.
Now you don't get no
fucking movie check neither.
When you're right, you're right.
I wish I'd held on to a little piece
of that thing because...
if the buzz is any sign, that movie's
gonna make some huge bank.
What buzz?
The internet buzz.
What the fuck is the internet?
The internet is a communications
tool used the world over...
where people can come together
to bitch about movies...
and share pornography.
Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com.
Poop shoot, yeah.
This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs.
Sad, pathetic little bastards living
in their parents' basement...
downloading scripts and what
they think is inside information...
about movies and actors that
they claim to despise yet...
can't stop discussing.
Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic.
"Inside sources tell me Miramax is
starting production this Friday..."
"on their adaptation of underground
comic fav Bluntman & Chronic."
Friday? Shit.
Does it say who's playing us
in the movie?
No, but it's Miramax,
so I'm sure
it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
They put them in a bunch of movies.
Who?
Those kids from "Good Will Hunting".
You mean that fucking movie
with Mork from Ork in it?
I wasn't a big fan either.
But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Word, bitch.
"Phantoms" was a motherfucker!
Here we go.
This is the shoot back section.
This is where the people get to
chime in with their two cents.
Here's a guy with
the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"...
opining on what he thinks about
Bluntman & Chronic.
He says...
"Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid
alter egos Jay & Silent Bob...
"only work in small doses, if at all."
"They don't deserve their own movie."
He's got a point.
Fuck him. What's the next one say?
This is entitled
"Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses".
"Bluntman & Chronic is the
worst comic I ever read."
"Jay & Silent Bob
are stupid characters."
"A couple of stoners who spout
dumb ass catch phrases..."
"like a third rate Cheech & Chong,
or Bill & Ted."
"Fuck Jay & Silent Bob!
Fuck them up their stupid asses!"
Who the fuck said that shit?
He calls himself Magnolia Fan.
Check this one out.
"Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes
that only stoners laugh at."
"They are fucking clown shoes."
"If they were real I'd beat the shit
out of them for being so stupid."
"I will be boycotting this movie.
Who is with me?"
Then there's fifty more posts
of people...
who are joining this guy's boycott.
I'm gonna kill all these fucks.
Let it go.
They're not talking about you guys.
They're talking about
Bluntman & Chronic.
But they said Jay & Silent Bob.
They used our real names.
It doesn't matter
if there's a comic version...
because no one knows we're real
in real life.
And all the people reading that
shit think the real Jay & Silent Bob...
are a couple of jerk-offs
because of what these dick-heads...
are writing about
the comic Jay & Silent Bob.
Maybe one night me and lunch-box
are making some chick and she says...
"Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off.
What're your names?"
And I say
"Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize."
And she says
"I read on the internet that..."
"you guys were a couple of
little fucking jerk-offs."
And then she goes and sucks
two other guys dicks off instead.
Fuck that!
We got to put a stop to
these fucking hateful...
sons of bitches before they ruin
our good names.
First of all, I don't know
how good your names are...
and second, there's not much you can do
about stopping this bile.
The internet has given everyone
in America a voice...
and everyone in America
has chosen to use that voice...
to bitch about movies.
As long as
there's Bluntman & Chronic movie...
the net nerds are gonna have
something negative to say.
Wait a second.
If there wasn't
a Bluntman & Chronic movie...
then those fuckers wouldn't be saying
shit about Jay & Silent Bob.
They're not saying anything
about you now.
They're talking
about fictional characters.
Fictional characters.
Am I getting through to you at all?
So all we gotta do is stop
the fucking movie from getting made.
And forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars...
that you two would be entitled to
in the process.
Are you fucking retarded?
I don't think I'm alone in the world...
Greedo shooting first.
A Jay & Silent Bob movie?
Who'd pay to see that?
But, since it appears inevitable,
I recommend that you...
go hunt Banky down and get
your mother fucking movie check...
as you succinctly put it,
because that's what's important, right?
No, Holden McNeil.
The important thing here
is a bunch of mother fuckers...
we don't even know calling us
assholes on the internet...
to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.
Putting a stop to that is the most
important thing we could ever do.
When is this movie getting made?
They start this Friday.
So, if today is Tuesday,
that gives us...
eight days.
Three by my count, but close.
My bad.
Three days to stop that fucking
stupid movie from getting made.
C'mon, Silent Bob-
we're going to Hollywood.
Tickets?
Since when did they start charging
for the bus?
Didn't we used to ride that shit to
school every morning for free?
This sucks balls, man.
How come we ain't getting no rides?
Because you're doing it all wrong.
You gotta give
the driver a little incentive.
Like how?
Like this.
But what happens when they pick
you up and you don't...
make with the head?
Don't they kick your ass to the curb?
Sure, if you don't make with the head.
Yeah. If it'll get me a couple
hundred miles across the country...
I'll take a shot in the mouth.
But we ain't gay.
Don't be so suburban.
It's the new millennium.
Gay, straight- it's all the same now.
There are no more lines.
There's a line,
and on the side of it we ain't gay.
All the hitchers do this.
Why do you think people pick us up?
If you get a ride, it's expected.
I don't care who the driver is.
It's the first rule in the book.
What book?
The unwritten book of the road.
Follow the rules of the book...
and you'll get
where you're going in no time.
Excuse me.
You both don't have to sit back there.
Why doesn't one of you come sit
next to me?
Where are you boys from?
New Jersey.
But we're on our way to Hollywood.
Hollywood, huh? That's far away.
Thank God you picked us up.
Do unto others-
that's what the book says.
Wait a second- you follow the book too?
I live my life by it.
- You?
- Of course.
So you live by the book, too?
You picked us up, didn't you?
I have to.
That's good to hear...
but it's a lot easier to say
you live by the book...
than to actually do it.
Can you do it?
All right.
I can't believe this shit.
Five hours and not a single ride.
Every day people hitch to Hollywood...
but when you and me try it's like
we're trapped in a fucking cartoon.
Zoinks.
Now we can finally solve the mystery
of the hitchhiking ghouls.
Pull off their masks and let's see
who they really are.
I don't think they are masks.
And I don't think
they're hitchhiking girls, either.
Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls.
I wish they were hitchhiking girl.
Sexy, hitchhiking girls.
Let's kick them out.
We have a mystery to solve.
The only mystery here is
why we take our cues...
from a dick in a neckerchief.
Keep it up, beatnik.
I'll feed you to the fucking dog.
I can't take all this fighting.
You guys need to turn those
frowns upside down.
And I got just the thing for that.
We call it...
doobie snacks.
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
I think they passed out.
Great. What do we do with them now?
Let's cut out their kidneys
and sell them on the black market...
and leave them in
a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
You see something?
Anything?
I had a horrible dream.
Man, I'm hungry.
Where can we get some breakfast?
Yeah.
Check that shit out.
The internet.
Let's see if those fucks wrote
something new about us...
or that stupid-ass flick.
"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob
are gonna lick balls..."
"because they both, in fact,
lick balls."
Mother fucker.
It's time we wrote something back.
Type this shit down.
All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.
You are the ones
who are the ball lickers.
We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry...
like little whiny bitches.
One we get to Hollywood...
and find those Miramax fucks
who are making the movie...
we're gonna make them eat our shit-
then shit out our shit...
and eat their shit that's made up
of our shit that we make them eat.
And then all you mother fucks are next.
Love, Jay & Silent Bob.
That'll show those fucks.
Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin
then get back on the road,
go to Hollywood and stop those fucks...
from making that movie.
No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs.
We keep our eye on the prize.
And let nothing...
and I mean nothing distract us.
Holy shit!
Oh, my God.
Do you get free refills with that?
This? No, I use this for protection.
So that no guys try to grab my shit
or anything.
Hi, I'm Justice.
And I am so fucking yours.
I mean- hi, I'm Jay.
And this is my hetero life-mate,
Silent Bob.
It's nice to meet you.
Justice, huh? That's a nice name.
Jay and Justice sitting in a tree...
f-u-c-k-i-n-g.
So you come around here often?
I'm not from around here.
My friends and I are on a road trip.
Friends, huh?
Where are they at?
Out there by that van.
Hi.
Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
Ladies, ladies, ladies -
Jay and Silent Bob are in the house.
Who the fuck are these guys?
This is Jay and Silent Bob.
Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy.
Where the fuck did they come from?
I met them inside.
They're gonna hitch a ride.
I don't know if that's such a good idea
Sure it is, Jugs.
Oh, my God!
He just called Sissy "Jugs".
- I'm on it.
- Chrissy, no!
We're in the middle of suburbia.
Let's try and act like it.
What's with the knife?
We having cake or something?
Shit.
He's retarded to boot.
She called you retarded.
What is wrong with you, Justice?
You do remember where
we're going, don't you?
And we have a job to do.
They're just gonna tag along for
a few miles.
They won't get in the way, I swear.
I swear I don't know what's going on
in your fucking brain lately.
Please?
Fine, they can ride with us.
But they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.
Honest injun.
- Honest injun.
- Shut up.
I can't believe what a pushover you are
And I can't believe fine-ass
bitches like yourself eat that shit.
Don't you know fast food
makes girls fart?
What's all this talk about farting?
Hi, Brent.
This is Brent. He's with us, too.
Brent, tell these sillies that
girls don't fart.
Of course they don't.
Only skeevy stoners fart.
What up, homies?
Wow, three guys, four girls.
What's the count, boys?
Let's rock.
Dear Mr. Science guy...
don't spray that aerosol in my eye.
I don't really want to die.
I'm a noble rabbit.
What are you guys,
a cover band or something?
We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC-
Students Against Animal Cruelty.
We're on our way to Colorado to give
Provasik a piece of our minds.
What the fuck
are you bitches babbling about?
Hey! Watch the language, little boy.
There are females present.
Provasik Pharmaceuticals is
a medical lab where they perform...
gross experiments on animals.
What kind of animals
are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos?
No!
More like dogs, cats, rabbits,
muskrats, beavers.
Heck, even monkeys.
If we don't speak up for them, who will?
Right, Jussy?
Right, Brent.
Brent, can I talk to you over here
for a second?
Be honest, you're down with this
for the fine-ass pussy, right?
I'm down with this
because I love animals, stupid.
Even sheep?
Of course.
Sheep are beautiful creatures.
They are beautiful, aren't they?
Oh God, yes.
So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?
What is your damage, little boy?
You have a sick
and twisted world perspective.
You're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.
I mean if you were another sheep.
Would you fuck a sheep
if you were another sheep?
Since you put it that way...
you bet your ass I would.
I thought so.
This mother fucker ain't one of us.
He said he'd fuck a sheep.
Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep fucker?
- What the fuck are we gonna do?
- Shut up, I'm thinking.
Is Hollywood near where we're going?
Is that where you guys are from?
Yeah, right.
Jersey represent.
Oh, a Jersey boy.
What brings you all the way out here?
We couldn't hang around
the Quick-Stop no more...
because of the restraining order.
Which sucks ass...
because it's been mine and Silent Bob's
home since we were kinds.
Silent Bob even busted his cherry there
You did?
I bet she was a lucky girl.
Fuck that fat fuck!
I'm trying to tell a story.
Sorry.
We were talking to Brodie...
and he told us about
the Bluntman & Chronic movie...
so we went to see Holden McNeil
and he showed us the internet...
and that's where we found all
those little fucking jerk-offs...
talking shit about us.
So we decided to go to Hollywood...
and stop the movie from getting made.
And now we're here.
I have no idea what you just said.
I get that a lot.
So, you like animals, huh?
Sure.
That's cool. Even snakes?
You can't exclude an animal just
because they're not cuddly.
Of course I like snakes.
How about trouser snakes?
What's a trouser snake?
What the fuck are you waiting for.
She went for the set-up...
reach in your pants
and pull your cock out, bitch.
Girls like that kind of shit.
Right here is where the angel
is supposed to show up...
and tell you not to pull your dick out,
but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker
and sent him packing...
so it's smooth sailing.
Let him rip, boy.
"Jesus loves the little children".
Sorry I'm late.
What's the deal?
Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking
of whipping your dick out...
at this fine piece of woman, are you?
Look over at Silent Bob and
see if he thinks it's a good idea...
to whip your dick out.
That's it. Put the dick down.
You got to go from heart.
No little perv bullshit is gonna work
for this one.
Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch.
I gotta go beat the shit out of
two sucker punching little bitches.
Remember- don't pull your dick out
until she asks.
Or until she's sleeping.
Don't ask.
So what can a smooth pimp-daddy
like me...
do to help the animals?
You really don't want to help us.
What are you talking about?
Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.
I mean youse guys-
I 'd do anything for youse guys.
Because of the lift and shit.
Okay. Let me talk to the other girls
and get back to you.
You do that.
I'll be right here waiting.
Fuck you, fatty.
You guys want anything from inside?
No, we're cool.
It just isn't the same, is it?
This place licks balls compared to
the Quick-Stop.
Speaking of licking balls-
how about that Justice chick?
She is too fine.
And she smells so fucking pretty.
She has a nice voice, too.
And that body!
Fucking smoking.
She didn't tell me to fuck off once
when I was talking to her...
or pull out the pepper spray.
You know,
lunch box-she could be the one.
- Smooth move, Justice.
- Nice going, four eyes.
Why did you let that stoner throw Brent
out of the van?
If I had to listen to one more of
those stupid songs...
I was gonna throw him out myself.
We needed Brent.
He was our patsy, remember?
We'll just find someone else.
Besides, I didn't see you try to
stop Jay from throwing him out.
I didn't want to blow our cover.
Cover? You all hated his songs, too.
Not as much as I hate you.
We have a very simple gang.
I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn
and Missy's the tech girl.
But lately I'm can't figure out
what you're doing here.
Your name doesn't even fit
the rhyme scheme.
Since you let our patsy slip away...
you have to convince the little kid
and the fat guy to take his place.
They've gotta break into Provasik now.
You'll do it or you're out of the gang.
Just use the little one's crush on you
to convince him...
since he's so fucking in love with you.
Jay? No, he's not.
Am I blind?
He wasn't kissing your hand
in the van...
like he was Lord Byron?
Maybe he has manners?
You ever had your asshole licked
by a fat man in an overcoat?
We've got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.
That'll give you plenty of time
to work on him.
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Why the fuck not?
Because he's just so innocent.
Look at him.
Who's it gonna be?
Him or us?
Steal a monkey? No problem.
It's not stealing a monkey.
It's liberating it. It's-
Wait a second.
Did you say "no problem"?
Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time.
Right, lunch-box?
It's not like it's a bad thing.
It's for a good cause.
It's for the best cause, mon cheri.
The cause of love.
Snoogens.
What the heck is that?
- What?
- Snoogens, I believe.
What the fuck do you think it means?
It means I'm kidding.
That's too bad.
I can't believe I'm gonna get some
pussy for stealing a monkey.
If I'd known that earlier...
I'd have been stealing monkeys
since I was seven.
Don't, mother fucker-
don't you ruin this for me.
Me and Justice
are gonna get married some day...
so don't be giving me no look like
we ain't gonna steal the monkey.
I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch!
Don't forget that.
That girl- that girl is in love with me
They're gonna do it.
Good.
They do their part and we'll do ours.
Remember- we meet back here
when you're done.
Are you sure you're okay with this?
Sure as I am that you're the hottest
bitch I've ever seen.
Easy...
What's twisting this bitch's tit?
Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.
They don't?
How about "fine piece of ass"?
How about not.
What the fuck am I supposed
to call you?
Something sweet, you big goof.
Something nice.
Boo-boo kitty fuck?
Okay, that's a start.
Jay, before you go...
could you say something into the camera
about the clitoris?
- You are such a bitch!
- Shut up, Justice.
She's a little embarrassed.
We're making a documentary for
a human sexuality class...
and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.
The female clitoris?
Yeah.
Jay, you don't have to do this.
It's cool.
There's a few things
I could say about the clit...
that I'd like you to hear.
I am the master of the clit.
Remember this fucking face.
Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this fucking face.
I make that shit work.
No one rules the clit like me.
Not this little fuck.
None of you little fucks out there.
I am the clit commander.
When it comes down
to business this is what I do.
I pinch it like this-
Oh, you little fuck.
And then I rub my nose-
Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
I will.
Girls.
Do you think I could get a little kiss
for good luck?
Do you think I could get
a little blow job for good luck?
No. Go.
Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker.
Jussy, come on.
- Are they in?
- You could say that.
Time to shine. Let's go.
You are so gay.
Once we get upstairs
I want complete silence.
Missy whipped this up-
it counts our decibel level.
If it goes into the red- alarm,
we're dead.
So that means not even
the slightest noise, you got that?
Got it.
Justice, move your ass.
Check this shit out, lunch-box.
Animal tranquilizers.
This shit fucks you up- like percosets.
Keep this, so later me and Justice
can shoot each other with it...
and fuck like stoned test-bunnies.
Suzanne.
Boo-yah.
Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!
Boom-box.
I can't believe it.
Months of planning...
and it's all blown by a fart.
We can't just leave them here.
That alarm will bring the cops
any minute.
That's always been the plan.
They take the heat off us long enough
'til we can get out of town.
Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks.
Let's go!
What are you looking at?
There ain't no snacks here.
We got what we came for.
Let's get outta here.
I know it's sad.
But what are we supposed
to do about it?
Justice, open the door!
Oh, shit!
Drop the bag-now!!!
Justice!
You mind if I lean that there?
My, oh my, oh my.
Who let the cats out?
Wait-is that-??
Excuse me, who the hell are you?
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
This investigation is now
under my jurisdiction.
Really? Why is that?
Because someone let a whole mess of
animals out of their cages, sir.
We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic used...
to call attention away from
the real heist at the Diamond Exchange.
Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.
Sounds more like something out of
a bad movie.
The Provasik people say
they've rounded up all their animals...
except for one-an orangutan.
The most dangerous animal known to man.
Sir,
this was just delivered to the station.
What is it?
It's a tape from the terrorists who
claim responsibility for the break-in.
Do you have a VCR?
I am the clit commander.
Oh, my God!
Blafsky, it's Willenholly.
I need you to get me on
the national news, pronto.
Why?
Because we may be dealing with...
the two most dangerous men on
the planet.
This is Jussy's monkey.
Justice died for you,
you little monkey fuck!
Do something, tons of fun.
Is that thing waving at us?
It understood us.
Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey?
You're my bitch!
You get my back.
Don't go taking
this fucking chimp's side.
What if there are more
super monkeys up at that lab?
Maybe they're making an army of
them up there?
Holy shit!
Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files"...
Roswell style?
This little monkey can be
the fucking damn dirty apes
responsible for fall of
the human race
and this world got mad
we won't spank the monkey
The monkey will spank us.
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Eaten alive.
Then these monkey fucks
will start wearing our clothes...
and rebuilding the world in their image
And only those...
as super smart will be left a live...
You maniacs!
Damn youse!
God damn youse all to hell!
Not on my watch, mother fucker.
Die, you super-monkey fuck!
Alright, you can live. For now.
You see that shit. Bitches love me.
Let's get something to eat.
We ain't hiding in the woods no more.
We gotta get to Hollywood.
Besides, we're in the clear.
It's not like anyone knows
we stole the monkey.
I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive
News Now bulletin.
A Provasik animal testing facility
in Boulder was the focus of an attack
by a terroristic primate rescue
syndicate calling themselves...
The Coalition for Liberation of
Itinerant Tree Dwellers...
or simply C.L.I.T.
In a videotape sent to
authorities this morning...
credit for the liberation of
an orangutan from the lab last night...
is taken by these men, identified
in literature that accompanied the tape
as Jay and Silent Bob.
In this chilling clip, they make it
very clear that they...
are in control... of the C.L.I.T.
We are the C.L.I.T.
None of you are safe.
Now tremble before
my remorseless leader.
I am the clit commander.
Terrifying.
Here to help us explain this footage...
is Federal Wildlife
Marshall Willenholly.
Marshall, thanks for joining us.
At this point, what can you tell us
about the C.L.I.T?
From the intelligence we've been
gathering, we've discovered...
that the C.L.I.T. Is actually
a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
The Liberate Apes Before
Imprisoning Apes movement.
Exactly.
The two men that you saw in the video
go by the obvious code names
of Jay and Silent Bob.
If anyone out there should come
across them or any other Clitties...
please exercise extreme caution.
I told you that restraining order
was a good idea.
What response do you hope to elicit...
by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.I. T?
It's a difficult situation.
You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T.
The wrong way.
Nights like this,
I miss dating a lesbian.
Is that your cell phone, sir?
Blavsky, give me a frigging break.
I'm on my way.
We've got them. They're in Utah.
Citizens of Utah, stimulation of
the C.L.I.T. Is not recommended.
Your plan worked.
The news is all about Jay
and Bob's Provasik break-in.
With almost no mention of
the diamond heist.
I told you those two
were the perfect patsies.
Don't you have any regret?
Jay and Bob don't deserve this.
They were really sweet.
The only thing I regret is not gutting
that trout-mouthed prick...
like a fish and playing twister
with his vitals.
I don't get you, Justice.
You used to be all about
this girl stuff.
Stealing, boning, blowing shit up.
Now you're this little priss
with a conscience.
It's really a drag.
We all have to grow up sometime.
If moping around over some boy
you've got a crush on is growing up...
then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos.
Marvelous Pizza coming through.
You the guys who ordered the pizza?
This dopey bitch ordered a large plain,
but I could go for some ht,
thick Sicilian.
No charge, lady.
Hurry.
I'm sorry, Jay.
Justice died trying to save this monkey
so maybe we should keep it around.
They way...
we could honor her memory.
Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?
And you were all scared we'd get busted
by the cops or something.
You know what I say?
Fuck the Police.
Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police!
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
Yo, fuck me!
This is the Utah State Police.
Boys, we know you're in there.
Come on out with your hands in the air
and surrender the orangutan.
Think they're talking about us?
Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire.
Who the hell are you?
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Is the monkey in there?
The ape.
What?
Orangutan is a member of
the great ape family.
It's not a monkey.
Who's the Federal Wildlife
Marshall here?
Me or you?
That's what thought.
Can I use your-
Jay and Silent Bob-
Your C.L.I.T. Doesn't stand a chance.
Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey
in there should hit the deck.
We are going to open fire.
What are you waiting for?
Get out there and give them the monkey.
Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab?
Maybe they experiment on them...
by making them fuck a bunch of
different good-looking monkeys?
We don't know.
You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.
Fuck, you're the guy
who makes the blueprints.
I don't have the fucking smarts of
a little...
kid.
Do not shoot!
We're just trying to take our son
out of this hostile environment.
Their son?
Maybe they're one of those gay couples?
Yeah, we're gay.
And this is our adopted love child.
We're not from around here.
Don't makes us go back to
our liberal city home...
with tales of prejudice
and bigotry from the heart of Utah.
This is the last thing I need.
Uppity homosexuals shooting
their mouths off to the...
liberal media that the Federal Wildlife
Office persecutes gays.
Are you fucking crazy?
They may be gay...
but that's not their son-
that's the ape!
I think I would recognize an ape
if I saw one.
And the only thing
I do recognize right now...
is a political fiasco that
I'm about to avoid...
by letting
this butt-fucking Brady bunch go.
You are free to leave, sirs.
Yes, you, sirs.
So we can just go?
Yes, sir.
Please accept my apology for
detaining you and your...
unorthodox but constitutionally
protected family unit.
Un-fucking-believable.
I might add, that is one fine
looking young boy you're raising.
That's because he's from my sperm.
K knocked up this hot,
woman friend of ours...
who fuck on the side so as not to be
all-the-way gay.
But my tubby husband-
He's one hundred percent queer.
He loves the cock.
He certainly looks insatiable.
Bye-bye.
It's not my way, but I'll be damned
if that isn't one happy family.
Alright, gang-let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner...
and when the guys come out
with the monkey-
Fuck beans!
That was them, wasn't it?
I said you love the cock.
I have to be the craftiest
mother fucker alive.
Flee, fat-ass, flee!
Head for the sewer!
You fat fuck!
Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous ass.
Suck it in. Think thin!
One rectal breach coming up.
Suck it in!
Incoming!
Just like Winnie the Pooh.
That was an incredibly daring escape.
Here's the deal.
You and your men stay up here.
When I corner him, I'll call for backup.
I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
You've taught me so much.
Fuck this asshole.
Let's go back to the station and
cornhole us a drunk.
Don't fuck your word...
I swear to God.
Put the monkey down and your hands up!
Let's go, misters.
You want to get shot?
I didn't think so.
She doesn't want to go back to the lab.
And for the record...
I ain't gay.
And for the record,
while we're on the subject...
I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
For one more record- he loves the cock.
On your knees, Texas Pete.
Let's go.
You see- he's lining us up like
fucking circus seals.
I'm going first.
I don't want a mouth full of
monkey spit...
if I gotta blow this G-man.
What are you talking about?
No one's gonna get blown here-
Shit!
These guys are good. Very good.
Hey, law-dog.
See you in Hell, cock-smoker.
Oh, Fuck me.
Get the fuck off her-
that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
Hey, that monkey don't belong to you.
Who the fuck just steals a monkey?
Oh, yeah.
This blows.
We have one more day to stop
these fucks from shooting this movie.
They took the one thing I had left
from the one woman I loved enough...
not to stick my hand down her pants.
Go after the monkey?
How do we know where that car is going?
Don't just point.
What, you gotta take a shit?
No, you gotta take a salad.
What the fuck are you trying to say?
Say it!
Don't make me ask twenty questions.
You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time...
but you can't spit out
"Jay, I disagree," or...
"those are some good cheese fries".
Just fucking say it!
The sign on the back of the car...
said "Critters of Hollywood"...
you dumb fuck!
Say it, don't spray it.
And might I add, that is
one fine-looking boy you are raising.
If it isn't the wildlife expert.
Your office faxed this over.
The guy said it was a post from
an internet chat board...
signed by a Jay & Silent Bob.
"All you mother fuckers are gonna pay."
"You are the ones who are ball lickers"
"We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry..."
"like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we're-"
They're going to Hollywood.
It's not like cheating.
Justice blew up.
Here's the plan.
First we find out
where they're shooting this movie.
And after we bust that shit up,
we can start looking for the monkey.
But before we do any of that,
we gotta find a mother fucker
in the know.
Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood.
Crack. Want some crack.
Get you high.
No, but do you want some weed?
Are you on the job?
Yeah. Jersey local 404.
Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305.
- What up?
- Man, it's a small world.
Let me ask you a question.
You dudes getting medical out
there in Jersey?
No.
We might have to strike in September.
Norma Rae like a mother fucker.
Maybe you can help us out?
You know where they're shooting
a movie around here?
You ask me a question like that
in Holly-weird?
You got to come a little
more specific than that.
It's a Miramax flick.
We gotta bust it up...
so people stop calling us names
on the internet...
even though they're not really
talking about us...
but characters based on us,
and at the same time...
find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed
in a car explosion, monkey.
Man, I don't know what the fuck
you just said, little kid...
but you're special.
You reached out...
and you touched a brother's gear.
I'm gonna give you some directions.
Give me the map, Scott.
Give me the map, Scott!
You know where Miramax is?
Miramax accounts for 78%
of my business out here.
Is Hollywood ready for
Jay and Silent Bob?
A source at a Federal Wildlife
Marshall's office tells us...
that a posting was pulled off
an internet movie chat board...
allegedly written by
the two domestic terrorists themselves.
It's sending a shock-wave
through Hollywood.
Jules Asner is on the scene at
Miramax Studios. Jules-
Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is
one of terror today...
after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's
Office has learned that...
hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob
have targeted Miramax studios...
for their next campaign of blood,
violence and monkey theft.
In a posting pulled off of Movie
Poop-Shoot. Com...
the gruesome two-some threatened,
and I quote...
"Once we get to Hollywood and find
those Miramax expletive deleted..."
"who are making the Bluntman &
Chronic movie..."
"we're gonna make them eat
our expletive deleted..."
"then eat their expletive deleted
which is made up of..."
"our expletive deleted that
we made them eat." Unquote.
So far we've been unable to
get a statement...
from anyone here at the Studio.
But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?
None whatsoever.
But to be fair, no one is a
hundred percent sure...
what Jay and Silent Bob
exactly look like...
so for all we know they could
already be on the lot.
OK, he's got a pass.
Let him in.
We gotta play this just right.
You don't have a pass!
I hate how fake Hollywood is.
Where do you think you're going?
Echo base, I've got a 1007-
Two unauthorized on the lot.
Requesting back-up.
I thought that was a 1082.
No, sir,
a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker...
from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Oh, that Affleck.
Back-up on the way.
I'll make you a deal.
This guy will suck your
dick off if you let us go.
Contrary to what you believe...
not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.
How about this deal?
He'll suck my dick while you
watch and jerk-off?
Alright.
Make it fast-and sexy.
It's either this or jail.
And you know
what they do to you in jail.
I was a guard.
And after it's all over you say,
"Ooh, what a lovely tea party."
What the fuck you waiting for, bitch?
Start sucking.
Worth a shot.
Like a shot in the fucking mouth,
you gay bitch.
Dude,
you were gonna really suck my dick.
Remember what I said.
Do not look at Ben or Matt directly
in the eyes or you will be fired.
Does everybody understand that?
Thank you.
You frosted your hair.
Yeah, I frosted my hair,
but it looks good.
This has got to be the Bluntman flick.
There are those two fucks
from the Mork movie.
Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face?
Lion face! Lemon face!
Break it down.
Where we taking it from, Gus?
I'm busy.
You're a true artist, Gus.
Let's just take it from
"it's a good course".
You're the director now?
Shove it, "Bounce"-boy.
Let's remember who talked who...
into doing this shit in the first place
Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing,
but-.
I'm sorry I dragged you away from
whatever gay serial killers...
who ride horses and like to play golf
touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.
I take it you haven't seen
"Forces Of Nature".
You're like a child.
What do I keep telling you?
You gotta do the safe picture-
then you do the art picture.
And then sometimes you have to
do the payback picture...
because your friend says you owe him.
Then sometimes you have to
go back to the well.
And then sometimes you do
"Reindeer Games."
That's just mean.
All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to them.
Get over here.
You stand here,
your buddy's right here.
Just stand here and react.
Don't say anything. Especially you.
That's pretty funny.
Lock it up, people,
we're going for picture.
Make it happen, guys.
- Get you fucking hands off me.
- Fuck off!
On the count of three,
we rush these fucks and...
beat the shit out of them,
because if they're all fucked up...
they can't make that movie.
Ready? One... two... three!
"Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season."
Scene 16 Take 5.
Think about the paycheck.
OK.
Action, Gus?
Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy.
I do remember the class.
But elementary.
I remember that class.
It was just between recess and lunch.
Are we gonna have a problem- again?
I was still just hoping you might
be able to give me a little insight...
into the Southern Colonies.
Wood says...
What did I say?
You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.
But you forget about Vickers.
No, I just read Vickers.
So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth".
But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant, young mind you once were...
just itching to vent your frustrations.
You stopped hitting the books
with a vengeance...
and now I've read shit you haven't
even heard about yet.
Face facts, my friend.
You're just no longer that good...
Will Hunting.
Now how do you like them apples?
I don't like the sound of them apples,
Will.
What're we gonna do?
- Chuckie-
- Yeah?
Chuckie- it's hunting season.
Apple sauce, bitch.
Sorry to interrupt, but we've
got a 1007 on our hands.
Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben?
Bullshit!
Cause I wasn't with a hooker today.
There they are!
Affleck,
you were the bomb in "Phantoms".
Alright, you bastard,
let's see who you really are.
Fucking Miramax! Cut!
Shannen, usually I say "Cut".
A monkey, Wes?
You guys aren't even trying anymore.
The market research
says people love monkeys.
We love this monkey.
See.
Here they are.
Punch it!
Fuck!
Those are some magical guys.
Dude, I fucking knew it.
You love that shit, don't you?
Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt.
Are you guys alright?
Let's get you guys on your feet.
Wait a second- aren't you the guy
that fucked the pie?
You see, man - you see!
It's never, "Hey, you were in
Loser, weren't you?"
Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls"
It always comes back to
that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it.
- You put your dick in a pie.
- Enough!
I'm Jason Biggs.
Did you really get to 3rd base with
that Russian chick like in the movie?
You mean Shannon?
No.
She is fucking fine.
If I was you, I would've been like-
You like that?
What, you never did one of these?
I've done plenty of that, my friend.
Holy shit, you're the Dawson.
James- James Van Der Beek.
What's up with Pacey stealing
Joey away from you?
If I was you, I would have
drowned his ass in the creek.
Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine.
Ever get to 3rd base with her?
There was this one time- Wait a minute,
who are you guys?
They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass.
- Right?
- Of course.
Stunt doubles for what?
For the move that we're shooting
in about fifteen minutes.
Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back.
You're doubling me, obviously,
I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill
- Bob.
- Right.
And he's playing Chronic.
A.K.A. Ray.
Jay. Fuck!
Biggs, did you even read the script?
There's a script?
Hey, pie-fucker,
you would only last a day on
"The Creek".
Wait second, we'll be right back.
Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack".
Go to hell, Pacey.
These are the fucks that are playing us
You take 'em out, bam!, no movie.
Useless little ape.
What's with the weird,
gay huddle going on over there?
Let me put my arm over yours.
What's gay about it?
It's two guys talking in a corner.
Why are you such a homophobe?
You're always like "That's gay,"
or "Look at that gay huddle..."
"look at that gay dog."
Dude, that is so gay-
Yeah, see.
- I love gay people.
- I'm sure you do.
Look at the monkey.
Now you're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.
How do you know
he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
He's so cute.
You go in there and start swinging,
don't stop until these young...
Hollywood fucks are out of commission.
Ready? Break!
That's one funky monkey.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.
There are two intruders on the lot.
They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.
Yeah, they're in here.
Do they have you held hostage?
Should we call your publicist?
No.
We kicked those guys assess bad.
Real bad.
Great job, sirs.
If you'll let us in,
we'll take over from here.
No,
me and Jason Biggs are naked in here.
Butt-naked. Together.
Okay. Well, we'll wait out here
until you clean up.
How are we gonna get out
without them seeing us?
You've got the wrong guys.
Doesn't anybody watch the WB?
I'm a teen idol, dammit!
Don't you recognize me?
Look at me.
I'm the pie-fucker!
In prison, he'll be the pie.
This was a good idea, lunch-box.
In these outfits...
we're totally incognito.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
Great, you've changed costumes already.
Let's get you to the set.
The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Look at all these crackers.
and I can't even get a black grip.
It's a shame. It's a damn shame!
Here's your coffee, sir.
- You spit in this?
- I didn't spit in it.
Any boogers in it?
There's no boogers in it, sir.
You went to film school, didn't you?
Must piss you off to see a black man
run a big production like this.
Go to the school.
Does your daddy know that
you give a nigger his coffee?
It would kill him, wouldn't it?
- There's no boogers in it, sir.
- Ten taste it!
Taste the booger flavor.
I know it's in there.
It's all good, sir.
No it ain't all good.
Clean that shit up.
Get me a white boy.
Get me a blond haired,
white boy so I can enjoy that shit.
- You're the man, sir.
- No, you're the man
and that's the problem.
Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards,
the creator of Bluntman & Chronic.
We met a few weeks back.
I'm the executive Producer.
Oh, you're the Executive Producer.
Why don't you executive produce me
a latte- de-crackernated.
Okay, Fuck it?
- It's Banky.
No, its' Fuck it!
I just want you to know that
I respect your work as an artist.
I 'm something of an artist myself.
I was the inker on the comic book.
You're a tracer, okay?
Nobody got the heart to tell you.
You trace.
You go around the lines.
You are a tracer!
You think Fat Alber had a tracer?
No.
Bill Cosby did the whole thing
with a roller.
And it was excellent.
Crack, crack, cracker?
Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set,
Chaka.
I don't see them!
Where are the stars of
this piece of shit?
Damn, this must've set them back
a couple hundred bucks.
Look at this.
A gay hood ornament
and the color purple.
Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck am I?
I'm the director, Chaka Luther King.
That's who the fuck I am.
Wait a second.
I though Banky and Holden
created this shit.
And I 'm stealing it.
I'm taking it back for the black man...
to make up for all the shit you
mother fuckers have taken from us.
Do you know that I came up for
the idea for "Sesame Street"?
I came up with it before PBS.
The white man stole it.
I was gonna call it
NWP- Niggers With Puppets.
Catchy, ain't it?
Enough of this small talk.
Let's shoot.
Aren't you gonna direct us?
I will start directing you to the
unemployment line...
if you don't stop back-talking me,
cracker.
We don't know what we're doing.
We didn't read the script.
It ain't hard.
I film the mother fucker.
Then I yell "Cut!"
And run the fuck out of here
and go to my trailer...
cause I got more white girls there than
the first lifeboat on the Titanic.
And they all want a party in my movie,
and I got just the part for me.
So are you ready to do this?
Let's roll with the new.
Quiet on the set, everyone.
I got your new coffee sir, booger-free.
You guys look pretty bad-ass.
"Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back",
scene 37, take 1.
What're you waiting for?
Action!
Um... snoochy-boochies.
What the fuck?
You thought I'd never find
your precious Bluntcave...
did you, Hemp Knight?
But now, you and your sidekick...
are finally
in the grasp of Cock-Knocker!
Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
Actually,
there's a funny story behind that.
You're gonna love it.
True story.
Avenge me... Hemp-Knight.
I think George Lucas
is gonna sue somebody.
Any last words before I bust
your balls, Bluntman?
Duck, pie-fucker.
Damn, these white boys can't fight.
Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son.
Yo! Bitch-fists!
Call me Darth-balls.
Good Lord.
That wasn't in the script.
So this is Hollywood?
Then lights, camera, action,
Jay and Silent Bob.
Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!
...My God...
Sorry, everyone.
That was supposed to be a warning shot.
I'm obviously on the wrong set.
Is he gonna be okay?
Not good.
You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.
This movie's gonna make "House Party"
look like "House Party 2".
- Or "House Party 3".
- Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.
Chaka, call off Dawson, will you?
Can I get a "cut!" here?
Not again.
Now who's balls have been busted, bitch
That's it! I'm out of here.
Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.
What the fuck?
The C.L.I.T. Stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob.
Another white boy in this movie? Damn!
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Everyone stay cool.
Go back to making your adult movie.
These men are the leaders of
a terrorist organization...
wanted for the abduction of
a little monkey.
They didn't really steal that monkey.
It was just a diversion so
that we could steal these.
And they're not the leaders of
the C.L.I.T.
The C.L.I.T. Is not real.
Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real.
It's real.
It's the female orgasm- that's the myth
You know what I 'm talking about?
Are you guys alright?
I thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck.
You remembered.
It was a frame-up, Jay.
Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I
are international jewel thieves.
We were setting you up to be a patsy...
but I couldn't go through with it
because I...
because I love you.
Yeah?
That means you're gonna fuck me, right?
Of course.
If she does
it'll be considered necrophilia.
Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
Jussy, did we get you at a bad time?
You should've just let these guys
go down.
I wanted to go down,
but this angel popped on my shoulder...
and said "Listen" and I was like
"What's up?"
Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
where you stand...
in you pansy red booties.
Holy shit,
I am wearing pansy red booties.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me?
Let's have those diamonds, Justice.
I can't do that, Sissy.
Then lover-boy gets one
in the fucking brain.
Yo! Lovely ladies!
Would any of you like
a private audition to be in my movie.
Bring that ass over. C'mon!
Cray crackers with guns.
Time to get my black ass outta here.
You really let me down, Justice.
Throwing it all away for a little
stoner with bad pronunciation.
What's it gonna be, Sissy?
Which fighting style do you want me
to kick your ass in?
Are you kidding me?
I taught you all your moves myself.
There's no style you can bust
that I can't defend against.
You're no match for my Shaolin Monk.
But I'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.
A little Venus Fly-trap?
I'll counter with Dragon Queen.
How about a little "Bitch, my man
ain't your baby's daddy"?
Bring it on.
I hope one of them rips off
the other one's shirt...
and we see some titties flopping
around in the air.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
I just wanted to say hi. I'm-
Banky-fucking Edwards!
Just the mother fucker we came to see.
What the fuck are you guys doing here?
Why the hell are you shooting at me?
Two reasons.
One- we're walking-taking
bad girl clichs.
And two- because you're a man!
Only on the outside.
Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
All these assholes on the internet
are calling us names...
because of this fucking stupid movie.
That's what the internet is for-
slandering others anonymously.
Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that.
This isn't fair.
We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.
We stole a monkey, we got shot at...
and I got punched
in the motherfucking nuts...
by a guy named Cock-knocker.
I feel for you boys, I really do.
But Miramax - you know, Miramax films...
paid me a shitload of money for
Bluntman & Chronic.
So it occurs to me that people
bad-mouthing you on a website...
is none of my fucking concern!
Oh, but I think it is.
We had a deal with you on the comics-
for likeness rights?
And as we're not only
the artistic basis
but also the character basis...
for your intellectual property,
Bluntman & Chronic...
when said property was optioned
by Miramax films...
you were legally obliged to
secure our permission...
to transfer the concept
to another medium.
As you failed to do that, Banky...
you are in breach of
the original contract.
Ergo, you find yourself...
in a very actionable position.
You guys are gonna ruin my movie career
We want something
for our mental anguish.
Tell you what-
we'll settle this monetarily.
I'll give you half of what I make.
Half?
Half's not good enough?
Fine. I'll give you two thirds.
Fuck you, you already said half.
You can't take it back.
Done.
Your shit is so tired, Justice.
Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch!
Hello? Truce?
I think I killed both of them.
I am an excellent marksman.
I've always-
C'mon, you guys, it's over.
Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck?
I was just about to jump in
and get your back.
The cops!
We gotta get out of here.
I'm tired of running.
Marshall... are you awake?
Wake up.
My God! I'm paralyzed.
That monkey shot me in the ass
and paralyzed me.
Oh, sweet irony!
You're not paralyzed.
It was just a tranquilizer.
Jesus.
Tranqued by a little monkey.
My friends in the Bureau will
never let me hear the end of this.
You have friends in the FBI?
They all made it in
but I failed the exam.
Why else do you think I became a
Federal Wildlife Marshall?
I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke!
Maybe not.
I can make you a deal
that'll get you into the FBI...
regardless of test scores.
What kind of deal?
You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob...
and say you never found the ape.
In exchange I will give you
the diamonds we stole...
and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy and myself.
But I want a reduced sentence.
You'd be willing to do that?
For him, I'd be willing to do anything.
I'm a international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.
That's alright.
I'm a junkie with a monkey.
If I go to prison will you wait for me?
I don't know.
Will you fuck me when you get out?
Don't change the subject.
Will we fuck when you get out?
Snoogens.
There's a lot of love in the room.
Regardless of what you may here heard,
I do not kiss guys.
Okay.
Play it cool, hotshot.
Sorry, Justice. We have to go.
And stop stealing monkeys.
- Fuck you!
- Fair enough.
Wait for me.
What? Here?
Well, boys- you're rich, in love-
You're in love-
And to top it off
you've got your own monkey.
What more could two guys from
Jersey possibly want?
To have these fucks stop talking
shit about us on the internet.
What've I been telling you?
There's not much you can do
to stop that.
Short of showing up at their house
and beating the shit out of them.
All the money we're making could
buy a lot of plane tickets.
Yeah?
Do you post as Magnolia Fan
on Movie Poop Shoot. Com?
Yeah!
Did you write
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob."
"Fuck them in their stupid asses"?
Yeah, a while ago. So?
On Movie Poop Shoot.com did
you say Jay and Silent Bob are...
quote, "fucking clown shoes
and if they were real...
"I'd kick the shit out of them for
being so stupid"?
- Yeah.
- Really?
That's right. That's it.
Right. That's right.
That's beautiful, man.
That was worse than Clash Of The Titans
I can't believe Judy Dench played me.
Remind me to renew
that Restraining Order.
Why?
I am gonna blast that
flick on the internet tonight.
Why can't Hollywood ever makes
a decent comic book movie?
Tell me, Steve-Dave.
Would you stop saying that?
That was just another paean
to male adolescence...
and its refusal to grow up.
Yeah, sis,
but it was better than Mall Rats.
At least Holden had the good
sense to keep his name off of it.
Why wouldn't Miramax option his
other comic instead?
The one with you and him
and your relationship.
Chasing Amy?
That would never work as a movie.
I'm so fucking embarrassed.
Honey, you should be.
They took your characters...
and turned them into one
It was like watching Batman
and Robin again.
Thank, that means a lot coming from
the guy who pretends be "Shaft"...
as opposed to the guy who takes shaft.
I don't hear you complaining nightly.
I don't get out to the movies much,
but I have to say...
Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic.
Are these leg cuffs really necessary?
Don't make me shoot you, Justice.
The party's across the street featuring
the greatest band in the world...
Morris Day and the Time.
I...
I... I been watching you.
I think I want to know you.
I said... Im a little dangerous.
Girl I'd love to show you...
my jungle love.
I'd be like, "What, you don't know
fucking Jay and Silent Bob...
the fucking mack-daddies of
fucking Jersey"?
And she'd be like "Oh, I read on
the internet that you guys..."
"are a couple of little fuck-holes!"
I got a bear skinned rug.
Y'all sing it.
I got a fireplace. I can't hear you.
We're all the way live in L.A.
Oh, the things I could do to you.